2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 19 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

The 2 Bears, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in their 1 Cave today. Bert just got off the road, how is he doing? Tom and Bert are starting to realize they have no hobbies, so they start to entertain the idea of starting one. Will Bert become a Dandy? Will Bert buy a car on the podcast? These are all hobbies discussed. Plus, Tom and Bert look into joining a secret society.

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, The panel of the metal is going to be up, there's a permanent way to start off this show. 12 years in the making, it's gonna be a fucking shit show. And from everyone, it's gonna be a million, maybe the hey, it's 100%. A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- I can't vote on it. Take guys, welcome to Two Bears One Cave. Dude, fuck you. I was in the fucking, I was in, wait, can I run through all my fake ones that I wanted to do? Sure. I was gonna go, so this is your freestyle?

Like, my name's Big Tommy Buns. I bring the guns, huh? What, Buns? Goddamn it. Hmm. He didn't like that one? No. Why?

Do you know what I was gonna do for Black History Month? What? I was gonna do... Potession? No. I was going to do 28 podcasts with each of Black person, do 28 and every day release them to celebrate Black History Month.

How'd that plan go? It didn't go well because Leanne just very quickly goes, why wouldn't you just have Black people on normally? And I went, what do you mean? She's like, why wouldn't you just make an attempt to put more Black people on your podcast? And I was like, that's a good call.

I was like, yeah, I guess, I was like, here I am making a stunt out of Black History Month. Yeah. As opposed to, so I called Donnell. He's on my podcast this week. Donnell, Donnell. Donnell does his impression of Ari, which I don't know if it's okay to laugh at yet, but it is fucking hilarious.

What is he, I don't know, I gotta get, I gotta call Donnell. Okay. No, I'll just, just listen to podcast. It's fucking, but yeah, so, yeah, wait, lost your going grains, is that what you're gonna ask? Hahaha. No, I'm with you.

You should keep them to February, but so, are you losing weight? Well, cause you're on the road again. I'm on the road again, and my lifestyle is gotten so bad on the road. No, no. I bought 36 bottles of hot sauce, in my favorite hot sauce in San Jose.

Why did you get so many? They're so good. But 36. Oh, I meant to bring you some, motherfucker. 36. They're the best hot sauce you've ever had. I mean, most people would be like, I like this thing here, I'm gonna buy two.

I was drunk when we went there, and they had they they filled up I said I'll take let me get like you know 16 or whatever 15 and they did it and it just filled up half a box I was like I got a fuck it low the rest of the box up to like Okay, so do you want to know how much that costs? I was like nah just charge it But they only last a month so I'm gonna give them out to everyone so it's my present. Yeah, cool. I'll get you some They're fucking amazing. Oh, what's it called? It's called orange sauce orange sauce. It's like from live how was how was the road fun great dude. I am I

Well, I I wish I could get this is what I liked about stand-up is like just the beginnings parts of bits Yeah, where you're figuring it out and then you figure parts out that this is what I liked about standup, is like just the beginnings, parts of bits, where you're figuring it out and then you figure parts out, and then you're excited to get on stage and at the front you go, oh I got a little bit. The towards the end of the last tour right before shooting the special,

that's almost depressing standup. It's the worst part of it, I totally agree. I see it the same way. It's where it is, is like, you feel like, well, you know, this is basically figured out, right? Or at least as far as you're going to figure it out, and then you're just waiting to shoot it. And you start to, what happens is you can walk out there, you can kill. I mean, have a standing ovation and then walk off and you feel bummed out.

You're like, well, it's because, because you're not, dude, I've excited. Yeah. I felt like, oh, it's because you're not. Dude, I've. Excited. Yeah, I felt like that right towards the end. And now I have bits that, not even that good. I have this bit about you that is so goddamn funny. It is so, and it, and it's just, I'm at the part now where I'm on stage, I'm having fun in it.

Like I know the parts that do well, and I know that the end really kills. So I can have fun in the middle and stretch. So you're like, I got a friend, he lifts a lot. How does it start? Oh yeah, that's exactly. Me and my buddy, he's this big overweight guy and everyone starts going,

tommorow, oh my god, wait, you guessed his name. Shut up, how did you know? It's the fucking, it's so much fun. I didn't realize how much people love like talking about each other because when I was in Australia, no, in New Zealand, I asked for whatever, the all blacks in New Zealand. They brought me a sweatshirt, so I walk out on stage with it, and like 10 minutes in, I'm like, this is a, I'm in Switzerland, in Ferno, I'm like sweating, so I go, I'm

going to pull a bird, and I start taking it off, they start like cheering, and then'm like, this is, I'm a sizzling inferno. I'm like sweating. So I go, I'm gonna pull a bird and I start taking it off. They start like cheering and then I go, I'm not taking everything off. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I start like talking like you. Dude, the place went fucking crazy. Just being like, you know, I tried to go. It's crazy, it's crazy because, you know,

I've always steered away from it. I've always steered away from it. I've always steered away from it. And like, even in this new special, I have a joke where I mentioned you and Rogan. And I felt, I always, even when I wrote it, it was real, it was true, but I always felt cheap doing it. Yeah.

Because I was like, I was like, God damn it. Am I like name dropping? Because I know you guys are both bigger comics than me. So I'm like, am I name dropping? I'm trying to make myself seem like I'm at the level or whatever. But then I was in Vermont and I did this joke about me and you and Leanne came back.

She was always sitting in the audience. She comes back. She's like, oh my God. She was, I could be honest with you. There were people going nuts in there. As soon as you said Tom's name, they were going nuts. And she was like, and I gotta be honest with you, it's so cool hearing about you talk about your relationship

with Tom on stage. I was like, really? She was like, oh, especially the way you're doing it, it makes it, she's like, there were guys hitting, and this happened so many times this back to the end. There were guys hitting people. I can't really explain all of the bit without giving it away. Yeah.

Hitting each other, going, dude, that's me and you. Yeah, yeah. To their buddies, and then guys were coming up to me at these shows and going, so I'm Burt and he's Tom. I know it's like, but it's part of the, ugh. And he's like, I live outside. He has a house. I got a pool, he likes ponds. And he's like, I live outside. He has a house.

I got a pool. He likes ponds. I'm going to start one where I go. I have a friend and hate fills his heart. And it's a way to introduce you. And the audience notes. They know. I can run my tour bus driver.

Yeah. Because the other day he goes, yeah, man, you are racist. I go fucking, I go run. I'm not fucking you been with me on the road. And he goes, no, I just day goes yeah, man you are racist. I go fucking I go run I'm not fucking you've been with me on the road and he goes nah, I just like saying that man I just say it's fun. It's fun. Hey Ron fuck Oh Does anything smell better than gasoline? I? Know what you're saying.

Yeah. Yes, can I tell you what I think smells better? What? The draw of sulfur through the cigarette, right, when you take your first hit. You smoking cigarettes now? Yeah, I started smoking cigarettes. No!

Oh yeah, I started smoking. This is so great! How many are you up to? Well, it's just when I get fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a lot. I mean, do you hit half a pack? No, I'm not smoking.

Oh, fuck. I'm gonna bring you a carton. I'm gonna go with that jokeon I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna bring you a carton I'm gonna go with that joke and start smoking I'm gonna go with that joke and start smoking Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, it was in LA. I was living in that shitty, uh, it's a called, my car. Yeah, yeah. That's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that Pie face. Oh wait, oh the Picon pie. I sometimes I get it mixed up with my chocolate souffle stage. Oh they were around the same time. But The Picon pie stage by the way is your wife's fault. Whenever you cut the car, you're like, I'm going through a big pie face right now. Well, I think it's that we tried pie at your house.

Yeah, Pecan. We were fucking in the end. And the Pecan Pie. Used to fucking feed us, because we were so poor. Color man, those days. And I would go over to their house. And Little Isle, it was like two. and the cutest little two-year-old and George would be like hey and then walk away and

And I would like play and then but you would make these elaborate dinners you could really fucking cook unless a chef is there unless the chef was there, but you do elaborate dinners. I Mean the kitchen would be a fucking Mess it would be a mess and I'd be like are you gonna clean this up? You're like, oh my guy and then Still feel like that. I know I do I'm sorry that I was raised in the 70s and I watched my mom clean, but I guess I'll be in the living room. The same, the same. So, you do this. And then one day, Leanne had made this pie. Yeah.

The Ken pie. And we tried it and both of it. Christine and I were like, what the fuck? And she was like, she was like, well, that's my grandma's recipe. That's granny's recipe. And she pulled out of a cookbook and it would be written handwritten on like a little like, like a little Confederate flag

and it was like all jotted down. So it's not too far from the crew. And then I remember that's one of those things that was so good like that you immediately, like, you know, sometimes you eat things with people cooking, you're like, that's really good. Or then like, you know, I love to get the recipe.

And then sometimes you're like, no, no, no. Like I want, I remember saying like, I want the recipe. Yeah. And she was like, yeah, no problem. And then the next day I called her. And I was like, hey, so I'm following up on the recipe. Because it's like, I'll be talked about. She used to get the, she get pecans from Georgia.

They bring like a bunch of pecans out. Her, her granny was an interesting person. Those are people throw back people. Oh yeah, they don't exist at all. That whole, I mean, to put it like a perspective, Leanne grew up on a dirt road, right? So what did her grandmother grow up like? By the way, same dirt road.

I mean, yeah, there were sharecroppers in the, in the, the, there was no shoes. Would they school? No shoes up until like third grade. I might be older. I might be too old. But yeah, until she moved to Atlanta, when she moved to Atlanta, she had to wear shoes to school.

Yeah, I figured. Yeah. Atlanta was probably like, Hey, are you watching that Michael Vick documentary? No, I saw a little clip of it. Where's it? Where's it on? On the ESPN 30th for 30.

No, I haven't seen it yet. It's amazing what a amazing athlete he was. I remember. Dude, he was, he, you know that Lamar Jackson, is that his name? Yeah. Lamar Jackson, he's exciting to watch Michael Beck.

Yeah. Like just, there's ridiculous athletes, ridiculous. God. Both had crazy arms, both have like, like not just speed, top tier,

like there, there's used to be the thing like you're fast for a quarterback because the quarterback's traditionally slow. And then those guys are fast for fast guys. They're fast for wider receiver. Yeah, man, they're other level. I'm telling you that documentary is right, amazing.

I'm at the part where I didn't know any of this, but the county prosecutor didn't follow through and file charges for the dogfighting original originally. If you grew up around there and he was like, no, it's a dogfight. We're fine. And then it was, I mean, they're making it sound like it was white women that brought Michael Vick down. Yeah, they were like, no. And so then the FBI came in. FBI came in and did so much research. They dug up the dogs. They then got a veterinarian pathologist

to come in and tell how the dogs were killed. And then Michael Vic, everyone just, not even copied a plea, but everyone just said guilty and tried to copy plea. Michael Vic was supposed to get, they said maybe six months, but everyone just said guilty and tried to copy plea. Microvict was supposed to get, they said maybe six months, probably get just get probation and they gave him 28 fucking months like cause the judge was like nah,

but I would argue, he probably missed out on two years of his life, that's two years without CTE, right? There's two years without knee injuries where he might've just fucked it up anyway. But I think that extra time served to allow him back into the public. Yeah, I mean, you're probably right about that. I do remember one thing, and I haven't seen this

documentary. It's so good. It's four hour documentary. I remember that after he got out and he went back to the league, he went back to the league for a while. Yeah. He did something that like, I don't think it gets talked about that much. Like, I'm saying in, in, as a credit to him, is that he had, he, when he went into prison, he owed a lot

of money to creditors, right? And he had, he had debt. Really? I was wondering about that. I haven't talked about that. He had debt and so he gets out and he gets contract, but like don't forget like when he goes to prison, he loses not just his NFL contract, but all his endorsements, yeah. And you know, it's like a hundred million dollar day

to him. The day he goes to prison. Like this is gone. So he gets out and you know, the creditors are like, you know, you owe us money. Now you're making money again. Now he's never gonna make like the money he was. He would have made, but he's making money again. He opted. He himself, he chose to not file for the type of bankruptcy that wipes your debt

away, essentially. He chose to pay back creditors, you know, to make good on the money that he owed them. Yeah. You can look it up like the type of bankruptcy filing he opted not to do versus the one he chose, but he chose to pay back people he owed money to. Wow. Yeah. There's a joke that's made me laugh hardest fuck. I can't remember who it was all my podcast Hey, and in the dog will you pull up Michael Vicks net worth? I'm curious how much see how much money as and then pull up mine next to it Just see if I'm more money than Michael Vick 15 million dollars I do not yeah, but also don't you know those things are not that accurate man bullshit They're not totally accurate. No, they're not

You know how much who's who did I watch how? John's worth 550 million those things are still a guess like just like the The the income reports. Yeah, those are not verified their guesses their guesses Really yeah, absolutely there. Oh, they don't they don, I mean, if they called you, you'd be like, I'll say it over my tax return right now, but like most of the time, they're just analyzing things, they're going through sources. They don't actually know for sure what his net worth is. There was a guy I had on my podcast, I can't remember the podcast, all I remember is the

joke. He, the person, I wish I could remember if it was a guy or a guy. I think it was a girl. A guy has one of Michael Vicks dogs. Had one of Michael Vicks dogs. And they used to go and protest all Michael Vicks games. And so when the team was getting on the bus, it holds signs up and protest. And they they said all the fucking players were like this just like heads down

Because you know all of them are probably like wait what the fuck are they pro? Was that me did I do something there and I the joke I keep I makes me giggle to see this day Is he said all of our ball players would make up like look away? And I was like except for the fucking field goal kicker. You know, he was like, hey, why don't we do a science say? Because you know, he hadn't done anything. He's just like, oh, guys, did someone kill a dog in here? And the-

Did I remember I did Cubs. And I think I was doing it with Rogan and DS. This is like at the height of this story. And Joey, Joey is like, they need to let him out. They need to let Michael make out. And he needs to come to the Raiders. He needs to come to the Raiders, because Al Davis is perfect.

He'll be like, Mike Vic, come here. You can stab a dog in the 50 yard line. I don't give a fuck. He's like, we'll sacrifice dogs every week. If you can bring that speed over here to open. Bring that speed. Oh my God. He's like, well, sacrifice dogs every week. If you can bring that speed over here to open. Bring that speed. Oh my God. And people were like, not ready for it at all.

People were like, what? Yeah, Joey, come in. I didn't realize, I don't think, I think what that him going to prison did, it really opened up your eyes to like what he did. I think it was a little more than dog fighting. You know what's crazy? He wasn't allowed to have a dog when he got out.

Obviously. Yeah, he actually even didn't he, I've never seen a commercial where he did something with like the, what is it? Whatever one of those animal rights groups. Not PETA, but another one, just like a dog. He became like a spokesperson for that. He just, he was the celebrity coach for the puppy ball this year for this super ball.

What? Dude, I did the funniest fucking joke this weekend. I took two quarters and put them on stage. Did you see this? No, I put two quarters on the stool. And then I told all my openers. I said, uh, Hey, did you guys see 50 cent in there? And they were like, you want to wait until you're done texting?

Yeah, sorry. Oh, you're texting with? There's this shit going on. I'll tell you in a second. Tell me on there? No. Wow. I went fucking. So I took two quarters.

I put them on the stool and then I told all my opers, did you see 50 cent in there? And then like 50 cents in there and I go, yeah, you'll see them when you get on stage. And then like, what the fuck's you doing in Sacramento? I was like, you'll see. And they all walked on stage, saw the quarters when mother fucker. Do that made me laugh so hard. Did you have on the show? Dave Williamson, um, Shane Torres and Hazus Trejo. You have three people. I like doing, I like not all the times,

but if we have one night shows, like bigger venues, I think it's fun for them to do those size venues and everyone does 10 minutes, and then, and it's fun for us on the bus. The more people on the bus is better, and we just go out to eat and just listen to Ron talk shit. Really? Ron talk, I mean.

I was like, fuck you, Gayle King. Oh. Yes or no? Oh, let's just say. It's fuck you Friday. He was talking about, he was talking about, he was talking about a lot of shit. Yeah.

He's not a big fan of ours. He's not a big fan of ours. He's not a big fan of Gail Kang. Yeah, yeah, because, you know, he's old school man. He had his first kid when he was 15. That's all it's cool. She was 21. Damn. He goes, yeah, you know, you know,

they call that, it's called that being a man. I go, yeah, we call that a molestation. I think you were rape pronged. I'm 15. You were 15, she was 21. He was like being a man. I go, we call that a molestation. I think you were rape-front. I'm 15. You were 15, she was 21. She was like, no man, nothing wrong with that. And I was like, but he's a different, that he's like an old school dude where he like,

it's like, I don't know, it's hard to explain man. There's something so different culturally that I think people are glancing over that you forget that it's like an unspoken thing where people are holding each other to the exact same standards where they would hold their friends as opposed to looking at things and realizing

this man had a different childhood. We'll take it back to the dog fighting with Michael Vick. He grew up with it. He grew up dog fighting. And the cops never stopped them. So he actually said, I didn't think he grew up with it. He grew up dog fighting and the cops never stopped them. So he actually said, I didn't think anything was wrong with it. It was like, I knew that it was like, not right, but like, I didn't think it was wrong.

And you know, when I think it's the same thing about like having side bitches, there's guys that just go, what? You have a side bitch. That's, everyone's got a side. Especially if they grew up with it. Especially if you grew up with it. And for Ron to get pregnant, 15, half a kid, he's just like, all right, that's how life starts. Especially if they grew up with it. Especially if you grew up with it. And for Ron to get pregnant and 15 to have a kid,

he's just like, all right, that's how life starts. Whereas for me, I would have been melted down, me and Ron are the exact same age. And so if I had had had a kid at, I didn't have sex until I was 17. Me too. Yeah, and so if I had had a kid at 15, you'd be perfect for that.

God. Did you always have a side bitch? Like when you were growing up. I've never had a side bitch. I love a side bitch. I love a side. Let's talk it through. What was your side bitch look like?

Well, is your side bitch you think here in LA or do you think she's in another city? Oh, no, no, no, no. What city is she in? She's somewhere cheap in Indiana. Yeah. Indiana, that way like... She comes on Midwest runs.

Evansville. She lives in Evansville, maybe in the Napolis a Nanapolis probably on the pretty good world tour this week Maybe Louisville. I don't know maybe Medford. It's Louisville Louisville. Thank you There you did it right guys. I've been Yes, so Yeah, I think I have I think I have a warm weather side bitch, you know? Cold weather side bitch. What?

Cold weather side bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she'd be somewhere inexpensive where I could like, let her really live it up. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I wanted to live nice. Nice car. If I do a thing with the dealership

where I'm like, take pictures there, you know. Look at my side bitch. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, right? Yeah. and they get and then you get like maybe Chili's gives you some gift cards and you're like you can eat too. Oh, no, no, no, I already thought about that. I go to the nice restaurant to be friend the chefs. Yeah, have them on my podcast. Yeah, I'd be very vocal about my side bitch in her town. Yeah, like I'd be like they'd be like, no, he has to burn side bitch. But like, it would never get back to the end, I'll fucking anyone in Evansville gonna tell you.

Now, do you think, is Leanne completely? Should I care? Or that's what I'm saying. So she's not, she's like, that's just what guys do. We had a conversation about this yesterday. Yeah. If you cheat on someone, you take that shit to the grave with you. Yeah.

You don't put that on me. Oh, yeah. You live with your guilt. Don't fucking bring that to me. Exactly. Yeah. You fuck someone on the road. Yeah. I don't need that shit. I'm with your guilt. Don't fucking bring that to me. Exactly. You fuck someone on the road. Yeah. I don't need that shit.

I'm happy right now. Right. Like I don't fuck that. It was crazy. We were talking about this on a separate subject. Yeah, but here's my side page. No, we were talking about that the other day about like a friend of ours had not even a friend

but a distant friend of ours that had an affair and brought it to her, her, brought it to her husband. And then it was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then I'm like, I'm like, just don't like, or she, and it wasn't, it wasn't ever gonna, they weren't gonna, yeah, say together, she's gonna come back to her husband. Yeah, you, you fucking sleep with that. You don't ever bring that up. Fucking die with that shit.

Yeah, I think my side bitch is Puerto Rican. Oh, mine's so white. for husband, you fucking sleep with that. You don't ever bring that up. Fucking die with that shit. Yeah, I think my side bitch is Puerto Rican. Oh, mine's so white. Really? Oh, blonde hair. Blonde hair blue eyes. Oh my god, I'm going opposite. Yeah, I'm going blonde hair blue eyes.

I'm gonna say 35. 35. Yeah, like that too young. Doesn't want to have kids. Yeah. It wants to be like a yoga instructor. A helper center up in a studio, something in a strip mall.

She's gonna have a, she's gonna have a Ford. I'm pretty sure, I can't believe I'm already living through all this in my head. It sounds like it's pretty, pretty fucking worked out. Oh, it's gonna be nice. Yeah. Yeah. It's not, but like it seems like this is not just off the top of your head.

It seems like this has actually been cooking. No, it's off the top of my head, but I haven't really ever thought about it. I have thought about starting other families. Yeah. Like I would love to Johnny Apple, see my way around this country. Really? Oh, dude, without a doubt, start with a family in Florida. Think about how well you would do things with a new family.

You know what I mean? Like if you're like, Hey man, this is my new wife and my new kids and I've learned what I needed to learn on that first go round. I would hit it out of the fucking park. I would hit it out of the park. I'd be so involved. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll take her on the road with me. Yeah. Be great. And then you could I'll take them on the road with me. Yeah. Yeah. Be great. And then you could do a thing where like the bus in that region drives that family around, but then the bus comes west and you have this family come on. Oh, my new family would be so impressed by the bus. My family right now with the buses in LA and Georgia just came on and just didn't just sat down, didn't like looking around, exploring, just sat down. Yeah. I was like, what? I see the my bedroom. didn't like looking around, exploring, just sat down.

I was like, what, when I see my bedroom, she's like, nah, I was like, you want to see my bedroom? She's like, I'm imagining it smells back there. I'm like, okay. You know your dad. Yeah, I was like, you got me. You want, you want these snacks? And she goes, you're thinking about Eilah.

And I was like, okay. Yeah, Georgia is just, Georgia's so fucking practical. She wants a Chrysler Pacifica. What? Yeah, this is what she wants. She wants a Chrysler Pacifica. Pull that up Nidav. That's a good looking car a Chrysler Pacifica Okay Why? I have no fucking idea. Are you gonna get it one? No. I'm not gonna drive that fucking thing. It was for her. Actually, mini vans are pretty fucking awesome. It's kinda cool now.

Mini vans do drive pretty fucking awesome. It's actually gone full circle for me where it's like, that was the most revolting vehicle. And now I'm like, yeah, I could drive one. I would drive one. Just get it like murdered out, like, like get it like that carbon. Matt finish.

Matt finish. Yeah. Get it fucking nice Matt 22's on there yeah dude dude get it and get it and get trick it out throw throw some like sport exhaust on it if you can get it okay you're a car you're a car guy yeah like let's go in the different direction away from sports cars okay like what would be a cool car that you like, like, like, cause I always want, I always want one of those like all-terrain fucking exploration via... Subrurs.

Nope, not a Subaru. Why, those are great for that. No. I want the one, no, what's a fucking Subaru? But they're great for all-terrain exploration. They're actually really good cars. Can I tell you what, is a really great car? Is the fucking Genesis.

Yes, Hyundai's gonna make amazing cars. What the hell? G70. I got one of those. Equus, the Hyundai Equus. Equus, what I don't know what it's called. I got into one of those for going to the airport. Those are great too.

You got to put me in the back and I was like, what car is this? I know. I said to them, what series is this? And he was like, what do you mean? I said, is it Mercedes? What is this, what do you mean? I said, is this Mercedes, what? Is this the S-Class? Or is it Genesis, bro? And I was like, nice, right?

It's like, it's like hooking up with a hot chick. And you're like, what? And she's like, oh, she's got her piece. And you're like, okay, that makes sense. Yeah. I was wondering why he's so easy to play. Do you want to get one? Yeah.

Yeah, they're nice. I don't know. I feel like I should get myself a treat. Get a treat? Like, I don't know. I don't think a sports car. I'm not like a big enough car guy So I get like a Cadillac convertible or something fun. So then do that Get something fun. You should get a can you are a convertible guy. You should get a convert I feel like a nice 67 72 Cadillac convertible. Okay. Look at that. Look at that. When that in that me totally

Do that? Yeah, dude get that. Oh, well at that look at that. Wouldn't that in that me totally? Do that. Yeah, dude get that. I will that's perfect Get it today See if you can find one in LA for me Nadov Kind of like convertible. I'll buy right now. We'll get them on the phone. Okay. Oh, yes. Let's make a call You got to have you have to have a car guy. I do have a car guy But he doesn't deal usually in these, what's it called? These classics, you know, he does more like new stuff.

Oh, white, El Dorado, 18 grand? Shut up. What's that $100,000 one? Oh, there you go click on that check availability What is What is it runoff babies blood? Why is that so expensive? I don't know it might be a lunatic that owns it that you know or or it's let's see That's got 60,000. I don't know, it might be like a collectible year.

I need to get, when I went to travel channel, and when the very first meeting I had with a new president, she hated my guts, and she was like, what are your hobbies? And I was like, hobby, like, fuck do I look like? I'm a man. She was like, what? And I was like, what the fuck, like, hobby?

Like, I'm like, putting rocks on top of each other? I have no idea. And I was like, I do stand up. She was like, like, what's, like a hobby other. I have no idea and I was like I do stand up She was like like what's like a hobby and I said stand up. I write jokes and she's like no, that's your job Yeah, and I was like oh, that's it. That's all I do is I just think of funny shit all day And she was like you need a hobby and I could not for the life of me figure out a hobby and then now I don't have any hobbies. Yeah, I do I do videos. Yeah, I work out. That's not yeah, you don't have a hobby I don't have any fucking hobbies. I agree. Yeah, I work out. That's not, yeah. You don't have a hobby.

I don't have any fucking hobbies. I agree. What's your hobby? I don't have cars. No, I don't have a car collection. I like cars. They're always like bot car magazines. I just, but I don't have a hobby.

I had the same thing, by the way. I talked about it in therapy. I was bummed out. So funny, I talked about it in therapy too. I was like, I'm bummed out. I feel like everyone has hobbies. You know, like fucking even things that, like Tom Poppola, Bakes Bread.

And you know, that's his passion. And I go, and then he's like, well, you know, you have a, you have a family, you have kids. You know where they have, they're young. Rogan Hoods. Yeah, yeah, you know. 100 hobbies for men. Ooh, good call.

Men's Gazette ready smash your pass Let's see Animal rescue that's not fucking hard pass hard fucking pass and taking a straight men type in straight men Now keep going keep going. All right. It's another hobby of his he has Brogans got archery yeah Astrology He has, he has, Brogans got archery. Yeah. Astronomy. Astronomy. Astronomy.

Astronomy. Astronomy. Astronomy. You got it. Pass. Barbeque-ing. Eating, eating, I said, hobby, am I? Yeah, I said, I've been pretty good at that.

Yeah, yeah, eating. Hey, anything, that's not a fucking hobby. Billiards? That's another hobby of his. That's another hobby of Jo's. Birdwatching. Okay, okay. I'd rather go cockwatching in a fucking West Hollywood gym That's another hobby of Jo's. Bird watching. Okay, okay.

I'd rather go cock watching in a fucking West Hollywood gym than go looking at birds. Bird is so pathetic. Blogging? These are the dumbest fucking hobbies. Oh, role-playing. That would be a fun hobby. We could get into that. How weird would it be if I showed up and I was in character?

I was like, hello, Tom. Boat making? How about just boating? I don't want to fucking build a boat making why is it boat making is it horrible bonsai tree sculpting I'm trying to think about how quickly I would abandon sculpting I'd be like now fuck this I'm scrolling stop scrolling I my therapist said you need a hobby and he he goes, he's like, what, what's something you think you could do? And I was like, oh no, maybe like leather crafting.

And he was like, okay, so into a leather shop, I got some leather, I was like, I'm gonna make a fanny pack. I made the biggest fucking fanny pack. You made it? I made it, it's so ugly. I made it, and then I was, and then immediately, my hobby turns into money I go wonder if I can sell this on the road. Yeah, I'm making fanny packs move a merch and it's a it's a 25 gallon fanny pack so big

I was like I was like oh, no, just I'll have it go all the way to put a 12 pack in it. Fine Bullying pat that's not that's not camping No kayaking Bolling Pat. No. Camping? No. Kayaking. Who's? You know what the other thing? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Someone goes, so you have any hobbies? I like to get in canoes. Like, what do you mean? I can do. I can do. How about the fucking, just the storage and like the, all that bothers me immediately. Like, oh, I got to tie it to the roof.

I have a canoe. You do? Where? At your house now? At our new house. It came with a canoe and a pool. Came with it. Yeah.

Are you in that house? No, no, no. We're so far away from being in that house. Really? Yeah. Wait, keep going. Canoeing. Car collecting. You know the problem with car collecting? What? Space. Yeah. You know what? That car collecting is real because Fluffy has legit. He has a warehouse. That's so I that is but I

know it's cool that I think it's cool that he picked a very specific lane that he likes, which is the like these VW vans and stuff. That's what he loves. Apparently he has rows of them. I just think that's so, like, not to be disrespectful, but it's so, I can't wrap my head around it. Like it's so bizarre to me. Really?

Well, part of it. Like the fact that it would be one specific car. Like, I had him on my podcast, we talked about it. Yeah. And I was like, why that car? But he just, what do you say? It was his first car and he loves it. And he loves that car.

It's just so, it's like Russell Peters collects watches. Yeah. And I think it's interesting, but I go, I end up going like, don't you just want one that counts your steps like Like how much shit do you want on your wrists? Yeah, I guess it's not for you like I'm blown away that people were red leather wristband watches Really I go see you take that off and get in the shower Give me times I Showered with a watch on in high school and I was like mother fucker and. And it fucked it up. Oh, a hundred times. I fucking ruined.

Uh, I just, I can't do that. I could get into that. I mean, I like watches, but I mean, the racing I could get into, because I do feel such a thrill. And it's one of those things where when you do it, like Adam Corolla racing, like where you go, this is my new hobby.

I'm gonna get a race car. I'm gonna go out to the short track. I'm gonna run against the guys. I'm gonna go out to the short track. I'm gonna run against the guys. I think both track days where you're like trying to get, you know, set times and actually competitive racing is probably really fun to be a part of. I was thinking about getting motorcycle, getting into motorcycles very seriously.

Really? Very seriously. What's stopping you? Just death. But I mean, maybe you won't die, just do it. Probably won't, ooh, ceramic and poetry? Pottery. Oh, I was like, why would they put those together?

Cartooning animation is work. That's a fucking, that's a job. These are so stupid. These are the dumbest fucking hobbies. Chess, no thanks. Cigar smoking, there's a good hobby. Okay, I got that. Ooh, is out, is outcrawling some on there?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Coffee roasting. You mean, I grew marijuana, that was a fucking pain in the ass. Yeah, are you done with it? Yeah, and I have like, fucking three ounces of marijuana. Was it good? I haven't smoked it, I'm terrified to smoke my own weed. Why?

I'd rather smoke someone's weed who knows what the fuck they're doing. You gotta try it, dude. It's the whole point. A All right cooking. It's not a hobby. It's a culinary experiences dancing We're both better at big in that. Yeah, we're both really big dancers. What's this guy? What wait dwarf is some? Dandy is some dandy is those a hot wait, what is that hold on? Why would you skip passes to dov? Dandism is a hot. Wait, what is that? Hold on. Why would you skip passes, Nadav?

Dandism. Dandism. Yeah, yeah, it's not just about the clothes. It's the pursuit of an elegant lifestyle. And it really is that a lifestyle. What begins as a hobby, collecting, grooming, and decorating, and quickly turn into passion

and then into a lifestyle. Dandies don't generally consider it a hobby. I'm a dandy. It comes who they are. And it is exhibited in all aspects. Wait, I want to explore this. Let's get into dandyism. Yeah.

Dude, call me a dandy? Shut the fuck up. What is it? Okay. So it's just... It's just like being well groomed at all times. No, I think it's like gay but not sexually. But... Does that make sense? Wait, go out of images. Go just into the all results, you know what I mean? Yeah. Fuck that type in dandy comedian and see if I can take that wait what is what is this

explode what is that one say there yeah yeah click that excessively concerned about its clothes and appearance a fop a fop informal something or someone of exceptional first-rate quality oh wait go about is dandy a slur I like, because I've been saying it for the past five minutes. Is Dandy a derogatory term? Well, where Dandy is jock, they're often sarcastic, agitive, being fine or great

when using the form of a noun. It refers to a well-groomed, a well-dressed man, but often to one who is self-absorbed. This is perfect. I could be a great Dandy. Yeah. But we gotta take you shopping immediately. I could be a great dandy. Yeah. But we gotta take you shopping immediately. I'm buying dandy clothes right now.

Okay. I'm gonna buy dandy clothes on Amazon. How do you feel about just being in suits and stuff? I hate it. You hate it? Yeah. How are you gonna be a great dandy? Put in dandy swimwear.

Yeah. Dandy Leezer wear No Frank dandy Frank dandy. I love the word dandy Frank that's right. Yeah, okay. I got an abs fuck You're there. You're almost there. I can be a dandy. We didn't even finish the pie talk. I just were hit me right now. Oh, wait, wait, so here's what happened. So, Leanne, I tried that, Pican Pie.

I pressed her for the recipe. She gave it to me and then started making it and I was like, well, this didn't taste right. Go back to square one and buy all the ingredients. Well, we'd eat it. I was like, it doesn't taste where I eat the whole pie and then And then I would make it and then it was like this one's better and then the third pie was like how's this one? Like that one's great and then we'd be like oh, I should just make this all I know how to cook something

I'll make this all the time and then in a month. I think I'm thinking about my dandy clothes All I'm thinking about is going to be a dandy You don't like it? You don't like it? I can't but it's gonna be so much fun to buy a dandy outfit Will you do stand up in it? I'll do stand up in dandy in dandy clothes And not take it off? Oh yeah, I'll do, I might just be like

Hey guys, I'm shifting my persona I'm a dandy now I love the fucking Like that? I love being called a dandy That is such a great fucking word And you're like this is my new hobby? Yeah Guys love being called a dandy. That is such a great fucking word. And you're like, this is my new hobby. Yeah, guys, I'm a dandy. I wonder what, how stand up would register

from you dress like this versus how you normally do it. You know what I mean? It's a totally different experience. So my ass hair's got tied together. I'm a dandy. You're a dandy if you do. Isn't that from that movie? Sure. Is that the line? Dandy if you do. Isn't that from that movie? Sure.

Is that the line? Danny, if you do is very common line. No, from Tombstone. Oh. You're a dandy if you do. I'm your Huckleberry. You're a dandy if you do. It was Doc all day a dandy?

I don't know. You're a dandy. Let's get out of the images. Yeah, you're a daisy if you do. Maybe I'll be a daisy. So you keep eating pies. Yeah. And I think six weeks of liens, grandmother's pecan pie recipe,

resulted in about, I think somewhere around 22 pounds. I hate when you fall in love with a food and you start working on that food and trying to figure out that food. And then you're like, I'm fucking put, like, Leanne. That's what happened. Yeah, Leanne got into making baking bread. Yeah. And so there were just loaves of bread everywhere.

And she was like, my bread's so good. She was eating just pieces of bread. All the time. Did you get into him too? No, because I was going through this one I was losing weight. I am stuck at 237. I can't move weight at all. And I wouldn't be shocked by been going up a titch.

I think you look great. Now you look fine. What are you talking about? You look fine. You look normal. You look normal. And your face is not as bloated. Yeah, I don't know why.

My face feels healthier than it normally does. I've been doing any face workouts Can I tell you what I do? Yeah, there's an actual thing you do. Yeah, I do it every day I go on the treadmill and then take this and then I get one of these clamps for cameras Yeah, and I put it like this and I clamp it right here and I work out like this. I you feel like it's a It's a slimming. Yeah, yeah, you look like a conquistador right now like this and I clamp it right here and I work out like this. I think it's slimming. Yeah. You look like a conquistador right now. This here is Esmanuobaka.

A conquistador. Oh, I'd be a fucking type in Spanish dandies. I bet that's conquistadors. I can't wait to see a dandy. I bet they're all over Silvernake. I bet Paul Laptopkins is a dandy. He definitely presents. Shut the fuck up.

Paul definitely presents well. He has nice clothes. Yeah, yeah, he's definitely a dandy. Paul definitely presents well. He has nice clothes. It's the, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's... Look! Definitely a dandy.

Oh my god, he's in a fucking sailing outfit. He's always in like great suits. I want him in these suits, he has... I wonder if he has the same amount of suits as I have t-shirts in sweatpants. Maybe. He's got to have hundreds. I might be the opposite of a dandy You're definitely not a dandy. I'm a dandy. Yeah What is up with these bears? Oh, I think I saw this on your Instagram. So some fan made these No way. Yeah, and then to the other hand

What? What do you say? Fuck you, Bert. Yeah, that's you. I have a meeting. This is amazing. Yeah. What is Bert? Yeah.

And so he gave him to me. Holy shit, man. Yeah, give him your kids. This is Bert and that's Tommy. Okay, they'll love that. Yeah. And I know which one to give, which one? Because...

What? Eliis is saying wild shit. Oh, for real? Yes. Hold on, is he as bad as my sister's kid? Holy shit. This kid just sat in the room, just going, fuck it. Fuck it.

Yeah, fuck it. Are you serious? Yeah, he's he's ramping up on like fucks and He's now he's fixated on fucking cars so every time that he's a car is like a fucking car. I'm like Yeah, and I'm like, hey, what are you saying man? And he was like oh fuck it. He said fuck it I know it's hard not to laugh. Oh, it's great. I go like, oh, I can't wait to see him and be like, what's up, fucker? He's like, oh, fucker.

He's saying crazy shit. For real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you been able to work him into your act at all? Yeah, I have a, one of my big new jokes is all about him. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they're beautiful. Why?

Well, I started doing jokes about my kids and then all of a sudden it's like, they're like, now you, the things will happen in life. They're like, that doesn't go in the act. Yeah, they're still super young, you know? I mean, that's when I started. Yeah. I'll put a finger in her ass, put it in the dog's mouth

and I was like, that's going on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I think how can you not though? If you have kids and you're a comedian, you're gonna talk about what's going on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I think how can you not, though, if you have kids and you're a comedian, you're gonna talk about what's going on in your house. It's so funny, because there are guys that you don't know anything about them. Like Daniel Tosh, you never learned anything

about him as a comedian. Right, it's just like commentary. Yeah, it's just commentary. Same with Jassel Nick, you don't really see through the other side to him. I am the exact fucking opposite to a fault where I'm like, oh, I'm telling you stuff you didn't want to know about me.

Oh, yeah, it's uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have zero boundaries. Zero. Yeah.

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Sometimes think sometimes I live a life to write about it on stage. Yeah, like right go like Like I'm a bit about taking Georgia for a first drive in a car Mm-hmm, and it was the day me and Joe me and Joey smoked that joint. Yeah, I got home and she was they were like let's go for a ride And I was like, there, this is gonna be great for the act. That's what I'm like. Did it become a good one? It's fucking awesome.

Yeah. Yeah, because I was hammered. I was higher than I've ever been. I'm in the back seat with Ila and we were, I was howling laughing at this idiot trying to drive for her first time. Fucking crying going and Ila is just, I, I think Eilah has maybe heard too many jokes about herself, and now she's this fucking lunatic.

Because she knows she can say or do anything, as long as it's funny, it goes in the act. So, and George must have been panicking with you guys like laughing. She was falling apart, we hadn't even left the driveway yet. Eilah and I are the back, runners through the ringer. Yeah, I feel like it's like I go on vacations. And I honestly go on vacations and I go,

all right, like what's the bit here? Yeah, it sucks, but I can't, you know what's like, look at this, I'm following this pro surfer, his name's Jason O'Brien, I think his name's Jason O'Brien. He's like the first vlogging pro surfer. He's really fucking interesting.

He's a great fucking surfer. But I don't know what I was gonna say. What the fuck was I gonna say? I don't know. You're talking about your kids and then, I'm following this pro surfer. I don't know what I was gonna say. I just got lost I just got lost because I was like I've been watching his videos a lot Yeah, and oh and I'm like god. I want to be young and ripped and surf and what about that is a hobby for you surfing

Yeah, I would love that to be my hobby. I know but you're like I got to get a board You got to put on the car now drive out the Malibu like so much shit if I can just find a sir a hobby that's in my distilling ooh I could get into a stilling. Imagine if you went through the same shit you went through to grow your weed, but at the end, you have booze, you can drink. Don't you think that would be a good one for you? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't have the space to it is still right now, but I think in the new house lot of space to distill. Let's start getting a lot of fucking hobbies. Let's start getting equipment and have a ship there. What about, well yeah, what if I made like a burnt corner? What if you build a distillery on the property? Do small batches sell for high end dollars? I could do that.

Yep. Yeah, what are we gonna name my whiskey? Am I gonna do whiskey? I don't know. Why not? Whiskey's probably easiest. Hey, find out what's the easiest booze to this, I was probably the only one who are all the same. I bet it's boggling. I'm not gonna do whiskey. I don't know. Why not? Whiskey's probably easiest.

Hey, find out what the easiest booze to this, I was probably that are all the same. I bet Bob is probably the easiest, because you don't need to put flavor into it. Yeah, you just need to like spin a story, right? What is the easiest alcohol to make? Hard cider, meat, or even fruit wine, in all your cases,

what about, what is the easiest, oh yeah, you already put liquor in there. Hmm. What do you want? Alton is still alcohol. How to make whiskey at home. I do small batch, and I just tell them in those little travel bottles. There you go.

We almost bought a vodka company at one point. I remember that. What a shit show that was. Why did it was a shit show? We were gonna get, first we were gonna buy a vodka company, so we looked at all these places and then it was like, it was a lot of money to buy a vodka company. Then we found a place that sold vodka in packets like emergency. Yeah.

So it was like in a little pouch. Yeah. And I was like in a little pouch. And I was like, that is right up my alley. That is so my brand. Like I just need a bump. I just, yeah. I was like, they fit in your pocket. You take them on planes.

Holy shit, man. It was such a great idea. You know you could call it, too. You could call it, I'm not an alcoholic vodka. I am on a pouch. I don't have a problem alcohol. Mind your own business, booze. Sure, it sticks on the morning in an airport.

And I'm in a bathroom stall drinking a vodka. Grand breaches. I'm drinking a vodka. I don't have a problem. Ouch, vodka. You can call it, you take your vitamins, vodka. I'll take this. Goddamn.

Google Bouges, they're fucking awesome. These palsy vodka things were awesome. And they were like, yeah, we'll stamp them. We got them stamp with their logo. Look at this shit. Oh, they're fucking great. Little, little Bob and Stacey. Look at those shit. Oh, they're fucking great little little Bob and Stacy look at those bebo's Oh my god, dude, and so we have no idea these exist. Oh, they're great. So we got oh yeah

We got them and then and it was it was gonna be um I'm 75 grand 75 grand for you could call it. I don't give a fuck about shit 75 gram for you could call it I don't give a fuck about shit Monica, it's called it's called you do you I'll do me vodka We all have problems vodka These were awesome and so yeah pocket shots. That's a perfect one pocket shots and so we get the order right and They're like yeah, well, it's and it made total sense They're like we'll get we'll order it you put your brand on it like you're your single brand it for you We'll give it to you and then you're good to go and we're like great. So we're like like how many do you want?

We're like I don't know like how about like it was great because you could go about like 75 grand worth and they're like perfect And then we're like great and then they're like okay, they'll be ready Uh, da da da, da, da, when are you gonna pick them up? And I was like, what, what, pick them up? And they're like, yeah, you gotta pick them up and then store them and then you ship them. And I was like, oh, I thought,

I thought it was different than I do. Yeah, I thought, yeah, you'd send them to us. And they're like, it's a fucking palette. They're like, we're not gonna ship those to you. Why can't they arrange for that? I don't know. And it was in St. Petersburg. I think where we were getting,

not Russia, Florida. Oh, Florida. And it, Florida. And so it just got St. Petersburg. I think where we were getting, not Russia, Florida. And it floored it. And so it just got out of control and then my dad's like, buddy, you're not that, I wouldn't start a liquor company. He's like, you do one thing right,

just stick with that. That's actually not bad business advice though. Yeah, I was thinking about buying a bar the other day. Buying a bar? Yeah, getting a dive bar. And what city? In LA. Just a place you can go to. To find a place where I can think. Yeah, like making an office slash bar. Yeah. So like I can go there in the afternoon, get some work done. Yeah. Get some work done. Yeah. And then open the doors up. Live band. Do a little stand up. This is a good idea.

Yeah. Yeah. How much of that cost? Would you go into a bar with me? I would walk with it. Do it with you. No, no, no, let me okay. Can I can I tell you can I pitch it to you? Yeah, okay? You ready? Yeah, name of the bar is Rick Shaw's if I told you this before I don't think so okay Name of the bars Rick Shaw's okay in front we have 10 Rick Shaw's And if you live within a half mile of my bar I'll come pick you up on a rickshaw and take you home on a rickshaw.

So there's no drinking and driving. Okay. You get a fun night of you on a rickshaw with your check, right? Comes run over, guy goes, hey, you have one. Hey, hey. I think this could work out. Yeah.

All the rickshaws are sitting on Riverside, right? Yeah, we're kind of overhead we're looking at. Not much. I mean, we have 10 rickshaws are sitting on on Riverside, right? Yeah, we're kind of overhead. We're looking at not much I mean we have 10 rickshaws in addition to the bar and the upkeep of the bar Google how much a rickshaw costs and then rickshaws are super cheap and then we what who do we hire to drive or right? Higher just anyone oh yeah Oh, so it's only fucking the 150,000 rupees What it okay that people also ask right underneath it. It's a price of a Rickshaw.

Oh, it's a lock. It's 1.2 locks. Dude, we get... Put about, how much is a Rickshaw in the United States? Undocumented workers. Is that what the right, portally correct thing to say is instead of a legal alien yeah undocumented workers yeah are the brichaws legal in the u.s. was maybe much as an electric how much is an electric rickshaw no no no you want old school rickshaws but

that's the next one there just as you you know. What the fuck, man? All right. Rick Shaw's, it was be great. Okay. I would love, I would love like just a dive bar. How much would you will, are you willing to invest in this? I don't know. I would do you willing to invest.

Go have these. I bet we could open up. Okay, well, if you were to open one thing, okay. I'm gonna give you a bunch of different ideas of things to open, okay? Okay. How about a beer garden? Beer garden that only sells hot wings and french fries, right?

Open out doors so you can smoke marijuana, smoke cigars, beer garden, right? We get an old, what we do is, you know what's just eating up money in LA? These fucking, these nurseries, they're eating up money because they gotta keep, they need all that space for all the trees and stuff. What we do is we pair up with a nursery and say,

I'm down. We're gonna get you, no, we're getting you out of the city, right? Out of the city. What if we pair up with a nursery and just get them a drinking license, a place to a bar? So you have all these beautiful trees in there. And you just drink under the trees.

And you drink in the trees and all the fucking beautiful smells. It's a great idea. I like that one. That's not a bad idea. That's not a bad idea. See, this is what this is about. It's about coming up with a million dollar ideas. Yes, and that's a good, and that's also kind of a hobby. Now it's more entrepreneurial. Yeah, we're counting bonds, I trees.

Wait, let's go back, let's go back to our hobby's list real quick, so I want to see where we are with that. Still he was really good. Like that dog training. I'm not training. I can't do that at all. Drowns flying. Drowns, have you flown a drone?

No. It's pretty fucking fun. Is it? It's really fucking fun. I almost, you know, so funny, I almost brought my drone today to fly it because I have a idea of a promo I wanted to do and I was like I'll just do it for Tom cuz I can't get anyone to do it for me Yeah, and I know how to fly the drone. What's this old picture taking? What's your idea for the promo? I want? It's stupid when I tell it. It's not gonna be as cool as when I I want to take the drone off

I want you to be sitting in a chair on the beach, like a lazy board or something, we'll move it out to the beach, and I'll take the drone out like a quarter of a mile in the ocean, and then fucking zoom it in, and then it just lands right on you, and you go, hey, India, come your way. Okay.

You really like doing these promos. I love doing promos. And you cut your own stuff? Yeah. And you fly the drone yourself? I fly the drone myself. You really like doing these promos. I love doing promos. And you cut your own stuff? Yeah. And you fly the drone yourself? I fly the drone myself. You have your own drone? Yeah, my own drone.

Great. Yeah. I like it. Fellowship. What's fellowshiping? It's like joining a fucking frat. It looks like. Ooh!

Hold the fucking phone! Freemasonry? I could totally become a free Mason. Let's get into a Kiwanis club. Why about free Masons? Why don't we join that? I don't know, what's the best fellowship? Oh, let's get into like one secret of one.

Like the... Free Masons. That's super secret. I want to learn like super secrets about like the presidents and stuff. That's the free Masons man. Oh here we go. Let's join the Illumina. Well there you are, there's the fourth one. Join that. It's the free mason's man. Oh here we go. Let's join the alumina Well there you are. There's the fourth one join that the horrible idea. Why don't you join there? It sounds Christchurch Christchurch

It's waiting for it is led right to this what's auto template orientals? Yeah, this is good. Let's do the secret societies for him See first one they came up free mason's yeah Luminati scrolling bones. That's yeah, that's a that's how you get a school right? Yeah, I thought that was what's the Rochester's right? Russians what the Christian Rossation Okay, Rozarucians. Rosicrucians? I don't know.

Rosesia? Rosicrucians were purported to be using occult practices to bring about a global transformation through manifestos. Streamasins, I don't know, I don't know, I have been playing. Okay, I don't know anything about it. All right, Bill DeBurg. What's that? The world's most influential movers and shakers

met in a hotel to discuss the coming years global agenda. To meet every year, but the context of their talks have remained an exellously guarded secret. They are not technically a secret society since their existence and membership are not in question. Elders of Zion. See, that's a. A Russian document called the Protocols of the Elders of the...

The International Jew, the world's most foremost problem. Oh, fuck. Oh my God. Hitler read the book, was influenced by it. This is a pretty good society to join. The Elders of Zion. Nice of Templar. Buy it. This is a pretty good society to join. I'm so sorry, hon. Nice of Templar.

Oh yeah. All right, nice to tell. I don't know, man. I feel like- I feel like Freemasons might be the most chill of the one we just read about. Wait, how hard is it to join the Cluclux clan? Easy. How can you look up how you can join?

They don't really still have a Clue Clux clan, do they? Yeah, yeah, yeah, they do, of course. No. You think the clan's done? Yeah, I think it is done actually. No, it's not done. Yeah, no, the Southern Law Poverty Law Center. It's not done.

Destroyed them. No. They're put them bankrupt. Their membership, I'm sure, is like in the toilet, but it's not like they don't exist. No, but they're not like this sounds silly. This is what's wrong with what's happening in media is like I didn't know that actual right white supremacists were in Charlottesville. You didn't know that they were actual. I didn't know that they were actually white supremacists in Charlottesville. That for on that day or in general. No, on that day. I did not know. they were actually white supremacists in Charlottesville.

On that day or in general? Yeah, I did. No, on that day. I thought it was one of those speaking and hyperbole the way the media does. It's white supremacists. And I was like, oh, it's probably just, oh, there were actual white supremacists. I didn't know that. Yeah.

When I hear the news, I fade it. I turn it the volume down a little bit in my head where I go, everything you're saying is going to be jaded to one, your side of the air. You started talking? Yeah, it's like, so that's what sucks about news these days. I don't believe half the shit that is actually true. Like I really honestly thought the CluClux clam was put out of business by the Southern Law Poverty Center. Can we get a current, how about current, like how many current members does the Ku Klux Klan have? Because I bet you, it's not nearly what it used to be,

but I'm sure there's still a thing. Well, that's not the secret society we want to be a part of at all. No, of course. But I think we should put, from there, it's 2017 still based in 22 states. I mean, you know, okay, ready? Fun game, name the states. Don't look you know, okay, ready? Fun game. Name the states.

Don't look, don't look, don't look. Oh, yeah, because it's in that report. Okay. Okay, we can get what there's 22, right? Alabama, Georgia. Yeah, Georgia, Louisiana. Arkansas, Texas, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Tennessee.

It's probably an Idaho. It's definitely in Missouri. Missouri, it's probably an Idaho. It's definitely in Missouri. Missouri, it's gotta be in Washington State, Montana. Yeah, it's definitely in Montana. Yeah, definitely in Kansas. And there's probably like, what else? Well, Illinois, it's an Illinois and Indiana, An Ohio.

No Alaska. Illinois it's there it's an Illinois and Indiana and Ohio We got name them do we name them? See there's gotta be the list Okay, Missouri or Mississippi. We didn't know we have Mississippi. That's kind of the number one Kentucky. We didn't say Kentucky Tennessee, Texas, Arkansas, Georgia, Maryland I did not see Maryland coming the Carolina okay West Virginia. We didn't say Kentucky Tennessee Texas Arkansas George Maryland. I did not see Maryland coming the Caroline Okay, West Virginia. We didn't say West Virginia though. That was where Charlottesville was Illinois. Sarah Louisiana Maine. I didn't see Maine. Maine Michigan. I didn't see New York. Really? No New York City Pennsylvania Washington. Well, we didn't get it all right. God dang it

I guess you can't judge a book by its cover. So if there's any secret societies out there, like hardcore ones that we didn't name. That want new members. Yeah. Hey, man. You want two new members with a platform that will destroy your secrecy. If you guys are looking for, if your secret society is looking for someone who can't keep a secret. Yeah. I was a member of an fraternity. Yeah, I know you were. Can I ask you this? There were some people that I had a roommate and then he joined a frat.

I went to a really small school, so it was extremely small. I didn't join. Just like this. Nothing. So, there is like that point where it's a friend of yours and you go, I used to like what really is like the secrets and they were like, can't tell you man. I'm like, are you fucking serious? Like, do you really buy into the secrets of the fraternity?

Like, no, but you know what I found later is like, I remember trying to do the secrets. Yeah, I checked the Guy Fieri, and he was because he's an ATO, and he was like, he was like, hey, yeah, we did ours different. I was like, oh, I think it kind of defeats the purpose of having a secret hand shake. But I mean, like, so when you were in it though, yeah, I was hardcore, I would not tell a fucking soul.

I wouldn't tell it on here right now, because I would be destroyed. Every ATO would just be like, turn their back on me and be like, why, when you could not tell it? You know? Right, right. And it's so easy not to tell. But are they significant secrets?

I mean, you know what's fun is I sprinkle them through my act. You do? Yeah. And ATOs will come up and be like, I got that. Oh really? Oh, it's fun as fuck. Yeah. A little Easter eggs. You have Oh it's fun as fuck. Yeah. A little Easter eggs.

You have little Easter eggs in the act. Yeah. Okay. Little Easter eggs. Sometimes I'll say I did something and you'd be like, wow, so odd that you said it that way. And that's for guys in the fraternity that go, oh shut the fuck up. Really?

Yeah. So was being in the fraternity meaningful to you? Oh, yeah. I would say it's two events in my life. I grew up around women, so many women that I was super sensitive, super soft, and I didn't know how to interact with men. Like, my dad was a man, but he was a lawyer.

He ran marathon, so he wasn't like, you know, going to an all-boys-catholic high school and joining a fraternity were two things that... Help shape people. Help shape me who I am today. Going to an all-boys-catholic a fraternity were two things that... Help shape people. Help shape me who I am today. Going to an all boys Catholic high school was the best decision I ever made. And I know push agrees with me when it comes to,

she went to an all girls Catholic high school. That's right. It's one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. And it turned me into the guy I am today. I learned that it was cool to get rid of the idea of being cool to pick up chicks or having to cross them. You could really be yourself. You could either either you were at school so you could just be yourself. It was 100% yourself. And in

being yourself that much of the day, there are parts of your personality that you discovered that you may not believe I would have discovered had I been around women. When I went to, when I was in eighth grade, I was like, I was eighth in seventh grade I was really cool like like cool and And there were a lot of parts of me where I didn't know who the fuck I was Like but I knew that it was being accepted so I was just doing more of that and Then I got to all boys Catholic high school and I started doing that and then I was like wait Do the fuck is this and then it was all about all that just fucking shaved off me. Am I the time I graduated?

I was a hundred percent me. Like I didn't give a fuck about, I didn't give a fuck about a lot of stuff. Then when I went to a college, I joined a fraternity. I found out that I was genuinely funny. Like freshman year I found out I was like, in all intents and purposes hilarious and I would do we go to chapter and I would basically do stand up at chapter where I would sit in the back and just

heckle and I would say things that I would say I would go how the fuck did I think of that? Like so quick one of the funniest things I ever said in an opportunity and this got me kicked out of a meeting. I was in a fight with my buddy Eddie Fernandez. Eddie lived with me and he had kidnapped my dog. It's a long story. And so we were we were not speaking at the time, but he was living with me. But we weren't speaking at the time. And he was the so he was the head of homecoming. And and it was falling apart. Like we we were with KD, I think it was KD or Kappa Alpha Theta. We were with KD or DG, one of them. And it was falling apart.

And he said something about the homecoming. And I made a joke about how it was falling apart. And everyone laughed. And Kurt Aguiano said, hey, that's one strike, okay? So at three strike, he got kicked out of the meeting. And he goes, says another thing about homecoming with DG and, or try dealt, homecoming with try dealt. He goes, and I make another joke, and everyone,

this is not gonna be as funny as it was in the room. Of course, then, but everyone fucking laughs and curkos, hey, that's strike two. And he goes, Bert, I hear one more joke about try dealt or about homecoming and you're fucking out of here, okay? And I go, I understand that. And he goes, all right, Eddie, proceed. And under my breath, I go, all right,

to Tridelt's walk into a bar. And the place when fucking bananas, and it was like, and they couldn't even deny that it was like, we should put it was like so, I learned how to be funny in that group of men. Right. And I think it's my personality today It's why it's why I do what I do. I think had I gone to a all an integrated school with like co-ed

Co-ed school. I would have been a dandy. I would have been like You would not have been a dandy. I might have I but I I really honestly like my low brow fucking goofball sense of humor was shaped by those But shaped by dudes and by but for I would say for you was probably locker rooms. Yeah, I got, yeah, I mean, I think it's that I moved so much. So I was always trying to make a new group of people laugh. Really? Yeah. And I think sports play a part of it for sure.

Yeah, that's where you like, you know, you kill in the locker room or on the team bus. Yeah, it makes you feel like you're, you know, you're definitely got something else going for you. But on a bus. Oh yeah. I miss buses. Yeah, I mean, a team bus ride is like a bonding experience like no other man.

I used to murder on bus rides. Of course. Like, I mean, I would get on a bus ride, Tom, and I would have so much material prepared. I mean, you understand? That was the only time I ever got on it. Really? You prepared material?

Oh, I'd be like, all right, here we go. We're gonna do, we're gonna do, like I would, I, bus rides, I miss that so much. I wish there was a way I could be put on a bike. I was talking to NFL player once about- By the way, public buses are not as much fun. No, never really not. No, I told him that I said, you know,

the only thing that's like exactly the similar between a high school athlete finishing their career after high school and a professional athlete finishing their professional career. He was like, they're not similar. I'm like, no, no, but this part is, the part that's similar is that when either one is done, that camaraderie is done. So you play professionally, you're of course a way better athlete, but when it's over, you're like, oh, the fun, like the hanging out is over. That's the bummer about sports ending after high school is you're like, oh, like those bus rides, the practices, the getting together to bullshit about the game or whatever, like those are the most fun parts, man. That's what I like about being on a tour bus.

It's just like that. It's just like that. Everyone's in and you start breaking balls about the night before. Like you're bringing like more people now. I love it. I love it. I didn't even realize I'm saying I wish I could get on buses and I have a fucking tour bus.

You do, bus. But I love that busing balls. The reason that I keep saying like we should tour together is I just want those mornings where you're waking up and everyone's having coffee and everyone's like, so what happened to you last night? So that moment, there are things in life where my heart skips a beat, those moments,

or the best is dude, I wish I could recreate the camp scenario where everyone's in bed and everyone's talking shit to each other from bunk to bunk to bunk. Just like. That was the, one of the the hardest that you know when you remember fucking almost puking. Oh, you're laughing.

It's a heart. I remember one on a camping trip like it was it was a school trip and it must have been in it's like we went to I don't know fucking camp place. And I guess we were probably in seventh grade. They were in seventh grade. And one of the kids, his name was Eric Mitchell. And he was tall and he was goofy. And his dad was a chaperone, but you could tell a reluctant chaperone. Like, you know, some of the chaperone dads were like, hey guys.

And there's the ones who are like, I don't know why I'm doing this. Like, his wife made him do it or something. And we were all up late just goofing around. It's probably like, I don't know, 11 o'clock at night and they had lights out at 10. And we kept talking and he was, and the dad, the chef was like, in the next room. So we could, he could hear us talking.

He was like, we quiet. Like, we're trying to go to sleep. And we're like, all right. So then we're in bunks. And then we keep talking. And I'm like saying something to the kid over there. And we're just goofing around. And he's like, I said, be quiet.

And like you know that you got to be quiet. And then on the third time, and we're also, we're seventh graders. And this is a kid's dad. He goes, shut the fuck up. And like, I laughed to the point of paralysis. I couldn't breathe. I could not breathe.

And I still remember, I don't even remember it happening. I remember laughing so fucking hard that I basically almost threw up in the bunk. The hardest, I ever laughed at a camp scenario, we were in 10th grade, maybe 10th grade, maybe 11th grade, and we go to this place called Windy Gap. And Windy Gap was a Christian youth camp, and you went there because you go go skiing.

So you go there over winter break, your whole, everyone, like it was like a young life thing. Yeah. Everyone just went to go skiing, right? Yeah. So we go, we go up there, we all, we all smoked jailhouse joints where you put toothpaste on a cigarette. Yeah. Or all smoking cigarettes. You sponsor to do some of these, any of this shit, smoking cigarettes. And three of my buddies, who I still couldn't even tell you who were, except for the one guy, Sal. All go out in the woods, get drunk. Sal gets so drunk that we go into confessional or

whenever you're supposed to think, and he throws up, right? So they pull Sal out. They pull Sal out, they take him to the nurse, he's throwing up, they find out he's been drinking, they take him back to our room, and they're like, and it's now it's nighttime, and we're all in bed, and we're like, what everyone's talking about, what happened to Sal.

They bring Sal in, and he lays down on the floor, on the in his bunk, right? And they're like, and they're like, Sal, we're coming back for you, we're putting you on a bus tonight and we're sending you home. The only way you can get out of that is if you tell us who else you were drinking with. Now, two of the people in our bunk rooms have button drunk with Sal and they leave, right? Then they come back and it's the whole staff. And they're at our door. It is pitch black. It's by 10 o'clock at night.

They're putting a bus, Sal on a bus at midnight, unless he tells it who it is. It is such a serious moment, and they go, Sal, now tell, they're all standing at the door, they go, tell us who you were drinking with. And he goes, I don't wanna go home. And they're like, just give us a name.

He goes, I'm sorry to do this, but I was drinking with Jack. And they're like, Jack who? And he goes, Jack me off. And they're like, Jack me off. And we are crying, right? And they're like Jack who? And he was Jack Mehoff. And they're like Jack Mehoff and we are crying, right? And they're like, who's Jack Mehoff? Who's Jack Mehoff? And we are, and we're dying laughing.

He's like, is Jack in this room? Okay, turn the lights on. We got to find Jack and he goes, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I was drinking with Amanda. And they're like, Amanda who? And he goes, Amanda Huggings. And so we're dying laughing. And they're like, this and he goes Amanda hugging kids and so we're dying laughing and they're like this is not funny

This is not funny and he just goes Jimmy Jimmy Is your wife here? He goes and she kept popping I am here Sal Do you want to talk to me and he goes no? I just want to tell you or fat horror and we're all like we're like all shit He's like get my bus ticket ready motherfuckers. I'm going home. I'll sell someone out Oh shit, he's like get my bus ticket ready motherfucker's I'm going home for myself someone else What's about a fucking bus he took a bus back to Tampa? Oh, dude We were it was like one of those moments where you're like yeah, oh you can't do anything to us. Yeah. Oh dude I fucking I love that shit. That's classroom stuff then I remember I got I got detention in fifth grade in

Fifth grade the punishment the detention there was that you just didn't get to go out for recess, so that was a call to the tent. And I got taken out of recess like 25 times for saying things in class. But it's someone like you, like you're such a quiet not a dude. But if I found a moment to say something, I remember one time somebody was doing like a fifth grade,

we're 10, and she's doing a presentation about her grandmother, and she showed a picture of her, and I was like, is she alive in that picture? I remember. And somebody, one of the teachers was like, if you make one more comment like that, you know, you're not gonna, and I just, she kept talking and I made another comment about her probably being dead. And then she was like, I mean, people laughed and then they're like, you don't get recessed.

I was like, yeah, but I never get recessed. I love, when I was, she got in trouble for flushing her socks down the toilet and she was in like kindergarten. Yeah. And then we were like, and we were like, and we go, hey baby, my wife's like, they ends like you should talk to her. So we're walking to Galston's and I said, I say, I heard you got put on the bench for recess again.

And she's like, yeah, she's like in kindergarten. And I was like, well, what is that? Didn't that bum me out? Not to be able to do recess and you got to sell in the bench, she goes, ah, the good games don't start until I get off the bench. I said, what do you mean? She goes, I mean, I create all the good games.

So they just waiting for me to get off the bench. I go, baby, but what about Lily? Like Lily doesn't seem like she gets put on the bench that much. Ila looks at me dead in the, she's in kindergarten. Looks at me and she goes, hey, dad, Lily didn't take enough chances. And I'm like, oh my god. Lily doesn't take enough chances. And I'm like, oh my god. Lily doesn't take enough chances. She got in trouble again for playing Eyes Close Karate.

She created a game called Eyes Close Karate with all the kids in her class and they knocked a kid unconscious. It was just closing their eyes, swinging, and this kid's like, I want to play. And he got caught. Did Eila, because Ellis is doing this thing where, let's say, you know, he's trying to climb in the chair and he falls, I go, are you all right? He goes, stop asking me, like immediately.

And I'm like, what? Dude, I gotta spend more time with Ellis. This fucking kid seems brilliant. I'm like, dude, I'm just asking if you're okay. He goes, stop it. Stop it. And I'm like, anytime, anytime I'm like, you all right, he's like, shut up.

I'm fine, I'm like, God damn. Stop asking, look at his brother, look at this fucking guy, he's like, these guys. I'm like, dude, you fell, he's like, shut up, I'm fine. I remember one time, Ila, Ila, have you seen the video of the girl eating a jalapeno? I reposted it, I reposted on my thing. Remember one time Ila Ila have you seen that the video of the girl eating a jalapeno? I

Reposted it. I repost on my thing. I remember one time I sliced jalapenos and Ila goes Try been little girl jalapeno. It's fun. It's the funniest fucking thing. It's on my Instagram. I Would be in my stories. It's probably deleted Yeah, follow me on Instagram. The I Just got ticked off because you. The oh, it's good I'll say you some good talks to get started. Um, I saw David Dobrik do this Elephant-paste challenge. Hmm. Oh, fucking insane. Which girl is it? Is it this girl? Yeah. Oh my god. Oh my god

Play this wait, headphones on Yeah, yeah, I guess so How did you know oh, yeah, I guess so. How did you know? Oh yeah, you just typed it in. Oh, that's a good picture, you Tom. That is a good picture. That's my new headshot, is my... Screene, grab that, screen, grab that,

and send it to me. I'm putting that on my Instagram right now. Screen, grab that, control, all four, whatever. Screen, grab that and send it to me. I'm putting that on my Instagram right now. Screen, grab that, control, all four, whatever. Screen, grab that and send that to me. I will have artwork before this shows over. Okay. All right, play this. This is fucking hilarious.

What do you got? What is that? It's kind of a mean mom right a little bit Zoom in on do go full screen you got to see this kids face when she realizes is it good? It's spicy Wait, do you see this kids face Tom oh? My god Oh Is that not fucking great yeah, I mean the nice how you sell some tickets do that to Ellis give me a jalapeno And then watch him just go off like a trucker like an ice road trucker who went off the fuck is out of the road

Mother fucker cock sucker dad But stop looking at me. He's spit shit out all the time. It would just be he would just go like oh I just like fucking throw it He throws food across the room He's like, uh, like dude don't throw the fucking food that you just chewed up across the room He's got a wagon don't like it. You and push, you go on vacation and leave your kids with me and Liam. And George and Ila, and we'll just, we'll just zoom them up for you.

Wrap them up, teach them some new tricks. We should maybe way to beat. I don't know if you want to, you want an 18 months old? That's how old that one is. Yeah, man. Jesus. Yeah. No, no.

He's starting to figure out like he's way ahead of stuff and he's starting to rule. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's starting to figure some shit out and then he's big and he's like, he's like, oh, I can like, he went out and he punched his brother. Yeah. He's starting to figure stuff out.

Really? Yeah. It's kind of fun. It's fun. Yeah, he started to think his stuff out. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of fun. It's fun. Yeah, Uncle Burdle come over. You should come over and have some fun with them. Oh, I can't wait. Yeah.

I mean, it's high as fuck. They're a good time. Yeah. Fucking, do they put, do they dick punchers? No. Go, good. Yeah, I know. No, dick punchers are rough, man.

No, they're not into that, but. Boys are, I'm not always super comfortable around boys because they're like, I remember a friend whose son was masturbating all the time. Yeah. And they're like, hey man, you can't play with your peepee in front of people. If you want to play with your peepee,

you got to go to your room. And he was like, oh, okay. And they're like, and the guy was telling me, he's like, yeah, we've been working on it. We've been working on it. And then one day where the barbecue and he comes in over dust and he's like, Hey, I was gonna go play with my peepee in my rooms.

Anyone else want to come? And we all look at each other like, and he takers on this one. I'm in a hard pass on that one, buddy. Ella's just walked in with me to Starbucks of the day and I look and he's got his hand down. His pen, just one hand and he's just looking around, just one hand in his pants. I go, what are you doing? He's like, I'm holding my penis down. And I go, well, don't.

And he's like, I have to. And I go, why? My penis down. I go, what? He goes to hold it down. And I go, but not here. Take your hand. And he goes, if I take my hand out,

then I will hold my penis down. And I'm like, just, and I keep trying to get him to stop. Then I go, just do it. Then you just like, fuck it. And you put your hand in your pants. And I like, fine. Hold it together. Hold him my penis down.

Yeah. Fuck a name. What do up. He's down. Yeah. Fucking amen. What do you think he's going to be when he grows up? Oh, something like not a corporate job. Oh, really? No, Ellis will be like, you know, I'm fucking, I'm distilling and an archery range. Yeah, he's going to do something on his own and then I see you know

Julian as being like oh, I'll get a job like a part like a normal. Yeah, no, Ellis will run run books. Ellis gonna be doing something that most people would think of as a hobby. Yeah, that's what I think. Yeah, I think Lee I think that's the same. Georgia will have a job. Yeah, Georgia gets a job at Fox working I think. Yeah, I think that's the same. Georgia will have a job. Yeah, Georgia gets a job at Fox, working in publicity. Right. Right, gets it through Coddy. Like gets done with college early.

Get straight away. It's like that. I have my 401K, also that we're gonna be like, Jesus, okay. I'm like, I don't even know what a W2 is. And then I a little be like, I'm making jam. I need to take it to a bea. Like what? I'm DJing next week, making jewelry. Wait, are you a porn star?

Is this code for porn star? Oh, yeah, like your hairy beaver, friend. Dude, I saw the craziest fucking porn the other day. Yeah. Where the guy runs, where the guy runs over, naked down the street to fuck her, because she's like, I don't want to, I want to do, I'm not, don't, not fuck, we all get a new daddy. What's that? like, I don't want to, I want to do the, I'm not, don't, not fuck we all get a new daddy.

What's that? No, I don't know what that one is. Oh, that's a good one. No, it's Japanese. The premise is a Japanese guy can freeze time. So it's all actresses and actresses, they're on a subway. And then the Japanese guy goes, freeze, and then he fives them. And then they just just go like this and then he just fucking plays with their body lays them down comes on their face And then unfreeze is them and they're like what the fuck happened. Yeah, but it's such a weird. That's so cool

How far did you make it? I why fast forward it? It's all until I got to the things. It's all pixelated And I'm like oh, one. Yeah, you can't be this fucking weird. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I don't know if it's just Japanese porn stars, but Japanese porn stars, I'll say Japanese porn stars, make a lot of noise when they do shit. Like, oh, yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's a really fucking, like, you like it.

No, no, not at all. Hey, oh, this is what Ron said This is why Ron called me racist. Oh, yeah, yeah, you ready? Yeah, he goes name one back porn star not a guy Okay, can you yeah, who? Honey you're making gold honey gold type in honey gold. Let me see this is a real person Yeah, type up on the gold porn honey gold porn New honey gold videos type in ooh, she's not black. She's Asian. She's half black She's fucking beautiful. Holy shit. Yeah, I don't know how I stumbled across her. That's crazy. So

I couldn't name one female black porn star. Well, I can't, I guess I can't really name him. And he was like, yeah, what's the one that blocked us? Diamond. It's like, oh, you got my pussy talking to you now. That one. She blocked you? Yeah, she blocked us because we have a clip of her

where she, where she, where she, quees as this guy's fucking her and she goes, oh, you got my pussy talking to you now. And so we kept playing that drop. And then we're like, let's talk to her. So all the fans started hitting her up. And then she blocked all of us. Diamond Jackson.

That might be her. Is that, you know, the only one that anyone could name was Lawrence Fishburn's daughter. What? Lawrence Fishburn's daughter is a porn star. I might have that wrong. No, yes. A porn star or she did a sex.

She did. She did. Really? I think so. Which is so odd because it's like because then I said I'm gonna pose this question to you, right? What would you rather do? What's her tragic Montana? She must have passed. Oh man. Come on. That was not fun. Oh no, he just disowned her. He did? Yeah. Yeah, I kind of have to. There you go. They've ruined porn for you. That's true. That's the part you're upset about.

Yeah, you're like, what the fuck? Now what am I supposed to jack off to? Yeah. Real cool. Real cool. I can't go on a random search now because of you. Yeah, I can't just fucking... So here's what I said would you rather okay Same money same money same amount of respect imagine if there was no stigma to doing porn

Okay, and I know that there's if I'm gonna say there is no stigma, but I think there's a little stigma There's a stigma. There's a stigma um if there's no stigma to doing porn and the money is identical Mm-hmm. What would you rather do have a statement of doing porn and the money is identical. What would you rather do? Have a multi camera sitcom or where you tell jokes written by writers that you're not in love with or a multi-samerate camera sitcom, where you and the four characters just fuck each other.

Fuck each other every week. And we always have surprise guests. Hey, it's Danny DeVito. I was going to think in another direction, but sure, okay. You know, like a different hot chick walks in. Oh, yeah, my bad. Hey, Danny DeVito. It's Condoleezza Rice. What?

Can you imagine double-teaming a chick with Danny DeVito? Like, you're, you're, you're, I can't imagine double-teaming a chick with Danny DeVito. Like, you're, you're in, you're, I get a minute. And double-teaming a chick first off. But like, you, you're in, you're inside of her, right? She's on all fours and you look up and DeVito is getting blown and he's just like, where it's like, it's, and he says, oh, everyone knows the penguin,

la, la, la, la, la. I mean, do you think your erection would go down? Would you, you would laugh, you'd start laughing. I would laugh the whole fucking time. I couldn't, I can't imagine someone I wouldn't laugh having a train, I guess that's called a train. So wait, did Ken, what was your driver's name? Ron.

Can he name a black female person? A lot. Yeah, but if you had to pick the one to have sex with, it's not, she's not black. Who is it? Christy Mack. By the way, she might be my top one too. She's number one.

She's, yes. I think she's so fucking hot. And she has such an amazing body. Like her body's like bizarre, like perfect ass, perfect legs, small ankles, small waist, big tits, who's that? Anafox, so these are the top porn stars of 2000. Top black, can you make it bigger, the screen? Okay, who we have here?

Anafox, she's hot. Yeah. She looks like she's like. You know what's crazy? This is like, she's a teacher. Oh my god, I'm gonna point out something right now that you're, I wonder if you're gonna see it too. Yeah.

What? When white girls are porn stars, because I'm so well versed in white girl, I can see it on them first. Like there's some telltale porn star signatures to their face that I go, okay. Someone's either a dancer or a porn star. Right.

But black chicks just look like hot black chicks. Well, I've only seen one here. She's in a sweater. She's in a fucking sweater. Right. But black chicks just look like hot black chicks. Well, I've only seen one here. She's in a sweater. She's in a fucking sweater. She's not. She's not, but she looks like she could be working at a hospital. Yep, that's true.

Oh, that's her. That's the same girl. Oh, that's the same girl. Keir Noir. I mean, she just look hot. They don't look like porn stars. They just look hot. Right.

No, I know what you mean. Yeah, she's hot. I might have to get in some black porn stars. Keep going down. Pfft. That's what I'm gonna do. Right. No, I know what you mean. Yeah, she's hot. I might have to get in some black porcelain, keep going down. That's what I do for black history month. Yeah. Aliyah Hadid. Aliyah Hadid.

Yeah, she's okay. Let's see who's this. Sarah Banks. Yeah, she looks like a fitness instructor. Yeah, it's like, there's, there's telltale signs of like, Jennifer, a lot of foxes, huh? Foxes.

Jamie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Demi. Hey, let's go, let's go to Pakistani porn stars. Are there?

I don't know. I couldn't name any Pakistani porn stars. Are there? I don't know. I couldn't name any. Pakistani porn stars. Palestinian porn stars. There's that one girl that one girl, uh, the one girl who's a big Florida state fan. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, she, she's kind of who are Pakistani porn stars shut the fuck up. Who is that? Sure. What does it say? Shazia Sahari. Shazia Sahari. Yeah. She's hot. Keep going. This is a fucking game. Eight million video views. Hmm. Tongue her asshole and okay. And what is it? It's his and her bio fun for a date.

You don't want to be sitting next to her on a plane. You know, you're going through TSA with her. All right. Nadia Ali. Oh, I like she's got the fucking mask on. Yeah. Oh, that's fucking sexy. Continue reading, continue reading.

Oh, Bollywood. Dude, I wish I had sex with an Indian chick. Do it, make it your side chick. That's what you should do. It's totally opposite direction. Oh my God. Yeah. Do it Mumbai.

Yeah, Mumbai. Do you think if I cheated on with the Mumbai, I'm not I've not heard a lot of rumors of AIDS coming out of India at all. There's a zero percent HIV in India you should do it. Yeah, I would I wouldn't be shocked if there's if you told me there's no AIDS in India I'd be like I believe it. I believe it to I mean I'm sure we could probably do are there AIDS in India There's 2.1 million people third largest HIV

epidemic in the world third largest oh fuck yeah but think about it there's a I was just about to go into raw dog in that country you can you can't because think about it this way there's over a billion people in that's why you know that's like when they say like when they go agents, when they go, Asians are bad drivers. It's not that Asians are bad drivers. It's just there's twice as many Asians on the road

as everyone else. No. Um. This would be a different than that. Don't you think that though? Well, there's not twice as many Asians on the road here. Yeah, there is. No, there's more Asians in LA than there are in a lot of places.

Like? Like? North Dakota? Oh, I'm dead up. Yeah. No, that's no, no. Yeah, no. But my point is, ready?

There's double the amount of Asians here than there should be because there's so many Asians. And therefore, there's not that much AIDS in India. No, no, but no, I'm agreeing with you. But technically, there's not a lot of AIDS in India. It's just there's so many people in India. Yeah. That's why there's a lot of AIDS in India.

But what I'm saying is that you don't need to wear a condom there. By the way, if you're tuning into this show thinking that we know what we're talking about, you know someone's like, I don't, what is that? Does, career town does have the largest population of Koreans outside of Korea. For real, I don't, what is that? Does Korea town does have the largest population of Koreans outside of Korea. For real?

I don't know. Hey, how about did you see them turn the lights off on the Koreans on the Oscars last night? No. They turn the lights off? What no. Did they really? Yeah, I forget his name, but the guy who wrote...

Parasite. Parasite won for, they won for Best Picture. They won multiple, he won every screenplay, director, international film, and then Best Picture, right? Yeah, and so he goes up to give us a substance speech and then there's Translator and then, then oh, I think I only called the tale, but a woman went to go speak, right?

And they were like, we're done, we cut the lights off on her and because it's a woman in Hollywood, everyone's like, whoa! Yeah, yeah. Don't you silence her. So then they start cheering. And then the lights go back everywhere. Everyone cheers. And then this woman gives a non-important speech.

Like everyone's like, all right, cut the lights back off. We're done here from this. Yeah, that was, I was a big, big fan of that film. I didn't see it. It's fantastic. I don't know anything about it. Just don't look up anything. Okay, just watch it. All right, I was a big, big fan of that film. I didn't see it. It's fantastic. I've known anything about it. Just don't look up anything. Okay.

Just watch it. All right, I've done. Just watch it. I want to see 1917. Yeah. I want to see that. I want to see, I've seen the Joker. I've seen, most pertinent time in Hollywood.

I, yeah, I, what did you think about those speeches where, like, everyone was getting political? Did you see what? Well, I didn't watch it on TV. I just saw online a couple clips. Oh, I was like, I know what this is when I saw the clip of Joaquin. Yeah, I was really happy for the parasite people though. It's such a good.

It's so weird to see. It's such a, it's so weird to see. It's, I just find, like I didn't get bothered by what Brad Pitt said. Yeah, because he kind of took a stand. You know, like he, like, what did Hawking end up saying? Nothing really. Just like we need to speak up for the voiceless.

We can do better. The, the, the, the, I, I, I basically, what he's technically doing is going, hey guys, I got into a lot of trouble. I've been a problematic person my entire career is what it sounds like he's saying. We all know that. He's like, I was a scoundrel.

It's like, don't say scoundrel. You were, I have a feeling from what it sounds like you were a bad dude. And you got to pass. And you want to acknowledge it, you got your pass. So now you're saying we need to stand up and make sure that there are more minorities in the industry, which it's like,

so you, like, I don't know, it's like, I don't know, it doesn't seem like something. It's cool when you see like a person of color say that, like I'm up here because people, I need to be represented, or I need to hire more people, it's just weird and white people preach to people. Yeah, I mean, like I'm up here because people I need to be represented or I need to hire more people. It's just weird and white people, priests to people. Yeah, I mean, especially with rich white people. Yeah, I just, I don't know.

I'm always bored by the, here's what we should be doing. Yeah. All right, we got to wrap this up. If you are in Tempe, I'm doing a Spanish show there February 20th, my Las Vegas residency or whatever you want to call it, shows this year's start in March, March 6th and 7th, at the Mirage, and then I'm doing a Valley Center, California Hair Resort, April 18th,

that's an English-speaking show. More Spanish shows after that, and then back to Vegas, May 29th and 30th, July 17th and 18th, and October 23rd and 24th, all at the Mirage, all at TomSkurah.com slash tour. I will be adding a bunch of dates that I announce in April that I'm sure I'll announce on all the podcasts. Birdie Boy World Tour is often running,

Bert, where are you gonna be? Two shows in Indianapolis, one show in Evansville, Louisville, Med from Massachusetts, I think we've added three shows. Mashnan Tucket, we've added a show at Fox Woods. Yep. Portland, Maine, Wilk, where there is a Clucox clan. We found out today.

Super something. I think it's free tickets. No, they don't. No, they don't. Wilk's Barriest Connected, we've added a show at the... What is the theater I'm playing in New York? I keep fucking it up. You're doing the beacon, right? I'm beacon. We've added a show at the what is the theater I'm playing in New York? I keep fucking it up. You're doing the beacon right? I'm beacon. We've added a show with the beacon So New York New York come out and support. I'm dying to hear Matt Bronger. Yeah, he's coming here right now

I think he's here right now. Oh real? Yeah, we got to find out what Tom's gossip was that he was dealing with on his phone We love you guys. Love you guys. Bye Bert Tom Bert one goes top the swath the other where's the shirt? We love you guys. Love you guys. Bye. No scripts to beat a booze amateur, for topology, dirty jokes, ronchi humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cake.