2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 20 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

On this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave Tom Segura surprises Bert Kreischer by having the Stanley Cup brought into the studio and they learn about its history together! The two of them also revisit the idea of becoming dandies. The question "what is the youngest age you would date" is also explored. What's the youngest you would go?

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, The panel of the metal is going to be up. There's a perfect way to start off with this shot. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit shot. I'm gonna try it every once. It's gonna be a hit. It's 100%. I'm a-a-a-suit. Trans rights are human rights. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. All I want to hear is we weren't recording yet. God damn it. And we have the perfect intro to another episode. Wilkesbury's Connected-E, Beacon Theater,

Washington, D.C., the Dark Constitu-Central, that's this week. There we go. That's a big room. Dark Constitu-Central? Yeah. I don't know. Are you excited to play it?

Very. Eddie Murphy, Delirious. Oh no. That's where he did it, man. I don't know. Yeah, you're excited to play it very Eddie Murphy delirious. Oh, no He did it man. I wouldn't be shocked if I were I've been thinking about Razzle dazzling my pants. Yeah, like really going hard with pants really going hard with pants like like post Malone Dove prints red leather. I got a pair of red leather. I did a whole photo shoot put your fucking phone away I did I did I do you shit that going on today No, no, no, it's not like fucking Jesus. Yeah, yeah 1-800 got junk shows up and Tom drops the podcast

Cuz it's cuz he's the only one that can translate between his maid and his fucking got junk guys The yeah, I want to go I was thinking about going hard pants. Hard pants. Yeah, like really leaning into the- Well, we're setting up a dandy session with somebody here in LA that they're gonna take us and do fittings and really lean into being dandies are new co-friend, hobby.

I can't wait, I can't wait. Are you gonna do a show in your dandies suit? 100%. No shirt. Rip off my shirt with suspenders underneath. Oh nice. Take this jacket off. Oh yeah, nice dandy hat.

Have my mustache done on. Are you gonna do bow tie? Probably. I think you're a bow tie guy. I wouldn't be shocked if I did something different, like a cowboy, like, probably. I think you're both. I wouldn't be shocked if I did something different, like a cowboy, like something really... Bolo, right? I'm thinking maybe, I'm thinking 1800s, Dandy.

Like Doc Hollywood Dandy. You can do it. Yeah, yeah, it's totally your world, man. I wouldn't be shocked if we had a whole group of Dandies. What if we said, hey guys, half off your tickets if you address us a Dandy? Oh my God, you're gonna really be getting some fucking dandy's showing up. God.

You realize you realize there was like, I had a dandy point in my life in like eighth grade, seventh grade. I guess it's more like being, it was like, uh, um, alt music type, right? Lesson of the Smiths and the Cures and Su-Susie and the Banshee's. But I was like, I was like a softer dude then. You were? Yeah. I wanted to do the suit thing so badly.

You know, I did suits for two full weeks as a standup. Like brought them on the road and wore suits for every show. Please, please say there's a picture. There's definitely, there's video. Where? I recorded my first album wearing a suit. Just audio. Yeah, audio.

And you put on a suit for an audio album. Well, I was working the club, working it wearing a suit. Just audio. Yeah, audio. And you put on a suit for an audio app. Well, I was working the club, working it in a suit. Wait, were these like, hey, Ray Rice is gonna talk to us after the Jeremy shocking suits No, they were just they were they I was bigger, but the suits were just normal, you know We do you have a suit right now. I have a couple suits like nice suits. I have a couple nice suits. So Okay, let's take two seconds and try to see. And they're great. They're fucking great. I don't own one suit and it's been worn

at funerals weddings, bar mitzvahs. It's just, like here's the thing, I love the idea that you don't, you really don't need an excuse to wear them, but you really don't, you can wear whatever you want to wherever you want. And you can. I mean, it's ridiculous to wear a suit

to show business things, which is the thing you learn when you get here. I also wear a suit to the first day of an internship and they were like, where are you going? Do you have a funeral after this? And I was like, I thought this was for here. And they were like, ah, no, this is Los Angeles. I was like, oh, do you have a finance degree?

Oh, fancy grimace comes walking in and it's suit, dude. Fancy grimace. And a big purple suit. Because God, he got that flare. Why am I doing purple? Nancy Grimus comes walking in and is suit dude. Nancy Grimus. And a big purple suit. Cause he got that flare. Why am I doing purple? Plains drives, he looks like he's looking for Jessica Rabbit. I would wear that suit too.

But wait, you think you need an excuse to wear the suit? Yeah. I've never worn a suit. I wore a suit the other day to a, to a sweet 16. And I was miserable. I thought, and then I saw some kids, like some other people not wearing suits. And I was like, hey, I'm there to wear suits.

And they're like, oh, they don't really, you know, they're, it's, and I was like, I barely know the fucking kid. Like, what am I wearing a suit for? I hate it. It really bothers me when someone asks me to wear a suit. Yeah. Because we got to remember, I wear a suit. I don't mean maybe not. It was the last time you wore a suit. The other two weeks ago. Well, this was for the funeral? No, for the street 16.

That's the last, but so you bought a suit specifically? No, no, no, I have one suit. My grandmother bought me a suit. Wait a minute. I have one suit. The suit you wore to the street 16? Same suit I wore to Funil. Anyway, this is a suit that your grandmother bought you.

My grandmother bought me probably 15 years ago. What? My grandmother bought me. How does it fit you still? It's a little tight at times. Yeah. Where did your grandmother buy the suit? Brooks Brothers, nice, navy blue, dark navy blue suit.

And that's the only suit you have. Only suit I have. Do you think it's like, you get why? Because when am I gonna wear it? When I am buying it and then outgrow it? There's gonna be new funerals coming and. Yeah, no, I don't. What other event do you feel like you could wear?

Why don't you wear a suit to dinner? With who? Leave your wife. What would she say? She'd say, wait, what the fuck's going on? I would never wear a suit to dinner. When I'm gonna eat and then it's just gonna get bigger, they're very unforgiving.

Like, you can't, one of my undo the suit, unless I get like a maternity suit where it expands. Yeah, yeah, I have nice shoes. If we do a live two bears at some point, would you wear a suit to that? No, no. No, I mean, if we, like, we'll, no, I would, I, I'm just gonna, I would be so uncomfortable.

Like, I can't, you know, I can't even wear a shirt on stage. I like, I legit can't wear a shirt on stage. I think that what I'm gonna do, if we end up doing that at some point, you, if we do a live two bears, you go shirtless all wear a suit. I like that. I like that a lot. Okay. Yeah. Perfect. I, I end up, if I put on a suit, I don't wear a tie, I would never wear a tie with a suit. I can't wear a like that a lot. Okay. Yeah. Perfect.

I end up, if I put on a suit, I don't wear a tie. I would never wear a tie with a suit. I can't wear a tie with a suit. I feel like I'm getting fucking choked out. I can't wear a tie with a suit. I then, when I get there, the jacket comes off immediately. And then, and then it's a matter of time before it gets untucked. Yeah.

And then, now I just look like a guy who's way too drunk and wetting. This you probably are. Which I usually am. Yeah. Yeah. And then now I just look like a guy who's way too drunk and wetting. This you probably are. Which I usually am. Yeah. So any wedding, if you were invited to a wedding next week, you'd pull out the blue suit. And blue suit, every picture you ever see of me in a suit, you will never find another picture of me in a suit.

I had a suit before then, my grandma got me a suit. What the fuck is with the grandmother buying you the suits? By the way, she's dead, and that's who knows by me suits. I wore that suit to her funeral. You did? Oh my God. I had one suit before she bought me this suit and I wore it to the Emmys, to the Comedy Central.

It wasn't the Emmys, I wore it to the Emmy party, Comedy Central Emmys party. And Amy Schumer came to my house and was like, we all left from my house, and she was like, you don't look comfortable. And it was so tighter on my waist that like, if you ever put pants on and you go to pull from one side to the other and they go,

it's not happening at all. I have never experienced that. Oh, I can imagine what you're saying. Cause you just wear sweatpants. I have a very... I'll tell you what, I wouldn't mind as I would I would mind a physique. I would mind a sweatpants suit That's that I'm sure that exists I

Want I want to I want to lean into like a nice Like if we weren't gonna do like what I'm looking for did you see did you see? God damn it? Did anyone see birds of prey? It's the new Harley Quinn movie. I did not see it. So you and McGregor, I saw it with the girls, the girls loved it. And that's what's for. I'm ad-loved it,

because I think that girl's fucking hot. He should. That's why. I was like, we're watching it for definitely different reasons. How about that kind of suit? What's that? I wouldn't mind something like that.

Like a nice, stretchy, like what I wanna do is I wanna get my face, I wanna get like a really nice, like linen suit, but get my face embroidered all over it. What a cool idea. I'm really into tracksuits right now. Tracksuits are good. I've been fucking loving tracksuits.

Yeah, I like tracks. And they're the best of traveling. And the best to ride the bus and they're just so eat tracksuits. You actually, the thing that's like about wearing those tracksuits all day before a show is you're like, I don't want to take this off to do the show. Yeah, because tracksuits are like, like tracksuits are like a forgiving friend. They're like, the off, bro, eat anything you want.

Yeah. You feel great. Are you kidding me? Cheeseburger? You're supposed to have a drink. You've got this. Yeah, why wouldn't you get a root beer? None of this is doing anything to your body. You feel that we're still very comfortable.

And then you're gonna put jeans on and jeans or like your dad like, Hey buddy, seriously, you look overweight. I mean, I'm not gonna say it. I know it's Thanksgiving, but you should watch what you eat this time. Did your dad say that exact thing? He did, right?

My dad one time told me he goes, this is like why I was well into being overweight. He was like, I think you're maybe starting to get a little bit of a gut. Like he was trying, he was like, wait, so your dad's not judge, like, judgmental of you? No, not like that, no, no. No, I know, your dad is.

Oh, that's so funny. This is my dad can't help it. We'll be eating things, I'll just go dead. Oh, that's so funny. This is my dad can't help it. We'll be eating things. He'll just go, don't do that. Like I'll go to eat something or the number one thing he does. If I'm gaining weight, Hill, jump on their grenade for me. Really? So, say I go, we're out to eat.

This is a, I mean, this is a perfect example. Okay. So we're out to eat. This is a, I mean, this is a perfect example. Okay. So we go out to eat and they go, what do you guys want? Dinner, dessert and I go, you know what, I'm gonna have another beer. And then what's good? They'll go, the tiramisu and the thing

with the hard rock on top of it, whatever it's called. You know what the fuck in, we gotta break it. And then, okay. And I go, they'll go really, and're gonna say yeah, let's get that no I'm gonna be like tremor lay tremor lay tremor Terremosu and Kremble lay let's get that my dad will when it gets there He will eat all of it so that I can't touch it and then he'll kill my beer And he's like oh, you don't want this as a joke and then it'll take a big sip

He's doing it to like save you to save me from eating it and I'm like I'm just gonna order another beer in another term I'm like he is he is he is he'll tell me the same stories about weight loss like he is a Are you going to text somebody? No, what are you doing with your fucking? Nothing we're doing a fucking pocket. Why are you doing this? Good God fucking W. I mean all right. Sorry Jesus Is Max can lady did not give me Diet Coke. That's Coke.

It's Coke. And it's so... I don't know. It's lap dance cheating. I don't even ask. Yeah. Well, you can put your dick in your mouth through your jeans, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, my dad... Did you guys go to a good strip club this last week? No, we haven't. the last strip club I went to was the best strip club I've ever been to. Where? Fort Wayne, Indiana. What?

If I could name the name of it, I would. Wait, that's the best strip club? It was the most fun. The best strip club I've ever been to without a doubt. Tell me Florida. No, I'm gonna, I'm gonna lay around, okay? So like, I went to one in Russia that was like, I was like, I mean, literally was like, no rules.

You're like, you know, we don't call this a strip club back home. I went to one in the best one ever, ever, ever is Mons Venus. But now you're talking about, we went there back in the 80s. Where's that in Tampa on Del Mabry? I was gonna say Florida is known for like crazy. I mean, you just starting to go go poke it out. You're like, huh? Okay.

Like. I went to one in Florida when I was 15. And they were like, yeah, come on in. I told them I was 15 years old. And I go, I'm thinking about like throwing a party here. And they're like, yeah, come on in, I told them I was, I'm 15 years old and I go, I'm thinking about throwing a party here and they're like, you wanna come to the back room, meet some of the girls and they took me into the dressing room and I'm sitting there

soft more in high school, like in the locker room. What could you shave then? Yeah. How would you when you started shaving? Like, you know, the mustache, probably like 13 and then sideburns, 14. So this is, okay, in order to hear this story properly, you gotta know what Tom Sagerer this is.

This is a very attractive chisel jawed, full-haired, almost looks like an offensive line coach, Tom Sagerer. Right, and at 15, I'm like 215 pounds, you know, and whatever you are five eight. They're like, yeah, five, six and a half. And so you walk in and... Yes. Oh, great. The fucking Stanley Cup is here.

Yeah. Are you being serious? Is this really the Stanley Cup? It's a real Stanley Cup. How do you hang on here? And spin around here. Is this the fucking Stanley Cup? This is the Stanley Cup.

This is a prank. This is a prank. This is the real Stanley Cup. This is the real Stanley Cup? Yes. Yes. How do I know that it's the real Stanley Cup? Yeah.

By the way, this happened to me with a cop one time. This is a really amazing man. Look how beautiful this is. Can I ask you something? Are we allowed to drink out of it? No. No. By the way. You got to be around the winners to do that. You got to. Okay, okay. I mean, the person who... Swing around here so we can see your face, sir.

This is absolutely amazing to look at. How did this fucking show up here? Are you in the wrong room? Well Wayne Gratsky's next door, so they figured he could just pop in here and do this real quick. I got a phone call from the NHL, there in an email said, come up here

and be here for around 230. There I am. Are you shitting me? This is why you changed it. You didn't have a fucking meeting. No, no, I did, I did, I did, I did. And that's why I was texting though. So what you knew, what you talked about texting.

See, the thing is about baseball, is it's just a great sport man. And so, I know. So, so this is, hold on. So, give us a little, can you give us a little bit of, do you know any of the history of, so tell us, I've been traveling with it for 21 years.

For 21 years? Yeah, this is the best relationship I've had in 21 years oh, so tell us problem with it for 21 years for 21 years This is the best relationship. I've had in 21 years I live on the road with it. So why what give us like a little history on Stanley cups 128 years old She stands 34 and a quarter inches tall made of It's 37 and a half pounds 97% silver 3% nickel It started off just as the bowl back in 1893 and started to grow.

It was a little taller, more cylinder-like in 1947 and then they redesigned it to the shape that you see before you today. It doesn't get any bigger. We retire rings. This ring's gonna come off in 11 years. Move all the rings up. Really?

That's how it happens. I was wondering, I was wondering, this says 1904 and then you jump right to 1973, I was like, that's a lot of fun. So the ring comes off in a very deliberate and special way that preserves it. Yeah, so. I mean, it'll go into the Hakele Famine Toronto,

getting shriened in the Estabrid Hall, where the actual original bolts, it's everything's original, but the actual bolt itself, and it'll go into a vault, and it'll be cut in half and mounted on a wall for more generations to see. And so for our listeners who don't or not watch it right now, you're wearing white gloves, you take extra special care of this. How much is this way? 37.5

pounds. 37.5 pounds. And so when a team wins, do they do they get the replica or everybody? They play for the real replica? Everybody play for the real thing. They get the real thing. When they get it for the year? No, they get it. Each player, the team gets 100 days with it. So pretty much from the night they win till when the season starts.

And we travel literally around the world with the organization, because we got players from all different parts of the world. And they'll get to travel with it for a minute. Yeah, we'll bring it to their hometown whether it's in Canada here in the past. So like if a team has a Ukrainian player, you'll fly. Yeah, fly to Ukraine and you're like, Hey, Vlad, guess what I got for you? And he's like, Oh, and show it to my someone. Grab the goat. We're going to put milk in it. Yeah. Was that the Ukraine in your experience?

Yeah, that's not Ukraine. And it was Ruslan Fettingo. That's not black.'re creating. And it was Ruslan Fetitanko. That's not black people. Ruslan, Ruslan! Where are you going, bitch? Did you were you ever surprised at the quality of strip clubs in some of the places you visited? First of all, I'm from Canada, so nothing touches that Canada in that day. Wow.

But the cup doesn't go in strip joints. No. Those days are long. Wait, what's the weirdest place the cup's been? I'd be Afghanistan. It was an Afghanistan. Holy shit. It signed up for the military We went to visit the military and see the troops Um, literally to be in the middle of the war zone was pretty wild. Was that skit like terrifying? Yeah, no The first I went over there on three different occasions with the cup and the first time I went over

After we got on the ground we did all this press and stuff They and dealt with the top brass and one of the generals asked me to if we could go visit some troops in another base And I'm like well the antichilism won't even can't ever let me ask you this Are you coming with me because absolutely next thing? I know we're up in the air with the US Marines for planets across the ground and guns pointed at the ground in case We got shot at didn't know at the time but special forces was following us in case we did get shot down We got the Ford operating base in the place went mental when we got shot at. Didn't know at the time, but special forces was following us in case we did get shot down. We got the Ford operating base and the place went mental when we got there. It was amazing to see my hands and jerseys that came out. And when I got back into Kandahar, I went back to the barracks where I was

staying and the air raid siren went off. Well, I didn't get any of the safety briefings, so I didn't know what the heck was going on. And so I'm just sitting on the Cup case reading a magazine. Well, the fighter jets and apparently we were under attack. I didn't see a magazine, well, the fighter jets, and apparently we were under attack. I didn't see any missiles, but apparently, the missiles coming into the base. And I was the only guy that didn't take cover, because again, I missed a safety briefing.

That is wild, but is this, does this have a, like when you're going, let's say, base to base or whatever, even traveling in a non-war zone? Does this have like a special case that you then put, you did. Yeah, it does. It's just outside in your lobby. Okay, grab it. Leave us alone with the cup first.

Yeah, good idea. Yeah. Can we touch this? You can totally, can you? Yeah, okay. So, so all I'm thinking about is a promo. When was the last time Washington, D.C. won the cup? Over there.

Okay. Hey, someone grabbed my phone. Oh, shut up. That was two years ago. Yeah, the Washington campus. They found over here. St. Louis Blues. By the way, I went to my first hockey match in L.A.

I want to see the Kings play. It was fucking awesome. I got one in Florida, so we didn't have Canadians, you know. I was in St. Louis. I mean, half a Canada lives in Florida. Now they do. Now they do. But I was in St. Louis. I mean half a candidate was in Florida. Now they do. Now they do. But I was in St. Louis when they were in the conference finals that year.

What two years ago, right? Or last year? Last year. Last year. And it was mayhem. Like, because I was playing in the venue attached to their arena. Oh, OK. And so the city was going.

Yeah, the theater there. Yeah, the stifle. Yeah. This is so fucking insane. So they put, they put every single player's name on here. Yeah, so it goes ownership, upper management coaches, trainers and players. 52 names per year go on the cup. 52 exactly. 65 years as long as 52 is as short as she can be on the cup. This year is when I was going to go right over here. I know we're in radio. But who's going to win this year? That's a good question. First team that gets to 16 wins, I guess.

Yeah, are you traveling a year round? So it's never parked officially for a long time somewhere? No, it's, I mean, we're on the road about 320 some odd days a year. Yeah, on the road about 200 plus to that. It does go home to the Hall of Fame once in a while. If you go to the Hall of Fame today, you'd see the replica, along with the original bowl

and the cup, all right, in the vault. replica, along with the original bowl and the cup, or in the vault, but this is the presentation. This is what I go down the ice. This is the one the players get. Let me ask you this. You're touching the same thing at every great player that's hoisted the cup is touching. What's the most disrespectful thing you've seen done?

That's what I want to talk about. I want to hear crazy cup stories. Yeah, it's not quite like everybody thinks. It is. Back in the 80s and 90s, before there was a keeper and before they had kind of control If you talk to guys in the 70s and 60s, it didn't get five minutes with it Some guys never even held it when they won it really yeah I got a lot of hand in the 80s and 90s and the league was gonna dial it right back to the way it used to be

Where it goes on the ice and then back to the hall? But they did a lot of really cool things with it and you know guys will eat it out of it drink out of the course I imagine all of them mountains fishing and guys respected. I mean they've worked their entire life for this That's true. You know, I mean when alcohol does come in there I was from saying that does go out or like alcohol there's cocaine and then there's girls I was willing to get a DUI with his cup today like I drove here and I was like when he showed up I go looks like I'm drinking yeah, so So they drink out of it, drink maybe moulson. There are a variety of beers, a lot of beer.

So the only people that really, that you gotta be there like at a winning moment. Yeah, you gotta be, I mean, it has to be held by one of the guys who has their name on the cup for you to be able to drink out of it. That's a rule. That's a rule. It has to be held by one of the guys.

Just because again, back in the time, accidents happen and the thing wasn't gonna last another hundred years and we get going. And you know, it is so tough. Do you have to get, does it happen regularly where you have to get aggressive for somebody trying to do something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was the last time you had to smack a wrist with a cup around, like, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, we don't put other friends' dicks in the cup. Things like that. Uh, we're not running a train, I'm gonna stop it. God damn it. People have, I imagine you've, people have tried to piss in the cup, right? I mean, I had went in this and where I, some guy was trying to do something and I,

and he was a big boy and I knocked him down and I just gave it to him and uh, I thought to myself this guy gets up, it could be a little scary but uh, I said yeah, nah, no, oh god. There's a jackal over there. No, he was not. He was trying to do something stupid and I just knocked it. What was it? What was it? He was trying to, I looked like he was trying to pee in it. He's trying to pee in it. Yeah Yeah, you see that that's disrespect. I mean what the guy look like it He looked like us or was he like you know, I mean they look worse than you guys, okay

It's not what I meant Can we do it? Can we do some photos? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Like so it just goes to like again, I don't work right right to there. Eight I'm gonna guess six six. Hey, yeah eight Wow Not bad, but 14 14 Why 14 now it's a good Canadian boy. You don't put 14 in his six and then follow it. That's just a crime right Right, that's called that's called alcohol abuse right? Yeah, because I guess I'm ordered to pour it in yeah, but I've seen it right to the rim. And that's 14 exactly. 14, man.

Damn. This is really, really, really cool. What a unique job you have. Yeah, so let's do a game, okay. We're sitting on an airplane and I go, and you be you and I'll be me, okay. Hey, man, you flying home or flying to work? Probably going to work.

Oh, really? What do you do? The honest answer is yes, I'm the keeper of the cup. If I'm just wanting to sit there and sleep, I sell insurance. Are you looking for any? Oh, yeah. I'm an abortion doctor.

I'm going to go to sleep, too. You're the keeper of the cup. Is that your... Is that your... That is your go to, though, insure. I have a good- I mean, most times, I mean, you guys probably fly a lot. It should be on nobody usually talks.

You get the offer, and sometimes I'll talk and explain what I do, but- If you send- As soon as you mention what you do, it opens up a thousand questions and you're next thing and- I was gonna say, I bet if you hear a Canadian accent- That's what I was about to say, dude.

You're like, uh-uh, I sell pens. Like, you know, it's really gonna go to- So whatcha do for a living, huh? That's his I was about to say. You're like, uh-uh, I saw pens. Like, you know, it's really gonna go too. So, whatcha do for a living, huh? That's his Canadian accent. He does mostly impressions. So, what you do for a living? I'll take a motion, please. So, why are you going over the world?

Are you Dutch now? It's down to Asian. He is. You're you're my Asian access. He has it bottled on me. You know he's got a paid for impression. He has a pretty wild reputation. I see an act. I can't be poor. Okay. How many networks?

All right. Yeah. Did you find it enjoyable? Yeah. When it shirts off. What's the club day hockey candidate? A club to hockey canadiens French way is saying Montreal canadians Oh, how do you feel about Montreal? I like Montreal to great organization their names are on there the most 24 times 24 yeah, followed by the Toronto me beliefs to 13 and Detroit 11 Fuck I didn't realize that material has double Yeah, they haven't, like, Canada, they're the last Canadian team to win the cup in 1993

and it has not been won in Canada since then. That's got to kill the country. Well, again, there are a lot of Canadians on a lot of teams down in the US. That's true. I mean, you look at St. Louis, I think the majority of their, well, I know for a fact, majority of their team was full of Canadians. Had a few Europeans and a couple of Americans. But, like, so the cup has made many trips to Canada, but...

Oh, yeah, well, that's where it's homage to the Hall of Fame. But still, a Canadian team needs the win, man. I'm gonna nice to see someday, what would happen. Yeah, yeah, all right. Well, look, man, this was awesome. This was awesome. This was a walk-in way, I did not see this happening today.

This is really cool, man. And by the way, I don't even really follow hockey. I mean, I just personally I think I'd be a superior goalie, but but that's I think I missed my window unless someone wants to Give me a shot. You know, I just noticed this right here, 2004 or five season not played. Yeah, and why go out of the way to make that decision? Because it's a running piece of hockey history. I mean, it happened. Whether it's a good thing or bad. I mean, it definitely changed the way our game is for sure. It's never good to lose an entire season, but in 1919, it happened, whether it's a good thing or bad. I mean, it definitely changed the way our game is, for sure.

It's never good to lose an entire season. But in 1919, it was also not a war to do to the Spanish influenza epidemic. And the cancel of the Stanley Cup final was Seattle Metropolitan versus the Montreal Canadiens in 1919. And it says right on their series, not completed. So when we lost the entire season, we felt it was important. Gary

Betman agreed that it was good to mark the cup that we lost last year. I mean, it played through both world wars. Unreal. I can sit here with this cup all day. Do you ever get drunk by yourself at your house and just like kind of just go through it and look at it like like a like a fucking phone book. Yeah, I mean, I sit around with it on my hotel room to my house at home, whether I'm on the road or at home. A lot of times during the Stanley Cup playoffs, I crack it, the Stanley Cup, and Stanley and I watch

the Stanley Cup playoffs together having a couple of beers. Do you, does this thing never leaves your side? I mean, me or another guy, yeah, the only time we're really separated is when we fly, once we check it, and we get, we have no choice. There's no choice. There's no choice. Lot after 9-11. Yeah, so you used to like fly with like in the sea? Yeah, back in the day I mean, we've done it once in line 11, but to do one flight with a lot of logistics took three weeks to set up for one flight We're not playing every couple days. And when you're like flying at home for Sasha in the Republic of Georgia

You check it like on multiple connecting flights and everything. Yeah, connecting is always a little nerve racking. I mean we were coming back from Siberia Russia this year and everything went smooth going through Russia on Siberian Airlines and then we got to Munich and checked in with Bhaktanza and unfortunately it didn't get on the plane there so I'm in Toronto and the cups in Munich. And you know the unfortunate thing is every day is a big day. There's always events going on and then during the summer, it's a really big time because each member of the team gets it.

What's their distinct amount of time? Was it today? Usually for singing tomorrow until about midnight. So you show up like 10 in the morning, you're like, all right, what are we doing today? And he's like, okay, first we're on my mom's dad. My mom and dad, this house. And then we're going to my buddy's house,

then we're going to my agents, then we're going to like, they plan a day, no one's just like, I'm gonna sleep in. Yeah, no, it's not, yeah, it's exactly. And do a D-N-E-R schedule a day, especially if it's your first time ever winning it. Depending on the, the, the love, let's say the status of a player,

do you have like extra security, if they're, you know what I mean, like a more notable. Yeah, I mean, that's up to the player's responsibility to get a player. Do you have like extra security if they're, you know, I mean like a more notable. Yeah, I mean, that's up to the players responsibility to get a security. I mean, they know, uh, yeah, I was chief of the big name player and the cup. I mean, uh, what's the story behind this dent? I mean, it's been Nixon bad. I always say, let's see what you look like at 128 party later. Is that okay? Right? So it's a pretty good shape for how it is. I mean, there are, it's it's, but this one seems pretty pronounced. Yeah, I mean, the trophy doesn't hide behind glass like any other trophy.

I mean, it's out in the community every day. I feel like you're talking shit to other trophies right now. Like, no, no, no. This might be the number one trophy in sports. I don't know, I know much about Hawkeye, but I know how much fun this could be. You know, Hawkeye, 11 guys on the field at the same time, different bases you get, you run home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Hawkeye. Yeah. So wait, wait can I can I make an offer right there right now if there's anyone six grand can we keep it okay if there's anyone who wins the Stanley Cup at the end of the year and they want me to be a part of their package for their one day I will party with them morning until night. It'll be on my dime. They don't have to pay me. I will fly out and party with you with the cup. I would love to have a day party and with the cup.

Could you let, we should put that out there. Some of the higher ups now. I can let the guys know I'll wait till June when they win it, but I'll throw it out there and the team that won it. And no one's ever been like, can I have sex on top of the cup? That's a yes. That's a yes of course.

I don't know. We can go. Of course. It's not. And was that guy's name Brian? It's 128 years. It's had I've heard a lot of different. Was that guy's name Sydney?

Oh, what's not. All right, big. Last question. Last question. Number one madman here like, no, no, no. I'm not going back to his house with the cup. I was like, it was like that hangover last time I was there. No, you know, I need to say something. No, you know what? No, there's a couple of guys. Their parties are pretty wild and crazy, but no, I've never said, oh, I never, like, the

guys are great. You know, we had a great group of players, coaches and trainers in the NHL. And, you know, it's And it's always a fun time. Guys are good. Like, I've never ever gone, oh, I don't want to do that. Can we quickly, can we check out the case? Can we go out there, check out the case? Yes. Can we quickly engrave the names of our tours and specials?

Is that cool? You're down with that? Hey, big boy, birdie boy world tour. Take it down. What's the name of yours, Stilettin? What's the name of yours, Nusson? Ball hog? Ball? Don't say anything racist, the game's over. I'm not

racist. You know how like non-racist people are always pointing out that they're not. Let's go check out that case. I hate thank you very much sir. Alright guys. Thanks for having us. How the fuck did that happen? So I got a call that last year that someone told me they're like, oh, there's this NHL event and somebody is a fan Like somebody at the NHL. Yeah, and I was on tour so many athletes fans years I think we kind of are drawn to each other athletic guys and athletes are like Sort of like, you know me like they were like you train I train like I got you a hang Yeah, you ever notice it's retired athletes

Yeah, I know it's like just like power lifters in me or just like really kind of spirits. No, so they said, you know, somebody there was a fan. Also, by the way, I got a big fan high up at NASCAR. They're like a NASCAR wants you to do this event. I was like, okay, never watch a NASCAR race, right? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We've gotta get out to the track

and challenge each other racing. Oh, I'm in. They can do that, they can do that in Tallah, I think in Tallah, Dega, we did it at a track for TripFlip where you can go out and they get you in one of the cars and you can do time laps. Yeah. Oh, we have to do that.

Sure, let's do it. Hold on, that has to be done. Yeah, oh my god. Even if it all do it, come here do this show where we have to do that sure. Let's do it hold on that has to be done. Yeah Oh, even if I'll do it come you do this show where we did something like that and then played it up here Yeah, talked about the event sure cuz that would be fun as fuck to do and then put the event on online But I was playing it cuz it's just like like people always tell me that your dance video Yeah, the hardest ever last was me watching your dance of course of course. I was dying We could do by the way. We don't have to do NASCAR to do to do that we could go to a track yeah but I want to go NASCAR why I love NASCAR have you ever been to a NASCAR band now they're awesome

they're fucking awesome in the infield yeah you like that you like the tires being changed So to so to so to Come on get out of the bit, but I said we could go do time lapse at any track with with a car You know the same car. Yeah, I would but I now I went to one NASCAR I'm not opposed to doing it there. I'm just saying it's accessible. Let's do I say what we do What if we did a match up the way Rogan does? What if we do, what if we did a matchup, the way Rogan does, does USC, what if we did a show together at a NASCAR event?

Like we do it, and then we go to the NASCAR event, and then we come home. And let's go to a big one, like Daytona or Talladega. You want to go to there, do a show there? I want to do a show the night before, so we can deficit fund our trip. And then go to the NASCAR the next day. Yeah. And why don't we do why don't we even do a two alive two bears one cave up the way they have their commentators. Hey,

it's Burton Tom. We're here. Talladega. We can do it. And we'll live stream it. We can do it. I'll be fucking awesome. Yeah, we can do it. So all right, let me finish telling you the hockey thing. All right. So the hockey they wanted me to do something last year, I said I couldn't do it because I was on tour. And then literally a couple of days ago, I got a call, hey, the NHL guys reached out and said, the Stanley Cup is in town, do you want it to visit you? And I was like, yeah, like, where, when? And they're like, no, it's up to you.

Like, what day works? And I was like, Wednesday. And then they go, they got back to me, and they go like no, it's up to you like what day works and I was like Wednesday And then they go they got back to me like yeah Wednesday works what time and I go what can they come to the studio and so I tried to coordinate it and I and then I tried to coordinate it because I had to move my time for Oh, yeah, you had to coordinate it again I had to go no no go back to them ask me if they'll come and I wanted it to be as we were recording So they would just come in with it. It was a perfect surprise. Yeah, I didn't I didn't think it was real. Yeah. I really didn't think it was real like I was like I was like there's no way there's no way and then I saw the base

And I was like there's no way they put that much detail into like a gag a gag I was like this is insane and then like how I start remember when we did this first episode of this and I had Hannah And now you guys are like friends had her in a star today I don't know cocktail stuff episode of this and I had Hannah and now you guys are like friends. Had her in a star today. Had her in a cocktail. Dress. I totally degraded her. Now she's my spin future. You're like, hmm.

Yeah, look at that decilitage. No, she works out. Yeah, no shit. She's my trainer now. You're neck was breaking. You were like, it's though. I feel so horrible. Yeah, like I just saw you as a fucking

would you saw him with your lampies? I saw you as a sleepy And now you're a human I didn't see you as a person before I know it's so weird when you start treating women as people. Has that been a real challenge for you? I'll be in this being a glass of time. I gotta remember when I fought her.

I think. And then, who? Would you have hooked up with her? Who? Would you have hooked up with her? Who? Would you have hooked up with Hannah? No, probably then not now. Probably then. But then I would have been like, oh,

like if I was single, I would definitely want to hook up with her. Now that I know her, I definitely wouldn't have. Because, no, I'm not, by the way, I'm not shitting on Hannah, but she shares a lot about herself in spin glass. She's like, all right, this song was really big when I was 13, braces on, big, big tails, you're like,

ugh, that's so sexy, Hannah. So, jumping on the bed, in my yellow, like she's, yeah, like, I know her as a human, but like, but like, you know, when you just see her, obviously she's gorgeous. And by the way, I've only seen her with her hair up now. But you're saying like saying you would prefer that story

to be a little sexier. I remember when I was wearing a bikini and I was getting fingerless. No, I definitely don't want that. By the way, I'm panting so hard in those fucking spin classes that it's all I can do to get through it. But her stories are so like, she's not like, when you saw it,

when I first saw her she was like like beautiful sexy Walked out in the room. No, not how do you not love that? Yeah, and now I see her like hair up and she's Hey, I got a heart foundation. I have a heart foundation I you know for cold air pulmonary colmanisms or whatever and pulmonary colonisms. Yeah, whatever So I know her too well like in she right right now., now it's like now it's like a like a cousin or something It's like a friend of yours, right? Like honestly more like a little sister because she is so much younger than me Yeah, you forget like I think that's Don't forget how much older you are than someone sometimes like when you talk about time

Yeah, kids at work at Starbucks. I called him kids today. I was like I shouldn't call him kids I was like no, I'm like 27 years older than any of them. That's a lot older. It's bizarre, because, you know, this sounds crazy, but when you know, we'll use Hannah as an example because I'm friends with her. Like when I first saw her, you go, oh yeah. Then she'll play music, and she'll be like,

okay, this song was big when I was in fourth grade, and I'm like, you're like, I'm like Nirvana. Like, are you shedding me? Like, this was when I was in fourth grade and I'm like you're like I'm like Nirvana like you're shitting me like This was I was in college like like or like she'll say a song and then you forget That's why I'm always so blown away at dude who can date younger chicks. I'm like way younger doesn't that creep you the fuck out? Yeah, I would be More apt to help Hannah get to the next place where she wants to get in her life. Yeah. As a like as a like an older person, then to try to fuck someone like that.

That just that creeps me out in the weirdest way and I often think I was so how young could you go if you're a great fucking question. Yeah. That is a great let's think about that for a sec. So wait, let's let's think. I can so wait. It would be below 49 fucking Jesus Christ. So how, let's think about that. So wait. We'll be below 49. Fuckin' Jesus Christ. So how old are you?

I'm 47, Lance 49. Yeah. Right, so. Liam brings up some facts. She's, she, people go, how old are you? She goes, 50, I go, you're 49, don't say 50. You're not fuckin' 50. You're 40, fuckin' nine.

Cause when you say 50, they think I'm 52. Yeah. So, say 49 and then I'll go, 47, I'm a lot younger. Yeah, yeah, I do the same thing. Cause she has all the things. I'm like, 52. Yeah, yeah, I do the same thing because he has all the things. For the same reason, what, 52? She's 56. 56 and you're 47?

I'm 40. Isn't it crazy that people think I'm younger than you? I've never heard that, but... Guys, in the comments. Don't even, just only in the comments, who looks younger, me or Tom? Thanks, guys. I've been, I'm so used to people thinking I'm older, it's just whatever. You know what's, you know what's easier?

Oh, it's a little bit, you act older. Well, the other thing is, uh, uh, uh, a strange thing is when guys will be, like, when guys comment, you know, like I've, I was at a bar after a show and it's, these guys were talking to us, just like, oh, yeah, you're shooting the shit, how you like it here, blah, blah.

And eventually the guys like, well, do you remember that? He goes, you're not exactly a, you know, young guy. And I was like, the fuck are you talking about, man? Like, how do you? So wait, have you always felt, have you always felt older than everyone you've been around or younger than everyone around? I feel like I was a young guy around a lot of people growing up, you know what I mean? I'm always, I've always felt like the youngest guy,

whenever I hang out with people. Like I never, and I remember in like fifth grade, there was this kid Jay. He was in like fourth grade, and I kept talking to him about like middle school, and he was like, I got a couple of years for that, and I was like, wait, you're younger than me? I was looking to a fourth grader, and he was like, fourth grade. And I was in fifth grade, and he was like, I got a couple of years for that and I was like, wait, you're younger than me? I was looking to a fourth grader and he was like, I was in fifth grade and I was like, God damn it, perth, grow the fuck up. I always felt like I was the, especially in stand-up too, I feel like I was the kid on every show.

Oh, is everyone I am seen and featured for was like 20 years older than me? I feel like, I feel like, I always feel like me and you are not that far off in age and stand-up, but then you look at it and you're like, oh, we're like legit seven years apart and stand up. Nikki Glazer, Amy Schumer, you feel, I feel like all of us are the same age, but I'm like, I'm closer to like, Burr and Rogan, which I don't feel at all,

like even remotely. I'm part of one of the, I mean, hanging out with you, you also, you have like, you know, kid-like energy. So, you know, I think I, I feel like those guys are much older than me. Like, I don't mean like, they look old. I just mean like, their energy is of like, you know, it's like a dad-like, like, you know,

you're an elder, you know, mature, whatever. And I feel like, you, like, if I didn't see you, I would feel like you're 10 years younger everyone always says to me Everyone always says I'm I'm taller than they expected. Oh, that's what I love that every time I made this compliment It is the best compliment because everybody thinks I'm five six So I hear that every week when I meet someone they're like you're a taller than I thought I'm like feels good They always say to me deals deal is say to me. You're not as fat as they say you are. Yeah, yeah, that's another way.

And they go, yeah, yeah, it's a fucking joke. Yeah. Kinda. And they're like, wait, where's that cross on fire? And you're like, that's a joke, too. Hey, guys, once again, we're up to pump the brakes on this racist thing when my special airs. Because we do have some hotchen goes segments in there

where we could get really lit up. So I've already gotten nervous when they're like, Hey, do you want to do the breakfast club? I was like, and I'll reach out to them right away. Like, let's have the special play out and see if they want to reach out to me. The back to how young would I fuck? Yeah. You're 47.

All right, let's start back in it up. Let's start, let's start. Let's start like here. Would you sleep with a 40 year old? Oh, yeah, 100%. Yeah, okay. That's like regular. Okay, let's go five at a time.

So how about 35? That feels like. Describe 35. So 35 is like. Describe her, tell me about her. What does she do for a living? Where she at in her life, like what kind of money does she have?

What was she looking for? She wanna get married, did she wanna have kids? Cause I wouldn't, here's the deal, here's the deal. Now this is gonna sound fucked up. Yeah. Okay, pull them up online. Aubrey Plaza? She's 35.

By the way, I'm sure, fucking Hollywood actresses, Amy Polar's not 35. No. No, fucking fucking you got the wrong list But that that that seems like that seems right on the money. I would think for a replazer, you know She's like established. She's got her own thing going on. She knows what she wants to do No, I don't want to know. I know it's like it's kind of like that Now here's the thing if I if I'm thinking about starting a second family, 35's too old. Not only that, this is gonna be a lot harder

to manipulate a 35 year old, you know? They have their more sense to them. Especially if it's all replasable. Oh, she's definitely, she'll run circles around you. So you need, okay, let's just say no right away. Get all replasable off the screen, okay? So, but she's out of my league even in real life. Like, so let's say 30.

Now 30 is probably just mature enough where it's not gonna make you crazy to talk to, but she's, you know, a 30 year old can be, like can have their shit together, has some money, has a job, no money. 30 year old, nothing to save up. She can pay her bills. She can pay her bills.

Yeah, she can pay her bills. She can pay her bills, she probably doesn't have a savings account. She has a savings account, but she's not like got a nest egg. But like what kind of money, why does this serve a big factor to you? Money's not actually a factor to me at all. But I don't want to take someone,

and then I thought about this today. Yeah. There was a girl in spin who was like super beautiful. And I looked at her, but she looked like she could be a little bit of a mess. Do you do that thing where you smell her seat? No, no, no, I definitely don't smell it. I don't know, I've never been, I'm asking. No.

Okay. And I thought, I thought, this isn't a bizarre thought, but I thought I could, and I've had this thought before, I've tried to work it into a bit, but it never came out right. I could blow her mind. Like I could take her from where she's at and then immediately put her into a lifestyle

where she would be like, oh my God, like what the fuck happened? Like, and by the way, I can't do that with Liam. Liam, I can't impress her. Like, if I go, hey, it's your 50th, I wanna buy you a Porsche, she goes, no. And I go, why not? She goes, because I don't want it. I'm like, why, she goes too much money.

Why don't we just put that, don't, no. Put it in savings for the girls college. And I'm like, stop, like, let's get to the end of the fun. Let's get to the end of the fun. Yeah, I said, let's, let's go skiing. We have three days off, let's go skiing. Well, I will take a private jet to Utah and she goes, oh, fucking no way. I'm already out, I's get married. Let's get married. Let's get married. Yeah, let's go skiing. We have three days off, let's go skiing. Well, I will take a private jet to Utah and she goes, oh, fucking no way.

I'm already out, I'm already out. Can I tell you though where your big mistake is? Because I'm asking. Yeah, you've repeated this a few times. You, I bought Leanne her very last present ever on Valentine's Day. She will never get a present for me ever again in her entire life.

This most recent Valentine's Day. I won't get a present for me, ever again in her entire life. This most recent Valentine's Day. I'm almost what happened. Yeah, 100, 100 fucking presents. And then we'll talk about fucking 30 year olds. Go. Huh. So Leanne, it starts with the fact that I tried to buy Leanne jewelry once.

Now Leanne is extremely difficult to shop for. Whether or not that is the fact that no one bought her presence when she was growing up or that the presence she got as a child or always underwhelming or she wasn't allowed to show gratefulness for whatever fucked up reason her family might have had. I don't know what that is, but she's always been tough to buy her presence. When I first, first time I ever bought her anything, I bought her a silver bracelet and her words instead of thank you was silver washes me out and I went

okay yeah and so I was like all right so just gold and she was like yeah gold and that's all you can buy me so I bought gold and she'd be like oh no I like it thanks that's the way we land received the present so Valentine's Day comes up she says I want nothing and I said okay now I knew that she had said in passing, I really love wearing a neat traxuit. Like they're really fun. I really wish that someone over Christmas had bought me a, I forget the name of the fucking traxuit.

It's like a really high end traxuit and they're based out of Venice. There's one at the mall on Riverside, but they're based out of Venice. Wish I knew the fucking name of them. And I said to Leon, I said, okay, I'll buy you nothing. Now, this is my only day home, right? I go to hot spin and I know that I need to be back

at three o'clock to pick up eyelets school. It's at 11 o'clock. I get in the car and I drive in two hours traffic. I think I saw the photos of this, right? Did I see a photo? Okay. Aviation. Aviation, yeah, they're great. photo? Okay. Aviation. Aviation.

Yeah, they're great. They're great. They're amazing. They make great jackets. Aviation is fucking phenomenal. A little expensive. A little, really expensive. Yeah, it's expensive.

But not super expensive. They're just really comfortable. Their sweats are comfortable. Their jackets are comfortable. Everything about them is fucking awesome. The girls love them. Christina is obsessed. Dude, I bought the girls aviate all one. I always someone had bought me one.

She has said that a couple times, right? Now I heard that like you, you are really good at buying push presidents. You always have been, you just get them, you bring them to her, she loves them. Yeah. Again in traffic, I drive from my house to Venice, which at the time was an hour and a half down to Venice.

I find parking and fucking Venice off Abakini, took forever. I go in to I go to Medmen first and then I go to Aviation and I say what color velour tracksuits do you have? Flowers a little nicer right? A lot more comfy. They said well we've got Gray. I said no don't buy Gray. Gray washes her out. I'm not getting Gray. Yeah. She said Gray we've got green. I say, she won't like green, but you know what? Now I'm going fucking, I'm buying the girls' tracksuits. You know what? Georgia will look great

in green. And then we've got black. And I was like, I don't like black, but she would hate a matching tracksuits. Why miss mix and match for Ila, right? And then I go, what else do you have? And they said, we have a gold tracksuit. And I went, bam, bam, golds are color. Silver washes are out, golds are color. I buy the gold, I buy the green, I buy the black pants with an oversized red hoodie for Isla

that isn't zip up, it's a pullover, all the lore. And then by Isla extra large pants, because she steals my pants. I thought about this fucking present. You know what I thought about it? And then I paid for it, was not cheap. No. Got back in traffic at the worst time to be in traffic. Cause I would argue three o'clock, worse than fucking five o'clock these days. Yeah, terrible. Drive all the way home. I've spent five hours getting this

present. I bring them home. The end's there. And I go, can I just show you your present. She goes, you got me a present? And I go, yeah. And I pull them all out. She goes, oh, please say it's not green or gold. And I went, it's gold. She goes, oh, no, no. Why would you give me gold? Gold washes me out. I went, hold on, and I lost my shit. I'm gonna lost my shit.

This is the last present you'll ever get for me. And I said, there's no thank you. There's no like, hey, you just drove out of Venice. You was, why would you drive to Venice? And I went, hold on, hold on, stop all of that. Why would you, and I got so upset. And I was like, by the way, no one got me anything. Like, no one got me anything.

And I'm sitting here. Georgia comes in, she goes, oh my God, I love this track suit. I look at the anime, that's how you do when you get present. That's what you're supposed to say. Ila comes in, hold on, secret, secret time. Yeah. Georgia comes in and says, mom says to me directly, mom says I'm gonna hate your present.

And I went, did you just get in her head before what? By the way, Leanne will see this and hate that I'm sharing this. Hate that I'm sure why? Why would she assume that Georgia wouldn't like the president? I do not know. I think she was I think, in all fairness, I think Leanne had said to Georgia, listen, dad's very sensitive about the health he's present. And he really misfired on this one.

Yeah, and he really misfired. So if you hate it, just don't let him know that you hate it. And then Georgia was like, I loved it. She's like, why would mom think I wouldn't like that? And I went, wait, what? Isla comes home, looks at the pants, he goes, what size are they? I said, extra large.

Lights up. She slept in them. Isla slept in them for three days She wore them everywhere she went they were the coolest pull up pull up a picture of us on our tracksuits It's on my fucking Instagram. So then Leanne puts on this the gold tracksuit George puts on green I love puts on hers. We go to our friends house and they're like god damn. I love your tracksuit Leanne Yeah, this is all and by the way, she looks awesome in the group. She looks awesome. And now she loves it.

If I go, I go, get, look, your wife just said, look, looks great. Look, your wife, the first fucking person, looks great. Yeah, it does look great though. She looks really happy in the photo. I think that's actually a fake smile. Like look, but look, I love her. And does Georgia love her? Georgia loves her? I will not take hers off, because it's an extra large

pullover Valor Hoodie extra large black pants. It's awesome. I look like, thanks, I'm so glad they didn't match. And I said to Leanne, I said, it's the last present you ever get for me. And what should you say to that? Fine. You know I'll buy her another present.

Of course you will. But it's like, you think you gotta start ignoring, cut back to the girl and spin. Right, yeah, yeah. You sniffed her seat, she's beautiful. This is my point about wives. All right, because you could blow this girl's mind. I could blow, if any chick heard, any woman,

any woman in LA herd, you drove from the valley to fucking Venice in the middle of the day. Sopping wet. Just what? They'd be like, for me? That's what they would say for me, but a wife. And also, different goes, hold on, why would you do that?

We have pickup at three. You're gonna be late for pickup. You're like, that's not the point. It's Valentine's Day, and I want you to feel special. But also think about how that girl from Spin class, she hasn't been eating out with, you have a toy in her ass. You know what I mean?

I'm not bringing that funder. That's not gonna happen. She also hasn't been eating out after I had hot wings and had that inside of a giant nut. And that's where a wife comes in. Pretty Andy. They're like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck wrong with you? I still love you.

What are you gonna do for a 50th? I think you gotta do a surprise. You gotta do a surprise. No, there's no fucking way I would ever do a surprise. No. There's no fucking way. I don't do a surprise and then watch all our friends see her go, why did you do this?

Surprise trip, that's what you gotta do. Surprise trip? Yep. You gotta buy the tickets, book it all, and just be like, here's your passport, here we go. Atliana's so penny conscious that she would it would for her would mean more if I Didn't do any like it's like do this. It's I said I said surprise trip I said I'll take everyone off. Why yeah, I'll take everyone must do a big big trip like a real

Let's all go to Vegas. That's something cheaper where you can get everyone, well I got a party bus, I got the store bus. You should buy the flights, pay for the hotel, have it all lined up, just be like, here's a card and have it all in the card. And then when she's like, how much does this cost? Be like, it's not coming out of your fucking pockets but don't worry about it. And then just go to the airport.

She doesn't hear that, it is, she sees it is definitely coming out of her pocket. I know. She does a, her brain goes, I was definitely my pocket. Don't What I said Yeah, yeah, Tom said you're not man for any of it Tom said you don't really make any money Tom said Tom said I wear the big pants. I got the big I got the big pockets. I decide where we're going. That's what Tom said. Oh good cool. I'll be welcome at your house. Thanks

Fuck dude. I'm good. Cool. I'll be welcome at your house. Thanks. Fuck dude. I I Leanne you know, by the way, Leanne is going to hate this part. Don't you watch this? Yeah, she probably will watch this. I guess she has so much fun today with push You know, she asked for the call and sick to work show that we're doing yeah, I have not announced yet the call and sick to work show that we're doing that I have not announced yet. That's alright, there's no details. There's no details. We're doing live podcasts in one room. Yeah.

And she was like, oh my gosh, maybe we could do a so over October. And I was like, you're not going to get pushed. She's got a busy day. Oh yeah. She was like, should you ask her? And I was like, I would love for her and Leanne to do a live podcast and watch the end get fucking just Deer and headlights and from a fucking 400 people like She would not be I think she would not be thrown dude. I think Leanne's kind of no live podcasts are very different

I know I've done them. I can't do them Well, I think you your instinct would probably be what most comics instincts Become at the live podcast, which is you start performing to the crowd. But it's not as good of a podcast. You end up making the audience laugh, but the podcast sort of, we used to do the live mom's house shows all the time. And the thing that we learned was that doing this, like facing each other would help the

podcast. If you wanted to, it was like staying connected Like keep talking to each other because what happened is if you're doing live podcasts You tend to start you know facing the crowd You guys know what I mean, right dude, and then you end up you're basically doing crowd work Which is fun maybe it will be better than me because she doesn't even know how to play to an audience Maybe she would just be in the moment. Yeah. That's the trick of it, is to, because it makes sense to try to make some jokes to the crowd.

But like, if you end up just performing to the live audience, your podcast is just you doing crowd work. I have a tour dates to announce April 1st, and I was like trying to think. What dates, what area will you be announcing that I'm saying time of the year? You were announcing the fall then? Fall, yeah.

We did, we just to be clear, Meantom's agents looked at our calendars to make sure we're not going to San Jose this week and then I'm there next week. That will not happen again, everybody. There were so many people like, asshole, I just bought tickets for time. I know.

I'm will not see you. I'll see you in two years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we just spread it out. Yeah. And then we got, we were doing something together. We got it. I would love to do something.

What, you want a surprise you said? Well, like that kind of surprise? What? Stanley Cup showing up, exactly. I like, yeah, we should do a surprise for a live event. For like, if we were to do a podcast, we haven't announced yet.

Yeah. We should do a surprise, a good surprise. Okay, we can discuss that. I mean, it's going to be, let's each bring each other surprises. It's going to be wild, the live podcast. Yeah, I wish we could tell. Yeah, I can want to always be able to announce it. I don't know, they would definitely let us know. How about this?

Hey guys, we're going to be part of the Netflix festival we are doing a live podcast at the will turn here in Los Angeles yes and so if you want your tickets check out our socials our socials I'm on Instagram and Twitter so is Tom yep and we will post there because we don't have the information as the time of this recording but the show is this year and it's at the will turn. It's an April. It's an April. It's part of the Netflix comedy festival,

and that's all the information we have. We hope you come to the live taping. Of our show. Of two days. April. And then, he'll be shirtless and all wear a suit. Yep. And we'll have surprises for each other.

Yep. And if you want to take pictures with us, I probably will and he won't. We should get a big cut out of you, and I'll stand next to your cut out. That's hilarious. People can take a picture of me, you and your cut out. That's great, we should do it. By the way, my meet and greets will be skinning up while this coronavirus hits the United States of America.

I would hold on. I mean, do you normally meet after a show now? Maybe 500. Where? At a bar. Evansville. We just went to a bar and it got. How did you know which bar to go to?

And how did I just go? I get done the show and then I put it on my Instagram stories at the end. We pick a bar that's kind of. You don't announce it from stage. I don't announce it from stage or my Instagram stories. I want people that really, of- You don't announce it from state. I don't announce it from state I put it on my Instagram stories. I want people that really, really want to- That's smart.

I don't want to just be like, Hey, except everyone go, let's just go there and get a beer in there. You do the post show, someone's like, I'll take a picture. You're like, I'm not trying to. No. By the way, oh, that or the one I get all the time.

I know you love this, Bert. Come on, get over here. We'll get a picture. The best is I went to an XFL game with Burr and anyone anytime someone goes I don't want to be that guy and he goes you already are so stop if you don't want to be that guy then walk away. I'm hilarious. By the way, he was aggressively annoyed with With being with me in a public place. Oh, I'm sure. Oh, he goes, you're matching their energy.

Stop matching their energy. Take it excited. Then you get more excited that they met you. Stop. Just say yes. He has no tolerance for it. He's been doing that. He's been doing that for fucking,

I mean, I don't know how long he's been famous, like 15 years. It's not for me. Is that four? Yeah. Or not even four really, just kind of two. Yeah. And the man he, yeah. So a 30 year old, you would fuck a 30 year old.

What about, okay, I'd be more at for 32. Wait, why? I thought you were gonna go the other direction. No, no, no, no, I'm gonna go older. I always wanna go older. I like women aging better than, I've never been, I've never been into like, young, even when I was young, I always felt like there was something

not really developed about like, girls. So would you hook up with a 19 year old? No, not even a chance. No fucking slim chance to none. Really? Not even remotely. That's only about 30 years younger. What's the turn off?

I don't want to talk to her. Of course. I have nothing to say to her. I feel like any of my ideas, if she likes them, I'm gonna hate them. Yeah. I go, I have an idea about a joke where I talk about technology and dating, and she's like, I love it.

I'm gonna go, of course you do, because you're a child. Yeah, okay, so 32. 32 is, 32 is my limit. If I was gonna re-marry, she'd be 32. God, that's still too fucking young, because then here I am 70, and she's 50 slam and fucking young dick. Yeah 32 I'm gonna I'll tell you what I'm gonna I'm gonna marry a 37 year old widow

You she has to be widowed yeah with kids wait when you can come in slide in I don't have to do the dampers and stuff, but they're like four and six. Oh, okay boys, and I'm like I always want wanted boys. And then, yeah, 37 year old widow. And do you care how the husband died? I don't want it to be a heart attack because I don't want her brow beating me about the way I eat and can't be liver failure.

It's gotta be like something. Can't be a surprise accident. Can we tie it in or something like that? No, because at any time he leaves now, she's like, me, oh, make sure to wear your seatbelt. You're like, I'm not him, okay? Yeah, yeah. I would not him okay yeah yeah um I would want him to be got shocked brutally yeah that's like brutally by a gang of young thugs

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you can always say off-color things it's just like yeah fuck I'm right there he is so god damn Vietnamese gangs yep Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha episode of real sports one time you're watching real sports. Yes, by the way, yes, and it sucks lately. It sucks so fucking bad. Why? If you're a producer of real sports, step up your fucking game. What happened? Is everything have to be about CTE or Tommy John's surgery or women's soccer players in Afghanistan?

Fucking tell me a good story. It's like everything's got to be a heartfelt fucking narrative on society It can't just be like do this guy was a fuck this kid's 11 and condom yeah Yeah, I'm so tired of real sports. I'm so tired of it even their year wrap around was boring as fuck It's always disease No legs and his brother puts them in a wheelchair. That's a great story But it's not super uplifting when you're on the treadmill.

You're like, God damn it, man, I feel like depressed. Of course. CTE, I'm tired of CTE. They make you cry so much. I can't watch football because of the God damn CTE stories when fucking we get it, man. They get it too. They know they're getting it.

We know they're getting it. We leave it, leave it. Let them be dumb. Let them. That's not what I was gonna say But like yeah real sports has I in my opinion dropped the fucking ball Like there was there was an episode where you know like they'll they'll they'll show the piece and then they go back to the studio And Bryant Gumball was with whoever did the piece it was like old white guy and then Brian Gumball just

Cut some off the knees. He's like, you sat with him. He seemed like a rapist to me. Why didn't you bring that up? And he's like, I don't know. So I just want to keep this job, man. So I don't know, maybe you're fucking killing everyone around here, Brian. And you're really difficult to work with.

And you don't let us put the fucking mic on the way you should put a fucking mic. Brian Gumball, he will not allow them to mic him the way everyone else gets mic'd. Everyone else gets a fucking mic on your lapel Your tire inside your shirt and him he just gets it on his fucking jacket. I fucking no one cares. You know what? I actually care it bothers you as a guy. Do you see the cord? Do you see the cord every time you see the cord on him? Good real sports. Oh, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just saw it on one episode. I'm really sorry Brian

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just saw it on one episode. I'm really sorry, Brian. That was a little hot. No, it's fucking... You know? Well, these are also promo shots. So this was done before. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Okay, you see that old white guy right there? I love him. I love him. It was with him. So what happened was he said something about dogs. Like, you were talking about like, you know, all these thugs. And he goes, you know, some thugs like, you know,

like these bloods and these crypts. And Brian was like, oh, why they got people as the crypts? And he's like, what? And he goes, what, what, how about they were Italian and Irish? And he was like, Bernie is his name. He's like, Bernie is his name. And he was like, no one means that. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey Brian, why don't we do this? Why don't we just cut this out all together and I'll stick it from the top? Yeah. Bernie is fucking awesome. By the way, Andrea, Andrea, on the, on the, India Kramer. Yeah. And by the way, I don't mean just cut this out all together and I'll stick it from the top. Bernie is fucking awesome. By the way, Andrea, Andrea, on the end of Cramer, and by the way, I don't mean to sound like, I don't mean to, because she did a very poignant piece

about how beauty and sports kind of matches up and you watch these women get aged out of sports because they just want hot chicks telling them the stats or interview in the play. Oh, like the silent, Andrew Cramer did a great fucking piece on this. Man, Andrea Cramer, last week on Real Sports, her legs looked fucking astounding.

That's where I came from. And by the way, that's- I'm attracted to older women. That's, listen, this is what she would want to hear. I'm sure Andrea Cramer, she's like, you know, I do my work, but- I'm sure Andrea Cramer here wants to hear this statement. I'll say it for you, Tom.

Yes, yes. I don't know what the piece she was doing was. Yes. So here's a better question. Yeah. 22 year old girl. Oh, no. What age would you find acceptable or disgusting?

If you passed away and you were a ghost, and you're in your house, and push, got remarried. Oh, that's the thing is she's so sensible and I already know that she would want somebody in a, she would want someone in a respectable age range. She can't tolerate a conversation with somebody young. So like, I can make it see. You think she'd go older?

It's possible. I mean, she'd go older? Um, it's possible. I mean, she could go like, like, real dirty spec. Like, I feel like, I feel like I'm like entry level spec stuff for her. You're high end. And you're, you're, you're a crusader. I feel like she might go for like a real dirty raken who's like, like, the thick gold chains on the beach.

You know, and he could be, I think she would go down. I don't think she would go that much younger than me. I really don't. I think she would be like, she would probably go someone in her range. And I think she'd probably be more comfortable with somebody even older than her. Okay, then what about you? Push, passes away, tries to be... I'll rest in peace.

What's the question? How young would you go? Like what's acceptable young? Let's start at 19. That's way too young. Okay, yeah. Because here's the thing, it totally changed. They gotta be around my kids all the time.

You know what I mean? Oh yeah. So no kids, 19 is cool. Yeah. Fuck him, it's like he's been on more. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 19, 19. 19. Yeah, no kids. My kids are in college. Maybe that's a different question. That's a different question. My kids are out of the house.

The person who's like, if they're gonna be like, like, be with me, they're gonna be raising kids. You know what I mean? So it's got it, like, that's the thing. She's already gonna have to be over 30. To be around raising kids, she's gonna have to be. So you're lucky, you can get 30 seems like closer to your age. I mean, I feel like I could probably deal with like a third,

like you know, kind of what you were saying, 32, 33, right in there. What color? Most likely, I could- You go blonde and keep it blonde. Yeah, I'd be like, it kind of looks like your mom, you know? Like, does it feel right? You guys don't have that hard of a time corner, mom.

That's why they kind of look at it and they're like, Mom, I'm like, yeah, he's color, mom. I'm like this, I like this, doesn't it? I'm a little bit. Kind of feels like mom. Yeah, I go with me keeping the pictures up a push. It's one error. I think I think realistically she'd probably have to be 35 You know kind of somewhat mature She's got I mean, you know Give her some her bras be like I just put it on dishy. Do you how does she work?

No, no, yeah her bras be like, I just put it on. Do you, how does she work? No. No. Yeah. Of course. Hey, I'm so sorry. I know you had dreams, but you then just got folded into mine and mine. Take charge of yours. So.

Yeah. I'd be like, check out the house, seal your shit. Everything's paid for. Have you tried Hotspin? Yeah. Like, what's up with your breakfast shakes are a little heavy Let's get some more H2O. Hey, have you seen the movie? Have you seen the movie? bombshell Which one's that's about Roger ails and no, I heard it's great though. Is it good? Oh, it's fucking off

Is that the one with Russell Crowe playing or is that the series? No, no, no, that's the series. That's the series Crow playing or is that the series? No, no, no, that's the series. That's the series. Oh That's time series. I bet the showtime series is even fucking it's probably more in depth even because they could you know Really get into the makes me one of fucking Really? Is that Charlie Starron? Charlie Starron plays Megan Kelly Yeah, and then other girl plays the girl that no one really got you Starron so hot so hot I mean how old is she? How is Charlie's there? See the problem with like I think it's supposed to say like Charlie's

Terran You're South African. Yeah, yeah, everyone says it 44 yeah, but she's got that fucking those Afrikaans jeans 44 yeah That she has Dutch Dutch built goddess that is that is Colonial settler genes. She'd be such a good Dom right where you don't understand open your mouth I'm gonna pee in your toilet now your mouth toilet. She comes from the genes

Where they had to survive a boat ride look at her right fucking a man then moved to a inhospitable land where you couldn't have Cowls or goats because you had big cats. So you had to live off the land You were there were the only white people and that's her jeans settled South Africa Do you realize what kind of Savage jeans you have to be able to fucking be Dutch and go there and survive? My god, yeah, did you see her in that movie with Seth Seth Rogen? Let's fucking be Dutch and go there and survive. Oh my God. Yeah. Did you see her in that movie with Seth Rogen? Were they fucking made out?

It's awesome. Really? Makes her feel like she's gettable. All right. And she's not. That's the nice thing about it. Who's she dating? Who's she dating?

Boyfriend? Let's set this up right now. Let's tweet it out. Charlize. And we'll just get all our fans to retweet it. If you had to marry one widow, who would it be? Bert or Tom? And then we'll put our networks there next to it.

Oh, why better network just destroys us. Oh, yeah. Of course. You think? Of course. She's been single. Who's her boyfriend? No. No. Jesus Christ in the dove. No, come on in the dove. No, come on, that's a year ago and it's not true.

Who is Charlie's there on Mary too? Who's a partner? God. Dating. Okay, go back there. Yeah. It's our Dating Actor Sean Pitt. Oh, that's a long time ago. All right. Wow, man She's got some Hollywood miles on her. She gave his Sean Penn and Brad Pitt. I don't think she dated Brad Pitt

I think that's really I think that's just internet Okay Imagine the miles on his dick. So Charlie's there on says to you first date she says I really like you're not gonna make me get like a AIDS test or anything are you? I'm like now I'm good I mean I know you brought it up now it's super awkward now I feel like I definitely should but I'm not I definitely would not I would actually I could see like open blisters and I'd be like what's that and if she was like if she said if she had on the wrong sunblock if you're not there on said I have her piece here's a deal I have them I can't really tell when I get outbreaks but I'm also allergic If she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said,

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if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, if she said, she said, if she Yeah, hey listen, I don't really, you're probably gonna bleed from your ass. And I would like you to send them to boarding school. I'd be like, they're already going. Yeah, yeah, what kids? What kids? The ones that I put in boarding school yesterday? Yeah, yeah, okay. Cool.

Yeah. He listen, I need you to read all the pictures of your ass. Now see, here's the interesting thing. She's 44. No kids with her. She's you and her. Wait, did she just have kids? She's adopted. No, no, no, I think she just had kids. I thought she adopted a kid no I thought my child was a boy. It's a girl. What oh, it trans? How did she adopted a?

Just go to her actual wiki. She has an adopted child. That's what I'm, that's what I'm, you're joking. Oh, you weren't joking. She has a, I thought you were just making a, no. She's a trans adopted child.

Yeah, I think so. Go to personal life. What is it? Your first time on fucking Wikipedia? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Relationships roll down. She dated the guy from Third Eye Blind.

All right, Stephen Jenkins the album Alright, that it up. She brought Stuart Townsend on the set of a movie. I can't book a movie with her. The couple is in LA Then she dated Sean Penn. Health concerns. Keep scrolling. Keep scrolling. She's a scratch girl to adopt a child She never adopted child. Yeah, she does. I'm telling you. We would put that in their personal life. I don't know Why isn't it there She does, I'm telling you. Would put that in her personal life. I don't know. Why isn't it there? There's no life. She adopted children, see?

She adopted seven children? Real that her seven, seven year old child, God, you can't read. Your seven year old child Jackson is transgender girl, okay. She got one kid? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, good. You know what that means? What? I keep my kids. My kids don't have to boarding school anymore. Because she has a kid. Yeah. And I got girls, she's got, yeah, good. You know what that means? I keep my kids. My kids don't have to boarding school anymore. Because she has a kid. Yeah. And I got girls.

She's got a girl. Yeah. We're good. How fucking great is this? You just need your wife to pass away. I can't even remember. I can't remember. Hey, Lehan, have you thought about doing cage fighting?

I wonder if Lehan and Push could do this with men, what they do. I'd be dying to hear that. Yeah, they would, they would do that. Yeah, you know what they did? They talked about raising teenagers today. Yeah. I bet they, they, they might have like a fun time having the train run on them like after

an NBA game. You know what I mean? Like imagine like you go to a clippers game like whatever and then you're in the locker, like they're in the locker room afterwards and all the guys line up and just drill them. Like the Wu-Tang Clan story? Yeah. Oh. Can you, like, what do you think Leanne could in a fantasy world entertain that or no?

Three guys didn't even go to you guys, she's like, yeah, I don't know this anymore. Yeah. Oh, would you remember when I told that story? So by the way, that story is in my special now. Are you serious? Are you fucking serious? So that story is in my new special. Oh God. But when I told it to you in Burr, I would I remember the most is a Burb being like this is the most emotion he's shown So excited to tell it Yeah, I'm gonna drive back for a podcast. What's our podcast is a 5 30 or 5 you said 30? Did I say 5 30 almost like it was today's day by the way your agent never got back to you just He's texting me twice saying he loves me anything

Podcasts at 5 30 okay, um, he texted you that I love you. He's texting me twice saying he loves me and he thinks on the back. Podcasts at 5.30. Okay. He texted you that? I love you. Who does your agent represent besides you? Who do you think your agent likes the most? On a personal level or their comedy? That's your both.

I would like to hear both. Because Nick, for instance, your agent has for sure a favorite. Ali Wong is gotta be his favorite. Well, I'm saying a favorite personality to talk to, a person. That's probably me. And then has a favorite comedian.

Not who's the best for his business. Who makes him laugh the most. And then who's the best for his business? I bet, I bet, I bet his favorite comedian is Jim Jeffries. As stand up. Yeah. I bet I bet I bet his favorite comedian is Jim Jeffries. As a standup. Yeah. I bet I bet his favorite client is without a doubt alley wall. Or maybe no, he represents Sebastian. Those are two pretty cool. Let's just say I'm not even in that list. I think I'm his favorite to hang out with. I believe that. I would think you're every agent's favorite to hang out with.

Yeah, yeah, sweet. Wait, who's the fun guy? I don't even know who my agent is. I don't really know either. I don't really know. I really know. You work, it's, it's you and you with Berkowitz or Andrew Russell.

Andrew. Okay. He's got, he's got the Leah. That's that I know. Is Andrew Russell single? He's got he's got the Leah that I know Andrew Russell single He's a girlfriend like house here is now they they're pretty serious. Okay, then by bit before it was the Like I got the lia so swing by Scott. Oh, yeah, clean up on what the fucking riff rap that's hanging out after this Yeah, you know, I've been I've been to venues a Week two weeks a month after the, and when I'll go there,

like people who work the venue will be like. Like, I'm a beautiful girl in the world. Well, they'll be like, I didn't know there were any good looking women in this town. And then D'Lia came here into the show. He was like, they fucking put their new faces on. By the way, by the way, he doesn't even fuck them. No.

They're just all out to see him. He just stand up for them. Yeah, they're all out to see him. That's like me, that's like Berk going, no, all these big guys were here to check their shirts off and Berk just left. No, I drink with them. I find them.

No, they love going out for Chris. Yeah, who else, he's got to Leah, you? I don't know who else, I really don't. Really? I really don't know who else you guys. I don't, I know Chris, just because we were friends and we'll talk about stuff, but I don't know who else. That's crazy.

I mean, they have a bunch of, you know, much bigger. Ali Wong blows me away. Yeah. Yeah, I wish I knew her better because she can talk to you, like sit down and talk to you and immediately catch up like your old friends without really even knowing her that well. She just is like really cool. Like she takes what she does. This is maybe the wrong thing to say but the what I'm trying to say. With dudes sometimes you don't have to know someone very well and you as comics and because there's nothing there you just see me in an

airport bar and you start talking. Yeah, sometimes with female comics, especially single female comics. There is like this weird like every fucking comics tried to fuck me. Allie's like a dude comic. She's like, hey, how the fuck is that? Hey, I noticed you do this. I wonder why you do this. Like, it's really an interesting hang. I really enjoy. She's a fun hang. Yeah, and Allie's super modest too. Like, she'll be like, oh yeah, you're doing, like she don't be like, bring up like, you're doing great. And like, hold on. You did 50,000 tickets in San Francisco. I, I, I, what she's doing is so, so many people are so mind blowing to me and that when we started,

how many comics were doing theaters, not arenas. Yeah. Theaters when we started. Yeah, I know. Brian Regan. Yeah. Cosby. Yeah. Cosby, yeah. Sign fell. Sign fell. know. Brian Regan. Yeah. Cosby. Yeah.

Cosby, yeah. Sign fell. Sign fell. Yeah. It was that was it. And now all of a sudden, it's like, it's like so many comics from theaters, so many comics from big theaters. Dude, we have, let's ballpark it.

Tenorina acts into a comedy. I guess. Ali, Joe Koy, Fluffy, Joe, Chappelle, Bill Burr, Sebastian. I mean, that's just me running through them. Yeah, yeah. You're forgetting like, you know, Larry the cable, Rodney Carrington, like. Big acts.

So fucking so insane. Oh, Franco Esquimia, the Mexican comedian. Yeah. You know how big he is, dude? So he is like the biggest act by a mile in Latin America. When he comes here, he lives here now, when he plays the states, he did the Honda Center in OC, he does arenas here. I mean, he's a legit, multi-country arena.

So you know, like a first I was joking around, I was like, Tom's doing Spanish. Maybe what I'll do is I'll just do like a really solid British accent and do my accent in British accent. Yes. And see if it would like translate. Yeah. And then we got the new house and we were talking,

Liam was talking to our neighbor, our neighbor's Russian. And the builder's Russian. And she said, she's, what's that for? That was supposed to be for the Stanley Cup. Oh, Corbell. But they were like, no, you can't drink. Mike, Mike shut that down.

Oh, the drink of beer. Yeah, we should have drank it, chocolate milk out of it. We could have like, one of us could have pinned them down and the other one could have drank, but then I feel like the police would have been here after that. We should have been have been like we take one picture We're one of us holding us the other one's got his dick in the cup. I think Mike would have shut that down too

He's like no, no, no, no, what have we held you a little bit? Um, wait, what was I gonna say? Oh, so our so our This is like my pipe dream, okay. Yeah, this is like, you know, your retirement is start doing South African tours or South American tours. Yeah I think that's your you're get out of jail me to a card. Oh, yeah, well, I didn't like you guys in the States anyway Come on, so I'm in the needles. Yeah, and so I my neighbor is Russian and his builder is Russian and Leanne's Talking to them and said something to the effect of My husband talking to them and said something to the effect of my husband speaks Russian and they're like, really? She goes, well, yeah, he lived there for a little while and they were like,

what does your husband do? She goes, he's a comedian. And then the one guy said, your husband is not the machine, is he? He's a Russian guy. And the guy goes, are you being serious? And he goes, wait, are you being serious? Your husband's the machine, is our neighbor. Your husband's the machine.

And she goes, yeah, and then he says to the guy in Russian, oh my God, her husband's the fucking machine. And the guy lights up and he goes, your husband is the machine, like the guy that robbed the train. She goes, yeah, and he goes, do you know that me and my friends, we play that when we drink to go out. We play that. And I was like, yeah, so I just got it

sub-translated into Russian subtitles, so there's something to do with Russian tour. Once again, having to announce that yet either. And so... You're gonna try to do the bit in Russian? I'm gonna try to do, I was gonna try to do the bit in Russian, but then these guys were like, no, no, no, just tell it in English. Just tell it in English, it won't translate.

It won't be as funny. Yeah. Because Russian, the language, this is gonna sound very racist. The language wasn't allowed to grow under communism, so there was not a lot of slang. So the language is very literal. Hence why when I said I was the machine, it was so funny this guy,

because I just went, I'm a car and he was like, what the fuck? I mean, there nothing makes sense. You couldn't say like, you couldn't, there wasn't a lot of slang. So he was like, no, just have him tell it in English. And he was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. He's going to Russia and Leanne's like,

he's going to Russia and he's like, oh, you gotta let me know. I'm gonna have my whole family come out, my whole friends. So my pipe dream is, I'm gonna put tickets on sale in Russia and I'll end up doing a stadium and fucking their president's gonna come out and be like, boom, my shit! That's my pipe dream. Yeah.

Now mind you, I think we're only gonna have it, we're doing like a 200 cedar. But. And also the presence of Super Chill dude, and he might. Do you know what, weird fucking shit he could get me to do? I'm sure he could force you to do it.

I bet he could get me, just co-hurst me like, hey, birth, you take off shirt and you hold girl down and like be like, hold this horn. I'll be like, you're thing, Vlad. Hey, come here, come here one more time. This guy does anything, no fucking for real. Give naked and hold other men like close naked, both naked, right? And then spit on hand rub on cocking,

go, hey, welcome to Brokeback Mountain, motherfucker. They would make you do that. And you know what, what happened? You would do it. I'd do it all. make you do that. And you know what, what happened, you would do it. I do it all. Yeah. I would do it. I have no backbone.

Yeah. Well, I mean, with Vlad there, I think everybody would do it. You're gonna die if you don't. If I will, by the way, I will hardcore, drop everything to party with Vladimir Putin. He's putting that out there too. Hard court. When I'm in Russia, I will go out of my way to if he says, Hey, me and you were I was honestly short Liz, yeah,

that's yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd be like, fucking by the on bitch, let's go. Let's do it. Um, birdie boy tours going go to burper burper.com. This week, scann acting me, uh belt, book's berry, uh, two shows the, at the beacon theater, two shows at the Beacon Theater, two shows at the Constitution Hall. Dar. Yeah. When you go back on tour.

I have a... In English. I have Vegas speaking at the Mirage, Terry Fator Theater. Ooh, I'm curious to get your notes on the Terry Fator Theater. Yeah. I've only opened there before. It's been a long time. Who'd you open for? Tosh.

Really? A few years, been a few years. Jesus. But that's where he did too. I really liked it when I did it. I liked it too. It's one of my favorite places. By the way, boys, to men is right across the hall from you.

Yeah, yeah, I went to their show before. For real? Yeah, I guess they've been there for a minute. They are, they sang at Kobe at, no. Yeah, yeah. They sang at Kobe's thing. They're fucking amazing. Those guys still have it. Yeah, they sang at Kobe's thing. They're fucking amazing. Those guys still have it.

Yeah, they do. They really do. That's like a God-given gift. But you gotta appreciate in a man like that, and men like them, to not smoke cigarettes, or drink alcohol. You're in the show biz. You could easily fucking ruin your voice.

That they still have their voices. It's like, dude. I know, kind of makes you think about your own voice, probably, right? Yeah, kind of. I've been losing it all week. All right, TomSevera.com slash tour for those tickets. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next time. I love you. the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call,

screw bears one cave. No scripts of beta booze, amateur, fatology, dirty jokes, ronti-himmer, no apologies. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave. you