2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 21 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

The two bears, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, reunite in the cave today to celebrate Bert's new Stand-Up Netflix special "Hey Big Boy" that becomes available to watch on Netflix March 17, 2020 on St. Patrick's Day! We first get into seeing exactly how much worse Bert looks now from when he taped his special (3-ish months apart). It's WILD. We get into both tom and Bert doing press for their upcoming specials (Tom's "Ball Hog" comes out March 24, 2020). They discuss writing material, how great Andrew Schulz's way of making content is, strip club stories, Ian Bagg stories, and a cool video where some guy found a baby CRAWLING ON THE HIGHWAY.

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It's 100%. I'm a fucking shit. Jews don't want to run the Federal Reserve. It's not even a logical thought. Why would you? Did we just start? Yeah. It's like a con.

You know what's beautiful about this bit? Is that you have to sit in the shower in the morning and think hateful thoughts? They come pretty easily. So, my Pratalina. This is a big announcement. Oh shit. If you will allow me, I am, I'm, uh, go ahead

and correct that for me. I'm very happy, proud to announce that this week, Hey big boy, Bert Krascher's second Netflix, one hour special is debuting. Congratulations, my. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It feels It feels so good Hey big boy on, check it out. I gotta be honest with you. This fucking, I can't believe you've done this,

what is this four, fizzusier fifth is airing next week, right? Fourth. Fourth is airing. Dude, this is my fourth special, but I'm just, it's the fucking, it's getting so much more exhausting than I ever thought it was. Well, the touring is, right?

Torengs, I'm,oreing is like the fucking sweet spot. This right now touring has been the funnest it's ever been. Because it's all writing and having fun on stage. But dude, the press for a special, promoting a special, thinking of videos to do for a special, I got a video. It gives me anxiety.

I got a video coming out tomorrow. Yeah. On St. Paddy's day. Does it have the shoes you're wearing now Yeah, those are special big show at the store tomorrow. It's already sold out 15 comics in the main room For podcasts in the OR belly rooms of VIP lounge your things start 10 10 a.m. doors open, I think it starts at 11. It's, yeah, but it's like all the bandwidth that it takes to get through one of these.

And you know me, I can't really, I can't pump the brakes and slow down. I just go harder and faster and I go, okay, come on. Need a video for this. Yep. Let's do a sled race, let's do this. I got a donated $1,000 to this guy, broke his jaw.

If I donated $1,000, then I wrote, hey, don't mind, like, like my brain just doesn't stop in the marketing mode do this. I got a donated $1,000 to this guy, broke his jaw. If I donated $1,000, then I wrote, hey, don't mind me. Like, my brain just doesn't stop in the marketing mode of this. I just, I mean, it was a different world when you look back at like, when I started doing specials in 2009, comfortably dumb. No one watched them, and that was how it worked.

We watched comfortably dumb in your apartment, debuting on Comedy Central. Yeah. You were your black button down collar shirt. One of the main reasons I stopped wearing shirts was that special. Really? Yup.

Sweat. Do you remember this? Yeah. I looked into the gray shirt and slowly expanded the whole special. And it ruined the fucking special for me. I could not watch that special because I started sweating so bad. Oh yeah.

Took my shirt off, never sweat again in my entire life. I am fucking cool as a cucumber. By the way, I am also the skinniest you'll ever see me on this special. On the new one. On the new one, yeah. On Hey Big Boy. On Hey Big Boy, I'm the skin. Let's pull it up.

Let's see it. Let's see how skinny I am. Let's see it. Go to my Instagram clip that they fucking memeed out. That bothered me so much. Really? To write a joke 18 months ago, right? Yeah.

To work on it, to film it in November, to tell it, and then have someone go, yeah, that is good. Let me just meme that, and then that'll go viral. Nope. There it is. There we go. On the left there, yeah. This is the skinniest I've been in my adult life

for a while. You think so? I was running hardest fuck too. 220? 220. Yeah. My hair looks awesome. Look at that belly.

Yeah. That's me skinny, isn't that sad? Look at that fat fucking arm. That's me skinny. isn't that sad? Look at that fat fucking arm. That's me skinny. Look at that belly. It's still like, I'm skinny there. You know what? You know what?

This, if you can pull up and have it side by side, you from last week in New York. Next to this one, it looks like they're a film years apart. Wait, do I look big in New York? Oh my god. No, shut up. Shut up do I look big in New York? Oh my god Shut up Are you serious?

It looks so much bigger than this. Are you serious? Good that you film this that yeah, can you pull that up? Okay, the dogs on it Got it already I had it saved on my phone Okay, I don't know okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, when I saw this I was like holy what when was this and they're like oh No, this is over the weekend. I balloon up over weekends. Yeah, so easily of course man flying sodium sodium Beer I love a beer. No, I saw that It went away pretty quickly. Yeah, I had a rough morning this morning. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, what happened?

So yesterday I'm doing press for the special Mother fucker Here we go there we go yesterday. I'm doing press for the special. Hey big boy, currently streaming on Netflix. And it was nonstop. It was nonstop. I started at nine in the eight, thirty in the morning and it just went until nine o'clock at night. Don't you hate it? The press? Yeah. You know what? I got to be honest with you. At a certain point, I go, I should stop talking. I did your mom's house with you. It's kind of the highlight of the day,

because for some, man, I actually got in the car and I called the end and I go, I really miss Tom and Push, because I haven't really hung out with you guys unless I do that pocket. It's like so fleeting. It's either one or the other. And that was the highlight of my day,

because it was so seamless, it was so easy, it was so casual and funny. And then end the day at nine. I got home, I had to read, I saw the girls for 10 minutes, right? Welcome up this morning. This made me angry. I don't know if you'll ever compartmentalize it this way.

Welcome up this morning. Georgia had a late start. It's seven o'clock and she's standing over me. I'm in bed, she's standing over me and she made me a breakfast sandwich so that we could hang out for a little bit before she went to school. That's adorable. It's adorable, right?

Immediately I start going, I'm a shit fucking dad. I'm putting all my energy into making money touring and promoting specials and promoting tours and to doing Netflix series and to working on the machine script, and I'm putting myself spreading myself so thin, and by the way, I'm only spreading myself more thin that I don't see my oldest daughter, who's at that precipice of like, am I gonna be a bad kid or a good kid,

15 years old? This kid woke up early. Didn't even make herself breakfast. She had cereal, and made me a breakfast sandwich. And then I just murdered it yeah I was like I was like it was so fucking good it was the best breakfast I ever had she put a hot sauce on it because she knows how like hot sauce she's a child but she put the right amount of hot salt like if I put hot sauce on it I just dump it all over

yeah she put it up so you got a hint of hot sauce. She made the eggs runny and then put cheddar cheese, big chunks of cheddar cheese, and then toasted it lightly. Fuck, you're gonna make me wanna go get one, man. It was the best breakfast I've ever had. And then we spend some time together. She's like, all right, I gotta go to school. And she takes off.

And then I'm like, I got angry, except I got angry because I felt like I go, why is it always gotta be me? Like why do I gotta do everything? Like why can't I lighten the load? I look at like, I look at like you or Burr, I feel like you guys aren't running around like a chicken with your head cut off. You guys feel like you guys got your shit together, or Rogan.

Rogan seems like he's got everything dialed in. I get up, elliptical, make my dinner with my kids, shoot a bow a couple times, go over, lift weights, sauna, podcast, home, take the girls. It's like, he's like, he doesn't seem scattered. It doesn't seem scattered. And I feel like fucking buckshot, just everywhere. And then I'm like, and then I get stuck in the angry

and I go, why isn't, how can I feel like, we're like no one bought, we did the fucking shoot today, no one bought me pants. And I was like, why do I have to buy pants? Why do I have to buy tap shoes? Like, I'm like, why do I have to buy pants? Why do I have to buy tap shoes? Like, I'm like, like, why do I have to do it? I get so angry, I'm fucking so mad and then I call the hand in.

And like, I go, lian, and she's like, oh, fuck. And I go, oh, I get the old fuck look, huh? I can't get that. And I saw I got so worked up. As long as I just felt like I fucking drop the ball to work out. And she did something nice and then I manifested into like, why I gotta do everything?

Yeah, no, dude, everybody has those mornings though. Everybody has those days. It's, I'm dying to see your kids grow up. Yeah. Cause like I think we all knew that, that kid that made me the breakfast sandwich, you me and push and me and knew that was that kid when we met her. That's true.

She has been the, just the cutest fucking softest pushoverable kid in the world. And then Ila didn't even think of vitamin. Yeah, she was fucking out. Yeah. Her deuces bitch. Yeah. The, uh, and so then I got to this, uh, shoot today and they had a beer and I was like, yeah, fuck it. Fuck it. I have no idea how, um, those kids will turn out.

Do you know, they're so young, uh, but LLS, I feel like it's going to give me a lot of problems. LLS is going to, LLS is going to be, I think I see like L being a part the parts of you but with but with I With just the fucking hell raising part just the oh I kill a dog Yeah, if it's like my brother, I fucking murder it He yeah, he's He's doing this thing now I go I love you so much and he goes that's great He's doing this thing now. I go. I love you so much and he goes, that's great.

I wonder if Ellen, Eilis would connect. Yeah. Ellen, Eilis, Eilis, might fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. Probably. So, have you started the hard push for your special, for your promotion?

Hard push starts. No. Hard push starts. I don't know. I have press next week. It picked. Yeah, but most of the big press I have is after, like a week or two after.

Yeah, I kind of like was, I did it all myself. We got after I do both there. I looked there and. I'm not doing any of that. I looked at like what I thought served people well. So I think Nikki did press better than probably anyone. Nikki and Whitney were the two people that really killed it this year. In press?

In press, in my opinion. How so? Um, I mean, this is just very shallow. And I'm giving you all the tricks to my trade if you're listening. But like, yeah, I follow Google trends. I look at Google trends and I look to see when people's specials drop, how they spike. Right? I look at Google trends and I look to see when people's specials drop how they spike, right? I see that Nikki had just Nikki, Allie Wong's,

Eliza, the women just murdered it. Now there is a little bit of an outlier in this in that I just named for absolutely gorgeous women. So a lot of guys here in Monopodcast go on, I wanna see what they look like. So they Google them and they Google and they flip through a ton of pictures. So it's a little bit of an outlier.

However, tits and then leg. By the way, I'm guilty of that. I'm like fucking definitely Googled those exact same women and just been like, God, fucking lies are beautiful. Liza looks great in that new Mark Mark World movie. She fucking murdered it.

Like I just watched the beginning of it. She's got a legit Boston accent, like a legit Boston accent. It's talented, she's got an awesome. Anyway, I follow it. Like I just watched the beginning of it. She's got a legit Boston accent, like a legit Boston accent. It's talented, she's got an awesome. Anyway, I follow that and then I kind of looked and saw what they did and what popped from me. So like I hired a publicist last time and it was like $6,000. It was so much money that I was just like, I didn't feel like they really bought anything

to the table. We did a late night with Carson Daly and I was like, yeah, I don't watch like they really bought anything to the table. We did a late night with Carson Daly. And I was like, yeah. I don't watch that, right? Like, I don't watch that. I don't think you watch that. Like, I did it this way. I know what I did.

And I did this show. I did Rogan. So you hit those people up. I just hit all my friends and said, hey, I do your podcast. And then I reached out to like, do you just see me, or like the things I like, you know? And I was like, I'm just gonna stay in my lane.

I don't wanna go too far out of my lane, cause I know sometimes when you go too far to your lane and you have some edgy jokes that, I wouldn't say I have edgy jokes, but I have some jokes that if you're not a fan, they're gonna fucking upset you. Sure. Yeah.

So, like, you mean like if you were to do like, daytime talk shows? Yeah, and they're like, so mean like if you were to do like daytime talk shows? Yeah, and they're like, so tell us about your experience in Starbucks and I'm like, I don't think that's good for this audience. I'm being pitched to some of the big ones right now and I have that same thing. I'm like, I feel like I'm gonna sit down

and they're gonna go, you're calling Bert racist. How about this? Yeah. Well, no, it's like, here's a perfect example, right? So like, I know for a fact that like our inside jokes with our fans, we get that. Right. A publicist don't get it.

Hell no. They don't get it. They don't understand what this is. They also, a lot of those people, if you were to go outside of the kind of lane, yeah, you transcribe a joke of yours, like that's going to go south real quick. You feel your wife to cough into a wall. Yeah. Oh, like I told that on a podcast the other day, like is a liberal podcast.

And they were like, it's pretty misogynistic. Yeah. And I was like, ah, yeah, it's a joke. Yeah. And then I was like, you think that, yeah, it's a joke. Yeah, and then I was like, do you think that's bad? I wish Alexa had a flashlight attachment so I could shut her up the way I want to. And they were like, huh? I was like with my dick in her mouth. Like, is that misogynistic?

Yeah. And then once you do it to me, I lean into it. So I don't want to, like, I don't want to put myself up for scrutiny, because I think that is the mistake some people make. Yeah. It's like, I watch Norm, you know, and it's like, look, you know, the way we talk, like, fucking people bring up Ari.

Me and you can talk like this about Ari, those people, everyone listening, knows that we know Ari, we love Ari, we've known for a long time. We can kind of shit on him and pick him apart, but we're friends with him, we still talk to him, we still talk to him, we still talk to him, we're fine. But you go on a no-show and they're like, I like, I didn't do, we still talk to them, we're fine, but you go on another show

and they're like, I kind of did it to D's of Samira, I was afraid they were gonna be like, so tell somebody your boy Ari. Oh yeah. And then in that forum, you are fucked. Cause if you defend him at all. How hard would you have trashed him? On that show.

If they'd been like, hey man, real quick, your boy Ari, you've been like, fuck, that dude boy art you've been like fuck that dude Just texting or going just heads up If like they someone hit me up. They're just eyeballing you like so what happened there? And you'd be like these guys are piece of shit is rap So yeah, so. And I gotta be honest with you, I love doing Conan, but I don't know if I enjoy doing a lot of late night shows

because I'm not good in that, that everything I do, so why do you take your shirt off? And you're like, I don't know, man, I don't really have an answer. I know that that's why media works now. I don't have that answer anymore. Does you kinda part of me every time I book one of these, I go like, I'm't really have an answer. I know that that's why media works now. I don't have that answer anymore. Don't you kinda part of me every time I book one of these, I go like, I'm gonna burn stuff. You know what I mean?

I've regretted almost everything that I hadn't recorded for myself using on a shove. And like, oh man. Conan. I mean, I love Conan. I love Conan. I love doing Conan. But you go in and you want to perform well.

So I did part of the period party joke that's on this special. Obviously, you know, but you go in and you want to perform well. So I did part of the period party joke that's on this special. Obviously, once you do, for Conan, you can only do like two minutes of it. It's an nine minute joke, but man, it went fucking viral. And then I'm sitting here going like, do I even tell it? Or do I just burn a joke that I didn't even exercise?

Yeah, same. That's what's crazy about the internet is like, going back to that coffin of the wall joke that will go gets meamed, you go, then you start going like, fuck man, like how do you, I shouldn't even put out my trailer. Right. I should've just let you see that on the thing

and then, because there will be people that see that and go, oh, that's a meme. I saw that last week, not realizing, oh, he taped us to November, I didn't see that last week. Wait, do you, by the way, do you have the footage up now? What? You in New York, can you make a bigger? I look great, I look great there.

Wait a minute. There we go, I look great, I look great there too. What do you think of these kicks though? You can't make it bigger. What do you think of those kicks? I can't really see from here. Rose, gold, Nike, Nike Air Force ones. Nice, let's see

It is crazy that the late night space is now just taking you burn your material. Yeah for us. Yeah, it really doesn't benefit you I mean Kind of does I guess right if you kill it on there, but it's like I mean like I don't I remember when I did even I'll speak in our doing his't, I don't know. I remember when I did even, I was speaking to Art, I'm doing his show. And, yeah, I look great. Oh, look at the fold in my bottom of my belly. Yeah, you know, we all see it. My face looks the same. My arm looks better.

But also, your arm is up and that usually makes a stomach smaller. You know? And- Oh no, no, no, I was pushing out. That's a joke I have where I was like, whoa, it hither like that, I'm used to that. I'm like, hey.

Hey. Oh man. That's only like three months apart. Yeah, I fluctuate. Did you just fucking cough? It's an airborne illness. Oh yeah?, yeah, okay. That's how it's gonna. That's how you'll get it It's not by touching your face. You can but I'm saying it's in the air. I touch my face Aggressively. Yeah Yeah, it is crazy like like on this podcast we can have ideas. I burn material in this podcast

Yeah, no, no, where I go where go where I say it and then it's funny and then I go, well, fuck, I should've used that on stage. Well, no, because sometimes it prompts you to take it to stage. That happens. Oh, yeah, the fucking big black dude dick with the push set. That's what, that's a great fucking, ever murder is really hard now. Because I think people, it's funny because I'll say,

my wife's friends with Tom's wife is she sent her a text and people will go oh Shit, and then I've added enough that's different where people still get a brand new laugh. Yeah, yeah, that's cool That's good. I mean that you're the first person to tell me there You were like I was going to do Conan you're like I would not bring your a game And I said what you go I know you have a brand new hour and you're working shit out. You're like, don't go in with the shit you love because you'll burn it and you'll fucking regret it. Yeah. And I was like, God damn it. Well, you know, like you, a lot of what I do are stories.

Yeah. And like even when I did Ari's show, I had a good time doing it. His story tell, you know, this is not happening, but I'd never told that OD story before, and then it went on there, you know, I got millions of views, I was like, oh, that's done. Flying Dildos. So you just-

You're flying Dildos on there? And you're like, no, it's done. You're like, it's done. That's the part. But I guess, you know, there's kind of a balance to it, but I think once you kind of have a fan base, like you do, for the most part, you go like, oh, I just wanna keep all these things

for what I do. You know? Yeah, it's weird. Can I tell you where my head's at now? Hmm. I'm thinking that what Andrew Schultz is doing, where he literally just records everything and just puts everything out.

I don't know how that'll work. I don't know how that'll work with a special meaning, like I know he's filming a special, or he's shot a special. I think he's releasing it through another platform. Yeah, but I think he's filming a special, he's shot a special. I think he's releasing it through another platform. Yeah, but I think he's doing it through Amazon. Right, I actually thought, I mean, this is just like thinking about it. By the way, he didn't tell me that I'm just guessing off of it.

Yeah, yeah. I actually was like, man, I wonder if what he has built, it makes more sense to actually put it there on his YouTube channel. Yeah, part of me feels like that's a bigger pop. Also, I feel like what he's doing, it seems like he's doing almost every day he's releasing, if it's not crowd work, it's a bit. Content, yeah.

Part of me thinks, and not to say I thought of this, but like I remember when I didn't think I was gonna do my last Netflix special secret time, and I didn't know what I was gonna do. I was like, and I was, I found I was getting a pop online on Instagram. I was like, what if you just did a special every four months or every three months or every two months

and you released 10 minutes or 15 minutes and you could really milk the 15 minutes? I think it's actually, I think what he's doing is a fantastic way to cultivate and build and have a direct fan-based relationship. I mean, especially since it's working, man, I would lean into that so hard. I think in which he's doing it.

I would love to go back in time. I would love to be his age and doing it. Doing that? Oh, yeah. Instead of just what I did where I leaned into the road. Yeah. I mean, there's two different, it's like nine different ways to skin a cat.

But, you know, my thing was, and I remember talking to your wife about this, I was like, you go do the road, you build a fan base that way, you build your fan base into moan, and then next week, time you go in, more and more people, it never fucking happened. It never turned out that would never happened. Actually, I would say it actually hurt me, but I got, became a better comic. Yeah. And no one saw me fail. And I got to, I got to do the machine story for four years before anyone saw it.

Yeah. But I think what Andrew's doing is really brilliant because you've just put content out. I think you put content out and people are eating it up. Think about what's going on with the coronavirus. Why not go hit up local clubs be recording your shit, know you're safe. Yeah. Guys, we got his coronavirus test right outside the ha ha. I'm doing my, I'm doing 10 minutes.

Yeah. Every week we get a brand new 10 minutes and everyone's old up in a house. Jeff Tate, who we both know is doing a thing where he records his shows and releases them like on audio. So you can download a set that he did, you know, an hour at the whatever, Cincinnati, Funnybone or Go bananas. And then goes on the road. And a few months later, we'll recent other show. He's like, is he right now? Is he, is all, is all new original material?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like he does a lot of great fucking stand up. He's a great stand up. He's a great fucking stand up. But it's more to that point of like, of saying like, well, I'm just gonna put, it's kind of like Joe's theory on podcasting. I remember like when this was more building, he was already ahead of everybody. You know, some of these, some of the big, other big podcasts that are, some of them, no one talks about anymore I had to do the paywall to listen. Yeah. And I remember Joe emphatically and just kept telling because we would all talk about it.

He was like, do not do a paywall. And it's like, why? He goes just blast. He's like, look what I do. I just like put this shit everywhere. Dude, it was the, I remember how many times have I... I mean, you know, it's gonna fucking happen. I'll be in my deathbed one time and I go, you know, I listen to Joe on everything, except for the quitting drinking. Joe's been such a great, like, he said, it's a fucking

helping my life. Start a podcast, double down on the podcast, do more podcasts, get on the road, stay on the road, go to theaters, ask for more money. Quit drinking, I was like hold on, pump your brakes buddy. You've been hitting a thousand until there. Yeah. I can only trust you nine out of 10 times. You went, what about this? Okay, this is probably, I never mind. But like, what if I just, what if I just,

the thing I, like, okay, what if I leaned into it this way, the thing I like is writing material. Yeah. That's what I love. I love this. I have a joke right now about finding a child. And I don't have an end of the story. I can't find the end of the story.

I remember I saw you working out. Yeah, and it's doing so well, except for the end fucking teeters. It just goes forward. It is nothing to me, because I have, not the same, I also have a thing about finding a try. I have a story right now that has like excites me to tell and doesn't go anywhere and it is the most depressing feeling.

It's like so bad. And that's the end of it everybody. Oh, especially when they're all like, I cannot wait for this turn that you definitely have coming up and you're like, so, ugh. Yeah. And you see them go like, is he done?

And you're like, I never got around the right in the end. I didn't figure out the end of it. What do you guys think? I'm like, that needs an end. Yeah, you're like, okay. But when you find the end, not even when you find the end, it's when you find the thing that will help you find the end. Yeah. Like I always say this, like when I was the Columbus funny bone,

and I didn't have an end to the machine story, and I said, in the middle of that story, there was the teacher this, he's by the booze interface. I'd always then go, she was Puerto Rican, she was. I don't know why I included that. It was like old hacky comic thing. She was Puerto Rican, clearly didn't know anything about Puerto Rican. Like it was like dumb fucking Joe. Yeah

And then at one night I just was like don't say that it's so stupid and then I was like and then he just looked at me He goes fuck that bitch. This is Russia. Okay What do you know who Rocco? So Freddy is yes Hold on do not start me on Rocco so, do not start me on Rocco's a Freddy. Do not start me on Rocco's a Freddy. He's a, I heard him tell the story twice. Oh my God.

He's a, we are pivoting right now in this podcast. I'm pivoting hard. Talk about Rocco's a Freddy all fucking. Oh, he's a legend, he's the greatest. But he, he tells a story, he said that, that he was, I guess, shooting scenes and, I mean, yeah, doing work. And these Russians came over. There's a CrossFit class.

The Russians came over and he was going to work with them, right? So like Russian performers, the males, especially, right? So the guys came and he's like, the way Russian performers are famous for the old blindfold switcheroo. Oh really? I've seen a lot of the teen Russian or older older her. I Say I say like older team. Yeah, yeah, I was like the fucking skinny white dude like up there 16 17. Yeah, they just there they're they're like skinny dudes with big decks Yeah, and they And they always do the old blindfold. It's not born up blindfold.

And then put it blindfold on, huh? Okay, all right, you're like, they're like, hey, hey, better capo, no, better capo, no, sorry. Barrio, Barrio. Sorry, that's bad news. So, cause you were saying you think that like,

we have too strict of like childhood. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop? They're like, we just found Kitty porn. And I was like, are you fucking serious? My wife and her friend, the guy wasn't there, we were helping him move, he was out of town. And I was like, are you fucking serious? And they're like, no, he has Kitty porn. And I was like, I gotta call the cops. You gotta call the cops.

And she's like, I'm dating him. I'm fucking dating him. Where did they find that on his computer? No, they found it. And they showed me it's a magazine it's called Barely Legal and I was like, oh guys, that's like, and then I was like, and then I was like, it is, and I was like, you're right it is, fuck him.

I was like, Barely Legal is a selling point that brings like 18 in a day. All right, so this is the Racco thing. So he said, he's told the story, I saw him tell the story twice, that he's like, the story, I saw him tell the story twice. He's like, the Russians, they came over and we are, should think of seen, and the men come from Russia. And I say, action.

And right away, the men slap the girl, punch right in the stomach, spit her face. And I was like, whoa, whoa, cut. He's like, what are you doing? And they go, we watch your movies. This is how you do it. And he's like, no. But do you imagine that they're like,

watching the stuff in the girls? Like, what the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Action. Oh. Oh. Oh. Like, what are you doing? I Action Like my work and then he said the best isn't there like we watch your movies This is what you do. He's like this is how I know I failed If this is what you take from my movies, you're not getting it right, you know There's like he said like the aggression is not it's not just come out and punch someone.

It's stomach. He's like, there's like, what? Did he do it? You're not like, I said you're like, I got to connect. And there's a given, you know, a pool to like being aggressive, but it's not just come out and knock somebody out. Steve out. The Russians are like, just fuck them up, right?

Right. The Russians are like just fucking up right? Whoo coronavirus I mean Rock as the Predis did Did one one night in Paris with Samson so they had a Samson Have you seen this? No, okay don't think so. This is one of my favorite films. Adolfo's about that. And I have, I brought this up at a dinner party one time and the

him was like, hey, no one is like in the point of view. And I was like, no, a lot of guys are. He's like, no, I think you freak some people out. Yeah. So Savannah Samson goes on, by the way, I can't believe that you, that like people haven't heard this. This is one of those, I think is a really interesting story. Pull up Savannah Samson goes on, by the way, I can't believe that you, that like people haven't heard this. This is one of those, I think it's a really interesting story. Pull up Savannah Samson.

Me and you did a show with her one time. We did? Yeah. Remember we used to do those porn star shows in Irvine? They do, oh yeah. Yeah. Savannah Samson was on stage. She showed me her pussy on stage.

How was it? It was beautiful. I mean, she was gorgeous. She's gorgeous. She was gorgeous. She has a winery. Anyway, she goes on, she worked with scores. She goes on Howard Stern. And by the way, if I'm fucking this story up, I don't care. It's better this way. She goes on Howard Stern and says, one of my, she's with her husband. One of my dreams is to have sex with Rocker Supredys and turns like, oh, we know him. Like, we can set that up. She's like, I would love her husband.

And it's like, yeah, I think, you know, she wants to get into porn. Is that her next step? I think it's a good financial decision. We went open a vineyard. It's a great way to get the money to get open a vineyard. Let her go to, let her have sex with Rocker Supredys. Rocker Supredys is like, all right, fly out to Paris.

I think it's Paris. He goes fly out to Paris and I'll do a porn. I'll do your favor. I'll do you a favor. Right. So I've seen this porn. He is him, Savannah Samson and another girl. Now the other girl is like, like if he's a marine corporal and she's coming to boot camp,

the other girl's like, I just got through boot camp, I still don't love it, but I can help you get through this. So, it looks like a tip right there, right? Savannah, it probably. Rock go with Savannah, yeah. And so, there's another girl there. So they start with oral sex. And it is a great, it's clear. Savannah Samson's never had oral sex and it is a

Greta it's clear Savannah Samson's never had oral sex like this. Oh, yeah, it's oh yeah He's doing like doing tonsil exams. He's gonna send you back a different way than you arrived It's to the point where I'm watching it and I catch myself going And like and like wiping my mouth and swallowing like one One okay, okay, we're like almost going like I'm done. I'm done Yeah, yeah, I'm ghost sucking his dick. You're watching the documentary his documentary on Netflix No, yes, I think I did one of my favorite parts of that is they finally interview his wife And they're like I mean you're married to this fucking guy and she was like, well, I can't do the things

that some of these girls do. Was this the point that starts with him in the shower? Yes, yes, it's just a documentary. Oh, it's a documentary, yeah. It's a point for me. I jerked off twice. His cock is awesome. Anyway, back to the Sanis anthem.

Savannah Samson is now, I mean, this, the one girl's holding her throat, Rocco's got her ponytail. He's got her head so she can't get out of it. Like, it's almost like, back into a corner. It's her head's on a couch and he's just going as deep as he can into her throat and you can see in her eyes, her eyes aren't like, oh, this is awesome, her eyes are like,

what the fuck did I say in the four? Holy shit, oh god, this is the Marine Corps. Just like, Joe said you wanted to do a movie. Oh, no, you're like pretty digging, mow-waw. And then, and then the blowjob stops for a second, right? And you can see her like, she's like, is there an exit? She's like, oh, honey, it goes, all right, let's have sex. And me and her met eyes through the screen.

And we both said to each other through our eyes. We haven't even fucked him yet. Yeah. Like, this is gonna be a long night. Like, oh my God, if he did that to my throat, imagine what's about to happen to my pussy. And it's also gonna happen to my, I guarantee that this happens to my asshole.

Yeah, he does not. I'm gonna need to take a couple of spa days before I get back on a plane. Yeah, yeah. And he needs the asshole. For him, for him, like a pussy is like a hand job. He's like, all right, this is a nice way to get started, but you're turning over and you're giving me your asshole.

Moco's so pretty, that poor, I couldn't watch the whole thing. I got, like, at one point I saw the pro, the girl that his pro, like, I saw her tap out. And I was like, oh my God, this is what the pros about to do, Savannah, I wanna hold your hand. I've seen so many where the girls like, not in my house and he's like, he's okay. And they're like, no, no.

And he's like, he's okay, he's okay. And like, he just walks them into it. And then they're like, you see the, the, the, the, the fear scared face, looking over the shoulder. And he's like, he he's nice and he just gets them to do it man It's it's that his did you ever see the one when we put the girls face in the toilet? He's done that a bunch, but yeah I've seen a few of them. I mean if my wife I

Have seen the ones where he steps on their neck What the fuck? Like, well, he claims that it's the devil inside of him. Is that what is, yeah, when they're like, Hey man, you're doing a hard core porn and you're like 57 or what's up? He's like, is the devil, the devil is inside of me. Is the devil inside of me?

Yeah, he's in, how old is he? Because this guy, he's still doing. He dodged to me. And that was it. That's the dead, inside of me. Yeah, he's in, how old is he? Cause this guy, he's still doing. He dodged me too. I think in his line of work, he's 55. They have beautiful. Well, people also search for Donald Trump. No, Danny D. Oh, sorry.

Johnny Sins and Charles Dera. Dude. I mean, it's so beautiful. Donald Trump no Danny D. Oh sorry Johnny Sins and Charles Dera Dude, I mean it's so funny. I I Can't jerk off to Rocker so Freddy's porn because I get so distra I want to help them I go like no, let's get out of here. Let's get the fuck out of here It's like jerking off the frozen. Yeah, not frozen. Well, whatever you know I don't know like you just and anyway, who fucking cares? I Can't you like that moment like when the girl like you can tell it's it's a girl's like first and she's like

I'm gonna fuck brako and then she's like when his pants come off and she's like oh shit Like she look you can see that in her eyes. She's like that's gonna be inside of me You can tell there is register in videos something there's something that I That I enjoy and porn that I'm buzzed and I'm sure I'm gonna regret saying yeah, it's the same look Like I didn't love when evil can evil would talk brave to the To the camera do the sports interview and be be like, yeah, we got this. It's 20, I liked the look right before he hit the ramp. He could see in his eyes, like,

am I gonna fucking be able to do this? Yeah. Like, that's why I like back room casting couch. Yeah. Because you could see in their eyes, like, when he'd be like, and now I need to fucking the ass, and they'd be like, huh?

Yeah. Like that look. Like the, you know what it is? It's taking the Performer out of the point I could know right I could not connect with porn performers right girls We're like I'll suck this suck this pussy like this Teddy No, you want the fuck this pussy. I'm like no no no no no no no no no no no no no one talks like that Right no one does it like that you like more amateur real stuff like real stuff like this stuff like where liangas

What are you doing and you're like I thought we'd try it you know like like Like the shit that turns you on were I don't know if I told you this but like I tell you about the time we went to the strip club on tour and Oh Overseas no no right here. Oh, we were in Fuck I wish I could give this place a shout out. It was a fun place. They were really cool in LA It was in Muncie, Muncie, Indiana. Okay. And so you said this is the best strip club in the world.

It's not. No. Recently you're like the best strip club I've been to was in and it was like some smaller town. No, that was I think it was Christie's in Cleveland is one of the best ones. You did not, that's not the one you mentioned. Is this the one where the girl was getting off work?

Did I tell you that one? Don't remember this. Okay, I was just telling the story and it's talking.. I just tell the story stock. Okay, we've heard it So we go to the strip club we get done the tour and my tour bus driver Ron has been called us Not such complimentary names because we don't want to go strip clubs every night Right, and so then finally I go to the work start with an F and starts with an F and a Q and so yeah, so we an H and a, and a, yeah. And so I'll tell you that one later.

So he, so I go fuck it. Let's take Ron to a strip club. So I pull out like maybe like a thousand bucks or something. I think you better break everyone off, I go, let's have fun. Everyone have a good time, get a table, whatever you want. So I get there and they're like, do a lap dance.

I kind of stopped getting lap dances just because I was, uh, it just was, the last one I got was creepy. And I was like, I don't feel like, but I go, no, I'm good. And then one of the, I just want to back up that the sentence was, I've kind of stopped getting. I'm not going to stop now. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Okay. It's like, there was a period where I put the brakes on it and then I was like, no, it's happened. All right. It's gonna happen. Okay. It's like, I just don't go to strip clubs much, but I still go to them. Right. and then I was like, no, it's happened. It's gonna happen. It's like, I just don't go to strip clubs much, but I still go to them. So, the girl, I'm with the owner of the manager and he's like, you sure you don't want to

laugh dance? And I was like, yeah, I'm sure. And this girl comes up and she's like, oh my God, the machine. And I was like, I was up, she's in like a winter coat, like fucking a beanie on gloves on. And she goes, what are you doing here? And I said, I'll be hanging out with you Just got done a show. She was like God. I wish I had known you were coming in. I wouldn't a clocked out

I just clocked out and I said oh that's too bad. I said well here. How much is the lap dance and they take 20 bucks I go here's 20 bucks tell everyone you got a lap dance for me. She goes oh That's I wish I had given you a lap dance. I would love to give you a lap dance It's like my favorite comic and I was like actually I Go I've had a bit about this have a lap chance. I would love to give you a lap chance. You're like my favorite comment. And I was like, actually, I go, I've had a bit about this. I have a bus outside. And I've wanted to do this forever. Because I used to have a bit about going into strip clubs. It wasn't a bit.

It never really worked. It's just no one really got it. What I was trying to say. You fucking knock him out. You tie him up. Rocko, you like? The bit was that I go, you didn't, when you go to strip club, they're so almost naked

that it almost happens too quick. Whereas when you have sex with a woman, taking her clothes off is so much fun. Oh, right. And I was like, I wish there was a way they could, I wish they would have a strip club would make so much more money if they had girls in clothes they'd wear to a grocery store walking around. You know, your mind is fascinating. Really?

Yeah. This is a really good idea. Because like, you see a girl in the grocery store, you're like, God damn it, she's hot. Imagine if she then got naked for you. I mean, I don't know how you come up with it. Okay, keep going. So I tell her, I say, you know, actually, I used to have a bit about this, but I was about a girl fully clothed getting undressed.

I would, because that's more like what you're used to. So I'll tell you what, if you got the time, I'll take that lap dance from you, but you got to start from where you are right now with the winner coat and the hat and the gloves and the boots. She was like, I've never done that. I was like, exactly. Like, that's the funny part.

Like, I want to see that. Yeah. So we go to a very public booth, like oddly enough. Like, it was right by the front door. And she starts giving me a lap dance and she starts with her fucking gloves and she just starts to take her clothes off like a regular woman. And it opened up aside of her that was so funny

when she got embarrassed. And like she got to her top, she goes, oh my God, I'm wearing a sports bra. And I was like, okay, and she had like a belt, implant, interstomach, she had her belt on. And it was like, at one point, we were laughing so fucking hard, the two of us, this she ended up putting her clothes back on

and she goes, I can't do it. And fucking left, and I went, that's the vulnerability you want. That same vulnerability that I like and form, where you go, I don't want the false confidence. Oh my fucking cunt. Yeah, that false confidence makes me actually sad. Yeah, right, go, that's not you. And that's not who you are.

You're doing what the director told you to do. I agree. And you're biting your lip through it. And I can't enjoy that because I don't want it. I want to see someone really in control. Yeah. And enjoying it. The high production pornoes all have that

excessive performance. You know what I mean? Like if it actually looks like it could be released in a theater, then it always has crazy level. No, I'm gonna need this one open. You wanna take that one? I only had a sip. I heard you cough. Oh, yeah, that's true.

You were talking about high production values. Oh, I said that the high production value pornos always have that excessive performance, the stuff that's not real. You know what I mean? Like the ones that look amazing, like they're cinematic, always have that. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I hate that.

But then the ones that look like they're filmed on a phone are the ones that are like usually real, or at least, can be. Do you think that's because I fucked for the first time before porn's were popular? Or accessible at least? Then that's why you like that? Well, I like regular stuff.

Well, I don't like the high end like, I'm fucked this pussy. I'll fist my ass like. Well, I think that I don't think that has to do with when you had sex for, I mean, maybe it does. It's just, it's not real. So maybe, you know, maybe has to do with when you had sex for I mean maybe it does It's just it's not real so maybe you know Maybe for a guy that's never had sex. We didn't have a lot of sex He sees that and he's like that's what sex is yeah, and so they're drawn to that like the performance of it and like people you know

Acting that way, but yeah, I think if you've had Real sex you probably are more drawn to something that seems real. I don't know. I guess. I mean, it's just it's like Leanne's never Leanne's never been like I don't think she's ever said pussy in her life like you want this pussy Well, yeah, but who says that she says cooter? I kind of believe it I won't get this cooter. You always cooter. Hi. Hi.

Hey, big boy. You always cooter. You always cooter. Let's go get it now. Come on, get it boy. Come on, get it boy. Go play. No, there you go.

You know what? I would believe it. What does she call her vagina? I had a girl that called it, like how to definitely word for it. Oh yeah, I dated a girl that called her as the henbird. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Oh. Mmm. Oh

And we both agree that was the only time you're allowed to say it Did you nicknamed your dick when you were a kid John Henry? What is there were like seventh grade and everyone was given their dick's nick names all the eighth graders were and I was in seventh grade We all play football. Yeah, and they're like what do you call yours Bert? And I didn't have a name but I heard that that you know Limerick of John Henry's a steel-driving man, and so I was, John Henry. And then they were like, oh, good name. And I was like, oh, fuck, thank God. Dude, there was a rumor. I was called an Ernie.

In my high school, like in my middle school, that I had an enormous dick. That's not true. From we went to a sleepover and everybody was measuring their dicks. You know? And so, I guess I measured for my asshole or something. And they go, Thomas, you're decking

you go 13 inches of that pack. I mean, you know, like you push against yourself. Where do you put it? Oh, you're asshole, right? Right, so. I'm just for, I don't know, I just, I don't remember exactly how I measured it But I remember we're all like we're all like right there with our dicks out and I'm like met everyone's got like

rulers or measuring tape and whatever I said oh yeah nine and Everybody was like what the fuck and then that that spread in school so then when I left that school that spread in school. So then when I left that school, because we moved, everybody, like everybody was like writing like, see later, nine or, and then. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Take care of my nuke bowl. Yeah. People signed like, made a book, you know, like the girls, and they were like, wish I could have seen it, and then like drew a huge dick.

Oh my God. And the whole time I'm like, damn, it does not look like that. That's a tough, like Pete Davidson got called out to having a big dick. And Pete, I don't know if he has a big dick or not, I don't know anything about his dick. I've heard, yeah, yeah, I've heard of it.

I've heard of it. I've heard of it. But imagine if he just had a regular dick. It's the worst thing. And then, do I saw him at the next game He's a big dude. He's like fucking six four something. He's like a Tommy Lee's a tall-lanky guy Yeah, he's got big hands, too. Yeah, I told him a yeah, he's I pizza very sweet guy. Mm-hmm. He's I told him I said come out to LA man do my podcast do Tommy's podcast to all the podcasts and he's like

Really? I was like he's like so innocent. He's like Tom. I thought Tom hated me. I was like what I was like Tom fucking like everyone loves you Everyone loves you Pete. You're a great guy. No, he did I've talked to him. We did we did um We did oddball together, you know a couple years ago. I think Pete probably I imagine if you're under that fucking much scrutiny You started believing you start thinking people Especially if you're like a legit stand-up, but he's like a legit stand-up just a stand-up with that fucking much scrutiny. You start believing, you start thinking people, especially if you're like a legit standup, but he's like a legit standup just to stand up. I know the fame stuff has blown him up

and it's given him a insane different career of like, by the way, his movie Big Time Adolescence looks fucking awesome. To the one with Burr? No, his movie Big Time Adolescence looks fucking awesome. Cause I heard the one with Burr's fantastic. That's the rumor in like industry circles. I bet it fucking awesome. Cause I heard the one with Burr's fantastic. That's the rumor in like industry circles. I bet it fucking is.

Yeah. Big time adolescence. I told him that. Is he a star of that? Yeah. What is that? It's the greatest fucking premise. He plays, um, God damn it, I'm blessed.

He plays, he, him and his girlfriend break up, right? Yeah. But he had formed a relationship with her little brother and her and him and her little brother remain close. So he hangs out with her little brother and he gets them high, he gets them to sell weed, he gets them to tattoo. And he's just in corporate, there's a machine gun Kelly's in it, I think.

I think so, I can't really tell if he's not a stage. Who he is. But machine gun Kelly's in it. I'm like, how you're like this guy's in a movie, I don't know, I think so I can't really tell if he's not a stage. But machine gun Kelly's in. I'm like, how you're like this guy's in a movie? I don't know, I think he is. He looks like a blonde tall dude. Machine gun Kelly and it's looks just fun. Like a fun, like a little more thoughtful than super bad.

But and with hints of movie. I love that movie. Hints of say anything because it's thoughtful. Do you see of movie. I love that movie. Hints of say anything, because it's got, it's thoughtful. It's thoughtful. Do you see the movie? I saw the trailer. So I tried. He said he could get me the fucking,

I should text him and say, I want the fucking trolled the movie. Pete is somebody who has over the last few years given me three different phone numbers for him. Like when I see him, he'll be like, oh yeah, you gotta get my new number. Should we call him and see if we've got the same number? I'm sure we have different numbers. All right, let me see your number I probably started by the way, I bet he's so private he does not want people to call him on the middle of a podcast

I mean here's a couple that I have whoa, okay, I saw him last week. This is Nope different number different number yep last week. This is... Nope. Different number. Different number. Yep. Yep, I bet these are both. I bet they're all burner phones. I bet he gave me a burner phone too. He was like,

Amen. Were you again? Oh, yeah, yeah. Take this one down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, guys, take this shirt off. Aw, cool, man. Yeah, can you hook me up with Tommy?

The, uh, but yeah, big time in the lesson, it looks good. Yeah, great. Imagine being that fucking. Now, aren't you glad though, when you look back that that didn't happen to you? I am. Like that would have been.

When George was born, right before she was born, I did last-come-extending too. And I got all the way to like the finals, or semi-finals or something. And I didn't make it obviously. And I was so angry that I had ruined my career that it wasn't happening for me Ben That if it didn't happen then it was never gonna happen and I miss my I missed my window. Yeah, but she was born You saw this I bought her a duck. I saw this duck

I bought her a duck and I was paying for the duck. I saw I'll get Georgia. I was she wasn't born yet I said I'll get my daughter a present and I'll always remember the duck. I saw it, I'll get Georgia. I was, she wasn't born yet. I saw it get my daughter, a present, and I'll always remember this moment and go, and Jim Norton goes, Hey man, I'm sorry about you not getting the next level. I think Jordan, Jim Norton and gotten, they ended up not, he couldn't do it because he had to deal somewhere else.

And he goes, sorry about you not getting the next level, but hey man, you can grasp on the kid and I looked at this duck and I go, in my head I was like, oh fuck my kid, Jesus Christ, I have no fucking career, I can't pay for this fucking kid. I still see that dog and I go, that was the greatest moment, because had I gotten all that scum I was saying, you know how hacky I was, especially then, like I, you know how hacky I am now, you know how hacky I was then where it was just anything like, who's a blind guy, why is that so? You know, like, fucking. You think it would have been a disaster?

Oh, it would have been a disaster. I would be nowhere. I learned so much through failure of spending 10 years on the road with no one coming to my shows and getting angry at audiences going, then fuck you, I'll do it my way. And by the way, having friends like you and Joe, like, I always say this.

I hate to talk great about jokes. I feel like all anyone does talk great about Joe and then it just makes it seem like culture personality. Like, him's making me tell the machine story on stage and going like, this guy has to tell the story on stage, changed my fucking career, changed how I wrote material, it changed everything. It allowed me to be comfortable and failure, which I was not. You know me.

I was not. I was like murder murder murder murder always No, I mean you I've told people I was like man. I I don't know if I've ever seen somebody Kill the way like when I used to go on the road with you. I was like Jesus Christ man. It was a low brow shit No, you were well, I don't I mean I don't even I don't look back on it. I think it's what we I don't think I look back on it as bad stuff. I just remember you just fucking destroying places. Wouldn't it be great if we had had video recorders then and we had recorded all that shit?

All those car rides? I told a story about the other day. Someone was like, it was a bar stool and they were like, hey, if you could do, if you could get stats on things in your life, what would your stats be? What would you want to know stats on? I said, how many times I burp? Do you remember the time we were in the car and you said to me, go, Hey, how many times you think you've been you've burped this last like 10 minutes?

And I went, I don't think I have you go 20 times. You've been you burped 20 times and I went for real and then I burped again I went, oh my god, I am burping you're like yeah What did you just eat like you're burping non-stop? Yeah, and I was like oh no one room having hard burn yeah, and then I was like you do it all the time. I do it. No, I did it I go in the car and then the next week you're like guess what I went to the doctor and they said it's not normal Remember telling you me times I shit my pants you're like hey people should their pants that much now Now then you like it turns out I have like acid reflux And I was like get where's you clue didn't do it

I was like as you said something if you I didn't even know I burped and you were like you burp a lot a lot Me you and imbag those were some of the funnest fucking nights when we were when we go to braya Yes, god and how much of a were some of the funnest fucking nights when we were, when we go to Brea. Yes. God. And how much of a nightmare is it going up after him? The, when we did, we did the South African Festival together, right? And what's great about Im? And there's gonna come off kind of sideways, but he's a little bit of a cunt too. So like if he doesn't like someone, he's very comfortable letting him know,

oh I don't like you. Yeah,, yeah. I love that about him. I had so many people when I was on the road that I would that I would meet and they were like open for Ian. That was the greatest feeling. And I was like, oh, what happened? They're like, he kind of put me in my place. I was like, I would love it. I got to tell me about it. He kind of put me in my place. I would love it. I go tell me about it. Oh. And they're like, I showed up with like, you know,

my suitcase of merch and he was like, wrap it up. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Yeah, someone, get up and do radio and you can sell merch. You know, join her. You all right.

I loved it. I loved it. I mean, he is somewhere I go. How come he is not more famous? He's such a fucking destroyer on stage. He is a nightmare to follow. He would say things... What was amazing to me, I remember one time, he would...

It was in one night, two different guys had trucks, two different shows. He used a different joke each show about the exact same truck. His crowd work is just, it's another level. I mean, speaking of, when we talk about like, we talk about Andrew Schultz, in bags should be doing what Andrew Schultz is doing. Agreed. Agreed.

Have a whole team follow him around. Yup, there's no crowd work like like Ian it really it really is I gotta say Andrew shows us some pretty fucking fantastic. No, I'm not even No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm always saying that because his crowd work sometimes is pretty fucking insightful Where you're like did you research? Fucking East Indians like how did you know yeah that about this arm sheath like you're like what the fuck Ambags is just so quick so quick and and he can also make it out of nothing like I've done shows with him where there's just a guy there you know there's

like eight people and I got one guy there's a dentist and he just starts fucking making it a thing where like at the end of the show he's tagged the guy up like 30 times all every dentistry refer like it's just it's hard to describe, but he just does, he makes magic with it. When we did South Africa, he's like, where there's, you know, in South Africa, there's obviously, it's this huge melting pot of, you know, different sex and cultures

and these people are from this part of town or this part of the country and they believe in this, they dress. You would see people like really differently dressed, right? I mean, we're in South Africa. And he goes, but he's like, those people die there, they're at Beard's Orange, because there's like guys with like orange beards.

And they're like, oh yeah, that's a religious thing. And he's like, I'm gonna talk about that. I'm gonna talk about that. And they're like, I wouldn't. And he's like, he's like, back, so he's like, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And then he was like, we're gonna talk about that, and they're like, I wouldn't. And he's like, he's like, back, so he's like, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. And he was like, we were like, oh shit, because some of the South African people were like,

I really wouldn't, that's not gonna go well, if you do that. And he was like, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll take my comedy advice from you because you've never done it before. Thank you. And then he would, so we would have an intermission. So be like one, like host, three comics, intermission,

three comics, I know you are going. And Ian would close out the first half, which was perfect because everyone was like, once they saw him, they were like, fuck that. Like we need intermission after him. So he went up there and he's doing his thing and you can see that he's like eyeballing the guy and you're like, we're like, he's definitely gonna

go for it. He's like, and look at Joe's heart. You look like I don't run, got to hang with your orange bear. I feel like I don't run, I don't run. And then he's like, he's like, what would make you do something like that? And he would just keep tagging the guy up about dipping his face into orange dye.

Dude, the place was falling apart. I mean, he was destroying so hard. And then he got off and then they were like, I mean, your way worked. Like, it was just amazing, dude. It was amazing. He was such a fucking great comic. We need to talk to him and say, you need to double down on your business and fucking be throwing up Instagram videos every single week of him doing crowd work.

His crowd work is so good. And by the way, it does not always work well. No. You've never heard the time that he got punched in the Richmond Fondaybone bathroom. Get off stage, guy follows him and he goes, and he ends up like, he's gonna be like, hey, great job.

I think I go, hey, wham! No. Yeah! Really? Oh, yeah. And he was like, oh, it was was like guys. I thought he was gonna say great show. Whoa. Oh No, I did not know that remember the time that I do remember the time This is one of my favorite crowd work stories ever ever ever ever. I know I've told this on the show I have when you called Lady of Cunt. No, okay, I

Don't know remember that, but it sounds right. What was amazing about the time you called Lady of Cunt, this was like a show with like 25 people at it. Somewhere in Northern California. Probably Sacramento. Probably Sacramento, and that you recovered, and I couldn't believe that. I couldn't believe because everybody was like, mm-hmm.

And then you were like, I got a laugh. You got the lady to laugh that you called a cunt. That's a skill I don't have. No, no, no. We're doing a show. Stop me if I told this story. We're doing a show in Brea, me, you and Adam Richmond,

not the guy from University of Food. Okay. And you come off stage and you go heads up, set guy in second row is saying he's blind. I don't think he's blind. And I go, okay. And you're like, just a heads up. I think he's faking it.

And I went, okay. So I get up on stage and I zone in on the guy. He's, it's so fucking bullshit. He's got glasses on. He's facing another way. He's facing another way. That's right, remember? Yeah, he's like, he's like there.

And you're like, shows over here, pal. I go over here, pal. And he goes, oh, sorry, I'm blind. And I go, and the way he said it, I went, no, you're not. And so I said, I said, I said something and I go, it takes glasses off. And his friends are dying, fucking laugh. Yeah, and also you're like, you think of you, these were your friends,

they point you towards the stage. Yeah, and that's when I go, I go, if you're friends, you think of you, these were your friends that point you towards the stage. Yeah, I go, I go, they're friends that spin you around. And he goes, he goes, hey man, next joke. And I go, hey, how hard is it to clear room for you, jerk off? And he was like, huh? I said, well, wait, hold on. Said, have you ever jerked off before? And he goes, no.

And I said, you've never, hold on, you never jerked off. I go now on bull, calm bull, show on that. And he goes, no, I don't know, man. I on, you've never jerked off. I go now on bullshitting on that. And he goes, no, I don't know, man. And I go, you've never jerked off blind. How, I said, how hard is it to clear a room before you jerk off? When you jerk off, it's gotta be scary to like, start jerking off and wonder if your friends

are in the back going, shh, don't down. And he goes, I don't know, man. And I go, well, how do you know, how do you know when you're done wiping your ass? Like, when you gotta look at it, right? What do you push it against the wall? And he goes, I don't know, man, I don't know man. I don't know and I go he's not fucking blind and his friends are dying Fucking laughing. I go fuck you and he goes you know what fuck you and he stands up and he goes to leave and his girl gets up

And he pops into so many tables. I'm like, okay, he definitely wants And then do you remember so And then do you remember so So he exits When I go look at his friends I go He's blind isn't he and they go oh yeah, he's definitely blind and I go what the fuck how can we know all these questions They go he got blind last weekend. Mm-hmm. Wait what? Nessa how it happened what happened you moved on and You you didn't hear that during the show because I remember that I told you.

Because you were like, what was up with that guy? And I was on it. And I was in the back of the showroom and I got to talk to people and then they told me they were like, no, no, no, he just became blind. So I got to tell you that and I got to see your face draw. I came off stage and I was I can't you right you're totally right Yeah, you totally right because I came off stage and you're like oh two things. Yeah, yeah number one Adam Ritzu and I had to get you fired He was like you guys want a violin complaint you should buy a little complaint. You're gonna buy a little complaint You should buy a little complaint and then you're like number two. You're gonna love this He's really blind and I go he just became blind and I go that's why he didn't You should buy a look of white and then you're like number two you're gonna love this

He's really blind and I go he just became blind. I go that's why he didn't know about Because he hasn't done it yet Since he's been blind Fuck and I was like did he file a complaint? You're like yeah, like oh he wrote it down He's like and you're like yeah, but I get him a napkin He filed a complaint, you're like, yeah, like he wrote it down. He's like, and you're like, yeah, but I get him on the napkin. I didn't nap at them. But it makes a better, you know, the truth to make it fucking funny. Yeah.

Oh my God. This has been a really fucking great episode. This was a lot of fun, man. Yeah. We're gonna do one of these next week for your special. I think we should. I think we should. Yeah.

We could definitely do this. I'm not done. I got a whole fucking beer here. You got three more. And my phone is blowing up. How fast can you drink that beer? Dare me. How fast can you drink? By the way, I don't know if,

is your mom's house here yet? No. Okay. The thing we talk about on your mom's house this week, that we're talking about doing March 17th. Yeah, I tried it yesterday. You tried it? A little bit, and it was really difficult.

It was? Very. Well, especially with alcohol involved. What'd you try to do at which one? Which one are you talking about? I don't know, now I'm confused. The one that Nikki Glazer does. Oh!

Yeah. You tried it for a day. I tried it for half a day. No good. It was really tough. It's not hard breakfast sandwiches make it easy. Do you just have those all day? Yeah.

Just these breakfast sandwiches for every fucking meal. Um, that's gonna be challenging. Do one of these next week for your special? I think so. Yeah. I like that they tether our specials together. Yeah, it's gonna be great. I think it's how people will find mine, see yours, see yours, find mine.

Absolutely. Dilea's is coming out when? Like a week or two later. A week or two later, Dilea's is gonna be fucking awesome. I was just wish she was fatter so they could tie the rest together. I know, he's definitely not. How big do you think his dick is? It's probably just healthy.

Like it's not, you know, I think it's plus sized, but I'm saying I bet it looks like a dildo. Like it looks like just like perfect. I could probably see it. He's got like fucking hands. Yeah. Yeah. How much money do you think he has tons? No kids, right? And now I mean, now he does. No kids for. I'm talking 10 years of money making. Right. Right.

And he had sitcoms before even his standup really blew up. He was a sitcom after sitcom. He's got to have a nice pile. I mean all my money after kids. That's great. What do you think? Yeah, I mean, it's better than making it and then having kids and not making money. Right and like yeah, but like Your money you're you're not gonna I mean you're gonna pay for college, but you didn't have to go Go to college. No Maybe out of goes to culinary school. I don't think she's going to college. No, I think so. Maybe out of goes the culinary school. I Don't think she's going to college and if she does, I'm showing up like Rodney Dangerfield. Hey, no class. I got no class Oh my god. You're gonna show up to a college campus with your daughter and they're gonna be Georgia. I said to Georgia. So for the

Fall to 2020 21 tour. Yeah, 2020 one tour. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah. I said to Georgia, put your fucking phone down. No, someone's just here. Hey, will you go let or no? Oh, do you have to know? Just someone. No, no, no, I guess I'll tell you in a minute. Am I going to see it? No, no, no, it's not like that.

It's not like that. What is it? It's just somebody here. Who is it? It's for a wardrobe thing. Go for it. Yeah. Um, so for fall 2021, I'm gonna take,

I'm gonna do a tour and I'm gonna do all my favorite college sounds that I would like to go to if I could go to college. Yeah, cool. Columbus, like all the fucking talent, like Florida State, South Carolina, fucking Dallas, SMU, all the colleges where I was like, that would be a cool ecology experience.

Yeah. And I'm gonna fly Georgia and her friends whatever friends she wants out on the bus And they're gonna hang with hang with us. I'm gonna hotel room But the travel from city to city in those places. Yeah, and go see college towns during the day That's great and I'm like and I want her to and then she already says she goes I want to go to community college that'll be this coming fall or the next fall not this fall this falls this tours Not any college sounds. I don't think. Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait for this fucking tour.

For the following. I hope the Hunan virus clears up soon, because I'm going to hang. Woohan. Woohan. WooTang. WooHan. Is it, what have I been calling it?

You said whoHan? Hunan. Hunan. Yeah. Um, he thinks there's some surprise. It's a Stanley Cup. Um, the, uh, no, I hope it clears up. I have an Asian tour planned. I'm gonna do it. Fuck it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I look, I don't know. Yeah. Theradily in there. Why don't you go there? I will. I love Italy. Northern Italy, do Iran, maybe South Korea, and then call it a rap. Yeah. Done, done, done.

Do the, it could be called like the machine is testing the machine. Yeah, testing the machine or infectious machine. A respirator. You can't take the machine down. You can't take the machine down. I love it. Yeah, I think it's not a bad idea. It's not a bad idea at all. Yeah. What, uh, when do you now steer tour for 2020? Um, oh, the 2020 tour, I, or no, for the rest of 2020, I would. You ended out the thing I said to you last week where I was like, you guys should do that. Yeah. For real? Yeah. Oh, I'm so excited. real? Yeah.

I'm so excited. Can I direct it? Sure. I'm announcing a tour in April for the remainder of 2020. And then I'm going to announce a 2021 tour in the fall. In the vault. Nice. Oh, so you've already planned 2021? Well, it's being set up. I would I would have holds because I'm but I'm not doing

what you're doing. You're you're touring heavily throughout this year. Yeah. So I take it like a little lighter and then I ramp it up at the end of the year. When are you in push going to do a tour together and get a tour bus? Have the boys on there with you when they're a little older. Oh, you mean once 19 months. I don't think he's not good on doorbell. I don't think so not this guy I can quickly leave him on the side. Oh my god, man. Oh White baby hit man You saw that

There's a whole white baby on the federal highway man. What's that from you didn't see that? No, dude Fucking am I do you have it? Okay, he'll pull it up. Put your headphones on. Oh, I thought you said iPhones. Yeah, this is pretty great This is real. This is real. Okay. Oh, yeah, you get to put it on that way. Yeah, lovely hat. Thank you very much Looks expensive. It's not at all really. Yeah, I had to rent hats for a photo shoot and they were like the at all. Really? Yeah, I had to rent hats for a photo shoot and they were like, the gormons will like let you borrow five hats, but it costs 33 bucks unless you buy one. I was like, I was just buy one. Yeah. That's a $33 hat. I don't know exactly. I wasn't paying attention to prices. Hey, guess what? What? I can barely hear you. I think you can turn the head. Turn the hats

up. Do you know that I got a text message like just a little while ago that I think we announced that it's going to be it's going to be cleared. It was officially cleared and they're going to be shipped soon. Those two bears one cave hats with new era. No fucking way. Yes, the one remember the ones that yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. So it got approved by MLB and NBA or whatever. So those are coming. Are you serious? Fitted hats. Fitted hats, yeah, with, but we can, we can, they gave us the license agreement to sell them.

We're gonna be millionaires. It's pretty exciting. That's fucking awesome. That hats dope. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. That's fucking awesome. Yep, so as soon as they come in, we'll announce it. It'll be fun. We should make a sweatshirt with those two logos. That's a good idea. Yeah. Shit.

Okay, take a look at this. While we out here, boy, on the fidget highway, boy, I just want to know, boy, this baby, anybody looking for a baby, though, it's a baby out here in the middle of the Lord, man. This baby, anybody that is looking for a baby though, it's a baby y'all here in the middle of the road, bro. I never seen no shit like this, bro. We on the Fidget, Highway, bro, it's a baby y'all here, bro, on everything in the middle of the road. A baby, bro.

In the middle of the fucking road, no pants on, no shoes on, bro, in the middle of the fucking road, no pants on, no shoes on, bruh, in the middle of the highway, bruh. We done called one time, bruh. This baby in the middle of the future, highway, bruh. Whole white baby, bruh. No, nothing on. And his parents still ain't showed up. Yeap.

I should have had that guy read my audio book Yep, it's those last two words blended into one. Yeah, that is fucking. I love his accent Yeah, I wish I could speak like that and not people not call me racist Yeah, anybody know this baby I'm breaking the baby in the middle of the house. This baby just out here. Just out here. I ain't never seen no shit like this before. Oh, this is it.

It's like him a fellow had to get a baby to die on jacket. Damn, baby. Hold baby. Hold baby. Is this kid on lean? It looks fucking drunk. I think my man just needed a nap and wandered outside. Wait, what the fuck?

I love these two guys that they rescued a child. I had to give them a jacket. This kid's like, hey man, fuck these two. They keep the kid for just like a couple of months. One time, pull it out of months. One time pulling up right now. One time. My pulley pulling up right now. Pulling. I know, but we've been out here about about 30 minutes. I know parent being my hand or my mother. Baby just out here. I hope we get to meet these white parents. We get to see one. And she's like, he been in a row.

What? He was in a row, man. We've been at about 30 minutes. This dumb woman, listen to her. What are you doing? Oh, she just got her baby back. She's straight up. What have you been doing?

Look at the white folks. Would it mocking white people he goes look he's my foot. Excuse me. Yeah You mean Yeah, excuse me. I need my baby. What do you even do? Look at the wife folks Excuse me Dude she saw her baby that's been missing from her house In a stranger's arms on a highway and she's like Kaden What have you been doing? What have you been doing?

Over here, I don't know you about you with you what the boys Got my whole white baby I've been living for my whole white baby and I love that guys fuck what was the spit for? We spent a lot of time on that Just looks at the camera there's a whole what? Baby out here, bro. It's all white baby, bro. Oh, why baby, bro?

Where's the from? Where's he from, Mississippi? I thought this was like outside Atlanta, like some type of, you know, Georgia neighborhood. I couldn't tell. I don't know where the Fidget Railhot. Fidget Railhot? Is it?

I thought it was the Fidget Railhot. Someone emailed in saying that that's what it was. Where is that? Fitzgerald highway. Where's the Fitzgerald highway? Fitzgerald highway. Where is that run? Georgia.

Georgia. Oh, scroll down. Found in Douglas. Valdosta. That's Georgia, man. Driving their Chrysler 300 on the Fitzgerald Highway in coffee county, they saw something ahead in the road. Is that right? Is Don Carrius, an Ontario Fusel who go by Sean and TZ,

traveling down? His name is Don Carrius. I mean, that's what I thought it said. Is that short for a time? Oh, is this an interview with them? Oh My come on Yeah, he was dogless natives are being recognized as local heroes as Simone Jamison reports their quick thinking and actions Help save it. I'll pause hang on. I query. Do you when they

Who's the reporter Simone Jackson? I didn't even hear it. I wonder if they were like, Simone, we can't understand them. Could we send you? Yeah, sure thing. I speak hood. Daikarius and Dutton, go ahead. San Ontario Fussell, who go by Sean and TZ, were traveling down Fist-Gerald Highway

on their way back to Douglas, Sunday, when they noticed something peculiar in the middle of the highway. We take a lift right next to next block over on Pine Forest. The baby standing at the middle of the road with a semi coming. And that's why I first thought a semi coming. That's when the men jumped into action, stopping in the middle of the road to save the child, wearing little more than a diaper. As seen in this Facebook live video,

they cover the child with a sweatshirt to keep him warm, keeping him in their car till authorities arrived on scene. If you see my neighborhood, that don't really happen over here, you see baby in the road. Couldn't just leave the baby or don't matter what color it was, white, black, and mixed, you know, I had to get the baby out of the road. The Douglas Police Department. I knew it. I couldn't get a lead a baby no matter what color it will white light that missed me. You know, I had to get the baby out

of the road. The Douglas Police Department. I knew it. I do. I do. Agencies now paying special recognition to Sean and TZ for their actions. Chief Shane Edmiston says that with the amount of traffic on this

roadway, the child they rescued could have easily had a different outcome. It was an unfortunate situation that the child got out of the house. The mom thought he was taking a nap. Could have been a bad situation that the child had. That's great.

Someone hadn't seen the child and the child would have been hit. It was too gentleman did a great thing that day. Through the entire experience, we need to be safe. I regret that one day I'll have to shoot both of them in the back. I don't want to get hailed as heroes, but encourage anyone in the same situation to do the same thing they did. I don't have a lot of people saying, well, thank God, y'all, we're kidding, I'm just saying God, y'all, you know, they're still the baby.

No, not being a hero, it's your call being a good Samaritan, you're trying to help. We're ending good Samaritan, what? I come in. Samoan Jameson. That's my favorite line. That's the whole thing. He's like telling her where he's like, this is where I come in, man. This is where I come in.

That's me and you. That is you and me on a fiddle highway. On the fiddle highway. I mean, he wasn't even close. Okay. Which one am I? You are, now you're the guy who said this is where I come in.

This is where I come in. Yeah, cause I'd be like, yeah, I saw the baby and I took my jacket out and you'd be like, and this is where I come in. Yeah, you're like, I took my, and you were like, I don't care if it's white, black, or Asian, I'm going to rescue it. And I was like, and this is where I come in.

Yeah, you would be like, let's make this about me though. But this is about you. So streaming right now, go see Hey Big Boy. It's on Netflix. It's a great special. Congratulations. Thank you. Next week, Tom Sagaras, ball hog on Netflix it's a great special congratulations thank you next week Tom Segeras ball hog on Netflix yep oh I got lots to talk to you about oh yeah we have to talk about all right we'll see you bye guys

bird time time and bird one goes top the swath the other where's the shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts of betta booze, amateur, pathology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. One K