2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 22 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

It's wild times, but the bears are back together in the cave! This time to celebrate Tom Segura's new Netflix special "Ball Hog!" With the current state of the world, Tom had to cancel all of the press he was going to do to promote it, so his best friend/bear Bert Kreischer steps in to try and recreate all the different interviews he would have had to do! What would Stephen Colbert have asked? What about Jimmy Fallon? Bert also gets into a fun story or two about beefing with black twitter over a hashtag, and how Desus and Miro were involved.

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You say it's their fault with the eyes. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. He's a great riser. I'm Tom. This was recorded a few days before you're seeing it. So we don't know if some of your loved ones aren't here anymore. Jesus Christ! This is, we should, we should, we should time stamp this so that the jokes we make,

you realize we didn't know. It's like, it's like I did that. First off, congratulations. Thank you. Congratulations. My bestie, Tom Segura, has a special that is streaming pretty much right now. Yeah, most likely you're seeing it tomorrow.

If you're watching this, when this comes out, it's called ball hog. Yes. It is phenomenal. Thank you, buddy. And I cannot wait. I'm like, I said to my dad, my dad called today. And obviously it's not out yet. I haven't seen it.

My dad called today and he goes, here's a lot of my friends are watching your special. A lot of, I guess not a big thing to do. And I was like, oh thanks dad. Thanks dad. Thanks dad as a compliment. And I said, yeah, you know, I think it's kind of crazy. I go, I'm really, I'm really excited to watch Tom's special because you get to

a point in the end of the night where you're like, great, I've watched all the pirates of the Caribbean. The girls are in bed. Now it's me time. And you fuck fuck to go on that main page and see you or Delia Delia's coming out April 8, 15th. Yep. Pete Davidson's got one, my special. Hey, big boy is streaming right now.

That's how I know. I'm sure it'll say if you like Tom's, you'll also like these three shirtless fat guys. You have three on the platform. All shirtless. All shirtless. I look like I'm wearing the exact same costume. And I have thought about this a few times. There is not a feasible way that you can go back to shirts now.

Ever. Ever. What I'm hoping is that we do this lockdown for coronavirus and I get fucking ripped. Yeah, it's most likely that that'll happen. I've never had eight weeks sober. Well, you told me you're like, I have a drink since Sunday. Sunday.

We're, it's Wednesday today, it's Wednesday. Yeah, but I didn't drink Sunday. No, I don't drink Sunday. Right, right. And I didn't. What'd you do? Xanax. No way, I'm not whitenuckling this.

No, I know. My OCD's been off the fucking charts. I've been eating edibles every night. For real? Yeah, I'm gonna lean into some edibles to find some, what are relaxing edibles? Indicates. If you eat an indica, it doesn't make your body tingle and your tongue not feel it anymore.

I mean, it depends on the dosage, but you know, I like it. Like if you get a good indica, it should make you... Have you talked about what happened with you and Joey? I have a whole bit on stage that I open with now. Are you serious? Yeah. I might have to talk about something else soon, but... Yeah.

You know what's so, so bizarre. I mean, I know no one wants to, like, hear us talk about talk shop forever, but think about this, because I know this is affecting everybody's life differently, but putting aside, you know, the seriousness, think about the fact that as comedians, all we know is to get on stage and you know you're either doing sets in the town, the city you live in, or you're doing longer shows on the road, etc., etc., all of you know we need an audience to do it. It's plausible that we will not perform stand-up for two months, maybe three or four months. None of us. None of us have ever done that. Not, not, but here's the thing.

None of us, like not one of us. Like, so all of a sudden, and when you, when you're rusty, you're fucking rusty. Oh, it's weird. And so you're gonna take all the comics and put them back at the exact same level. It's almost like a reset button. Because what happens is when you're doing it,

you know, you go through periods of performing all the time and many days in a row and you get into a rhythm and you get into a zone. You can tell like when you come back to the store and like someone's been on the road, just show, show, show, show, show, show, and they do their set, you're like, that dude's sharp.

Yeah, he's dialed in. He's about to shoot a special and you're like, oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, because that's just like, it's just everything's just clicking. And then you can tell when someone's like, ah, I went on vacation, I just got back. I worked for travel channel. And you get, well, you just go like, you can just, I mean, actually most of the time audiences don't even really do. Audiences can't tell what we can tell. We can tell. And even we sometimes struggle to tell some of the difference from person up like, you'll be like, that was good. And even we sometimes struggle to tell some of the difference

from person up, like you'll be like, that was good. And they're like, nah, I fucked this, this, this, this, this, you don't even really realize it. But you as the person performing, no. You know when you're like, my shit, what's fucking off tonight, you know? Like I missed a, I missed stuff because I haven't done that joke in a minute.

And when you say in a minute, you mean like four days or something. Now, you know, let's say it's like June and we are performing again. I mean, we're all gonna be like, so I have two kids. I thankfully recorded my last sets in the beacon. Yeah. And then, and at the Constitutional, I recorded them.

You can listen to them. I can listen to them at least and catch up. But here's the other thing is that like, there's gonna be a lot of shit. If you're a comic better but no book on hand because there's gonna be a lot of shit that flies out your head. And the other part is there's no social,

my wife's a fucking Nazi. That'll be clipped out. My wife is a Nazi about this social distancing. So we're not hanging out with anybody. Yeah. So there's no like, you go to a house party and you're hanging out with some people and you drop a joke, you're like, that could work. And then slide it in.

It's just you with your kids, trying to, and I'm like so hungry, I just started getting into puns, which is fucking exhausting. Yeah. And so all day, all night last last night she kept trying to make puns about quarantine and I was like, we're not fucking quarantine, I love. But yeah, it's gonna be interesting man, that for all this, I have a bunch of theories.

I have a bunch of theories that number one, I think that comics should pair up and go out on tour together and with a lower ticket price so people's dollars stretches further, I think I honestly think there's a social responsibility for comics to make a run of clubs and boost the economy in those clubs. You gotta go to the clubs.

You gotta do a run in clubs. Like hit those funny bones of Virginia Beach, Richmond, all those ones that supported us for all those years, go in, low ticket Richmond, all those ones that support him and that's for all those years. Go in, low ticket price, sell it out, move merch, get everyone tipped out nice. I mean, you gotta, it's gonna be fucking really interesting and it's gonna weed out the people that don't give a fuck.

Yeah. Those Hollywood types and there's not many of us in the business, but there are the ones that are like, no, my ticket price is 55, they can suck my dick. You're gonna be like, oh, it's stupid. You're stupid and you're short-sighted and you're also just greedy and dumb.

Yeah. I will say this too, because there's, you know, I know everything's changing and affecting people differently day to day. One of the things I've been trying to do, and I think that like people, and no, no, like I'm serious. I have a list of things of things I think you've been trying

to do, add carbs into my diet. He's been really trying. Plan how this is a plan, how this is a massive genocide, to get benefit you. No, now this is the massive genocide. Give benefit to you. No, I fucking by the way, I can have, I don't know, two bites of rice, and I think I put on 10 pounds.

My body, like as soon as carbs are introduced to my system, it's like, you wanna get fat again? Like, like, and I mean like, really fat? Like, I cannot, I have to restrict it completely, or I just put on fucking 50 pounds. I didn't eat any carbs yesterday at all. I love how all your discipline things are always like 24 hours.

You're like, get it right there. The night before? I ran, when, yesterday. The night before I woke up in the middle of the night. Have you ever woken up with a sugar tongue where you're just like, oh, like it must be what like those congressmen that are gay that have been holding it in their entire lives.

And then they end up in a hotel room, snort and math and just fucking nine dudes. And it's gotta be the best orgasm of their life. Oh, imagine how hard you come when you're like repressing those gay feelings and then you go, you know what, I'm not just gonna let them out, I'm gonna let them out of a cannon with meth fucking

and hook male hookers. And just slam it. It's gotta be that way. And doing everything. It's almost like, remember when you were a kid, you left. I would fund that. If you're interested in

In in part taking and something like that and you'll let us videotape I'll I'll pay for it I would like I would love a congressman to come out and go hey guys. I'm gonna live two different lives Okay, just give me you know I got a wife and kids. I'm very happily married every now and then I'm gonna fuck a massage therapist In a hotel room in Jacksonville with lots of meth. That's a weekend. That's my weekend Give me my weekend. I'm back on I'll be like I got you on my vote. Did that that was a Andrew Gillum, right? Yeah Yeah, he was like a he almost like almost became the governor of Florida like he you know close You know boot of cheches like we're not all like that of course. That's why course. That's why you vote for a guy who's out of the closet? Yeah.

Because the guy out of the closet is like, I just love dudes, okay? Yeah. Like, I don't love fucking hardcore poppers in a bathtub and that fucking, it's in the toilet motherfucker. That dude was like, uh, Gilm, it says, and I can say his name, Gilm, he said that, uh, that he was just, he was like,

I actually just had too much to drink. I was like, no, that's not what happened. Hey, guess what? I drink a lot. Yeah. I've never once been like, man, either, I got to get to bed, or I'm sucking cock in a hotel room snort and meth I had too much and he and also you you can tell when someone's lying up like that for a number of reasons But one of them was he was like I'm going away now and I just need to reassess things What a great time to go to rehab. Oh, yeah during the coronavirus. This is when people forget these stories like oh

Bad news is this is the best time to have personal bad news. I bet Ari loves this. Oh yeah. Oh he just went, he just unlocked his Twitter account. Are you serious? I think that he's off. I texted John L last night

because John L makes fun of the way Ari said, hope it bad. Yeah. Ari, you know, Ari just got the news. He's like, hope-rope the virus. Co-be-be. Okay, thank God I didn't shoot that special. What was Don El's take on that?

On what, on Ari with Kobe? Yeah. Is that white people smirk, black people don't smirk. If you smirk your, in your black, your gay. Don El's got some really enlightened views on homosexuality. Donnell's, he goes, he goes, why can't you just be an old school homophobe?

And I was like, man, cuz Donnell is, I'm not speaking for Donnell. He never said that. I'm just saying. Go to his Twitter, go to his Instagram. Cog. Nope, other is. Yeah, so he thinks that are he's gay? No, no, no, he just thinks,, oh, nope, other is. Yeah.

So he thinks that are he's gay? No, no, no, he just thinks, I think, I don't know. He just, I think he was, I think he didn't give up, I don't know, I think he wasn't allowed to say, I don't really care, because you can't do that on black Twitter. Dude, I got him fight with black Twitter when I was younger.

About what? It was Valentine's Day. And I, you're like Valentine's Day, it's not for you guys. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Can't we have one fucking day? God dammit. You got the whole fucking month of February. Can't we get the 14th? Pfft. Pfft. That's getting glimpsed. No cough!

Tybal, I'm cool. You're Tybal, you're cool. So no, I was. I was on this right one Twitter started being big and uh, I got into it with Jesus and Miril on, uh, on black Twitter one time. You got to do it with them. I thought you could get your buddies with that. This is before I met them. I had to tell them I got into them. I got into it with them. I can't remember. Can you see, will you type in my app, Bert mentions, and then either kid Miro or Jesus nice?

And see, you can read us getting into it. I don't think they remember it, so I hope not to bring it up to them, but they was, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the deed just kept away from that. I don't even care. Stop, stop, stop, keep going.

Keep going, keep going, scroll, scroll, Jesus fucking Christ. I didn't mind, it's not worth it, it's not worth it, so just take it down, just take it down, did I? Take it down, take it down, take it down. No one needs to see any of this Shut up Where you like guys pull up your fucking pants and turn your music down. Was that it? No

The first one started with on Valentine's Day and I and I wrote I wrote... Oh, my god. My ropes. It was trending. That was so bad. Did they hit learn? So... Let's just change something. What did you say to them?

I don't know what that one was. It was another one I guess. I got it. I don't even remember that one. I've been even reading it. I was like, motherfucker. I said it was trending and it was V-Day gifts in the hood. That was the hashtag that was trending.

Okay. So I read it and as I read it, it was all very like. Can you start, Zach? V-Day gifts. Yeah, V-Day gifts in the hood start that V-Day gifts? Yeah V-Day gifts in the hood Hashtag has to take V-Day gifts in the hood V-Day I think that was it wasn't V-Day in the hood V-Day in the hood V-Day gifts in the hood Yeah V-Day gifts in the hood Might be in duh hood

hood. Now V day it was V day gifts in the hood. Well, that was the high hashtag. All right, well, anyway, so I wrote back that was like all stuff like get her a glock. You know, she needs a click clack. Get her a mattress. Who remembers jumping on a a click-clack. Get her a mattress. Who remembers jumping on a mattress when there were kids? Like it was weird.

I didn't get any of the ones that they were doing. And then some of them were like, get her a paternity test. You know she doesn't know who her daddy is or who baby daddy is. Well, in some of them were like racist. I didn't know they were coming from all black people, right? Oh, okay.

I didn't understand what black Twitter was. So I just wrote in, how about a classy pen? And I didn't realize it was all black people and black people lit me up. They're like, yo, this isn't for you, son. Like get out of here. And then I realized it was all black people and then I went, okay, I wrote again, V.D. gift from the hood. Anything Dungeons and Dragons, son. And they got fucking I rate. I read it was like the same 15 people just coming at me. And then I wrote, give me one more try guys.

And I wrote, how about a bottle of champagne? But spray it all over that hoe. And they were like, that's more like it. And so that was the first one. Dizett and Miro, it was about safety pins. Do you remember a social? It was about safe type in a bird, Christcher, safety pins, Twitter, and I I said clearly

Jesus. Oh, there we go. That's it. That's it. That's it. Okay, so Diz Jesus and Miro. So, safety pins are great for holding things together, like the illusion you're doing something. It was Jesus and Miro, and this is before I knew them, and their whole point was like, yeah, you know, white people going into pottery barn grabbing their safety pins, and I was like,

they don't sell safety pins at pottery barn. And I was like, oh, that's such a hilarious, broad stroke of white people going into pottery barn grab in their safety pins and I was like they don't sell safety pins at pottery barn. And I was like oh that's such a hilarious broad stroke of white people, not knowing white people going, they go to pottery barns to buy their safety pins. And so I wrote a message from a man who's clearly never been to pottery barn and bro I got fucking torn to pieces. I was like nevermind tap out, tap out, off up for a while. Did they message you? I think scroll down. I think I think Jesus did He might have deleted it Christ the staff know did that's interesting That's not me But yeah, I think I forget who messaged me but I think Jesus did because I brought it up to them when I did their show for the first time

And and they were like yeah, I don't remember that and I was like oh, yeah, but I think Jesus did because I brought it up to them when I did their show for the first time and and they were like Yeah, I don't remember that and I was like oh, yeah, but yeah, the I just did their show you doing their show at all I'm not going to New York anymore. It's kind of crazy man. I was gonna go to all this fucking some of it was pretty cool press Tell you what kind of do and I'll do the interview for you. Okay. Tell me. I was gonna do Colbert. Okay. All right. Here we go. I like Go there. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen. Ah, Catholic. Very excited to announce my next guest. You can see him on Netflix. He's got a new comedy special called

Next guest you can see him on Netflix. He's got a new comedy special called ball hog You know how he's gonna say it cuz he's not gonna go ball hog like a girl wants nuts in her mouth ball hog Put your hands together for Tom Segera so Tom How you doing man? Oh, you've done this before I have yeah, oh So funny you white guys this all? I have, yeah. Oh, so funny. You white guys just all blend in to say. Yeah. So Tom, tell me, what's Ball Hog about? Is it new material?

It is, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they tend to ask you to do new ones. Oh, okay, okay. And so these are all jokes you've done before. Yeah, I did it on tour and then I did it at a show. Yep. So here's my question Tom.

You talk about your family in this. I do a little bit. And how do they feel about it? That's funny that you ask. They're not into it. Really? No. And you have one wife?

I have one current wife. And a two child? Two childs. That are both good boys. Oh, Christian. Christian boys. Okay, yes. Oh, Christian, okay, great.

Now, in the special you talk about murdering dogs. Now, hold on one second, because you've gotten, you've gotten us a meal before, and are you ready for the fire that's coming your way? I'm pretty excited about it. It tends to boost sales all around. So every, every special I try to upset a group of people.

Fantastic, fantastic, fantastic. Sounds great, I think I'm gonna love it. Tom, last question. We do a game here on Cold Bear. Yes. I say a word, you say the first word that comes to your mind, okay? Okay, all right.

Here we go. Okay, Tom's good. We're gonna play a match pass. Okay, where I say the word He says first word that comes in his mind I then say the next word that comes in my mind and we go back and forth until someone says a racial slur here we go Igloo Ice catch up, redskins.

And he won, he won, that was amazing Tom. Well thanks for having you back, we'll see you again in two years and I won't remember you again. All right, what else are we gonna do? Please say we're gonna do, what else are you gonna do? I was gonna do full size run, the complex sneaker show. All right, what other shows are you gonna do? This is fun do full size run. What's that? The complex sneaker show. All right, what are the shows you're gonna do? This is fun, this is a great way to do this.

We'll get all your press in right now. If you can clip these out and go, what we should do, okay, what was the big one you were gonna do, okay? Like look it up. And then what I want you to do is I want you to pull up an interview online and get what questions

he asks John Malaney. And then me and Tom will take turns answering those questions as if we were in John Malaney shoes. Does that make sense? You're going to do Ellen? I don't know. I was submitted for it. But this kind of thing.

I know that would be fun. Hey, by the way way Ellen, we'll have you on our show. Yeah, there's a freebie the only guess we'll ever have we I loved that in the Stanley Cup guy. I would love to have Ellen on our show. We're gonna do Fallon. No, I was gonna do Conan. we're gonna do a game about Jimmy Fallon last night. Yeah. Yeah, I had a dream that Jimmy Fallon, that Leanne and I were going to a special, oh my God. Was Jimmy Fallon really excited about it? Because he always gets really excited about everything. He just, you're just realizing that what your dream meant or something? Because you seem like you're blown away by it.

I had a dream. Yeah. I had a dream that just our people roamed the land. So we were going to do something with Conan and it was like a very special thing and it was like something I wanted to do with white yoga when we got there and the guy we were supposed to call Was answering his phone so we called Conan's phone and on Conan's line he was doing a game show and It was like questions about music and I go well, yeah, let's just answer the questions about music and then we'll get up. And then we don't have to worry about calling him will just

be the winner of this contest. And so she was like, okay, and I go keep going, come here. She's like, don't touch me. I don't touch me. And I was like, why can't I touch you? She's like, I can't tell you, I can't tell you. So, Jimmy Fallon's house was right around the, was like right down the hill. So he saw us doing this and he goes, what are you guys doing when I said we're answering questions about music. He goes, I know everything about music. And I was like, oh cool, come on up.

So he comes up and we're, and him and Leanna working and I go, I'm going to go back down to your house and you guys work on this and this game show. So I go down and Jimmy Fallon's girlfriend invited two Irish girls to come party with them and they were fucking gorgeous. They were so gorgeous, right? Beautiful. Jimmy and Jimmy and Leanne come down and they go, we won the thing. We're ready to go up and I was like, oh, that's so awesome. And I grabbed her and I go, don't, she was don't touch my stomach and I go, why? And she goes, I've been saving her as a surprise. But I want to show you this and I go, what?

She left her stomach and she had a tattoo that said, get the fuck shit out on her stomach. And all these Irish girls looked at her and they're like, and I was like, that's my wife. And I was like, you got a tattoo of that. She's like, yeah, get the fuck shit out, right? Like get the fuck shit out. And I was like, and then I woke up and I was like, you got to tattoo that? She's like, yeah, get the fuck shit out, right? Like get the fuck shit out. And I was like, and then I woke up and I was like, ugh, why do I have to be married to her?

Yeah. That was my dream. That was your dream? Yeah, that was a weird dream. Anyway, put what you were gonna do Conan? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, can we just do Fallon real quick? Let's do Fallon. We're never going to get to do Fallon. Okay, let's do Fallon real quick. All right, so pull up. Are you going to be Jimmy?

No, no, no, we're going to have Jimmy Fallon. I got asked the question, then we're both going to answer it. Oh, okay, okay. And we're going to do two answers. We're going to do the answers that will make our fans leave us. And then the answers that will make our fans love us. Okay. This is a new segment on two bears come all gave called Love Is Or Leave Us.

We can't play footage from Jimmy Fallon Yeah, yeah, or you could listen to it and ask us the question. There you go. Here's what you do As we continue talking just pull it up on a separate device or something watch it in there See what he asks and then get on mic. How scary is this coronavirus been for Josh Potter? Not even able to see who he's talking to. You think he'll live? He's got, I mean, like his immune system's really strong. He looks at, his hair makes it look like he's the guy that goes, he's like the old saloon

hang around. He seems like the kind of guy that could eat out of the gutter and then just fart and that would pass a disease through him and he'd be fine. I got these orange sauces in San Jose and I haven't put them on everything and our friends reached out and they're like, hey, how long have these orange sauce sauces last?

And I go, oh, they're still good. And they're like, it says a month. And I go, yeah still good. And they're like, it says a month and I go, yeah, yeah. And they're like, you gave us to this in January. And I was like, I'm still using it. And they're like, well, we tried it. And we had horrible diarrhea. And I was like, yeah, that's what you get when you have hot sauce.

Yeah. I've just been putting poison on my food and the shit I get at all. I mean, how often do you get diarrhea? Every day. Every day. I don't ever shit solid. I've never had like a dog shit where it like forms at the end, like get that old. I mean, how often do you get diarrhea? Every day. Every day. I don't ever shit solid. I've never had like a dog shit where it like forms at the end,

like there's clothes. Yeah. Like do you have like, you ever see like nice clean logs? Never I've never had a clean log in a very long time. Mostly a mess. Mostly it is, it is fucking, it's almost like someone grabbed a handful of clay and just threw it at the back of the toilet. Yeah.

And then, and then, and then a millie afternoon, it will be like leafy diarrhea. Like just like a woman pissing. Yeah, yeah. I see a lot. I have a witness podcast. Feel what it's just. I did witness podcast.

Is she peed in the middle of it? She got up and peed in the bathroom. Is that turned on? No, I don't know, but no, but I, it's the first time in my life where you where I to averted my eyes but in my head I was like I was like just real quick just real quick she's beautiful man wouldn't he really is gorgeous yeah yeah she really is and she's a great basketball player great basketball player

yeah what do you get a phone call you get a phone call from my business manager too no because that's who's calling me. I'm a little freaked out. Oh yeah, where he's like, look man, you're in trouble. He's like, you got two months. Things he goes for eight weeks, we're dead. We're dead in the water. The, um, no, it was a fun podcast. I did with this podcast, I had a fucking blast.

Have you done with this podcast? I have never done a podcast. Oh, you should do with this podcast. Are you into P? No, I don't really care. Did you ever do like a no experiment? I like it. Pean here, it's kinda annoying.

No, no, no, I would never let that, I don't care about that. Anyone ever ask you to pee on them? No, I pee don't jacks, but not didn't ask. What happened? In the shower. Oh yeah, yeah. Just let them go.

Water getting warm. Are you pissing on me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not a mingo. Water getting warm Are you pissing on me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do that sometimes now and I it's like oh it smells like coffee Coffee yeah, I Bit my tongue good on that one you did one time. I'll tell the story. I don't care. Yeah one time I'll check one.. I'll be on a check, one time. All right, go ahead. No, you start. No, no, no, you start. You start. No.

Uh, uh, one time I shit in the tub with Leanne, we were in the tub and I just shit in the tub. What? Never mind. It's a long story. Shit in the tub. No. Ugh.

What the fuck in squirt? Anyway, what we use here is story. Uh, no, now that I think about it, it's a fucking squirt. Anyway, what we use here is a story. Uh, no, now that I think about it, it's not a cool story. Have you ever just jerked off solo in front of Push? No, no, I have. Just like, hey, watch this. Yeah.

I mean, I've done it for like a joke. Oh no. But you're like having a serious, like, I'm gonna look. No, we had it, we were in the shower one time and she was kind of like, I was kind of like joking around and going, if you want, you just stand over there and I can, she was like, and she was like, okay. And I was like, wait, what?

She was like, I don't know the problem with it. She was like, it's less work for me. And I was like, really? I was like, come closer, why don't you kiss me? She was like, okay. And I was like, by the way, we could do this every single fucking morning. And?

And we did it once. It was one time. Never, and I never had the balls to pull the trigger again. Really? Why? I've been a little, I don't know. I have a weird thing with, I did it last night.

We did sex last night and I said to Leana, I said, I said, thank you, I banged it out. You did. Oh, you really got in there? I put it down. Yeah. She can get it. And she got it. Now, she, she, I have a podcast by the way that we recorded on the bus that I have to edit out so badly because of all your because of my bus driver, Ron. I at Leigh Angos is to do say, uh, driver Ron, I ate Lee Angos, is to do say,

that was from Valin? Yeah. But wait, what did he say? It was just, it was, it's aggressive. And I might leave it in, because I don't feel like, I feel like cancel culture is kind of not right, not there right now. I feel like everyone's like,

you know what, let's just get through the next eight weeks. Yeah. And then we'll start canceling people again. Yeah. And so I might just leave it in and Ron doesn't care. He's like, put it in, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. It was the time when he holding chicks' heads underwater and stuff.

No, he's just, he's, he's been pitching, he's been hardcore pitching me. I don't know if I told you this he's been pitching very aggressively that for a promo video for the fall tour we shoot a porn where he fucks Christy Mac and so he's like you hire her as a performer to come on the bus fuck me you guys watch. I'll fuck her. And then you go, at the end you go, yo, birdie boy world tour. I'm like, it's great promo. I go, it sounds like a win win for you, Ron. And it sounds like a lot of money out of pocket for me

when I could just go, hey, birdie boy world tour. And he was like, yeah, but I get to fuck Chrissy Mac. Yeah, exactly. Like, it sounds great, Ron. Sounds great, not that. I mean, if you want to do like a part two of that, I'll work with her too. Yeah, I wonder if... Is that cheating?

Uh, no, it's work. Yeah, right? Yeah. Hey, work slight these next 10 weeks, babe. I got a fuck, Kristie Mack. I got a fuck. Oh. Not just Kristie Mack.

I want you to take a look at this list and tell me who you don't approve of. Yeah. So, would you get down with Kristi Mack? Oh, if I was not married to Leanne in a fucking... No, even Marynda, I guess, a working performer. Oh, oh, if I was performer and I had a full camera. And that's how we made money. Oh, she might be my number one.

Yeah. Yeah, she's gorgeous, man. Her body is not make sense. It really doesn't make sense. Yeah. She has a perfect butt, like a perfect butt, and then the skinniest fucking waist and a skinny legs and then big tits perfect face. I think you like her. I like her. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah, we know that. Ron said, Ron. I told you this. Ron never mind. Did you watch the link we sent you? Did you see the line? I've seen it. I've seen it.

I'll do this, Ron, never mind. Did you watch the link we sent you? Did you see the link? I haven't seen it. Okay. All right, you ready to do, are you Jimmy Fallon in there? Yeah, yeah, that's good. Okay.

All right, are you Jimmy? Or are we just gonna read it together? How about we do, okay. You read it to me, and then I'll be, I'm gonna be really jipped, Bert doing Jimmy Fallon, okay? Okay. Okay. Bert Kreizer. You read it to me and then I'll be I'm gonna be really jitbert doing Jimmy Fallon, okay?

Okay. Okay. For Christ, you're. Okay. Oh my God, this guy's so funny. I love so funny. I love you so funny. I love you so funny.

I love you so funny. I saw you at the New York comedy club years ago. Oh my God, you were there. I was there dude. Oh, I'm so excited. I love your hair. Keep going. What was good?

Okay, hey big boy. It's so funny. It's his. He's got all these other ones. We take this hair. Keep going. What was good? Okay. Hey big boy. It's so funny. It's always got all these other ones Re-takes a shower. It's great. Okay, so All right, we're gonna play this game. Hey, Bert. So okay. Are you ready? Yeah, okay? Which I don't know these questions are coming no no which of the seven dwarves do you most identify? Okay? Okay? Okay, I've been waiting for this. Okay, Brad Williams, We man, tattoo from Fantasy Island. And I think those are my three that I really,

oh my God, he doesn't name any of them. All right, Tom. Yeah. Okay, okay. I've been wanting to do this. This is a good one, this is a good one. Tom. Yes.

Okay, he's got a special called ball hog. I didn't even know you played basketball. You don't look at basketball. Yeah, no, no, I do love basketball. All right, he's got a special called ball hog, and he's coming right now and Jimmy Fallon. Tom, what seven dwarfs do you identify with the most? No, not what seven dwarfs.

Which of the seven dwarves I'm gonna throw up I think I'm gonna throw up I thought it was just me and Simon dwarfs So that's why you're like Brad William. The guy from Game of Thrones. Peter Dingles. Oh, oh, oh. How do you think that question would have gone over on to me?

Foward in the Brad Williams, we man, Peter Dick. You're like, I don't know seven. I mean, this guy's loving dwarfs over here, huh? I was like, why it's a weird fucking question. We're not gonna do anymore. All right, Tom, lunge me, Tom. Real quick, what's the worst thing about getting older? You just know you're so much closer to death every day, you know?

I wonder why they're not booking us on Fallon. I mean, we be the perfect just guys who don't hear the question the way they they wrote it. That's a great question. That's a fun one. Alright, let's see if we can volley ball that. What's the best thing to tell someone in the middle of a hug? God, there's so many ways to go. Middle of a hug.

I've hooded for Trump too. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha like this. Yeah reminds you of your dad's breath. Harder. Do you ever have an aunt touch you like this? Okay, let's think out of the box. I'm besting this ain't the middle of a hug. We're gonna take our country back. I watch cows getting slaughtered online. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay, middle of a hug, ready? Okay. You want me to add an Auschwitz? A complication, like a sightseeing door. Oh, that's a good one.

Just say the thing. Mmm. Yeah, you guessed right. Uncircumcised. What about just open-ended, like, middle of a hug, right? We're hugging. Lean into your ear. Euthersity. It's creepy, right? Yeah. That's a weird question. I bet they, I bet they, I bet they, I bet. Here's the thing that's kind of crazy is, is I guess if, I guess what they do, they have to, because they couldn't put a celebrity on a spot like that.

No, these are all rehearsed. So they, things prepped. Really? Everything's prepped. So they go to them, they go, so we're going to ask you about the seven, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven,

four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, four, seven, seven, four, seven, four, if a genie gave you three wishes, what would they be? And then their writers have written funny answers for us. They definitely have written and then they go, what do you think of it? And then the guest is probably like, no, no, yes, no, and then goes,

oh, I've got, I'm gonna say this. And then would Ricky for sure would come up with funny shit to say. Yeah, Ricky Jervais, were these Ricky Jervais' questions? Yeah. What did he say, what are his favorite seven dwarfs? No, they didn't he say, what was favor seven dwarfs? No, they didn't say what are your favor seven dwarfs.

Which of the seven dwarfs? Do you realize how viral that I would have gone? If I was, I'd done failing. Oh, I would've said that. And I misheard him. You're like, I like Brad, I like Peter, Dinklage, Wee-Man. I can't name seven though.

Now he would have just fallen out of his chair. I bet they would have cut it. I bet they would have made me take it from the top and redo it. Now they would. But 10 years ago or 20 years ago, they would have been, I would have been. So I remember watching, I remember watching Don Rickles on Letterman one time. Yeah, this is like right when the PC turn was happening. It was like right when the PC turn was happening.

It was like right when I started being a comic. And he was like, he was like, great crowd, great crowd. You got it, you got a Puerto Rican on the front row. I know if we need a knife where to get one, huh? Hey, you know, and you can see Letterman but they're like, hey, and everyone's like, what? And Don Rick was like, Puerto Ricans carry knives.

They stab people. You're like, oh, did you ever see, hey, was was it hey dummy? Hey, hey big guy. What hey big boy? No, what was the name of what was the name of Don Rickles fucking special was it hey stupid? Hey don Rickles Mr. Mr. Mr. Smiles or something How about fucking Netflix almost releasing what is it called? Not Mr. Potato Head. Hey What is just like that? Yeah, the number Yeah, this yeah comedy special. Let's see what it says go to Wikipedia

This is last one that he did. It'll be in here. Mr. Warmth. Mr. Warmth. Mr. Warmth. Do you ever see that? No. It is so fucking inappropriate.

I saw him on the, he was doing like a, you know, it's like spring training. And they sent him to, I think Dodgers spring training. training and he's like meeting this is like in the 80s. He's meeting guys on the field and they're all you know, they're in like They come up to him kind of like hey, what's up? Because they know he's gonna bust their bills and he's like where you from to this guy? He's like a Ruulika, though me again. He's like what's your wife cleaning hotel rooms right now? You could not say that now.

Hey, Mr. Warmth, is it Mr. Warmth is that go up? Mr. Warmth is the Don Rickles project. It's a documentary but it shows his standup and he just he's on stage destroying season Asian guy He goes two years in the jungle. I was looking for your grandfather two fucking years. look at this guy smelling his hand over here like just the fucking greatest The greatest like and you could never do any of that but man. I was Crying those those guys buddy hack it. I met buddy hack it once and dude go to YouTube go to YouTube Put in Don Rickles. Wow, we're getting pretty good views on that last podcast.

Yeah. Spring training, see if it's there. By the way, capsule hotels, the way to go. Oh my God. Oh yeah, yeah. See, insults the Dodgers. We're like fourth video down. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, go please

I'm gonna put your headphones on oh we can watch this gotta love those guys. Do you think they're here? An entertainment coach and the fellow that have hired is gonna make you guys relax. Here's our new entertainment coach Look at his dog It's only a jog Tubs to get down the end. Tubbs. Amigo. Say it out loud.

Say, yeah, it's time. I say it out loud. Which means I definitely feel Pedro. You should go back to your homeland and become a general. But Pedro, I know you a lot of years. Now what should play? You're a great ball player. Problem is the wife don't buy it. You know, I met the wife, you got a lot of money. How long are you going to make the woman

clean hotel room? You got to let her get out the ballpark. Got to live it in joy a little bit. You don't mean Pedro? You're a good amigo. How old are you now? Mente, no, we. Mente, where are you? In this country 38 years you still talking Spanish. I want you to know know. I'm 29. 29, good. 29. You just won the lottery. You won two weeks in Ata Poco. Okay, what's your opinion?

You have a great year. Finish your... He just looks at me goes, 29, 39. And they got mad at Shane Gillis. Oh my God. This is fucking... This is hilarious. This is... Do you think that kids,

these like young kids that are so like- Woke? Do you think that they'll watch this as the way we look is like, what was the very first movie ever made? It was the fucking very first movie's movie's about to plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think they'll look at that and go,

what the fuck? Yeah, I think right now, if somebody watching this would definitely say that. Why do we enjoy it? Because it's inappropriate. So why is that? What is it about our sense of humor that the more inappropriate the more it makes us giggle?

Because most people don't talk like this in public. So it's like taboo. And we know it's, you know, we know it's, I don't know, there's like a dance to it. There's like a fine line of doing it well. The thing is like, people never really got mad at rickles because the theory is that the audience can sense your intent.

Like we know he's not malicious. We know he's not, we know it's an act. And but he's saying things that are like, but then okay, let's then let let's let's take this apart. Why did people? I Don't understand I sincerely don't understand why people got upset with your Louisiana joke Like when you go I think we should build around wall around those people. Yeah, like like Do you think it's people that don't get subtlety or don't get nuanced part of it? Is that yeah part of it's that then don't get subtlety or don't get nuanced? Part of it is that. Yeah, part of it's that.

Then almost in a weird way, we should flag those people and isolate them. I mean, I think we kind of do without making it like a known thing. I mean, like, if you want to use that as an example, you know, the backlash essentially exists online. And then those people make themselves known. And then other people see those people and go like, let's isolate those people. I mean, so it kind of actually does happen. So bizarre that someone would not see the humor

and like that you'd stand on stage with a microphone and then we'd go, this is a serious. Yeah, of course. But the thing is, I mean, what I learned, or I think you everybody, you don't want more of it than me. Well, but I think everybody ends up figuring it out if you're a comedian, is you go,

at first when you have like, people get really upset about something, you're like, what's going on? But then you realize that the people that get really upset are never gonna be a factor in your life, because they're like, if they're really upset, if they go, I saw your fucking, hey big boy in that joke about,

you know, the broom and the mop, fuck, you know, you're a horrible person. You're like, okay, they're not gonna buy, take it to the next show. So they're not a factor anymore. Yeah, you're never gonna like what I did. That's what Ari's point was, this joke wasn't meant for you.

Right. It was meant for my fans. Yeah, I mean, I understand what he's saying by that. I understand what he's saying. Yeah. You know, the, it makes sense to say that. It makes sense that you go. Not to go like inside baseball and talk about,

but is it totally different show when you wear headsets? It is. Do you like it or no? I don't care. I've always liked headsets. I like headsets too. Here's my question, is that, and I could deconstruct comedy and specials more importantly all day long.

Here's how I do it, is I say something offensive. I do not know it's offensive often until I'm in the editing bay with a black assistant editor and I'm watching the Starbucks joke and I'm like, lul, I wonder how this is gonna play. Like, I don't think things through, right? But that editor liked it, he loved it. He loved it, he was like, dude.

And then I told him how I broke down the joke and how it started, and he was like, he was like, are you fucking serious? And then it's better. I wish I could have kept it the way originally did it, but it couldn't, because people- Did you see the guy in the last Star Wars that looks like you? No.

Oh, you see the guy that was in Heroes? I don't know. Yeah, I think I know who you're talking about. He's a fighter pilot. Yeah. Yeah, we're watching at the end. I was like, fuck it, it kind of looks like Burke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a type in Heroes, a fighter pilot, Star Wars. So here's my question is that you kind of lean into it. And I know you said in this special you lean into it, you're like, man, if they thought the last one was offensive, wait till they see this. Well, yeah, there's a huge, the, every special pretty much has like your, you know, signature section or piece to it.

So there's a section in like the, definitely not him. Definitely not him. Um, type in cast of heroes. Heroes is a TV show on NBC. And then type NBC, the Hogan's heroes. And then he's that guy, he's that guy right there. But he's gotten fatter.

That's why he looks like me. That's what it is. That's who it is? Yeah. I can't see is. That's who it is? Yeah. I can't see him. Find out his name. Yeah, that now he looks like me. Oh, now I see him.

Yeah, the guy next to Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson? Is that not Mike Tyson? I can't see. Who is it? I know that guy. Who is it? Oh, no, is that the cast of heroes? Anyway, so wait, here's my question.

What are we talking about? People that look like me. No, but we're talking about you. When you go to write a joke, do you, is there, is there subjects that you steer away from where you go too hard? It's not like I can't work it. No, but I do think that like things are of interest to you, like naturally. Yeah.

And like I won't go, okay, what's a big hot topic right now? Like a polarizing thing. Oh, mass shootings. I'm going to write, like I don't work. I go. I took about that many, many, many hours. But I think in terms of if we pick up a topic, mass shootings are a thing that exists and I have a thought and opinion that I feel like something is coming out of, well then I do it because my natural instinct is to talk about it. But I'm not going to go like, I have to have. So you think comedy really is just a representation of your personality and what you find humorous?

For all of us, I think so. So then what comic do you look at and you go, that blows me the way what he, like remember Jay London? Yes. The way what he found funny, what his sense of humor was, was like slumber party here.

I find it interesting when you can watch somebody like that, and you go like, oh, that dude's brain is interesting. Yeah. You know, Brent Weinbach's like that to me. Where I go like, you might see him at first and you're like, your head turns, you're like, what's going on? And then you start to really enjoy the ride

of like this dude's brain works differently. Yeah, Demetri Martin has a different type of brain. Yeah. Like you watch him and you're like, because I'll always, especially with guys that write jokes like that, when I watch your comedy, I kind of shut my brain off and enjoy it. It's a different, and that's as a comedian,

but as a comedian, when I watch Demetri, I try to figure the riddle out. You do? Oh yeah, I try to guess it. I try to guess it. It's like a magic trick. Wow. I feel like, I mean,

some of those straight up joke rider guys, like where they just go like, this is a hundred written setup and punches. Yeah. Yeah, I think I do the thing where I go, I'm just gonna try to enjoy this. Jasselnik has the best first joke in a comedy special ever. Really?

With Alda. Did you watch this special? Yeah. Which one was it? It was the very first joke. I have a friend whose wife's pretty Christian. And she always blames me for his bad behavior. And the other day, she came in.

By the way, I'm murdering your joke, Anthony. I apologize. Yeah. But I'm just, I want you to watch this special. Oh, I remember this. Yeah, I remember it now. It's just go type in Anthony, Justin, and Netflix special.

He's got a few. Oh, yeah. It's the latest, by the way, I loved his fucking, the one before that, where he talked about the Shark Attack thing. Darts and prayers. It's the one where he trashes Comedy Central for fucking 30 minutes.

I'm kind of remember the names. It was such a departure from what he does with the joke writing. He tells this story about getting slammed by Comedy Central and I loved it, dude. Yeah, he's a great comedian. He really is, yeah. I take that back.

Dave Spell's probably got the best. Dave Spell's kicker in the pussy joke. Oh, that one was great. I actually really loved. My favorite, favorite, favorite. My, the one that I love was the most recent one when he opened with talking about Anthony Bourdain. Oh, yeah.

Dude, here's what, because the truth is like the most important element in comedy really is surprise. Like when you don't expect something. 100% He does that thing in that where he's like, he's like, you know, dude, had the best job. And then he just starts telling a story about a guy

that was in like medical school or something or law school and then he gave his life up for a check. And then he ended up being, he saw him at a foot locker. And like, it's this huge, long thing that he's like, and not once, did that motherfucker think about killing himself? I fucking fell out. I mean, I really did, I laughed so hard. Here's what's brilliant about what Shepel does,

is he's got a way of not losing me, when he's not telling a joke, or he's kind of stringing one joke to another, he can take like five minutes and he will not lose me. I don't know what it is. He cuts, he subscribes to that theory and I think it's 100% true that when you're not being funny as long as you're interesting, you're captivating to an audience. So you don't have to be getting a laugh at all moments as long as you're interesting.

You're saying something either interesting or you're, you know, he's such a master speaker that you'll follow him along on those moments where it's not comedy. Yeah. And so like he's mastered that like being this, it's like being a preacher almost, you know, like what he just is up there talking and you're, you're just kind of dialed into what he's saying. And then he goes back to jokes. You don't even remember that the last few minutes haven't been about something funny.

Do you realize how long and off tangent I could get if I had the Chappelle style? Like I'd just be like waxing poetically about fucking nothing. I don't read books. I don't watch documentaries. Yeah. You should start smoking cigarettes. I think that that that was a great idea. And you know, you see about where he's gone with them.

Why wouldn't you even try to smoke cigarettes? Don L. said, I said, Don L. You smoking, he goes, no, I've been around for a while. I said, what? And he goes, Dave, you're also smoking so many cigarettes. You want to quit smoking when you're around them. Yeah. I would love to smoke.

It's definitely dialed up. He thinks he has anxiety about like getting like smoking and all the fucking bad health things. I think he's all in on being a legend. Yeah, and I think he's just gonna deal with, he's, that smoking's gonna cost him at some point, but I think he's just like, okay with it. I mean, I fucking hold such a tight line.

He smokes so much, man. He does. And that one special who's vaping throughout it. Yeah, because they really wouldn't let him smoke there. That's what we'll. Yeah, yeah. That's why he had to vape. Where'd he do that?

Forget. He's been smoking, I feel like, in all of them now. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you see him vaping, it's because they were like, if you fucking light up a cigarette in this place, we're going to shut the lights off, you know. That's crazy. But he also smokes, I mean, he smokes in the hallways of the comedy store.

He smokes on stage, and they're like, you're not allowed to smoke here. And then he knows now that it's a flex, like a power move. He did it, I think, on SNL, where he, they're like, are you allowed to smoke? He's like, no, but who's going to tell me not to? How fucking great is that? It's like Stanhope brings his own bottle. He brings travels with his own booze. Cause he can't trust anybody.

Yeah. So he always just pulls a bottle of booze out of his jacket and pours a drink. And then like, you can't drink here. And he's like, okay. Yeah. Just makes cocktail. You should start doing that. I just quit drinking. Sunday.

Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. How long long you're gonna go without drinking now? Uh eight weeks. You're gonna not gonna drink for eight weeks. I'm gonna see What do you mean you're gonna see I'm gonna see I'm gonna I told I I'm not so the way this oh my god How's your vegetarian challenge going? It's going fucking awesome So it's been one day it's been one And? I made a brisket last night. I forgot we were doing it. And swordfish and brisket were dinner.

I made a 15 pound brisket last night. I'm trying to figure out who broke, who lost first. I had broccoli, by the way, I didn't, it would have been you because I didn't have, I had broccoli, by the way, I didn't, it would have been you because I didn't have, I had broccoli and a egg, a patty things and eggs for breakfast and then I didn't eat until nine o'clock at night, I had swordfish and brisket. Okay, so I think you got to buy the dandy suits. Okay, well let's wait until this economic downturn. Let's see if we can get dandy suits before.

Yeah, we could probably get quite a deal on them. Not everyone's going out buying Dandy suits. He imagined a non-essential business like that. Oh, they've got to be like, what are we gonna do? I can't figure this one out. Are you trying to support local businesses? I am, I'm worried about my sweatshop. My, or not sweatshop, it's called sweat. Sweat.

That's why they changed the name of it. It's sweat cycle. Oh. Yeah, I'm worried about sweat cycle. Actually, I'm going to, I should call Hannah Drake right now. Oh, I don't have a fucking number. I was going to tell her, because all these instructors, I should call Hannah Drake right now. Oh, I don't have a fucking number. I was gonna tell her, because all these instructors that I work there

are now kinda out of work. And it's impossible to get a job. And I was gonna try to tell them that what they should do is lean into a podcast or lean in to social media. And like, I mean, I would definitely listen to Hannah Drake. Hannah is the first, on the very first episode, she's the way the waitress that came in with the drinks. She's also my instructor for spin cycles,

where I go, sweat cycle, sweat cycle. But she has great playlist, she has great taste of music. So she put together a playlist and puts it on her Instagram. But what she should do is put them on a Spotify list so that people like me that are getting on a treadmill can let It's fun to listen to music when you don't know what comes up next. Yeah, and put together and do you want to go get donuts? Why I know just thinking of something to do. Yeah About my it Liam would be so mad at me if I'm not a lot of lead house except to see you. Oh, yeah

She has put me on strict lockdown. Strict lockdown. Yeah, because we asked it to the girls, because the girls wanted to go party. Party? No, like all their friends were off. They're like, I'm gonna, Georgia was like, I'm gonna go to Avis House for the weekend.

The lands like, they know. It would, by the way, if we were in high school, how great would this have been if you were like, oh, school's just over now? Shit. I would have been, and I hate to say this because I know that there are kids doing this. Yeah.

I would have been the kid going, but I can't get it. Fuck it. Yeah, of course. Fuck it. I'm partying balls. I'm going out in the boat. I'm going to fucking wake boarding. I'm drinking.

I'm fucking, who cares? Who cares? They had their tiffa, I would have been that kid. Yeah, of course. You'd be like, I don't care if I get you pregnant. We're all gonna die. Yeah. I mean, maybe I take that back because AIDS came out when I was a kid and I was terrified,

fucking terrified. Of getting AIDS? Yeah, back when we thought, uh, straight white dudes could get AIDS. Yeah. That's, I was terrified. Like, chronibolivant. I got drunk with a bunch of people from the CDC in Atlanta that came to my show at the Laughing Skold as a long time ago. And I said something about what diseases do we need to worry about like start?

We're just bullshit and and I said like and they I said something about AIDS and they all laughed at me One of the guys at the CDC drunk said do you know what we call a straight guy with AIDS? I said what and he goes a liar I went, holy shit. I was like, all I heard out of that was, I've been wearing condoms for nothing. Yeah. It's true. You don't need to wear them.

Dude, when I was, I mean, if, like, I'm not, not to like, this is where I spin off in my conspiracy theory. Yeah. But like, it would have decimated our friend population. Like, how many, how many kids did you go to high school that have AIDS that are straight? How many, oh, you mean to run through them right now? Yeah. None. Zero.

Like that question's ridiculous. Yeah. Zero. Like how many of your friends from high school that are straight have AIDS? None. And but they told you as a kid you're gonna get AIDS. Yeah. And it's not like it's not like the day of a wheel of an AIDS patient in your school. No we did. We had one. Oh I'm gonna top this, but I'm dying to hear this story. Well, they were like, you need to go to the auditorium, and we went to the auditorium, and there's just like a lady sitting on stage,

it's kind of like downtrodden, we're like, what is this? They don't even tell us what's happening. And then, they're like, okay, we got, this is a special speaker, and blah, blah, blah, blah, we got this is a special speaker. And, you know, blah, blah, blah, we're still like, you know, listening kind of zoning out. And they're like, and you know, she's got something really important to tell you guys. And we're like, okay. And then she's like, my name, I forget her name. And she goes, and I have AIDS. And everybody was like, what? Because we'd never heard anything like that.

And then she went on to tell us that she got it, I think from a blood transfusion, and that her T cell count was down to like 30 or something. Oh blood transfusion, she was like shit. She's like, I'm gonna die soon. Oh. And gave us this whole, and of course it was so somber, it was so depressing.

And then yeah, not long later they've made it, they announced they let us know they're like, And gave us this whole and of course it was so somber it was so depressing and then Yeah, not long later. They made it they announced they let us know they're like she died and everybody's like okay cool And they're like so don't get AIDS They brought it us in 10th grade Mm-hmm and they brought in a TV in the religion class and we're like sweet and And they brought in a TV in the religion class and were like sweet And there was the best when they wheel in the TV. Oh wheel in the TV Mr. Mercundante puts in the tape hits play and he's like gentlemen This is a third trimester abortion and walks out of the room

And we're like and we watch a full Third trimester abortion where they broke apart the baby pulled out pulled out the body parts What's crazy is that you know gallows humor? We're a bunch of boys all boys Catholic high school They show a pussy and we go fucking bananas. Yeah, like we see a chicks pussy and we're like oh Shit, oh shit, and then they go in it. We're like oh god This is gonna get and then an arm comes out. we're like, oh God, this is gonna get. And then an arm comes out, we're like, what the fuck? They broke apart that baby piece by piece and they showed us that whole fucking thing.

All right. God damn, man. Yeah. And then they put it back in and put it back together. Fuck. I had to form my personality somehow. I'm sure that did something, dude. They bring up, they bring in dudes into our chapel

and they give a speech. My name's Dave, I'm 22 years old and I was driving down the causeway drunk, going the wrong way and I killed a whole family. And I'm here to talk to you about drinking and driving and all this or like, yeah, we're not fucking assholes, Dave. We have a couple drinks and drive, fucking Jesus. I remember that they brought in a coach,

a college basketball coach, and he gave a speech, it was a good speech, I forget, but it was some type of motivational, he was a good speaker. And then I found out that they paid him like $10 or $20,000 for that, and I was like, what? Whoa. And this was not a, here's the thing. It wasn't a big time like top tier coach

But that is part of if you're in that you know job lane that is there's the speaking market and you go and you you know You get hired to do these things and I was like Jesus Christ and then years later When I started doing stand-up My the school reached out to me and I remembered that. And I was like, yeah, you got to pay up. And they were like, well, you're an alum, so can you give us a discount?

And I was like, no. And then they go, oh, well, then, I guess we won't do it. Oh, I speak on my high school in a second. Oh, yeah. But maybe you like them. No, no, this is what I do. I said, I't do it. Oh, I speak on my high school in a second. Oh, yeah. I go this way. Maybe you like them. No, no, this is what I do. I said, I speak there.

And then I go faculty, priests, get outside, lock the doors. And I would give these boys a lesson in fucking life. What were you telling them? I tell them number one, fuck school. Find out what you want to do and do it and love it. Dude, I wish someone had told me about comedy so much more I like this was the hardest part about taking this time off is that I don't feel like I Feel put upon because I love what I do I will I would work you know

I work every single weekend. I can yeah, I love doing comedy It's the best and the fact that it's taken away from me makes me like, I was so deflated when we were in New Orleans and they were, they came in the bus and they were like, have we pulled the shows? I was so fucking deflated and I felt so depressed for like the next three days I couldn't get out of it. I was like, I was like, so what am I supposed to do? Yeah, that's the whole new reality for us.

But every kid in that room should find that thing they love to do. If it's video games, collecting baseball cards, whatever it is, if you love it, you're gonna fucking succeed at it. If you love it. You gotta pursue it. You gotta pursue it.

I mean, I talk about it in that new special. Really? I do, yeah, I'm serious. Really? Because I talk about it because I talk about the fact that we meet a lot of people and it started to bum me out to meet people that go, oh yeah, man, this is the highlight of my life because my

life sucks, so I'll be like, what the fuck man? And then they go like, you know, yeah, I hate what I do. And you're like, well, why are you doing that? So it just became like a theme to build off of. But yeah, I believe in that. That I mean, it's something that everybody kind of knows, but for some reason they don't buy into. But it is true that if you really pursue work in a passion space, like something you're passionate about,

it becomes like the best thing ever. Yeah, even if all of us became like, that they don't realize that like, we were obsessed with doing stand-ups. Obsessed and broke. Yes, we were obsessed and broke. That's the thing you stay in it forever because your obsession necessitates that you do it.

You know, like you have to do. I didn't have a choice. I don't have a choice. I don't get to. But I don't want to give a discount to my fucking school. Okay. That's not about loving or not loving standard performance. I fuck you.

I paid full tuition. Why the hell do I have to give you a discount? We had our baseball team. We played, we used to play alumni's. They were just local guys that used to play for the baseball team and then our team at the time would play them. So one guy was a baker, I think, or like a electrician. It was like every one of them was like, he's a cop, he's a firefighter. He's a baker, he's a electrician.

And as before becoming a baker was an artisanal thing. It was like, you just were a baker. And I remember being on stealing second base and I was talking to the guy and I wanted to say he was a baker and I said I said so He was like covering the bag and I go so what do you do for a living and he goes I'm a baker I said do you like what you do and he goes fuck no, and I went oh yeah, it's horrible And I was I remember looking at it's horrible to feel that way yeah And I remember looking at all the guys that we were playing against and I was, I remember looking at it. I mean, it's horrible to feel that way. Yeah, and I remember looking at all the guys

that we were playing against. And I was like, oh, they all, at that, those guys all hated their jobs. They used to be the mandate. And now you look at it and you're like, oh, kids, I would tell that to everyone. Find the thing you love to do. I also feel like there's such a great,

I mean, this is a personality type thing. Yeah. But working for yourself. Like, if I didn't have comedy and you go, like, what would you be doing? I would go, well, I would find some business that it's, the business is, I can do it. You know what I mean?

That's what I love about this era is, you know, what were you talking about sneakers earlier? And like, you can, you can buy a bunch of sneakers and do an online thing and, you know, have them auctioned and sell them direct. Like that type of thinking and the work is what I would pursue if I wasn't doing comedy. I would try to make a living not going to an office. Oh, I wouldn't go to an office.

It's funny, I'm a kid who said he wanted to be a YouTube star. A YouTube? A YouTube star, a YouTube star. And then you see that and you're like, you're like, wow, that's silly. And then I put up YouTube videos that I edit. And it's so much fun. And then I go, well, fucking why wouldn't you just

get better at it? Absolutely. That fucking Logan Paul kid, man. I don't know, he's got to be dialed in. I watched a couple of his videos because Joe was talking about him. Yeah. And they've really moved fast.

And I was like, this is what he is doing. He knows what the fuck he's doing. And he's got me like, I'm watching, I watch him get knocked out and then wrestler dude, and I was like, he's living his dream. He's living his best life. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'd be a person. What was I gonna mention to you? Fucking forgot. I mentioned to you, fucking forgot. I just remembered, I fucking forgot, I was gonna ask you something. Type O positive, type O. Type O positive.

I don't think, whatever. Oh, this is the last thing I wanted to say. Last thing. Well, no, no, we're not done, but I would just, I remember this from earlier that I wanted to say, is that right now, like, there's different levels to this and it affects these differently,

like during this quarantine, I don't know if the stuff's gonna be where we are now in a few days when this comes out, but there's things you can do, you know, I try to support some local businesses. Oh, that's what we were talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, my best. The first thing I mentioned you,

and like for instance, there's pickup, dine out,ying out food right now you can order especially from a small place and Ordering that food and if you can't afford to to tip them like you're you're keeping somebody else like you're helping them out Yeah, but I also feel like you know like one thing like I have a regular guy that picks me up from my airport runs Yeah And I called him today just to check on him. And I think that that's something that everybody can do is like check on people right now. You know what I mean? People that you normally see wherever, I don't know, like in your day to day, strolling

around or, you know, a local business, like even if you can't financially support them, you can check on them, you know? You can call them. I think it helps. Yeah, I think what else, I think another them, you can check on them, you know, you can call them. I think it helps. Yeah, I think what else, I think another thing I was thinking today is like, there's a lot of our friends in the business who, you know, like us a couple of years ago were just doing clubs, just doing clubs,

and they have podcasts and what I think what a lot of us should do is volunteer, like go, hey man, let me get on your podcast, let's blow your numbers up and try to boost your podcast so we can get you advertising. That's a good idea. Because I think there's a lot of like, there's a lot, I mean, there's a lot, and within our own community that we're,

I think we're gonna be obligated to do. Look at all those servers, all those fucking dormant, all those people that just, their salaries go, they're gonna be hurting. Of course. I mean, we should definitely, I don't know. I think one of the things you say. I don't know.

You know what we should do? We should do a fucking live podcast out of the store. No audience in there. Do a live podcast and bring all our friends on one by one and do a fundraiser, put up a GoFundMe. And be like, if you were in the middle of the country, you're in West Virginia and you're not affected at all, but you love podcasts, you love comedy.

Just all you do, throw five bucks at the GoFundMe. And then build a GoFundMe and then take that and disperse it across all these clubs in LA of all the servers. Well, I can already tell you how people will try to attack that idea. No, because I know what's gonna happen, people will go, like, well, you're talking about the servers, but I'm struggling too.

And it's like, I understand that like a lot of people are struggling significantly during this time because it's basically like an economy shutting down. I think what, but what Bert's saying is that if you're in a position where you can, look, it doesn't have to be comedy related. It can be like a server, a bartender, somebody with a completely different job who is now in a shitty place. You know, you can reach out and you can... Bar-tenders, man, they've shut and bars down everywhere.

That's what I'm saying. It's everywhere. So if you're in a position to financially help somebody, you can do that, but also, like if you're not, it doesn't mean you can't just, you know, reach out to people. And be cognizant of how you represent yourself on social media and the life you're living

if you're a young person, because there are people that are on your social media, that are your friends that are fucking struggling, that have lost everything and don't have a way to pay rent this month. And if you're at a beach party in balls because, I mean, that's what I just, like, you're saying what don't depict that? Don't like be, just be cognizant that you may be rubbing in, it into someone else.

Yeah, that's actually not bad advice, man. I tried to throw it while I was giving to me by Leanne when I said we should go skiing. She was like, she was like, I'm not going fucking skiing with you. Like I go, well, no, let's go to Canada, we'll go to BAMP, we'll fucking get the fuck out, we'll drive up,

and take the tour bus, so I'm still gonna tour bus for a ton of time, two months. Oh right, you're already paid for it, right? Yeah, yeah. And I almost feel badly about a Ferrari the other day, and I was posting this photo. I feel like I feel like I go, how can I, what if I just sent Ron on the road in my tour bus to go help people? I go, hey Ron, I got a job for you. I'm paying everyone, can we go and get out?

Go it out, yeah. But yeah, I don't look, by the way, I don't know anything I'm talking about. So no listening to me about any of this fucking talk. That kind of advice is very true. Never listen to Bert on anything. Yup. And then having said that, definitely watch

Tom Sigerus special, Ball Hog. Ball Hog, it should be streaming now or very soon if you're watching this the moment it comes out. Thanks everybody. I had a really an amazing I will say this sincerely had a great time on that tour It was the highlight of my career thus far and shooting that was an amazing experience. So thank you everybody I hope you enjoy it. What's the one joke? What's the one joke that would make you make your like heart swell if people are like dude I love that dot dot dot joke Man can I tell you I'll tell you my two while I let you think yeah

Yeah, yeah, go ahead and tell me if this doesn't Fucking ring very true to this podcast. Okay The one about the black guy and Hitler From my special. Yeah, it was it it was, when you got to say that, it was like, it was those, those are the two. You're like, I love your Hitler joke. I'm like, thank you. That's, I guess you definitely watched the special

and then this black star box. Yeah, for me, I would say the gypsy, the woman at the bar. I can't wait. We're tangin' my dad. wait. Who's hanging my dad? Who's hanging my dad? Yeah. Yeah. Those are the ones that probably tickled me.

Should I live stream watching your special? I would love that. Okay. All right, I'll put it on. Hey, let's do this. Yeah, let's do this. Next week, at the same time. No, no, no.

I say we do, when your special comes out, I say for promotion, we, can we do it here? We live stream where we set up for all our fans. We're going to watch it together. Yeah. And I watch your special. Yeah. And then you watch my, you've already seen my specials so that I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah companion. That's funny. It's a funny idea. Yeah. And we should do stuff like that. We should do a fight.

Actually, we could do it for that, which is a great idea. And we could do it for TV shows, movies. We could do it with anything. Oh, I would love that. Yeah. I would love what we should do is we should watch it. And so that you're not watching the whole special. We should watch it.

And then I'll pull out my five favorite clips. And then we'll watch that clip, I'll tell you why I loved it and then you tell me how you wrote it. Okay. And then we don't even need to be five. I bet it could be like three and three. Yeah. And we'll each do that.

Maybe we'll do that on the next two bears one cave. We can probably set that up. What do you think, Dadav? Yeah, I think we can set something like that. Yeah. We'll each pick our two or three favorite bits from each other's specials. Okay.

We'll watch it live, we'll giggle, maybe we'll get high, and then we'll pick, then you can tell me how it started, how you wrote it, and everything about like your process. It's a great idea. That's a great idea. Let's come in next on Two Bears One Cave next week. We're here next week, right?

We should be. Yep, let's do it. We got nothing else to do. Go to Netflix, hey big boy, and then ball hog, they're both streaming love you. I love you too. Bye guys. Bye guys. and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call,

screwdriver's one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur, for topology, dirty jokes, rancher humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, screwdriver's one cave. you