2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 23 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

The 2 Bears are back in the Cave this week for ANOTHER extra episode to help you stay safe at home! First, remember to check out Bert Kreischer's special "Hey Big Boy" and Tom Segura's special "Ball Hog" on Netflix now! The bears start off with sharing a drinking game someone made on Bert's podcast habbits called "Bertus Interruptus." Can you survive it? Then Tom shares his story behind his new "Wash Your Hands" merch and the story of contacting the widow of the famed "Wood" who most of you have seen via text messages. Bert talks about his recent trip to the dentist and how much of an emergency his root canal was. He was sleeping with RAW ONIONS in his mouth! All new teeth for Berty Boy? Then Tom and Bert trade stories about getting fired (which makes Bert LOSE CONTROL) , sleeping around in their early days, and how good Bert is at listening/acting.

Start, start, start, start, start, start the show. Start the show. This, this, this, this, this, it, it is. This, this, this, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it It's not cool to say Jews are weak. I have a little compact. Oh, we're on. Hey, welcome to another episode of Two Bears 1K. I really said that. You really did. What's going to dobs from Israel we were joking. I don't think all Jews are weak. I think the dobs weak. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha He's one of you said he's one of the sneaky ones that survived

No, not you did no oh you said the sneaky one survived I mean what you were we're gonna do with that this is the only podcast that starts off zero to a hundred every fucking time Hey, man every fucking time. Hey, man, every fucking time. You're the throttle, dude. I'm the throttle. Yeah. What are you, the clutch? I will.

You're curious. Ah, welcome to 2 Bears 1 K. He's burnt. I'm Tom. He's got a special that is currently trending in the top 10 in the US on Netflix. Please watch a special ball hog and then you will see underneath when you're done. You may also like secret, no, hey big boy. My special, my special, hey big boy,

was streaming last week and it got bumped off by some fucking fat fuck. They're like, there's not two, there's not room in up here. To be fair, it's not top five. It's top five. So, mine was top 10. No, top 10, top 10. No, top 10.

No, it is, go ahead, please watch our specials. Yeah, please watch our specials. Watch our new ones and then watch our back catalog. Yeah, don't forget, there's other specials. And then do this and obviously if you're a fan of the show, word of mouth is a huge fucking thing. Do me a favor, do me a solid favor. Text your friends, you know when those group chats,

you got your cool friends. Text your friends where you got the guys who party at five o'clock and text start texting the fucking pictures of Wood with the big dick. Text them and say, hey, check out Burton Tom Special. That'll mean a lot better. Are you blown away that I got in touch with his family? I'm sorry.

I did not know that. Yeah. So I want to know everything. I want to know everything about this man. Okay. And end with how he died. Okay. So I, he grew up, I'm gonna, like,

I want to, I want to, this is a perfect time to do this. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, So we got his email this week, Tom. I need some help.

I have created a monster. I started a drinking game called Bertis Interruptus. We watch any Bert podcast and take a drink any time he does the following. For one drink, this is one drink. Number one, if he interrupts anyone. Number two, we have a drink anytime he touches his face, nose, ears or ears. Number two, we have a drink any time he touches his face, nose, ears, or ears.

Number three, asks the question, then changes a subject to a story about himself. Number four, any mispronunciation. Number five, any utterance of Mickey Manel. First of all, the next tier is two drinks. Anytime he tells a story, only to interrupt himself and then tells another story and forgets the first story. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the story that has nothing to do with the question. Who is this guy? He's one of the most shit. We also have two drinks anytime he touches his toes or smells his fingers. We got so fucking hammered.

I may have to rethink the rules. Any suggestions, patent pending, Roger? Oh, Roger, you are a fucking genius. Wow. God, man, I touch my toes. You know what another thing I do a lot is You'll see it. I grab my fingers a lot like this. These are things I notice and if you watch you on Rogan I'm constantly playing with the cord. I'm constantly tangling and untangling the cord Just a point out in the last 15 seconds. That's like six drinks. Oh, yeah, based on those rules. Yeah, yeah

Wait, tell me everything. I wanna go see. Ah. Let's call for a way for you to tell. I know. Why don't you put a panel right here? We should. That would be like, and no one can see it, could you, Nidav?

A panel in between us? Yes. You should, like a big, a big like, like a, like a, like a, like a panel. Oh yeah, no, no, I can see that Yeah, like they do like they do when you when you when you tame tigers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, have you? You get ready Roger. Have you ever seen how they do that? So one time I was when I was working for FX You were working with tigers and what they do is

Yeah, they get the panel right here. So it's like it's like crystal clear Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah that in the hangover? I'm just guessing. Oh. This is a guest. That seems, that should be another category for drinking on a birth podcast.

Is it any time I can be your information that is not actually entirely true? Sam Cook got killed while raping a woman. I'm not sure that's accurate. My dad told me that when I was a kid. Listening to Sam Cook, who were driving down the street, listening to the,

the guy, no, is chemistry, you know that song? And got a band, biology, and then my dad goes, the other man was killed, rapin' a woman in a hotel, and I went, I was like, 10,

and I was like, really? He's like, yeah, hell of a way to go. Pass down, shot him. So wow. So then, cut to go. Pants down, shot him. So wow. So then cut to, I'm in college, and they're talking about Sam Cook, the Rolling Stone article guys next to me.

And we're in an English class, someone's bring up Sam Cook. I go, little footnote about Sam Cook, killed raping a woman in a hotel, pants around his feet, hell of a way to go. And the Rolling Stone guy guy goes the fuck I'm actually not sure if that's true are we playing the game yet let's go back to wood let's go back to you you did remember would yeah I want to go back to when I want to talk about wood his

names would so if you don't know well well well yeah yeah yeah I mean that's that's the name let's his stage name hold on. Let me guess. It's got to be Anthony Joseph or Robert. No, it's a, it's an unusual name. Uh oh. It's Wardie. Wardie? Yeah. W A R D Y. Short for Warden. I don't know. Wardie, Joe, Ber the third. Wow. Okay. So he was born in, he was born in Ohio, Alabama. Mississippi. Well, he lived in Northern California. Oh, that is not at all what I thought. Yeah. Oh, it's great. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah. Okay, keep going. So. Did you tell this on Rogan's podcast? I told a bit of it, but I mean. Then take your time with it. Yeah.

And then clip this out and this is one of the most, this guy, I had a bit about him when I was doing my new hour, this now gonna be scrapped, cause I got all you got to do. I don't think it's gonna be scrapped. I do. Here's why, by the end of this, when the road, when the era was back on the road,

like everyone has seen or heard about him, seen these texts, it's gonna resonate more, man. Christina was the first person to send that text. To you. Literally, the first, one of the first group of people to get that text out. It was sent to her by Josh Adam Myers.

He's been at the forefront of this for, he's been relentless. Josh Adam Myers has been sending me text with this every day. Oh. New ones, like all the new ones. Jerriguan, he does all of them. And the statue of Liberty, the, you see the video one where they put the, the sock they're watching us like a World Cup match.

And then they put the Trump talking about. This is a big package. It's a unique package. And then they got back it. And the audience is like, so, so wait, so Christina sent it to Leanne. And we talked about this on this podcast. Yeah.

And it was a murderous bit on stage, but not everyone knew who he was. Right. And so I think it was a visual, but I think it'll change, you're right. It's gonna change. So, so, and the great thing is, what you have to do when you tell it,

when you go back, is not explain too much who he is, because so many people will know, but it's like, It'll be a more quick, quick, right? Yes. And I think I'll be able to do the punches. So, so we all started, if you are, what somebody's not aware, people have been sending,

I'm sure, you know, texts to each other. I did talk to, I did talk to a reporter the other day who I was telling the story to, and I was like, cause you know, those, those texts were like, the big black guy with his huge cocks, and she goes, I don't know what you're talking about. And I go, everyone's getting them, she goes, I have none. Certain people do not text like that.

Yeah, I go, well, the whole thing is that it's a, it's always supposed to be a misdirect, right? That's how it started. It started. It started as a test positive for HR for coronavirus. Yeah. And then you, you use that to me, and I clicked it, and then it's it's wood.

It's a, yeah, and it's basically it's, you know, you misdirect by sending information, and it's basically it's um you know you misdirect by sending information and there's a hidden link and when you hit the link instead of reading whatever article you see a really big black dude sitting on the edge of a bed with a really 270 black cock with a fucking hammer yeah like I mean it's a fucking anaconda it's it's Georgia showed it to the kids on our softball team and they're like we need to get one of those for the on deck circle. Yeah. It's like you imagine that that would just actually damage you but. So uncircumcised by the way. Yeah. It's really something. So anyways we keep getting those texts.

Every day it's like almost something I look forward to. Like oh yeah. How will it be disguised? You know, I'm saying there's like almost something I look forward to like oh, yeah, how are we? Be disguised you know, I mean there's like the new Rams logo. They did it with a new Rams logo I saw I'm on Mount Rushmore the statue of Liberty. Oh, there's one where a Kid is like in somewhere in Asia and is like on a chalkboard and they're drawing him instead of like they superimposed that, you know, just all this great Photoshop stuff. Anyway, I was curious, like, who is this dude? And I was trying to find him. I couldn't find anything. And then, obviously, enough people got curious, started to be like, articles written about him. And then I saw that TMZ posted

an article and they're like, sad news, that guy in all those texts you're getting has died. And they interviewed the photographer who took that photo. So the photographer took that photo. A guy named Walter was like, oh, he didn't know about it until the interviewer for TMZ told him. And he was like, well, I'm sad that his image is being used that way. Like, he was kind of serious about it.

Oh, hold on. I put a pen in that. Yeah. His intended use was to... For dudes, he's the jack off to it. Yeah. What a fucking cut. No, he's a nice guy.

God forbid this takes some light out of a really serious subject of saddest being used that way. I intended this for dudes really into black men. The big dicks to jack off to. I mean, that was my intended use. Fucking jackass. Well, I think he just didn't, he interpreted the information as this guy who's no longer with us is being,

I think he proceeded as being made a mockery of, you know. Not at all. Yeah. I think anyone that saw that dick was like, fucking all praise the law. Well, yeah, well I saw that. I mean, it really makes you feel. You'll never forget that guy's face for as long as you live.

No, no, no. Shout out to that photographer. It's an amazing picture. And if anybody told you in your life that you have a big dick, you don't. That's what you learn when you look at that photo, you know? Hey, by the way, I am definitely recreating that picture with my real dick putting an alineapal fools.

Oh, you should. And just my real dick. Sit on the edge of the bed. So anyways, I see this article and it says, oh, these people are selling merch with his image on it. Oh, I saw that like bar stool, the boob eyeball. So, I mean, those are the exact ones, but yeah.

Yeah, so I see that article, and it says he goes, you know, he's the, he owns the image. That's one thing that for sure, he owns that image. He goes, so technically everybody basically owes him a licensing fee. Yeah, once again, cool guy. As opposed to wood who should own the image. Cool guy photographer owns one.

But no, all photographers would. All, not, yeah, you can buy them back You can buy them back photographers can be absolute fucking constant they can I've made it to total fucking cuts And then there's cool ones and then there's cool ones like Troy Conrad so like Troy Conrad Yeah, every time he takes a picture hits you up here you go man Yeah, and if you pay him to go down the road with them those who yours now use them as much as great He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great.

He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great.

He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great.

He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. He's great. did. Like I would be like, that's my photo, I own that. How about the money comes to me, okay? Of course, yeah, I can't help it. That's actual business. So I read the article and I go, okay, here's, I go, this guy's made me laugh so much.

And I go, I'm gonna create merch. I have a merch business and I'm gonna find his family and give them the profit. So I immediately call my shirt guy and I go, put his face on it and I was just trying to think of a phrase like what would be the thing? Because you can't go like hardcore with the phrase, and I go, oh, I know it should be, wash your hands, right?

Because that's the thing. So we threw up a shirt called, wash your hands with his face on it. Which it's very simple Jesus I know he's weak fingers There it is It's great, right? It's awesome. It looks like Michael Jordan, but it's awesome Looks like crying Jordan

It looks like crying Jordan. It's not looking like crying. From here it does. And who the fuck's your model? Jesus Christ. They work at the fucking sweatshirt. Jesus. So anyways, I- You reach out to the family.

Well here's the thing. I put, I want to get that out there. I put it up. It starts selling. He calls me. He's like, this thing is on fire. He's like people are selling, are buying this shit crazy right now. I go, great. I need to find the fit.

So, I reach out to TMZ myself, like on their website. Nothing. Nobody ever gets back to me. It's been like five days. They don't, they never got back to. So, I call my manager and I go, TMZ is kind of like ISIS. They've got these splinter cells that don't really connect with the other ones, but they're all got the same.

Well, I realized I wasn't giving them a tip. I was like, can you help me find someone? And they were like, nope. So anyways, my manager got the photographer's number like immediately. So I got in touch with him. Was he cool? He was super cool.

And then I told him what I was doing. He didn't mention it, but I think so. He didn't bring it up. He didn't bring it up. I mean, hold on didn't bring it up. He didn't bring it up. I mean, hold on one second. I was just getting fun talking to this guy. He was like, my cock was throbbing so hard during this photo shoot.

I was like, I had a problem. So he ended up giving me. By the way, shout out to the photographer where he's in San Francisco. Yeah. Hey, wow, that was a stab in the dark. Yeah. I will totally do that exact same photo shoot with you.

Just hit me up. I'm sure he's dying to do it. So he takes pictures of like muscle bears with huge cax. Okay. And there's a difference because. So I get in touch with this lady that I find her and I go via an online, right? I don't have her number, I just message her and I go, I, via online, right? I don't have her number. I just, I message her

and I go, hey, so this is what's going on. I got your information from this photographer and she tells me she goes, it has been an overwhelming day. I didn't know about that photo thing till today. So she's like, I didn't even know that that's how people are texting each other and I was like, oh shit. And she tells me she's like, I would have been great if you were the one that to tell her. You're like, hey, I got your number from this drug, and she's like, and your brother is like, he's passed and you're like, well, he had a big dick.

She's like, I didn't know that. Well, boy do I have a story to tell you. No, she was actually super sweet. Let me tell you what your number, Let me text you a link to the She goes she goes She goes I'm hoping that She's like he had kids and I don't want them to see it and I gotta tell you something They probably saw it. Yeah, I go this thing is like viral like a lot. He's the face of the coronavirus

Well, he's I only saw it. I go, this thing is like viral, like a lot. He's the face of the coronavirus. He's the face of the coronavirus. He's the face of the coronavirus. He's the face of the joke of the coronavirus. He is when I remember coronavirus. Yeah, you'll be like, then. When they teach our grandchildren coronavirus, they're going to show a picture of him. Probably. Just so you know, this was the text all of you got.

Well, she said, you know, she goes it was She goes he was a really really sweet. This is fiance. So his fiance and you talked to his fiance or sister his fiance Yeah, his fiance and she was like it was She goes it was really unexpected that he died. He died heart attack. Yeah inner inner arms at home in 2016 he died and she goes, a news order. Yeah, there's a go fund me that was still active or still up and I don't think it's working

because I tried to, I posted it, everyone's like, I can't donate. So I reached out to her, but I'm still giving her all the shirt proceeds. So I was like, oh, fuck yeah. It's gonna be, you know, thousands of dollars. That's great. So I'm sure she could use it in this time. Well, not only that, it's that she goes, you know, he's, he's buried on a plot with his,

like his mother and some, and what, how's that funny? What's the funny part what I'm just imagining the gravesites and there's just a huge lump This is for a dick. I'm so sorry. This mountain is his cock. I could not think about it. I have to talk to her later, man. Don't show her this. I'm not, you can't help,

I understand he's also a person, but he's bigger than a person right now. He's a fucking face of like, he's a text everyone's gotten. You're not getting it, dude. What am I not getting? There's a separate casket for his cock. Grrrr.

I have a little baby casket. I had to bury him on his side because they were afraid that it would fucking unearth. Like fucking night of the living dead. Grrrr. Yeah, that's a big guy. It's a horrible day 2016 has been a while, but here's here's the thing On the family plot everyone has a tombstone but him and they haven't been able to to buy for it So hopefully this money will pay for it. That's it

What what is going to be on the tombstone it's gonna be Good What I'm not just making jokes. I know what did you become the joke police? It's gonna be good. What? I'm not just making jokes. I know. When did you become a joke police? I'm not the joke police. Make all the jokes you want. It was about horse goats, you be giggling.

No, it's always different though when you talk to somebody. When you talk to someone, I haven't talked to her. I haven't talked to this photographer, so I have no attachment. Just like anyone watching you, like, yeah, whatever. But I think I. I would be it's like how meeting porn stars ruins everything for you, you know Yeah, I go like oh you're a person and you have a life, you know, you're not this So so how like she should be getting tons of fucking money because I think her thing is yeah But no, I don't think any of them are gonna send it to her So I got a socks. Yeah, how many kids he got? I don't know she goes it was unexpected and also he wasn't a regular

Model that did that for a living. He she's like he did that during a really Dark time in his life. He was gonna. He was gonna lose his house So he did it to make money really takes the fun out of this. Yeah, I know Well, I guess maybe you shouldn't have called Hey guys, this is two bears one cave. I hope you're having a good time My buddy no me bummer. No, no, no, no But here's the thing I wanted to tell you if you want to if you can you get that shirt All the profit will go. So yeah guys want to, if you can, you get that shirt, all the profit will go.

So yeah, guys, go to Tom's. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Also, people have asked me a lot. Did she know his dick was that big? I didn't say, did you ever notice how big his dick was? I mean, that had to be some, that is such a massive, that's got to get in your way. Yeah, that's a problem. It's got to be a fucking like no bike rides gets caught in the chain.

Well, she said that that's what she goes. That's why he got into powerlifting was that he was struggling to walk around with that thing. So he was lifting weights. He's a he's a in shape looking dude. Like he's a good looking. He's a big dude yeah big loud strong dude um what a fucking clock how big is it can you pull it up there so we can just see it real quick how big was did she didn't say how tall he was no it didn't get it was a tall man he looks like he's about six three six four we didn't get into stats you know there we go but let's who's dick look at this look just look at him Yeah, what was that to say? I got a big dick

If you think this forearm's big Yeah Hey, did you hear the did you hear the the black guys on the stoop in Brooklyn fighting with the cops? Did you hear the the black guys on the stoop in Brooklyn fighting with the cops recently? Oh, no The cops is just them talking shit and then the automatic go-to is take that badge off and we'll see what happens Yeah, and they're like take that badge off the cops like fuck you mother fucker And they're like no fuck you take your badge off bitch and the cops are walking away and there's Asian cop just comes in and goes hey guys calm down. They're like, take a walk Jackie Chan. And Jackie Chan was trending yesterday because of this.

Because of that? Because of this. It was, yeah, did you see that? Never mind. Don't, you the slowest person to bring it stuff up and adopt. How long does it take you to jerk off? No, it's, it's fucking ridiculous.

Like he literally goes, bad news bears. Did you start you know about the bad news bears? Yeah, no. Next week he'll be like, do you wanna see the Brooklyn thing? Yeah. Who's that patent? Yeah, that was. What was that?

That's his dick, Jesus Christ. I bet patent's got a hog. You think so? I bet. I bet he'd be a fun guy to be quarantined with. If you had to be quarantined with one celebrity, who would it be with? Who would you wanna be with? I think patent would be a fun guy to be quarantine with. If you had to be quarantine with one celebrity, who'd it be with? Who would you want to be with?

I think Pat would keep it fun, and you'd also learn something. He's really smart, he's well read, and he might even like, let's read this book and then talk about it in an hour. Who would you not want to be quarantined with? Quarantweened with? Quarantweened.

Have another drink. I would not want to be quarantined. I bet Marron would be a long quarantine. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, the thing is that I want to share this avocado. Okay. He would also get so bothered by you so quickly. I would drive more immediately. He would just be like, are you like this all the time man?

Jim, do you ever stop? Yeah. Enough. Enough. Okay, Bart. Fucking he would just be like are you like this all the time man Jim ever stop? Yeah enough enough okay, Bert Jim Jeffries Jim Jeffries would be a fun quarantine definitely Anthony just only just drinking by himself this entire quarantine. He said that so he said on his Twitter that made me so fucking excited I haven't had I drank with Joe and smoked with Joe, but I haven't drank all what am I touching my fucking? No, you said I haven't had and then you're like I drink I smoked I did all this stuff two days ago One those two days ago, but whatever it doesn't count a drink all day though. You did oh, yeah, I drank all day

Drink with Joe and I was like I'm gonna keep it on pace, but yeah, I drank all day. Let me drink in there water Oh, I'm I'm on a mox. You are? Yeah, I'm a fucking hard court. Do that? My we were talking about this earlier you want to talk about Scary you know I've had a problem with my teeth my whole fucking life Dude, I want to hear wait wait. I'm gonna change the subject on you. Okay, put a pin in this Let's talk right about this because I we were just talking about merch and I just got my train of thought back the hats are in route right now So everybody asked about the two bears one cave. Yeah So they're not, they're being shipped right now. So they'll be up.

These are limited run. Eliminated run. This is it. Maybe it'll be in the store by the time this airs, but just so you know. Can you, can people order them? You should put them up on the website now. They'll be on the website.

And they are size tats. They're size tats, yeah, fit it. So these are a size limited run. So if you size seven through, I think everything through eight, you know? Yeah, so if you're size eight, fucking jump on that shit now. I've got my two. I love that hat, I wear it everywhere. And everyone's always like, what a badass hat.

Yeah, it's dope. Oh yeah, whatever. It's dope, it's dope. All right, back to what you were saying. So, oh, your teeth. So, you've always, like, you said that, here's the thing. I was busting your balls about your chick wits and then you You were like oh, I've had I didn't I didn't know you had any dental issues

Then you started to tell us your dental history But then on top of all your crazy dental history how I asked you like oh, well, what was the last time you went and you're like I don't know 10 years ago. It was nine it was been nine years It was nine years last and then what prompted you to finally go now? So I was with you guys last week. I was with when I did this with you guys, I said I'm having a nice stretch, remember? And I said, I and Lee are chewing on the other side

of your mouth. I'm only chewing on one side of my mouth. This side was like in so much pain. And I said to Lee and I was like, can you look in my mouth and tell me something's going on? I love my wife. But there's something about her. She doesn't have the preeningness about her.

Like the part where you go, hey, I got like something on my back. Can you take a look at it? And she goes, oh hold on, let me get my glasses. Let me get it. Oh my God, I'm gonna pop this. That's not Leanne. Yeah.

She didn't do that at all. And so with my tooth, she was like, it's like, I don't know, I can't see it. I can't see it That's that by the way it sounds exactly like my wife and it makes me so mad I'm like I'm like well take a second slow down find a way to see it. Yeah, cuz it's hurting me really bad And I would love to know what's going on just trim my fucking neck or shape my fucking asshole Yeah, and so that was I'd had she she won't do anything like that She won't cut my toenails like anything she'll cut the girls toenails and I'll go hey do mine

She's like no you do yours and I go we know you're already cutting toenails like I just do it Yeah, it's fun to have someone cut your toenails. She's like no you do I'm not cutting your toenails And it's almost like like a subservient thing. Yeah, I go hey like I have You go like do you like the house you fucking live in? Oh. It by the way, you're likely in. You're going with her? Like one time she was like,

I remember being a pain in my belly button. This is right when we moved into the house right now. And I said, what do you mean? She goes, something's all going on with the belly. It's like it hurts. So I go in and there was like this chunk of dried skin dirt and I like got tweezers and pull, I put my glasses on.

I got a flashlight. I throw up. Dude, it was so fucking awesome. Leanne used to have this little hole on her face. She's gotten it removed and there's now a scar. Dude, if you look at an older picture of Leanne, she had a legit dilated pore, a hole on on her face a hole right here. What happened? zoom in it's see how close she can zoom in on her face

It's on her it's it's on her left side or her left. Yeah, that's side that side zoom in she's to have this hole in her face and I fucking loved it I loved it more than anything because she used to have this hole in her face and I fucking loved it. I loved it more than anything because she used to let me clean it out. When we were dating, not now. Clean it out. Yeah, because it would get filled up with makeup and dirt. I'm gonna fucking puke, man.

It was so awesome. And so she had had it like a pimple when she was a kid and she went to pop it. You said, hold right there? No. You said, hold? Z zoom in the dog with the fucking zoom in Do you see that hole right there on her lip over there? Yeah, yeah She used to have that hole in her lip and it would fill up with makeup sometimes God she looks so much like Lee I let's No, it's fucking insane and I used to love that hole

I mean it's part of the reason I fell in love there because I she let me pick at it. And then when we got married and got older, anytime I go to look at it, she goes, and it would make me laugh, right? I love that hole. Then she got it removed, because they thought it was cancer. And then, and now she has a scar going down her face. Okay.

And so, but my point is I'm a preener. I love to like pick it shit. Yeah. And she won't do it at all. So I had this thing in my mouth, and I go, you just look at it. She's like, I'm a preiner. I love to like pick it shit. Yeah, and she won't do it at all So I had this thing in my mouth when I go you just look at it It's like I can't see anything and I go try to take a picture She goes I can't like she didn't even try she goes I can't and then I go George Island And they're like no, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm doing it and then I'm like no one will help me like I'm having massive pain

So I go to sleep Sunday night no Saturday night night, and I'm like, I mean, I am like blinded. I mean, I can't tell you. I remember watching, uh, cast away with our hanks. Yeah. And you remember he'd be like, he'd be like, oh, and you'd be like, it's a fucking toothache, dude. Yeah. Holy fuck. So you woke up with horrible tooth pain. I mean, to the point where I was like, I was doing every home remedy, swashing with saltwater, sleeping with onions in my mouth. I, I, I do, I bid into an onion

and I just slept with a chunk of onion in my cheek. I did, that's a home remedy. I've never heard of it. It would work for a second and then it would go away. I had onion in my cheek with all whole night. You cut it! Shops of it, onion just put it in your mouth. I had an onion in bed with me with a knife and I just cut off a sliver and shoved it

in my cheek and dude I did everything in two in the morning. I thought your breath stuck before. Dude, it was, I mean I was onion. Like, I was eating onion all night because I was like, oh, it was searing. I couldn't see at a time. Wait, how do you, is it, you wake up Sunday morning then? Her. Sunday morning, I wake up and it's still bad.

I get on the treadmill and I'm trying to work out. I run four miles and I'm like, and it's throbbing again. And now I'm like, fuck it, I go in and I kind of suck on my tooth, like you're trying to get something out of it. And I feel a pop and I go, ooh, and all of a sudden, all the pressure is released. What I don't know is I've now popped

whatever abscess is in that tooth and it's now draining into my throat. So I'm like now like, oh, okay, here we go. This is better. They'll like. Ah, ah, ah, ah. So I'm trying to think of this as a drink category or not. Hold on.

So it's relieved Sunday and Monday. And then Monday at some point in the day, I guess maybe whatever relief I gave it went away and it started building back up again and it started building up in a horrible way. And then cut to Tuesday, I am in like, blinding pain again, I go to the dentist and the dentist, by the way, all dentist can't,

why can't dentist just, every dentist is like, I fucking told you so, like why can't he just be like, wow this sucks, like I see him and he's like nine years and I'm like, no, like I get it. Let's go. Yeah, let's get to it and he's just every dentist like I fucking told you so like I can't just be like wow this sucks like I see him And he's like nine years, and I'm like, you know, like I get it. Let's go. Yeah, let's get this He's like, I told you know when you know I'm here. I was like you gotta come every I'm like no I get that I fucking get that I'm like blinded and and like I was nice enough to come in on his day off or not day off But when in a pandemic he looks at it and he goes this is the worst

Abscess I've ever seen the worst cavity I've ever seen and you have decay on another tooth, this is the worst abscess I've ever seen, the worst cavity I've ever seen, and you have decay on another tooth. Like, this is bad. Like, I can't do anything about this. And then he says, What do you mean I can't do anything about this? One point he starts laughing, he goes, I can't do anything about it.

I can't do, I can't help you. I can't help you. Like, almost like excited. He goes, give me $10,000. Take care of me, give me $10,000. I still can't help you. And I'm like, okay, that's awesome. Like, what do I I do and he's like you got to go to an endodontist So I go to this endodontist wait, you have to so you leave this guy. I believe I'm still in pain. I go home

Still searing pain. I go to yesterday I go to a guy and this guy was a fuck what what is an endodontist endodontist deals I was a fuck. What is an endodontist? Endodontist deals specifically in root work, I think. I'm not certain. Pull up the word endodontist, it'll say exactly, but it's 15 minutes. Yeah, it's all on.

It's basically just for root canals. So like, he specifies what do endodontists do? Then it specifies the saving teeth. Student all dentist specifies the saving teeth? I'm very complex. Ru can help. Yeah, okay, so he comes in Very cool guy remember this guy he I've been doing one other time before and he was like get her abscess And I was like one of the things so he's like you definitely do did it pulled it out fine And then I said hey man, I got a fight and I he put me on antibiotics I go I got a fight tonight. He's like oh cool, here's a prescription for Xanax.

And I was like, oh thanks. I didn't check the milligrams. I took one, it was a two milligrams Xanax on the flight. I woke up on the plane when they were cleaning it. I was like, ah! Two milligrams. Two milligrams. He gave me a two to put that in perspective.

If I take a milligram, I take a quarter of a milligram. I take a quarter of one milligram. I take a quarter of one milligram Do you have any left? They were all I ate them all up so quickly I broke them in half and took one milligrams of Xanax so so So I dress this guy So I go to the guy he goes looks at me and he goes all right Let's take a look and he's like wow is bad. He's like we're gonna fix up

We're gonna fix up. He's like tell me if you have sensitivity to cold and he goes, all right, let's take a look and he's like, wow, it's bad. He's like, we're gonna fix you up. We're gonna fix you up. He's like, tell me if you have sensitivity to cold and he shoots just regular tap water on my tooth and it felt like someone shot me in the head. I was like, and then he's like, okay, okay. Do you have sensitivity to heat and then he poised just a warm cough on my tooth and I'm like, and he's like, and then he looks

and he goes, all right, we're gonna need a cat scan. And I'm like, cat scan, that's what I said. I was like, cat scan and then he does this time. He goes like, huh? Huh? Oh God. Huh? Oh dear Lord.

And he goes, do the whole fucking mouth. And I'm like, and he goes, my concern is it's everywhere. Now I'm thinking I'm like, we're gonna have to do root canals on all my fucking teeth. And I'm like, I'm like fucking flipping out. I play a song to try to calm down and it's radio head. You have no one to blame but yourself. And I'm like, fucking Jesus. So I go in and get a cat scan.

And they put me in this thing. Wait, do they do it right there? He's got to, he goes, yeah. We used to have to send you across the street, but now we got one in the building. So go in, you stand in this thing, you bite down, and it just kind of swallows around you. Yeah.

You have six minutes. She goes, this is going to take 67 minutes. Now I know the machine story's 13 minutes long. So I sit there and I go, and I'm panicking, right? I'm panicking because of all the shit going on. The fact that I'm in this tube and it's spinning around my head and I can't move anything about being trapped. So I bite down on the thing, she goes,

are you ready? She hits the thing and I go, when I was 22 years old I got Bob at the restaurant. What? Here's how it happened. I went to school at Florida State. I wasn't a very good student. I used to think Anne Frank and Alan Keller were good. I do the machine story.

That keeps you calm. It's just, I'm knowing, like, like, one-on-one stage that when I get to a certain point, we got seven minutes left. It's a 13-minute story. We got seven minutes left. So all I know is if I get to, and then Igor says, uh, different Mafia runs train, different Mafia runs, the Moscow, I'm like, okay, we're almost there.

Dude, I told the whole fucking story. I was in there for 13 fucking minutes of the SCATS game. I told the whole fucking story I get in, he comes in and he goes, great news. I said, really, he goes, It's a really funny story, man, we were here. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he just ripped that off the top of your head.

He goes, great news, it's one tooth. I went, really? He goes, it's just one tooth. He goes, I was worried for a second. I was like, you were fucking worried. And then he performed a Roccoon Sepradi's on my mouth and do the back tooth as a hard one. Ciao, Regazzi.

At one point, and the problem is, so he gave me so much, he numbed the fuck out of me and I could still feel it. He gave me three shots in the inside, like in there. He gave me shots all in here and I could still feel it, but it was like an hour long procedure. Maybe last but Lian said it's about an hour. All I know is I had a rubber thing over my mouth so that it was a tattoo so it caught

whatever thing like chick fell out. It went into the back of my throat and my nose goes numb, right? Because now my nose is numb, my whole face is numb, my nose goes numb, and I can't breathe in it because as I go to breathe It just closes, so I can't breathe out of this side because I like nasal stuff because my allergies So now I am a mouthful of saliva going And holding my I had to hold my breath in and out for a fucking hour. It was the longest I got done You know I'm close to panic so I'm always the whole time I'm like I should have taken a fucking Xanax to take a fucking Xanax

I get done and he's like man that was fucking scary. We got it. I know it's like oh So and and like at the end of all this it's just you had one bad tooth one bad tooth I have another tooth that has decay but that one where he's like we're not worrying about that right now He's like that's the least of our concerns. So is the tooth that was bad that's out completely? No What it's still in he's put a temporary filling in it and then in four weeks or when this virus goes away I'm gonna come in he packed it full of medicine He's gonna pull out the medicine fill it and then I have to get a crown on it. The problem is I grind my teeth, and so I don't have enough tooth there versus gum to put

a crown. So they're going to have to readjust all my gum lines in the back of my jaws and crown on my back teeth. So they are going to cut off my gums. Do this is going to be a... Remember when I was like, I don't want to deal with the dentist? Yeah. Because I knew this was happening.

Right. I knew this was coming down the pipe. My dad goes, just get him to pull your teeth. Pull all your fucking teeth and put implants in. It's so much easier. I think he's right. I... I...

Dude, do it. I should've just had him pull the tooth yesterday. I wouldn't have to fucking... Dude, why don't you just go in and be like, Hey, I just want veneers. Just take everything out. Oh, no, no, no, that's not how that works. It's they have to, they pull the tooth,

then they have to wait till it heals, then they put implants in, and then they screw it into the, I mean, it's like, it's a fucking nightmare, dude. You need to get rid of your teeth. I see that yesterday, you start saying things when you get to a place of like desperation, you start saying things like, maybe I'll die before I have to deal with this.

Like maybe, like I go, maybe if I just kept rid of all my teeth, get rid of all my teeth, right? The end and the end's like, no. Wait, what does she think? Fucking Leanne gets so far. Well, she goes, all I can say is thank you God, I have great teeth.

And I went, what about, yeah, what about me, going through all the drama? She's like, oh, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that shit. And I was like, oh, cool. Like, yeah, thanks about me going to all the drama? And she's like, oh, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that shit. And I was like, oh cool. Like, yeah, thanks God, she has great teeth. What about the whole, or fucking face? our backyard and ripped our chickens head off. Just one? Just one.

Juusly in an egg. And the coyote stuck her head in a little nesting box. Ripped the fucking chickens head off and took off. And the dogs heard it. The dogs went out like, new stuff was going on, but it was eyeless chicken. And the eye lo was fucking devastating. And you guys fought about this? No. We took it to the new house that we will now are now postponing everything on,

that we just own an old house for the next year. You have two houses right now? Yeah, we have two houses, but one you, this is full of obsbestos. So you can go enjoy the backyard. So we took it to the new house, dug a hole, and then put Ilessh chicken in, said some kind words about Charlotte, and then argued on why dad dug the hole that way. Oh, you dig it like that.

Why would you put, why would you dig it and not put all the dirt in one pile? Cause I guess I dug it and like put dirt in different places, and then had to gather that dirt to fill the hole, and so I just was, why would you do it that way? And I said, I don't know. She goes, no, I mean, like,

normally when people take a hole, they put the dirt in one pile. I go, yeah, understand that. I didn't do that way. She goes, I know, but now it's gonna be harder. I go, yeah, I'm well aware of that. And we're betting, I was crying, and we're bearing a chicken.

I'm like, I know, but I dug the hole, so like, let me just, she's like, I'm just saying. I go, no, I know exactly what you're fucking saying. And then there's a fight about, there's just little things about, I honestly, I'm very money conscious right now about all of this fucking, like I'm very just cognizant of money.

For the first time in my life, I'm like, let's just fucking hunkered the fuck down. Yeah. And she's just like, well, what are we gonna do with this house? And so it's just like, dude, I'll tell you right now, I've never filmed. So you know, you hear people have financial problems

doing this? It's across the board. Like, everyone's dealing with shit. And it may not be a streamed some people or is bad for some people, but everyone's fucking dealing with it. Of course. And it's amazing.

I've never really dealt with financial issues with Leanne, just because I've been tapped the fuck out my entire career. But the first time, man, talking about money makes a relationship fucking complicated. That is like the number one thing that people argue about in relationships. I can't imagine. I remember talking to Adam Crowley one time

and I said, when you lost your job at Clear channel and you went home. How did you explain it to your wife? And it was like it was almost like Is a bad example, but when you connect with someone on someone level someone's level like you ever had a bad flight And someone's had a really bad flight. They're like oh dude, and then I'll let you connect yes Adam Crowler just the look he goes oh, yeah It's never really and he goes I went home and I said to my wife How much do you think we spend a month and she gave me her number and then I said let me tell you the real number And he told it he goes I told her the real number. She said no way and he goes and I've lost my job Do you know what that means and she goes no and he goes we need to make it the number you initially thought it was and it was like

But like everyone deals with that on so many fucking levels that you go, fuck, like everyone in this country is dealing with that. Yeah. I mean, the only comfort in it is that you know everyone's dealing with it. That's the only, because it's usually it's like, you know, someone's so lost his job. And you're like, oh sucks for so when I got fired from travel channel I remember feeling like a loser going to drop off George and and going like I've got got fired everyone knows I got fired right. I'm gonna drop off the girls. You're like it's me that is not doing well. But didn't they not fire you?

I thought that like you didn't want to oh no I told her I what I wanted to do is you said yeah, that's not what we're looking for you're no longer working for the company I was like yeah, but but I but I definitely she definitely called me and said we are no longer I would tell you the street. I was on when I got the call and I can tell you how I panned her and was like Okay, I mean, you know listen, I mean I have a lot of really great ideas I was still gonna pitch them but I love to pitch them to you, and she was like, oh, it was fucking the worst dude. Getting fired sucks more than anything, than anything.

It is the worst fucking feeling in the world. I got fired once. I was working for a shopping cart manufacturer in college, and I was working for the marketing division for a retarded person. Okay? You're gonna have to fucking sit over! If anyone's got got Corona I just Is

They just caught me off guard the way the jokes are posted This was like oh, I'm not gonna give ownership I Know that you there's a fucking hot button topic with you but la- oh hold on oh last night last night we watched a show last night we watched a show oh my god last night we watched a show a funny dancing is a comics it's comics dancing do you know where this is going? No I just can't stop thinking about you falling That was great. We watched a show funny dancing. It's we're comics young Enicus handers and Jeremiah walkins and then some people I didn't really know Justin Martin Dale's a judge. I don't know the other people but I knew Justin Martin Dale I knew the other two people. Where is it? What's the show on? It's on E and it's called like funny dancing and it's comics learning dance routines and then dancing against each other. I wonder where they got the idea. So it's a fun, great idea.

So, so at the end of it they go we just want to thank everyone, you know This is one of our projects our main projects is teaching people with Down syndrome to dance and I just hear one of the people in my family Go, that's a show I want to walk And I was like that would be fucking but yeah, keep going keep going. I'm fucking well There was some fucking small town bullshit in this idiot fuck the marketing person who had she had zero ideas zero instruction zero initially like I would be like hey so all right you know I'm in college I have to show up wearing like a tie and

then she's like um we're gonna I'm gonna mail out these mailers and I was like, is that it? Like, you're the marketing person at this company and like, I would show up and just be completely underwhelmed by like, how in the world did they hire you? You bring, I mean, this is like over a course of, you know, months where I'm like, you literally have brought zero ideas.

And I'm like the, like, I the, like I'm working part time, not an intern, I forget the title, but I'm like, I'm working underneath this person who says nothing, every day you just show up and she's like, did you, could you make sure these stamps get put on this? I'm like, yeah, what are you doing for marketing though? Like do you have any marketing ideas?

Should a marketing degree? And they just were like, run the marketing doing for marketing though? Like, do you have any marketing ideas? Should a marketing degree and they just were like, run the marketing division for our company. After a few months, I show up one day and they're like, uh, can you come into this office? And I was like, yeah, sure. And I sit there and they got, and a guy's like asking me a few questions and I was like answering his questions.

And he's like, I think we're gonna, I think we're gonna let you go. And I was like, for what? Why? And he's like, I think, you know, we were expecting just more to be done. I was like, excuse me. He's like, yeah, you know, we just, you know,

we had like higher expectations. I was like, you realize that you hired me, told me to work underneath this person, who for three months hasn't, hasn't suggested one, like she runs the division. I'm supposed to work underneath this person who for three months hasn't hasn't suggested one like she runs the division I'm supposed to work for her has zero ideas has told me to mail things like what did you expect me to do and they're like I don't know we just you know we hired you we kind of thought it would be different I was like all right me like didn't really tell me anything

other than we thought it would be different. I'm like, okay, man. And then I'm like, so I Guess I'm free to go and they're like, oh, could you leave at the end of the day? I was like What and they're like, yeah, leave at the end of the day. And then I did something kind of out of spite What I went to the the mailing room and I mislabeled all the things that were going to be shipped out. So I took, like, if this was supposed to go to Arkansas, I'd put Nebraska on it, if it was supposed to go to Ohio,

I put New Hampshire, and I mispackaged all of them. Like, hundred things. Smart. Yeah. But it was, but also the, it was so deflating. Even though I felt like it was no justification for it to feel it fired, it was like, yeah, it really kicks you in the balls, man. When I got fired from Barnes & Noble, I came back to my apartment.

Everyone knows I got fired in the basement for working out in my underwear. Technically, I think I was really naked, but I'll say underwear is just to be safe. And when Dwayne fired me, he pulled me in, and he was like, he was spending a lot of time in the basement. I was like, yeah, yeah. And by the way, because you didn't tell them that you didn't think

there was a camera in there. I didn't know there was a camera. And so if you took the freight elevator, you had the freight elevator, so no one could come in on you. So if you went to the freight out of the basement, you had the whole basement to yourself.

Like so you could just sit there. No one could find you, no one could come get you, no one could call for you. You could just hang out there and then go up and when you went up, you'd be like, oh, I've been in the basement. And they were like, we were looking for you guys. It's like oh, I just went down and So now in all fairness. What city are you in New York City? Astro place the Astro place Barnes and Noble. There was no air conditioning in that bar in Barnes and Noble

None and it was the Dead of the summer and I didn't have an air conditioning unit in my apartment so at night. I would put shirts in the freezer an air conditioning unit in my apartment, so at night I would put shirts in the freezer, freeze them soakin' wet, and put them on in the middle of the night and go back to sleep. That's how fucking hot it was. It was the hottest I've ever been in my life that I remember ever. So my sister comes up, my sister comes up for a visit, and I go into work. And a week before Dwayne had, had me come in early on a Saturday for a manager and training meeting.

And then at the end was like, so you think you wanna be a manager? And I was like, no. And he was like, what? And I was like, who the fuck wants to be a manager at a Barnes & Noble? And he was like, I'm a manager at Barnes & Noble. And I was like, I mean, that's good for you,

but like, I saw what I wanna do. And I said, I remember saying to him, I mean, that's good for you, but like, that's not what I want to do. And I said, I remember saying to him, I'm a comedian. And he went, no, you're not. You work at Barnes & Noble. And I was like, so I get fired. I combed with the office, Twain's like, he spent a lot of time in the basement. And I said, yeah. And he goes, you know, we have cameras down there.

And I was like, I didn't know that. And he was like, you're fired. And then I just I said, yeah. And he goes, you know, we have cameras down there and I was like, I didn't know that. And he was like, you're fired. And then I just went, I quit. And he went, oh. And then I was like, I quit anyway, I don't even want fucking want this job. And then he was like, great.

And so I walk out, I walk out, I go straight back to my sister. It's like, it's like 10 in the morning. It's like right when I showed up. It was like, and I used to show up late. I remember at one point, he goes, hey, what's anything work starts? I was like, 10ish, he goes, Hey, what's happening to think work starts. I was like, 10ish and he goes,

no, no, no, 10. It's a 10. I mean, it starts at 10. And I went, oh, okay. And he's like, not a little after, it's 10. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I went back to my house, my sister was just waking up. And I was like, I remember walking

and going, I got fired. She's like, why would they fire you? And I was like, I don't know. I was working out in the basement. And she was like, well, let's get high and get drunk. And I was like, fucking great. And we got fucking wheeze. What was your next job after that? The door at the Boston Comedy Club. Oh, so, okay. Well, I went straight from that to then my birthday happened. That was the summer. I was probably unemployed for, I was marked able to make June, July, August.

No, no, no. I didn't get fired in a job. I got fired in like August, September. And I was unemployed. I worked at like, I folded sweaters for a little bit. But it wasn't like a job. It's just like extra cash. I do PA stuff.

Like I'd be like a PA on a film. Yeah. But but it wasn't like it wasn't steady work. It was just whenever we showed up. And then my and then I got a job working the door of the Boston Comedy Club that that on November 4th 2000 when I was 26 years old 21 years ago. Fuck I I also had a job out here at a pizza place on Riverside Drive. I would love to see you. Oh, I'd take a lot of time just murdering pizzas. No, I just, I was still like skinny, it was because a little after I got here. Oh, for real?

Yeah, yeah, I wasn't that bad, but I remember that, you know, you show up and it was a place where like, you order at the counter and then you, you know, you pick and you kind of walk down the kind of, do you want like a salad, do you want a pizza? Yeah. At the end of the counter, then you know you pick and you kind of walk down the kind of do you want like a salad do you want a pizza yeah at the end of the counter there's the register so so first I remember I'm working there and I like I hate it you know I'm just trying to you know get some money and the one of the first people like I served they go so you just you just served all this pizza and then you handled cash and then you just went back and served more pizza. And I was like, yeah. And they go, I mean, you think it's unsanitary. I go, I do, but I just work here. I don't,

I don't, I don't, and then the owner, the owner was like, he goes, oh, hey, I heard you answer the phone. Could you, could you answer the phone and say, I forget the name of the place, but could you say like, hi, thanks for calling Riverside pizza Would you like to try this? Bob a blah? And I was like no, and he goes no he goes that's how I how I have people answer the phone I go do that's gay as fuck and He goes he goes interesting choice of words. I'm gay And I go, fuck. And I go, well, it's gay, it's fuck.

I go, come on, man. And I go, okay, so I answer it like once like that. And I was like, I can't say that. So as soon as he walks away, I just go like, yeah. I'm like, I'm sorry, I answered the phone. What do you want? And so I'm working there for a while. And then one day, I mean, I was so miserable.

I'm supposed to be in it like 10 or something, at like 9.30, I was like, there's no way I'm going in there. So I just call and I go, I'm stuck on this, I got diverted, I was visiting, I'm doing like, he's like, what? And I go, I just, I won't be back for a few days. And he's like, okay. And then, I won't be back for a few days. And he's like, okay. And then.

I won't be back for a few days. Yeah, I was like, I'm sorry. I'm gonna take some vacation time boss. He's like, you don't get vacation time. It was so bad. And then like a week later, I was like, no, I definitely need money. So I called him, I was like, hey,

so can I come in? He's like, what are you talking about? He goes, you don't work here. I was like, that's because of the flight. And he's like, you can't just quit for a week. And then come back. I go, why not? And he's like, because we can't rely on you. Oh, I was like, all right, man. So I worked at this sweater place. Michael Simon, I think, was the name. It's time for Michael Simon sweaters. This will happen in the next, I guarantee you, we get the guy from Food Network. Oh, yeah, this is Michael Simon sweaters.

So I worked at this place. This guy, Michael Simon had a partner. I forget her name. I wish I knew the name. She was beautiful. And my roommate, my roommate worked there as they were like one of the sales directors or whatever. She got me a job, folding sweaters.

So my first day I get in and they're like, hey, we're gonna have to pivot on the sweater folding. We've got to send out these mailers and I go, okay, cool. And they're like, so if you can't, and it was like a stack like this, shove these in these envelopes, put a stamp, they're already addressed, put a stamp on them, and let's get them out. And I was like, okay, so I do a thousand fucking envelopes, right? I go to bed, my mouth is blistered sore from licking envelopes, licking stints.

Oh, God. I got drinking that night, I wake up and I have sores all over my fucking mouth, like all over my mouth. So I call in, I call in, I don't think I can come in today. And they're like, why not? And I was like, oh, I'm out, so I'm fire. I can't think I can come in today. And they're like, why not? And I was like, oh, I'm out of the fire. I can't do anymore.

I'm a little. And Charlotte was a girl's name. She's like, what's her name wants you to come in anyway? You can fold sweaters. I was like, okay. So I come in and they're looking at me like this. Like, they're all looking at me like this. And they're like, what's her name would like to talk to you

in her office? The boss, I forget her name. I don't know if you can find it there, she was beautiful. So I go into her office and she is looking at me, almost like she saw a ghost. She goes, how many envelopes did you do yesterday? I said, Aw, thumb. She goes, you licked 2000 fucking envelopes and I said, and stamps. She goes, why didn't you just use that little piece of Sponge-dex you I said I was using that to wet my mouth You were taking this bunch and wetting your mouth a bit and then licking it I went, uh-huh she goes oh

My god She looks I don't know what to do with you like I Okay, don't do any more stamps. I guess Like I was like she was like you're just supposed to touch the stamp to the thing and I went really She's like get and then dab the envelope on it and then close it and I went Well, I didn't know that and so then I went in full stamps I wrote my one of my first jokes full stamps are full It's full sweaters folding sweater is like getting a drunk into a cab

You know, yeah, yeah, that was a joke I had. Are you getting folding? I'm horrible at folding. Yeah. I don't fold the way the amp folds. And if one person does the majority of folding, a dick taste folding for the entire family. So the amp fold shirts in three folds.

So it's, so if this is a shirt, right, this is the front of the shirt, Leanne takes it, folds the sleeves back, and then goes once, then twice. This is a good. It looks good, but they're like really tight, but I do it, I just did it once, so it's a bigger fold, but it was once, so it was easier. So now when you do, now I just fold the ends, I can't fold, and I can't fold, I'm not folding my daughter's fucking panties. That's not gonna happen. Now. I can't fold and I can't fold my not folding my daughter's fucking panties. That's not gonna happen now fucking pull them out You're like whoa who are wearing these and the hands like they're George's like

Fuck Yeah, then you pull out the ends you're like oh cool Hey, you want to help me fold these might supposed to fold them like a fitted sheet? Yeah, I don't fold panties. I don't fold any clothes now because it's all the girls clothes. So they just fold their own. And then I love doing laundry. I used to love.

I wasn't like a laundry guy every day, but I was a guy that like, all right, time to do laundry. And then I remember one time I was in New York. Do you still do laundry? I've been, you know what's so funny is, I don't fit, the girls, when they designed the laundry room, made it so they could fit and they could do laundry. Like they're just like, it just needs to be this big.

So they're butts fit in there and they can, when I do it, I'm just bigger than everyone. So I have to do it sideways. I can't do it the same way they do it. So it's a pain in the fucking ass for me to do laundry. But I haven't done, and I'm always on the road. Ron does laundry on our bus. So he does all laundry like at the end of every week. He does everyone's laundry. Really? Yeah. And then Leand does laundry at home. I don't ever do laundry. I used to love it. I used to love going to New York on like a Tuesday and being like, all right, I'm doing laundry today.

Would it be in your building? No, you have to go down around the street. On Washington, just off Washington Square, there was a a great laundry mat and you just go and you'd fucking write jokes. I remember One of the jokes I wrote even these aren't good jokes But this is like early comedy stuff is I did all my laundry and I didn't feel like folding it So I just put it all on and walked at home And maybe giggles so hard I walked to all my laundry home and I'm sweating through all of it I'm like this is all horrible You put on like 25 shirts. I'm like fucking 20 shirts and put on jeans and shorts and pants and just put it all on and just walking home

I thought it was so funny and it's funny idea and then I got home and I was sweating my ass off It was funny idea and then I got home and I was sweating my ass off. I'm gonna wash all this again. Oh, yeah, man. Getting on a conversation with a fucking hot chicken laundry mat. Nice. Dude, I missed nothing like being single and out there in New York City. It got like on a spring day. Oh, dude.

I mean, every time I had, I was on a streak for a minute. When I was single, going to New York, I was like, when one goes to New York, one has sex. That's because it's almost like, it's almost like, it was like five trips in a row and I was like, wow, this is like, unlike anywhere else for me. And I would meet people on the fucking street. I would meet, I mean, literally just like,

oh, hey, like someone passing by, start flirting, talking, and then be like, let's go out. It's crazy how willing, like how like open, I wonder if this, with this coronavirus gonna change New York City in the way. Well, many of them will be dead. You think?

Yeah, for real? I mean, this is a really, like, by the time this comes out, it's a few days from when we're recording it, but God damn, it is. It is New York, they're saying 86% of New York. It looks really scary in New York City right now. God damn it. And you know the ones that are gonna get a fall,

the rich people fucking left. Of course. So they're the ones who obviously need to quarantine, like the most is people leaving the city so that they don't continue spreading. Well, that's the thing that's, I mean, look, I don't have, if people leaving the city so that they don't continue spreading it Well, that's the thing that's I mean look. I don't have if you leave the city I get it I probably would have left the city to I would have left I probably would have done the same thing But the problem is you're going to a small town in upstate New York

That's got one ventilator and you possibly are the one that's infected bringing it to your town Yeah, so bring it to this new town and spreading it so that's's the part of the problem is you should have just hunkered down and you're fucking Central Park mansion. Yeah. And just been like, I can get through this. I don't know. It's this whole thing, fucking sucks. I hate even talking about it.

Like, I don't, like, and I don't know anything about it. Like, I don't know, I don't know anything more than anyone else that's watching CNN. So like, I feel stupid, but then I can't help with share the one little thing I learned. Yeah. So I don't know. I think I will go back to fucking a stranger is pretty fucking amazing. Yeah. Like someone don't know anything about, but the fact that you guys are connecting on a weird fucking like, like, non, I've only done it. I've only had sex with a complete, like, stranger once.

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's most of the sex I've had. Real? Yeah. Oh, what's it like? Like, walk me through it. Like, to give me, tell me a story. Tell me a hunting story.

Well, this one's interesting. This is the St. Patrick's Day 2000. So 20 years ago, last week, right? I was there with friends. I ran the radio. To Patrick Day, huh? In New York. In New York.

Oh, Miss Sourley's is the best place to go in New York. This is a ridiculous thing that happened. I'm running the radio station. I manage it at school in college. Okay, okay. So I manage the radio station and I do a show, my friends do a show, other people, and we get we get word that there's this huge radio music conference happening in New York City. And one of the like the communication department chair was like, you know you have this

like the communication department chair was like, you know you have this budget for the radio station for this year and I was like, no, I was, and I'm thinking like, oh, so I could upgrade like mics or something and he's like, well, it's like $20,000 and I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, so like you, you're supposed to spend it before the, the years, he's telling me this in like you know

I guess February or something and I'm like oh he goes in it, you know It's up in June so like you should you should spend it before then I was like shit Like so what tracksuits so I go will okay, and I'm taking it actually seriously He goes he tells me about this conference and I go all right, so I go kind of bring people to it. He's like, yeah, how about you bring? So I go, all right, I'm going to bring these three other guys. They're all like my good friends. And I tell them, I'm like, all right, look, we have to go, like we can go to New York,

your flights are covered, your hotels covered, and you'll have some spending money. But like we have to go to all these things. And we have an itinerary. This thing, this, we fly up there. We go to the first orientation thing, like the settle. And there's, I mean, there's thousands of people. Yeah. And there's different conference rooms. It's all over the city.

And the Javits Center and stuff, like, Stuff, I don't know. Different hotel, there's a banquet on there, like, all right, I go, all right, I'm gonna go to this one, another guy's like, I'm gonna go to this one, another guy's like, I'm gonna go to this one over here. All right, I'll meet you in a little bit. So I take one of the guys, and we go to this first thing,

supposed to start at 9 a.m. at 9.20. It still hasn't started, and I look at him, I'm gonna go, let's just get the fuck out of here. So, we leave, and we don't go to any other things, except for, on the last day day Chuck D is giving a speech and I go I want to go to that of course so In between we just drink St. Patrick's Day is smoking cigarettes back then So I get cigarettes and we and on I think on it was actually St. Patrick's Day

We have going to a couple of bars and there's like, there's four of us. So two of us will split up. So two of us end up in this bar and we're drinking and these two, it's like it's like a movie. These two like hot chicks just come over and they're like, you guys are cute.

And we're like, oh thanks. Sit on our laps, just start talking, drinking. And I'm like, I'm looking at them like, this is crazy. And we're just flirting, having fun. And then they're like, do you wanna come back to our place? And we're like, what? Yeah, by the way, I met the top of the stairs.

You know a lot of bars there have the bathroom down the stairs. It's St. Patrick's Day, people are spillin' drinks everywhere. I slip at the top of the stairs all the way down, all the way down the stairs, all the way down, all the way down the stairs. Right? Like 25 stairs. And when I stand, I get to the bottom, I pop up and the sting is so hard.

I just, I just don't move. I just process the pain. I'm like, fuck. And I, I'm just like holding onto the wall. And a guy just walks up to me and he goes, that looks like it hurt. That looks like it hurt. And I go, yeah, I did.

I did, I got there. So we go back, I go back upstairs, they're like, do you wanna come back to our place? And I'm like, yeah, sure. And they, do you guys live together? Like, yeah, we're roommates. This is like a fucking porn, right? So we get back to their place.

They live in like a fucking four bedroom massive apartment in Midtown. I'm like, who are these checks? They're fucking like 22. And so anyways, we split up, like because like I go with the girl I'm with, he goes with the girl's, he's with and I'm like, all right, so we get back to,

I'm back in her room and she just immediately gets naked what color here should black hair oh black hair yeah and uh who's in good shape yeah good tips yep oh we start you know whatever we do it it was very um I don't know it was kind of unevent it wasn't great oh it wasn't great and this is the best part we're done and it's I think I forget whatever is on TV or something and then I start talking about it she goes you don't have to keep talking I was like okay and she was like you can just go to bed I was like all. Then, it was like a role reversal.

You know, we're like, guys like, hey, sweetie, just. Yeah, zip it to it. Yeah, so she was like, I just brought you back here for this, I don't want to hear your story. I was like, I was like, holy shit, all right. So, yeah, the next day I wake up and I go into their living room and then I see my friend, he's like, hey, how'd you do it?

He's like, she just kept blowing me, but she wouldn't fuck me. I was like, I go with me and cap. He's like, we took breaks, but she would go back to do it again. Jesus Christ! He's like, what about you? I go, I fucked her, but she didn't somebody else. The time after that I went there.

I hooked up with somebody. It was just over and over. And it was all strangers. One time it was a friend of my sister. My sister's friend and she's like, I remember hearing that story. Yeah, and then I fucked my other sister's friend. Oh wait, I was at the story actor.

Yeah, like each of them were like, you fucked my best friend. And I was like, how goes, you know? I was like, should I own my friend. And I was like, how goes, you know? Should I own my sister? Yeah, what can I say? And then one of them was like, you would be so mad if I fucked one of your friends. I was like, go for it.

Do whatever you want to do. I'm gonna do it. You should've fucked my sister. She's a bad influence. One time I, I tell you that one of my sisters brought a friend home when I was in college and We were how many sisters you have have to one older one younger so I'm only met the younger. Yes, that's right. Yeah, so We're hanging out the house everyone goes to bed

I'm hanging out with her friend and we start making out and then I start I go You're gonna have a slumber party tonight? I go come into this room, right? And she goes, no, I don't want to upset your sister. And I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, you love my fucker. And I go, come on. And she goes, she goes, no, because I don't want her.

And it just don't happen to be like just the type of night where I was like, I go, all right, like fine. Right, and I just go to bed. I mean, I could, you feel like, I could have been just persistent. And she'd be like, oh, okay, but I just go, fine. I go to bed next day, she leaves, and then dude, like six months later, my sister's like,

oh, guess what, remember that girl I brought home? Yeah, she goes, she hooked up with somebody at school and got pregnant. And she's, and I was like, I kept thinking I was like, man, that's supposed to be my baby. That's supposed to be my baby, baby, baby. But I was like, I kept thinking like that, if I would hooked up with her and that happened,

that would have ruined my life, you know? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, oh. Like, right now. I think if I think I would have it. I would have it with her and that happened, that would have ruined my life, you know? Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh. Yeah, like right now. I think if I think I would have it 20 year old. Yeah, I would have had, I would have a, I thought when I was 18, I thought I got someone pregnant. Definitely, like, she was late, like by a month and a half, and then fucking throw it down the stairs.

And I was like, I push it on a hill and so you see. I mean, that would have ruined my life hardcore, hardcore. But I looked back and I go, maybe, maybe not, maybe I, I don't know, I wouldn't be a comedian. I had one who I'm like, how did this, how did she just not tell me that she did it? Because I've had that, where you go, I think she got an abortion and just didn't tell me.

This girl, I hooked up with her. She tells me, she's like, like moments before she goes, I think she got an abortion and just didn't tell. This girl, I hooked up with her. She tells me, she's like, like moments before she goes, come inside me. And I was like, ah! I'm gonna find her, you're like, what's up? And then, like the next week, she goes, oh, I didn't have my appearance. And I'm like, oh my god.

And then, and then it was like, how about, like every day I'm checking, did you get it today? Yeah. That's amazing. I thought about it more than they did. Oh my god, like, and she was like, nope. This was six weeks of that, where I was checking, did you get it today? Yeah. That's amazing. I thought about it more than they did. Oh my God, and she was like, nope. This was six weeks of that where I was like,

oh, she's definitely having it. I was like imagining, I was, panic a day, you get it. And be like, hey, heads up, you're good. Dude, and I was like, everyday I was like, I mean, why don't you reach up in there so if you can make something happen, you know? So, I mean, it was like, dude, I was in a panic. I was vomiting from anxiety. Oh, I've been there. So if you can make something happen, you know. So I mean, it was like, dude, I was

in a panic. I was vomiting from anxiety. Oh, I've been there. Imagine that my whole, I was like, I'm going to go work in a fucking warehouse. And I was, I mean, I was just like, dropping out of college. Yeah. There goes a lot of fun. I guess I get rid of my dog. Everything, everything. And then one day, dude, this was like, I'm telling it like six, seven weeks later. She's like, I had my period. I dropped to the ground. It's one of the, I can remember dropping, I dropped to my knees on the ground.

I did, I was like, oh my God. I'm like, this is, it scared me to such a degree. I was 20. I thought it would just be completely life over for me. I think one girl liked watching me squirm about it. Like, it's like a labor control over me because she would always be like I you know I haven't got my period yet and I'd be like okay so I'm just letting you know yeah and I'll be like oh great

fucking that girl was I'm about to get her out of my life will you date her for a while oh oh you check on your exes she was the one she was the one I told a story about I've told a story about her I won't say name, but I told her I wanted to do stand up. It's morning before the Florida State Miami game. Yeah. I was landing bed.

I got into Europe and I had to hung out with the state. David Wayne from the state and I'd been very funny in Europe and I'd already robbed a train and I just thought, this is my path. Like I'm a funny guy. I think I want to do stand up. Laying in bed, get ready for the Miami game. No one I'm about to start pre-partyin'.

And I said, I rolled over and I said, I want to be a stand up comedian. And she went, oh honey, don't ever tell anyone that. And I went, what? She goes, you're not, you're not funny. You're stupid funny. Like you're dumb funny. Comedians are smart funny and that's not you.

You're like dumb frat boy funny. Like anyone can be funny like you're dumb funny. Comedians are smart funny and that's not you. You're like dumb, frat boy funny. Like anyone can be funny like you. Comedians are like really intelligent. You can't be a comedian. Don't ever tell anyone that. And I was like, no to solve. I'll never tell anyone that. And then I laid in bed and I didn't tell anyone.

And then I just told this recently to someone, but she seemed like a really nice check. She was a piece of work. And then, this was your girlfriend. For a long time, yeah. And then I dated a girl that everything was possible. Like, I don't mean to slander this girl,

but she wasn't the most attached to reality. Which, the one who first- The next one. Oh, the next one. The next one was like, you can do anything. And so, the Rolling Stone article came out about me. And she was like, you could be a stand-up you're funnier than any of those guys and I was like that's what I was thinking yeah

moved to New York and I was like I'm gonna do it and then and then I make she cheated on me too too I think I drove people to cheat on me I think just by talking so much. My changing stories. They tell me the story. You're always touching your nose. You're always telling other stories. I think I think I. Smell your fingers.

It's like, ah. I would have cheated on me. I would have cheated on me. I was a really bad boyfriend in college. How so? I was very self centered. I was very self focused. I've always been very self focused. I'm very self centered. Very was very self focused. I've always been very self focused for very self centered.

Very self centered in that, like, I don't really, I kind of have blinders on about the world. Like, that hasn't changed much. I have a buddy, I have a, like, the fact that I said, how many sisters you have, and I'm known you for 18 years. I bet if we did a trivia thing, like, how well do you know Tom? So many, like, you know personality wise,

you know me very well, but like all the details, you'd be like, bad, I know. How many kisses you know personality wise? You know me very well But like all the details you'd be like bad. I know How many kids yeah, I think for where I don't know I have a I have a buddy that I moved Technically kind of moved to LA with he moved out when I moved out We were like best friends in high in college like like really Really close to college moved out to LA, lived in LA for a while together, at one night, we're on the beach and he says something about his brother and I go, you have a brother? And he goes, that's exactly who you are.

Yeah, yeah. And I went, what? And he goes, dude, I know everything about you and you just found out I have a brother. You definitely, definitely know that I have two sisters. I mean, I know you have one who's a fan. No, we've talked about this so much. I know, but I always just write it off to one and then you have a younger brother, right? No, I'm kidding. No, but you have one I met you came to my house.

I remember that one. Yes. And then that's the one. She brought it up yesterday, because she watched your special and she was like, oh my God, she loved it. She had a Johnny Dare. Johnny Dare was like, dude, I don't know, thanks for getting us to

go ride. By the way, I definitely didn't do the hook up much. I know, I don't even know, but he watched your special and he's like, holy fuck, that guy's funny. Oh, cool, cool. Yeah. Shout out to Johnny Dare. Well, Jane, my sister was like, that's why I met. She sells real estate in South Carolina. And that's right. And she was, she was like, she's younger than me. And she goes, oh yeah, you brought me to your, to a bird's right. And she was a... She's younger than me. And she goes, oh yeah, you brought me to your to a bird's house. She goes, that's like when you liked me. And I was like, what? And she was like, you know, you were nice to me. You liked me. You brought me to your friend. She goes, that was a great time. She goes, I love her. I love his family.

Did she speak Spanish too? She speaks some. She understands a lot. She didn't spend as much time abroad as I did. What's your older sister do? She works in like alumni relations for the high school we went to. Oh really? She lives in West Palm? Yeah, married with two kids. You have nephews?

I have a nephews and niece. How old? My nephews, eight, my niece is four, she'll be five in June. And your sister's the oldest. My oldest, yeah, yeah. You're the middle child? I'm the middle, yeah.

I never knew you were the middle child. Yeah, you're the oldest. I'm the oldest, yeah. How do you know that? Because you, Annie, Coddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it goes, Sarapina, you, and Jane. That's perfect. Yeah. I don't know anything about anyone. I don't listen at all the other night

I think Joe said he had a sister on the podcast and I was like I was like I should know these things like already's got a brother. Yeah, I didn't know that and he's got a younger sister That I don't know I don't know anything about I don't listen. I don't maybe I'm not a good Yeah. I didn't know that. And he's got a younger sister. That I don't know. I don't know anything about. I don't listen. Maybe I'm not a good friend, because I don't really listen to people.

Like I don't like, like I don't really, I don't know, I guess I pay, I'm in the moment. So like I'm here in the now. I'm not really good. It'd be interesting to watch you act because like acting is like, not a good act.

I don't know though, because like, it is the, I think it's your actor. I don't know though, because I think it's your supposed to really listen. You know, listen and react. The first thing I ever acted in, I can eat ice again. First thing I ever acted in was a play. This is a, do this is absolutely hilarious.

Our friend Lex writes a play about four guys who move to Cape Canaveral to throw shuttle launch parties, right? Three guys out of college decide I'm a good Cape Canaveral. We're gonna have shuttle launch parties. We're gonna be the fucking king of the castle. Everyone's gonna come to our shuttle launch parties. Everyone and then this is when they stop doing shuttle launches, right? So they live there for four years.

Never ever shuttle launch. This is the play. You went to a shuttle launch party? No, I never been to a shuttle launch party. I was in fifth grade when they launched shuttles. So this is the play. And then on the day they launched this shuttle, they go to have a shuttle launch party

and the shuttle explodes. The play opens the evening, the shuttle exploded, the shuttle exploded. The evening at shuttle exploded, the play opens and it gets destroyed by whatever small critics like bad taste, how dare you? Like, just this is horrible. So, I don't know where this story's going. I saw a shutt-a-lunch.

What were we saying? What were we talking about before this? Oh, so Leanne comes, Leanne comes to the play and I go, I get out, I get in the car and I go, I get out, I get in the car, and I go, so what did you think? She goes, you don't listen. I went, excuse me, she goes, you don't listen. And I said, no, I said, what did you think about my acting? She goes, I'm telling you, you don't listen to anybody. You just talk. And I go, yeah, yeah, that's acting.

She goes, no, acting is listening to people. I go, I'm listening to no one, it's my turn to talk. My turn to talk. She goes, that's not acting. You need to listen to people. And I go listening to no one it's my turn to talk She was not acting you need to listen to people and I go well you don't know what the fuck you're talking about and I drop her off I get drunk. I'm like whatever So then I get so then I go to the play the next night and I realized I don't really know what the Cuz I haven't been listening to anyone. I just know what it's my turn to talk and I don't even really know what I'm saying So I'm just like, hmm, it's interesting. Maybe I'll let so then the next night Leanne comes to play and I'm listening to people going like

Discovering the play with the audience Leanne goes hey listen to have this much Because you're actually distracting. Yeah, because you're on the side of the stage going, shut up. And then a reviewer came the third night and they slammed the play and they're like, the only glimmer of hope is Bert Christ. There you go. And I was like, oh, guess I live in Losing and not. Yeah, I got this. Yeah, I'm really bad at listening.

I'm horrible at listening. I'm horrible at listening and I'm horrible at knowing like I've been spending way too much time with the girls the other day. I started telling them a story and halfway through George is like, I think this is a story meant for your friends, not your daughters. And I was like, huh? She was like, I don't know if this is like something we should be sharing. And I was like, it's a good story. It's a really great story. It's a great fucking story.

What was it about? It's my buddy Eddie Fuck this chick. And he takes her home, right? And he goes back to her place and there's no pictures over. Beautiful house, no pictures over. No pictures over. And he goes, I go, yeah, right? Automatically you're engaged.

As a storyteller, you're like, there's no pictures over? None, not one picture. And then we start going, are we selfish? Cause we have, cause OJ only had pictures of himself up in his house. There were none of his kids. And I'm like, and then we start looking at our own house as well. Not guilty, I just wanted to throw that, keep going.

And we're like, is that mean like, and Eddie's Cuban. So Eddie's, like Cuban families used to have like, one wall was just fucking 4,000 pictures. And he's like, no, it should, there should be pictures. You should have pictures of your childhood of yourself, but your family, not one picture of yourself. And so we start really going like, maybe we're narcissists because we don't have pictures of ourselves. So he invites me over to play shit at great place. I know. And by the way, this is the other thing that confused us. I think she had money because she lived

on wheelchair in those high rises. Who the fuck lives in those high rises on those her? Who buys like an apartment in L. Like it's just so weird. Yeah. So we're at her place and you fuck her too? No, no, no. She's beautiful. Beautiful. And I'm going through her pictures and then I'm now I'm fucking buzzed. I go, her friends there and I go, hey, how come you don't have any pictures yourself up here? And now Eddie's like, yeah, what's up with that? Because I'm all over the place. I'm like, what? It's like these are all pictures of me and we're like, huh? Like which ones you and she's like right there and I'm like the fat chick and she goes, well, yeah I before I had you know wait lap answer, right? That's what I look like and we're like

before I had, you know, wait, lap answer, or is it really, that's what I looked like. And we're like, oh, and then Eddie goes, you're lap answer, or is it really? She's like, yeah. And I obviously had all the skin removed. And Eddie's like, you're the skin removed.

And she's like, yeah. And I was like, oh, and this one George is like, that I don't know if this is a story for us. Like, is this a good story? But like, I don't think we should be hearing it. And then- Love that she's like such an innocent girl. Yeah. And then, and then I was like, is this a good story, but like, I don't think we should be hearing it. And then- Love that she's like such an innocent girl. Yeah, and then, and then I was like, whoa, and so then Eddie and I were like blown away

that like, and then he was like, and then, and then it right around there, there was a movie called the, the, the dove or like, remember when they used to take ugly people and get them to look pretty? Remember that show? They take the- Is she makeover? Yeah, what's that? It's a makeover. They take the ugliest people and then make them gorgeous. Oh the swan the swan the not the dove the swan and Eddie was like

Fuck cuz we used to have a joke a running joke that you're getting these ugly people and then they look beautiful But when they have kids you're gonna have ugly fucking kids with them because they are initially ugly people This is a really sweet story. And by the way, George is now going dad enough. Yeah, yeah. Wrap it up again and dad. She had lap answer. He's not the point of your story. She's actually at heart.

She's ugly. We get it. And by the way, she's like, Dad, you can't say fat check. And I'm like, I'm just, I'm cutting the corner so you know the fucking story. Yeah, she's like, Dad, but I think these are stories you tell Tom or someone that maybe you don't tell your daughters.

I'm like, Fuck, I only have you guys to talk to you. I get to talk to him once a week. All right, we gotta go. Please go to Netflix, watch, ball hog, watch, hey big boy, watch the back. Tell your friends. That's the most important parts. Yeah, spread the word. Please send a text to your buddies.

Please post about it if you can on social media Thanks for watching don't forget the wash your hands shirt. It'll all go to that family the big cock guy and I apologize if I seemed 100% insensitive today. I think I was on a I was on a tear. It's all good It's all good. We love you guys. Love you buddy. See you guys. Bye-bye No scripts to be the booze amateur, Pertology, dirty jokes, Rancho Hibri, no apologies. Here's what we call, Two Bears One Cave.