2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 24 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

The 2 Bears Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the cave this week and it's a real special one. It starts off with Bert showing off his latest homage to Wood on social media. Is he good enough at photoshop to keep people from reversing what he put up? We then get into Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, alleged slander on Sean William Scott, smearing brown on your significant other's nose, and some amazing raps written by Bert and performed by Tom. Wow.

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, This is a perfect way to start off this show. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. It's gonna be a hundred percent. It's important the way, it's important the way this is posted. So I'm gonna tweet this by I have to delete it immediately because I need it to be tweeted the right way Let's tweet it. Okay. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. No delete delete delete tweet delete tweet. We'll eat tweet delete tweet. Okay. It's not coming up that way either. I don't know why Let's see

Let's see let's try it this way Image let's see, let's try it this way. Image, let's see. Okay. Hey Justin Bieber just postponed his summer tour due to the pandemic. For real? I guess. I'm trying to get this awesome tweet shared.

Let's just see. If it doesn't work this way, then we'll just post it. Bam, wait, bam, bam. Bam, bam. Let's see. First of all, hold on. No, that's deleted too. Delete tweet. Delete tweet. Delete tweet. Delete tweet. Delete tweet. All right, hang on. Let me talk to myself. It's a fuck it. What's happening? I'm having so much fun. I've got a tweet I'm posting. Fuck it, I'm just gonna post it where you can see the dick. LAUGHTER Happy April Fool's, everybody.

Okay, you ready for the tweet? Do you have your phone? Yeah. Okay, I'm just gonna pull up Twitter. Yeah, pull up Twitter. This is the tweet I'm sending sending out today for April fools. Okay. Okay. Hold on. Just so that it's clear from the moment I got here you've been sitting here giggling and being like I just got to get ready to post it. I just got to get ready to post it. Hold on a second. Delete tweet. Delete tweet. Delete tweet. Hold on. I'm really excited about this tweet right now. Okay. I thought I'd share. Sorry. Are you on Twitter? Okay, yes. Do you see it? I thought I'd share the rejected artwork for the billboards we put I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. like that. I just, I don't, my God. It looks so good. I wonder how that. You have a two-tone cock. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it looks like it's like real light headed. I have a big, that's my, that, that scar on my dick is from my, but that looks really light. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was, I lit the room and so, no, but like, why are there so many different shades? I've been stretched out a little bit Have you ever had an STD? What have you had of course? What do you have clap?

Where'd you get it? This girlfriend a girlfriend gave it to you. Yeah, it was a fucking worst wish you a whore No, I won't say that about her. I you know, it's so funny. I because I have such a I want to say that about her. I'll just say it was odd that she got it from one dude. Dude it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. Is that only had sex with two people with two women at that point? Two women. And so when I make that real clear. I only had sex with two women and so how do you 22? There's right one I backed out back from Russia and so this was your girlfriend when you

had gone to Russia? You were talking about A-Rabs when we got here. Can you not cough? Sorry. Anyway I've been had it backwards. I'm gonna. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can you not cough? Sorry. Anyway. I've been, had it backwards. I almost prayed myself. There you go. Okay. There you go. It's gone.

No, it was dude. It was really hard because I got it. And I, what had happened? I have a test coming by the way. I have a COVID test coming. For us? For me. Wait, here?

Well, I'm getting it today. When? Later today. Wait, how did you get it? This is white privilege. Yeah. Wait, how did you, do you think you have COVID? No, no, but it's gonna tell me if I have the antibodies, meaning have I had it. Because there's people who are asymptomatic, you know. So wait, what, like, how did you get that? I just called a doctor. Like a doctor, doctor, doctor drew? No, but a different doctor, really? How much did it cost? Wasn't that much? How do I get one? Give me six grand.

It's a- What? What? What? Wait, wait, is push getting it tested? Obviously you're not gonna just go. I'm cool, good luck, you're in the beach. You're in the outdoor house.

Yeah, I'm in a, you want one? Yeah. All right, I'll get you one. Fuck yeah, I want one. But I think for your house, it's more on brand if only you get tested. I think so too. You know what Leanne said today? She goes, she said, I said something,

she went, I had a nightmare I got COVID last night. And I went for real. And she goes, yeah, like I just terrified. You had to take care of the girls and I went, hold on. I go, if you got COVID, I would, I would have taken care of the girls. She goes, yeah, for two weeks, you'd have to do either school work, you'd have to help Georgia with her school work. Like you'd have to clean the house, feed the dogs. And I was like, all of a sudden, I got real panic. And I was like, please let me get COVID first. Please let me get COVID first. I could not do what she does. Do you think she sometimes sits quietly alone

and is like, I'm a martyr? Oh, yeah, not even quietly. Yesterday it was out loud. It was, dude, did you see DAC Shepard and Christina Bell? Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell, Kirsten Bell. They were like, they did Katie Curric show and they're like, how you guys getting along and they're like, not good at all.

No, I didn't see that. They're like, we're fighting like cats and dogs. We're at each other's throats. And then Zach just got up and left. No. Yeah, Zach was the funniest one because she, I think Christina was going to be like, at first like, who's Christina? Christina Bell.

Kirsten Bell. Okay. Kirsten was going to be like, uh, yo, um, like, Kirsten or, Kristen? Kristen. Kristen Bell was like, I'm cool. And who's Zach? Wait, what story are you telling?

You said Zach got up and left. Zach, Zach, Zach, Zach. Zach. No, not Zach. Zach. Okay. Zach's got up and left and was like, was like, we're fighting like cats and dogs and got up and like, you could tell

there was a little alpha dog shit going on where he was like, he like made a loud noise and you could see her but like, it's not funny. They're like, how long have you been fighting? He's like, I've been told about eight minutes ago. Wow. That was the first time I will say because they are a Hollywood couple.

I've been wanting to say this. You and Christina should try to do like to like De-throw them as the Hollywood Real down to earth couple because that's like that's like there's like the down to earth couple You know what hey guys no more rent for our attendance I saw that was really fucking cool them. It's very cool that then you're like Jesus. They own residential buildings And then you're like, Jesus, stay on residential buildings. Hahaha. Bordea, like you all is good.

Yeah. How much money does she make? Hahaha. Well, don't forget. Actually, his podcast is like one of the biggest in the world. He's got a podcast. Dax Shepard. Yeah.

It's huge. Really? Yes. What's it called? What's it called? Armchair expert. I think is what it's called, right? Yeah. It's enormous. By the way, thatchair expert, I think is what it's called, right? It's enormous.

By the way, that was acting. I know these podcast. By the way, just wanted to test out my acting. Your acting was great. Is it celebrity podcasters? I've never listened to it, but I know that it's a big podcast. It's really big. I don't know.

I haven't heard either, but I know that it's really, really big. Is it celebrity podcast where he speaks celebrity talk and talks like a therapist and all the shit He's learned through his growth as a celebrity. Where's it fucking real? Uh, I bet it's the ladder I fucking like the former What you met the former not the ladder I don't know what I said Like do you think how here's my question do you ever think at the end? He tells his editors like I don't know what I said. I don't know what I said. I don't know what I said. I don't know what I said. Like do you think, here's my question.

Do you ever think at the end he tells his editor, is like, hey, edit out that drinking and driving shit. I hope it's like, like, I'm a little bit of a podcast snob. Yeah. Because yeah, because I was been doing it, I've been a podcast snob. Yeah. Because yeah, because I've been doing it, I've been in podcasting since it started. So like, I get a little rubbed the wrong way when I see like a TV pitch as a podcast. And then you see like the network suits put their thumbprint all over it. Well, everybody was doing the backlit, at least in our world, like comedians, when Conan got a podcast, and then he got all the press. People were like,

because he was on the cover something like top 10 podcast. Or like revolution, I can pocket everybody was like, what are you talking about? And everyone loves Conan. They were just like, I love Conan too. I love Conan. And I'm I bet his podcast is fantastic. He's an amazing interviewer. But I just there's something that rubs me wrong when I see celebrities get into podcasting and not really give a fuck about it. Just know that they're, I'm not saying that Zach's doing this at all, but I'm saying like,

that when they go, I just need a more good... Who's Zach? Fucking Dax, Dax, Dax. Fucking Dax, I'm sorry, Dax. I actually like Dax a lot. I actually like Dax a lot. I fucking was a huge fan of his on punk when punk was out Yeah, I was loves him in punk

I'm I and then all those other shit. I fucking I think he's awesome chips Fucking great. I'm trying to stretch for shit. I've seen him and Trying to think of he's an idiocracy. He's oh He's awesome in the other money. Yeah, he's great in idiocracyy. He's great man. He's awesome and I love him in Christina Now I'm now I'm doing it on purpose. Yeah him in Christine Kristen Bell. Yeah, I think but you guys should be throwing them How should we do it should we go to their house? No, no, no, just you guys need to reach out to people and be like Tom has a hilarious way of waking up his children We would never do that. Hey, no, Christina shares, that's your wife.

Christina shares hilarious video of kids serenading daddy when he got home from work. That's right, I remember now, I just had a flashback to when he got her a sloth, right? By the way, that was a great fucking video. That was a great fucking video. That was a legit fucking awesome. Like I watched, I didn't know who she was.

I knew she was, but like I didn't know, I didn't know she's as talented as she is. Like you celebrity gets so fucking broadstroke that you start to dislike people as celebrities and forget they're so talented. I think it's like what Johnny Depp did right was like, I get it, I'm an actor and I like that, but you shouldn't worship me. I'm just a fuck up dude. Did he do that? Dude, he wouldn't do press-free shows and he'd go on to be notoriously difficult. And I think this is back when we wanted our celebrities

to be like, like, soft-shoeing it on David Letterman. And now I think it's flip where it's like every celebrity, I would say there's a majority of celebrities aren't even that talented, you know? Yeah. And then you see someone like Kristen Bell who is I'm talking, tits talented. She is so fucking talented.

What do you watch her stuff or something? Uh, she's, every fucking frozen. She's in frozen. She's the fucking... She's the voice of frozen. She's the, what are things? She sings in frozen. Really? Dude, she is amazingly talented. Yeah, good point. Kristen Bell's fucking, by the way, Yeah, good point Kristen Bells fucking by the way this not to like The Kristen Bell is fucking legit look at that dude legit Can you imagine if that's your fucking mom and your mom singing your mom singing the frozen theme songs? I know the CRIME DB Kristen Bells the fucking tits in Hollywood

She is the one of the most talented people in our fucking city So I know that she's a, what was that show that she just, like the show that she's having? The Great Place. The Good Place. The Good Place. The Good Place. She was a Veronica Mars!

Go to just the pictures and, we can't read that. Go to just the known for. And let's see the pictures. Yeah. She was a very's see the pictures. Yeah She was here. She was very prefers pictures She was in forgetting ceremonial. She was awesome. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Dude Kristen Bell's legit fucking talented. Yeah, yeah, I agree. I agree She needs a fucking podcast now scroll down Central Park TV, the good place, the good place.

Let's get off our fucking TV work. Jesus Christ, let's see some real fucking shit. Choose and Teen Titans go. The movie? Family guy, dude. The disaster artist? What is that one? That's the one that, what's his name?

Who made that girl blow him? Buffalo 66? No, no one that, uh, what's his name? Who made that girl blonde? Uh, Buffalo 66? No, no, no, the other, uh, what's your name? Have you ever seen? No. The good looking guy, what's his name? James Franco. I remember he held that girl's head down.

Not in the movie in real life. Yeah. I can't be a part of slandering James Franco. He goes to my spin class. I'm not slandering him. You fucking... That girl, a girl, an actress accused him of like, oh, for real?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, look it up, pull it up. Everyone's done that once though, right? Just grab a little pony tail and be like, and I'm in control. I think two women say five women, but it just keeps increasing. I saw James Franco, I saw James Franco in my spin class. Yeah. five women, but it just keeps increasing. I saw James Franco, I saw James Franco in my spin class.

I really shouldn't put this out there. If I could put it out there now that the spin class is closed. I was going into the bathroom and there was a naked dude showering. And the curtain was kind of open. You could even say there was just a dude showering. A naked, he was naked, he was naked. I guess even say there was just a dude showering. A naked, he was naked, he was naked. Okay. I guess I could say he was a dude showering. Dude showering and he, I saw him kind of,

and I thought, that's James Franco. I didn't even see his face. I just saw his back and the side of his cheek and his beard was so recognizable. I thought, that's James Franco. I thought that to myself. I thought, and's James Franco, I thought that to myself. I thought, and I was like, what are the odds James Franco is showering at my spin class?

I go out, I put my shoes on, and fucking James Franco walks out, and dude, I am a huge James Franco fan. I think he's fucking awesome. When he played James Dean in that fucking movie, yeah, dude, come on. I think we should add to Burtus interruptus the drinking game. I am a huge fucking movie. Yeah. Dude, come on. I think this we should add to purchase interruptus the drinking game. I am a huge fucking fan. Because you're never a casual fan. I've never I've never just kind of been like Kristen Bells the fucking yeah, she is Hollywood's

gem. Without Kristen Bell Hollywood not would not I don't know how every role doesn't go to her first. James Franco is the best actor of our generation. Jesus Christ. Yeah, he's great. Who's the girl who's had he held down? What? By the way, James Franco is never gonna like us now.

Well, I'm just saying, I'm not saying he did it. I wanna be clear. I'm saying that a well-known actress Are you talking about are you talking about blowjob handle on the back of her head type stuff? Well, that's what I thought would be interesting to pull up right if you're in a car Where are your hands supposed to go? You can't put them in the steering wheel right like not like sparked right? You're not would it like you're supposed to go put them up like this like this right This is on the steering wheel this on her head

Yeah, isn't that what it yeah, yeah, like if you're driving if you're driving you put your hand on the back Red that's where it naturally lands yeah, hand on the back of the head or on the base of her neck and you grab it like this Wait who that's a joke everybody force roadhead, go to force roadhead. That's what he searched. Oh. That is not how to find the result. Go to his Wikipedia, just. First off, have you ever looked anything up before?

Nadav. You're the reason people hate Israelis. Man, people really hate Israelis too. They do? Oh, Jewish people hate Israelis. Man, people really hate Israelis too. They do? Oh, Jewish people hate Israelis. Oh, I see what you mean, America is American. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think everyone else in the entire fucking universe also.

I mean, Palestinian aren't huge fans. So, I got it. You're still Gali Shady. That's what I'm talking about. Ali Shady. See? What? Yeah. Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... She was the one who said that it was try. I don't know, I'm reading the fucking article, man. Ali Sheezy's like, fucking 56. Wait, she can't suck your dick? No, I'm just saying it's an odd choice for James Franco to go, you know what? I'm gonna go vintage this week.

I mean, maybe. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go and teaking. Go, go, go, go. I think it was good. I think it's an- Wait, I'm sorry, did I just come up with a new phrase of fucking old jigs and teaking La la la la la la la la I think you may have I'm gonna go now now type in James Franco

Allie sheety and you get the bigger story God god is like fucking fully ticked. Talked. Fully ticked. Exactly. Why Alicity calls out Golden Globe winner James Franko on Twitter. She called him out on Twitter. Okay.

What did she say? Man, back in the day, Alicity could get it. She can get it now. Yeah sure Yeah Maybe if you're at a maybe Maybe okay, let's set the scene set the scene and see if I should get it. Okay, you're You're in an antique store Okay, I said by the way I had a fantasy this morning looking at the and drinking coffee out of

her cup and I went, I feel like I'm about to fuck a divorcee who lives in Sedona. Where her coffee mug was, it was like old and big and she had like a sweater on. I was like, oh, she's getting through this. You've been with a man for a while. And a while. You have a bathtub that has a skylight. You look at the stars at night and think about the painting you'll make the next day.

And you're really trying to get good with you right now. Yeah. And you're just trying to be like, who am I? I'm reading a lot, I'm meditating. What you need, what if Ali Shin is down? What if Ali Shin is a big fan of our podcast and we didn't know that? What if Christine, Kristen Bell,

Daxette Shepard and Ali Shin are all in a road trip right now? And they're like, this fucking podcast sucks. James Franco's on a motorcycle. Yeah, I'll run down, fucker! I think you definitely lost Franco right there. Franco's my guy, I'm a big Franco fan. I remember when I saw him showering, and I was like, that looks like him. By the way, Nadob looks like Seth Rogan

after the quarantine. That's good. Are you afraid you got the COVID? No, here's the thing, I cannot be convinced that I haven't had it. I think I've had it. Because I get everything. I get sick 10 times a year.

I'm always getting sick. And I think it's whatever. I've tested my immune system. It's not that. I just feel like as travelers and as of just a regular piece of shit, I always get sick. I feel like I got it. I feel like I got it. I feel like I got it.

And knowing that so many people are asymptomatic, I'm like, I just gotta find out. How many people are asymptomatic? A tons, really. Yeah. And then other people have had it and had mild reactions to it. You know what I mean?

Like a cough and then they recover it. So it affects people differently, and that's what makes me so curious. I was shocked. What Sputrogon was that Michael yo got it. Yeah, he was in great shape. Michael yo's in great shape.

Really healthy guy takes care of himself and he ended up with pneumonia. I traumatized my children watching his fucking, where he's like, you die alone. And George is like, maybe we shouldn't be watching. And they tell you when I've seen other stories in the news about like one lady, a nurse helped her face time her mother so that she could say bye because she and then she died, you know I like when we were doing sexual assault stories It was more fun. Jesus Christ. Did you tell your kids that I told my kids?

I said Georgia wanted to go on a wanted to go over to a friend's house I said no, I'm letting her go on bike rides with her friends like they can ride bikes and And that's fine, but not like hang out can't do anything. Because you can't just keep them in their fucking house they'll lose their goddamn mind. Ila hasn't done anything. Ila hasn't changed out of the same pajamas in like a week and she just is cool with it like she doesn't give a fuck. She likes it. She sleeps till two. She looks too. Oh, that kid sleeps. Time to she go to bed.

Uh, like two in the morning. She's up all fucking night. She doesn't wait. I mean, she's. What grade is she in? I don't know. Fucking, who knows? She, how old is she? She's 13. She's in eighth grade. She's going in tonight. Um, but yeah, Eilah is just is on her own.

You know what she got? Like, I was telling this something of the day. She wants to, she, we sat down and watched a movie last night. She goes, pull up black water. You know what? She goes black water. It looks great, dad. Type in black water. It was the, this is what she wanted to watch with me last night. So movie with Mark Ruffalo. Not the one with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Not, there's a lot of black waters. James, it's with Blackwater with Mark Ruffalo. It's a movie about DuPont flooding the waters with...

I saw the trailer. It looks terrible. I go, why would you want to watch it? It's so depressing. I mean, you'd get into a thriller tonight. And I was like, why don't we look for something else? And she goes, all right, pull up 1917. I go, wait, who have you been hanging out with? World War One movie.

Yeah, and then she was like, fine, onward. And that's the one where the dude loses half his body. Ah. No, I pitched it wrong. It's good. It's like, I think like Spider-Man's in it. It's a long, I'm really pitching it. These are these corporate corruption ones are I always get bummed out by that.

I never can I like oh and then they're dumping their toxic shit everybody got aids in this town and like I always sit there on the other side of it and go Don't snitch man. Just keep your jobs. Stay happy. Yeah, I never Side on the right side of those. Like, and all of them. I'm always like, why are you fucking snitching? Like, shut your fucking mouth, get your paycheck, and hang out with your family man. Go to the country club, they love you.

Why are you fucking, he was good to you. He gave you a fucking job. Exactly, if somebody gives you a job, you shut the fuck up. The firm, yeah. When Tom Cruise decides to take him down, I'm like, what are you doing, man? They're sending you to the fucking Cayman Islands once every quarter to go scuba diving.

Fucking relax, man. Take it easy, let people steal. I would be horrible about that. I don't know if I'd snitch. You know when you snitch, when the your attorney presents you with either or, that's how it happens. Everybody goes like, I want a snitch, I want a snitch, I want a snitch, I want a snitch when the your attorney presents you with either or that's how it happens. Everybody goes like I want a snitch, I want a snitch, I want a snitch, and then there's

a time when your attorney sits across from you and goes here's the deal. They're making you an offer. You can either talk and do 16 months at a fucking country club jail where you can play racquetball during the day or you're gonna do 35 years. I couldn't do 35 years in the straight. I couldn't do that. Yeah, I burnt it. Oh, it's an inch so quick in that. I would never be the guy. I never be a whistleblower. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would never be a whistleblower. At all. I just would I would want to keep it the way I am. He thinks Zach would? Who? Zach.

He means Dax. Oh, sorry. Dax is a whistleblower. You think so? Oh, fuck yeah. Why? Cause he's, he's married to Kristen Bell. What does that have to do with anything? Like they're fucking good. Oh, like he, he's a good guy. He'd definitely be a whistleblower. Like he's not a company man, you know? Like he seems like a guy who does his own thing. He used to party man. How do you know that? I saw an interview with him when he talked about his sobriety and how much he's sober now.

Yeah, and Kristen Bell smokes weed, like legit vape pen. You've been doing that sound a lot. I know, I don't know what, A. Where did that come from? I have no idea, I started doing it. Did you get a horse recently? You're always doing that now. I'm doing it a lot.

Yeah. Hey. Um, you did your hand thing. Yeah. No, he, one time he was drunk in his motor cycle fell on his leg. So how do you know all these things about you? I know weird facts about that, that, that, just because I like,

I was a fan of his. I was like a legit, like I liked him. And so like, an article would come up. And like, I like that whole age of those dudes. Like the, Ashton Kutcher, Dax, that whole generation was when I thought I should have been famous.

Like I was, I was like, I should be getting a job, or I should be working or booking something with these guys. Basically, I thought me and Ashton would be such close friends. Well, it's like one time, one time, yeah, one time. At the, um, at a radio, uh, my talk show, I had a talk show on FX called the X show. And, oh, that's right. my talk show, I had a talk show on FX called The Act Show. And that's right. I interviewed him and he came in and he was like, he was like, hey, it got like a beer or something.

And I was like, yeah. And I was doing the interview. So I went in and grabbed a couple of hines and I sat with him and we talked and he was the coolest fucking guy. He was like, yeah, I just built a deck. Like, and I was like, really? And he was like, yeah.

And he was very down to earth. He was pitching himself a little two down to earth deck. Like, and I was like, really? And he was like, yeah, and we, he was very down to earth. He was pitching himself a little two down to earth. Like, you could tell it was a little branding. Like, he was like, he was slamming Valets. Like, I don't know that Valets. No one fucking gets in my car and drives my car. The fuck, that's an L.A. thing. I'm old school.

I find a parking spot. And I was like, eh, let it go. Like, I remember being like, I love Valets. Like, get with the times, Captain. But we had a couple of Heineken's and talked about this deck he build at his house. He told me where he lived. I was like, he used to live right off Franklin, I think,

is where he said, and he was like, yeah, man, she'd come over and I was like, no, 100%, 100%. I was thinking, this is what I was single too. I was like, can you imagine the pussy that gets kicked out of there at 2am? I'm like, that's fucking top shelf for me. But yeah, and so Sean, Sean William Scott.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sean William Scott, Aston Croucher, Aston Croucher. I haven't seen that guy in a while. I think he has legit, there's a huge deep dive you can do on that guy. Really? Oh yeah, oh yeah. Like, there was, and this is getting into slander territory.

Yeah. But I, but I think he's had, I don't think this is hand slander, but I think there was, he had problems with drugs and alcohol pretty aggressively, like pretty aggressively. Like more than the average dude, I think, like 100%, like, and I say I'm the average dude. Wait, what, 100%, like, and I say, I'm the average dude, and wait, are, are, are my getting into slander territory? No, it's just, it's a fun, verbal ride, you just went on.

But, but I got into a deep dive on that guy, because I said, what happened to Sean William Scott? And then I got into this huge fucking rabbit hole where I had to like text Jason Biggs, and be be like I thought I'd be friends with Jason Biggs like all those guys were like famous. You texted him about about Sean? Oh yeah. To say like what happened?

Uh-huh. And I think I'm gonna roll the bun. And so Woo! So you have wait did you did you get an answer? No, no, no, not really, but I think, I think, I think Hollywood was rough on this guy,

Jason William Scott. Jason William Scott. John, this guy, William Scott, Scott, this fucking Scott guy. The fucking Scott guy, you know the one I'm talking about. I'm bad with fucking names. All right, all right, all right. I haven't drank in like almost 19 days.

Really? Yeah, nothing. Nothing. Oh, well, I drank with, with and spoke with Rogan and I don't count Xanax, but No, I'll tell you you want to know how many days I haven't drank. I've got a timer on my phone. Okay Sean William Scott is I thought like myself him Ashen Coacher, DAC Shepherd, we'd all be boys. We'd hang out, we'd make fun of fucking, we'd make fun of the kid from, who's the guy, we make fun of like, what's the guy from the fucking thing? Nevermind, god damn it. You don't know where any of that was going.

Fashion model. What does this say he's going now? He's a private guy. He's got hand tattoos. He got hand tattoos. He married somebody last year. He has a dog named Dude. He seems like he's doing well.

Based off it was a Wikipedia. You ready? 16 days, 23 hours, 21 minutes, and seven seconds. Since you had a drink? Any drink? Okay. 16 days, 23 hours, 21 minutes, and seven seconds. Since you had a drink? Any drink? Technically. Technically. Wait, what's technically?

Well, like, I drank with Rogan, but I don't count it. Why do you not count that? Because it was with Rogan. That doesn't make any sense. It does, it's work. Like, it's not- No, you gotta reset that so it's accurate. We're not resetting it, we got 16 days.

Well, how many days do you really have? 16. No, when did you drink with Rogan? Last Tuesday. Right? Yeah, no, no Monday last Monday. So it's not 16 days. It's whatever, it's 16-ish days.

It's eight, nine, it's 10 days. It's 10 days, but it's 16 total. Man, that's why I'm not an alcoholic, because I can like an alcoholic. I wonder, okay, you should never negotiate for yourself. Ever, on anything. I mean, I'm taking it that Leanne speaks up, right? When, oh, yeah.

Okay, buying a house or a car. I think you, I bet you're like, whatever. I folded so quick, remember we were talking about we wanted to redo this house. Yeah. Wanted like all the things we wanted to do are kind of like shifting based on the economy. And like things where I was like, fuck it, I don't care. Or now shifting back to like, okay, leave it. things we wanted to do are kind of like shifting based on the economy and like

things where I was like fuck it I don't care or now shifting back to like okay leave it the way it is yeah and dude I folded so quick on that pool do you remember I was talking to you about the pool I folded so quick on that fucking pool I actually thought because and it's not crazy if you know Bert he's like I think I want to move my pool and I And I thought, I thought he meant that he was going to take the pool at his current house and have it like excavated and moved. And I was like, this is the dumbest fucking thing

you have ever said, but you meant. I wanted to, the current pool at the house. The new house. The new house, which I don't know if we'll ever live in, is in a really bad spot. It just is not my favorite spot to put a pool. It's just stupid. It's like someone put a pool in 1972 and it looks like it's from 1970.

By the way, it's like fucking 15 years old. Can I ask you this about a pool like that, when you go, I want a pool in a different spot. Does that mean do they fill it in and just go like that becomes? First off. Yeah. Because you don't actually move, right? No, no, no, no, yeah.

They tear the pool out, they rip it out. Oh, they rip out the rebar. So it's basically, fill that with dirt. Where it was. No, no, no, no, no. This is why, so initially I was like move the pool and they're like it's gonna cost a lot of money. I said, I don't care.

I'm not gonna live in the house. I'm gonna live in for the rest of my life with the pool where it is. I don't like it there. I want it to be where I want it to be. Like I want it, it's like, if the house is here, the pool's here up against the fence. You're like, why wouldn't it be in the middle of the yard

where you walk out in the backyard? You see it's like a pool. Yeah, yeah. And so they're like, it's gonna cost a lot. I was like, I don't care. I don't care. I just, whatever it costs. Just do it. Don't tell me what it costs. Because if you tell me what it costs, I won't want to do it. But and I'll tell you why because whatever we spend on this pool right now is

someone's made fun of me because it's not the biggest pool. It's not, it's like, but I'm in it every fucking day. You love your pool. I love it. I love it more than anything and I said to Leanne, it doesn't matter. When you're gonna use something every single day, cost doesn't matter.

It's a part of your life at lifestyle, so it makes you happy. I get in the pool every fucking night, every morning, every night and I get in it and I look up at the King Palm and I sit back and I feel like I'm taking a vacation. I don't think about anything. I love it. like I'm taking a vacation. I don't think about anything. I love it. So I said, I don't care what the price is. Let's move the fucking pool. I want

to be in it every single day. And then they told me the price and I was like, all right, I can live with the pool. Where I mean, you got to tear out that pool. Then not just fill it in with dirt. You've got to regrade all. You got to take all the dirt out everywhere, right? In the whole backyard, you got to remove all the dirt and then replace it because if you just dig out and try to pack this, this dirt isn't stable anymore. Don't you wish you were one of those types, like the, the guy, like those shows where they go, we're going to redo this house and you knew how to do all those things? What's the one where it's the couple? You know what I mean? Where she's like-

Triple Joanna. Yes, and she's always like, you're a fucking idiot. He's like, I love you. I love just a good old boy having a good old time with a brick. Hey, Jon and Joe catch this. Their whole vibe is he's like, I can't believe she lets me fuck her.

And then, and then her, she's just like, I can't believe I fucked this guy. That's how they come across on every episode. Yeah. But don't you admire that he's like, he's like, yeah, I'll just fucking build a whole new wing onto this thing and then he just does it in like, but that's the whole mantra of the show.

Is they doubled down on Waco. They're doing houses in Waco, Texas. There's so many articles about... She's so dismissive of him. I think she's sexy as fuck. No, she is, but I'm saying she's always just like, like her vibe is like, I'm stuck. Yeah.

But I think that's, you know what? I really think they got into television at the time where scripts told them who they were, I think that's, you know what? I really think they got into television at the time where scripts told them who they were, I think. And said like, dictated the dynamic. You know what works for us a little bit? Like in the, she hates your guts. You can't believe, yeah.

You can't believe you're lucky enough to be married to her. Yeah. And then you need to be a little more. And I think they just leaned into it. I don't think, I think they would argue with that. They go, this is our relationship. But I guarantee you. They're so upper, yeah. But I wish it just leaned into it. I don't think they would argue with that. They go, this is our relationship. But I guarantee you. They did it so upper, yeah.

But I wish he, I fucking, I can't watch your show. I'm not a big fan of the show. To be dead honest to you, I am more attached to, I'm not an HGTV guy, I'm a DIY guy. Like, DIY is a lot of the real people doing it themselves so I can connect with that. I so, I can't do any of those things. Oh, anything.

I'm such a fucking incompetent shit when it comes from anything handy. I mean, I've had, I've called people to come to the house and then they've been like, just push that and I'm like, oh, sorry. And they're like, it's okay. Do you fantasize when you see like building off the grid or main cabin builders? Oh, yeah, all that shit, man. I look at that and go. Last night I watched the building off the grid

in at a South Carolina with this guy who was in love with colored shirts apparently. Yeah. That's all he fucking wore was colored shirts to do all his work in. And I fantasized about like, I said, Leanne, why the fuck are we here? Let's go to the fucking, let's build a yurt.

I've seen so many yurts been built. A what? A yurt. Let's go to the fucking, let's build a yurt. I've seen so many yurt's been built. A what? A yurt. What's that? It's like a pull up a yurt. It's easier to show you than explain to you. But it's basically a pop up tent that they come, like pre-assembled.

They come where all you gotta do is assemble them. You've gotta build the foundation, but then you just kind of like. You put like that in your yard? No, I wanna put it in the mountains and then live in a yard. I lived in a, I went up and stated a yard at like 8,000 feet, 7,000 feet in Idaho. I think it was in Idaho.

I have fanness, I hope that my kids don't like camping. That don't like camping? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why, you don't like camping? I hate camping. I love, I love the first night of camping. I hate the next morning. When you're hungover and you're like, wow, I didn't sleep at all. Yeah, and you're like wow my balls smell like fucking wolf

I was scratching my ass the other day like really scratching it and then I was in bed I got distracted and I was like oh you know what they should do I took Christina She goes what I go they should flatten your nose out like I would I would love from the and I went like that and I flattened her nose And she was like what the fuck? And I go what she goes She goes did you just scratch her ass and I was like oh, yeah, wow ago. She was like could you not? Rub it all over my face and I go I did a rubber art. She just I got a rubbar she just pushed you

I'm doing the land and I'm putting it on Instagram. Yeah, you know it'd be great if they flattened your nose out like it was flat Yeah, and just like have a real you gotta get a good Oh, I showered for the first time in a week today Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean is it are we using your same alcohol counter? Is it actually? It might be two weeks. I haven't been showering a lot So I've been getting in the pool and I count those a shower so I'm like that is one of You know that is viewed as one of your gnarliest traits, right? It's not showering. Uh people Have decided that the brand is really gross. They go,

Bert Poole-Showers. Those are the bad showers. I pull-showered my whole life. Is it a saltwater pool? Chloe, and then I rinse off in the hose. That's a shower. Legit, shower. No soap in any part of that.

First wash off the bad stinky parts. But how do you wash it? Just with hose, you hose it out. But that's not washing though. Yeah, but I'm not using soap, but what is soap technically? What? What? I mean, like, is there anyone,

is there anybody any scientific facts on soap is better for you than just rinsing? I think we know that soap is antibacterial. No, that's all of it. Like not like the, what, soaps are made from fats and oils. So you're just saying I'm rubbing fats and oils on my body and then and that's better for me than I the soap using the shower is not antibacterial. No, it's just no, it's just it's just fats and oils

So I think I think you get just a good shower with a hose Look you always have real strong arguments But I don't know how is soap. What, what's the base of makeup of soap? Look, fats and oils. Milk, fats, oils, glycerines, and natural ingredients. Yeah. Samponification is lie. It's alcanine.

But is soap just inherently antibacterial? No. No. There's antibacterial soap, and then there's soap. Like soapy dial isn't antibacterial? No. No. There's antibacterial soap and then there's soap. Like soapy dial isn't antibacterial. Typing is dial antibacterial. Dial was made antibacterial, but not anymore. So what does it say?

I'm not anymore. It's, yeah, it says now it's ingredients of benzocloridamine and benzolathetholamine. Antimicrobial, it's anti-microbial, very different. Healthier skin, healthier for you. They basically want you to rub shit into your skin so that you feel clean or be cool. No, I know there's a lot of gross pigs out there

who like, they live like an anti-soap lifestyle, you know? Like they, I don't live an anti-soap ant and I do it or in but I just go you anti-dodor it. No, no, I'm pro deodorant I'm pro deodorant not anti-perspirant. You know what I'm really like in right now? Dry spray deodorant. Oh, I only got into it like a couple months ago. Have you ever used dry shampoo? No That's fucking awesome. Well look at this head. Do you think I really need? Oh, yeah, I guess Are you are you done? Are you not gonna get dry shampoo? No. That's fucking awesome. Well, look at this head, do you think I really need? Oh yeah, I guess. Are you done? Are you not gonna get hair transplant?

No. I thought about it because I'm a comedian. I don't feel like it fucking, you know? But it is a press, depressed you to get older. No. I guess a press getting older. No, I've always felt like I was old. So really?

Yeah. I just feel like it, I actually feel like I'm coming more into my self that I'll be like at fifth year ones like that's who I always thought you were. Yeah. Does it bum you out when you hear Christina talk about aging? Cause she's older than you and Leanne's older than me. We both married older women. Yeah. Does it bum you out when she talks about like like, oh, I'm going to be 40, whatever, whatever. And you're like, stop. Like I always go, Leanne, Leanne keeps going,

Leanne started telling everyone, I'm 50. I go, you're not 50. She goes, yeah, I know, but I'm gonna be 50. I go, no, don't say that. That's really sad. Like don't say that. Like if you say, I go, you should. Does it bummer out to be turning 50?

No, she loves it. Oh, she does. She's fucking loves it. She's like, I've always been an old soul. And I was like, well, say, if you tell everyone you're 50, that's fine. Just make sure to go, he loves it. Oh, she does fucking loves it. She's like I've always been an old soul And I was like well say if you tell everyone you're 50 that's fine. Just make sure to go he's not He's 47. He's a lot younger than me. Like just point out. I'm younger your old This doesn't sound like what you brought up is what you the point you So do you wait who's older, Kristen Bellard Dax? Who do you think, I'd Dax is probably 10 years older

than her? I don't think so. She's gotta be 20, she gotta be 32. He's easily 45. She's 39. Whoa. He's 45. You're nailed.

Like, nailed that. Yeah, Jim born January 2nd, 1975. Okay. 39, she does not look 39. I guess she does, maybe. Indina Menzel, who's that? Is the other voice and frozen. Oh.

She's fucking amazing. What would you rather do, be able to sing or dance? Oh, sing, right? Yeah. I would love to be able to just To the kind of always give us a give us a sample right? Pick a song How about God bless America God bless America. Out of more of a pop song.

God bless America. I have a great fucking voice. I'm thinking more like something like Envogue or something or Rihanna or something. Oh, I don't know. Give me a song real quick. Give me the lyrics to a song. I'm an improv.

Pick out a song. I mean, I know you're never gonna get it by Envogue. Okay. Never gonna get it. You never gonna improv it. Pick out a song. I bet you're never gonna get it. By invoke. Okay. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Not this time. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. I this time never gonna get it never gonna get it never gonna get it I remember how it used to be you never was this nice you can't fool me now you're making me change The more you talk the more things sound the same what makes you think you can get back into her life

I don't remember no, that was really life. I don't remember. No, no, that was really good. I don't remember how the chorus goes. No, no, I think we're good there. Do this. Pull up a song, pull up a song, and I will freestyle it, and I will pick up a song I don't know. Like something from Bieber, someone who's hot. What's the girl's name that married dated Pete Davidson?

Ariana Grande. Oh, Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande. Yeah. Just pick out anything that I don't know that, like I don't know the lyrics too. I already know that. Thank you next.

You already know that song? I think I do. Okay, just Ariana Grande lyrics. There you go. Okay. Pick one of those songs there. How about it? I don't know. No you go. Okay. Pick one of those songs there. How about- No tears left to cry.

No tears left to cry. So, okay. So I'm a free-style it. Okay. No tears. Let's do a duet. Let's do a duet. Right there.

No tears left to cry. Okay. All right. You ready? I feel like you, this is really your time to shine. Okay, when I throw to you, can you help me with the chorus? Okay, wait, let's go to the chorus. The chorus is I'm picking it up. I'm picking it up, picking it up.

Loving my living, I'm returning it up. We're giving it up, we're turning it up. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I love him, I live in a maternity ward, we're giving him a maternity ward, we're turning it up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha like all the time I ain't got no tears left to cry. So I'm picking it up, I'm picking it up. I'm loving, I'm living, I'm picking it up, I'm picking it up, I'm picking it up, I'm loving, I'm living, I'm picking it up, oh yeah. I'm picking it up, picking it up, loving, I'm living, I'm turning it up picking it up I'm living I'm living I'm turning it up Turning it up

Ain't got no tears in my body I ran out boy, but boy I like it I like it I like it No matter how what where, who tries it? We're out here. Vibe. Vibe. Vibe. We vibe.

We vibe. Come on out even when it's raining down. Can't it stop, can't shut, your mouth shut, your mouth and baby. You know I'm in that state of mind. What do you think? That was really, really impressive. Yeah. You know what it in that state of mind. What do you think? That was really, really impressive. You know what it reminds me of?

How natural you just are really good at impressions. I feel really good, right? Yeah. Let's take a freestyle. Let's freestyle. Well, I think we're good. I think we did it. I think we could shift to impressions

if you want to go back there. I am always gonna go good for a couple impressions. Or we can take a freestyle beat from Shamus and both throw some freestyle down. Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, I got, I wonder if I saved him under Shamus. Did you see this pussy challenge where people jump on their phone with their pussy?

Yeah, I thought that was a while ago. It wasn't? Yeah, yeah it was, right? Yeah. But you guys were group texting that last night. Do you like that? Yeah, I do. What part of it?

Okay, you ready? Shana said, stop, stop. So I was like saying the N word in my ear. Huh. Okay. All right, you ready? I'm gonna send it to you, Nadav, and then you play it, and then we're gonna freestyle to it, okay?

I'm not freestyle, what are you talking about? We're definitely fucking freestyling. What? We're definitely freestyling. Nadav, I'm texting it to you right now. What are you texting? A beat. I get beats from, so a lot of times, Shamus from Cesar Face.

Yeah, Cesar Face. He'll, like, you really worship, worship not worships But he respects my my bars and so I'll spit bars to him and he'll be like thanks man I needed that right now. So he'll send me he sends me be sends me beats. Yeah, don't get beats now You don't get beats from James. I don't get beats were shameless here I'll send you a couple Nadav and then you pick the one that you like the best do we have to go yet? No, no, we still got plenty of time. Let's see how my post is doing on Instagram. Oh, yeah on Twitter Do you put it did you put it on Instagram? I put it on Instagram, but Instagram pulled it down already. I'm sure they did You got beats

I'll tell you how many likes it's gotten. It's not doing very well on Instagram. No? No, because not everyone's swiping. They don't know what to do. They're like, ah, cool. I don't care. It's doing well on your own Twitter. For real?

Yeah. Let's see. All right, let's do some freestyle. I really, I really don't think that's gonna happen. You ready? I'm ready to listen to you. I feel like I'm just at the show. Go ahead. We'll go back and forth, right? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the machine and I'm with big Tommy Buns. We do two bears, one cave, have lots of fun. Sometimes we run trains on comedy.

You don't know him, but you better know me. My name is Bert, I like to squirt. If you happen's quick, it will not hurt. I like to dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip,ip rip rip on the man go Tommy all pass the flow to you and you pick it up like a penny and a Jew I really enjoyed that come on come on here. We go here. We go His name his name ready. Oh, oh, oh, here we go. Okay, okay. He's Tom Saguera. He's Laura. And then, see, you got it.

That was awesome. Okay. I think you have a natural skill at this. Okay. Okay, keep going. I'm gonna read my free skills. Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.

I have legit free skills, right? Yeah, I ahead. Go ahead. I have legit free stuff. Playwright. Yeah, I got to find. Go ahead. This is OK. Oh, I'd like to see. Let's see. I think my favorite one you want to have, Tim.

You got it. I don't want to get it. Wow. Anytime you try to love you. Uh, no. So you write these down? Pre-written? I pre-wrote some free styles.

Okay. And then I got it. I just got to find them because I take so many fucking... When did you start doing this? You've been... I've been... I've been doing it in my car. You start like just wrapping yourself?

I just got to find, if I type in machine, it'll probably come up. Because I'm sure I've wrapped machine. How many times do you do that? Hmm. Machine. Do people yell machine to you? Yeah. Like when you're walking down the street?

Yeah, I love it. You love it. I fucking love it. Uh, just. What is your rapper name? Yeah, here we go. Do you have one? Yeah. A rapper name?

Yeah. What is it? It's, uh, Edward Peanus Lips. So are we going to get your actual, your written lyrics? We're gonna, I'm gonna try. Okay. By the way, these are just, these are free styles that I just voice dictated.

So yeah, same free beat. Alright. Doesn't sound like the same beat. No. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna give up, I'll give up to you. Okay. Okay Okay, I'm gonna give it I'll give it to you guys

Okay Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh getting my time and down here we go Here we go start it right at the top right now Um 47 years young and they call me the machine. Party hard at night. Spin classes in the mo- Okay, messed it up. Do it again, do it again, do it again, do it again. It's really good.

All right, here we go, here we go. Here we go, here we go. Yeah, all right, pick it up at the top. Yeah, uh huh, yeah. Uh, uh, uh. Here we go. 47 years young, they call me the machine. Party hard at night, spin classes, Mickey, Manel, Jean, every time. Oh, you like that though? You like that? Okay, here we go. Hitting the road in the tour bus champ, giving out chest stamp.

Quintet, you little camel channel, cause now they don't mind. And they'll think there's any rapper that talks about the travel jambles. Giving out chest stamp Quick, you have a camel channel cos' now they don't win I don't think there's any rapper that talks about the travel jamble I'm so mad What happened to the lamp? I ran travel jamble and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no Can I do them? No, no, no, no, no, no, no I'm so mad, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Come on Stop coughing with the COVID. Sorry. I'm not even gonna look at them. Okay, but you got a fucking for real rapper I'm gonna perform kind of rap performance. Yeah, okay. Okay, there's the top one I didn't use either. I don't know what that says Okay

Yeah Okay. Yeah. Okay. Turn my headphones up, man. 47 years young, they call me the machine party hard at night. Spin class in the morning with the Mickey Mantle Jean. Tittin' the road on the tour bus, Jim. Giving out chest stamps, quick workin' for travel, Janel. Now it's 44, now my second sword out. Sold out world tour. Body shots first, birdie boy second.

And an up in my scalp, St. Peter's Burgchain checkin'. San Jose, Sacktown and Bakersfield takin' off my shirt. So you know I keep it real. Oh yeah. So the girls put get pussy feels. Not racist, not even a little bit. and Baker's field taking off my shirt so you know I keep it real. Oh yeah. So the girls put get pussy feels, not racist, not even a little bit. I take that back. I'm not a fan of Inuit.

Never met one but I really want to, three months ago I got drug by a Jew. Two kids, three dogs and a cat, full head of hair. Now that's just bullshit You're a lyricist wait tell me you don't love the line tell me no line Not racist I need a little bit I take that back I'm not a big fan of Inuit That was your best ever oh, that was really good, Bert. I'm really proud of you. Never met one, but I really want to three months ago, I got drugged by you. By the way, do

you notice that I would edit on the fly? It was really good. Of all your miss. So maybe that's what maybe that's what we do is I'll write the freestyle as you wrap them. I'll be ice cube, you be easy-e. Okay, okay, yeah, I like it. Yeah, and then we'll put on an album. This is gonna be a huge hit. I think so, we'll have our wives do it. We'll do sketches, skits, like, all.

By the way, I've never, I got, I feel like I have to, I got so many questions about the two bears hat, like on all my social media. I got private ones of dudes hitting me up going, like, hey man, for real, what's you deal with the hat? I've never had anything like that. Here's what hat, so yesterday I hit up our boy, you know, at the hat company.

Yeah. And I was like, hey, what's up? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I saw it as well. And you just, you just tossed it with your in you head. What the fuck, you're lighting up in you it's today. Yeah, you really are. Um, I said, what's the deal? So I paid for the hats. I don't know, I sent you it. What am I called you in light and abin you it's today. Yeah, you really are. I said, what's the deal? So I paid for the hats.

I don't know, I sent you that man. Yeah, yeah. I paid for that like, I don't know, 10 days ago. I go, are they in route? And he goes, let me check. And then he goes, oh, did you request them to come in July? And I was like, of course not. Why would I do that?

And he goes, I think, he goes, I'm checking out two things right now. One is that it was mistakenly ordered later. Oh, that burns. Yeah, I don't know if I would have done that. Oh, fuck that burns. He puts, he puts hand sanitizer in his eyes. It's, then I just, it's them. Go back, that'll help.

Oh. By the way, keep going with the hats. I'm so impressed. I'm so impressed by our freestyle ability together. You did it. As a team. You did it. I write the rhymes, you spit the lyrics.

Yeah, I mean, I thought you were great. Can we do a legit rap video? Let me finish. Okay, sorry. I forgot. So I said, that's fucking crazy. We were on a way till July. We ordered them. So he said it either was mistakenly put in as a or he said, it's possible that because of all the layoffs and the

fire, you know, people that everything is delayed. Here's the thing. We don't know what the answer is yet, but I'm going to find out and I'll report back. That's my update. Okay. All right. So I just try to tell people because I got asked so much. Oh, yeah, okay Now what were you saying? I have no idea. I have no idea. I'm sweating. I'm sweating because you feel like you're I think this has been one of our best episodes because of the wrapping because of the wrapping I think well no, no, no, I think I like I've been I've been obsessed No, no, no, I think I like I've been I've been obsessed with I Do you want to use have a chest cold? No, I have allergies and my allergies are fucking insane right now. Do you have an asthma

inhaler? I don't have an asthma inhaler. I have I didn't want you using it and I felt like I was short of breath. I was like, dude, I'm getting the fucking COVID. I told them, this is how every day works for me. I swear to God, wake up. I feel amazing. I feel amazing. Have a cup of coffee.

Feel great. Right now, this is like my emotional high of the day. Right now. Right now, it's like, especially this podcast has been like a life saver because it's the one time I get out of the house to go hang out with you And then it's been like a fun. It's I'm George I got upset and she goes at least you get to go hang out with Tommy like I was like when she wanted to go on bike rides

Oh, right. Are they not leaving the house at all? No, that's what Georgia can go on bike rides But she can't go and hang out at someone's house right and so she goes well you get to go hang out with Tommy I go yeah, we're both grown-ups We're making money. This pays for our living expenses. This is our podcast. This is what we do. And I really believe it's a service that we're providing for people that are stuck at home. We're creating entertainment. We have a very minuscule crew. It's like four of us. And so it's within the guidelines of what they've asked. And this is our job. She was like, it doesn't, you, but you all you guys do is laugh because she was watching the video. Yeah. She goes, that's not a job, dad. That's you laughing. Tom says a word and you laugh. And I go, yeah, that's my fucking job. Yeah. She's like, well,

it's not fair. I get, I want to go laugh with my friends. I go, yeah, you don't get paid to laugh with your friends. That's true. I do. I also would say that I watched you falling out of the chair 25 times. I watched it. I watched it probably 100. And my daughters both, I told you, I walked in on them watching it alone in the room, especially the Instagram version where it's bleeped. Yeah, and they kept going, what is he saying that made you laugh so hard?

And I was like, by the way, I wasn't gonna say, oh, go look at the podcast, cause then you're gonna see the body of work that we put out. And be like, what the fuck? Yeah, why do you keep calling me stupid here, too? Yeah, Jesus Christ, that. So, but that clip made me laugh. You know what I realized about podcasting?

Like, once a year of all, like, the hundreds of hours of podcasting that I do a year, once or maybe twice a year, I'll laugh that hard. And what I realized after all this time is watching yourself laugh that hard. It's like my brain shifts and I'll start laughing watching it. And I have a few of them that are like burned into my head that I know I can look up. And it actually puts me in a good mood because normally in life, if you laugh that hard, it's a memory like, I remember I laughed that hard, but to have it recorded and you can see yourself losing it. Oh my god. It really, I mean- The hardest I've ever laughed is, I think, almost always has been recorded. Yeah.

The me shaving your tits. Yeah, that was really, yeah. I thought I was having a stroke that day. I thought you were too, I guess. I was sitting on the toilet watching you. That's Bert Shaves' Tom. That's what it's called. It's the funniest. What it was, it was a mix for me. It was a mix of three different things.

It was the mix of like the vulnerability on your face at the time. For those of you who don't know, I'll give you a very quick breakdown. It's the funniest. It's one of the hardest I've ever laughed. But only second to when you shaved my beard, and I said, and I said, how does it look?

And you were crying laughing. And I could not stop. And that's recorded. That's recorded. The other one for me, as actually one of the hardest I've ever laughed was in the dove, titled a file. And I was playing, he sends me clips. I used to do it at the house.

He sent me the clips in a folder for the week. And a lot of times, you know, people think sometimes that, because different shows will do a lot of prep. And the whole thing we've always tried to do in your mom's house is like, I see the, I'll see the folder, and I try to watch them as we're recording, so that the reaction is genuine. And just see where it goes.

And he titled a file. This guy was like, a homeless guy singing. And he had this really raspy voice. And Nadav titled the file, man uses lung infection as an instrument. So I just was like reading them and I started to laugh because I was watching the guy. I started to laugh so hard. I fucking, I seriously thought I was gonna collapse.

I was laughing so, so hard at that. And then also the first time we played the four stroke guy, that's also a high, so there's just clips from the show that I laughed so, so hard. And I can actually watch those. Did you ever see the clip of either rolling in dog shit? from the show that I left so, so hard. And I can actually watch those. Did you ever see the clip of Ila rolling in dog shit? No.

Hold on. Can you type in, go to my Instagram and the dov? You can go to my Facebook, go to my type, type Ila, Bert, Ila,, type a Ila Bert Ila dog shit I a Ila

I'm sure it comes in I'm sure it comes up My daughter rolling in dog shit whatever this is yeah, this is Facebook. This is totally fine. All right play this This is the this is the hardest I've ever one of the hardest I've ever laughed you gotta start up in the big Okay, how old is she here? this is right when we bought the house Did you just roll on dog shit Does smell it smell it smell it smell it smell it smell it Georgia Georgia smell it tell me if it's dog shit smell it Mom! Show me your mom, show me your mom! Mom! I'm the guitarist. Mom! That's not me, she. Listen to me.

We can still living. This is not... No! No! No, no, no, no, no! No! No! No!

No! Hey babe. I was sitting in a beach chair with a glass of wine, hopefully wine and one hand and recording the other and I couldn't move because I couldn't. But that's one of the hardest I've laughed at. When I shaved you, the mix was, it's what it's sometimes what it is is a perfect laugh, is you, we had just gotten to why. We had just been down to the beach

and we went up to shave your back. And I shaved your back. And I were like, this is so good for my OCD. Oh, it was, and I remember going, hey Tom, it's the vulnerability of going, your tit hair connects with your underarm hair. Do you want me to hollow that out for you? And you went, and you went, really?

But you weren't trying to be funny. You were being vulnerable, you were going really? I go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, because I do this all the time. I go off shaving like a little seizer, because I do this all the time. I go off shave you like a little caesar, so it'll tighten up your tits. Like I'll, we'll comb the hair down, we'll trim it out, and we'll shave that out, and it'll look like your muscular, and you're like, really?

And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so I did it, and I was so close to it that I wasn't seeing what I was doing. I was too close to the forest to see the trees that I was chopping down. And I did it. And when I pulled back, it just looked like your tit-roaring sunglasses. And I could not stop laughing because you looked at me and you go,

how's it look? I was, you're not gonna like it. I remember laughing so hard and you kept going, but what you kept saying, which is not in the video, you kept saying, this is our first day. We had a whole week there. You're like, this is our,

I gotta go out the beach, the beach. Like, it looked so terrible. Oh, and then I'd see you walking and I fucking, oh, that was the funniest. That was a really fucking hilarious trip. And now, remember, remember we took the girls to go shooting guns and the guys, and we said to the guy, they got lost going to the bathroom. We go, remember, remember we took the girls to go shooting guns and the guys and we said to the guy they got lost going to the bathroom. Yeah, we go, hey man, by the way, we're on like a

military base on poor, poor, poor armor. Yeah. And we're going to shoot guns with like a fucking lieutenant colonel. And we're like, hey, when the girls come back, give them like a, like a speech of how this is why women in the military because they got lost. And he's like, no, no, I got it. And he's like, no problem. Remember, he was like, uh, no, I got it. He's like, no problem. Remember he was like, yeah, I, we didn't have kids yet. You had your girls and he was like, yeah, I got a girl, but I have a son.

It's the best. Yeah. The girls walked in and he goes, ladies, did you find your way back from the bathroom? This is why, I'll tell you right now, seriously, and he, it was like he wasn't even joking. No, he didn't have to really reach for his improv. And Lutom and I sat there like, wow,

this is more than we thought we'd get from him. Yeah. And push and Lee Ann got angry. Do you remember they got angry? Yeah, and why is he disrespect? Yeah, why is he so disrespectful? And we didn't tell him it was a joke. We were like, oh, I don't know, I got an issue.

It's a military. Hey, we wish Russell had come. We met Russell, we were with Russell Peters. There's another thing that made me, that trip made me laugh so hard. I'll tell you my top five part. We did, but. I'm calling Russell right now.

You are? Oh, I have to. I have to. This is, hold on. This is, this is the hardest I've ever, Russell is such a fucking chill dude. That, he just doesn't like nothing affects him Everything rolls off his back. I wonder if he's awake. Yeah, he's got to be he's got kids And so he was with this girl she was not the brightest and we got on a boat to take a tour of Pearl Harbor

And as we sit down Russell's's like kicked back, relax. And she says, so is this tour above water or underwater? We're in a boat. Yeah, an open, an open air boat. And everyone looks at each other and the got even the, the corpals like, I don't think I understand. She goes like, are we going to be going underwater? Are we going down to,

because we are over the USS Arizona. Yeah. She goes, it's right down here. This is where it's sunk and there's however many, you know, sailors that died on it. And it's right here. And she goes, are we gonna go down right now? Like to see it?

And we're all looking around. We're on a boat. And we're like, what do you mean? She's like, are we gonna go down underneath? I don't know, I just thought these because they were like plastic flaps in case it rains. She goes, I thought these would lower and we go under water and we were like, and we looked at Russell, he just smiled, put his sunglasses on and laid back and went to sleep. Yeah. And that, okay, that time, that made me laugh. The second was never. Yeah, because we had

to be like, this isn't a submarine. This is a boat. That, okay. The second time is when we were getting ready to shoot guns and I remember you go, man, I wish Russell had come with us. This is going to be really cool. And we're like, yeah. And the guy goes, all right, we have one rule here in Pearl Harbor. If it's brown and it moves, you shoot it. And Tom goes, I'm glad Russell didn't come. That and then me, Russell Clayton and you were having and and and Kimberly and I think our chicks are there are having a drink before we go to have dinner. We're having a drink before dinner and I said something like you know I just started recently getting attracted to Indian chicks and do you remember this? And Russell goes really is like yeah there's this porn star and as soon as I said that Clayton's eyes closed and he starts laughing and it's like

Holding it is restraining. Yeah, I go porn star. What's your name? Does anyone know who I'm and I go There's just like an Indian porn star really famous. Oh, she's so fucking hot. Dude that's why I would fuck that and then Russell's girlfriend Goes suddenly leon and I went that's it and she gets up and walks away and Russell goes I used to date her And I went what and he goes to And she gets up and walks away and Russell goes, I used to date her. And I went, what? And he goes, it's my ex-girlfriend. So, hey, thanks, man. And then she comes, and then he comes up and goes, your table's ready. He's like, all right!

Russell was a such a role with it, mother fucker that whole time. Yeah, it was amazing. And then we did the show, and we violated the rules of the show. The other hardest time I ever laughed. Hey, number one thing, do not make fun of Hawaiians, and do not make mention of Pearl Harbor.

And basically, don't go dirty either. And Tom's opening joke. Man, they say island life's slow. I didn't know they were talking about their metabolism. These Hawaiians are fat as fuck, am I right people? Today I was walking around the base and I got lost. Luckily, I ran into a couple Japanese people. While they really know their way around this place.

So anyway. We get off of there like. Oh, they were livid. And then, and then me and Tom were in the back and they're like, you did not do. Guys, Charlie was really upset with us. And then Russell gets on and Tom Leans over and he goes, let's not forget everyone in this base

has been taught one rule. If it's brown and it moves, shoot it. Russell, Russell beaters's is on stage. By the way, can I tell you I just understood and we'll wrap this up soon. I just found, I just realized why it was important for Kumail to get his shredded as he did.

What do you mean? I read an article about him today. I mean, when Kumail got ripped, I kind of was like, I don't know, in a weird way, I was like, oh, like we lost one. Does that make sense? Oh, okay. Like we lost a cool comedian.

Like, because he's such a like a regular comic. Right. But when he got shredded, we're like, fuck, we lost one, you know? That maybe he had changed or his personality was gonna change. So when you're that into your body, you're definitely not, you're not thinking about comedy,

you're thinking about your arms and whatnot. And so I was bummed out when he got that shredded, a tad bit. Then I read this article about him, and you know what he said, which was mind blowing to me? What? He was like, I got cast in this movie, and by the way I'm paraphrasing,

I got cast in this movie, The Immortals, or whatever, as a superhero, and I didn't want to be the typical brown, shlubby guy. Like for Southeast Indians, for South Indians, whatever Southeast Indians, he goes, I didn't want to play this typical, shlubby Indian nerdy character. And I went, oh, that makes total sense.

Because for him to do this, he's doing representation for like other kids like himself that are in the comic books and only see the Indian guy is like, um, data says that we will be there in three minutes, you know? He wanted to be like a fucking badass superhero. And show them that hey, you can also be a fucking yoked out superhero, Mbien Indian guy.

We're not just one character. Or Pakistani. Or Pakistani. Yeah, either one. Pakistani, sorry, sorry, G Indian guy. We're not just one character or Pakistani or Pakistani. Yeah, yeah either one I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Gumeil. Yeah, Pakistani, but like and I went and for the first time today I went oh this makes total fucking sense. Yeah, he almost had to do this like he had to do this to Represent a whole group of people a whole group of people and go for all these little kids that are in the comic books the way He was he now they now get to see themselves as the superhero

as opposed to the data collector or the computer analyst. You know? You're like the cool rib guy is like, hey man, hand me that fucking wrench. Yeah. Or the taxi driver. Right, right. You know, like, or I guess Uber even.

Sure. But like, so I thought that was kind of cool. Yeah, that's cool. Shout out to Camille. Yeah, he got super yoked. Yeah. All right. Do you think you'll do Camille. Yeah, he got super yoked. Yeah. All right. Do you think you'll do that?

I'm doing it right now pretty much. I'm running so much and I'm not losing any way but my body size is changing. So like I did measurements of my body. Every time before we do so, I brought to it where I do measurements around my belly, like by my belly button. How much does yours change?

Ooh, are you sure if you're, do we take it? Sure. Hey, you're on a podcast. You're on a podcast. Yeah, we're doing two pairs of one cave, what's up? I was just contra, I got it. Okay, well, you're talking to me in time, is there anything you wanna share?

Um, I have been masturbating shockingly a low amount of times. By the way, I have as well, I haven't jacked off at all this whole trip this whole time and I have only had sex like twice wait are you having sex though are you is already having sex are you having sex yeah yeah which is how many times you know two three times a day nothing major major. Um, um, my fear here is, it's not that much. Um, maybe the virus is this unforeseen, like, uh, side effects. It's affecting our masturbation levels in this country.

I'm not masturbating. I'm not masturbating. I'm not masturbating. I'm not even interested in masturbating. Yeah. Prove in that. Oh my god. You know that they say this makes, uh, men infertile if you get the virus. No, well, that's, that's solid pro actually all about. You know that they say this makes men infertile if you get the virus Yeah, I'm imagine if it just fucking nipped our entire fucking population in half because all these kids that went to spring break We don't get those mouth readers anymore

No more fucking barbed wire tattoos around the arms. You just get rid of a whole generation of morons By the way all those people the ones writing in to Tom saying his retargeto went to farm. And we're like, that's a legit, legit, but like, no, it's not these the people. Hey, did you see my Twitter today? Yeah, I just got my Twitter, I was going to make me think you. Oh, okay, nice. Did you like the picture? The bill will be out. I you like the picture?

No, no, it's me. I did the entire thing. I photoshopped the whole thing. I was like man And somebody somebody out there with Photoshop skills is just gonna morph it back to the real photo It is I'll let me show you the real photo. Yeah, hang on hang on stay on the phone. I'm gonna show Tom the real photo, okay? Hey hold on Tom, are you ready? I'm ready. Are you ready? Yeah, okay? Hold on you ready? I'm gonna put it in here you go Are you so bad So bad the real photos so bad Ari if people saw it they'd be like fuck Let me see it again. No, no, no, I'm not giving my phones you can hold up to the camera. Just let me see it here hold on Let me see it They would blow they can't show it on camera. Just me to see

It's like a slinky it's real long. It's long. Well, that's chubbed up by the way. That is chubbed up. That's as chubbed as it gets. That's almost hard. You've snaked it. Oh, uh, dick. Oh, I had to, I had to, there's a lot of head to Photoshop. Isn't there a lot of colors in that dick? Are you like, it's like four tones. Well, you can see what you're years of growing. I think this should be the wood challenge where people take the same picture and post themselves nude someone is gonna fucking you it looks

good doesn't it I'm not texting it to you because it'll just go you'll just post it I'm not texting it to you because it'll just go you'll just post it All right, when do you when when do you go down to Baltimore? Oh you're with your parents? No, I still got another week to go before I can see them. Oh really? Just to be sure where you at right now in Baltimore No, but like where are you at right now in Baltimore? In the suburbs. No, but like where are you staying? Oh, at an Airbnb with a backyard for bandit.

Okay. And we're just like, we got hella groceries as soon as we got here. And then that's it. Just locked the door. You know, it's weird, but yeah. Oh. Yeah. I know something.

We only know something massive anymore. Hey, send me that picture. Let me see if we can use it. Okay, I'll send this to you right now. Send me it right now, okay? Okay. Yeah Okay, I'll send it to you right now sending it right now, okay? All right, I'll talk to you later I'll find a guy. Bye In that horrible what my real dick We can't we what's crazy is when you go from because like you Photoshopped the dick I did the dick first and then I was in the lead to the body

and I was like, I should do the body. But then I had the real dick and there's a, if you press the picture, it'll go back to the original. So like I had the big dick and then I pressed the picture, it'll go back to the original and I just was like, fuck. Well, yeah, but I mean, you made it ridiculous. I know, but like, I know, but you start regular. Like you start going

big. Why don't you put one out that has the huge the weird crazy steroid body that you have there with the regular deck? I did. What about an even smaller day? I did that also and it, well, the it wasn't as funny with a small, small deck. Really? It just wasn't funny. And it and it for some reason I couldn't it making it smaller Change the ratio so much that you could tell that it was Photoshopped. Okay I Know I for some reason it pulled the couch up Oh, right. So you can see the couch was moved up

It's easy to make things bigger than it is to make things smaller for some reason Photoshop and Photoshop like because I think because the second you pull from one side you pull the fies in all right Like for some reason when you go out you can get in real close and just stretch it out This is like this is important stuff that we're doing. Yeah. All right. We should wrap this up So when you get in your test today. No. Oh, yeah today this afternoon, but you won't get the results back You get it in 15 minutes. No, it's it's a self test. Wait, wait, wait. It's to see if you have the antibodies. Oh, so it's not to see if you've had COVID.

It sees it, in other words, the results are telling you whether or not you've had it. It's not like you have, it's like, does your body have the antibodies, which tell if you have the antibodies, it's a positive test. It means you've already had the virus. Oh, hey, yeah, get me one. I think I've had it. All right, yes, give me like three grand. I'll get you, I'll get you one. It's across the rules. It's really expensive. No, it's a positive test. It means you've already had the virus. Oh, hey, yeah, get me one. I think I've had it. All right, yeah, it's gonna be like three grand. I'll get you one. It's really expensive.

No, it's not that expensive. I would definitely think I've had it. I think we all had it on the tour bus at the same time. I had to go through four infectious disease doctors to get it. Are you serious? Why is push has push been freaking out about this? No, surprisingly.

She's always very anxious, yeah. I'm, I've been very anxious. I was telling you, I feel great in the mornings. I feel great right now. I'll get home right now. I'm gonna work out. I'll feel awesome working out. I'm gonna do a video meeting at like two.

And then another, if Congress called three, another call at three 30. And then I'm done. Four o'clock. I'll feel great. I'll be like, I'm almost a little hungry. Man, five o'clock. I start going, I think I'm done. Four o'clock, I'll feel great. I'll be like, I'm almost a little hungry. Man, five o'clock, I start going, I think I'm getting the COVID.

Seven o'clock, I'm gonna spiral. You are? Every fucking night at seven o'clock. How are you eating a lot to the face? Yeah. I'm eating like crazy. Well yeah, because Joe said something that I, you know, it's like someone says one thing

and you hang your hat on it. Joe was like, I'm not doing the fucking carnivore right now. I'm just eating to be healthy. Yeah. And I went, oh yeah, yeah. So like, Leanne made this risotto the other night for the girls and I was like, I'm gonna have some risotto. I don't give a fuck.

And like, and then, yeah, put my other problems I mean, chocolate like crazy because I'm, because I'm not drinking. So my body's craving sugars. My body's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are we doing? Has there been a, is there like something going on? I'm like, yeah, it's COVID. Yeah.

So, but man. Are you gonna drink at all? I don't, but I don't want to. Like, I don't, I don't have a need to. Like, it would, we never have a need to. But I'm saying, and so like, same with marijuana. Like, I wouldn't have a problem. I could be of Edibles at the house.

I wouldn't have a problem eating marijuana, but of edible's house. I wouldn't have a problem eating marijuana, but I'm just hanging out with my kids. So there's no draw to. Like I go, what am I, it's gonna be high and be the only one high in my house or am I the only one drunk in my house? Sure. Yeah, but I just would rather just have coolade

is what I've been drinking a lot of. Coolade. I have a drinking problem. Like I need a drink as a treat. I can't just have water. Do you mean you say you're saying you need a beverage of something? I need a diet root beer.

I need, I mean I went through two two liter root beers in a day. Oh my God. I just can't help it. It's like, I feel like, I feel, it's like, it's like my brain's so much sugar. Oh, they were diet, they were diet, they were diet. Okay. So it's just cancer. But, I mean, I drink, I love drinking, I love making a drink, I love coffee, dude, I put layered Hamilton's,

Tumorick creamer, a little creamer in it. And then I have a drink and I can't stop drinking, like, I love drinking. So like, for me, like, coolates, I have coolates and I can't stop drinking like I love drinking so like for me like coolates I have cool aid. I'll get like a 30 to 20 cool aid. I'll use a 16 ounce filler upper but make 32 ounces of it Yeah, and I'll just sit and drink cool aid all day. I love I Love I love a drink. Yeah, and so this is a great stuff for a super cut by the way. Yeah, I I swore to God I feel a pleasure when it goes in my mouth. Like, when I drink root beer, die root beer, I can drink it once that I drink it.

But don't you feel like that with beer and T-dos? I don't feel it with beer at all. I don't feel it with, I don't feel the same as I do with root beers, I do with beer, even remotely. By the way, I'm having a hardcore day job here right now. I don't have any joy, I don't look at beer at all as like, I would like a beer. But I't look at beer at all as like, I would like a beer, but I look at root beer.

It's like, how do I stay away from that? Yeah. Kool-Aids the same way. My thing with like six o'clock at night, I wanna have, I wanna open a bottle of wine because I want that third sip, that deflation of your brain just going, tssssss I want that but then I'm and then sit out by the grill Like every time I walk out to the grill I go it's my brain goes I go where's my wine?

Well fuck I'm not don't get me wine tonight. Yeah, but yeah, but like I don't really care cuz I come like 7.30 a.m At o'clock I usually get on the treadmill one more time work out until I know more I'm running like seven eight miles a day Not losing any weight cuz I'm fucking I'm running like seven, eight miles a day. Not losing any weight, because I'm fucking, I, just, yeah, you drink cool eight all day. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. And then come in and watch some thriller with Ila.

Yeah. And but that's the fun part is like, if I can get through my workout and get back into the house, chillin' with the girls then, like, from like nine till midnight, watching whatever the fuck we watch. I don't need anything. I don't wanna be sober, I wanna laugh, you know?

Yeah. But yeah, I don't think I'll drink, I don't think I'll drink while we're on quarantine, I don't really, I just, it's, for me, a lot of my drinking is about FOMO. It's like missing out of the time. Like when I went over to Joe's, I wasn't drinking at all,

and then he was like,'m gonna drink immediately my brain goes Well, I'm not gonna not have a drink with Joe. I'm not gonna knock it high with Joe Of course, this is what I love this shit. Yeah, and thank God, man It was one of the funnest podcasts I've done with Joe. I maybe ever it was just so fucking old school fun And that I go I want to have those moments, but yeah, I don't really I don't know. All right I want to have those moments, but yeah, I don't really, I don't know. All right. I want to eat an edible. Are the eating animals every day?

What time? Usually around 839. Really? Yeah. Pushes doesn't eat them, does she? No. So what, so we, how many milligrams do we eat? 10.

That's a lot. It is? It seems like it. No, 10's mild. And what is it, because I'm up. I like Indica's, because it's like the sleepy time Weed you know, so it's um it just gets me ready to go to sleep. So I love it really. Yeah, I could feel it like Otherwise, I do have trouble going to sleep. So it's like for me. It's per now. I had wonder in the day and she was like

She no actually I didn't I had it at night and she was like, are you high right now? We were talking and I was like, yeah, a little bit and she was like, this is like, what is, what do you, what do you want? And I told her and she was like, I like this version of you. Really? She was like, you're loose, you're playful, you're a lot of fun.

And she goes, why don't you do this more often? I was like, okay. So she was, I want to, I I wanna, she calls me 10 milligram Tom when I'm on it. 10 milligram Tom. And she was like, I like 10 milligram Tom on it. That's a fucking t-shirt. Yeah.

Find the picture of Tom with his eyes a little bit like this and just 10 milligram Tom. 10 milligram Tom, she goes, he's way more fun. He's patient. He's, I'm a fun, I would like to be around. I want to take Edibles and like dial out the night because I'm if I could take anything with these annex. I love San ex. Oh please that is my fucking mistress but I get I I get I like her a little too much. I love San ex more than anything. Yeah it

makes your brain feel like the way God meant it to feel. And I'll say this, if you haven't tried it, you should. All right, if you're out there. Xanx is, Xanx is, I gave it to my dad one time. We were driving from Miami to Tampa. And this is as a adult, right? And I gave my dad as Xanx, he was driving me nuts

and he goes, all of a sudden it kicks in and I hear him in the back seat go. Oh, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Is this what you're supposed to feel like? Is this what regular people feel like? This is a my dad eats Xanax. Probably have eats Xanax and marijuana.

He does a Joey Diaz coffee. Yeah. Every night. Joey the way he describes me, I was like,, this is gonna be in the coroner's report. Like he's like, what you do, take like a thousand milligrams. I was like, fuck of THC. And then, you know, pop a little baby Xanix

and your mouth takes the edge off. I wonder how many kilograms his baby Xanix is. I was like, dude, he goes, that's what you do. This way all the panic, you don't feel it as much. Kind of dials it back. Have you ever met someone who's built a tolerance to Xanax? Yeah. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

you take two milligrams and you're like, yeah. And you can function. I'm like, well, I mean, I don't feel the virus. I gave him one milligram pill to Chad Daniels on a flight. When we were coming back from Hong Kong, I was like, take this. And he was like, is that strong? I was like, no. And he broke it.

I was like, no, take the whole thing. He's like, I don't think so. I don't know. I was like, take the whole thing. And he wouldn't. He took half. And we landed in, I think Seattle. And he got up from, he got up,

we were in those little pods. Yeah. He got up and he was like, what the fuck? And we, he like dragged off the, he goes, I don't, I don't feel like I'm awake. I were in the lounge waiting for the connecting flight. He was like falling asleep in that chair. He's like, how do you do this?

Was he drinking also? No. No. Dude, I, my sister made me stop taking them because she was picking me up She was picking me up from the airport and I was so fucked up drinking and on Xanax That's a dead that I wasn't speaking and making sense. She goes I refused to pick him up in the airport Because I would I would not make sense for the whole car ride and they get home pass out wake up

We like I feel great Dude I miss I miss partying with Xanax. That was the funnest buzz Brett Farve does too. He was into that What's he into Xanax? Yeah, dude Xanax is so fucking great He matches having like Xanax and hang out with Brett Farve. I'd be great on his farm and Mississippi and Hattiesburg He's like, ah fuck it go deep He's just started running and he throws it like ten yards. He's like, I was laying down. Maybe I'll eat this maybe I'll eat some and then he throws it like 10 yards. He's like, I was laying down. And maybe I'll eat some,

maybe I'll have like what I'll do is I'll do like five milligrams of weed and like a quarter milligrams of sand-ex and see how tonight goes. No, yeah, good plan. That's not bad, right? No, no, no, check in. We'll check in with you next week. Thanks for listening, guys.

Oh, go to merch method.com slash Tom Segura. There's the thick boy nation, the hoodie, the first two bears shirt. I got a Carol did it shirt from Tiger King, washer hands, and I got some ball hog merch there. And then go to burperperpert.com. And um, yeah, check out both our special streaming right now on Netflix. Ball hog and hey big boy. All right. Thanks guys. All right. Love you guys. Love you to bear's one cave. No scripts to be the booze amateur for topology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call to bear's one cave.