2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 26 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Bert Kreischer decides he's going to try to listen. Does he succeed? Tom Segura tells him about getting blacked out, playing football, and getting into stand-up. Bert shares stories about browning in his pants. Tom then calls Dr. Drew and asks about Bert's health. Tom and Bert wrap up by sharing what they learned about each other this episode. When was the last time YOU browned in your pants? Let us know in the comment section below!

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and no, here's the thing, it's disrespectful. Do you think of these in the shower? No, just like the moment before I say them. In response to what you've said. Dude, there was a time in life where you ever learn one thing about a culture and then that's your go-to for everything. Of course. I learned about what a Sikh Indian was. And it was the only thing I knew that was Indian. And so everyone I ever met, are like, are you Sikh?

And they're like, you just learned about Sikhs. And you're like, aw, aw, aw, you got that right. Do you know when you learned? New York. So you were. 25, 26. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Dude, I had a joke in my act which was 100% true.

I didn't know that Japanese people couldn't understand Chinese people. Like, remember that I used to have joke in my act which was 100% true. I didn't know that Japanese people couldn't understand Chinese people. Like, remember that I used to have that in my act. Yeah, I remember that. And it's not even a joke. It's all stemmed from Dr. Ken. Dr. Ken and I were in. I thought the joke was Japanese in Korean.

No, no, Japanese. No, it gets to Japanese in Korean. Oh, but it starts. Because Dr. Ken, I switched it to Steve Byrne because I didn't want to say Dr. Ken because it felt like I was being like name-dropping because he was famous when I was doing the joke. But the truth is, Dr. Ken and I, were at the Ontario improv,

and we were in the back-back hallway, and there was a Japanese couple trying to get through, and I tapped Dr. Ken and I go, I think your parents are trying to get through. And I tap Dr. Ken and I go, I think your parents are trying to come back stage. And he looked out and he goes, those aren't my parents. It's just a Japanese older couple. And I go, are you sure? And he goes, I'm certain. I go, well, what are they saying? He goes, I don't fucking know. And I said, oh, you never learned,

you're lying, he's around the house. And he was like, no, no, they're Japanese. And I went, you're not? And he goes, no, I'm Korean. And I went, oh, he was like, you couldn't tell those Japanese. And then I said to him, no, because they didn't have rising sunband anise on. And he said, I still won't kind of what are they saying?

And he goes, you being serious right now? I go, yeah, no, you can't understand a little bit. And he was like, I can't understand any Japanese. And I was like, they're not the same language. And he was like, no, that's why they're called Korean and Japanese. And I was like, I just did understand any Japanese. And I was like, they're not the same language. And he was like, no, that's why this is called Korean and Japanese. And I went, I was like, I just did no, because I didn't know.

You didn't know anyone Asian and growing up in Florida. What are you talking about? Like, you didn't, like growing up in Florida. You didn't know a lot of Asian people. I had Asian friends in school. Oh, what was his name? Steve No. Okay, that was quick.

Yeah. I didn't have one. Yeah. I didn't know any. Yeah. I didn't know any Asian kids. I knew Sam Ho, Sam Ho and Rhonda Ho. There you go. Yeah, they were, they were, they went to grade school with me and he threw up in his lunch box. Hmm. So I'll always remember Sam Ho throwing up his lunch box in second grade and being like, I literally stood up and I was like, I'm fucking out of here. It's like a great walk to outside. I knew the lambs too, and I knew the lambs. Yeah, and then, yeah, but then we're also Kim's.

So, wait, how many Asian friends did you have? Did you have multicultural friends growing up? Let's make this episode about Tom. I'm here to listen. Ha ha ha ha ha. I mean, yeah, I moved a lot, remember? So, okay, let's do pop quiz Tom, okay? Okay, okay, okay.

I'm gonna say a thing and you say their names, okay? Black friend in high school. Our Darryl. Wow, that's a Rocky NJ. You had three black friends? Yeah, we played football together. Oh, not, not like, I'm, did you ever spend the night at their house?

Yeah, really? We all did, we all hung out. Oh, for real? Yeah. And more white people are you the only one you're like M&M and eight mile? No, there was, there was a mix, you know? It was mixed up. real? Yeah. And more white people, you're the only one you're like M&M and 8 mile. Uh, no, there was, there was a mix, you know, it was mixed up. Really?

Yeah. Latino friends? I mean, yeah, the Casanovas and, um, I'm trying to think of, there weren't that many Latin kids in my school, I mean. But you had Asian kids, black kids, you're like, your school is like Tokyo drift. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. Now there wasn't that many Asians either.

But the white kids sucked in the Florida school. I didn't really, I only hung out with a few of them. Oh, I'm thinking of a or tag of two, Cuban. So there's, you know, but you have multi-cultural friends growing up. Yeah, in every, I mean, you know, the biggest reason was sports, right? Cause that was my friend group,

especially cause I was moving. So, okay, so let's start all over. You were born in Cincinnati. Yeah. And your dad was ex-military, run in a bakery. What was your dad? He was always a financial planner. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so he leaves Vietnam. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So he leaves Vietnam. Okay. Yeah, he leaves Vietnam, goes down. He fought in Vietnam. Jose Wal goes down to... No, it doesn't go away. How did he meet your mom? My dad's best friend married my mom's sister.

Oh, how fucking cool is that? Yeah, and then they were doing a gang bang in like 75. And so wait, are you still, are they still all, oh, it's their mom's sister? Yeah. Of course there's still friends. Yeah, they're still close. Really? My mom and her sister speak, I'm proud pretty much every day.

And do you know that, is that your cousin cousin? Yeah, that's your cousin. That's the one. Shut the fuck up! So Brian that made Mcmillian's on a CEO, he and I were born two weeks apart, next door to each other in, you know, same year, and it's his mom and my mom.

Holy shit! Yeah. Man, I am the worst friend. I don't listen to anybody. Oh, I know. I am so bad. Oh, it's amazing. It's astounding.

You asked me how many sisters I had two weeks ago. Two. Yeah. I remembered. Yeah. Touch on Elizabeth. The uh, cha cha. I'm Elizabeth. So wait, that's crazy. So you're, so then you're dad, you how long you live in Cincinnati for nine years. So then, and then you moved Florida? No, they're moving Minneapolis. Whoa. Yeah, I never knew you lived in Minneapolis I've mentioned it a number of times. You've never said it once a hundred times Never once did you say I was a huge Viking spam when I was 10 I used to go to Vikings game. No, you didn't I went to Chris Dolman's football camp. I went to rich Ganon's football camp. You went to rich Ganon's football camp

Yeah rich Ganon was a fucking legit. I think his brother played for the box. Chris Dolman, Reston Peece, he just died. Really? A little while ago a few months ago. So what position did you wanna play when you were a kid? Oh, I mean, when I was a little little kid, I wanted to be a wide receiver, like Jerry Rice, Steve Largent, those were the guys. But.

And they're like, hey, tank, get over in the fucking over there, all kinds of life. No, then I was obsessed with Lawrence Taylor. And then, and then like, Oh, you have that mentality totally. Yeah, I wanted to be a hundred percent. You did, I can tell this. And he was like, this psycho.

And they had the NFL films tapes where he was like talking shit. And I was like, those were the best. Oh, man, I was just like, yeah, I was super. Did you talk shit during football? Not really. A couple of times, one time my coach told me to. I was like, what?

And he was like, he's like, getting his fucking ear. Talk shit. I was like, all right, I was like, I'm out of breath. It's kind of hard. Cool enough about you. Anyway, my one time, no. We're going back to Tom. But you know I can not tell a story about myself.

Of course. Seventh grade. Seventh grade. Yes. Seventh grade. I play football. My parents don't want me to play football. I play football for the first time.

First game. By the way, I was hospitalized in fifth grade, and my dad had me go to practice the next week. Wait, what did you get hospitalized in fifth grade? Did you play like, not Tater Tot, but what did they call it? Peewee? Peewee football? Yeah.

Full pads. I had a back injury in, I'm 10 years old and he was like, practice on Monday, out of the hospital. No, fucking way, what was your back injury? The term is, I think Sponial Eye thesis of the third degree of the fifth. No fucking way. What was your back injury? The term is a, I think, sponial eye thesis of the third degree of the fifth Lumbar. It's basically a disc kind of pops out. There's not a fucking chill injury.

I just watched a documentary on Barry Sant, documentary, this football life on Barry Sant, it was a great. And Barry Sant, his dad said, which is an interesting thing. I just had a podcast with this therapist about, and we ended up talking about my dad, but he said, my dad had said this when I was a kid.

I'm not your friend, I'm your dad. Like there's, and I remember seeing parents that were friends, and they were like, yeah, you guys can drink around here. That was not my parents. I'm not your parent, I'm your dad. Like I'm here to raise you to be a man. I'm not here to just be like, buddy boy, like, you know.

And that was your dad, definitely, right? Yeah, I mean, yeah, he wasn't like, he's a bigger hard-ass on paper. Like if you read the resume, you're like, this guy's he's like, Vietnam more, that's all I think about. I was thinking about it taking a shift today when I was like, I'm gonna listen today. Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That'd be it, now I'm stuck. Yeah, you hear the Vietnam stories and like his... Well, we just watch platoon with the girls the other day. Yeah. And they're like, did this really happen? And I was like, 100%. And they're like, hold on, people were really in,

like, they've watched a bunch of war movies now. And so they thought everything was like 1917. That there were big trenches you were with your team. Then they're looking at foxholes going like, that really happened in the middle of the night. They just charged and I was like, oh Vietnam was fucking nightmare. Yeah, yeah, all the stories are pretty horrible, man.

They're like, I do next to you stepping on a mine and like his legs and stomach is blowing open. And also, he told me recently, and I never knew this growing up, he told me that he thinks about those people every day. I think I've mentioned that to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You talked about me that I was like, fuck, really? He was like, yeah, every day. I was like, oh, Jesus. Like, I never realized the trauma of it. Okay. So think about this. I said this to the other day. What is the, what is the, if you had to be in the one most swing generation ever, the generation that's seen the most,

meaning like, like, like I looked at George and Island, I thought, they will have very little change in their lives. Like they were born with cell phones, cell phones will always be there. Yeah. Like there will never know. Like I was lucky enough,

because when I started with me saying I was lucky enough that I got like 13 years of just walk out the front door and disappear for the entire day. But we can't, like that's the thing is every time, whatever the most modern time you live in, like when you're living, you can't imagine the progression 10 years ahead of you. Like, you know what I mean? You think that, well, it's just so modern now, but the truth is 10 and 20 years from now,

this will be, this will seem like a super. No, but like, okay, but go back, like, if you, like no one would want to be born in the 1800s because there was no progress. You were born a farmer, you died a farmer, you only knew, like you were born one way, and you only knew one thing. All the way up to like the, I guess, you wouldn't even want to be born in like 1870,

because you never saw change. Well, if you were born in like 19, if you're born 1870, you would see change. No, no, you were only living like B 35 for one. No, you could, you know, some people were born then that would live longer. You were, you were going into the industrial age changing, you know? A little bit. Yeah, but like, like, I was saying, I remember, I, Leon's grandfather, I got to talk to him before he died, about a bunch of times. But I said to him, what was it like?

Like what was it? I said, what was the one thing you remember the most that your childhood? And his answer was hot watermelons. Hot watermelons. He's like, man, there was nothing better than a hot watermelon. That sounds horrible.

I know. That's what I said. I thought you'd break it over your knees. Let me guess for you, you wish you were born, Berlin 1925, just in time to ride that wave. No, but I wouldn't mind it being. Oh, wouldn't mind getting a taste of the real old-school white privilege, like the uncut white privilege.

I wouldn't mind getting a taste of the 1950s, like cocktail and hand, go to a meeting. Oh, right. Like that old school white privilege. And you would have no skill for the job they gave. None. And feel completely entitled to it and call your secretary toots.

And smack around the ass. Oh. Now you would have been the, you would have been the documentary was made about, they were like, look at this piece of shit. From the, I wouldn't mind just one snort of the old uncut white privilege. Yeah.

Just fucking drinking and driving. Yeah. Fucking cop pulls you, you're like, Sam, what's up, bud? It's like, oh, it's you again, Chrysler. God damn it, you got a cigarette, I go, huh? Lucky, here you go. I wouldn't mind a little taste of that. Yeah, no, you've said it a few times now.

Yeah, I would mind a little sniff of that. Yeah, no, you've said it a few times now. Yeah, I would mind a little sniff of that. Be cool. They should do one day of just remembrance of like, they're like, hey, you can live in any time period you want today. You can probably propose this to, I don't know, write your congressman or something. They should do this during the quarantine. One day, all that you just get, the one day, wait, for like one week week we pick a different day

those madman era guys oh my god like there is they had no fucking rules they just they just would drink at lunch I would love I can't do I actually really can't do that what do you mean meaning I can but I just get a fucking wasted for the day yeah like I'm not I'm not usable again I can't just I just get a fucking wasted for the day. Like I'm not usable again. I can't just go and have a martini lunch. I was really honestly taken aback by how well you held it together. That time we went to San Francisco for the game. Yeah.

And you were drinking all morning, and I was like, I'm gonna go take a nap, and you're like, all right, I'll see you down. I mean, you had, I don't know, a dozen drinks, and you were like, this is the thing is, you were not fucked up. You didn't seem like it. No.

And then we went to the game, and then we had dinner, and then we got back, and I was like, I don't know, I'm definitely gonna crash. And you're like, well, now the night's starting. I'm like, you went out and had us a car. Yeah, but you were funny. Yeah, I guess maybe I could do that. No, I think I could.

I think you could. I think I shot myself short. Yeah, I miss out on football. Wait, back to seventh grade. I think I shot myself short. Yeah, I I miss Wait back to seventh grade football. You said you're playing football on seventh grade. Oh, I was playing seventh grade football And my dad did not want me playing like he really was against it and he thought you were gonna get hurt Thought I was gonna get hurt and that injury paralyzed immediately really immediately I have fought with him to play and I was middle line backer. I play like two plays. They put me in halfway through the game and I first play I fucking literally grab a guy

before he gets through the line fucking level him, but it was an accident. Like I didn't mean the level him. I kind of was not looking. You accidentally leveled him. But it looks like I leveled him, but I really ran into him. But he went fucking down and I was out of it like I was like huh they're like go away to fuck him up and I was like uh-huh uh-huh two plays after that interception run it back to the one-yard line and all of a sudden I'm the best football player on the team like I'm right here and they're like you're

starting every game you're in like and I sucked so bad and then I got my I got an echo injury you you did I got an echo injury during here and they're like you're starting every game. You're in like an eye sucked so bad And then I got my I got an eck injury you did I got an eck injury during practice and they had to Take my head to the goal post. Yeah, so like let it sit still because it hurt anywhere I moved it and then you were done and then I was fucking and then and then I played eighth grade and I did not play as good I started but I didn't play as good as I did in seventh at that one game. Dude, in eighth grade, I was involved in a play where three of us broke a guy's leg.

Are you serious? We just all, it was just perfect. We all three of us hit the quarterback at like the same time. Oh my God. Like this from different angles. Boom boom. And it was like three pretty big kids, you know? Like pretty strong kids.

Yeah. We just heard this fucking horrific sound and scream. And then you just saw the like was clearly broken. Oh my God. Were you this size when you were in seventh grade? Not, no. But I mean, I was... You seem like a guy who would have grown up early.

I did. I was like shaving pretty early. But I was the joy that the three of us felt for hurting that kid so badly. It was something that I still carry with me, you know? Did you ever hear Patrisa Neils? Didn't you play college football? I don't think you went to college per se I thought it did. I thought I I thought I read that once Can you look it up look it up? I don't think you went to I don't think he think you went to prison

Well one of us is gonna feel stupid in a moment. You definitely went to prison. I know that really yeah for what? I don't know. All right. Yeah. Call us about Paul Gage. Call us about Paul Gage. We're gonna wait for Paul Gage. Yeah.

He died at 41. Is that all he was? Oh my God, dude. That's like you dying tomorrow. Yeah. I turned 41 tomorrow. No, you don't. Yeah. No, you don't. Tomorrow's my birthday. I turned 41. No, you dying tomorrow. Yeah. I turned 41 tomorrow. No, you don't. Yeah. No, you don't. Tomorrow's my birthday. I turned 41. No, you're lying. I swear to God tomorrow's your

birthday. Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. I turned 41 tomorrow. What are you doing for your birthday? Oh, partying. Oh, Neil never knew his father. He attended a walk. He ended up playing his career with three varsity letters and winning a state championship. You're after graduating. He turned down a scholarship for prison in Northeastern in Boston, which included a grant. The theater, his comedy grown, but I don't know. Okay. Where's the prison stuff? Wait, wait, I don't know. I'm sure it's not in his Wikipedia. Why would not be there? They always put that there. I don't know. Keep Googling it. He went to prison for sexual assault. That's not right.

That's not right. Yeah, I know. It's not something I think that he wanted ever brought up really. And I think it was not what he was scared of. Well, he talked about it on OP and Anthony. He did? It's not a secret.

Yeah, it's definitely not a secret. He talked about it on OP and Anthony. It was something that he was always afraid that if he got successful, it was something they'd dig up on him. And, but yeah, I mean, I won't, I won't even talk about it because I don't think, I know he had his version of it. And I'm sure she had her version of it. So, but he ultimately went to jail and it fucked his friend up that was, that went to jail with him and

fucked him up for the rest of his life because he stopped showering. And they pulled him aside. I forget what they called him. They called him big baby or something in prison. They everyone had a name of the state. I've listened to it a couple times. I listened to it live. I was driving on the street. Listen to what life? Patrice tell the story live on an opian Anthony. And but yeah. And so are you looking for the. Yeah. I'm not saying any of the prison stuff. What if you just type in Patrice? I guess rape.

But no, I think that's what he wants to jail for. Jesus man. That's story rape. Yeah. All right. So 60 days in prison for having sex with an underage girl. Oh, she was 15. He was 16,

because Massachusetts lacks a close and age exception. That is fucking... Well, I think it was, I think it was, it was a little more complicated. I mean, I'll tell you the, I'm, for me to pair at the story isn't even fair, I think to everyone involved, but it sounded like, it sounded like a bad situation of,

his advice was, if you do your dirt, keep it to yourself, don't spread it. Cause I guess they did it and they talked about it and her brother frowned out and her brother. And so it got, I'm just saying though, when it's 16, that's not why those laws are written. I think no, but I think it was more guys than girls,

meaning it was one girl and like three guys. And so it, I think it put her in a bad situation and she claimed something. Look, I'm not even the right person to be talking about any of this, but. Yeah, it, I think it put her in a bad situation and she claimed something. Look, I'm not even the right person to be talking about any of this, but. Yeah, it's stuff I've heard and it's out there. So it's really kind of, yeah, that really turned it to a, he did not play college football.

But I wasn't that far, he was offered a scholarship. I mean, but why would he turn it down? I don't know. I don't know. But I mean, it was. No, these turns are pretty good school in Boston. It's, I know I'm just saying that like it wasn't know. But I mean, it was. No, these trends are pretty good at school in Boston. I know, I'm just saying that like it wasn't a crazy assumption I made, right? No, he was a state champion in high school and he got an offer to a full ride.

He used to tell the story. I used to love the story about Travis. He was a big dude. Yeah. He was a big fucking dude. Yeah. I used to love the story. He'd tell that he never told on stage that he just tell.

Mm-hmm. That you go, like he used to tell the story about this guy Tony is neighborhood who's cool shit And he's like man, I watch Tony and Tony we just go up and just Tap a tap a bitch on the back of the neck go damn got you they'd be like oh Tony And he's like I'll be like on the side going all right. You got to hit a bitch So I just go up. I didn't I didn't look at the way Tony had his hand. And I got my clothes fixed and I'm just like, pow bitch. And they were the, he would tell over the funniest stories.

You could tell he was kind of trying to work out to maybe take on stage. Now that I mean, now that I know at the time, he was 41 when he passed, I guess he was probably 30 years old when he was telling me this. He's still a very young comic. It is crazy how there's some people who you always imagine them a different like for some, you know, I always Picture how old was headberg when he died. I always picture the Patrice like 20 years older than me, you know

Oh, I felt like he was so older than I was talking to someone yesterday and they're like do you remember when Patrice said to someone? Oh, I was talking to Ari and he goes do you remember when Patrice said to someone oh, I was talking to Ari He goes do you remember when fucking headberg was 37 and Dr. Aldo was forty I started working for travel channel when I was thirty seven D'Auro was forty four that makes sense Bill Hicks was thirty two Bill Hicks was thirty two that is so fucking young to be losing. How much work did Headbrick put out? Can you go to his like, go to his Wikipedia? Scroll down, click his Wikipedia there. And go to his, discography, yeah, yeah. So...

Lo-Sinchiladas was a movie. Yeah, that's wild. It's only what, four albums? Is that what you put out. Yeah I mean, it's quite a legacy for four albums, right? Oh, I played it for the girls and I love that George did not that makes sense Yeah, it's totally is Lane. That might be her favorite comic ever if she deals in deep. You know, I mean dives into it The girls right now are obsessed with Delia. Yeah They're like there's no way you know him. I was like, I was on fucking Netflix two weeks ago, girls. What the fuck?

You don't think I know him? And like, there's people you don't know. You don't know John Mulaney. I go, no, I do. I don't know him, no, but if I saw him, I'd say hi. And they go, yeah, you don't know him, dad. I go, but fuck, I don't. I know John Mulaney.

Like if John Mulaney was walking down our street and I saw him, he would say hi, Bert. And they go, what do you say hi, Bert? Everybody go, oh if John Mulaney was walking down our street and I saw him, he would say hi Bert and they go, would he say hi Bert? Or would he go, oh hi and keep walking? And I go, damn. I had it like that on you. Do they are fucking brutal to me right now? Brutal.

Like legit brutal. Everyone. You should ask the Leop to just record message and send it to you. You know what I mean? Hey Bert, just checking in. I'm a big fan, and just be like, see, he does know me. You know, I told you this a long time ago,

DeLia, when he was on a vine, he would do this thing where he goes, so cute, or whatever. Yeah. And George and her friends were doing it. They were like, fucking sixth grade, and they were quoting DeLia. Yeah, he created like his own lexicon.

I mean, it's bizarre when you think about it, like, but and George was doing it the other day. His specials out. She was watching videos of him laughing hysterically on her phone. Why don't you have asked Chris to do a message to them, like, hey girls, your dad asked me to say I'm friends with him and help you do them well in your quarantine. I haven't done one of those. I'll take care of it, don't worry. Oh, yeah, they're brutal.

They're crawling me fetus right now. Fetus? Yeah. Why? Why? It's a derivation of a nickname. So like... Burtus?

No. I love for whatever reason. It's never called me dad. the derivation of a nickname. So like... Bertis? No. I love for whatever reason. It's never called me dad. She's just always had a nickname for me. She'll call me dad if I need a big boy. We might have to take a break here. Or I got a shit pretty badly.

Are you serious? Yeah. We'll just go and I'll listen to you. From here. Wait, hold on. We're talking about me right now. This whole episode's dedicated to you and learning about you.

Yeah, yeah, but see you took it over again. How did I do that? You just do it. You really have to go shit? I do, I think we should take a break. Okay, I'll sing. You guys wanna hear Drake's songs, postman Drake lyrics. By the way, Drake's like a legit deal. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, guys, Tom's shitting. In this time, I wanna tell you to go to the Netflix, watch, Hey, big boy, and ball hog streaming right now, along with no pain that is crystal clear special. Now, what we did about nine months ago is the three of us realized we were all doing Netflix specials. And we decided that we would write one joke between the three of us.

I would tell the setup because I knew mine was coming out first. Tom was going to do the meat of the joke, which. Tom was gonna do the meat of the joke, which is the ultimate story, the arc of the joke, and then Delia and his special was gonna do the punchline. It was touching go, they had to push Delia's back a couple of weeks, I initially thought it was gonna be me, Tom, then Delia, week, week, week, and so we were like, we thought it was gonna be perfect.

It pushed back a little bit, so if you get the opportunity, week, week. And so we were like, we thought it was gonna be perfect. It pushed back a little bit. So if you get the opportunity, there you go. And if you get the opportunity, go back and watch all three specials and see if you can find the setup, the meat of the joke, and the punch line. It's really fun. We've planned it. It's not perfect, obviously.

And if you get an opportunity and you can edit them together. So even if they suck, even if you get it wrong, I think we'd enjoy it. It's not perfect, obviously, and if you get an opportunity and you can edit them together. So, even if they suck, even if you get it wrong, I think we'd enjoy it. But what you think my setup is, Tom's meat and then Deleus punchline. It's fucking hilarious. We thought of it in the backstage of the comedy store, and we couldn't stop laughing about it. And we were fighting over who would tell the joke, and then Tom was the one that was like, why don't we just each tell a part of it, put it in our special, and then that'll be like an Easter egg, like a fun thing for fans. So see if you can find it. All I can tell you is the trifecta's complete.

You get that? By the way, my mom called today, and my mom was this close, and there was a dude online on my Instagram who was like, said, is it this, and I went, you're getting warm. It's not it, but you're getting warm. So Tom's shitting will be right back. All right, back to you.

What was that shit aggressive? Really, really? Yeah, I mean, I think I just, I had, that was too rich what I ate and then I've just been double-edged. I had that breakfast wrap. Breakfast, pre-know. And the worst part is I'm so used to shitting

with my washlet, you know, bidet at home. Oh, yeah. That clean up. When you're not at home, you feel like a monster. And it's just like. It's just like spreading shit all over your ass. Yeah, and so I'm just like soaking toilet paper. Can you believe in the Middle East,

they just use their finger, they don't use toilet paper? Well, these fucking knuckleheads next door from that area, and they cause the toilet to break. Really? Holy shit. I wish that we could, I would do, I would watch a whole documentary on shitting. I'd produce it.

I think we know our next project. Like if they just said everyone's shit, that's what I think that's the name of a kid's book. We all shit but we all shit in different ways. And today we're gonna spend one hour talking about shitting and try to get to the base, because I think we've learned a lot about shitting. Like, squatty potty is technically assigning Asian culture to our shitting. Well, yeah, I mean, you realize that everywhere in the world where we look at it, usually

in America and we'll see someone in a full squat and be like, God, you fucking savage, what are you doing? But then you realize, that's how A, your body is designed to shit. Yeah. And B, it's a much cleaner experience. You know, to be in that full squat and your ass just spreads wide open, it just falls out of you.

I don't know if I can't shit, like just saddled, like where your feet are touching the ground, not on a squatty body. You have to have the squatty body, or I even sometimes I'll like, like if I'm in the airport, I would put my bag underneath my feet

because I needed, with my feet up, I feel like my ass cheeks are spread better. Yeah, they are. And then I, Do you ever do a squatty potty with diarrhea? I've never thought about, Oh yeah. And then, I only have diarrhea.

And it just comes out like it's like Dude I when I shit it's almost like It's almost like it's all built and then I just go Like it and it every time every time I don't ever I haven't taken like a nice long like where it crept out You know like yeah like it was like hey at one time I remember I just had a flashback to high school where I went into the stall. I went into the stall and I shut it and I felt like,

you know when you can feel a massive, massive diarrhea. Yes. Like, you can just feel the pool of water sitting there. Like I know as soon as I pull the trigger, this is gonna be just disastrous. Yeah. And I need to go. So I pull the trigger, this is gonna be just disastrous. Yeah. And I need to go. So I'm like about to go and my friend walks in the bath.

Like he's like, I think he sees my shoes or something. He's like, Sagarra, I was like, oh, what's up, man? And so I go, just hold it. Because if I go right now, he's just gonna turn around. Yeah. So I just like, I'm fucking like sweating, almost crying because I'm holding it.

I'm sitting on the toilet with my body. He's like, the fuck are you doing? Let it go. And I was like, no, I got it. So he's like, he's taking his time. He's like, oh man, he's just like talking shit about. And he's got like a newspaper or something with him. And he drops his pants and I'm like, come on.

I want him to get comfortable so that he's like, tied to staying. And I'm like, come on man, I want him to get comfortable so that he's like tied to staying. And I'm like, I'm like, yeah, you see so and so. And he's like, mm-hmm. I'm like, come on man. He drops the pants, he sits down, he's like, and then he's like settling in. I'm like, yeah, so I don't know if you heard about it and I just let it go. I'm like that.

And he goes, what the fuck? And I just see him pull his pants up. And he walks out and I go, do you have shit hanging out? He's like, nah man, I was trying to get comfortable. It's just like, I was trying to get comfortable. Yeah, he was like gonna take us,

I have like a casual shit, you know? Like sit for a few minutes, let it build up. But I just, I don't know, I love ruining someone's experience like that, you know? What was the worst shit your pants story? Do you want me to tell mine while you think? Cause I have all 100 of them. You have 100 shit your pants on.

Dude, I've shit my pants so much. I've shit my pants so much. This is a joke I once tried to, I tried to slide into this last special, but it never worked. I shit my pants so often that if I'm at a green light, if I'm at a red light, it turns green the guy behind me honks. I assume he's got to shit my pants so often that if I'm at a green light if I'm in a red light it turns green the guy behind me honks I assume he's got a shit his pants

Does that make sense if if I'm at a red light and it turns green and I and I and I the second turns green and you hear the guy behind me go Mother fucker. Yeah, I'm assuming he's about to shit his pants because I've done that so much really I've been in I've been like where I'm driving home and shit my pants like, let's go, let's go, fucking come on, green light. I'm trying to think of the last time I shit, I mean I shit my pants, I shit my boxers in the kitchen of our house, like three houses ago

because we were on that green, all green, oh, smoothie stuff. Oh, those don't count. Well, I know, but I was like, waiting and I just like, oh, I got a fart, just water fell out of me. Um, but I'm but I was like waiting and I just like I got a fart just water fell out of me

But I'm trying to think of like the late like the lat I shit my pants the other day on a doing the Instagram story What like I like I and I almost posted it and then I was like I don't think people need to see that What happened I was just talking and I was like hey guys. I don't know. Oh, I just shit my pants I just I'll say that a lot like I just shit my pants Like I just a lot. I've shit my pants. Like I just, a lot. I've shit the bed. I've done everything. You've shit the bed?

I just the bed where I was just laying naked and I just thought it was a fart and then I shit the bed. And I'm like, not shit. Not like a full shit in the bed. But like a squirt where you're like, I gotta have changed the sheets and never tell anyone about this.

Did you? I told, I never told Diana. I just changed the sheets and she'd be like, hold on. Why do we have new sheets on the bed? And you're like, oh, dogs allergies Worst I ever ship my pants. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna say Fifth grade sixth grade tennis camp. Have I told you this story?

Tennis camp six grade. No, I'm playing an Indian kid. I was in love with his sister We should remember you're pretending to be an Indian. No, I'm playing. No, I'm playing. No, I'm playing. We're playing a tennis match. Yes, Indian kid. He was horrible, but his sister was good. Very sexy. I've always been in Indian checks. I don't know why and so you can still be And I can't because I'm married to Liam, but I would like to be what she's part Indian the uh, yeah. Oh, yeah, she is We learned that we're dancing right now and so uh I've got a shit before the tennis match and I'm like I should probably go take a shit right now I got to take a shit and then as I stand up to shit kid walks up and he's like are you ready and I was like yeah so we go to start playing and in our

first in our first set I've got a shit so bad but I'm winning and I'm like fuck but I can't beat him quick enough to ship my pants, I've got a shit so bad, but I'm winning, and I'm like, fuck, but I can't beat him quick enough to shit my pants, to like go take a shit. So I go, all right, fuck it. I literally give up, I'm like, I'm just gonna let him beat me. Like let him beat me so that we can break sets,

where we would switch, and I'm just gonna go take a shit real quick. Yeah. I give up, I give up on like, whatever, and he's like, are you even trying? I was like, I've gotta go to the bathroom, and now I just dart off the thing. I'm like fifth grade, sixth grade.

I go to the men's locker room. And as I drop my pants to go shit in the toilet, it starts coming out. And I shit, half in my pants, half on the seat, none in the toilet. And I sit in it. And there's shit everywhere, Tom. It's in my socks, it's on my it's in my wristband

It's on my tennis glove like it's everywhere. There's shit fucking everywhere Oh on my shirt on the tail of my shirt in my pants in my underwear. So I'm like fuck So I don't know to do I'm covered in shit. Like not just a little shit. I am covered in shit So I I get up I leave I take everything off. I leave it there shoes. I take everything off I go naked into the shower and I rinse off right and then I come back and I assess situation I was like these pants are salvageable the underwear is not salvageable the shirts not even salvage it file salvageable the only thing I can save is my tennis glove and my shoes That's out of all the things I have or can save is my tennis glove and my shoes.

Out of all the things I have, or my shoes and my tennis gloves, the socks are a fucking wash, the pants, everything is fucking covered in shit. So I start jiggling, I'm naked. I start jiggling lockers in the men's locker room and one's open and I find a pair of pants and a shirt in there and I take them. I put a pair of men's pants.

I don't have any clothes, men. They're covered in shit. They're covered in shit. I put a pair of men's pants, I don't have any clothes, men, they're covered in shit. They're covered in shit. I put a pair of men's pants on and a man's shirt. It smells like cologne. I then go back into thing, I do the best clean up job I can, I'm gagging like crazy. I put my shoes on, no socks.

No socks, I go out and finish the tennis match. Tennis glove, man's shirt, man's pants, my shoes, no socks, I'm like a mess. I'm like really holding it together going like, I'm about to cry the whole time. Did he say like, what's up with the video here? He didn't say anything, he just goes, are you ready to play?

And I was like, yeah, let's play. What? He said, are you ready to play? And I said, you get to hurt real bad, he said. It's so, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Really, by the way, I'm not wearing underwear. That is a big deal for me at the time. So, I was a hardcore tidy whiteies guy. I am not wearing underwear. I feel very uncomfortable. I'm a tactile guy. I have tactile issues. I'm not wearing socks.

I always wear socks with shoes. I never not wear socks with shoes. I'm in a man's clothes. I'm waiting for the guy to come out of the fucking locker room and go, did you steal my fucking clothes? I just want to get the fuck out of there. My mom pulls up, I get in the car, finally I'm relaxed. I start crying and she just doesn't even notice.

She goes, how was your day? And I'm like, I'm in a fucking outfit. I didn't show up here. Yeah. You're not gonna go wear your socks or how come here? I think we got to the root of why you're a comedian today. Dude, I have, for that story, I have a hundred. I talked to my dad on this podcast the other day.

I said to him, so my real personality before my dad kind of tried to shake it out of me was second grade, first grade I was on my baseball team, playing second-based, fly ball hit to me, bass is loaded, I catch the fly ball, right? So first play I've ever made in my life. Everyone stands cheers, I spike the ball, rip off my shirt and I start dancing. I'm in first grade and the place is going nuts

I mean it must be really by the way, I'm not doing it for other anything other than give the people what they want That's where my brain is. I swear to God. I Called my dad yesterday and I was talking to this therapist and I was like and they were like, what did your dad say? I go, you know, I really don't remember. I know he was a little embarrassed, but I know, I don't remember. I go, hey, dad, what did you say? What did you think when your son in first grade ripped his shirt off and started dancing, spiked the baseball and started dancing? And he goes, I was fucking shocked. And I was like, he's like, I did not raise you like that. And I remember getting in the car with him,

just looking at me and he's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And I just was like, it's what the people wanted. Like, first fucking grade. So I think there's a list of things like that in my life where I just was a different human being. But wait, why did you become a comedian then? Like, what was your thing?

I was thinking more, I thought I- I thought I was talking about you you the whole fucking ride in today. What about, she's like, Tom's so fucking interesting. She goes, I get you in D'Aliah, but like, Tom makes me laugh, but he doesn't seem like someone who cares if I laugh. Oh.

Oh. I was like, I mean, I get it. You guys probably have more likable personalities. No, I think that we're more like, we're more like, you can see us want you to like us. Oh. You're not, you're like, like, why do you think you became a comedian?

Do you have any like trauma as a kid where you're like, and then I, that's how I decided to fix it. No, I think a lot of it is that I think that they were kind of checked out on a lot of things. My folks, like, pick up on things. So I think a lot of it is like, you know, it became the place where you can say things and like get, you know, either fired up about it, make a point about something, you know, and actually, all right, all these people are paying attention.

I don't think they really, they didn't, I mean, they weren't bad parents. They just were like, I feel like they didn't, they just were kind of missed a lot of stuff, you know? What do you like were your parents, did your parents party with other parents? No, they weren't part of yours. I just feel like they were more like,

how's it going? And you're? No, they weren't part of yours. I just feel like they were more like, how's it going? You're like good, they're good. You're like, you know, they're not, you have to volunteer something for it to- Like if you wanted attention, you needed to reach out for it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like so.

Do you think your dad had PTSD? I think so, I think a version, I think we never thought he did, but I looking back on an as an adult now, I think so. I think almost everybody does. Even the people that go like, oh, I didn't. I'm like, yeah, I think you do. And because I think it's too horrific,

I think, for a human being to experience. And do you think your mom always felt like an outsider? 100%. Really? 100%. And so do you think like now, like as an adult, do you think your mom was always like striving to

Integrate herself into American culture kind of you know with her you see like such a personality switch when She's with Latin people or speaking Spanish. Yeah, like we talk about that self We talk about that on our on our episode of my Netflix series Yeah, it's in the show and you say your mom is a storyteller. Like your mom is a personality, but that is, it's only when it's her culture, like in a weird way. It's like her.

You can get her in English and like the right environment and the right day and just comfortable and she'll, she'll entertain you if you were talking to her. But like in Spanish you see her really come alive. The real thing is like if you spend a lot of time with her in America and then you go with her to like a Latin country, you're like, oh my God, where is this person?

Really? Yeah, yeah. And I think a part of it's coming over at like, you know, 30, 33 or something. Wait, how was your mom when she started having kids? 33? Yeah, I think 33 or 34. For a really? Really? Really? Yeah. And so, do you ever talk to your other sisters Yeah, I think 33 or 34 for a real older sister, yeah.

And so do you ever talk to your other sisters about like your parents? Like did they feel like they needed to reach out and get attention? Uh, yeah, and they did through their behavior. Yeah. Yeah, I think I kept it in more, you know, but the desire for the attention they were more like acting out So why why do you why do you like what is it about? Do you have one was the last time you lost control Lost control like where you cuz you are one of my most measured friends

I mean like lost my temper. No, just lost control where you were like, no, not even temper, but just you're like, fuck it, spring break. Ah! Oh, I do the thing, I think it's still about once a year where I drink way too much. And I've never even been there.

No, you've never been there for it. Why wouldn't you do that with me? I don't know. I mean, we can't. That's like one of my favorite things. I think it's because it's not planned. It's not planned. That's why.

One of the last time you got way too drunk. I can't remember off the top of my head. I just know that what'll happen is this, like now usually if I'm drinking, it's not that much. And if I go, you know, I feel like there's been weeks like on the, on the last tour there had to have been a night where the shows are over for the week and it's been week after week and you start with booze, right? That's the only danger for me.

Because like, fears I'm like, whatever wine, you know, it's fine. Yeah. But like, if I'm drinking a bourbon and usually like after a certain number of couple you're like, oh I feel it and I have to get up for this flight or whatever. But there's been a couple times where I'm like, yeah fuck it. And like, yeah it's all, I always end up feeling like dog shit, blacking out part of the night. Blacking out? Yeah.

And you just talk shit. I've never seen this. Let's schedule the time. I am. Let's do a let's do. I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. And I blacked out at like 11. And we were out till four. Are you serious? So I woke up the next day and I was just like,

you know, just like the panic. Come and kill a bat! Yeah. I did it here also in L.A. at like 23. Yeah. Where? Dude. I also woke up and I was like, what the fuck?

Can we do a web like we do the web series like can we do one web episode of you getting black out drunk? It's not gonna be good. Well, I'll get black out drunk with you. You don't get black out drunk. I gray out. We would have to fucking get an IV of booze into you. When I would probably need to do something a little more.

No, I just haven't. You could do it rectally, because that could cause alcohol poisoning. We could do that. I haven't, I haven't, I'm probably a super lightweight right now. I haven't drank in 30 days. 20, but.

25 days. Yeah. Technically, it's really probably probably. Oh, you'll like this one. What? Because I, so I'm working in, I'm working in, in, I'm an intern at a Copeland Entertainment. And I'm going out with some of the staff there. I just started doing stand up. And I don't bring them to a show, but we're all hanging out. We're going to a couple bars and we end up at Miyagi's on sunset. I know Miyagi's. Yeah it was across the street from Dublin's.

Well yeah I remember Miyagi's. So we're there with a group of people and I'm a few deep of like booze and tequila and shit and I'm holding court and talking shit. People are so not you though. I know. And I'm talking shit, people are laughing. And I got this, I got vague memories of it but someone else had it tell me they're like, so we're all sitting around and you're talking.

And then in the middle, he's like, you're notably drunk. You just puke in front of everybody. Like just stand there and you project that alignment. Notably drunk you just puke like in front of everybody like just Stand there and you like project the alignment and then you know like when you're when you're done puke And you spit like you you know, they go he's like you're done puke and you spit And like kind of clear it and then you Kind of stand back up and you keep telling your story So everybody everyone was like whoa and so I And then you kind of stand back up and you keep telling your story to everybody. Everyone was like, whoa.

And so I, I go into work on Monday. That was Saturday night. I go into work on Monday and like five of the people that I work with were there. And I'm like, Hey, what's up? Like, I'm going to see you guys and they're like, good to see you. What is the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. How come that's why? I'm gonna see you guys in there, like, good to see you. What is the fuck? Yeah, how come that's why, how do you,

like, that would scare me if I knew that I could get there and I wouldn't remember it. Like, I would be like, I gotta measure my alcohol. Yeah, I mean, like, it's not the reason I don't drink that much. I just, you know, the older I've gotten, usually if I have a few drinks, I'm talking like of real drinks, and not anywhere close to drunk,

I'll wake up the next day and be like, fuck man, I don't feel like I can do anything today. So I feel like, I feel like, I see I was in the shower and I was trying to defend me drinking with Joe as a day not drinking, and the reason I can defend it is that I didn't cut loose. Like I had two drinks, which is what a regular person does. But I got to be honest with you, I felt like the whole time I was just in the starter's box.

Like I was just down in the starter's box looking at the race going, when are we going to let go of this? And that's the problem I have is that I want to, like I don't want to be in the starter's box. Like if we go to, if we go to have dinner and you all have a glass of wine That's starter blocks like I want a race. I want to run. I'm a fucking stallion. I want to fucking I want to feel free I don't want to draw like I could never the reason I don't drink and drive is because I don't want to I don't want to Measure my alcohol and go Actually, I got a stop. I got a drive. I need an hour to measure my alcohol and go, actually I gotta stop, I gotta drive, I need an hour

and I just go, no, no, I just take an Uber and then let's fucking cut loose. Yeah, yeah, your brain's different. My brain's really different, I like to run. I'm like a dolphin. If you think about it, I'm really, I'm truly like a dolphin. I'm probably more. If I think about it, you really are truly like a dolphin.

100%. Which is, why is that? Is that I'm beautiful to watch. Like, I'm just pure joy. I like to get in front of boats. I like to jump out of the water. I like to do flips. Not a lot of points to like what I do.

You could probably argue like, is any of this like purposeful? Like what is the point of this? But it's beautiful. You'll like this one. You can ask Chuck this one. This is a scarier one. Is he still in LA? Yeah. Yeah. So when we went to Myrtle Beach,

it was like junior year. I want, I want you to slow the story down. Wanna know what car you drove in? I wanna know what you were wearing. Okay. Were you wearing the Nike slides with gym shorts and a cut off Miami dolphins sleeveless shirt that you would cut the sleeves off yourself? Now it's probably like a button down like Stoocy.

What? Yeah, and then jeans and like, I don't know, maybe boat shoes or something. I think it's fresh when it's soft when you're like, oh. So you like dressed up, you didn't go to the beach to like, to like look like. See, I'm in bad. I'm in bad. Different years of college, I dress differently.

I have a vision of you dressed as like an offensive lineman. Like, like, like, sleep like the sleeves cut off your shirt cut down to here. Top's got his shirt off with a, with a, with a, with a, a straw fedora with beer caps all around the edge with a python around his neck. Now we're in his 95 Mustang GT. He drove, I remember that. I remember we didn't have a hotel and we're driving around a residential neighborhood. And we got pulled over. And like we have weed and booze

and everything were underage and we got out of that. And then we went to the beach and slept on the beach and then the cops kicked us out of there. And then we got a hotel and then we did that ever clear gatorade thing. Yeah. And I completely blacked out and then the next morning he I was like, something happened last night.

He was like, dude. Wait, what did he say what did you do well I'm wishes Chuck is 6'5 and he was at the time he's probably 2'65 a big dude yeah he's like you're lucky I was with you because I I guess I was like just you know super fucked up we went to some club and I was like, you know what we should do man You should like grab a girl's ass and then kick the dude that she's with Wait is there a nickname for this guy Does this this so he's in 10 milligrams homie? No, no, no So he was like he thought it was he was like oh, it's hilarious He's like the thing you start doing it so then like a girl combined you grab rath and you kick the guy and

And they were like what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, what? And he told me that he was like, yeah man, so a couple guys definitely wanted to fuck you up. Shut up. Yeah. What was your nickname for that guy when he show up? For this guy?

Yeah, but like, did you have a character? No, I didn't. Tom Tom just shut up? No, no, T-bond's like, I don't know Tom Tom just set up. No, no, no, T-buns, I guess. No, no, no, I don't know. It was like, but I don't know. I just never wanted to get like, that fucked up again. Oh, I love when I get that fucked up. Really?

Yeah, I love when I love. I'm super. One of my favorite things in the world when in college was being like, like, waking up and being like, how did I get home last night? I will say this, you're a really good drunk, that's a horrible feeling. Um, I'm actually, as bad as that sounds, I'm actually like a really level,

I tell people like all positive shit when I'm drunk. See, I wanna see the one, I wanna see you dangerous. Like when you're like, let's kick that guy in the leg. And that, because that would make me laugh hard as fuck. Can we get security? Yeah, oh that'd be a fun one. We should hire like maybe seals and then just go around and I'll be like, so bitch Like all drunk and see what what happens. That is a brilliant idea. You want a videotape? That is a brilliant what we need to do Well, we we should call it let's hang on let's think of the right term

But it's it's like when you're a diplomat. Oh yeah. Diplomatically drunk, and where you can't get in trouble, because you have... Diplomatic community. Diplomatic community. And we have like nine cage fighters around us. And we're just, and we get to, we get to go up to guys bigger than us,

and just test them a little bit, And then the cage fighters will be like, amen, calm the fuck down. He's like, oh my god, you're right. You're right, I'm so sorry, I'm such a big fan. You know this guy and he's like, yeah, we're getting paid pretty heavily to make sure that he didn't get killed tonight. It's pretty funny too.

It's a talk to somebody who's like, hey, I'm just trying to have a good night. I'm like, well, you fucked up coming here tonight. So. Hey, man, are you gonna stand up and be there? Sit there like a bitch. And he's like, what's your swishy ass looking at right now? I think the Diaz brothers are staring pretty aggressive at me.

And we're like, hey, go up and smack him. He's like, I'm not touching him, but this is all you tonight. I'm like, thank you. Thank you. And just go up and be like, I'm putting my fingers in your mouth, motherfucker. And he's like, ah, ah, ah, ah.

It could turn out to be would be so much fun. Yeah. If you could do that for bachelor parties, like you'd be like, hey man, we got you a bachelor party. You're like, do you get strippers? You're like, no, we got cage fighters. And you're like, what? And like, you get to take these cage fighters out with you tonight.

We're not getting any trouble. They're gonna squash it all before it starts. Yeah, it'd be perfect, man. Basically, you can provoke somebody into fighting, but then the fight will never happen. But it'll never happen, because the guys, I'm sorry, man, I didn't know it was Boss Routin. So sorry, he, and Boss is like,

Amen, just sit down, okay? Yeah. Is that a good boss? Boss Routin, it probably has one story that I think over and over and over again. You've ever watched that, the clips of his open-handed slap, it's the fucking, no. He did this thing where,

when he was kickboxing, he would do an open palm slap to like your ear. And it wasn't forbidden, and it would just distort and hurt them enough that then that his next move, they were never really prepared for. And he would just devastate them with this, oh, you can probably pull it up,

Boss Routin, his open hand slap, it's fucking, oh my God, it looks like the worst. And then he obviously kicks so fucking hard, man. Backhand's Frank Shamrock, God, man. You know, I wonder if, do you think that Cage, by the way, I'm the last person that should be talking about anything MMA? Pankrius? Right, see, no clothes fist to the head in this thing,

but you can do palm strikes and slaps, and he's just, he has mastered it, man. Does it seem like back in the day, like during this time that like, these guys just, oh my God. Is that Frank Shamrock? Yeah it is. It's a young Frank Shamrock. Yeah. God, man, he's got a gruey fucking body. Whoa. Yeah, he just got like the uh, but if you get his open his open palm strikes, Boss Routin is a fucking savage dude. Yeah, the. You know what, I gotta tell you the way I love him telling stories, the way he tells a story is so matter of fact.

Who boss? Boss Routin, every time he tells a story, he's like, did you ever hear the story about the time the guy that got the cue ball stuck in his mouth? The time he got a cue ball? They bet a fucking dude, he couldn't get a cue ball in his mouth. He did? Boss Routin, better guy fucking duty couldn't get a cubal in his mouth He did it positive and better guy that he couldn't get a cubal in his mouth knowing full well You can get it in you just can't get it out And he's like yeah, and then we had to break some of his teeth out and get the cubal out

You know it's really hard to get a cubal out like the way he says it's so like if you told me you're gonna have to break my teeth Out to get a cub, I'd be like, Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, now we're going to break some of teeth out because that's the only way to get a tooth out. You would be the guy to have a cue ball stuck in your mouth. This is all hard. I have to explain it to your wife. He said he could do it and then they shoved it in there and then what's it? Okay, we're gonna do the palm strike here. What is this?

Oh no. So okay, this is gonna be a lot of him teaching it out of. Do you think, do you think, you don't have some compilation of him doing it? Not to like, not to like trash talk current MMA fighters. Cause there's a lot of great ones now. But don't you think there was a lot of the first time I've ever been in a crash talk current MMA fighters. Because there's a lot of great ones now.

But don't you think there was like something a little more heroic about that first round of cage fighters like the tank Abbots and the Frank Shamrock. Well, it was more brutal. Is that what it is? Yeah, it was more, it was less rules.

It was almost like there was only like five pillars of, of like, hoist-gracy. Like though, it seemed like there was only few of them. Now it seems like it rotates so quickly that guys come in and out of the system. But don't you remember those early days though? They would just be just covered in blood and they would just be rolling around in blood

and there was like two, remember? I think they were striking to the back of the head and they were just like, what happened? I mean, that was amazing. How much we knew about MMA without knowing anything about MMA only because we had the chip in our box. So we could watch pay-per-view anytime we wanted in college. And we would just watch. I mean, that would be our pre-party of going out Friday Saturday night. Really?

Was you just watch all the fights on repeat on the chip and we just sit there. And I remember the first time I heard you were watching that in college in college yeah really I remember watching hoist Gracie in college how to be 1996 97 um I but I I think I remember watching hoist Gracie and being blown away that a little guy could take a big guy like being that was like mind changing. I remember we watching those fights and then going out to bars and just being so fucking physically aggressive because we had watched so many of those fights. You know what that's called?

Priming. That happened to me one time where I watched a bunch of fights and I was at a job and I just kept watching fight, fight, fight. And then they were just like, hey, you know, guests aren't supposed to be on the eighth floor of this building and then someone was like, there's someone on the eighth and I was like, hey, you know, guests aren't supposed to be on the eighth

floor of this building, and then someone was like, there's someone on the eighth, and I was like, I'm gonna go talk to him right now. And I got it, and I just started barking in this dude's face, and he was like, what the fuck, man? Like, don't be to calm down. And I was like, no! And it was all from watching, just getting those in my head. Like, red fucking throw it out. I remember getting afraid, like, I wanna say that there's that one. Open hand strike. Or is that somebody else? That's someone else.

Oh, but look at that fucking monster. Who is that? Yeah, who is that? Jesus Christ, man. Is this real? That's not even look like a real person. No, this is like, this is like WWE shit. No, no, this is, oh yeah, this is gotta be WWE.

No, he's kicking hard. Yeah, I don't know. This looks ridiculous. Oh my God. Who, that's, this is like real. This is pro wrestling. Yeah, that's wrestling. I know, we're both like two fucking country bumpkins in the back of a garage watching

pro wrestling going now that looks real. No that look that that that looks like bullshit. All right. How long do you think it would take us to kill Boss Routin in a hotel room with he was passed out. If he was passed out like but just drunk right so like he's had a lot to drink and he's sleeping a bed and we that's our jump. So the mission is kill him.

We need to kill him. And so like, but we can't like, here's the key, right? Okay. Everything. It's a cheap hotel room. So everything's glued to everything. So you can't lift the thing. You got to me and you with our bare hands, got to try to kill just a just a sleeping

boss route. Wait, is he just sleeping? Or is he he's been drinking? How is he just sleeping? He's been drinking. How much? So he's passed out. Like it's pretty wasted. I mean, we just have to try to suffocate him, I guess. You think, oh, hold on one second.

Yeah. Okay. So you think very quietly, you'd go, we're going to put a pillow over his head. And then you go, you're out of your fucking mind. Stand on the bed and kick him in that fucking head. And you're like, that battle just wake him up. Yeah, I feel like, I mean, can we pick the phone up or now?

Can't pick the phone up. Where are the dresser? If you have me and you can lift the dresser. OK, so I would be like, let's pick up the dresser. Go over his head, throw it down on his head, kick the dresser off, and then I'll hold it down with a biller. And then all of a sudden me and you were lifting up the dresser, he wakes up. We're like, hi, sir, we're, kicked the dresser off, and then I'll hold it down with a pillow. And then all of a sudden, me and you were lifting up the dresser, he wakes up,

we're like, hi sir, we, like just the type of men. I would love to see you fight, boss, rootin'. Think about, let's categorize men. Are you ready? Okay. Let's start with physical men. There are men out there. Kedafi.

What? No, there are men out there that their safety is not paramount. What do you that their safety is not paramount. What do you mean, safety is not paramount? Like, for me and you, our safety is number one. Like we're not gonna do, like a bike said, hey man, let's go out and surf these big waves and we'll do toe in surfing.

Let's see if we can do it. You'd be like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not even gonna, yeah, I'm gonna die. But there are people that go, oh no, let me get a shot of that. Yeah. Like, layered Hamilton goes, I'm in gonna, yeah, I'm gonna die. But there are people that go, oh no, let me get a shot of that. Yeah. Like, Laird Hamilton goes, I'm in. And then, yeah.

I mean, dude, I saw him paddleboard into T-A-Poo. T-A-Poo's like the biggest thickest wave in the world. People have a hard time just surfing into it. A lot of people toe into it. He paddleboarded into it. Like a paddleboard. And then surfed it. Dude, type in L in layered Hamilton paddleboard

t-a-poo it's ta that's the not the way you spell t-a-poo that's a fucking Thai hooker it's pronunciation all right let's see I want to see how he searches it makes me so angry tia that's ampoo just so you know you wrote t-a-Poo. Hold on, hold on. Erase that whole thing. Got layered Hamilton. L.A. I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, So for the record I can tell you the wave right now. That wave on the far right is TIPU. And by the way, I didn't even see that it says TIPU. That is TIPU. But type in Weird Hamilton, paddle boards TIPU.

See, that's how you spell TIPU. It's T-E-A. There, it's just was at the bottom. Here. Look at this. Sorry, guys. So go to video. Videos. Stand up paddle boarding, TIPU.

Now, these are fucking dudes that are, look how thick this fucking wave is. I've watched this video maybe a hundred times. This one? I've watched this video because. So where is, where in Hawaii is this? This is not Hawaii. This is Tahiti. Oh because where is where in Hawaii is this is not why this is This is Tahiti. Oh, this is like okay like not Pacific. Yeah, and this is the thickest wave

Look how does that mean the thickest way you'll see how thick this wave is so look at this guy just go So take a look when I get you see the sideways just look at how like You see that wave's not like a, it's just a fucking mound of water pouring onto people. God, that looks fun. I could never, there's not a part of me that could ever do that. Like I just, I would never,

just the idea of like standing up, like being able to stand up that quickly, I can't stand up that quickly. Like that's the hardest part about surfing is getting from on your body. Have you surfed before? Yeah, but not like the real surfing. But I mean, don't you think that's just your inexperience though?

Yeah, but look at this fucking guy. Do you think you're willing to risk that? No, no, I'm not willing to risk any of this. But by the way, that is even scary at like, like a five foot wave is terrifying to get thrown off of. Where's the layered in the other side? He wants this. He's just gonna come in on a paddle board?

On a paddle board, dude. That is unfa- look at all these guys are trying to paddle, like surf regular into it cause you gotta like be able to get going fast forward to it to the layered. You'll see. Are you, do everything how fascinating it'll be, like on a purely genetic study thing to-

Look at him, look at him, look at him. Jesus Christ. On a fucking paddle board, look how, look at him, go on, come on, get the fuck go, go. Dude, that guy's a different cut of human. Yeah, for sure he is. Like I look at that, like go- He also will jump out of a helicopter onto a wave. Yeah, like I like, there's, I look at that and I go. He also will jump out of a helicopter onto a wave.

Yeah, like, I look at all the different types of men and I go, there's a lot of men I couldn't relate to and then they go, well, stand up one of the most scary things in the world and you're like, not at all. Well, I would much rather. But that is, you know, someone's perspective for sure. Subjectively, they go, there's nothing more terrifying than standing in front of a few thousand people alone. That is for some people

Yeah, but have you ever thought about what I mean again just Scientifically studying the fact that he and Gabby Reese have kids like That they're both these like specimens athletes super athletes. I mean amazing like what their kids must Their kids must, I mean, I know they have multiple kids, but like when their kids become adults, I bet they're all just gonna be freaks basically, right? Like physical freaks. It's crazy.

I just talked to Gabby Reese the other day. You did? Yeah. Yeah. By the way, as a Florida state kid, it was like like a highlight. Like I was like, oh, so fucking excited. I want to know what her seat freshman year was like,

like where she lived, like all this, all the weird stuff about going to Florida State. You know what they've done, which I have not good at, which as a parent you go, I'm not really good at. They didn't pressure their kids into anything. They wanted their kids to find their own way. Yeah, that's great. Because that's who they were.

They were parents didn't pressure them. And I was like, I would not be like, if I had kids that had the fucking genetics of Laird Hamilton and Gabby Reese, I'd be like, uh, we're up at six in the morning and we are doing burpees. Starting that, like, we are getting fucking ripped. They probably already naturally are.

I think they're, I think their kids, you know, Gabby Reese, which is interesting me didn't get into volleyball until like her senior year of high school. Really? Like she didn't, and she didn't, she was like, I wasn't even really that good, I was just tall. She was like, and I kind of didn't get into volleyball until like her senior year high school. Really? And she didn't, and she didn't, she was like, I wasn't even really that good, I was just tall. She was like, and I kind of didn't,

like I wasn't really passionate about it until I got into it. And then I was like, okay, I can get into it. She's a really fascinating person. What did you guys podcast? Podcast on broadcast. We did a Zoom, got, why do I start? What was that sentence? Why do I stutter when I talk to you?

What was that sentence? She and I've watched so many videos of her fucking layered. Yeah. Of her end layered, but Jesus is coming out wrong. They do this, they do this sauna. I'm doing this sauna today where it's an extended sauna at like 135, you do it for an hour. And she, they do this sauna color plunge, which I do a version of. And then she's like, you should come 135 you do it for an hour and she they do this sauna

color polar plunge which I do a version of and then she's like you should come over and do it and I was like oh I'd love to and I was so intimidated until I realized I will just bring my best buddy Tommy where do they live though in Malibu they have a house in Malibu. Oh it's an illusion of why they have a house in Malibu in Hawaii too. So me and you go we do some underwater go go like kettlebell runs on the bottom kettlebell run on the bottom. Yeah getting the sauna for like to at 220 with layered on a on a fucking with some other Mitz and a one of these rowing things we bring Joe. We should bring Joe And then and then we'll get ice plunge. I love when you're a fan of see just kind of run and you're like and then this guy will come

Like none of that's gonna have hard core workout me and you need to hard core workout with layered Yeah, that would be a fun day and then we'll we'll video it and we'll put it on a crush on Gabby Everyone's dead everyone I worked with her. She didn't remember it. You did I did a pilot with her. Yeah, when? Probably like Probably like five years ago five years ago. Five years ago, she doesn't remember it? No, she was like, do you remember where we went? She's like, is this a trick question? I was like, no, I still be did a pilot for love line. She was like, oh my God.

Yeah, I wanna say it was love line. Maybe it was the man show. You don't even remember the fucking thing. I don't really remember the thing. Anyway, but I said, she told me about, it was the first time I ever heard about kombucha. I said, do you party and she goes, no, but I'll have a kombucha every now and then. I was like, I ever heard about kombucha. I said, do you party and she goes, no, but I'll have a kombucha every now and then.

And I was like, I'd never heard a kombucha and I go, what's kombucha? And she goes, there's alcohol in it. And I went, oh, cool. And so the next night I bought like a six pack of kombucha and then I was like, I can't catch a buzz from these shit. Like, I gotta drink it faster. You know, like, can you just slow roll on it?

What are you telling me you're kidding me? I swear to God. And what's even funny, or as I said to the lady when I checked out of Gelson's, I said, there's alcohol in there and she goes, yeah, technically we're supposed to ID you. And I was like, I thought she was saying it because I was older.

Like I looked, I was like, technically I got ID you. I know you're 21. But she was saying technically because there's such a minuscule amount that they technically like I've had 20 of these. I had at least four and I didn't feel anything. By the way, I've had the ones with straight up alcohol in it, but with a say it's a beer and I don't feel those. But I need to go. It's a good sign.

Wait, you feel it? You feel it? I don't know. I don't drink them. Who? Let's get fucked up today and go just harass people. Okay. You know what we could do? Get some booze into me and we'll just go harass people without masks on. We'll just scream at them from the car. Oh yeah. We're driving, we're like, look, we're gonna have verbally assault some people.

You just be cool, here's an extra 100. Yeah, I like it. I like it. Hey, fuckhead, trying to get AIDS? We just keep driving. Put a mask on. We'll just do that shit. I like that idea.

I would love, I'm curious of when I'll start drinking again. What is your guess? I want to do a big Zoom party call. They said they can do a Zoom with 3,000 people. And I was like, I would love to do that and do like a happy hour with 3,000 people. We're talking about, we gotta have a end of quarantine party. Okay.

You know what I mean? Yeah, when you want to do it. When the quenching? Are you inviting me or are you telling me? Of course you're invited. Okay. Like, you're talking about like, what do you, maybe I got into this way too quick. What are you thinking when you say end of quarantine party?

I'm thinking of like throwing a party to celebrate your house. Yeah, yeah, I'm in. Yeah, yeah. And then like, but I mean we're really ty-won on, you know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm really. I'm gonna get little people there, get some like bread Williams, other dwarves.

Look at some little people there. Some of your favorite, seven favorites. So wait, when do you want to do this? other dwarves. Little people there. Some of your favorite seven favorites. So wait, when do you want to do this? I mean, Gavin Newsome, by the way, who will be our president one day, is a... Oh, boy, am I getting a lot of texts. About what? Just everything. Steve Hoff's ever hit me up. So wait, when did they say we're gonna be out of quarantine? They say that they're gonna lock out, stay at home, is ending in May. May 15th is the current.

Oh, that's a month away. We don't know what's gonna happen. Dude, if I don't drink for another month, my liver is back to, that's my manager. My liver is back to normal. Yep. Says Dr. Drew. Okay. Kind of.

Kind of said that. He said, he said it starts rejuving and eating it himself. Let me see. Call Dr. Drew and see when, see when my liver gets back to normal. Let's get this. 60 days. Oh, shit, I have a conference call at noon. Oh, that's 30 minutes away, you're good.

Yeah. Let's see, let's see. Tell them I'm 30 days sober. Okay. BEEP. BEEP. I'm by the way, we lost 1,000 people. Hey buddy, I'm recording this call.

This is two bears one cave. I'm with Bert Kreischer right now. Bert. You with? Uh, the big guy drinks a lot. Hey big boy. Oh yeah. I'm with Bert Kreischer right now. Bert. You with? The big guy drinks a lot. Hey, big boy. Oh yeah.

Yeah. He's between 20 and 30 days sober. I'm 31 month, 52 minutes, and 27 seconds sober. He's sober for a month now. Right now, just by the time he's very serious about it. Very, he's got an app. He said he understands why AA works. I do understand Drew.

Literally last night at 30 days, we lost a thousand people that all stopped drinking on the same day. A thousand people started drinking last night. Hmm, I know, right? Yeah. Please, but here's the deal. Even though Bert now understands how AA works, he has no intention of doing it.

No, no, yeah, not doing it. No, no, no, he has actually no intention of doing it. Actually, we're trying to figure out when I can start drinking. Yeah, he's trying to plan when to start drinking again. I told him that they extended the stay at home in LA till May 15th, and he's like, if I can go till May 15th another month,

my liver will be completely back to normal and I was like, okay? Well, we can't go without doing some testings. Okay. Because he may have fibrosis. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang up on him, hang up on him. I don't fucking want to hear this. I just think you have it. You're right that if you just had fatty liver, it should be pretty good at about two months.

There you go. Yeah. Yeah. If you have just fatty liver, but you may have some at about two months. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. If you have just fatty liver, but you may have some fibrosis in there as well, which means what? Which means what? Which means the liver started to scar. You know, that's what happens after the inflammation comes fatty liver, and that is sort

of an irreversible process. Okay. And then, and then, and then, so why the fuck does anyone call you? You're like, you're like Johnny Bad News. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Then I might as well just fucking start drinking again, right Drew? No, wrong, because it can be very, very slow unless you drink, then it can be very, very fast. Yeah. Great. So, so you can be fine a lifetime, which is a little fibrosis. Okay, what about this? What about this?

He feels regular pain in his kidney areas. Is that something to think about? Stop. Stop. Stop. I don't even want to know what that sounds like. Drew, I have never had elevated enzymes in my life. Oh my liver. Okay, and that's not a great way to assess the liver. It's just, if they're high, they tell you something up if they're low, they necessarily say anything. So you need like an ultra-sant of your liver

to know for sure what's going on. What about MRI or a CAT scan of his brain just to see like what kind of, you know, frontal lobe, damage? I'm a trinket with them, yeah, and I'm high, because a lot. MRI or Cascanna was brain just to see like what kind of you know frontal low-bramage All right, we'll do schedule an MRI and guess we just got uninvited to the party Drew So just take advantage of the extended lockdown. Yeah, I got it. But we're talking about throwing a party,

which is my FOMO, which I want to drink at. Yeah. You're gonna have a party while there's a lot for you. No, no, no, at the end of quarantine. Yeah, but you're not gonna be allowed more than 10 people for a while. It's me and Tom. All right.

We're just thinking of getting a couple, you know. What's the big about any other way that you can bump her down? How about what else can we do if I'm in hell? Tell me Torey doesn't start again till fall 21. Yeah. Oh, no, there will be, I look, it's possibly if you can get a better click

in the top of the possible. Who will say? Give us good news. Give us good news. Yeah, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're I look at you. It's possible. You've been getting better quick than a doctor. You will see. Give us good news. Give us good news. Yeah. Yeah. Our car is planning.

What's good news? So good news is, you know, the California, we're going amazing. We've suppressed the thing like crazy. Therapeutics are really looking very encouraging. I have my peers are getting lots of interesting improvisations up to their belt where they are learning new ways to attack this thing that are really working. It's a sea.

It might be a seasonal virus. It might go away during virus, it might go way during the summer. Vaccines are accelerating, I'm listening to a lecture on the vaccine right now, to figure out how fast it could come. And the way out is with the social distancing and the mass and the hand washing all of this stuff, and that might be very, very, very effective. That's cool. And is it true that Persians need to worry more than anybody else? Persians Trying to I'm following but I'm not getting I'm just not are they more prone to getting it or no?

Okay, all right just checking just checking Just feathered brother. All right. Well Thank you for the intel. We're good. Yeah. Thanks for the good mood. We're gonna try to heal Bert soon. Thank you, thank you Dr. Drew. Hey Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew. What can I take to heal my liver quicker? Nothing, fluid and exercise. Well, you know, exercise can be just a blood flow through it

with exercise, a good idea that will help. There you go. And otherwise, I can't think of any, all that non-truck combat milk, milk, this whole, this whole and all stuff, I can't think of any of all that not about milk, this whole, this whole and all stuff really doesn't do anything. Just kind of, I'm just, you know, sometimes the semi-cult NAD that I'll look into a little bit for you that

maybe, maybe, maybe, but just don't drink those the main things. Okay, great. Awesome. Thanks for, I appreciate it. One time I walked into a GNC and I said to the guy I said yeah, I'm looking for something to kind of like help heal my liver and the guy looked at me Is in the in guy and he goes you need to quit drinking man and I went I'm sorry and

I was like I how do you know that I drink and he he goes, why do you come in a GNC and ask? I need to be a liver. You need to quit drinking, man. That's all. And I went, well, you hold on. You don't have to just like, I've got a vitamin. He goes, quit drinking and just went back to the desk. And I went, I sold him.

I said, you're gonna get a hurt, a real bad. And am I doing it right? Dude, it's close. That hat is fire, it's not out yet. I've never been asked more about this. Oh, Leanne's going crazy. She's like, all I get are fucking emails about that goddamn hat.

It's gonna be May, is what we know for sure now. Yeah. And it's gonna, I think we should actually get together and do like an IG live to announce that it's in, because it's gonna go immediately. Okay. We should do something like social media. Let's like an IG live to announce that it's in because it's gonna go immediately. Okay, we should do something like social media. Let's do an Instagram live. Have you been doing a lot of Instagram live?

Yeah, I've been doing celebrities. No, I did one with David Arquette the other day. Yeah, fun. Pretty fun. He goes, he's like, man, I go, you drink in and he goes, no man, I'm fucking sober. And I said, oh nice, I go, how long? And he goes, oh, like two days.

But you know, like, oh, that's why I love David Arquette. Yeah, yeah, we should do an Instagram live. And then we should, you want to do a Zoom meeting with 3,000 people. I'll let you handle that. And then we're gonna have a party at your house. I think so. On May.

Let's just see how this develops, but yeah, playing on it. And then what is, I'm like, I'm in really great shape right now, I'm looking good, I'm feeling good. I'm trying to get heard healthy. That's my new thing. Heard healthy? Yeah, because that's what they're talking about. Heard humidity.

Is that they're gonna, at one point, they're just gonna be like, all right, fuck it. Let's start life back up again. And we're just gonna thin out the herd. That's, that's what the, that's what the, I mean, type in herd immunity real quick, because that's like the big thing they're talking about now is going, fuck it, you just go back into society.

It's just ACRD. Oh my God. Yeah, Amber heard, humanity, immunity. Herd immunity. The resistance is spread of contagious disease that was a suddenly high proportion of individuals immune disease, especially through vaccination.

But what they're talking about is just opening up things again and just saying, who does? Fuck it, go out and let's just roll the dice that young people don't die like crazy. By the way, I'm paraphrasing. I'm not certain that's what, that's me barely listening to me. Yeah, because it doesn't really say that there, but I like it. But I, but I, by the way, I just want to point out... Did I listen to amazing? No.

That we barely got to know me. Hold on. I... You stopped at fucking third grade. I'm gonna... Start the clock. I'm gonna tell you a one-minute story. If I can do a one-minute story on time, that means I've listened, okay?

Ready? Set. Okay. Ready, set, go. Tom Sugaer was born to Forest Gump and Frida. They lived very early in Cincinnati where he was born and then he moved to Minnesota where he found his love of football. Started going to football camps, which stars as Chris Collinsworth and I fucked that up. Rich Gannon. Tom then moved down to Florida where he missed a move.

He moved back to Cincinnati. You moved to Indiana. Milwaukee. Milwaukee. Milwaukee. Milwaukee was next. What the fuck did you do in Milwaukee? I was a fucking kid.

I went to school. And then he moved down to a very multicultural group of friends. Three black dudes, two Indians, an Asian, and they were called the Mathletes. And then him and Charlie went to South Carolina and partied in an Iraq and slept on the beach. Tom kicked a dude in the legs, smacked his chicken the ass,

and that's where we met. What was the name of the drinking tom? Tom, Tommy, two times Tommy. Tommy, two times? Bons. Bons, Tommy, Bons. Tommy's, personnel, God, that was a minute 12. I feel like I was at fucking three minutes.

Yeah, we ordered. All right guys, here's what I'm gonna say. was that fucking three minutes. Yeah, we are dead. All right guys, here's what I'm gonna say. Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up. My goal in this podcast is to start listening more. I'm not gonna change a bird is center up this, but I'm gonna start listening more, okay? Okay.

That's my goal in this podcast. My goal is to point out how often he doesn't do that. Okay, that's totally, totally cool. That's, you know what we should do at the end of every episode? What? What did we learn about each other? Okay.

Okay. So you start with me, what did you learn about? Um, why don't we try on the next episode? Why? Okay. Um, what did I learn about you? I learned today that Tom, I just interrupted you. I can't help it.

I learned that Tom needed to fight for his personality and that is why we got blessed with the guy we have today A guy who just wants you to notice him but doesn't want to interrupt you because he understands that dad Vietnam is a lot harder mom understand that his American culture is confusing but I do want you to be hurt I want to be hurt. Oh, it's pretty good. Yeah, pretty good I learned that you have more health problems than I'm aware of, and that the amount of times that you can cite shit in yourself is really alarming. But you also are a lot of the reasons

why you are the way you are, is for sure, because I don't think that you were actually seen and paid attention to that much. Like when you got picked up from a tennis camp and you fucking shit all over yourself, and that you're drinking really brings out the personality that you want people to see you as having fun and you don't want it to ever stop and just keep the party going, let the buzz roll on and your liver will heal itself for sure. There we go, there we go.

And I'm 30 days over. Unless it's scarring. Alright, so that's it for us. If mine's scarring, you're scarring. I'm Tom, he's special needs, and we will be back very soon. Watch Hey Big Boy Ball Hog and our friend, Kristalia has no pain out on Netflix. And see if you can figure out the joke.

We talked about it a little bit. Try to see if you can tie it together. Yep, and then if you can, hit us up, and by the way, even if you find it funny and you can edit together the three of our specials into a joke, you find funny. Hey hit us up with it. I would love to see the person that can edit

the three together and get it right. That would be hilarious. Yeah. All right. That's it. That's it. I love you, Tom. I love you too, buddy.

Bye, bye. Samature, Pertology, Dirty Jokes, Rancho Humber, No Apologies Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave