2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 27 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss vulgar tweets, how their parents differ, and music they hate. They also take a look at Bert's surprise birthday video for Tom. What's the best present YOU'VE ever been given?

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By the way, hold on, I did not say this, but now that's a good conversation. You just said it. But you know it's so funny, I almost, I've been curious, I'd be curious to know the most horrific thing I've ever tweeted. Like it would be, That could be discovered.

No, I've checked my timeline. It's not that bad because I worked for travel channel the entire time Twitter was on. So I was pretty good about not tweeting things. Did they ever call you about a tweet? Are you fucking kidding me? He... Did I got brought into our office?

I got brought into the president's office. You didn't see it, like I do purposely vile things on Twitter. Your Twitter is almost like you're unaware you could get in trouble for it. I got a, one of my good friends was like, is a director and he goes, you know, you were up for this like easy money campaign because I said I wanted you to be the guy

and I was like, oh, great. He goes, yeah. And then corporate has a rating system that they put people's social media through. And it basically has, it's a color coded system. So they go like, if somebody, you know, we want to hire Bert, check out his social media, then they go like, it's blue.

And that means blue means like he's good to go. Oh, I would love that. I would love to find out where I'm rated. And I was like, what happened with me? He goes, well, you came back with like a fire engine red. And I was like, what does that mean? He goes, not, like, we can't forgive it. We can't.

It's for real? Yeah, he goes like, just corporate-wise. He goes, corporations will stay away from you. Well, you remember, you remember when you, when Twinton first started, you just do videos of yourself shitting. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

But more specifically with diarrhea. Ha-ha-ha-ha Yeah. I remember being, I remember being on my show. Do you want to know something? I didn't know that people were writing to me for a long time. I didn't know where the ads were. I was like, no one sees this. You were just, you were just the push notification. You weren't ever pulling from anyone. Well, I was like, how come no one ever writes to me? And then somebody was like, have you hit this button? And I saw, I was like, oh, they are seeing me shit. You're like, I got a shit harder. No one's hearing if a man shits in the woods. Yeah. I got a shit harder. No one's hearing if a man shits in the woods. Yeah I'm gonna be in a little toilet and watching you shit and then thinking that is a good angle

I'm gonna shit and so I recorded myself shitting and I posted it to you Going like tit for tat or prequit broke well and with in Two minutes I got a call from travel channel really within I hadn't left the bathroom And they're like and they were like hold that down immediately and I was like, huh? Why I didn't know people were seeing a Me either I was like what I did uh They eat the big thing was you go into type in The big thing was you go into type in horrible words. That's what they do with Kevin Hart. When you just type in at Kevin Hart,

and then type in any slur, and then they just all show up. So that's a super easy way to check. So if you type in, go to Twitter, but aprocratic, go to Twitter. Oh wow, this is gonna take a fucking while. Nidav texts like he has lobster's claws for hands. Yeah, like he's like, oh, oh, okay.

And so go to search and just do Bert, Christ, sure, and now type in a horrible word, Nadov. Go ahead, Nadov. That's not going to find people calling me that. Yeah. Yeah. Surprisingly, he didn't call him, wow, wow. Those are all from recent too.

Wow, that's a beautiful young lady that wrote that. Really? Look at that, that's crazy. Where? On the top one there? B-squirt? No, B-squirt's not a beautiful young lady. Who is?

By the way, we're giving B-squirt a shout out for typing in the most horrible thing you can say about Jewish people Look at this Honestly expected already super I mean okay, go ahead. Keep going. This is a fun game Did Nazi oh there's gonna be millions of Nazi. This is stupid. Oh, that's terrible that I'm there in the Nazi Yeah, the first one that comes up you guys talking about Nazis in the Nazi. Yeah, the first one that comes up, you guys,

talking about Nazis. Yeah. Oh, okay. I read that as a hot Nazi. That's you wrote that. Oh, yeah, but that's interesting that a Nazi is. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Another one from you. No, no, no, hold on. That's a good one, because I'm dyslexic. That reads, I read that as hot Nazi, and was like, sure, I guess why not? Cause Colin Hanks wrote, if the choice is between Nazi and not Nazi,

I'm gonna say I would not Nazi every time. But I read it as hot Nazi. I'm like, well, why wouldn't you? How would you feel about a hot Nazi? What if it was a... What do you mean to put on? That is a genre of porn. Hot Nazis?

Of course. I haven't seen any. Dude, the girl that did flying dillows to me, the blonde chick looked like a hot Nazi. I remember that woman just type in hot Nazi. Yeah, let's see some hot Nazi. And then speaking of porn, let's talk about your birthday wishes.

How great was that was the funnest? You know I had a different angle for that, wait is there anyone that starts in uniform though? Type in not just type in hot Nazi. No, this all kinda looks like normal. Don't put in hot Nazi, it's too specific. Just try not to. Not it's like a redundant, just type in Nazi.

Yeah. Nazi porn. Cause we did find Hitler porn before. Ah, my fure. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What is that gorilla? I don't know, sounds like you're being racist again. Not, I am not.

This is a porn site. Oh, don't you sounds like you're being racist again. Not I am not this is a porn site Oh, don't you dare hold on what is that? There there is Hitler right there though. I just there's That's not right there. That's an animal right? Hold on what was that thing Nadev? What the fuck is that? God's a fuck. By the way, all right, let's get back to

fucking Dov. Yeah, so that was a quick thing to go through, go through your texts and see and type in a horrible word, type in search and text, you see who's written that word the most. That's interesting. Let's see. Yeah. I'll do the word everyone's thinking of and see what comes up.

Which one did you Mexican? If you type in Bert Mexican, I was drinking with this guy, new Bert Cast. Oh, it brings up every time I typed in night. I guess I got to spell it all the way out So Good night You know Mexican's on a slur. He always goes where he feels the Jew is not a slur. What is that one?

Wait, wait, wait. Why did you write the Jew stole the show? No. Why is that, what's that all about? It's a few years old too too So maybe there's a story here What's going on there Get into my account deleted what's this here? Oh, no, it's the ju crew Get into my account, deleted! What's this here?

No, no, it's the Jew crew. The Jew crew was a band that played at George's, at George's choir concert, and they were fucking awesome. Did you give them that name? No, yeah, well, they looked like. Yeah, that was their name. They called themselves the Jew crew.

We're the Jew crew, and they got a big laugh, and then I put it out there, and then one day people say Says I thought cool cool is created by Santa Claus followed you Fuck is that got these old ones are horrible Wait, what is the iron chic said what? He says my agents talk about the birthright shirt is he the Jabroni Jew or intelligent in the comedy. That's what the Irish people are asking about. I think these are old.

Yeah. That's so funny. You talk about flights with common cool Jews in Hollywood and blow jobs. That was a fun topic. That was. The coolest Jews in Hollywood. Like the, like, like that you go.

Not the so-so Jews, like the really cool ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah That was a good blast for me. Who are the coolest Jews? I'm saying there. Yeah, like he made like he was one of the first guys to make like that Hanukkah song. Yeah, you heard it and you were like God damn it. I wish I was Jewish right because he was like Rod Caru Not a Jew right Today I learned that Lyskin black people are more sensitive. I did not oh god. I did write that I did write that I did Okay, I were in okay Jesus Christ. Can we this is a horrible fucking game? I think you actually Can I tell you the craziest thing that here's when you wrote if you like Kid Rock comedy and black people you'll love this week's birthcast

Wow, but these are in context keep going. This is horrible. What is this? Oh my god? I don't even know This is 2010 okay watching the Westminster Kennel dog club show not a lot of black people and buy a lot I mean any that's me trying to write a joke yeah, which is pretty accurate joke Wait scroll back up Julie Diaz wrote if you think black people talk and move with you to go to prison for a few months you ain't seen nothing Hold on this is That is this is this by the way this is what I'm sure they hired someone to travel channel to do for me.

And this is before it was cleaned up. Like my initial Twitter, my first tweet or whatever, that was all just, it was like, it was almost like throwing a rock into a pond. You were like trying to get anyone to notice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's why a lot of people, the what's their name, someone, I won't say their

name. Someone was very vocal about, I don't even say her name. It's, I feel bad for her, but she got, there was someone who got lit up and was like, yeah, who know you tweeted those things and they were horrific and you were like, those are pretty aggressive. But yeah, you do that in your tax, you do that I typed in the N word in my emails because I was like, when the Sony thing came out

and you saw what people were emailing each other. I was like, I don't really email that much, I don't even read my emails. And so I typed in the N word and it came up a bunch and I was like, motherfucker. Why did it come up so much in your emails? My book. Cause I wrote it in my book.

It's written in my book. And so I had to, and so I emailed it, excerpts of my book. Oh, I got you. And it was in my book and I was like, oh, thank God. And then my wife's like, that's not good.

You published the Nords. Like you didn't just write an email. You published it. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's what's like the manifesto you were writing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. no, no, no, no. Wait, Typen, Tom Segura.

Typen, there's the thing I want to talk about. Tom Segura. Let's go through Tom's search history. Tom Segura and then give me the hard one. Typen in, spell it. He wants at Tom Segura. Yeah, at Tom Segura. Spell it he wants at Tom Sigerah. Yeah We might be editing Why would you do that they don't call it that Wait, what's the first one? After Tom Sigerah last night I watched a fat lady call it Filipino lady the N word then go snitch to the cops that she was rassing her I don't know and by the way, this is just two bears, one cave. Great.

Did too many seas. Jesus, no one's ever written a hate-filled email to their neighbor. Well, they're gonna call him that. No, no, you had it right. You know what, it's not like Spock. There. You sound like my mom. Type in the hard one.

Let's see if we get, let's type in, it's, it's hard to start to write the word night. Spell it out for me. Spell it out for me. Type in that one and see if that comes up. That's the buzz word. No, just type in the fucking word. If you type in the word, you're not racist. You won't even type in the word. Is that how woke you are?

Oh, by the way, that's also a hate word. No, uh, hey, can you please see what you're fucking employees doing right now? He won't type in the word with an E. R. He types in with an A so it seems acceptable. We're not using the word, Nadav. You're simply seeing if that word's ever been used in a tweet with Tom. Let's see, there you go. Oh yeah! Oh, I've seen that one. I've seen that video. Has Tom ever used it in a tweet?

That's the what we're at, we're gonna delete it before anyone. Jesus. Oh, no, but um, oh my God. Jesus Christ. These are all old, but it's for people saying it in tweets to you. Yeah. Like hey, Tom, wait, what is that one with me in there? there. Oh, what is that sucks? Well, what is it a reply to? We got boards, we're not doing more. Oh, one is, I was just joking with someone. Wow, he's joking too. Yeah, he's joking too. Yeah, get the fuck out. Okay. God, it's so hard to the trollability of these. Yeah. Is in is through the fucking roof. And that's like, that's what I we were kind of talking about this earlier, but that's what's insane about your mom's house is the I just lose my breath for a second. Yeah. The the the our blood pressure. The K troll ability of your mom's house with like the Garth Brooks with the It's it's I've never really quote unquote trolled entirely, but man, it's

What is that one doesn't do that with 18? That's a joke for me. Oh, okay. Yeah, you can read it. I took him, I'm not gonna say it out loud. Why? I took him the last night and nothing. Brain just shut off.

Totally sober now and the Jews run the banks because I think I'm damn Chinese will stab you in the back. That's a great joke. Yeah, did I right? And I got fucking 21,000. No, 12,000 likes. That's good. That's a great joke.

Yeah, that's a great joke. You know, it's a joke. What's your most retweeted? Can you find that on there in the dov? Let's wait a half an hour till we can find this. It used to be like jokes. And then the most liked thing I've ever tweeted was a couple of days ago when I just wrote,

hey, what the fuck at that meme of Christelia plus me equals big ad from before the 90 days. Oh, that went crazy. That was a good one. I saw that and I was like, that is what they look like. Dude, that thing got,

there, look, 143,000... Wait, let me see. If you go to my, yes I wrote, hey, what the fuck? Oh my God, 143,000 likes. Likes? Yeah, and it's just Chris plus me equals that guy. Holy shit. That is so funny, that is what you guys would look like if you combined. Yeah, that guy's 4-11

Yeah I see it's 4-11 4-11 is very short. That's pretty short. It's a foot shorter than it is. The Beagle Guy die. I don't know, hope so. What year? Did the Beagle Guy die in the dark?

I think he had a stroke and die. Will you look up angry Beagle Guy? We'll be back in half an hour. What? Oh, he had a stroke. That was last year. Oh, yeah, he had a stroke. But that says November 2019. Oh, it's his stroke. That was last year. Oh, yeah, he had his stroke. But that says November 2019.

Oh, it's a while ago. No, that was the other month. Okay, look up, just see if, just do bagel guy. You know, just see, yeah. Is there any news? Bagel guy. Who's the bagel? Can you imagine?

That's a crazy part is there's a lot of really angry people hold up in their houses right now. Okay, I'll still know, Vembr. It's he's not. Yeah, there's a lot of really angry people that are by themselves right now. And you're seeing that a lot on. How about would what would you be like

if you were alone completely right now. You know it's so funny. Have you talked on the phone to someone who's single and been by themselves a couple times and they just they're like anyway, how's how's it? Oh my god. And they just start ramming you. You just saw me. You just saw me on the phone with one one you got here.

Yeah. And that's a friend's parent who I was asked to call about something and then it just kept going and kept going and kept going and I was trying to be like Yeah, yeah, okay, I mean it just wouldn't end. It's I wish there was there should be a way There should be I wish there was a way people could connect like on phones as opposed to Through Twitter because I think Twitter ends up with a lot of hate I told you I've been on Twitter more than I have ever been and they're going well. It's not man I'm I think I'm doing I did a moratorium no Twitter the other day and I started feeling better about myself

Good, you know what the fucked up thing is like especially when you have a special come out right and you go All right, I'm not gonna look and you go all right. I'm gonna look and then The weird thing is you can even have an unsettling feeling, seeing nothing but positive things. So in your mind, you go, it's because you're reading negative things, but you can read 30 minutes of all positive things and you still feel, I don't know, kind of off, right?

Well, I feel, there's on Instagram, there's like a little heart thing And you can go see how many people have mentioned you in their stories what I put up my Instagram came when my special came out I would look at that and it would be I Mean like yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'd be like oh my god, and then all of a sudden I I'd be like, oh my god. And then all of a sudden, I felt like someone had bought them. Like it didn't feel real.

And I'd retweet them and then I'd feel ugly retweeting them going, like, what am I? I'm just like, I'm rewarding people talking nice about me. That's only gonna be get people talking shitty about me going, fuck that guy. There's a weird fucking thing about fuck that guy or fuck this thing. Where it's like, because,

remember we talked about this last week? And I was saying that I'm a hypocrite because of that dance show, by the way, Justin Martin Dale hit me up. He was like, you didn't need to apologize. Right? Yeah, he was like, he was like, do you didn't talk shit?

Like, I watched it. I was on the show. I didn't, like, it was very nice. Shout out to Justin Martin Dale. But like, but it is a weird thing that, because when shit rains down on you, you're like, fuck you, don't watch.

Fuck you, don't subscribe. Fuck you. Hey, man, I'm trying to do something good. And you get like, you don't need to watch this. And then all of a sudden, you find yourself shitting on things going like, it's so, like, infects you. Dude, we went to, we went to the country music awards or like it was like the big CMT festival in Nashville you went to this when I was on travel channel

Oh, no, I thought you went on your own. So like that fuck is wrong with you. I have no interest in country music I just found out Keith Urban is a country music guy. What do you think he was? I just thought it was like key sweat. Like I just thought it was a black dude. I really honestly saw Keith Urban and I just, because I've been so conditioned to hear the word urban is black, I just saw Keith Urban and went, oh yeah, okay. And then,

I said, I was in urban such a condescending term when you think, like, I always thought it was when we first started comedy. Like it's urban, like, I mean, like, wait, I live in the city too. What the fuck are you talking about? I just keep urban. I said something about Keith Sweat.

I don't know why Keith Sweat was in the news, but I said something about Keith Sweat, and then I misstapped and I said, Keith Urban, and Leigh Ann goes, Keith Urban's married to Nicole Kidman. And I went, she married a black dude,

and she was like, Keith Urban's white. And I went, Keith Urban's white, she goes, honey, he thinks country music. Are you serious?

And she goes, he's from Australia, and I go, he's from fucking Australia. thinks country music. I don't know what... Are you serious? And she goes, he's from Australia. And I go, he's from fucking Australia. There's a lot I don't know about music. What do you know about black? Do you know Clint Black? Yeah. Tom. What do you think he looks like?

I'm like, it's a white guy, I know that. Okay. Well, it's not that far off, so I have to tell you. I'm not far off, but Keith Urban is like planted in your subconscious. Yeah. So we go to this country music thing. I gotta find pictures of me and a cowboy hat

and cowboy boots and everything. Oh, they're definitely out there of me. I've spent a lot of time in cowboy boots and cowboy hats. Yeah, yeah, I dated a girl and she was like from that, you know, cut from a girl and she was like from that, you know, cut from that cloth and she was like, here's a hat. No. Yeah, yeah.

Like to socialize. I was waiting for my line. I don't know, I don't think so. I don't think so, but I have them somewhere. So it's ridiculous. So we go to this country music thing. The things we do to get laid. I mean, those are photos.

These are all photos. Yeah, I do have them somewhere. The um that's a good looking picture. Oh that's not you that's the the guy that looks like you. No that's me like they put my face on to somebody it's a photoshop. So um we go to this country music thing and uh one of the biggest like Aldean or like one of the biggest acts I don't Like what's the biggest country music act like one of the that guy is on stage I forget his name, but he's on stage Carth Brooks. No, no, no. It's not worth books

It's it's I mean the Zach Brown band had just been on and I was like kind of okay with them But I was I was like it's not my style of music. I find country music to be a tabbed at condescending a little bit. Like, it's just like, it's almost like branding. It's not, a lot of it for me is just, I gotta pick up truck, and everyone's like, I got one of those. And then they're like, I got it. I would think that you would be excited about that kind of music

Well, no at the time this is what so as a comic and I'm sitting in the front row going writing a bit It's branding. It's like I'm watching people cheer and he's like I go down by the river and they're like we had a river Right by granny's house and like yeah, that's where I think you can like he's drawing a picture that they're all and I'm sitting in front whoever this big country Western story Willie Nelson nope, and I'm Arms folded and I'm in the front row and I start to get a snob view of life like going This sucks this fucking sucks And I go how many of these people would love to be standing where I'm standing? I could give two fucking shits and I was like this is so stupid. I can't even enjoy this

Tim McGraw I enjoy this Tim McGraw. I think it was Tim McGraw. It was like the biggest country. He was the headliner, right? Yeah, and we're in a stadium and I'm in the front fucking row and I have security around me and I am I can because Travel tell you brother travel channel Yeah, and I can see sweat on him and he's singing to us and I'm literally sitting arms full to go this sucks But that's so look at how stupid they are for liking it sing into us and I'm literally sitting arms full to go this sucks. Fuck this. Fuck this. Look at how stupid they are for liking it. I don't like it and I'm up front.

That makes me smarter and then I went, oh my God, I have this realization going. There's a fucking stadium full of people that are liking this. Clearly this is good. Clearly I am wrong and I'm not allowing myself an opportunity to be in a great space and see someone who is fucking doing it right. And I went, I'm like a hipster and fucking Brooklyn. I am like the fucking troll online who shits on me and I go, oh my god, there is a pure joy in disliking something everyone likes. There's a pure joy in going, I'm right there wrong. And I looked at my sound guy, John Sales, and I was like, I was like, do you like this? He's like,

what's not my type of music? But it's pretty cool, man. We're right up front. And I was like, why am I not seeing the world like that? And then I started looking around and my cameraman are like, this is great, right? And then I was like, you know what? Fuck this. Grabbed a beer because I wasn't even, I wasn't drinking at the time. I grabbed a beer. And I was like, I was like, this is fucking awesome. And I just learned to like it. Like go, I'm gonna be in the moment.

I'm gonna try to enjoy it with everyone else. But there is a real satisfaction or joy or pleasure in disliking someone, everyone likes. I think that's what it's like. Dave Matthews. I mean, and also that exists even, I think that exists in everyone's life. That whole thing of like, you know,

something becomes, you gotta watch this TV show, you gotta hear this song, you gotta read this book and people are like, I'm good. And I'm guilty of that for sure. And then sometimes what happens is you, you know, it's an interesting thing that happens where you'll go, all right, I guess I'll check this out. And a lot of times a thing that was a huge hit,

you're like, oh, it's pretty fun, good. But sometimes it doesn't actually resonate with you. In which case, I think it's fine, I mean, it's fine to hate on something if that's what you wanna do. Yeah. There is that thing where it becomes like this addictive feeling, right? You don't want that to define your personality. Not at all. You don't wanna be like the person that goes to dinner is that thing where it becomes like this addictive feeling, right?

You don't want that to define your personality. Not at all. You don't want to be like the person that goes to dinner and they're like, hey, did you try her bread? And you're like, fuck her bread. Fuck her bread, am I right, guys? The worst ones are the one that the people like, I have a cousin I feel like is like that

with restaurants and food. So you're like, check out this amazing Italian restaurant. He's like, he's like pretty good, but have you been to, and you're like, can you just enjoy this? You know, I took him to like this, like the, I think the best sushi place, right? And I was like, I didn't go with him.

I told him about it. Then he goes, I went there and I was like, and this guy gets up at two in the morning. Go, he's Japanese guy every morning in the fish market. He's had to place a hole in the wall, place in the valley for like 27 years. It's amazing. It's amazing. He was like, it's pretty good. I was like, it's pretty good. He was, well, I have a place in Burt. What is that? Why?

I don't know. But it's kind of like the same application of that, you know, he's gotta be like, he's gotta say that was okay. I'll refer you to somewhere else. That's better. And then I go out of my way to shit on whatever he recommends. I'm like, you just, I'm like, you just have an unsophisticated palette, so you don't like,

but things is what we call them. Thumb tongues. Yeah, we have one of those in our life We're all you take me somewhere good. I'll be like it kind of sucked See but then they in fact you where you go all right, I'm pushing back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I used to I used to I feel the way you talked about that music about like Bruce Springsteen I love Bruce Springsteen. I wish he was dead. I I Have you seen what's a Nadav pull up the movie a Bruce Springsteen right time in Bruce Springsteen Indian guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah You know what I'm talking about I know exactly. Dude. It is so fucking good

Blinded by the light This dude I I I DMed him. And, or, and said, dude, your movie is fucking awesome. It's such a great fucking movie about it. I wanna make clear, I don't wish he was dead, but I don't understand. You don't like Bruce Springsteen? Not even a little bit.

For real? I don't get it. It doesn't do anything for me. I try to be the guy that you just, I have tried to have that epiphany you had where, I mean, I don't get like upset with, but like when I see the devotion and like, people are like, have you seen this footage

of them in the East Street band at this kind of, I'm like, send it to me and I'll watch it and I'm like, okay. Right. So anyway, I am now a huge Bruce Springsteen fan because I watch this movie, right? Yeah. But I went to a Bruce Springsteen fan because I watch this movie, right? Yeah, but I went to a Bruce Springsteen concert at this at the right by the Colosseum I don't think was that the Colosseum, but it was right by the Colosseum and

I hated it. Well look I hated it. It was such a bad concert and I'm a big, and I ended up arms crossed. Yeah. Going like it's long as fuck, first of all, I have two and a half hour concert. Here's the thing, I would never go and I've zero, I don't send me links, I don't wanna see any more footage. I don't even wanna get any more songs. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Here's what I'm saying though. Okay. I've gotten to the point where I actually feel like, you know what, there are things that like, some people just love and that are not for me. And I'm fine with that. I'm at the point where I go, not everything is for me.

So that's fine that other people enjoy it. That's right. You're right. You're right about that. Not everything is for me. I just fell in love with Elvis Costello. Okay. I'd never listen to anything Elvis Costello ever

in my entire life. I didn't like him because of his glasses. Of course. I saw the glasses and I was like, Who wouldn't want to beat the shit out of the guy? That guy. He wreaks of everything I hate in art. Yeah.

And I was like, fuck him. You fucking pring with your stupid glasses. I get it, you're branded. You wear the glasses, that's your thing. And then- Look at those big ass stupid glasses. I get it, you're branded. You wear the glasses, that's your thing. And then- Look at those big ass hole glasses. And then, and this is not how I'm certain, they wanted him to be sold to a person,

but they had said top five performances on SNL. Top five performers banned from SNL. And the Elvis Costello is number one. He's banned? Yeah. Because he went on, Lauren Michaels told him what song it was saying. And he was like, you don't tell me what song it's saying. I'll tell you what I'll say, whatever the fuck I want to sing.

Like I'm not gonna, and they're like, we want you to do this song. Hold on, I'll remember this. Lesson zero. Lesson zero is all about British parliament or something, or like British laws. And he was like, that's stupid. Why am I saying that in the United States? Like, how does nothing political to do with the US? I should sing radio. And he was like, well, we can't sing radio. That's about how everything

set up from advertisers and we don't want to fuck with our advertisers. He's like, okay. So he's like, he's like, can you play it? It's actually pretty cool. Oh, you can't? Oh, yeah, I guess we can't. Yeah. But what happened? He starts playing the song, Lauren Michael starts and he goes, stop, stop, stop! One, two, three, and he plays radio. I got chillbums watching it, and I was like, I fucking like this guy. He stops it. He stops it in the middle of thing. You know that I was actually watching, I don't watch SNL,

but I happened to be watching live when the Simpson girl walked off. Do you remember what that performance? No. Jessica Simpson's sister. Oh, yeah, I just like, I like the voice of Bart Simpson. No, the voice of Bart Simpson did not walk off. If you had not said Jessica Simpson,

I would have heard this totally fucking different for the entire... Calabunga! That's what you thought happened. When you said, and then the voice over, and I'm like, she didn't even do the real voice on there, thata, that's what you thought happened. When you said, and then the voiceover, and I'm like, she didn't even do the real voice on there, that's all she's known for. And she didn't even Nancy, I know what's her name.

Throw your hands on. What's up? Well, we have another treat. We have a treat. Oh, fuck. So, are... Nancy, are you all right? Is he here?

No, she's not here, but don't you have, here we go. Oh, fuck, are uh... Nancy, are you alright? Is he here? No, she's not here, but um, don't you have, uh, here we go. Oh, fuck, what's this? A-Auto, tune in, man. Ah, I got one. I've found you. Oh, you're everything that I see. These are good. I'm loving, oh, shout out, and let me

Just hold on, we're going home Just hold on, we're going home Just hold on, we're going I can't get just for you We're going home, you left your job for me. We're going to go out right. You nothing like the song. I want to hear the original one. I know.

You need to hear it. I'm on your way. By the way, we can't release these because he wrote the lyrics, huh? I mean, release where? I would, did you see Chelsea Pready put out a coffee song? No. Yeah, Chelsea Pready is going viral. But pretty put out a coffee song? No, yeah Chelsea pretty is going viral police she put out a coffee song. No offense Chelsea pretty

But it's not like the greatest song I've ever heard. Yeah, it's just like a I want coffee I want coffee and it's like fucking going everywhere really. Oh, yeah. Yeah type in call Chelsea pretty coffee S.Y.S Coffee coffee and then S.Y.S What's S.Y.S. Hmm. Coffee. Coffee, and then S.Y.S. What's S.Y.S.? I cis. There we go.

Hit this. This is like huge. This is huge. I'm sure we can pull it through my cis. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Here we go. This is...

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, cranking through my cis. Got coffee, cranking through my cis. Got coffee, cranking through my cis. Got coffee, cranking through my cis. Can't, coffee, cranking through my six got coffee cranking through my six got coffee cranking through my six K and coffee cranking through my six Okay, she just so she's selling album with that yeah good for her. Yeah, I know but play my jam The Drake wrote It's but it's my artistic thumbprint on it. And who produced it? Because who did that?

Was that Grass Kingdom too? Grass Kingdom. Was it? Was it just team up? Was it enough? No. You did it. Uh, scuba.

Yeah. A lot of talent. A lot of talent. Yeah. A lot of talent has multiple producers on their albums. That's true. I got scuba boobah. I got grassroots.

You remind me of when Nas Elmatic came out in Primo and Pete Rock and Lord Phinesis, they all worked with them. Yep. People heard you sing and they're like, yeah, I wanna get on this, do Zalim. So here's what I need, this is super simple. And by the way, we will do this next episode. All I need is some poets out there

to write me some lyrics. I will improv them and make them brilliant. Jesus. And then scuba and make them brilliant. Jesus. And then scuba booba and grass roots. Grass kingdom. Grass kingdom will produce them. We got hits. We got hits.

All the money goes to charity. We release it on iTunes and these will be viral fucking hits. These will be to the point where I guarantee you, I get a shout out from Drake. Why would he shout yeah? Drake's gonna go, I guarantee you, I get a shout out from Drake. Why would he shout, yeah? Drake's gonna go, I can't believe I started all this. Drake's gonna be like, do this is good stuff. How do I get scuba booba and grassroots

in the studio with me to flip my shit? And then these poets will be out there and then they'll be like, that's not even enough. He's like, this guy, Bert, just fuels the things and just rhymes them. And just, I structure them Here's what I think what I think your idea that you just said I want to do this to your idea Dude, let's try it guys. We need one poet out there

Do we have a poet lyricist? L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L- Yeah. Or maybe we take a not such a big hit song. That's probably a good place to start, and we just flip it. We just like a boring song. Tickles off. Not a hit. You think you could do something? Maybe you could make a Bruce Springing song

interesting to me. Bam. Give me a obscure Bruce Springstream song. Springfring. By the way, some fucking asshole goes, and by the way, don't think I didn't know you were trolling me, okay? I do Dr. Drew's podcast because everyone's like,

it's been super depressing. It's Dr. Drew sometimes just talks about facts. Either like, we would love some, not so many facts in there. So they have me on and this fucking gun goes, hey man, I've been drinking my whole adult life and now I stutter and don't say the right words when I talk. Is that because of alcohol? He, Bernie, noticed you do it also.

What did, uh, what was Drew's response? Drew's like, it has to be a great amount of deal of alcohol and I was like, okay, next question. How much do you think you're gonna drink on Friday? Uh, just a couple drinks. I'm not. I'm not into booze right now. Yeah, I know. The Leanne was fucking wasted last night. She was. Did you guys fight today?

Her and Ila always fight. What do they fight about? Everything waking up, Ila sets an alarm. And it's Alexa. So it's the Alexa's alarm is do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do They look the same. And then Georgia teams up with Leanne and goes, I've been hearing the alarm for 30 minutes. And I was like, Georgia, stay out of this. And then I jump in and I'm like, guys, hold on. And then, because I can't wake up,

alarms don't wake me up. So I have to set like nine alarms all over the house. Really? I've never once set an alarm and been like, that'll do it. I've never once been like, what do you do for flies? You set like seven alarms?

I set alarms and it's usually like, if you look, this is a perfect example. I showed this to Isla this morning. If you look at my alarms, look at how I structure it. Five, five, 10. Oh my God. These are, and by the way,

do they go off at the same time? Look at this Tom. It's in five minute increments. These are different flights I've taken. So it's like four, look at this. I mean, it's, what about when there's two at the same time? Do two go off at the same time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've taken. So it's like four, look at this. I mean, it's... What about when there's two at the same time? Do two go off?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll go off what I do is it. So like, so say this morning, not this morning, yesterday I got to get up for 6am radio, right? So I set a five, I set two 530 alarms. So it goes off. So I'll set snooze for one, but another one will go off and I'll set snooze for the next one. And then 535 will go off and I'll sit snooze for that. And the end wake up and this all goes going. 540 goes off, I hit snooze for that. And now at one point, they are just going off non-fucking-stop. Is she not yelling at you for that?

She's just learned to live with it, because it pays the bills. So, but no one's, I was not paying any bills. So it's, I had to say to Isla, you got to settle arms everywhere. So today, we just set up her room with literally alarms in every corner so she got getting it. Let me see so you pull up your alarms again. I want to see what your sounds that you like are you have radar radar is aggressive that is not a fun alarm I mean is that what I wake up to yeah that I mean. Is that what I wake up to? Yeah, that's sure. Yeah, that's what I wake up to. Is it? Are they all that? That's it. They all are that one. That's the loudest one.

Unless you can find a louder one. Yeah, there's there's louder ones. Give me a louder one. I've we've had an argue amount. Tell me what you like. No, never. I'm gonna sleep to that. This sounds like go back to bed. Nope. Nope. I don't like that. I just have dream about robots. That's too sweet. Let's see. Hold on. No No, I'm not a princess. I'm not it's not 90 maybe a red to the nerds Nope Nope How does this wake anyone up? Okay? Nope, that's that's super annoying. Nope, that's not loud enough.

Really? Go to the original one. Oh, no. Yeah. Nah, that's like a sweet alarm. How about this? Nope. Now?

How about? Now? This is a bird alarm. No This is a bird alarm That's like a fucking party started Sounds like I'm in a baseball game. All ladies and gentlemen. I'll just have dreams about baseball Who does that wake up? Now I guess maybe you're right. Yeah, that's fucking annoying. Super annoying.

Yeah, should I? Should I be happy? We should create sound bites and then sell them in the, not sell them, we'll just give them away in the ring section of alarms. Yeah. Ready? Yeah, okay.

Let's do our own, hey guys, it's two bears one caves. Wake up. Get up. You fucking loser. You have herpes. You have herpes. Oh, that's what you want the alarm for. Yeah, yeah, you have herpes.

Wake up, you fucking Jew. Gah. Some people like that'll actually get me out of bed. Yeah, get me out of bed. Hey, a dirty Italian. Get out of bed. Yeah, get me out of bed. Hey, a dirty Italian. Get out of bed and make some pasta. Hey, wake up, you fucking whop. Hey, mama says it's time to make a meatballs.

Oh, hey, ho. Let's get a cell. I think those would sell well. I had an improv that we were doing on the boss one. Levante a t-beener. Levantate, a beener. Levantate. And we cannot cast you at another commercial. You are red.

Wow, oh yeah. Do one for white people. Okay. This economy is on your shoulders. Get up, please! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha By the way, I would pay probably a hundred thousand dollars to find this tape right now. I used to do motivational speeches to myself in the morning when I was in sixth and seventh grade. By the way, if I could find these tapes, Tom, they would be such gold. You would videotape yourself.

I would, it wasn't videotape, it was audio tape tape and it was taped off my recorder on like my stereo thing and I would be like Come on, Bert. You got this man. Get up buddy. Come on. We did this last night. We know we're not gonna feel good Like I would talk to myself. Come on. Okay. I'm gonna play one song and then after this song you're getting up This song better pump you play that I play a song and I'm like all right now get out of bed And I'd be like okay, I'm like okay, man You play your voice to you. I would play my voice to me giving myself a pep talk about the day I would give a hundred thousand dollars what goes on in your head. I man. I was the weirdest child I would do those.

Did you frustrate your parents to no end? Oh, I did a podcast with this woman, Dr. V, right? Yeah. And I talked about, we talked about drawing wrong people into your life, because as you know, I've had an innate ability of drawing a lot of very toxic people into my life. What was that? It's a burp.

It's fucking red blood. I love red blood so much. I haven't drank it in like 10 years and I love it more than anything. I love it so much. I had quick drinking because my blood pressure was through the roof. But right now my blood pressure is so low I get lightheaded. I'm trying to get it up a little bit. So I said to this lady, Dr. Rue is a great fucking podcast,

by the way, if you're looking for a guest, she was awesome. She was a therapist. She did like, she does stuff on Bravo. She's like, who is it? Dr. V, Dr. V. Oh, okay, okay. And so I did, I said, I'm bringing these toxic people into my life.

Why am I bringing toxic people into my life? She's beautiful. And so she said, you had her on your podcast? Yeah, it was a Zoom recording. Okay. And we just did therapy. I was supposed to interview her about her stuff

and I just did therapy with her. And then I'm gonna really say, it's a pretty good podcast. So then she said, well, what was it? Did your parents make you feel like you were worth something? And I said, well, my mom did. She said, what about your dad? And I said, I don't think my dad really got my personality. She went really. And I said, yeah, she goes, give me an example. When I was in first grade, I played for the Yankees.

I was playing second base. And like, I was obsessed with baseball. Bases were loaded. I'm sure I've told you this story. Bases were loaded. Flyball has hit to me. Yes. I caught it. I ripped my shirt off. I spiked the ball. Yes. I ripped my shirt off and I started dancing. Yeah. All the bases cleared. They tagged up.

They all scored. We lost the game. But the place went nuts. I mean, the fucking, like, both sides were cheering and going crazy. My side was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. And their side just won the game. Yeah.

And she said, what was your dad's reaction? And I said, I don't remember really. I remember my mom thought it was funny. I remember getting done and people were like coming up to me. And I just, I swear to God, my feeling was, give the people what they want. Like that's what they wanted. And I felt celebrated.

Like people were like, that was fucking amazing. And I was like, first grade, I was like, yeah, I know. I did, that's what I do. Yeah. And so she goes, well, we should call your dad. And I said, hey, dad, do you remember? And he goes, yes. I do. Yeah. And so she goes, well, we should call your dad. And I said, hey, dad, do you remember any goes, yes. I go, what was your reaction? Like, how did you feel?

And he goes, shocked. And to think that that was his child. Like that he looked at this human being that he created. And was just like, that I logically, I was, there was a part of me that was like, this is gonna sound horrible, but like Michael Jordan, that I logically, there was a part of me that was like, this is gonna sound horrible, but like Michael Jordan, where I was like inflated ego, I thought I was the greatest.

Like I believed all these things about myself. I was so from this incident, in first grade, and my dad had to shake that out of me, like very aggressively be like, you're not great, shut the fuck up, you're not you're not great shut the fuck up you're just a regular person I would say things that were so big I remember one time I remember one time saying to him that I had won the 60-yard dash or 40-yard dash in first grade, and that was the fastest-getting first grade.

And I'm pretty sure I'm the fastest-kid in middle and grade school right now. And he was like, you're not. You're first grade. And I said, I don't know. Coach said that I beat Tony Price by a good amount. And he was like, do we go out front? And I was like, what? You want to race me? me? I was like well, yeah, I'll beat you He's like you're not gonna beat me. I was like I definitely will and he goes let's go out front

So I go out front. I stretch I get up in the starting box. I like like Set there to run. He's like you call it name it three two one go And I went three two one and I remember even giving myself a little bit of a head start, go, and I take off, and I'm sprinting. I mean, chin to my chest as hard as you can. And I hear him laughing, and I look up, and he's running backwards in front of me, and he goes, you'll never beat me at anything.

He did that so much to just shake. I had this unwielding confidence in myself, which I wish I still had. I don't have it anymore. I remember one time we played tennis and he goes, he goes, he's like, man, you're really hitting the ball today. Like he would set me up to fail. He go, you're really hitting the ball today.

I go, yeah, I'm really catching it. And he goes, we should play for something. And I was like, yeah. And now by the way, I'm playing better than I've ever played. Yeah. And he goes, he's like, what do you want to play for? And I was like, a puppy And by the way, I'm playing better than I've ever played. Yeah. And he goes, he's like, what do you want to play for? And I was like, a puppy. I wanted a puppy so bad. And he was like, so if you win, we'll just go right now

and just go get a puppy at the pet store. And I was like, yeah. He's like, whatever puppy you want. And I said, yeah, and he goes, all right, let's play. And he hit like a grown man and beat the fuck out of me. And I started getting really upset. The really frustrated, he goes, buddy, calm down. And I said, no,, I was doing good and he goes, oh, I was letting you do good. He was like, I'm not getting a fucking puppy. And he just beat the shit out of me.

And I remember getting in the cargo and why would you make me think he goes, why wanted you to feel good about yourself? But you think I was gonna fucking pick up a puppy? I'm not getting a dog. And he's like, I had to beat you. I've been doing something similar. Wait, no, with, so Alice was like, I had to beat you. I've been doing something similar. Uh, wait. No, so Ellis was like, he was wanting to race. So I was like, yeah, okay. So I let him, you know, he's four. I let him run and then he's like, oh, I win, I win.

I was like, yeah, and then I was like, all right, this time, I'll just, you know, turn it on. So I just like flew past him. I got to the finish line way ahead of him and then he got there and he's like, I win. I go, no, you didn't. And he's like, yeah, I go, no, because I got there first.

So you didn't win. And then you're my dad. I was like, that's not. You're my dad. It's not winning. And he was like, he's like like yeah, I go no no no You have to be first to win and you didn't win so then he was like Okay, and then he just ran in the other direction

So like the other end he was like now I want I was like all right so wait so wait so this is really fascinating so when you have boys This is gonna come off very horrible. Go for it. So having little girls, I never wanted to put them in their place. Mm-hmm. But having boys, I was always putting my place of like, you're not a man.

Like don't step to me like that. Like I'm always gonna be better than you because I'm also a man. But when you have little girls, you're like, God, you're fucking amazing. Like you always let them win, because they're girls. I let them win.

I let them win a lot, because you gotta let them win when they're that young. But I mean, I just wanted him to understand it. I was trying to get them to understand that. I never wanted him to understand it. Like, I just wanted to understand that you have to be first to say you won. I don't think he understood that.

He's like, I won, I'm like, none of those. You're not first. He didn't know the cause, they're the cause of them racing at all. No. He's just like, he's like to be like, I want him. I'm like, no, no. You're not first. You did another cause in the concept of racing at all. No. He's just like, he's just like to be like, he's like, I want him. No. You're second.

You're second. What was your dad like? Was your dad, was your dad? Because your dad, I think if your dad a very different way. Interesting. My dad would definitely let your little kid, like, you know, same thing I do,

like if we're playing a board game or something, you know, when they're that, you know, you're just kid, like, you know, same thing I do, like if we were playing a board game or something, you know, when they're that young, you're just like, yeah, you want, I mean, you just tell them they want, they get so happy that they want, but there's a certain age. You want until you're in a fox hole and non, your buddy's crying, does it feel hurt?

I think my dad kind of was like really easy on me until he also wasn't like, he didn't let me quit at anything. So like if I was like, I don't wanna go to this thing in a way, he's like, well, you're on the team now. So you're definitely going. There was no quitting.

Yeah, you can't quit. You know, the thing is like with weightlifting, so he was like competitive, right? And he was, he won a couple title, state titles. You're dead. I forget your dad was a competitive bottom weightlifter. When he got me a set of like junior weights, I remember I was like, he was like, you're not doing that right, it was like a power clean or something.

And I was like, what should I do? And his version of coaching was watch me. So then he just did it. And I was like, okay, he's like, just do that. And then I'm like, all right, I mean, that's not really coaching. So I would do it again. He was like, now, and then he just like, walk away. Real?

Yeah, he was like, just keep doing it, but. So wait, who do you think you would have been if you had been uncut, meaning, meaning, like, if the pure version of Tom that came out of Peru, like the, kind of Peru. Like, you know what I mean? I watched Operation of Destro last night. But like the uncut version of Tom,

had you been left to fester in your own confidence, your own ego, your own brain, without the effect of your father? Like, if my, I would be absolutely unbearable without my dad's. You're almost there. I'm almost there, but imagine if you didn't have my dad going like When I was thinking question when I was 26 my dad gave me which I've said over and over

I won't go into detail but the most aggressive Break off speech you could ever give a young man like a you're a loser you're a piece of shit I fucked up. I didn't raise you right. You have no humility You're a piece of shit. I fucked up. I didn't raise you right. You have no humility. You're a party boy. Good luck.

I'll see you whenever you need money again. And I was like, that's not what I'm looking. I thought it was my birthday. I was like, I thought you're gonna wish me a happy birthday. He was like, he's like, oh, for that was your birthday. He didn't even know it was my birthday. You're like, happy birthday. I was like, it's my birthday and he goes,

and then he was like, no, if you wanna fix this, I remember at one point, this is like the most point of things ever said to me He's like if you want to fix this you'll do this to get in the comedy you'll do this tonight And I said well, I can't do it tonight. I have a party plan. He goes you don't deserve a party What are you celebrating you're a loser? Why would you get a party? You're a loser by the way I think more men need that in their lives. I think you're right. My dad's speech to me was so painful. I remember waking up going, November 3rd, I wish I could remember the exact year, but

November 3rd, I was turning 26. The phone rang, I was hungover from partying and we didn't have blinds in our apartment. I was like, I'll just answer it, let him say, happy birthday real quick, go back to bed. And I just picked up and was like, hello, and he was like, I just perjured myself in court. And I was like, what? And he goes, I perjured myself in court. The judge said, how's your son doing?

And I said, good, I lied under oath. That's how it started. And I went, okay. And he was like, I lied and I've never lied in court and I just perjured myself. I can't believe you're a, I should have said he's a loser, your honor. I should have said the truth. He's a loser and he's not doing anything. He was a party boy and I don't know what's going to happen with him.

Where were you when you got when you had this call? I was on the couch, but in what city? In New York. I had moved to New York to do stand-up. I've been written up in Rolling Stone as number one party and I'm on the country. I moved to New York and I wasn't doing fucking anything. I did job at Barnes & Noble. I think I got inspired from already. I just was living on a couch hanging out at comedy clubs, not doing anything. And it was all because whatever part of me and I I acknowledge this, whatever part of me believed in greatness, I was great wouldn't allow myself to

To take a step backwards and go can you give me an opportunity? Yeah, like I was I was just like not only losers go like Hey, man, how can I get a job here? How can I like I was just like in comedy clubs? Not a job. I got jobs before but like and my dad was like you're a loser I I'd use there's no humility, it was just the most aggressive. I remember when you told me this, you told me this in the car on the way to Sacramento, like 15 years ago. Oh, I was like,

oh, dude, it was, but, and my dad, my dad, I mean, it's just a rut. I was like, what? And you told me this, you told me on the way back. Yeah. I remember thinking to myself at the moment,

it hurt so bad I thought, I'm gonna do what he says and show him that he's a fucking idiot and I'll bring it and put it on a plate and go, you said do this, I did this and it didn't fucking work. In order to be great, you've gotta have a big ego and not and you gotta believe in yourself. All these things that I just, you read in a book or you see on a fucking e-true Hollywood story

and you're like, that's how greatness is achieved. And I went and I did what he did and it worked. It worked like in space. And to this day, I just keep following that path of, like, and I'm not the most humble person at all, but like, at all. But, but in business, I like getting into the comedy store. I was what, 40 fucking three,

until like be like, hat in hand, be like, it's one of the things I want in life. And I, by the way, my ego would coldly gotten the way of that, like I'd been on TV, I had specials. I was, I had money, I didn't need to work there, but I wanted something I wanted. And I just went back to that old thing. My dad set up a be humble, say what you want,

and tell him you'll do anything, tell him you're not above anything. But yeah, but it's, my point is, God the fucking bird interruptus. My point is, who would you have been on cut? Like your dad put a line, your dad cut you with a bunch of shit to make you to be a man, right? Yeah. I'm having a day job right now. Like what would you're dead cut you with a bunch of shit to make you a man, right?

Yeah. I'm having a day job right now. Yeah. Like what would you, what would you be if you had been left on an island? I would be in a loincloth with Nehymocasins, bragging, telling you stories about how great I was, having never done anything.

That's who I would have been if my dad hadn't fucked me up. Er, fix me up. And fuck me up. I don't know, man. I tend to think that I always think that if I hadn't fucked me up, er, fix me up. And fuck me up. I don't know, man. I tend to think that I always think that if I hadn't, you know, got married and had kids, like, I have that thought. I'm like, what would I be doing, you know, and I think I'd be a real fucking mess. So I think that without...

So do you think push had more of an exit like and more of an influence on you? No, not necessarily no I mean, I think a lot of it comes from Parenting for sure like from your parents, but I just mean that like your mom to me always seems like a supporter of you Like I love I love what Tommy is like your mom seems like a giggling factor the same personality issues Oh She's more combative with my dad. My dad thinks if I take a shit, it should be in the hall of fame.

Oh, for real? Yeah, yeah. So is it your mom that's more like? She's more combative. She's the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the opposite. My dad goes, you know, we were on vacation. There was a comedian performing at the theater.

I'm like, oh, yeah, who was it? He's like, I don't know, I don't watch any other comedians. You're the only comedian. I'm like, you can enjoy other comedians. And he's like, I don't want to. He's like, I feel like it's just loyal to you. Dad, it's not. And I'm like, dad, you can go watch other comedians.

He's like, I would never want to. You're the only comedian. I'm like, all right. So like, he's like that. Like, he's egging up. My dad's very different. My dad's very different. My dad's very different.

How is my mom? My mom's not like that, by the way. My mom the other day. So we started to watch, you know, I saw that all three of you had a joke that's throughout all your specials. I started to watch, I started that all three of you had a joke. That's throughout all your specials. I started to watch all of them. We watched all of them, my dad.

Tom specials fucking hilarious. That fucking guy, I don't know. Do you, when you guys do your podcast, do you, do you like lead it? And I was like, huh? He's like, now that's fucking funny. I, whatever his fucking thing is, I love it, man. The foot up on the mom, the thing,

it's fucking confident. You're like, oh cool, Ed. My mom loves Chris Lee. I think I really, my mom said, I think you kinda fantasized a little bit. I have to, everyone has to, right? I think she's like, my mom told me a long time ago, I remember bringing up Delia, she goes,

now I'm a fan of his. And this before, like I thought, any like my mom was following Chris Delia way before like fucking eight years ago, my mom was into Chris Delia. She get her some head shots. You know, I should get a fucking sign. I have a sign shot.

That's her first name? GG. Yeah, but GG, all my love for something. All my love. Winky face. She was, you know what it was, but GG, all my love for something. All my love. Winky face. She was, you know what it was, is Whitney's podcast. Whitney's show. Oh, show.

My mom loves Whitney. Love's Whitney. Like, if I cheated on my Liam with Whitney, my mom would be like, it's, you know, it's not a poor move. She had a great show. She had a great show. You never had a show. Wait.

Is your mom supportive the way my dad is about like she's like, bird, you know, you were so great. You're the best. Yeah. Oh, that's my long-haired poet. My mom has always been like my champion. My dad's always been like, I don't see that you don't see the cracks in this fucking system.

He's a mess. He's a fucking mess. Even when I say, like, when I'm consistently wrong with my dad, but not it's just to teach me how to be raised. Like, whatever thing you could, whatever idea I have, he points out that it's wrong. Like, like, Deon Sanders, right? I remember sitting down, I just wanted Gabby Reese about this the other day.

I remember sitting down with my dad, and Deon Sanders was on the cover of Sports Illustrated, straighted with prime time, right? Now, I I assumed because my dad wasn't a fan of me spiking a ball, ripping my shirt off and dancing that he wouldn't be a fan of Dion's. So I tried to slide in on like an adjacent line and I was like, I remember seeing, I remember we were outside on our patio, my dad was at that glass table and he was looking at it and I said I don't know dad if you asked me it's like Just shut up and play the game right and he was like you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about And I was like what he goes you're talking about a kid from Miami who was born with nothing

And now he has an opportunity to shine and they want to take it away from him And all he knows is that he can brand himself and make more money by doing this than half of these kids who Look shut the fuck up and I was like okay Probably I loved Dion. I was only saying that because I thought that's what my dad wanted here But he is from North Fort Myers. I just wanted to point that yeah now My my dad would be like I watched your special again last night I'm like cool. How many times is that now he goes I lost count You know you're just such a commanding voice up there and really just the way you just move especially again last night. I'm like, cool. How many times does that now? He goes, I lost count.

You know, you're just such a commanding voice up there. And really, the way you just move from one topic. I mean, he just like goes on and on like he's talking about fucking paintings. I think it would be amazing to have your dad do a review on my special. That would be hilarious. What do you think your dad would say

when my shirt comes off? He'd be like, I don't get it. Immediately. He would just be like, why is it still off? Like 10 minutes later. He would like, he would like, no, I think he would like you. If he allowed himself to enjoy somebody else. That's, no, but that's the same mentality we talk about about about like, uh, Springsteen and stuff.

Yeah, like allowing yourself, my dad, my dad likes you as a person. My dad, I think sees himself in you. Is more like, quiet, do the work, let the work speak for itself, and then go back and live a regular life, have a drink, have a cigar, be down in there. I don't have a sense of humor about like, one time a roommate came to, my dad came to visit and I was with a roommate and when my roommate was like, you know, my dad was doing, like, you know, when someone's dad comes,

it's a little more like shake hands. And my dad goes, you know, how's it going in my friend? My roommate goes, well, it's been, it's been a little taxing. I got to deal with this guy. As a joke, as a joke, yeah. And my dad was like, what?

And the kid was like, he's like, oh, I just got to put up a his shit all day, you know? And my dad goes, he's a great kid. And I was like, dad, he's joking. And he was like, what? And I go, I felt so bad for my, I was like, you did nothing wrong. He was like, the fuck is wrong?

And then I yelled at him. I was like, what is wrong with you? And he's like, great. Yeah, I was like, dad, you don't get that he's like, the fuck is wrong? And then I yelled at him. I was like, what is wrong with you? And he's like, great. Yeah, I was like, Ted, he's, you don't get that he's joking around. He doesn't have it. He doesn't see it within that regard. Nadav, type in,

Bert, Chrysir, Green, Flash. So I did this video. I did this video. No, go to my YouTube. What, where's, no, keep, go to my YouTube. Go to YouTube and type, Bert, Chrysir, no, go to my YouTube, where's, no, go to my YouTube, go to YouTube and type, per Christ your green flash. I don't know why it's pulling up these videos.

I did this video at RB Chalce, which you've been to. And, that's true, I have been there. Yeah, remember, I remember so long ago. I think so much of this. It's just, how far is that house from, like where your parents live? 20, 30 minutes. Oh, it is kind, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just,

it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just,

it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's, it's just, it's, it's just, No, I took it off because of travel channel fuck. I have this video. I had this video that I shot This is back when I was just being my personality being a stand-up and videos were like YouTube. It just started a little bit And you know there's a old theory of if when the sun hits the horizon There's a green flash. Okay, it's like a big thing in Florida that people say happen So I filmed a sunset and right when the sun gets to the edge of the horizon, it starts to disappear, I cut and I show myself in an American flag thong and it's just me grinding in that kitchen going, oh, you waiting for a green flash? Here's your green flash.

And then I turn around and you see my whole ass cheek, I go, the moon's coming up. My dad saw that. And he just goes, what the fuck is wrong with you? He goes, what? That's in our fucking beach house. He goes, why, how? He goes, why do you own a thong? And I was like, I don't know. He was like, whoop, you own a thong.

You brought a thong to the beach house. You put a thong on by yourself in our beach house. He's like, please tell me you were drunk. I was like, I was done sober. He was like, sober, you put this online. People are gonna see this. What the fuck is wrong with you? They're gonna see this and go,

that's the beach house I rented. And that was my fucking sense of humor. And my dad just does not get it. But I don't begrudge him for not getting my sense of humor entirely. I've been, I can hang out with your dad though a hundred percent You and my dad would get along extremely well. I have met him, but it's been a long time It was like Easter quick

Yeah, the last time you hung out with a museum and also the very first was at the very first podcast very first Burkess very for first cast someone just texted Easter just happened and they said This is very different than the first Easter I spent with you guys This is one of our buddies. We see all the time. Yeah, and I said really this is very different than the first D-stress bet with you guys. This is one of our buddies we see all the time. And I said, really, and he goes, yeah, Joey D has slipped your dad marijuana and you did a podcast about it. Yeah, I went, oh wow.

I remember being like, oh my, because I was thinking of my dad, my dad was pretty straight lace. Yeah. When he gave your dad an edible, I was like, my dad would fucking lose his mind. My dad started my dad eating marijuana. Yeah, your dad became like cool with it.

Now he eats marijuana every night. My mom baked pot cookies for my dad the other night. Really? They eat marijuana just about every night. But not a ton of good food. It's like you, it's like 10 milligrams. And he just kind of relaxes. He's overdone it.

He overdid it when we went played Pebble Beach. He ate too many marijuana cookies Because he's like my back's hurting. I'm not having no another 10 milligrams He had like 30 million 40 milligrams of marijuana and he was white knuckling it on the cliffs He was like I just I fucking can't and I was like are you fucking kidding me? You're playing Pebble Beach It's not cheap It was my treat to him. Yeah big get ready to kick off the tour and I was like why don't I fly my dad up Are you fucking kidding me? And you're playing Pebble Beach? It's not cheap. I bet it's not. It was my treat to him. Yeah.

But get ready to kick off the tour. And I was like, why don't I fly my dad up? We'll play Pebble Beach. We'll have it. We'll play Spyglass Pebble Beach. Played Spyglass had a great time. I hit an eagle. Play Pebble Beach.

And everything went fucking wrong. Give it to play with another group or no? Yeah, you play with another group. And they go, do you want caddies? By the way, I'm not that anyone listed as podcasts is ever playing Pebble Beach. It's so fucking ridiculously expensive. I mean, you know what I mean and they go, do you want caddies, by the way, I'm not that anyone listed as podcasts is ever playing Puppet Beach. It's so fucking ridiculous, expensive. I mean, it might be people.

No one, it's not done makes sense. Really? It does not make sense. How much does it cost? Like, I want to, I'll just tell you, because I think you can find out. I think it's six grand around. What?

Yep. Wow. Per person? Yep. I think, by the way, it's either 6 gram per round or 6 gram for the room But you can't get you can't play Pebble Beach unless you rent a room at Pebble Beach. Oh and stay there Yeah, so you have to stay there, but you can't stay there for one night You got to stay there for five night. You got to rent the room for like fucking three nights

It's so expensive that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that it is Something only old white men do right it is that is who's on that course It is Canadians and old white people and old white people from Canada and old white people from Canada And then me and my dad and I didn't fit in I was like the odd man out because I was younger than like it just It just didn't make sense. They go do you want a caddy and my dad's like Oh, we don't need a caddy and we should have gotten a caddy We definitely should have gotten a caddy because once you don't get a caddy They're almost like go fuck yourself

But if you get a caddy and then the other group got a caddy and then he wouldn't speak to us at times So he was like he was like whisper what club to use to the other people and you're like come on By the way that guy Come on. By the way, that guy, I can't tell this, but I ran into, I did San Jose, and I met... Look at it. And by the way, hold on, there are two caddies that listen to this at Pebble Beach

that came to my show in San Jose, they're a big fans of the podcast. Yeah. And they're like, you play Pebble Beach, who's the caddy? Because I talked about this once. They go, who's the caddy? And I told them, and they're like, the caddy that, what, that wouldn't talk They go, who's the caddy? And I told them and they're like,

the caddy that what, that wouldn't talk to you? He wouldn't talk to us and he was kind of like, he was an okay guy, but he was a little bit of a dick. Like on par, on the fourth hole, I was like, I think I can reach the green. And he was like, no, you can't. And I was like, well, you're not my caddy, so shut the fuck up.

And he was like, no one can reach the green. And he was like, bullshit, I played this on Tiger Woods golf the greens reach a bowl And he was like you can't reach the green and I was like I think I can and and I I hit one By the way if you when you have a caddy they're like they play by the rules I don't play by the fucking rules. I do whatever the fuck I want out there So I hit one it goes into the fucking ocean and I go I'm hit another one He's like you're taking a mug and I go or I'm just gonna hit until I reach the fucking green to prove you you're fucking wrong.

I'll hit, I'll spend $180 worth of balls to hit that fucking green. So I hit the next one and I got up in the sand, buy it, and I was like, it wasn't on the green. It was close fucking enough. But I told them about this and then they're like, oh my god, do we have gossip about that guy? They're at the bar after my show and I just fucking, they were just telling told them about this and then they're like oh my god Do we have got some about that guy? They're at my I worked the bar after my show and I just fucking they were just telling me stories about this guy And how he got fired and I was like shit. I got fired. Oh my god. Oh my god. I wish I could tell

For I'll tell you I'll tell you this much and by the way I haven't said any name so no one said so no one can not only did he I by the way not this is rumors But I just feel bad because I he got he did something and the the head of the Company went to go talk to him. Mm-hmm to say hey, man You can't do that on the course, okay? It's 2019 you can't be doing that on the course Mm-hmm and as they went up to talk to him, he was blowing rails of Coke off his dashboard.

And that's how they fired on. They were like, okay, now you're definitely fired. And then he's stood them, and he got back, he's still there. He's there. He's still there. Oh, I don't- He's gonna find out about this one.

I, yeah, whatever. I, how am I, I'm not responsible for it. You're not responsible for it. It was my birthday and I had a really nice birthday at home with my family, had a great time and you surprised me. I just wanted to say thank you for putting together this. You sent me individual videos and then you made a compilation.

It was really, really sweet. Thank you for making this. Thank you. For the people that don't know. I'm the key to the machine for his best friend's birthday, Tom Segura. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Oh, here we are.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. What's his name? Tom. Thank you, you happy birthday dear.

What's his name? Tom. But how long has it been since you've had your scrawm eating? Sigura. Happy birthday. I used to work with big cops, but not a cop like that. And that cop was just amazing. To you. Oh my god. The last girl, the last girl that, oh that's by the way that is Dana.

For a great day. Such a big fan. Right. Have a great day. She in Florida. I don't know but. I'm gonna find out. She in Florida. I don't know, but. I'm gonna find out where the bodies are at. There were so many, dude. This is the short version, everyone's videos.

I mean, there's so many, we're so funny. Well, it started as a, it was the sweetest thing to have all these adult performers do like genuine, happy birthday things, actually. I got a call amount. I said I was gonna call them out and I have all their direct messages to me. Okay.

But what was so great about this was I put it, I had an idea that I was going to have adult performers saying happy birthday and then cut it together like a Gal Gadot video. Yeah. And so I put it out that night. I put out a tweet saying, Yeah, I saw you said like anybody in a doll

and then what would happen when they say, I would uh, I'll show you exactly. I'll go to um I'll go to the one of the first ones was Did you have like a copy and paste message that you would you know, I mean or would you explain each one like I would explain this to Carol Baskins um The one of the first one That reached out was uh Brooklyn just a great note. That's not her. Kieran Newar. She's on there. Okay. And so she hit up and I said, I wanted to do a Gal Gadot style Imagine video, but seeing a happy birthday to my bestie, comedian Tom Sgrar. Are you interested? His birthday is tomorrow and she goes, that would be awesome.

I'd love to. So she said, just a video of of me singing happy birthday. I said, awesome. Thank you. Just record yourself singing happy birthday to Tom Scroo with whatever creative touches you want. In landscape mode, I'll edit together and we'll definitely be talking about our podcast. Sharing and tagging, I didn't tag anyone. I'm sorry. It's just too much work.

I got so many replies. I didn't think, I thought like I get six people. Yeah. So I could, you only need six to do happy birthday. And I got Kieran Newwar. I'll give them all shout Lisa and winner Jade a more a dragon Ryan McLean Natalie the queen destiny love Alex legend is the one at the end. I think Alex legend played guitar Is that the guy that started it? Yeah, he's the first one. He goes. This is for the machine. Yeah

Is that his real accent or is he putting on an accent for the video? I have no idea Google Alex legend and let's see him. Fuck. I wanted to see it Yeah, Alice self bookings you can book him by yourself sure Oh, there he is. That's what you wanted to see Nice piece There he is. That's what you wanted to see. What? Nice piece. Oh. Oh. Yes. Oh.

Oh. Let's hear him talk though. Oh. More you and less them. Is that. Is that him? Yeah, he's a good looking dude. By the way, he does a lot more.

Let me give you a shout out to Alex. He goes, I have a few other skills besides banging girls. I also write beats. Alex Legend, we're looking for a collab. Friends, birthday, Tom Segura. That's Ron Jeremy. Yeah, Ron Jeremy, yeah, Jesus. Here we go.

I'm gonna keep giving him shouts. Yeah. Crafty Cause, Abigail Mack, John Schneider, I think John Schneider is not, that's not a porn star, sorry. Abigail Rogers, Ryan Kona, Jamie Foster, Silva Sage, Lundin River is on their Tabitha Stevens, Joanne Angel, Carmen Valentine, Dana Deermond. I know Dana from, she used to be good friends with Red Band. Yeah, she had.

Big comedy fan. Katie Kennedy, Kate Kennedy. Kate Kennedy, by the way, I thought, isn't it crazy because I listened to that whole podcast you do with Kate Kennedy? I felt actually very weird, because she was like, should I be naked or something? And I was like, no.

Oh, right, because I feel like I know her. It's totally different. It's so weird. And by the way, I didn't tell any of the girls get naked. I just said do whatever you want. They'd be like, is anyone wearing tops? And I was like, it's not, I was like,

I wouldn't mind more of what fucking, fucking Adrian Chechik did. Holy fuck. Adrian, all right. Adrian, I don't know. Marissa, only, Marissa, only fans. Alluring Ali, Kiki, Diyadadir Adriana Chechik Ron Jeremy Ryan Kelly Matt Jones Matt Jones is no he's from Kentucky rate sports radio

Is that everybody no Sean Bigger staff Leah Sean Bigger staff, Leah, MV anniversary, Lydia Black, Dahlia D, and Whitney Morgan. Awesome. Those are all the porn and Trinity St. Clair and Laura Lapquist. Nice. It was an awesome video. Lauren Lapquist.

No, no, Lauren Lapquist is an actress. My dad, Lauren Lapquist has a new movie with David Spade coming out. But they was really cool to get all of them. So I sent it out. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Similar to a comic so like there are certain comics that are sober don't party just about the work Let's make some money and when you put out a thing like that It's like great. I'll get a video to you tonight. I'll be there in the morning You're like awesome then there the comics like me that are like drunk and they're high and they're like fuck Yeah, you want one done and then they wake up at noon the next day and they're like oh fuck forgot you still want the video Oh, you got those messages. Oh, I got a lot of those. And it was funny, they're all, but I woke up that morning and I said to Leanne,

I go, I forget the first video, but I go, oh my God, I was, I had this idea last night, I want to show you when I showed her the first video and she couldn't stop laughing. And I just started watching the videos, there were like five of them, and I started watching them, and she goes, just send that to Tom.

And I was like, well, no, I'm gonna edit them together. And she goes, oh no, honey, them singing Happy Birthday is so much funnier than you editing it together. So I sent you three and you're like, that's awesome. And then they just kept coming. Yeah. And they kept coming. And I just, I gotta be honest with you, man.

I was, I didn't know what some of them were gonna do. Yeah. Well, I thought too, because you sent me the first few, and they were just you know They were nice videos and they were they most of them were doing the like who is this you know like yeah? What's his name that first girl with the with the top top? I wish I remember her name. I don't know a lot of their names Oh, I know her name. Yeah

you're talking about in the in The first one that you sent me yeah, yeah, yeah, keep going up, keep going down. That girl's beautiful, by the way. And it's so funny, I thought she was in Florida. Didn't it seem like she's in Florida? Could be Florida, sure. Yeah.

What's great talking about? She was hilarious. She was great. Joanna, she did whip cream and then she goes, that's you. Is that who that is, Joanna Angel? Yeah, I don't know how I know, but yeah. This one was great. This one I was not expecting at all.

Cause it looked like. Happy birthday. Ah! That made me laugh. Smacking her heart. That's what made me laugh. You see the video heard just your ass cheek? Happy birthday dear Tom.

Happy birthday to you. It's interesting because I thought if I post one online, there's Norman Sumerton. No, I can't see that. It makes me a fat. Go back to a porn star. They have control of that. You're talking about the Instagram one? Is that he talking about?

No, no, no, no. All I know is that they What was that one? Oh, yeah, yeah, who's she that's Abigail Mac? That's Abigail Mac Yeah, yeah, that one made me laugh because she was like I couldn't tell if she was doing a bit or not She was doing a bit and then she goes big fan like that really she was doing a bit Yeah, I loved it man. It was really fun and it was really cool to play along. They were. So now we need to do that for porn stars.

So there is a porn, I was by the way, I kept saying adult film stars, I didn't know if porn stars are slur. Oh right. But if there is a porn star out there, by the way, Ron Jeremy has been cool as fuck. He was cool. He did like five videos. And by the way, how cool was it to see Evan Stone? Yeah.

My wife goes, who's he? And I go, that's Evan Stone. She was like, he's a porn star, I go, oh honey. Legend. I pulled up a fucking video of him fucking like in the early 90s. She was like, oh my god, I go look, he's just, he's just getting older.

Yeah. But he's a good looking dude and he was, and he used to come to our shows. Do you remember that? No. We used to do those shows for vivid video. Me, you, and there's a picture of me, you Evan Stone, and Nick Thun.

Oh my God, I remember doing a vivid video. I did, I did one in Melrose. And you did one in Irvine. And we, me, you, Nick Thun, and Evan Stone are shirtless in a picture. And that same day me and you took a picture where we were holding each other's bellies, like hands around your prom picture. Dude, Evan, and I showed my wife Evan Stone fucking and she did not stop.

She was like, oh my God, and I go, that's Evan Stone. He did like 2,000 movies or something. It's crazy man, I got a little star struck when Evan Stone replied. I was like, call up or- Isn't it gonna be crazy? Wouldn't it be crazy to have struck when Evan Stone replied. I was like, call up art. Isn't it be crazy? Wouldn't it be crazy to have like your Evan Stone now? And then some of you doesn't know, I'm like, what'd you do? For the last 30 years, you're just like, just fuck this shit out of people on camera.

Like a lot. A lot. Like how many times? Three or 4,000? There should be a movie. Like a movie where Like whatever evidence, but it would be cool to see Evan stone fuck now Like sure he does like but nobody to get himself out of trouble to get himself out of trouble like like like like

Like someone just thinks he's cuz he's getting older. They're like oh, he's he's you know like ages I'm not like I still put dick down. Yeah, like't think, I can't fuck this shit out of you woman. Like, I would like see Evan Stone start fucking, like, go through a sorority house and just fuck a bunch of young chicks and just fucking with a star. You could probably direct that movie if you wanted to. I could have paid for it too.

Yeah. My tour bus driver, Ron, wants me to do one with, with Christy Mack, I told you that. Yeah. And pay for it. Cool. How are you gonna do it? Just put that bill and you with with Christy Mack. I told you that. Yeah, and pay for it. Cool. Are you gonna do it? Put that bill and you can fuck Christy Mack and I'll film it and then I'll just own it myself. Well, you could start your own little only fans page, you know. Those only fan pages, hardly, shit. Yeah. Are you subscribing to some? I have subscribed to a few. Yeah. Really? It's brilliant. I gotta be done. I'll see you and I'll pin about I'll pin about all these yet ladies and men who have

Men obviously to I say that but I forget people jack off to men too, but These only fan pages are trustworthy what you do is you put your credit card on and you then It's almost like an Instagram you put your credit card on and you get credits So say you buy 60 credits And you then, it's almost like an Instagram. You put your credit card on and you get credits. So say you buy 60 credits, then you can a lot, 10 credits to one porn stars page. Okay. So you're not putting your credit card down and then they just charge it every month. You buy credits and then those credits go for what you call it.

And then you can tip out certain performers and go, hey, who are you? Who are you? I don't want to say because then I would feel like I would be disloyal to some of them. Why? Because I don't want to, I don't want people to go, wait, why don't you do mine? Fuck you. Like, I feel weird. I've always felt like that with, with, even with strippers, when, like, a stripper would be like, you get a dance, I was like, I got a letter down easy. I was like, I'm okay, you're really attractive, but I'm not getting a dance right now. She'd be like, I don't really give a fuck, fuck face. Yeah, I just want your money Yeah, I just want your money asshole. What's his what's her name?

I can definitely say me and Ron the way I found only fans was Christy Mac And she had a good one. Oh me and Rom were in a fucking barbecue joint And I was like I always want to go to these only fans. He's like do it do it. He's like you have money Fuck it do it. And so we bought you have money, fuck it, do it. And so what we bought a membership to Christie Max. We bought because he would borrow my phone for periods of time. Who's trying to think, oh my god, Lisa Trigger told me that she says it in her act that Adriana Cheshirek's only fans is outstanding. I am getting that right now. By the way, Adriana Tetchik, someone,

we've talked about her a number of times, but someone said to me, they're like, oh bro, if you're looking for a porn star, you've got to fucking check out Adriana Tetchik. And I was like, really? And they're like, she sucks Uber drivers' dicks. And I was like, Lisa told me that she gave me a play by play

and she definitely made it sound pretty incredible. Adriana, I spelled that for Adriana. That's not surprising. We gotta actually wrap up now. So, thank you guys for listening. Thank you for watching. A fish bowl Adriana Chuchik. There he is.

Here's her Adrianna fans only. Bert, thank you for the birthday gift. Well, you don't want to see this with me. Well, I just am trying to say goodbye. Alright, hey. Yeah. Happy birthday. I'm sorry.

Very much. It's all good. Thanks for doing that. Yeah. It was a fun podcast. Love you, love you guys. Thanks for watching. We'll see you. Stay safe, everybody.

I love you, Tommy. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swat the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call to bears one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur for to the gene dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies

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