2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 30 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

On this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss Michael Jordan and "The Last Dance" documentary, dipping, and seeing Nirvana in concert. Bert issues an apology to people struggling with addiction, and the two of them debate the greatest all-time college football teams. Who's in YOUR top five? Let us know in the comment section below!

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, I'm going to go to the metal and go to the metal There's a perfect way to start off this show 12 years in the making It's gonna be a fucking shit show I'm gonna try it every once in a while It's gonna be a hell of a hundred percent I'm a fucking shit show I fucked Lee in that So good last night Please tell me To be start

Yep, are you guys ready? Yeah, we're ready now. What happened? What'd you do? It was awesome. It was awesome. We did this thing where it's like imagine if you're both sitting in a chair, okay?

So imagine you're both sitting in a chair. So these are your legs, right? But then you do this or like this, this. That's how you had sex last time. Yeah, and it was and you could it was Awesome. It was awesome. Is she skinny now? She's always been skinny. She's always been attractive. Are we recording now? Good. So glad she's skinny now. And so So like her body looks awesome. Oh, it was fucking great. So you did like some sideways shit sideways side saddle Australia Do you ever record it? Do you record it? No, she would never fucking let some sideways shit. Sideways, side saddle, Australia, and the cold-court-in-shit.

Do you record it? No, she would never fucking let me record it. Do you know what you should do? I should go back in time and record it when we were both fucking hot. No, just fucking start mounting, like hiding cameras in the room. And then what you do is you pull the footage

and then one night when you're like, what do you feel like watching? You just pull it up, you know? You know so funny. You watch your cry. I took pictures. I would take pictures. I was back before you could, they would say,

hey, someone screen grabbed your FaceTime call. They, now they tell you. Yeah. I would take pictures of FaceTime calls when she was naked and then I just had them on my phone and the girls saw them. And they're like, why is mom naked? And I was, Lance, like, what the fuck?

The, um, dude, I had so many, back in the day, when we used to do those vivid video and like, it was like when I was married, but I didn't know I was married married, you know? Like I was like, oh, I can still go to the Playboy Mansion

and be around naked chicks and pictures. Yeah. Now, I'd still do it by the way, and but, um, I remember taking a picture picture with one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my entire life. Where at? They had a Playboy mansion in Malibu.

Oh, like another property. Another property it was a beach house and they were like, hey, it's like fucking three grand for the day. You just got to go and be funny on camera. And I was like, huh? And they're like, little johns there. It's just, like, they're just shooting videos. And so I just went up and all I had to do was drink.

I think Adam Hunter was there. Like, like that, that, maybe you know, when I say Adam and Adam Hunter, you know what comics were like, Bengley was there. Like, it was like hooked in through that scene and they were like, per you wanna do it. I'm like, fuck yeah.

Dude, the most beautiful, the most beautiful check to this, I mean, I would love to see what she looks like now because you know, it's not gonna be the same. But like, and she was like, hey, you wanna get a picture? And she was like, yeah. And she just top off just, ah! And that was in my eye cloud forever.

Like, it would come up and George and I would go, hey, it's Dad's girlfriend as a joke. Yeah. And then people would hear that and be like, oh, Dad's really got a girlfriend. So I realized why I pinpointed why I don't cheat on the end. Why?

On the car ride over. You just realized it today? On the car ride over, because yeah, because I've been like, I've never cheated on her. Yeah. And I've always been respectful of our relationship, which is not the case in any of my past relationships You've never been respectful of them. Uh-uh

I've cheated on fucking everybody How come? It's a care about them. Why do you think okay? So why do you what what did you pinpoint on your way over? Last week we were talking about commencement speeches, right? I was like and before the show I was like we should do talking about commencement speeches, right? I was like, before the show I was like, we should do something about commencement speeches. So I was like pinpointing like, what would I highlight to a college graduate on how to live your life? Like, if you're starting from this point, what are my key tenants, like the pillars that I hang my hat on, right?

Yeah. So, number one was humility. Like that, but that's not me my dad put that in me So I think it's good if you're like I'm the fucking best on the best comic. I know I'm the greatest. I know I'm dope I'm fucking awesome. You're not you're just not that's the truth If you have to say it out loud to yourself and to other people you're actually not usually we say it to you Right like a lot of people have said it to Bill Burr how often do you think Bill Burr is like man? I know I'm the greatest. I'm a yeah shuts down. Yeah, he goes a please don't say that. I'm not he becomes a dick

Yeah, he actually be good a little aggressive Praise like shut the fuck up. Go tell Rogan. He's the best. Hey sip down Chappelle and tell him how he's the goat So humility's number one, right the second one was was roll the dice. I love rolling the dice. I love the idea of like, fuck it. Let's get in the car, see what happens. I mean, my whole career has been like bad ideas turning out into good things, fashionaming.

I don't think either of us saw that going well. Now, yeah, right? Fucking, everything I've ever done with you, I don't think. Do you know how many times I've laid in bed going, I think I ruined my career like So rock tober. Do you remember the fucking do you remember when we got in the car to go to your house? And you're like, so are we gonna fucking do this like and I was like, I remember going I think I just ruined my career guys. I think no one can see me drink anymore and see it in a fun way

I Mean everything rolled a dice right and then last and this comes to why I don't, she'd only answer. Yeah. Be selfish. Be selfish. Be selfish. Like, be very selfish.

Like, only think about yourself and what makes you happy. That's my advice. That's my advice. Okay. Only think about yourself and what makes you happy. And if you do that Then you're gonna be happy and that's all the fucking matters that you die on your deathbed happy now for me

Selfishly what makes me happy is Leanne like I love her. So I don't cheat on her because I need that shit You know what I mean? Oh, I got you like okay. It's it's just as a weird It's like it's fun because what you said I see it now. It's so funny the way people need to connect the dots when you speak so like what you said was Be selfish and it's like that doesn't make sense But then once you go on the roller coaster at the end you're like but being selfish means making my wife happy It's not about making her happy making you happy making you happy, which is making you happy. And for you to be happy, she needs to be around

and in a good mood or just around. Just around. Just around. Like I wouldn't be around if you were cheating before don't cheat on her. Like the majority of people don't say the N word, not because they care about black people, they don't want to get beat up or fired, okay? That's selfish. You find selfish reasons to persevere. Now, I think that's true. I don't know, but that's

my theory. Hey, I can barely hear myself in there, Nadav. But like, that's the way if you live life selfishly, like going, hey man, I gotta think about myself first. Yeah. I'm on this bus. I'm not gonna start toting off my theories on Latino women and their hairstyles. Like, who the fuck in selfishly go on when I get my ass kicked?

I'm gonna fucking shut my fucking mouth. Yeah. And that's why I don't cheat on the my ass kicked. I'm gonna fucking shut my fucking mouth. Yeah, and that's why I don't she don't lay on the an I'm selfish Is this making any sense? It's made a lot of sense like think about what percentage of white people do you think Don't say the N word just simply because they're like I get a lot of trouble Probably 80% If you said if they said 80% If you said if you said if they said

Was this the bad way to start the show seven minutes in now. This is great. No, but I mean I think there's selfish No, I know what you're saying selfish is okay, okay, like look at I I'll tell you who fucking broke this broke the back for me, right? Remember we were talking about Isla before this. Yeah, and And I go goddamn it man her fucking brain fucks me up because She'll say things in like and you'll just go what so she's having a really hard time waking up like I mean like Like next level like it's like fucking three in the afternoon and she's still not awake. What? Dude this kid is

Initial wake up and then moved to the couch and fall asleep on a dog and it's like she just cannot wake up. But then she's up until like two in the fucking morning. Well, isn't that part of it? It is part of it, but her energy level at like 10 o'clock is through the fucking roof. So I show her this video of Jacco Wilnik. Uh huh. You know that guy?

Jacco Wilnik, yeah. Yeah, Jocco Wilnick. And Casey Neistat. It's a really great video. Can we play that without getting flagged? Okay. So, it's a really great video. It's on Casey's podcast or his vlog where they talk about life and how to live life. And Jocco says, get up.

I'm really paraphrasing, but I know the part that's important. Get up, make your pet. Get up, make your pet. All those military guys. All those military guys. Get up, make your bed. Once you've gotten out and made your bed, you've accomplished a task.

You have conquered a battlefield. One battlefield down, next battlefield to go. Get up, work out, go work out. Once you've worked out, you've accomplished another battlefield. Take that battlefield down there, you've got two goals, two victories in your day. So, once you start piling up victories, then when you get to places where it's a smaller victory,

like, you go in and there's a donut in the break room, and everyone's like, Jocco, you want a donut, I can go, no, no, no, I'm building up victories, I don't need a donut. And I'll just hit stop on the fucking thing He goes would you ever be friends with a guy who says no to a donut I'm like no it wouldn't and then she says to me why were we watching this and I said what do you mean? And she goes dead. This is stuff he Like, this isn't what we like.

Like, if you made a video, would you be like, get up and make your bed, I go, no. She goes, you don't make your bed. I go, no, I don't give a shit if my bed's made. She goes, so then why do you care if he does? She goes, this is shit, he likes. So then you start looking at it, you're like, Ojaco's telling you how to heal up his life.

Right. And if you wanna be a Navy SEAL, or you didn't make the SEALs, and you wanna emulate a emulate a seal do that But if you're a fucking half alcoholic stand-up comedian Why the fuck am I watching this and then I'm looking and I like going why am I showing it to you? You're the person who watched the usual suspects and goes gold watch gold watch gold watch the whole fucking movie and Solved it before the movie was over and I was go watch, go watch, go watch, the whole fucking movie and solved it before the movie was over. And I was like, so you go,

so it was like an epiphany of like selfishness, find out the shit that you like, and then just fill your shit with that stuff. Yes. Listen, to go back to like, those racist people, those racist people, which is like the ones that take care of teaky torches and stuff, they feel good when they're racist.

Yeah. So that's what they fucking do. So let them. No, no, no, no. Well, yeah, you're not gonna stop them. Right. Like it's like the same as people that cheat on their wife. They're gonna do it because that makes them feel good at the end of the day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Find the shit that makes you feel good. Just that. Listen. But could there be a commencement speech angle where you go if being racist makes you feel good? Do that. Mmm, that would be a tough sell. Okay, I can see, I can see, okay, now I understand what you're

pointing to my, in the flaw on my theory. I didn't understand the flaw on my theory. You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. Okay, this isn't the best command service me. Do whatever makes you feel good. So kids in there is Captain Young, I love raping bitches. I'm like my thing man, I'm so good at it. I haven't gotten tagged yet. I look, this guy's going to get some sense.

And then he gets arrested and he's like, I saw Bert Christensen's speech. Bert Christensen's sentence. And that's why my friend Firebomb the fucking, you know, a cathedral. Okay, this is whole horrible performance. It's really good. It works for me. It works for me. Actually, this is one of my. It's really good. It works for me. It's really good. It works for me. Actually, this is one of my favorite segments you've ever done. But Nova High was like obsessed with the fact that I just do shit.

Like, stand up and I know you'll grit this. Neither of us give a fuck about the money because we did it selfishly. It made us feel good to make people laugh before the money. To use a quote from you, 100%. You should have touched your nose. Someone said, someone said, 100%. 100%.

100%. That's exactly the truth, because you do stand, like if you want to get in the stand, you do stand up and you go, like, it doesn't matter where I live or what I end up having to deal with, you like that more than anything. Yeah, you just stay with it. Yeah, it's your look. If you had not found push in your life and you had found some other check,

who was like, that's stupid, that's stupid, should be in a fucking ditch. Right? Right? And that selfishness worked out for you. When I met Leanne, she said, you're a standup, that's cool. And then she supported it. Look, look, we know that Leanne's lived a very selfless life. Yeah.

She's fucking raised two kids by herself, raised three dogs by herself. But I've been there, I haven't been there at all. I barely showed up. That's amazing. You're talking about your wife. Three chickens, a cat. Fucking, you want to know something? She runs two kids by herself.

You want to know something crazy? Yeah. She said, for the way she said, you have never helped us move. And I went, we moved. I was like, oh, I've never been there. I've never once. But you know the things, we think that we talked about this a lot.

Like, she really, truly, fully accepts you. Yeah, I know. She really accepts you. Like, because whatever is broken in her that makes her feel good at the end of the day, for whatever- It lines up. It lines up. That's true.

It's selfish. If it didn't make her feel good, she fucking bounce. That's right. And if the second, and I hate to say this this way, but the second that... I believe it's called recreating the trauma. I'll take it. That's it, man.

Get in where you're fit in. That's true. That's true. That's true. If it didn't make her feel good, she fucking bounced. That's right. And if the second, and I hate to say this this way, but the second that... I obsessed with look I think if you take the Scam in I love it you can like I was dead set on this being a brilliant theory about selfishness and then till you're like

Yeah, what if you like what if you like pipe bombs? You're like well I love making and distributing anonymously pipe bombs By the way, I have and if they find their way into a mosque Interestingly I just like Muslim people so these all I know I Am a my favorite thing Building stuff last Muslims If I can selfishly and listen this kind of comments of speech. Selfishly, listen, I'm not asking for credit. I'm very humble. I'm very, very humble.

What is all these people, like horrible crimes have happening and they're like, and then he cited Bert Kreischer. It's like the new mine comp. All it takes is one guy to commit something absolutely horrible with a subtle sense of humor where he's like got a lot of these ideas from two bears one cave. Oh, mainly percricure. I would ruin my career. Oh, my God. Who made that?

My struggle blueprint for a better world for everyone like me. Those are my teeth. That's your mouth. Oh, yeah. But it just has a different facial hair. I didn't see the beard. The beard's kind of gone. Yeah. It was made by the hairy artist, the hairy artist. Oh by the way, the um oh I did a... Litzkrieg publishing. Would I do a live stream or something? It's really good. I did a live stream or something I

Forget what it was and it was always just racist comments do it from our fans Yeah, like and I was like I was like hey guys if my head was like hey Can you guys please tone these down to a ditch and they were like oh? Okay, and so then they just slowed it down and they're like he's kind of racist By the way, I have to I have to say this allowed one more time. I'm not racist, okay? Okay, Jesus fucking Christ like this is going to become a problem at some point You're not racist and I know that now all right. Let's pivot wait Maybe to comments because we're talking about things people say. So I know that they pulled some YouTube comments.

Let's see what they are. I know that, yeah, here we go. All right, so Dilling Hammerboy25 wrote, Tom is the psycho champ for suggesting to his friend to just cut off the finger instead of wrapping it up. Dude, I thought of that so much this, do you know why? Because I was watching NFL Networks and it was Ronnie Lot. And you remember Ronnie Lot?

Yeah, yeah, it was like, I'm gonna cut it off, put me back in. And I was like, I almost guarantee you can tether the two mentalities of Tom being just a little bit Ronnie Lot in the dormant like, fuck it, cut him off, get him back in the game. Yeah, yeah. Tom looks like this isn't the first time he's born black latex gloves if you know what I mean.

Oh, that was when we were eating our, um, that porcline. I just the best ever of you just going, I'm done. This shows over. Oh my God. I had to aggressively and who, who was like not bothered at all? Was it Potter that he was like, he was like, oh, this is what Pussy tastes like for me. Yeah. You guys have never eaten a porn star's asshole?

It tastes like the death rind. I bet like his standard for what tastes fucked up is way different than ours. I bet. We should do a blind taste test with Potter. Oh yeah. Savage. Right before I a blind taste test with Potter. Oh, yeah. Savage. Right before I fingered Leon last night, she goes,

she goes, real quick, what did we eat for dinner? And I was like, huh, she's like, did you have hot sauce today? And I went, nope, she's like, all right, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Keep going in comments. These are good comments of the back lash.

No backlash from the A people, none. Well, I didn't look that hard. Bert is truly one of a kind. Yeah. Yeah, by the way, I am, I have to apologize to all those people really struggling with addiction. I understand that my comments can be a tab that flippant and destructive.

So I apologize. Wait, what got you here? Because I'm blown away. Now that you recognize this. So there's this. So I keep track of my sober days, not in a row, but my sober days on this app. It's a really cool app, trying to get sober.

It's not, if you're me and you're just using it to subtract days, it's called I am sober. It's pretty interesting. And yesterday I found, not yesterday, a couple of days ago, and then last night I read them. If you touch it, you can hear people's stories. Like people share their stories of like, why they're sober, what they're doing to be sober

Very few people are like I just want to lose weight, you know most people have real tragedy in their lives Most people aren't like yeah, I want to get sober because he's 15 pounds. We just killed me I couldn't find one in there going. I just want to get back to a seven minute mile And so last night I was reading people's stories and They're really rough I was like here I am going guys and For the record every single one of them was like I tried moderation 10 days later. I'm sucking some dudes dick behind a dumpster. And like, and they all spiral out.

So I feel like if you aren't trying to get sober, do not fucking listen to me. Whatever the fuck's wrong with me is wrong with me. And I got it, okay? But like I feel back, because I was reading some stories going like, oh I didn't know, I didn't know like people, like I just, I don't sign into the app.

I just use it to count the days, which by the way, I think we're at 58 What I'm gonna say is 58 days Not a route not not a row not 58. Okay. We're one month 27 days 23 hours So we're about roughly 59 days. Okay. We had a little bit of a bender this weekend, but uh past over the weekend What happened the wheels came off really? Oh, Tito's oh yeah Tito's Drown drove the girls me and the girls drove down to the bylul lamppin's and The bio-loon them in that bio bio-aluminous and algae

Uh-huh down to the beach. Uh-huh. I was like we were having a few pops I was like nice. It was just me really just me drinking and I was like let's go down to the beach and the girls are like It's gonna be crowded. I go let's wait till like 11 30 12 o'clock. No one will be there Drove down which beach you go to rain Adele Ray? Uh-huh Packed at midnight big worse than in the summer at the beach. It was fucking packed packed and so we walked away from everyone to go see it, saw for a second, and I know and I was freaked out. Were you drunk though driving? No, no, no, no, no, I'm the android. Yeah, she doesn't

drink. And so, but yeah, I had a fun, I had a fun little weekend. And so then I got back on the wagon Sunday. And I was like, and I was like, God damn it. And I understood all the things people go of like, you go, like two days drinking back to back and you're just like, you're like, God damn it man. I gotta get back on the wagon. And so I was last night, I'm like, God, I feel great, I feel great.

And I see it back into my mindset. So I go scroll through the comments. And a lot of these people are having rough time. But yeah, it's like a lot of people are like losing their families and I didn't realize alcohol does that bad of stuff. Like, for me, it just works okay. Like, I'm okay.

And whatever, not health wise, I'm not probably, but fat, but, you know, so. You look good though. I feel great, man. You look great. You know, it's because I am. I feel great man. I look great. You know It's because I am I mean control of everything right now And so like everything super manageable in my life. What are you think is gonna happen? I have no I it's not the most frustrating part Like when they are like like a few weeks ago they go I

Think you'll be able to do shows in July and then even then I was was like, I don't think so. And then, then they talked about the fall stuff. They're like, well, you got stuff for the fall, and then I go, I don't know if the fall's gonna happen. And now they're talking about, then I had a conversation there, like, well, I don't know if the January February stuff's gonna happen. I was like, damn, that's more like... That's what they said to me.

They're like, they're like, you know, if you want to be 100% let's book it in May. And I went, hey, we. They're like, they're like, you know, if you want to be a hundred percent, let's book it in May. And I went, hey, we're in May. And they're like, yeah. Next May. And I'm, but I think that is for bigger. Yeah, we get it in Adav. It's like we're doing a read.

He's like, guys, there's a comment right here. There's a comments right here. Yeah, we're in the middle of talking about something. Give us a sec. And so. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. By the way, I just saw a movie about him. About a dog? Yeah, so worth a docks on that place. Yeah. That is upbringing. Yeah. Yeah. How is it? Not a kind representation of the chosen people. No. Is it rough? It is super aggressive, like you do not, I mean, it makes sense why most Jewish people aren't

orthodox. It just is a really kind of ridiculous way to live your life. It is a cult, it is a legitimate cult. No, it is legitimate. Like if you try to leave, they fucking bring you back in, they're aggressive. It's not, I mean no one can watch on orthodox and go no man A lot of they make a lot of sense like this poor girl has a fucking rough run it. They these two fucking guys chase her down Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I wanted to put Ari like you can't if you're a woman

You can't I don't want to do any of this thing because it's a lot of our exact like a lot of our is new special Is what you watching this and the jokes are in makes, you're like, oh, this would have been an amazing fucking special. Yeah, because it is, like I hope he still does it because it is mind blowing. It is no, there's, and then you start going all religions or cults, I guess ultimately all religions or cults.

Like you can't, you can't go like, what if it'll bring you solace's Scientology, will you talk to Lee Rendemini? She's like, no, it's a cult. And then you talk to like Ari and he's like, no, it's a cult, like they're both fucking, it's just extremes of cults. Yeah.

And luckily, no worth that I choose people to watch this. So, hopefully. I don't know, I've never, I love your family watches. There we would you would you watch this the show to watch unorthodox yeah now just not interested I'm not interested in any type of Jewish content it's any of it any Jewish content is that what you said so how do you enjoy Hollywood movies not It's not about Jews. Okay. There's another comment from...

Do you know Amy Schumer's Jewish? Yeah. Jonathan Koss, I love how bad of an influence time is the birth. You should totally start dipping. Dude, they're coming out with real scientific studies that tobacco is good for the coronavirus. Why don't we look into it? Dude, I keep looking into it,

and it's like, what's happening is everyone saying, it's smoking, because fucking no one grew up in the South. Yeah. And so they're like, they're not taking the alternative. Oh, shh. That's why I'm the dog. The dog, you are the fucking worse with surprises. You're like a fucking child.

Get to the dipping. Get to the dipping. Let me see a school classic long cut right there. Right there. Top, top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top my fingernail? That's right. Dude, that's... You did not, I mean, this seems like you've been doing this. Bro, I've been waiting for this. By the way, my fingernail's not sharp enough. You want a key? Oh, thanks, man. Oh, we're not debing, I can't deb, I'll start.

I'll start immediately for the... No, no, no, no. I cannot put this in my mouth. I will start immediately. You'll start immediately for the rest of my life. You want me to use this to cut? No. Hey, I will start immediately for the rest of my life. You know what we have? Yeah, yeah, we have pouches too. You want to do pouches instead? Pouches are not as strong. I can't. Let's do the pouch., I can't I've told myself if dude. This is the beginning of the end for me

Come on, man You know, it's funny as soon as I even saw these my My stomach started tingling like hey, you're gonna take a ship pretty soon if you uh, right? Does that make you shit like a great conversation?? Smell. Does that make you shit? Like a great conversation. Does it smell like, does it make you shit? Like when you, when you would throw a dip in, didn't you have to take it down? No, no, no, no, no.

I have. So, so I was talking with, um, micro bigly. I did his, uh, tip the way staff show. Yeah. And when he was talking about smells, he was talking about smells that trigger different things and like, and I was like, I was like, oh man. That smells so fucking good.

Take a dip. I can't, come on. Pouch, wouldn't do a pouch instead? No, I can't, I really honestly. It's not as strong. No, I really honestly can't, because I will, I mean, you wanna see this. You will beat the coronavirus, do it.

I will. If they said, if you can say that this will protect you from corona, I'm back. I'm back 100%, but I'm back for the rest of my fucking life. Like, I'm not, I'm never quitting. I, dude, it is so hard to quit this shit. Like, you never been addicted to this. I was doing it like pretty regularly.

Okay. I was. Like, like, did you have to quit? I did have to quit, yes. And I did have, I did have some withdrawals from it. Yeah, I did. Dude, I had the hardest time quitting this. I had the hardest. Let's make it a new challenge.

I had the hardest time. Let's do this. Let's just let's try to dip See what it's like to pack a dip and Just see Oh my god, yeah, I feel like I'm like putting on a condom like oh yeah Oh It tastes so good. Yeah, just do it. I can't really a really can't I'll start up immediately and I'm not the guy with the best mouth right now Oh

Yeah, man, oh Fuck that smells so good. You want to just like a pouch instead? No, I don't, who gives a fuck about a pouch? What's a little milder, you know? Fuck, a pouch. It might be a good way to get started again, you know? By the way, if you dipped, if you dipped, growing up and you stopped.

Wait, when did you quit? When did you quit? When did you quit? So I chued, I dipped all through college. Yeah. And when I moved to New York, I couldn't, all these are pouches. Yeah. Who gives them? Wintergreen is so good.

Wait. Let me just see what we got. Pouches, pouches, spearmen. I'm seeing like a real love for this stuff. Oh, extra mint long cut It's like a kid with a collectible you're just like oh shit This was this was the limited edition one. I remember when they came out with Terry dip I remember that wait wait tell me you dipped every day in college

Yeah, and then every day probably every day in college. And then... Every day, probably four or five times a day. Right, and then you got to New York. And what happened? I smoked and dipped. I smoked and dipped all through high school and college. You were a smoker? Yeah, I love.

Dude, there's no better. A cigarette and a booze. There's no better taste than a match and the first draw of a cigarette yeah Like that the extra especially when you packed the pack and so you got a little extra let's do it Let's do sick. Let's smoke cigarettes. You're still smoke cigarettes. No, I know Moves last time you had a cigarette 11 years ago. No, oh, yeah, no hand on my kid. Are you serious? Yeah? 11 years ago. No, no. Yeah. No, no. Hand on my kid. Are you serious? Yeah.

11 years ago. Yeah. That's the last time I had a cigarette. Even a drag off a cigarette. Wow, I remember you being a smoker. Yeah. No. Here's the deal.

I smoked and chewed all through, all through high school, but not like a ton. And then in college, it was pretty aggressive. Freshman sophomore junior, Freshman sophomore sophomore junior. Did you list two sophomore years? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, two sophomore, two senior, two seniors. What, you have one freshman, of course.

And so second junior, first junior, I come back from Russia and I can't I'm not doing anything happening Russia is there a story you could tell I saw the Hermitage and so the you know same same and so so God there was no better feeling than having a soda We oh yeah but wait when you get back there was no better feeling than having a soda. Wait, oh yeah, yeah.

Having a dip. But wait, when you get back, I wanna know, you go to New York, how hard it, like what makes you not quit, what makes you quit? I could find it and I, I mean, I don't, you can find it there? No, I couldn't find it anywhere. And no one will understand the feeling,

only someone who is really addicted to chewing tobacco knows this feeling of being in a place where they're not, they don't sell it and going everywhere. Like everywhere. Like it's a real panic. I remember when we were touring together, we, me and you were working a braya with, we used to tour that guy for years, it's the fucking name. And then, and, and he went on stage, I was featuring, you were hosting, it was the three of us. And I said, I'll be right back, I'm gonna go ahead, a dip, a dip. This is in is Embraia a chew I got a back hooked on it with chewing tobacco fucking red man golden blend really dude I was fucking around one night I was driving down sunset and I was not drinking at the time I did like a eight-month stretch of not drinking right after the land dumped me and I got her back. Yeah, and so

I was driving down Sunset and I just felt like an empty feeling and I pulled into right aid and I was like I should go in and I'll see what you know get like a soda or something and I saw a red man And I went, you know what like in a weird way like I've done this before like with like a black-and-miles where I go I'm empty right now. I'm gonna get a black and mild. I'm gonna get a Swiss or a sweet. I'm gonna smoke it in the parking lot. Just little things like that. I'm gonna get some red man golden blind.

And I put it in, I had an expedition at the time, and I'm driving down sunset. I put it in, I get a spit cup. And it was singularly the greatest feeling I've ever had from a drug or alcohol or anything that first Two, yeah, I went holy shit. This feels good. I went back to my apartment. I took it out I was sitting down watching TV and I put another one in and then I went God damn it man. It did it again

I went and played golf a Gary Valentine's Day and I put one in on the ride to the golf course took it out put one in on the golf course Front nine took it out put one in the golf course back nine took it out and I was like, uh-oh I think I'm fucking hooked and it wasn't until we had we were pregnant with Georgia We had just gotten married we're driving to our honeymoon and I put one in in the car and I was like And I said to Leanne I was, this isn't giving me the same joy. She was maybe need to quit for a while. And I was like, yeah, and then I was like, you know what, I'm having a kid. I'm going to quit totally.

And I haven't had one since that drive. And I said to myself, if I ever start again, commit to mouth cancer because I will not quit. Commit to mouth cancer, that's going to happen. You know, I'm not the best with hygiene. Yeah, and so and but I'll tell you man The smell of it. It smells so fucking good. What do we do a challenge? Okay Dip your fucking pouches dip every day for a month Bandits I remember when they came out with bandits

for a month. Small bandits. I remember when they came out with bandits. I remember I was like, it must have been like, I was probably 10 or 7 when school bandits came out. I remember hearing people having bandits at the box games. Yeah. So why don't you dip for a month and then make it a part of a challenge to see if you can quit.

You know what I mean? Like challenge yourself, like Jaco. See that, I don't subscribe. I just flip my brain, I'm a subscriber, Jaco. I would just start dipping and then going, this is who I am. This is who I am, yeah. Oh.

What was your favorite between a cigarette dip and chew? What? To run a train on my mouth with a cigarette and and chew. Um. What? To run a train on my mouth with a cigarette and a dip. You used to do that. Oh, fuck, yes. Dude. I loved, I remember having to go toplip. I mean, like, because my mouth would burn down here

and I'd go toplip. Did you love that burn in a way? I loved what you got. Oh, fuck, give me a cigarette. Are you fucking serious? Camel blue Geez what the fuck? Yeah, Camel blue is that the ones you crushed the back like a chick What's Camel blue is it menthol

What's blue stamp for That's a camel light. Doesn't the camel light have the different filter on the end? They're not allowed to use the word light anymore, so they've changed it to blue. Oh. Didn't know that. Let's see a cigarette too. I'm gonna smell that.

Yeah, can I tell you, I'll get the feeling. I'll get the feeling by just pulling on this and inhaling. Yeah, I can taste the nicotine. Let's do it. I can feel it. Let's just do it. Let's do a binge day.

Oh, we should do a fucking binge day and fucking film it and go off the rails with everything. That's what I'm saying. And see if we can really test our moderation. Yeah. Weed, booze, beers, nicotine,

hallucinogenics. We got to get one like, I really think the way to go is coke. Like after talking to Drew a bunch. Dude. Let's do some coke, man. Like I say we do, I say we do. I say in the spirit of following in Jocco's footsteps,

where he preaches what he believes, right? He believes that shit. Right. And it works for him really fucking well. Yeah. I mean, I watched him talk about whole milk today. Yeah. I was like, who doesn't drink whole milk? I get vitamin D milk all the time. He talked about whole milk.

He was like, yeah, whole, he goes, I got a lot of backlash. I'm talking that I use some whole milk. And I guess I was like what what is it world? You're a fan of it. What I have no idea. I just saw it's in first part I like I why I got his audio book. I'm listening to his audio book right now I love it because it's really it really does peak your mind because I don't think that way naturally Yeah, it forces you to it forces me to see the world in a different way and in a productive way obviously, but So I follow him and today he's like I'm getting a lot of backlash because I told you,

I like to make my morning shakes with whole milk. And I was like, in my head, I was like, what fans have had at you? That are like, dog, damn it. He's saying fucking whole milk. I was like, what did they want to say? All the milk?

I have no idea, stop watching. I was like, God bless Chaco, that he woke up and he was like, what did they want him to say? All the milk? I have no idea. I stopped watching. I was like, I was like, God bless Chaco, that he woke up and he was like, fuck, I shouldn't send a whole milk. Hahaha. By the way, I wanted to give another shout out to not just Lotus for the Aurora GT, but Matt Ferra, the Smoking Tire.

So I did his podcast a week ago, and I was like, you know, I love cars, and we just had a great car conversation. It's like, man, I always wish I could be one of those people that they'll just let drive a car for a few days, and he was like, oh, you can be. I mean, that happened. Yeah, and he made it happen.

And anyways, we had a great time on his podcast, but I'm driving this loadage for a few days, and it's so fun. Really? It's so fun. Yeah, it is a, it's a great time on this podcast, but I'm driving this load-as for a few days, and it's so fun. Really? It's so fun. Yeah, it is a true sports car. It's not crazy, crazy fast, but it's fast. What do you mean?

It's not like... Everything becomes about, like, does it go zero to 60 in two and a half seconds? No, but it's still fast, it still handles great, it's no frills. Like, you get in the car, and there's still fast, it still handles great, it's no frills, like you get in the car and there's AC and a radio, and then there's just a sport race button.

That's it, those are like the modes, it's not full of gadgets, it's like, it's a fun sports car experience, really low to the ground, really, it's manuals, but like really easy gate, move in and out of, it's a fun car to drive. If you're looking for a sports car that you don't see everybody driving,

like you know, I've seen a couple, I think that's kind of one of the appeals as you go like, I don't see these everywhere, you see hundreds of other sports cars. So I don't know, I've just had like a really, really fun time driving it. All right, then let's talk, let's pivot. pivot I like this yeah, what do you think about? What do you think about

Jordan in the documentary only seems to be driving Corvettes He drove well, he was famously driving the Ferrari for a while. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, he had that black Ferrari Which he tells the comment. I don't know if it's in the last answer. I'll watch that in another video. Might have watched another video that, because you know, he's like the most amazing trash talker. Yeah.

So he said he was, I think it was in a different video. Another player was saying that it might have been Gary Payton went up to George Love. The Glove. When did you see the video? Yeah, I was watching the Gary Payton goes, I shut him down and he goes. The Glove. When did you see this video? Yeah, I was watching the Gary Payton because I shut him down and he goes the Glove. The first he goes, yeah, he does that.

And then when he goes and then things different, he was like, he's like, okay. He's like, I had no problem. I love that he's still so competitive that 20 years later, he's like, fuck that dude. Yeah, I love it. By the way, hold on years later he's like, fuck that dude. I love it. By the way, hold on, I have so many notes on the fucking... It's amazing.

It's... It's amazing. But I look at it from a different... Oh, finish what you're saying. Okay, the... Ooh, drink mother fuckers! What happened? I thought I'd let you finish a statement.

I thought you finished a statement. So the Ferrari statement was this so he had he was driving like a I think a 458 back then But you just like such a baller thing for an athlete to pull up be like I'm a ghost score 45 points. Let's see y'all But he said one game Well, I think I think it was Peyton or one of the super sonics came up to him and was like amen I got a Ferrari too. And then he turned to him and goes, yeah, but you paid for yours. And they were like,

because like, he's like, give me that shit. Here's what I think is Isaiah Thomas must be fucking livid. Yeah, they have almost destroyed his reputation. Yeah, it's taking other people, like, defending him to not make everyone hate him. Everyone, and then I started, I mean, I, and I've said this a couple times, I know people don't believe this,

but what's next, like, curiosity? How many NBA, all stars, MVP's, Hall of Famers? Do you think or watching this being like, fuck that? I'm gonna make my documentary. Like why isn't Sean Camp going? Hold on, I was a fucking human highlight reel. Like I like to say, I like to make an argument that I'm one of the greatest ever. Why isn't you know for a fact people in Hollywood in LA are like, let's make a cream documentary because cream is arguably a great displayer ever to play in professional. Some people just aren't documentary worth. Like is that what it is? Is that yeah? Like that Jordan literally was a highlight reel.

But Jordan here's the thing. He he was so dominant, so dominant. And so iconic, he became an international, international superstar, recognized in a village in North Africa, China, anywhere you went, he singled, like pretty much single-handedly took the NBA, which was a more mid-tier sports league, you know, professional sports league, and like made it, like the most popular international league, probably added fucking $100 billion of worth to that league.

Do you think he created the European player? Well, the game was totally different there. You know, I mean? He elevated the popularity of the sport so much. I mean, the world really did everyone to be like Mike. And you look back on that documentary, and I was saying it before that my perspective of Michael Jordan was always as a kid.

I watched him as a kid. And I thought, like, this guy's just naturally the best. He's just the best player ever. To watch it as an adult and see not just like how like, like how much work he put into it and everything and how possessed he was as a competitor, but to have it validated that like, oh, actually, you know how your kid eyes were like oh he's just really great

To see like those other dudes who are professional basketball players All acknowledged like like that dude could just fuck us up at any time it kind of it's mind It kind of blows your mind right you like that dude really was that much of a savage playing basketball. Like he wouldn't have to kill you, you know. He wanted to kill you and demoralize you and humiliate. And he's creating. Creating stories inside his own head of why he should kill you. Yeah. I love that.

I create stories all my time. All the time. By the way, if any one of us, I know I did this a lot and other people that did it, were you laying bed and you fight with someone. Jordan was doing that all the time. All the time. He was like, okay. Yeah, back to backstory, they tell.

I was like, the guy was like, good game. Yeah, good game. And he's like, I'm gonna score what he scored in the first half. Yeah, and then he goes, and then they say, so we talked to what's the name. He said that never happened to you, as you see, I made that up. And you're like, yeah. By the way, can I tell you on that vein of making it up, I was

in bed and I was like, I was watching the documentary and I'm like, all right, I want to say I wish I had seen Jordan play by, I think I saw him play in Orlando. I think, and I was like, that's impossible. Because I'm like, I left Florida in 97, when would I have ever seen him in Orlando, playing Orlando. I remember having great seats in Orlando. My dad had gotten them somehow and I went to a game.

It was like six rows back and I was like, I only went because I wanted to see Jordan play, but I can't remember. And then I thought, do I just give myself that memory? I don't remember if it's true or not. Yeah. But do I just give myself the memory and go, I saw him play and then I'm happy.

This is such a birdism. Yeah, like do I go? Because I'm pretty sure. I saw him play live three times. Okay, see, I don't have that memory. Yes. I have going to see three times. Okay, see, I don't have that memory. Yes. I have going to see the magic and the bowl's play. I think, I think.

And I would have been. It would have been right after the Rolling Stone article, so it would have been 97 in whatever that year, 97, 98 is. Okay. So, and I think I went to watch the bulls in the magic play. I think, or, or, this is even crazier. Some sort of exhibition game that Michael Jordan was in. Coulda been, I mean.

So, but I know that I went, I know that I, I know that I went because I wanted to see Michael Jordan play. But I don't remember if I saw Michael Jordan play because I was drinking, I don't really remember much of it. And then I just decided, I'm just gonna give myself the memory. Like, just go, just go. That's not what you think it is, you saw Jordan play.

Yeah. So that, so like, to know, like to hear how your mind works is it's really, really an astonishing thing. I mean, most people would, most people would carry that memory with some detail. You know, because they're like, I saw the greatest person to ever play this game,

play live. I saw I met Dave Grohl and I said, I have a very distinct memory of seeing Dave Grohl and a thing Nirvana playing, Tallahassee. Not really sure. Like, kind of don't remember. Might have been just mashing pumpkins. But in my memory, yeah might have been just mashing pumpkins But in my memory it was Nirvana's mashing pumpkins

And I believe I have that memory and did you tell Dave roll? I saw Dave grow. I was like I Say you guys live in Tallahassee and the look on his face Suggested we never played in Tallahassee and I shut the story down and cut him off so he couldn't change my memory We were on my show and I do remember By the way, I told him how they set up a stage and you can see in his eyes like I'm no fucking idea We're talking about well, let me yeah, there was a crucifix here and Kerr was on one side You were in the center It was like that never happened Let me just tell you

Without a doubt you never saw Jordan play okay Why would you take your own beautiful memory and give it yourself shit when you can have a beautiful memory? It's true like why why not just selfishly? Just, it's so funny, because I go, I look at that and I go, I definitely, pull up, pull up, Nirvana smashing Pumpkins tour. Let's find out if there's a real memory,

because we ate mushrooms. I distinctly remember Nirvana and smashing Pumpkins playing. You know the year? No. I know who I would have gone with Fuck this is scary to think that I will now say go from saying I saw Nirvana and smashing pumpkins live that says 91 All right, hold on. You ready to find out?

Yeah. I can find out if I saw Nirvana play live. You're gonna call your friend? This is who I would have gone with. It was when I was in Giving Out Spankins. Yeah. You said telehassy, right? Telehassy.

Yeah. At the Civic Center. But it's not be 91, it would be, 98, 99, 3, it would be 94. It was when I turned 21, do the math. He died in 94. Dagger, it's birth. Hey, I'm with, I'm with Suga and we're talking about,

all right, be careful and try to remember this best you can. Don't just answer no no no never happened okay. Just think the best you can. Did we see Nirvana Play Live at the Civic Center in Tallahassee in college? Think about it, think about it or did we... I think about it because I already remember we did. I thought Nirvana Live! I thought Nirvana Live! Oh fuck yeah it was awesome right? Or did we Fuck yeah, it was awesome right? God damn it John you just made my fucking Yeah, and you know it says time it says fucking right on you the best I was talking right now. You're the best man. December 2nd, 1993. December 2nd, 1993. That sounds right. Fuck yeah, Daker. God damn it. Oh

Thank you, man. God damn it. Hey, who opened I thought smashing pumpkins open for him, but the breeders Breachers, I think God your memory so much better than mine Awesome brother. I'll talk to you later, okay? Alright dude, good timing, I just got to get back on the work. Alright, bye. Um, I saw Nirvana play live. I did! I fucking did! Now, now here's the question, Tom. Here's the real question.

Doesn't it say that you don't remember? No, no, no, no. By the way, now I know all my memories to be real, but here's the real question. Does it matter? Let's see what way is more. I was giving myself that memory, not knowing if it was true or not,

but I was giving myself the memory. Is the memory better or more valuable now that I know it's true versus me just going, yeah, I did that. Like what memory is more valuable, it feels the same. Like it still feels the same. Like I did see them live, but if I kind of didn't, and I thought I did, it doesn't matter.

So you know what, I fucking saw Jordan play. I just gonna go, because I, all my feelings are the same, right? All my emotions are the same. I feel like I have that memory. I feel like I saw greatness. I feel like I was a part of something that was cool. I feel that, right?

Yeah. Because I gifted it to myself. It would be 97. It was right, it was, it would be 97. And it would have been right after college, do they play? That'd have been it. Probably right there, right?

Yeah, it was exactly when it was over Christmas break. December 10th, 1997. I saw Jordan play. But you know what, it doesn't change. It's so crazy that I was gonna give myself those memories anyway to make me happier. And now you're like, oh, they're true. Yeah. It's like if you I was gonna give myself those memories anyway to make me happier. And now you're like, oh, they're true. Yeah.

It's like if you go to a strip club and she's like grabs your dick, you're like, that's not cheating. Right. That's true. I mean, it really is. A dick suck ain't cheating. Well, a dick suck.

But like, when a girl like motorboats you in a strip club, and you're like, that's not cheating. But if you did it in a van, in a parking lot with a chick outside your show, you'd be like, I definitely cheated. But it's a motorboat. It's a, by the way, if we're gonna add to my commencement speech, it's about make your own rules. And make your own memories.

Make your own memories. Make your own laws. You're the only one that goes to bed with you every single night. So as long as you know that you're happy, that's all that fucking matters. I saw Nirvana and I saw my good Jordan. And by the way, I didn't really even know that until now,

but I feel the same. You feel the same. That's fucking, what is, I am so broken. Like, I mean, when you, I honestly, if you're at a therapist watching this, they'd be like, this is like gotta be so perfect. They'd have, they'd have some notes. It's gotta be sociopathic, right?

I don't know if it's sociopathic, but it would have some notes. There's, I mean, there has to be something wrong with me that I really justified for what, 20, five years, I've been like talking in my head about and see every time I listen to a rana, I'm like, oh, that show is great. I remember where I was sitting, and I did not know if it was a real memory. So what you're saying is you do kind of remember that show. I 100% remember, we were sitting top,

like this is a stage, we were up in the nose we was up to the top up here, and this stage were up here. We ate mushrooms, so I was pretty fucking high, and they had the, I thought it was a crucifix, but it was the, I'm sure I was pretty fucking high. And they had the, I thought it was a crucifix, but it was the, I'm sure I was just fucking high, shit. It was the inflatable, the in utero symbol of her on the, with the wings or something.

Pulled up the utero symbol. And I swear to God, Kurt Cobain was to the left. Chris Novicellik was to the right. They were on separate sides of the stage and Dave Grohl was in the center. And it was that thing on the stage. And I'm telling you man It was a fucking amazing show and I but I and I said wait

Why did you doubt the memory though? Because I didn't I wasn't sure it happened like I was you didn't know if it was a created memory Yeah, like like like you would told me about Do you ever see Nirvana and I didn't remember that conversation and then all of a sudden I'm like I'm like You know like I wish I had that memory. And then it starts forming in your head. You have a couple of dreams. And then you're like, I saw them.

But I couldn't tell if it was, I move where we really into smashing pumpkins at the time. But John Daker was obsessed with Nirvana. And he was like, dude, we gotta see them live. And I was like, I can't really give a fuck. We were in a band at the time. And then after seeing that show, I was obsessed with them. I'll tell you one of the one show that I can say

that I went to, two shows that I went to that were the greatest live concerts I've ever been to. Beck in Giant Stadium. Yeah. Amazing show. Oh, amazing show. Beck live was fucking. I bet he did. And they didn't even sort of booze at amazing show. Oh, amazing show. Um, back live was fucking I bet he's it and they didn't even serve booze at that show I was stone fucking sober and I remember that show. That's kind of interesting how that kind of lines up. Yep

Very clear memory great memory positive feeling such a vivid fucking memory totally sober such a bibit fucking memory and and co-workids not like all workids look up by the way can you look up because I I'm trying to remember this I saw Jordan play against the timber wolves in what I think was the Timberwolves inaugural game, the first Timberwolves game. I think it was their first game ever. So it'd been like right in 1989, I think. Wow. Can you look up? We'll look up a first first Timberwolves game, first Minnesota Timberwolves game. first, first Timber Wolves game, first Minnesota Timber Wolves game. By the way, all I can think right now is, did I see Shack Play also?

I saw Shack Play. I saw Shack Play in Orlando. Was he, it's the 89, right? 89.90 season? Would that be their inaugural season? It's their first season. And maybe I'll start a religion. Maybe you'll start a religion. Yeah, of like, uh, should I believe in and that people are like, yeah, I kind of want good memories. I think you kind of have that. I think you already kind of have that.

What if you just Google, first Minnesota, Temberwolves game? You know what I mean? That was the schedule right here. Is that the schedule? Yeah, so I'm trying to get rid of this little box. Hey, can someone, one of our fans do a make a Nidavis Googling song that we can play to release? Okay, so look, look, look, look.

Was is that the order? Yeah, this is the schedule. I don't know, is this the third game? So it looks like the third game. Yeah, there is the third game. Yeah, they lost, obviously. Yeah, I was at that game. Really? Yeah, I was a third game. Yeah, they lost obviously. Yeah, I was at that game. Really?

Yeah, I was at that game. And then I also went to see the bulls play the bucks twice, but in Milwaukee, I never saw them play in Chicago. I never, I've never, I've never saw them in Chicago. Hey, did we shack was on that team, I guess? Which one? When I saw, I guess? Which one? When I saw, I must have seen Shaq play too.

If you saw the game in Orlando, I love Shaq. Yeah, I saw him play. He'd be the one guy that I'd break this rule where we could have guests. I wouldn't mind guests on this show. Yeah, Shaq came in here. Like legit, big fucking guests. Yeah. Where you know that we could tag team them okay.

But like Shaq is the fucking greatest. He's awesome. know that we could tag team them okay? Mm-hmm. But like, Shaq is the fucking greatest. He's awesome. Dude, I love everything about him. If I could have a career like his, where like, you do like, you know, one more special everyone likes it, you do a big tour,

and then you just retire and do general commercials like, hey, I could do that in a fucking heartbeat. Do it. God damn it, man. That's what a great day to, here's why you need people like you and that guy, Daker in your lives. Why? Because you know you saw Jordan play. In your head you were like, I want to see the greatest play. I'm gonna make sure I have that memory. You probably remember who you

went to the game with. Oh yeah, I went with my dad. Oh, oh guy. He just called by the way. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, and uh, but, but you remember, so like to have people like that in your life that go, yeah, we definitely did that. We definitely did that. Shaq was not playing which game? God damn it. Shaq wasn't on the team in 1997, I don't believe. This is the box score right here.

It was for which game? For which game? The one that won two. Oh, the one you went to, yeah. Okay. Was he playing at Los Angeles already or Miami? I don't think he was even, yeah, I think he was, this is 97, so was he drafted yet?

Was he 99? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was already in LA. He was in league. Can I tell you, I almost remember him. Because I moved to Florida in 94, and I went to a magic game and to see Shaq play. I never saw him.

I moved there at the end of 94, so I don't know if I saw him in late 94 or early 95, but he was on the magic definitely in that period. Can I tell you, I have a, I had dated a girl that had a hilarious Shaq story, and I want to say that Shaq was on the team, but in a suit, and I want to say that the only person I was really fascinated by was Penny Hardaway. Yeah, Penny was so fucking good man. He was the shit.

That's what when you look at the last dance, they should be, they should be done. Yeah, but that 30 for 30 about Penny and Shaq was fucking amazing. Amazing, dude. Yeah, they've been doing that. I mean, the thing is that like we were so lucky, especially if you're a basketball fan or a Jordan fan, to get the last dance. Jordan had to sign up, he controlled the footage and didn't have to do these interviews.

He's Michael Jordan. And the fact that he actually agreed to sit down and do these interviews and be so candid. Like let's tell stories. It was amazing. Don't give me a documentary fluff pieces about ourselves. What do you wanna do? What do you wanna do?

It's because you realize in fucking 40 years, no one's gonna remember that Delia was better than me, right? They're just gonna remember my documentary about me was fucking amazing. So, no one's gonna remember the memory Joe Rogan. So you wanna do like a thing where we like make fluff documentaries about our lives and just highlight this. But do you wanna talk about comedy the way

that these guys talk about games? We're like, we're like, it's a late show. It's a your mom's show. It's a late show, Embrea, and I went up there. Yes, yes. And I just slammed that shit. And it's like, and it's like, and it's like, and it's like,

and it's like, and it's like, and it's like, and it's like, and it's like, and it's like, and it's like, and it's like, and it's like, and by the way, it doesn't even need to be true. It's like, it's like, it's like, just cut to like, David Telegoen. I was in the back of the, and by the way, it doesn't even need to be true. It's like, it's like, just cut to like David Telego and I was in the back of the ring. By the way, that should be your next specials title.

It doesn't need to be true. That's 100% a perfect title for you. By the way, it doesn't need to be true. That's you. That is you. It doesn't need to be true. Bert Kreischer doesn't need to be true. That's you. That is you. It doesn't need to be true. Bert Kreischer doesn't need to be true. Let's, I'm going to produce a fluff piece documentary on me being the greatest stand-up

comedian to ever take the stage. Okay. Okay. And I'm going to make, I'm going to make an eight-part series. You got to have an eight-part series. It's going to be a lot of the same thing. But I want to do a love part documentary and just, and then make it. And then people will be like, God, I bet if you saw that for the first time, you didn't

know me and be like, I got to see this guy. Especially if you get people to be like, man, and one thing you didn't want to do was challenge Bert. God, man. David just take over after that shit. Yeah, almost like really, like, by the way, I don't keep a lot of these athletes in it. Like I'll just keep Isaiah Thomas going like,

man, I didn't have a problem with him. But, I think it's someone that edit that. Just take out Jordans interviews and I'll recreate all of Jordans. Yep, and have everybody else talk about him? It's not, it's cause it's not a fluff peeps because he is the greatest, but he did produce it.

So it's, I mean, obviously he's the greatest, but like, but they handle, you know, they talk about cause the critique of him not being like really into activism, right? They handle that. Made me second guess, I've always said I don't like talking about politics and then you hear, cause I really do believe that I wouldn't say Republicans

I would say both people deserve to come to a comedy show and laugh and I think it comedy is like I don't want to alienate or isolate anyone. That's how he not gonna send up and go kick out all Republicans But like you hear him say that and then people fucking come down on them Yeah, and people were disappointed because there always been these big stories. And then it's like, it's especially if you balance that against like LeBron is like very, very vocal about all types of social issues. So it kind of falls into that comparison

that people are always doing. There will be a LeBron documentary. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, of course. And does he just accept that I was he's number two. Well you know there's there's gonna be a cobe one. Like this one has been so successful that there's no way they don't make a shack on a cobe one a LeBrom on a Karim one like they're gonna like ESPN is gonna be like hold on

a second. This is bigger than Tiger King. This is the biggest thing in media in probably the last 20 years. I don't know. I mean, I know it's been like a huge hit, but I mean, you know, there is already the Kobe show like the Spike Lee did a movie about Kobe that followed him. So there's stuff. It's gonna be... Yeah. What's that called?

Hey, mark my words. There's not one person playing in the NFL that doesn't have a fucking film crew going in, or in the eight, I'm gonna take that from the top, just edit that part out. Mark my words, there's not one, by the way, it's amazing,

I can just ship right into it. Mark my words, there's not one person in the NBA that isn't gonna have a film crew with them everywhere. Lock rooms are gonna be filled with fucking film crews. They want that shit. Because they want that fucking documentary. Well here's the the thing is I realized just now like through this last period, especially watching that doc, that everything your opinion on greatness is so heavily heavily biased by the age you are during someone's greatness.

So you know, like, we as kids would always hear about, well, you didn't see cream play, you didn't see Oscar Robertson play. And you'd always go like, hmm, and the same thing happens now. Like, younger people will be like, dude, LeBron's definitely the best. And then anyone older, they just go like, okay, boomer, you're just old. And people will compare stats, but I don't know. I think if you grew up in the Jordan era,

like if you watched him from age, probably seven to 25, 30, if you're in that age range and you were watching him in this time, you'll never be swayed to another side. Evan. No, no, no.

I mean, I get it. I just go, there's going to be disagreements. People will be like, ah, he had more points per game. Okay. No one who grew up with Jordan is going to be like, you're right. This guy who just completely dominated this space for a decade and won two, three beats, MVP, just single-handedly could take a, no one's ever gonna be like, yeah, give it to you.

I think the other guy's better. It's just not gonna happen. Yeah, would you, if you could give your sons a pill so that they would have physically, they will physically develop into either LeBron James or Michael Jordan physically, every attribute, muscle wise, size wise. Would you give them that pill now,

knowing that they may not take up basketball and maybe just the freakish guy in the fucking office. When I give them the pill. Yeah, really? I give them both the pill, fucking extra pills. And just have them be just monster absolutely absolutely even though if they're just and I would go to all their games and just cry At joy at watching my my sons make these other kids suffer, you know Let me tell you let me tell you a story about a guy. I won't say his name because I know he has anxiety

Okay, let's just call him hawk, okay, okay? He knows I'm talking about him Let me tell you a story about a guy. I won't say his name because I know he has anxiety. Okay. Let's just call him Hawk. Okay. Okay. He knows I'm talking about him. Okay. Hawk was 6.7.6.9 in ninth grade. God.

Yeah. And a monster on the basketball court. Except he was a very shy, gentle dude. Yeah. And he did not like people staring at him. And because he was 6'9", everyone stared at him all the time and it gave him ulcers. Because he was the center of attention anywhere he went. Okay, the giant.

The dolls would talk to him. People would sing them out. How tall are you? You play ball? And he ended up stopping playing basketball because it was too much for him. It was like almost being famous at a young age, an equit playing back. I think equit playing basketball. I know two dudes, three actually. Two that were like oversized eighth grade ninth graders who were real gentle, like real gentle guys,

and they were totally like put off by it. Another guy who was six, seven as a sophomore junior in high school, and all of us were like, holy shit man, I couldn't dunk. Because his body just hadn't like caught up and we played a pickup game, I blocked a shot of his, like I was like, Jesus man, like you can't levitate an inch you know and he died. Oh yeah. How? He just too tall and he just died.

From being too tall? No. He died totally unrelated to that. He had his head on a doorway. Kind of ceiling fan. But yeah it, but work out great for everyone. Yeah. Why? Think about, there's gotta be more than a handful of, maybe not shacks eyes dudes, but like, six, 10 who don't have the athletics school, and they just walk around like, yep,

I'm six fucking 10. And everyone says. Nothing is made for me. I can't ever go surfing. Nothing. I can never go skydiving. I have uncomfortable in planes. Movies. Yeah, I like reading not graphic novels. I can never go skydiving. I have a comfortable in playing movies.

I like reading not a graphic novels. It's gotta be that. I can't even be a gamer because the fucking controller so small in my hand. And yeah, and if you're just like six, 10 and not an athlete and you have a regular nine to five and then you don't have the resources to be like, hey, can we build a house with 14 foot ceilings?

Yeah, so I can walk around. Like, shack? Yeah. Oh, that's my, my feet will hang off the bed. I'll never be comfortable in a hotel shower. It's brutal. Hit me in my belly button.

That's brutal. So you would give your kids that life knowing they may not be athletic. They, and then all of a sudden they can every flight sucks, every hotel sucks. Yes, but the reason I would do it is because I would take a page out of Bert Krasher's book, which is...

I love the beginning of this sentence. Selfishly, it makes me happy that you're this tall. I am enjoying your freakish nature. It makes me pleased. And if you can't develop the drive to get better and compete and take this freak show body that God gave you with pills, then you know what? That's on you. Fuck out! I like it! I like it! An Uncle Berda proves! On that, we gotta wrap this up.

Oh, for real? Yeah. God damn it. Do we have any, can I ask you one quick pivot of a question? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Because I want your assessment. Yes. Last night I tweeted, greatest college team in history, meaning if you go into time machine and pick

all their all pros from all their past histories. There are all time teams. All time teams. You could get, you could get Ray Lewis. You could get Michael Irving. You could get Warren Sapp. You could pull all their all pros but whatever year and collaborate and make one college team.

What college has the best football team? I wanna hear your answer and then I will tell you what the internet said. I mean, there's like, there's just a top five that everybody would, top five or six. Okay, you would, it would, I bet it's not the one the internet says really. I was going away. It would be definitely my amy's in the conversation. Miami. Definitely Nebraska. Mm-hmm. I would say FSU.

Absolutely. All time team? All time team in Spain. All time you have to collect all. By the way, it doesn't even have to be, it really technically doesn't have to be guys that went pro when we're amazing and pro. It's like, all they're gonna take down. Dominant, dominant.

Marvin Jones, Derek Brooks, Deon Sam, Corey Simon Dion Sanders Peter Bolwer Yeah, Peter Warwick work. It's a fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah um I would take them so hold on hold on my Emmy Nebraska USC FSU Ohio State and it would be the last one. Oh, that's top five right there.

Okay, you ready? I could go LSU too. Their all-time team would be nuts. All-time team would be nuts. The answer that I got overwhelmingly is not one of those schools. It's not one of those schools. It's not one of those schools. Okay. What is it?

Pit. What? Pit. Yeah, they have, they have, they have. Tamarino, Tony Dorset, Larry Fitzgerald, Curtis Martin, Shady, Mike Ditka, Bill Frawlick, Jim Bocovert, Mike Mark May, Mark May, Russ Grimm, Rebus Island, Chris Dolan, Ricky Jackson.

You, I mean, every one. It's an awesome all-time team. I still think it's a top 10 team. Antonio Bryant, Aaron Donald, Darrell Rebus. Every one said fucking pit. Isn't that crazy? I mean, didn't even register in my top 10. You're right. That caught me off guard.

I still think it's a top 10 team. I still think that like, like everyone's gonna make that case that the Miami team. I would think that that would be, most college fans would just be like, look, if you take the all time roster from Miami, it's absolutely bananas. That's what I said, I thought it would be Miami.

I thought it would be Miami. But then you know what someone said to me? They're like, in this, they were like, yeah, Miami in like the 80s and 90s. But never ever before then. Yeah, but here's the thing. And not after then really. That's pretty true.

Like that, but that you take 83 through 0102. It is, I mean, it's Hall of Fame Central, man. It's really crazy. Michael Irving talked about greatness and it was, can you pull up, see if just real quick, see if you can find Michael Irving talking about greatness and it's a speech he gave and it was, they were putting a mic on him

and it was maybe the most moving speech I've ever heard. He, by the way, he's great. My favorite person to watch. Yeah, do press. Yeah. Is definitely Warren Sapp. Warren Sapp doesn't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, hey, great, greatest, like all time teams. Do you think is Miami top five?

Okay, let's call Warren Sapp. By the way, I've not abused this number. He gave it to me. Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Ask him, we, as you know, top five, who are the top five, all time teams. Okay, okay. Okay, that's the deal.

I gotta go. I feel like I can put a dip in to start this. Here we go. He loves the dip. I know. I know. Okay, we're calling more and stuff. Here we go.

Oh, this makes me nervous. This might be one of the top talent you're doing your podcast. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, I wonder if he remembers me. He's gonna say, birthday conqueror, what's up? Do we really answer? I don't know, he's quite fishing right now.

Probably not gonna answer. Unless he's like, it's going to voicemail. He's not gonna check his voice mail Texan later text your call has been forwarded to an Okay, well all my my hands are, I was just sweeping my hands so hard. I was sweating. My eyes freaked out.

We gotta wrap up. So I love that and look, they'll definitely write in the comments. They're top five. Yeah, put your top five in the comments. I'm dying to hear your top five. I said Miami, I said USC, I said Ohio State, I said FSU, Nebraska.

That's my top, that's my, that is exactly my top five as well. All right. And I did not see pit coming. I'm looking at my phone to see if the warrants going. The pit thing would be a mate. I mean, if he weighed in on this, it would be amazing. It would be fucking amazing.

If I go on twice, don't look thirsty, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't call it. By the way, just, hey, do me a favor, hit up warrants sap and get, let's just never mind. That's a's a horrible idea is a horrible idea with you fucking animals do not reach out to Warren sap he's a nice guy he's a friend okay all right we got to go thank you guys for watching for listening love you Bert love you too Tommy bye Bird time, time and bird One goes top to swap the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep

clean Here's what we call, screw bears one cave No scripts to beat a booze amateur Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call Two bears one cake