2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 31 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura are back in the cave once again. Bert has a new perspective on Karl Malone. Tom and Bert then start going doing lists to see which alt comics don't know them, which leads them to a more fun conversation on which black comedians don't know them. We even call up black expert Neal Brennan to weigh in! We find out Tom’s experience driving a McLaren after he gives the Kreischer girls a ride. We then get into the discussion of fighting and each of the bears have their own technique. Tom is really aching to cause damage to someone. Will anybody volunteer? Plus, reactions to more of your comments and memes!

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Hey man, I know that racist stuff bothers you. And I know you're trying to get it to stop. And I would. And then he wrote, and then he wrote, because if that's the case man, as a fan, you have to unfollow me. And I went, what an odd thing to say.

And then I checked out his, like obviously if anyone tweeted anything nice about me a lot of times, I'll just follow them and then just go, I thanks, man, or whatever. And so I got it, his website, and it is, his Twitter is just all white national racist shit. Like he's a legit fucking racist.

And he goes, you got to unfollow me, man. I'm just giving you a heads up. I'm looking out for you as a fan. And I was like like mother fucker Fucking like I literally was like I unfollowed him and I was like god You were He wrote something nice about my stand up and I just like follow like one of my fellow brothers doing it right Hey, man, don't give your heads up if you go on trying to get ready for this race, this shit, you gotta stop talking to me now.

All right. Woo. Goddamn it. And then I started going like, I should probably go through everyone's, Twitter is amazing. Like, it's amazing. It's such a great sounding board for reality.

Watching the last dance, Karl Malone comes into the bus. It starts fucking shaking, having with everyone Malone comes into the bus. Yeah starts fucking shaking Herbert with every hands with everyone after they just lost a chance at championship. Yep shirt tucked in Michael great job gives a hug. He's such a dork right I wrote I wrote I wrote Carl Malone is a class act. That's it. That's all I wrote. Twitter lit me the fuck up. Apparently you didn't know all the details. I did not know any details at all about who he wants at all and also I spelled it with a C-A-R-L. Oh my god What did you learn about Carl Mellon?

I'm gonna always say allegedly in this because I don't I'm just going off of Twitter I'm surprised that you know that word, but yes Twitter by the way shout shout out to fucking Red Bull. Red Bull sent me a care package of all different Red Bulls and a bottle of vodka, just sent it to me. Fucking, like, hey man, if you need some help falling off the wagon.

How many days in a row are you sober now? A lot, still. Really? Yeah, but I'm not, I stopped counting. Is that regular Red Bull or is that like a special? This is a sugar free, it's only got 10 calories in it. But I am going nuts on fucking red bull lately. You are?

I miss it so much. I love when you get a new habit. I, by the way, less than six indoor showers this year. That's less than six, this quarantine. Nobody, by the way, no one who shares that stat, usually shares it. I'm an outdoor shower guy. I'm a cold shower. I, I, I quantified it as hot showers the other day. Yeah. And Georgia goes, they're all hot showers, dad.

And they go, not the way you're dead. Take some, take them in the hose, take them in the outdoor shower. You like a cold shower? Oh, of a cold shower. But, do you get shit done? Do you feel like you, like, if you're a cold going into it, you can still do that, or you like to be hot and then take it. No, no, no, I can go going into it. Here's the thing I don't like about showers. I don't like getting into the shower and then sitting there and going, I could not leave here forever. What's the best part? I know, but that then I kind of depresses me. Really? Yeah. And so I just feel like you really use it for a wake up. Oh yeah, I get

it. You know, it also wake you up. What? I'm a Clarence 720S with the top down, doing a buck 50 on the freeway. I, we've so much to talk to, write down Carmelone, write down. Yeah, yeah, I wanna give this before I forget. We ended last week's episode talking about I have so much to talk about. All time teams, we disrespected, I did,

I left out Alabama Alabama so out of respect I got Alabama football shirt just to wear for the episode today because they should definitely be in the top five By the way, and I got to give a shout out to burper bird dot com new merch whiskey con clock dog. I like it Fucking yeah, right. I love it. We sold a ton of them already So get one at burper bird dot com new cops, do everything. And then, and then warn staff. Oh, you're at it, by the way. This is such an exciting episode. There's, there's, there's, there's a whole bunch of new, two-bear stuff.

The hat, the fucking hats, they were supposed to be here. I followed up and they said that there, this COVID shit has disrupted everything. So it's delayed that too. You're saying that to the guy that's starting a flip-flop line. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. We have a hundred boxes of flip-flops sitting in quarantine. These are on presale already.

And we're waiting for them to get out of the car. That's the only thing people don't really, it's not like most merch where it's a design. We partnered with New Era, they partnered with MLB, we have a legit, like a legit sports franchise hat. And yeah, they're like, we don't know, I think this is delaying everything.

We're the same thing with flip flops. I put it, I put it, where is the quarantine? Where are they sitting right now? I think they're in China. I think they're in China. We were supposed to go on pre-sale last week free water I have a flip flop called the Dylan. I brought back the Dylan I started a campaign to bring these fuck is now turning this sounds like out info-mercial

Where like guys are like let me tell you something else flip flop the great the hats are coming all right So let's so yeah, so I started I started these flip flops and they're sitting in quarantine They're on pre-sale now. I think I don't know if you guys got a free water get the Dylan, but I You know what it was it was like it this this quarantine will teach you a lesson of don't live outside your budget Like yeah literally there's no reason you don't need the bigger better thing like last night I was gonna buy an iPad and I was like you know what fuck it. I don't know what's happening tomorrow like last night I was gonna buy an iPad and I was like you know what fuck it I don't know what's happening tomorrow right like so but didn't you start construction on the new house started construction you're like I'm not gonna get

an iPad but I'll build a house you want to know do you want to know what they just said to me the other day what with? With a straight face, they said, so I noticed you're changing a lot of things about the house that you didn't initially wanted. We wanted to move the pool. We're not gonna do that anymore. We're gonna be telling them, like, make adjustments to the design.

Yeah, because it's like, it's like all the things where you go, fuck it, whatever, dream house, now you start going, we just need something to live in. Like, we just need a house where people don't know the address. That's it technically. And so someone said to me with a straight face,

are you still building a moat? And I went, yeah, we're gonna pass on the moat. That was a tremendous way. It's the money. You had to build a moat, you had a moat design? I was gonna build a moat. Yeah. That's fucking badass.

It's pretty cool. Coipond, little bridge going to the drive-over. Do it. Oh, maybe, maybe if this, driving movie theater tour works out. Yeah. Yeah, that's a really cool. We haven't announced it yet, but yeah, yeah.

Guys, don't hold your breath. Or hold your breath, hold your breath. It's happening. Hold your breath. Hold your breath. Next week breath. It's happening. Hold your breath. Next week, I'll announce it next week probably. Details. Details, big tour coming. You're the first guy doing this.

Yep. Yeah. Hey, let's get to all the things we want to talk about. Okay, wait, wait. Can we call Warren Sapp again? Yeah, I don't know. You read his, like, Did you text?

I did. Let me see. This is the last one right here. Okay, by the way, tell me if I don't look like a psycho with all the blue scent to him. Let me see, let me see. Okay, I'll just read it like him. Okay, so, this is you.

What up, honey? How's, I'm gonna try it. We're arguing about it. No, that's cool. Okay. Can I send another thing now? Yeah, Texan would say, hey, we're on. No, no, no, no! What am I fucking crazy?

What? Oh, no way! Am I gonna let your dex anything? What did I do? Are you fucking kidding me? I just done the fucking bullet. Have you ever seen those videos of the woman walking with a stroller in Russia and the train walked right by her?

Can I text him? Yeah. Okay, look what I was writing. No, look what I was writing. Okay, okay. Okay, okay. Okay. You can imagine how for is perfectly wrong.

Yeah. This would have been. Yeah. If what? If I just said, yeah, yeah, text warns app. Just then you just were like, hey man. If you had to blow one of your teammates, who would have been Derek Brooks?

What were you gonna say? Can we give you a shout? And while we're recording. You gotta talk, you gotta talk like you want to hear it, you know? You don't have a lot of black friends. Hang on. Yo homie, no I'm kidding. Oh.

Um. What are you writing? Oh, um. What are you writing? We're recording now. Just write, finish whatever you write, then just finish. You know what I'm saying? Feel free to give me a call. You know what I'm saying?

Dog. Stop, stop. You're talking and it's boy-stexting. Yeah, I'm trying to help you. No. You know what I'm saying, dog? It It's just that feel free to give me a call. You know what I'm saying dog Please send that He'll be like the fuck are you talking to me like that? Please let me let me text no way

Come on that is a fun that is a fun I got found a new party game switch phones with your friends and have them text Have them this is just for white people. You just have them text text opposing black people and go all right Here we go. This is how we test out for them. What'd you write? We're recording now. We're free to give us a call. You're asking him to give you a call? Not, yeah.

Then the balls in his court. By the way, this is why I never fuck to Todd it. A lot of checks. So you think? No, if it's sent, it's sent. You can't. I haven't sent them. I'm a, we're recording now.

Just say, can we get, can we give you a call? And then he just writes, no. He said, no? No, but then what if he does, and I feel like, Oh, then that's fine, just, you know the answer. Can we give you a call? You know what I'm saying? Stop, I'm fucking voice texting. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha texting

All right, let me let me let me do no no, I think let me let me let me DM or text a Black friend of yours. No fucking what why no no no no no no no because I know because it doesn't it's not now Let's change subjects and talk about coral alone Okay, so what did you learn about Carl? I learned number one. Um, uh, the first thing I got is a lot of text of a video of I guess someone played him in blackface. Someone played against him in blackface. No, no, no, someone did. Oh, what was the? Oh, I know it is. Yeah, I know you're talking about, um, who's you doing impression of Jimmy Kimmel? Yeah, you should do a pressing. So I got a lit up with those like, well know what it is. I know you're talking about. Who's you doing impression of? Jimmy Kimmel? Yeah, you used to do impression. So I got lit up with those.

But wait a minute, that's not. I have no idea. It was like, anything you say about Carl Mellon and then all of a sudden that came up. Which I don't even want to put it. Don't even put that on screen. So I feel like that was acceptable when it happened. No one lit him up, but now people light him up

and it's like, kind of, I don't know. I'm not standing up for blackface, but that is actually pretty blackface-y though. That is like, I'm not a con on Jimmy Kimberman. That doesn't look like a spray tan, I'll give you that. It looks like a spray. Wait, can I just watch the video of this? Does he talk?

He definitely talks like a black guy. Yeah, we did talk like Carl Malone. Carl Malone's like real country, you know? Like he, think about, he, making that crazy NBA money, he bought an 18-wheeler. you see you know you see guys want to drive a big 18 wheeler Yeah, he sure didn't what a weirdo. He was a good looking dude though big dude strange I had had a had a child

With a 13 year old okay When he was a sophomore in college, that was the most problematic. Like so like, now my all of a sudden class act thing. And you mentioned earlier, you said allegedly this happened. Allegedly, I said all this allegedly. I think that's actually for allegedly, allegedly. Allegedly she was 13. I don't know, I wasn't there.

But I think when you do the math of her out or like I think I think when he was playing in the NBA he had a 20 year old son. Like I all I know is his son. His son goes to a different college, but this is allegedly, allegedly Carl Malone. This is what the internet told me. He was a terrifying player. I mean like as far as physical specimen, there was nobody that could move like that. There was that big and that's wrong. Can I tell you, man? And you see how yoked Shaq is lately? Yes.

Shaq's arms are fucking working. He's been working. He got out of shape and then he went hardcore in the other direction. I want to be I would be if you could be best friends with any pro football player. Mm-hmm. Who would it be? Like any pro football. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Any pro athlete. Any pro athlete, you could just be friends with any pro football player. Who would it be? Like, any pro football player. Oh no, I'm sorry, any pro athlete.

Any pro athlete, you could just be friends with them. Michael Jordan would be a good one to be friends with. Shack would be just fun as fuck. Well, he'd be way fun. Can I tell you? Why do you think Jordan would be good to be friends with just because he's an icon? No, I have a feeling he has no, I have a feeling he's the kind of guy you can go like, we should do this and he's like, yeah, let's fucking do it.

You think so? Oh, did you watch it? I would think that Shack's more like that For real? Yeah, cuz he's like he'd like to have a good time I mean he goes like little DJ at a festival and yeah, Shack does seem to have a good time He's all I would never I'm in no disrespect But there's a lot of guys I didn't would never want to be friends with of course like the ones that take things way too seriously Yeah, but Jordan didn't feel like that like he was like I think Jordan is pretty like for who he is and what he accomplished like at least in that in the doc series you go like that seems like a pretty Reasonable personality to have if you're not at all not at all you don't think you woke up before the finals had two beers

Played the piano smoked cigar And then went and play I cannot have two beers and then go do anything. No, I'm saying his personality in the doc in the last dance Yeah, you don't go like this guy is a dick or this guy is Too full of himself like he seems Reasonable enough for who he is but now everyone's coming out, Scotty Pippin said he's pissed off the way he was portrayed. Gary Payton said he was pissed off the way he was portrayed. Like everyone's angry at the way they were portrayed.

I know Horace Grant's upset. Horace Grant's really upset. He's like, I didn't snitch. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah, and they said that the doc portrayed Michael more than the bulls as a team. And it's like, yeah, yeah, of course. By the way, that's who we went and to go see.

That's who everyone was looking to see. And by the way, you wouldn't have any of the, like he is the reason the whole team was elevated. I mean, it is a team, but come on, of course. It's funny to see Rodman just be a regular guy in the background. You mean like in the footage or like in the interview? In the footage, in the footage just to see like

there's hangin' back. Like him just in like, he seems to be a big sweat pants guy. But like him just in like Pajama pants walking around the locker room, not being a lunatic, just being a regular person. They had cool Rodman storyline in the last dance. You know like when he was fuckin fucking off and they're like, where is he?

I like when Jordan told the stories, like, Rodman said he needed a break and he told Phil Jackson and Jordan. Jordan's like, you can't get this guy a break. Like, he never come back. And Phil Jackson's like, go ahead, take a little break. I'll go to Vegas. I would do that in a heartbeat where he goes. You would be Rodman.

You're Rodman. Yeah. Like, in a heartbeat where like he goes. He would be Rodman. You're Rodman. Yeah. Like where I go, I'm gonna do me. Yeah, and you'd also be like, I just wanna blow off some steam for a couple of days. Go be in a go be in WrestleMania four. You could definitely do that.

Yeah, someone was asking me about your wrestling shit. Like, what shit? And stuff. And so I go, I go, yeah man, he's got, I go, you should see what he's got lined up from magicians and they're like what I go he's really upset because he's magic isn't real I think it is I think it is I might have to use that storyline as soon as we're done with this wrestling heat we gotta get some of these fucking rabbit molesters. Yeah, I was at the magic castle the other day and I gonna tell you something

I call bullshit All right Carmelones covered Carmelones covered my I'm a fan of the way his sportsmanship. I like to read Yeah, the sportsmanship is cool sportsmanship you lose the championship and you get on the bus and go great game guys. Yeah, fucking badass. That is great sportsmanship. I was talking about what losers I thought people were, who were critical of the fact that

Michael was a bit tough and aggressive and kind of a bully. I saw this article written by this fucking soy boy who said that he was like, you know, when you watch the last dance, you he was like you know when you watch the last dance oh my god you realize that you know you don't have to be like the way Michael was you can still be a good guy and when all the championships you and then he cites his examples and all I know for sure reading that article you're like this was written by a piece of shit this guy is a loser he's encouraging people to like,

just be mediocre and don't push, like people who achieve what he achieved are different. They, I admire it, I'm saying, I'm not even, I'm not that guy, but I admire people like that. That can be that driven and be like, I'm gonna win at all costs. I mean, I don't know how you don't look at that and go like, wow, that's something to aim for.

It would be cool to take all the goats and put them in a room together and see which one rises to the top. Like who becomes? Like who gets up? It's interesting, man. It's definitely gonna be a personality like MJ's. It's guys.

There's other ones who are like that, but it's not gonna be one of the... Like, I would love to, I don't really know, Chappelle at all, like at all. I mean, I don't even think he'd know me if I walked into a room, but I've met him before and I wonder what he's got that Jordan's got. Like, I wanna see the similarities.

That's interesting. I think it's different though, and entertainment. It's funny, it's funny. It's not to, and I know that he would deny this, and he would shut this down, this conversation down immediately, but could be argued Joe has got hardcore goat traits, right? Oh yeah.

And also will like not, never be like, like, Don't know what you're talking about. I'm a regular guy. I'm just a regular guy, and you're like, they've seen you you're talking about. I'm a regular guy. I'm just a regular guy. And you're like, they've seen you operate. Yeah. We're gonna different clip than everyone else.

Yeah. But like, but I would love to see, I just, it would like get Tony Hawk, Dave Chappelle, Laird Hamilton, Kelly Slater, like, see their shared drink. And see what's the thing where they, their brains click. I think Dave's different though.

And just because of the type of thing that he excels in, it's a, it's just different. Then you know, with sports, there's such like a clear objective goal. You're like, you got to do like work in sports too. He's like the world. No, I know. But like pod like the way that Joe approaches the podcast, his podcast, that lines up more with that driven sports mentality. He's there five days a week,

he's doing multiple, three hours, and then still getting, still spent time with the family, getting his workouts in, working with these, just doing all this shit. It's different with standup though, because- I think Chappelle and Jordan have the same, the same, I think Chappelle and Jordan have the same the same. I think

Chappelle and Jordan have the same similarity of of I don't see failures in option. I do what I do and I do succeed. That's interesting because Chappelle is the why wouldn't you have two beers in the middle of the afternoon smoke a joint and then go to this pitch meeting and then show up to the club have a couple of dreams. By the way, I'm speculating. I don't know. Chappelle's drinking or smoking habits, but I know that he's not a guy that like, he'll just have like a, I'm guessing, huh?

So wait, wasn't that in, was that in the last episode where they said the thing about him is that he's present? He's present, he doesn't look at any opportunity as failure. That was really interesting. And that's something that I think they nailed that most people probably never thought of. And you're like, oh yeah, he's like,

you're just here right now. Like right now, same thing goes about taking a shot, right? They said like, he doesn't go like, what if I miss this shot? I haven't taken the shot yet. Why would I ever speculate missing it? Why would I, I would just think of how I will sink it. But then, I think I guess the part that I struggle

like with their comparison is that like, you know, their athletes, especially like Mike are so driven for all the work, for a comedian, you can be a great comedian and get up at one. You know what I mean? And just kind of drag yourself in and still be an amazing comedian. So I guess the work way, you know, here's the deal. I remember hearing Seinfeld I by the way, and once again allegedly I say keep saying allegedly just I don't remember totally all these things Yeah, I do remember them that I remember them back could be wrong. Mm-hmm

Seinfeld saying of seeing a bunch of people a bunch of guys that were building a building or something in New York And they were coming back for lunch and going right back to work. I know you you're asking. It was, I'm fine, but right? Yeah. And he was like, I looked at my job that way. Like, I should be working all day. I had two thoughts. I think I've said this maybe on this podcast, but I had two thoughts. I was like, number one, I work all day regardless. I don't, you may not see me clock in,

but my brain does not shut down for comedy. Like, oh shit, it's Spotify. Hang on, they're offering a fucking $100 million deal. Hey, we'll take it. Okay, so, this is that joke almost went horribly wrong. But the other part of it is like, I don't think Jordan ever looked at what he did is like, as like, work. Like, I think that's the other shift. I don't think Shepel looks at comedy as work. That's his calling.. Like I think that's the other shift. I don't think Shepel looks at comedy as work. That's his calling.

Like I think Seinfeld... I think you're totally right. I think Seinfeld, it may be his calling, but he looked at it as a job. Right. A job he loved. And then he wanted to be extremely proficient. I wonder if he wanted to be proficient at his job.

And I think, and I think the difference is there are comics, there are definitely comics that look at this like a job Like you got to sit you got to write you got a like you got to really work at it You got to you got to get on stage you got to do this and then there's guys like shepelle that goes or you can just be the thing that you Want to be yeah, yeah, and be that that I subscribe more to that Jordan Chappelle like I just I'm a comic and I I can't help it Who you are? It's it's there's parts of my brain that are just broken. Chris Rock, he said the difference between, they were talking to him about him and Chappelle.

And he said, rock said, he goes, I go to sound check. I wanna see the venue. I wanna see how the lighting's gonna be. I wanna hear the sound. I wanna know where everything is. And he goes, Dave can just get on a plane land, be asleep, they wake him up, and they're like, it's show time.

And then he just walks out. He goes to like, the different, you know, that's his approach. Like, Chris wants to know where, like, what is this going to look like? And have it have it like, no surprises. Dave is just like like where are we? Yeah, go do the show. I'm not like Chris. I don't think I've ever done a sound check really yeah I just I can tell you what I don't like in sound. Mm-hmm. It's not not to be Obviously, I don't I guess I do do the same size venues Chris rock does theoretically I mean we're all doing the same size venues. It's a theater. Yeah.

So it's not like, I mean, yeah, I just tell them I'm very low in the monitors. Like it's like, do you know each other? No, never met Chris Rock either. I'm in him once, but he wouldn't know who the fuck I was. I've met Chappelle six or seven times, including twice where I've opened for him. And on the last time that I saw him,

he was like, oh yeah, man, I've heard about you. And on the last time that I saw him, he was like, oh yeah, man, I've heard about you. It's better, that's better. That's better that they've met you a million times and then heard about you. Who was I just talking to the other day that said, I met someone, God damn, I was just talking to someone the other day and they were like,

I met someone who spoke at my graduation and he goes, and then all of a sudden I was working with them and I was like, I was gonna go, hey man, who spoke at my graduation and he goes, and then all of a sudden I was working with them and I was like, I was gonna go, hey man, you spoke at my graduation and then he goes, you know what? Guys, like, I'm a big fan of this guy. He's like, don't even throw that hat in the ring. Just be like, oh yeah, cool.

It's like, it's like, uh. Now, the thing is too, it's like, you, when you put yourself in the mindset of like, how many people does this guy meet? How many people come up to him? Yeah, I was just like oh yeah, yeah nice to meet you too Yeah, I mean I I would I could guarantee Dave Spell would not know who I am I could guarantee I don't think so I could guarantee I don't think so Chris rock would definitely not know who the fuck I am. They are both pretty aware, especially Chris of like,

he's really into the world of comedy, who's out there who has specials. He would definitely know. Let's pull it out. You ready? I'm gonna do list of comics. You tell me if you think they know who we are. You say yes, you say no.

Okay. Okay. Jerry Seinfeld, 100% no, does not know who I am. I already know that. I think Seinfeld knows who both of us are. Both of us are, is that a sentence? It's called Sebastian. He definitely knows because Jerry's also

very into comedy. So he knows, there's no way he's unaware. Like you've come across his Netflix queue. Jerry watched his Netflix too. No. Absolutely. He definitely. You think so?

He would wreck, he'd be like, oh it's weird to see you with a shirt on. That's what Jerry would say. If he met you think so he would wreck he'd be like always weird to see you with a shirt on That's what Jerry would say if he met you a hundred percent. Oh Hundred percent. Oh, I'm trying to go smashing but all I'm getting is his other number wait. I want to wait Who are the other ones? Let's go top 10 top Jamie Foxx does not know who you throw us are I would agree with that And I would say I would take it a step further here. that. And I would say, I would take it a step further. Here we go, here we go. I would take it a step further. I would say that he would be disinterested

upon learning who we are. I would, I think Jamie Foxx would be like, anyway, yeah. Okay, go back, go back. Dave Spell, I would say no for me. He obviously knows who you are. Chris Rock, I would say no for me 100%. Definitely knows who kris rock i would say no for me a hundred percent definitely knows who definitely knows who are no i don't i don't think i don't think i'm not saying i know you're not i

know you're not but i definitely think it knows you are uh... jackson felt i know doesn't know who i am i agree no he i i know he doesn't i went up after him he's like um... luci canoes who i am no so you are to yes uh... billburn no does not know who I am. No, so you are. George Carlin knew who I was.

He's the big fan of mine too. The big fan of mine too. Richard, prior you used to give me props. Let's see. Any more feet. Guess what? Definitely knows who you are. No.

Definitely. Why would you say that? He does. What? What? Who you're calling right now? Oh, this is such a fun game. Definitely. Why would you say that? He does. What? What? Who you're calling right now? Oh, this is like a fun game.

There's my guy. Hey, buddy, we're recording a podcast. I got to, we're playing a game and I need you to weigh in here, okay? Because I think you're the one that knows. Is this about black stuff? Is this, is that Neil? That's Neil's. Oh, Neil, just kidding.

Oh, I'm telling you, Neil is the key. Okay, Neil is the key. Okay, we're playing a game where we're talking about very famous comedians and whether or not they know who we are. And we're having disagreements because I'm saying that certain people I'm sure know who Bert is and he's like, there's no way, there's no way. And I'm like, actually, I think they are pretty into

what's going on, they're aware of comedy and stuff. So can I throw a couple of names at you? Yes, now I don't know specifically who knows Bert. No, I know, but we're just going with the gut, with the gut and the guess. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so one of them, okay, I think. We're going through the list, Niles.

We're going through the list, okay. So he said, Dave, does Dave know, do you think Dave has any awareness of who bird is? To know. To know. Hey, Virgin, you ever meet Dave at the Boston? No, I met him one time at the Dayton funny bone, but I don't think it was not real.

Let's skip over Dave. He might know you through Jeff Will's. No. Okay, let's say we'll take the loss there. Okay, here's a funny one about you though, is one time like this is maybe three years ago when you first started to get a little little heat Well goes yeah, I keep hearing about Sebastian and this guy Tom Segura

Keep it pronounced it's a girl. Oh, that's kind of how my dad pronounces it. So it might be on the something I'll take that I'll take that. That's a victory. All right, now, here's the one where I am convinced, and partially because it's been knowing you, that this person actually has, at least knows, he'll be like, yeah, I know who that is. Chris Rock, he's into standup. He knows what's going on in standup.

I think he's seen, I think he would meet Bert and be like, oh, how come you were in a shirt or something like that you know so do you think no no yes or no do you think rock does uh... because rock is afraid of being out of touch so he goes out of his way you know too uh... and also the other thing you guys can remember is like uh... people go on on Netflix and if you're exactly

there's a comic that was on the front page of that's like that you didn't know you'd be like who's a fuck yet exactly exactly now does that mean does this translate all the way to sign felt the sign felt have any awareness of who broke your thing do you think uh... i'm gonna go awareness of who Burke right? Do you think? Do you think? I'm gonna go. No. No.

Okay, keep going. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Tell me why though. Why would he not know? If he does, because I feel it's very New York centric when it comes to stand up about like he knows like Mark Norman, he probably knows Sam Morel.

Okay, because they seize them at the club and okay that makes sense he kind of seems yeah I'll see you I'm a real and here's the big one here's the big one that I'm betting on here okay and and you really are gonna make you to make me look like I know what I'm saying or not is it possible that the great Eddie Murphy has some awareness of who bird is I don't think so I thought you said he was

He does Watch a lot of stand up, but last time I saw him he was like I hate bird christmas hate bird christian and uh... no i like that he didn't know and he can barely news to bastard okay

and that's bad really uh... i asked him if he knew some was and then he did like an a tony dance impression which isn't that but he's Sebastian was and then Eddie did like a Tony Danzen impression. Which isn't that, but he's like, is that the guy who's like, that guy?

Yeah. Do you think Cosby would Cosby like Bert? I think Cosby the love. I think so too. Yeah, I don't, but that is a good question. Yeah. All right. That's all you need. I have a question for Bert. Does he think Will Smith would remember him? Nope. Bert said no. Although he did call me random as fuck one time to pitch a movie to him.

What we hold on a second. Bert just said no. He doesn't think that Will Smith would remember him. But oh, one time Will Smith called him to pitch him a movie. No, yeah, no. It was like, no, I don't think, I think it was because, I don't think it was because he remembered me. I think it was because I was pitching a movie and all of a sudden Disney was interested and it came back to JL, who's his partner,

and JL's like, we've worked with him. Will, reach out. I think, I don't think, will. And he just called you on yourself. Call me on myself I was like yeah, okay? Is Bert a fucking huge screenwriter? Bert, but actually here's a great pitches. He is an amazing amazing pitch guy. You want to walk into it?

He's gonna give us shirt on. Does he keep a shirt on? It depends what the pitch needs. Yeah. Yeah, it's going every spot. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, when it's going well, it goes comes off. Yeah. Yeah. It's going every spot. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, when it's going well, it goes, comes off. Yeah, yeah. It's quite an ordeal. Well, look, Neil, I appreciate this. Hey, wait, I got to tell Neil something.

OK. So I was talking to my kids the other night, and we were talking about, we were talking, you know, obviously for everyone not listening, my cousin lived next door to your family. We were talking about your family, and we were talking about how many, we were talking, you know, obviously for everyone not listening, my cousin lived next door to your family. We were talking about your family and we were talking about how many, we were talking about large families

and about how many kids were in your family. And one of my kids, I won't put names out so no one gets in trouble. But one of my kids goes, wow, what is that? Like, what did you have like 12 kids? 10. 10. I said 12 and one of my kids goes,

any special needs kids? And I went, no. And they went, wow, that's impressive. I mean, that's impressive, that's also debatable. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Neil, I appreciate it. Call you later, bye buddy. All right, now here's the real question. Yeah. And I know Neil's listening to this, but here's the real question.

Yeah. Do you think Neil would be a hundred percent honest or do you think it'd be fun to just go, oh, he definitely doesn't know who the fuck. I think, I actually think he was being very honest. I think he was being honest too. I've already said it at the very beginning. I just think I don't.

But I do think, see, he also, I mean, I was being honest too. I've already said it at the very beginning. I just think I don't... But I do think, see, he also, I mean, I was being very optimistic. He did agree with rock, rock nose. Rock nose. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it does, but maybe I'm because I'm his brother's age. Chris Rock's brother? Tony and I started together.

Oh. By the way, I mean, dead serious. I don't think Tony Rock remembers who I am. But you've been around getting now though, that like you're on the biggest platform, doing stand up multiple times. Like you're, okay, then that's a great fucking question. Okay.

Because how many times have you run into people that pretend not to know who you are, but know who you are? Hmm. I run into that more than people don't know who I am. Do you mean like strangers? No, no, no, no comics, like big comics that will go, oh yeah, I don't know who you are. And they do.

And by the way, it's not, I'm being fair. It is not the list we read from. There's another list of comics that are equally as big that have found success in different platforms where when you meet them, they go, yeah, I don't know who you are. And then they'll say something where you're like, hold on, how did you know I did that?

And then you're like, oh, you're fucking liar. You've known who I was the entire time. Yes, and you're talking about Arabs. I'm at a med. Other guys. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I met a med. Other guys. Zach is a, Zach is a sweet guy. Zach is one of the few people, by the way.

He's very nice. When he sees you, he reintroduces himself. He goes, hey guys, Zach, I'll have an act. Yeah, he's also a fucking laffer. He's like, he'll love laughing with Zach. He will laugh at shit. Like, Mark Marin. Eugene Mirman did not know who I was and did your podcast. I did my podcast. That's interesting. Yeah.

And I think he had heard of me, but not like he was like, he'd definitely never heard of the mission. H John Benjamin. People always tell me I look like him. H John. Yeah, he's in New York. People always are like, I think it seems just John Benjamin. It's H John. Yeah, everybody. Whenever he does something, they're like, Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were in this thing.

And I'm like, all right. John Benjamin had a show called John Benjamin has a van. Is that? Yeah. And who, he's funny, dude. Was he the guy who did the show? There was a guy who had a show on Comedy Central where one of his sketches was,

Hey man, I got a new reality show called You Can't Film Here and it was security card going, Hey, you can't film here. He's like, oh, thanks for being on it. I don't know who that is. Emo knows who we are. Yeah, Emo is a very sweet guy. I don't think Tim Heidecker would have any clue who the fuck I am Scott

Aquaman would never know who the fuck I am I don't think Scott Aquaman would look at my stand up and go no, that's what I'm talking Let me go through this list and I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna say names and I'm gonna and they can Disappear to but these the people I don't I'm not even gonna go with who know who I am I don't need anyone to know who I am, although it does feel good in your own business to have people acknowledge that you do that too for living. Of course.

But here are the people that would not get what I do. I think Maria Bamford would love what I do. You think so? I think she would totally get it and see what I do and go, I don't need, the shirt, I get it, it came off, but I think he's a good comic. I think Maria Bamford would love what I do. She's phenomenal.

I think Bob Odin Kirk would love what I do. Pat and I know loves what I do. He thinks I'm a fucking genius. By the way, I have a podcast with him in a little bit, but I think Pat and his fucking great. Do you ever hear his fucking DVR bit he used to do? No, but he is very, very talented. Sarah Silverman saw me get my ass waxed

when I got my ass wax and said it was one of her favorite things she's ever seen. How did she see it? She was a long time ago. You should get passed around like people would see it was on VHS and she saw me get my ass waxed and every time I saw it would be like, that is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Louis CK thinks I'm a very nice guy. How do you know? He just texted me to email me the other day. The other day? Whatever. It was like a year ago, but. And he said, I think you know? He just texted me, or to email me the other day. The other day? Whatever. It was like a year ago, but. And he said, I think you're a very nice guy. No, he said, he said, it's very nice to see the sex I've had.

He says, really? Yeah, that's very nice. It was actually a really great text. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm just phone number. And he said it's really nice to see the success you're having. Yeah, he said, yeah, you want to get pulled up the email? Yeah, I'm assuming it's in a special folder. It definitely is. By the way, I keep certain emails. Patrice, did he like you?

Yeah, he did, but not my comedy. Like, but in all fairness, I'd only been doing it two years when I was around him. So, like, but he likes me, so. Did he tell you what you're doing with shit? Everyone tells stories about how he was like, what the fuck are you doing up there? He used to know his, his, uh, he, he was very, it was a very complimentary of what I did, but he would take what I did and then fix it for me.

So like, the perfect, I mean, I've told this a lot, but the story of, remember the joke, he's talking about touching cop spaces. Yeah. That happened with him on a plane. I was getting cut off by a flight attendant. And I didn't realize it was happening. I knew it was happening. I asked for a beer. She can't, she stopped and then leaned in and tell me I can't start with you anymore. And I put my finger on her lips. So I, and he saw that was like, what the fuck did you just do? And she didn't get mad at you for that? Uh, no.

And she ended up letting me drink. I told her, I'm trying, I'm trying. I can't do two things at once. And so, let me see. Let me see your phone. I'll find it. I got it. Hang on.

New tour dates, new tour dates. No. No, I'm not giving you my phone. Just let me, I'm not going to do No, I'm not giving you my phone. Just to me, I'm not gonna do anything. I'm not gonna do anything. I'm just better at searching. No. I deal with him all the time.

No watch, I got it. New torteids, new torteids. L-O-U-I. I often Louis CK comes up in my, in my, my dad text, Bert, do you know who Louis CK is? When? No, November. I was like, yeah, that I do.

Okay, here you go. No, that's the wrong one. Oh, that wow, I don't know where it is. Is this like when you saw Nirvana? No, no, this is, I'm just not giving you my fucking phones, I don't trust you. I'm not gonna trust you. I'm not gonna do anything with your phone, just let me look. Come on, I know. I can tell you it was a year ago.

If I promise you I won't do something, I'm not gonna go ahead and do something with your phone. What do you want to do, change the password? I didn't even think of that Tom. That's where my brain is. So what were we talking about in the... Can we see this? This is something I always wanted to do.

Wait, lock your phone. Okay. Lock it. Hang on, I'm so close to finding Louise. 2020, no, 2019. Definitely you have to trim some of this out. No, we don't. Guys, this is what makes podcasting great.

Here we go. Nope, that's not it. Can you lock it and hand it to me? Yeah. Okay, I just want to see. I've always, I think about this all the time. Okay, just wipe up. It worked.

No, it didn't. No, it didn't. Oh. It worked. No, it didn't. If I let me see if I can get your phone to do it. What's your password? What's your password? I don't know. I'm trying to look. It's just like one, two, three, four, five, six. No.

Like my password. Anyway, what were we saying? But how were we on that list? No, Patrice. Patrice was Patrice on me touched up woman's face and then I tried it on stage. We were flying to Scotland. I tried it on stage.

And Patrice was like, that it's not gonna work, you're calling her, a flight attendant, she's a stewardess, and he's like, it's not gonna work. That next morning at breakfast, he was like, he was still thinking about the joke. I think I was ridiculous to Patrice. So to watch me interact, it was real, a real combination of like white privilege

and frappoy shit that he had never been around. And so he was like the next morning of breakfast, he was like, a cop, needs to be a cop. And I was like, what can you go say, say you touch a cop's face, that's fucking, because no one, and then he broke down the concept of touching someone's face. He was like, man, that's a prison fucking move. Like, and then he theorized about touching someone's face

about how when you touch your face, you take the power away. So the fact that you touch a cop's face, the guy with all the power, you touch his face, and then, and then, like, just working from there. And so I went on stage that night, and I said, you know what cop's hate when you touch your faces, and he was like, that's the joke.

So I, but then, but I don't, but I definitely drove. Does the major know you? He should, yeah, he definitely should Does it like you? I think he does. I mean, I you know, I think to me tree and I are on very different No different like just working at their very different level. No. Yeah the same guy Deb Cross no, he does not I met him and I met him doing a show together and not only did he not know of me But I don't know Started to autograph something for me him and I met him doing a show together and not only did he not know of me but I don't mean.

He started to autograph something for me. He was like, huh, what did you want? Malaynino's who I am, yeah, Poussaine knows who I am, Marin knows who I am. Eugene did not but does now. Mike Probeglia does, H. John does not. Todd Berry definitely does. Janine does not, although we did have a great fucking. Do you think that that lady who just pled guilty

to the college scandal looks like Leanne? Lori Laughlin? Yeah. I don't know. You don't think she looks like Leanne at all? No. Really? You changed my fucking password.

Oh God. Come on. I didn't see Lori Laughlin in here. No, but I was saying, when you see those images, isn't it kind of like, right? You've been seeing a lot of different of Leanne and different people that does look like Leanne. Oh, yeah, the other one?

Yeah, the other one was someone doing it. But that was because it was the image was far away. This, I think, looks like her. Talk to him, and I can't find him. What are you doing, broadcast? You can email from Lori Loughlin. It does not look like a thing. I'm not a picture.

No, go back to the list. The ones that are at list. I'll clean this up and then we'll move forward. Is that her with Kirk Fox? Janine and I had a great moment at what you call it. Eddie Isard definitely does not know who I am. Paul of Tompkins does. Gerardo did.

If I had a corner, of course, doesn't. Did Greg Gerardo like you? I don't know. I mean, yeah, I think so. He was very nice to me, but I was so below him. I was working the door. He was a really cool fucking dude. And by the way, yeah, I called him one time.

He was doing Cowhead show. And I called in to listen to him do radio. And during commercial break, Cowhead's like, hey, Gerardo just, do radio and and during commercial break cowheads like hey Jorall just you know birds on the line and he was like oh, what's he promoting and he was like nothing He just called to listen you on radio and he was like oh so sweet and we ended up talking a little bit Heightaker does not emo does Aquaman does not Norton does Reggie Watts does not Dana Gould does not Eric Weinheim does not Eddie Pepitone does Harlan does, does size, I think.

Kenner, are you think he's a big fan? Yeah, yeah, I think Kenner, I think Kenner, what I think Andy Kenner, what he likes is to dislike something and I think I give him a lot of stuff to dislike. I think he looks at me and he just starts pulling his fucking hair out and he was like all I had to do is take my fucking shirt off. Yep. I would pay money to watch. Harris Whittles is past. I don't think he did. John Doer does I think Greg Barrett does Beth Lapidus. I don't know her. She'll come, okay, we're on the list.

All right. Cathy Griffin does, but wouldn't recognize me. Why? Because I had met her a couple times. I worked with her one time, and then I saw her, and she didn't know who I was. Do you push when you pee? No, just let it out.

I used to push when I was in high school. In high school? Yeah, excited of theory that it's if it sound Speaking of Will Smith his stream is aggressively loud Really? Yeah, took a piss next to Will Smith. Can you call him? Yeah, try It's gonna be crazy how much he sounds like a white guy when he's not like on. He almost sounds like a vet like a little smith. So yeah, yeah, yeah, let's just see what happens.

Speaker fell, speaker. Okay, let me go. He does that like if he doesn't know that people are listening, he sounds like a bro. Like he didn't even sound black. I'm just saying you'll hear it. Hey, it's Bert. Bert, you're on our podcast sweat equity right now. Is that all right? I'm pulling. Sounds white, doesn't he? What do you? You're on my podcast.

No way, really? Yeah. Yeah. Askin' 69? Our podcast is our 69 right now. How you doin' man? Good, good. How's Tampa?

Tampa's hot as shit. Ha, ha, ha. This is really strange. I was just talking about you about 15 minutes ago. Yeah. This is all, this is the joke. Do you still get fresh, Prince Money? Really strange. I was just talking about you about 15 minutes ago Do you still get fresh Prince money? Let me call you I'll call you right back. Okay. That's a guy. I know name will Smith You guys drill names, Will Smith? You guys drill names, Will Smith! And I just called him! And he was like, yo bro, what a fight? I can tell you the last time I got into a confrontation.

Okay. It was 2009 in January or February of 2009. And this was a physical confrontation? I was going down sixth street in LA. And I was turning into the LeBrea Tarpets. I was shooting my special the very next weekend. My comfortable. Comfortably dumb. I was turning left into the Tarpits to go onto that,

to park, and there was a, like a Mexican dude kind of, like a, like, taller, it's hard to explain, but like an ethnic dude, like Latino maybe, and he was walking slow across the thing and I'd already started turning and he slowed down and looked at me like fuck you and I and he had a backpack on and I went and I honked and I scared the shit out of him and his backpack jerked up over his head and I started laughing and then I fucking zoomed around him and he went lost his shades like fucko and I put

it in park through in reverse and zoom reverse, and zoomed up to him. I said, what the fuck did you say? And he got in my window to fight me, and he smiled. He had adult braces. And I thought, I don't want any piece of that kid. That is a kid whose parents did not give a fuck about a smile. He grew up with no privilege. That is a kid who's had to scrap his way through life.

And now he's probably in fucking community college. kid who's had to scrap his way through life. And now he's probably in fucking community college, right? Got his worked his way out of prison, community college. And the one thing he noticed is that you don't get far in life with all jacked up teeth. And he's trying to fix it himself. And here I am diverting him back on the path of badness of he's gonna get a fist fight, go to prison,

and goes, I was just getting my life fucking straight. I got my dope braces and everything. And so I fucking took off. Wow, yeah. I assessed that. I remember when you- When was the last time you actually hit somebody? Gotta be college?

Yeah, I haven't punched someone in a long time. You know what I never got to do? What I always wanted to do? What? Like hit someone with my elbow Like did you ever have a really of how you would fight people? Yeah, of course I would have I Still have this is

Guys talking shit in his car Mm-hmm goes to get out of his car and I kick the door on his head. Like as he opens his mouth, I kick the door and it hits his head and he goes unconscious. I fantasized about that. Yeah. I fantasize about the door slam. I've never done the door slam.

No, I've never done it. But I've fantasized about it. I fantasize about it. I fantasize about fights a lot, considering I don't fight at all. Like I don't fight. And it's even more so now that I'm an adult, if someone cuts me off in traffic and talks shit to me,

what I do is I let them win. I reward that bad behavior. Because I know that if I do that, they will see value in that bad behavior and they'll continue that bad behavior until one day they run into a fucking MMA fighter like Brandon Schabb who decides to scrape the fucking cement off the driveway with their face. So I'm like keep doing it man. You're you're you're winning. So you go like, hey man. I go, no I stutter. So like I say I cut you off in traffic and then

light me up okay. I'll be in the car next to you. Just pull up and light me up, okay? Hey, what the fuck? And then I spit my own car, right? And then they go, what the fuck? He's spitting his own car. And then they take off, they go, I fucking killed that. Yeah. Yeah. Do you play mind games with him?

Yeah, spit my own. One time I remember, this is like one of my early, like for me, it's like very LA. I was living on the east side of town. And I met a gas station off the 101 that is like in a, it used to be a super dicey neighborhood. It's one of those neighborhoods that started to shift

into like hipster neighborhoods, right? But there's still, it's on the line. It's amazing the softest white people are the ones that shift it. Yeah, yeah, I know. And they're crazy. But then you end up. The softest no backbone, no knowing how to fight,

roll up their tight pants, skinny, pale, take over fucking, they're the ones. And by the way, that gentrification shit is hated by people of color. Yeah. And these are the, we get it. We, oh, headphones, we wanna talk. I don't know. Yeah, you know, I just, I if we want to talk. I don't know.

Yeah, you know, I just, I heard you earlier, Tom. No, I'm sorry. That you wanted to, I don't know, I don't know. No, I just said no, I don't know what happened. What happened? Well, no, I just heard you earlier say that you've always, you said you wanted to elbow someone in the face. Yeah.

Is there a video coming? I'm certain there's a video coming. I mean, what is it? No, not yet, but... Can we finish the thought and then you'll go to this? Okay. Just tell me the thing. Go ahead, go ahead, play the thing.

Well, I was gonna just offer my face if you wanted to elbow it. What? For us both. Uh, no, just for Tom. I can elbow you in the face? Yeah, I'm a, if you want to do that, uh, like I'm a company man and if that will make you happy, I'm, I'm open to doing that.

Yeah, yeah, 100%. Okay. Yeah, let's talk about it after the show. Okay, okay, sorry. Okay, sorry. That's good man. I don't know. Alright.

Jesus. Um, sorry. So, I've never know. All right. Jesus. Sorry. So I've never had anybody volunteer to do something like that. I have elbowed in the face. Where do you elbow them in the cheek or the teeth? Well, that's the thing is I would, that's interesting. I would think that the goal I would want to do either the job or like eye area.

You know, just destroy someone yeah whole orbital bone Crack this come in wait, what were we just saying? I have no idea What were we just saying oh about you were telling me about your gentrified name? Oh my god So sorry, I'm moving to and I'm going to to work early morning like you know you know, rush hour. Yeah. Stop for gas. And I'm... Hold on, rush hour. But there's an Asian guy in the car. He touched your radio and you say,

don't ever touch a black man's radio. Yeah, exactly. So, as I'm putting gas in the car, I had not told the story before, but it has stuck with me for fucking 15 years. Putting gas in the car, you know, it's probably seven, eight. Putting gas in the car, you know, it's probably seven, eight o'clock in the morning

or something, a car, I guess I've gotten gas and is zipping through the gas station parking lot. Like way too fast. Oh yeah. So as I'm putting the gas in, this guy goes, boom, like between cars and between the islands, you know? And so I just looked up and I was like,

shook my head. And like, you know, the other guy I put in gas and his car looks over and it's like, you know, just like, what a fucking, it's like nonverbal, right? Shake your head like, what a dick. And then I just hear, eh-eh.

And this dude went in reverse. And he pulls up and then hits the brakes. And this dude went in reverse. And he pulls up and then hits the brakes. This guy is in a piece of shit. I mean, rusted out shitty 25 year old car. This is what is great about men, okay? Is that men assess the fact that you're describing his car, you have done a profile of this dude in your head already. My wife does not do these profiles.

This is a fucking, it's a shit box. He has black hair that is like a mullet, like long in the back. He's got on like a trucker hat and he has a thin black mustat, not fully grown in. Like just a little bit to hair. And he looks like a piece little bit there and he looks Like a piece of shit like he looks strung out kind of

So I'm I just hear And he like zips back hits the brakes and he goes what's up dog? Like like that from his car and I and I look up like Talking to me. Yeah, I go. What's up? He goes you actin' like like you know me, homie? Oh my God, this guy already won the fight with me. Oh, yeah, and I was like, huh? He's like, what's up? And this is because he saw me go like this. Shake my head.

He broke the law and then he saw you disapprove of him breaking the law. But then I do, like what you, I do the assessment. This guy, he looks smaller. He looks, I mean, like a totally different class of human. Yeah. And he's in, like, and I look at the whole thing and I just go, no. And he was like, as he's looking at me, he goes, and I fucking rips smoke, zips out of the place. Now, in my mind, in that quick assessment, I thought this is someone willing to murder for seeing someone shake their head.

Amazing. I really did think that. I remember I had an amazing individual that needs to be cast in something. Oh. Like a reality show where it's just like called Roll the Dice. He's for sure dead. There's no way he's alive.

There's guys not alive. But that's like when you hear in the news like this morning at a gas station, somebody fucking shots, that's the guy. That's the guy. That's the guy that's in there. That guy, like if you looked at his face, the car, everything, I think looking back on it, now you go, meth, this is a real, like a legit meth head, you know, a tweaker. There is a way to run through life just head first, like a bull, where you don't bump into a bunch of people until you do. Until one time you do, where it's like,

you know what's like, it's like, and I love, one of my favorite things in the world is I'm gonna sound like a psycho. One of my favorite things in the world are those videos of young kids in a public situation, being the bull in the China shop, being no one's gonna talk back to me, and then an old man fixing it.

Yeah. Did you ever see the video on the subway of the guy, young blood, that guy where the kid was going around, just mad dog and everyone, and he goes, you picked a wrong motherfucker, and this guy gets up, it looks like he's been painting houses or something, but he is a big man, and he beats the fuck out of three kids really beats the fuck

Please tell me you can find this type in young blood train Young blood train fight No, that's god damn it. Just train fight old man. Train fight. It's not the call of the ambulance, the bus thing? No, no, no. Train fight. Just type in train, fight, and then type in old man, or older man. Okay, this is him. Train fight. William Nelson's brutal attack.

Is that right here? Yeah, okay, okay. Oh, this is awesome. So wait, hold on, let me set it up, okay? Because I don't think this is the full video. By the way, by the way, before you play this, we were talking about, you know, fight fantasies. Yeah.

For 15 years, I've had fantasies about having played that different with that psycho in the gas station. That's why, so, because I imagine him going, I imagined him going like, what's up, Doc, and I'm just going, what's up? And then him being like, yeah, you know me, and then instead of being like, mm-hmm,

just walking over to the car, since he's in the car, so you've always thought like he maybe has a gun, he looks like someone who would probably carry a gun. Yeah. But like, yeah, going over punching through the window, not the window's down, like punching through the opening and beating the shit out of him in the parking lot

and then having his car becausly roll back like into the actual building. Just, yeah, with him passed out. You know, I can tell you my fantasy as you told me the story. I told you how to fantasy. So say it to me? Okay, what's up dog? Hey, what's up? You acting like you know me homie Tim. Is it Tim? Oh?

I'm and then I walk up the car. I'm sorry. I thought you were I do fucking know you and you're a bitch. That's my fantasy. It's a pretty good one. I can really quickly go into fantasies Can I tell you a hardcore secret? There's like just some rage beneath the surface but we don't know about I have never ever ever ever told and I'm debating Let's watch this first and then I'll do I felt like just so you know right then you're gonna be like I killed a black person one time Just a person Tom you're a junk people. I'm so excited. Anyway, I don't know if that's really what happened, but in my head. And then your head, I get it. In my head he's been tormenting everyone on the screen. And this is the right video.

This is the right video. Okay, I'm so excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. He's way bigger than that. Way bigger. By the way, he was painting houses. Yeah. Don't pay attention. Damn. Oh, this is aggressive.

Now watch this, watch this. This is big mistake. You fuck with the wrong one to date. Now look, this is the big mistake. He's out unconscious and the guy comes back and he puts his hands up Yeah, he's already so this poor kid Learned Just how long is this? This guy's done.

No, don't do it again man. Oh no. I won't get out of the way. Look, he's going to get the other one. I got my other bucket sheet. Look, he's going to get the other one. What? This dude's so fucked up. This is why you do not fuck with anybody. Is that the same guy? Same guy.

Keep walking. Guys don't conscious, he doesn't know where he's going why they don't have a black woman commentating UFC like this woman here is beyond me I don't know if can you see up see if you can say pull up William Nelson's broot. These are real people. Go already. I already have five separate. How do you pull up these exact same names? I guarantee you this went to court. That's how we know their names.

Oh, right, right, right. William Nelson. By the way, you may need to bleep out their names when we just said. I'm not sure what you're trying. What city is that in? Colorado, I'm guessing. I'm not crazy that I just thought that.

Here we go. Maryland. That was very wrong. Okay. Someone want to read that. Make it bigger. That can read out loud. Yeah, make it bigger. All right, Metro transit police have arrested a Maryland man for assault of another passenger on the metro train. William Nelson 52 of Morningside Maryland has been charged with felony assault for the incident that happened last Sunday around 1 a.m. Okay, who's on the train the Sunday at 1 a.m. So, there's Nelson

punching 46 year old Anthony. That was a 46-year-old man. 46-year-old man. And it was traveling through the and Kostya and Congress Heights station, scrolled down. Thomas told Fox he was attempting to stop an altercation between Nelson and two teenagers on the train, so you did have some information, right?

Yeah. Thomas said it all started when Nelson started cursing at the teenagers after they put their feet up on the seat behind him. The dispute turned physical as Nelson started hitting the kids Thomas then got involved in suffered a broken jaw fractured cheekbone in the beating else required seven stitches for his lip He's our schedule for surgery. Oh my god. I'm gonna put a plate in Fuck oh I just want I'm gonna read this this, I'm saying this as a public service announcement.

This is a public service announcement for respect, meaning respect other human beings, 100% and realize that any human being at any point in their life will give you the possibility that you will be drinking through a straw for the entire time that they put a plate in your head. That is why you don't fuck with anyone because you'd never know. And I hope there's a 15 year old. This is the feet on the chair. Shirt feet on the chair. They put their feet.

These kids put your foot on his chair. You put the foot. All you did was put a foot on someone's chair and the guy said, Hey, man, get your foot down and you went, nah, that's because you're young. And you think you got everything fucking solved, dude. That is the most brutal beating I've ever seen. Yeah. And by the way, it's crazy what I would I take away from it. Yeah. Is that I was like, he clearly got done painting houses.

Well, he was, he had like workmen's boots on. He had like, it's amazing. Your memories, like, you know, like in an agatha Christie movie, they tell you the things you remember, like you know, and I was like, you definitely got done painting. By the way, do we have any comments, YouTube comments? Is there something to show?

Oh yeah, these are gotta be insightful. This is the Canary on the line. Or a meme poster, anything like that? Yes? Yes. Okay. Oh, all right, here's from Carolina. Tom is the exact bad influence that every mom warned their kid about from wait. What's this?

I don't know how to just comments on our on our on our show. Yeah. Oh, I thought this was like, oh, no, no, I was like, how the fuck quit that get up there? I'm just switching it up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right about yeah, respect people in person, especially because that's why and by the way, how many times have you had an incident where I know that I've had them where Dude, smaller than me, or guy pulls up through in the thing and you let it go and you walk away feeling like a Portion of a man that you didn't stand up for yourself. Oh, right when somebody and know that that is the fucking outcome that you avoided Right by just going so sorry man. The respect thing about, like, I've been in movie theaters where someone puts their feet on my chair and turned around. I do, I, I, please don't do that.

And they're like, oh, okay. But yeah, it can go anyway. Someone could be like, nope. Which is just fucking, that's just rude, it's disrespect. I had an incident with, I don't ever want to get beat up in front of my kids. Course. Travis Johnson told me a story one time. Who's Travis Johnson? I had an incident with I don't ever want to get beat up in front of my kids course

Travis Johnson told me a story one time who's Travis Johnson? He played for FSU and playing the NFL for like 10 years. Yeah, it's a tackle that he was at a P.B. Game and Travis Johnson's like six five 300 I mean, you know, he played professional fucking football for 10 seasons. Yeah, and he said that professional fucking football for 10 seasons. And he said that one of the other kids dads was starting to get into it with him. And he was like being like, you know, trying to de-escalate the situation. The guy kept barking. And he said that he told the guy, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm gonna beat your ass in front of your son and he'll never forget the day that his father got his ass kicked.

And he said the guy was like, good call. Yeah, thanks for the reminder, man. God damn it, man. That's, I, can I tell you, my one goal in life is to go through life without my daughter seeing me getting beaten up in my front yard? I don't think that's gonna happen.

I give it to be shout out to these gang bangers, okay? I don't know who you are. I don't know, I don't know what, by the way I'm being very vague about this. Yeah. There was a period, there was one night in my life. I was in the car with my family, my daughters. I was in the back seat,

Leigh Ann's dad was in the front seat, Leigh Ann was driving. I had a few pops, right? And traffic was bumper to bumper to bumper, and we were trying to get across Hollywood. And I don't remember exactly what I did, but I said something like, fuck you to someone who was blocking the street.

And it was four gang bangers in a fucking hoopty who Then flipped a bitch on sunset or wherever Franklin and followed us and it was bumper to bumper But we were catching lights that they weren't catching and they were running through them They were running through them to get up to fucking get me. I Remember this so vividly you want wanna get them a shout out? Because they pulled up next to our car, ready to fight.

And one of them saw that I was with my kids and Leanne and they just went and took off. They actually chose not to pull me out of the car and beat the living fuck out of me. I remember that so vividly. I remember that so We were driving down vine and I remember that they pulled up and they were ret and I don't even know I yelled something stupid. Yeah, like fuck you suck my dick and my window is down and I knew they were chasing us Leandered and other were chasing us. Change her dad didn't know they were chasing us. Our daughters didn't know.

But I knew they were coming after us. And I'm thinking, oh my God, what did I do? I just yelled something stupid out of a car window when people are violent for a living. Who liked to be violent. And they pulled up next to us, like where cars park on the side, they pulled up right next to us.

And they were just next to us. So the driver's side, I was in the back left. They were drivers, I was right up next to us. And the driver just looked at us, smiled, went, no. And I went, and I think they saw it on my face, like, I don't want this to happen either. And he just took off. That's nice.

I remember, I gotta give a shout-out to those gangbangers for not killing me that night. That's very nice of them. And I'm telling you, that's why I don't like competition. Maybe a competition at all, because I always feel like it could escalate into... It can. It can. Into that shit right there. That's why I don't like competition is maybe a competition at all because I always feel like it could escalate into it can it can Into that shit right there. Should we go back to those comments or no

memes posts anything I'll say the way Tim laughs with that face when he agrees with Burns premise gets me every fucking time Keep it high in tight jeans. All right. Thanks Steve Carlson Bert all religions are cults Bert 20 minutes later. I just started religion. God, I love these two so much. That's been a pearl. Cody Vaught wrote, Bert is now openly arguing, why not just be delusional as a life philosophy?

By the way, I have thought about that a lot. Because I was like, I was like, what is wrong with me that I go? Because it's so true. I keep like, I was like, what is wrong with me that I go? Cause it's so true, it's like, I keep thinking, thank God that that fucking turned out, though, did you see that list? Oh, that's. The top 25 comedians of all time, one through 25 are Bert Kreischer.

Shout out to Chase Leppard. He made that. Chase Leppard is quick on the draw. He makes great stuff. Chase Leppard really is. By the way, Chase Leppard, I'll give him another shout out because I know he's going to rip this and put this on his Instagram because he's good like that. You mentioned something on a podcast, like, you know, one time I did this, Chase Leopard

will find it, rip it, put it on his Instagram, and then I can post it and share it on mine. My ass wax, my fuck, anything I've ever done ever done chase leopard has had the ability of finding immediately He is he won a blackberry When I had a promotion with blackberry He won a blackberry so like a year ago maybe more I just started reposting Things from blackberry like the phone. I would like what an awesome phone. I just reposted it I remember and people are like what the fuck are you posting? I remember this I was like because it's an awesome phone. I just reposted it. And the e-mail and people were like, what the fuck are you posting?

I remember this. I was like, it's an awesome phone. And they were like, no, it's not. It's a piece of shit and everybody gets super mad. And then I kept posting it. And then Blackberry was like, do you want a Blackberry? And I was like, I'd love one. So they sent you one.

And then they were like, can we partner with you? I was like, yeah. So I had a giveaway where I was like, can we partner with you? I was like, yeah. So I had a giveaway where I was like, hey, I forgot what the premise was, and he won the black market. Dude, let's start a corporate partnership. With? Name it!

Like, let's just decide we wanna start a quarter of a partnership, and then they've got it because we'll bully them into it. Oh, that's a great philosophy. Dude, I love that more than anything. I don't know if that was like three wheel cars. You know what I mean? You've seen those driving anything. I put that up. What about those like three wheel cards? You know what I mean? You've seen those driving around.

Those are trikes. Is that trike? A trike, you mean with two up front, one in back, or one up front and two in back? I think two up front, one in back. I see those rattling around sometimes. What are those called? I had when I was doing birth conqueror.

Yeah, yeah, the fact grizzly. No, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that kind of No, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that kind of shit, right? But I'm saying there's like a, I was thinking, you know, we should do, there's like a car one where it's all you got to do. Here's the age around it. This is how it works. Okay. This is how a corporate corporate, this is how, let me start that over. This is how a corporate sponsorship works in today's day and age. Tell me, you find someone with not so much of a social media presence, okay?

Mm-hmm. You then blow up their social media and say, like, I tried to do it the other day with, um, with the NFL, uh, NFL store, the NFL online store. Mm-hmm. Uh, I was like, what jersey would you wear for the rest of quarantine? And all of a sudden, they've got like, four thousand replies. And the NF stores, L stores like, wait, wait, what the only have 20,000 followers, I did it with combos one time.

This is the best one I ever did, was combos came out with blue cheese and buffalo wing sauce, combos. And I was like, you've redefined my palate. I can't stop thinking of new flavors I want. Hey guys, hey guys, send your new flavors you want for combos. And then all of a sudden combos hit me up and they're like, dude, thank you so much.

How can we repay you? And I was like, bro, I'm a fan, just combos. And they sent me boxes and boxes of combos. And that's all I wanted, was I want combos. That's it. If you love a brand that doesn't have that much of a social media presence, then you find, you know. Fucking free water flip flops.

That's my flip flops. I just hit them up. I love their flip flops. And I just hit them up. And Edge brings us to a great point, Rolexes. McLaren. By the way, I went over to Burt's house this morning. I want you to go online, I want you to look at luxury cars

with just go on on their Twitter, luxury cars with low. You're not gonna find it through a search, you're gonna have to spend the time doing it. No, but with low-end Twitter, go on Twitter and type in because you know what we could do. What, I wouldn't mind giving away a luxury car. Yeah.

Get them to give us a car that we Easter for a week and then give it to a fan. Yeah. I would love that. Yeah, as I don't want to lose a car, I have no interest in luxury cars. It's so bizarre. I actually, so I'm gonna tell, can I tell the story? Yeah, sure. Yeah, because I'm gonna want to let you record, I have no interest in luxury cars. It's so bizarre. I actually, so I'm gonna tell, can I sell the story?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, because I'm gonna talk all over you anyway. Tommy was supposed to have a meeting today. And he didn't, his meeting was canceled, and he was like, hey, I'm right by your house. He called me, he was like, you want coffee? And I was like, I was like, brief, did I fuck up when two bears won K-Bar?

And so I went out and he was in a gorgeous. Yeah, this thing is 520 S spider. Yeah, McLaren. It is wild. I'm saying like it is neighbor walks outside and walks around it a couple times gorgeous. Which happened. My neighbor literally saw it, heard it,

and walked out and did a couple laps. It's stunning. It's a stunning car. It is amazing. I wish I, and then he was like, you wanna go for a ride? And I was like, I don't really care about this shit, but Leanne really does. Leanne really does.

By the way, it was, she was her android. The Anne was screaming and cheering and clapping. She turns into like primal. Yeah, it turns into like old Leanne. She was like, woo, she was kicking the fucking dash. I thought at first, when she screamed, I thought she was screaming like, oh my God, slow down. She was like, do that again. Go get it. Time it, go get it. Yeah. She fucking lost her shit. And so I'm sitting out front, Leanne and Tom go for a ride, and just pulling out the street,

it was like, boom! And I could hear Leanne go, woo! She goes, I be alludes in my muscles. I was losing my muscles in that car, but, and they go for a ride, and George is like, is there a wild animal in front of our house?

And then George is like, by the way, like, six, three now. Yeah, I know. Georgia texts me, and she's like, what's going on out there? Because you heard Leanne scream and Tom, but I said, come outside. So Georgia comes outside and she goes, where's mom? And I said, mom's on a ribatom.

And she's like, what? And then all of a sudden Tom pulls up and Georgia sees this car and loses her mind. She's like, because Georgia's 15, she turns 16 in like a week. And she lit, we've been looking at cars and she's like, oh god, and then I go on to go for ribatomy. She was like For real Get's in the car. I wasn't in the car But I will tell you I wasn't in the car, but tell I so I didn't know any of what happened I just heard you cross a street. Yeah, and I was like oh my god

I get I zipped out of the stop sign and I was like, you ready? She was like, yeah. And then I go up to the next light and I punch it and I go, it's gonna be fun. She goes, this is fun. I was, because she was more reserved. Like yeah, it's fun. And you're like, oh, we haven't even started yet. I was like, oh, I go, you're gonna feel this though. So then we get to the on ramp and we that's what the answer. The end goes the on ramp bird. She goes it we went zero to 40 and like us less than a second. It is it's it's it's lightning fast. It's so it's so fast. So then we're just like zipping around the freeway always respecting the steep speed limit. And then I you know I find an exit to get off.

And I was like, fun, right? She was like, that's so fun. This Georgia, she was like, that's so fun. I was like, oh, I go, you think your dad would do it like this and she was like, no. And I go, why not? I go, you don't think he would like to drive this? She goes, he wouldn't know where to go fast.

And I go, wait, what? She goes, he would go fast in like a parking garage. And I go, really? And she goes, but then on the freeway, he'd be like, you never know when a car can come out. And I was laughing so hard. She's been, she's had to be back. She's driving her for so long and I drive her fucking nuts. I'm like, oh my God.

Oh my God. She said he would, he would like hit something in a parking garage and on the freeway, he'd be like, you never know when a car can come out. I, I fill her up with the most useful driving knowledge. Yeah. Like I'll go, all right, see this guy over there with the tape on his rearview mirror. She's like, yeah, and I go on a side mirror. I go, this guy doesn't give a fuck about life, okay? He broke off his window. He's not going to get it, his mirror is not going to get it fixed. He's just taped it on. This guy does not, he's not looking for you.

He's not looking for anything. He's just dealing with his breakup. So fuck this guy. She's like, how do you know this? I go just look at him. It's what we do when you size up cars around you. Like I go, okay, this car up here, it's a range over, but it hasn't been washed in months.

That's a fucking liberal woman who's against the environment. Like it for the environment. She has no idea how to drive a car. She doesn't deserve that fucking car. You tell her this every time she's in. Oh, the time. And so I read people on the street based on their car and how they behave.

Sure. What would you have said if you were in another car and you saw me in that car? I go, now that guy has a small dick. It's so funny because you took. And you're gonna pull it up and I was just going on. It's true. It's true.

It's true. Yo, you know me, dog? You're acting like you know me, homie? I, Leanne laughed and I saw and I knew that car. I know that guy, right? Yeah. And I was like, I was like, do I, me either, I was like, do I have any want for a car like that?

And I was like, no, I, but I don't know why I don't. And I wish I did know why. It's so funny, but you know, you and Joe love cars. I love cars. Chris, I took Chris for a ride in the other McClaren GT the other day. And we were talking about how whenever you see one of these cars, you're like, and someone punches it,

boom, drives that you're like, what a fucking asshole always you're always what a fucking asshole And then he's like but then as soon as you're in the car you're like this is a shit Like when you're in it and you're doing it You're like this is amazing and then as soon as you step out you see someone else do it You're like this guy's a prick dude. It's so funny because I don't know what it is that I want that is the equivalent of that car. Like I was trying to think of it today. I was like, it's so cool that you got into a position in life where, and it should be noted that you're not like dropping hundreds of thousands of dollars to drive this car. No. It's a, it's a, it's a press car. It's a press car.

Yes. But it's cool that you can leverage your hard work for a treat like that. Like experience. Yeah, you like, yeah, yeah. And I was like, and it's even cooler for me to let Georgia two weeks before she's about to turn 16, getting a car like that. It's like really cool. It is cool. But like I don't technically care about cars.

And I was like, what the fuck do I care about? Like what do I care about? Like remember when we first started talking about flying private, we're like, that would be so fucking amazing. Yeah, and I was like, I love that But it's not worth the money for me. So like it's not worth it for me. Right. What is the thing? I can't find it I don't know what it is for me. I don't know man. I mean those things I think just naturally come to you I mean, there's you know, there's always like you can go on any like social media see activities somebody's driving a car going fishing shooting guns Jumping out of planes. these are all adrenaline things,

I guess, and it's like some of them click with you and some don't. Do you know what it is? There's gonna sound so... Some people like pro wrestling, you know? Some people do it, by the way, I'm obsessed with this new thing dark side of the ring. Oh yeah.

It's so fucking good. Well, on vice. On vice, it's so fucking good. I've heard it. It's really done well. People have told me about it. Yeah. You don't think I get brought invite you. It's so fucking good. I've heard it. It's really done well. People have told me about it. Yeah. You don't think I get brought every shoot.

One of us steps in shit, we both smell it. I know. Oh, I gotta tell you this one. That's a fucking brilliant fuck. Did I just come up with that? Wait, I gotta tell you, you can't get this. We're like the Corsican twins with internet drama.

So Christina, ever since like the kids were even smaller, especially Alice is now four, when he was like two, 16 months, whenever she saw somebody, let's say, walking across the street, where they shouldn't, or somebody smoking a cigarette, that she goes, that's a dumb dumb, and she would tell, that's a dumb dumb right there.

And tell them, told them, told them, so the other day, he's a dumb dumb. And she would tell, that's a dumb dumb right there. You know? And tell him, told him, told him. So the other day, he's been taking night shits where he like, I put him to bed and then he'll come be like, this is like not too late, but I'm like, he's already supposed to be down for an hour. I'm like, what's up? He's like, I gotta go poopoo. And I'm like, all right.

So I had been on the roof smoking a cigar. Yeah. And I go down and I'm like, all right, all right. So he sits down, he takes his shit. And then I wipe him and then he goes, what is that? And I go, what? And he goes, it makes like a big, dramatic sniff. He goes, you know what smell that?

And I go, it's probably your shit. And he was like, what's that smell? And I put together that what's that smell? Oh, and I put together, it's the cigar. I go, oh, I was outside and some of you was burning something. He goes, you're lying to him, you're a fool. I know, I go, some of you is burning something.

He goes, what's up, he's smoking? And I go, I think so. And he goes, was it a dumb dumb? And I go, oh yeah, you have no idea. I got, yeah, real dumb. And he's like dumb dumbs. Let's check his head. That's a dumb dumb.

It's a dumb dumb. Oh, I love that you lied back to him like you were for. Oh someone's building a fire of cigars out there. There's a cigar burning. It's actually a bar. It's a party. Wait, what was the last thing you were gonna say? You were gonna say something else?

Fuck. Yes, you were. I cut you off to tell you that. For once, I cut you off. Ah. Does anybody remember? What was that, what were we talking about? I don't know. You step and shit, wrestling, and and then I was like oh I got to tell you this thing about

I don't know a son about I don't remember dark side of the ring one of us steps me shit Yeah, we both smell it that was I liked I just like that phrase no I like that phrase it's amazing because People always like that when that whole thing went down every meeting I walked into they're like what's up with that? Or that like it's crazy to now everyone's coming to me like how much did Rogan get and I was like I have no fucking idea Like what like I always just make up numbers in meetings and I just tell them they're like how much and I go $750 million and they're like what? And they're like are you like per episode? Yeah. They're like, how much was he getting per episode?

And I was like, $150 million per episode. Like he's make up numbers. But I think that's the fun of this business. Of course. I mean, God damn it, Spotify keeps calling in us. We got a rap. Do we really? Yeah.

What do we, what do we not talk about? We didn't talk about virtual football story, bolder and stuff. What's my football story? I don't know, it's from last year. He, there's no way, he's just gonna prompt his memory. We gotta run. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks guys. Hey, hold on, do we forget anything? I feel like we, do we forget anything? I don't know. You're gonna announce some shows you're gonna do soon? No, no, yeah, we're gonna announce so soon. That's it.

New shirt, goodaburber to burperburg.com. A whole bunch of new merch. Oh, that's what I want to talk about. The two bears won Cave merch. Yeah. Where do we get those? I want the tie-dye shirt. This hold out.

This hold out. Those are fucking awesome. I know. There's a whole bunch of other new ones. Can we do when we do merch? Can we get me one, too? Cause I love our merch. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I love my merch, too, but our merch is fucking awesome. We we do when we do merch? We get me one, two, because I love our merch. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I love my merch too, but our merch is fucking awesome. We'll do it. merch method.com slash Thompson grow for all that other stuff. And the hats should be there soon. Bert, I love you. I love you too, Tommy. Alright, bye guys. Bert, I'm Tom. I'm in Bert. One goes top to swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur, for topology

Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave There's one cave.