2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 32 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

On this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss the viral "Karen in Central Park" video, Jimmy Fallon's blackface controversy, the best Superbowl teams, and if they would take on Jason Bateman as a lover. The bears also take calls from Ari Shaffir and Whitney Cummings to have them weigh in on these topics.

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That is a vile term you just used for. Oh, shut up. Welcome, Chomos to one normal person and one should I enter rehab? Oh, shut up. I had party hard this week. I did, I did, three nights in a row. I had three beers like you had,

like you told me you had your three beer day. I did it. It's great, right? I had a really great buzz going. The aftermath wasn't good for me. Like, did your stomach start turning and you just like, I don't feel right, I just wanna go to bed. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it's tough, it's tricky. I tried to negotiate that Sunday morning or Monday morning. I tried to negotiate a nice strong cocktail and a polar plunge. And it spun out into, I mean, just me riding my bike around intoxicated,

Leanne informing me that that was a DOI, and then me cutting off this guy in traffic. I rode my bike with the buzz, and I realized that I almost ran into a car a couple times. Yeah, and then you yell at them because you're on a bike, you're like, use your fucking brakes. Yeah, I had a great time though. I had a really great time.

I enjoyed it. I'm saying that what happened was I definitely was like, I need a nap, I laid down, I couldn't nap. Then I was just eating way too much because I wanted something to like soak up the beer. Yeah. Then I didn't sleep that great at night. Then I, so I woke up tired.

I was like, oh, this is for fucking three beers. Three beers. Oh, but I, well, the buzz, I started Friday night. I had cocktails. What's a cocktail? For you? I think I just drank a bottle of wine. Like a bottle of wine.

There's not a cocktail though. I know, I know, cocktails, cocktails. But you think you said I think I had wine, I drank a bottle of wine. Yeah, yeah. I don't go less than a bottle, I try not to. What's the, what's your favorite wine? Honestly, right now, fit vine. Fit vine now fit vine fit vine sponsor one of my podcast

What is it a bird cast? It's fucking great. It's a really great low calorie like low sugar wine And you can't taste the difference, but I mean is it do they make it? Is it like supposed to be a cab or a cab or Merlot or Sra Sera we lian and I I on Saturday morning opened up their Perseco. Their Perseco is fucking awesome. But we're doing a read for them right now. They might as well sponsor this podcast because I really do enjoy them. And it's a great way to know that you're not going to be loaded up with sugar for the next day. And the next day for me.

Especially when you're doing a bottle out of time. What do you, but I don't like how does anyone else do it? Like I don't even know how the people work. Most people like if you go to a restaurant and there's like five people They go can you bring us five bottles one, you know, that's that's the normal thing I only got the restaurant the definitely goes I get one more. Let's get one more bottle and everyone's like I don't know if I know full bottle. Yeah, I'll take care of the rest Just all I need you to do is have a glass. I don't look like a lunatic. Yeah, I, yeah.

I, um, we, I had the, I felt, I felt fucking normal for her. Did you tie one on last night? No, I didn't. No. No. But hair's getting longer. Maybe that's it. Yeah. I did not tie one on last night. I went to bed. I used my sleep coach on my room. Yeah. Have you sleep last night? By the way, this sounds like a big sponsor podcast once again.

I slept horrible, but I slept. Take a look. I only had 59% recovery, but I slept a 60% recovery. I got a hundred hours. I slept eight hours and 29 minutes of my thing. It's just I didn't, I think I was doing sleep apnea. You think you had sleep apnea? I think it was, yeah, I think it's because I drank all weekend

and I didn't drink last night. I think my body was still recovering. Is that, that makes sense. Yeah. I actually loved this sleep coach. I told him he went to go to bed and then I was like, all right, it's 9.44, I gotta go to bed. That's not pretty well.

You went to bed at 9.44? That's when my sleep coach told me to go to bed. And you did it? I did, I got in bed at 9.44, I passed out and then I got up, I was supposed to get up at six because I wanted to work out before this and I was like, all right, I'm going to work out, I'm going to feel good. Six came, I didn't happen, seven came, I didn't happen.

Eight o'clock came and I was like, I know what I'm going to sleep until nine and then drive over. And at 8.30 I woke up and my self-esteem was in the shitter. About because of sleeping. It's no, it wasn't even about sleeping. It's just about, I was just telling you this, I feel fucking stagnant. I feel like I'm not going anywhere and I'm not doing anything because I'm following the rules for the most part and I'm literally staying at home with my family and I'm

not going on vacations and I'm just hanging out. And so I, and I'm not really working on anything. I'm not going on vacations and I'm just hanging out. And so, and I'm not really working on anything, I'm not making anything, and I'm just doing podcasts, and I actually feel like my podcast is getting my podcast, Birdcast is getting better, but I just, I don't feel like I'm getting any, like I just feel like I'm stuck in, like I feel like everyone must fucking feel right now.

And so I got on the treadmill, I ran two quick miles, and then took an outdoor shower, and then came over here, I feel much better now. That's good, that's some some of that. That's some some of that. Yeah, I was exhausted yesterday. I and I got home and I could easily, usually on Tuesdays, it's our longest day, you know?

So we come here for your mom's house, it's like, we come before we record, we have a meeting before we record the show. Then the show usually takes, you know, we do usually at least an hour pre-show, then there's like a break, then the guest comes. Then the guest yesterday. Yesterday we had Sickler, because he's moving his show, the honey dude is going to his

channel. He's going to start doing it out of a new place in Santa Monica. Oh, for real? Yeah, but it's good and he's happy and we're happy. But so we end up being here all day and I got home and I was so tired, but I went down to my gym and lifted and I changed the whole rest of my day. It's, you know, look, I feel like I'm working on a book, right?

And cause I, maybe I shouldn't say everything, but you know, we were talking about books the other day. Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, well, if I was gonna write a book, what kind of book would I write? And I was like, oh, I'd write, you know, like my version of what I think a self-help book should be. That's very funny.

Yeah, and so immediately I started laughing at the idea. And so I just went, I please tell me you have at least a section about sobriety. Because that in and of itself would sell a book. laughing at the idea now. And so I'm just pleased to tell me you have at least a section about sobriety. Because that in and of itself would sell a book. I believe you know it is sobriety just not on a row. It was the whole premise is based off of me and you're talking about the consequences

speech where I in earnest said selfishness is one of my pillars that I live my life. That's very funny. But it's so I was like, so I I I'm reading right now David Goggins book and Jaco will n like, so I'm reading right now, David Goggins' book and Jacka Wilnings' book. I'm reading both of them. And it's so funny when you-

Are you a fast reader? What do you think? I read so slow, Tom. And what happens when I read is my brain starts writing. So I'll start reading and then I'll start imagining. And I'll just get lost. Because you start taking the story in your own direction. I used to have a joke about it.

You remember this joke. I read Memoirs of a Gaysha. Do you remember this joke? It's an old joke of mine. I said, I started reading Memoirs of a Gaysha. And the book starts and it says, I was born on the windy cliffs of Okinawa. And my brain goes, oh, I wonder if she knows Mr. Miyagi.

I was like, what are Mr. Miyagi's gonna be in this book? Yeah, this is about the same time. And so then I'm still reading. So like eyes are getting the reading, but I'm often a different fucking tangent. You're not retaining anything you just read. At all. So I did this, I read this one book, Empire of the Sun,

an audiobook, I listen to it on an audiobook. And it's about Native Americans. And, and, and, but dude, the second I start listening, I just, I think. Do you feel like they get too much respect? Native Americans. Dude, no, they, I don't feel like that, but you know what?

Do you know the seminal, if you're a hundred percent seminal? No, if you're 50 percent seminal, you get $125,000 every year for the rest of your life. Starting the day you're born. Check that out. I made that up. I saw a Seminole to get dragged out of the... Does it tell you? 200 to be given to them after grads. Oh, they got to graduate. Do you know how fucking frustrating that's got to be?

Okay, go to that next drop down people also ask. What does that say? Does it give you a note? No, the top one. Oh my god. Dude, okay, let's says that last year the tribe, Seminole tribe earned 500 million from its gambling operations alone enough to pay each of the tribe members a monthly stipend of $7,000. That's not bad per month. For everybody in the crew? Yeah, for every, but you got to, well, you got to be 100% or something. You got to be like a percentage.

You can't just be, what were you saying right before this? I don't know. What was I about to say?, was I about to say, not bad, listen, this is all subject for opinion. Yeah, are you claiming to be seminal? Let me start there. No, okay, go ahead. But casinos was a good tradeoff.

I mean, for like the way how bad the Indians got fucked, to give them something that is technically illegal and go, we can only do it with you guys Fucking that's a good money for a summer. I mean, that's good money for any fucking American They fucking like they dominate that space in Florida and you can't get in trouble on on a reservation Yeah, we were in South Dakota We'll see what the was it little big horn or a custard's last stand was in South Dakota? We'll see what the, was it little big horn or a custard's last stamp was in South Dakota? We used to check that out and get me back to me next

month. The battle a little big horn was in was is that it? Is it in? That looks like I think we went location. Yeah, it's a Crow Indian nation. So it's in South, okay. So we went to where the battle of Little Big Horn and what happened. When you were doing gigs or what? When we were doing travel channel, we did it. We did custard's last stand. I think I'm all over the map with facts,

but we got on horseback and we had these Indians, Native Americans. But I don't know what to call, I don't know what, you know what I'm saying. I got love in my heart. So we had these Native Americans from this tribe, from the Crow Nation, circle us on horseback, the bearback, and we were on horses, and they allowed us to feel what custard must have felt.

It was really fucking insane, right? But we had to do it at some, we had to get there before sunset. So we're on motorcycles and the leader of the crew nation, this dude's massive. Do you know a big Indian guy's always bigger than anything else? Yeah. Big Indian guys, like fucking catcher mitts for hands.

It's like big ponytail, you didn't have a ponytail. Big cowboy hat He gets in his car and he goes Follow me and we're like okay, we're on motorcycles and he starts going 120 miles per hour All right now I am not comfortable in a motorcycle and I am fucking flooring it out of motor cycle I'm on an Indian cheat. No an Indian no victory judge I am flooring on a motorcycle and we are flying and we fly past a cop

Now I guarantee I wasn't going more than 80 I don't think I've ever gone faster than 80 on a motorcycle, but we flew past a cop Who fucking proceeds to pull us over right now that the Indian chief is going 120 Pulse us over we we're like going to jail. We're going so fast. We're going to jail and the any cheap we hear Flips a bitch in a two-lane highway Does 120 back the cop is up to here? Dude any fucking idea how fast you were going? Indian chief flies up in his car and he goes there with me. Let's go ignore him. Let's go

And I looked at the cop and go sorry chief and we just Dude it was and he was like yeah, fuck that guy. Fuck him. He's nobody around here. This is my land Holy shit, that's pretty bad. It was pretty fucking badass. And then we did the last stand I think my brains all fucked up. Yeah, I wish I could remember all the stuff I did for travel channel You bring up pilgrims with him. Did you talk about that at all? Oh No, I'm certain I am so I am certain that I have I have said Horrifically insensitive things to everyone because of who I am and how I interoperate Yeah, I don't mean that because of who I am in my ideology

And I don't mean them that, because of who I am in my ideology. Not ideology, but just how I interact. I say things that I just come out wrong. Like they always come out wrong. I'm certain I said those to him. Just calling everyone chief around the fire. I was a chief, and I'm like, it's actually just him. I'm like, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, I'm fucking, I was a nightmare.

I was a nightmare when I worked for Travel's Channel, especially it. Are you getting called by Warren Sapp? By the way, we're going to be running gag of Warren Sapp on this show. And it's one day he calls. Do you want to see if can you call him real quick? Again, I just texted him on DMed him

because he said I have the wrong number for him. Did you get the right number? He's going to text me back. Oh, OK. Which brings up a good point. Little, little sidebar, little sidebar from birth being the most inappropriate person on a party. The, uh, do you know, do, uh, I'm watching this thing on NFL network about America's greatest. And they're talking about all the Super Bowl teams about the two the I think it's the 94 94 49ers the 95 Cowboys the 93 Cowboys but they're everyone says it's best defenses that's

what wins Super Bowls at one point fucking that Joe Flacco Trent Delfer said all we ever had to do was score 17 points and win a game that's pretty That's pretty true. That's true. So then what do you think if you could, because you know football better than I do, but I've watched this, if you would have to say, what was the most, the best defense in history? Because every team that won a Super Bowl has said they had the best defense. The Steelers with Mean Joe Green and the Steel Curtain. Best defense. Change defenses, that's change defenses in general. The box best defense, John Lynch. By the way, did you know John Lynch was a rich kid?

No, I did not. Yeah, his dad was like a gazillionaire. Really? Yeah, and weren't sappy to bust his balls all the time. I love John Lynch. John Lynch is dad, that's why he runs the Broncos because he's got that white kid rich energy. And he just walked in.

He was like, hey, you guys got a job run in the team and they're like, we could give you one. And he was like, great, I'll take that. Let's see. Let's see if there's any like story about his. Oh, yeah, yes. Go to early years there. See that first thing?

Hit that. It's born. He attended 20 points. I was counting. 20 points. Two who grew up in 20 points. Oh, he played football. It doesn't say like't say like type in John Lynch's dad. Okay But he said he even him in this documentary was like you know, I grew up with a little bit of privilege and

Yeah, there you go. He's eight years old. Wait, that's the president and CEO Is that the one? Yeah, that's him. That's him right there. Yeah, yeah Yeah, so he's a broadcast company of the... I don't even know what the fuck that is. That is either. What is broadcast company of the Americas? It's radio. Oh, it is?

Yeah. But yeah, they say the box word, then they say that... That the patriots when in 2001 that they had the best defense and Ray Lewis says without a doubt Ray Lewis was like we had the greatest difference in the history of the NFL Well, they're all gonna sit. I mean, that's how you know Sports and all the fans of each of those teams the problem the thing is when you're a super fan of a team You're so dialed into the stats and the facts and like you watch those games and you remember those stopping people on third down for it that they go like no it's definitely our team. I mean that's

the fun of it. I would think that part of that conversation would definitely be the 85 bears because they were. 85 bears they said. Yeah. Great know, they, they all say that. Um, I mean, I guarantee that Sapp will say it was his with the bucks. I mean, the, I'd sapping on the defensive line, Derek Brooks, you know, Derek Brooks number 50, in the, Derek Brooks.

By the way, um, I had, I, I knew, and they fucked people up. That was a great defense. That was my, that was my whole generation of football. Like, work done and I walked together. He walked, he was the, he said ladies and gentlemen, work done. And then they said, bird christ or abracrysh

or next, right after each other for graduation. Really? Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And it's a memory I kind of remember. This is, like, it's also, it sounds like, it sounds weird that they went from done

and there's nobody with the last name with the E. I swear Can I tell you why or a g? You know I or I or a j They just went right to K. I know it's weird. You know, no why why because I was the number one party animal in the country Yeah, and they did not want people doing anything crazy when they said my name So they so they put me behind work done. So they said work's done's name and the place went nuts and you could not hear them say my name. Like you didn't hear them say my name.

For real? That's what I got. And then they did your name out of order though, because that's out of order. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I know, you know how my memory works. Like I kind of glaze over details,

but here's what I remember without a fucking doubt. I was sitting next to work done in the stands, and I walked right behind him. Those are not even questionable in my head. I don't know why they did it. I assumed so that they thought I was going to do something crazy, and if they said work done's name, then you wouldn't hear my name. But I sat next to him and I remember saying, they were taking pictures of us, like, the two of us together. And he's like, you're that party animal guy.

And I said, yeah, I said, you're going to the box. And he was like, yep. And I said, I think he said he was going to the box. He went to the box, right? And I was like, I got a bunch of friends in Tampa, you know, if you want me to hook you up. And he was like, nah. I was like, really?

And he was like, yeah, I think I'm good. I don't do what you do. And I was like, oh, okay. I don't think there could be somebody who is more the end to the system who you are than work done. Yeah. Personality wise. He's so different. He's very different. I remember one night, one of our friends drew a picture of him. And yeah, see if you can see a picture, see if you can find a picture. Type in Florida State graduation work done,

Bert Kreischer. Really? Yeah. I mean, people were taking pictures of us. That's true. I mean, you, there's got to, see, I bet there's, I get almost guarantee if you pull up a picture of work done walking.

Oh, well, there's me saying it in 2019. Don't go to my Twitter, obviously that's gonna be me. Let's do this, let's do this. Sorry, I want you to change their Google search. Just do Florida State graduation work done. Array Spurts name and see what comes up if they have him. No.

How about just do work done graduating, graduating? What about graduating, FSU? You know what we need? We need an in-sell. Can you, is there any images there? How about work done graduation day? There's work done. MBAs, never met the Z MBA.

Yeah, no, I'm not almost certain. I'm definitely certain I set next to work done. I remember talking to him about Tampa, but yeah, but I assume that they said his name. I bet if you look, I bet if you can find it online somehow. By the way, we're already putting it out there. Someone's gonna find it. We have some in-sell fucking fans out there

that'll fucking find it for us, so find it for us and they sent it to my way. Yeah. I mean, I don't know why I don't need proof totally, but yeah. Yeah. You guys have I don't know why I don't need proof totally, but yeah. Yeah. You guys have a lot of stuff. He does a lot of pambitapher humanity stuff.

I can see you doing that too. I did have a tattoo. We did it. I did it. I had to do it when I was in high school. I just got high. Sad on a roof. It's kind of fun to do those builds, though, isn't it?

I, you know what? I, you know what? This is going know what, this is gonna sound silly, but this selfish thing that we talked about, so I now can't stop seeing anything but selfish in everyone's activities. Like, you know, when you think, you see people doing stuff for, you see people's retweeting causes, like white people.

I'll say white people because, like, there's a couple of white people I actually hate that I follow on Twitter or on Instagram. Why do you follow them? Uh, okay, it's just to keep up with them. And so, yeah. And so, you gotta be careful when you follow them because you can't like anything they have on there. But they retweet, like, social causes on my, and I go, I know you. You really don't give a fuck about the people.

You give a fuck about people knowing you're a good person. Yeah. Like that, and that's kind of shitty. Like I don't really, I do believe that that is bullshit with marriages. If somebody is like when people are publicly being like, I love my spouse. They're great. I'm like, I think it's weird that you need to like post that. Yeah. But wouldn't you just love my spouse, they're great. I'm like, mm, I think it's weird that you need to post that.

Yeah. But wouldn't you just love your spouse? And they're like, here's my wife, she's the best. I'm like, ooh, Leanne and I got our 18th day of, or 18th year of dating, our first date was the other day. And you know what, I thought? I should post a picture of Leanne. And then that'll get a lot of likes.

I thought that. And then I went, well, that's a really bad reason to post a picture of Leanne is to just get likes. Like I should be trying to funny. Yeah, it's not the worst thing, you know? I know, but it's, but some people consistently do it. Like some people we know, I mean, one of them, when he was doing it a long time ago,

I was like, it's so strange that he's always like posting about how great the relationship is. And he would talk about that. I'm like, why do you always, you mention it every time I see you? It's just, it's like, and then of course it didn't work out. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I think what it, and this is why I become difficult at dinner parties, is that I am consistently a contrarian. So whatever public opinion is naturally, and I don't do it because I like it, I do it because I'm a comedian, I try to find the upstream swim and go, how hard is this, how difficult is this? Yes. Where? It's very common. I mean, I feel like that family functions on that. I automatically do that. Whatever people are, you know, saying, I'll be like,

now you're fucking stupid. And then, you know, it'll create a problem at a family doing it. Yeah, well, it's just, it's part of our natural instinct. The easiest way to write a joke is to go say something aggressive to an audience and then work your way out of it. Yeah. It's a fun way to write a joke. It's a really fun way to write a joke is to go say something aggressive to an audience and then work your way out of it Yeah, it's a fun way to write a joke. It's a really fun way to write a joke of like coming up the most aggressive statement you could ever Think of because then you shock everyone's gonna listen everyone hears that and then they listen and then you shift it and you work

You out of it and it's really fun writing from yeah process. Yeah, so problem is, is in today's society with the retweet culture and the cancel Jimmy Fallon culture, like it's so easy. Yeah, we see, okay, I've heard basically second hand the Jimmy Fallon thing, by the time people see this, you know, it'll be more than a week old, but what? He, in 2000, in 2000. By the way, from what I've read, the majority of people are not quite as outraged as it's seen. That's a few, as the few that are loud.

That's what it sounds like to me. Okay. And by the way, all that. Now here, so ready as a, this is where my brain works immediately. Yeah, that's fouling. He was doing an impression of Chris Rock. Okay.

He, Nick Cannon calls out Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon. Nick Cannon did it. Nick Cannon calls out Jimmy Fallon. I'd love to hear what Nick Cannon says. Yeah, that'd be pretty funny. Other Sarah Silverman.

Sarah Silverman's favorite Kimmel. I mean, if you're gonna rank the black faces, Sarah's is pretty intense. Sarah's. And she's not even like, like, what other ones rank? Character, Sarah looks like she woke up. Up, back.

What is the context of this? What do you mean? Of Sarah, like, what is there? Sarah was doing a sketch for the Sarah's Over Me Show. Okay. Now here's what, here are the two things that my brain goes to. Where did he do this on though?

Where did... No, where did Canon call them out on? Is this a show? Oh, it's on Instagram Live, it says. Yeah. They call them out on Instagram Live. All these, your Kings of Lit. All these yeah called amount on Instagram live All the all these your kings of lit all these you Road on Instagram with clips of foul and in blackface playing Chris rock Kimmel blackface playing Carl Malone

Wasn't the side of comedian never panned her to the sensitive, but I feel there needs to be some truth and reconciliation Canon who's a student at Howard University says open it talking it all out The preview of that I'm gonna I'm gonna put a pin in that That already sounds a tab itself serving if he's like I'll talk with them And then I want to be the jump off point you're like okay, I understand I actually understand if they go There's a teachable moment and this is some truth and reconciliation. I understand that I do understand that But when he goes I want to be the one that can talk it out on their talk shows,

you're like, are you trying to get press for yourself? I mean. Right, right, right. I just don't understand, I don't know. It's like, here's where my brain goes immediately. I go, you're calling out Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon didn't write this sketch probably. He definitely did not put on the makeup himself in a closet.

Yeah, that's a no. Do you think you did this? Do you think? Yeah, how about this? Do you think? Do you think he went into his dressing room and he's like, this is going to kill. I'm going to put on this makeup. I'm going to come out and do my Christmas. Yeah, I'm gonna put on this makeup. I'm gonna come out and do my Christmas. Yeah Nick Cannon every time He had a bunch of people green like that. Yeah, so like it's weird to you know, I think But you gotta I I seems like a canning got a lot of press for it. Yeah, we're talking about it too

You know, yeah, we're talking about Nick Cannon. I mean, these are also, like, I don't hate Nick Cannon either. Like, I don't hate Nick Cannon at all. I don't hate Nick Cannon at all. The Kimmel one, I remember, that's his car on my loan sketch. Uh, can you give me, I mean, how long ago were these things? Two, uh, 20 years ago. 20 years ago?

Seems like, uh, seems like. A little too late to still do it, but like it seems, but also like you're saying, yeah that was approved across the board. It's not like you can just walk out and do the sketch. You couldn't just walk onto SNL stage without them knowing. Well, but you want to do an episode in Blackface of this show? Yeah, you know what I say we do. You want to do an episode in Blackface of this show? Yeah, you know what I say we do? I say we do, I say we do Blackface, but we only show the rest of the lower parts of our body.

Why don't we do Black Arms, you mean? Like we're just doing in Black Arms? But no, by the way, I sometimes, when are they gonna call out bodybuilders? Cause bodybuilders go really dark. They go really dark. They go like, out bodybuilders? Cause bodybuilders go really dark. They go really dark. They go like, the bodybuilders go, that's how it's all fucking dark.

Just getting that dark. Woo! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I think that is. You see the line. It's Ari Shafir. Should we answer it? Sure. Ari Shafir, hot take. Okay, real quick, hot take. Don't think it out. Don't think it out. We're doing a podcast.

Me and Tom Sager are two bears one cave. What are your feelings on Jimmy Fallon doing black face in 2000? Love it. First of all, I'm a sugar-dung student. It's an understated markets in the corner immediately. So that's smart. Obviously less people are into it, but the people who are into it are super into it.

Think of it as a Chuck Taylor, Congress All-Starers market. Most people want to get Nike's, but those Congress All-Star buyers are real hard-core buyers. So thumbs up for Jimmy Fallon. I'll take my lunch with you. Are you in Hong Kong or you in Baltimore still? In Baltimore. Okay. What are you going back to New York?

Yeah. We think maybe a couple weeks. A couple weeks? Nice. Got a couple Amazon packages coming and then after that, how do you guys open up? We're good. Good man. I'm masturbating.

Yeah. Why haven't masturbated in a while. I take that back I'm really a really into vibrating my cock in the masturbation you vibrate it next next object anyway That I don't know I do you do the thing on your prostate you tickle your prostate? No, no, no, no, no How did my dick anyway? Let's just change it. I saw a video one time and I thought I might want to try that and I did not like that. I just hate you having a detachable shower head.

Yes, I do. By the way, go ahead. Lay down on the path, dick on your belly button or towards that direction. Take that shower head, run the water up and down, up and down. It's a fingerless jerk and it's Amazing You make a video you make a video

It might be that actually your YouTube got dinged All right, well, I'll call you after this. I want to talk to you about something. All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye. I already fear and I want to hear more about how you masturbate. I saw this video. A guy puts a... It was this guy and he was like, and I was looking at, I enjoy... Hmm, I feel like I'm oversharing a lot lately. No, it's fine, it's fine. I enjoy, the porn videos I like are based off of what I see

in porn, so a lot of times I go down on Leanne, and so I will see her have an orgasm from that perspective, and I love it. It's like my favorite thing in the world. I like watching her have an orgasm more than I like having an orgasm sometimes, and so I wish that I could have an orgasm watching her have an orgasm more than I like having an orgasm sometimes and so I Wish that I could have an orgasm watching her have an orgasm with my favorite thing in the world Yeah, and so the videos I like are shot from that perspective and if you have like an up close

Perspective of like you were doing it to a woman. That's the videos I like and one day in the thread it came one came out of said Watch as I vibrate my lifeless cock into orgasm or something. And I went, huh? Like I didn't, I was like, what? And this guy can't get it up, but he just vibrates his dick and then what's up? So he holds the vibrator. He holds the vibrator on his dick.

Yeah, lifeless cock. It was, I was like the buzz word where I was like, it's gonna be on, anyway. He's never finding this. So go to a porn site first and then type that. Go to a porn hub. And so then I was like, and when I was a kid, I used to use like a back massage you'd have orgasms

and I was like, I haven't done that in fucking years. And then one day I did and I was like, oh my God, it was like, it was actually pretty fun. And so then every now and then I like to treat myself. Yeah. I don't know, I feel like jerking off of their hand is almost like, it's almost like racist. No, no, it's almost like eating freeze or pizza.

Like you don't enjoy it, I'm just putting it in a mouth. You're looking for, you're're looking to like step things up. Right, right. But also like that's such a boring, right? Yeah. Wait, did you find the vibrating one? I couldn't find that one. Can you do, can you just vibrating, you could, you could take a lifeless out, you know? Vibrate, cock to orgasm, yeah. So is it like?

And then now read the descriptions, I guarantee you'll find one on there. Oh, I know what it was, I'm sorry. You know what it was? I like to take this back all together. It wasn't this, it was, there is a, there's a male sex toy that I somehow got to me. I don't know what it was called.

And it was, it was like, it looked like a fucking stingray was a wrapped around the head of your dick And I put it on I don't I lost the charger for it But I put it on and this thing was in Sane in sane it like wrapped the cock ring stingray natural. Let's see it. That's not it That's just stingray. I forget the name of that on Amazon. I Forget the name of the phone. You can buy that on Amazon. I forget the name of this thing. Go to Adamineave.com and type in Adamineave.com

and go to Mail Sex Toys. By the way, we are Googling way too much shit in this podcast. I know. Go to something fun that is not... Check in the meantime, the Warrens app text you back? No, he didn't. God damn it. We gotta get him on the phone, boring sap text you back. No, he didn't goddamn it

Gotta get him on the phone man. I'll see No, no, he was really but he said the number you had was wrong number He said he was like what number you texting, but I got the last text I got from that number was Sorry, bro CTS that again That's him. I think it's definitely try. Try calling it. Just see if he answers. No. No, why not? He knows you're trying to reach out. I feel weird calling him.

Like I feel weird reaching out. Cause I know for a fact that I get numbers and they call me in the office. I know, but you're not. But I'm like, you're not calling him every day. If we're calling him and putting him on the air. But it's one week later. I got called and put on the air and they're like, and they're like, hey man. What do you think? It was Johnny there.

We were supposed to do a call in. They called me and I was asleep and I forgot that I had a call in and I woke up. And they're like, hey, what do you think about Tom's podcast with Tommy Lee? And I was like, huh? And they're like, Tommy Lee said he got his dick sucked by a dude. And I was like, what? I was like, and by the way, I'm just waking up. I'm like, what the fuck?

And I'm sure I came across sounding home with Philip, but I was like, wait, Tommy, they got a dick suck by a dude I'm like, I could not do that. I do not. Do you really think you couldn't do that? 100% 100% I don't I know for a fact I would wake up with way too many questions the next day about myself Hmm, I just don't I'm not the kind of guy that can go, should be at a party and be like, I'll let him suck my dick a little bit, let her suck my dick a little bit. Could you?

I think so. I think if it was like a real like fake, kind of hairless looking guy, you know? You know what I mean? And like, and he had a small frame. Dude, I could just, I could do like, we talked about this on the podcast before. We have a friend.

I was the thing, I could, you know, I think I could, I could, like a trans person, non-binary. I think I could, I think a, you know, just say, like have like really disabled, I think missing limbs, you know? Like I think all of them, I would, I would give them all a shot. I'm so meeting potatoes.

Really? Yeah, I wonder sometimes like if my brain would have been like a 500 pound woman. No, I couldn't. Oh yeah, I could. I actually I remember saying this to a guy in college he he had sex with a woman that was like extremely overweight and very unattractive. And he was like he got to do it. And I was like what? And he was, doesn't matter what she looks like. And I went, I go, it totally matters what she looks like. Like, I wouldn't have sex with someone I wasn't attracted to.

And he goes, now, you're being stupid right now. And I said, well, by your standards, you could also have sex with a dude. And he was like, no. And I was like, well, no, you said it doesn't matter what they look like. So it could be a dude and you wouldn't care. And he was like, no, it's a girl.

And I go, you know what I'm saying? She's a girl. I was saying, it's a girl. Like, it's, okay, what are we gonna be proposing to this? What about an Asian guy? No. I can't, I could not, dude, I know that this is gonna sound horrible. I cannot envision myself having sex with a man.

Like, I just can't, I don't see it. I just don't see it. I don't see it as an alternative. I don't see it as like, I don't see it, I just don't see it. I don't see it as an alternative. I don't see it as like, I don't see it to the point where like party orgy, I could never, I remember there were guys that could do two guys, one girl, I could not do that. Guys that could do two guys, one girl.

Fuck two guys and then, or you say, No, no, no, guys who, me and you, would fuck a girl. Which is a team of girls. Uh-uh, why? It's not, I'm not that guy. You never fucked a guy, you never done anything like that? who me and you would take a girl. Yeah. Uh-uh. Why? It's not, I'm not that guy. You never fucked a guy, you've never done anything like that?

Hold on, I'm sorry, I struck that sentence over. Have you never, you've never, like in all your college days, you never fucked a guy, anything like that? Never fucked a guy, ever like that, nothing, nothing. All right, and I'm not, I'm not sliding, Tommy Lee, I understand he leads a very different life than I do. Yeah. And then he goes to party's where it's a rock. Crazy.

He's fucked thousands of women. Thousands of women. I'm not sliding him, he's got a massive dick. It gets pulled out a lot, I bet, of parties. Yeah, yeah. It's a fun party favor. I just, I'm like, if I'm gonna have sex with you, the lights are gonna be out. It's gonna be me and you.

I'm gonna be very attracted to you. Like, I'm all school like that. I mean, I just don't very attracted to you. Like I'm all school like that. I can't. I mean, I just don't think that's odd also. I think you should be attracted. Or maybe even in love with you, fuck. I have to stop. It's true, I've never heard this kind of thing before,

but it's interesting. I've only had sex with people that I've said I love you to. Would you ever fuck a horn? Would you let a really short guy blow you? No, I would never would you let a really short guy blow you no? I would never I could never what if he was crazy tall Crazy doll tall no like seven feet tall no really? All right, I couldn't I couldn't do any of that I got that I just it just doesn't and you never did you never like

you never like you never like Like got a hand job from a guy. No, no, no nothing nothing like I can say I never jerked off another guy Never I never I've never touched another dude's dick. I'm high school. You never jerked off any guys And I was I've never jerked off any guys ever All right I know that that like I get like of any guys. In the high school, I've never jerked off any guys, ever. All right. I know that like, I get like, I'm so, and I don't, I wish I couldn't say, it sounds like you're being like,

it's not old school, but like I'm so, but you sound old school, you sound old school. I was reading an article about a guy, I was saying something something and I fucked three guys on the tennis team in high school He shut up You've never fucked around with dudes and you've never even run a train on a girl. I bet although I Wait if you've been with two guys you and another guy and a girl You and another guy and a girl Mm-hmm you like no, I'm not but I remember sophomore year college

This uh, I had nothing to do with it, but the basketball team fucked a girl all of them Then they had to like vacate some wins. What were you saying? I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing.

I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing.

I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I guys not there the next semester. I Remember I was talking I was talking to a friend of mine. I'm gonna tell you Oh, I don't want to say his name because I know that sometimes I'll just show you a picture of the guy, okay, okay I was talking to have I met this person

Yeah, I was talking to him. Have I met this person? I was talking to this guy. Yeah. I bet he's got some stories. And he's got some stories. He's got some stories. He's like, bro, you never run a train on someone and I was like, no, he goes, that might mean that you're gay. What? Because if you and your boys have never

fucked a check, you might be gay. And I was like, that's not what that means at all. That's definitely not what that means. I don't know where I grew up, that's what it means. You know who, so this guy told me, this guy told me, I'll show you this one. Dude, I am so number him. Yeah.

So he told me he was in jail. What? Yeah, he was in jail for a minute. And he went to the library in jail and When he was in the library He just went around a bookshelf and there's a guy Like face down the table and three other guys We're fucking them right whether they're taking turns and they saw this guy and

They were like you want in on this and he was like no I'm good and they're like guy and they were like, do you want in on this? And he was like, no I'm good. And they're like for real. And he was like, he said he played it like super cool. And was like, no I'm good. And then the guy on the table was like, come on man, like let me up. And they're like, yeah.

And they're like, you know what man, we'd be nice. It's like if you were, they say to him if you were white We wouldn't use loop And he's like that's when that's when he got hard and he jumped in there. He didn't Life in prison. Do you take a boyfriend? I? Don't know that you take a boyfriend. No, would do you? Well, that's the thing. The whole thing about that world, everybody goes, you take your perspective from this world and you're like, this is how I would be in

there. You have no idea how traumatizing that experience would be and how your whole reality changes. Reality is a different place. It's one that you can't imagine. So you don't go like, I think when I get there, I probably a couple weeks in, start flirting. You just, you'd have a whole new reality. And so I think nobody really knows how you would behave. You just don't know.

I think it would probably be something where you're not looking for a boyfriend. You're probably just looking to survive. They survive, so you just find the biggest dude and be like, I was like your dick every other Thursday. That sucks that that someone's reality. Yeah, of course, man. It's horrifying. Like it's crazy that we, it's crazy that we're... Or you know what, you probably would have to like, you know, you always hear the stories like

you punch whoever, you know, the biggest guy. You have to, you have to assert yourself in some way or you risk being the guy in the library, you know? Like Nadov definitely getting fucked in prison. Oh, porn and dog wouldn't last a second. Red hair. You think red hair goes far in prison. He'd have to join the area nations. And then they'd be like, you're from where? And you know, is that my rich? I rich? I rich is real.

Yeah, I mean, that stinks that that's someone's reality. I wonder if they like You think what like what people get outraged by these days? You know like this this Karen and Karen and the bird watcher. Yeah, and then you go There's a dude getting raped in prison right now. Yeah, no one gives a fuck. That's the thing No one really gives a fuck. That's actually the worst part. The worst part is to have something like that happen to you and be like, this is what happened to me

and have people be like, so? Yeah, don't go to prison. Yeah. And they say that and they mean it. Don't go to prison. Yeah. I mean, there's guards there. There's guards there who would like mock you, laugh at you,

spit out. Can you imagine something like that happens and you're like, I would totally get raped in prison. Well, I know, it's like. So do you think me and you, if we went to prison at the same time? Yeah. Do you think we could take care of each other

so that we didn't get raped? Probably not. You would totally set me up for a raping. I would not set you up for a raping. You would be like, Bert, meet me in the shower. Here's the only scenario in which I do that. Okay.

If these guys like surround me and they're like, we're looking to fuck you. Or a guy that looks kind of like you, which does a little bit more hair up front, but not as much in the back. And I'd be like, all right, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I never went to prison, but the closest I ever came was I had to take correspondence classes.

And when I graduated college, because I didn't, because I didn't like. Do you magically all finished in you, all those guys? And then like for days, you're like, oh man, I keep shitting out all this time. Oh my God. And then like as you're like trying to recover, you're like bleeding and they have stitches. You hear guys in the halls going, machine.

Like that. And you're like, oh my god, what happened? Looks like we found our promo for this episode. Sorry. I so don't want anyone to come inside. I would be like, can you guys want anyone to come inside. Me. I would be like, can you guys please just not come inside? That would be really, that's like the worst part of it.

What are a couple guys where actually like, I'm trying to be respectful, I pulled out, and you know what I mean? I'd be like, thank you. Thank you, and they just come in your hair and stuff. Why, why, why, why is so funny? I just ended up defend me laughing. You're one of your jokes, the other day to someone and I go, I can't help why I laugh.

Wait, who? I don't know why I laugh. And what's stuck with you? I get to defend. I have no fucking idea. Someone said something and I go, yeah, yeah, that was funny. And I was like, they're like, yeah, you really laughed hard. And I was like, yeah, I don't know.

I can't help but I laugh at. God damn it, man. And no one fucking cares. That's what sucks about prison. Yeah. No one cares about people in prison. Like they're people. They're human beings. Yeah.

And there's people that just got like DUIs. Like that kid that, that fucking kid that, oh, aw. Are you watching the outsider? Did you watch the outsider on HBO? No. I watched the one, the other one. It's so dark and it's so good.

What is it? A fucking bait man, man. Wait, I watched that. No, you're... No, I watched that. Are you watching? No, I watched the outsider. Hold on, I haven't watched all of them.

That fucking dude. Hold on, stop. That. I started thinking that happened to somebody. What do you mean? For anyone who doesn't know outsider. Unbelievable. It is amazing.

Based on a Stephen King novel. Yeah. And Jason Bateman, who's like our modern day, I don't know what he wanted. He's like, he's so nice. He's like, or some well. It's like he is. He's on the Wilco concert one time.

He had a range over. He, yeah. He, I love that that's the detail you've reg up. By the way, and I just said I wouldn't make out with a dude, but Jason Bateman at the Greek. Okay. In his Range Rover. What's it, so then, what is it?

I like, I really honestly wouldn't let it do suck my dick, but I love fantasizing about gay shit. Like, so what's the difference? Hold on, what? Like, I go, like, I go, Jason Bateman, goes on me on the mount. Hello. Like, I what's the difference? Hold on, what? Like, I go, like, I go Jason Bateman, cause I'm y'all in the mouth. Hello. Like, I like that playfulness of it.

Yeah. But I really wouldn't let a dude suck my deck at a party. Now you're Jason Bateman? I mean, that's a different thing. Like, like, if Jason Bateman's like, I've never got to, I just, anyone to do this, but I really want to suck your deck. I'd be like, probably, if Jason Bateman would let dude suck, by the way, Jason Bateman will let Dude suck his dick.

Like, you think he would let Dude suck his dick? Yeah, he's liberal. He's like liberal like that. Like, he, like, I guarantee you, if Jason Bateman, if you ask Jason Bateman, if you get a chance, oh, let's do a two bears red one man cave. Hold on, hold on. Let's do a two bears red man one, one cave, one cave red carpet event. Okay, where we get a representative Josh Potter

to ask our questions to people on the red carpet. Hey Josh Potter, two bears, one cave. Jason Bateman, would you ever do it, talk your dick? Yeah, yeah, I'm cool with that. Like questions that we've gone back and forth. It would be great to get Potterter on the red carpet actually get Potter on the red carpet to ask questions that we've dealt with and

And like so then we could say We could have this conversation go hey, you know remember we visited that conversation of whether or not But that's almost like it's dick Tommy Lee said he would or he did Jason Bateman was a little taken off guard at the Bateman mere for trolls America was a little taken off guard at the bateman mere for trolls America. We've got both his kids with him. He would dip out of that interview so fast. Think about it right now.

If you're being honest in Jason Bateman's right here and you were like, Hey man, would you ever consider letting him do talk to your dick? How would Jason Bateman answer? He would number one say, I think he would immediately look at his surroundings be like, I don't know if this is really where I want to be right now.

No, no, no, but let's say he can't, like, what would Jason Bateman say? He would say, I'm married. Right. That's his out. Yeah. And you will actually, that's not the scenario we're talking about. Yeah. We're talking about-

Stop thinking about your fucking wife. We would say that, okay. Because that's not the scenario we're playing with right now. Right, right, right. Basically, you're asking someone, could you be bisexual technically, right? I guess so, yeah. So Jason Bateman, could you see yourself being bisexual?

Cause I feel guilty saying no. Like I feel bad saying. You know who's friends with Bateman? Neil Brennan. No, Whitney Cummings. Woo! Who do you think she'd answer first? Me or you? I don't know. Should we call her? You want to call her at the same time? Yeah. Why don't you just call her? It would be funny if she didn't answer your call and then she answered she's fine though.

She lives in the fucking sticks What if she what if I what if she answers and she was what are you wearing? I'm like I'm I'm on your own speaker. She's like you're a fucking guy bird See like women would let girls go down on them Let's just let's just see if she answers me, roadbick. Just for fun. If she does, she's dead to me. Okay.

If it was like first ring, she's like, hey, Tom. God, I wish that happened so badly right now. He comes with Jason Bayman. She's friends with everybody. But friends, or is it just like, no, she's a collector's friend? I've been so badly right now. I don't think he comes with Jason Bateman. She's friends with everybody. But friends, or is it just like, like, she's a collector's friend? No, no, no, she's just, you know.

Come on, you can't. What, like, I wonder who else we know that knows Jason Bateman? But like, when he's friends with Howard Stern, what? Yeah. You think Howard Stern would let a girl talk his dick? I dick I don't think he wants to know but not wants to the question is if you're at a party Are you open-minded enough? Wait, but what part of that is something the one Tommy Lee was that like Tommy Lee Whitney

Come and call me back. All right. Here we go. Hey Whitney. You're on a podcast with Tom Siger and Berkrycer Big fan big fan of the show we both we were both hoping you would answer one of the calls and not the others so that we could go. Yeah. I did. I just did. I just did. I just did. Um, then I have you blocked. Great. Oh, nice. Hey, hey, when you're our question of the answer I wanted, we are, uh, you blocked me. of the answer I wanted. We are, uh, you blocked me. He didn't ring when you called. I don't know what happened.

Okay. So we're talking. I didn't discontinue our fair time. I'm friends with your wife. Stop following me. Sorry. Sorry. Okay.

That's one of our questions. If you could have a fair with me or Tom. The, uh, that's not the question. That's a hard one actually. How is that hard? The fuck up and let her answer it, Tom. It's probably a soft one actually. That's the way it's burnt, right?

It's gotta be me. Yeah, we have a lot in common. Okay, Whitney, here's our real question. So Tommy Lee was on Tom's podcast with his wife. And Tommy Lee said, Brittany Berlin long who you knew growing up right? I did yeah, I used to work with her in Philadelphia when we were teenagers Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, no Tommy said that you know in all his sexual experiences that yes, of course at once a dude blew him and he didn't really like It was wasn't a big deal and I had said

It was wasn't a big deal and I had said Okay, I had said I would not let a dude blow me that it would I wouldn't be able like I I just couldn't do that That I could not see myself as bisexual that I'm a little old school and Tom saying that that's kind of a little Passay no now here's where our question lands, okay? By the way, I miss you's word passay. I know that um Jason Bateman do you think Jason Bateman, do you think Jason Bateman would let a dude blow him? Is he that open-minded? And first question, second question, how would he handle that answer? I think Jason Bateman does not want you to suck his dick if that's the question. Would he let a dude add a fun party, not in a marriage?

Would he let a dude blow him, is he that open-minded? Third question, could you just patch him in right now? I'm just gonna say, he might let a dude blow him, it's not gonna be either of you. Well, that's our fourth question. If he was gonna blow either of us, which one do you think he leaned towards? Neither, I mean, he'd feel like hearty might be on deck here jason st

and neither of you are in the running wait a minute don't we kind of look like those guys that you just said our two are two doppelgangers answers no uh... nothing like that really something wrong with me that i could not uh... see myself letting a guy blow me with me but can i have to go because I've talked about this

with other guys? Was there a woman present? Was this a threesome? Are you just a guy just sucked your dick? Who? Saguaro. No, no, no, Tom, Tom saying that he would allow a dude to blow me.

I said, I said, what's the guy look like? And I'm saying I actually really honestly don't think I could ever imagine a serenity area where I'd let it go below me not even an agent he said uh... you know i'd like to be a little osman's like what is this almost made the most horrific joke ever and and if there's another woman president I'm gonna stop you there Whitney. It would ruin our marriage forever. I could not, I could not, I couldn't,

I, we wouldn't get past that conversation because I would shut down. I couldn't even, I actually couldn't even let Liam bring another woman in the bedroom. That would ruin our marriage. So what, because here's the thing, I'm gonna stop you there Whitney, I'm gonna stop you there Whitney.

It would ruin our marriage forever. I could not, I could not, I couldn't, I couldn't, I, we wouldn't get past that conversation because I would shut down. I couldn't even, I actually couldn't even let Liam bring another woman in the bedroom, that would ruin our marriage. So what, because here's the thing, that question is, can if you're having a threesome with your wife or whatever, if a man just sucks your dick, is that okay? As long as there's a naked woman around.

Sure, no, I couldn't let a man in the bedroom with me and my wife, that would not have. What if it's a big fucking strong black eye? That's huge dick. Exactly the kind I couldn't let a man in the bedroom with me and my wife that would not have. What if it's a big fucking strong black? I got huge dick. Exactly the kind I wouldn't let in. Oh, I wouldn't let any man in, but I wouldn't let I wouldn't let a guy with a bigger dick in there with me. No, but it's huge. I'd say Bruno Mars and you were at a party wasted And he just starts jerking you off. Yeah, no, okay. All right, I'm already out. I'm already out.

That sounds fun. What's the address? What time? Because here's what I'll say. Here's my guess. I am great at sucking a dick. I'm not gonna lie. It's one of my strong suits.

I'm Shaleanne and Christina. I hear also champions. I still think we probably... Found our second promo for the show. Blue shoe. Which is that I think men are way better at hand jobs than women. I think if a guy started giving you a hand job, you'd be like, holy shit. Let me give you a hand job. Let me give you a hand job. I'll let you give me a hand job. All right. I've got manner better at hand jobs and blow jobs in webinar. Oh yeah, of course, yeah.

It's the same reason the Italian women can make meatballs. They've been doing their whole lives. So what I say is if you can get over the, you know, I can't get over it. That's my problem. I would wake up the next day. He can't get over it. What does that mean? He does that mean he feels like he feels like

bateman can help him get over it you know that's right jason bateman yeah i don't think jason but jason bateman has a beautiful wife he had quite a quite a time in hollywood in the glory days i think he's got everything out of his system i i certainly know he's not going to drive the fuck either of you. I'll take a word on that. I think he was like, I don't think he wants to run around and be like, yes, I just suck with a machine, a racist machine.

What did you say? I just suck the dick of a racist machine. Oh God. Hey, here's my question. What do you do with your dogs during sex? I put them in trades because they'll like calm they spell it a mile away and they'll go straight for the inner thigh and try to lick off that Oh God, hey, go ahead, go ahead. What we got? No, you're saying better things than me. I'm really fucking of that and he doesn't care but I have to put them away because they feel like my children It feels like a weird reason with children. You're You're fucking a vet. A vet, but wait, which war are we talking like Korean war? Which, I'm sorry, I'm better in the area.

Oh. That's a marion. I thought it was like, I thought it was an American hero. No, no, no, no, no. He's seen so much battle. He doesn't care about the dogs. I don't get turned on by American heroes. Oh, wait, Whitney, that sounds like the perfect match for you.

Maybe, maybe he works down a little bit, I think so too. Do you guys, is all you're flirting about like horse care and shit and like what the, where to walk them? Kind of, I'm like, can you exercise my dots in old glands? Oh, someone's presenting her vagina to me, huh? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Um, I mean, look, it chills Brandon Shaw single again. Ha ha ha ha ha. And we, uh, we really would love to meet Jason.

If you ever want to help us with that, thank you very much. Hey, so yeah, yeah, yeah, Whitney. OK, so you guys love Jason. Yes, yes. So, so if Jason wanted to suck your dick, if Jason was just at a party, say you guys were like at a Emmy party up front, something, he was drunk, your drunk, he started to give you a hand job. Would you stop him? I definitely would not stop him and I would just be like,

hey man, can we talk about like filmmaking next, you know? But do you want him to be his character in Ozark? I don't want him to be his character. I just wanted to break down story and like, you know, how he approaches a script. I think it'd be a great learning experience. And if he needs to do that through a hand job, I'm fine with it. So this is not about sexual physical traction.

This is about being turned on by his mind. His talent. Yeah, that's where we go. As I say, I could not have sex with someone if I wasn't Emotionally involved or a love or attracted in times like us just gay You know, I'm starting to miss toxic masculinity a little bit. Thank you Whitney. Thank Thank you. I gotta do a podcast with this chick every week. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm for me it's that I'm just like he's really doing such incredible Work right now like what he's putting out. I was talking. You know, I love Ozark The outsider is unbelievable and I didn't I didn't even know about I just stumbled on that

Saw him in it then realize he's producing and he was directing the first few episodes So I just think the dude is an incredible talent and then Bert was like I'd love to suck his dick. That changed the whole thing. I don't know where, I don't know how I got on this fucking subject. But yeah, but no, we were saying, oh, I'd say I was, we were flirting so I was saying that Jason Bateman, I saw

him in a Wilco concert once. That's right. And he had a range rover. Yeah. And I kind of batted my eyes and then I was like, but I've already said, I wouldn't let him suck my dick. And then Tom's like, well, would you? And I was like, I don't know.

And we talked about prison and how. Yeah, prison. No one cares about those guys getting assaulted. He gave me, uh, Jason gave me some of the best advice anyone's ever given me about directing a movie. He said, there's the movie you write, the movie you shoot, the movie you edit. Put that in the spank bag, Tom. Nice.

You write. Hey, give me some, hey, give me some advice so that I can flip that back. I'll go, Whitney, come, he's giving me some great advice one time. Give me some advice, Whitney, I feel stagnant right now in my career. You do? That's because we're in a pandemic. Yeah, I know. We're all stagnant. We can't fucking leave our houses in I have miss rebirth your stagnant Every day you start a new podcast you're fine You you can't you can't afford to be a little more stagnant you want to hear how stupid I am Whitney I I rented a beach house in Malibu for me and the girls this weekend

Oh my god and and it's not as nice as a Oh my god and and it's not as nice as a The girls are like dad it doesn't have a pool and I was like yeah, and they're like so we're just going to a house It's not as nice as our house Shout just a weird how about this I was talking to a guy recently who has a girlfriend Comedient who has a girlfriend, but doesn't want to move in with her yet So he got her like a little shitty house to live in And he calls it the stab in cabin. Oh, man. Oh, wow. Wait. This is a comic is putting a girl in a and he got her a place Yes, so you do not deliver there. That's crazy. Oh my god

I by the way, I know I know I'm almost figuring out I know who that is. Well, I'm I miss hanging out with you Whitney Dido, can I just ask you one last question because I'm obsessed with who guys think are hot? Who is the physically most attractive actor to you? Oh, by the way, I was gonna say you and that fucking bathing suit that was like all slapily put on. Holy shit This is what I'm talking about Did you see this picture? Get a comeback. Get a comeback. There was whatever picture you posted on Instagram the other day

with you in that bathing suit that was like kind of all over the place. There it is. I actually looked at that more than I would like to share. Like I was like, because it's my, it's, it's, it's my, I'm, it's a great picture, Whitney. You know what I, you know why? Because for those it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it was. I recognize the background. I know exactly where that photo was taken.

It is. It was almost a front of your house. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great photo, Whitney. Wearing a helmet, I have like bruises on my legs. I have like sunburned. That's like I feel like every, like, like, milk in your neighborhood growing up.

Well, well, you made Burt's day. He's still talking about it right now. Yeah. Well, okay, what's the hottest actor to you? It's Jason Bateman mentally, who is it physically? I mean, I like Brad Pitt's, everyone's go to. Dude, I'll tell you, it's Idris, Idris Alba. Really?

Yeah, that dude's a fucking stud. But with COVID or without? I like him just recovering. So he's a little vulnerable, you know? He needs me to bring him soup and shit still. I was gonna say the rock, but then if the rock was like, hey man, you might not give you a hand job. I was like, how about we use my hand

and you grab my wrist? Last time I was one of those chrysal and fucking pauses from all the weightlifting. Yeah. Calist fucking catchers met at his You think he's like a good nice lover though like a no sit-it lover. He's a tender lover at all. No everything turns into a workout with him Yeah, he would break would you have sex with a rock Whitney? He is so I don't like hard Then like that. It's hard to, um, talk and I just looked at each other

like that's what we're talking about. Like, it's just, it's hard to get a grip and they're so oily. It's like trying to, um, you know, when you get stuck on a water slide and you try to stop it. Ha ha ha ha. Oddly enough, we do know what that's like.

Ha ha ha ha. You know, and you're like, no, no, you're trying to stop and not go down Yeah, it's like a king's dominion or whatever. So it's like that. It's like a giant slippery water slide You can't you can't you can't get a grip wait Whitney Whitney who's your celebrity guy who's like the the celebrity crush? I really like the guy from the Suns of Anarchy. Who? Charlie Hunan?

Yeah, Hanam. Hanam. That was, okay, easy racist. Hanam. Jesus. Hanam. I'm gonna give up, I think. I did the guy with the Chinese virus.

This guy? Wait, this guy's fucking yoke. Just like the rock More he's not he doesn't have he's not the consistency of a marble floor. Oh, okay, I look pretty fucking I Think I like it Tom Hardy's very hot. Mm-hmm. He's also very funny I like Batman. Batman's very hot. Justin Thoreau. Justin Thoreau is. Yes, you do.

Which one is Justin Thoreau? A movie's in. There he is. You know what I think the hottest. Oh, yeah, he's Justin. Who I've never heard of Justin Thoreau in my life. Who is he? Yes, you are. Yeah, he's an actor.

Who's what movie's in? Did you see the leftovers? Nope. Yeah, I tapped out of that after a while. Jesus. You know who is the hottest to me? Who? Who? Is Robert, Robert Downey Jr. Uh, well, if you, if you bring the right proper face swap,

you can have sex with Adam Ray and he does a great Robert Downey Jr. Has anyone been watching that? No. His Robert Downey Jr. is pretty fucking spot on on Instagram. He's a good actor, man. Um, really? Yeah. Whitney, here's on on Instagram. He's a good actor man. Um really? Yeah, Whitney, here's what I'm here's my plan. Leanne and I get divorced. I'm going to start dating you but in a Camp I mean love kind of way right so what I'll do is Nope, nope, nope, no, you have no say because you're not it's not real We're just gonna do it in a camp I mean love way where I

Date you but I go to all the Hollywood parties and then I just tear through your list of celebrity friends. Who are all like, why don't we, I know Whitney's got her shit together. He's gotta have something, and I'm right. Like Whitney's got, wouldn't pick a loser. You guys would be a great couple. Whitney, I think you and, you and Bert would be a great couple. I think so too.

I think I, that is a compliment, because it makes me feel like I have similarities to Liam and I love Liam. Oh, I just thought it meant like you're really down to earth. You know what I mean? Like you're not a big phony, you know? Are you calling me fat? What are you just saying? No! This is your fault. No, I'm saying like... You really salted the earth type, you know?

So okay, so if we were dating Whitney and I woke up, say around 11 o'clock, right? Mm-hmm. And, and with that. She's already done an accresting to work out and all this shit. It's like the rescue to couple animals. Saw the coyote.

Got on a hank with shop. Yep. Um, 11 a.m. Okay, so you've already recorded six podcasts. This is what you know, this is what Whitney. This is with Whitney and I did it. This is first week end of first weeks. You go, okay, I don't get it.

How are you successful at all? You don't do anything all day. Can you put some fucking shoes on Jesus? Yeah, no, he'd be like, I like flip flops. I'm gonna show her outside, Whitney. Yeah, I don't know. I, I like flip-fl it. Oh, no, okay Oh, no Tom Tom just heard that for the first time. That was a secret Hey, your pubes are all gone. No, no, no, I shave Leanne's pubes. Oh, and and that is not for common knowledge

Okay, I told it on with these five guys. Well no one's gonna see this Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm pretty fucking good at it, too. Really? You shave my pubes? I would shave your pubes in a fucking heartbeat. Do you want to do an ad for man scaped? Yeah, and I will shave your pubes? Sure Let's do it. Oh good. Yeah. Oh god damn it. I just got the nose the man scaped nose thing which could probably fit your deck, right? Ooh, yeah, probably probably Hey, I'm gonna, hummada, hummada. Hummada, hummada. By the way, I know so much about you

because of your Instagram, I saw them when they waxed your nose hairs. Yes, I don't play around. I mean, it's amazing how much you know about your friends without seeing them at all. I am hairless, virtually hairless, like a seal. Well, this is great. I don't know if you if you want to if you're done talking to your girlfriend,

can we just wrap this up so you can go with me. It was great talking to you. Love you. Love you too. I picked out if you call. You would have. Yes. Well, I texted Virtus now and lied and told him I was on a Zoom call.

Yeah. Uh. Well, I wrote. on a Zoom then. No. Let me just see something. What do you see? I'm fucking locked up man. I did it? Yeah.

It did. Nice, nice, nice, nice. Can I use your phone for a minute? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me tweet for you. No, I would never let that happen. Why? Because it would just...

Because it would be a nightmare. What was you tweet? Top five chances you get to tweet from me. What do you tweet? I mean, I would start off just being like thinking about showering inside today. That'd be one. Okay. Number two. Yeah. Choose control. Thanks. Yeah. Okay. There you go. There we go. It's amazing how what we used to do this like when we were like young. We just get any others, Twitters and say the most horrific things. Yeah, no, we can't. And now it would ruin our careers. Like, go for Christ, we're tweeted.

I would not ruin you. I wouldn't do something like that. Yeah, because because you would think that it wouldn't, because you know, you could go, it was just me. It was like when Jim carried tweeted all this shit. And he was like, my account was hacked, guys. Did he do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He tweeted a bunch of shit. I think, I don't know, I'll legit leave. Finally, I'll say this, there is some new to bear stuff

in the store, the Hatsude. I tried to get an update. Nothing. They said we still want to, I think their whole operations are delayed, you know, for all that stuff. Oh for real? Yeah. Yeah. So for people asking me, I get asked every day.

All right here. Sorry. Well, what are you gonna do? Let's cover anything we didn't cover today. We gotta go. We do. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you for watching. We'll see you next week. Bye bye. The booze amateur, for topology, dirty jokes, Rancho Himmer, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.

["Pomp and Circumstance"]