2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 34 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: June 15, 2020

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing their hair loss and weight gain over the years. Tom shares YMH All-Star Robert Paul Champagne's cool new content with Bert. Then Bert breaks down his new favorite commercial. They also discuss losing their virginity, decaf coffee, men's wigs, 85 South, and UTIs. Also, the 2 Bears baseball caps are available sooner than you think!

This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best.

This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best.

This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best.

This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. perfect way to start off, they show. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. I'm gonna put it in front of everyone. It's gonna help him make it a hell. It's 100%. 100%. Plasma you donated. Plasma too?

God, you're helping everybody. It's great to be back. Two bears won't cave. Two bears won't cave. Two bears won't cave. With a known philanthropist. Guys, I didn't shower today. So I got a crud. Now, they already saw it.

Leave it up, man. This looks awesome. It drives me nuts. We let him see it for a few minutes. Yeah. It's just fucking so ridiculous. It looks good. I like that white streak.

It's cool, right? It's very cool. Put a little bit of water on it. I can flatten it down in some pretty cool ways. Like this. That is a cool way. Hey guys. Can you do a buck teeth kind of thing? Like do that. Yeah, perfect. Looks good right? Yes. It kind of look like the fear. I'm getting a haircut today. You are? Yeah, you that. It kinda look like the fear. I'm getting the haircut today.

You are? Yeah, you wanna know, you wanna know. I got the guy coming to my house. Yeah, got my hair. Are you gonna wear a mask? Yeah, he's gotta wear a mask and then I gotta wear a mask. It's kind of a fucked up thing. But I was gonna just shave it.

I wanted the girls to shave it. But they were, I didn't trust them. They were like, where are we starting your beard? I was like, never mind. I was like, you guys are fucking in the sun. Why don't you let me do it? No. Why don't we, I would, I would, we just got a very visual of Josh Potter's hair. Looks good. It looks fucking awesome. Full head of hair. I never knew that. Yeah. Would you ever get a wig? Yeah. Like a wig wig? Oh, like, really, really what?, really, like, like get it, I think when they do, when they do the hair club for men,

they do. You know, it's a cool wig. Have you seen, uh, nice. Did you see an Ellis? Have you seen? 90-day fiance before the 90 days? No. He pulled David, David from 90-day fiance.

He has a really cool, deep, happening wig. Let's do right there Look cool by the way, I feel so bad that I shit on these I've only shit on the 90s. I feel you guys Well, yeah, you should I feel horrible. Why well the guy with the guy with the guy that guy the guy with the guy used to be a really good looking dude We're saying He's not a user? He's still not as, so wait, we should really talk about this because I guarantee you there are guys out there

losing their hair, dealing with them for the very first time. Do you remember when you started losing your hair? Yeah, so there was a whole thing in my family, but I say family, I mean, like, you know, cousins and uncles and like, were there just like, they're all bald. Like, and they've been bald and they lost their her early. So when I was out of high school going into college and still had all my hair, they were all like, I think you fucking jumped it. Like, yeah, because they were, one of my

cousins was like, what are you taking? I was like, what do you mean? He goes, what are you taking? I'm like, I'm not taking anything. And he was bald, bald at like 18. And I was like, oh man. I think he was thinning in high school. My dad's bald, oh my uncle, like Errol's bald. And so I kind of thought, I was like, oh, and I always had a widow's peak. So I always had like the hair would go back here.

And I had it longer in my early 20s. And remember when I was 25, I could do like this. Like grab the hair and go back here and I had it longer in my early 20s. And I remember when I was 25, I could do like this, like grab the hair and go back and it wasn't thick. It was always like kind of thin, but there wasn't gaps or anything. And then I was like, oh, maybe. And then, God, what was it? I was, by the time I was,

I got to rock that kind of hair through my 20s. You had hair when I met you? Yeah, no, no. So I was saying like, in due early 30s, and then there was like, I would tell who cut my hair regularly, like, it's thinning out and they always go like, no, it's not. Oh, great.

Yeah. I was like, I feel like it's thinning. And then it became progressively worse and what I refused to do, like, because people just keep, we'll lie to you, that, you you know, like once it was the thinness in the front, because that's where my thinness is here. I still have hair in the back. I'm much, I don't like having it. I have thinness in the back. Well, this right here, once, because you see it, you see it like every time you see a mirror,

once like this grows another, you know, quarter inch, you're like, oh, you can see the gap. So I just try to keep it down. I would say I had to throw in the towel a year ago, but then a year before that I already knew that it was coming. That's interesting. I remember it was my first feeling of mortality. Really?

When I found out I was losing my hair, I was dating this girl, I dated this girl all through college. And this guy Jeff Hartley was standing above me at the fraternity, I got along hair the whole time, all the way up until like my first, I saw pictures of you with it. First junior year, first sophomore year, I had long hair.

And so I, Second sophomore year. And so then I cut it short and I got a Caesar haircut, dude. Fucking badass Caesar haircut. I mean, do you wanna see it? and I got a Caesar haircut, dude. Fucking badass Caesar haircut. I mean, do you wanna see it? You wanna see my Caesar? Yeah.

Dude, this is a fucking legit. By the way, a lot of beverages today. I know, I know, I have a drinking problem. The, this is my Caesar cut, okay? Yes. Here, can you see it on the camera? We can give it to him.? We can give it to him. Okay, you give it to him.

So that was my Caesar cut and I had a little goatee. I remember being at the fraternity house and Jeff Hartley was standing above me. He looked down and he's like, bro, and he touched my head and he goes, and it was like, you touched my scalp and he was like, you're losing your hair. And I was like, I mean, I've never been diagnosed with any disease or anything, but that feeling where your heart sinks, and you can't stop it. Yeah, yeah. And it's like a panic attack.

And I remember being in the car with my girlfriend, and I was like, hey, I'm not losing my hair. Am I a lean four? And she goes, oh, yeah, you're losing your hair. And I went, and I fucking went to, so how do you? I was 20, 21, I was 21 years old. And I went to the doctor that day and I got on hair medicine.

You did that fucking day. When you were 21. Yeah, I had to wait in long lines. And what did they give you back then? Rogain, Rogain prescribed. And it stopped it, stopped it immediately. And all of a sudden no hair loss, no hair loss, no hair loss at all. Now, if you go thinner than now,

will you like buzz it or no? No, no, so I'll get a haircut and it'll look like it did in my specials. So like for one of the reason, the longer it looks, the longer it gets the thinner it looks, the shorter it is, the thicker it looks. So when as soon as I cut it, it'll look normal. It's kind of stopped altogether,

but like, Leanne, but here's the thing that bust bum me out So I'm with the girls. I got a scarf. I got one of my Hawaiian shirts from Dixins I got it open on the bike. I got a visor on right. I'm having cocktails. I'm really fucking feeling it My hair's my hair is sticking out of the visor and it just looks wild and crazy, right? And I'm feeling great and then Leanne snaps a picture of me, and I saw what I looked like, and it wasn't what I thought I was. What, but that seems on brand.

Do you know what? What? Do you know how like what? What didn't feel right? I mean, I was like, it was just like hugely bald and thinning and fat, and it was like all the, I did not look. look you remember the photo of you playing the ukulele Were you like type in burglar?

Trip flip why it'll come up. Oh that broke my heart. I saw I posted that picture was like oh Typing what I'm why am I saying type in? This is gonna take fucking forever. Type in ukulele. Ha ha ha ha ha. Type in ukulele, just tell them. Um, dude, I, that I, remember seeing that picture and it was so disgusting. Now, I only remember this because you told me,

and then you showed me, you go, that this is the picture that you were like, I gotta fucking, that picture fucked me up. I'll find out on my phone and send it to you. I'm sure it's on my phone. It broke my heart, but it's not who I, it's when you see a picture of yourself

and you go, that's not who I am. Yeah. Like I'm not a fat guy, I'm not disgusting. Like I sometimes, Tom, I'll go like this. This is I swear to God. I'll open my camera. I'll be taking pictures Oh to you. Yeah, and I'll go out of it and I'll go And then I'll go oh wait and then I'll see this in the camera and go that's not me all right It fucking kills me. Oh, yeah, oh it's like the fucking saddest.

And that's what it felt like when I was losing my hair. I was like, I'm not losing my hair. I'm, I have a full head of hair. I'm young. I've got life inside of me. I get those all the time. And also the, the, the range of what people tell you because in the same like comment section or email,

thread or whatever, it's someone will be like, you look great, man. And the next thing will be like, you look great, man. And then next thing will be like, you really look like shit. Dude, it's so fat and gross. Well, you know, I told this to someone the other day and they go, okay, it goes, that really haunts me. I told them, I was in doing an interview and they said,

when did you realize you had to start losing weight? And I go, I didn't know I was fat. Like when you guys started fat, shame me me. That's when I found out I was fat. I swear to God, in my head, 230 wasn't a big weight. 240 wasn't a big weight. I was getting on the scale, taking pictures in a speedo on my vlog when I was doing that vlog

and you and Christina started lighting me up. They're like, he looks like Gerard Depp are do. And I remember being on a jog in Alabama, listening to you guys, talk about me on your mom's house, being fat and then I was like, I'm not fucking fat. What are they fucking talking about? I remember being on a jog in Alabama, listening to you guys talk about me on your mom's house, being fat, and then I was like, I'm gonna fucking fat, what are they fucking talking about? And then I got back to the L.A.C. house,

and I look at the mirror and go, I'm fucking disgusting. And I was like, wait, why didn't this happen? But isn't there a part of you? Because I've always gone up and down, up and down. Oh, where? No, where you actually go, like, looking back, you're like, I'm glad somebody said.

Like, everyone's family's different, in my family, like, I have to be like, grow testically, like about to die before someone will say something. No one will say something. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, my dad. No, my dad. You told me your dad will be like,

I think you've eaten enough. My dad, my dad will be like, he's had enough and moved my plate away from me. Like, my dad will be like, he's had enough and moved my plate away from me. Like my dad is, I say to my daughters, I said to my daughters, this is like straight up therapy shit. This last Christmas, I was going, like my parents were out here

and I'm going through fluctuating my weight and I think I'm sure we were in some sort of challenge or whatever I hadn't eaten I had worked out that morning my my dad had just gotten in and I knew I wanted to have a good trip with my dad And if my dad sees me for the first time and sees me as fat then the entire trip I can't eat around him because he starts fucking getting on me I'll be like you don't need that not he don't he doesn't want beers. Just have like a, have a sip of wine. Don't have beers. How many calories? He gets really army about that.

And so I wake up. I don't, I don't eat dinner. I go to sleep. I wake up, I get on the treadmill. I run like five miles. I know that we're having like four o'clock dinner. I don't eat lunch. And so I fasted now all the way to four o'clock.

And my daughters are taking their time but I'm starving Starving and I'm they're taking their time getting over to my sister's house and I explode and I go Can we just get the fuck out of here? So my dad can see me skinny and we can have a good time and then I can fucking eat and my daughters are like What kind of relationship does dad have with papa and mangoes complicated? Let's get the fucking car I just see my dad to see me skinny. He was like, fuck it, just came out of me. Yeah, I don't have that. Oh, bro. My dad will be like, I mean, I could be like 270

and he'll be like, you know, you're getting like, a little bit of a gut. For real? Yeah. What about your mom? Your mom's got a B. My mom will not say anything, not say anything, not say anything.

And then she would like privately be like, privately? Yeah, she'll be like, oh, do you know how cool that would be for some of you privately to say, hey, I think you've gained some weight. Yeah. As opposed to probably. But she would say it like an to say, hey, I think you've gained some weight. Yeah. As opposed to probably, but she would say it like an asshole, but privately, you know. Oh, my dad just says it like a fucking asshole.

And it's, I've so many pictures of me and Hawaii, there's no way I'm finding this. Oh, that's such a great picture. Is that framed? No, no, no, no, no. That picture of me playing the ukulele. And you're like, and I'm like, and my arm just holds into, and I'm like,

and my arm just holds into my, I'm wearing a tank top. I'm wearing a tank top. My arm holds into my dick and it's just one like, because when I see that picture, I always picture Ari because Ari was like, God, you look disgusting enough. Yeah, Ari is such a rude, horrible human being. He's so rude.

He's such a bad person Maybe it happened on Maui. Oh, it's gotta be years ago. So to be Oh, fuck that was so yeah, and I was so funny playing the ukulele then it was like we were having such a great time And fucking then they took that picture and I was like we were having such a great time and fucking then they took that picture and I was like, girl, this isn't good. I wish you had it. I wish you had it. I don't have it.

Yeah, losing your hair felt like it was my first step into mortality, realizing I was fat, realizing I was fat and then there was nothing I could do about it. I'm having a hard time right now losing weight, but you know what it is? I can't. I wish I could just shut off the part of my brain that goes yesterday. Perfect example. I pick up Georgia. Georgia and her friend went to Malibu, socially distant, with her mom, except they all got in the car together. They, yeah, I don't know, I'm fucking, it's very tough to parent this shit.

And so I go to pick up Georgia. It's me and Ila, we're still in our pajamas. It's like fucking five o'clock, right? We pull over and Ila sees him McDonald's. She's like, nose Liam will not let her get McDonald's. She goes, Dad, can? We pull over and Ilessy's and McDonald's and she's like nose Liam Will not let her get McDonald's she goes, Dallas. Can we get McDonald's and I go of course So we pull for our McDonald's I go what you guys get and thinking I'm gonna get a little have a little bit of what they get You know yeah, and I like us. Oh just a small fry and then I go what do you want Georgian? She goes small fries I go what the fuck wrong with you no one gets small fries So they go go coming help you

That you said the fuck wrong you know it's no one goes to McDonald's to get small fries That's like the dumbest thing I've ever fucking piece of shit. It's like people who drink That's like people who drink decaffeinated coffee. What are you just trying to stay in your teeth? Yeah, yeah stupid So I go can you imagine what kind of fucking asshole goes to Starbucks and goes, give D-Calf, what the fuck? Like what coffee doesn't even taste good really. You know, I worked with somebody who used to work at Starbucks and told me that when people are rude, they're rude and they ask for a coffee, they put D-Calf and this good. I love that kind of social justice. Yeah.

I love that fucking, that's prison justice right there. That's fucking, I had a buddy one time. Shout out to Ben Wait hold on I should let's see if you'll want this story told you always do this. Hey go ahead and cut that out later Anyway, he was pinning down these three chicks at a party and Just take his last name out. Just take his last name out. I knew it. He got into a fight outside of publics one time. And the guy knocked his tooth out.

And the cops took him to jail. Like he got in the fight. The guy was being a bully, punches, bam, bang, bang, his tooth knocked out. They take him to jail. The cop takes him to jail. And why? Exactly. He bends like, I didn't do anything cop takes him to jail. And why? Exactly.

Ben's like, I didn't do anything. I got beat up in the cops. Like, fuck you, you're drunk, whatever. So you take him to jail. Ben worked at this restaurant. And one day the cops come in and it's the cop and took him to jail and Ben's cooking burgers. And the cops like, doesn't recognize Ben.

He's like, yeah, free burgers. We have free burgers. Give us everything, give us this, give us that. Give us that. So it's barking Ben around. Ben went in the only one in there and he's like, oh, okay, I got you. Goes back, be a free burgers. Give us everything, give us this, give us that, give us that, so it's barking, better out, Ben went in there and he's like, ah, okay, I gotcha, goes back, cooks my burger and just goes,

oh, cleans over to spin on the burger and sees his manager standing there going, what the fuck are you about? Oh, it gets better, it gets better, Ben gets fired, he gets fired across the street from the publics that he got beat up at, right? It's across the street.

He goes over to the publics, buys a 40 and starts walking home with a 40, the cops pull out of the burger joint, see Ben with a 40, give him a fucking ticket. Ah, ah! Dude, that was one of the fucking hardest I've laughed when he came home to do this. It's been been a fucking shit day takes his fucking flipper out anyway God damn it. What were we talking about? Why did I know? I don't know let me get into that I don't know

Fucking well how did we get into this oh? Decaf decaf a Oh, oh, Decaf. Decaf. Decaf. Staying your teeth, McDonald's. Yeah, you're McDonald's. How did you put that together? That makes me feel like I don't have Alzheimer's.

Yeah, so that was pretty impressive. Yeah. So the two asked for small fries. You're like, Jack asks, they're like, take Cox. They're like, hey, dad, small fry, small fry. And then I'm like, who the fuck's got small fry? And so I go, can I get two large fries? And they're like, we're not gonna eat all those.

And I'm like, what do you mean we're not gonna eat all? Who? That's just the reality. They're friends fries, yeah. And so I go, two large fries. And then I go, is that all you guys want for real? And they go, yeah, you get anything? And I go, I don't think so.

And then I couldn't help it, I go, four cheeseers be here's a big Mac and another large Friday diet coke. And they're like, what the fuck just happened? And I was like, I have a problem with them, Pulse ladies. And I ate four cheeseburgers and a big Mac on the ride home. And the fries. Oh, the fries were gone before we left the drive-through. Yeah, I mean, the fries came in and I fucking waiting for the burgers I ate them fucking like just fistful in the best with a fries are trying to stop from your mouth Like hold on to your cheek. Are they piping hot like when they're burning and you're hard I burned all the I want McDonald's right now Yeah, I could eat McDonald's and how good was that?

Diet Coke the fucking sucked it down dude It was so and I had a look Roy Let's go you want stop. Let's go. I would I would Fucking bring in a burger contest right now. I could fuck up some burgers burgers would be good I bet I could I bet I bet I could write that down. We should do a burger contest Yeah, we really should do a burger contest. Yeah, I I ate all of it. I got home and liens like Lanzic I haven't eaten yet. If you're eating, I was like, mmm, I'm like, get a little bit.

You're like, hello. It's just gotta be, what is that? Calorie wise, that's gotta be, I don't know. It's gotta be like 2000 calories. Can you do that? McDonald's, Google McDonald's, menu calories. And then I just took an ambience,

and I was like, I'm done with today. Dude, that's a perfect day. Yeah, I was like, I'm done with that. I didn't even work out. I never even took off the same pajamas. Okay Okay, so what's the best thing? What's a cheeseburger? Just go cheeseburger Burger these are like these are signature sorace these are McDonald's. These are weird. What country are you? There's what VPN are you using?

Music express VPN. They make better. Earth Mac is 540 to 560. Okay, there you go. A quarter pounder. Okay, 560, we'll say 560. Cause I made sure that all the stuff is in it and then cheeseburger. Yeah, it's gotta be just a regular. It's not gonna be a double cheezers.

I took them and take them. Oh, the cheeseburger. The double is 390, cheeseburger bake. Oh, there it is,90. Cheeseburger bake. Oh, there it is. 300. So I had 12 hundred calories. 12 hundred calories.

I had 17. I had about eight with the price of fries. And then plus the fries. Our large fries. Yeah. I had probably 2300 calories. That's a day for a lot of people. So that's actually more than I'm supposed to have in one day.

I overate in one meal. What are you supposed to have in a day? Like I'm supposed to have 20. If. I overate in one meal. What are you supposed to have in a day? Like I'm supposed to have 20, if I want to lose weight, like 2100 calories. You look good though, what are you way now? 235 right now. 480, yeah, yeah. So wait, so there's over a thousand between the Big Mac

and the fries plus 12, yeah, so almost 2500, probably. Yeah, but I could have eaten more. Yeah. I bet. What's the most fun game? Like an eating contest. Let's do this. Yeah. We're supposed to do the donut holes competition.

Let's do a charity contest. Me versus you, who can eat the most calories for McDonald's in one sitting? You know, I think McDonald's would probably have our fucking thing taken down. There are certain things I can fuck up, okay? I can fuck up McDonald's, like I can fuck it up where I don't even notice it.

And I start going, that's not calories, I didn't feel it. Hot dogs, I can fuck up hot dogs. Do you remember when we were at my beach house and I was eating hot dogs nonstop and you kept staring at me and then I never said, I don't feel so good, I feel like I'm we were at my beach house and I was eating hot dogs non-stop and you kept staring at me and then I remember saying, I don't feel so good. I feel like I'm,

and then I came back and I was like, I have diarrhea and you're like, no shit! You go, how many hot dogs have you had? You remember that? You called a nitrous sickle? You've been sucking down nitrous sickle the whole time and I was like,

hot dogs are bad for you. I was like, they're just protein and you're like, they're not protein. They're not protein. They're not protein, man. Also, I think right after all your diarrhea, the next morning, in radio, you brought back all these donuts. You're like, how about eating these donuts?

I wish I could, I wish I had, this is gonna sound bizarre. I wish I had the self-control I do with alcohol with food. I mean, if I had, I wish I had, this is gonna sound bizarre. I wish I had the self control I do with alcohol with food. I mean, if I had, I would actually be skinny if I had the same self control with alcohol that I do with food. I can easily not drink. I can easily not drink.

I can have five beers and be fine. That's like not drinking. Like five beers and I go to sleep and find bottle of wine. That's all I need. But food. But food, I fuck it up. Like five beers and I go to sleep and find bottle of wine. That's all I need but food but food I Fuck it up. I mean see we have different we have different weaknesses for food though What's yours? I mean I like you know, I like rich food. I like all burglars stuff

But what I feel like I'm fucked on is if I start eating sugar Sugar will fucking ruin my life. I want to call Georgia right now Georgia. Yeah made Homemade chocolate chip cookies. Oh Oh yeah, that's a nightmare. She put them on the cooling rack to cool. And I ate all of them. I'll be cooling. And then I thought there was another train there cause there was so few.

It was only like, it was only like 12. 15, oh 12. And I was like, and there's got, I was like, there's got to be another train who makes 12 cookies. She was like, I guess's got to be another tray. Who makes 12 cookies? She was like, I guess I need to make more cookies. And I went, what? She goes, do you need me to make more cookies?

You just ate all the cookies. And I was like, this is all you made. All right, Tom, I was eating them. I was eating them, but I was doing like, sexual shit. Like, it would go on my mouth and I go, oh, fuck it was like just melt in your mouth if it's what of a hot cookie there's a hot brownies a batch of hot brownies I wish I wish you could yell things out when you ate food like you were having an orgasm you can it really sure this fuck this is fuck oh my god I'm a fucking swallow this. Do it, do it.

Oh, by the way, how are you enjoying it's been only a few days? How are you enjoying the ride of Bert smells bad and Bert fuck's dogs? I love it. I love it. It's fun. I love it. I can't get enough.

You know what? You know what every time I- It's so outrageous. Yeah. That people can have fun with it and it doesn't potentially ruin everything in your life Can I tell you that when I read people saying I smell like shit I smile and then I go yeah, that's what I do I smell like shit I actually

That's great. I didn't see that one. Oh, that's fucking great. That's great. Heather, I actually just took a pull back. We made that. Heather. Heather. Hey, you took a pull back. I took that's real, but I felt cool taking a pull. And by the way, just to be fair with all the wins, all the debris was still in the pool. The fucking win. It's insane. Your allergies kick in when the wins kick out.

Dude, check out. This was the first night. So there were people that don't know. Among, like there's all kinds of cool stuff that happens in Los Angeles all the time, like rains and fires and everything, but the wind, that's my sleeping two nights ago when the first night of the big wind.

Oh, holy shit. Look at your strain. My box that day, which was so hard, but look at... What's your fucking strain? Look at the... God damn it, your heart rate was at one, you were peaking at 175. Yeah.

That's fucking awesome. Your average heart rate was 144. That was a fucking awesome. But you see, I sleep... Sleep type in, do you type in, do you use a strain coach for that? No, because it automatically it knows, like it knows that that's boxing by the pattern.

That's crazy. I gotta find that fucking picture. Where's Maui? That's Honolulu, that's why. Is Maui? It's an, I went, I did that in Maui. Shout out to Spice. Bert Crasher rolling up to a dog park. You see that?

Oh, that is me fucking that dog. Yeah. Printed CRISPR's fucks dogs. Bert smells like the wet dogs he fucks it has pulled change my mind. Change my mind. That's Mr. Clavicles. Engaged to new girlfriend 10 months, a dog to bounty hunter and you. Dog to bounty hunter. Oh dog fuck. Wow that's really creative. And look Robert Paul Shampeh and wrote nice work. Hey shout out to that guy. Have you seen his only fans debut? No. Okay. You're gonna watch it in a moment. Hold on. Look at that. That one's pretty good. That's not bad at all.

You do look nude there. I do look nude with my brand new marijuana plants that Harvested and I barely I've never smoked any of it Never smoked any of it. How come? It was too I don't know if I did it right and I was afraid it would give me headaches. I Really can't find that picture of me playing ukulele this sucks. It is such a fucking sad you gotta find it. I'll find it. I'll find it tonight. Can you play that for Bert? The RPC only fans? Yeah, yeah, give me one second. Okay, this is what? I was gonna keep going. This is What So yeah, so RPC you know the triad out guy obviously you remember him he joined only fans. I love only Are you a member? Yeah, my member who do you follow? I don't know I don't know how to get to it. This sounds crazy, but I can only get to it through Instagram

but I Follow Christy Mac on only fans you it through Instagram. But I follow Christy Mack on OnlyFans. And who else? I just followed somebody. I just followed someone. Oh, I followed a fucking girl, the Adriana Chechik. Okay, yeah. She's famously has like, supposedly a great on the fan. Great OnlyFans.

So do you, you subscribe to both? Scrubs, subscribe to both. Yeah. Oh, good for you. Yeah, it's actually I think it's pretty cool. I Bet yeah, you can show me some time. I don't know how to get to it Yeah, I got a wait till Kristie Mac post it in her stories. Wait. Why can't you just go to only fans? I don't have the app All you mean I follow them on Instagram and then they they'll say hey go to only fans and then only fans has its has its own app. I Yeah, I don't even know can't you wait do you know can't you just go to the website like only fans.com slash I think it's a let me see Yeah, that's how only fans works right Chrissy Mac here we go, okay? Okay

That's not... No? Chrissy Mac, that's a social justice thing. Okay. Let's see, Adrienne is checking. Then I fucked my dog. Yeah, and then if Adrienne checks it's definitely on her. Yeah.

Let's see. Oh, she changed. Now she's on fanscentro. I don't know. She left? She left only fans. Really? Yeah, she really. Now she's on fan centro. She left. She left only fans. Really? Yeah, she really is hot as shit. I'm gonna be great if your wife was like, oh, you can fuck porn stars, yeah.

Yeah. Like, Josh, definitely. That has to have been, has that been brought up? Yeah. Yeah, cause I said to Drew that if I was terminally ill, if I got this, the government has turned me ill, that I would, I would probably just go and fuck a bunch of porn stars. He was like, why? I said, well, I don't know, I got like a month of liby, that I would probably just go and fuck a bunch of porn stars. He was like, why?

I said, well, I don't know. I got like a month to live. He goes, you could die tomorrow. You just fuck a bunch of porn stars. And I was like, because I don't want you to my wife. And he was like, but it sounds like even months to live when you just want to spend it with your wife. I was like, no, I want to fuck a bunch of porn stars.

Right. Like I got a month to live. Drew, what, what do you, and he's like, I don't get it. Yeah, you know how Drew can be a buzzkill with that kind of shit Yeah, yeah, you're like how come you can't just get me COVID tests Such a bummer such a bummer where he's like well, I know there could be striations like you're liver and you're like And he's like just you know tried rick and water enjoy yourself. Yeah, yeah, fucking guy So is this the announcement or is this one of his posts?

This is one of his posts. Okay, it's pretty cool. Okay. Uh, rate me fuck me and do great. See, man? I'm gonna shoot it on and make up a fun man. It's just a fun and get a charity man. Yeah, for charity man.

I get a charity man. Fuck man. Using a bees me. I'm gonna get a fucking charity. You got that man. You got the fucking charity man. Yeah, you know, the virus man yeah yeah code that virus you're a virus not that man let me know what's wrong with it no no it's just his only pants so he's funny I need to be so he definitely does one take yeah he's not he's not he's

put the camera up he has to go and He's like all right and we're going live That's it. Well, shoot it live. I make it. I'll shoot it. My it gets it gets more hardcore. He's he goes hard for BBC's it come over stop stop. I don't know what a BBC is big black cock. Oh, okay I have wagon house apartment to see when 24th at first avenue is tar on Make a heart rate scene use it abuse me and degrade me I mean fucking degrade me okay I'll go ahead and let me so we can make this fucking shit happen motherfucker you can subscribe go to only fans.com slash Robert champagne shit piss everything the great shitson Watergate 40 sports oil. Anything goes

Pearson drugs man. Smack me around good. Make her sick. Go ahead. Farming so we can make this motherfucker shit happen motherfucker. How awesome is it to be? Follow me out. The best. And follow me. Oh, you jerking off. Yeah. And only. Yeah. Robert should buy post champagne man. Yeah, follow me. Follow me only yeah Robert should buy potion payment yeah

follow me follow me only at and follow me only at stands or stands at Robert should be he reads better than you follow me only only

do you have the cheese one for him oh the chees oh okay the cheese yeah give him? Oh, okay, the cheese one. Yeah, give me just a second. All right, just show. Yeah, but it's pretty cool, right? You could be, isn't that crazy? Like, what if they said, you know what,

touring never resumes. You never get to do stand-up again. Would you, would you do like an only fans or something? Toring, you never touring again? You could never do it again. No, I tried to just make Tolo his and I think. Like what? I'm not gonna like a succomer.

I don't know if I'd go here. Why? Because I think that here's the problem is there's a peak. Like once they've seen you fuck once, I'm not gonna wanna see you fuck all the time. You gotta be good at fucking and I'm not good at fucking. Yeah. That's good logic actually.

Yeah, like Adrian Chatech you gotta be good at fucking and I'm not good at fucking. Yeah. That's good logic actually. Yeah, like Adrian Chachik is really good at fucking. So is Christie Mac, they're really great, they're hot and they're fucking, all the things are great about them. Right. So I could watch them over and over again. Yeah. Owen Gray, Owen Gray is amazing at fucking people. Right, so you wanna see it more.

And so I don't mind watching him fuck other people. Right. But I think if you found me fucks one person, you'd'd be like I know I got the picture. Do you see your boy? Oh Why is this dick at a frame? It's the on purpose Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Traskin Who eats their own come I have such issues with come I think I Could not ever eat my own come really a hundred percent I couldn't eat my come can you try? Nope, and nope. I wouldn't even kiss Leanne after she sucks my dick really on no way I'm like on the cheek grandma Oh, no way. I'm like on the cheek grandma. You're not getting this fucking,

you're like kids I'm gonna smack her. Fucking get out of my face. No way. So you would never eat somebody else's come probably? I would definitely never eat somebody else's come. I would never, never, I, I can't believe that like, how freeing though

He's very free. How freeing if that's what you want very you know what that's like that's like liking sardines That is yeah, like we're never gonna run out of sardines. You're always gonna find sardines Yeah, right like and if you loved sardines if you love sardines and you're like, eh against our deans are cheap, right? Yeah, fuck me. Sheddle me come on me all that shit. Sheddle me to grade me And if you loved sardines. If you loved sardines and you're like, eh, I can get sardines or cheap, right? Yeah. Fuck me, shit on me, come on me, all that shit. Shit on me, to grade me. Yeah. I want to be rape fantasy.

Yeah. Like, all that shit. He wants to donate to charity. Yeah, and donate that money to charity. Yeah. So this is really just for fun. And if you like that, I'm sure there are plenty of dudes. They're down.

Oh, yeah, I'll come over and fuck you in the ass and then shit on you and leave. Ha ha ha ha. Like, isn't that crazy to be that guy? Who's that guy who's like, yeah, definitely. Look, I'm over there, beat the fuck out of you. Yeah, fuck you and piss. Oh, you want me to mock rape you then shit and piss on you.

It's slap you. And then beat the fuck out of you and leave. Okay, I'll do that. There's some time. There's some dude who hears that, he's like, dude, like I'm ready to go. Yeah. You know, there's some guys, it's like, it's not totally my thing, I'll do that. There's one time. There's Sunday who hears that. He's like, dude, like I'm ready to go. Yeah. You know, there's some guys, it's like,

it's not totally my thing, I'll try it though. Yeah, try it out. Yeah, try it out. Yeah. That is insane that that is, that I mean, like, I would love to figure out what happened to him to get him there. Yeah.

There's probably some not good stuff. I've been breaking down a lot of what's wrong with me of like, like, I never really partied. I never really partied. Uh, I mean, I partied a little bit in high school and the beginning of college, but I didn't really party until I went to Russia and came back. And someone said, you didn't really drink in college. And I said, I was really my dad instilled in me. Do not break the law.

Do not break the law. Like, don't have a fake ID, don't drink and drive, do not have drugs on you. So like, I was actually scared of that. Like, I was scared to go to a party and have a beer and cause I was always, my dad would tell me, I'm gonna cover cops, come up and go, let me scare ID. And they will take you to jail.

You do not want to go to jail, trust me. And so I was like, I was terrified. I didn't really start drinking. When I was 21, I remember by a case of Michelobgalob ultra or lights and I drink a megalob light it. I don't be like, ah, I feel comfortable Yeah, it's a reason I never really I never really enjoyed this is gonna sound fucking insane. I If I fuck to check I didn't want her to be in bed with me because if I if I didn't love her So I was like I don't, this is fucking phony. Really?

Yeah, and I had a hard time fucking chicks and coming in them if I wasn't ready to commit for the rest of my life. Like if I blew a load and checked, I would be crazy thinking she's gonna get married. I don't love her and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with this chick and I don't love her. It was the greatest feeling I spent the end

and I was like, I wanna marry this chick and I was just blowing loads like, like, oh yeah, make a fucking baby. Like it was such a great feeling to go like, if she gets pregnant, I am so fucking cool with that. I was terrified of having kids. That's the first time I lost my virginity.

I lost, I thought I got a pregnant. I was like, I definitely got a pregnant. Oh, that's the worst feeling. And it was like, I'm 17, I'm not ready to have a fucking kid. I remember kept saying, I'm not ready to grow up. Why are you doing grow-up shit when you're not ready to grow up? I fucking, when I was 17, I thought I got a girl pregnant. It was the worst.

Dude, it was so fucking bad. It was so bad. And I did everything. I wore a condom. I tried to, I mean mean I caught me off guard What did you plant like did you go like well? I'm gonna fucking tire up throw her on a fucking river like I'm gonna shove her down the stairs beater with a hammer. What'd you think like how were you gonna handle it? I was not getting the portion. I'll tell you that right now. No, no I was Man, it was such a it really That period fucked me up so much that like...

So I lost... By the way, I knew you've heard the story. I lost my genie really horribly. Like it was not good. Wasn't a good story. Really? Oh, forget. It'll jog your memory really quick. Yeah, just for give me the... I get her to totally naked, right?

She is totally naked on the bed. We're at my, my, my buddies chick, my Jeff Hartley same guy, we're at his girlfriend's, dad's house. Her dad had his own little crash bed. We're at that place. We're watching pets cemetery drinking nadi lights, right? Take her back to the bedroom.

I know it's gonna happen. I have a condom. Jeff has a condom. Are you guys seeing each other for a while or no? Yeah, yeah, we've dating. Okay. And, uh, we've dating and Get a naked Don't even take off my jacket. Don't take my hat off. Don't take my shoes off

Drop my pants to my knees get down to the corner of the bed And this is where you're gonna remember you're gonna go. Oh, I remember here in the story I go to I go to put the condom on I never put a condom on so I unroll it all the way Thinking I put it on like my mom rolls my socks up, I'm gonna unroll it, slide it on like a sock. So as I push down, it inflates, because there's air caught in there, and I'm like, wait, this doesn't seem right.

So I'm trying to squeeze the air out of it, like pushing it going, and you're hearing like, like trying to squeeze air out of it, like I'm making fucking balloon animals. On the corner of the bed, I'm like, this isn't fucking working. Now I'm panicking, because the clock is running, she's naked, it's cold, animals on the corner of the bed. I'm like, this isn't fucking working. Now I'm panicking because the clock is running. She's naked, it's cold.

It's the middle of, it's like winter. But so I'm like, all right, so I go run out. I go back out to Harley, I go, yo, give me another column. He's like, you're done already? I was like, well, I'm story. I come in, other kind of, I put it on. I take it, open it up.

She's still there. And that's when I start going like, oh, pinch reservoir tip. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's for air, that's so you don't have air caught in there. Oh, that makes sense. And then I go, as I roll it over, I go, that felt really good.

Like just putting it on, I was like, oh, get on top of her. One, pull back, and I'm done. Ha, ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I didn't even need her there technically. Ah, did you try to go for round two? I went for round two. Yeah. With a compromised condom. What?

Didn't, I, we're out, we have two condoms, it's done. Wait, wait, so the jizz is already, is, yeah. It's like saying, hey Tom, do you want to go for a hike? And you're like, sure, you go, come here real quick. Let me just jump in this puddle with our boots and get them all sloppy. And then let's go for a hike. And then the whole hike, you're like, this is really uncomfortable. I wish I wasn't doing this at all. I don't want to do this at all I think I'm gonna be a dad this can't be good

It was so bad It was so bad and then I was like I definitely got AIDS I got I got I've got a pregnant I'm gonna be a dad I'm 17 fucking baseballs coming up. Oh, it was a nightmare man That is using a keeping the condom on sounds real crazy. It was so bad, Tom. Yeah, it was so bad That I was just like I was and I was like I it was all there's everything all over the place and by the way I came again Yeah Like I it was all there's everything all over the place and by the way I came again Yeah, pretty quick also Yeah, at that age you can really do that. Yeah, and it was it was dude It was like terrifying. I set you something and then I started having panic attacks like legit panic attacks going like

Like laying in bed going. I'm not ready to be a fucking dad man. Like I do not want to be a dad I want to go to college. I'm going to I want to go to Florida state And then I after that I never sex again until I got college really yeah, like I was like I'm not want to be a dad. I want to go to college. I'm going to go to Florida State. And then after that, I never sex again until I got college. Really? Yeah, like I was like, I'm not ready for it. I literally said to myself, Connid, Connid, please. That's pretty grown up of you.

I think like that. You should have seen the spiral I was in. Really? It was pretty bad time. I went to church every single fucking day. Like it was, yeah, we had church in our school. So I'd go and say prayers and go, please God, just don't let me have a kid.

Oh, yeah. I will not fuck this. I remember when I thought that girl was pregnant, I was, yeah, we had the church in our school. So I'd go and say prayers and go, please God, just don't let me have a kid. I will not, I will not. I remember when I thought that girl was pregnant, I was praying to and I was like, please God, destroy this woman, like let something bad happen to her so that we start. It's true. It was this. Check this out, dude.

How crazy is this? What's that? That's a condom. Oh, come on. And look, it's a slingshot. It's a slingshot. That's a condom. Oh, come on. And look, it's a slingshot. It's a slingshot. That's not good. I know.

You know that by having kids. Isn't that crazy? What interests you is not what interests me. That's when we're such a great pair. God damn it, I'm not gonna forget that visual. I know, I've been in my phone for a while. I remember the first time I got a blow job. It was a freshman year.

Do you remember the anticipation of a blow job? Let's tell our story. I remember like being like, oh my God, a blowjob just must be, you know, it's gonna be so intensely amazing. And then the first one I got, I was like, all right, it feels like someone's just going like, like I'm like, I think it's in your mouth. So when does it start to feel good?

And it just felt like, you know, somebody who didn't know how to give one. Oh, yeah. So I was like, this isn't that great. Like, it was actually a really disappointing feeling. Really was good. Ah. I've actually only had chicks.

I've never been with a chick. I'm only going to be with six chicks, but I've never been with a chick that has not sucked it good at all. Okay. I've had champs. The first blow job. The first one. The first blow job I got.

Wait, how old were you? 18 years old, a Florida state, Sally Hall, room 111. In my bunk beds, we had the loft beds. And so her head kept hitting the ceiling panels. Yeah. As she go up, she would just be a little space in there. And I remember thinking, I'm gonna get an abs get obsessed this from this bitch and then I I thought she's not blowing

Like I remember thinking that you'd I cuz I'd never you'd you understand that back then you just didn't see videos of this You didn't see videos of blow jobs all the time. I never I ever I saw a couple porn's growing up like a couple Yeah, you mean like You'd see like a picture of it, but you didn't see like, they're what porn's weren't, I saw a porn at Scoppa Beer's house, keep his name in, I saw a porn at like, and that was it, really, that's all the porn

I remember ever watching. And then, and so I thought a blow job was when they blew on your dick. I remember thinking, I wonder if there was like, we know when you get, when you stay at home and you were like, I wonder if I could, what if I took the thinking, I wonder if there was like, we know when you get, when you stay at home and you were like, I wonder if I could, what if I took the vacuum, I wonder if that would do what the blowjob does.

Yeah. And then she started sucking on it and I went, I'll take your way, I don't need you to blow on it. And I came so fast and I remember saying to her, that was amazing. And she goes, yeah, I get that a lot. And I went, okay. I definitely didn't need to hear that.

Now I remember thinking that like, yeah, like being disappointed the first time, then being like, yeah, it's good obviously and it gets the job done. But then being amazed when you find like a real soldier. Oh yeah, tell me that story. Oh, that was. I think I have told you that story. I know it. Where it's always, it's just a thing. Every time where it's been bananas, it's un... Like, you don't anticipate that it's gonna be like that, you know?

So, like, this person was there, it was unsuspecting that she was, you know, we were messing around and then I realized it's gonna happen. So, of course, you're like, oh, great. And it's a new person you're doing it with and she goes around and then I realized it's gonna happen. So of course you're like, oh great. And it's a new person you're doing it with and she goes down and then all of a sudden she was just like, ah! And I was like, ah! And we got a gamer everybody. Yeah, I was like, yeah!

And then she went, like, I just went all the different moments in life where people stop to look when you get someone who really knows how to suck a dick and I remember there was one check where I was like oh this girl is fucking good. That's that moment where you see the scout put the speed gun and go 98 miles per hour. Like it's a fucking moment. The realization that it's happening

like when she starts to, and she's like, like, spin on, you're like, you look up and you're like, thank you so much. Like, dear God, dear God. Oh, that's what I fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got a lot of stuff.

Yeah, and she's like, not my, again, till you're like, I want to meet whoever taught you to do that and shake his hand, because you didn't just figure this out today. Can I tell you the Jim Florentine told me a story? He goes, you know, I used to, we were talking about Austin or some city and he goes, you know, I used to bang this chick in Austin. And then he goes, and she was horrible and bad fucking horrible and And then I came back the next time and she goes, you know, I got to tell you this but I I fucked another comedian He goes, who did you fuck she goes? And he goes, oh, okay, I'm fine. That's fine. And he goes we had sex. She was so much better

He goes and I was like, I wish I would fuck my wife I want to just see what kind of game he brings into the sack and he was like, oh, we're gonna change things up. There's nothing better than someone that can be honest with you and go, hey, what you're doing is wrong. And let me show you what you're supposed to be doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, if you could go back, imagine if you could go back like to the first few times you had sex. And then a woman 10, 15 years older was like, just let me show you a couple of things and it would just blow your mind. And then you would be that. You know, you'd be the person at that age who knew what they were doing.

It could be a dream, right? Like, I didn't know how to go down on Leanne for until we had Aila. Really? Yeah. Like, I read one thing at a house in a playboy. I'm saying a lot of names right now. But yeah, yeah. And do do you wanna go and cut the name

that you mentioned, taught that lady how to fuck her now? You know, the one that Jim was like, I don't know, should we call him and find out? Uh, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, cancel it. Cut us his name, cut out his name. My thought. Okay.

Oh yeah. The, it's not about a compliment, he does fuck well. It's a compliment, but I would just ask. Okay, it's on my podcast with Jim Florentine if you wanna hear the name. Oh, okay, sorry, I didn't know. No, no, I mean, but anyway, what are we talking about? You said that you fucked this guy.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, so I read one thing about how to go down on a check. Oh, that's right. You said you didn't know how one time And then I did that my whole career like I was probably 15 when I read it I didn't tell I was 30. What was your technique? It was go down on the check Suck in her clip in your mouth and just hit it with your tongue the whole time Just like like you're like imagine if you're trying to like pull something out of a hole And then just hit it with your tongue Yeah, and so that was my move and it and Leanne didn't like it and by the way I thought all women liked everything the same right if it worked on one chick

That was the cheat code it worked on all checks and so then and so Leanne just didn't love oral sex It wasn't like her thing and I was like in my head. I'm like I'm really fucking good at this Yeah, but just didn't love oral sex. It wasn't like her thing. And I was like, in my head, I'm like, I'm really fucking good at this. But she didn't like it. And I was like, whatever. You know, she's got weird sexual things. So one day I'm watching Cat House, that show in Vegas and this girl, one of the girls is teaching a guy how to eat pussy.

And I'm like, she's doing it totally fucking wrong. And I was like, this, she's not saying like, she's like, what you gotta do is like, start very general, it's gotta build. It's gotta, this, why can't she not say like, she's like, what you gotta do is like, start very general, it's gotta build, it's gotta, like you can't just go down and start going at it. And I was like, bullshit, it's like a buffet. You hit it hard, you fucking hit it again, you keep going back into your sick.

And she was like, she was like, hit it work, the outside build to it and then get to it gentle, gentle, like kind of chaotic licking. And I was like chaotic licking. And then I thought, this is silly. I'm gonna try this tonight and Just here Lee and go what the fuck are you doing and that night? It was actually during the day. It was during the day the next day

I go down on the end and and she just goes what what are you doing? And I was like huh and now I'm like going like trying to remember all the shit She said gentle chaos fucking like a hurricane, but not too hard at the moment. And then build to the, and I start doing the things that she had said in the thing. And Leanne, I remember she had an orgasm and she went, oh fuck!

And I went, what, like I'd never heard Leanne curse even. I'm like, what the, she goes, what the fuck was that? And I was like, I don't know. Can we call her? Yeah. That's cool. She goes what the fuck was that and I was like I don't know can we call her yeah She's gonna be a girl scout meeting or something Hello, hey, what are you doing? Clean in the house. What are you doing good the

Hey, I'm doing two bears one cable Tom. We're talking about we're talking about the fur you by yourself. Don't put me on speaker You're on my watch. I can't find my phone. I definitely know are you a bite with the girls? No, okay. Do you remember the first time I learned how to go go down on you? No, the first time you learned how to go down. Do you remember how I had it? Do you remember when I I'm I don't know the Way to say this, but do you remember when it started working? Yeah, because you watched some videos or something Yeah, I was telling Tom about that Yeah, you you were a smart man. You educated yourself. Nice. All right.

What was, what did you, how would you, how would you, what would you reference to my previous abilities? What was my previous abilities like? Fair. And she married me. True. She married you.

All right, she married fair. All right, I love you. I love you too. All right, bye That woman can suck a dick She is a fuck and she will never do it anymore. Why patriarchy What patriarchy for real for real. She's dumb that nah, I don't suck dicks Patriarchy, but your her husband she she should do it every now and then it'll be like a treat like a real surprise Something in the fucking me to movement just killed the blowjob really dude

She started like listening to a listen Milano and all these women talk about shit And then all the sudden she's like yeah, what fucking we sucking dicks for like and I was like hold on one second I was like what are you a sudden she's like, yeah, what the fuck are we fucking dicks for? Like, and I was like, hold on one second. I was like, what are you talking about? She was like, it's bullshit. But it's a partner showing affection. Yeah. I don't know if fucking. So if you're like, how about she's like, nah.

She's like, yeah, no thanks. And I'm like, she's like, I don't do that shit anymore. And but she'll do it. Like she's done it probably maybe twice since, she's done it twice since, and it chit, she doesn't like the way I, like one time she was doing it and I had my hands like this

and it really bothered her. Like I was laying on the bed but I was doing this and she was like, did, you're not Superman, take your fucking hands. And so then, and then one time she caught me and my hands are like this She goes, what the fuck are you doing with your hands? I don't know she just stop doing it She like she will not I cannot get her to do it. Do you do the head? Do you ever do one of those?

I'm tired. Yeah, I've tried I've tried it all man. I love it. She was a Champ I mean and you used to get it more regularly I used to get it all the time and back in the day and And I think she just looks at it like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why she looks at it. But maybe it's also, I mean, you guys been together a long time, right? She's just kind of like, yeah, we've been together about, I think, 18 years. And I've, I don't know, maybe I don't know, but I still, I love going down on her.

Like, I like it more than I like having sex, to be honest with you. Wow. Like, I like having sex. It's great. It's awesome. It feels great. But there's something about, that's true. It makes her happy.

It makes me happy. Yeah. She doesn't have the same feeling because I think she feels like, she makes me happy on so many different levels. Yes. That this one, I can suck my own dick on. Yeah, interesting. Why do you still get blood jobs?

Yeah, but not like- Like how many times a year? I don't know. I mean, more than a couple, but not, yeah, not tons. Yeah. But I think it's, I think you think you're an analysis of why makes sense. Like her feeling like I take care of you and all,

and then she's like, you know, being like, I'll withhold something from you. How did you fucking delete your texts? Oh, I took a sleep pill last night. Yeah. I didn't want to eat dinner and then I ate dinner anyway. I don't know what's fucking... Wait, is that Ash McDonald's?

Or is that McDonald's separate time? No, I ate McDonald's and then I ate... So that was yesterday. Chicken Pita. Yeah, this was yesterday. McDonald's is then chicken pita. Yeah. And so then I go to my... I would watch...

Wait, was that four cheeseburgers, the Big Mac, large fry, Diet Coke, and then a chicken pita. And then a chicken pita, like the whole fucking, the pizza's like this thick and this thing. That's amazing. I felt like shit. And so, by the way, I took the, I took the ambience, Xanax, ambient,

whatever the fuck it was. I took it before, I took it before dinner so that I would go to sleep before dinner. Okay. But because I had so much McDonald's, it didn't dissolve in my stomach. Yeah. Like, you need to take those things on an empty stomach for them to kick in hard. Mm-hmm.

So I didn't take anything, so I didn't have an empty stomach, so it didn't kick in. So I just fucking kept eating. And then, and then we watched Twilight, and then I fucking went, I finally get in bed. And I, and I was listening to 85 South, you remember I was telling you yeah, yeah, I know those guys I do like they do live big live events and it's fucking I love their podcast Yeah, I'm obsessed with it and I'm telling you when you go to Atlanta next I want you to be on it I want to be on it like it's a fun. They smoke then with killer mics an amazing episode

They just had this cop on that was a really really really great episode like really great like learning back and forth episode between them in this cop black up and but the one where they have with Chico being is I'm I'm crying laughing so last time I'm on a fucking ambient I put the Phone on the thing and I just fall asleep listening to him, just kind of giggling. And then I wake up and I get, I know that in the middle of the night I was trying to turn off my phone. But you know how you're like kind of in and out of it. Yeah. And I, I guess I just was like pushing buttons going like, come on, like my eyes weren't working.

And I was like, come on, and I don't want to wake up too much because I want to go back to sleep. Right. You know, you know, you know, you're like, when you're on a sleep run, you're like, come on, my eyes weren't working and I was like, come on, and I don't wanna wake up too much because I wanna go back to sleep. You know, you know what I feel like when you're on a sleep-drawn, and you're like, let's not get too awake. I wanna pee with when I open. Yeah, go right back. Yeah, I know what to get up totally.

It's so, I can go to sleep, I turn my phone off, but it's still staying white. Like I hit the button, I'm like, whatever. I wake up and all I have is a text from Our group our chat thread and Whitney. That's it. Everything's gone. Everything's fucking gone everything and I'm like You did that I had to do it in the middle of the night because I woke up a couple times I woke up a couple times and I and I'm I'm know that I got my phone because sometimes I'll get my phone And be like I'm just gonna listen a little podcast to go back to sleep.

I guarantee I deleted all my fucking texts, and then I couldn't have anyone's number. I couldn't text anyone, because sometimes you'll have them in your chat thread, or you'll have your group chat. Group chats don't come up once you delete all your texts. Oh, they don't? If you delete all your texts, all your group chats go away. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, and so I fucking spent the whole day Even texting people going can you send me a group chat to this can you send me a group chat to this? And so yeah, I woke up. I was so fucking panic because I use that to find numbers for people. Yeah, like I'll type in Tray and then find tray through that. Yeah, yeah, but So what's up this commercial you wanted to play? I haven't seen it. I don't know. So this is another fucking patriarchy fight. Leanne, I got into. Yeah. Let's see it. I just, okay, for whatever reason, I found this the music. And by the way, I have to say this before the starts, I thought, I think this is a great company. Yeah. And Leanne

made me is making me sad because I don't know anything about this. I'll tell you everything you need to know about the fight Leanne and I had. Okay. But this commercial made me laugh so hard. Let me see. I found a birth control with no hormones. No hormones.

No hormones, not an ounce. With an ingredient I can pronounce. No hormones. It's over 99% effective. I know I'm protected. A birth control that works differently. Finally. It's P-A-R-A-G-A-R-D.

Paraguard is a 100% hormone for EID that prevents pregnancy for up to 10 years, using one simple active ingredient, copper instead of hormones. Don't use if you have a pelvic infection, certain cancers, a copper allergy, Wilson's disease, or PID. If you miss a period, have abdominal pain, or it comes out, tell your healthcare provider. Paraguard may attach to or go through the uterus. Pregnancy is rare, but can be life-threatening and cause infertility or loss of pregnancy.

At first, periods may become heavier and londle with spotting in between. It won't protect against HIV or STDs. With never a guard, I get everything I need in a birth control and nothing more. So I can keep living my life just like before I'm a healthcare provider, paraguard is right for you Yeah, we definitely don't laugh at the same thing

So tell me what happened for you there I was crying, I was crying laughing I was just as hard as I was just laughing because I... It's ridiculous, I mean it feels like it's like they're trying to teach third graders about Birth control. Yeah to talk like to sing So directly I found a birth control doesn't make me feel sick or anything

Finally with a ingredient that I can pronounce. Yeah, well the music got me so like the music caught me like Shout out to the guy that wrote that commercial. You got real fucking talent, bro Person I don't know if it's a guy or a girl. There you go. There we go, I'm learning. You got fucking talent, person. Because that commercial got me- Possibly, Arab.

Possibly? Anyway, I'm guessing. I don't think you- I don't think you- Religion-wise, you can't write commercials about birth control. That's not a religion, to be Arab is just a regional thing. Bingo. So, luckily, I smell like shit.

So, so, the music's awesome. I love the music. The fucking actress is awesome. She's actually very enthusiastic. And pretty energetic. Energetic, like high school music energy. Like she got me, I'm gonna break it down why I start laughing okay, so start the commercial over This is I could not stop laughing on what the girls at first and

Okay, I see this girl in the yoga mat. I think cool fine, but what's she looking at? I know what she's looking at Okay, I'll tell you when to stop go ahead Control with no hormone Not an ounce with an ingredient I can pronounce okay stop right there that's what it got me that's when I for when I move when no just when she goes with an ingredient I can pronounce yeah and then I'm thinking wait and that's when I start listening to what this is and I'm like wait what and I'm like what what's the hormone now I know the name's paraguard so I'm in when I'm watching this I'm thinking Oh, it's got to be like a pussy shield right like a like oh It's a guard. It's a paragraph. It's like a pussy shield

It's got to be like because I know they stop making the the sponge and I go pussy sponge I go yeah, go this is a sponge. I use those once. Yeah, and so I was like oh cool. They came out with the sponge I'll keep playing okay Effective I know I'm protected a press control that works differently Airdrop one hundred percent okay right there stop that's when I go oh shit. It's an IUD Mm-hmm right and now I'm like oh my god. This is an IUT and she's holding it She's holding it she's squeezing it and it's made out of iron. I think I got copper copper Yeah, and so she's and that's holding it, she's squeezing it, and it's made out of iron, I think. I got this. Copper, and so she's, and that's when I realize

this is simply a commercial to let you know that you can blow loads in her. Like she's singing about, you can blow loads in me. And so I start laughing. They can't say that. They can't say that, they can't say what they mean. So that's when I realize this is so you can blow loads in me. And I start laughing hysterically going,

this is a commercial saying, hey guys, hey, if you want people to come in you, this is how you can do it safe. And you can have people come in you, right? So now I'm paying attention to the commercial. So keep playing, right? So these are all the, now ready? We're going to 10 years using one simple idea. This is where I start dying laughing. So keep playing, right? So these are all the, if now ready? 10 years.

The play? This is where I start dying laughing. Instead of hormones, don't use it if you have the pelvic infection, certain cancers, a lot of people are supposed to see me. She's like, pause, pause. She hands the table, goes, you can come in me. Yeah, you can come in.

So I am falling apart, because look at the look at his face when she says you can come in me. Go kick that play. We're not idea. Yeah, yeah, I can come in her. I wouldn't mind coming in her at all. He's definitely like a, I'm fucking lovely, come in me, go kick that play. If you miss a minute. Yeah, I can come in her. I wouldn't mind coming in her at all. He's definitely like a- I'm fucking loving coming in me.

And then she's walking away, she's like, everyone comes in me. That's why I can, now I can let everyone come in me because I've got paragard. So many people come in me, hit the key playing. I'm laughing hysterically. Or it comes out. Oh shit, one of my fucking pregnant.

I'm not pregnant. Those are dogs, a paragon baby It was I'm fucking crying laughing on my couch going They had a fucking stroller like it's like those older reptile to function commercials We're then all the old men on the boat with rods. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're fucking dogs in it because you can blow loads in her and nothing fucking happens I'm fucking crying laughing! My daughter's going, what the fuck is wrong with dad?

Leanne, this is what kills me, okay? Go, go, go, the last line of the commercial is a beautiful writing. Hit play! Everyone's like, fuck yeah, look how the bullies are talking. Blow loads in each other. Blow loads in her. This is my favorite line. I get everything I need in a birth control and nothing more. So I can keep living my life just like before.

Stop. So I can keep living my life just like before. Like I've been letting dudes blow loads of me for a long time, but I was always concerned. Now I'm not. Yeah. So I am crying. I can't back the fucking like really fucking again.

I get yeah. And so, and we've been talking about coming in each other so much or like you know coming in each coming in We us getting come then you know how we it's been like a topic on this so about prison. Yeah, getting come then Yeah came then I got come then someone came in me. Okay set the scene You just got out of a prison they fucked you in the ass and they came in your ass And now you have to tell me someone came in your ass. Dude, all these guys came in me last night. Oh, you came in someone, that's right, okay.

And so, obviously, when you're going, someone come to me and you're like, you can say that, try saying it, say. Oh, rough night. What happened? 10 dudes come to me? Hi, and that definitely sounds dumb. But I had parents. Regardless, and I can live life like it did before so I'm fucking crying laughing and Leanne is not laughing at all

She's not laughing at all. She's like I don't find it with funny and I go they need to put the line in there So dudes can blow loads inside me and she goes yeah, that's funny to you because you've never taken responsibility for For bloodbling a load. For bustling a load, and I go, what do you mean? She goes, yeah, you've never done shit. I've had to do this. This is, you know, this is women. Yeah.

All women have to take care of themselves because you don't do fucking shit. Men don't do anything. And this turns in way very real conversation. Sounds like it. I also sounds like she might have a little thing that pops up that goes, definitely don't blow him soon. Yeah.

She goes, and then I started going, yeah, I've never really, that's never been on my radar. Like, ever. Yeah, ever. Ever. Have I ever taken responsibility for blowing loads and chicks, I'm like, are you on the pill?

Yeah. Do you have the nuva ring? Do you have a sponge? Wait, what's that thing where you shove it up in there? Yeah, yeah you have the nuva ring? Do you have a sponge? Wait, what's that thing where you shove it up in there? Yeah, yeah. I don't even know how it works. Like that little...

Most men are like this. Most men, and so she said, no, yeah, they have to put this commercial because women can sometimes get sick and they get, it gets caught in your uterus, they get caught in a wall of your uterine line. Like this is like, and they're putting poison, then there's blood clotting and like all these things.

And I started like, oh, you're making the commercial a lot of fun anymore. She was like, well, no like, oh, you're making the commercial not fun anymore. Yeah. She was like, well, no, that's the whole point of the commercial is that this is for women. And basically, it should have said, dudes are fucking so irresponsible. They'll come inside us and they don't even care.

And I was like, oh, wow. Yeah. And so then all of a sudden, I'm like, that's the song I can get behind too. Yeah. Anyway, I will. I'm not even joking. Yeah. Shout out to Paraguard. Yeah. It's very cool that you have this product.

Your commercial is amazing. It caught my eyes. I'm bringing it up on my podcast. You don't need to pay us for this. But I swear to God, please, now that I am socially conscious about the responsibility and the role men's play in blowing loads in women, I would like to write your next commercial.

And I would like to direct it. And I would like to cast it.. I would like to write your next commercial and I would like to direct it and I would like to cast it and I would like to be involved to help Perigard. I think we could really raise awareness to this product and it would be a project I would absolutely love. I love coming in my wife.

Right? I think they might have been considering your pitch until I part of that line. Yeah. but like How great like what would you do? What would you do in the commercial? Okay, I'm thinking about this. Yeah guy and girl on a beach right and Because you got a you got to like you got to like explain why paragars Yeah, so guy and girl on the beach and they're one out of sex and he's like and they're start fooling around

And she's like do you have protection and he's like no, don't you aren't you want like the pill or something? And then she goes no and then they have like a socially conscious conversation about how men never take responsibility And then he pulls out a paraguard and he goes slide this inside of you Wait, I don't even know how do you T.I.s work. Do you have to shove a UTI up there? Does the doctor put it in? Wait, that should be in the commercial that should be in the commercial Yeah, I walk around with paragards Have a bunch I got, my uncle's a doctor. And someone walks by because you want one too? You're the first person to get a lady.

I leave him on the seats and movie theaters. It's so big. Some old lady, I get her dogs. Like, hey, you old bag. You like the fuck still? He throws one in her. That's great. I like your commercial.

Yeah, I don't know how Paraguard works. How does a UTI work? Oh, this hurts. I'm just saying the wrong word the whole time. Let's call Whitney. Yeah. Do you think Whitney is how UTI works? Well, UTI should probably like,

yeah, you gotta drink cranberry juice and oh fuck, that made me laugh. Ask her the way you ask. How does a UTI work? Okay, hey, I wonder if she speaks bird enough to know that I don't mean. Yeah, what I mean. Yeah. What are they called? What are those called? IUDs, I thought that's what they put on. IED. And IED is, no, that's the thing that blows up trucks.

IED. I'm an IED. It's a DUI. That's a DIY. That's a DIY. Oh. Hey, what's up? At the town. Please report to that. Hey, real quick, if you made it this long with us, if you made it through this episode,

we have the big announcement. Oh, that's it. It's all about reward. It's all about reward. So you have the opportunity if you are sticking with us whether you're watching or listening the moment this comes out, the hats are in. They are here. They're going, we decided to hold them until today, Monday, the day this episode comes out. I say we put them in the store today, maybe a couple hours from now, right? What do you think? Like, right now, it's Monday when people are watching this. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't want,

yeah, you don't want the, you want to reward the people that listen to this far, that first day. So, so that's what I'm saying. So this comes out at noon, right? So, and it's, it's going to be about, Noon, right? So, and it's gonna be about, it's a little bit like, yeah, so what do you think, 2 PM? That means like shortly after if you want. What times this come out? Noon, and it would be,

Oh no, you gotta give it, go until 4. 4 PM? Yeah, because, yeah, because I, I listed the podcast pretty quickly, but. Set a settled, settled. 4 PM Pacific, it's gonna be in the store. If you want those hats, but- A settled, settled. 4 p.m. Pacific. It's gonna be in the store. If you want those hats, they're gonna go for sure.

There's a limited question. This is why, because I use that community number that you do not use. Oh boy, yeah. But I use it, I only use it to benefit people who signed up for it so that, like, I only use it to, when I release tickets for a show, or like when I,

when I released my flip flops that sold out in eight minutes. Yeah. Like I you I do it for that so that I go hey thanks for like legit sticking around and being a fan. These are the best of benefit to this number is I'm just gonna release it. You should because I use my number a lot. Yeah. You should post at what the second the hats come out. Yeah. Well we decided to release the hats at four. You should post What the second the hats come out. Yeah, well, we decided to release the hats at four You should post it on your community number. Okay, and say hey guys Special treats for community. I just just post a picture of the hat and a link Okay, just a picture of the hat and a link because anyone who doesn't know what it is

Like you may have people that are fans that don't listen to the podcast. Yeah, just a hat and the link Okay, and what's your community phone number? Do you remember? Fuck now 3 2 3 2 0 8 0 8 4 4 You may have people that are fans that don't listen to the podcast, just a hat and the link. Okay. And what's your community phone number? Do you remember? 323-208-0844. For real? Yeah, that's mine. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah.

I like that number. I think it's a fucking badass app. So how often do you use it? I use it. I just use it the other day to release the flip-flop line. And I'll use it again when I open tickets up for the tour. The tour, by the way, I have added dates and Phoenix and San Antonio and Birmingham.

On this run? On this run in San Antonio, Birmingham. I've had another show in North Carolina at the Comedy Zone wherever that is. I'm in at Leesha's Club in Des Moines, Iowa. Another club in Oklahoma City, Bricktown Comedy Club. So we're gonna be doing Vegas, we're doing Salt Lake City, we're doing, we've got shows the entire three weeks we're gone.

Are you going for three weeks? Three weeks, going shows every single night. And you're hitting clubs too. Yeah, go to burperper.com, I'm doing clubs, 50% capacity. So that's why I say that, that's why this number's valuable, valuable in my opinion, because I want people that want to be there. You know, like this, like really, not just like, post it on the website. So you're gonna fly out want to be there. You know, like that. Of course. Like really, not just like posted on the website. So you're gonna fly out.

No, not flying. No, oh, you're getting picked up. Picked up, wrong. Picking us up in. Do you get, do you hit clubs on the way east? First club, June 29th, or June 19th in, that stand up live. In Phoenix.

And then the next night in San Antonio. Okay, that makes sense. And then here, let me, I'll pull it up real quick real quick My community phone numbers 818-275-5526 818-275-5526 so I am doing you ready for this Yeah June 21st in San Antonio after Phoenix

Birmingham June 23rd, Charlotte were doing a drive in movie theater, June 25th in Greenville, North Carolina at the comedy zone, in the Annapolis 2 shows at a drive in movie theater June 26th, June 27th, Des Moines, Iowa, Shalathalisha, I will see you guys soon, June 28th, Tulsa Oklahoma, one show at a drive in movie theater, 29th Oklahoma City, I'm off the 30th the first in Fort Collins two shows at a drive-in movie theater Salt Lake City of wise guys on the 2nd of July. Um, okay, great man. Yeah, I'm super excited to get back on the road and it's all socially distant, half capacity at the clubs and it's driving movie theaters. I want to go back. I haven't, I have things right now. I have stuff in late August I think. Would you go to the store if they open the store right now?

Fuck yes. Really? Yes. Would you see, I'm kind of curious how we talked about this last week and I know I got a lot of people hit me up like going, yeah, I'm really concerned too. I'm kind of curious to see if the second wave comes after all these protests.

Yeah, I thought about it too. Because they're saying they're just open today, whatever day you're watching for us, they just open movie theaters, yeah, gems. But we haven't seen a decline in new infections. But I don't know. It sounds like the disease is still out there. It's definitely so out there. It's definitely so out there. The thing the monitor though is, I see you, you know, what's it called, people being admitted to ICU. Paraguard, yeah. Paraguard. Like, when that number spikes, that means people are getting really sick with the disease, you know. Yeah, that's one of the things we looked for was the initial, after it, when things went

crazy, they were kind of, they're monitoring new infections, of course, of monitoring deaths, but they're monitoring how much the hospitals are being overwhelmed by people with COVID. That's crazy. We gotta wrap this up. We gotta go. Let's go. Thank you so much. Thank you for our sponsor, we have BMW Stakes,

Forks and Knives, and what was the other one? I forgot. Shit. I'm goddamn it. What? Blowing loads in your wife? Blowing loads in your wife. Hey, I know we've talked a lot and made a lot of jokes

about blowing loads in your wife, but this episode is brought to you by blowing loads in your wife. And also UTIs. And UTIs, IUDs. IEDs. IEDs, Ps DWIs DWIs LLP's yep PRGs OGs OGs and SPCs and OMGs and OMGs thanks so much for listening

for watching and love you. I love you too. Bye. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts, a bed of booze, amateur, fatology, dirty jokes, rancher humor, no apologies, here's what we call,

two bears one cave.