2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 35 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

SPONSORS: - See how much you can save by re-shopping your home insurance rates at Policygenius.com - Use Code: BEARS for 50% off 2 or more pairs at ShadyRays.com - Buy One, Get One Free - Get started with your first month free! Go to ForHims.com/bears. - Go to WHOOP.com and enter “BEARS” at checkout to save 15%. Sleep better, recover faster, and train smarter - Go to hellotushy.com/BEARS get 10% off your order Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing Wild 'n Out and 85 South, two of Bert's favorite new discoveries. They discuss lame agents, managers, and execs; how Cowhead survived coronavirus; lifestyle comedians; Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy; Denzel Washington, Lil Wayne, and Morgan Freeman's comments on racism, and the pronunciation of "nightmare." Spoiler alert: Bert's been saying it wrong. They also talk about some of the top news stories such as the new anti-discrimination law passed by the Supreme Court, Nicki Minaj and Tekashi 6ix9ine's music video, the rising number of coronavirus cases, and Howard Stern's recent backlash. They wrap up this episode by answering Bert's would you rather question: Would you rather dunk, play scratch golf, run an ultra marathon or be able to hit a home run off a major league pitcher?

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, I put the pedal to the metal and go, there's a perfect way to start off, they shut. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit shut. I'm gonna put it in front of everyone. It's gonna be a, maybe that, hey, it's a hundred percent. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, you. I wouldn't say like, Gaze can do whatever they want. It's a civil rights law protects workers the same way that, you know, that's what the Supreme Court upheld today. It's not that Gaze can just do what they want. I haven a civil rights law protects workers the same way that, you know,

that's what the Supreme Court upheld today. It's not that Gays can just do what they want. I'm in the news. That's what you said. Also, Gays can do what they want. No, I didn't. That's it. And they can do that what they want. You do you. I've been extremely focused on, like I've read a book,

I was thinking on this quarantine, I've read a book about, um, about slavery, I read a book about, you did? dude, one, I listened to it on audio tape. I just feel like I felt like it was ever going on. I should listen to every, I should listen to these audio books about North Korea, about slavery,

and about the Tulsa Nazca in 1921. Those are the three ones I've read. And I've watched a lot of wild and out. I've watched an obscene amount of wild and out. I have watched so much wild and out that I could actually give notes. And I'm shocked that there's no one at standards and practices at MTV that edits these guys.

That's like a bad 1980s pitch for a movie, like a comedy movie, like it's a professor who starts off With some real history stuff and he's like let's just watch wild now and then the students are like he's cool I know who a Zellia Banks is now. Oh good. I'll watch your cry on wild now You did dude the wild and out is a great fucking show what you cry about hold on wild and out I want to be on wild and out and I want you to be on wild and out is a great fucking show. What you cry that hold on wild and out I want to be on wild and out and I want you to be on wild and out and I want you to be on next team Me on the other team. I'll be on the platinum team you be on next team with this could this could probably happen dude It would be terrifying like tear. Do you think you could rap battle the way they do?

There's really good at rap battles. So are you familiar with wild and out? I know of the show of course. Yeah, it's a wrap battles. So are you familiar with Wild and Out? I know, but the show, of course. It's a cushioned show. They bring on a celebrity. And then they do sketches at first. And then they'll do like dozens. And then it ultimately ends with more than that. But the highlight is the wrap battle between the two teams.

I can, in my opinion. And everybody takes a turn? Everyone takes a turn. And there are some good ones. If you watch the top 10 Wild and Out closers, if you watch the number one Wild and Out closer, it is fucking awesome. I mean, I gotta be honest with you, I love the show,

but I love hip hop and I'm told you, I'm obsessed with the 85 style show. Yes. And so, they had, do they had, Trinidad James on today? Yeah. Dude, Trinidad James does, this Yeah, dude, Trinidad James does a, this is a show we need to steal from.

They do such big fucking things. Where on what? On 85 South Show, the number, you know what they did? They bring him in. It's like an interview. Remember you said you wanna interview people? Yeah. There was like a football player, can we interview him?

Yeah. They bring him in. This is legit. I mean, for podcast level, like where we're all at, they are making a fucking TV show. Trennidja James goes in, sings one of his songs and then one of his new songs. They do an in-depth interview with him.

Well, like, I think just DC Young Fies is smoking weed, but they do like in-depth interview. It's fucking amazing. It was great. And so, yeah, so those two guys got involved. Trenas, dope, he sent me a package. I just picked it up, so thank you very much. He did not.

I got it, yes, I'm sorry. You are fucking crazy. I swear to God. Dude. He uh, he talks about openly about depression and about writer's block. It was fucking amazing. It was amazing.

But my point is those two guys got me in a wild and out Them and Chico being got me in a wild and out and I have been Literally binge watching while so me what's the best finish to a while? Okay, but can we we probably watch it? Yeah, why not cuz I get flagged. Oh, it's on television Good point good point Good point It is point good point good point um it is uh they it was it was one with uh I don't

know I only know like a couple of people on the show right there was that true that for real what are you talking about? Yeah, man. I saw the dollet. No way. Yeah. How do you know him? I did full-size run, the sneaker show. He's one of the co-hosts of that. For real? Yeah.

God dammit. How do you know so many more famous people? I'd be the celebrity whore. If someone said who knows more celebrities you go, it's Bert, he's a fucking whore. Like, he'll do anything. Maybe you'd say. I know no one. I know no one.

You know it's like, we were talking to that person the other day. I don't know any managers. I don't know any agents. I know mine. Yeah. I don't know any execs. I definitely don't know any execs now that they're all the players.

Oh yeah, yeah, a lot of them to get fired. There's no such thing as an exec anymore. Shout out to all the execs. If you guys are looking for jobs. Yeah. No, you know a few. You know a few. No, I don't even know, I know your manager, Josh. You know what the fucking the worst is.

What? So I did, I'm sure you've done these. So everything's changed in our business, where, you know, if you're watching this, you know, we go in for meetings to like pitch ideas, right? And usually it's a whole fucking affair, right? Where you're there like, first of all, it's the scheduling and then everybody cares of hands over

to this, you know, networks building, you go up and you wait and then they, it's a whole charade and now it's all in Zoom. You just sit at your lap, which I love. I fucking love it. I hope we never go back to going in person, but so I'm in one of these Zoom meetings, pitching a show.

And it's like a cool show. I know it's a show you're, is it the show I'm in one of these zoom meetings pitching a show and it's a it's like a cool show The show your is it show I'm thinking of yeah, yeah, the one I talked to you about yeah, so it's a pretty and I have I have like big Producers attached really big really big the biggest yeah, so I watched one of these new shows last night Oh, yeah, yeah, yep, so we're sitting there in this of this new shows last night. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm at Flex. So we're sitting there in this Zoom meeting

and then the executives come in. And I recognize, I know one for sure, because I'm from memory. So I was like, oh my God, how you doing? And then the other people are like, hi, and I'm like, nice to meet you. And they're like, no, I know you. And I was like, ah, and so that's when you start to go like,

fuck, I just forgot who that was. And then I go, you know, I think the last time I saw you to the person I know, I'm like, was in the lobby of this other building. And the person goes, nope. And I was like, no. This is like everybody watching. And I was like, what was the last time I saw you? And they're like, well, we were at your show.

You know, when you had your big show at the whatever theater. And I was like like You're at that And they're like well, yeah, we came backstage and then the guys like yeah, I came backstage too And I was like now I remember they all knew I was like Oh, man, it was and then and then you just have to switch it up. You're like, I got it. Yeah, so anyway, here's the show idea I want to talk to you guys about. It's the worst.

I got, I can beat you. I was in a pitch meeting last week. But I won't say, I won't say it in case they so they don't know it's them. But if they do know it's them, then they know it's them. A beautiful executive. Probably the prettiest executive I've ever seen. Guy or girl?

Guy. And no kidding, girl ever seen. Guy or girl. Guy. And no kidding girl, girl, girl, girl. Okay. Like, like, the kind of person that in the Zoom meeting, I knew we were all looking at their square. Like, everyone was looking at their square. Their square. Her exact look.

She was that attractive. And she said, one of the first words out of her mouth is, I'm a huge fan of Tom Sigeris. For real? And that part of me was like, she is, I'm a huge fan of Tom Sageris. For real? And that part of me was like, I'm And get paid, that's great. And then some of the places it was just, it didn't make sense to me.

Like, because I know how I take in content. Yeah. And if you told me that, so we'll go back to 85 South East. But if you're burping a lot today. No, I know. I just hot dogs, Chinese boo. Oh, yeah.

And I know if they were going to do a tour in a boss and go explore the country post-COVID and With what's going on? What's going on? The COVID like got hacked and so And so we look this second cow head got it and didn't die. I'm like, yeah, you don't die from COVID. Yeah Apparently a new one dies So can you talk about that or no? Like how ahead? Well, just like I mean for our audience, like like-

You're not allowed to talk about the symptoms. Yeah, yeah. So, so, cow head, give people like a summary of who that is if they don't know. Cow head is my friend, both of our friends. Yeah, yeah, but a long time friend of yours. Yeah, I've known him for, I've known him for, as long as he's been married,

I'm probably 17 years. Yeah. He's a radio DJ in Tampa. And, uh. Had you on early, early in your career? Oh, like he had me on still featuring, he had me coming and do radio. This is when he was doing, I think, AM.

And we had him. Yeah, he used to do AM sports talk. And he's only one sports hilarious. Yeah. And so it shows you with the radio world how they work. So like this guy can talk, just give him a mic. And so now he's got the biggest show. I think he's got the biggest show in Florida.

Yeah. And and he, I posted online, he's like, I got COVID. And I was like, he's like, this is the face of COVID. And he, I will be candid. I know he's watching this. I love him death. He makes us look like fucking male models. Like this guy, like we look like we along on the cover

of men's health. Trust me, we all like to eat. Yeah. Okay, so this second cow had got it. And by the way, I remember health. Trust me, we all like to eat, but okay, so, there's a second cow head got it. And by the way, he's the guy you go to where you're like, oh, Doc says my blood pressure is up. He was like, I don't worry about it. You're like, really?

He goes, oh, yeah, my mind's wanting a 210 over 170. Fuck, you're like, how the fuck? He's okay, they can't get it down. You know, you don't want to, and he is the most calm, calm and relaxed. He's very true. Dude, ever, ever. And I'm known him forever.

I love him, but he got COVID. And he's like, yeah, no symptoms. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah, everyone else got it. Let's see what he says. Let's call him. You think he'll answer? Yeah, he's one of the people that introduced me to

Warns out. He did? Oh, we never got in touch with Warren. Yeah, I know. You know why? Because Pete, his buddy Pete, who lost his virginity in a car? And guess what song was playing?

Monster Mash. What a horrible song to lose your virginity too. It was the mash. It was the monster mash, the monster mash. It was a graveyard smit. What if he's what if he sounds really sick? He should answer his phone I am not him Covid

Well, he's gonna answer bro. It sounds like he sent me to another line. Can you text, sap again? Yeah. Can I text some please for you once? Never give you fucking, no, no. Can I just, how many are doing two bears one cave when we wanna talk about the COVID call us? Can I just dictate for you to, and you can decide whether you wanna say that?

Nope, nope, nope. For Warren. Nope. Let's keep moving forward. Wait, why can't you? I'm not taking your phone, I'm just suggesting. So the point is, the point is if I was gonna watch

one of my, someone I dig, like say, like Mark Norman put that set on, on much more call it on YouTube. YouTube's, and it went great. I don't want a network involved. Yeah. And I wanted to go on YouTube so I can watch YouTube's. YouTube's and it went great. I don't want a network involved. Yeah. And I wanted to go on YouTube so I can watch it whenever. That's all.

So I was like, I kind of was like, I don't know if I want to part. So what are you going to do? What are you going to do for the film? Just do it. I just bought a bunch of equipment. You did? Yeah, what you're by.

Two cameraman, we've a producer working on it. I got. And they're coming with you for the whole trip. Blackmagic, 90D, and another cannon. I've got, I got five, lobster, lobster, lobster mics and film the whole thing. What are you going to cut together? and another canon, I've got five lobular mics and film the whole thing. What are you gonna cut together?

One thing or a bunch of clips? I don't know. I think just a bunch of clips and just put it out daily and put some stand-up, like I guess, some stand-up that I can burn through. Yeah. That isn't gonna work in a special. I think that's really smart, man.

Yeah, and I was like, I think I'd rather do that than like one of the places was like, would you be ready to air it in November? And I was like, well, I'm ready to air it like Saturday. And they're like, oh, we wanna wait till November. And I was like, okay, yeah, I'm not gonna do that. And they're like, yeah. Yeah, because that's just the turnaround on the network.

Is they wanna give notes and they wanna. Yeah, and you're like, no. So you're gonna control it yourself. You're gonna control it myself, making myself. I can't wait. I think it's really cool. Are these guys gonna be with you on the bus then? The camera guys?

Yeah, two cameraman on the bus. Guys you know or new guys? John Mann's is my cameraman from birth conqueror and then my cousin Andrew. And then we'll all have mics, we'll grill out, we're gonna have a, we're gonna go. Who are you bringing on the road with you? Dave Williamson, Shane Torres and Jesus Trejo. All three? All three and three and then Ron for the whole run. Yeah for the whole run. Oh wow

Ron's driving how excited is there? I'm so for everyone's excited with these Thursday night. That's exciting I can't fucking wait for shows and say I know I'm already written like like I know are all the three guys all doing time Every show. Yeah, how much time? Yeah, do 10 minutes each Yeah, you know everyone fuck around and then just party the whole way there. I think those, those, we approach the roads so differently. I know why. I think about it sometimes.

Cause like, I would be so upset to if someone was like, and then we'll party the whole way. I'd be like, whoa, what are you talking about? What would you want to do? Just sleep and stuff? Yeah. Like, like, okay. Ready?

Yeah. I'm gonna, I've already fantasized about this. Yeah. Leap Thursday night at 11 o'clock, drive to Phoenix. Okay. Okay. Six hour drive, seven hour drive. Six hour drive, probably on a bus seven. Start drinking around sunset, around seven o'clock.

Okay. So by the time we leave, I should be pretty fucking wasted. I Cannot wait like I can't wait for the bus to start driving and everyone to make cocktails and everyone to find their seat Where they're gonna sit for the rest of the trip and then just be like someone be like hey, does anyone want some pizza? Look at you already rubbing your phone together. Skipper fingers. God I can't wait I can't wait. I know I already already know some jokes. I'm gonna tell in skin uh in um God you're so excited. I can tell it's like genuine excitement. Oh, it's so exciting I'm so excited to tell jokes again because yeah, I went through today and I went through because I had I mean

I mean we were talking like we're friends who are texting like I don't feel comfortable getting on stage and charging people money to see me on stage What remember that fucking numb nuts the drugs people you know that guy I didn't know who you were talking about Okay, I think I'm totally past him drugging me now Like I kind of think it's cool now. I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now. I think I think I think it's cool now. I think I think I think it's cool now.

I think I think I think it's cool now. I think I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now. I think I think I think it's cool now. I think I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now. I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now. I think I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now. I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now. I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now.

I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now. I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now. I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I'm totally past him drugging me now. I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I So he even though he like he was like, you know, he's always been the weirdest business man in the world He's a weird guy. Do you remember what he said he goes? Oh, here's my idea, okay $20 tickets $20 tickets for everybody and then the people who get the worst seats I Switch them with the people up front all the people that got best seats I moved them to the back they go to the back and then I take all the people in the back row and they go to the front

All the people in the back row paid $10 that's all they can afford well now. I'm gonna get got best seats, I moved them to the back. They go to the back, and then they take all the people in the back row, and they go to the front. All the people in the back row paid $10, that's all they can afford. Well now I'm gonna get them best seats. I go, what about the people in the front row that you just moved to the back? They're gonna be a little upset. He goes, no, fuck them. I'm like, that's not the way to do business.

I'm sorry. He's like, no, it makes sense, it makes sense. But he was like, I don't know. I just had a special call out. I'm gonna go to Asia for four months. No. No. No.

No. No. I'm not really sure why for four months. Spooner. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But he goes, he's like, you know, he's like, are you charging ticket prices for payable? See, I was like, yeah! And he was like, are you comfortable doing that? I was like, I already had a new hour. I was touring in theaters, but when the COVID kicked in. So like, I have an hour. I love this.

For the back of anyone listening, Ari feels like, if he doesn't have an hour prepared for you, he doesn't wanna charge you. I shouldn't speak for Ari, because he will charge you anyway. But he thinks about his fellow man a lot with that stuff. He does, he really gives a fuck about the customer. Where I do too, but I think at a certain point,

you're like, I've been to a stand up for a fucking 22 years, I'm gonna be able to do a really good show. 90 days off, I'm gonna be fine. Like, it's all I know how to do for a living. My brain thinks that way. So will your first set be Friday and Phoenix? Friday and Phoenix. And as your first set since COVID started.

Yeah, I'm gonna start. I'm gonna tape it. Yeah. And then I'm gonna, I think I'm just gonna put it online. Really? Yeah. Right? But you're gonna fuck around the whole thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love being on stage. Like, fucking around on stage is my favorite thing in the world. Like, I have jokes that aren't really totally written yet, that I've kind of like figured out and things have changed. Like, so like, the way I write a joke hasn't changed, but the world's changed a little bit. Yeah. So, I wanna know what your angle's gonna be on

all the race stuff, you know? I don't, you know, I've always been fascinated by that, by whatever that fucking shift in the ethos, you know, like in the world is just about cultural differences. This is fascinating. Current, these last three months, but particularly the last month, has an impact on what is perceived as funny, like it changes things, you know? It's comedy changes every few years anyway, and there's sometimes there's moments that affect, like there's no way that what happened is not going to affect the way that like, that

your perspective is perceived, you know? Like so it's really interesting to see where people go. And this will be's the fastest. It's so fascinating because, you know, part of what makes great comedy is the danger and the, and the, and the, and the, almost like tightrope walking of it. Like it's, it makes it great. So I don't know.

I, I definitely don't like, I was watching Andrew Schultz has such great stuff on on Instagram and I just I don't really care that much about political stuff. I like and I'm blessed to not care a ton so I don't like I don't put eggs in that basket but I do enjoy for I mean you know we've worked together our whole lives you know I love the dangerousness of going into a scary territory and trying to work my way out of it. Yeah. But I don't know what'll be crazy,

especially going to do a Birmingham. I'm doing, I think we're doing New Orleans, we're doing San Antonio. Are you gonna open with, hey guys, you wanna equal rights? How about don't burn these businesses, like something like that? Yeah, yeah, something really aggressive.

Go at them. Yeah, you know? The nouns, if I wanted to change. Riding is not the way to get what you want guys like something like that Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, come on guys. Hey, dude. You see the fucking video. You know how hard it is to be a cop start with that You know how hard it is to be a cop? Did you see the video of the people in their in their apartments and the and the Protests are going down and their videotape and they're going yay

Yeah, and then a brick comes through the window and they're like, mother fuckers, they're like, we're on your side. The windows are closed. No one can hear them. We're on your, another brick through the window. No, it is fucking. This is on where, where'd you sit?

I have no idea. I saw it online. There was a guy who was doing prank, it was an article I read a couple days ago. There's a guy doing prank videos where he's going up to white people and he's saying get on your knees and apologize for being white

and white people are doing it. What? Yeah, oh yeah. Is it a prank video? He's doing it, he's pranking, he's doing a live stream and he just walked around New York and he's like, hey, I work for Black Lives Matters in order to show that you support the fun,

you support us, get on your knees and apologize for being white and white people are like sure thing And then he's like say it say it and then this woman's like, you know I'm trying to think of the right words. I don't want to I don't want to not mean it and you're like good So good fucking good person going like on her knees go on her knees I pulled up you can find this guy. I guarantee you I saw it on a I saw it on some article, but it was like it's fucking comical Jesus, I actually thought what would you do if some guy said get on your knees?

No No, it'd be said hey man do it for black lives matters. No. He said hey apologize for being white fuck you I have such a problem with people telling me what to do. Well, yeah, that's why. I mean, I could never, I'm certain this isn't him. No, this is God. I wish I could possess his fingers for a second. No, I know. And just write in the thing that we need to watch. And the funnier one, it's kind of sad

when you see that because you're like, the guy's doing more arm than a good. I think he's a YouTube personality that did the, get on your knees and apologize for being white. I think he's a YouTube personality, but the funnier one is the fucking people in the apartment cheering on protesters in the project.

Can you find that or no? Brick through their window. It was fucking comical. What do you think he's typing in? This is like they're right. Protesters get ripped through it. Now he's good. Good. Imagine if he was like who the authorities relied on.

They're like, can you like CIA was like, like if it was a movie? Can you do a decent thing? He's like, who the authorities relied on. They were like, can you, like, CIA was like, like if it was a movie. Can you do a D's in the game? He was like, nothing comes up, guys. I'm not getting a lead. Keep them on the phone longer. Who I know have been lot and is in Pakistan. He's like, I typed, it's not there.

I drive. I'm not getting anything. Oh. All right. Okay, all right. Okay, the gaze. You said you wanted to know what was going on. So I have not known, that's not what I said. I said I haven't read the news.

So you tell me big things in the news. Go through your Google news, big things you said were going on. I stopped reading, I stopped reading the news. I texted you, I said I won't read this. By the way, I got this from Stanford. Did you know Stanford went off the news for 30 days? No. All? Completely off the news.

Completely off news for 30 days. Came back and he was angry that not enough had changed. Really? Yeah. He was like, I fucking knew Tom Brady went to the box. And I was like, that's all he's getting about. That's all he cared about. I got it.

He loves the football, right? He loves football. Yeah, it's so interesting. You don't think of like Stanhope as a, like if you don't know. Dude, he got into hockey. Recently? Like, because it was like fun to drink to and watch,

he just got into hockey. It was like, yeah, let's give hockey a shot. I try getting in a NASCAR. The end of a NASCAR race is pretty good. Like eight laps to go is good, but my watching a NASCAR race gets very tiresome. Yeah, I've never understood it and then... I never understood it and then it's one of those things where people who I wouldn't suspect

our fans told me that when you go it's insane. Going is amazing. Yeah. Going to it's amazing. We went to Talladega and sat in the infield. It's an amazing experience. It's overwhelming. It's fucking great. But I tried to get into it because I went to Talladega and sat in the infield. It's an amazing experience. It's overwhelming.

It's fucking great. But I tried to get into it. So I went to Talladega and I enjoyed it. And then I was like, I could find something to love. Like why wouldn't you do that? Like, do you remember when you're a kid and you heard about cutting? And you were like, well, I gotta try that.

Maybe it's like, do you know cutting though? Like when you cut yourself? Yeah. Remember when you didn't hang on saying it. So you've never heard of things in life where you're like, like kids are cutting and then I'm like, I wonder what that's like. I should try it out.

Nope. When I heard that people were cutting, I was like, oh, that's sad and fucked up. I don't want anything to do with that. You never tried it a little bit? Nope. Definitely tried it a little bit. Did you do it when you heard about bulimia?

Were you like, I'm just gonna stuff myself and puke? No, but, no, but I definitely, I would love, I don't like throwing up. Well, yeah, I know. Do you like open wounds on your arm? No, I would do it. It was, I would do it like in areas. What, you did it?

Yeah, not a lot, but like a little bit. To deal with, not even deal, I wasn't dealing with anything. I just wanted to see what the draw was. Uh-huh, and what'd you think? Eh, it's weird to cut yourself. It's like really weird. Yeah.

Here, get a, see if, do we have a razor blade? It's fucking bizarre. You should cut yourself. No. Do it right on your arm. I did it right on my arm. I did like a cross with a razor blade. And it was crazy.

You go into the skin and you see it, you do like, Did Albert senior see this? No, no, this is back when you didn't share stuff like that with your parents. I mean, what do you think he would say? I'm thinking that he would be like, what the fuck?

How old were you when you did that? I was probably ninth grade eighth grade. Can we call him? No, no, no, no, there's a lot my dad does not know about me that like he would be like, what? What, why the fuck would you do that? And then he would change the way he looked at me. So I can't, yeah, those are things.

Yeah, I'm feeling those vibes right now. Do you remember? You remember I did that, I had that video that I shot in the beach house. I think it was when you and Chuck were staying with me where I was trying to catch the green flash. Do you remember that? No. It was a green flash. It flash, do you remember that? No.

The green flash, it's like when the sun hits the horizon, it's one of the second, a green flash pops up. Okay. So I set up a camera on the beach in clear water, and I was videotaping it, and then right as the sun hits the horizon, I cut to me in a thong in the kitchen, just going, oh, the moon's coming up. Like, and I just show my ass, I'm just grinding your dad's on this or no

Just so I guess my someone's like oh burst got starting to put things online and my dad's in his office I don't check this out which is called YouTube and he goes and he goes to green fly. Oh my dad's like you know my dad God can't believe he got the green flash guys come here. So everyone guys And his office and he plays it and he he's like, oh, speed up. Just speed up a little bit. Just get into the green flash. And then it cuts, it's like, oh, you like sunsets? Oh, you want to see a sunset?

And I turn around into my ass. My head called me immediately. He goes, why would you do something like that? He's like, that was in the beach house. You put on a speedo, a thong, speedo in the beach house, and dance like that in the kitchen. in the kitchen and I was like yeah And he goes to fuck wrong with you like what if someone sees that and I go I want to see it. Yeah, it's the whole point He's like god damn. I mean I had so many jokes. I tell him a joke and he would go

He would be like this calm. No, no, no, no, no. I we're going through a thing right now really. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah What's it about nothing? It's not bad, it's good, but it's just a very long story. You're dead. I mean, if it wasn't for the last five years, you think he would be like my son. I think I saved it at the buzzer. You did?

I think I'm really saved at the buzzer. You think he'd be like, fuck. He really does not. I mean, he loves me, loves me. Of course. I think he just really saving the buzzer. You think he'd be like, fuck. He really does not. And he loves me, loves me. Of course. But I think he just, he can't really wrap his head around what I do. Like I'm riding a joke about.

That was cool though when you did Tampa last, and he took his shirt off and he went on stage. Yeah, yeah. That was cool. He likes that. He's fine with me and we're good. We can hang out, we talk on the phone all the time. We have a great relationship. But what I do for a living, we're good. Like, we're gonna hang out, we talk on the phone all the time. We have a great relationship.

But what I do for a living or what I find funny or what makes me giggle, like he doesn't. He doesn't. Like, if you pitched him like, I'm about to go on the bus and then it'll be party the whole way across. Well, all my friends were gonna grill out and just party the whole way. He'd be like, God damn it, don't fucking don't do that.

He already told me not to do this tour. He's like, this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard of our country's going in the middle of the second wave And you're getting on a goddamn bus driving across country trying to catch this fucking thing He's like you're gonna ride the second wave of this coronavirus back to LA Bring your kids kill your fucking god. Oh god. Why the fuck would you do this? That's why my dad looks at things And then I'm like dad. It's gonna be fun. We're gonna film it He's like, I don't see this fun hanging out with your family's fun He's he does I don't see this fun. Hang it out, your family's fun. He does not get.

He does not, I don't wanna say he doesn't get my personality, but like there are parts of me that he just looks like. Yeah. Like I said, I used to have a joke, something about abortion doctor. Oh, how does someone become an abortion doctor? Is there someone in med school thinking, well, I wanna work with kids, but, you know,

I don't wanna have all these lollipops around. I wanna meet chicks, chicks who fuck chicks we can blow loads in. And so he said, he called me up, one of his friends told him that joke. And he was like, why, why? And what do you mean, he goes, why would you tell that? I said, this is funny, he goes, no, it's not.

The abortion is not funny. He thinks it's a sad thing. Why would you, it's not funny that someone becomes, who's trying to help women through a hard time in their life. These women don't want to make that decision. I was like, what's not funny when you break it down like that? Yeah, but he's like, I thought it was kind of funny. Yeah, you could take that speech and make anything not funny.

I mean, that sucks the most when you don't. Somebody speech and make anything not funny. I mean that sucks the most Somebody is that it was funny hilarious. I liked one of the jokes birthday He told it to my dad my dad just looked at him like this Okay, and then called me up. I was like, what are you doing? Yeah, he was like my dad I think my dad would love Sebastian. Yeah, yeah, cuz I'm my dad my dad. Yeah, I don't think yeah That that observational humor. He looks, he looks, he wouldn't like, like, I don't, I don't know if he'd like your standup. I'm just thinking of like my own dad, who's like, he just like, he thinks it's

disloyal to watch other standups. I'm like, you can enjoy other stand, he goes, why? You're my son, I'm like, I know, but you're not abandoning me. Just go watch other people, he's like, not usually one stand-up. Oh, my dad is oblivious to the fact that there are other people.

He'll go, you know this Joe Rogan guy, right? I go, yeah. Okay, hey, what's his deal? I'm like, I don't know. What do you mean? Tell me something about the guy cuz I see the stuff with Elon. Why would he make that guy smoke weed? I'm gonna go he didn't make him smoke me. He's a grown-up dad He was like, I mean we've been putting it out there. I mean, I don't know my dad called me. He goes you're your friend I Is the way That's Is there a can you grab a paper towel or something? Sorry. Oh

Funny. Thank you. Thank you. I watched I someone put together a clip of the five hardest times I've laughed that was so funny I laughed again watching it Yeah, I woke up in the morning with Leanne and I watched it with Leanne again. Hey, we grab another diet coke. I just spit on this one I I laughed so fucking hard at that. That was funny. Who's put that together? I've no idea really? Yeah It's great. Maybe my team might have, like, registered someone or a crowd surf. Thank you. The, oh, that was fucking, I love laughing more than anything.

It's the best. It is the best. Tell me some news, I'm not gonna- Okay, I didn't finish telling you this though. This is the best. It's my dad. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was your friend.

He goes, your friend, this rogan guy, and I go, yeah, he goes, got a big contract, Spotify. And I go, yeah, that's pretty awesome. And he goes, they're gonna reach out to you for something like that. And I go, I don't think so.

And he goes, no, I go, I mean, you'd kind of have to build it up to where somebody wants to do that. And he's like, he should work on that. I was like, yeah, thanks for the advice. Thanks. I just found out chip and Joanna gains. Yeah. And now they got their own network. I didn't realize it was replacing DIY network. They have a network replacing DIY. So they're getting rid of DIY network. Is that the network they were on?

No, so they were on HTTP. Right. HTTP is like, it's more feminine. It's like more like design friendly, like more like pastels, and like, let's just, we don't need to tear the room down. Let's just rearrange it. Yeah.

And DIY is like, let's tear this barn down to the ground and then let's build it up in this remote location. Like everyone in DIY networks got a beard or a like, like very insensitive jokes often. Like I remember one, it's like very tone deaf. I remember watching one and the girls, the girls like, so you guys gonna help me move this stuff. I heard what's his name saying,

if you don't move this stuff, he's got a picture of you in a dress. You want us to show that to people? And in my head I'm like, it's not like, this is not the people that do it all the time. I gotta think you're missing. So I get it. But Jim and Chip and Joanna are doing,

they have a whole, their own fucking network. Would it just be programming of them or they'll program other things? I think they are the presidents of this network. And we need a show on this fucking network. Would it just be programming of them or they'll program other things? I think they are the presidents of this network. And we need a show on this fucking network. Now listen, I know we've talked shit, I've talked shit about them in the past I think. Maybe it's a good way to sell them. Well that's why because it's all about acceptance. What show are we gonna pitch Chippin Joanna? It's a lifestyle network and I am the lifestyle comedian.

I have a live-flop line. I have a signature summer look. Your signature summer look is really taking off. It's blowing up dude. Everyone's now reaching out with their own signature summer look and so there's a lot of things. I think I'm a lifestyle brand, I'm a lifestyle comedian. I'm probably the only lifestyle comedian.

Top five lifestyle comedians. Lifestyle comedians. Lifestyle comedians. Okay. Okay. Margaret Cho. No, that's not a lifestyle. She's just Asian. But you know, Asian can't be a lifestyle.

But I wasn't suggesting that Asian is a lifestyle. I'm saying that she't be a lifestyle. Like, it's like- But I wasn't suggesting that Asian is a lifestyle. I'm saying that she has a definitive lifestyle. Like, she parties, she's sexually liberated. I think you're missing the brand. Okay. Lifestyle brand. Pull up lifestyle. Pull up the definition of lifestyle.

Clock, clock. Clock? Hey, clock. Navad, Nadev. Lifestyle. The way in which a person lives, right? Denoting advertising or products designated to appeal to a consumer by associating with a desirable lifestyle. My lifestyle, as a Chrysher, the lifestyle comedian is a nice cocktail, right?

A sunset, a cigar, maybe a hit or two off a joint, an open-faced Hawaiian shirt, a visor, maybe a little exercise in the morning, right? A little treadmill action. A little treadmill action, and some comedy. That's my lifestyle, right? I tailgate at my own shows. I'm a tailgate guy.

Like I'm like a lifestyle brand. Okay. So now, give me lifestyle comedians. Like Margaret Cho's, I mean, I guess, I guess, I think she's veered away from it, but she was like a sex lifestyle. That's what I was suggesting. Okay, I'll take it.

I'll take it. Margaret Cho, the sex, like, dungeon-ass. Yeah, and like being sexually, you know, comfortable with whatever you want, whatever you desire. That's what I thought of her. Okay, okay, I'll take it. She's like, whatever you're into, do it,

because that's what she does. Okay. And she's open about it. Chelsea Handler was a lifestyle comedian a while. And she stopped, I think. Now she's really. She was a hardcore lifestyle comedian. Now she's really put her, what about your boy Stanhope?

I gotta tell you what. Isn't that a lifestyle? Stanhope's definitely a lifestyle comedian. Now she's really put her, what about your boy stand-hope? I gotta tell you what. Isn't that a lifestyle? Stand-hope's definitely a lifestyle comedian. Yeah. I gotta give props to Chelsea Handler where props are due. Why? Because I used to, I used to not,

I don't like getting political, so I used to be turned off by comics that like would get political on their feeds. But then I thought, what a great, like her name, you sure me, this is is gonna fucking not everyone's gonna agree with this But they had a lot to lose by getting political more to lose than the game, right? Right correct? Sure, I guess you could make that case and then kind of cool like remember we were talking about blocking people I want to yeah, I don't want those people in my feet anyway. Yeah, that was like kind of a good move

I'm like going oh here my politics. I don't like you anyway. my feet anyway. Yeah. That was like kind of a good move of like going, oh, here are my politics. I don't like you anyway. Oh yeah. Get the fuck out. I only want like-minded people with me. It's kind of interesting. Like I really kind of, it's funny when you tweet, like I tweeted something,

I don't know, a week ago or so, just making fun of Trump because he wrote the most insane tweet. And like there are people in the comments who are like, goodbye Tom. I'm done with you for this. I'm like, okay, sure. I can't believe.

Bye. Yeah, it's kind of interesting to watch. Like, I'm not a fan of like, what happens, I noticed a lot what happens is you see actors tweeting politics. Yeah. And they're simply doing it because they know that that insures work for them. Like if you don't, there's some other one.

But does it, because that feels like that's, you cannot work in this business and be conservative. You will not work in this business. I mean, just what's his name? The guy who's on Guardians of the Galaxy, they just had a video of him. Chris Pratt? Chris Pratt had a shirt on that other people had you worn and Co-opted for alt-right. It was the flag for like Delaware or whatever. It's like don't tread on me

Mm-hmm, and they fucking lit that guy up like they oh they went after him and See what happened with Gundy you don't follow the head coach of Oklahoma state Hold on No, I don't know what happened with Gundy. You don't follow the head coach of Oklahoma State. Hold on. No, I don't know what you're talking about. Okay. Do you wanna, do you wanna, yeah, what were you gonna say? I don't know.

You said hold, you were about to say something, no? Do you wanna know this? Yes, I do. So my Gundy is the, he's been the coach there for a while. And he's like, you know what I find refreshing? Oh, oh, oh. Own like one American. And he's like, you know what I find refreshing? This own like one American network, which is like, it looks like a college, like a D3 college set and production level.

And they're basically a hard right-leaning, praise the president network. It's nonsense, it's propaganda. He's like, finally, a refreshing network that just gives you the news. Which is, wait, which is happening. Well, that was like his opinion a while ago. Like he just said that and people were like,

whatever dude, like it was, it's not a big deal that that's your opinion, that's fine. He had, there's a picture of him, I don't know if it's with his sons, but he's wearing a t-shirt from the network. So there's like, own network. His star running back was like, nah. And was like, I will not be associated

with a Oklahoma State football. Are you serious? Yes, over this shirt. And then other players are also like, yep, no. I thought it was owned as an Oprah's network. No, no, no. One Amer, O-A-N is how they, yeah. He's like, nope, I'm not going to play

with you. I'm not going to play for you if you're wearing that shirt. Are you serious? Yeah, it's kind of, I think I think those are like, Gandhi's kids or something, man. But yeah, they're like, no, we're not on the same team. I don't know enough about that own place to. It's hilarious. I don't never see it. But it is I do here's all you need to know Trump is now been is now being like this is the network to watch He's like he has announced that Fox is over. He's like Fox used to be good now. They're not so he's like owns where it's at Own is a reliable Journalistic place to go for your

So wait so So embarrassing dude. It's so it's so wait, but how the here's where I go like No, I mean, I'm just paying devil's advocate right now, but like so then This is not the greatest thing to say and what's going on, but then tell me what political views I'm allowed to have. No, yeah, you make a good point. You make a good point. Like I can't have a differing view. I mean, I don't know.

You make a good point. I don't know this coach and I don't even know anything they've ever said. Yeah, but tell me what I'm allowed to say or allowed to what shirt's I allowed to wear. Yeah. So that we cannot like, because, so like you're making a point that's a valid point.

And at the same time, it's kind of, some things are just about reading the room, reading the moment, just poor timing, things like that. So if you look at the current climate of the week and the month that we're in, and then you're a player on a, and you see your coach wearing something that anyone with any sense would associate with just a certain point of view. And it is. There is a power structuring that he is your coach.

He's your coach. He's the guy who tells you what to do, you know? Yeah. I mean, I like, I, if I can't imagine, I don't know, I just know so many fucked up people that I have fucked up views. Yeah. That I just, I don't, you just block out there.

I don't, yeah. I never really cared about someone's view. I've never cared enough about someone's views. Yeah. I mean, I'm fucking Ros my bus driver. He said some pretty fucked up things about why people at times. Yeah.

And I just go, I just get start giggling. Yeah. And I go, yeah, okay, I can actually see part of that point. I think part of it, probably most people are like that. Yeah, I just, I, it is, we're getting, because what are you gonna do? Navigate, like, are you gonna do a full questionnaire when you meet people?

Like, what else do you think? And then like just, you know. Or it's like, it's like, it just becomes a super, slippery slope of like, if you don't, and that's a little bit what's going on in our countries. And by the way, I shouldn't even talk about this at all. I don't even know really what's going on, but like, I shouldn't speak, I shouldn't speak like this because it's not my place.

But like, what if I like something and it makes me giggle? Like, like, I then all of a sudden, like, okay, like the fucking hardest I ever laughed one time is when you were up here and you were like, I worked for a retarded person. And it made me laugh. And now I'm accused of a hate crime because it's a bad word, but I couldn't help it the way you said it made me laugh.

And then, but it's like so slippery, like, and then you're gonna start saying like, so if I like, if I like Bill Mar, and I wear a Bill Mar shirt, they're gonna cancel me because I like Bill Marr. Some people will. Yeah. Yeah, the whole world's changing.

I said, then they go, okay, so tell me, just tell me the brands and the things I can like, so that we can just get this, or why don't we have the state dictate what is allowed? And then once they do, then we'll all know what to do and we'll get in lock step, and make sure that we're all on the same page or we can be diverse as fuck. Now I don't know about this own place.

The own thing. It could be straight up white, right, like racist. The shirt is like, I think the more insane thing is his commentary about the network. Like the shirt, I don't know, the shirt's a shirt man, you know, like you're wearing whatever fucking shirt you're wearing. Well see, the problem is, is like someone like Leanne who is not savvy to the internet. Herner friends are sitting there talking

and they're playing a video and they're like this. It's a Denzel Washington clip and it's clearly not, it's not a great, it's not one of his best represented moments, right? Yeah. It's like, it's Denzel Washington and Lil Wayne talking about how racism is it real. And I go, hold on guys, I go, let me just stop you all right there.

I go, Denzel Washington and Lil Wayne are talking about, it's, anytime, yeah, type in Lil Wayne, and Lil Wayne not racist or whatever. I don't know, he's never gonna find it. But like, it's, it's, and it's like, yeah, there you go. Is it Morgan Freeman? Morgan Freeman, Denzel, Washington, a little while. Okay. And so I go, hold on, stop right there.

Already, this is nonsense. What they're saying is nonsense. And I can guarantee you, just based on what you're hearing, this sounds like someone's talking points and someone's agenda. Like, you're only getting a part of this interview. Yeah. And it sounds like they've ripped it and put it together.

I go forward to the very end, find out who produced the video. And then like, that doesn't matter. It's an interview. And I go, no, no, no. It does matter. It does matter who cut this clip together, put it together. Cut to the very end, it's Prager U. And you're like, okay, I can't, you can't trust this fucking video.

That's Prager U's like like I'm gonna say a name, believe it out, it's fucking buddies. Really? Oh, yeah, and so you can't, like, you can't trust it, because it's, it's, it's, take, it's from one side of the narrative. But how did, how did they get Lil Wayne and Denzel and... They did, they just pulled the clips off of different interviews. Oh, oh.

So they didn't interview them, they just grabbed a clip of Lil Wayne saying, and cut it together. And cut it together going, this is what, and it feeds into a part of the narrative in this country that maybe people wanna hear or people go, that's interesting and you're like, it's not interesting. It's horse shit. It's the problem with what's going on is there's two polarized

sides and no one's just, like all of a sudden, I got on to someone told, I watched Bill Burr and Rogen this weekend on the treadmill and there's two polarized sides and no one's just like all of a sudden I got on to someone told I watched Bill Burr and Rogan this weekend on the treadmill and there's a part of Seattle that's been yeah but I watched Bill Burr and Rogan talk about it and then I go online and it seems like it's and then someone compared it to this place in in Scandinavia that I went to that was really fucking cool and I was like oh wait hold on so wait How the fuck do I know what it really is like apparently they blocked off like 11 square blocks in port in Seattle? Yeah, and Antifa or some presence is black lives matters is running it. It's a police free zone

Yeah, and I watched Bill and Joe who I obviously have friends with and I love but they're like this isn't gonna hand well Fuck that. That's bullshit or whatever and then I go and I was like from Ari's perspective He's like already didn't say this but that I remember already telling me go find that police for you zone in Scandinavia It's pretty fucking amazing and me and Mark normal went there and had beers and smoked weed and fucking walked around and saw drawings And it was cool shit I was like well, I wouldn't mind one of those in the States But I don't know what it is because I can't get anyone to tell a fucking truth anymore. Right. It's just two sides.

So you get this one side, I'm not saying Joe and Bill are those guys, but like, you get one side and then you get the other side. You don't get like, you know? No, it's true, because the other thing is, to the point about like, where do you get things? You have, like now the burden, people finally understand that the burden is on them. It's on yeah you it's on me

It's on us to you have to figure things out because if you just go well I'll just I'll see an end will tell me or Fox will tell me you're that's not the news no I need I the news is only on own one America on network. I saw something on something on Tucker Carlson, right? Yeah. And then I was like, I was like, that made sense. And then I was like, wait, hold on. And I was like, literally, I was like, I wish they just had a link to the video going, oh, here's the other side of that story.

So I can hear the other side immediately. You have to search it out yourself. It's crazy, you do. I gotta be honest with you. That's why I just give up. Yeah. Which is also what I think is a very relatable feeling. And probably what, honestly, what majority people do is they go like,

this is way too much stuff. Yeah. Well, you too much to say, or what happens is people watch one or the other. Like they'll watch the Fox News thing or the MSNBC thing, which each of them clearly has a bias, right? And it's leaning left or right. And then you get into like what you wanna hear. You're like, tell me the perspective

of the way I wanna, I wanna hear it. Oh, and I was telling someone the other day, I was like, I don't like the righteousness that happens when you see a video online of someone doing something and you go, look at that fucking piece of shit. And then you can't say, maybe I could be a piece of shit. Are we talking about this on one thing that one time we'll about, you gotta realize

you could be either or the fucking people. Everyone forgets what it's like to be in road rage where you lose your fucking mind and you start saying shit. I'm not racist, I'm never told anyone to go back to the country, but guess what? I've been told to go back to my country a lot. You have been?

Oh, fuck yeah! What do you mean you mean I was traveling abroad for travel's in all people would always tell me to go back to America Like I I think so many times that it happened that I got to the point where I was like it's kind of hurtful like I'm just trying to hang out I get it. I'm louder. I'm giving your kid's skin was an aviallage and I don't have their teeth But people be like go home. Go to America. I had a woman in Vietnam Tell me I need to leave them alone never come back go back to America Like I was giving her kids skittles and I'm making them play with my face And so they go they put their hands in my in my beard and I go They scream and then I give them skittles and she was like, yeah, we're not set up for skittles

Like we live in a fucking village in the middle of the jungle Yeah, like you can't just load my kids up with sugar and fucking bounce like now I got to deal with this shit get the fuck out of here. Yeah, she was squatting smoking a cigarette Honestly though if I saw you come out of the jungle of my kids and you're playing with your beard and you're growling and give them Skittles I'm like I've seen this story before dude, and can you imagine if I walked usually end the warrant? I mean out of a jungle and You're just living in a little village in Vietnam just a little village and you saw me come out of the jungle with a backpack on Oh

Shut the fuck up except we're not firing it down. You know what I'm right guys? Hey, there's kids who want some skittles like I was a fucking nightmare and then they had beers I started drinking a lot of people have pointed out You say that word funny, do you know that? Yeah? Nightmare nightmare. How do you say it nightmare? You're saying it wrong night. Meir yeah nightmare A nightmare nightmare Not a nightmare. They're saying it like a horse a nightmare Yeah, Nightmare. A Nightmare. Nightmare. Not a Nightmare. You're saying it like a horse.

A Nightmare. Well, you're saying like a Nightmare, like a reflection on the wall. No, Nightmare. It's N-I-G-H-T, N-I-G-H-T-M-E-E, M-E-R-E, Nightmare. No. Nightmare. There you go.

I just say it. That's not. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. Say it. We'll put your headphones on. That's not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not think so. Yeah, I've noticed it too, and then people started to message me about it. They're like, how can he says that I'll stupid?

And I was like, I'll find out. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare.

Nightmare. Nightmare. Out of nightmare. Out of nightmare. You're getting there. Nightmare. Nightmare. Why do I say Nightmare? I don't know. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. You're getting there. Nightmare. Nightmare. Why do I say Nightmare? I don't know. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare.

Agreed to disagree. Okay. I smell like shit. I think I think he just waits for me to get my headphones on. He does. That's exactly what I do. It's fun. I would be excited too. This has been a very uh, political podcast. We should shift. Okay. Well, can I just read you the news real quick? Oh yeah, room in the news. I'll tell you if it's. We should shift. Okay, well, can I just read you the news real quick? Oh, yeah, read me the news. I'll tell you if it's real or not real. Okay. Supreme Court says federal law protects LGBTQ workers

from discrimination, federal civil rights law protects gays, lesbian, transgender workers, the Supreme Court ruled Monday. The landmark ruling will extend protections in millions of workers nationwide, and is it defeat for the Trump administration, which argued that title seven of the Civil Rights Act, the bar's discrimination based on sex did not extend to claims of gender and identity, gender identity and sexual orientation.

I can't believe that was something they're still arguing about. Wait, hold on. You're telling me someone could get fired because they're gay? Or like say you showed up to work one day, and also in your address, you're beard shaved, and you're like, I'm Tammy. I'd be like, and then I could go, you're fired. We don't let that happen in our workplace.

They're saying that yes, some people do that, and they're saying that now, that's a no-no. In 2020, that just passed, is this, In 2020. Yes. That just passed. Is this real? So that's fake then. That's real. That just happened. Two days.

What the fucking shit? Yeah. Yeah. Six three opinion. Are you serious? I can't, but who doesn't think that that you can like who gives a fucking someone's gay That's that I think that's part of the yeah, but I would someone give a fuck if someone was gay some people I don't know men some people do That coming from the guy who says I definitely want anyone to come in me

You went know this is real or not? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Surging coronavirus case raises fears of new lockdowns. Sharp increases in the number of coronavirus cases, diagnosed in states across the nation, have some local elected officials considering pausing and reopening their economies. Pausing in, that's fake news. That is fake real. It'll rising number of cases are getting hardest in Sunbelt states like Arizona, California,

Florida and Texas. In 29th, I'll be in Arizona. I'll be in Texas over the other ones. Alabama, Birmingham, I'll be in Birmingham. Here in California, Florida, Texas, Arizona. Yeah. Awesome. Yep. That's why we're doing a Drive-in movie theater tour. Texas has reported more than 2,000 new cases a day on four of the last five days Wait, but it's but less this less ICU visits or something. No, ICU visits are up. Oh, okay

Okay, give me some more fun news Oh, okay. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm looking at other stuff. Let's see what's exciting. Give me some celebrity rag stuff. I love celebrity gossip. Okay, hold on. Oh, in the meantime, I'll look up some, you pull it up. Will you? Celebrity gossip.

Go to news right here. Open a new page. Go to Google news Get Night Mirror out of there No, no, no, no, no, stop stop right there. Stop right go back go back. Go back. Just get it clear get it clear To be clear all the way. Yeah, and just click news now. Okay, okay You're not because it's still Night Mirror news No, I'm on the news tab.

And it's you adjust Google Night Meers. So all your news is about Night Mirror. That's true. I'm not the type of person who wants to watch it. Nothing, nothing. In, in, in Google news. Well, this is getting, this is getting heated. I said, what do you want me to do, man?

I'll do it. I've never, I've never, I've never heard him hurt that. I've never heard him talk back to his boss like that. I'm not talking back to Tom like that. Good for you. Hey, good for you. Hey, spider. Good for you, spider. This is for you, pal.

All right. Can we type in something though? It is. I do see that it's an all-nightmare news. So what do we do? It's all nightmare news. Yeah, we type in. Okay.

It's not about seeing out. I'm going to explain to you how the internet works. When you type in celebrity gossip, it pulls up news that is about celebrity gossip. It doesn't type bring up celebrity gossip. Right. So what should we do? So if you go to Google news, so if you go to go click the Google button, see the, yeah, click Google, click it. Now go to over the far right, you see four boxes. Top, get out of there, get out of there. See the boxes on the right. Far right. Far right. Yeah, click that

One's gonna say news see news go to news click news and Now go over to the left you're gonna see entertainment over to the left. Yeah, there you go. That's celebrity news Okay, whoof math that you guys were I'm not saying that I am your boss, but boy, you'd be all fucking thin ice with me. Hehehehe. I'm over-sured, dude. Hehehehe. That might be my, I want, that is a ringtone. Oh, for sure, dude. Cream app tools you bar.

Why I got on the win. There we go. You wanna read that one? Nope. Okay. Howard Surn. Howard, dude, to read that one? Nope. Okay. Howard Surn. Howard, dude, did you see that? Yeah.

That wasn't like... Now, here's the deal. It's like, I understand his defense is that he was doing a parody of Ted Danson and Wobby Goldberg. But it is... And that back then, he thought that was a funny way to approach it. And today, he would approach it differently. Yeah.

I agree with it. I agree with it. I agreed back. I understood that was a parody of Ted Danson and Wuppie Goldberg. I know that. Yeah. But it still is him saying the N word a lot. Yeah, of course. But still, it's fucking, I don't think, no, I don't think you should be canceled for that.

What do you think? Although it was a pretty aggressive black face. It's pretty aggressive. It's a pretty aggressive black face. But he's, the idea is like I'm mocking the real person that did this. Yeah, I'm mocking the fucking idiots that did this. Yeah, poor Robin, man, did you see Robin in that clip? She's like on the mic.

Tells she's like, oh, I heard, yeah, we're gonna speak up a little bit more. Yeah, we're using the I word a lot. I only saw a snippet of the clip. How long is it? It's like three minutes. It's like and she also the whole time. She's like, oh, you could tell that she's like that N word just has such an effect on her that she's she's not like she I I in my perspective she wasn't that she comment on the she didn't she didn't say I don't think she did nothing I just saw Howard Stern. I like what Howard Stern said it was like listen That was a long time ago was 1993 the problem is they had a clip I guess they had a clip of him saying on the view that he had never said the N word which is such a fucking stupid like

He's a fucking broadcaster he talks for a living yeah, he had never said the N word and then they played that clip I never say that word and then him just drop in RDRs. Yeah I never say that word and then him just drop into R&Rs. Yeah. So, I keep going news wise, I like this. The new segment, Barbestrize and Buys Disney Shares for George Floyd's daughter. Yeah. What about Apple Shares, maybe?

What's Brian Austin Green grabs lunch? There's like a celebrity thing that you would like. I don't know who Courtney Stodden is. I don't know either. I don't know who Travis Scott is. What? I don't know, I know he's got cool shoes. Like, that's it. He's like, he has bees. I don't know either. I don't know who Travis Scott is. What? I don't know, I know he's got cool shoes, but that's it.

He's like, he has bees. I don't know what he does. He's an artist, he's a rapper. You never heard one Travis Scott song. You probably have. This is like what you're doing. This is like your drag stuff. I definitely have not.

Okay, go to go, five-figure death punch. Just get to see who this is. Brian asked to green. I don't know that. Okay, back out, sorry, back out. What's this? Let's see who this is. Brian Austin Green. I don't know how that is. Okay, back up. Sorry, back up. What's this?

Five finger death punches. Ivan Moody gets guitar lesson from, I don't know what that is. Mibbi's quibbles tick-tock, burn up the app chart. Cardi B gets major. Did you see Cardi B and Takashi 6-9 did a... not Cardi B Nicki Minaj and Takashi 6-9 did a video together I Saw that a video came out. I didn't watch it Nicki Minaj is so fucking hot. Yeah That's like a fantasy of mine really? Yeah, but Nicki Minaj like not just like she's just so fucking hardcore Yeah, and like I What do you want to do to her? I just hang out with not just like she's just so fucking hardcore. Yeah. And like I could, what do you want to do to her?

I just hang out with her. Just like fucking watch her get her hair nails done and we getting to makeup done, getting ready to go out, be in the car with her, have her get us out of the club early and be like, yeah, fuck them, fuck them. And like just with her nails flipping around, she is so fucking hot. She is so fucking hot.

I bet I don't have any game in my bag to pull her. I would agree with your bet. What, you think you can pull Mickey Minaj? No, at all. I don't think, I mean, I can maybe get a conversation going. I don't think she would be like, what are you doing later? I could probably talk to her for a few minutes.

Yeah. I think she's so fucking hot. Yeah, she is. Look at, look at that. Yeah. How's the video? It's all right. When Nicki Minaj is just topless in it. So, that's cool.

I like, I mean, she's got like stickers. They're fucking, Tikashi 6.9 guys. I'm fascinated by him. I'm not. I'm so fascinated by the fact that he went into the witness protection program snitched and came out. You know, I told you, Donnell Rollins called it. He's going to be bigger coming out of that fuck. He did? Yeah. I said, why? And he goes, because black

people don't fuck with Tacashi 69. It's white racist white kids. He goes, that's who buys records. And he is doing, he is doing the thing they want him to do and you're like oh Yeah, I'm surprised that she did a song with them. I think they have a relationship like I think like Maybe she signed them or something because this isn't their first song together. Oh really? Yeah, no This is like like he they've been together. I wanted maybe they dated. I don't know. Hmm. He's a fascinating fucking kid I don't think so. I think so. His face tattoos are like... Fascinating might be the wrong word is what I'm saying.

Maybe not. But he's, you gotta admit, he puts out hits. He does? Oh, yeah, dude. His, his, uh, the... Gooba? Gooba's a good song. Okay.

You've heard it? I don't think so. We just put on headsets and just listenuba's a good song. Okay. You heard it? I don't think so. We just put on headsets and just listen to it a little bit. I know, I know, you don't have to play it, but we can listen to it, right? And then Tom can go, actually it's got a pretty good beat. All right.

Pull it up for, we'll play it for, why is he so mouthy today? He's not a sad, he's just a character he's doing?'s mad at you what is he mad about me because I think he's just you know sick of you what do you say he said you're making extra work for him I kind of enjoy this relationship that you guys have going right now but yeah but he's so nice and then on the camera's to come on He turns into this character. Yeah Can you believe? Yeah, this is what's up. I am digging this so much Okay, hold on hold on

You know it's gonna snap at one point where I'm gonna go his and the game anymore and then it's gonna be like your goddamn right it isn't I don't know I like it. We worked out our beef, so I don't know, I like it. We worked out our beef, so I don't really, you know. Oh, is this a, a little bit we're doing? No, no, I'm saying he and I had a beef. No, this one's definitely not a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So all right, let me hear. Can I do this? Come didn't me? Let me hear. Let me hear the song. By the way. What? Nothing. Okay. By the way. Oh, what? Nothing.

Okay. Let's see. Okay, we got to cut all this out. That's fine. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. Is that having a dove? 346 million. He's broken records with this music video

and the one after this. And the most views accumulated in a 24 hour. Trolls. Wow. Yeah, he's the kid is. Wow. I mean, it's next level. That's more views than any of our episodes have right now.

Trolls, it's more. It does. It's got more views than us. Yeah. That's crazy. Do you think we could do a video similar? Mm-hmm. Me and you. Freestyle.

There's your problem. Right there. What? I don't think the freestyle is gonna help us. Dude, I think if we write our raps, it's not a freestyle then. No, but we write our raps. I bet we could write a song and beat him. I bet we could. I actually bet we could.

Who's gonna produce the song? Dude, we we could I actually bet who's gonna produce the song Dude will produce a video. Who's gonna produce the song me and you? We're not gonna hire a real producer. Yeah fucking star face. Scarface was our face. Szar face. Star face. Why you know what I'm saying? Oh, it was our face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay And let's do it. Let's we can beat that kid. You think so fuck yeah, dude So I mean, we're gonna do that like we're gonna do like booties right we gotta have Girls fucking land and push Get mad in the

Funner fucking dick dad You think we should maybe do a casting call dumb stupid or dumb I do I can fucking I legit can sing That is true. And you think- Casting call? Yeah, casting call. I was gonna say, you think our big booty girl should be our wives?

No, no, no. Or you think they should be like, I think we should- Dancers. Oh, fuck yeah, let's get dancers like that. Yeah, that's what I thought. Oh, let's get, oh, Tom, Tom, Tom. Thongs and stuff?

Thongs, spilling paint on them, we're smacking their asses, we're spitting on them. Like just fucking fun stuff. Fun stuff. Dude, I bet we could come up with that. That's all you need to good beat, a catchy beat. I bet I could fuck around with like a drum machine and come up with one.

Dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung. Yeah. You wanna try spits bars at me? No. Nah. I love this part of the show when we spit bars. We haven't really, we have never done it. You, but you know you can ship. Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, Got clout, got a stout. Don't know what I'm talking about. My name is Bert. I like the skirt onto you shirt. It's gonna hurt.

Learn. Okay, we're good. That was really good. I mean, how do you do that? Like, do you think that, like, Are you upset? Yeah, because I feel like we could do that. I just, if we have the asset he has, like if we have like, because I feel like we could do that. I just, if we have the asset he has. Like if we had like, if you put us into a fucking studio, right, you know, a real producer. A real producer? Yeah. I guarantee you we could do that.

I mean, there's, there's real producers out there that might hear this and offer their services. Okay, no, I'm talking, I'm talking a big one. I'm talking a big one. I could text, I can text. You have hip-hop friends. I could text.

I'll show you who I could text I can text you have hip-hop friends. I could text I'll show you I could text please, but I don't know like it might ruin my relationship, you know Come on Why would you even be friends if you don't use him for this for this stuff? Like what's the point of having what's the point of having a celebrity friend if you can't leverage stuff out of them right? What's the point of having a celebrity friend if you can't leverage stuff out of them, right? Okay. Come on, how many times have I called Morris after you?

Yeah. Hit the digits. Just call them. Just call them and be like, I can't call them right now. Why? Because I'll tell you. No, I'll tell you right after this.

Okay, I'll tell you right after this. Do you think, okay, like, do you think, tell me who you think we would vibe with hip-hop artists wise the best. Like, who do you think we could go into the studio with? Like, Migos, we wouldn't get along with. I don't think they get our style. I think Puff Daddy is too flashy for us.

We'll Smith and Jazzy, Jeff, or two, we're harder than they are. Wu-Tang clans a little up our speed. Did you tell that Wu Tang story on your special? I did. Okay, we're gonna pass on Wu Tang clan then. Yeah, thanks for watching the special. No, I need to.

So, let's see. Yeah, we could, I mean, we could get connected. We have connections to them. It's got a storage. He lives is local. We could do something with SkyRussel. I bet Russell Peter knows a bunch of hip hop guys. It definitely does.

He definitely does. Can we see if Carl Russell Peter is even getting some some studio time? Dude, I'm guaranteed. I guarantee we could put out, how about this? Oh, I'm. How does that kid make his money? Carl Russell right now.

Carl Russell. I guarantee we could do it. Dude Do I ran a marathon without any training? I can definitely put out a single You forget I'm a lifestyle brand We need a summer jam dude. We need a summer jam. We'll make the summer You don't have that where your phone just stays on calling yeah, and you're like well, I have signal That's odd right okay. You're all Wi-Fi really? Oh Turn the Wi-Fi off I don't know I'm trying to debate I wanted to drink today. Yeah, you should do it Hey, tell it off. I don't like this game. We're playing okay, and bother

And don't hey knock it off Luckily, I smell like shit Hey knock it off Luckily I smell like shit But see it's now I'm on bars. I have I have three or four you're on the right going the right direction You got bars, but I'm saying like what's going on with this wrap about it? Come on man, we got to get loose if we're gonna be able to do this for real. We got to get loose Trying to call Russell Peters. Oh He's not answering mosquitoes.

I don't know. But it doesn't need to be- You know what I like about you though? What? That I'm confident? You're not afraid to look stupid. Hey, do you remember the time that I was really upset about something and you said, hey, Bert,

remember you're just a comedian? And I went, oh, it's right, I totally forgot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mind. Wait, I want to do your would you rather thing that you did on Twitter? Okay. Like, I want to pull it up actually,

because so you kind of made, yeah, I can't believe that anybody disagreed with this, but I guess I can. I put out a good tweet today saying that those tide pods feel like fake tits. Hey, we have, go back down for a second. I forgot to announce this. Guys, we have added more dillens to the store.

If you try to get the flip flops, these flip flops. Last week, they sold out really quickly what we have added more. They're all sizes are available. Go to, there's a link in my Twitter bio. They went up today. Shit. They went up today. They went up today? Yeah.

Oh. They went up at four. Oh, shut the fuck up. Yeah. So did people, what happened? They sold out. They sold out. Oh, for real? Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I wanted to be a part of watching that sell out. It's just, it was happened while we were here. Oh, that's great. Yeah. So yeah, get some free water for the pops if you want.

So I'm going picture of me. If you throw up that thing, thanks. Okay, go, I think I can't believe this didn't get more. Hold on a second. The link you sent me to the video we did last week where I go, I fuck dogs or whatever I said. It was so well done. The hot dogs won. Oh, yeah, the hot dogs won.

You talked about the promo. The promo was so well done because it starts You know who did that promo? Oh, you're boy Nadav I can't I can't decide what if I'm gonna go along with this bit or if I'm just gonna be nice to him Not a bet he said If Nadav the hotdog thing is funny if you think Tom had to pick one of us Just stop doing two bears one gave or to keep you on board for producing. Who do you think you pick?

Dude, I'll walk away right now if you want me to. No, no, no, I don't want you to. Jesus Christ, you are a fucking, can't imagine being your boyfriend. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now.

You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now.

You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. You walk away right now. Lots of pizzas, lots of... I don't like pizza. How did you get that body? Ice cream. Ice cream is good. Is he being serious? Makes me shit though. You really eat ice cream? Is that hard to believe? Who the fuck, what grown man's eat ice cream?

Who doesn't like ice cream? What grown man eats pizza? What argument is this? What do you, all grown man eat pizza? Not all grown man get ice cream. I'll send an argument, bro. I'll stand.? I'll say that argument. I'll stand this is not this is not a stand for something I'll tell you something Personally, I just want to say something. I'm really like like if I see it grown man walking on the street with an ice cream cone

Yeah, I stay the fuck away from that grown man. Okay, if you saw dude down the walking on street with an ice cream cone Just calories calories calories You're down, why are you not streaming the ice cream con just? Calories, calories, calories. Mm-hmm. Or pizza, calories, calories, calories. No, yeah, you need B pizza. You do not need the ice cream. Every time I see someone with an ice cream con,

I go, that's someone that's totally out of control of their life. What? Oh, I've never seen someone with an ice cream con and then like, oh, I'm so happy for that person. I go, that's someone that is someone that's shoving calories down their throat and is clearly out of control. And for pizza, it does not apply.

Pizza's dinner. You gotta eat pizza. You gotta eat pizza. You gotta eat pizza. You do not have to eat ice cream. I've not had ice cream. You can skip pizza. I'll call my daughter right now.

They eat ice cream every fucking night cause they're children. Yeah. And so in their children, so they have no responsibility. Wow. But like, grown they have no responsibility. Wow. But like, grown man doesn't need ice cream. Yeah, I feel like this is not really about ice cream. I feel like-

You called me- I feel like you're just letting out your nadav feelings. No, no, no, I've always felt like this. I saw a woman one time with a fucking waffle cone dipped in chocolate filled with ice cream, and I thought, what, do you not, have you not heard anything about what's going on in the news? Like, you're eating fucking ice cream?

Like, you don't like ice cream? No, why would I fucking, I mean, I like it, as everyone likes it. But, you know, like it's a birthday party or something. Right, but like, I wouldn't, like, oh, it's Tuesday. Let's have some ice cream today. Well, what if somebody was like, hey, it's Tuesday, I got this amazing ice cream,

will you try it? No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't try it. I don't need to. Really? I do not like it. You know what I never I won't try it. I don't want to try it. I don't need to. Really? I do not like it. You know what I never told you? What?

I was really bummed out during, I'm serious. I've thought about this a lot. I hope this isn't real. Well, I don't want to deal with feelings. What is it? It's not that since, okay, okay. Remember when we did the weight loss contest? Yeah.

And we hadn't eaten really anything carb or sugar wise. And I don't know how long. So we weighed in and Joe was like, what do you guys want to eat? I'll get it tomorrow. And you were like, oh pizza. I'm gonna get this pizza. You want it ice cream?

I want a donuts or something. Oh dude. I was like, man, I want pizza. I think I fucked up. Four crispy cream donuts, back to back to back to back to back after a nap yesterday. Dude, you've been going crazy with this shit. You told me that you fucked up McDonald's the other day.

Did I tell you that on this podcast? Yes. Dude, I- And then you just, you had four donuts yesterday? Four, I couldn't stop eating. They got them for me for Father's Day. And so, when's Father's Day? I told them it was last weekend.

Oh. Because I'm on the road next week. But yeah, but how Father's Day? I told them it was live this weekend. Oh. Because I was on the road next week. But yeah, but how did donuts, how did donuts differ from ice cream? Donuts differ, it's a donut's man thing. If you're gonna be selling it. Ah! Yeah, donuts are breakfast.

I was done in a cup of coffee. It's a breakfast. I have a drinking problem. Okay. And so, but ice cream. Are you guys gonna work at this out though? I don't guess not. I don't know.

I can't tell if it's real or not or if he's like try because like when people that aren't funny try to be funny Sometimes they mess up. Yeah, and so I feel like you got your thing guys are throwing a lot of jabs. I love coming in my wife That's not wrong with that. Oh, nothing I do love coming in my life. I believe so wait Yeah, I couldn't I can't if you see put pictures of men looking ice cream cones You know, they don't serve ice cream fucking prison. Why not? Oh, it would be a shit show What about you and a bunch of guys just They're like look at this. Let's see It is kind of a funny image

Oh, too cops sharing an ice cream cone. Yeah, that's fucking great looking an ice cream cone is so hard to be manly and look at ice cream cone Pull up Joe Rogan eats ice cream what I bet? When you think the last time Joe had ice cream, you can never fuck with Joe. He likes ice cream. Yeah, you could be like, I eat it every night. He likes ice cream. There's no pictures that Joe Rogan eats in ice cream. No, but he likes ice cream.

Yeah. I remember, I remember he told me one time, it was getting back from vacation because I put on like 10 pounds and I go, how he's like pasta and ice cream. I ate it every night. Yeah. I swear to God.

Pasta and ice cream. He said, it was like a vacation thing. I remember it. That was like, what are you talking about? He goes, I ate so much pasta and ice cream. Yeah. So if you, okay, here's a question. If you had to choose, you can eat whatever you want,

but you can only have water for the rest of your life. That's all you can ever have is water. That's easy. Hold on, I'm not done. Okay. You can eat whatever you want, but you can only have water for the rest of your life. That's all you can ever have is water. That's easy. Hold on, I'm not done. Okay. Or you can have chicken is your only protein you can ever have for the rest of your life. Just chicken, you can't have fish or steak or anything.

You can have all derivations of chicken, you can have it on pizza, you can have it on imposta, chicken is your protein. But you can drink whatever the fuck you want for the rest of your life. Definitely the first thing. I'm going chicken. No, I'm definitely doing the other thing. Why the fuck would you ever do that? Because that. I'm going chicken. No, I'm definitely doing the other thing. Why the fuck would you ever do that? Because that's what I'd prefer.

No, I do chicken, and then I'd be cool. Just chicken. No, no, I understand that that's your choice. I know. I'm trying to tell you you chose wrong. No, I did not. No, I'm gonna explain to you why you chose wrong. Because all you get is water.

Yeah, that's fine. I don't mind. You can have a beer, you can have like a... Fine. Gay to Rade. Cool A. no root beers I could drink warm water and cold water though. Oh That's exciting. Razzle dazzle. I like it

Yeah, that's enough. Okay, keep lemon in your water You know we got George a refrigerator for a bedroom and she just put water in it That's on brand for Georgia. Yeah, I was gotta fucking lock. She's got Gatorade, Rootbeer, Sprite, LeCroix, Diet Rootbeer, Cokes. She's got everything in her fucking refrigerator. Yeah. I got her for a journalist in the arts.

All right, what would you rather? All right, so this is what you tweeted. You go, would you rather dunk, play Scratch Golf, run an ultra marathon, or be able to hit a home run off a major league pitcher? Now, got to tell you, for me, this was so easy. I was fascinated that people actually had differing opinions. So for me, it's like, I'll walk you through it, okay? Let's start here. If you can play

scratch golf, you have to, I mean, that's cool, but you have to like, probably be an active golfer. Like, I've played golf before, but it's not like I have a passion for golf, you know, or I would be playing all the time. So, I mean, would it be cool to do that? Yeah, but since I'm not, you know what I mean? Like I'm not in the golf, like I don't really care. Run an ultramarathon, I have zero desire to be able to do.

Okay. And then your last option was hit a home run off a major league pitcher. I think you just mean, or would you rather play professional baseball? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, run or the ability to dunk. Like to hit it the way Mark McGraw was, where it's more like, well, so my answer by the way, was dunk no content. And I'll tell you why you're wrong.

Tell me. Okay, yeah. Because dunking is never comfortable. What do you mean? Like if you ever dunked on like a nine foot rim, or, and it's never comfortable, your wrist always hurts, you always have cuts here, and you're like, fuck, how come I didn't,

because I can't palm the ball. So I've got to like kind of, kind of like slam it in never comfortable. Your wrist always hurts, you always have cuts here, and you're like, fuck, how come I didn't, because I can't palm the ball. So I've got to kind of slam it in. Yeah. So dunking never feels great. Then by the way, this is what someone wrote to me, and I actually have to agree with this person. Hitting a home run would feel perfect. Now, I'm gonna break down all of them

and give you pros and cons, because I don't think you really thought it through the way I have. No, hold on though, because I'm thinking break down all of them and give you pros and cons because I don't think you really fought it through the way I have No, hold on though because like I'm thinking of also like of the sports you listed for me hands down I played way way way more basketball than Try to run play baseball or golf like not even comparable. Okay, so to me like basketball was something I played all through childhood All through high school all through when I moved here. I used to play pick up like I played all through childhood, all through high school, all through, when I moved here I used to play, pick up, like I played a lot of basketball.

I haven't in years, but I used to. So for me it's like the one that you listed that was something that I did, and plus dunking is phenomenal. Like I don't know if you're playing in a pickup game where somebody dunked, but it always made people like, oh God, like you just, it's a show stuff. It's like having an amazing closer.

It's amazing. It's such a dick move to play in a pickup game in Dunk. Well, no, I mean, sometimes it happens. Yeah, sometimes it happens. You're like, all right, we get it. You're good. You're better than all of us. Exactly.

It's such a big dick move. The scenario is not, what would you rather do? Play basketball all the time. Be a professional basketball. The scenario is like, is this? It's Mickey Mantle Gene Isms, right? We're all a sudden you're like, we're all sitting at like Rogan's compound

and he's got a basketball hoop. He's like, yeah, the NBA sent that to me. And then I can go, oh, you know Tom can dunk. And everyone's like, wait, what? So it's not that it's just, you know Tom can dunk. And you're like, wait, hold on. What? Oh, yeah, I can dunk.

And they're like, shut up. This happened to me by the way, this exact thing. I mean, except I was the person going, come on. To freshman year in college. Oh, I thought that you, like, you could dunk. No, freshman year in college, I'm in my dorm room in the freshman building. And there's a kid down the hall, goofy kid.

He had like that surfers cut where, you know, like, white boy, where it like hangs over an eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're talking whatever, I think there was like I had that surfers cut where white boy where it hangs over an eye, and you're like this. We're talking whatever. I think there was a basketball in my dorm room. He was like, just saying, he was a country kid. He was like, something came out, he goes, I can dunk, you can't fucking dunk.

He goes, I can do a 360 dunk, and I go, okay. He was like, do you wanna go see? And I was like, actually I do. And we went over to the gym, and this dude, he was like, yeah, wanna go see? And I was like, actually I do. And we went over to the gym and this dude, he was like, yeah, I go, come on. He's six feet, maybe six one, Lanky, like lean. And like I said, like very unassuming.

And I was like, you can do a 360 dunk. He did, boom, boom, bam. And I was like, what the fuck? I mean, it was alarming. So then that's the ability, okay? Or were me and you were doing where the Dodgers game and they asked us to come early. And I go, and they're taking batting practice

and you guys wanna take a few cuts and I'm like, actually, Tom could fucking hit a home run and everyone's like, bullshit, I bet he could. And you're like, they're like, no, and you're like, I played a little baseball and you go up you take a bat and it's just BP And you just crack one and you get to witness everyone go what the fuck? Okay, okay, or or me and you vacation. We're in Hawaii and And they and they compost and they go hey, we're gonna do a celebrity golf round you Tom Kelly Slater and And layered Hamilton, right?

And we get out and you show up in like fucking Jordans and a fucking sweatshirt and you are playing scratch golf. But you don't have to, you just get out there and you're just, everything you're like, I played a little when I was a kid. If I played too much it starts getting bad. But yeah, I know one of these too. Okay, or, or, or like just go,

hey man, everyone's around, you're like, I bet I could run to Arizona. You're like, what? Like, 150 miles, I could do it. I could definitely do it. And they're like, no fucking way. And you could run 100. Because then what you don't remember is,

what you don't know is that that feeling of accomplishing running 100 miles is euphoric. Yeah, it's you become high off the thing is though. There really is it's what you value the most like it's what you value the most. So if you if you first of all if you want that thing of like I'm just thrown into a random for some and I'm gonna blow their minds then you pick the golf thing. If you go, So what's the most valuable to you? To me, is it still dunking?

A hundred, it's like not even close, man. Because I'm also, you're also like, saying like, I mean, I guess I'm taking it sort of retroactively because I'm imagining all the games I used to play and having that ability. And it's a game changer. It would be, you know, euphoric like you described to be able to do that in a game.

I don't know. I think I'm trying to think. I think probably because, you know, I got into it, not got into it. I tell you, for last for me, last for me. I mean, I would care less about the home run than the Ultramarathon. The thing that entices me about the ultra marathon,

and by the way, I'm contemplating running one, is that what you just did, the, what the fuck? Like, yeah, because if you do it, then everyone's like, you ran an ultra marathon? You're like, yeah, it's 50 miles. And they're like, wait, what? It's actually 100 miles.

It's called the Javalina Jundrid. Type that in the dog It's called the Javalina Jundrid. Type that in the dog if you can. Javalina Jundrid. And so when you say that at a dinner party, everyone's like, hold on, you ran a hundred miles and you're like, oh yeah. And they're like, wait, how did the idea that you would blow up?

Is that the Kasi 69 in the middle? That's the Kasi 69. The joke I told you the other day is I've been taking so many items, my piss looks like to the couch, you're six nine. So like when you tell that to someone, they go like, wait, what the fuck? Like that's the blowing, okay, or big wave surf. You could legit big wave surf.

I mean, I think it's dope. I thought you were going to say, I'm pretty sure I could do it. No. I definitely cannot do it, but I think it's dope, but again, you have to have the desire. Like I really like like high-perform, like racing, right? Driving fast.

So if you threw that in there as like an op, like you could set a wreck, like I would pick, one of that would move closer to the top for me because I like it. It all depends on what you like. Yeah. I mean, you know, a guy who goes out every weekend

playing golf right now, like every weekend and listening to this, like, oh, it's definitely golf because he plays golf. I think it was an interesting conversation. I told him back and forth to the couple of people and they were like, who gives a fuck about dunking? It always hurts and I was like, yeah, yeah, I don't, you know, even just being able to dunk, I don't, who gives a fuck about dunking? It always hurts and I was like, yeah, yeah, I don't, you know, even just being able to dunk,

I don't know if I care enough about dunking or I've never enjoyed dunking. Every time I've done it, it's not been fun. Really? Yeah, it's been like, like my wrist always hurts and the next day, I'm like, God damn it, man, is that what the professional athletes feel like?

The feeling of the crack of a wood bat to send it 370 feet. Yeah, I bet that's cool. That's gotta be cool as shit. But I think out of all of them, the ability to blow a force of mine and play Scratts golf. The ability to go in and really... What was the last time you jumped in a force of them though? Like what was the last time you did that? Probably beat to right before I started the tour. Okay, and the time before that do you remember? No, but I'm a pretty good golfer So I can play pretty good golf without playing at all. I can go in and play pretty good. How'd you get good? Cuz I'm white

It's my privilege. It's I grew up around country clubs. I mean, did you play a lot? Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah You did play well. We they dropped us off at the course and we play 18 in the morning and the 18 in the afternoon Oh Jesus So I went out this is how I mean, I'm not saying I'm like the greatest golfer, but I'm pretty fucking legit. No, we did what's the called? What's the place top golf top golf or is it a good golfer? Surprisingly enough I would say no, no what happens is like that's basically top golf is like going to a driving range What happens is that's basically, top golf is going to a driving range for hours. You get to just see who has a nice swing.

You have a good swing and you were accurate. We were drinking just fucking around, but you can tell that you have a golf background. When we played the, I think it's Spanish. No, not Spanish. We played it one of the, maybe pine, pine glass or whatever. Spanish glass or pine tree or whatever. It up in Paiable Beach. We played one of the courses before

and we played with this Canadian couple who plays a lot of golf. Like they had all the things and I do not play enough where it's like, at all. So we get out to a par five and I had an eagle, which is like a really big deal. Yeah it is.

And they were like, what the fuck? And of course, all I care about is videotaping it. Like I just video-ed it. Ripped off my shirt. And then the next day I had another fucking eagle. And they were like, do you hit two fucking eagles, but then I'm all over the map for like 17 other the holes, but every now and then I can just fucking surprise you.

I could definitely see that. I think it's fun. We gotta wrap this up. We gotta get going. So, oh shit, I'm gonna go. Yeah. Scrawl 530. Oh, we gotta go. I think it's fun. We gotta wrap this up, we gotta get going. So, uh. Oh shit, I'm gonna call 530. Okay. Oh, we gotta go. All right, bye guys.

Hey, sorry if this podcast got a little political today. It's not us, it's the world. And go see Bert on his, it's hard being a cop tour. It's going nationwide right now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, bye. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top, swap the other, wears a shirt. right now. Bye. Scraps of Beat of Booz amateur, Pertology, Dirty jokes, Rancho hero, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.