2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 36 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing why they would make a good couple, and Bert pitches a new show idea. They give Nikki Glaser a call to run the idea by her. Bert also reveals how much Kool-Aid he consumes in a day. The bears also taste test various sodas, talk about their favorite sneakers, and explore new religions.

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, me, I'm fucking, I'm 42 and this is a- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't want to be. You don't want to be? What? The ends turn at 50 in August. So you're only two years apart? Yeah. You don't talk about this fucking 50 year old. How? You haven't fucked her yet. I know, but I feel like I'm already there. She just is so like married in her ways of how it should go. How should it go?

Just like, you know, we had that conversation. Do we have a conversation about sucking dick? Yeah, yeah. Because if I make quote you, you said, now that woman was at a sucking dick. I think the mother quote was the Me Too movement release fucked up blow jobs. Yeah. But she, we talked about blow jobs.

I said I braised her because I was like, hey, just, you know, we know I kind of lit you up about dick sucking. She's a cattle care and then I she said now that this is a Such a good workaround. She's like you're dick too big and I was like well, okay She's like it it hurts my jaw to do it that long and I was like well, what if you just did it a little bit She goes I can do it for a little bit. I was like, yeah, do it a little bit, and then get me ready, and then let's have sex. So that's our new thing.

Yeah, so it worked out. This podcast is saving lives, saving marriages. Dude, that's a fucking home, right? It's a fuck, fuck, yeah, I love a little bit of a blowjob. I'll tell you what, my dream when I was a kid, when I was in college, I would tell my girlfriend at the time I was like, just wake me up sucking my dick. Yeah, like just wake me up.

It's a nice thing to say. And then she did it one time and I was like, I started hitting her on the head. I was like, what the fuck? I thought it was my roommate. I was like, get the fuck outta here. You didn't like the way? I was scared the fuck outta me.

I think I did give you some, give you your dick sucked on the body of your sleep is a terrifying feeling. I thought it would be like great. I thought you'd be like like Have you ever gotten your dick sucked while you're sleeping? I had the wake up. Yeah the wake up wake up blowjob like were you asleep? I was this is why we should be boyfriend boyfriend. Do you know how much fun we can have with just sex stuff? Like if we were gay it would be a stuff. Like if we were gay, it would be a fucking blast. Like if we were gay, like if we were into it. That's true.

It would be so much fucking... You know what I would. I wish you could pick your sexual life. I would come on you and in you all the time. Ha ha ha ha. Have you guys? You? No, how much fun it would be to just come on each other

when we were least expecting it. Man. What the fuck, dude? I thought we were watching lost. Like, someone's taking a shower. I'd put it on your head and be like, here's your real game. I'm just smear it on your head. Brushing your teeth. You like, tays your toothpaste.

You came in the toothpaste, didn't you? It's been sitting with me how much you said you don't wanna get come in though. Yeah, I think about that a lot. What do you think about it a lot? You've been tracked off in a bathtub and then it, like, then you get out of the bathtub and then it's like in your hair. Yes.

And you don't realize it and then someone's like, you get moose on your leg and you're like, oh, it just dried on you. But like in your ass hairs. But what about in your ass hole? I feel like the pump in your ass hole. So I had a girlfriend in college one time that we had sex and then she went to class.

I said, how was class? She was, oh, it was great until you started falling out of me in class and I went, what? I didn't know that that happens. That like, I thought it, once it went up there, it collagulated and then held. Right, now it drips out, drips out. Yeah, it's fucking gross.

Yeah, it's kind of nasty, yeah. But imagine if it was dripping out of your asshole. I would love to do a deep, can I tell you what I want? I want it, my own segment, your mom's house exclusive. Yeah. About women talking about getting come done. Like celebrities, like Amy Schumer. The first time she got came done,

the worst time she got came done. Like how many times she could, if she had to guess how many times she got came done. The awkward, it's all about getting come done. I think I'm saying these words wrong, but that's the fun of the podcast. Yeah, and it's called, and it's called, come talk to me with Bert.

Right. Right. You know what's gonna make you really turned on though, is you'll be like, you'll talk to a couple who will be like, yeah, you know, it feels weird. And then that first girl that sits there and tells you, like, it's my favorite feeling the real one. I feel hot come.

And then you're gonna be like, oh, you know who we should call? Nikki Glazer, I bet she'd do it. Let's, can we bounce the idea off of celebrity podcaster? Sure, sure, sure. Let's call Nikki Glazer and see, if by the way, air fresheners are What the fuck am I turned on to do I'm such a fucking

Does that make a little money off merch you like fuck it. Let's double down Nikki Glazer's hanging out with her parents in St. Louis right St. Louis. Louis, yeah. Her sisters. Really attractive. I saw they went kayaking. Hey, Nikki, what's up? I'm doing a podcast with Tom. I'm doing a podcast with Tom Saguaro. Okay, holy shit, I was gonna say something.

I know exactly what you were gonna say. Ooh, I love you for stopping me. Okay, so, okay, you're my only friend I can run this by that would give me an honest answer. So you know how there's this show Hot Ones? Yes. Okay, I want to do my own kind of talk show. It's all with women, very progressive. All I have is women, guess.

Okay. It's like the zoo. I've always pictured you like producing a view type show. So. Okay. Okay, here's the pitch. The name of the show is Come Talk with me. And it's okay. And I have a fear of getting comeed in, so it's all about come stories. But from a woman's perspective.

Yes, yes, please, please. Okay, that's all, okay, when this quarantine locks down and we can do one you're my first guest I can't wait god. I want to make so many jokes, but I'm sitting at the breakfast table with my dad Put your dad on put your dad on can I listen to your dad's voice real quick? Have you heard her dad's voice? No dad? Tell me if this does it sound like a DJ He wants to hear your voice. Come here. Where are you?

Why are you hiding? Here's your dad's got a little joke. I'm the boy sir. It's a good voice. It's a good talk. Hey, Bert. How are you doing? What?

I know, right? Yeah. Nice to meet you, Mr. Glazer. I've been listening to you on Nikki's stories, and I love your voice. Oh, thank you. That's nice to hear. Are you a professional voice over artist?

Yeah. What do you do for a living that you talk like that? I, well, right now I used to be in a VPM marketing for a cable company, but now I play music. Really? So, like, yeah, and I play, I'm playing a gig today for a bunch of retire people. I'm going to extro window to window outside and serenade them at a nursing home. window to window outside and serenade them at a nursing home. Nikki's gonna come and then she alerted the local media so the local media is showing up to. So I'm gonna be immediate darlings. Oh hell yeah. Well I want to tell you you did a great job raising Nikki. She's an absolute green person. I

love her to death and and your voice is even better. And as a father of two daughters who's I'm in the middle of this struggle right now, I just want to say hats off to you. Oh thanks, yeah, Nikki tells me you're a fantastic father. So that's a good accolade coming from you. I'd rather her say I was a great comic, but okay. She says that too. I'm looking forward to that show she did with you with everybody.

Say I'm looking forward to the show, you guys are putting together too. I'm looking forward to the show. Oh, Nikki wants me to say I'm looking forward to the show, you guys are putting together too I'm looking forward to the show Oh, Nicky wants me to say I'm looking forward to the show you guys are putting together too Now I feel like a bad dad all right Hi, tell Nicky. I love her. Thank you very much Mr. Glazer was good talking to you guys have a great day Come in soon come talk with me with Berkiser, come talk with me. And serve writer, come talk. So how would you like me?

How would you start the show? Like what would you do to introduce the idea? Like first, all right, so Nikki's in front of you. Hey, you know, the nice cities are out of the way. And then you're like, so what was the first time you got? That's it. I don't know. Let's work this out.

I like this. And guys, hey, this is like a crowd-produced show. So if you have great ideas, please send them our way and we'll read them on the show and we'll figure this out. I'm saying, did you say collagulated? Collagulated, is that not the right word? No. What's collagulated?

Collagulated. Collagulated. Collagulated is like- There's no L. Collagulated. Oh, it's coagulated? Yeah. Do one time I came in a girl.

I came in a girl. We had put a big couch and a love couch together. That was our move. She would sleep on the love seat. I would sleep on the big couch. And we had sex on that. I think it was one of the first times I legit came to somebody.

Came to me and it clagulated. It like turned into like, like milk that had rotted. It just like, I think about that so much. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah I started masturbating so young that, you know. How are you young, where are you? Six. What? Are you serious? Yeah, I didn't know I was masturbating, you know.

Cause I was having orgasms, but you don't ejaculate. Cause you're not producing any. So how are you having orgasms? Because I was like, I don't know how I figured out like how to rub my dick head. And I was humping like, mattress and I would have full orgasm And just being like and I remember sitting with one of my cousins being like so do you do that thing? You know where you like you pinch the foreskin and you twist it and then your body shakes and stuff and he's like what?

Like I was trying to explain to him what I do and he was like now We're a kid so we're like seven at that point maybe eight, you know So I didn't know for like years, like a few years of what I was doing. I just knew that like I did it in secret, you know? First orgasm I had was in a friend's pool and I was using the, um, the, the hose gun. Mm-hmm. I don't know how it started, but I know how it ended. It was just like, I don't know, that feels good. Oh, hey, oh, oh, and then it went.

And I was like, oh my God. I, he just in the pool. No, no, no, I was probably, I had to be over 10. I was probably 10 exactly, maybe a little bit older, maybe 11, and I remember thinking I had figured out the key to life. This is what the point of life is, is these. And I remember I got in the car with my dad,

and we were going to pick up my aunt at the airport, and I was gonna share it. I was gonna be like, hey, I figured out the fucking key to life. And I go, dad, I wanna tell be like, hey, I figured out the fucking key to life. And I go, dad, I wanna tell you something, but I wanna let you know, and he goes, is this number one of your stupid fucking ideas?

And I was like, you know what, you don't get the secret. And I didn't share it with him because he was, this is not one of your stupid fucking ideas. I must have been exhausting to be around as a kid. I remember one time I was in the, I was in the, I was in the, in the going to the airport to pick up my aunt again with my dad. And I said, I can do magic. He was like, really? I say, Oh, yeah. He was a quick he can do. And I said, watch this, dad. I'll take this piece of paper. I'll

put it in my ear and it'll come out my mouth. And he was like, I want to see it. So real quick, I show a piece of paper on my mouth, right? I take the piece of paper, I put it in my ear and then I pull this out of my mouth and he goes, that's great. He goes, there's a piece of paper in your ear and I said, no, there's not and he goes, bullshit. He's driving on the interstate. I go, no, there's not and he goes, let me see your ear and I go, okay, and I jam it in my ear, hard as fuck and I go, look and he goes god damn it I can't see the piece of paper. What did you do with the piece of paper? I go nothing and he goes did you did you do it like

Side of hand I go no it's a magic trick so we're driving for another five minutes I start trying to get it out and I can't get it out that he used me crying to myself because it's in your ears I'm gonna get you in there. That's it, my EWR. Oh. Yeah, that was the first time I came. Was it on the road with your dad? No, no, no, no, no, no. The story before, the first time something came out.

I was in my garage. Who you calling? No, I'm calling. I'll take a sip of cool aid Go ahead um The cool aid You think you're drinking cool aid to start your day really? It's so good. What kind red? Cool aid is fucking awesome. It really is awesome

It's so good. Take a little portal something for yourself. It's watered down. It's not too bad. It's cool. It's cool eh yeah yeah yeah it's awesome Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!

Oh fuck! So much sugar! Oh fuck! Oh my hand hurts! No, no! People walk around in their sleep. They're like, good for that guy! You drink a lot of water! It's cold!

Oh fuck! Oh! Oh shit! Oh! That's so much cold! That's half a gallon of cold! You're like, I'm getting my day started I'm so can fucking wet

Hardest I've ever seen you laugh Okay, hold on it's pretty good is not that That's the hardest I've ever seen you laugh. It's the hardest I've laughed. Okay, hold on. It's pretty good. It's not that... That's good, right? It's good. It's like you should drink 64 ounces.

I'm gonna drink two of them. I'm gonna drink two every day. I think too everything! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You know how like you don't realize how different you are until someone points it out? Oh my god, I need to fucking lay down. Your eyes are so much out right now. I love it! I don't know. I'm gonna be... Scream! Scream!

I'm gonna be... Scream! Scream! Scream! I don't know! I'm gonna be... I'm gonna be... I'm gonna be... There's another... I don't... Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! I'm so glad you're crying. I'm soaking wet. I'm doing a hydrated. It really is good. Why can I handle this? So, wait, take me through your morning. Just for people that don't know, it's 10 o'clock in the morning. So, how does your day start?

Okay. I get up, I make a double iced coffee, I drink that and then I get around four miles. And then I make a big one of these. I get in the pool, I shower in the pool. And then I sip this throughout the day and then I try to have one or two more of these The pink lemonade's really The worst is that island I we the two of us fucking murder these like to the point where when pandemic started We had to get Leanne to go to dollar tree to get more cool aid because we were going through so much cool Ladies we were just home. I think even though you were in the cool. I love it You've never mentioned cool aid before. I drink cool aid because we were going through so much cool aids. We were just home. I think even though you were in the cool aid. Oh, I love it. You've never mentioned cool aid before.

I drink cool aid every day. I love cool aid. You drink cool aid every day? Yeah, probably about 120 ounces. You don't think that's not adding calories though. No. It's low calorie goulade. Yeah, no. Many, most doctors recommend it. Oh my God. What's with the other beverages? What you said, it is what I wanted to talk about. This is that, so there's a guy here that works here as names Chris.

Yes. And how many calories are in goulade? Per serving. A serving is What eight ounces so about a hundred calories? I get low-pack it low-calorie Kool-Aid. Oh Fucking sweating. I need to stop laughing. I'm taking my blood pressure medicine. Yeah, wait scroll back down Go down on sugars 25 grams per serving Wait, wait, wait, Look at the vitamin C though.

Yeah, that's true. Oh my God, that's the, that's might be the hardest we've laughed on this show ever. So I wanted to talk about this. I feel like I need to go outside. No, no, no, we're fine. Okay, so you guys in the, in there, I'm a beverage guy. So I went through and I saw the beverages you have and I saw you have Pepsi. Pepsi is such an interesting

choice of beverage. Yeah, like there's certain people have a taste for Pepsi. You get it when your parents get divorced, you have to move them with an aunt and your aunt drinks Pepsi and then you're like, cold pot, Stalin, all this, yeah, Mussolini, they're all Pepsi fans. For real? Yeah. That's really fucking, are you being serious? No. So we went to one place, one town,

and we got there, and they were the whole town just drank Pepsi. We was on tour, and I was like, that's interesting, and they're like, yeah, this is a Pepsi town. And I was like, what do you mean? They're like, there were Pepsi towns, and then there were Coke towns. Like, Atlanta is a Pepsi town. And I was like, what do you mean? They're like, there were Pepsi towns and then there were Coke towns.

Like Atlanta is a Coke town, right? Well, that's headquarters. Right. And there's headquarters, check out headquarters of Pepsi. Would you need to dov? Please. So it was, I think it was probably upstate New York where we were and they only served Pepsi. And we were like, that's really interesting. And then we all have Pepsi.

We were like, wow, Pepsi is really good. It's such a different taste than Coke. Did you ever pick up on that by the way, like along the same lines about how Cours is one of those beers where you're, you know, West. Yes. And like you go places and then, if you're asked for, if you're in the course, like,

I had an uncle who drank Cours and you go places and then if you're asked for it, if you're in the course, like, I had an uncle who drank course, and if you go usually Eastern United States and you say, cool, I'll be like, oh, fuck, cool. That smoking in the band, it was all about course. Yeah. It was the idea was they wanted, because course had more alcohol in it than other beers.

And so he had to run a case of course. And I think the whole point was, the big truck was carrying a course, and he was running to distract the cops so that the truck of course could make it to a party. Okay, so I almost fascinated by different places in the country being attached to different brands, and then that being their brand,

like my, my, my, my wife's, dad, my wife's dad is a Chevy guy. Like they do not try forwards. Yeah, yeah, I could see that. I also feel like I saw Chevy be a thing more when I move to this out. Yeah, and I think it's because Ford is a Northern plant. I wish I could find the exact, but like, like, and some places,

like they had a big problem at Burger King because they stopped flying the Confederate flag in Georgia. And like the 90s, I think, is Burger King, said we're not gonna fly the Confederate flag. And I love Chris sandwiches. What sandwiches? Chris sandwiches. What's Chris sandwiches?

Are you being serious? Wait, I don't know. Salsa Jagan Cheese, Crusamwich. A Crusamwich. Pull up a picture of a Crusamwich. These are the best fucking sandwich breakfast sandwiches ever. Crusamwich is from Burger King, Salsa Jagan Cheese,

without a doubt is the best sandwich ever. Oh, just look at this. Oh, like a croissant. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. That is the Wait, so did that when they took their flag down you're like I'm not going anymore No, no, no, no, I tried to go there with some of my wife's family Oh, and now I'm not my wife's dad But some of my wife's family and they're like we were going to the airport and I said just pull into Burger King and they said we don't go to Burger King

We're like why not and the end's like just let it go and I was like no way why don't we go to Burger King And they go they stop behind the Confederate flag and I go I don't have a problem with that pulling the fucking Burger King And they're like we won't go to Burger King and I was like holy shit and the end's like just fucking go to McDonald's And I was like I don't like McDonald's I guess McDonald's kept flying the Confederate flag I guess I don't, I don't know. I don't know, by the way, don't, yeah, don't, yeah. Don't quote me on this. This was one very drunk morning I had

when we first started dating. How do you not always, like I wanted this about you. How do you not always feel sick and want to throw up? You know, so interesting, I got, I tied one on last night. You did? Like legit, I opened a got, I tied one on last night. You did? Like legit. I opened a bottle of Buffalo trace. Uh-huh. And legit had a cocktail. Did I did a Sam Adams thing? You know, the Sam Adams things? I did one for my dad. So we drank a couple Boston loggers. Yeah. And then our friends called up and they're like,

hey, we're making pizza. Do you want some pizza? And we got in the car, drank a bottle of wine over at their house, came back, had another little at the house, and then went to up and they're like, hey, we're making pizza. Do you want some pizza? And we got in the car, drank a bottle of wine over at their house, came back, had another little, at the house, and then went to sleep, and I was like, fuck, we have two birds won't came in the morning. I was like, okay, I know that I have to run. What time are you asleep by? Oh, I can tell you, oh my, whoop.

Yeah. I, I still am feeling it. I know having that hard. It's hard to come, it's hard to like, oh, it's gonna take a while. It's catching up from seven. I am, but I went to bed. I went to bed and then...

I went to bed probably around midnight one o'clock. I'm gonna seem to a book on tape right now. So I was listening to that and book up around seven and then Liam was already working out. And I went on the treadmill and I ran a quick four miles, real quick four miles, hard hole hole. Sweat a lot. Poured sweat got in the pool, showered,

outdoor shower, cool aid, sweating, pouring sweat in the car, called CalHead, talked about the COVID, and then pulled in here, late as usual. Yeah, that's fine. I'm always 10 minutes late to this. It's all right. I'm not late to anything else.

I'm usually not late at all for anything. Feel, appreciate it. Well, yeah, this is like a little, a little. Yeah, but I wanted to taste Pepsi. Okay. I'm gonna Pepsi and forever. Of. But I wanted to taste Pepsi. Okay. I'm gonna Pepsi and forever. Of course I'm in there for it. Versus Diet Coke.

Tell me if you could tell the difference between Pepsi or Diet Coke. Okay. Like I'm someone when we all get sodas, like the family gets sodas, and we start passing them around, I will drink a full soda before I realize, oh this isn't my drink.

Okay. All right, give me a little bit of that. Okay, and then some DC in there. Okay. And then might as well go for that. Well, that has a very distinct taste though. Yeah, but yeah, even still, I can never tell the difference between Dr. Pepper.

And what? Like diet, Dr. Pepper. And diet, and diet, Coke, like I'll do, give me. Oh. I drank, oh, I know the story I wanted to tell you. So I already forgot which is which. It's all good. This is Dr. Pepper.

This is Diet Coke. OK. This is Pepsi. OK, so I'll drink from that side, you drink from that side. Are you just drinking out of the can? Oh, yeah, I can do that. Yeah. Yeah.

So what do you want to start with, Dr. Pepper? Start with Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper. Okay. You don't think that's a very distinct taste? It's a really distinct taste. What's the overwhelming flavor of that? We type in flavor, a profile of Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper, it's a, it's a, it's a, it tastes like it's a cousin cinnamon. Is it beer, right?

Is it cherry? All the flavors mix together. Can you read the question? Oh, no, no caramel blackberry licorice. Yeah, on the red. Oh, it's a type of licorice. Lemon molasses, sasparilla, pepper, plum, orange,

netmeg, cardamom, no, those are the 23 flavors that make Dr. Pepper. Do you think licorice is what stands out though? Do you ever hear that no? No, no. Do you ever hear the guy that made Coke sold it to the Coke people, sold the ingredients and did not make the fortune?

I heard that. I don't know if that's true though. All right, let's try Pepsi versus Dr. Pepper. So Pepsi first. It's got more of a citrusy taste. It's a lighter feel than this. And sweeter. It's sweeter. It's in the back of your tongue.

It's got a hook on it on the back of your tongue. All right, Diet Coke. Yeah It's so much better To my palate, that's so much better This is like that's a little that's a little broader. Yeah, a little more. It's a distinct taste. Yeah, you're right So ends up happening like it's like, do you either have the desire to have those really specific tastes or this kind of,

this feels like, I don't know, almost like, like they were trying to make this and they were like, it doesn't taste like it, so let's just go in these other directions, you know? Like they were trying to make this broader taste. Do you think we could make a soda? I mean, we could try. Yeah.

Do you want to try to make a soda? I so badly want to do that. How great would that be if we came up with our own soda? Because you know what it is. It's all is is just note-taking. Is all you need is someone that's meticulous with notes. So you fuck around and you put your own measurements in. We just gotta get wasted, have a laboratory.

I don't think we have to get wasted though to do it. But I think it's probably better if you're wasted. I don't think. Just get fucking wasted and then all you need is a note-taker. What was that young lady that used to work with you that's friends with Hannah from the heart? Hannah. Allie. Best she's a good note- you that's friends with Hannah from the heart? Hannah. Allie.

Allie. Best she's a good note taker. Get Allie, put her in a lab coat, get her some goggles, and then me and you, fucking trashed, coming up with fucking flavors. All you gotta do, if I swear to God, we pick these 23 flavors. Cardamon, Anice, and that not how you say it.

I don't know what you're saying. On an ice. On an ice. Pick 20 flavors, not mag. And then you know what we do? We throw in the flavors from juicy fruit. We throw those in. Throw those in.

Grapefruit, banana. I bet we could come up with a sports soda. A very refreshing sports soda. Walk around with a half gallon of cool eight on you. Hahaha. Nobody would ever guess that. I bet we could come up with a pretty bad ass soda. What would we call it?

I don't like the word cola. Killer Mike came up with Cripp cola, cola. Cola bothers me, cola. What do you likerip Kola, Kola. Kola bothers me, Kola. What do you like? I like Dr. Pepper. I like diet coke. I like Pepsi. I like, bap-bap.

Don't say soda. No, no, no, soda. The croix is a great one. The croix really makes you feel like you're in the islands. Okay. Can you believe the croix is a thing? How do they fucking, I mean, we drink so many of the croise at our house?

Yeah, and it's just like soda water and a can. That's it. Yeah. We gotta start really branding ourselves out there. We've already got a flip-flop line We're thinking about doing a shoe line for you. Oh, that's where we go. Let's talk about shoes. Guess who fucking hit me up? Who? Trinidad James. What do you say?

Swordy God, he asked me to do his, he's got a parenting podcast. Yeah. And so I'm doing it today at three. You are? Yeah. I think it's, I think it's, uh, just FaceTime on, uh, on Instagram. Sure. But, um, so let's talk about shoes. So I'm reading this book, the great book of shoes, the great book of sneakers. Yeah. And I'm starting to know a lot about sneakers. There is, it's really fascinating when you look at kind of the progress of sneakers and where sneakers have gone and what attracts people to sneakers. Yeah.

So if you could make your own signature sneaker, what would you be, what would you go after? What would you model it after? Hmm. I mean, because there's, I'll be honest with you and this is going to be sacrilege to most sneaker people. There's not really much to a Jordan, meaning like Jordan's, I have found our very uncomfortable shoes. Really?

Yeah, like a Jordan is, when you talk about like an Air Force One, I feel like there's more product in an Air Force One. Well, here's the thing, there's a big difference because you, like a lot of people like myself, you know, if you're talking about like the retro ones or something, those aren't about like the ultimate comfort. No, it's like this style, but I'm saying, if you actually get in Jordans as they evolved.

Oh, like, oh yeah, I see what you're saying. Yeah, I mean, I, I, let me take that back. You're right, yeah. They became much more comfortable. They became much more comfortable, but I don't think they're attractive. I, I'm with you. The,. I'm with you the the the Jordan ones keep those sneakers up by the way, Nidav please The the old Jordan that's some beautiful shoe you you see in the movie and the The documentary he did the last dance last dance when he did the one show shoe and the old

School shoes. Yeah, he played the last game in the Watch More Call. In the ones. And he's like, my feet are fucking killing me. Leading, he said, they're full of blood. Yeah, because when you put those on, I have a bunch of those ones. You put them on, you're like, oh, I mean, this is for walking around,

but if I were to try and play basketball in this right now, this would suck. Yeah, it would really suck. They're not supportive, but those right there that the cursor's on, those are comfortable as shit to play in. Those are real? Oh, yeah, for sure. And like all the ones that have come out in the last decade are really made for playing

high level basketball and they have the most advanced technology. So they're way more, but yeah, the early ones would definitely not be like that. So Nike SB's are my favorite shoe. Yeah, those are comfortable. They're so comfortable. Like I'm ever putting one on for the first time. Yeah. And I had done an ice house chronicles with you and Joe and I probably read

band and Joey and we were talking about what shoes we were on stage and I was like I wore boots. I always wore boots on stage and typical Joey goes That's the dumbest shoe to wear on stage and I was like what do you mean he goes what if you have to fight? I was like huh? He was like how are you gonna like you have no traction those things You'll be all over the place someone could kill you in those you got to stop wearing boots and I was like okay You'll be all over the place someone could kill you in those you got to stop wearing boots and I was like okay It's like you can't wear a tie around Joe because all he sees is you as a victim like if you put a tie on He's like, oh, I just fucking take that and strangler you

Yeah, what are you gonna wear a tie for and you're like I guess I'm not wearing ties And so you and so I said to you like what are you wearing you were like oh Air Force ones or sneakers you were and I was like oh And I did not wear, I didn't own. That's right, I used to see you in boots all the time. I did not own sneakers. I forgot. I did not own a pair of sneakers. Really?

I never wore my word, foot pops and boots, that's it. I never wore sneakers. That's a real white guy shit. It's fucking straight up. Yeah. And so I was like, I was doing birth conquer at the time. And I was, I said to Leanna, I was like, I should get some sneakers.

And she was like, okay. And so I went to Valsurf and I was like, do you guys have a good, comfortable sneaker and they gave me a pair of Nike SB's and I fucking loved them. And then I was done. And then what happened is, I went to Atlanta to do a show and I put on my boots

and I started getting plantar fasciitis from them Like because I was so comfortable in the Nike Air Nike S-B's with the one I couldn't go back to boots and then now I've been in sneakers ever since S-B's are super comfortable man I did I did I had custom pair for my last special special before that I had Nike Joy I had Jordans on yeah black Jordans. I really liked them, but I put Jordans on. Yeah. Black Jordans, I really liked them, but. I had Jordans for the first two, and then I had Y3s for the third one. Y3. It's in Adidas, Yash, what is it?

Yash, Yamamoto? Y-Yamamoto, right? Y3s, I think that's his name, isn't it? Yeah, Y-Yamamoto. Let me see a picture. Yamamoto. Well, he makes all kinds, but I had like a very, like a specific kind of. I'll tell you what I'm really loving right now or Adidas, the Ultra Boosts.

Is it? Yeah, they make Ultra Boosts, yeah, yeah. But I like, they have, they have like a special Ultra Boosts that you can get that are like, you'll get in sneaker shops that are different different kind they're not really like ultra boosts. They're kind of just like some sort of a d this type thing But like that kind of the different netting and they're really fucking comfortable to ultra boosts. I like The pure boosts I even liked to the pure boost. Yeah, because ultra boost is like supposed to be the top one I like the pure boost even the one type in pure boost. I love to see a pure boost. I think I might, that might be what I like too.

Yeah. Super comfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you were gonna make a signature shoe, what would you, what, what, what are your favorite things from different shoes that you would put into this shoe? Well, I think it's all about like, it's the look you like, so style wise and then comfort. Would you make a shoe you could wear with shorts?

You can't really wear Jordans with shorts. No, I can't. No. I can't only wear flip-flops with shorts. Why? Because I don't, it's like, yeah. I mean, I like low cuts, you know, for like a, like an Air Force One style shoe for shorts, right?

Yeah. Like a not a high top. But the high tops, I can't wear it out for so many people. I can't high tops are so cumbersome for me. Like to take on and off. Oh, those are the Tiffany, see the blue and black ones? Those are Tiffany, the diamond espis. Right there.

Those are fucking awesome. I haven't bought shoes all of quarantine really I did not bought one pair of shoes I bought a you did yeah I've been because it's easy online you know you just have shit so how would you what kind of you know what you know I turn it adjams ship to me oh he shipped me four pairs of shoes that are so when you you do the, their Sneaker Show, they bring up like new designs, and they're like, hey, what do you think of this, of this shoe, and it's like, like,

flip, skip, or drip, you know, kind of thing, where you're like, I like it. But I did, usually you go, I was supposed to be in New York to do their show. It was like, I watched it, yeah. It was on Zoom. So there's this one part. You're definitely code talking to them.

Keep going. What's that? You're like, oh yeah, Homeboy? I was not. Yeah, yeah, Homeboy. Pull it up, pull it up. You code talking a little bit. No, it was a little bit.

A little bit. We talking about. See the way you're talking now is white. And then when you're talking to them, you're like, yeah, yeah, don't fly. Fun. So. So they bring up this't fly, fun. So. So.

So they bring up this first shoe though. I ever tell you about, I never mind, I can't tell you about it. They bring up the first shoe and I'm looking on my laptop and it's in one little square. And I was like, oh yeah, that's hot. I just got it. He just contact. You just, oh yeah, that's hot.

Yeah, keep going. So I'm like, I go drip or whatever the thing is, and they're like, really? And then I go, well, can you like make this bigger? But I've already said it's a hot shoe, and then they do it, I'm like, nah, and they're like, nah, you already said it was hot. So, I was like, nah, I can't take that back.

I got off shit. And then they're all like, this shoe is terrible. So then they start clowning me and they're like, cannot believe you said, I was like, come on man. So I go, I take it back, they're like, you can't take it back. You said it was hot and they're like, this is a worst shoe.

And they had just destroyed the shoe. He sent me four pairs of that shoe. Well, I don't think I know enough about Trinity Dad James. Yeah. Like I want to learn more about him. I just think of me enough about Trinidad James. Yeah. Like, I want to learn more about him. You just find out today. I just like his music. Yeah.

Like, I remember, I don't know how I got turned onto him, and I remember telling someone from Atlanta that I liked him, and they were like, how the fuck do you know Trinidad James? And I was like, what do you mean? Apparently, he was selling a mixtape. He was working at a clothing store in one of the malls in Atlanta,

and he was selling his mix tape out of that thing. So he was hot on the streets before he was big in his label. And he's a fashion icon. He really is into fashion. Oh yeah, man. Like hardcore. Do ball gold, everything.

His, I want that to be my summer look. His, his shoe game is actually completely world-class. This guy has everything and knows about everything. It's wild. You realize that when you think you like something and then you meet somebody who really likes it. Like I feel like that about almost everything that I feel strongly that I like and I I realize I'm like so, you know,

like, let's say I like shoes. I don't like shoes like this, dude, does. I like hip hop. I don't like it like Russell Peters does, like where he's like, do you know who played drums on that beat? I'm like, no, and like he'll know the whole history of everything.

I like cars, not like Matt Fera and those guys where they're just telling you about this type of displacement. What's your thing then that you can out geek somebody? That's the thing I was thinking about. I really don't know. I don't know if I have that level of, but I appreciate. I actually recognizing what you like in our fan of makes you appreciate other people's fandom even if you don't align with it. Meaning the fact that I really know that I like cars and certain music and stuff, then I go like,

you know what, I guess these wrestling fans aren't such TikToks. I mean, they are, but I get it. That's just what they're into. They're, you know? I wish I was in wrestling. Really? You've definitely fit the mold.

Are you kidding me? You know I'm writing this self-help book, and it basically the first two chapters are how to turn yourself into a professional wrestler. Really? Oh, basically. I didn't realize what I was writing in the Leanne. It's like, are you making them into professional wrestlers?

Or is this self-help book? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, real? She's like, yeah, this is really ridiculous. She's like, you should not put this in the book. This is not. What are you putting in there? Oh, the first chapter is, give yourself a nickname.

This self-help book, and I was all about, because I think all great men have great nicknames. And if you don't have a good nickname, it's hard to get by. It's hard to get by? Yeah, if you don't have a great nickname. Like, you need a great nickname. It's really tough to be a dude with just a name,

like Ari Shaffir. And then you're like, is there any more thing else to you? I'm Jewish, and you're like, yeah, there's something like, give me some razzle dazzle. What do we know about you? Ari Shaffir. And then you're like, is there any more thing else to you? I'm Jewish and you're like, well, there's something like, give me some razzle dazzle. What do we know about you? Ari Shaffir. You're like, come on, nothing.

So you feel like he needs a nickname. Why don't we give him one? Okay. What do you want to call him? The nose. No, no, you've got to be, it's best if you give yourself a nickname. Oh, okay.

So like if you give yourself your nickname, then you can kind of dictate your narrative. And it's great if it's organic. Like you can't just go, well I'm a birthday dick, Chrysher. And they're like, yeah. By the way, I've had buddies give them, so I've had so many friends give them self nicknames.

And like my buddy, Scott O'Brien, when we were in ninth grade, we went out to the end of the aisle in Marblewood and we were drinking beers, and I was like, so Scott, and he goes, it's OB now. And we're like, what? He's like, they call me OB.

And we were like, we thought it was like, okay, OB. And we called him OB for the rest of his life. And then he was like, hey, not the way you say it. But then he came his real name. And then it was his nickname, my buddy Maurice Wecho. It was a great fucking nickname. I've heard you Maurice, Wicho. It was a great fucking nickname. I've heard you say Wicho. Wicho is a great fucking nickname.

What did you go buy back then though? You must have given yourself a nickname. There's no way you were walking around. Nick nameless. I was, while I was nature boy for a little while cause I used to take my shirt off and be barefoot. Uh, I was Edward Penislips for a little bit. Edward Penislips?

The Beeman. Beeman was a big one. Like penis lips. The B-man. B-man was a big one. Like B-man was one I gave myself. I used to yell, B-man kills it in parties. And then I could use a B-man, I go, I don't know, it sounds like he kills it. B-man kills it.

I don't fucking hear you that was. In a party I just go, be man, kill it! My buddy. And then when I went to Russia, gave myself the machine and then machines paid some dividends. Yeah, no, I know. Yeah. You heard that story? Yeah, we all know.

Would you call yourself, if you didn't have that now, would you give yourself a nickname now, like, Gool-Aid, or know what you call yourself if you didn't have that now would you give yourself a nickname now like gulade or what would you call yourself? Hey cool Yeah, cool And I'm like, why do you call it he drinks a gallon a day? What's up? And I'm like, what are you talking? He drinks a gallon a day Trinidad James real name isn't Trinidad James but it's a great fucking name. Yeah, that's good name. I mean rappers You know rappers rappers all have the dorkiest fucking names real name method man. Yeah his real name Clifford Clifford Smith. Yep DMX Earl Earl Simma master P Percy Percy's a great fucking name. Percy. Yeah. Percy would be a great fucking nickname. Percy's a great name. Yeah. There's like some old-school

Black names like Percy you hear Rose of out, you know, dudes be name. There was a guy the play football Florida State Link Chauncey Chauncey's a great fucking name. Yeah But who'd you say played for Lincoln? Lincoln, what was his name? Lincoln you ended up going pro Fuck I don't know Yeah, there's there was some great black guys got some great fucking names back and like like guys that are more my age I think about a snoop is Calvin. Calvin brought us, yeah.

That's a great fucking name. It's a good Calvin brought us. It's amazing that he changed into Snoop Doggie Dog. I remember hearing Snoop Doggie Dog and going, that doesn't sound that tough. And they're like, he's actually a really good rapper. Yeah. I was like, yeah, it sounds kind of stupid.

They're like, he's, don't worry. If you listen to his rap, it fits in. Yeah. Yeah, Calvin brought us to great fucking name. It's a good name. Will Smith was Will Smith. Sure. What are you looking up?

Rapper's names? Dante, Tarell Smith. Who's that? Oh, most deaf, yeah. Most deaf's a great, most deaf's a fucking... Most deaf is a great. Dude, one of the fucking coolest things ever was Chappelle show when he had most deaf...

Yeah, scene Bay, isn't that what he goes right now? Oh, right. He changed it again. Yeah. Because he's Muslim. You know Dave Shepel's Muslim? Yeah. Not crazy.

He didn't seem like it. What does that mean? He smokes weed and drinks. Oh, I don't think you can do that. It's probably a good point. Yeah, maybe I'll go Muslim. Maybe you'll go Muslim. Pull up the tenements of Muslim.

Islam? Islam. Pull up the tenements of Islam. Five pillars of Islam. All right, sell it to me, Tommy. All right. Go ahead and make that bigger for me. Five. Dude, okay, already I'm just on the further record.

I can get behind a religion. That's only got five things I gotta follow. Okay, pretty easy, ready? Pretty easy. Wrap your head around it, go ahead. Alright, first of all, you just have to be down with there is no God but God, and Muhammad is the messenger of God. That's central.

Done, I got it. Okay. Um, you, this one. We're gonna get murdered for this? We're not mocking this religion right now. Can we get murdered for talking about Islam? Is that one of the pillars? All right, keep coming. I might be Islamic by the end of this.

So are you going to be down? This one's kind of a lot here. There's a lot. The praying five times a day facing mecca. You got to do dawn noon, mid afternoon sunset and after dark. That's a lot of if you can incorporate snacks, maybe. I have like a granola bar while we pray. Let's finish this segment.

Let's see, let's talk about something else. So. Wait, tell me on a different religion. Don't tell me the religion, pull it up. You sell it to me. I'll tell you if it's a smash or pass. Okay. You go ahead and pull that up for me.

Look up one one by the way This is how we definitely get canceled just mocking everyone's religion Give me a religion yeah, and I'll tell you if I'm into it and give me some far-fetched ones Don't give me Catholicism. I'm ready there. Okay. How do you feel about you got a refrain from harming living beings? I'm in refrain from Taking that which is not freely given Reframe from taking that, which is not freely given.

Reframe from taking that. Which is, see that's usually the shit I like. The hard to get stuff. This is gonna be the struggle of this one. Okay, I'm gonna pass. What religion did I just pass on? And you're framed from sexual misconduct. And refrain, this one's gonna be real tough for you. From speech such as lying, idle chatter,

malicious gossip or harsh speech. So what am I supposed to do? Not talk? I'm in a hardcore past on this religion. That religion is? Buddhism. Oh, overreel? Yeah.

God, I thought I, I maybe just branding wise, I thought Buddhism would've worked for me. Oh, it does say you drink lots of cool things, so that was, you could do that. God, dammit, did I just pass on Buddhism? Yeah. Fuck, I really thought I would have been in great Buddhists. Yeah, I would have thought that you would have thought. There's only one God. I can do that

There are no other gods same same God can't be subdivided into different persons. We get it. There's one fucking God You should worship that one only only only God holy fuck he is transcendent God is transcendent I don't know what that means. I'll take it have a body. Fine and I don't have a body. You don't find. And... Germans are dicks. Is this Jewish? Yeah.

You want it? You want it? I'll take it. All right. So I can't believe I can give you the rundown. Pretty good if you want to know. Oh, I said Jewish. I don't know.

The, okay. Okay. So that's so interesting. I passed on Buddhism. I thought I would have been in the top. Leave that up. I'm just gonna see if you like this one. Okay, here we go. All right.

Truth is eternal. Okay. Yeah. Um, what a horn. Everyone should strive to achieve dharma. What's dharma? Let's stop asking questions. I'm in, I shall take it. Individual souls are immortal.

I love it. The goal of the individual soul is moksha. I don't know what moksha is. I'm already being a little lost in this religion, which makes me like it. Yep. Keep going. Give me something about boozer sex.

All right, there are many gods. Instead of that whole, no, there's only one bullshit we were dealing with. There are many gods. Yeah, I'll take it. Karma's real. Oh, I like this religion. I think you're in.

Yeah, what is it? Hindu. Shut up. Yeah. Is Kumail Hindu? I do not believe so. No. Who's do we know a Hindu? Type in famous Hindus. I want to see you I'm hanging out with. I guess famous Hindus in like type in 2020. I'm a fucking lifeers. Yeah Who's the most famous? Calcumail real quick. Yeah, he was raised Muslim You sure yes, very to a white check. I don't think you're allowed to do that

He was more he was raised hardcore Muslim and then he passed and then Well, he moved they moved to the States and he grew away from religion, like as he got. Oh, like everyone else does. Yeah. So we don't know any famous. Is Russell Peters into it? What was the one I just picked?

Indu? Yeah, is he? No, Russell's not. His parents might have been. I would love to know some famous injuries just so I can know who I'd see at me. Russell would know somebody. Call him, let's call him.

Call him. You think I'll answer my phone call? He didn't answer yours last time. Nikki Glazer answered ours. This has been a really easy episode. I still need to take a walk. Russell, I know a lot of Russell's. Pull up that last one for me because I want to read them those descriptions,? I know a lot of Russell's.

Pull up that last one for me, because I want to read them those descriptions, you know, the tenets of the last one you had up. No. The... That, that, that, that, yeah. When do you think the last time Russell had cruel aid was? Why the go? You think it's within the quarantine? No. You don't think he's

like, coolating quarantine. What the fuck? It's because he lives in, oh, I guess I guess probably since I've already lives. It's hard to get self-reception where he is. Please leave your message for me. Give me another one. Give me another last religion. Okay, okay. All right, here are the basic beliefs. Why is something aggressive too? Yeah, this is something that some of the, okay,

so basic beliefs are that human beings are immortal. I already am practically sold on this religion. Yeah. A person's life experience transcends a single lifetime in that human beings possess infinite capabilities. Dude. Is this Mickey Mantle gene? Oh, already.

I think we found my religion keep going. Give me something more. This is really, really good for you. We have, let's see, there's two major divisions of the mind. The reactive mind is thought to absorb all pain. An emotional trauma while the analytical mind is a rational mechanism, which is responsible for consciousness. I did that at right aid last night. I did that at right aid last night. Girls, they called and I said,

are you open? Do you have my blood pressure medicine? She said, yeah, and I got there and she goes, oh, the pharmacy's just one on duty. You kind of flip it and I processed it, angry, and then the reflective mind said, I am not going to cause drama for this woman in her life. I said, how about I come by tomorrow morning? She went, really? And I went, yeah. She goes, you don't need it tonight? I said, well, I don't feel like waiting 20 minutes.

She said, I'll be ready, first thing in the morning. And we went, like, that, I flipped it. So I'm already doing this religion. So you're in? Yeah. Scientology. For real? Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Do you think I'm famous enough to not have to do the sea boring shit? Yeah. Who do we know that Scientologists? We know a few. Who? Well, Joe. Ooh, that's supposed to say that. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, But who does? When you say they, who do you mean?

Who said they? Scientologists. Hate. I don't think they like psychology. Oh. What did he say? I don't know. That Scientologists don't like psychology?

But perfect. I fucking hate therapy. I hate therapy. Dude, my question is, could I get into Scientology, skip all the grunt work, all the fucking pledge stuff, and go straight to being famous, hanging out with Tom Cruise, Lee A'Remeni would know. Do we have Lee A'Remeni's number?

You do? Yeah, I do. That'd be great if you could call her right now. I have fucking Lee A'Remeni's number. Please call her. How do you think I would have spelled Leah when I met her? L-E-A or L-E-A-H? Fuck. L-E-A-H. No.

Leah? L-E-A? Not L-E-A? How do you think I would have spelled Remini? Start with an R. I don't have it. R-E, you don't have it? No. I was probably a text and I was like, and I raised all my text. If you could go, if they set,

so let's just say we get an offer from our agents to be Scientologists. And they're like, hey, we got a place for you in Scientology. You go on top level, like just, you know, your board members, like, you don't have to do all the fucking bullshit. All you gotta do is show up to be in a couple of movies that John Travolta, going a yacht with Tom Cruise,

do some photo ops. We're gonna get you new wives, just like more that are like, like, that are like more Scientology friendly. Yeah. Younger, not too young, but young. Yeah. Younger. Like, 29. Doh, younger, not too young, but young. Yeah, younger. Like 29. Doh, like I'll take 32.

I'll take 32. We can have two kids still, but it's still gonna be touching go on the last one. And so, and by the way, we want to help your career. All you got to do is go to the Scientology Center on Franklin, like once a month stop, I hit the gym, whatever. Are you in?

And we'll help your career. Okay. Right? Sure. What the fuck, why isn't Scientology kind of make sense? Like, well, the way you patiented to me? In fact, the way you didn't bring up aliens, but I kind of believe in them already.

So like, like I do believe, I believe more in aliens than I do with him in real life. I to point out something what you and the dove got along really well this episode We did yeah way to go guys. I think it's I took it my reflective side. Yeah Also, I want to say this episode has been brought to you by cool aid. It's really good You can drink it whenever you want it's not too sweet and it's good for you the variety packs coming five different flavors Five calories each just tear it open, turn it into a 64 inch grower, and you are hydrated for the whole day with taste,

Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid. I would love a sponsorship from Kool-Aid for real. We just did one. If Kool-Aid, by the way, there are brands that I'm looking for that, like, I've already conquered the flip-flop game, and so I would love to get into running shorts.

Okay, on the next episode, a two bears one cave. Bert and Tom figure out what brands they're looking for sponsorships from. What's your favorite sweet treat? So I'm just gonna take a second. Yeah. Because I'm really trying to, I'm out watering right now. Okay. Depends what we're saying.

Like, I will always go Oreos. Oreos are a moment down the line. They never let down. Even if they're stale, they're even good. Dipton Milk, you know, Ila did the other day. She stuck a fork in the icing and dipped it in milk that way. Oh, and then I go, what the fuck are you doing?

She was like, what? I was like, the kid can barely read a fucking book but she's figured out Oreo dipping. Yeah. Oreo, I mean, I'd have to say, you're giving $5 to get treats for everyone. Like, and you're like, hey, we're getting on, we're driving out to Malibu for the day.

Hey, Bert, running will get treats. Just a sweet treat that everyone's gonna like. It's Oreos, it's always Oreos. Oreos is the shit. I mean, I would almost also say that like donuts. Okay, I didn't know we were going like broad strokes. Yeah, fucking donuts. God, donuts are so good.

Blinkies donuts. This shit. Do they have a fucking Blinkies donut that's like a grape, jelly donut, but it's folded? It's a grape. Next time we come in here, let's grab some donuts. 100%. Okay. Uh-huh. Can you smash a bunch?

How many things you can smash? Depends what kind of donuts we're talking. Okay. Let's see. Okay We'll do it on the next episode. Let's do it on the next episode. Is that you mean for real the one? Yeah, yes, okay, okay All right, we got to run. This was a lot of fun. I love you guys. I love you. Please keep drinking cool late. Oh, okay. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.

No scripts to bet a booze amateur for topology Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call two bears one cave