2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 39 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

SPONSORS: - You can try ShipStation FREE for 60 days when you use offer code CAVE. - Go to forhims.com/bears for a free online visit - Receive $10 Off Your first pair of Feetures by going to feetures.com and using the code BEARS. - Go to drinkLMNT.com/BEARS and check out their electrolyte variety pack! Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing Bert's drinking the night before, during which he sent text messages to Tom and Nadav about the 1972 Miami Dolphins. This prompts a conversation about the best NFL teams of all time. They then discuss Shaq and Charles Barkley's bench press contest, Charles Haley, Nick Cannon's recent controversy, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith's Red Table Talk, the celebrity "Responsibility" video, and what celebrities Bert is more famous than.

I do Shaq, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, and just fucking dislocate my jaw like's not funny. There's one guy had a, oh man, I am hungover. The, there was this boy who rescued his daughter, the sister, did you see that? A boy who rescued his daughter. The sister?

It was sister. I am fucking hungover today. I wish I could drink right now and just get home. I don't know how I'd get home. I could take you home. Yeah, but I had my car out here and then Leanne's gonna be a fucking shit show. So this young boy, his dog was going to attack his sister

and he got in front of the, in between the dog and the sister and he got attacked by the dog pretty aggressively. I put it on my Instagram, Emma on my Twitter. I put it on the Twitter, the kid got fucked up by this dog and he did it to protect his sister Fucking such a badass move by this kid. Wow, so I posted on my

I'm not laughing at this kid at all by any stretch of the means by posting on my Twitter And I was like this kids a real hero or whatever and this guy I followed him and he goes oh my god Wait, oh, Bert gets his hands on this dog I followed him and he goes oh my god wait old bird gets his hands on this dog Out loud I followed the kid and I DMed him I go dude you just made me I was drunk last night I go you just made me laugh out fucking loud and he goes here. He wrote back. It was pretty funny line There's some really funny things that people Somebody wrote There are some really funny things that people... ...somebody... ...somebody wrote... ...I don't know, I think I said that something was hilarious.

And then a guy's comment was, uh, let me guess, did, uh... ...did a pipe fly through somebody's chest cavity? ... ...yeah, there's a lot of funny things. Five through somebody's chest cavity Yeah, there's a lot of funny. Oh, I love that I sat down here and right before we hit record you go I love who I am what I'm drunk. Yeah, I love it's such a real honest version of me. It's like it's very pure I love who I am when I'm trying I got Lit last night like like the kind of lit, like,

I can see it a little bit. In my eyes right now. Yeah. Like I'm like the kind of drunk where you just, where you like I need a loan time. I'm gonna get weird. You know, like what does this specific type of booze do that to you? Or is it?

No, it caught me off guard. It hadn't happened in a very long time. What were you drinking? So I started with I ran I worked out last night and then I was like I was like yeah You like I said that in yeah, I worked out and then I had a glass of wine in the pool You had a glass one of the during your shower during my shower. Yeah Yeah, shout out to fit mine I hope we gotta get them to sponsor us because Fitvine is fucking awesome. I think, is that the wine?

Less tannins, by the way, I'm not doing a read for them right now, but I'm really legit drinking Fitvine. I got less tannins, less sugar, it's fucking awesome. I've been drinking a lot of Fitvine lately. Okay, so Fitvine is coming on as a sponsor. Dude! That is a marriage made in heaven because I've been drinking FitBind. So I run four miles, I run four miles, and then I open a bottle of wine, right? Yeah.

And then I walk a mile with a glass of FitBind, getting the pool, I have a little, I'm sure they're like, please don't talk about drinking what. You were exercising, I'm sure they can't. But it's their fit. So, but it creeps up on your fit wine, because I don't think there's as much alcohol, it's like ultra lights.

And that's my sugar? Yeah, not as much sugar, so I'm drinking. Keep going. You're drinking, I wonder what you drink. So you had your wine. Had a wine, made some cauliflower mashed potatoes, have finished the bottle, and then I was like, I don't wanna open the bottle and then I was like,

I don't want to open another bottle, but I'm like fucking feeling it. And so I go into these beers that these hazy IPAs I've had on the tour bus, and man, two beers in, I get weird. Girls are asleep. Yeah, that goody bus, the fun bus. And I start fighting with people,

like going like, I gotta tell you, it's one of my favorite birds is like wanting to get like combative bird. Dude, I got, I had a legit fight with a bunch of people and just like arguing with them. And then I got like, I watched that thing the other day. That was great to watch too, you know?

The thing I asked you to send me, remember I was like, oh, I watched that. That was great, watch too, you know? The thing I asked you to send me, remember I was like, I watched that. That was great, did you watch it? Fucking, didn't that get you fired up? Yeah. I texted one of the guys and said, I can't wait till I get to repay you in life. Yeah, I can't wait till I get to repay you.

Yeah, I'm not even done with it. So it's, yeah. So, and I'm not been obsessed with football life. And so, like, I got, did you keep drinking after those beers? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, I killed all the beers. How many beers? I don't fucking, four, six.

And so, they come in four packs, so I'm probably gonna go into another six. And so, and I just was up and I started texting you guys, and I don't remember texting you guys. but texting you things I was livid about. Like, livid. Yeah, because out of nowhere, I think, Nidav and I, by the way, welcome back. Nidav and I, we had talked about, hey, like, so coming in at this time in the morning, and you're like, yep, see you then.

And then hours go by because that's like eight o'clock midnight at midnight. Just just a text from you. The 72 dolphins were a fluke. And then the next text is Christian, Oh my God. Christian, a coil. I mean, but these have zero context. They're just, you're like, okay, for people that don't follow football, 72 dolphins remain the NFL's only undefeated team. Yeah, and it's horseshit. Okay, it's horseshit.

I was so fucking angry last time watching 100 greatest, right? It's such a great series on NFL. They do a great job. They do a really great job. Shout out to those people at NFL. A football life is maybe my favorite thing to watch. I love a football life. I can watch anyone's.

I don't even know who you are and I'm like Bruce Smith. I know Bruce Smith, but I go tell me about Bruce Smith. I'm in fucking obsessed with Bruce Smith now. I'm about to Bruce Smith Jersey. Bruce Smith is sweeter than the sour sauce, but yeah, he's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope.

He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope.

He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope.

He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. He's dope. The top 10 I think of all pretty much happening in our lifetime And I'm going number who the fuck's number one and they go the 72 dolphins bullshit fucking bullshit By the way Bob Greasy wasn't even their fucking quarterback for half of the season Did you know that? No, I did it was a fucking it was their backup quarterback one 10 games for them Well Bob Greasy wasn't even got hurt like three games in there There no one to sort of speak on their team. Mercury Morris was their fucking running back. There is such a bullshit fucking team. Well, when you compare them to like the fucking

79, uh, uh, fucking Steelers, the Cowboys from the 80s, the fucking 49ers from the 80s, the fucking Bears, the Patriots, it's such a bullshit fucking team. But is your argument though that they're a bullshit team because the league was a lesser league? Is it bullshit league? Passing wasn't what it is today. All you needed is one some, by the way, I'm not shitting on like, I understand they're all fucking heroes and legends and stuff. Well, I think, but isn't the counter arguments or something like that? Because this happens all the time in sports. It's the fun part of discussing sports.

But isn't the counter argument like the argument to what you're saying that like hey man What do you want someone to do but win all the games like they won all the games? Yeah But it was but anyone could have done that then but they did They're the only one. Yeah, but it's just a fluke. It's not it's not it's like going It's like it's like watching someone hit a hole in one and then he, and then everyone else hits onto the green and he goes on the best golfer here. And he goes, well, no, you hit a hole in one.

I got you. It's not, you're not the best golfer here. That's just one hole. And he's like, yeah, but I got the lowest score for this hole and it's a hole in one and that what you wanna do. You're like, no, it's, and then to watch them celebrate it the way they do. Yeah, every year they pop that.

Every year they fucking and and by the way, I'm a huge. But they have like all that brain damage. So they're like, and they pop it into their fucking eyes. Poor Mercury Morris. Every time he's like trying to do those guys are so fucked up. That was back when Helmets was wide on helmets. By the way, the argument that I've heard a lot of people go, what they need to do is go back to like the 30s and 40s

when the guys just were like open face masks and they had let, no they don't. No they don't. That would result in way more catastrophic injuries, man. What do you think the best team ever is? I don't know, because this goes back, like I actually liken this to making the argument about the best, let's say NBA player,

because people go like, you know, the top 10 is like pretty easy to do it. No, but here's my point, because even the players will say this, and I think the older you get, this perspective becomes true, which is like right now, if you talk to somebody who's like, let's say, 21, and you're like, who's the best MB player, like it is normal and natural for them to talk about someone who they've watched

from when they were a little kid, right? And then of course, if you go, you remove yourself one generation, so that would be like us, back we go, Jordan, Jordan is so much better. And, you know, we give all our Jordan stats. Then you go to somebody who's like, you know, whatever, 60 or 70, and they're like, you guys never saw Wil Chamberlain play. And we're like, no, no, I get it. He was awesome. And they're like, no, you don't.

And he was the truth. I don't understand. Like, I don't understand what it was like to watch Muhammad Ali fight. I don't. And here's the truth, I don't understand. I don't understand what it was like to watch Muhammad Ali fight. I don't. I've seen documentaries, I've seen the interviews, I know that he's great, but I never will have the appreciation for his greatness, I never saw it.

I never saw it, man. I was, by the time I was conscious enough to watch things, I mean, he was retired. I mean, so I just hear about his greatness. So I think that like that conversation in sports will always be the same. People will appreciate most what they witnessed life, what they got to see, what they got to digest. And they'll argue to the death. I mean, these LeBron MJ arguments, like they're exhausting and they're fun and they're, you know, it's

I get it. People will compare stats and then they'll go, you know, but there's this element that you can't weigh and it just, you know, it just kind of goes in circles. I don't know that like that you can actually make the argument that it's this team. I mean, like you look at the 85 bears, right? And then- That was greatness in my,

they gave my bears and what was it? The 87 redskins? Yeah. We're like two of the teams that I just were like. The team from Washington, please. Oh, yeah, fuck. Jesus, I just fucking dead name them. Urb, fucking hate grime to them.

Jesus Christ, that's crazy. I didn't even, I just slipped out of my mouth. It hurt me, but will you be our words? The Washington, our words you be R words? The Washington R word. Aren't they the R aren't? Isn't that how you say it? That's what I'm going to start saying. Why don't we petition dance night or you're like we still got time How about the hour words But look I mean how about those 90s that knows 90s cowboys like the there's like then they went three in the 90s

Those seawords from Dallas Yeah, they do they were so dominant to the I mean Emmett Smith Michael Michael Irving, their fucking defensive line was insane. Well, they're offensive line too. They're offensive line was fucking it out. Crazy. They did this football life on the Dallas Cowboys offensive line.

Dude, there was a time, like now it's become standard if you watch Benefit Football that like offensive lineman. I mean, I think they're like peaking what human physiology is capable of. These guys are walking around, you know, six, six and they have a bunch of guys that are 350 and you're just like, I mean, they're just human fucking houses, but they were the,

their team looked different. When you're watching football in the 90s, yeah, those are big guys. And you see the Cowboys offensive line standing up, but you go, fuck. I remember Deon going to that team and then going to San Francisco. But you know, yeah, he went to San Francisco first, right? No, second. That was like, that was also like one of the things you're like, come on.

And then he played it perfectly. Yeah. He wants to. It's interesting. You know, when you talk about, he's pretty good. Deon, yeah, God's amazing. I mean, really just an amazing, just athletic specimen.

Like he could do, I have a feeling he could do everything. I saw Shaquille and Neil and Charles parkly do a bench contest. Did you see this? Have you seen this? Recently? It was probably a while ago. It was definitely a while ago.

What they benched. What weight did they use? Try to guess. They started out at 135. Guess what they ended at and guess who won. And they were just going for ones or? One reps. One rep.

And you don't know, are you gonna tell me it was within the last year or within the last like 10 years? It's been within the last 10 years. Oh. okay. Painting game was there were promoting Painting game with Mark Wahlberg and the Roth. The Roth. 2018.

Oh. Okay. I would definitely guess that Shaq is trying to, now here's, this is why I talk about when it happened. Shaq, like he's also a specimen obviously. But like when he got into, he got in, he got really out of shape. And then he got into working out

and you see him, you're like, holy shit man. Like he's- This is not when he was working out. Okay, I would guess that he's just such a massive powerful human. Throw up on any given day. Oh my God, yeah. What do you think they maxed out at?

And this is one rep. One rep. Jesus, I would think that he could easily do, I mean, for someone, if he doesn't bench all the time, but that's huge as he is, that 315 or something. 405. He did 405? No, Charles Barkley did 405.

Bark. I mean, I'm sitting in the morning. And what is, what is Jack? What was he? He couldn't get 405 off his chest. He got to like three, three 30 or something. That's it. Dude, it was. He show it without playing the game.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the top one. Wow. Look at how small, actually. Hold on, hold on. Look at how small the rock looks between the two of them. Is that the rock? That was the rock. It was? Yeah. Look at how small the rock looks between the two of them. Is that the rock? That was the rock.

It was? Yeah. Look at how small the rock looks. Yeah, wait, the rock is 6'5. What the fuck, I thought Barclay was 6'4. I thought Barclay was 6'2. Look at how tiny the rock is. That's a real picture?

Yeah. Look at how tiny the fucking rock is. Yeah, we'll show you how to drink today. I may have to drink today yeah, we got some beers you want a beer I just want to figure out how the fuck I'm getting home. Yeah, you can have a beer I just have the and drive George out George will take this car, right? Yeah, I got nothing to do today I'll have one towards the end. Okay Okay, look at how fucking small the rock is. I gotta see this, I'm so curious now.

So they're, and they're doing like, and so wait, because honestly, like right now, the Barclays in Way were shaped in that. Right now? Right now, oh yeah, probably. And Shaq is definitely stronger now. So that's, Jack is definitely stronger now. So that's...

Got he's such a huge guy. He really is. What do you think it's like to fuck him? I bet there's gotta be like a real, you gotta submit, like you gotta be like, oh yeah, if you're like, I'm not so sure about this, that's a problem. Hahaha.

Yeah. If you're like, I'm not so sure about this, that's a problem. Hahaha. Hahaha. Yeah. So wait, did we just jump to 225? Yeah, 225. Really? That's 185, 225. 225. 225.

Okay. Look at Chuck, Chuck just throws it up. Easiest fuck. Yeah. 225. Then they go to 305. Right away. Right, look at this.

Three fucking plates. Oh, maybe there's not shit 315 so that's see there's a little struggle there though watch chock watch Chuck 315. Okay Down but that was way easier for him. Yeah, that was easier for him Now we're doing four plates Now we're doing four plates. Four, five. He's like joking around. But now he could not do that. Fuck, and then Barkley.

Let's see. Four, oh five. Struggling, but we got it. Oh, he got it. Wow. Clean. Yo, dude. It's pretty impressive. Four, oh five. I'm sitting there watching this last night going.

It's different specimen man. That's fucking yeah. Not working out, just me and like, I think I could throw up 405. Most people definitely wait like 99% of people, unless you're like training to do that, you don't have that kind of strength. No, remember when we were at, at, um,

Joe's place? Yeah, and we were like, what were we trying to put up 225? 225, yeah. I got it. You got it. Ari and I couldn't get it. Ari struggled with 135.

We're talking about. He struggled with 135. And that was after everyone was drinking and smoking. And then Joe came in like lit. He was smoke and he was like, what are you guys doing? I was like, try and see if we can hit 225. He was like, I got that smoke and he was like, what are you guys doing? I was like, try and see if we can hit 2.25. He was like, I got that shit and started banging.

I think they're like 10 times again. Kong, Kong, Kong, Kong. I'm do, can I tell you what I've been looking for? Hardcore, hold on, I'm not done with this fucking argument about the greatest NFL football team. Oh, I thought you were talking about Shaq fucking you. Go ahead. No, by the way, we were teaching Jesus how to swim.

Yeah. I don't know if I told you this, but he panicked in the water one time and I tried to help him and he just, Jesus is a big dude. But he grabbed me with panic strength. Yeah, that's scary. And my first thought was,

I could not hold him down and fuck him. And then Shane goes, well, he's pretty slippery. He was in the water. And I was like, no, but when you feel someone's panic strength and you go, so like if I was gonna, if I were in prison and I was gonna fuck him and I was like, I'm coming in, I'm gonna fuck Jesus, I couldn't, I really couldn't.

Oh yeah, I could see that being a problem, but imagine Shaq doing that to you. Cool. Or imagine a Shaq shack barkley tag team And they and they make you service one in the mouth at a time while you're doing I do shack definitely yeah Yeah, and just fucking dislocate my jaw like a python Yeah, yeah, and just fucking dislocate my jaw like a python Good his dick. Let me pull up a picture of Shaq's dick. I don't think that's out there. Google it. I bet it is

Shaq penis No She killing Neil's dick? Look at this. Okay, look at that girlfriend he had there. Right there, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think that was like? I mean, you think she's submitted.

She's the size of his leg. Yeah. She's the size of his leg. I wonder, that's an interesting like go go back to like the the actual at like the results of the search, not the image because there wasn't like an article. That first argument was seemingly never ending obsession with Shaq stick. Yeah. Like so there's I think everyone I think I heard him say click it That's a shoe size right

It's pretty wait There's a guy who started an online petition that demands to see Shackstick. I Respect to that guy. I do I respect that guy lot. We all have our hilded island. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think it actually is? Well, I mean, just, just, okay, so if you go, so.

If it's proportionate. It's just super portioned. So I have a regular size dick, like not super big, just regular size dick. Average size. Average size, like six and big just regular size dick average size like six in change seven if I cough and so So what would so like I would say I have a six and a half inch dick right? I'm six Feet one inches so for every foot

I guess I you can't how can you do this? of every foot, I guess I can't, how can you do this? No, you're just saying like just stature wise. A six inch dick is essentially the average, like the American, or whatever world. American male sized dick. Yeah, the average sized dick is about six inches. So if he's a foot taller than the average male's actually six feet, I think he's a full.

Seven one, he's seven one. So a foot taller than me. So you got to add just add an inch for every. He's got it's got it's got to be at least nine inches, right? Oh, oh, oh, it asked. I mean, no, it has to be has to be one of we can find out anyone who knows it. He's killing. Well, there's that one girl that that wrote a book, but she sucked so many decks. You might have got a super head. Yeah. Yeah. She might be like, what did with How can we find out? I was getting into this size.

Hmm. Is that Derek Rose's dick? And she's just like, they're all the NBA players. To know any NBA players. Um, now that would be the way to find out a former teammate. That's how you find out. My buddy's dad coached the magic. When he was on it. Yeah. Oh, he knows. Yeah. Why? Why? I really missed an opportunity to ask him about Shaq's dick band. I asked. I asked the every

NFL player I've met once, once it's not weird. I'm like, so who is the biggest dick? Charles Haley. Don't really. Everyone says Charles Haley. Charles Haley was dick was so big. He'd go up and put it in people's pockets. By the way, hardcore bipolar. A lot of a full life. I've watched a lot of a football life. Do they have that dick? This is the story, isn't it? No, but I heard Charles Haley had a massive dick.

That's what they're talking about right there. And he'd go up and he'd put it in people's pockets. And you'd be sitting there and he'd be sitting next to you and you as dick would be in your pocket Put it that last picture right there. That's what he's talking about too. He's like my dick is big as four of your dicks Put in put in Charles Haley dick pocket Okay, I Wildest peanut Wow, you won't get there. He goes there goes there goes tray Hakeman reveals Charles Haley once will put penis on NFL

These are probably stories Charles Haley doesn't want to share anymore These were fun in the early 90s. Let's see now you're like oh that's sexual assault Charles Haley was one hell of an NFL player. OK, see, he probably used to walk up to teammates and blatantly masturbate right in front of them. He also used to reportedly say things like, you know, you want to suck this to guys like Joe Montana while holding his jump.

Oh, my God. And according to Troy Eggman, there was even one time when Hailey walked up behind fellow NFL player, Matt Milling, and according to Troy Eggman, there was even one time when Hailey walked up behind fellow NFL player, Matt Millen, and placed his penis a million shoulder while he was playing cards. It's a little unclear how, okay. Charles Hailey is a volatile, like unpredictable dude.

That is insane. Just start mad because you realize too that he's such a big nasty player. Like a dangerous guy. He would do that and you have to go like, all right, man. All right, all right. His body, when you watch him walk, he looks like the... Go to the search results again when you typed it in. The top one.

Hit that one, yeah. He, his body, when he walked, it looked like the guy who had the fake legs with the razor. Remember the... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The that guy, Charles Haley's body looks like that. Like he's on his toes, like, he looks like he's ready to sprint.

He was, like that larger. Dude, he was legit, an amazing fucking football player. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, he's a legend. All the famer. Let's see, here's the reputation, his reputation started with his penis, a fire hose of an organ that brought Haley more pride than any game winning tackle. As he grew comfortable in the 49ers locker room, he would stroll up to an unsuspecting teammate, whip out his vallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off, but Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room in the trainers room, he'd wrap his hand around his peanut, turn toward Joe Montana, or John Taylor

and say, you know, you want to suck this, You only wish you had this baby. Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about players' wives. Oh my god. And then it got to the point of ejaculation. What? Yeah. Ha ha ha. Haley was socially awkward and unflinchingly vicious. That's what I'm saying. So when you combine someone's viciousness with blatant, like, aggressive sexual behavior, it is tough to be around. He's been prescribed medication to treat me a mech depression. We take the pills one day, skip the next, expose themselves to reporter for the San Gregory news. He rarely passes up an opportunity to verbally pounce on a team else or teammates shortcomings, an ugly child, a protruding mole, a list.

See, it says he was a great player. His decks are Carter, but there's only so much a man can tolerate. Yeah, he's got a lot of mental problems. It sounds like once he got going, the words flew from his mouth as if they were from a browning 50 caliber machine one. Anyone effeminate was a packet. Oh my god. African American players who became close with the coaching staff were, oh, house and things.

And Uncle Tom's, whites were honky, Hispanic for spics, Jesus Christ. Oh, here's a Haley joke. A joke Haley told with particular, what do a Mexican and a hotel have in common? A mop. Twice is... I don't get it. You're cleaning.

Oh, I thought it was like some... Twice his racial barbers resulted in fights with 49er teammate Jim Burt, a white defensive lineman who decked Haley both times. Wow. Jesus Christ. Dude, this is fantastic. Save this article for me. Charles Haley was fucking savage.

Oh my God, this is insane. Can you imagine being in a meeting and with a guy with a big dick just jerking off? Also, yeah, it's a guy who's like six four and can kill you. I never understood guys who could jerk off, like, I will say to comedians name, but there's a comedian, I was hearing a story about one time and he was, I'll write it down to you.

I was just saying, believe it out. Yeah. Yeah. And so they were all driving to like a gig, and I guess he just jerked off in the back. Yeah. And I was like, I can never understand that. Like I don't have that in my wheelhouse to like,

if I'm gonna masturbate, it's gonna be alone. I don't want anyone to see it. It's some people's thrill though. It's some people's thrill. I mean, all those things become some people's like excitement, you know? I don't know. I'm with you.

I've heard about like public masturbation things where I'm just like, I I mean I'm the same way I'd be like I don't think anything would be more mortifying for me to do so yeah I'm never it doesn't get me excited. It doesn't get me excited That's what the weird part of what what is crazy is it's some people's thrills It's what turns people on and then you start the the world has gotten into such a pure tanical kind of like will make the rules We'll cancel everyone who isn't, doesn't follow by the rules.

These are the rules. You cannot be turned on by, you know what's so funny? It's fucking a little bit of mental gymnastics. I don't want anyone thinking I'm trying to say something I'm not about certain people, but like, I can't look at, when on Pornhub, when it says you'll like be scrolling and it'll say hot teen. I fucking scroll past it immediately. I'm like I can't get on to that. I think because I have two teenagers in my house.

That's proud of one of the reasons. But but but here's what's crazy is that you go. There are people that that they're that's illegal, right? Under 18. Yeah. That's illegal, right? Under 18, yeah. Yeah, and then they put that out there like going, hey, teenager, high school girl, and you're, but they're putting that out there, they need to scrub that from the fucking internet first.

Well, I think what they're trying to do is dance with taboo and like, you know, people know, like obviously there's an illegal age and then, but there's also like other taboo things that get people going. Like, somebody I forget who works in that business told me that like, they said, at least according to them, that like one of the biggest, most popular taboo,

like topic subject lines, is like, incest stuff. So it's like, not like incest stuff. So it's like not but not not real incest Yeah, yeah, like like but the the premise of the video will be like you know, it's Father daughter or brother sister or like that. How can someone get into that? I mean that but for bed and I don't know when do you think that's gonna happen where they start going through on our on our videos that we've We've jerked off to and they start posting them online. Would you be comfortable with that? I would it would be a nightmare for me Because I've seen a lot of bad things and they all make me come me come. No, I would not want my searches. I've seen a lot of bad things and they all make me come. And they all make me come. That's not good. Oh, wait, I wonder, I wonder what, let's just, I'm gonna just pull up one of my porn hub searches.

Okay. I'm a Charles Haley, if it's good. Let's see what it is. I'll just type in PO. This is the first thing that came up. I'm not gonna be, whoa. Dude, new bio films puts out good shit. What do they do?

New bio, it's just tasteful porn. Oh. It's like, it's, but it's tasteful. Like a pie product. By the way, new bio, I think new bio means young, but it's not, it's not young. It's like regular age women. There's a fucking girl on there.

They just, it's like tasteful like, like a shot well. It's like shotin' for a day. I like the one right below it. That looks very beautiful too. Up close, asshole worship. Nice. This, it doesn't show out what I, what I, what I, I was looking for something in the past.

Wonder if I got something in here. Go ahead. Here we go, pour in the past. Wonder if I got something in here. Go ahead. Here we go. Pornhub Premium. You subscribe? No. I'm just seeing if this isn't. God dammit.

And I'll subscribe to anything. I was doing fans only for a couple porn stars. I stopped. Only fans? Only fans. Yeah. Saying it like Robert Paul Champagne. Bands only.

Yeah. Bands only. Bands only. Yeah. Yeah. That's a poor guy. Yeah. Wait, why'd you stop? I just, I don't know. I've been out of porn lately. Yeah.

I've never done that either. I except for, except for we, we signed up in the office for Roberts to support him. Yeah, I, I, I haven't really jerked off in a while. I'm proud of you, man. Uh. I gotta tell you, I did once. Yeah, like a week ago, but then I haven't been jerking off a lot.

Yeah, usually my stuff is more, um, on the road I jerk off more. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was jerking off in the tour bus every morning. I kind of look forward to it. Like when I, like when the show's over, we have dinner. I'm like, I would love to have my nightcap and jerk off and go to bed.

You know it's crazy. I used to have this joke that no one understood because I guess no one jerks off the way comics do on the road. Yeah. I was like, do you ever get that feeling where you're like, you're getting the elevator of your hotel and you're like, ooh, I haven't jerked off today. I'm gonna treat come of my way.

Yeah. Yeah. And then, like, everyone else would be like, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, that's the opposite of that feeling is getting in the hotel and go, oh, I've already jerked off today. Yeah.

I'm taking my treat away from me. Sometimes you're like, it's a little hard to get this one out and then it hits you. You're like, oh, yeah, this is my third of the day. I think of one time in, I went through a run recently, not recently, but like within the past,

where I jerked off, I think I jerked off three times. I was on the road, I jerked off three times in a day. Yeah. I go back to one time in Brazil, where I was, I was hung over and I was like, all right, I gotta jerk off off, I'm going to work because I need to like fill up my serotonin.

And I remember being sweating in a no air conditioning in the hotel in the bathroom just trying to jerk off and I couldn't. Yeah. And I was just like, and I'll send them like, my above my shirt's about to be through the roof right now. Like I might have a stroke doing this. I've had those. I've had those where I'm like, my above-usures might have you through the roof right now. Like, I might have a stroke doing this. I've had those.

I've had those where I'm like, what's going on? And I'm like, just fucking like, and I can't focus on the thought, like the sexual thought that I want to have to make it happen. And like, I'm like, God damn it. And then you're just like, man, I've been tugging on this thing for a minute.

And I'm breathing hard, and it's not getting there. And then I, if you're just like, man, I've been tugging on this thing for a minute. And I'm breathing hard and it's not getting there. And then I like, if you see a mirror, you're like, you really need to get your life to get there. It's a really pathetic feeling. So feel like you can't fucking, I try to trick off on flights where I'm like, I got a stop there. Oh my, oh my, on a flight. Yeah, I've tried it and I couldn't do it.

It just did in the bathroom? No, just in the fucking aisle. Yeah, I've been like, I don't know, pent up. I've thought about during the night. I'm on flights and I never can get myself there. I could even get like three quarters. I was like, I'm gonna go jerk off in the bathroom. And then I'll go to the bathroom.

I'll lock it and I'll go jerk off in the bathroom. And then I'll go to the bathroom, I'll lock it, and I'll just be like too panicked. And then, you know, so someone might check the door, and I'm like, hold on, I'm like, do you realize how canceled you get if you forgot to lock the door, and you were jerking off in a flight? Oh my God.

And someone opened the door. I think there's a part of like, people think of men jerking off as like a pervert act as opposed to maintenance. Yes. Only men, other men understand. Like women will never fully comprehend what it is to be like backed up. And like, you're like, like, not, you can be agitated and not thinking clearly. All those things and you just need to bust one out.

And then you're like, yeah, I don't think, I think some women actually do get it. Like I think some of them go like, oh, they've been, for some reason they comprehend it enough, but a lot of them I don't think will ever understand it. Leanne one time, I'm trying to remember how this worked out, but like I wanted to have said, I come home off the road, I wanted to have sex, and she was like, it's not going to happen this morning when you get back, so you may need to take care of yourself so

you can deal. Yeah. And I was like, oh yeah, that's a good call. And I jerked off and I was totally fine to be around But if I hadn't jerked off the whole time I'd be thinking and that sounds like I think it's it's what it goes back to this Puritanical world that we're living in where it's like The cancel culture is writing the rules of how you need to behave so if you behave Carl say a wrong thing

Fucking Nick Hammond. Yeah, you know, what's crazy? What do you say? I watched it four times and I was like, it was so crazy that I couldn't really get through it. I, it was lots of talk like talking in, like, yeah, I heard him say something like, like that we are the true, like that what, why people are the actual savages and animals of the world, which are the true, like that what, why people are the actual savages and animals of the world, which by the way, I consider that not only to be factual, but sort of, but,

I mean, I can see from his perspective, where you would see that why people have done some absolute horrific thing. Yeah, but there's a thing, so I heard that part and he was like, you know, like I heard him say like black people, you know, the melanin and then we actually have, they have soul, that's why they're soul, I heard that part and he was like, you know, like I heard him say like black people, you know, the melanin and then we actually have, they have soul, that's why they're soul, bruh.

I saw, I heard that. Some of it just, that didn't, that didn't, that wasn't. That wasn't. That wasn't, that wasn't. That wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't. That wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't. That wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn, that wasn't, that wasn, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn, that wasn't, historically. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not historically. If you want to look at, like,

I'm not coming from an emotional place saying this, you want to just like study history and you look at what like, traditionally white, you know, nations have done, they conquered and brutalized and so, like, I don't, I don't, I'm not personally

offended. How about this? Yeah, how about this? There's been a lot of brutality. I was reading this book about the Portuguese settlers that who came down and kind of like, I'll tell you the name of the book so you can, but like the fucking savage read that happened in the past, they were telling the story of,

I'm reading a book about breathing right now That's a good one breast down to the pull up pull up what I didn't I haven't actually it's called conquerors how the Portuguese How the port how Portugal it's called conquerors dude these fucking dudes were going in they go in and they'd say to a These fucking dudes were going in, they go in and they'd say to a tribal leader, like usually Muslim. And they, or I think, I think they're Muslim, they'd be like, said to one guy, hey, we're coming to your city, come out to the boat to greet us, the Portuguese. And the guy was like, I'm actually not feeling that well.

And they're like, okay, we're just going to kill you and your entire family then to teach everyone a fucking lesson. And then they took one guy and they gave, and they fucking tied him up on the boat, right? Muslim dude shoved bacon down his throat and then shit in his mouth and beat him and then let him go. And they're like, that's how, just you know, that's how we roll.

So when we come by next time, have everything ready for us. And he's like, I'm currently, totally well. There's a big shit in his fucking mouth. Dude, the Spaniards are like, there's, does it not strike you as curious why they speak Spanish

3000 miles from where Spanish is spoken? Like, it's not an accident. Like, they are, they're like, it's not beautiful. Like, it's not an accident. Like, they are, they're like soundtracks. Like, they came here, that it's fucking murdered millions of people. Millions. They used to cut the native hands and feets off for fun.

They would slit the throats. They would kill the babies. They would do horrific things. All this is to say, wait, first of all, that I think saying that historically speaking, whites are evil is not inaccurate. But, I mean, it's not. There's, look at who's conquered all these, you know.

It's just, it's not coming from a place of where we are today, where we're in white and chill. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, you, you, I, definitely when you have a platform as big as Nick Cannon's, you should maybe think twice about who you have on your podcast. He had Professor Griff. I kicked out of public enemy.

They had public enemy. They kept flavor-flavin' and kicked, how what fucking crazy shit do you have to be saying in a public enemy meeting that they're like, Hey man, you got a fucking go. The guy with a clock that fucking Bridgete Nielsen who's been doing crack aggressively, allegedly, allegedly. Yeah.

Wait, here's what I wanted to say. So all this goes back to, I don't know what the, because I saw all these things about him being anti-Semitic. I want to know what he says. So it says here in quotes, a find myself wanting to debate this idea and he gets real wishing- Oh, this is much, I didn't see this. And it gets real wishing and washing. Oh, this is my side.

I didn't see this. And it's unclear for me when we give so much power to the, to the Vays. And the Vays turn into Illuminati, the Zionist, the Rothschilds, Mr. Candace, and later into the podcast. He also echoed Mr. Griffin's remarks about how black people are Semitic people by definition

and that Semitic people are not white. You can't be anti-Semitic when we are the Semitic people by definition and that Semitic people are not white. You can't be anti-Semitic when we are the Semitic people, Mr. Cannon said. That's our birthright. So if that's truly our birthright, there's no hate involved. I mean, this is kind of a semantics combined with conspiracy theory. So basically, maybe they have fired them for being dumb. So basically, maybe they have fired him for being dumb. Like, anyone who's, I believe anyone who's racist is dumb. Right. I think that is the, I mean, that's what he's saying, that was nonsense.

It really is not, I like I said, I watched it four times and I couldn't get through it because I was like, I was like, none of this makes sense. Like, it really seems like, I would say Mr. Cannon, you're right and that why people are evil. But, you are not correct in your Illuminati Rothschilds. I don't even know what Rothschilds,

and I don't know what it is. It's like old, that's old, basically, Jewish conspiracy theory bullshit, the people are like, you know, they're controlling everything from behind. Well, Stinks, as I just wanted to get us on Wild and Out, and now that's done. Yeah, we can start our own. Now, I want some Wild and Out.

Let me tell you something. There's some blind spots with racism on that show. Oh, really? Ha, ha, ha, ha. The poor fucking Asian kid gets it so bad. They like, everything's, everything's an old Asian joke The poor fucking Asian kid gets it so bad. They like everything's up everything's an old Asian joke where like at one point I think Nick Cannon says to the Asian kid, I, something you be kicking out get back and fucking make

me my kung-pow chicken and the poor Asian kids like, I mean this is national TV can you dream like a human? Yeah also like you guys. I mean you're my boss. This is like, how many episodes have we done? We've run through the whole menu. I mean, we've done general sales. We've done the fucking kimchi.

Like, let's come up with some new stuff, man. It's interesting. It's an interesting assessment for cancel culture because he gets fired from Viacom, right? Yeah. And so, he loses legit money. You know he's getting fired from the mask and from the America's Got Talent.

Oh yeah, yeah. You can't have him on. No. You know, and so, what are you looking for? Shared it, fucking opened. What is it? This was for you. Is it cocaine?

Yeah. Are we doing cocaine today? I could definitely do a bumper coke. Oh man, it's like fucking six grand on the floor right now. Is that really coke? Someone's gonna snort that off the ground. We're not like living that go. That's sugar. I know. Is that how much sugar I take in my...

In a week of a gallon a day cool idea. That's not that bad. In a week? Spread that out for a week? I guess. It's not that bad. So wait, let's talk about cancel culture because this is what's interesting to this. Is my trainer made that by the way.

You train or put that thing in. He listened to the show and he was like, his beard really drinking that much. Cool. I've been kind of going on for a little bit. He was pretty serious and I was like, I go, yeah, he was like, dude, the sugar intake on that. And I was like, that's what I thought.

And then I was like, but he's not drinking like the full, he's drinking the low calorie. 10, 5, 5 calories, 10 calories, whatever. Number five, number 10. And then, well, he pulled up a thing that it said, it said, I don't know which one you're actually have. So it said like 25 grams per serving or something like that. So he was like, he came over, he was like, this is how much sugar that is. And I was like, oh is how much sugar that is. And I was like, oh, give it to Bert. Well, this isn't bad. Yeah, well, that seems like a lot of sugar.

Some fell out on the ground. Like actually a lot. Oh, what? Yeah. Yeah. That does seem like a lot of sugar just to be going like, aw. Yeah, yeah.

So he gets fired from Viacom, right? Yeah. Which is basically, I think he just has wilding out with Viacom. I don't know. He has a lot of things going on. But you know, he's probably gonna get fired from the mask and I'll tell you this much.

Does Viacom own Fox? No. No Disney or Fox? Viacom is CBS. Yeah, so he's gonna get fired from his, he's gonna have to make like a legit apology. But he will not. Yeah, he made statements that he was just like,

like see, I'm an advocate for people to be heard and about anti-racism, blah, blah, blah. When you look at the media, other sectors of our nation's history, African-Americans, the people that Jewish community have partnered to create one of the best. Man, why do black people hate Jewish people that much? Like, it seems like a lot of people,

a lot of it's coming up on when you're going online. I think he's parroting a lot of... Why does anyone fucking hate anyone? There's no, like, good question. I mean, so silly that like, he's parroting a lot of Farrakhan stuff, I think. Everyone's quoting Farrican these days. Yeah.

Everyone is quoting Farrican. You might wanna check those quotes before you repeat them. Because he's a really eloquent and elegant public speaker, you know? And like he can, he can or like seduce anybody with, like he's an amazing speaker, but he will also drop things in that you might not fully understand until you study it.

Yeah, like he can talk circles around anyone. If Blue's Faircom wanted to be on to version one cable, you let him. I'd be like, I don't think we should. And then if he got on the phone, I'd be like, I'll see you at seven. I'd be like, yeah, he's like that type of speaker. But what's interesting is,, I went on Twitter last night

and a lot of people, a lot of people had Nick Cannon's back and we're like, he's just speaking the truth. Oh, like an abnormal amount of people. And I was like, well, but then, but then you get like legit level, how did people going like, hey guys, I don't know if I can say qualify that what he said is, I mean, it's racist statements,

but he doesn't sound like a racist, does that make sense? Yeah, but I think what's happening when, and this happens just in life and conversations, it's like part of your statement might be worthwhile and not offensive or not untrue. And then the next part of what you say becomes the problem. You know what I mean? So it's like, you go, that thing you said was horrible.

And he's like, well, these points were legit. And you go, okay, oh yeah, yeah, up until there. But then when you added this, it kind of takes everything away. And I think that's kind of what happened there. Like, this is why you shouldn't read books. Tell me about that. Tell me about that. Because what happens is you read a book like, I'm sure Nick Cannon did. He's got a PhD at fucking Howard. He does? He's going for his PhD. I did a lot of research on Nick Cannon last night. Whoever is PhD? He's going for his PhD at Howard. He went to Howard. He was a, you know, we were in a deal with Will Smith at same time. I feel like Tether to Nick Cannon last night. Do you remember his PhD? He's going for his PhD at Howard. He went to Howard. He was a, you know, we were in a deal with Will Smith

at the same time. I feel like Tether to Nick Cannon in a weird way because we were in a deal at Overbrook at the exact same time he was developing a sitcom for Nick. You guys were kind of in an entanglement together. We were a little, I do not get me started. I'm so fucking angry with that fucking red table. I do not like the way they did Will.

That's bullshit. That was uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable and it's fucking taking down. It's taking down to a good deal. I've set it all on. I'm a good deal. But like the, I love that he actually, which was like, I found myself in this entanglement

and he was finally like entanglement. Yeah. He's like, relationship. And she was like, yeah, however you want to say. It's like, wait a minute. No one uses the word entanglement. Yeah. it's like relationship and she's like, yeah, however you want to say it's like, wait man, no one uses the word entanglement. Yeah. What are you talking about? I hate when people soften language to diminish their accountability. You know what I mean? Yeah, like I went into this bar and I got into a bit of a, I got into a disagreement.

Like, what happened? Well, I broke this guy's jaw. And you're like, well, you mean you punched someone? Yeah. Why'd you say disagreement? So that I could diminish my accountability as to what I did. And that's exactly what she's doing.

I bought that bother me watching that. I was like, I was like, why? As his, this is my perspective. As his life partner that Jada is and they have a business together. I thought you were about to say that you were his life partner. No. Okay. I really did. I thought you're about as a as his life partner. As his life partner is Jada suggests that she is.

Uh huh. And they have a team together. Yeah. It's an interesting world they built. Um, you, you, you could never flip that. You could never have him take her down the way she took him down. She took him down. Like she, she made him bend at the knee and go in front of everybody. And then, and then by the way, he's a, he's a movie star. Now, all, all anyone's gonna see everything. Donnell said, you don't ever want to be a meme. All anyone sees now is that they don't remember her face, that face. They don't ever wanna be a meme. All anyone sees now is that, they don't remember- That face?

That face, they don't remember the fresh prints about layer, the fucking, like the fresh prints, all those fucking movies, Independence Day, fucking happiness or whatever the other one was, all they see is that fucking face. How the fuck, you're taking him down and- Why, we talked about, like, why would you feel the need to broadcast that? As opposed to just being like,

hey, we don't have to fucking, we don't have to tell everyone everything. No, why? I don't understand that, you know, can I tell you my theory on why? Yeah. It goes back to what, do you remember when the celebrities did,

that like I hold myself accountable and fucking What was their thing I take responsibility and Jesse Chris Jesse from fucking breaking that I take That thing like we're like a thing That thing like we were like, I'm saying. So, wait, can you play it?

I wanna see it real quick. I'm not that guy. He's such a cool dude. But man, he fucking, he's so nice. He went at hard air and pole. Air and pole. Woo. He really took it with him.

Yeah. I dig his responsibility. Oh, yeah, he did it. I wish I could get there. See, that's what, can I, hit pause, hit pause. When I, when I said, Tom, when I said I'd love me when I'm drunk, yeah, it's because I go there.

That place in, I go there. Super sincere and like, but it's like, it's so mockable. Yeah. Like it's so, like, I was explaining to someone, I was working on a project and I was explaining to someone They're like, are you being serious? And I go, yeah, and they're like, hold on, I go, hold on. When I'm serious, it's funnier than when I'm trying to be funny. Like, when I'm serious, it is so, you can make fun of it so quickly.

Yes. It is as enjoyable, if not more enjoyable, than when I'm trying to be funny. I totally agree. And so when I get drunk, I go there. So when I go fucking 72 dolphins, if you had been in the room with me, you would have been crying laughing. I bet I would have.

Because there needs to be a name for that. When you go full fucking, go, I just wanna see him. Shout out to Aaron Paul, by the way. Yeah, wait, let's see this one. I'll kinda put my headsets on. I just wanna hear him. This is, I know that people have already...

Take responsibility. Who's that? By the way? That's a... Paulson? That lady. Yeah. Paulson, Sarah Paulson? Sarah Paulson.

Is she a senator or something? She's an actress. And what? She's been She a Senator or something. She's an actress. And what? She's been in a bunch of things. Never heard of her. I'm a horror story. She's really never heard. Never heard of American horror story. Okay. Responsibility. I take responsibility. Oh my god. Oh my god. His gets more intense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go to his. His gets way more intense. We can we slice ourselves into it? Responsibility.

Oh, that's been done. I take responsibility. Who are these fucking people? They're all at a checked moment. For every time it was easy. I know her. Yeah, of course. Shout out to, hey, hit on hip-hawters again.

Shout out to Jack Shepherd. I think I shit on him one time. Someone text me and I was like, I like Jack Shepherd. Jack, that shit on him one time. I don't know, but this is like that sincere thing you're talking about that it's even funnier. Hey, I wanna say this to Jack Shepard. Ah-ha!

I'm gonna fucking go full Paulson. Okay, do it. But I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can, I can't, I can't, video For what it was every not so funny. Oh, fuck is this he's an actor who in what? I'm fair stereo time. I know every blatant injustice fucker. Hey, what are you talking about? Every who are these fucking people? That was Debra Messing Debra Messing. Oh, Dylan Grace, right? Do you see a doobloss brother? Huh? Who? This is a doobloss brother mark do-ploss? Oh, I know who that is. I don't know.

I don't know. I know he is. He's friends with Steve Rennes easy. Yeah, he's a really talented guy. Is he? Yes. I'm a reverse. Hang on, hang on, you said that like you're a big fan of his.

What's he done? The do-ploss brothers have, are there also like writer, like their creators too? So they, they, they, they, they, they, no. But their directors, writers writers anything we've seen is it better than Palm Springs shut out to Andy Sandberg Palm Springs is Fucking awesome. What's that? Oh my god Palm Springs is fucking awesome town No, Andy Sandberg's new movie Palm Springs. Where is it? It is so fucking good. You gotta watch it. It's on Hulu. It is Tom. It's- What kind of movie is it?

Time travel. Comedy. Comedy, time travel. Dark comedy, time travel. Dark comedy are like ridiculous over the top. Dark comedy. Yeah, dark comedy. I watched it with the girls in the first opening scene. He's like jerking off in front of it.

And my daughter's like, Dad, and I was like, close your eyes. Close your eyes. And that's the only dirty part. I love that you do you wanna know what my fucking four year old's into right now? What? He's, you leave that up by the way.

I wanna go back to that. He's into fucking wildlife, like kills. So he's like, I wanna see a snake eat a rabbit. And I'm like, okay, and then I'll start to play. I'm like, I'm like, this is pretty intense man. And you're four, he's like, I like it.

And I go, you like watching this rabbit get strangled the death by a snake and then eaten, he's like, yeah. And then I press play and I'm like, I'm kind of hesitating. He's like, he's like, show me a snake eating a pig. And I'm like, and then I started eating a pig and I'm like And then I started to play that and I go dude look at that thing he goes. Yeah Hey, when's preschool start? I'm like holy shit, man. I go this isn't scaring me. He goes no, I like it So we just sit there and watch snakes fucking eating things man. It's really kind of makes me uncomfortable

That's fucking you need to get him a snake. No. I know what I'm getting in first birthday. Okay, look at the way Aaron's looking at us. Right. I feel like he's chastising me for letting my son watch those videos. I feel like he's chastising me for letting my son watch those videos. Oh. Who's this? Killer cops must be prosecuted. They are murderers. We can turn the tide.

It is time to take responsibility. Call out hate, step up, and take action. Wow. All right. Does he talking about Nick Cannon? take action. Wow. All right. Does he talking about Nick Cannon? We need to stamp out a take action.

I think you might be right. Oh, that is, I can't believe those people are famous. I've never seen any of them. This goes. I've never seen any of them. This goes I've never seen any of them This goes to my point hang on he's had I'm not shit on it. I'm Paul. I got I'm gonna forget if I don't he's been on one TV show, right? Are you gonna be breaking back breaking back? I mean, yeah, I'm sure he's been done more than that, but that's the most famous, okay? So like what's the threshold for fucking

Fame these days I Okay. So like, what's the threshold for fucking fame these days? I gotta be more famous than fucking 80% of those people on there. Pull them up, pull them up. But I guarantee you I am. I guarantee you I am more famous. I guarantee you I bet I'm more famous than Aaron Paul. No, let's see.

Okay, let's see. Go to Google's Trends. Google Trends, see if I'm more famous in Aaron Paul, okay What you think do you think Aaron Paul's not? Right now not in history. Oh right now right now type in bird christian B. R T K R E I C H R American comedian American stand-up comedian. Okay, that's this year type in American comedian, American standup comedian. Okay, that's this year, type in, go hang on, go, go, go to, under past 12 months to the left,

go to total, 2004 to present. Okay, now type in Aaron Paul. I wanna, wait for this. Wait for this. I wanna wait for this. Oh, I don't like it. Oh my god. He fucking destroys me. I don't even I'm not even a blip on his radar. It's all red On that map, but holy fuck if you zoom in on

The current like exactly right now right now. I'm Right now I'm more right now. am, yeah, but he destroys me. All time, because he's on the biggest fucking show ball. Was it big? Breaking bad. I never watched Breaking Bad. You've never seen it? No, type in, let's go, hey, name it,

what's the other ladies name? The type in Sarah Polson, I fucking destroy her. Okay. Celebrity golf match. You do this on your own all the time, don't you? I do this a lot. Destroy Sarah Polson. Type in Duplos, brothers.

Type in Duplos. Yeah, type in Duplos. Duplos? Yeah. Mark or David, whatever, which one? Mark Duploss. Do-ploss? Yeah. Mark or David, whatever, which one? Mark Do-ploss? Destroy Mark Do-ploss? I mean, I fucking, I am beating his dick

in the dirt right now, okay? Okay, Taipei, whatever, what are the other names? Debra Messing-A. Messing-A? Mark Messing, Debra Messing. I'm not gonna beat Debra Messing. Will and Grace is so fucking big. There's no way I'm even holding a candle Deborah messing. Let's see

Destroy Deborah messing I don't leave it there leave it in the Miss felling That's her When let's this year Oh, that's no, that's at the peak. That's September 2019. Oh, wow. She had a big oh That's the show came back. Yeah, and she probably got in trouble for saying something But Jesus look at Aaron Paul and breaking bad was on by the way by the way spike is that's really big Yeah, holy shit dude. I've been crystal clear

His is spike is gonna be fucking massive. You wanna see what fame is? Not fame, but. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Now this is the difference between... whew. That's cancel culture. Holy shit. Look at that.

Type in, you wanna see like, fuck. I know. Go, can you change the, um, the period? Like you make it a shorter period? And that's Chris? Yeah. Fuckin' A, man.

Look at the purples, all the states that are Googling him. But yeah, you know what? I got Chris in, uh, North Dakota. What's Idaho? Is that? Oh yeah, it looks like North Dakota. Oh's Idaho? Is that? Oh yeah. It looks like North Dakota. Oh, maybe you're right.

You're right. No, it's that whoever's red, Aaron Paul's got Idaho. Jesus Christ. That is crazy, man. Is there an actual number that you associate that spike with? Like, is there an actual number that you see or no? No. No.

It's crazy because, like I guarantee you type in Nick Cannon, I guarantee you he's probably as high, if not higher than Dilea right now because of cancel culture. Let's see. No. Which one's Nick? It's green, but that's's what did he do then?

What's crazy is you can go look at that date and then go put it in Google and it'll tell you what happened around the time. Yeah, oh Nick Cannon's fucking Just gonna go higher. He's really killing by the way hang on. That's this was not depressing on whatever I whatever side you're on, I don't really care about the sides right now, but like, what sucks is like Nick Cannon was doing good fucking work. Those are all without controversy. That's just him working and creating.

And then controversy comes and it's gonna be just an uphill battle now. Yeah. I gotta tell you my theory though. Let me hear it. So, the theory was proposed when that video, when the actors did the eye take responsibility. Yeah.

Oh fuck are they doing? And I think it might have been Joe that said, it might have been Joe that said, they're not working. So the, it's like a variation, there is a sincerity to it, but it's still like, I haven't done anything, I'm not acting anymore, right? Like you're done with that.

I think that that holds true to why if you were J.D.P. and get Smith and Will Smith, and you go like, hey, do we want to talk about this? Yes. And publicly. And you're not doing anything. Like you're not acting, you're not producing, you're not making a project, and you haven't been.

You haven't been March, April, May, June. Also in July comes around, it's like, hey, do you wanna talk about that thing? And it's like, you mean, if they had, if she was like on a show that was here right now, he was wrapping up a movie about to do a press story, he's like, let's go on red table talk and talk about that.

Not a fucking chance. No, it's that there's nothing going on story. It's like, let's go on red table talk and talk about that. Not a fucking chance. No, it's that there's nothing going on. And you're like, you know what? And then in six months, when they go, why did we do that? They're gonna have to be like, cause we were bored. As soon as we decided to air like our personal shit.

I think it's crazy. Well, it's this, you know, I've always said I look at like celebrities that tweet virtue signaling stuff and get the likes and the re tweets. It's I don't I mean, I guess it's it's what they believe or whatever, but people that tweet out like in the moment stuff and I go it's just they just don't have any content to create. They don't have no how to make it. Some, yeah, yeah. And so they know that this is a way to stay relevant

and in the eye and be faint. Like a lot of people just want to be famous. The only thing that I would say though, to speak to that, is that you can feel away about a topic sincerely. Yeah. And then people just go, oh, you're virtually, like, well, what if it's something

you actually do care about? It's like when people go, like, like when people just tweet out, um, uh, is anyone gonna acknowledge that we have an absolute lunatic running this country, like on a Tuesday. And you're like, we, yeah, we're all in the same boat. We know what you're thinking. Yeah. But you're saying this in a way where you're like,

you just want the likes and I get it. Yeah. But that's what you want the acknowledgement in the fact that you're saying. They don't know how to make content. Right. And that's what I, not, I'm not, but like, I'm not shitting on any of those people.

And I'm joking when I go out, I bet I'm more famous than Deborah Messing or whatever. But like, Deborah Messing is really one of those people that tweets every day politics. Yeah, there's some people that think that that's their lane. They're like, I'm using my platform to oh someone said someone said I heard someone say. Uh, I wish I could credit. I'm going to do say this and then someone's going to go, I said it, please give me credit

that this is what happens when a women age out of Hollywood is they just start getting political? Oh yeah. Is that they're like, I'm no longer, they're not Googling me for me in a bikini anymore. Yeah. Now they wanna, I need to Google me. How far, I'm sure I heard it on a podcast. Yeah.

But it's an interesting theory, but I always look at like, why not just make, make something, like like make content like do a podcast is great But like you know the end did a podcast with George and I live it She's she's like you really need to listen to it. Your daughters are really unhappy with you And I'm like, why would you put that on a podcast? She's like, well no, I think it's it's an interesting conversation that we had and I was like I don't why are you telling everyone that? Yeah, they're like well the fact that you're always in speedos the girls hate it. I'm like hey Don't put that out there.

Like, I'm not gonna stop wearing speedos. And now if I'm in a speedo and I put it on fucking line, everyone has this backstory of how that makes the girls feel upset. And they're like, well, it's like the picture of you naked that you have in your man cave. The girls hate that picture. And I was like, it's in my fucking mitt, like,

you're the eccentric dad, dude. Yeah, I go, I'm sorry, I'm broken. I'm not like the perfect dad but like and they're like and they're like and they're like you know on the ride here we're talking about fucking cars so I said you know we got the one car that we have now and and I'll just say it's a BMW it's a nice nice car but it's not like the most expensive BMW you can get but it's an BMW. It's a nice car, but it's not like the most expensive BMW you can get, but it's an expensive BMW, in my opinion. Yeah. Yeah. And so I said, Leanne wants a new car and this lease is coming up. And I said, they say she goes, we're getting a good deal on this BMW. And I, why don't we just buy it outright? Because we know it's

a good car. We barely drove it. And we're going to get a good deal on it because of what's going on with the pandemic. They said they'll give us a good deal. Let's just get to BMW and I said, well let's just get that to Georgia and she goes, Georgia doesn't want that car. And I was like, how do we give a fuck what she wants? It's a great fucking car. She goes, no, Georgia doesn't want to look like a rich kid.

I go, she's not a rich kid. She goes, no, if she drives that car, then she's a spoiled rich kid. She doesn't want to look like that. I was like, I wanted to look like that my whole fucking life. Yep. Like I always wanted to look like I'm with that money growing up. Yeah.

Like we could have things, but we couldn't. I didn't get like the car. I wanted I got a car, the drove. And I would look at the kids who got all the nice shit and be like, God, I would love to be that kid. I kind of get it though, because I do remember going to school and you would, there was like a handful of kids that got like, you know, not exotics,

but like luxury cars and you were like, what the fuck? Right, because they're like 16 and they're in these like $80,000 and you're like, that's insane. I mean, I'm saying, I understand that both perspectives, one that you would be like, it's the car that I'm giving you and you're driving it that's insane. I mean, I'm saying, I understand that both perspectives, one that you would be like, it's the car that I'm giving you and you're driving it.

I totally get that. So you want me to go out and buy a new, so in suppose of the, as opposed to the car that we have, you want me to go out and buy, and then I'm like, so Liam wants a new car. We have this car, we're gonna buy this car. We have the other car that we own, and then I'm gonna go and buy,

so as opposed to being, it's just none of it made fucking sense, and she because we talk about it on the podcast. I go don't that's like like don't What are podcasts that she talking about fucking to on her's wife of the party and I'm like part of me He's like I haven't listened to it so I'm sure I'm making it worse than it is makes me want to listen to it Uh-huh and but I'm like I'm like and you know the girls in that format when they're the microphone in front of you I'm like, and you know the girls in that format when they're the microphone in front of you, they may be speaking and hyperbole just to make their dad. Like their dad.

And she's like, you know, I love one time, she doesn't like that. She doesn't like me being famous or not famous, but known because it makes her uncomfortable that people know who she is, that she doesn't know them. She goes, it always feels like people are coming at me from a weird angle, because.

But it's a valid feeling. It's a valid feeling, and I was like, yeah, well, keep your mouth shut, because it pays the bills. Like, I'm gonna tell you. They're gonna be in so much therapy. I know. I'm fucking, you have such a bad parent. Like, I look at you and Bill and Joe where you guys had it

So you guys are so lucky because you're doing it when you want to do it like not say I didn't want to be a dad, but I wanted a career More like I like I couldn't I couldn't just sit like when we the other day We're face time and you're playing and they're throwing rocks in the back. Yeah, I'm being patient. Yeah I would never have been patient. I would have been like, hey, fucking stop! Like, I do that too. I mean, everybody has their breaking points on different days. I couldn't enjoy sitting with the girl, I've got a shit, I almost shit my pants right there. I couldn't enjoy sitting with the girls on like a Tuesday afternoon and reading a book.

And we're going to the park because I felt like I wasn't working. Like all I could see was the glaring truth that I was not working and I was not providing for this family. I totally understand that because we had conversations about kids all in that time. And we were just like, how could we do it though? We can't do it, you know, because we couldn't afford to do it.

Yeah, and we just did it when we couldn't afford to do it. And I know, I remember here in Adam Crowell one time say, it's irresponsible to have children if you live in apartment. And I was living in an apartment at the time. Well, that's not true though. He by, it's not irresponsible to, that's what he said. By the way, I'm not shitting on him, probably he's just fine.

No, I know, I'm not shitting on him, probably. He's just fine. No, I know. I think like without getting the explanation from him, I think like he's meaning it in a certain way. But you should be able to afford a child if you have a child. Yeah, that's kind of, he's using that. We did not, we did not, we could not afford a child

when we had a child. We just had a child. And then we were like, another one. And then we had another one and I was like, we'll figure this out. Yeah. And so then, I think most, but here's a child. And then we were like, and then we had another one, and I was like, we'll figure this out. And so then, and I think most, but here's the thing about that. It worked out, man.

Like you got two great girls, and your careers on fire, and like, no, it all worked out. It worked out, but it's like at the expense of what? Of like these kids that are like, like I guess Leanne said at one point, you know, because I remember, I remember going to school with the girls and seeing successful dads.

The same way when I was a kid and I saw kids with nice cars pull up and I was like, I wanna be a nice guy. I remember seeing famous dads at school and being like, that's gotta be fucking nice. The bike, yeah. You got all, you got money, you got tons of money. People respect you. Like I would tell'm a I remember we went to school Fred Savage

Mm-hmm and Fred Savage walked in Fred Savage was I can't say is but at the time was an amazing Fucking dad because he he didn't have any other Cares in the world he did no fucking cares He it would just sit and he be cares in the world. He had no fucking cares. He would just sit and be in the moment and involve, he'd play with other kids. He'd play with fucking kids. He'd be down on his knees at this preschool, playing with kids.

There were so many famous parents at this school, near of our dollars, In Gomez, her husband, he's in wild cats or whatever. Foxes or reverse cats or whatever. Yeah. Foxes or, you know, you're a cool girl. Yeah. Um, Jay Chenecese car. By the way, I find it somewhat ironic that you dismissed the video with people

and you're like, I've never heard them, they're not famous. And now you're listing people who I feel the same way about. Ha ha ha ha. Fred Savage, I was so shitty about it. You were like upset that they were famous. I was like not upset, but I was just like,

by the way, I'm being very honest right now. So if you're any of these people that we were friends or we were friends with, Nian, Nian, I wasn't like, I was just like, I was like jealous that like they could, that people looked at them and we were like, we're like, you're a success. I know you are. You're a success. And then they would look at me and go,

so you're still going for it, huh? Yeah. Well, I'm doing good then. Those things never, I've probably told it here, out there's some things you'll never forget. You never forget, like, I remember, never forget I was in New York opening at a club and someone I went to college with,

brought their husband and I I was featuring yeah, and they you know, it was a great show. That's the thing is like it's a great show It's like one of those nights where you're like kill me. You know you're doing 20 but like you kill and then we're talking afterwards blah blah blah and the husband who I don't know was like he meant like So how long are you gonna keep doing this? And I go what? He's like, well, how long are you gonna keep doing this? And I go, what? He's like, well, how long are you gonna keep doing this? I go, what do you mean?

And he's like, I mean, you know, like this was great, but it's like, kind of, isn't it time to shift gears? And I was like, shift gears, like, what are you talking about, man? Those are, I don't think people understand how searing those are, those moments, because you're like, you're just like, you're in a great mood, you're, I remember being at that school

and in Fred Savage, all the famous parents were there. You told me, I'm cutting you off. You told me about one time after a show, friends were there, like, I don't know if it was in Tampa or something. And one of the guys was like Oh, bro, how much money you make it? He took your check And he's like I bet he's like there were so many people there, but you got like fucking paid

Yeah, and you're like Because no one understands that like the when you're starting out they see the full house and they go Oh, you did this and you're like well, I didn't't do this. They did. It's kind of complicated, man. Yeah. And then they're gonna pay me like they did this. Like they're not gonna pay me a lot. Those things stick with you. Right.

We were, when, when, I remember I was on Comedy Central doing that reality show, reality bites back. Yeah. And we were, we were, the school was called the Sunshine Shack. And that's where all these famous parents went to hide their kids all their kids are graduated I'm not blowing up the school. It's a good fucking school if it's still around but um and Fred Savage was it was like a fucking who's the guy who played Steve pre-fontein

He went to Billy Cretup went there Billy C Cretup's girlfriend or wife, who is in weeds. That lady, I forget her name. She was like, all these fucking famous parents were there. And we're there, it's, you know, and I remember Fred Savage is on the ground playing with kids and they're like, he is so amazing. All these moms, he is so amazing. And I was like, hey, he really is.

And I'm like, I mean, to be like, like, you look at like him and Billy, they're so involved as dads. And I was like hey really is and I'm like I mean to be like like you look at like him and Billy they're so involved as dads and I was like yeah yeah yeah yeah and by the way this is the school that I brought the fucking beer to thought it was a Diet Coke this is legit that school right and so I go I go I'm such a fuck up and they're like they're like yeah you want to be like a actor or something right Bert I was like well yeah I'm a comedian I'm such a fuck up and they're like, they're like, yeah, you wanna be like an actor or something, right, Bart? I was like, well, yeah, I'm a comedian. They're like, no, but you wanna be like them, right? I was like, that's not, yeah, that is real,

but you're the way you're saying it, it's hurting my feelings. Yeah, yeah. And then I last out and I go, and I go, it's really amazing that Fred Savage is a good dad. And they're like, what do you mean? And I go, well, considering who his dad is. And I'm like, who's his dad? And I go, Randy the macho man's average.

And they were like, what? And I go, yeah, his mom was misalysed a bit. And his dad is Randy macho man. I said, you didn't know that? That's he's like a celebrity kid. That's his dad. That's what they got in the business. And they're like, whoa.

It's pretty intense, bro. And then it got back to Fred Savage and Leanne pulled me and said, what the fuck did you say about Fred Savage? Did he say something to you? I never spoke to him. But I remember you want to know something fucking crazy. They, someone took a picture of Billy Cruddup and his wife at the time.

I don't know who he was dating, but he was like dating someone. He brought up was the nicest fucking guy in the world. The legit nicest guy in the world. But he was like in this nicest fucking guy in the world. The legit nicest, the nicest guy in the world. But he was like in this entanglement at the time and someone at the party, someone at our, the end of your party took a picture of him, at our little thing and then sold us a TMZ

and they fucking came to me and they were like, did you take a picture of Billy Crud up and sell it? And by the way, I had a great camera at the time, but I'm a dad, I had a great fuck camera. And they're also like, you're struggling to do it. And I remember being like, you're like, God damn, no. And I was like, I guess I can't bring my camera out anymore because like everyone, and then I was like,

I went, and then I have that problem where, if you accuse me of something, I start behaving guilty. Yeah. And so, and so, then I couldn couldn't even talk to Billy Crudup anymore because I was like, hey man, no pictures, right? Or, you know what I mean? And he was like, huh? Fucking, all right, you're just lucky to be a dad now.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I love it, but yeah, I wanted to get started earlier. I did. Did you really? Yeah, I did. I wonder if there's dads watching this that identify with what I'm it, but yeah, I wanted to get started earlier. I did. Did you really? Yeah, I did. I wonder if there's dads watching this that identify with what I'm saying, or if I'm like just,

there's dads identifying with both of us, for sure. My second family I'll do right with. Yeah. You just gotta get your wife a fast car and just tell her like, it hits 210. See if you can do it. Lick her dial. Yep, yep.

Try it backwards. You can can do backwards on the freeway How the fuck I want to drink so what are you gonna get what are you gonna get Georgia? Let me do all the car shopping with you. She wants a fucking what she want a fucking minivan. She wants a minivan She wants a Hyundai Odyssey. It's a minivan or a pickup truck, just a beater, dad. I want a beater. I don't want anyone to think, I'm like, baby, I'm not going to get you a piece of shit car because I want you to be safe. We live in Los Angeles.

If your car breaks down, there are gang bangers. There's like, this is not a safe fucking city. When you get in your car, I want you to get to where you're going. I want to get you a new car. And she was like, I don't want a new car. I don't want a new car. Dad, I'm not a new car kid. I'm like, the fuck you are.

Just shut up. Should I go? Should I go? Yeah, I guess we're gonna fucking five cars because we don't want to look rich. We're gonna five mediocre fucking cars. Because no one wants to be fucking pretentious in my family. God, we're different.

Dude, I am so frustrated with this. I'm like, so I'm always, Christine is like, can you stop with the car? I'm like, yeah, it's fine. Oh, can I tell you? I was talking to someone the other day and they're like, you know, I feel like we park against that walk. I get another one in here.

You know it, it's almost how I'm going to someone they're like, you know, you really fucked up your branding. I go, what do you mean? And they're like, well, you're branding, you should've done what Tom's doing. And I was like, what do you mean? Well, Tom's known as the car guy, he loves cars. So then he gets great cars, that's great.

And they're like, what do you get? Hot sauces and beer. I went, yeah, what the fuck? I get, my branding is fucking flip-flops, speedos. Hot sauces and alcohol. It's who you are. It's who and alcohol. It's who you are. It's who I am. It's who you are.

I want to get drunk so bad. Okay, let's start. Hold on. We got to tell this. Real quick, you had like, I didn't even pay attention to it on a previous episode. Like you just were like, oh, it's so good to be back. Sucks that it's ending soon though. And it was like, it was so quick.

And as people thought that you were saying that two bears is ending. Yeah, I don't remember doing that. Yeah. So that happens a lot when you're friends with him. Yeah. And it's not ending. So I don't know why he said that. I don't know why he says a lot of the things that he says.

But the podcast is continuing. Got it. I don't know. I have no recollection. I saw the, in the Dobbs Senate last night, and I was like, wait, who said it's ending? Yeah, I don't know. And they. I have no recollection. I saw the, some, in the Daubs Senate last night, I was like, wait, who said it's ending? Yeah, I don't know. And they're like, birthday.

It's not ending. It's not ending. Yeah, it definitely was, we checked, and it was definitely you. But, yeah, it's not ending. Yeah, it's not ending. I never told you my Christian Aquia story. Can we say it for the next one? Yeah, of course.

Hey guys, Clip Hanger. Clip Hanger. All right. Hey, check out my vlog. I posted, I'm posting vlogs of the tour I just did. Just, and so it's on my YouTube channel. Subscribe to my YouTube channel if you can. Just, it's where Bert Cascos and this vlog

and more content. Definitely. I'm, my branding is cars. I've been doing car videos there on my YouTube channel. Also update, everybody loved the cool aid and so much sugar. They both sold out immediately. So we restocked them.

And then that Dixon shirt, the Dixon shirt is a limited edition run. It's not going to, there is not going to be any more of those. If you, that's like the button down one. The hats that we've been asked about over and over we restocked the thick boy one sold out we restocked that's the new era one I'm still told is August I'm gonna get an update now on like a date but I get hit up everyone hits me up on that for the hat. This place that houses the stuff they go hey man could you keep us up to date on the hat production

because that's all people ask us. So thank you guys very much for supporting that stuff and we'll see you next week, all right? All right. The stories and birds, the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, Soon bears one cave. No scripts to bid a booze, amateur, Pertology, dirty jokes,

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