2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 44 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

SPONSORS: - Go to EstablishedTitles.com to become a Lord today and enter BEARS at checkout to get 10% off. - For 20% off your first order, visit mackweldon.com/bears and enter promo code: BEARS - Get 15% off your order at BuyRaycon.com/bears! - Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code BEARS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Go to Whoop.com and enter “BEARS” at checkout to save 15%. Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing how coronavirus has changed people. They move on to talking about Bert's gross habits, and call Ari Shaffir to find out the point in the day at which he brushes his teeth. Tom and Bert also discuss who they would invite on a celebrity guys trip. Potential candidates include Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, Shia Labeouf, Bill Clinton, Charles Barkley, and Mike Tyson. This leads them into talking about how weird Joe Pesci looks now. They wrap up by discussing Post Malone's appearance on the Joe Rogan Experience.

Leanne caught me picking my nose and eating it one time. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, oh, we're past the honeymoon phase. Oh. Yeah. It wasn't like, discussing. It was just like, do you do that regularly? Have.

I don't eat them all the time by have a lot more than I'm comfortable with. You're disgusting. You're the most disgusting person I ever remember. I am fucking disgusting. 100% I would probably would with them being here. What's the problem between her eyes? Why?

Because I don't like anyone in our space. I know that people come in this space. But I think I'm OCD. I think I'm really OCD. And you have major anxiety issues. Yeah. Like a second they walked in, I went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, what are you guys doing here?

Yeah, yeah. And they're all masked and gloved, but I'm like And they're by the beer They're all by the beer like they're by the beer. That's bothers you a hundred percent like Because they're like wiping down the food and stuff Mm-hmm. Oh This fucking virus might have fucked my brain up Like legit you have a buzz going to I do have a legit buzz

Do you this virus changed your the way your brain's working? Do you think you could just go into a stadium of people and just sit the way we used to sit like this elbow to Assholes and just right now no no no say they have a they say they go to assholes and just right now. No, no, no, no, say they have a, say they go. Vaccines out there and right there. Vaccines out there. I think I would still be cognizant of flu's. Yeah, you're probably,

that'll probably always be a thing in your head. Being like everyone will be a little more, or a lot more, a term of phobic than they have, where I think to a degree. Let's talk about the changes that have happened with society. Okay. Like I haven't been to the grocery store

and I have not been to the grocery store. How fucking crazy is this? Leanne, I made Leanne go every time and Leanne's type A blood and I'm type O. So I'm less successful to be like super sick and Leanne is more but I just can't go and she just does not fucking think about it or care. I haven't been to the grocery store in 138 days.

Jesus. I haven't been out really. Like I might have did the tour and stuff and I do this, but I do not go out. Like I don't, I've never been, I've been to a bar in 138 days. I haven't been to, it's even more now that you're seeing this we're shooting this a little before it drops.

It's been more. Yeah. That's, wow, I was at a before it drops. It's been more. Yeah. That's, wow, I was at a grocery store yesterday. You know how the problem when we first started doing this show during COVID, when you were getting iced coffees, I didn't tell you. What was the problem? I didn't like it. Bye.

Because I remember we first started this. We were like, very first week. We were like, all right, here's the deal, guys. We can make a little money. Everyone can work through this thing. It'll probably be a couple months All right, and you're like, but we just got to stay safe Everyone's got to stay safe and we were like all agreed Because let's stay safe and I remember taking that soda heart like I leave the house for this. That's it

I think go home I think go home and then you shut up with a nice coffee and I go where the fuck did you get that from you like Starbucks? I went Like I started melting the fuck did you get that from? You're like Starbucks, I went, huh, like I started melting the fuck down. Really? This is why I haven't fucked a lot of people, is cause I'm terrified of disease. I'm terrified. We talked about this earlier, is that,

I wish I could be the dude that tried to kiss a ton of girls. I regret that I'm not. I don't regret now, cause I guess maybe that's a shift in personality and like I am who I am. Yeah. But you know, our first date, Leanne asked me out,

because I was afraid that I didn't want to be aggressive. Yeah. Well, that's just how you are though, man. Yeah, but I was ashamed of it my whole life. I get that. I mean, not because I wasn't ever like that, like that aggressor type either. Do you think that's why we ended up

with the woman we ended up with? Or do you think that's why we're married? I don't know. That's why we ended up with the women we ended up with. Or do you think that's why we're married? I don't know. That's why we're married. It seems like both of us aren't like, when I picture you in push, I don't picture you guys super sexual and like you and like, come here.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, even though we'll talk like that. Yeah. Like, I think people go, that's not happening. Right. But like, do you, that's not happening. Right. But like, do you think that's why we ended up with the women we ended up with is because we are not, we've never been like the, wawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawaw You know, but what does it say about our women? That they're not into the type of guy who's like,

like that, I guess. I don't know. No, no, no, no. Yeah, I mean, but the thing is like now, all these years later, I am more of a pig. Oh, oh, oh, if they start letting wives me to us, I am fucked. Yeah.

My wife would be like, oh, oh, fuck face. Cause like, how about we suck this dick bitch? Yeah. That's nice. If they're like, hey, you can't take your dick out in front of your wife for the reason. Oh, that's all I do. He's got my pants.

I'm like, you want it? Is she turned on by you, you think? No. Not physically. No, not physically. No, I think lifestyle wise, I think she thinks she made a right call. I think physically there's no part of her that looks at me naked and goes, Oh, yeah.

What do you think when she does have sex with you? It's always a penance or something, or do you think that she feels that she is thrilled by it in some way? I think it's like, do you ever see this movie Snowpiercer? Oh, that's the guy who did the same guy that parasite, right? Yeah, but I think so. The Korean guy?

Yeah. So they used to give them bars of meal and they didn't know what it was, but they loved it. Am I right about that? Yeah. They used to give them bars of meal. Like that was how they ate, it was like a bar of meal. And they loved it. Am I right about that? Yeah. Yeah. They used to give them bars of meal. Like that was how they ate. It was like a bar of meal.

Yeah. And they loved it. And then they found out it was cockroaches. And they were like, what the fuck are you even feeding us? Yeah. I think that's how Leanne looks at my body. It's like, it's sustenance, but it's not the thing I wanted.

But do you think she has sexual favors or sex acts or solely for your benefit? Or do you think she's like, I think she likes it. Yeah, I think she likes it. Like I think I'm really good at oral sex. I heard someone say the other day, I think there's Whitney coming and say, just so you know what you do to your chick

isn't what I like. And like that's like, not she doesn't say that to me, she said it on her podcast. But she said, you know, just so you know what you do that pleases your girlfriend, doesn't please me. I heard that, and I had never been more solid and not leaving my relationship than that moment.

I was like, I will never leave, like, Leanne, because I can't make Leanne come, but I, yeah, that's all I can do. Right. I got, I'm a one. You got her down. I got her down, I'm a puppet act. Yeah.

Like, I can do people that like puppets, but if you don't like puppets, you really won't like what I'm doing one you got her down. I got heard I'm a puppet act like I can do people that like puppets But if you don't like puppets you really want like what I'm doing right and I didn't even learn how to do that to Leanne until like well into our marriage you told me that that you were you were doing it in an unpleasing way for my lips around Her entirely go Was an old joke I but now you actually dance around right now. I just spit on it and go you're stupid. Yeah And then, but now you actually dance around, right? No, just spit on it and go, you're stupid. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't feel like, when Whitney said that, I thought, I actually, there's a part of my brain that I actually thought, man, I've been hit in batting practice with Nolan Ryan, right? If I took this out into a fucking different league,

like if I played fucking Korean baseball, I'd be big Ruth. You think so? Yeah. You think if you and like she died, did you got hit by a bus or something? Keep going, keep going. Nope, nope.

Don't need to explain more. I heard you. She's just gone. So, bus accident, motorcycle hitzer. Motorcycle hitzer and I get to reconstruct our body, different story. Bus hitzer, she's dead. Hold the plug.

She's dead and the bus. Your wife's been hit by a, come on motorcycle, come on motorcycle. Oh. Her body flies off a cliff, it's run over by a couple trucks. All right, she's totally dead. An elephant steps on her chest. Yes, and totally dead.

Yeah. You're out there again. Do you think your making chicks come left and right? And initially I was. Initially I was like, I was like, uh-huh. Like, like, where do you see what Captain Tingle brings your way? Yes. And now I know that's not the fact. And now I'm going.

Because of what Whitney said. Because of exactly what Whitney said, where she said, but wait, what makes you think that you wouldn't, you wouldn't be able to adapt to what the next woman likes. I don't listen. So I just said this to Leanne today. When I used to have sex with Leanne, meaning when we started, this is really intimate.

Hey, someone would grab a couple more beers out of the fridge, we're eight minutes in and we're already here. So when I first started having sex with Leanne, I never read her body. Like I just, I did it as hard as fast as I could so that I can get ready for my turn. So like whatever I did, I did hard fast and quick and like, come on, like imagine if they said,

hey man, run three miles and then you get a milkshake and you're like, well why am I gonna walk it? Let me just run it real quick. As opposed to going like, let me find the pace of my body or some shit like that. So the other day, oh so that's all we got left. Okay, that's fine, that's fine, that's fine, thank you. So the other night, the other day we were hanging out and hooking up. And I've done this a lot. I say recently, not like,

I mean, like it lasts four years maybe. But like, do you ever have sex and like, read the rhythms and then go like, okay, all right, like let's go with this pace. This is what, I'm hearing you, I'm listening to you. Like, that was a heavy breath. You're being present. Being present, I was never present, I'm listening to you. Like, oh, you're, that was a heavy breath. You're being present. Yeah, being present, I was never present.

I was never present. Ever, ever, I was just like, sex is sex. I'll do my part, you do your part, and then I'll see if it hits. And when we were younger, it hit a lot at the same time. But then there was this period after we shared kids where it just was like, get it over, you do you, and then let's get it over with and go to Target, you know? And I think that's where it was. And the other day I was like, get it over, you do you, and then let's get it over with and go to Target, you know?

And I think that's where it was. And the other day I was like, oh, I just started reading your body. And I was, I said this was yesterday actually, Tom. Yesterday I said, you know, so funny, I'm just starting to read your body really good. And she's turning 50. So like, part of me is like, I can't have the time

to put in with another woman. Yeah, like to learn how to read. But when you, what about, what about, what about, can you imagine trying to read Whitney's body? We're like, Whitney's already confusing as fuck when you be around her just as a person. Can you imagine trying to read her body and be like, I'm getting so many fucking signals.

Should I, should I, should I, I don't even wanna step into this? I did as a fucking, let's go through the comics. I'm not, the comics. Let's go through the comic, female comics, who would be the toughest to read, okay? I live with one.

All right, so, no, no. No, she's actually, she's very direct, very easy to read. What, you're wife? Yeah, yeah. She just tells you what she wants. Well, I don't think it's hard to read. I just don't think it's hard to read But I know what you're saying because not everyone's like that that everyone's like no

So some women will tell you like it's like imagine if you had to order from a menu and they guys like what can you what can I get you to eat? You're like, I don't know and the guy's like you guys like steak and she goes You're like oh you like steak like It's like pasta. guy's like, you guys like steak, and she goes, you're like, oh, you like steak? She's like, it's like pasta, she's like, also it's pasta. It's like pasta, she's like, oh, pasta. And he's like, okay, seafood, you're like, oh, you're like, not seafood?

Oh, oh. But wait a minute, look, that was a really good bit by the way. That was a pretty good bit. It's a pretty good bit, and that's a good way of explaining it, actually. But here's the thing I wanted to ask you. Your theory was that it took you a long time

to read what was going on. And you're like, I'm just set. My thing is, if you were single, if you were out there, what about what you do naturally, just automatically pleasing the next woman. I would hate to meet that woman. Really? Yeah. At a chicken winging contest. Just, oh yeah, man, you like the same shit.

Does he do we get sick? Who wants to go another fucking beer? You want to fucking the bathroom? And I'm like, you know what I do? He's just like, come on. Pound to pound to pound to pound to pound to pound to pound to pound it. Yeah, that woman doesn't eat. I hope she doesn't exist. I don't know what the next woman would eat. pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound pound a pound a pound a pound a pound a pound pound a pound a Oh my God. You imagine, like, if you were single though, there would be the honeymoon phase of like someone like me and you'd be like, this guy is great, but then when they like got to know you.

Well, it's just once you get past the, it's a weird thing when you, especially when you talk about like, if there is this gray area in my opinion, when you talk about like consent and like lying to a person, because you definitely present yourself to a person to have sex with them is one way like I'm burnt I'm really got my it's an advertisement And then once once they get past that and they catch you sniffing your finger that you put your asshole and they're like What are you doing and you're like huh? And you're like did you was that in your asshole and you're like well yeah Why would it be in your asshole?

Inside your asshole like a greasy asshole and then you just rub it and then go, well, I'm taking that to the face. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha all the time by I do a lot more than I think you'd be comfortable with in bed next to me You don't ever just go this will make me physically sick. This will make me sick and you just like in the mornings I don't eat them all the time by have a lot more than I'm comfortable. You're so disgusting You're yeah, you're the most disgusting person I ever had. I am fucking disgusting. I am definitely disgusting. You clip your toenails and you tape them under the table. Still?

Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Now it's funny, but at first it was just because I didn't want to- You don't flush your turds? No, that's not fair. We got a bidet. I've explained this to you.

There's a woman who died free diving. What? You haven't heard this? Wait, no, say it again. So there's a woman who died free diving. Now, I used to always flush my turds. Always flush my turds. Okay.

You sit, flush, get up, leave. Right. There's a woman who died free diving. Type in free diver, female, death, right? What happened was she went down to the bottom, her, Audrey probably. I think it was, what year, what year do you think it happened?

Recently, I saw it in a documentary, what happened was when you freedive, it's all about just follow the, when you do anything that's in adventure-wise or intense, it's just follow the instructions that we're given to you. So when you freedive, you grab one of this clip and pulls you down at the bottom. At the bottom, you have to grab the flag,

give a thumbs up, pull the clip, and go up, just so they know. Okay. And so what happened is she got down to the bottom, grab the flag, give a thumbs up, blew a kiss to the camera and it threw her off because she did one extra thing. She threw her off and she forgot to pull the clip. And so she sat there for like an extra 15 seconds, which fucking 15 seconds of freedom and kills you. And then finally, finally, finally pulls the clip and starts going up, but it's now it's too late.

She's already dead, everyone knows she's dead. And it's because she did that extra kiss and that's why I don't flush. Is that, well, hear me out. Is that when I shit, I've been trained to do two things. Shit, flush, get up. Now I sit, shit, push the button and spray my asshole wipe. And I just forget it for us,

because I've already done the three things that I've been taught to do. Does that make sense? Hear me out. So, you're saying, find this woman, you're gonna find her, and then that explanation will explain, because I've added extra one extra hitch in to my steps.

Do you say, though, you are forgetting, though? I'm forgetting because it says, and it's not her, it's not the person alive, I'm sure. No, that person is a... Died in the temps to break the head. That's in 2002 she died. That sounds about accurate. But, so, because she added one more thing

at her bottom and blew a kiss to the camera. Type in the blowing kiss. Blow a kiss. Blowing kiss. That's it. Streader. Is that her name? I think about that every time I don't call it that. I scrolled out. I think about that every time because I've only got,

I've only got my whole rhythm for shitting my entire life. It's been very simple. Shit, white flush. Sit down, sit down, shit, white flush. Now it's shit, button, wipe, and I've done too many things already, and my brain's on the next thing. So that's why the tears are in there.

That's why I forget to flush. It's because same thing was a freediver is that I've done too many things. I love that you can connect those two things. Yeah. I think a lot of people would say I think I think a lot of times people hear this and they're like what the fuck wrong with them? I would argue that 50% of the people much like the toothbrushing episode we went through. Okay. I think I surprised you. No I think that's the majority of our show is that half the people like me have the people like you. No, no. You think you majority of our show. Is that half the people like me, half the people like you. No, no, you think you think 80% of the people like you,

20 are like me, it's half and half. It's not half and half. It's half and half. It's not half and half. It's half and half. It's not half and half. I'll tell you right now, if there's guys and girls watching it, I'm the guy you're the girl.

We talking about 100% percent. What are you talking about? I'm every dude and you're the girl that's like, no, a good up and I burst my teeth right away. Dude, first of all, your toothbrushing thing is absolutely fucking disgusting. I thought you were exactly right. No, and it's sick and people that do it

are disgusting gross people like you. What I'm saying about the flushing, it's not a guy versus girl thing. It's like, you took a shit, most people find it to be pretty standard to flush their shit. No, and I bet there's a lot of dudes who just got Toshii.com or or a couple of days who are going, yeah man, I have actually been forgetting to flush a lot too.

Because I was like a freediver, I've experienced too many things. Now my rhythms fucked up. I got fucking 35 years of shit wipe flush, shit wipe flush. Now I'm going flip, shit wipe, low kiss. Oh my God, I'm off. And then you're walking around going, shit, I left shit in the... Ugh.

I think this makes total sense. Okay. You, uh, if you brush your teeth today? Yeah, I did. I actually did. I actually did. When? After I worked out, after I showered. Right before it came here, only because I started...

So when you wake up that morning mouth doesn't bother you at all? No, at all. Not really. You know what I'm that morning mouth doesn't bother you at all? Not at all. Not at all. You know what I'm talking about? Nope. I call it mouth. You don't think your mouth tastes different when you wake up?

Nope. Nope. Really? I mean, if I'm gonna have sex with the anvil, notice it. Right. Right. What do you notice? What do you notice?

It's like a little more like like like a little like heavier. Yeah. A little more like a little more like dark. heavier and 10 year. Little more like dark. You know that bacteria. Little maroon, a little maroon. Yeah, the bacteria's been building overnight. Little maroon, yeah.

And then I like to water pick first. But mouthwash, you don't even think a mouthwash rinse is nice in the morning. I use the thought reel. What are you talking about? That's fake news. mouthwash doesn't do anything. How long do you think mouthwash stays your mouth? I don't know. That's a news. Mouthwash doesn't do anything. How long do you think mouthwash stays your mouth?

I don't know. That's a great thing to Google. How long does the scent of mouthwash stay in your mouth? What do you think? 50 seconds? What? You think you think mouthwash stays in your mouth all day long? No, but I had a, you said 50 seconds. I'm going to say you do mouthwash, right?

And then what you go eat your eating food later, you're you doing mouthwash and then having a cup of coffee, correct? I wake up, brush my teeth. Yeah. Oh shit, R.E. Shafir. Let's find out from him. Let's talk to a real man. Okay.

All right, R.E. Shafir, you're on two bears, one cave with tons of your imburet. You're on two bears in case. Okay. So wait, real quick, how long do you think the scent of mouthwash stays in your breath? That's not the question. The scent of mouthwash stays in your breath? That's not the question. The scent of mouthwash stays in your breath.

Gargol spit out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it an all day adventure or is it like roughly 50 seconds? It's close to the 50 seconds. There we go. All right, see, I told you. Tom thinks everyone's like him and I know everyone's like me. Okay, let me ask you a question.

Let me ask you a question. When you wake we go. Let me ask you a question. Anyway, let me ask you a question. When you wake up in the morning on a standard average morning, you wake up, do you take a leak? Yeah, you got it, yeah. Okay, do you brush your teeth within the first, I don't know, let's say 10 minutes, like just waking up before you do not. When do you brush your teeth? Eat, do eat first. Do you eat first? No, I'll try to, I

try to do it right before coffee because I have this idea that if you brush your teeth and have coffee, it's more likely to stay in. Uh-huh. I know there's no science behind that. So what do you do? I brush it before I go out. Yeah. But if I'm staying in the apartment all day long, I might not brush. You think it's a good thing? Oh, it's not a good thing. But I'm saying I have a life where you guys don't have where I might come to contact with zero people the entire day. Okay, so if you're alone though, like if you were going to be just, hey, I'm alone for

a month, you don't like to clean your mouth? No, I do, I do. I'm almost everyday. I'm just saying that's an exception, I would say. You brush your teeth twice a day? No. I'm not saying about the fuck. Can I curse them as podcasts?

Yeah. Yeah. You can curse. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, every day I want to death. Once a day. Once a day.

I think what might be lacking, I haven't heard your whole conversation. and I don't know if there's the right time to bring this up but like Come we've all talked about your breath. It's Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I know that I know that I'm just I'm not sure Great assault, you know, I mean no, I appreciate that the whole thing came up because Bert was saying something about like Jews and their mouths and I was like, I did not say that already. I heard what Bert says about brushing his teeth very late. It's, it's problematic. Okay, thank you. Okay.

All right, bye. All right, bye. Not the best teammate to have in this argument. No Not the guy you want me on your way a minute. Let me ask these guys something. Hey, I forget. Did you guys weigh in on the brushing? I don't I don't think you asked this. Do you brush your teeth when you tell me call you Ellen behind your back? Yeah, I'm not gonna give you their own a answer. I mean, I'm not gonna lie for the longest time. I'd say this is a new thing that I brush my teeth

like right when I wake up, like I've done it in the last year, but like I would wait till after coffee to brush my teeth. Okay, that's fair enough. It's interesting because it gives you a room for improvement. Because if you brush your teeth later in the day the way I do, like later after meals or maybe even after a workout or maybe like after a meeting, I've done that. Like you go like when you do brush your teeth first thing

when you wake up, you're like, God damn it, that feels good. Right? Yeah, you're like, that's amazing. You're like, can I have my gun to do that every day? But it's like flying on a flight sober and having a cup of coffee. You're like, that was amazing.

I'm not gonna do that every time, but it did feel amazing. I feel like the podcast is different when we have headsets on. Can someone do a mashup of the different types of conversations we have? Do you like it more with or without? It's a lot more intimate.

With on. On. Yeah. Hmm. Interesting. If there was one female comic you had to say didn't brush her teeth. Wait a minute.

Why didn't you buy those earwax removal kits? We were texting about that. You were supposed to get those. Yeah, I was. Dude, were you type in earwax removal kit Instagram? Type in Instagram. Yeah, that's it. Because...

There was one that was like... You know what I do is I start. It's a monster. I send them to Leanne. I message them to Leanne and I go, Hey, will you buy this for me? Yeah. And then she never buys them. This is I touch her. I send them to Leanne. I message them to Leanne and I go, hey, will you buy this for me? Yeah. And then she never buys them.

This is definitely not it. No, that's not it. Oh, I would pay money to have my ear filled with wax so someone could remove it. No, no, close that. Go back to the search engine. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Instagram promoted. Promoted. Similian. No, not drops. That's amazing. You can't find it, but it's all over your Your feed no no no not what's in your ear. Oh my god Now he's no I'm sorry. I don't mean that I attack you The dog I'm saying that it's just gross that that's a website. Dr. Booger. Anyways, we have to look for it.

That one looked really cool. I'll find it. I always texted to Liam. Oh really? Yeah, I texted to you. I'll find it right now. But that was a while ago. Yeah, I just texted to me, but.

I'll text to you right now. I go to my Instagram, Apple, Chrysher, one poor four million followers, follow me if you can. Send me something at 707, PO Box 707, North Hollywood, California, 9163. And I'll open it and put on my Instagram. I just go like this, Tommy. Watch this. Okay, go here. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Tell me you're finding it right now Suga Tom you send me a while ago. It's it's right. It's gonna be right here. You tell you delete it all your messages

No, I don't I delete my messages on my phone These are interesting like there's no way I have this Now that I'm looking at it. I'm like oh here. We go Tommy, I got it, pro-ear, pro.ear. Okay, pro.ear. I'm in the dobb, I'm sending it to you. What's your Instagram? Very in the dobb show. Very.

That's on it. All right, it's getting sent to you right now. It's on your Instagram. Put pro-ear. It's already sent to his Instagram. Pull up your Instagram right now, and then you can pull it out. There.

Fine. I would love to do,. Pull up your Instagram right now, and then you can pull it out. They're right. Fine. I would love to do it. I did Earwax removal in Vietnam, and it was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done in my life. How much did they come out? They told me, you can find it.

Have you seen it? You've never seen it? No. Nidav, fuck this little bullshit company. Let's get it. Oh, yes. Yeah, right. Hey,

hey, buy a couple of those, okay? Can you buy a couple for real Noodov? Sure. Okay, now on the dov, go to YouTube, Burt, Chrysher on YouTube, Burt, Chrysher, and pull up earwax removal. It's like one of my top videos.

Really? I did earwax removal in Vietnam. They do these, it's amazing. They clean the inside of your ears. Go to popular videos. Click on popular videos on the, there you go right there, and just open that little T-Tie tabber.

And then there you go, to the left, ear wax removal. Yeah, just mute it. Why, can we not play my own videos? Well, I don't know, I guess we can. I imagine you probably have music in yours. I do. Yeah, just leave it muted. So wait, just scroll ahead, scroll, scroll, scroll.

Let me see your fingers. Keep scrolling, keep scrolling. This is on the street corner in Vietnam. You did it like there? They clean it inside your ears out and it is fucking awesome. And so they do this guy, they, you can get a haircut and an ear cleaning. And they take these dentist tools and they go into your ear They shave all the hair inside your ear. They pull all the wax out of your ear. It is if

Nadov, you can hear on a new level after it. So this one guy they go into his ears, right? And they're they're going in there with needles. Why do you see what they pull out? Take a look at this Right, yeah, do you see that they pull out? Take a look at this. Right? Yeah. Do you see that little nugget? Yeah. They're pulling Hershey kisses out of his ears.

Look at this. This is all the stuff that came out of his ears and all of a sudden was like, I can hear so much better. If we can get a Vietnamese woman in here, to click, look at that. Look at that. That came out of his ears. That came out of his fucking ears. Look at the look on his face right now where you can realize is he can hear, right? Yeah.

Dude, some people create more wax than other people. Hey, Zeus Treo, we should get his ears done. He creates a lot of wax. You do? Yeah. Oh my god. Tommy. I can get these actual. Did you get it done to you too? Yeah, you know, nice. I've really clean ears. Okay. I don't really produce that much wax, but I clean my ears nonstop every time, all day long. All day long, and then a lot, like I brush my teeth. And it's crazy that I look skinny in this, and I was fat, and now I'm just fatter. Wait, you look better on the video.

Then I do now. Yeah, I know, but I thought I was fat then, and now I'm fat. You look great. And it create, I look like Russell Crowe. Right now? Yeah. Which Russell Crowe? Russell.

When he played Roger Hales? No, like Russell Crowe. Stop this right now, Google Russell Crowe. Tell me I don't look like Russell Crowe. There we go. You look kind of like Russell Crowe. I feel like Russell Crowe.

Russell Crowe looks like Dan Harmon. I don't mean anything bad about Russell Crowe. I feel like Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe looks like Dan Harmon. I don't mean anything bad about Russell Crowe or Dan. No! Right there, that's you on the left. Where? Right there. Yeah, I know, I look like fucking Russell Crowe except ugly. That used to be a huge compliment to say Russell Crowe.

I know, look at him in Gladiator. Yeah. He was in Gladiator. Is he gaining weight for a roller? Or is he just done? No, I think he goes, I mean, he's obviously a little older and heavier, but. How old is Russell Crowe? You think I'm, I got to be older than him, right?

No, he's older than you, I think. No, I would think so. He's got to be 52. Get me over under, over under. How old do you think he is? I don't know. 55, 56. No. No.

52, I, I, I, I, I be shot, he's got to be younger than Joe. Okay. 56, oh wow, he's older than Joe. Hmm. What if he still drinks? I bet he'd be fun to party with. Oh, yeah. I bet he really, okay, Gerard Butler,

Butler, Tom Cruise, Joaquin Phoenix. That's a fucking fun part, night of partying. If everyone got 100% real, I'm gonna talk truth serums. You think they would? Do we should plan a guy's weekend? Ultimate guy's weekend, okay? Okay. So how many guys in a guy's weekend?

Private jet, how many would G5? Yeah, you could put it. No, you're're the jack, I don't know anything about jets. Right, that's a big jet. So you can fit a lot of stuff. So let's pick the weekend. Okay. Let's pick, let's pick the place first. Do we leave out LA? So I'll do movie stars, right?

Okay. Or whatever, it's, but we leave out LA. G5? Sure. How many seats in G5? 19? That's the way too many. Yeah, so I think too.

Okay, so all right. So how about that G280 there? G280 sounds great. So I'm saying. That's way too many. Yeah, so I think too. Okay, so all right. So that G280 there. G280 sounds great. So it's 10. Okay, so me and you, and we need eight other dudes, guys weekend. Let's do sevens we have moved, room to move around. Okay, let's do five so that we, we're not overwhelming.

That's even better, I think. Okay, five, five. Five total or five more. Five more. Okay. I think. Five total or five more. Five more. Five more. Guys weekend, private jet, first off, where do we go? You don't want to go somewhere like. You don't want to go to Hawaii or where's my family?

There's with me. Can we go wine, take a sip? Outdoorsy. Montana, you know, but the mountains. Wyoming. Wyoming, we hunt fesent. We ride horses fish fish drink hardcore Yeah, we got like a chef come in. Okay, we go to Wyoming. So we're going G5 G2 one ever whatever Yeah, we need five dudes in Wyoming. You want one? Okay, let's let's name the characters

We're looking for them. We'll find the celebrities that fit in. Okay, I think you want like a, honestly like a Warren, like a athlete, you know, like the, like, talks last shit. You need an athlete. Yeah, we need to bring in an athlete. We gotta be Warren, so we already got, yeah, it's gonna be Warren. Yeah, so it's our brand.

Right, okay, so we got Warren, me, you. Now we gotta think who's gonna get along with Warren, and he can, cause you know he's gonna be aggressive on like crazy fucking people And they're gonna be like get their feelings hurt They haven't been around black people a lot. At least you can't have Tom Cruise Can't have Tom Cruise Tom Cruise has no fucking black friends. We don't know that. Oh, he is a black kid Right, I don't know. I'm not trusting Tom Cruise or more. It's that be honest with you really at all

Hey Warren how you doing? And then Warren's like, oh shit, we're gonna do that all weekend. And he's like, what are you talking about? Warren, do you like motorcycles? And then Warren's like, why do we bring him? Connoha Cruz is a good looking kid. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. So okay, so we're not doing Tom Cruise. Okay. Matthew McConaughey. Yeah. He's not LA based, he's awesome. It's okay, he flies in and he parties with us. We definitely want Matthew McConaughey. Me, you Warren's sat Matthew McConaughey. Yeah, he's not LA based. He's awesome. It's okay. He flies in and he parties with us. We definitely want Matthew McConaughey.

Me, you, Warren, stab Matthew McConaughey. There's, we need three more people. Matthew's gonna do all that weird shitty does. You gotta keep the high, eighths right here. Let's stay with him for a little bit. How much fun would it be though when we all go to sleep? And then Warren's gonna be like, you gotta cut that shit off.

With the fucking high, low, high, and fucking meet me then you guys got me you got to cut that shit off with the fucking high Fuckin meet me in the middle shit. I don't play that shit. What's he know the best part time is we're laying in our bed In our bunkside at night and Warren comes in a room. He's like you guys awake. We're like yeah, what's up He's like comes up to our bunks. He's like what's up with the this shit Stuff and we're like oh it's in a movie you guys I didn't see that fucking movie. One like, oh, it's a character he did. He's like, livin' I.N. what the fuck? And we're like, oh, you didn't see school days or whatever? And he's like, nah.

All right, so Matthew McConaughey will put on a burner. Yeah, okay. Let's go wild card. Oh, here's what we need for sure. We need a really young, like, there's got to be the young kid that's on the trip. Like, cool enough to hang, but he's like 15, 20 years younger. Shyla Booth.

Really? Yeah. He'd be fun. See, I like that for the weekend trip. I'm in fucking shit. That's a weekend trip. Shit. How does he though?

How does it matter? I'll take him. Really? Shyla Booth is fucking perfect for our fucking trip. Warren's at 34 years old. Warren's at gonna love Shyla Booth. Okay. Alright, so we got Shyah. We got me. We got you. Warren's set 34 years old. Warren's set up. Gonna love Shyla Bluuff. Okay. All right. So we got Shyah.

We got me. We got you. Warren. Uh, Matthew McConaughey's on the back. You ready for, you ready for a, you ready for a sneak attack one? Yeah. Okay. Bill Hader. Oh, I like that. I like that. Right. Cause he's a little nerder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like he's like everything, everything's perspective wise. Yeah. And like he's gonna like he's gonna be more quiet than you think. He's gonna be quiet a little bit or more. And then he's gonna come in with like all the killer lines that you didn't see coming out of it.

And like, he's like, this is my impression of Bill Hader at dinner with us, ready? Ready? Warren gets up and goes to the bathroom. He goes, well, I guess he's ordering for all of us. And then here's my impression of Bill, okay. You get up to go to the bathroom, he's like, are any of us going to talk?

Are any of us going to talk? Okay, so Bill Hayder, Shiloboof, me, you, Warren, SAPP. Okay, we have two more? No, three more. No, three more. No, two more. Two more. So, get the type first, then the person. Okay.

What are we missing? We do need someone, I think, for this trip who has experience with the outdoors. You know what I mean? Hold on. Don't, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Okay. We need a fat guy.

Just do it. So that we're not the fact. Oh right So we need a fatter guy. Yes, not a fact. We need a fatter guy. Okay. I'm with you. Okay, fatter guy fatter guy Fatter pitching Josh Gad Okay, because I think he's like and then like you know me and you mean you can connect clicker quicker with Warren Because we'll just start picking on him Well, he's already lost wait it says fuck all right pass on Josh. God fuck Josh. God All right, we need someone. I think we need someone like comfortably over three bills, you know Doesn't carry it well. All right, like a factor type of fat actor Fatmuse this and we come up like that first thing

50 fat celebrities page six, okay, wait, why don't we take Russell Crowe? He's in New Zealand and shit Australia. Wow, these are all women Yeah, why are these all 50 fat actors and they're all women? That's not it's all you can do better page six. Okay He's dead. He's dead Who do we bring Chelsea handler? What mm-hmm just to like be like bitchy and stuff I'm not bringing Jason Alexander

William Hungs not coming. No way. Oh my god. Mike Tyson. Hold on. Hold on, are we bringing Mike Tyson on this trip? You know that turns us in a totally different trip. Yeah. Cause you don't want war to be the only person

to color and then be like, is it just me? Okay. Steven's a gal. We're not gonna see. Steven's a goal. We're not gonna see this a goal. That would change the dynamic way too much. Fat Joe. Fat Joe. He's also in a lot of weight.

I don't want to be in the point where Fat Joe is saying the M word a lot. And you're like, hey man, you're Puerto Rican. Like, you like not on that a pitch? Like, Roseanne. William Shatner. No. William Shattner. No, William Shattner. I love this fat celebrity.

No, I'm doing another search for fat celebrity. This is a horrible result. These aren't even fat people. I really would like to have Russell Crowe, but I feel like Russell Crowe's kind of got to wake up and does his own thing. You know, Jesus Christ. Fucking, I mean that it's like actors who have been shaped like I want current fat fucking celebrities.

Yeah. Guys. Fat celebrities. Not current, you're gonna get ones in a ocean current. Fat celebrities, male celebrities. Fat male celebs. God damn it. Oh, this is fucking... This is not...

All right, let's go back to the report. How about lists? Put the word list in. Can you write down the names we've picked already? We've got... We've got Bill Hader. We've got... Warren Sapp.

There, who are these successful fat people? How about that one? O.B. celebrities. Fine. These are, they're just famous people. He would be fine on the trip. Who's Steve Bummer? He owns the Clippers, he was a...

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't want him. Okay. I don't want him and I don't want Dick Cheney keep going. Now I don't wanna hang out with these fucking people. Ooh, could be fine, I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want him. And I don't want Dick Cheney keep going. I don't want to hang out with these fucking people. Ooh. Could be fun.

Keep going, keep going. I don't think he's going to be present. I don't think he'd be a blast. She's dead. No, he's lost too much weight. What? I think he'd be fun. Harold, ham, who's he?

I don't have any idea. I don't want to be. Charles Barkley. That'd be fun. Okay, hold on. Do we kick out now? We had taken Mike Tyson. I would definitely have any idea. I don't want to. Charles Barkley. That'd be fun. Okay, hold on. Do we kick out now? We had taken Mike Tyson. I would definitely have Charles Barkley a set of Mike Tyson. Yeah, right? I think it puts people at ease a little bit more. Charles Barkley puts every okay, Charles Barkley or Shaq?

They both would be a lot of fun. No, we're going Charles Barkley. You know what Shaq? He's gonna be fucking cramped up in the plane Yeah, taking up five seats. Yeah, way too big. Our feet are sticking into the cockpit. So wait, we have Warren's that, Shaila Booth, Bill Hader, take Tyson out. We have, yeah, we have to, I hate to say this, but I feel like this list is,

oh, not that diverse, we need, you know what we need is we need a headliner. We need a real solid. Oh, I know we're missing though. What? It's the, you have to think of the archetype first. Okay. We gotta have our, what's it called?

The Patriarch, the like the... The Crystal. Right, the older, the Anthony Hopkins, you know, like the older guy who's like, all right, fellas, like you go ahead and chop that firewood, you know? And like we're all younger than this guy. Okay.

He's been out there before. He's been to the ranch. So he tells us what he's currently for. Yeah, he's the guy who's gonna kind of call the shot, so to speak, not like a boss, but he's just, you know, he's grandfather of the group. So who are we thinking? I mean, it's gotta be somebody.

He's got a musician. Sure. Yeah, sure. Is it over 60 at least? Gotta be at least 60, maybe 70. How about, no. Does this say Eddie Vetter too young? Yeah.

But you want something like that. That's like a man musician. Garth Brooks. No, okay. All right, Path. Willie Nelson. Leonard Cohen. No, okay, all right, pass. Willie Nelson Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, Neil Young. Willie Nelson would be fucking fun though.

He smokes weed. He would be so fucking... Yeah, we get fucked up and he would just be playing the whole night. So interesting. I feel like it's Tommy Lee. No, no, no. Tommy Lee Jones would be a good fit.

What about a president? A president? Like Bill Clinton. Yeah. He would be the fun. He'd be like, I just fucked so much. Like he would tell us so many stories. One time I had this one bitch sucking this, Nipple.

Yeah. I had a girl like a monorong. Yeah, he bested best. Another bitch sucking my toes. I how to grow like a monorong he with it best another bitch sucking my toes I said bitch clean yourself up they were napkin fucking what kind of bitch sucks at all huh yeah he would be so fun on a guy strip but you know what the only thing that sucks though is he taking this fucking chick no he would be like

secret service would be everywhere I I mean, are they cool? Oh, what about George W. Bush? But like, and we gotta follow the wagon. Hey, should we put Ben Affleck on this list? What? Ben Affleck? Ben Affleck? Ben Affleck?

Isn't it Affleck? I think you're thinking of the insurance company. Is what you're saying it? Affleck? It's Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. I don't? It's Benaflack. Benaflack. I don't think it's Benaflack. I think you're saying it stupid.

How to pronounce Benaflack. Okay. God, I'm gonna use the way he does this. I'm gonna use the way he does this. I'm gonna use the way he does this. God, bro. That's a weird pronunciation. I'm gonna have another beer, I think.

Yeah, do it. Pronounsnames.com. Ben Affleck? Oh, I'm not saying it like that. Ben Affleck. Ha ha. What's the name? Looks like I'll be taking your insurance card, Ben Affleck.

It's not Ben Affleck. Casey Affleck would be good to go with. Casey Affleck. Casey Affleck. If I think I'm saying it the old Worldway what's the old world is when they came to this country and it before Ellis Island and the guy was like I'll just call it a flack and he's like he's like it's Benaflack and they're like it's a flack Good line. I'm very I'm very progressive. I've always been on the right side of history. Yeah Wait now we still need that we need our senior member Get in line. I'm very progressive. I've always been on the right side of history. Yeah. Wait, no.

We still need our senior member. I'm having a hard time with it. I'm actually not in love with ouronaughey at Benaflack, like a real-mail Johnny Dapp, uh, uh, uh, Benzell Washington. Wouldn't you take Benzell Washington over Charles Barkley? Sure. 100%. Right? Michael Keaton is a fucking great pick.

Dan, you want, you want to do the can tell a story by the fire, fire spot and not just to, I mean, I love Charles Barkley. Different trip. It's a different trip. Okay, okay, you know, I mean I'm with you man Schwarzenegger Harrison Ford yeah or Schwarzenegger either one right? I'm not saying Schwarzenegger. I don't like his brand. He's he's watered it down Harrison Ford is exactly who I'm talking about here as a mansion Wyoming He'd be like oh no, this is the wrong stream does here some Ford is who we want here we want here's some forties who we uh-uh. I got it. I got it. I got it. What? I fucking got it Bruce Willis Yeah, I'd be a lot of fun Bruce fucking Willis yeah, how was Bruce Willis? Bruce Willis has got to be what 65

66 you got it 65 Bruce Willis so Bruce Willis is the guy Who fucking laughs at all of orange stories, right? Yeah points his finger to Shiloh Booth and goes like this fucking kid, right? I was like you right yeah Bill Haters as a joke and Bruce Willis goes like this right? Okay And when we tell a story, he goes, is it just me or do these guys look like me when I was younger? So wait, who would kick an offer at Bruce? Charles Barkley.

I apologize that Warren, that you're going to be the only brother of a color, but we got Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis, Bill Hayter, I would definitely throw in tens of Washington into this group, but what do we need? What are we missing? I feel like we're missing like, you know what we're missing is a firecracker.

Yeah. A guy that's like, Hey guys, let's jump off this rock. I think that's you. Okay. By the way, we should kick ourselves out of this group and just do guys trips. Terry Bradshaw.

He'll be a lot of fun. Brad. He'll farm. Yeah, he'll be fun. Ken Stabler. Far would be a lot of fun. Brad farve. Yeah, he'd be fun Ken Stabler farve would be a lot of fun. Farve would be so much fucking we don't want another athlete We don't want another athlete. We got one athlete. We got a lot of actors Do we want to human the terrian? See I would actually argue that you you want like

I would actually argue that you want like... What, what do you want? I think you want like the kid. That's Shia! No, he's not the kid though, man. You, I mean, you're talking like you were like fucking 13 years old? No! I'm saying like, you know, 20s like the kid. He's the kid of the group, man, because we're all like much older, you know?

Zach Efron? No, he's the kid of the group man because we're all like much older, you know, Zach Efron Now he's to like Established Bema you need a little like little lost kind of you know, I mean he's like, oh, okay We're like let's kick the fuck shy of both off. He's my kid. Okay, so Not no, I'm getting little noss X No, I don't know who I saw him on the shop X.

No, I don't know who they are. I saw him on the shop. You know what I mean when they're like, Hey man, we need some more water bottles. And then they're like, Oh, I know who's there. We'll say this name at the same time on the count of three. Okay. One, two, three. Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart. What? Kevin Hart. He's the kid. Yeah. He's like fucking 42. Yeah, but we'll pretend he's the kid now. He'll be like, come on, Cav.

The blood pretend like when he first started to stand up look have and I'm like I'm the richest person here And we're like little Cav come on look at He just puts in young actors God He is horrible. I mean, I love you to death in a dog, but God damn it. You are fucking horror I completely agree with do we bring like a we bring like a Elon Musk with us, and then just fuck. That, see that makes it a fucking interesting trip too.

And then like, he's like, you ever seen like a hydrogen bomb drop? And we're like, well, he's like, look over there. And we're like, oh my God. You just imagine this, just this moment, like, fuck, this is gonna happen, bro. Yeah. Oh.

And so we're going to Wyoming. I say we, I say we leave this up to the group to decide the last person. I think we got a pretty solid fucking group. I'm not gonna lie to you. Shia's our kid. No, so you can't have Denzel and Bruce, dude. Take Denzel.

It's like the same prototype. I would take Bruce off. Yeah. No, but I feel like Denzel is one style of dude. I feel like Bruce has got a little bit of rancher in him, a little bit of whiskey. I saw Denzel one time he had a tennis racket in this car and I was like, for real?

Like, that's not who I thought you were. What? Like, he was in a Porsche driving down. Actually, I had a tennis racket in my car. Let me replace that. I was driving to tennis and I saw him in a Porsche and I just was like, I didn't see him in a Porsche. So this makes him not part of the trip?

I don't know. What's wrong with a Porsche? It's not, it's just not Denzel. What? It bothered me. It was like he's too big of a man to be in a Porsche. Okay. Like what do you, like if you, if you saw Denzel in a car,

like what car do you see him except? Like I think I see him like with my clothes, my eyes, I see him in like a, something he built himself. No. Yeah. No, I see him in like a big body sedent, like an S class, you know, or like, yeah. Type in Denzel's car. That's what I picture him in. Denzel Washington car. Not training day car. That's gonna definitely give you one type of car. Denzel Washington car. Okay, watch this. Yep, that's his little porch.

There's an Aston Martin there, there's an Audi here. What's this? Okay, top left one. Denzel Washington car collection. Oh, you know why you need Denzel? Because the, he, the him and Bruce do the same service. Yes, Royce, that's what I picture him in. Exactly. The him and Bruce give the same service rolls Royce. That's what I picture him in

him and Bruce give the same service is that that's what wise dudes. Yeah, so I'm saying They're they're fun, but I mean I think you got to go Denzel dude. Okay, if you go to Denzel can you add Matthew McConaughey to that? Fuck no because you want it you want the juxtaposition of what? because you want the juxtaposition. Of what? I could see Denzel pulling me aside being like, no, your friend all right? No, he'd be like, your friend all right. I go, what do you mean? He's like three days in a row,

handle a whiskey a day, just gotta keep an eye on it. I'm like, yeah, no, I got it. No, this is him ready. I'm gonna do a Denzel person. Oh, like, yeah, no, I got it. No, this time, ready? I'm gonna do a Denzel person. Oh, okay, well, wait, stop, stop, okay. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Just so I can get it in my due training day to do training day Just a clip from it and then play to my earbuds so I can I can hear it there we go there we go Okay We're definitely losing denels then it's all after my impression of him

I don't know you might really appreciate what you're doing. Oh, you motherfuckers. Okay, okay, okay, we're ready. Oh, that motherfucker. Okay, keep going. Keep going. We're going to piece this together. So what we're going to do is we're going to clip it together. This is my impression of Denzel.

I'm going to clip it together based off this one speech, and this is a speech he's giving to Tommy about me. Okay? Okay. Oh, that motherfucker. Okay, go ahead. speech and this is a speech he's giving to Tommy about me okay okay oh that motherfucker okay go ahead okay all right okay all right I'm putting cases on all you bitches I bet there's cases on that bitch. Huh? You think you can do this shit? Yeah! He thinks he can do this shit. Burr! Keep going. You think you can do this to me? He thinks he can do that to me? You motherfuckers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay. Okay, ready? Yeah.

Fat motherfuckers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay. Okay, ready? Yeah. Fat motherfucker's gonna be playing basketball in Pelican Bay. Tens out, what are you talking about? Keep going. When I get finished with you, shoe program, nigga. I'm not saying that line. Keep going.

No, no, stay in character. Su-program, burp. 23 hour lockdown 23 hour lockdown What are you talking about? I'm the man up in this piece By the way, this is no longer about me, this is just me reciting a speech from Oh, I figured that out a while ago

Alright, let's speed it up Alright All right, let's stop because it's about that. Yeah. Has this been an entire episode about us figuring out a guy's trip? I think so. Feels like it. Let's pivot and do something interesting. Okay.

Joe Pesci would be a great person to bring. What does Joe Pesci look like right now? Oh. Joe Pesci would be a great person to bring. What does Joe Pesci look like right now? Oh. Joe Pesci. Who? Whoa. Whoa. How old is he?

He's got to be like 80. I guess higher actually. 82. I would guess. Border 90. He replaced the jazz album. He's a beautiful singer. A legit beautiful singer.

He can do hair well. He's a hairdresser. For real? Yeah. Who smashed his dad's hairdresser? This is what Pesci star it is. It's interesting that there's a phase of a group of Italian men who were hairdressers and it wasn't like a...

It was just like, yeah, that's a great job. Seven. Yeah. God. He's got a great life. Fuck yeah. He plays golf every single day. Every day? Every single day.

Out here, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so. I'd love to, I guess we're not gonna be friends with him now after he kind of tries, I always looked, but. What didn't try, shall we, looks? Well, I was in my head, so. Oh. And I'm sure he heard it.

He's a good looking dude. Yeah. All right, give me, uh, what was the other thing on the list we needed to talk about today? We never got a call back from Whitney about getting us hooked up with Jen Ann. Yeah, I kind of expected that too.

You know, Whitney's really coming off very arm's length with us. And she's definitely not interested in whatever this is. No. You don't think she is for real? I think she actually is. Interested in what? You're not fanging out with her.

Who? Jen Ann. I don't think she is. For real? I don't think she knows about it. Do you think if she knew about it, she'd just go like, yeah, don't give a fuck. Or do you think she, for real?

Yeah. See, that bums me out about her. Well, I mean, I'm just guessing. That bums me out about her. I think she'd be someone that would, I would assume Jenna Branson will watch it and giggle and go, who are these guys? And then someone with a fucking brain on their heads

will be like, actually, they're pretty too funny, pretty funny comedians. They have a podcast called Doobers One Cave that's bigger than fucking friends, ever it was. No, but that's what that person would say to her, right? Right, right. And then she go bigger than friends and they go, by a lot.

Yeah, by at least three times, let's just be a lot. Just someone that's not good with their math. Yeah, yeah. And then she would go, sweet, tell me more about them. All right, okay, I'll tell you what. Okay. You be Jen Ann. And I'll be, I'll be the assistant. Okay. Okay. And I'm going to be like, okay. And now I'm going to sell it to legit. Like I would sell us. Okay. And you be Jen Ann. Okay. Okay. Oh, you're not making so much noise. I'm reading over my portfolio.

I'm sorry. This guy. Have you seen these two guys from two bears? One cave from what? You're going to love this. Is that a gay porn? I'm reading over my portfolio. I'm sorry. Have you seen these two guys from Two Bears One Cave? From what? You're gonna love this. Is that a gay porn? No, no, no. It's a comedy podcast. You know podcasting?

Oh, yeah. Isn't that big in like the Middle East or something? No, no, no. Michelle Obama just got one. Joel McCale's got one. Dr. Shepard's got one. Okay. Amy Schumer's got one.

Okay. Yeah, it is, right? Yeah, I remember, it's like the radio. You almost did a list of my monitors. No, listen, take a look at this clip, okay? This is Tom Scroo and Bert Kreischer. Two very funny guys, they got a bunch of specials on Netflix. And they're doing this segment that I know you're not gonna get it at first, but they're pitching

to come to your house and have brunch. Oh, I'm good. No, no, no, it's a joke, obviously, Joe. Oh, okay. Okay. So I want you to watch it. Oh, yeah. So the thing is, I was thinking I'm gonna go to a room.

Hear me out, hear me out, okay. I think you should do something with them. It's funny, it'll be like, it'll be funny like, South Park when they first started to happen. You know, I have a schedule, right? No, but they come over, we'll shoot it, right? We'll do it. You want them to come to my house?

Jen, do you remember when you didn't want to do Instagram and I put you on Instagram and all of a sudden you had a million followers before the first time it was over? Yeah, but it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, do you remember when you said, I wanna get back with Brad and I was like, don't do it, trust me, it's a wrong move.

He's gonna date that girlfriend, fucking search party. Now listen, Jen, listen to me. I've told you everything you need to know. You should do something with these two guys. They're funny, they know who you are. They are big fans. And I gotta be honest with you. I think they can help you greenlight a movie

that you can direct. You always wanted to direct. Ever since you were on friends, you were like, I wanna direct. I wanna be the first female Greek director. Look, I mean, it's true you don't have really steered me wrong, but to have like two guys I've never met come to my house to have brunch. I'm just saying we need security here for safety.

You can bring security. I think just someone needs a pitch to a right and I know I wasn't the guy right then, but someone just needs to sell it to a right. And this is Whitney's disconnect. Whitney is too far Hollywood. For what? We gotta bring her back to our level. She, because right now it's like,

it's like, you know what it's the beauty about Russell Peters, don't we love about him? Is that he goes, let's call Faes on Love right now. That is very true. Yeah, that's very, very accessible. That's because of the Hollywood. He's fucking straight up Canada. Yeah, Faes on Love takes the call.

Let's talk on the air. That's what we wanted of these guys. That's what we want, what we need to do. Yeah, we want Whitney to be like, takes a call. Let's talk on the air. That's what we wanted of these guys. That's what we wanted to do. Yeah, we wanted to be like, hang on a minute, let me get her on the phone. Hey guys. And she's like, I'm working right now. Yeah.

In a pandemic, I don't think so. Hang on, we'll take it. Get her on the phone, get her on the horn, soft-seller us. I bet Whitney can sell us so well. No, she could. Yeah, and she won't. Right.

Right. And this is what's wrong. But I don't blame Whitney for not doing that. Why not? Because she's like, you know, it's a relationship and she's like, I don't wanna waste this energy. Nope, okay. How many bridges am I willing to burn for you?

A million. More in sap, right? How many times do I call that motherfucker? Cameron, how many times do I, how many times do I, I said, I'm willing to destroy a relationship for you? Yes, yes. That's called a ride or die, motherfucker. I think your wife knows about that.

I think. I understand. I'm not arguing with you. I'm saying that Whitney might not feel the same way about. That's what we need to change about her. Because, because, would you burn a bridge for Whitney? Whitney calls you up like, Hey, can you get me in touch with?

Did it do? Yeah, sure, of course. Yeah, of course, don't care. Yeah. So how are we gonna break Whitney down? Call again, call from your phone. No. Tom, I called Warren, call Whitney.

I know, but I told you that I already called earlier. I called earlier, I did. Yeah, yes I did. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. No, you didn't call real quick, call real quick. Look, look, look, No, you didn't. Yes, I did. No, you didn't call it real quick. Call it real quick.

Look, look, look. I'm not lying to you, man. That's why I don't want to fucking bum barter. Bumbarder about what? Hold on, I'm throwing a rough day for her at all. Oh, one. Oh, one. I bet she's got a generous phone number in her fucking phone. She does. She does.

What's the point of having a phone number if you don't use it? She might want to save it for... When she needs a favor? Outgoing call. See? Mist. We have different numbers. Oh, I got a burner phone.

Hang on, my text are real quick. Are you sure you don't have a second to talk, Jen Ann? She should probably like fuck you, Bert. Eat, Bert. E-e-e-e. You think it's cause we're podcast blew up and now she feels like she doesn't need us. Ha-ha-ha. I bet if Rogan called she'd answer it.

Let's call Rogan, tell her to call Whitney and then let it make us in. Let's wrap up. No, we just started. No, we gotta go. We've done an hour? Yeah. All right, real quick. Let's run through all the, we just started. No, we got to go. We've done an hour. Yeah. All right real quick Let's run through all the stuff we want to talk about Rogan postman on interview. Do you watch it? No, it's great

Like bizarre two of the moral mushrooms and they talking about right up front. It's fucking awesome By the way, this is now four weeks since it happened. So maybe it's not a burning news. Yeah, okay, you want to surf? I do want to learn how to surf. Dude, I'm trying to find this dude, so I don't know if this will work or not. This dude messaged me that he does these like privates at Willow Springs, the race track. He messaged me on.

He was trying it, he was trying it. No, no, driving. Oh, I want to race horses. That, you can work that out too. Do you want to run? Let's race horses. Whoever messaged me, if you race horses. That, you can work that out too. Do you wanna run? Let's race horses. Whoever messaged me, if you listen to this podcast, messaged me again, I can't fucking find it.

I wanted to go to Willow Springs with this dude. I would love to race horses against you. Okay. If you're ridden a horse? I've ridden a horse, yeah. At full gallop? I've had a, I mean, not like a race, but like I've been on a horse that's running, yeah, sure.

I've run at a horse at a full clip. Yeah. It's symbiotic. You like it. It feels like, it's like fucking when you know how to do it. And this is this. It's because what happens is, when you get a, where's Whitney when you need this?

Because Whitney knows about riding horses. You talk about Whitney a lot. No, today, because it's just today, I've never found you. So when you ride a horse, you go into a thing, you go from like a little trot to a canter, right? And a canter is like really awkward, it's really like, it's like,

it's like to watch in two, never mind, two people fucked it, don't know how to fuck it. I was about to use nine different analogies that you can no longer use now, about two people who cannot fuck watching them fuck. And they cannot because they have some type of birth effect? No, no, I was gonna say it because they're

fucking high school or whatever. Yeah, like you can't say anything anymore. It's like watching two freshmen fucks. Just, you go, I don't know what you're doing. What are you doing? It hurts, ow. And so then you go to a canter to a trot I think and then you go to a gallop

and then you go to a full fucking sprint. And when you do, there's a thing that happens where you can see the horse's neck no longer, like so the horse is like this, but when the horse runs, his neck does this and you and all the awkwardness is taken out and you are just standing on your feet and the horse's body is running

and you're kind of just on your feet by yourself just going, holy f**k, it's the grave thing. How fast can a horse run? Like probably a hundred miles an hour? I don't think so. Probably, I'm gonna guess, I'm gonna guess. Okay, I don't like, okay, those are eyes. I'm gonna say,

35 miles per hour. My guess was actually around 45. But I was gonna say 45, but I knew that's how I speak in hyperbole. Yeah, the answer's higher. 55? That's why I've run at 55 miles per hour. You have not. Yeah, I have.

I was on a horse at 55 maximum sprint. I rode a lion one time at 50. Can you imagine trying to run from a lion and it can go 50 miles an hour? That's like running away from a corner. How fast can a line run? 50 miles per hour. Oh, that's what it says there? Fuck. How fast can a human run? Well, there's... Oh, yeah, what am I talking about? I have a treadmill. 9.5. No, what human can run 28 miles per hour? That's probably a disabled.

Yeah, fast as human on earth kind of stuff. But I mean, how fast can the average human have put that in? I'm going to say, you ready? 15 miles per hour. That's the average human cup. I'm going to guess. I'm going to guess. No, it's not 28 miles per hour.

Let's see. Look what it says underneath there. No, underneath is 20. Is 20 miles per hour fast for a human? What does it say when you drop it? It's fast for him our fast for a human. What does it say when you drop it? It's faster, but it said most athletes God, you're how are you so bad at this? Okay, that's a joke answer God it's like his brain is like on a fucking whole other

Wave like I almost it's like, remember earlier, was it this episode that we talked about having sex with the anine just finding her rhythm? I don't remember. Okay, I don't remember. I think it was this episode. Was it this episode? Yeah, I think so.

And maybe we started with that. And by I think so. And then, and that's what Nidav and I feel like. I feel like I'm learning his rhythm. So like when he does that, and he scrolls past it, I go, that's okay. That's no longer my nipple, that's my belly button, but that's fine.

Oh yeah. And you just gotta find his rhythm. And then I'm the person who's like been dating, like, look, the only solution is you got a split their head open with a hammer, find the place, and the body. All right, let's end big this episode. All right.

Should we just kill our drinks? Yep. Should we see if just kill our drinks? Yep. Should we see if, uh, wonderfully answer here. Hinted obvously in here? Uh, I don't know yet. I'll tell you right now. I'll go on life 360.

Oh, not even close. Alright, we gotta go. Right. Two bears, one cave. Two bears, one cave. Two birds, one cave. Let's kill it. I love you. I love you too.

Let's do it. Bye. Boos amateur, photography, dirty jokes, Rancho Humber, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cake.