2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 45 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

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And I put my computer on my knees and it hit my belly and I go, hey, my computer's got like a new way to sit. And George, it goes, maybe it's because your body is changed from what you've done to it today. And I went, oh, yeah, maybe you're right. And so then I felt guilty. So I grabbed a 35 pound kettlebell and did a hundred squats. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's so you're fucking like 14. 100% Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So wow what god damn it

What a day what did you party yesterday? I Talked to you on the phone. You're doing the elliptical and I was drinking a beer. Oh, that's right Yeah, because and I did that this is like the most grown-up Take control of don't let your body follow part move that I've had in a long time. I got drunk as fuck for me. What, you said that, and I went, what were the, give me the parameters of when?

I didn't get drunk as fuck. I didn't get drunk as fuck. I was hung over the next step. I was hung over. So, you know, like everybody, you're, you don't hang out with people anymore, right? This is like our hanging out and we had a couple that came over. We socially distanced.

Famous people? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not at all. No, not at all. But a famous person. No. Jerry Seinfeld.

Yes. So, Cigarian Jessica. Jerry Jessica came over. He was like, wow. Nice pours, Tommy. Nice pours. So. So Jerry and Jessica Jerry Jessica came over He was like wow nice poor storm man nice cars He's like I have a hundred cars and that's up makes me come Hey, like see your search engine So we loop each other up with motor oil and then we um

No, we're hanging out and we watch you know hang out watch sunset, you know So that's right. I forgot you have that fucking house. Yeah, but the way this whole story. I'm thinking of your old house Yeah, yeah, this whole story and then I was like And now I think of this house. I'm like oh No, it could still you could we could do it in any house. We're just hanging out. Yeah, but you couldn't see It's a great sunset from now your new place. You place, you see it, great sunset. It's so funny, you never invited me over. It's crazy. Can I tell you that's one of the things that I,

so not to Trump your story, but I wanna, I wanna book note, I wanna book note something. I used Christina as an example to Leanne with things people say to me, they've heard my feelings, but I don't say it out loud, and I just let it run and I go, and just see you know I got kicked out of someone's house, you know that same night. I got kicked out of someone's house

And I go it builds up on me where it's innocuous It's fun, but like enough of it shows up and then I start going like I start going I'm not a fucking animal Okay, but if if enough of what shows up like enough of these like things people say to me like like like at like one time I was going to your house and I was like, hey, I called you because I couldn't get the address and you didn't answer. So I'm driving there, so I call Christina and I go, I go, hey, I need your address

because I'm not giving you my fucking address. And I went, why? And she goes, you're gonna post it all all online. And I was like, and then I was like, hold on. And then I was like, does she really think I'm gonna post, like I would never post your address online, although I have given your phone number out at times on accident, that's why you had to give a new phone number,

I think. But like, but she said that to me and I was like, okay, and then I went, wait, hang on, I have to have your address, I'm driving to your house. And she was like, call Tom. And I was like, and so I called you again, you answered. You are somebody who I don't feel like you were gonna post my address, but I would be like where are you are other people listening? Yeah, okay

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and so like that Christina can say that to me one time I laugh it off But if other people that I don't like sometimes people don't know me Billy Gardell once said he was inviting all the guys from the Jameson Comedy tour over to his house for dinner and I was was sitting there, and they were talking about going, we were doing Irvine, they were all gonna have dinner at his house. And then drive to Irvine, and I was like, wait, is this like a all thing? And then he goes, no.

And I went, what? And he goes, you're not invited. And I said, why not? And he goes, I can't have you at my house. And I go, why not? And he goes, ah, you fucking rip your shirt off, get in drunk and piss all this stuff. And I'm like, yeah.

And then I go, Well, don't forget you shit the have been puke the over the wall. I did not shit the bed. And date, no, at the end of the day. That's a slump Cincinnati. Yeah. But I said to him, but that's not like, I won't do it and he goes,

I just can't have you over, man. I got kid and I go, I have kids. Like, you know what's funny? Because there are definitely people who you go, this person, like people you like, but you go to my house. No. But you're not that person. I'm not that person.

That's what I'm saying. But I get looped into that person. You can easily be like thrown in the category of don't bring them to the house. Yeah, yeah, 100 bucks. But I would say that you actually are a really good house guest. Amazing. House guest.

Okay, go back to your store. I went here about you getting drunk. So, sign felled over there, spike parents. Yeah, so sign fell jazz. We're like, yeah, and they're like, oh, these are good hard jerks. And then I start drinking in bourbon. And he takes it down pretty quickly. It's a pretty heavy poor. I'm like, all right.

So I go, you want another one? He's like, yeah, sure. So then I pour another one for me. Again, I haven't drank like this in a while. You haven't been drinking at all, right? No, like you just don't, like you don't even have a glass of wine at night. Okay.

I do take my, my, my, my, my edibles, that's it. So, you're an edible last night when you're on the phone with me? Can you see him so relaxed? Yeah. You were like so relaxed. Not an edible, a pill that makes you relax. The Xanax. Guys, they're awesome. They're awesome. They're the best. They're the best. There's nothing better than

Zanex in the world. Some days I just give them to the kids and I'm like let's just fucking chill today, you know. I so badly wanted to give one to Georgia one time because she was having a panic attack and I couldn't get her out of it and I wanted to be like, hey I can say how daddy fixes it. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm're driving back from Miami to Tampa. I'm driving his car and I get stuck in one of the- You give it to him because he's being annoying. Because he's driving us nuts. Okay, yeah. And what it happened was, I got in one of those lanes

where it was like a carpool lane, but they had like sticker, like sticks up. So you couldn't get, you had to stay in that lane and it was super cramped back in my dad's like, no, no, we got to get in this fucking lane! And there was no getting out of it. And it just was terrifying for my dad. So we pull over and give him a Xanax,

and we're still driving, and he's freaking out, and all of a sudden it hits him, and he goes, whoa, is this what normal people feel like? And the idea of the thought of Xanax is what everyone else feels like, oh like Only the lucky ones Fucking Matthew McConaughey, yeah, so you and Seinfeld he's fucking putting down these keys like so He's a couple in and then he's like I can't wait to talk shit about Mario join her We go downstairs and we're we're hanging out and then and I go

You want this do you want something else you want a a beer, and he's like, yeah, a beer. So we start drinking beers. So whatever, you know, it lasts a few hours, but by the time I'm going to bed, I've had two or three bourbons and four beers for me. I mean, from not drinking at all, that's the only thing I've drank in quarantine, dude. Like I've had a glass of wine or two.

So I went to bed, I don't remember my head hitting the pillow. Do you get it edible? No, I didn't do it. Because I lay down, just fell asleep. But I woke up the next morning and in me, I was like, oh, like dragon stomach fucked up, like just feeling like shit. I go, of course, I take like the gnarliest

post drinking shit. And then I feel terrible. So I eat something, I have to go again. You know what I mean when you're like, your stomach's like, what did you put in us? Yup. And then I make the decision to go like, the only way I'm not gonna feel like this

is if I get active and do something. So I go in the gym, I start working out. And that's what I call you. I'm gonna do lipped a cold, I'm gonna lift. Just, here's the thing though. I did when you're lifting feeling like that. Like you're warm up weight, feels like a truck. I was like, oh man, this is not gonna be a good lift.

It was terrible. But yeah, I was fucked up, this is not gonna be a good lift. It was terrible. But yeah, I was fucked up, man. I mean, I felt terrible. I felt the same amount of terrible today. When you called, no, today? Oh yeah, because I go, I would rank loud this night and you go, I'm drinking right now.

Yeah. Leigh-Anne gets me up. I got kicked out of someone's house. Wait, what happened? I don't know, man. Wait a minute. You know what, you know what? What's my sidekick's name, Len happened? I don't know man. Wait a minute. You know what I you know what what's my side kicks name Lenny

Ian no What's my British side kicks name Liam? No, no Lionel Lyle Lyle Lyle I could have used Lyle hold on. Hey, I Mine's got a point. It's got a point. I could have fucking really used liel. Like I'm saying, actually in the middle of it. When I talk to you, I talk to you.

What happened yesterday? So Saturday night. Saturday night. We invited to a friend's house, couple of friends. I have this thing. It's the reason I know to roast comedy. It's the reason I know to roast comedy. it's the reason I know to roast comedy, and it's what concerns me about me losing control

of my anger is I like to say the thing that hurts the most. Like I don't like to, if I'm proving my point, I will then try to make my point so that you never forget those words. Does that make sense? Yeah, I mean, doesn't that lend itself to roasting or no? No, no, no. It's usually like low blows.

Oh, like it's not fake. Cheap, cheap, painful. Yeah, I say certain, I like to do it. I don't like roasts. I like to make grandstanding comments where like, I've done it, I've done it. I do it, I do it a lot. Hold on. I do it. I do it all the time about that one person. Hey, will you just cut the audio out?

I do it about like where I just make horrific, oh yeah, hurtful statements. Okay, to like you I wouldn't do it to them, but I do it to you. And this case I did it to everyone and then and then you're at someone's house I'm not so much. I'll just set it up for me. How many people are there? There are there are four people five people there and myself and these are all adults all adults Okay, and and oddly enough we are fairly socially distance because we're around an island in a table in a kitchen. Okay and I alienate myself from the group and decide I'm fighting every single one of them

and this is how I wanted to go down because something comes up. Like I guess because something comes up about. Remember it was the stuff I was talking. It's a long story, but okay, something comes up and then I don't know what I don't know. I don't remember everything I said. Well, I know as I woke up the next morning, no one I got and kicked out of a house like everyone. I got everyone kicked out of the house.

I got I got I said to the thing that where they said, okay, now everyone has to go home. So were you, I was everything that was wrong with me. Wait, so did you attack some buns? Everything, everything, yeah, everything. Everything. Were you guys arguing up? Did you attack their children too?

Yeah, I did that also. Yeah, I did everything, I did everything. Wait, did it start there because somebody was making like an observation about something or was it a point? It started, no, I wasn't even in it. in it. It started earlier in the night with everyone. Okay. And it started with politics, and I wasn't in that. I wasn't in that. Okay. And then I shared a secret with everyone, and everyone decided to start mocking my secret. And I'm ultimately, if you're talking about

where that started, it started with that, hurting my feelings. What kind of secret did you reveal? I can't. I mean, without telling you secret, I don't wanna give the secret to the internet because they'll destroy me. Okay, okay, but just so that we can,

when you say I told the secret, without giving the secret away, is it that you revealed, is your secret, like I happen to believe something? No, no, no, no, no. Something happened to me.? Is your secret like, I happened to believe something? No, no, no, no. Okay. Something happened to me. And you told the story of what happened to me, trying to connect tissue and instead of anyone thinking that was connective tissue, they just mocked me. Okay. And that's when I, and that's when my feelings, and then I felt, I told the Anna, I felt like everyone was yelling the whole night and she goes, you were yelling. You were

yelling the whole night, you were talking over everyone. And I was like, no, no, no, I told Leanne, I felt like everyone was yelling. The whole night, and she goes, you were yelling. You were yelling the whole night, you were talking over everyone. And I was like, no, no, no, no, I was only doing that because it was really loud. She goes, now, I think your anxiety was tweaked and you were yelling. So I get up the next morning, and I feel horrible, because I'm like, because I wasn't fair,

I wasn't cool, I was like, I was like, everything I hate about me, but I was fucking I was fucking I still buying ground. It's Suddenly and goes hey, we have a meeting at the new house. They're terror is they're starting construction today You need to be there. I don't bring a mask everyone's there. They won't let me in the fucking circle And now I'm starting to go back into like last night I want to say things. Yeah, so I went to the I I have, are you like you guys are Mexican? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no get a beer and I just and I just say I'm just here to pay for it. Lamb makes all decisions and I just let go of it. But then I started a full blown like if my mouth could me to me it would have me toed me yesterday. It

would have been like you understand you started just putting stuff in me and then I got a reward. It was fucking bad, dude. Like, I started with six beers in the morning. Wait, so when I talked to you? It was two beers in. Okay. And I was, I was watering trees, which I love watering trees.

How many beers? At the new place. And there was this really, it was a really tasty Sam Adams that I didn't, it just kind of crept up on me. Er, Cere Nevada, it was a summer out and I was just fucking put down six real, or like before one. And then I get home, Ipt up on me. Ersinira, Sierra Nevada. It was a summer meal, and I was just fucking put down six real or like before one. And then I get home, I woke up eating pizza.

I'm sorry, I woke up eating pizza. Woke up and I had three pieces of pizza. Wait, didn't we do this pizza thing in the morning the other day? I did it, and I put it fried egg on them, and I thought it was breakfast, and I ate three. Then I'm like, five beers in, go back to the house, and we have these tomatoes,

and I just started eating tomato and mayonnaise sandwiches. I mean, Tom, I made a grilled cheese with, I took a, I was like, oh, it's like out of control, it was sincerely out of control. I took cheddar cheese and American cheese, and then mashed them up together in like a blender, so there was like a mix, and then I took white bread and mayonnaise,

then that cheese, three tomatoes, and then more mayonnaise, and then I ate that, and it was fucking so good. It was so bad for me, but so, as I was eating it, it was hurting me, I was hurting me, like I was getting sick as I was eating it, and then Eilik comes in and she goes, hey big boy, how about a BLT?

And I was like, I can make a BLT, so I made a pan of bacon, and then I made me and her BLTs, and at the end, I'm just eating tomatoes and white bread. Now, do you feel physically sick at this point? Physically ill, and I'm drunk, and it's like, fuck, one o'clock. How many beers in there, we need five? Only five, because there's one roadie that's staying in the fridge.

Take a nap, wake up, and Leanne's like, hey, we have to be back at the house. They're starting construction tomorrow. We got to move everything out of that room, and I'm like, I don't feel so good. She's like, honey, look, go to the house, get a cold beer, sit in the backyard, water some trees, and then we'll move this stuff.

I go, okay, so I go to the house, and a beer doesn't do it for me. Now, I heard a story one time that Keith Richards' favorite drink was orange crush and vodka. Now, I don't know what that tastes like. All I know is I don't have orange crush, but I got orange crush. And I make... Wait, you said orange crush, but I don't have dye-dorn crush.

I only drink dye-d, but Ila has regular orange crush, and I made a vodka soda this big. Vodka, orange, orange, orange crush this big. How was that? It went down so quickly. Is that so? Is that a new? Fucking good. The calories were through,

there was 140 calories just in the soda. And then I, and then I made another one. And then I started moving furniture. You felt better. I felt fucking good. I started one, and then I started moving furniture. You felt better. I felt fucking good. I started sweating, right? I feel fucking awesome. That's your body telling you, good job.

And then my body says, don't we have some score bars in the fridge? Murderous score bar. Get the score bar. What's the score bar? No, you mean serious right? Yeah, what's the score bar? Score bar pull it up.

It's so fucking good. It's like toffee and it's like an adult candy bar. They're so fucking good. That? Oh, they're so fucking good. Oh, I thought you had like a meal replacement bar. No, no. Murder that and then fucking Nidav.

Dude, Nidav gets me in trouble. Why? So Island, I one time or at, Island, I write I one time are at... At... ... Island I right aid one time. Island I have impulse problems, right? And I'm mocking the dove about ice cream. To Ila.

To Ila. Yeah. I'm telling Ila, this fucking guy eats ice cream. Can you believe that Ila? What kind of man eats ice cream? She's like, ice cream is so good. And I'm like, yeah? She's like, Dad, if you had Ben and Jerry's ice cream, Ben and Jerry's is like, they do it right. And I'm like, yeah? She's like, Dad, if you had Ben and Jerry's ice cream, Ben and Jerry's is like, they do it right.

And I was like, for real? She was, come on. So we go over an island I buy, two of every flavor that they have at ride aid, and then drive it immediately to the new house and put it in the freezer, because we just have an empty freezer, and so it's filled with Ben and Jerry's.

And then I fucking eat a score bar, and I was like, I wouldn't mind a little ice cream, huh? And I'm like, fuck, yeah. Murder a Ben and Jerry's. Now I'm feeling physically ill, like physically fucking ill. And I haven't even had dinner yet. Wait, is this all yesterday? Is it all yesterday?

Wait a minute. Your day had, your day had fucking 14 egg and, or cheese and tomato mayonnaise sandwiches. I mean, five beers, a couple vodka orange crushes in 24 ounce cups. They are so good. mayonnaise sandwiches, five beers, a couple vodka orange crushes in 24 ounce cups. They are so good. You're not gonna start drinking those regularly?

I might treat myself. Yeah, yeah. Like, have it as a treat, you know? Just, yeah. Like a treat. Just on your like, so good. You're once a month treat yourself. I gave it to Leanne and Leanne,

to guess, by the way, just to be fair, the people that kicked us out of their house came to the new house last night when we were moving stuff and helped us move. So we're good. Yeah, we're good. We're good. Did they bring it up? No, but not at all. No, no, but I, but you know, it's me. You're gonna have to tell me more about this. I will. I will. I will. What's in there right now? Just coffee. Just coffee. Just coffee. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. and then we had dinner. We made the most amazing fucking dinner We are growing tomatoes and we made Fucking tomato sauce out of fresh tomatoes the only thing I've thought about for the last 10 minutes is like internally

Like did your stomach does your stomach just go like so what happened? We only make diarrhea in here. Like, this is how much I ate Tom. I sat down. Have you ever, this is a hard example, but like I sat down last night and I sit Chris Cross applesauce by recliner. I was like, man, I'm a toilet.

No, no, no. And I put my computer on my knees and it hit my belly and I go, hey, my computer's got like a new way to sit. And George, it goes, maybe it's because your body has changed from what you've done to it today. And I went, oh yeah, maybe you're right. And so then I felt guilty.

So I grabbed a 35 pound kettlebell and did a hundred squats. That's so, you're fucking like 14. I did the squats where you squat down and then you go up like this, squat down and go up like this, and then I did shoulder presses, and then I did rows, and then I got in the sauna for 35 minutes,

and then got in the pool. I'm fucking, wait, I'm on, I'm drinking wine now in a sauna, and I'm in the pool, and I just go, I'm going to bed. Yeah, I fucking called it a day. That's a day, dude. You know what, I was, your day. Yeah, I fucking called it a day. That's a day to do it. You know what, those,

I'm sure it's not. Your day was so much crazier than my night. It gets away from me. I was like, I had four beers. Yeah, it gets away from me where I just go, fuck it man, fuck it. Yeah. Like fuck it.

And then I have a day like today where I go, I'm gonna be in control. And then I'm like, I'm in control. I can see it in control. I don't need to eat, I'm not hungry like that. Then sometimes it's like almost like my body just goes like, like I wonder if it has to do with being hungover where my body's like, fuck it, fuck it, we need to be like,

that makes sense. Because think about like, for me poor decisions, right? Like where I go, fuck did I do? Waiting to eat, like wait until you're too hungry to eat. I'm not gonna make a smart decision if I'm starving, right? Yeah. And you're going to eat better if you plan it out, eat it in a reasonable way. So hungover, you usually are like, I feel like shit anyway. So just I don't care.

I want to get control of my life. Like I would love to, like, I would love to be able to see things in small bite size ways of living. I live in such like big to see things in small, bite-sized ways of living. I live in such big fucking swings that I go, I don't know how this is going to sustain. I just, like, all of a sudden my brain just starts to go fucking kettlebells. Bert, everyone's thought about that. This has the same thought as you about you. About me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, how do I fucking figure that out? Like, like, Saturday morning, I wake up. You're the only grown up that I know who I get calls about, about you. What, like what? Like random people. Like random people.

No. Like random people who I know, but I'm not like tight with. Yeah, like Jamie Foxx. We'll call, yeah, Jamie will call me and he'll be like, what's up with your boy, Bert? And I'll be like, what do you mean? Like, he doing all right? Is he good?

I'm like, yeah. And he's like, taking care of himself though. I know he likes the party. And I'm like, yeah, like I get calls like that about you. It's just, but it's just food and booze. Like it's just, it's like the bad thing. But it's not like Coke and heroin and pills. That's true, that's true.

It's just food and booze. And I, like, I don't know how to get, I really don't know how to get in control of food. Like if you said, if you asked anyone what was your one addiction, it's food. I like fuck something about food. Yeah, same, of course. And you go, I go, how do I,

so what do regular people do? Like what is Joe do? Does he just not enjoy it? Well, he's a different body type. He, but he actually is pretty disciplined in that he, he does pretty much stick, like he either is in or close to like a keto kind of lifestyle. Yeah, that dude does a real, yeah, he does a lot of meat,

fat, you know, he does like, but what does he do when he wants something special? He does it, but that's the thing is that he doesn't, Joe has that mentality, you know, this is like, you forget how disciplined that dude is right like from all those Years of martial arts competition. He's a disciplined guy So if he fucking fucks off and has like a ice cream Sunday He goes like in his mind he enjoys it and then he's like

I'm gonna punish myself in the gym tomorrow and then I want to show my days No, but he'll be like, I'm gonna eat right, or he'll go on vacation, he's gonna vacation, gained weight because he fucked off for like a week, but then he will not fuck around like that for a month. Like he actually. See, I woke up Saturday morning and I ran 10 miles and that was the beginning of my,

but it wasn't an enjoyable 10 miles, it was like, punish myself Saturday. Right. So that I can enjoy Saturday night. Yeah. And I just, I don't know, no fucking balance. Yeah. I'm sure you might.

And it's not even like, it's not working. I really think I would enjoy like a rehab light where you could have white wine and weed. Like, but they just worked on your brain, but they're like, I they're my strain on Saturday there Whoa Tom I know that was before I went drinking and everything at night hold on That's really in prep what was the furt what was football? Just throwing it around and right it gives you that like automatic thing

So let's check my side burn 4,300 calories that day. Are you serious? Yeah, and then I drank and ate cheese. I love this fucking zoom, zoom. Whoop, whoop. I love whoop where it's like, did you drink? Yeah, just to get you out of all of them always. Just whistling. You're mad that it's asking you.

Yeah, you're like, yeah, I did it all. Yeah, what? It's fucking burnt. Just. Ooh. Look at my sleep last night. Is that good? 93%.

I didn't see that, where's the percentage? The green one. That's my sleep. Oh, you recovery. Okay, I got you. Recovery. Look, I'll tell you, I slept six hours and 52 minutes. That's my story recovery. Okay, I got a recovery Look, I'll tell you I slept six hours and 52 minutes. That's not that's pretty good close to seven hours I'm trying to find my strain for okay, so my strain on

Saturday was Pretty legit it was a 16 But my strain yesterday was below my recovery, my recovery, look how bad my recovery what yesterday was, that's hung over. Yeah, your strain was a 16 Saturday? It was a 16 Saturday. So I got a big day today planned. I'm gonna run after this and then I got tennis lessons.

You do? Yeah, private coach. Oh, you're getting ready for our battle? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Just keep on rolling, baby. I have a tennis lesson to do for real. Yeah, what are you working on? I mean, it's pretty advanced shit. So No, we just drill and then we play points. So you know, we'll go over like whatever is my first tennis lesson. I played with somebody a Saturday, and then I was like,

Jerry Seinfeld. So I filled my play. Who's the celebrity that was at your house? I just whisper it. Just whisper it to me so I know who it is. No, I'll tell you later. Wait, tell me now, just mail it to me. I'll tell you later.

Do an impression of them. Okay. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Yep, I do. So Tony Danza. Yeah. You could tell right away when you're playing. If you're playing with somebody who's kind of at your level and you've been doing lessons and they haven't, it's apparent like almost immediately. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, did you play the same person that came to your house? No. Different person. A little different person a different person? I Want to talk to you about I Think right, you know, I don't know if this will work the way I think it should But I think one of the things is very big and podcasting because I'm a big podcast fan is

Having a hot take on people getting canceled And so what we should do because all our friends. And so what we should do, so all our friends are getting canceled, what we should do is each give our hot take so that you can just plug it in for anyone. Oh, okay. So like say someone gets canceled, we should do a defending them one and then a,

hey listen, writing them off one. And then that way people can just grab these and then just go Bert and Tom react to, who's ever next okay like Amy Schumer Whatever, you know, so like okay, she's gonna definitely get in canceled You hear what happened over there. No never mind. I won't bring it up So see that's how it starts and then we got to we'll do our cover all Like you by the way, I can't believe we joke about getting canceled

It's my biggest fear in the world getting canceled Yeah, like and because you know you don't know it's coming. Right. Or you do know it's coming and they tell you, just giving you, oh, we need your response to this article. Well, you know, if you get a phone call like, hey, how do you want to respond to these allegations? You're, you're cut. That's why we need, this is why I say we need a private

investigator on retainer. Okay. Like a legit, legit old school like, gum shoe, alcoholic, fucking smoking cigarettes, 64 Cadillac Coupe de Ville, beat the hell, fucking pistol, like, like, like, no, that's what I, we need that guy. Oh, you're gonna waste up.

Bert Tom, I got that report I Did that a research you needed I've been up all night out in semi-valley, you know that guys dead We're like that guy dumb shit How great would it be if we had a private investigator on retainer like I'm talking like actually I'm thinking What if we step it up a little bit right what is we higher a PI? Yeah, no retainer and instead of being like, hey, get us some stuff, we go, hey, ruin these people. I mean, we get to do that.

I mean, so find some dirt on these people, and then leak it to these sources, and let's start ruining some people's lives, you know? I'm... I think that's a brilliant idea. Yeah. Yeah, like we, we, it's not lower up, we PI up. Yeah. So what we, you know who the most fun would be to do

is to get some of these like real mouthy types out there who are, you know, really sharing the opinion and be like, hey, do a deep dive on this person's like college high school days. You know, like when a Supreme Court justice is nominated and then they're like, This is what I'm fucking talking about, Tom.

If we get a PI who just, and we just have a, we just have a, a fucking, It's not gonna be cheap. That's why the new Patreon on that, we said, all right, sorry. Go ahead. It would be, and we just did deep dives on all our enemies and then we had a dossier like you go hey Eddie Griffin was talking shit about you and you're like huh and you go t t t t t t t t t t t

uh let me ask you about that time and Richmond he's like okay never mind you guys good guys good guys because everyone's got dirt on them everyone and that's what that's what's crazy about what happens with online is people, that's why I don't reply to fucking shit. That's a good idea. I don't reply to shit because here's what happens, right? This is what I believe happens. You come out and you reply to shit and then someone sees you for the phone you are,

who knows who you really are, and then they go, hmm, I don't like the way that tastes of my mouth. Yeah. I think I'm gonna take you down a notch. Yeah. You know, it's like, it's like, I'm joking about Amy Schumer obviously, but like what happens was,

she, what, she is the perfect example of the fucking cancel culture going crazy, is that she was this like, comic to all dudes, like dudes, all the New York scene love der, when she first did like the roast, everyone was on her fucking team. And then what happened was she spoke up for an issue she believed in,

which was feminism or women's rights or whatever, but it was like, whatever it was, it went against the party lines of what these bros were into. Yeah. And they went, I actually, we know you better than they do. And we've been watching you.

And for the record, we weren't gonna say shit when you were on our team, but now that you're not, what about Patrice's jokes? What about all this shit? What about the time you said you did this in your book? Or, you know, like, and then they just start lighting or up because you can't, she, and by the way,

I think she has a right to do what, speak about whatever political topic she wants to. But once you start getting into that lane, then all those people that were your fans that don't agree with your politics, then they have all this ammo, because they were your fan. They were your fan, they know everything about you.

Like, I know that I can't turn my back on these motherfuckers watching this and your mom's house people because they have so much dirt on me. Like, and so that's why I don't say politics because if I come out politics why is until I get my private investigator. Yeah, and then fucking.

Hey, here's the thing, I think you gotta get it topped here one. Well hold on, we're gonna share them. Okay, yeah, we're tethered So we need to make sure that we got each other's backs. That's why we get one PI. I have your back I got your I got your fucking back Why are you saying like that? Oh, because it's been tough at times. That's not interesting thing Fucking Garth books people call me and they're like hey man. What's with the fucking thing? Not getting. But it is crazy is that like, that's what,

that's where cancel culture shows up is when you look at a critical. That's why I'm amazed that people just fucking throw in rocks like crazy, just going like, fuck you, like, and you're just like, dude, did you not? Like, where did you go to high school? Like, fucking, you didn't drink and drive a couple times, you didn't like, you know, fucking few pops and,

I just had a vision of hitting someone with a hammer. Oh, you know, skeletons in your closet. Like I just picture you and you said, you have my back, I was like, somebody's fucking with Bert. I'll just hit him in the head with a hammer. Oh yeah, I would get rid of a body with you. I would have to. Yeah, this podcast

is too successful. I bet you know what, too. Like, if we were dumping a body, like the two of us could probably dig a pretty good grave, you know. What would our PIs name be? Because we need, I want to really imagine this guy. Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake's a good one, Jake. Yeah. Jake, it's Burton Tom. Listen, we're up on Mulhound. We gotta probably do that all night. Just wake it up.

God damn it. Bitch, you gotta leave. Yeah. We'll be there in 10. Like real, I wonder if we can get Nick, no, he's not working, right, Nick Nolte? Nick Nolte, no. He could play that guy.

I don't know if he's, yeah, but yeah, what if we, okay, what if we hire Chase Leppopard to, to BRPI, right? But then give Nick Nolte the information to deliver us. Oh, yeah, that'd be a great way to do it. Yeah, Chase will be, because Chase, I guarantee you, if you hired Chase to dig dirt up on people. Sure.

I guarantee you, he would, he's, I don't mean this bad Chase, he's the guy I'm afraid of, right? So you don't ever want to turn your back on chase. For the anyone that doesn't know, Chase is fucking a really great dude. Lives in San Francisco right now he's in a RV touring the East Coast, or I don't know when this airs. But he is like a legit fan.

Chase won the Blackberry promo that we ran. Yeah, he is a legit fan. So the second you like your Blackberry chase, the second you turn your back on him, he goes, oh, I think you're forgetting who I am. Oh, right. I know you're really good. Like, remember, like,

and so all we need him to do is send threatening things to people like, do you remember? Like, but delivered by Nick Nolte. Nick Nolte shows up at, Nick Nolte shows up at, at Matt Bronner's door. It goes, hey, Bronner, huh? And Bronner's like, yeah, why? What's up?

And he goes, I'm gonna, he got any coffee. And Bronner's like, what's going on? He's like, I don't know. I read a woke tweet you posted the other day. Just were going to remind you about Tom's 31st birthday. And he's like, wait, what? And he's like, sit next to Christ. You don't remember that, do you?

Coffee's down. I'm fucking out, throws it in the plant. That's a perfect. Yeah, I'd deliver it Like that I think I think we need a fucking PI Should we do a contest? I don't want milk to a kind of one milk in my coffee god damn it drink coffee black Who puts fucking milk in their coffee look at this son of a bitch? Bert Tom it's Nick Well look at him. Who's younger he was gorgeous? He hit that bottle fucking hard

Look at that's what I'm gonna look at that's exactly what you're gonna look right there. That's exactly what you're gonna look, right there! That is exactly what you're gonna look like. Okay. Right there. Fuck, yes. It's a pretty cool old party guy look. Hell yeah. I think that is a very, what's the one where his hair is all wild? Oh, that's his mug shot.

Is that his mug shot? Yeah. Type in Nick-N-O-T mug shot. Oh yeah, it's amazing. That one. Yeah. By the way, I- Shoof.

You actually have that shirt. I actually have that shirt. And there's a picture right here. I look like that. That's your Halloween. Yeah, Halloween, the so-broctopo one. And I was gonna be like, yeah. Yeah.

Oh god. I actually have that shirt. Who would be the, like, let's put our, should we do a contest for APIs? You wanna, so here's what we want. Okay, let's do a contest. You ready? You wanna run these by me first?

Okay. We want all the dirt you can dig up. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. No, and then we'll get it. Well, he's safe with us, unless he wants to turn his back on us, unless he wants to turn his back on us, and then we take him down.

We destroy him. No. No. Okay. Let's put a pin in the private investigator first, actually. Are there, can you get a private investigator? Can you look up private investigators in Los Angeles? Of course. For real?

Is that really still a job? Yes. Look up private investigators Los Angeles. Israeli. Type in Israeli private investigator. No, no, no, no, no, no, white. White. No, black.

No, black. Oh, black. I want to like a fucking like a like a Denzel Washington. Okay, so it's called, want to be like, are you black and then hang up if they say no. Sunset Boulevard. No, no, no, no, hold on. How much is a private investigator?

How much is a private investigator? Those private investigators are 100 bucks. How much to put one on retainer, do you think? Well, like 50 grand. 50 grand for what? For a year. That's probably accurate. I don't Yeah. Oh

Okay Oh Ten best private investigators the most angels and then what is our mission and then we're gonna be like hey start Just digging up. No, we know it's for it's our first defline of defense. Okay, so When we go so like so like we get a phone call from the LA to it's about an example But we get a phone call from the L.A. to URUS about an example, but we get a phone call from a publication. Washington Post calls us. Okay. And they're like,

hey, this is Will Hobbson. I'd like to run, I have a few questions. I'd like to answer you to answer. And you're like, okay, like, did you gamble in college? And I'm like, hold on a second, what was your name again? And he's like, Will Hobbson. I go, awesome man, I'm gonna call you right back. And then I call up our private investigator.

I go dig up all the dirt you can on Wilhobson at Washington Post and he's like awesome. And so then, and we're like, if there's nothing there, photos out for shit, get it back to me. Yeah, and then you call him back, you're like, hey man, I'm so sorry, I was going through the canyons.

What was your question again? And he goes, did you gamble on sports books in college with a guy named Jeff Harley? And I go, yeah, yes so funny I did just like when you were at Malvern and he's like never mind never mind, never questions right? I like it I like it a lot. It's a line of defense yeah I mean it's just like another option yeah I just want to have all our options out there. Can you go back to that search result real quick? Scroll up more down a little what's that uh hit the link for

scroll down down down uh that first one paramount investigative yeah yeah it's got 34 stars oh my god we start with our wives I want all the fucking I want to dossier on all my wife's past sexual partners let's just look at that guy he looks like a fucking baby. Oh, I fucking like this guy. He looks good. I bet if we just gave him a lot of press, then maybe he'll do some free work for us.

Let's start with our wives. Let's get dossiers made up on our wives. Let's see how good he is. I'm gonna go Leanne Chrysier. I just want a dossier with some pictures of her walking out of a galsons. Like snap, snap, snap, snap, mask off. And I'm like, I go, hey, bitch, where was your mask?

What are the services? What does this say? I can't read it. Advanced surveillance. Okay, let's go, let's go. Offering right available services. We're looking at higher private investors, just like team of individuals who remain

may include larger additional investment than our competitors, our clients receive the assurance of mutually beneficial set. All right, so scroll down, advanced surveillance, utilizing the latest innovative technology. Okay. Okay. Oost climbing out of a dumpster.

Yeah. Um, scroll more. Cheating partner or spouse. Yup. Unsavory individuals, a spreetly expedited, okay. Scroll more. Okay, more. Anything else?. Okay, oh personal injury stuff. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, talk about destroying people Yeah, yeah, I don't think they they advertise are you looking to destroy someone?

I think it would be great You know it'd be great like let Like let's time him start with us. So that we know what we got in our closet. Oh, and he shows you a file and you're like, okay, you're hired, you're really good. Yeah, and he's like, he's like, Bert, you're in your atheir of college. Did you ever, you're like, yeah, I did do that.

This started because I was talking to Leanne about, like, the premise of people making face false claims against you to a publication and then ruining your career. And I said, I think I would lose, I would really actually lose my mind if a false claim was laid against me, I would lose my mind. Like I would be like the future.

I wonder what it's like to have a false claim. You know what I mean? Like if somebody made a false claim to you, a bird masturbated in front of the Richmond funny bone to me and you were like, I didn't do that. And that store was there like, because you definitely didn't do it. Don't you think there's like,

like if somebody said right now today that you came in here and pulled your dick out and everybody was shocked and you didn't do it. Don't you think there's like, like if somebody said right now today that you came in here and pulled your dick out and everybody was shocked and you didn't do that? Don't you feel like, you'd be like, what the fuck but react in a what the fuck way? Because you know, it's, yeah, but I'll tell you what, the thing, it's the whole thing, and not me, I'm not even joking

by making it lighthearted. This whole thing about bird is racist. When that started, I really didn't even acknowledge it. I just laughed. I actually laughed. And when it was played well, I thought it was fucking humorous. And then what happened was, is that when race became the number one issue in our country, that joke was taking a turn where all of a sudden I had to legit start defending it.

And I was like, and it was making me crazy, because it was like, on the day that I posted those black squares, all anyone did was right to me. And I don't know if they were joking or not, but it seemed very serious on Instagram. Like, no, you actually are racist. You are a racist, and this joke is now proven that it's never been a joke. That, and then I was like, hold on.

Like, and then I started losing my mind. So I was like, hold on. And then I started losing my mind. So I was like, I really didn't do anything. And then you're defending yourself against shit. So like I said to Leanne, I go, I would be like Harrison Ford in the fucking fugitive. I was like, if Leanne died, right? Like this is my biggest fear. I've made so many jokes about Leanne dying.

Like so many. Yeah. That if something happened to her, I could not defend myself. Like I would look, I know I've spoken to you about this, but like I have this thing where I, I behave guilty when I haven't done something. I told you this, right?

I behave guilty. If the end is appeared, I would be like, I would be up at the podium, right, by myself, and I'd be like, you guys know I didn't do it, right? And everyone would be like, whoa, who says that, right? Yeah. And I'm like, no, seriously, if I was gonna kill her, that's not how I, this isn't how I do it. I didn't think it'd keep being like, wow, I'd be like, I'm going to cruise ship, everyone knows, you can kill people on cruise ships, and they're like, this guy's, everyone be like, cut him off, cut his mic, cut his mic. So like, that's that's my fear is like that Harrison Ford shit.

Yeah, and my wife. People say that there's, I mean, I've jokes so much about hunting people and murdering them and burying them and chopping them up. Yeah, the thrill of tying them up and keeping them alive. And you know, that like, yeah, somebody, I don't know, even three connections from me happen to have something. I'm sure they would be like,

you definitely did that shit. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my biggest fear for cancel is something happening to me. And then, because I have joked so much about. Yeah, but that's just your brain. Like, you have your jokes, they're like, oh, no, then it happens to work like this.

Yeah, no one's thinking that you actually would do that. If I have a private investigator and then I go, Jake, yeah, Lance, Lance missing, we need her back immediately. The dogs are hungry, the girls have them in fed, like, we need her immediately. Or someone about 10 years younger her then looks like her Yeah, we can do all fish replacement. What happened to the end? She's gone story Jake. Oh, yeah, sass Asians all right I mean he's an old guy

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He says shit like that. Okay, so put a pin on our private investigator. Should have dropped another bomb on the Japs. Alright, I'll get it done for you. Such an example. I'm gonna let him out of internment camps. Jake, Jake, Jake, enough.

Jake, easy. This is a fun character, a racist. But he's gotta be really good at his job. Yeah, he's good at his job, so you can't call him on it. Yeah. Well, you can, but you're just like, you know, he should really, he's like, no, he used to have their own water frowns, it was easier. All right, so. Take, take, take, and he is, I guess you forgot about when you were in high school, huh? A little skit you did with your buddy Blake, where you guys dress up, you're like, okay,

okay, okay, never okay okay okay little picture here a lot of makeup on someone's face I think I'll tell you I think it's funny and shit I love those old menstrual cells alright ah no that's the thing Tommy does it ah I found it funny I bet the Washington Post wouldn't oh sit have fun in Columbus last week, did we?

Did you, you didn't pull your dick out in Columbus? No, but no, I did not, I did not. I don't know when I was aware that dropping your pants in public was not cool, but I know that it's not cool. What about in my hotel room, when was that? I've done that to you a number of times. Yeah, I've done that to you a number of times. Yeah. I've done that to you.

Like I remember one time you saying, if you don't know what Bert's dick looks like, doesn't look like, then you're not his friend. Yeah. Yeah. I remember one time you were naked. You were naked in my room and you had done the talk. So you'd talk to you and you're just standing there posing.

I'm like, I think you got pictures of it. I do have pictures. And then you posted it on Facebook. I did. And that was my first Facebook strike. And then you make it in squatting in a corner. I was like, what are you doing? You're like, I'm just sitting over here.

What the fuck? And then I was like, you're all right. And you go, I'm fucking hammered right now. Oh my god. And I was like, I go, you are? And you're like, yeah, you can't tell. I'm like, no, you seem exactly the way you were. Thanks, Flopper.

I am lucky now that I am so sexually broken. Like I'm not, I can't, I cannot. I could never, and I still can't switch it into sexy mode. All right. Like I could, there there's you will never hear a girl say and then Bert pushed me up against the wall and kiss me Like I had the hardest time kissing girls. Yeah, did if I if I call my buddy Obi right now and I said There's two guys. I knew the other guys names. Bert also all the enough is used, I used to get myself into a corner where I didn't, I said it to Leanne, I was like, if a girl went out on a date with me, I assumed she wanted to find out if I was a cool dude and if you wanted to be a cool dude that you

would then could date her, you shouldn't try to kiss her on the first date because I don't want to put her in a comfortable situation where she has to be like, hey, I just want to dinner in a conversation or I think you're funny or whatever. Yeah. So then I never kiss on the first date, I just want to dinner in a conversation or I think you're funny or whatever. So then I never kiss on the first date. I never kiss on the first date. Really? Never, I've never been able.

I don't know the balls too. Like, for whatever reason, me stopping talking and leaning in is so vulnerable for me. Yeah. That is me uncomfortable. And so, I was like that for a long time.

I mean, like early, young age, I didn't have the, you know, I wasn't comfortable confident enough to do it. I feel like they never confident enough. And I was to the point where my buddy Obu used to joke that I was gay, because I couldn't kiss girls. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, but I just, it's like, not that I respected them a ton, but I just was like,

wasn't there anything like noble? It was just for me, it was like, I'm not comfortable. And I would go out with girls like four dates and not kiss them, because then on the second date, if you don't kiss them, then you're like, well fuck, I'm now I miss my, let's go for the third date. And the third date, it's so uncomfortable, you're like, all right, one more date,

and then four fucking dates. Wouldn't they be like, I guess you don't like me. I guess you don't like me, I guess I'm in the friend zone with him. There's girls, there was a girl who came back to my room, Wouldn't they be like, I guess you don't like me. I guess you don't like me. I guess I'm in the friends zone with him. Yeah. There's girls, there was a girl who came back to my room. By the way, this girl, this happened twice with this girl. It happened again in New York.

She came up to party with us. And it twice, twice I didn't do anything because I didn't, like the first time it was like, we both had boyfriend and girlfriends, like I had a girlfriend, she had a boyfriend and we went back to my place and we hung out in my room and listened to music. And I was like, I was like, I definitely think she was so good. But I didn't, because I didn't, I didn't want to change the way she saw me.

Like because I felt like if I tried to kiss her and she really just want to listen to music, then I could never be her friend again, because she would be like, oh, so that's all you see me as. Yeah. And so I didn't kiss her. And then in New York, we hung out again. And I was like, and she was single and I was single. And I, but she had told me about something that made her seem vulnerable. And I just felt uncomfortable going like, you just confided a secret in me. It would be weird if I was like, oh, that's really crazy. That must have hurt a lot.

Whatever fucking sensitivity I have, it's a reason I'm only having sex with six people, it's for women. But it was like, is insecurity to like, to move forward? Yeah, yeah. It's a fear of pushing forward to the next phase. Yeah.

Is the joke, is like, I used to have to have jokes about grabbing the ends head and just, aw, aw, aw, aw, it's so not who I am at all in real life. Of course. Like, I'm the guy. But that's usually, that's why you can make jokes like that. I mean, I'm kind of the same way. I'll say really crazy things, but it's because I'm not actually like that, that you can joke like that, you know what I mean?

Yeah. I felt, I was ashamed of my lack of being a cool dude. Yeah. I remember one time being in an opportunity, two girls that I knew pretty well, and a famous comedian, and I ended up in a apartment in a house, a party in a room, and that one comedian decided it was time for us all to fuck.

And he took things by the hand so quickly, like it was like that I fucked it up for him, and them, and me, because it made me uncomfortable. What'd you do, start giggling? I started giggling and I go, what are you doing? And he was like, stop, turn it off. This is gonna happen. And I was like, no, I don't think I can make it happen.

I was like, oh my God, wait, are we? Wait, was he like, what are you doing? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. do an impression of him. No, no, no, no. I mean, was he like, hey, no.

He was like, oh, I want to do an impression of him. I'm so glad. I don't know how to do it anymore. I can't. So he was like he like damn like that No, he took his shirt off and started rubbing his nipples. He's like come on bark take it out like that He was like he's like oh Oh, bro Is that He's like come up, but

That's No keep going on tell you what he said. I don't know. He was like Stop talking they're gonna be asleep in a second Oh my god, but yeah, I fucked up that for some I'd really like to know who this is. Oh, be curious. Wouldn't be cool. Bird top laugh.

Hey, bird is Todd Glass. Oh, he texted me the other day. Yeah, yeah, I forgot. Todd Glass texts are always the funnest fucking texts. What do you say? I don't know, I'm gonna read it. You like reading it now for the first time? No, because you know it's not serious.

Yeah. It's Todd Glass being funny. What does this say? Apert! I really enjoyed listening to your episode about comedy during this pandemic and hearing the other side of it. I hope you're having fun. It's fun as you can be especially

You stopped reading it. It is other part of series. Okay. It was like I year in my short of me and what's your What's what episode about comedy nothing? It's joke that my podcast were about the same fucking thing Oh joke that my podcast were about the same fucking thing. Um, I can't even be like sexually and charge with the amp. Did I remember you just sparked a memory? I remember I was got I got together with this girl in college and as we were like getting naked and

getting closer she goes I don't suck dick. I was like, boo and I don't listen. Yeah. No, I was I was like, boom. And I don't listen. Yeah. No, I was just like, oh, especially if you're a bad took up. For someone to say that, you're like, well, then it seems like you're not that much fun. Yeah. Yeah, I was just like, oh, you got a pretty big bush.

I'm not that into that either. Yeah, what's a weird fucking thing to throw? I don't suck dick. And you're like, right away. Cool, me either. Yeah, I was like, okay, well don't think that I'm gonna rush to do you any fucking favors. Yeah. By the way, Dr. Drew's wife has increased the amount of game time my dick has gotten in mouths exponentially. Really? Like, strangers?

No, just the expo, nentially. She... I... it sparked a conversation that has changed fucking everything. So, like... I don't know the right way to say this, but like, I explain to the end, hey, I don't need the right way to say this, but like, I explain to the end, hey, I don't need to just finish in your mouth. Like a little bit of, a little bit of that

goes a long way. Just especially like, to start off. Four play. Yeah, a little four play. Yeah. Cause what it does is it just wakens up everything down there. As opposed, when you have straight in raw dog, your dick's kinda like wake up a little bit,

like it gets the sleep out of it's like, hold on one second, is this a fucking put- Oh, we're already coming! Also, we're not like spring chickens. I mean, like it gets a sleep out of it's like hold on one second Is this a fucking put- oh we're already coming! Also we're not like spring chickens, I mean like it is a little star with a little something like yeah Yeah, yeah, can you tickle my taint for a little bit or- Get me ready to go as opposed to my dick going hold on my back's out oh fuck yeah So uh- I'm up here man. It's stretch a little bit. I'm telling you man. It has gotten Every time starts off a little

downstairs. Nice. Every time it's great because you get to like as opposed to like you get to relax and now it's about you and you're like Worship my temple Now it's about you I can't stand like this. I can't put my arms like this when she gives me a blowjob. She gets upset. You really? Like if I put my hand like this like Superman. Oh, yeah, she makes them put like this. Oh, I like to do this in bed. Well I'll go like this and she's like what are you like fucking like the 19 are you like oh, Ratch? Rampage me I do the hyzen I

Like I remember one time I like it. I remember one time getting a blowjob when I was drunk and I passed out and I just started snoring. Just, while you're getting blown. And she was like, are you fucking serious? And I was like, that's why I need to sleep out. And you're asking, Dr. Drew is gonna hook me up with a sleep out knee mask.

Told you this is good man. He fucking jumped on it dude. He's like a legit doctor. Yeah, cause he doesn't want you to die. Like that's actually like the highest probability of you dying, like in this next window of time is in your sleep. He's coming over Wednesday and giving me a full exam. I got to pay for the mask myself, I think.

I don't care. I just, I'd rather pay for it. Pay for it and get it. Yeah. And what if he, like, what if he, and his exam, I just start losing weight like crazy? No, he examines you and like, he's like, touch my dick. Oh. I touched it.

You know he's got a fucking hog. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, he's like, I close your eyes. He's like, what's this on your nose? And you're like, what? He's like, no, what's this? I'm putting on your nose.

He's like, hey. What if he's like, all right, I'm going to test your reflexes. And he just grabbed your head and starts sucking his dick. And you're like, oh, ah, and he's like, your reflexes are off's like, all right, I'm gonna test your reflexes. And he just grabbed your head and starts sucking his dick and you're like, aw, he's like, your reflexes are off, okay? Hold on, stay down there. I wanna see how good you can tell if I'm gonna come. Okay, this is a reflex test once again. Oh, all right, your reflexes aren't that bad.

I have better than I thought. He's like, and here's your mask. Good doing business with you. And he walks out. Jesus. Wait. He's not putting in books. You're the B-man

You have other nicknames we were talking about nicknames. Oh, I've had nicknames my whole life. Yeah, yeah Hey, what's the football player? There's a football player his name's a pancake robot pancake pancake robot Pantcake robot. It's a great fucking nickname Sounds like an O lineman kind of nickname is it yes an O lineman who pancakes people Yeah, what's his name? No, it's pancake blocks, but Pancake robot is that his name? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Quentin Nelson the pancake robot. I just thought it was such a cool fucking nickname Is that him right there? Yeah the pancake robot. I just thought it was such a cool fucking nickname.

Is that him right there? Yeah. And by the way, I just realized is it about laying people flat? It's not about eating pancakes. Yeah, pancake people in football is when you lay in. Oh, it's so funny. I thought it was- Is there a clue with him?

Can I tell you that I sincerely thought it was him in an apron and tidy, why these baking pancakes like crazy? Really? I swear to God. Can you make it bigger? Is he 78? I don't know.

Oh no, that's him coming over right there. Oh, he's taking someone. Yeah. He's the one coming across. You're gonna see flattened a dude out I think We're not I think we're on the wrong highlight No What number is he 74 56 What number is he 74? 56 Yeah, that's such a different nickname than I thought it was gonna be you can close this now God

So if you type in that guy on YouTube, I bet we'll get a highlight reel as opposed to yeah, that's so funny You knew that his nickname was about flattening people. Yeah, pancakes, pancake blocks. Yeah. I thought it was about eating and making pancakes. And it made me like him so much because I was like, I bet he's funnest. Well, looking at him, he probably does eat. You can, I would do highlights. Jesus Christ. Okay. That's Pancake Block.

Let's see it. Go to... Oh, I'm fucking hungry Tom. You hungry? Looking at that, Carl's Jr. What's that called? The Carl's Jr. Monk? By the way, that ad worked really well. Now you...

Yeah, there are ads that do that should work We should do our own ads for people make this big Is he 56 Yeah, there he is right there. He's the left guard I love that he just threw and he's pretty good. By the way, I bet he's so much fundee chicken wings with. Oh yeah. Hey, we should get some O-Line men. That's a, that's a pancake right there.

Do you see that block? I didn't see that. Okay, so he busted out to the left linebacker here. Watch. So he, he goes the standing outside linebacker there. He's gonna shift to the left and just... Oh, blah! Yeah.

Yeah, but I could do that if the guy wasn't looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could definitely do that. Yeah, like, oh my God. Yeah. I guarantee it really sucks to get hit by this dude. Pancake robot. Now that theme is so different.

So, what's this this if he's gonna run he's gonna crush somebody yeah yeah he's killing people so what is this can be so much fun to do with Warren's app oh fuck oh especially I cannot wait for him to be like there's a bitch like I want him to be like he ain't shit I'm so excited for the trash talk from him and like the insight that he like he brings like awareness to us about like things going on plus all the I'm so excited for the trash talk from him and like the insight that he that he brings like awareness to us about like things going on plus all the locker room shit, you know, that's what we need to add to this show I was just when we find a player we like we give him a nickname. Yeah, yeah, yeah Like pancake robot. It's so funny. I really thought of him in an apron no shirts tidy wideies making pancakes

You know what's their name, right? Killa? It was? Yeah, Kubi Killa. Kubi Killa, I used to call him with that. Yeah. What are good NFL nicknames? Wait, what were your nicknames?

I have a million, Edward Penis lips. Yeah, why? Because there was this porn called Edward Penis hands. I remember that porn. And they used to put, when I was a pledge, you know, I understand this is a atrocity now saying, a lot of things I did when I was growing up or that happened to me, I realized now we're totally illegal.

But they would put me in a box under the television, where there was like a built-in for the television and so you could get behind it and get under it. And the sleeper they would put the VCR, you know, like that little door that would open. Yeah. They would just put me in there during hell week. And I would, they would turn the porn off. And I would, I could see the porn in the, in the reflection of the thing.

And I would comment on, I would be like, I would do the voiceover. And one of the ones was Edward Penis' hands, and I couldn't understand what it was. And then when they showed his penis hands, I started laughing so fucking hard, and everyone else started laughing, and we were all laughing, that then they called me Edward Penis' lips,

was my nickname. And I had big lips. These two passed me around by my lip, which I know is a no-a-hey crime. They were just fucking crying on a lip and moving me around the house. And your lips are also big and voluptuous and gorgeous and great to kiss.

That's sometimes they're like, but sometimes I leaned into the fact that they're big and I would kiss like this, I just go, little, little, little, little, little, little. I bet chicks like that. Yeah. And then I was a nature boy in high school. The B-man, I give myself the B-man,

my second sophomore year the be man That one stuck be man be man. I've be man kills it was what I just you see out parties. Yeah, I just get drunk Go be man kills it Bertrood McFuzz Wait What did that nickname my daughters have given me I started called you Bertrand a long time ago. Yeah. And then Bart, barf, burnt, barf, but barf was his stock. Burnt was the best. Burnt is the burnt Chrysler. We were at a cowboy ranch and the guy, and there was like a

fan there was it was it was recently, it was my family and then another family. And then and that's all we own. We had the whole dude ran us to ourselves and so there's this guy cowboy Dave and he said something about they some of the kids said oh dad can play the guitar because he had a guitar and he was like oh is you're dad a musician they said no he's a comedian and they were like oh and then someone said oh he's like a famous comedian he goes oh what's his name and they told him so then he wrote a song about me and he fucked my name up and he goes, oh, what's his name? And they told him. So then he wrote a song about me, and he fucked my name up, and he called me Bruce. And my kids were crying laughing, and they called me Bruce

the most the trick. That's so funny, because it became like, I feel like after a burnt, and I would always be like, I was hanging out with Bart, with burnt, I would always miss, miss pronounce your name. It became like a meme to say the wrong name, because then I felt like already started to say Brad, and like, yeah, and then so when you talk to Warren that for something he's like hold up

Brett I was like nah I thought he was so much I thought he was actually doing the joke for a second no but then he called me Tony three times and I was like oh I'm not phone he's like Tony let me tell you something hold on man. I'm not He uh, yeah That has been burnt has been burns my favorite burns a good one burns good Brent All the different variations of them are good Bruce made my kids laugh the best was that when what for Burt was when they would throw it on a marquee. Like when the venue's got involved with the joke?

Well, you know what's so funny is that would make me laugh the most because you knew that this someone was a fan. When we were doing the drive-in movie theater tour, the first run of them, all the guys that worked at Hotbox were fans of the podcast. And they put up a sign fueled by 30 years of Coolade. 47 years of Coolade on the fucking marquee. Those made me laugh hard as fuck. It's, yeah, I don't really, I've had a, I look calls me fetus now, is my new nickname.

Fetus? Yeah, it was, I was upset that they weren't calling me dad. They've never called me dad, really. And she started calling me Fuffie. And I was like, don't call me Fuffie. That sounds like a something jerk off in prison too. She was like Fuffitas and I go, don't call me Fuffitas. She goes, I'll just call you Fetus.

And then she changed my fucking, if you look at my, I can't damn it. If you look at my Netflix, yeah, this is fetus. You're gonna look watch, when you log in, you get to pick what one you wanna be. Yeah. Oh, I guess to make a profile.

I'll go in. Leanne, Eila, fetus. That's not even how you spell fetus. Yeah, well, she's also just like sick. Yeah. I like that. We're not having through Texas, are we? Ellis will be like, hey, jerk.

And I'll like, don't you call me a jerk. He's like, sorry, wheat. Like, what'd you call me? Wheat? Yeah, he's like wheat. I was like, was that me? He's like, nothing, snake. And I'm like, he's like, can I call you poop?

And I'm like, sure. Can I tell you, I must have watched Christina singing to him a million. I got one you do. Yeah. Oh, please play it Yeah, can you send it to Nadav and have him play it? Yeah, I can oh that makes me laugh There's nothing better than parents fucking with their kids What what did I tell what was the lie? I told my girls the other day and I didn't And I let it go. I just did lie I told my girls the other day and I didn't and I let it go I just did it yes to the other day Oh, I love fucking with kids What was it?

My singing is terrible. Well, let me try Proud to be an American. I don't look anybody's. But I'm trying to sing for you. No I don't want any. America. I don't like it. But I thought you like music. I love it! But I thought you liked music. I don't. You're always playing music on your record player. What do you mean you don't like music? You like music. But I do it on my record player.

No. No people music. Not people music? You don't like what people sing? What if it's a nice song? No, I just like sponge my song. You just like sponge Rob's song? Oh my god. I can sing that one for you? No. Sure I can.

I want you to. Who lives in a... Stop! I want to see his fucking little face. Stop! Stop! Why does he hate singing so much? I don't know, but he does hate it. You don't like that one?

Alice, you don't like that? SpongeBob song? Thank you. Okay. Yeah, I want to sing. You don't want me to sing it? Can we sing it together? This is amazing.

Please? Not that either. No. No. When can we sing it? We can't sing. Why? It's not that easy.

Well, can we sing like together a song? No we can't. I have a very nice voice. I'd like to sing for you. You're fucking just meddling him. Do you think I have a good voice or not? I don't. I don't. You're a better voice.

I need a better voice. How would you describe my voice? Take a new mouth and do more singing Okay Thanks, man You don't want to change my mouth like that. You don't want to change my mouth? Why not? I like it. In 1000s.

Oh, thanks buddy. Turn right. Yeah. That's so interesting. Why did he start hating singing? It's always been like that. Anytime if we're happy, birthday, he's like, stop it.

But he's just fucking. Yeah. Oh, actually, you know what it started with? When you have, I don't know. I guess when he's speaking, right? I don't know. He's a little over yeah. Oh, actually, you know what it's start with? Like when you have like a, I don't know, I guess when he's like speaking, right? I don't know, he's a little over a year or something. When you're just like, you're rocking your kid and you're like, has my beautiful, but he'd be like,

shh, you're like, really? Yeah, cause you think like, you know, oh, I'll just like sing to my child. So was, were you like this at all as a kid? No. Was Christina? More so I think, yeah. Really? I can see that. So was, were you like this at all as a kid? No. Was Christina? More so, I think, yeah.

Really, I can see that. Yeah. I can definitely see Christina having parameters on a lot of things. Yeah, I was a, I was a, I was a child. Yeah, I was a sweeter kid. So is, is, is Julian more like you?

Yeah. And then Ellis is more like push. And physically too. I want a fucking hangout with Ellis. I just want to, I want to, he's a lot of fun. I want to, I bet he is. I want him and I like I think would get along very well Yeah, oh yeah No, he's a good time. He really is a lot of fun to be you know what I want to do

I want to set it up so that we say Hey Like you bring into my house and then meet we get George out of the scene Julian I've seen me when push the land just go, we're going to go out to eat Ila. You're going to watch Julian for a little, or Ellis for a little while. And just watch it on the Nest Cam. Just watch the two of them try to fucking cohabitate. Oh, yeah.

And then just right before we leave, go, he loves when you sing to him. Oh my God. And if you could like tell her like, hey, here's some shit we're going to break. He'll be like, yeah, that'd be a lot of fun. Anything you can break, ruin, he really is into that. She, Ila pulled out, like when the girls were babies, we'd kiss them on the lips, and then Ila was the first one very young, like, I don't like that shit.

You don't kiss me on the lips. Yeah, I like that. And I was like, okay. And then, but Georgia was up until like ninth grade. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, that's really old. No, no, but Georgia. Some families do that.

Some families kiss my dad on the lips. I think up until I was in like high school. Really? That was because we could tell if I was drinking or not. Oh, yeah. He'd be like, why don't you come up there and give me a kiss. That took a real sad turn. Yeah.

He was like, yeah, we had a kiss, monolips every night, four, went to bed. I did come home, and you just fucking brush your teeth aggressively. Yeah. That's when I was brushing a lot. High school just, he brushes his teeth. And he's in your mouth. I bet that he started to put together that if you brushed your teeth, you had been drinking, right?

If he was like, oh, crest, that's fucking booze. Yeah. And then I come home with tons of Draquard noir. Oh, yeah. And my dad's like, a lot of gloom tonight, buddy. I was like, ah, you know bitches. And he's like, ah, I know. My mom would be like, oh, what?

Remember when you thought, I thought that Draquard noir, and when I was in middle school, I was like, that is the smell of an elite man. Oh. That is the nicest smell that exists. I looked for Dracarnoir and I looked for the best smell I've ever had. Obsession. Obsession by men. Obsession for men. Good obsession also. I've been obsessed. Obsession smelled so fucking good.

To this day, I think I'm always looking to smell like obsession. That? Obsession for men? Yeah. It was such a fresh. The deodorant I got now is phenomenal. What is it? It is, it smells like jolly ranchers.

I like nice smells. Like I like, I got nice body wash, a nice aftershade. I like fresh, I don't like musk. But I don't like, like, cologne,shade. I like fresh. I don't like fresh. But I don't like like Cologne so to speak. I don't wear Cologne. I wore Cologne to first Sebastian show in at the forum. You wore Cologne for his show? Yeah, because I told him I was like, yeah, I'm dressing up.

I kind of said I dressed up. I like, what would you wear? Like I had like a college shirt. Tight fitted collar shirt and I opened it to here. Really? Opened up a lot of gold chains, like nine rings. And they're like, how do I look? Hey!

And this is a bass, it's like, he's smell good. And I was like, yeah, yeah. I actually texted him and told him, I'm wearing a Cologne for your show. That's cool. I had an asthma attack. I couldn't breathe, it was like so aggressive. What was it for the show?

It's, I didn't pronounce the clone right. Oh, somebody sent me one. A clone? Yeah. Savage. It's a clone. Savage. Who's, that's a, it's a, I don't know,

sent it to me. What is it? Deor. Okay. It's Savage. Sw it? Deor. Okay. It's Savage. Swage. Swage. Salvage.

Yeah. Salvage. Salvage. Maybe I need to add a little more. Here's the thing about the clone though. And anytime, like if you don't have it on, a guy wearing a clone for me, I'm always like, Jesus Christ man, like it's so aggressive.

It doesn't like feel subtle in the slightest. It never feels subtle. It always feels like it's so aggressive. It doesn't, it doesn't like feel subtle in the slightest. So it never feels subtle. It always feels like it's overwhelming. You want Cologne to be like, if you go in to give the person a hug, you go, ooh, right, right. But not like you're in the elevator and you're like, pfft, fuck's wrong with you man.

What the fuck's wrong with this Uber driver? Yeah, you're getting an Uber and you're like, Jesus bro, do you not? I think you might have COVID. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. not? I think you might have COVID. Yeah. I mean, that's, what did I say? That's a person in any community. I said, I said one time I said,

I didn't wear a clone tonight. Bade, you like color? But luckily my Uber driver put on enough for both of us. You want, you want mint, you want fucking want, you want, you want, fucking, dracar noir? The best is when you can get an Uber driver just to talk, and reckless shit about people. Oh yeah. Just start, like, just throw up your races and general.

About women, just women drivers. Yeah. Just, yeah man, I don't know, man, I don't think women should be driving as you be. Hey buddy, I tell you right now. Yeah, that can't. Yeah. In my country, cut their hands off. Yeah.

Wave them in their face, talk to you. Ha ha ha. All right. Ugh. That was a pretty good episode. That was fun. Yeah. That was a fun game.

We've, we've, we've, hopefully we'll get a PI out of this. I really hope that a PI reaches out. Yeah. I would love someone that's just like, I'm assuming right now you're on the road. Well, as we, as this airs. Yeah, I'm on the road. Are you doing dates on the way back?

I don't think so. You haven't decided yet. I haven't decided yet. I don't think so. Just come home, dude. By the way, if one of these Hollywood P.I. companies, we can just trade out a straight up. What did I call it?

A retainer. We got one P.I. Probably give us like a young one. I want a young one fucking reckless. I want crazy Like I want fun. Yeah that kind and then and we'll just every that we'll just put little banners every now and then we'll pop up on our YouTube And we want fucking dirt dirt. We're gonna run. We're gonna fucking start off big and get you guys to dossier our wives Mm-hmm And I want to just and then the staff and then the staff when we went dossiers on the staff, I want, but I want like, you know what?

I would like, I would like inside, like they're like, just give you call heads up. The dog went to burking twice yesterday and you're like, for real? And they're like, yeah. And then you, and then you can just be like, just drop it on him so he knows we got eyes on him. Just like, how is that chicken sandwich? He's like, what are you talking about? How did you know you got a whopper?

Yeah, just, I would love dossier. Toss it milkshake, really? And then what's our first comic we're gonna dossier? It's gotta be someone fun. I would mind a dossier on a... Oh, we dossier, Ari. Yeah. Well, that guy might be like, you know I have to turn this over to prosecutor. They're perfect way down this episode.

Alright, love you. Love you too. Bird time, time and bird One goes top and swap the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur Dirty jokes, rotten humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave