2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 47 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & LeeAnn Kreischer

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

SPONSORS: - You can try ShipStation FREE for 60 days when you use offer code CAVE. - Get your first visit absolutely free at ForHims.com/bears - If you’re a homeowner, head to Policygenius.com right now to get started and see what weirdly specific amount they could save you - Go to hellotushy.com/BEARS to get 10% off your order -Download the DraftKings app and use code BEARS to get a free shot at millions of dollars in prizes with your first deposit! - Go to Whoop.com and enter “BEARS” at checkout to save 15%. Bert Kreischer is out for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, but his wife, LeeAnn, joins Tom Segura in his place! LeeAnn weighs in on many of Bert's most outrageous 2 Bears moments. She reacts to his barehanded wiping, lends her opinion on his food intake, analyzes some of his many "Bertisms," responds to Bert's comments about their sex life, and more! She also reveals information from Bert's youth that is new to Tom and the 2 Bears audience.

Leanne caught me picking my nose and eating it once. Oh yeah, yeah. What the fuck are you doing? And I was like, how repassed the honeymoon phase. How often are you seeing this? It's pretty often he goes in phases. It comes and goes. Like he'll get into a phase where he's doing it all the time.

I'll go fucking burnt. You're going to be in a meeting and not realize you're picking your nose and eating boogers with like the head of NBC. You have to stop doing this. 100% Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-b bears one cave. I'm really excited to actually get to speak this episode. My usual co-host is gone and I have the most lovely replacement. His beautiful wife, Leigh Ann, the wife of the party. Everyone's had, listen, there's a whole, there's like a better morale here.

Without Bert. Yeah, of course. You know, as I've always said, he casts a wide weight. Yeah, you're so right. So you're so right. But we should point out something. The two of us, I would say, the two of us really on different levels obviously love him and understand him to a degree that many people don't. Because I do adore a bird. I love him. Same here. Yeah. And I think sometimes it makes him feel bad because I'm always talking about the negative because there's so much of it. But it doesn't mean that there's not almost an equal amount of positive.

Almost. Almost. Yes. So, yeah, he's a great person. He is. He's a sweet guy. And like I said, there's a certain, you know, with a bunch of people, there's certain people where you go, you know, some, like of people, there's certain people where you go, you know, like certain people

really click with other people, right? And sometimes, sometimes you meet those people like a certain person and you'll be like, man, something just doesn't work for me here. And you realize that somebody else really understands them. You know, I feel like we have a similar thing. It's obviously it's your spouse,

but it's, you know, one of my best friends. And I feel friends and I feel a deep connection with him. It's mutual. He loves you two pieces. I mean, every piece in part of you and push, but it's different when you have a friend. You know, birds friends with a lot of women. I guess grew up with two sisters. He's very chick-friendly in that way, even though a lot of his rhetoric doesn't sound like it is. Sure, sure doesn't. It doesn't, but at his core.

I mean, you know how many emails I get from two bear one cave episodes? Yeah. It's like, why do you let him talk about banging all these hot chicks' possibilities on the road, and I'm like, seriously? First of all, can you imagine trying to stop that? Uh, a, that conversation.

Dereified of disease. Yeah, yeah. So all of it is just complete bullshit. Yeah. So I don't care. Yeah. He ain't going nowhere. No, no, no.

Could you imagine what he would do without me? Well, we're going to get into that. Ha, ha, ha. You would, I would say to you, you're welcome because he'd probably moved to your house. Yeah, yeah. What do you do? I mean, what do you think he would do without you? Well, you know, when I had that fall recently, I had this fall and I ended up in the hospital.

So, you tell people what happened though? Yeah, I got up, I was walking to let the cat out really innocently. I mean, I was fully awake, I thought. And I got almost to the door and I just thought to myself, wow, my head is moving faster than my feet. And then I hit the floor, like I hit the floor with my face.

And so, and I'm so dumb, because I hit the floor, I didn't wanna wake my kids up. Bert was obviously out of town. And I cleaned myself up. I knew my chin needed stitches because I couldn't get it really to stop bleeding. It was kind of open. So I just like banded it back together.

I was like, nine a.m. meeting with a contractor. Gotta go put my mask on. Did my meeting with a contractor? 10 a.m. I got, I got to work out with my trainer. Worked out at 10 a.m. And my friend Sandy who works out with me was like, what's going on? Something's wrong. And I was like, yeah, I fell bust my mouth open.

I kind of passed out while I was walking and she was like, hold on. You need to go to the hospital. I was like, no, no, no, I didn't realize you did all this before you went to the hospital. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I fell at six and I left for the hospital at one because I was like, I had to take the dog to the hospital. Oh yeah, oh yeah, I fell at six and I left for the hospital at one because I was like, I gotta take the dog to the bed. I put my chin back together, it's gonna be okay. I just gotta get from A to B.

And I had been on this kind of, I gotta get from A to B. Yes. A train for many, many months. So I think what really happened is you know when you go, go, go, and then you go on vacation and you get really sick because you finally slowed down.

You've really slowed down, yeah. I think that's what happened. Sure. It's that we had been go, go, going for so long. So much stuff going on. Yes, and you know, I have a whole big platter of stuff that Bert doesn't even know exists. And then I deal with the platter of Bert.

So I have lots. It's a big platter. It's lots of platters. It's a lot of juggling. So I think once Furt went back on the road, kids went back to school. What kind of relief do you feel when he goes on the road? You know what stresses me out the most about birth when he's home? Is that he is really messy.

And so I spend my day kicking size 13 shoes to the side just to walk through my house all day long. And the dishes never stop. And especially in in COVID he was like no cleaning person as as much as I didn't enjoy my cleaning person in the first place I haven't had one since March. So because he doesn't want anyone in the house. Right. So it just made it just that stresses me out. Yeah. Just the extreme. It's so bad that my cleaning lady would show up and go, Bert's not home this week.

You should just tell. It's from the front door. Like you can open the front door and go, okay, he's out of town. Wow. Is that different? That's the one thing that really, when he leaves, I'll spend like half a day getting my shit in order.

And then I'm like, oh. And then you have that piece or that clarineness for the time that he's gone. Yes. Except for cut. Now you just had a birthday? I did. Yeah, a bird made mention of it, clip number one.

Oh yeah. Yeah. You can see what this looks like here. See, call me an old hag. Get like an old bitch like I got. Take a note of force. She knows me an old hag. Get like an old bitch like I got. Two. Two. No divorce.

She knows her place. Yeah. 50. She does what she needs to do. He's so full. She told us. So you know what? You just ride along.

Yeah. Okay. So I'm in the hospital. Uh-huh. Right. Getting myself checked out. Yeah. He's calling my friend Sandy and he's going,

what am I going to do without her? What am I going to do without her? I mean, what if she dies, Sandy? What if she has a brain tumor, Sandy? That's it. Me and my kids are moving into your house. You have two bedrooms extra. I'm moving into your house. You got me. I'm yours. I mean, like, and Sandy was like, first of all Second of all she's gonna be fine. This is fine. He wasn't doing that with me He was staying very calm with you, but with Sandy. He was coming like crying really he was coming totally undone Wow and Sandy was like just so you know

Nothing can ever happen to you because he's not living with me. Well, I do think he would follow apart completely with that idea. Oh, I do too. You really hold it together for him. I agree with you. Yeah. Oh, God, what now? The old bitch holds it all together.

The old bitch holds it all together. Wondering if you ever really keep track because when he's on the road, we discuss this on the phone recently about how it can really fall off the rails on the road for him. I think this recaps a daily intake of him for him of food. Oh, lower. I think so. So I made the breetos, I then went back in bed and went on my phone and scrolled, Leanne came home and was like,

what are you having for lunch? And I was like, I haven't eaten yet. So we had Chinese food for lunch. So I had a moushupork burrito. And then, and then I think I didn't need again until dinner. What was dinner? Pizza. The homemade pizza. What kind of pizzas is that?

One was with onions and mushrooms, one was with pepperoni, one was with bacon, and one was with cheese. What do you mean, how many pizzas do you have? Four pizzas and I ate one of everything. And French fries. And some beers. And beers.

And beers, please. Three beers for Sam Adams, beers. Glass of... But he didn't need anything between. Right. And another glass of buffalo trace. So, three beers, two buffalo traces and a bottle of wine. Two buffalo traces and a bottle of wine.

And then, what about Kool-Aid yesterday? You didn't mean Kool-Aid? Oh, okay. I'm pretty sure you have probably two of these. A gallon of Kool-Aid. Yeah. In the sauna. Is it bad that I know exactly the day he's talking about?

No. I know exactly that. I know exactly the day he's talking about. That's so much. It's every day, dude. Every fucking day. Actually, you know, hearing the intake actually makes me go, well, he's really actually holding it together much better than I do.

Oh, yeah. actually makes me go, well he's really actually holding it together much better than I am. Yeah. Like I realize if he lived like a semi health conscious from an intake standpoint, he would look amazing. He'd be 200 pounds. Yeah. He would. I know.

He always, this is his cycle. I'm going to do it right today. I'm eating lean protein and vegetables all day. That's what I'm eating lean protein and vegetables all day. That's what I'm doing. Skip breakfast. By lunch, he's ridiculously hungry. He'll scramble like five eggs. You'll need five eggs and like spinach. Four o'clock, wheels come off.

Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza. And then at the end of the night, you'll go, I just don't understand why I can't lose weight. And I'll go pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza. Yeah. It's not rocket science. Right. Why don't you start your day with-

Because you did drop squat. I do drop squat, baby. I know, I know. Hey, tell me about it. I love it. Drop squat, you lost weight, right? How much weight did you lose? 22 pounds.

22 pounds. Showed up. And that's you're working out. And obviously you're eating healthy, right? But really, the eating healthy, this is what my trainer said and I think it's proof in me that it worked He said my I had dieted so improperly that my metabolism had just about pretty much Gave up right so he was like what you have to do is eat very strictly For a period of time and work out like I'm telling you to, and it will recalibrate your metabolism.

And I think it worked because I did what he said, and all he had me eat was lean protein and green vegetables. They didn't have V. leafy, just dark green vegetables, and apples and strawberries and almonds. How could he do this? How could he do? Oh, well, he could. You think he could? Wood is the problem. Would he do this? What

he do it? No. Just because it's isn't it like the impulse thing with him? He's like, fuck it, fuck it, like just just do it. That applies to everything to alcohol, to food, to sex, to being on the road and not being able to get off the road. It's all about impulse control and self-regulation problems, all of it. But is it a being present thing, you know? What do you mean? Well, like, okay, in clip number five here, he talks about being, you know, I'll show you what I mean. Like maybe there's some tie into what we're talking about.

Okay. Do you ever have sex and like read their rhythms and then go like, okay, all right, like let's go with this pace. This is what I'm hearing you. I'm listening to you. Sure. Oh, you're, you have a heavy breath. You're being present.

Yeah. Being present, I was never present. I was never present. Ever, ever. I was just like, sex is sex. I'll do my part you do your part and they'll see if it hits yeah and when we were younger hit a lot at the same time but then there was this period after she had kids where it just was like get

get it over you do you and then let's get it over with and go to Target you know yeah and I think that's where it was and the other day I was like oh I just started reading your body and I was I said this word yesterday actually, Tom. Yesterday I said, you know, so funny, I'm just starting to read your body really good. And she's turning 50. So like, part of me is like, I can't wait to put in with another woman.

I can't wait. I can't wait. It feels good, right? That was my fifth birthday present. Yeah, that was it. Yeah. Yeah. He's not leaving. Oh, he's not going anywhere.

No. I'm not concerned with that at all. But he might, he considered leaving if he were to get hair transplant, he said. He did. He swore. He said that it might change his whole game. Really? Yeah. He's so, he's so whole game. Really? Yeah.

He's so stupid. That guy is really... His hair looks fucking awesome. Are you gonna go do it? I was thinking, dude, you should do it. I was thinking about that and getting another wife. I was like, I could really... He does talk about that a lot, doesn't he?

Quite a bit. Yeah, that's why people email me and they're like, why do you put up with that shit? Well, he talked about it so much that now sometimes I'll lead with it. You know, like, where do I... How about that new wife? Yeah, that's why people email me and you're like, why do you put up with that shit? Well, he talked about it so much that now sometimes I'll leave with it, you know? Like, what about that new way? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be like, yeah.

Yeah. How long has he been doing? Because I swear, okay, when we used to do gigs with Bert, we would drive, well, everywhere, but especially out in the Braia area, you know? And he used to, we would drive and he'd go, mm, mm, mm. I'm like, you all right.

And he was like, what? I go, you can keep clearing your throat. Like every fucking 30 seconds, he's to, we would drive and he'd go, mm, mm, mm. I'm like, you all right? And he was like, what? I go, you can keep clearing your throat, like every fucking 30 seconds. He's like, really? I'm like, yeah. And then he said he went to a doctor and told him and they were like, yeah, you have like acid reflux or some shit.

I don't know what it was. And he goes, hey, it was because you pointed out that I was doing this noise. Now he has new noises that have started, I mean, he didn't make this noise 10 years ago, especially like this horse calling noise. He does it all the time. The, oh yeah, yeah.

I'm like, yeah. Yeah. What's with the horse noise? Where do you get that from? It's called lazy. He's not using his words. He's lazy. Same thing he does on stage when he starts cursing too much, and then he asks me to go to a show and I go,

you're being fucking lazy. Use your words. And what does he say to that? I hate it when you say that. Yeah. Because you're always right. Okay fine. And then he'll have to put words where he says, fuck. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, see, it's much better. Wow. So you give him that type of note.

Yeah. And he listens. Yeah, he does listen. Yeah. He does listen to me quite a bit as much as he gives people the impression that he doesn't. Yeah, I believe that. He does.

He values your opinion a lot. He does, and I value his. He's really smart guy. That's the only thing I wanted to talk about today. Yeah. He's not as stupid as a lot of people think he is. New, new, new, new, new in high school. That's the only thing I wanted to talk about today. He's not as really smart parent, his execution on parenting could use a little work. Wait, it tells you about this. You know, he's very agenda-driven parent

and he's one of those that talks to our kids like this. I need to have a conversation with you and I'll look at him and go, the patriarchy is talking. Everybody listen up and he gets so mad. Stop calling me the patriarchy. I'm not the patriarchy, but I do make all the money. So here's what I'm gonna say, and I'm like, that's the patriarchy. Guess who made all the money about 15 years ago? When you, it was me, but we weren't living in a

patriarchy, so yeah, his parenting is very, I am lowered, you will listen. And how do they respond to that? They completely ignore it. And that makes him really angry. It does. Yes, because then he's, you know, he's the king who's trying to get the subjects to comply

and the subjects are going, not if you treat me like that. And then he goes, but then I'm talking. Right, and you have like smart, opinionated girls who probably push back on a lot of it, right? Yeah. Yeah. They do, especially Georgia. Oh, I so want this to be a reality show.

You know, I came up with this great show idea for Georgia and she won't do it. It's called Nothing's Burning, where she cooks things and doesn't burn anything and does it perfectly. She won't do it. Why not? I don't know. I was like, you could cook like, you could get like microwaveable mac and cheese and like jazz it up.

Do they plant heads a lot? He and her? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah. About everything? No, not about everything. But she just won't let him be the patriarch he was with her.

She won't let him. She'll be like, you're talking to me in a way that I'm not gonna respond. And he's like, what? Who talks to their father that way? And she's like, well, if you talk to me in a way that I can respond, then okay. I'm so not looking forward to this shit.

Because we have such different places with children. I was watching some of your, I think it was your podcast. Or yeah, where you had both girls on. Uh-huh. And there was this clip where, you know, just listening to them talk about when people know who their father is and how it affects. I was like, God, damn it. This is like heavy stuff. I mean, I, but it's different for you because your kids will, you will have always been famous. My kids were not, Berk was had no notoriety until they were quite old. So we went from this place

where you know George's dad is a comedian, a comedian, you know people in the neighborhood or like unless you're Chris Rock they don't know who you are. So he really was just the dad that does some art. Yeah it doesn't arts you are. So he really was just the dad that does some artsy thing. Yeah, it does an artsy thing. And then he became someone that was recognizable. So they had this kind of transition. Yeah, that's really interesting. So, but your kids won't have that. So they've always been in that kind of maybe to be a different transition. Maybe. Maybe it'll be like, hey, wasn't your dad like a comedian or something? No, we had no, that's not true. It was before we all had to wear masks everywhere.

Right, right. Before touring stopped entirely. Oh my God. Yeah, but that's still like a very, like, you know, I mean, I watched that and I mean, you connect, I think, with their emotion on that one. She's like, you know, I just don't want, like,

once they're hanging out, and she's hanging out with people, and once somebody goes like, oh, that's your birth kid, right? You're like, and then she's hanging out with people and wants somebody goes like oh, that's a you're your birth kid Right, you're looking and then she's like fuck yeah, they can change is the whole dynamic of the hangout with somebody It doesn't I think for Ila it automatically makes her go You only know me as who my dad says I am right you already think you know who I am So it doesn't give her the opportunity

for someone to really just learn who she is. I think actually, I love such a deep kid that I think that is how she interprets it. I think it makes Georgia uncomfortable in a different way where she goes to like, oh, you're just being shallow, but it affects Ila in a much deeper way. Yeah. It's really interesting.

It would affect Ila in a deeper way. It does. It affects her in a deeper way. It shuts her down. Whereas for Georgia, it doesn't shut her down. And is there any way it's just, can the only thing change from that just your perspective on it or like, because you can't really avoid it, it sounds like, right? Can't really avoid it. I keep, I guess a perspective is the only thing that can change.

I keep trying to parent it and talk to her about it and say, you know, even if your dad's not famous, most people only end up having two or three really good friends. And those friends will be your friends no matter who your parents are. That's very true. So, if you remove that one thing, you're just like everybody else. You're just making one or two really good friends. Which is actually the best way. 100%.

Yeah, I mean, I look back on life and it's like, I had one or two people in pretty much every city that I lived in. And even now, when I look back on college, I'm still friends, like good friends with like two or three people. Exactly. High school, like two people. Yeah. That's it.

You know, something that Bert, I talk about a lot, you and I are very similar in a lot of ways. And he and push are very similar in a lot of ways. And sometimes I'll do something you'll go, God, come, just did the same thing. I just don't know why you guys think like that. And I'm like, cause we're practical pragmatic thinkers. Yeah.

And loose cannon McGee over here needs a practical pragmatic thinker in his life, or he would be off in the stratosphere. Of course, we're the reasonable ones in our homes. Yeah, yeah. Big team. So. Now, what is the grossest thing? Because there's a lot of gross shit, some of which I learned even as much,

like as recently as like a month ago, like there's some. What did you learn a month ago? Well, there's a few things. Okay, that he wipes his ass and smells it. What? We learned over that. We went over that.

And I got to tell you that on the phone, and I believe that was when you learned about it. Yeah, it was when I learned about it. Did you actually do that? So I wanna know what else you learned that I don't know about. Oh, that's coming up. Okay.

Because I'd learn stuff like when people don't know, you guys were like, when I first started working clubs, like when I met Bert, Bert was a legit feature act. For people that are fans of comedy, you know, that's kind of an industry term for the middle act. Cause typically we would work clubs in a three-man show format, MC, like the host of the show,

features the middle and the headliner. Right. Bert was a legit middle act and I was a legit MC. Like we were both at that place in our career. So we got to, I got to see that transition happen. Meaning also that we were like making no fucking money, no money. And we would go over to your guys house a lot and eat. I mean, I remember Ila being, I remember, I remember being a newborn, but I remember over to your guys house a lot and eat. I mean, I remember Ila being, I remember being a newborn, but I remember going to your house and her being like two and shitting on the roof. And naked.

Yeah, yeah. Just always naked. And we would do dinner. And Bert would always cook dinner. Yeah, he's a lazy cook. And I mean, you just, he's chopping and dicing things up and like just, I mean, really doing elaborate meal. Yeah, he's an excellent cook.

He's a great cook and I'm spending that time there and then like, you know, getting to know him, right? Cause like, I'm getting to know him, getting to know your family at the same time. And then, I don't know, just one time, like, you know, I'm, we're dudes. So there's like, dude shit, right? Burping and farting.

And then when I hear this thing about like Clipping nails. Oh, right. I'm like and then you like he's like Clips his nails and he taped some under the coffee table and I was like wait, what and then I asked him I was like, do you really do that? He's like yeah, I'm like wait, wait, what do you yeah like like this even remotely? Nor like you know, I've never even heard of something like that like why would you do that? I don't know like we're most're most likely going to put them. I'm like, what do you mean? In the garbage?

Yeah. What fascinates me about his brain is it takes, I don't know why his brain thinks, you know, walking to the desk, getting a piece of Scotch tape, picking up the nails and taping it under is more time efficient than just putting them in the fucking garbage. But it has to be there, right? You can't not do that. No, he's gotten better. Now the patriarchy demands that someone cut his nails for him.

What? Oh, but no one will. And so he just lays in the recliner and complains. So I don't know if some of his road guys cut his toenails, but none of the women in his house do. He literally asks you guys, come on. A hundred percent. You cut the girls' toenails, why don't you cut mine?

She's four because she can't cut her own, but you can, but he doesn't want to bend over and it's so a god, wow. And I have this one nail and he's some help. And I'm like, I'm not doing it, dude. Go get a pet cure. Wow, this is amazing. But that's not gross, but that's just a patriarchy.

That's true. Do you want to hear about the first time he did the self wiping the barehanded technique? Sure. Okay, let's pull up the first wipe, the hand wipe. I think it's, yeah, here we go. Out of nowhere, you dropped that you've been wiping your ass barehanded with your finger.

Yeah. Out of that start. We'll start with the fact that I've been washing my hands a lot lately. You have been. Yeah, and so like because of on that tour, I wash my hands nonstop, sanitize nonstop. I'm like, my hands have never been so clean.

I'm with you there. Normally I'm not a hand washer at all. Like I've never really been a hand washer at all. Yeah. Ever since coronavirus, I've washed my hands a lot. Okay. I'm a little more cool to a dirty shit with my hands. So I just turn on the sink and I grab the thing

and I go down and it's not that dirty and I just give a little scrub. Like I'm trying to get into a girl's asshole. Do you remember that move? You're like, I'm just playing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just playing with the outside a little bit. Yeah. I'm just surve. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just playing with the outside a little bit, yeah.

I'm just surveying the property. Right. And then I kind of wipe it, I look at my finger, and there's nothing, right? Nothing? There's nothing. So then guess what I did next. I hope you washed that hand.

No. Not immediately. What'd you do? Sniff it, you smelled it. Is it? I smelled it. How did it smell? It smelled like an asshole. Oh.

Turn this thing on and then realize, I have to wash my hand by itself. Yeah. So I go, are we? Is there soap or just water? There's soap, there's soap. But by the way, now I'm hurting my back, reaching for the soap.

Okay. So I don't even really soap up. I just go back in, scrub again, then grab water, splash water scrub. It's almost like a help of a bidet. Like if a bidet had a finger, I think, if a bidet had like a finger attachment, it would really fucking help out.

So I clean, I then drip dry, sit there for a second. I wrap up, go in, wash both hands aggressively, and then I just kind of sit there with it, like walk around, I'm like, go in, wash both hands aggressively. And then I just kinda sit there with it, like walk around, I'm like, I feel good. So then I, I, shit again. If I go, and the second I go down, I feel what can only be called the top of a frappuccino,

like the who, the whipping of a frappuccino down there. And I'm like, oh, that's disgusting. Just see, there's more more than a hand on. Yeah. That's so gross. That's so gross, right? Yeah. I'm pretty gross.

I think I'm actually pretty gross, but he so trumps me that I feel like a fucking nun when I'm talking to him sometime. Yeah, I mean like, I'll be like, oh, I'm not even in this category. OK, so in order for me to be able to live with him,. Yeah, I mean like, I'll be like, oh, I'm not even in this category. Okay, so in order for me to be able to live with him, yeah, going forward, here's what I think happens in his brain.

Yeah, I think he is curious, like the age of your children curious. Right, yeah, childlike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, he has this childlike curiosity everywhere. On my wedding day, one of my closest friends who had never met him before came up to me and said, he's awesome. He's really amazing. But can I give you one piece of advice?

I said, yes, he said, he will always be a child. So if you can just know that he's always going to be a child, you'll be fine. You'll be really happily married. Yeah, right, because you could easily be, because this is all about perspective, right? You could easily be the person's like, hey dude, you gotta knock all this shit off, right? Yeah, yeah. And then what would happen was that you would be frustrated and probably angry all the time.

Yeah. And then he would feel like somebody's attacking him and go into his shell and feel horrible, like it's gonna be the perspective. Yeah, it's the perspective. So when I see that, how did your friend know this? Just right just, so it's gotta be the perspective. Yeah, it's the perspective. So when I see that, how did your friend know this? Just right away put it together?

He was a, he's a healer and a raky master. Okay. So he had a lot of that intuition. Yeah. He really is one of those people that just looks at you and like I walked in the room with him the first time I ever saw him and he goes, ooh, you have some issues with your mom.

Really? I went, who are you? And where do I sign up? Yeah. Yeah, it's one of those people. So. Yeah, some people don't realize, like there's a childlike thing.

Bird is also, like as a comedian, you know, I've spent a lot of time with a lot of comedians. He's kind of like the most desirable type of comedian to be around, which is a comedian that really does live to have fun and make you laugh and make moments funny. So, it's like whether you're just going to lunch, like when you sit down, he'll be like,

hey, should I, you know, he'll immediately think of something to do that's funny in the moment. Even if it's just for you guys, it is just for you guys, you know, it's just like, it's a funny, but it's kind of childlike in a way, right? It's like, you know, a lot of this, it's play. Yeah, a lot of people are more serious, you know, even comedians. You can hang out comedians that you'll never know they're comedian. Yeah, yeah. But like with Bert, you'll know. Yeah. You won't be like, oh, really? You're a comedian? Yeah. Like, it's obvious, you know? Yeah. So part of that piece that I choose to resonate with, but not the part where I go, that's the most disgusting. Oh my God, bro, whatever.

I don't relate, that's not what it does that for me a little bit, but really my takeaway is, oh, this is the curiosity I see every day. He is really curious about really odd stuff. Even his asshole. Even his asshole. And even what happens if I tape my toenails and put it under here, what's that mean? What happens now?

Or clip number 10. Maybe number 10 is I think. Oh, Jesus. She's serious about it. Oh, Jesus. I gotta start watching your show. Leanne caught me picking my nose and eating it one time. Oh, yeah.

It was like, the fuck are you doing? And I was like, how are past the honeymoon phase? Oh, yeah. It was like, it wasn't like discussing. It was just like that regularly. It is disgusting actually. You eat your book, not all the time, but I do a lot more than I think you'd be comfortable with

in bed next to me. Yeah. I really almost threw up there. I really, for some reason, you know, there's certain triggers for like nausea or whatever. I've seen someone, I mean, I've seen a lot of gross things, but I've seen someone eat their burger and I've just been like, almost throw up at it.

How often are you seeing this? It's pretty often, he goes in phases. It comes and goes. Like he'll get into a phase where he's doing it all the time, I'll go fucking burnt. You're gonna be in a meeting and Not realize you're picking your nose and eating boogers with like the head of NBC You have to stop doing this and then he'll stop for a while and I think he gives out on the road Oh, it's just the eating it part. It's disgusting. Yeah, I mean picking everyone picks everybody's natural

But he thinks well, what are you going to do with it? You fucking flick it or something man. I don't know and he's like that's gross. I just take care of it and then I'm I might get sick. I might get sick. It's you know Sometimes I scratch my own head at what I accept from this guy, but there's clearly a lot of positive because I'm a pretty great Girl, you know? I got my shit together for most part. But yeah, I don't enjoy that part of his personality, but again, I chalk it up to that child-like human being.

Children pick their nose and eat their boogers. And I feel like the only way to like when you goes, like, well, where am I supposed to do that? You literally gotta get like, Kleenex, put it on the nightstand next to him. Maybe a trash can, but but just put it right there. It wouldn't matter. Why would it not work there?

Because he just... I don't want to go there. I don't want to grab that tissue. He's a really complicated guy. He has two sides to him. He's an extreme rule follower in that he never drinks and drives. Yeah, that's true.

He never does that. He never breaks a law. He is always's true. He never does that. He never breaks a law. He is always on time for any kind of job. If there's some problem, he lets people know what I'm going to be on time. And then the other side of him is he never returns an email. Right. He is non-compliant.

So he's like super-compliant and completely non-compliant. I'll spend like three days a row spending whatever, four hours a day with him. Yeah. The fourth day, you know, you're just like meeting like you're hanging out intensely. Yeah.

The fourth day, I'll be like, hey, so when do you wanna do that thing? Crickets. And then I'll be like, all right, you know whatever. Next day, hey man, so are we doing it Friday? Nothing, yeah. And then like the third day, I'm like, hey, and then I'll call him, all right, you know, whatever. Next day, hey man, so are we doing it Friday? Nothing, yeah. And then like the third day, I'm like, hey, and then I'll call him, it'll go to voicemail,

which is full. Mm-hmm. And he's out of the country. Yeah, I know, hundreds. And so then I finally, I'll finally just text you. Yeah, that's, and you're like, yeah, can you tell him the fucking answer me? Yeah, welcome to my world. So that is your world, I guess. Oh, yeah, that's welcome. Can you tell them the fucking answer me? Yeah, welcome to my world.

So that is your world, I guess. Oh, yeah. Manager, text is me. Business manager, agent, both four agents will be like, hey, I'm trying to get this answer from Bert. I'm on every single business, text, and email. Let's call him right now. For that reason.

And I have to tell you something, it's part of the reason that I've collapsed and busted my face because I'm running our whole household. Yes, that's right. And then I have to go, hey dude, have you read that email about that thing that's kind of important? Do you think he'll answer right now when I call him? I don't know, he's a really busy day today.

Okay, well let's just see. He may be in meetings. How about if he answers, you talk. Okay. You talk. But what do you want me to say? Just be like, we'll go, we'll go with them. I don't know, we'll figure it.

Let's see if he answers. I'm too honest. He may be in a meeting. He has a really busy day today, yeah. So if he doesn't answer, I'm not surprised. He always answers my call. Yeah, yeah. I'm out of the country. I'm out of the country.

He hasn't been all the country in years. I remember whenever that voice mail was put on. So travel channel. It was about three years ago. Yeah, and I remember him coming back from a trip and being like, hey, why don't you change that now? No, I've asked him to change it. His kids have asked him. It's not happening. He's like, no, why don't you change that now? No, I've asked him to change it. His kids have asked him, is not happening.

He's like, no, I like it. No, I'm the only person he responds to. His parents text me, his sisters, everybody. Everybody, because he does that to everybody. So. And what is that? You think it's just like not wanting to deal with stuff? I think, yeah, I think he has a really low threshold

for almost everything. My mom has this thing where, like if you're hanging in it, and this is by the way, it's not her being older. This is when I was a kid. Like if you go, you know, I think we used to have house phones obviously, right? So phone would ring at home, like hello.

Oh, what's that for my mom and she would go. I'm not gonna- She didn't even know who it is. Yeah, she'd be like, and if you were like, yeah, one second, she would be so upset. And if you go, you know, it's Leanne's birthday, she'd be like, okay, you know, I'd be like, why don't you, like your guys are friends.

Yeah. She'd be like, I don't know what to say. So, no, like, so what happens is you have to contact her. Uh-huh, yeah. You have to show her that you're interested. You have to reach out to her. You have to text. You have to, you have to contact her. You have to show her that you're interested. You have to reach out to her. You have to text. You go to pick up her phone and it'll be like 58,000 email.

Yeah, he's the same. And they're unread. Yeah, he's the same. The mailbox. 200 voicemails, unplayed. Yeah, same. Text messages. 600, I'm like, Mom, what's going on?

I couldn't live like that. She's like, I just, you know, like basically it's an avoidance thing. It's anxiety producing for some reason. There you go. That's what it is. It is. It does. It does. I mean, Bert has anxiety disorders all over him. So for whatever reason, he has to be, he has to look at that stuff in a safe place, right? And I don't know why it's unsafe sometimes, but it is. I don't know.

I don't know. He has, I think he has a little bit of social anxiety as much as that seems unrealistic because he like lays his whole life out in front of the world. But that's very different than having an intimate relationship with someone. Definitely. That's two totally different things.

It can be overwhelming to field calls and all that stuff. You know what I mean? Everyone's felt like there is a lot to do. But yeah, I feel like for people that have anxiety, it probably really ramps it up. It shuts them down, really. To have to do all those things. Yes, he'll shut them down to the point

where we'll have to go take a nap. And I'm like, dude, it's for phone call. I mean, it's 15 minutes and you'll be out of it. You see it has this thing where, like she has a, like, a cut off. Like so, in other words, I might go home today and then, you know, more emails, more calls, this idea, this thing.

And then it's like, a call comes in. Hey, can you look over this document and get back to us? Well, if it's 630, I'll be like, hey, we should look, should we like, look, it's evening now. Can we do this in the morning? Right. And I'll be like, well, I just want to do it now because it came in and I can do it now. Right. She's like, I don't, she doesn't work at like that. Right. She's like, it's too late. Yeah, he's like that too. It's like, we gotta do it tomorrow.

I'm like, why are we doing it tomorrow? Like it's here now. He's very much like that too. We were doing it when he was doing his last special for whatever reason edits would come in late at night and they need a really quick turnaround and he'd go, I just can't do it. I can't do it.

I gotta do it later. So I'd end up watching the edit and saying, here's the problems I think you're gonna have with it. And take a look at these minutes markers and he would look at them when he was ready. But I was like, they need to know someone's looked at it. I mean, they're asking for this shit. They just be like, oh, I don't know, whatever, whatever.

That's too anxiety-producing for me. Like, we're gonna talk about the two different personalities. That's so anxiety-producing for me. Like, we're talking about the two different personalities. That's so true. If someone sends me an email, can you take a look at this at 6.30? I'm like, fuck, get it off my plate. Exactly, I'm the same way. Off my plate.

Now, the flip of this is that Christina loves to do shit in, like, as soon as she wakes up. So, like, in the morning, she's like, all system, like, likes to work right after waking up. Right. And I'm she's like all system like likes to work like right after waking up right and I'm like a slow riser. Oh interesting. So then she'll be like can we do this now? I'm like can I sit up? I'm like still asleep. So I like to get like you know moving a little bit before I tackle something in the morning right. Right right. But no, she's. She's on it. On it. That's awesome.

Yeah. Yeah. Got some else to show you. You do? I'm so surprised. Did we play number four? We did, okay, hold on. I've got some stuff for you here.

Oh yeah, I heard you do one of his tales. First of all, do you know that he mispronounces all these words? Oh, like Nightmare? Yeah. Uh-huh. Why does he do that? Uh, because he's weird. Okay.

I have no idea. You know what I mean? Times I've said is spelled M-A-R-E, mayor. And he's like, it's mere. It's mere. It's not mere. He's been doing this Benaflek. Oh, Benaflek forever.

Yeah, I'm like, it's Affleck. He's like, oh, he's like, no, the insurance company. No. No, I'm not. I don't understand. He's like, oh, you think no, the insurance company. No. No, I'm not. I don't understand why he does that. Okay. It's a quirk. But he really leaned into 100%.

What? A hundred percent. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Yeah, that happens a lot. A lot.

It's a hundred percent. Yeah, I mean, it became like hyperbole, hyperbole. A hundred percent. Everything is a hundred percent. Everything. Oh, 100%. Oh, 100% 100%. Oh, 100%.

Hold on, hear me out. Oh, 100%. 100%. It's like every show, like 10 times. Yeah. Oh, 100%. Yeah, yeah. The A Does speak in hyperbole.

100%. He sleeps in hyperbole. He's 100 in hyperbole. A hundred percent. He sleeps in hyperbole. He's a hundred percent hyperbole. You should parent with that. Yeah. He is not super fun. No. Oh, wait.

Oh, yeah, we did it. Okay. So, now they're disgusting thing. Oh, God. This one's quick. Okay. But it's clip three and it kind of shows you like, you know, just something maybe you've missed before this gross.

You know what I mean? I'll see if I've missed it or if I just choose to ignore it. I just realized this is a catch rag I have in my pocket. A catch rag? Yeah. What's the catch rag? I feel these little hard spots all over it. Oh, it's an old tanky little.

Pretty gross. That's pretty gross. I did not's an old pancake. A little. Pretty gross. Yeah. That's pretty gross. I did not know he did. It was jizzed in. Oh, that's it. That was the hard spot. I did not know.

I thought it was boogers. No, it was jizz. Fancy. That's disgusting. But I guess if he's using it on his self, who cares? Yeah, it's weird to bring it, bring it out, I think. Well, here, yeah, and here, yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

Yeah. Good point. No. Good point, excellent point. So, okay, we're gonna end on that thing. Yeah. So, we're talking about parenting before. Yeah.

So, tell me, tell the audience, tell all of us, what type of dad is he? Beside from the from the patriarchy like he is a sweet guy. Yes, he's very sweet. He you know he Because we he and I are very different people from very different backgrounds. Yes, he and I is nothing we connect on I think a similar up. We have like older, old school white guy dads with like good jobs. Yep. We both have two sisters. Yep.

We both have Catholic upbringings. Both from Florida. Both from, yeah, both from Florida. But like the, it's a thing where like when you're from a certain type of family, you definitely identify with somebody like. Completely, yeah. And push and I are similar.

Very similar background. That's true. Of brokenness and bullshit. So what was the question again? I forgot. We were talking about what kind of parent, like the type of. OK, so he sees things in the kids I don't see. So that's great to have in a partner.

Oh, yeah. Because you only have your own perspective and your own point of view. So especially lately now that we have teenagers, I find that he's bringing things to my attention that I'm completely missing. Really? And perhaps it's because he's was home so much in COVID and before it was like me or nothing pretty much. But I've really appreciated him as a parent. That's again one side of the coin. The other side of the coin is, I don't know how much he cares. That's not true.

His first agenda, I feel sometimes, is that he is heard and understood and complied with. that he is heard and understood and complied with. Instead of, hey, this kid is actually a kid and learning something. So for instance, last night, we found out that another family group's, another family of ours son had done something really crazy, which I can't talk about, that doesn't really crazy, and that Georgia knew about it, that he confided in her about it and

Bert was on the phone me was like I'm gonna call her and I'm gonna tell her the next time something like this happens She needs to say this and she needs to say this and she needs to say this I said why don't you call her that sounds so like Like punitive without even finding out. maybe she already said all those things. So why don't you call her and go, hey, I heard you knew about this. Well, what did you do when he told you? Yeah. And he was like, that's bullshit. I'm the parent.

I'm the one that calls and says, how this needs to go down. And I went, I think for a 16 year old, that's not really going to be received very well. Yeah. So he luckily wasn't home, because when he's home, he'll just march in there and rar, rar, rar, and then Georgia will go, I don't know what the fuck he just said because it was

not okay. So this time, this is what you do. Really? Come out to me and go, what's up with him? And I'll have to decide for her. After he like rants and raves? Yeah. And then I'll decipher what just happened.

And she'll go, oh, no problem. But I'm not going to do it when he presents it like that. So, and you know, some of it is just like a child, who he doesn't think about how his presentation is received. He just needs the presentation to happen, how he needs it to happen, so that he feels validated somehow. So I mean this happens in our relationship too where I have to listen to him have this holo blue and at the end of it

I'll go let me see if I understand what you're saying is it blah blah blah and I'll go yeah, and I'll go got it So I'm just gonna ignore all this all of Yeah, yeah, because it's just you so that's your skill So you can see through all the noise to get into it. Totally. Yeah. So this is what you're trying to tell me, got it. And I don't take any of the other stuff personally, because it's not about me.

But that's, but see that is, that's probably what a lot of people would struggle with, right? Yeah, I'm absolutely with him. Yeah. Because everything is personal to him. Yeah. And I take almost nothing personally, because I just go, well, if I made a mistake, then I'll just apologize.

He and the dove, they had worked out there, they had almost like a therapy session on the show. They did? Yeah, it's pretty great. Wait, what was wrong? So what happened was, I mean, and this is funny, like we're doing the show, and I think I was like, I gotta take a shit, so I got up and I walked out,

which I did, I left, I'll go back in a few minutes. So they're on the show and at this particular time in this moment, the DAV goes out, like, we'll put your headphones on so you can hear this thing. Burp puts them on, he goes, don't, you know, why would you talk to me like that? And he's like, what?

And he goes, you said, put your fucking headphones on. And like, you know, I'm not gonna respond well, then he goes, I didn't say that. And he's like, what? And he goes, you said, put your fucking headphones on. And like, you know, I'm not going to respond well. He goes, I didn't say that. He goes, see, that's something I need to work on. So what happened was though, they ended up talking it. It was actually I, because I didn't even, I was in front of it. I walked back in and then I watched it later. But he was like, you know, they talked it out. And basically the dog was like, I feel like, you know, when we're button heads on a lot of these things, it's like you think something's being said.

That's right. And Bert was like, yeah, it's true, I do. Yeah, he does. And he goes, I think that you're talking to me a certain way and I don't realize to later that I'm just like putting that in my own head. That's right. And they, they like, worked it out.

That's good, that's good, that you've worked it out. But he, that is a big problem for him. When he gets triggered or he feels like something's emotional for him, he hears it the way he hears it. Not the way it was said. He will put words like there was one time early in our marriage where I was like,

I'm really upset with you about this. And then you talk to about it. And he goes, he said something back and he goes, so, but you said that you wanted a divorce. And I went, I never said that, have never, we'll never say that. What I said was, I'm really upset with you and need to talk to you about it.

Verbatum, that's what I said. And he heard she's leaving. Right. She's leaving. And I'm like, that wasn what I said. And he heard she's leaving. Right. She's leaving. And I'm like, that wasn't in my stratosphere. But I've got to be able to say, hey, dude, you upset me. And then he talked to you about it. So I just grew really thick skin and went, well, then he's just making things up.

Yeah. So I just need to find what's really going on. Because the making things up, it's like a child, where he's tantrumming through his feelings. Yeah. Instead of just going, hey, what are my feelings? So with Georgia, he parents, with that situation where the friend called Georgia and confided in her and he was, I'm going to call her and tell her. Because he wasn't here, he took him in it.

And then I was just in the house, cleaning the house or something and I heard he in Georgia having the best conversation ever because he took my advice. Yeah, yeah. He's like, what happened? How'd that go down? Yeah. And I was like, see what happens

when you just freaking don't be the patriarchy. Yeah. Come in and go, I need to have a talk. He literally does this body stand. So, and he'll look up in a fight. Like, I'm supposed to look up and a fight, like I'm supposed to look up at, it's the most bizarre behavior right go.

This is literally what a four year old does on a playground. Did the boy, did he like assault and unconscious girl or something? No. It's nothing like that. Nothing that crafty. It was pretty crafty. It was crafty.

Were you telling me off my camera? I'll tell you off my camera. Okay. It was pretty impressive. I was super impressed. Wow clear off my can. Okay. It was pretty impressive I was super impressed Wow, but um sounds like a crime I was super impressed because I was thinking about what I was doing at that Age and I was like fucking right on dude. Yeah, yeah, you're just being a regular teenager, but you know, we're in a pretty Bubbled neighborhood where people are like oh my god. I'm like he's was kind of what happens at that age well, there's a parenting clip we have here

talking about, believe one, I think one of the girls. Here it is. By the way, this is like early on on our show. He looks so much better now. Yeah? Right? Yeah, he does look, yeah. He looks bloated right there.

Yeah. We went to the monkey forest. I told Isla the monkeys are gonna a fucker because she's on her period I like goes in she's on her period and I go I Go I'll be careful man. They can sniff that out She's like what and I go yeah the monkeys can smell the DJ and they're gonna want to fuck you So be careful and a monkey starts fucking her. I said I'm gonna videotape the whole thing Yeah, and you some enough needs to get help

so I said I'm gonna videotape the whole thing. Yeah, and you summon off these get help. So. He doesn't use the word fuck. No, not like that. He doesn't use the word fuck at all, like with her. For the act of sex. Yeah, but he'll say that. Yeah, he said that. So he said it's great. He does say crazy shit.

Yes, he does. And most of the time the girls don't believe him, right? But everyone's in love. I was super gullible. Yeah, so she will believe a lot more. Georgia don't believe him, right? But everyone's in the hall. I was super gullible. So she will believe a lot more. Georgia doesn't believe anything, he says, just about. But I la, yeah, I remember that moment.

Yeah, it's funny, you're talking about the making stuff up and everything, because it also applies to comedy, because we'll be like, we find out, and this is like 10 years ago, we're in the car driving. I tell him something, he starts laughing, and then he's telling it back to me with added things. And I'm like, I didn't say that. He goes, I know, but that's how I hear it.

Like, what? He goes, I mean, that's how I hear it in my head, and I think it makes the story better. And it's made better, it's way better. But that's not what I'm saying. It's inaccurate. And he goes, that's how you should say it. And I go, what?

Yeah, he's talking about it. That happens to me all the time. He won't let me tell any stories ever. Because he'll go, she's going to fuck this one up. Let me tell it. And I'll go, she's gonna fuck this one up. Let me tell it and I'll go, if you wanna know the real story, I'll tell you when he's done. So you can hear all the added jazz.

And then if you wanna know what actually happened, I'll tell you what actually happened. I'm not a bad storyteller, but I am not a fantastical storyteller. He makes everything is fantastical or catastrophic. It's like a supernatural event when it tells a story. It's either fantastical or catastrophic. That's true.

And his day-to-day life is that? There's like 5,000 people there and this guy came out to me and he was like, I'll beat you over the head with this. He was like, wait, someone said that. Well, no, the guy was looked at me weird. I'm like, oh, somebody looked at you weird. Two cars over. I mean, he's like, he threatened me weird. I'm like, oh, somebody looked at you weird. Two cars over, that dude, I mean, what do you mean? He threatened me and I'm like, oh, okay.

I almost died and you're like, really? Yeah, no, every story you're right. So, like, what is it? Fantasical or catastrophic? Or catastrophic. Yeah. He's no middle. I wonder where there's gotta be an origin of why it's that.

You know what I mean? There has to be an origin of why it's that. I think you know, I mean like there has to be a sort of really good question Yeah, catastrophe piece. I think it's tied into his anxiety, but I don't know what the fantastical piece is if it doesn't feel enough I think it's yeah, I think it's like the rush like there's all everybody kind of experiences the idea of like Being the first to share news Seeing people captivating people's attention. And like, I think there's a way where like, in his style of telling a story, where he must have exaggerated early on,

telling the story of people's to people, and seeing their reactions, and then it like lit something up in him. Probably. That was like, yeah, probably. You gotta dress, you gotta like, put some sweetener on top of that, to make it even more fantastical.

Well, you know now that you say that, I think it probably is twofold. One is probably something about self-esteem, not feeling enough just as a normal person, regular, regular person. But his mother, you know, has eight brothers. His mother has eight brothers. His mother has eight brothers. Fuck. She's the second oldest

So he had all these uncles that were younger and they are Really entertaining people like musical Out there there nobody's like a joke teller, but they're definitely story tellers One-uppers.ers, really entertaining family. And Gigi, his mother, I mean, she was like, studied musical theater. She's a really musical, very out there, performance type person. So I'd imagine to grow up in that family culture

and to see all these uncles. And you always look up to your uncles. Being this like, oh, Uncle Jimmy plays the banjo and watch this, you know, and it's all this kind of maybe some of it came from that. Maybe it came from that, yeah. I mean... Maybe. And I know they did that in the fraternity. They're always one up in each other and stupid stories. You know, imagine what he was like in the fraternity. No. To the photos and everything.

You wouldn't have dated that guy for a while. Would he Eddie Vetter haircut? Yeah. No. Would you have dated that? No. No. No. Not even kind of. He's told the story of, like so... He wouldn't have dated me either, by the Yeah. No. Will you a date of that? No. No. Not even kind of. He's told the story of like so.

He wouldn't have dated me either by the way. No. No. What were you like back then? I was not hot enough for him. Oh. All his girlfriends were like the hot babes. Oh, really?

Like the hot babes. And I just wasn't a hot babe. I was pretty and whatever. I wasn't ugly, but I wasn't that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I wasn't the like in the string't that. Do you know what I mean? I wasn't the like, in the string bikini. That's what he was dating.

Yeah, there were hot babes. They're beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Yeah. Hot babes. So no, he wouldn't have given me that. I just remember, I just wonder what the relationship was like. You know what I mean? Like with him and the hot babes, like back then.

Well, I think that he cast a wide wake. if you want to go to every party that's your boyfriend Yeah, yeah, and you know He's an eat sleep drink fuck dude. That's what he does That's his motor saw parent I eat sleep drink fuck So if she could handle any of those she'd probably just fine I don't think he was looking for deep conversations at 27, you know, 24. I like how you threw in 27. Well, that's when he graduated college. Most people are like 27. I was talking about college. Yeah, that was college. Uh-huh. Last year. Yeah. 27. Takes what it takes. What's what you

did? How was he when he went to college? I don't know. Well, you know, he's got a November birthday and his mom held him a year. So he was old when he graduated. So you probably graduated high school at 19 or something? Well, he was almost 19. He was 18 when he graduated high school. And early in his freshman year of college turned 19.

Whereas I started college at 17. Yeah. But he should have been out by 23, 24. At least. Yeah. Shit. Let the good times roll. And knowing like I know a little bit about big owl. Yeah. He must have been beside himself. Yeah.

Being like you're doing another fucking semester at that school. Jesus. Yeah, I heard it was that you know there was a lot I think of there was a lot going on there during that time. I mean, you know, Bert got like three college scholarships for baseball and passed on all of them. And his dad was like an Olympic alternate for the track team. Like, yeah, his dad went to college on a track scholarship and was an Olympic alternate. I mean, like super athlete. So he raised this boy who was Brett Radke's catcher all growing up.

Brett Radke went pro. And of course he had these three big college scholarships and he was like, yeah, I don't want to play ball every day. I just want a party. And so I think from right there, Al Kreischer was like, Push! What the fuck? You know, who is this child?

Where did he have offers to play baseball? Citadel, Duke and FSU Wait, he turned down the scholarship offer. Yeah, he did. It's a play baseball. Yeah, and Duke Duke yeah And Citadel He would not have lasted seven years of Duke as a good thing. It was oh, no, he wouldn't have been no No, no, no, he just went there been, no, no, no, no. He just went there and I think he actually went

to a couple practices maybe. Really? And went, I think, I mean, I was, I didn't tell him so many while. You know, if it goes on really good baseball program. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm from Georgia. Yeah. So yeah, but yeah, he was like, yeah,

I don't want to do this every day. And his dad was, I think they're in started not a great path for him and his dad in college. I think his dad was very frustrated. And his dad at one point was like, you have to get a job. So he started working and he got fired. And then he's worried again, he got fired again. He just kept getting fired. Yeah, I mean, one of my favorite stories of his is back getting fired from like the Barnes and Noble. Because

they have the security camera, he's doing what push-ups or something. Naked. Naked push-ups. Yeah. So he wouldn't get his clothes sweaty. Yeah. And they're like, what are you doing down there? He's like, oh, just stacking books.

Yeah. Just take care of business. You know we have a camera to do. Whatever. Oh. Oops. See daisy. Yeah.

We're going to play tennis soon. You are? Yeah. That's good. He's a really are? Yeah. That's good. He's a really good tennis player. He's sad. Yeah. No, I think he actually is.

That's what's, that's one of the things that's amazing to me is he is a phenomenal athlete. Yeah, yeah. As much as he talks about the Mickey Maldon, Gene Shit. Yeah. No, no, no, no. There's actually, I have never, ever witnessed him not be able to do something well. Yeah. Athletically.

Nothing. I mean, like wake boarding for the first time, boom, up. You're like, he just has that genetic makeup. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, he's been playing tennis since he was like seven. Yeah. We've been talking about it. You played tennis your whole life too?

I mean, I stopped for a long time. I played as a kid. Like, a lot played in tournaments. And then I stopped. And then we played like randomly over the years. My cousin, Christina and I a few times, but then recently I started taking lessons again. So when I told him that, it completely set him off. He's like, I'm going to go take a lesson tomorrow.

We're going to play. Yeah, I know. I know. He's really fired up about it. Yeah, I could tell. He loved playing tennis. Tennis is great. Yeah.

I've been, I've been, I went yesterday. And you guys will have a blast. I think so you'll have a blast We're gonna I think we're gonna shoot it. You should because it's gonna be funny It'll be funny and we'll have Mike's will be able to talk shit Two bears one net. Yeah We'll have a small wager going, don't worry. Nothing significant. Well, we finally get to the most fun part. Oh, God. It's the batch at number six.

We like to call it. And that is diving deep into your sex life. Oh, in your mind with him? Yes. Because he talks about it all the time. He talks about it and he also talks about trading up. So which do you believe? Yeah. He's not trading.

I know he's not. But she said, you know, just so you know what you do, that pleases your girlfriend doesn't please me. I heard that. And I had never been more solid in not leaving my relationship with that moment. I was like, I will never leave. Like, Leanne.

Because I can make Leanne come. But I, yeah, that's all I can do Leanne I think I said we get sex last night and I said to Leanne I said I said thank you. I banged it out But he thinks that every time She can get it and she got it There was a whole interview on But he thinks that every dot, he does. She can get it and she got it. There was a whole interview on a whole segment on female orgasms.

And it was talking about just about how, like it was just a fucking 30 minutes on orgasms. And then Leanne just hit the TV. We were done watching. She goes, so what do you want to do? I was like, I don't know. What do you want to do? She goes, I say we go into the bedroom.

And I was like, duns on. And do you want to do? He goes, I say we go into the bedroom and I was like, done's on and I brought the fucking thug. Did you really? I seriously- Fantastical? Yeah. Um, I kissed her first. That's nice. Which I normally don't do.

I just usually put in work. So one day I'm watching Cathouse. That show in Vegas. Yeah. This girl, one of the girls is teaching a guy how to eat pussy. And then I thought, this is silly. I'm gonna try this tonight and just here, and I go, what the fuck are you doing?

And that night, it was actually during the day. It was during the day, the next day. I go down on the end and she just goes, what are you doing? And I was like, huh? And now I'm like going, like, trying to remember all the shit. She said, gentle chaos,

fucking like a hurricane, but not too hard at the moment. And then build to the, and I start doing the things that she had said in the thing. And Leanne, I remember, she had an orgasm and she went, oh fuck! And I went, what?

Like I'd never heard Leanne curse even. I'm like, what the, she goes, what the fuck was that? And I was like, I don't know. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, first of all. Great lover. He is pretty good.

First of all, you know, a lot of people, my family in Georgia watch this show. OK. So thanks for that. But no, I, Hey guys. I, I, my grandmother saw this show. She did?

She saw that show? No, I don't know one of them. She didn't watch this one. And I'll tell you this. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I believe that having a good, strong sex life when you're married is super important. I believe you're correct.

In putting this part of my life open to the world, I'm actually okay with. Because I want to say that because people are like, oh my god, how do you let them talk to you about you like that? But don't you have sex with your spouse? Yes. I mean, yeah, you're not in my bedroom. You don't know exactly what's going on.

We're just, he's just saying we have really good sex. Right. So what's wrong with that? Nothing. We do. We have really good sex. It's just an endlessly amusing to hear him talk about a lot of topics.

And especially. His heroic antics. Yeah, of course. He believes him to be a hero. Put it in there. Yeah, of course. He believes him to be a hero. Put it in there. And I've got it. Which really he's like, hey babe. Do you want to maybe? That's what really is.

That's how it really is. Are you feeling it? What do you think? He's very not this patriarch guy. He's not that at all. Hands on the hips. Yeah, no. Do you feel like getting it?

I mean, from time to time, he'll say something where I go, for real, you just said that to me. The answer is absolutely no. You know, like he'll just go, hey, how about a blow job? Like he's saying, like, how about a dick coke? Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, no. I mean, the answer is no. Right. how about a dick coke? Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, no.

I mean, the answer is no. Right. How about a blowjob? How about a blowjob, yeah. Yeah. Is this her talk? Is this I'm talking to her? Yeah.

I love you too. All right, bye. Man, that woman can suck a dick. But I've talked about that openly too. I talked about it with push where I read a book about it. About Flasio? Yeah. It was written by a gay man about how to give good blow jobs.

Because men know how to do it to men because men know what they like. Could you give her a copy? I don't. I don't. It really? It goes. Could you write it down?

Title? It's on my website. I mean, what I want is it. Oh really? Yeah, I don't like to. Because I think. When did you read it? I read it when he and I were first dating. Really?

Yeah, I did because I was like, what's your goal in sex, right? My goal is to feel good, but to also make sure he feels good. And it's not fair if I always get my rocks off and he is like, well, it's great, I'm he was okay. And I mean, I don't enjoy giving a blowjob, but it is something he enjoys. So I'd like to do it well so it gets over fast. And being is something that he enjoys, right?

Yeah, of course. So if you're suck at it, it's 45 minutes long, you know, if you're fast and it's pretty fast. If you do a good job, so. Well, good for you. And I think that's actually a very. Perspective. I think that's a very healthy perspective

that shouldn't be like, it should be more widely, you know, talked about. Totally. And it's suppressed and accepted. Because it's part of human nature. Yeah. This is, if you're married especially, you are supposed to be having sex and have a healthy relationship. Yeah, of course.

So, it's like money. No one ever talks about money and you go, well, no wonder half the people don't know what to do with money. Very good point. Because they don't talk about it. Very good point. It's like so taboo, it's the same with sex, right? Yes.

How you supposed to know if your sex life is good, if you don't talk to your partner about it? I'm so happy that my wife just likes having sex and wants to have sex. I feel like, because we have friends, I have a friend who is in this marriage where, we've talked and he's like, yeah, we have sex in months.

Really? Yes, and I'm like, you know, I'm not an expert, but I'm sitting there doing like, are you expressing that he's like, yep, and it just gets shut down. I'm so sad. Of course it is, that's my point. It's like, that's sad.

So then he's like, how about you? I'm like, no, we had sex a few times this week. And he's like, oh my god, yeah. He's like, that's a distant memory for him. Oh, that's so sad. Well, you know, I haven't indicated or something's wrong, I think. Of course. Of course.

But I mean, it's more to your point of like, you know, doing it, talking about it. I mean, obviously we make a lot of jokes, but I mean, I think it's, yeah, it's a much healthier perspective. Totally. And I felt that way also about money, too, about how, you know, especially when you don't have money and you meet people with money, I was always curious. I would always ask a lot of questions, you know? And sometimes it would get pointed out,

like, why are you asking all these questions? Because I'm curious. Yeah, because I want to know. Totally. Curiosity is the root of change. Yeah. If you can be curious about something, you can make a change. If you can be curious about something, you can make a change.

If you're not curious about it, nothing's gonna happen. So, I mean, when people hear all these outrageous clips that he, all these claims he makes, I feel like it normalizes other people's shit. You know, where you go, my husband does that too. And it embarrasses me. And I get, maybe this is more normal than I I think you have a little hint of birth in your life Yes, you know, and then you go. Oh, okay, okay. I'm into all you need

Like if you and like she died you got hit by a bus No, no need to explain more She's just gone. So, bust accident, motorcycle hitzer. Motorcycle hitzer and I get to reconstruct her body, different story. Plus hitzer, she's dead. She's dead. She's dead and the bird.

Your wife's been hit by a, come on motorcycle. Come on motorcycle. She's dead. Her body's flies off a cliff, it's run over by a couple trucks. All right, she's totally dead. An elephant steps on her chest. Yes, it's totally dead.

Yeah. You're out there again. Do you think you're making chicks come left and right? Like, initially I was. Initially I was like, I was like, uh-huh. Like, like, where do you see what Captain Tingle brings your way? Yes.

And now I know that's not the fact. No. He is. So he has this persona that he believes but he doesn't really believe it. He presents it, right? He's terrified of women. Like when we first started dating,

he was fucking terrified of women. Really? A hundred percent. Thank you, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. He's terrified of them. I believe that. I believe that.

Because I've been around him and he actually, I think, reverts into like a sweet kid around women. He does, with me, when we first, he was terrified of me also. And he was also very uncomfortable with how much he liked me from day one. He didn't know what to do with it, and it was just oozing out of his body.

And I kept going, I get it. This is okay, actually. I'm good with this, you're good, but it's not normal. It's not like a normal guy thing. Yeah. So I think he feels uncomfortable with that sometimes. So he talks all this trash, and it's just trash. It's not true. You know to ignore it though. Completely. Let's see like that's the thing is because I feel like most most women that I mean I just think you know I

think a lot would would not be able to ignore the noise. Probably. But yeah I ignore a lot of his noise because a lot of his noise like this kind of talking makes him feel so good about himself. And okay, if I eat a nice cream, makes me feel good about myself, is he gonna be like all over me about it? Probably not. So whatever, it's not hurting anybody.

It doesn't hurt me. It hurt me. That's important. It would be different. That's important, I think, probably to an audience because there's a lot of people who listen or watch the show and be like, you know, with both of us, they'll be like, you know, that's crazy shit you said about whoever, this spouse. But it's not hurting you.

You know it is. It doesn't hurt me because it's not true. The thing about when he first started telling jokes about me on stage, this is what I said. If it's well written, you can do it. And I don't care what anybody thinks, because you and I know what's the truth. So no matter what is said on stage, it's said on stage for entertainment.

This is entertainment. It is. This is entertainment. And I mean it in the most flattering way. This is wonderful entertainment to listen to the podcast and hear you to bullshit about all the things you bullshit about. Because guess what two guys do when they get together?

They fucking bullshit and tell tall tales about the sex they had last night with their wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what this is. So if anybody can't figure that out, then that's my perspective. I stuffed it in Christina's mouth the other day. You did.

Yeah, so hard. Did she bite? No, she gagged. I mean, really far, though. I mean, it was really far. It was like, oh, wow. Yeah, it's good and brave. It was great.

What's this one? I fucked Lee and him. So good last night. Please tell me. Do we start? Yep. Are you guys ready? Yeah, we're ready now. and so good last night. Please tell me. To be start. Yep, are you guys ready? Yeah, we're ready now. Does he ever come in and go? I had the lamest sex ever.

No. No, yeah. That doesn't exist. That doesn't exist. Yeah, that doesn't exist for him. Yeah, you see. Yeah. What'd you do?

It was awesome. It was awesome. We did this thing where It's like imagine if you're both sitting in a chair, okay? So imagine you're both sitting in chair. So these are like right then you do this or like this That's how you Remember he gave it accurately describe it So you mean it wasn't like this? I don't know what he's talking about. You're a chair and you go like this?

No, I haven't had sex in a chair since I was about 25. I'm just talking about it. By the way, half the things when he's trying to describe something and he's terrible at it, I just go like, no, no, I get your sign. And I go. See, you have the patience I have. You allow him to have his hyperbole bullshit.

Yes. I just roll with it. Well, that's the thing I was thinking about, because people will hit me up about our friendship. And I actually thought about that the thing that I have with him, and I think it goes both ways, and it's probably what you have as well with him, is that we fully accept each other the way that we are Yes, I do. Yes, that's true

So we just like you know all my Quirks and everything he just like that's that's you I get like you just knows me Yeah, and goes with it and it's the same way. Yeah Half the crazy shit, you know Whatever it is whether it's the exaggerating or the Impulse control and I'm just like yeah, yeah, but that's who he is. That's right. And, you know, I try to enjoy him.

Right. Yeah. To not try and control him or change him, I try to enjoy him as exactly who he is. Because, you know, I grew up with a parent much like push who did not enjoy me and did not want to see who I really was. Was an interest in who I really was, wanted me to fit in a box.

And I think women in particular are not to be hard on my, my sex, but I think women in particular need men to fit in a certain box. And once they start spilling out of the box here or there with picking their nose or whatever. That's super dude. They get really unnerved about it instead of going, well, he's a dude. Dude's do stuff, women don't do, women do stuff, dudes don't do. So what's wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with that.

Half this yet. Bird does is really gross. Male or female. But all animals. Yeah, all animals. Yeah, any species, pretty much. There's one or two I could think of that wouldn't mind it. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know.

I don't know why people can't find a way to enjoy everybody. Yeah, you can. Everybody. It goes back to perspective though. Yeah, it does. You can change that. That's actually something you can change. Is there one more?

Is there one more thing? Awesome. Is she skinny now? She's always been skinny. She's always been attractive. Are we recording now? Good. So glad she's skinny now.

And so, so like her body looks awesome. Oh, it was fucking great. Oh, there you go. Big compliment to him that, yeah. It's very sweet. Yeah. I am skinny now. I know, you look great. I feel really him that, yeah. Very sweet. Yeah. I am skinny now.

I know, you look great. I feel really great. Good, that's good. Yeah. You put work into it though. I put work. Still. Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, I love it. I wish he would do the same for himself. So we could feel that way about himself. Yeah. Because he's in this cycle, man. I tell him this all the time. Your cycle is such self-hatred about his body. Yeah.

And they're just... I identify with that. What I tell him, well here's the thing. I identify incredibly with it. The difference is because, like mine's not healthy self-talk, but because his is worse, meaning more so and on display,

it makes me recognize that it's not healthy. You know what I mean? So like I'm doing the same thing to myself. Yeah, but not as bad. But his is worse. So then I go, man, I shouldn't, like, I shouldn't do that. And then it makes me go, you shouldn't do that. Because I'm seeing it.

Yeah. I'm seeing my own behavior in you. But yours is even worse. Right. So that's. You're a mirror for each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, we have a similar build

and similar probably, you know, impulses, I mean, a little different, but like, well, you know, I don't have like, I'm not into like the, the drinking as much. No. But I mean, I definitely with food and, you know, we both have like, you know, like, yeah, problems with it, I guess, you know, with like, Hey, man, fucking eating crazy or, you know, yeah, working out. We both work out, but yeah, when I hear him talk to himself, I'll be like, fuck man. Yeah, I'd break my heart a little bit because I go, well, for one, you're choosing this. So you need to just accept it and enjoy it.

Because you are choosing this over and over again and then beating yourself up and then re-choosing it and then beating yourself up. It's a cycle. If you're going to choose it, then at least enjoy it. Enjoy it, yeah. And if you're tired of choosing it, there are so many ways to choose something else. Yeah.

But you don't want to do either. You just want to keep in this punitive cycle and it's... It's a familiar cycle. It is familiar as well as something you witnessed growing up a lot, I think, and his family. His dad has always struggled with his weight, and he's very punitive with himself, so he learned it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I saw his dad, though, and I told him, I saw it because he was saying something about his dad, and I was like, hey, I saw that clip of your dad at your show, take his shirt off on stage with you. I thought he looked great.

He looks great. Yeah. he's in great shape now Yeah, yes, he is. He's doing a great job. Yeah So wait now going back to what you started with here is you You passed out and you fell and all that stuff So how are you going to take care of yourself? Moving forward. So this doesn't happen. Well, I Don't know how deep you want to go into the psychology of why that happened, but I am a 98% other focused based

on some like psychological testing I did, which is not healthy. Not focused on yourself at all. Correct. So I'm just going to try to focus on myself more. It's a really hard thing to fix because the perpetual motion machine that I find myself on from day to day,

they're never ending to do list. And I don't mean like, you know, wash the dog to do list. I do a lot for Bert also. Of course. And I'm on podcast and I have two teenagers and I'm remodeling two houses. So my perpetual never ending to do list is I don't rest until there's nothing on it which is impossible. Right. But that's it that's a survival mechanism. That's not

sustainable though. It's not sustainable. So how do you so propose making it sustainable. So what I started doing since I fell is to say you need to complete two things on the list today. Just two. And if there's something urgent, like you said earlier, this email came in at 630, and it won't overload me because I've only done two things. But you're not trying to do 20 things a day. Right. Like I had a really second to that in the 10 days.

Yeah. Yeah. I've really stuck to it. So like I had a meeting before this and I have this and I'm not doing anything else today. That's great. Unless something unexpected and urgent, but I'm not pushing myself through this list because most of the deadlines for the list were my deadlines. You know, some of the stuff with

Bert is not my deadline. So that I have to respect. But like choosing the faucets for the bathrooms, that's my deadline. But I get on this like, I gotta get the faucets done, I gotta get it done because then I have this next step and this next step and then the dog needs to go the groomer and then this and then this and then this and I just tried to stop that. And just go just two things, Leanne, and if something comes up urgent or emergent, you can handle it. But I mean, the stuff we were doing from October to right before I collapsed, I just, I remember in that meeting saying to Bert, this is not doable.

Like we can't actually achieve this. And we achieved it anyway. And at a cost. The collateral damage was I fell on my face and busted my face open from exhaustion. So it was, you know, I didn't make the call to push ahead with a lot of the stuff. Burt did. So perhaps next time I raise my hand and say, I'm concerned. Remember when I fell on my face?

Maybe this time. Yeah. It'll mean something different. It's good. Because sometimes you need the, like, the remind. Because I'll push it too, especially when touring is going on. Yeah. But then, like, it's one of those things where you just look at your other friends and you go, they're doing it too hard.

Yeah. And then it makes you go, this isn't, you don't need to rush through this tour. Right. You don't have to get it stuffed into this time period. Right. And take your time. You can. It's hard.

Bert always says, well, he says, each it casts checks, which means don't just suffer through and get the money when the money comes. My family says, make, hey, well, the sun shines, right? So you have this opportunity to grab as many opportunities as possible. And sometimes that window is small. So his perspective is, during this window,

I'm gonna grab as many as I can and unfortunately for my very blue collar background I have that same perspective. So we're maybe not a great combination in that where we become unbalanced when so many opportunities show up and Bert says yes to all of them. And then I go well if you're saying yes buddy I'm hitching this trailer up to this wagon and we are going. Let's go and and it was just too much going on. And not enough support. You know when COVID came all my support for the kind of minutia of life left. Right. Cleaning. My dog walker gone the tutor for Ila gone. So then I became the dog walker and the tutor and the cleaning person and everything else that was still going on. It was just too much.

Well, I'm glad you had the realization this way. Me too. Not in a worse way. It's pretty minor. All things considered, you know. I got to say, I think this is the best two bears ever. And it was nice to get in a whole bunch of words. And you had some really good words, Tom.

Thanks. Thanks. A lot of times before are like, they should be called, what is it, Bert talks, Tom listens, or. How funny. So funny when he comes on my podcast, I'll get an email going, could you just tell him to fucking mind his own business? He has an elf podcast.

I listen to him. I'm on this one, this one one I'm tired of hearing him. I'm coming to see you and I'm like, there's no stopping him. No, there's no, there's no. But actually, is it true of this? I enjoy it, I enjoy it. I have fun.

Well, thank you for coming. Thank you for having me. Yeah, this was a lot of fun. It was fun. It was fun. Thank you. And it was fun to, you know, but Bert, we love you.

We love you, Bert. I love you, baby doll. I love you too, but Bert, we love you. We love you, Bert. I love you, baby doll. I love you too, baby doll. Right. Bert, Tom, Tom and Bert, one goes top and swat the other, wears a shirt, Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts of bet a booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes, Rancho Hibber, no apologies. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave. you you you