2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 50 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

Grab tickets to the XXL event of the year: 2 Bears 1 Cave LIVE! October 15! Get tickets here: https://ymhvirtual.com/ SPONSORS: - Saatva.com/theshit for $225 off your order - Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code BEARS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Go to Whoop.com and enter “BEARS” at checkout to save 15%. The 2 bears Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the cave this week and are super super excited about the live show! They look up some fun toys to get for it and hope to question their sexuality by the end of the XXL event! We then check out the remaining hype men submissions for Tom and Bert. We then try to figure out who the most fun rich guys are, what Tom and Bert will waste their money on when they're fun rich guys, a little bit of smack talking about tennis, meggings, and more!

What if they said, hey, current celebrities, if we amputate your pinky toe right now, we'll never ask any questions in your past. How many of these recurrence celebrities will lose their pinky toe? You'd have a, like a pool full of toes. Like an Olympic sized pool. 100% Just got a text from a dominatrix.

What did dominatrix say? Send message. This one that you've dealt with before? Yup, this is Mistress Isabella. She tortured me. Pretty fucking smoking to pull her up. I think we talked about it on the show. We have. Yeah, and so.

What'd she say? I just checked in to see if that was still her number. And she said that is a Google number. I don't know that's a real thing. And Isabella Sinclair, Gwen Media. Go down. That's not her. Gwen Media is about a Sinclair. Sinclair. Let's see what kind of, do you ever think like you could get? Is there something sexual that you could get into that you hit the media page?

Yeah, there we go. Scroll here. Oh, yeah. Wait, let me hear a talk. Oh, yeah. She's got a pretty aggressive stutter. I'm kidding. Okay. I don't think the media, I don't think it's coming into us. Let's hear it. This day is on June 16th, so let me send a message to your husband, your father, or even your daddy, and let them know you appreciate them. June 16th, Father's Day.

Okay. Well, that was an Essex, because I thought it'd be you neither, but... First cameo shout out to Lucky Slay. Okay. And the next one could be for you. So send me a request. Okay. And I'll customize some...

Mm-hmm. Yep. Okay, and I'll customize some Yeah Let's see what kind of torture devices is there is there something sexually that you've never tried that you're always kind of curious about Yeah, I mean you know what I would love to have to do to you so we're cuz we're doing we're doing the The live show to each other well, that's the user thing. I want to hit you with like a cattle prod. They've got it, you know, Merrill Manson just got in trouble for her using it. No.

It's called the violent wand. Type in the violent wand. How'd he get in trouble? He almost got canceled by the girl he dated, Rachel Adams. Did he date Rachel Adams? Rachel Evans. I don't know.

There we go, violent wand. Where is it? That's it? Yeah. What am I looking at? It lights you up. Really we go. Violet wand. Where is it? That's it? Yeah. What am I looking at? It lights you up. Really?

Yeah. Lights you up. Oh, you know what we could do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get that, get that, get that. Let's see here. A beginner's guide. All right.

Does it say... Shop, yeah, yeah. So let's get these... Violet wand. Oh, it's a violet. Not let's get these violet one. Oh, it's a violet, not violent. Overill? Yeah. I don't get hung up on details.

Yeah. Wait, so go back up to the violet wand. Isn't that one right there? Hey, why even get a, why even spend money on a, on a dominatrix when we can just do this to each other? Why even spend money on a on a dominatrix when we can just do this to each other? This is a great idea, Tom.

Get, let's get, order the Violet Wand kit. Okay, buy one, okay. And this is what we can do. We can each get Violet Wands. And we're gonna wear no pants on this, right? We'll wear no pants, but truth or dare, and then if you lie or you don't want to answer you get put it in your asshole. You get violent ones. Yeah. Okay order that okay. Order a violent

one. Get a good one. Well this the live show is really turning out to be crazier than I thought. Yeah this is cuz I was down with booze and Weed and possibly snortables and snortables but With the idea of Using sex toys on each other was something I didn't plan for yeah, we're technically planning a gay porn Yeah, it's pretty cool. Do you guys want to watch this come? October 15th.

We should do the cum challenge. What's the cum challenge? Where you can't tell, it's almost like, do you probably haven't played me and my girls play mustard hands? You've told me about it. Mustard hands is you take mustard, you put it under the table, you then either squirt it in your hands is you take mustard you put it Under the table you then either squirt in your hands or you don't and then pass it around and it goes all the way around Then mustard goes back up top and then you rub your hands together and you have to guess the person that mustard on their hands

Okay, and so it's like did and you're it's it's just a way to piss off Leanne because we're like that's gonna say I'll definitely does it Georgia definitely does it. I definitely do it and Leanne never does it. Yeah. But if Leanne does it, then we lose our shit laughing because she never does it. So she's done it once and everyone's like, no fucking way. But we do this with Cumb, me and you.

What we do is we either fake Jack off or real Jack off, right? Dude, I'll really Jack off. And then you see us go, okay, did I really have an orgasm? Or did I fake it? And we got a guess. Okay. Wait, is that your orgasm? No, just like thinking about, so wait, do we come into like a bag or something? Ziplock bag? I don't know what, I don't, I think, I think you'd hear that. Oh yeah, you probably would. Yeah. We got also... This is a pretty bad idea. Yeah, this sounds pretty, but you're walking me down there.

Considering that we have like legit careers. Yeah, that we're jerking off on camera. This is why they have networking executives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because me and you, if left to our own devices, would just have sex with each other. Hahaha. with each other. Hahaha.

Dude, I gotta tell you something. You were kinda convincing me there for a second. I was like, okay, so- In my head, I'm like, this isn't gay, it's not cheating, it's funny. And then I was like, I think we're just sitting in a room back. We're being together. With Violet Wands. Sorry, Violent Wands. sitting in a room with a violet ones. Sorry, violent ones.

Do you ever get so close to the forest, you can't see the trees? You're just like, was it, you're telling me the idea of your creative show is you pressed your cough. There's nothing else more to it. No, no, we're electric dinners. We're gonna do it, not to help. We're gonna like freaking it out. You ready? You wanna do it? Oh.

So we just watched, we'll just watch porn that day. Oh, fuck. We should come in here not having come in like 10 days. So you're really ready. You should come in here not having come in like 10 days So you're really ready Are you going to pitch us the comment that I'm like we're gonna pass. I think we want you to Oh, I got it. I got it. This is this is pretty gay, but it works. Okay, ready? We I get you one of those they they sell this on the sex toy stores.

A theme that goes on your dick, and then I control that when it actually... I like it. So I had no making you come. Is this getting better? Yeah, pull that up. Yeah, go to like Adam and Eve. Oh, and oh my god. Oh What is that thing? It's gonna be I don't know how they it's gonna be like something from net for him for sure

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah for so that you're dating a paraplegic. She can still give you an orgasm She's blows on a button What is that? That's a what are these thing? You don't want a vibrating cock ring. This is like a sleeve Yeah, come on. This isn't this is a high-end podcast Yeah, I think I broke this you broke something. That's fine. We'll fix it. Yeah We'll fix it. Yeah. Silicon rechargeable butt plug.

That sounds fun. My secret remote of vibrating plug. Okay. That's not it. Scroll, scroll, scroll. How about this? Yeah, do a Google search for it. We each put vibratable butt plugs in.

Okay. We get small ones. It's not like really big ones. I'm gonna get a little butt plugs in. Uh. Okay. But get small ones. It's not like really big ones. Uh-huh. What is this? I think you just opened up Pandora's box. Holy shit.

Wouldn't it feel weird for you to take it to leave here and be like, I can't believe Tom made me come. I was really good. He had to go, I was the podcast. It was pretty good. Really? I had an orgasm. He had an orgasm. You have a Tom made me come.

I made me come. I made him come too. It was cool. Wait, do you think, what is it? Okay. I need to buy all this shit. I want the vibrating like pouch, you know, like sleeve. Like you put it in there and then this is just like a ring. We need like the actual like the fuck sleeve, you know? Yeah. Is it like a vibrating, isn't it like a vibrating or remote flesh type in vibrating

fuck sleeve? Yeah. Remote control love. What are you looking to fall in love? Dude, lovins, lovins. Someone has one of these in home. Yeah, the booth kind of jumped on that right. Lovins, get on the lovins.

No, is there not like a sleeve? Talk about how about remote control blow job machine. Here you go. Okay. So this is for a woman though. It's just all for a woman. Yeah. Oh say, hearing aid. It's a hearing aid.

Looks like a hearing aid. Okay's a hearing aid looks a hearing aid Okay, I like they were I like they were on the same page This is what we're not it. He's like I'll scroll through the whole fucking page for you You want to make how much it's not the thing you're looking for Okay, so what are these male okay? There we go the revolutionized male masturbation. Okay, now can, there's a phone there. So does it,

does it, you remote control it? Over your phone. Okay. Let's see. Why don't they have, have like a dude's dick inside this so we can see what it really works?

I think there's gonna be an animated one so I'm predicting. Yeah, but why not just like a regular one? I mean probably pornography laws three and a half inches See regular is there volume? Okay? Okay, here we go Dude Vibration low. Okay. Oh, yeah, I can feel it tingling right now. Warning. Warning low, it's blowing.

Yeah. Let's see. Uh-oh. Okay. All right. That's where you're going in. That is. All right.

A vaginal. Yep. Flesh-like TPE detected. Okay. Texture for extra pleasure. That looks good. The textures. Oh, what the fuck is that alien?

Oh, I thought that was real for us right now. Interactive. Oh. VR game. So this has a virtual reality? Oh, we should do it on Twitch. Select your position. What?

How does this work? Ooh, look at that says non-consensual. Sinking with max two. Oh, there you go. Hold on, hang on a second, hang on. So the phone does something there, right? Yeah, you control your sex toys feature. How does this work?

How have they not shot a porn for the... Oh, that's fucking brilliant. Okay, so here's what we do, here's what we do. We each get one of those and we go in separate rooms and then we end up fucking each other. No, here's what we do, Tom. Are you ready? Yeah.

Yeah. We both put them on and we give our wife the remote control and our wives decide when we have orgasms in the show. And we just leave our debts in it the whole time. We just leave our debts in the whole time. No, Kate, my son. I think those executives you were talking about are gonna be weirded out by it.

Why is it? Every time I have a good idea, an executive shoots it down. Like I said, don't worry. Cause Lyle's not with you. That's why. I need Lyle. it down. Like I said, I don't want to. Because Lyle's not with you. That's what. I need Lyle. Here's the idea I came.

Ready? New show. It's called Uncanceled. Okay. What we do is we take popular cancel celebrities. We bring them on a stage, a panel of canceled experts like Mel Gibson, Rosam Barr. Who have already been canceled? Been canceled and kind of had come back.

Right? Yeah. Bet Rothisberger, like, and then they go, so they go, all right, who's been canceled recently that's that we know, like someone that is you can use? Give me someone that's been canceled recently. Anybody? Who's been canceled? Go ahead. I can't think of anyone.

Ha ha. Canceled celebrity. Okay, okay, Jesse Smolette. Shane Gillis, you didn't, oh he gets a yard back. Yeah, he was gonna be on SNL. Yeah, all right, we go Jesse. Jesse's, okay, R Kelly. R Kelly or Jesse Smolette. They go, hey, welcome to, we go Jesse. Jesse's, okay, R Kelly. R Kelly or Jesse Smolette?

They go, hey, welcome to Uncancel, Jesse, is it Jesse or is it Jesse? Jesse? Yeah. It's a weird name. It's a weird name. Jesse, you lied about white supremacists hanging you with a rope and throwing bleach in your face

for what reason we don't know, but we don't care. We don't care. What we care is to get you on canceled. Do you want to be on canceled? He's like yes. Now America's gonna vote and so everyone's on their phone so they're all voting via phone app right? Yeah. And you're like should Jussie have a scar from his ear to his mouth and then they're like no worse. And he's like okay Jussie you get into a bathtub full of rattlesnakes and then he's like I won't do that. They're like, no, worse. And he's like, okay, Jussie, you get into a bathtub full of rattlesnakes. And then he's like, all right, I won't do that.

And they're like, okay, that's what we want. And so then he does that and gets bit by rattlesnake. And then he's uncanceled. I like your show for a minute. And then I think just the next step, I think it was, I like the idea of people voting. People voting of how, let's bring you something.

Here's the cool thing. Okay. You add, oh, let's bring, oh, get a brilliant idea for the live show. What? We can add, we're adding elements to this. Yeah. What if we bring a canceled celebrity on our show and we punish them to get them on canceled? We make them have orgasms in front of us. Yeah. Why are they, they're not liking this idea on the booth at all. Oh, here's what I was thinking. You do the thing you said, but they have to have that dick sleeve on, and we can make them come whenever we want. Yeah.

So that, I mean, someone close to us that has been canceled. Yeah, there are. For real? Hahaha. Hahaha. canceled. Yeah, there are. For real? Hahaha. Hahaha. Yeah. Yeah. Ryan Adams. What was Ryan Adams, cancel, for?

They tried to cancel Marilyn Manson. Wait, for the, for the, he wants, I guess, I guess he was abusive to Rachel Evans. Really? Ryan Adams dated the fucking blonde hair girl Yeah, yeah, I heard about under 18 a. J. says there what that's what it says who the fuck but who is he? I think I was thinking of Brian Adam. Yes, what I was thinking who's Ryan Adams? Who the fuck's Ryan Adams? I don't know I thought he dated the girl that with the blonde hair that everyone loved It was cute cutie-tootsie. I don't know mayor princess diaries. I don't know. I don't know. I thought he dated the girl with the blonde hair that everyone loved. It was cutie-tutsie.

I don't know. Mayor Princess Diaries. I don't know. I don't know who it is. Let's see. Scrawl up to his face. I don't know that guy. He does not look attractive.

Okay. He's your songwriter. Okay. He's well known. He's, he's, he's, he's, okay. All right. Well, he's done. Do you want to bring him on sure you two be getting Ryan Adams and then and then we'll be We'll get our fans to vote on how to punish him Yeah, and like be like hey man. You need to cut an inch off your dick come on or something. No, I'm that that's too much

Well, but doctor do it, but uh What if what if they were like what if you said to a celebrity, right? What if you had cancel celebrities and you go do you you, in order to get canceled, all you gotta do is you gotta let us amputate your pinky toe. Do you know what you guys would be like, I'm in. So I'm saying, what if, okay, how about this? What if they said, hey, current celebrities, if we amputate your pinky toe right now,

we'll never ask any questions in your past. How many of these are current celebrities who have lose their pinky toe? You'd have a pool full of toes. Like an Olympic sized pool. Oh pool full of toes. I'm pink toes. Oh yeah, yeah, take them both off.

I don't want to, I don't want to, yeah, do you want a second one? I have two. Yeah, so many. So many. Yeah, the, I was thinking, did you see Shepels, I mean, acceptance speech? Yeah, yeah, uh, I was thinking, did you see Sheppell's, uh, Emmy Acceptance speech? Yeah, yeah, it was like outside, right?

Right. I think he was doing it in his summer camp, but we still have not gotten invites to have it gotten the invite now. Do you think, should we lobby? Let's just call Don Allen see what are the odds will get invited? I think I can probably answer that before you call him. Really? Yeah.

I don't think, I don't think we're gonna get a call. Uh, I will. By the way, isn't it late? Is it like October? Oh yeah. Summer camp not over yet? Yeah, it's gonna start getting cold in Ohio. It is. He was breathing cold air in that speech.

I saw it. Yeah, what is he got, he's gotta be done with the summer camp, I guess. I think he's just liking that since touring's not available really. He had, he had alley-w, who you're really close with. Best friends with. Okay.

Yes, I'm friends with Ali. She's great. She's not fast, right? No, but we're friends. Just so she knows. Okay. And he had, who else was there? Chelsea Handler.

Yes. And some other slam piece, like Smoke Show, fucking comedian-huh. I forget. There's another hot cheat. You know all the hot chick comics go Do do a show there. Yeah, I mean But also How's it burrs been there burrs been there Louie was there Louie was there Donnell's there a bunch John Stewart John Stewart's poppin. David Letterman. Fucking crazy. Sinbad. Sinbad did it? No. Oh, I'm saying names that I think.

But did Letterman go? I think he did go. Letterman did go. Letterman did go. And then here's what we need. Here's what we need, Tom. We need to set up a little one of these things for us. Do ours? Yeah. Okay. Where? Ampitheater.

See the problem is the problem is, no, we should do like what he does. In other words, go to a place that has a few acres, like a park or something. You know? Yeah, no, and set up what he does, like an outdoor, but controlled space. What about in oh, I Yeah, like that's the right idea. We buy some land to know. Oh my god. I have the brilliant place. What?

Joe's house Joe Joe Rogan's house. He's got a house here. He's not using we go ahead Joe. We'll side you like a 50. Oh Knowing Joe Right now He'll yes, so, how many do you want to do? He'll be like, why don't you stay at my house, sleep there and invite other people to sleep there too. He thinks Joe is just letting us have his house? Absolutely.

That's a very Joe kind of thing to like, you guys should just, you know what, throw the show in my house. Forget going outdoors, do it inside my house. Yeah, well, just go, Joe. We're just gonna need your pool. Yeah. Can we just live there for a while?

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Goddamn it. I'm going back on the road. Why? I don't know. You don't need to. Why are you doing that?

I don't know. I'm serious. I really don't know anymore. Like, need to, why are you doing that? I don't know. I'm serious. I really don't know anymore. Like, I- Why are you doing so many dates? Because I get, so I get, I can't just sit on my hands, I start getting antsy and I go, I'm wasting my life. I'm wasting my life.

I, I, and it feels so good to come up with a bit and then go, like, and I miss it. I miss it so much. Yeah, of course I miss it too. And I don't I don't like like Whitney asked me to go to a house and do stand-up over there. Yeah. And I was like I don't I don't want to do it. Stand up to everyone's assistant. Yeah. You know like I want to do stand-up to lot. Like a lot of people. Yeah. Like it seems fun but it's like it's I don't know. Would you see what's going on in Whitney's house? She's got like an estrogen compound over there.

I don't know. Are you being serious? I haven't seen it. Type in Whitney's Cummings Instagram. Whitney Cummings Instagram is, it is nothing but smoke shows at her house. Really? Yeah, she was in the sauna with, old girl there. Look at that, Olivia Munn. Yeah, Olivia Munn's, so I was supposed to do a show

with her. Do you wear? Yeah. And she bailed out. She walked out for the last second. Why? I don't know. I don't know.

So wait, what are we looking at? Oh, the girls in the sun. She's all these women are over to her house. It's like, she's taken over. She's taken her. She's the female Joe Rogan. She's living her best life. She's the female Joe Rogan.

Who's this rock, bite her? Who's this guy? Yeah, who the fuck is this? I don't know where the boundaries lie. That's already something you don't wanna be tagged in. What, who is he? I have no fucking idea. Let's see.

Bapapapap. Is it popping neuroscience? Thank you, click his name. That guy's a PhD, I thought he was a fucking UFC fan. This is rock-piter. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Professor, I really thought this food was like,

and then one time I made a guy's ear off. Brain research and education posts are not medical advice. Yeah. Smart guy. Yeah. Okay. Well, all right, smart dude. See, I have no interest in being around smart people.

No. That's good. It goes back to my fucking, Okay, well alright smarty. I have no interest in being around smart people. No That's good. It's it goes back to my fucking I'd rather be with a mouth-breathing giggler than a smart person who's got to pick it all apart. Yeah, you know, that sounds like that I believe that you're telling the truth. Oh, 100%. Uh-huh. Uh, 100%. I would much rather be with a,

I'm sorry, but, but it's one of our finest minds, and you really aren't going to have to shut up and hear him out. Let us hear it. What is the purpose of being with someone who doesn't want extra cheese on it? You know what I mean? Right. Like, somebody just says, like, there are all the rules and they got to figure things out. And they got to,

you know what I was thinking about? I was thinking about how boring, or how much it sucks when a rich person is a shitty rich person. Do you know what I mean? And I was thinking that because I actually, I love when you double down on my ideas with this. Yes, I really,

because I do agree on that. Like, I was thinking like, Joe's a fun rich guy. Yeah. He's like, he's what you want in a on that. Like, I was thinking like, Joe's a fun rich guy. Yeah. He's like, he's what you want in a rich guy. Like, he has fun, he gets toys, he's generous, he gets shit that he likes, he's like, check this out, it's in his cool.

All right, fun rich. That's what you want. Fun rich guys. Yeah, fun rich guys. Five fun rich guys, okay? Well, you definitely have to have Cuban in there. More Cuban's one of the funnest rich guys in the live. He's to buy, if you're like a rich guy, like you hit it big and you're like, I'm gonna buy Cuban in there. Because... More Cuban's one of the funnest rich guys alive. To buy, if you're like a rich guy,

like you get, you hit it big and you're like, I'm gonna buy an NBA team, you're automatically a fun guy. $4.2 billion. Yeah, that's a fucking fun guy, though. I hate to say that this is like a Omen or a motif. Yeah. Like a spirit animal,

but I'm hearing the word billion a lot in my life lately. Yeah. You feel like you're on your way? I feel like I'm, I feel like, I feel like with certain holding companies I'm a part of, that I wouldn't be shocked if I ended up being a billionaire. Yeah.

If I'm gonna be a billionaire though, I gotta start living my life a little healthier. Why is that? Because I wanna get to the billions and then fucking train off the rails, right? But you would get there. You would get there. You would get there.

You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there.

You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there. You would get there., we get payouts immediately. Obviously all our investors that invest in our company,

they get their cut, they're now all millionaires, which is cool for them, they never play not being millionaires. By the way, I'm gonna apologize, this is the way I talk, but I am a billionaire at this point, so I'm gonna be very fucking blunt. Yes. A lot of them invested $5.

Now they're a millionaire from that $5 investment. Wow, you're gonna return. Cause we invested nothing, and now we're a billionaire. Right. And by the way, this is the way This is why I don't like being around smart people because they already don't have this conversation. Right And they're like wait a minute What type of shares are we talking about type of pet does it pay dividends? Yeah, you're like, what's up? I'm a billionaire smart people

Don't dream right smart people sit there in reality and then pick a part your idea. Yeah, fucking morons dream right put me at a Table full of morons and let's pipe dream ourselves a billion dollars, right as opposed Put me at a table full of morons and let's pipe dream ourselves a billion dollars. As opposed to give me a table full of smart people in two morons and then have them bully us. We are morons but we are going to be billionaire morons. Suck on that. Yeah. And so we get our payout. Okay. Billion dollars. Yeah, we each get a billion dollars. Yeah. Yeah. This retirement time. Okay. You're 50. I'm 54. What do we do? What's our first purchase? I mean, we're totally okay. For yacht. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty dope. Fucking definitely getting a yacht.

Yeah. And then like the, you know, like the Maui beach front house. Oh, okay. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, I didn't think that way. Yeah. Do we go, do we get next door houses in Maui? Sure, yeah. And we, and it just stalks with like that, that dick sleeve that vibrates,

that like I'm always turning mine on for you. I can't believe we went from turkey each other off the beat billionaires. That's a fucking... What did I say it again, Donnell? See. Oh yeah, we didn't finish my accents last night. Oh yeah, we never finished your accent.

There's a few more of my guys that talk, that talk up this idea for me. Yeah, there's a, this is Mike. Mike, who's defending me, like listen, we're just billionaires and I think we need to buy the bucks. You know what I mean? Get him! Yeah.

Great fucking point, Tom! I love this dude, when you have these hype men in your corner, you can achieve anything. Yes. Oh my god! That's one of our first. You need confidence, man. Yes, the thing, we're spending money on. We're hiring our fucking hype men.

Yeah, oh, definitely. Full salary, Lyle. Full salary, just hang around us, and just jump in, kind of be paying attention. Yeah. That's one of our, by the way, when we're thinking of business ideas of how to raise our billion.

Yeah. First thing, it's an app that's a personalized hype man for you. That's a great one. So you need a hype man. Yeah, and so it's so great. This is an awesome app. We haven't come out with it yet, but it'll be like, it'll be man for you. That's a great one. So you need a hype man. Yeah, and so it's so great. This is an awesome app. We haven't come out with it yet, but it'll be like profile you, your age,

and you'll be like 28. And they're like cool. What's your favorite accent? You're like Asian. And then you get like Asian hype man from like one can Dr. Ken played the guy from. Yeah, and I think you know what the next step is for the hype man?

To hype you up. Like right now he's defending what you're saying, but now you need loud to be like, but you have brilliant ideas, mate. You have a small blow. Oh, daily affirmation. Yeah, daily affirmation. Swipe up and you're like, and you're like,

you're like, and I want that. Time to say whatever the fuck you want. That's what I'm talking about. I want that guy to do a like a long like, time you the shit. Can't nobody fuck with you, like a long one, you know? And we even do, how about this? We even do like a derivation.

Sometimes what we're gonna do, because it's the way you're feeling, so you don't wake up in a good mood, right? And so you type into the thing, feeling kinda lazy today. And what it does, you ready for this? Is you hear a woman's voice telling you why you're not anything in life And then our height name comes in and shut through the fuck up and tells him no, no mother fucker

I don't know about that bird get the fuck out into me you absolute Toby Right you might have had a skimful you might have had one too many to drink Good point, all right, you might have had a skimful. You might have had one too many to drink But the man makes a lot of sense such as pipe down Keep your lips stumb and let birth finish what you say on the right mate. Yeah, yeah Yeah, especially to a woman right? Like really shit on that woman for being my wife's voice. I mean my wife's voice Well, Bert, you you're writing your're writing checks with your ass can't cash. Uh, a shut Toby.

Yeah, he's like, shut up, yeah. He should do one for Liam, you know? Like she's like, oh, Bert, always exaggerating, shut up. That's not what happened. That's not what happened. Liam, were you there? No, you won't, were you shut the fuck up?

Shut the fuck up, bud. Yeah, bud. Hang on, well, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, bird. Yeah, bird. Hang on, whoa, whoa, stop a second. Let Bird talk, okay? Leanne. And let the man talk. There you go, you need to have that playing in your hat on sonos.

Yeah, last night she tried to tell it. She was gonna tell a story, and then I was like, I was like, I'll tell you what, why don't I tell it? Okay, and then everyone's gonna enjoy it. She was like, she was like, no, because it's not real. When you tell it's not real, and I went, no, it doesn't matter that it's real.

It doesn't matter, is everyone enjoying it? Or are they sitting there going, is it over yet? I can't tell, am I supposed to read it from your face? Yeah, like what's the story here? Yeah. This is a really good point. God, you need that at home. Yeah, you need a lyle that just move in with you.

I'll be fucking awesome. Oh, you're keeping you here a bedroom. You're like a muffled voice. Lynn, is that you talking again? Let's talk. What across the house? You look at that. Are you a doctor?

Yeah. Are you a doctor? Are you a doctor? I love that. Shut up, Lynn. Are you a doctor? All right you a doctor. Are you a doctor? I love that shot up Leanne you a doctor. All right. All right. All right. All right. There you go Um All right, so I keep going back to this billion dollars. I really yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, wait

We were making our list of awesome rich guys. Okay. He's a fun one. So I'm saying fun rich guys You know who's a boring rich guy? The most boring rich guy? Warren Buffett. You know why? Cause he keeps count. He's like, oh yeah, and then that money compounded. Now I have $88 billion, but I live in a fucking quarter million dollar house, and I drive an 11 year old Cadillac.

Boring as fuck. Two fun shit like Elon Musk. Fun rich guys. Like I'm making space ships. I'm making shit underground tunnels. I'm putting fucking AI chips in pig's heads and I'm telling them to fucking how to read like fun. Crazy shit.

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. Spend your money. Spend your, if you ever billionaire and you're like, I'm just being conservative. Why? Yeah. Why are just being conservative. Why yeah? Why are you being conservative be fun? No one likes a boring billionaire Paul Allen was fucking fun He bought the the what is it the Seahawks and he bought the trailblazer the co-founder of Microsoft

He died, but he had crazy yachts and he would have parties and just be like oh Beyonce come come sing like four songs at my birthday party Here's here's 30 million dollars or whatever parties and just be like, oh, Beyonce, come sing like four songs at my birthday party. Here's $30 million or whatever. That's fun, that's what I'm talking about. So, Mahayyx husband, probably pretty fun. Listen, I'm also going to get her pregnant, also, my dad. Yeah, and he's going to be like, and by the way, I don't want to hear about it. Don't even think that you're bringing this up.

Oh, sorry, I don't speak English. I don't speak English. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, by the way, the new Gucci collections in your closet. I'll be back at six. Ooh, do we keep our wives if we get billion dollars? Yeah, of course, as like, they're, they're, you know, they hold it down, they're, yeah.

And they have, they live in our LA houses. Yeah, and then like when you bring, you'll bring like your new, like your 26 year old girlfriend, like Lee and his like, here's what he lacks. And like, oh yeah, almost like, almost like, almost like an executive assistant. Well, keep on our wives like executive assistant. So when we bring in new talent,

they can kind of shepherd them in the right direction of like what they need to be doing. Right. Right. Yeah. He lacks his eggs over medium. Like his eggs ever. Hey, everyone know what a frog in a hole is?

I'm going to show you how to make it. You take this bread, put a cup on a cut center out, put a fried egg in the middle, put cheese for every one time. Don't burn the cheese. Good French cheese. I heard she's like, oh my gosh. You know, everything but likes. Yeah.

Well, been with him for a while. Just so you know, I don't do it, but blow jobs are a big deal with him. Now, he's going to need a lot of mucos. He's that mouth one made for talking. And burst ears, they made for this. Not one of what I've turned into. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ah, Nami. Ah. And then I find out she's just set up my check to do chores around the house to help her out. And I'm like, hey, wait, I brought a ring and then it's like,

she don't know, no, better. I think Christina would let me have one if she was like disabled, you know? Like, if Christina was disabled? No, yes, also. But, yeah. If she was like, if she was like if she was like bedbound and like I don't know what you're saying blink if you're not happy with her being here

But I think I think I'm like hey, I got this girl. She'd be like what are you doing? I'm like she can't talk she can't read she's in a cage Like I'm just gonna you you know, oh fuck. Should be like, all right. Oh, okay. House is in Maui. Yeah. Yeah. It's planes. Do we share plane? Sure. Yeah. We're smart now with chefs. Oh, probably chefs. Yeah.

It's crazy toys, you know, like shit. That's not really out. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, motorcycles, private chefs. Yeah, crazy toys, you know, like shit that's not really out. Yeah, yeah. Oh, motorcycles, matching motorcycles. Motorcycles that fucking are conflote or something. What if, what if, what if, and I know that I'm saying this right now, and in the future, you're actually watching this. And some fun shit, you gotta do fun shit too. Fun shit meaning not just like prop, like a toy,

but where you go like, oh, I built a, like a park. Oh yeah. In the center of the city that has, you know, like that fake skydiving thing, you know what I mean? Like where you, where like the air pressure makes you float in it. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about?

But you give it to the public. You go, no, no, anybody can go here. Like anybody. Yeah, the indoor skydiving thing. See if anyone's placing diving boards around the city. What if we put diving boards around our city? Diving boards, but there's no pool. It's just a easy way out.

Yeah. It's just like life's rough. Here's a diving board. Suicide board. Yeah, people just say, don't put. That's a great idea. Just diving boards, like an art installation. We should definitely do some art installations.

I'll tell you the fun thing. Here's the perfect fun thing back up for Elon. He made the fucking flamethrower. Remember the flamethrower gun? For no reason at all. That's right, that's a fun rich guy thing. That's what I'm saying. That's fun.

Yeah. I think we would. Not a hedge fun guy who's like, and then in the second quarter we found out that using the derivatives didn't split up. So it's perfect example of the billionaire I don't want to be. Right. What if, and I said this earlier, but what if right now we're dead, right? We're dead. This is 50 years from now. Okay.

And kids are studying this in school. This, and they're like, this is the way businesses are made now. Is you get two guys with a bunch of half-baked ideas. And then we just invest in them. And then they don't care because it's not their money. And they take real gambles with the money. And they double them down and double them down and double them down. And they're like, and people often lose all their money. But the good thing, the upside is sometimes those guys will come.

What if we're like, yeah, God, we do have fucking horrible ideas. Yeah, yeah. But we got a great hype man back in us up. And that's all that matters. Yeah, listen to time. He motherfucking brilliant and shit. See? You know what I mean?

It's an indoor skydiving place that anybody can use. You don't have to pay. And if you walk right outside, you'll see a diving board to nowhere. Oh shit, Tom caught a body. Yeah man, this is perfect. Listen to us man. Oh fuck. It's a perfect man. This is perfect. It really is.

I'm gonna be so fucked up on the 15th. I can already feel it. I am planning on... Can we can't smoke joints in here, can we? I mean, I think... The fact that it's the evening, we might be able to... Probably? Did you say probably? We might be able to, to probably, is it you say probably, we should be able to smoke cigars.

cigars are usually have a very delicate sense that no one really picks up on. You think someone would notice? Not the sprinklers. Not. Okay. I want to pitch you our live event, okay, me and Tom are drunk and high Smoky to the gar is jacking each other off

Fucking speak up right as we're about to go and then the second one will be like live From the arbitration lawsuit like hearing you know like when this This business building just goes is it too late to cancel this live event? I feel like this is just a horrible, but this is a horrible idea Is it we feel like they need more so we're just gonna jerk you down you don't have to jerk me off man oh my god I can't believe you're coming in my He's like the next live Oh

Shit Wish we had Elon Musk's number so we could run our ideas by him. Call Joe. He'll give to you We should run our ideas by Joe. Joe's a smart. He's not a billionaire though. No, but I mean smart guy He's not he's not he's Joe doesn, Joe's not gonna like any of our ideas. He didn't like hip-hop dance training. He didn't like hip-hop dance training. Yeah, he was like, I don't like, there's a horrible idea.

It worked out go for us. Yeah. How long have you been training with tennis? Very aggressively. Yeah. And how was it? How's it going? I was gasped today.

Like, I was very hungover and I'm I do it. I just it's it like I looked at my watch and I was like I've had to been here for half an hour and I've been there playing for eight minutes and you're straight eight minutes straight Of just fucking volume on the baseline. Yeah, and I was exhausted And he'll get up to he'll get get up to the net and start fucking till he'll go tell me when, tell me when, just hitting him harder and harder and I just can't say when, I just go, come on, come on, come on, come on. Interesting, how are we going to do our live tennis match?

Well, I don't think the tennis match will be live, we'll probably shoot the tennis match. Why wouldn't we do a live paper view? Of the tennis match? Yeah, I mean, just a paper view. No edit. No edit. Um, I guess it's, I don't know, is that possible? How do we do that?

Uh, yeah, that it be possible. Uh, we'd have to do it around somewhere with good internet and then we could make it happen, yeah. Oh, I guarantee you there's a billionaire that's got a tennis court on their house. Well, a lot of them do. Dr. Phil. Yeah, do you think he wants to host this? that's got a tennis court on their house. Well, a lot of them do. Dr. Phil. Yeah, do you think he wants to host this?

Joe's best friends with his son. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, Dr. Phil is his son's name I think is ex-quire Phil. I'm trying to think of a joke here. Um. Nurse Phil. No.

Is this the new stuff? No, this is the, uh, this is, yeah, this is some working on this this the new stuff? No, this is the, this is, yeah, some working on this on the new tour. New tour. Body shots world tour. I haven't left yet. No, what is it called?

Some are hot summer nights. I gotta come up with more tours. Hey, when do you think we're going back on the road? Road road? Road road. I have some dates now into the new year, but it's like a club weekend, casino, that kind of stuff. Really?

But road road doesn't start till next summer. You don't think? Well, it might, but that's when my stuff all moved to then. Really? Mm-hmm. Sucks. Fucking crazy. It is.

You know, a quick way to make a billion dollars. Tell me. If we can cure this to make a billion dollars. Tell me. If we can cure this coronavirus shit. Oh, that's it. We should come up with some real backyard remedies. Okay. Like, if we could just find out, like, if you found out that, like, I tried to convince him by the way to do a promo.

Nadav's sitting at Bathtub a gasoline and then I throw a cigar, and somebody told me you can't start a fire that way, so it's actually pretty safe. Really? Yeah, and that could cure coronavirus. What if coronavirus, and this is just a soft pitch, and I don't know how to monetize this, but what if coronavirus could be cured by just everyone whispering yeah yeah yeah that's actually not a bad idea even I'm not a monetized whispering I don't think you can I go yeah but when people really start getting too loud you gotta go

I'm fucking telling you gotta keep going oh do the heart, yeah, shut the fuck up, come on I keep repeating myself I like, what if we did our whole Aero live event in ASMR? Yeah, I think it's gonna make a lot of people upset But a few people really have Do you feel like we're in bed with each other under the covers right now? Um, not till you mention it TOO-A-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L- Do you feel like do you feel like we're in bed with each other under the covers right now? Why is it so creepy? I don't know man, if you creep here if we had those things on our text

And then I just I kept doing like this and you're like oh my god, I feel that on my dick. Wheeeee! Wheeeee! Wheeeee! Wheeeee! Hey, what are you- Oh, Whitney texted back. What did she say? No. We call her-

She's being so fucking selfish with her. Yeah. Okay. You want a collar? No, she won't answer my phone, girl. Can I collar? I think, I think, honestly, I think that... She won't answer mine either.

No, she'll answer yours before mine. I don't know. Should I collar? Yeah, she thinks you're more successful than I am. Shut up, dude. That's why she'll answer your collar. No, mine. She thinks I'm a peon.

Don't say that. Mm-hmm. Ask her. Let's see if she answers. I bet she doesn't answer. I bet she does. I bet she has nine women in a hot tub right now. She didn't answer me the other day. Telling you, why don't you answer her fucking phone? Second answer Hello, oh, oh my gosh, she sounds just like the Oh Hello

Oh my gosh, she sounds just like the owner of that lady that does the voice at the town I wonder if when people call her they're like hello, she's like at the town. I'm just kidding. It's me Nancy I love that she is no, why is she do that? Why didn't she just help us? Like I don't understand. okay, can I tell you? The problem with Whitney? Yeah. I hope you're watching this Whitney. I hope you're watching this.

The problem with Whitney is- I'm about to find out too Whitney. She's smart. That's her problem. Yep. She doesn't have enough moron in her to let loose sometimes. She needs more moron in her. And here's the problem,

is she's so smart, she'll never date a moron. So if you're that smart, morons aren't attractive to you. You can't find the beauty in a moron. Do you know what this sounds like to me? What? You're upset that she doesn't like to do more. Yeah, like,

she went in for my phone calls. And you're like, so what did I'm done? I could help you. Yeah. I, like, when we did that Adam Sandler interview. Yeah. It went so bad. That's so great and I was so excited

When I saw happy happy Madison happy Gilmore My god, you're so fucking talented. I think she was I think she was stunned that I was That stupid yeah, and then it worked with me. I wonder if she's ever dated a fucking legit moron. That's a good question. I don't know if we'd get it if she'd answer her phone. She won't answer our phone. That's problem is she's too smart. She's too smart for her own good. Now you heard it. And now you know it. Smarty pants. Whitney is too smart. You're too well. Well, well stop a second Let Bert talk okay give him a minute and let the man talk. I bet her IQ is through the fucking roof and that's your other problem Is she's too smart? She's too busy doing smart people things

Why don't you do a voice note and tell her that real quick? You know, I mean He's real quick. I want to tell you... What your problem is. I think it's a bad idea. I think I just did it here and I still think it's a bad idea. Oh, okay, okay. Great fucking point, Tom! I think you should tell her.

Tell her that we think she's too smart. No, no, we didn't know. This is your thought. Okay. I think you should tell her. Tell her that we think she's too smart. No, no, we didn't know. This is your thought. OK. But I am supporting you, but it's your thought. Whitney, it's time in Burt. We're on our podcast. We wanted to tell you what was wrong with you. Give us a call.

All right. I love you. That was really rude. Do you want to know what's ended then? Well, the way that you worded it, you made it like we were gonna tell you and then I let you... Oh, okay, then send it. Let's see what it sounds like. With me, it's Tom and Bert, we're on our podcast.

We wanted to tell you what was wrong with you. Give us a call. Alright, I love you. Oh yeah, it does sound like you don't love her. Yeah, it's rude. Send it. Do whatever you want. Alright. You send it?

Yep. Let's... Okay, what's a female comic that's a moron? You did send it. You sent it. You sent it. I think what if, okay, what if we, we start like an institute,

okay, an institute to kind of get you back to being a kid again. It's like the one thing that you and Leanne said about me that I really did enjoy was that I am a child, like I'm a nine year old in my head. I'm not, I've never really grown up in like any moment I get into for me, my business is about comedy, so I don't really give a fuck about a ton of stuff

other than giggling. And so if we do go sit down in a place, I am constantly thinking about jokes about that place or ways to make us laugh. And it's why I love that, I love that. But there's not enough people that are doing that. There's so many people that are wrapped up in the world of like, of like, I got like so much as serious these days.

What if we started like a dumbet down school? Dumbet this right back? Notification, no she didn't right back. Yeah. She's gonna ignore. Why? I don't know. What's, what's gonna ignore why I don't know what's what's

Huh If she could tether herself to us I might be the amount right amount of brilliant what you need yeah Start a business where like we cut her in on this is what we do. We will wait you're this smart You hang out with us all send you're not so smart Yeah, and all sent a lot of fun things start happening in this dumb new space that you're occupying. Yeah. Time to say whatever the fuck you want.

You know what I mean? By the way, I hate to say this. We are now with our hype men. We are stuck in our own echo chamber of moronic thoughts. That's how you really get stupid. Yeah. Yeah. This is the beginning of us hitting Twitter.

This is all Twitter. You just hear people that agree with you. I love having Nigel and what's his name? I don't know. Why didn't give him a name? I think I just mixed name. I think I did name him. He did?

Lyle. Lyle's yours. I'm with the, I'll go with Darnell. Darnell? Yeah. That's a good name. Yeah. See.

See. Thanks, Dee. Oh, okay. So, what do we learn today? How's your tennis training going? Tell me your skill level. It's no, I'm like, like you just a little better. It's like, um.

Wait, what's the wager gonna be on this? We have to discuss our wager. What should it be? That's what I'm saying. Um you just a little better. It's like, um. Wait, what's the wager gonna be on this? We have to discuss our wager. What should it be? That's what I'm saying. What's gonna be pretty big in sending or just jerking each other off for fun? Ha ha ha. What should the wager be?

I mean, you get to be the tennis champ. That's pretty big. Also, you by the way began this when I brought a tennis, you're like, I will fucking obliterate you. I love that you said you go, you go, you've never seen me play tennis, I go, I don't need to. Yeah.

It was very you. Oh, it's, oh yeah. Oh yeah. I was like, wait, are you really good? And you're like, I'll kill you. I was like, okay. I might, I served today and I aced my coach. It's great.

Yeah, I'm pretty amazing. You're, this is good. Yeah. How good are you? I think I'm probably like, skill 110. 10 being a professional tennis player. Okay, that means like, one being a child. One being a child.

Five. Probably eight or nine. Okay, then, then you're gonna kill me. What if we what if we okay? Just trying to think of ways things to add to our portfolio. Okay. What if this is our holding company holding company Okay, I gave a lot holding ink holding corp holding corp. Uh-huh. We gotta come up with it We need to do a headshots for that by the way. Yeah. No, no, that's happening I already have a photographer coming actually actually. A website, set up, a way to invest. And by, wait, there are people dumber than us,

that it would put money towards us. Yeah, yeah. There are other people out there, even dumber than us. And they'll support this. This is actually a good idea. Yeah, yeah, you're right. And when we say stuff that it's not smarter,

it just sounds smarter. Like we're buying a lot of property in Eastern Africa. We're gonna be like, it's a brilliant idea. That's not a good idea. But diamond mines. Oh, okay. Diamond mines, I, it's, fucking, I saw a movie about it with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Yeah. Blood diamond? Yeah, all you need is one diamond and you are rich. Michael Fleming. Do you wanna get in on this? Or not? Yeah, all you need is one diamond and you are rich. Mike, do you wanna get in on this or not? Yeah, hey, do you wanna be a millionaire? Or do you just wanna sit there at your cubicle and not wanna maybe have diamonds all over the place? Yeah, yeah.

I feel like we're turning into step brothers. Do you feel like that? Yeah, which one are you, you think? I feel like I'm John C. Riley. Really? Was he dumber than the... Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I don't know, I just was... Ha! Ha! Ha! Did you get fucked up last night? Yeah. Oh my god. What'd you drink? Uh, vino.

Little fitvine. I've been drinking the fuck out of fitvine. Yeah. I love fitvine. How what's your drink? Vino, little fit vine. I've been drinking the fuck out of fit vine. Yeah. I love fit vine. How much did you drink? Mm-hmm. A bottle change? Two bottles?

Probably three. Probably three and then I lit a joint. And it was really great because we have a new sponsor. Yeah, the CBD one? Yeah, yeah. Is that up? That's us, right? I don't know. Yeah, I think so.

Nadav. I don't think it's on this episode, but I think we might be working on something. No, no, they just sent me a bunch of product, right? Yes. Or is that for broadcast? I don't know. But we got a sponsor. I forget, I wish I knew the name of it right now, because I would really be helpful.

But they sent a smokeable CD CD joint CBD joints. Yeah, so I had a pack of them I had a bunch of them not a pack but I had a few yeah, and we were all sitting in the kids right inside And we just lit up the CBD joints and the kids came out and they're like what are you guys smoking my water? I want to get CBD. I by the way, you could have just told them in CBD. They don't have no fucking idea anyway Yeah, true, but we lit the CBD joints and then I was like, wait, if they're smoking CBDs, I'm gonna light a real joint. So I lit a real joint. A snoop joint?

No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm all out of snoop joints. I lit a burnt joint and I smoked a real joint while everyone smoked CBD joints. And then I was like, I'm fucking pretty high. And then I just giggled at street jokes over and over again. You got ripped? I watched a bunch of buddy hack it jokes Yeah, I'm thing and I couldn't stop laughing. I'm trying to write a street joke like a street joke

What's like a setup of one? What's like a buddy one guy walks into the doctor's office and he says I hate to Hock I Want to get my voice fixed and the doctor says okay? Well, I've looked at your records and here's the deal. You have four testicles. If you get rid of two of your testicles, it may change other parts of your life, but it'll definitely fix your voice.

And like, I just, anything that might be my voice fixed. And he's like, okay, so to do the operation, month later, a guy comes back to the doctor, he's like, all right, Doc, you were right. He's changed too much in my life, and I think I want my testicles back. The doctor goes,'s like, all right, Doc, you were right. It's changed too much in my life. And I think I want my desk, it was back, Doc goes, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Did you write that? No, it's buddy, I got somebody. I can do it. It's a buddy. It's pretty good. But I started watching jokes like that. And I was like, I want to write, like I tried to do that on my last special

with the room for cream joke, because it was guy walks into a bar, guy walks into a bar, Guy walks into a bar, I walked into Starbucks. Oh, that's right. And so I really worked that out. And then the joke wasn't what you thought it was, it was something else, right?

It was like a double, that's why I don't, that's a problem with the cream. And, but I wanna write a simpler one. I wanna write a joke that I can tell, and then everyone can tell it at office parties, you know? Yeah. So I'm trying to write a simpler one. I want to write a joke that I can tell, and then everyone can tell it at office parties. You know? So I'm trying to write a joke. Let's do it right now, you want to?

Okay. Okay. So, the misdirect is what we need, right? Right, right, right. So the misdirect at the end. Okay. So tell me something you have misheard recently. I'll give you one example.

I thought when sometime, one time, I was watching this documentary called Murder Ball and it said the guy got paralyzed because he passed out on the back of a truck. And I thought they said he was paralyzed from the waist up. Right. Which would be hysterical if a guy was just walking around but his body top was limp. Yes. So it's got to be like, no, no, no, no, no. Here him out, here him out.

Thank you. I love, by the way, knowing that Nadav is the control of my hype man, he knows that I'm down on a need of boost up. Yeah. I like this relationship with Nadav. It's pretty good. It's really good.

It's been really good. Are, are, are are you an outperger here? I don't know. I think so. Let's wrap this episode up. Okay. Let's do it. We got four minutes of power. Wait, so how do you propose doing this joke?

So we need, you gotta work, the way you write these jokes, I think you start with your, the punch line is the thing. Right. Like the mouth goes, I don't know, the light was on. You know, like, find the thing, the punch lines, the thing. So you, and then work it back from there

and you can create any world around it. Okay, so for you, the punch line should be something like. The dog had it coming. Yeah. Something like that. It's a shit suit. It's like, it's like old school street jokes like that. Like a, like a mom was making supper for the kids right making soup. Yeah, you know, we listen she spilled babies in the

In the soup she was like oh fuck. She's like why can't get out of all the babies. I'll just serve it with the babies in What's the worst thing? Bebes like for a baby gun for a baby gun, okay, and she goes Next morning her son wakes up panic. She's three sons some wakes up. She's got to be three right some old her son wakes up panics, she's three sons. Some wakes up, gotta be three, right? Some oldest son wakes up. Youngest son wakes up and goes, mom, mom. I've been gonna talk to you about something. She's the worst of the matter.

She goes, I just went to the bathroom and I peed, babies. And she's like, okay, it's fine, you're fine. Don't worry, go back to bed. Ten minutes later, middle son wakes up, mom, mom, mom. I gotta tell you something, she's like, what is it? And he's like, I just woke up and I peed babies and she's like, it's fine. You're gonna be fine Same thing happened to your brother. Oldest son comes in 10 minutes at her mom mom mom. She's like, let me guess you're peeing babies He's like no

No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog You know what some of the smartest people ever live entirely off cool aid. There you go Yeah, so I'm I want to try to write a street joke that you can write. I think that that it that should be the challenge to comics Do yeah, you know who can write this type of joke? Yeah, like who can write it? Are you saying we should give up on tennis? No, no, no, so what let's talk about tennis match out. It's gonna be one set or three sets. I think we should do best of three. Best of three sets?

Yeah. Look, here's the thing. We're not experienced players. We're gonna end points quickly, man. You realize, you know what I mean? We can have a full set that is over in a couple of minutes. Okay, yeah, you're right. And do we stream this live from some celebrity?

I don't know about that part. That's a big tech thing. I can't just answer that right here, because we could shoot it easily and cut it down and have like highlights and a little more digestible, you know? Yeah. But I mean, if you are insistent on it being live streaming, I don't know. I wonder how many people we could get to live stream.

I don't think, I don't know if I'd live stream into a kind of a patch. I think it's better to cut it. Just shoot it and cut it and anything boring or something we say this maybe a little off color. Yeah, and I think we could make it actually really funny with like, if we're mic'd and then we have like, an ump, who's mic'd and like cut to like the best moments.

I think we can cut that down maybe. I think we got Josh Potter as a line judge. Josh is a line judge for sure. Ah, in! You're like, you didn't see that. He's like, I didn't see that. I look at him. I'm not really sure.

Yeah, and we need ball boys. Ball boys for sure, right? Yes. Ball boys and outfits. Which way are you leaning? I got these things called leggings. Type-in leggings. They're really good looking. I just bought a bunch of pair.

I wore them to a play today. Oh, yes. Yeah, so leggings. I mean, I see you wearing a colorful one though, you know. Oh, I've got, I've got, which one? I don't have the gold ones, but I could get gold. Yeah, that colorful one there on the left, the far left. That could, that's the,

I've actually got those. Those seem real. Type in Megging, go to their website and go to their shorts. Wow. Yeah, this is, uh, go to, yeah, Kapow Megging's. Okay, scroll. Look at these guys. This is what I thought it looked like.

Scroll, go to the shorts. There you go. Running, no, I got the shorts. There you go. Running, no. I got the shorts. No, these are wrong, these are wrong. Go back to the leggings and they have actual shorts. Shorts and tights. There you go, compression, shorts.

Yeah. I got those, that's what I played into. Oh, you should wear those for the match. For real? Yeah. Yeah, I think so too. Those are excellent. Yeah, wait, do we have a wager? Yeah.

Winner gets to have sex with the other ones wife. Okay done I say we have a I say we have a what we should do at old school wrestling match leave town match losers got to move to Austin Okay How crazy what happened to Joe in that weird what do you mean mean what happened to him? The barbecue truck running into him? Oh yeah, yeah, you got it. I'm trying to start it. Figure the easiest way for us to go viral is to just bring up something about Joe.

They have like fucking full, a magazine in Santino's got a page. What it's like to have dinner with Joe Rogan. Oh yeah. And it's like on YouTube. And then I said something about how generous he is. And then it's like, per Christ or explains Joe Rogan's generosity.

And you're like, so that's all I gotta do to go viral. You just tell a secret about a my friend. I do that on my podcast. Ha ha ha ha. Did Whitney call back? Let's see. Nope.

Did she text back? No response. Should be caller. I think I did already. Hey, my voice mail didn't go through. Oh, it didn didn't my voice text didn't go through. That might be best It might be a sign. You think maybe What if she deleted it? Can she delete it? I have no idea. Did it go through on your phone? Let's see. So I'm just seeing your tearing crying laughing thing. Yeah

Definitely went through We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode.

We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into the next episode. We're going to go into listening. Thank you for watching. We'll see you next week. Bird time. Time and bird. One goes top to swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call. Two bears one cake. No scripts be the booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes, Rancho humor, no apologies. Here's what we call two bears one cave.