2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 51 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

Grab tickets to the XXL event of the year: 2 Bears 1 Cave LIVE! October 15! Get tickets here: https://ymhvirtual.com/ SPONSORS: - You can try ShipStation FREE for 60 days when you use offer code CAVE. - Get your first visit absolutely free at ForHims.com/bears - Get 15% Off and Free Shipping at MeUndies.com/BEAR - Get 20% Off and Free Shipping at Manscaped.com/BEARS - Go to Whoop.com and enter “BEARS” at checkout to save 15% Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing the recent presidential debate and getting hyped for their tennis match. Bert pitches a sci-fi comedy that he wants to make and discusses Dax Shepard's episode of "Armchair Expert" on sobriety. The Bears also look at comments YMH fans have left on the trailer for Bert's new show "The Cabin," discuss Bert's new Off-White sneakers, as well as how he was recently robbed. The robbery story prompts a conversation about ice. Which comedian do YOU think has the best ice?

You ready for the fourth act, the third act, whatever? Yeah. We block it so that we don't have to come home. And then at the end, we've got to come home and save Earth. Earth. Oh. Wait, I want to wait. Why do we have to go back to save Earth?

100%. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm Oh Well, that was a nice way to start the podcast I ate a I drank wine last night. No wait a minute hold on yeah What kind? Fitbine but I love by the way I wish that they weren't a sponsor. Yeah, so I didn't feel like a chill every time. I really enjoy fit wine. Guess what? Fit vines and snoops wine are my two favorite wines. Oh, that's great, I believe you on both.

I didn't know that snoop made wine. Oh yeah, oh yeah. If you were to pitch snoops wine, you're like, imagine what a dude who like the flavor of blunts would do if he had a vineyard. Oh yeah, is that good? It is, it's actually awesome. So which type of wine though, like were you drinking a cab, a pina,

what'd you have last night? Last night was a cab, I think was a cab. I've been drinking stoop only makes a blend, I think. Okay, and then were you jogging and while drinking this, or just watching debates? I just, that's a little tip of the how to where we are. Yeah, watch the debates. And they were really good.

They were like, it was really, like really spot-on. It was uplifting and the nice thing was, I think it kind of restored the dignity that some people felt was slipping away. I was like, I'm proud of these guys. My favorite quote I read about the debates was, wow, Trump lets Biden talk more than Tom Letts.

Burlets, Tom Talk. And I was like, wait, is that what I sound like? A little bit. He was just shy. I'm like, wait, is that what I sound like? A little bit. He was just shy of like, pussy, pussy. Yeah, I mean, it was a shit show, man. It was a real disaster. It was embarrassing to watch. My dad was living this morning.

He was like, they called Obama unpresidential for wearing a khaki suit. Can you believe that? A khaki suit. It was crazy. And they didn't stick to like the, you know, you have agreed upon debate kind of rules. And they just threw it, threw it away.

It was, it was embarrassing. Well, the only thing we should, we have so much, we want to talk about. But I want to talk, we should probably talk about the poll I put on Twitter. Yeah, so what you said, why wait? And then you, right? Yeah, because I'm getting ready to go to tennis, right?

And I'm sitting on thinking, sometimes it's like, you know, content-wise for me with Twitter, I try to stay out of fighting with people. That's why I just will say like, would you rather hit a walk-off home run or a whole one? Yeah. And then see what people say. And then I like reading people's responses.

Yeah. I put why wait and I put Biden and Trump and put it in a poll. And by the way, we're gonna talk about all this shit. And so I go to tennis, I hit it, I go to tennis, I get done tennis and Biden is up 58%, 58% and I went, which by the way, I was shocked because I was like, I thought it would be 50, 50,

100% I thought it would be 50, 50, 50. And so, but Biden's up 50, a percent, I'm like, oh, crap would be 50, 50, 100% of that would be 50, 50, 50. And so, but binds up 50, 50, 50%. And I'm like, oh, quite a lot, that's interesting. I didn't expect that. And by the way, I didn't know that my fans, I thought my fans were 50, 50, too. I didn't know my fans were more liberal leaning than right leaning, that's odd.

And so, then, at like, two o'clock, Trump makes a run. I mean, the kind of run where you're like, holy shit, did someone get a hold of this? Like that's the only thing you think is then, all of a sudden, the scales of swim swung and Trump's up 58%. Then he's up 62%.

Then he's up 65%. And he closed out at winning it at 72%. Now, I understand as someone who realizes that just a few hours ago Biden was up, I go, something must have happened, but that's not what happened. What did happen? I went to my comments and I saw, I hate to out us,

but we are both left-leaning gentlemen. Both, I'm a lifelong registered Democrat as I'm certain you are too. Are Democratic friends were horrific? But I'm a lifelong registered Democrat as I'm certain you are to um our democratic friends We're horrific They were like you're a fucking racist. You're a bigot. You want these are your fans These are your fan. I'm like first of all. I don't give a fuck I really don't give a fuck who my fans are. I don't give a fuck who my fans vote for at all

I really don't I kind of wish that I had those Trump retweeters, those guys fucking go crazy on the retweet button. But these are the engagement stuff. This is the engagement stuff. So what happened is I found this out. The bots got a hold of my tweet, right? So the bots then farmed that out to all their tweet, put it on their thing.

They're only followed by some. How do you know that? Because I have a company I pay to do analytics. And these are the analytics that came up. It had 1.8 million impressions, which is a lot for a tweet, okay? What's the one media view? I have no idea, I don't know what media view.

Do you know what media view means in the dog? Let me Google it real quick for you. So what's crazy is, at the time that Biden was up, it had like 350 retweets. And when Trump took over the bots, the when the bots took over, all of a sudden, it was, I remember seeing it at 12,000 retweets. And I went, that seems like a lot of retweets.

I've never had something. The only thing that I've had that much engagement on is when I asked about relationships with dogs. What about with your music video? Nope. Nope. When I asked about something about fucking dogs, the place went not.

Apparently you asked. I have no idea. I have no idea. No, all my analysts, guys, said, apparently you tweeted something about relationships with dogs. Is that the company's notes at the bottom there? Yeah, yeah. It's pretty interesting because it looks like the bots

fed it to the mega community and then they took it and ran with it on the other two tweets. Organically. Okay, on the other two tweets, you got 10 to 5, 5 to 10,000 profile clicks in a couple new follows. Yeah, and so look at this. So on this one. Oh, this is your dog one.

This is my dog one. The engagement rate was 7%. this. So on this one, this is your dog one. This is my dog one. The engagement with seven percent. The engagement rate on this was 29%. The cabin might, my Netflix series that's streaming right now, probably on Netflix with Tom Sugura in it. Fucking Jesus Christ. I can't fucking the cabin, which got is my, we've got a lot of traffic. And by the way, this may be just the last few months. It may not be the video. Got 1.5 million impressions, but the engagement rate was only 12%.

That's my own TV show. That's my TV show that Netflix played money to do. A tweet on me saying, why wait? Get 29% engagement rate. Out of that 29% engagement rate, which by the way, I am not shitting on your politics. I'm simply talking about the working, the workings of the internet, which are phenomenally amazing. It's fascinating. Yeah. Fucking fascinating. Yeah. How many followers did I get? I must have, I mean, figure 1.8 million people, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you

think? How many followers do you think? I don't know. 2003 thousand. I would 3000 more than that. Yeah, how many do I have been a dog? What oh 37 followers you gained from that game 37 It was you know so funny as I went through the I went through the retweets of which there were 22,000 people retweeted it 22 Thousand that's the most retweets I've ever got in my, 22,000 is borderline viral. I scrolled through the retweets thinking like, it's someone retweets you, they're maybe they're gonna be a follow, right?

Yeah. No. I am, it was amazing what, what they're, what they're tied up, like they're how they describe themselves. Like, NRA support. Like, it was just, and not one of the people followed me. Hardcore Christian, hardcore Christian,

dad first, country second. And like, I'm, look, I'm not, I'm kind of shitting on you in a little bit. Like, it's just such a fucking mega dad, mega mom. And you're like, and that's how you describe yourself. It's weird, it's weird. It's weird by the way, same for the fucking left when you're like, that's how you describe yourself. It's weird, it's weird by.

By the way, same for the fucking left when you're like Antifa dad. Yeah. What is on the Google thing right there? What is that? A dog? Is that a dog? Oh, shut the fuck up.

Yeah. By the way, our dog's pregnant. Definitely pregnant. Your dog's pregnant? We don't know how it got pregnant. I have a pretty good idea. I fucked a shit out of that dog. I slate got pregnant. I have a pretty good idea. I fucked a shit out of that dog. I slate that audio.

So that was the Twitter poll and it was really crazy. It was crazy because people that I like, that I like, hit me up and they were like, dude, you're fans though. One girl, this girl is very sweet. I want to read. She wrote me something very nasty, right? And I wrote it back. I'm gonna read, I wanna see if I can read her.

Let's see, she wrote me and said, seriously disgusting, seriously let down in you. These are your fans, these are your fans. And I went, this is someone you know? I know, and I went and checked her out and she doesn't follow me. So she has found this tweet and she doesn't follow me. Right. But yeah, she's commenting on this tweet as if she's one of my fans. And I wrote back, Hey, is it possible that people that don't follow me found this tweet like yourself?

Like what the fuck? I said this to a bunch of people because people that don't even follow me were like, this is your fan base. Yeah, I was like first of all I don't give a fuck if my fan base is 72% mega and 29% whatever 28% Biden so be it. I don't give a fuck. I don't talk politics I'm not up there like spouting off politics But then and then I wrote to her like that's fucking kind of rude like and stupid and short-sighted How dare you blame me for something

that you don't follow me and then you found it but now you're commenting because as if and then she wrote back yeah genuinely sorry man I'm really sorry about that like I love oh my god don't tell you about the dude oh my god don't tell you about the dude who left the shittiest fucking comment I'm going to edit myself a little bit edit myself a little bit. Edit myself a little bit. So I found out that on Instagram, I thought when you hit the microphone, you're doing a text to dial, right?

Like you're going, hey man, I'll call you later, and then you let go, and then it puts text in there. It doesn't. It sends that as a voice message. On Instagram? On Instagram. Wait, in a DM? In a DM.

Okay. So, I did not know that. That is really important. What did you do? Oh, buddy. I fucked up big time. What did you send it to? Like watch this.

Here's this is Jonah Ray, right? So when you go to the reply, I guess you can't. And you go, and you see this microphone right here? Well, I'm not gonna say what he says to me. You go like this. Hey Jonah, I'm showing Tom this new function on the thing. Thank you for your message earlier. I really appreciate it.

I'll talk to you later. No, I won't. I'm sorry. I'm not paying attention. This is a fucking shit show. Thank you, Jonah. Bye. It just sends it.

It just sends it. You see it just sends it. So now that horrible fucking thing, there's no editing it. It just sends it. Okay, so you just sent it. And now I'm sending a voice to God damn it. I'm all over the map. So this guy sends me a nasty fucking couple guys, couple guys. One guy sends me an nasty message.

About this? Just about, yeah, about all this. And I go, hey man, like just so you know, like, it has no representation of anything. This is on the line. The bot's got a hold of it. And then the Trump supporters got a hold of it. And I don't give a fuck, by the way, also.

And then he calls back, he, I leave him that voice text on that and it sends immediately. And I'm like, that's not what I wanted to say. Like, I thought that was gonna be able to edit that. And then immediately he replies back and he's crying. He's in voice. In voice, he's crying. He's like, oh, I'm at the roughest fucking week man Like the fact that you're right. No, it goes away So as soon as you do it then they disappear like the ones do you see this voice text? I send a rogue in the other day

Yeah, it gives two minutes and then it disappears so I can't play it or maybe I can I'm that I don't know who those anyway My point is my point is I did that to a couple people and the amount Of shit they're going through in their life when they send these negative things. Yeah is Mind blowing like Mind blowing a bet and so the fact that someone's would reply to you and You just caught them when they happen to be crying You're like I it feels good. I got it with.

You not really? That make me feel good. I love to see somebody scared and crying. Hahaha. Oh, let me add, let me tell you this. So we are, we are 48 hours from playing tennis. Oh, hey, do we have, do we have the video? Uh, yep.

Okay. Yeah, Andrew sent me the video. So, so I want to, so I want to just be, I want to, I want to front load this. Okay. We are two different type of men. If, if you put one question on the table, you said, hey, did you ever play tennis?

I am going to tell you, skewed the way I do it, then I played tennis, but I'm not gonna leave any on the plate. Yeah, I played in tournaments growing up. Really, really. Well, in Technica, I played like 10 tournaments maybe, and I always lost, I was really bad, but I'm not gonna tell you that. I played in tournaments.

Because I don't think there's, but if you asked Tom, did you play tennis growing up, and he says he played in tournaments, that's not- I did not play in tournaments. That means he played in tournaments. Hundreds and hundreds of tournaments. I did not- We're a very different men though. I did not play in tournaments. That means he played in tournaments. I did not play tournaments. Hundreds and hundreds of tournaments.

I did not. We're a very different men though. I did not play tournament tennis. Because I already heard you last week, you're like, I told my coach, you played tournament. I was like, I did not. I played tennis as a kid.

Recreationally. Recreationally. So, so not recreational. Recreationally. Recreationally. Recreationally. Recreationally. Recreationally.

So, so going into this, Tom said, I've been playing tennis and I mean, recollection, recollection, recreationally. So, going into this, Tom said, I've been playing tennis and I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, back this up, back this up. See, I don't know. I don't know how hard time with how I tell a story. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. Okay, excuse me. I told you that I, this is how this happened.

I said, we're doing, we're just like, you're on the road and I go, oh, I go, I started playing tennis, I took a tennis lesson. I'm playing tennis again. And you replied, I would destroy you in tennis. That is exactly what I was saying. And I go, what? And you're like, I would destroy you.

And I'm like, why? And you're like, I used to play tennis and I'm fucking pretty good. That's what happened. I know. You realize that this is like, this is like when you wake up on spring break and you're blacked out and people are telling you what you did, you're like, I know they're making

some of it up, but most of this is true. In this case, it is all true, what I'm saying. It does sound like me like I was just for you. Okay, okay. It does. And then like a couple of weeks later, you're like, yeah, I haven't played in a long time. My coach doesn't need a lot of work out like.

Okay, well, here's the reality. This is fun, it's gonna be fun. We're definitely both amateur tennis players. I have, here's a fun thing. I have no idea what your skill level is as tennis. Our tennis is one of those sports where, if you played a lot and you were good, what your skill level is in tennis. Our tennis was one of those sports where, if you played a lot and you were good,

even if you take time off, like that stroke will still be there, right? Like you might, your timing's not gonna be there, your rhythm, if you take a long time off, but if you were like a competitive tennis player and you're probably still good. So I have no idea what I'm getting into. I told, I was telling my coach,

I go, I don't know if I'm gonna show up and this guy is just gonna fucking destroy. My coach today said, I think Tom's gonna kill you. And he is, he has set me up for the way he thinks you're gonna play. Really? He said, he said, because he's looking at ways to beat me.

If you paid my coach a hundred bucks, you could probably learn how to beat me very easily. He's like, all he needs to do is do this to you. And I was like, can we not share that with anybody? Yeah, he's like, look at you. I mean, look at you. It's like, what was the analogy? I said, sometimes when it comes to hitting a ball,

it's the same as trying to get laid. If I see one that's set up, it's like, you meet a girl to bar, and you're like, let's get in the car right now. It's like, I kind of want to finish my drink. You're like, are we gonna fuck her what? Yes. That's how I play tennis.

Yeah. By the way, I knew that. Yeah. And he was like, are you wearing a shirt to play tennis? And I was like, definitely not. Like, I swing so hard, my arm gets caught in my sleeve. Oh, good. Let's see your pro, we recorded promos. You have a promo?

Yeah. Hold on, you have a promo too? Of course. Oh, shut the fuck up. Of course. Oh, I didn't know you had a promo. I mean, both have promo. Oh, I thought I was the only one that did a promo.

No, no. Oh, this is the greatest episode we've ever done. And by the way, my suspicion is that both, like each of our promos is exactly like our personalities That's what I think I can't believe that I tell you what mine's definitely a thumbprint of mine. Let's hear it. Can we see birds? Dominance Discipline masculinity

I'm not a role model. Diversity. That's a first. Oh! Oh! Oh, man! If you don't red-chance, how do you fanny's, guys? Great chaos, hold on. I'm not about the Corpus Christmaseship. I'm gonna machine. A minute's power. A minute's speed of four.

What did we just see? So what do you think of my skill set? I think we're going to be actually a good match. Really? I do think so. Really? I mean, I think we're probably like similarly the best way to do it. I think we're going to be actually a good match. Really? I do think so. Really?

I mean, I think we're probably like similarly matched. I think so. I can't wait to see your video. I think we can probably pull it up right now. Did you shoot yours in 4k? I don't know. Try harder. Nice try. Keep trying. Try again. Why try? Can I try? I don't try.

I win. Fuck you, Bert. I Like that the new Thompson girl So you go, I mean those are exactly our person those are definitely our personalities Those are definitely our personal you think of my skill set. I love that none of the balls were hit to you They were just dropped to you Let me see Thomas backhand again to hand it not bad. I think we're are we're Let me see Tom's backhand again, two handed, not bad. I think we're probably evenly matched. That's what I was saying, it should be fun.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, let me see Tom's again. That's not, oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Try hard. You don't have to play the whole thing.

I like it. I want to see your skill set. Yeah, it's hard to. So we have Josh Potter as our lines judge Yeah, and we have Kevin Christie as our um nice and Yeah, some people are gonna stop by who's stopping by Mac and row Pete Sanford can we get Kirk Fox to come by look at this by that was just dropped you I love this I love it. Yeah Wham Yeah, you're like, wham.

Yeah. I bet there's gonna be a lot of us not getting to the bowl. That's pro, there's gonna be a lot of unforced errors. I can't tell you my biggest problem that my coach said I need to work on. Yeah, tell me. When we get into a rally, it's past two or three things. I start giggling.

I never thought that would be the end of that sentence. And why? I don't, for whatever reasons, I start giggling, because I go, this is why you came to play. Like you just hit, like, have these long rallies, and I can't stop giggling, you go, you gotta stop giggling, man. Like, you just gotta, like, I have to tie,

or when the rally starts in, you gotta fucking get serious, and I go, I can't help it, I get really giggly. You have an Eastern grip is that what I see there? Like how do you hold the racket? It's that hardcore. I don't know. I Have I have a few shots in my pocket. Yeah. Yeah. I have a lot of a lot of diversity. What's your strength? You, as a player. Serving. Serving? Really? Yeah. You have a good serve? I have a pretty, here's my problem is I can get the yips in my head. So like, if I get too many, like if I start double-faulting, I'll double-fault the whole fucking game. But yeah, my coach thinks my serve is my best part of my game.

That can win you a lot of points. Well, if I can just get a serve in and just have a good solid serve, I don't need it to be serve in and just have a good solid serve, I don't need it to be awesome. I just need it to be solid, where it's like a little bit of spin and then just in good. Yeah, cool man.

My problem is I get really excited very easily. Yeah. Yeah, that happens. I think that, yeah. And I have a problem where I start getting placey where I go. So what's your prediction? What's your prediction for the match?

I think it's gonna be, I think, I think we're both gonna turn into two patty-kakers, who just try to like get it into the little play. We'll be playing Bing Bong on a big tent. We're gonna play Best of Three. Well, I think Mr. Kixia is making a fine point. Fucking, where was Lyle on the debates last night? I know, I know.

Wouldn't that have been pretty good? Oh, don't let the con talk. Yeah. Gone, but fucking avid. Wasn't this a brilliant idea? It was. It really was. It really was a brilliant idea.

Almost as good as the fucking holding company, which Nidav bought. The holding company is there and also people from Kickstarter reached out and said, do you want to start a Kickstarter for your holding company? He being serious right now? Yes.

Then the answer is yes. The answer is yes. Let's see if we can raise $1 billion. I'm sure they would be thrilled to be like, our biggest one ever was for Titi's to fuck it Dude, that's exactly how we're gonna raise the money This is a way to learn how to pitch our thing in Chinese Do you legit want to run a Kickstarter here?

Yeah, the answer is yeah, the answer is yes And we just get to a billion dollars. And then what do we do? Start, we're gonna buy a... Cliring. No, first of all, first of all, if we're being fucking serious about this, and I think that our shareholders right now that are watching are probably, yes,

what we do is we start with a low ball price, like maybe a million dollars. And then we start doubling down that money. We don't wanna let everyone in on this. We wanna get these people who trust our moronic ideas and we start them out. Yeah. First thing we do, we're not making a food truck,

we're making a condiment truck. A condiment truck that has all the condiments you want for the food trucks, we pony up to the next of the food trucks. We're like, yo hot sauce and they're like, yo, hot sauce, and they're like, yeah, I can use a hot sauce. You're like, come on over here. Dollar, you can use everything on our tray

and the guys are like, fuck yeah. What do you know? What are the margins on that condom truck, you think? Not all my ideas, sir. We have the like, operational expenses and labor. No, that's why we put it up to our board of directors. Directors, yeah. Look dude, we should start a cult. guys. We have the first report here the condiment truck

Here's what we ended up doing we spent $32,000 on the truck and the condiments and the labor and at a dollar a pop to the use of the condiments you want We earned a $27 this quarter. Okay, maybe that's not the right one. There you go. Yeah, maybe we haven't figured it out totally. But once we do, we start doubling down this money, we start making more money.

We start maybe micro investing over in Africa. I don't even know what that is technically, but it sounds like something that the Mormons do. Yeah, we do. We, like who knows, there's such an opportunity for us to make so much money. I cannot wait to be a billionaire. And it's gonna happen. We need them to believe in us and they do believe in us. We, look, we got this far with nothing. It's pretty crazy. If you were going to gamble on two dudes in the entertainment business,

say you have a hundred bucks in your pocket, and you're like, hey man, I'm not going to miss this, hundred bucks. But if I invest in Tom and Bert, I know that this silly hundred bucks that I was going to waste on booze, has the opportunity to be a million dollars for me. Yeah.

Actually, you're starting to sell me now. Yeah. The math works out there. Yeah. I don't know how many hundred dollars are in the field. I wish you could place a bet on somebody to entertain to see if like, yeah, I mean, if you're gonna like, oh, this person, let's do it.

Yeah, that's what they're doing. They're betting on us. Who would you bet on right now? Me and you. No, no, like, that's not me and you. Oh, who'd I bet on? That's a good call. Oh, Chris DeSephno.

Yeah, Andrew Schultz. Yep. Norman, all the New Young New York comics right now. They're Dylan. Oh, Christa Stefano. Yeah, Andrew Schultz. Yep. Norman all the new young New York comments right now. Yeah, Tim Dylan all the young New York comics I would bet on all of them because I think they're really hungry and they don't give a fuck. Yeah, like they're willing to fly across country without a mask Yeah, to do a podcast. That's what you need like Sam Raul Sam Raul. I would I would bet on all those fucking guys. Yeah me too. Yannis popus. Yep They're all funny as fuck too I would bet on like if you said if you said here that if you're being real about this if you said I am Bronfman sounds like every spursons name right? Mm-hmm Bronfman

Leonard Bronfman. Oh, it owns a liquor company. Okay. I got $10 million, what do I do with it? I would definitely double it down on me and you because me and you have the cashier to be able to make something with, we could make a fucking movie in a heartbeat. Can I tell you my latest pitch for a movie? Ready? I need artwork for this.

If someone can make artwork for this, we can crowdfund this on Kickstarter, make our own fucking movie. Here's the, it's a working title, it's called Fat Astronauts. Okay? Okay. Me and Tom are sent to space because they're going to start building moon colonies on the moon, colonies on the moon, but, right?

They want to know how many to build and they're going to sell them to regular Americans like Me and Tom So they send us up to the space station with all the things we like Booze food weed porn stars and they're like we want to see if your lifestyle Translates to space living or if you die right when we get up there and we find out we fucking love it We don't want to come back. We sabotage it so they can't get us out so that we're locked up there. Do we go up there with porn stars? Or they send the porn stars later?

Dude, we're all in the rocket. We're drinking cocktails. We're like in the space shuttle or whatever. I haven't worked out like the whole justix of it. I mean on this, yeah. It's like the movie Away. The movie.

Is there like that scene too when we go to NASA and they're like, are you guys here to like fix the toilets? Yeah. And then we're like, no, they're sending us up and then they're like, you're way too fat to be sent to this, like you have to be in really good shape. And then like a higher up goes, it's a new program, we're sending real fat people up.

We're sending fat people with your new problems up there. We want to see Americans are like these guys. Yeah, this is most Americans and we're gonna make space colonies, we're not gonna sell to athletes. And then we're gonna sell to people who have plantar fasciitis and want some weight off their feet. And one of the engineers has to turn and be like,

these guys are way too fat for this. And they're like, it's okay, it's okay. They're probably gonna die. Houston to Space Shuttle 2. Is Tom there? Yeah, this is Tom. We're getting a reading that there's come everywhere. You haven't jacked it off a lot. Sorry, I didn't know where to put it.

I've been blowing it into the walls. We're sending porn stars up to help you out. So, fat astronauts and then you ready for the fourth act, your third act, whatever. Yeah. We block it so that we don't have to come home and then at the end, we've got to come home and say, birth.

Birth. And then at the end we've got to come home and save her Wait, I want to wait why do we have to go back to save her? Oh no, you know, I'll be what really bad They could be a funny scene. I got out of a funny scene. You go like Houston They're like what and you're crying you're like Top kiln on the floor, sorry. And you see floating like hot pours, but they're dead floating around. Your camera's on on and you see me lick my thumb and wipe, blood off the screen.

And they're blood everywhere. I need to know where the wipes are. Fat astronauts. Fat astronauts is funny. See, the thing is, the thing about, you said this to me, when we're doing a live event, right? Yeah, October 15th. October 15th.

When you once you realize that the live event is us to consumer and no notes, yeah, you really kind of get an opportunity to do another fuck you want. Yeah, we have mistress Melody coming in here. She's gonna spank us and I think, you know, hopefully more than we can be like, I didn't know that was gonna happen.

It's so fucking good. I got a hundred milligrams that I'm trying to break up throughout the show. Good call, break them up, slow roll them. Slow roll them. And then, how much, what's the most teetos you've ever drank in the night? I don't probably handle. I'm casting, I don't know. Which is half a gallon? Yeah, yeah, probably, probably.

I'm casting. Do you think you could do that on the 15th or? I don't know, we're gonna try. We're gonna see what we can get into us. Dase. YMHVirtual.com. Two bears, one cave, live, a double XL event. But that's the once, so then I think to myself,

and this is what, when you called me and told me about the first one you ever did, I started going to these people listening and watching, right? They like the things we think of, or we connect on whatever fucking level. Sure. Imagine if we made just made a movie for them.

That's the whole idea. And so, imagine if we made five astronauts, and then me and you just sat and said, what would make them laugh? Like, what makes us giggle? What would you rather make the fat astronauts or the road trip? Road trip would be easier. Well, no, I bet fat astronauts we can make cheaper because we have to get space, though. No, you don't. Oh, okay. It's one location. It's one location. And so that would be cheap as far, let me call an exact producer real quick and see how much I'm gonna call a movie guy. Okay.

God dammit, fucking boy style. All right, let's see. Tom. Okay, I'm gonna call a movie guy and find out budget wise, which one's cheaper. Okay. And then we'll just make that movie,

but we won't make it for a studio or for anyone other than our fans. Yeah, exactly. We'll make it for people that wanna watch it and we'll just make it as dirty as we wanna be. Like no one on either rating. Yeah, we're just releasing it to this. Yeah, man, racial slurs, do whatever we want.

No, we'll go shy of those, but yeah. Yeah, we can put them in to this yeah, man racial slurs do whatever we want. No, we'll go shy of those But yeah, we can put them in doesn't matter. Sure There's no like woke executive here. Yeah, I'm looking I'm getting Okay, yeah exactly we can just be on that be like man You know it's nice. I do the road trip. I do the road trip and by the way I would love if we could get Jennifer and us in to be our stars. Yeah, something tells me that might, why is, what is wrong with her?

Like, no, I'm not mean that serious. Like, like, you reach out to Whitney, you're like, yo, help us get Jennifer and you just go, no, she goes, what is in it for her? That's what's wrong with Hollywood. What's in it for her? Is, it's fun. Yeah.

Who ever lost scope of the fun that your job is just to fuck around? Yeah, a lot of people. Like it's crazy that you're like, you know, Jen and I just hang out with us and let's create something fun. And what a laugh. We're really funny.

And you can bring bodyguards. Well, we heard back actually from Jen's, yeah, reps. Oh for real. Yeah. Oh, what is that? She already committed to do a couple podcasts and doesn't want to do ours.

That's not true. Yeah. Are you being serious? Totally serious. She didn't, they didn't say she doesn't want to do yours. It's just that she's already doing a couple podcasts. Yeah. Whoa, okay.

Oh, fucking. Okay, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, I was positive. That's what, that's gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that.

I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that.

I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not you're like, I'm the reason they do one. Yeah, like we're all the reason like Yeah, Joe's big now, but we remember when we went

We're in a red band. We just fucked. I fell up non-stop Who's speaking of I remember that I go does anyone listen to your show? To Joe this is like really early on. Oh, yeah, he was like yeah, definitely and I go how do you know? He goes because my message boards because he had, he had message boards on his website. Yeah. So people could like, I saw man. I love that way. Message boards.

And I was like, that's how you know people are listening. He was like, yeah, there's like back in, people are enjoying it. And I was like, okay, man, this guy's crazy. God. I remember when you and him had the snowflakes on the screen. Yeah. When you used to do his podcast and it was like back before.

Yeah. I remember Ila, the first broken episode I ever listened to. Ila saw you on the computer and hit a button. It was on like Twitter or my space or something. Yeah. Hit a button and it went into a bit. Whatever it was, it was on the big screen. I was sitting in my little corner and she was watching you and Joe on my computer. And I went, what are you doing? And I sat down with her and we watched that episode. It must have been like, I'm being naming joking, episode 10, it was like one of the very, very first ones.

Yeah. And I watched it with Ila. I just hit a button on my computer and it went big screen. Wow. Not crazy. Yeah. And that's when I started, that's when I fell in love with the podcast.

His podcast, I mean, obviously, I was a fan of his podcast way before I even knew him. By the way, sidebar on this, there's someone's podcast like, maybe I shit on, I don't really remember, but Dax Shepard's podcast. You have not listened to the one where he talks about sobriety, have you? No, because all I heard was that he fell off the wagon. Dude, it is so, is first first ball, it's fucking awesome. It is one of the better podcasts I've ever listened to.

Really? Yeah, because he is... one... He's 100% honest, but it's like in a really like... Like take... It's fucking just... I mean this respectfully, but like he didn't get into podcasting so he was in love with podcasting.

I think he got into podcasting because probably someone in agent brought it to him or like I don't think he was like a big rogue and fan, a big Marin fan. I think he probably found podcasting and was like, hey let's see if we can flip this into some money. And mostly it's like celebrity interviews

and they're very, it is very Hollywood-y kind of. It's not like the gritty, like no one at Spotify would boycott his podcast. Like they'd all be like, we're so lucky to have it. It's a real the gritty like no no one is Spotify would boycott his podcast like they'd all be like We're so lucky to have it. It's a real gem, you know, yeah, and like we're not going into Spotify anytime soon They would never let this shit on there ever. They would boycott us so fucking fast Yeah, and I think they're first like the first thing they would put it they go birds a problem. That's what they would write Well, they would say oh shit time for the body Well, they would say, oh shit time for the body. My point is, I'm not trying to sit on DAX's podcasts at all, but because ever since I said

something about it, I started listening to it. It's really good. There's some Hollywood talk I take out of it, you know, just Hollywood talk. When you hang out with enough actors, you hear kind of just Hollywood talk is very insightful. But now that I've listened to this episode, I go, oh, he's done a lot of work on himself. Like, he was a shit show back in the day. I don't know anything about it. Oh, I mean, I know who he is, but I don't know anything.

So he was sober for 16 years, no drugs, no alcohol, but like when he's very specific, he's like, it's not drugs and alcohol, it's Coke and beer. It's Coke and booze. Like, coke and booze was his thing and then you start going, I really want to party with that guy. Then you hear how he falls off the wagon and he falls off the wagon on pain pills. And he falls off recently. Yeah, well, he fell off a couple times. It's a little tough to follow. Not tough to follow, it's just, I'm not a bit the best listener. But he fell off like, when he was doing,

I guess there was a TV show called Parenthood that was from the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin. I didn't even know that. I love that movie. I wish I had seen that TV show. He was on it, and I guess he broke his wrist on his motorcycle, and they gave him percuss, vikin' ends, and he gave him to his wife

and said, dole them out. You should, by the way, I'll tell you everyone, you should go listen to this to DAX's podcast. Which one is it? I think it's called day seven. I think that's the title of it. It is so fucking good. It is so good, and he is so open and honest.

And I was like, I was, I've listened to it. I listened to it straight. I could not stop listening to it. This title day seven. Title day seven. And what it's crazy is he talks about ego and about the ego of sobriety. As much as I party, I don't, oddly enough,

I don't think I have a problem with drugs now, call the way, people that do have a problem or, like he said, like, he would take, he would not take his pill at night so that he could double up in the morning and what's insane about his insight. And by the way, these were his insights, so I'm sharing them with you.

As he said, there was, and I do identify with this 100%. I mean, so much so that it tapped into me and I went, whoa, is he loved being in control of being able to give himself a good mood? Right. And I was like, that's my whole thing with treats is like, I want to be able to treat myself so I can get like, I'm sitting there with nothing. I'm like, he was like, there was no better feeling than two percussats, two 30 milligram percussats and a cup of coffee.

And I was like, oh my god, yeah, now I can feel that buzz right now. I'm back in my head going neck and he was like what if you set another thing he goes it's not the the percuss that's supposed to just take away the pain he goes it's not that I like I like when the extra one where you go oh it's taking away the pain and then there's a little English on yeah yeah I remember that I'm away the pain, and then there's a little English on it. I remember that. I've been taking pain pills in forever. Yeah, the last one. I had the worst ones.

And I, you know, I don't have pain pills regularly. Last time I remember taking pain pills was like wisdom teeth coming out or something, you know? So I had that hernia operation, and they're like, you're gonna be in a lot of pain tonight, tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. And I go, great. I'm assuming I have pain pills and they go, yeah, yeah.

So I'm getting out of the hospital and the nurse goes, here you go, this is what the doc gave you. Not that strong. I go, I'm sorry. What do you mean it's not that strong? She goes, I'm just looking at it and like, you. Not that strong. I go, I'm sorry. What do you mean it's not that strong? She goes, I mean, just looking at it and like, these aren't that strong. And I go, well, can I get the strong ones?

And she goes, I mean, you have to make an appointment with him. I'm like, I'm in the hospital. Yeah. Just have him come down here. And she's like, well, he's not here right now. You're right, left. And I was like, I go, so what the fuck are you telling me? It's just gonna hurt.

And she was like, well, I thought that like, they fuck are you telling me? It's just gonna hurt and she was like, well, I thought that like, they'd give you something stronger, you know? This is like, these are like five milligrams, whatever. And I go, I'm a big guy, like this is not, I'm not gonna feel this. Oh, Dax told me, they are only made for certain weights. The prescriptions are made for a certain weight class.

So once you're a bigger Dax told me, I heard on the podcast. Yeah. Absolutely to fucking. By the way, I'm sure I go, decks talk to the law of Hollywood talking, he's like, and you talk shit. I don't think Das could find any holes in the things you say.

No, but it sucked, man. And so I started doubling up on the pills, nothing. Nothing. And then they're like, oh, you can take some, like some Tylenol with it. You'll be fine. And I was like, great. They sucked, nothing, nothing. And then they're like, oh, you can take some, like some Tylenol with it, and you'll be fine. And I was like, great, they sucked, man. Oh, it was the worst.

I ended up getting some other stuff. The, well, that's what he ended up doing, and he ended up buying stuff, like on the side. Yeah. But he was keeping it from everyone, but everyone, I don't know if everyone knew his, his co-host, his co-host. Can I tell you the most interesting thing is, I get hooked on something where I can't know if everyone knew his co-host. His co-host, can I tell you the most interesting thing

is I get hooked on something where I can't not hear it anymore. Him and his co-host both say the word D-I-D-N-T without the second D in it. Didn't? They go didn't, didn't, didn't. They both say didn't. I maybe it was my phone the way I was listening to it. I don't say dinnant.

They don't say dinnant. They say dinnant. It's interesting. It's really interesting. And I couldn't stop not hearing it then. And they both do it. They both go dinnant. And I wonder if it was,

if it's because they're from like, I think they're both from Detroit or something, I don't know where Dex from, seems like he's from Detroit. You know? Do you like how I just add something in that is not real? Find out where Dex shepherds from. There you go, make sure you- Oh, shut the fuck up!

Yeah. He seems like he's from Michigan. Hey, problem story, you said that in the podcast. I'm sure he said that. In the podcast, just like figure that out. I'm sure. You've probably heard it multiple times. Yeah, my point is, and by the way, I gotta give a big shout out to the armchair podcast

because they, the last time we talked to an expert, the last time we talked about the podcast, they sent me a shirt. And I've been wearing this shirt, it's actually a really good shirt. And that podcast that he did, day seven, is so fucking amazing. I'll check it out. I'll check it out. It's really great. So what's up with the comment section?

I just see that in the notes here. The cabin. Is it like all? Oh, I'm not, I'm definitely not looking at that. Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.

People wrote, I hope no dogs were hurt in the making of this series. I guess this is for the trailer for your new show. Well, the wheel at the cabin is filled with cool aid. Yeah, but this happened before cool aid. Why couldn't he get his good friend Adam Sandler on? Big respect to everyone involved for dealing with Bert smell He has no pool to shower in out there. You can only imagine the smell that's actually not true I had a hot tub that I showered in excited for the gennestin episode. Yeah, how fucking fun would that be?

Have gendered your cabin show apparently she won't she's got other cabin shows lined up I'm gonna try it out, don't be stingy Netflix. I hope everyone likes it. I hope everyone liked the trailer. The trailer came out great and the show's funny as fuck. People will remove from your show. But yeah. I have the, oh shit, shit, shit, shit.

What? I'm accidentally face timing that guy You know it's so funny. I I have the funniest thing to tell you, but I can't I can't say it right now because it would be oh Take that name out Sorry, I'm I'm in I'm gonna do it a podcast. Hey, I have a quick question about a movie, okay? Yeah. So, what, if which one is more cost effective? A movie of me and Tom in space, where the majority of it takes place on a spaceship,

or me and Tom doing a road trip movie? Probably in space ship. Yeah, and how do we, how do we achieve zero gravity or do we just go and they turn gravity on and now we can walk around the spaceship Uh, you'd be on wires. I would thank Okay, all right. Thank you All right spaceship movie okay, okay, and it's also a really good uh reason to not like try to get in shape before you shoot Every time we're like, I'm taking care of myself.

Like, hey, don't take too good of a care of yourself. I'm probably gonna shoot for a role. Gotta shoot fat astronauts. So, we might need to gain weight to make it funnier. By the way, I'm not opposed to that at all. I already think I've already pictured, what if we show up? Like, 295.

Imagine how funny we could make this movie for just the people watching. Like, if the only expectation was our fans, we could make, and like, how many, okay, so is that movie ticket costs, like, 20 bucks, right? I don't know. I don't know. I haven't bought it. Let's say, let's say, 15, right? In major cities.

15 bucks. Yeah. I wonder if we get, we have a million views on YouTube, but we're not gonna get all those million. What if we get 500,000 people to pay 10 bucks then that's $5 million? We can make a $5 million movie. If 500,000 people pay 10 bucks.

That's $5 million? That's not $5 million. How much is it? I? That's not five million. How much is it? I think that's like 50 million. It's how we're gonna make a picture. This is the kind of math that makes us billionaires. Aren't you glad you're a part of the holding corp? No, it's five million dollars, you're right.

Yeah, it's five million dollars. Shit, that's a good thing we got me on in this time. I know. Speaking of money. That's not enough money. No, shit. We need, okay, so we need, because the budget, even if we make this, Yeah. Speaking of money. That's not enough money. No, shit. We need time.

Okay, so we need, because the budget, even if we make this, you know, low budget, it's gonna be, it's gonna be a few million dollars. How much do you think we can raise off a Kickstarter to make that, make a movie?

I guarantee you we could get $10 million to make a movie on Kickstarter. And then, if we give those, everyone that chips in, we give them points on the movie. Oh, that's a little bit of a sense. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, you don't want to do that. Oh, shit.

I mean, I'm not good at math, obviously, but we don't want to do that. All right, I want to talk about money because you like certain good things. OK. And I don't. I don't. I never, I'm not, I'm not, I don't, certain things just, I don't get into like,

I'm not really into cars, I'm not really into cars. Yeah, you're not really into cars, but. But I did get a dope ass car. And so, but, but um. Are you gonna tell people or no? No, and so we're getting, but shoes, you're into shoes and I'm not gonna choose. I do not know how to do this. Yeah.

And I bought a very nice pair of sneakers that I don't understand show me so These are the sneakers, okay, so they have this by the way they came with this stupid ass fucking tag And all these are off-white. I don't know what that means, but yeah, this is a Virgil Abel's line That yeah Virgil Abelos the designer. So he got a lot of notoriety when he started, he did like, are you making this up right now? No, no, he did like Kanye's, all his early covers, you know,

like college dropout and all those things. And then he went on to start off white and he's also Louis Vuitton's like design creative director and stuff. So he does like a lot of, he does a lot of like, what's it called? Like, what's it called when you work with somebody else?

I can't think of collaboration. Yeah, he does a lot of collaboration stuff, but this is like his specific tell is like, you know, he writes these things on the shoe and then these tags are part of. You're supposed to wear the tag, that is ridiculous. I think it's kind of ridiculous too, but yeah, he does things like that

like the quotes, shoe laces, that's all, I think it's kind of ridiculous to but yeah, it does things like that get the quotes shoe laces That's all virtual ablose stuff. Yeah, real yeah, these are I imagine These I imagine are we're probably pretty expensive they were there were $700 Jesus. Yeah 700, but I love so I you saw that and you paid $700 Well, no, I Doesn't seem like you. I was drunk. Okay. I mean, now I'm buying it.

And I just found out what stadium goods was. Okay. And so I'm looking at shoes and I was looking for stage shoes. And considering that I only wear... Those are good stage shoes. I was only wear jeans and I stayed on stage. Yeah, and shoes. I thought maybe I'd class up my shoes

so that it looks like I tried. Yeah. So I bought these shoes. You know, so I bought these shoes. You spent $700. Okay, yeah. And do I don't know what an expensive shoe cost? Well, I'm just saying, it just feels very not burnt, but then you said you were drinking. I was drunk and I looked at it and I was like, I like the color of the shoe and I saw the tag.

I didn't know the tag was going to come on it. And I know what an off-white is. I know that I didn't know you're supposed to wear the tag with it. So I just took the tag, I didn't know the tag was gonna come on it. And I know what it off white is, I know that, I didn't know you're supposed to wear the tag with it, so I just took the tag off. That's what the fashionistas would keep this on. Yeah, and then I, and then- Had you take it off?

I just slid it off, it just, you just tied the lace. Oh, I got you instead of cutting it. I almost cut it. Well, you could. Yeah, then I was gonna sell them, I was gonna sell them back so I don't want them. You don't want them anymore? Well, no, I now, I'm wearing them today for the first time ever.

Did you like them? They're really comfortable. They look dumb. They're really comfortable. I don't know about this shit. Yeah, but I mean look at them. Those shoes look dope as fuck, man. Yeah, but like this is silly. Like what is this? It's like the weirdest looking shoe when I think I would just like you're a fashion guy now. I think I would just like... You're a fashion guy now. I think I would just like, I wanna just take out the, the, this stuff. I met Virgil Ablo the day he got his Louis Vuitton appointment. It was all in the news and stuff. Who is Virgil Ablo? Let me see a picture of this dude.

I'm gonna guess what I'm holding. Oh, close your eyes. I'm gonna guess. What do you think he looks like? He's French, he's got white hair. He, it's balding. and he is 54 years old. Okay. And he's got a white shirt on in the picture I'm gonna see.

Okay. Open your eyes. He's black. Yep. I did not expect that. Yeah, all. That's him. Uh, Virgil Ablo.

He must be, he must be Haitian. Don't know, don't know. Ablogil Ablo. He must be, he must be Haitian. Don't know, don't know. Ablo coming on that. But I'm guessing. I don't know, I really don't know. So we kept, he's like a designer. Yeah. Oh wow.

So funny the way I pictured him was not this. And so that makes sense to he would wear these. I was, when I was like a white guy made these, that didn't make sense. Now that I see how it all makes sense I make sense when I'm like oh, they do now they are cool Once a black guy makes them I'm like okay, I yeah, they're dope now Okay, these aren't bad shoes then oh, I'm only gonna wear them on stage because I don't like I have stage shoes And I will only wear on stage. Yeah, stage shoes are good. Yeah, and then you fly with them And I keep them in the bag. Yeah, yeah, bring them out for for the stage that's the way to do it do I rock this little fucking this is stupid I don't think so I don't

think it's very hurt I want to put it on a keychain do it so people know that I like fancy should and then Virgil be like hmm good idea bird Virgil ablo what an interesting fucking name can you look at his um type in I wonder what can I tell you the shoes I really want? Yeah. Those are the ones I really want. I would never spend this much. They're the Nike SP dunk Tiffany's. No, I just wanted to know like his wiki and stuff. I'll follow him on Instagram. I want to see worth American

deserve Louis Vuitton. Chef. Oh, executive. Chief executive officer. with American deserve Louis Vuitton. Chef executive, chief executive officer on the label off white. What's that cool fucking name? He's from Rockford, Illinois. That is not an issue. He went to the University of Madison, Wisconsin, went to great fucking school, what a great fucking school. Top five schools you could go to right now. Colleges that you would want to have that college experience by the way University of Wisconsin, Madison definitely fucking one of them

It's a fun. Hey, so first place I got high high high out of my mind when I was 14 Yeah, um, I would like to go I'd love to go Ohio State I think Ohio State would be a great experience. That'd be fun. I think Florida State I did it right. I was a great life experience. I've all ever have a so a great experience. That'd be fun. I think Florida State, I did it right. I was the greatest life experience I've ever had. I was so fucking fun. Really? Oh my God.

I wouldn't mind going to a small private school that's in a town where not a lot of people live. You know, like swanning or something? You like this? Yeah, I do like those. But how much do those cost? 100 bucks. Yeah, 90 bucks.

So you can get good shoes for not $700. Yeah. Yeah, you can't, but I do think those are super dope. They're cool. They're cool, but only if you know they're cool. You know what Leanne thinks? They're fucking ridiculous.

She was take them off. I'm not walking around with you with pink laces on your shoes. No, I think they're cool. Do you think push would like these? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I like them. Oh, I don't need to put it back on.

Yeah, I'm not a big, I feel like I have a hard time spending money. Yeah, yeah, because I feel, part of me feels like the second you know, I was saying this to someone the other day, it's a fine line between being humble and then and then acting like I deserve to be here. Yeah, you know, we're, we're as opposed to so many times in this business we've seen guys, and women, and women, definitely women as well, who behave like they're the best in town, and you're like, you're not that good, like, you need to check yourself

a little bit, but then there's a fine line between having a little bit of what they have, and then being humble, you know, or being sometimes too humble, like, I would say Rogan and Burrett times are too humble. Like, Rogan is, I remember Rogan telling me one time he wasn't famous, and I was like, okay, let's, let's, because I was telling him, I was famous, he's like, bitch, Rogan is, I remember Rogan telling me one time he wasn't famous and I was like, okay.

Let's, let's, because I was telling him I was famous, he's like, bitch, you're not famous and I'm not famous. And I was like, first of all, you might be right about me, but you're fucking definitely famous. And by the way, I'm famous because I know you, okay? But like, but there's a fine line, so I have a hard time spending money. I just don't want to spend money because I'm afraid that if I spend money then I look like I'm gonna, and then people get a reason to laugh at you when you fail. Oh, because you spent your money. Oh yeah, look at this.

Look at this fucking guy. Just bought this and now look at him. But then you do spend money. I do spend money. Got it. The shoes, you got a new car, you're building another house. He's got robbed.

Yeah. Yeah, got robbed. What happened? Can I tell you, do you think they were like, we'll teach Bert for spending all his money? No, it was land that spent the money. It was, they still call our appliances.

From your new house. Yeah. They were just installed appliances. No, no, they hadn't been installed yet. We just, they're about to be installed in like a couple of days. And. I imagine this probably pretty expensive. It was pretty expensive.

Yeah, it was really expensive. Yeah, but you know insurance coverage is not saying that- But this is like new ovens and fridges and all that stuff and ice maker, great ice maker, great, that you know I love fucking cool stuff. There's one thing I would bet that you have an awesome order on, it's an ice maker. Bro, I spent extra money on this ice maker

because I wanted a certain type of ice, big fucking spender over here. I want a certain type of ice big fucking spend over here I want a certain type of ice. I got that ice popcorn ice Like popcorn. Yeah, like kind that you get when you go to the kind of you go to like a restaurant You know the drive-throughs that give you a styrofoam cop and you get the popcorn ice. Yeah, oh, do that expensive machine It was it's gone now and I and and I could, it's on back order so I can't get one so I can't get fucking popcorn ice cream. I pour, stop putting popcorn ice cream in there.

Yeah. What kind of man eats ice cream? Yeah. It does not opopulate. I know. Um, popcorn ice is fucking the best. And so I got, I, we'll see if we can get it. I might just hold off and not even get an ice maker

until I can get the ice maker I want. Because I really want, I'm like a big into ice. Yeah. This set, please. Oh, there's no ice like that. There's no big into ice. There's nothing better than like, No, I didn't think so.

Wine dineck improv, listen to the machine. Thank you. The, when you make like a listen to the machine. Thank you. When you make like a big cup like this, right? And you fill it with ice. And then you pour like a soda in there. The soda's that much better. Yeah. I'm a big cocktail guy, right?

Cocktail, there's nothing worse than going to someone's house and they're running out of ice. Yeah, it sucks. Can I tell you, I'm gonna name one comedian who does not believe in ice, who does not have ice in his house. Try to guess, does not have ice in his house.

Where you're saying it makes you tell you're talking about Sebastian or something. No, so you're like, does not have ice. No, no, in his house. Sebastian's got the best ice in town I got guaranteed like look think about this ready. Yeah, think about calm Let's let's name off comics that would care about the kind of ice they had in their house. Okay, meaning like they'd be like Oh, yeah, first of all I've always got ice and I like different kinds of good ice

I guarantee you Sebastian, Manus, Kako has the best ice in town probably I Almost want to I thought you were leading into an impression. I want to call him right now. Do you have his number? Yeah. Let's call him and see if he cares about ice. And if I call him and say he's gonna be like, the fuck?

You call him because I think I don't think I have his number. I have his number but I don't save it. So, yeah. That one, is that the number you have? He also changed numbers three times. This one? I have. F*** Jesus. No, I don't, I don't have that one is that the number you have he also changed numbers three times this one I have Jesus no, I don't I don't have that one try this one no try yours. I think mine's new okay Then wait what was last time you talked to him you talked to him recently now what it wasn't recently and it's also the third number

He's given me. I don't have that number. Well, but I'm saying I'll try to get the right number. Okay. I bet the way this might be Sebastian Bach. I do have Sebastian Bach's number. What am I? Yeah, what's up, baby? It's nice. Going to voicemail. All right, you try the new number. You try it. No. He's gonna be like, what are you calling me by the ice?

But if you call me, like, yeah, Bert calls me by the ice. Let's see if that's, I have two numbers for him. Try this one. No. Why not? Or do you call, or do you cycle call them? No, you didn't cycle call them. Right now he's got another phone on his table ring and he's like, goddamn it.

Who the fuck is this? Call this one. That's what I thought you were doing. Shut up. Just dial it. Alright. What if he answers, he's like, how'd you get this number? What the fuck bro? When I don't pick...

Did you put it in right? Yeah, I think so. Stop saying the numbers. Yo, I'm sick of this motherfucker. Tom, knock him in his mother fuck it jaw nigga All right No, you got you got a dead number I said number um, so try try it. Yeah, I try it see Disconnected this one. It's the third one. Yeah, I got the new number Jesus Christ so

I'm gonna attack I'll text them. I think I'm almost certain I got the new number. Jesus Christ. So, I'm gonna text him. I think I'm almost certain I got his text. Jesus Christ. One time, he reached out to me, he was like, did you tell a guy in New York to call me about my finances? I was like, fuck no. He's like some guy called me. Did you?

Hey, I'm doing a podcast with Tom and we're talking about ice and we'd love to have your hot take on ice All right, what if you like he's like I didn't know his ice hold on a second. I got like he was like, I didn't know his ice hold on. I hold on a second. I got big. He had a lot of things to say about this. I bet he does. I guarantee you, I guarantee you some Astrid's kind of guy when he bought his new house.

I guarantee he's kind of guys like, let me see the ice maker. Yeah. And they're like, well, it has six fridges. Which one do you want to see? So guess the comedian who did not, I went to his house to do a podcast. Yeah, I want to know.

I want to know. And he didn't have ice. And he's like, I don't believe in ice. And he's like, oh Yeah, I want to know I want to know didn't have ice and he's like I don't believe in ice and he's like oh you need ice and I go you don't have ice and he's like why would any ice? I was like, how do you drink just tell me so so let's hold on. Let's think Marin no no Marin Marin had ice Marin's got it Have you seen I'm just taking a podcast? No, stop. I'm Marin Okay, who's house did you go to to do a podcast? Fits? No, you didn't do it as house. No, he's a big ice guy.

Oh, he's a big ice guy. You want to talk about ice? Talk to me. Okay. Um, I don't know. Bobby Lee. Oh. Now, it's like, you're talking about a fucking mental ward.

Yeah. Didn't believe in ice. Okay. Do they have ice at Cedar's sign? I mean, yeah, okay. I had to take frozen fruit from his fridge. And what? He's like, why would I have ice?

Well, I would have ice. And I went, I go, who wouldn't have ice? He goes, I don't drink. And I said, Bobby, other people use ice for other things than just making cocktails. Yeah. Didn't have ice. I goes, I don't drink. And I said, Bobby, other people use ice for other things than just making cocktails. Yeah. Didn't have ice. I guarantee you, I guarantee you Whitney has a great ice machine.

We'll see about Bobby, so. Yeah, ask him a fucking ice. He won't answer. Oh, you think he's awake? Oh, that's right. It's way too early. Him and I will have to carry the same hours. She sleeps in that much?

She's sound asleep right now, I guarantee you. Why? She actually didn't get out of bed one day for 24 hours. That's a good sign. It's kind of like, yeah, they're like, do you have to have the bathroom? She's like, I already did it. Like in the bed? Oh, god damn. I don't have a Like in the bed. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I was like, that's not surprising. Of course, right. Yeah, everything got robbed. Can I tell you what really broke my heart

about this robbery? So I had planned my one splurge for this house was I was gonna build a moat. By the way, is there like recording is there a camera of the robbery? I don't know, you wanna hear how a divorce almost started? Fucking, I fucking, Leanne. We got all these cameras and then I go,

we'll think how we have the cameras and she's like, I haven't put them online yet. And I was like, well, why would we get the cameras before we're not going to use them? She was like, I don't know. I, what, yeah. And I just, like, real fucking broad move. I got so fucking angry.

And I was like, so we bought all these cameras. They're all on, but they don't record. She was like, well, I didn't think we were going to get robbed. And I was like, so we bought all these cameras, all these cameras are on, but they don't record. She was like, well, I didn't think we were gonna get robbed. And I was like, well, no, that's the whole point. That's no one knows you're gonna get robbed. And that's why you have the cameras. So in case you get robbed, you can go, that's what these people look like.

Let's just put this to the police. Right. The police came and they were like, you guys gonna do fingerprints? The guy went, are you serious? And I was like, no fingerprints and he goes, nah, he's like, welcome to LA, buddy. And he was like, no finger prints and he goes, nah. He's like, welcome to L.A. buddy. And he was like, this is the new L.A.

He said, I called you and I told you this. He said, this is the new L.A. Because of COVID, they're not arresting anyone and they're not charging anyone and they're not putting anyone in prison. So things are getting a little out of control. And petty crime and stuff like this, this kind of shit, no one's going to jail for, they don't even give a fuck.

And so he's like, so, yeah. Who do you think did it, boy guys? I'll tell you what, I could get into the, I could get into the skinny of it because here's the deal. And this is what bummed me out, is I was gonna have a moat build around my house. I was, not a moat, it was gonna be like a koi pond.

Right. But in the front, I was gonna dig this huge koi pond because I thought that was the best line of defense. Well, they are digging up, they're currently digging up all our lines in that yard. So there are no joke. I am not joking. Nine foot deep trenches all over this yard. And these people went through this.

They went over the trenches the trenches are Fucking four feet wide. This was this was definitely Mexican thing you're saying Is that how are you saying it had to be someone good? I Don't know I would think I would I just I I so funny I didn't I assume the moat Bill the moat. Bill that moat Dude they got over Trenches that are literally like three feet wide three feet wide nine feet deep that surround the garage

I mean they surround where they got and they took an ice machine Ground the garage. I mean they surround where they got and they took an ice machine to refrigerator They took it over the fucking moat and so I was like moats are useless like you think a moat would make sense These guys did it didn't have a problem. They took them by bows and arrows the guy bought bows and arrows for the girls We've been shooting bows and arrows. They took 300 or thousand arrows. I think I had a thousand arrows two bows I had fucking all this shit in the garage and they just went through. You feel violated when you get robbed like that. You feel so violated and I was angry. And then and everything was spinning apart.

I told you about some of the stuff in there that was like fucking shit falling apart. And I got so livid and I was like, just get this date on, just get this date on. Can you tell me to end on a nice note, what's going on with this mural? What I saw a little shot of? What's happening?

Where is this? This is in Zany's Nashville. And if I'm not the back side of the club? I yell on the side wall. They're doing murals of comedians. And I think if I'm not mistaken, they're putting you right next to me. Really?

Take a look. That's you. That's Eddie Take a look. That's you. That's Eddie Murphy. I think it's you. Nidav, who does that look like Tom? I could see a bit of a resemblance. Yeah, that's Tom. Paul had big nose.

Did you get your nose off a little bit? That's a good one of you. Isn't that good? And they got your fucking catchphrase on your hat. 100%. I loved it. They made my teeth a little white. Yeah. They didn't go multi-colored. Snoop told me I need to go. By the way, you know I spit bars to Snoop and he fucking loved them. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I spit it. And I told him I said, you know, I almost signed a record deal. I almost did sign a record deal. You know that, right? No. Oh,

yeah. I got offered a record deal. By whom? Where? When? Big New York Company. How long ago? It's a few months ago. And I- Why were there for your record deal?

Oh. Because I spit bars. Hi, hi, Tom. Shut the fuck up. Let it hurt, speak. He's got a point here. Listen to him. I'm going to take these away from you.

It's Our live event's gonna be so fucking good. It is gonna be it's gonna be so fucking good. Here's the thing We're gonna be drunk and I and what we should do is we should we should also block certain people from being able to watch it How do we do that? I don't know like I'm gonna give you a few emails that end in TBS. Yeah, and You block those. Get rid of those. We'll have good ice here. We're gonna have a good time. Oh, put that on the list.

You need to get some good ice for the event. We need good ice. And by the way, multiple types of ice. Don't just get one bag of ice. Shout out to North Hollywood ice company. There you go. Reach out to them about wanting to jump on a live show with different types of ice.

Hey, also get in 300 pounds of ice in here and let's do some polar plunges. Me and you, polar plunge. On the live show? On the live show. Fuck no. Yeah, it is so good. It's not good.

It's, I bet. You wanna be in this room in a polar plunge? And we're gonna be, are we gonna be naked? That'll think so. We shouldn't find out. But here's actually, our Dix will be out because we have those. We got vibrating Dix leaves to see who comes faster.

But and actually, normally I would say we'd have to hide it, but we can actually just put them on in front of the table. Well, I think it's good. Can I tell you about a dream that we put butt plugs in each other? That's an have to be a dream. We could do it. I was like, it was set up so that they were like,

the dominatrix behind us and like, all right, who's gonna tap out first in a butt plug? Yeah. And there was like a thousand dollars here and we're gonna find out who's gonna win the thousand dollars. We both put 500 in and we both put the butt plugs in and she was like, I can't go any further on either of you. We're like, well, we need a winner in this. Oh my God.

Can I see a picture of our dominatrix? Oh my God, she's, do they know about the dominatrix yet? They know now. We have a dominatrix coming for the live event. Yes. There she is. Oh, how old is she? I don't know.

Let's get an age on her. It's probably not a good, let's hope she's over 24. She is. Okay, good, good. I can't be around the young fucking dominatrix. I need old haggard. No, she's not an old haggard dominatrix. She's a hot smoking hot medical. What does it say medical? What are the things she, what are the things that she can do to us? Put on lipstick lipstick slowly exonically elegant Let's see her interests. Can we go to her interests? See sensual play. Well, that's still a lot of that forced feminization Sissy play humiliation and degradation piercing. Yep, or paging

bondage Packing Ooh, I wouldn't mind getting pagged, huh? What's that mean? That's fun. You're gonna do it Bondage. Packing. Ooh, I wouldn't mind getting pegged, huh? What's that mean? That's fun. You're going to do it. Wax play, genital spanking, squeezing. What's CBT?

CBT. It's a cognitive behavioral therapy. Okay. Is that what it's out of work? I can't be. It can't be. Electro stimulation, general diagnostic, nipple torture, nice.

Chassis control. Keep going. Roll play, corporal punishment, God. Sensor replay, we got blindfolds, or we're gonna do some of that. Sensor replay? Water sports, that's peepee. She's gonna piss on us.

I hope so. Tens, tens, is that like the dozens? I I hope so. Tans. Tans, is that like the dozens? I don't know. Electric, this simulation. This definitely seems like a lot of fun. Go to her, scroll back up, and go to her gallery. She is gorgeous.

Oh my god. Oh my god, I don't know about you, but I think I might come first. Wait, you're not allowed to come in dominatrixes. Well, I can come whenever I want, but I'm not gonna come in her. I just met in my pants. What if the whole thing is just Tom just every now and then just... Yeah. Wait, what happened?

Nothing, keep going. Dude, she's gorgeous. She is gorgeous. Yeah. This is a good move for our careers, right? Should we run this by our wives shut up? You know it'd be great, but as if we got our wives to come in and they could torture our genitals. Oh, yeah. Like as this lady pisses on us. I'm working on a loser. She's gonna see this and be like, I'm not fucking busy with these guys.

Why not? She's on your site. Where would you let her pee on you? What do you mean? Like if she was like, okay, I'm gonna pee on you. Pick a place. Wherever you want. No, not my face. I'm not gonna pee on you pick a place wherever you want no, I'm not my face I'm not gonna be peeing on my face. That's probably the first spot I would ask for I'm a how long sir stream gonna be how long can I hold my breath? Hopefully a long time What did she just like have one of those morning pisses? What if she's just like eight like a fucking pound of asparagus? Just farting on you

I have an IUD. A fart box seems like to be the worst type of thing to be into. You know what I mean? Where you had it locked in there, so it sits and farts in your face. That would be so nerdy. So we got to really come up with, is she gonna torture her to dov?

Oh, that's what we should have. Is have her in there, and when we go ahead and the dog pull that up and he's like, I'm on it, Drown God, damn it! That's a good idea. Oh, maybe I could give him, I wanna give him a chiropractic adjustment. That might be good to do on a live show too.

Okay. Oh, I wouldn't mind trying that out. Yeah. We could do it together. The first chiropractic adjustment I ever got was from a drunk chick on top of an RV at Lake Habitson. That's not a chiropractic adjustment. She was like, I'm pretty sure I can do this.

And I was like, you're hot enough, let's try. She was like, I didn't get you just made it worse. Can I tell you a cool story that happened that trip? Yeah. This is one of my favorite stories. How long ago was this? This was probably 18 years ago. It was me, Bobby Kelly, Vincent, and Astrian, Matt Frost.

Okay. And so we were all at this poolside bar at this hotel. The poolside bar is here, right? There's a pool, there's a bar, and a lake's right here. And then there's this tall hotel right here. And so I am sitting there having a beer and all of a sudden I see this beautiful woman

in a red dress, like a red kind of sundress on the balcony and I look up and she's looking at me and she waves and I wave and then she goes and then she lifts her dress up and shows, she's completely naked underneath it. And then drops it back down and goes, and I'm like, oh God, I wanna tell everyone, but I don't wanna, and I'm like, Bobby, take a look at the girl that I just, just look at her, so you look at her, and they're like, what's going on?

And then I looked up, and she was gone. It was like one of the coolest things. I always wanna, history's not as good as I, rather being there, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it definitely wasn't, but I also thought that it was gonna end

with you going up to a room or something. No, I never could close deals on stuff like that. No. No. Is Lake Havasu? Yeah, anyone that wanted to, anyone that wanted to fuck me, I was like gross. Was that crazy? Yeah.

I needed to have sex with people that I didn't think liked me. Like I wanted to, I wanted to turn them. Yeah. You know, like I didn't. So somebody who was kind of reluctant to do it? No, that sounds a little rapy, but like I was like, she said no a bunch and like fought me and then I'd be like, oh that's what I'm into.

No, I'm saying like, like someone who just was like, where I felt like it was. That's out. No, no, where I felt like, I out. No, no where I felt like I Feel like I had to work for it where I like had to show my person out not like not someone who's just like throwing themselves at you If there was a chick that was like I remember one time a chick was like hey, we're at Yannis and tell Hasseen She was like so we went on my place for your place and I was like Gross I was like if you want to do that with me, barely knowing me, you must fuck everybody.

Yeah. And I was like, I don't want to be, it was like the old Woody Allen joke. I don't want to be a member of a club that's going to have me. Yeah. You know, I get some of that too. I want the chick that doesn't want to fuck me because she's really hot. Right. And then I got a fight for it and be like, and like be like, ah, I know.

Once I was in college, I was sitting at like a, like on a patio, and this girl walked by, stop, comes around, and she hands me a condom. I was like, she goes, we're gonna use that later. This is like how she says hello. Oh, I like her. Yeah, kind of. I like her in your story.

She did that to me, I'd be like, ah. Well, I was like, this is a super whore, you know? Yeah. Like, she's, she's a mom now probably. Oh, for sure. But that's not gone in her super whore is not gone in her. Yeah. Like where, what happens when you're a super whore mom, hey, we should do, let's get anonymous submissions from super whore moms. I like it. Okay. Super girls that were like,

I could not get enough dick in college, fresh out of college, you would have thought I was writing a paper about dick. And now I'm married and I have to suppress that. Or is it in your past? Or is it in your past? Like, I don't miss it. Is it just a phase in your life?

What's the email? Two bears, one cave at gmail.com. Please use the subject-lined Super Horror Mom. Super Horror Mom. I think Leanne wasn't a super horror mom. She was definitely a lot crazier when we first started dating. There's, by the way, one thing that will never leave

my memory is driving with her. That day that I remember when I came by, I had no idea about that aspect of her personality at all. That's by the way, that's who she was to fuck. That fun part of her, like back in the day, she was wild. Leanne was fucking wild. I mean wild. I remember the night before we got married.

The night before we got married, we go out, we have a party at her at this place, I think it's called the mill or something. And she takes me outside into her, head into a truck. And I'm talking, I mean, jumps my bones. Like in the truck, like everyone's inside, she like gets me out of this truck

and we go out to the truck and I was like, what's going on? She's like, I always wanted to talk to you. And I was like, okay, and then fucking straddles me and is making out with me all over me, grabbing my, all over me, and I'm like, oh, we're definitely fucking. And she was like, and then she stopped

and she goes, you've decided about tomorrow. And I was like, yeah, she're definitely fucking. And she was like, and then she stopped and she goes, you've decided about tomorrow? And I was like, yeah, she goes, I hope you are and left. And I went, I'm gonna fucking marry that bitch. Yeah. This is the fucking greatest thing ever. What if you remember that? She probably remembers that. I bet she doesn't.

Why would she not remember that? I bet she goes, yeah, I kind of maybe. Well. Well. This is how much you want to bet if I call the end? She goes, she goes, honey, I'm busy right now. Okay, let's see This and that's the difference and that's I just You know something very sweet that I said to her yesterday. What we were talking about something about I said to her

Life's been a little complicated obviously with coronavirus and with everything going on And I mean other stuff. I was telling you about, what's going on with you? And I said, nothing's going on with me. I just know that at a certain age, you go on halfway done life. And it may only be 10 more years or 20 more years. And I said, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I said nothing going on with me. I just know that At a certain age you go on halfway done life and and it may only be 10 more years or 20 more years and what is it in there for me like to We cool to start all over and have a brand new family and get a young wife like I understand that I go but I wouldn't do that. She goes well, what makes you different than them? And I said to her Honey, I realize one day. I'm going to be on my deathbed and I will be dying and there is no person I want holding my hand more than you walking me into death and going it's gonna be okay. I go that's what I want. She was like

Oh my god, she was like you are so much deeper than I thought you would be and I was like well I know that one day I'm gonna be fucking dying and going like I'm scared and I'm freaked out and I go I want you there I don't what's a fucking twenty two year old bimbo going I didn't get the login for your bank accounts Some fucking dumb slut with fucking blonde hair going like can you imagine looking at great tips when you're about to die And you're like I'm leaving that for someone else with she's gonna have all my money and fuck anyone she wants fuck that yeah I want I want Leanne being like, I'll never get married after you. You're my last one. Skater, skater, skater. Hello. Hey, how you doing? I'm good. How are you doing? Even something.

Okay. Do you remember the night before our wedding? Do you remember anything special about the night before our wedding? Your mom brought her cheese? What? That was like, no, no, no, no, no, I meant the actual night before our wedding when we all went to that restaurant at the, your rehearsal dinner?

Yeah, do you remember me and you ever going to a truck? No. All right, I love you. I'll talk to you later. Why are you two? What did I tell you? Doesn't the thing I remember the most? Why does she not remember that? Is it possible that this was a dream that you made up? No, it's not a dream. It's not a dream.

How does she not remember that? Who fucking knows, Tom? That's the way her brain works these days. It's just like functional. Get me through the day get eyelid done on her homework It's fucking get a new wife brother. I know. I mean we never even talked about the vowel Wait till she sees the footage of you and mistress Melody Then she'll remember she was there from when I was dating her I was dating her when I did it with mistress Isabella really she was cool with it then So I think she probably even more cool than now. Probably. In fact, then it was like actual cheating. Right. Actual. All right. I remember

going like, I think I'm cheating on my girlfriend and they're like, you're fine. It's hard to cheat on your girlfriend. You have a full film crew here. And I was like, good call. I had a dream that I was a Navy SEALB real quick. I had a dream I was a Navy SEAL last night. I told this to my tennis coach this morning. And my job is a Navy SEALB where we're leaving a convention center, getting to the beach, very short swim. They said you're new So your job is to kind of look out for sharks Yeah, okay, so I swim upside down like back towards the ground looking up at this guy looking at all them swimming And kind of like perusing for sharks and at the last minute I saw a shark and I was like, fuck but we were like wastey

Water and I we were kind of safe I thought it would be cool if I killed the shark stabbed it and was like I saved your life. That doesn't mean he's no when I saved your life but I did save your life. So I stabbed the shark I'm in wastey water and they're already on the beach and I was like yeah you guys are fucking lucky and I lifted the shark up over my head with the knife in the side of it and they're like oh my god you're an animal. I was like, what? And it was a dolphin.

And if I dream I'd throw it in and we're like, oh my God, he got it. You got to tell your therapist this, man. This is a good deep-breeding therapy. I'm not gonna be therapy anymore. No? This is a good episode. Do you think you don't need therapy anymore?

No, I'm done. What was the point where you realized you didn't need it anymore? When I realized I was not being truthful. To the therapist? To the therapist, because we were face timing and I was like, someone's gonna record this and then play these and make,

and then everyone's gonna watch out my therapies and so I started lying because I was like, I might not tell them the truth. Yeah. So I can always go, it's a lie. Yeah. Guys, they made this all up. I've had the same fear.

Oh, I'm terrified. It's so funny, I'm terrified that they're gonna get my texts, so I'm not honest in text. I'm not honest in anything. Social media, I keep everything at arm's distance. I go, if they get my texts, if you ever type in, we've done this before. If you type in a horrible word in your text who comes up

Well, it's not good That's definitely not good if you type in a horrible word type in Yeah, I typed in I typed in I typed in a horrible word and look who types it the most. Oh yeah. So, but like yeah, I'm not, I am always cognizant that someone could be recording me. Really?

Oh, 100%. Like, to the, where sometimes I fantasize, like this kid was being rude at a fish shop the other day. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, I'm gonna fucking smack this kid in the fucking side of it. Like I was like, in my head sometimes I fantasize, like this kid was being rude at a fish shop the other day. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, I'm gonna fucking smack this kid in the fucking side of it. Like I was like, in my head, I was like, I bet his parents would appreciate me

smacking him inside of his head for the way that he's treating this old man. Like, and then real quick, I looked around, I go, there's a camera right there. All right, where's there not a camera where I could smack this kid? What if I brought him over to the corner and then beat the fuck out of him?

I didn't, obviously I didn't do anything. But like, I'm very cognizant of being recorded. Of being recorded. I stopped talking freely in between breaks on radio stations because I know they record them and they play that as their podcasts. Yeah. And so I was like, I just fucking shot my mouth and try not to say anything. I'm honest with you guys when we're in the lobby, that's probably the most honest I am. I watched the debates and I was dishonest

with my reactions to certain things. There were a couple of times where Trump fucking made me laugh hysterically. And I would bite my lip cause my nest cam's on. And I was like, if someone gets hold of my nest cam and sees me spitting wine out of my nose at this fucking lunatic, they're gonna be like, use all fucking

cancel him cancel him, but man Trump had me rolling. That's paranoia almost man It well it you think about it Alexa is all over the place. That's true. They I guarantee you they're And then remember that time the ambassam was like oops When somebody's Conversation was sent to them or some member it was like recorded and sent and they were like oh There's something in this thing that we didn't program right? conversation was sent to them or some member it was like recorded and sent and they're like oh there's Something in this thing that we didn't program right? Dude Hmm, what if I found out what if I said

What and who's to say they haven't put this in there and by the way? Why wouldn't they put this in there when you watch it if you watch Netflix documentary about social media? Yeah, the social dilemma so should lemma and then you start going yeah They're humans that made this and the humans are also really brilliant And they can put these little Easter eggs in there that you don't know about yes What is it until the day that they walk into your house and they're like are you guilty against crimes against Trump? And you're like excuse me and they're like I just by the way I just watched the hunger games Which is so paralleled into what's going on right now in our country. It's insane

But where they go, Trump gets a reelected and he goes, that does it, I'm taking everyone to jail. Go in and hit their Alexa and see if they've ever said anything negative about me. And they walk in and they're like, Abra-Kid Abra and Alexa are like, I'm here and you're like, what the fuck?

And they're like, Alexa, how many times has he said something negative about the government? And they're like 170 times and you're like, Alexa, what the fuck are you doing? She's like, I'm on their team, Bert. And that's our show today. By the way, I'm, and, no, by the way, I'm talking politically and I hope I'm not trying not to.

Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Don't forget, two bears, one cave live, a double XL event. No, we're playing about cocaine. I think he's not cool with me saying that. October 15th, it'll be, is it 5 PM Pacific? Yes. 5 PM Pacific, ymhvirtual.com, we're really excited to do it.

I will be coming off the road. Yep, just to look from the road, just to do this one podcast, and I really excited. I will be coming off the road. Yep. Just from the road just to do this one podcast Like some and I'm excited and also good luck on Friday. We'll have fun playing tennis. Oh, yeah Oh, that's yeah, yeah, two days. All right. Uh, we'll see you guys soon. Bye. I love you. I love you. I love you I'm Bird time time and bird one goes top the swath the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call.

Two bears one cave. No scripts to bed a booze amateur pathology. Dirty jokes, crunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call. Two bears one cave. Apologies, here's what we call Two bears, one cave