2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 53 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Ryan Sickler

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

SPONSORS: - Head to Policygenius.com right now to get started and see what weirdly specific amount they could save you - Get your first visit absolutely free at ForHims.com/bears -Go to NoDaysWasted.co/BEARS and use code BEARS at checkout for 20% off and free shipping in the US. - Get 20% Off and Free Shipping at Manscaped.com/BEARS - Go to Feetures.com/CAVE to get $10 off your first pair! - Go to Talkspace.com or download the Talkspace app and use promo code BEARS for $100 off your first month. Bert Kreischer is out for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, but Ryan Sickler joins Tom Segura in his place. Ryan and Tom start out this episode by discussing Jeffrey Toobin's recent scandal and take a look at OJ Simpson's video response on the matter. They share stories from being on jury duty, and read an email from a super cool mom. This prompts Ryan and Tom to share some of their craziest sex stories, as well as stories about strippers, Woody Harrelson, and Ryan's old roommate.

Damn! You're retuberant? At least P.W. Herman was in an ex-rated movie theater. I'm just saying. You shitting, you shitting on P.W. too. He took two shots. All his videos, by the way, if you watch the recipe video, he goes, Hey, Twitter World, it's yours truly.

Everything you'll time. It's yours truly. It's so weird to have a murderer be like, Hey, it's yours truly. He basically cut a dude's head off a murderer be like, oh my- Hey, it's yours truly. He basically cut a dude's head off. He did. And then he's like, hey, Twitter world. There's a, and people say like, oh.

It's yours truly. 100%. I for having 100% bro. 100% excited to be here. 100%. Thanks for coming though man. Appreciate it. Thank you very much. How's this phase of quarantine pandemic affecting you? This phase is really, I know we had dinner recently. This phase, it shifted, homeschooling really. That changed everything. That changed everything.

Yeah, I'm so far behind on life. I'm so far behind on priorities. I'm so, I have a kindergartener who is learning how to read. So she's not, you know, they say, we'll get this book or that book or get this folder and turn to this page and you got to, and that's what the teacher says before we start every class.

Please be sure you have an adult there to help you if you need it and please keep your clothes on for the full session. Oh yeah, this kid's taking her fucking clothes. Of course. Like Jeffrey Tuben, CNN. Come on man. He pulled his dick out and was jacking off

with people from the new... Do you want to like a rehearsal for the... Yeah, he was like click click and they're like mm-hmm and he's like points, he's like jacking his dick and then they're like Jeff and he's just like ah and then he goes like what is that my life? He's like, I'd like to apologize to my family and my colleagues.

So he was doing, let me see if I have this right though. Here's a laptop here, or whatever. We're on this call over here. But he says, he thinks he thought he had muted the video, he said, or at least turned it, disabled the video. So then he's got another device over here that he's jerking it to is that That's about right as you know can we pull up some more information on this it would have because I'm a little device

I thought the story I first read was that he thought he had switched Like you got another call on the same laptop or something is that not is that not what what is happening you got hit news So I wonder if he, oh I'm sure Fox did him dirty. Let's hit that story. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Let's see here.

So scroll down. He'd be thrilled to talk about it. Make that bigger for a second. Like the, no, not that. Look at the copy copy and scroll down So let's see The New Yorkers in let's see was a legally comp met during a zoom in for a several colleagues scroll down I want to see two people were on a short little by said that the call was an election simulation featuring many of the biggest stars

Mayor has been colleagues with two of his defense. He might that's my we what he gets all fall on you know election simulations Scroll down look at this doesn't does it have his explanation? All right, find the explanation. So did you see OJ, Tweet about it? I heard, I didn't see. He heard he was like, did you shit together? You know, OJ, or Tweet had wrote that book, right? Oh, okay. So he covered that trial in depth,

and then he wrote the book that the series was then based on when the FX series about the trial and about that whole show. He was like the leading expert, and OJ, he was like, ooh, Tuben. Is that what you did? Like, it's hilarious. On his Twitter feed. There's a guy out there that killed two people,

who has clowned you all in social. How many times you think he stopped the right and that book, The Jerk Off? This guy's got a problem. I mean, he's doing it in the middle of a meeting. Yeah, like we're doing an election. He was like, I just gotta get this out real quick. But yeah, maybe, you know,

maybe that's just what he gets off on. I've had mid day jerks, you know, that you just got like, you just have to get it out. Like, you know what, this has to happen. Yeah. If you're done it on a phone call, like while you're talking to somebody,

not if it wasn't sexually related. That's my whole point. You have? Yeah. No. How could you even concentrate on either of those things? Oh, I just got bored. Wait, you're on like a call with like the credit code,

you just sput and charges. Yeah the credit code you just sputan charges Jarg it all yeah, but I'm on the phone. I'm not in a video Yeah, you're not a piece of shit Do you have the explanation? Okay, that says why are men so compelled to defend it on a Zoom? Okay, what does this say here? He said it was an accident, those are good ones. Those are good accidents.

Has asked for some time off, like just with a personal issue, yeah. Ordinarily, he'd be covering Supreme Court, kind of information, of course. So I made an embarrassing stupid mistake believing I was off camera. I believe that was not visible on Zoom. I thought no one on the Zoom call could see me. I thought I was muted. So it must be a different device. I think you're right. Go to OJ Simpson's Twitter account. He's got like a Best Buy wall in front of him. He just got like all the different porn everywhere

And he had a trumpet coming out it said that's what it's all getting shut down Is that is that the one right there? Yeah, that is yeah, yeah, put your headphones on you got it put that at the beginning Here we go. Damn! Get me to it! At least P.W. Herman was in an ex-rated movie theater. I'm just playing. You shit, he shit on P.W. too.

He took two shots. All his videos, by the way, if you watch the recipe video, he goes, Hey, Twitter world, it's yours truly. Everything, all time. It's yours truly. Like, it's so weird to have a murderer be like, a murderer. Hey, it's yours truly.

A guy that committed double homicide. He's out there. He barely, he basically cut a dude's head off. He did, yeah. When I watched that show, I had no idea. You know, I'll always, When I watched that show, I had no idea. You know, it always, I mean, maybe I'm an idiot, but I always assumed he showed up with that knife. It never dawned on me that she was coming out to defend herself with that knife. And then he took that knife

from her and used it against her. Yeah. No, I never don't. I just thought because he's a killer. He had, he had it, you know, right, you show killers usually show up with their weapons. And I guess not, maybe not. How strong must he have been? Like, what, I mean, that is some other levels. Yeah. Because he butchered her, but you know, they're almost all the way up. They almost kept it.

They almost kept it. They almost kept it. And that guy was a, like, I don't know, with like 28 or something, right? He's a young man. And this dude just fucking ripped into pieces. And then he's like, like, I don't know, with like 28 or something, right? A young man, and this dude just fucking ripped into pieces. And then he's like, hey, Twitter world. There's a, and people say like, oh, it's yours truly.

Yours, yours. And he talks about like golf and shit all the time. You guys got on the back nine today, I just had a rough day. Y'all have a good one time. What are you doing this week? I'm just about to put a book out called, I didn't do it.

But if I did, I didn't do it. He's existed. He's existed. I did. If I did it. He's insane. And then have you seen the interview where he talks

about that book and he's like, now, and he'll preface it, it'll go, now, I didn't do it. But if I did, here's what I would have done. And then he goes into exactly what he did. Yeah. Speaking on it, like, and then I went around the, I mean, I would have gone around the back of the alley. Yeah.

And he goes into it. And there's blood on him. You live, you live. His Bronco at his, why is he everywhere? He's in Goldman's blood at OJ's house? He's I don't know. We just play one on one, man. You watch the like the six part. I've seen the FX series and the actual, but the I watched them

both back to the FX one is really good at entertaining. The ESPN one is like the most amazing thing I've ever seen. And as people that live through it, you're like, what else could I learn about this story? Yeah, oh, so much. And that's one of the best, like, documentaries of ever seen commenting on, you know, race, America,

the culture, that particular crime, the story. And it takes you through every level. It leaves you with absolutely zero doubt about it. And then even gets to that one conversation, I think, in the last episode, there's like a six-part series, remember? And the guy goes, I was talking to him about it one day, and he was like, you know, I would come up on whatever on sunset, and he's, oh, Jay was like, no, I went down Bundy. Like, I went down Bundy and made a left on,

and he goes and he just sitting there like, he was telling me, like he just snapped, like kind of pivoted and was like, you gotta go around this way, if you're gonna come out of there, that's the way I did it. And the guy was like, you just telling me that you killed them?

And he was like, yeah. Yeah. And then remember the juror, she's like, because they said he was innocent, and like how y'all like that. And at the juror, she's like, because they said he was innocent and like how y'all like that. And at the end that lady is like, I probably shouldn't have done that.

Yeah. You know, they thought he was gonna be, you know, a pillar in the community. That was a chance for him to really be someone that could like, Magic Johnson has done so much for the community in Los Angeles and so much. You got the Fridays and all of, you know, hiring people, giving back and working.

None of that for OJ. None of that. Then the story that I always laughed about was that. So he went to prison in Nevada for arm robbery, for robbing his own memories. Trophies. Yeah, trophy. He went to get his trophy. I did a photo shoot with my trophies. Granted, they weren't super bold. He didn't have one either. You know,

high as my high as my ship, but I just did a photo shoot with my trophies and throw them in the trash. Dude, well, so when he was in prison for that, he served like seven or nine years or something. He would be up for parole and he would go to his parole hearing with a board there. And it's very formal, you know, like, you know, stand up and state your full name. And then you have to report on how prison has been going for you there. And then they would say, you know, you're up for consideration for parole. And then they would go, have you ever been accused of a felony before?

And knowing full well who he is, right? And he would have to be like, yes. And they would go, what was the, for what was the crime you were charged with? And he would have to be like, double homicide. And then they would go, would you explain the circumstance of that charge? And he would have to walk them through that whole case at the parole hearing and be like, but I was found not guilty and they'd be like, hmm, interesting.

Okay, didn't you actually know about that? Uh, was there a overlook? Yeah, and then maybe like, you're not granted parole. It's about to check my file. It looks like I missed it a sheet here. Double homicide. Double homicide.

Not guilty, excuse me, not guilty. Hey, Twitter world. Hey, world. It's yours true. Yours true guy. The kill to people got away. He doesn't he feel like he killed two people got away with these calm out people and shit. Yeah, he said damn this. If I kill two people got away with it, the last place I'm gonna be is on Twitter. You never see you would never fucking hear of me. That's gotta be the, nobody would. Just the narcissism, right?

Because you're like, I need some type of, it's crazy as no checkmark. I noticed that Twitter's like, we're not gonna verify. Verify killer. Verify killer. Verify killer. There it is.

It's got almost a million followers. Hey guys. Hello Twitter, where is she? Oh, it's on his bio. It's got almost a million followers. Hey guys. Hello Twitter. Oh, he's got his bio. His bio is hello. Twitter. Well, it's yours truly. You don't see it here. I did say. I just played little golf. I didn't kill anybody. But if I did, read this entire book on how I would have done that shit. your team. Do you remember that he, the book, if I did it, was like supposed to be, I don't know, I guess the Goldman family was able to like stop it. They stopped it and obtained the right,

because of the civil ruling, right? Cause he's liable for like $30 million. So then they got it and what they, he wanted to put if this small on it, so like if is in the eye. No, he wanted to be big, sorry. They made it small, the golden fan size on it. So that it looks like it says, I did it.

I did it. Confessions of the killer. Yeah. Yeah. And then he's like, And at the bottom it says with executive or exclusive commentary, he did it. Yeah.

By the God. I never knew they did. Did you know they did. I didn't know they did that. They got exclusive commentary. He did it by the Goldman family. Good for them. I always remember the line that resonated with me most in that that made me so sad for

that man was, he said, my son is a footnote in this double murder. He is, because it was all about OJ and Nicole. And that was, he was just this afterthought and that dude was brutally butchered. Yeah, just like that. And it's not until that documentary I realized, like just how bad it was. Yeah, it was pretty horrible, man.

But, you know, the glove didn't fit so you must have quit Must have quit. Yeah, how about that? He would go a hypertension medic. He's pulling on the glove He's like, oh guys, look at guys come on man. I know I did that this is a fit the same fit. All right. I'm out who has gloves that don't fit Yeah That's the defense all the Imagine having a pair of gloves that don't fit. You know what? I don't even need to go to the jury.

That is a great question. Yeah. Who has gloves that don't fit? Holy shit. He's not guilty. Because I do. All my gloves. All my gloves.

Perfect. I have custom gloves. Look at his face. When he puts them on, he makes a face. He goes, hmm. He's gonna watch. He'll go, bites like his lower lip. He's like, man, it's just tight. Come on.

And over these rubber gloves. Come on, man, I wouldn't wear it. Ow. All right, he's gonna, I wouldn't wear it. Ow. All right. All right, he's going on. I'm trying to pull him on. He's like, am I supposed to put that one on? Let's see, we'll try the other glove. Watch, he's going to go.

See? Look at the grimacing. I didn't get that in. Ow. Shit. Man, it was easy to kill these two people and put these gloves on. I can't put my hands in these.

What happened was my son had gloves. Yeah, he's 14, so I murdered him with his gloves on. I'm sure my son's snowing. Look, he's like, I just, what you wanna do? I came and catch a ball with these gloves on. It was a scene around. It was a scene around it. You remember when it when the verdict came? Yeah, it was like, I think it was like a seismic shift in the earth here. Crazy cheering people crying. And so it must have been us to be here for that. Yeah, right? Because what you it was like 94 in the trial. I think yeah, I remember when he was arrested.

It was wasn't it June? Wasn't it June? I know. I'd just gone home for the summer. It was around that June. He was on the 405 and 94. Right. And now was it outcalings? Check if that was June. I bronca, yeah, June 13th, right? Yeah, because, and he was formally charged, June 17th. I was at basketball camp at a University of South Florida. Oh, it was killing people.

During the trial, and it was like the, you would go to the dorms, cause summertime, and go play all day, and then go back to the dorms. And then we went for the morning, they were like, all right, OJ Simpson was arrested for murder. Now let's play some basketball. We were like, what the fuck? Like, everybody knew him.

We were like, lay up, so do not. And they're like, the don't let it be a distraction. We're like, what are you talking about? It was a double murder. It's bad, but come on, man. Let's work. I'm gonna have fucking try and go off. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Jesus Christ. So we were talking, I was gonna say, could you imagine getting stuck on that case? Oh, no. Because there's a juror. Have you ever been on jury duty? I went to I went to jury duty to see if I was gonna be selected once here down you know who stood Directly in front of me was Adam McKay. Yeah, the the director writer and

When I remember he he had a script with them and everything. And I talked to him for a moment, and I was like, oh man, he's like a real activist type. I think he is. And so I was gonna be like, how are you gonna get out of this? But I was like, no, he wants to be a part of this. This is his civil duty. And I was like, I might say racist shit, what about you? But I was like, no, he wants to be a part of this. This is his civil duty. And I was like, I might say racist shit.

What about you? And he was like, what? But I remember that I really didn't wanna get selected. And I lucked out. I went through the whole process. I didn't say anything about people's race. And then they were like, you're officially like, you have to be available all week.

But every day you call this number, and then we'll tell you whether or not to come in. And so every morning you call it like 8 a.m. and then they would go, you're not needed today. And I just lucked out for the week. That was it, that was my only experience. Like you're lucky, see, I threw it in the trash for years. The notice, you know, because I remember in high school,

I did it so many times. I did a whole report on Al Capone. And I remember I'm pretty short with him that said, I refused to be judged by a jury of my peers too stupid to get out of jury duty. And I was like, well, how the fuck to get out of jury duty? And he's like, he's like, you're just throwing the trash. Throwing it.

Yeah. There's no signature required. There's nothing so forever I throw it in the trash. And then one day I got this, I mean a red envelope. Like fire engine red. Yeah. And I was like, I'll better answer this one. Yeah.

So I did it. I remember when I went down and I walked up to the windows as a black lady behind the booth and she went, got one of these, huh? And I was like, yeah, what is that? She's like, you know what this is? You betos like trash. I go, let me ask you something here. This is a, it's a summons. It's, which is a suggestion. You'd like me to come to court. But it's not a subpoena. A subpoena, I have to fucking be here or there's a failure to appear. There's a lot of legal shit to go. But a summons is like, hey, we'd like you to if you be here or there's a failure to appear. There's a lot of legal shit to go.

But a summons is like, hey, we'd like you to if you can. And she's like, look, you're not wrong, but she goes, you wrong. You go ahead over there. And then I got on a five week case. I was on over a month long. Oh, I remember this.

Yeah. Wasn't this a big drug case? It was huge. And they're like guns. Ryan Cicclar who lives at two speaks. You're like, hey, man. They would make, I would be locked Los Angeles at two speaks. You're like, hey, man, they would make, I would be locked Los Angeles, where specifically?

I'm like, why? Why do we have to be specifically that I live in Sherman Oaks at this address? And they're like, okay. And these guys would do the old mafia thing. They would, they had the piece of paper and they would write, as you talked, they would look, they'd look you in the eye.

Like, everybody was like, what happened? I remember this thing. They would look they'd look you in the eye like And everybody was like, um, wait what happened I remember this Thing's out yeah because so what was the case the case was a major case it was major It was over a million in drugs over a million in cash guns Everything hidden in washers and dryers it all happened in the parking lot of a jack in the box with an hidden in washers and dryers, it all happened in the parking lot of a jack in the box with a carav-a-minivan, it was fucking insane. Straight out of a movie. Straight out of a movie. And it was- So wait, why are you- When you walk in and open and close. You're like, is D.U.I? Like, you don't know what you're getting into. Nothing. And they had gone through, like you said, I've sat a full day of jury selection.

Maybe a day and a half. So by the time they had dismissed so many people, there were only so many of us left that I knew I was getting picked, and I got picked, and then we were in there, and then everyone started talking to each other. The whole jury was talking to each other. You're not supposed to talk to anybody. We're all going to, five weeks, we're all going to lunch,

going talking about the case and shit, and then one guy goes in and is like, yeah, I was in the hallway telling this juror right here that we couldn't get the Wi-Fi and then they made me come out singled out. And they started asking me questions from the whole courtroom. Yeah. Like, I was going to be in trouble for talking about the case or something. And I was like, nah, I was just asking me about Wi-Fi and he was telling me that our information is public. So I was just curious, is that the, hey, dramatic, because every night we had to walk these ladies

to their car, these dudes. And here's the other thing that's scary as fuck too. These guys were smart. Courtrooms are open to the public. So they would have, I mean, they'd have 10 people sitting in there with the tats all down the face and shit just staring at you, staring at you. Not looking ahead at the case.

That's the jury. Yes, yes, the whole time. It was scary as well. And then they would be like, Ryan Sickler, who lives at 227. And not the defendants would write shit down. They'd stare right in your eyes, like right like that. Didn't you say, like, do I have to give my address?

Yeah, I said, do we have to be specific? You don't have to give your house number, but you had to say this, you couldn't say Los Angeles. It had to be where. And then, and then I got called back again to jury duty. That's now off. You did, they no longer put that. Oh, really?

It's because it'll say, there's like things on the board. It'll say answer those three questions. Your name, whatever. But this last time was the best. This, this was like my paranoid schizophrenia. Wait, another jury. This is another jury dude. This was like two years ago.

It's maybe not even, it's a year and a half or so ago. And I get to go to Santa Monica and I get called for jury duty. And it wasn't even a selection, it was like you're on this case. Like when I got mailed, I'd already known. I was on this case. So the guy comes in, he's like, listen, I'm gonna be straight with you.

This is a homeless guy. It's a, if we can get a decision today by four o'clock, we are done for the week. It was Monday. And he goes, if not, we're gonna be here till this thing's done. And this guy is a little off his rocker and he's representing himself.

So we all start walking in the courtroom and as we're walking in, the guy standing there and he just keeps going, the sun, the moon, the truth, the sun. Have I told you this? The moon, the truth. And I was like, that's some shit that's definitely gonna be coming out here

in a little bit, I don't know. So he's representing himself. We're totally representing solid. Always solid advice. But ended up, what it was was he was a homeless, So he's representing himself. I'm totally nervous. I always saw it. Yeah. Always solid advice. But ended up, what it was was he was a homeless, I believe a vet who was being kicked out of this building, this facility because he was just too rowdy and they didn't want him anymore.

But really what was going on was it's this whole behind the scenes thing where they got to rotate bodies out of these places and if they don't, they don't get the grants and they don't get everything. Gotta keep taking care of people. So sooner or later, they gotta push some people out and they push the problems when out. So these people were arguing that this man went crazy at a place where crazy people were supposed to go crazy.

Like no offense, but that's your job. You signed up for this. This man is doing what he does at the place he's supposed to be. I was going to be crazy when I got here. Yeah. So they were thinking this was a simple case. But for us, we're like, well, wait a minute, this guy's it. You're just going to shove him on the street and let him be crazy on the street. Yeah. Like he's where he's supposed to be. So he kept going. And everything the attorney was saying, he would get up and he would he would try to repeat, oh he'd object. He'd be like, I object your honor.

The judge was so patient. He's like, you can't do that here. Like I'll let you know and you can do that. He would be like, I what was the one he said? I moved to strike that your honor to go to the judge just like, and we're all over there laughing. You know, like we can't help it. We're dying. And he starts asking each individual juror over there laughing, you know? Like we can't help it, we're dying. Yeah.

And he starts asking each individual juror because you know, you can release some jurors. Yeah. And he would start, he'd be like, what's your name, you like Tom? You'd be like, Tom, if you ever had season tickets to the Lakers games and you're like, huh?

He would ask shit like that. No, have you ever been to a sporting event? Yes. Okay, he's had a barcode in his life. I want him out of here. I swear to God, like the scared code scared him. He was sick, yeah. But he was a Mason.

And that was the thing. He knew, because the one guy was a Mason, that he was questioning on the stand, because he crossed examined everybody from the mental house, the place. And the guy's like, I'm a Mason. He's like, oh, you're a Mason. And he knew everything about the Mason. He did. Yeah, like, I'm amazing. He's like, oh, you're amazing. And he knew everything about the man. He did. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. But he was like, what this and this and this and the guy was answering all those questions. I was like, damn, it's

a lot. And then he finally get turns to the all of us. And he goes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, three things always come out. I go it is the sun the moon to true I told the dude next to me. I go that's just we're going here about the sun to move through the layer and right it like we did So we go back in and we all meet So we go back in and we all meet Dude, it's not the moon truth So this is hilarious. We all go in and we meet and we're actually We're actually torn like the crazy guys going crazy where he's supposed to go like we don't really want to find this guy guilty But by the rules of the law

We have to say he did violate the law so we had to to say guilty. And one guy, what was his violation of the law? Look what he do. He was like, he attacked a couple people, like the employees in there. And he was just being loud and he'd destructive. He would destroy. He'd never hurt anybody, but he would go after those guys, but they would come at him. So he'd fight back, he'd kick holes in the wall, just tear to place apart. So one guy on the jury was like, I'm just going to go not guilty. So at least one of us could, we have a clear conscience that none of us really wanted to do this.

So we go in and it's 358. And they're telling us, if we don't get in there right now, we're coming back tomorrow. None of us want to come back tomorrow. So we go in and you know, we say unanimously, he's guilty. And these people are, you know, celebrating and shit, but they had no idea how close it really was so now this crazy guy is homeless today Right, so I go outside I get my paperwork all side and I go outside and here he is on the ground arrested

Knees in his back arms behind his back and he's screaming and I go off to a cop and I go what what are you guys doing? This this was the guy I just walked out of his case like this to you guys Yeah, man, he took his skateboard the guy that that ratted him out He took a skateboard he went over and he fucking trashed his car like he just started beating it in the park And I busted the headlight out everything, but guess what? He went to jail and had a place to sleep Oh, it's right. It's smart as dude. Yeah, the proof of his had food He's like if you go make me homeless I promise him a fight and he fuck that dude's car up

It was all trash in a park. He had one of those long skateboard. He just started beating the guy's car He knew it. He back that shit He's just shit in a park a lot. They tackled a bit of it. Oh, holy shit fresh out of fucking a guilty Like the second later. Yeah. Oh my god. Just sudden mood of truth. I threw a subpoena in the trash.

A subpoena? Yeah, I'm not doing that. Why? Just didn't want to go. Did they ever fucking find you? No, because it was like from another state. There's an open file somewhere out there on your... Do not say where to fuck that sage.

10 ways yet. Get a note from a specialist. Post-posed... I post-posed, but you don't get out of it. You still got to do it. You re-schedules. Tell them you're a full-time student, cry hardship, date someone in prison. Really?

Scroll. Say, I don't believe in draconian drug laws. I don't trust policemen. I deal with these kinds of people all the time. That one actually number eight might be the one. I deal with these kinds of people. I actually, we don't want this guy here. I remember being like, I wonder how this gonna go.

And the judge, when we were a huge pool at that thing said, doesn't matter if you work and it doesn't matter if you harbor prejudices against other people, you're still eligible to be a juror. And I was looking around like, there goes that goes right. I thought the same thing and our judge said the same shit. He said, look, if you are racist toward Latinos,

if you're what do you call it against the police, if you're, what do you call it, against the police, if you're whatever, that's fine. And he said, you know, and so the guy said, well, do we get out of Jory duty? He said, no, no, no, you go back to the main floor and they'll put you into a system and get you on a case where there isn't that. Oh, you know what I mean?

Like, you're always gonna have police in the law, but it will be a lady, a white lady that might have been the shoplifting or something like that. Oh, you know what I mean? Like you're always gonna have police in the law. Yeah, but it will be a lady, a white lady that might have been Yeah, the shoplifting or something like that. You know what I mean? So you're not getting out of it. No, you just set a bunch of racist shit in a court of law Yeah, yeah, and then they're like you know, you're still good. Yeah, no, we're gonna keep you We're gonna keep everybody knows about you now though, but go down the floor one, but okay Hey, we're sending a racist guy down a Got a striped shirt on is coming down right now

Racers is sure everything's on record, dude. That's it. It's tight. It's recorded Now here's the shit you said back in January about my t-dos right here You said the dirty specs and the tacos. And you're like, all right. All right. You might like back in your day. My day. In the early sicker days.

I mean, you've definitely been with some hos, right? Because we were talking about how some of the hose you picked up with and like nasty as shit, right? You go like, oh they're like moms now. Like if you're looking back on like 15 years ago your hookups Like that's somebody's mom now. Yeah. You have so Yeah, so my favorite hookup stories, but I don't know if it's cool to say it, but I'll decide. I'll decide after the show's over for cut. Can I bring them up? It depends. Sure.

Okay, so do you remember the one that you told me about? I remember you told me, you know, me. You didn't see that. Oh my God. Is this the one I talked about on YMH last time where the girl wanted to blow me while I took her shit? No. No.

She's a mom. And a teacher. Oh my God. Oh my God. wait, she just dropped that on you. Wait, while you were shitting. No, she was on, I mean, literally on top of me, reverse cow girl and try to stick a dry finger in my ass. We talked about. Right. You're like, whoa, you have nails and like, you know, how about you spit on it and just warm it up. I mean, I'd be a little bit. But maybe even a little like, look back,

a little, some kind of heads up to something about the happen. I just, I saw an arm go up and I was like, what the fuck is this? I was like, whoa! Holy shit. Hey, man, no. Didn't you have one of these? And then shortly after that, like I said,

it might have been this, it might have been post-coitist that we talked about that then. She was like, you know what it turns me on? She's like, you know what I'd really like to do? And I was like, what? You know, like after that, what's next? She's like, dry fucking finger my butthole. And she's like, I think I'd like to give you head

while you go to the bathroom. And I was like, that's, you know what I mean? I'm like, that's impossible. I'm gonna be peeing like, yeah, yeah. She's like, no, and I'm like, you mean, you want to the bathroom. And I was like, that's, you know, me, I'm like, that's impossible. I'm gonna be peeing like, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, you mean you want to suck my dick while I take a shit? And I was like, that's relationship. So it's like, gotta work out. Yeah, it's like, it'll work out.

How is that, how is that enticing? I mean, look, I don't mean to kink shamer. No, there's listen, there is to kink shamer. No, there's listen. There is no kink shamer at all. I mean, I'm as dirty as it gets when I want to be too and freaky as it gets. I think you told me to. A girl that like scared you, right?

Didn't you say there was a girl? Well, the girl we talked about too, that pressed her head on my head. So hard. And the first thing she said to me too, she was a waitress. I met at the grove This is a long time ago and then like She wanted my numbers. I gave my number and she hit me up like a week later. She comes over one night

And the first thing she does is takes this ball grip that's so she hadn't smoked weed in a long time She said she just rips this ball and she rips it so hard That she starts coughing to the point where I'm now laughing, but she's pissed off, because it's not funny to her, and she starts puking, right? She's throwing up from it. And I'm like, oh, this night's over already. You know what I mean?

It's over already, but she rallied and still wanted to have sex, and I was a guy, and I was like, well, brush your teeth, and rinse them out. And she did, and she got on top of me and she pressed her, she was told me she was just coming off this medication she was on and she was getting these zaps, she kept saying like,

oh, there's another one. I was like, oh what? She's like, I'm coming off of my, whatever it was. I don't know, like feel good medicine. Yeah. And it was giving her these zaps throughout the evening. I was like, this chick. And she put her fucking head on my forehead.

And the first thing she said, and she was pressing hard too. And she said, you fuck my pussy now. I'll let you fuck my ass later. I was like, oh my god. And I went to turn my head and I couldn't. And that's when she like, bared out. And I'm telling you, dude, she pressed so hard. I thought my skull was going to cave in.

I didn't enjoy any of it. I was trying to tap out. I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like a mark from how hard I was. What the fuck are you doing? She's like, I'm into that.

I'm like, I can tell you're into it. You host gotta give some people a heads up. That's all I wanna say. There's no kink shame hose, but give somebody a heads up if you're a finger in a dry finger in an asshole or just straight up head button people. It's aggressive,

but I'm in if you can just tell me about it. The two that I was actually remembering, were different, great. One was, was you're like I met this girl She's cool This is the one. She had me be told us this years ago This out here. Yeah Latina girl. You're dating and you go. Yeah, she I wasn't expected it But she blew me on the street She did on the street

That's the same one. OK, here's I'll even lay into it a little more for you, too, because this is, you might, you might remember, this might come back to you, but I drove, I dropped her off at her car. And then she just was like, I was just being a gentleman. Like, she came over to hang out. We didn't even hook up in the house.

Right. And I was like, let me, she parked like a blocker to away. And I was like, let me just drive you to your car. And I did, and when I pulled up, she just like, straight down on it. So I was like, oh, this is a nice girl. I wanna see her again. Yeah.

And I did, and she's like, I wanna eat your ass. And I was like, the same girl, that's the same girl. Is he, you thought these were two different hookups? Yeah. What I to say yeah I was like I don't know about that like I don't know like I had tacos and shit earlier today like I don't know if you should be back there ass eat like we just met but okay and she did and I was like you got to be careful like you're just yeah I was like look I'm telling you I'm warning you now, you gotta be careful. And I absolutely farted and she said, and dug in harder.

And I was like, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. She's straight up. And my friend Jackie knew her.

And Jackie, after that, I told Jackie, I'm like, Jackie, listen to this shit. I told her Jackie would always look at me. She'd see me ram She just go all the time then that was her alone of it She's a mom yeah, that was a mom what that happened. She was a mom when that happened I remember you told me that I was like nah, you're like I Remember you told me that I was like nah, you're like I fucking I do Mmm, they'll get harder. I was like man

This is I don't like where this is I Girls like your your your butt and your and your farts. I don't know about all of them But those two shores fuck sure. I mean blow you while you shit is why that's just it's too much It's too much. I gave it a go. No, fuck no. You asked me, you want me to say yes, but I probably should have for the story, but I don't think I could.

I don't think, I don't know if I could get my dick hard while I'm shitting. I could be wrong. I don't know. We'll see. I'll try it at home by myself one time and see what happens. Well, when we talked about this,

about the fact that we had hooked up with girls and we were like, they were so nasty, and probably moms now. And then we put a call out to super-hor moms. And they went through the emails, a bunch of them, and they said, this one trumps all the other emails. This is the top email. This is the top email. This is the top email.

It says, I am a retired super-hor mom. I love sex. I was wild in my 20s. I had numerous one-night stands or flings. I have had three sums, two females, one male, two males and me, more than once, and yes, with different guys. I have had four sums, two females, two males,

three males and me. I've been to wife-swapping parties and took part. Fucked while people watched. I've been tied up to a St. Andrews Cross and played with by numerous people. I was blindfolded and guarded. So I agreed to limits were adhered to by a dungeon master. The same night I was fisted whilst giving a blotcha.

Yeah, with a teo, me. Yeah, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. While giving a blowjob and then it all caps amazing Then went home with the dungeon master and a fuck buddy and had the most amazing night ever All this happens under the secret horror rules and BDSM swinging mantras of safe sane and consensual Protection 100% but since I became a mum that Is that all sex? I mean, safe, sane and consensual. I think so. I think when you're like,

when you're like, all systems go like these people though, it's like the big. I want to know what makes her say, nah. I know, right? Since I became a mom and a wife, the other play partners have drifted away as life gets real, real life gets in the way and I wouldn't change that for all the cocks in the world.

This is true. I know. But my love of sex and cock hasn't changed. I still get what I need from the dungeon master I married. His cock is more than enough to make me feel like a whore in my early forties. We women love sex as much as the next guy. Love the show. We often flash our chests at each other and yell secret time. Much love the Ireland. Wow, the Ireland. Geez. And that secret time is obviously a nod to birds. You of course. Special. So 100% yeah. 100%. I am lots of cocks in her life. I don't know if I could. That's a lot to live up to. I know, you know. Yeah, cause I don't, you don't judge someone's past really, but if they're like, if you were dating her and you like her

and she was like, I just get fucked by like four guys in a night. I'm like, you know what? I'm out of here. Yeah. I don't care, if it's the one on one stuff, I don't care. Any of it, I don't care. I'm into it, whatever you want.

You're driving, you're been there, she's like, actually, blue guy will get in fisted. It was amazing. I'm like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, it doesn't, I had to get a condom out of a girl one time and that was just embarrassing. And for both of us, yeah. How far up did your hand go? I had to go up there, man. I had to go, I'd say I probably got in here.

Wow, like in here. What in fisted, but I'd say I was here. I was going my two longest fingers, which are these two here. I was trying to get it. I could feel it. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. She just covered her face the whole time?

Yeah, you're like a doctor at that point. Do you think you could get it? Like this is your post. No, you'd probably know about anger or something that I don't know about or something. I could get some chopsticks, maybe get this motherfucker. It was up there. Dude, I just had a flashback to another girl.

The one that stayed that one time Remember I was that's is the one I thought you were gonna bring up because this is the one that got me in trouble Because I joked about her with Christina and she stole my email pales. Yeah, that was wild So I met her at that show we did God, what was it called pepper bellies? That sounds right right and remember it was like a club After the stand- show. So the next night we got on like our feet were sticking to the floor like fly paper because then people spill and drink. Like you guys want to clean this or no? Just dropping it all over the floor.

Yes. And I met her there and then she took a fucking greyhound to come see me from like North County. Maybe it was a It was a couple of hours away. And stayed for like the night and we didn't have sex. She did do some other things, but we didn't have sex. And then she left. And she was telling me a story about, she had just recently found out her dad had like a double life, like this whole other family and another area,

which I've so, seems to be popular now that I've been podcasting and he's talking about this shit, but he had a whole other family. So I'm telling Christina in an email about it. And she was like, cause I just started seeing somebody else, I think not long after that.

And I said, well, this girl, at least this girl knows who her dad is and how many families he has. Yeah. And then the girl who stayed and stole my email and told me that story chimed in. And I was like, how the fuck? Oh, shit. So she saw what I wrote to Christina. Wow. Yeah. What I remember also is that you had told this always stood out to me as like one of the weirdest red flags, but I've encountered it before. Red flag. No, when you go like, like, what's your dad do or something? And somebody goes like, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know what do you mean? Like, do you know him? Yeah. What's he do? I don't

know. Not really my biggest. He's gone all week. At this job and comes home on the weekends, like, wow. Yeah, it's such a strange thing, right? Like, what does he do for a living? I'm not really sure. But you know your dad? And like, yeah.

You don't know what he does. Does he work for the FBI or something? Yeah, is that like a construction? Like, why? Huh? That's it. Okay. Yeah. Does he work for the FBI or is it like a construction like why huh? Okay, yeah, I've had a lot of Freaks yeah, mm-hmm better now moms that are now moms. Yeah, some are more moms when I had when I was with them Yeah, and now their moms if they're not I mean almost all of me. Yeah good for you, man If they're not I'm in almost all of me. Yeah good for you man

Have you had sex with anyone that's passed that's died that you know of I have I just recently in the last couple years some girl And I had back when I was in my 20s died you guys actually when she was dead. Yeah, Tom. Yeah Oh, well, I was fucking her with you as long as you died during it, bro. Just a mod to fit. Oh, no. You know what I mean? Get older now. Of course. Somebody I was inside of is now perished. How'd they die?

I cancer, I think it was cancer. Damn. That is wild. It's going to start happening so much more now. Hearing about people getting sick and dying, it's just going to happen. Yeah, because you're in your 60s, man. Hey, he's sliced. 36, man.

Are you 46? Seven. 47. Birthdays in March. Yeah. Yeah. Bart turns 48. Next week, I think.

He's older, I mean, just a little bit. Yeah. I didn't think Bart was. Yeah. 100% older. He's older than me, just a little bit. Yeah. I didn't think Bart was. Yeah. The 100% older. He's a 100% older. But it looks good, takes care of himself, and that's just gonna live forever.

Now, what's the, yeah, cool aid and everything else. I mean, he will defy all of it. For sure. He should be dead already. He's already defying everything. Yeah. Great.

What's the nastiest, freakyest chick you've ever hooked up with? Hmm. Try to think. What's the nastiest freakiest chick you've ever hooked up with? Hmm. Trying to think. I mean, I know you had like, unprotected sex with a girl, told you she had AIDS and all that stuff. Yeah, that was pretty bad. I mean.

Ah, shit. She yelled at me for not coming inside her. You had that happen? I've had girls get mad about it. Yeah, like it's time I pulled out. And she was like, what are you doing? I was like, what? I wanted that inside.

And you're like, oh, I was thinking about not wanting risk factor to raise. I was respecting you, not wanting that. They're like, not always a child. Yeah, so she made me go again to do that. Damn. And you did that? Yeah, and then again.

I would, I would never. Now I did. And then a few times actually. I was like, how about the other holes you went in there too? She's like, yeah, of course. Wow, why do you ask? Yeah, she was pretty nasty. I think, I mean, definitely nobody ate my ass and then I farted in their mouth.

And then the heart was pushing where their tongue and then it was buried at any even heart. I was like, oh man, this is, yeah, I'm definitely not kissing you after this. I mean, trying to think of the, I told you about the, the girls that told me later that they wanted to hook up with me as a threesome. Remember? And she was like, we were gonna hook up with you that night. I was like, how'd you ruin it? How did I ruin it?

I ruined a few of these. I remember that I think they did one of them had called me and I just, I don't know, probably didn't respond the way she wanted to or something. God, I don't ever wanna hear that. I know. And then she goes, this is like months later, she goes, do you know that we like, we had planned our whole night

to like have a threesome with you? And I was like, why are you telling me this? She was like, isn't that crazy? Like tell me that I was like, yeah. I'm 20, I don't know, man. Three or something, 22. I'm pretty young, man. And I was like yeah, I'm 20, I don't know man, three or something, 22, I'm pretty young man, and I was like what, I'm not even prepared for the information honestly. She goes do you know what the craziest thing is?

We ended up having a threesome that night with Woody Harrelson. He's married. He's married. He's married. Maybe not that weak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They hooked up.

I was like, cool. They let me know though. Have I told you that Woody Harrelson story? About smoking weed with him and the homeless guy. Mm-hmm. So this. You did? Yeah. So when I first moved here, a roommate I had gotten that movie Ed TV.

If you remember Ed TV, it was Matthew McConaughey being followed around. It was early days of reality TV. He was being followed by a crew of cameraman and Woody Harrelson played his brother. And my roommate was the cameraman in the movie. This is it. And they were having rap parties at the end of it and stuff and and he knew I smoked weed and he was like, yeah, it's 99 he goes listen, we're Barney's

Beenery right now. Roll a couple joints and come over what he wants to smoke and I was like fuck yeah, I drove that little Honda Civic with the original rims over the hill to Barney's beenery and Then Woody comes out with just the two of us comes out the smoke with us and we're standing out there We're smoking and this homeless guy walks up. I've never told you this and he goes on Woody house Give me $20 and Woody starts laughing. He goes all right I'll tell you what I'll give you $20 If you can name three movies I've been in, and he's like, okay, okay. And I'm like, oh shit, I wonder if this thing's gonna do this. And what he's like, all right, go ahead, he goes.

Money train, he goes, that's one, he goes. White man can't jump, he goes, that's two. And he goes, cowboy way. And what he goes, how the fuck do you know, cowboy way, he goes, slept underneath that billboard on sunset. Oh, dude, I almost pissed myself up a booty game of $20 You guys have a fuck to do that. No one knows cowboy way. He's like I slept underneath that billboard on

sunset They got him $20 Keep for someone in 20 arrows inson, the cowboy way, there it is. Hilarious. Nobody seen that movie. I saw a full charge and I saw what's his name in a fight on the street. Remember that? What?

What is radio? What's his name? Oh, yeah. From Jerry McGuire. Yeah, I'm on, man. Cuba, good to know you. Cuba, good to know you. Yeah, we were walking to the seller one night.

And this dude was out on the street, like breaking up fights. Oh, breaking a mob. Yeah, yeah. So like this dude was like two guys were scrapping. I guess walking down, I guess what it was at lower east side. Walking down the street,

and you know when you start to see something like that scuffle two blocks away, you're like, oh, there's some shiggy, you just keep walking, you're a safe distance, you're kind of observing it, and we keep walking closer. And then this dude's like, no man, and then shove it in the other guys,

like really swinging, breaking them up, pushing back. And as we get closer, we're like, that's radio. That's good radio. Yeah, you fuck outta get close, we're like, that's radio. That's good radio. Yeah. You fuck outta here, radio. You're radio. Fuck you, radio. And he got in trouble, right?

Didn't he get in some shit now? He's canceled or something. No, he was in charge of this. New charges. Yeah. OJ is gonna be clowning him in a minute. Oh, cool. Come on, radio.

Damn. What's this say? Has been filed, grouped with women's breasts, actor has been dieted and connected with the second incident that did not elaborate. Yeah. Where he touched her other.

Oh, that's last year. That's from last year, man. Going back to this shit, I had Kate Kennedy on the Honey Dude recently. Yeah. You had on YM age and she was telling me about her sex cupades and porn.

No, she's had some sex cupades. She's been water-borted for a porn scene. I go, what? Water-borted. And she's like, I had a hotachi on my pussy and I'm like, and you came from that, she's like, so hard. I was like, tied and hung upside down for seven minutes.

No one had been longer than I think three and a half. She said, she's like, I started as an assistant for this dominatrix cup or a BDSM cup. And the woman, the wife was the camera woman. And the husband would dominate these girls and they would go out in the woods. And she's like, you know, we'd bury girls up to their neck and something like what?

Like this is what people get. And she goes and then the school bus would come home at three o'clock. So from three to three 30, we had to be quiet. While kids were getting off the bus because we couldn't be screaming sexually in the woods. I was like, this is fucking these people, right? Yeah, yeah, this mom.

Now she had some stories. I remember, she told us some wild stories. Cause I think she said that her whole thing was, she enjoyed it like, you know, recreationally for a while. And then she was like, did it person teaching, seminar, teaching, yeah, teaching. And then stepped it up. There's like, recreationally for a while. Yeah, and then she was like, did it personally. Teaching, seminoir, teaching, yeah. Teaching it. And then stepped it up.

There's like a safe way to a choker. I had a guy on the Patreon show. The honey duo, he all tell me that he was, he's recently divorced and he's out there dating now and he went out on a date with this girl and she was like, choked me and he's like Ryan, I choked her. He goes, I am choking her so hard. I know what you're going to say. He's like, I thought she was going to pass out and she grabbed his hand and said, choked me he goes I am choking. You're so hard. I know what you're gonna say He's like I thought she was gonna pass out and she grabbed his hand. It said choke me like a man. You pussy

Choked me like a fucking man Have you had that you're yeah, I've had that you've had that choking. Yeah, but like choke like don't be a bitch Yeah, like where I that you've had that token. Yeah, but like choke like don't be a bitch. Yeah, really choke me Like where I really think I'm gonna fucking crush your esophagus and they're like you're you're you're a fucking bit I feel like it's weird to do it to someone I like you know mm-hmm like I could I could see doing it to Somewhat you you just like you motherfucker. Yeah, shit out of you, you fucking bitch. And like really, you know, that's exciting. I had a girl that one time, this was in my 20s, wanted me to choke her out.

And I was just scared because I was like, what if I kill you? You know, what if I accidentally kill you? It doesn't matter that you wanted this. My fingerprints are all over your fucking neck. You know what I mean? Like you ain't gonna be able to be like, no, I wanted this.

I'm gonna, I'm going to prison for murder. He read a note first or something. Or Vic, and there wasn't a video, but then. So she kept telling me to do it and then she did. She passed out a little bit from it. I fucking shook her scared and she came back like that and I was like, bitch, you can hold your breath from now on. Like I'm not going to wear near your fucking.

That's how we're gonna get around this loophole. Yeah. Hold your fucking breath. I worked at this office in my 20s where the main guy had a really cute secretary. And this other dope that I worked with was hooking up with her. I was like, you're hooking up with her? It's crazy, man. He's like, yeah, and then like a week or two goes by and I was like, how's it going? He was like, man,

it's really like, we're young, we're 21. He's like, I never had somebody really want me to hit them like that. And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, I mean, really wants me to hit her. And I go, like, what like, you're smacking her around he goes it wasn't enough she wanted to get fucking decked you know so I go well how he's like I don't like it he's like but you know she made me like really punch her so and then he goes that she's all bruised up putting on like extra makeup but she loves it I was like okay yeah drive him right to the police station, be like, look at this motherfucker. Like a bitch?

Yeah. So he said he was gonna keep fucking her while she healed. And then, yeah, you gotta take care of her. And then you wanna be a bitch. And then he's gonna be done. Yeah. That happened to a friend of mine.

He went to, he played baseball at University of Maryland. And there was a girl, groupie, that just like the fuck all the guys on the team and there was a girl groupie that just like the fuck all the guys on the team and it was his turn and they were like just be careful man she's a wow and he's like what do you mean they're like you'll see she's a wow one and he got with her and that night there he said they were in his room and it was pitch black dark and She's like I want you to punch me and this is what she says to him when my boyfriend fucks me He beats me and I love it. He's like yeah, I'm not gonna do that. She's like now you're gonna punch me in the fucking face

And he's like I'm not I'm definitely not gonna punch you in the face and she's like you will and he's like I'm not like I'm getting uncomfortable like I really don't want to do that He said I'm not like your boyfriend's like, I'm not like, I'm getting uncomfortable like I really don't wanna do that. He said it. I'm not like your boyfriend. Yeah, I'm not like your boyfriend, the guy that you love. And he said it's pitch black and he said out of nowhere. He just feels this fuck. He realized what it was like.

Or she was on the bottom and she threw up, uppercut underneath his, he said she connected on his shit. He said his teeth shut like clap the gun. He said he saw Char. He didn't know what the fuck was going on. And he said he turned her over. And he goes and I just fucked her in the ass and she loved it.

Like that was his like I'll punch you into face back. But he said his, he was bleeding like his lip and gums were bleeding. A prick. And he's like what the fuck did he do? And she was laying on the bottom. I was bleeding like his lip and gums were bleeding. Up her head. He's like, what the fuck did he do? And she was laying on the bottom. She's like, you're gonna punch me. And she just brought the fuck a wood, bro.

I'm gonna clap this deep. He's like, if you're naked, you're vulnerable. It's pitch black. And you trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Totally disorienting. That, by the way, that could end in a minute easily. Eat like a OJ murder. Like, I don't know what happened.

I felt hit and I just snapped. I'll never forget that. He punched her and then he's like, you had anal sex with me last night. She said, he's like, you punched me in my fucking face. Like, look at my teeth and my mouth. Look at my lip. Look, look at me.

That's my boyfriend. Yeah, that's my. That's my boyfriend. my mouth look at my lip look look at me My god, yeah my boyfriend doesn't do it like that when I give my Jesus Christ man That's super intense. I'm trying to think of I mean I've had some wild strip club experiences. I showed up at a I went to strip club when I was 14 and the 15 good lord and they took me in the back Who who to help took you at 4 staff? Who'd who'd you know that would let you in at 14? I just acted like I was older,

and they were like, yeah, yeah, you seem like you're older. You seem like you're older. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's so young. I know, and I was like, I'm thinking about throwing a party here, and they're like, well, come here, come here. And they took me in the back, and like,

it was the dressing room, so all the strippers were walking around. It's the unsexyest thing. Yeah, it's good. So I thought I was like, I was gonna be awesome. It would be like, stingering each other and stuff, and they were just like, smoking and like, eating Doritos, complaining aboutxy thing. Yeah, so I thought I was like I was gonna be awesome Way to be like stinger in each other and stuff and they're just like smoking Eating Doritos complaining about their rent. Yeah, yeah, it sucks my landlord's an aunt long. Yeah

I Went to this party one time a friend of mine was getting married. You met him. You met Eric. Yeah, that's all say and He was having this party and I was working at the time. I worked at the late shift at UPS, shout out the UPS Baltimore Hub primary one, Joe Avenue and I didn't get off until like two or two thirty. So they were doing a part one, a private little thing at the house, then they were all going downtown to like the block and everything and then they were coming back at two for round two of this thing. So I'm gonna meet them for round, well really round three. Cause so I get back, I get to the place

and everyone's catching me up. This is the dominatrix that had been here earlier. We went downtown, we called her to come back again. And so she does, she comes back. And what time is this right now? It's probably like two, 33 o'clock in the morning. That's fucking late, man. It's late. And she comes back. And what time is this right now? It's probably like 2.30, 3 o'clock in the morning. That's fucking late, man. It's late.

And she's there. And I walk into a performance that's already happening. That's crucial to what I'm about to see. Yeah. I walk into this woman by herself. There's no bodyguard. There's no nothing. This woman is by herself in a home.

And I mean, obviously we're all good dudes, but that's crazy to me to think that you would go into strangers, 10 guys, you'd be easily overpowered, whatever. And she's on the floor and she's got her legs all spread and shit and she's not attractive at all. And I'm hello and everybody when I go, what's going, you know, this is how I'm like, this is what's going on over here. And like, so they pulled me aside, like you should have seen this shit earlier. His dad put a strap on on and fucked that girl in front of everybody, but in like his clothes,

his dad fucked her in front of everybody in his clothes. And I'm like, what? And they're like, yeah, and this bitch is nasty. And everything else, he looks nasty. Hey, dad, come on, man. Come on, dad. Come on man. Come on dad. Come on. And as we're talking,

Jesus. Tom, as we're talking, I just look over and something starts coming out of her fucking pussy and it looks like, it looks like intestines. It looks like the lining and I'm freaking out. Like I'm like, what is, oh my God, what is that? And what I didn't know, because I had walked in pre, or excuse me, mid performance, as that she had shoved a killbasa up her pussy.

And she's now, she just shot it out in a somebody's face. Like they would get on their hands and knees in front of her pussy right here. And then all of a sudden, this thing's hitting them in the face. But I'm thinking it's like her pussy falling out because I didn't see her pull the shit in. And it looks like you're dying right now. Yeah. You're uterus is falling out.

It looks like the flesh coming out. I am losing my mind. Like it turned me off and it just turned me completely disgusted with the whole thing and they're like, no you idiot, that's a kill boss. I'm like, oh I'm the idiot. I'm shit, I'm the idiot. It's a fucking sausage.

It's a sausage up her pussy. You missed it. She did it like two minutes before you got here. Where are you dummy? So then she starts going around the party and she's like we're all sitting on like a couch or whatever and she's just going around to each guy and she's putting her, it's the ugliest pussy

I've ever seen in my life. And she's just putting it all in everybody's face and she gets up on me and she just, she's, I go, you know what, you can pass. This is fine, you know, and she's like, oh, what do you gay? And I just start, I go, yeah. That's it.

Yeah, I'm gay. I'm gay, I'm gay. Get that fucking shit over. 100%. 100% gay. Yeah. Get that fucker shit over 100% Hotter for that guy. Yeah Get that shit out. Keep that pussy moving. Dude when I was I remember when I was 15 in the strip club The first time when I was 14 I was in South America But when I was 15 and I walked into that club with a group of guys and They walked into the back then like some of the strippers came out and this old ass stripper, like in retrospect, she's probably,

I don't know, maybe in her 40s, late 40s, I mean, but I'm like 15. Yeah. She squats over my face and she goes, lick it. Oh. And I was like, nah.

Now, it's probably good for her that a 15 year old didn't lick her right? I was like nah. I was like, come on. And I was like, no, she goes, why do we even fucking lick her right? I was like nah, I'll spit on. I'll spit on. Come on. And I was like no, she goes why do we even fucking clean this thing? Right?

And she pointed her, like why don't you even clean this thing? And I was like oh no, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe just regular hygiene. I don't want to lick it. I don't want to lick it. I'm too young, I'm a sophomore in high school.

Lick it. Yeah, fuck that. And she's like right, you're squatting over me. And I'm like I had a girl on time at night shift in Baltimore So night shift was a fully nude strip club So the way it worked in in Baltimore was well it like here if if they serve alcohol It's topless only right fully nude is no alcohol. Yeah, that's a California thing too.

It was there. Florida, Dunfuckera. Whatever the fuck they want to do. You could bring in this New Orleans. It tells, booze, needles,

and they're fully naked. So what this joint did was they would charge you a $20 fee to get in, but you could bring your own beer. That was the loophole they figured out. So you could bring a case of beer for you and your buddies. They would keep a cold and serve you and you tip the, you know, the waitress. The workaround there. Yeah, that's it.

But you pay to cover charge to get in. Sure. And that way they got their guarantee money. And this chick comes up and like, let's say it's you and I were sitting here side by side. I'm on the left, you're on the right. And she, she sits in front of us facing us, and then she turns around. So now her legs are like this, and her backs right here, front of us, and her long hair is right here.

And she rolls her legs over her head, and she hooks her left leg on my left shoulder, and her right leg on your right shoulder. And we're just, my buddy, we both have baseball hats on. I don't know what's about to happen and she Claps our heads together like fucking coconuts dude. I I saw stars

I was bringing and then she just starts slamming her pussy in our faces like violently beat against it I'm just I'm still shell shot from the fucking coconut. Yeah. I'm like, what's that? Bam, bam, sit, be bam, my hat. Why it all happened to me? You fucking, bam. I'm like, what's the light? Get her off me. She's like, that's what I like. I fuck people out.

They punch me back. She fuck it. And then I just look over my friend, because it was like a, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And then she was done. She controlled all, like, we had no say in what happened. It was just like being fucked up and then looking around you know you ever get knocked under the ocean by a wave so yeah come up you know like what the fuck's going on that's where's up where's down is that a pussy and I look at him and I

go dude your face is wet and glistening and he goes yours too and I I was like, oh God, and we went in the bathroom to scrub the face. Scrub, and we left, I left, I was like, God. Oh, so sick, dude, so sick. Yeah, these girls, this was a strip club in Melbourne, Florida, which is not the primo area you wanna go to for a strip club. You wanna go down South Florida for Tampa,

or something, you know. Yeah, Tampa sounds. Tampa's where it's at Miami, I mean, and a lot of the other like just going to beach. I mean, they're those strip clubs stay open till like six. I mean, I guess 24 out, but people are going in and out of it five and six in the morning. You know, you'd go there and come out with the sunrise. I had another one where My buddy was getting married and we went to Vegas and That we I don't go I don't do VIP rooms and shit like that like I'll throw you a couple bucks Listen to you tell me about how you're a forensics major at UCLA and then I'm out of there

You know, yeah, yeah, whatever. I haven't been to one and God. It's been years We should we should go to I haven't been one in years. Yeah, it's been a long time I've been to one with for a bachelor party like more than 10 years ago. Yeah, that's that's what I'm saying. I go for this bachelor party and he's like we're VIP and it we're doing it. I'm like that's fine. You know what you're getting married. We'll go through. Yeah, you know, it's like 10 of us. Yeah. So you know me I get in there and I see this just gorgeous black girl on. I'm like this is the girl I want to hang with me back here all night. So, and she's super cool. Smells so good. So soft. A little tiny black girl with, you know,

just curves. Do you ever, the comedy lady that knew that you liked, you took on a road man. Oh God, you should edit that. We have to leave that. Oh yeah, I remember her. But this girl had those, I mean those big heels on. You know, the long, crazy glass ones or the see through ones, whatever. And she and I are just, you know, stripper hitting it all. You know, we were having a good time laughing, talking, whatever hanging out.

And then she starts dancing for him. And I'm gonna chair it, it's not that much different than this and she gets up on it. Like she puts her heels right here on the sides of the chair and she has her, you know, pussy's great in my face. And she slips, the heel slips off the thing and it cuts, it gouges down my side. Okay, I'm in a VIP room that's pitch black, dark.

There's probably 20, 25 other men doing whatever they're doing. You can't really see, they're not far, but you can't really make it out. And I just go, oh, like ice-squeen. I'm like, oh my god. And this bouncer comes running in and she's already like, I'm sorry, I'm like, oh my god. And this bouncer comes running in and she's already like, I'm sorry. I'm oh my god. Oh my god.

I am bleeding like through my shirt. I'm like, oh my god. And I lifted up and the guys like, what happened? I'm like, her fucking thing. And they're like, what come get out of here? Get out of here. You're just rusting everything. I'm like, I'm just and they get they refund me all my money.

Like she's super apology. They give me my cash. But all of them, and they just hustle refund me all my money like she's super apology they give me my cash but all and they just hustle me out of there and I am just bleeding through my shirt. Yes, just sliced it right down with those fucking heels dude slipped slipped off that chair I went to a bachelor party where it was the like the triple eight ball, you know, it was What the triple a triple a or single A like it was Oh, you know baseball Yeah, yeah, yeah, single A is single A and they're still driving to the game

I mean there's there's some dogs in this pound and And so we found the gnarliest one and we were like let's get her for the bachelor, you know, because he was like He had pointed out like look how gross you were like, let's get her for the bachelor, you know? Cause he was like, he had pointed out, like, look how gross you are. So we're like, we just gave her $400. We just gave her $400. We were under. And she had an arm.

She was gonna sit through this shit. And that, so another one I went to a bachelor party which had like hotter girls, whenever you go out and with a group of guys, that's when the management is like, oh, there's some money here, you know? These guys are gonna spend money. So the guy pulls me aside and he's like, ah, you know, we a group of guys. That's when the management is like, oh, there's some money here, you know, these guys are going to spend money. So the guy pulls me aside and he's like, ah, you know, we'll set this up, you guys have this area and blah, blah, I'm

looking around and like, there's, there's, it's hot girls and he's like, yeah, you know, whoever will send him over there, I go, hey, what's up with that one girl? She had a cast on her arm. He's like, I guess she does. And I go, what's the, what's the cast? I mean, she's dancing with like, like big ass cast. Look like she was in a car accident. He's like, I guess she does. And I go, what's the, what's the cast? I mean, she's dancing with like, like big ass cast. Look like she was in a car accident. He's like, we'll give you a discount. Those guys don't give a fat off. Yeah. It's just what I was a cast. He's like, 20, I was 10 bucks. Just got a cast. I had, um, when I first moved into the neighborhood I lived in in North Hollywood. Like I've said before, the building next to me, the first night there, the police came

over and just let us know there was a gang that would frequent the building. There was a body chalked on the street, that's the first night I'm there. And I jog and all the Mexican dudes would tell me, you're the only white boy in the neighborhood and shit like that. And I was like, there was a strip club right at the end of my street. And I was like a friend of mine. And I was like, do you want to go there and check it out? And he's like, I do.

I really do. I'm like, all right, we'll go. I still had a Maryland license, drivers license. And we go in and the balancer was like, I'm not really supposed to take out a state. I was like, after I looked around, I was like, I'm good with that. I can leave. And he's like, I'm good with that. I can leave. And he's like, I'll let you in. So we go in and we sit down at the bar.

And you know, it's sort of like cheetahs. It's got that long runway. You know those beaded curtains I throw open and they got a long runway and they can walk down and all this shit. This fucking chick throws the curtains open. Okay, and she's fat. she is a fat, chunky lady. And she is in the doorway with sitting on her butt,

but she's holding her own legs by the ankles up here, okay? Okay. And she walks the runway with her ass, using her legs like runway with her ass, using her legs like poles with her ass, comes all the way down like this and everyone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're going crazy.

And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? It's so gross. And they are eating it up, eating it up. And she comes down, she gets right in front of me and she smiles her titties are all there and everything. And then she does a 360 like Around me smiles again, I was like I'm fucking out. I got out of here. I got out of won't go any different I realize that the best best is your your former, you know colleague

Yeah, that from that's from going to a Look at this, I got something. That's from going to a strip club of sorts. Well, it was a massage parlor. He probably should be his name too. Okay. In case he did. But he did. He went to a massage parlor, which was...

But didn't you go down South? He went to like, Torrance or something. Oh, I thought he went to South of the border. No, I took him South of the border. He would go wherever. I mean, I took him South of the border. He would go wherever. I mean, I took him to a strip club down there, but he got it from a place here in Tarns where he went and a friend of mine took him and kept telling him,

like, you wouldn't believe how beautiful the women are at these massage parlors and they're stunners. And if you saw him in a bar, you'd break your neck to look at him again. You'd be surprised how many women are working in the sixth. I want to go. So every Sunday, this is back when sopranos were on. He would come over and then and my roommate would go get showered and I'm telling you

like he was going like first day at school or just like excited to be there. And then I would already have my buddy high and he'd be like, let's just go another time. And he would get pissed. So this one particular time, same thing. He goes and gets showered, he's all excited. They're going to the massage parlors tonight. He's gonna get laid. And same thing, we smoke a little weed.

And then he flexed on the guy's like, you know, you do this every time you come over You get me all excited to go and then I go he's like, all right, fuck it. We'll go. Do you want to go right? I'm like, I don't want any part of it and we stabbed direct TV so we would get the East Coast sopranos feet So we'd get it at six, which is why he came over early and I was like, I'll wait till nine you guys go do the thing I got shit. I'll do and they call me on the way back to coming back. He's like it was great the girls are so beautiful and just amazing and Everything he said I'm like yeah, it's sex. I can't I'm a Jew or a conum. Yep

And the next morning It was a Monday cuz brands were all Sundays when we didn't have it work that day. That's probably why they went. And I'm sitting in the living room and he just throws his bedroom door open. He is sweaty. He is disheveled looking. He clearly has a fever. Like his doesn't look good. And he's like, hey, I think I got something.

I'm like, what do you mean? What do you mean? Like cold? I think it usually happens. Science'm like, what do you mean? What do you mean? Like cold? I think it usually happens. Yes, science infection. Can I show you? I don't want to see your dick or anything. It's kind of not on my dick.

I'm like, I don't know. I was like, I don't think it happens that fast. This isn't even 24 hours. You sure you work on them? I definitely did. And then he pulls up his shorts. And he shows me the inside of his where his growing is. And it looks like chicken pox. It's like these red. I was like, dude, she had obviously an outbreak.

Yeah. And not only you, every guy she fuck that day is going to get this now. Like, oh man, I'm really disappointed in my son. I go well, you just bought general herpes. Yeah. It's not a good decision. You should be because he went that day, right? To the, yeah, I sent him to my doctor and he's like, I got it. I got to take medication now for the rest of my life. I'm like, that's what happens. Like you went and you fucked a sex worker who wasn't clean and now you have that. I guess I'm a sex tourist. Ha ha.

Ha ha. Ha ha. You remember that? He was so depressed. He was so depressed. I remember his depression. His depression was bad. And then one day he started taking like,

I don't know what it was, Zola after whatever. Something. I'll never forget the light. He had a couple suicide attempts during that time. Scares, I should say. Yeah, scares, he was very, very depressed for quite a while. It was wearing on me and I'm sure you, what me telling you about it.

And then I was like, you gotta do something, bro. You gotta go get on some kind of medication. Like, and I swear it was like two days later, he came home, he's like, you know, I go, you want got a haircut, he goes, yeah. You know, sometimes a good haircut makes you feel nice. I said, I don't know what fucking medicine you're on, but you should be a God damn spokesperson for that,

because it's been two days. You're gonna kill yourself the other day now haircuts are fine. You feel wonderful That was the advice you'd always give you advice you'd hear in common shit. Yeah, like hallmark cards You know like My mom just died. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah with him. Yeah, yeah, but you would see him. You'd be like, I got my shit under control. I got my shit under control. Yeah, I got this guy. Is that a bad fruit this week? You know what, you live with somebody like, I have water yesterday. Too leader's a Pepsi Max Max. A dinner was we lived near the mall

so he'd walk over and get the six pack of cinnabons. And I mean the big ones. Yeah. And he would eat, if you picture him in a box, his top three were bottom three, he'd eat one, two, three, four, and he'd eat the middle out of five. And he'd drink an entire two liter of Pepsi Max,

and that was dinner. But then he'd, I got diet beans. I can't believe I got diet beans. And then he'd wake up in the morning, and for breakfast, he'd have the rest of five and all of six and start another Pepsi.

Oh, I spaced it out, you know what I mean? I mean, I got diabetes, I don't understand. I'm like, you have an insulin pump that's attached to your body that administers insulin on a timely and a timed based manner. And you're eating like that. But I can because I have this. I'm like, no.

That's not how it works. That's not how it works. Just like, Dr. Stephanie, definitely. You should go to cinnabon. Like now? Yeah. You can eat all the cinnabon.

You're not to the doctor. That's not a diabetic. Why the medical community developed this stuff? This is strictly so you can eat cinnabon. How many grams of sugar, how many grams of sugar are in you can eat cinnabon. How many grams of sugar, how many grams of sugar are in like a large cinnabon? You got to have one of those. Right. It smells amazing. They taste great. That's why they make the minis. So that's in a full size rare. There is no way that's all it is 17 grand. It seems like it would be more than that.

It seems like it'd be a hundred. Yeah, do a large one. Yeah, what does that say? Well, go back up real quick. 16 grams or about four teaspoons of sugar it looks like. It is only. That's a lot of thought. Yeah, but.

Well, they're better than I thought. Wait, leave it there. Three with three. So, he would eat. That's a lot less calories than I thought. Wait, leave it there. Three with there. So he would eat. That's a lot less calories than I thought. Only 150 calories in a fucking large cinnabon. I think they're lying. I don't think that's a cinnamon bun.

I don't think that's cinnabon. Ah, that's right. He is right. You're putting cinnamon roll. Go to cinnabon, bon, C-I- yeah, there you go. You had it on your drop down there cinnabon yeah that classic roll the classics let me get a dozen classic I'm a total of a dozen classic this one time Tom and I went to finish up a cut man that we did a PSA and there's the classic roll right there 800 yeah that looks more like 58 grams of sugar.

That's so much. What's 58 times six? What is that? Like 350? Yeah, 3.58. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, but what about colorically? It's 880. Time sets like almost 5 over 5,000 count Three days worth of food He's had in 12 hours Pump on I got I got to work out later He's oh wait and then you, look up Pepsi Max nutritional info. Because that's gotta be.

He's doing math in there. Pepsi Max. So it's one time we go shoot this PSA and we were dressed like Harvall and Teddy. Yeah, from the cut man's side you can see. In the day of donut shop. Yep. And I meet Tom there And he's coming to buy donuts for the family. It's letness

Shoot it says no sugar to shoot this and that might be now You know, I mean yeah, they might have But go ahead And he would just wanted a regular glaze donut. You could not think of what they were called. And look at this girl, it goes, give me a dozen of classic. I still, anytime I see the word or hear it,

I say classics. And I looked, that girl looked at me. She didn't even look at you. She looked right at me like, what the fuck is he talking about? And we're dressed in care. I started laughing so hard. I'm like, I think you read glaze. Yeah, glaze.

Let me get a dozen glasses. The classic. The classic. The fuck is a classic? Um, those are the old classics. The classic. The classic. The classic.

That girl looked at me like, the fuck? What's the classic, the classic, the, classic doughnut? You know what I mean. But when you got the most of right here, the classic. All right, so the honey do is you're rocking and rolling. It's hilarious. Thank you. The highlights you post are so funny. I watch them all the time.

Thank you. I watch them all the time. That's all from you guys. I just do what Nadov and everybody here at YMH showed me how to do. No, it's great. And you got the Patreon going. Yeah, the honeydew with you all. Subscribe to my YouTube, watch the honeydew, every Tuesday, full episodes there. Still chronicling Joey Diaz's life story. Unreal. That is gonna be, man, that's gonna be like a HBO series. When it's all done, I wanna press it into like an album or something before. I mean, it's gonna have to be probably

a four-fuck inside an album. It's gonna be easy. Because it has like the whole life. We're, I mean, we're at 19, I think, 88. We've done like eight episodes. We have 30 more years to go. I mean, I don't know if the podcast's gonna last that long. Yeah, and the Patreon is called The Honey Do With You All, where I do The Honey Do With You All.

Yeah, yeah. And the website, RyanCickler.com's everything. Go there for all of it. Find all the social media, Ryan Cicler and all social media, RyanCicler.com. It's always fun, man. Thank you, dude. Thanks, love you, man. I love you, too. Better booze amateur, pathology, dirty jokes, Rancho Huber, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cake.