2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 54 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Tim Dillon

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

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I'm sitting there and he goes like this, he goes, you know, he goes, do you want to go back to the old world? And I'm like, I don't know a little bit. And he goes, he goes, I'm so happy right now. The time that I get to spend with my family, he goes, it's absolutely amazing. And he goes, listen, if I have to make less money to just spend more time with my family, I'll do it. And then he takes a drink and then he goes like, that test, and he goes, and I looked at the numbers, we're actually making more money. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

100% Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha And I get to chop it up with somebody that's fun to be around a little bit a little more intellect Well, a little more cerebral little Spelling and grammar come together and you know ideas. Well, I appreciate that Tim Dylan Thank you very much. Thank you for having me and RIP bird to Corona. You know, that was a that was tough It was a it was not unexpected. I don't get your graphic up real soon, promise. It was very swift justice. It was the COVID really. It can't just deliver. Deliver.

Boos and your body like that for decades and expect no repercussions. Yeah, COVID got in and it didn't leave. So we're sad, but you know, listen, he leaves a beautiful legacy. We're the one for you today, by the way. I love the USA. And it is where we live.

It's where we live. Good. And when I think of USA a lot of times, you know, it's later, he lives a beautiful legacy. I love the USA. USA. And it is where we live. This is where we live. Good. And when I think of USA a lot of times, a few hours later, I think of Tim Dillon. Well, as you shut. Yeah. As you shut.

I know you got to, and it's red and blue. Well, this is the, Ralph Lauren is the only reputable clothing company that makes clothes for bigger gentlemen. Yep. This is really what it is. Please. And it's American royalty. And that's what I try to include. It's really kind of, I mean, have you, did you accept it? Like I'll even

sometimes try to, I'll go vlog myself by going to a mall and seeing clothes that looks attractive that I like to go in there just to be like, so do you have anything bigger? And they're like, no, we don't have anything. Or they'll say, this might fit you and I'll put it on and look in the mirror, and I'll be like, Jesus Christ, this is embarrassing. I can squeeze into jeans. Like I can squeeze into lucky jeans or something, especially the ones that are a little bit more forgiving.

But the shirt game is a shoulder game. I mean, all of these designer clothes are made for European, French, small, soft men, you know, cowards. Yeah. And those people are, they are dressed, you know, and as, you know, when I go to Boa State House in West Hollywood and I see all these like, you know, the young model bullshit, you know, they all have these, the cut is just very slender, very slim. You go boss that makes you for us, dude. No, no, so, but I'm happy with Ralph. Yeah, Ralph, I throw down a Ralph. Yeah, I is good. I throw down a Ralph.

Yeah, I wish he'd throw me a couple of bucks because I've been doing, but I don't know that I'm what Ralph wants out there. That's the other problem, is that? Yeah, I think so. I don't know if my picture is up in a room at Ralph Lauren and they're going, this is we want a guy in a DXL store in Palm Desert trying on shirts and asking how much they'll shrink. That's not what we want a guy in a DXL store in Palm Desert trying on shirts and asking how much

they'll shrink. That's not what we want, but guess what Ralph Lauren, that's what you've got. You got it. That's what you've got. Truly. Just give me the endorsement. Just give me the endorsement. It's already happening.

Yeah. I mean, like you're wearing it. So Ralph Lauren is four guys like me who look a little racist. Right. That's what a Ralph Orren Polo really is for. It's for a guy that looks like he's a little bit on the edge of what isn't as an acceptable term for 2020. Yeah. Like, you don't see anyone in a Ralph Orren Polo

navigate the non-binary question appropriately. Never, never, never. I've never thought of it. It's always a guy who's a little out of it. He's like, come on. He just called what they are. Yeah, he played nine holes. He's a little tired. The wife's yapping.

And it's a little bit of like, what now? Energy? What is this? Who wants to be called? What? Yeah, I'm not doing it. He says, I'm not doing it. He says, I'm not doing it. Yeah. And neither are any of my friends.

Right. By the way, we all wear the ruffler. Right. It's the uniform. Yeah, I don't know if the, if corporate is even going to entertain a sponsorship now. I imagine that the chances are very soon. Right now. It went from like five down.

I actually get a minute, you know, I had a publicist for like 25 minutes. Uh-huh. And I fired her after she two weeks after I did rogue and she texted me she went you did Rogan so I gotta go. Let's go. Also she asked me to her ex-boyfriend who would block her on Facebook. She wanted me to go and look what relationship status he was in. So I said she might not be the most professional.

Oh yeah this is a real person. And she was charging you real fees. She was charging me money and I had to say no to her. And, but she said, she goes, I'm gonna try to get you like, this was the fact, she was trying to get me like, like, she wanted Megaboss to endorse me because this was like, when I used to take Megabosses to shows, like, not currently,

but like, I had a bit about it in my act, like mega bus, so she goes, we'd like, you know, I would love, you know, we'd love to get. So you got a mega bus bus, you went mega bus in business together. Explain mega bus to people. Well, mega bus is just, it's the bus to pass you by and it goes,

for a dollar, get on. Yeah. And it's never a dollar, but it's always like, it's as the buses go, it's a pretty good option. It's like a double decker, it's college kids, old people, you know, hippies. It's not that bad, it's not like Greyhound,

it starts to fall off a little bit, it gets really bad, Lucky Star, like they get real bad. They get bad. They get bad. But Megabus was one that I would take a lot, and she goes, she goes, I, she goes, I said, this was her quote, she goes,

it'd be great to get you in business with a brand like Megaboss. So I'm still open to that. I'm still open. What was your response to that? Great. Because that's what this business does to you. You're like, absolutely.

I will advertise anything, you know, Megaboss big and tall clothing store, DX sell or something, you know, let's get in there. Yeah, would you, have you done tailored, bespoke clothes? You know, I think when I was a mortgage guy, I did a tailored suit once and it feels good. Yeah. It feels good to get a tailored suit.

It does fit like a glove, but then I got in a comedy and then it didn't work. And then by the way, two months after I got the tailored suit, the economy crashed. So my job then became illegal. See, I can sew, like I can picture you, like just the setting around you, the cubicle up and you just being like rates are coming.

And I could totally, I feel like I could not want a mortgage, and then talk to you and be like, I just got a new mortgage like this guy. Here's the thing, I'm a fun guy to talk to, and I'm gonna call, and we're gonna connect a little bit. You're gonna follow up too. And I'm gonna follow up, because I got a bunch of folders on that desk,

and I'm gonna hit them once or twice a day, and I'm hoping that we can, you know, do business together. And if it doesn't make sense, Tom, we part his friends. Yeah. And that was my line. That was a line we all said. We said. And then, but you're trained to not accept, not like, that's the thing.

Well, I wouldn't really get trained. Right. I'd be very loose with the training that we all received. The training was a guy going, how about you make some fucking money and shutting his door and then literally a bunch of unemployable guys, some of whom at Dewey's whose mothers were dropping them off at the office, then got on phones and called people and said we were financial advisors. Right.

Oh. I specialize in residential finance. Yeah. Yeah. I specialize in residential finance. And it was a beautiful time. It's an American time. Do you remember, like do you remember, because I did sales stuff.

I sold knives. I sold, you know, the cut cone eyes. Of course, door to door. I was, well, I was knives. I sold you know the cut-co knives of course door to door I was well I was I was top 50 in the country But I remember like you remember sir instance instances like like I'm 19 and I'm in this hot Married woman's home, right? She's gorgeous. Yeah, just being 19 and around her like just you know huge and and she was like My husband wouldn't like that. You're here shit like that and just being 19 and around her, like just, you know. And she was like, my husband wouldn't like that you're here. It's shit like that and just getting like nervous.

And I remember putting the knife back in a sheath and stabbing myself into my hand. And then like, and her being like, did you just hurt yourself? And I'm like, and just, you know, you just like remember those. And then also remembering people who are like, I'm not really interested in this.

And then you leave with like a thousand dollar sale You know, like from from working it, but you have do you have memories of someone being like a yeah I'm definitely not interested in a mortgage and then you sold them one like I remember I was in one of my first meetings in Long Island Was I was sitting there and there was a couple. I had done all this, I had come out of like debate team. I was like a talker, I love talker. Blah, blah, blah. And I had done all this reading, right?

Cause these were adjustable rate mortgages and you got two or three years of a fixed rate, little stability. And then hey, let's ride the rails together. Like, you're smart, financially savvy guy. Why not take a little chance? Cause we all, and the thing is, no one thought this was all gonna go bad.

That's the thing. No one really, like all the, you know, revisionist history is like, these guys were con-art or something. And it's like, okay, we were the most reputable people, but I took it adjustable, re-emorgasement, I bought a house, like nobody knew these things. Nobody knew you weren't gonna be able

to get out of an adjustable. We thought you'd be able to get out of it. But I remember like, I was sitting there in Long Island with this couple, I mean, she's in house slippers. I mean, Karen from Goodfellas. She's sitting there. They'd racked up $80,000 worth of credit card, revolving credit card, you know, he's sitting there not saying anything. She's sitting there with the kitchen table. And I'm like, you were adjustable rate. Adjusts, it's very stable. I said, it's the live or rate, which is the London inter-banking. And the guy just looked at me and went, hey, are you gonna pay to fucking car?

And I'm like, yeah, the car's included. He goes, all right, let's do this. And I'm like, oh, that's what sales is. That's what you have. Like, sales is just me kind of shutting up. Yep. And allowing this thing that kind of needs to happen anyway, happen, and I'm just here for it.

And it just fits like a glove. And then sometimes you'd have to like massage it a little bit because sometimes people were very concerned about how much it costs or why a sweaty, disheveled cocaine addict in an uninsured Chevy Suburban was screaming at them through the window in their home telling them he had made an appointment with them that they didn't remember. I said Tuesday in 11, it says it on my folder and I'm like, should we let him in the house? And then I would go in and I'd be all, you know, kind of cracked out.

And I'd just sit there and we'd go over the numbers and Sometimes it would work and a lot of times I took that long road back to the office or loser. Yeah, no I also remember with sales is like sometimes you go you you get like Worked up about you know, you want this to be a win right? I mean a sale is like either a failure or a victory, right? and Sometimes you're like, I don't know, you start, and I remember a lady one time, there's like a booklet for the night. Right, right.

She was like, yeah, I'll take it. I was like, take what? She was like, everything in the booklet, like every knife, every product that is in this folder, I'll take it. And then I got nervous that I hadn't done anything and she was making this purchase. Right. And I was like, oh, then you you learn to shut the fuck up

You can ruin it. It's the same thing by the way in Hollywood people don't know that if you pitch and Someone's like we like it get up and run out of the room get out of it Cuz you start going like yeah, you know season two what I was thinking about More than every sale when the both people have put their cards on the table and nobody in the person who talks first There's a silence and then the person who talks first loses. Yeah, so if I say hey Mrs. Miller Here's what we can do we can wrap all your credit card dead up roll it into the mortgage increases your tax deduction We'll close this baby in two weeks. I'll have an appraise around here tomorrow does that work for you silence And then their silence on heart if I go in and then I go. And another thing

that we can show me, like, well, she needs to come back in and go, yes, it does. Or then she needs to ask a question, but the balls in it hurt her. And if she goes, yes, it does. You're like, great. And you just start like, great sign. Yeah. And I mean, that, and that was what we need now. I mean, everyone wants to talk about what we need. We need right now, a product that can be sold to uneducated people, buy uneducated people because that's the American economy. That's what it really is. People don't want to know what that's what commerce is. Commerce is a guy that goes, I don't really know what this is, but you need it.

Someone else who goes, make sense. And that's what happens. And here's must of money for it. We're in a bust right now. It's a boom and bust cycle. And I don't know what it's gonna be, fucking green energy. I don't know what it'll be,

but it's gonna be something that will be unregulated in the beginning, could be a weed type thing. I don't know what it'll be, but what it needs to be is something that people can sit in office buildings and sell to each other. Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel optimistic about the next six months coming up?

This has been, I mean, we all are talking, you know, ad nauseam about obviously pandemic and all this stuff. Right. But it's like, now, I don't know, there's a really weird feeling in LA. You were just in New York, which I would love to know. We'll talk about it, yeah. More about. But do you feel like over the horizon, that things are on an upswing ultimately here

or are just still unpredictable to you? It's unpredictable. I think the election is big. I don't think the election solves a lot. All the problems, but I think if Trump wins again, we see probably more of what we've been seeing. Like with the protests. Yeah, with the rioting, the looting, and the protesting and things like that, that are

protesting that is becoming, yeah, yeah, yeah, civil unrest and things like that. And like the Portland. Yeah, Biden doesn't fix anything either, by the way, but here's what he might do. He just, it's just the foot off the gas a little bit. Exactly. It's a reset. It's a reset. It's a reset of like, this is gonna die a few months in and then Kamala Harris.

It's going to be probably good. It's gonna yes queen her way into the Oval Office. And good. And good and let that happen. Because here's a reality. Kamala's gonna come in, she's gonna put everyone in jail, they'll put the military on the street, they'll start, I mean, they'll start putting chips in people's heads.

But she's gonna need to do it, she's gonna do it. And she in people's heads, but she's gonna need to do it She's gonna do it and she's gonna be like is she's gonna like like it's not you're not gonna be able to really tell a black woman to not Put a chip in your head, right? So Trump it's gonna be a problem, but if a black woman goes you're getting shipped you're gonna go yeah Spish, you know, and that's kind of what the country needs Uh-huh We just at this point we need a dictator. You just gotta choose your dictator.

Which one do you want? I mean, I want the one that's the least annoying. And I don't know who that's gonna be, but I think that for the moment, if the get, if the foots off the get, because Trump's just gonna keep pouring heat. Yeah. For as well, people, I don't think recognize

how much of this is kind of all a game I don't think recognize how much of, um, this is kind of all a game to him. It's a game to him too. Yes. I mean, I think when I watch him, I go, you know, he goes through these cycles that feels like if you actually go into it like with, if you take your emotion out of it and you go, I'm just gonna study behavior and pattern. Right, right, right.

You go, this guy is riding this like it's a game. Like he's playing a game. Here's the level of con artist, Trump is. This is a good way to say it would be like, you are now the CEO of Cutco. You know, like you somehow found a way to rise through that company. Yeah. Without any more knowledge

than you had as a 19 year old, selling knives to a hot mom. Right, you're somehow running the thing. So that's what Trump is. Everyone doesn't get it. Everybody's like, he's Satan or he's Jesus. He's a con artist that is had a lot of success. Because we like to be conned, we like to buy.

It feels good. It feels good, the hammer is called with like very base con in a way too, which is like, you know what people are really in love with, especially here, or actually all over the world, but really here is like a rich guy. What's cooler than a rich guy? Nothing.

When you're a kid too. And I've ever been like, who is this guy? And then like, he's just some fucking really rich guy. And you're like, oh, it's cool. He's got like suits and gold fucking bathrooms. Yeah, he owns women, he owns, yeah. He owns, uh, pageants. Sure.

I didn't even know you could own a pageant. He owns pageants. I mean, I'm sure that I'm sure everything was on the, up and up there. Everybody's behaved the right way in the 80s. Yeah, everybody was fine. Nobody, there was no brush drops being pulled in the green room of the Miss Universe pageant.

Never. In Atlantic City. No. I'm sure he was like, oh, are you no brush drops being pulled in the green room of the Miss Universe pageant. Never. In Atlantic City? No. I'm sure he was like, oh, are you changing right now? Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm a gentleman. Yes. Yeah, I'm sure he got them all in a college after.

Sure, he came through. He's just in there writing recommendation letters. But it's so funny because like he's also, one of the greatest things about him, and George will be pushed to this too, and like a lot of people do this. Somehow we think he's like self made. Like I talked to my friends and they're like, we need a guy like that.

We need like a businessman and self made. I'm like, what world? Yeah, no. Is the guy got a hundred million dot and my friends go, yeah, it's not 11 billion. Like that's my friends from Long Island's argument to like, yeah, well, it's not what he's got now. I'm like, if you would put that money in relatively conservative investments, when he got it, you'd have something near a lot of money.

You'd have a lot of money. So this idea that he tells this, because he also is, he's a con artist, is a salesperson, right? Tell stories. So one of his big stories was like, I got a million dollars from my dad. No, he didn't.

And it's documented. You can choose to read that or ignore it or whatever. But the story is not the story he's telling. The real story is that in today's money, it's something like 400 million. That was going to end. And then he's like, I look at the, some shit worked out.

I bet it fucking did. You got 400 million dollars. Well, he's got that great sales thing too, where there's always a sales store you tell about the guy that didn't choose to buy, like when you're sitting there, you're like, hey, I don't even like bringing the store up. I will tell you this. I showed up the other day, and I promised

somebody a 5% interest rate. They wanted to take time and talk to their wife about it. They're dead, you know, like they're dead. They killed themselves, and I think a lot of it is. So Trump has these great stories where he's basically like, sure, go with the other guy. If you like fire, you know,

it's like you want chaos, sure go with him, you know. You like getting killed in your sleep. Go with the other guy, you know. He does that, he does that too. He also does a very like in that, in that vein of that, he does the front of mind said the other day, it's like, nobody does that too. He also does a very, like in that vein of that, he does the, friend of mine said the other day, it's like, nobody said that to you. Not every time he's like a friend of mine

was telling me how great I'm doing, like, right now, or that. Friend of mine said, you know, you're a perfect person. Yeah. Oh, did he say that to you? That's good. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure that was something someone said. Like, he will say that it'll be like somebody called me

and said, you're just doing so, you work so hard. Yeah, you do so great. You need to take a break. Jesus Christ. And the thing about Joe Biden that worries people is what makes me the most excited is that he is a corpse. I love that. Like everyone's like, but Biden's dead.

I'm like, good. How great does a dead president sound right now? Perfect. How phenomenal does a literally dead, and I mean legit like on oxygen, on his way dead, and I mean legit, like, on oxygen, on his way out, present it sound, it's like, they're phenomenal. There's not a chance, you would make it four years.

People not make it four years. No, Kamala steps in soon. Yeah. And then they bring in a VP, whoever's out of game, who would be the VP? Elizabeth Warren. They bring in another last. And then they just listen, we're all heading towards a tech.

No one's going to go outside. Here's the reality. Outside is over. It's done. It's on fire. It's done. It's on fire. It's annoying. It all outside does is fuck up the Wi-Fi for what you really want to be doing

which is inside on your computer. Chirking off or arguing with your aunt about China or whatever. So outside's done. The natural world is really gone. We're just going to be in a tech prison that's being created and here's the thing about the new prison. You can't say they're not taking a lot of care.

Right. They're artfully constructing a prison that you will live in. They hear all your thoughts, they know everything you want, everything from your porn choices to your grub hub orders. It's all, you're gonna, so the prison's gonna feel nice, but make no mistake, it's gonna be a prison. So I was talking to a high level, high level, former, I mean, extremely high ranking CIA.

Wow, okay. I love this shit. And you're talking, of course, to the Culinary Institute of America. Exactly, okay. Yeah, and I'm like, look, when you make chicken cordon blue, do you actually have to get it flattened or how so I'm talking to this person who was in Is retired now, but was very high ranking and I'm having first news conversations and then I

Just and this is I mean this is nothing new, but it's just if you know the person then you like Jesus Christ Because back to you saying they that recording what you search. Right. Dude, I asked, I asked a question and right away, the guy goes out, not on the phone. And I was like, and I, it took me, you know, when you don't process it, what you do right away.

So I go, no, I'm saying like, do you think that he goes not on the phone? Yeah. And then, because we're just on our set, like just talking. Right. And I was're just on our cell, like just talking. And I was like, oh, and I felt my fucking heart stop because I know who I'm talking to. And what that means.

And I was like, there's something about somebody in that position telling you versus like you and me being like, I'm like, now on the phone, you're like, okay, but like when he said it and we're just on our cell phones and I'm just making conversation, yeah, I don't know, it resonates differently. Yeah, I mean, this is somebody who has clearly knows that we,

that these calls are not, are monitored, man. No, I mean, listen, there's a lot of people in our country they can say they don't like China. They can say that they're not a fan. Let's be very clear. They look at what China's done over there and they're going we kind of like this So wait the people live in constant fear and terror, but they're also highly motivated and productive

What a fun mix and Basically what China's done is they've clamped down on any type of descent Online they've basically figured out a way to create this online utopian world where you cannot express your dissatisfaction with the government or with the prevailing systems of what's happening. That will be America. Eventually they're going to figure out a way to get there, but it's always going to feel so much cooler than China because we're gonna have the best entertainment or very good entertainment. Food is gonna come right to your door. Amazon drones are gonna drop off your groceries, but the flip side is you're not going,

you will be just crushing under the weight of the empire, but that's okay. Yeah, I mean, that's okay. Like people get mad at me, they're like, no, I'm like, what are you gonna do? Right. What's the other plan? Right. And this is the plan.

This is the plan. You're going to be crushed under the weight of a technocracy. Get on board or you're in trouble. I'm like, I'm okay with it. I kind of want it. Like, I'm kind of ready for it in a way that I'm stunned how ready for it I am. Yeah.

I'm kind of ready to go and turn my door to leave and have it go air quality levels not sufficient. I'm like, all right. I've been here three months. I guess they'll let me out one day, but who co is their food here? Yeah, it's all good. Oh, I'm in the quadrant with food.

Yeah. Good. Oh, good. Oh, we have a new movie There's a DXL. We got a new movie. We got a DXL. I have a new shirt. I have a new polo. I can wear drops it in the house Yeah, it's coming and people that want to fight you can smash as many Starbucks windows in Seattle as you like Yeah, it ain't gonna change anything in the world Those people want isn't gonna be great either But yeah, well, I and by the way, I could be wrong about all this, but I don't think I am.

I think that's kinda gonna be, and it'll, I don't think they'll even have to lock the door. I think it'll be voluntary. I think people just can be like, yeah, I don't wanna leave and get the ember and my throat today. So I'll just stay inside. I do think you're totally right that the Biden choice is just, it's the kind of choice of going like

Do you just want to take a breather for a second? Right like this? Are you done with the coke binge? Do you want to just you know, I mean like it's it's it's enough for five nights The choice of like summer school or repeating the year right like hey You're not you don't want to repeat the year do summer school the overall thing You're not going to Harvard like it ain't working out But you might as well just sit in a sweltering hot room for two months and watch a pregnant teacher Miss Ruizy shout out to our Who changed your baby in while we were in math and the mixed race kid the very well lover and she um

and math and mixed race kid, the very woke lover. And she, but that's what we're doing. Joe Biden is a corp. They're gonna wheel him in like Hannibal Lecter. He's gonna sit at that desk and then the real fox, these wasps and these people that own the country

and have for trillions of years are just gonna go back to doing whatever skull dug are they do. And everybody's gonna go back to like whatever it is. And I can tell you that because through eight years of Obama, nobody was in the streets really doing much. There was a few protests about police shootings, which cleaned the police off.

They're a little much. She is the other thing that's fun about, like so when the right is in power, as they are today, you get all this wokeshit over the top, right? But when the left has power, it's kind of more fun. It's like, you get the poke from our job as much easier. This country's not designed for wholesale reimagining.

Things might get better. I hope the police are, you know, rain dan and they can establish more of a you know Successful like you know strategy synergy with the community. Yeah, all of that. Yeah Um, I hope that people get health care. I Hope you know, I would like all those things to happen But when you start understanding we're just an empire. We've passed our peak Mm-hmm. The good day. It's not gonna be like the 1950s again,

where it was like, we're going to the moon, you know, and it's, many of the large scale, you know, social movements have won people of more rights now than they did, civil rights, gay rights, things like that. Those things will continue hopefully. But I mean, what do people, what do people think we are?

Yeah. What do you think we're living? What do you think? Oh, it's a scam. I mean, this country is a very successful scam. It's like an N-Rod. Like the last week of N-Rod, like a secretary was like, you know, the numbers don't add it.

And somebody, but will you throw her out the window? Like, bitch, where do you think you've been working? You know know this is fried right you know it's not real right the the girl who told her mother I'll fight you outside of Dr. Phil's show is a star yeah she's a bonafide star she's a multi-million and she's kind of good yeah so that's how sick it is catch me how's that how outside, how about that? Yeah, how about that?

And then you hear her rap and you're like, pop into it. And you're like, this is not bad. This is the catch me outside, baby. That's America. America is the moment where you're outraged at Jesus' star. And then the next moment we go, this is kind of good.

America lives in that split second. That's where America lives. That's so true. Like, fuck that bit, this country's where America lives. That's so true. Like fuck that bit. This country's show. Oh, this isn't bad. Not bad. And that's gonna be the future. Holy shit, man. Yeah, I don't know if I, I think I'm sorry. I'm just I'm here with positivity and a lot. Yeah, yeah. Cuz I feel like you just painted a very real picture. But I think that's what it is because that was for it. To me, that's something American more than anything. I am outright, this is fine.

Yeah. That's a mirror. That is true. Like, I can't believe, oh, this is nice. Yes. And we're very easily distracted. Why is everyone so fat, McGriddle? Like, it's just the, it's, it's, it's, you can't control it.

So in that split second of like, that's our country. Like, I'm deeply outraged about all the injustices that are going on and also look, someone's left a couch on the side of the road for free. Yeah. That's kind of what it is. That's exactly what it is. Yeah.

It's kind of, man, it's kind of like, I don't know, the way you summarize, it's like, it's, it just feel like the whole thing is just like a shitty reality show. So we're all on Bravo right now or something. You just make the best of it. You go look at, look at throughout history, the things that people have had to contend with

in their lives, you know? And we're actually pretty lucky to be able to, most people didn't have the means to analyze, and we're actually pretty lucky to be able to, most people didn't have the means to analyze the dissolution of whatever state they were living. We get to kind of sit back and, oh yeah, this is over and here's why. And here's what we might expect. Here's the range of possibilities.

And I think that's so much of more of a healthy way to look at it than this crazy religious fervor. You can't hold on, you can't hold on to things. You're right, you got the best way is the acceptance of it. You know, there's no other way. There's no other way. The song's catchy. It's a catchy song.

Hey, maybe that person didn't need to get their ass kicked at the Dr. Phil Showe. Yeah. Maybe the mother was the problem. Why was the mother heart, this girl clearly at talent. Yeah. And this basic bitch mother is telling her not to go out and do drugs and fuck people, which are the literal ingredients for her career. Yeah. Yeah. So now I look at it where I'm like, the mother's the problem, the daughter's the hero. I mean America. America. Yeah. I mean, that's the whole. So the audience are a bunch of hos. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. So um, here in L.A. right now. Yeah.

So this episode is coming out when most people see it will be in October during the invasion The actually this might read invasion actually you know what this might be the episode that comes out the week The week before the election. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's all like we have all these days good week before the election episode Yeah, there's so far. This is this is It's just good, because you know what it is? It's a political. Uh huh. I'm not coming in on one side or no, but I'm just riding the wave.

You're riding the wave, but do you agree? I mean, I sense most people in LA right now, it feels weird in LA. It feels weird in LA, right? But I don't know. This shows me that like in right now, if you have not been to New York in a long time, all you hear from people are like fantasies, wild tales.

I mean, if somebody asks me like, well, give me your best guess, I'd be like, well, it sounds like there's people jumping people in the streets and it's complete chaos and people all left the city I'm like I don't know what's a picture because News you can't really trust like you know the news is so sensationalized right? But like you actually were there recently I was there when you went Yeah, you have to do the 14-day quarantine or fill out a helpful. I can we stop what did you do?

I walk off a plane. They hand me a sheet of paper. They say, please write your name, your contact info, and your address, and put it in like what looks like a suggestion box. And then they should just put it in there. And I took the paper and I wrote my name is Governor Andrew Cuomo.

And then I forgot what address I gave. I think I gave my friends a dress because I wanted him to get in trouble. And like if there was a, I wanted the cops to go to his house. Yeah. Are you threatening to kill the governor? And I just put it in a suggestion by,

it's like everything else, fake. And you get a text. I gave them my real phone number because I was kind of curious. And then they go like, they don't even look at your name. It's all automated. They weren't like hello governor Cuomo I mean I wrote my name governor Cuomo on the sheet. We tried to do yeah They're just like recently you have traveled to New York from a state that has a high rate of COVID-19

We are pleasering to reminding you to quarantine. I was like oh, this isn't even real. That's it Dude, I thought someone was gonna have to call me and be like, hello, is this Andrew Cuomo? You know? I'm like, actually, it's not. You have the wrong number. I thought it'd be fun. But so it's not real.

And then I stayed out east. I went out to the Hamptons. I stayed out there because I didn't want to stay in the city. I was like, the videos were very funny. I mean, that was a real fun one. That was very, very funny. But did you, had you frequented the Hamptons before not frequented? I've been out there once or twice But it always that also seems like a fantasy like not real beautiful amazing play

Well, you know what it is I spoke to a few people out there and they're so detached and they're so rich And they're like aren't the problems mainly on Twitter and I'm like well cities are burning They're like yeah, but isn't that Twitter? Like they don't understand that it's real life. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, no, there's real issues. They're like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

That seems a lot of the media. And I'm like, well, yeah, but there's some issues. They're like cycles, cyclical. Yeah. Anyway, they're out of it. Like you, everyone forgets like how crazy they are too. Sure. Like you look at the antifa people,

like, okay, you're nuts. And then you look at like, you know, the people the antifa people, you're like, okay, you're not. And then you look at like, you know, the people on the far right, you're like, well, you're clearly not. You're walking around a park with torches. But then you forget like guys in Polo's in the hand, those are, or maybe crazier than both of them. Because those guys ignore that that even happens.

Right. And then you're like, are they the same ones? Like, should I just not? Should I be like, oh, I don't know. I don't get, you know. But see, I think they live in there, everyone lives in their own reality. But those people, when you detach like that, maybe you are the most happy. They are, let me tell you right now, really happy. Yeah. They're really, really happy. Beautiful families and they spend a few hours a week with them.

And they check in on them. They check in. You guys are right. They check in on them and then they go out and do whatever they want. But they're all, I mean, when your life is just about money, how simple? Yeah. Right? Yeah. When the only thing that you think about all day and the only thing you have to do is earn money, it actually seems much more of a simplistic thing than like what we do or what anybody creative does Because like it's just it's a binary existence. You're winning or losing right you're up or down. It's kind of like a gambler

It's like it's it's a real Fine line between when things are good and when things are bad and you know when things are bad and you know And things are good like so my favorite quote, right? The guy says to me. This is the perfect quote he sits there he's you know he's getting I mean we're in this beautiful property it's like two acres and I'm a cat said it's great and he goes this is my friend's brother and I'm sitting there and he goes like this he goes you know he goes do you want to go back to the old world and I'm like I don't a little bit and he goes he goes I'm

so happy right now the time that I get a little bit. And he goes, he goes, I'm so happy right now. The time that I get to spend with my family, he goes, it's absolutely amazing. And he goes, listen, if I have to make less money to just spend more time with my family, I'll do it. And then he takes a drink and then he goes, like, that's when he goes, and I looked at the numbers, we're actually making more money. So, in the beginning I'm like, oh, what a sweet.

And then because the actual numbers were doing better actually. So it's like, oh, yeah, this is theater. But then I went into New York City for a few days and I got an Airbnb, like 50 stories up in a Hell's Kitchen building, which is right in the Dan of Horror, which is Times Square, Port Authority bus terminal. And me and my guy that opens for me, Dan, we're doing shows at the Stress Factory in New Jersey. Good shows.

A lot of fun. 150 seats in a tent, feels like a festival. Feels like you're rocking out at fucking wherever. Is it like in their parking lot? Or? Or it's in their parking lot? It's in their parking lot. It's in the entrance to their building. That's done stress factory, but it's a big one. Yeah, there's like an entrance, you know, like that courtyard,

they just put a tent out there and it's killer man, and you feel like you're in a real club. I had not been on stage at five months, it was amazing. How was first time? It felt great. It felt great. Within a second, your adrenaline walking to the stage is big. And then once you're up there and you get your first laugh,

like I forgot what I did, I grabbed the mic, and I think I won show. I said I have 102, I have 103, I feel gray, and then I think the other show I just grabbed the mic, and I went, fuck nurses. And then as soon as you get the first laugh, you're back. The first laugh, you're back, it. The first laugh, you're back. It's like, it was like literally, you know, the last show I did was at the OR, the comedy

store, you know, two days before the Chrono Things spiraled and it went nuts. And I literally felt like that could have been yesterday. I'm doing a show the first time tomorrow. Amazing. A backyard show. Amazing. I just want, it'll be my first one. It'll be great.

It'll be fun. As soon as you get that laugh and you're in, you're like, oh, I'm back in., very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, What could happen here? Yeah, yeah. I like cars. Yeah, yeah. You know, like I imagine like homeless people like there's a cave full of luxury cars, two blocks away. We don't have to be in the rain tonight. And so they are closing those at midnight. So that me and my opener, we get back,

and we're driving around the city trying to find a spot. Everything's just weird, man. We went into a bodega at like one. We're like standing there. There's a homeless woman in there begging for tea. The dude's like, it's your third tea. And then you're looking at two guys that are kind of walking around a bodega,

and you're like, something feels off. Like like are they about to whip a gun out? Am I just paranoid because of the news? Nobody's out at night. New York City used to be and I live there for years bump and dude bump in 3 a.m I'm gonna I've been a diner yelling at people. Yeah, how fuck this business what you know? I have been denied the amount of fuck this business what, you know. I have been denied the amount of bitter, resentful bile that came out of my mouth as Marin Arasos was flying out of it, mozzarella stick bites,

and being like, the denial, this bitch gets a speck. Just nasty real horror. I wasted so much on you, like I loved it, it was amazing. But like just the amount of time I spent walking around being angry and not in awe of what an amazing city it was. Like my opener, he paints this picture of like, it's so amazing. He's like, it's just so easy to meet girls and you're dating.

And he's just, you're there. You guys can go get Mark and Rita. And I'm like, but what about the all the hatred? Like didn't you just walk around every day? Consumed with a darkness in you. You didn't know how to get rid of He's like, well not really no He's like I was dating and I'm like, but what about the late nights on the roof of your building smoking a cigarette curts and God? about the late nights on the roof of your building, smoking a cigarette, curtson, God.

And so I, but I love it there. I miss it a little, never lived there again, because me and New York have that relationship where we destroy each other. I was a tour guide. I ruined people's lives. I ruined vacations that people had saved up their entire life to come to New York to just see it.

And I would grab the microphone and I'd go, this city sucks and I am dying in this city. I have nothing and everyone I know has nothing. Everyone, I said, I know some of the most talented people and they're getting nowhere and people were like, this is really, we just wanna see the lion kick we just want to see the lion were you doing bus tours yeah double-decker bus tours that would stand on the bus and I would just go out there and I would tell people I would say they'd be like it seems like

you have such a fun job I say ask winter you know how many how many operations winter's out on her foot six she said six foot operations. She's 68 years old. Okay. She doesn't want to show you Carnegie Hall anymore She wants the long sleep like it was such It was bad tor Tor guys are tragic characters. You come a tourist in your own home You start falling in love with the buildings. You hate people. You hate people. So that was my experience in New York as just an orb of negativity.

Now the good thing about that was it was that it ended up being very funny. That ended up being very funny. But it was, and there were nice times too, like know, how long, how long in the city? Did you live in? Seven years? Well, I was a health kitchen Brooklyn, a story. But when we went back, we're driving around the city, we finally parked the car on the upper west side. We get in an Uber.

The Uber is a full has, the guys in full has, Matsu. It's like 12 monkeys, full has Matsu. We're in a car that is completely cellophane. Me and him are in the back. We then drive to the Uber. Then the Uber lets us have like two blocks from our Airbnb. I was like, oh no good.

We're trying to plead with the Uber. Drop us off in front. He's screaming in Mandarin. It looked like that's how Corona started. Like if you didn't know how coronavirus started, you would think it was that. Like two white foxes being like, drop us that art door.

And this Asian guy's like, no, bad things are happening. You must have bought, you must. It's like the beginning of just a movie. And they drop us two blocks away. And I look at Dan, Dan's like 24, he's like, you know, he's 10 years younger than me. And I'm like, I feel responsible for these dudes sometimes on the road.

Like the last thing I want is to call like his parents and be like, hey man, Dan was stabbed last night, but he did great on the show. He did, he says, a new bit about Kamala Harris, it really worked. But he is and I see you right now at Bellevue. And I couldn't help him. It was so quick. It all happened so fast. It happened so goddamn fast. But so me and him walk and dude, the walk from where the Uber

Let us off to the front of Airbnb was two blocks. I've never felt like that. I've lived I've been in New York some a kid. I grew up in Long Island. I lived in New York for about seven years. I'd never felt like that. I've lived, I've been in New York, some a kid, I grew up among Ireland. I lived in New York for about seven years. I'd never felt like that in New York City. I mean, I was, they were sizing us up. People were looking at us for lunch.

Yeah, no, yeah. People were looking at us like what's... This was in Upper Westside? Or... No, this was, this was 42nd, and this was the belly of the beast. The belly of the beast. So this is the area. So it's that, the beast. So this is the air.

So it's that rough. Oh, at night. It is. That area is an area. And the cops will watch you get pummeled. Don't, right. Don't get it twisted. The cops will watch you get stabbed to death.

And you rewind. And they'll film us. They'll be like, we're sick of everyone filming us. We'll film you. And they'll give it the Fox News and be like, run that on loop. Yeah. Get the people back on our side, which I get. Yeah, of course.

I get it nine months ago though, that same area to walk. Nothing. Great. Great. Everything would have been open. Yeah. The guy like me would have been like,

that's 130 in the morning. I think it a frozen yogurt. You know, it's New York. Sure. I went to pride myself. It's got a frozen yogurt and go walk by the water. Yeah, you know. It's not possible now.

Not possible now. It is a little sketch. It felt a little weird. Food still top notch. Food is good in that city. It's one of those things where it's like, you eat a bagel in that city. Like, man, they just know how to do this real well.

Yeah. It's not worth living there and getting shanked and raped for it. But I will tell you this, it's the red sauce is just good. It's just good. They know how to do a fucking, you know, they just know how to do it.

Yeah, there's what's that, there's a bagel shop out here where they go, we bring in the water from Brooklyn. Yeah, it's great, great. They're like the water. By the way, if you bring in the water from Brooklyn, how about using it to put out the fucking fire? Yeah, not making a bagel, You know, this fire shit is today, like somebody goes,

hey, is there a lot of smoke outside your place? I go, well, there's fog. There's what used to be clouds. There's smoke. And there's a collection of colors that has, come that I don't even know how to identify. I don't know what it is. I go, I feel like we're in a soundstage and I'm just looking up

and I'm like I don't know where I am. I look out I'm in desert I got out of LA during the riots. I just drove the east and didn't look back. I look like a guy during the riots who gets burned alive and then people really don't care. Like people look at me and go, whatever that guy said to those poor people wearing black hoods,

whatever he said to them, justifies the fact that he was impaled. Yeah. Like that's the thing. I am. Yeah, oh yeah. No one sees this face and goes, oh, I'm sure he was on the right side

of the cultural issue. It's probably with the bow. Yeah, yeah, I'm just, so I'm like, let me get a battle and I went to Desert and a desert and it's beautiful. I love it. Do you are you heading to the desert right after this? I'm going to Whitney Cummings house because she's doing a comedy show in her backyard and she wants me to be on it. Yeah, it's a huge embarrassment for her and me and everyone involved. But she who goes to the show? I don't know. She's

got like Instagram influencers and cash in the role playing with their pussy. I don't know Tom. Tom, I don't know what's going on, but it's just what it is. And I mean, they're just doing wet ass pussy in the pool and they're trying to get followers. It's like, I don't know what's happening over there, but none of it's graceful.

The point is that, and I love them. Shout out to everyone there. But, you know, respectable. But, yes, so I'm doing that show, but I didn't think I'd love to, I didn't think I'd dig it and I dig it. It's so high. It's a, you can become a weird desert guy too. Is it the kind of weird beach guy?

Yeah, we're the beach guy and desert guy. I don't wanna be either one of those guys. I'm a suburban basic bitch guy. That's what I am. And you're happy with that, right? I'm happy with it. You get to a point where you go, what do I want?

I want a little McMansion suburban basic bitch guy. I want a nice restaurant that I go to once a week and complain about. I want a few friends that I sit in the backyard with. I want, you know, a relationship with someone who's in it because I have that house and is cheating on me You know all these things are possible all these dreams are so realistic. Yes, and I'm good with that Like I don't need I don't want to live in a cool area

I don't want to I'll never be able to afford a classic Fifth Avenue in Manhattan or a Beverly or anything like that. I just want a suburban basic pitch existence because that's what I had growing up and that was fine. And then I mean, I also then started doing drugs and going to other cool places like crack houses because I was like, oh, the suburbs are boring. And then you spend enough time there and then the crack house and you're like, my suburbs kind of nice too.

It's a yin yang. So a lot of time in crack houses? Yeah, I mean, a good amount. I started doing Coke at 13, so that's really young. It was, but it also really worked. Now, it was so appropriate. Wait, I needed it. Wait, I needed some kids need a little one.

Somebody, okay, I feel like at 13, it's almost, like I'm trying to think with a 13 year old mine, I feel like you're either gonna, were you, you'd have to be talked into it, or were you just, I was like, what's that? And someone said cocaine, and I went, oh cool. Oh, and then, and then I just blew it up my nose. And then it like, I then we got, me and my friend got in

with over the next few years, and we would hang out with people that do it, we'd drive into the city, we We go to bad areas, bad places, whatever. So fun. Yes, so much fun. I mean, there's nothing more fun. If you're listening to your kid, just do this. There's nothing more fun than getting in a car with a guy named Hector and his girlfriend, Sonya, shout out to them. Don't know if they're still alive, but I love you. They're not alive. But you know what? Actually, those people somehow live. Yeah, I live somehow live. They live. It's a guy that runs the 5K for charity in the dies.

Yeah. It really is. And we would just drive and we would just do cocaine and smoke weed and blast music. And I was like, this is so cool to just be in a moving car. God, I love being in a moving car on drugs. Sitting in the back seat. And people I didn't know, but I loved.

But then how long till crack houses though? Well, we weren't smoking crack clearly. We were not animals, but that's a fun joke. What I just did there was a joke about the commentary, about the way cocaine and crack are viewed in society, which has a real class, is, you know, really racial lens to it. And to it and what I when I use word animals what I was doing is shedding light on systems of inequality to continue to play us today. Here's what thank you. Now we would go there was one of my town that's lady Rosie owned that she was just a lot of fun they were just fun can we we have to just acknowledge that it's kind

of fun sometimes to walk into a room with a dirty carpet with an Overflowing estuary of cigarettes and sit on a couch and pull a ratty blanket over you and say I am not gonna be judged today Yeah, yeah, something's nice about something feels good And we would just go when we get to hang out and kind of just party and everything and then we'd go home and our parents Like where have you been? And we're like the park and our our parents were horrible boomer parents They're like that's good. And you know, my dad's like,

we're gonna golf swing in the backyard. Like, nobody has any clothes. My mother's planning a cruise. You know, she's like, seven days in Acapalco. And I wanna go to Greece. You know, I remember being coked out of my face, laying in my bed and hearing my mother go, would they be going to go to Greece?

And I'm like, oh, thank God I don't have parents. Oh my God. Thank God I never had parents, you know, because I was able to go out and just get fucked up on drugs. I hadn't heard the boomers missed everything. They missed everything. The boomers, I've studied the boomer, like people study like Errors in History.

The boomer is just such a fascinating selfish, I mean run on self-will, run rampant to a degree of, I mean our parents were into themselves to a degree that was hilarious and they still are. Like no matter what you say to them, it will go back to them being a victim. They've had the greatest run of any generation to have ever stepped on earth. Yeah. Okay. Other than Vietnam, which no one of my parent group served in. So when the people that I know, um, they always have an uncle. It's always like Uncle Johnny gave it. It's a, well, you shut up. Yeah. Um, and, and they just skated. They got every, everything, a lot of it, right?

And they're, they're victims. Like now, when the whole Corona thing happened, I was explaining to my aunt, I'm like, listen, you know, we're gonna have to reopen the world. And she's like, well, I don't think so. She goes, I work my whole life, and I finally want to travel. So I don't want to get thick.

So I was like, okay, again,, this she says she's worked her whole life Like that isn't something that everyone throughout history has done always. Yeah, right like she says it like only she's done it right I Worked I'm the person my whole life, and I'm like, oh you worked all of the days like all of the other people Yeah, we've all worked yeah, but it's. And my dad just had my dad has a putting green in his backyard. He's put a putting green in his backyard so he can work on his putting whilst the world burns. That's a pretty good. Yeah, so this is where they're at. That's where that that's where that generation is at. That's how you miss your kids on coke right now. Yeah, that's how you miss the kids on coke. But I get it because if you had a kid on coke, do you really want?

Yeah. If you had a closeted homosexual somewhat Republican cocaine addict living in your house, would you want to get in that kid's head? You just probably step back and go, let's let this play out. They probably had private conversations where they go, he'll be dead in two years and we'll try again. And unlucky for them, I'm here on national platforms. Telling everyone how much you both suck. And I didn't have to be gay or a cocaine addict. I chose to do both those things.

Because they did not get me a dog. Because they said that my mother was allergic to dog, which was a lie. That was a lie. That was a lie. Because she just knew she would have to take care of it. Exactly. They couldn't tolerate neglecting more than one thing at a time.

And, well, that's okay. Well, anyway anyway guys. Let me know how those grandchildren are coming Did you see Did you see that Trump tweet where he goes Kim Jong-un's doing great never underestimate him? I was like this is one of the craziest things that I've ever seen. It's, I will miss, when it if he leaves, I'm gonna tell you right now. It is, I will miss a little bit of the fun. It is so, here's the thing, we're gonna be,

as much as we're like this guy's out of his fucking mind, there's gonna be a real calm down, like a real, like, all big time. Like you just left rehab. Like you're gonna be like, shit's boring, man. It is gonna be boring. So normal and boring, but then I feel like, we're gonna be like shit's boring man. It is gonna be boring. But then I feel like we're gonna have to read a job because we are like we're living at the scene of

the movie where the car's hanging off the cliff and we're just like it when is it gonna and we've been in that moment for four years and that's not a healthy place to just yeah yeah but yeah man so my prediction is if he does lose and it goes okay and he leaves which I think he will I think he might like barely want to do anymore. I think he might barely wanna do anymore. I think he might go into some entertainment, ask position.

And I think, dude, I think within a few years, he'll be doing jokes about himself. Like, you guys let me be president. Like, I think he'll just go back to this carnival barker that's like a funny, and I think people will like him again in the same way that they love George W Bush. Remember when everyone hated Bush hated him. No, I mean like if you're a young if you're like 25 or younger, you can't really imagine How fucking much people hated this guy's guts. I mean, I guess you remember if you're that age, but I mean, I guess you remember if you're that age, but they were like, this dude is,

first of all, they were like, he is, he is dumber than anyone you could ever imagine. He's the dumbest person to ever lift. He's the dumbest person that's ever lived. And also, like right alongside a serial killer, he'll send your son to a war that doesn't need to happen, doesn't give a shit that everyone dies. They painted him and then now he's a painter.

Yeah, they love him. Got a nice ranch. And that'll happen because what'll happen is during President Logan Paul's first term. Who I like, Logan, I want him to win and I'm going to get involved in his campaign. I've said it's probably a million times. I do like that. I think he would be great good at it.

But during his first term, he'll make an error. And everyone will go remember Trump. It's just the hindsight and the distance from somebody that you'll forget a lot of the little, that's what happened with Bush is people forget details. Just great picture. They're like, I mean, he seemed pretty nice. Trump also, I don't think other than the corona

and obviously the economic crash, a lot of Bush's fuck ups outlived hit, not outlived to me still alive, but like outlived his administration. Like we're still dealing with a lot of the things that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars just refugee crisis that you know sprang from destabil of the things that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars just refugee crisis that you know Sprang from destabilizing the Middle East and all this stuff. I think when Trump's out

He's out. It's kind of like and that's where every comedian making a living Shooting on Trump. Oh, man, or I I predicted this I said You know comedy cyclical everything what's gonna happen is Trump will be out eventually maybe four years from now Maybe two months. He'll be out eventually COVID will be gone the economy will stumble back into something recognizable Nobody's gonna want to hear either one of those names again. Yeah, nobody's ever gonna want to hear Trump or COVID in a comedy club Or anything I was gonna be done shut up shut up.. Shut up. You know, and if you come online, go try to do bits about the Iraq war.

Nobody wants to really hear about that. So what'll then happen is rich kids will move back into New York like they did in 2009. They will put on funny hats and flutes and they will start another alternative comedy scene. They will not discuss anything real. They will do bits about like Malcolm in the middle or like whatever to them is like an arcane reference,

you know, they'll talk about, you know, video games and all that stuff. And, you know, and then- Make each other laugh. And they'll make each other laugh. And then the industry will be like, they're cool and we're cool too. And then that'll be, you know, and then it'll just be a cycle.

It's been a size new bit. It'll be a cycle and I think what's coming after this is just like maybe a golden era, or not a golden era, but certainly an era of like absurdist comedy. Yeah. Which I'm for, I'm like bringing on. Sure.

Like the type of comedy where people are like, we're just ready to be silly and goofy again. Let's get done with the rage, right? Done with the rage. Yeah. And that's why a lot of shit like those videos I do, it's like they're goofy. Yeah. They're goofy. And I'm ready for goofy. Yeah. Your videos are great. Well, thank you.

You're great. Um, I do, I do wonder like, what is a, what's, it's gonna be. So he's so fueled by attention. Yeah. That um, that if he loses this election, you gotta imagine like, what's this guy's gonna be like, I need it from, like his post presidency to me, could it'll be like none we've ever seen before. So he's gonna do like the regular shit that a guy does. No, no. I mean, it'll either be a median network

where he'll have the- Give me on every night. He'll be like Casco- Casco- I know it's just like three and a half hours each. He'll build a, or his the other Give me on every night. He'll be like Casco- Yes, he's nine, he'll be- Three and a half hours, he just- He'll build a, or his other option, he just dies. Yeah. Because he is old and his oxygen might be the running the president.

Like, he did it. Yeah. There's nothing else to do. Right. You want to talk about accomplishing everything. You've been married three times. Yeah. You've run all of these businesses. You've done all this stuff

You're a president in the United States. You were the president of the United States. You've had a remarkable life You're the president we deserve you're the American story not Abraham Lincoln. You're the real story That's the American story and I mean like you know when he dies Play bad baby at the funeral and like you know, it'll just be like you know The ultimate acceptance of who we truly are is people. There's a great line in Oliver Stone's Nixon Which was a movie that a lot of critics didn't like because they're pussy's but It's a good movie, you know, these people that write it, that one. He goes, he looks at a picture of JFK on the wall

and he goes, when they look at you, they see what they wanna be. When they look at me, they see what they are. That is a great line. That's a great line. And I think with Trump, when we look at Obama, we kinda saw what we wanted to be, kind of this middle-aged, in-shape black guy.

Yeah. Is that just me? Or I might be projecting. And when we see Trump, we kind of see what we are. This bloated, hilarious, con artist who's just trying. No impulse control. No impulse control. Who's just stuffing himself with McDonald's

and trying to lie his way into riches and fame. Yes. And that's who we are. What a, I mean, what a great way to wrap up an episode. Yeah. And everyone go vote. It won't matter, but do it anyway.

It might. Vote like you do keto. You go, hey, can't hurt. And you don't really have to. Just don't. Right. Yeah, just try yeah It's all gonna go to hell this everything's gonna fall apart. It's a real we're in a real problem

Yeah, yeah, we're in a tailspin right now it ain't great. Yeah, yeah This is some irony to you that that all that that it came together in 2020 like numerically seem like a perfect kind of You know, I guess the number to me, like, oh, 2020 sounds like a cool year. Interesting about it. But yeah, I mean, it's so bad that you don't even want it to have significance. That's how bad it is. You don't even want it to be like part of a grand thing. You're like, just let some have, but I don't think it's the end. We will limp through this.

Yeah, true. And because, and this is the greatest thing about America, and this is the thing that people forget. And this is why we always make it out. It's because the citizens of this country, ourselves included, not putting any distance between it, the citizens of this country, ourselves included, not putting any distance between the citizens of this country, are our megalomaniacal sociopaths. And when you are a megalomaniacal sociopath, you can just kind of move on. Don't you move on. You just kind of move on. And it's so important to focus only on yourself,

important to focus only on yourself, think nothing of anything else, forget history, and just move on. I love it. Guys, I don't think there's a more uplifting message I could leave you with. Yeah, we're definitely gonna mark this for the week before the election. So, it's a good one.

Maybe the day before. Yeah, maybe it's because that's a Tuesday and these come out on Monday. So maybe this is our November second. Tomorrow shit is going to fucking hit the fan. Yeah. They're going to say we're going to count votes for nine months because everything's coming in the right.

We won't know any rights. There's going to be people stabbed and shot in the streets. But you know, it's our country. USA. Polo. and shot in the streets, but you know, it's our country. USA. Polo. The podcast, Tim Dillon Show, podcast, Tim J. Dillon, D.I. LLO went on all social media, Instagram, Twitter, things like that.

Dude, thank you so much for coming to that. Thank you for having me on. And I appreciate you. This is really fun. Thanks brother. Dude, thank you so much for coming to that. Thank you for having me on. I appreciate it. This is really fun. Thanks brother. And America. Thanks so much. RIP Bert. RIP Bert.

Yeah. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave.

No scripts to bed a booze amateur, for topology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave.