2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 56 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

Become a paid channel member of YMH to experience an AD-FREE version of the show here : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYIgiXwJck_Pb5Nj-wIrsqg/join SPONSORS: - Get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free at ExpressVPN.com/CAVE - Go to Whoop.com and enter “BEARS” at checkout to save 15% - Get 20% off your order at BuyRaycon.com/bears! - Go to Vuori.com/BEARS and get 20% off your first purchase plus free shipping on U.S. orders over $75 - Get 20% off your first order when you use promo code BEARS at BubsNaturals.com. Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by revisiting their new favorite thing on the internet: PLASTT. They also discuss Dr. Drew's new reputation, the birthday present Tom got Bert, peptides, times Bert has gotten hurt, their experience at 2 Bears, 1 Bowl, and what their next challenge will be.

The store has moved. All the merch is now at store.lymhstudios.com. This is what happens. So yesterday the guy calls me and I go deliver it to his house, he knocks, and he ends like, who are you? And I hear her. And I'm like, it's Tom, it's me. So she goes, oh, she goes, what is this?

And I go to E-bike. She goes E-bike. He goes, you know he's fat, right? And I go, 100% coffee for life, dog. Dude, I'm being serious, I might really get into coffee. I listened to that episode with the Black Rifle guys, and that, hey guys, bring the episode of Two Bears, okay.

The, did you like that pivot of personality? Yep. Today I had an orgasm and- What do you mean I had an orgasm? Were you doing something to get it? No. Do you know what you did? You make it sound like a sneeze.

I was walking to my kitchen and I came. No, Liam's about to suck my dick, right? Okay. And she, she does the tap tap on it, as she always does, with a little bit. A little mic tap. A little mic tap. And now she's laughing hard as fuck

because it made it in the act, right? Right, right. She's like, I haven't done that every time on my life. Wait, did you get a hand job yesterday? Yesterday I got a hand job. How did I tell you that? Yeah. Yeah, I got a hand job yesterday because it was my birthday.

Okay. And then I would ask for the beach. Well, I wouldn't have time with them time. Okay, very busy day yesterday Were you really fired up to like in order to come with a hand job? Like I feel like a hand job if you know if you're it's you can't be like I'm kind of into you got to be ready to go Well, I was ready to go. Yeah, I was ready to go back up. How many days since you came a lot? She went whoa that came out a lot and I immediately thought of Michael stall I was ready to go. Yeah. I was ready to go. Backed up. How many days since you came? A lot. She went, whoa, that came out a lot.

And I immediately thought of Michael Stahl. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I was like, was it 18 feet? Yeah. Right. By the way, I started looking up Plast porn after he, oh my god. I have Jade My D to some Plast pictures. Oh.

I love it. It's like, it's like authentic. And I love that it's, they're all like happy. I think that's a big thing too like I'll jerk off to this they don't seem like they're I mean even though I can get off If a girl's like crying. Yeah, but like if she's happy it seems like Pretty cool scared underwear by the hours. Yeah Is this ours? Ear soupie. Yeah, that's our we haven't got a lot of we haven't got scared underwear behind the ear. Sue beep. Yeah, that's our. We haven't got a lot of submissions yet. Scared underwear behind the ear and our eyes.

But we will be doing getting those next week and we will have a lot for you. So we should do our own. So she's about to give me a. Shout out to the class section. Shout out to Dr. Drew's wife by the way. Why? Whatever she fucking did on Push His Podcast

where she said, I suck his dick six times a week. Oh, I know, yeah, six times a week. Dr. Drew, fucks. Yes, he does, by the way, we get. The best is that, the internet, things kind of like twist in turn as we both know, and you're like, there's a root of a truth in that. So now like we saw a shaggy from ICP,

who's on, he's like, you know, it's so funny. He's like, he's like, Dr. Drew, you know, he fucks all kinds of bitches. And then they're just running with that and he's fucking bitches. And he's like, no, I fuck my wife. Dr. Drew's just fucking knuckle deep in everybody.

Dr., listen, if you meet Dr. Drew, you're getting fucked. Okay. Dr. Drew is, I think, on stand hopes and the world podcast the other day for the election. Anyway, pivot. So, so I'm about, but my shout out to Dr. Drew's relationship, Susan. And because now Leanne, every time she goes down,

I'll put your head up on the face. You'll just like to hear like, what are you? Um, because now Leanne every time she goes down, Oh, but you have fun. I love it. You'll just like to hear like what he said. It's just ridiculous. Go ahead. And form Jogalo says, uh, Hey, Tom Segura, um, invite me on the podcast so I can try it out with you and Dr. Drew. Four strokes with my brother is my favorite. Great.

More riddles. I know I see what he's doing. I see what he's doing here. It's like me saying that hey Tom's a gore and fight me on the podcast So I could try it out with you and dr. Drew for strokes with my brother is my favorite is that like he wants us to have a Three-Sum and I think he's talking about different strokes season four we talk about fucking because remember he's talking about Dr. Drew is like fuck bitches like crazy Because remember he's talking about Dr. Drew's like fucks bitches like crazy Like that like what happens is someone here is that and then that's all they remember Dr. Drew fucks bitches like crazy, you know I love that. I love that Poor guys like I love my wife

By the way, I met Shaggy at a show one time you did yeah, he came back I want to say it was when I was with Sal Volcano It's big fantasiles. Oh, yeah, he came back. I want to say it was when I was with Salvo Cano. He's a big fan of Sal's. Oh, yeah. He came back and like, and I remember Kyle Canadian was just there. You know, Kyle Canadian got such a like like a and then he was like, hey, how you doing? I think I'm sure it was Shaggy. I was and he was like, I'm Shaggy from insane kind of. You know, you know, Canadians just among your face. No, he didn't have his makeup on. on your face. No, he didn't have his makeup on. Oh, he did.

Hey, you missed a spot. Kyle's got the best voice. I have a new, I have a new, John almost passed out again. I've been almost passing out a lot. I had a new spirit animal, but what's it called when you, totem, I have a new totem this year.

You want a new totem? A totem. What is it? Lighthouses. What do you mean, lighthouses? You're into them? I'm, my new things. Are you collecting them?

I'm going to, I'll start. So owls for a long time have always been my totem. By the way, an owl flew into our backyard the day of the first day. You like a real lighthouse? Are you talking about like photos and models of them? First of all, I'm really in the lighthouse in general. Lighthouses pretty cool.

Lighthouses are awesome. We went to one in Maine one time and it was fucking awesome. Do you imagine how many times, like what the feeling is like to be lost at sea and the panic and to see a lighthouse? Like what that must do to you emotionally? If you're out at, there's no more panic. There's no greater panic you can feel than lost at sea.

Oh my God. Like, you look up and down, it's just dark, and you're just like, I'm going to die here, for sure. And then you see the light swing by, you'd be like, oh my God. Yeah, I mean, it just has to be. It's gotta be, I often think, you know how like, I often think one day, hold your thought. Okay.

Just while he's talking, get the zip line thing. I wanna show Bert the zip line. Go ahead. I have, I often think one time I'll be stuck at sea and a raft with no water, no food. Yeah. And I, that energy of like going like, oh fuck, I often think. Do you remember when we filmed the cabin, the cigar roller?

Yeah. Oh my god, yes. And he was like, we're just talking, kind of super cool dude. I'm like master cigar roller. He rolled that crazy blunt. And then he's like, yeah, I came from Cuba. And then he starts telling the story,

real casually, that everyone, he came over with died. Yeah. And he had a makeshift raft. The strength, oh wait, what is this dude? Oh my God, hold on, hold on. Hang on, remind me the blow job. I want to finish the blow job. Oh yeah, when you finish your blow job. Blow job in orgasm, remind me that, but I want to see this.

Okay, okay, okay, I'm already fucking, oh this is killing me. I know that I know you you're gonna respond to this. So this dude is on a zipline. I mean hundreds of feet up in the air. And just let it, just make sure the sound plays, but let's go. Oh, fuck me. Put it on, put it on.

Oh my god. Oh, fuck, oh. Fuck, don't get here, you're gonna have a, don't go front of it. Don't go front of it. Don't go front of it. Don't go front of it, you can't, Oh Run You got you got you got oh shit. Oh shit. It's god damn it. No Oh Oh Oh my god, he is in a foot look look at his left hand Dude he is a adrenaline His left hand is destroyed dude. Yeah, look how high up he is

Yeah, I knew that would I knew they do that to you You could feel the panic. I mean that is like that dude. He knew he was He almost fucking fell off that thing, you know, I have it. Let me see if I can find the picture. Oh my god That hand he put his hand in front. Oh, okay, so immediately I knew I knew Could you have ziplined That really connected very hard with me. I knew it would it's Oh god dammit that fucked me up Oh God damn it, that fucks me up.

I'm gonna see if I can find a picture. So one time, I, oh man, that fucks me up. Yeah. You know what it is? Is, cause you know, obviously I fell off a waterfall one time repelling. And there's certain things where your instinct starts to do the thing, to save yourself and you get fucking hurt. So one time we were at hand going in front. You saw right?

So there are a lot of stories like that a lot of stories about dudes falling and the rope wrapping around their leg and them going down and it just cutting their leg off. There's like stories like that. There was that climber last year, the world class, you know, there's like some world class free climbers and he died, right?

He died. And they were talking to the experts, like the people who really know that and they all said that he did something like that an amateur would do. And it was like, he just overlooked something in his prep or I can see, I don't know the free climbing kind of world, but they all were like, yeah,

this is like a total amateur move, but it just is something he overlooked either in the moment or but it was, yeah, I'm looking for. Is that the one? No, look last year right there? Yeah, I Go bright. I've heard I've had heard so many fucking fellas. I'm looking for this. I'm looking for this picture from Moab I I

Well this fucking freaks me out because what it is is its instinct. It's instinct over Over thought and so you get hurt so why I have over thought. And so how do you get hurt? So I have a story I haven't told you about yet. So we were doing this thing. I want to find a picture of my fucking assholes tingling right now. Show me, show me, show me. We were doing this thing where we were repelling off this canyon. And I have to have pictures of this injury on here

I'll find it and we I repelled down and I was very very confident I was really confident and I felt great and I remember swinging out We were doing it in between two things. I wish I had exact details on this but in between two things We swing out and I'm having fun and I'm really confident I zipped out lying down and I'm feeling great I have both I've repelling gloves on both hands I'm feeling great I'm very confident take my repelling gloves off and my assholes tingling again and we get the kid who we're we're repelling with we get him on and we start swinging him back and forth on the thing like he's like he's like a little scared

And we're like it's fine. You're fine. It's we're gonna swing you back and forth It's just a swing. You're gonna swing real far, but it's fun He's like really? I'm gonna get so we swing him swing him and as he swings him I go to grab the rope to stop him and It's 200-pound man in there and he's attached to the rope And I'm to make sense of it We swing the rope out like that and I'm here and I grab it and as he attached to the rope and I'm to make sense of it. We swing the rope out like that and I'm here and I grab it and as he swings in, the rope rips through my hand and tears

all the skin off my hand. Just, it doesn't tear the skin. What it does is it takes every bit of detail off my hand. So it just looks like, it looks like a plain skin. Like almost like you dipped it in wax and it looks like a like plain skin like almost like all right, you dipped it in wax And it happened so fucking quick it went and I and I went

and it was so hot and it was so burnt and there was a there was a Trickle of water coming down at a thing and I just went and pressed my hand in there and I was like this is gonna Be bad and everyone's like it's gonna be really bad and it bubb bubbled up so bad, but it was this instinct of like going, oh, let me stop it. And it went, it's that moment, you're not, you're not thinking for a millisecond. Have you seen by the way, how many people don't know how to swing off a rope from a tree into the water,

like those videos? Oh, my. Where they're like, say let go above the rocks. Hold on, you know what it is, you know what it is, is, is, or they don't let go above the water, they're like, all right, jump off and they're like, say let go above the right. No, what it is, you know what it is, is, is, or they don't let go above the what they're like, all right, jump off and they're like, huh, and I swing back.

The number one thing is people underestimate their upper body strength. And I've done that. There's a video, you can find a video of me doing that on, I'm online, I'm certain if you type in birth conqueror season three, where it, where it, traction park, action park is the name of a police called traction class action park.

I got my Tutton Tesco ruptured there, and they had a rope swing, and you're watching people hold on, and you just, your hands are like, oh, I've never really held a swinging, like a fulcrum 250 pounds. Yes. And you, I just hold on, and my fingers are like, oh, why are you fucking on your mind?

Yeah, boop, yeah. I've gotta find a picture of this. I always tell you on the, if you go to those, like, oh, why are you fucking on your mind? Yeah, boop, yeah. I've gotta find a picture of this. I mean, I always tell you on the, if you go to those like rock climbing walls, you know, the places where you're kind of practice. Yeah. They go, oh, your instinct, you think you should pull yourself up and they're like, you should do the work with your legs.

Oh, yeah, that is. Your upper body will exhaust you, like itself, basically. And everybody's like, no, no, I got it. I got it. I can't believe I can't find these fucking pictures. I took so many pictures of my hand. It was so sliced up in the next day. And we still have a lot of rock climbing left to do.

We had to jump off a fucking cliff. And I had my hand was ruined. I mean, ruined. You know, what's also crazy is like, as this guy knows, when I fell off the waterfall, I got up for, I wish I had my computer, I wish I had all my Insta stuff. When I fell off the waterfall, it was just an instinct to like help yourself. And then I didn't realize how high I was, but I had flipped upside down and I was, and I was, and I was, I think I was down and I was, and I was, I was, I was, I was drowning. Drounding? Yeah.

Not drowning. Drounding. Drounding. Drounding. Drounding. Drounding. Drounding. No drowning. Not drowning. Drounding. Do you say I drowned it? I drowned. Drounding. Drounding. Drounding. No secondity. Drounding sounds weird. Drounding. It sounds like you're drowning.

I drown it. We gotta do, we have to, please make sure we do like words with Burt at some point where he just, you know, says the way he says things. Drown, I was upside down in the waterfall. So what happened is it's crazy right before I started to be filled with water. I was, I was, it was the last episode of the last season we were gonna do. I didn't know if we were gonna get picked up or not, but it was a very last episode of that day. And it was like, all we were gonna do is do this and then get on a helicopter fly out to this place that they call the frying pan and then party for a few days and then fly back, right? Yeah, party for a few days.

Maybe she did a TV show, right? Yeah, party for a few days. Yeah, maybe she should have TV show, but basically party. Type in the frying pan, North Carolina, the frying pan. You'll see where we went to. frying pan, this is where we went out and partied here. It was fucking awesome. Dude, you can do, yeah, that's it. Damn. It's in the middle of the ocean like 40 miles out.

What do people do there? You just party. Is there like rooms there? Yeah, it's like it's fucking awesome. It's fucking awesome. Thirty five. Oh, it's a hotel. Yeah. Thirty four miles from land. So how do you how do people get by helicopter helicopter helicopter drops you off. You shoot guns at like we were scooting. Shoot and ski. We went fishing. That actually looks really cool. It's fucking awesome. It's off the coast of Carolina. Uh-huh. Yeah 40 miles out. You take a helicopter. Oh damn. It's fucking awesome

It take a look inside it looks like it looks like movie from this angle. It looks like shit like it looks terrible. Yeah, but I guess maybe Let's see. Oh, it's actually nice. It's nice inside. Mm-hmm. Okay. It's not bad Mmm, okay. It's not bad. The guy lives out there. He lives there. Yeah, you can, you can like, he, how, how fucking mental is he gone? This is the best is he can take a seat and, and get you all the way down to the water and lower you down to the water like 80 feet. Like, he just puts you in the seat and then swings the arm out and then lowers you down to the water so you can like, be down by the water and see the fish. Whoa, and then brings you up. That's pretty cool man. It was actually awesome

I had a fucking blast out there But that's all we had to do was go out to the frying pan the next day and It's guns out there. We're shooting guns. Wow. Who's fucking really fun. It was really really fun It kind of feels like Like one of those movies where you're where you're like the guy's been living by himself for Yeah, it actually is is that easy kind of crazy the guy He wasn't crazy. He was pretty cool. I think I don't know normal. I was pretty fucking okay. There we go I was really there we go. Wait. Let's go back to your blowjob and your orgasm. Okay, wait wait

I want to finish this I got nine stories going on my head So I'm on the waterfall and I actually took a moment and I turned around and I look in this canyon We're like 220 feet down, but I'm about to hit the ground I'm like this I'm the luckiest dude in the world like I am so lucky. I was like, you know what? Don't waste this moment enjoy it So I decided to kind of swing out and you know have a little fun on the repel and what happened was my feet hit I have a little fun on the repel and what happened was my feet hit algae and I slipped and as soon as I slipped I flipped upside down and then water started rushing I was getting water-borted and

I can't remember if I went to go get a GoPro or kind of change my I let go of the bottom hand Which is the one that holds you steady and I And I just wanted to like grab something, but I was like, I was drowning. It was an instinct. Second, this hand went down. I just, and I hit the ground. And there's the back. That's when I landed on my back. And I immediately was like, I just broke my back. You really thought that?

I, my first thought was I just broke my back. And what was your actual, like, did you go to the ER from there? Yeah. Went to the, I had to crawl hands and knees out of a canyon. Like I said, I remember saying to my buddy Paul, who's our EP, I was like, you know, you think you're safe and you're like, I remember saying, so what's our exit strategy? And he was like, I didn't plan on you falling. He's like, we don't have one. I was like, well, can we get a chopper in here?

You got me out? And he was like, I guess. And I was like, well, can we get a chopper in here to get me out? And he was like, I guess. And I was like, wait, what are we doing? And he goes, I don't know. I even, we didn't plan for tragedy. Like no one plans for that, you know? Yeah, but you should, right? We had a conversation about that afterwards. Like, we should definitely think about our problems.

Yeah, what you think about injuries happening out in the wild? Yeah, and so we called them and they were like, and we called the forest rescue or whatever. And they were like, yeah, we can't get a chopper into you. Like you're in a canyon. Like you need to get yourself out of that canyon. So there's like figure it out. Figure it out.

And so I crawled hands and knees up a 220 foot climb. It was those moments where you say, like I'm unable to do this. You know, like working out where they're like, all right, one more set and you're like, I can't do it this. You know, like working out where they're like, all right, one more set, you're like, I can't do it anymore. And then you get through it or something. Right.

I remember being on my hands and knees crawling out going, this is, I can't do this. I couldn't lift my legs up. If I lifted my legs up, I couldn't stand. And was it, like, when you, when you got out, was it straight to the hospital? No, well, I got to the top of the trail head. And then, and then they had to come in,

they took my blood pressure, it was like 150 over 110, and they're like, we're afraid he's gonna stroke out. They're like, we can't let him walk out. And I was like, I think I can crawl out. And I could get myself in a position where it didn't hurt. And I was like, please let me do that. And they're like, no, we need to put you on a board. I remember these girls came up, and they're like, I heard them. I'm they're like, no, we need to put you on a board. I remember these girls came up and they're like,

I heard them. I'm in the thing, I'm crying. I think I've broken my back. I'm crying. Everyone's in panic on my crew. No one knows what to do. And these girls were hiking and they're like, see this is film crew and they're like,

what is this? And you know, one of my guys is just trying to get pussy and he was like, oh, we're shooting a show for travel channel. And they're like, what show to get pussy and he was like, oh, we're shooting a show for travel channel. And they're like, what show is it? And they're like, triple at peace, the host, Bert Kreischer. And they're like, is he famous?

And they're like, I mean, he's like a podcast or whatever. And they're like, what's wrong with him? And they're like, he fell, he broke his back. And they're like, oh, cool. Hey, hey, and I'm watching them take pictures of me. Like I'm watching them take pictures of me. Yeah. And then one girl goes, does not know I heard them and goes, hey, we I'm watching them take pictures of me. Like I'm watching them take pictures of me. And then one girl goes, does not know I heard them

and goes, hey, we're really big fans. Is it cool if we get a picture with you? And I was like, I was so blown away, I went, sure. I'm crying and two girls get down to take a picture with me. Yeah. It's gonna die. He's gonna die.

And then I got in the, I got, man, everything, the whole track. He'll go walk again. It was terrifying. And then they gave me fucking delotted and it went away. What's delotted? It's like pharmaceutical heroin.

And it, I mean, it, so what was the, was there an injury? Like an actual. Contusion, back contusions. But it was, it was all the muscles were fucked. I mean, that night, there's so much to this story that I did is like almost crazy, but that night I got in bed and I went to sleep and I was on Delauded

and I was taking value and then I doubled up with an oxy cotton and so, and I had had a drink and I had a drink. They got, after they gave me the Delauded and the oxy and the value, I felt really great. Oh, sure. And I was like, let's finish the segment. So we went out and met up with these people at this restaurant and I was value, I felt really great. Of sure. And I was like, let's finish the segment. So we went out and met up with these people

at this restaurant and I was walking. I was totally fine. I was like, I'm great. I'm like, I'm, guys, I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be fine. I had a fucking couple drinks. I was like, I feel fucking amazing. Went back to my room.

Pat, I was like, that was a close call. Passed out woke up in like five in the morning and I couldn't get, I couldn't move. My, I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't roll. I couldn't move and I had't get out of bed, I couldn't roll. Yeah. I couldn't move and I had to piss. I just pissed in the bed. Are you serious?

Just pissed in the bed. And then it went to sleep. And started crying again. Because I couldn't move and I was having panic attacks. I couldn't move. I couldn't move. Like I, I can move my arms like this. You pissed the bed.

I pissed the bed and I was just sitting there crying and they thought I was dead. So the crew just came and they're like, we're burnt for call. They knocked on the door, they opened the door, and there I am fucking in bed going, can someone please help me? And they're like, okay, we're not shooting anymore. They're like, we wrapped. I think we shot, we ended up shooting a... How long did you stay in that room for?

I left, we've... You got on a plane from there? Do you want another crazy part of this story? Yeah, sure so They call the am and they're like hey This is gonna make her sound like a total cut This is gonna make her sound like a total cut but I'm just gonna tell it the way it is sure So I I got a funny I got a funny, I got a funny story

about Leanne on the phone yesterday. Don't forget. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, they, they wrap. They're like, we're not flying the frying pan. We're not doing any of that. We're gonna send you home.

So they're calling in and they're like, Hey, bird is really hurt. We've got a lot of pills for him. He's gonna be fine. He can probably travel and get himself home. But after that, we're going to take some time off so he can rest until he can shoot again, like probably two weeks, three weeks. She's like, okay, don't send him home. And they're like, what? She's like, send him to Aspen. And they're like, what? She's like, he's got a corporate. He's got to do a gig.

And they're like, he's really hurt. He's like, it's 25 grand, I'm meet him in Denver. Like, he flew to Denver. She's a boss dude. She's like, he's like, honey, 25 grand is a lot of money. You know this and this for a fucking hurt back. She's like, and you're like, I think it might be broken.

Well, you can stand for an hour. Yeah, it's 25 grand. It's 25 grand. It's 25 grand. That's fucking, that's 20, but it's braces for both girls. That's 25 grand. So she flew to Denver, she flew to Denver with,

with Ila, I met her in Denver. They picked me up at the airport. They got us a flight to Aspen. No, I think we drove to Aspen. We drove to Aspen no, I think we drove to Aspen we drove to Aspen I Was like I'm out of school you fucking kidding me. I loved it. I like out all new ski clothes She went I went I went skiing she had a fucking blast and I did the gig and I was really hurt for the gig And it was a very it was like a court hedge fund. I didn't even know what hedge fund was at the time

And there and she was like listen these guys are huge fancierers, but they're very rich and they're time is precious. So, like go up, fuck around, but like, I wouldn't do like an hour. I think they just want a party. And I was like, okay, so I went up, I started fucking around with the guys, like messing around. And one guy just goes, all right, tell the machine.

I go, what? He goes, tell the machine, then we'll go drink. Let's do it, tell the machine. And I was like, excuse me, he's like, come on, tell the fucking, he got involved with rush, I'm about to tell it. So I told the machine, I'm'll go drink. Let's do it, tell the machine. And I was like, excuse me, he's like, come on, tell the fucking, he got involved with us, you might tell it. So I told the machine, I'm like, all right,

we're done, let's go party. That was it. And that was it, 25 grand of tell the machine, then go drink with these guys. That's a fucking good day. I had a fucking, and we made the money, and Leanne's like, I told you, I get you in and out. Let's go home.

She'd be a good manager. She was. I remember her, I remember going, send him, I remember them saying, you're not going home. And I was like, I'm definitely going home. And then I actually going to Denver, she's going to take you to Aspen. And I was like, I'm doing the corporate.

She's like, it's 25 grand. This is like, this is different. I forgot if I've told this, but like, when I got here, you know how, there's a LA hiking culture. And by hiking, I'm talking about, if you've never been here or maybe you have, there's a LA hiking culture. And by hiking, I'm talking about, if you've never been here or maybe you have, there's all these like, there's Fryman Canyon, Runion Canyon and it's basically,

it's accessible all year, it's outdoors, it's great exercise and it's kind of a scene. You know? And so like when I got here, you don't know that many people, I knew more people from acting class because I did the groundlings and I did this other acting class. Groundlings?

Yeah, I did a few levels of it. I turned down writing lab twice and then they don't call you again. Oh, really? Yeah, so you graduate levels and writing lab was one of the next ones before Sunday company and before you're in the thing. And I had started doing stand up and getting paid,

like $50, you know? But I was like, when they were like, come do this, I was like, I have to distraction from what I'm trying to do now. So, yeah. But one of the guys, he wasn't in the groundlings, but I met a guy through somebody else through going on these hikes, right?

Like these morning hikes. And he was an actor He came here from somewhere on the east coast. I want to say like New Hampshire wrote Island or something and and we were on this bike and he told me he goes you know My first day in LA my first day I went on a hike and got bit by a rattlesnake And I was like, what? And he goes, dude. He told me the story that I was like, holy shit.

So he's on a hike. He gets bit by a rattlesnake and is immediately reacting, right? Like immediately reacting to the venom. He ends up halfway down the mountain and he's having trouble. like they they run into other hikers who don't help. They're like, they're like, oh, I don't want any to do with this. He's like, no, I'm going to die. They're like, I'm sorry. So when he finally gets down, they're having trouble accessing him because of like where the trail is. That's the thing.

They're like, we can't get him on the trail. You gotta get down. You gotta get yourself down. Get down. That's the fucking, yeah. And this guy's got poisonous venom like, and it's heart-raising now. Oh my God.

He finally, he does get down. He's like, it's a whole ordeal just to get me out of there. Get to the hospital. He's conscious and he's, you know know talking to that doctor and the doctor goes um Hey, we should we should call your parents and he goes now I don't want to worry them and that he goes no no we should call your parents so that you could say goodbye In case this doesn't work out and he's like what and the doctor is, yeah, yeah, yeah, like this is really serious. So let's call them. So they call his parents and they're like, hey, how's LA? He's like, I might

die today. Oh my god. And then they are in a full panic and they're like, what happened? They tell us what happened. The doctors in front of him and they're like, you know, we're treating him and we hope that, you know, this gets resolved, but it might not. So he's like, you know, we're treating him and we hope that, you know, this gets resolved, but it might not. So he's like, you know, you should get on a flight, but by the time you come out here, he might not be alive. And so they're fully bawling and, you know, I think this is before even face timing because this is like, er, it's got to be, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so they're just on the phone just like, all right, we're a plane and he was like that was 24 hours after like I'm moving to LA Like that was the first thing that happened to him was getting bit by a rattlesnake By the way not even comparing to that. Yeah, my first move to LA I come out and I'm standing to Universal Sheridan and I got a meeting at Fox, right? We're pitching I'm pitching with Will Smith and my buddy Croy says hey, let's go for hike and I'm standing in the Universal Sheridan and I got a meeting at Fox, right? We're pitching. I'm pitching with Will Smith and my buddy, Kroy says, Hey, let's go for a hike and I'm like, great, we're pitching it like three and and I go I go for a hike with him and run in and he's in great shape and him and this guy sire just jogging. Yeah, and I get lost and I think I'm lost in like the woods

Like I think I'm I'm think I'm Like I think I'm thinking I'm like, I'm gonna have to live up here. Like I'm starting to panic, because I can't, we're up where the backbone part, like you know, you take the side thing, and you go up so many different ways. Yeah, and once you're familiar with it, you're like, oh, it's pretty much up and down all everywhere you go.

I am so fucking lost, I'm so panicking, I'm going through bushes, like going up, and I'm freaking out and I hear a voice And I'm like oh my god. Oh my god. I go running to this voice and it's two person women in flats and they're like jeans on and I'm like Wait, how did you guys get up here? And they're like the parking lot? And I was like wait, there's a parking lot So wait, so let's get back to blowjob. Okay, so tap, tap, tap. Okay, she's laughing. She goes, this may not be the time to talk about this, but you're-

While her dicks in your hand. Yep. You're dicks in her hand. This may not be the time to talk about this, but your mom's house, and I thought she was talking about my mom's house. Yes, you're not there. I really don't want to talk about this.

She goes, no one, I think it's important. I go, maybe let's not talk about my mom before blowjob. She was like, oh, not your mom, your mom. And I went, what? She goes, your, I think it's important. I go, baby, let's not talk about my mom before a blowjob. She was like, oh, not your mom, your mom. And I went, what? She goes, you're mom's house. And I went, oh my God. Yes. And then I had heard, push the other day going, like,

we got to get Leanne in here to talk about her blowjobs. And I was, and she's like, I brought it up. And then that book is like, so we're gonna talk about the book. I haven't read it in 18 years. And I was like, oh, freshen up. Yeah. And so the whole point of this whole fucking story was that she had in my deck and I had,

and she's like, your mom's house? And I was like, I don't wanna talk about my parents. And how was your orgasm? It was great. And then I realized sometimes a really good orgasm for me, a really good orgasm for me, my brain will say something crazy. It'll just go like, so long it's electives. And you're like, what?

Like, rope. Like just, it'll really like, it's almost like free word association. Today, what orgasms said, you've been the Norway. I don't know if you're hearing your head. And I've been the Norway, and I envision what it was like to be a Norway. I've been the Norway.

I've been the Norway. I've been the Norway. Your brain is blessing an occurs. Oh, I've been the Norway. So brain is a blessing and a curse. Oh, I'm in Norway. So here's my Leanne funny thing. Okay, yeah. It was your birthday? Yes, yes, yes.

I got you an awesome present. The best present anyone got me, yes. The best present and I did not hold back sharing that from my family. Yeah, yes, which makes me very happy. Yes. So we can just say it, you turned 56. I've turned 48.

48, sorry. Yep, 40. And what's it like to be inching? Like, you feel like you're really close to 50. I feel very far away. You do feel far away? Because Leanne's 50. So I don't feel like I'm going to be moving close to her.

You're 50. I got two years. Yeah. I almost didn't count this particular. We had the same kind of thing, because I get to watch Christina be. And then when she turned 40, and then she turned 40, one Because I get to watch Christina be, and then when she turned 40, and then she turned 41, I was still in my third,

and then she turned 42, and I was like, what's in your 40s? I would say it to all the time. I was like, you know who, you know who, like I connected with on this? It's Michaelian Black. Yeah. Michaelian Black's wife's two years, three years older.

Yeah. And I remember saying, I hate that my wife's older, and he was like me too. I was like really, and he goes, yeah, he's yeah, he's like he's like cuz they always talk about aging. You're like I'm still young Yeah, I'm younger. Can you keep that shit to yourself? Sure, I remember Leann kept going I'm 50. I go stop saying that out loud like cuz then people think I'm 50 Somebody messaged me that a day and they're like you're 40 when they go I honestly thought you were 60 To me

What it so much like to me the other day? Yesterday like, oh, Shane Gillis was like, was like, you don't look 48, you look like 45. I was like, no, that's not a huge fucking difference. Not a big difference at all. So, okay, so let's go through your birthday. You, I assume the kids what they write cards, they give you, make you cake. Nope, nope, nope, so let's go through your birthday. You, I assume the kids, what they write cards, they give you, make you a cake.

Nope, nope, right? And I did, my daughter's did nothing. Okay, fantastic. My daughter's did nothing. Yeah. Nothing, they, Ila forgot it was my birthday. Awesome. And so like, at lunch, she was like,

why are we, because my manager read Senator Regret, I was actually a really great gift. Good gifts are thoughtful and I think He's this lunch from this great dinner Italian Italian mother fucking stuttering this Italian like deli in Glendale He sent over lunch and it was great because it showed up and I got to sit down and have lunch with my daughters which I would not have had and I love was like,

what's this for? And mom, my old aunt's like, it's Dad's birthday and she goes, oh, happy birthday. And I was like, that's how you want to say it. Oh, happy birthday. George just said happy birthday the first thing in the morning. I got my present Sunday. So from the girls and it was an iPad, which, you know,

interestingly enough, at the beginning of the pandemic, I was like, I wish I had an iPad because everyone's on their iPads. And they're like, oh, and then Leanne puts it in her head. She's like, great birthday, present for birth. Yeah. And I it is funny, though, when you think of the fact that you could just be like, oh, I want an iPad. Ah, that's what I said. I was like, I could I want an iPad. That's what I said. I was like, I could have bought this from myself. Like, the thing about a gift, it's gotta be something. And this is where I think, if we're gonna talk

about the LGBTQ community, I think they have it fucking right when it comes to same sex, getting same sex presence. I don't think women, and this is gonna sound a new age-y progressive. I don't think women should and this is gonna sound a new AG progressive. I don't think women should be buying presents for men. And I don't think men should be buying presents for women. I think men should buy presents for men, and women should buy presents for women.

I think I'd have something there. And I think the LBG2 community was five steps ahead of us. I bet if you talked to gay dudes. By being gay. By being. I think it might be more natural to be gay when it comes to receiving presents. I bet if you talk to gay dudes. They probably buy the best presents for all of you.

I bet gay dudes give gay dudes the best fucking present. Now you're onto something. Yes. And I think if you're a woman and you're thinking about getting your man something, you should call up a gay guy first. Call up a gay guy. Call up a dude. I'm thinking about getting my man something to call up a gay. Call up a gay guy. Call up who do?

I'm thinking about getting my man this. You see how he responds. There's so much about like, that I, as a kid, when you hear about homosexuality, everyone, like your uncle tells you, you're not gay, are you? And you're like, what? And he's like, they fucking the button and they die.

And you're like, that sounds terrifying. I hope I'm not gay. This happened at Santa Bel Island. Santa Bel Island. Shout out to Uncle, I won't say your name, but you know who you are. So you get the iPad. It is a thoughtful gift and iPads are great.

I'm gonna buy myself one, but this one's in great. With all the nicknames they have, it's Happy Birthday Feetus. And I was like, oh cool. Yeah, well, you know, it're great. This one's engraved with all the nicknames they have missed. Happy birthday, Fetus. And I was like, oh, cool. Yeah, well, you know, it's memorable. So your boy though, I hook you up with a fucking dope ass e-bike. Not only by the way, this is how thoughtful it is. Well, a picture, this thing's fucking amazing.

This is how thoughtful it is. I also did you notice that your seat is big and cushioning? Yes. I hadn't swapped out the seats. I had them swap out. It's not on there, is it? No, you didn't post it, right? No, no, no, no, no, I didn't post it.

Yeah, I was gonna do a video today. Yeah. But give him the video. Oh, the video, okay, you're right. So wait, I wanna call a gay guy and find out how great their presence are. Okay. Because all I could think,

I mean, I was riding this bike around today. So I'm gonna tell you this bike, this bike's got big tires, right? Black bike, big battery pack in the center. It's got a little throttle here on your thumb, which you can go, it's got five speeds. So it's a pedal assist. So if you start the pedal, it goes from one to five.

I had put it on five today, Leanne put it on five when I took my first pedal and I left my driveway at 15 miles per hour. I was hauling ass. They haul ass goes 30 miles per hour and it is funny shit and all I could do as I cruised through my neighborhood on a beautiful autumn morning, smiling ear to ear the day after my birthday. Still a little buzz from last night with a coffee in me. Smiling, I thought, I don't ever want my family to buy me a gift again. I want them to take that money and send it to Tom and say, do with it what you will make bird happy.

I knew it's like, here's the thing. When I got one, you remember, because I college, I was like this. I think I said that in the video. I said that I said, you called me from a mountain top and you were I was like almost like you discovered Christ You're like dude these things fucking rock you know I'm like I am having so much fun They're it is so much fun that I was literally and I bought you a way better one than I had it got myself okay this thing I get out of my driveway and I didn't know the pedal assist is,

I've written like a pedal assist at bikes with Steve Fury and Dave Williamson and man, like we did it on, and they sucked, we couldn't get him to work. And so I assumed that what would be a little bit, but the second you moved the pedal, the engine kicks in. Yeah. And I had it at a five and I flew out of my fucking drive way. I terrified, I was like, this is a lot. Yeah, yeah. And then I found the thing and I had it at a five and I blew out of my fucking driveway. I terrified. I was like this is a lot

Yeah, yeah, and then I found the thing and I was like fuck pedals. We're just punching it Yeah, and I was cruising through my neighborhood. Oh, here it is Who sent it? Okay, this is us And your friend Tommy bun Tommy bun Santa Spryd Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking sick? Do you know he called me one time and he was like bird?

You gotta get this like are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious? That's how a bread is ever You serious are you excited shut the fuck up? Oh? My god, you know he called me he called me from the top of the mountain with a stupid bike helmet on. And he was like, he's like, buddy, you gotta get one of these. These things are amazing. I mean I'm seriously, it's like riding a motorcycle. Oh are you shitting me? Got the fat tires? Yeah.

Oh you're charging it right now? Yeah, as a charge. No, he's delivered. It has to charge for six hours before you can ride it So I'm definitely getting drunk and riding this thing Yeah, are you excited? Oh my god Best birthday ever this by by the way, I swear to god I'm not saying like if we were gay couple. I'm just saying

The sex might be okay, but the presents will be through the fucking room I mean he knows me so much better than you do. Shut up, I gave you a great gift. This is all... Man, this is insane. Oh, charge me. Have the girl seen it? Yeah.

Oh, you know who's gonna want to ride this? Yeah. Fucking George off. Burn, burn, burn, burn. Oh, this is out of this world. Anything you want to say to Tommy? I love you The best president oh

Employs, employs, no, but Tommy thank you Yeah, that's the best president I've ever gotten that tires I had to swap out the the seat and then I was like I need some storage like he's gonna pick up like a fucking dozen donuts put a little pack so on the back Is the worst is when you go somewhere and you're like well how do I carry it back? So you got a little storage Compartment that things dope. Oh, it was the best price I've ever got. So this is what happened So yesterday the guy calls me and I go deliver it to his house and So he calls me he's's like, I'm there. And I go, okay, go knock on the door.

He knocks and he ends like, who are you? And I hear her. And he's like, I'm delivering this for Bert. She goes, you're delivering it. And then she's like, from who? And I'm like, it's Tom, it's me. So she goes, oh, she goes, what is this? And I go to E-bike.

She goes E-bike. He goes, you know he's fat, right? And I go, I go, I go, they're fun. She goes, I'd like him to have to pedal a little-bikes. I don't eat no e-bikes. I go, he's gonna have a blast on it. Yeah, she's a savage though, man. She is. You know, he's fat, right?

Yeah, I thought she said it loud too. Fucking, oh, that was the best man today driving around. I'm just like, I'm just flying. You can be your favorite thing. You get to go like, I was like, I'm gonna just do a lap. I did a lap so quick. I, there's a half mile little track around our neighborhood.

I did it so quick that I was like, let's go to the park. And then you were at the park in a second. It's so much fun. And you know, I have a new car and I did not want to drive that car. I want to take that bike here. So I was like, it is so fucking fun.

I told you, I want to get another e-bike. She goes, you have one. I go, this one's way cooler. I want to get one like this. She was you're gonna get another one I might get like four I'm gonna have a quiver. Yeah, I like there's just the best like I really think we need to figure out a program where Guys who consistently get shitty presents like myself. Yeah, like consistently. You know at one point The train Christina by the way, she was she'd be like oh, you know at one point, the way that we're going to train Christina, by the way, she would be like, oh, you know, like I got you this like cool photo.

And like, you know what I mean? Like, yeah. That kind of, I was like, yeah, but where's like that? Where's the wow factor? And she's like, what do you mean? I'm like, spend some fucking money. Yeah, that's the thing.

That's what I want you to get me something that I go, oh shit, this is a good thing. Father's Day, Father's Day, Leanne you to get me something that I go. Oh shit. This is father's day father's daily and used to say The girls got you presents and so I was like cool. She goes and what's great is I let them pick them out I go hold on I go hold on there both Under three feet tall. Yeah, so everything I'm getting is where all the cheap shit is right all the cheap shit in a store Is down there all the expensive stuff stuff. I go, I'm just getting the t-shirts at Target that they could see.

And so I was like, I don't want that shit. I was like, I want cool shit. Cool shit. Yeah, exactly. You're right, guys can buy, because what happens is a guy buys a gift that he wants. Yes, so that's what I sent you, something that I would want.

Tom, I'm on the bike today going, this is our next challenge. I've got to do better than him for his birthday. I love it. Because your birthday last year I had porn stores send you. That was awesome. Send you a happy birthday wish. That was all, and by the way, I had this fucking guy set up

to say happy birthday, shit in his hand, and then rub it on his face. And if that was true? Yeah. Good. and then rub it on his face. And it fell through. Yeah. Good. And so today I come home and I'm, she's, Leon's like, what are you googling?

And I was like, I'm, I'm, I'm think I'm gonna buy Tom a boat. It's like what? I go, I want to get into the point where it's so ridiculous. Yes. With our birthdays that we don't even think about our families. We're like, hold on, what's Tommy getting me this year? I got birthday helicopter. A helicopter ride?

No. Oh, so that's high. I can't wait. When's your birthday? April 16th. I can't wait for your birthday. I'm literally going to put it aside a nest egg. Good.

Let it grow. Put the money in now so it grows. Here's the deal with our birthdays, okay? Yeah, we have to spend more than the person that just bought it the year before So the year before so now I've got to out I've got to spend more than this and we're gonna keep going What are we talking about can I tell you on the bike that I came up with this plan? I was like you realize when we turn like 70 it'll be like I said like I would I go I wish we had started this one We were 20 because then we be happy I was like I don't would I go I wish we had started this one with your 20 because then we be I was like I don't have enough birthdays to buy enough gifts

This is a good one. This is gonna be a great one. I want I want my every birthday every birthday will be like I'll wake up be like where's Berks? Yeah, where's Berks? I'm like I got you an iPad and I'm like Get the fuck out of the way yeah, I wrote up. Why fine. I might oh did you draw a card the fuck out of here way. Yeah, yeah. Get everyone up, wifi. I might, oh, did you draw a card? The fuck out of here. We should start this. We should pair people up with birthday guys. That's a good idea. And guys need it more. Cause women are easy.

Women you just like, you know, oh, I remembered that you said you love pink. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I got you this one. Or you're like me and you don't buy them gifts anymore. You just stop. I stopped. Well, yeah, because you have a, you don't deserve a gift. Cause you went out of your way don't buy them gifts anymore. You just stop. I stopped. Well yeah, because you have a-

You don't deserve a gift. Because you went out of your way to get that tracksuit thing. And she fucks shit all night. And I said, that's your last gift. I hope you enjoyed it. Yep. I hope you enjoyed shitin' on it because you don't get anything.

What about the girls though? Do you still get stuff for the girls? Oh, I blow it out of the water for them. You do. And I know them so well. But it's fun to do it for your daughters. I'm sure. And by the way, I buy them gifts all the time.

They're like, like I got got, I love a bow and arrow for Christmas. And she was like, oh, and I'm like, we're gonna shoot the fuck out of things. And George was like this, we'd hucka'm I didn't I got one too? And so I love buying them gifts. Leanne, the last for her 50th birthday, I just sent, I just sent someone over with jewelry. And I said, just pick it out.

I'm not mad at it. And I'm gonna have this. And then by the way, I said, the lady was like, she's like two things. I was like, get the other one for Christmas. And I'm done. I'm so bothered by like buying her gifts because she is, Leanne's got this very brutally honest

approach of life when she is super enjoyable if you're writing a script, but if you're living life, you don't want someone going. You dance stupid when you're super enjoyable if you're writing a script, but if you're living life, you don't want someone going, you dance stupid and you're like, I was enjoying myself. I wish you didn't call it out, but I'm glad you did. I'm glad to know that I can no longer dance at parties. I'm funny you.

Yeah, well, I'm just saying, don't you want to know? You're like, no, I didn't want to know. I did my first play I ever did. I did a play. I just started dating Leanne. I'm very proud of myself. I get in first play I ever did. I did a play. I just started dating Leanne. I'm very proud of myself. I get in the car. I've never been in a play.

I remember all my lines. I sit down and I was like, and we'd just been dating. Like I mean, maybe like four months, three months. Hey, we can go, I had a little to sit down and I look at her and I just, what did you think? She goes, you can't act. And I went, excuse me? And she was like, I mean, I'm just saying you can't act.

And I was like, what do you mean, you're not a listener, you don't listen. All you're doing is like, you're being the big guy. Every time you say, it's like, wait till I talk and then bam! And then I was like, okay. And I was just, and she's like, what? Don't you want another truth? And I was like, not really.

Yeah, you can just go, you were amazing. Yeah. That's what everyone does. Right, right. Like, yeah, like if you want another truth? And I was like, not really. Yeah, you can just go, you were amazing. Yeah, that's what everyone does. Right, right. Like, yeah, like if you want to know, if you want someone's opinion, like even right now I go, yeah, that's harsh, but then I was like, that's probably a good analysis. I mean, it's a good, here's the problem is that it's

a definite good analysis. And I'm certain if you had to sit through an hour of listening to me going like this, this is me acting in that play. And then where do I show up? And so and so she was like, what are you doing? You're like, I'm waiting to talk. And so what's even crazier is that the LA Times wrote a review of our play that evening. Yeah. And they said the play is horrible. Everyone's horrible except for

Berkreicher. He steals the show. And then I was like, I like back up better than like my wife. Yeah, for sure. Butcher, he steals the show. And then I was like, I like that guy better than I like my wife. Yeah, for sure. But she was accurate in her assessment and then I learned to act better. So here's the problem is that, and by the way, this is actually a huge, a little foreign in our relationship right now,

her brutal honesty. Yeah. I'm like, I don't need it all the time, but she is doing it cause she loves you. And she doesn't want you to look foolish and she wants you to protect you. So like, so then when she does like something like the cabin, she loved the cabin.

Right. And I remember I was so scared to show it to her, because I was like, we can't fix it. So like we did something. Whatever it is it is. Whatever it is it is. And she started getting the cuts. And I give them to her say like, what do you think?

And I remember given her Donnell and Bobby was the first one she got randomly was the first one she got and I was like oh and she was Howling laughing and I was like oh, so it's good. She's like honey. This is great And I was like so okay, so I actually know it's good. Yeah, so it says like as I'm shitting on her to say This with a great thing is that when it says she's fucking honest, is that's great. It just hurts when you're in a relationship with sometimes. Yeah. And especially with presence.

So, but I really think, I really think, I'm really excited for my next birthday. I can't wait to see what you do for my 50th. You're afraid it's gonna be a big deal. It's gonna be fun. Yeah, it's gonna be really good. We need to pair dudes up. I was literally thinking of this on the bike ride.

We need to set up a system where, if there's a guy that's watching this that does not have a best friend, we can find, do you have any idea what it's gonna be like when I'm like, hey babe, birth's turning 50. So don't freak out that I'm spending $250,000. She's like, what? I'm like, I got to, we have a whole thing going on.

It's the things, and you show up on an elephant bird. Bird. Bird. Oh, we we can. Are you ready for Fiji tonight? Oh, I can't fucking wait. My daughter and then our wives grab their bags. We're like, no, no, no, no. Like we're going on. And they're like, what? I bet gay dudes buy the best presents for each other.

Let's ask him, hey, are you gay? Send us an email. Send us an email, two bears, one cave at Gmail, subject line, presence, and let us know some of the great presence you've either given or received because I bet it blows straight guy gifts out of the water. I bet. I think you're right about that, 100%. I bet it has to be Because it is the extension of,

I'm a guy, what do I want, that's awesome. And you just get it for the guy that you're with. Yeah, I said perfect. Last Christmas, I got a generator. Like, she got me a generator. Back up generator. Back up generator. I was like, ah, cool.

She was like, well, what if power goes on, man? What you always say, what if something happens? And I was like, I think, She was like, what if power goes what you always say what if something happens? And I was like, I think I think she's missing the points like I could buy that for myself. I could just go to myself a generator Also, like I don't want like like by the way emergency equip my Borderline thinking about editing this out because I know she's gonna be like wait you didn't like that generator Daddy told me the best one to buy. That's so funny. But it's like, and so she goes,

well, what were you wanting? Half a birthday, I got you in these six fire extinguishers. You're like, thanks. Well, you always said, I mean, it would suck if we had a house fire. That's true. Oh, that is true. I got you a blood pressure monitor.

You're like, cool. Four grand, isn't that some bullshit? I said, she goes, well, what were you thinking? I remember one Chris, one birthday. I thought I had a surprise coming to me. And then I never got, I like the present I got was I forget what it was, but it wasn't great. They killed it one year, they got me an owl.

But yeah, that was a good one. I remember when I got, actually when I got Christina to go, like I was, I was like, yeah, you know, these presents are like, mm, and she was like, well, I mean, what do you want? And it was, we were living in Rodondo, and I was like, you know, like iPad, like that, I was like, I was like, you're gonna have to spend something. Yeah.

So that I go, wow, this is fucking awesome. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I like like, you're gonna have to spend something so that I go, wow, this is fucking awesome. And I'm like, I'm like, I like gadgets, cool things. I said, give me a gun, get me a car. She did a good, she hid it. She like, she got me like fucking socks and shit. And I was like, oh, and then she's like, I thought you all, you know, you wanted like a new binder. And I was like, a fucking binder.

Oh, this is good. And I opened a bunch of stuff, I know it was an iPad. I was like, this is a good, you tricked me. I tricked this, I like that. I like that. But I like to be tricked into something cool, you know? Not like, you know, I knew you wanted a flashlight. You know, okay.

No, this flashlight, if you wind it up, it charges itself. Cool. I got that one. You know how you always listen to your keys? Well, this is a key chain that sends you a text and you're like great. That's fucking cool Well, no, but you lose your keys. Yeah, that dude. I big gig. I guess are through the fucking roof Let me take a quick piss break. Okay, and then we'll go. Oh, we haven't even talked about I know. Oh, yeah, okay A lot of times P brakes can be almost a sexual experience and that's what that was for me like, you know

Like I seriously Christina tells me she goes, I don't know anybody who enjoys their bodily functions more than I I will like I will you know I'll drive home from Braia and have and hold my pee and then like I'll be pissing and she's like Jesus Christ what are you doing in there I'm like oh this is a fucking two minute pee I love shitting so much yeah like if you said there was a pill I could take and I could shit twice as much as I already do you there is oh by the way um we need to get you on peptides. So can I ask you something? Oh, 100%. What the fuck?

I don't even understand what it is. I don't know either. Oh, good, but you have them. I'm doing it. And you don't know what you're taking. Can you like just Google like what are peptides? Google peptides. Peptides, let me tell you what I think they are.

They are naturally occurring amino acids that are in your body already that help produce regenerative like like it's anti-aging shit so it helps regenerative tissue. And I saw the photo that you sent and I saw I don't want to like you know but I saw I went to the guys website and he's like the guy. Yeah I don't want to blow the guy up. Yeah, I know. I'm sure he doesn't want me blowing him up. But, uh, but yeah, it's there. And what it does is it, from what I understand, is it takes amino acids that trigger the hypothalamus into producing just a little bit of extra HGH or growth hormone, right? So that it helps your body sleep. It helps your body give you energy, and it helps build muscle. And by the way, I am definitely inviting you guys to hit me up and tell me why I should not be using them or should be using them.

Because I'm equally curious. And Drew was saying that for a period of time, he had used them. A lot of people use them orally. But they're not as effective orally as the injection. The orally gets dissolved in the stomach and it doesn't get into the bloodstream as much as the injection does. And you look at people that are using peptides and you can tell a difference.

What are the side effects? What are they? Diarrhea, itchiness. I don't have so much. I don't mind diarrhea though. Yeah. Itchiness in affected area, increased water retention. That's if you're, by the way, that's if you in affected area increased water attention. That's if you're if you're by the way

That is if you are fucking loading up on them this guy the fucking guy is very light on them And then is he starts you off in very light so that you can kind of find out where you are Dry mouth don't none of these start none of these the other day and you don't want a day you do one you do five You do by the way. I hope to God what I'm saying is not illegal What would it be illegal? I don't know well how many how I'll be you do five days on two days off five days on two days But is it one injection a day? Yeah, okay. Yeah into your tongue and so you're tongue but A slew of peptides are now banned

I found the peptides I'm taking and they're all pretty common. They're not like horrible. Is it, I don't know. Are you feeling any different? No, yeah. I just, I'm gonna put a couple days in. Okay. But yeah, so I've talked to Drew about it and Drew's like,

I don't know, man. We should really look at these. Leanne's not taking hers yet. Leanne got him for anti-aging and then I was like, I go, don't do it. She's like, why? I was like, I like, don't do it. She was like, why? I was like, I like what you look like, and I don't want you to look younger,

and then also when you stop, you drop off and turn into a fucking old hag. Like, can you imagine her like, like they work, they work, and then you're like, you look fucking awesome, you look awesome, you're like, I'm done taking them in the next mate, morning she wakes up just going, ah, where's the ring?

Yeah, never mind. Yeah, just don't even start. So wait, let's talk about this. So a couple weeks ago, we actually did stand up at the Rose Bowl. Or excuse me, outside of the Rose Bowl. Outside of the Rose Bowl. An outdoor drive-in show. The largest concert held on the West Coast this year.

Yes. I just got a sense March. Yes. The largest cost since March. Since March. Since March. It was. Some of you went, thank you for coming. To me, it's a very different thing. Like you have been doing these tour.

You are the driving guy, especially in the world of the coming. You've done a lot of them. I mean, you've been a tour all year. Everybody who follows this knows that. You've been on the road. And really, I think, everybody who follows this knows that you've been on the road and really, I think, built that business like from the ground. That's Mark Reble, too. You have Mark Reble, yeah.

Mark Reble is the, in minus A's right there. Reble, yeah. He did, so I did one on Thursday. I think he did one Wednesday. Yeah, yeah. Same venue, same thing. His show apparently is amazing. He's a fucking amazing performer.

I've never seen it because we're working up the same day. He's an amazing performer. But he does it, if I'm not mistaken, and I don't want to give anything away, but I think he does it from a box. I mean, he can create a fucking soundtrack just with his keyboard, his looping machine, everything's brand new. And it's like, yeah. So what I understand, he does it.

So this was the big knock on drive-ins initially. And a lot of people didn't buy tickets when I went on tour because some celebrities were doing satellite drive-ins, meaning like they would do record a show. Garth Brooks did that. And you're like, Garth Brooks was like, I'm doing a hundred city drive-in.

Everybody was like, oh wow. And then he was like, you go there and you get your ticket I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed.

I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed.

I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. I showed. screen box at the drive-in and he's talking about things that are going on. So you got a phone line on stage so that people in that show could call him on stage and he could talk to people at the show. He's a really interesting guy. His brain works very different and it's cool. Like I remember when and I'll be very honest. We did something like I guess Mark does a, he has a golf cart take him to stage

or maybe he did once on that Wednesday show. They're like, he does a thing with a golf cart and I was like, oh, we have golf carts and they're like, yeah, and I was like, oh, I'm gonna do a big entrance on the golf cart and then you realize, I couldn't because it was dark when my show started. Yeah. So you couldn't see me.

And so then we had this golf cart floating around and I was like, you know what we need to do? Is do a meet and greet on the golf cart. And so that's, because like other people did meet and greets, but here's the thing that I took away from these. Like I thought this before, and then being there,

I was like, I'm correct. What's that? It is a total Burke experience. Oh yeah. It is, like when you're there, you're like, this is by and for Burke. Oh. I mean, every element of it.

Like, when you started telling me about these, like when you started doing them, I was like, yeah, I don't wanna do those. And you're like, it's awesome. The people are tailgating. And I was like, I definitely don't wanna do it. And you're like, and they're like partying outside. And I was like, nope, our best.

The fucking greatest. And yeah, and everything that you told me, I was like, I was like, that's you. And then I got to see it in person. And I'll be, you already know this. I was super reluctant to do this. I was like, I don't wanna do this. But I'll say this, man, I really was proud of you

because I saw it as something that you had built and done. And I saw you in your element, and the whole thing to me screamed, Bert, from the outdoor element of people there, and they're sitting on their pickups, and some of them are like, they're fucking grilling, and they have their beers, and then the big screens, and I was like,

man, this really is so beautiful. It's a beautiful setting. The sun setting over the mountains, everyone's sitting watching a beautiful sunset, it gets dusk, then the show starts, everyone's got beers, they're all wrapped up in blankets and the back of their trucks. I mean, it's just, it's like everything I love about.

It's everything you love. It's everything I love that I didn't know stand up could have in it. Yeah, and I didn't think I could have it in here. And then we do the show. And it's, you know, that's the other thing is I was also reluctant because I was like, I haven't done a lot of stand up this year.

Yeah. And I had a special come out. So I haven't been like doing as much. I did a week end of shows before. I did the six shows in O.K.C. And I was like, all right, at least I feel a little warmed up. And then it is a difference because you were telling me, you're like, oh, you know, you won't hear the audience.

This is what you told me when I was like, what? Like how do you even... You won't hear the, there's, well, I think we had what, like 2000, three ton of, we had like over a thousand cars and every car average, like four people. Yeah, so there's, there's thousand, but you have to remember like,

when you go see Stand Up at a Club or Theater, there's a cadence and a rhythm, and it's all based on say something, hear something. And then you pause, you push through it, it's all that dance. So on these outdoor shows, you might hear the people in the front who are sitting outside their cars, which is like 50 to 100 people.

Yeah. And then that's it. It's like everybody else. It's like you're performing for a intimate club. Yeah, but it's 4,000 people. Which like it doesn't even register in your mind. You know who I ended up like reacting the most to? The stage hands.

Oh yeah. Cause I would hear a big joke and then you would just hear a guy six feet away from you going like, ha ha ha ha ha. Like that. Because I would hear a big joke and then you would just hear a guy six feet or you'd raise him, you'd go, I'm like, ah, ah, like that. And you're like, oh, okay. Stage hands were dying during your set because I was,

I didn't hurt it. And they literally, and their big laughers are all good, real good since I humor. And I was sitting in the back listening to yours in the sound booth. So there's sound booth behind the stage. I was with those guys.

Maybe they were doing the screen, I forget. And me and the dude back there running the board were crying laughing together. Yeah. So you forget. But you're literally I'm up there doing this set and being like, I can hear 50 people laughing. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. And then you're telling yourself, oh, but there's a few thousand people out here. And you realize that there are people in their cars. Some people have their cars or inside their cars windows up because of COVID. And that's what I love about it also is that you're giving people the opportunity

to decide their comfortfulness. I talked to a guy after the show, I'm like, so what do you think? He's like, that's definitely weird. And it's definitely different than a normal show. And I was like, well, what do you mean? He goes, well, you know, there is like that environmental thing when you're at like a big theater, right?

He's like, so we would be in a car and like some things like he goes like, I would laugh at. Person next to me is not laughing. Sometimes we wouldn't laugh and you look in the people in the car next to you are laughing. Sometimes we're laughing really hard and they're not like, he's like, so it's, it's a very like isolated kind of experience. But also it's the experience that exists because of the world right now.

Like that is like what it is, man. The one thing that I'm very happy to be able to offer people is a chance of normalcy. So like my sister just had a baby. And so she has been pregnant for all of the old COVID. And she just had a baby during COVID. Coddy. Coddy.

And she's a second baby. A second baby. Beautiful blue eyes, black hair blue eyes. Yeah. This fucking kid's gorgeous. And so she said, she called me the next day and she was like, I had such a great time. I haven't been out of the house. I haven't done anything.

Yeah. And to be able to get out of the house and feel a little normal, go to the Rose Bowl. It's wild to get all the thank you, people thanking you and you're like, boom. It's like, yeah, and look, there's a ton of that where I can go, it's gonna sound virtue signally, but the stage hands are very grateful for the work, the guys working on the thing,

are very great to have job jobs, because that is their business, is putting on live shows, and there are no one's doing them. So they're very grateful. The people, all your management, all your team, all your bus driver, everyone's working. That's like a really great thing.

And then mostly what I think is to allow the people that like myself, I'm just saying this right now, I wanna see a lot of concerts. I wanna go out and be normal. I wanna go out with my wife. I would love to come pick you and push up and have Leanne LeCarrne and go see a fucking live show. It would be great.

At a fucking concert. I would go to that for a music show. I think it would be fun as soon as you could. It would be. Heartbeat. So the other thing is, okay. So it is a bird night. It's a very experienced.

We're grilling ribs by our bus. So that's the thing is you've always told me about that, but I've always been like, what? Because I go, look, our bus lives are very different. I mean, like the way you do the bus and the way I do the bus, I like. That's when you walked on our bus, you're like, oh my God, you guys lip in this bus.

This is chaos. I mean, my bus looks like a fucking, like a infectious disease doctor lives on the bus. And that's not even during COVID. Like, it is just clean. And first of all, like, there's like two people, I don't even like like a stranger getting like a friend. If someone brings a friend and like, it's my friend, I'm like, cool, won't you wait outside. Yeah. I don't even let people come on the bus. Like, your bus looked like a dorm room. Oh yeah. It was just shit everywhere, everywhere. Everywhere.

And I was like, how many people are sleeping on it? You go, fuck seven. I'm like, oh my. Seven people sleep on our bus. God. So total chaos in that regard. Then you've always found out the group Dave Williamson. Let me just say this man.

That is some of the best. I'm serious. Some of the best barbecue I've ever had. And I'm not I'm not an amateur with this. Like I travel all over the country. I always seek it out. K C Texas Carolina. You know, any of those cities you hit it out. I mean, Dave it has a gift. That shit was. And then you guys are like, we this every night. I literally might want to. Dave groups every night he puts. He'll get up. Brits kid baby back ribs.

I mean, he made different ones. I was like, he made two different types of ribs for you guys, because he made. I can't stop thinking about it. They were the best. I mean, I was watching push just fucking go down on a bridge. He was like, have you brought one? I was like, yeah, that's every time we pull into a city,

San Antonio, we pull. Amazing, man. He gets up early. We pull in the bus, comes in at like eight in the morning, Dave's up, pulls out the smoker, puts a brisket on, goes back to bed and lets it sit there. And then after the show, we come out. He made an 18 pound wagyu brisket

because Rogan was gonna come out to San Antonio. And so he's like, we hit a brogan, we're like, hey man, come do a show with us. And he's like, I love to. I don't know if I'm getting back from a hunt on time. But let's see, I'll do San Antonio. So Dave's like, dude, I got this 18 pound Wagyu brisket, I'll make it for Rogan.

So we get to purly makes that 18 pound Wagyu brisket. It is, to this day, my mouse watering. It felt, we actually heated some up for you that night. It melted in your mouth. It really, listen, I mean, it was, it really was something. I was like, oh my God, so this is like, okay, you guys are doing this every night?

Every night. So, so crazy. Every night, Dave, smoking something. We're filming everything, we're having cocktails, like everyone starts drinking the second. Yeah, your whole thing is a different, but this is what I want to get to. So it's like, there's that part of it.

There's the part, there's the drinking. The best is when I got off stage and you were like, I can tell you've done a lot of these. Yes. Cause my, like my momentum is like, I'm, I'm almost like, if I have a joke that I know is funny and I'm here ton of laughs, I go, it's killing. Oh yeah.

Well, it's, no, I mean, you had the, I've been doing, like there's a thing like, when you do oddball, I mean, you had the, I've been, like there's a thing like when you do oddball, if you ever do oddball, they're like the big amphitheatre tour, what we would do is because you would have people come on and off of it, right? And when someone's first day,

we're like, have you done these? And they go, no. And you're like, don't worry about tonight, it's gonna be feel weird. By tomorrow or Saturday, this will feel totally normal. And it was basically consistent every time they would be like by the second show, they're like, oh, now I know how to do this.

And what it mean is like, there's 10,000 plus people were outside. It's not an environment you're used to performing in. It takes like a show to get used to it. Yeah. And it kind of felt like that. And I could tell, like watching you when you get up, I was like, I could tell you've done fitness. And I kind of felt like that. And I could tell, like watching you, when you get up, I was like,

I could tell you've done fitness. And I had cheat codes where I go, where I have jokes where I know that if I punch, punch, punch, punch, in the middle of this joke, it works even better. I, like, I definitely. It's the thing you figure out. Yeah, you figured out.

And it was funny because I definitely have figured out how to perform a drive in to the point where, like, it doesn't bother me if a train drives by in the middle of my set. At all. Which happens. Which happened all through Cleveland. Like it literally a train went by every 15 minutes.

Yeah, and I can tell, I mean, you were just rolling. Yeah. You did 75 minutes. Yeah. You're like, I'm gonna do 40. I'm like, 75 minutes later. So, but we get off and you're like, okay, are you ready to do the meet and greet them?

Please, I'm my favorite part. No. And you're like, no, this is so fun, Tommy. This is so fun. And I go, ah, no, okay, are you ready? You're the main reason, my favorite part. No, no, no, this is so fun, Tommy, this is so fun. And I go, come on, I just get on the back of the golf cart. I'm like, we sit here, you go, no, we stand. And I'm like, stand. And you're like, yeah, yeah. And Dave will drive us through. And it's not like a golf cart.

It's a gas powered, like John Deere, fucking tractor thing. And you are like, you're like, isn't this the best? And I go, no. And we're driving through the, like we're the people, we're parked and they're all like cheering and shirtless and screaming. And you're like, yes!

And I was like, let's go back, let's go back. This is a study in our two personalities. Yeah, it play. All right, Dave. Don't let us get too close to anybody. We can't die here. Oh, sushi. I love them sushi. Hey, thank you guys for coming out.

Cheers. That's my last picture review from the camera. Come on, guys. Hey, thank you for coming out. I hate this. This is so fucking good. This is so you. I love this. I love this. I love this. This is it. I

How happy birthday I love this part This was so unstable Thank you brother This was so unstable I got told this guy is All right, Dave don't get us don't get us great lock. Oh my god This is my favorite part of these shows. Look at me, people are here. It's crazy. She's...

You think those are Burt fans or Tom fans right there? I think they split the fans. I'm not going to split the fans. I'm not going to split the fans. Thank you brother. Thank shit. Fuck out. Thank you brother. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Guys, have a great night. Be safe. Woo! Christina! Isn't this amazing, Tom? I've been doing this all summer. Hey, thank you guys so much.

Have a great night. Have a great night everybody. This is my favorite part. We've had good ones these. Thank you. Thank you. See this? I do this so that I know I didn't bomb.

Hey, thank you so much. It's great. Hey, thank you guys. It's a great equalizer to know like how your night went. Yeah. Because I've definitely, I had one showing in Indie a late show that it was did not go so well. And I did the meet and greet.

And they're like, we're just trying to get out of here, buddy. Oh, you're like, all right. Yeah. So, yeah, we got back and we jump off the John Deere fucking gas powered thing. And you're like, what do you think? And I go, I think you're a fucking redneck. It's, I, this has that experience redneck. It's, I do it. This has that experience right there.

That had Florida vibes to me. Oh, right. I mean, when you're in high school, someone's like, you wanna drive through some groves? Yeah. And you're like, how do you do that? And it's, how am I on this fucking thing? Come on, more.

Woo, yeah. The, it's fun. I do that because sometimes in those places, like we did that in Philly. Yeah. Because it was like, I wanna say 2000 cars or whatever. Maybe it was a matter, I forget what it was, but it was so wide and big that I go,

the people in the back maybe didn't get the same show that people in the front got. So you get in the car and then you go drive to the back and you say hi, and they're like, so white, they can just saw you. Only you would have figured out to do this. I could have done 60 of these, and I'd be like, there's no fucking way I'm driving down there.

Oh, well, you wanted to do a meet and greet. I remember the first rain out we had. I went out and it was a rain out, and they were like shows canceled, and we had waited until like one in the morning, and they were still there. They wanted the morning and still there. And so I just went out and like,

they rescheduled or they just canceled? Just canceled it. And so we went out in the golf cart to I went out to apologize and I came out and there was like fucking like 400, 500 people there and I was just, and they're all sitting there and I was like, I'm so sorry. And they're like, just tell the machine

and I was like, I was like, I fucking, how about I do some new material and then I ended up on this back of the golf cart. They're all standing around in a big area and I ended up, and then I'm like, wait, I'm just doing the show in lightning. Yeah, like I was like I Get the fuck out of here I'm like it's just cancel because we might get hurt you guys need to go home

But I love that mean agree that mean greed makes me get it was a fun experience. I mean it was it was really an experience Like I actually I'm curious to see like Because I all came up to me and they're like will you do these? Oh, everyone. Everybody. Everyone. Yeah. And I gotta be honest with you, there's a way to figure out. I think we were all set up in the way and the theaters are amazing.

The experience you have in the theater, I can't wait to get back in the theater. And they're so good. It's because the laughter is so contagious and it's so how it's supposed to be done. But the whole thing is that theaters are actually Perfect for really are perfect. Yeah, I will say amphitheaters are pretty next level. They're pretty there The shit ampitheaters are pretty great. We did one in grand junction, which was the best show we've ever had San Antonio I go San Francisco. I have two shows Tomorrow on Friday that are in outdoor seated

Socially distant so like you buy your table and then you can fit 10 people at your table of your people on Friday that are in outdoor seated socially distant, so you buy your table and then you can fit 10 people at your table of your people, you know, like, or five people. But those are pretty great. I'm curious to think, what the trans, like what this will do to stand up and what it's gonna do to the way I look at touring, because I wanna get back into theaters.

I wanna do theaters again, but I also loved offering something a little different. I think that's cool. You know, like, I wouldn't mind doing, like, I also loved offering something a little different. I think that's cool. You know, like I wouldn't mind doing like, I have a few ideas of other things. I know Fortune told me she did baseball stadiums. And I was like, that would be cool. That would be cool. Ampitheaters would be cool.

Finding a way to do a different style of show or give someone a different type of experience. I think maybe separates your ticket from the rest of them. The amphitheater thing is really cool. As long as you can like, in normal situations, you have to have like the numbers, like it's such, they're so big. Well, they have these, they have these civic amphitheaters that seat like a thousand, 2000.

Oh, that's cool. That are, they're like, like Sacramento's got a bunch of them. I think I'm doing one in Sacramento, but it's like a civic amphitheater where they built it for the city, but the problem is I don't know how to get a hold of them. And those weren't available to us

when we started doing these, it was just driving. But I'm curious to see where it will go and what it would do to the way you'd wanna do a show. Like if someone said to you, oh, we've got, I don, like, I don't know, but I just keep thinking when you go into do theaters, your ticket is up against Brian Regan, Jim Gaffigan, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, like everyone sells theaters. And you're also someone sells theaters. But when you offer a show that maybe not on a drive or maybe it's

on a different style venue, then people might look at it and go, hey, that's actually a totally different event. It's comedy. It's still comedy, but we can go bring our blankets and it's a different experience. It's a different thing. You're right. You're totally right. You're totally right on that. I think it's actually very cool that you've built that. Before we go, so we have basketball coming up one one on one. Yes. I have played zero. I've played zero.

I've not played it all either. I was like, I was gonna go to a park the other day. And when they, to shoot. Yeah. And when I got there, the city had still not unlocked the hoops when they locked it down during quarantine. Like when there was like a city lockdown. Oh yeah.

So they just have all the hoops like locked off. I was like, oh, so I can't even shoot hoops here. What? I know what you're gonna say. What? What if we did in the meantime? Yeah. A food challenge.

We should do something stupid. Yes. Oh, by the way, nothing but stupid ideas. I wanted to see food. I picked up on that. And I feel like. I only do a wanted to see I picked up on that. I've and I feel like I Only do a challenge to see who could get their right arm bigger than their left arm and so the difference was whose arm left arm could be smaller so the winning was

How much bigger your right arm was in your left arm not my big arm bigger than your arm? How much more bigger my right arm would be than my left arm? So just do biceps in one arm and try to use your left arm as little as possible. That's profoundly stupid. Yeah, that's ridiculously stupid. Yeah, I like it. We could do something like that. Food wise, what do you think you could just smash that you don't think, you know what I mean, that you could beat me. Like, I'm thinking things like, you know,

like donut holes, pizza, burgers, like thing where you're like, I actually feel like the hot dog eating contest. Yeah. I think we should do something really dumb. Oysters. Oh shit. The only thing, okay.

It's interesting, because like, you can pound so many. I think we'll probably get pretty sick, right? Yeah, okay, then let's not angle to get sick. Yeah, because that's probably a bad idea. And here's the deal. I also want 50 oysters in. I think you're gonna be like,

I'm gonna fucking, really, it's gonna come out of both. Thanks for a while. Throwing up oysters would be the first thing to throw up. What about chicken wings? That's a good one. Chicken wings, but the problem is, what about, what about, what if we got Hooters Buffalo Shrimp?

Well, definitely a diarrhea, but I think that's probably for all these. Yeah. How many things you could take down? How many, I always wanted to do the donut holes. I ate 50 very quickly the other day. What, donut holes? No, I could do donut holes. I need to very quickly the other day. What, donut holes?

No, I could do donut holes, and you just pop them in my mouth. Yeah, well, yeah. There's a fucking murder of those. You mean the Buffalo shrimp? Buffalo shrimp, I ate 50 very quickly. Very quickly. We should do a sweet and a savory competition.

Okay. Let's see. What we should do is we should do a milkshake drinking contest who can drink at the fastest. I just want to get cold addicts. Yeah, that's a good one. Milkshake. I think we need to do a sweet and savory. Sweet and savory? Yeah. What is that? A savory salty. Yeah. One is like, you know, like the chicken wing thing and one is the sweet thing. Okay. So what would be...

I think donut holes is hilarious because I could get up and get triple digits. You think? I do, I'd be up for donut holes. So you got to not eat for a day? You can do however you want, but I'm thinking you have to see how many you can eat in a period of time, obviously, you know? Okay. You give yourself a limit.

That's how they do the hot dog eating, Nathan's hot dog eating time. See, I want to, my fucking problem is I want to enjoy them. Like, when I see the hot dog eating contest, I'm like, I'm like, yeah, but just eat them. Well, that's like, that's a other level. And we can't get into that. I mean, those people,

what about those little conies? The little, with chili and cheese on them? Oh, the little ones. I was about to say rape but I I rape my mouth with those my mouth like, or please stop, please stop. I'm gonna I'll take it. You'll take it. You'll take what you have. How many things you can take down? Uh, fuck. I'm I ate two in Cleveland, I ate two pacos. This is a pacos. It's a it's a Coney dog, but it's got mustard. Well, put mustard relish my mouse watering. I'm fucking so hungry right now me too

I ate two of them in 45 seconds to they're like legit big size with a sausage in them and Everyone in the bus was staring at me. I was about to go on stage and I just lost control Mm-hmm, and they just showed up and they were hot And so I just ate two in 45 seconds and they were like, Hey man, I think you're going to get sick and I went on stage and it hurt the talk. Yeah, I was like, I think I pulled something. Yeah. Those Paccos type in Paccos hot dog. I went, I went time to see them.

They're so good looking. Paccos Tony Paccos. Okay. Yeah hot dogs. Tony Paccos. Okay. They're legit side, that's it. That's it, look at that.

I took down two of those in 45 seconds. Do you think you could eat 20 of them in five minutes? I think, I don't know if I could eat 20, I can definitely five, I know that. Well that's a big difference. No, I'm just saying I'm just trying to because they come in packs of five. Okay. I could have eaten all five of those within a minute We need we need to I think that's one of the next things we need to do as well Okay eating challenge. I like it. I would be great if we could get something that like

My mouth is watering so bad right now. Do you hear it like I'm like this watering so bad right now. Do you hear it? Like I'm like, tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt t like the sweetness is a great, it's a great like punch, like a hit. Yeah. But then you're like, it overwhelms you. I'm bummed that I don't, we don't have enough, like good food in Los Angeles right now. Right now? Yeah, like there's, like it's hard to go get food. Yeah.

I want Tony Paccos right now. Like I want something ridiculously crazy, with chili on it, only get sick. I gotta work out today. Okay, I'm gaining weight like fucking crazy. Let's do it. That's what this is. What key to my bike? Nice. No one takes it while I'm out. Nice. selling these hot summer nights keychains at my shows. Let's see. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Awesome. We're nice key today. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Awesome, we're nice to meet you. That's pretty cool, man.

Yeah. All right. Thank you guys for listening. Happy birthday, Bert. Thank you. Thank you for my present. It's been a pleasure. I've ever gotten.

You're awesome, man. All right, bye, guys. Tell stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to bid a booze, amateur, pathology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.