2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 58 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

Become a paid channel member of YMH to experience an AD-FREE version of the show here : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYIgiXwJck_Pb5Nj-wIrsqg/join SPONSORS: - Go to https://EstablishedTitles.com/BlackFriday and get a Lordship Title and have another Title for free. - Go to https://Mugsy.com/2bears to get 20% off sitewide, today only for Cyber Monday! - Go to https://Whoop.com/bears to get your first month free - Go to https://Feetures.com/CAVE to get $10 off your first pair! - New U.S. customers can redeem a Harry’s Trial Set at https://Harrys.com/BEARS for just $3! You’ll get a five-blade razor, a weighted ergonomic handle, foaming shave gel with aloe, and a travel cover. - Go to https://hellotushy.com/BEARS to get 20% off your order + free shipping until 12/6 Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing how many wars America has won and lost, Tom's newest podcast "Tom Talks," and Bert's new health drink. They also cover Kevin Hart new special, Bert and LeeAnn's dinner with Tom and Christina P, and handsome Mexican actors. They react to listener-submitted "gay gift" emails, toss around ideas for a 2 Bears calendar, and watch Bert's drunkest moment from 2 Bears Live.

Do you remember me times I told you that? And we're joke? No, stop. Do you know how many... I didn't know I was guessing. I didn't know. No way. The Confederate Statues joke.

Oh, we're right there. 100%. Hello Americans and other citizens of the world, welcome to Two Bears One K. But Americans, you're first. You're definitely first, America first. And number one in our books, America. That's right, America. And you know, man is watching you, he's following you. Which are record with wars?

What do you mean? Like we got World War I, World War II. Do you. What's our record with wars? What do you mean like we got World War 1 World War 2? Do you count Spamist American War? I mean how many just type in oh let's do this we got a new Googler How many wars has America won versus tide Have we lost a war? Let's look at the let's see what the Results are here.

Not how many of we have been involved in, that's gonna be fucking astronomical. Right, we're going back to work. Oh, here we go, this is an actual... There we go. When lost thing here. Do you hear them working? We have a new Google, we want to mention that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, well so far, I'm impressed. We're already at an answer. Do we have an actual number? Or it's just because this looks like it's a more of a analysis, right? Yeah, it's not giving us a number. Hold on. Let's go back. Let's go back and see if there's another result. Well, as you look for that, see if you find an actual answer.

And we'll welcome the rest of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah if you find an actual answer. And we'll welcome the rest of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you guys too. Including you Ethiopia, who's going to war right now. Including you Ethiopia. Do you think we have any fans underneath Ethiopia? Probably. You ever made a fan that, hey, congratulations on your new podcast, Tom Talks.

Oh yeah, what did you think? I think you should let the other guy talk a little bit, but whatever. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha next one too. You know what it is? I think I'm so suppressed on this show that I really let it out. No, that's not what it is. You are so excited to talk to Tony Gonzalez. And Yang, I had Yang to. You have Andrew Yang on. Yeah. Yang. Yang. Yang. Yang. Yang. Yang. Yang. Yang. Yang. Yang. And then what's he like? What's he like? He's so accessible. Like, you can't believe you're talking to President of Canada. President, a former presidential candidate who is like your, I feel like you feel thankful that somebody like that regardless of your politics is involved in that world because

you get like a genuine sense of like somebody who just wants to help and you don't sense any like don't sense any like ego or power grab or like give me credit kind of from him. It's it's just more he just he seems very obsessed like you you relate to him in a way that you would never related to that's what I told him to a most politicians you're like what do you like my uncle or something you know I mean like you look like a you seem like a banker you know you don't feel like you can talk to the guy. And I feel like with Yang, I thought I was like, I hope you stay in this world because you seem like such a relatable guy.

Is he, do you ask him some hard-hitting questions? Oh, this is the fucking news, yeah, of course I do. I was, do you show him a video of an Asian guy getting pinned to a wall by a car? I'd be like, hey, Andrew, what do you think of that? That is fucking stupid. That is precisely why I don't have them on the couch. So tell me why you started Tom's ox.

Cause I remember you saying a long time ago, you're like, can we get, you're like, I wanna have Ricky Williams on. But I don't, it's like your mom's house is in the right fit. And you're like, I don't know if this is the right fit. And then you start. I'll tell you exactly what, because there't know if this is the right fit. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start.

And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start.

And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start.

And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. And then you start. where I go, I just feel like it's a place where I can actually have the conversation. I actually get jealous that people get to do that.

Like, on VertCast, when you just talk to someone, that's kind of like, and there's people who I, I've done your mom's house long enough for you to go, there are just perfect fits. Sometimes they're not comedians. Honestly, some of the best guests are musicians. But if it's somebody who I just go, I really just wanna ask what, have a conversation.

That's really why I talk. I'm not committing to, that's the thing. It's like I don't have to do it. It's not like, you know, the schedule's dictating it. I'm only gonna have people on that who I really, really wanna talk to. Okay, let's do a wish list of Tom Talks. Okay.

Like, let's do a wish list. Well, I have a list right here. Oh, for real? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm gonna do Smash or Pass, all right? You say the name and I'm gonna tell you they're fucking awesome guests or I could pass immediately. Okay, I want to talk to you.

I'll start with the angry yang pass. Okay, keep going. Okay. I just, I don't know, I don't know anything about President of Canada. And I feel like that is such a shit show of a fucking breeding ground of hate from the internet that I just go stay the fuck away. Tony Gonzalez, hardcore smash.

And I'd fuck him too. That guy's hot. That guy's fucking hot. He is gorgeous. And he is a man that voices his. You feel like such a bitch standing next to him. I mean, the whole time I was like, daddy, can I talk?

Like he's such. Did he speak Spanish? Some, some. Did you guys like? No, no, he, but that did, like, I was telling him, because we were on a flight together, I was like, hey, man, how many NFL players do you think, he was reading a book and taking notes?

And I was like, you're taking notes for yourself. And he was like, yeah, I go, how many NFL players do you think he was reading a book and taking notes? And I was like, you're taking notes for yourself. And he was like, yeah, I go, how many NFL players do you think do that? He goes, how many people in society do that? And I was like, good point. I think the number is lower in the NFL. I think it is. I think it is. You know what I was thinking?

You know what I was thinking today? Because what happened with the, you know, the Warren Sapp fell in a drug test to do two bears, one Sapp, and so that we couldn't do it. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Oh my god. Getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting. That's a joke everybody. That's a joke. And you would have more antics like that on two bears once app, but it didn't happen. It didn't happen for a lot of reasons, but it, but what I was thinking is, yes, what if we rescued? Yeah, a football player. What do you mean rescue? Like someone who's been through the fucking ringer

Like I was like what if we did it with Steve DeBurg like it's just like a fucking Journeyman random dude. Yeah really has nothing to fucking lose. Yeah literally is like run an a bait shop in fucking marathon island Down in Florida, and he's like yeah, I'll fucking do it. He's like, I'll tell you what I hated about the locker room. Yeah, yeah. I knew there were gay guys in there, but where they wouldn't let us smoke him out. You know, like a real fucking,

you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I just got nothing to lose. And we can just sit him between them and be like, holy shit! Yeah! Like a straight up bigot. Yeah. Yeah, straight up bigot. Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be great. It's like, cut your fucking dreads, black guys. Like one of those guys. Ah! Oh! Yeah. And so, man, people are fucking like worried about you. We're not done with your fucking list.

We're jumping to people are worried about you, because you did heart attack. So, I'm fine, I'm fine. Well, no, no, because like people are proposing possible health issues. No. And you're like, it's not possible. Dude, look at me, I'm fucking fit as a fiddle.

I'm the fattest I've ever been right now. Here's a deal. So I get allergy-induced asthma. And it always turns into bronchitis. And that's what happened at the beginning of the tour and I couldn't get rid of this cough. I mean, I literally couldn't get rid of this cough. Did you think it was COVID every time?

Every fucking morning. Because what would happen is we got a new puppy every morning. Every morning you're like, I'm gonna die today. That's what America does. You wake up, you go chill, no, aches, no. And then I go cough, check. And so we have this new puppy and he does this thing called a tactics.

I mean, it's the weirdest, it's the funniest, greatest way to wake up. He jumps in the bed at like eight in the morning, 7, 30 in the morning, and he does this thing where he like, fake bites you, but he licks you. But he is aggressive, like he's going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and it makes me laugh so hard, and I love attack legs.

And so we do it every morning, and I have an allergy attack every fucking morning, and I couldn't kick the cough because it was coming up from allergies so I got on a steroid and an ampute or all to have to get rid of it but I do this thing when I get this cough where I cough to the point where it's like all the blood is rushed out of everywhere

drew explain it to me and I almost passed out and I have passed out before I have definitely passed out from coughing but I'm fine I ran three miles this morning my knees kinda hurting me so I kinda took, I have definitely passed out from coughing, but I'm fine. I ran three miles this morning, my knees kinda hurting me, so I kinda took, I'm gonna health kick, speaking of which. Oh. No kool-aid today, big boy. No?

Cause you're on your health kick now. Both of us are, we're both on a health kick. You ready? Okay. Here we go. Uhhh. I'm gonna make sure you like it, because I don't want to waste any on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I'm just gonna tell you, my first thought, what's that? Explosive Diaria. I've never been more excited to say, 100%. That's why I love it.

I love it. You blow out the toilet. But like just it looks like a polychip paint. I wrote a joke about it in my last special. You ship on the underside of the seat. But when you lift the seat up, it looks like it's got freckles. Tell me you think this is my concoction. It is? Yep. cheers. It's very green. It's very, it do, this is so good for you. Mm. It's not wine. It's not wine.

That's a good, that's a good batch. There's a lot of ginger. There's a lot of ginger. It's good for your, type of ginger is good for you. It, it, it, wait a minute. It, it, it, it, it, it, it, good for you. It's Pfft. Pfft. Wait a minute. Pfft.

You got shit all over your face. Real? Yeah. Oh, are you fucking serious? I did access Hollywood with this all over my face yesterday. I was drinking one of these. I'm sure you did. Just all over my face.

Ginger is loaded with antioxidants, compounds that prevent stress. Danger your body's DNA. There we go. That's all you should eat. High blood pressure, heart heart disease disease the lungs How the aging yeah, there's a fucking there's a Rogan-sized thumb of ginger in there. I mean, it's really really something I'll do another one. I'm fucking that's how good these are yeah, make sure you drink it really fast otherwise doesn't work

I wonder if I drink it too fast sometimes This guy walks that's me after he goes, hey, man, I didn't know who you were. And I go, okay, you know when people like, I love that, I love that. They're like, I had no idea who you were. And you're like, oh, okay. And he goes, someone told me, you're pretty funny.

And I was like, appreciate the over-the-top compliment. And he goes, nah, you knew that. And I was like, all right, well thanks, man. He goes, yeah, man, it's like, I checked you out. And I laughed, and I was like, okay, thanks a lot, man. And he goes, yeah, man, what's the call to get in that I know you from? And I go, well, I don't know.

I wasn't there when you looked about him. I'm not even sure what your reference in. He's like, your show. And I go, which show? And he goes, the cabin. And I go, oh yeah, yeah, you like that? And he goes, yeah, man, that's what I was saying. Like, you're funny guy.

And I go, that's what you know me from? And he goes, isn't that your show? And I go, yeah. And so he goes, yeah. And he's like, hey man, I don't wanna suck your dick. And he's like, what? And he's like, none of my, I don't want to. I don't want to.

I don't want to. My show. All right, go to your Smasher Pass list. I wanna see these guests, guests. Yes. What? We gotta look at our war data first. Oh yeah, okay, go back to our war data. I'm gonna say a name of a country.

You tell me if you think we beat them, ready? Yemen. We ever beat them in a war. Have we fought them in a war? I mean, we've bombed them. Then that's a win. That's right. Take it.

Uh huh. America won. Yemen zero. Okay. Esbola. Yeah. We fought. Esbola is not a country.

It's not. It's not a country. All right. It's an organization that they get kind of fiery about some things. All right. Have we ever fought Russia? Well, I mean, we were not, yeah, I mean, yeah, because in a... No.

Well, we don't, it's not like the Russia-American war, but we were adversaries in... Yeah, but did we ever go to, well, we probably went to war. Yeah, we probably were. Shot a few people, right? Those were the days. By the way, DJ Vlad brought that up to me. He was like, he was, I did a, I did a show. This is so hilarious. What? You're like, yeah, I did DJ Vlad. I don't know,

it's just funny because I've seen so many interviews with like rappers. I love the show. I love his interviews. He's like, Bert spit some bars. By the way, if you haven't like going up in the streets dog It was a cul-de-sac But he's he's like in your book you wrote that Russians are disgusting like And as he's reading it off and it sounds horrible. I'm like I think flat's Russian He was like you said it was nice to know here enemies work because it wasn't racist back then and I was like, alright. I can't wait to see this. Oh dude, I trash Kevin Hart.

You trash Kevin Hart? I trash him. I'm a little trash him. I'm fucking, I'm trying to make a joke and it never worked. And you know what I'm like, here's the problem is that this is what's wrong with the cancer culture is sometimes you'll make a joke and it doesn't fucking work and then you keep working that joke until one day it works. Huh?

How many, do you remember any times I told you that? And we're joke? No, stop. Do you know how many? I didn't know I was guessing. No, no, no. No way. The Confederate statues joke.

Oh, we're right there. I tried that joke on this show. I tried it. What Confederate statues joke. Oh, we're right there. I tried that joke on this show. I tried it. What was the joke? I can't tell it now because it's works. I'm my act. I want to use it for my special. Okay.

But I told it. I have a Confederate statues joke. I don't think it's the same. I listen to yours. Yeah, it's not the same. Yeah. I'm not serious. My people will enjoy it. Go ahead. Go ahead.

So I, uh, I wrote it and I, and I, I, I fucked it up so many times. I remember I, Nidob, do you remember me telling it here? Don't spit it out. Oh my god. I almost, I almost puked it out. It's good, right? It's good, but that's not why I was gonna spit it out. Go ahead. Keep the dog. Do you remember I made you take it out of the show? It sounds a little familiar. Yeah, because it was like, I just wasn't doing it right. And then I did it right. So like, I had this joke about, not a joke,

is this premise about Kevin Hart, where I was, I don't want to fuck him, but I was saying, I'm tired of people saying they work hard. Like, I'm tired of hard work being how why you're successful. All right. And it just drives me nuts because I've worked hard my whole life, but I was unsuccessful at periods of time.

And I was like, but I'm busking my ass. And there are people that work hard that aren't successful. And I just was like, I'm trying to, I've been trying to a bit. And I guess I went off on this one time. And I was like, fuck hard work or what? I don't know. And I was like like fuck hard work or what I don't know I was like talk about the times I don't know my point is Kevin Hartz new specials awesome I love

Oh my god, it sucks cuz I do love Kevin wait do you Kevin on Vlad you bagged his bag Kevin Hart I bagged people who brag about hard work being like, like, Kevin, which is very Kevin. Yeah, it's very Kevin. It's very the rock. It's like, it's like, there's certain things like, and you can't like, you're thinking a lot, the thing about the stuff.

Let's get to the bottom of this. Well, you work hard, correct? Yeah. Do you attribute your success to hard work? Or do you attribute, let's just try to identify the luck in your career that you go I was actually fucking really lucky that happened and if that hadn't happened I don't know where I'd be there's a few name them on

name all mine rolling stone magazine yeah I mean I was a fucking six and a half year college student and I had no plans and roll stone magazine discovers me called me no more party on the country and literally all of a sudden I survived my life and I get the confidence. And Rollstone magazine discovers me, calls me no more in part of the country. And literally, Alvarse Stone option writes in my life, and I get the confidence to do stand up. Had that never happened, I have no career in this business. Boats. No. No.

I'm cleaning boats. I be cleaning boats. Grazer, tell us what you think about the vaccine morality. Well, I think you just got a message first. All right, Grazer said it first, here we go. Uh. First, all right, crisis ended first, here we go. Uh, uh, uh. Um, I was lucky a couple of times once that, um, I was lucky that I was dumb enough to

quit my day job when I did, which was definitely too early, like, definitely. Yeah, yeah. And it was well paying. I fucked myself, but it made me go Oh, I have to make a living doing stand-up. I mean a bit like barely scraped by but that that's like people would be like you made it But it's like that was not well thought out and it the it pay off is is that you know then I was I was lucky that Comedy Central passed on completely normal.

And that was the goal, and then I was lucky that I got the call and they were like, hey Netflix is gonna lie to you, but it wasn't today's Netflix, it was 2013. Do you think, I think a lot of, and I was like, oh, all right. I remember when you telling me, yeah Netflix is kind of blowing up. And I was like, I, all right. I remember when you telling me, yeah, Netflix is kind of blowing up. Yeah.

And I was like, I mean, you and Bill were the first people on Netflix that really popped. Well, Bill is the one who he told me. He was like, dude, it's, because I was like, yeah, it's going on Netflix. He's like, you know, that's good, right? And I was like, is it? And he goes, he goes, it's done way more for me

than anything else in my career. I remember him saying that. I was like, nah, because he was already like, he was like, you know, one of the main dudes in stand up. I was like, for real? And he goes, oh yeah, he goes by far. And I was like, all right. But that luck, that's luck, I think.

The timing and total fucking, the fact that he's a kid of God to Comedy Central. If you think on Comedy Central, you realize you would not be sitting here. Here's the other thing, I wouldn't be sitting here. I wouldn't, here's the other thing. I wouldn't be sitting here. It's like my relationship with you forged in and. Let's kill it, you wanna kill it?

My relationship with you and whatever serendipity it is or luck, but luck that we work together one weekend and we got each other's personal, and started having a good time. They're like, hey, we'll do these games together. I believe that's luck, I believe in that one. Do you know, I told Joe this a few weeks ago, and I don't think it registered to him

that I was kind of talking about luck too, then. So I won a contest to host three shows on the Bud Light Maxim Real Men of Comedy Tour, which was Joe Rogan, Charlie Murphy, and John Heffron. And I got to open three shows and do three minutes cold, right? Three minutes. They're like, get off after three minutes, which like you can't even, you know, imagine opening. Three minutes is impossible. It's fucking stuff.

I just have to do five for Drew Carey. And I was like tearing through. My name's Barry, how's my name? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh talks about how he met me there and we connected, but here's the moment he doesn't realize that I think would have definitely at least changed our when we would have maybe connected or become friends. The last show I did on that tour, so everybody who wanted like Contest regionally got to do three dates. I got to do Irvine, San Diego, and Phoenix.

Phoenix was the big show. It was a big theater show at the celebrity theater. In the round. In the round. I got it. It's so funny that I remember this. I remember you telling me about this. There was 2007.

So I remember that I did the show. I remember I'm in the green room and Joe's there with like a crew red band and these guys. And I remember there was, it was a Saturday night, and it was, it was in the fall. So, college football was on, and like, so I'm watching like LSU Auburn or something. And somebody was like, hey, you know, there's, there's like some fight on. And I was like, who the fuck would want to watch a fight? Like, if you have college football on, and they were all like, what?

And I was like, I mean, you'd rather watch fights than this. And they were like, buddies were like, yeah. And I was like, well, I have no interest in watching that bullshit. And I don't think I even knew. And one of the guys was like, I am a fighter. And I was like, oh, okay, well, if you wouldn't watch that shit, go ahead. Uh, so.

You're like, I'm gonna put it on some archery. Yeah, I was like, so fucking boring. So I got, I did my set and then that night, because they would take, they would take turns closing, closing the shows. So, Phoenix Joe was closing. So, after Charlie gets off, we're hanging out in the green room, and we're just like getting along, he's laughing, and I'm like, so excited.

Because I'm such a Chappelle Show fan and everything. And an odd Charlie Murphy fan. Like, I mean, before Charlie Murphy was, Charlie Murphy, I knew Charlie Murphy. Yeah, Charlie Murphy, yeah, because you see him, he'd pop up in movies and, so anyways, he's like, yeah,

he's like, we're gonna go to dinner. And I was like, okay, he goes, do you wanna come? And I was like, oh my God, yes dude. I'm coming right now. Yeah. So he's like, all right, bet. Like,

and he had rich, rich was his like, his cousin, he's like, all right, bet. Like, and he had rich, rich was his cousin. He's like, all right, man, we're gonna go. So he starts walking down the hall. And he's walking out, I'm following like 10 feet behind and as I'm following him, Joe stops me in the hallway. And he goes, hey man, you know, this was really fun. He goes, you're really funny.

And I go, oh, thanks man. And as he's saying that, I'm like, I'm looking down the hall, because Charlie's walking out. And it's not like a relationship is forged to the point where I can go like, hey, Chuck, hold up, I can't. So I'm like, oh yeah, I go, thanks a lot man.

I really appreciate that. And he goes, yeah dude, like really funny. You know, you only had like a few minutes. And I'm like, yeah thanks. And I start kind of like, like doing... I'm starting to factor guys, fucking up my relationship with Charlie Murphy. Yeah, I start taking like a step away, you know? And he's like, he goes,

do you ever want to like do gigs together? And I was like, I mean, yeah, I'd love to. I'd love to, of course. And he's like, yeah. And like this is all happening at a very normal natural pace, but the whole time I'm like, he's leaving right now. Yeah. So I go absolutely man, like anytime. And then I start to, to like go, I appreciate that.

He goes, well, he goes, give me your number. I go, oh, yeah, yeah. So I give him my number. And he's like, yeah, like really? I go, yeah, I look, I got to go because we're going to dinner. He's like, oh, okay. And I go outside and I don't see Charlie. And then I see like a truck, you know, 50 yards away and the clearly like the car started the lights are going on. And I like sprint to the truck. And I get in. So you get there five minutes later.

Oh my God, I get in and then we go to dinner. And I have this dinner that I'll never forget. You told me about this dinner. Yeah, which is so fun. But what I was telling Joe, I was like, you realize it like, uh, if I had 10 seconds earlier, walked down that hall, whatever, I go, maybe we would have befriended each other. Like I probably would have seen you at some point. You'd be like, oh, I remember you from that thing,

but he called me two weeks later and took me to Tampa to do shows before UFC. And I was like, that hallway interaction was like, luck, it was like a moment. I remember you telling me about the Tampa gig. Yeah, see, and this is where I stretch it back is, and maybe too much of the butterfly effect, but I go, had that not happen with you and Joe,

I would not have met Joe, ever met Joe. Well, probably later, maybe. But I wouldn't have met him the way I met him initially, whereas it was early, but it was before he is who he is today. When we did Tampa, we did two shows at Tampa improv That that was that was crazy and then and then I so that's I think that's where I I wish that people It's it in my opinion it feels very Exclusionary to say that hard work is what got me here. It's like I know you're saying the prince William

I was like I'm like the hardest working prince. You know what those guys You know all those guys should reframe the guys who lead with that was hard work is incredibly important. Once you've made a name for yourself. Yes, oh, work. So like once you're like, I'm Kevin Hart of, I'm the, you know, the star,

I'm the rock. Like now that you reach that point, you gotta work and I think that's what they're kind of meaning. Like once I got here, I can't chill out. Like I have to work really hard to stay here, to be putting out content and stay, you know, in the zeitgeist or whatever. But like it's the hard work to getting there does involve.

The hard work to get in there. The hard it does, but I also go like, I mean, how many people do we know that we started with, bus they're fucking ass, but I'll name a fucking name right now, who I have a guy I think's massively talented, fucking the hardest working dude I know, who isn't selling theaters and should be,

Jay Larson. J. Larson's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Has one of my favorite jokes ever written. You will not find it. Wait, is it wrong number? Fucking wrong number is the funniest. Fine, no jokes really. It is like, it is a, it is, I mean, it is a joke.

I tell this to Jay every time that he should tell every time he's on stage. It's that good. And he's not, he's not, he doesn't have the recognition that he should have. And I will, and you know this, sickle will tell you this, pound for pound, there is not one person in this industry that works harder than Jay Larson. He gets up every fucking morning, vision board, fucking script, uh, one hour on my script, one on my television pilot, one, I just, and we're talking on spec, uh, producing a show for golf pass producing a show for this doing a podcast like he is it and then you and I'm sure Jay Jay was like look man I'm happy I don't need to be Kevin Hart I'm sure he would love to be and at my point in this is like I was Jay Larson four years

ago going like I'm fucking killing I'm busing my ass what where's this hot when this hard work pay off that was my point, is it sounds like, this sounds, this is a bad analogy, really, really bad analogy, but it sounds like one way to us. When white dudes go, where's my white privilege? And you're like, you're like, I actually, it's a horrible analogy,

but like, you're like, you got it, you just don't see it. Like, there's certain times you get it, you just don't see it. Like, and so, when you flip it, to see like, you never hear Tom Hanks go, like, you just don't see it. Yeah. Like, and so when you flip it, to see like, you never hear Tom Hanks go like, I'm the hardest working man. He's so business.

Right. He's just, just puts the work in. Yeah, I mean, I think, I think anybody, I love Kevin. Now, I gotta say good shit about Kevin because we just saying this before, he is, singedly one of the funniest individuals alive.

Like, if you gave him a bowl of popcorn and sat across from him on a couch and watched him eat popcorn, and didn't say a word, he'd be crying laughing. And he wouldn't be trying at all. He is that fucking funny, his special, whenever he does one of my favorite bits ever is he does the Shaq Sedrick thing.

The Shaq Sedrick thing. You ever seen a Shaq Sedrick? All started, is it a set that changed the way I did stand up? Kevin Hart's Shaq Sedrick, he goes out, everyone D. Ray Davis, Aries Spears, Tommy Davidson, all go out and kind of do crowd work and fuck around with the way people are dressed and keep it kind of urban. It's a predominantly black crowd.

Kevin Hart just goes out and tells a joke. He tells a fucking joke to open. He closes a show and he's not Kevin Hart today. He tells a joke and the joke is fucking hilarious. He goes, I think my baby's stupid. Every time he talks, he just goes, ah, and then he layers this, ah, into every story. He's like, and then my son walks in, he's like,

and it just was a, it was a structured joke that, and it made you think like, oh, that's right, comedy is also fucking, it's, there's a math of it and it's such a great set. Change the way I looked at standup, really it did. And so I love Kevin, I love Kevin, but the fucking hard work stuff, I hear that so much. During time filled, during time filled

a tribute to all this is a second to hard work. And you're like, hold on. Can we just break it down for a second? Yeah, you had a late night talk show deal that they didn't wanna use, so they flipped it into a sitcom, which puts you on in a different timeframe. You had different standards for like, this is from what I've heard.

There wasn't, you had the development team that was late night talk. You didn't have the current, you know, like, development group that was for sitcoms. So you got opportunities to do things they wouldn't have never allowed you to do. And you're, you know, it's like, there's so much luck that goes involved to that.

That you, that I, I just want someone to go. I'm pretty lucky. I'm really, I'm the fucking luckiest guy in the world. And I know people go, yeah, but you're fairly talented. We get it. But, but I'm the fucking luckiest guy in the world. And I just want to, like, when you give hope to people that are sitting watching this going, I want to do stand up.

I go, oh, it's totally possible. You just gotta get lucky as fuck. Like, that's it. up, I go, oh, it's only possible. You just gotta get lucky as fuck. Like, that's it. Yeah, I mean, I think you're right. I think being successful at stand up is kind of like a trifecta though. Like it is, there's innate talent in pretty much, not pretty much, in every successful comedian.

They have some innate talent and ability. Oh, yeah, it's. Something is just funny about the way that person thinks or delivers what they think. Like I said, watching Kevin Ornady pop up. Like of the, yeah, then there is a luck factor, like a timing thing, like meeting this person or getting your special acquired,

like when you didn't think it was gonna make it, like that's that timing luck thing. And then there is like work, because you do have to put in a lot of time. When you think about all gonna make it, that's that timing-luck thing. And then there is work, because you do have to put in a lot of time. When you think about all the shitty shows we did over a decade and you're like, man, I did all those shows made me better at doing stand-up.

What I want them to say is, this is what I just realized what I want them to say. Okay. New examples of people that don't work hard, that got the same luck they did, and we don't talk about anymore and go, see that motherfucker, they didn't work hard. Yeah.

And you go, okay, then now I get your analogy. Yeah, yeah. So we won 94 wars, the United States. Fucking out of how many, 100? Mm-hmm. How many wars? Are you being serious right now? We won 94 wars?

That's what Zola put on the board We won 90 four wars in 200 years. Yeah Did they have like take a fucking war they have like a last the 10 years a loss column Is there the one that says lost there's hardly any that they say we've lost most are Inclusive or other result or ongoing. America, we don't lose any words, we tie a few. Like Vietnam wasn't a loss, it was just like a,

like a timeout. There's a whole whole thing there. We'll be back about Vietnam. What if Trump had said, hey guys, I'm leaving office. I can see the war, I can see the, there you go, what? Native Americans go on a couple. We, the Sioux, the Rapahoe,

it looks like they beat the United States in the powder river war. Yeah, it was three on one though. Fuck. Can't count that. Okay. Any other one there? Looks like US, US.

Because it had a whole breakdown you said about Vietnam. I don't know. It was like, didn't it say like, look at this. Oh, there you go. Okay, so it does say North Vietnamese allied victory because the withdrawal of American forces. But there was another article, what's way too lengthy to get in.

I love the, I think I was gonna to say I think Trump right before he goes, I'll can see the victory to Biden, but we're starting to be at No more again. And go. He's the boy trips to Vietnam. I said it jokingly and then I was like, because I was like, you know, he's going to start firing people and he gonna start firing people and he has been firing people left and right. And then I was like, you know,

maybe he'll just like test a new, and be like, what? Like I felt like it. I could totally see, like it would be January 19th. And they're like, you hear what happened? Like what? It's like, fucking, we bombed Rome. What?

Yeah. He's behaving the way I did when I got fired from Barnes and Noble Like I was like oh you want to see what an exit looks like suck my dick Dwayne Yeah, I wish he would fucking what if he brought that up when he was doing crazy shit You should never fucking fired Bert Barnes and Noble. Oh, what if he you know he could just You should never fucking fire Bert Barnes and Noble. Oh, what if he, he, you know, he could just... Is that fucking Ron? Oh boy, let's be taken up.

Sure, wherever you want. Tell him he's on. Hey, are you in bed? Yeah, you want to be in bed with me? Oh, shit! Everybody got a laugh out of that one! You're on the two bears one cave. What's up, Ron? What's going on, Kyle? Not much, man. How you doing?

I'm good, man. I'm good. I'm finished working for the slave driver. So if you need a bus driver, give me a car. Did you see the obscene run he just had me doing eight days. It was it was ridiculous. Yes, it was He is the worst man, I wouldn't I wouldn't say it's I think that terminology is a little aggressive I think sweatshop were boss would it sound better? All right, I'll peace Call it back every when you are just finished. All right, I'll, I'll, please. That was wrong, everybody.

My bus driver just to give everyone a heads up. You he use the different term for you. Oh, fucking Ron. Um, by the way, you had this great thought, you know, there's not a lot, but they come out of you. And, uh, you requested that gay guys tell us what kind of presence they give. Oh shut up. We didn't get feedback on that. Did we?

We did. Oh yeah. Are you ready? I am. You're gonna love this. Okay. Says Tim and Bart can confirm that gay dudes give the best presence. Dated a guy, sorry, dated a girl with a gay brother. For my birthday one year, she got me an unwrapped portable DVD player. He got me a baseball sign by Mariana Rivera and two tickets to the subway series, one for me and one for his dumb sister.

The DVD player wasn't even wrapped. It was just in a gift bag, no card, no fancy paper. Best C. Hello, men. Being gay and married, you are right. We do know how to get each other better gifts than our heterosexual counterparts. My husband recently got me a private chartered of Vegas with my friends, as well as a suite at the Cosmopolitan for three days. He just turned 50 this past summer and I sent him to Mexico with friends and bottom of Mercedes, Sean. Hahaha. Hahaha. Um, howdy, Tom and Blart.

Around a year ago, I lost my custom letterman jacket from my high school football years. It sounds silly now, but the loss of this letterman jacket really broke my heart. For my birthday this year, my boyfriend contacted the company, my high school used to make the letterman's and had my entire football jacket remade. Not only that, but he also bought me a rifle and gave me a fat blow job. For his birthday, I bought him a HTC virtual reality device and tickets for skydiving, regards Joey from Texas. I mean, we're getting just absolutely killed in this thing. Like, this needs to be a website where you...

You're... Women can go to it and then they find a gay guy to take a present. A gay guy that goes, let me help you out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me about your husband. Christmas Eve 2018, my wife of 10 years decided to get me two packs of socks, three packs of underwear, and a Costco pack of mock five razors.

I looked her dead in her eyes and told her, you don't love me. Later that night, we went to a party to hang with a few friends. Her gay friend Ryan bought us gifts. I reluctantly opened mine and it was a Nintendo switch with three games, a case, and screen protector. I began to cry as I looked at my wife and said, this is a real gift you evil witch. Sidney.

Oh, amazing. I'm fucking, I need an intervention. I need an intervention. What's your big, what's your big like? I'll be 100% honest about everything right now. Tell me, ever ask me any question. I want to know my lifestyle and I will fucking tell you in hopes that someone hears this and goes, Bert, I got a quick fix for you. What's the, what's the big challenge for what, what are you doing wrong that you know you're doing wrong? Boos. Boos. It's booze. Boos opens a floodgate Like of it. You know what it does? It loosens my brain up to start shouting at me

Like like yesterday. I'm so good. I have this juice I drank the whole thing myself, right? That was all I had until about Three o'clock three o'clock. I had chicken breasts. I swear to you all my I'll tell you I'm gonna tell you exactly what I had I put it down on noom. There's noom of sponsor. This is exactly what I had. Yesterday? 2A-T, I measured it, Tom.

Yeah. I even weighed it, okay. I am super jealous, by the way. What, that booze is your thing. No, but as soon as I start drinking, then I allow myself to eat whatever the fuck I want. Right. And so, how do I go to, no, no, no, no.

How do I look at my last? I got it, I got it, here we go. Today's November 18th, right? Yeah, no Yep, there's no November 17th. You ready? This is I had 10,000 calories yesterday before I started drinking That thousand's pretty light man. Yeah, I had 99 calories of kale 95 calories of a granny Smith apple 11 calories of a cucumber. Is that one of these? Yep, okay Five calories of baby spinach. This is your your morning. That's my this is my entire day ready up until like that's how you start

This is yeah, that's my that's my morning. Okay. I had 326 calories of chicken breast 223 calories of pepper jack cheese on a chicken breast just to the razzle dazzle. 292 calories of coleslaw because fuckingly Ann bought Popeye's chicken and brought her home and I was like, I'll eat the coleslaw, that'll be healthy.

And it's not healthy. I might as well just had a handful of pepper jack cheese. And that's my day. And then now here's where the wheels come off. The leg of the booze start with time. The And that's my day. And then, and then, now here's where the wheels come off. When did the boo start? What time? Well, it looked like it sounded early to you. But like, five o'clock.

Okay. Five o'clock. Five o'clock we get COVID tests, right? Because my parents pull in, Ron's there. Oh, they're here now. Yeah, they took the bus. And so we tested everyone, my sisters, my brother-in-law, because we're all in a bubble now.

And so, and so I I you do realize you're outside I fucking as soon as I said that I said I'm outside the bubble But but this is a this is control cast you were tested with the other day Yes, and so I'm fine with this they are they're wearing masks. We're fine, okay, and so I open about a wine because we're everyone's negative and it's a start of Thanksgiving. Let's have a bottle of wine I open about a wine fine, right fit fine child start of Thanksgiving. Let's have a bottle of wine. I open a bottle of wine fine, right? Fit vine, shallot to fit vine. There's Seraja's awesome.

I drank all of that wine by myself, that one bottle, because it just fit vine goes down. So fucking easy. We go over to my sister's house, and they don't have snacks out because we're all dieting. And then I'll snack out, and I start spinning out of control. And then I start saying stuff like,

who the fucking invites someone over and doesn't have a cracker or cheese or something? So then they put out some cheese crackers, pepperonis, and I fuck it up. I mean, I've probably now had a thousand calories of that. And then dantanas shows up. They ordered out from dantanas. I was, I made myself sick.

It was like, it was up here where you start going, I think I'm gonna wrap sure something. Yeah. I mean, I ate a meatball, boniez, a white sauce pasta, a chicken, a chicken cutlet, like Parmesan chicken, three pieces of pizza, I'm just like, it's like almost like I can't stop. And'm there's and I'm not there's no like I don't know what goes on in a regular person's head where they go. I'm just gonna my wife goes

You know what I'm gonna stop right now because I don't think I'm full and I think I've had enough and I was like I'll just eat your plate to that right right and so I'm like I just can't do it and by the way Can I tell you the only way I can diet and I know this sounds horrible. This is how we did so, or the first way that sounds. I will, I at four o'clock, I wanted to just go four p.m. before my band, anyone got there, I said, if I take a Xanax right now, I will not drink and I will go to sleep and I can just go to sleep hungry because I'm on a Xanax and I'll pass out and I'll wake up with no calories. And that's the only way I can diet. That's a good way to do it. Yeah. It's like the Michael Jackson diet. If the only way I can diet, that's the only way I can diet. That's a good way to do it. Yeah, it's like the Michael Jackson diet. If the only way I can diet, that's the only way I can diet.

So it's like loss of control, right? Like when, especially if booze get injured. I'm so in control right now. Like I don't, I'm not hungry at all. I've had coffee, I've had the shake, I'm fine. So you guys came over the other night, you and Leanne. And I had the best time with you guys. I couldn't, I could not,

do you see me lose control on that? Yes. I was done eating my plate before Leanne and I had the best time with you guys. But, do you see me lose control in that? Yes. I was done eating my plate before Leanne and push it started. We were all talking about it. And you also had your second bowl. I'm a second bowl with fries. Tom, I had lost control when I got to your... Well, here you go.

You also had... You want to tell you the moment I lost control? When you opened the third bottle? No one would have pulled it. By the way, I was't think you also had a girlfriend. I can tell you the moment I lost control. And when you opened the third bottle, no one would have pulled it. By the way, I was drinking bottles by myself at that point. Pushes asleep, going, can you do this at your house? Hold on. I said a statement and this is when I lost control.

Okay, I said a statement. I hit me that pen. Can you? No, it's not a gag. Cause I wanna remember something. Thank you. I said, we got into your house and you said something, would you like a glass of wine?

I said, yeah, fill it up and pour it. I need it quick. Like I was spinning out at your house. My shoes were tight, remember? Yeah. And I was like, and I had a hard time getting my shoes off. You know you're gaining weight when your shoes are tight. Yeah. And it's not, it's not my shoes off. You know you're gaining weight when your shoes are tight. Yeah

And it's not it is not from tying them. No, they're boots. Yeah And so and that first glass of wine I Ripped through and and then remember you guys brought up cheese. I was like no, no, no, no, I'm gonna die I'm not gonna touch that and you guys were like are you sure and I was like, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna die it, I'm not gonna touch that. And you guys were like, are you sure? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then push goes, I made some comfort food. And I just, I ate it before, I was trying to slow down because I was trying to pace myself with you.

And I couldn't, I was like, it's done, it's done. Another bowl. And push hadn't even sat down yet. Yeah. Shad had even sat down and she was like, it was a beef stew. It's a beef stew. I had two bowls of it, some pecan pies on my screen,

and three bottles of wine at your house. Yeah. Yeah. And that's not the bottle of wine I had, because you don't know this, but I brought three bottles of wine to your house, and I put two in the car and left them there for the ride home. Ah!

You remember I said, do you guys have a roadie cup? You're like, you want me to fill it up with wine? I go, I got wine in the car, and then I drink on the ride home, and then kept drinking at my house, just're like, you want me to fold up his wine, I go, I go wine in the car. And then I drink on the ride home, and then kept drinking in my house, just going like, I'm gonna fuck up some pretzels. I hate pretzels that night. Yeah, okay, but actually it all makes sense.

It, I mean like, hearing you lay it out, it is that like, because most people, myself included, I don't drink that much, but every time I do, like go any extra, I completely have no regard for what I'm going to eat completely. Like, I already eat too much, and I'm not disciplined enough as it in an eater, but if you introduce booze to me, it definitely falls apart. Definitely. When we were on the Go Big Show, I didn't, I was really scared about COVID and at the time, very scared because we had been on tour

and I was getting legit tested every day. And so the first we quarantined for five days, I wanna say, five days we quarantined for, and my cousin, Andrew, it signed me up as a pescatarian as a dick move. He was like, you need to lose weight. He's like, I'm signing you up as a pescatarian. Where?

Yeah, because all meals were delivered. Okay. So the first few meals show up and I started losing weight aggressively because I just started drugging myself at four o'clock in the evening. Like I just be like, I don't wanna eat. And so I just take a Xanx and then Tom, this is super bad, is if I wasn't asleep by eight, I'd take another another half of Xanax and just fucking pass out. I had nothing to do. I was in a hotel room and

I lost so much weight by drugging myself It's like the bill cause we diet fucking so But fuck man, so what time would you get up in them? Wouldn't you be like hung over in the morning from the- That sleep all day. Yeah. Fucking sleep all day. I wasn't drinking.

I didn't drink for the first two weeks of that show. And I was just, I know. But here's the deals. I also, I'm also a little, I'm a little litigious with Xanix. So like that first day, I was coming in hot. I was like, I was like, I'm very hung over. We've been partying at a beach house

with the whole crew, the whole tour. And so I came in, and that night I gave myself a Xanax that I got into the room. And like four, at five, dinner got served, and I thought, if I take a Xanax right now, I won't eat it. I'll put it in the fridge, save it for later. Took a Xanax at eight o'clock that night,

I took another half of a Xanax. And by the way, when I say half, it's still under a Took a Xanax at eight o'clock that night, I took another half of a Xanax. And by the way, when I say half, it's still under a milligram of Xanax, and it's only like 7.75 milligrams of Xanax. And I was out and I slept the whole next day. I just kept sleeping, I got up, I took a walk at like four p.m. I watched the sunset and I drug myself again.

Now I'm like no calories, right? I know this isn't healthy. That's why they call me the Alex Jones of fitness. I drug myself again and I go just now, it's just one Xanax pass out, sleep until 10, right? I wish the whole country was just taking Xanax. You know, right? It's such a good, it's so good for you.

It's not addictive and it just makes you strong. But I wean myself off. From whatever that first time is, everything there is less and less. And then you get a couple nights where you're like, what about a Xanax and you're like, no, I can't do that. And so then you got to have one or two nights of those.

Yeah. Where you're like, you're just like, I'm not sleeping great. Yeah. And then you just start sleeping great again. And so. This by the way, it reminds me of Joey's note if you eat way too high a dosage of adibles, which is what he does daily. He's like, nah, you gotta do, you take a baby's anix

and I go, what do you mean he goes, take the edge off, that's to move. You take like 500 milligrams and then you just take a little baby's anix and then it's just smooth. I was like, no, it's not. Yeah, you had to do that, right? Yeah, it didn't work at all. Are you serious? Fuck no, I was fucking, no, it's not. Yeah, you had to do that, right? Yeah, it didn't work at all. Are you serious?

Fuck no, I was fucking losing my mind. What was that like? He went on stage with a thousand milligrams in him. He did? Yeah. And then I was like, how did you get through that? He was like, that's why I wrapped it up, starting to freak out.

But like, you never see it on him. Like, you don't ever see his panic. He says that he's to freak out. But like you never see it on him. Like you don't ever see his panic. He says that he's actually freaking out. I talked to Eric Andre about it. Eric Andre says, if he does mushrooms, he likes to take a little Xanax to make sure it's a fun drip. But I, my problem is I don't know what you're really all your heaviest right now ever?

No, not ever. I've been, I have been heavier, but right now I cannot, I cannot reel it in at night. This reminds me of the funniest thing you said. What? So we were, we had dinner, we were drinking. You were laying on the couch, you were a member I went and you were like,

I feel it would be, come on, fill it up, fill it up and I feel it. I feel like a thing. And then we were talking about pep tides and aging, and you were like, Leanne's fucking 50. And I go, you know, I'm 41, and I go, so much younger than you guys, because you guys are all older than me.

And I go, gosh, like, I don't even know when, what it's like, when will I be 50? And Leanne goes, Lee goes well nine years. And then she go, you go, and you'll be like, you know, she goes, you'll be 50 and I'll be almost 60. And you go, it's so gross, you're gross, so gross. I couldn't stop laughing. You were calling her gross for aging.

I told you that we were somewhere that, when someone was saying, oh, I'm fine, I know I'm gonna get lit up for this. Someone goes, our friend's wife has gained like 150 pounds or something. What? Yeah, and then, and then, and our other friend's wife

was an alcoholic, and I just was like, first off, if your spouse gains out much weight, you cheat on them. And Leanne goes, you're at your fattest right now. And I was like, oh, I was like, oh shit, I didn't realize what I said. Yeah, and then the other one was, our friend's wife is an alcoholic,

but she makes all the money. And I was like, well, no one's gonna say anyone to an alcoholic who's making the money. They just keep the fuck a mouth shut. Leanne's like, ha ha ha ha ha. Realize what you're saying. By the way, can I tell you, I'm still upset. I talked about this in therapy.

I'm still upset that we had a scenario where Leanne says someone said, Bert, who's everyone's moving out of LA, they said, Bert, hypothetical situation. If you were gonna leave, where would you wanna live? And I said, maybe Florida and Leanne goes, hold on, we have not talked about this at all. And I went, this is a hypothetical situation.

She goes, yeah, I know, but I don't wanna live in Florida. I go, yeah, but this is hypothetical. They didn't say, hey, Bert, dead serious. You have to move tomorrow. We're gonna kill your whole family. And let me talk to Leanne. I'm not, I go, type of that in a fucking situation. What am I supposed to, okay?

Oh, let me get back to you in a month after I've talked to Leanne about it. And we've slept on it. I go, fuck, I got so pissed. she's been doing that so much to me lately. Oh, she's jumps on me. You might, you guys by the way are way more harsh with each other. That's one thing I noticed. For real?

Yeah. What do you mean? Like the way you guys talk to each other, you're, maybe it's a good thing. You guys are very direct and you're like, it's Leigh Ann. Yeah. Leigh Ann has a thing called brutal honesty. Brutal honesty. Like when she was saw your play, you can't act.

You ain't a good actor. Yeah. Don't listen. And I was like, a lot of people just say it was great. And then just go on with it. She's like, well, why would I lie? I was like, a lot of people just lie. It makes it easier to be with people.

Yeah. Hahaha. I was like fucking so cool that this is what I'm falling in love with. Yeah. And then like the whole thing like, well you're fat. You got to lose weight. You're fat. You're fat.

No, it's crows. And you're like, no I see it too. She's, she's, she goes goes she told me one time She said something about running she goes well Running is just stupid. It's not working and I went what do you mean it's not working? She goes not working look at you And I was like I know she goes you need to switch it up. He looks wait. You need to do something It's just not working. This is spin class or bullshit. And I was like, you sound like Rogan.

Like that is what Joe says. Is this spin class and the running is bullshit? You gotta lift weights. I'm like, what the fuck? Like did I marry a little fucking Rogan? That just keeps it real one hot. Like you know Joe's fucking the realest dude you'll ever meet. Yeah, I'll tell you.

He's direct. He's direct. Leanne's direct and I'm not direct at all. I would rather you feel good about yourself. Right. Tell someone they look great. God. Wait, do you have the Lisa left eye pool?

Oh, what a hell. You can't throw your headphones on. Why, what did I say? No, this was like, this eye laughed so hard in the moment, but also even afterwards. What is it? It's a clip. It's a clip from when we did...

Our live show. Our live show. Will it play here? It will, okay. When we did our live show. Last one. Am I drunk at this point? I think so.

When we tell this story, we remember Lisa left high as those as... We're way more than we remember on Zerai's Rhyse. Let's hear it again. When we tell the story, we remember Lisa left-hand solosas. More way more than we remember on Zerai's Rhyse. I love that clip. Holy shit. Ah, how fucked up was that? 50 less than loses.

Way more than under us. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. What are I'm getting Alzheimer's? You're nuts. I wonder if I'm getting the, you know what? You're just drunk there. You know Michael J. Fox got Parkinson's at 29. No, I didn't know who's that young.

I made me feel so much better about it. So I was like, I so would have already shown up already. Parkinson's? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't think you're you're you have that. I don't think I do now. You always wonder. Yeah.

Yeah, like you get out of bed, you're like, you're a shaky man. I have I have a disease genetics. What disease? No, there's so many people in my family. Are bad diseases? Cancer's, yeah, so many. We don't have, no, there's no cancer in my family, knock on, fucking wood.

Adjust in the last two weeks to people in my family got diagnosed with cancer. Really? Yeah. And it's already been other people, you know. Why don't they have like a screening process early where you can just do like, Ophroll?

They can, they can see if you have genetic markers for process early where you can just do like, they do. Oh, for real? They can, they can see if you have genetic markers for these things. Oh. But like the way they do COVID, it's so nice to know you're in the clear. Yeah. I wish I could just swab your nasal.

They need more testing for more stuff at home testing. They need apps that test for shit. Like what? Like for cancer, if you have a cancer app, and you just put your thumb on the thing and they're like, you're predisposed to cancer. Yeah. Or my thing's heart disease, that's how I'm going. You are?

That's why I run so much. Yeah, I'm gonna have a heart disease or stroke. That's why I wake up every morning, check my face, smile, make sure I'm not having a stroke. Yeah, because you were always worried about bells palsy too. Still worried about bells palsy. Why that specifically? Because it just, it fucking, it's like,

you can't, you stand up, you're just fucked until the Lord decides your face gets to work again. Yeah. And he ifs got it. And he was, dude, I think Eddie ifs got it in an airport. Like it's just, in an airport he started going, girl, what's the fuck's happening? Oh my God.

And he was like, hey, this is not cool. That's really scary. It happened to Tony Gonzalez He had Bells Paulsy. Yeah, no fucking way. Yeah. Did you talk about that? Mm-hmm They to pull a picture of Tony Gonzalez Bells Paulsy. I don't think he went out when he had it Oh, let's see if we got it we find it. He didn't play. Did he make that way? How did you know that he had it because it was like reported? Yeah Oh my god, he looks like Silvestre Stallone there. That is Silvestre Stallone. Oh, yeah It was like reported. Yeah. Oh my god, it looks like Silvestre's still on there. That is Silvestre's still on there.

Oh. Yeah. He's such a good looking man. Yeah. Who's he married to? Her name is October. For real? What a badass name.

Yeah, I don't think there's gonna be a photo of him like that, but he definitely had it. If you go back to just results. Seven celebrity sweat bell palsy. Scroll down, scroll down, go back, go back, scroll down, go back, scroll down. Okay, scroll down over to the right where it looks like Bill Hicks is on there.

Seven celebrities sweat bell palsy. Let's see who they are. Does it say who's that? Oh, see Andrew Lloyd Weber, okay? Okay. Then Pierce Brosden, wow. He got it in his belt in his youth, it says George Clooney. George Clooney, you can get any of it. He got it in middle school. Tony Gonzalez. Yeah.

He could throw back up. It says I was during the off season in 07. Yeah, he changed his diet. Oh my God, you can get it from your diet. Think so. There you go. Rick Savage, Def Leopard, Roseanne Bar. I didn't know she had that. Roseanne Bar has bells palsy. Stallone. Oh. No, you got that. Wait, those are residual effects from his stupid slur and his smile. No, his mom tried to abort him as a baby and you didn't know this? This is true, his mom tried to get an abortion.

I'm being serious. Okay. I got a Google it. I think, maybe I made this up. Maybe you made this up. Stallone abortion story. Okay, here we go. I'm getting excited. I'm getting excited. Maybe you made this up. Still on abortion story. Okay, here we go. I'm not sure if I'm gazing at either of you in a minute,

so thanks a lot. You gotta read it out loud. I know I'm trying to read it, see this. Okay, that's not it. Go to, just typing some restrious to-loan face. It was, maybe it was a birthing. Like when they were birthing him, they put claws on his face to pull him out.

And then that's what did it to his face. But it just said that it was Bell's palsy. It's not. Okay. See, during the complications during his birth, not in a abortion, my bad. Scroll, I can't see. For the reason he has a snared lip and a start smile.

Oh, yeah, it was from his birth. It was not his abortion. Not his abortion. It was not a failed abortion either. Shout out to the Svastros Sloan. I'm not a good listener. So can you go back to the Gonzalez Diet Change? So we can see what it is.

Let's do it. I'll do it today. Yeah, so, but like it's actually in the, no, just back out to the previous. I'll tell you right now and back and yeah, and get the actual. Put me on a diet. I'll do it to a tee if it includes fit fine. Okay, he decided to change his usual menu, which include a lot of hamburger, steaks, french fries, milkshake.

His diet was full of fats. He changed his entire approach to eating. Let's see what it says he went to though, because I know that, yeah. So make that larger if you can. Okay, Duelman was a nutritionist assigned to Kansas City players to make sure they eat right when he was with the chiefs. He went to her for ideas.

It was a two year process to overhaul his dieting. What do you see? Okay, let's talk about what's on his plate. Oh, here we go. Fish, brown rice, veggies, fiber, nutrients, long lasting calorie energy. And then let's see, plan a post workout snack. Mm.

Chocolate milk, she said, is something that's perfect, really? Your muscles and protein need protein and milk has it, drink it within 20 minutes of finishing your workout. Healthy eating in the right snack after working on two keys to his plan. Do you think Tony Gonzalez is the best looking Mexican dude alive? Uh, that's a really...

That's a fucking Mexican. That's a fucking Mexican. I bet Tony Gonzalez is the best looking Mexican dude alive? Uh, that's a really... Type in, that's looking Mexican. That's looking Mexican. I bet Tony Gonzalez, let's just real quick, who do you think is best looking Mexican guys? Oh, I'm obsessed with Latino dudes getting the haircuts right now. Have you ever seen that on Instagram? Latino dudes getting haircuts. I'm like, watch it all day long. I have not been watching that.

Looks like there's a bunch of. A lot of Hispanic guys, not Hispanic guys. I want Mexican guys. Best looking Mexican guys. There's gotta be good. I think, just so you know, I think Tony is a multi-ethnic, you know? Those are the names of Gonzalez. Ooh, Mario Lopez.

Very good, guys. Mario Lopez is fucking hot. Yeah, he's good. Okay, go to, there's gotta be a website that shows, go to the main page, all. There's gotta be top 10. Okay, there we go, found on the web. Pull them up, let's see.

Aaron Diaz from E Online. Mario Lopez. Gail? Gail? Garcia Beyond, no. But no. Pull up Gail. You know him. No, I don't, I've never, but no. He's pull up Gail. You know him.

No, I don't. I've never heard of him. He's a famous actor. You see him. You see his image. You'll recognize him. No, what was he in? I mean, dozens of movies.

I don't know. I don't recognize him there. He kind of looks like. Okay. Gail. Mm-hmm. Amores Perros. He's from a month's time being.

Yeah. No, nope, nope. I've never seen one of those fucking movies. A Morris Perros, a few Mom and Mom's 10bn. Yeah, Morris, nope, nope, nope, nope. I've never seen one of those fucking movies. He's gotta be in the scene when it was released on Netflix or something. Yeah, Coco, I saw that, but he's not in it. Okay.

I have not seen one of these fucking movies. I'm sure you've seen him. I've never seen, hold on, go back. Give me, you tell me about letters to Juliet. Did you see it? I didn't see letters to Juliet. Tell me about bad education. You did not see that either.

But I did see the first three mentioned. Which ones? Amores, perils, e to my mansion. Yeah, could you speak Spanish? No, those were like huge, huge movies. You two mom attend the end? Yeah, that was like in American theaters and everything. And it's, it's subtitles?

Yeah. What are the odds I'm gonna fucking watch it? I didn't think about that. Exactly. Motorcycle Diaries? I know that's about a Che Guevara. Yeah. But I don't, I don't, I didn't watch it.

Okay. 2004 I was busy having kids. Mozart in the jungle? Didn't watch that. I was a TV show apparently. Go to his IMD beats. It's easier to, yeah. By the way, I'm no joke.

Yeah. There's not one of these movies that I've seen. But it was IMDb, it's easier to... Yeah, by the way, I'm no joke. Yeah? There's not one of these movies that I've seen. I, I, I don't know, man. I feel like let's look at this list. Is he in like any James Bond movies? Oh, I can't believe it. Kindergarten teacher, Cocoa, I saw his heart, doctor's lunch, salt and fire.

You're killing me, Susanna, De Theerto, Eva doesn't sleep, Zoom, Rosewater, Ardo, Vamps, no, Decierto, Eva doesn't sleep. Zoom, Rosewater, Ardo, Vamps, no, Casa Dami, Madre. Fucking Zilla at the Loneys Planet, Tom, not one of these fucking movies. Is there anything anyone's ever seen? He's a good-looking dude. He's a good-looking dude.

He just needs to get into some movies. All right. Great review. Good-looking guy. And it has never worked. I got it. So Ryan Goosman, who's he? He's fucking striking. Let's go looking guy. I love his ears. Got nice ears. He's got like interesting ears that looks like he was like like they almost did it like that. He's got

like the wrestler ear there on the right. Yeah. He's right here. Look at that black and white there. Yeah, that one. Yeah. That's like that the right. Yeah, he's right ear. Look at that black and white there. Yeah, that one. Yeah. That's like that wrestler ear. Dude, that's bad ass. If they could do that in cosmetic surgery, I'd have that done to my ears.

And you'd be like, yeah, wrestling college. Oh. Like that kind of thing. People were like, oh really? I'm gonna just come up with a million dollar idea. Fuck up your ears so that you can say your wrestled. But not bad so you can't hear and not bad so they're uncomfortable.

Just like a little sexy Guzman fold Yeah The Guzman fold will call the good the Guzman the Guzman fold I get a Guzman fold. Come on. So he's a fold in espignol I don't know I remember So what do you do with your clothes you just throw them in the drawer? That's a good question Wait, what have we just found this pair of people don't full close? No, they do I just I Ah, es una buena pregunta. ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces?

No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no.

No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no.

No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No,men dobles, eh? How do you say goobless? Dozo, goobless? Goosmen dobles. Goosmen? Goosmen? Ah, see, Kailinda.

What do you do? I'm texting a guest. Don't say who it is. Future guest for Tom Tox. Goosmen? No, goobry all Galleasin. No, but I'd love to have one. Okay, go back to Hot Mexican dudesudes. Go back to Hot Mexican Dudes. By the way, we're blowing Jay Hernandez, smoke show.

Yeah. Diego Bonetta. Uh-huh. Don't know who that is. Let me see, Diego Bonetta. I'm a pass. He looks like he kind of looks like he's not dangerous. He's got a...

You went like a narco factor. No, you know what I want? I want young Benicio del Toro factor. There was a smokiness in Benicio del Toro besides Puerto Rican. I need that. Okay. He plays Mexican Wattho. He'll just give him a lot of Latin work. Yeah. Okay. Oh, as Max Kimuelato. He'll just give him a lot of Latin work.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, Benicio del Toro. Yeah. Type in. All right. Let's go fucking. You be honest.

He's a fucking man. Is there one dude on that list? Yeah. That could go toe-to-toe with young Benicio del Toro. Young Benicio del Toro is the fucking. I remember dating a chick that had fucked Benicio del Toro in a parking lot outside of liquor floor. I remember dating a chick that had fucked Vinicio Dattoro in a parking lot outside of Lichtenflot. And that turned me on so much.

I just want to slap you. Can you imagine what his list is like of women he fucked in parking lots? Oh bro, we need to get him for our next live show. Yes. Vinicio, I put that down on the list. Vinicio Dattoro. And you know he speaks Spanish. You can just fucking loosen him up with that shit.

No, he speaks fluent English. No, but it's also, don't you guys connect when you guys speak Spanish? Sure, sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Benicio Dattoro, give me a fucking, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's scroll through these pictures.

Look at those fucking eyes. Yeah. Yeah, I would pay hardcore money to watch his hair get cut. Okay. Oh, look at this one. This one's James Bond. Yeah, I would pay hardcore money to watch his hair get cut Okay, oh Look at this one this one James Bond. That's when he was in license to kill That's when I first discovered when he sailed a tour on I was like this guy's fucking fascinating Is he the bad guy in that? Yeah, he's bad guy and he got come on the lip and he like did one of these like Yeah, he's acting choices are so good. He's a great actor. I wonder what he's like to hang out with.

I bet I bet he likes to tie one on. Okay, he's got those vibes. Before we wrap this up. Yeah, you ready? Yeah. Me and you get to pick besties in three categories. We're gonna start our own low rat pack of actors, but we gotta to be that

more diverse. So we need a Latino actor, a black actor and, uh, and, uh, Asian actor. Do you feel like that, um, you brought up good looking Mexican guys because you think they should get the vaccine first? No, that's, no, I was incorrect. I didn't, I thought that's what, when they said the morality of the vaccine, I thought they were talking about like what race should get first. And, and, and Leigh Angus, no, they're talking about old people versus young people. And I went, oh, I was like, I didn't know that that's, why is that important? And she was like, that's who's spreading it and who it's killing. Yeah. And I went, oh, I, because I've been hearing the news. And all I hear is the Latino community and L.A. is the most affected.

Yeah, so in my head, I'm like, we'll give it to them first. I didn't realize that young people are getting it and They're the reason that it's being spread Yeah, so you so it's irresponsible to give it. I didn't by the way, I'm Half-listened to all of this information. This sounds about right and so If you give it to young people, you stop the spread of the virus, because they're the ones going out to bars and going, it's not real, it doesn't affect us. So if you give it to young people that helps it,

but then if you give it to old people, that's actually irresponsible. I don't know, I wasn't realizing it irresponsible you give it to old people. I don't fucking idea. I listen to this German, this not German, but the most boring, the most boring British guy who didn't have a good wireless connection.

Oh, and they cut out. Sorry. Yeah. And they cut out. And I was like, I don't know what you're saying. And I'm barely listening. And then the girl he's talking to was hot shit in American accent. I was like, you're not that hot with an American accent.

If you had a British accent, she would be a fucking 10. Yeah. But with an American accent, she was a fucking six. Yeah. And so I was that how you break down the news usually? By the way, that's what I was doing listening to this news is like, yeah, it sounds like she's just from like the like Kansas. Yeah. And so, um, but that's the, that's the morality of the vaccine is who gets it first.

And so, and so the other saying give it to young people. But it's amazing that my brain immediately, because I've been hearing so much about who is affected. And I think, can I tell you, I think the other thing that's bothering me is that I feel like there is such hypocrisy in the white liberal, wealthy community of this virus. I think they preach this. There definitely is.

I mean, you can start with the governor of this state. Yeah, that fucking cocksucker was at the French laundry with a group of 12 or 14. There's photos that were released and he's sitting there telling everybody, you know, stay home, gather and don't gather in groups larger than six. He's out there fucking around at the best restaurant in the world. Look, I understand the attraction of going there, but he's, yeah, he was there with a large group. See, that's what a fucking governor, that's what fucking,

and so, and also, this is where my brain goes. When you talk about this vaccine, I know for a fact, and look, I'm a part of this also, so I'm not, I'm definitely not pointing fingers. I can't stand this guy. But I know that if you put out a vaccine, who will get it first is wealthy people. Hollywood will get it first.

It'll start flooding. And by the way, I'll be a part of that. I'll probably be like, how much for the vaccine? To get my family, you know, as opposed to a lottery. And so then I, so when I heard this, I was like, I was thinking basically, rich white people are gonna definitely get this vaccine. First, they're all the people that are gonna go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I need it. Yeah, I'm important

I'm important and then the people that we get it last is like is like the people in the most The people that are most effective to do it the girl that's working at CBS the other night at two in the morning when I go in And I have a toothache that girl I'm a fucking that more teeth problem by the way wait what's your tooth? I'm fucking don't want to get into it is isn that my dentist said, well, this is a shit show. And I was like, oh my god, and he was like, we're gonna have to do some grafting and removing skin.

And this is gonna be a process. And I was like, you just convinced me? Not to deal with it. And so I stopped dealing with it. That's gonna go well. Not dealing with it. Don't you think it's gonna be worse that way? Yeah, I'm certain.

And I'm hoping that maybe I was hoping we'd take a ride in McLaren those hills, and we'd just die. And then my last thought would be it, at least I don't have to go to the fucking dentist. My point being, my point being, I saw this as a, when I heard the morality clause, I saw this as a socioeconomic issue as opposed to a age issue. And I didn't realize that it had nothing to do with socioeconomics. But I still think, but I think you're right.

I think it does. Four people are gonna get lost. Yeah, I think it does. And you look at the Latino American community, or let's just let's see the community in LA, that's who's getting hit the hardest, is because every single fucking Mexican person in LA is still working every goddamn day

and isn't putting the safest conditions. Now I'm not, it's not like I'm virtue signaling, but that's so that's when Liam brought that up I went Mexican they get it first. Yeah, she was like we what? I was like white people get it last white people get it last and then I'm gonna joke about it on Twitter I say short people she get it first because they're in everyone's breath And then I didn't realize that short people get really upset by that shit. They do. And being called short and being caught up in everyone's breath. Then tall people are just like, yeah man, I'm breathing fresh air all day.

Six, six, son. God, it would be the best to be that tall. Uh-uh, no, not at all. And it's the other thing with having a big dick. I don't want to have a big dick. I think we got perfect dicks. You don't want one? No.

I want, I got the one I want and I got the one I'm happy with. Why is that? It is mockable. If you saw it, you would mock it. Yeah. And if there are pictures of it online, I would be mortified of it. I have pictures of it.

Yeah, you do. Yeah, I think Netflix does too. But I like my dick. I saw this, this porn, black dude, like legit 12 inch dick. Legit 12 inch dick. The girl could barely get the head of it in her mouth. Yeah, imagine it doesn't get you so hard though when you see that.

When she's just like, what she's like, I can't make it fit. Yeah, but think about that poor guy. He's never had a girl literally just put their whole dick in their mouth and then just swish it around. No, no swishing. Like, I mean, he's not like, Leanne can get like, she can't deep throat me, but like, I get that head on my deck in her mouth,

a hundred percent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, make that a T-shirt. So you wouldn't, you wouldn't want though to have one that just like, I know, and it doesn't even get all the way hard. Oh, that's super huge, Dave. When you have a big, type in the problems with a big dick.

And then let's make everyone feel good about their small dicks. Okay. The problems, problems. And also you can email us with your big dick problems. But send a picture. Well, you don't have to. Send a picture.

Well, they might be reluctant to. Your big dick going like this, going like this. Yeah. What am I supposed to do with this huge dick? Yeah, tell, like make people feel good about their regular sized dicks. Okay, this is how it is. What does it say here?

Sometimes you're left scrambling for bars. You know what I'm, what's this say? Oh, she was doubled over in pain after we finished, looking back, I don't know how we avoided the emergency room. So yeah, you're hurting people. And you know what, you become a trophy trophy fuck Yeah, is that girl start talking? Who do I know that has a really big day the average flaccid penis is between three and a half to four inches

Well the average erection falls between four and a half to six and a half range. I'm at the top Yep, so that's a big dick for average people. Yeah, but it's not a big dick trust me From what a good term if your penis is larger than eight inches in length when erect it puts you in the top two percent of people in the world Wow So that's yeah, you're like you said you're like a Todd met this guy measures 10 inches erect Jordan won up somebody in about an inch and Falcon. Yeah, that's the guy. He has a 13 and a half inch dick at full mast Falcons big penis has been documented on HBO Rolling Stone, Howard Stern. He has pledged to donate his massive member to the Icelandic

Fological Museum when he dies. That's a trip we need to take. Oh my god. Note itself, hit up Iceland. He says let's say in his 20s he was like a kid in the candy store. Eventually the burden starts to overshadow the blessing. When guys tell me they wish they had my penis, they look up to me from a sexual alpha male point of view. But what percentage of your life do you spend actually using your penis for sex? Keep scrolling. He's got a jog with that. Right. Take something as simple as riding a bike.

It's a nightmare. So, yeah. Yep. Where do I put my penis when I'm on a bike seat? I have to keep my legs closed, but they're constantly rubbing ice, and I'm sitting on it. If I want to go for a nice ride, the pain distracts from the euphoria of the journey itself. In a public urinal, if I'm not careful,

my penis will hang down and touch the edge of the urinal. Or in the water. Like an elephant drinking. Oh, no. He's a germaphobe. Keep going, this is a condom conundrum. He uses the largest possible condom and it only covers half of his dick.

Jeez. Keep going. When you constantly have to keep one hand on your rubber to make sure you slip off during sex, it takes the fun out of the process. My penis is thicker than my wrist. So girls have to adjust to the girth, but I've event very few people who can of the process. My penis is thicker than my wrist, so girls have to adjust to the girth, but I've met very few people who can handle the width.

He can put a watch on his dick. Oh my God, there's a lot of people. Keep going, that keeps going. This makes me feel so good about my dick. God, telling them about your penis size, just awkward in itself. A girl doesn't want to feel like she has to have sex differently with you.

She wants to just go with the flow and not stop because she's in pain. Okay, everybody feel better now? He is a three-month no-sex rule. I'll tell a girl I want to wait a few months before we do it, to weed out the women who are just interested in him for his dick. Oh my God. I felt like I've been used for my penis in the past.

Oh my God. Yeah, most of us don't have that story. Just using me for my life. Let's, can we put a name to a face or a face to it? I want to see a picture of this dude. Oh yeah, there's a lot of pictures. Let me see it. This guy. His name, which is full name, it says it there. I'm sure at the top. Jonah Falcon. That's his name. Jonah Falcon penis. And it'll come up if you Google that. I bet if you just type in Jonah Falcon, it'll come up. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, it's like his SAT scores. That's him.

He is, hold on, he's white. Yeah. I did not see that coming. Yeah. Let's see his dick, I'd like to see his dick, please. Look at it in those bike shorts right there. That is ridiculous. Yeah. Let's see his dick. I'd like to see his dick. Please look at it in those bike shorts right there. That is ridiculous. Yeah.

You know, you'd think he'd like, nothing, no slight on Jonah, but like, I mean, look at him in those bike shorts, the white ones. Wait, I wanna see his dick, guys. Does he not show his dick to be cool? He's showing it, he's showing it, yeah. Let's see.

I've seen it in a documentary, he's in a documentary about it. That's not his dick Is that me? Scroll up Is that Tom Rhodes? I don't know if that is What if we set what if we found a Tom Rhodes sex tape or all this stuff? I'll like randomly look at him. Someone get go to, type in to go to Pornhub and go Jonah Falcon.

All right. And this is how we'll, oh, oh, oh, he jerks off with two hands. These are not him. I swear he has dick pics because he's done documentaries. He's been in duck. Oh my God, is that him? That is him. So it's flaccid right now though.

His balls look like fucking grape fruits too man. He's totally flaccid. You can pull it. Yeah. You can put it in his own ass. Looks like he can. Well maybe it's because he plays with it so much. I don't think so.

I think he was, um, he can put it in his own asshole. It look at the size of his balls. By the way, is this the kind of guy that like, his dick so big that sexuality doesn't mean anything to him? It seems, it seems like that was part of the message here. I mean, that like all the, he's shoving his dick and his own ass. He's shoving, I'm trying this tonight.

I'm trying this tonight. Good luck. I can't go over my balls like that I'm gonna go wrong. Holy shit. I think we got it. No, no, we haven't put it. I want to see the whole dick in his ass Look at him. Why wouldn't you fuck yourself in the ass? Yeah Yeah, why wouldn't you does it get hard hard? Is it just soft the whole time? I think in this video, but oh no, that's He's always gonna jack himself off. I didn't know what we were watching here hey Joe now what's up oh oh he just came we just want to do jack himself after putting his dick in his

ass and now he's like oh fuck doing I do think that I god happy is by the way by the way that is like this is the most hey real quick interview back out of that and see if there's anymore hey we can share that on Facebook real quick wait okay okay do you see the one wait wait the one go down middle that one right there? Yeah, look look at him right there. Oh, he's skinnier right but also that's his flaccid dick right there. You see Like that's Might as well click that picture. I mean why are we just doing it half-screen Good point

That's same size and it's right behind the camera. If you're looking at boogie nights, scroll up please. Oh yeah yeah yeah I want to see his face. Can you, the camera's right behind the camera. I know but he can't, he probably can't even, when there we go. Yeah. Wow that goes past his tan line. Yeah. My dick doesn't look like that. Not at all. Hey, how about this for a challenge? What's up?

I know we need to end this soon, but how about this for a challenge? We do tasteful nudes. The person that does the best tasteful nude, post them online, it gets the most votes wins. Tastes like that. What part of you're not knowing me thinks that I'm gonna be like, that is a really good idea, let's do that. Okay, here's what I realized.

This is what, our challenges need to be, yeah, it was good by the way, wasn't it? That was, I mean, it wasn't bad. I wouldn't have a drink as much as you, but yeah, I enjoyed it, thank you. I have a problem with impulse, I'd like to fill it up. Tastel Nudes.

Tastel Nudes, we shoot this before January. I'm not going to do tasteful nudes. I'll go to, I will direct you in an adult scene with a professional. How about this? What if we do, let's type in number one selling calendars. Let's do a calendar, a two bears one cave calendar, that we can sell on our website for starting January.

We got to put in production quick, okay? And then that'll be a great Christmas present. Maybe Christmas is a little late, but that'll be a great type in number one selling, best selling calendars, jeopardy. Poo-ping, what's pooping? Poo-ping pooches. Like, we'll do, like, firemen in one, right?

So we'll do like, firemen. You really wanna do this? Yeah, we'll do firemen in one, and then we'll be like naughty cops He's back to male strippers, right and we'll do 12 different styles each month So like October will be in leaderosen, right? But like sexy our dicks are out. No, no, no, no, no, just sexy sexy. It's for all the bare fans We have like the gay dudes and women, okay, and and regular dudes too. I think we're gonna enjoy it

I think regular dudes would love that. I think that's a really good thing. And it's a great present to get somebody. I mean, it sounds like you're saying that a gay dude can't be a regular dude, but I get what you're saying. I meant regular. God damn it.

I meant regular. I meant regular. When I meant regular, I mean sex, six feet tall. Oh, okay, so like six feet tall guys, yeah. They're the regular ones. So we do, we do, how, okay, real quick, real quick. I know we're wrapping this up, but people, we talk guys. Yeah, they're the regular ones. So we do we do how okay real quick real quick I know we're wrapping this up, but people here we go January what's our what's our what's our theme for January? What's January give you it's gotta be like sexy snow suits, right? Yeah, it's winter

Winter, sexy snow suits. So are we always touching each other in the photos? No, we're seeing it like we're like We're like you know what January be good for what a sauna shot We're seeing it, like we're like, you know what January be good for? What, a sauna shot. A sauna shot? You know what I mean? Yeah, okay. Hey, are you writing these down the dov?

Yup. Okay, he's not writing them down. He's writing them down. Okay, it's January, it's sauna, it's February. You know what I'm thinking. What, black history month? Oh, I thought you were gonna say Valentine's Day. Oh, Valentine's Day, right down Valentine's Day.

Probably better than where I was going with this. Okay. Probably a lot better. Valentine's Day. Oh, Valentine's Day, right down Valentine's Day. It's probably better than where I was going with this. Okay. Probably a lot better. Valentine's Day, February's Valentine's Day, so to be cute, it's March is basketball. Oh March, madness. March madness. What do you think about with March?

I mean, March is, I usually think about like, we're gonna be getting into spring, right? It's like the end of, okay. Are you guys could be googling these months too and see what, see what, April, April, April, so is the golden showers, we're pissing on end of... Okay. You know, you guys could be googling these months too and see what... April, April. April showers. So it was golden showers. We're pissing on each other.

Okay. No, but we are kind of pissing on each other, but with hosts. April's Easter. Oh, two bunnies. Two bunnies. Two bunnies? Yep.

April May, January, February, March. April May. You have to go like that to get that. What's May? May Day, May Day. Type in May Day. May Day. Oh, so go to Mayo. How about singing? Yeah, we May Day. Type in May Day. May Day. Oh, so go to Mayo.

How about singing to Mayo? Yeah, we dropped out of his Mexicans. Okay. All right. June. June is. So you're getting a summer? June Gloom.

June Gloom. Goth. We'll dress as Goth. Okay. Okay, Goth. All right. January 4th. July, America.

July, America. July, Red, White, and Blue. Like Hartloo. We're shooting guns and fucking drinking beer. Dicks her out. Yep, August is, August is windy, windy windy. Nope, nope, nope. August, what is August? Type in August. Yeah.

August, August, August. Okay. August. There's images of the word August. Jesus. No, do I have to get another guy on this thing? I bet. We'll just write the word August on our stomach. We have about notable days in the month of August. Something like

that, right? Yeah. Okay. Nope. Okay, here we go. Girlfriends day, friendship day, friendship day, August second. That's gotta be it, man. There's also chocolate chip day, though. That's gonna be tough to turn that one down. Oyster day, root beer float day, happiness day, international day of world's indigenous peoples day. Fuck that. Let's do... Type in, we'll put August on hold.

Friendship day. August 2nd is friendship day. We gotta do the friendship day. Friendship day, that's what we do are like. Okay, September. Keep just swap out the word and type in September there. And I think you should go, what's September? So do we have Labor Day?

Right? Is that no? Right? Yeah. What's Labor Day? Who gives a fuck, it's just a notable thing. So, oh it's Hispanic Heritage Month, okay? We got that already for May.

Yeah, bring your manners to work today. I think you should go into Wikipedia into the month and then see like what that month's known for. There's a good one, there's a good note. Good search note. There we go, September is the ninth month. We got that part. Yeah.

Some are break, go scroll, scroll, scroll, back you're missing it. is the ninth month. We got that part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Summer break. Go scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, back here, but missing it. Oh, I got, we should do a summer break one for August. August should be like, it's like a summer, like water slides. Oh, yeah.

August is, yeah, August is our summer month. September is the beginning of fall, right? It is. So we should do, we should do flannels, flannels, flanels, raw floor in, and we're chopping wood, chopping wood, September, chopping wood is raw floor in,

lumberjack, lumberjack, October, or so, we'll do so, rocktober. I was thinking like Halloween. Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, costumes, costumes, spooky. Yeah, okay, November's my birthday, so it'll be everything, Bert or Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, we could do Thanksgiving for November

Yeah, Thanksgiving. We have big turkeys. Yep, and then December is Inshallah Jesus is born I was gonna say quanza but finally we'll go here is Just Christmas we'll really own the part of excluding people from other religions on this calendar We're gonna do are we gonna do a Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus? Or two Santa Claus? Santa Claus, but why don't we just do Jesus?

And like a bunch of people around Jesus, so we should have him happy birthday. Yeah, like regular people, or do you wanna do like the three wise men kind of thing? Jesus got a cake and it says 33, is like a 33-kiddle. Oh, it's an older Jesus. No, it's Jesus right before they killed him.

And it's 33 candles, right? And he's about to blow him out and they're like, make a wish, but I'd wish not to be crucified if I were you. So maybe he's like this. And then we're standing next to him and I have like a nail and a hammer. And then you have the wood. And we're like, we're about to put you up, bro.

And Jesus is like this, about to blow out the candles. And we're like, whoo. About the fuck this guy up. We should probably brainstorm on what the exact theme addicts are going to be. Yeah, but this is a really good idea. I think this could make a lot of money. January, it's on it.

By the way, these are all just little placeholders because we might really come in and fine tune these. I thought April was two dummies. It says bunnies. God. Okay. Okay, we gotta wrap this up. This is our 30 today.

There's a lot of fun. I love you. I love you too. Thank you guys 30 today. Um, there's a lot of fun. I love you. I love you too. Thank you guys for watching. Thanks for listening. E-mails two bears, one cave. I'll just lick the mic. Right?

Two bears, one cave at gmail.com. Two bears, one cave at gmail.com. I want your thing in your big dick frowny picks. Big dick problems. Should be your subject line. And you know, if you have a legit one, I mean, people are gonna write joking. I'll tell you what I don't mind I don't mind trying to smoke out the liars

Okay, send in your big dick problems, and we'll try to figure out if we can save their real okay Sounds good. It's caught in the woodchipper not every now and then yeah, and you don't I mean You don't have to make a video that you attach to your email of you putting it in your ass and then jerking off But if you do we'll watch it Have a good one. Bye guys. Here's what we call, screw bears one cake. No scripts to beat a booze amateur, for tologine. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, screw bears one cake.