2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 60 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Christina P & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

SPONSORS: - Head to https://Policygenius.com right now to get started. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right. - Go to https://Kamikoto.com/CAVE and use offer code CAVE for an extra $50 off - Get 20% Off and Free Shipping at https://Manscaped.com/BEARS - Get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free at https://ExpressVPN.com/CAVE - Go to https://Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code BEARS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Go to https://Whoop.com/bears to get your first month free - Download the World Series of Poker app and use promo code WSOPBEARS for ONE MILLION bonus chips when you sign up. Christina P joins Bert Kreischer in Tom Segura's place for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. They start off by recapping Tom's basketball accident. They then discuss the joys of drinking alone, how Bert ruptured his testicle, their new favorite podcast "The Dictators," Eliot Page's recent transition, and their favorite reality show stars. Christina also reveals how she broke her tooth, and they have a FaceTime call with comedian Whitney Cummings.

You and I can be sober right here and be like, ah, and it's the best time ever. Yeah. Tom doesn't do that. It's like him and Leanne are dead inside almost. Yeah. And then you gotta like draw out life. Yeah.

And then when you get it, you're like, oh, shut up. You get like getting a shark to bite onto the boat. You're like, hey, that happened. It was circling for so long. So true. 100%. Oh, my God. I don't know why what color the doctor is, So true. 100% I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a- I'm a-, plug me. I'm so nervous to sit here with you right now because I haven't seen you since the accident

and I have so many feelings when I see you because we've been through. It's like we've been in the trenches together. And we'll tell everyone so they don't know. If anyone doesn't know if you're living under a rock, what Christina is saying is my bestie, her husband. I'm going to cry already. I had a pretty aggressive accident. I will say that I saw it and I saw it happen and it took me, took me a few days to get over it. I came and look at you right now. I'm going to start crying right now. It was. Because I haven't even been able to cry because I've

been like in go mode. In triage like since you only I came over and then like it's just been non-stop it's it's been a nightmare and I'm I'm so grateful to you guys to come like when you came over that night was like I wasn't shocked I didn't even know what to do so I'm so grateful for you sorry see I knew this would just all come out you just sitting there but you know what this is what I love about the show show is that it's everything. Ah. And it was intense. It was beyond intense. It was an intense experience.

And what fucked me up is it happened in a second. It happened in a second, and it went from fucking giggles, ball-busting to literally call 911. Oh my god. And it was absolutely terrifying. got it's I got to be real honest I got to be real honest I and knit my I didn't I you need to know this because I was very helpful for the next 24 hours but I walked out of the goddamn fucking room when it happened I left him I left him and I looked at

everyone I was like all Krunker's crawl Christina and I went outside and the door locked behind me. And I was like, I can't get anymore. Is it going to deal with his own Christina Christina? Look, his student didn't Tom give you a job. Like it was called. I went one or call my wife. So we said, call 911. And then he looked at me and he said, call Christina. And I was like, as opposed to turn your arm so it's facing where everyone should see it?

Oh! You have, I wanna tell everyone, we have a live show near Zeeve. And on near Zeeve, the video that we planned, this whole time, we planned to do a basketball sketch, a competition just like tennis for the New Year's Eve show. I'm gonna tip the hat a little bit. We got Tristan Jass, really excited. We got Tristan Jass, really excited.

We got Tristan Jass to come out. And we did a sketch, not a sketch, but we did something for basketball just like we do with tennis. We tried to make it better, because we didn't feel like tennis really delivered. And it didn't on time. By the way, I'm two and a half, just so everyone knows. Thea, just kidding.

Wait till you see the video. Wow. Tom's not great at these athletics catchers. Fuck. So don't even talk about the video because, so the night that it happened, Lindsay came over, the producer, who was filming it. And I was waiting for you and Leanne to come over

and Tom was just in the ER and he goes, do you wanna watch it? And I was like, hold on and I got a glass of wine? And I was like, hold on, and I got a glass of wine. And I was like, glugg, glugg, glugg. And if I'm not mistaken, literally like, give me a beer. Yeah. Because I'm can't watch this so much.

That's so easy, right? I forgot about that. My kids are upstairs asleep, thank God. And I start to watch it, and I look away, and I start crying. Immediately, I was like, I can't even, I can't do this this video is so Horrible and I can't even imagine

Like even just the sounds of it you ever seen Grizzly man Remember they're like when that guy when hurts on guest to listen to Grizzly guy We're killing tickets for the New Year's Eve live event. Like, fucking crazy. And please cut that clip out. What was Tom's fall like? Have you ever seen Grizzly Man? By the way, guys,

why am I just getting as Doc Foss last live screen to get your tickets for the live stream? Grizzly Man. Well, remember when Winnerhart's all ex-lissing and they don't play the audio, they just, he just, you get to see his face and he was like, never listen to this audio ever. That's how I felt.

I was in there in the acoustics delivered justice. It was intense. It was intense. I heard an old baseball player, Buck O'Neill say, three times in his life. He said, I heard Babe Ruth hit a homerun. I heard, and he goes, and that sound Babe Ruth hit, I'll never forget that sound.

The cracking of the bat. Yeah, then I saw Josh, the catcher who played, who played in the black leagues back in the day, but Josh Gibson, he goes, I heard? Josh Gibson hit it. And I said, that's the same sound. And then I thought, I'm watching this yesterday and I thought he goes, and then Tom Sagarra. He said, Bo Jackson, but I wanted him to go.

Tom Sagarra. Same thing. It was such an intense. And Leanne goes, I remember Leanne was like, I wanna see the video. I said, you really don't. Are you really don't? It is. And but here's what's crazy is, was like, I wanna see the video, I said, you really don't. You really don't, it is. And but here's what's crazy is I'm sure Thomas watched the video

150 times. Hase? I'm certainly asked. I know that. I don't know. I mean, it was, it was so intense, but here's what's intense is that the aftermath is what, I don't think any of us knew the weight of what happened.

No. So we said, very quick that I got home and Liam was like, what's wrong with you? And I said, Tom is an accident. She goes, God dammit, it's those fucking, you know, everyone called me thinking it was a car accident. Well, I'm, you know, what though? I'm grateful it wasn't and I thought it was going to be

because he's been taking these McLaren's out and these fancy cars and all I hear is like, oh yeah, Tom's doing 150 miles per hour in the fucking car and I'm like, what are you doing? Like you're, because he hasn't done stand up all year, I get it. There needs to be a charge. You have to get something out of life, some zing.

And I'm like, he's gonna fucking harm himself. It was like, it was on the horizon. So I'm like, how is this gonna manifest? This reckless itch, he has. We were supposed to do something with layered Hamilton and Gabby Reese. I love those two. I love them, and by the way, I think they may be

really helpful in Tom's recovery. They do a lot of pool exercises. Oh, God. And so we were something to do something, and Tom goes, oh, what's their address? I texted to Tom and he goes, oh, there's great driving streets around there.

I'll get him a clarin' and I was like, that's how we're gonna fucking die. Yeah. Just Tom felon, just going, yeah. Because, you know, my husband is really steady calm person. Okay, in real life, he's really steady. But I think he's got this itchy asshole, you know, he's, because it's got to come out somewhere.

Like, you and I, I like to drink, you like to drink. We get, you and I can be sober right here and be like, and it's the best time ever. Tom doesn't do that. It's like him and Leanne are dead inside almost. And then you gotta draw out life. And then when you get it, you're like, oh, shut up. It's like getting a shark to bite on to the boat like that happened. It was circling for so long so true

I don't understand when Tom goes all these animals and then I'll have another one I go I go what's the edible is like once you do it fun all the all the action is done Yeah, it's a joy of getting drunk. I like joy of like having like going like, this is my third cup of coffee. I don't even enjoy this. But I know that if I take one more sip, I can charge it. Go, go, go, go, go. Totally, like, okay, eat the edible, and then it's done, your drug experience.

Like, I don't wanna just sit there. Like, I wanna like, okay, okay, okay. I've been drinking alone since forever. Like, I know you're not supposed to. Drinking alone is so underrated. It's not bad. Especially when you go eyeballs. Like, I don't remember, I feel like I put my friend

into rehab because I was like, he was like, I'm a new jersey, I don't have any friends out here. I just, I'm bored and I said, have you thought about drinking alone? He was like, what? I said, go find a cocktail that you've never had at all. And then go buy the ingredients, take it to your house, and just make yourself that cocktail all night.

And he was like, I've always wanted a gin fizz. I was like, go do it. You can do it. It's amazing. It's amazing. You just sit there and drink by yourself. And be like, shut, I remember the guy that introduced me to drinking by myself.

Ben Seaburg, shout out to Ben Seaburg. He was like, what do you want to do tonight? It was a Tuesday. I said, I don't know. He was wanting a drunk. I go, it's a Tuesday. He goes, that means nothing. And he was like, let's you want to do tonight? It was a Tuesday. I said, I don't know. He was wanting to get drunk. I go, it's a Tuesday. He goes, that means nothing. And he was like, let's make Martinez.

And we tried to figure out the recipe to Martinez all night long. I don't know how to do it. And we were wasted. And I was like, this is funny. I was like, we didn't even do anything. Dude, I mean, is that one of the joys of leaving your parents' house when you're 18? Is that now you can drink and smoke cigarettes inside. That's what I loved the best.

My God. When I got to college, I was like, the one thing. I remember, Jay, but I've said this so many times. 18 is that now you can drink and smoke cigarettes inside. That's what I loved the best my God when I got to college. I was like the one thing. I remember J. I've said this so many times J. Bo beer Let me and our friends. I'm just brought. J. Bo. J. Bo beer. J. Bo beer his brother Scott is he from phobia Florida Oh, yeah, sounds like a Florida or fucking Florida. Mo-Band. He chows it in the interox Florida. Like yeah. Does he say like my daddy? Like he's gonna know. No, no, no, no. Does he wear a seersucker?

No, his dad is a fucking badass too. The bobeers were like the family, you go party at their house, their parents were, I think the parents were older. Those were always the best people to be friends with. You could ditch school, go get high at their house. Parents are like, if you're gonna do it, do it here. Jay had a van with captain seats

that was always at the house and Scott every now and then we take, Jay was older than us. Scott would have taken the, we'd take out the, and it was like, it was like, they always had co-beers. A van with, an old school van, conversion van with captain seats. So rad. You didn't that thing for the weekend, I'm like,

oh, this is gonna be the greatest week on our lives. We're finger fucking all night. The, um, but, but, oh, oh, I remember J. Bobeer. We went up our senior year college, our high school, we went up to go visit Florida, right? See if we want to go to Florida. J. Bobeer got out of bed.

We were staying in his room in SAE. He got out of bed and there was a, Florida right? Yeah. You want to go to Florida? Yeah. J. will be here. God out of bed. We were staying in his room in SAE. He got out of bed and there was a- SAE's a frat, right? Is that what you belong to? Yeah. Smoking hot chicken is bad.

And he got up and he was like, I gotta go to class. And he left and the girl stayed in his bed. No. He said there's a girl in his bed. He's gonna go in his bed with a hot. And then he was like, he's Kato and she was gorgeous. No, he'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad.

I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad.

I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad.

I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I'm not sad. and Chate, but beer's always in good shape. Um, and, and, and, and, and his brother was in play girl. I swear to God, his brother, my friend Scott, but beer was in play girl when we were in college. Play girl in college and he had a piece on him. He had a, he took nude photos. We were in college and he should have shoot for play girl. He went to UCF, he was a pike there, and he did a picture with an orange bias cock.

He was like, ladies. But here's the thing, do you think ladies bot Playgirl? Like, I bought it. I think that's who buys it, is it? I bought it twice, I bought it when Jenny was, Scott was in it, and when Brad Pitt was in it, I was in New York, I was like, I gotta see his cock. I gotta see his cock.

Wait, Brad Pitt was in Playgirl. Brad Pitt was in Playgirl. Good, good, good. Well, cock. I gotta see his cock. Wait, Brad Pitt wasn't playing. Brad Pitt was in play. Google air. Google air. He's got a nice dick. He's got a nice dick. See, I think we should be allowed to see people's genitals.

I wish people would like athletes should play nude. Basketball should be done nude. I want to see people's genitals. So there was a book. Oh, no. Yeah. Look at that. Oh my god. Look at that. Oh my God.

Look at that. Dude, he's so perfect. I mean, it's no-o and gray, but it's a good dick on a good body. That's six, two. Oh, I thought you meant he posed for these. No, no, no, he's walking around going like, I'm gonna go get breakfast.

Oh, by the way, I'm jacked and I have a hog on me. God, he's so hot. He's gorgeous. He is gorgeous. And he even looks perfect now. Type in Berk-Krysher-Naked, I think we've got. Wait, and Berk-Krysher-Naked, and that's what comes up. Wait a minute, Berk-Krysher-Naked, and that's what comes up. To pull play girl out.

Who are you? Pull play girl out. See how gay that poses though? I don't like those poses on men. I like how the gay gay duck. Jesus. Oh yeah, there's me naked with Doug stand-ho. There's, oh yeah, okay, that's a bad idea.

Let's pull these down. Yeah, let's not do that. What were we talking about before this? We were talking about Brad Pitt naked. It made me laugh. Hold on. I'm still getting over the fact that there you go. Liam and Tom are dead inside of the tree.

They're just more subdued. Here's the thing with Tom is that he's steady. The highs aren't too high and the lows aren't too low. So that's why he act out. When you get them up high, then you're like, it's so fun. He doesn't get excited. He got excited about something a couple of weeks ago

and I was like, because I get excited about everything. I get excited about something a couple of weeks ago and I was like, ha ha ha ha. Cause I get excited about everything. I get excited about everything too. Yeah, postmates. Like everything's fun. You know, it can be. I've seen him at his lowest. Where, which one, when he OD'd, when he was at his house.

No, no, no, no. When he fell during basketball. I'll tell you, no. He was in the ambulance. In the medical transport. Oh no, no, no. We can go back to this. Now I'm going to start crying again.

He looked at me. He looked at me. Tommy eyes. Tommy eyes and said, I'm never going to jump again. I go, Tom, and he then he goes, I'm never playing basketball again. And then I looked at him and I go, Hey, me too, asshole. After watching what happened to you

I'm staying off the court also you fucked all of us up big guy none of us are playing basketball No, I'm and now even I'm so overly cautious just like Like I did Pilates's or my god, and I'm like did our Did our spouses marry the exact same person I'm so overly cautious today. I was like, I think I'm tearing my Achilles heel I am I'm like so nervous to even do like little weights. I'm like I'm gonna break my arm I'm gonna die. I want you to see this end up in the hospital like my husband you ready to see this this is gonna blow you Okay, I'm gonna see if I can expand it. What day do we play basketball? December? Tuesday. December first. I'll never forget it.

December first. Dude, no. Yeah. December's first. December first. I weighed 257 pounds. You wait yourself before I get it. I raid myself because I was like I was like this. I can't say exactly what we're doing. But I was like I think weights a key in this. I wonder what my weight is. And I said to Tom and we play like, I was like, I can't say exactly what we were doing, but I was like, I think, wait a key in this. I wonder what my weight is. And I said to Tom, when we play basketball, I said, I am the fattest I've ever been in my life.

In my life, this is, I want you to see, this is. Wait, what's the number? 257. That's the fattest you've ever been to. 257. So I can't scale that as a woman. I'm like, because if I weighed that much, I would be bedridden, I don't think.

May 15th, I was 252. That was my first highest. 257 was the fastest. I would just pull a picture from Tuesday. 257. I witnessed what happened to Tom. And realized, and we had to deal with a lot of, we had to deal with great.

How Tom and Bert got fat. There's how Tom and Bert got fat. That's a good episode. So wait, are you saying you did you gain weight? Today I'm 242. I was 27 a week ago. And today I'm 242. But you stopped drinking.

That's what we were talking about that. I stopped drinking because I was like, I've always been under this illusion that, cause I lost weight in the weight loss challenge partying. Yeah. Then I could always do it partying. And I was,, I've always been under this illusion that because I lost weight in the weight loss challenge partying, then I could always do it partying. And I lost, remember I called you and I said, I'm, this sucks, I'm not drinking right now. It's like December 1st.

It was the first day of my sober December. I know, but I was like, just drink, like you have to drink, listen, this was a massive tragedy, this was a bad thing. You can't be like, I'm sticking to my fucking diet when bad, like when tragedy happens. I did, I did, thank God, because I was available the next day,

because I would not have been available at fucking someone in the morning to start looking up wheelchairs. That was the best. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait wheelchairs, and I'm like, ooh, I got in my eye. I told you, I got in my eye. I got in my eye and I'm a really nice transport. It's a pretty good look in. It's a plus size X, it's nice. And then my dad calls me and he goes,

you're not buying goddamn wheelchairs for him. Here's the thing, is that you and I are such retards that between the two of us, like our thinking was not clear, and Leanne was the only one who was like, you and I were like, okay, how are we gonna get him upstairs? And then we're like, wait, we can't bring him upstairs? Let's get wheelchair, okay?

Like, we've already planned out. You went and bought him snacks. I bought him snacks, I bought him calcium, vitamin D, I bought him everything. I went to the, you know what, but my brain works sometimes because I bought a lifting belt. Do you remember that? I go, I went to, I went to, I you know what, but my brain works sometimes because I bought a lifting belt. Do you remember that? I go, I went to, I went to, I love getting given it,

in emergency situations, I like giving a, getting direction. And you said, he's gonna, you said, he's gonna need something, if real we said you, can you go to write it, he's gonna need something. I forget what it was, but you were like a real direction. Like,

Oh, we need a chart. We need an extension. Here's what he was, okay, so let me, let me phrase it. So there was a point where Tom was injured. He has a broken arm. His knee is just not moving. And we have to get him into my house, in our house, and do our basement. And then the next day, get him to the orthopedist. our house and do our basement and then the next day get him to the orthopedist. And this is a guy who can't move. I can't lift him. You need to put perspective on the fact that anything that would help you move is broken on him.

Yeah, he can't. It's both the same side. So he can't use crutches. He can't use crutches. It's the same side. So you can't throw a crutch under that arm. And so we got to a certain point, we were like we're like so you're cool living here for like three years, right? and and and I like I'm very careful since he said some fucking

Hilarious shit during all of this that he did not find funny at the time He was not laughing. He was not laughing at all and It's so many, I mean, so much of this was so comical. Tom doesn't like being recognized. And so I want to save it all for Tom to tell. Because it's his story and I was just there to witness it. I will just say to say that someone, when someone says to Tom who's got a broken arm broken leg And he's in a wheelchair strapped into a van that smells like cigarettes and goes so what do you do for a living?

The last thing Tom wants to tell him is what he does Yeah, yeah, and then the second last thing Tom wants is me next to him going we're comedians Tell me a joke you did not That's the fucking worst It was there was so much of this he was making me laugh so hard at certain times and and there was so much by the way I have to say Shout out to every fucking nurse out there every doctor every PA. I don't know all the things. EMTs I don't know all the things. EMTs.

You, I talk about perspective. I walked out of that hospital that day and I was emotional thinking these people are legit, like dealing with me and Tom, right? But they're also dealing with COVID and they're dealing with all these stresses and they're getting through it and they're making us feel comfortable

when it's them that I'm worried about and I said to this and they're working in the ICU with COVID patients. Do you realize what kind of person that is that goes, oh that's where the horrible thing is happening, let me go there. That's not me. That's not me. I saw it do with COVID walking and I went, are we gonna light him on fire?

Like, what the fuck? Do this poor guy, eyes like this, Mexican dude, probably 65, right? I mean, out of it. And then I heard his, it didn't speak any English in his daughter, I'm saying daughter because she was younger at Mexican, but the person who was like, he didn't have a mask on and they had to put a mask on him

and I'm thinking, oh this is the problem with this disease. The communication has not been spread everywhere and this guy is maskless going like, how did I get sick? Literally you can see it in his eyes. And they're like, his temperature's 102 and pretty sure it's COVID. And he doesn't have a mask on

and everyone's like, what are you doing? And then she put a mask on him and he just kept pulling it down and she's like Poppy or not making it up, but whatever she was like oh Bokka in osa and he was like like, gay, don't fuck. I'm a fuck down. He's funny. Oh, cool. Hey, I'm cool.

That's so cool. This, this, this, COVID got me dripping from home. Where's a little monster? I'm, I'm sure that's right. Is that probably the, listen, man. I keep pushing the table back and putting it the mic into your mouth You know what's really great about Tom's injury the one plus that plus I

It's not blow job season anymore. Oh I come out of that for at least two weeks dude. Oh, you like we've been joking about it when I go visit him Like you're gonna give you a B. a B.J. and he's like, babe, like he can't even get a shit. I have a shit in seven days. By the way, when he's, and I'm just setting up great Tom stories, when he does tell you the story about shitting, I was crying laughing. It's so horrible. It's so funny because it goes back to the difference between Tom and me and you is like, someone said to me something like, why, why, what, what what what's Tom made you hard to laugh artists and go oh it's it's never really trying to make me laugh it's when he's

being himself and he doesn't know he's being funny and he just says something like or like does a double take and looks at someone and then looks at you and you're like yeah I was fucking crying laughing that whole yard there was a woman this is a part of the story that I think is fair to share. So they take Tom in to go get X-rays and they leave me in Tom's fast track room. A fast track room is just a room that's secluded but it's got a curtain and you're with nine other fast track people.

But you can't see them, but you can hear them. And it's kind of like a fun game show. I don't know why that's not a game show. Guess the injury. You know these people are dying of. It's really great when they speak Spanish and you don't know why that's not a game show. Guess the injury. It's really great when I speak Spanish and you don't know Spanish totally. So I'm waiting for Tom because I hear this woman crying, right? All I hear is battle, battle, battle. And I'm like, what, what, what? And I'm waiting for Tom to get back. And I'm like, so where the fuck, and

then I just hear this woman crying like screaming bloody Murray, She's two beds down next. And I'm like, I'm listening to this woman. It sounds like they're assaulting her, like torturing her, torturing her. And I'm just going like someone translate, what the fuck happened? And then Tom just rolls in from his X-ray. Here's it too, and he goes,

someone was attacked by some dogs, and I go, battle, battle, battle, battle, battle. I was like, fuck, where were you earlier? I needed you. And then he told me, he's like, oh yeah, three dogs, pretty aggressive. They're cleaning the wounds. You don't hear her?

And I'm like, no, he has been Spanish, duh. I know. You know what was fun when he was in the hospital? Is I love to wander around and peek inside the rooms and see if I can guess what's going on. And there was one woman who was laying in bed with like a ball of clava on her head. Do you know what timeout with pussy right where

is this shit over their head so that, like it was like a ski mask. Is a, is a, is a bachleba? A ball of clava? Is that what they're called? What was bachleba? Like those are called balla, a pussy right?

Bala clavas. What is it? Is it called bala clava? What are those called? It's called ski mask. Yeah, Bala Klaava. Bala Klaava. Dude, and some fucking psycho, like lady,

was wearing that shit on her face. I'm like, is this, is this how she thinks she's gonna prevent getting COVID in the hospital? This psycho? Yeah, and then it's just such a nightmare when you're like, and it's all old people. I sat in a show and I... Fuck that.

I sat when I, I've've I've heard myself somehow I ruptured my test school in In New Jersey at a place called action park class action parks where they call it you Reaction I landed on my test school and it how did you land? I called Drew? I landed all my test What do you mean you like there was a slide type in slides? Action park and you'll see it and you'll go, that doesn't look safe. This action park is fucking chaos. Oh my God.

So this is the, the place, right? Not, oh, dude. No, this is real. This is very real. Three people died in that slide. You can't do that. That's true. It's up no people died in that slide.

Wait, you can't do that. No, I know they've taken it down since, but people died in that slide. So, you can't do that. No, I know they've taken it down since, but people died in that slide. So one of the slides goes off a cliff. This is the most poorly thought-out slide in the world. It's a high dive, right? 30 feet in the air. That's not that one.

And it just spits you out off of a high dive. So it's a slide. Next to it is a high dive, where people are jumping 10 meters out up in the air. But the slide also spits you out so you go off the high dive. So like, it's a slide. Next to it is a high dive where people are jumping 10 meters out up in the air, but the slide also spits you out so you go off the high dive, not knowing how to control your body. Oh my gosh.

And I landed on my test goal. It balloons up. I had to push it, got so bad. They were like, you know, like a country follow the rules, girls that are like 17 years old. And they're like, um, sir, we're gonna need to see the injury. And I was like, ladies, you're 17. I'm not showing you my testicles. I'm like, uh, please drop your pants now. And I just pull my dick and balls out and these children are like, no, god, god, god, and ran out. By the way, I filmed it because I was like, uh, I'm not showing

my dick to a minor unless I'm fucking, you're forcing me to do this. And like, sir, please drop your pants and show us the affected area We have protocols sir, and it's like this is your summer job honey And I'm about to turn in into a fucking nightmare and I pull my pants down. She's like down Where's this penis? Cold water and just ran out wow And you need to go to the hospital and left, but how do they treat your your testicle? So they bring me in there. They do a bunch of x-rays MRIs or whatever

So your balls they do all this stuff wait in there, they do a bunch of X-rays, MRIs, or whatever, songwriter. So your balls? They do all this stuff. Wait, they took an X-ray of your nuts. Did they have to compress it like in the mammogram machine? Like, nah. No. How did they X-ray your nuts, dude?

I don't remember. I was a little out of it. I was panicking. I was panicking. It must have hurt so bad. No, it might not hurt really bad. It might not hurt so bad. Did it get so super big, like bigger than your dick?

Oh, I have pictures of it. I don't know what to say. Type in a Bert's Nut sack and type in Bert's balls and then Whitney Cummings. Poor Whitney, how did she get dragged into this? You'll see. I stand with Whitney, click that. These are my test tools.

Wow. Now is that? It's like the picture, so you see like that. That's cold, that's cold water. That's cold water, so like, you know how nuts sees up. Click the picture so you can see the picture. Whose hand is that? That's my hand.

Okay. And so that was my balls, and if they were, and that's frozen, like cold balls, where they're just out of a pool like shrinkage balls and so Yes, so dude, so as you're not like fucked up. No, so I go to the hospital And how many likes did that is that really your balls? Are you being serious? I swear to God? That's what I got there's super dark. They're darker than I thought they be side-barred of this Which is very interesting Whitney Cummings was coming out and saying that she was getting, someone was leaking nude photos over.

And I posted this with the, I stand next to, I stand with Whitney. And that happened to be the day Whitney Houston died. Oh. Oh. Oh. And so I was trending with all this, I stand with Whitney. And all these black women were like, not what I wanted to see, church.

It looks, Ryan Sikler, were there, it looks like you're not to die a month ago. Who's that? It looks like your balls died a month ago, nice cuticles though. You can do a comic around that. So we so, but is a sperm okay in there? Like, is it?

Everything's fine. I go into the hospital and they're like, you're gonna be fine. It's gonna, the swelling's gonna reduce. And that was right when it happened. It got bigger. And then they go, and then they take my blood pressure. My blood pressure is like, one, five,

you're over one, 10, and come party in part. I'm doing birth conquer. We're doing slides every day. It's all over the place. And they go, we can't let you leave. And I was like, I told Tommy this in the hospital because his blood pressure was perfect. His heart rate, they're like, we're showing you a heart. And they're like, I told Tommy this in the hospital, because his blood pressure was perfect, his heart rate, they're like,

can you show him you have a heart? And they're like 20 beats per minute, it's really slow. Yeah, he's always low, it's just, it's weird, baby. It's so frustrating when they're like, sir, do you drink? And he's like, nope. And then I go, you're not lying either. I was like, do you smoke?

And he's like, nope. And I'm like, fuck, you're doing the truth right now. But what's considered drinking? Because I feel like when they ask me that, I'm like, well, I mean, not pretty much every day, but not like, what's considered drinking? Do you drink? I'm like, well, yeah, like two glasses of wine,

like every night. I might be the wrong sound before this question. That's true. Can I tell you the best part of the whole incident though, when you guys rent my house? You have cell-house cars. I can drive a free ear. This is what I'm talking about.

I know, I know, don't mind me that. Is when Liam, when Liam, was sitting at the edge of the bed, I think this is the next morning, and she's like, this is really gonna suck. Yeah. This is gonna suck. And Tom's face was like, yeah, no shit. Leigh, this is much wrong. My wife. We fucking, I mean, to save, to save the story so that we can

tell it all in one telling. Yeah. Suffice to say, Bert, Chrysler, and Lindsay twink, Lindsay. Yeah. Get, get Tom from point A to point B and Tom doesn't help. Okay. I just, I don't want to, I want Tom to tell the story, but we get in there. It's been, it's been tough. Yeah. Finally, we got him to a place where we can put his body

for a period of time. We are sweating, he's breathing hard. We're all like fuck, thinking we're, okay, we're good. And Langef goes, well, this is gonna suck for a long time. We're like, gee, thanks, George a plum. I appreciate you keeping it real all of a sudden. She's like, what? That's what I see. Call it like I see it, huh?

Look at him. He's over white. He's gonna get fatter. Tell you that right now. Tell it. She says, you're gonna, you're going blue, not. You're going blue, not. You gotta watch what, not. You got to watch what you eat. And then push comes down and she goes,

Tom, you're you hungry? I made, I made, I made, I made corn muffins with Nutella on them. She goes, he ain't shouldn't be eating that. Hail no! Because when tragedy strikes, I bake. I always cook. I'm like, my dog died. The first thing I did was make cookies because what he,

you have to sue the feelings, the bad feelings. Somehow I gotta eat them or I have to drink them. I can't just feel them. They looked so good. And you were like, bird have one. And I was like, no, he needs a strength right now. I don't know, he did that. Fuck.

They looked so good. And it's so good. And then we left, she's like, she goes Nutella. Oop, it's Nutella on a biscuit. I was like, a lot of people, a lot of people in. I go, you don't, not everyone. She made fucking biscuits this weekend. Like we're not biscuits, but like muffins

and putting nothing on them. And I was like, what? And I'm like, where's the point? Nutella, she goes, she goes, I don't have no Nutella. And I was like, butter. Butter, I put sticks of butter in it. So I cut those slits in them.

Little vaginas and I shoved them with butter. And she's like, well, you ruined in the biscuit. And I's like, cut those slits in them, little vaginas and I shoved them with butter. And she's like, well, you ruined it in the biscuit. And I was like, come on. Can I tell you why? I think you guys are gonna be together forever though. So why? Cause when she said that, Tom, I go,

shout your fucking mouth. Yes. So fucking insane to him. Why the fuck would you say that to Tom right now? That's not what he needs to hear. We're supposed to uplift him, not go go shit. I hope they keep that arm. No, look like they don't keep that arm. Now I'm telling you.

Yeah. Why does she turn into country bear jamber real? I'm a fucking... I'm like on a fucking... You're on a terror, there. But here's the deal, man, is that because you and Leanne are so open with each other, like you guys just say crazy shit. And Tom and I are more restrained with each other. Like you guys just say crazy shit.

And Tom and I are more restrained with each other. Like we won't just say everything. We're nicer to each other, but I don't know, I don't know what's better. I feel like we're both gonna stay together forever. I think we will. I think, I just, I don't know, you know, Leigh-Anne, Leigh-Anne as a baby.

Cause you guys say crazy shit. Oh, she says stuff, like hurtful stuff. And I go, I go, you don't need to tell people that. Like, she goes, well, what, but I lie. And I go, yeah, yeah, lie is good right now. Right, like tenderize it. But, I told you the first time I was ever in a play, I just started dating.

I went just on a play, my first play ever, I get in the car, I'm with her, we just started dating. Like maybe two months, three months. And I said, I'm really proud of myself, right? Didn't mess up once. Get in the car and with her we just started dating like maybe two months three months And I said I'm really proud of myself right didn't mess up once Get in the car look her. I go. What did you think she goes you suck? I was like She's saying you can't act you can act. That's all I'm saying you can act. That's all I'm saying I go once cuz you don't listen you ain't listening you just up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like Who the fuck is this person? She was, what, am I supposed to lie?

You want me to lie? She does not lie. That's what I like. She doesn't lie, and I fucking hate it. Yeah, because you want some white lies. What's it get? Well, yeah, when you're spousal, do I, and my fat, no, no. You look better than you did 20 years ago, you lie.

Yeah, I feel like. You fucking lie. She's lost a ton of weight, and I go, and she's like, what do I look like? And the truth, my truth is, I thought you were always beautiful, but the truth truth is like, you look better than when you were fat. Claire.

But I'm never, what would I say that? Like why would, and she'll say to me, like, I mean, you, like she said to me, you outgrew your dick. And I put in the special. And I was like, what do you mean? It's like your me you outgrew your dick and I put in the special and I was like What do you mean? It's like your bodies too big? Your dick your dick wasn't meant for a 240 pound man 257 pound man My dick Brad Pitt's dick on me does not fit it looks gross looks like a tiny dick

But on that body it looks like a good dick, you know, I've never thought of it that way you're right I've seen Tom's dick. You know, I've never thought of it that way. You're right. I've seen Tom's dick. He all grew his dick, too. No. Not hard, but soft, we both out grew our dicks. I've seen Tom's dick up close. We have the exact same dick.

We have the exact same dick. Really? I swear to God, we both saw each other, and the next looked out and go, we have the same dick. Really? The same dick. The same dick.

The same dick. The not hard, but we saw each other's dick soft. And we went, we have the same dick. The same dick. The same dick. The, we're not hard, but we saw each other's dick and saw each other and went, oh, we have the same dick. That's crazy. But I never thought about dick size proportionate to the body size. You're right. It would make total sense that your dick

would look bigger or smaller, depending on how big you are. Think about when a neighborhood everyone starts building up their houses, and then once once an 1800 square foot good house to bedroom to bath Now it looks like a fucking squatter. Yeah, that's so true, bro We put back to Leanne whom I love I love so much and I love her too However, yeah, no, but here's a deal. Here's what I like about your relationship with Leanne is that she I feel is the one person in your life

But that you can be a hundred percent honest with truthful with because you're a little more restrained with other people, right? Like confrontations and stuff. I don't like confrontation at all. Not neither do I. I'm not very great at it. But I like that you got, like it's such a good testament to your relationship that you can let it fly with Leanne, and you don't feel like that's going to jeopardize the relationship. you're not threatened by that with her. And that's fucking huge.

There's a lot of pluses. You know, it's so interesting in all of this that we went through. To find people's strengths and to find where people find strength. And one of the things I love about Leanne is when I got home, I said, hey, Tom's really hurt. Like, we may need to head down there and she was like, okay, and like, but that's great. She goes, for all the shit I talk about her,

she was like, of course, let's go. And she was like, push, can't do this by herself. She can't, let's get down there. And then we get down there and I'm like, and she tells the girls, hey, we may spend the night down there. I don't know what's going on. We'll assess situation, but then Leanne gets up the next morning. She's like, hey, get up.

Push going to need you. And she's like, I got, I got podcasted about this. And, and, and she's, but that's, Leanne is a worker in like, she, she excels taking care of someone. Yes, and I need at that. Like, you and I both, because I think you and I both go in a super tired mode. Like, I was in such shock.

I had my baby sleeping upstairs. I'm alone with my children. And to get that call that your husband's in the hospital when you're alone with your babies and you can't go to your husband. It's like, you're so off-guard. You're so vulnerable. Yeah, I know.

Your initial reaction was, what are you two more on? I was like, push it's pretty serious. Yeah, because the call from you, and here's what I expected. When Burke calls me, and I know you two are doing something. Okay, push. Who's got a bigger dick, or like, okay, push. Who can do this, but I knew I thought I was expecting it to be like a stupid Burke question.

And then instead, it's, no, your text was the best. It was like, everything's okay. Tom's in the hospital. Like, the phrasing of it was the best. It was like, everything's okay. Tom's in the hospital. Like the phrasing of it was not okay. It was like, everything's fine. Tom heard himself. He's in the hospital. Like no, it was crazy because my favorite one of those was the story Charlie called to everyone that doesn't know Charlie is Tom's probably oldest friend and L.A. Maybe out there.

For went to college together. Went to college together. And we all know Charlie. We all, Charlie's how Tom and I know each other. And Charlie's one of our all our close friends. And Charlie, Tom's in a text saying, I'm not doing my shows. And Charlie called me. And he goes, what happened?

And I was like, I was like, I gotta tell the story. But before I tell the story, I'm gonna have some fun with Charlie. And I go, it's bad. And he goes, he goes, tell me story I'm gonna have some fun with Charlie and I go It's bad and he goes He goes tell me I said we were skydiving and he goes Are you fucking seriously? He's shooting up and listen his fucking he can talk He's fine and Charlie's like what by the way I did that to everyone I had so much fun when everyone called me. I was like all right

So we got these motorcycles and they're like oh my god. What the fuck you do driving motorcycles for, I was like, all right, so we got these motorcycles, and they're like, oh my god, what the fuck are you two driving motorcycles for? And I was like, Tom's never ridden one before, but I told him he could do, what the fuck? And I'm like, okay, so we've got into this Jiu Jitsu club. What the fuck? It was so fun. Anytime someone called, I had so much fun.

And I was the go-to, everyone called me, everyone called me. I know, me too. I just, and also like, to anybody listening, like if you know someone has just had a tragedy occur, like, don't make their life harder. Like when people go, what's your address? What's your, what's this? And don't ask me a million questions

and don't be like, what's your favorite snack food? What do you guys like to eat? I'm like, oh my god, my husband's in the hospital. I have two little kids. I don't care about you right now. Just send them all wishes. Hey, I heard this happen. I'm sending you love and light.

You know, here's some flower. Great. But don't ask me a question. It was just like, I'm not gonna answer it. What happened to him? How did that happen? When's he gonna come? I'm like, dude, not right now.

Like, let me give me a minute. It was kind of disheartening to watch me in the ER with Tom and watch his phone blow up and mind do nothing And I was like I was with him. I saw it like aren't you gonna worry about me. Yeah, by the way, my feelings The way he attacks life is so different than me like he does not let's talk about He's not afraid of shit like he was like like, he was just very much like, this is what we got. I mean, I got maybe everyone in that moment is like, this is what we got to do. But like, he just was like, let's do it. And where is I? What do you mean? Like, he's injured. Let's call 911. Let's get to the hospital. Let's get in the ambulance.

And let's call that orthopedist. Let's do this. Yeah. Let's like, where is I would have been tapped out? I would have been like, you guys need to figure this orthopedic. Let's do this. Yeah, like where is I would have been tapped out I would have been like you guys need to figure this out for me That's how I have a cardiologist appointment tomorrow tomorrow that I've been dodging because I'm like I just don't want to deal with it. Wait, you gotta go do that. I know that's your hard by the way I didn't cancel it because I was in the hospital with Tom and they rolled someone in who had a hard hard hard hard hard Had a heart attack. And I was like, and I remember this,

this older black woman, but this appointment I'm going to is a CT scan. It checks out all your calcium in your blood, so it tells you if you're gonna have a heart attack or a stroke. And it's preventative. She said to me when I walked in, I love an older black woman to be advice.

Oh my God, they're like sages. It's dog-courtages. Or getting validation from an older black lady. Don't you feel like it means so much more if they tell you you're funny or something like when I left the hospital and I said to the nurse I said she was an older black woman and I said he just heads up like thank you for everything you're doing and she was like I'm not gonna do the voice but she laid it on. Well not because it sounds horrible. She was like, that is everything I needed

to hear today. But she had like a real like, she put it on for a little spin a little English on it with a little bit of attitude and it got me so emotional I almost cried. But this woman at Cedar Sinai at scanning was at the front desk and she said, I was nervous the first time I ever did this CT scan. And I said I don't want to be here. She goes, this CT scan, and I said, I don't wanna be here. She goes, why? And I said, okay, I don't wanna find out bad news.

And she goes, honey, is better to be walking through those doors than rolled through those doors. Wow. I'm sitting with Tom, who is just like, I mean, really kind of on it and dialed in to like, let's move things forward fast. Yeah. Whereas I'd be like, fine, just load me up with drugs.

I'm cool. Put me in the corner. I don't need anyone. I just don't want to deal with this. And I, they rolled someone in who had had a heart attack and I went, okay, I'm definitely getting my CT scan. I'm definitely seeing my cardiologist. I'm definitely losing weight. I'm like, everything was definitive. Like, I'm going to stop drinking this month. And I hadn't drank. I was like, I'm not drinking this month. I'm going to get healthy this month. I'm going to lose weight. My joints, all our joints are fucking, my body wasn't meant to, I said, like, I was like, I'm not drinking this month, I'm gonna get healthy this month, I'm gonna lose weight, my joints, all our joints are fucking, my body wasn't meant to,

I said like how could something like this happen and someone goes, very, the doctor very flat-fired, and looked at me, he goes, you know you're not supposed to be 250 pounds. Like, like, and I was like, oh, a deep shit, yeah, he was like, he was stupid fuck. You know your body wasn't set for that,

like, you're putting, like, it's like almost, all of a sudden I looked at my body, like one of those Mad Max thunder domes where I just keep stacking shit on top of it. And they're like, hey, we meant this for like a one bedroom too. Like, you can't just add shit to this. Yeah. And the wear and tear, I mean, once you hit 40, it's a different ballgame. And I've had two children too.

So your body just gets so warped. And you have to really start taking care of it now. Like, you could trash it in your 20s and your 30s after 40 you gotta start rethinking. I've been crashing it up to 48 pretty aggressively I'm looking for a little bounce back. I'm like I I'm praying I'm praying that like the damage I've done because I get cardiologist appointments every year I go to the every nine months you go every nine months and how are you how are you pushing this one? Mm-hmm since like because you're afraid of your mortality and why I had a cardiologist appointment in June my blood pressure was good

Okay, but he's like we need to you need to get back quick because I want to do a CT scan on you And I want to do another what's the CT that's like they put you into a into a cat scan machine Oh, basically scan all your veins. Oh cool. they are an arteries, so that if there's blockage, they find it and they can clear it up so that you don't have a stroke. And my biggest fucking fear when I'm partying on the road in the tour bus is I'm gonna wake up and my face will be thing, and my arm won't work,

and that's it. And then that's it. And you're done and you're like in some town where the doctors aren't great. And then, yeah, and you guys like barbecue, like you guys are eating nothing, but like fatty salty meats at midnight. And it's good, I'm not gonna lie.

You're the guy, what's his name? Dave Williamson. I mean, that full of barbecue sun. And you're like, go, go, go, go. I mean, yeah, it's a recipe. You're insane. You're insane. And then you brain green lights them.

Does this ever happen to you where your brain starts going like, hey man, just, you know, it's spring break. And so you're like, huh, you're like, you wanna be here? You just gotta use ran, killabir, get in the pool. That's my problem, is that I reward myself? Like, I'm really, really good.

And then I'll be like, I just lost two pounds. I should eat cake now. Like, it's so stupid. Like, I've earned those cookies because I just lost two pounds. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? So, I was like cake now. Like it's so stupid. Like I've earned those cookies because I just lost two pounds. Like what the fuck is wrong with you? So today I was like, okay, like and I not to dial everything into Rogan,

but Rogan lives a very healthy lifestyle, but he also, like moderate, but he also has fun, right? And that's the goal is to be able to like, Joe where he has, I mean, I don't know what, I don't even really know, does people have like a glass of wine with dinner? I mean that sounds like a joke, right? I don't know. What do they do? Just stay in their teeth, like why know does people have like a glass of wine with dinner? I mean that sounds like a joke right? I don't know what do they do? They just stay in their teeth like why the fuck would you have a glass of wine have water?

Have your fucking dinner or drink a bottle and enjoy it and write a fucking joke. I don't understand a glass of wine It's like people who drink decaf coffee. Are you just standing your teeth like what the fuck are you doing? I know I agree. I don't understand people that don't get Yeah, like I know I know like so this so like Iing, and what I'm doing is I'm eating straight up lean proteins and greens. That's it, that's it. You're doing the land, right? Yeah, I'm down, whatever, uh, 13, 12, whatever, I'm down. Damn.

14 pounds right now. Oh, what do you have for breakfast? I haven't had, so I'm also, I'm also fat- Intermittent fasting. I'm fasting until noon. Goddamn it. And then I have my lap my dinner at eight My fast till noon and then I have two meals. I have a lean protein and a green and But then I have this metallic taste in my mouth with no pleasure. It's like I have I sucked a robot's cock

And I'm just going I know I know and then my brain's going Are we not treating ourselves today? We're sitting watching a movie with nothing in our hands, nothing in our mouth. Thank God for fucking liquid god damn death. I've been Rapping these hands. I mean fucking This is just it's so to watch this one soda water. I've already drank all my water. My water's a lot See, but that's a thing is that because I'm the same way where I need to be putting something and I'm not.

I gotta put something in my mouth. Yeah, to feel like life is worth living. But that's keeping us fucking overweight. Yes, so do skinny people just have metallic taste in their mouth all day? Yeah. And they're just like, well, they don't use their mouth for good times.

They just don't understand what good times are. You know what I mean? That is the funniest state. They don't use their mouth for good time. Yeah, we associate, we use our mouth. For good time. We're using our mouths and hands like nobody's missed it. Yeah, but like what do people do for fun then?

Like how am I supposed to feel joy? Of her fun. Okay. But like, you know, you're not using these the way you were using me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don been thinking about my two meals today that I get all day.

That's all day. And Liam made chicken in a, you know, in an Insta pot. She goes, Jeff, you know, I made chicken and I go, she already picked my meal for me. I'm like, I wanted to fantasize about it. But I'm guessing that that's not healthy. Like, and then at the end of the day, I'm like, okay, my kids are in bed.

This is when I should drink my wine, you know, and watch the crown alone. And, but that's not, I guess not all people don't, you're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to be like, what can I put in me now to make me feel better? So what do they do that? You're supposed to feel better on the inside without putting something, ask Chris Larson, Chris,

you don't drink or eat your feelings. What do you do to feel fine and good that life is worth living? Um, I just, you know, hang out with my friends, play games, I mean, that's about it. Okay, you do know, you know what I feel like? I feel like he's in the matrix right now. Like, you know, there's a life out there

where you can get high with your friends and drink with your friends and eat with your friends. You can, I can take what you do and double down on it and make it even more fun. It is so much more fun when you're driving around. It's so much more fun. I don't understand, like, so like, you know, Pat and Oswald said something that was like,

almost like, like the weirdest statement I've ever heard. I did a podcast with him right when the pandemic broke. And I said, it's been nice to slow down. And he goes, oh, I've never had the excuse. I've never been allowed myself to excuse. And I thought he was gonna say to get fucking black out of my myself. And he said to sit and just read.

And I went, huh? What? I was thought you're gonna say suck your own dick. I would be less shocked if you said, I've been trying to suck my own dick. And now since the pandemic, I can really focus on it and I can do it He's been practicing

Reading reading reading well that's a thing I tried to be productive at the beginning of this But then my base animal instincts like the anxiety kicks in and then I think I'm just trying to quell feelings I don't like having them so when this happens I was like oh I I was like, oh. I spent some Xanax to take care of feelings. Of course I did too. I took my gabapentin and I. What's gabapentin? Oh, if you go to a psychiatrist

and they can prescribe you the goods of Xanax is like. There are only so two steps ahead of me with anything medical. Gotta get in there. Because they can prescribe you like really good shit that's good for you. Because Xanax is like the escape hatch. If I take Xanax it means I'm at a 20. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I was at a 20 this morning.

I said, Julianne I'm tapping out and last night and I went into the bedroom sober because it's because I can't let, if I start spinning then I'm never falling asleep. So I'm like I'm tapping out, I go into the bedroom sober, I watch, I listen to my new favorite podcast. I send it to Tom Paul.

Which one on the dictators? It is so great. I'm so into it now because I'm, yeah. It is so fucking great. I love it. It is the greatest podcast. I am obsessed with it. Dude, Japanese people have dodged being the horrible humans they were. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They have dodged. They were so bad during the war. Not Japanese people here, but Japanese people in Japan. Japan was set up, racist. Japan and Germany were the same shit. They were identical. And Germans got, took a bullet, like you guys were racist, fucking this, not all of that stuff.

And then they're like, and then Japanese people, you know, just got them on the beach. The Japanese were savage, savage. Savages, I mean, like they would beat, I've learned so much, I'm blown away with Kim Jong Il. Not one. Not one. Not one.

Il. This motherfucker, he, I mean, it's good stuff. I'm amazed with, can I tell you what my obsession is right now? I'm trying to think of a way to work it into a joke is regime control. So in order, so just so everyone knows, in order to maintain a regime, you gotta keep your foot on the neck of your people.

Because if you ease off, they're gonna revolve and murder you in a way you're not gonna like. Yeah. In a way you're not gonna like. If you're not, I want to do it. Cause now I'm obsessed with pop a doc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I started going like,

I'm going into, I can't wait till he does here on the own. Oh, they say Stalin, I'm a stoke for Stalin. I can't wait till he hear that one. Stalin wanted to be besties with Hitler. Really? Oh, you haven't gotten there yet? Well, no, dude, I'm song king.

I'm on Kim Jong-il right now. Oh, it's so good. But Hitler's like, oh yeah, we'll be besties. Suck this cock, Stalin. I'm John Yoll right now. Oh, it's so good. And Hitler's like, oh yeah, we'll be best these suck this cock, Stalin. I'm fucking Hitler. That should not be pulled out. Shut the fuck up now. I'm not wearing ice-laden air for sure.

Can I tell you what happens to me that was so rad? So this whole week's been a shit show. Horrible. I'm in the hospital with Tom. It's a day he's getting discharged from the hospital. He's getting to the recovery center. Yeah And I was like, you know what? Let's treat ourselves. I'm gonna order some fucking Matsuhisa. Like this is like to me that it's like the best sushi and Los Angeles No, but Matsuhisa. He's the guy that invented Hamachi, Hullapeno, Miso. The guys are fucking jeans. I love it

So I ordered like just a spread bro. I'm like you're gonna shit after this Homey fuck these laxatives like you want a shit You're gonna shit and I get everything and I have a fucking hand roll like a spicy tuna Just beautiful hand roll and I bite into it and this is what happens go ahead and bring up my Instagram You know I have a veneers Oh my god I have veneers. Oh my god. I have veneers. That happens. My right fucking veneer pops off into the hand roll and I'm like you gotta be shitting

me. They're gonna discharge time from the hospital in two hours. I need to be there for him. So I go run down the dentist. It's so painful. You have to inject it. It's horrible. Oh my god. And then I had to do that all in one day.

And then much of my husband get put in a gurney and in the ambulance and it was horrible. Yeah. Oh my god, when did you get veneers? Okay, so I knocked out my teeth, half my tooth as a kid. So I always had to get bondings. Okay. And then five or six years ago, I decided to go upgrade that shit and get veneers. And they look great

But the problem is they're only 40% bonded on your tooth because of the nature of how they have to shave down the teeth under So the likelihood of that happening is a lot. I'm surprised it hasn't happened more frequently I've lost a number of I have bonding and I have veneers Roger veneers the front Because are those knocked out entirely? Those are not, no, those are, there are teeth there, but they're remnants of teeth. Right, like they shave them down.

I have to get a crown put on my back one that I have been dodging. I've like been like, I told Tom how long has it been? It's been, I want to say eight months since I've needed to put this crown on. And I keep going, just keep putting it off, keep putting it off. And I see someone like you were Whitney, that I go, Whitney does this, like she goes, I'm sick, I'm going, just keep putting it off, keep putting it off. And I see someone like you were Whitney,

that I go, Whitney does this. Like she goes, I'm sick, I'm going to the doctor. And I go, what the fuck? I just learn that. You know, I just learn that. I just learn that right now, Doc. We talk about this, I wear my mom's hat, that I just learn that people go to the doctor

and they get antibiotics, and then they get better faster than if you ignore it. Yeah, I know. They don't, so they don't just go, oh, I'm getting sick, this is cancer. Let me just find it from everyone. And then I'll wait until I get better and then go. You know what I had for the first time?

A physical this past year. You should have been workout clothes. Wait, this isn't like physical, oh, it's a physical, oh! Wait, so I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go, Never did that. Never, never, never. You showed up and work out close. Wait, this isn't like physical. Oh, it's a physical, oh. Oh.

Wait, so, you know, Tom got a call on the colonoscopy? Yeah, we didn't even get the results of that yet because this tragedy happened. I mean, you haven't got the results yet. Because what happened, and then happened right before Thanksgiving, and then they're like, Thursday, you'll know, but then this whole thing happened. So like, we haven't even heard,

I don't know, he could be dying of colon cancer too, but I don't want to know right now. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm gonna have colonoscopy because of him. Shut up. Because of him, because he did it. And I was like, I should probably get one.

Just because you're best he's doing it. Well, you know, because he's, I just don't understand people who go, I see a problem and I take care of a problem. Yeah, but do you need one yet? I think at 50, you have to start getting them. Unless you're Tom and he's like, actually, they're lower the age of 35.

And I just decided, you know, wanna get one? And I was like, No, but he also has explosive intermittent diarrhea, like inexplicable diaries. And we're like, I've been nagging him for seven or 10 years because every shit sounds terrible, Bert. Like, I hear his, they're called shits.

Well, they shouldn't all be disasters. Those are bowel movements. One of the sounds goes, they're bowel movements. When you shit, you shit. It's like shit, shit, shit. Do you get Kaka under the rim? It was my first joke or my special. Hey big boy.

Yeah, I have blowback where when you lift a seat, it looks like my special. Hey big boy. Yeah, I shoot I have blowback Where when you lift a seat it looks like it's got frackers. Yeah, but why I How does it push you push hard? I push you real hard I Push really I say like but why is it because you don't have enough fiber? Like is it hard? Cocka that you need to well It's funny is when I eat when I don't drink it goes away entirely Yeah, when I don't drink I actually have away entirely. Yeah. When I don't drink, I actually have my voice back today. I was singing and I was like,

there's parts of my new hour where I need my voice. And if I'm partying and on the road, my voice just isn't there. And I just, I just have been forcing it and hurting myself. Today I got off the treadmill and I was like, Hey! I was like, what the fuck is that? Here's the two jokes that I needed.

That's me, right? I can never get high and I can't get that either. It's a dolphin joke. So, but do you think these months off of partying and exercising like, is this what's sustaining your life because when you're on the, like, bro, I'll tell you what, Nadav, when I came in, Yeah, the night after working with the two of the boys at the drive-in show, and I lived like you

I went in your tour bus when you guys were performing, I drank two cans of can rosé or whatever And then I ate the barbecue that that mat mat, right? Dave Williams made. Yeah How did I look when I came in the next day? Oh, you were all Cross Fato's bar, babe. I was fucked up. I was like, I'm so hung over my head hurts. I feel like I'm dying inside.

And you do that every night. Every night, 23 nights in a row. I go hard. When we do these tours, it's every single night. And you're doing two shows a night. You're partying like that until five in the morning. You sleep until three in the afternoon, you get lunch, you take a nap, you try to run.

It's, you know, I was thinking today, today I'm on the treadmill and I was like, and I'm running really fast. And I go, I go, I wonder why? I wonder if, I wonder if this year, which has been the hardest on my body, because of the touring with COVID, a little more rested. Terrible.

Well, because you have to be on the bus, right? You have to stay on the bus. You're living on the bus. Yeah. I go, I wonder if running, saving my life, because I did run at 925 miles. Oh, God. I would think that running at your weight might be bad on your body, right? But right now, all my muscles are built up

because they've been carrying around a fat guy and I lost 15 pounds. My body's like, my body's like, who the fuck happened, man? We said sing on this treadmill. I mean, I felt so good today. I felt so fucking good on the treadmill. Did you take a swimming pool shower or did you shower?

I did. Leanne told me that. I was so gross. You really are the gnarliest human. Oh, pool is so cold right now. Hold on, I have so many other things. I can't believe I just fucking follow this. Okay.

Where my mom's at, I have had Leon on that show several times and she's. And she loves that more than anything. Oh, because she's a jam, she's a fantastic guest. She's so interesting. I've heard that, yeah, you don't actually shower after exercise that you just jump in the pool and you think that a chlorine bath is adequate.

I, yes, first of all, okay, it depends on my day. Like it, like, like a, but yeah, I think a pool is a shower. I think technically yes. Okay, and do you think that And do you think that you might, like, would that have an averse smell? Like, does that mean, I mean, she didn't say anything, so that's not- I don't smell that bad.

I'm not a big smeller, but I will, but I'm also very hygienic in the fact that, like, I also have an outdoor shower, so sometimes I'll get out of the pool and then rinse the chlorine off and I'll throw a shampoo in my hair in my beard. Okay, okay. And then do pits and pits and pussy, or whatever.

I think we call it in our house, but it's a pussy. Give me a put, pits and pussy ladies, let's go. I was gonna tell you, Salian revealed her famous BJ technique on where my mom's at. And then she said that you did it to Tom and he was impressed. Loved it.

He was like, this is what Bert gets. Which is kind of fucking gross and incestuous and weird now because I'm like, are you, because I go to Tom, I go, are you and Bert like BJ brothers now? Because you guys are getting like the same. There's no man brothers. Yeah, that's my brother. That's so gross. And so Tom is in the hospital and that's another joke.

He's like, I can't believe it. I just got this new beach technique and now this happened. And we were just on the, Why can't you get beaches with in a hot water bottle? He's so broke it. Like it's the last thing on his mind. I guess it's the last thing. And with a broken arm,

he'd be like, he's got that right hand freedom. broke it like it's the last thing on his mind and with the broken arm to be like He's got that right hand freedom government is dick is in his leg brace and all of a sudden it just starts raising he's like I think he can get hard but I don't think he wants to like he's still and he's on so many pain killers Okay, so hold on let's talk about this. Yeah, how are we gonna get him off painkillers and how are we gonna make sure he doesn't balloon up to 400 pounds? Okay, good question Um off the painkillers is gonna be pot. We're gonna transfer his thing to pot So he'll he'll be taking that's what landed me

But if all the waterfall she came in bed excited. They were gonna be oxy cotton. Yeah, that's what he's taking oxy Con oxy-coating It's not it's like it in I think it's like and. It's like it in. I think it's like that. And he's getting delighted. He's getting delighted. Because he needs it. He, by the way, he needs it. Because when they were giving it to him,

I'm not going to take away from his story, but I will say that he was saying, I still feel the pain. I'm not, I'm not high right now. I still feel pain. Oh, but it's a given nerve blockers in his knee. It's all that is. And Leon said, when Leon came in and I was taking them,

there was a fine line between like my back hurts because I fell off a waterfall versus, I don't want to read a book to my daughters, but this will make it better. And so Leon just came in, we were about to go camping that weekend, and I just refilled, just refilled, because I was like, we're going camping,

I'm sleeping on the floor, I need this. She came in and woke me up and had him in her hands, she's like, these are done. And I was like, we're going camping, I'm sleeping on the floor, I need this. She came in and woke me up and had him in her hands. She's like, these are done. And I was like, what? She goes, it's noon. You took one in the middle of the night last night and you're done. She goes, go to a marijuana store and get whatever you need,

but you need to go, I need you to go to whatever Costco with me in an hour. So go get weed if you need it. And I went and got weed and it works. It does work, I think, to wean you off of the oxies. You don't. So does Crateem. Crateem.

What's that? I don't know, I know a lot of guys that were on pills and that Crateem was like a good get off pills thing. I don't know, I don't know enough about Crateem. Someone hit me up if you know something about Cratum, I'm sure we let's get a cratum sponsor Yeah, but he made cratum cratum's like a legit like vitamin like it's a legit Vitamin you can take

Cratum is a tropical tree from the coffee family native to Southeast Asia with properties ranging from stimulant like Energizing uplifting. Oh, that's cool to an opiate like causing drowsy in it saying you for a yeah Yeah, he just needs it for pain management. I think great. I think great. I'm worse. Oh, that's good By the way, I'm not a doctor. So don't listen to me, but Yeah, but uh, so okay, so Leanne's beijes infamous famous I got one of those like I am marrying that yeah, I mean, who would have known like looking at her She's such a lady and but she's not she's a fucking she's a ho Savvy's down there and let me shout out to dr. Drew's wife. Yeah, you don't need to just blow them fall on a little bit

Then start having sex well, that's what the interesting it be fucking greatest thing ever right But here's the thing is that I feel as though you can't you can't say it's three to five blow jobs unless there's a bagoc Like she there has to be a jizz in your mouth for it to count as a full blow job. It's not It's not you know, I mean that's just an ampere. It's a an appetizer if she I like that blow blow and then I like that I've been doing that for centuries. I know I don't get credit on the appetizer Oh, Leanna's been doing that for centuries if If she goes down there, she's having a meal. She's staying, yeah.

She fucks him. She puts a crap dib on and goes, all right. Here we go. Ah, ah, ah. Now, how many times? Aaron Abon. How many times a week is she doing the B, John, you know, I forget. Now, every time we have sex, I get a little starter one. No, ah, sorry. It's the greatest. It's the greatest. Are you guys, how much are you being in right now?

With the other kids, right? Not more than average. We did it this weekend. That's nice. But the thing is, is that for me, I was not enjoying sex as much as I used to and I couldn't figure out why. And then when Dr. Drew's wife's technique, Susan's technique comes in and I get it almost it

It awoke everything down there, and I was like, oh, this is like for play. Yeah, I never understood for play I was like, that's fucking stupid. Let's just fuck yeah, I'm kind of not wasted. Yeah, and but now I'm loving it I'm loving it and her new body. She's skinny. That's so great. You know, I really you can just get some plastic surgery. No kidding. Just some filler. Dude, I gotta tell you something. Well, let's pivot. I'll say this. Sure. Sure. I can't say it because if I say it then I'll then you'll go, oh, is that what you're talking about? So I can't say it right now because I'll say it. Okay. Just what are we doing? Don't quit dancing. Because I like the person and I don't want to say it. You and I can't, but you and I can't, there's no filters.

Okay, okay, we're not going to say what the person is. I know, because I know the person is already. Yes, I do. I just saw this person. Okay. And she is the hottest person, but she's stunning. But she's also had a little plastic surgery, I think. Is that right?

Yeah, I saw it up close, I was like, I like it. I actually like it. She looks like she's 20. And she's older than me. So fucking hot. You go stunning. And the body is like, she looks like a 20er. It's not freaking fucking anything.

But it's genetics too, because she was hot like that at 20. Like her body at 20 was not my body at 20. Do you know what I'm saying? Like the bitch had muscle, like she was toned as fuck already. Yeah, I actually think her body got better. I think so too. Because you lean out, you get the paper over. Oh!

Oh! Okay, well, if you got the name, you got the name. Share in the comments section, let everyone know who we're talking about. But don't let her know for real. No doubt. I think we're not letting her know. So, Tommy Buns is probably not going to be able to get in studio for a minute.

I mean, he can't bend his knee for six weeks. I think he shouldn't push it. No, we're not gonna. I mean, I definitely wanna run studio for the live gig on New Year's Eve. I think that's what we're gonna shoot for is to have him for the live gig, right? The live show on New Year's Eve, which is gonna be amazing. I'm so excited for you guys. It's so awesome. We first of all, we, like, I don't know if you New Year's Eve, which is gonna be amazing. I'm so excited for you guys. It's gonna be so awesome.

We first of all, we, like, I don't know if you know this, but Todd and I wrote Porns. I do know this. Well, he was like, would it, would it? Yeah, he did ask for a little suggestions and I was like, yeah,

but I only led him to an idea that he was towing with for years. We've been talking about this topic for years. I didn't come up with the idea. I'm saying I go, Tom, remember that thing you used to say a lot? Do that. So what's so funny is I wrote mine, but I couldn't give it to Leanne. Because Leanne doesn't, like porn kind of like turns,

shuts her down for whatever reason, I don't know. There's certain things about Leanne, like she's not a, she likes to get loo-sturing sex, but she doesn't wanna feel like a whore. She's a lady. She's a Southern Baldy. And so I couldn't give her my porn. And so I was like, I wrote this porn and I loved it.

I was so excited about it. And I was like, and I was like, by the way, I have like a movie in development and I'm not reading that script. I'm writing a porn. And my agents were like, hey, man, I said it to my agents. I was like, can guys like have someone read this

Tell me what they think and they're like, what the fuck? And I was like, I'm not directing it. I just wrote it and they're like, what? I sent to the dog and I waited for him to reply back with and he didn't reply for like a day until I ran into him And he's like, that was really funny. And by the way, so we have porn that we're gonna be debuting. I want to see it. Oh, you can see my porn Yeah, I love you. No, she can see my porn, right? No, you guys can't see each other's porn's till two bears live on news. No.

She's not gonna tell Tom. Not gonna tell Tom. I don't know. I love the D-Claz rule. Do you have it here now? I mean, yeah, I have a copy of the P.D. I mean, look, we didn't film it yet. We're in the pro, we're in the pro,

we're in the pro, we're in the pro, we're in the pro, we're in the pro, we're in the pro. We have actually casting showin' up. We got me a casting call. That's interesting. I have some ideas But but I had so much fun writing that so on our live thing we are going to air both of our oh Whitney coming so I have to piss really bad. I'll talk to Whitney. I wish I had a diaper on

Hey, I'm doing two pairs one cave How did you know? No, that's push Tom's in the hospital so she's my co-host Hey, you want to come co-host two bears one cave live or two bears one cave with me? Come on Whitney I'm actually would rather kill myself you sick would rather have sex with you I Making eye contact if you the whole time Whitney. I'm actually You know I'm gonna say yes, you know I'm gonna say yes. You know I'm gonna fucking cave and say yes.

Here, you sick? Do you, you saw that saying? We were just talking about you. We were just, you were just talking about me? Yeah, because I was like, what kind of, I'm gonna put you on the camera so we can see you. But what kind of person takes, what gets sick and then goes, I will now go to the doctor

and fix this as opposed to goes, I'll just wait and find out. In a doll. Yep, well, we're talking about Whitney when we said that she gets her beautiful. Oh wow, you seem really excited to talk to her. I know, because I love her. I'm obsessed with you, I love you.

Hey. How's your tooth? Oh my God, they glued it right back in. It's back in now. My veneer fell out. I was eating sushi of all things. Trash for a life. Always homie. Always. Listen, how do you state? I wish I could have some three stripes for Adidas. So listen, how are you skinny? What are you doing? Because Bert and I are trying to... What do you do? What kind of, it's called peptides and vert refuses

to respond to the text messages. No, no, no, it's not peptide. What do you eat, though? What do you, are you telling me it's the peptides? It's 100% the peptides. He's talking about, I don't want to inject anything into myself.

Well, okay, do you want to go to the gym? Do you want to go to the gym? No. No. No. Peptides. Okay,

give me the number. I want to do this. Okay, but don't me give me the number. I want to do this Okay, but don't waste my time. I'm not gonna waste. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna waste your time. God, she's so bossy My biological clock is ticking. My old breeze are turning into dust. And you guys ask for help. I give it to you and then you don't fucking take it. I'm gonna take it.

I'm gonna take it. We'll get you pregnant if that's what you're asking for. I'm good luck. Hey Whitney, I need to talk to you about something and then I'll call, can you around in like 20 minutes? You know, I'm like, why am I always, why am I always on your schedule, girl? Because I don't need what you call you. I do need to talk to you about that thing I will

I will you know chasing a rat in your yard and sitting in a bucket of ice Yeah, all right. I'm on your schedule I I That's true. Are you still stuffy? Watches my insta stories Thank you Thank you hey Tom's gonna need peptides real quick. Maybe he has been a balloon up to 400. I know.

But you're not gonna, he's not gonna respond to me and then I'm gonna text and then I know harassing you guys to live long. Why do you, you sound congested? What's going on? I know I'm a sinus infection from the construction in my house. Oh no.

I'm getting the surgery. What? She, she signs up'm getting the surgery. What? She signs up for a fucking surgery. What's surgery? For what? A sinus surgery for a deviated septum. Oh, my God. I had a nose job.

So now I have to go get an actual nose job. And I'm afraid it's going to look like. That's cool. Don't have a nose job. Wait, what are you going to actually change the shape of your nose? It's perfect. No, it seems like a laser.

Is it just like a laser that goes on the nose? Inside. Wait, do I have a deviated septum? Yes. You snore, right? actually change the shape of your your nose is perfect inside. Wait, do I have a DBA to stop? Yes. You snore, right? At least of your aesthetic. I know. You have a deviated body.

I know. I'm actually really skinny right now. Are you? Yeah, I'll send you noons in a second. Oh my god. God. All right, we're going to wrap this up. I love you. I Feel better

Feel better. Oh So fucked My gosh, she really abuses you The end is Lee and you like cancels you out by oh my gosh She really abuses you You know, we have a touch-and-go relationship. I know she goes she goes into Kelly Clarkson the other day And like the thing about Whitney is she is such a ballbuster. It doesn't turn off and this poor guy's got a picture of me up And she goes can you fucking delete that and the guys like She's like he just bothers me. He bothers me.

And the guy's like, you're doing it. And I'm like, he doesn't know where friends with me. Like tell him that you know me or something. He's triggering me. She's like, she likes to trigger you. It's just like she sent a video, I think, to us where she was in checking into the hospital or ER to get a COVID test.

Did you see this video? And the guy goes, oh yeah, I saw Brett Chrysler. Brett, Brett Chrysher in here. And she goes, who? Brett Chrysher. And she's like, am I more famous than, than Bert? Like, it was a contest to see it was more. Yeah. Yeah. And that, well, I mean, look, whatever. She means well. She loves you now. Yeah. I think you guys have a sibling relationship. I feel like we do at the end. I remember, the end one time was like, we were just in the front yard, busting balls and me and Whitney

and the girls were there that were playing with our dogs. And Leanne's like, if you ever do a sitcom, she needs to play her wife. Yeah. And I was like, definitely. And then she stops and she goes, you can't fall in love with her. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I was like, you think I'd fall in love with Whitney? She goes, everyone falls in love with Whitney. Yeah. She just is, she's a. She is a very nurturing, she's a Whitney's pretty fucking awesome person. Like it, and you know, it's so funny, as a comic, especially as a female comic, you have to, you, it's this second, as a guy,

and it's weird, it's a flip I think maybe, as a guy when you show softness or weakness or vulnerability, people applaud you. When Rogan cries about his dog or putting down a dog, everyone's like, fuck yeah. But if a woman when you cry, everyone's like, oh come on man, you know, and it's such a flip. And so a lot of times women, like he would like,

I don't wanna cry about Tom, and I was like, he's your husband, you're allowed to, and you're like, I know, but I don't want to. Whereas if I cried about Tom, everyone be like, that's what friendship's about. That's really meaningful, yeah. God. They really, they must be closer than him and his wife.

I know. It's the fucking weirdest. Well, there's a different set of rules for ladies and gents. They're all there are. But I'll tell you something, you know, the especially now that you white guys are going out of fashion, I think that I start

to appreciate white dudes more now. And I have to tell you, like, I kind of like being a second class citizen, I don't want to be in first position. Like you guys, let you guys run everything. I'm fucking happy being home with my babies and like bacon cookies and shit. Like when Tom's out making the money, I'm like, yeah, go. I get the best of everything, the world.

That's what I love about. It's great. Female's transitioning to men Is I want to go like hey your white guy now? Let me help you out. This will be a tough road Here's the rules right like Elliott page Elliott page. I want to hit her up You like hey, welcome to the team. I'm a big fucking fan for the record. I hope to God. I swear to God I'm I'm so happy that I don't I that's the weird thing is I really give a fuck of anyone transitions at all I'm so happy that I don't, that's the weird thing. I really can't fucking anyone transitions at all.

Fucking hell. Who's this now? I'm not doing that. You're so popular. I'm not doing that. You're so popular. I'm not driving me nuts right now. I'm so angry at him.

And I'm not telling him. And if you're watching this, Ari, I love it. I already talked to you, and you'll know, because I've told you. And it's not because you drugged me. I don't care when people transition. And I understand that you need to announce it. I get it. And I totally understand. It's like, yeah, I don't care when people transition. Like, and I understand that you need to announce it, I get it, and I totally understand.

It's like, yeah, I wanna be called, I wanna be called a dude now, and so I'll be called a dude. And I'm cool, I'll call you a dude. I'm gonna fuck up a little bit. I fucked up a little bit with Elliot. The first day, because I was kind of excited, and I'm my favorite shows, Umbrella Academy. I love Umbrella Academy, and he is an Umbrella Academy.

And my only question was like, this isn't fuck up on umbrella academy. Like, I'm not that it's like, if it does, I'd rather your happiness be first, but you're awesome and Ellen in umbrella. He plays a woman in the show. Is this on Netflix? Cause I don't want anything.

He does play a woman, which was used to be totally normal. And now you're not allowed to do that now though, because that's my fucking problem. It's whitewashing. You can't have a dude play a chicks roll. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck, don't please.

Please, can everyone just still like, yeah, let's put our rules on hold. Umbrella Academy's pretty awesome. Like, let's, let's, I understand that Charlotte Johansson can't play a, Scarlett. That girl can't play a trend. She can't play a woman transitioning to a man.

Why not? She can't, it's whitewashing. Whitewashing. Or she played an Asian woman. I don't know what she did. She played a lot of them. Well, this is because we used to, people used to play Asians and stuff like breakfast at Tiffany's.

And you can't read something out of style. I can't do that over the top. I know it's so crazy To the point where you're like oh my god, but remember the movie soul man That was do you remember that movie? Yeah, are you kidding me? Yeah, do you know like his dad took his college fun to buy a boat? Yeah, and then he just... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Wait, and you know how he gets that collar? He takes a bunch of tanning pills, self-tanner pills. Oh, for.

And then so that's how he becomes a darker skinned. And it's so fucked up because he has such white guy features. Like, he says, the whitest guy's feature. Yeah, like they couldn't pick somebody who could actually maybe pass Michael Hall for like you think you have a Michael Hall playing a black dude high in the

back of a fucking card in your science is my favorite scene. Chicks can hold his mouth. Oh my god, you're right. Anthony Michael. This is a good game to play. Which white people here's younger could have played a black dude.

I just I think I think Anthony Michael Hall today because let's see him today. He's got a lot of pro features. Yeah, now he could be a more... God, he did not age well. But no one does. By the way, I... No, it's brutal. Okay. I type in, can I tell you who I met one time? And I was like, I don't mind aging that way. Is Rick Schroeder. I'm like, I was just thinking about him.

Rick Schroeder. He's got his, he's hot. He looks like a cowboy like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, gray beard, gray beard, gray beard. Oh, all right, far right, far right. Yeah. I had such a crush on him growing up. Me too. First round.

I had a fucking, I shouldn't say me too, but I wanted to be Rick Schroeder growing up. Yeah, me too. I wanted to bang him and right on his train, memory he had a train that ran through his house. I got an ID bracelet for Christmas because Ricky Schroeder in that in Silversmith's time. Over the top. He had an ID bracelet. He gave his girls an ID bracelet and I was like,

what's an ID bracelet? My mom's like, so, Braceett, I was like, we're on my list for Christmas. My dad's like, I think we got a gig, I think. Who was your crush growing up? Oh, who's your cartoon crush? We talk about this and Christmas, my dad's like, I think we gotta get a guy. Okay. Um, who was your crush growing up? Oh, who was your cartoon crush? We talked about this and where my mom's at. Like, who's my cartoon?

Like, remember growing up, my first crush was on Mighty Mouse. I have like a weird thing for Mighty Mouse. I was four or five years old and I just, I was so in love with him. And like, you don't even know what sex is at that age, but I would just imagine him like, yeah, like I would, I would,

imagine I was a girl, and that he was so strong and he'd carry me and stuff. And that's funny, you kind of married a mighty mouth. I know, I totally did. He's kind of built like Tom, right? I had a crush, I never had cartoon crushes, but I had youthful crushes on the Bougalus. Uh-huh, let's put it on the Bougalus.

Exactly, bigly, hold on to the Bougalus. Oh my God, this is the old jam, bro. Yeah, the fucking girl from the Bugalus. I had a hard, anytime she got tied up, I was fucking. Oh, I've heard about this. I've heard about your tie up and your quick sand. Quick sand, anything. Yeah. Wonder Woman, the Bugalus, the Sam from the, what was the Nell Carter?

Oh, yeah, by the way, Alyssa Milano, I still have a fucking crush on her. She's the best, yeah. I still have a crush on her. Sam from, what's Nell type in Nell Carter's, Sam? Give me a break. Give me a break. Sam from Give me a break. Let me see Sam from Give me a break.

Give me a break. Now I know break. Sam from give me a break. Let me see Sam from give me a break. Give me a break. Now I know what it takes. That chick. Dude, I had a heartache. What? She had braces. Oh, I had a, yeah. I remember, dude, this stuff was great.

I loved no card. I had a Sartre crush on her. That's your crush. You're a fucking weird. I had a Sartre crush. Okay, what about Charles and Charles and Nicole Eggert? You know what? She has everybody's your crush your fucking Okay, what about Charles and charge Nicole Egger? You know what I Everybody's boy crush. I think I met her in real life. She was but I don't remember she wasn't on the radar for me back That look how cute she was you weren't into blond you're into grumpy burnets

She is fucking she was hanging on how old is she in this before I go she's so hot I did that to a Kardashian one time. I was like, God damn it. She was even hotter younger my wife said she's 13 in that picture. I was like oops, see Daisy. Okay, I remember saying in the end is Selma Gomez. Selena Gomez, what enough to Jorkov too. And she was like, I was like I'm joking kind of.

Okay, 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp. Oh my god. I had a life size poster of this fool in, kinda. Okay, 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp. Oh my god. I had a life-size poster of this fool in my room. It's 21 Jump Street. Dude, he was so fucking hot. Look at him in that era. Look at him. I mean, this guy's always been good looking.

He's what, 1918 there? Look at his hair. Oh my god, that's the poster I had. Thick. He's so rad. He's gorgeous, man. He's got gorgeous features. I know.

He's stunning. Like, okay, so if you had to be part of a group of guys, right? Like no meaning like you had to be like a part of a like they had the St. Elmos fire rat pack. Right. They had the obvious the original rat pack. But then Johnny Depp had like the one known rider. You can also be part of the one with Paltrow, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and chunk you can be but you had to be part of like a rat pack I Might go Johnny that Richard Greek like that era's Richard of River Phoenix. I like that one

I want River Phoenix Girl from parenthood that's kind of always Martha Plimpton Martha Plimpton really I thought I've always thought Martha Plimpton was sexy Martha Plimpton and and Juliet Lewis. I like Juliet Lewis. She's weird. I like her a lot. I follow her on Instagram.

She's great. I like her. She's like a rocker. She has a rock band. Yeah. Wait, I would be- Let me just think. I'd make you wait, Lewis.

You know who I'd want to be? I liked, okay, this is gonna sound corny as fuck, but I liked the whole Phyllis Diller era of comedy. You were just telling me this the other day. Phyllis Diller. I like the- I like that time 16. Both the Bob Newhart and Don Rickles were best friends.

I love that energy. I love that energy. I love that they go, that they used to go to lunch every day together. Like at this old country club. I wish that things were still like that. Where it was like kind of, wow, this, it's not like Donald Trump. I wish that things were still like that. Where it was like kind of, wow, this, it's not like Donald Trump.

I wish we could make America great again. Where it was like, you know, white people ran everything. It's people, yeah. White guys rolled the world. No, but like it seemed like back then everything was a lot simpler where they were like,

you're going to the club today, right? Yeah. I was like, yeah, I'll see you at the club in the morning. I get up there and go, I go, I wake up. I leave my family. I have my coffee, a cocktail over there. Then I go do a couple meetings. We'll come back, we'll have lunch. This is totally when the club in the morning. I get up there and go, I go, I wake up. I leave my family, I have my coffee, a cocktail over there. Then I go to a couple meetings.

We'll come back, we'll have lunch. This is totally when white guys rule the world. Yeah, I was a member of this country club, Beverly Hills Country Club, and it was an old, it wasn't, I'm making it worse than it was, but it was like an older Jewish country club. And I, it felt like that. Like I remember everyone that was there.

Historically Jews weren't allowed in country clubs. Did you know that the Jonathan Club, they just let Jews in in the 80s? Is this the Beverly Hills Country Club? This is, yeah, this place was awesome. It was so great. Wait, you belonged to this? Yeah, it was actually pretty expensive.

I was gonna say, Jesus Christ. Type in what it cost to be Beverly Hills Country Club. Wait, what year is this? This was, we had just had a Ila. Oh my God. And I had gotten, I was doing a show called Fresh Big Video Games. And I got a big paycheck. And yeah, it was like 300 bucks a month.

Wow. It wasn't horrifically. That's not too bad. I think we paid 175. Yeah, 175 to 350. And you could take the whole family, could go swimming, we did a pool. And I played tennis every day with this guy Marty. I fucking this old man was so much

I hope he's still alive probably not probably Not COVID. He was the first guy I ever saw ice his knees He's like when you're my age and I was like oh, I'm there today pressing he I I don't want him to be dead But I wish he was so I could tell you stories about him, because he was so fucking funny. He was so fucking funny. God. Yeah, but I used to play there every day,

and I loved it, and I remember just sitting there and being like, the old man would just come up and be like, you could just sit at the table and they'd talk to them. Yeah, like talk about like white guy stuff. Like how do you make your money? And, right?

Like, because I know like Tom's family, like they grew up going to a country club. And I went for the first time in their hometown and I was like, this is crazy. Like, it's really cool. Country clubs are really cool. If you find one that's not obnoxious. Yeah, I guess.

If you're, I'm certain. But if you can find one like that one was like 175 a month, it made sense for people that wanted to have a gym or a guy like, I'm not a beast. It was like, as opposed to getting a crunch fitness, you joined it. And they had a full gym, full trad mills, a pool, and you could play tennis, and it was a place to join, and you could go have dinner with your family. I like that too.

So fucking cool. But the thing I don't like is that then these people know everything about you. And then they gossip because in that, in that like small community, they can be like, oh my God, there's percreture. And you know what he did when happened, and blah, blah. Marty was going through a divorce. And he was like, I think it was like, almost,

I don't know how old he was. I hope he is alive so he could hit me up. I'd love to catch up with him. Marty. Marty. Marty, they call him Marty the magician. But you're not gonna find a lot of magicians in there. He, he did.

Wait, why would you find a lot of magicians in there? Because I'm sure there is a Marty the magician out there. But what he did was he would save video. So video, they did a TV, this will help you find them exactly, okay? See, yeah, there's a lot of Marty the Magicians. Oh my gosh. Marty, they had a show called Help on the Celebrity Get Me Out.

I remember that. Okay. Which is so obnoxious, like, you owe. Like, I'm too good to be doing stuff. It's so weird. It is a weird thing. Were you on that?

No, no, I wasn't even famous. I wasn't famous when that happened. But what happened is they lost the whole season of footage. They sent it to Marty and Marty saved all the footage. With his magic? Because he was a video guy, he was good with video. Hey, type in a help on the celebrity. Get me out here, Marty.

No way. I swear to God, I'm going to find a good guy. I want to, I'm. Wait, what was the premise of help? I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. Remember that fucking I remember the title But what were they doing that was so bad? They were just in the woods. I think Okay, Kathy Griffin was on it such a bizarre time. That was a good air of reality shows though Remember like temptation island

Yeah, I loved um, you know, the I love New Yorks. Did you have a hard time watching reality shows because you were on one? I fucking, when the real world first came out in like 93 or something, 92. Don't forget me, started. I loved it. I was obsessed.

And then when I got cast a Beyond One, I was like, this is the best. And then after I still love reality shows, it's my absolute favorite genre. I love love. I do love still love reality shows. It's my absolute favorite genre. I love I do love love love reality shows I remember my buddy Eddie Fernandez said to me No joke. I mean, I'm talking no joke. He said He said someone said are you used to he tried every year to get on real world or road rules and

And he just graduated college and someone said so you still trying to get on road rules. And he just graduated college and someone said, so are you still trying to get on road rules? And without smiling or making a joke, he was, I'm pretty much putting all my eggs in that basket. And we could not stop laughing. But it was, I wanted to get on, I wanted that would have been. What you get on though, real worlds are road rules. So two different, they're very different. Oh, I would have, oh, I would have the amount I talk now. Imagine how reckless I would have been in 1997. Oh my God. Oh, they would have made you until, like remember? Okay, okay, real-world San Francisco.

Remember when David pulled the blanket off of- That's real-world San Diego. Oh, sorry. I just got- Sorry. Are you sure? Oh my God. No, no, no, no, Aaron was living in that house.

Okay, the black chick who married the Baby Then you got a jaw wired shut also out of the borscht. Yes, should abortion Tammy Borscht and Tammy had an abortion season on that season David was best friends with Dave shapel. Did you know that I did know that David Dave shapel I did know I did know that I saw David do stand up when I first started stand up I saw David come and do stand up and he went and did the Boston Comedy Club and he did a Act that was identical to that guy on the far right yeah, David real-world Seattle

Okay, I'm sorry. I know that David yeah, so he was in love with Kara the casting agent right that cast all of us So his season coincides with my season of road rules. And so he fell in love with, where was he? He was in Seattle, real world. Yeah, we're the one guy slapped the chick with Lyme disease. Yeah, date was his name. I read David.

I think David's side by Reem. Yeah, he called him gay and he went, yeah, I'm not gay. Yeah, and he lived in Berkeley and I lived in San Francisco at the time. So he and I were like kind of buds. David's cool. The black dude. Yeah, like, is he gay and I lived in San Francisco at the time. So he and I were like kind of buds. David's cool. The black dude.

Yeah. Is he gay? I think he got arrested for prostitution. Yeah, he was there all trouble. Oh, I did leave. This is a very troubled cast. But anyway, so you know the two, the real world and the road rules people, when you're coinciding seasons,

you challenge each other at the time, right? This is back of the day. So we went up to Seattle to challenge them and Puget Sound or something stupid. I remember this episode. And I'll never forget, it was the first time I wore my Adidas track suit on a trip. And I got, okay, so we're all in the back

of this travel bus. And for some reason, for some reason, I end up in David's lap, because we're all like, you know, it's all this incestuous. Yeah, yeah. And you're all partying and you're in your 20s. And like, I'm just like laying in David's lap,

and I look up, and he's trying to kiss me in this van. But however, he had just knocked out, oddly enough, his right tooth, just like the one I had knocked out. But, but rather than fix it, he shoved it back in and it had turned black. And he was trying to French me with a rotten tooth in his mouth. Oh my god. Yeah, I've never told the story.

Oh my god, I love behind-the-scenes stories. Yeah, I've got a lot about this cast. This cast? I love. That was a fucking volatile cast. Did you know the white, it was volatile. Did you know that you're the white, it was volatile. Do you know why?

No, I don't know why. Starts with the D and ends with an S. Drugs? I didn't say the word. Were they really? Were they? I'll tell you off camera. Oh, really?

So here's the thing. Here's best case scenario if for me. The show's long gone. If I don't on one of those shows, is that I would have gotten on with lunatics and then been able to sit back and sniper, talk about them. You think so.

I think I would have out lunatic people. Yeah, well here's the thing, you have to be a little off to get cast. So I admit, like I was fucking crazy too. But you and you and Shane, for Canada, normal. I know the girl that you did it with. Suzy. Suzy, you and Susie were totally fucking normal

But they had anticipated that we would fight because I got to read my casting Bible later when I worked at Unimary and They set us up because she's like this Christian goody two shoes And I was like this like fuck yeah, like snarky and they they thought we were gonna hate each other and we ended up being You know, but that's who you are you don't have you. But that's who you are. You don't have, you don't have enemies or you're not, you don't confront. So you're just really, I'm trying to think, Chadwick had the big tattoo on his chest. This is the first time I saw a dude

with an aggressive tattoo and I was like, what did his parents say? I think he had it removed. I saw him in Nashville and I was like, what's up with your tiger? And I think he had it removed. Chadwick. He's a filmmaker now. He just had a film in a festival.

Yep, he's doing great. He's married to Holly. Holly from season something after. And they have children together. They ended up getting married and being happily married. And I think they just moved to Canada. He's whole pandemic. This is a, let's talk about the guys.

Top five, CT just got divorced. I know. I just saw that and the new CT was one of my, CT was one of my, I have gotten, I remember, I remember Theo, everyone had good gossip about CT. That guy had, had literally a fucking bag. Skeletons, skeletons.

I don't know him. He was in Paris. He was in Paris and he was a guy that could come out with He had the he should have been a fucking movie star man. Gorgeous. What a what a look He should have been a fucking movie star gorgeous. There was so many good looking I'll tell you what when I did the one challenge that I did do the battle of the sexes I was the least fit least the Battle of the Sexes, I was the least fit, least physical person. They're all, they were all just beautifully hooked.

Their bodies were just amazing. And I was like, I didn't belong. I don't know. Most successful people out of real world rules today. Okay, hold on. But hold on. Top five. Eric Nees. Eric Nees. Eric Ne five. Eric Nees. He hosted the grind.

Eric Nees, I just saw him. He's great. He came up with my newsfeed. What's he doing right now? Eric Nees, that's not how he's spilling. Oh, okay, I'm sorry. Eric Nees. Eric Nees was a fucking gorgeous man.

He's gorgeous, too. Still is. Still is. Look at him, aged greatly. He looks amazing. Oh, that's him type in the online e online I just saw he's doing whim off stuff. What is he doing? Online straight straight up straight up straight up straight up right there. He's doing e online stuff That's him a nice breath and I think it came up because I take ice bath photos from your favorite real worlders

And where are they now? Oh, so he also had their B is worse That's fucking super successful. I know I'm gonna be no one's gonna beat the Miz. The Miz is Hit it out of the park love the guy that guy Talk about leaning into staying in your lane like he was like bro There's certain people I'm I don't mean this disrespect for the Miz I hope this comes out good. Oh, she became a fan, just into Barrett. Remember her from real world, England? She was a princess or something, right?

No. She went to Heather Markerles, Merrimeth Markerles, Merrimeth, Merrim. Yeah, I'm not gonna mark it as she's stunning too and she's so talented. Do you remember the guy that got his tongue bitten off in London, the London? No.

Neil. Oh, yes I went to Oxford if he was at Oxford the same time as I was and I would see him at pubs And I'd be too shy to talk to him and I wish I would have fucked up. I should have fucked him I ran into I ran into from the first season Dom The Irish guy. Oh, yeah I met him as Sebastian show in at the at the forum and I was like oh Oh my god and show at the forum and I was like, I go, I love, I go. You wanna hear a conversation with these stories? I'm fucking doing casting for TripFlip in Long Beach

and we're at the thing, Adam Divine comes up. I'm like, yeah, we're talking, we're bullshit and right. And then they're like, oh, these people came up and I start talking to them and I'm talking to this one girl and I'm like, God, do I know you? And she goes, no. And I was like, so you wanna be on TripFlip and she's like, I'd love to, I'd love traveling. And I'm like, okay, have I know you? And she goes, no. And I was like, so you want to be on Trip Flip?

And she's like, I'd love to. I love traveling. And I'm like, okay, have you ever done anything on television? She goes, I have. I go, like, what? She goes, I did the real world. And I went, wait, oh, Ruthie, it was fucking Ruthie. By the way, tech nine, tech, tech, tech, tech, tech.

What's tech doing? Tech should be a movie star. That guy has so much goddamn charisma so much talent So much he's got a movie wasn't he in Van Wilder? Oh, he wasn't there What's that doing right he is man that guy I put some money down on him. Yeah, he's great Podcast I don't have text on doing a podcast. He should do a goddamn podcast. Yeah, he's got. No, he's not. Start a podcast. I don't know if Texan doing a podcast. He should do a goddamn podcast. Yeah, he's not. Tech money. Tech money. He's great. I was going to say about the Miz is the Miz is like, you know, those guys that like, I

don't mean, but it's going to come off disrespectful. I don't mean to be disrespectful. You know, those guys that have like one good idea. Yeah. And they follow through with it. And then they're like, I started the My pillow company. I didn't have a ton of ideas, but I'm a gazillionaire. The Miz was like very much like, I wanna be a professional wrestler, which I think everyone thought was the dumbest idea in the world.

And then he did it. And you're like, bro, I wish everyone had that kind of vision where you're like, I know what I want. I'm not all over the map we shit. I'm not gonna go and be the host of Eonline I'm not gonna do I want to be a pro wrestler and this is where I'm putting all my when he did pro WWF right ever is called the wrestling people Did a like a reality show of people that want to be wrestlers. He was on it. He was fucking amazing He's really good. He's awesome. I like he's awesome

I like him as I like a person to like I like him as we is yeah Cuz I think I met him one time and he was so gracious and so nice to me and I'm like all your like you're cool I just don't think too when you meet these people cuz I met a lot of them over the years and you're like when they're a shit bird in real life It just ruins the illusion cuz I love reality That's what that's what would fund me out about CT. Cause I haven't heard great reviews. But I go, but I was such a fan of that. And by the way, I don't know CT.

I've only heard stories through the grapevine. So I can't even, I don't know. I've only, I don't know, I've never met him. But I would have him on my podcast and a fucking heartbeat. But I'd want him to be CT. You know, like I, like it's the guy that you, it's so funny, it's though, I think a lot of people that were in reality shows were like,

no, that's not really who I am, that's why I'm on the show, like Johnny Banana's, I'm sure he isn't that kind of. Oh, I hear he's bananas. Is he? No, no, I think everything is not as supposed to be. I don't know him, I've only heard the stories, and when I hear he's fucking bananas, yeah.

But I tell you, I tell you. Don't make me like him so much more. Here's the thing though, man, is that a lot of times, people that are psychos on these show, they go, oh, but they ended me together. Yeah, right, right, right. Get the fuck out, bullshit. Let me, if you're a douchebag in real life,

guess what, you're a douchebag on a reality show. Oh, you become a bigger douchebag. Yeah. When we did last comic standing too. Oh my god, I did that show a couple times too. It was horrible. We were a worse experience in my entire life. Horrible showbiz experience, yeah.

Without a doubt, the like soul-sucking, what am I doing? Yeah, I should quit comedy. I'm not out of this terrible. I don't have a career. I've ruined my career. I'm having a daughter. This is, and they wanted me to get into a fight with Anne. Oh yeah, who's great. I love Anne. And I was like, and they're like, I'm, I'm, I'm cool. And they wanted me to get into a fight with Ant. Oh, yeah, who's great. I love Ant.

And I was like, and they're like, I'm my cool. And they got me on camera and they're like, well, should we tell you what Ant said about you? I was like, I don't think I want to hear it. And they're like, it's pretty bad. And I was like, I think he's just going to hurt my feelings. And they're like, well, maybe you want to watch it? And I was like, no, I don't.

And I go, Ant's good. I think he's a good guy. And I hope the best for him. And then I was like, oh my god, not shitting on Amp, but I was like, that's what you got to do to be on the show. Is it just a talker? Is it just a shit talker? I was like, I am a shit talker, but not in a bad, like.

Same. I'll talk some shit, but not like, oh, fucking Nadov thinks he's all that fucking Nadov. Like I wouldn't. I've said that though, but yeah. Oh, that's right, I forget you and the dog have, you guys have your own reality show. I have caught, I have talked shit, but it's usually like, I don't know I'm talking shit,

I'm telling you my opinion on something. Like I know that I'm, I know. Right, and importantly. I know I'm gonna get in trouble for this Kevin Hart's thing. And all I said was, I just, all I'm saying is like, I wanna celebrate luck. I believe in luck more than hard work, right? I'm not saying Kevin Hart's not the hardest work of dude.

And I'm just saying like, I just want to hear luck stories. And I'll tell you why. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, because I talked about it on on Vlad TV and I'm always worried that Kevin's gonna, someone's got no one enjoys going. Actually, Kevin, here's a fair and balanced piece that Bird did on you that you should check out. And he said some good things with some bad things.

They go, do you hear this motherfucker, Bird Criter? And he's like, I like Bird, and they're like, well, he doesn't like you. And that's my fear, right? But my thing is, Dane Cook said this to me one time. I go to his house, and I go, we play the guitar, we're hanging out, we go, so I think we saw Star Wars that night, and then I come back the next day.

And, but at his house, he was like, what the fuck's the point in this business? You bust your ass ass and nothing happens. Nothing fucking happens. I show up, I do two spots every night. I'm on two shows, I'm killing it. I'm literally hustling as hard as I can. I'm writing scripts, I'm writing projects,

I have TV pitches, I'm online, I'm all, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, this. But then the next day I go to his house and he goes, I just got cast in a movie in China. And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, that's what I love about this business. It's like a lottery ticket. Every day's like a lottery ticket. And I went, that's what I love about the business. Every day's like a lottery ticket. Some are a slower build, you know, than others.

But like, I'll tell you right now, and I'm wholeheartedly is that, and I know Tommy's thinking this, this slow build of a lottery ticket that we didn't know podcasting would turn into this. God bless the Lord Himself for allowing us the opportunity to do these podcasts, because in a time like this, when Tommy's in the hospital, and we God. And we still have income and we can still this year. But if we didn't have podcasting, we all of us can't work. We cannot work. And a lot of that's luck that we got in the podcast. Well, I mean,

I don't want to I don't want to be an ass kiss, but it's also I think thank Joe Rogan. That's Joe Rogan. And don't get me, we, Tom and I broke this down. We broke down the butterfly effect of had Tom left with Charlie Murphy at that show at the celebrity center that we wouldn't be here today. It's wild. Because Joe just goes, hey, wait a second and Tom stopped. I think of shit like that. That's where my head gets caught up. And that's where I get to bring this full circle.

That's what's fucking me up about what happened to Tom. Oh, all right. You're gonna make me cry for like a fifth time on the show? Is I go, what if I just said, I keep thinking this. What if I just said, hey, we got it. There was the last thing we were doing. Yeah.

What if I just said like, hey, we got it. Don was the last thing we were doing. What if I just said, like, hey, we got it. Don't kill yourself, man. Like, you know what I've said this to people before. I wanted to say this to Tom that day and I didn't. I didn't and you will see the footage near Zeeve and you are going to go, oh, bird is really right. I'm not giving anything away, but I know from my television experience, on camera, 50% looks like 70% and on camera, you can't tell the difference between 70% and 100%. I know that. So like, I

sometimes when I'm doing stuff on camera, I don't push you this hard as I, because of my experience on travel channel watching people get hurt, I go, we're just filming this. I know what film looks like. I go, we're just filming this. I know what film looks like. I know that I'm not someone told me about professional golf. I was like, why I wanna play golf on TV? And they're like, just so you know, unless you are the best golfer in the world,

it's really boring. And by the way, if you're the best golf in the world, it's really boring. And they're like, so you don't need to go to 100% and I wish I had said that to Tommy, going, hey, just don't give it. He went so hard. You'll see the footage. He went so hard

So many times I can think of three times before the accident where I was like Hey, man, you I should have said You should slow it up and I didn't and then because I didn't I think of that sliding door of like now we're here Well, you have to understand though that my husband is... He's fucking excellent. Do you know what I mean? Like he doesn't do shit half-assed. He does it the best way he can.

He was going, he was willing to risk life and limb. He went hard. He went really. And, but that's the, so that's the end of the yang of his personality, right? The slow and steady guy. That's where the wild comes out. It's like shit like that. And you're like, all right, dude.

You know, you hope it goes well. Unfortunately, it didn't this time. But I know that he was, but I know his motivation was pure, like to give a good show. You know what I mean? Like to give a good thing. He was doing a good thing. There's a little bit of what I think? Like to give a good thing. He was doing a good thing. There is a little bit of what I think what happened here that added to it. I'm not certain. I've heard stories and we'll hear on all

New Year's Eve on our live show. Go to ymhstudios.com slash live stream. We are, I don't know, our tickets on sale yet. They will be when this episode comes out and for anyone that's wondering, we will be playing the injury on YMH, but it's going to premiere on two bears live first. So get your tickets at YMHstudios.com slash live stream and hang out with us for years. Um, I will tell you, uh, I will say, uh, it that that sliding door effect has been fucking me up because I keep thinking of all the lucky things and then when you see something unlucky, you're like,

oh. I mean, no, had I just, well then you see accidents. You've ever been on the freeway and I, one time I saw a car flip right in front of me and you're like, if I had left the house five seconds earlier, I would be maybe that person. You know, and that's just, that's just how it goes. It's terrible.

But you know what, here's what's the good thing, right? Is that he's in a good place. He's gonna get the best care. And now you guys aren't moving to Austin. Okay. Well, and I'm off the hook for beaches for like- For a long time, for at least a year. Yeah, which is pretty great.

But I can't wait till we- I can't- this near show is gonna be so much fun because I can't wait till everything's out. And we can really just- I want to see pictures, I want to see X-rays. Oh, I've been taking pictures just so you know along the way. He doesn't know this, but in the hospital, like I take pictures of X-rays. Oh, I've been taking pictures just so you know, along the way, he doesn't know this. But in the hospital, I take pictures of when we moved, like there's, I have a chronology, I have it in my phone. I have a few guys,

of you and Lindsay lifting him into the ambulance, I have everything. I have a video, I shot, I'll send it to you. I have a video I shot of me and him in the medical transcript. But don't tell him because I've been doing this kind of on the deal. He has been just for the record. He has not been a video guy during this period. No, no. What I mean, yeah. Lindsay was like, Lindsay said to me, he goes,

if it was you, we'd have so much fucking footage. I know. You are so good at that. You record every fucking minute of your life. I will. I know. Is that good annoying? No. You're just used to it by now.

I found out that I pieced one in one together. When I would scuba dive for travel channel, I would have panic attacks, but if I played with the camera, my panic attacks would go away. That makes so much sense. So sometimes when I need a little lift me up, I pull my phone out and I do a,

by the way, I'm sorry that I'm revealing this, I do an Insta story, and it reminds me of how grateful I am and how lucky I am and I all the sudden tap out of my bad mood this morning, had a big fight, I talked to you about it in there. Yes, yeah. Big thing going on and I was really bad and I got on the treadmill and I got off the treadmill

and I was in 100% by new I was coming here and I needed to and I picked up my phone and I did an Insta story talking about how many miles I've run this year. And I also, I was like, I'm in a better mood. It pulls me out of it. I am off Twitter replying to people.

I'm not reading anything. I have hired someone to go through my Twitter, send me all stuff that's positive. And then I just repost it in comment. That's it. I don't want anything bad. And so, an Instagram, Osgroal Puerto Ricans getting haircuts all day long so an Instagram, I'll scroll Puerto Ricans getting haircuts

all day long. What? I'm obsessed with Puerto Ricans getting haircuts. Is this on Reels or just regular Instagram? Oh, Puerto Ricans getting haircuts. For whatever fucking reason, it is like, it's like, especially if they're super shaggy and they're like, they're like, bangs are down like Wolfman.

I'm gonna look into this. I'll start sending to you. Please do, please do. I get obsessed with it, obsessed with it. And by watching them at least from dude get a beer chave, come the fuck on. That's your thing. Oh, I don't, for whatever reason,

hair coming and grooming, I can just watch that all day long. I can watch cats and dogs doing funny things. I just love animals doing funny things. Anthropomorphic. Dog doing a person thing. God, that makes me so fucking happy. All right, I'm gonna, when I find that,

I'll send that to you and I, because that's Iowa's sweet spot. Aww. That's Iowa's power. We should probably wrap up. This is the longest two bears won cable we've ever done. Really? And this is why it's not me and push doing this show,

because we would just, by the way, you know we could go for another fucking three hours. I know. We should have just done two episodes today. We'll be back next week. Well, let's get drinks next time you wanna do a drink. I'm sober this month. Oh, fuck.

I'm gonna live. I wanna live. After watching Tom Not, almost live, I want to do, I kept thinking, if that was me, the doctor would be like, you have high blood pressure. All right. It's making me more nihilistic. I've got to knock my tooth out and shit.

I'm like, let's fucking party. Like I want a party because I've been so depressed. This year. Why don't you and Liam come in at midnight, New Year's Eve. And why don't you come in right before midnight? We'll show you guys. Do you guys blow jobs and be like, is this helliann doesn't?

Oh my God. Let's do this. Yeah, let's do this. What we'll do? I know this is a crazy idea But we'll do the show like this right and then you guys get under the table and we'll have to guess which ones Leanne and which ones This year all you got to do is go to YMA studios backslash live stream and that's it Bird time time and bird one goes top and swath the other, wears a shirt

Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, two bears one cake No scripts to bet a booze amateur for topology Dirty jokes, rancher humor, no apologies Here's what we call Dirty jokes, ranching him or no apologies. Here's what we're gonna do.