2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 62 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Dr. Drew & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 28, 2020

Are you ready to party with the bears this New Years Eve? Head over to https://ymhstudios.com/livestream and get your tickets now! SPONSORS: - Get your first visit absolutely free at https://ForHims.com/bears Dr. Drew Pinsky fills in for Tom Segura and hangs out with Bert Kreischer as guest-bear on 2 Bears 1 Cave this week! They give Tom a call to check in on how he's doing, Bert confesses to lying to his therapist, and they give a call to a guy that texted Bert as a wrong number... Brandon seems pretty cool! Bert then reveals he had a full blood panel done and comes up with a game for Dr. Drew: guess how healthy I am? Before hearing the results, do you think Bert falls into the "healthy" or "unhealthy" category?

I love when older black women give me advice. For whatever reason, it resonates better. I'm certain that's racist. But for whatever reason, when an older black woman says something to me, it holds more weight. I think it's the timing, the pace of my nose. From now on, I'm going to get some friends of mine to talk to you instead of me because I can't get you to do shit. 100%

I could run my business so fucking easy. If I just show, like this way I live my life through. Yeah. I live my life like, what would I want? Yeah, I do. Which is fucked up when you have semi-addict behavior. Semi, semi. Semi, you have anxiety disorder.

Keep going. Bro, it is so bad. So finish your thought. I wanna, you also have ADDs. It's like, it's like, all these people that go, I'd bake everything goes through Apple Pay. So finish your thought. I wanna, you also have VDDs. It's like, it's like all these people that go, I'd bake everything goes through Apple Pay. Yeah, Apple Pay. I, let me tell you something,

if you got a product, send it my way. If you have Apple Pay, I'll buy it just off impulse. Right. By the way, I should just market to addicts because I double click, you know I bought three access from my daughter. I finished your I-1. I just bought four,

rose-gold I-1s. Go to Dr.Rudy.com, Defeat. You finished your I1. I just bought four, rose gold I1s. Go to Dr. Ritter.com, Defeat.com, I'm size I1. They're fucking amazing. I just hose down the whole thing with the whole server, but like I have every, what's it?

Don't let it get in your eye, though. I have to die. I have to escape. That's all. It's just really good for surf. What's the thing when they put things right by the register impulse box? Yeah, yeah.

Browl, I'm an impulse buyer. Yeah. like that's the I should for our energy drinks. You doing those all the time Yeah, I have bought so many. Oh, hey guys. New two bears won came Our guest host. Hey, Dr. Drew glad to be here. Dr. Drew considering that I'm the healthiest Member of your mom's house. Yeah, I'm gonna say what do you think? Why am I here? Because everyone's dead. Can you believe that? You know what it is? You know what I believe that? I was the first thing I said,

what the fuck were bird and Tom up to? Oh, it's man, that poor guy. He said to me last night on the phone, dejected, coming off pain pills, going through a real dark time. So he's like, It really fucked me up Not to relive this moment and beat a dead horse, but it fucked me up because it happened like that Yeah, we were just fucking around. Yeah, we were just playing basketball

We were having fun. We were giggling and then all of a sudden like legit tragedy struck like that and the idea that the light the worst possible thing for somebody like you struck like that and the idea that was the worst possible thing for somebody like you. You already are anticipating catastrophes at every moment. At every moment and I didn't see this one coming and I heard it and I saw it. Oh no. And it fucked me up so bad. I mean literally I've been and I've stayed away from booze this month because of it. Because what happened was the second it happened I went home and I'd already said I'm not

going to drink in December until the live show happened I went home and I'd already said I'm not gonna drink in December until the live show and I go Home and I call push and realize lovey push, but realize she is not at capacity to deal with this like she is not Well, no one was dealing in reality at that moment. No one was dealing in reality because she calls me It says she wants to put him in a hotel and get a nurse. I'm like, go to the hospital. Yeah. Well, he was at the hospital. He signed himself out. And so he made it to the orthopedist. The orthopedist said, go to the hospital.

Go to the fucking hospital. And so, you know, people would just die back in the day with this kind of injury. Oh, you know, I mean. Oh, yeah. Oh, if this, if this was 1975, I think he would be dead. No, not in 1965, but 1890, he definitely would be dead. No, not in 1995, but 1890. He definitely would be.

1960, he's dead. Possibly. Yeah, 1960. And he's a gimp for the rest of his life. Yo, for sure. He's like got a wooden crack. And he's today's pay-bomb. No, he's going to be a pay-bomb.

He's going to get one of those plywood wheels, plywood boards with wheels. I'll push it himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, roll on these. I'm already setting the bar low for his fans when he goes back on tour in fall 2021. I think that's one more I'll be allowed to go fucking tour again. Yeah, he does. He will have a baby hand like a little like a little but help put it in his

act and he was like and then we then Ellis was like grabs on what if they told him about his rehab. I don't know. I really don't I'm joking and I don't know. All right. But a guy did say did say I Was so much I have so much how I I hide secrets in my head hoping they never come true because I overthink things What I overthink things you're kidding. Yeah, so like hypothetically said let's say someone broke their humerus and half Yeah, and they hypothetically say their best friend saw that it was spun 700 degrees

and then retwisted it back so it was normal. Would that affect someone's hand for the rest of their lives? You tried to set the bone in the field? I wouldn't say set it. I just made it so that we weren't all gonna throw up. So his arm was like backwards like this. This was like this. It was, what's it called?

It was, it was a Cleveland baseball team burn. Right. But he almost, he broke it enough that it almost broke through the skin. It was called compound fracture. Okay, it was a close-up compound. Inside the arm. Yeah.

But his arm was so that, imagine if he was like, what time is it? And he was like, what time is it? And he was like, let's spin my wrist 360 degrees, and we'll see now, and he spun it, and then he was like, that's not enough, one more time. And spun it again. And then it back. Well, the video's gonna come out.

I'm sure someone shot the video. You spun it back? Very quickly, and very delicately, I just went, ooh, we don't want that like that, and I turned it around. That's okay. You might have actually helped because. Oh my God.

It's almost panic that I turned Tom into a baby and look, no idea. It has been the biggest fear. I keep going. Okay, I'm sorry. So here's what the problem is, then when it's all twisted like that, you can cut off the blood supply

and you can damage the nerve, right? Now you restored the blood supply by sending it back. I was thinking I was like, but you did put the nerve at risk possibly, but I figured that, but I doubt I doubt you. That's what he said because I kept saying he'd leave the room to get an x-ray and I go, Hey, man, just out of curiosity.

I think I was like, I'm just cleaning up next door. And I'm like, I know, but you've been here a while. And I'm not a doctor and he goes, I'm not a doctor either. I was like, just out of curiosity, say my body's arms. I asked everyone. I asked everyone I asked Can you move his fingers the stuff now? Yeah, he can move his fingers, but he couldn't the day of oh, we of course Yeah, he couldn't the day of it. Who knows what's going on there?

But oh it's a panicking but he can he can do all these things and he can feel his hands stuff, right? Let's give him a call and find out. Okay. Oh I'm sure you know what you listen to me do it because if you guys okay, but no, we should know we should know and I can help I can help because the guy is the guy the guy told me they go to take time for an extra and the guy goes man he's gonna have a campaign and I know what and he goes you right hand or left hand and I said it's complicated he throws a baseball right hand and he writes the left hand and he goes is he a pitcher and I said no and he goes on and he a pitcher? And I said, no, and he goes, oh, and he's fucked. And I was like, what do you mean? Who said this?

This is fucking guy cleaning up. I put all my eggs in his basket. All right, let's get to him. Get him on the phone. Just really casually. We'll just don't like you go, you leave. I think he said, can you please spin my arm back around? But I may have written that in my head

to make myself feel better about it. You added that. I don't know. You added video. We will have video New Year's Eve on our live show, YMHStudios.LiveNet. YMHStudios.com slash live stream. Did they hear you?

Did you finish your order, by the way? What order? No, I haven't finished my order. Did Tom to help set you our balance? No, he does not. I haven't told him. OK, OK. Hello.

Hey, buddy, we're doing our live show. Hey, how's your hand doing? What do you mean? Like how's it like fingers moving okay? somewhat, I mean, not entirely, you know, okay, but that's to be expected, right? Yeah, I mean, it's a bruise radial nerve, so it'll take a while. Okay, good, good, good, good. Back on. I can't give you the thumbs up. Well, that's okay.

Can you, can you do this? Can you make the okay symbol that the racists make? Yeah, we're changing what we're going to do with both. And can you, can you put the pinky on the thumb together? Can we put the pinky in the thumb together? Well, I have this glove on right now. Okay. Anything with this glove.

Okay. Well, you know what? It'll be back for New Year's Eve. You can go. It won't be back by that. Okay. All right. Well, good.

I'm glad you're doing good. It's a load off my shirt. Birds worrying about you. I'm just worrying about you. Yeah. No, it'll come back with time. Okay. Good. Good. And if not, we'll come back with time. Okay, good, good, good. And if not, we'll both go to rehab.

Hey, do you remember, can I tell you, can I tell you, the, hey, what are the odds Malini went to rehab before me, right? Getting that crazy. I want to take him out partying one night to show him how it's done. I don't think he, I think he's a closet. Like really like one of those, he's probably one of those hard core. Can I tell you, I wish I had a reality show called just before rehab and People hit me out and they're like man. I'm going to rehab tomorrow

Can we have one night where we blow it out of the water and I'm like that's what I'm here. They all do that Before me hey, well take my bed. Oh, can I tell you something ironic? Do you remember when I said what if we did a challenge this year and we saw how big we can get one arm and how small we can get the other arm? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm winning that show. Yeah. All right, Drew and I are really humming.

We're eight minutes and 35 seconds in. Okay, cool, man. All right, bye. All right, Tom. All right, so no one told them that they elacerated nerves. It's not elacerated nerves. Yeah, he actually told me that but he said there was

There was bruised he told me it's really probably stretched and and the stretching is worse when it's all out of position like that So again, you might have helped that's all that matters. You might have helped things so bird Restored blood supply and maybe got the nerve back in position quicker now it was risky blood supply and maybe got the nerve back in position quicker. Now it was risky because you could have made it worse, could have hit another bone and torn it and it was what? I was pretty attentive when I did it. I don't know how much setting of bones you've done. You will see, you will see.

I'm certain there's video of me spinning his arm around because I looked at it and I was like, I didn't look right and I was like, I think I'm gonna throw up. Oh, so bad. like, that didn't look right. And I was like, I think I'm gonna throw up. Oh, so bad. Here's, can I? So, so that happens.

And I have fucking severe panic attacks, like, as a result, as a result with PTSD. Yeah. There's stuff I can't talk about in life that I can't talk about in like, even to anyone that have. Why? Why? Why? Um, because I promised like, I don't know, I don't know, I can't wait.

Wait, wait, wait. I can't talk to my therapist about it. But like things that, why not? I can't, because I don't know, it's a long story. Okay, but it's a huge mistake to withhold stuff for your therapist. They can't only do so much of your whole therapist. Is it bad to lie to him?

Bad. Right. But I don't understand what it is. How about misinterpret his information so it fits your agenda and then you feed that agenda to your family? Because I've been doing that also. I've been doing like using what the therapist says against your family. Like I'll take what he says and then I'll go yeah I kind of heard that but it fits better

if I say it this way. Yeah, yeah. And then you use that for the answer family. Yeah. And then don't does that. I kind of heard that, but it fits better if I say it this way. Yeah, yeah, and then you use that with your answer family. Yeah, and then, don't do that. Anyway, let's go back to this. Wait. I won't say it, I'm gonna forget my thought. All right, I need to remember my thought. All right, okay, oh, I got my thought.

Okay, go. So I go, I go full panic mode, and I talk to push, and I said, I fucking just wanna drink. This is the night of, I just wanna drink and I know that's not healthy. She goes, Bert, have a beer, relax, have a comeover and have a glass of wine with me and then we'll help get to them into the bed.

And here's what's different about my brain, is my brain goes, that's not when we drink the guy. Like I know that the impulse to tap out and get the fuck away from reality is there, but my brain goes, that's, we're not allowed to do that. And then my brain's like, and we're not allowed to do that for a while, because we know where we are. And we know that this is, it's like working out.

It's like getting on the treadmill and hating running and going, but yeah, but I still have to do this for 30 more minutes. Yes, you have, you have, that's your frontal lobes functioning. Yeah, you have functioning, still functioning frontal lobes. So I go, all right. So I go down, we help push, we help yeah, I come home. Yeah, I did and again It's an impulse and by the way that must been horrible He must be in miserable pain and should should not have been home and all that in lean and such a cut

Dare you I'm gonna come to her you should have been there Drew. Uh-oh Tell me this isn't fun straight-up cut move. Uh-uh. We get Tom Tell me this isn't fucking straight up cut move. Uh-uh. We get Tom We carry Tom from his garage to his screening room. We're a very me and Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay's a twink fucking film guy. I I bought a lifting belt and everyone made fun of me And then we're like how are we getting there? I go oh I bought a lifting belt So I put a lifting belt on top. Yeah, I lift it up It's tough because his body doesn't have like definition So the belt just kept going up and up and up until it found enough fat to mushroom it.

And so that's a lie. But anyway, so I carry him into the screening room. I'm sweating. Push has a glass of wine and a handful of fucking grapes. And she's like, I don't know what to do. Lindsay's almost passed out from overexertion. Leanne's watching this. We get Tom.

Tom's in so much fucking pain. Yeah. His arm is not connected at the time. No, I know. And they didn't splint it right. They put the wrong splint on it. I'm sure. There's no right splitting something like that, by the way.

And so we lay him on the bed, and everyone takes a moment to assess. And Tom is almost tears in his eyes like oh like what the fuck This was supposed to be a fun event meaning the the original day everything day We're not supposed to end up on this couch with four people standing around me and it's silent and land just goes Well, this is gonna suck for a long time And he looks at and he goes what she honey, this is going to be real bad for like a year. And we're like, hey, who the fuck? What's scripture you're reading from?

This isn't like this. You don't need that. No one needs that. She goes, well, no one's saying it. I'm gonna say it. He's going to gain weight too. You're going to gain a lot of weight. You need to push his hand and fucking muffins with Nutella on it

Wow and did she back off at all that she and she apologized what do you want me to lie? You will woman lie. I see Gator in the water. I tell you I see Gator in quality. She's more honest with you. I think she fucking I like her honesty I like that. Oh, I don't oh, I don't like her honesty at all. Oh, I do her honesty, I like that. Oh, I don't, oh, I don't like her honesty at all. Oh, I do. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Pathetic failure, right? She's not really appreciating what the impact of her words are. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's not counting. Stop it.

Oh, I have so much. I could share the first. I'll tell you the first. I still want to know what you're not telling your therapist. Hang on, we're going to do this. We're going to, but when I first went on a date with Leanne, I was in a play. I would be dating from less than four months.

I was in a play. I'm in my first play. I'd never been in a play. I'm not repaying from less than four months. I was in a play. I'm in my first play. I'd never been in a play. I'm not even a really great actor. Like I'm better now, because I used to think about acting. Yeah. I'd just go, oh, it's like a reality show we just talk. Yeah, yeah.

And so, isn't that funny how reality's become the measure of acting? It is. I'm such a good actor now. Like I said, a Rosario Dawson, I'm not an actor. And she goes, you just hosted an entire series where you read the words and you read everything. And I went, yeah, she goes, yeah, that's acting honey. And I was like, no, it's not. It's just me. Toasting. That's hosting. She goes, yeah, but you're reading someone else's words and making it look like you're not reading anything.

That's called acting. And I went, yeah. So I'm in a play. I'm very proud of myself. Hilarious. By the way, this this this is the funniest. We wrote a play about four guys who moved to Coco Beach to watch shuttle launches. That's they're gonna graduate college and just have the shuttle launch party. It's funny. And they do it during the time that NASA should kind of shuts down and and they don't don't have any shuttle launches. And then the first time they have a shuttle launch, they're all about to move out and then they finally there's a shuttle launch and the day they have a shuttle launch they're all about to move out and then they finally there's a shuttle launch and the day

They have a shuttle launch they accidentally break in to go get close and they cause an explosion and the shuttle explodes and drew drew Our play premiered premiered the opening night was the day the shuttle exploded. Oh The day I'm I wish I could call my friend but he committed suicide So I can't yeah was yeah, yeah, yeah But not because of the play but just because because he was partying I think but it the day The shuttle launch the challenger. No, no, not challenger the other one the one that you was coming in and the title Oh, yeah, yeah, that explodes our play comes out and we're like what do we do? And we're like well, I think you know the show must go on and we're like it's kind of bad taste

Oh to do a play about the shuttle exploding, the day the shuttle explodes. Anyway, we do the play and no one shows up, except for a film critic, the LA film critic. If you could find that, I wish I'd remember the name of the play. You know, this ought to be a new reality show where we actually go down to SpaceX and actually do this.

I got offered to go to space one time. And I was like, I gotta take it, right? Yeah, I don't know. You get the vaccine, you gotta take it. It's gonna take it. We're all the dice sometimes. Anyway, I get done the first opening night, I'm a mom and I feel good.

I'm not drinking at the time also, I don't think. And I get in the car and I go, so what did you think? And she goes, you sucked. I went,? And she goes, I, you sucked. I went, what? She goes, you don't listen. Like, you just are like big and loud and I'm like, hold on, I go, you just could have said,

you were great, I don't need any of that. You were dating how long at this point? I've four months maybe. Oh my God. And I'm like, you could have just said, like, you did great. She goes, well, I'm, I'm not supposed to laugh. And I went, well, yeah, you know,

you can just not hurt your feelings. Yeah, what did she say to your kid now? How did Santa Claus, how was that? That was bad. Well, I think I actually talked about that on push. So what is he gonna get to? But there was something you wanted to get to. And I still want to, why you couldn't say something

about your favorite thing? I want to play a game called, I'm gonna give you my test results because I just got a full blood panel. Can you tell me if I'm lying or if they're real? Okay. Okay. And then, uh...

...nudov. Alright, so, and then we're talking about Santa Claus. So, I didn't tell the girls Santa was real, was fake until like George was in eighth grade. Which is really late. And and and land played all the way along. Oh yeah. She lied. Oh, we both thought she does lie about certain.

Oh yeah, yeah. Santa played what it works for. Um, yeah, when it works for her. She's, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like because she had a shitty childhood. Yeah, with her mom that she only knows to like like my sister does something where she'll go Like she'll call you up. You know how you doing. She's like dad's got to coronavirus and you're like what? She's like I'm just fucking with you and you're like hey, don't ever do that. Yeah, yeah, that's not fun

No one enjoys that. Yeah, how you doing? Oh, I am AIDS what yeah, no, I'm just kidding like you're like that's not a joke Like there's no humor involved in this. Yes, so I think because Liam's childhood was rough, she appreciates hurting you, like taking you down a notch. And I don't think she even knows she's doing it. She had no she's doing it. She had no she's doing it. Yeah, yeah. She said something one time.

This is the empathic failure part. But yeah, but now it's beneficial at times because I do my special secret time. I do two tapings on one night. And because of this, I changed it. I ended up doing four tapings, but it's two tapings. And I. And because of this, I changed it, and I ended up doing four tapings. But I did two tapings, and I said to Leanne, I gave her a no pad and I go,

hey, because I know she'll be, that's the one good thing is I know she never lies to me. Yeah. So I go, here's a pad, right down, anytime I flub a line, write it down, so I can pick it up in the second show. Yeah, yeah. She's like, okay, so I go and I have a really bad first show.

Anyone with this film is in the truck show for the first taping nose. I actually kind of bombed. I kind of bombed. I was all over the map. And I go to the green room. And everyone in Hollywood's like, everyone is like, so we got it.

We got a good one. It's like, it's 90%. Dude, we got a few pickups. And I know my bomb. My buddy Tony Hernandez, who's producing it, he knows I've grown up with Tony. Yeah. He knows I bombed.

And he's not telling. He's not saying anything. But he's like, he's like, he's like, we're our way. He's like, he's trying to think of fixes, but he's not coming up with it yet. And then Leanne walks in the green room. I go, what do you think? She goes, well, I don't know where to start. That sucked.

And everyone's like, hey, Leanne, we're, and she's like, no, you better have a good show next show. Because, honey, you did not get it. And then she shows me your paper, she goes, I mean, this thing's full of fucking things. And I'm like, I got it, Leanne. And then my buddy, Tony, was like, I have the same thing with one of my,

I find myself saying, do you understand how talent's supposed to be managed? Yeah. You got to manage talent. You know, just, just, there's the bulliest. I said to her, I said, you know, I, there are, there are mean things I could say to you. Like, I could go, like, I would never say it.

See, I would never say it because I don't even think it. Like, she'd take a writing class at UCLA over the pandemic. Yeah. And, and I, a, a, a, a, a, a, a part if it was flipped around, she would go, well, what the fuck you do I want to college for? You, you dropped out. You ain't gonna be a writer. And I would never say that she would go, well, what the fuck you do I want to college for? You dropped out. You ain't gonna be a writer,

and I would never say that, because I go, I think you're a curger. I go, I wanna see where this goes. Yeah, let me tell you something, who writing is fucking awesome, but if it was flipped around, I feel like she would have been like, you ain't going to school, you're already busy.

Like, that's how she treated it, but I go look at it and I'm like, oh, do that, that would be cool. I can't wait to read what you wrote. Like why, can't I be married to that sometimes, or it's like, I was like, oh I can't wait to see, but somebody said positive.

I had an idea, I had an idea that I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna end up selling as a TV show. And it was a fucking stupid idea. Like I've had a lot of stupid ideas. Yeah. Fat astronauts, stupid fucking idea. Well, secret time, Tom and I might make that movie Like I've had dumb ideas where I go like but I told everyone this you know yard crashers bath crashers

How like the TV show on DIY networks? I really don't yeah It's a series where they if you're working on your yard. They think they they surprise you I see home Depot. Yeah, and they go you're in the yard stuff you work on your yard and they're like air back your yards fuck and they're like how about we do it for you and they're like okay and I pitched a show in I mean I'm joking to DIY networks the president called moat crashers moat crashers yeah I was like every man's house is this castle every castle needs a moat you go to home Depot find some guy in there like hey man you build a moat and the guy's like No, and you like do you want one and you know one asshole's like I'll take a fucking mode one asshole build him

I'll take you by the way. I'll take a moat in a heartbeat right I have a friend that didn't put a motor as house And he's a contract you gotta talk to the guy and to go to his house and like do a little interview with him if you do this show Secret time I'm building a moat. Yeah, I'm building a moat and I'm spending through the fucking nose for it And I'm gonna just say it's a koi pond, but it's gonna be a moat with a fucking bridge. I can't fucking wait Like why wouldn't you want goddamn moat like I have a full drawbridge where you're like Yeah, so let's get to the point of this conversation. Your labs? No, no, we'll do that.

Should we do that now or should we get to that? Yeah, you know what? Let's, I'll lead into that. Okay. Okay. So, I have all this panic attack about time. Yeah, yeah. I get a, I have a meeting with my cardiologist

that I've been dodging. Shout out to Rich Wallace. I've been dodging this because I don't want it at my CDs, can. I'm like, they're, I don't want it my CDs can. I'm like, I don't see your calcium scan. Yeah, where you go? Calcium score, yeah, yeah.

Did you get it? I got it. And? Well, we're gonna play the game in a second. Oh boy. So, so I don't want that because I know what's gonna happen is I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna get my calcium score and they're gonna go, okay, it's not bad.

It's a medium, yeah, I like my count. So what they say is under 400 is just lifestyle change. Over 400, they got to do. I'm using percentages. Oh yeah. You're getting me the scales. Okay, well I know my percentage. Yeah.

But, but they say, but that's what someone says to me and they're like anything over 400 is, they're gonna go in and have to do a stint or do some thing. They're likely to have trouble. Yeah, so that's what I'm fucking, I'm terrified. Then I'm gonna go in and have to do a stint or do something like that. They're likely to have trouble. Yeah. So that's what I'm fucking, I'm terrified that I'm gonna go in. And then I'm like, I'm all thinking it's preventative.

This is preventative. This is good. I love when older black women give me advice. For whatever reason, it resonates better. I'm certain that's racist. But for whatever reason, when an older black woman says something to me, it holds more weight. I think it's the timing The pace of it now on I'm gonna get some friends of mine to talk to you instead of me because I can't get you to do shit

Oh, I don't listen to white guys at all. So all that privilege. Yeah, so okay older black woman first time I get it a CT scan. Yeah, first time you've had multiple I've had about one five years ago. I Go she sees it my face. I she goes what's, five years ago. I go, she sees it in my face. She goes, what's wrong? I say, I don't wanna be here. She's got a pen and paper. It's back when you get touch people and stuff. She puts it down, she looks at me, she goes, honey.

It is better. She goes, the fact that you walked through those doors means you won't be rolled through those doors. And she said, and no one wants to be rolled through those doors. So if you just did something good for your family and yourself, and I went, oh, now I hear that and it relaxes me. So I just been playing her thing in my head over and over and over again. Yeah, sure.

Let me pull up my test scores. All right. So I go in, I've been dodging it, then Tom gets this. I think I talked about it somewhere. Tom gets all his work done and I just watched. I know he didn't have an option. He's always pedic work. Just all of it from like, just let's get, like the way he took charge in a,

from a beta position, meaning like he was broken on, broken knee, but the way he just said, let's go, let's do this. Yeah, okay. Let's, like, he went in and they were like, do you drink? And he said, no. And I, I knew you it wasn't lying. And I would have lied.

Yeah. And he's like, do you smoke? And he goes, no. And they're like, okay, how much do you weigh? He's like, 235. And I'm like, is that real? Like, and then it grew a little bit. He's like 240.

But I was just like, the way he handled everything, you admired it. You admired it. And I said, I need to do that. You're a little bit. Yeah, good. So I said, he just, he moved forward. He moved forward.

So I say to myself, I'm not gonna push my CT scan, which I've been doing. I mean, you're pushing it. Okay, you got it. And, let me pull it up. I gotta go to my CS link, log in. My password is Herbie's boy. That's my go to.

I met a one girl and I said, I said, hey, what's your email? And she goes, it's a joke. And I went, what is it? She goes, herbie's gal 35. And I went, I'm not gonna email you. But I'm gonna switch all my passwords to herpes gal. Okay.

Okay. So, comprehensive metabolic panel is the one we go to. All right, CMP. But first off, okay. Let's start with my CT scan. Okay. Now, full panic mode. Yeah.

Don't want to be there. Right. Percentage-wise, my lifestyle, where do you think I registered? 10 to 20 in that zone. 10 to 20. What would you say if I said it was zero? I would believe it. Boo-yap, bitches, Mickey Manel, Jean.

I was more shocked than my cardiologist. Yeah. Let me point out to you that alcoholics don't get heart disease. Nice. Why? We don't really know. We don't really know. They don't really know.

There's theories about what it does, the metabolism and things. But if you notice, alcoholics, they die, don't die of heart attacks. Not unless they smoke. Not unless they smoke. So fucking awesome. Yeah. So got your kind of some protective effect there. So I might be all the estrogen

because you build up a bunch of estrogen when you're with that one's going on with my tits. And that's what's going on with them because you know what I started doing dips and pushups because I was like my tits are like a little femalely. A little, a little, like there's a bud there, huh? Yeah, like a little, like some of it's just fat. It's a lot of it's fat.

And then the other is alcohol. Alcohol will do that. So we get, okay, keep going. So zero percent. So I'm, so all of a sudden bad. And then the other is alcohol. I'll call it, we'll do that. So, we get, okay, keep going. So zero percent. So all of a sudden, I'm like, I went from. Congratulations, that's good. Thank you, yeah. That's actually highly predictive and very good.

Okay, let's also just say good, but I'm not saying I'm predictive. Well, no, it's like, I, my question, why do you have a cardiologist? Because my parent, my dad's dad, my mom's dad both died of strokes. My dad had blockage in his widow maker and the CT scan saved his life.

Okay, and strokes have nothing to do with cardiology. Well, great. You can if you have, you know, a valve you'll disease something. All right, so anyway, it's your, you're just gonna be, because of family history, you're gonna follow along. Okay, so now,

now the really important one that we wanna judge, this is the one we always worry about. AST and ALT, yes. Okay, now what we're gonna do is, I'm gonna read past your liver enzymes. and we always worry about AST and ALT. Yeah, yes. Okay. Now, what we're gonna do is I'm gonna read Pastor Liver and Simes. Can you wait? And these days, one of the leading causes of a cirrhosis

is actually not alcohol-giver disease, but fatty liver disease. Yeah, that's what he said that people getting cirrhosis that don't even drink fatty liver disease. Yeah, from weight excess, having a lot of these days. I have had fatty liver in the past. And okay, keep going.

Well, we don't know whether that's weight or alcohol or both. He thinks it's weight because I've never had it before and I ballooned up to, which I said my heaviest was 256. Yeah. He was like, no, it's not. And I was like, what? And he goes, you remember the one time you came in,

you said, I just don't want to know anything. And I went, yeah, he goes, you were 260. I said, are you fucking serious? He goes, yeah. I was like, oh, I was 260. That was the last time I was in. And he was like, yeah, and I was really concerned because I could tell on the sonogram that you had fatty liver.

And he goes, and if your numbers didn't drop, I wanted to go in and get, I wanted to get a full fucking scan of your liver and see how you can tell me how I that got or exactly part of the last results. Okay, past results. Okay, ALT, past results, my highest being being an 86. Not too bad. Okay. And the AST. Yeah, AST. AST?

AST when it was an 86 was, I just lost 86. Where the fuck did I see? Oh, the AST at that time was 63. All right. So these are not directly correlated with seriousness of liver disease, right? They're just sort of a sign that we did look further into your liver as much. If it were 500, 800,000, well, now we got a problem. Then we have to look, figure that out.

Oh, it's interesting. But this is more like, Hey, it's not normal liver function. What's going on there? He was like, that's what he said. He goes, he goes, that's, I'm concerned. Yeah. And he goes, uh, when this was the last time when I was 260 and he goes, he goes, you're, he actually said,

he looked at me and he goes, you know how this ends, right? And I went, no, and he goes, not good. He goes, I got clients that you know that are big partiers and he goes, it doesn't end well. He goes, you don't want to be on that side. And I went, I was like, who? And he goes, I can't tell you who. So he goes, so he goes, it doesn't end well. He goes, you don't want to be on that side. And I went, I was like, who? And he goes, I can't tell you who. So he goes, so he goes, listen, I'm gonna,

like I'll give you a year, but you gotta, you gotta try to get healthy. He's like low carbs, avocados, coffee with no cream. Yeah, like this all the, you can actually use a little heavy cream if you want. Yeah, you can try that, right? Well, I've been doing that, because I can't fucking do black coffee.

Yeah. I've been a black coffee guy my whole life and for whatever reason, Leanne sort of put in've been doing that because I can't fucking do black coffee. I've been a black coffee guy my whole Life and for whatever reason, Leanne sort of put in cream in it. Now I can't so I suspect in your cases both the weight and the alcohol It's pretty well. He said he's when your wake goes up, it's your drinker more usually so so Just got my test results back all right, ALT. Yeah now the range you want to be a zero to 55 anything below 55 You're all good. Okay I'll give you a number you tell me if it's higher or lower than it. Okay. Yeah 30 higher 33 oh

I'm good, but I did expect you to be normal. I did expect it because you're doing better because I am doing better I'm working out like crazy. Yeah, and by the way, and you're not drinking. I mean, yeah Oh, I'm not drinking but that's one of them But you know I haven't drank out of this year. I've probably not drank about 150 days Yeah, but when you were on the road it was not good But that was only on the road for like fucking 70 days. Okay, so like it's been it's been oddly enough I didn't drink all of quarantine. You have to be careful you can you can

You can cross a line with your liver. You're saying that's what that's what he said He goes yeah, just cuz you can bring it back down every now and then doesn't mean it's gonna. Don't always happen right You're like you're like you got to make this a lifestyle. I've actually made it mom. I don't know I haven't made it a lifestyle yet because I haven't party yet So like I got to wait till I party and then come back. Because that's where the, I wish there was like a fucking alcoholics, not alcoholics anonymous. Moderate moderation. No, that's not work.

I heard that lady fucking ran her car into a tree. You should have. Yeah. Um, thank you. I wish there was an alcoholics will figure it out. You know, like, I'll be the, well, you could go listen, there is such a thing. You can just show up and go into no one's gonna want me at an a meeting being like Hey guys I'm back man that's where's a fucking blast I gained some weight but time to slim down am I right guys?

Well people good do go in and out a lot. I know this the Desirable you're right into a alcoholics anonymous meaning there are fucking buzz kills like some of them It's I went to one and I was like I just wanted to a alcoholics anonymous meaning there are fucking buzz kills. Like some of them. It's I went to one and I was like, I just wanted to lose weight. And the guy before me goes, though the guy's like, I'm with this guy, you guys can you know him.

He's like, he's a Wrangler. Yeah, he does like famous people. Yeah, yeah. And he's my neighbor and he's like, yeah, we should go. And he's like, it doesn't mean anything. Just go, here's something that helps you then it helps you. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, okay. So we get there and And he's like, it doesn't mean anything. Just go. And he hears something that helps you. Then it helps you. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, okay. So we get there. And there's going around. Everyone's saying, Hey, my name's not and whatever. My name's James

can't off any and no kidding. He's dead. Maybe I'm sure he went to one. And so he taps me and he goes, Hey, if you want, speak. And now you, he knows I love speaking. Right. Yeah. So I'm like, all right. I'm going to talk. And he's like, and he's like, you have to say, you know, my name's Bert. I'm an alcoholic. so I'm like all right I'm gonna talk and he's like and he's like you have to say you know my name's Burnham and alcoholic and I'm like I do that on stage don't worry I can figure it out So and I actually have a bit about it my name's bird. I like I have a bit that I was gonna see if I run a pi See if it gets any so he goes all right go and I go to stand up the guy goes um guy next to me goes um excuse me I'm gonna go real quick. I've had a rough day and I went okay and the guy next to me stands up me goes

Hi I'm gonna go real quick. I've had a rough day and I went, oh okay, and the guy next to me stands up and goes, Hi My name's blank. I'm a I'm a whatever. I'm an alcoholic Whoo, I have had a bad day. I just want to drink this morning I woke up and I sucked my landlords dick and then I let his car on fire and I went I can't follow that I'm sitting there going, oh I'm fucking should have talked before him this guy just killed it and Then he just goes in the detail about he's been sucking as I learned and everyone's on the edge of their seat going like How did you party when you fucking how did you act when you party? um now

a lt scores a st was Should be anywhere between, one of 55, zero of 55, AST should be anywhere between five and 34. Now, my past reading, we said my high reading was a 63, but we're not worried till 1,000. Where do you think I am? Let's just say 25 would be the medium range.

Where do you think I am? Higher. Okay. You're not that right. What would you say if I said 32? I am? Higher. You're not that right. What would you say if I said 32? I was thinking 34. I was just... 34?

It is. It's a 34. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you.

I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I told you I was talking to you. I because you got a lot of them. I said he's gonna get the right fucking numbers. Oh.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I just know where you're at. You know what? You know what? I've been trying to do healthy. And I just fucking murdered pasta last night. I can't help it.

I figure if I- You gotta cut the carbs, man. It's the carbs. The carbs are the end of me. It's me his carbs are killer. For certain people. For certain the carbs. The carbs are the end of the day. It's the carbs are killer. For certain people, they really, for me, I really enemy. My dad has a fatty liver and he doesn't really drink.

He's a thin guy. No, he's always been fat and is, but he goes, I think I'm better now, but he goes, it's just carbs for him. Yeah. And carbs, the able of approaching system can affect how the oxidized cholesterol is put into the arteries and things and that's all insulin-mediated.

Ruins unaffected. Uh-oh. All right, let's talk about, now let's talk about cholesterol. Oh, blood sugar. Oh, blood sugar. Where does that glucose? Yeah, you're a hundred. Oh, my God. You should work at a fucking carnival.

You should work at a fucking carnival. If you go in it. I'm a hundred on glucose. How the fuck- Hold on, did you, you went through my scores? No, I do, I do. He went through my, he can go into my scores, can't do.

The dove, we just came up with this on the ride over. I was talking to Tom. I know, God damn it. Okay, okay. Okay, I can't believe that, that is fucking good. I wanna get Leanne's number, see you. So now, I don't know her stuff as well. So now we got, so I'm not gonna find,

I'm not gonna find, you can find your cholesterol. It's not gonna be in here, correct? It is. And I just say lipid, lipid panel. It's a lipid panel, yeah. Ananiyung gap. I got the one for cancer too. Which cancer?

For anal, not anal cancer. Oh PSA. PSA, I got that one. We're like a one or a two or something there. I think below that point, second or something. Good for you. So it's just going to be your cholesterol. It's going to be like 220. It's not going to be that bad.

Hold on. Let's get lipid panel. Yeah. My lipid panel. Okay. Triglycerides. 175. No.

Oh, 52. Whoa. That's surprising. What does that mean? That's lower. What's your HDL? 60, 65. I'm sorry. Cholesterol, 203. What's your HDL? 60, 65. I'm sorry.

cholesterol, 203. Okay, that'd be 220, so good. It's been 220. Yeah, yeah. So he actually put me on lipid or... Oh, you're on lipid or? Because he said... No, you don't tell me that.

No, hold on, no, because it's been... So I'll get past results. It's always been up. It's always been 220. It's always been... And your LDL is probably 130 140 So I'll tell you right now my LDL Was now it's fine now now read. Oh, no, no, it's one one 48. That was the past. No, that's today your LDL is 148 on Lippertore

No, I haven't taken a lipid or yet. Oh, okay. That's why you're taking a lipid or, 148 and then my cholesterol is 203 my HDL is 45 Which is why? No, no, you want that to be higher. Oh really? Yeah, you usually you know a high HDL low track This rides a good thing. Okay, so you want that you want that LDL 100 So at my fattest at my fattest when I was my fattest my my cholesterol was 229. Yeah. My HDL was 47, and my LDL was 159. Yeah, that's like my numbers.

My, except I had triglycerides up too. So triglycerides are, what, there's something proteins in your heart or something? No, that's circulating fatty acids, but they're associated with trouble. Let's put it that way. And the raising the HDL lower in the triglycerides are more important than we used to think.

We used to be very focused on the LDL, which probably is important also. I take a half of my torn, just a little, like a path, and it's boom, so it begs my cholesterol. So I was told, this is what I was told. And when I got rid of carbs by HDL, what up my triglycerides went down. I've never, has my cholesterol been better than on a no carb diet. Yeah, my triglycerides are

good. They've been bad in the past. Oh, well, that makes sense. One, the high it when I didn't I say 175? You ready for this one? Yeah. What my fat is my triglycerides were two 96. Okay, that's better. That's more what I would expect. That's a zone I would expect you to be in. Okay. But with that's the fatty liver doing that. Is that's better. That's more what I would expect. That's a zone. I would expect you to be it. Okay, but With that's the fatty liver doing that is that? Okay, and so now they're down. It's 52 but so he put me on Lipitor because they've always my my cholesterol has always been around 220. Yeah, you gotta take some and and you gotta keep that cat

We got to keep that calcium score zero and that's the goal. He said he said you know And by the way, I am doing this so that you guys we should have told this at the beginning You guys should have your blood test scores sitting with us. So we can all go through them together And so but I heard that if you're on statins, which is the pector. Yeah, that it prevents strokes also. Yeah Dynamo on the lip and yeah, fuck out. I'll take lipitor even if I don't need it. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm on the lip and I'll take lip to work even if I don't need it. Yeah, right? Yeah, I I'm very sensitive to stuff and I got lots of side effects and I had to find it. Okay, so I was afraid I don't know the right way to save this okay, but I was I was erectile dysfunction I was exposed. I was exposed to someone who was exposed to someone with

Chrono virus. Yeah, yeah Seven days ago now, now, but I got tested four days, five days. And so I got tested tested, and that's right when I got my lipitor, and because of my brain, I was afraid to take lipitor, because I was afraid that my brain would take over, and I could work myself into being sick. Oh, I see. And so I was like, you know what, I'm going to wait until I work myself into being sick. Oh, I see. So I was like, I'm gonna wait until I'm out of the woods.

Yeah, yeah. 100%. And, but I'm, I got the lipitor. Now, they say you're supposed to take lipitor at night. Yeah. But you might, how much, what milligrams is it? 10. Okay, that's a low dose, good.

Yeah, good. 10. So I'll be on three sets of pills. I wanna get off all pills, but not really kind of. You're on blood pressure pills Yeah, and you know what I just found out you should take your blood pressure before you take your pills You should have a rate you have multiple readings that information was given to me by the same guy that told me Tom would have a Gimp hand

Dude I to I leaned so heavy on this guy that was just cleaning up what the hell I just he just was he was talking and no one was talking about that. He wasn't a black woman. No, he was no, he was a Mexican dude. And so he was just like to the funniest thing. I think we talked about this, but there was a woman who just broke Spanish and she was on a lot of pain. She was like two cabins next to us or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Tom's getting x-rays and I'm trying to hear what she's how and she's screaming and crying Like the most pain and I'm like what the fuck in there and this white woman's going we're calling We're calling the city's gonna know about this. This is a legal and she's losing her the nurse is losing her shit And I'm like I got to see what's going on right like and I was like this should be a game show

Like we're you hear what's going on in like and I was like this should be a game show like where you hear What's going on in the room next to you and then speaking in a different language? Yeah, you gotta try to translate yeah, and then Tom just comes back who speaks Spanish and he sits and he goes Whoa someone was attacked by a dog and I was like what he's like a lot of dogs. They're cleaning our wounds out I'm like fuck that's what's happening anyway Yeah, so so now to get to here this is where my brain is so I get my trident for this rights I get my CT scan. I get all my blood work and I go from Tragedy to strikes like that too. I'm actually gonna live forever. I'm super human and

Nothing touches this guy neither are true. I Actually think my dad goes, oh fuck, you got your grandma, my Nana. He goes, you got your Nana's jeans. I said what? Indestructible. Indestructible, the woman's 101. Yeah. And he goes, your mom's got him.

My mom, you can't kill that woman. Yeah. Like she is, you certainly been trying. Yeah, right? Yeah, you've been trying. I mean, can you imagine if I had never done anything, I would be probably like a movie star, probably. I'd be in like a movie star, probably. I'd be in perfect shape.

I mean, perfect shape. And I would just be like, like, Rogan would look up to me and be like, yes, god damn it man. Yeah, David Goggins, camhains would be like, you really are the machine. I would have never been in the machine though. So like, what, like if you juxtapose,

who we know birth to be now, which is so fucking awesome, right? Like if you look at me on paper, if you look at me on paper Quite top 10 most interesting people in the world In my life top 10 of my life. Let's be real Tom Siger is a very interesting person. I fucking shadow that guy like, he's like, oh, I moved around when I was a kid. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, went to a lot of different high schools. I had to make a lot of good different friends. I mean, like the things that Tom thinks make him interesting. Yeah. Oh, my mom's proving my dad was, no, no, he's not interesting. The way I am. The way you are, that's right.

I'm like, oh, and then I start going. In the way you are. So in a weird way, there's nobody interesting in the way you are.'s right. I'm like and then I start in the way you are you so in a weird way there's nobody interesting in the way You are that's really true now. It also is the way I shade my tails like I like to I like to like I'm not gonna like my You rely on your you play on your strengths. I play on my strengths. I'm a great storyteller But you didn't know that I but I knew I found that out when I was in ninth grade. Oh, I had to have that. I discovered that. Oh, no. Hold on. You discovered the machine.

Right. But it wasn't for you. It really honestly, if it was not for you, I brought, if it wasn't for you and the fact that I respected you and you said, this is your movie. This is your story. Like, this is something here. There's something here. Like, I don't bring people back to tell the same story. And I went, oh, yeah. I wouldn't be here. I really wouldn't something here. There's something here like this. I don't bring people back to tell the same story. And I went, oh yeah, I wouldn't be here.

I really wouldn't be here because I never would have, I never would have told that story. If that person I hadn't called in, I would have never told that story. Oh wow, crazy. I would have never told that story. I would love to hear the audio. I'm sure it's out there of me.

We have this guy named Giovanni that clicks all the love-lang classic stuff. I'm sure he's got it. I would love to hear the audio of me, we have this guy named Giovanni that clicks all the love line classic stuff. I'm sure he's got it. I would love to hear the audio of me of the person calling it. Yeah. And saying, can you type in the machine love line, but I bet it would be the second show that I told it

that someone would have grabbed it. But someone going, hey man. Probably both are out there, but what if we could actually track down that caller? I would love to. Like who is the guy, how are we, how we confirm it? But let me? I would love to. Like, who is the guy? How are we, how we confirm it? But let me, you were building to something with your labs,

you said. You wanted to build to some point by telling me your labs, having me guess your labs. We're here. Okay, okay. Is that I'm gonna look forever? And that Tom's probably gonna die young and there's nothing we can do about that.

When you look at like how soft his body is, right? Like what, and what it was happening is, I was watching this one moment where he got hurt in an instant and I went, of course, that's what happens to guys like Tom, you know? Like, I've been fucking just trying to destroy myself for years, but then I'm still year.

You're right, I mean, bears. What have happened to Tom if he had been living my lifestyle, right? Like, party and every night. Yeah, yeah. He'd be like, Blue Shea, he'd be dead in a fucking... Yeah, yeah. Not everyone can take that.

It's interesting. I look at Ron White kind of is like my, is like my, is like my, my Zeus, right? Yeah. Cause he, first of all, he doesn't have any anxiety. So the guy smokes and drinks, smokes weed, drinks tequila, he'll drink it tequila in the middle of the day and I go, that's impressive. Yeah. Like, I've actually built my, my...

You wish you could be like him. I look at the Ernest Hemingway, the grandity killed, I think you killed himself, right? We died of alcoholism as we were. Yeah, Ernest Hemingway, I wrote them down the other day. John Daly, John Daly is a fucking impressive individual. Mickey Mantle, these are all like, I wrote them down the other day.

Did I give you my list of people that are my heroes? No dog, no. Okay, Winston you my list of people that are my heroes? Nidav, no. Okay, Winston Churchill, this motherfucker would wake up. He'd have eggs, bacon, toast, little jam, little butter, some salsa water, some fruit juice, and a scotch Drew. First thing of the day. And a cigar. And a cigar.

First thing in the morning, Drew, first thing in the fucking morning. He'd have a scotch and a cigar. I watched that sober. Sober, like I'm not drinking this month, sober I watched that. And all I thought to myself was, I'm doing that. I'm doing that. I'm doing that one day.

One day on January 24th, on Winston Churchill, the day he died, I'm gonna celebrate life the way he lived his life. Oh, just one day a week. Just one day a year. One day a year. I sign up a week. Out of the year. Yeah, in one day. One day a week. I sign up on that. If you're not trying to be so abreast enough on that.

Like how great would it be to have a cigar in your bed? Yeah. Like I know it has a cigar in your bed. You're sleeping in an ass tree. What's gross? He had a cigar in his bed every morning. And then he would get in the bath, have his drink and a cigar,

and dictate to his fucking young, just be like, all right, tell him. I don't do a good Wednesday in charge. All right. Right. Tell him, tell him, there we all have a tag. That's a good one.

That's a good, that's a good one. Just watch. I'm obsessed with Wednesday in charge, y'all. Did my favorite Churchill reproduction was the John Lithgow scene within the queen, where he's getting dressed down by her. It just hit, there was such a point, you'd say anyone. Oh, wait, do you see the queen?

No, I haven't. What's the crown? The crown, I beg your pardon, the crown. It was the crown's the one where like Princess Diana's in it. That's the latest season, but the first season, it's all about Churchill. I love it. You should watch the first, through for episode, first.

There's something about, like, and I look, I think. Lithgow does an amazing Churchill. Amazing. Here's the thing that I fucked up on. Is like, there's a part of me that jokes about everything. And then there's a part of me that really, I really do think, I really think, left to my own devices.

Had I never been in Rolling Stone magazine or anything? If I just lived a life, I'd be someone who would be really fucking funny to be around. I think I'd be the guy. What would your job have been? Probably like selling boats or salesmen. Probably I would have been in sales but something cool, something you enjoyed. Something and I would have been in the guy that,

like none of my friends like have jobs where they are. And you'd entertain every day after work. Entertained and I'd be fucking larger than life. I'd be funnest fuck. I'd have, I would have had married a bimbo. I would have had like seven kids. Did you, did you know this about yourself all along? Or is this something you're now realizing?

No, no, no, I knew that I was, I knew that I, what I wanted out of life. I wanted like, I wanted it adventure, but within my parameters of it. Yeah. Like I probably, I was a different human being before I got into television. Television kind of fucked me up a little bit.

I didn't trust anybody. I got some bad interactions. I got involved by a bull and choked out. You know about the travel. The Hurtbert was, was effects and that kind of fucking made me scared, like really scared for the first time in my life, about life, about dying. So I got involved by a bull.

I almost got attacked by a shark. Like all that stuff kind of fucked me up a little bit. So they put you in bad situations. Really bad situations. So this is why I never trusted. And so got mulled by a bull on my sky, tacked by a shark, all that stuff. Kind of fucked me up a little bit. So they put you in bad situations. Really bad situations. So it's why I never trusted. And so all my times the travel channel, I never trusted. But.

Reasonably so. Sounds like. Yeah, well, yeah. I have like PTSD from that shit. And I know it sounds silly, but I can't sit in a roller coaster because I start freaking the fuck out. That was never who I was.

What happened in a roller coaster? I got stuck in one for like 45 minutes. They did that on purpose to you No at magic mountain Do you know the one where you're standing it and then the floor disappears and they pull you? Yeah, it's like the Superman or something or ninja ninja. We fucking do that thing Yeah, then we're out on the waiting waiting waiting. Yeah, it seems like we're for a while right? I'm strapped in I have cameras on me

Well, and it's and you're in like a cellophane, right? You got this weird thing you're lying on. And then they pull us into the thing, the floor kind of half comes up, then it comes up. And they're like, all right, guys, everyone relax. We're gonna be here for a while and I start having panic. But you're not upside down or something? Oh no, we're, yeah, we're staring at the ground.

We're flying still at the ground. And I go, how, I'm working at the time for travel channel. And I go, hey, can I talk to the lady in charge? She comes over, very sweet, lesbian woman, comes over, bigger woman. And she goes, we're gonna be fine. We're gonna get you out of here. And I said, how long are we looking?

She goes, I just called the operator. He's on his way. I went, okay, now I'm familiar with the park. I go, what ride is he at she goes he's not under the ride is that his house? I said, where is this house? She goes okay calm down. He lives in Ontario and I'm It's four o'clock it's four o'clock And I'm like oh my gosh she goes he's coming out and it's gonna be, and I go, can you just get me out real quick? And she goes, no, and I said, listen, I'm freaking out.

And I'm afraid I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, she's poor with this woman. I, if I, she ever hears this, knows this very well. She sat Chris Cross Apple sauce underneath me and held my hand. The whole fucking time. Wow. The whole time.

And I was like, I really appreciate that. She goes, calm down. You're the safest. And I was like, I really appreciate that she goes calm down. You're the safest. And she just walked me through all the things. If there's an earthquake, the only ones that are safe right now are you. You are built into a structure that is and starts going through all the saves that they've saved me. And I was like, okay, she goes, hey, if this gets really bad, I have a knife, I can start cutting out the webbings. I'll get you out of here. But let's save this. Let's say and like this woman fucking is like, where's that? If it was my wife, my wife would be sitting there, man, you're.

This is going to be really bad for all the fucking time. Or should we just shut up, hurt? Yeah. So. So what can't you tell your therapist and why? There's a lot I hide from him because we do it on Skype, and I'm afraid that people will log into my Skype and just air my therapies.

Yeah, so. So why don't you, and this is a new thing? Skype can always lie to him. Okay, and so what? I don't lie bad ways, but I just lie. I like, I don't lie, lie. But like, there's certain things I can't talk in. Why?

There's certain things, like, okay, I'll give you an example. I'll give you a perfect example that I can share because I know I'm in a safe place, I didn't know it. So I signed this deal one time and I only told Tom and Push, where the only people I told, and now granted the industry talks, right? By told Tom and Push, I told him exactly how much money I signed it for, and I ain't telling anyone else.

And then all of a sudden, Tom's agents all knew about my deal. Now granted, this deal was, I had three different offers from three different companies, and I chose one. So there were three different companies bidding on this deal and I chose one company So all the people know that I signed something like so it's not a secret But everyone's saying it's a secret and so I

Tell Tom and then and then my agents managers was like your boy Tom told everyone and I was like no, he didn't and I Wanted to work through that in my head now I can talk about it now because I know he I no, he didn't. And I wanted to work through that. In my head, now I can talk about it now, because I know he didn't. I really know he didn't. I wanted to work through that in therapy, but I couldn't. I couldn't because I was afraid

that if I talked about this in therapy, someone was stealing this footage. Yeah, you gotta get out of the Zoom thing. You gotta get in on- And so I just kept it inside me. And then Ling Ang goes, Hey, you should talk to Tom about this. I go, I can't.

And she goes, why? I said, I'm pot committed. I do this in life. What do I do? I'm pot committed. Pot committed. Pot committed is a gambling term. It means when you have more chips in there

that are worth, that are worth you getting out of it. Because if you lose, you're already out of the game anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She might as well put all your chips in. I'm pot committed. And I'm with, I'm pot committed with Tom. If Tom is a lying snake in the grass, it's cool, man. He's my best friend. I'm pot committed. And I'm with, I'm pot committed with Tom. If Tom is a lying snake in the grass, it's cool man, he's my best friend.

I'll take it. I've already committed to this guy. Like I love him too much. If he's, I just kind of love him and go, then that's my friend. Because I, because, and I ended up talking to him about it and he was like, you told me not to tell anyone. Tom's someone you can tell a secret.

See if he had told me, I probably would have told everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause that's who I am. But he knows who I am, so he never tells me a secret. Right, of course. So like, I'm pretty good. Like, if he had told me, I probably would have told everyone. Yeah, yeah. Cause that's who I am. But he knows who I am, so he never tells me a secret. Right, of course. You know, so like, I'm pretty good. Like Ari one time told me about,

oh no, Ari said, Ari told me, oh, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don, don, don, don, don, don, don't, don, don, don, don't, don't, don But in a car driving to Joe's podcast, I'm not even joking. 10 minutes after he told me the secret, I told the other two guys in front of Ari. Like I just, and he goes, I just told you there was a secret. And I was like, oh, no one was supposed to know. And he goes, that's how a secret fucking works. I go, yeah, but they should know. And he goes, no, I didn't want to tell them.

And then Joe's like, why would you do that? Norris like I Didn't want to deal with this right now and I was like, I'm really sorry and he goes I will never tell you another secret. He already one time wanted to go on a hike and he goes I have two good hikes ones like a secret path and I go oh tell me that one He goes I'm afraid you're gonna tell everyone the secret path and I go no I won't tell anyone and he goes you won't not even your wife. I go well I definitely tell her and he goes that's what a secret means you can't tell her and I go, no, I won't tell anyone. And he goes, you won't, not even your wife, I go, well, I definitely tell her.

And he goes, that's what a secret means. You can't tell her. And I go, oh bro, I'm gonna tell like my friends. And he goes, no! I would tell you, and you could never, and I go, so then I would only get to hike this path by myself. And he goes, I only hike it by myself, because I don't want people to know about it.

And I was gonna share it with you, hoping you wouldn't tell anyone. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna tell everyone, don't tell me about this path. Yeah. What's in your head comes out your mouth. Yeah. I'm an open book and it's bad.

No, no, you should, you're not, somebody should take a seat. Probably not healthy that I just share all my, my blood scores with the world. No, that's all right. Yeah, that's you, right? I just, here's my thing about health is I know that preemptive medicine, what is it know that preemptive medicine.

What is it called? Preventative medicine is the best way to live your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how, like, you know, you're indestructible. If I had one, like, I always think about you going, you said, it's the words, sometimes beautiful words catch me. They caught my cancer on the way to mecca and I went, huh? It's just the way you said it. You said, I my cancer on the way to mecca and I went, huh?

It's just the way you said it. You said I had, by the way, did you tell me this is a secret if you talked about this? Go ahead, whatever. Anything about my cancer is open. I fucking, see this was wrong with me. I just, someone will tell me a secret and I'll remember it so good and I want to share it because it's a beautiful way to say things. But you said that they caught your cancer on its way to Mecca. And I went, what do you mean? You go, man, if they hadn't caught that, I am gone.

And I went, really? And you're like, yeah, thank God. And all I think is, that thank God comes after for me, all the anxiety of having to go to the doctor. Yeah. All the anxiety of being like, I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want to go do this. I don't even want to know.

I'd rather not even know, and then, and I just think of that, I think of those that that old black lady saying, it's better you walk through and you go and they caught her on its way to Mecca. Did you say that or did I make that up? I might as well say something like that. What do you think you said? Because I remember on its way to Mecca, I don't know.

That does not sound like me. It does. It does sound like you. But the idea is that the tumor is on its way to escaping. And that's not good. That's not good. So it's all good to get it out early. I got to get it cold on the moss.

Yeah, I just had one Wednesday, at one last week. Really? Yeah. I talked to you. You got to do it. You never had one. I really bad with you. I have had two friends. Have you never had one. I talked to you. You got to do even have really bad with you. Never had I have had two friends get one. Have you never had one? Never have one. I get them every year. Oh yeah. It's a pain. Well, they say you're not supposed to get them until 50 time goes. They lowered that to 35. I was like, well, it wouldn't be a bad idea.

I started mine earlier. Yeah. I asked one of my I asked Tom. I got one. I hope you share this. I'm sharing everyone's secrets. Tom got a colonoscopy and he he said I Go so they put you under for that. I didn't realize that they're going up your ass for something And he's like you're awake for that What did you think it was I don't know what it was I didn't I don't even know what it is to be honest They can go this way or this way or both you probably get both I want it But yeah, I just this may have to get cut out speaking of secrets. Are you good with RE now?

Yeah, things are cool. Yeah, yeah. Although, I'll say this, I've really forgiven him for drugging me. I really have forgiven him. My wife has not. I can't share things, which really bums me out. I can't share things where I talk to RE about things,

but he really is a good, I mean this in the best way. He is a very broken dude in that, in that the way he sees the world is through Ari's lens, like he's not, you can explain other ways to see the world, but certain things don't make sense to him. And they never will. He's been a bachelor for so long that the only person he needs to make sure is taken care of every day is himself. Yeah. And himself and his dog, maybe his chick, but I think really him. Yeah.

And, and, and, and, and only that in a bad way. That's just how his brain works. It's fun to talk to that brain, because my brain is take care of everyone else first, and then take care of myself, not totally. But it's fun, but when you have a disagreement with Ari, I can't share it with my wife, because she doesn't like him. So she just goes, yeah, why are we talking about this human?

Women generally have more trouble letting go of things. Oh, they do. Once they get a resentment, it's on. Oh, especially. Yeah, and no, no, I'll remember that way. Well, a lot of them. And man, I'm like, No, no, you brought spokes.

Yeah, all women can't drive either. Keep going. I love broad strokes. I love broad strokes. I wish you could just say that. Like, all Japanese people eat humans. Like, yeah. That is from a book I read.

And that's why you shouldn't read books. Here's another question. If you were going to eat a human, like the Japanese, Japanese, Japanese. I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. Japan, Japanese. Japanese, all right.

Is it Japanese? Yeah, Japanese people from Japan, yeah. Japanese. And World War II, they ate tons of humans to survive. To survive. Now, I'm reading this book called The Flyboys. If you have any questions about these and you're going, Berthus is racist, you just gotta read a book, okay?

That's why I say you shouldn't read books. But they ate humans a lot. It was an issue. The colonels would eat the livers and they would would go hey, we're gonna go ask you that prisoner But when you do have to send a doctor. I want to them to pull out his liver And then we want to eat his liver and then they would eat his liver because I thought it helped them get stronger or whatever But here's the fucked up one and this is from a doctor's point of view. Yeah, so I've been really into Processing videos of dudes processing cows and elves. Yeah

Shout out to the beer butcher into processing videos of dudes processing cows and elves. Shout out to the beer butcher. So the Japanese soldiers, I say people, it's not people, it's Japanese soldiers. It's Japanese soldiers from World War II because they didn't want the meat to go bad. They would cut off an arm and then they'd eat that arm and they'd let that human stay alive, RPOW. And then they would come get him and then get the other arm. Oh my god. They didn't want the meat to go back But here's what I was thinking after watching them process a bunch of cows. Where would be the best part of the human to eat?

Legs and arms yeah legs, but like but like you know like a cow's got like Flat iron steaks and and flank steaks and ribs and things and ribs like, you know, like a cow's got like flat iron steaks and flank steaks and ribs. Like the ribs seem to be good. Would our ribs be good? Or I suppose. I don't know. I never thought about it.

But you've seen it side of human, right? I have, but you're taking me to a very strange place. I've never visited it. Like you've never operated on a human and then said, that looks tasty. No, I've not done that. I've never had that thought till this moment, which is kind of fun.

Thank you for giving me a new sort of challenge. Just next time you were with a Japanese doctor and he's cutting up a human to go, hey man, if this was 1942, be a different story. Did they do it to survive? Like they were out of the... No, the kernels did it.

And by the way, once again, this is why you shouldn't read. I didn't, I'm not a good reader, so I don't know if I'm reading all this properly, but the kernels were eating livers. The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the because the fucking emperor wasn't doing shit because he was a kid, I think. And he took charge of everything and we just sent soldiers to Guam or send soldiers to a place. Midway sent soldiers to Sipei and just go, yeah, I'm not sending any food. And these guys got there and they're like, oh, I guess we'll eat our shoes. And he's like, or each other. And so they would eat each other.

They would eat POWs. They would, they would just try to survive. I'm not shitting on these guys. But what's crazy is some of them were from America. They were from America. And they'd gone back to Japan. Like one dude was from Hawaii. He went back to Japan.

And then he was like the only one that spoke English. And he's talking to these guys, two American guys. One kids from San Francisco, one kids from Hawaii, one kids from Pittsburgh. The one from Pittsburgh to POW. And he's like, yeah, it's pretty fucked up here. He's like, they're just gonna take you on a walk, man. It's cool.

We want you to see the sunset. And then they fucking stab him with band-ats and eat his liver. Now, and how do we get here, Bert? I have no idea. Did your brain do this during the day? It only when I sit in this chair and by the way,

so now the last set. And I'm wondering also how you stay off TikTok and YouTube with your brain away. I can't get on TikTok. TikTok, I'm there for an hour. I was this dude that just got out of prison yesterday. This is your brain the way it is. I would imagine that kind of stuff that the world,

that the Facebook and everybody creates to addict you, just forget it, you're just your lost. It's bad news. Yeah. The last thing I wanna do, the last thing I wanna do before we leave, I got a hilarious text yesterday. Okay. I wanna share the text with you. And then, I then I would like do before we leave. I got a hilarious text yesterday. Okay.

I want to share the text with you. And then I would like to call the guy. Okay. And I want to find the backstory. And I think you're going to hear the text and go, I definitely want another backstory too. Okay. So yesterday at 9.30 in the morning.

Does nobody know? Don't know this guy. How do you get your number? No idea. Woo! Okay. 9.30 in the morning. That's scary already. I get a text, guess who you saucy little biscuit man. Right?

And so I'm like, okay, someone from college. Yeah. And so I ride back, I checked the Eric Code, 7.03's Eric Code, it's Northern Virginia. So I go, hmm, who do I know in Northern Virginia? And I go, I don't know Dave Matthews, right? Because I knew he grew up in Virginia. And the guy goes, LOL, bro. I'll make it easy. Oh

Hoi Setting sail for Port Manais petty officer putting time is out for Oreos What and then I get a text. Oh my god. Please disregard all this. I just found out I'm texting the wrong number I'm very sorry to have bothered you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and please take care. So I was like, okay, I wanna know who Petty Officer putting time is. And he's setting sail to Port Manis. Like it was just like such, it was such a fucking hilarious

text that I wrote back, ha ha ha, who the fuck is this? And then I wrote, I wrote, Bert Christcher meaning I'm Bert Christcher and he went, ha ha Bert Christcher. I'm definitely not him though that would be pretty dang nifty. My name's Brandon, fuck it. Bleep it if you need to. My name's Brandon and I thought I was texting

an old college buddy that I drove cross country with. When we moved to LA like 15 years ago Haven't talked to him in a hot minute just realized I entered the wrong number when I got my old phone I'm so sorry. I wrote ha ha ha no this is Berk, right sure and he goes no way And I went it is and he goes if this is serious I'm actually huge fan ears and I love your stuff But this is easily the weirdest coolest wrong number I've ever gotten and I go I posted it to my Instagram He goes oh my god, this is easily the weirdest, coolest, wrong number I've ever gotten. And I go, I posted it to my Instagram, and he goes, Oh my God, this is wild.

So I wanted to call him and find I know Nadav. I got you, buddy. Now, we're going to call him. Okay. I should FaceTime him, huh? Because I know he knows it's me. Yeah. Right?

Yeah, why not? Glees, what? What, Nadav's like giving out? Voice call? Yeah, let's do a voice call. Okay. Nadav's giving out. Okay. Okay, so this is Brian. He's brand good he's got to save my number as in

Berk Crysher right he's probably got a job I was probably staying home he's in North Virginia come on Brandon it's rare was later hello Brandon yes hey. Hey, it's Bert. Christher. Hey, listen, I'm on a podcast and I wanted to talk to you. Are you just okay if we record you for a podcast? Absolutely. Okay.

Hey, Brandon, I'm super curious about the text I got from you yesterday. And I want to know maybe just a little bit of backstory about where Port Manais is and who Teddy Officer Putting Time is and what does it mean when he goes out for Oreos? Well, that's a pretty loaded question right there. Um. Are you Officer putting time? I mean I've been petty officer putting time, but I'm not always petty officer putting time. It depends.

So how does one become petty officer putting? Is that like catcher and pitcher? No, no, it's not sexual. That's a thing. It's more of like a state of mind, I guess. Oh, petty officer putting time. So, because I would really, it's very poetic. I would love to incorporate this into our show

to there's one cave and find out what I need. How do I get into petty officer putting time? And like, is out for Oreos code for anything? Or is I'm just like, I'm out for Oreos, bro. Well, Oreos is, it is another word for squirrel treats, which is another word for. I mean, I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they sound good, don't they? They sound fucking awesome. I want squirrel treats. Are they like, like, toffee, sugary? No, no, I think squirrel treats are beers.

Really? What are squirrel treats? Oh, it could be beers. It could be the toffee, whatever, sugar. Who's that in the background? Is that Tom? No, that's Dr. Drew. Oh, hey, Dr. Drew.

Hey, man. Hey, you kept like, I'm sitting at home. Hey, Dr. Drew. He kept him putting time. Yeah, so it's, I mean, it's not so much sugar as it's more, yeah, as you're thinking more of the uh, I want to know how Brandon's gonna explain this phone call to his friends. You know, if his friends are gonna believe that, something to change your state of mind, I guess. Something to change your state of mind are squirrel treats or Oreos.

I win most of Oreos or squirrel treats. And you're like, yo, so Port Manes, what's Port Manes? Is that like, it's like, hey man, Port Manes is where you go get all the squirrel treats and Oreos? Yeah, Port Manes is where you're pretty much gone when you've collected enough squirrel treats. And that's where you're at. You stay there until you need more squirrel treats and then that's where you're at. Stay there until you're,

that you need more squirrel treats. This is some sort of, this is some sort of acid trip. This is awesome. So now are there other, are there other officers on this boat? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. So you got petty officer putting time.

So petty officer putting times as far as we've ever gotten. This is, uh, this got started back in college. And this is going to show my age right here. But I saw something regarding this on one of my friends away messages for a long time. I think he took it from like, I want to say Tucker Maxx or something like this and slide back to 2002-2004. Yeah. sounds like Tucker I don't fit in the for time and uh it uh it kind of went from there and it it turned into this yeah what I'm talking about now and it's just been you know uh state of mind now well now we've just

we've elevated we love it we've elevated the awareness of all this now. Well, this is achieving new status. I'll tell you right now, my boat's been docked because Port Manais has been shut down for me. My buddy, Petty Officer, putting time, broke his arm and his leg and has been getting squirrel treats out the ass. I got addicted to squirrel treats, now he's detoxing off of Oreos. But on January 1st, on December 31st, petty officer putting time is setting off for Port Manets and we are getting Oreos.

I can promise you that. Thank goodness. Yup, and I'll tell you what Brandon, I'm gonna send you a link for YMHStudios.com backslash live stream. And you can watch our live show on New Year's Eve if you want to. I would love to. Honestly, I'm a big fan of yours. I watch two bears, one cave religiously, saw the cabins and your stand-ups. Yes. Tom Bill Burr, yes.

Well, hey man, you have introduced a new way of speaking to me. I will be talking like this for the next fucking six months. I appreciate it. And this is the best wrong text message I've ever gotten in my life. Did you have no idea? This blew my life. Dude, you have no idea, this blew my mind. Okay. Well, hey, stay safe, have a have Merry Christmas and, and I'll talk to you later, hopefully.

Yeah. Thank you, bro. New Year's Eve. All right, buddy, bye. Captain, putting time. Corporal putting time. Fucking, so funny. Oh, that is, I love.

That was the greatest. You wanted to kind of, I'm gonna wrap it up. Can I tell you the other best wrong phone call I've ever gotten? Yeah. Guy calls me and he goes, hello, he calls and I go, hello. And he goes, Steve and I go, no. And he goes, Steve, I go, no. He goes, hello and I said, hello and he goes,

is anyone there? And he hangs up. I'm on Franklin, taking left on to LeBrayo. Okay. I'm at the light, and he calls back again. I go, hello, and he goes, Steve. And I go, no, and he goes, Steve, I go, hello, and he goes, is anyone there?

And I said, no, and he goes, hello, and he hangs up again. Where? So he calls again, and I go, hello, and he goes, Steve, and I go, no, this is not Steve, and he goes up again. Where? So he calls again and I go, hello, and he goes, Steve and I go, no, this is not Steve. And he goes, hello, I go, listen, fucking asshole. And he goes, hey, you don't have to call me an asshole. I go, you were fucking listening to me. And he goes, yeah, man, and you don't have to talk like that.

And he hangs up on me. So I call him back. And he goes, hello, I go, fuck you. And I hang up, right? He calls me back. I go, hello, and he goes, fuck you. And I hang up. I go, you know what? I'm going to win at this. I go to the improv that night.

I go, hey guys, I got a wrong call. I tell him the story. I go, here's his phone number. At any time during the day, I want you to call him and just go, fuck you. Oh, no. I want this guy to get it from every fucking end, right? Oh. So I forget that he has my number. Oh. So the next day, I get a phone call and he goes, listen, mother fucker. I will put your number everywhere.

You put my number out to all these fuck. God, people call me fuck you in the middle of the goddamn fucking night. I have a new baby. Fuck you. I will find you. Oh my God. Block number. Block number.

I'm back fired. Not good. No, not good. He's probably still looking for you. Oh, we should have told his number. What are we calling now? I call him right, fuck. I feel bad. You, some young dad is out there trying to sleep.

What could you did to him? I got you, there was a guy, there's a guy I got one number in here. Yeah. There's a guy who was sending me threatening texts. I've told a dove about this. And I got his number. And I have used his number for such evil. I don't think I want to hear this about you.

He's sending me threatening texts, like the way he was talking to me was aggressive. It was about Tom. I hope he's listening to this. And this guy knew it was you? Yeah, he knew it was me. And I hope he's listening to this. And this guy knew it was you? Yeah, he knew it was me. And I talked to Mark Norman about this. I said, Revenge is a dish best served.

It was so cold. So I was on the jog one day, and I saw a car for sale. It was like a lumina. It was a pretty cheap price. It was like thousand bucks. I was like, well, so I took a picture of it, and I posted up flyers and I said a thousand bucks or best offer and then I put this guy's number on the little things put it right by the

Starbucks by my house. And then I started putting up little signs for free. Should I take pictures of the shit I thought cool and I put this guy's number on the signs. I fucked this guy. You don't talk to me like that. You think I'm weak? I'll fucking show you weak.

And then I called the FBI a friend my buddy. I have a friend who could help me figure out numbers and And I found out who it was Somebody new oh No way yeah Anyway, that's it fuck with the beam. That's the story. Yeah, yeah, it's a burner account Yeah, it's fucking yeah the guy fucking no the guy never found out it was me never found it was me um maybe he knows now yep yep yep so uh well birth this is really fun hey I drew I gotta be honest with you I had a blast I was I did

do I was afraid you're gonna be Leanne honesty no no no no I had a fucking blast. I had a fucking blast. Me too. I love that you're a part of our lives. I know Lee really really loves it. You're a part of our lives, but I love that you're part of our lives and I love that in times of hurt, whatever the fuck's we're going through with Tom and his fucking drug addict broken bones. That you're here to help us because you that you're here to help us. Cause you definitely saved us that day because we were just a bunch of squirrel treats with a guy that got off.

You were heading towards Captain Pudding time with send and sell for Port Urade. You are on your way to Coolade, man. Oh, coolade, Bill. There was a lot of chaos going on. I'm a petty officer, Vino. Fact, fact, let's learn something from this. Next time, somebody wants to sign out of the hospital,

call me then. Oh, yeah, I'm saying. That's the time to call me. Not when you're thinking about putting him in a hotel 12 hours later. There's like, what? Hey, and if you find anyone that has what my side of partying is, where it's like not necessarily rehab,

by the way, shout out to John Malayne. I hope he gets better. I didn't mean to talk shit about it. And by the way, shout out to John Malayner. I hope he gets better. I didn't mean to talk shit about him. And by the way, looking at his profile, he must be a really like a bad, you know, alone kind of drinker. You know what I mean? I think you don't see him out. It's the reason I don't want go to AA is because once you put it out that you went to AA, everyone has an judgment about you. That's why I think they're trying to help you. I think John just was like, I just want to party a little bit and then I don't know fucking pandemic got to him

Me and I'm gonna be like yeah, oh To your boy though. I've been sober most of this goddamn pandemic. I've been touring. It's been good to you Trace my eyes are fucking all right tornado So yeah, so it's been great. I appreciate I love being here loving party guys lives and it's it's really privileged So I think back to where I'll start and it's so funny how it all I got involved here. It's so weird. It's really because my wife booked Christina on a podcast I was doing with Bob for us back in your wife's I don't get a blowjob without thinking about you. Thank you.

Your wife or Christina. Thank you. One point. That's wonderful. I literally got a blowjob the other day And I thought I thought it is weird that Tom and I get the exact same blowjob now to my wife taught Christina How to give her blowjob But didn't my wife up the game your wife is the reason they're all sucking dick because because your wife said hey You can do it and then fuck me don't give me a solid blow like you know, I just get a little below

I'm like That's off to the pins kids so glad they's so glad they're in our life. Fuck yeah. Well, hey, thank you. We're mad Drew. Let's lose again sometime. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. It doesn't have to be good Bring the vaccine next time. Yeah, that doesn't have to be Tom broken for me to come in so We love you Tommy. Yeah, man Bird time time and bird one goes top the swath the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean

Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur, for topology Dirty jokes, ronchi humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave Jesus, here's what we call to Bears 1K.