2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 63 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Did you miss partying with the bears this New Years Eve? You still have until January 11 to catch all the action at https://ymhstudios.com/livestream SPONSORS: - Get your first visit absolutely free at https://ForHims.com/bears - Get 10% off your first 3 months at https://Ritual.com/BEARS - Download the World Series of Poker app and use promo code WSOPBEARS for ONE MILLION bonus chips when you sign up. - Head to https://Policygenius.com right now to get started. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right. - You can try ShipStation FREE for 60 days when you use offer code CAVE at https://ShipStation.com - Get 15% off your order at https://BuyRaycon.com/bears - Go to https://HelloFresh.com/cave10 and use code cave10 to get 10 free meals free plus free shipping! - Go to https://Feetures.com/CAVE to get $10 off your first pair! Tom Segura is back in the studio with Bert Kreischer for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. The Bears start off by discussing Dr. Dre's brain aneurysm, Kumail Nanjiani's fitness regimen, and recapping their New Year's Eve live show. They respond to listener emails about original thoughts and large penis problems. They call Bert's father to discuss what he does for a living, and wrap up by brainstorming which of the world's monarchies is the most fun?

We should get our test-tops rounds checked. What did he say about test-tops? What did he say? I can read the whole article. It was something about doing it and liking it. Rogan? Yeah, like he does. He was like, he went to Jack Doctors who were in their 60s and looked like they were in their 40s.

Like, I'm not the best with reading. Like, I mean, I can, I mean, what I mean is like, there are people that sometimes I say stupid things and there are people watching this going, meet you! 100% I'm a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a Um. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I talk fast and I don't say the right things. And I said, Dr. Drew. Yeah. She sat with it all night.

All night. That's all you say. Yeah, the night she's like, I can't find anything about Dr. Drew's aneurysm. I said, Dr. Drew had an aneurysm. She was like, you the one that told me. I was like, oh no, Dr. Dre. She was like, Dr. Dre had an aneurysm.

It was like, he been, it was a great way to have an update on him, like on his condition right now. I guess. He's doing, he's doing good. He's out, Dr. Dre, it was like, it was a great way to have him. Is there an update on him, like on his condition right now? I guess. He's doing good, he's out of ICU, I'm a following it. I've been following it because that doesn't, that goes, this is what sucks about the fucking thing. It goes against all the things you sign up for when you're a kid. Take your vitamins, be healthy.

Dr. Dre doesn't party, he works out, he's in good shape. Yeah. He's healthy, he's only in his 50s, he's a billionaire, the billionaires don't get sick and die like that, and so all the stuff that goes, it goes against all the shit you signed up for as a kid. When you sat there like Prince Queen Elizabeth did and said your prayers at the end of the night,

and you said, oh man, you've gotten bad. That was, that you're covered. Yeah, and then all of a sudden the fucking, and you can't stop aneurysms. No, but I guess soon as you know when he's 55. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Soon you know when is I bet they feel a lot like panic attacks too. Yeah. Well, as soon as they know it's going on, they have to get in there, which is probably what happened with him. I told he we have no real up to

LL cool J gave an update. Okay. We're fucking, I didn't even know they were close. I, it surprises me too. Ha ha ha ha. I have no idea who he was. Cool, but he gave an update. You're like, you're not shitting on LL Cool J. Drainage recovering nicely.

Shut up, they're friends. I guess I'm a cool way to come out as friends, you know? Yeah, and everyone's like, is that why you were going back to Cali? So that's your friend, right? I'm back to Cali. What is that? What a neat way we should we should do that to be the drape post. Oh, he says, well, thanks to my family, friends,

and I mean like scroll down so I can see. Oh, he's in the studio already. So I know. Hey, is that a good magazine? Bad magazine. What do you mean? Like, you know how sometimes you read things? Like, do you ever look at the news and you go,

you go, what the fuck is wrong with these fuck? Oh, never mind, that's Vox news. And then you're like, oh, like just the source. Yeah, like the source. Is Vulture good or bad? I mean, I think I thought Vulture was more like a pop culture type of thing. But is it like, I saw one the other day that was like the headline was,

more diversity or more cancel culture, like or something like, even the good ones draw you in to get you to fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so exhausted of all that. I don't know, I mean, Vulture, I thought it skewed kind of like alty. You know, I thought that that was,

I don't think I, see if I've ever made a Vulture. I'm sure. Fat, fucking out of the wall. See if, see if what? White privilege. Have I ever made a Vulture? Berkreicherrysher. Yeah.

Let's see. Boar Vulture. I've been in Vulture. What was I in Vulture for? Fucking fat rat. You see, the man behind the machine, the comedian joins us. Oh, Justin David Fox. I know that, dude.

I shit on him one time on a podcast. Yeah, I did. Dude, we want to talk about what a fucking cunt I am. Yeah. Yeah. I did a I did, dude, we wanna talk about what a fucking cut I am. Yeah. Yeah. I did a whole interview with this guy. I mean, it was one of the funnest interviews I've ever done, really honestly.

He has a joke, he has a podcast called The Good One, or A Good One. It's a great, he basically takes one of your jokes and then pulls it apart. He wants to know how he wrote it. I fucking jack off to shit like that. Yeah. I love that more than anything. I love talk, first of all, I love talking about me. It's totally breaking it down.

Yes, you do love talking about you. And then breaking it down. And then breaking it down and how I got there. And especially with the machine story, it took me four years to really write. So I love that. I love that. And I get done the interview and he goes,

I'm like, man, I really had a great time. I really had a great time. I really had a great time. This was one of the fun of podcasts I've ever done. I think it was like a two and a half hour podcast. And it's not supposed to be, supposed to be like 35 minutes. Yeah. And he was like, thanks. He's like, you know, I was curious if whether or not

how we were gonna, I was gonna be received by you. And I was like, why? And he was like, well, because you kind of trash me one time on a podcast. So I was like, ah, that sounds on brand for me. How did you trash this person? He wrote an article about Hannah Gadzby. And I type in Jesse David Fox, Hannah Gadzby.

You might as well type in Burkrise or two and find out what I said about him. Hannah Gadatsby. Good luck. Listen, yeah. Um, no, it's gotta be that. It's gotta be like, how funny this comedy need to be, I'm sure that's it.

It sounds right. And I read it and I, I guess I either post it or I trashed it or whatever, because it was saying that comedy doesn't need to be funny which I think we all know that now that a man's done it, like, Chappelle, it's okay. But, but.

Yeah, that makes sense. No, at the time, I think that the young kid, that I forget his name, but there was a dude at a New York that did a special where there was like, it was like a spoken word special. Mm-hmm. And then Hannah did it. And then I just released one.

I think mine just came out. And I was like, oh great. So I, and then I was like, I'm really sorry. And he was like, no, I understand why you said it. And, you know, I think my, and it was cool. He was actually really cool. That's how cancel culture should work. Is I trash someone, he can cancel me, but he doesn't.

So thank you. Thank you. By the way, speaking of getting canceled, I need to make some apologies. What now? You know, okay, I already said it. You know how I'm gonna speak. I know you have a trouble with words.

But it's not, I just go, I think, I think slower than I talk. You think slower than you talk. Yeah, yeah, that's accurate, yeah. You talk slower than you think. True. That's interesting. Yes.

Like, your specials are thought out. Well, I mean, it's methodical, it's calculated, and it is definitely a slower burn. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Mine are not like, even when I do. No, you're like a meth head. Yeah, I feel like it. So I've been defending Kumail left and right. Kumail, so for people who don't know,

Kumail Najiani, over a year ago, he posted this photo of him, which by the way, he sent, we were texting, and he sent me the, like, photos that he was taking of himself. For the record, I forgot you were Thanos. Oh, the glove come up and I was like, so I didn't realize the body picture there. There's a bot, there's a side by side.

Oh, the side by side. Yeah, that one of Kumail. Damn. I should even the beach. And then. So, but anyways, he posted these photos. He got in the, he got jacked for this Marvel Eternals movie.

And I guess he's just maintained it. So people thought that like he would shoot his movie and then whatever. And then throughout. Look at, oh, that's not him. Throughout quarantine, he has said that, you know, he, he's kept working out. It's helped him deal with the pandemic and isolation

and he's also eaten really healthy and he has like one cheat day and he posts photos of his cheat days. I do not see the food all I see is those jacked fucking buys. Like, I think he buys his jack. He is so so he's okay I will say it right now and I know this isn't popular he looks The way I want to look I want to look that way she looks amazing. Yeah, he looks great

And I've been saying that across the board Like I do with Kevin Hart like I make a joke. I tried to make a joke. Well, we can mail here's what I fucked up Is you know it's crazy. He's right before they started trashing him? Well, that's so that we didn't get to this though. Oh, yes, right. So this, like, he did this transformation. And like I said, he's maintained it. And he keeps posting, like, here's my cheat day meal,

cake, and donuts and whatever. But he's stayed in really good shape. And then people are dragging him, like online, a whole wave of people were like, he is representing, I don't know. Promoting, promoting this type of body and- Unitannable standards. You standards.

You standards. And like- Which I'll say, that's probably unattainable for me. I mean, only because I know you. That's unattainable for a lot of people. Like yes. And he said it, it's unattainable for a lot of people. Like, yes. And he said it, it is unattainable for a lot of people. He said that to get into that shape, he said,

he made a statement that he goes without, I had like the world's best trainers and nutrition is paid for by the world's biggest studio. He's like, there's no way I could have done this. But he has maintained it. He's maintained it. And by the way, also, it's during a pandemic when- And it's probably because it's a thing now,

it's probably opening doors for him for different types of roles, you know? I think there's two, and I think there's two sides. I think one side is the alt comedy scene who stereotype that body as like Desquad, Rogan, you know, that kind of person. That's a girl, a Jack. And then that, and then he got like, Crisor, the Mijee.

And then he get like, well, the thing is, it's weird because you heard people like, Chris, I was like, I want him to be like he was before, you know, that's who I like him as. So, and then there's the other side, which I think is even more interesting, is the meat heads who I think, it's like the all, okay, the all left,

wants him to go back to the way he was, and then the alt-right wants him to admit he used steroids. Oh, right, right. They're like, dude, juice, juice, we got it, man, born your side. Yes, to say you did juice. Right, because the other story about it was like, say that you're on steroids.

Which, Rogan had a big thing about taking testosterone? I would love to go, we should get our testosterone checked. What did he say about test, what did he say? I didn't read the article. It was something about doing it and liking it. Rogan? Yeah, like he does. He was like, he went to Jacked Doctors

who were in their 60s and looked like they were in their 40s. Like, I'm not the best with reading. Like, I mean, I can, I mean, what I mean is like, there are people that sometimes I say fucking stupid things and there are people watching this going, meet you! I read the thing, and then I'm in my mind wanders. Yeah. So like, I started reading it and all I thought of was so

abrupt over. I was like, yeah, God damn it. You're like, that's why I lost. That's why I lost unfair. Barry bonds his head size grew. Yeah, he sure did. And so people say, but Rogan was saying that he wanted to be, he wanted his body to work better, I think, because of that effect. And so he got his, I work better, I think, because of that effect.

And so he got his... I don't think he's jacked on it. I think he just took him up to where they normally were. I have no idea where he's... But he's super jacked. Rogan? Yeah. Fuck, yes.

He's like 53? 53 years old, and he is in... Ridiculous shape. Yeah. But he also... He said something to me once, I've probably said it before, and this was like 10 years ago. I remember being in a cab with him, and we were in Miami.

We're going from the airport to the hotel, and he goes like this, pretend this is his actual stomach. He goes like this, he goes getting fat, getting fat, and I go what? He goes, I'm getting fat, and he pinched like this much fat. And I go, what? He goes, I'm getting fat and he pinched like this much fat. And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, well, yeah, this is like, this is fat for me though.

And I was like, I go, you're not fat. And he goes, no, no, no, no, he goes, the thing is I go, this is ridiculous that you're saying that he goes, well, I've never been at like, I've never been out of shape. So at this, at this point, he was 43. He, well, I've never been at like, I've never been out of shape. So at this point, he was 43. He was like, I've never been out of shape. So I just mean, I've never,

so this is like a little indicator to me to like, step it up because I've never been out of shape. And I was like, oh, okay. By the way, I'm pretty good shape right now. No, okay, hold on, hold on, let's pump the brakes. Pump the brakes. I'm in pretty good shape for me right now. For where I've been, I'm at my lowest weight

that I've been in a year. I'm in great shape. You oddly enough, you look better than you've ever looked. Which I could break my leg arm. Oh, crazy. God, what I'm just kidding. I'm gonna come out of this like in six months and you're gonna be like, what the fuck?

Cause I'll be probably 25 pounds lighter than I am now. And with all the training that like ramps up as you are able to, I'll be stronger than I was the before I got hurt. Fuck, I know, you should get in an accident. And you've already gotten coronavirus so you can do outdoor stuff. You can like get in an accident. And you've already gotten coronavirus so you can do outdoor stuff. Uh-huh.

You can like get people's faces. Anyway, my apology to Kumail is this. Oh yeah, what's the apology about? I speak too fast and I've been calling him Indian. And I know he's Pakistan. He's Pakistani. And so the whole time I'm like, I realized it in a shower the other day.

Because I'm defending, because I got, I looked at myself in the mirror. Oh, then you thought I was like, I realized it in a shower the other day. Some defending, because I looked at myself in the mirror. Oh, then you thought it was like, this is like a man. It was like, this looks terrible. And I was like, I should really text him and say, like, for real, what did you do? Did you, like, if there's like a,

is there a supplement, and he's just like an over-the-counter supplement? Did you ask of that? No, I know, I've only texted him. I know him, like we've done podcasts, we've hung out or whatever. And I only text him when, I text him when when it like good things happen to him and he'll say to me, but I'm not going to text him when he's in the middle of this shit and go,

hey man, what are you all on? Yeah. And so, and but then I'm sitting in the, I'm sitting a shower and I go, I actually didn't research this so we could figure it on the podcast. I was like, it's probably pretty bad to call someone who's Pakistani Indian. Yeah, actually to them, you know, probably. Like calling someone from New York, Mississippi. Maybe Bostonians. See, I want to see how close are India and Pakistan, because I bet they share a border.

And then if they share a border, is it like Alabama? They've had a long, long, long rivalry. You know, wars, like overland. Oh yeah. Yeah. Are they right on the same border? Yeah, yep. So then just had a curiosity, okay.

Curiosity. Like other than to them, it's an insult. Like how far off is an Indian person from a Pakistani person? Oh, well, culturally, you know, different, like they're different cultures. But like if you go to the border, right? Yeah.

And you like go like 20 miles, one way, 20 miles the other way, or you're gonna be like, this is definitely Pakistan. I don't know, but that's a good question. Yeah, that's what I'm sitting there going like, because then I said, in Europe, that's accurate. Like in Europe you go, German people do not look like Italian people.

Like Germans like that, well, I think Hitler made it that way, but I'm like, I wanna know that's the truth, is there was a, like, he made sure everyone looked one way, right? Yeah, I mean, he was a big fan of that. That was a bad example for Germany, but- But Northern Italians are more fair skinned. You find blonde, blue-eyed, Northern Italians. And Southern Italians are more dark skinned.

Yeah. And so then I was like, so, but could you tell the difference? Like, if you and your head say French person, I have a visual, right? Right. Like, kind of like, punch back a little bit, cigarette, parade, like overweight. Really?

Yeah, you're doing that. You know, like, I do a really good French person. Let's do it. Okay, give me something, just talk to me, man, I'm in a cafe. I'm right in poetry, go ahead. Okay, excuse me. Hey, what happened to your leg, huh?

You're probably getting broken. What's your name, sir? My name? Yes. Jean-Luc Picard. Jean-Luc Picard. Jean-Luc? That is somebody, isn't it?

It sounds like it came out too quick. Yeah. I think he was in Star Trek. Jean-Luc Picard. Oh, fuck, he is French. I think that's the Star Trek. John Luke Picard. Fuck, he is French. I think that's the actual character's name. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He's clearly British. He's clearly British. He's very British. He's clearly British. He's gonna look big on it. Oh, before, before, before we forget.

Oh, we should talk about that live show. I just wanna tell people, look, I've addressed it online. I addressed it on your mom's house. I wanna address it on, look, I know there were tech problems and they fucking pissed me off. Wait, did we have tech problems? Yes. There were tech problems people trying to get into the live show.

And I tried to address it as much as I could that we prepared for it. We hired multiple companies. We fired somebody. It's not going to happen again. I swear to you. We've put so much time, so much resources. We're announcing another live event in a few weeks that we're super excited about.

Yes. Oh, by the way. Yeah. It's what you've asked for. It is what you've asked for. It's what you've asked for. And here's the thing, I promise you. I promise you it's not, it's not gonna happen again.

I promise you. So that's all I can tell you. Thank you for sticking with us. Thank you for joining us for the New Year show. I know that somebody drank too much. And that was... We have different roles, this year. I've been sober for a year.

For a whole five days. Is it six? Yeah. They just creep up on you. The, I will say this, because I got a lot of, I got a lot of nasty email or texts and emails. And texts, oddly enough. Thank you for, we should pivot to spoofing,

what spoofing is, but my number got given out. And I really appreciate all the people that sent me pictures of their wife getting choked out with a cock. Yeah, really? Odd pictures you get. But anyway, a lot of people were upset that I didn't acknowledge the technical problems. I will be dead honest with you.

I, that's not my brain. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm being, even more serious. I hear the truth, here's the real truth. Bird has nothing to honest with you. That's not my brain. I'm being... Even more... Here's the real truth. Bird has nothing to do with it. Don't play in Bird. No, I apologize. I didn't apologize.

But when you said technical stuff started happening, I definitely saw Tom flip over to business, Tom, and go, what the fuck? And you know this. but during those videos, he would get up and start dealing with shit. And I am not that guy. No, it's totally, I don't have anyone's phone number. I can't solve it.

No, no, I don't help the issue. And so I was like, I think it's better if we're partying for me to stay in the party, man. I think it is too. And I apologize for the one lady who fucking, I trolled her back a little bit. She was like, thank you, Tom, for saying something. Radio silence from Bert.

He has done anything knowledge that there was a problem. Yeah, I was like, oh, no. I was furious. I think, look, he, don't blame Bert. Anyway, that live show was a fucking blast. It was a lot of fun. And it was so weird to see, like, I really thought I was gonna see Panicbert with these animals.

And then you were just like, look at this snake and like, put that on my face. I was like, what the fuck? That snake was so fucking relaxing. Knowing that it wasn't gonna bite you was just gonna chill. It's like, why wouldn't you get a couple of them and put them in your bed? Yeah.

That was all in the Transla. I woke up the next morning. I had one of the best days I've ever had of my life. The next morning, I woke up, still drunk. And Liam was like, hey, you want to go? We'll go take the dogs and go let them run around. And I was like, yeah, so we went over to the new house. And I was still in my outfit from the night before

and I was smoking a cigar and I was reading what people were writing on the internet and I was laughing. Leigh-Anne was doing a workout class. I was laughing hysterically and smiling ear to ear. I had so much fun. It was so fun. At that live event, I hope you had a much fun.

The, I'll say I said it on every platform I can get on. The memes are Unbelievable I walked into Georgia's room and she is watching Gwen Stefani do her song and Tom fall to it I mean we could not yeah, it was so fucking great. Oh, yeah, and the There's a whole bunch of injury merch. We have air cigarettes. Hey, I need to get some of this before it sells out

because what happens is we have a lot of really cool merch I want, but it sells out and we never make it again. Yeah, you're right. We'll send it all to you. What size? Triple XL. XL. Buddy.

I'm losing weight. You sure you want XL? I want XL. Double XL. You can wear I want XL. I want a floppy close. Yeah, floppy close. You get to XL, you can wear it in May. So let's get you the double X. This brings about one of the last things we talked about when we were doing the regular show, which is big dick problems, we asked like, what is it, what is it suck? And we got a bunch of emails, are we gonna read some to you?

What's up Todd and Bart? I'm a member of the Fat Lab Hog Club with above average trouser snake dimensions. When hard, I'm seven and a half inches long from base to the top of the shaft and seven and a half inches in circumference. Here are some things I get annoyed with. Even shaft and seven and a half inches in circumference. Here are some things I get annoyed with.

Even at about four and a half inches soft, it is clearly visible in almost every pair of pants, shorts, wet pants I have, worst of all bathing suits. Because of this, I have to wear athletic style compression boxer briefs. Even still, my dickline is still visible when I wear jeans. My girlfriend sometimes gets uncomfortable when I'm dicking her down with enthusiasm. She has blood on occasion. I did figure out in my teens that condoms hurt pretty bad

to wear even magnums. Leave a pretty solid purple line on my shaft. It is unenjoyable. While taking a shit, my dick has to be 100% soft. Else the tip can slap against the front portion of the toilet. It sounds easy, but sometimes in the morning or randomly during the day I would need to take a dump and my dick would not be fully holstered

Obviously, this is super gross Especially when having to do it in public setting amongst the germs of who knows how many disgusting fucks That's from Ray What's his last name? So Google him. Oh, it looks like he doesn't give his last name. God damn it This is last name, so Google, I'm honestly what it looks like. He doesn't give his last name. God damn it, right? Here's, here's,

having a nine inch penis sounds like every man's dream, but I can tell you firsthand it's a nightmare. This is like big tits, because when we went big tits, I remember there was this fucking smoke show at like, Rack. I, she's famous, I could say her name. And she got a brass reduction and I was like,

oh, was she dropped on her head as a baby? Like why would you do that? This is one of the worst ones. This guy's three. Oh, bring it. Having, he has a nine inch dick. One time when I was in high school, I got beat up by some guys during a pick up game of basketball

after they noticed my huge penis and thought I was hard for them. They res, this resulted in two of my teeth being knocked out in a black eye. The worst part was I know I couldn't tell anyone why I got beat up because I knew they wouldn't believe me or they might actually think I'm gay. Davis from Kansas. So that, I mean, that's a terrible one.

Davis. My heart goes out to Davis. Yeah, that's, that one's really terrible. Fucking horrible. Um, here's, uh, this guy says, I'm six inches plus flaccid and just shy of eight hard with the section's girth. Here's a problem I have. Every time I get a full body scan going through security at an airport I have to get

padded down because my dick shows up. I have to buy relaxed fit pants because anything tight in the crotch region gives a good outline. Anytime Doppler radar goes off they're like like, we have a disturbance in India. Never mind his Davis. Not a problem with me, but my wife thinks every woman we talk to wants to fuck me because they can see my bulge. Sometimes I sit on my balls or my dick.

Thanks, Eric. Wait, when did we talk about big dicks? It was a few weeks ago. God damn it. I know I said something on the podcast. I gave out two friends names and they're like, Hey man, thanks for the shout out. Please don't do that again.

This guy, this is the last one. I'll read, has an 11 inch dick. And let me tell you, it's not all fun and games. You can never fit it in all the way anywhere. You end up hurting everyone you're with. You scare some people and turn others into crazy stalkers because they love it so much. Enjoy your regular

sized dick skies and avoid all the headaches. I would much rather have someone be able to switch my entire piece around in their mouth. Thank you for all the entertainment. Thanks for having me. That's gonna happen with mine. Anthony, yeah. I've never had a- can I tell you- you want- okay, now? Yeah. It's tag- small dick problems. Okay. So, sometimes, as in yesterday, when I run, my dick, when I run my dick goes like probably like that big.

Yes, like it's like super small. But that also means it's not like hanging to the left or hanging to the right. It's just sitting there like a little bit like this. And I ran six miles yesterday. Oh, I'm running 2,000 miles this year, by the way. I should have announced that. I'm running 2,000 miles. It's an extra 1,000 miles.

Yeah, me and Michelle Wolfe are doing 2,000 miles. If you wanted to do the 2,000 mile challenge, here's the catch. Ready? You can walk on the treadmill. If you want to walk five and a half miles every day, you just got to make sure you play it. It's not, don't count your fucking steps.

You've got to get on a goddamn treadmill, hit start and walk five and up. Which is a good way. Or outside, on a goddamn treadmill, hit start, and walk. Five, nine, which is- Or outside. Or outside, or outside. You have to go on a walk. You can't just go like, because Michelle and I were like, Higgs got a count, right?

Like for that. Because, and also when I run, I run Fartlicks. Like we used to do a Bears Bootcamp. Fartlicks? That's what they're called, Fartlicks. Fartlicks. Okay. It's basically, remember we used barriers, but we do sprints.

And then you'd walk and then you sprint. I like those. So that, for me, is an easy way to run five miles. It's to stew, like, two minute sprints, very long distance, are very simple forms of long distance running. Yes. It's, it's basically fast running with loads. Job with run walk. Yeah.. So, I'll run.

Yeah, so like I'll run, like one of my favorite ones. I use this app called, called, active, two A's, active, and there's this guy I came, and a came is my favorite one. I've tried everyone else,

but for whatever, I started listening to him and I love this guy I came. And one of my favorite ones is the big birthday run. And it's notorious B.I.G. And so I could love notorious B.I.G. so I can run to him. But it starts off with like, you're supposed to walk in a three, but I run it a five, then run it an eight for like 30 seconds,

then run it a five for a minute, then run it a seven point five for 40 seconds, then run it a five. So like if you wanna do this, you can, you can walk, you can hike, but you've got to start your thing and then do five, you got to do five and a half miles a day and what sucks if you miss a day, you're doing 11.

So, yeah. Can you do every day? Every day, I've been doing it every day. So, small day problems. By the way, I need a hashtag for that. Can you help me come up with a hashtag so people can join in on this 2 mile run challenge. Okay. Yeah guys Something good not don't use the hashtag small dick problems

2000 miles. Thanks. Not you Nidav. I meant them No, I really appreciate your arm. I really appreciate your hard work. Hashtag 2000 miles is a little all over the map. How about Hashtag 2000 miles 2021? How about 2021 to K miles? 2K miles 2021, per Chrysher. That's... Okay, well, we'll figure it out. It's a work in progress.

Hit me up if you have an idea, but small big problems. Yeah. So I run real hard yesterday. Mm-hmm. And then I'm cleaning my man cave with my sisters. And as I'm like moving the head of my dick is like hurting. And I go in, I look, and I have rubbed a raw, like chapped lips, the fucking head of my dick.

From the run? From the run, because it just went like this in a pair of loose fitting shorts. I'm losing weight. So loose fitting, running shorts, it started running. Wait, did you not wear boxes or anything? I don't, I wear running shorts. I wear really good running shorts.

But they're not tight, tight. There was like, and they got wet, some sweating. And so I literally had to put chapstick on my dick to just, because it was like, it's raw. It's like raw. You know where this part of your deck right here? Is raw, like, I would show you, I would, but there's Chap, it's listening to Chapstick all over it.

So, my point is I'm wearing underwear today. Yeah. I never wear underwear, but I put on these, these are, are these a sponsor of ours? I got these at my house. They could be what is the name of them. I don't know what you're wearing Is it what any's why I have no idea What is the name of these pants can't tell you. Oh shit. Mungsy? Yep.

Are they really? Yeah. They're fucking bot. They're... The pants are fucking awesome, dude. They're like sweatpants, but they look like pants. And they're good looking. Anyway, uh, hold on.

So that's my problem with my dick. Yeah. And then that's the sm with my dick. Yeah. And then that's the small dick problems. I do wanna do the run, 2,000 mile run. I want everyone to get in on it. 1,000 miles. But I don't know if your dick wouldn't be chapped

if it were huge. I'll tell you the problem I have when I rode a bike from Philadelphia to Jersey. I remember that. And my dick is not big enough to get on one side of, to pick a side of the fence. Yeah. It just sat in the middle and the pants would go, whap, whap, whap, whap.

Any stress that I feel, my dick retracts into my body. Yeah. Like any type of exercise, it goes like, mm-hmm. Oh, any exercise. Any exercise. And any type of like, like real stress, something's going on. When they were like, oh, we're having tech problems with it.

I was like, my dick was like, I'm gonna hang this one out, buddy. I can never understand how dudes can rape dudes in prison. Like, you think that after fighting a guy, my dick wouldn't be like, oh really hard. I would have to fucking beat the living shit out of a dude to be able to work up a hard on. Yeah. Like I would have to beat the hippie immobile for me to be like, all right, hold on a second. Yeah. Hey, stop moving man, stop fucking moving. I'm almost there if you want to get in the shot.

I mean, hold on, no one's ever talked about that. You see these prison movies and they beat a guy and they're all hard already. Ready to go. I guess they're like, maybe they're hard all day and all week leading up to it and they're like, we can't wait till Friday. I'm gonna fuck that guy.

Hey, I wonder. I mean, this is obviously a taboo subject, but like, I wonder how many. He's like, I'm sorry, man, this is obviously a taboo subject, but like, I wonder how many, he's like, I'm sorry man, this never happens. It's a real original thought, you know? It's a original thought. It's another original thought. It's an original thought.

You asked for original thoughts. You asked a few weeks ago, you said, you thought, you're like, this is a totally original thought. Do you have any original thoughts and you ask people to send them in? Okay, and so for every original thought, you have, I'll match it with another original thought. Okay, these were sent in by listeners.

I want to hear original thoughts. Okay. And I'll be the judge of whether or not they're original if I've heard it or not. Okay, this person says, have two dishwashers, so you rarely have to empty a dish washer. Just use clean items from one and move to the second. It's a kitchen cabinet that cleans for you. Oh, wow. That's brilliant. That's pretty second. It's a kitchen cabinet that cleans for you. Oh wow.

That's brilliant. That's pretty good. That's brilliant. Texting my wife right now. We're building a kitchen. Why not put two? Two dishwasher. How expensive are dishwashers?

I don't know. Type in dishwasher. Save 35% off. All right, that's already, you're already the halfway there. That's our dishwashashes, I don't remember ever buying a dishwasher. 500 bucks. Okay.

Cabinets gotta be the same. Probably, that's not bad, that one's fucking too bad. Texting Liam, we're getting, getting two dishwash, that's fucking brilliant. Here's another one. Good job, man. Ready? Two dishwashers, that's fucking brilliant.

That's, and that granted, that's like a rich guy, fixed move, because not everyone's got the space to be like. That's second dish watch. I bet. How many fucking dish watch did you grab? Ah, I took out my refrigerator to have a dishwasher. Yeah. You ready for the other one?

Yeah, I'm ready for another one. Transition glass should be put in all cars. So, suns out, sun goes down, glass transition. Transition glasses in all cars. Yeah. Yeah, why not? Yeah.

This might be a weekly segment. This might be, these are game changing thoughts. You ever worn transition glasses? No. No, me neither. And I've worked with something like this. Because I didn't sell porn in high school. But like, it does seem awesome when you see somebody,

like they walk outside. I was like, I don't know. Until they walk out, until you're day drinking with someone who wears transition glasses and they walk into the bar and everyone's like, blind guy just walked in. Transition glasses. And then all of a sudden you can just high beam people and then when those go black,

the whole other night. I, okay, here's what I want. I want, I want original thoughts. And then I want another thought, another one called poking holes in it, okay? Because I love people who can poke holes in original thoughts. Go, go, keep going.

What's the other one? This one says, I put my drinks in my shoe, can, bottle, et cetera, when there's no coffee table so that I don't accidentally kick them over when going to and from the bathroom. Also, I never have to guess which drink is mine when I have people over because it's in my shoe. I love that guy.

What my dreams in my shoes. That is in a, by the way, those other two ideas are really brilliant thoughts, right? That is a hardcore original thought. That one, and it's got Britt and all over it. All over it. Yeah. All over it.

Yeah, if you have, if you want to send yours in, send it to two bears, one cave, the number two, the word bears, the number one, the word cave, at gmail.com, subject line, original thoughts. Here's my original thought, I had two original thoughts today. Okay. One was with the vaccine, right? Now this actually got into a fight with my family about

because I said it, and then I started defending original thoughts before I my family about because I said it and then I started defending original thoughts before I could finish my I said the thought and then I was like hold on you're you're you're too caught up there are three steps ahead of behind original thoughts. So like sometimes within original thought you'll present it and and in the original thought I said I I need fucking Lyle right now. And they'll go, who the fuck's Lyle? Now I sound like a crazy person. And I'm like, you know, he's a pretty scared, no, no.

I got so sidetracked defending original thoughts that I couldn't get my thought out well enough because they were so far behind me. They're so far behind me, because they're not in a thinking man's world. Like, my dad's a lawyer. If you say certain things, my dad will just shut down and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't do that.

Like, does he specify a specific type of law? He's not really. He's think he does mostly real estate. Okay, that would be specific. Yeah, but that's not, it's kind of hard to explain. He does title work. Okay, but so what my dad does is he has a title company. Now back in the day, if you,

a title company was separate from a law firm, so a title company would then do all the work and then they'd run it over to a lawyer to look over it and the lawyer would make like, I don't know what a lawyer makes, like 350 bucks or something to look over it. And then they'd bring it back and then they'd do the, they'd get the title

and the title work was where the money is. And my dad in the 80s got a phone call from a lawyer, I've heard this story a couple of times. Got a phone call from a lawyer in Miami who said, hey man, I'm doing this type of business a little different. I am opening a title company and then I'm reserving, I'm saving them 350, whatever the $500 on going to a lawyer, and I'm doing, it's an original thought,

really it's an original thought, wasn't my dad, it was this guy in Miami's. And he goes, and then I'm doing all their title work, I'm doing, it's an original thought, really it's an original thought, it wasn't my dad, it was this kind of Miami's. And he goes, and then I'm doing all their title work, I'm opening a title company, and then I'm also serving as the lawyer for that title company. So we're getting all the title work because everyone's saving money on lawyers.

And my dad's like, fucking great, and he did it, and it was very successful. So anyway, by the way, I'm not 100%, I'm totally accurate on that. I think you're probably close, but you didn't. I'm very close. I'm very close. I'm not a huge.

Do you want to call him right now and get the explanation? Yep. And as well, give up. It'd be fun to hear how wrong you are. Okay. He's waiting for the vaccine. By the way, the original thought I had about the vaccine was, and this I'll call my dad, I go, they should charge rich people for it,

like put a price point on it, like you can grant a family. And then, and my dad goes, buddy, no. And I go, hold on, you're shutting down an original thought. And he goes, the fuck is an original thought? I go, this is an original thought. And you do talk to Lyle, dad, shut the fuck up. Yeah, and my sisters are like,

Bert, that's what's wrong with our country. And I said, stop. I said, stop. Rich people will be doing that anyway. They're gonna do that anyway. Why not benefit from it? And say, like, let's put a number. I don't know what the number is.

Four grand of vaccinate your family. And then I, I hate to say this, I would pay it. I would definitely pay. Four grand is just gonna be done with this shit. Yeah. And by the way, there are a lot of families prepared. There are a lot of families that couldn't afford it, obviously, but then my four grand would be subsidized.

I'm not sure that's the right word. Spread out to a bunch of families who couldn't afford it. Right. Lower income families and get them vaccinated right away. So all the time, you'd be doing more good than bad. And then my dad's like, you need to reserve these for people that are elderly and I was like, yeah, but, get them all to me by some.

But yeah, but I just was looking for a way for me to get one. We'll call my dad. We'll see what he does for a living. I'm pretty sure I was 100% accurate. Hey, Dad, I'm on doing two bears, one cave right now so you're on the podcast with Tom and He's doing good. He's doing how you doing mr. Kay

Hey, good. I hope you're doing better though. I am I am. Thank you very much. He's losing weight during this During this fucking What diet Yeah, oh yeah, the broken arm broken like that What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that?

What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that?

What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? I'm gonna let Tom be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be fair, a lot of times we ask Berk questions

and he gives us an answer and then it's like 60% accurate. So, you know. That was that high, and I'm shocked. I'm shocked. You know, there's a lot of embellishing and exaggerating. Don't get it, start it. Oh, I believe me, I think your dad knows. So according to Berk, you got a phone call from a guy in Miami who had a title

company who was a lawyer who explained to you that he was going to consolidate his title company business with the lawyer side of it, which would save clients some money and then you said, I'm going to do that. Is that accurate? No. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. As in most of his stories, there's a bit of truth in it. Yes. It's enhanced. Okay. Can I just tell you that when he was finished with the explanation, I go, I bet that has some truth to it, but it's not accurate. No, it's close. I mean, I did get a call from a guy in Miami. That's true. Okay. But what he did is he introduced me to a client, a real, a real, marriage relocation. Okay. And from there, I started to close these for the

real estate or relocation company. Okay. It grew and matured after that to represent builders and some governmental entities. Okay. He has a, yeah, ask him if he has a title for, okay. Okay. Bert is asking me to ask you, do you have a title company? We did it one time because we had so much work in 2000. When 1992 we opened up a title company in our office and in 2000 we sold

it to Chicago Title. Okay. And then we operated it on behalf of Chicago Title for 10 more years. So but is most of the work that you did, it's real estate related? All of it is. All of it is. Okay. So so when I asked asked Burke when I when he said my dad's a lawyer and I said Did he have a specialty he goes not really but some real estate and I go well that would be like a specialty Wow Interested in my practice. I mean, I really recorded a couple of times and I took him to a couple of closings. I can't believe you do this. It's so boring. So he wasn't like that. I want to

follow in your footsteps and be a lawyer like you. No, he had no interest in that at all. In fact, when he graduated from Florida State after six or seven years, I told Gigi. He's probably got some advanced degree and he's been surprising us. Were you irritated that he took so long to graduate from college?

No, it just flew by He used to take he used to take his shell card and buy beer to shell station I kept calling him I said how can you be putting so much gas in that car? You got a Volkswagen for God's sake, you're putting 40-50 dollars a week You got a Volkswagen for God's sake, you're putting $40-50 a week. That's a lot. That's true, isn't it, Bert? Yeah, it's very true. Yeah, my older sister did the same thing.

She could go buy cigarettes and shit on the shell card. That's right. Yeah, okay, well thank you for the update, sir. It was nice to talk to you. And I'm curious of you. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right, I'm thank you so much thank you all right love you dad bye

so can I tell you how it works yeah he said I got a phone call I I I witnessed what happens when I tell a story or when I hear a story he goes I got a phone call from a guy in Miami says, I'm doing relocation work from Aralent and immediately I shut down. When I heard relocation work, again, I went, fuck whatever. And I start telling the story to myself.

Yeah, I start going and he's like, this is what I'm, I got, I'm printing fucking dollars over here. That's, I make up the story for myself because I shut down because I'm bored I got, I'm printing fucking dollars over here. That's, I make up the story for myself because I shut down some board. Yeah. And so I start telling the story to myself. And as he was telling you, I didn't listen again.

I didn't listen again to him because I was like, This is a pattern in your life. Yeah, but I wonder if I think this stuff in my head is like, it's, I find, I can make it more interesting to me so that I can stay attached. It's why I don't read. Is that when I start reading,

it's why you can't trust me with like data because the thing that interests me isn't the thing that's real. If the thing that interests me is the thing that I go, whoa, razzle razzle. Like when I said to you the other day, once in Churchill lived to be 98. Yeah.

It wasn't 98, it's 90, but you're close. I got close and then I do the thing. And I thought you were for sure way off. Yeah. Only because I've spent time with you. Dude, Prince Philip is all hundred. Is he? Prince Philip is, I'm watching the crown right now.

I'm obsessed with the fucking crown. Keep hearing good things. I heard great things about the crown and he's 99. See? I just did it right there. I just did it right there. I was like, a hundred is still. The crown and Queen's Gambit.

I hear our great. I heard I'm gonna watch out next. I'm obsessed with the crown. And here's my original thought from the crown. And this is just an honest thought. Sometimes I have honest thoughts too heard I'm gonna watch out next I'm obsessed with the crown and here's my original thought from the crown And this is just an honest thought sometimes I have honest thoughts too. I am so glad does Christine have a Chrysler no just step sisters. Yeah, right. Okay. There's no count. I know I mean they count. I'm sure the people I I'm not a biological sister. I am so glad and I was wondering if you felt to say all

Week I've been watching the crown with Liam. Yeah, and all I could think was one thought and I was wondering if you felt the say, all week I've been watching the crowd with Liam. And all I could think was one thought and I was wondering if you share it with me. Yeah. I'm so glad Liam doesn't have a sister because I would definitely fantasize about fucking her non-stop. Wow.

Just out of being regular. Like, I would say that is... But don't you think that fantasy would be dictated on what that sister looks like? Not really. Really? I would always find the sister to be cooler. I remember once I'm meeting someone's sister,

like a girl, and her sister was so attractive that I said it out loud when I met her. Whoa. Are you guys related? I saw her sister and I was like, oh my God. I go, your sister's so fucking hot. I mean, let's go through because Princess Margaret was so much more attractive than Princess Elizabeth.

By the way, if Queen Elizabeth is watching, I am so sorry. Yeah, we don't mean to disrespect your highness. I have so many questions. I gotta take a shit. Right now? Yeah. For real?

Yeah. Okay, go take a shit. We'll take a break. I'll be right back. And then we're gonna really talk about Prince, I have so many thoughts about the royal family. Okay. Oh, I've got it.

Okay. Back on point. And by the way, let's talk about spoof the royal family. Okay. I wiped. Okay. Back on point. And by the way, let's talk about spoofing phone numbers. Now, the queen, yeah. The crown. The crown. I am obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with thinking I would have made

such a great, pointless prince, like a prince who had nothing to do with their lives. Like Prince Philip basically just did nothing, but party does dick off every fucking day. Dude, they start drinking. I think it's just the drinking that I like, which I kind of already do. They start drinking first thing in the morning.

Prince, Princess Mark. Do you like morning drinking? I can't do the way they're doing, but if I had nothing to do with my day, what are they doing? Princess Margaret would wake up every day between 10, 30 and 11, 30. She was given, she gave orders out,

by the way, I watched a documentary about Princess Margaret. So you know there's two princess, right? There's the Stuttering King, King George, and he had two daughters, and his daughters are Queen Elizabeth, who's been queen for like, fucking 80 years. Forever.

Forever. These mother fuckers last forever. They have royal genes, like Prince, which is kind of crazy because you think they have like a bunch of shitty recessive genes because it's all like inbreeding, you know? It's not inbreeding, so that's the thing about the monarchy. It just showed up like, like the one we're talking about right now,

so I'm gonna round like a couple hundred years. Like maybe a little longer than that, but like it's, if you go back to like the one that would put his wife's spikes on the head, the monarchy's been like shipped it around a ton. I am fascinated by the British monotmy point is. You know Prince Philip had to want to fuck Prince Margaret. Prince was Margaret.

You think so? She was a smoke show and she was like, let's see, Princess Margaret. Well, I mean, I mean, smoke show for the fucking like, I'll see Princess Margaret. Well, I mean, smoke show for the fucking before they did teeth and stuff, you know, like go to Princess Margaret. She's a good looking woman, right? Now go look at her sister.

Oh, you can't, I don't think you're allowed to say anything bad about the Queen. Well, you can. Yeah, I guess I can. You can say whatever you want. Like they didn't allow like, look, okay. So, so that's their dad, King George, and then Margaret's the tall, good looking one,

and then the other one that looks like she was in Mad Men is the fucking queen. Yeah, that's the queen. Yeah, she's a little, she didn't want to be queen, but she was on, she had, look, I gotta tell you, she has an awesome fucking queen. Princess Margaret will wake up every morning between 10, 30 and 11 30

She would have seen right here. Let's see them side by side. Yeah What she would have a screwdriver to wake herself up five orange juice every morning and just eat fruit then go directly to lunch Where she would have a stiff gin and tonic stiff gin and tonic right go get her hair done stiff gin and tonic right go get her hair done fucking go out to dinner party through the night until like four in the morning come home To her fucking palatial castle and pass out dude all over again for 78 years She did this for 78 years and I'm like you're like this is my lifestyle dude then she went There was she like bought she got got a house give into her in Mystique in on an island and would go there all the time.

Dude, I'm telling you, I'm watching the crowd and all I'm thinking is, I need to be a royal. I wanna be a royal. And then I was like, I need to be knighted. Like I wouldn't mind a knighting. They can do that. I know, hold on. Here's my pitch.

I know that I've had some hairbrain ideas with our two bears one funding or two bears one holdings. One's my pitch. I know that I've had some hair-brained ideas with our two bears, one funding or two bears, one holding. One holding quirk? Yeah. We need to start. Oh, we need to, we don't, listen, just slow roll it. One day, Prince William is gonna be king. Okay? Okay. That's real. I'm Mark, Prince William's married a divorcee,

or like, he was divorced, whatever. No, no, he's not. He hasn't married a divorcee. Whatever, I don't fucking, I haven't watched into the series that enough I'm just the part where Prince William is is married to Kate Camilla Bolts. No, no, no, no, are you talking about Prince Charles? That's the one I'm talking no so he's he's Prince William is gonna be King one day Prince William will be King one day Okay, he's married to Kate Middleton Middleton., yeah. All we gotta do, if you're British and you are super wealthy and want to school at Eaton and all those things and you're a fan of ours, which is probably not likely.

But if you are a fan of all you gotta do is put some of two bears a good, the Kool-Aid clip in front of Prince William, just very can't all I need is you to throw some of our material in front of Prince William. This is our path to nighthood. Now, he can never see this video because we're going to have to delete this video somehow because we don't want to know that we kind of spoofed him, that we got in on him. We need Prince William.

This is a really good plan. Prince William to become fans of ours. We need Prince William. I'll say it's so clear. I think the way to do this is through Harry. I think you get Harry to see the clip, Harry will share it with William. This is why we're a team right now.

It's sometimes you have a shit idea, let's just go rob the bank, guns out and he's like, maybe we should wear a mask. And you're like, good call. Prince Harry's definitely a fan of ours. Definitely would like. Definitely a fan of ours. He fucking loves us loves us loves us

sure We need someone who like went to eaten. I don't even know what that is But I think it's like a rich kid school to get some of our clips in front of Harry You got a pub you have a pines right talking about this in this chick was like a fucking movie star or something right? Yes, she was an actress. Oh, dude! She's American. Six degrees. What's her name?

Megan Markle? Yes. She's American. She's American. She might have been born in Canada, but she was raised in the United States. California. Google, Google, Megan Markle. See if we have any kind of friends in common.

Was she born at his country or was she born in California? Megan Markle's, they abdicated, right? That's what, that's what, by the way, everyone's like posted John Melanese clip of John Rayson LA. Oh my God, we have to know someone that knows Megan Markel. We literally have to go,

just keep scrolling, keep scrolling. She was in suits, I don't know what suits. Go to suit, see if we did some of that. It's a good show. What's it about? Three-day super-uggers Kanoga Park European acting let's see general hospital CSI deal no deal war at home So I should know this she was a fox. I wonder if we have fucking horrible bosses Yes, she's been a lot of stuff. Okay, we need connections and we're gonna start with Prince Harry.

So we get in with Prince Harry, then ultimately he shows the video and thanksgiving to his brother. Probably not thanksgiving. Maybe the Queen's birthday or something. The fucking the crystal Jubilee and and then Prince William, that's our target. We need that guy to love us because we can get honorary nighthood. Not honorary, just fucking night it. No, we're getting... We didn't see that we can't be.

Because we know you can be. No, no, non-British citizens get an honorary nighthood. Hold on, is that real? Because that's not what I googled. Honorary. Honorary, because we're not allowed to put... But, hold on. There's a thing, I got your answer.

I got your answer. What? You just become a British citizen. Oh. I will abdicate my American citizenship. I'm talking so he's pretty big words. I will just like Prince Edward. King Prince, just like your great, just like your grandfather's brother, I will

abdicate my American citizenship, become a British citizen, if I can become Sir Albert Charles Christchurch III. Why did you want to talk about AIDS today? Oh, because I, maybe I shouldn't have written that down. So, wait, would you abdicate your, can we both abdicate our US citizenship? Become Knights. Sir, sir, what is it? What's your whole name? Sir Thomas Weston, Sigura. That sounds so good. It sounds good. Sir Albert Charles, let's just imagine it, close your eyes, right? We're standing behind these two huge doors.

We're in suits. They wore tuxedos everywhere. We have top hats on, right? Mm. And they're, and we are not with our wives, because they do not match up with us. They're not games. We're nights, bro.

We're just two nights. Oh my god. Wait, do we leave them behind and then stays? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're just in the UK together. Think about all the fucking, it's just, we don't want people to know how old we are.

And if we're with them, everyone's gonna be like, wait, how old are these guys? We want young, just be around young people, Harry and William are young people. We don't want any show up and they're like, oh, our fucking dads are here. We want to. So do we do like a little treatment?

Like do we dye our hair a little darker before the event? Oh, we go. Yeah. We show up and they're like, Hey, how are you guys? We're like 35. We wear wigs. We get, do we get like the,

but we get like movie wigs where like it really looks real. Oh, that's the way. And we can do this the whole time. Like, he's combing our hair back. Oh, wait. Look at it. Prince William, like, off the internet, man, right? He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's just a fan of mine. I think he's just a fan of mine. He's like, these motherfuckers need to be knights. Oh, oh, you know, you know how great I'm of being just to be like, are you a knight and you can just go all damn motherfucker. I wanna, oh, how great would it be to, you don't have to do shit to be a knight. You just and then I think you can get land or something. I don't think you get land. You get.

They haven't gotten to the night part of the crown. By the way, I'm just gonna rinse it. This thing's gonna happen. If someone can just make this happen, I would really appreciate it. And both Tom and I would be very grateful for you. And then we as nights would make you serfs, we'll make you our serf.

Hey, anybody out there that has a connection to Harry, please send him the cool eight clip. Yeah, please, please, please. Please, oh, I think Harry would fucking, I just wanna like, what if he just said, let's do some like cool guy shit, and let's go on my yacht to a beefa. What if Harry said that?

Yeah, and that would be a good time. Oh, oh my God. What if we could be his court gestures? It's sounding more realistic now. And he was like, yo, can you just come in the palace, throw a palace, it sucks. My fucking wife's, is his wife cool? Prince Williams?

We talking about William or Harry? Harry's wife's cool, he shit, she's a fucking actress. We can talk to her. William and Kate seem more like designed to be royalty. You know what I mean? Like they're more popular. Yeah, that's just no, but that the queen you think, but the queen party. She sucked Prince Edward's Prince someone's dick.

But I'm saying they do, they do it all, you know what I mean? Kate seems like she would be like. You know that Harry and Meghan decided that they don't want royal obligations or titles and they left. They don't live in prison. I love it. Okay.

By the way, that's like gangster fucking move. Yeah, I mean, it's like gangster fucking move. Well, you know, because you can't do shit if you're if you're if prince, you can't do shit. No, nothing. You can't do anything. Like fucking, and by the way, I bet Prince William doesn't even want to be king.

He's like, fuck man, I kind of wanted to go snowboarding. And he's like, I guess I can't do anything. Like fucking, and by the way, I bet Prince William doesn't even wanna be king. He's like, fuck man, I kinda wanted to go snowboarding. And he's like, I guess I can't do that. I gotta fucking take an audience with the prime minister today. He's gonna take an audience with the prime minister like once a week. Yeah, probably. I can't wait till he becomes king. I'm gonna throw a king party.

What are you gonna, why? Cause I'm, I don't know man, I'm really into the crown. And by the way, I can't believe I'm only into the crown because John Melanese and Rehab, like, cause he hit into the crown. By the way, I can't believe I'm only into the crown because John Malaney's in rehab. Like, because he hit one of the things, the videos they show, they're like, Malaney's off the rails. If you watch it and you've never watched the crown,

then you're like, yeah, he's crazy. But then if you watch a crown, you're like, no, he's not on drugs. He's just obsessed with this TV show the same way I am. He's not, he's not, he's not on drugs at all. Well, who's not on drugs? Malaney, I'm clearly his, because he went to rehab, but, but you really lost me in the last.

John Malini went to rehab, you know that, right? Yes. Okay. I wish him well. Yeah, me too. Me too, I'm bomb that, he's going through it. But he went on Seth Meyers when they said, quote unquote, he was in the throes of, of, I got you. And he was, he was dressed weird,

which I think was a bit. He doesn't seem like he's on drugs. He seems like it should have been a podcast. And by the way, fucking Seth Meyers was not playing with him. He was kind of like, he was doing this like, no thing. And, and John Mulaney was trying to get a bit going. Yeah. It's a podcast.

If John Mulaney had been on our podcast, it would have murdered, but it's television. So it was his bit about being obsessed with the crown? Yeah, and like how fucking, by the way, it was almost exactly about this. It was almost exactly about this, but because it's television and I guess Seth Meyers, Seth Meyers knows the fucking royals.

Like he's friends with them, really? Yeah, wait. Maybe we should shoot for a different country. To get royals? I can't believe I just did this. I'm setting us up with fucking William and Kate. When we've got Saudi princes who party and are so much more-

And you know what else that they might do? Fucking kill someone in front of us. Like the Saudis will be like, hey, do you want to see something? Fucking this guy. What the fuck? This guy stole bread this week. We're gonna cut his hand. What a tie round his neck.

We're lighting him on fire. And then man, you were like, oh shit. What the fuck, dude? You know who's like super dope dope is the king of Jordan. Oh Google him. Google him. He really has a good time this guy. Yeah, I'm doula the number two Since 1999 so he's brand new in the game. Well 20 years in the game But he's been an internet guy. Oh, it says oh my god

He can gift us herums. He He can do it all why the fuck why the fuck were we going for you know that's where we need to go Jordan Jordan Yeah King a king he's already king. He's gonna wait for his fucking grandma to die. Mm-hmm He runs that good looking dude. And he acts have a good time. Hey, Burt! Sorry for the accent. Burt, tell me.

I think he's American educated. Hey, Burt, Tom! Yeah, and he like, you know, he'll just be like, you want to shoot a machine gun? And you're like, yeah. He's like, hey, who, I gotta do the accent to make it fun. I want to ride the Lamborghini, is that? Yeah, exactly.

I got bitches to suck your deck machine. I'm so poor at the window and go, brrr brrr brrr, when you come, you gonna have a good time when you're in Jordan. That's how Jordan's gonna be. Who wants to live in Lamborghini's? Yeah, exactly. I got bitches to suck your deck machine. I support out the window and go, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr You tell us what you need from us. You want a charity show in Jordan? Fly us over. Let's party. We do it for, fly us over in your golden jet. I'm in. I am with the trip to the show. So fucking in. Yes.

And just full disclosure, I'm probably going to talk about it nonstop. Yeah. And you've got to break someone's fingers in front of us. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, a journalist. Let's watch him fucking someone from Vulture who will bring Jesse David Fox. Jesse David Fox.

And we'll be like, he'll be like, what is this about? He's like, he doesn't like Hannah Gass, he's like, ah! They choose a hammer. Don't you love when these comfortable circle, I can't believe this. By the way, if you have a better Prince or King

that we could get in with, or you are a Prince or King. Likely, who watches this program? Hit us up. I bet King, I can't believe we're shooting for the most uptight boring royal family when we could have gotten... We're going to Jordan.

How great would it be if the fucking Bolsheviks never took over Russia? And we still have Russian fucking... I wonder how the Spanish royalty is right now. There's royalty in Spanish? Mm-hmm. Yeah. The Spanish royal family. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm afraid about that.

Because you and fucking Philip the Fifth are gonna be talking back and forth by my back. And I'm like, what are you guys saying? What are you guys saying? Ooh. He's a good looking dude. He's a good looking guy. I'm a sixth.

I'm sorry, low scanto. Holy shit. Juan Carlos. God damn it. I think that's a good country to have a good time. Give me, I know we're supposed to wrap up. Give me a list of royalty. Where does it still have royalty? Does Canada have, oh Canada does a queen. Nothing. Does Canada still do the queen? No. I mean she has like, you know, it's like symbolic relationship with Canada. Yeah.

Queen really lost her power. But there's some other British or European countries that have royalty. Oh, the, Gimique, some, Gimique's some gettable ones. Like I don't want the Super Bowl to work. What about the fucking, what's the, what's the Super rich place? Monaco. He has a good time. Oh my god, I can't believe I fucking...

I'm so excited right now. Prince Albert. Yeah, that's where you have a... Prince Albert's named after a earring in your cock. This guy, you know he parties. You have the same name. Prince Albert. And he's like, hey, Bert.

And I'm like, what's up? I can do my joke by my name. I think that's wife number two. You mean smoke show number one. Show me with the fucking first one. I think so. How do we become monarchs? Am I wrong? I don't know.

Look at Prince Albert, his wiki. See if I'm wrong. Or did he maybe got married late? I actually might leave my family and my career to become a consort. Yeah, not that guy. We should also Google old queens. Just slide in.

Oh, but they can't remember to go to his personal life. You know, Tom, you and him would have so much in common. The Prince of Monaco, you know he races cars. Oh, he's this guy as a good time, man. Oh, good time. Can you imagine just waking up going, go down. What would you like to do this evening? I'm sitting drinking fucking mimosas on my board,

smoke as the cars, and you're racing cars. What? List of claimants and illegitimate children. Like you know what, self-duck. Paternity suit. Oh, he parties tomorrow. Nicole Kosty. Here we go. Bay of Fieldler. All right. A German topless model.

A German topless model. This guy. Look at him. The fucking with Carl Langerfeld. Yeah. Anyway, we want we need to party with guys where gloves. Tom, look at Carl Langerfeld. Yeah. By the way, we want it. We need a party with guys where it gloves, Tom. Look at Carl Langerfeld, South African swimmer.

Heimdated a South. This guy's the... He's so fun. Oh my God. That's where we're going. Monica. We need... Okay, and by the way, if you're listening and you think there's a better prince or king

that we could jive with, send us your list. And then next next week we won't skip another week. Sorry. We skipped a week. Yeah, it's been crazy Real crazy, right? Obviously everyone knows Jewish COVID and so it's been crazy and I will say I Will say put it on me. I was having panic attacks and we were about to shoot the live show And I was wanted to save and make sure we were all healthy for the live show So it was my fault. I apologize and thank you for everyone who did not give a shit and just hit us up and like, hey, we understand it's free. When, you know, we're doing the best we can. God damn it, man. What is? Okay, I got a change though. We're definitely. I love the king, Prince thing. Yes. What the fuck is spoofing? So my number was spoofed.

What is that? Everyone hit me up and me, I must have one of two things. I must have clicked a link that someone sent me. And then when you do that marketing companies, then grab your number and use their number through your number to call people because it comes up as a number. And for some people it comes up as Bert Kreischer. And then all of a sudden everyone's like, oh fuck. So a friend of ours, I can't say his name, he's now being spoofed, got my phone call and he's like, hello, and it's another dude.

Now he believes that it's someone with ill intentions, that it's a disgruntled comedian or a podcaster that is spoofing people's numbers to fuck with people. And I know for a fact that I've definitely had a problem with people getting my phone number and then texting aggressively, like where it's like, it bothered me, I know I've talked to you about this. And I then fucked with that guy's number

and maybe that was a big mistake. But now my number's been, and my number got given out, I don't know how, I don't know how, so I'm changing my number's been, and my number got given out, I don't know how. I don't know how, so I'm changed my number. I'm changing my number, I'm changing it yet. Well, actually, when you're watching this, it's been changed, but Rogan hit me up. He was like, you're done.

Change that fucking number, because he goes to happen to Jeff Bezos. What's Jeff Bezos' to examine on? Bezos, yeah. So the weird thing about Bezos was he started dating this woman, you know, and then he got divorced. I don't know if you remember that. And there was there was like the inquirer said they were going to leak things they had found, right? Like texts and emails and all this stuff. point being that he hired a PI

and you know. This goes back to the fact that we need to probably invest in our team. Good point. But here's the thing that I took away from the whole story. I was like, wait, Jeff Bezos just has like an iPhone and a regular email account.

Like, didn't you think that the world's richest man would be like, oh no, I have a phone you've never fucking heard of. Like, and you can't hack my shit because Jeff Bayes, no, he has the same shit, same email. Yeah, and his phone got hacked and, you know, messages taken and I guess, I think it was that the ladies, the lady's brother sold information. The lady he was dating.

But it's a really weird story, you know? Yeah, it sucks because, um, he also, he also is watching post. Receives a WhatsApp message. Exactly. That's what Rugga told me. Yeah. And I've definitely gotten WhatsApp messages and I've tapped on them. And so all of a sudden, it is crazy, it says the message.

The message of Saudi Arabia. Yeah, by the way, he parties. I'm totally going to Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia is like pretty much like, like Vegas, right? It's not people. Well, yeah, okay, it's hot. I wouldn't have likened it to Vegas in a lot of ways,

but this guy, I like his piercing eyes. Yeah, look at his eyes. His eyes look at you and he's like, we're not done tonight. No, that's right. Here's the other thing though. He doesn't fuck around. Oh, for real?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would have to be on, on like, He's almost like a rescue dog. Like, you gotta be careful around him. I wouldn't liken him to that. I would just say that like, please don't show him. When we're there, whatever he says,

we're like, that's a fucking great idea. And I'm a boy. So it's yes, you're doing improv with him. You're yes, Andy. He's like, he's like, eh, tonight, I love the fuck. And if he said, like, do you have any criticism of me and what we do here? Actually, I have a few words to say.

And then Tom's like, we agree with you. I would be like, if you disagree with Bert, you can take him out back, but I'm a big fan. Is he's got a bad rap? There's people who are not so cool with what he has allegedly done. Is he friends of Trump I don't know I don't know if he's friends with Trump. I really don't know Like I'm sure time would be like I think the guy's great

Trump's price I was saving 450 billion dollars. Yeah, man, there's so much like here's what's crazy, right? $450 billion. Oh man, there's so much, like, here's what's crazy, right? It's like I was thinking of this the other day, because I've been reading a lot about War, War 1 and 2. And I had read one book, and I'm listening to podcasts and Dan Carlin and all that shit. But I'm obsessed with the variation of privilege, meaning when I don't mean privilege the way

that social justice warriors mean. I mean, when you look at people like, say the Prince of Saudi Arabia, who just saved $450 billion versus the kid in Sierra Leone who is smoking heroin in the morning when he wakes up and he's only eight. Like the opportunities, like that fucking, and then you go to like just,

World War II, where those guys had to get on planes and fly death missions into Japan. Just going like, I mean, you don't have enough gas, and you probably got to have the ditch in the sea of China, but maybe we'll see you later and you couldn't go, hey man, I'm like clearly I'm definitely not doing that. Like you just, you had to go like, I'll see you guys, I hope I'll see you later.

Look for a guy with a parachute going over here. Like that, and you're 19. And you're 19. Like the fact, and the fact that there are people doing that, there are people doing that today that are like soldier, I just, and then I go to me, oh, I got a phone at 1120, like the fact of how vast life experiences are.

Yeah. And how so people just die into theirs and don't think ever about like just people that don't got it good. Yeah, you know what makes you think about it a lot Grativars. Well, sure the virus can do it being in a hospital Yeah, and like you're just sitting in there alone, but actually what you end up what I end up thinking about is like Man, like I'm thinking man. I'm so lucky like I got Great health care people are taking care of me.

People are looking out for me. I have great family, great friends, the great staff, and then you go like, how does people to get hurt? Like just in the wrong part of the world that they just go like, oh yeah, that guy's arms just never gonna work again. Yeah, oh, well, you saw that video

of the guy who arms bends backward because he had a lot of bad ideas. I mean, I've seen all kinds of, but I mean, I just literally would spend hours thinking about that, you know? It's amazing, just how, it's amazing how selfish you are, instinctually, not in a bad way, just how selfish

the average person is, versus when all the sudden things are taken away. And for me, it's only just been on the outside, like watching you go through it, kind of shifts in my perspective, and then another friend, shout out to Chase, who he's listening, I can't stop thinking about him,

you know what I'm talking about. But when someone goes through stuff, your perspective of selfishness shifts. And then when you think about coronavirus, and you just think of people getting it, they don't have the access that like Drew has to like calling his own medications, or at least talk to other doctors and go,

let me get on the Bambalaminivan, or whatever, like just all that access of privileges in the people who just say like, like there's people who would just go, like, I don't know what to do with these injuries. And that's why I wanted to talk about AIDS is how, like so, you're in a very, you're in what they call the fabled cat bird seat.

Like that, okay. I'm using big words. Because you have had coronavirus, and now you are immune to it for the next four months. And by the time four months, the ground, you can get vaccinated. So in a way, you're out of the woods. You saw the light of the tunnel.

It sucked, you had to go through it. Sucked. But it's nice. And you're almost get to raw dog it. Everywhere you go. Kind of. And like the world is your oyster, a little bit, a little bit.

A little bit you're like, one of our roller coaster? Like stuff like that, right? Well, not really, but... And then I thought, what if that was what with the AIDS? What if with AIDS? You got AIDS, right? And then, and they're like, I'm gonna be sick for like three weeks.

And then I can't get AIDS for three months. How crazy would you? How many fuck guys? I'm't get AIDS for three months. How crazy would you fuck guys? Yeah, I hear stop. Yes, I would be do you realize Dix would be raw? Yeah, raw if you could just wake up in the morning like, wake up in the morning and then dig in your mouth like Prince Prince is Margaret going, oh, yeah, yeah, there's a bad analogy.

She's dead. She won't hear it. That what we just extra selves out of the fucking Prince William and Harry. Yeah, anyway, yeah, yeah, there's a bad analogy. She's dead. She won't hear it. They won't. We just extra selves out of the fucking Prince William and Harry. Yeah. Anyway, that's my auntie. That's my auntie. What? Auntie.

What? That's my auntie. That's my auntie. That's what's already we already moved on to Jordan. Now, but, but how fucking I was thinking about as I was pulling up today. I was like and then I was because there are I at one point I just was like I'm just gonna go get coronavirus. I'm fucking done waiting for it because like I'm being safe sucks But then you as safe as you want to be you can still get it and and then I was like I'm tired of just Going to bed every night going will I wake up with symptoms?

Well, I find symptoms of the little night like is the it's gonna work? Did your symptoms come in the morning or at night or during the day? So here's what happened. I remember it was a Tuesday, and I had O.T. that finished, and then P.T. And I was able to get through them. It was on a Tuesday, but immediately afterwards. And I mean, immediately afterwards,

I was like, I gotta lay down and I passed out for like two and a half hours, right? So this was like, so like, let's say I passed out at noon. I was like, wow, cause I hadn't been sleeping like that in like a week. The next day, I had diarrhea and I had really achy shoulders and neck. I remember I was like, God damn it, just aches so bad.

And I was exhausted. Yeah. That lasted. That was a Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I was Feeling those symptoms, but they were less. Yeah, they were, they were getting better. And you're thinking it's all detox from oxides. I think it's completely oxy detox, which is also on their checkboxes. Like if you look at it, I was like reading. I was like, Oh, that makes sense. And then Saturday, I felt like pretty much fine. You know, I felt pretty good. I mean, you know, beat up, but I was like, all right. And then, and then it was confirmed on Saturday

that I was positive. So I was like, oh, that's what. That's what that was. Yeah. Like, it would be cool if you knew that that's the one you'd get. It's almost better to find out the way I did after you dealt with like the shitty part of it.

Cause maybe like if I had found out while I was feeling shitty, I'd be like more anxious about it. That's what I don't want to find out. Like cause I don't want to find out. I'm, me and the dog, I apologize and the dog I'm speaking for you. Me and the dog had the fucking shit dog one

where like Drew test positive and both of us were fine. We're like, well, we'll just wait for this. That sucks. And then you start going like, that's every day. Every day, if you're not inside your house entirely, you just got five days of waiting for shit to show up. And then I was like, if that was what AIDS was, wouldn't you, and you knew you'd just be sick for three

because you'd be like, I'll just take some AIDS. Yeah. And then raw dog for four months, for months. Like I'd be going till the fucking stroke a midnight four months, like just get it in before the buzzer. Yeah. God, making so many people happy. Okay, we learned a lot today.

I think that was a good podcast. We learned that you kinda know what your dad does. It'd be cool if AIDS was like COVID. Be happy if you have a below average or average sized dick. And keep coming up with original thoughts. If you know a prince or king, the chalratus. Chalratus.

Yeah, need to get in bed with us. Holler at us. Yeah. You need to get in bed with the Saudis or Jordanian. Fuck. And if there's someone who's gonna be here. Oh yeah, or the Spaniards or whoever. If there's like a small island, I'm not gonna get in on it. Yeah.

Yeah. We're cool with any type of knighthood, sir something. Okay. Thank you guys for listening. Oh my God. Should I say it now that the very end, people are gonna miss this part. Good.

The hats are in. Oh Good. The hats are in. Oh shit! The hats are in. The hats are in guys, see? See? 2021 is turning it around. So what should we do? Like, so people are watching this on Monday.

Should we give them a few days? Like should we put them in the store on Wednesday? Yeah, put them in the store on Wednesday. All right, so that's what we're doing. If you're watching this on Monday when it comes out or you're listening and you want to remember the hats, the two bears hats. The two bears hats, it took an extra six months

to get them because of the COVID fabric delays. We ordered five times as many as last time because they sold out in 60 seconds, but they're in and you have their fitting. They're warning, they're fitted hats Yes, you got to do your size. So they'll be in the store Wednesday morning and good luck. And thank you. I'm always shocked with someone doesn't know the size of their head. Yeah, I kind of didn't. You want to know kind of see your time?

I went to New era, they gave me the tour of the facility. They designed special hats for me. They gave me all these custom hats. They arrived like 25 hats. None of them fit. I gave them the wrong size. Size eight, baby. That's what I'd never wear them. Size eight.

Yeah. Right there. That's fucking huge. It is so fucking big. All right. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Oh, my TV shows on Thursday nights.

Okay. Thursday nights. Go big show. Every Thursday nights. Okay, Thursday nights. Go big show every Thursday night at 9 p.m. on on TBS. There you go. K.ba essay See you next week The other wears a shirt Tom tells stories in birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur for topology Dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave

There's one cave.