2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 64 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

Become a paid channel member of YMH to experience an AD-FREE version of the show here : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYIgiXwJck_Pb5Nj-wIrsqg/join SPONSORS: - Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to save $225 on your order - Download the DraftKings app and use code BEARS to get a free shot at millions of dollars in total prizes! - Get 20% Off and free shipping at https://Manscaped.com/BEARS - Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code BEARS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free at https://ExpressVPN.com/CAVE - Go to https://FitVineWine.com to order online for delivery straight to your door - Get 15% Off and Free Shipping at MeUndies.com/BEARS - Get free shipping when you go to https://JoinFightCamp.com/BEARS and bring the boxing gym right to your home Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss how Bert watches a movie, Ethan Suplee's weight loss transformation, what David Letterman thinks of Bert, HBO's Tiger Woods documentary, and how they would feel if their significant others passed away. They also watch AEW commentators flub Bert's name, respond to follow-up emails recommending monarchies for the Bears to check out, as well as emails poking holes in last week's original thoughts. Todd and Bart also announce their upcoming Big Game Live Show.

Tiger was watching with us and he's like, I want to be 90 too! You know much fun we could bring in that guy's life? Like Tiger has so much bullshit in his life. He needs some lightness. Like he does, he never got to be a kid and we're still just kids. We're definitely kids. I think we'd astound him with how immature we are. 100%

You fucking pugs now. Just as a snack. We're back. Pugsley was the name of the guy from... I literally was on the treadmill today and I'm like, I'm gonna listen more today. Cause Jorge clavicle? Good start. Or a clavicle.

Is it that his name? Jorge clavicle? It might be. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he look at our side to the tables. I mean, this is how mine is. Somebody's doing the work. I've got coffee. I love that people are like, I'm going to listen more.

I love that people are, I'm gonna finish my statement. They're like, there were problems on the livestream and Bert Dindy may acknowledge it. I am so far removed from that. Yes, you are. I literally am. And that's what I think today's episode's all about, everybody, find yourself a partner. You need, I used to have a joke about this, about you were

khakis and I was Python, like I'm the guy with the Python around his neck, but I did. And you're the guy wearing khakis, like you get shit done, and then I'm the fucking lunatic. Yeah. Well, we have actually a pretty natural, classic archetype comedy dynamic. It's wacky guy, straight guy, basically, you know? Yeah, we're, okay, let's break that deal. It's not even calculated, it's our natural dynamic. Yeah, and I think it's always been that like, it has been, I remember,

I'll never forget the, we went on the road together, we went to Sacramento and on the drive, we drove all the way to Sacramento, did shows, drove all the way back, you drove, and like three quarters of the way back, you go, you know, you don't talk much, man, you don't say much, and I go, that's because you've been talking. I was like, this guy can talk for four and a half hours straight.

I really can't. I know. I really can't talk. And if you want to talk about me, I am all. I remember Leigh Ann got pissed one time because we were at someone's house. This couple. They were actually really cool couple and Emily Ann fucked it up by not realizing that she sent a blind copy blind CC of Her past messages about this woman. To her? Yeah, oh my god. That was it, huh?

You see them again? Not one. And I know the way Leanne talks, I bet she didn't really like dial back how she felt. Uh-uh, and then didn't apologize. And was like, oh, I guess that's me. My bad. My bad. And so, uh, so, but this couple was like,

this guy was really actually cool. I really like this guy, a little nerdy. He was in comic book stuff and stuff, but I never, whatever. He, I have no idea what this story is. Oh, he, one time he was, they were showing us pictures of their vacation. And I, and they were like flipping through these pictures.

Isn't that the worst? Is there anything worse than somebody who's not you looking at vacation photos? Thank you. Thank you. And someone's like, we were in the Bahamas. Do you want to see the photos? You're like, no, not at all.

They won't be able to. Is there sand, water? I said to them, I said to them, I go, they go, Bert, can we take a look at them? I go, is there a picture of me? And they said, no, no, and I'm not gonna look at them. I don't wanna see it. And they're like, what do you mean?

I go, I don't only like looking at pictures of me. We were in Italy, do you wanna see the photos? Fuck no. Yeah, it would be like, what about fuck about your vacation? Yeah. It's crazy, but that's changed because I do care about people's vacations. I've been like, I have cousins who are like,

and then we went to fucking Barcelona. Here's the photos, I don't wanna see that. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. I'm shocked at like, I'll send you the link to a web like where they uploaded the photos and I'm like, not clicking that. I'd rather watch you take a shit

than look at your vacation photos. There are a list of things you'd be shocked. I'd rather do, then look at your picture. Yeah. The worst. I'd rather have my fingernails cut by a blind person. Yeah. Good analogy, huh? There's this digging way into your cuticle. You're like, that's too good. I wonder if fucking blind people how they cut their fingernails. Yeah. Just a lot of guesswork. No, I feel they have a really good sense of feel.

You can just rub them like this they must use files Yeah, I think they just get so good at touch and feel and the sense of where something is supposed to you know I think they just know they just feel it out and they're like oh, that's too far you Be dealing with a lot of physicality issues. Have you thought about like like what if you lost your vision or your hearing? Oh, I thought about all that stuff. All that stuff shows up right? Everything. Yeah, of course. Everything, everything runs through your head at some point about how much worse it could like you realize that when you have an injury, it means like once you're settled into it a little bit and you're like, oh, we're going to fix you,

you're like, how man, there's people who come into a place like this and they go like, we're gonna fix you. You're like, how man, there's people who come into a place like this and they go, like, well, we're gonna do what we can, but like, you're never gonna be how you were. And how that must fucking, yeah, you think about it a lot, man. I remember when I started losing my hair and that was debilitating. I can't imagine. I watched the diving in the butterfly, the diving bell in the butterfly.

Did you see that? The diving bell in the butterfly. Do you see that the diving bell and the butterfly? I sing the wrong thing. Yeah, I don't think that's the the diving bell and the butterfly. There you go. Really? Is it the diving bell? Yeah, it's about a guy who gets locked in syndrome That's what you know so much of my I said to Lee another day. I go how about how about this lifestyle change? This looks like a real bummer fucking movie. This guy gets locked in syndrome. You watch this? Has a stroke, gets locked in syndrome,

and then writes a book. I thought he comes out of it at the end, he never comes out of, he just dies from pneumonia. Oh, for fuck's sake. The whole time I'm waiting for a turnaround. Can I tell you what I do a lot of? It's the definition of a white bummer film. Yes, a French, it's French too.

So you gotta read it. I didn't even see what anyone looks like in the movie. I read the whole fucking thing. You know what I do these days? I swear to God, I will start, I'll see a movie. I'll go, that looks interesting. Go to Wikipedia and then read the thing. And then sometimes I'll even flash down,

I'll even go get it on Netflix. Go to the end and just watch the ending. I did that with, have you seen the platform? Have you seen the platform? I looked at it in a dog like I had watched it. You know what the platform is? No. Spoiler, it is a movie about this guy wants to get his

scholarship or like a scholarship or something. Yeah. And so he signs up to live on this platform. What happens is the food gets lowered every day on the platform. Yes, I've food gets lowered every day on the platform. Yes, I've seen this. It is, I was like, I'm not gonna watch this whole movie. Spanish.

Probably why I'm not gonna watch this whole movie. So I just Wikipediaed it, kind of looked like garbage, went to the end of it, watched the ending, and was like, I would have not have gotten the ending. So I'm glad I didn't watch it. That's how you watch films. That's how I watch a movie. I'm glad I didn't watch it. That's how you watch films. That's how I watch a movie. I'm glad I didn't watch it.

By the way, if I didn't know you and just heard this, I would be like 100% this is an insane human being. Like this guy is fully fucking nuts. I did it today with a Rosario Dawson movie. Which one? The captive. Rosario Dawson, who is doing the go- Go big show.

Yeah. Do you see that fucking promo? That was dope, dude. During wrestling? No. Dude. What? A go big show?

Yes. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You were watching wrestling? Look. Look, man. Hold on. Oh, is this a gag?

No. This was fucking cool. Hold on. One second. One second. Rosario one second, one second. Rosario Dawson is one of the most beautiful women. It goes, it Rosario Dawson and Gwen Stefani are two of the most gorgeous Ariodas and is stunning. It's distracting. It's distracting. And one time one time I was drunk, me and her were at the bar

downstairs at the hotel, masks on. She's a mask covering your leg. You were like, Jordi, you were fucking fake. Can I smell your neck? No, I literally was, I got distracted in talking to her. I was like, your eyes are fucking, I think I actually said to her because I might have been a little buzzed. You? I know.

I was like, I was like, do you realize how distracting you are? Yeah. She was like, huh? I was like, just her eyes are so intense. That you're like, I'm like, how do people talk? You know what's crazy though, to think that like, that is a really, I know you, and I know that's like an innocent comment, and that there's like people out there who are like,

you really shouldn't talk to people like that. Yeah. Oh, definitely. And that she can go to a producer and be like, but maybe on a comfortable set that my eyes are pretty. She had a mask on and it was distracting. Her eyes are, her eyes just are very intense and you're like, I'm sitting there talking to her going,

I don't know what you're saying because I'm not listening. She is amazingly gorgeous. And with Cory Booker, right? Yeah, Cory Booker. And you're like, what do you do? And you're like, I'm a senator and I ran for president. And I love that I said to him,

I go, is that the one with the two good ones or the nine people that can all get it? And he was like, you think in a house representative is like, oh yeah, those shmows. Yeah, that's, he's like, I'm one of the good ones. I was like, God, nice, you wanna be president? And he was like, I tried. I was like, when?

I was like, when? Just recently. Coming back, 2024, buddy. I said, do you win? Because, no, I did that. I like Cory Booker. That's hilarious. All right, let me see the pro. Just out.

Snoop and Cody Rose, a part of Go Big Show. Set your DVRs now to watch Snoop, Rosario Dawson, Jennifer Nettles, Cody Rose, and Hoot, Brent Kircher, on the Go Big Show, your DVRs now to watch snoop Rosario Dawson Jennifer Nettles Cody Rowson This is a fuck you fucking assholes. I'm calling Cody right now I'm calling fucking Cody right now. God damn it. Who is, is that... Bruce Kersher! Bruce Kersher!

Fuckin' Cody right now. Fucking, is that, is that one of their announcers? Yeah, of course! That's two of them. Bruce Kersher. And Bruce Kersher. And Bruce Kersher. What a fucking...

Do you think Cody's gonna answer? He's probably like is this bird cursor god damn it motherfucker no wonder The best was when I got to FaceTime with him. Remember when you called me and you're on set and he was like, hey man, I go, hey, you know, I had a little something with the wrestling community. He goes, come on man. I just fuck, what's the name of that? What's the play that again?

I wanna do that. That motherfucker. Bruce Chrysher. Bruce Chrysher. Bert, Kircher. Bruce Chrysler. Bruce Chrysler. Bert, Kircher. Bruce Chrysler. Bert, Kircher. Bert Kircher.

Who is their fucking, that's a wrestling guy. You know, what happens though, right? No. Is that these guys, is that I show up and I put a fucking smack down on their announcers? Yeah.

Be too middle-aged dudes with cowboy hats up. These guys are like, they're calling it, they're calling a live show, right? They're trying to make it exciting and they just hand them promos and they know Snoop and they hold on to it. And they see KREI and they're like, you're a cursor.

It's fucking Jim Ross. No, that wasn't Jim Ross. That fucking jobber. Like that, a little fucking throw it back at them. Boomer sooner. That Hammond Egger. Who is, who was, it back at them boomer sooner that ham and anger Yeah, who is who who was it's it's it's not Jim Ross give me bird cursor again and Bruce Chrysler Does it get a good cry sir Bruce Chrysler right after that fuck these guys?

Fuck these guys. I'm waiting for Cody to call me back. We know this is a perfect time to segue. Okay. Hey, it's Bert Kursher. Dash, my bad Bruce Chrysher. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fucking so that was fun. And now we can do something that's really like you know in

praise of you you know to balance it out. Oh let's see this. Let's see the clip from Chris Frazier. Great hang on wait. Well the fuck get hang on one second. Letterman. Just watch the A&D promo, A&D. AEW my bad. Cody probably has no ideas. Like I'm sorry man I'm running a fucking multi-million dollar company. Yeah I'm sorry. I'm trying bad. Cody probably has no ideas. Like I'm sorry man, I'm running a fucking multimillion dollar company. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep my fucking head above water and have four fucking different jobs. Bruce. Sorry I got someone got your name wrong. Kircher.

All right, what is this? Okay, so this is, so I got a, I shouldn't share, but I got a text from someone saying that they're talking the letterman and it really fuck, I was in a fucking funk. Like just in a shit day I called you yesterday and talked to you about the thing that bother me. Yeah some guy was talking shit And then I'm part of me was like I probably deserve it. I talked so much shit I talk so much shit. I don't even mean to you know like I wonder sometimes of like people get together and they're like Yeah, fuck per and I would love for someone to just be like

Oh, you know, he just drinks a lot and just talk shit He doesn't mean a lot of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I was like, I probably deserve it. And I was in a bad mood. And then I got a text from someone last night saying, hey, just giving you a heads up. I was talking a letterman about you.

And I was like, wow. And I told them, I was like, that you have no idea how nice that is. Thank you for sharing it. So here. To hear, but more importantly, I needed to hear it. And then I was telling you, oh yeah, I had gotten this clip from Mike Bindru,

who has a series on Showtime called the comedy, about the comedy store. And one morning he just sent it and he said, you know, it was just hanging out with Letterman and Leno and they were saying very nice things about you. A lot of people say that, but they don't mean it. Right. And then I was like, ah, whatever.

And then he was like, here's a clip. I wanna see this and then after it, we definitely have to address that you're wearing pinky rings now. was like, here's a clip. I wanna see this, and then after it, we definitely have to address the you're wearing pinky rings now. All right, let's go ahead. Pink earrings. Pink earrings on your pink. Oh, oh.

Let's see. I see this guy, you know who this is. I was watching, and he's on stage, and he's not wearing a shirt. He's funny. Christchurch. Yes, he's so funny. Yes.

So I'm mesmerized now because I'm thinking that in the course of his presentation, there will be a discussion of why he's not wearing a shirt. But there isn't. And then after a while, you forget that he's not wearing a shirt because his material transcends that. And you know, he does a full hour, never breaks a sweat, which that would be ugly, very impressive.

And that's, I think you're probably right in the genesis of how we went from the five minute TV shot to the hour and 15 Netflix special. Is that's incredible, man? That is unbelievable. I sent that, I got that from bio. It was one of is unbelievable. I sent that I got that from bio It was one of the best texts I've ever gotten in my life I then sent it to my dad and my dad like immediately. I was laying in bed. Yeah

Send it to my dad my dad's like buddy. He's talking about you. It's crazy. I was like I know he's talking about me dad What's interesting is that like and also like the implic like you realize that he watched your whole set He didn't go like yeah watch this guy for a few minutes and I was like, what's up with him? He's like, I was like waiting for the shirtlessness to be addressed and I watched the show. I wish I had a reason, I wish I had like a real reason I don't wear a shirt.

You do. I just want to wear a shirt. Yeah. But like I wish I, I wish it was like, I wish it wasn't explainable bit. I'm doing it on the next special, because I have these scars now and I can't not. You should wear a sleeveless shirt. Yeah, and I'll be like, what?

What are you fucking scars? Yeah. Are you gonna get tatted up now? Oh, yeah, you know me. It's funny because I, like, like I was watching a podcast and one guy was like, one guy said it was like, it sounded shitty, but he was like, well, was watching a podcast and one guy was like, one guy said,

it sounded shitty, but he was like, well everyone's gonna have their fucking thing. And you're like, it's not, I don't mean it to be a thing. I don't mean it to like, and I definitely don't mean it. I just don't like wearing a shirt. The crazy thing is though that it's, you know, it got Dave Letterman's attention, and then he watched it and was like, oh this guy's really funny and really good.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It actually worked in the sense that it hooked him to like, why is this guy not wearing a shirt? And then he was like, and then I forgot. It's really interesting man. Yeah, I wish I could, I wish there was more thought put into it. I wish I had really thought through it by just stop wearing a shirt. That's, I mean, that's the dumbest thing in the fucking world.

And now, and then like, I remember, Rogan, I remember you called me up one time and going, you know what's fucking hilarious? Is one day we're gonna be doing a benefit, you'll be 65, and you're gonna have to take your fucking shirt off. And I was like, yeah. That's true. And by the way, I'll be more comfortable.

And then everyone's like, what if you get ripped? And I was like, yeah. That's true. And by the way, I'll be more comfortable. And then everyone's like, what if you get ripped? And I was like, I would love that. No. Dude, have you seen Ethan Sopli? Yeah. He's, yes. No, he just did a fucking flex off pose. I know, I know.

He looks awesome. He's incredible. Dude, I look at guys like that. This guy is an inspiration man. He really is. There are so many inspirations out there where you look at him and you're like, so Ethan, Jesus Christ,

he, the most he ever saw on a scale, was 538. He was 538. No, he said it was, he ended up going more than that. But you look at like where he was and where he is now. Dude is unbelievable man.

And he's, but you know what people forget is he's a fucking great actor He is a great actor. Yeah, he's a he's I mean his resumes while he's done so much But he is in amazing shape right now. I just saw a picture of him shirtless. He's fully transformed man. He's completely transformed himself He's coming on my Tom Tox podcast. For real? Yeah. How did you meet him? We just message each other.

Oh man. I want, I would see, the thing is that... I find him like incredibly inspiring. The thing that I think that people forget is that working out is not even half of it. Working out is like an eighth of it. It's changing the way you eat. He had to change the way he is. Which means like it really is a mental game.

Like how you eat is all in your brain. You know, like what you become a custom to eating and how you prepare and like all those things are mental game. There's times choices, you know? I'm eating healthy right now. I love that you're burping while you say that. By the way, diet codes have been at that. I've been in real treats for me.

I've been staying away from water. The, uh, I, I've been doing this, uh, this trifecta thing. Remember I hit you up? I was like, I was like, there are meal things. I'm doing it keto. And I, I've been eating healthy. And then all of a sudden, I'll be like, all right, their meal things, I'm doing it keto. And I, I've been eating healthy.

And then all of a sudden, I'll be like, all right. So I'm having like roughly 1,500, 1200 calories a day. Really? Yeah, I do three meals or like 400 calories each. That's all you're eating in a day? I'll snack off some peanuts or whatever. But I'm eating healthy. And all of a sudden my brain will trick me.

My brain will go, hey man, we can't go like this, this is pretty aggressive. We're, I think we're getting sick. We need to put some food in our body. Like maybe we'll have some liquorice. Do you like black liquorice, right? And I'll be like, I love black liquorice. And like, you know what?

Just raise your blood sugar a little bit. You'll feel better. Like, oh, your brain plays tricks on you. Sure. And to be able to go from 600 pounds to I'm sure he's like probably 240 right now. Probably something like that. Yeah. That's incredible.

That is amazing. Yeah, it's really incredible. I don't have that brain. No, I mean, like he, you could tell that he, it's like an absolute shift in his mentality and that he also, I would say, is probably an obsessive type in that, like, once he made the change and, and Saul results happening, he was like completely focused on that path, you know, like on eating this way and staying in shape and working out.

He's probably like very, very dedicated to it, you know. I do. Dude, what do you think? Like, because I know that you are, you said you were gonna run a thousand miles last year and you did. Yeah. And that was like pretty regularly doing it.

Like you were right, like, pretty, by the way, now I look back and it was actually nothing. Nothing? It was nothing because there's, you made a call that you're gonna double it this year. I double it, I'm doing 2000 miles. And I'm at, right now I'm it, I'm doing 2000 miles. And I'm at, right now I'm at 70 miles.

I have to run five miles a day. The next two days to get to 80, which you gotta do 40 a week. 40 a week to hit your thing. To hit roughly 40, with 38 miles a week. So roughly 240 miles a month. Five and a half miles a day, roughly. Okay.

40 miles a week, roughly, and then you get to 2000. And it is, here's the thing, I was like, it's, I'm sorry, like 1600, I did the math wrong, like 1600 miles a month, right? I mean, 160 miles a month, is that what it is? Yeah, roughly, roughly I think. 160 miles a month. 40 miles a week will get you to 2000.

That's what I'm looking at it. Basically, 5.48 miles will get you to 2000. And I will tell you that it is, and I've said to everyone, if you want. And you're hashtagging it, Wolf Machine, too, because Michelle Wolf's doing it, too. Michelle hit me up, and was like, amen, I think you should lower it,

because she did it the first week. And was like, this is a little aggressive. And she runs every fucking day. She's a real runner. She's a real runner and she does it like, she's obsessed with it and she ran. And she doesn't drink like a bottle of wine a night. At all.

Like she runs and she weighs under 250. And she does ultra marathons. Oh, yeah, you guys are the same. And she ran 1,500 miles last year and was like, I don't know if I can add 500 miles to it. And I'm sitting there going, hold on, I've already committed to this. If I don't get hurt, here's a thing,

is that I could get hurt. That's the big, I've heard. You can get hurt. I find myself going like, just slow it down, buddy. Slow it down. John got a 4.5 tonight. Watch the Tiger Woods documentary. Write down Tiger Woods. I wanna talk about.5 tonight watch the Tiger Woods documentary right down Tiger Woods

I want to talk about Tiger Woods right watch Tiger Woods documentary and then I'm like slowly Right now, but right now I'm above Board and I think if I can lose some weight and I'm trying I'm desperately trying so Xanax No, what Right now. Yeah today Today, you way probably, I can tell you exactly how much I weigh. Okay.

I get on on my withings scale. I'm sure that was a sponsor at one point. So I don't, my withings scale, you ready? Yes. I wish I could just send you my login and you could pull it up up there. I weigh 239 pounds. Wow.

I am 34% fat. Okay. I have 62% muscle mass. Okay. 3% bone mass. I can't be good. 46% water and my BMI is 31.7. Okay. So, you want to see what I was at my fattest sure okay By the way, that is just a month ago November 30th oh, I think the next day. Yeah, we played basketball Next day we played basketball I'm a net I was 257 pounds. 37, 38% fat. Jesus.

59% muscle mass. That can't be right. He changed like a couple percent in a month. Bone mass, 3% that can't be good. Body water, 45% BMI 33.9 34. It's well into obesity. Well into obesity. Yeah.

Well, skinniest I've ever been. Yeah. Skinniest I've ever been. You ready? Yeah. Guess what month it was in? It was last year. I bet you could almost guess the date of the skinniest I ever was last year.

October 31st. October 31st. Two hundred and twenty nine pounds. Wow. Thirty-six percent body fat. Okay. So that means... I don't know. Okay.

Yeah. Muscle mass sixty percent. BMI. BMI. Thirty. Just barely fat barely barely fat I'll tell you I lied in the Basketball video about what I weighed when I broke my body

But you said to them 235 pounds no to 38 I said I said. Everyone around will like this. I definitely like it. What were you? 247. This morning though, 228. Are you serious? Yeah.

Yeah. That's great. So here's the one I want to ask though. What? What? Are we going to do a weight loss challenge? No, no, no, the one leg. No, we're not do a weight loss challenge. No, no, no, the one leg. No, we're not doing a weight loss challenge.

But when you're like, I'm trying to lose weight, I want to lose weight and you're working at it, and you're running and everything, what do you feel like is a realistic, not just number to get to, maintainable. So you get to it and you're like, I'm not killing myself to like keep this number going. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Because like if you go like I can get down like even further but then you're like I'll just go right back. Yeah I think in the two 20s. In the two 20s it's horrible to say because I still fucking pretty obese, right? Yeah but I mean also like you and your build like do you want to be 185? Uh, no.

Here's the deal. I would like to get, I would love to break 200 see what that feels like. Yeah, that's why I feel. I would love to get to 200 see that. I know at 215, I am type in Burt Speedo Australia. That's 215. Burt Speedo. Australia, red speedo. Go, go, images.

How many fucking red speedo pictures are there? Keep going, I'm gonna, apparently I wear, I know that's not it, that's not it. It's a, never mind. No, he's so slow, it's never gonna happen. Oh my God. Never mind. It's just I know. There's a picture of me and a you're

Are you doing this with your nose? I'm typing in what you're saying. Okay, go to Bert Australia Christ your book Christ your Kershia cursor Bruce Curious your Christchurch. Cursher. Cursher. Bruce. Uh, Curly? Sure.

Scroll scroll scroll scroll. No, no, no, no, don't click that one. You'll see it. You'll go, oh, that is skinny. Keep going. Keep going. I can't find it. Yeah, it's okay.

When I was, oh, I'll just show you it right here. So wait, how much were you in this photo? How much were you in the photo? In this photo? Yeah. 214, it was on my 40th birthday. I was the skinniest I'd ever been. I'll show you, I can show you.

I love, can I tell you what I love is going to the map? You ever go to the map on your phone and just take a look at all the vacations you've had? No. I'm ready for a fucking vacation. So wait, is the goal weight then 217? Whatever you said it was? I would love to a fucking vacation. So wait, is the goal weight then 2.17, or whatever you said it was? I would love to be 2.17.

2.17 sounds so great. Yeah. 2.17 sounds fucking awesome. I was 2.17 when I shot disgraceful. For real? Yeah. 2.14. Oh yeah, that's great.

That's 2.14. That's a good, you know, that's a good way. That looks normal, right? That looks like a healthy person. It does. 220, if I was 220, I'd be like, oh, I feel fucking amazing right now. Yeah.

So here's the thing, shoot. Are you gonna get to that? Yeah. We'll drink a little bit fine on the treadmill. Oh, hey, look what's here, I didn't even notice. Oh, wow. I'm trying, I haven't drank. The problem is I'm sweet.

Yes, we sort of like, I get to look this graceful image. Tell me if you think this is. How much were you, did you weigh? 217. When I shot this. It's good look, right? Yeah, you look really, you're jacket hanging. And it's like, it's healthier.

I can tell I'm healthier looking and then yeah, I took fucking what a year two years to gain 25 30 pounds from then. Fucking a man that's so much. You're not that far off from that right now. Right now I'm 11 pounds heavier than that. That's not bad. No, I know. That's not bad at now. Right now I'm 11 pounds heavier than that. That's not bad. No, I know. That's not bad at all. Right now, if I'm 19,

well, I'm 10 pounds from my lightest last year. What I say, 229? Come on, we can't fuck this up. We cannot be here doing this. And I'm not drinking. That's the thing that's fucking killing me is I'm not drinking. It's just sweet at the end of the day.

You know, you gotta wake, this is how you have to go to sleep if you want to lose weight It's how you have to go to sleep. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I need something in my mouth I'm like oh my god It's gonna and then you wake up you go. Oh, I feel great. It's your Xanax diet. Yeah, yeah, dude I told you that last night The best way to lose weight take a Xanax at like six o'clock before dinner Yep, and then don't eat go to sleep sleep. It is by the way, recommended by the American Health Association. Why don't they have like a half of a pill of that?

Like, if something, what, can I tell you? By the way, I meant to bring fucking cratum. Oh, really? Yeah, I want to try cratum with you on the show. Well, yeah, I got to follow it for us. What is it? Uh, remember we were running to the monarchs or hang out with them?

Oh, please tell me this is happening. Okay, ready? Yup. I got stuck in Nepal for three and a half months starting in March. The monarchy there has dissolved, but the people don't respect the new government and still call Prince Paris the Prince. Prince Paris is beloved. He's also batshit crazy. He stayed in the town we ran and rented out a whole hotel and just threw parties every night. I got a chance to party with him quite a bit because he didn't care who was there. He has international drug charges, dates, supermodels, shoots at people, drives a Harley and is totally untouchable.

The last time I saw him, he was dressed in a gilly suit and dancing to club music at 4 a.m. Look him up, pretty fun. Plus, you can live like a king there for $300 a month. Thanks. Love you guys. John. So this dude, this is where we're going. This is where we're going Nepal right after everyone gets vaccinated put in Nepalese track suits. We're gonna get Nepalese track suits and also we have to figure out how to get in touch with him Is there any way we can get connected to him? Oh, look at this Tom. The gold one. Yes.

The gold one. Oh, that's our body here. Go to the gold one. I like the gold one. Is that like gentleman tracksuits? Left, far left, far left, gentlemen tracksuits. Are these like, are these Nepalese flags and shit? Oh, look at this.

We need some gentlemen tracksuits. Those are dope. Those are dope. Hey, can you order some of those? Gentlemen tracksuits. Oh, those are awesome. Yeah, can you order some of those gentlemen tracksuits? Oh Those are awesome. Yeah, we'll get some gentlemen tracksuits. We're gonna fight in the Paul That's from the movie. Those are from the movie. Oh, they are the guy reaching made. Yeah, yeah, that was a great fucking movie I know what's the whole thing. You know who's fucking steals that thing though? Let me guess hold on

I mean hang on because I love this movie. Yeah The guy the whole time that I thought was was Let me guess, hold on, let me just hang on, because I love this movie. Yeah. The guy, the whole time that I thought was, was Bane, is fucking great. He's the lead. He's, it's not who you think it is. This is the worst game of categories I'm doing right now. Pull it up, pull up the IMDB. IMDB of the gentleman, gentleman not IMDB just the gentleman

Sometimes it's easier just click the link this fucking guy Oh my god that my daughter's made the funniest fucking joke about the dog in the car really yeah about in the dog in the car. Really? Yeah. Go down. Charlie, who, who man? I'll tell you who stole the movie from me. I'm a punum. I'll tell you who stole the movie from me. Colin Farrell.

Yeah, he was fucking awesome. He is fantastic in this movie. Like that is fucking great. He's like now, like that's a great. He's like now like that's a Character role. It's not like he wasn't above the line, you know the star of the movie for like a stretch Yeah, and now he's doing character stuff and he's fucking phenomenal He's a large dude and you wouldn't expect it Colin Farrell is yeah, really? I saw him at we were looking at the same house at one time and he walked in

Sure this guy's fit. He's so good in this movie. Tons of necklaces, tons of rings. This dude, Colin. And he's large. He's not like a fat dude, but he's like a, he's a regular sized human. Like he's not a tiny little actor.

Yeah, yeah. He's a regular sized dude. Like, I love five seven guys. Thick legs, like, like he's a, he's a fucking regular sized dude. By the way, he used to party balls. I would love to fall off the wagon with that guy. You could.

I would love. The problem is guys like that, their drinking was attached to some unhealthy behaviors, meaning like, I think when he was partying, it was like, I just became famous. I don't really know who I am. There's lots of coke, there's lots of women. There's like fucking craziness. This is who I am. And then he had to, there's lots of women, there's like fucking craziness.

This is who I am. And then he had to become grounded. So I think who he is now is probably a lot better than that guy. But I don't wanna fall off the wagon with that guy. I want him to fall off the wagon with me today. And Ben Affleck. Fucking the three of us, come on.

So I saw him last week. Ben Affleck? Yes. Where in your neighborhood? Shut up. Yeah. How he looks good, doesn't he? He looks great. He in your neighborhood? Mm-hmm. Shut up. Yeah. How you looks good, Dudney. He looks great.

He looks fucking awesome. He looks good. Here's the thing, I'm like, not to, okay, I'm gonna pitch. We have the same place. Quitting drinking. I got that go, look at him. You had the same place? Yeah.

Do you go up to him to the Hey Big Fan? I said, you recognize me? He was like, are you Bruce Kersher? Did you go up and go, hey, you know how your friends are my Damon? He was like, are you Bruce Kersher? Did you go up and go, hey, you know how your friends with my Damon? He was like, yeah, cool man. I got the same thing. We both have a born in our life.

Hey, follow up, monarchy. Another one. We have another one. Let's put the fucking prince of Nepal on ice. Hey bears, if you're looking to get knighted, Denmark is we have another one. All right. Let's put put the fucking prince of Nepal on ice. Hey, bears. If you're looking to get knighted, Denmark is the way to go. Bert would be a perfect fit to be friends with both of our two princes. Crown Prince Frederick is a former Danish Marine who loves triathlons.

I'm sure he's an avid sports fan and a member of the International Olympic Committee. He's the pride and joy of the royal family. Then there's the black sheep, Prince Yokem. Yokem is an alcoholic who goes to night clubs's the pride and joy of the royal family. Then there's the black sheep, Prince Yokem. Yokem is an alcoholic who goes to nightclubs around the country and demands to drink for free while he hits on young chicks. He changed smokes two packs of cigarettes a day and produces his own brand of alcohol including vodka, gin, bitter and schnapps in his castle. He's also an amateur race car driver, so Tom would have some fun too. Yo-Kam has broken the law multiple times, but in the Danish Constitution, it's written

that the royal family can't be punished. They have royal immunity, so there's a loophole to have some fun. Piss on me, beat me, Nicholas. Hey, pull up, Prince Yokem's... Yo-Kam is it? Ho-A-Kam is it? I don't know how to say his name, right? I know I'm fucking it up. Yokem. Yokem? Jo-Kam's yo-Kam's, what is it? Hoa-Kam is it, I don't know how to say his name right. I know I'm fucking it up.

Yo-Kam. Yo-Kam, yo-Kam, like, like, yo-Kam. Yo-Kam, look how many kids he's got. This guy does not pull out. He's got a bunch of kids. He's, blah, either that or he's fucking really in the young kids. Hey, go to his vodka, go to his vodka.

Prince Yo-Kam's vodka, yes. How awesome is that that they like break laws and they're like, yeah, but I can't get in trouble. Prince Joquiems vodka. How awesome is that that they like break laws and they're like, yeah, but I can't get in trouble. Dude, I would have made a diplomatic immunity. A great prince. Do you know there's, do you know there's like, what's my thought? Basically mouth breathers.

Like you know, they don't learn anything. Yeah, they don't learn anything. They don't have to do anything. Like they don't, when they're born, it's better if they don't know anything because you don't want a smart king. Like, then when they're born, it's better if they don't know anything, because you don't want a smart king or prince. You want a dumb one where you can go, hey man, you gotta show up at two and they're like,

okay. So like, they're never gonna challenge us on any like information. They're just gonna be like, do you want another drink? Tom, your race car's getting low on gas. How do you say, fuck every woman in here? Should we do it when we do our trip? Should we go to Nepal? Hang out there and then go to Denmark.

My god go to both. Hold on, this can be real because I know we can do this. We need to do Oh, I love this idea. We're gonna do a royal tour. Yeah, a royal tour. I think we also have to admit red just to give it a shot to see if we can hang out with a Spanish royal family. And what we do is we put out invites that we say basically, hey, we're here to see your monarchy.

This is where we're staying. If you'd like us, just, and we'll put it out on the internet. And if you would like a tracksuit or some hats, we can arrange for that. We dress only in tracksuits. We get new tracksuits for every day. Yes.

We have literally, and we need, oh my god, Tom, this is brilliant because I'm watching so much of the crown. They did these royal tours where they would go check on all their little kingdoms they owned. And so we go to all the kingdoms we'd like to be knighted at. We definitely need it. And we would royal tour. This is fucking genius.

It is. The only problem is those monarchies welcoming us in. We just have to make sure that happens. No, we don't, we just show up. And then we put it out there on the internet. Hey, we are in, what was the one monaco? Stephanie, whatever. Yeah. We're here, Albert, Prince Albert.

Hit us up. And then he's like, you know, one day he'll be like, he'll be like, I got nothing to do. Let's have these two guys come over. we show up in tracksuits matching tracksuits You know they would laugh their dicks off. We walk in and matching tracksuits. We're like what's up? What's up? And they're like so what's the deal? Like we just want a party balls and you tonight is at the end of the day It's all these two bit of it doesn't work It's all these two bit of it doesn't work

We're gonna look like fucking genius. I know we got try it You know everyone in Hollywood's gonna be like burnt top got knighted yeah They talked about it on their podcast and they went on a royal top Oh But we're stupid enough that it may work and then there you know at some point They would be like someone be like what why are these guys here and then someone would be like I don't know It means it it almost leads me perfectly into the fact that you're wearing a pinky ring now and you're not even talking about it. I mean, I'm a pinky ring guy. It's, it's, it is jarring. You know, I think everybody's inside kind of shifts a little bit and they're like, what's going on? Like, why are you wearing a pinky ring? It shows up. A pinky ring shows up. So the first, it informs you. So like, if you see somebody and they paint right away, you, you, you make calls about that person, right?

You're like, this dude checks these boxes. If he's casually rocking a big pinky ring. Yeah. Casually rocking a massive pinky ring, you know, once more distracting a big pinky ring. Yeah, or a big dick and sweat pants like basketball. That poor guy I think about him so much. Getting beat up.

You're like, you are bitch. I have a big dick. I thought about that so much this week. Yeah, they knocked his teeth out. Like loft is hearing and they're like, what happened? They thought I was hard for them. I just have a big dick. Oh, I thought about that so fucking mom.

Imagine like him telling his mom. You know what I mean? Like when she's like, what happened? He's like, they saw my dick and they thought it was hard. It's just big. She's like, honey, I know. I changed your diapers. George, it got this for me for Christmas.

Can I see it? Yeah, please. It's a fucking loud. Oh, it's an owl. It's an owl. It's actually kind of cool. It's a good looking pinky ring. It's a good looking ring.

And so I said, Jesus. It's heavy, right? Yeah, and you also got some fucking thick dicks for fingers, huh? Yeah. My favorite part is that it smells after you wear it for a while. Here you go. Here you go. Oh, God.

Can I see your spray? Here you go, Tom. Thank you. So, so George, George and I, I mean, I'm sure I'm one day talking about this on stage, but George and I are at the point in our relationship where she doesn't really want anything to do with me. And so I'm like, I feel like that's almost exclusively girls. And they're definitely girls.

It's definitely girls, because they start, I mean. Can you remember your sisters when you think about it, right? Because I remember my sister's being assholes to my dad. Yeah. And he was just like, good morning, sweetest. And they're like, oh, God. I'm like, okay. I made them breakfast burritos this morning. And no granted, I was in short, jogging shorts, no shirt with a bandana on trying to get them out of the house to go to, because they go to school to new house. They have to like go to school there. Because it gets them up and it gets their brain. It's not built yet, but they go there.

Yeah. And so, and you can just see both of them. I was like, I mean, you guys practice breeders, but all they can see is a shirtless sweaty dude trying to get them out of the house. So, George and I have not been getting long, but only because she's getting older and I'm just a guy, and it just doesn't make sense.

I wish there was a fucking, I wish, fucking, I try to hit up Nikki Glazer, like Whitney or anyone to talk to them about that stuff and they, I guess they don't really remember it. They're like, I mean, yeah, I guess. And so it was getting bad right around Christmas and I was like, and I love her. I love her more than anyone in the,

I've ever loved anyone in the world. And I can't get a connection with her and then she got this for me for Christmas. And I said I was like, I'm not like anyone in the world. And I can't get a connection with her. And then she got this for me for Christmas. And I said, I was like, I'm not like a pinky ring guy. And she looked at me like, I guess you are now. And I was like, I guess I am. Oh, so that's actually sweet. I'm cool with looking like a pinky ring guy.

If it makes your daughter happy. Isn't that crazy? You're a good dad. Yeah, it's not a sweet guy. You're a good dad, but speaking of dads, I watch the Tiger Woods documentary. Yeah. Have you seen that?

No. Dude, I've heard it's great. It's great. It's great. Now, here's the thing. It's not Michael Jordan last dance. It's not that because Tiger Woods clearly didn't make it. He didn't participate in it.

At all. And you can tell because they kind of trash his dad. His dad? Yeah. As being what, like over the top, like obsessed dad? Not even. I mean, they call him a womanizer. They say that the reason that his dad would like,

his dad had a, and by the way, I don't even like talking about this because I know what a bother Tiger Woods and I'm such a fucking fan of Tiger Woods. But in the documentary, they even say that like, nothing's good, it's a fascinating documentary because I'm obsessed Tiger Woods, but it doesn't make you feel good

about being a Tiger Woods fan. That's a kind of, does it? There's this theory, right, that with him specifically, and other, I guess guess other high achieving let's say athletes that like them chasing Chicks is part of like the part of the DNA of them being champions and that you know I mean like and then it kind of coincided with The time that he was super successful, then all that stuff was revealed,

and then he went into a real slump as a player. Yeah, I think the competitive gene is very much in Tiger Woods. Everything, his dad used to jingle change when he was about to putt and talk and try to distract him. And one guy was like, Hey man, you're being loud.

And he was like, yeah man, you're being loud. And he was like, yeah. I'm raising tiger woods. Yeah. And when you look at that, I think I would have fucking definitely got along with his dad. Like his dad, his dad seems fucking awesome. I mean, like our parenting,

I'm not like that with sports with the girls, but our parenting is almost right on. Really? I mean, I feel like, yeah, he was, I loved in watching this, they want you to hate our woods. They do want you to hate our woods in this documentary. They definitely do. And they actually, I don't think they want you

to like his mom, much either. They don't want you to like anyone, really. I mean, they don't want you to like Tiger. They actually say that if you're white and you liked Tiger back then, that you thought you were being a good white guy because you were sporting a black guy. And I'm like, the fuck, man,

also he was the greatest golf forever. And it was amazing to watch him do stuff. Yeah. And then of course, my brain starts going, you know, if you filmed every single fucking time, my plate golf, I'd have some amazing shots too. Like, my brain actually thought that and was like, have, think about it.

We've watched almost every time the guys played golf, right? Yeah. I'd have a pretty great sick highlight reel. If you could cut it down. To an hour? Yeah. An hour and 35 minutes. I would look fucking, you could do a documentary on me.

If you filmed all of my, I mean look fucking you could do a documentary on me if you filmed all of my I mean just from top golf you had a couple good Just from top golf, but dude Yeah, Tiger he really he had he had like a fucking I mean that was like an organization of hose like he had a whole They break that down dude Dude, they end the first episode. I think it's a three part series or four part series. They end the first episode. I mean, it's really, part of me feels not comfortable with,

I don't need to know the history that well. I don't need to, I don't need to, everything to be unmasked. I don't need all you to take down all my heroes with this new, it's not cancel culture, but what it is, it's like, it's like, you want the truth? We'll give you everything you need to know the truth. His dad was fucking chicks, all by his mom's back.

And I'm like, I really didn't need to know that. I, I, that doesn't help anything. Other than maybe it defends Tiger's behavior a little bit. Is that he witnessed it from his dad? Like it's learned behavior? Yeah, that it's learned behavior, but like I don't need to, I liked Earl Woods before. I knew he was a hard drink and hard-smoking

a Vietnam vet who went in with explosives. Like they'd drop him off and be like, go in behind him and he'll enemy lines, blow shit up. This dude deserves, is it fucked up that in my head I go, hey man, he was in Vietnam, he was doing dangerous fucking shit, he came back, he married an Asian woman, like the guys in open-minded guy, the guys from back then, married an Asian woman, has a kid,

raised as a fucking champion, can we just cut the guy some slack and not go into his history on cheating on his wife? Like can we just cut the guy some slack and be like out of respect for you serving our country? Like, even then I guess that doesn't. But they to do the profile and like get into the psychology of it all He tiger was came home early from college right to see his high school girlfriend and didn't tell parents Didn't tell parents

Comes home spends the night with her comes just house next day Earl Woods is losing his fucking mind Earl and his mom are tigers mom are like losing their fucking mind. Next day, this is what I love about it. What are they losing their mind about? How dare you? You're gonna get fucking pregnant. You're on a trajectory to be the greatest golfer ever. You're gonna come home and fuck some slut.

You fucking out of your mind, by the way, don't put words in everyone's mouths, I'm sure. But you know that Earl's the only one out of the same dad, that's exactly what he said. So I'm fucking whore. You came home to bang an ape. When you're tiger woods in one day, fucking tens are gonna be hitting your fucking escalated with a golf club.

You're like, are you out of your fucking mind? Break up with our tiger woods the next day, right to letter. I apologize. This is fucking over. Your distraction. I want nothing to do with you. God! Fucking tiger's a gangster.

Tiger's a fuck. I'll tell you what, you. God! Fucking tiger's a gangster. Tiger's a fuck. I'll tell you what, man. I'm gonna put this out there. Okay. Tiger, if you're looking for two rider dies, we'll be your buddies. Won't fucking talk trash about you behind your back. Won't talk trash, won't sell you out?

I'd be fucking, I'd love to be friends with Tiger. It can happen. I mean, how fucking great would it be? Yeah. Oh my God, I'm on my, I'm getting like, chill bumps thinking about it. We're in Nepal, right? We're in Nepal.

We're in our tracks, we walk in, the prints in Nepal goes, ah, these motherfuckers, huh? And we go, oh, we have a surprise. And he goes, oh, shit, it's Tiger Woods. And Tiger Woods walks in with us, and he's like, I wanna be 92. You know how much fun we could bring in that guy's life? Oh, like Tiger has so much bullshit in his life.

He needs some lightness. Like he does, he never got to be a kid, and we're still just kids. We're just kids. I think we'd astound him with how immature we are. That's fair. He's got private golf course. Yeah.

He's got quite the pad in Florida. Jupiter Island. See, I can't be friends with him by myself. Right, no, we'll go together. I need you because you can play it cool. Yeah, and be like, and you kind of give me a pass. When I look at like a lunatic, you're like, oh, what are you gonna do it cool. And be like, and you kind of give me a pass. When I look at like a lunatic, you're like, oh, what are you gonna do?

Yeah, me. And Tigers like, he's fucking, that was kind of racist. I'm like, oh. Can I tell you, and I need to know, I need to know like how this registers on, because I drove through Hollywood for the first time the other day. Yeah, you mean?

No. Oh. Dude, it looks like Armageddon came to that place. What crazy. There are lime scooters. Dude, like someone just drove in a truck and just threw the amount of a back up. People ask me like, why are you leaving? I'm like, take a fucking drive around this place, man.

Hollywood's bad, man. Yeah, most of LA is just not good. Hollywood's bad and they have all, everywhere's boarded up still. Because they can't do it. And also, every freeway you drive on here has trash, like mountains of trash on it. Yeah.

I drove up 110, the five, the 101. I'm like, what is with all the garbage on the fucking freeway? It's crazy. It's, I gotta be honest with you, I have not, I live in a little pocket and I don't even really drive much. I drive here and I drive. Yeah and I don't even really drive much. I drive here and I drive. Yeah. But I don't really drive much.

I drove into Hollywood and I was actually shocked because I haven't been in since all the riots have been through there. And here's what struck me. Here's what bothered me. Yeah. And I can't tell, sometimes you know, I feel like, I know that people aren't gonna understand this.

I feel progressive because I feel like I'm ahead of the curve in what I know people's intentions are. And when people say things, I feel like I'm ahead of the curve on them with this. But they have these on Highland. These buildings are like boarded up. Like some of them are like a vape shop or like a convenience store or liquor store.

They're boarded up. And then it says spray painter on the boards. We support Black Lives Matters. And I thought that was the most racist thing I've ever seen in my life that they said that. Yeah, because basically they're saying, this is how I read it. And I could be off on this, but they boarded it up for one. And then they support, we support Black Lives Matters. As if to say, hey, Black people, we're assuming you're going to light our store on fire.

We're on your team. Right, right. It was such a, it was so, it bothered me so much. Well, what it is is, I get what you're saying, because what they're essentially doing is like saying, maybe this will work. Maybe this will work. Hey, we'll write this on here and please don't, you know.

Yeah, that's what you mean. It was almost like saying Black Lives Matters is ruining everything. They're lighting everything on fire. They're torching this whole city. It's almost like assuming that it's Black people doing it. Well, yeah, I mean, I think what they're assuming, I mean, they're making assumptions based on like the,

when was that in May or something? Remember when things really went off? Like, I remember Santa Monica got torched. Like, if you say, if you, okay, so the, I don't know what's gone on in the news yet. It's been pretty wild lately. No, I meant, I meant since we reported this to when this airs. Okay. So like been pretty wild lately. No, I met since we were this to end this air. So like we may be under a siege, but like

imagine if a mat, okay, flip it around, right? Okay. Imagine if the people that are protesting at the Capitol were, we're now riding. And people are boarding up their liquor stores riding. I wear car heart jackets And they're like he wears car heart jackets. We all were I love that he bower second amendment, bro That's I can yeah, I imagine if they were like I hate minorities and everyone's like, okay, he's cool He's cool. That's essentially what I support BLM. Yes He just right like you do you will not take my guns You write that on your and then And then they'd be like,

and the fact and the fact that I don't know if it does connect, but the fact that it would connect that you could write, I listened to Dwight Yohkum and that people would go, don't torch this liquor store, he's one of the good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is the most ass-in-eign I was so- You saw this in Hollywood? In Hollywood, we support BLM.

And I was like, the fact that you're writing that on your board kind of says you don't, it kind of says you think black people towards liquor stores and you're going, we listen to hip-hop, like what the fuck? It really bothered me. And I was like the whole time. I was like, I had to write a bit about it.

And then I was like, this will be over, by the time I was just talking about the two birds, like, and let it get edited like crazy. And then make it was like I had to write a bit about it and then I was like this will be over by the time I was just talking about the two birds like it and let it get edited like crazy and then make it like I fucking Like hey mr. Clavicles, you know what to do? Mr. Clavicle By the way, can I tell you mr. Clavicle? I that's the one. I don't like that end of your thing. No, no I can he's branding it. I understand no shit Sometimes it gets upset. Fuck.

It's, but it, I, it's, it's funny. It's interesting branding because it sticks with me. Right. So it's effective. But it bothers you. It, it makes me forget the video I watched. Oh, I see. Like I watch it at the end and then I go,

I'm just a extra clavicle, whatever. And I, and also it, it's very serial killer-esque. Right, because it has like the mask on. Yeah, it's very like it's very dark. Dark. Yeah, makes you think this guy's into like watching Saul movies. Could be.

Jorge Collabacle. Is that his name? I mean, I can't be his last name. I don't have a real last name. By the way, he is definitely getting a fucking meaming the fuck out of this. Sure. Because there's a lot of guys good at that shit.

So, oh yeah, cause I thought about this, cause a lot of people have died lately, you know? Like, it's obviously in the news, it's happening every day, and here around the world, there's a pandemic, and people are still, you know, there's different things happening. I just lost my aunt a couple weeks ago.

How was she 69? Cancer. Oh, okay, good. I mean, I'm good, but that's bad. It's funny. You hear about a death these days and you were immediately because of coronavirus. You go, how were they? How they die?

Can I get it? It's fucking. Fucking screech has cancer Screech does yeah Dustin diamond. He's in fucking the hospital in Florida and they're like probably cancer I'm like who writes that really who writes probably kind knows mom died a breast cancer And he wasn't allowed back on say by the bell by the way. This is what comes up in my fucking Google news feed Dustin diamond it's serious. Oh really? fearing cancer By the way, this is what comes up in my fucking Google news feed. Dust the diamond. It's serious.

Oh, really? Fearing cancer. Ah, man, that's just sad. Yeah. My aunt was diagnosed in October. Whoa, that's how fast I met. What kind? It was a acute, like, rare leukemia. I just ripped through it.

That's what Dr. Druth thought he had. It's really, really sad. How do you, how leukemia's blood cancer, right? Yeah, and she basically was just like, I'm just feeling like fatigued, you know, like weird. And then, you know, start the test, start treatment. Shit man, like eight weeks later. Eight weeks.

Yeah. I think about that. I think about that, like, that happened to Leanne. Yeah. I think about that. I think about that. If like that happened to Leanne. Yeah. Wait, what? So how sad would you be? I have nine weeks to deal with it. Uh, sure. I mean, like, oh, you talking, I don't know, maybe I'm just under the question. I'm thinking from when she got diagnosed to her dying, I think over nine weeks would fucking... That would be a roller coaster, man.

But then how long would it take you to get over it, you think? I don't know. Like, you mean like, define get over it. Well, you'd be obviously really sad. You'd be very emotional. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, keep going. But then it's like, now you gotta live your life, you know, I would I I am I'm

Hmm, this is an interesting question. I think I would start living my life quicker than people would be comfortable with Yeah, I think that's what I think would that's and then you start saying So would I precalculate When people saw me getting happier? Yeah, yeah, you probably would because I bet there are do you have to be like you'd have to be cognizant of that right? You have to be. Yeah, oh, you might be like ready to go out like, I don't know, the next Saturday. And then you're like, oh, everyone's looking. So you'd have to be like, I'm guessing staying home again for a few months.

I bet there are times where you where you're like, like, I'm having I'm staying home again for a few months. I get up at their times where you're like, like I'm having a good day and then you're like, I better tone this down before someone sees me in Starbucks. Yeah. But for how long do you have to do that for? Six months or longer. What's crazy is other people's,

other people would put, other people put their shit on you. Yeah, and go, hey man, what about, and you know that I fucked myself put other people put their shit on you. Yeah. And go, hey man, what about, and you know that I've fucked myself because I've shared so much about me and Leanne's relationship that people would be like, I mean, there would be people who would be like, I don't think you can ever get married, be married. And I'd be like, guys, it's been six months.

You could get remarried. No. No? No. Why not? There would be people that would I don't think you're a relationship guy that like yeah yeah. I'll say you think you just date somebody. No. I definitely I couldn't I couldn't date someone for a year and no people wouldn't let me date someone for a year. Right. So let's say a year passes. A year passes? Yeah. And then I start

dating someone people would think it was too soon I I think. I think I would be in my head about what people thought about it. I would definitely be in front of that storm going like, hold on, pump the brakes. I think you'd get married within a couple of years. I would start fucking chicks so quickly. I said, I think you'll get married within a couple of years. I would get new relationship within three months of bearing her.

But because I know myself and I just do, I need things. I'm too needy. I'm too, but I'm too codependent. I would get in with a relationship. How is she? Probably 30s. My, I talked to my buddy Tony and he was talking about having another kid and I got so jealous.

I was like 30s, 32, 34. Is she is now? Oh, I was like 30s, 32, 34. She is now. Oh, I know, she's 30, but. But you. Ha ha ha ha. So we're talking about a chick that's like almost 20 years younger than you. That's what you think you're doing.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, yes. Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh my God, what would I talk to her about? Right. So maybe, oh, no, I, oh, god, what would I talk to her about? Right. So maybe... Oh, no, I can't...

Oh, fuck. Maybe 38, 39. Ooh. I don't want to fucking have a 40th birthday party this quick for someone. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, let's do 20 years younger than me. Jesus. I guess.

I mean, that's a respectable... How old is Leonardo Caprio's girlfriend? Oh my gosh. How old is Leonardo Caprio's girlfriend? Oh, here we go. I bet she is a dumb mother. He's 23 years older. There we go.

You're right. So 20, 20 years is good. 20 years. It's an eyebrowsing age gap. Oh, fuck, never mind. I definitely would have to date someone older. Older. Just because not older than like,

yeah, I'm not going there. Fucking more in different phases for the vaccine for Christ's sake. Yeah. Jesus. You know, fucking depressing. She was like, oh my God, I can get a vaccine in March. And I was like, for real, she's like, well, yours is June. And I was like, oh, fuck.

How sad would you be if I died though? Oh my god. I would be more sad. Just so much of my life would change. I got to be with him. I would never be able to replace you. I've known it's only at once today, and I am meeting with you. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I would never be able to replace you. Oh, fuck. I know that's what Leanne was.

Did you hear the whole time? That's of course got that in here. Everett, everett. Never get over it. Never get over it. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I would never be able to replace you. Of course get that name. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it.

Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it.

Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it.

Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never get over it. Never, fuck. Oh. Oh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. I was never gonna over it. I'd be having charity events for you every year.

I'm fucking cry on every show I was on. Oh my God. Oh. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. I love this podcast so much. It's so fun. I don't think I do anything with Leigh

and that this is this fun. What? The Super Bowl. We're doing it. Here we go. The next live show with a new hosting service that has much greater bandwidth is going to be during the suit. We're going to watch the Super Bowl with you with somebody who we will be announcing very soon

Who is um, take your phone see if they replied back. Yeah, I did we've got Someone we're gonna do this. We're gonna watch the Super Bowl with and we're really excited. Yeah, I can't say who it is Yeah, I can't say it. Yeah, I can't say it, but it's it's being worked out and we're really excited about it So you can have so people can start the Super Bowl and turn us on. Yep, and we'll be on before it starts and we'll be just kind of like getting ready to watch it. And then we'll watch the game with you. We can be on a laptop or on a TV on the side.

And we're just going to be sitting here with a special guest watching the game commenting on it, partying, and we'll have some other pre-packaged shot things, but we're really excited about it, and this will be an epic event, we promise. It's gonna be, we're so excited about this. I cannot wait.

It's pretty awesome. It's pretty awesome. This is gonna be a fucking blast. This is gonna be a good one. Then we could never do with our wives. Imagine if I could wipe this Super Bowl. Oh, I would be like, why, why you gotta bring in new people?

It worked good with us. Oh my God, I can't believe that all the things Liam would want, that I would want Liam to say about me. I said about you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay, somebody said they're poking holes in original thoughts. Do you want to hear? Yes, and by the way, I am obsessed with, I think that's why I, yesterday I was on a jog with a jog outside for the first time, fucking nightmare. You can't jog.

You have to have the mask up around here. Horrible. It's really stupid. And I saw people that had signs in the front yard because now everyone wants to put their politics on the front yard. And I thought, my politics are a private matter. I don't want to share them with everyone.

But more importantly, I don't think anyone makes a sign for things I believe in that I would put in my front yard that I would want other people to know. Yeah. Like, I don't think they have signs. Like, and then I was like, I should start making yard signs for things only I believe. Yeah. And then put them in the front yard and then people would be like, what the fuck?

Yeah. Keep going. Okay. So this is poking holes in the original thoughts. Okay. And by the way, shout out to whoever got two dishwashers. I just, convinced Liam, were putting in two dishwashers in the new house. That's a good idea.

It's a brilliant fucking idea. And I told him, and I, I didn't pitch it the way he said it. Because I told him, I said, Liam, think about this. We don't ever have to put our dishes away. We got clean dishes. Oh, we got dirty dishes. Yeah. She goes, I think we do it so that we can always have clean dishes.

And I go, or we keep all our clean dishes in there, and then we pull them in there, and then just put them back in. And then that's where they go. And then I didn't do it the way he did it. Well, this is said that this is the very first one says, problem with dishwasher idea. Oh, fuck, I've already bought two dishwashers. Can I tell you, I've already bought two dishwashers. I, can I tell you, I also bought two refrigerators. I literally, this guy, I was like,

if you got, if it was a dishwasher, it was 400 bucks. I go, if you got 400 bucks, why wouldn't you get, in the end, it's like, well, what about the space? And I was like, fuck it. We don't need that. You're talking about places we're gonna keep dishes anyway. Right. I just bought two fucking dishwashers, good.

Well, here's what it says. The two dishwasher's idea. Where are you supposed to put the dirty dishes when both of them have clean dishes? If you're watching in one and pulling from another, you don't have anywhere to put the dirty ones. Think about it. Love the show, you guys.

Much love, Reed. Thanks, Reed. Here's the problem with transition glass. Somebody suggested that. It's a transition glass somebody suggested that yeah transition glass in all cars sounds like a good idea and truly you drive your car into a tunnel on a sunny day and you can't see and you're fucking dead transition glass stays dark for a few minutes after getting out of the sun big fan Mitch

another problem with transition guys I'm here to poke some holes in the Big fan, Mitch. Another problem with transition was, hi guys, I'm here to poke some holes in the transition. That's the idea. It would be difficult for the windows to adjust to artificial lighting, causing blackouts in highly lit areas of traffic. We can call them bird outs, love, Heather. Oh, fuck, I love poking holes in really,

in original bots. Yeah. Original thought, penis problem hybrid. holes in really an original box. Original thought, penis problem hybrid. Hey, barf and tad. It's a Bruce. Here's an original thought. Penis problem hybrid for you. Why is there not an apparatus made specifically for dick measuring?

Surely the good folks who brought us cock rings and flesh lights could work something out. I'm no engineer, but it should be a flashlight-esque device in which you insert yourself. It would then digitally display your dick size, length, and circumference. Feel free to develop a prototype, Matthew. I mean, that's actually a good idea.

They have scales. Why wouldn't you, I tried to weigh my dick one time. Yeah. It's got some real weight to it. Put my dick on, it was what we used to measure food. Yeah. A little scale. Yeah, I see if this guy will answer. And then I just realized I put my dick on it was what we used to measure food yeah little scale. Yeah, I see if the scale answer and and

And then I just realized I put my dick on all the place. I'm gonna put my food so yeah, oh On that did you remember what it weighed was it a certain amount of ounces like eight ounces? eight ounces I think I don't know either that or that was my dinner last night Just you weigh your food a lot you wait your food all the time. I wait my food all the time. I wait my food. Yeah, I got obsessive compulsive about burgers.

I like to weigh my burgers because I, you know, you get all the fucking, kind of hungry right now. I'm fucking starving just as soon as I said burgers, I was like, did you have mouth water? Sometimes, my mouth waters all the time. You know, the answer is that'ssssshh. Did you have mouth water? Sometimes? My mouth waters all the time.

You know, the answer is that's not a thing. What do you mean it's not a thing? She goes, your mouth don't water. That's like a way they say things. That's not. I can't. No, I said no, my mouth actually waters. Yeah, it ain't water.

You could smell, well, it's not water, it's saliva. It's saliva, yeah, it's like, yeah, my mouth fucking waters. Yeah, it's an expression that means that your mouth is filling with saliva because something has wet your appetite, right? I mean, she's like, well, an H2O. No, she goes, no, that doesn't happen. She doesn't believe it happens.

Oh. And then I'm sitting there defending. No, it definitely fucking happens. Like, just for that, I was thinking about, I wanna get little mini burgers for the girls. They've never had crystal burgers or white castle. So I was like, I'm not swadding again. I was like, I wanna find little mini burgers in LA.

I don't even know where they sell them. I don't even know a place that's got like little mini burgers in LA. So, but I get obsessive about making burgers and I want them all to, when you get like four pounds of meat, you're gonna make burgers for everyone. I want everyone to have the same size burger. It sucks when you make burgers

and then you just do them in your ballpark, and then all of a sudden someone's like, is this a half a pound of meat? You're like, sorry, that was supposed to be for me. I remember not having really made burgers and then doing it in college. I was like, all make burgers and I just made meatballs. Like they were all meat, if people were like, are we eating meatballs? And I was like, oh, make burgers, and I just made meatballs. Like they were all meat, if people were like,

are we eating meatballs? And I was like, I guess, I didn't know how to flat. I didn't know how flat you really got to make them. It's amazing the kids whose parents were divorced and they knew how to cook for themselves. And you go to college and they'd be like, what are you making? You're like, oh, make us spaghetti.

And they're like, you need to put olive oil in that water. And you're like, huh? Then I got olive oil in salt in the water. And you're like, huh? Then I got a little bit of salt in the water. And you're like, I don't know what you're talking about. What's going on with you? And then you pull out just a stick of pasta that's all stuck together. And you're like, how come this happened?

And then like, you need to stir it. It's amazing. You know who taught me how to make omelets? Patrice, O'Neal, taught me one time. And then, and I thought it was so odd the way you taught me. And then Donald Rollins taught me the second time, and he taught me the exact same way. And I said, did Patrice teach you?

And he said, no, this is how you make omelets. And what do they teach you? They season the pan. Mm-hmm. Both of them season the pan. They put butter, and then all their peppers and salt and all that went on the pan. Yeah.

And then they put the egg in. They got the egg really, they on the pan. Yeah. And then they put the egg in. They got the egg really, they got the pan really hot, poured the egg in and then would let it sit there and like lift it up and let it pour under it and then they put the stuff on top of it. And then I, while white person taught me how to do it and they put all the shit in the pan first, like all the,

Donald and Patrice would get the egg, make the omelet, and then put the stuff in and fold it over. Yeah. And then I saw a white person do it in a country club, and he put all the shit in the pan, put it in the omelet, and then kind of folded it over. I gotta be honest with you, I think I like Patrice's and Donnell's better.

Yeah, I've done that. I've made omelets that way, the way that they made it. The way that Patrice and them do you season the pan? I've seasoned the way that they made it. The way that, Patrice and them? Do you season the pan? I've seasoned the pan a number of times. I mean, I have also seasoned like, like beat the eggs and put seasoning in there too. But I've, you know, like put butter or cooking oil or whatever on the pan, put seasoning in the pan and then pour the egg in there too. And I do beat eggs first in there and then any topping out after.

Really? Mm-hmm. I'm like a real black guy. beat eggs first in there and then any topping out after. Really? Yeah. Like a real black eye. Like a fucking, I would love to, I always thought it was like, I always thought it was okay that we had a website where it was like, like these are like certifiable stereotypes that everyone will adhere to, you know?

Like we can make that site. Yeah. Brand new stereotypes.com. And it was like, but it was, nothing was hateful. Everything was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we can make that site. Brand new stereotypes.com. And it was like, but it was, nothing was hateful. Everything was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we definitely do that. Like, yeah, like something like innocuous. Like, do you guys press your jeans?

And then all the people are like, oh yeah, we press jeans. And you're like, why do people like, shut up, we don't press jeans. Do they all press jeans? I'm just trying to think of something. Oh, okay. I'm just trying to think of something. No one will be like, what are you trying to say

about press jeans? You're like, oh fuck, right, right. I'm just trying to think of something that no one will be like, what are you trying to say about press jeans? You're like, oh fuck. Right, right. I remember. It's not actually offensive. I'm trying to think of a good stereotype that is not offensive. Well, let's think about white stereotypes. Smells like wet dogs.

Yeah, by the way, that, how come no, what are some white stereotypes that hurt our feelings? Well, some people don't like that one. Oh, I don't mind it. I actually think I do smell like a white dog. Like when I get wet. By the way, I took a full shower today. Like full shower head to toe.

In the shower? In the shower. I had to tell hot water. Soap and shampoo? Soap and shampoo, the whole fucking kick and goboodle. Holy shit man. The whole, and I actually said, I should tell Tom I took a hot shower today for a long time.

That's pretty cool. I took a whole head to body top. I was gonna get in the pool and then I was like, eh, it would have really depressed you to watch me take a shower right now. It's a whole procedure and you think you're watching someone at the end of their life. So wait, you only can use one hand to wash with?

No, because I can pour into this hand and then, you know, this glove comes off, I take the glove, but I gotta take the brace off, the wrap. How do you put it in that chair? How do you put a shoe on? Can you bend the knee to put a shoe on? Yeah, I can manipulate it and I can lean down and tie it. But, and now, because now it's a little bit,

I get the brace off on Friday, but like it is a sad thing. Picks forever. Dude, like I got, I need help to get it, like to make sure everything's dry so I can slip and really fuck myself up. Oh my God. So I walk in, I sit on a chair that doesn't feel, doesn't give me confidence, it looks like

a shitty chair and they're like, this is the one we have. And then I have to take the brace and the wrap off. Christina turns the water on and then I sit there and like, come back in a few. And then I sit and I shampoo and soap and everything. And then when I'm done, I call her back, gotta get dry, dry the leg and then wrap and put the brace on the leg before I get it. But you have a wrap on your leg also under the brace. Really? Yeah, so I have to put that back on before I stand up.

Do you have to how often do you shower? Now it's like once every two days. Oh, I would just show up. And I would just show up once a week. Yeah, I used to, I mean, I used to love, sometimes I've even gone three days, the longest I've ever gone, but I'll give myself a horse bath on those days, you know. Yeah. Like I'll do what the sponge bath was, which is essentially like towel, wet, armpits,

crotch, asshole, you know, and then just then put soap on it, soap it up so you just have like the funkiest part to your body cleaned. Yeah, usually if I usually if I do get into a hot shower, I'm just hair beard balls and pits. Like just that's it. And then that's it. I don't go with my whole body,

but today I was like took the time. Wow, it fucking sucks. Like I really appreciate a shower now, you know? What day do you think you're gonna be like, back? Like give me a day where you think, I'm gonna actually be like, probably 80% 90%. Well the arms moving really well. Like so the brain here is.

You have nothing on that. No, nothing's on. I have titanium plates in there. So. And it feels good. It feels pretty good. And I have like a range of motion. Like I can actually like move the arm. You know?

You on Pat McAfee was the funniest goddamn thing. That was fun. The funniest fucking thing. You and him and AJ Hawk. Yeah. I was crying laughing. It was a fun time. Those guys were really fun.

Pat and AJ are great, man. I mean, what Pat's done is amazing. I think it's amazing. Dude, both of them, I'm fucking massively impressed. Them and the fucking, what's the other one? Oh, the bus boys. They're not the bus boys. God damn it.

Type in bar stool sports bus podcast. In Nashville. Bus podcast. We actually talked about these guys. Really? I like KFC a lot. I like Kevin. Yeah, I love KFC. He's great. Barstool bust them with the boys. Barstool sports. You know these guys. I do. I don't know. Oh, no, it was me and It was me and Brenny shop type in bust them with the boys. They're but they both play football for the Titans. I think They both play football for the Titans, I think. Bus with the boys.

Why is this so hard? You already have it. You got it. Barstool boards. Sports. Can you get the host names? They sent me some merch and I thought that it was from Dave Portnoy and they've got stolen the girls took it immediately.

Girls take anything they can send to the house. It's cool. The girls. Will Compton and Taylor, okay. Yeah. And their fucking podcast is awesome. What was that? I don't know, what was that? All these guys that are doing podcasts,

I get so excited. Fucking Dan Lebitard. Dan Lebitard's doing the new thing. What's he doing? He left the SPN and now he's starting his own thing. See, here's the thing that I get obsessed with. Yeah. Like, I remember telling someone about Two Bears One Cave

and they're like, well, hopefully you and Tom can sell that as a TV show. And I was like, why? Yeah, that's why I was like, no, we would never do that. And then like, well, when you like to get paid to do it, and I go, we do get paid to do it. And then like, no, but like, big money.

Like, the opportunity to get big money. I go, I think we're good. And then I started saying, what is the price point? Okay, and I put this to Dan Levitard, bust them with the boys, AJ Hawk, and Pat McAfee. What is the price point that you would take to sell, you gotta pick a poor price. You can't say no, cause I know our both ranchers is no.

Netflix says we would like to produce two bears one cave. We wanna do 52 episodes a year. We want to come on every week, but we want to do it. How much do you get? We also want to be able to put in our notes. We're not a big fan of the set. We might like some of their notes. How much would you sell two bears one cave for?

I put this question to them because right now, Dan Levitard had a very successful show on ESPN, and I think on question to them because right now Dan Levitard is he was at a very successful show on ESPN and I think on Series XM and then his contract came up or they were kind of fucking with him or maybe Disney's running out of money, I don't know what it is and he went off and did his own thing and he was, I think he was offered by people certain price points to go and do or he could do his own thing

and we decided to do our own thing but we decided on our own back before anyone ever wanted to do anything. Now that people would buy this show, you know, we can sell this to the Comedy Central and the Fog and Harp, they'd be like, they'd be like, ah, please. How much was your price point? So is your question though, like, how much like to stop doing this? Stop making it fun and start doing it for a business. For a television program. Yeah, to make it where all of a sudden you have like, three producers that aren't really in, they just,

they just got put on our project. Right, I'm not saying that Netflix, whatever, Netflix would probably be a great place for this. And then I had to be able to go in there like, and it's time for the funny five. Hey guys, it's the funny five segment. Yeah, and I have the segments that I don't want to do. And you guys original thoughts did so well.

We want to do some not so original thoughts, and we want you to really promote it. And we don't want a hashtag of Bert's new website, brand new stereotypes. Yeah, I think that's a little off. So Bert, can you dial that back? But hey, that's part of the fun is the fucking broken ideas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how much would you sell it per year? Just this show. Per year, just this show. Per year, just this show. Per year. What would I need to get paid? Personally, I mean, it would definitely be well into eight figures.

Well, I put the number on it was, well over 10 million, like it would have to be like 25, 35 a year. 35 million dollars. Yeah, because you're also paying for the fact that I'm doing something that I don't want to do now. So it's not just, it's not just replacing revenue. It's like, well, now you've, like, now I'm in a bad mood

about what you're making me do. So you have to pay a tax so that I come in with a smile, right? That's so funny, because you forget. Because now, like, now, like, I'm in a bad mood now picturing how not fun your fucking pitch was, you know? So like when they go this is a crazy amount of money. I'm like yeah, cause you fucking ruined my happiness.

So now you gotta pay for it. We did this for free. I mean this was yeah, and now it's fun. I would do this for free. Like I would I don't want to do that. Sometimes I go, I'm like, we'll start talking, I remember when I was talking to Joe and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, save it for the podcast. Yeah. And you're like, oh yeah, good call. Why would we have a regular relationship when we could do it on screen? Which is leading me to because like you just gave a bullet point. So this

is a thing that they wouldn't want us to do on the show. You're like, you're like porn as a talking, like, so what did you watch a porn? Like, what's the porn thing? Oh, what's this? What is this? Oh, you, you want to hang on guys. Tom wants to really hammer in the fact that I didn't, I didn't.

I'm gonna nine foot rim. But I don't, I don't even know if this is what he's playing. What is this? Go ahead. Oh, no, I can't get it. I don't Don't know just make sure we got that I don't know why you played that I wonder if I could dunk on an effort rim now that I'm 17 pounds lighter

No, should I just yes you should try. Let me be there. I wonder if I could reenact your fall. Can I tell you I'm shocked you're not on top 10s plays a little bit on sports center. I'm surprised that like more NBA people didn't reach out. That kind of hurt my feelings. Yeah, it's amazing to look at someone in the NBA do it and go you're not breaking your name breaking your arm. Yeah, and also like uh they're like coming down to get to the rim. They're like It's crazy. It's crazy. Some dudes have like over 40 inch verticals. It's just it's freaky you know. Dude uh did you see BamBam Baklava? Another inspirational dude. Did you see Bamboo and Bach of another inspiration? A little dude.

Action Bronson looks fucking amazing. Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks like a little bit. Do you see him do over a hundred pounds? Type in Action Bronson box jump. Yeah. Action Bronson does a box jump where you're like, shut the fuck up.

A 30 inch box jump. Or you go to the video. Yeah, look at this. Right. This is fucking Action Bronson. Yeah. Hmm, after several misses, felt good. Yeah. He is in great shape, man. And he has acted. He lost fuck. He lost a lot of weight, man. He's my size right now. He's 240. He's 240. He's 240. He was what 360 or more I think he was and dude Look at this look at his workout 33-inch box jump after several misses

Three is game from last week a thousand a hundred kettlebell swings with a hundred pound kettlebell I Deadless raft 445 max 100 Swings we should start surfing when you get back in shape T-bar, deadless rafts, 445, max, 100 swings. We should start surfing when you get back in shape. You know, action-bronson surfing every week. Is he? He's going surfing all the time. Is he out here?

He is, you know, can I tell you, he is shockingly athletic, like really, really, really athletic. Like I say shockingly, I just think people looking at guy like that and you go, well, he's good at rapping, he's good at cooking. Why would he be good at sports? He would have done that as a kid.

But man, he got up on a surf board with just flawless, just hopped up on a surf board. Really? I would love to start surfing. Yeah, probably not gonna ever happen. Christina started taking surfing lessons. When? A few months ago.

Shut up. Yeah. I should want to do a surfing trip and everything, yeah. Hold on. Yeah. When, when you guys doing a surfing trip? I'm not doing it. What is she doing it with?

Her friend. Who? Jess. I want to start surfing. Yeah, the two of them, they went and got surfing lessons and then they're like, we want to go to, you know, Check strip, probably go fucking. Oh my god, I want to go on a surf track.

Party rolls of a coaster rica. My problem is all the things that I attach to surfing is like, drugs and alcohol. Yeah, and you know they're double team in the surf instructor. It's not like that's not happening. Oh, there's coaster rica guys dick fell into our mouths. Oh. But now I can surf. Oh, I would love to, there's maybe I'll do a lifestyle change.

I said, Leanne, I was sitting in the kitchen and I go, how about this lifestyle change? She was like, no lifestyle change. You know my favorite, by the way, because it was really, I got, I'm changing topics on you, but what, it's such, you know, you do get bummed out when you're broken, like over the course of the month, you know? Rehab and, you know, you can't move and you're like, I was gonna take a while. My favorite thing would be to watch that Dunk video

and listen to you. You go, that is impressive. You know that? I say that. Pull it up. Let me hear it. Yeah, and you repeat it. And I would? I say that? Pull it up. Let me hear it. Yeah, and you repeat it, and I would be like, that feels good.

No, I can't get it. Listen to that. Yeah! Yeah! Oh! That's bad, I can't get it. Press it. I just really lost the bet. That's bad, I think real awesome bet.

Yeah, that would be good. So happy. Look at my belly. I know. And then this is, and then two minutes, two minutes before. We should do a time travel script, where we take the videos we've shot,

but then we do videos inside these videos. So in this video, we do this, and then we reenact it, right? This will be the movie. We reenact it, but we come in, and then me and you come in, and I go, like, I go, Tom, don't duck. And you're like, what? I was like, you've done it. You have nothing to prove, dude. I think about sometimes how, right after that, don't I was like, you've done it. You have nothing to prove. Dude, I think about sometimes how right after that dunk, I'll like fantasize that they raise it. And I'm like, I'm good. That's, that's the limit.

Dude, that's what I'm doing on the treadmill. Today, my workout was five sprints, then followed by four minutes of endurance, followed by three sprints, then two minutes of endurance and one sprint. And you're supposed to do your sprint as like a nine. And I got on this morning and I was like, oh, I'm fucking tired, I don't feel that good. And I was like, I just wanna get a quick run in. I'll come back, I'll run again later tonight.

So I start to do the sprint. And I go, you know, maybe I'm saving my life by doing it at 7.5. Yeah. I go, maybe I'm not blowing out my knee this morning. Maybe I'm saving myself a trip to the hospital. How come there's no like spokesman for that? Like David Goggins is always like, is like, you know,

to fuck them, kill it. You can't break me, you can't kill me. What about someone's going, hey man, they can kill you. Yeah, pump the break. You can be that guy. Yeah, that's fun. That can be that guy. Yeah, that's fine. That can be your video. If you run too far, you're going to get hurt.

Just chill today. Yeah, that's your video. Yeah, because I literally was on the treadmill and I was like, I bet Tom was just, he had slowed it down. That, why doesn't Nike have a commercial? Can someone do a commercial of just people getting hurt and then, and then go and maybe don't do it. Maybe don't do it.

Maybe don't, and that was, didn't someone do a meme of you go and just don't do it? Just don't do it. Someone put together that commercial of like epic fails and then have Tom and their every five seconds. Oh, I think Tom will be in there. I don't think you would have to request. Just don't do it.

Wait, so what's the important thing? Why did you mention porn? Oh, it's stupid. Tell me. I was watching this Ken Burns documentary on baseball, have you seen it? No. It's fucking awesome.

And I go back to the 1980s when I was obsessed with baseball. And I was like, why is it not interesting to me anymore? Like, I can watch baseball, but I'm not like into it. The way I was into it, as a kid, when they would Saturday morning this week in baseball, I would be like obsessed with plays of the week. I would be obsessed with it. And I was like, maybe it's the same reason I like porn because I used to be able to watch

that and then go, I'm going to go try that this weekend. Right. And then now I can't try any of those moves. And your porn consumption way down. My porn consumption's up because I go, I watch it and I go, I can try that now on her. Wait, didn't you just contradict yourself? No, no, no, no, I watch porn now and I think,

that's a cool move. I'm going to try that in bed. Oh. And so I can't do that with baseball, so that's why I don't really give a fuck about baseball. I got you. Okay, okay. Yeah, so I was like, maybe it's a correlation of...

Yeah, because you were doing the baseball thing. I was playing baseball every, okay. Yeah, so I was like, maybe it's a correlation of, yeah, cause you were doing the baseball thing. I was playing baseball every fucking day. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna, I'll have a moment where I can dive and get a ball. And now you're like, I'm gonna sit on our mouth. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking gag her out. Yeah.

Oh, I had a great womanly hand. You did? Oh. I like how you specified her. Like I was gonna be somebody else. You know what I did? You know what I did? She's not gonna be totally comfortable with this.

Uh huh. I decided, because a lot of our sexes set up, like where the kids are gone and then we have some time. We don't get sneaky sex anymore, because she just, I don't know if she's not into it. But like, and it is creepy that your kids will be around their fucking teenagers. So, we go, I get out of the shower maybe? I got a shower

upset on the bed and she comes in and say come here. She sits on my lap and I go, I closed the door before right locked it. She had no I'd done that and I start hitting on her and she was like, what are you doing? What are you doing? The girls are the girls is the door closed and I'm like the door closed and locked. She was like, oh boom, I was off the fucking races. Nice. I think it was early, so the kids were still asleep. So they were in their rooms, asleep.

Yeah. Fucking put in work. Yeah. Put in work. And then, and then right as it was my turn, because you know, I do her first, and then I'm kind of, right, as it's my turn, I heard someone go,

Mona talking to the dogs and she's like, this has got to happen quick. And I was like, you've got the right guy. It was interesting. I haven't done one, I haven't done a sneaky one like that. Like where was it? Where it wasn't like, hey, do we have like 10 minutes? Is that, are we cool?

You know, it was nice. I got to go, hey, you ever fuck a cripple before? She's like, no, I know it's temporary. I'm like, it's not temporary. I'm disabled. I'm here at the VA clinic every day just trying to get my meds. You want to fuck? I'm sorry, I like to dig take a book to you with one blink of my eye.

I'm like, doesn't make you feel weird that this fucking hands on you. You like take a finger out of the glove and throw it. I'm just doing physical therapy. God. Oh my god, such a cripple. Do you take the glove off the fucker? Do you keep it on? No, I keep it on.

It adds to the fun. Yeah, it's back or has with the glove. Spowl. Ow, ow. This thing is not playful. That is the weirdest thing. I can't believe someone invented that. Yeah.

They did a good job though. It's really helpful. Really? What does it do? Strengthens your fingers? Well, it gives you a bigger, like it gives you range of motion, more ability than you would have because the tension bands pull your finger back. Oh, so normally your hand would just be like this?

It would just like, I would go like, oh, really? Yeah. So you can do that, and then it keeps your wrist up where I have to like concentrate and go like, so it keeps it up as opposed to like dropping down. Oh. Yeah. When do you get to take that thing off?

I don't know. When you get your fingers back. When my hand comes on. When can you start lifting weights and doing bicep girls? Last week. Really? Yeah, and I have to rig it.

No, I have to put on a wrap. I wrap my entire wrist and hand in a boxing wrap. Then I put another wrap on it. And then I put a weight in my hand and I wrap the entire wrist and hand in like a boxing wrap. Yeah. Then I put another wrap on it. And then I put a weight in my hand, and I wrap the weight into my, I rig it into my hand. So I can, because it's not the arm strength, that's the problem, it's the hand wrist stuff. Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, so I like tie a weight to my hand. Everyone be grateful for your mobility. Yeah. And use your mobility this week. And send us pictures of you using your mobility. If you have it in your heart, fuck somebody who is disabled. Ooh, I like that. We need it. We want to come too. God, I hope it's you. This just disabled for a long time. Why? I don't hope I don't. That's why I'm trying to be healthy because I was like,

that, if that had been me, it would have been a shit show. I would have never done the rehab. I would never do anything Why would you not do the rehab? It's just not that guy. I was thinking about it today Yeah, and you were I was like you said yeah do rehab six days a week and I was like I would have like three. Yeah, I'm working out like every day man And what do they you just do stuff like the grab a soul? Yeah, it's like they're like, you know Can you brush your teeth and stuff? No, it's just like it's just exercises. It's Yeah, it's like they're like, you know, can you brush your teeth and stuff? No, it's just like, it's just exercises. It's basically like it's workouts.

So it starts with like stretching stuff because you got to like warm up everything. So you do like stretches and like, you know, like you just like a series of stretches. And at first it was just that body weight things like leg lifts and side, you know, whatever, hip abductors stuff. And then now I started to wait. So I did dead lifts the other day. No. Yeah, but with lower weight and a raised, like not from the floor, right?

So they raised it up. And then, yeah, I did overhead press, high-small, small, short leg, and again. Well, you measure your leg versus the other leg. Small now. Really? Yeah, it's totally atrophy, yeah. Really? well you measure your leg versus the other leg. Really? Yeah. It's totally atrophy, yeah. Really?

Cause you haven't used any muscle in there. Well not, no, that's not entirely true. I, cause I have been doing all the, all the PT stuff. Yeah, but it's not like the way you use that leg. You're using that leg. This leg is doing a lot of work. Maybe you just keep it that way. Yeah, just limp.

It just, yeah, and just dude, do you remember when a limp was a thing? Oh, it still is. I'll show you I get a new brace on Friday. I'm so excited really it's a bendy brace It's a straight brace. I get to bend my leg on Friday Oh, they bent it the other day in PT and you could feel it Feel it. Yeah, I was like, ah Yeah, it hurts so much. It's your hotel it's only there. Yeah, I was like, ah, are you serious? Yeah, hurt so much. Is your patellite only there? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. It's just the tightness that what hurt was like, I was like, oh my, because

if you keep something straight for fucking six weeks, oh my god, you know, when you bend it, it's not going to feel good. Yeah. You know what we should have done, and I didn't think about this until now, we should have in solidarity, me, and everyone that works here and all our fans should have put a brace on one of our legs for a month so that we could all rehab together. Yeah, what the fuck guys? Thank you for watching. Any text any text? No, it's not.

It's not. Let me see if he. Because I asked I was like, come on, man. Let me know what's up. It's going to be great. Super Bowl Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday, which I think. No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The big game

Sun right right. We're not a lot of fuck you edit that out. No, it's okay. We can say it here. Yeah, I think it's trademark So it won't be like it won't be promoted as Super Bowl Sun. I wonder how bad that lawsuit is It's probably I mean, I think they probably are pretty serious. It's a registered trademark of the I wonder if it's worth the lawsuit for the press we'd get. Okay, Super Bowl Sunday. We are, we're gonna be live streaming a companion show with the big game. The big game, the final game of the professional football season.

And we're gonna be doing it. The final game of the professional football season. That's right. And we're gonna be doing it here with a very notable human being who we will soon announce. Look on our social media and everything and definitely by next week we'll confirm it. But it's not the rock. It's definitely not the rock. So, you know, and by the way, again, a huge thank you to everybody that got the two bears hats. I thought that I ordered enough, but we will get, I don't think we're gonna do those again,

I don't know unless, I mean, unless people, we may do those again, but we have another idea we're working on that is legit. It's remarkable. It actually makes me so excited. It makes me more excited. It might be something I rock every single day

or way too many days in a row. It's, here's the thing. It makes me feel like I feel gratitude that the possibility of this is real just because we're, like I go like, I'm a comedian and this opportunity is here it doesn't even make sense. It's gonna blow your fucking minds it's gonna blow your minds and and I can't wait I hope it happens before

you I start touring maybe in June when do you start touring again October? Well I have club dates from February through the summer and the tour officially starts in August, September. August, September. I hope that we have them before August when we both... I think we'll both be out on the road at some point around then. Yeah. I hope we have them so people can bring them to the shows if that makes it. I don't want to tell you too much, but I hope to see a sea of them.

It's really crazy. It's fucking it's I know I hope I'm so excited. It's so silly that That it's real that it's so silly that a major Professional sports organization is like yeah, Bert and Tom. What's up? The organization is like, yeah, Bert and Tom, what's up? We're pretty pumped. Yeah, all right, that's it. Thank you guys.

For watching and listening, we love you. See you next week. We love you more than we love our wives. For sure. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert, one goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean.

Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur, for toology. Dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. There's one cave.