2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 65 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

Are you ready for the Big Game on February 7th?! Come hang out with the bears and special guest Warren Sapp as they watch both teams face off in the final game of the season. Get tickets at https://livestream.ymhstudios.com SPONSORS: - Go to https://Feetures.com/CAVE to get $10 off your first pair! - Get 10% off your first 3 months at https://Ritual.com/BEARS - Head to https://Policygenius.com right now to get started. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right. - Go to https://vuoriclothing.com/bears  and get 20% off your first purchase plus free shipping on U.S. orders over $75 - Go to https://GetSuperLeaf.com/BEARS and enter code BEARS for 20% off - Download the DraftKings app NOW and use promo code BEARS to enter the free FIFTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLAR Super Bowl prediction challenge! Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode by discussing their upcoming 2 Bears, 1 Sapp "Big Game" live show with NFL Hall of Famer Warren Sapp. They also discuss things normal, sober people do, surfing in Hawaii, the "Nightstalker" Richard Ramirez, Japanese war crimes during World War II, Armie Hammer's leaked DMs, and Vice President Kamala Harris' sorority affiliation.

By the way, her tongue didn't stick all the way out of her mouth. Did I ever tell you that? No. Yeah. Her tongue was connected at the bottom, so she couldn't get it out of her mouth. So she gets like this. How do you normally kiss? With my tongue out of my mouth. Like, eh. That's how you kiss? Yeah. I go into the mouth. And then what do you do with it?

I fucking back it back and forth. Show me. I'm paying it. Like that? Yeah, I go, a lot, a lot. You got like tongue in the mouth. I like tongue in the mouth. Oh, you like the tongue in the mouth? Oh, I like big fat tongue in the mouth. 100% A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- like some guests would be like, oh I'm good, I'm like well you won't be able to hear it. And then they're like, okay, and they put it on and they'll like hold it like this, like to their ear, and then they'll go down, I go,

hey man, that's not the last clip. Like there's more clips coming. And he's like, and then they'll put it on for a second. And be like, yeah, I saw, I'm like, just put them on. What's the fucking problem? Do you wanna hear the dumbest thing I've ever done? What? I'm doing, I honestly, I hate to say it now

because I didn't know it then, but I was doing Fox News For to promote some travel to know you were doing it I didn't know what it was I like like now you say Fox News and I was like oh for real did you wear a hood and but I was doing Fox and it was the first time they ever sprinkled my hair in you know Oh lady goes hey, we'll just break your hair in and I was like huh she goes I do it to what's the guy Glenn backs, I do it too. What's the guy, Glenn Beck? She goes, I do it to Glenn Beck.

Looks good. Trust me, you have some holes in your hair. It'll fill it out. So I was like, sure, she did it. And I was so obsessed with my hair looking at it in the TV, like looking at myself on screen, like I always do. If I'm on screen, I'll look at myself. That I was, I didn't do the sound check.

And so we put in headsets and I didn't pay attention to the sound check. I was like, yeah, I'm good. But I didn't know that there was a I didn't do the sound check. And so we put in headsets, and I didn't pay attention to the sound check. I was like, yeah, I'm good. But I didn't know that there was a reverb in me. So the guy says, hey, Bert, so tell us about the new season of TripFlip. And I'm like, well, and as I go to talk, my voice is a second behind my voice in my headsets. So it's like, well, well, I, I, I, can, can, can.

And I'm like, so distracted. It's like a fucking idiot. I really casually take the headsets out, right? So I don't hear it. Yeah. I then also don't hear his question because he is via satellite from somewhere else. So you're just like,

I just like, I answer it perfectly and I'm like, and I can't wait for the next season. I sit there and I'm like, oh my God, he's probably talking in those headsets. I'm like, grab it, then I hear the last word he says and he's like, a lot of fun, right? And I was like, a lot of fun. It's so much fun.

I did, I had a sinus infection and did radio. And it was one of those morning stations where they're just like, you know, you're in and then the guy who's working the other clubs coming in, right? So you're in there for like 20, 30 minutes. So I had a science infection and I was so plugged up that like I couldn't breathe and I couldn't hear. So I couldn't hear a thing because my ears were completely just plugged up. Do you remember when you ruptured an ear on a plane? No, I didn't. I didn't ruptured an ear on a plane, but my doctor told me if you fly,

you're gonna ru your ear drum. And the same doctor, when I said, well, what can I do? He goes, sit on the left window. And I was like, why? He goes, because your left ear is super plugged up. So if your ear drum ruptures, it'll go all over the window. And I was like, what the fuck? That was his advice.

Can you imagine sitting next to someone and having their ear rupture on the side of your face? Oh my god. And just being like, uh, what was that? Did you sneeze? Oh my god. And the guy's like, sorry, it's my ear. Keep going. So I see, um, I'm in this radio station and I, and I know I'm sick. And you know, I tell them I'm not, they're like, all right, sit here, put these headphones on. I put them on and there's different people talking. I can't hear it, so I crank it all the way up,

but that just sounds normal to me. That's how plugged up they are. Well, as I'm leaving, another guy sits down and he goes, whoa, they check, talk to me. He does a segment and then he sees me like in the break room. He goes, hey man, you have hearing problems? I go, what? You have hearing problems? And I go, no.

And he goes, I just sat in your chair after you left. And that was the loudest setting. I've ever, like, that doesn't hurt your ears and I was like oh, I can't hear Normally I can only thing I've ever had somewhere that is I walked in I did radio with Zane lamprey and I was fucking day drinking like early morning He called me like 10 he was like I'm doing 24 hours straight come over and have beers with me And I was like great I've skateboarded over to his studio. Dude, he had the sickest setup.

He had this, back before anyone had studios and offices, he had the sickest setup. And it was like at a bar and it was so much fun, I got fucking wasted and I was like, I'm gonna go pick up my kids, I'll be back. And I come back and a new guy is sitting where at the mic I was at. And they're just like, dude, what the fuck, man?

Who's shit on this mic? And they're like, I have no idea. It smells like shit, burnt smell. And I'm like, it doesn't smell bad at all. And then all those, one of the guys, I think it was Bird's breath. Oh my God. You're drinking beers this morning,

and it brushed my teeth, I smoked a cigar. Oh my God. I smoked a cigar. You know what I did last night? I went for my jog. I did a two mile jog, so I had to get to five and a half miles. I did a two mile jog, and I brought a cigar. Oh my god. I smoked a cigar. You know what I did last night? I went for my jog. I did a two mile jog because I had to get to five and a half miles. I did a two mile jog and I brought a cigar with me. And I just jogged out, two miles, and then I let a cigar and walked home.

And it was fucking awesome. So psychotic. It was such a great treat. It was an original thought. It was original thought. It was an original thought. Bring cigars with you. Dude, I wanted to...

I wish I was boozing hard. I wish I could, you know what, drink, I drank a Saturday night. Okay, Saturday night, that's believable. Keep going. Saturday night I drank some like beers, but it wasn't fun. Like it wasn't. So I didn't drink, when quarantine started, I didn't drink for like 60 days, right?

And I didn't lose any weight, but I didn't drink for like 60 days, maybe less than that, maybe like 45, 50. 30. No, definitely over 30, but I don't, but maybe 45. In a row? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When quarantine started, okay, and so March April, yeah. And then I had my first buzz, and it was a beer buzz in my back and the new house in the backyard during sunset and it was The greatest buzz I've ever had and I had all these realizations of why I'd never quit drinking because I was like if you quit drinking If you go I have a problem. I'm gonna quit drinking. They don't get this feeling then you don't get this feeling that feeling still With shame, you're like oh, I fucked up. I really fucked up.

So I said, I'm never gonna quit drinking, but I'm gonna do these. I'm gonna do these where it runs, where I don't drink for a while, and then I drink, because this buzz is the best. It's a brand new buzz. It's a brand new buzz. So that's a really inspiring take.

Guys. A great reason not to drink. So I haven't drank since New Year's Eve, right? So with you, I didn't drink New Year's Eve, right? So I didn't drink New Year's Eve and then it's the 817th or whatever 16th. So 15 for 15 16 days. And I go up to watch the sunset and I bring two beers and I drink them fast so it hits me. Nothing happened. And I was like, and then I was like, and then you know, for me, I don't know,

one of the curious, I'm curious a lot of things if people think the way I do. For me, I can tell the beer buzz is over, the enjoyable's over, when I get on my phone and I just start searching things. That is the, by the way, this thing is killing me. It is to the detriment of, think all my happiness. How do these people, I so admire people that aren't really into social media, even though it benefits

me if they are, I actually, you know what I mean? Like I meet people and they're like, I don't have a thing. You're like, how? How did you avoid? Like, I feel like we have to have it because of our jobs, our business. But man, I hate that I am in that cycle of, I open it and I check an email. I check emails.

Is there any emails? It's funny emails is one of the last things I check. Yeah, but it's like emails, texts, and then it goes like Twitter, Instagram, I never check Facebook. I don't, I'm a check Facebook and I take that, I got a lying, I was on Facebook last night for the first time and I had to get my password,

reset my passwords, I didn't know it. And I don't even have it on my phone anymore, I had to do it online, I had to do it on Safari. Yeah, and so I logged into Facebook for the first time and then immediately got sucked in like, shit. God damn it, the one that sucks me in the most is Instagram. I think it's like, I love it. So, and I love the form, I love, you know,

it's photos, it's videos. So wait, we've never really talked about this. So I'm curious, what does your search show up? Because all mine is, is Puerto Ricans getting their haircut. What? That's all I have is Puerto Ricans getting their haircut. That's like you need every fucking picture. Every time, every fucking picture is some Puerto Ricans getting their haircut.

That's your, and I'm fucking obsessed with it. That's like your home. Okay, when I go to my search is Puerto Ricans getting their haircut. That's your, and I'm fucking obsessed with it. That's like your home. Okay, when I go to my searches, Puerto Rican's getting their haircut, okay. People grilling meat, people grilling meat, and golf shots. Oh, and boats capsizing. Yep.

Okay, so. Understand the golf because of, I did that golf show with fucking Michael Collins. I think Michael Collins is named Michael Collins is my drawing a blank right now. Michael Collins is like the, can you google it? Michael Collins, America's caddy. I think it's almost 100% certain. It's Michael Collins. Michael Collins turned me on to, yeah, Michael Collins.

I did it that show with him and then he turned me on to pricing, decimbo, but yeah. And a bunch of golfers. So I got really into watching great golf shots. And this chunk is like a thing. So I can understand golf. I don't know why. And by the way, I love watching Puerto Ricans

get in their haircut. Yeah, no, yeah. I love it. I love it. Like so much. Cause I love when they come in looking like fucking werewolves and they're like cause those lines on this fucking line.

The lines are so defined and clean. I know. It's a good OCD thing for sure. Is that what it is? Do you want, have you watched it? I've seen a bunch of hair. Barber stuff is great. I've watched it about.

When mine is like, looks like it's a, it's a lot of cars. Like cars. Any cars. Oh yeah, cars. Some basketball stuff. Yeah, by the way. That's ironic. Yeah, a lot of basketball stuff.

Some football, yeah, it's like, it's basically all that. Mine's a lot of grilled meats and like grilled and then surfing. Apparently, there was the biggest waves to ever hit Hawaii with this week. Right? Yeah. And so I've been watching. Those have to be unbelievable.

Bro, pull up Nathan Florence Instagram. Wait, do you see this guy that is, I don't know how these guys. Is this guy like? This is this is a guy. So I wish I had all the names Nathan's friend. Go to go to the one far far far right far right. Yeah, that one. Take a look at this guy. He is look at this and Good night Irene and then he comes over the falls. Oh my god. How long do you think how long do you think you would have to train to be able to attempt

to do that? Like, if you're like, I want to do, you know, I've been thinking about, I think you'd have to do year, like years of like baby waves, right? Years. So funny. You say that. I actually, I've been texting or DMing with that with Nathan Florence. And he's always like, yeah, man, get out here. We'll get you on some waves. And I'm always like, I, I really do believe I could be towed into a big wave. Right now. And get in and get out. Not fucking get into the barrel.

But I think I could be towed into a big wave. And I probably would stay longer than I need to. Cause I can definitely wake up. No, you would stay a lot longer than you need to because the wave would dictate that. And I will send an entire production crew if you're willing to go. I'm willing to do that.

Nathan, hit me up. Dude, Kai Lenny, I think that's his name. K-A-I, I think, yeah, go ahead and send a screen. Wait, do you see the waves this motherfucker caught? This guy had the best guy. Dude, this guy, and I'm, I guy and I'm I don't know I don't know him. I don't only know I don't really know. No, look at this. Look at this. Look at this fucking guy. He had the best weekend of waves.

He is in every video I've seen and this guy charged it so fucking hard all week. And I'm well I must have watched a million videos of him look at him still on that wave and then he fails And waves are still gonna be breaking right there because that's where that wave's breaking dude hit another one of his videos This guy is a fucking look it. I mean just absolutely fearless. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's getting towed in right yeah Fucking a man, dude. There's getting towed in right? Yeah. Fucking A man. Dude there's one video that I watched, I don't know, like I don't really know who's watching, I'm just watching these.

I get by the way, if you can make your living doing this, this has to be the great slide. One of what you make. I don't know, but I mean he's gets, you get sponsors, they compete in events, but let's just say you're making a good living, and you're like what do you do? I surf for a living.

See the real unbelievable. These guys, you know what, I follow. So Nathan has a vlog. This guy, Jamie O'Brien has a vlog. What's this guy? This is Kai? Kai Lenny. I think I hope I'm saying your name right.

I'm sorry if you're watching this. But this guy had the best week in Hawaii because every video you saw, he was in it. He was in everyone and he was like, I mean, everything I clicked on, he was in. And so this guy, this is how it breaks down, okay? Let's do a deep dive on this. Because this, I would be curious

to watch a documentary on this. On what? On vlogging. Because, you know, for me, the first person I ever, ever saw on a vlog was this guy, Mr. Ben Brown. Mr. Ben Brown was this British guy who lived in South Africa and just had a blog and it was just a really great photographer. And then I found Casey Neistat.

You know Casey Neistat, right? Yeah. Casey Neistat was... He's got a huge YouTube presence Yeah, I mean Casey Neistat's fucking Impressive what's interesting? I'd say this to Casey and I hope this doesn't come out shitty But like I think he'd say it is the vlog kind of cannibalized his life a little bit and I started vlogging because of him, but you would see And you couldn't there no, there was no like

temperature to take for him to like judge how far and how close to get to the flame or not to get to the flame, you know what I mean? Yeah. So like, he was getting recognized by like everyone in New York and he was loving it, but in a weird way, the vlog became more about like, more about watching someone get famous. If you, like, because he like signed to do with CNN and then he started a podcasting company. So it was almost like watching a guy blow up was what the vlog was about,

whereas originally when I found it, it was about watching him organize his office. Do this guy watching him organize his office one of the most engaging videos I've ever seen in my life? More so than half the shit I've seen on Netflix. It is what was fucking amazing. And then you start getting these surfers like Jamie O'Brien Nathan Florence all his friends. They all have vlogs now and but it's it it's seamless because These are guys who are

Recording themselves every day doing some of the most crazy insane shit that I want to see charging fucking 40 foot waves Out in the ocean like I've watched this guy, Nathan Florence, just simply paddle out. Yeah. And I have smiling because he is smiling, like paddling out at YMA, just he's smiling doing it. And then I'm watching him,

all I'm seeing is the camera from the board and I'm smiling, I'm going, I was gonna be a fun day. I'm not surfing the fucking way. Right, but you're that exciting. I mean, he got flipped, he was like, go watch me get caught inside, which is like a bunch of ways of breaking in your caught

inside. And he was like, I ended up holding my breath. Like, I'm like, like, what the fuck? It's so, I mean, I'm obsessed with it. Yeah. But it's very natural. And to make a very long story short, I will move to Hawaii for a month. I will train with them, and I will charge, I will be towed into a big wave, 100%.

And you think this is gonna happen when? Is it March? That's really soon. I can do it March. I guess it will be you. I'll probably 215. Yeah? Are you gonna get to 215? I'm trying I'm bad dude. I have definitely had a fucking like apparently I've gotten rid of all the

Alcoholic bloat weight and by the way, I'd like to say if we're gonna get rid of words if you don't like being called what you don't like being called I'm like being called an alcoholic. I like that Okay, but you I'm called as a fucking finger pointy word. Yeah, but you'd be... Alcoholics have fucking finger-poignant word. Yeah. Where it's like, you don't have control of everything. Yeah, you have. But I do. So don't call me that word. How you like that?

Okay. How about that? Call me the A word. Or, no, don't even call me the A word. Don't even call me the A word. But to be fair, you said I just got rid of the alcoholic below. Oh, yeah, I was saying that. I'm there. I can say that about myself. Okay.

The way... I know what you're saying. Okay. So... By the way, I'm thinking so we don't have to get into it. Uh, I think, I think if I, okay, do you like my tracksuit, bruv? I almost texted you. I was certain, certain. When I saw this, I was like, he's going to show up in his tracksuit. So I'm going to show up in the tracksuit. I was, I was so certain certain. When I saw this, I was like, he's gonna show up in his tracksuit, so I'm gonna show up in the tracksuit.

I was, I was so certain you would show up in it. I didn't know that you got expedited shipping on yours. But you had yours too. I got mine, I got mine, but I didn't, I was gonna hold on to it cause I was like, maybe he wants to save it for a special day. Where did you see where yours came from? England.

Oh, not mine. Where's yours come from Ukraine? Wait, did mine not come from the Ukraine too? I don't fucking know. Oh, I don't know sewing brothers is in England, right? That's what it says, but the I'm sorry. I'm saying the packet like so I see a package and I'm like I'm like what did I get from the Ukraine and It was shoved into a box like they were fucking shipping people. Yeah, here's the thing. So I see the Ukraine and then I open it and I just see a little bit of fabric and I'm like, what's in here? What the fuck is in here? Like I

thought something was going to be wrapped like a hand, you know, was going to be wrapped in like a blanket or something. Yeah, it freaked me out. And then I was like, oh yeah, the track and I go, Bert's definitely going to show up in in his tracks, so I'm not gonna say anything. I'll show up in the tracks. Fuck. I got mine. I got mine and immediately put it on. Yeah. It is so, it's so well made, right? Yeah, it's great. It's, is it the same one? Exactly, exactly. Damn it. Exactly. I didn't, you know, I almost put it on and then I thought, I don't wanna spoil it, because if I go and I, like that's definitely my personality,

is to steal the thunder from a joke and be like, all on this. And I was like, If there's anything I was certain of, is that you would be wearing this today. I swear to you, I would have bet my life on it. God damn it. Real quick, before we get any further,

it's moving, it's out there. Oh, we are watching the big game, the final NFL game of the season, February 7th, 3 p.m. Pacific, 6 p.m. Eastern, that's before kickoff. It's gonna be Bert Kreischer, myself, and Hall of Famer, Warren, Sap. He'll be here in studio with us. We're gonna watch the entire game.

We're gonna drink smoke, eat great food. We have some pre-packaged stuff that we're shooting. Ooh, I have some ideas too. Oh good. I have a lot of ideas. Hey, here's the deal. If you are not into football and you're like, this might not be for me, don't worry.

Me either. Birds here. Don't worry. It's gonna be fun. I wanna find out. Every time I ask Warren a football question and bro be like do you ever think about like like how come some guys dicks are small in the locker room And then he'll be like what and then you'll have a good time. I want to I want to ask Warren who the most

Intelligent person he ever played with is I have probably like the lowest IQ and then I want to go through a list of people he played with And I wanted to guess the right cues and then we'll see if we like put them on a scale. Here's the other question I was thinking, this could be a fun game for me and you right now. Yeah. Let's go through football players, okay? That got fucked by signing with the team because they shouldn't have lived in that city.

Like, I'm gonna say this, but far of might have been the perfect guy to go to Wisconsin, even though he's a southern guy, and you think maybe he would have been great for the saints. For some reason, branding wise, he was perfect to go there. Right? Tom Brady was great in New England, but he could have been better somewhere else.

You know, like, Perf example, Randy Moss got fucked by going to the fucking Vikings. Randy Mosk's personality should have been somewhere better. It was like the Vikings were like, you know, he just, he was, he was always a fish out of water there. It wasn't like home to him. Right, he's a West Virginia guy and he has like,

I mean, he even, he speaks with like a Southern draw. But he loves hunting fish and. That's what I'm saying. So Southern cities would have been like Titans or Titans or Titans would have been great for Andy more You know, we would have loved because and then also think like I like I was trying to think like Because Philip Rivers just retired today Right. Yeah, and and I was like I was like you know He kind of I always thought he was perfect for San Diego

And then someone's like oh you know, he's a redneck Who Philip reverse? Oh, yeah, and I was like oh shut up. So he didn't belong You know what it is. It's Jerry McGuire. It's you know what it is. It's Bill Who's the guy played for the bills Jim Kelly Jim Kelly was like fuck that by the way almost everybody that goes the buffalo's like fuck that was like fuck that by the way almost everybody that goes to Buffalo's like fuck that that town so embraces all their sports and their players and like you play for the team they embrace for every every fucking guy that goes there's like I got to get the fuck out of here what's great is they love Jim Kelly after he was like fuck that I'm not going there yeah and then they came in with sloppy seconds like

I guess the except those are the USFL's done so hopefully for you guys I'm not going there. And then he came in with sloppy seconds. Like I guess the XFL's, or the USFL's done. So I'll play for you guys. And I'm like, we love you. I mean, I remember Willis McGay being like, man, this place is cold and shit to do. Like, like, do you think Warren was perfect playing for Tampa or do you think he would have made a better dolphin? Oh, that's a good question.

I think it was pretty perfect in Tampa. I mean, it was too. He loves fishing. Yeah, he loves the outdoors. Outdoors. Yeah, I mean, it's a great, and it's home for him. He's a Florida guy. Tri-Agment. Perfect cowboy. That's a good one. Right? Yeah. Okay. Perfect cowboy. So, uh, let's take, let's take a Hall of Famer. Give me a list of Hall of Fam. Oh, by the way, we didn't mention the URL for the show. Oh, the URLs changed. It's live stream.ymhstudios.com. Live stream.ymhstudios.com.

Tickets are on sale. You can also go to our bios, Instagram. You can go to our stories, swipe up. We have the ticket and everything. Everything's up there. It's going to be super fun. Yes. Super, super fun. And it's going to be, I literally, we have the ticket and everything. Everything's up there, it's gonna be super fun. Yes. Super, super fun.

And it's gonna be, I literally, I have been, I have been talking to catering companies about, like catering. Oh, can I tell you, I actually wanted to do a cooking segment on like a mashup of something's burning. Oh, okay. And do, and do like the big game nachos. Oh, perfect.

Or something like that, I'll say. That's a good idea. I think it's gonna be a fun time and I'm gonna get fucking wasted because I haven't drank. I will have only drank, I'm gonna drink for Winston Churchill Day this Sunday. Okay.

But I've been barely drinking. Here's my question. And you really, is the goal, you wanna see two, one, five on the scale? That's like where we're headed? I wanna see two, one, five. I'll be fucking amazing. Yeah.

But you know what? I had a full bloat. Do you, when you have a cheat day where you go like, comedy, like yesterday, four crispy cream donuts, cheeseburger, like I just fucking went ham. Do you gain like five pounds? I mean, you can.

Okay, okay. Okay, because I have a list of things that I wonder what regular people do. Yeah, versus what? Like, go hand on some. Let's start with Wagey now. Okay. When you wake up as a regular person,

like no booze whatsoever. Do you, does it take you a little bit to wake up? I'm a very slow riser. Oh god, dammit. I thought I had fucking Alzheimer's. The only time I ever like shoot up out of bed is for a flight. Like when I get like nervous, I get like anxiety about the flight. So you know, especially if they're like Carl be there at 5 a.m. or something.

I'm like, all right. And then when I hear that go off, I'm just like, I sit up and I get ready to go. But on a regular day like today,, yeah man, it's slow. I always wake up. I mean, I didn't, because when I'm drinking, I think my wake up is a little more panicked. Yeah. Let's get the fuck out of bed, asshole.

Cause you were drinking? Cause I was drinking in a little punitive, so I wake up and I'm like, hey man, you wanted to go hard last night? You went hard, but you're getting up now. We're getting on the treadmill. Man, I was in bed today and I'm just like, fell back asleep and then opened my eyes all of a sudden,

it's 8.30, I'm supposed to be on the treadmill at 8. And I'm like, fuck. Wait, so when do your eyes open? 8? Like, at 8 o'clock I started like, when you go to sleep about last night, or I can tell you by my whoop. Okay, tell me.

By the way, hey whoop, let's make a thing where I can change the sleep. Cause sometimes it tells me I got no sleep, I'm like, I had a great night sleep. I like to, like last night, 42%. This is what they're saying. Bullshit, I slept eight and a half hours. God, I went to bed at,

where's it tell you where you're getting the bed? It'll tell you, well, if you look in sleep, it'll, you know, show you when it started, when it ended. Time in bed. Right. Nine hours in bed. So how much time of sleep?

Eight hours and 22 minutes. So you went to bed like just before midnight, like 1140? I went to bed, probably like 1130. I've been listening, I've been really obsessed with the, with history lately. We'll talk about that in a second. I've been listening. I've been really obsessed with history lately. We'll talk about that in a second.

I like that. You referred me to the Dictators podcast, which is really good. It's so fucking good. Really good. It's so, dude, let's talk about history in a second. Let's get back to what regular people do. So, waking up takes while.

You get up and then all of a sudden it's like, you're like, I'm not gonna be able to work out today. Like, I am fucking still asleep. Do you do this where I tell myself when I wake up? Resist. It's like in cock today. Resist, second cock today. Resist the like the urge to check your phone immediately.

Oh, oh, oh, because I'll instinctively do it, but then sometimes I'll tell myself even just can you wait two minutes just to like you know the present in the room I I One I actually noted one of the most depressing things in the world is waking up not realizing you're kind of getting on your phone And then Instagram goes you put on your phone for you've been on Instagram for 30 minutes and you're like It says it's I have an alert that says you've been off for 30 minutes, and I'm like What the fuck and I don't even cut Puerto Rican guys's hair. Yeah, I really think I could cut a Puerto Rican guys there

I think the amount of videos you watch now. I've almost I'm almost certain I could cut a Puerto Rican I'm almost I'd actually bet money I could cut a Puerto Rican. I'm almost, I'd actually bet money. I could cut a Puerto Rican guy's hair better than a Puerto Rican guy. The average Puerto Rican guy could cut a Puerto Rican guy's hair. Well, I know you say. I don't know if I'm sure these guys are all Puerto Rican. I'm just keep saying they're all.

I can tell you for sure they're not. They're not? They're not all Puerto Rican. But it is, it does paint a picture when you say it. Send me to East Harlem. I guarantee you Spanish Harlem. I will fuck up dudes here. I can set up shop right now and know how to cut hair and put like fucking designs in it.

Mm-hmm. Um, the... What's another normal person thing that you're worried about? Okay. So last night it's windy. Was it windy where you were? Yes. Does, do normal people go like, do were? Yes. Does normal people go, like,

do their heart skip a beat and they go, oh, you should get fucking hammered right now. Like, just every time the wind blows. I don't think so. I don't think so. But some people will say that they feel that way, but I don't think most people feel that way. And then what's, hey, write down Ryan Sikler in there too.

And then what's the difference between that and what makes someone broken with like, because I'm trying to judge, like, is it normal? Because it's like beautiful, it's windy. And then I go, oh, cigar and a cocktail would be nice right now, that's normal. That's normal. And then I go, you wanna work out tomorrow?

You wanna feel healthy tomorrow? Don't drink. And then I was like, go for a jog and get a cigar. And then I was like, go for a jog. And then cigar. And then I was like, go for a jog. And then I was like, you know, we can't really jog with a cocktail. And then it's why then I did the jog in the scar. But how often do you think about having a drink

or getting high or trying a drug, like throughout the day? I do think about eating an edible every evening. And then I do. Hey, do you think I can do the hangover eating an edible every evening and then I do. Hey, do you think I can do the hangover after an edible? No. You don't wake up. You just, it just puts you to sleep. Yeah. It just helps.

I've upped my doses. Really? Yeah. I might try on Sunday. I'm going to drink in the morning and then I'm going to try to go on the treadmill that day. And then I might try an edible Sunday evening. It's good. I'm gonna do the kind of Christina does, because I don't like, I think yours would make me

fucking tremble. No, no, no, no, they won't. You just have an indica if you're trying to go to sleep. Yeah, I'm trying to go to sleep. Just have an indica. It's just, but here's the thing, is if I find out I like it, you know I'm gonna do it like crazy.

So what? I do it every day. Is that not, is that fine for you? I mean, I do it like I go, okay, everything's done. I'm gonna get in bed, watch TV a little bit, and I wanna go to sleep in a couple hours. So I do it then. See, I can, I will, even with Xanax, I fight that feeling. Like the other night I had

I So I drank Saturday night Sunday. I just feel off like just feel off and then my anxiety kicks in in a weird way where I go Okay, I probably got a fucking coronavirus I my legs kind of hurt because I was and because I'd run eight miles was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, the fucking misery and go to sleep. Like, and then I am fighting with myself all night long. Do you think regular people do that or do they just go?

I think that's very common. Really? Yeah, I think it's very common. And I think your instinct to not indulge in it is a good one because you're basically then just feeling the feeling and the feeling will end, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, I think it's a very normal thing

that you're thinking and feeling. I'm curious, I would love to know, I would love to do have an app That I could there was just on my phone right and every time I thought about drinking I touched it right Yeah, and then to see how many times a day I think about drinking and how often do you think about drinking a lot? You do a lot. I think about it a lot like I think about I think like having a drink Yeah, and I'll tell you why and it fades the longer I don't drink. Yes.

I would get depressed. This sounds almost psychotic. Okay. I get depressed if I have stuff to do during the day, because I don't have the possibility of just getting wasted whenever I want. This happens regularly. This happens like when we're on tour, and I have shows that night.

I almost sometimes a middle of the day I get depressed, knowing that I have something to do at the end of the night, and I can't drink until the end of the night. I've got to get my work done. I will get depressed. I'll go like not for the whole day, but I'll have like a pit my stomach for a second, where I'll go, you can't get wasted,

you have to work today. Like that doesn't bump you out Yeah, I want to get rid of it. Oh, you do want to get rid of it. Yeah, but but I it had the further away from drinking I get the less it happens right because I just go on all I just get to get shit none tonight But but when I'm in the throws a partying and and the biggest trap is touring I think right When there is no better feeling in the world than knowing you have nothing to do that day. Yeah.

You wake up on the bus, you're going to a lake, you're gonna take the boat out, and someone's lit a joint, or someone that has already opened a beer, and it's like fucking 10 in the morning, and you're like, ah, like that. I love the touring where it's Saturday night and the shows are over and you know that the next day you don't have to get up early. So you're like like

the night is is free. It's yours in full night. Yeah, you have a full night. You're not gonna get up at six to catch a flight and you go and guess what? There's like a great bar across the street from the hotel or whatever and you're like, now that's an enjoyable experience to me. I got melancholy last night. God, I can't wait to go on tour. I'm thinking about getting on tour, Tom,

about going on tour. I got melancholy about my, I someone sent me because Cody Rhodes got a tour bus, and people started tagging me and you, and like, and like different tour buss and so. I got melancholy at my first tour bus, and just the feeling of getting off stage, and going to a bar,

and walking in, and there being like 500 people there, and being like, yeah, and everyone be like, you want a drink, I'm like, fuck it! Like yeah, and everyone be like, you want a drink? I'm like, fuck it! Like that. And then being like, I'm done, getting on the tour bus

and driving the next city, I miss touring so much. So much. I've like, I mean, I've talked about it some, but I miss it more than I've articulated. Oh, it's been over a year for you. Like touring, I mean, I did do um, okay, see and Huntsville the last couple of like club shows. Yeah. And I have, I'm going back on the road next month and I have club dates throughout through June,

I think. I'm supposed to go like on tour tour late August or September, you know, things. I don't know what it was going what's gonna happen. But sometimes I'll think about being on tour, and it's like a fantasy. Like I escape and start smiling. Like, it's like a full fantasy where I'm like, I can't wait, I can't wait to get back. And it's people, you know what else happens? People tag me, I'm sure it happens to you too,

on this date, like a year or two ago. Oh my god. And you're like, oh yeah, that was like Toronto or that was, you know, that was a, whatever it was. What cities? What cities? And not, not to slight cities that you're, what, if you could do like a three city tour, four city tour in the, in America, where you got, and like like I'm just saying you don't get like

The runs would be like Orlando Miami Tampa the runs the Atlanta Mrs. I love I'll give you a couple of options Okay, oh, I know I would pick okay, go if I was picking like a three city run three city run right now I would do Madison Milwaukee Chicago Wow, I love that run. That Madison Milwaukee, Chicago. Oh, wow, this is fun. That's a great run. Yeah. Chicago Theater. Yeah, and then Milwaukee, the Riverside,

and Madison, I think Dorfium, or something like that. Can I tell you one of my favorite runs ever? Yeah. Ever Portland, Seattle, Vancouver. It's the best. The best. I'll tell you what I do. Portland, Seattle, Calgary, Vancouver. Because I love that ride through the Rockies.

Yeah, that Northwest, that is one of my favorite three city runs. Three-city Portland, Seattle, Vancouver. Portland's Seattle, Seattle, Vancouver is a gluttonous three-city run because it's not that far between each and they are such amazing cities. All right, hold on, hold on. Now, I'll tell you my favorite mid. Yeah. Anything including Indianapolis.

You want Indy? Indy is just any of those little chunks. Indy can get folded into so many of those little runs. And they always, Indy always had like a snow storm show up. Mm-hmm. I have, I have some very fun memories of Indianapolis. Florida's always a fun, I don't think I've done a Florida run. Really? I did one Florida, I've only done one Florida run.

It was like Tampa, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale. Oh, really? Yeah, that's a, I like that. No, Tampa, you're right, Tampa, Orlando. Jacksonville, I'm sorry. No, no. Uh, maybe I've done a couple. Yeah, Jackson, Orlando, Tampa. That's a good one too. Yeah, I miss it, man. I really miss it a lot. I can't wait. I cannot wait to go back. Oh, it's going to be so much fun. It feels, it actually feels like. Like I've been, uh, kept from my life, like my normal life.

So I'm like, I'm looking forward, it's like getting out of prison or something, you know, you're like, I wanna be allowed to go back to what I wanna do. I wanna do, I wanna do, everything's like a placeholder. I would like to do, I wanna do some clubs to get, even though I'm like, I have a new hour,

but I want it to be better. Like I wanna just like, I have a new hour, but I want it to be better. Like, I want to just scrap it, build a new hour, and then take those one hour I have, and then fold it in, and make it really good. I'm so excited for writing a new hour. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Like, I've been writing jokes.

I just ran one by Nadeauv. Sadame doesn't sound as bad on paper as it is in actual life. And he's like, I don't get it. And I was like, no, someone's like, him in a satan-miser-front-yard, you're like, ooh, make sure to get all of it. Like, and I don't write jokes like that, but I've been writing jokes just because I don't.

Like straightforward. I've been just writing punch jokes just for fun. What was the other one I wrote? Oh, I fucked like a Tesla. And that's the fucking easy one. But I love those. How do you fuck like a Tesla? I'm fast, I'm quiet, and about to be a plug around.

And so, so like, but I like those quick ones, and then I, and then what's interesting about comedy? You know it's funny though, by the way, about a joke like that. What? You could do like some huge theater, have like this epic show, and someone leaves, and they go, I love that Tesla joke. And you're like, of the whole fucking hour. Of the whole fucking whole.

Like of the stories and all the like the insightful stuff or the whatever kind of like, you know, really on and they're like, nah, that's because it's memorable. Yeah, that's ones of the Ann Remembers. Yeah. I've been obsessed with writing lately. I, what I did is, this little, I don't know, I took those poster boards, you know, behind the high school or grade school you do your art work on and then get sending in the teacher

and I put them on my tape on my desk and I just write jokes all over it. And then I go through and I pick out the ones that are any good and then move it to the next one. And so that I have some jokes that, so I have should have a post-reportful of jokes. But what was that? Oh, and then here's the one that I I don't do these well. I don't do these types of jokes well, but they're taking breath. So I watched a bunch of stand-up the other week with the girls, right? Yeah, because yeah, because Netflix did the best of the year. And so you were on it. It was your bank joke, I think.

My period party was on it. That's why we watched it because I was there. We watched a bunch of great steps, clips, and then we started watching a bunch of great standup. And then the girls started asking me about writing comedy, and it's funny. I don't dedicate time to actually write comedy, but lately I've been, I have been.

So I started breaking down how I write jokes for them. For them and when I do a great hour, the best it is, the way, the best way. And what it is is, if you, for me, if I write a ton of different types of jokes and can plug them in wherever there's dryness in the act, like have like four good stories, four big stories, but have shit in between to connect the tissue. And so they were like, and it was funny because you know this, but like

you'll come up with a premise and then and no one will like it but you have to commit to it to get there. So like the premise I came up with we're watching something about Syria colors. The nice stalker. It's great. Did you finish it? Yeah. It's phenomenal. It's what did he do for like he was a dick though. What do you think? This is not a cool guy. I mean, I think he was probably misogynistic a little bit. Yeah. He was a dick. He was.

Did, um, he had great cheekbones. He did have great cheekbones. With a good set of teeth, I wonder if he would have still been a serial killer. Yeah, his teeth were really bad. I wonder if his teeth are the reason he's a, oh my God. They talked about,

that he looks like a jackaland. No, survivors that would be like, the Stu's breath, like when they were first meeting to like talking to the text with like his breath was unbelievable. He had rotting teeth and guts. An impacted teeth.

Yeah. The, that is a fucking amazing. And he died of cancer. He had rotting rotting teeth and got an impacted teeth. Yeah The that is a fucking amazing any data cancer. Yeah 53 years old Yeah, which means he was doing this shit. What in his 20s? I Mean that's a I Said I was saying to the girls. I we were like they were like either goes how come we don't have Syraculers anymore I said oh, we got school shooters they we like, I like, how come we don't have Syraculers anymore? I said, oh, we got school shooters. We weed them out, we get them early, they become a school shooter,

and then they never end up in a serial killer. And they're like, dad, what is this? Is that like a bit? And I was like, I'm gonna work on it in my head. And they're like, it's not funny. I go, well, no, it's not funny to you right now until I make it funny. Right.

And they're like, dad, it's not. It's not, that's not funny. School shootings aren't funny. And I was like, oh, you're not allowed to tell me. And then you realize that committing to small grains of thoughts and going, I'm gonna work this through into a bit and one day people will laugh, but it's gotta be shitty first.

Right, it's gotta be like. It's gotta not work. It's gotta not work. Like it's gotta. like. It's gotta not work. It's gotta not work. Yeah. Like it's gotta. Anything that works out of the gate is either like one of those magic things or it's too common. Way too common. But if you struggle with it and like bomb with it or just really dig a hole and you're like fuck, but you stay trying to figure it out, those are the ones that really leave an impact. I had I told a joke on here one time that I had Nadal added out That I then took on the road and now is one of my favorite jokes and it's the Confederate statues joke

Yeah, but it was nine different ways of racist before it got good. Yeah, and you kind of got to sit there and go I understand I'm not doing this right. Yeah, what you do is you're like, it's like you're trying to solve a puzzle or a riddle and you're like, what about this? And everyone's just like, no. But they're saying, yeah, but I know that I'm gonna like guess right at some point. At some point I'm gonna figure,

I'm gonna get a curve ball of right in there. Yeah. I like, I'm obsessed with history right now. I'm obsessed with it. Because, and these are all just thoughts, but like there is a, there's such uncertainty in today's world that we live in where I remember I there was a young man that died that was, the past away, it was in my news feed, I don't know the kid, but he was Androgynous. And they were saying he,

but I thought it was a she, but then I was like, oh, I'll never find out if it was, I'll never find out what this is, who this person is. I can't even talk about it now, because the world we live in, there's no certainty, there's very, everyone likes to have you on uneasy ground, because when you were on a firm standing ground,

you were an asshole. Right. And so now it's better that they have you kind of, but there's something really cool about history where you're like, oh no, Japanese people ate Americans. Like, it's horrible to say, but that is true. That is true. And you can't deny it.

Did they what? Eight, eight American soldiers. They ate their livers. They cut chunks off their back through them in a pit so the meat wouldn't swap. But it's so horrible to say, but it's history. Like you can't deny it. Sure.

Isn't that crazy that, yeah, Jimmy Jima, Jimmy Jima was an island right by EWG. Japanese people were killed and consumed five American airmen. Wow. And that's a book I read. Fly boys, yeah. And those were like George Bush's friends.

And so what, these were pilots that crashed? Yeah, look, it says this. They're all friends of future. The only one to evade capture was future president George H. W. Bush. Holy shit. He ran our country and Japanese people ate his friends. And he never knew about this. And then he was like being shot down bombing raids, a tiny island, 700 miles north or south of Tokyo, eight were captured the ninth to, the only two of eight capture was future US president, then 20 year old George H. W. Bush after the war was discovered that the captured airmen had been beaten and tortured before being executed.

Airmen were beheaded on the orders of the lieutenant general. What is it? Yoshio? By the way, you now that you've listened to the real dictators, you're gonna fucking love to hear this because remember that guy, have you listened to the one about the Japanese guy, Toto? No, real dictators. It proves what a fucking ineffective contact guy was. What a, here's the deal. This you heard about in an audio book? I read this book. I read this book. And by the way, they're talking about these.

There were tons more. Here's what happened. What's the thing? What's the thing? Flyboys, it is fucking amazing. Wow. And what is fascinating about this is, I can't defend cannibalism,

but I guess I can in this, is that these guys, that prime minister of Japan at the time, the one that instigated the attack on Pearl Harbor, who started World War One, World War Two, in the most aggressive way with the US. Like, what a fucking mic drop. Like, what a fucking, oh, I'm sorry. You, like that is such a sucker punch.

Like, literally you're sitting there going, oh shit, there's a fight over there, and some guy just come and jacks you in the jaw, you're like, what? He's like, now you're in it, bitch. And you're like, what the fuck? That guy was a absolute moron, right? And absolute moron who couldn't even kill himself right.

At the end, couldn't even kill himself right. Missed his fucking heart, right? Fucking jackass. And what's great about history is knowing you can't get in trouble for saying this, because it's true. That's what I love about history. This is why you're embracing it so much. This is what I'm great about history is knowing you can't get in trouble for saying this because it's true That's what I love about history. This is why you're embracing it so much. This is what I'm loving about history is that you can't deny That fucking Lenin and Stalin were fucking mouth-breathing window-licking morons

Who are just as bad as those guys that storm the capital? That's all they were that's what they were they were revolutionaries They didn't have it figured out Stalin and Lenin did the same shit that Zarnicholas did. The same fucking shit top and kill the Jews and kill the Jews. By the way, I'm talking way too loud right now. Yeah. But that's what like, You were really enthusiastic about that last part. I'm obsessed,

but you know, Zarnicholas like fucking started killing Jewish people and they were like, what the fuck are you doing? The revolutionaries came in and the Bolsheviks took over the government, we're gonna do better. And the first thing to do is start killing Jews also. And you're like, what the fuck?

They didn't change anything about that government at all. Other than they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we just won't call the rich people, the elites, there just be us. Like it, I don't know what, I'm obsessed with history and it's giving me like a warm blanket. Speaking of cannibalism, were you also obsessed with that army hammer story? Can I tell you who see this is? Okay.

What a perfect transition to him. Yeah. Because good looking guy. Great actor. Here's what's amazing. I'm not comfortable talking about Army Hammer with my thoughts, because once again, we go back to the world we live in now

where I don't know if what I'm saying is right or wrong. Got you. But the history stuff, I can say, I can talk definitively about history, but with Army Hammer when I read it, I was like, oh, it's a little, it's really fucked up. What is the actual, see that, the photo, what's it say in that, yeah, in that link when you click it?

What's his, what's his return to America? It's like a figure out joint custody. Oh, okay. But like, okay, so, and now here's the other thing, is I don't know everything about this Army Hammer thing. Was it just that he was DMing checks? Well, here's the other thing is I don't know everything about this army hammer thing. Was it just that he was DMing checks? Well, here's the thing that's not cool, I think, about. So whoever leaked the DMs, they just leaked his side of it and you can tell that there's

a back and forth. Oh, they just, they almost like scrubbed their sides. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, who, I gotta go. It's all, it's just all his stuff, like in a, but you can tell he's, like when you read it, you go, oh, he's responding, right? Cause he goes, I want to see you, I want to see everything, I want to see your brain, but I would definitely bite it.

I came and read the other part of it. 100%, I'll try to, or try to fuck it, not sure which, probably both. If I fucked you in a vegetative state, I'd keep you, feed you, wash you, and keep fucking you. I actually had a joke where I said that. But if you go to like, that's a good joke.

If you go to like the other ones, there's some that are like clearly an interaction going on. Wait, keep going. These are way, how? I'm like, I see like, it's like even the way that reads. Oh my gosh. Okay, what he says. It's been so hard and it makes me confused as to why,

is that even possible, so hard thinking of holding your heart my hand. Okay, but also, Fugged, that's scary. I never met it. Like, you know that like there's an interaction, it's not just him writing, fucking one thing after another, you know. If it is him just, like if she was like, what's up interaction. It's not just him writing, fucking one thing after another. If it is him just, if she was like, what's up?

And that's it. That's it, then you're mentally. Then you're like, holy fuck army. But there's even more. I mean, like, you know. You blocked this account? It's the last thing you wrote. You blocked me.

But look at the thing, he goes, no. But when you said it, that's a response. But you're not seeing the other, what is being said. I wish I had someone, I wish I had like a, a deer, like what? Like he's not just saying that. So here's my question. If that's his, by the way,

I don't really think he's killing people in the room. No, I think it's his kink and it's his fantasy. It's his kink and fantasy is to like, like, you know, it's not, here's the thing, it's not a chill one. It's not like a cool, but I still think that it's fantasy stuff. I don't think so. Yeah, but like what is different from that

as to like BDSM and like, like being someone's slave? And it's totally different. You don't think it's different? No, no, I mean, it's different, but it's like, at what point do we draw a line and where you're loud to have a kink, but some kink can't play. Oh, right. Right. Right. What point do people start going? Don't tell anyone because like I remember getting a video. I'm really talking about today I remember getting a video from someone and they were like from that mistress

I did the thing with and she was one of the videos and it was so creepy. It was a And it was so creepy, it was a kink where people liked walking upon bodies in the forest and finding them in like pantyhose, like laid out in the leaves. And I was like, oh my god, like you just found an unconscious girl or like a dead body. Right, right. And then I don't know if they jack off on it or whatever. Yeah. Or what I'd ever watch past just body and leaves. But I'm open-minded enough to say, I guess as long as you're not hurting people, and that's your thing. That's generally, I think, the point of view on all these is like, as long as there's

consenting people and no one's- And this is just that it's fucked up, right? I mean, that's- That's what it's just fucked up. It seems like it's like- Because I'm cool judging people on being fucked up. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what it's just fucked up. It seems like it's like. I'm cool judging people on being fucked up. Yeah, yeah, I mean, that seems to be the thing. But like, like you're saying though,

I think the way that like you indulge in this, if you're him is if like the woman is like, you know, pouring fake blood on herself, you know? And like, like yeah, bleeding and. Or you get like a deer liver. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Hold it in your hand and like, that's fucking weird. Listen, it's so weird, but like,

I've never had as much pussy as him. So like, I'm sure he gets tired of regular pussy and he's like, needs to be right. I mean, I'm guessing, I'm trying to defend, a guy who's not defending himself. Read this one. And then, did you back up? I'm like, this is a really intense.

Because I won't let you die. It'd be a waste of a perfect slave. I thought I would fucking not use that word. Tell me the fantasy. Can you imagine all the warm blood all over my cock as I fuck you in the ass? Okay. Drink it up while I fucking you.

Drinking it while I fucking you. Oh, I mean blood is all over us. Okay, maybe I should have read all these before I was like fucking me rubbing blood all over both our faces. I mean, I guess, I mean blood is all over us. Okay, maybe I should have read all these before I was like, I can be rubbing blood all over both our faces. I mean, I guess, I mean, it's just his fantasy though, right? I don't know what's the next one say. Wow, head rush. Just how completely, okay, oh wow.

Why would, can I tell you, I would fire the guy just for the fucking fact that he's DMing this to people. It's pretty, it's pretty aggressive. I never DM'd anybody. It's pretty, it's pretty aggressive. I never DMed anybody. It's pretty aggressive. Brand you, tattoo you, mark you, shave your head, keep your hair with me, cut a piece.

This is so fucking intense. Okay, I'm starting to get it now. I'm starting to get it. You're hard. This is... I'm gonna piece up your skin off, make you cook it for me. Make you cook it for me. I mean, I feel like that.

He would love Flyboys. He would love the book Flyboys. I mean, feel the test can be endless. Who's slave master relationship is the strongest weed win? When I tell you to slit your wrists and use the blood as lube for anal. It's aggressive. I mean, but it's so thought out. Let's call my dominatrix and see if she can defend it.

Okay. Do we, I don't know, let's see if mistress is a bella. Oh, this is your personal. Yeah, but she's a little more, I don't mean to be shitty, but she's a little more, she could get into. Got you. The, I hope this is still her number. It's not, I can already feel it. What is she's like, shut up slave.

Hold on a second, who's this? Hey Bert. Hey, is this you? It's Bert, I'm on a podcast. I'm on a podcast with Tom Scroo and we wanted to talk BDSM shit. Hi, yeah, it's Isabella. Okay, good, good, good, Bert. Hey, is this you it's Bert. I'm on a podcast. I'm an on a podcast with Tom scurrant and we wanted to talk BDSM shit. Hi. Yeah, it's Isabella. Okay. Good. Good. Good. Hi Isabella. Hey So can you unpack the army hammer fan stuff for us? The what do you know what's going on with the army hammer?

No, how do you not know that is? Oh, he's so he got... I don't watch TV. I'm renovating a mansion right now. I don't even turn on my TV. What's going on? Okay, so he has got a cannibal fantasy. I'm gonna give the phone to Tom because Tom knows it better. Okay, hold on one side and here's Tom Segura. Hi, Isabella. Hi, so we were talking about this story that is kind of viral about, Army Hammer is a well-known actor. Like early 30s, he's been in a bunch of shows and movies. The lone ranger.

Okay, and so somebody leaked his DMs on Instagram where he basically just, it's a full like cannibalism fantasy, right? So he's just, where he is the one being cannibalized. No, he wants to, you know, he's like, I wanna cut you up, I'm gonna eat your heart. I'll, you know, I'll make you cook a piece of yourself and then I wanna fuck you while you're,

you know, while I'm eating you and you use the blood on, yeah, we'll drink your blood and use the blood as lube. And I'm saying, because this is like a, you know, everybody's talking about this, that I think this is all just fantasy, like it's his fantasy, right? He's just, and it got leaked. But like, what is, like, do you run into

the cannibalism fantasy a lot? I've had the cannibalism fantasy from the other perspective, from someone wanting to sacrifice themselves for my well-being, someone wanting to give up their body for nourishment for me, as a sacrifice, you know, it's a holy sacrifice to give your life over to someone else and then the idea that they are nourishing themselves from it and able to continue life. So I've never had it the other way around, but I had to, I had to be that person in one

of the fantasies that I encountered where it was one hour of dialogue while a man was sitting in a cage and I had to tell him how I was going to roast him like a pig and I was going to feed my whole village, a female warrior and his meat was gonna taste so good because he's so fat, we've been fattening him up. And it was like, I had to be that person who had to like come up with those things, right? Right. And it wasn't my thing, so it was like a complete improv thing.

Yeah. And all of those things were like, you know, we're gonna root you and smell you fire your skin burning and. Well, it's funny, hearing you say it. In all that stuff. Hearing you say it, it's. It sounds erotic.

Yeah, it's kind of nice. Now we're both like, hey, let's get some people in here. Ask her, where do you draw the line? Where do you draw the line with fantasy and like, yeah, so this is kind of the discussion, is like, where's the line with fantasy? And like, because I was thinking that, you know, if this guy was, he's writing all this crazy shit to someone, that like the safe way to indulge in it is like, you know, but he

wants it to be obviously exciting and thrilling and close to real is like fake blood or like, you know, animal body parts. But like, is there, like, how do you draw the line on someone who's like, I have a cannibalism, you know, fantasy in my mind. Do you just set up those parameters? It might be a hard sell. I mean, it's a hard sell for men to say, I like dressing like a woman. Sure. I can imagine if someone says, I have a cannibalism fantasy where, well, I'm having sex

if you all want to think about devouring your skin and flesh and cutting you open. That would probably scare some people. I would think so. So I would think that he would have to approach it with really trusted people. So it's funny that his things get leaked because obviously he wasn't trusting the right people. Absolutely. But, you know, I think it's hard for a lot of people to open up about these things, but that's definitely a unique one, and it can be something as easy as getting props and playing it out in your head without ever going to the line of hurting somebody, or even

like even consensual medilation. You know, there's cuttings or things like that that happen within the community, scarification, piercing bloodletting. All those things can happen within a bonded pair in the community. It's not something you'd want to do with a stranger, someone you just met, because there's so much trust involved. Sure. But a fantasy can still remain a fantasy without it being harmful to anyone. It's just a matter of the individual person and where that sociopathic line is drawn of like knowing what's consented, what's not consent.

Do you think you should cancel someone based on their fantasies? I feel for him that he was able, he thought he was able to trust somebody to open up about these things and then someone's like breaking him over the cold for it. Yeah, because that actually that's the other investigation. And he's actually crossed boundaries and hurt people. That's another story. Right. It's something that was consensual between him and the person he was having this dialogue with or this relationship with. And it's very unfortunate that I think she's

handsome. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Here, I'm going to pass you back to Bert, but thank you very much for your insight Isabella. Hey, it's always good talking to you. Thank you very much. I'll see you for our regular session on Thursday. All right, well, yeah, I'll see you. I'll tell you I'm by Thanks a lot take care, okay? Bye. I love having a mistress on my DBS I mistress on my yeah, I mean that was so great. So so her tough was I Bet he does feel betrayed of course he does what a shitty I Would love to hear the whole he was he was, see who the woman who leaked it was.

They're not, they're not, I don't think it's out there, man. Yeah, she kept herself anonymous. Yeah. Yeah. But it's also fucked up his job he was about to go do. He had pulled out of the movie. Yeah, now he's publicly shamed, but I bet you, does not have the app, I bet you he's gonna get so much pus from this.

I mean, there were women that wanted to fuck Richard Ramirez. Yeah, I know. So this dude's just like, yeah, I have this crazy fan. You have many pictures. It's kind of nice though. If they make me, chicks are gonna sound, be like, eat me. I'm fucking, batch my brains.

I bet there's a lot of, and you know, he's gonna get the one, it's almost like throwing out a almost like throwing out what's the other what says after video goes viral no that way Graphic NS what is this is this a different story? No, it's from a few days ago. We'll attempt it humor. Let's see it Fool's time to humor. Yeah, click that name of a great special What is it can you tell me what it says What is it? Can you tell me what it says? Ormihama recently issued an apology after the current controversy of his alleged DMs and an NSFW video allegedly posted by the actor on his private Instagram account. Okay, you got to find that video. It's, it's, um, it's, the video is about this chick you used

to fuck, he called her Miss Cayman. I think it's Cayman Island. What? Really? I don't know if she was Miss Cayman Island. I think he's just, I don't know. You know, are you being serious about the, yeah, it's Miss Cayman. He called some woman Miss Cayman, I guess, Cayman Islands. I don't know.

I, you know, I really never knew who army hammer was to be honest with you Like it's bet you know what sucks for him is like I knew he was in the lone ranger But he wore masks when really never saw who he was yeah, but like this is the first time I exist a video. Oh, yeah Okay, put my head. That's all One second. Yep, I will tell you Okay, go ahead hold on hold on let me turn it out. Let me see. Okay. Press pause. Give us. Army hammer fucks a lot apparently. Yeah. Let's see here. Okay. Let's see. I don't hear anything.

Sorry, this ad blocker thing's fucking it up. Let me try to find it out. Yeah, it's interesting is it seems to me that sex is getting everyone in trouble. Like what? Like everything, what else? People's dicks get them in trouble more than anything. Yeah. Like that is the number one thing getting people in trouble right now.

In our cancel culture, it's people's cocks guys dicks and and following their dick and not having the like what is it about me? I mean I was saying to you the other day. I was like I've only fucked girlfriends I've only never fucked strangers. You never had sex with a stranger. No I mean I had I have I have I take that back. I fucked one girl that I spent the day with and From Liverpool by think she just did it because her sister wanted to spend the night at my house I think she was like he's cute. I'll fuck him We have a place to stay and I was just I would have let her sleep in my bed for free But she fucked me anyway, but my her tongue didn't stick all the way out of her mouth. They ever tell you that?

No, yeah, her tongue was connected at the bottom so she couldn't get it out of her mouth so she gets like this How do you normally kiss with my tongue out of my mouth like? That's how you kiss yeah, go into the mouth and then what do you do with it? I fucking back it back and forth show me I'm paying it Like that. Yeah, I'm a lot a lot. You got tongue in the mouth. I like tongue in the mouth I like the tongue in the line like I like tongue in the mouth I like the tongue in the like big fat tongue in the mouth every time No Leanne kind of is been I don't know if it's cuz I She's more like a just fuck yeah, can I tell you that one? There's I went out this girl. I was dating in I guess I'll just say, it's been long enough, but

20 years ago. So I was in Boston and I started dating this girl, you know, just whatever, like casually, right, and then I'd show up with coffee, and she's working out of place down the street. And then, you know, whatever. Next time we go out, we kiss, she she led with tongue so if if you just went tell you go you know kiss her tongue would be out and I was like that's weird and then it's like okay registers in your mind then like second kiss her tongue's out and I'm like what the fuck is is, like, so even on like a, well, I'll pick you up later, kiss like that, her tongue would be out. And I was like, I don't know if I could do this.

Like, she would leave it like, like, like if she gave you a peck, her tongue would be in your mouth. It's like she would scream before knocking on your door, like, yeah! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, and I started, I started, I was telling, I was like, I don't think I can, I mean, I go, I was telling, I was like, I don't think I can,

I mean, I go, I don't, this is just, this is gonna be impossible. Like, oh yeah, that would be tough. I got, I got told when I was in ninth grade that I didn't know how to kiss and the girl reset my kissing. Really? She said, you kiss really bad.

And I went for real? Marlene Tamayo, you know, I was like, yeah. She was like, can I show you how to kiss and then we can kiss? What were you doing? I have no idea. And what she showed you? kiss. What were you doing? I have no idea. And what she showed you? We can always call her, but I have no idea.

But she actually was like, She keeps her stopped and said, She taught me how to kiss. And then I now kiss like Barney and Tamayo. But that's great. That's like the greatest thing she's done. It's like, what someone says, hey, you smell. And you're like, what?

And you're like, you smell. You're stinging. And you're like, oh, fuck, maybe I need to shower. Yeah, I'm just telling you, my buddy, Obi-Wan time, we were at a bar and he goes, you smell. And you're like, what? And you're like, you smell. You stay shan't. And you're like, oh, fuck, I maybe I need to shower. Yeah, I'm just telling you, my buddy, Obi-Wan time we were at a bar and he goes, your breast smells. And I was like, what are you being an asshole? He goes, no, I'm your friend.

Right. I'm trying to tell you your breast smells. And if you're trying to hook up with the chick, you need gum or something. And I was like, that's being a friend. I've heard my feelings. He was like, I'm, I can lie to you or I can tell you the truth. Right.

No, he hooked you up. But that is actually, Marlene is like, that's a compassionate. She helped you so much by doing that. Like I should have told that girl, you're fucking, you're going to upset everybody with this tongue shit you're doing with every kiss. I should have told her it's funny. I've only just like if I have only dated, I've only fucked people I've dated. And I've only, I gotta be honest, I haven't kissed that many people.

I haven't really kissed, I've probably maybe, I had sex with mostly strangers. For real? Yeah. Oh, I can tell you the parents' names of everyone I fucked. Nice, definitely couldn't tell you the names of the people I fucked. Definitely. Not like, how many people have you fucked? I don't know.

And it's not a crazy number, it's that like, no, it's more have you thought? I don't know. And it's not a crazy number. It's that like, no, it's more than that. It's the my number. No, it's six. Six, but it could be seven. I can't remember. Here's the thing, I think if you were like,

if your number is like nine, 10, whatever, or less, you know the exact number. My number's not crazy, but I'm like, I don't remember if it's like 15, 17, you know, the exact number. My number's not crazy, but I'm like, I don't remember if it's like 15, 17, you know, like, it's in that, so it's not much more. Try to track it, try to track it right now. Like, like, give me, I'll, I'll, I'll,

lost your virginity at what age? 17. 17 me too. Yeah, I'll make a, I'll make a list. Shout out to that girl, she was a fucking saint. Okay. Girlfriend. 17 me to yeah, yeah, I'll make a I'll make a list shout out to that girl. She was a fucking saint. Okay girlfriend next one college girlfriend for me That number was 18 by the way two girls in between there that I dated that I didn't have sex with because I was so bad at it

I didn't want to show anyone how bad I was Yeah, yep, and then next girl dated for five years cheated on me. And then the next one was girlfriend that I dated when the Rolling Stone article came out and moved to New York dating her. How'd you find out the one cheated on you? Hi.

It was, it was was doctor told me Really? Really? I don't like saying it because it sounds shitty. But it sounds shitty to her because I'm cool that I'm fine. You know, but yeah, I had something going on and the doctor was like, hey man, I think you're getting cheated on. I was like, no.

He was like, I'm pretty sure. He's like, did you, are you fucking out of the people? And I went, no, and he goes, you don't have to lie to me. I said, no, and he goes, okay. I remember him saying very clearly, when you go to Yonnie's, I was the name of the bar, do you and your dick split up to cover more territory? And I was like, what?

He goes, excuse me, he goes, when you go to Yonnie's, do you and your dick split off and then meet up at the end of the night, you're dick's like, oh, I got laid. And I was like, no, I'm with my dick all night long. He was then, you're getting cheated on. And he was like, unless you're lying to me right now, you're getting cheated on. And I was like, it's impossible'm with my dick all night long. He was then you're getting cheated on. And he was like, unless you're lying to me right now, you're getting cheated on. And I was like, this is impossible.

And he goes, okay. And I was like, and then I was like, and then I found out literally days later I was getting cheated on. Holy shit. Days later I was like, I was like, this is so crazy. I got, how did I get this from riding horses or something? Riding horses?

I thought, you know what I thought I got. Wait, what did it look like? What did it feel like? It was a, it was a clap. It was so fucking painful. So painful. So sweet. What's it like when you get to call her?

Do you see her in person? I was confused. I honestly thought I got it from drinking, because I was like, you know what? We went on a hike in Switzerland when we were in Europe and I drank from a trough. I bet I got it from that, because we didn? We went on a hike in Switzerland when we were in Europe and I drank from a trough I bet I got it from that because we didn't bring water on the hike and we got up to like fucking 7,000 feet and I was like, oh my god, I'm fucking dying of thirst

There's a trough that horses are drinking out of and we drank out of that trough And I was like, I must've got it from that and then the doctor's like, no, I'm telling you didn't and there's a I had to wait for test results And I told the doctor I trust me, she didn't cheat on me, I didn't cheat on her, I guarantee I got it from this trough and he goes, you definitely didn't get it from a trough. And then the test results came back and it was the doctor and he was like, he's like, hey man, have you confronted her about this?

And I was like, no, he's like, you should. And I was like, and then I think I went, I went out of town for something. I went out of town on like a trip and I was taking the medication, but I was like, and then I think I went, I went out of town for something. I went out of town on like a trip and I was taking the medication but I was like, I don't know what, this doctor's out of his fucking mind. Yeah. And then I came home and she pulled me aside.

She's like, I cheated on you, why are you wearing your Russia? And I was like, and this is, but this is before you even tell her what happened. I said it to her but I was like, I was, but I was almost like tell her what happened. I didn't say it to her, but I was like, but I was almost like defending her to herself. Yeah.

And then she was like, she came out and she just said she had kissed the guy and I was like, hold on. And then all of a sudden I was like, I'm gonna do the math real quick. And then I was like, that's, and then it escalated. The next time I talked about it, it was they had definitely done more than kiss and then they were all of a sudden I was like, okay, I and then it escalated. The next time I talked about it, it was they had definitely done more than kiss, and then they were all of a sudden I was like,

okay, I just got a fucking deal with this. It was really hard, because it was the second person I never had sex with. And you told her you were on medication, and I was like, you should get tested. And she was like, I'm fine, you must have got it. You must have cheated on me. And I was like, okay.

And then I was said to her with the doctor, said to me, I said, when I go to Yonnes, me and my dick do not split up to cover my territory. And so it was really hard to deal with. It was like super hard to deal with. And then, and I think it's the reason I didn't fuck around was because I just was like, everyone's got diseases. You know what it is? It's trauma. It's trauma

Like you were traumatized by the your second person you slept with yeah had this happened to you So it it fucks you up forever. Yeah, basically. No, yeah, it it fucked me up forever. I remember you know, it's so funny The same thing happened with the fucking coronavirus with Dr. Drew. The same thing happened. Now that you say trauma, you're so fucking right about this. Yeah. So I had, it's why I never graduated to hard drugs because I OD'd when I was 19. And it's so traumatic to OD that you go,

like I was on a path to like trying, like I was trying harder drugs. But when you OD, you're not like, all right, gotta get back on the horse. Like you just are, you're terrified, you know? Like in the same way of like a STD or something. That happened with me with marijuana. And like when I was 14,

I smoked way too much marijuana and got way too high. And then I was terrified of marijuana. Yeah. And to this day, I just day I just why I won't take an edible So I'm like I don't want to deal with what I dealt with when I was 14 just have Diaz give you a chill one you'll be fine So this so funny you say it's trauma That's so funny so when I I had you know

one When I had, you know, one night, maybe I, maybe I, in my life, out of my six. So I had four girlfriends, two, one night stands, but there were people I knew. And the Liverpool check and then this other girl. Yeah. And I can, on this one, I convinced myself I got an STD. I convinced myself I got an STD. I convinced myself. I

Believed by the way. This is hardcore secret time. I'm sure I've talked about this on other places, but I'm I convinced myself I had genital warts convinced myself I mean Convince myself no proof Convince myself. I had genital warts. There was a there was a discoloration around the center of my dick that I couldn't really I never really noticed before It's what we now call a circumcision scar But you're like I have an STD. I lost it. I fucking had probably the first Only mental

Religit mental breakdown. I've ever had in my life where I just Was like I was fuck it was horrific it was horrific but I don't ever I'm never really dealt with like mental issues too bad but man this one time was like horrific I went to a doctor and the doctor said it's nothing. Actually doctor said what are you putting on your dick I said a lot of stuff I'm soaking it vinegar I'm spraying tenacon on it every day, two or three or four times a day. I'm taking some scissors to it to clear it up. And the doctor's like, all right, stop doing that.

What are you putting on your dick a lot of stuff? I was like, I soak it in vinegar every day. And so, so he, so, so I stop fucking with my dick. And everything goes away. And I'm like, okay, it's dormant and I'm like okay, it's dormant in my head. I'm like it's dormant. So I then Meet Leanne is the next person I have sex with I'm eat Leanne and I start dating Leanne and Maybe there's one other person in there that I dated this girl from the next show and I tell tell her, Ian, I'm just giving you a heads up.

Like, I've always thought I had genital warts. I said warts, right? I didn't say herpes today. I don't know. Anyway, and she was like, she was like, okay, I'm looking at you, you look totally fine. I was like, I know, but I'm just giving you a heads up. She's like, okay, I don't know what to tell you,

but like, you're telling her, you're telling her, I have four before we have sex. You're like, I have, just telling her, yeah. But fucking being upfront. That's just, by the way, but like, you're telling her, you're telling her I have fun? Before we have sex. You're like, I have, Jason. I was just telling her, yeah, but fucking being up front. That's just, by the way, that's what's wrong with me, is I believe when it comes to all the coronavirus yet I believe in being up front

about with everyone, about everything. And so, and that doesn't play so well these days. And so I tell her and she was like, you're fine, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm looking at you, you don't look, I said, I know, I know it, maybe I don't have, I look, and I tell her my OCD, I tell her my problem, she goes, okay, fine.

So we, I go to a doctor again, I show my doctor, this doctor, my dick, and she's like, you're fine, you don't have anything. We go to get, have a baby, we have a baby, we have Georgia, we get tested, both get tested for all venereal diseases, including general awards, because that's the one that causes cervical cancer.

And HPV and the lady says, and I say, I just so you know, I think I might have, and she goes, no, we've tested your blood, you don't have it. And I said, I don't believe you. She's like, no, I'm certain. This is a last test.

We tested your blood and Leanne's blood, you don't have it. And I'm like, okay, so when we, when Drew tested positive for coronavirus, that same trauma showed up, that same fucking, and it's the back and forth with the doctor where I believed it, I believe in myself and not him. Drew calls and says, you might wanna get tested,

or, well, Nidav calls and says, you might wanna get tested, Drew's got coronavirus. And then I call Drew, Drew's like, yes, so I get tested, I don't believe it. I don't believe that you're negative. And I don't believe it. We get, wait two days, get tested again. Don't believe it. I don't believe that you're negative. And I don't believe it. We get way too days, get tested again. Don't believe it.

Get the PNC test. Still don't believe it. Tom, I didn't fucking believe that test. To this day, I don't believe that test. I mean, on my soul, I don't believe that. And for whatever fucking reason, it's trauma. And I never realized it was trauma until you just said it. It's being fucked up by that one experience.

Yeah. Fucking ruined so much just logic, not listening to logic, because I believed someone and was proven wrong. And I was like, that will never happen again. Yeah. That is, I mean, that is like ground break, that is straight up trauma. How much more trauma do I have in my life? And what, what, like, why do I drink? Like, what the fuck wrong with me? I mean, it could be all related, man. It could be all tied to you. So you're telling me that when you did drugs that one time and you

had an overdose, that right there, set it in your head. You're like, I'm done. Well, it's, here's the thing. Like, you know, when you say it, like a sentence, it might not have the same impact. What I'm saying is that the experience and the experience of overdosing is not just like the moment that it that you're hospitalized. It's like you go back to that to like what your mental state was going into that day and how you approach going out and partying and and what I was doing. approach going out and partying and what I was doing and then ending up, you know, in a coma and being in the ICU for days and like coming out of that, recovering from it, having to face everybody, you know, I'm 19 years old and they're just like, are you a junkie or something?

You know, and you're like, no. So it's so traumatizing to go through the experience that like when I finally went back to school, I'm a freshman in college. I didn't drink alcohol for a year, a full, more than a calendar year. And you don't really drink that much alcohol now? I don't, but at the time in school,

beers and whatever at parties was very, you know, very common. I was just like, I'm not gonna touch anything for a while, like for myself, and I just don't wanna like, have any trouble, you know? So then like a year or so later, I had, you know, I went back to like, having beers, whatever, and smoking, I felt comfortable smoking weed, so I would,

I would smoke weed, but when like, you know, people would start like start taking anything, whether it's a pill, even mushrooms, I'd be like, nope. Cocaine, I was like, nope, I'm not trying anything because this shit was enough. It was enough, dude. It was enough of an experience and I'm high off weed. This is fine. So I just stayed like that forever. You know, so how much of your life that you think is defined by your trauma? I mean, we have different traumas, right? Like I'm saying, like, that's not my only trauma, but like, tell me more of your traumas. Um, trying to do you in

therapy? How did you figure this out? Yeah, I mean, I thought that, that the, the overdose one was pretty obvious. Yeah, that. Like, because I knew, I knew also that like, I remember one time I saw a guy at, because was it big in Florida like to always go to 7-11, like were they just like everywhere?

Like were you like, when you were in 7-11? Everywhere. And I saw this dude at 7-11, and this is like a year afterwards. Not even a year, maybe less than that. And I saw this dude at 7-11 and I'm this is like a year afterwards Not even a year maybe less than that and I saw this dude who I'd party with and he goes he's outside and he goes hey man What's going on with you? I go what he goes? Used to be so much fun and like now you don't I go oh I think it was when I OD

Is that you're talking about and he was like well, yeah, but think it was when I, oh, dude. Is that what you're talking about? And he was like, well, yeah, but I mean, you're here. Like, let's fucking party. And I was like, okay, but you don't understand that I'm probably gonna do it a little differently. I'm not gonna take the same thing. Yeah. That, that, oh yeah, yeah.

Oh, I've never overdosed. That would make total sense that you're like, Hey man, clearly I found there's a limit and I don't want to get near that. Yeah, you're just like, I don't want to get near the limit, you know? Fuck. Like after this injury, I'm never gonna take the stairs again, bro. So.

Oh, this was trauma. Oh shit, this was total trauma. Of course it's trauma. It's not only, not only is it for short trauma, I was like operated on by like literally a trauma surgeon and I was in the trauma war. Like they were just like, you have trauma injuries. So I'm, I'm sure it'll be long lasting, you know?

Like, so okay. I'll probably weep through every NBA finals going forward, you know? So that's, by the way, way, you know, I never really, I kind of, like, an idiot have always kind of like just head-butted any type of therapy stuff. I was like, I thought you enjoyed therapy. I enjoy therapy by, I lie a lot in it. No, I don't like, ha ha ha ha ha.

Cause I can't tell the truth sometimes, cause I'm on FaceTime, I'm on FaceTime. Oh, so you just like, like sometimes I'll, I'll candy code stuff. Yeah. So, just cause if someone got a hold of the video, I'd be like, fucking, horror-riff, horrified. Oh yeah.

And there's a guy that can grab my screen and post all my therapy sessions. Yeah, so I kind of brand them, friendly. So. I've had the same thought during therapy. Oh, do you do a bot line? Yeah, of course. I've done that too, Robin.

I think he's like, everything's good. I'll be like, good. What are you asking? Yeah, he's like, are you gonna say something? I'm like, I mean, everything's cool, man. What I, whatever we talked about in therapy last week was so arm's distance that I was like, I was like, yeah, man, I don't know, I can't really tell you.

I don't challenge fucking ran today. Oh, we were talking about, we were talking about, oh, I know what we were talking about. We were talking about not celebrating success. Like, not celebrating success? So like, so, I have a hard time every time I have done a, I destroy things, right? So Go Big Show every Thursday night, 9 p.m.

A central. Go Big Show is on TBS was the. Bird cursor. Bruce Kreischer. Yeah. Was the highest rated show that TBS has had in three years or whatever. Yeah. So immediately I hear that good news and then I and I instinctually start destroying it and start going.

I'll probably get fired like in my head. I can't just sit back and go. Nice man. Nice. Yeah. Good job. Or, uh, you get, uh, best of the 2020. Yeah. Stand up. Stand up. And you go, well, yeah, but they had to put me in because you know, like, you don't, I can't, the cabin was highest, it did really well. And I couldn't, I can't celebrate success. I kind of start destroying it my head and then my therapist was like, why do you do that?

And I said, only losers celebrate success. Real winners go whatever and then move forward and try to create new stuff and work harder. And he was like, no, that's not how that works. And I was like, maybe that's coming from, like I was like literally, like that sounds like loser talk. Like I, and so, but now that you're talking about trauma, I'm gonna talk about trauma.

I bet I have so much fucking trauma. And I've heard about people, like I remember when we were younger and I don't believe this anymore I remember I don't believe this at all anymore But when we were younger and you make like a rape joke in a comedy club and someone would get up and leave and you'd be like I mean like what the fuck like you're gonna walk out in the middle of show and then now you realize Oh, you just brought up her trauma. Yeah, yeah, and she's just- You're bringing up her, and I realize that now. But back then, you'd be like,

it's just a joke. Like, that's the way we looked at it. And now it makes, it's very clear, because there are things you could say to me where I'd be like, no. By the way, I have the same as you, celebration problem. So I, at least tell me keep going. So like every time I have

whatever any good news. Hey, here's the show. New Zeef Show is a huge success or like you got another special you booked a, like career like benchmarks, right? I'll get it and then I'll be like great. And then Christina will go like, hey, so that's a pretty big deal, you know? Like you just got another special or you just booked this movie or something. And I'll be like, yeah, it's great.

And she's like, no, we should celebrate. And I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, we should like, this is a moment in life that people would celebrate. Yeah. You should celebrate. And I'm like, what do you want to do? And she's like, well, I don't know,

but like, don't you think we should like celebrate that you did this thing? And this is an accomplishment. And I'll be like, completely muted. And I'll just be like, I guess. She's like, aren't you excited about it? I'm like, yeah, I think it's great. She's like, you know, where's the like the excitement? I'm like, yeah, I think it's great. She's like, you know, where's the excitement?

I'm like, I don't know. I just kind of- Guys who haven't been in the end zone before do that shit. Yeah, I guess, you know? Yeah. I feel like that's so much. Like what, like I, every time I've got done shooting a special, everyone's wanting to part of their balls off.

And I'm like, I don't really, I'm thinking I'm just gonna go bed early. I feel good. I don't really, I don't think I'm gonna do better early, I feel good. I didn't drink tonight, like the only time I've really celebrated after a special was after the Philly one, I ended up, I didn't even do it on purpose, Leanne bought a bunch of shit and got a bunch of joints and like my cousins were there and she was like,

made sure that I partied because every other special after that, I've done it and then been like. Did I say I'm bringing more guests on tour this year? What do you mean? I'm just gonna bring people that I like on tour. I don't understand what you're saying. Like I actually feel like I want to be around more people that I enjoy the company of.

And that I don't do it. Like I did it on tour a few times last year. So give me like explain to me like who? Like I brought out a neighbor of mine and a friend of mine who's not a comic or just to be on tour with you just to. Yes. Oh my god. That's fucking brilliant. And every time I did it I was like this is the best because. So you'd bring someone just like a friend just to come hang out

And then they're on tour with you. They're like having the best time and you're just like Yeah, like I bought you a flight and a hotel and hey, and also you bring people who you truly enjoy So you're like I'm going to Jim do you want to come? Sure? I'm going to get coffee yet And they're they're not like a burden, you know, that you want them there. Then it's like, we're going to the show. You get off stage and there's your friend. And I'm like, this is the best.

So I'm planning on doing that. That is all tour. I've never heard of that in my life. And that is one of the most brilliant. It's fun. That's one of the most brilliant, oh my god. It's almost like-

I've already invited people. Like I was like, you already know your tour date? Well, I have some but I go like Just for I knew you're talking about theaters or just clubs to no knock down. I can't do clubs theaters And I was way too much to go and hey man Yeah, you gotta you gotta make sure you tip or 20 like Never mind not the clubs, but in the theaters. It's like It's a whole different game

And I think it's actually better for my own well-being. I end up having, I end up enjoying the time more by hanging out with people I enjoy. And then you get to go, like, hey, show us over. Let's go to dinner. And you're going with your friend, you know? I'm definitely doing that. That is the most brilliant idea. And that's the best original idea I've ever heard.

And you can coordinate it where you go. I got my California friends coming you know, like coming. And then you go, you call your high school friend and you go, hey, I'm doing this run, you're coming. And then, you know what I mean? Your college friends, whatever. So you're constantly just around the people you wanna be around.

Oh, I'm doing this for every, every place I'm going. I'm calling up a friend. You're going, hey, you want to come on tour with me? Yes, it's the best. Oh, Tom, that is so fucking genius. Because you know, my personality in that is, I will, I will have a better time making sure they have a great time.

Exactly, but ultimately, what does that do? That makes you happy because it feels good to make sure somebody that you care about is having a good time, right? It's like, the best part about giving a gift, right? You get a gift, you give it to someone, you don't realize that the thrill is really for the gift giver. You think it's like the person receiving the gift, but it's really the thrill of giving

the gift. And it's the same thing when you bring your friend from Tampa on the road and you show them that you'll leave there being like, that felt so good to show my friend a good time. That is, I will be bringing friends on every single one of my tours. It's the best. Because I'm already comfortable everyone living in the tour bus. And how much fun will everyone else have?

I mean, you have your one from I have a friend who's like, so what kind of shit do I get hooked up with? I'm like, what? He's like, I mean, like, I do so much of that hook up. You should do free. And you're like, yeah, I'll pay for it. He's like, I want to see some like baller shit. You're like, Jesus Christ.

Why are we even? I took the girls with me when we got Mac or our new bull mass dip. Yeah. I brought the girls with me on tour to go to, I know we know it's on an ad read. Fucking wrap it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a fucking meeting. So I took the girls with me to Arizona.

Yeah. And I put them on the bus. and we all go on the bus, we have like nine guys on the bus, and then George and Ila, and the excitement they had in their eyes of like getting in their bunks, and like pulling it to our first, like, you know, you get outside of LA, and then everyone's like, we're gonna go to gas station. We're all booze, and George and Ila like walk up from the back, and they're like, Hey, is it okay if we go in the gas station? I'm like, are you kidding me? This is the greatest part of the trip. What do you guys want?

We get to buy whatever the fuck we wanted a gas station and they're like, let's get canes and you're like, oh, we're gonna definitely get in canes. Like we just bought so much candy and then we end up next morning. You guys who bought fucking every box of donuts? But the most fun thing is is like when you're on a bus and you guys to, who bought fucking every box of donuts? But the most fun thing is like when you're on a bus and you have a friend who doesn't tour and you stop at like a flying J, you know, truck stop and you're like, let's buy glitter hats and fucking. Tazers?

Yeah, we played Tazertag. And then, yeah. Oh, I am already, can I tell you what I'm doing when I get done this? I'm getting the car, I get the car. I'm calling up everyone to go on tour with me. Yeah, I'm telling you, it's, it changed. Like I did it on a few weekends last tour.

And every time I did it, I was so happy that I did it. And then I was like, what, this time with this time off, I'm gonna go on one of your tour dates and pretend I've never done stand up. I'll be the character that's never done stand up. And I'll be like, wait wait what is this? Sound check it hey speaking of friends. I've got to say Ryan Ciclors podcast is so fucking good It's great. He is such a great interviewer. I listened to him at Felipe yesterday with Leanne, like just randomly, because I guess Felipe is going through some stuff

with his daughters not doing so well. I did not know that. It's pretty, it was a, but it was an amazing interview. I just started listening, cause I saw the caption, and I was like, oh shit, what's going on with Felipe's daughter.

And then I started listening from the beginning, what's great about this podcast, which made me think my podcast is shit, he gets right into it. I don't know if we'll leave his daughter. And then I started listening from the beginning, what's great about this podcast, which made me think my podcast is shit, he gets right into it, he gets right into it. And he's such a natural, like, he's a great interviewer. Storyteller and interviewer.

And he's really engaged and it was like his, I know he didn't do much of a pre-interview because I'm just, but it was such a great fucking interview that I'm sitting here going, God damn it man, he did a great job. Yeah, I had to go. The honeydew. He's so funny and so like endearing, you know, as a host. Like you just want, you want to hang out with him, you want to make him laugh, you want to spend time with him. He was, that was so good and I was like, God, to do the honey dude But I got to wait until fucking coronavirus numbers are fucking lower Shout out to a K a

Alpha cap Alpha First female vice president. Yeah, it's a member of alpha cap Alpha at a Howard University did not know that alpha Alpha alpha that's com comular Harris is how did you how do you know that? Of course you would know. I knew that because I think through Red Grant. I think Red is still very big with his Greek family. Him and Phines Mitchell are still very big with like Greek life. Really?

And yeah, and I think I saw a post one of them must have put up, or someone put up about Kamala Harris being Kamala Harris being an Alpha Kappa Alpha. And here's what I think is cool about that, is that being an fraternity, you know how often white fraternities, white male fraternities have touted presidents as members of their fraternity. Put in popular male, popular president fraternity or something,

fraternity president, not fraternity president, it's gonna come up. American president fraternities, if fraternities, yeah, there we go. He'll figure it out. 85% have been in fraternities. That's of all justices of the Supreme Court. Have been members of fraternities. That's of all justices of the Supreme Court. Oh, have been members of fraternities.

Yes, presidents, as we're what to have been in nation-inter fraternities. George W. Bush, H.A. Bush, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford, Franklin Roosevelt. And so it's such an interesting fact of things you've seen in white male fraternities that I think anyone that's Greek really gets a kick out of the fact that Alfcap Alpha has the first female vice president.

Yeah. Especially, I mean, obviously, first female vice president, but more importantly, this is a woman of color. I think he's just fucking badass. Yeah, I always forget that you were in a fraternity and then I'm like, oh, yeah, of course. I bought Leanne and my fraternity letters for Christmas. I bought an ATO sweatshirt and I bought her a Katie sweatshirt She was like the fuck when the fuck am I gonna wear a Katie sweatshirt? She's like I'm 50 bird and I was like yeah, throw it on you like it. Hey, look at this already mom. Yeah

She's older than a sorority mom. I'm fucking the older than a sorority mom lady She's in a different fucking vaccine group than I am. She's gonna get vaccinated with the old people and come on. I'm on tour. Oh my god. Oh, that was a good episode. It was. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Live stream.yamhstudios.com for the tickets for the big game February 7th. I'm in pressure myself and Warren Saff. I'm going to tell you, I'm no slight on the men working in the in the booth this week.

Yeah. I miss the dobs laugh. The dobs laugh. Yeah, I miss it. A lot of people don't know. The dog is no longer with us. I, yeah, I miss him. So, Nadav, if you're watching this, I hope you're laughing by yourself in Jerusalem. Up there.

Also, more importantly, store.ymhstudios.com has all the merch, the air cigarettes stuff flew off the shelves. I have reached out about, because I got so many messages about the new era hats, the ones that that went. And I I told them I would place a massive order, but everyone hit me up about those hats. I told them I would place a huge order, but last time we got delayed nine or 10 months on the order or something like that, I'm like, is it gonna be that long? We can't wait that long. So we'll see.

All right, that's it. Thanks for listening, thanks for watching. Love you, buddy. Love you too, buddy. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swat the other, where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine, there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean, here's what we call,

screw, there's one cave, no scripts, a bed of booze, amateur, pathology, dirty jokes, rancher humor, no apologies, here's what we call, screw Apologies, here's what we call