2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 67 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Miss out on 2 Bears, 1 Sapp LIVE? It's available at https://livestream.ymhstudios.com/ RIGHT NOW! SPONSORS: - Receive $10 Off Your First Pair of Feetures when you go to http://feetures.com/CAVE - Go to https://www.shipstation.com , click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in CAVE for a 60-day free trial. - Re-shop your home and auto insurance today at https://www.policygenius.com/ Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing the time Bert's spent in Rome. They also talk about how fast Bert is in the bedroom, shooting their Super Bowl commercials, Marilyn Manson's abuse accusations, Dustin Diamond's passing, and their most extreme heckler stories.

Mr. Live Show, you can still watch it. Go to livestream.ymhstudios.com and watch the show now. Bert Kreischer warns that in me, lots of laughs, check it out. So, let's be very clear. Let's do it. It started at 6 in the morning. 6 in the morning, I just... Most people.

I took a shadow whiskey at 6 in the morning. Wait, why? I celebrate my power. 100% A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Modern day Iran is Persia. I had a weird thought the other day You did when they say ancient Rome Are they talking about the city? Huh that city was the capital of the world at one point? Yeah, wow You've been to Rome. Yeah a bunch a bunch. I'll buy fucking five times really?

Wait all for travel channel or before then to oh Twice three time Like fucking five times. Really? Wait, all for travel channel or before then too? Twice, three times without travel channel. And I guess I've been more than five. I've been a bunch. When did you go to Rome so many times? Rome was the first place I ever had a panic attack, like a full-blown panic attack. Oh, you went there for that?

I went there for that. No, I got, the first time I went to Rome, I had a panic attack because I'd never been in a subway system. I was probably 25, 22, 22 years old. And it flipped me the fuck out and I shut down. And then, and then I went, I got, that city is chaos, man.

Fucking chaos. Rome, like the difference between Roman Paris is quite notable. You know? I got Paris was like a big... The first time I went there. Really? I was like, you know what I think it was?

I think we were in the suburbs. And you're just like, so this just like any fucking city. Maybe I just feel like Paris, I mean, I'm not well versed in either city, but I felt like Paris was easier to navigate. And yeah. Paris was easier to navigate and yeah, you know like the Transportation systems seemed like for a foreigner easier to get around like I didn't I wasn't in Rome Oh my god, dude. It was it was madness. Yeah a room. I flipped out. I shut down. I mean twice It got so bad that the one another time. I mean I can't even tell you how many times I've been in a room now

That I think about it one time I went to Rome Leanne had to draw me a bath And I had to open a bottle of wine so I was so fucking freaked out. She was there with you. She I had a Full-blown to panic attack full-blown second fucking Rome man And then the last time I went to Rome. I don't think you should go to Rome again No, I take this back. I'm not that you know so funny. I'm planning a fucking trip with the girls in Europe and and from I'm going to Rome Because now I love Rome that so like I don't know how many times I've been to Rome with the end oh I heard it the first minute the first time I went to Rome You know how many times you've been to Rome with Leanne? I think once

with Leanne. I think once. I was that confused you. Because I, you know what I'm going to be honest with you man, Europe kind of blends in, like all of Italy blends into, if you say, okay, ready, if you say describe Paris, I go, oh, black dude, making out with a chick in the metro finger and her, like that's how, that's my memory of that. And then the guy talking slick as shit, because he had like a Parisian accent. Yeah, and he was like Like he was making out with this chick fingering and I am staring

I'm like 22 years old and I'm watching and I'm like he is fingering her on the Metro That's bugging and I expected him to be like yo, what up kid, you know, he was like You know I'm certain that offended somebody. And what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what, what if, what, what if, what if, what, what if, what, what if, what if, what, what if, what if, what, what if, what, what if, what, what, what if, went the, whatever I did, maybe I went to Rome twice with Leanne, maybe I don't know. But one time I walked the whole city, I didn't get in the subways and I walked the whole city. A Rome? A Rome, I walked it, and it was a fucking blast. And I was like, oh, this is what you gotta do.

Don't get into these fucking subways. The Roman subrays are a nightmare. I fucking met these two hot as fuck chicks in Rome. And we hung out all day, I like, and I was just like, I had a heart on the whole day. And I thought we were gonna fuck on a train. I just remembered the Roman. You're so funny. I got pictures of them. I'll show you. Oh yeah. I was an interesting little side story. I met a girl in Europe that I just figured I was going to

marry and we stayed in touch for like fucking 20 years. Really? Like, yeah, it was really, she's still just a good friend of mine now. You have a lot of these. Pull her up. This is last week. You were just like, oh yeah, this girl I dated and she's one of my best friends and Leanne struggles with it.

Yeah, Erica. The note, this girl, we met and it it's like we just connected but I had a boy for I had a girlfriend. You had a boyfriend or a girlfriend? You got you really stumbled there Yeah, you did Yeah, yeah, she has a strap on and she's like Once his name Lexi Ryan or whatever like came over and I fucked him in the ass and he fucked me in the ass That's what friends are for and this someone wrote isn't he married Laughing cuz I was like I don't think he cares. I don't think he cares about...

I didn't know what he was doing. And the white nose. She knows. It's not a slip-up. Oh, shit, you tweeted that out. You know I'm married, right? I'm married. My wife's gonna get super pissed that we fuck each other in the ass

Oh No, I don't think I'd like it but I can look when I wish I could find the girl in this guy I wish I could find them on Twitter so you could see how big this dildo was yeah, and I was like I Wonder if you if you were like texted a friend, you know like there was a porn star and she's like hey What are you doing then you're like? I hang out with my wife. She was like can you dip away from her? I want to fuck you in the ass. The dildo and hit me like, hang on, let me check honey. Is it cool? And then is it cool? I think one of my first questions would be, how big is it?

Because it was a solid piece. Like it was a big strap on. Yeah. And I saw the peg lady for a good I did Nikki Glazer show like she had that comedy central sex show. Yeah, yeah, yeah We went to a pegging class. There's like a segment of it on YouTube really a pegging class Yeah, so there's like a lady who's like I'm the peg master. It's an impact. I don't think so She should legally she was a fucking man so. She was a big chick too. She was like 6'1 and like, you know, like broad and she was like, and I like the fuck I'm a young and dumb.

I'm like, oh my god. And I was like, you know, she was bringing out all the sizes and I was like, oh, I've never had it, you know, trying to like contribute to the thing and I was like, where should I start? She was like, you want to start small. You want to start with this big stuff. Yeah, what is that? What do you have? No, shit. Yeah, and she was like, where should I start? She was, you want to start small. You don't want to start with this big stuff. Yeah, what does that want? No, it's shit.

Yeah, and she was like, what do you have? She goes, you want one of these? And it was like the size of Chapstick. She was like, that'll get you going, loosening up a little bit. Then you graduate to this other stuff. She goes, yeah, she was like her favorite thing to do. So she teaches couples how to do it.

What? I'm like, you know, I let you look, can you Google small, um, strap-ons? Cause I maybe, if maybe if you had like a tiny, dude, do you remember? There you go.

Oh, there you go. Yeah. Oh, yeah, give me the, Oh, yeah, that's exactly what she said to start with. Oh, actually, that's doable. No chick that looks like that, where's that fucking thing? That body does not wear. Fuck no.'s doable. No chick that looks like that, where's that fucking thing? That body does not wear.

Fuck no. No. What do you think? It's a chick with like my body that wears a strap on. I can't take the fucks here in the ass. It looks like... It looks like me. Ugh.

Wait. Uh... How... What do you think your wife would say if you just, if you gave that as a gift for like an anniversary? She would laugh, but then if I was like, no, I really wouldn't. She'd be like, for real?

That's a funny anniversary gift. And then she would be like, I mean, and then it would be, if I was like, you know, I really need this. I wonder, I bet there's been times I've been so turned on that I would let Leanne fuck me in the ass just to fuck her. Sure, I'm sure you would. I guarantee you, there are probably more times

than I'm comfortable sharing, that I'd be like, okay, just get it over with, and then I'd be like, I'm kind of into it. Yeah, yeah. God. Wait, so you, but you have had anal. Yes. Regularly?

No, no, no, it was a one and done. How was it? No, I thought it was okay. You thought it was okay? I thought it was cool. Did you do any prep? No. Endima.

No. Did you have turd all over your cock? This is, yeah, this is, yeah. This is getting to a really uncomfortable. Okay, start from the beginning. I think I got sick too. Yes, sick? I don't know.

It was not. And then abruptly. I had chocolate on my finger one time, you know. Oh, for finger blasting a girl. I fingered a girl's asshole one time and was playing with the turd, didn't know what it was. I'm like, what is this? And then I'm like, oh, that's a shit.

Oh, God. That seems like such a move you would do. And let's get to the question everyone wants to know. Did you smell your finger? Uh, sure I did. I can't imagine any scenario where I wouldn't go, oh, wait, what's under my nail? Oh, God, man.

There's so much I didn't know about the woman's body when I first have my nail. Oh god man, there's so much, there's so much, there's so much I didn't know about the woman's body when I first started having sex. That she has turds in her ass. Yeah, that one alluded to you. So wait, did you finish inner butthole? Yeah. I mean that must have been nice.

I thought it was pretty enjoyable. She was not that into it. She like you could tell she was like, so it was your idea to do it. Oh yeah. Yeah. But whatever, what is there, are there women that go? Yes, I'm, yeah.

For real? Yeah, yeah. I remember we have a lot of, I probably not like, I don't think there's a, you probably don't find a lot of like 19 year old girls who are like, I love getting my ass pound. But I think like, as, you know, in their 30s and stuff, you probably find it more.

Is there women that like anal sex? Of course. For real? Yeah. Watch, we're gonna get some messages. Yes, Bert, I do love it up the ass. I can't imagine, Leanne is not that girl. Oh, yeah. She would never fucking ever do it.

And I said to her, I was like, here's the deal. I'm cool never doing it. I have to know that you've never done it. Because if you've done it, now I have to do it to you. Right. Because I got to be the guy that takes you to your lowest place. Does that make sense?

Yes. Yes. A put a Everest on there. I got into the fucking hardest giggling fit, but I don't want to derail this anal sex conversation. No, Christina would never do it either. Yeah, and here's the thing. I'm okay. It would only be rough for me. I think if I was like, that's what I, that's my dream or that's what I need, then you're in a tough spot. But I don't, since I don't like fantasize about it or anything, I don't care. And then it knows how fast I can have sex. Oh, you can?

Oh my God. How fast can you have sex? I mean, and this is when you call the expert, I shall tell you, I've done it. I want to say seconds. Is that any in there? Yeah. I think he's, I think he's a laughing at the fact that you're bragging about it.

There's nothing I can, like, there's nothing I can do about it. I, I, in the end, can I almost, I, she was like, she was like, hello. Hey, are you by yourself? I am in the house that Sean. All right, I'll call you later. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I We're talking about sex Oh, I think I could talk about that in front of our contractor

We were talking about what's the fastest I've ever I've ever had sex. Oh Remember it was like one minute and Seven seconds or something like that? Champion all right. It was record breaking. Yeah, awesome. All right. I'll talk to you later I love you. I don't want to brag but I think I got your beat you Yeah, I'm doing my the first time I had sex. Yeah, it was one pump pull out and blue load every I remember I remember doing that in high school where and I was like sorry that was only like and I said a number I was like sorry. I was almost like

I said like three minutes or something like that She was like that was not three minutes. I was like what do you mean? She was like that was like three seconds Hey, can you find a porn can you find a porn where they're I want to see one pump jumps like Can you find a porn where they're gonna? I wanna see one pump chumps, like porn stars. Like if I had sex with a porn star, I would have an orgasm in seconds. And like legit first time in two pump chump, epic male. Oh yeah, premature ejaculation.

Oh yeah, here 12 year old, I'm kidding. Yeah. Oh yeah, premature ejaculation. Oh yeah, here 12 year old, no kidding. Hahaha. Do they have, I remember one time on stage. Just do a Google, do a search in there, search thing there for like, come fast. I haven't been watching a lot of porn lately. I haven't seen porn in a while. Yeah, I mean either.

I don't know why, I think it's because I'm quarantined and it's just not, it's not, it's not like the road. You know what, like when you're on a hotel. I got to the point where I was, and I would bring it up to people in the end, the end would be like, I think you're, what you're used to. You're bringing up porn to random people.

I'm like, I'm gonna stage hands at theaters, and they're like oh good yeah no I'm seeing that scene. You're like I'll just drug it off and I was wondering have you seen. I'm so comfortable talking about porn. Yeah. It's bringing up to be like not everyone wants this porn the way you do. It's true it's true on the road

too you're just like the worst is when you you get so fucking, your brain gets so used to road life that like, to the fucking, you know, one of the stage guys is like, hey, so for this backup mic and you're sitting there on the side of the stage and you're like, watching a porn, and the guy's I was like, you got a meeting and you're like, oh, sorry, my bad, man. I remember I was watching a porn in the living room with my wife and daughters.

I was watching a porn on my phone and I just didn't even get on me. Exactly. I remember telling someone, I was watching a porn talking to my aunt, and it occurred to me because she was like, you sound distracted and I was like, I was like, oh yeah, I'm watching porn right now.

I was like, I wish. I remember when I first, see we came from a generation where like, pornography was hard to find, and all of a sudden it blossomed. Yeah. And I remember being like, I remember the first perverted porn I ever watched. The first time I went out of what I thought were the Christian norms where you were like, like porn for me growing up was like a naked lady, that was it.

And then you'd see a guy fucking a girl, you'd be like, okay. And then you're like anal sex, all right, that's fine, that's fine. Two fucking a girl, you'd be like, okay. And then you're like anal sex. All right, that's fine, that's fine. Two guys in a girl and you're like, okay. And then I remember one time everyone was like, oh, we saw this poem with this dog, fuck this girl. And they're like, what's his name? It got hard.

And then I was like, didn't got to see that, like in my head, right? Yeah. And then I moved to LA. I was in New York. I had moved to LA I was at the Universal Sheridan and I got I got a porn site I got into a porn site somehow I maybe I gave it a credit card I was just desperate and the first one

that I saw that I was like hold on was pregnancy porn and I was like I was like I don't think I should look at this I remember thinking that now I've seen so many fucking pregnant people fuck like and I was like I don't think I should look at this. This is bad. Is this child molestation like is this perverted? Yeah And then I was like all right check it out and I checked it out and I was like oh fuck and then I got off it But I was like oh and then when I fuck Leanne I was like okay. I'm going back to that Because he angers that pregnant and I was like oh I kind of sexy when I fucked Leanne, I was like, okay, I'm going back to that. Because Leanne's got pregnant. I was like, oh, I kind of sexy. I remember we would watch the spice channel.

And every like one time, I think the dad ordered it. So it was at my neighbor's house as a kid. So we would watch the batteries trying to molest you guys. Yeah. Well, it's like, hey, take your shirt off. Well, we would watch it. We would watch it scrambled. And you would see the frame for like a second and that was and I'm talking about like 10 11 years old. So you're seeing a frame or two Pass through but then one time I guess the dad had ordered it so it stayed on the feed for a while and we lost their minds

But even that wasn't like hard like what you see now on you porn or whatever you know, so Fast forward like a few years, I think I've seen porn because I've seen those, like spice ones, which was basically like, a little step above like the cinematics, soft core, but it wasn't like the hardcore stuff you see. So I'm in Peru visiting my family and my cousins are like my age and then a couple of years older than me.

So like I'm 13, there's one who's 14, one who's 16, right? And my cousin's like, who's your moms? Yeah, this is this is actually yeah, it's her family. So I have there's three guy cousins that are like around, we're all around the same age. So I'm at their place and they're like, one of them goes, I guess something you've never seen before. And I go, what? He was like porn and I goes, I've got something you've never seen before. And I go, what? He was like porn. And I go, I've seen porn. He goes, not like this.

And I was like, I think I have. And he put it on it. What it was was just hardcore porn, but he was right. I hadn't seen like penetration. And like, ejaculate. And I was like, oh, and he's like, we'll leave you with the tape for a few days.

Because I was like, sounds good to me. And then, I masturbated so much, I got sick, I got a fever, like I was sick. Is that happened? That was terrible. You got a fever? I got a fever. I think I masturbated like eight times in the day.

You're getting dehydrated? Oh, I guess. And then I remember seeing the craziest, like, so after that I thought, so hard core stuff is like a blow job, a guy going down and then the different positions. You're like, yeah. I remember watching a porn and like seeing a blow job

and then this guy squatted over the girl's face and put his ass in her mouth and she just obliged and I was like, I was like, that's where he shits. He's putting his ass in her mouth and she just obliged and I was like, I was like, that's where he shits. He's putting his ass in her mouth. Yeah, and I couldn't believe, I said they're just like, what? Oh. And I almost like, I wanted to call the police and like, help her.

I was like, you can't, you know what to do. You can't do that. You're putting your ass hole in her face. I couldn't believe it, man. I couldn't not believe it. I remember telling, Leah, I remember telling someone that I came, I was flying off the road, I was buzzed, I land. We go to dinner at someone's house and I just go, I was like, yeah, they're like, how was the road?

I go, I had a crazy experience. I was watching a porn and I came at the same time the guy came and Leanne goes, we these people, we don't know these people. And this guy's face is like, he's like, you tell somebody, how hard you came? I came the same time, the guy came and the guy was like this. And I was like, I mean, I wanted to say that the guy came and the guy was like this and I was like I'm not wanted to high five of or something Collin Jim didn't even look at me and the guys just like Oh, wait, I should I should real quick point out if you missed the live stream Yesterday. Oh, yeah, but we had such a good time.

It was a blast. We're recording this before it. But it was so fun. But we were really excited about having. Having done it. It's and you can still watch it live stream. YMH Studios.com. It's up for a week there.

Yeah. More in SAP was here. Yep. And we hope we hope no one got COVID and we had to cancel it. Yeah, there's only a few days until the thing. You probably know better than us. How was it? Did you like it? Did you like our, hey, we want to thank our super role commercial actors? Yes. Jordan and Chloe. Yeah, they were great. Chloe's dad and my dad went to high school. That's the weirdest thing. And college together. How crazy is that?

It's funny how the conversation evolved because you're just like, oh, like, oh, where are you guys from? And then she's feeling like, oh, my God. It's really, but it's interesting. It was almost like when I buy a hat, because whenever I buy a hat, I have a size eight head. I always go, who was size eights do you have?

Like, I go, it's everything. I go, man, you don't have everything. I know that, because I've done this a lot. I open one walk around with this Ed for a while, and I go, okay, how about that one? He looks and he goes, no, I don't have a Nate. And I was like, I know, I go, how about that one?

And he goes, no, I don't have that Nate either. I go, how about this? Let's start all over. What size H'd you have? And he goes, hold on. And then he's like, whatever city it's in, like say it's in Cincinnati, he's like, oh, we have a red hat in the name.

And I was like, then I'll take that. Right. And so she said, I said, where are you from? She said, Philly. And I went, hey, really? She goes, oh, this suburb in Philly. And I was like, my cousin's from a sub, my cousin is from a suburb in Philly.

Yeah. She's like, oh, it's called Brynmore. And I went, my sister was born in Brynmore Hospital. I said, my Nana grew up, my mom grew up across Street from Valley Forge Military Academy. And then she's like, wait, really? I said, yeah, my dad went to Malvern. She goes, my dad went to Malvern.

And I said, yeah, my dad went to Villanova. And she goes, my dad went to Villanova. I said, I wonder if they know each other. She goes, no, it's a hell of your dad. She goes 73, my dad's 73. She goes, hold on. So I call her my my dad and I go dad Did you know a guy named something yeah, and he goes to dr. Tony. Yeah, she goes he knows my dad

It was so fucking crazy. I love and then I got obsessed like I all the sudden I get obsessed with something and I start going How crazy is it that our dad's went and someone if you just grabbed them and go Just you know one day your kids will be acting and it's really yeah short together for it's just so bizarre like if I Keep thinking to myself. I remember watching the war in sap go out out of the field at Florida state field Doek Campbell and grab turf for this hand Mm-hmm and just like this is my like grab the Indian face Yeah, and grab the turf and hand. And just like this is my, like grab the Indian face and grab the turf and look, and the biggest fight broke out. If you would wait between Florida State Miami,

I don't believe you. Oh, it was so fucking chaos. That was worth a days, man. See if there's a video of Warrisap ripping out the turf. I'm sure I brought this up on this weekend's podcast. Oh, yes. No, never mind, never mind. It's gonna be too hard to find.

So I know what you mean. But if you told me, I keep, I get obsessed with this. Going back to time and someone stopped me and going, hey, 20-year-old Bert, that guy and you were gonna do a show together. And I'm like, wait, what are you talking about? Do I become a pro athlete? And he's like, ah, no. I get obsessed with that shit.

Yeah, I mean, you were in a stadium watching him play ball in college. And yeah, now you did a... I was a phone number. Like, same with Snoop. I kept, I was a weird thing about getting high around Snoop, was you start going, I listened to you so much. So much. Like, so I, words you came up with and linked together,

I would sing all the time. You made songs I'd sing all the fucking time. And some of those words I can't even sing back to you. Oh, the majority of them. But I get obsessed with it like, I don't know, whatever, whatever. I keep going back to thinking of- I do. They used to remind me that I remember listening to Doggy Style and it's like 1993 I think.

And I mean, I'm a young teenage boy. And that album is so like X-rated. And the interstitials are like, yeah, bitch, you want to see that. I was like, this is how you should talk to people. Can you believe there's, I loved it. Can you believe there's, there's white people that say they've never sung the N word?

Yeah. But can you believe that there's, like, they, it's a lie, I think it's just a lie. Like, I don't think there's any, there, I can't imagine a world that like, someone gave you NWA's album. Yeah. And you said, oh, what is this?

Mm-hmm. And that there are people that claim they went, I actually can't tell you. Oh, what NWA stands for? Yeah. And you're like, why not? There's, I'm, there's good knowing you. Oh, what? NWA stands for? Yeah. And you're like, why not? There's, I'm, I'm just good knowing you. I hope you enjoy the album and just walk away.

That's the world they say they lived in. Yeah, yeah. As opposed to just the fucking, which, what does this stand for? I forget. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha from the, I remember you used to be two baseball leagues. Yeah. So the major league baseball, and then an alternative one, I can't remember the name of it. Oh, the Negro League? Ha ha ha!

You can't, yeah. I bought two hats. I think you're a lagerist, like, referred to like a historical league. I bought two hats from there. I was gonna wear from the Negro League. Oh, okay. It feels, I just been wise

that this Ken Burns documentary, I was like, he has no problem, they have no problem saying it throughout the entire thing. It's what it's called. It's what it's called. It was full of Negroes. I know what you're talking about.

Yeah. Oh, wait, my bad. Go ahead. So, I, you know, I had that word in my special. You do? I did. It was my my and right before someone was like I Don't think that's gonna age well the way you're saying it and I was cuz well how did you say it?

Where you like on the flight here so many Negroes What you say You can explain it. My point is, my point is, my point is, I bought two hats. Okay, I bought two hats. And by the way, they fucking, if you wanna talk about separate but unequal,

the fucking hats, they gave you the, like, I don't know the right way to say this, but clearly the uniforms worn up to par with what majorly uniforms were. Right. And so the bills are floppy. Like they're like, they're really, they're expensive hats that I bought, but you wouldn't

wear them because you look like you're wearing a hat that's kind of like crappy. Uh-huh. Like I don't know why they didn't just put it in a, but they're authentic. So authentic hats at the time didn't have a bill. It's almost as if at the time, the black players were getting like second class fabrics and equipment. It's hard to believe. But then they sold those to a white guy in 2020.

Yeah, one, no, go to Ebots, Ebots, it's a really cool, Ebots field hats. Yeah. So. But like you said, it's supposed to be an authentic hat. It's an authentic hat, but it's like, I can't wear it because now I look like a schoolboy. Like I don't, it doesn't, I almost brought them to show you.

Okay. But I got them and I said to Leanne, I was like, what do you think of these hats on me? She was like, oh, you still don't look good. And I went, for real, she goes, yeah, they're too small. They look like little school boy hats. Yeah. And I said they're from the Negro base.

Because whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't say that. My daughter's lit up. And then I was like, for real? And so I was like, oh, great. I guess I'll just put these hats in the closet, never talk about them. And I was like, that's fucking ridiculous. I'm obsessed. Wait, what are you supposed to, how are you supposed to describe, like, oh, great. I guess I'll just put these hats on the closet, never talk about them. And I was like, that's fucking ridiculous. I'm obsessed.

Wait, what are you supposed to, how are you supposed to describe, like say the league though? That's, that is how you say it. That is definitely how you say it. That's what it was called. That's what it's written on ebbs. If you go to ebbs, that's what they call it.

Yeah. I'm obsessed with Satchel Page and Bucco Neal. Bucco Neal, obsessed. I get a, I'm man, I've been watching this. Bucco Neil had this energy about him when he talked about baseball. He could just tell the story goes, oh, he had the best fucking,

I wish I could find this quote. He said, I heard, I heard a sound three times when Babe Ruth hit a home run, Josh Gibson hit a home run, and one more person. I've only heard that sound from three people. See if you can type in Bucconial, I heard the sound three times, something heard sound three times.

It was such a great quote, but it was like, the way he... Yeah. Babe Ruth, Josh Gibson What does Dave Ruth Josh Gibson, Bo Jackson. Bo Jackson, that's it. He said, I wonder if I would have been for someone says I wonder if it would have been for if he had lived to see Bryce Harper. But the year I remember I remember hearing that sound with Bo Jackson, I do Bo Jackson. Bo do. Bo Jackson.

Bo Jackson, maybe the greatest athlete, the greatest specimen that's ever lived. Could be, easily. You have a strong, there's a strong case for it. I mean, never lifted weights here that they said, right? You guys are too young for Bo Jackson, right? Yeah, I am, for sure. What about any you? I don't know who you are, I don't really know, yeah. What about any you?

Well, did you just say I don't know who he is? You got to watch you got to watch his you got to watch the 30 for 30 just type in type in real quick Bo Jackson highlight reel dude Bo Jackson broke a bat over his oh, yeah, this dude is thighs. Look at his fucking thighs Oh, yeah, this is his thighs look at his fucking thighs Yeah, just make sure that's muted that's not him is that you said that's not him. This is like ad Let me see this yeah Yeah, we're gonna mute it though I don't care. I just it's so great. Oh, I guess I don't look at this he broke a bat over his head dude. He's oh look Look at this guy I mean he's so fat he beat out a

ground ball to the second basement look at his everyone's on their feet because they never there's no athlete like this in baseball Bo Jackson And this was his second sport, you know, you I mean Do you remember when he took down what who's a Seahawk Ryan not Ryan Brian Bosworth Brian Bosworth? Of course, I remember that the the one play that he had when he when he ran up and over the wall Yeah, Bo Jackson was next level. You gotta watch the 30 for 30 if you haven't seen it. It's really incredible.

He's a bow hunter now, right? He loves hunting and, you know, he's an outdoorsman. Who's been? Bo Jackson or D.O. Sanders? Well, I've heard the, you know, that brought up before. Yeah. I mean, they're both ridiculous athletes, man. I mean, they're both ridiculous athletes, man.

I mean, they're different types of, because Bo ended up being like 225, and according to everybody then was running a sub 4, 340. So, you know, somebody that big and strong, carrying the ball, like in football, that, I mean, he, nobody could catch him. No one could catch him. And he's 225 pounds.

And then with Dion, you have like, track star speed. Track star speed. And, and, and, and, but he also would shut down. He mean, you know, there was, there were games where like, they just didn't throw to who, like, whoever is, he's covering, just don't even throw over there. I wonder, Deon is, Deon's probably all around. Okay, let's break this down then,

because LeBron, when we talk about athletic specimens, Bo Jackson LeBron, that, LeBron probably, LeBron probably, LeBron could play every sport, I bet. I mean, I bet he, you know, they talk about how good he was at football and he stopped playing his sophomore year in high school.

And then you go like, imagine if he was like a tight end or a defensive end or something, he's 68-250 and he has like no body fat and he has a 40 plus inch vertical. I mean, it stinks that we take our athletes and we put them only into one field. Like we should put them. I would love, I would love to see Randy Moss

versus Deon Sanders in a basketball game. Or like just, just, he was really good at basketball. Battle the network stars, that big kind of like, take all these ex athletes and just You you seen that Randy's high school basketball highlights. Did you he played with Jason Williams and he's I remember Do you remember the commercial they had? Yeah data commercial some good old boys. Yeah, oh man He's country is shit Randy Moss Randy Moss is really country. Yeah, I remember that I remember I think I told you when I was in high school in Florida, Vince Carter was in high school in Daytona Beach

before he transferred to Carolina, so that one of that, like okay, or something. So they had, he's in Daytona. So on the local news at night, you know, I'm in high school, they're showing they're like local basketball star, Vince Carter at Daytona, and they would show his high school highlights. You're like, oh my God.

Like he was doing shit off the backboard, reverse windmill shit. He's like 15 years old. God. Like yeah, all those guys you're listening are other level specimens, man. I blows me away. I blows me away. Blows me away.

Especially that this is where injustice lies. That BoJackson breaks his hip and never is the same. And also the details of how that injury happened. It's the most fascinating. Yeah, what is it? So he's playing against, I think Cincinnati. He's a raider. And he's getting tackled like from behind and he's so powerful

and so strong that the force with which he pulls his leg up is what injures his hip. So he is like a horse that is so strong when he pulls that the injury is from his own strength. It's not that somebody hit him or he fell wrong. It's like I tore my own shit out of its socket. I, man. Basically the injury would be impossible for 99.9999 percent of the population. I think I got the best childhood in the world because all my heroes got enough air time to turn them into ultimate heroes, but not enough where they destroyed them. You know what I mean?

Like we didn't get enough of, we didn't get any of Bo Jackson's politics, and I don't know what they are, but I'm certain they're probably fucking a little out there. I'm sure he has some ideas that are not perfect. Bo Jackson? I've been Bo-ja, he hunts.

I guarantee, like automatically you're like, you're like, okay. What are Bo Jackson's politics? Yeah. What? I mean, I've been Bo Jackson's politics. Okay. Looks like he endorsed Doug Jones.

Who's Doug Jones? He's the guy that was running against that senator and Alabama who had the accusations of grooming young ladies. So let's see what Bo said about this. This will tell you where he stands. Can you find the part? There's Bo. Happy. Oh, on your win.

Yeah, so he's more libed than you thought. I thought it would be, because one of those sneaky conservatives, where you're like, which there's nothing wrong with, but sometimes with the guys like that, you're like, just because he hunts and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, because he hunts. But like Deon Sanders, they gave him enough room to kind of be primetime. Oh, man. I remember when that was on Sports Illustrated. Like, I got the best, you want to beer? A Bud Light Seltzer? Yeah.

Yeah, a little sip. All right. You want one? You do it. What? He's the trick is a corona, that's no. Is there corona in that? You mean COVID?

That's it, my bad. It's Bud Light Seltzer. It's really good. That's really good. Which one is it? Peach Lemonade. Peach Lemonade. I must have killed these a lot of these.

I think you did. I just find it, I find it very lucky that I got to experience a life when celebrities were celebrities. Tom Seleck was Tom Seleck, you know? As opposed to Tom Seleck, the NRA fight, you know, like. Oh right, where we didn't really know much about them. And then like where, you know what the other thing is

about social media, there's a good thing about the technology today and then there's the bad thing. The bad thing is that when we were younger, I feel like because of the lack of tech, there was a little more mystery to your celebrity. Right? Oh my God, oh my God. Now we just know everything about everybody.

People know everything about me because I put it all out there. Like people know intimate details about my life. Oh yeah. And I feel like sometimes that was a maybe a misstep. Really? But you know, I think that's where people get caught. You ready for this theory?

Sometimes you brand yourself one thing and you tell everyone this is who I am. I am ultimate liberal male feminist, you know, cross-bored and then when you do some shit that isn't on brand with you, that's when they call you out. So in my head I was like like, well, if I put all my shit out there, everyone knows everything about me. I'm not really hiding anything, because I tell way too much about myself. Like, I'm open book to the point where I think I've said things

on this podcast, I've been said to my wife. And then, and then you go, well, at least I'll always be on brand. You know? It's like, it's like not lying about how much I drink because I did that because I didn't want to, once you lie about what you're doing, then everyone catches you in it, and then they start going,

oh, so wait, like I've seen videos, I've seen takedown videos of people who pretend they don't use drugs, and then they clearly they use drugs, and then everyone's like, the fuck's wrong with this guy? He's a liar. You're like, oh, I may tell some tall tales,

but at least I'm pretty honest with who the fuck I am, you know? Yeah. So I think that that's the catchy thing. Like, I know this is not probably a great time to have a take on this, but like the Marilyn Manson stuff. Yeah, so I don't know this. All I saw was that he was accused of what mistreating his ex and then as his label dropped. He just dropped. Evan Rachel would accuse his Manson of abuse

He started grooming me when I was a teenager and horrifically abused me for years Jesus. What did he do to her? I don't know. I don't know the story at all Also known the world is Maryland Manson He started grooming when I was a teenager horrifically because I was brainwashed and Manipulated in a submission. I'm done living in fear. She's only 33. retaliation slandered or blackmail. I'm here to express this dangerous man and call out the many industries that have enabled him Before he ruins any more lives. I stand with the many victims who will no longer be silent Jesus Christ Mary, the manson's only 38 No way No, he's got to be silent. Jesus Christ. Man with masses only 38.

No way. No, he's got to be in his 50s. Yeah. She's 33. Yeah, so he was 38 and she was 19. You got it? No, see, I... So that means that he is now 52.

Yeah, I have a hard time with dating age difference that much. Like that difference that much. That difference? Yeah. We start seeing like, fuck right? 38, 19. Yeah, so that's like a 20 year gap. It's a lot.

And by the way, that is, first of all, all that shit's inherent to that type of relationship. Whoa. What? She said that she felt terrified for her life that he broke her down through starvation, sleep deprivation, and by threatening to kill her. In one instance, he forced a kneel in their bedroom, tied up her hands and feet, beat her in shocked sensitive parts of her body with a device called a violent wand. We've used that. When she tried to leave him, he would call her house, andcessantly, Jesus Jesus man.

I have fantasies every day about smashing her skull with a sledgehammer. That's not weird though. That's like, I love somebody, you know? You love somebody you wanna keep them. And that's 2009. Why social media is out there. He's doing an interview with Spin Magazine. I'm sure that's branding a little bit.

He's like, I'm a wild crazy guy. Oh, yeah, he said he says wild shit, but that's um I Just look at this And oh fuck It's I can completely see my way you bring up. So I don't remember who this is will you bring up up who is Evan Rachel would? I don't know I Can't place her. Oh, she's in Westworld? Yeah, yeah. But we hit images.

She's in Westworld. I'm just trying to like, I don't know why I'm... Oh, okay. Fuck, man. Yeah, I mean, it seems like a horrible guy. Yeah, I met him once you did You know whatever we were drinking where'd you meet him the store he was there. Oh, yeah, he's there We were backstage with me him and stand up. He's good friend to stand up He parties he definitely parties, but I you know, I don't know.

I, I want to, I think the thing here is like, how do you teach people to get, because I've been in bad relationships, abusive relationships. How so, you were hitting someone? No, no, no, no, no, no, with, even with your friendships. Oh, no, no, no, I've been,

I have been this guy a lot. No, no, no, I've been in bad relationships where someone takes advantage of you and manipulates you and does fucked up things to your head where you believe the goal is how do you teach people? How do you teach anyone? How do you raise daughters and go? Listen, don't let this happen to you. Yeah, that's a real complicated, I think, question. Yeah, because it happened to me, not as bad as what she's had. Well, this has had bad relationships where I keep coming back to them and going, like, maybe it'll be better this time.

Maybe I can figure this out. I don't know. I mean, I feel like that has a lot to do. I think I searched them out for a period of time. But that's natural, that's normal. I mean, she's really young, when she starts, she's 19. And when you're 19, man, and someone's 20 years older than you, they have Jedi shit on you.

Particularly like a man 20 years older than the woman he's seeing. It's like, it's not, that's where that's part of the discomfort you feel, because you know that they're just so much more mature and sophisticated and they can manipulate people. Yeah, yeah, you couldn't. But also, there's a type of girl who would not be,

could be attracted to this person, but not take. There's a type of person that's attracted to Marilyn Mantham. Yeah, for sure. Like I think in my head. And I think you get that person is heavily damaged. Yeah. That fucking sucks. But you know, that's like going back to the thing is like,

I'm sure like rock stars had that like, didn't actually roast allegedly burn someone on the ass with a crack pipe. I don't know. Type that in. Crack pipe? I think you lot allegedly. Yeah?

I mean, there was a fucking story about one of the... Dude, Leanne told me the other day. One of the guys from the Mamas and the Pappas had sex with his daughter allegedly? I don't know. Hold on. All of these. This is going down a real nice path today. Yeah, no, okay, let's get, let's, let's, let's,

we do have to try a crack though. Dude, are you watching that documentary on Netflix? No, but I want to try it. They say it's really good. Yeah. I, I think, It's really good. Uh, yeah. I, I think.

I think it would be a really fun experiment to try crack. To try it just one time and we'll cut ourselves off on the podcast. On the podcast. Smoke crack. Just one rock. Did you ever see, did you ever see an anchor man when they tried crack cocaine? I'm sure I did it is I've had some laughing fits in my life. I have one the other day on the treadmill There's a commercial. I don't know if they they I don't think they intended it to be funny. It's like

What you know the kind of curses ago? What you know the kind of commercial to go don't don't don't No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no What a waste of fucking time you're blind Or he share path of took him there I'm crying on the treadmill going a blind guy climb the what the fuck And so with that on anchor man when they try crack cocaine that made me laugh so fucking hard But it does do all the guys try it. I forget Can you I just let's just giggle and watch it anchor? It's gonna be silent for a second everybody. Okay, the anchor man to smoking crack this made me laugh so fucking hard Oh, I'm so glad Will Ferrell hasn't been canceled. Oh, yeah, he fucking makes me that makes me so They're holding up signs don't smoke

Immediately He's with their holding up signs don't smoke crack The manager you immediately Fuck yeah, here's another reason you should Smoke crack I think what you couldn't catch a buzz you said oh, dude I was chasing a buzz around the living room last night. What did you drink? So let's let's be very clear. Let's do it. It started at six in the morning. Six in the morning. Most people. I took a shadow whiskey at six in the morning. Wait, why? I celebrate my power. You really been on this. I've been on it and and it was great and it was awesome. You got a buzz. Oh, we got a little buzz

and I let it go. Let it go What went into my day went over to the new house Did some stuff with Leanne over there? 6 a.m. 6 am I was doing radio with Jim and Sam okay, and so and so I just was we were talking about celebrating power And I said it's pretty beautiful and I took a shot and then it was it's the greatest when you get that one drink buzz And then let it full flow I took a couple shots But let it kind of go away Great take go home It's a lunch

Take a nap had sex take a nap Wake up me go for a jog and then I'm like you know what I'm gonna have a glass I'm I've run six miles like all my glass of wine at the end on my last mile. So I pour a glass of wine, and I don't know if it was because it was fit fine and that it like fit vines healthier, but like I cruised through a bottle on that last mile, a bottle on that last mile.

And I felt good, I felt loose, and then all of a sudden I'm in the living room and I open another bottle, and I'm just, it's not, it's not turning. There a sudden I'm in the living room and I and I open another bottle and I'm just it's not It's not another runner in the world who was like I crouched through a bottle on my last mile, too last mom and I did fantasy running Yeah, I was like I was in a vineyard Uh-huh and my house was on fire and I was trying to run anyway anyway, so and then I go into the living room We're watching this new show called the Wilds and my God, Greg Garcia's fucking show is so fucking funny. He's so funny.

It is so goddamn funny. You ever Joey Diaz is fucking hilarious. You ever hang out with Greg? Yeah, no, not really, not really. He is like, he is funnier than all the comics you hang out with. I love when you, you know who's like that is Mike Gibbons. Mike Gibbons is funny. I believe that.

Then any comic, because he don't really have any attachment to like, he just is funny. Yeah, that's Greg. Oh. He's funny all the time. What's the name of his show? It's called, hey, what the fuck, man?

Guess book, guess book. The guess book. Joe, it's on Amazon, right? Yeah, have you seen it? No, I just saw the trailer. Oh my God. Yeah. Did you guys have, you guys had to be?

It's on Hulu. It's on Hulu, I'm sorry, right? I think it's on TBS. What the fuck? I think they own everything. I think it's a warrior. Okay, I've wanted to say. So first of all, this kid Jimmy Tattro is amazing.

He is amazing. He might be my, he's me and Leanne's new favorite actor. Really? Jimmy Tattro is his name. He, is that him? Yeah, the lines in it, Tom, the lines in it are so good where you're like, like, Leanne and I are saying, we're saying them back and forth to each other.

Joey Diaz has a scene in the first episode that I was sobbing crying. I was laughing so hard. Can I spoil her alert it for you? Can I spoil it for you? This is so fucking funny. So the whole premise, and by the way, I'm just going to implore you to watch guest book, but I'm going to tell you the premise. So this one guy is in a marriage and his marriage is falling apart

because he's obsessed with VR. So he's always got a VR goggles on. And she's like, why? And he's like, well, we're just driving on the interstate. Wouldn't you rather see the oups? And the woman can't get it. And then she catches him jerking off. And she's like, you're jerking off the VR.

And he's like, yeah, the women are so much prettier than you. Like you need to understand that. And he's like, maybe if you did it, then you can have VR and you can have sex with a hot guy. And then she was like, I want to have sex with a black guy. And he's like, okay, so they put on the VR and they're both a black couple.

And then, and then something happens with his Wi-Fi. And he's like, oh, wait, hold on. She's like, wait, mine cut out. And he's like, oh, I think I'm ahead of you. So now his VR is going just five seconds ahead or? He goes, he goes, wait, hold on. Wait, do you see a guy in yours? And Joey Diaz comes in in the scenario as the pimp

and he goes, no, you're sucking his dick all wrong. You gotta work the balls. And he goes down and starts sucking the guys cockin'. You're like, ah, dude, I was a howling, fucking laughing. It is such a good show and we binged it. We binged the whole season, we didn't even watch the first season yet. We binged the whole second season.

It is awesome. It is so good. Anyway, can't catch a buzz last night. This happened to you too, right? Well, for me, okay, I've been 10 milligram Tom for a while. Yeah, I gotta do that. A while ago, meaning a couple months now, I became 20

milligrams, Tom, at home. Okay. When I got home from recovery, like after, after the hospital went to recovery, and then came home, shortly thereafter, I started doing 30 milligrams at night to go to sleep. Jesus. And now, last night, I took 50. And I'm really proud of myself. It's really close to 100. I'm stepping it up. And guess what though? What? So I took 30 and didn't really feel anything.

Really? I had to take 20 more. And I kind of... Yeah. So it happens. I mean, I've been working really hard at it. Wait, do you think do you think maybe? I want to take what you're taking. What does it make you sleepy? Yeah, I take Indica's at night because I helped me go to sleep and Does it just shut your brain down or just tingle? I mean, you know, you have a you have your high, but like I

Like to do it like okay. I want to go to bed in a cup, like 90 minutes or a couple hours. So I take them and you just start to feel more tired, you know, and then it just helps you kind of just dose off. I smoked weed the other day. Was that with you? I smoked weed the other day. Hmm. I have no idea when I smoked weed. Oh, I smoked weed the other day. Yeah. And I was one of the baby joints, sort of tiny but mighty. And I second it all of a sudden, everything felt so much better.

And I was like, fuck man, I wonder if there is edible, similar to smoking weed? No, I think it's pretty different. Really? Yeah. Fuckin' I'm just, I've done the edible. But I would recommend doing it the way I did it, which is start really mild. I was thinking it's starting at 100 and seeing if I like it and then trying to pull it back with orange. Try that try that. Try it. I Maybe I'll try and at here's my problem is I start getting anxiety about maybe having COVID

when like even when I spoke to the joint, my brain was like, you just get chills? Yeah, well, that'll weedle just do that to you. You start thinking about it. And then, you know, I love about getting high. What? Realizing when things are bad ideas. Like your brain will just go,

that's a fucking stupid idea. And then you're like, I've been in denial about how stupid that is. Wait, like what? Like just any idea, like, you know, whatever you're doing, writing, like, you know, whatever you're doing, writing, creating, you know, I feel like, I feel like everybody's brain does this.

Your brain shelves things that you don't want to think about or that are uncomfortable, right? It puts it on a shelf. It's how, I mean, all our brains do this so you can basically exist in the world. To exist, you need to be able to compartmentalize things and not face the most uncomfortable thoughts at all times. But if you get a certain type of high, your brain just goes, hey, you know that thing you don't like to think about, and it puts it like right in front of you. And it can be uncomfortable or it can be something

where you go, I'm going to resolve this. You know, I'm never going to resolve it. You will resolve it. I think you will resolve it. The key is to get really, really high all the time. I might get high tonight, I was tired. I gave myself the week off, so like we did, we shot Sunday, right? Is that Sunday? Yeah, we shot, by the way, I mean,

if you saw it, if you watched the live show, I think we shot seven beer commercials. By the way, they're not so fun. It was funny shit and we just kind of literally were like, uh, right over there, try that. Oh, do this, move over there. It came in with rough ideas and we did some by ourselves and we did some with the actors,

but it was really fun to do. I wonder. Mm-hmm. I wonder how our sponsors would feel if we shot commercials for that There's some that I think they wouldn't like that we did And then maybe one there's a certain point Chloe's like you guys really pit women see women one way, huh? Just nagging and annoying and we're like

Sorry, we should have one to celebrate her power. The, I might try an edible tonight. Do it. What do you use? Cheap butchers? I do a lot of those. I have some other ones were given to me. So, the cheap butchers.

It didn't matter for you since I'm cross-bored. No, they definitely, like the cheap butchers are pretty consistent. Yeah. So, like I know what I'm getting, you know, that kind of thing. That's what consistency. Yeah. So I know what I'm getting, you know, that kind of thing. That's what consistency. Yeah.

Like, if you start, like, here's the thing, it's like, it's a brand that I'm familiar with, I know what it's gonna be like. So that's why I like it. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Do it. Try 50 tonight, just see how it rolls, you know?

I'll see 50 and then I, if I don't like it, what do I do to make it stop? Oh, just tomorrow, do 40. Oh, okay, cool. What time's the perfect time taking? I don't know, I would think four o'clock in the afternoon. I would wait a little. Anyway.

I was gonna go do voiceover and take one, right as I walked in. That then when you're done, you're be ready to go. I used to love taking a Xanax on stage. What? Take a Xanax on stage and then do stand up until you realized, oh, it's kicked in in guys, this shows over. You just take it on stage? I took it, I would do it on Sundays.

So like, At what point in the show? Right when I got on stage. Do you just pop one of your mouth? Pop one of my mouth and I'd be like, all right, just took a Xanax, we're gonna race to see if we can beat it. How strong would you take?

Half a milligram. I took, I took, how close does Xanax to a net of, by the way, I'm eating netables, a milligram. I took, I took, how close does Xanix to an edible? By the way, I've eaten etnettables, but every time I've been partying, I haven't been like, I'm gonna chill out in my chair. I've been like, I'm gonna take a handful of etnables and I'm drinking, I'm getting loose.

I mean, they're different, man. Xanix and etnettables are definitely different. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Um, what? Xanix would be faster acting for sure. Oh.

I remember one time I was driving back from Irvine Mm-hmm, and I was like all right. I'm gonna get some sleep tonight So I was like when I'm about 30 minutes out, you know like 15 minutes into the drive home I'm gonna take his annex and then I'm gonna race to see if I can beat it home Oh my god, and there was a fucking traffic jam Oh and all the sudden I'm like oh fuck man, I can't drive. Like I'm like closing my eyes and I'm like, this is fucking horrible.

So I was like, cracked a beer. I was like, here's, no I'm kidding. I just was like, I guess I'll just fucking drive really, really slow home. That's, that's Joey's like philosophy for how to do edibles, by the way, is to combine the two. Yeah, for example.

He's like, oh, you gotta do it. You take a thousand milligrams, you know, like star death, something like that popping a baby's anix takes the edge off. And you're like, that's really cool advice. Take a thousand milligrams. Because sometimes the Xanax doesn't do it. You're like, you're like, at that level, it doesn't. Jesus Christ, a thousand milligrams. And then he'll, he will just roll through a day like that.

Why don't more people like at the end towards the end of their life try heroin and crack and stuff? Dumb people, they don't do it. Yeah, like why not get addicted to crack, you got a year to live. Dustin Diamond died. I know. At a fucking nowhere. He was diagnosed like a month ago.

And then all of a sudden it was just fucking over. Stage four. Dude, I kind of broke my heart when you heard about Dex. He was like, I don't want to grave because they're just gonna terrorize it. He was like, I want to be cremated. If you give me a fucking grave, they're just gonna... I didn't know any of this. He said this.

Yeah, he said that. He didn't go to the hospital because he was afraid. He was like, no, if I go to the hospital, everyone's gonna fuck and make any of this. He said this. Yeah, he said that. He didn't go to the hospital because he was afraid. He was like, no, if I go to the hospital, everyone's gonna fuck him make fun of me. How do you know that? I've been obsessed with him and J.E. I did read this thing that said that, I mean, I don't know if this is true or what's rumored,

but that his past castmates didn't care for him that much. And then they all were like, oh, sad that he's gone. You're like, um, they definitely didn't like him. I don't think, and I'm not to sound shitty. I don't think they do. Did he do porn? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I think, I mean, I heard rumors about him. I don't think he was like a super pleasant dude. Yeah. I know he did stand up. He ended up doing stand up. I used to go into the clubs right for a heat, would do a club and not, I mean, not like, just being real about it, like not everyone was celebrating them then. And I think it is kind of weird

when you go to these people who I haven't really listened to any of the people that were on say by the bell in a while, and you hear them be heartbroken about, you know, and you're like, you didn't allow him in the reboot. Like you actually said, don't get screeched for the reboot. When they did, they did a reboot to say by the bell, right? We're doing it now. Yeah. And they didn't want to minute.

And now they're like, oh, he's would be dearly missed. I mean, I like, I'm just be consistent a little bit. Mm-hmm. You know, I mean, I mean, I'm whatever. What am I looking for? Am I looking for Paul Goslamardi or whatever? Goslamardi. Whatever's the name whatever's name is yeah what's his name I don't remember Gosler no got Goslam got is a Gosler I don't know Mark Paul Gosler yeah good looking guy he's looked a lot he's better looking now as an adult 46 he's younger than me hmm God. And Screach was 44.

Man, to have lung cancer and diet 44? Well, his head cancer ran in his family and it started with a lump on his neck. That's why early detection is like key to everything. Which is why you got to get physicals up. Yeah, I know grown-ass men, they're like having a physical in 10 years. Dude, I do understand that going to the dentist in 10 years, but not getting a physical in 10 years. Dude, I do understand I go into the dentist in 10 years, but not getting a physical.

I cannot, I get a physical every nine months. Yeah. I go to my cardiologists every nine months, and I go to, I go get a physical, I offset them. So I get physicals, and so it's, I'm literally getting, technically getting blood work every four months. That's good.

Well, it's good because I live the way I do. And so I want to make sure I'm in front of anything that starts going south. We can, if it pops once positive, we're like, okay, let's keep an eye on that. And if it happens again, we're like, all right, time to change your lifestyle. And...

How's that going? We're doing pretty good. Yeah. Bragging to Drew the other day. Right one. I was fucking such an idiot, Tom. Who were you fucking? No, I was talking to Drew.

This is when Drew had COVID. Yeah. And I was like, I'm indestructible. I'm never going to die. And then two days later, he's like, I got COVID. And I was like, and he just looks like we're putting that to the test, nobody. And I was like, oh, fuck.

And then I didn't get it. So you didn't? Yeah, I think I'm, you know, a lot of quercetin, a lot of vitamin D, a lot of vitamin Z, a lot of zinc, you know, a lot of workin' out, a lot of just tan hydrated. Why were you chased by a lady who said, I told you in the lobby, don't tell me anymore.

Oh, it's, it, here's, here's the thing that no one's taking into account in all these Karen videos, like, or gotcha. So I was having a beautiful day. Oh, it's driving over to shoot with you. Oh, that day? Yeah, I was driving to shoot with you. And so I'm driving to the new house

and I'm having a, I just got off the treadmill. Which is by the way, very impressive. Oh, thank you. Fucking really feeling it just had my iced coffee. I'm dancing. I'm listening to the fan your rate lift, right? Mm-hmm. I'm dancing in the car. I got that as a Anyway, okay, so I got the windows down and I'm I'm not even speeding. I'm just having a great time Mm-hmm. And I go through a green light It's green and this woman is running a red light. She is not She's not paying attention and she is about to drive through a red light

I see her but I see her too late and I just pass her and she's running red light I went through a green light. No one else is going except for her. She then fucking high tails and starts chasing me I don't know she's chasing me But I do know what her car looks like when she did that. And I know that now I'm about to do a U-turn to my new house and a legal U-turn. And I'm dancing like this. And she flies up behind me and hits her horn as I'm going, she doesn't expect me to do a U-turn. And then swears out of the way and pulls over the median on the other side. Now I'm on the median facing this way, she's facing expect me to do a U-turn, and then swerves out of the way and pulls over to the median on the other side. Now I'm on the median facing this way, she's facing this way, and she starts recording me.

She starts going, asshole, and recording me. And I don't know, I don't even know that any of this is going on, but here's what's crazy. If anyone that knows what rage feels like, or my tits fill with helium, like my heart fills with helium, where you start shaking and you're like, yeah, I'm gonna fucking kill her.

I'm gonna fucking swing around, and I'm like, I'm gonna fucking light her up, and then I'm like, hold on, this is how you get caught on camera. That energy, there's no, there's no thought process that goes, the thought process started with, there's no thought process that goes, the thought process started with make sure to pull out a mask and because I didn't want to get COVID.

And then I was like, put on a mask so she can't see your face. Shit, they're gonna recognize your, you know what? I said this, I go, I'm never going to convince her that she ran the red light. I'm certain she believes I read a red light. And I don't have any proof that I didn't. And I was just like, and I pulled away. And now she's chasing me.

And I'm like, nope, I'm not gonna get into it. I'm not gonna get into it. I don't know how this is gonna end. So did you get out of your car? No, I never got it, but when I walked up, I saw Lindsay and I was shaking, I was shaking because I wanted to fucking scream at her, call her a cunt, call her all the fucking horrible things

that I could think of just on the fly. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that's how this is how, like no one's identifying that all these people that are getting caught on camera, that this is rage. Rage makes you say and do horrific things. You would never do.

No one's. And you can't go back. And you can't come back. There's a video of this kid, this boy. He's like a boy. He's like probably 17, maybe 18 years old. And he's yelling at this Mexican guy, go back to your own country, go back

or whatever he's saying, right? And then I see his apology video is that's not me. And then I'm like, no, it totally was you. I watched this right before I almost got caught. I don't know what I would have said to this lady. Yeah. I mean, I hope it would have been politically cracked and I would have been like, your driving was not because of your gender, whatever the fuck I would have said.

I'm certain I would have said something absolutely horrific. But I watch his apology video going the day before, I watch it the day before and I go, but that is you, that's what you said. And then I realize, oh, we're all until we all feel that rage and recognize it. And then find accountability. We're never gonna fucking solve this cancer culture

because you're like, like, I shit on, I don't know what podcast you're gonna find this on, but I shit on some senator or Republican or whatever Democratic or representative, something that was in the stormed capital, and they were like, I didn't shit on them. I just said, they were like crying to make a very meldramatic, I got a phone call and I had two seconds to say I love you.

And I was like, in my head, I was like, I don't know. I saw the Stormi in the Capitol, I thought it was fucked up. I was like, I don't think they were gonna kill anyone. And then I heard them talking about, I don't know who she is really, but AOC is like Republicans don't like her. Right. That's a generous way of putting it.

Yes, they know. And I heard her talking about her experience. I don't really know anything about her. Yeah. But I was like, I know people don't like her. And I was like, oh, they would have killed her. I mean, five people did die that day. Yeah, but I'm meaning like, I didn't realize

they were going in to possibly kill reparative. Oh, I think I think she could have gotten killed for sure. She would have gotten killed. Yeah. She would have and that's how the mob mentality works. And that's how raised people were exact people were you saw that I mean, especially when you have like like you said a mob, what happens is you lose complete sense of, you know, rational thinking. Yeah. And if everyone's like, ah, let's go. I mean, that's like war stuff, you know? It's like kick the door open.

Everybody, if they had gotten a hold or found her. Nancy Pelosi, they probably would have beaten her to death. Definitely. I mean, I think, and I think it would have been like, the group mentality taking over. And then they all would have been like, that wasn't me. Right. I lost my sense of self.'s a great game show that wasn't me where we take people spit food out of my mouth

we take people and we get them in a rage thing and see exactly what they do it's like when I say I'd let me and fuck me in the ass if I was warning enough yeah how do we get people into that fevered pitch, that rageful moment? And then that's the game show when they're when they just do stuff they would never fucking do. Like fight the head off this baby's like, I'm going to do it. Ah, oh my god, that wasn't me. Yeah, but I mean, I think it's going to be tough to find a network that's into it. But I like where you're going. I think you might need to go to an underdeveloped country to start. A culture that's like, yeah, we'd love to do that.

That, do you know how much fun two bears, one cave would be in Kazakhstan or in just Bolivia, third world country, where we're like, all right. I know that in the States, they're not really big on dog fighting, but today, but today we're in Yemen So we're gonna fuck people up and it's not two dogs. It's a dog and a young boy. Okay, here we go. See see if you can fight him I just I that that rage thing yeah That like I really connect it so I, I just watched someone full of fucking rage screaming into a phone, go back to your own country, and then he was like, that wasn't me.

I thought you ever have real rage on stage, where you're like, and you go like, man, if I don't reset right now, this show's over. No. Never? I've never, I have a fear, wait tell me your story. I've had, you know, there's a thing you can do, especially in clubs where you can hear something

in earshot that you ignore and then, you know, that you can't ignore. So I've had different times, you know, when you're on stage and it's like, you're performing a show and you know that like Rose, 4 through 50 at this club don't hear this, but I feel like that thing of somebody in the audience, especially in the front, kind of disrespecting the show, you know, like usually there's alcohol involved, they're hammered. And they're just acting, you know, you know, we need to go over to Jenny's and you're

like, you know, and then you're kind of like going like, hey, why isn't the club handling this, right? Over and over. And then you're like, what? And then they're like, how come? And you realize, oh, they're totally checked out. They're drunk. And then they think that because you addressed them, that now the channel is open to communicate, you know?

So I just remember one in particular where I just I fucking it was a slow build because it's like it's bothering you and your building resentment, you know little by little and Then I was like why don't I said something? I don't remember the exact thing I said But I was like why don't you get the fuck out of here, you pig or something like that to this. And then her friend was like, how dare you call her a pig? And I go, she looks like a pig, she sounds like it. And I started to get angry or an anger. And she fell over the table, the pig, the fell onto the table, and there was a bucket,

like a beer bucket, and then that collapsed. And I started making oink sounds, you know? Like, I can see this big. And I had to tell you something. I was full, I didn't do it in a fun way. Like, I was making oink sounds. Yeah. Uh-oh, uh-oh.

But I was doing it like to be mean, you know, like I, but I was doing, I had like hate in my heart, you know, like I wasn't doing it like so funny. And then they got her out of here. I was like, yeah, you fucking go to the farm. You pigs go eat at the farm. And then like, when they took them out, that's the thing is like you're just full of rage.

You're like, you fucking bitch, right? And they pull them out and then you turn to the audience and you're like, hey guys, and they're like And you got to go like how do I go back to like you know, so I was driving to Like I never reset your show. I've never had I've never I always have a fear fullness of Of getting beat up like I never go like I always have a fearfulness of getting beat up. Like I never go, like I always respected guys like Tosh, who would just kick people out. Like you, you're, like the people,

guys who weren't afraid of the confrontation after the show. I was always afraid of the competition after the show. Like that I was like, in bag, has no fear of the competition after the show. Zero. Zero. F***. Did you ever hear, you may have to edit this. What's answer the confrontation you might have to edit his name out of here

Because I'm not sure he wants to hear that this would be shared But his ones he's got an epic one where he had a bachelor at party and they wouldn't stop talking and he just goes Tomorrow young lady when you put on your deodorant and she goes yeah, he goes. I hope you find a lump put on your deodorant and she goes, yeah, he goes, I hope you find a lump. And the whole club turned on him and they had to keep him in the club because they were waiting outside for him. Holy shit. He was like, fuck her.

But everyone's had those bachelor, bachelor at parties, usually, that, uh, I told a bachelor at party, I said, I said to a bachelor at party in Baltimore. I have to, it was right after... You called a lady a cunt at a show that I was at. Wait, when? In Sacramento.

I couldn't believe, I couldn't believe that you salvaged it. That's the part. What did I do? You, it was a small turnout. This is like, fucking 10 years ago or something. And I opened, this isn't even the time, this is like a separate show from the time that I absolutely ate shit.

But you're done and you're like, Kant, and I was like, I was so excited, you know? And she was like, and you, I don't know how you did it, but I still remember that you went like into material and stuff and she laughed. And you're like, see, I got you a laugh. And I was like, how did you, you went from insulting her so horribly

that you got her to be on your side? You turned it around. I remember it. I have to, you're right. And I'm not being 100% honest because I don't, I don't remember those bad times where I have lost my shit and I definitely have lost my shit on crowds. And I don't and I, I instantly regret it. I, and I told about calling someone a cunt will always do it because I've done it a

few times and it always goes south. It's so funny because it's like and then people get upset that you've called someone to come and like, no, that's how I felt. Yeah. And also you were being one. Yeah. So that's why I called you a con. I made two of my I made two. I did a club once that had 20 people at the show. And in the first three minutes, a lady goes, come on, and I go, what? She goes, let's go. And I go, what? And she goes, I'm just giving you some encouragement.

And I go, I don't need it. And she goes, well, you know, you're the comedian. I go, I guess you're the cunt, because I don't need it. And she was like, and there was, they were a table of 12. So the 20 people became eight because they left. Oh my God.

And the next day, the club owner called me and it goes, I was informed that you called the lady a cunt last night and I go, that didn't happen. Oh. There's two sides of every story. Let me hold on. Let me paint the picture for you. Let me. Oh, that's two sides of every story. Let me hold on. Let me paint the picture for you. Let me.

Oh, that's fucking hilarious. I did a total joke one time about child pornography. Yeah. And the joke was, you ever have a horrible idea and you don't realize that you think it's a brilliant idea. I said, let me tell you something about Kitty porn and this woman just goes, no, no. And I went, hold on.

I said, I need you to stop right now. And she goes, no, I want to allow you to tell a joke about Kitty porn. And I said, so let me explain comedy. The way comedy works, I'm gonna give you an idea of premise. You're gonna think that, but hopefully, you don't say it out loud. And then I'm not gonna give you,

you think I'm gonna green like Kitty Point or something? Now you fucked up the whole joke because everything I say sounds serious after this. I was like, the whole premise is, I'm gonna give you a premise that you're not gonna, so I'm gonna take it in a different way. She was like, okay, try it now. And I was like, no, no, fuck yourself.

Fucking asshole. Exactly, you dumb fucking bitch. God, now I'm like, cloud glad we don't do stand up anymore. No, we just tell fun stories. I lost a, this one has been haunting me. Yeah. In Baltimore at that big, big place, not McGubby's, but the bigger place.

Yeah. I know, in factory or whatever. Yeah. I had, this was the night my special, but the bigger place. Yeah. The comedy factory or whatever. Yeah. I had, this was the night my special, the machine aired, I think. And I had a huge table of black chicks on a bachelor at party, and they would not shut the fuck up. And this is the weekend after the bachelor at party got caught in the flaming limousine driving down the street and they all died. Yeah

And I go and I go ladies please please please please stop talking and they're like be funny mother fucker And I was like I was like I'm trying to know how my heart is I go listen I want you guys to have a great night and they're like then make us laugh and I'm like I'm trying I go did you guys take a limousine here and they're like yeah, and I go listen, I want you guys to have a great night and they're like then make us laugh And I'm like I'm trying I go did you guys take a limousine here? And they're like yeah, and I go I hope it catches on fire and the place goes nuts and they were like no No, and they got up and did a parade around the fucking place. I Remember one time I called I called this one chick She was a fucking god damn it Tom. Why did you have to bring up these memories? In Louisville, Bob Cameron would tell you of this.

She was date, she was a black chick with a big hair and she was a bigger chick. And she said something and she goes, boo, in the front row, boo. And I said, give me a sec. And I made a joke, it was a good joke. Everyone laughed, she didn't laugh. And she goes, my boyfriends white.

And I go, I think we all know what he looks like. And the place goes crazy. And then she went, I swear to God, I wish Bob was here. She went table to table, got up, and went table to table telling everyone they needed to leave. And people left with her. Like, older white chicks would be like, I'm with you sister. He's a misogynist.

I go, I was like, guys, I just got on stage. I haven't even said anything yet. I haven't even said anything yet. She got people to leave. A lot of people to leave. And then they waited for me in the fucking lobby. These two like power lifter guys. Holy shit, man. This is bringing up like trauma.

They came to that my show in Raleigh and these guys were huge and wearing suits. Like full suits with an overcoat over their arms and they looked like nation of Islam security guys, but they were enormous. I mean, each guy was like over 300 pounds and not fat, like just enormous, insults, overcoats, over their arms,

sit together, second row, stare during the show, and the one guy like every few minutes would go, this guy's terrible, man, it's terrible. Like in the audibly. So they were so big and intimidating that I was like, I hear them and I'm not addressing this. And then after the show, a walk-off guy walks past me and I'm just like,

oh, he's just like, the guy, I mean, like, unnaturally big, strong dudes. I'm waiting for the walk. I don't know if the guy's gonna say something to strong dudes. I waited for them to walk. I don't know if the guy's gonna say something to me. So I'm standing there with security. I was like, he goes, yeah, man. You know, we heard him, but we just realized that we couldn't do anything.

So we just let him. And I was like, cool. I go, I thought the same thing from the stage. I just saw them and I was like, these guys hate me and no one can tell them to leave dude The worst Exact same scenario except three gang bangers in the front row in Miami Miami Miami Three gang bangers in the front row. Miami was why Lisa Lisa Carano is working with me. And another guy forget the other guy.

Lisa is hosting. She comes off and she is physically upset and falls into tears in the green room. She was like, these guys are fucking assholes. And this guy, I wish I remember the guy, the guy she was working with had thinning hair and he had it combed, like combed. So it was like kind of sticking up to kind of cover

that it was thinning like it was his hair springed up. Yeah. He goes on and he's just going terrible, terrible. Nothing like Miami and and and the manager comes in. He's like, all right, so we have a problem in the front row and I said, well, do you guys going to do something about it? And he's like, ah, I think they have weapons on them. So I don't think we're going to do anything. Yeah. And I was like, well, what am I supposed to do? And he's like, I think they have weapons on them so I don't think we're gonna do anything. And I was like, well, what am I supposed to do? And he's like, good luck, man. As he says that the feature act comes off and his hair is sweated down onto his head

and he's like, it's really bad out there. And I went out, this is, I mean, this is, he's gonna grow. Yeah, this is insanely true. I went out and so what I did is an old David Tell, fun, Tichy move an old David Tell, a fun, shwera, Tai Chi move, where David Tell would, if he had, I'm not spilling any news, I don't know, this is, David Tell if he had a Hechler, he would ask them the premise of his joke.

I watched him do this. It was genius. He would ask them the premise of his joke. Like, how do you eat pussy and? And you already have your punchline. He already has his punchline. Yeah. And so then what happens is that guy, that Heckler, gets to try to be funny and then Dave tops him.

And if you do enough of them, then it shuts the guy down. It's a David Ties. So you do it in the village. And it was like genius. And so I do the David Ties funk, change, tight to you, whatever. And so I say to the guy, what's the best way to eat pussy? And the guys are actually fucking hilarious

One guy was like, you want to know how to please your bitch? And I was like, don't call her bitch and the place goes nuts. Yeah, nah, nah Take your lips put her right by a clip and go And then the place goes nuts and I was like, that's funny. I just put my lips around entirely and go whole and now we're going back and so I I do my whole 35 minutes is where I get to and they're loving me. And the room's like, finally, we got everyone on the same team. And then the one of the guys gets up on stage in a flash.

His name was Ray. I remember that vividly. Dark dude gets up on stage, he starts going, this right here is a real motherfucker. And everyone's like, okay, he says, you know what, real motherfuckers getting the 305th? And I was like, what?

And he just drops his pants and pulls his dick out. And he's like, yeah, show yo shit, son. And I was like, no, he had a hog. It was, and it was purple. I mean, it was like dark, dark, dark. And it was like, his dick's just out on stage. And it was massive. I want to dark, and it was like- And it was just out on stage. Out on stage, and it was massive.

I want to say, I could be wrong on this. Because this is a true story, I'm cool taking big swings. A true story, I'm cool taking big swings. I want to say he worked for Bangbuss. So if you can find Ray, big dick, dark skin dude, I go Ray, I'm gonna give you a heads up. I'm definitely not taking my dick out now that I've seen yours. I might have done it and then seen yours. I'm like, oh, I'm gonna give you a heads up. I'm definitely not taking my deck out now that I've seen yours.

I might have done it and then seen yours. I'm like, oh, that was a mistake. But now I'm not definitely doing it. And you know, they're gonna call the cops. So you may want to leave. And he was like, good looking out and he gets off stage. He's with the light skin dude with dreadlocks, the face tattoo.

And he starts nodding and I go, yeah. And he goes, you're a real motherfucker and I go, oh shit. And he gets up on stage. He goes, you know what, real I go, oh shit. And he gets up on stage. He goes, you know what real motherfucker's getting the 305? And everyone's like, please take your dick out. Please take, drops his pants, takes his dick out, and it is just as big as raise.

It's a huge fucking dick. And everyone's like, oh my God. He looks at me, he goes, show yo shit son. And I was like, I'm definitely not after you two. And I go, and by now they've definitely called the cops. So you may want to meet up with Ray and get a ride home. He's like, good looking out and he gets off stage. With them, I swear to you on my children's life is a hairless albino.

And I say, it's so funny. Out of all the dicks I wanted to see tonight, it was yours. And everyone stops and the guy very slowly pushes the table forward, stands up, gets on stage, looks at me, not, does say a word, takes his dick out and it is, I'm saying, yellow, it is, it looks like a lighthouse in the fog. It is huge and he looks at me and I just take my mic, I go, that's my show, I drop my mic, I walked on stage,

I did 35 minutes, I hear this, I'll buy no cock, how the fuck you follow that? You can't follow it, you can't follow it. Dude, the Miami improv, I remember, so for people who don't know, like when you go to a club, like the contractual obligation for the headliner

is a 45 minute set, and then you know, most will do 60 sometimes more, but that's's your minimum when I featured there the first time I was middling and the headliner got off Sweating 32 minutes and I was like what happened? He was like, yeah, I mean shorter set tonight the worst sets I've ever had in my life were in the Miami improv I had a set where I came out and it was packed packed and, and like, and you could hear that people were, you know, talking shit. And I start doing like Latin jokes, making, like, making fun of Latin people. And it was like, perfect because a lady in the front row with a heavy axe and goes, I think that you ought to racist. And I go, against who? And she was like, a lot in people. And then I just

go right into Spanish and the place fucking falls apart. I mean, it was like having a fucking cheat code, you know? It was like one of the- I remember the first time I heard you speak Spanish on stage. Yeah. You said some Mexican joke and then you- And then I think there was a guy in the front row that didn't like it. Yeah. And you translated it and said it to him and Spanish. And I'm fucking, I was like, you speak Spanish.

It's like cheat code, man. It's necessary. Dude I remember one time I was bombing so hard I I was bombing all weekend with Steve Trevino the whole weekend we were co-headlining me Ricky Cruz DJ Kuch and Steve Trevino and I had to go last and my name are you in Ontario? No, we're in fucking Miami My name sounds like a hate crime at that point. Yeah, like DJ Kujee! Ah, Ricky Cruz! Steve Travigno and Berk Reicher. And everyone was like,

I remember at one point saying to Steve, I feel like they think I took a Latino's job. Yeah. Because I shouldn't be up here. I was bombing so bad, so bad that on like late, early show Saturday, I just give up, I tell a joke and it doesn't work.

And I'm like, you know what, fuck you guys. I go tell you what, you guys are set to not like me. And I gotta be honest with you, I don't think, and have you understand what I'm saying. I was like, I don't think English is your first language. So we're gonna make this really easy. I said, can I get like a Cuban guy and a black guy up here?

And I got, and I got two volunteers, and we're talking gold fronts, look like trick daddy, black dude, and a Cuban guy with like six gold chains on it. And rings and flip-flops. And so I white linen yeah And so I go start lining up with shots I go gentlemen I cannot get this crowd like me so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna tell a joke and then I want you to translate it to your people

That's great and so I would say I was talking to a young lady today and the black guys like Man can I play against some conversation? I go roll up on this bit and the place is murdering. And then the cute guy just says it in Spanish. He's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, like whistle and it murdered so fucking hard. And then you can take anything and then make it the joke. Like it was so great.

Well, somebody said that at one time and I was like, that's right, I forget who said it. They said to work the Miami improv, you need all the skill sets of a comedian. So in other words, you have to have all of them. Written material, you have to be able to improvise, you have to be able to do crowd work, you have to have facial expressions,

you have to have like all, you have to use them all to get through the movie. If you could have a DJ on stage with you, I remember they had a DJ one time and I was like, I don't think I won a DJ and they're like, trust me, it works. Yeah. All right, we got a rap. I remember they had a DJ one time and I was like I don't think I won DJ and they're like trust me it works. Yeah All right, we got a rap I

Had so much fun doing the live streaming last football game of the season with you. Oh, I could have such a blast Oh And then if you want to see it live streamed out way mhstudios.com There's a bunch of two bears merch available at store. YMHstudios.com So you can check that out Let's see the yeah, you got the injury stuff at store.yamhstudios.com so you can check that out. Let's see, yeah, you got the injury stuff. Oh, there's a new one there, say no to sports. You see that one?

That's a new one in the middle there? Just say no to sports. Yeah, that's great. So there's all kinds of stuff there. Check it out. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. And we'll see you in a week.

Love you, Bert. Love you too a week. Love you Bert. Love you to Tommy. No scripts to be the booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes, Rancho hero, no apologies. Here's what we call two bears one cave.