2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 70 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to save $225 on your order - Go to https://Feetures.com/CAVE to get $10 off your first pair! - Get your first visit absolutely free at https://ForHims.com/bears - Get 15% off your order at https://BuyRaycon.com/bears - Go to https://BearbottomClothing.com and use code BEARS to get free shipping on your first order - Go to https://FitVineWine.com to order online for delivery straight to your door - Get 15% off plant orders of $100 with promo code CAVE at https://Bloomscape.com Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss the Oklahoma football player who got in a fight with an MMA fighter, Bobby Shmurda being released from prison, Jennifer Aniston's Instagram stories shouting out the Bears, Tiger Woods' car accident, possibly going on a guy's trip with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, and more!

That was a Smurter Kit? Okay, Smurter Kit. I wanna get one of those. He's going back immediately. I wanna just pull this guy and go, you duel, isn't it? Anyone that's talking to you right now? First of all, let me hug you for a second.

You gotta stop with the Smurter Kits. Everything in there. Everything in the kit is a parole by the way. Everything in the kit is a pro violation. 100% I'm a-a he's on his way. I'm on the way. My body measurements have gone drastically lower. My weight has not, but what my body looks like.

My... So much better. It's my waist is at, like, it's interesting because you don't wear a size 44 pant, but if you measure it, it's a 44. Oh. When you see me, you're like, God, this guy's like so scared.

I'm really bothered by it. And I think what I did is I tugged the tires tail by saying you're gonna get so fat, not that you're injured. And you must have heard that as motivation as in, I refused to let myself be the fat one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it did motivate. Not just from you, other people too, you know. A lot of people were like,

you're gonna gain so much weight. I was like, I think it scared you. It's like, it's like the first time I went to camp, my dad's like, don't come to the last did, and I was like, uh-oh. And then you came back, you're like, guess what, dad, I'm a list of a bunch of kids so that they wouldn't molest me.

So I literally was like, anyone who tried to help me with anything? Don't touch me! God. Yeah, a lot of people would tell me that. I'm shocked I didn't get more molested as a child. Like I have that. I have, like, I definitely am super trusting. Yeah.

I was a little, and I know this will be taken the wrong way. I thought that I was kind of super cute enough as a kid to get fucked with. You know what I mean? Like when I see pictures of myself, I'm like, I'd fucking fuck around with that kid. Oh yeah, I was not attractive, molestable. Like, I wasn't on a molestable. Yeah, we were both Catholic.

Like we were in prime, get fucked with grounds. You know? On a scale of molestable one to ten. But see, that's already 14. I'm talking about when I was like five. That was so trusting that face. Yeah. Sure, I'll meet you at the directory after class.

Yeah, but see, I'm too old there. I mean, when I was like, you know, I mean like six. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to get a picture of me in a speedo at molestable age. And by the way, I don't advocate molestation. See if I have. Nor do I think that there's a proper age, but I'm gonna try to get it for my mom.

Yeah, there's definitely no proper age to get molested on. That's a good. What's too old to get molested where if you like, her's someone got molested and you're like, bro, you were 18. Yeah, 18, you definitely.

All right, let's start work. By the way, this is definitely cancelable conversation. What age do you start going? Well, let's start keep going back. Someone said they were 17, you'd be like, get out of here. 16, hold on, hold on. Okay, let's push pause,

because you could get molested at 16 by like, when I was, 5, whoa, okay. When I was 14, I made out with a 29 year old. You did? Yeah. A guy? I don't know, I'm asking.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm asking. I mean, it was a clean hit. I know the game was on the line, but. I mean, that's what I picture like an older guy being like, hey man, come here and show you something. No.

Wait, what's the scenario? Okay. I will tell you, dude, it is the scenario? Okay, I will tell you Dude it is it is this probably defined my personality for the rest of my life You and the guy making out on the girl okay the girl newsburn a beach. I'm with Alan I think maybe Is Alan the one that molested you? No, no It's funny Alan is like was like one of my best friends growing up and if he watched our show, he would be probably offended.

By what? Like just his sensibility is not, he's like very, very, very like social justice minded. He's, but he was a little bit when we were younger, but then he like really hit a curve and we would move to New York and you could see like, if you watched, and it's crazy, we have so much in common, but if you watch this show now as an adult, he'd be like, okay. Like, he's like, I think so. I think he's like an author, like a writer.

I got brought into an email chat with a guy that we were all, like my close friends from college were also friends, but he was on our hall as a freshman and as a sophomore, and it'd been like 10 years. And then we were like, what's up, bitch? Like just like that. And he was like high fellas.

And we were like, and this is the guy that used to like, just get absolutely loaded with us. And you know, all like inappropriate jokes. And we kept fucking around. And he was like, good, and then he signed it with like his, he's a lawyer now, like his legal, and he was like, okay man. I have a bunch.

I have one of those friends that I ran into. I was doing, uh, who knows what the fuck I was doing in Tampa. But I had a limousine, a bottle of champagne, and like a few bottles of champagne, and I was, and it was like eight in the morning. And I ended up on David's silent. You're on your way to radio. I was, I was probably on my way to radio. And I had time to kill or something, or maybe it was like, maybe a little later and I ended up on Davis Island. You're on your way to radio? I was, I was probably on my way to radio. And I had time to kill or something,

or maybe it was like, maybe until later and I just got done in Cal Head and I ran into one of my closest friends growing up, like my best friend growing up. I had like, probably two of us, I had a really big tight knit, but this dude and I went to ninth grade together. We were best friends all through high school,

like literally best friends. And I called his mom like, and I saw him getting coffee and I was like, why? I want him to, by the way, that this is how much this dude has changed. I won't say his name. Right.

And everyone in Tampa knows his name. Like everyone hearing this goes, I know exactly who you're talking about. He was like, hello, Bert. And I was like, what's up? And he was like nothing So you're still Having a good time, huh? I said yeah, he goes a little early don't you think? And I'm like what happened to this fucking guy? And he was like sober now. I was like oh cool

Yeah, he's like went to a yo-yo mall concert sober And I was like, went to a Yo-Yo Ma concert sober. And I was like, you couldn't waterboard me into going a Yo-Yo Ma concert, let alone plying me with enough drugs and alcohol to get me there. I don't even know what Yo-Yo Ma does. That's what he brought up to.

Yeah, no thing is there. And I was like, as last time I spoke to him, I was like, best of luck brother. And I just, and I, it's great. Wait, let's go back to the girl that I made out with. Oh yeah. Yeah, okay. So, we're on the beach.

And don't think we're not talking about Jennifer Aniston soon. Oh yeah. And by the way, that's not the girl that was on the beach though. She looked just like Jennifer Aniston. Okay. In my recollection, it was like same haircut, same attitude, very confident, strong woman.

Oh, by the way, do you ever have this? I'm cut, you tell your story a second, when you're like, I was back home, I was in Florida, and I, God, I did shows, which was so fucking fun, but it looked so fun. But I did, you were like, you're in your hometown, it was like a smaller town, and someone's like, hey, Tom, I'm like, what's up, they're like,

hey, they go, hey, and they're like, it's me, and I go, I don't know who you are. And they're like, we went to high school together, I'm like, what's up? They're like, hey, they go, hey. And they're like, it's me. And I go, I don't know who you are. And they're like, we went to high school together. I'm like, no, he didn't. They're like, yeah, we did, dude. And I'm like, I don't think so, man. And then they start like saying names of other people. I'm like, I know them.

Yeah. I saw them and I'd say hi. Yeah, but I definitely don't know you. Yeah. Mine's always, uh, Bert. And I go, what's up? And he's like, hey, what's a judgment? I was like, cool.

I was like, I was like, I was five years behind you. I was like, you know, I wasn't a judge with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would, I ain't fighting no you. You were kind of graduate. You were in eighth grade when I graduated. Come on, man. All right, so your finger in this 29 year old on the beach.

So it's like three of us, we're all 14. And I mean, I can't tell you like eighth grade, ninth grade. Ninth grade, ninth grade, ninth grade. I was maybe 15 because I mean, I can't tell you like eighth grade, ninth grade. ninth grade, ninth grade, ninth grade. I was maybe 15 because I was, I turned in November, but I'm guessing it was early. Okay. So am I, my dream, in my whole experience in life, I have always been on beaches looking down the beach,

hoping that a girl would just walk up. Of course. I mean, I think I've thought about that so much. It's like a movie scene. Yeah, and growing up in Florida, you were always ended up on a beach, you and your friends, whatever. And you always waited, like you'd be like, why won't just a pack of girls walk up to us,

and be like, hey, what are you guys doing? And then you can all hang out. Everyone's making out in the hot tub. Never happened. Freshman year, we're over a new smart beach, and a group of girls is walking down the beach and we're like oh shit And as we get closer we realize they're like adults like they're in their 20s and

I start just being funny and then I'm like I'm just kind of like Busting ball but like like trying to get them to talk to us and they're just fine as cute, right? They're like these guys are and then I'm like you guys should teach us how to kiss and they're just fine as cute, right? They're like these guys are, and then I'm like, you guys should teach us how to kiss. And they're like, what? I was like, we never kissed anyone. We totally kissed, chicks. I just find out. But I'm like, you should teach us how to kiss.

And the girls are like, oh, that would be hilarious. That would be hilarious. I go, no serious. And I'm just being funny. And this is what defines my personality and why I've only had sex with six women is because I could never turn it off. Because it worked that first time.

I did this and I'm just making jokes, making jokes and I don't know if she did it to shut me up, but she kissed me and I thought I, it was like the most insane kiss I've ever had in my life. I'm like, ah, blue balls all night. Like just, I mean, my dick was hard for like a week. Yeah.

And I was just like, Gah! I mean, I talked about her non-stop. And she kissed me then. And then she took me around to like, there's a ramp. She took me the other side of the ramp. And kissed me again. Now I look back and I go, what a fucked up woman she was.

Like, I was 14. At 20, I mean think of it. Those are the best chicks. Like she had real problems to do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I should have gotten tested.

Like super hot plus psychological problems equals angel on earth, right? He's way, he's way. She's almost 70 now. plus psychological problems equals angel on earth, right? She's almost 70 now! I want to see. She's probably dead. There's no way she's alive. Oh my God.

Also, you weren't the first kid she's done that too. I thought I was special. She knows what she's doing. It's gonna be. 14 is a 14 is the cut off for where you're like, you could probably get molested. Yeah, if you say 13 someone's like, hey, that's a real like.

Oh, I'm talking boys. I'm not talking girls. No, I know, I know. But as a boy, if you're 14, you're like, you can, you know, but 13, I think it's better. I'm not talking girl. No, I know I know, but as a boy if you're 14 you're like, yeah, you can you know But 13 I think I understand getting molested at 14 of 15. You're like Yeah, I can see I can see certain boys at 15 at 16. You're like, oh my god Did you see that fucking fight video between the MMA fighter and the Omaha

Ohio Oklahoma University guy. No What happened? Type in Oklahoma football, and it'll just come up. I guarantee you. Football, Oklahoma football. Oklahoma football player fight. You have not seen this. So what?

OK, let me, OK. Oh, I think I saw a frame of this. So, so who's who in this? So now, this is a very special breakdown. Now, this young man, his name is Jordan. Spencer Jones, I don't know where he's a wide receiver. He's a wide receiver, place holder, bathroom bar fight.

He nearly lost his eye. Now, here's what happened. And here was why I can assess. You don't really know anything but I've done a lot of deep diving. And I have a lot of assessments on the way the internet reacted to this. I think your boy and the turtle neck and the and the and the gene jacket. I think if I'm not mistaken and this is is all, I can now wait for this. Just trying to think. I just want you to know, I have blue balls right now. Yeah. I think he must have punched this smaller guy.

And I say smaller guy simply because he just is, and it's important in this story, because when we break down how the internet looked at this, he is definitely the smaller guy. Okay. Because what you will notice, and I'm going to hit pause, hit pause. What you will notice is this smaller guy, the guy with the curly hair, he has blood on his face right here. So you got to look at that because one of the first moves he does, Tom, his wipes, his blood on his face, looks at his brother, his brothers are the back of the head, what we see. And

then wipes the blood on to Spencer Jones just let's just watch it holy shit okay it's fucking insane I'm so excited right now oh okay why is that cutting off I just turned it off because of the music. Oh, okay. Look at this. Bam, bam, bam. Bam. And then takes him to the ground.

And then melts him. So that's the MMA fighter, I guess. Yeah, the MMA fighter is one with the boots. And the football player is the one on the ground. On the ground underneath him. Now his brother's got this guy. The other guy, he's got him in like, he's kind of holding him so we can't do anything.

He's about to choke him out. Oh shit. Yeah, he's choking him out. He's putting him in a guillotine. Oh, he's done. He's totally not yet. Yeah, he's this gets, actually gets a little worse. Really?

Yeah, wait do you see? Yeah, wham. That guy's out unconscious. And that's his brother? Yeah, that's, yeah. So now he mounts him and he just starts leveling punches. This guy just went way up. That guy knows how to fight, too.

They both know how to fight. Yeah, it's worth watching again so you can see exactly what everything you need to see. So he is talking to his brother, the guy on the gene jacket pushes him and he thinks it's that kid, he thinks it's the other guy. That's why he punches the other guy. Bam, bam, bam. Yeah. I mean, it is, I've watched this maybe a hundred times.

Shit. Yeah. Oh man. Now here's what you need to know. The brother, the one that, not the one that's on Mount right now, but the other one has replied on Twitter and he said, just so you know, we were backed into a corner. This is the only option we had. I'm paraphrasing.

And he's like, we have been wrestling. We do not wrestle for any college, but we've been wrestling since we were diapers, and we've been practicing martial arts since we were 12. And it's very clear that that is, that is, I mean, that just, that guy's out. That guy's out. That guy got really, that guy got really fucked that, that guy's out, that guy's out. That guy got really, that guy got really fucked.

And then here's all the brain damage right here. It's like when you're already out, someone starts just that right there. Yeah. That is making your brain just fucking. So now what's fascinating about this to me and and and realize that this is an assessment that is, you know, it's coming from a comic. I'm trying to think of the angle here. Yeah. But what everyone, the angle here. Yeah.

But what everyone, everyone jumped on this football player and called him a bully. And they were like, that's what bullies get, right? As if everyone identified with the MMA fighter. Right. My perspective is everyone really should be identifying with the football player because none of us are MMA fighters. Right.

None of us know how to fight. Right. There was only a handful of people that are like this young man. Very small group of people. Very small. And here's the thing, most guys don't consider that there's a guy like that out there.

That is why all of us should identify with that football player. And try to hurt the MMA guy together. Because no, no because no no no Oh because because what what is what is interesting about this is I think all and that's what's like not to get too meta about it Yeah, but that is what is wrong with cancel culture. No one identifies themselves as a Karen They identify themselves as the good person right and and clearly This kid now what is this football player saying, he was trying to de-escalate the situation.

It actually kind of looks like he was. Yeah, and so I mean, like we're seeing like a really small example, yeah. But it looks like he's like kind of like, hey, you know, what's the problem? I didn't, it doesn't look like he's being like trying to provoke him. I think it's friend in the gene jacket was provoking.

And I did see that, that his friend, while the head is turned. Yeah. And yeah, it definitely looks like, I mean, here's the thing too, like you, you know, I'm no expert by any means, but having trained a little bit in boxing, the thing that you, the thing that I know is how little I know

about fighting, because I've done it enough to realize what level a trained person is on. It's so far beyond our so grasped, you know, like I sparred with a seasoned boxer. Yeah. And like, you know, he't he did he purposely didn't light me up Right, but that even that experience makes you go like oh my god like if You know just getting like rocked a few times you go like holy shit if somebody really knows what they're doing what they can do to you It's unimaginable. I mean it's like what we saw there like they can really fucking hurt you But what people need to understand what what kind of what left me overly impressed was that

everyone in that story identified with the MMA fighter. That's yeah. And said, that's what you get, fuck you, you're a prick. As opposed to realizing we've all been in a situation where a person smaller than us, talk as a man, has talked shit you've got you know six inches on him or whatever and body size yeah, and you just and and every man has been in a situation Where you could where you don't know and every man who watching that should go my lesson is this is

Never talk shit to anyone smaller than never talk to shit to anyone never get overly confident because I promise you That kid that football player I guarantee you is is a tough kid. Yeah, he plays football. Oh you man. Yeah, and and man When you're met with someone with a tabitve training It's it's other level I Mean it's it's funny. I always think about that I told the story before and I, this is,

this is, if you go to the old episode of Charlie Murphy appearing on Rogan, I told Rogan ask him this because this was so funny to me. So I had dinner with Charlie one time after, like when I first met Joe, I met them on this tour, and Charlie took me to dinner, took me out to sushi. And at one point, he looks up at TV, and he goes, do you think Oscar de la Hoyo could whoop your ass? And I was like, fuck yeah, what are you talking about? He was like, he's like, I know, right? And I was like, definitely. He's a world champion. What are you talking about? I go, you wouldn't even know what happened. It was so fast. Oh yeah. Because the speed is really what get you're like, you just feel like, and you just be like, out.

He was like, yeah, because Johnny Gill thinks he can whoop his ass. And I was like, shut the fuck up. Like, you think an R and B singer can whoop, Oscar de la Hoye is ass. But the whole point of that conversation to me was like, trying to compare a trained person versus someone who's not, I go,

this isn't even the same fucking world, man. We're not even the same stratosphere, you know? Like, you and I fighting each other is one thing. Like we're two basically untrained guys. You throw in like somebody with a decade or more of fight training, it's literally trying to compare like a guy on the street who's like, I'm funny to to a seasoned comedian.

You're like, you have no idea how this is gonna go, man. When that kid wiped the blood off his face, my little brother, and then wiped it on that kid's face. And he immediately went for combo. Bap, bap, bap, like just right away. That's when you realize that kid's super comfortable in this. Yeah. This is like, no one was scared.

No one was scared. No, he knew exactly what he was doing. And I'm not, I can't, I don't know the whole thing, but I assume that I assume based on knowing Joe and knowing cage fighters personally that that kid definitely something happened to him for him to get there. And I don't know, I'm just saying that's a speculation, but like I just, there's blood on his face. I don't know where that came from. And I'm certain it wasn't, you know,

like he had a nose bleed and they were making fun of him. And he was like, guys, don't make fun of my nose bleed. Yeah, yeah. I mean, just, I feel bad for both those kids. And that's where I want, like I kept, the comments are horrific. I mean, the comedy and the comments and it's like, yeah, that's what you get, bitch, lose your eye.

And you're like, no, that kind of shit's not good. You're like, no man, I'm gonna go. But I would love to know how this thing started. We gotta be able to find that. Is there no like, right up about it? Like when you see the article, does it say? Like, if you scroll, like, does it say? Go to unnecessary roughness, is thatness is that is is go to that?

That video he tells the short for him to get the fuck at okay? Jones is on the left He tells the shorter dude in front of him to get the fuck out of here before a man behind Jones shoves the guy Okay, so he did tell him but you also don't know if he's saying get the fuck out of here because the guy said something or did something first Right? Yeah, you don't want me like hey, you know, get the fuck out of here, man. Whew. It's interesting. I have de-escalated fights and I do it a lot differently.

The insert took place at Norman Logis on the corner, a campus corner bar. Video of the incident began circulating. Hey, you know what? I'm a big bar guy. Get the number for Norman Logis. Call them up. See if they know who I am.

Okay. And see if we know who I am. Okay. And see if we can get an incident breakdown. Did they say any more underneath that or no? I guarantee there's a bartender at Norman Logies who knows who I am. I almost guarantee it. I'm a big bar guy. Go to, okay, do me a favor, Nadov.

Nadov, scroll up. This is an interesting, no, no, no, what the fuck did I, I just did it on the screen. You momma, man. Go back, go to that video on Twitter. Scroll, scroll, Go back go to that video on Twitter scroll scroll scroll go to that video on Twitter now look for Go to that video and then his brother replies see if his brothers written another reply in the unnecessary rough This one right he replies underneath and says I am the guy Who in question here, okay? Click on the actual video itself then.

You know what I mean? Click on, yeah, open that one. Go down below it. There must have been a lot of. Yeah, you would think though that his would have high traffic, you know. It does. You can find, hey, do a little research.

You can find the video on Jesus. Jesus, man. Like my Every guy watching this should realize you can be you're very seldomly going to be that MMA fighter who Mounts someone on a urinal you're definitely going to be the guy that loses this fucking eye right and and and Identify that situation and go how do I do I de-escalate because? Hmm I want to find that situation and go, how do I do I de-escalate? Cause, hmm, fuck. That, that just, that kinda shit makes me so glad

I didn't have a boy. Jesus Christ. I got two of them. Yeah, and cause you know that, what's that, what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they,

what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they, what are they, Yeah, man, I mean, you're been in a bar fight? Yeah, I got one into one in college that got gnarly. Really? Yeah, and I didn't even know that these three guys that started this fight, I didn't know

that half the football team was at this bar and as we got into it with these three guys all of a sudden there were a bunch of like six six three hundred pound guys that had our back because they all knew us because we were oh yeah and and like oh I mean people I mean people I mean people who would park I mean these this was like they let like rhinos out of a cage You know like I was like I was like all right. Thanks guys like they just fucking yeah, dude's people got arrested Holy shit. Yeah, that's fucking gnarly man That kid's gonna go to jail

Yeah, he is His life is his that MMA fighter kids life is probably taking a turn for the worst for the rest of his life. And his brother most certainly will go to jail. But he the upside is they will flex hard in prison for the next couple of decades. They're not getting fucked with now. They are not getting fucked with. Hey, did you see first of all, do you know who Dubbaby is? Dubbaby? Dubbaby, Dubbaby, Dubbaby, Dubbaby? The rapper?

Yeah, yeah. He's fucking awesome. Okay. Dude, he's like, I just found him the other day. Yeah. He did a video where they all dance in the street. I just found it and I was like, it's got like 380 million views.

I was like, how am I just here about this guy? Yeah, yeah, there's so many does and liels out there. It's kind of hard to keep up. It gets really confusing. They just released Bobby Schmurda. Yeah, I know. Schmurda. And by the way, they had a picture of Bobby.

Seven years, he did. He was seven years. He's only 20. What, how old is Bobby Schmurda? I love that name. That's a great name. 26. He's been instance, he was a teenager.

He's going, like, I don't mean this. I don't mean this. I hope He's been instance, he was a teenager. He's going, like I don't mean this, I don't mean this, I hope this comes out correct, but he's 100% going back. They have him, they have him on three years parole. Okay. How the fuck, no, no, this is my point about like what happened to Meeke Mill? Yeah, Meeke Mill?

Yeah. Didn't he do seven years or am I wrong? Maybe he did less. He might have done less because He earned an early release. Yeah, and they're making him serve out the rest on parole And this is what's wrong with the justice system is that They don't do that that doesn't happen to everyone that happens to that's what happened to meek Mill And that's why meek Mill kept going back to jail because he wasn't even doing anything right one time He was riding a motorcycle in front of his friends house. Yeah, and that's a pearl violation.

Get a pearl violation, you go back. And so that's what sucks is, is I'm just saying, and I don't mean to, I don't, I'm just being a matter of fact about it is, Bobby Schmurder is on fucking, when did he get off parole in 2026? Hmm. There's no way I could not keep my nose clean.

And I am a 48 year old man who doesn't fuck around But I would go back to jail. I would go it means so easy to break parole Well, you would you would violate okay? I'm violating a fucking heartbeat you violate like the alcohol thing immediate You can't drink alcohol well sometimes you can't let's hope fucking white bitches on a jet isn't one of his full-of-roll violations Because there were three. What was interesting? I guess he's kind of missed the whole Black Lives Matter things because in prison because he got on a jet with three white hosts.

Three hosts. And I don't mean to call you, can we see those plays? Can we see those plays? Can we see your baby's hosts? But when you're on the private jet with Bobby Spurna, when he gets out of jail, and you guys are like, there's a reason they picked those three.

Like they're like, this guy has been locked up, and they're like, I'll fucking make it worth as well. You know what's, they're not there for their conversation. Oh my goodness. By the way, you know that someone's gonna fucking, this is what's wrong with a hot take these days. As you say that, and you know someone's gonna go,

first of all, they're Clive Owens granddaughters and they're the one that he rented the jet for them and they're the reason they were on that. I read the comments under that. It was a fucking hilarious. Are you gonna look something else? Bobby Spurda gets off plane. That's your search.

Jesus Christ, man. It's good to be back. Just type in Bobby Spmerda on Twitter. Oh, man. By the way, him dancing in that video makes me so fucking happy. Is it here? No, it's not. Just type in Bobby Shmerda on Instagram.

On Instagram. On Twitter, Twitter, Twitter, Twitter, Twitter. But just search Bobby Shmerda. Like go to Twitter search of Bobby Shmerda. Not him per se. Just a search. Type it in the search Bobby Shmurda like go to Twitter search of Bobby Shmurda not him per se right just a search Type it in the search there. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, sorry to doff I Know the picture so well. Okay, you know keep going scroll you want the picture you want the picture

You want the picture by the way very responsible. They're all wearing masks I need a beautiful mom moment with his mom. He talked to his mom right when he got out of prison They're all wearing masks. He had a beautiful moment with his mom. He talked to his mom right when he got out of prison. He's got his scrolls, scrolls, scrolls. They're getting off right here. Yeah, yeah, that's not the picture. But the guavo.

The guavo was there. I've seen all of these. Okay. All right. Keep going, scroll, scroll, scroll. You're looking for a photo that's his mom, saying hi to him. You want, what you want is, that's definitely not them.

Keep going. What you want to see is a picture with three white chicks, Bobby Shimada and his, and I think. Quavo. Quavo. Quavo. And they're holding brief cases. It's a picture. All right. Keep going. I think we might be scrolling for a while here, man. Um, I found it right away, but what's crazy is at the picture. Yeah. For me was I saw it and I just had like a knee jerk reaction as I looked at it and I was like, you're like three white hose. There we go. There we go, keep going, keep going, that's it.

Oh right here. Yeah, so yeah. Yeah, there's definitely a reason those three were picked. Maybe they work the makeup counter at Bloomingdale. That was a Smarter Kit, okay, Smarter Kit. I wanna get one of those. He's going back immediately. I want to just

First of all, let me haunt you a second you got to stop with the smurter kits Everything in the kit is a pro violation What would you what would you put in this you to get for me if I got out of prison a christian kit I'm late late vodka Roganos Rogan There we go. Oh shit the hat came off. There you go There you go. Put my rug in. That's how I keep these luscious locks.

Um, wait, why don't you do a hair follicle, like, replacement? I was thinking about it. Leando doesn't want me to. Okay. Why? Because she got fucking a, a viseline. Okay. For the teeth?

Yeah. And? Fucking in viseline. Which, I don't even know it. She's 50. What the fuck? If she's getting cosmetics, she even know it. She's 50 what the fuck if she's getting cosmetics So do 50 she's gonna fix her fucking teeth. What do you want her to fix? Things that people won't really even look at her teeth Get just a huge tits just huge

Shit, yeah, just fucking massive tits I can play with her Fucking nonstop. Yeah, I want you to do that. Oh I chose your scene. I wanted to get nose ringstop. Yeah. I want you to do that. Oh, you got a visel on. I chose Christine, I wanted to get a nose ring. Really? Yeah. Because I notice every time I see a girl is one of my dick leaks. So I was like, it would be badass.

Like, when you see a chick with those nipple bars. Yeah. I don't think that's a little aggressive for a happy 50. Yeah, but. But you know what, you know what's crazy is, I remember being, you know what you know what's crazy is I remember I remember being you do by the way making appointment with a cosmetic surgeon tell her hey We got something special today just drive her to the appointment be like all right

How big can you go and she's like what the fuck are we doing here? I had a joke about Leanne getting into a motorcycle accident Where a motorcycle hit her she wasn't on it, but it hit her. Uh-huh. And she was in a coma. And I was trying to work this as a bit. And they were like, uh, it was really aggressive. People really, like sometimes you'll write a joke. And you'll say it a bunch, like a bunch.

And then someone will be like, hey, just, you know, that's super offensive. And you're like, I've been saying it for a year to everyone. Yeah. The, uh, what was the fucking joke? I don't remember any of my bits. Well, I have the same thing where it's like, if I joke about you or Christina, there's like a window that it's funny in,

and then if I do it like too mean about either of you, people are like, that's not a joke, like that's your friend, I'm like, I'm fucking joking, that's on stage. So I have to like, I've noticed it. I do that with the end of the girls. I make pretty aggressive jokes about them. Like I say horrible things.

Oh my God, I open with the most horrible thing now. Like it's all about just people I care about dying. But. Is it worse than hatch it to the con? No, kind of. Okay, I can't believe we haven't gotten to it yet. We got to talk about this. Amazing thing happened. Amazing.

I love that I got to call you and I got to see your face and that you hadn't known yet. But I got notified. I was in Florida. I was doing shows. Thank you to everybody that came out to the Palm Beach improv because it really that I was in Florida, I was doing shows. Thank you to everybody that came out to the Palm Beach improv, because it really was just what I needed, man. But then I get this notification

that Jennifer Aniston reposted, or posted in her stories, the for safety, you know, about meeting her that bit that was like kind of a big bit from this show where I made up a story about meeting her and you didn't know I was making it up. And then afterwards we discuss, you know, can we meet her and what would you do? And then you ask like, can she bring a dude and I go for safety? So hard as I was, by the way, this show is the hardest I've ever laughed consecutively,

consistently, this show. Yeah. Me too. And that one moment might be that the hardest I've ever laughed. It's because it was random that I obviously picked her to tell the story about. And we always were like, I wonder if she'll ever see it. Because that's kind of your hope, you know. Oh, we reset people like, hey, can you show the general marathon? And everyone's like, no, of course not.

But then she did see it and she did post it and then she DMed us. And then since then, like my inbox was fucking flooded for like two days with like just people and then I keep getting calls from people like asking me to explain, like people go, I gotta call for someone who I don't regularly talk to who was like, can you explain this? Can you explain the Jennifer Aniston thing to me? I'm trying to

understand it. And then another person did that actually. To like pretty famous people. Really? Yeah. I, it's come up in every meeting I've had. Really? I have had, I've had, yeah, I had three meetings yesterday and probably three on Monday. And every single person was like, hold on, Jennifer Aniston reposts to you. Because Jennifer Aniston's like the number one Instagram, how many followers did you get from that? Do you know?

I don't know, I'll tell you how many followers. She has 36 million followers. And I didn't get enough in my opinion. Yeah. I gotta be honest with you, I don't think I'm on brand with her audience. I don't think anyone watched that and they were like, oh, this guy,

these guys are hilarious, let's follow them. So I have 1.6 million followers. The day she reposted, yeah. I got 2,000 followers, which is a lot for the boy. For the day. But it's been 2,000 is a lot for the boy. For the day. But it's been 2000 every day since. There you go. Everyone is brought it up to me.

And it makes you, it puts in perspective, like when you share someone's video, that they do about you that makes you laugh. For the fact that Mr. Clavical or Chase LaParde, for all these people that we know now know kind of, but like the first time they do it and we repost it and they got, they're like, oh shit. They're talking about me on two bears, one cave

or whatever, but you realize that it's not like a, you're also a regular person and you like to laugh. She's a regular person, but she's Jennifer Aniston. Like how are you getting to that phone? Like I bet she doesn't even have like a, I bet she's got a phone number that her assistant knows. Of course. And no one else.

Of course. No one. She probably has like three bat phones, like just one for, you know, people like us. And then, you know, another one to give to production people. And another, you know what I mean? It's probably, there's layers of, because she's so,

she's internationally iconic. Oh, yeah. And by the way, what my take away was, was I've had two moments like this, where your tits get loose and you're like, whoa, what the fuck? It was the rock in Jennifer Aniston.

That's when your tits got loose. When I, when I just like, wait, it's like almost like everything's possible. Yeah. Like the fact that they saw something that we did, I just, to me, it blew me away. I mean, I did like a video of when she DMed me. Like, and by the way, I'm supposed to be a cool guy, and I'm not. You are. You're the coolest guy.

I got, the DM was like, was a, I know, I couldn't believe, I couldn't believe it. I had to, it took me like a minute to figure out how to reply to someone like, you know, I'm a raniston. Can I tell you something? It's the first, first time, like you know, in my life. I was in the green room, and I was sitting with people,

and I go, oh, Aniston just DMed me. So I started typing back, and at the same time, two of them were like, think about what you're writing back. I go, what? They're like, don't just fucking send that man. What are you writing back to? I was like, what do you mean?

I got my initial response, I got pulled. What do you mean? I was gonna write it and I wrote it and I said, maybe I should let Leanne and the girls look at it. And they were like, do not send that. Really? And I was like, I think it's funny.

And they're like, it's not funny dad. It's Jennifer Aniston. Yeah. Dad, just say thank you. And I was like, for real? And they're like, are you being fucking serious? My initial response was, new phone, who does? I thought it would be.

Yeah. But then it's Instagram, so it's like yeah, I should have been like I got it So I just wrote back like What she said you what is she send you hey darling bird you're You are truly Darling Bert Dearest dearest be man You can't make the greatest comic in. Darling Bert. Dearest, dearest, uh, be man.

Um, I just want you to know that you made my day. I was having a very rough day. Your laughter was contagious. Don't listen to anyone that ever says that you laugh at your own jokes and it's annoying. What's the end? You want to know something really crazy? All right. I saw some, that morning, some guy, just shitting on me, just totally shitting on me. That morning?

That morning, this fucking, really honestly, I should have just looked at his who he is and what he does and the way he dresses in his reaction videos that he may have, no, creates no original content, just watches our podcasts or other podcasts and then trashes people that he may, no, creates no original content, just watches our podcasts or other podcasts, and then trashes people that he feels that he wishes he was, you know?

Like he's not gonna trash like you or Burr or Rogan, but anyone who's sitting next, because he's like, he's like, that too, I see myself as, but Rui thinks he really is, as the guys, the fucking me. So, and he is watching what you're standing up, or you're just watching me talk on a podcast,

then he's just trashing me just really aggressively. That's a, it's such an interesting lane to react, but your thing is to post negative reactions. It's kind of strange. I almost want to show you who he is. So you look, at the second you saw this guy, you'd go, okay, why would you ever listen to a guy like that? Yeah, I'm sure I would.

The second you saw this guy. And so, but I saw the video and I was like, and I thought it was gonna be positive, and I looked at it and I was like, oh, fuck, this is horrible. And I was like, ugh, and then I start getting in my head about it. And I'm like, am I, like, start really kind of obsessing

because you have them on stage. You don't really have any quality of art that you're putting out at the time. Everything's on Instagram, and I've been trying to like wean myself off my stories, except for Thursday nights when they go big show airs at nine o'clock on the streets. You've been trying to wean yourself off of making stories?

Well, making stories, some like, I'm way over sharing, I'm way over sharing, and I want it to be interesting. I don't want it to be just like, I'm at the dentist, I broke my tooth for the fucking tenth time. You know where I go? Where some stuff is interesting, some stuff is,

and I just wanna, I just was like, I'm gonna, it's almost like Roy Choi went vegan for a period because he was eating so much meat, meat was on so many plates. He wanted to like reset his palate. Yeah. So for me, I was like, I'm gonna reset my palate a little bit

with my Instagram stories and just find choice times. I don't, sometimes with Instagram stories, I noticed that people's ego flexes. And you're like, you're like, oh, I don't, I don't want to be a part of that. Like I don't, I'm not going to show you. I'm not going to show off. Like when they, like, by the way, I'm sorry,

if you were my friend and I know that you're my friend out there and you do this. And I know that I'm not talking about you to kind of the other comics. But when they set up their phone and hit record and then you watch them do crunches, I'm like, I didn't need to do that. Right, or like, and but it's like,

and so, and I was about to do that. I was about to go like, hey, can you, someone record me doing deadlifts? And then I'm like, why? What the fuck? And that's when I caught myself on like, you doing deadlifts? Oh, bro.

Okay, Nidob, write down, write down workout stuff. Hold on. Oh, but also, I want you to that I I have asked Jen to meet up. You did not I did But guess what I'm gonna keep messing your every single Gen is me again. I noticed you didn. I think we'll get a meetup. I think it's possible. Okay, let's talk about scenarios where like what can we do with a meetup?

Say, okay, I'll be, I'll be Jen, you'll be Burton Tom. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, that video was hilarious. That really was hilarious. The idea that you guys want me to have a guy for safety. And you guys laughing at it made it so much better. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Oh, yeah. Let's do, I think we should do a video of us having the greatest date ever, the threesome.

Okay, I'm super busy. So if you can scale that down. Okay, I brought a photographer. Let's just take some photos together and we'll make it playful. Okay, I don't usually do that without hair and makeup, but full hair and makeup. Oh yeah, they're here,

because they come with you everywhere you go. Oh, okay. You're really getting on top of me on it. Okay, why don't you back the fuck down a little bit? you go. Oh, okay. You're really getting like on top of me on it. Hey, why don't you back the fuck down a little bit? We okay, what if we do a video where we just go all we want to do is go to your house, knock on the door, you open the door and just goes very nice meeting you and shout the door. I bet we get that out of her. Again, though, that's saying like we're coming to your house. God damn it. Yeah.

We got to find neutral territory. Yeah, we do. And also a territory where somebody that famous is like, yeah, that's a cool place for me to go. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, who's your agent? I don't know. I bet you would brosine Gray.

No idea. I'm sure it's not that hard to find out though. Yeah, we'll find out. We'll find out. But honestly sure it's not that hard to find out though. Yeah, we'll find out. We'll find out. Anyway, but honestly, it was awesome. So thank you so fucking awesome. Thank you for an honest. Yeah, thank you, Jen Aniston. That was very sweet. I was a blast. I can't wait. I can't wait to meet her. It's gonna happen. It's gonna happen. I promise. We all we got it like. Oh, by the way, put, put, put, secret handshake. We need to come up with a two bear secret handshake.

We should kiss her hand when we meet her. She's just gonna, like, oh, definitely. She's just watching her go. And then we get down on the ground, we start going, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, start praying to her. I bet I could have an anxiety attack start crying.

If you meet her, I bet I could. I could work myself up. Taking a badder all. Fucking, mmm. Please do that. She could, you know, she could totally... If you did that, I would bond with her so much. I'd be like, I'm so sorry.

What if she goes, hey, do you guys want to go skydiving? No. I'd be like, I'd be like, bird does. Oh, I'm like, great. want to go skydiving? No. I'd be like, I'd be like, Gert does. Oh, no, I'm like, great, I'm going skydiving with Jenny. Yeah. Oh, it's skydiving with Rachel Ray. Yeah, you did.

Yeah, that's kind of crazy. Yeah. She was so sweet. No fucking panicking, my ass off. You have a crush on her. Rachel? Yeah. Yeah, kind of, like, like a regular one.

Like, like, you know that but like like a regular one. Like, uh, like you know, that she'd be a fucking blast a little bit like to be married to. And she's a great fucking cook. And she's adorable. Yeah. Yeah. I think she also kind of looks like I'm a little bit bit or teeth or straighter. Hence the invisible line. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, tell me about your deadlifts. How often are you doing them? So I'm working out four days a week. Nice. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday.

Okay. The, I absolutely love this working out. So I don't know what it is. I couldn't, I couldn't explain it. Because it's not CrossFit. because it's not CrossFit, and it's not Powerlifting, but like we do, I like the other day I did, my workout was,

I did a thousand row, a thousand yards meter row as a warmup, then I did 20 dead lifts, 20 plank for 20 seconds. So just keep going, 20 dead lifts, plank for 20 seconds, 20 dead lifts, plank for 20, with like just keep going 20 deadlifts plank for 20 seconds 20 deadlifts plank for 20 with like a 35 pound 45 pound kettlebell or something. Yeah, and then I did and then I held 45 pound weights for a minute four times just sat with like a static hold and my on my fucking hands were on fire

And then I closed out with a I do these sprints on the rowing machine where it's like 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off, 20 seconds on, sprint, 10 seconds rest, and I was fucking gassed. And I love it because no workout is the same. Like one day we went in and did straight up chest, we did, you know, press, incline, and flies. And, and I, it's just like, there is a little bit of like like I can feel a little bit of white privilege I get at times because I was doing the hammer on to the tire, you know Mm-hmm and there were actually dudes using a hammer to break up concrete behind me And I was paying them to do that and I thought this is a little weird. Okay. I should bet it not over you're going with that

I'm having issues. I'm having issues because I'm doing it. I should bet it not over. You're going with that. I'm having issues. I'm having issues because I'm doing it. I'm doing it at our at the new place we're having. And so people are working and then I'm lifting sandbags and they're actually moving concrete. And I'm like, this kind of seems weird that I'm paying someone to get me to move something. And then I'm paying them to legit. I should just go help them and then not work out at all. So, it's a money. But, I love it. I really do love it. That's great, man. You can't even say what it's for.

When do you get to say what it's for? Never. Never? I think so. Why? Because what? I don't know. That was what I was told.

It was just a secret? I think so. Okay. And I'm the only one that knows your secret. Yeah, you and Joe. Jesus. I'm kind of on a of cycle steroids and I needed Joe's advice on what like wind straw and you're on steroids. Don't think I didn't think about it Tommy. Don't think I didn't think about it. All we need is Bert on Roids. Dude, I could, I'm running fast as fuck right now too like my so my glutes don't fire

I have no glutes my glutes and I think if you look at that video we shot in the shower You can definitely go burst got no glutes. I don't think so my ass kind of collapses a little bit now used to be better I think you have a pretty nice butt like I can't do the thing where let's just end it on that. Thank you Tommy I do I do I can't do the thing. I think I'm comparing it to mine. So My ass is horrendous. Speaking of your ass and like tiger woods Segway so yes Not too long ago a few days ago

Tiger was in a single-car accident in palace Verdez, which is just south of Los Angeles It's it's really if you've never been down there. It's a really really beautiful area. It's on the coast In palace Verdez. Yeah, yeah, right? Oh, it's a palace Verde. Yeah That's like if you look up the resort Teranayah. That's that area. I've been to Teranayah. Yeah, I've been to Teranayah That's where that's where it is. So he was coming over one of those big hills those hills are it's a very windy It's like it's all coastline, but it's these beautiful windy roads See it's it's right down in that area. I've stayed at Teran. Yeah, that is the drive is yeah the drive is incredible when you go when you are Headed towards there. Fuck my wife just got us a weekend at

at fucking fuck. My wife got us a weekend at, uh, in San Diego to spend with the girls, like to, you know, Stano Hotel. Yeah, I love Teranay. Oh, Teranay is the shit. Teranay is fucking amazing. Yeah, so, yeah, so, so, Tiger.

Do you know what happened? Cause, okay. I told you I was gonna look and you go, let me tell you. Cause my reading comprehension isn't amazing. Isn't amazing? It is not. I have a problem with that.

I'll read something and I'll go that, Leon will be like, that's not what they were saying at all. Right. Here's what I got. His gas foot. His right foot. And leg were fucked. From the tibula, he broke the tibula twice. Tibia. Tibia. Tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib-tib Broke his shin. Okay. Which is it? There's a fibula.

Where's the fibula? That's what you broke. No, you broke the humerus. I broke my humerus in my arm. Ironically. And I'm still pretty funny. And then... I have to do that on stage.

Broke my humerus. Put it barely as it stopped my jaws. I've still got it. Well, we made a read what actually happened. And then he fucked up his foot. So what they did is they had to put a pin in his foot, a rod in his leg. And here's, now here's the interesting thing.

Yeah. It broke skin, which is, as we both know, is bad news. Yeah, it's a compound fracture. No, no, no. It is not a compound fracture. When it pierces the skin? it's a compound fracture. No, no, no, it is a it's not a calm. It's not called compound fracture when it pierces the skin, they use a different word. Okay, you might want to read that word. Okay, but it was not compound because I thought I was waiting for them to say compound. It was a something other kind of fracture, but it says this means that it broke skin.

Hmm, I've always thought that was a compound fracture. Me too. What is a compound? Okay, let's see here. Open fracture, compound fracture. No, no, no, no, no, use something, use another word. Maybe it was compound. All right, go back and read what, read what they said. Read what he said. By the way, I hope this is right, like in reading it. Okay. I just imagine. Here's what was released. This is the, okay, Mr. Wood suffered significant orthopedic injuries to his right lower extremity that were treated during emergency surgery by orthopedic trauma specialists at Harbor UCLA Medical Center, a level one trauma center. What does this say there? Communion, what? Communion, open fractures. Yeah, that's a communicative. Communion, Can you scroll? Common muted. Common muted.

Common muted. Okay. That's a cute open fracture. See that, that's what it works. Yes, open fractures affecting both the upper and lower portions of the tibia and fibula bones were stabilized by inserting a rod into the tibia. Additional injuries to the bones of the foot and ankle were stabilized with a combination of screws and pins.

Trauma to the muscle and soft tissue of the leg required surgical release of the covering of the muscles to relieve pressure due to the swelling. That is the chief medical officer, Dr. Anish Mahojan. I don't even know what that guy looks like, but by that name, I want him operating immediately. Yeah, he is currently awake, responsive recovering his hospital room. Okay, there are no him operating immediately. Yeah, he is currently awake, responsive recovering in his hospital room. Okay, there are no further updates. So yeah, he had severe orthopedic injuries to his right leg. We alone like single car accident like that thing, you know, high center of gravity in those SUVs.

I don't know if you've ever taken a turn. What kind of car was it? I think it was a Kia. It's a Hyundai. Hyundai. It's a new Hyundai was it Kia. It's a Hyundai. Hyundai. It's a new Hyundai was it from, it's a sponsor at his. I don't think they're gonna move a lot of units after this, but it's a new vehicle.

Pulling up the picture of, I wanna see what it's not, what it looked like after the wreck, but I wanna see what type of car that was. Yeah, I feel like it's called a... It's because it's interesting. Before the accident, I would have been like, good enough for Tiger, good enough for me. After the accident, I was like, that's enough for Tiger, good enough for me after the accident.

I was like, that's why you drive a Range Rover. There it is. That's not it. Is that him? He looks great. Yeah, he's super jacked, man. He is jacked. There it is.

And he just underwent back surgery. GV80, Genesis GV80. He just underwent back surgery in December. So immediately what's interesting is that a number of surgeries and you know He's like he's one of those guys where he actually creates so much torque with his swing that he can hurt himself when he does full like he had to strengthen Core muscles so that the torque of his swing doesn't damage him more. My trainer said that she has to be careful with me.

Yeah. Because I generate torque. Yeah, lots of torque. Oh Jackson, Tiger, Bert. Oh Jackson, Tiger, Bert. Yeah. I, you know, it's, what's interesting is in reading it. Like, it's almost like the news was trying to sell you a storyline. They were like, investigators looked for the smell

of alcohol and as opposed to just going like, he got an accident, right? Like he definitely got an accident. He's going to the hospital. But immediately they're like, they don't know if drugs were in his system and you're like, or also it's 7.45 in the morning, he got an accident. Like, and then they're like,

but the smell, he was responsive, but he was definitely in shock. And I'm just like, I wonder how long he laid there with those injuries before he's, you know what I mean? Cause like, he goes over a neighbor reports it, but I'm saying is he's set, and they had to use Charles's life.

No, not jaws of life. No. It was miss, miss reported. Yeah, it was just a crowbar and they pulled them out, the windshield, they pulled them out, they went, all airbags deployed. But imagine when you get pulled out and your shits all broken, like how painful that must be.

I don't know, I'm asking. Yeah, it is. I mean, I got to remember coming home like a lunatic from the first hospital and you guys helping me to that couch and everything's fresh broken. I mean, that was like- Just getting you from that,

and by the way, they moved him out of it. They probably the equivalent of us getting you from your car to that couch was probably almost as it, so then, and so, and I think if I'm not mistaken, he has admittedly had a problem with prescription pills. He has and he I mean he had that DUI and you know, that's probably why a lot of people were like,

oh did he get fucked up again? 7.45 in the morning, my brain goes too late in the morning to still be fucked up. I don't know. He was just playing golf with Dennis with David Spade the day before. The day before? The day before Dennis. David Spade had a picture on his Instagram of him and Tiger and a golf cart and it was like eight hours before like posted it eight hours before the accident.

Oh yeah. I'm a big I'm such a big Tiger fan and that stuff like this I don't understand how people don't see the potential in the hero in this. Like where I go, I just, I get excited and I go, the comeback man. Well, yeah, because the comeback's been awesome so far. And listen, he's gonna rebound for that. I've watched you. You're, I think some people fall apart during this and some people excel. Yeah.

And I definitely would be the fall apart guy, but I think Tiger's an exceller. And I, what can we do to help him get through? Like, what can we do? How do we offer our services? And possibly a level of friendship? I can friendship. I wish I could contact him to just give him the best physical therapist.

You're gonna say the best physical massage. I will massage you. If you think he, you know he's got the best physical therapist. I will massage you. Do you think he, you know he's got the best physical therapist? No, I do. You do? I really do. Really? I mean, I have who Royal family's fly over for NBA All Stars

use to rehab their injured, like the best. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if she gets the call. If I, I'll see her today, I wouldn't be surprised. She's like I guess what you know, oh she wouldn't actually say that but I Guess what? She's not you No, she would problem, but I'm sure that that her phone is gonna ring I got man How can what can we do as someone who is injured?

How can we apply our services to lighten his mood in this time of need? I mean, the best thing we could do is probably make him a video, send it to him, you know? For real? Yeah. Okay. Hey, Tiger, we know you're down.

No more soccer for you, huh? Or something like this, probably a little. That's it. It's probably maybe not. Like, you were in his shoes. Right. So like, how, like, what would you, what would have made you giggle? So like, how, like, what would you, what would have made you giggle?

Um, you know, I think like, genuinely, like, I don't think he wants us to video ourselves at his house, you know, be like, there's nothing you can do about this right now, but I feel like, yeah, I don't think that, like that stuff wouldn't work. And this is your toothbrush. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think, you know, it's the equivalent of the Aniston video is what he needs. Yeah, he needs an Aniston video. Yeah. Did I tell you about the time I met Tiger Woods?

What was that video? Did they tell you about the time I'm a tiger woods? No, Ari has a tiger story. And I think he posted the video one time, like, yes. Put Ari's your fear tiger woods. He posted a video once. Yes, this is real, because they did a, let's see if we can hear it.

All right, I wanna hear it. Hold on, can we play it? Yeah if we can hear it. All right. I want to hear it. Hold on. Can we play it? Yeah, we can play it. Because it's them talking, you know. Hold on, hold on. So what happened was this was for the Tiger Woods

has a really successful, you know, video game. Yeah. And you kid me. Steve and Ari. So you know, I addressed my, I was obsessed with Tiger Woods Golf. Yeah. I was obsessed with it. I had it on my PlayStation 2, my PSP. I was obsessed with Tiger Woods golf. I was obsessed with it. I had it on my PlayStation 2, my PSP. I don't know everything.

Yeah. But I always dressed my character as to look like Patrice. Uh-huh. Because the first time I played anything on a PSP or on, well, I was with Patrice. Did, did Patrice play golf? No, I'm, I don't, that's a big, not, I don't, I don't know the answer, but I can almost bet my house on no.

Really? Yeah, why? Cause he didn't look like a golfer. I said, I know he didn't, cause me and Voss played golf in Scotland together, and he didn't even go, nor show any interest. Who played?

Me and Voss, Rich Voss. Oh yeah. He really plays a lot. And he's a great golfer. Yeah, yeah. So I played Tiger Woods golf in front of, I think it was, if I'm not mistaken, I was playing it in Scotland,

and I was setting up my character. And as I was setting up, I was sitting next to Prius. Prius and I just made it look like Prius. And I kept making him fat, but I gave him an afro. Prius was like, bitch, you didn't say bitch. And so I always made my golf characters look like Pririce, just that, it made me giggle, right? So ever.

So one time I'm playing Tiger Woods at my house and two black people walking in our house at our old apartment. And I have it, all I just have is this big fat black guy on the screen. I'm playing him as a golfer and it just did not read right. Really? Yeah, they were just like, what's that? I was like, oh, it's Tiger Woods and I was like, that doesn't look like Tiger Woods. I go, oh, that's me.

And they're like, that doesn't look like you. And I was like, it's actually Patrice, but no one knew Patrice was at the time. And they're like, who's that? And you're like, it's your uncle. It's like, we played my fucking video game. Wait, let me hear Ari's story. So this is the thing. They are Ari and Steve were hired to be some type of talent either promotionally or for

a commercial for Tiger Woods Golf. And they hung out with him all day. And yeah, Ari has a pretty good story. But this is a clip of them playing and I think the audio is them talking as they're playing this. But he held on to it for a while. It's real. Okay.

Uh, what would you do here? What you want to do is actually aim it right at the middle It's real. Okay. Uh, what would you do here? What you want to do is actually aim it right the middle of the trees right there. I hit a low draw. I'm just trying to help you out. Tiger Woods, PGA Tour. Yeah, that's real. That's awful. Get there. There you go. I'm just trying to help you out. Tiger Woods, PGA Tour.

Yeah, that's real. That's real. Yeah. That's Tiger Young Man voice. I know. Does not sound like him. He has told me the story about some other words, he said too. That's pretty good.

Really? Yeah. So wait, oh, so that's just a guy shooting the shoot with that? That's the commercial. No, no,, so that's just a day you're just a guy shooting the shoot with this. That's the commercial. No, no, no, that's not the commercial. That is from the day that they're doing the commercial and they're hanging out and Ari had got that like from whoever was shot and he just kept it

and then he put it on his Instagram. I don't know, maybe like when Tiger won the master or something more recent, he's like, I held onto this for like eight years and then he posted it But it's yeah, that's real I'd like to do I see the problem is that Tiger sober That's the problem. Yeah, I'd like to have some scotch with them, you know I like to have a scotch in cigar. Maybe you could break them, you know, I would love that as a TV show

Off the wagon with Bert Christchurch. Oh my God. Who takes celebrity soo've been sober. Like, first one's been a flick. How you be real popular? Dude. I saw him a couple weeks ago. No. Yep. Where?

At the coffee shop I go to. Did you say anything? No. It was right before he broke up with his girl and she was with him. Funny what I do and don't follow. Like, I follow Bobby Schmurder, but I don't follow Benif— Like, I don't know what's going on in his life. I mean, I just happened, I mean, first of all,

it's funny, because I was wondering how somebody could recognize me recently with a mask on, because it happens. Like frequently. It happens to me a lot. Can I tell you, I had the great, I don't shout out to whoever you are, I don't know who you are.

I walked out of my house the other day, Sunday morning, hungover, I was giggly, and I was in like under, like pajamas pants, shorts, no shirt, and I take my dogs out to the front yard, and the guy just driving this, down the street goes, hey, Burt, and I said, yeah, and he goes, looking skinny, my man, and I went, that is how you start a fucking day. That's how you start a day.

That's how you start a day. I was just a fan, and I was like, oh, cool, my wife's like, he knows where we live. Of course he does. Everyone knows where we're from. Yeah. That's what you want. I, yeah, I have it all the time. Pretty frequently where masked up, even sunglasses on,

and someone was like, hey, Tom, you're like, how do you, but then here's the thing. So I mean, I always go like, how do you recognize me? How is that possible? If all this is covered up. But then as soon as I saw him I always go like, how do you recognize me? Like how is that possible? Yeah. If like all this is covered up. But then as soon as I saw him with a mask on, I was like, oh, it's Ben.

Like a real? Oh, immediately. Like I looked up and I was like, then I have like. I would get close enough to smell him. I would definitely, just giving you a heads up, Ben. If you see a guy sniffing you, it's me. I'm sure you'd be cool about it. I would love to smell him.

Why do you want to smell him? Seedy smells like. Think where it's from? Not but he smells good though. I bet he smells like soap. Yeah. I bet he smokes cigarettes. Oh yeah.

So maybe he's like a little, yeah. Yeah. That turns me off. Oh, Ben. Are you trying to get Bert turned off or not? I want him to smell like a, I want him to smell like Fiji Diodorant. I respect Fiji Diodorant.

That's, that's a Diodorant? Like it's, what I wear. And so I want him to smell like me. You want him to smell like you. And I go, oh my go, is that me or you? And he goes, I don't know, you were Fiji, I go, I do. And he's like, it's both of us then. Yeah.

And it helps me. Yeah, it'd be a good time. You know a good time with them. Why don't you do something with Benaflack and Matt Damon? Matt Damon, we can get connected to. For real? Yeah. Let's do a buddy trip.

Okay. Let's do a buddy trip. Like, what will we do with the two of those guys? What would you want to do? Like, buddy trip, fishing? You know what? Maybe. I feel like, first of all, they're gonna be like,

hey guys, are we foot in the bill for this thing? And we're like, well, most of it. Most of it. But why not? We're not like, bombs, but you know. What do we want to do with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon? All right, number one, the trip's gonna end with rehab for Ben, because he's falling off a wagon.

And I know that probably doesn't make you guys want to do the trip, but here us out. The trip's gonna be so much fun. I'll go to rehab with you. I'm gonna rehab with you. But wait, just to like, be a companion. Yeah, I'll be like, you're sober, buddy. But will you get sober? I'll be your response with you. I'm gonna rehab with you. But wait, just to like be a companion. Yeah, I'll be like your sober, buddy But will you get sober? I'll be your response of bill of buddy. Will you get sober? Yeah, I'll get for fucking long rehab is

But what about when you get out of rehab? Yeah, I'm not gonna be sober. I'm a problem. I Got a rehab. I'll have fucking love rehab. Yeah. I would love rehab rehab I always had like a white wine marijuana sativa rehab where you could have white, it was in, here's my rehab. Can I tell you what I want? You know, I went to rehab once, right? No. I went to rehab.

For real? After I OD'd, yeah. They sent you to rehab? They did. It was terrible. It was terrible. I was like, I basically was like, you guys are fucking losers. Oh yeah. Come on. I mean, you can't go to rehab, but you don't want to go.

The first, so they go, they sent me for an evaluation, because they're like, this guy just OD'd at 19. And they sent you to, they sent me to like a really nice rehab place. And one of the first things to do is this group thing. And everyone's like, you know, I'm a drug addict on this and that. And then they got to me and I was like, I'm not like you guys. thing and everyone's like, you know, I'm a drug addict on this and that and they got to me and I was like, I'm not like you guys. And they were like typical addict. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, I party too hard one night. These guys were all like sucking dick for crack and, you know, I was sleeping in a dumpster.

I was like, yeah, no, man, I'm in college and I partied and I got real fucked up. And they were like, hmm, so wait, I had all these like, you know these meetings and one-on-ones and group things. And one of the counselors, one day, we were like, finish the thing and walking down the hall and he goes, hey, come here, I want to tell you something. And I go, what? He goes, if you can stay cool with like, weed and alcohol, you're fine.

And I was like, you work here? And he's like, he's like, seriously? He goes, I don't think that. And I go, okay, he goes, don't tell him when I told you that. I go, works for me. And then he's like, I can get it for you. I suck my dick. And then you're like, I'll suck your dick.

He's like, you got a problem. That was the test. I had a roommate at a roommate at this place. Yeah. I was like, what are you in here for, man? He was like, alcohol. I was like, yeah, you got a real problem. He was like, yeah. I was like, I, you got a real problem. He was like, yeah.

I was like, I go, what was your drink? He goes, gin, I go, what were you drinking? He was like about a gallon a day. Oh, I was like, oh. See, I want to fix, I want to, I like, it bums me out. Okay, I'll tell you what, all right, let's repitch it. Hey, Ben and Matt, I will be sober for the whole trip

for a buddy trip. But it's gotta be something fun that you don't make you not wanna drink. You know what I mean? And also, it should probably be something, like here's a, it's push. Let's go biking through the Alps. I think that it's gotta be something they haven't done.

They've probably done a lot of like a wild shit. You know. I was doing a sibling rivalry with Oliver's, I was doing a sibling robbery. Yeah. With Oliver's, I was about to say Oliver Stone, Oliver and Kate Hudson. Yeah. And with my sisters. Yeah.

And they do like this power round at the end of like questions they ask you, you know, if you could take one thing from one of your, and then I said, hey, here's a question, and we'll answer it, you guys answer it, then we'll answer it. And I was like, if you could go back, if you go to heaven, and they say heaven is,

you get one vacation, that you're one family vacation with your family for the rest of your life, you get to be in that vacation. What would that vacation be? And my sisters and I were thinking about our vacations that we've had. Like we went to blowing rock one time, we drove to blowing rock, we drove to the keys, but we had one in Orlando, where we never left the hotel, within everyone in Disney World. It was like our favorite. And I go, what were yours? And Kate Hudson's like, and by the way, I'm not telling stories at a school,

she told us on her podcast. Yeah, so we're gonna go over and all of her, check it out. She goes, probably that time we biked through the Alps, and I'm like, both my sisters were like, all right, don't see our stories. Like, we did everything that cool, they were like, we were like 15 and 14, and we were driving through the out, right into the Alps and we were stopping and getting wine.

And I'm thinking, and they're with, they're with fucking Goldie-Hon and Kurt Russell. We saw them the other day. No, you didn't. Yeah, same place. For real? Same place. Where is this coffee shop?

It's pretty baller. It's where I live. Now, um... There's no one at my coffee shop. Yeah, no. I think I'm the biggest famous person in my coffee shop. Oh, I've been there. I know. I know. I think I might be the most famous person in my coffee shop.

My coffee shop sucks dick. Yeah. Yeah, and she looks fucking sick. They both look great. Yeah. They both look great, man. Okay. Where do we want to go with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon?

Where do we want to do? What do we want to go with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon? Where do we want to do? What do we want to do? It's got to be adventure. Okay, hear me out, just hear me out. I'm going to soft pitch it. Hey, Nadav, pull up top 10 adventure guy trips. Okay.

Because it should be climb, climb out Kilimanjaro. So that's too much work. Okay, okay, okay, just here we go. Okay, 25 transformative, I've been there. I've actually been there. I've jumped off that you got to hit the go up. Go up. You got to hit the gallery. Yeah. Okay. Whitewater Rappetal the Grand Canyon. I mean, it's cool. It's cool. I've done you don't want water rafting, right? Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. It's fun. It's just not we don't get enough FaceTime. We're all looking at the back of each other's heads. Yeah. Yeah. Burn some rubber pass. to keep going. Yeah I'm gonna go get past my grilling gum. Yeah, they're gonna be a Y Trask the Tusk I mean that one's kind of cool. Go Africa. We're not gonna hunt them

No, no, no, no, that would be cool though if we kill elephants We've been and we had old school pictures of us with like, and when you see their dark side like mats, like hey, everyone thinks I'm a nice guy, right? You know, I love to collect animal tusks, especially ones that are like going out of, like going in an extinction, they just cuts that fucking elephant tusks. We're like, holy shit.

You guys have a lot of boards of dick. Catching grill trout. Like a kayak with boo, you know, okay, how about a long kayak adventure. Like, when we get on kayaks, and we go from island to island. Yeah. And track a pot of blue whales, sounds fun. Pretty cool.

Make wine, pass, I don't think we can do that one. I think it's more like a chick trip. Yeah. Climb a white, I've done this. I've climbed a tree. This fucking terrifying. I'm not doing that again. Yeah.

Camp on a volcano hard pass kayak the go up goes. Oh, that would be cool. What about a dive trip like a scuba dive? No, but see I'm trying to what I'm trying to do is make it so active you don't want to drink at the end of the night Okay, what about a surf trip? What if we do a surf trip down a Y skip that one survive alone Survival on the wild, save a person. Save the world in person. Oh, dyslexic. Save the world in person. Change. Can do the main woods.

That's pretty chill. Why can't we do that? What if we did like a deliverance trip? We kayak down a river and then, but without the sexual assault, fly it across waves, pass. You can get a fine Nemo. Oh, God.

I wouldn't mind living on a boat with them. Oh, I know what I want to do. I know what I want to do. What if we go, okay, I got it. What if we go down off the coast of Mexico and swim with great white sharks for Discovery Channel? We could do, you want to do that? Yep, let me call right now.

I'm gonna call Discovery. Wait, you're gonna do it. Bip, bip, bip, do it. I got it. You're pitching it. I'm pitching it. Yep, yep, yep, yep. You know what I'm doing, but they're not on board. That's okay. That's okay. Okay. Let's see if it gets purchased. You ready? I'm calling discovery right now. Yeah. Yeah, they're gonna be like, that's great. They're on board. We like, yeah, we just got to call them first. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna soft sell it soft sell it to Okay Go ahead. Okay

Shark week shark week. We're doing shark week with Ben and Matt Am I important enough that my phone will be picked up? Doesn't look like it. I think they're passing on our show. Okay, I'm going straight to the the, I'm going straight to the teat. I'm going straight to the teat. Who are you calling? My friend at Discovery.

Should I FaceTime him? Who are you FaceTiming? Discovery Channel. It's a dressing room. What, like the CEO? No. One of the presidents? Yeah.

Yeah, FaceTime him. All right. That's a super chill, wait a minute. Wait a minute, he's going super chill way to go. Pitch a show. Alright. What's the name of that? Hey, find the name of the island. Find the name of the island where they go swimming with great white sharks.

In just off the coast of Mac Toulade. Are you seriously facing me? Alright, I have a pitch for you. Tell me if you buy it, okay? Just give me out. Me? Tom Segura. Are you seriously facing me? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Off Mexico boat ride out swim with great white sharks and guess what we got spot for one more guy You're in you buy it. We're doing it Done done done all right. That's how you sell television toes That's what I'm talking about that's what I'm talking about we just got a good Hey, I'll talk to you later. We're doing a podcast. Okay. Oh, great. Oh, stop me on.

Okay, bye. Sold. Who is that? Sold. Who is that? It's President Discovery. Sold. I don't know exactly what his title is, but...

I do love that he opened with... Are you seriously fucking face-time with me, right? Yeah. Sold. Sold. We just sold a show to fucking discovery. Thanks, man. Hey, Ben.

Shark Week. Shark Week. It's Ben Tom Bert and Matt Shark week you know fucking but you might need to take his him out I know I'm not certain he was comfortable buying us. Oh, do you think that Matt and Ben sold? Why wouldn't you be a part of a sold project? Yeah, they don't have a lot of it. Yeah, he sold it They have no I'm what are they fucking care? Okay, okay? Like okay, I said Tom. I sold a project where you attach you interested You're like what time is the project is yeah, are you interested? Yeah, I'm interested. They're done

Okay, hey Ben Matt. We'll see you on the boat Thanks guys for listening. Let's let's we done yeah, we're done. We're done. That's a way to the end of show We just sold a fucking show. Yeah, that was amazing. Yeah, thanks, but thanks Bert We should sell a show we generate us in oh, yeah, let's pitch it next All right, bye thanks, Bert. Which is a seller show we've had a randestine. Oh, yeah, let's pitch it next. All right, bye guys. Love you. Thanks. Bert, Tom, Tom, and Bert.

One goes top and swat the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call to Bert's one cave. No scripts to be the booze amateur for topology dirty jokes

ranchie humor no apologies here's what we call to bears 1K