2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 73 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://Watchgang.com/bears and use code BEARS for 20% off your first purchase - Grab the Bud Light Seltzer Out of Office Variety pack for a very limited time only at a store near you! - Go to https://Feetures.com/CAVE to get $10 off your first pair! - Get 20% Off and free shipping at https://Manscaped.com/BEARS - Get 10% off your first 3 months at https://Ritual.com/BEARS - Head to https://Policygenius.com right now to get started. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right. - Go to https://Whoop.com and use code "Bears” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Today on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom and Bert discuss the latest on Meghan Markle and the Royal Family. Afterwards, they take a deep dive into Papa John's struggle with his racist vocabulary along with the common issues with "big words" in our society. To cap it off, Bert explains his exercise/diet routine, how he feels very similar to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and that he might be able to beat him in a foot race.

Isn't that crazy that our relationship, if this was 200 years ago, would not be so much fair? Yeah. You as a proven and me as a white guy. And that's crazy that we're partners now. Yeah, that's progress. And you're of German descent. So it's real. Do you ever, do you have 100%?

I don't understand why my dick gets so small when I have to pee really badly, you know. It's interesting you say that because my dick after a run is so small. Yeah. And like if I work out and I look jacked and I take a picture of me naked, it is so small it hurts my feelings. Yeah, I'm the same way. If I do any type of exercise, I could feel it start to retreat. And if it's like intense cardio, I've sometimes had to reach into my pants

and pull my dick out of my body. And my body, out of my body. I pull my dick out of my body before it. It goes back inside like I'm getting re-circum sized. Yeah, I can't even. I'm so glad that you said that. I feel like I was the only one that, when I rode, when I was really fat, I was riding my bike from Philly to Atlantic City.

And when I sat on the bike in Philadelphia, I was doing this for Prestonist, I don't know if it was Prestonist Steve, but I did it for them. When I sat on the bike, my dick went into my body and I went, this is gonna be really uncomfortable for 65 miles. Yeah.

And also, but that's the physical part. Psychologically, you're like, why's my dick inside of me right now? Yeah. Like right now I was driving here and I had taken, I drank a bunch of water before I left the house and I was like, oh, I don't think I have to pee.

So like halfway through the drive, it hits you, like, oh, you gotta pee a lot now. pee. So like halfway through the drive, it hits you, like, oh, you got to pee a lot now. And then I could just feel my dick starting to go like inside my body. When I was in recovery, at one point, I had to sit on this commode that was too small. And I was, so I'm sitting in my, and I'm like, you mean every toilet I've ever sat on?

Where you got to tuck your dick into it? So I couldn't, so you know what happened? My dick went into my body, my dick went into my body, and then, but like you're shitting, and I'm all fucked up, and so I had to put the urinal over the whole in my body, in case Pistad come out, and at one point I was done one time, and I took the urinal cover and I put it down,

and the nurse looked down and she goes, Oh, like just, oh, I'm picturing a very attractive Filipino woman. She was Mexican. You sure she wasn't Filipino? Sure. I double checked. Yeah. And she was very attractive. And it was, oh, I still think about her just going like. Oh, yeah. And she was very attractive.

Really? Oh, I still think about her just going like, oh, no. I was like, I was just, I'm all fucked up right now. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm, I'm not. Right now, it's kind of normal, you know. But I peed. Why does peen make you go inside of me?

I don't know. All the doctors out there, all the med students that are watching, get back to us. Yeah, my daughter saw my dick once, and it was, it was a fucking... Calvishy. It's like a year ago. What'd she say?

Both of them saw it. What were you getting out of the shower? I think I talked about it. I'll talk to my space. It's going to be a bit. No, yeah, yeah. It was a bad scene. It was a really bad scene.

It was like... It was a fucking hole party. Was it a party? It was like a whole event. And it was bad. And I... When they saw it though, did they see a bad version? The worst version you could ever see every dad's dick.

The worst version. You could not imagine like a thunderstorm of excitement, excitement, excitement, hey we're going to dinner, open the door, what the fuck? And I almost want to, I want to call this Mexican nurse and be like, it gets bigger. Like I want to, I want to actually go to the hospital the hospital be like can I show you my dick real quick? I bet that's actually a good defense if you get caught texting dick pics to people Just go actually they walked in when it was small and I was just I was just letting her know it gets bigger Yeah, and they're like, okay, that makes sense like I actually want to I want to tell her like no It gets like a thousand times bigger like I don't think you understand that would be a great

I would be great to know, I would love to know at my dick at my smallest. Yeah. How much bigger it gets because a thousand is probably too big. No, but it does grow like a thousand percent. So wait, so wait. So I'm watching this is like I'm trying to, I'm trying to be mindful because my brain is not right at all. Oh, no, no. But even what makes me laugh is not, it's not, like no one gets it sometimes. I'll do something and I'll think it's funny, and then no one gets it. And then you've got it, sometimes with a joke, you just need one person to get it.

Yeah. And then it becomes funny to every- That's true, that's true, that's true. Like, in today, it was on modern marvels. I'm obsessed with this, each channel right now. It's on modern marvels and- Your regular history buff. Hey, yeah.

And they were talking about gigantic meals. I almost videotaped it. I didn't because I said, I don't need to have this bit of content on my phone because I know I'll post it and then I know I'm gonna get canceled for it because it's not funny, but it's funny to me. This guy was giving these kids giant, it was this candy guy,

he's giving them giant gummy bears, right? And he's like, there's three boys. And he's like, hey, and I have headsets on running. So I can't hear him, but I'm just doing the dialogue. And it's a dude giving three boys candy. It kind of looks molesty. And he's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, and the kids are like, well, they're all acting.

But it really comes off like when Arnold went to that guys house with his buddy Duncan and they took their shirts off and played video games. It looks really sexually assaulty. And I fell off the treadmill because the next thing he pulls out is a huge gummy worm like from like this. And all I heard, his smiley says he goes,

you guys ever try ass to ass? And I couldn't stop laughing at that. And I was like, oh, I should post that. And then I didn't. It's just look like it's still got this big gummy worm. It's like, you're a fucking dildo. And he's typing huge gummy worm. Oh, wait, look about that one right there

with the guy's mouth around it. Like, is that it? Is that it? Ah! Ah! Ah! For three pound gummy worm. Oh, my God. Ah! Ah! Ah! For three pound gummy worms! Oh my god!

Ah! So that's what I want to do to the Mexican nurse. I want to discover. Ah! Ah! Ah! Type in a huge gummy worm modern marvels, because I could not stop laughing. I almost, I'll send you a picture of it.

Oh fuck. Oh, fuck Three that is so fun now it's sour I saw that and I was on the treadmill. I laughed myself off the treadmill. Oh, that is a really ridiculous gummy worm dude Jesus Christ. That's like a fucking double-headed dildo And this is guy with these three boys and and he just pulls it out from out of things. Hey boys, you guys were try ass to ass? You wanna earn your candy? All right.

And but I was like, I was like, I don't put that out there, because in my head I'm like, I don't wanna fucking, I don't wanna, because you never know how people read things. Yeah. Because I think it's,

I can say it to you fine. Yeah. That's why I go, I know one watches it so. Yeah. No, but like if once you write it, Yeah, then it's like totally different. Yes You and then even if you say it, they'll just grab the bit and then go what was the thing like a clickbait? Yeah I was saying to this to Nidavar You're a clickbait ho I'm a clickbait moron like I'm the guy that gets outraged at the title

And then I watch the video. Oh, that's not fucking bad at all. But I get outraged at the title. And you're exactly who it's targeting. Exactly. I mean, I am, by the way, I guarantee you, I have the, I have just below the average intelligence of American. Like, I would argue I'm smarter because I make money. You know, like I look at some, like I know there's,

I know there's actual, like I was thinking about this, I know there's people that watch this show that don't like me, like our show, but they don't like me, and they're skinny, and they're losers, and they do drugs, and they're alcoholics, but then they go, he's just a fucking alcoholic, he's just a fucking alcoholic. Guys, I've read your comments, you're just a fucking alcoholic, you're the fucking moron.

Yeah, I'm actually smarter than you, and so you need to realize that, like that you who hate me, I'm actually better than you. And so, and I know that, you actually know that too. That's why you hate me. Now, what you need to understand is that we're on the same team. You that hate me, we're on the same team. We're not that smart. And so the things that get you crazy, I get crazy.

And so, they actually like you. They don't know that they like you. They don't know it. They don't know it that we're brothers, I get crazy. And so they actually like you. They don't know that they like you. They don't know it. They don't know it that were brothers, that were literally brothers. And that if you ran into me in an airport bar, getting onto your Southwest flight, we'd become best friends within fucking seconds.

And then you'd be like, oh, I'm on American. I'll see you later. I'd be like, good luck sitting in Steerage. And so I, but I, but the one today was, who's the guy from modern family, Jesse Thorn? I don't know his name. Jesse Thorn. The red head?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like him, right? But the clickbait title was, Jesse Thorn is raising his son gay until he, that's not Jesse Thorn. Actually, that's Jesse Thorn. That is Jesse Thorn, but that's not the Thorne. Actually, that is Jesse Thorne. That's not the guy.

Jesse Thorne is, by the way, makes really cool clothes. This guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Type in Jesse Thorne's clothing. Jesse Thorne's a really interesting guy. He's got a podcast, he does a cruise. Hit the all instead of the image. He's a comic and he has great fucking clothes.

He's a comic? He's a comic. That's so funny. Jesse Thorne's my name. This guy right here. Jesse Thorne's a comic. He's a comic. That's so funny, Jesse Thorn is by his name. This guy right here. And Jesse Thorn's a comic. Type in. Wait a minute. I swear to God.

They either were looking at right now. Yeah, on accident. I'm not on accident. He was a... This guy's a comedian. And he makes bespoke clothing. Yeah. Am I okay?

Yeah. Type in Jesse Thorn. Google, you want to know a little sidebar? I won't tell you it, but uh... Jesse Thorn. Okay. to know a little sidebar. I won't tell you it but Jesse Thorn Okay, he's a he's a podcast. He's a comic and he also Makes clothing. He's like a really interesting dude I've known this guy. I've known this guy. I've known this guy for what is it say here? Like I can't read that It says host of max fun HQ founder, put this on creator, JJ Gohost.

He was a comment too. Hit his website there. Look, Karen Kilcareth follows him. Like a lot of people that we know follow him. All right. He's an interesting guy. I mean, looks interesting. Yeah.

And that's not who I was talking about. Okay. I know you're talking about it. You're talking about the red head from a modern family. The title, and I get so angry, because I don't put that title. They go, he's raising his son gay until he realizes he's straight. And then I was like, I was like, my head, I'm like, how do you raise your son gay? Like, I'm not raising my daughter's straight.

Like, that's really aggressive. Like, I'm letting my daughters choose whoever they want wanna be. And then, and by the way, I really don't know. What are they on him for for raising his, that's the guy, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, who I like. And I go, why would he do it? Why would he, why would he, why would he do it?

He's raising his kid, he's raising his son gay. And then, and then if he chooses to be straight later in life, he will allow that. And I went, so, allow that and I went so Is that wouldn't you let it is that a bird report? It's a it's a fuck yes, okay? It's a bit. He's doing a fucking bit. It's like oh, it's like he's just like he's like is it's a joke? Oh, okay, I didn't understand that and I yeah, and I'm like He's just is raising a kid and he's gay. He's just joking

Oh, I got you. And I'm like, don't put, you got me to click on it because anyone, if you said, if you said, Tom Skr is raising his son straights and if they decide they're gonna be gay, then he'll deal with that when it happens. You'd be like, wait, hold on, fucking let a kid just be, the fuck it wants to be.

Oh no, they're being raised straight, man. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Just gonna tell you, I started texting. Yeah. Presence, I'm getting your sons when they move to Texas. Uh-huh. Ready to see, I sent it to my, I sent this. This is, uh, sent these.

Oh my God. They're gonna go crazy. Yeah, but so I get fucking clickbaited. And then sometimes the clickbait the clickbait Like I walk just to be fair. He was on Ellen. It was a fucking hilarious bit Jesse J. Ferguson Tyler hilarious Jesse Tyler Ferguson. It was a hilarious bit He was it was just a joke. He was just saying I'm gonna let him be whoever the fuck you We say what you should have said fucking clickbait people anyway

Then I read and I know you read this too the Papa John's And I yeah, I know you're not supposed to laugh out loud. Yeah, I was crying laughing at the headline title Of course, can you read the headline? Yeah, sure pop those you haven't heard it. It's pretty amazing Papa John Shatner who you know is Papa John from Papa John's Pizza, says he spent the past 20 months trying to learn how to not say the N word. That's the headline.

He's like, well, I started about not watching basketball. I've got to pass one more life. What's amazing about that is that you know that it is such a staple of his vocabulary. Like, is it really like it has to be? It has to be. Well, you know what's so funny is for you to be like, I am trying, man.

I'm fucking trying as hard as I can to stop doing this. That is, you know what it was? It's, can I tell you what I think happened? I think you went on to a right-wing podcast. Yeah. And felt comfortable. And wasn't thinking about what he was saying it's it's so insane It also makes you go well that means that's just like that's how that's his word for black you know like for black people

It can't be it can't be man. I don't believe that person imagine being in like corporate headquarters Right and you're like, you know, this is the CEO founder of a company and you're like hey, hey papa And he's like you know what this is the CEO founder of a company and you're like, hey, hey, Papa. And he's like, you know what I saw this morning? Driving in, I'm gonna come pull it off, I'll print, and there's three ends right there. And you're like, we're gonna do those garlic bread six to squirre.

Hey, uh, what the fuck, man? Papa, we were gonna tour the, we were gonna tour the warehouse, but, uh, it gets a little uncomfortable. You saying, hi to everyone. He's like, what are you talking about? I love the brothers down there. What's up, man?

What's up, man? Yeah, I mean, it's gotta be to the point where, and you know, like every once in a while, you'll hear someone say that, and there's like a, there's a shock, right? You'll be like, wow, like it's like you, but with him, you'd be shocked, but also like, this is my boss.

It's like my boss. Can I tell you, I really honestly, is my boss. Is that my boss? Can I tell you, I really honestly, is there a video too? Oh, the video I'm saying this, by the way, what can I tell you, he pauses a little too much after saying the N word, and he says something to the effect of here's a deal is we gotta stop this N word. And then he pauses and you're like, say the next word real quick.

Controversy, I mean. So wait, to make to give context to people, he was ousted as the CEO by the board because there's recordings of him. But no, but I, okay, I don't, saying it, let me say this. I don't know anything much about this. What I thought he said was, I thought he was doing it the way the guy and't saying it. Let me say this. I don't know anything much about this. What I thought he said was

I thought he was doing it the way the guy and Netflix did it like oh like the giving an example like giving an exam I thought that's because was he just saying the end word at work? Yeah, casually and like multiple times Oh, who left his pizza in the oven too long it looks Yeah, I mean that's fucking ridiculous. Yeah, that's why they were like, we're you're out. Okay, let me see this. Let me see this. We've had three goals for the last 20 months. Oh my God. Stop right there. Inward. Pete, get rid of this N word. Wait, those are your goals. I want to know the other two. Lose weight. We've had three goals for the last 20 months to give rid of this inward in my

Vocabulary and dictionary and everything else because it's just not true Figure out how they did this and get on with my life Wait, you got a search for the record like whatever the audio is of him saying the route the by the way the The pause there. Yeah, I got to get of this in, where? And then he goes, in my life, get it out everywhere. It's just, it sucks that it exists. It's so funny, maybe I did not, I wasn't paying attention when he got lit up.

I thought he was saying it as in, when he first said it, I thought it was an example of, hey guys, these are these words we can't say at work, type of thing. Yeah, no. Because he used it on a conference call and that's what it says there and he definitely um, there definitely is a recording of it. How do you think you're used on a conference call?

They're like, well, we're still waiting on Darnell to get on this conference call and he's like, here's the problem with, okay, does it say? No, I'm still looking for it. Of course you are. We'll get back to you in fucking June. Okay, so What's the best is it is It is It is mind blowing to me if he is

If he had a company and he was tossing around N words, like just daily. That is mind blowing to me. I really sincerely thought it was in a meeting where he was saying, and we can't use this word. I thought that's how it was. I didn't think it was. Yeah. What about what am I? I would get kicked out and so on TMZ would have it like if they You know that's all the the recent stuff. It's all buried right now by the way I'm so dyslexic I thought that said popper Jones founder doesn't want to be tied to an I can't read shit right and I'm like what the fuck He's one of his big Pop a gone That's calm He's one of his big Papagon

That's calm. I know Yeah, cuz I remember that when that happened they got rid of them and then they're like we need people to still like Papa John's So then they're like how about Shaq come on the board here Shaq was like all right So Shaq is like someone you don't say the M word to I don't think it slips out. Even if you're popping down, I bet he taught it tight as tongue then. I'm sure he did. Hello, Shaqille. Yeah. God damn.

Twitter is gross. That's crazy. Speaking of racism, let's might as well slip into. Oh, then Marko. Yeah, that was a few weeks ago, but that was, I finally watched it,

because I didn't watch it initially. I think it's actually kind of complicated. It's not as simple cut and dry. So, it starts off in the first few minutes I'm watching it, and I go, oh, she's insane. I thought within five minutes, I was like, she's a crazy person. Because there's a couple of questions that are asked that the way she answers, I'm like, huh? One of them is that Oprah goes, hey, so once you were engaged and you're coming up on this, did you have conversations about what it would be like

to be a royal? And she was like, nope, never came up. And you're like, why? That's what that's, those were the... Right, but seeing, if you start with that, you're like, oh, this is, you're crazy, or you're a liar, because what do you mean? You dated a prince and you're like, you never thought like, is it going to be different?

By the way, she was dating. When I marry into your family, just cybar. She was dating Pierce Morgan the night before. Pierce Morgan the night before. That's what the big thing I heard is that Pierce Morgan had gone out with her on a date the night before. Like gone out with her on date. I'm not shitting on Pierce Morgan.

Anyone who would ever consider going out on a date with a much older man is not attractive. I don't think they align politically. Yeah, he introduced her to the circle of people that ended up introducing her to Prince Harry. This is really complicated. But because the fact that she's lying about a lot of the stories. What do you mean about what?

About not knowing who he was? No, no. That shit feels like a bunch of lies. That not asking. And then she was like, I never Googled them. What? That's all I- That's so insane.

Did you ask how many people you had sex with before? That's a good question. Because I know. Why don't care about that stuff. Yeah, okay Like but I do believe I don't think she's making up the thing about like the family not willing to help And I think that's now but also it's like you kind of go when you're watching it I like this was my opinion. I'm not like I'm that well versed in the royal family But I'm watching I'm like what I'm like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this?

Well, what is the point of this? The crazy thing, the crazy thing to me was like, a couple of things. And look, I'm not, it really does get complicated. You're right, because I've watched a lot of the crown. And so I know just how backwards that family has to be, because the Lord himself appointed them as royals, the Lord.

It is a, so there's not a lot of reality connected in who they are. His grandmother, the Lord plucked her out and said, you will be queen. So already it's a little fucking crazy. The whole existence of that, especially in 2021, when you know, like the way that we view the world now, this like make believe, you know,

like appointment of them as like special, I think, and especially I think when you're Americans, you know, we don't have. But here's the thing is that, and I'm not to defend anyone or say anything bad about anyone, but Prince Harry didn't ask for this in his life. He was born into it.

And he is people that would definitely kidnap him and murder him. Yeah. And it's crazy if they were like, there's no security. If they pulled to the security and he's like, yo, I gotta make some money. I can't just fucking leave my family out here to dry. And you're doing this because she's black

That's a little fucked up. What's else so fucked up is he didn't know Like he didn't know his dad was racist was this his first day meeting his dad? Yeah, I know like you know if your dad's racist you know it like if your brother's racist you actually Like you don't I know that they were on a tour of You actually, like you don't think that they were on a tour of subsidiary in Africa once. And his brother was like, Jesus Christ, look at all these. You don't think that came out once? You definitely know, you know your friends dad's.

Yeah, you know your friends dad's in a racist. Dude, I did a Spanish podcast yesterday with this guy from Uduwai. He lives in New Jersey for a while. Can you say it the way it's supposed to be said? Uruguay. Yeah, the New Jersey for a while. Can you say it the way it's supposed to be said? Uruguay. The way the con, the way that we, when you conquered that place, the way you named it.

He's from Uruguay. And he told me he's like, we lived in this, like a kind of bad neighborhood in Jersey when he was a kid. His parents had like a pizza place or something and he goes, he goes, it was like, do the right thing. You know what I said, at Italians, we were Latin, like from Uruguay and he's like, my dad had to like,

like, you know, people would try to rob him, he'd beat him with like a broom and it was like a really rough, and it was like in the hood and I just go, how racist are your parents and he goes, yeah. That is, that's it. Cause you know, you know right? You know what I would say that you're like, like, yeah.

There is no questions to me That it like here's a deal when I brought home Leanne To my family. Yeah my grandma thought a problem with it. Why by the way, I'm doing exactly what they did on the fucking interview What like I'm put my grandma on blast. Oh, yeah, you are I'm alive. She's dead. are. She alive? She's dead. Okay, she's fine. Thank God. She would fucking be losing her shit right now.

She, wait, but your grandma had a problem with Leanne? She was Baptist. Oh, yeah. She was like, usually people that's the other way around, the Baptist has the problem with, yeah. Oh, Catholics are like fucking for real. That's what a snake-shaken Baptist, that's what you're gonna marry.

Yeah, yeah. And so my grandma had a problem with it. And in Carolina, by the way, sidebar, in the local newspaper, there was a car dealership that said, we do not sell cars to Catholics. For real? Yeah.

Printed in the paper. Like a little shitty, not like a prominent place, but like a little used car place was like no Catholics. Dude, I, um, yeah, I, he, I'm so crazy. I watched that. And I was like, don't put in my head. I was like, you put your grandma on blast and your brother and your dad, like, yeah, like you're really filming under the bus. I just did it. I just did it. My sister's called Leana Pitviper when they first met her. They didn't like her. Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, the end, Leanne was My sister's called Leanne a Pit Viper when they first met her. They didn't like her. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the end Leanne was just like, and Leanne was establishing boundaries in a crazy family. Leanne was establishing boundaries,

just like Megamarko. She was like, you know, here's the deal. We're not like, this isn't, this isn't cool. Me and your Mary, we have a family. We're starting a family together. Yeah. You got to pick one or the other. She wasn't like, as Adam his app But my dog my sisters were definitely moves that lay weren't dating anyone weren't married They were like come over every night. We'll grill out every night and then it's like I didn't marry your sisters Right, I married you like I want to I wanted to start a live with you Yeah, and I'm almost that's almost identical to what Mary and Mark was like by the way You don't understand I'm not by the way. don't understand, but the amount of commitment being a prince and a princesses, you don't have a life.

The thing is, you appreciate it more as an adult. You know when you're a kid, you're a little routine, whatever you're like, oh, a prince, that'd be great. Now that you're like a dad and working guy, you look at what they have to do, and you're like, fuck that, man. That's also the amount of scrutiny. Everything you ever do.

Scrutiny, you can't wear a Nazi costume to a Halloween party. That's fucking so fucked up. I know. Fucking poor kid. Now I gotta say, I side with your family on the whole thing when they, here's the thing, I'm not religious,

but like it's, if you're gonna go down a Christian route, you know, if you're Catholic, you're on Broadway, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. And if you're like evangelical or Baptist, you might as well just fucking jerk off on the street. You're a fucking, you're gutter trash. You're not a real Christian. You're, like, why are you doing this offshoot

psycho-babble bullshit? Like, either get on the fucking train and do it the right way, or get the fuck out of here. Dude, my grandmother didn't come to my wedding. Yeah, I love my grandmother. I love my grandmother. I, because of that. Yeah, didn't come to my wedding.

What's your wedding in a Catholic church? Uh-uh, in a Baptist church. Oh, yeah. Yeah, by the way, by the way. By the way, I gotta be honest with. Oh, yeah. I think that was the way friends with you too. I gotta be honest with you. It's, I watched that interview and I had feelings or I had views about it.

All same as everyone else. But one thing I was like, I was like, man, I thought about my grandma and my other grandma. And I was like, I would never throw my grandma the best. But I gotta be honest with you. I had conflicted emotions about it. But I remember at one point, my, I don't know, when my dad the bus, but I gotta be honest with you. I had conflicted emotions about it But I remember at one point My I don't are wedding my dad was like they were like you can need you got to pick you can either dance or drink

You can't do both what yeah at our wedding they wouldn't allow you to do both dance and drink You're being serious. I mean dead serious. You're the pick one you can either dance. I know what you picked Dance the night away. Yes, I think dance. You know why I was. I don't. You don't. Dance the night away? Dance? I think dance, you know why? I was like, dance. And then I'm gonna buy a fucking million beers and I want you to stop me from drinking and dancing. I was like, fucking get the DJ.

And then I'm also gonna get beers. They can go fuck themselves. But I remember when they said, dance or drink, I remember my dad being like, her grandma wasn't too far off. And I was like, because everyone was like, this is fucking, my friends were there, like my grandma wasn't too far off. And I was like, because everyone was like, this is fucking, my friends were there, like my friends are with the college

with, and they were like, we brought weed. Like, what are you talking about? Dancer drink. Where was the, Bowden Georgia? Wow. On our marriage license, this is, you know, it's,

my grandmother wasn't totally off on our marriage license. First question, name, second question, occupation. This is in Carrollton, Georgia. I'm certain, certain. I'm not certain it's the same one today, but I'm certain people filled out this exact same marriage license. Third question, are you blood relatives? Swear to you on my children's life.

Swear to you on my children's lives. I swear to God, and I do a joke a little bit about it now, but I go, I asked a lady, who, by the way, I'm with the high school with, I said, what do I put for number three? Lay looks at it, she goes, well, is ya? I said, I don't think we is.

She goes, I'm put down the chain. I said, I'm not writing any, because I think that means we is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fucking, isn't that crazy? Yes, yes. We, like my parents are super Catholic, and we got married in the Bahamas.

Yeah, so we entertained the idea. I was like, she goes, you know, you wanna get married on the beach? Like how awesome would that be? And I was like, oh, that sounds awesome. I told my parents, I was like, I think we're gonna do a beach ceremony. And it was just quiet.

I was like, hello? And they're like, what? I go get married on the, like, it's into Bahamas, a little beautiful. And they were just, you can just see, here I'm going to go like, I was like, what, and they're like, you need to get married in a church, okay? Okay. That's fucking. And, and, and it was like kind of something until I called them back. I was like, we're going to do the church. Oh, okay. That's fucking good. And it was like kind of something

until I called them back. I was like, oh, we're gonna do the trick. Oh, that's great. That's just great. How's it going? Here's the thing about cancel culture that everyone needs to realize is that we are a part, we, myself and you, are a part of it too.

You watch the Meghan Markle interview, you get these feelings, you go, why are you throwing your brother under, like I don't care about you throwing your dad under the bus, but your brother, like your brother, I always like this brother and Pippin or Katie, Katie, whatever, whatever the other lady is. His wife, she's a racist too. I want to, like, by the way, it must be so fun to be allegedly a racist. In London right now, like the bomb that that must have dropped socially.

Oh, and what's crazy is that you know they hate the fucking tabloids and the tabloids were like, thank you. We just made a ton of money so much. No, he made no and by the way, that was smart that he said we're making no money off this interview. We're not make we're not making any money. By the way, I can't tell you. Let's see. Which one are you gonna have? This one. This is a no, I can't tell you let's see which one you're gonna have this one. This is a no I have mango last time I've strawberry Dacry he doesn't want strawberry Dacry's I had that last time The I don't know what they're doing. I'm sure they're doing stuff about the environment or something. Yeah, you know Probably stuff about racism now Cheers

Cheers. Oh, fucking. Here's the thing though that is like, I love, I love, I love. The, when you watch the crown, they had really fucked up. They have rules because they uphold the church. They have rules about divorce, about like, I mean, I bet part of it was like,

they don't really really fall. and she's a divorcee dude who's her first husband I want to see that dude pull up his Instagram pull up Megan Markle's first husband guys got a fucking gun in his mouth every night when he goes to bed boy did I fuck up big tie Trevor Angleson what's he doing now type in Trevor Angleson? Just game on the podcast There he is. What's him? Tim, that's a good looking dude He's 44 looked a little older in my opinion wait, wait, so down so down so down so down. He is a production. He's in oh Fucking Hollywood. He's a producer my opinion way so down so down so down so down so down he is a production he's in oh fucking Hollywood

He's a producer They're married from 2011. I forgot she was an actress Yeah, he's doing it too. Wow, I bet that what do you think do you think they would have let Harry Mary a Jewish chick? No fucking way Probably not no, I bet they would have actually had I Bet they would I bet they would have actually had a problem with him marrying a Jewish chick. Really? I bet they would have had a legit fucking problem. What is the way the conversation was like about what she said the The conversation about how dark that you think that they're like just a quick question about something

Do you think he'll come out rather tan? So I'm I'm Boeing I'm Boeing presence for the baby. Blue baby. he'll come out rather tan? So I'm going I'm going presence for the baby. Baby Archie really excited. Sunscreen. Is that something we need to worry about? Do you think he'll be burning much or do you think he'll be more not have a natural bronze if you will? You think you have a natural bronze? So I'm watching the Michael Jordan documentary. He seems Doc. Quick question.

Hachi. The old mother was your brother, Doc. Kind of a milk chocolatey doc. So half black. Is that half and half or is it like one eighth? And you know, you know, what's her dad look like? Is her dad the one that ran her right? He's like, he's like, oh, the mom's black. Yeah. Oh, she had like her dad is her dad the one that ran right? He's like

He's like oh the mom's black. Yeah, oh shit the fuck up. I know real weird, right? I never saw that coming. Yeah, there's time. Okay, go to let's see. Oh her dad is a Yeah, my mom's fucking a Smoke show Dad not so much her dad looks like Gerald with bubble do Not so much her dad looks like Gerald with bubble do Or mom's tiny too like fucking five one You know that American mega-marco is big. I don't think so how tall is mega-marco?

Look at that Yeah, did you see did you see the pictures the memes that were coming up? Oh, that's them looking at the baby Yeah, we go back to the picture that I'm looking at the baby going. She's five six Okay, look at this little black bastard So So Harry Megan we brought in oh is that the mom that's her mom? Yes, it looks like a milk dad doesn't it This is ah Someone get my glasses

Get a glasses and some light turn the lights on I've been talking here right now Fucking poor Harry poor Harry. I've always liked Harry by the way not getting knighted from him anymore He's not even in the family and I have a feeling they would not like our show Choco Brickets in your lap? You know, Archie's gonna be hottest fucking shit. He's gonna be a good look. He's gonna be gorgeous. Yeah, yeah.

You got the two white ones. They suck. Yeah. Straight white. Straight white. Straight white. Fucking ugly. I got two white chicks.

Good luck getting rid of them. Fucking pub, but. And I got two little white boys. Good luck getting rid of them. fucking Pup but and I got to the white boys are she's gonna be fucking and why didn't they ever get Harry's teeth fixed Did you ever did you watch that interview? No, I was like his teeth are not perfect and you're the fucking prince Yeah, line them up, bro speaking of teeth and you have like 19 teeth fucking redone. Yeah, look at Harry's teeth It's like they are teeth. Yes, but like you can all right Like why not get them just a little bit better. Jesus jewel get your shit fucking face, right? Fucking Harry look at these teeth. You have great teeth and no braces

Whatever ever yeah, you have indigenous teeth indigenous teeth. Yeah It's from your mom's side to dominant gene. Okay. I've got settler teeth. Yeah, yeah, like we came to your country and couldn't bite into the sugar cane Yeah, so what we did was we just set up farms. Yeah And then and then created a way to break down the sugar so that we could process it and sell sugar and coffee But also you did it in a super fair and cool way to the native people. Well, it's not me, but it's my family Oh my god, that's so crazy. Yeah. Isn't that crazy that our relationship, if this was 200 years ago, would not be so much fair?

Yeah. You as a prooving and me as a white guy. Yeah. And that's crazy that is that we're partners now. Yeah, that's progress. And you're of German descent. So it's real, huh? Do you ever do you?

I would but I don't even Germans didn't settle anywhere did they? I don't I don't know. I don't think so. German Irish. I have got no settler in me. I've got subjugation all written all over me. Hmm. Could Irish German. Well Germans Germans Germans like legit took big rolls of the dice Yep legit took big rolls of the dice. Yep. Germany has that vibe. Big swings. Germany has that vibe of fuck you.

I'll fight everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never thought about that. I've been listening so much. You've been to Germany. I love Germany. Yeah, Germany's the shit. I fucking love Germany.

I fucking, I hadn't gone until what two years ago and man. It's actually not even two years. I'd never been to Berlin and holy shit. Dude, that's the best man. Beer gardens, in my opinion, are the fucking greatest place in the world to be. That energy, that fun, like, hey, oh, fuck me! Man, I'm telling you.

Yeah, I've been watching. Did you know, Hitler wasn't even German? Austrian, yeah. North-Earth, yeah. He wasn't even German. Yeah, not crazy. But I think he did enough work for them to be like, you're one of us now.

Stalin, but yeah, but how crazy is that? Like imagine going like, I guess that's our, it's like Barack Obama was important in this country and the he became president, right? That was Donald Trump said Yeah, he's been working for 20 months to stop saying it Just gotta get an out of my system. Yeah, just gotta get an out of my system. God damn it. When Papa John's trying to stop saying it. Oh, he's like, put on the game.

Oh, fuck, man, I keep saying. Yeah. I want to know his protocol. I want to know, there should, I would like to know his program, his regiment for stopping to say the N word. Like what he does on a daily basis, it's got to be some sort of meditation.

I don't want to say no words at the beginning and period. How about that? I'm done. He's got a little like a tip jar. I said not boop. That starts to end. I'm gonna say no in words at all. Here we go. God damn it. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that must have been a real real shaky first few weeks. What percentage? What percentage of people over the age of 40? Yeah, do you think have said the N word? That are just just people people over 40 people over the age of 40 English speaking people in America We got to say America because I'm sorry. In America, because that's the, that's an American word, I think.

What percentage of people over the age of 40? I don't know if this poll's been done yet. Ha ha ha ha. Let's find out. What type of percentage of people say they've said the N word? Because if you, if you stop me on the, like I remember Greg Fitzsimons was like,

have you ever said the N word? And I said, no. And he goes, why are you lying to me? And I went, I don't know, I just got scared. Yeah. And he goes, of course you've said it. Yeah, I was like, of course. He goes, there's a difference between using it and saying it.

Yeah. Like you've said it, of course people have said it. Using it's very different. Using the N word is more common than you think. Okay. Using the N word, using it's very different. Yeah. Racism, we would not cure it

as long as I'm in there being polite. Well, I'm not gonna finish that sentence. Okay, I don't know if they actually give a percentage in this article, that'd be so strange. You're like, no, we confirmed it. I went out with a date with a- It's 63%. I went out with a date with a costume person,

like person with a dead wardrobe. was she was new to Los Angeles. She was from the South and She was she was doing a puff daddy music video. This is back when Britney Spears and Fred Durst were dating She told me that because I think she ended up dating Fred Durst also and she we went to a sushi restaurant in Hollywood And she could not stop saying the N word and I there's actually percentages right there. Sorry. People know no people who call black people N word in 2006. It's not. It's not. It's not. 46% and black people said 67% have used N word in past five years according to a 2012 poll. White people 31% said they have 64% of black people said they have. I mean, but here's the thing, a poll like that,

never going to be accurate, man. You know, it's never, not even on, on either side. Like, no one's going to. I was, I had a friend, I know I've told you this, I won't say this friend's name because he knows what I'm talking about, but I had a friend who said he's never said the N word ever, ever, ever, ever. We're all sitting at dinner and he said I've never said the N word And we're like what and I actually believe them grew up in California The very liberal parents lawyer parents and like you know like and I actually kind of was like for real And he's like I have never said I said not don't like you've never sang it in a song He's like never I don't listen to that music and I went okay. You've never like like you've never like

Been saying a sentence and said and then and then you've never like, like you've never like, saying a sentence and said, and then you said the word, not using it, but said the word and you said, never. And I was like, okay, I believe it, you know, and then the next night we were at Pats, I was with Omar Dorsey, Tonbelle. Oh yeah, yeah, I remember you told me this story. And we're all drinking and he said it three times

in front of three black dudes. And he had prefaced. I had prefaced them saying we were talking about the other word and I say he said he's never said it. And they were like never said it. And I was like, I actually believe him and I defended him. He's like, I've never said it. I've never even said it. And we're drinking.

He's like, I've never said it. And he said it with an A. Then he said it with an E R. And they're saying like, and he said it with an A, then he said it with an E R, and they're saying, like, you just said it. And he went, no, I've never said it. The next, you examples. Yeah, the next night, I told the story to the same people we had been with the night before.

And I said, guess who said he's never said the M word? And he said, still have a clean record. And I went, you said it three times last night. And he went, no, I didn't. And I went, you definitely did. Is it a comedian? Yeah, and it's a clean record. And I went, you said it three times last night. And you went, no, I didn't. And I went, you definitely did. Is it a comedian? Yeah, it's a regular dude. And he sat there and he went, oh my God, I said it.

Oh my God, I said it. Oh my God, oh my God, I said it's a black people. Oh, what? Yeah, that's the worst way to say it. Like just say no. Yeah, yeah, I, that was the, but yeah, I, saying it, I yeah, I sang it. I don't know whatever are you are? Are you are you

I told I said that to I said to Trinidad James I did a podcast with him or did a live with him, huh? And I said live with him like we did a live with him. And I say live with him. Like we did a live on Instagram. You did. Oh, okay. And I said, you know, I gotta be honest with you. Shout out to dad.

Yeah. I have a, there's a video and I'm not singing the word, but some, some young kid saw me listening to all gold, everything in my car. My windows are down and I'm driving through Galston's and I, and Trent all gold, everything in my car. My windows are down and I'm driving through Galston's and I and Trent all gold everything. You can't play it here, but the N word runs a plenty in that song. I mean, I think that's the hook is just that word over and over and over again. And this kid videotape to me in my car listening to it. And I thought I got caught. So I was like, I'm listening to the and I was like, wait, that's crazy. And then I said that to Trent and James and I said, you know, how do you feel like when

you write a song like that? When you, you know, ultimately it's going to fall into the, it's great music. And then I get a hold of it, and I listen to it, and I sing. I sing the M word when I'm with myself. I definitely sing it. Like, I'm not going to not enjoy your music that you wrote. I love it. And he said, you know, I forget his answer exactly,

but he's like, I just hope that you do that responsibly and understand that that's not a green light to just say the word. But if you're in your car, I can't stop you and I just hope that you realize the, like you just try to be like, but the truth is, is like, I've been listening to hip-hop since I was a kid. When I, you know, I've been singing that word in music.

Yeah. My whole fucking life. Sure. And so it's just crazy when I hear people. I try to start my day with it, you know? Like, I- You went pop it down. I wake up and I call God the N word and I tell them.

I was like, fuck you God God, you fucking, I just said. And then I'm like, ah, I'm ready to start the day. It feels like meditation, you know. I had a joke earlier on. I was like, I was like, people say Jesus was black. Yeah. And I go, can you imagine how much of something, how much fun it would be that sit with cold beers outside the gates of heaven and watch racist white people

Roll up to heaven and see a black Jesus and be like hey man, can you go get gone for me? Was he like black black like Terry Cruz? Like Rick. I don't know. I mean, I guess I don't have pictures of him. There he is right there. It's Michael Jordan. All right. All right. Name, name three.

What? Name, okay. Name the black guy you want Jesus to look like. And then name the black guy that if Jesus looks like him, you won't stop laughing when you get to heaven. I mean, I want him to look like Morgan Freeman. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

If he looks like Donnell Rollins, I'm gonna fucking cry. I'll be like, no, no fucking way. And he's like, oh shit. Yeah, like, yeah, I would laugh so hard if he looked like ODB or something like that. And he was like, come in a lot of sins, bro. Yeah, Morgan Freeman would be a great Jesus. and he was like, you can't, come in a lot of sins, bro. Yeah, Morgan Freeman would be a great Jesus. What's the white guy that if Jesus looked like the white guy? That I mean, I think you want it to be like a paternal,

like you feel safe, you know, like with whoever. Wait, that's God, you want God to be like, yeah, big, big white beard. You want God to look like a, you're talking about pops. Yeah, Jeff Bridges, if God looks like Jeff Bridges. Sure. I'd be very happy.

Yeah, that'd be a cool... Kurt Russell. Mm-hmm. Kurt Russell would be cool. I would take that. William Hurt. Sure. I could like God to look like that.

Now, if he was black, I want him to look like... Who's the guy that was in... Who's the guy that does the all state commercials. Oh, I know you're talking about you and touch. Who's the guy that does the all state commercial. There he is. Yeah, that guy. There he is. Fucking soothing. Yeah, you're right. That would that's a really good call. That's a really good call. It's funny how your brain works. So James Joel Jones. Yeah. James Jones is a good great guy.

I'd be a great guy. What if he was Mexican George Lopez? Mm-hmm. No, I know what they. Hey, no. Stop crying. You're in heaven. He's too rascally.

You know, he'd be like, you think it's gonna hurt in here? I want to get to know George Lopez. You're gonna burn. I want to get drunk with George Lopez. Yeah? Oh, fuck yeah. I bet you could work that out. I bet I could. Yeah. I want to get you gonna burn I'm gonna get drunk with George Lopez. Yeah. Oh fuck yeah, but you could work that out I bet I could yeah, but I could hey wait Mexican God type in Mexican God Okay Who'd be out here oh? Oh

They really believe in God we're going pre JC on these They did some wild shit, man. Cut people's heads off. Dude, look down the stairs. When you talk about... When you talk about stuff that happened in history... Like in Uruguay? Uruguay.

Uruguay? Uruguay? It sounds like you got water in your mouth. Uruguay? It's how you say it. That's how you say it. Okay, pull up Latin American countries. I will say them, the way you're supposed to say them,

the way we settled them, and then you can say them the way the bullies. Bullies. Okay, same thing. Costa Rica. Costa Rica. Oh, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one.

Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got it, put a little spin on that one. Yeah, I got I'm sorry, it's not even close. El Salvador. El Salvador.

So you decide to do like a skip jump at the end of it. Yeah. El Salvador. Yeah. Guatemala. Guatemala. Guatemala. Yeah.

Like a, and you're gonna say that to my face. Yeah. Honduras. Honduras. Honduras. Honduras. That sounds like, it sounds like you are on a horse. Yeah. Honduras, Honduras. Honduras. Honduras. Honduras. That sounds like you're on a horse. Yeah.

Honduras. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Nicaragua. Panama.

Panama. Cuba. Cuba. That's the bad ass one. That one does sound cool. Cuba. I'm from Cuba. I'm from...

I'm from... I'm from... Am I... Cuba. Cuba. That's the bad ass one. That one does sound cool. Cuba. I'm from Cuba. I'm from, I'm from, am I getting in trouble for racism right now? No. I'm from Cuba. Yeah, you got it.

May I'm on a betto at Chrysler? You know. Soy cubano. Soy cubano. Soy cubano. You got it. Yeah, I'm halfway there. I was reading about Haiti.

H-H-E-T? Haiti? I-I-I-S-H-E-T. Yeah, I'm halfway there. I was reading about Haiti. Haiti. I said it. Haiti. Yeah. Yeah, how did you know that they said it that way? I don't know. I think just from hearing it before, Haiti. Speaking of French would be dope. Dude, the numbers.

The numbers. So there was like a big slave revolution. So it was like the numbers at one point were, dude, imagine Papa Johnson 80. Just being, he's like, I can't. He's just sweating. 20, 20 months in enough to prepare me for this shit. Oh, God, they're all, oh shit.

Oh, God. I gotta take, I'm falling off the wagon, everybody. I'm falling off the wagon everybody. I'm falling off the wagon. Uh, in Haiti, the number, the number of slaves versus white people was at one point, if I'm not mistaken, a hundred, eighty thousand to a hundred thousand slaves versus two thousand white people. You think you imagine the day when finally everybody was like, why are they fucking... Hey, you want to just like cut some people up, man?

And they just... Yeah. And then that must have happened, right? I think it did. And then they had basically two guys who were like kind of fighting over who was going to take over Haiti. Yeah, and by the way, did the slaves win in like 15 minutes? Or they're like, oh, this is so easy.

We just killed all of them. It had to be so quick. So fast. It was called the type of the Haiti Revolution, Haiti mask, or I think it was called the knife masker, or the knife, something. I'm not, my reading retention really sucks. Yeah.

Because what I start doing is writing jokes. Do you even love it? Yeah, did you read something or did you watch a show about this? I listened to it. You listened to it? Yeah. Because what I start doing is writing jokes. Do you get in the middle of it? Yeah. Did you read something or did you watch a show about this? I listened to it. You listened to it? Yeah. Yeah. This guy fucking Mike Duncan. What is it called? Self-liberated sword? The sword revolution or something? No, from that on the right side there. The is that word? The French colonization center de Mingl. That's a whole I don't know.

White ass. Okay. Anyway, dude, it was, there were three revolution, three, I think there was, it's crazy to, but I get so obsessed with the fact that, that we witnessed this in our lives. We witnessed an attempted coup. Like when those guys stormed the Capitol, they were trying to overthrow our country.

Yeah. And I don't think I saw it for what it was when it happened. The Haiti massacre. 1804 between three to five thousand people were killed, throughout Haiti, torturing and killing entire families. Oh, fuck. I thought it's one of the things they were like, they would either kill you or torture and kill you.

And I was like, would you rather be tortured and killed just so it lasts a little longer, right? No, you you would want to be I guess I mean if you're gonna die anyway mind as well Mind as well welcome death as opposed to you like don't do it don't do it don't do it I think you'd want to be over real quick No, no, I'm gonna go with I'm gonna go with torture then kill you would want you'd want to be tortured? Yeah, obviously Why wouldn't you want to be tortured first then killed? Because it would be extremely excruciatingly painful. Wouldn't you rather be like just do it man, get it over with? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. As opposed to

no, as opposed to going, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hey man, just slowly cut me open. I think I could talk my way out of it. Good torturing. How would you talk your way out of it? Charming. Just being charming. Just being charming, engaging, making the guys going, I don't know why we're doing this to him at all. He seems like a good guy. Yeah. I don't know.

I will listen to this, all this about this Haiti thing and they were talking about torturing people and killing them and I was like, I can't get past the absolute, because that was like 1700, the absolute injustice. Like, there's a little bit like that video we watched of just the idea that that guy, like I follow rules,

enough to know that I can't walk up behind someone and shoot them in the back of the head. But then there are people that do, that go, oh no, I got new rules. I saw this fucking, I saw this video on TikTok where this guy was like talking about a girl who got, who, this guy just pulled up behind her school bus. She got off and then he just thought,

I'm gonna go kill her parents and kidnapper and he killed her parents, kidnapped her, put her under his bed. Oh, I remember this. Forgot about her. Yeah. And then they asked him why he did it and he was like, I don't know. Who were more about supposed to put her under his bed. I remember this. Forgot about her. And then they asked him why he did it. And he was like, I don't know. Or were I supposed to put her?

Yeah. And you're like the absolute lawlessness of that. Just, and then, I don't know. I look at that, like they killed Maria and Twinnette. And she didn't, she's like, there's no way out of it. Like, you couldn't get out of it. You couldn't talk about it. That's fucking crazy to me.

Dude, I gotta say, if somebody wants to torture you and then kill you, they'd probably gotta do it. There's probably no charm that'll work. I don't know. I better go talk about it. And then you see me and me and my tortureer on Oprah. Yeah. And I'm like, you know, he started torturing me.

See these fingers? And she's like, what the fuck? And I'm like, I talked my way out of it. And he's like, I, you know, I feel bad that he doesn't have that hand anymore. I could definitely talk my way out of it. I'd be like, listen, by the way, am I talking my way into getting tortured?

Someone's right now, everyone, I'll torture you. I'd definitely, I like, I look forward to torturing people. I mean, let's pretend right now your arms and legs are tied, right? Okay. They're actually gonna be tied, like your arms can be tied above your head, but it'll be uncomfortable to protect, like, pretend. Dude, they hung Mussolini upside down. Yeah.

And I mean, they, oh, keep going. Imagine if you hung upside down, right, by your feet. Wait, wait, and your hands are tied behind your back, and I just, not me, a bad guy comes and just goes, like that, just cut your neck, and you just pour out, you just drain out. That's not so much torture, but it isn't a way. I grab it, I hold it real tight.

Your hands are tied behind your back. I would throw my hands over my head. I'd hold it real tight. And you're like, can you please get some medical attention over here? I wonder if I wonder if I could. Like I feel like I have the ability for superhuman strength in those moments. Like that I could, like if you put like zip ties on me, I feel like I could break them. Like duct tape, like I remember seeing this thing on on on some on CNN, you

know, CNN goes, I can't believe I survived or whatever. You know those shows? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this one survived. Yeah, I survived. And she was like, this guy tied me up with a with a cord. And I thought to myself, if I got tied up with a cord, I can't imagine someone would be that prepared to tie me up. You know what? Like you think it would be like kind of a half-ass job. Yeah, like if you like you ripped a cord out of the wall, right? Yeah. And then what if he I mean these guys are that's their whole life is like, you know, torturing and killing. They might be really good at time those nuts. I have hatchets on me all the time. I have hatchets. I have like five hatchets in my house.

And I've hatched everything. I survived that I watched. I used to watch that series a lot. And there was a lady who was kidnapped, raped, and then kept by this guy. And what she did, she was thinking kind of like you was like, instead of being like, oh my god, and freaking out in front of them, she would try to befriend him. And when he wanted sex again, which was like, instead of being like, oh my God, and like freaking out in front of them, she would try to befriend him. Yeah. And like when he wanted sex again,

which was rape, she would like be like, okay, like, and then she would ask him, like, oh, you know, whatever, like what are you gonna have for lunch in this and that? And he, after a couple days, would just kind of be more casual around the house. And then one day was like, I'm gonna run out. And she was like, okay, like played it real cool.

And then when he left, he didn't, he didn't leave her tied up. He felt like, oh, she understands the role. And then she's all the cops. Yeah, and let me tell you something, I've done that with friends. Like, which part? Like where, where this, now this is gonna sound disconnected reality, but like when I'm friends with someone and then they do me wrong,

and I feel like they've done me wrong. And I feel like, okay, this is now someone I can't trust anymore. I then have continued the relationship like that woman where you go, no, no, no, we're cool. We're good, we're real good, we're real good. Until the day I know I can run away, and then I run away and I burn it to the fucking ground. And I go, you are dead to me

You are fucking dead to me. This sounds like a therapy session Yeah, dude. It's it's caused me problems really. Yeah, it has because I I've been vindictive. I was thinking about this on the treadmill this morning There's and there's things I regret having done because I take it to a level where I let shit build up so much and I and I realized the person doesn't like me that they're using me or they're taking advantage of me. And I let it build up to a point where I just fucking spill over and then I protect myself in a fucking unhealthy way.

And I'm just thought about that today on the treadmill and I was like, I should probably stop doing that, like moving forward. It's like, I really respect people who can go up, someone can go, hey man, you hurt my feelings. Like, or something, you know what, like there were people that would go like, hey, you're breast smells. And then I would get offended.

I go, why are you telling me my breast smells? Go fuck yourself. Yeah. And then my buddy, Obi would always be like, no, I'm telling you that so you can go brush your teeth. Yeah. Like it smells. Like, I want you to meet girls also tonight. Yeah. And you should brush your teeth.

And I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. So it's interesting that like I would take things, I take things very personal. I know. Do you really know? Yes. Do you know that my sisters, my daughters and my wife

said if there was one thing they could change about me. They would be me not being so sensitive Isn't that crazy? No, because I I know you well enough where I I can see I've been around you with someone says something or even I've said something or I've been like up like Like tell he just took that personally. Yeah. Why do I do that? How come you don't? I do too, but I'm saying it's, you know, everybody has a different kind of Why do I take things so personally? That's so crazy.

I don't know. I don't know. Like, there was a, I'm child dance around this. There was someone who did something. I worked on a show and there's someone who did something that was a little shady, right? And it didn't really affect me that much. It didn't, but it that much. It didn't.

But it was shady. I didn't like the way they did it. Did you look like an adav? No, okay. No. And I, and what stinks is I really liked this guy. I really liked this guy.

And he did something that, you know, it's like fine. He just, he was doing some underhanded shit where he was videotape and everything and not telling anyone who's doing it. That's shady. As shady and it made me fucking, I grossed out by him. And then I got to the point where I hated him. By the way, I was told this.

Yeah. Within an hour, I hated him. And then the second hour, I was trying to think of ways to ruin him. Because I was like, I was like, you don't do that to people. Like you're a bad person. And then all of a sudden I was like, I stood up for you for everyone and I told everyone you were a good person

and then I found out you were videotaping everyone behind our backs. That's real shady, dude. Fucking really shady, right? And then I took a so personal and the end goes, yeah, but he didn't do it to you. I go, it doesn't matter. I now know who that is. You know, and then once you know who that person is, you can never forget that or forgive it. You just got to go, that's who you are, man. You're gross. And I didn't think you were

fucking gross. Right. And that's just, I mean, I have a version of that where I feel like in the last few months, especially, that I've met so many new people in my life, right? Like, between all the things I'm doing, like getting hurt, getting rehab, working on different projects because I have like, you know, like we're working on something and so you keep introducing new people. And part of me goes like, this is good, you know, like how come I don't welcome or engage more new people

in my life? It's great being, you know, meeting people that you click with or you're like this person's great, right? And and then like these little things will happen where I'll be like oh like you'll see Something will be like a red flag or something where you're like. I don't really like that and I mean It's you don't get to a picture you have to take that to meet great people who you go like this person's awesome but it does make you think all the time about what other people are capable of and how it can surprise you and disappoint you pretty quickly.

I mean, things come, I met people in the last few months I'm telling you who you're like, man, this is like an awesome person to meet, right? And then things happen like that who you're like, man, this is like an awesome person to meet, right? And then things happen like that where you're like, oh, you just showed me who you are. And I don't know, maybe that's why people at a certain time or place in their life go, like, I don't want to meet more people, you know? Like it's, there's a lot of disappointment. There's a lot of disappointment. There's a lot.

I did a video today, because you know we posted that video of me saying I weigh myself backwards. Yeah, yeah. And that's very exciting. You know, it's crazy. I have no problem sharing my eccentricities, like what made with the way my brain thinks. And I know it's not perfect. And I know sometimes it looks really crazy. I told you, I woke up with a piece of pizza in my pocket the other night. Like, I got hammered, I got high, and I put a piece of pizza in my pocket.

You're like your pant pocket? In my pajama pockets. In my pajama pockets. And I woke up with it in my pocket. I didn't know what it was. It thought it was a napkin. And I pulled it out, and I took a bite in the middle of the night, and then I just put on my pillow, and I went back to sleep. And Leanne, this is, I mean, and I am trying

to pull back my Instagram stories, because I'm like, I'm like, I'm really oversharing. I'm over-oversharing, to a point where I go, I don't want people to think I'm just a fucking psycho. Because I did fucking pass out with a piece of pizza in my pocket. And then you ate it. And then I ate it and I laughed. I laughed and you laughed.

It's funny. And then, then, then, then, there's those people who go, it's like the same person that I go, you don't understand me to be best friends, but you're so broken, you're just gonna attack me for that. So like today, I so many people, so many people who don't know me were like, what kind of fucking idiot weighs in backwards? Oh right. You can't see the skit, and I'm like, okay, you need to stop. Yeah. So I explained why I weigh in backwards today on my Instagram, on my Instagram stories. And I had to do it twice,

because Leanne didn't know I was weighing in backwards. Yeah. And she goes, and I was, dude, I said, hey, for you guys don't, and Leanne's in the bathroom taking a shit and I go, I don't, I go, hey, for those of you that I've been wondering why I weigh in backwards. And I stand on the scale, I go, I,

and I said, I don't wanna know what I weigh today because I don't depressed me, but I wanna know how fat I was a week from now when I'm skinny. So, and I showed it and because I'll depressed me, but I want to know how fat I was a week from now when I'm skinny So and I showed and Lee and goes what the fuck is wrong with you? And I went I wanted to punch her and go you are one of the bad people like to understand I'm showing you my vulnerability I'm showing my brains a little fucking different fucking what Would you way I don't know are you down? I don't know it's all my Instagram stories What's your way? I don't know.

Are you down? I don't know. I saw my Instagram stories. The way it is? Yeah. Pull up your app. You actually do look better. You look leaner than you did a week ago.

I mean, I've been my problem is I've gained so much muscle? I'll tell you, I weighed myself a number of times I had to do it. Yeah, get that right number. No, I don't think it registered, I didn't stand on it for too long. Oh, yes, I don't have a March 1st. Okay, March 1st is 243, so I guess I'm up. I have the actual weight on my thing. Hey, Nadav, can you pull up my stories? See if you can screen grab my weight.

Okay. But yeah, it's funny, man. Is that like, but here's the other thing. Don't you also go like, fuck, like ignore these? I don't sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes I don't. Okay.

So this is a great day. We can hear this, right? Yeah. You gotta hit the. 130. Wake's up, a fucking seven. Sometimes I don't. Okay. So this is a great, great day. We can hear this, right? Yeah. You gotta hit the... 130. Wakes up a fucking seven, six, four hours. This is why I said I'm like the rock. There's two movies.

Yeah. I can easily get up at 6.30 and get on the treadmill. Then go to two bears, one cave. Me and you. Or go my trainer. Yeah. That's it. And then if I know that I would treat

of some teramanoid to kill it at the end of the day. You mean Tramonok, isn't that right? Yeah, but I get my head out of it It rained last night. I got so excited when I found out rain last night. I love this. I love rain and thunder too I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I Go to the next one other than this fucking beautiful beast God's a fucking best dog. Good morning, good morning. Good morning. Okay, next one.

Hey, dude. And then six miles, three mile light jog, three mile sprint, interval sprints, top speed of 11, top heart rate of 178. Yep, and it's off to two bears, one cave. You can do anything when you know there's a treat at the end of the day waiting for you. Teramana tequila. So a lot of people are of the day waiting for you. Terra mana tequila.

So a lot of people are asking why I weigh in backwards. Here's the answer. My phone and my scalar connected. So I don't want to know how fat I am. I am screen grabbing. Screen grabbing. But next thing you want, I'm skinny. I definitely want to know how fat I was.

Okay, I see what you're doing. Oh, you got two bears one. Okay, I like this one. So a lot of people are asking why I weigh in. Don't watch that one. Okay, see if you can screen grab. Oh, you got two bears one. Okay, I like this one. So a lot of people are asking why I weigh in. Don't watch that one. Okay, see if you can screen grab, see if you can screen grab. Okay, and see, yeah, see if you can screen grab in this. It's hard to see.

Zoom in. So press control, alt, four, do a little screen grab, and then pull it in tight. You stretch it out, yeah. Okay, and then see that little box, yeah. Okay, and then zoom it in tight stretch it out. Yeah Okay, let's see a little box. Yeah Okay, then zoom it in and go to your desktop. He's got it now. He's got it the The next one was me going I'm at two bears one cave Tom's always late

Okay, zoom it in let's see what the big boy ways today. Let's go here. You can do that little sit little the microscope the little there we go right nope nope nope and there's a there's a yeah but that's we're not gonna see it. Let's see if I can do it on my fucking pizzone. Pizzone. Yeah, I'm trying to be more cool For zone. That sounds like something Papa J says I'm cool again guys. I'm on my fizz zone Let's see 255 what's this looks like to you. Can you see that? Yeah, I don't know it's probably 240 5.45, 2.40, something like that. I'm not, I feel like I'm not losing.

I've run last now that I'm lifting weights, because I'm just like, I'm exhausted at the end of the day. Yeah. And I really enjoy cocktails after lifting weights. I think my meatheadedness is really coming out. Like I can't get past that thought we had last time we were talking about when you lift, like if I do laughs, I am all but fucking putting on a fraternity shirt, cutting the sleeves off and

chugging a beer. Like I'm, I'm literally getting to this meat headedness where I'm like cold beer scar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah, just pushing the anaround. I was, I was thinking so like when we talk about progress, right? Yeah. Went, like, right now everyone's going, right now, I, okay. That be women's month. Save, save.

Let's, how much more time are we gonna do, Nidav? About 10 more minutes. I don't wanna waste good topics on this subject. Okay. Cause I don't wanna, unless it goes long, right? Yeah. And so I don't want to, maybe I'll save it for the next episode.

Okay. But my point is, like, the moments of progress when people, like, Let's put some progress moments down. Since you're already touched on it, we can save that. Okay. But do you really feel like you're turning into the rock? Yeah More know why

Yes, here's one cheat meal a week. Oh, I do more than that. So you're even You should have seen me fucking up food in San Diego with my girls. Oh really? We sent Isla in to get snacks for the hotel room. Yeah. She got a Hoosie Watsit. Have you ever had a Hoosie Watsit? No, did you post a Hoosie Watsit, like a watchman call it with peanut butter in it.

It is so fucking good. Who's he watsit? Who's he watsit? She got Pepsi's, because Isla is on a Pepsi kick. She what's it? She got Pepsi's because I was on a Pepsi kick. Cheers. Dude, can I tell you I brought out a Pepsi just to try it because I was been drinking Pepsi's. It's like, Dad, there's so much better. What's the nutritional data but like for a who's he what's it? It's W-H-O-Z-E. It's right there. Yeah, I know. Who's he what's it? I had cheese puffs, I had coal beers, I had, I was going, I had pizza like crazy.

I ordered, kept eating bagels, I haven't had bagels in forever. Do the image, hit like all results. One of the best things I've ever had is a salt bagel. A salt bagel with butter, a salt bagel, just covered in salt. I had so many salt bagels, I had to push back my doctor's appointment. So I was like, I'm not going in this month, salt this weekend. And then when they get my blood pressure taken on month, that's not fair. I tell you, I had the second time in a month that they went to a draw blood on me.

And they couldn't get it out of your arm? Why? Because you're at the heart rate? It was morning, so you know, you can dehydrate overnight, but I probably didn't drink enough the night before anyway. Jesus. And she was like, there's nothing coming out of you. And I go, okay.

And you're like, let me push. And she goes, I drink a lot of water and she goes, no, you don't. And I go, no, I do. And she was like, what do you mean? I go, like, I walk around with this half-gallon jug all day and she goes, do you walk around with it or do you drink out of it? I was like, God damn. For real? Super sass. Yeah. Yeah. All right. so is a Hoosie what's it? How long will it take to turn off 380? Yeah, actually I do that all the time. Is that the caloric intake of it? Yep, 390. It's worth it.

It's worth it. That's not bad. Here's the deal. 33 grams of sugar, that's what you want. The rock. The rock. I'm bicycling, it takes longer. That's what you wouldn't think that's

but I better already join so. I'm bicycling. It takes longer. I say you wouldn't think that's by better than you join. So I'm laying away. By the way, it's that estimated as values estimated based on a person weighing 140 pounds. Oh, so it's less for me. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. If you weigh 240, it's going to take 15 minutes to burn it off. Yeah. By the way, running at a six, running at a six miles per hour for 38 minutes, you run in four miles, that's fucking nice. That's tight. That's tight. So I'm watching the rock this morning.

I'm on Instagram. And I'm just like, I'm like, I'm watching them, and I'm like, you know. You would do rock face when you do a story, and you're like, guys, here's the thing. His lips are gorgeous. He's like, I'm in my anchor right now and it just depend like you got to find what works for you. He has beautiful lips. Pull up his,

pull up his one of his stories or something. Pull up one of his videos. He has an amazing features. But here's why I am more like the raw. The motherfucker only has 220 million followers. That's it. Look at it. Look at it. He's doing it, right there. All right, guys. He goes a little wrestling promo in this one,

where he's like, I wanna just inspire, believe and treat. Yeah. Everyone's doing Tehranana tequila. That's why I was like, I gotta get a Tehranana tequila. Tremana. Same, same, same, same. Look at this, go to the, it's like day. Go to the one on the far on the far right leg days like dead. This is one of the worst days of the week for him Oh, yeah

Yeah, he's a man. He's so fucking it's break turn it up. I want to hear him Look at his fucking legs behind me Because it allows me to do individual legs at the same time So alternating legs will do that Almost like a like a like a ladder routine. Yeah, do that all the time. We'll get into lunges, walking lunges with chains. I use the two chains over there,

which equates to almost a hundred pounds using around my faddle neck. And then we'll move over into, we even laughed at the same time. Wait, hip-p over into. We even laughed at the same time. Wait, hit pause. Me and Rock laughed at the same time. We're so similar. Here's why we're similar, right?

Here's why we're like, I have to hold myself back from doing videos like this. Because I know no one wants to see it out of me. But every time I work out, I want to do, please start doing these. I'm gonna do these today. I'm gonna do this today. I'm gonna do this exact video. I wish I had a respect shirt

I wish I had a respect shirt because I literally Tom every time I work out I want to do exactly this video. It's so who I am It is who you are it's totally who you are and I go and like and especially like really talk about it like you're yeah today today Today all right guys. Here's what we're gonna do and isn there like a, isn't there a second picture in this feed? Like the post work, yeah. I'll do that. Done, done. I'm doing that today.

Look at his legs. Look how vascular. Oh, he's like, it lean. Like it's good. Oh, I didn't know he's best of Lex. He's got, but that's gotta be the end of the work out. 4% body fat, yeah. His body is fucking ridiculous.

Yeah. I heard he's not that fast. I bet I could beat him in a foot race. Oh, fast. I bet I could beat him in a foot race. Oh, yeah. I bet I could beat him in a foot race. I bet I could. I bet I could beat the rock in a foot race. Let's see.

Okay, ready? 10 things I could beat the rock in. Okay. Foot race, easy. Easy. Easy. Okay. Type in the rock running.

I bet it looks like they're not as original body parts. Really? I bet. Type in the rock running. Okay. I not as a regional body parts really I bet type in the rock running okay I could beat him in a mile. I could beat him in I could beat him on any foot race. I think a hundred percent Not the rock running for president rock Isn't running for yeah, that's the only thing that's coming up in the Google sir yet I didn't put very many running videos in there does he so you got that I Could beat the rock and running.

Oh, rock. Both been sprinting without cinematic enhancement. Okay, that'll probably be it right there. 20 second video. These two running out of your shell. Those two faster and furious. Yeah, so they've been these, oh, yeah, so they, what they did like a probably like here's we're gonna see someone run here. It's just can be been diesel running Okay, he's walking he's walking

He realizes it's super furious. I got a run I think I got a run. Oh, that was. Okay. Let's just put Vin Diesel in that list of people I can beat in a foot race. Is the one is, okay, is there one of the rock, too? It's gotta be. Yeah, he's gonna run there.

Oh, this is like old school, though. In like his, what do you have? He's Joe Rogan here. His WWE days. Let's see, it's gotta be, it got to be better than that. That was terrible. The rock is too big to run, man. You think so? Yeah, I don't think nothing better than Steven Seagull running. You've seen those? No, but let me finish watching this. Okay. Okay. All right, so he's here he goes. He turned into who he turned into.

Hey, we've been practicing this all week. We're real excited to show you guys this made-up show. Is that the rock? No. That's... You get to the rock running. That's okay. Keep going. It's kind of... It's gonna be someone coming from a thing. Oh, here we go. Here's the rock running. He's gonna run in. That's... Is that him? That's actually really quick. That's... Okay,'m definitely can't beat the rock in a foot race That's that's that was him he just no that was somebody else. No, this is the rock

No the rock just the rock the one that ran in with the shirt. Yeah, really? Mm-hmm rock just ran into he ran into He hauled ass in there. He hauled ass and got in the ring so fucking quick go to YouTube and Type in Steven Segal running I'm serious you got you'd never seen this I've never seen Steven Segal's Sprint is running running. Yeah Look at this. There's a yeah, there's running compilations of him. Go ahead, yeah, just mute it.

You just gotta see this. The rock. What the fuck? What the fuck kind of running is that? That's why it exists. Yeah, a lot of people are wondering what the fuck's going on. What the fuck? Dude, Dave Williamson running

is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Weird form. He has, him and Jesus. Jesus can't run either. Really? Jesus, Jesus runs. Look at this. What is he doing with his hands?

Yeah, I don't know. Dude, I gotta show you Dave Williamson running now. Hold on. Fucking tech talk. Let's see if I can find prison, prison. It's like, yeah. Okay.

What about Kalan Winslow? Good guy. Hey, let's wrap this up. And we'll give it to that next time. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Love you. I love you.

Bert, Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top to swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call Two bears one cave No scripts of betta booze amateur Pertology

Dirty jokes, ronchi humor No apologies Here's what we call Two bears one cave