2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 75 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to save $225 on your order - Go to https://Watchgang.com/BEARS and use code BEARS for 20% off your first purchase - Go to https://TommyJohn.com/BEARS to get 15% off your first order. - Head to https://Policygenius.com right now to get started. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right. - Go to https://www.shipstation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in CAVE for a 60-day free trial. - Get 15% off your order at https://BuyRaycon.com/bears - Go to https://Whoop.com and use code "Bears” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Go to https://BlueChew.com and get your first month FREE when you use our promo code BEARS at checkout, just pay $5 shipping. In today's show, Bert breaks out his Gucci handbag to reveal all of his favorite "sleepy time/wakey time" treats. After that, Bert shares his tips on how to properly deal with your first DUI as they watch arrest videos of Johnny Damon and Reese Witherspoon. Next, Tom and Bert reminisce about when a couple sex scenes they acted in got a little out of control. Lastly, they talk about the recent waves of "Cancel Culture" and how Bert has no problem having fun with gay guys.

This is how it goes Tommy right yeah if at any point my cameras up you already lost yeah, yeah, you gotta have you what's this alpha hoodie what It's a treat Hold on let me finish my God dammit that I'm like a goddamn barracuda That was great my mouth started watering everything I was like what what the f***? 100% I'm a f***ing shoe.

I'm a f***ing shoe. Hey man, I gotta tell you, you look sharp. I was just about to compliment you on your track suit. It feels pretty good. It's really nice. Don't you like it? Pins stripes are the way to go, bro. Slimming.

It's very slimming. How do you feel about a pinstripe suit? You like like would you wear a suit that's pinstriped? I don't know if I'd ever wear a suit period. I mean Oh, I wonder what I wear at my trial funeral trial funeral Court not going to court you charge with whoa we should do some fucking suits Tom. I know look at that Look at that. Look at that black one, right? Yeah.

See if the sewing brothers do suits. I would like a couple of suits. Oh, shout out to the sewing brothers. Shout out to the sewing brothers. They sent us a bunch of tracks. By the way, we're not sponsored by the sewing brothers. They just sent us a bunch of tracksuits. Yeah.

It started because you texted me and said, check out this tracksuit I just bought. Mm-hmm. And I said, oh my God, I saw that the other day and was thinking about buying one and you're like, we should buy them together. So we bought two track suits and then we never warm it at the same time.

Yeah. And then I... Accidem. This is their stuff, right? Yeah, this is them. This is them, really. Wait, is there suits here? Are there suits? I think so, they've got English.

I got them, they do not speak great English, I don't think. Wait, go back up though. Shut up, they have matching masks for their suits. Do they have winter jacket men? Some of these are expensive too. Are they? Yeah, like a thousand bucks. What?

Yeah, or maybe pounds. That's 189 bucks. One of the ones I saw was really nice. Is this their actual site though? This is Etsy. It's on Etsy but it's their account. It looks like. Soaring brothers have a site.

It's on their Instagram page. We bought their tracksuits and then I put on one of their tracksuits right after we had done the Super Bowl show. And I accidentally took $10,000 worth of fake one, one the hundreds and I went around splashing fake hundreds around in a sewing Brother's suit. Yeah, like a gangster and then they hit me up and they're like that's a funny video. Okay, hit shop there. So glad you like our suits That was our first original one, right? Yeah, let's go to oh, okay They are legit. They're in whose back aistan. That's where they are? Yeah. But the ship, I thought the ship didn't come in front,

hit men yet. Didn't it come from the Ukraine? No, is it not, maybe the Ukraine. Am I mixing them up? Is Uzbekistan in the Ukraine? No. It's definitely not. Well, hang on. Uzbekistan?

Yeah, it's real close to the U. I think it's all in the Ukraine. The cranes more like when you go to Midwest. No, when you say I'm from the Midwest that means you crane like they all say pop and soda right right. I'll type in yeah. Okay, they just I'm I texted them and I was like hey. Hands were rocking right there. Yeah.

Pins stripes. Fustripes. I dig it. I really dig were rocking right there. Yeah. Pins stripes. Fustrized, Davey. I dig it. I really dig it. I love these suits. I love, I tell you what I like. I'm really into having something fun to wear. Yes.

You know, I used to have a bit about the straight guys got the shackles of heterosexuality, which were just jeans and a t-shirt. That was all we were allowed to wear. jeans t-shirt. Maybe you could spice were allowed to wear, jeans t-shirt. Maybe you could spice it up with some sneakers. Yeah, yeah, things are evolving though, right? Yeah, and now you can just fucking...

You do the thing, because I do this sometimes, where I get, let's say, awesome pair of sneakers, or awesome jacket, and then you're gonna go just leave the house and you look at it and you're like, well, I can't wear that, because that's awesome, but special, we gotta save it for like, and then all of a sudden, you've had it like six months, you're like, well, I can't wear that, because that's awesome. It's special. We gotta save it for like, and then all of a sudden, you've had it like six months,

you're like, but those are my specials. And you're not wearing it. Yeah, oh yeah. That's so funny. If there are shoes I won't wear, I bought three pairs of special Adidas. I really got into Adidas lately. Yeah.

And I won't wear them, cause I don't wanna get them dirty, cause I wanna wear them on stage. I don't go on stage, I haven't been on stage any years. So I've had these three shoes, three year old. I'm never fucking worn them. I respect the shit I show shoes though. I travel with show shoes.

I have show shoes, I have show shoes that I have to have a bag. Yeah, that's when you take it seriously, man. I love good show shoes. Yeah, oh, I'm just doing stand up right now. I miss, I want to be on tour, I want to be on a tour bus. I want to be fucking hungover, eating edibles at night. Oh, I missed that. You know what I used to do?

I used to take CBD gummies, and the ones that are jandin' with the melatonin and all that shit. And then I take these mint, these mint flavored edibles and I crush them up, and I'd sprinkle them over the gummies and I wouldn't tell anybody. Yeah.

And then we'd all eat marijuana. And no one knew. But it wasn't a lot of marijuana. You know what I've been doing lately? I've been eating edibles at night and I go, I eat them like around eight and I go, oh, and this way I'll wanna go to bed in like a couple of two and a half hours, you know?

And which is a great time for me to go to sleep, like 10, 30 or something. And then I'll get fucked up and then around 10, 30. Like when I could be like, just close, I'd go to bed. I'll start to come out of it. I'm like, I'll start to like sober up. No. And then I'll be like, oh, I gotta go in again.

So then I eat more. And then, then I fall asleep and I'm like, oh, this feels like I fall asleep. But then I'll wake up to like pee at like 2.30 in the morning and I'm like, I'm fucking all sober now, this sucks. Wait, wait, wait, wait, okay, let's walk this through because I am dying to, I have, I have, oh, can someone go to my car and get my addables? I think it's hailing right now. I just got these addibles for sleepy time. Oh great. I want you to take a look at them and approve them.

Okay. Hey, maybe I should sample them. Nidav, can we get someone out there to grab my, my Fanny Pack out of my car? My keys are in the thing. I just got naked in that room. It's in my Fanny Pack, my Fanny Pack's in the back seat. I wonder if I, did I take a photo? I have, oh, I didn't take a picture of you. I found photos of you

from 2008, July 2008. Naked. Naked. Fucking post those. Do I look good? You do. Yeah, post them. Tomorrow. Yeah, sure post them, man. I could use the heat. Oh these are gonna get but you know the here's a thing you can't get you can't get I don't want you to get in trouble for Revenge pointing me. Oh really? Okay, well there's one. I'm so good on progress. There's one you're doing a tuck I feel like that one could probably get flagged. Why that's the one I definitely want posted when you're tucking it? Yeah Because I know we can see my dick. How does my dick look in these pictures? You can't see them in either picture.

Oh, post them right away. One of them you're squatting. Nintob, that was so fucking quick. Did you break a window with a rock? Nope. How did you get in and out so quick? All right, so here are, by the way, I just got outed for being very fly.

You know what, I saw this. You heard of a little brand called Gucci? I saw someone wearing one of these and I couldn't remember quite who it was. I thought, I wouldn't mind one of those myself. And then I'm in Vegas, right? About to do two-sword shows, think to myself, I'm gonna give myself a treat.

Stop by the Gucci store and I buy one of these, and I fucking love it. I keep all my goodies in there. And then one day I'm wearing it, and the person who I saw who originally had one had it on, and I went, ah, fuck. And what'd they say to you? This is meant for women.

It was your wife. Yeah, I know. She had it on and I went I bought a woman's yeah She'd tell me she goes birth bought the fucking fanny pack that I wear I was like it looked so good on you And I wanted one but I forgot I didn't think oh, yeah, that's the woman's one it took me until 2019 Before I finally was like all right. I'll try one and I fucking loved it I word on a flight I was like oh this is the best hey this is a new segment on two bears one cave. What's in your bag here we go Wow, yep, it's just drugs It is all I think it broke a blunt case. Jesus. I see some glass. Yeah.

Yep. Oh, smell that. Where'd you get this? Oh, Jesus. Yeah. That looks like some real thanky shit right there, my man. What the fuck? Jesus. You smoke these regular? I have rocks in there. Oh, no wonder I put rocks in there. I collected these rocks. Give me one of these. What about that one? Where do you get these at your store?

I don't know. What are these? Here are my enables. I really have brought. Why is this wrapped like this? I don't know. Caminos, these are Caminos. Have you ever had these?

Yes. These are the sleeves. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see. Now let me see the case. Here. So these are, so I, so here's my deal. When it comes to draw, can we put drugs on this show?

Yeah. Little late to ask, huh? These should be fine. These have, these are like a CBD one though, right? It's like infused, but it's CBD. So it looks like, right? Yeah, it's got some CBD in there because it's good for answering.

These are mild, these are super mild, man. Really? Okay, so these, I can take one of these. Oh, you're gonna need more than one. Really? Yes. How mild are these? Five.

Five. What's five one mean? It's the ratio of a THD to CBD. So here's my, let me explain how I work. Okay. So these are my little go-to, by the way. So these are my party go-to's. Okay.

Do you smoke one of these entirely? No, no, no, no, no. So these are my party go-to's, right? So go to someone's house, they're having a party, I, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, show I always pour double t-dose and soda. I always do. I have a big one. By never touch it. And then I end up pouring it out. And then I felt bad about it. And I said, stop feeling bad about it. You get t-dose for free. Don't fucking worry about it. Okay. Right. So then I started doing that with these. These are fucking awesome. These are low smokes. And it comes in this little pack, right? Yeah. And they're this big. They're kind of bigger. Yeah. And then they got little matches right here. Oh, perfect. So it's all like self contained. Yeah. And then they got little matches right here. Oh, perfect.

So it's all like self-contained. And it sits like this, it's super easy. Is this like a nightly thing you do? Not nightly, not, well not nightly, but not nightly. And so, but this is like, so say like, say like you and Christina and bite us over, right? I go up to your top. I'm gonna take one of these, I'm gonna light it,

and I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm gonna probably take like five hits, right? I'll take a hit, for two hits real quick. I'll wait to feel it, and then I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm gonna probably take like five hits, right? I'll take a hit, for two hits real quick, I'll wait to feel it, and then I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm gonna puff it a little bit. I'm gonna take another hit. I'm gonna take another hit, and then I'm gonna take one last hit because I go, you never know what's gonna happen later, right?

Yeah, yeah. And then that's these. These are mini-grass, and these, I gotta be honest with you, I'm obsessed with these because these are great when you're at home. I didn't realize you were such a by yourself. You're so in the al-tiny they are. Yeah, and those are awesome because-

Wait, how much we do smoke? Not a lot because like these, so like last night. Last night I knew I wanted to, I knew that I had a busy day today, right? I wanted to have a drink, Lian goes, you want to have a signature cocktail? That's her buzz word. When she says signature cocktail,

my dick gets hard. Like, dick gets hard. Because it means, she's got this little fucking, hey, what's the name of my, you don't know? We have this cocktail thing. I love it. You were asking them.

What's the name of the thing I had in that home? It's a, we have this little cocktail thing. I didn't realize you had this, okay. I'm gonna do it. It's um, I wish I could, I wish I didn't realize you had this, okay. It's, I wish I could remember the name of it, but what it does, it's like a, it's a curig, type thing, but you put a little cocktail in and it's all the booze is on the side and you hit it

and it makes you one cocktail. You can do a double or a single, but it makes you like a signature cocktail. And it's fucking awesome. Now, when Leance says signature cocktail, I get excited. So last night she goes signature cocktail, I go, yeah, she goes, what do you want?

That says surprise me, right? But that means she's gonna have one. The reason Leanne doesn't have one, that's it. The partige. It's always. The partige. It's fucking awesome. It's always better when the wife goes,

you wanna get down with a vice real quick, right? And you're like, finally, finally, finally. Fuck. Finally, I like you. Finally, I'm not doing this by myself. Yeah. Sitting through little women or whatever the fuck movie you wanna watch, but I can't complain, because I'm drunk. She says, last night, you wanna see the troctail?

And I go, fuck you. Now, here's the other thing, right? Here's the other thing. Yeah. This blunt right there, that's a treat. That's a real treat. This one? That's when you say to yourself,

we're gonna have ourselves a night. Yeah, it's really nice. It hits really nice, doesn't it? What's it called? What's the, that one is... Shhh. Oh, I'll have it. I'll have it.

Okay. El Blunto. Really? El Blunto. Really? El Blunto. So that one's really nice, bro. Be careful because you do a broken glass. I do a broken glass everywhere.

Yeah. And I think it's in my drugs now. It probably is. I think this is what happened to Arty's nose. Is that bad? No. I think that's real. Um, and so...

You also have a toothpick thing there too. I need that. I mean, we're still having teeth problems. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I chewed too much on this side. I need my teeth to take a break. I wish I could give my teeth a month off. Like where they could just relax, not you anything. Oh, yeah. You really do have rocks. Oh, yeah. I have rocks in there. So wait, hold on. So Leanne says last night, Leanne says, um, hey, let's have a signature cocktail. I get so fucking excited. I go and then I go, I'll make dinner, right? So I make dinner and pull out these.

What'd you make? I miss your dinners. I made spaghetti meatballs in the cooking. Cook me a fucking dinner. Oh, let's do that before I leave. I would love to. We should go over to your house. Oh, we could bring all these to your house.

Yeah. Oh, let's do that. I want my kids babysit. Anyway, so we're down one on each of these. I've smoked one out of each of these. These also come with matches, but the matches are gone. So, LES has, let's have a signature cocktail. We have a signature cocktail and I feel perfect, right?

Yeah. We have dinner. We open a bottle of wine. We have dinner. And I know I can't open another bottle of wine. Like, I, that, that's all I'm allowed to have. Is a signature cocktail and a bottle of wine. And we're going to each have a glass, but I'm going to drink the rest of it. I do want a little

Over the edge. Yeah, and that's where these little bad boys come in now. These ones are fast times so This is you light this and I swear to God you can smoke every inch of this and it's not too much Yeah, it's just like and it's not too much. Yeah. It's just like, and it's just like, it's just like a one-hitter. How strong are these? Those are pretty aggressive. Yeah.

So when those, you got to really take your time with it. You got to be ready for an evening. Like you got to, you got to watch Snoop Dogg smoke a blunt and he takes his time with it. He's not, he's not trying to get fucking wasted. He's trying to enjoy himself. Yeah. It's like with a bottle of wine. You take your time with it.

You don't drink, not the way I drink it, but like if you're watching Sebastian do it, he takes his time with it. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I'm gonna enjoy it. And me, I'm like guzzle guzzle guzzle. Yes. So if I take, I've seen you, I've seen you drink wine

like it's gatorade. Like you fucking full of that. I've really come as down. I pull out, I like, here's, boom. I really come down. I pull out, I like, here's a deal. I'm not just there to stain my teeth, okay? Okay. I'm there for the buzz. Yeah, yeah.

I like the buzz. And that's where I gotta pace myself. Queue, crack the new one. Oh. I'm gonna hang out, hang on my to know. I wanna do one on Mojito too. Yeah. By the way, I'm certain Bud out, mango, my turn. No, I wanna do watermelon. Boido too. Yeah. By the way, I'm right, I'm certain bud light selters,

like hey, can we remove all the drugs off the table? Nope. Thank you guys for your sponsorship. Thank you. See, I paste myself. That was great. Yeah, and so this has been my arrangement, but these, so let me tell you what happened.

So we go, a couple of weeks ago, we went to San Diego, right? I saw one of mine having sleepy time. It became what we would call problematic because sleepy time. So I've been smoking these waky times. A lot, and the waky times are fun. They're giggly. You're thinking off the box. You're going, you're thinking, thinking of cool ideas, you know? Yeah. Brilliant fucking things. Like, I need to reinvent the fork, you know? Right.

But what about Sleepy times? What does that do? Sleepy times. There's only one time I can remember that I felt like this before. And that was when I went to that basketball game with you And you became your vape pen and I go and then I was fucking out of it And I was like what weed is this you're like, I don't know Is this an indica you're like maybe And so I say to the girls by the way the my girls don't entirely know this so if you're watching this and your dad's dead Remember I love you.

I never know what year they're gonna watch this. Oh, okay, I'm not this weekend. So. Girls, if you're watching this, I'm dead now. So. Oh, man, just give me this file, I put it on my phone. I gotta play you something. And that is, so, I love you.

So, I smoked the quiet times, it's called quiet times, Miss Grass Quiet Times. By the way, this wouldn't be a great sponsor. It's a little tiny, these little smokes being a great sponsor too. I wouldn't mind some sponsorship off that blunt so So I smoke Quiet times and I it does not make me quiet it makes me

Super high and I'm like and you know when you get high and all the sudden you're like, oh, I'm fucking high Yeah, and a little bit of panic hits you in yes, and then you all the sudden start realizing all your shortcomings And you're like well time to race this without a haul. See if we can mute these feelings because this is why we drink. Yeah. All these feelings marijuana is bringing up is the reason we drink.

Uh oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, and then I fucking turn on Netflix and I'm like, fuck, this movie looks awesome. And they're like, what? And I go, uh, who murdered the morons? Mormons? Mormons? No, but I thought I said morons.

And now I'm crying laughing, going, turn on the morons. I want to see morons get murdered. And the girls are like, what's up with my dad? We're not hotel room, by the way. Leanne tells me it's haunted. I come back. I'm like, someone who says in the bathroom with me. Am I gone? By the way, I am not like Johnny Damon. I haunted. I come back. I'm like, some who says in the bathroom with me. Am I gone?

By the way, I am not like Johnny Damon. I can, you can tell that I'm wasted. Yeah. But I am definitely thinking different. That photo's I found of you, naked. I remember I can take myself there. I remember that hotel room and you were like, check this out. And like, you got naked and I was like, what the fuck?

I go, what are you doing man? And you're like, I'm pretty fucked up right now. And I go, I can't tell. Yeah. And you're like, check this out. And like, you got naked and I was like, what the fuck? I go, what are you doing man? And you're like, pretty fucked up right now. And I go, I can't tell. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, yeah. It was, it wasn't until Lehan said, we turned on murdering morons and I fell asleep before the movie started.

I mind you, I go, oh, it's gonna be awesome. It's gonna put it in. And as I say, put it in, I start snoring. And I'm like And they can't hear the movie And so they're like what a fun vacation They're like dad you need to go into your room. We have a joining rooms And I don't go into my room. I walk into the hallway. I get up. I'm like fucking Half asleep half out of it and I can't get the chain off the door and they're like, where the fuck is he going?

And my wife woke up the next, Liam woke up the next morning and was like, you were fucking gone and I didn't want to go, oh, that was little Miss Grass. Haha, quiet time. You're such a crazy dad. Holy shit. Yeah, I don't, yeah, I fucking,

so do the girls now that they're not like little kids? Do they know that you, like they are fully aware of like how you party or no? I don't, I don't know. I think they've always been aware. I think they've always, is that hailing? Yeah. I think they've always been as subtly aware.

You know, when marijuana became legal, I think that was like a weird thing, because you know, all of a sudden you know Parents are doing it and like in our fan in our friend circle parents are doing it and they're going oh Yeah, I like to have an edible for I go to bed and that wasn't like weird But to me it was weird cuz I was like my parents never and then my dad started eating marijuana Frangzai and for his back and he was like I remember taking Georgia by probably And he was like, I remember taking Georgia, this is probably, I'm probably shouldn't say this,

because I'm certain this is some sort of child endangerment. But I remember my dad and I were driving down Ventura and he was like, he was like, my back is really hurting and I need marijuana. And I was like, well, why don't I just go in and I'll get you marijuana You watch Georgia. She's in the car Georgia's like maybe 12 or whatever and I went and bought it sounds like Child in danger to me. I know it's not because it's the same as buying a Bottle of wine in California

But I remember buying my dad marijuana because his back hurt and I gave it to him in the car and Georgia's in the back She's like, did you just buy papa drugs and I was it to him in the car and George is in the back, she's like, did you just buy Papa drugs? And I was like, yeah, but it's legal. But it's still in my head growing up in Florida. You did not do drugs. No marijuana would be so severe back then. Yeah, growing up.

It's no different than, it is no, it's actually less worse than picking up a prescription of oxy cotton for my dad. Yeah, for sure it is. But I remember being like, fuck did I just fuck my kid up? No. But I was like, I was like, I know what you mean. I know what you mean.

You said Johnny Damon, I guess I missed that. He would got a DUI recently. He got a DUI and man, you got to be prepared to get a DUI. Like, everyone, like I don't drink and drive, right? Right, I don't worry about that. I don't ever drink and drive. But that's not saying that I'm not prepared to get a DUI. Hit that.

Like sometimes I think, you know, I don't think anyone goes, no I drink and drive all the time, that's my thing. Like sometimes people go, I'm fine, I can drive. That's part of why you just got to have a strict rule of I don't drink and drive. Did you watch the video? Oh, I watched fine, I can drive, that's part of why you just gotta have a strict rule of I don't drink and drive. Did you watch the video? Oh, I watched the video.

How is it? You know, it's, it's, I'm a huge Donnie, Johnny Damon fan. So, part of me, you go, I don't want this happening to you. I don't wanna see like a guy who I fucking loves watching playin' baseball, cause of the way he played baseball. I don't like seeing him get down, get and take a down in

notch. I like seeing him be soft or, or not soft, but like, but like fragile. Yeah. Cause like he just, it's like, what happens? I mean, can we watch it? Yeah, let me explain it first. I think it's planning it. Get it out. Get it out. Get it out. He, and by the way, I hope that Johnny Damon's now laughing about this. I don't think he is, but why not?

So what he does is he, he kind of runs up on a curb, kind of switches lanes, and then stops way past the stop sign, and it cops behind him the whole way. However, he is like a block from his house. So he pulls into his house. Oh, so this is at his house? I think it's at his actual house And so he got into a scuffle. Yes, oh, I didn't any of that is his fucking wife That's why you got to be prepared for your DUI like that you need to think it's the same thing with with Karen's Video tape in you. Yeah my rule. This is my rule. Listen to what I say if at any point This is how it goes Tommy right? Yeah, if at any point my camera's up you already lost yeah, yeah, you got to have you what's this alpha hoodie? It's a treat

Hold on let me finish my God dammit that I'm like a goddamn barracuda That was great when mouth started watering everything Okay, okay god damn it. I'm like a goddamn barracuda Master of watering everything I was like what the fuck so so Your brain is what oh is a treat That's crazy that I I Dropped everything you did yeah, and then you're like wait a minute Start on unwrapping it Just take a look at it.

What is it? It's a special, it's a South American treat. Is it the light? Yeah. No drugs in it. No, no, no, no, no, there's no drugs, man. Thanks, hurry. It's real.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, that's amazing. Karen brought it. You say thank you Karen. Who Karen who? I don't know. Oh my god. Okay. Her last name is a lot mouthful. Thanks. Good ass-ass cotton. Oh this fucking amazing. Yeah, that is amazing. She got it from the Argentine store. Oh, my God. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Oh my god, this is fucking massive. What is this one? This is a habanets

It's got dulce of the lichet and chocolate. That's gonna be a good one man. I mean do you just take it to the face? Take it You know you don't you just go bite you can take a bite of it. Well, I want to get sure I get everything so I go like that. No, no, no Do you want to flip it like this? I mean you could try No, no, no, no, do it like this. I mean you could try How good is that? You could put cyanide in here. I still eat it

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa pussy doesn't taste as good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you, Karen. Karen. Yeah. You're the fucking best. Yeah. Oh.

Oh. It was chocolate. It was shell on the outside. It was so well cooked. It was so well cooked. It was good. Yeah. Like when you see fat people, yeah.

Yeah. Are you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. as good. Like when you see fat people, you go, how did that happen? You go, what? I could eat those until I got sick. Here you go.

How many are left here in there? There's only two left, three left. Yeah. There's one left of the hot pot. Oh my God. Oh my God. My head, my head, like, was almost like you can tell orgasmic, like chocolate.

That's fun, it's fun to watch you enjoy a try. It's crazy to think that Spanish people showed up in Argentina or in South America. And we're like, what are we gonna do with this place? And then someone was like, let's kill all the brown people first. Well, I bet they were, I bet it starts with, try this and he's like, oh, fuck this,

we're killing everyone. And then it's subjugating is when we get more of these. Hey, you guys have any gold or silver? We want that for sure, too. God damn it. Yeah, so fucking good. Wait, I gotta understand this though, because we, so.

Johnny Damon. So, I think this is his house. I think this is his neighborhood, his gay community. So he gets here, he gets pulled over, and he's just too fucked up and his and his chick God bless her She's trying to defend her man, but she gets out of the car and the second you start getting out of the car Everyone's like guns drawn. So are we in Florida here? Oh, we're in Florida. I don't even by the way

I don't know, but I have a certain word of Florida. Okay. I am certain we're in fucking Florida. You wanna just play the clip? Because Johnny's trying to do all the right things. So right here. He's just trying to be like, hey guys, I'm good. That's what he's trying to do. He's doing the right things. Hey, set your door. Set your door.

Set your door. Okay. Set the door. What the fuck? Say no 44. Hey hey back in the car get back in the car turn the car off step it up please he's talking entirely too much yeah You can entirely too much. Sit back here. Alright. What are you doing?

I'm going home. Okay, stand right here. Okay. Any weapons in the car? No. Okay. Keep that in the other pocket. Okay.

Lean to get your car. Okay. Okay. What's going on here? Why is she getting out? Um, because we saw you following us. Yeah, it's a traffic stop. You don't get out of the car in a traffic stop. What traffic sound? Do you see the police lights? Yeah, yeah. It just happened, right? Yeah. How much of a day did you drink tonight? Um, a little bit. Just a little bit. Yeah. So, yeah.

Couples on top of the wall, they're behind you. He's wasted. You left the lane multiple times? Just say it. Okay, well, I've been behind you. You've left your lane multiple times, and you actually struck the curve at one point on Main Street. And then the south side back there,

you saw it all the way past the south bar, the white line on the ground, you have to stop behind it. Hey, shut your door. Okay, this is where the problem happens. Stay there. Hey, stay there. Sir, sir, stay back over there. Listen to me.

Step over there. Okay, I'm saying the car. Man, it's pretty good. Stay in the car. Stay in the, get back in the car. This is where the real legal problems happen. Stay there. Look, here we go. Resisting a rest right there. Stand over here. We are right there.

Guess what? Someone else is getting pop for resisting a rest right now. I will not. Get back in. Get back in the car. All right, don't touch me. Don't touch me. Oh boy. What can touch me? Don't touch me. Okay, all right. Get my heart racing.

If you have to realize We are Turn around turn around Turn around Turn around Okay, we are at Pause because there's a lot more of this. This is so good, this is so good. It's Johnny Damon's not known for his speeches.

So like he's not like, I don't mean this, be in a mean person, but he's not the most intellectual baseball player they ever had. Guys like him and Lenny Dykstra, they were just guys that fucking went hard. And that's why you loved watching them play. Yeah. Man. So that's when you loved watching them play. Yeah. Man. So that's when I say get ready for your DUI. Right?

This is what I mean. This is what you gotta do. This is what you gotta get ready for. You gotta remember this. Your wife gets out of the car, know your words quickly. Sir Taser, that's it. Yeah. Taser.

He should have just said Sir Taser. Yeah. And then by the way, I bet he gets out of it. We gotta Taser's his wife. Cop feels bad. He's like, fuck, he's Johnny Damon. Yeah. And then by the way, I bet he gets out of it. We got Taser's wife, cop feels bad. He's like, fuck, he's Johnny Damon. Jesus, Taser's wife. I just took his T-cell out when she hit the ground. Yeah.

By the way, what I know. Would you have Leanties? Taser? She just had a fucking car? Yeah. Yeah, you'd be like Taser. I'd be like, sort of Taser, shooter, fucking shooter. I'd be like, sort of Taser, shooter.

Don't try to kill her, but definitely fucking take her down. Yeah, hit her in the quad. Dude, that's why I'm saying in today's society, you cannot think you're going to figure it out. Once cameras are on there, we're gonna watch the rest of this. Don't you fucking think we're not watching this? Uh, way do you see the most gullible guy in a fucking magic trick?

The way, make it feel great. The way they handcuffed Johnny Damon, makes me believe you could do like a three-card money to him all day long and be like, ah, I lost it again. Let's see, let's see, hold on, this is too good. Go ahead. I don't know what you are doing.

Face the call. He's not, he's okay watch the show out Listen to this Get out of the crash trying to get out listen to what he says Hey secure her right now What bat Leo hey baby Bad Leo Yes, baby

Hey Hey Hey Welcome Yeah, the body cam fell body cam fell I Keep walking away. Keep fans waiting for you. What do you mean? Blue lives matter. Just sit down for a while. Thank you. I'm going to put Trump in the guy.

I know people are trying to target me. Trump supporter. I don't think that has anything to do with it. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you got pulled over. See, this is hip-haz. This is why you have to be prepared for your DIY. Yeah, now I'm starting to see it.

You can't let your tongue slip thinking not everyone's. Have you ever seen Reese Withersposed DIY? No, I've heard that. Okay, now one lined up next. So wait, look at this one. This is why you need to be prepared the second someone's cameras out You've lost shut your fucking mouth say you're so right. I'm wrong. I'm wrong. So wait We'll follow back to the beginning though. So this is the cop right and you're Johnny. Yeah, sir

Sir shut the door I shut the door. I'll say exactly what I do. I've already I've already played my DIY. Okay Interior lights on hands on the thing. Okay comes up to you be the cop. I'll be exactly what I do. I've already played my DUI. Okay. Interior lights on, hands on the thing. Okay? Comes up to, you be the cop, I'll be burnt, okay? Hey, what you doing over here, man? What are you doing? I was just trying to get home, sir.

Okay, because you were kind of sort of between lanes, you hit the curb, you stopped ahead of the line. How much you had to drink tonight? I have been drinking. How much? I've had quite a few Okay, so I'm gonna need to step out of the car sir you might as well just do the field sobriety

I've been drinking I deserve a DUI Okay Come on to jail with me. Yeah, yeah, and then you know what happens none of this shit Oh, I see you're already going to jail, you're fucking wasted. Yeah, yeah. You're not talking your way out of it. You be honest, you own up to it. And just take your fucking DUI. And you take your fucking DUI.

Buracryshe got to DUI and you got to pray to God, you're ready for your fucking mug shot. It's gonna be, by the way, I don't want you to get one. I won't, I won't. You could heavily monetize Buracryshe or getting a mug shot. I mean, that would be a great shirt. Dude, that would be a great shirt.

Yeah. I, I, I will not. I mean, that would be a great shirt. Dude, that would be a great shirt. Yeah. I will not... Secretly, I don't want... I will not drink and drive. And I just don't drink it. I just know that I don't drink and drive. Actually, I just have a rule. All the time I've known you as much of a party psycho

as you are, you've been the most responsible driver that I know. You never, ever, ever drive after drinking. You actually show up always always not in your car. Like I never drive to the point where I almost didn't buy another car because I was like, my business manager was like, you don't drive. I don't know why I've never driven to the store.

I've never driven the store once or twice during so Brocktober. But here it gets my favorite part is when he gets handcuffed. I thought he's already. No, no, no, he's not handcuffed yet. He's doing a field sobriety. Okay. I'm not even here nor there right now. That's why I thought he's already. No, no, no, he's not handcuffed yet. He's doing a field sobriety. Okay. I'm out of here in northern right now.

That's not why I'm talking. There's a point. Where are you guys coming from tonight? Oh, London House. London House, what's that? Oh, it's a guy who had a lot of money to... He's cuffed right now. Yeah.

He's cuff red Good o' London house Get them make no why's hang on So okay watch this feel sobriety now here's where I fuck there. They're still They're still touch your right hill to your left toe There you go you can start whenever you're ready. Alright, you can move it a bit, a little bit. They had them stand on one foot and I said I couldn't even do that sober. This is horrible. Yeah. There's a professional athlete.

Alright. That's where I go. I'm actually doing that with my trainer and I can't do that sober. Really? Yeah. Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Okay. Now, hip-haws, hip-haws, hip-haws.

This is, and I love Johnny Damon. I have to say that again. Yeah. This is where I go. I've never seen someone tricked so easily in my life. Right. Watch the way they put handcuffs on me. Oh, yeah, when they're like okay. We go What I need to do is same with your feet shoulder width apart

Okay, put your arms out like this Kind of like back kind of like your flying like Superman. Yeah, and lean forward this a little bit Now you're gonna shut your eyes and count down from 60 to zero Okay Just keep counting Just keep counting And the guy's half an hour he's like 51 I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not I'm not now he realizes what's happening. He's like wait, I'm not going

You just got big wrist. No, you got big wrist. I'm just measuring your wrists. Yeah Just trying to see if you're gonna try to hurt you Okay, I think counting. Hold on. It doesn't add it up here. He's like no, he's not keeps counting. He's still counting Still counting oh man that is sad. I got just walk with me. Do you want me to keep counting? Just go ahead and have a seat real quick. No just the rest. You're just gonna rest here for a minute. My legs are killing me. Thanks bro. We'll be right back with you. Yeah we're gonna talk about this later. Holy shit. Did the lady get arrested? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let talk about this later. Holy shit. Didn't the lady get arrested?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let me talk to you. And listen man, you got to respect a woman who's gonna fucking fight a cop for her boyfriend. Yeah. Had they been African-American? Yeah.

None of this would have happened. Yeah, they would have gotten away super easy. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, they would have been like, you guys go, be on your way. Ah, man. If they were black, they would have been shot the fuck off. Oh, with that door. Hey man Try your door pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Woman videotaped me without my mask on she was like there's time I'm not wearing a mask Can I really you're a cunt said it loud? Couldn't help it where videos out there. I'm sure where was it on my street? Oh really? Yeah, I called her a cunt I had a dream. I kicked a woman in the chest. I had a dream now like they say you do stuff in the dream that you'd really do

I don't cheat on my wife in my dreams in my dreams. I don't cheat on the end Yeah, I kicked this cheat on the end. I kicked this woman in the chest and I thought, all I thought was in the dream, she was really close to me. And I was like, you're gonna give me coronavirus. And so to push her back, I did it with my foot and I fucking kicked her through a window and I went, I wonder if that's in my DNA.

To do that to someone? If someone, because there's a certain thing that happens when you, like, you can't deny your badness. Like your badness is inherent and it's in you. Not all of us are Christians. Not all of us are coming out. Did you get Reese Witherspoon's DUI?

She, I mean, Reese Witherspoon, you get Reese Witherspoon's DUI? She? I mean Reese Witherspoon, everyone loves Reese Witherspoon. Yeah, everyone loves it. Yeah, actually, I remember the article about this, like, do you know who I am? Right? Yeah, and that's why she wasn't ready for a DUI. Yeah, you gotta get her. She thought she could, she thought she could skate around this.

Okay. Let's see. Man, what I'm just saying today, I just want to know what's going on. She's on the recipe, what did I just tell you today? I'd like to know what's going on. He's on the list. If you don't get the list. I think you said it's an I'm a lot of distance and all of America. He's right out in it.

What the fuck? Like, wow, wow, he can't let any of these words go out of your mouth. A lot of this though, I feel like people just weren't raised right. Like, don't you just know when a cop is pretend cop is patented, like, feeling like cuffing people, just to be like, yes sir, I'm chilling, I'm quiet, I sit down. Right there, I'm his, I'm her boyfriend. I say to the cop very politely,

take her down to the ground. He's like, what? I'm like, I'm cuffed, I do it. Yeah. You need to take her down, man. Take her down hard. You have a baton? Yeah, I can use it across her fucking teeth.

I do this exactly what I'd say. Hands cuff on my back. Leanne comes out and goes, I'm a US citizen. I go, I check that out, check her back pocket. She got a soft left shoulder. Take her down. Oh, I would be so livid. This cops about.

So what happens here? OK. Oh, it's so many questions. I want to ask. Good. You better not arrest me. Yes, man. I'm a American citizen. I told you that I'm not a left-handed I'm a mere teacher

I told you to be in a car stay and there didn't I This is Yon This is Yon This is Yon I'm not laughing at you I am not laughing at you I am not laughing at you I am not laughing at you

You have you there, I'm very much. I have to obey your orders. Yes, you damn very much. I have to obey your orders. I have to obey your orders. I have to obey your orders. I have to obey your orders. I have to obey your orders. I'm not being arrested in handcuffs.

Yes. You know my name, sir? No, I didn't know. You don't need to know my name. Not quite yet. I don't know that I'm arrested in handcuffs. You're about to find out who I am. That's fine. I'm not really worried about you, ma'am.

I don't know. Do you have things work? You want to get out and get up and run a investigation? That's okay. Yes, I do. Or get to work. We have a law for that. Call the prescription. I'm in charge of everything. Really? I'm in Amphi American. Yep. Go ahead and sit down. Wow! Thank you, but first they'll be a lot easier on me. I'm your justice Really? I'm being anti-American

Go sit down Wow! So you're about first, they've already joined Interesting It's amazing, by the way I want to drink with that Reese I want to meet that Reese I want to show up to her house

I don't want her to have a glass of wine kind of spilling out with the bottle here. And she's like, you ready to drink with an American citizen? And I'm like, fuck, yes. That's the reason, see, that's who, you know, it's interesting, because that's who she is. She looked at the ground for her mug shot.

Oh, let's pull up some good mug shots. That's a beaut by the way. She is still gorgeous in that mug shot. it's the guy who is that guy? Ryan Philly pay Who is that? I don't know. That's her boyfriend at the time by the way you need to like oh Here's the other part of that husband. Okay. You need to allow her to be deeply embarrassed because because I am certain I am certain she was fucking. Oh, and I was gonna ask you if that was a lands hometown they're in and they were in at

Atlanta, Georgia. Yeah, they were in Georgia. She was shooting a movie. She was shooting legally blonde. And what does it say? James what? James Toth. Is that an agent? Yeah, I know that guy. Yeah. Type in James Toth. See what what company works for. See, I think we might have just fucked up our careers Talent agent. Yeah, he's a 51 years old. You could take me in a fist fight. Yeah, yeah, he was six one He was a see it. I think I'll tell you what I'll tell you what Whoever has him as their agent. Yeah, it's a good agent. Did he say a fucking word? No. Because he was ready for his DIY. He was ready. He said, Hey man, you got me. Bingo. Cuff me. Let's go.

But he should have been ready. If you should have said, take her down. Take her down. Because then once he takes, once that cop takes her down, she's not speaking anymore. Yeah. And that's what you want to do. You want to cut those words in half. Leanne comes out barking her app because she's had a few signature cocktails. Yeah, how did she get real mouthy when she drinks? Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah.

The fucking redneck comes out in her. And if it's been Jin, we're going to jail that night. If she's had some Jin and a cop says something to her that she catches sideways. Yeah. Come on man. She lost her virginity when she was in her teens. Like young teens.

Ah, I think 12s or something. I don't know. It was fucking you. So you see the Woody Allen thing? The Woody Allen stuff. Speaking of what a transition. Dude, fucking taser man. Get him to shut the fuck up. I have a career I have to worry about.

Right. That's my point. It's like we got a business here, Leanne. Maybe you can get Mouthy to a cop. Sir, you're gonna have to do about. Right. That's my point. It's like, we got a business here, Leanne. You're going to get mouthy to a cop. Sir, you're going to have to do something to this. The cop, you just go body slam. And they go, what? You go body slammer.

Pick her up and just fucking body slammer. I swear to you, I swear to you, Tom. I swear to you. You will, and I'll probably get in trouble for this. If I ever get rested and Leanne comes out and it's, and it, you will hear me say, take her down. I'm being dead serious because I do not want to ruin my career over what you don't know you say. What if she's permanently damaged?

That's not. Okay, like describe it. Okay. She, well, she, like, breaks a couple of bones, right? Like cracks a rib, and then she has like, just like maybe some memory loss. Okay. And she has trouble with words. Okay.

She already fell in her face really hard one time. That's true. The teeth went through her lip. Yeah. I think she had a stroke. So you're not worried about it. Look, she comes from Sturdy's stock. I gotta be honest with you, I don't wanna be married for her.

I don't wanna be married to her. If don't want to be married to her if she can't take a few punches from a cop. Like that's a woman I fell in love with. A woman who, if shit went down with a cop, she's in on it. Yeah. Do you wanna be married to the kind of woman who can't get taken down? Like you ever see the chick that like,

the, in the, the gets out in a bikini and the cop just those are the ground and then she goes yeah, I deserved it. Yeah, I don't know, I might have just made that up, but yeah, you gotta get in the world we live in, you're being videotaped all the time. True. All the time. When you think you're not being videotaped, you're being videotaped.

All the time. That's true. I've done so much shit that's been caught on videotape where I've cringed. Not even realized when I worked the travel channel, I remember just talking and just talking, and I remember my sound guy, Eric Beanie going, hey man, we're recording you. And I was like, yeah.

And they're like, people will watch these tapes. And then some people will grab that and they'll have that and they'll hold onto it for the rest of their lives until you become famous. And then they'll go that and they'll hold on to it for the rest of their lives until you become famous And then they'll go what about Bert standing outside Cedar Rapids giving his thought about dot dot dot and I'm like Holy fuck you guys do not speak when they go he goes I'll cut your mic the best I can but I listen to some fucking Audio tapes of you know of other people

No of other people? I had this one can't one sound guy one time, not my buddy Eric Beanie, right? I remember another sound guy, not John sales either. It was a guy I didn't know. But I knew that these two guys I trusted, John sales and Eric Beanie I trusted. When I started talking shit, they cut my mic, no matter what it was, they cut my mic. Meaning they can't hear it No one can hear it cut my mic drop my mic. So one time I'm working on a show brand new production For travel brand new production down in New Orleans and I say to the sound guy Gee, damn it. I'm dropping drugs everywhere. I say the sound guy. I said I said uh, hey, man

Are you cut are you cutting my mic? When I when I'm off and he goes nope, and I went is that like would you cutting my mic? Um, when I'm off and he goes, nope, and I went, is that like, would you cut my mic? He goes, I don't do that. And I said, who have you work for? And he starts telling me, I said, you ever have, uh, any compromising audio of them? And he goes, on my computer, I said, you maybe want to get a cocktail tonight and list this on with that and he goes, sure thing. And he played me compromising audio for so many fucking celebrities that I went,

I was like fucking note to self. Yeah, note to self, but don't remember the note, because there's no way you do. You definitely, I'll tell you off-air, I'll tell you off-air, exactly what it was. Was it like some Papa John stuff? Yeah, and I was like, and he was like, yep man, guy does me dirty, this goes everywhere. I was like, and he was like, yep man, guy does me dirty.

This goes everywhere. I was like, he's like holy shit, not my two sound guys. My two sound guys, John sales Eric Beanie, fucking always took care of me. Always took care of me. You second, anyone stopped doing audio, they drop your audio levels, no one hears you at all. They would go as far, these two guys would be like,

because sometimes you do a pilot or you do a show, and they'll give ears to all the execs and to the people that work in the company. So you're doing, say you're doing the thing with travelosity, travelosity shows up, they give ears to travelosity, this is they can listen to everything. By the way, it is fascinating to get ears

because you hear everyone talk. Everyone talk. You know what I'm saying? John sales Eric Beany pulled me aside. Everyone's got ears. I'm dropping your audio at the second, we're not recording. Should I tell you that this would happen to me when I did?

Remember, I mean, not even know. Oh, we know each other. When I got the subway campaign, like, like 15 years ago, with Jared. Yeah. So we, so the way it goes is there's the first, there's the first audition where I fucking murdered, right? Yeah. So you get the second callback, had a great audition,

and the third callback was with the director in the... This is for a campaign, so we're going to do a minimum of 10 commercials together, right? 25 years old. And I go to that audition, and it's the same day that I'm... It's the same day I'm headlining a show for the first time ever. So I'm like, fuck, and all I'm thinking about is my stand-up set.

And I remember that the director was like, say like this and give me line reads in the audition. And I'm like, doing them, he's like, no, no, let's say like, you know, I really want to, I'm like, I really want to, he goes, no, say like, I really, like, and I'm, I don't know what's not working with him. I'm like, what are you doing? But I'm trying, I leave there. And I'm like, that didn't feel good. Later on, like a week later,

they go, you, you got, you got it. And I was like, okay, great. And they book it and we have flying out to New York and we're shooting in Jersey for a few days. They're spending like $34 million shooting the first few of these, right? So it's like a big commercial campaign. So I have a meeting with like some of the staff there, you know, we're doing like wardrobe and going through stuff and the guys like, yeah, man,

I don't know if we were gonna use your nut because you bombed that last audition so hard and I was like, really? He's like, yeah, I go, I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Nothing made sense to me with this guy, the director. The director said kind of weird shit to me during the wardrobe meeting and stuff.

And I was like, I don't really, I don't know what's going on with this guy. So we go shoot. And he's doing weird shit again. Say it like this. But when you do it, say lie and then do this with your face. And I'm like, and again. Say it like this, but go, like when you do it, like say line and then do this with your face. And I'm like, and I'm looking at the producers,

like what the fuck is, what kind of direction is this? This is crazy. So we're like, we're like most of the time, most of the way through like the first day. And I grabbed the producers that were at the auditions and that like were fans to, they're the ones that ultimately like, we wanna work with this guy.

They go, hey, so, how many of these we're going to do? And they, we go, well, to start, we're going to do 10. And then, like, if the campaign gains steam, you'll just be shooting these, like, just constantly. I go, are we going to have different directors? And they go, yeah, I go, thank God, because this guy's out of his, he's a fucking asshole. Oh my God. And then they're like, oh yeah? And I go, what is he saying?

I go, he's saying like, say like this. I go, make this face. I go, nothing makes any sense that he's saying. Oh, I know what this is going. Then they're like, oh, you're like, yeah, no, there'll be different directors. And then we break, we go to lunch. And a couple of people kind of look at me and then he pulls me aside. Oh, man. Oh, I've been there. Yeah, and I was like what's up man

He goes what's up? Oh, oh, I'm getting yeah, he's like How do you think it's going? I go huh, you know, it's going all right. I guess he goes. Yeah Yeah, maybe when you get back to LA, take some acting lessons or something, you know. And I go, what's that? And he goes, maybe take some acting lessons. I go, yeah, you think I should do that? And he goes, yeah, I do.

I go, yeah, have you directed things before? And he's like, I've been a director for like 25 years, man. And I was like, oh, because I really couldn't tell. And he's like, oh've been a director for like 25 years, man. And I was like, oh, because I really couldn't tell. And he's like, oh, you can't tell. And I was like, I just, for me, I guess, you know, I'm not much of an experienced actor. I thought they were putting me with an inexperienced director. So maybe it's a match, you know? Oh, my God.

And he's like, okay. And then he's like, yeah, you know, it's just, don't forget that this stays on. And I was like, all right. And then talking. So I thought I was like, these are going to be the worst few days of my young career at that point. And the next day, he actually was like, all right, when you walk out to here, just like riff. Just like, you know, the direction was like All right, when you walk out to here just like riff

Just like you know hit the direction was like land here. Here's the here's the topic and riff and I rift and they all started like How like cackling really and then they call it cut. He goes. That's why we hired you like to and I was like I was like okay cool. He's like this is this is who we wanted you to be. And I was like, I still don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So, and yeah, we did a few more, and then it never got picked up. And those by the way, those commercials all exist. Really?

Well, we shot two or three, but they've never been released, you know, because- Jared's still in jail. Probably, yeah. It's weird I have his phone number. Call us, who did it happen? Call us, do you really have his phone number? Unless I deleted It's weird I have his phone number. Call it, see what he did, I have this. Call it, do you really have his phone number?

Unless I deleted it. Call it for my phone number. Ha ha ha, it's it. Let's see. There's no way it's a live number still. Yeah, it's still in there. Just call it, just call it. Just call it, I guarantee you the guy

that got his new phone number. Gets it all the time. Yeah, and CB pretends to be Jared. Okay, here we go. It's got to be disconnected. Oh, Jared Fogel. Say Jared Fogel. It's Tom Scura.

I'm on my podcast. See what he's definitely in prison right now. Oh my God, Tom. If he has that same phone in prison, you know, if he answers it, what if he guys Tom? What if you guys Tom? I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us.

I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I'm praying, yes, for us. I Did you have a fucking voicemail set up? It's his phone cell black date doesn't have a fucking oh now. I just cut off it didn't go to voicemail the person hung like Just we should put that number out see if anyone else can get

He's still in jail. What was he doing? He was fucking little kids? He's still in jail. What was he doing? He was fucking little kids. Hmm. I think he was on line, right? Like I think they found... He was like flying little girls in this have sex with them, right?

I don't know about that. 15 years old, oh no, 15 years is what he's sentenced to. Oh, he should be getting out soon. I said eligible for parole like 20, 20, eight or something. Wait, what was the actual, I don't remember, I just remember they had to do with child. Distribution of receipt of child pornography and traveling to engage in a list of sexual content

with a minor. How old, give me an age. Oh my God. Ugh. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. What the fuck is wrong with him? He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18.

He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18. He was a younger than 18 and that they were being secretly recorded. In some cases, he knew their names, addresses, and socialize with them in advance in Indiana. Oh my god. Oh fuck. You know, I remember, I think I've said this before, but so on the first night, we shot in Jersey and you go back to the

city. We were staying at the W. One of the, there's like four W's in New York. So we go back and he's like, Hey man, you want to split a pizza? Well, I was like, I mean, don't you have to eat fresh bro? Like, is that all right? What's all weird? Yeah, I'm like, oh, I go. I'm just split a pizza. Yeah, I go, okay. And he had his buddy, like his friend from childhood

or something, and they're like, there's such dicks to him, man. I was like, who? He's like the subway people. They're always like watching his weight, telling him like, they've gained a weight again and he's like, yeah, such fucking bullshit. And then he just orders like an extra large piece. I was like, yeah, okay, cool, man. He was just a dork, like, you know,

the guy, that's exactly how he was. Goddamn it, man. And he got, I'm telling you, you know, yeah, the guy he that's exactly how he was god damn it man I'd and and he got to I'm telling you this the this thing. Yeah, Mike's always on I was Trashing this guy in his ear. I've trashed. I've trashed so many people guys a piece of shit It's got fucking directs terrible. And he's like just remember I've had so many interesting as it's I feel like I was really lucky to get to do television in a, you know, hey, you can fuck up and it's not going to go viral kind of way because I've fucked up so much. Yeah.

I mean, just fucked up, like, I remember doing a pilot getting so excited and I was like, I hope this goes and I remember the director goes, really? I said, what? And he goes, do you want to do this for the next 10 years? And I was like, what do you mean? He was like, I mean, it seems like a great pilot, but how about this? I remember drinking, he goes, how about, we do really good on this one

and they hire us again for something else. And I went, okay, and he goes, but not good enough to have to do this for 10 years. And I was like, what kind of pilot was this? I can't tell you, because it's so specific. You can Google the guy's name. Oh. By the way, I ended up working with this guy three other times.

Oh, you did? I loved him. I loved him. I'll tell you names of his name off, but he was just the fucking greatest. He was just like, he was a real fun guy. And because of that, we worked well together. And then whenever he had a job, he'd be like,

yeah, you need a host, get burnt. He's great. He'll do a great job. And then you get there and I was like, is this something I want to do work hard on? And he was like, oh yeah, this is a good one. This is a good one. Or take kind of take a break on this one.

He'd be like, he'd be like, yeah, come on. What are you gonna do? But we had so much fun working with this guy. This is by the way, that's exactly how auditions go. You get an audition for something, you're like, this isn't a mate. And then you put everything into it and they're you tell your agents are like this This is really great man, and then you send it off and you just never hear it get you

You're like did you send it and they're like we did and everybody here thought it was great and you're like Did so I was like is anyone gonna and they're like I will follow up and you just never hear I mean the thing you're like this is fucking stupid and you don't prepare for it. So they're like, guess what? They want you. They want you to eat fucking meatball subs with Jared. I booked a role on the shield as a cuck without having to read.

Really? I walked in the room and they went, that's our guy. And I went, do you want to me to read any of the sides? And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, your guy who's watching a black guy fuck his wife. And I was like, and you just look at me and you think that's what I look like? And they're like, yep.

And I was like, awesome, I got it. Yeah, oh, this is me. This is me. Oh, I've ever told you this story? Yes, yes. What's that girl's name? There you are. Look at that, I'm playing with my dick.

I really fucking killed this role. Yeah, you did. That was really good. And they talked to you here. Oh, yeah, she got mad at me. You know that right? No. Oh, yeah. Oh She got mad at me for what? For touching my dick. Wait, that's the part though. Yeah. I Know I told you you're jacking off to guy. No hold on hold on hold on. I haven't told you this story. I remember you telling me the story about about this part and everything. So wait, so wait, this is actually a pretty good story and I'm not trying to put this lady on black. Do you know? I have told her right? Okay. Yeah. Okay. I thought I've told it. I don't mean to put

that lady on blast. Don't put that lady's face on there. Okay. Because I feel bad. She just, I was taking my role very aggressively. Let's say. Oh. Yeah. You can't blame your deck. No, Michael Ticklis is like, I like the choice. I go what, Nizelis, and we're gonna hold her back there.

We're gonna get some shots of you playing with your deck. Okay, but don't, let's not, shouldn't need to see it. Just you do it. You're doing it good. So you sit there, the window, play with your deck, and we're just gonna get some tights. And so I was like, for real, now I feel like an actor. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's like, you're doing it good. So you sit there, the window, play with your dick, and we're just gonna get some tights. And so I was like, for real, now I feel like an actor, I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's like, you killed it.

So I go over to the window, and they're like, action! So I'm like, the window, you can see it, they use some of the shots of me playing with my dick, and then my dick starts getting hard, and I'm like, okay. I'm like, and then, and like, I'm doing it for like a minute, it's long time to play with your dick on camera. And then I'm like, wait,, and like, I'm doing it for like a minute. It's a long time to play with your dick on camera. Yeah.

And then I'm like, wait, are they gonna call cut? Like, did, is that why you keep going? And then I used to imagine Michael Tickle sitting in video village next to the director girl, let's see if he comes. Let's see if he jerks off. I bet he jerks off. I got 20 bucks as a kid comes in his pants.

Type in alpha male. Yeah, we'll get, let me give you real quick. Let's type in alpha male. Yeah, we'll get, let me give you real quick. Type in alpha male as in males that you'd send and then type in Bert Kreischer. I wonder if this is on there. Okay, go down. Alpha male on Vimeo. Okay.

What is this? Okay, so this is a pilot I shot. Okay, don't worry about the fucking acting. Don't just scoot forward into the sexy and it's towards the end. Oh my God, you're keep going. Keep going, keep going. Look at this fucking fat face, fucking, no, don't. Just go to the sexy. I definitely want to see this sexy. So you're the sexy male carrier?

I'm a male carrier who doesn't realize. It's so funny to see this face. Is that her? Keep going. Your face is ridiculous. Yeah, my face is so, but it's such a good loser. Is that you? Yeah.

Happy birthday, Ricky. By the way, that's Bruno. Who's the guy in the city slickers? Oh, yeah. That's his dad. So wait, what was this pilot shop for? Say go, okay, okay, here we go. Here we go.

Go back, go back. That's the sex scene. Okay, can you play audio on this? Is there music playing on it? I don't know. So, yeah. So, this young lady, I don't know her name, but she is, she was hot and she is,

and we grind in there and I was wearing those mail carrier pants and they're like, I think if I think what makes your ass, so can you like take your pants off? And I was like, look, I look so cute. You look cute. You had a nice head of hair. I had a never shaved my beard. Okay.

I almost remember her name. Oh, that's right. She was in a wheelchair. Oh, that was a weird way to walk away from that. And so, all right, you don't have to have real life. No, no, no, she's beautiful. And so we do the sex scene. she is in no bra, right? Yeah.

And like you can't deny the fucking little things. And she's in, if I'm not mistaken, she's in like boy shorts, like little type boy shorts, meaning like panties that go a little bit faster leg. And they're like, can you show your ass a little bit? And I was like, what do you mean? They're like, I think we're gonna see, we wanna see your ass. So can you pull it? And I was like, yeah, yeah, sure, in my head And I was like, what do you mean? They're like, I think we're gonna see, we wanna see your ass.

So keep pulling, and I was like, yeah, yeah, sure. In my head, I was like, there's no way I got to get hard. And however it happened, my dick went out of my boxers, out of the pants, and was out, and I was like, grinding on or going, huh? And they were like, keep going, keep going. And I had to stop, like three times, I was like, I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come, I think I'm done this with a chicken set go back let me see this fucking sex scene again

I just want everyone like a second though I but we did we shot it for like a five minutes Yeah, and I'm like guys. I don't fuck this long wait Is this is this like a in the like this so who paid for this? I think they can they tried to sell this yeah, they tried? I think they tried to sell this. Yeah, they tried to, I think they tried to sell it. I mean, she got great skin. I mean, it's like, Did she say anything about your heart on?

No, she was cool, fuck. Yeah, that actress, cool, it was actually cool. She was like, yeah, I'm sure this is- It's the same way that there are creepy dudes out there that would only make a movie so they could do that to a woman. There are cool chicks out there that are like, hey man, it's okay. And then I'm sure they're fucking disgusting women that would make you feel like this big for it. Yeah, yeah. Just good people are good people. That was a good person.

Yeah. That was a, by the way, now everyone can find that fucking, I just realized everyone's gonna find that fucking movie. The views are gonna get a million views. All of a sudden someone's gonna go, hey man, we're gonna buy alpha male now. And I'm gonna end up shooting that goddamn fucking movie. So back to the topic of Woody Allen though. Did you watch that? No, I know, but I gotta be honest with you, I'm not rooting for him. Like in life, so like I don't really care one way or the other.

Like I already kind of like not canceled him, but like I never liked him. I never liked his movies. I didn't get them. I mean, yeah, I was thinking along similar lines where I've seen movies where I go. I was enjoy, like I enjoyed it. That was good.

His movies. I mean, I've seen a couple that I go. That was, what? The one time I saw him sneeze and cocaine was funny, but that's all it. Annie Hall, I didn't like. I didn't like. That is Annie Hall. Oh, I liked it, I've seen a couple that I go that was what the one time I saw him sneeze and cocaine was funny But that's all it any hard like any I like I

liked Let's see That's the thing is I don't really okay, so I'm kind of with you when I go I feel like my whole life I've been told that he's amazing and Everything that I see I basically go, I feel like my whole life, I've been told that he's amazing. And everything that I see, I basically go like, I guess it doesn't speak to me. I don't know if it's not being a neurotic New Yorker or whatever, but I just feel like.

I don't see why people are so, so excited by him. I don't know. I told someone, I told a very famous comedian one time I was working with him and he was like, what do you think of Woody Allen? And I go, I don't know man. I go, didn't he fuck his kid or something? Like that's, and I didn't do the research,

but it's still enough research for me to go, I don't know man, you watch the child grow up. I understand it's not your biological child, but it's just, it reeked, it reeked of creepy to me. Of course. I don't know child, but it's just, it reeked of creepy to me. Of course. I don't know if, I don't know, but I don't really care a ton if his ex-boyfriend. Dan didn't know how old he was.

So he's 85 right now? Fuck. I don't know, he was that old. That's pretty fucking old. But I don't know, I don't know if Mia Farrow is bitter. I'm sure she is, I'm sure she's angry. I don't know, I don't know if he molested is bitter. I'm sure she is, I'm sure she's angry. I don't know if he molested his children. I'm not certain.

I'd assume you'd believe a child. I'd also know that Mia Ferro is an actress and most actresses are really fucked up. Real crazy. Yeah, and so I don't know. All I know is that. I saw that one, that one was pretty good. Mighty Effort Ditey.

Yeah, all I know is that I knew that he dated his daughter and I thought that was creepy. Yeah, of course. Just so that's it. I just leave it at that. He married her. I guess that I only saw a part of the first episode and they go like he was never actually. Oh, I saw this one. He never actually adopted them.

Those kids. But yes, he played that role. He played a paternal role. Yeah. So it's super fucking. I mean, I actually really like that one. Matt's point. I like that one a lot. Yeah, that's the one Scarlett Johansson's then yes, she's in a few of his I think but that one

Wait, does she does she disown him? I don't know She actually have Scarlett Johansson by the way, I just got an email stop eating on the fucking podcast suck my dick Hey Um, hey, uh, she's called at your handsome slander. She's must have. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to.

She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to.

She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has to. She has feel for the guy who listens to the podcast.

He's like, don't fucking heal the podcast. Oh my god. Okay. We purr- Actually, we're just going on her marriage. Tell me how she's like, what are you going? Okay, I don't know. Where does it say? No, no, these are so fucking good. I know, right?

Here's a problem with this. Okay, like, here's a problem. It was my wife's time in me, hold on. What's up? It's a recording? Yeah. Oh, sorry. What's the matter? Do you need something?

Nothing, I just wanted to see what your ETAEI was to come look at these trees. Hey, real quick, I'm on my way away. Here real quick. Tom said that if he was ever getting a DUI and Christina came out and tried to like get in the cops face He'd be like taser bro Because you can't have a woman you he couldn't have his wife come out and do that. Is that don't you agree with that? I am so confused by your question. Okay, never mind. This is long as you understand that that's what's gonna happen

I love you, baby Go back. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. How do I feel it? She says how do I feel out woody right? That I feel mega as long denied keep growl more I Love woody I believe him and I would work with him anytime Wow, so strong, but when was that when I then type in this was 2009? Yeah 2019 19 oh then type in in Scarlett Johansson canceled for supporting Woody Allen. Yeah, well, there's no way you're allowed

to say that as a woman in Hollywood and get away with it. There's no way someone's gonna hold her to the feet fire for that because I guarantee you. Are you still in Marvel movies and stuff? No, no, no, I mean, and that canceled, that canceled's weird because part of it is like, they canceled to Peppy La Pue and I was like, I don't really give a fuck.

I've been looking for Pepe La Pue. Miss Piggy. And now they canceling Miss Piggy. So wait, what is that? Can you pull that up? Like what is going on? So they're saying what? The bearer's gone?

It's a guy, by the way, I know offense to this journalist, but his take is a fucking Chappelle premise from 20 years ago. What is it? Chappelle had this joke in one of his specials, Pepe La Pue's a rapist. I don't know if that, I'm not quoting, don't quote me on any of this,

but Chappelle had a premise about this and killing them softly, where he was like, Pepe La Pue's a rapist. Because Pepe La Pue, I didn't know he was a rapist. I just thought French people smelled. Like that was my take,

is that French people smell all as a kid. I didn't know he was trying to sexually assault them. Yeah. But they're saying popular pews behavior because he's consistently trying to co-horser woman to have sex with them and hold them and lock the door and tie them up. It's right, it's contributing to rape culture.

Well, what's the, why piggy though? Because it's super aggressive to... And has been doing that to come out of the frog. Oh, I thought it was like a fat pig kind of thing. Yeah, they know. Oh, they're just canceling those shoes over weight. Yeah. That would be one angle. I think you'd see. Yeah. We got to get rid of this fat fucking pig that we keep putting in anything.

Can I just, can I just, scroll down? I Scroll down So we can cancel another cancel miss biggie, you're like come on man. It's a fucking not real But she is super aggressive towards Kermit. She is very aggressive towards Kermit. Wait, let me see the video of her raping Kermit. Oh, yeah, she's like here's what happens is- You did harass him pretty hard. It's because people go fucking cancel a pebble up you and then what happens is people who don't agree with that

go then cancel his pebble and you're like stop saying cancel! And I think this bullshit, because I think Kermit liked it. Sort of like that, um, that harassment story I told you about where I went to a place and the lady kind of harassed me. Yes, yes, it didn't really bother me, you know? Then I got harassed. I've been sexually harassed. I mean, I mean, I've been sexually harassed

where I didn't like it, where it was just consistent. You're like just fucking enough. Yeah, yeah. I was younger and good looking though. Wait, wait, hold on. So, all right. It is kind of weird. You know what it's weird when it's like kind of like it,

somebody that's out of being a viable sexual partner, even if you're not like, you know what I mean? Like a much older person and they're keep making the comment. You're like, what the fuck man? Like, happened to me. Yeah, sure, she was older than me. And she kept grabbing my ass and saying stuff about, oh, look at how cute this ass is.

I was like, fine, fucking 10 times, I'm good with it. And then I was like, and then I was pulled, as it was a half, I don't wanna tell you where it happened because then you'll know exactly, you can figure out who it is. By the pulse, I'm gonna side and say, I'm not comfortable with this. Can you make it stop?

But do not go to her and tell her to make it stop. Because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Like just make it stop. Like how did you start grabbing my eyes? How did they stop? They didn't. It never stopped. And I just was like, I guess I was, I'll do it.

I had a lady and I'll tell you off my, kept making comments to me about my eyes and my lips over and over. Like where you're just like oh it's like sweet at first and then you're like those fucking those lips I was like hmm and then she did what I think is like it is kind of like harassment where I was sitting like sitting here and she stood above me and like just caressed my face and I was like I don't like this at all and like just caressed my face and I was like, I don't like this at all. But I just rolled with it.

I didn't say a fucking thing. There was a dude, there was a black dude growing up who I'm almost certain was raping guys. He was gay. He went to a different school than we went to. And he was older, he'd been held back and he was bigger and stronger than everyone. And when he, when he, to. And he was older. He'd been held back and he was bigger and stronger than everyone.

And when he, when he, when you see him, he'd like, grab you and he'd touch you and he'd be like, yeah, he'd want that bitch. And I remember, I remember distinctly thinking this guy is like, I don't fucking trust this. Like something's up about this guy. And then someone was like, oh yeah dude, don't trust that guy. But this is back when homophobia was really big. And so like anyone, no, and like there was no like forgiveness or like, oh yeah he's got to, it's just how he is. But they were like, he's stronger than you and he wants to fuck you, he will fuck you.

I think we went to school with the same guy. Cause there was a guy who I knew who was bigger and stronger than everyone. And who everybody kind of assigned the alpha male role, because this dude's genetics were fucking insane. And this guy was, his ass was up high. This guy, multiple people in my class,

they're like, hey, we had a party over at Bird's House and we crashed and multiple people on different occasions were like, I woke up to him with his hands down my pants. I was like, oh, including a relative of mine. Yeah. Are you serious? And I was like, cause it never happened to me. I guess I was not attractive to him, but God damn it.

It was pretty wild. It was pretty wild because also everybody, it's a unique situation where that's happening. You kind of can't believe it. And also it's somebody who could literally fuck everybody up. Like he was a really physically imposing person. I remember spending the night at a kid's house and we, I woke up and came downstairs

and they were holding the kid down on a butcher block shoving ice cubes up his asshole. And I remember I was like, I remember just distinctly having the feeling of, I hope that doesn't happen to me. Yeah. And just like kinda, and hope that doesn't happen to me. Yeah. And just like kind of, and then seeing the look on his face.

Do you wanna know something crazy? Oh, fuck, man. So I know where this, I went to school with this kid. When I'm studying in Madrid. So it's three years after high school. Yeah. I'm in a bar in Madrid,

and the bathroom is downstairs, you know, when you go like the downstairs bathroom. I go down there and There's taking a leak a couple stalls over. It's another American So he's like, oh, where are you from blah blah blah? I go where you go school? He says where he goes to school And I go I know someone to go to school there. I Say this guy's name and he goes you know him And I go yeah, he goes he was in my fraternity. I go. We mean what he goes. Yeah, he's name. He goes, you know him? And I go, yeah, he goes, he was in my fraternity. I go, what do you mean was?

He goes, yeah, he left, man. He left. He had a big thing where we found all this gay porn in his room. And like you said, it's like a homophobic time and they like talked to him about it. And then he fucking, he left. He left school.

Yeah. You know what's so funny about that time? This is a weird little in a bathroom. In a bathroom? In a grid. I saw my little brother in the fraternity. He was a virgin the entire time. They would say guys were gay in my fraternity

and I just didn't believe them. I was like, whatever you guys. Oh really? Yeah, I was like, no one, no one. Like in my head, I just, this sounds silly but I just didn't think, I I was like, whatever you guys. Oh really? Below me. Yeah, I was like, no one's like in my head. I just, this sounds silly, but I just didn't think, I didn't think people were really gay. I just didn't, I wasn't.

So I just didn't couldn't imagine how, I just, and I knew there were gay people, but like, this sounds so horrible. But I didn't know they just, they didn't wear like roller skates and, and, and speedos, you know? Like I thought that's what I get. I didn't know like, hey guys could just be a regular dude and be gay. Yeah. So I go all through college.

They had these a few guys, everyone said we're gay in our fraternity. Yeah. I like them. They were you could eat XC with them party. They were little I didn't. I didn't run. I just didn't. I didn't run. I just didn't. I was like, I don't know, man. I feel good, right? See? That's how it starts. I'm just like, I'm going to need XC. Hey, man, you want to eat XC?

I'll eat XC. I'm going to need like, I'm eating your back rub. I'm going to need my, it's fun. I didn't fucking like it. Nothing feels better than a back rub, right? I'm going to need a fuck, you want to get a little, cut a little bit. I'm going to need a fuck you don't get a little cut a little bit? Yes, but it's in but I if this is how oblivious I was to like like a bunch of almost like swathe I just didn't I didn't know that meant they were gay, right? Yeah

So I fucking I go to New York I'm walking by What's the park right across from Sharpe Entertainment the MacArthur Park MacArthur Park? I'm walking in MacArthur Park. I'm going to Sharpe Entertainment. I think maybe it was earlier than that and I see my little brother in the fraternity Who I was a great guy. I fucking love this kid and and he was a virgin and

And he party he was a fun fucking kid, right? Everyone always called him gay. I was like, he's two. He's not a good kid Stop fussing his balls. Yeah And he sees me and it's like he saw ghost And he's like I remember he just went, Birdcrisher, and I went, hey, like I, I was like, shut up, what the fuck are you doing here? And he was like, he's like, I live in New York now. And I went, oh, I live in New York, shut the fuck up.

I was like, dude, we got a party together and he cuts me off and he goes, I'm gay. And I went, what? And he goes, I'm gay. Like almost like, and in my head I was like, that's a weird thing to throw. Like right out and I realize, as he's telling me this, he's got a Puerto Rican guy's hand in his back pocket.

They're like holding hands and I went, it was so funny because I went, I wanted to go, shut the fuck up. That's what they all said. And I didn't believe it. But I wanted to, but I also wanted to go shut the fuck up. That's what they all said and I didn't believe it Yeah, but I but I wanted to but I also wanted to go him and I don't give a fuck like I was like I was like cool I was like I don't do that happen to another guy And I did you guys did you what what did you guys talk longer? Yeah, we talked and I was like to be got to hang out like I don't

I never like I didn't know that he was gay in college. I didn't care that he was gay in college I didn't really didn't care when I lived in New York I've been living in New York for like, fucking 10 years. You think anyone gives a fuck if you, you know, I was like, you want to party? Let's go get a beer. I don't give a fuck, bring the Puerto Rican guy. It's cute.

And so I remember, and then that happened, that happened one other time is in LA, this dude, the way it worked, I'm trying to be not specific, but the way it worked in high school is you sat alphabetical order, right? So there's this dude that sat next to me, I mean for four years, for four years, our names right next to each other. And I've known this kid, I sat next to him every day. For every morning, for fucking 30 minutes, for four years, I sat next to this kid I sat next to him every day. For every morning, for fucking 30 minutes, for four

years, I sat next to this kid. The softer of a kid, meaning like not football player or anything like that, smaller, little soft spoken, but I've known him for four years. One day he is, this is a hard story to tell, trying to figure out how to tell it. He's at my old apartment and he's doing headshots. And he's clearly out of the closet and he's telling my roommate at the time, I grew up in Tampa. I went to school here, but I think my roommate might have gone to a high school there. He's like, no way. And he's like, yeah, I think so. And he goes, actually, I think he's downstairs. He's like, oh, shut up. Yeah, I went to high school there, let's go. So they walked downstairs, and it's the kid I sat next to

for four fucking years. And he walks in, and he's in like a, I'm not saying like a gay outfit, but he's gay. He's gay. And he comes down and he sees me in immediately. I remember thinking he went to high school in his head where he closed up. Yeah.

And clearly, it's clear he's gay and I'm like, shut up. What's up, man? Oh my God, I sat in this guy fucking four years and he just same thing, I'm gay. And I was like, I'm gonna fuck. And he was like, I know, but no one knew in high school and I was like, who gives a shit. But I remember that feeling of looking in his eyes,

like it's so crazy. I don't know where the fuck these stories are going. I don't know. Anyway, I like to an ecstasy. And I'll tell you that moment, I can tell you where I was. I was on Tennessee Street. We're riding the Jeep Cherokee.

And one of the four or five gay guys in our fraternity that they always called gay is rubbing my back Another one's rubbing my legs. I'm in the middle wait the leg rub. We didn't hear about that one You could so be taught to do the guy If a good looking smart like a guy who knows what he's doing wanted to he could talk you into it He could talk you into it name the guy I bet like John ham could do it to are you kidding me? Idris Elba with that hog I go put on some khakis no underwear, please

Yeah, fucking John ham could definitely get me in his back That's a good time to wrap. I think yeah, yeah, let's wrap it up. Thanks again, shout out to the sewing brothers and that shout out to Johnny Damon Johnny we're big fans man. I'm sorry you had to go through that but be your next DUI ready man. Be ready for your DUI. Are you ready for D.Y.? And tell your lady that she's going to get tased. Yeah. Light her up, bro. I don't need the fucking press. Light her up. She's got to shut the fuck up. All right. I love you.

I love you too. Love you guys for thank you for watching and listening. We'll see you next time. Bird. Time. Simon. Bird. One goes top to swat the other.

Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds. The machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cake. No scripts of betta booze, amateur, fatology, dirty jokes,

ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cake.