2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 80 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Ryan Sickler & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://Keeps.com/BEARS to get your first month of treatment for free! - Get 20% Off and free shipping at https://Manscaped.com/BEARS - Get 15% off your order at https://BuyRaycon.com/bears - Go to https://Whoop.com and use code "Bears” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Go to https://Public.com/2BEARS to download the app and get a free slice of stock when you join! - Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at https://boxofawesome.com/ and enter the code CAVE at checkout. Ryan Sickler joins Bert Kreischer in place of Tom Segura for this week's episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. Ryan and Bert discuss the weirdest things that have been said to them during sex, how Hasan Minhaj pronounces his name, and the least educated states. Ryan also shares several stories of fights he's been in at bars, horse races, and more!

I don't talk to a girl. Really? I'm like, I'm like, I act like I'm at the dentist. I just, that's the only time you shut up during sex and sleep. I bet you talk in your sleep, bro. I do talk to my friend. 100%. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm He didn't have to do that when Tom's here, because Tom says somehow, rage is fucking statement about me being an asshole

or racist or something, and then we start. That's how we start. I usually, he used to do it when I sat in the seat. He would do it in... Count down. He count down and Hebrew. Nidav? It's the only way I would let him do it.

Wait, Hebrew uses different numbers? It sure does. It should. I can't believe I just made that statement. I can't believe I just said that. I wasn't a language that's been around longer than I was. I was, I was goddamn it. I didn't mean the, I, I was thinking of the actual number itself written down. I wasn't thinking of the word.

I was thinking of the actual number. I was like, wait, and a second, I was like, when you're in French and you go, I'll see you in one minute. Do you write, like, you're just gonna write the numeral. I was thinking of the numeral. Do you guys have different numerals? Well, I mean, all the letters,

they kind of stand for numbers, also. They're bigger. You owe me 10 cents. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, we count from right. Wait a little bit. We're stand for numbers also bigger you owe me ten cents Yeah, we count from right we did the job laughing. It's only funny if he's laughing. I don't know. I can't hear him over my laughter I couldn't hear him over my laughter either So everyone Thompson fat camp We send him there. He had a an incident He blew out his knee. The refrigerator fell on him.

And he was just going at it so hard. He's fucking skinny now. Yeah, he is skinny. His head looks bigger than it's ever looked now because he's skinny. The picture he took, can I just tell you? And I know this is a little after the fact. Push has never looked sexier in her f- I think push an attractive woman. Christine has always been an attractive woman.

Much more attractive when she was younger, but... But... But... There's a picture of push in a shower from road rules days that is like fucking jack material. Like, have you ever seen that picture? I thought I saw the picture, but yeah this this shit right here. I wanted to text I would date that girl right there. I was like I have dated that I want to I want to send Leanne to that lady and have her

Just dress up. Leanne like that. So I can take it for a spin was just one night There's so much that woman that woman that woman would let you do to her Oh, you she'll do everything to you and then you know why it's good that woman for one night because in the end, you're gonna pass out after sex. She's gonna rob you and she's gonna show herself out. Yeah, that's perfect. There's gotta get my license and credit cards. Let's say statements that have been said to us

during sex that this woman would never say. I'll start. You need to trim your fingernails that hurts. Alright, I'll trade you on. I can't believe I fucked a white guy. It's actually been said to me. Why is it when racism happens back to us? It's so fucking hilarious. Like any sort of microaggression,

I find engaging with you on it. Like I fucking, I tripped, last night, Julian and I went out to eat for the first time outdoors. I am not comfortable around people yet. I have not gotten my, like my seat like- How do you understand?

Even with your standup shows, you just go up on stage and you stay away from anybody else. I never talked to anybody. I was in a fucking tour bus with, you know, five people, seven people, and then we would park behind the thing. We'd walk, I'd never touch anyone, never talked to anyone. You go to right aid, dude, it is like,

oh yeah, you got to get in line. It's like the stand on top, you know what I'm saying? It's like being on Southwest. Remember when first time you were on Southwest and everyone was just fucking like, go sit on your lap and you're like, what the fuck? I went out to dinner and I tripped. And these, this table of black women laughed so fucking hard

at me tripping and I didn't get upset with them and they were like, I mean, you think there was a slam dunk contest, like they like got out of their tears. They moved silverware around like, oh shit, look at this motherfucker right here. And and I and I didn't get upset I went you know like Then went down sat with Leanne. He got wasted

But but I yeah, it's like I'll give you a perfect example like and by the way I'm on his side up before we start this I want to make it very clear because a lot of times I've said statements like oh I wish that copied days Reese Witherspoon and I feel like people misread that statement. I'm always on the celebrity side okay I am a Hollywood whore that's getting clipped out. All the people that think I'm a fucking Hollywood phony you're so right I'm not moving to Austin I'm'm staying in Hollywood, I want to sell out, I want to fucking have like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I wanna talk about her son. I wanna talk about my very good friend of mine. I'm fucking not being a con right now.

This is why I made a preface. Hassan Minash, I think I said it right, correct? Because he was on Ellen and he pointed out that his name has been said wrong. So many, by the way, put name dropping down. But also, he has, and I know him, and I like him. I love him, I love his buddy

Also, he said his fucking name like that. He did? Yeah a ton of times and no one else corrected him Every time every time someone on saying their own name, but I'm saying when they would say I'm Ryan. It's it's it's fair. It's fair. It's fair I'm Ryan it's no it's Brian you get a bear it's bear it's it's bear it It's fair it's fair. Hey, it's bear no Trevor Noah said Hassan Minaj a million times real no Yes, and no one ever corrected him and then all of a sudden it became hey you guys are saying it wrong It's like well then why haven't you said something before that well, I think you know that's what because we are ignorant I mean we're look here's another thing my? Well, I think, you know, that's what, because we are ignorant. I mean, we're, look, here's another thing, my email, I'm not gonna, look.

You know him, I, I don't even think I'm met him by the time I like him a lot too. I like him a lot too. But then also, I feel like a moron because apparently I've been saying your name like guys like Trevor know I've been saying it all this time and we're all wrong and then you go, he went on Ellen and was correcting everybody about like,

this is how you fucking say. Well, I'm gonna defend him, his parents, okay, his parents are in the audience, right? wrong and then he went on Ellen and was correcting everybody about like this is how you fucking say. Well, I'm gonna defend him. His parents, okay, his parents are in the audience, right? Yes. Imagine you're 100%. I don't know his father's path, but I'm certain it didn't start like bro, that's not how we say it. Yeah. And name your kid something and they're going on Ellen and your dad says you back sage, buddy. Just make her say it the way I fucking put her on the burst certificate. Just please, you're on way I fucking put her on the birth certificate. Just please, you're on fucking television.

Do it tonight and you know, you know he's like that. It's such a fucking headache. It's Ellen. You don't know this but by the way, I just went to bat for Ellen so I'm not going to shit on her. So I gotta stop shitting on people because I hate it when it happens to me. And then when it happens to you, when you see people shit on you, you gotta fucking applaud them and go, I do it too. It gets ratings.

So, um, but I don't mind hearing the right way to say his name. I don't mind it. I don't even. But I want to know it from the get go. I don't want to be calling you something for three years and then be like, man, that's not even how you say my name. Like, why the fuck? I get, I get, do you know know that people call me Rick all the time

You're telling me I get Rick you're telling me all the time I've been called Brent Chrysler my entire life But do you but do you correct the matter never? I just that's right. I tried to do the game. I don't care if Ellen called me Rick I'm not gonna fucking say it on the show. I'm like I'm just gonna go with Rick sickler burnt Chrysler I am more known as, I wonder if Burt Chrysler trends more than Burt Chrysler. Like, Burt Chrysler, and that is a purposeful one. See, I understand what he's saying when like,

I, I saw this article on the LA Times and they were saying it, it's a microaggression where it's the sub-racism of Asians when you mispronounce your names. I actually get it if like, you do it in like a KMP away, like for Nane. Yeah. I understand that that is a thing, a real thing.

But like I'm gonna say, I'm in hate crime. His, that guy's name for a long fucking time. But only because we, that's what I wanna get clear. But only because. I'm not even gonna say it's fucking name. I'm not even gonna say it's fucking name. And. I'm not even gonna say it's fucking native. And the guy that was on Silicon Valley, they jacked, fuck that guy, I'm never talking about that guy again.

Come on, no, I don't say it. I don't say it. I know how to say it. I guarantee you, let's call Camille and find out how to pronounce his name. Will you think Camille answers her FaceTime? I think he's gonna think this is the most racist call you've ever made to him, probably.

Oh, are you really asking me? Are you waking me up to ask me how you say my name? You white pieces. Shit. You don't know Jews have numbers, you don't fuck. Did Jesus numbers the dumb? You just give a numerical system an all or a Hey, I know we're in the middle of a pandemic and things are on the term but how do you pronounce your name?

It's pronounced go fuckers I'll fuck you like you're killing a goat SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT Oh god fuck I almost called him it was like how do you say it? You say it like you say it Oh Fucking ten minutes in. We're not gonna last. You stopped me from looking to face the minute. I shouldn't have, but I did. Face time in him.

It better for the content. Face time in him. Face time. Face time. Face time. Face time. Face time. Face time in him.

Face time in him. Face time in him. Face time in him. Face time. Face time. Face time. Face time. Sayonara Emma calls Donnell. Hey, pull over. Here's the biggest problem that says comics, with our community have such a fucking wide birth of jokes we can make about each other. Like, so I bet that guy is, like I'm just don't sign a dodge, I believe it is. I don't wanna fuck it up because it now it's like,

he just told me how to say it and it was so fucking much better. It's better than a pzamanage. Yeah. The way I say it, I say it like Nicki Minaj. I thought they were- I thought they were brother and sister. When she first came out, I was like, oh shit man.

His sister's so good. I've always been into Indian chicks. I've, like just recently though, not my whole life, actually my whole life. I was in tennis camp with this chick that was smoking. Fucking hot. But I don't know what it is. Is...

I mean, Nicki Minaj is not Indian. Yeah, we know that. Yeah, I knew that. Okay, I knew that just when you type. Put it up in numbers in the dark. So wait, is Hasan, do you like, I'm trying to put a little English on it? Uh huh.

And the funny thing is, I don't think you accent the first name, I think it's his last name. But keep doing it. Keep doing it. It's Hasan, it's Hasan. And really, we play it for an unknown level. Okay, well then I'm playing it all. I can't fucking not dead name the first time.

That's not how he said it on, on Ellen. I don't think it's Husson. Play it on, yeah, it's Husson. It's, it's Husson, men Husson. Husson. Husson, men Husson. Yeah, only fucking Americans would put a, like, a heavy on on it, like, they're ordering medication.

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Dude, I keep thinking this. Ben Ascreen sounds like a medication. Like, when you just go every time I hear Ben Ascran, I think, ooh, what are the side effects? Can you play it on like just so in my ears so I can hear it, Husson.

It's Husson, right? I don't think he says that on that. He does, he fucking does. It's very different than I've ever been saying it. I thought it was his last name, dude. And by the way, you hit a sense of the place on my head because it doesn't fuck me. I want people to mispronounce my name,

but like when people do it on purpose it it This is gonna sound sensitive. I'm very sensitive Sometimes people do it to like make like to mock me that don't know me I'm like easy bro. My friends can do it fans can do it I don't really know you don't put it on the fucking billbird like they'll do it That's happened when I'm doing a theater. they'll put on a burnt Chrysler, and I go, that's not funny to me. Like, I'm a fucking, no, now it's gonna happen

in every fucking billboard I've ever. How's this say? You see that? But I don't find it hilarious as like, like, I love the Kool-Aid jokes, I love all the jokes, but put my fucking name on the thing. So I understand where he's coming from. That's why it connected with me, I go,

and especially with his dad, like I've watched the mispronounced Isla's name, and I go, take a second. Like you know, it's, they'll go, Ila, they called her Ilaq for a long time. Ilaq, because fuck face, Ila, I love my daughter. Ha ha ha.

She had written on her PE clothes, Ila Kay, and just written them too close, so it said Ilaq. And Ilaq is kind of a quiet kid, so everyone just read her name as Ilaq, and she never corrected everyone. And so they kept calling her, and they were marking her absent because they go as Ilaq here,

and she wouldn't say anything. And Leanne's like, she's got a bunch of absences from PE, and she's at school, I don't get it. And it's because the teacher thought her name was I-LAC. And so instead of I-L-A-K, and so I-L-A just went with it and just was being called I-LAC for a semester.

And we were like, marked abs. Yeah, and we're like, hey, I-L-A, you just put a spade. Can we get a new PE shirt? And then we wrote I-L-A period K, like, you know? So I understand it. I understand it and it hit a sense of this place for me. Let me hear it exactly how he says it. Yeah, Hussin.

Hussin. I sound like I'm saying a hate crime. Hussin. Well, my name is Hussin Minhazh. Hussin. Hussin Minhazh. Minhazh. That's what I've, Hussin Minhazh.

Yeah, I've always said Minhazh. Yeah. Really? Well, my name is Hussin Minhazh. Hussin Hazh. I'm saying Hassan. Like a Hassan Manage. Hassan Hage. I'm saying Hassan, like a Hassan. Like it's a bottle of water.

But that's because that's how it's been said incorrectly in the past. And we hear shit like that. Give me Trevor Noah saying, Hassan Manage's name. I'm never gonna fucking talk about it. I need, I actually need him to just go back to Hassan Manage because I'm gonna, I'm just gonna look fucking horrible.

That's what we are. Can you please gonna, I'm just gonna look fucking great. That's how big do we are. Can you please just change your name? And you can call me Burt Chrysler for the rest of your life. You got it. You can call me, face Chrysler. I'm gonna have to try and find the exact thing. Okay, okay.

We'll keep headsets on. I actually like headsets sometimes. If you're smoking weed into a podcast, headsets really do. Yeah, I always hear better with headphones on when I smoke weed. I've honest to God, I always hear better with headphones on when I smoke weed. I've honest the God I go back at least once a year and I put on old Richard prior

albums and I listen with headphones I lay in the dark and I hear shit that At the table or or converse something someone said in the crowd that you don't ever normally hear if you're driving or traveling or whatever So you got here What's crazy is you know, Hussin, God damn it. Every time he did stand up, you know someone was like, Hey man, how do I say your name? And he said it right and the guy was like, cool. Put your hands together for Hassan Manage.

Have you ever earned early days, fuck someone's name up, bringing them up when you hosted or anything? So badly. Yeah, me too. So badly. And, me too. And the first time I never happened to me, so obviously, no one can pronounce Christchurch. Like, Cresher, Cresner, there was a comedy group called the Burt First Nurse.

Yeah, really? The Burt First Nurse. And so for a period of time, I was called Burt First Nurse. Like, they just would look at it and go, oh, it's the Burt First Nurse. And so I a period of time I was called Bert first nurse. Like they just would look at it and go, oh it's a Bert first nurse. And so they I was called Bert first nurse. I never, never bothered me, but I guess, oh, okay, here's Trevor Noah saying it. Let's hear him say it. The last day we get to see Hassan Minach. Okay. Okay. Thank you. I've been saying it like that all these years because because a very woke Left he's not he is very Republican long. I'm just saying no. He does a character. It's like I know bear right

Like he he is very Republican I don't know very and this liberal guy is a character. He's not even black. You know that No, you're right if he's he is very by the way Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I think it mad at the rest of us for doing it when it's presented to us like that on it. So he went on Ellen and corrected it. But all I'm saying is we are not pieces of shit prior to Ellen. No. This episode we are. But prior to Ellen, we're in the weeds.

We're in the weeds on this episode. Deep in the weeds. We're deep on the weeds. But prior to Ellen, we were not because it had been said to us and presented to us like that for so long. Exactly, and I've never met him in a camera. Now.

But you know, it's crazy. It's you don't want to, you don't want to make it. 10 minutes of your pocket. 17. 17. 17. 17. And by the way, he's getting good press out of this.

And everyone's learning how to say his name. And we love my. I genuinely love his show on, his show on Netflix, I loved it. I loved it. I love good, it's like Shultz's show. You know, Shultz, I love good presented material. That's it. They're producing it differently and they're doing,

taking different chances and doing different shit. I love it. That's the difference between, you know, like the type of comedy I do is, especially on stages, I write on stage and on podcasts, we're writing on the fly. So we're just trying to be funny in the moment. When you watch those scripted ones, God, they're fucking good. Like real scripted.

I could never do that. I think it would make me crazy. Like, you know, to stand this box and then present lines, like just present stuff. I like the, I've always like the flow of it. You ever seen those comics, not those guys, but you ever seen the comics that you're like, no, the math adds up, but I'm not laughing. You're like, yes.

I get you did your homework on how jokes are structured, but none of this feels like it's got any fucking coming in, you know, like, yes, I, yes. Like you need, you need like, you ever fuck someone that just,, like, yes, I, yes. Like, you need like, you ever fuck someone that just, just like didn't give it back to you, just kind of was like, like, yeah. And then you have sex with someone,

like, first time I sex with Leano, I was like, this woman, Fox. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha She's fucking like she's trying to get me like a biorepacacigrass. I am burner with them. Yeah, like she just like, it's to this day you can get it out of her. You gotta really kinda like, you know, it's not there all the time, but when it happens,

Jesus Christ, I had a girl one time, tell me. Cause I, look, we're communicators. I don't know if you do it during sex too, but I talk the whole time during sex, almost the whole time. I'm asking, I'm saying shit, I'm talking shit. And this girl, really? I'm like, I'm like, I act like I'm at the dentist. That's the only time you shut up during sex and sleep.

I bet you talking, you're fucking sleep, bro. I do talk to my sleep. I'm calling the man right now. That's the funniest thing I do touch my sleep. I'm calling Leigh Ann right now. That's the funniest thing I've ever fucking heard. That is the funniest. You always find you shut up the fucking fucking fucking of FaceTiming her right now. Holy shit, that is the funniest.

Why haven't I had that fucking joke in my set? It's yours. Oh my god. Let's see if she's... She probably just got out of the shower. Oh, that'd be a good look. Yeah, you might want to screen that. Nope.

She won't FaceTime me and show me news because I she called me taking pictures of it. Oh, screen grabbing it was on grabbing it quickest. Well, I had a girl one time. I started talking shit and she fucking put a finger over my mouth and she said, no talking for either of us. It went so you asked me if I ever had a girl not give it back. Yeah, that was the worst. Wait, okay, hold on, the silence. The whole scenario. The whole scenario. We're in the docks in Baltimore. I'm not, well, I was actually, this was years ago, I had gone home to a Ravens game. I'm tailgate and I meet this new blonde girl in the group. And

I'll pull up a picture of female Ravens fan. It all fairness. That's not going to be what you think. But see what this looks like. Okay, put in overweight. Yeah. Yeah. These girls are hot. These girls are fucking hot. And she was a blonde hot chick, like one of these girls. And she had come in with the crew that, you know, when you leave home and you go back and see your friends, usually there's new people that come into the group over 20 some years.

It's so crazy. If you said, name a sports team fan, hit that blonde and Brunette and a left there in a dog. Yeah. If you name a sports team fan. Hit that blonde and Brunette and a left there in the dog. Yeah. If you name a sports team fan that you think talks during sex, I would go Raiders definitely. Like girls, girls, no doubt. Raiders, a Raiders chick.

If you're a fat old Raiders, just complaining. I'm just complaining about mundane racial slurs. I would say a Ravens fan. complaining about mundane racial slurs. I would say a Ravens fan, Devley Ravens fan talks. Miami Miami fan. Yeah. If you said I bet like a Colts fan is very quiet during sex.

And what's free and bass probably quiet, Doran's Denver Bronco. Denver. Yeah, Denver. We are picking cities that have, we're just picking cities that have that have more ethnic people in them and going they talk Yeah, a falcon fan probably talks during sex as opposed to a As opposed to like an Arizona Cardinals fan. Our chargers fan. Our customers fan would be good. 49er fan. 49er fan. 49er fan.

Hahaha. It's horrible. So wait, so we go back. So you and her are sucking back to Bud Light Isis. So we're ha- yeah, we're tailgating. We get to meet. We're sucking down the core's lights.

And she's smoking Virginia slims. She's not a smoker. Okay. Drinker. Oh, yes, she is. Um, I'm smoking weed, drink a beer, she's drinking. I can't wait to drink today. We get to meet.

She's like, I want to come out and hang out. I was like, great. And then she does. And we have sex. And we start to start, start me at the beginning. You guys are kissing in the living room? God. Probably. I don't even know how sex works. Like how does sex work for regular people? kissing in the living room? God, probably.

I don't even know how sex works. Like how does sex work for regular people? Do you kiss in the living room and then make your way to the bedroom? I mean, if you have a living room, I guess you could, but you could be out in old days, prior to court, you go to a bar or you hang out, you have a few and then you just go home.

There's no like real living room setting first Maybe if they come over for dinner or something sure but most of the time you're out hanging out having some fun And you go home and you fuck that's just when you go home You like kiss at the door and then fall into the apartment. I did all I do is go I said the door and fall in the apartment like a movie listen these girls want you to choke them spit in their mouth Fuck and slap their titties, these are- I have spitting girls out for fuck's sake. These are not-

Take in, fuck and whisk me away. Yes. I have spitting girls mouth at an age you'd be shocked at. And an age you'd say shut up and trust your ears, both of our ages. I was like 17 years- it just caught me off guard, she was like spit my mouth and I was like 17 years, it just caught me off guard. She was like spitting my mouth and I was like, I mean, I barely fucked, I had fucked like three talk once, maybe once. Yeah, that's a hell of a jump from my friend.

And I run, virginity to spitting in my mouth. Spitting in my mouth. Oh, wanna see a picture of her? Yeah, I do. Right now, she knows I'm talking about her. She, it's the only girl that's ever said that to me, spitting my mouth. And by the way, that's definitely something that girl that dress like Christina would absolutely say to you, Doryne.

We said, what, what can you say? That's on the list of being said yet. She's still fucking hot. Yeah, that girl loves her mouth spatted for sure. For sure. Hold on, I want to, I don't want to show you a picture of her kids. girl loves her mouth spatter. For sure. For sure. Hold on, I don't wanna show you a picture of her kids. And no judgment, whatever you're into, I'm into it too.

Kids are beautiful. Just shits, the only thing, shits, the only thing really impist that I'm not into. Little bit of blood, but not like Jason Ellis telling me about the chick that cut some while they fuck and then sucks it and spits it all over. I'm like, this is her. Oh yeah. tell me about the chick that cut some while they fuck and then sucks it and spits it all over my car. This is her. Oh yeah. That's her as an adrice. So what age was it? Oh 17. 17. Yeah. And she

said it at 17. Yeah. Man, God bless. Fucking caught me off guard. I don't care how many times I'm used. I've heard it at well that one always catches me off guard Then the next check I was with I was like I guess check bitches like you to spin their mouths If you go back to back all girls that like it then the third one doesn't man you're in a war that's a salt It goes from fucking Sexual shit From fucking sexual shit. Oh, salt effect. And it's not even that. You're not into that? Wait, you're not into that. Oh, darn. Hey, no, no, no.

I've been with two women for my whole life for five years. They both weren't doing it. I'm sorry. And they knew that I spanked your mouth. Ah, ah, ah, ah. I have more to salt charge. It's even funnier if she doesn't say anything. But the next one brings it up to her.

Did he spin your mouth? I would ruin your sex game. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh my god. 26 minutes. I love it. This is fucking, I can't be around you like this.

Yes, spin your mouth. So we get me back to this girl. So your this girl was the opposite of all the girls. Where are you? Ray and Ravens Jersey. Not when she came out, but at the tailgate for sure. I have my head read on Jersey on. That usually gets them, you know, the black one, the alternate Jersey.

Not even I don't wear it a purple. Dude, what's up? I forget what a Baltimore accent is. Don't let me let me run Let me see if I can find it okay, yeah Bob Baltimore Baltimore Baltimore. He'll go I gotta find it. I got to find it. You think you think brilliant actors just get there. They got to work their way up there Right you're right Baltimore. Baltimore. Baltimore. E. A

Baltimore E, A, Baltimore, Baltimore. Nice and easy. That's not terrible. Yeah, I got it. I mean, the Baltimore accent is terrible. The Baltimore accent. Your version of it is. The Baltimore accent is, I have a pivot on that,

but I want to hear this story. Remind me to talk about, keep going. There's not much more to it. It's we, you know, she's got a banging body. We, I get her naked. And your first words out of your mouth are, I don't remember my first words, but I just like to hold my-

I'm probably complimenting her and like you got a great ass, you know, you look fantastic naked. You look at your- You know, you're smart. As she was, she was smart. She had a great job. I'm so out of my league. All that shit I'm like I'm fucking way out of my league.

And then, you know, like I said, I like to talk shit and she just put her finger over my mouth and said, shh, and I was like, okay, for a second I'm like, oh, okay, okay, and then she's like, no talking. And I was like, what, the entire time, that's what I said, the entire time. She's like, no talking. And then it's the only time in my life I've ever fucked in silence and it was awful. I love it. It was awful. I love it

Leanne leanne talks Leanne will talk okay. Well, that's at least someone is doing something and saying something that makes you feel like you're part of this I could not talk at all if I've had sex with not speaking at all. Yeah, that's gross. Really? Yes. It's gross. I'd rather not have sex than fuck with no talking. I definitely would rather have silent sex. I love silent sex. I've had a lot of sub-silent sex. I've had talking sex, but not all sex is worthy of a conversation, so I'm sex is just. I'm not talking about necessary conversations. We're not talking about like global warming, while I'm eating your pussy, I'm talking about like,

you know, do you like that? How's that feel? Yeah, Leanne talks during a blowjob. You know, I love it. I love it. I love it. What's that?

I said the Constitutional Amendment of, oh, there's go back to the line of my deck. I love it. I love it. I like to read during sex. Read. I go down on it and I put a book up here and I go, I like it under the book.

Okay, here's my question. We're talking about Baltimore. Cities that are bigger than their state. Baltimore's bigger than Maryland. Meaning, meaning like, if you went to, if you went to, I feel like LA and San Francisco, you could say the same about this big ass state of California too, almost. I don't know.

That's like saying, you can't because- Phoenix is bigger than Arizona. No, because more people claim California, West, like living in your right. So like, you look at a city like Indianapolis is bigger than Indiana. Like when people go, my point is, if you go to Cape Town, say that South Africa and you say to someone,

real quick, I use Cape Town as an example because I'm just saying, I'm looking for a place that is like a far away country where maybe people don't know a lot about the United States. It's Cape Town was a far away country, where maybe people don't know a lot about the United States. It's, Cape Town was a bad fucking example, but you go to like the Ukraine. That's a bad example. Whatever, you know I'm an offensive enemy in this.

You go to like we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're at grew up and you go, hey, tell us, give me five states. You know that they'd probably go, okay. If you get 50 states, they go, okay, they put the name, like Baltimore is a state, Boston a state Boston's bigger the Massachusetts I think St. Louis is bigger than Missouri St. Louis is bigger so much bigger than Missouri like where you go you mean St. Louis? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, um Indianapolis. I remember thinking Indian. I remember going in theapolis and going

It's in Indiana and they're like it's called Indianapolis And I went that's so funny, I thought it was in Baltimore. That's unnappless. That's the state capital of Maryland, unnappless. Oh, is it really? Yeah. Unnappless. Unnappless, it's beautiful.

Maryland's where the Naval Academy is, it's gorgeous. If you had to join one part of the military, Navy. Oh, hold on, one part of the military doesn't make you a better man. And then one part of the military that you think Oh, hold on, one part of the military does make you a better man. And then one part of the military that you think would be the best fit for you, which would you pick. All right, better man, I'd go Navy.

I'd like to say the best fit for me would be, look, I'll be honest, I'm not man enough to be a Marine. I don't wanna be the first one in on anything. I'll go Army. I wanna be the first one in during sex. Yeah, go Army. I want to be the first one in during sex. Yeah, during sex. During a, during a, orgy. I definitely want to be a Marine.

Ah, yeah. I know, I don't want to be a Marine. I'm on the, I'm on the inflatable raft up front. If I normally, normally I'm the Army Corps of Engineers where I stay there forever. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, that's a good joke if those were accurate. Like, I don't know the

interrelation about marine. That'll be the first one in, first one out. First one in, last one out. First one in, first one out. You know what I like about you? But I like to leave my men behind, you know? God, I'm killing it today. I'm so much better without Tom. What? Sweet. I could, could you be a marine? How hard is bootcamp type in bootcamp? I couldn't be a marine. No, could you back when I was 17 or 18? Oh, see that's when I couldn't have done it. I'm now I could do it. I don't know if I I don't know man Marines are special to all of look first of all, all militaries. Look, if they, I don't care, Chris Rock said, I'll give a fuck if you got tanks rolling down the 405,

why wouldn't you let Gays and Trent go? Get the fuck in there. If you want to do it, military, I'm gonna help us. I got your back. I think everyone should be in it. I don't give a fuck, but like, I couldn't do, I listen to Jocco, I'm fucking this guy's name up. By the way, talking about fuck. It's a theme on this. Jocco Will Ningke do I listen to jackele. I'm fucking this guy's name up by the way talking about it

It's a theme on this jacke will nink. I've I listen to his book and is podcast and he talks to these dudes that like there I mean the shit they've seen I thought I'm saying the stuff they've seen I've heard I've had friends of mine tell me about letters They've read at though they go visit a friend of theirs at the memorial and Vietnam or whatever. And I guess people leave letters and things like and there was one that they read about just a guy and then it was him and another guy literally sitting and their guys and their troop have been captured by the Vietnamese and they're being listened to them being tortured

tortured. their troop have been captured by the Vietnamese and they're being listened to them being tortured, tortured. And they can't do anything about it because if they come out, they're dead too. And they're just sitting there listening and waiting for their turn. And it's just this brutal fucking story. Yeah, I gotta say prayer. Like, I hear words. See, here's the thing.

The things these men and women have seen and that's what I fucking, that that's where I fucking that's where I thank you to anyone at their in the military thank you to anyone yeah find my camera it's dark over there yeah thank you for anyone the sort of but thank you for everyone in the service of the military obviously that goes without saying for me too but when you think like I listen to Jaco talk to this dude so he's a regular guy like I got on the podcast and it's a regular guy. Like a regular guy. And he tells this story of killing a dude with a rock. And it's almost like I'm telling you about like,

like just he's just fucking, like what I had for lunch. And he's just like, is a little detached from it, but he's there. He can tell his feelings are there. And you're sitting there going like, I haven't witnessed anything in life. I haven't witnessed anything in life. And now if you talk about joining the Marines,

could I have done it as a kid? Easily I would have joined it, and I would have quit. I would have definitely quit now. I would have gotten kicked out pretty quick. Christ, is that ice cream on your outfit? Ha ha ha're a sir. It's yogurt, it's yogurt, sir. I bet there are donuts in your bonk, I wouldn't check, sir. But I now as an adult, I think I would look at something like boot camp as like a legit. I think I would find the worth in it as an adult.

As a kid, I bet that's what's crazy to me is an 18 year old kid. I bet it's easier to do by bet I would quit or get kicked out so easily, but as an adult, I would look at it and go, oh this turns you into a better person. It's a little late for me, but it turns you into a better person.

I would love to do like the, I know I couldn't do it, I'm saying you know I would try. I'd love to do like the, and I know I couldn't do it. I'm saying, you know, I would try. I'd love to do the Navy SEAL training, like, where they sit and you just, they did it to, do they did it to the men's polo team, the water polo team, I just watched the video, and just having someone tell you what to do,

triggers me hardcore. Oh yeah, and screaming in your face and shit. Yeah. I am. Buds. Is that what basic underwater demolition? Yeah. Buds.

I'll say this. Seems a lot friendly. You said two things. I don't think I could be in the military. But you talked about that guy bashing someone, killing someone with a rock. And I apologize if that isn't exactly what he did, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Either way, what I do possess in me is the ability to, if I had to, if I was in that situation

and it was life or death, I could absolutely disconnect and take a rock and just bash somebody's fucking brains and if I had to, that separate from wanting to go in the military. I'm talking about true survival. If I had to do that. I could do that See I just started boxing recently and I didn't realize how Little I could defend my person

Like I thought I always thought I have the box. I've talked shit to people been like what what's up? And then I I didn't realize that If anyone in my life had ever said, oh, this is what up? I would have then been like, I don't know Like I Anyone in my life had ever said, oh this is what up I would have been like, I don't know to do this Wait, you've never been in a fight. I've been in fights. I've just been beaten up mostly. You've never won Not one fight. I mean if you're cured defeated. I'm I will Kind I gotta beat up by a woman one time I got beat up by woman and a Hank Jr.'s concert. I got stomped by a woman.

What happened? Fucking hot woman too. And Hank Williams Jr. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. At the sundown, I will say names, because this gets a little hairy in the culture that we're living in. But we're at Hank Williams Jr. concert and then, and are from it's me and I'm like four or five dudes.

We're all in high school. Maybe we're 17. I'm guessing maybe 18, but we're drunk. We're drunk as fuck. And we're just singing the songs. I don't even remember how it started, but these legit red necks are in front of us. And they didn't like something. I was always the guy that was with the group of guys that were starting shit. I was oblivious to that. I am very naive. I am truly a very naive person and All of a sudden like people start talking shit and I'm just like standing up like going You know the more bodies the scarier we look and what these guys are bigger than us. They have cowboy hats And they're talking shit and

One of the guys like throws at my body and then they start going and they're talking shit and one of the guys throws at my buddy and then they start going and I like her like this and this woman comes from out of fucking nowhere, jacks me and then puts me between a row of things. So I'm like punched you, knocked me down, she fucking leveled me. And she's like on top of me and I'm between, you know when you fall on the ground,

where all the peanuts, I got like beer on my back and I'm like, are's like, on top of me and I'm between, you know when you fall on the ground, we're all the peanuts, I got like beer on my back and I'm like, are my arms are jammed? I can't punch her and she's just beating the fuck out of me. Let me tell you something. I can't survive. If you're just getting stopped and he's up there singing. I've never wanted a woman to be hit, but God damn it man.

Somebody get this bitch off me. I wanted Ray Rice just to come out and know where, just been like, what did you say bitch? Wait, and I got the fucking shit kicked out of me by this woman, and then everyone's, you know, we get in the car, we get in the station wagon, we're all in, party in, and we get done the concert,

and I'm like, fuck them, fuck them. They're like, bird you hit anyone? I was like, I fucked this person up. Which one? I was like the guy, the guy with the hat, and I'm like, I fought him, and I was like, the other guy, and they're like, I fucked this person up. Which one? I was like the guy with the hat. And I was like, I fought him. And I was like, the other guy. And they're like, well, how many were there?

And I was like, there's so many men. I don't even know what to tell the story. The one with tits. The one with tits. The hot one with the fucking sloppy decletage. Yeah, I fucking got it. I've been beating up a few times. By the way, that's why I'm a comedian.

I don't understand like, I've been in up a few times I by the way, that's why I'm a comedian. I don't understand like I've been in so many fights so many so many like how many At least a dozen or more it easy Maryland's a very angry place I've been in a lot of fist fights in my life growing up type in most Educated states and see where Maryland falls on this. Keep going. But because parts of Marilyn are probably hot. We got Hopkins and you got. So take me back to some good fist fights.

You want to hear the craziest fight I've ever seen in my life? At preekness. This is like fucking scary shit. I want to hear about this more than I want to hear about my wife's day. Marilyn's number two. Number two. Most educated state. Wow. I did not see. All right. Number two. Most educated state.

Wow. I did not see. Never coming. No, hell no. Hold on. What are you? Do not show us 50. Do not give me the bottom five educated states. All right. Bucky. I've educated Florida. Florida. Oh, no, no, I actually know one. I won't say it out loud because I know when it's not like a hate crime, because I like this place. but everyone shits on it

Last ones mississippi. Okay, the last one's and I like Mississippi I'm gonna throw Alaska in only because of the amount of people in there. It's so intelligent Yeah, I think that one is in there Alaska What do we say mississippi? Florida's in there. I'll go Alabama Okay, and then I'm gonna throw like a remote, like, maybe a South Dakota. Ooh, that's my wild card.

The answers are Alabama. Last Virginia, how we missed it? Marguerite's the best. It's all that pocket. Jesus Christ, that's all the states that touch you. That's actually a hate crime when you look at it. That's a hate states that touch you. That's actually a hate crime when you look at it. That's a hate crime against white people. But the last state, the fucking, just look at this.

It's South Carolina, Nevada, Oklahoma, Kentucky, Alabama, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, West Virginia's last. Type in, I bet if you put in, I bet those are equi-distant equi, I bet they're adjacent to states with the worst dental plans. That's fair, that's fair. By the way, I think, I think, I think fucking knowledge.

Put down, I think Dennis or Quacks, okay? I think Dennis are fucking Bill Jacking Quacks. I think Dentistry is overrated. I don't think that- That is- That is- That is- That is- That is- That is- That is- Quacks. I think dentistry is overrated. I don't think dentists are like mechanics for your mouth and they just overshoot you on everything. Bro, yeah, dentists are fuck. They don't even do the work anymore. I go to the dentist twice a year. I want to hear about this fist fight. You're going to

talk about dentistry. But the the the what do you call it? The hygienist does everything. The dentist comes in and goes, yeah, okay, yep, all right, looks good. And he leaves. I'm like, I tell her every time, like, where, where, where, where, you're qualified to do what he just did. Yeah, you don't use to be just get your teeth cleaned. When I'm just a kid, it was just get your teeth cleaned.

Now you go in and they're like, you need this, you need this, it's all about the upsell. You grind your teeth at night, you're like, I don't know, I'm asleep. How the fuck would I know what if they say to me all the time? Do you grind your teeth? Like, shouldn't you be able to tell? Yeah, wouldn't there be some wear in there?

Wouldn't I be complaining about my jaw or headache or something in the morning if I grind my teeth? My dentist said to me the other day, he goes, you water pick? And I went, yeah, he goes, don't brush a lot, do you? I said, boy, water pick. And he goes, it's not the same. I went, wait, how did you know?

And he goes, I can tell, I'm a dentist. And I was like, bullshit, I call my wife. I go, you tell him that I'm a brush- I go, ha ha ha ha! She goes, no, I told him you water-pick. I go, that motherfucker. He's fucking out my wife said something's wrong with the car. Yeah.

Now it's making this noise. Yeah, and he just comes in and did a magic trick to me. I bet. Type in. By the way, do you get nitrous at the dentist? No, he won't even give it to me. Okay, last time I went for a cleaning, I just, the girl was so nice, I just randomly go,

am I allowed to get nitrous? She goes, you want nitrous? I go, well, you just said it like we're about the party, she goes, oh my God, it's the greatest thing ever. 40, I'm 48 now. First time my life I ever had nitrous. Best time I've ever had it. Listen, I'm usually very good at it.

I'll fall asleep in the chair when they clean my mouth. I'm good. My teeth are good, but I had never had nitrous. And she's like, I could put you up to a five. I'm like, bump that out. And I was like, I still don't feel it. And she's like, are you serious? She bumped it up and I was like, oh my God.

I started laughing. And I was like, oh, here we go. This is, yeah. You just created the new two bears, one cave, Ryan Sikler challenge. Ha ha ha ha. Gentlemen and ladies, see if you can put your finger in your spouse's mouth while they sleep and get a picture.

Ha ha ha ha. And then send it to us. That's the two bears, one cave, Ryan Sikler challenge. Can you get a finger in their mouth while they're sleeping and a picture like a selfie? And a selfie, that's gonna be tough. I'm just gonna be tough, I'm trying this weekend, I'm trying to, we're camping, I'm just gonna put my finger

in her mouth. How did we get there? Are you being serious? Nendob, so Ryan just says he can fall asleep in the dentist office and I was like, you probably could not fall asleep with someone's fingers in my mouth. Like I got a deep, that's what I'm, no, I could not fall sleep with someone's fingers in my mouth. Like I got that time and a dead.

Could not fall sleep with someone's fingers in my mouth. Let alone if a finger is in my mouth, I think it will wake me up. However, for Ryan Sikler does not wake him up. So here's the challenge. All right, I see the connection now. You see it? Yeah, by the way, I have a joke that I won't say. I have a joke that I won't say.

God damn it, man, when we first started podcasting, you could say anything. Yeah, you could say anything. You could say, I mean, I'm sure that's gonna come with up. By the sudden, he asked one day, but like, God damn it, I missed those days a little bit. Not a lot. I think I'll tell you the one thing I will say A little bit of self-awareness is not a bad idea. No

Now growing as a person is not a big thing. I said on this part. Oh the first 17 You got a text from I got a text from you. I almost called, come on. Yeah, I, at nine o'clock in the morning to say, yeah, how do you say your name? Do you realize how bad that looks? That was a thought. I had, that was a thought.

See, I can't take back that thought. And I go, and I don't want to edit it out because I do think it's fucking, it made me laugh so hard. But I go, why would you think that? Like that like why would you what's wrong with your thinking Like thinking my thinking is off like if I say I'm not gonna do it But let me just say this. This is where I fall into this whole racism everything like I Don't think anything that we said was racist. No, okay, they're first ignorant

I don't think anything that we said was racist. No, well, they're first wrong. Ignorant, oh yeah. Is different than racist. Every, I feel like everything today is thrown into racism, that's racism. Well, sometimes I'm just ignorant about cultures or even things that I don't know about. It doesn't have to be a person or a culture.

It's just, I don't know about cars. I'm ignorant, that's a that's a transmission You know, I can't when I grew up we call the transmission a tranny. I can't even say that anymore Yeah, I can't even say that anymore. I can only say that like at a junkyard or at an auto dealership I can't say that on any two of other places if I'm talking about it Anywhere else I'm an asshole. I had someone say to me, they were talking about what I know. I'm certain I've said this somewhere. Someone goes, you know, it's good that, you know, we're getting some more out of our

language, like the R word. And I was like, which one's that? And they're like, wait, what do you think the hard word was, and I go red skin? And they're like, no, that's, and I, because we said that on that, I was like, were you talking about, oh, never mind, never mind, never mind.

But I like, I'm just, there's, like, but there's the other part of it is like, I'm not worried, because I think that both those guys know us and they know we're comics and they know we're trying to have fun. They're not gonna get outraged, theyged. They're not like there's nothing we said bad about them. It's all about us Yes, I'm the fucking idiot. I'm a space-timed him. You did face time them face time them Packed your fist fight. All right Craziest fight I've ever seen been a part of

If you know about pre-tness, pre-tness is the second leg of the triple crown, the horse race in Baltimore, right? I love this story so much. And you've got the Kentucky Derby and their hats and their drinks and then you come up to Baltimore and you got like, it's in, it's in a neighborhood that you would not go to unless you were going to the horse track. Okay, what are you looking up? What are you looking up? Triple crown Baltimore. That's a street. That's a street triple crown. No, no, no, that's a triple crown.

You are gonna be so amazed when you see the real triple crown. You're gonna be like this isn't Triple crown court in Baltimore, Maryland Someone's real house. This is the Triple Crown. It's a horse race. Second leg of the Triple Crown. Triple Crown is the Kentucky Derby pre-knot and then the Belmont Stakes, right? That's if you win those three, that's American Farrow.

Finally did it. You know, that's your Triple Crown. So you beat Rose? How do you know all this? Well, we go to the second leg is in Baltimore. It's the pre-pious, right? So you know coming into pre-pious, who already won the Derby and it's a fun day.

You go down, but you get on a school bus at eight o'clock in the morning and you pay a premium for kegs in the back. How are you talking about you as a child? Like you go, we get on a school bus and I'm like, they take you to the pre-pious. A doll to get on a school bus. In our 20s, renting a school bus and I'm like, take it to the pre-dolts. A dolt to get on a school bus. In our 20s, renting a school bus, a shit load of us rent like three school buses.

That's how many of us are rowing deep. And then you get the kegs on whatever. And then this is why I'll never quit drinking. This is this story right here, so romantic to me. I figured you would like this. That's how the day starts. Okay, okay, let's start it backwards. Like I wanna know everything. See I get up at like six. That's how the day starts. Oh, okay. Okay. Let's start it backwards. I want to know everything.

I get up at like 6.30 in the morning. I want to write a book. I want to write a book, a collection of stories of great day drinking events that comedians have had. And this has- I've had a bunch of these, but this is the wildest of all of these. So you get up at what time for this? Probably like 6.30. I love an alarm that's waking you up to drink. a bunch of these, but this is the wildest of all of these. So you get up at what time for this?

Probably like 630. I love an alarm that's waking you up to drink. To get breakfast and then you get to the bus. Big heavy breakfast, you gotta have a sturdy breakfast. You have to. Because you don't know what's, listen, the pre-kneast, the actual main race. So they sell these shirts at the end of the,

that say horses, they're were horses there because people would just get fucked up. I bet. Okay, they pack 100, there were horses there, because people would just get fucked up. I bet. Okay, they pack 100,000 people in that infield. 100,000, okay, where we sit, these days, it's in the grandstands. Back then, it was 100,000 of us on the infield. And prior to that, so, all right,

so we get on the bus, what time? Like 7, 30, eight o'clock. No cocktail before the bus. Cocktail, first cocktail on the bus. First cocktail on the bus. Maybe a joint before, settle yourself down, little wake and bake, and then boom, drink the bus.

Right, and you're drinking the whole ride down. You're just pumping the keg, everybody. What kind of beer, no one cares? No one cares, what kind of beer? I love it, I love it. Okay, so you're going all day long. Red solo cups. Red solo cups.

Sun glasses. Sun glasses. What kind of shirt are you wearing? It's hot, it's what you're going all day long. Red solo cups. Red solo cups. Sunglasses. Sunglasses. What kind of shirt are you wearing? Lot, it's hot. And you're gonna be there all day. So you're wearing, and the morning is chilly. So you gotta maybe a little hoodie,

a T-shirt, some sweats, but shorts under it. Jeans? No, cause you're gonna take those fucking things off. Cause you're in shorts. Sweats with shorts under it. Okay. So then when you get off the bus,

just the hoodie you're never gonna see again I love this. I love this get rid of clothes behind We do that at least to do that at at at at morning crawl Yeah, where we take put on an outfit that had like four layers and we knew we were gonna lose parts of it by the day By the end of the day that's that outfit is gone Or as they say in Baltimore going going so We're on the bus we we go down, you get, you know, there's a big bus lot you park, and then you have to go through the,

this is, you remember, this is 20 some years ago, 25 years ago, you gotta go through the ticket stall, like the thing. But back then, if a woman talked back, you get hitter, you go, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What we used to do, and they would allow you, is the, you know, the recycle trash cans, you have here with the wheels, hit her, keep going. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 40 people go on your bus and there's a hundred of you total. You're there's no way everyone's staying together. Once you get there, it's all right.

Now let's get to our micro crew and we'll run around. We'll meet girls, we'll whatever. We'll have a good time. We'll slip up, maybe make some bets. A little trifect on this. I love, I love. 10 bucks on a long shot. Just shit like that to have fun.

Cause there's races, the main race, that pre-gness race, isn't till the end of the fucking day. It's like four or five o'clock. But you've been there since 8 a.m. and you are shit faced. And depending on who you are, our crews got shrooms, guys are tripping on acid, whatever you want.

We've got the weed in there now, whatever, right? So we're in there, we're partyin' and if you actually in the dove, if you don't mind, look up the running of the urinals. It's a thing, I know what this is. You know what it is? I know what this is. Where do you get on the top and try to run across all of it?

They spread the cross and people take unopened beers and throw them at you. Yeah, and they kill you. Kill you. And this is the pregness. This is at the pregness. This is fucking brilliant. And by the way, that's the TV show I wanna do.

Like if you're asking travel channel, would you like to get back into television? I do. And I wanna only do shit like running of the urinals. Keep going. By the way, this podcast, I do not want this podcast to end. This is so fucking fascinating.

You have no idea how excited my first beer is gonna be today. I'm all looking forward to it. Keep going. Well, a good friend of mine is an electrician at preekness. And after this running of the urinals a couple years, they're like, bro, they made him. He physically had to go separate the urinals

so that you couldn't run across them anymore. Like, no one thought of that for a few years. Like, and maybe if we just put them 10 feet apart, five feet apart, they can't do it anymore. So he had to do that, unfortunately, ended the running of the urinals. But, so we're drinking, we're getting fucked up as always. That is standard.

You're just getting annihilated. Then you have to fucking, someone's gotta be sober enough to remember your bus number and where the fuck it parked in the lot, okay? But we're not the only, it's a sea of buses, people from all over the state and wherever are renting buses, right? And they're doing the same thing we're doing, getting fucked up from the moment they wake up until the moment they get back on that bus.

And now, the moment to get back on the bus is here and we all start heading out. Now in my group, the people I'm most concerned with are me, my two brothers and my two cousins. A couple close friends outside of that, I don't give a fuck what happens to anybody else. So we're parked and it's a row of buses. We're in this bus, we're facing this way like this. There's a bus right here to our left, okay? We don't know any of those people, but that bus is packed and as we're slowly getting on our bus

You know, there might be six people eight people. They're slowly coming in. There's a dozen I'm watching this bus over here and this bus is packed and here comes this guy and girl that know these people They're friends with these people and they walk into the bus and I don't know what said, I don't know what happened, but the bus, the all the people got up at one time like almost like there was, is an animal and it, they grabbed this guy, they fucked him up. I mean they are beating this guy and I'm just we're all in our bus like holy shit and they're killing this guy Like a pirate ship like all of a sudden you hit the bus one over and he's the only one who's there and see him anymore You just see people doing this and then they throw him out of the bus store down

You know those wicked stairs. Oh he goes down his face and here comes his girlfriend right behind him And I was like all right, we're not. Don't look at them. Don't talk to them. They just beat up a woman and throw on top of the guy they kicked his ass first. Like, don't fuck with these people. Uh, op. So, but, but where as close as we are, they're bus windows or, you know, that bus when you

pinch and pull, we're right here. It is close. You know what I mean? Any closure on this story, bros. They start looking at us and then they start spitting at our windows the fuck you the poop So we're just we're just shutting up I'm like don't fight back just put the windows up just put them up But there's this one kid and I'm not gonna say his full name. His name was Joe and Joe never liked me and I never cared for him.

But only because he didn't like me. I had no beef against the guy. He just didn't like me, but he was a loud mouth punk and he started running his mouth. And we're like, bro, shut the fuck up. Shut up. They're gonna get there. They just they just killed two. That was probably his sister.

You know what I mean? They don't care. They don't even know us. Did you just see what they did? Animals. Bro, this guy keeps running his mouth and I go get the fuck off the bus then. If you're a man, you go over there and deal with that shit.

This guy gets off the fucking bus, okay? Now more people on our bus, maybe 20, 25 people. But this bus is bad. And we're bus locked. we can't get out. No matter what, we're wait, a couple of buses ahead of us got to go before we go anywhere. So we're stuck and we're the last in the line and they're the last. Or, I mean, one by. So Joe gets off the bus and he walks over and he starts running his mouth under the windows.

They're like, get the fuck up here and say that shit to our face. I'm like, come up the bus, bro. And he gets on the bus. He gets on the bus and he's at the front of the bus where the driver sits. And they're like, want you come on back here and we're like, oh my god. And he does, he walks all the way back.

And I mean, three quarters of the way back in that bus. And once he's deep enough, they surround them and they beat the fuck out of him They beat the fuck out of him, okay, he walked on there with clothes When they threw him off all he had on was a pair of short there was shoes socks and a shirt or a gaw Okay They beat him, they beat him was a pair of short. There was shoes, socks, and a shirt or a gaw, okay? They beat him, they beat him. He got up and his nose was pushed to the side of his face over here, okay?

They beat him bad. I'll never forget watching it. It was a Ravens like Monday Night Game where hello DiNata hit Rothless Burger in the helmet and it broke his nose. It pushed his nose over here. They showed it on TV like how far over it was. This dude's nose was like over here.

I'm not kidding you. He's on the ground and he's out. He's done. And now they get off the fucking bus and here they come. And they are fucking bashing our windows, spitting, punching, they're trying to get on our bus. Shit is going crazy. And this dude is laying what I think is dead

and I feel fucking horrible So I'm like somebody's got to get them now. We've got this big black ladies our bus driver and she is not having she's like oh my god Oh, hell no, oh They spit you're not and that's the favorite line. I'll never forget she goes Yo, I get your security deposit back And they're fucking smashing the windows. They're cracking the windshield. It is mayhem.

Now, I'm on the bus. My two brothers on the bus, one cousin's on the bus. My other cousin, Gary, is also deaf, okay? Oh, shut up! He is, he's like, this is a movie. This is a movie. This is a movie. I think this is a fucking movie. We saved, we saved a bullet. It is a movie. This is a movie. I think this is a fucking movie.

What's Andrew Bullock? What's a fucking scene of evil? He just out there with a corn dog. You're like, oh, we're in here. They're like, oh, no, here he is. He is, he's deaf is shit. 90% deaf. Oh my god.

And he's taking his time. He's coming back, drinking his beer. But we're all, remember, we're fucked up. We have been drinking. Does he talk like a deaf person? Oh, yeah, a little bit. He can't say Jimmy Hendrix. He can't.

He says Jimmy Hendel. That's how you pronounce it. Okay. By the way, deaf people have the best laugh in the world. The best laugh. Because they don't know what they sound like. So he's just like, it sounds like they're stomping pigeons. Just.

It's the best laugh. It is the best. And by the way, my friend the two of us. By the way, I went to, I had deep dish pizza with two deaf people once and I forgot that there were fans of mine And we in Chicago and I was telling jokes and they're howling laughing in a restaurant and it was it was like I was molesting Like whatever I'm that's not the exact noise, but man, it was deaf people's laugh is the best laugh. So I get off the bus like a moron

because this kid's dead. And I walk through the crowd, I'm going through everybody's doing their thing, I grab him by the wrist and I just drag him across the gravel. You deaf cousin? No, this is the knockdown guy. The naked guy with the subway knows. Yeah, I drag them across to gravel.

Literally dragging them, they put them up. Oh my God. I get up through the back, the emergency. Remember when you wrote a school bus, that was like the day it was like, Fuck it, we get to jump out of the back of us. I remember that. So I get in that way, we shut the door,

and now there's, this is Baltimore. So now, random people who are just passing by the alley in between, are just getting in fight. They're just like, fuck, yeah, they're just, oh my God. So it's mayhem. Now there's maybe 50 people in these two, between these two buses.

Like the path between you and I right now is just going off and This lady starts to bus she don't give a fuck She's like I don't give a fuck if everybody's on this bus or not the bus in front of us leaves, right? My cousin what he's just you know me andering through the fucking thing and then like anyone would until you see this dust up and He walks in and we're like Gary anyone would until you see this dust up and he walks in and we're like Gary Gary and he can't hear shit we're up in the bust like wave and trying to get him like Gary and he's just walking and he sees but he's a Baltimore kid born and bred and someone's dead someone pushes him and he's just like yeah and

now he's in there and he's fucking everybody and I'm at the window here and I'm reaching down the bus when I'm grabbing his hair. I'm like, Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! There's a shark! I'm like, Gary! And he finally sees this boy get on the bus. Now all five of us are accounted for. I don't give a fuck anymore. They are fashionists.

But our bus looks like it was on Jackass. You know what I mean? I did that bus. Annihilated. This woman's scream mean? I did that bus, I did that bus. I annihilated that. This woman's screaming, she fucking throws that thing in drive, the cops show up. Now the cops are pepper sprayin' everybody in between

and shit's in our, like get the fuck and she just punches the gas and gets us the fuck out of there. Okay. We had another bus with us, but so many people were left behind when they showed up, we all met at like this parking ride. Our bus looked like, like, Richard Pryor's bus and the bus and the loose. Their bus is all trash.

And there's like a hundred people. They're sitting in the aisles. There's three to a seat. Like they packed them in there. And came back and that's the craziest fucking fight I've ever seen. Oh man. I got nothing to talk about. I'll tell you this one, you'll like this one.

This was the last night. Now this one I'm really in, I've been in a lot, but this one was one of my favorites. I worked at UPS the whole time I was in college, shout out to UPS Baltimore Hub primary one, Joe Avenue. And I could never get off. I was a supervisor and you don't miss. So I had a friend of mine's mom call and say that I was working

for them as a delivery driver, which I was also, and then I got picked up on a bad plate and they were holding me at this cell. So I couldn't get to work. That was the excuse I had to use to get out of fucking being a supervisor at UPS, just so I could go drink with my brother one last night before I moved to California.

Do you realize what different white people we are? Yes. I've never used, I got picked up on a bad plate and I'm in a holding slug. I just said, I shit my pants. Ha, ha, ha. Well, they were, they were, they were, they were on the junkyard and they were cycler tags.

So you could just take one and throw it on any car you wanted. So it was a thing we made up. I get out of work, I go out of my brother that night. This is, the Orioles are good at this time, right? So I'm in the bar, I'm watching, we're in Towson. It's me, my brother, a few girls, couple guys, and there's this one guy that I don't really care for, but he's there, and my brother's playing pool

against these, my brother and his dude, I don't really like, and these other two strangers playing pool. And my brother misses this easiest shot. And the guy's like, yeah, no, he shot. And my brother, he had, the guy had his beer sitting on the edge of the pool tape. My brother just takes a stick and just, without even, he just knocks it off and goes,

we think of that shot. I was like, oh, here we fucking go. I had those balls. Here we fucking go. I wish I had those balls. Oh, fuck. What do. I had those balls. Here we fucking go. I wish I had those balls. Oh, fuck. What is that shot?

Do you realize how quickly I would be next to that pure, underground doing? So it's even again, huh? So they get heated, things ramp up a little bit. I don't really care, but they go outside. And my friend, Nikki, comes in and she's like, Ryan, your brothers, or they're fighting the one guy, and I'm like, I don't care about that guy.

And they're like, and then she comes back to like, your brother's in it, I'm like, fuck, goddamn it. I wish I had a brother that I had, I may be a better fighter if I had a brother. Well, if your brother's in it, you gotta go out. Let me rephrase that, my brother would be an awesome fighter for the amount of shit I would have gotten him in. Fair enough.

Yes. It's like how fuck birds getting his ass kicked again. Hold on So I go out now my brother. I'm the runt of the family my brother's like six two, but he's slender and There's this dude's biggest shit this guy. He's fucking and I'm like, oh my brother's gonna get his ass kicked and my brother unleashes this shot and Just drops the dude. I'm like fuck unleashes this shot and just drops the dude. I'm like, fuck, yeah. And then somebody jumps on my back. So I flip this guy over, I get him on the ground,

I just start fucking pummeling his face. Like, I don't even care, I'm just going for it. Well, what I don't know while I'm fighting, so my friend Nikki standing right there, this turned her on so much too. This, I see a plaid, cause it was 90s. I see a plaid flannel, grabbed my arms. I make the slight mistake thinking it's somebody

from my group pulled me off this guy, but it's not. It's his buddy. So his buddy and then another buddy show up, and I'm fighting all three of them, and I'm doing just fucking fine. I'm crushing them, and I'm saying shit. Later. I'm crushing them. And I'm saying shit. Later, I'm saying shit like three on one, that's the kind of shit I fucking like, but I won't let their guy go.

I'm like, you can break my head open, but this guy's gonna fucking die. I would be like, three on one seems super unfair. Time out, time out. Can you call a time out? And I'm hell, no. And I'm doing this thing where his head's just enough off the ground. So when I hit it, it hits. It's a double hit.

So I'm bashing his face and giving him a concussion. I'm going for it. And I'm stoked that there's three of them on me. And then the cops come, we get the fuck out of there. And my brother looks good. But then he turns to the side. And he is, I call him Kennedy. His mother fucking whole side, his face is gushing blood.

I'm like, what the fuck happened? I saw you drop that guy's like some dude came behind me that wasn't even part of the cruise, that asshole, and just sucker punched my brother and dropped him. So we're riding back and everyone's comparing everyone, just me and my brother. All the other guys we hung out with were pussy. He's like, I go to one guy, I'm like,

where the fuck were you? He's like, I want to get the car. I said, get the fuck. I've done that before. I want to get the car. I mean, actually, you're the guy who actually friends with that. We're gonna need to get the car guys.

There's tennis records in the back. I'll get, well, that's fine. This motherfucker did, he didn't drive the car over. He didn't go get it. He went to get in the car. There's a big difference. I got pulled out of my car one time and my buddy, I'll say his name.

BEEP. Took the car to go get other people. And I was like, I'm gonna beat up here. Yeah. Where are you going in my car? I had another fall, let me finish this one. So I, we're comparing, at all I have, are just bloody knuckles and my brothers like, that's it.

And Nicky's like, oh my God, you should have heard him. He was over there talking about three on one. That's what I like. I was like, you like that huh? She's like, I like that shit. I'm like, this is so cool. She looks at you and she's like, two on one tonight.

I like to talk. And you and your brother are in the same time. We're gonna be talking more fucking tonight. But I did add another fight too. Was at an indoor soccer game. My father was there. And these kids were talking shit to us or whatever, and I go, listen, we had just beat him,

and this guy kept running his mouth, and we had had beef with him a couple weeks before. So it was all, it not being a setup, which I didn't know. I walked into a setup, but I walked over to my dad, I'm like 16, I go, hey, hold my bag real quick, this guy wants to fight me outside,

I'm gonna go out with his ass, my dad's like, all right, be careful, and he just goes back to talking to whoever he's talking to. So I go outside and there's the guy standing there and I'm just not that dude like if we're fighting with that all that looks good, whatever. So I walk out and he's like, oh, alright, I'm just I don't I do what that girl did to me. We don't talk. We're just fucking punch me right in your mouth. I get on top of him and I just start beating him and then in hindsight now I know what happened, but I heard car doors closing and the next thing I know there's a bunch of people on my back beating the fuck out of me So what happened was he lured us out. They were all waiting there. I've been lured. Yeah for so I'm beating the fuck out of this guy

There I still have a scar back here from it. They had their high school rings. They turned them around. They were fucking beating my head. I went to my car, got my lacrosse stick. I'm hitting everybody. I could listen, parents are fist fighting. Parents are throwing kids.

It's mayhem. It's fucking mayhem. The place calls the police. They're all coming. We're all our parents. They're like, get the fucking cars. Get out of here. But yeah, I've got a wicked scar there still from that.

But I've been lured, I've been lured. My story doesn't sound quite as tough, but my, I was running documents from my dad's legal firm. It's already down. Just say, run in numbers for your dad. Just say that. Change it. They've run in numbers for my dad. And I come back. I come back. It's like four o'clock. I'm getting ready to be done for the day. And I go in in his secretary, Jan was like,

uh, hey, these kids are out back in their, um, shooting babies at our cars. Can you go scare them? And I was like, I'm 17 years old. I go, yeah, I go scare them. So I go out and I go, hey, they're in, no, my dad's office was, say it at sea level. This backyard, it was in forest hills, it was like below sea level. So it was a lower backyard than where my dad's office was. So I go out and they're like probably 10 years old,

maybe 12, I'm 17, maybe they're 13 and they're like, and they have BB guns. I go, hey guys, don't shoot BB guns at the car, and the kid just goes, and shoots me in the chest, I go, I go, hey, don't shoot me, and then his buddy lifts up his BB gun, and shoots me, and I go, shoot me one more time, and I'm gonna fucking jump over here and kick your ass, and they'll go, we'll get a few shots in first. I go do it and they start giggling. I go, that's what I fucking thought. So I go inside, I get my last run for the day,

I get my little envelope, I walk out to the car and they're in the back and they're standing on a picnic table and they're like, in their backyard and they're like, hey, hey, you know what they said? They didn't say, like, hey, excuse me, mister. Yeah. Hey, F word and you're like, did you just call me Farley? Or, and so, and I was like, what's up? And they're like did you just call me Farley or and so and I was like what's up?

They're like you still gonna kick our asses and I go you shoot me one more time I will and the kids is real slowly takes his gun So I go to jump over the fence and as I jump over the fence They're 22 year old brother comes running around the corner like oh god Jump in my car I locked the door. I'm like fuck I let the documents on the door on this fence Fucking zoomed away for the next five years every time I went to my dad's office I parked in a different spot so those kids couldn't see come on every five years I'm like I'm not a tough guy. I'm just a regular.

I'm a regular guy. Like I'm a regular guy. I say this all the time. Can I tell you? This is what I think more people need to get in touch with is there is a very finite amount of tough guys out there. The vast majority of us are the guys getting our ass kicked. All of us think we can fight.

But none of us can. Like, you know, I used to joke around Kevin Hart, like boxing and stuff, you know, and Andrew Schultz boxing, didn't have that on podcast, but I'd make fun of the door buddies or whatever, what are the fuck are they doing? They actually can fight, like they can punch anyone who can box and throw punches and nose to keep your hands up

and nose to pivot on a hook or what, like that shit, that is so impressive to me. Because I've been living my whole life, almost like, blinded to the fact that I could not defend myself. But I was living like I could. It's almost like you get into the beach and they're like, I was fun. They're like, there were sharks all over the place.

I didn't know that. Now I don't want to go in the water. I realized my capabilities. Well, did you get beat up young? No, see every every I listen. I think every boy and girl Should have their ass kicked when they're young It's the greatest thing because it's very it's to be a fun job to have just beating up children beating up kids Number one 40 grand a year and you just went to grade schools. You're like, hey, who's a tough guy here? And they're like Bryce and you're like, what happened?

I got you right into problem anymore. Brice in the problem. That's it. It's the guys that like like Jay Larson Never been punched in the face and I'm like, I can't believe you never had right it makes so much sense But I've been punched in the face. I've no one to shut the fuck up. There's a line that some men I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face.

I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face.

I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face.

I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in the face. I've been punched in another tougher girl, you think you're the shit. One punch is usually enough like, oh, okay, that, that, that. Leanne talks shit to a man with adult braces and I go, why are you doing? She was like, what, fuck him? And I was like, no, no, no, no, you're not reading the room. He's got adult braces.

That meant his parents didn't give a fuck about him. He was a kid to fix his smile. The easiest thing, I go, we got our kids braces, the second the second we could right his parents didn't give a fuck about him You know why they might break some more of his teeth and I go this is a man who's trying to get his life together Don't have enough money for dentures right and he's like I'm gonna fucking get my shit together I'm gonna get my teeth straight number one. I'm gonna get my teeth straight and then I can enter the fucking world like a regular human being And I go and you're taunting him. You're trying to draw him back in like fucking dinner. And you're gonna have to fight him.

Yeah, I go, I'm not, I'm not. I'm not like, I'm gonna do Jitsu lessons because I haven't, you know I haven't. And I can't defend myself. She's like, oh, just take a swing. Don't take a swing. I don't swing at you because I'm afraid I'm gonna miss. Ha ha ha.

Sean Flannery is the guy. When I was a little kid, this is so funny because just recently, his son reached out to me. He used to live across the street and we were in elementary school. One day, I ran my mouth to him. I said, you're stupid or that was stupid.

He goes, say it again and I said it again and he beat the shit out of me in my own yard. I went in, I'm crying and my dad's pissed off because he just wants to watch the fucking Oreo games. I went in, I'm crying in my dad like, and my dad's pissed off because, you know, he just wants to watch the fucking Oreo games, working doubles and shit, is the 80s. Like, we were good in 83, we won the World Series. And he's like, yeah, you know, you can't be coming over here

beating my kids up on my property. Go over to your fucking house and do that shit. So, Ryan, you wanna go for a replay? You're like, no. I learned though. I learned from Sean Flannery. And one day I climbed up on top of my grandmother's mint green Buick and I jumped off that motherfucker and Jimmy snook at him and then I beat the fuck out of him.

And then ever since then, it was back and forth. He would win. I would win. He would win. So his son reached out to me recently and goes, Hey, man, my dad said that he grew up across the street from you. And there was a time that you got up on your grandma's van and you jumped off and beat his ass. And I said, Well, your dad's misremembering. It was my grandmother's Buick, but I Jimmy Snook at his ass. He's like, Oh, my God, this

is the greatest story. So I hit his dad up and I told him and he wrote to I put it on my Instagram. He's like, I took my ass whoopens from Ryan and his twin brother too, but we did. We went back and forth. But it's taught me like I knew the I still like I said, I've been in a lot of fights, but even then I knew, yeah, we're going. We're going to go because this guy doesn't fucking know when to stop. But I do. I know when to shut up. I'm good on that. I'll walk away.

Well, I wish someone had shut me up earlier in this podcast You needed to saw a flannery, bro. Yeah, I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a Zoom call to start right now one hour 17 minutes of a podcast. This was a fucking banger Thank you for having no no. Thank you, man I am not good when Tom's not here because I don't know how to interact and it needs to be a certain type of person Dude hit it out of the park I love you brother I love you too thank you to bear's one cave. No scripts to be the booze amateur, fatology, dirty jokes,

ranchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call to bear's one cave.