2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 85 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Mark Normand

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code BEARS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Go to https://Whoop.com and use code "Bears” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free at https://ExpressVPN.com/CAVE - Get 15% off your order at https://BuyRaycon.com/bears - Go to https://Public.com/2BEARS to download the app and get a free slice of stock when you join! - Go to https://MillerLite.com/CAVE to find delivery options near you. It's Miller Time. - Go to https://cbdMD.com and use code BEARS for 25% off your purchase of superior CBD products Mark Normand joins Tom Segura in as a guest host for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. Mark and Tom discuss touring with Bert Kreischer, life in New York City, writing jokes, the experience of having kids, and more!

It's funny too, because, you know, everybody things were out on the road partying, but we're really in a days in at 2am after a show. Looking at the lines of Nascar, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, they always think we're having fun. It's like, you know, we're just getting weird alone. 100%. It is so good to not look at a shirtless bloated mess. There he is.

There he is. It's amazing he's still alive. It really is. I wonder what the insurance was like to before he went on this film, because they always give you, if you're starring in a movie, even if you're just actually in the cast,

you go get a physical and they're like, this guy about to die. Yeah. And then it affects the insurance of the production. And like, that had to be a pretty pricey. I know, but it's so annoying because he would kill that physical. And that's where you're like,

I know. Mother fucker. Yeah. What's going on? That's why I'm worried he's gonna drop dead or something. Yeah, it's gonna be real. It's gonna be a shock. Yeah.

But then it won't be. Cause you'll be like, oh yeah, he was supposed to be dead for a while. That funeral is gonna be weird. Like, yeah, we know. That's gonna be the u-logy. Yeah, yeah, we'll be like, yeah, I spent a lot of funerals gonna be weird, like, yeah, we know. That's gonna be the u-logy. Yeah, I'm gonna be like, yeah, I spent a lot of time with them and I always thought it was gonna be that. Yeah, yeah, it's annoying.

It's like the guy who doesn't gain weight, he eats at the buffet, he eats ass, he eats pussy, never gains weight, and then, yeah, he's just always skinny. He's that guy with booze and... Right, that guy's really the skinny guy, so fucking, and I have an uncle who has, like, he way, I don't know the weight, but it's gotta be like 160, and he's in his 70s, he's never gained weight,

like his entire life and runs and everything. He just had like a heart procedure, and he was like, I don't understand how I could have any problem with my heart. And you're like, oh yeah, I mean, I guess they can still happen to you, right? Okay, so he did have a problem. Well, he had a problem, I guess, with his arteries,

but he's like, he's like, but I'm physically fit. So what the fuck, you know? Every fat guy's like, yeah. We're all celebrating. Yeah. How about the guy was like, oh, I smoked for, I smoked every day, I ate eggs and bacon for breakfast,

every, I lived 104. That guy, that guy I kind of admire. I do too. Because I know that I can't be him. I mean, it's all like a genetic thing. So one of my friends, grandad, he lived to 96, drank, smoked cigars, ate red meat, like just eight,

and lived like a savage, 96. Wow. Pretty good. But I mean, that's a genetic advantage, I think. It's not that, you know what I mean? There was a guy on one of these good morning America shows. He was a hundred and four, one of those things were like, we're gonna visit an oldest fuck guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they go, we're up to by smuckers. Yeah, they're like, what's the secret? And he was like, I eat ice cream every day. And you're like, yeah. All right. Yeah.

Great. One day I want to see one of those with the guys like, yeah, I'm black. Yeah. That's it. That's why I'm living so long. Well, this guy was black. Ah. I mean, I love, I don't know, because I feel like somebody watches that.

And they're like, oh, ice cream. It's like, yeah, for him, not for you. Right. Exactly. Like, if I ate ice cream every day, I'd be like, I'm 57, I'm on dialysis because I ate ice cream every day. I know. I mean, I don't get weird and change it,

but you know that kid who could just draw? You know, he just could do it, and it looked right, and you're like, how do you do that? And then you draw, and you look like a weirdo special, you're like Michael J. Fox, you know, with a crayon. And you're like, how do you just draw? And no lesson, no nothing. It's one of the skills that I have most been like

floored by and admired and you go like, what in the fuck? Yeah. Especially in grade school when you're like, oh, you're not like a refined trained kid because the person I was closest to, my cousin Brian was born two weeks after me, we did everything together.

It's like a natural thing where he's like, we draw a dragon and you're like, oh my God. How did you know to do that and have the perception with the depth and all that shit? We're having fun. You see people go, like, you know, sometimes fans will draw you. And a guy did one of those videos,

like those, you know, the time lapse video. Oh yeah, yeah. Where he's just looking at a picture of me and then the whole thing and I'm like, how do you do that? Like, it's bananas. I can't do it. Can't do it or this now we're getting real deep

in the YouTube and Adderall. But you ever see the guy who just throws a splash of paint and he's doing weird shit with a knife? Yeah. Like what the fuck is it? And then he pulls back and it's a tiger with all the stripes and all the detail and the whiskers and you go, what the fuck?

Or dude, have you ever seen like it in like a farmland thing where you can only see, but like you can, it's either a phrase or it's a drawing of something but you can only see it from like a fucking plane. Yeah. And you're like, well, how would you know where to turn? Right. Yes, yes.

The craziest ones are the lines of Naska. Have you seen that in Peru? No. The lines of Naska. So it's an N-A-Z-C-A, I think. Mm. So these are like world famous, I think that's how you spell it. Yeah, but look at the images.

So like... Oh, wow. Right, and then these have been there for, I don't know, how long, but like how the fuck? How is real? How is that? How the hell are we gonna do that? They have a different brain.

And then you can only see that from the air. I know, so they don't even get the reveal. No, no, no. Or the satisfaction. Yeah, and I've seen like the ones in here, and you know, you'll go to Iowa, and it's just like, fucking go Hawkeyes. Yeah, how did you do it?

How did you do it? But now, at least you got, you can type it in as some, you know, spreadsheet or whatever app that makes it work, but this is, you know, thousands of years old. Yeah. And everybody probably thought this guy was a cook and a witch and a widow, and look at that.

Yeah, I went and saw these once in like a small plane and nearly vomited. Yeah, my dad. That's what black people think we do. That's what white people think. Oh yeah, we do this, we get a small plane, we check these out, it's free. And then I have some white people shit.

Yeah, dude, so we took off in a confiscated drug plane. Oh wow. From Lima and we fly over here at my dad and my girlfriend at the time were with me. And it's a small plane. And so like as we're on the approach to see this, my dad's like, I got a pee. And I was like, uh, didn't you pee before we took off?

He's like, yeah, I gotta go again. So I gotta tell the pilots, I'm like, hey, the old guys got a piss and they're like, come on. Like that. So they had to land in an airfield and get an oil can. And they're like pissing this man. It's funny too, because, you know, everybody thinks we're out on the road partying,

but we're really in a days in at 2am after a show. Looking at the lines of Nascar, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, they always think we're having fun. It's like, we're just getting weird alone. I know you don't really read DMs. Yeah. I'm still kind of new to this whole success thing.

And it's going well. And I read everything because I'm scared to lose one fan. And it's just some guy like, if you want to get a beer before the show, I can show you my knife collection. And I have a snake. Let me know, here's my address and you're like, who would do this? Oh yeah, that's crazy.

Dude, do you know what the, I think the craziest one of those is? Hey man, I saw that you're coming to Salt Lake and you're like, yeah, I'm gonna like, do you wanna stay with me? Oh! And you're like, what? Big one. Do I wanna stay with you? And they're like, yeah, I got an extra room like, no, dude one. Do I want to stay with you?

And they're like, yeah, I got an extra room like, no, dude. First of all, I don't know you. You're right. You don't think there's a hotel involved in my travels? Yeah, I mean, you start to feel bad for women, because you're like, oh, this is what they deal with from dudes. Yeah, yes, yes. And we're doing it, and it's not even sexual.

It's just weirdo. Yeah, it's weirdo. Yeah, and it's not, look, sometimes it's just ladies who are like, do you want to stay at my place? And you're like, but no. Yeah, it's weirdo. Yeah, and it's not, and look, sometimes just ladies who are like, do you wanna stay in my place and you're like, but no. Yeah, no. How do you tell a woman like, I wanna put it a dick in your vagina and then leave after.

I think you just did. Oh, okay. That's the way to do it. But they don't think we wanna do other stuff. Yeah. That's all I really want. I'm sorry. I'm wired, that's how I'm wired. I'm a human being male.

Do you always split after? Well, I'm dating a gal. I'm seeing. I'm a human being male. Do you always split after? Well, I'm dating a gal I'm seeing a guy gal now, but I would just I would always go to their house because you got to get out of it You got to get out when they're at your house. They're like Should I make breakfast or should we you know color or whatever? And I do a puzzle. I'm like a puzzle. Yeah, I used everything I had to get you naked like charm wise I'm checked out a bankrupt. I'm checked out, I'm bankrupt. I'm totally out of it, yeah.

Yeah, that's why I always say women should have to hit on us after sex, because we bring the heat, where we're doing stories and jokes and trying to get charming and all that. And then we go back to your house, we have sex, it's amazing, and then men want to leave. And this is when you should have to be like, all right, what's your sign?

You know, like what's your movie? Because we did it now, we want to leave. And now you're in our shoes. Yeah, take over. You take the lead now. Yeah, you saw what I did this whole time. Yes. And I'm spent, I'm literally out of come.

I don't have any left. Oh, come out. That's all my juice, that's my power, that's what it is. And the inspiration is gone. Right, right. And they're like, what do you want to do? And I'm like, I got nothing Oh, come out. That's all my juice, that's my power, that's what it is. Yeah, and the inspiration is gone. Right, right, and they're like, what do you want to do? And I'm like, I got nothing, you come up with something. Yeah, yeah, I used everything I had over there. Yeah, I think we should put this message out there more.

Ladies, this time to step it up. Step it up after, after, because you had a free ride before because the guy was like, hey, let's get dinner. What do you do for a living? Here's a funny story about that. Here's the joke. Now it's your turn. Yeah, I would get dinner. What do you do for a living? Here's a funny story about that. Here's a joke. Now it's your turn. Yeah, I remember the one time that I got picked up

by a chick in New York. It was on St. Paddy's day. Yeah. And she came over. It was so, I'm with a friend. And these two girls, cute, came over, sat on our laps and they're like, you guys are cute. And we were like, wow.

That easy. Dude, it was so amazing. They took us back to their place. They had like some fucking three bedroom like nice midtown apart and I was like, holy shit. I go in with this girl, he goes in with the other girl. We have sex. I know this is amazing.

Were they in a blackout? I mean, I'd say patties. It's saying patties. No, they were like, here's the funny part was, I can't believe it's happening. Yeah. I didn't try to do this. Usually my life was like trying, right? This is not to get one of these in life. Dude, this is how it ends up. So we have sex. It's not amazing, but it's, you know, it's sex. Sure. And then when I was, when we were done, we're like laying there in her bed and she's like, whatever, and I start saying something. I don't remember what I said, but I'm like,

yeah, did you see the blah, blah, blah, and she goes, you don't have to talk. Ah! And I was like, what? And then I go, okay, and I went to sleep. And then the next morning, she was like, yeah, I'm making some eggs if you want them. And I was like, okay. And then I run into my friend in the, she was like, yeah, I'm making some eggs if you want them. I was like, okay.

And then it was like, then I run into my friend in the, in the, I'm like, yeah, you're not, he's like, I got blown like three times. How about you? I was like, I fuck her, I don't know. He's like, and this is one of the year. Yeah, it was pretty great. I'm like, Caitlin Jenner.

This is it. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, it was pretty amazing. But like, that is one of those, you know, it was never like that any other time. Yeah, of course, never again, but this is up there with like when the guy, the hillbilly's like,

they took me up with a spaceship and they put a problem on his and you're kind of like, I don't know if I'm still not sure if I believe you. Yeah, and this is too crazy. Well, I realized like afterwards, I was like, oh, she went out the way that we normally go out. Right. Which was like, I wanna get laid.

And that was like, I think that was like, just like her mission for the night. Like, I wanna get laid, got laid and was like, you can shut the fuck up now. Wow. But it's so, why don't women do this more often? Cause it would just, you'd have a 99% hit rate. I know, you would absolutely have the hit the high here.

But I guess like, this person, this lady was like more comfortable, just going after what she wanted. Not people, you know, a lot of women want to play the game. Right. Right. It's got to be like, well, she was just like, here's what I'm doing tonight. Yeah.

I mean, if I was a lady, I guess that's just not what they're into. They want the four play and the other flirty, but man, that is just so, it's like being gay for a minute. Yeah. Treated like a gay guy when that was a gay dude, and you got picked up. That's why we just know that gays have it the best. Ah, glory holes are socially distant.

Ah, dude. There's no face. There's, like, I have a friend in New York who's gay, and he would, he said that like, you know, oh yeah, I'm going to the park right now to just meet somebody. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, you know, oh yeah, I'm going to the park right now. I'm just meet somebody. I'm like, I'm like, that's incredible. Man.

And I would tell him, like, you realize this never, like this can't happen for us. Like, no, just can't. And you see, I'm jealous. Like, the homophobia, I don't understand, because I'm like, what a great life. The best. You're at a rest stop and you're like, I'm gonna get a snickers and a head and then go back in the car and drive six hours. And he was married to another guy.

And I'm like, what is your husband? He's like, I ain't, that was what's happening. You're like, we're the same, we need to fuck. That's why AIDS was invented. Just to have a payback. We gotta win somewhere. For your awesome fucking lifestyle. Yes.

Exactly. Magic Johnson still living. Crazy. He beat Kobe. He keep. All right, unlike him, that joke landed. All right, we're having fun. Suck it, Ari.

Ah, ha, ha, ha. That's a Kobe joke that got left, you fucking heap. Stupid, Ari. I know, yeah, drug yourself, bitch. Sorry, that's like four years old. So, no, I deserve it, kid, it's him. So, speaking of New York and all the gays and everything there, Yeah, a lot of gays.

You live there, now, do you feel like, because there's major Exodus, you know, like I'm leaving here, a lot of kids. You live there now. Do you feel like, cause there's major exodus, like I'm leaving here, a lot of people have left. New York too, people are leaving New York. Definitely, big dent. In the cards for you, think or no. I don't know, man, it's scary.

I just love New York so much. And I got a cool apartment. I own a place there and, It's addictive. It's an addictive place to live. It is, it is. And like, I love LA, but like, I feel like LA's a visit town.

Same with Austin, Austin's so fun. Sorry, little saving. Yeah, better out. But I live in New York and I go to these fun places, but I like New York because you can't, I don't know, you can't slow down there and I kind of need that. I'm a lazy guy, I'm a drinker, I'm a douche.

So New York kicks you back up and I need that. I go in the woods, you know, be like, I got this great house, it's a chalet in Utah, it's up in Park City and I'm like, I go, this is beautiful, but then I sit there for eight minutes and I go, I wanna kill myself. And I need that constant movement and that's why I like New York.

I get that because I've always lived in, or like, chased living in a city. Yeah, and I mean, like, I need city life. Like, same. Those vacations are fun sometimes, so like, get out, but even like, you know, a week and a, at a, on a beach, I'm like, all right, like, I really wanna get back

to like, where things are happening. I'm the same way, yeah, these guys who need like, downtime and peace and quiet, I, I can recharge in a day and then you're there for another week. And then what? Yeah. Now for me, New York, I've always loved going there,

but it's to me, it's a visit town for me. I got you. That makes sense. Also, like the whole thing is like, you guys, it's like, you live hard. It's not smart. I get it. I totally get it when friends come there, like,

the subway was late, then there was a guy jerking off. It's freezing cold. My hotel room, I open the door, and I hit the bed, you know what I'm like, I get it. It's not. But I love it. You're not meant to live like that, but it's just, I don't know, it's just something about it. I get that energy in me, and I'm like,

all right, I'm back. And I think if you get something out of that city, like if it feeds you, leaving there is kind of like, oh yeah. It's terrifying. Terrifying. Terrifying, like, you know, you go to, I went to Austin, you know, a couple of weeks ago

and you're like, this is cracklin, it's bubbling up, then I want to m-myami and you're like, this is unreal, sun is shining, everybody's happy. But again, I don't care about the beach, the beach does nothing for me. Yeah, I mean, for me like LA, I've lived here a long time, I don't care about the beach. The beach does nothing for me. Yeah, I mean, for me, like LA, I've lived here a long time. I love LA, but it doesn't, I don't have that, like, you know, that feeling that like,

like if I leave LA, you know, I want, how do I operate? I just have to go to another city. Right. Where like, things are happening, where there's life, there's, you know, there's restaurants, there's a scene. Yeah, as long as there's that, I feel like I can live there, you know? Yeah, we do the road, you've been to those towns where you're like, I need a fucking iPhone charger at 2am.

And just, you're fucked. Oh yeah, and your phone dies and you're like, well this is weird. Yeah, no, I literally just had one where I was like, I need an iPhone charger and they were like, like the person at the hotel, like, well where do you get it? And they're like, I don't really know. I'm like, I need an iPhone charger and they were like, like the person at the hotel, I'm like, well, where do you get it? And they're like, I don't really know.

I'm like, don't you have one? Right. Yeah, but I don't remember how I got it. Yeah. I'm like, all right. Exactly. I know. And they're like, I have a sidekick.

Still like, what? You know, it sits on a cradle. I'm like a cradle. You know the weird thing is too, if you do the road a lot. Like sometimes you meet people and they're like, they'll say about their town. They're like, yeah, it kind of sucks here.

And you go like, you know, you can leave. I never got that. And they're like, yeah, I just, I wouldn't know where to go. Or I'm like, there's the fucking whole country. You pick any place. I know. And then you see them like, yeah, I guess I could. Yeah.

They're scared. I have friends here. They've never left the country. They're like, ooh Canada. could. I know. Yeah. It's scared. I have friends here who have ever left the country. They're like, ooh, Canada. I don't know. I gotta get a passport. And did I speak French? What color are they up there? I don't get it.

And you're like, just go. You've realized a friend hasn't been on a plane. Yeah, that's a weird one. It's so funny when you're like, yeah, so you're gonna go and they're like, what's it like on the planes? And you're like, wait, what? Yeah.

Like, you haven't been on a plane. They're like, mm-hmm. Yeah. You're in't been on a plane, they're like, mm-hmm. Yeah. You're in your 30s, man. I know, you've done heroin. And you've never been on a United flight? Yeah. I had a friend who was like terrified of it.

I guess he was in his 20s still. And he goes, so like, I don't know, I'm just kind of scared. I'm like, because of like the barrel rolls and stuff. He's like, what do you mean? I go, well, sometimes they'll'll like they'll do tricks up there. And he totally was like, no, I go, yeah, man, it's fun. Yeah, scared of it. I was like, dude, they don't fuck around. This is it or this guy, well, I don't go to play 9-11, man. Yeah, like, well, you live in the projects.

Come on. Go nuts. You don't wear condom. You have six kids in VD. You're crazy. Yeah, you're where a condom, you have six kids in VD. You're crazy. Yeah, you're already crazy, you don't worry about terrorists. So you're gonna stay in NYC though. I guess so, I mean, the taxes are going up, I mean, I don't know anything about business, you're a good business guy, but like Biden goes,

hey, we're gonna spend eight trillion on this, I'm like, where do we get that? Do we make that? How does that work? NFT, I'm clueless. They will, they're gonna raise federal taxes. So they'll get, that means like, all of us will pay more.

And then states like California, New York will raise the state income tax, or they're proposing it, it'll pass, it'll always pass. So yeah, they'll pay more, and then they'll tax people who do well, you know. Okay. You know, yeah, I mean, but we're always in a deficit in this guy.

Yeah. You look at like the national, can you look up what the national deficit is right now? Cause it's always astonishing, no. Like it's numbers that you can't comprehend. Yeah, and then I'm like, what's three-poor- Three-poor-

One trillion dollars in 2020, more than triple the deficit for 2019. Is that China? Do we get that from China? I mean, we owe them a lot. I know. I know. Jesus Christ.

And but then you think, okay, well, our country is falling apart, you know, racism, whatever the hell, kids and cages, but then everybody's trying to get in here. Yeah. So I'm like, well, what is that? Yeah. I don't get anything.

Yeah, I have cousins in South America who are like, I think we're gonna move to the States. Because honestly, as crazy as everything you just list at sounds, you forget how much worse it is in other places. Right, and I feel like some queues on Twitter need to start admitting that. Yeah. You're bitching in moan about how bad America is.

And look, I'm not some patriotic weirdo, but I'm just saying, all you do is bitch in moan, but you got this great apartment with air conditioning and a nice car, and streaming video and grub hub, and grind dirt, all this shit. We're lucky. We're lucky as fuck to the fair.

We're lucky. And no one will admit it. I know, because all we do is complain. In this, you know, that's all we do. And at least if you're gonna complain, be a fucking comedian. Be funny about your complaints. Right. Here, here. But I mean, you know, it's all we do. And at least if you're gonna complain, be a fucking comedian, be funny about your complaints. Right, hear, hear. But I mean, you know, like, yeah,

the people who just bitch and moan about every fucking thing, you know, about every little, yeah, like. I'm with you. You know, you can just, yeah, you can have coffee delivered. I know. It's like, it's a fucking amazing place to live. It's incredible and there's an escort in the phone book. I mean, everything you want is here.

And I don't think we're as racist as we say we are. You know, it's like, well, then why is Oprah doing so well? And, you know, Jay-Z seems fine. I don't know. Maybe you're racist and you got some shit, you got to deal with. I don't know. I think the more Nigerians have moved here than Black people were enslaved. Yeah. That's kind of fun. I didn't know that. And then that's a stat. That's a stat. I think the more Nigerians have moved here than black people were enslaved.

That's kind of fun. I didn't know that. And then that's a stat. That's a stat. Look it up there, Jewface. And then, I know, I think everybody's doing pretty good. Like poor people have two flat screens

and three Hondas and eight phones. Yeah, you're right, man. I don't get it. And then people hate rich people, but then they pay more taxes. This is what's so good when you kill a city. And then they go, we need their money. I'm like,. I don't get it. And then people hate rich people, but that's, that's, This is what's so good when you kill somebody. And then they go, we need their money.

I'm like, but I thought you hated them, but now you're glad they're rich. I don't get it. People that hate the rich also never admit that they aspire to be rich. That's another thing. Yeah,

or like, you know, people are like, oh yeah, you know, you with all your money, you know, like people say it to me. Right. First of all, I don't know how wealthy you think I am,

but also, you know that I've been broke a lot longer than I've been successful, right? Exactly. I never factored it. Super broke for a long time. Yeah. You know, struggling to come up with my $600 for the rent. You know, it's like that was a struggle for years.

Core, and not to mention, this was a gamble. I took a shot that you didn't. So fuck you. I went 10 years of open mic and then the road and losing money and eating ramen noodles and all that shit. The other thing that bothers me about the racism thing, but in the United States, racism exists

and there are racist people. And like you said, I don't know to what degree we should label the amount of racism, but I hate that people fail to recognize how much racism exists in other countries in the world. They're throwing bananas on the field and soccer. Yeah, it's crazy. Or in my own family,

my mother's family is from Peru, she's from Peru. You go down there, the minority is white, the majority is native, right? Like what we would call like Indian, or we used to call, right? Sure, sure. And so like native, that's like indigenous people. Exactly.

Dude, the white people down there are so openly racist, but then they'll be like, you guys got a real race problem in the United States. I'm like, no, no, dude, like you got a problem here. Yeah, then we do that weird thing where it's like now, the, whatever the hashtag is, the news just leans into that, and they forget about the other shit.

The news is very dangerous. They'll be like, stop Asian hate. So here's a bunch of Asian people getting beat up in New York. And then you're like, you know, my friends, a cop, he's like, well, they're beating up all these other people. Like this old white lady got stomped on by, you know, a crazy guy and they're like, don't put that out. We're on this one now, you know?

I know, but she's a person too. I don't know. It's all bad. We shouldn't, we should all be against. It's all bad. Assaulting people. It's always bad. And if we're all equal, then stop picking the race to juror.

I thought we were equal. Right. But hey, what the hell do I know? I was molested by Cuomo. Hahaha. I don't know. It just seems like the news is dangerous, they're feeding us all this shit. And people want to be mad so they buy into it. And no one looks, it feels like the news,

you got to, you got to Google eight different channels now, just to kind of kernel the truth. But that bums me the fuck out. Because when I grew up, you basically, at least, you basically could trust the nightly news. You had Peter Jennings, Tom Brokhan, Dan Rather. And basically, you were like, these are nice, old white armholes of mine. And they would just like read Promptor.

That was what happened. And then a report from the field and back CNN started with just round the clock, Promptor Roofts. You didn't know their personality. Right. You didn't know like their interests. Yes. back CNN started with just round the clock, prompt a route. That's what it is. You didn't know their personality. Right. You didn't know like their interests. Yes. I was like, who gives a fuck about this person's input?

I know. And now, all like CNN, Fox, MSNBC, they all have a total agenda and they're like, do you want this type of news? Right. Then watch our program. You're like, no, I want you to read the objectives. Like here's the story. Exactly. You never got any emotion out of a new, he you're like, no, I want you to read the objectives. Like, here's the story. Exactly.

You never got any emotion out of a new, he'd be like, woo, every now and then, you're like, whoa, well, this something's up. This something's up. Like a terrorist, it's like, oh boy, it was just in, and that was new, or now it's new to get this weird like, and god damn it, my kids, and you're like,

what, you're a newscaster? What the hell are you talking about? Well, I mean, I remember like, I guess, like a transition in kind of happening when, so CNN was round the clock, you know, just news. Yeah. And then Fox, what happened was they actually figured out

that if they did like personality driven and feed an audience, and that it would bring in numbers, which it did. And they started to just clobber CNN. Right. And then I still remember watching, if you watch like old Anderson Cooper stuff, it is just reading Promptor. Oh really?

Absolutely. And then we're seeing Gabe. Yo yeah. You didn't know anything about it. You didn't know anything about it. And it was like 10, 12 years ago, where I remember watching, just CNN watching the news.

And he had just personal personality stuff in this news report where he was like, I don't know. I mean, when I go there, I kind of just want to be able to sit down and not have to, I'm like, why is he talking on such a personal level during this news report? And then it was like a slow thing where you go like, why is he talking on such a personal level during this news report? And then it was like a slow thing where you go like, oh, they're trying to match with their competitors

with like show personality, have a leaning agenda. So they started to lean left, yeah. And then it was like, oh, so now, like you said, you got to search stories outside of the United States to find out what's happening in the United States. It's crazy and it'd be, how fun would it be to take a CNN anchor and be like, I want you to admit you're ripping off Fox.

Oh yeah, they would never, no, we hate them, they're the enemy. Yeah, but you're kind of doing that thing. You're kind of doing that thing. Yeah. If you watch, if you travel especially, you're abroad and you watch like BBC news, they're like what we grew up,

they'll be like, you know They're like what we grew up, they'll be like, you know, this morning in the United States and they just read a story. And you're like, oh, that's what's happening in Dallas today. Okay. But I had to go to London to find out what's happening in Dallas. It's scary, man, it's weird times. And I think that's why everything is so splintered now.

You know, before it was like, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, oh shut up the news is on. And now it's like, now I hear like, hey, this is racist or this is sexist or this is whatever, there's a hate crime. And I'm like, I'll figure that out later. I don't even buy it anymore. Yeah, you gotta figure it out.

But also it's such a bummer because you go, you know, I feel like someone's just watching this and reacting to hysteria. I know. I mean, like I never hurt. It used to be like, you knew one conspiracy guy. Right. And you're like, this fucking psycho.

And now it's like a segment of the population. I know. It's like so many people that like, you know, like there wasn't like that big of an anti-vaxxer thing. They're just considered just lunatic. Yes, exactly. And now it's like, the people are like openly like, yeah man, fucking, I don't want to take that shit. And now, the people are openly like, yeah man, fucking, I don't want to take that shit.

And you're like, why? So true. I'm in queueing on now. Yeah, apparently. It's great. Yeah, I'm in. But the other thing is, you're right about the emotion thing because you see comedians, they'll write a joke

and get no love. And they're like, I'm gonna write about when I got dittled. And then people are like, oh my God, are you okay? And they're like, oh, I got something here. I got something here, you know? So now the ha ha is gone, but we got the support thing. And that's kind of comedy went that way for a while. Yeah, it did.

Yeah, we're like away from jokes. Yeah, jokes. Jokes. You're a really good joke writer. Oh, thanks. You're, I feel like you and Santa, you do a apagosameryl. What is it?

It might be drunk. Also, just like pure Joe Crytters. I wonder if like being in New York fuels that in a way. That's like that type of audience. Definitely, quick, we have ADD, we need it's a New York minute, so you gotta have a punch, a punch, a punch. And then you come out to LA and you're like, wow, I just got lost in this guy's story

and had a big ending and I'm like, I don't have the courage to like sit in a story. I went for Bill Burwant's years ago and he was like, hey, you got good stuff but like, you got to start blowing that stuff out and getting into stories and I was like, oh wow, okay. And I tried it and it went horrible and I wasted 10 minutes and I just went back to jokes.

Well, I mean, you do jokes really well, so I don't think you need to. You don't need to. It's so hard to write, they take, it takes me years. You know, you write one joke and you're like, oh, that was 11 seconds. I know. I remember talking to Jettelnick about it one time,

but about he's like, yeah, you know, I have like 60 jokes when you tell a story. I know, I know. And I'm so jealous, but I do love a good singer. Of course, there's no, as great as great stories are, and I do a lot of stories. I feel like even in my own act, I look forward, like when I go, oh, I have these jokes

going on this story, they're fun to tell. And I still, I mean, everybody appreciates a great line. Of course, yeah. A great setup and punch. But, well, two questions. One, do you ever have that story? Have you ever had a story that just, you had to give up after like a year of trying it?

You're like, it just isn't hitting, but you wasted all that time on it and you just gave it up. Yeah. Really? Oh, that's terrifying. So there's also then, So there's just one story where I was touring with it, I shot it in a special two specials ago,

and then when I did it, you know, edit it down, I was like, yeah, I've cut it, like I just didn't love it enough. Then next special, I shot it again, and I cut it again. Wow. And I cut it again. Wow. And then so now I'm touring again, and I have the story,

that I've cut towards. Yeah. So now I made it like the story is better. Of course. Now, because every time that I've kept doing it, it gets a little bit better. Oh, that honing. Yeah.

So now I'm like, oh, maybe I'll keep it in this time. Oh, I don't know. I start closing on it. So I'm like, oh, this might be the time that it's ready. But it's like, it's something that I've been working on for like three or four years of getting the story right. But I've had other ones where you go, you know what I hate? I hate doing stand-up where you go.

You get like, I mean, to kind of give it a reference for people, you know, a killer line is like a 10, let's say, right? And then like, you know, a five is like, chuckles. Sure. And I hate having a line that gets like a five or six and then just being like, I'll just keep telling it like that.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And then you go, and then after a few months, you're like, fucking change the line. Yes. Like, you know, change the line, and then you start to, and then you might on a show try a line,

and it gets like a three, and you're like, oh fuck, I'll just go back to that six. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But then if you get loose enough, and you're willing to risk enough, you can make it a 10. Right.

But you have to be willing to eat shit. That's so true, and it's hard to do. This is why you have to be willing to eat shit. That's so true. And it's hard to do. This is why you're up here because you're a cut above because a lot of people get that five and they go, hey, it's still a laugh. Like five is something, but you know you got to tweak it. And that's A, why you got to get up a bunch

and run it a bunch and fail a bunch. And B, Y, a special should take a little time. And these guys like, I do an hour a year. You're like, you're not a year, you're like, you're not Louie, you're not jerking off, you're full of shit, just get better, do it longer, there's no rush. I know, especially someone teasing at people

because you get all the accolades and the buzz and we gotta press tour and all that, but like. But it's better than getting a special, it's getting a special that's fucking awesome. Exactly, so yeah. Take your time and make it work. Take your time. You gotta do the club spots.

You gotta do it. That's what I learned. You can do what happens is if you insulate yourself into the big shows, that you lose that kind of, like connective tissue. Yes. That you get in a club that you can't mimic.

Cause the bigger the stage, the more it becomes a presentation of your act. Ah, you know? It's like, if you're doing an arena, it might as well be on a DVD. Yeah, exactly. And you're just presenting it. But clubs are the only place where you can really fuck around,

really try shit. And as a thing, in a club, if you try a line and you bomb, it's like, you acknowledge it. And you can make it a thing. I love that. In a theater, it's different. You're like, you're like, you keep going. Yeah, you kind of got to be like,

whoo, whoo, whoo. And you're like, I'm just 3,000 people there. You can't be like, hey, you guys, I'm like, you know, but it's 150 people. It's like, it's engaging and yeah, it's how you make it work. I don't know. But that's what's great about comedy is like,

there's some musicians not like, ping. Oh shit, that was bad. Hold on, let me get back. Let me get back. It's a real or whatever the fuck, you know. You gotta just keep going, but we can address, and that's the whole essence of comedy is that honesty and that keeping it real thing.

Yeah. So that's why it gets weird when comics are like up there being preachy and that's why the angry comic I never really got into because I'm like, I hear that mad all the time about this. Come on, you're full of shit. I get it, you're performing, but like, you're talking about candy corn, you know?

But my second question for you, because I'm fasting with the story stuff. What happens when you have no story? You don't really drink, you're a married guy or whatever. You married? Yeah. You got kids. I don't know.

Jim Jeffery said, no great story ever started with I ate a salad. Right. You know, so do you kind of get into an accident on the 405 and go, all right, this could be something. Well, it's actually a really good question. So it happens every time a special comes out. But now the feeling is familiar.

So, which is like, it's always daunting and you're like, fuck, what am I gonna talk about? But then you go, this is how I felt last time and I figured it out. So that part comforts the feeling of despair. And then, honestly, the thing that helps the most is talking to somebody that you really click with. Who knows you, Who knows you?

And you start going like, they go, you studied a broad, right? And you're like, yeah, like where'd you, and then I start going like, I remember this, and I remember that, like when I was in Spain, and then, and then I'm like, oh, I had this job.

I was in Boston for like eight weeks. And so you start telling stories to a friend. Yeah. And you start basically mining for things like that. Right. And then I balanced that with what's happening in my life at the time. Like right now I have a two and a five year old. So like I have 10 minutes from them. And then I basically a back and forth of like old stuff like old thing that what story hasn't happened. You know, a story that I haven't told yet, and then current stuff that's happening.

Wow, geez, I got the whole formula there. Yeah. And then I try to do a little bit of topical stuff too. Ah, keep fresh. Yeah, so it's like, that's kind of like, I don't know, how I build it. That's one thing I will say is a joke guy. I can kind of pull a joke out of thin air, not thin air, but like, oh, that's weird, you know, you're at the coffee shop. Like, what's weird how people do that?

And you write it down, then it becomes a bit, but I feel like the story stuff kind of has to be an event. Like something had to happen. Yeah, something has to happen. And then what ends up happening is, like, and Bert is actually really good at this, is that because he's a great embellisher and exaggerator. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He'll take the roots, like the, this is the, you know, the blueprint of a real story, but he just punches it up so crazy, with like, you know, details that are fabricated, or exaggerated, but like that, if you're, he goes, he's like a fantastical story tell. He's, yeah, he's good, you know, but it's like, it's almost like, you're like, did that really happen?

He's like, who cares? Right, this entertainment. Right, so mine is more like rooted in reality, and so like, I have to, I just have to like, you're like, did that really happen? He's like, who cares? Right, this entertainment. Right. So mine is more like rooted in reality. And so like, I have to, I just have to like basically keep trying lines. So it's like, it's jokes within a story. Yeah, you are writing. So you're writing, yeah, but it's like, sometimes I'll tell that story and I'm like, well, it just feels like there's nothing, oh my god, like there's not the big line.

So then I start going like, well, where could lines go? Right, like joke lines go, you know? See, that's the, that's the important part because some schmuck in Idaho is like, I got stories. Yeah. And then he goes up and he shit, but he has maybe a big ending. It's that middle, that's the professionalism.

Yeah, and like finding jokes in the little nuances, like, cause I like, I also like, balancing subtle jokes. You know what I mean? Where it's not a punch in the face. You need the punch in the face somewhere in your story. Yeah, yeah. The big line.

Of course. But I like having the little lines throughout. You do a lot of little lines. It's almost like throwing it aside, but it's actually the joke. Yes, yes. So having those in, I think, you know, makes it work. I agree.

Well, I'm worried we lost half the crowd with our joke gizzling, but don't fuck yourself. Ah, Epstein's innocent. I don't know, I'm just trying to say something, I get him back. You did something by the way, so I've said this on multiple podcasts. How much I admire the guys like yourself

who did the self release special. Oh, thanks. It was a failure, but it turned into something great. Why is it a failure? Meyer, the guys like yourself who did the self-release special. It was a failure, but it turned into something great. Why is it a failure? Well, nobody would buy it. I tried, I would, I was doing this act on the road and it was really clicking, it was hitting. And I was like, I got something here

and I'm a big comedy nerd and I'm hard on myself. I was still like, this is a solid hour. Which by the way, to not start to cut you off, I remember being in a green room with a tell opening for him one time. And I go, it's about what you're saying. I go, everybody started doing albums. It's like 2005, let's say.

Sure. So I go, yeah, somebody asked me if I'm going to do an album. Should I do an album? And he goes, do you have an hour you're in love with? And I go, no. And he goes, there you have an hour you're in love with? And I go, no, and he goes, there's your answer. So it's like, do the thing when you go, this is something. So I always remember that.

So whenever they go, do you want to do a special? I'll be like, not yet. And then I'll make a call. I'll be like, hey, you can book it now. Right. Because now I feel like it's something. Oh, that's great. But yeah, so you feel like this is something.

Yes, but I tell, I tell your story all the time, like, what do you wanna be an actor? With you and a tell. That shit hit me to my core, and I heard that five years ago, six years ago, whatever that was. That was so demoralizing. Oh, dude, I think about that all the time.

This was, so he requested me. Yeah, which was like, that's huge. So this was the first time, I was like, oh my God, I'm gonna feature for a tell. And the next year. Which was like, that's huge. So this was the first time I was like, oh my God, I'm going to feature for a tell. And the next year they're like, tell us how many asked you to, if you would do it. And I was like, fuck yeah. I did like two of the same jokes

from the previous year. Yeah, he was like, what do you want to be an actor or something? I was like, what? He's like, I mean, you can't, you don't have a new tone. And I was like, ugh. Yeah, I was like, what? He's like, I mean, you can't, you don't have a new time. And I was like, ugh. Yeah, I was like, I want to die. Oh my.

The king, the funny guy on the planet's like, you're not a comic. Yeah, you're not really working. Yeah. I was like, I mean, yeah, I have a job though. Yeah, I wasn't a full time guy. Sure. And I was like, yeah, that was so painful.

Yeah, I think about it. Well, you know what I'm like, I'm not gonna write today, I think about that. And I'm like, all right, here we go, I'm back. I don't wanna be a fucking actor like Tom. Yeah. So. So wait, so you make, do you say, I got something, do you call an agent and go,

like, can we get a special? Like, what's your, all that? I had the tape, the DVD, whatever it was, the link. And I'm at the Denver Comedy Works, ripping it, and they have a camera, so I'm like, give. All that. I had the tape, the DVD, whatever it was, the link. And I'm at the Denver Comedy Works, ripping it, and they have a camera. So I'm like, give me that footage. Saturday, early show is the best show. Here, you take this, send it to Netflix or HBO or Amazon or whatever it is. And they were like, yeah, thanks for note things.

We like it. You know, you get that email. They're all big fans. They love you. Yeah. And you're like, they don't love me. But whatever. So then I thought, all right, that's not working. And I just kept doing that hour.

Now it's getting better and better, like your story, it's just honing and honing. So it was almost like, well, maybe it was for the best, because now it's even better. And then I said, I bet if we film it, they'll buy it. Like if we do all the work for them, like the cameras and the lights, and we rent the theater and we fill it up, and we color corrected and we sound all the work for them, like the cameras and the lights and we rent the theater

and we fill it up and we color corrected and the sound, all that shit. And I was like, let's do that, that's the next goal. So then we did that, I spent all my money, you know, doing that, still didn't buy it. And so I said, well, I'm not gonna throw it in the garbage. So, and I'm embarrassing myself when I go back to Denver two years in a row

and they're mouthing my jokes. And you're like, that's that hurts I got I got to write a new hour. So I got to put this thing out So YouTube is the only other option and now you're approaching seven million views Hell yeah, yeah, so if you haven't seen out to lunch, it's on YouTube and yeah, it's a great special man Oh, thank I appreciate it. So I actually because, like, I consider it like a real entrepreneurial move, and I love that, like, because I feel like most, a lot of comics don't acknowledge

or even realize that we're all entrepreneurs. Yeah, yeah. Like, you're running Mark Norman comedy business, so completely. Like, to do that, and then like, obviously, it worked because, you know, a lot of people watched it, a lot of people buy tickets to see you now, so like, that is the path you wanna be on. Oh, really? For sure, man. Oh, well, that means a lot of people watched it, a lot of people buy tickets to see you now. So that is the path you wanna be on.

Oh really? For sure, man. Well, that means a lot, thanks. Because my mom is still like, oh yeah. What is YouTube pay? And you're like, well, it's kind of, it doesn't really pay. It's not like a network like that.

And she's like, it doesn't pay. You're like, no, you know, you get like a check every month for $800 or something. She's like, oh, and I'm like, no, no, it's got views She's like, well, how long do you have to watch it to get a view? And I'm like Jesus, or you kill it But yeah, that's maybe that's why I'm a comic, but yeah, yeah, that's why you're a comic for sure But it I mean like you're you did like The the difference is you doing that the other the other side of it is somebody who's like I can't get a special

the other side of it is somebody who's like, I can't get a special. And they're like, and they're like, oh, there's so many of that guys. Sometimes he's like, they don't wanna give specials to white guys. And you're like, yeah, okay. Right. And maybe if they're shoot to that,

but you still gotta figure it out. You know, like NWA couldn't sell it a record, but they still made it work. You gotta make it work. Yes. You don't make, like things don't happen by somebody being like, people don't want to give me stuff. So I'll just sit here.

And you're like, okay, I mean, there's so many, we know so many comics. That's most, that's 99% of comics. Yes. And there's so many of those guys are the ones too who are you like, where is that guy? And they're like, well, he stopped. Yeah.

He's doing it. Yes. Which was always like, oh, yeah, yeah, you're like, good. The only thing you can do is like move forward and like if an opportunity isn't given to you, you make it happen. And that's what I love seeing that you, sholts, yannis, sam, you guys all shot things

and put it out and like yeah, that's like, that is inspiring I think, you know? Oh, thanks, I appreciate it. And maybe, and I kinda am glad it's on there now. I'm glad I own it. I'm glad I see the numbers. I'm glad I get to show people and share a link easily. And I get all these email.

I love it. Now I want to do comedy. I showed it to my aunt. I showed it to my friends and all that. So that's all great. Have you ever gotten the message? Hey, man, I love your comedy. I've got a couple jokes if you want to hear them.

Like I could get that all the time. Yeah, and you're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I want to hear your joke with three N words in it for no reason. Yeah, I'll take it. Yeah. Oh, I had a point and I lost it.

Oh, sorry, I got you out. No, no, I lost it, but boy with something juicy. Yeah, it's gone. It's gone. That was my fault. Like my bowler. Also, sorry, because we mentioned the one you do with Sam Rill.

We might be drunk. You also have been doing Tuesdays with Stories, which you'll list for a minute. Oh, we do that for seven, eight years, yeah. So another podcast you can check out with Mark. You toured Europe with fat with Bert. Ah, yes. That was a tough two weeks.

What? What, I don't know what was that like? Well, Bert, and Bert's a friend. And you got to hand at the birth for Being rich. He's shooting movies. He's hanging out with Snoop Dogg And he's still like a normal, you know nice fat guy. Yeah, he really is and I appreciate that I'll never forget it some guys they got one fucking T-shirt sale and they're like all right I'll see you in hell

Thanks, yeah, but yeah, thanks Tim Dylan, but yeah, no I'm like, all right, I'll see you in hell. I'm like, hey, thanks. Yeah. But yeah, thanks Tim Dillon. But yeah, no, I'm just kidding. Tim Dillon is a very funny gay man. But, but Bert is super cool and I was like, he's like, hey, you wanna go to Europe? But I'm like, trip to Europe, pay to do comedy, drinking, the whole thing, I'm in. When am I going to Europe?

Yeah. And it was challenging. Really? Well, I like to drink as much as the next thing, I'm in. When am I going to Europe? Yeah. And it was challenging. Really? Well, I like to drink as much as the next guy, but I'm a normal human being who gets hung over and is an introvert and likes being alone and all that and birds like drinking all night, shot, shot, shot, shot, eating pizza at 5 a.m.

then waking up at 9 a.m. hitting the treadmill with a coolers light and I'm like, I'm shitting blood, I'm trembling, you know, I'm foaming at the mouth, I'm in a, you know, a, Coke den with two naked guys, I'm like, what happened? How do we get here? And he's like, hey, I'm at the gym, then I'm going to do some promo, you want to be in my video where we roller skate and our panties, I'm like, I'm going to kill myself.

This is day two. And we got a flight tomorrow at 7am to Copenhagen, and I don't know how we're gonna do this. Yeah, I think about how I could never, I would never be able to tour with him, like the way he, I've done vacation with him. And I did one day trip to San Francisco with him where he picked me up at 7am,

with a 32 ounce Focusoda. There you go. And then we went to the airport and we went to the bar and they're like, like the bartenders were like, and then he likes it. We run from that. We go, oh, this guy knows us.

Let's go to a different place. Drinks a couple of there, get on the plane, he's like, oh, double in and keep coming. Yeah. So they brought, and like I'm drinking one for every two or three that he's drinking. Yes. We get to the plane, he's like, oh double and keep coming. So they brought, and like, I'm drinking one for every two or three that he's drinking. Yes. We get to the hotel at fucking, I don't know,

like noon or 11 a.m. and I was like, I'm gonna go like take a nap. Yeah. And I go about, he goes, I'll be right here. I'm sitting at the bar. And I see him like three hours later, and here's the thing, we drink all the rest of the day. Yeah, and at the end of the day, I mean, I'm just like,

yes, and I go, what are you gonna do? He's like, doesn't it feel great? Like, just keep that buzz going. And I go, I'm so tired. Right, and he goes, he goes, oh no, I feel fine. And he looks fine. He looks great. Fine.

Yeah, he's shirtless at a five star restaurant, eating steak and taking photos with everybody. And I wanna kill myself. I just wanna go home, but he can do it. And you're way, the whole time selfishly, I don't know, 13 days in, I'm like, he's gonna crack. There's gotta be some point where he's gonna, he's gonna fall into a ball of tears at some point

and he never did. And the energy stays here. You know, like, he doesn't have that drag. No, no drag. No, he's just like, you know, I think this fucking there's something to this Mickey Managing man. No doubt about it. I mean, when I saw that fat content on the elliptical, I was pissed. I was like, God, damn it. And then we did pre-show that night or two shows that night. And he pulls it off. Then he sells merch. Then he

does photos and signs posters. I mean, and then he's like, Hey, to the audience, do you guys wanna come out with me? And what are you doing? And then tells them all to come to a bar and then we'll hang out, photograph, shots with everybody at the bar, and you're like, how do you, how do you, how do you do this?

I don't know how he does it, and it's damn impressive. It's like he has Joe's drive for, Joe Rogan's drive for exercise for drinking and meeting people. You know Joe won't miss a workout and it's like there's no way I'm not going to shake hands and you have a set with the guy. He's Joe Rogan and Geraldo together, somehow who died of a you know, drug overdose, but yeah, he can do them both. He can do them both. And that's why he's you know, career is soaring because he never has to have downtime.

Yeah, no. And you're a comfort guy and you have self-esteem. Yeah. I have no self-esteem and I'm fine and discomfort and I still couldn't hang. Like, I was like, I'm built for this. I'm a weirdo who likes to drink and likes to party and can rally. And it was still impressive and he blew me out of the water. And he's 68 years old.

Yeah, he's about to, he's on his insulin. He's doing all right. Like when he's in a rascal at 98, he'll be racing that rascal and drinking spiked prune juice and you know, racing the guys at Walmart and filming it. Oh, he definitely will be. Yeah, he will be, and he's gonna be one of those guys that you're like, how's this guy alive now?

Yeah, he's gonna be in his 80s, you know? Yeah, we're like, you're alive. I know, I'm waiting for the selfie where he's pouring Tito's into the IV bag and he's like, ah, you know, taking his T-thousand. He's gonna be a fun old drunk guy. You know what it is with Burton? I maybe I shouldn't say this because it's a little dicey,

but he has no sex drive. Right. I've never seen him, like he's like, oh, she's pretty or whatever. He has no like, I gotta fuck or I gotta go jerk off. And also, usually alcohol fuels those things. Yes. And it doesn't happen with him.

Not with him, he'll fuck a big backup. But he's not gonna, he's never like, you know, let's go to a strip club or a brawl. But he has none of that. Whereas other guys, that's kind of a real crutch. And maybe that's the fuel he's used. He took this sex drive wire and plugged it into his heart. And he took it out of his dick and plugged it into his heart and it's pumping in there.

I don't know what it is. That's so true, because he's never, ever, ever trying to fuck. Like, yeah, there's no such, like, he doesn't have any of that, like, the wandering eye, nothing. Nothing, we went to a strip club once, and we just made jokes, and I'd be like, I'm gonna go in the back room and get a lap dance from this fat Samoan chick, and he was like,

nah, let's just hang out and talk. And I was like, all right, and that's him. He doesn't have, and I know he's married with kids, but even if he was single, he wouldn't have it. I don't think so. He definitely would be the type to get into a relationship. Yep. And that would be his lady.

That's it. Maybe that's where he's getting it. Yeah, maybe his T-level is real low. T-level? Just off-stone. Maybe we should get he's getting it. Yeah, maybe his T-level is real low. T-level? Just off-strom. Ah. Maybe we should get him checked. Yeah, and then we get him on some T,

and then also he's just fucking everything in the world. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. His wife would be so mad at me. No, of course. You did this with his TRT? Ha-ha-ha-ha. I thought Ari was bad. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

You gave him T, at least Ari gave him Molly. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. That's the other thing. Ari's on Molly, I mean, a bird's on Molly. I was at the store with him and he's just like, woo, let's drink, baby. Yeah, he's high five in her body, watching a game, but there was no like, oh look at those tits.

You know, when you're on Molly, you want to touch stuff and finger yourself and he had none of that. It doesn't happen with him, man. It doesn't happen. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't understand how his kidneys work. Yeah. Like I'm not that well versed in, you mean, I don't know. I don't understand how his kidneys work. Yeah.

Like I'm not that well versed in, you know, medicine, but I feel like people that really tie one on, like he does a certain age, your kidneys start to go like, hey man. You think he told me he went to the hospital once for like a checkup or something and they're like, yeah, your cholesterol's a little high. And I was like, oh, that's crazy.

What else did they say? He's like, that was it. I'm like, that's just red meat and shit. Yeah. What about the booze and the liver and the kidneys and your brain and all that. He's like, oh, I didn't bring it up. Yeah.

That's all I want to know about you fucking booze bag. Hahaha. Yeah, he's a special case. And thank God we have him in the comedy world. Like thank God he's not just some accountant who doesn't know this about himself. Yes. You know, he knew his path.

He felt it. We talked about like what would be, like if we didn't have comedy, what would we be doing? Yeah. And like he's like, I would be cleaning boats in Tampa. Like I would just be, he'd be a fun guy. Yeah.

Flip flops every day. Yeah, yeah. Throw up there, catch it. Oh yeah. And man, there's still some barnacles on this thing. Oh good, and you scrub fun guy. Yeah. Flip-flops every day. Yeah, yeah. Throw up there, catch it. Oh, yeah. Hey, man, there's still some barnacles on this thing. Oh, good. And you scrub them off.

Right. That would be him. Yeah, it's crazy. There's probably a couple of these guys out there. This like super friends justice league of crazy Mickey Manel alcoholics, but he's at least showcasing it to the world. Yes. They're probably just, yeah, like you said,

cleaning boats or, you know, working out a strip club or something. I would be a fucking miserable con, for sure. Yeah. I wasn't, oh yeah. Cause I, all this rage wouldn't have a place to be channeled. Yes. You know?

Yes. That's the healthy outlet is getting on stage and getting things out and being, you know, being able to say, fuck this and talk shit. That's a really good release for emotionally. Same here. And that's why the pandemic was tough. Of course, we couldn't get it out and we're just rotting away in our houses.

Yeah, it was the fucking worst, man. The worst. I remember I went through periods with it where it was like, it was March, and I remember I had dates, and they're like, we're gonna move into April. I was like, okay, and then I felt, I was like, oh, it's cool, I have like a month,

this is a nice vacation. Yeah. Then that month kinda ends and you're like, so what's up? And they're like, I think we're gonna move into April. I was like, okay, and then I felt, I was like, oh, it's cool, I have like a month, this is a nice vacation. Yeah. Then that month kinda ends and you're like, so what's up? And they're like, I think we're gonna move into May because this doesn't seem to be like, I was like, all right, and then like by May, I was like, yeah, I'm kinda antsy.

Yeah, yeah. Then you hit your wife and you're like, how do we get here? And we're like, man, all your teeth are out now. I'm so excited. So, I'm with you. And that's why, and this is the point I forgot and I got it back somehow

The pandemic comics kind of had to make a choice like am I gonna go all in on pods? Am I gonna do videos? Am I gonna? Yes? Start a website or whatever the fuck a web series and a sketch show or whatever and a lot of them did jack shit and Bitch the whole time or turned on each other or whatever it was and Not a lot leaned in and just said, hey, you know, I'm going all in on this, you know, whatever idea I have. Yeah, dude, yes. And you see the difference is when something happens, like the pandemic, something you could never, ever predict or who takes action. Yep. And then who does the thing where they're just like, this just sucks.

This sucks. Yeah, we all think it sucks. Of course. But I'm gonna go crazy and I'm sick of watching, you know, fucking Sherlock Holmes on BBC or whatever the fuck it is. And you gotta just go into something and put your energy into something.

I bought a piano. Yeah. I made all these wacky videos around New York. You played piano? I suck. I play like... I started all these wacky videos around New York. And you played piano? I suck. I play like... I started taking lessons a month and a half ago. Oh yeah, me too.

Really? Well, I'm doing it my own lessons, which is a bad idea because I'm just basically playing guitar hero. I put my phone up to it and it's like the YouTube. Yeah. And it says BEC and I'm doing that, but it's something. It's something, it's definitely a healthy, like I really dig it.

Yeah, me too. So there's a, the panel teacher was teaching my kids, and then one day I was like, Hey, do you teach adults? Yeah, she was like, yeah. Retarded ones. Yeah. Like yourself.

Yeah. And I go, oh, I want a lesson. Yeah. And then I go, I remember going like, oh, it's just gonna be like C major E flat. Like it's gonna be like, I was like, I'll just, you know, I'll do it just to- It does suck initially, you gotta get in the hump.

She actually was like, oh, just send me what you wanna play and we'll just work on that. And I was like, oh, so I started sending her stuff and I go, I wanna play this, I wanna play that. And then she would show up and we would just work on those. And then as we're working on them,

she was like, oh, you should know, they're like a C, D, E, you know, like basic. So, but the more the focus was on the music, I wanted to play, she was like, oh, you should know, they're like a CD, you know, like, yeah. So, but the more the focus was on the music, I wanted to play, which was like more enjoyable. Of course. So then, yeah, I don't know. That's fucking hilarious that you're like, you see the kids, you've got it for the kids before you.

Yeah, you know, like eventually you're doing homework, we're like, I should learn math. Yeah, and plus you walk by them and you're like, they fucking suck. Yeah. He's five years old, he barely knows how to hit these keys. Like, let me try it. Yeah, good you walk by them and you're like, they fucking suck. Yeah. He's five years old. He barely knows how to hit these keys. Like, let me try it. Yeah.

Good for you. And as a human being, we have that initial like, this is discomfort. I want to quit. I hate it. And if you can get past that, I think that's like the key to everything in life. To everything.

Everything. And discomfort always equals growth and you got to stay uncomfortable. Yes. Exactly. Sometimes you have to force discomfort on yourself. Yes. Like one of the only constant discomforts you can have, I think, especially if you're living comfortably, is like exercise.

Yeah. Right? Because you can be like, you can have a great bed and a great house and you're like, everything's nice, but like, if you go to do exercise and you push it to like a feeling of discomfort, just that feeling of like, at least I have a moment of true discomfort in this day is good for you. That's so key. I mean, you heard like Wim Hof and all these psychos

talk about like jumping in an ice bath right when you wake up and all that and people go, well, what's the benefit? Is it health? And he's like, just because you did something shitty immediately and now the rest of your day is better and fulfilling or whatever it is. But nobody does it because they're like,

what are the results? Can I make money? Can I make me taller? No, no, no, it's just mental shit. Mental shit. And it's discomfort and getting out of discomfort and your life goes up 20% happiness. Everybody's trying to get shit.

All right, if I eat at McDonald's, I'll feel happy right now, but you're like, that's gonna fuck you up. You gotta do something you don't wanna do. And it's so hard for people to grasp that. It's so true, man. I feel like this year is such a focus on mental health and just health overall.

And I've been eating clean and exercising a lot. And the whole time, I'm like, oh yeah, I forgot that this just makes me feel better. Yes. You know, eating the egg whites and the chicken and the broccoli and stuff, like, even though I wasn't always eating, like every time I eat it, I'm like, yeah, but I feel better.

There you go. I feel true. I feel happier. Yeah, and it's, maybe it's not as flavorful at the time, but hey, this is gonna be better in an hour. Yeah. And people can't see that hour. Yeah, that's true.

They go, no, no, no, no, I want the fucking, you know, double down. Everything's, everything's now, no, no, no, I want the fucking, you know, double down. Everything's now, now, now. Everything's now, now, now. But like, I mean, think of back to when you were 21. That was 10 minutes ago. Right. You know, like your kids, like I'm a big,

kind to about kids. I'm like, ah, kids, I don't know, the crying, the shitting, the diaper, the whole thing. And I'm like, yeah, but you're gonna snap, and that's gonna be over. And then they're gonna be, you know, wrestling with you, gonna snap and that's gonna be over and then they're gonna be wrestling with you and then you print throwing a football and then you're pouring out there in college.

It goes quick, man. Like, these both these guys were, feels like babies yesterday and they're five and almost three and you're having full conversations with them and you realize that the five-year-old, he's like, he's a little dude. Yeah. You don't have to, he goes to the bathroom by himself. You know what I mean?

Like, it's all, it happens fast, man. Damn. And now you probably, like Bill Burrowie says, I can't believe I didn't do this earlier. I was scared and this is like the coolest thing and you've never loved something like this, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's rad. And they're like, it's really cool.

Okay. I mean, there's, I don't do, I don't do the thing where they, you're not honest about it. Sure, please It's super. There's a lot of stress I remember when I when Christina was pregnant with our first Ellis who's who's five I remember that there's this thing because she points it out She's like I you like flip the switch. Oh, yeah, where you went into like like y', I always had a good work ethic, but she was like, you went crazy with work

because you start going like, I have to support. Yes. You know, be able to pay for this kid. Interesting. So that kind of like a flip kind of does switch on you. And there's, you know, there's a lot of stressful moments and like, yeah, when they're, when they're babies, you know,

you've never had a baby. Yeah. Yeah. And the, yeah, the sleeping, the, you've never had a baby. You're like crying and the sleep deprivation. Oh, nightmare. That's the worst, right? Yeah. I don't know, getting over that, I do think that the upside far outweighs.

Okay, you know, that helps. Yeah. And talk about discomfort, and talk about a new challenge, and talk about satisfy, making a good podcast is one thing. Imagine making good human. A good human, yeah.

And it's really cool. You see your kid develop a personality and like, you do feel pride. Like when you're out and my son's introducing himself to people, it just kills you. Anyone else hard? Yeah. These kids.

But that's what it is. That's so adorable. That's so nice to hear you say, because, you know, all we talk about is like, we got to leave a good planet for our kids. Like, hey, how about we leave some good kids for the planet? Yeah. You know, your kids fucking suck.

And I'm talking to you, Dickless. You got shitty, snot nose annoying, unpolite kids. Yeah. Stop it. You suck. They don't realize they suck, and then they're making little of them. Dude, they do, and you realize that a lot of people are checked out. Oh, yeah.

I actually was like, proud that this guy said this to me. I took my son to get a tennis lesson. Mm-hmm. And Jesus, what the fucking activities do they have? Well, you gotta keep, I mean, they're just energy ball. Like he wakes up and runs down, like my alarm is him running down the hall. Yeah, yeah.

And he comes in, he's like, good morning and you're like, Jesus Christ. Is he gay? Good morning. It's fucking 5.30, come back in an hour bro. Like he's yet, but he shot out of a cannon, ready to go. So we're always trying to burst energy off. We took him this tennis lesson and he was fucking around. You know, and I was doing a lesson on the other court.

And so I see him and I see him like not doing, and I just held. Oh good. I go, hey, if you're not gonna fucking pay attention, we're gonna leave here right now. So I pay attention. And I had to do it like two more times. But afterwards, this whole thing was that

the next time I had a lesson was by myself, the coach goes, hey, I just want to let you know. Like, you're one of like two parents that does that. Oh, good. Like, everybody else, they'll just see that happening and they just, they don't care. Wow. They're like, so they're like, they're like,

we talked about how it's nice to have a parent, you know, make his kid pay attention. Right. Because he goes, a lot of them, they don't give a shit. They'll just let it happen. I was like, oh yeah, that would make me crazy. I'm crazy. Good for you.

It's weird when you see that guy at the gym with the loud music on his boom box thing and you're like, you know, we don't want to hear that. How are you oblivious? Yeah. And that's all I'm just lifting away. It's going like, how can this guy, because you're kind of, you hate the guy,

but you're also kind of like, man, it must be a nice life. Oh, yeah. To just do what you want at all the time and not feel that weird remorse or. I think society has like 50, 50 split. Yeah. Because you ever do that thing where I remember one time

I landed on a flight and the guy like two rows two rows over started, like, on his phone. He's like, yeah, so we just landed here and, like, real loud. And without saying anything, I look at another passenger. Yeah. And we just look at each other and we're like, same time, like, shake our heads. That's good.

So I'm like, oh, we speak the same language. Right. But this is super annoying. Right. And how is this guy this oblivious that no one wants to hear his fucking phone call? And you know what's interesting is a lot of times I'll have that moment too.

And I notice the two people having that moment that you're having are in first class and this guy's in the back. And you go, maybe there's something to being successful and living a good life when you actually think about other people's feelings, you fucking twat. Yeah. Well, we were in first class.

Ah-ha! You see? And then they go, rich people are even like, nah, we just worked hard and have a brain, we were in first class. Ah, ah, you see? And then they go rich people are evenly like, nah, we just worked hard and have a brain and we're not fucking selfish, dooses. I mean, yeah, it also makes me crazy. You know, I always think about that. Like you're in a restaurant and your kid takes a spoon.

Yeah, yeah. And then I start doing this. I be like, hey man, like no one must have heard that shit. Right, you know? I don't wanna hear it at home. Let alone when I'm out. Right, I'll give you one better. When I was a kid, you would yell,

your parents would yell at other kids. Yeah. And that, you don't see anymore, because I do, you talk to my son that way, whatever, you're like, well, he was, you know, pissing on the laundry, whatever. So we had to do something. Sure.

So that was good too. I got hit by a friend's mom once. Really? Yeah, I totally deserved it and I've changed. Yeah. Yeah, so. Yeah, it doesn't happen anymore. No, no, no.

Well, you know what else is weird too, especially with white people is like, we have kids so much later, because we're like, hey, I want to have a fucking life, fuck you, rug rat, you know. And so you have a kid when you're 41 or 39 or whatever, when you know,

biology, you're kind of supposed to have a kid at 24 or whatever. And so there's a lot of like older parents now who are like doing their thing, and then the kids doing his thing and he's just staring at a screen and they never got kind of, the parent doesn't have as much energy to discipline.

Yeah, I mean, I do, I completely would understand that. I think it's like just mind blowing when you hear about like the 60 year old, that I haven't had in the kid and you're like, how are you gonna be involved at all in this? I know, I know. It's so nuts. DMX at 15 kids.

He did. Yeah. That's so crazy. That's crazy. But you also hear about like, so and so is gonna be a father. And you're like, this guy's in his 60s? I know, Mick Jagger just had a kid,

he's like 900 years old, you know? It's crazy how people do this, but hey, you know. I'm sure he'll be really involved. Yeah, he'll be involved financially. Like here you go, put money in it. Yeah, here's a check. Yeah, that's cool. All right, you talk me into it.

I'm gonna do the kid thing. Nice, man. Yeah. You gotta pick a lady. Oh, you have a lady. I got a hot lady at home and she's got ample bosom to feed. How long you guys been together? Five years.

Oh, that's a good long while. Oh, is it? I mean, yeah, five years. That's not like a... I'll say that now, she's like, I told you. No, no, I mean, that's a real relationship I'm saying. Yes, yes. You need to remember that.

Five months or so. No, no, no, for sure. Five years is a real thing. And, you know, I'm pushing 40's not like five months or so. No, no, no, for sure. Five years is a real thing. And I'm pushing 40 here for that. So it's getting down to the wire. Get her on it, man. Yeah, and she's ready. She's ready.

Yeah, dump your clip and just see what happens, man. Isn't it weird that anybody would procrate with us? I know. It's mind-boggling. I mean, you're at least successful and somewhat normal. You seem normal for a comedian, I must say. Yeah, I mean, I mean, you'll probably strangle a dog in an alleyway

at some point, but you seem well-adjusted. Yeah, I, oh shit. Am I missing something? No, no, did you run over a kid last week? And we keep it quiet. I think I have normal attributes. I think just like a lot of people, you have layers to your personality.

So I definitely know how to act. You do. And I know how to behave. And then I have craziness within me too that I try to channel into what we do. You know what I mean? Yeah, like Bert with the sex, pump in it in, you pumping the anger somewhere else. Yeah, yeah, I tried to.

I mean, sometimes it comes out. Uh-oh. Have you killed like a Jewish kid or something? That's why I keep hiring him. It's like a guilt thing, you know? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. And they don't fight back. Yeah.

Which we've learned from history. But yeah, maybe financially you guys will fight back. Like, I definitely couldn't do the drink thing because I know what, you know. Oh yeah, like I don't, you'll have a Mel Gibson moment. I'll just, what I do, I start talking, I'm not angry drunk. I talk a lot of shit though. Oh yeah.

Like I'm real shit talker, like, you know, and I'll get. And we got microphones all over us. Yeah, so I definitely feel like I do that once a year. Once a year. I mean, I still have a drink of glass wine with dinner or whatever, but like where I really tie one on, it's like once a year, you know?

I try to do it with like people close to me. Yeah, yeah. Hey man, protect me. Yeah. You know, like don't let me do anything crazy. I know. Because if I did it like Burk does, for sure I would be dead or in jail.

Like for sure. Oh yeah, no doubt about it. I mean, do you ever have that thing does, for sure I would be dead or in jail. Like, really short. Oh yeah, no doubt about it. I mean, do you ever have that thing? I mean, we're kind of the same age. And I should be dead just from high school and college, like the drinking and driving, the falling asleep while driving, the waking up in these places.

I woke up on a sidewalk once. I mean, yeah, like, I should be dead or at least like beat up a lot more. Dude. But one time I went to a bar and my friends said it least like beat up a lot more. Dude. But one time I went to a bar and my friends said it looked like a like a Marks Brothers movie. Like I was on the table, then I would I grabbed the fire extinguisher and shot everybody and all this shit. But the craziest thing, my friends were fucking mooks like animals, you know football playing

like white guys from the south who wore shorts and tucked their button down in and wore loafers, but fucking wet nuts. Yeah, and I went out with it with my friends. We got drunk whatever. I don't remember anything. I was with my girlfriend at the time They had to drag me up to my porch in my home and she's helping, you know, and it's like a Tuesday Yeah, and then as a goof Tuesday, the school night, and then as a goof, she's trying to get me in the house quietly because my parents are sleeping. And as a goof, they go, hey, Norman, and my girlfriend looks back and they shoot us

both with paintballs and just light up the house. And like, I'm like, oh my God, I don't remember any of this. She told me. She's so bad. I don't remember a thing. I didn't wake up. I was blacked out through the whole thing,

the house, the whole thing's yellow. Oh my god. And they're like, ah, they peel off and they're fucking jacked up truck. And then my dad comes out and he was a military guy, much like your own. He's like, what the fuck? He's having flashbacks, he's flipping out.

So he comes out and he sees me laying there, covered in yellow paint and my girlfriend crying. And he's like, what the fuck's going on? So he picks us both up. He throws me in the, you know, the hallway of the house. He's like, what the fuck's going on? So he picks us both up. He throws me in the hallway of the house. He's like, you upstairs now, and she's crying. She runs upstairs and he picks me up and spanks me in the living room.

He wasn't a hitter, but he just didn't know what to do. He was having a meltdown. Spanks me on my ass. I start laughing. And my girlfriend's watching through the railing of the banister of the stairs. And I'm like, ah, my dad's I start laughing. Am I girlfriend's watching through the railing of the banister of the stairs? And I'm like, ah, you know, my dad's spaking me. And so he just, he like lays me down on the living room floor

and then he goes, you get down here to her and he's like, what's wrong with him? Why does he drink so much? Is he depressed? And she's like, I don't know. And then the next day, he wakes me up at like seven. I'm like, I can't move. Throws me in the shower with my clothes on.

Turns it on and goes, you're going to alcohol therapy or whatever it is. And I was like, oh, what? And he drove me to this lady who was a doctor and had to ask me questions. But I still had some yellow hair. And yeah, it was a wild night apparently. That's pretty wild.

I mean, what came of that session or that meeting? Did he follow up like, hey, what did she tell you? Or like, no, I mean, he was just pissing. He's like, you're getting a job, you're going to military school all this shit. How were you when that happened? I don't know, the 16, 17. Wow, okay.

So it was right at the cusp of like, you're moving out soon and getting in a college maybe so that was a pretty rough But that was just a random night. Yeah, we did that kind of shit all the time. Did I remember you just reminded me of when I first got out here like I Was an intern at a entertainment kind of like a place that made movies they made like so they the studios would work with them To make movies. Yeah, well what year would age we took? So I am 23 okay And I and I'm a free intern by the way it's unpaid, you know, just using you to read scripts and make notes

One night some of the other interns and assistants these are like assistants to like high level executives Like we're gonna go out to this place on sunset So I started somewhere else with a friend I end up there and I am just, it's just knocking them down, just drinking, drinking, drinking. Yeah. So at one point I, I haven't started stand up, but like, you know, you have like a little bit of that in you. Yes, of course. So we're all at this place called Miyagi's, which was a big like

sushi but like party place on sunset. And we're basically standing in a circle like this table. And I'm holding court, like telling a story or something. Yeah. Oh, but I'm hammered. And by the way, you probably think you're killing, but you're probably like this fucking guy. Yeah, this guy there.

And then they're about to think it a lot more. Yeah. Because as I'm talking, and they had to like, help me this in a like parts, you know, sometimes parts of the memory come back to you. You're like, oh yeah. But one of the guys who I was close with at work is you're telling this story, you vomit.

Oh man. And he goes, you vomit and like an incredible amount. Yeah. And you do in you vomit and like an incredible amount. Yeah. And you do in that thing where when you're done of omitting and you're like, like, sitting. Yeah. And he's like, we're inside a nice restaurant bar. And he goes, you spit like a couple of times.

And then he goes, then you stood up and you went right back to your story. Oh. Like, and everybody's like, ugh. Yeah. And then, you're the intern by the way. And I'm an intern, and then like, I come in on Monday

and I'm like, what's up guys? And people are like, what do you mean? What's up? You're a fucking psycho. Yeah, yeah. Well, I can't believe they didn't throw you out. I know, I know. I mean, I ended up getting the carried home.

Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. See, that's the thing about bird. I'm waiting for that moment. I know. I'm waiting for him to be just be on a podcast and you look down and his khakis are getting wetter You're pissing there it is. He's like I don't know when I go. Yeah, I don't know it just comes out

I know god damn. I mean also we're lucky that was never no cell phone camera that could have been a tick-tock Any moment of that could have been a tick-tock you getting dragged out you puking you spitting Thank god. There was no TMZ so gora's lost it. Oh, yeah, do you know what someone just sent me by the way? I Started to sweat watching it. Oh God. They sent me a set that I did oh Like two years in the standup. Yeah a friend of mine. Yeah, I was like wet He's like yeah, I recorded. And I could not watch it. I started to watch it. And I was like, like, start this sweat.

Can I say about you? You're one of the rare cases. Like usually you watch a guy's 15 year old set and you're like, man, you were so young and thin. You looked like hell back then. And you look right now. Thanks, man. You went the other way.

Yeah, you were like a big guy with the only facial hair. It's the only advantage to like not giving a fuck about yourself. When you're young, it were like a big guy with only facial hair. It's the only advantage to like, not giving a fuck about yourself when you're young. It's like also see friends from high school and like they look like shit now, right? And then I look better than I did in high school. Exactly. And they're like, oh, what happened?

I'm like, I don't know. That's when you neglect yourself when you're young, you can improve later in life. I look at sometimes, I'm a big stand-up nerd, I watch everything. So I watch your old stuff. And I'm like, you can just look at you and sometimes, I'll, because I'm a big standup nerd, I watch everything. So I watch your old stuff, and I'm like, you can just look at you and go, he'll never make it.

He's so unappealing looking that he's fucked. Like you looked like a guy who liked wings and tits. That was like your look. You know, it kind of had a vagacy, there was a shiny shirt involved, and your hair was pointy down. Yeah, and you're like, this guy's a fucking mask.

Yeah, like you like, I would never hang out with this guy. He's going nowhere. You look like he had flames on your car. You know, let's see. There's some. Give me a real on stage. Like a real, oh, that's, that's rough.

That's bad. There, look at the gold chain, the chest hair. I mean, this guy works at a place called diamonds. Yeah, and it's a strip club on the outskirts down. Keep scrolling, let's see what else we got here. Oh, that's it. Oh, look, look how big I am right there. Yeah, but that's a strip club. It shouldn't happen on the outskirts down. Let's see what else we got here. Oh, that's it. Oh, look, look how big I am right there. Yeah, but that's kind of a sitcom.

Yeah, that is a sitcom look. I'm talking, you know, those shiny black shirts and the fun hair. Yeah, the gold chain, man. Oh, there's a guy, come on. You think I like to tell him, holding the mic to flag him. I'm like, hmm. And then look at that

when it uncone and you're like this distinguished dude. I know. With the suit and like the gray, you look cool as shit. Like that looks like a guy who sells a bad ass tequila. Yeah. That is like I sell tequila. Oh, there he is. Look at that one with the green green button down there. Yeah. Come on. Was that Ben Gleib? Oh yeah, but you were still getting laid. Christina with the bangs, she's got the bangs. Yeah. Look, that's me when I first got to LA on the right, on the, this one, the other one, to the right. That's me when I first got to LA.

Well, that guy's a smoke show. That's how I got laid at 20. What happened? I just fucking neglected myself. Yeah, I guess so, because the one next to it that's like a before and after, or a, yeah, like, that's use. That's like, oh, I started doing stand up,

and I don't know what's gonna happen with my life. This is scary. Yeah, yeah. You know, right. But you got good bones. No pun intended. Like you, you're like a house that's, it was falling apart, but you can see that you reduced.

When you reduce all the fat, the bone structure's not that bad. Not bad, and the eyeballs are gorgeous. Yeah, you're solid. Yeah. And as I got my hair thinning, so I let it grow out just to cover. Dude, do stuff now. This is what you gotta do, you gotta act now.

But what do I do? I mean, I'm on Propecia. Okay, at least you're doing that. That's not enough. I don't know. I don't know the thing to do. I just know that like, I almost want to fucking punch the guy that was cutting my hair.

Because I remember when it started, like I had hair, I'm like, I started to thin. He's like, hey, you know. Oh, no, fuck that. And I'm like, really? He's like, no, man. Like, he was doing it to be like polite. Right, right.

And then like a year goes by. And now this is my, it's either this or like a transplant, you know? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't want to be trans. So I don't want to be trans. So I am having bottom surgery soon, but I, I, no, it's like, no, I'm lucky that I have this shaped head. Yeah, I don't have a fucked up like occipital plate. Right.

But like, yeah, I can just do the buzz, but this is my option now. But I mean, it works. It works well and it's a good head. But you got nice hair, man. Oh, thank you. It's going though. In 10 years, I'm gonna look pretty rough, I think. Well, this is the time.

This is the time. This is the time to reach out to options. Find out what your options are. Keeps and hymns and there's all kinds of shit now. Yeah, there's all kinds of stuff, but like what they all say is like, as you notice it going, you have to do something. If you go like, I'm bald now, they're like, well, yeah.

You're fucked. Yeah, you're fucked. Isn't it weird we can't fix this though? Like, we got everything. It's gonna be like when we're 60. They're gonna be like, oh, just take one pill. I know, we can freeze eggs, ladies. Yeah.

Yeah, we got nothing for the hair. For the fucking hair man. But I think there's all these stats though that say like bald, shaved head is sexy, blah, blah, blah. It's all, you know, it's all like people tell me, you know, I get messages, oh, you know, the beard, I love the beard, and then your next person is like, why don't you shave your stupid beard?

You're like, I don't know. I know, people, they're hard to please. They're hard to please. That's why you get married, you lock it down, you move on. Mark Norman, soon to be a father. Um. Watch me just shoot blanks now after all this. All this time.

Yeah. A couple things you gotta check out. You gotta check out Outta Lunch is special on YouTube. Millions of views you're gonna watch it if you haven't. Tuesdays with Stories with Joe List. We might be drunk with Sam Rill. Super funny guys and I'm sure the podcasts are great. You do them each every week, both a week.

Yeah, weekly. Tuesday and Sunday they come out and people are digging it. Yeah, that's do them each every week, both a week. Yeah, weekly, Tuesday and Sunday, they come out and people are digging it. Yeah, that's awesome, man. Thank you for coming today. Thank you for having me. This is an honor. I'm a fan.

Yeah, well, me too. And I'm so glad Bert's gone. All right. Yeah, watching me find after all this. Thanks for watching, bye. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top and swath the other. Where's the shirt?

Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur, for topology Dirty jokes, ranchie humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave Here are no apologies, and here's what we call Two bears one cave