2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 86 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Felipe Esparza

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

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But what is the other word when there's white people and the rest are just black, Mexican and Chinese diversity? Synthesized diversity! Yes! Yes, that is correct. That's how I remember it, yeah bro. Yeah. The picture is big dog. I'm not sure.

Géon Nápé Lothoulos, we're back. Two bears, those osos. And thankfully, the big fat stinky bear is gone. Hi, Bernadine. So, we're in Serbia. That's right. Hi, Bernadine. Serbia. And I'm so happy to have Felipe Esparza here.

Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for having me. What's up, fool? What's up, fool? So, what's up, fool? It's so good to see you, man. It's always fun to see you make me laugh like crazy. This has been a wild, wildest fuck past 15 months or whatever. Yes man.

Yeah, like I always wonder about, because sometimes you know you, you get used to like, we get used to seeing each other kind of, you know, you pull in the parking lot at the store, ha ha, improv, whatever. You get on that routine. And then some people like, with this pandemic, you're like, I didn't see this dude for like a year. Like I didn't see you for like a year,

it would be longer. Because I remember we were doing, I remember I saw you, we did the improv, that little room next door. Yes. We did Spanish sets there. Spanish sets. Like a month before everything locked down.

And then we did a show either with, I think, the show they do at the comedy store. Yeah. Some Tripoli or Skylar's Stone, one of those shows. One of those shows, okay. Yeah, and that was, but that was like real close to things shutting down. Yes.

Like, and I'm like, oh yeah, I haven't talked to you or seen you since then, man. Yes, man. I thought it, I was in my last show before the pandemic, with a Spanish shot to ice house, with Paro Dregas, and the other comedian in those Spanish, I don't know his name, but he wears a clown, a clown scary mask. El platanito?

No, that's scary, scary here. Ha ha ha ha. It's really like a, he wears like a, like a wrestler type of mask. It's not mask a he worth like the wrestler's not mass almost really but he has purple hair and He talks super super fast Spanish. Yeah, but he has fans. Nobody's saying. Uh-huh, but all my last show His Spanish but before that I didn't show in Washington at the some casino in Yakima Uh-huh

That's during when when everybody was dying in Kirkland, Washington, which was two hours away. And that was at the very beginning of it. A beginning, bro. Beginning. And then did you know after that, you're like, oh shit, it's done. We're done. Like I was already talking about it on stage.

Yeah. Because my opener, the guy I work with, he's a headliner also on Jey Lamont. Uh huh. He's from Death Jam. He does B-Boxing, like put the bottom, put the bottom, put the bottom. And then he does a whole 30 minutes of put the bottom,

and then he sings, he's speedy, man. I won't talk about his breath, but I work with him before the pandemic, and when I got that microphone, it smelled like trash can at the fishermen's ward, you know? But he's speeding everywhere, man. Everywhere, bro. It's not like the trash can at the fishermen ward, you know But he's beating everywhere man everywhere bro now sharing mics is grow like gross now I got my own mic now bro. Oh, yeah, yeah Even but even before all this shit went down. I mean if you ever like smell the mic head like especially at a stand-up show at a

Showcase show where there's like eight people on the mic. It fucking smells like a asshole. Yeah, it's disgusting. When you got a follow-up comedian, let's do the very physical blowjob joke. Oh yeah. Yeah. They always make, they put their mouth on the mic. Or you're in the back and like, you know, if you watch the sides of some comedians, when they talk, you get up close, they're spitting. Yes. You know, like, Jody's man. And then the motherfucker came through. That's why you spits flying all over the place. You got a microphone, you got to baptize people with it. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's it to a Gallagher show. So I was already talking about it because he really spits on a mic like hardcore. Peep box and peep box scene and he sings. And that's one of the things that in the beginning of the pandemic, I read that a lot of people were getting sick at the at the operas. Really?

Because the whole chorus was singing and all that music was traveling all over the room, killing people again. But the music killed everybody. But that was bad. That was bad. You know, that was bad, but 200 people laughing together was okay. Right. That's a good point.

That's a good point, man. So strange though. That was my first show in Oklahoma City at the Bricktown Comedy Club. How long ago? When did you do it? Okay, early August or late July. Okay. On my first show for March.

From March to July August no work. Yeah, mine was like, I think I did September maybe. One of the, uh. It was weird bro. Like they had a guy dressed up almost like a ghost buster before the show and he was spraying the whole place. Really? He was spraying like a machine. he was spraying and they were wiping down. They were like at the weight 30 minutes for the clean.

Uh-huh. But next door at the at the concert hall next door, there was a comedian, uh, comedian, a country singer, singer named Toby Keith. No, Toby something now. Cody Dylan. Okay. Or Cody something. And his show was sold out like 300 people. And it was like the beginning of pandemic, man. July, August. He had a big old fucking line. No mask. Some people know mask. Yeah. No temperatures. He had a tour bus, here a merge bus, here like four, three buses, during the pandemic.

But no mass tour, I don't know. The no mass tour. No, they said there was a problem in Oklahoma city for a while of maybe it was in the whole state of no one wanting to wear masks and the rates kept, you know, the transmission rates kept going up. So. They didn't care there, man.

My next, I don't know if you know the club, there's them at District of Marijuana Shop next door to the Bricktown Comedy Club. I didn't remember that. Oklahoma. So we're walking with our mass in the city. And there were these three dudes, man, like, big old, big old white dude, long hair.

They recognize this. What's the awful? And he passed me his bowl. And you're like no And I said I'm oh man, you know rose regal Taurus, you know my co-host on a paco. Yeah, what's up? Yeah, man And I just left him there when I kept walking But when I saw him again what happened he goes oh man, I got picked me up. I gave him a big hug He wanted me to hit his bowl, call me a pussy,

because they didn't want to hit it. And he's a big goal right now. Big goal country fan, fucking no, that's hilarious. Here, wear my hat. Did you get like super bummed out when we were shut down, like when there was no stand up, Mark, I don't know what we're gonna do, man. Yeah.

My whole life revolves around stand up comedy. Yeah. Every single day, like I wake up, I think I'm about okay, I got two days left, I must see these people for three more days. Yeah. Don't start a fight. I mean, it gets, some people get like the press over it though,

I got kind of bummed out. You get cabin fever, man. Yes. You want to go back. And you forget that that's a drug for you too. The like doing the shows is like a dopamine drip, right? And like when it gets cut off at first, you're like, all right, but after a while,

you're like, oh, I guess I need that. Like I need that. I need that, man. Like when I first got there, comfort and kiss me, you old bitch. Yeah. Yeah. I spent a whole top blank years, man. I was home again.

Yeah, yeah. Being on, it's familiar, man. People don't, I tell people all the time that what I'm most accustomed to is touring, like traveling. I'm used to being gone two weeks of every month for over a decade. So being home all the time feels weird. Especially if you don't know how to manage your time at home and the road. Yeah. And a lot of people can't a lot of community work in the forest. Yeah. They can't they can't manage it. Yeah, man. They don't know how to be a dad at home. Yep. Or their wives too. They don't know how to see the mother fuck her all day.

Yeah, I had to see this one mother fuck her all the time. Like I had to do tours there. Yeah, dude. And then she started, she knew that something that I'm not being, you know, this, I'm not the same. So she would be like, why don't you just go out? She's like, just leave. Go drive or something. And she would be like, why don't you just go out? She's just like, just leave, go drive or something.

And I'd be like, okay, because after a while, I was like, I mean, I still know what to do at home, man. You get through the normal stuff for a while, but when week after week adds up, I'm fucking losing my mind. That's what I'm so excited to go on tour, just because that feels more normal to go and come back. Yeah, it feels great to go and come back.

That's the best part man, coming back. Yeah. And then leave it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know when I'm around too much because when I'm around, like if I, by the second week that I'm home, Christina will usually be like, so when are you going on the road again?

Like, soon, I want it to be soon. Like she'll ask me to leave, you know? And my dogs, I have two dogs, two pebbles, and they got used to me being home all day. Yeah, I want to be home. I animals, they don't care. Oh yeah, they do get used to being home. Yes, yes, yes.

So my dog knows all my movements now. He knows, if I start brushing my teeth, I'm leaving. He's like, oh, yeah, as you brush. Yeah, as I brush, they start blocking the door. Everybody starts stopping me and away home. My wife is popping my tires. Does she like, she likes having you home. Yeah, yeah.

I don't like being home, but I like being on a way a lot. Yeah, man, we're the same with that. Like, I think everybody that tours for a while, you get used to it. You just feel like that's what feels like a regular time, leaving and going, leaving and going. Yeah, man. Even like, when people say,

I don't like doing radio, I like doing radio. You do? Yeah. I bet you've blown so many radio guys' minds though, when they're like, like the first time they meet you, because you're such a unique personality and style, and they're like, who's coming? Oh, it's a comedian, like, okay.

And you come in, I bet they're like, who the fuck is this guy? Like, I bet you've blown so many radio guys. I know they're all quiet at first, and sometimes they start talking about other stuff, and I learned, you know, from one time, I was working with another comedian, he was head headlining and he was promoting his show on the radio But Margaret show had to promote her show too. Yeah, but she called in while he was on the show, mm-hmm

like They shot a banter with her, you know, but she had to do like so many interviews She just kept yelling out. I'm after every question the after Margaret show will for over theater. No, Margaret show. Warfield theater eight o'clock, Thursday night, Friday Saturday. And she just and I and I she kept yelling it out. And I learn from that that every time I don't like with how the interview was going, Philippine Spartan will be at the improv Friday Saturday Sunday. She's keep saying it. Yeah, over and over. Yeah. Yeah. I don't care. But who cares? Like I was doing an interview one time with in Houston. It's a way when I don't know anything. Um, Joe Diaz didn't go. He was me and him co-headlining, but I'm the only one who went to radio. Yeah.

And the, um, the radio guy was like, oh, why dude, man? Like, oh, why do the kind of why do he sleep with a shotgun, you know? Yeah, yeah. I had a name for the shotgun. Yeah. But he thought I was talking about, he thought I like promote his favorite restaurant for free, under show. Yeah. You know, Felipe, you know, sometimes you know, when I really get tired of go have the

margarita at this restaurant. Mm-hmm. Blah, blah, blah. Then he talked about shotguns, you know, and he goes, you know, you know about shotguns, right? I'm pretty sure your people have shotguns. I can have a lay. And I say that's happening. No, no, no, no, no, we don't have shotguns. You know how big a shotgun is instead of a car or shoot somebody, youth pistol, sir. And we hold them sideways. Did he love it? He's got quiet. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like the short ones, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, not big guys. Then I used to see the sick folk ones when they're being here in the 70s. Right, right, right. They kind of assimilated into American culture.

Yeah. Well, still having a Mexican culture also. Yeah, you're right. No, that's totally new, especially to like an old white dude. Yeah, those are the kind of guys that put everybody into one category. Like you're black, you're like this. You're Asian, you're like this, you're Mexican,

you're like this. Unless they're a you're like this, you're Mexican, you're like this. Unless you're a big fan of some light skin is somebody. Don't be like, oh, but you're not like, what's his name? Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned this radio trick, especially if it's not going well from Greg Fitzsimmons, which is when, if like, especially if you don't like what's going on in there, you know, if you don't, especially if you don't like

what's going on in there, you know, if you're like, I'm not feeling this right now, you just start asking them questions. Oh, so basically you just flip it on them. So you're like, yeah, what's going on with you guys though, because when we were at break, you set and you start asking them then a lot of times they'll just start answering it and then sometimes they'll catch on, they'll be like,

hey, what the fuck's going on? Why are you asking us questions? And you're like, cause I hate it here. I did that without thinking. Yeah, the man cow show. Oh, really? Yes. I was doing, um, um, from club, um, I'll do my own show with a guy named Mike E.O.

Uh-huh. And Chicago, he books a bunch of rooms. He probably, he was, he was the first guy to take me to Chicago. Right. I did like a couple of colleges. He's got real, real, he pays you when he changed to the hotel room. He give you all the money and cash.

Then he tell you to leave it here, because we're going somewhere where my friend, my rob you. For real? For real. Like, he'll take me to Cuban restaurants that are not even, they don't have a Cuban names on them, bro. They just say 70 miles.

They do the Cuban restaurant cost $10,000. Because what they cost $70,000, because I had a long time to taste to swim from Cuba to Florida. Holy shit. That's a $10,000. That's a $10,000, yeah. And there's a restaurant name that?

Yeah. And this dude would pay you and be like, leave your money here. Yeah. Because some of my friends might rob be like, leave your money here. Yeah. Because some of my friends might rob you. Yeah, I got like hardcore Puerto Rican Mexican looking fools over there. So this guy took me to a show, right?

He was me and some other comedian. He goes, we're gonna do a Sean Chicago. So we get to a room and see the instant Chicago. But they would start driving like 40 minutes. He's like, I thought we were doing a show in Chicago, no, East Chicago, Indiana. You know, right, you're like, that sets the little different.

Like we're passing Gary, man, and we get there and like, oh, Mexican American Puerto Ricans, and they're all lawyers. So we're doing a show for a scholarship to get more Latinos into one. Law is laws. Yeah.

Wow. Oh man, I feel like, I feel like you've got, I bet you even also blow minds of Latino people though. Like, you know what I mean, you're so unique. Like there's nobody, you're like, I just just like, you don't remind me of anyone. Yeah man, like when I was opening up for Mike Epps, you went on tour with Mike Epps.

Mike Epps, Ricky Smiley, DC Curry, sometimes Michael Blackstone was short for one show, not all of them. And Mike Epps showed, and man, these guys, there's a whole man. These guys, I thought I was funny. I thought I killed, but I never had like everyone laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But man like Ricky Smiley, I don't know if you're receiving perform on Death Jam or BET. This guy was doing like five minutes in between and getting a standing ovation in between. Oh, Jesus man. And then he'll go up there, but this man, he'll start playing a rap, yeah, he has here, man. He's a super nice guy.

And he'll start performing, bro, and like, I was hearing rap songs I never heard of, bro. And like, he'll put, he'll start thinking, bone crusher, or my boy, or a Maori hero in the club, and they think of my perm bird and the whole audience saying Why would never stop never stop and everybody okay? I'll rip your neck to median. Yeah How did you on those shows I think great man do my 15 minutes and leave you know, yeah, and But I'm a here my amps I thought a lot of friends, man.

Like a lot of people are back at those shows. I'm glad I started off. Not hanging out with people after the show, bro. Yeah. I can't be having like people calling me 20 minutes before the show trying to get in. No. Five minutes before the show or a family member for leap. I know you're about to go up right now.

Yeah, yeah. But my mom is a question for you. Isn't that the worst? The worst. I hate that. And I did show, I've done shows where like now I try to like give other people's not like sometimes they'll be like, hey, I want to call about like when I,

when a, when a show is getting set up, they'll be like, who's, what's the contact info for, for us to reach out to you? And I'll give other people's phone reach out to you? And I'll give other people's phone numbers out, you know? I'll give out like the other comic on the show or tour, man, I'll just be like, contact everybody but me. So I just don't want to get hit up. Sometimes you're like, pre-show, you know, your backstage and they'll be like, your cousins here. I'm like, what do you mean my cousins here? I'm like, your cousin, somebody that's

over saying your cousin, I'm like, I haven't asked them at anybody to come, just tell them no. And they'd be like, they say that your cousin, I'm like, they're not, just tell them to go away. For me, they try to give me like this, but I kind of cast on, you know what I'm doing no more. They try to give you the old gift before the show. Oh yeah, yeah.

And then they hang out before the show. But then it's time for the world of the show. You look at that, they look, they got that face like, can we go with you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we go for you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Could we go for a favor? Yeah, no, no, you can't. And I remember this comedian, he did a, um, a show for their kid who was dying, I guess, like I make a wish foundation or something like that. The kid was there and the whole family was there. He invited them to dinner. He made the kid super happy. He died eventually.

But then the whole family hit him up the next year. Is there any way we could relive that moment and our son died, but, oh, fuck, man. And I'm like, I feel exactly like I'm under his reaction, man. For me, man, I get calls like, Philippe, is there any way we could get free tickets to your show, man?

My mother died of coronavirus. My wife has looped it. My brother will kill her drive by shooting. Is there any way I'll give free tickets? And I'm gonna listen, bro, I don't feel comfortable bringing that bad luck to my show. Bro, you are going to some hardcore karma right now, man. Whatever you do, you'll buy the Zerr. You should be passing. You should walk around giving our hugs

Then stop trying to get free shit Fuck that shit, bro. We can't have your show bro. We can't have a fucking stage light falls on somebody Fucking screw the fucking grim Reaper man get out of here for real dog Hey man, I don't know man. Dude, the like sometimes. I don't do Olympias homie. Yeah, sometimes in the comments too, they'll be like, what's up with some free shit? Like can you send me this?

We also do like these ticketed streaming shows that are $10 and And I understand that. That's a hardcore one, right? That's the hardcore one. You need a bucket. Yeah, yeah. But people. $10 is good for that type of shit, bro.

$10, but I'm saying that's a very accessible price. You know what I mean? And I understand that like not like everybody has a different situation, but I get, sometimes I get messages of people are like, you know, it'd be cool to check this out if you made this a little bit, you know, I mean, if it wasn't so expensive, I'm like, it's $10, man.

It's some guy from Santa Cruz, it means the reality. That's who's setting that comment. It does, it does more memes of two better than one cave. Oh, memes, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's, all those mean people are hilarious. I don't know what memes are reality, bro. Memes of reality, what is it? Oh my, Deezis, yeah, dude. He's, all those mean people are hilarious. Hellarious. I don't know what means that reality, bro. Memes of reality, what is it? Oh my, Deezus, Nackro.

Oh my, Deezus, another one, yeah. Yeah, he's super funny, Chase Leopard. There's that comedy content collective I think they, they, they, oh, dude. They, they, they, they, they, So bunch of fools who live with their mom and hang on and couch it. Yeah.

For real, but all the way to the hood. Where the hood is, bro. Yeah, sweat the hood. I wear hoods too, man. I can't believe it. But I'm a face, bro. They were oversized hoodies, but they're like monks. Podcast monks.

There's like a uniform. They know more information about podcasts. Dude, yes. Like that was like 500 episodes ago. You just want to talk about it now. Yeah, they don't forget. The time I want to know about what really went down in 280 You're like what no, I've had people I know they bring up shit to you where you're like what and they're like you said that And then you go I said that like 2015 man, and they remember they remember the exact storyline

What your parents that what you like it's amazing you forget I exact storyline, what your parents said, what you, like, it's amazing. You forget, I think they do too, that they know everything about you and you know nothing about them. Nothing. Yeah. And they know everything about you.

Everything you've put out for a decade. It's crazy. Or like something on our podcast, we talk shit about other comedians, but in a fun way, you know. And we know them, but these people don't know how long we know them, you know forever.

So these guys, then they go there and they go run over there and rattles out bro, like big viejas, bro, like ladies, bro. Man are the biggest gossipers. Forget about women. Yeah, you're right. I never have no woman, little to my podcast, and go talk shit about me, another podcast about me.

So it meant men are the pettiest. Pettiest. Men are also the most jealous. Men are like, the amount of guys who have told me they're like, like, damn dog, you're ugly or whatever. You're like, what? Like, why are you telling me this, man? Why do you care?

They're like, you're ugly as fuck, bro. I know, right? You're gotta watch how when you do a Lot go live on your Instagram. Yeah, man, man. How are you motherfucker? Way trying to be young yeah, or when I don't want to don't try to be young you look old Take they're gonna be like take your hat off while you wear in this shit, and you're like, I don't know I just grabbed it that ain't for you like they're just telling you what to wear Or the word so strange would you just there trying to be a politician say something for most something? Yeah, somebody passes by that all your wife or somebody and they they stay there too long

And they they're gonna watch themselves get roasted live. Yeah Yeah, by the fans Yeah, yeah, yeah, by the fans Baby, I think you just turn around. You know probably leave the frame hard core Yeah, yeah, or if you try to be like genuinely positive for a while people will be like is this a joke? You're like what? Or or if you don't comment on their political views. Yeah, yeah, or I thought you were Mexican. I thought, yeah, how dare you? How dare you? You don't care about kids and cages.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. Go get one. Go get one.

Go get one. Go get one. Go get one. Go get one. I'll get two of them. They need fucking legalists. Oh man, you know, stick to comedy. But then when you do get political, stick to comedy.

Stick to comedy. Yeah, you can't win. You can't win. Which actually tells you that you should do exactly what you want to do and just ignore all that noise. You know what I mean? If you want to talk about something political, you should fucking talk about it and who gives a fuck if somebody's telling you to stick to comedy.

And if you want to stick to comedy, you should do that too. You should do whatever you want to do. Fuck those people. Or the worst is when one of your coworker comedians, you know, somebody you know, or somebody you don't even know personally, but you're just a comedian, you follow him, they follow you, they go,

that person is a deep shit right now, whatever he's doing. Oh, enough of you. I know, I know, they go through the friends list, you start emailing, I got an email, I'm like, you still follow him? Really? You still follow him?

Yeah. You see what he said? But I know all that stuff. But I've been seeing a guy in two years. Yeah, yeah, of course. That's so funny. Even now, the extent of like, are you doing the right thing from the mob? It's like, are you following somebody still?

Like they want to get on you for that? It's fucking ridiculous man. It's crazy man. It's crazy. It is crazy and also There's something that somebody said how long do you want someone to get punished for something they said like really? Like who is this we should have a big bench bro for us. Yeah a big What do they call it when your mom's things danger that benching cry there for the corner? Yeah, detention or whatever. Detention or the corner, but no, no, no, benching. Yeah, yeah, just fucking sit down for a while.

That reminds me of the way we might know that Twilight Zone episode where they have everybody who won the neighborhood. And they're thinking that you were fools there. So they do, they turn off all the power except for one house. Now he's the bad guy. So they all go to his house. So then his life goes off too, but another house goes like, oh, it was him all along.

And then so these idiots are just going to switch other and then at the end of this two marsh and just fucking with the lights. I think that those people are honestly, like they just have nothing, and this makes them feel like they're contributing. Like the person that goes, like, are you following that guy?

Has nothing going on in their life? I imagine. Because like what they felt good about is that they emailed Felipe Sparzo about who he follows on social media. Like as if that's a contribution of any kind, you're not doing a fucking thing. You're not doing anything.

Like what are you doing? What do you want me to do? Yeah, I mean, and then if you respond, you're right. I'm going to unfollow now. Thank you. Thank you for doing the right thing. Like what are you doing with your life? Like that's what you're contributing?

Who Felipe follows? Like, I don't know, man. I just, it's depressing at the end. You're just here to get clout. Yeah. Clout chasing for sure, man. I don't even know what that is. I don't know either.

I just heard someone say it. All right, what's up? I had comment on one of Joe Rogan's posts. It was neither negative or positive. Yeah. But it was just enough to get both people. Yeah, like a middle of the road comment. Yeah.

And then it got like pretty good. But then it goes through hours where you're all start first. Like, oh, yeah, pretty good. Yeah. And the second hour was like Then the third one go back to Mexico. Go back How often do you get that? I should be anymore

I get break I guess not all you just live in California stuff Do and then is there a whole thing? Cause there, you know, in every community kind of has this kind of, you know, I don't know, the spectrum of like, are there Mexican people who are like, you're not Mexican, like you're not Mexican dude. Like they're, you're not Mexican enough for them. Yeah, that's to be one of those guys.

So somebody told me that. Really? Yeah. So you would say that to other people? Yeah. Like you're not Mexican dude. Yeah, growing up. Like I would see like people like the Mexicans that were in our neighborhood,

with your whole of a witness. You know, they never went outside, but in my school, they were crazy as hell. And then like my friend, they'll be like doing positive stuff. Come on bro, you're not Mexican bro. You put ketchup in a taco. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you say shit like that to them. Yeah, or they Or they can't eat something because they're sick. Oh fuck you man. Yeah, Mexican. You doctor not Mexican Me too. You can eat tortillas no more because you're fat Wait until you bread

But you think you think get it like from From you know, the young the younger Latinos, you know, the younger Latinos, you know. Yeah. As they get, the younger ones, you know, they start going to school, you know, they got more, they got more things to know, more things to read, they could investigate more, then they get mad, you know, they start going through like stuff I said.

At the first time somebody tried to go after me, you know, but didn't go too far with when I was supposed to host Trappicalia in Long Beach. I went from hosting to doing a 30-minute set to do it 15 to just doing seven and hurry up and get off Colostez and North they're trying to get up. Oh, right, but I did joke that I do on stage, you know, but this was like a all millennial crowd and you know, generation next to crowd, but most millennials. And there was a white dude in the front by himself and amongst brown people. And then I started doing my sets. People were laughing and I was putting him out of there, man. How did he get to a front?

Check his pockets, man. Somebody about to get shot right and then like That's right making fun of like I said man He goes go. I don't want a big guy man, but I'm not like those big women He got titties in the back of her back, you know, yeah, so that was it. They didn't want to all this stuff and I got off the stage Some and it was mostly like was a Latino guy and a Latin triple-legs woman. And she said, I thought we were supposed to be here for a safe space. I thought that with a place where we all get together

and Felicia, Felipe, as part of the point is not the only white Caucasian male in the audience and makes them feel better for everybody. Pretty much, he was trying to get him jumped. Oh my God. She's no fun, dude. I want us, we should have a meeting with a promoter of where we're from.

Oh my God. But Gallia together. So we could, um, and did they try to talk to you? No. Hell no, that girl has to fucking eight followers, bro. Yeah. But you had our friends, you know, her other friend of 10 followers. Man, when I was going over my act

for the next special in Netflix, it was a little dark, you know. I think about my mom getting beat up by my dad. So I did those jokes in Chicago, bro, I would never think there was a class like this. Those are the class from crest university or some big university in Chicago and they take a class called um called sensitivity and I can't I can never forget the other word bro but what is the

world the world when it's not when there's white people and the rest are just black Mexican and Chinese diversity. Scented to everything diversity. Yes. Yeah, sadness, that's correct. That's how I remember she had broke. Yeah. You got to pay pictures, big dog. Yeah.

So this last was diversity and sensitivity. Listen man, I have a daughter and if I was paying for college and she took the tech class, I would have sent her home man. Really? I would have sent her to East LA college. You want diversity? You want sensitivity? How do you feel? Yeah, right, right, right. So this cloud with a bar sensitivity and diversity, right? So I did my hard core set. None of the kids liked it, but two girls liked it. Then she emailed me like a super long essay letter, bro, that my wife had to read, you know, and I'm...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And she said something about basically the best thing of the letter was, can you tell me, can you give me a little feedback about your life and when you come from so I could take that back and use that as an argument with the rest of the students because they're all going to be bashing you and I want something to say about you okay to talk about where these jokes come

and how did you write these jokes that's interesting that she thought like that yeah and then my wife said listen man, he lost. Really? You're not going to win this fight. Yeah. Because it's just you, it's the whole class. Yeah, just take the L, just say Felipe, that's Felipe's act. Yeah.

To make it change nothing. Yeah. That's amazing though that she was like angling for how to defend you. Yeah. Now, in reality though, how rough would you describe your upbringing? Like, well, I've like a side that lies to me and say that I was good.

Yeah. But then you know when you're alone at night, you know, alone by yourself, you know alone by yourself and like somewhere by yourself like in Color middle travel port Iowa. Yeah, we're a shitty party. You know see the rapids You know, and you start thinking about your life. Oh, yeah I look at you at hardcore movies like City of God Mm-hmm And you go okay my life was similar to that but not like that, but it was similar

Yeah, my heart I live in the housing projects of Pico Aliso, Pico Gardens, and Aliso Pico, which was like all housing projects. This is an E-cell A. Yeah, Boyle Heights. And we had elementary school in the projects, Utah Elementary School, Mr. Cornell, was a principal at Mr. Cornballs.

And dude, I don't know why, but Mr. Cornel was like a dick, you know, he and Mr. Jefferson, they were standing at the side entrance of the school and just block kids and take all the candy away. Really? Yeah. Mr. Cornel would take everybody's gum and he would just take it all away.

Like it's like, like Gestapo shit that you can't be bringing all candy in school. And if he caught you chewing gum, you'll make your gum on your nose. So you're gonna walk around with gum on your nose. You see little kids crying in shit, putting their gum on their nose. How old are the kids he's doing this to? Elementary kids, like 9, 10. Oh my god, he's traumatic to them.

I had a teacher named Mr. Edwards. He was missing like three fingers, he would hear like a fingers and he had like a two by four like that wrestler. Oh yeah yeah and every time we'll start getting it we'll start yelling and getting loud he will get that two by four bang on his death real hard like door bro like like Thor, bro, like, ah, shut up. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,'t use drugs, I was 20. 20? Yeah, but I dragged when I was 15. Okay, yeah. Would you drink for school? But why is there no one I didn't? Not for school though.

No man, but I was like, I knew what, when I was in seventh grade, there was this guy named Brian, and he was from the first three crypts of my neighborhood. Mm-hmm. And I grew up with him, I knew him, but I, man, he was one of those dudes that he was already a man, bro. I said in the seventh grade. Yeah. Like he would

knock you fools out and never dirty your sword already. Like he was big dog. And he would come in like with a duck cane. And he had a golf hat in seventh grade. A golf hat broke, like a corduroy golf hat, with two little clubs on it. And he'll have a dodged blue jacket and he walking with a duck cane and sit down. Wait, what's a duck cane? Well, he had a big old cane with a cane,

but the handle of the cane was a duck. A duck? This is a seventh grader? Yeah. And if you open, and an opening, you can open the duck, and then there's a little tube to hide stuff. What is he, he's 12?

13, 12. But see, I grew up in Boyle Heights, and there's a lot of factories right there, so they probably broke into a factory. They had a bunch of canes or whole neighborhood like canes. Oh, really? Yeah, just walking around.

OK. So I remember one day I was sitting there. I was the only friend because I'm the only one from the projects in the class. So you just sit in there and man like cross leg like this. You know, like a man, man, like just sitting like this. Not paying attention to the teacher, you know. And some stoner dude comes in, like he has really long hair.

He's a stoner of what they call him, Mac Daniel, a stoner 13, he was from stoner 13. He had a, he wore a jersey, a New Orleans jersey, the other colors. And he had like, that was a first-out cocaine. He had like a little powder cocaine. And he goes, he showed it to me. And he goes, um, you know, anybody wants to buy it. And me, I'm no drug dealer. But I went to that, that dude Brian and the same man that guy wants to

sell you some coke if you have it. He'll, yeah, I'm talking about my father and the bathroom after the class and I want to go tell him He may say you can be the man of the bathroom right to the class and Then like I said not tell him I'm good You know anything to do with it. Yeah, he knew as I get robbing a bathroom. Yeah, of course. Yeah, so I remember world Me and this guy named Ronald Page Ronald Ronald Coco, Coco, they called him. Him and I were roasting each other, bro, like they call it bagging back then. But like it was just improvised, bro,

making fun of each other's moms, bro. It wasn't even like your mom was so fat. It was like fuck, your mom got deported, you know? Yeah, yeah. Your mom was black, you know? You fucking wet back, you African booty snatchers, you know, you guys eat each other, it was hardcore. Seven, nine, eight, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like we had a whole school there, you're hot, black. You know, and yeah, bro, I fucked him up, but he fucked me up more, right? Yeah. Because he knew more about me than you about him. Right now, yeah, that'll help. And, but the next day, him up but he fucked me up more right? Yeah. Cause he knew more about me than you about him. Right. Yeah. That'll help.

And, but the next day, he thought, and he thought, you're gonna be a comedian, bro. I went around looking for people that he backed on before just to take their jokes. Seriously? And you were like, hey, what'd you say about that? How did you fuck him up? Okay, give me that joke.

Right? So the next day, I brought him with fucking 10 good jokes that's been stood about his mom that nobody has that other than no. I found out by a girl that is like she's like she used to be a lesbian but not anymore. She got into a fight with his mom in high screen bitter nipple off. So you dropped that on him? For hell yeah, brother. And then I thought of you know that red more I had right here. He had one in his fucking under his nose a black one So what's up, Malcolm? You have your mouth nipped on your lip. Oh

He had like a half he had like a brother that didn't think so well, you know, man Back then you know you was targeted man, but not anymore You know, he was just I don't know what they call him now, but he's slow. He didn't think so else another way to slow, but you were going to buzz with a ram helmet, you know? With a ram as helmet and I started making fun of him, bro. Yeah. And then I said, bro, what's so that? I think you got that fucking that nipple right there on your nose when your mom fucking that nip word, they're on your nose when your mom was making chocolate cookies

and won't fall on your nose, you went, woohoo! And then, so he got mad, broke, he got more mad. And they broke us off, he was losing. And the next day, I tried to make fun of more people, but I took it too far. The Brian was standing there laughing like this. So later on in the classroom,

Brian was killing, bro, he saw Brian laughing. He was laughing like this, but I was saying cuss over and over. He was laughing like this, cuss. He saw that, he was even swinging that fucking duck around, and shit. He was here quip walking laughing, bro. The full making fun of him,

I'm gonna go tell that motherfucker right now, you said that. So I thought he told him, bro the you. I'm gonna go tell that motherfucker right now. You said that So dude, I thought he wouldn't he I thought he told him for the next day. I didn't go to school But I ditched just to not running them You didn't want to meet that. I've never cut class. I've never went to a ditching party The next day After school and I did when I when I ditched class and I found out that he didn't go to school either, man, I went to his neighborhood where he hanged out at with all the crips, with all the catalax were,

just to apologize. I went to go look for, I found it in Native American guy named Allen and he told me, where did he live at? He told me, they were running my bike. He goes, right in your bike, you loan him your bike, yeah, two days ago. You're the kind of do bro that already hope like if you loan him your bike, he'll be like kind of asked for that to ride your bike. And then like he'll write it for you dad to do a kick warm and then keep going

and you're like, look at that, your bike. Oh, yeah, loan it to him. A seventh grader. So he would like to, he would like to, he would like to show the night of Friday of the neighborhood. Right, right, but in a seventh grade. And did you apologize to him? I found out that he didn't know shit, so I was cool. Oh, okay.

Yeah, man, I better put that now on, man. This is the scariest 12-year-old I've ever heard of. I was scared, bro, I was scared. You don't wanna meet that duck, you swing that duck. Oh, was scared bro. I was scared. You don't want to meet that duck. He's swinging I know man Yeah, man. I'm here. He had another brother and I'm I never saw him again But I know that on Facebook. He's married to a white woman. So he's doing good He's calm down. Yeah, yeah, why we want to do that to you. They'll calm you down

He's calmed down. Yeah, yeah, why we want to do that to you? I don't calm you down Yeah, man, I grew up and and that's up an environment man like but when you're in it You don't see it funny outside. You think it's normal. You're a part of it like we live really far from supermarkets Like other you have to go through three bad gang neighbors or. Like you can't even walk to the bonds because there was a gang that need to control, this gang that need to control Hollumback Park in the neighborhood and that's like a run, like a mile from my house. And anybody that will walk through there

that was not from there will get chased out. Oh shit. So they were controlling the park and then like there were a bunch of like border brothers, bro. Wait, then how did you, like you must have entertained and then like there a bunch of like the border brothers bro Wait then how did you like you must have entertained the idea of joining a gang right? There's no way you live in a neighborhood like this and when you see gangs I think the gangs are the coolest shit when you're man. I was hanging around with these guys since I was like 16

Yeah, but not really like being involved or being there when it's hardcore. Because they were like, like most kids, we were into hip hop and break dancing and pop locking and going to stairs and shoplifting white gloves, you know? So all my friends were good break dancers, windmills, all that shit, pop lock, you roll by them, moonwalking, I can never do none of that man. So I would like I would provide merch I guess if you want to see merch. My brother when my brother never

just do white gloves from you know magician's shirt I was wearing a wearable salad to those guys. You sell them too? That's not some magician gloves. You know my brother would cut up cardboard and sell it to them. Really? But but did you never did you want to be a gang member? No, I didn't want to but One day I was hanging out with the same guys and they were going around the neighborhood looking for fallouts of the gang To take them to court, you know, yeah, why you hanging out no more? Basically, they were looking for people who haven't hung out no more to either jump them out or give a little beating You know, so I was walking around with them and I got solid. I got out into it having hung out no more to either jump them out or give them a little beating, you know?

So I was walking around with them and I got out into it and you know that I started beating people up too. Yeah, but not even in the gang. So then one day those smallest little pieces of shit guy from the gang goes, so what's so bad man? You wanna get jumped to the hood? And I like, I didn't know what to do right there. I was like 19, like how dare this 13 year old tell me this?

Yeah, he's a kid, a kid. So I looked at the side and there was this guy next to me, this fat dude, I think they call him grimace, I guess. And I just punched him in the mouth, bro, without looking, without even thinking. And I just started punching two more guys to find anybody just to help me. And then you're in the gang? Yeah. Without looking without even thinking and I just started punching two more guys To finally there by just drop me And then you're in the gang. Yeah, okay, so you were in the gang. Yeah, okay

So you joined which gang all the gang of boilheights is Heights. Is there, but like was it, were you crypts or? No, we're Mexicans. Okay. So like, but. But, we, we, when I was jumped in, it was Mexican, but when we before, when the gang was first started, when they were like in the 10 years old, 12, 13, 14, they were all like half black half Mexican.

Okay. So they were like, they were grandfathered by crypts. Okay. So people were like, just respect them and call them the Mexican. Okay. So there were grandfathered by grips. Okay. So people were like just respected and called them the Mexican grips. Okay. But they're not. When I lived in the Rampart division for a few years.

Oh. Yeah. I sucked. Between a Rampart and Alvarado. And there was a big gang war at the time. Well, just consistent, I should say, between the 18th Street gang and... Not a B.A.

Forget. Amit Thirteen. Yes, that's the Rehoor, yeah. Yeah, so, and they would, you know, they would always like one time that, one day, I heard, I was like, that sound like a fucking grenade went off. And a guy in front of our building had shot a dude in the head with a 45

And then he just Put the gun down the ground and sat there and waited for the cops to come The guy that killed him just waited And it was like I mean, it was wild wow. He must have been ready for an upper managed position Exactly and people ask me but like have never heard of shit It was wild. Wow, he must have been ready for an upper managed position in prison. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. People ask me, have never heard of shit. They're like, wait, why would he wait?

I'm like, I mean, clearly he was comfortable with that life. He's waiting to go to prison. Man, I was in the bus, the RTD bus, and I was going to East LA College on the way to do something, probably a show. And I was coming to East LA College, on the way to do something, probably a show, and I was coming from right here, I'm at water, and I'm just chilling in the back. And then there's these two tigers,

and one of them writes on the fucking bus, and the other one gets up, and takes out his 380 pistol and aims at him. But he's not a professional, he was in race right, and the other one gets up and takes out his 380 pistol and aims at him. But, you know, he's not a professional, you know, he was in race right, you know, he's not raising a farm, you know, how to shoot a gun properly.

He thinks he's gonna shoot a gun like in the movies. Sure. He clocked it back and the bullet came out and it fucking when he clicked, he didn't shoot, it didn't, it didn't, it didn't, He's on a bus. And a bus. So like, that do run out of the bus,

then the guy ran out chasing him. Fuck man. So I had to, I got out of the bus too. And I walked to my mom's job because she works at the elementary school and second-stual elementary school. And I want to go talk to you guys, take all these kids and all the children right now.

Because there's a guy running around, with a guy running, with a guy running around with a guy running running around with a gun looking for another guy and he might run inside the school. Holy shit man. Yeah and that was I mean that did that feel routine? I felt I was scared bro because I was like out of that lifestyle you know like like you know. Yeah I live in that water now man. Yeah and um but like when I live in a neighborhood like that neighborhood like in the housing projects like that neighborhood, like in the housing projects where I was growing up in the early 90s, late 80s,

maybe there was shooting every single night, man. Did those scare you or they just became? No, I was scared you were little, but now when it was, but people who grew up in that neighborhood, they know how to say, oh, that's a 45. Yeah, or that's the AK. It's fucking wild. Well, that's what do's, do's.

Mm-hmm. Just by the sound. The sound, yeah. Like I live in a neighborhood where marijuana was sold a lot in the early 80s. When marijuana was hot, it was called Thailand. So they sold Thai bud, like big, like we're talking long stems of Thai stick.

Good weed and they were selling it there, bro. They was like traffic. Like there was a bunch of cars all day long just to buy that weed and then that dried out. So then a crack came in and that's when people started getting shot and killed. When you say you didn't try any drugs so you're 20, does that include weed?

Like weed crack every day. So you started weed? Like weed, crack, everything. So you started weed at 20? Yeah. You'd never tried it before. No. And was that the first thing you tried? Yes. I tried weed at my friend's Christmas party.

And were you in love? Yeah. Yeah. Where can we get more? Yeah. And then how long until you try crack? Um, I try crack. And I was 20, 20 and at once, do you do you remember like most people here, the word and they're like,

I don't like, were you excited to try it? Are you hesitant? No, it was bummed out. I was depressed. You were there. Okay. My brother was just shot. Mm hmm. My brother was just shot and two of my friends were murdered, you know, and another guy was killed with shot. My brother was just shot and two of my friends were murdered, you know, and another guy was killed, was shot. My brother was like in a hospital, you know. So you were really sad? I was sad. And I was thinking I was somebody that that smoked a lot of crack.

And I normally like, I was, I was just, I was that dude, bro. I was like hanging out with people that smoke a lot of crack, but don't want to go look for it. Right. So when they were there needed, just tap me in a shoulder and I was just giving them, giving them money. So one day, I got you, bro, I just put it on a table

and I thought I was smoking with him and stood up for like four days straight. Four days straight? Five, that's quite a binge. Yeah. And I don't know if the only thing I've heard described is that it's super intense. Like it's, you know, you don't know it? No, I never did it.

But, but the high wears off pretty quickly. Oh man. It's like ejaculating, bro. Really? You're holding it again right away. Wow. So you just can't get enough of it. No, man man it's

like it's like the first one is like the best you know like you're up there like yeah man and then like you have to just chase in the dragon man the whole time scraping a pipe yeah doing hardcore shit four days was your was that was your first no my the lot of been up with five days. Fuck yeah, man, like I didn't even know, man. Like I was at a comedy show in Montabelo, California I shot out to walk a Yodiz. This is during your five day binge?

Yeah, I was at walk a Yodiz. I started up on Wednesday night. I'm in a guy there that I haven't seen in years, bro. Yeah, like like I run out to him, bro, I'm not the type of person that'll care, to remember somebody by bad stuff that happened to him. So I say the wrong thing all the time sometimes, I gotta stop myself.

But I know you, bro, you're the guy that went to the fucking home motel room with those chicks and the other comedians and the girl's store you're watching and she was wearing it the next day at the club with she was bragging on it. They're like, thanks, man. She was wearing it the next day at the club with a show of bragging on it. They're like, thanks man. Yeah, she came the next day bro. She was holding the watch, fuck that fool.

Trying to fight with all bad and shit. And she was dancing with it and the love she had on people. And he got embarrassed. Of course. Son of everybody. So he wanted a party and I wanted a party. And he has drugs. So we went through party and I wanted a party. He has drugs. So we went to his place and we just started party, man.

But I never party like this, you know, like dangerous party because I could have died. Yeah. Because we're doing Xanix too. Oh yeah. He goes, what is that for, bro? That bro, that's your slow down, your heart, eh? So down your heart, eh?

That's good for you so I don't know I'm gonna put the whole thing inside you know how you gotta do a little piece slow it down a little bit down so three day later dog three day later my wife my wife my girlfriend the time picks me up and I even know him from my whole chest. I was alive. I'll come down my mouth You know everything is no money, but no this drug But I was the last time that was the last time. Yeah, I was I was up for five days So I know how were you in that one down? I was out doing still doing comedy bro 2006 Okay 2007 I haven't done none of that shares in 2009 when I quit. And that was quitting. I mean,

all you hear about is how addictive these things are. Oh, man. So how was quitting? Quitting is tough, man, because you know, as a comedian, you know, especially when everybody know you like to party. Yeah, exactly. So you gotta keep away from those people, you know, they want a party. Sure. You know, so I will go to a club and I would say not no beer or drink or nothing. And then they leave after the show and they go home and just move. Yeah. Mugweedle. Wheatle carry you through a lot of it. Yeah, man. I think that you have a a, I still have a call of anonymous. They should have a meeting for just part of his, but don't want to use hardcore drugs or drink beer or be scandalous, you know.

Yeah, yeah. Did you have withdrawals? No, you get depressed a lot, you know. Because you're missing it, right? You're missing it, and you know, you're so, so high, now you're so low, low. Yeah. You feel like a loser, man, like you're a piece of shit. But... Cry a lot. Yeah. Yeah. You cry a lot by yourself. You think about the bad stuff you're dead, you know, you think about, um,

people you've heard. Yeah. If you get past that for the, it's the hardest is the three first three days. It's those three days of thinking about bad stuff. People you, you don't wrong. If you get bads that for first three days, you're gonna be okay, man. The next couple of days, I'll just one day the time after that. A lot of people don't quit because they think about everything that happened, they were done.

You know what, man? This is the advice I gave to my daughter. My daughter was like strong out one night, and then she was coming down, and then she was telling me, you know, I feel so bad, what should I do listen right now? Right now, everything you're thinking about right now, no one is thinking that about you, only you are.

Yeah? Only you knew you were destroying yourself. Now I know, but I'm the only person that knows that. Take a big hot shower, read a book, do some push-ups, take a nap, because the next day you're gonna feel the same way again. That's good advice, man. That's good advice. Because you know if you think you're gonna bother, you're gonna cry, you're gonna go back to shooting up or whatever the next level, man. Yeah, you got to switch your mentality on it. Or cry, man. Yeah, that helps too. Put you a little corner, man, and put your hand up and go,

BEEP! Yeah, I feel better after a good cry. Me too, man. Yeah. Start playing, um, I'll start playing fucking, um, new young old man. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that'll put tears.

That was made to cry, yeah. And then when you find out, when you fucking, when I, when that's all you to make me cry, bro, like, whatever, oh man, take a look at myself. I'm like, like, 25 and there's so much more. But then when you're like, I, I, I read a, I saw an interview of New Young talking about it. How we, why you wrote the song?

And I'm looking at him going, come on motherfucker, that's not gonna do that rancher. Is that what it's about? The song is about, he bought a farm when he was 25, 27, after he blew up in California somewhere. But there was people already working the farm from the pre-resonant. So they were grandfathered into the farm. But there was an old guy there that had been there forever, two owners before. So the story is about

the old guy that's been living at that farm and taking care of the farm. It's a beautiful song. Yeah. Yeah. And it does, it makes it is an emotional song. Yeah. Yeah. You start digging a body and shit. My mom, my mom should you dad or. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus man. What can you do, man? Like, you Jesus man, what can you do man like you have kids right yeah two kids? Hodorly one will be once five the other one is almost three a couple of while yeah My wife and I we were trying to have a baby We had our own podcast called in Shalada casserole

My wife and I and I know and I, and I talked about like not comedy stuff. We just talked about our stuff, who's trying to get a baby. And she had like three minutes of carriages. But dude, man, the first one, the second one was like, you feel the heartbeat, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Then you come back a month later, and you know, hear that shit?

Yeah, that's the state. It's the state. So then we went back a third time But this time though, baby, what I don't know what they call it stillborn. Yeah, where you know there was no heartbeat There was nothing but it's still there and you gotta still push pull it out. Yeah I was driving an ox not when that thing was gonna come out the Because yet it looks you never the minutes carriage. Yeah, but it's just she's coming out bro while we're driving. And I'm trying to get to Oxnard to take us to the hotel, go to the show, bro.

It felt like a reservoir dog's bro. For real, it felt like I was fucking Harri Kaitel, telling my wife, Chen Ruff, you're never gonna die, you're gonna be okay, everything's gonna be okay. And I'm passing her bro, Okay, everything's gonna be okay, and I'm giving I'm passing her bro Be um, we have these luckily we brought these um, these are dog diapers

Bro, they're getting fucking soaked bro in the car like if though we would have got pulled over They would they just stabbed this woman. Yeah And it was exactly that dab dog and this was between her legs and her stomach, but she was losing the baby in the car on the way to the show Holy shit, man So man to go drop her off and Where at the hotel at the hotel and with my two rabbits and my stepson and I want to go do the show Wait your stepson was there too. Yeah, he was in a bag like to be cool. You know the headphones With headphones on yeah, and there's rabbits in the? You're in the back, you know, chilling too. This is wild scene, man.

Yeah, man. You're gonna be alright. But I'm like this, but driving a bus, fucking a bus, Mel Bro. It's like fishing me a war, fish shit. Get poor woman. Oh my gosh. Just to survive that shit.

And then she just like, was she okay in the hotel? Yeah, she was okay, man. But what happens is that you feel contractions, but they're no baby. Right. So it must be painful, darling. Oh, I'm sure, I'm sure. That's so sad, man.

I'm sorry. Yeah, man. But you know, she got a hysterectomy, everything's cool, man, and my daughter had a son and We watch him now. Oh, that's cool. It was a blessing. How was your hell your His true is to he was born in Sweden really my wife my daughter was living in Sweden with her man Mm-hmm. She lived there for two years in Sweden. Yeah, wow So she speak my son speaks my my grandson speaks Swedish

As bad English, so he's kind of confused right now in school. Sure. Yeah, that's normal. Yeah That's so I get to see my daughter every day now, so she doesn't have a Lee and that's dope man. We didn't grow up together So you did not not but now you get to see her all the time She's still the time and you have a grandson. Yeah, that's amazing And I'm I'm I end up getting closer to him really you can my my I want to bring down the show my what my daughter has Triminal breast cancer But all these hit me in a pandemic rule

Like during a pandemic. I found out that my wife is my wife my mom She has like Alzheimer's or something her mind. Yeah. But if anyone like everyone when you have brother, I don't know if you have brothers. I have two sisters. But they get so dramatic, you know, but when shit goes bad, you just come over here right now. Yeah. Where are you?

I get to know my mother, who I am. Felipe, how you been? How you been? How you been? How you been? How you been? How you been? How you been? How you been? How you been? How you been? How much time you have been here? You come here? You know, I remember the name of the Felipe de Jesus. But nobody in my house called me Felipe.

So I had to deal with that. And then my mom, she got vaccinated. But my daughter was a hardcore one because we're on Zoom. And she told me that she has cancer and it's a respect to her bones, you know. You know, there's not much we could do, you know, but just slow it down right now. Yeah, so they gave her like already years so like We have good times, you know, but there's time you know when we have to get serious That's the hard part, you know, because like last week you told me my doctor told me that I got a

sign my son over to you guys And I'm worried about how about his father, you know, like he had a father too, you know Is he gonna release him to me because I don't want to be have this cross country custody about it when you're gone You know or only be say like he I don't want to drop my brother, you know, yeah It's like internet finds out free pistol a baby. Yeah, you know Yeah, that's gonna not without my child You know, yeah, yeah, so they're like stuff that I'm dealing with, you know, yeah, that's gonna not without my childhood, you know, yeah, so they're like stuff that I'm dealing with You know, but my daughter has a super personality. She like a gangster. She's like me, you know

She's just a same personality but a woman. Yeah, and we get along fine. I'm so sorry to hear that man. Oh man Thanks Tom, but we're good man and we're happy. My daughter is super happy. And the dad's not gonna make you on that. My son, my grandson, my grandson's talked to his dad on Zoom. I'm not gonna take away that from him, man. Of course. I'm not gonna make sure his,

I'm gonna make sure he's dad involved, as long as he can, to one day, you know, he said, I can, I thought another family, whatever. I'm a, I'm a bea-ler, you know, I'm a make sure that dad sees him because I didn't see my daughter growing up. Yeah. Yeah, so.

Man, that's, that's heavy. It is, man. Crazy shit, huh? Yeah, very, very crazy shit. We're still there to say jokes, though. I know. I, uh, well, I was actually thinking about you, because I was thinking about the fact that with your life, like how crazy it is, like if you told a 18 year old,

or 15 year old Felipe, what your life is now, I bet that kid wouldn't believe it, right? He'll say stupid. Yeah. You're fat ass?'t believe it, right? He'll say stupidity. Yeah. You're fat ass? Yeah. Yeah, right? What are doing that 15 virgin?

Joking off to green porn? Green? You know the shrivel porn? Oh yeah, yeah. Scramble shit. Bro, a spice channel. Bro, playboy after Darrys to come out on Tuesday nights. Yeah.

Right after the cheers reruns at midnight and And no one had cable, you know housing projects, but there was one channel that looks scrambled and And And with the right extension cord is the right antenna you could see half our ass here. Yeah, and Bro, I just want to watch it, but I couldn't because I don't have a TV Bro, I used to walk around asking my friend, bro, can I buy a extension cord? Who I want to buy a extension cord? Come on, I'm bringing a 19 inch color TV all the way to my inside my bed.

And I got to plug it into the bathroom. And that's where you are. So I'm watching a porn role like this, dude. When my brother in a bunk bed is hearing me hearing this. It's weird man, when you sleep with somebody, you know, I don't know if you ever slept with somebody and then they start joking off, man. They break a ribs.

Yeah, yeah. We used to get in, my friend Dan and I, when I was in living in Minneapolis as a kid, I would go over to his house, we'd have sleepovers, and we'd get in sleeping bags next to each other. We watched bullshit like his movies and stuff, but then late night we would put on the spice channel, which was the porn channel,

and it would come and scrambled, and you would just wait for a few frames, because sometimes it would just, you'd see the titty or something and you'd start, and but you'd be next to each other, but not you know, you'd try to keep it. You could just feel the sleeping bag moving. And then every once in a while, his dad would order a movie on spice,

and then it would be playing for us, and then it would just be a combat. Like, we would just jerk off all night. We're like 10 years old, though. Wow, it's really brutal. Yeah. I heardato like a junior high 13 dude I jerked off for the first time when I was like six really. Yeah. I didn't know brought it. It's definitely not good. How did you find how did you know that you could do that somebody told on accident. Oh, and I also didn't know what I was doing like

even when I was I would like hump the mattress and eventually have an orgasm, but not know that that's an orgasm. And also at that age there's nothing comes out. So I was just like, I remember telling my cousin, like do you do that thing where you like rub your dick against things and you have this really great feeling and he was like what?

And I was like trying to explain because I didn't have the knowledge to know what I'm doing. I know, man. I just was doing it. I remember some kid told me that he was jerking off, but I don't know what he was talking about. Yeah. And he said he told me that he had a lot of left over calm or something, but I don't know

what he was talking about. So one day, man, I looked at my penis and I saw this white stuff on it. And I didn't know what it was. Yeah. So I told my mom, look, I got all this white stuff on it and I didn't know what it was Yeah, so I told my mom look I got all these casual fresco right here. Oh my penis I got all these zeta cheese right here dude I Busted that sound in the dinner table bro like it was just me and my mom you put your dick out Just put my pants down look my I don't know what this is I put those came back what I don't know

Nobody told me you got to clean your inside your penis. Holy shit. So my mom took, grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to the bathroom and she got some hot water. And she cleaned that motherfucker, bro. Really? How were you?

Oh, I don't know. Like 11 and 12? Yeah, yeah. Got a hard one when she was doing it. Uh-huh. Oh, really? I remember how fucking, Yeah, yeah, got a hard one she was doing it. Uh-huh. Oh really? I remember how fucking yeah, when someone doesn't tell you that it's normal to how that fucks you up like my dad could have fuck like I remember one time I

Jerked off in the shower and I knew what I was still young. I was like let's say 11 But I wanted to like Under like I wanted to know this was okay. So I go up to him, I was like, hey, I was just in the shower and I was just washing myself. And then I washed my privates, because I'm trying to say it to him, and I go and all this stuff came out.

And then I just look at him, and he was like, next time don't wash along, and he just turned around. I was like, whoa. And then one time I go, I straight up was like, um, do you masturbate? He was like, no. And I go, did you ever? And he goes once when I was 16. And I was like, okay. So then I just go to my room thinking, well, I guess you're not supposed to masturbate because he did it once when he was 16. I'm doing it fucking three times, five times a day, you know, no help, none. And we could give it to advice, you know, get a side ways.

Yeah, you could have given me different grips. He'd been like, have you tried holding your balls and put it on them? Yeah. If you tried juggling it on when you juked off. Yeah, I was like push on your own tape. You gotta prostrate. Have you tried how to hold the holy bag and then releasing?

Get real close and then stop and let it build up. My first, I give my first time, I got it in the ball. Thanks dad. That's us. The first time I got in the ball with porn I think. I found a book. Yeah. It was literature.

I started reading it. And I started getting horny, you know, like really horny. And it's literature reading. Yeah. It was all porn stories. It was B. St. Alley, bro. What? It was a, I don't even know, but I could tell you right now, B. St. Alley, but not growing up. I don't know what it was. Yeah. It was like, this, it starts off this woman. She's like, there was, I was in a barn and The horse there right and then she thought like I don't know how these guys like how do you go from You know learning about Shakespeare and then writing some hard core B. See all of these stories Yeah, yeah, and this woman having sex with a horse and she's having a good time It was really well-written, bro.

Like, no more peace price shit. And I was a child, bro. Like, my mom busted, she found a book, bro. I'm pretty good on my cousin, I was staying with us. He even fucking speak English. But my mom should have been proud, bro. The only of that level, bro. Ring a book with no pictures finally. Yeah exactly Finally, bro. I didn't know you got worked up. I yeah bro. Yeah, you're like that was all reading it slow

And then there was like I'll rewind it read again Real winded Rewinding. It's a bug. Go back to the page, yeah, yeah. But it was, woman having a horse, having a dog, and I don't know what I was donkey. Jesus. Yeah, it was like different like,

like hustler stories, I guess. And then this is kind of weird, like did it make you wanna like explore beastiality? No. No. It just was. It's made maybe explore those type of women. Yeah Like nasty trash. Yeah Like that are fucking dark. I remember I Will I grew up there's a lot of factories. You know, I wear houses. So we will we go

Dig into trash pins bro We're in for summer school like for summer class. No. Yeah, summer vacation when we're 12 10 We'll get a shopping cart and we just push it all the way to the factories and Go inside a trash and we'll find magazines like jugs. Yeah, sure and I remember we found a magazine named jugs There was a receptionist they used to work on Anderson and And in six streets and she had big old fucking titties Like thought it part about bigger man. Yeah, and we should open the door just to see her look up All right, we're the kids bro. Yeah, and you leave

Should this big old kids? I tell my friend open a door, bro There's a lady there a while later there with big ass titties They my friend open the door. It's a business, bro. It's a reception and we're out here, bro. In the park. And it's some kids, the random guy open the door. So you told you, Chad, big teeth.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, do you remember how great just seeing tits used to be? 14 years old, man. Man, it was amazing. I mean, cleavage would do it for you Like you just see like like the lady at the desk or whatever you see someone with just you don't have to see them Naked you just be like wow just tits would do it for you like I grew up now. I got to see someone step on a chick's neck

Spin in my mouth. Oh, yeah I'm not gonna lie. Spinning my mouth. Oh yeah. I remember when you were a little kid, like you remember every movie where big boobs showed up. Yeah. Oh yeah. Like you know man, I was watching,

I was, I was, I was, there was a guy at my show and it wasn't a fucking commando shirt, right? Fuck, he run a swash nigger and I just looked at him bro. Bestie never help bro. When he fighting that black dude and they crashed through the building and like girl with big old big T-shirts up. Yeah, yeah Yeah, you use those little moments and then you'd be like that's that's worth the ticket just yeah, man Just the titty shot. She has skinny legs, too

What was the what was the one the famous one where the girl in the red bikinis getting out of the pool? Remember that the Phoebe case. Yes, remember that? The Phoebe Keats. Yes. Fastest of a rich man, hi. Fastest of it, yeah. You need to get your car jerky off, Joe Drainholder. Yeah. Don't you knock.

Yeah, just that though. Just that, you're like, that's the movie. Yeah, man, move like that, hard bodies. Or remember, do you remember Basic Instinct? Yes, man. The little leg move. God, the leg move. And also, she had like five sex scenes in that movie.

I didn't realize until lately, she did some interview where she said that the casting person or one of the produce, somebody on that film was like, you know you were our 13th choice. Like 12 other actresses passed on this role. Like somebody was really mean to her. She was saying on that set, but man, she was amazing in that way. She was amazing, man.

And her body was unbelievable. Unbelievable. In the other movie, too, Arnold Schwarzenegger, too, just that one scene, you remember her. Oh, yes. You remember those gray eyes? She was badass, man. She looks actually pretty remarkable now.

Even I would even turn down when she was crying for her son in alpha dog. When she was crying for him. You know, when she was crying for her son in alpha dog When she was crying for him you know, she will have some with misty I'm not gonna do for that act for the Academy Award. She just played a beat-up woman as sad You know you were turned on though, but you go under it captain save a whole bro. Yeah, yeah That's a real feeling. I want to save this person. Yeah, that can drive you for sure, man For sure. I've always been that guy, man, like coming in at the end, you know,

when the chips are down for a woman. You like that, like rescue. Yeah, man, I'm not that, I'm not that penis in the cupboard, bro. Right. Did you wait, is that how you met your lady now? Every woman I've ever dated, but you have a mother and dad?

Yes, okay. Let's go see, do you know how a mother and dad? Yes. Okay. Let's just do not have a mother and dad. A lot of mothers passed away. But she grew up with mother and dad her whole life? Not a whole, no, they divorced when she was very young. See my wife too. Yeah. Her dad's play when she was 14.

The fool got his check after work and never came back. Wow. Yeah, so I look back and every woman and every day they before her grew up with no dad. And the woman's the woman that I dated, they had a dad and a parent we never worked it out. Really? Yeah, I guess they were raised different because I came in with a son and a relationship already.

And the woman, once a woman that I dated, I found out that she had a mother and a father together still. They always never took around that long. Really? It's weird, huh? No, but it makes sense. But why is that? We don't think they're malright.

It just happens. It happens on a deeper level. Why? I think it's that people are drawn towards people, usually, for the most, like this isn't a blanket state, but generalization, you're drawn towards people who have similar experiences, similar traumas, similar, almost psychological makeups. Sometimes it's just that you mesh together

if you're like, I didn't have this kind of parent, I didn't also, this feels familiar, because what we're all drawn to is familiarity. You know, it's like it's why, some do it from the projects, you know, the same projects, you can just meet them today, and all of a sudden you guys have this vibe, everyone's like, why do they get along so well?

Cause we, we're familiar to each other. Yeah, you know, we've been to private parks. Yeah, you know, it's like, the same things that you're used to, he's used to, and then you just click, and I think with the opposite sex, with attraction, it works a lot the same way. You just kinda go like,

oh yeah, like, you know, yeah, I was raised Catholic, yeah, me, you know, people, even if you're not like religious, you're like culturally, we're familiar to each other. Things like that. I think that's why. I mean, I think it makes sense even that you go people with like certain upbringing. It just didn't mesh. It didn't, it probably for her the same, like the same thing where she's like, on some level, this doesn't feel familiar. It doesn't feel it probably for her, the same, like the same thing where she's like, on some level, this doesn't feel, I mean, it doesn't feel right, you know? Because I kind of feel the same thing where I catch myself, you know, really clicking with some, like Burton, I, for instance, we do this podcast normally.

We have a similar upbringing. Like we never, we don't even normally discuss it, but we have a very similar, like, you know, even though I have the foreign mom stuff, like same kind of dad, same type of upbringing, Catholic school, all that stuff, where you go, so you can speak a shorthand with the person, you know, you don't have to explain every thought or something, it's just like, it feels normal.

Oh, yeah, that's up, what I think. Yeah, man. Yeah. Fleebe, I'm so sad about your doubt. You told me that. I really just, I'm sorry, man. Oh, thank you, man. I don't mean to like bum you out, but I can't stop thinking about it. It was, though, super fun outside of that. Yeah, with you today. It's been a long time. Sorry, I brought it up. No, I'm don't be sorry. I I guys that the weirdest stuff. I know I'm a big fan and like, you know, I one of the things that I

realized over the course of this pandemic is how much I just love hanging out with comics. So, you know, I took it for granted. You know, you go to the store, you go to the improv, you go to the high, high, whatever, you, ice house, you just see guys and like, we have, for instance, what I'm just talking about, that familiarity, that shorthand, you,

as a comedian, I feel like I have it with comedians. I can just like, what's up, you know, you catch up on the road, has the show, has all the stuff, and it feels good to see comics again. You know, like, I give you the goosebumps because you're so right, you know, I get the chills, my nipple the hard because a lot of people

like the fan's ass. So I can never hang around with this guy. How can we never see with this guy? And this is the answer, I always tell them this and bro. You might not see me with Tom, you know, might not see me with Bird, or you know, might see me with Joey, or you know, listen bro, you might not see me with Tom, you know, my not, not, not see me with Bird, you know, my see me with Joey or, you know, or whoever you know, Lou, now, you know, or a show on the wood, these

comedians. But let me tell you something, we might not do the same shows, but if we're at the same flight, you're going to see all that together. Yeah. You're going to see sure you're going to see all together, sitting on the same table. Maybe not even, maybe not not talking but we're together in a whole group. Yeah, I was I met Kevin Neeling on the plane I know we're just walking and I just started talking to him because I did a show But I thought that was just it. We're just gonna talk goodbye. Yeah, but he started walking with me So okay, you want to walk with me? We walk with me. Then we started walking and we saw a book, we saw Bill Burr and Dior Hewley. All at the airport.

Yeah, yeah. Brad Williams. Yeah. And, but just before we saw them, we saw only the dice man. Yeah. And my friend Rodrigo Torres, my co-host, didn't want to fuck up with to the phone

and page the dice member in real name. Really? Just to fuck with him? Yeah. Andrews, whatever name is Schlesschlinger, Andrew. Andrew, Schlazschli, you know? Yeah. And then, bro, and he's walking around like he's a body

of a security guard at a rave, bro. People in combat boots, black shans, a black cut off t-shirt, his hat. And then like, he's looking at Eleanor and I'm not standing next to him. Eleanor, I don't know what's going on. They want me to talk over there. I didn't want to take away my miles.

But it was my friend Rodrigo Pijin here. Andrew Silverstein, please be part of the gate five. Andrew Silverstein, if you still of Gate 5. Andrew Silverstein, you still walking over like a dice or a name. And they go over there and he finds out it was us. And then he's still sitting down and he looks up and he's really like playing practical jokes. I don't forget I'm the biggest practical joke

or there is. And I'm like thinking, now I think it's up now on dice. Yeah. Yeah. You would have to book it for a show and not pay him. That's the joke. You would have to replace him for wheels. Oh shit.

The airport, the airport like comedy community, that thing, it's the best. Those Sunday, I remember the Sundays, you're connecting in Detroit and all of a sudden, you're like, hey, and you start just seeing people, like there's fucking Bruce Bruce, so there's Joey. Like you start running into people. And by the way, Neelan is the best.

That dude's so awesome. He's such a great guy, but yeah, that, that, can't be. Tom Pobble, there are two, man. I don't know if I'm not sure on the way in with would have. Yeah. Yeah. He's another great one, man. Another great guy. Um, yeah, this was a lot of fun, man. This was a lot of fun. I appreciate you coming in. Uh, I don't remember. I don't forget to, uh, follow.

A bit, huh? One of the air. Uh, it's, I don't know, a few weeks. Okay. We're banking a few. But where do people follow you? Follow me at our Philippa's world.com. Um, future dates. I'm going to be at our philippisworld.com Future dates. I'm gonna be at the tempi improv in July and I'm Ontario improv New Year's Eve. Perfect. Yeah, it's gonna be perfect. Me and blowout Thanks brother, they were having a bro One goes top and swap the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts, a bed of booze, amateur, pathology Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call to bears one cave.