2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 90 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Marc Maron

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

The second leg of the I'm Coming Everywhere Tour is here! Go to https://TomSegura.com/tour and use code TOMMY to access the pre-sale this Wednesday, July 21st at 10am. Take advantage of this opportunity and get your tickets before they sell out! SPONSORS: - Go to https://BlueChew.com and get your first month FREE when you use our promo code BEARS at checkout, just pay $5 shipping. - Go to https://LiquidIV.com and use the code BEARS for 25% off anything you order! - Go to https://babbel.com and use promo code BEARS for an extra three months of Babbel FREE. - Get 15% off your order at https://BuyRaycon.com/bears - Go to https://Vuori.com/BEARS and receive 20% off your first purchase, free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75, and free returns. - Go to https://Whoop.com and use code "Bears” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Go to https://HelloFresh.com/cave14 and use code cave14 for 14 free meals, including free shipping! - Find your Starbucks Tripleshot Energy online or at your local store. Today on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom is joined by Marc Maron. To start things off, the guys talk about the benefits of doing coke, getting out of a DUI and Maron's new podcast, Dark Fonzie. Next, Marc talks about being a morning radio host and how he's transitioning into being an actor. After that, Marc explains his opinions on moving to Austin, and talks about some of his favorite BBQ restaurants in Texas. Then, Tom and Marc discuss smoking meats with a Traeger grill, how to properly cook fish and one of Marc's favorite stores, Fish King. Last, Marc talks about what it's like to be an actor, and his experience interviewing famous musicians like Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney.

Hey guys, I told you I'm coming everywhere on this tour and I was not lying. This Wednesday the pre-sale starts. Go to Thompsagora.com slash tour. Use the code word Tommy for pre-sale access, T-O-M-M-Y. The general on sale is this Friday, but if you want tickets before anybody else, you have to use that code word Tommy. Starting this Wednesday at 10 a.m. local time, and these dates are going to take you through June.

And of course, many more dates are coming. Thank you for supporting me. I will see you out on tour. I was getting into smoking too much where I was like, oh yeah. I was loving it and I was like, I'm just gonna get terrible with this. Yeah.

So I cut it out. You know what I did for five years. Five, yeah. Wow. Well I just mean I started. I shouldn't have, I should have ever started here. One of five in hero. 100% I'm so mad that I didn't get to try Coke before I like,

yeah, have you tried it at all? Never. Oh, well, never tried Coke, but I'm kind of bummed about it, you know. Yeah, but it's one of those things, Tom, it's always there for you, you know, you can, it's just, it's just one guy away usually. Yeah, I mean, I can get it, but I just feel like now, I'm, it's too irresponsible. Sure, it'd be stupid, not, you know,

but, you know, driving a sports car really fast and point out, basketball at 50, goes, That's fucking 42, man. Sorry. Do you know how often people are like, I thought you were 55. And I'm like, I'm more than a decade younger than you think. I'm sorry, man.

No, it's fine. It's fine. It's also been my entire life. No, you just look older. I mean, at every, like, when I was 17, I could go into bars and they'd be like, hello, sir. Oh, that's a blessing. That's a blessing, kind of, yeah.

Yeah, well, Coke is, I don't know, man. I don't know if it's your bag. You're not everybody takes to it. Yeah. It might not be your thing. Was it immediate for you? Like the first time you're like, this is the shit. Well, it was sort of, I'm trying to remember, I was in high school and the boss at the

restaurant that I was working at had it. Now, I don't think the first time I did it, I thought it was great, but eventually I thought it was great. It was more of a riddle and effect. I'd get jacked up and it would just be like, hey man, things are really okay. They're okay. Yeah, things are all right. Yeah, okay.

They're really good and more things are gonna happen soon. Dude, I like that. Yeah, yeah, it's great. But unfortunately, it kind of turns on you because you're the guy at the bar, like 10 minutes until closing time, thinking like shit's gonna turn around. Yeah. Any minute.

Yeah. Any minute, they're all gonna come in. It's gonna be a party. Cool stuff's gonna happen. Oh yeah, that chick's gonna, you know, get her head off the bar and realize how amazing I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I feel like I had nights like that with alcohol.

Oh, yeah, well, that was the thing. See, the guys who were boozers that got into Coke primarily did it because they could drink more and longer. Yeah. That was the thing. Yeah. Because I think most people that got involved with Coke that weren't buying like, you know, half ounces

and, you know, like eight balls of reasonable. But I mean, it was to drink longer, drink more. And to drink more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Oh, yeah. But the thing is, is your body still reacts to the amount of alcohol that you put in it no matter what kind of coke you're on.

Right, the booze is not like, oh, it's diffused now. No. And my problem with the blow was like, there was always guys like, you know, who had connections to, you know, for things to bring you, to get you down. Yeah. I forget what this guy, I just interviewed a guy who was a dope guy, a director.

John Swin. Would you need that? Would you need to get down? Well, no, but, well, eventually because you want to be laying in there in bed, you know, like after the co-cuy is over, it's just your heart pounding and you wondering if you're going to die and how long you can jerk off for When that's a good part is that right, you know It's like if you don't have volume or you don't have something to get you down

Yeah, you just jerk off like a monkey for hours for hours, and that doesn't even work And you're like that doesn't put you down. No, and sometimes you got to do it twice and it's sad It's hard. It's different. You know you can like you know, you know come without a boner by the third time Yeah, just because you're pulling at it so hard. That's the fun part of Cuptown. That I've had those not fully hard orgasms you're like, this isn't supposed to happen like this. The shower orgasms, yeah.

I don't know, I guess you gotta be careful with those because if your dick gets used to it, it's gonna be a problem. Definitely. Dude, you remind me too of, I remember I went to Boston after my graduate college and I met this chick that worked at a bar. Yeah.

And I would just go to the bar and she was like, well, I get off, you know, when we close, which I don't know, it was like 2 a.m. or something. So I would just show up there like at 11 or something, right? And then by two, she's like, your hammer by two she's like your hammer and I'm like yeah I'm sitting at a bar waiting for you What am I supposed to do here just drink water for three hours? So she was like, yeah, you always get so fucked up. Yeah, like yeah, yeah, you put me on all these around booze

Yeah, well I used to I was just talking to this friend of mine last night about this Yeah, cuz I've been sober a long time, but we were listening to the replacements. And then that song here comes a regular, which is like just a sad song. Yeah, about that guy. Yeah. And I remember there have been, I'm old, like I'm 57. There's times in my life where I've been a regular at a bar.

And that's what you do if you go to that, you're there to fucking get drunk. And have somebody go, you're all right to drive. Like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, of course I am. You're always all right.

Always all right to drive. Yeah, I think about the fact that I don't have a DUI is so insane to me. You know, I've so many times. I wrecked a car. It was, what a fucking story that was. You actually wrecked a car? Shit faced.

And did you get arrested? No, it was a miracle. It was a miracle. But like, I used to work at a restaurant in Boston, sponsors. It's a sponsor. Isn't great. You know, we've all been able to live our dreams as, you know, mediocre radio personalities

on our own terms. Who knew that they would come a time in the world where everybody could just be an okay radio personality? Isn't the celebration though that it's actually like a real company? Like it's not like, I don't know, it's coffee. Look, I got, you know, I don't, we don't do a Starbucks, but we've done some shit Yeah, am I on this show or am I on another show? You're on this show. This is the show. I'm on you're sitting in for fucking for Burtless. Yeah, yeah

Where's he laughing to himself on stage someone? He's in Serbia shooting a movie. Oh, yeah I think I saw some footage of oh yeah, did you see the footage of his mattress? No, I just saw him in the street wandering around. So yeah, I worked at a place in Brooklyn, Massachusetts, called Mac Erics. And I used to work the day shift as a waiter, as terrible waiter. And then I just, you know, changed out of the Mac Erics shirt and sit at the fucking bar and close the place.

Yeah, from the place that you work at. Yeah, oh yeah. You know, they let me drink most of we for nothing and all the tips that I made during the day have begun and I want, you know, kind of want to add it there. There's a novel right there, I feel like. I was drinking a really sad one. I just remember like when someone turned me on

to a man hat and I was like, what? Yeah. Do you remember those? Oh, you can still drink. I was like, what? Yeah. You remember those? Or you can still drink. You're like a human that's capable of doing things. Yeah. Your guy that can have a cocktail, not destroy everything in your life.

I mean, I can't. Yeah. For you, man. You should be. Thanks, I'm a real proud of it. I mean, Manhattan is like a martini with bourbon.

Yeah. So you just, it's just straight bourbon with a hit of rumoo, so the bourbon has no bite to it at all. I even know that, is that what that is? Oh my God, it's the best. Do you like martinis? I would never really drink. Cause I don't like olives and people always like, oh, I have one.

You have to put an olive in it. The point of the martini is the rumoo, cause then you barely taste vodka. And you can just drink straight alcohol like water. Get on board, dude. I'm gonna get shit faced tonight. At the store, I'll watch you. Yeah, yeah, it's a store.

Let's go, I'll get fucked up there. I'll just tell you, yeah, it's the magic of remove. Oh, so how I avoided getting arrested. Yeah. It's so funny, because me and Delray, you know, Dean Delray, we're doing a podcast called Dark Fonsi. And it it's like it's a different approach to the middle-aged guy sitting around talking because we got no kids Right, he's got a dog. I got two cats. Yeah, so we just sort of sit around and talk about the dog and the cats No cigar talk aloud and there's no sports talk. It's all yeah

He doesn't drink. It's all kind of music Yeah, pants, but you guys It's all kind of music pants. But you guys know a lot about that. That's perfect though. Cats. You guys are such the boots pants music guys though. Like if I want to hear about boots and pants and music, I'm just going to reach you out to any of the audience that enjoys these two sluggos.

That might not be totally on board with the thing. If you're over this bullshit we've been doing, then pin up that. that might not be totally on board with the thing. If you're over this bullshit we've been doing, then hit up that show. Wanna hear a couple of people with less problems? No wives, no cigars, no sports, just pure kind of like, hey man, it's kind of cool. We don't have all this responsibility of regular people.

Yeah, if you wanna hear about Bert and my fantasy life, check out Mark and Dean. Dark Fonzie. Dark Fonzie. Yeah, but okay, so here's what happened. Yeah, so wait, how first of all, how fucked up are you when you get in the car? Well, here was the deal, man, back when I started doing comedy and bossed and it was like a one-nighter thing, you know, I paid all my dues doing one nighters. So you drive out to whoever the fuck the gig was.

And if you were opening, it's usually a two-man show, half-hour, open or 45, closer, and that's how I learned how to do times, probably opening somewhere. So I just remember I'm like down on the cape or somewhere, and then we tried to catch your eyes and star in Boston was sort of the hub for us, for my crew. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I, you know, I drink at the fucking gig and then like I'd swam a couple and then I'm driving back just to get the catch, to get the free booze. Yeah.

So I just remember getting there and like only having enough time to knock back. So, so I just remember getting shit face to catch, getting in my car and I'm going to go pick up the woman I was seeing at her house and take her over to Somerville, right? And it's like late. And all I know is like I pick her up and you know I was I was not happy guy and I don't know what we were fighting about but all I know is that I'm speeding back you know over into you know from Austin to wherever I just remember coming over a bridge like 80 you know at night ship faced yelling at her and we had pulled over by a cop. And I'm like, hey, I'm sorry, man. I know, I know.

He's like, you all right? And I'm like, yeah, we're just trying, we're fighting, we're fighting. And the guy just let me go. So like, he's like, I just slow down. He's like, my lady never said that. That's so, but this the worst, it was just, that was the first stroke of luck, I guess. I don't know, but this the worst, it was just,

that was the first stroke of luck, I guess. I don't know, but we get to block away from where I live and we're still fighting and I'm like, fuck you, fuck this, I'm taking you home. And I'm shit faced and I cut this U-turn. And there's no room to navigate it. So I just slam into a car that's parked, you're like knock it up onto the fucking... Holy shit. Under the curb and I just like I just slam it into a car that's parked you like knock it up onto the fucking

Holy Under the curb and I'm like and it's like two in the morning I'm like fucking we're a block away from my house all I'm thinking is like I get home Yeah cars Shit coming out and I'm driving and there's no way it's gonna drive It's not gonna make it a block away So I turn left and then like at this point, people are coming out of their homes

because they've heard the answer. They heard a gun go off. Right, so they're coming, they're in bathroom. So like the end of a musical. You know, there's just like, everyone's coming out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And oh my God. Was that like, yeah, what is the commotion? Me. So, and of course, my girlfriend, we're not hurt, Was that like, yeah, what is the commotion? Me? So, and of course, my girlfriend, we're not hurt, but we're standing there, the car is hissing and smoking, and then a cop comes, and I'm fucked, man. And then another cop comes and the cop I'm dealing with, he's like, so what happened?

I'm like, I took a, you turn and hit that car, and so why is the car over here? what happened, I'm like, I took a, you turn and hit that car and, you know, and so like, so why is the car over here? I was trying to get home to call you guys. Yeah, I wanted your help. Yeah. I was just trying to, I just whiff over there so I thought I'd get the car home

and then call you guys. You're like, he was buying. Yeah. He's like, so you left the scene of, I don't know if that's, you know. I get, I guess so. Well, so, so I'm of like, I don't know if that's, you know. I guess so. Well, so I'm standing there, the car's fucked up. He's making me do the toucher.

Oh, he's making me do that. And my girlfriend's sitting there watching this, the idiot that just hit a parked car, shit-faced, and now I'm doing the, you know, walking backwards and touching my nose. And I'm like, fucked, man. Yeah, and the car's immovable. And then this miracle happens.

Like another miracle, the second cop miracle of the night. Some other cops drive up and they're, you know, you're like driving fast and they stop. And in my recollection, the cop in the car that pulls up says there's some guy robbing the bakery right now. And all these cops, the two cops that were dealing with me were like, ooh, like kids, they're like, oh, we get in the, and the cop goes like, you okay? And, ooh, like kids, they're like, oh, we get in the,

and the cop goes like, you okay? And I'm like, yeah, can you get it home? No, yeah, no problem. And he gives me a ticket for leaving the scene of property damage in these splits. And I'm like, oh my God. Oh my God. It's amazing.

That's amazing. But it turns out that I had to go to court on that. I thought it was just like, where do you pay? But it wasn't, no, I didn't get busted. Do you why? But I didn't realize that leaving the scene of property damages, you got to be a range for that. You can't just like, no.

How much is this ticket, do you pay? No, you got to go to court. Dude, I got a, before it became legal here, I was fucking, you know, when you first moved to LA, friends visit, there's like four places. You should see this. Yeah, right, right. I take the guy to, What are the four that you...

Well, I think at the time, it was like, yeah, like that, it was like, go on a hike, and like, you know, running in Kenja and go to like Venice Beach, or, all right, I knew a couple beaches in Malibu. Go see like the cancerous dogs. Go see the dogs, coffee. Yeah.

I took people to Malibu too, because I was like, you want to see Malibu? Yeah, and then there's nothing there. You just go back in. Yeah, I guess we're here, is this it? This is the ocean. There's a supermarket. So I take them on PCH, and we go,

we're at, we're in, in Malibu, and there are cars parked all up and down, PCH, right? And I find a gap, and I park, I'm one of a hundred cars. Yeah. He's in the passenger seat, and he goes, you wanna smoke a bowl before we get, go to the beach, and I go, I'm good, he goes, all right, I'm going of a hundred cars. He's in the passenger seat and he goes you want to smoke a bowl before we get Go to the beach and I go I'm good. He goes all right. I'm going to it. I was like okay. Yeah, so he he smokes and then a

California highway patrol guy passes us This way and then he does a U-turn and I'm like, oh, that's interesting and I see him come around and then he pulls up in front So this guy had just smoked right there's no smoke in the car anymore. But obviously it smells. He gets out of the car and walks up to my car and he goes, you can't park here. And I was like, there's like 200 cars parked here. And he goes, yeah, they're all illegally parked. I could tow every car here. I was like, are you gonna? And he was like, you just, you can't park here. And I go, okay, just you, just you. And I'm like, all right, man, he goes, so who's smoking? He just says like that, who's smoking? And I'm trying to not like throw him on it, but thinking that since I'm driving, he's gonna,

so I just, I kind of go like, I look at him and my friend goes, nobody here, sir. And he goes, he's the pro. Yeah, he's like, he goes, get out of the fucking car. And I'm like, what, he goes, you think I can't smell that? And I was like, and I'm just looking at my friend, you fucking dipshit, like just say something. So then he takes me and he puts me in the back of his car.

Oh my God. And he's like, full treatment. The full treatment. He's like, he goes, where is it? And I go, I really don't know, it's not mine. Yeah. And then he say it's his, I'm just like, it's not mine. And I don't know where it is.

Yeah. And he goes, okay, we're gonna play this game. Boom, trust the door, I was like, fuck man. He takes him out of the car. It's a black car. He's shirtless because we want to go in the ocean. Cuffs him and lays him bare chested on the black car, right? Like in the heat.

My friend's like, ah! Here, him. He's like, fuck it's hot! And I see him talking to him, and he comes back to me. He goes, your friend says it's yours. And I go, I go, it's not, what are you talking about, man? Man, he just, he's like trying to, I know, I don't think he said that.

I think he's trying to, Oh, he's playing that game? Yeah, playing the game. Yeah, trying to find it. He said it's yours, and I'm like, it's not, I don't have it. So the guy in the car, the guy, cuffed on the car, didn't talk.

Yeah, yeah, he's trying to, Wow. Yeah, and so, Hell is mud, huh? He goes, all right, he goes, he comes back, he goes, I got it. It's your car, so it's yours. And I was like, and I get so nervous, right?

I'm scared. I'm like, I go, is there anything I can do? And he goes, what? And I go, dude, I swear I go, I'll mo your lawn. He's like, what? And I go, I'll mo your You can have it. I go, I'll mo your lawn. He's like, what? I go, I'll mo your lawn for a year. And he's like, you'll mo my lawn. And I'm like, to not be in trouble.

He's like, no. And I'm like, okay. So he's all you have? Yeah, I was a lot of people to know us to say. I was like, I thought that was a very nice offer. You have clean lawn. Yeah, we can't negotiate. Yeah, man, let's work this out.

And so then he opens the door, he lets me out, he goes, you're getting the ticket? I'm like, fuck, and I'm thinking I'm going to jail. I'm like, you're going to jail? And he's like, no, you get it, ticket, and I'm going to tow your car. And I was like, where? And he's like to one of these places here, and I go, why? He goes just to make it like difficult on you. And I was like, like places here and I go, why, he goes just to make it like difficult on you. And I was like, okay. And he's like, so just wait here for the tow truck. And then you'll just go there, and then you'll have to pay for that too and get that out.

And I was like, just to like fuck up my day. And he was like, right. And I was like, okay. So we wait like 10 minutes, and it's fucking hot. It was like July or something. and he's like, fuck it. He goes, it's so goddamn hot out here. I don't feel like waiting anymore. He goes, just getting your car.

You know, we're not waiting for the tow truck and I go, great. So then I pull into the fucking parking lot that was right there and I park. And I'm like, hey man, like I have a ticket now and you could have just said he goes, yeah, I didn't know what to say. So I thought I could just say that it wasn't any of us.

And then I get the ticket and I realize, I think I'm just paying a ticket. And you have to, at the time, you have to show up to court for possession. Yeah. So I show up to court just like, I'm working out a restaurant here in LA. And I have nothing arranged.

I'm just like, oh, I don't know what to do here. And I walk up to a guy, he's like a public defender. I'm like, will you like represent me? Like right there at court. He's like, you need to legal defense. And I was like, I think so. And he goes, how much money do you make? And I was like, not a lot.

He's like, well, how much? I'm like, I don't know, like $600 a week. He goes, oh, that's way too much. I'm like, that's too much money to make. He's like for like for me, yeah. I'm like, so then I go into court and I'm like alone and he's still standing up for me. He's like, you're on her.

This man, I spoke to him, I'm not representing him but I can help him a little bit. And I'm like, oh my God. She's like reading the charges and she's like, how do you plead? I just look at him and I'm like, oh no. He's like, I was like guilty. And she's like, all right you plead? I just look at him and I'm like, oh no. He's like, I was like, guilty. And she's like, all right, he's like, blah, blah, blah,

she goes, you can have it expunged in a year if you follow this protocol. And I was like, okay. And then she was like, you can leave now. And I was like, okay, thank you. And I just like, I paid $270. And the protocol was mowing that cops yard. I'm motivated.

She was like, you have to go clean the hedges. I was like, you got it. Yeah, when I went to court on that, we yard. I'm motivated. She was like, you have to go clean the hedges. I was like, you got it. Yeah, when I went to court on that, we've seen a property damage. My buddy who was living in this house that I was living in, a house with like 12 other people. Oh, shit. No, it wasn't that many.

How many was there? It was changing, you know? Yeah, yeah. And his girlfriend had a, I don't know, because I got a lawyer who was gonna help me out. And, you know, he said it was my first lawyer. It was going to help me out. And, you know, he said it was my first offense. It was a real thing that leaving the property down. So I didn't have it. It wasn't DIY, but the cop had a testify. He was there and everything else. And somehow the lawyer brought up that I was a standup comic and I was

coming home late. And it was a bit, and you know, all the thing he got me off, you know, they dismissed it. And then afterwards the cop comes up and I'm like, no, you're coming. Yeah, if I come to you, you're gonna bust my balls. I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, it's gonna happen. No, dude, you just let me know if you want it. The fuck, no. No, of course not.

You got any funny stuff? You got any jokes? Yeah, well, that's the worst because you know the kind of comic I am. It's difficult for most people. So like, you know, tell me a joke am, it's difficult for most people. So like, you know, tell me a joke to you is not the thing. Not the thing, yes. Can you sit down?

You have to work it out in front of you. How much time do you have for your joke? Sometimes it takes me a lot of get there, you know? My dad talked me to a, he goes, I want you to go to lunch with my friend today. This is like a couple of years ago, okay. And I go to the guy I was in his 80s, okay, which is fine, but so the guy goes,

like we sit down, he's like, I got one for you. Like I meet, I go, what, what, what? He's like, so a guy walks into a bar, right? And he starts telling me, these like street jokes, and I'm like giving like polite, that's a much older man, right? He goes, now you go. And I go, what?

He goes, tell me some of yours. And I go, oh, I don't have jokes like that. He goes, what the hell do you do up there? Your dad said you're a comedian. And I was like, they're longer. And he's like, okay, tell me one. I go, it's not gonna work, man. And he's like, what the fuck?

Did you do it, man? No. The only time I ever did that, which was the worst experience of my life, was I did a call in one time to radio. I remember in Baltimore. Yeah, and I had a show coming up. And the guy's like, oh, you're gonna be at the club

and blah, blah, blah, blah. He's like, all right, let's hear something. And I go, nah, nah. Yeah, he's like, just give me one. And I go, nah. He's like, go ahead, give it to us. Give us a little taste. And I was like, OK. And I just started doing like a bit.

I just went into a bit. And it ended and he was like, OK. And I just, I was sitting there in my hotel room like this. Like, I wanna die. And then I hung up and then people started to message me. They're like, you're getting ripped apart by this radio guy right now. Like us being an absolute piece of shit community.

And looking, I was like, he knew what he was doing. We fucking, we spent our lives hating these regional radio douchebags, and I just can't believe we're all radio guys now. We are, we are, we are. We're all radio guys. I never thought about it like that until Kevin Christie pointed it out to me.

It's like, I guess everyone's just doing drive time radio now, I'm like, oh, fuck, we are. We're drive time radio, we time radio guys with no boss. That's a big difference. No, no, of course. And there's a big difference and you can listen to it whenever you want, but we are.

I just haven't told you this story. I've told this story before, but people don't really realize it. Now, I have respect for radio guys. I used to, once you got the hang of being on the road and doing morning radio, like understanding, because you can sell fucking tickets. Yeah.

If you nail that radio gig. And it makes a big difference whether that guy's a giving, or a dick, like if you're gonna get into a cock fight, you like they're threatened, because they're the funny guy, they used to do comedy, but you know, they had too many kids

and they had to do this now, or if you walk in there and the side kick is like, you know, a guy you knew used to do comedy, like, Hey, didn't you, like, is like, you know, a guy you knew used to do comedy, like, hey, didn't you, like, this is gonna be a problem. Or else, it's not. But there are some great crews,

and I used to look forward to sometimes doing it. And once I hosted Radio myself, you start to realize the pressure, what's going on there. Totally. Like, when I did Morning Radio for Air America, which was a fundamentally comedy show. It's like, you'd have guests, and you'd be be sitting there going like, you know, we got a lot

of momentum going here. We've been up since six and we're fucking jacked and this thing is happening. We're getting people to work, we're making people feel better. Are you going to come in here and shit the fucking bed stupid? Yeah. And you don't know. Right. And so like you start to realize when you go, when you go do those radio shows, they're

just sort of like, what's he going to do? And they never have good stories about you go do those radio shows, they're just sort of like, what's he gonna do? And they never have good stories about comics because a lot of comics, they're like, they roll out of bed, they feel like they have to do it and they just get there and they don't give nothing. So they've got to be full ready. Dilti.

Yeah. Yeah. They used to hate me. I'm just like, if they're going and I can just jump on, I'll do it. I'll do it. I ride your wave though, man. You know what I mean?

Right, right. If I come in and there's any type of like standoffishness from you, you're gonna get nothing from me. Nothing from me. And that's, and the ego's the sum of those guys. Well, that's the story like I tell, like because I've done radio, I know what it means. I know what you're working towards.

You know, you're working towards breaks. And you wanna keep, hold people over the break. And then you come back in and you're like, we're here with Tom Segura, you reset, you know. You're talking. And, but I was doing Bob and Tom. And where was it? In the Apple's, right.

And I didn't mind those guys. These difficult, Tom was, Bob was great, but Bob's gone. I didn't even know what's over there. It's just, I think it's just Tom and, and, and, and, you know, chick, and whatever, I don't know what's going on. But I just remember when podcasting started, it was the beginning of podcasting and, you know,

Tom sees them, so all these guys think they're the best interviewers. Yeah, these fucking guys, you know, I'm pretty good, you know, I get, whatever. Hold on, Bill Clinton's on the line. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, yeah. And then they got the guy doing the voice,

oh, hey, Tom on. So, so Tom's like, you know, he's starting in on it. And he knows I'm podcasting, you know, we're just starting out there's like nine podcasts. He's like, he just looks at me and goes, you know what the problem is with these podcasters. And I'm like, what, what?

And he goes, they don't know how to reset. And I'm like, there's no reason to reset. They tuned in for the show. It's not, we're not coming back from a break, stupid. It's just like, but that was this big thing. That was it. These guys don't get the chops.

I'm really setting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's because like they said, I'm going to listen to Mark Maren's show. And there's no breaks. It's just continuous because I'm choosing it. It's not live. This is on demand.

Yeah. You don't have to reset these kids. This kid. Yeah, all the radio guys work like that for a minute. I mean, how were we famously like, you're like, you do have more listeners like screaming out of your window. If you, you know, I think it was just like new,

it felt like it was maybe to some of them like a thread or some version of that. I never listened to like, I never really felt like it was maybe to some of them, like a thread or some version of that. I've never listened to, like, I never really listened much to talk radio. Like, I'm not a big radio guy. You know, even when I started doing it, I hadn't listened, I can't say that I've listened to a whole Howard ever, maybe.

I just, I've listened to, you know, just I'd just turn on talk radio, like, news and shit like that and music. But like, you start to realize like the desperation, you never know what you're gonna walk into with radio. No, never. It's like I was in Cleveland and like I just, I barely remember the story.

You're up, they woke you up, the guy, some lackey from the club is driving me. Did you ever do, do you remember doing like, you know, the comment, what was the broad ripple in Indianapolis? Oh yeah. And her father would take you, you remember the little, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'd get there and there'd be like full meals there,

like crock pops full. Yes. And they do that, that's what they do. They're like, what are the bits you're going to do? That was Bob and Tom. Yeah. And that's fine with me. You know, lead me in.

Do me a favor. Yeah. But, I remember getting out, you know, lead me in. Do me a favor. Yeah, but I remember getting out, you know driving to a show in Cleveland and just getting off the elevator and there's chaos I'm like runs by without a shirt and I'm like the fuck is happening. Yeah, you know, and it's just clearly There's something wrong and then some like you know some intern or something runs after me It's like we got changed studios man. Someone went wrong with the puke cannon or something runs out to me. It's like, we got changed studios, man. Something went wrong with the puke cannon.

It's like it's like 6.30. Yeah. What happened? The puke cannon backfire, man. It did. Yeah. Oh yeah. On radio.

On radio, the puke cannon backfire. My favorite. These idiots had rigged up a wind blower, a leaf blower, and to do something, they, you have a guy drink milk and there was a funnel involved, I'm like, how is this a radio bit? I know. The best of that was when I was in Hartford, I was doing this piece of shit radio show in a piece of shit building.

And they're just like, I remember they had the fuckingest board Looked like the first year of board came out and these rickety mics and they're like oh sit over here Like to wait and they just had me sit like there. Yeah, I was like, yeah Is this the waiting room? Yeah, and then they're like all right? We're gonna come out of this break and then just take over and I go what do you mean? Yeah, he's like just do like You know, it's your time to shine and I go what are you gonna ask? He was like, what do you mean? Yeah, and he's like, just do, like, you know, it's your time to shine. And I go, what are you gonna ask? And he was like, what, what do you mean?

He's like, just do whatever you wanna do. And I was like, I don't really wanna do anything. And he goes, well, no man, we have like 30 seconds. And I go, okay, but I mean, when you say take over, you mean like, I run the segment. He's like, if you want to. And I go, he goes, man, last week, Bobby Lee was here. He got naked. And I go, how'd that work on radio?

And he's like, what? I go, did it play to the people listening in their cars? And he was like, uh, look, man, just do what do you want to do? And I was like, just ask me some questions, man. He was so nervous. And he was like, oh my god. And then he pulled up my bio. And I had a fake bio, like as a joke. He's like, so you were in the NFL. And he was like, oh my god, and he pulled up my bio. And I had a fake bio, like as a joke. So you were in the NFL and I was like, yeah, man. Six seasons. He didn't know. He didn't know. He just kept going. I was like, I don't know. I just, I hated a so little interest in you because some of the times they would just do like a little bit of research. Or they have the open wiki page. Yeah, they are.

You were born since then. Yeah, I was a new Jersey. I'm born in New Jersey. Yeah, yeah. That was that. It was good. I was eight and left. Yeah, six and one with that.

But if they did like a little bit, like if they were just like, you know, I don't know, just a little bit all of a sudden you go like, oh, and then you want to give more. Well, I just like it when they're like, you walk in and they're like, we were just talking about this. And I'm like, great.

Great, great. I'll talk about that. There's some good, I mean, I always like to impress and Steve. Yeah, great. Those guys. Yeah, those guys are great. There's an Orlando show that I was like,

I was like, oh, it's Orlando. I said, no, it was a great morning show. I forget the name of the show. Yeah, Preston and Steve are good. Man, Heidi are good here. You know, they're fun to do. And there's like, you know, John DeBella, is that his name? He's also in Philly that the old dude with the big curly mustache. That's a nice guy. He's got, you know, been around for a long time.

It's a very kind of nice interview. Yeah, they, they, he wants, that's the thing is, those like three shows want it. Well, those guys of that generation that got crushed by Howard and are still in the game. You know, it's, yeah. There's some good ones. We used to do, when I moved to San Francisco, Alex Bennett was, Alex Bennett had, like, sort of defined the comedy scene in San Francisco by having comics on the Morning Show constantly. And he was sort of one of those guys that Stern pushed out, like, one of the guys, like,

yeah, I invented it, you know, and Howard just ran with it, you know, like, all right. But by the time we got there, by the time I got to San Francisco, it was like, I don't know, he was kind of, that whole thing had kind of waned. He had this live in studio audience and at this point, it was just, you know, a guy in a Star Trek outfit and something due to Brut dope, you know, Brut weed. And there was like, it was kind of like this tragic thing. And he'd have three comics in there. And in my recollection, all you would do

is just sit there and listen to Alex complain about his stomach. Like, and anyone got a, I feel a little flu. Anyone else feel flu? You're like, it's hot in here. Like it just went on for fucking everyone. Just complaining. Yeah, but I remember like, I just got,

I just, you just sit there and you tried to riff and you think it was important because you had other good comics there, but I one time I went after Craig Schumacher, like I was just talking about this to somebody the other night. And I don't know, like I wouldn't be surprised if that guy was still mad at me for this. You was the end. Yeah, he was well, he was a touring guy. He wasn't one of the local comics.

But at that time San Francisco, before everyone left, there was a lot of us there. I mean, I got to San Francisco around the same month that Pat and did and Blaine could patch. And then there was the scene that was still there. A lot of people had left. And you went there before LA, right? Well, I went after college. I went to LA, became a dormant, the store,

and then got fucked up on drugs. And I went back to Boston, started my career in Boston, started working in 88 professionally, and then I moved to New York, 89.92. I moved to San Francisco, and then I went back to New York in 95, and then I ended up back out here in 2000. Yeah.

That's a lot of chasing the dream. Yeah, you're chasing it in all the good cities though. Well, yeah, all of them had something to offer, but with Alex, I used to get so fucking, just, it would just play on my nerves. And like in Chumaker was like just represented, you know, he was like, there was a sort of element of the king of haktum to a certain degree.

You know, there was, he just, yeah, and I'm not trying to start shit with Craig, but how could this not? Yeah, he did, but, and I'm not trying to start shit with Craig, but how could this not? Yeah, he did. But I got nothing against the guy. Maybe at that time. I'm sure he'll take it as well. Maybe at that time, I was a little more aggravated about.

Every, look, if you can survive in this business, God bless. Yeah. But so he's, like every time a guest, a real guest would come in, he treated the three comics that were sitting there Like fucking children and he'd be like all right So I'm just gonna handle the interview again is it because I'm the best interviewer So we had a sit the Alex would do yeah, so we had to sit there like kids Yeah, well, he talked to the you know the actor or the musician who's and was shoe maker and it would be kind of bothering me

It's like he's just a comic right. He's the real guest. He's the real guy. Right, right, right, right. And you know, they have this really, I was such a fucking cunt. I'm like, they're having this like real conversation about divorce, you know, stuff. And you know, it's kind of like, you know, Alex is talking about and Craig had just been divorced and it's really kind of like, you know, it's kind of getting teed.

And I just start going like, what happened love, master? I'm like, you know, it's kind of getting deep. I just start going like, what happened love master? Oh. Yeah. Oh my god. I know. I know too.

And I got to go and hold on to your woman love master. And it's like, and like, we even finished just looking at me. Like, would you shout out? What do you, you know, I'm like, oh my god. I'm how to crack take it. Do you start taking it? Well, he just sort of, no, he just was kind of taking it back. And like, they both be active.

Are you mocking my pain and my, exactly. Yeah, he's like, this is sort of like, why is the child talking? Yeah, yeah. And then, I don't remember how it ended. It was too early to remember anything. I did morning radio for a year and a half. I don't know how I did it.

I don't know what happened. I don't remember who I talked to. You're still asleep, totally. I used to get up and I would drink a gallon of Dunkin' Donuts coffee and eat M&Ms throughout the morning from six to nine. Just jam. How long were you doing this work? I did for like a year and a half.

Wow. It's quite a life, man. Cause we had to do news and shit. I was driving the show and then my partner Mark Riley, he was like the news guy and it was like lefty talk radio. Yeah, but like we were fundamentally, you know Comedy show we're doing bits all the time writing bits. I get up like three in the fucking morning. No every day Dude every day and I try to do you walk around feeling like you were just in a really long pillow fight Yeah, I'm like what's I don't need it fucks with your head totally Yeah, and you have to like be even bed by 8 30. And if it if 930 happens, you're like, Oh, fuck, I'm fucked. Oh, yeah.

I had post production job here in LA for a while. Right. At one point I was on the graveyard shift. Yeah. Completely. It completely ruins your life. Yeah. I'd show up to work at 70 and we'd be done at seven. Oh, no. And I had a cool boss who, every once in a while, I wouldn't do it every week, but I would be like, hey, like this week on these days, can I go to spots?

Yeah. Or he would let it go. Or every once in a while, I would ask for like a day off. But most of the time, you're just like, I mean, I remember your body like never really adjusts to being awake.

No, you always feel nauseous. Yes, it feels sick. And then you've got to, I got into the mindset where it's like, if I can get eight in, even if it's in separate chunks, I'm good. So I'd finish the show, I'd go home, and then I'd sweet from noon to three, and I'm like, okay, that's three.

Yeah, you know? And then, like, picking up your hours. Right, and then on weekends, I'd want to do. Yeah, you know, and then like picking up your hours. Right. And then like on weekends, I'd want to do spots, but you're still out of it. You can never readjust. You can't adjust. So I would just try to get these packages of sweeping.

Yeah. And I don't know, you don't have a life. You can't have a life. It was impossible too. Yeah, because you feel like you have the flu all the time. You do it. Like friendships, relationships, they just don't. Nothing really evolves.

I remember, at first you're always panicked, you know, to like, like when I'm a job star, don't fuck this up and don't get in trouble. Once I got comfortable, I would find like an empty edit bay. And I'm going to go crashing here. And I remember like, like editors, I was cool with who would be coming. They were like, down the hall we can hear you snoring. Oh, like in this edit bay. I was like, really?

They're like, it's wild man Towards it towards the end of my reign on morning radio when we knew the jig was up my partner just stop giving a fuck Yeah, he would literally fall asleep while I was talking to I got to be like hey, what do you think mark? Oh, yeah I got to be like, hey, what do you think, Mark? Oh, yeah. I, yeah, I, you're like, oh my god. I was ridiculous. You don't get me fucking off.

Zero. Zero. Fucking sleeping on the air. He went right there on the mic. Oh my god, man. That was the worst. But I remember getting up like, I used to like, there was a certain heroic element too. I used to run, I used to be like a a like a short-order guy at a restaurant,

you know, and when I was in college and after college when I started doing comedy, I usually work in restaurants, but like I'd have to open the place, make pancakes, get the batter going, get real up, do the eggs, do the sandwiches, and like there was something about like fucking partying, doing, you know, three or four in the morning, and then being able to show up, six to open the restaurant, and still have like a little bit of blow. See, that was the, that's where you learned like, you know, three or four in the morning and then being able to show up six to open the restaurant and still have like a little bit of blow. See, that was the, that's where you learned how to do blow. See, that's where you learned how,

like the best part about blow was if you could fucking find it in your fucking heart to set aside a little for the morning. That was, like that, then you're a real pro, man. Because like, I have your work at six. I'm just gonna keep these two bumps. Yeah. But then there's usually a manager at the place that you can get below.

So you do your morning bumps, you get the batter going. You get the lines coming in, you got the doops coming up. And you're like, dude, you got, you know, so then you're jammed by the time you get off work. What would morning blow feel like that? It was so great. It was so great. It was so, it's like, you never smoke cigarettes either? Yeah, I did.

Oh, so you remembered the first cup of coffee and the first cigarette and then how good that was? It's like twice as good as that. Okay. Yeah, all right. I might have to get my mom on some blow so she loves that too. Oh God, the first cigarette and coffee,

like that could last two hours. The great thing about being in a comic, especially when you had jobs, it would just enable you to do that. It's like you could get up and do coffee and cigarettes for two hours. Easy. Yeah, to the point where you needed a nap.

You know, I stopped. I came out of the other side. So cigarettes because of how much I was making it a part of being a comic. Oh yeah. And like I realized that I was just getting a part of being a comic. I realized that I was just getting deeper, I used to be the kind of person that would be like, yeah, give me a cigarette. When we could smoke on stage, you mean?

Well, I did it on stage a few times, but I mean that, so I wasn't a smoker, then I start smoking after I started doing stand-up, and then I was like, oh, this is fun to do before a set, after a set, thinking about setting. Yeah, yeah. And I thinking about setting, writing. And I just became like, I was getting into smoking too much where I was like, you know, I was loving it

and I was like, I'm just gonna get terrible with this. So I cut it out. But I did it for five years. Five, yeah. Wow. Well, I just mean I started. I shouldn't have, I should have ever started here. What a hero.

I started. Ah! I shouldn't have, I should have ever started a hero. I started. Ah! I'm like a started at 14, could not get off a shit for most of my life. Are you over it now? You know, you're early.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I didn't smoke, but nicotine was a motherfucker. I mean, I like, you know, I smoked, like I don't, I think I had my last cigarette, probably in 99. Jesus. But then like, but then I was like 35, there's one I got sober, but then I was, like, I would, I would do the nicotine gum and then I was like 35 as one I got sober,

but then I was, like, I would do the nicotine gum and I was doing nicotine loss inches up until two years ago. Like I would smoke cigars, like all these idiots who smoke cigars, like, you know, sit around in the cigar circle and try to figure out who the alpha is. Yeah, I spoke to you guys. I got no problem with it.

I fucking love it. But my problem is, is like, just in the same way that you apparently can have a cocktail occasionally. I'll have one cigar and then like, you know, then I'll have another one, you know, in a few days later. But you know, give me a month and I'm smoking two or three a day and I'm fucked. I'm fucked.

I'm just sitting on my porch sweating. And then I gotta get back on the nicotine loss and just to get off the cigar. And then like, oh, fuck it. It's been, it'll be two years in August with no nicotine at all. So, wow. But I'm 57.

Okay. So you did it a little longer than me. Ah! Do you know what a dip should I felt like starting cigarettes though? Because, what age? 25. Stupid.

Like, everybody who I knew was smoked, they're like, yeah, I started as a teenager. And I'm like, yeah, I kind of made it past that, but I want to get started now. I want to get started now. It's a row of the dice. You lucky you don, they're like, yeah, I started as a teenager. And I'm like, yeah, I kind of made it past that, but I wanna get started now. I wanna get started now. It's a roll of the dice. You lucky, you don't have the bug, man, because. And it's like, I don't know, with anything.

Like, I don't have anything right now, but the coffee, and there's always this part of my being that is sort of like, you know, I gotta, where's the, this is like weird itch for relief. Yes. You know, and you know, with coffee works for the most part. But like, I've been on this fucking sugar detox for like two and a half weeks.

Sugar's a motherfucker man. But I got off it and I feel pretty good. And I know that I'm getting drawn. That's the fucked up thing. I like losing weight. But when you get my age, if you cross a certain line, you look a hundred. Yeah, yeah, right True and you feel great. You're like man. I'm in the best shape ever like your oldest fuck. Okay

Do you have cancer? No, it's terrible. I know as soon as you lose like a it's over a line where you start to see like bones right? You want to keep your face plump. Yeah, yeah, you're good with that. Thanks. I Right, you want to keep your face plump. Yeah, yeah, you're good with that. Thanks. It's been a struggle. Yeah, but to keep it fat. Yeah, man, I'm one of those guys.

I just keep eating and nothing happens. Shit. No, it's great. You know you've been fat when I'm down like 30 some pounds right now. Yeah, you were from December. I've seen you. And people are like, if you lost weight, I'm like, 30 some pounds right now. From December of senior year. And people are like,

if you lost weight, I'm pretty significant amount. And they're like, oh, I fucking like, my mother was like a professional eating disorder. Like she, her life is managing an eating disorder. Right. And she's very proud of it.

Like, you know, like, she's like, she's weighed 116 pounds her entire life. And she maintains it, you know, exercise and eating like a weird shit. It was so beautiful though, because she made me crazy about weight. From my whole life. You know, like, where are the husky pants for my fat son? But now, like, during the pandemic, she put on like 15, 20 pounds. So I went down to visitor and Ford,

and she's like, you can't say anything anymore. No. Look at you, Fattie. You know, like, but that's not true. She looked great. She looked the best she had. Did you ever shit about it? I did not, but she did, like, I could tell it was wearin' on her.

Cause it's her whole life. Yeah. And she's like, I don't know if I can take it off. I'm like, okay. Yeah. I just, you know, I wasn't gonna, you know, I'm not gonna hit her when she's down. She has a comment, but I'm not gonna.

Yeah, that's gonna let it be. But the point being like, when I start losing weight, I get into it, I before, when I was going into the third season of glow, you know, I wanted to make sure I was kind of lean because you're gonna sit around eat all the time on set. That's all you fucking do. Craft services, whatever.

Oh, there's a cake. It's like what? Deserted every meal. And I don't know how, what is it with gaffers and crew people? They can just eat cake and ice cream with every fucking meal? Every meal.

What is that? I don't know. And you're thinking like, why can't I do that? Because you can't. I don't know what their life is or what their metabolism is. They have real jobs. They burn it off.

They're fucking picking shit up all day. Yeah, you're not, they're not just sitting into chair with their name on it, waiting to say three things in an outfit that isn't theirs. Yeah. So. But I got, I got, I started losing weight. And then I just, like I just can't stop, right?

So, and I think I look great. And by the time you know I'm doing, well, I'm like, this is great, you know, the pants are fit and I got a little, a little, a little, a little, a little way to eat. And I look at that season, I I think I look great. Yeah. By the time you know, I'm doing, well, I'm like, this is great. You know, the pants are fitting. I got a little weight, weight, weight to eat. And I look at that season, I look like I had cancer. Really? Oh, yeah. Look at season three of Glow. You can, my fingers are boning. And no one, and no one said nothing. No, they don't. No, it's like someone should have said, dude, we got to know when they had to start writing around the fact that I glossed that much weight. The fucked up thing about weight,

whether you're up or down and what, you are the one that goes, God, I was scared and then everyone will be like, yeah, man, we were gonna say something. You're like, well, then fucking say it. Yeah, it's the same with dating crazy people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like that chick was fucking nuts. I all knew that.

Exactly, yeah. I know, yeah, we know. And I'm your best friend and I thought that, but I just didn't have to say it. Sorry, yeah, you had a good restraining order. Yeah. I just didn't have to say yeah, sorry Yeah, you had to get a restraining order Sorry, you're a fucking yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the car got broken. Yeah, yeah, so the whole house is burnt or just part of it But but we're still friends, man I just didn't want to you know interfere you know, you don't want to you know, it's like it's your shit

You know, you know, you know, we don't want to get involved, you know, it's not cool now I want to say shit all the time though. I feel like the older I get the more I have less reservations about but the problem is you don't want to get involved, you know, it's not cool. Now I want to say shit all the time though. I feel like the older I get, the more I have less reservations about. But the problem is you don't always know, like you get a sense, you know, but who the hell knows what people are like, you know, and what's really going on here. You know, and you don't really know. You don't, and you assume your things are okay

until they're fucking not. Oh my God, I did like, my voice is like a little played because yesterday, I'm doing a cartoon movie, you know? And we're at the end of it and they saved what they call the efforts for the last day. So that I had to go record yesterday. All the efforts, it's three pages of grunts and screams.

Oh, so you just sit there like, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh Oh, so you just sit there like, ugh. Ah. Ugh. Ugh. Ah. Ugh. Like you, can we get three of those? Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Great work. Yeah, exactly. I'll tell you that. It was a kind of entire- You're doing like so many acting jobs now. You're always on something. It's kind of fun to challenge.

Like I'm getting off on it. You enjoy it. Well, I didn't understand what it was that was because I kept getting cast as some kind of half a version of me, you know, so I never really like and I talked to a lot of actors on the podcast and I was like, how do you appreciate this? Because shooting TV or movies is long. It's a lot of waiting. it's hard not to get impatient, but that's part of the job. You start to realize, big actors, why don't they just got into it,

and start to like, I can just hang out. Yeah. Yeah, like, you know, why do you like doing this? Like, I just got a nice trailer, just hang out in there and read and do what I want. It's like, that's your life. We shoot for the white. Yeah, right.

It's like, I can't sit in a fucking trailer. I go nuts. But now, I took a role that it was one of these things where this director kept bothering me. It was fucking peak COVID. I'm in a massive amount of grief because I lost somebody. And this guy won't leave me alone. He's like, I want you to do this movie.

I'm like, why me? He's like, I just think to do this movie. I'm like, why me? He's like, why just, I just think you'd be perfect for this part. And I'm like, well, what is it? It's like, it's this guy. He's Texan. I'm like, wait, what? So, he keeps bothering me.

And I'm like, okay. And I talked to my management. Somehow they all convinced me that doing a movie in the middle of COVID would be safer than going to Ralph's. Right, yeah. And it made sense to me. And it might even be true,

because there were protocols and everything else. But the point is, is that like this role, I was nervous because this guy is not like me, he's not neurotic, he's not a Jew, he's not, you know, angry and he's like Texan and he's kind of a, you know, kind of a heartbroken character, but it's a big part.

And I say, okay, I'll do it. And I say the guy like, but I don't know about the accent, man. I don't know about the accent. And then like I talked to James Conn, you know, this is the weird thing about doing what I do and about how he approaches things. And if you start to watch, like the real movie stars do parts where they do an accent, they never hold it. It's always in and out. And you don't really get too fucked up about it because they're showing up for the part it's fine. So that was, I implanted that rationalization in my head.

I'll just do my best and if I follow out of it, fuck it, who cares? What the review is going to be? No bad accent. And it wasn't Boston, which is you never do that. Never take a show where you got to hey how I yet so so I so I meet with you know I do the dialogue coach thing and I get you know and she it was so funny because it was a Lubbock basically a Lubbock accent and he has a point of reference she said

you know she gave me some links to Mac Davis interviews. You know, Mac Davis, the singer, is he from love it? Yeah. Okay. But it's a very subtle kind of trip. And you get these keywords where you kind of, you know, how they say certain things. And I just said, fuck it, man. If this, if I'm going to be an actor, this is like, this is part of the,

Sure. The application of these skill. Right. And I fucking did it. And I have no idea how it came out. The director is like, it's great. And I'm like, well, what do you guys always say that? Yeah, yeah, like what's it going to be? Is this going to be like, I don't know, man. But yeah, that was more of a well-pounding. That was more of a touching one.

That was more of a Theo Vaughn. The trick is really is how to get the sounds and then not make it a caricature. So you gotta make it your voice and figure out the words where, I don't know, I have to see the words, I can't just drop back into it, but I did the work and hopefully it shows up. That's awesome. I've been working on my text and well,

since I live there now, so here it is. How do you do? Well, it's nice. I like it because you kind of suck it in. Yeah, yeah. You know, there's nice. I like it because you kind of suck it in. Yeah, yeah. You know, there's a passive aggression, do you know? Like, you know, we've all taken the hit here.

Yeah. So, like, I've been making fun of you guys. For me, moving there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been fun, man. I mean, I don't know. I also feel like my lifestyle is amazing. Well, you're, I think you're different.

You know, I think that, you know, you're your own guy, you're your own life. You weren't one of the guys that rented out space in Joseph's ass. And you know, you... Yeah. It's just like a human centipede in Austin. It's like Iwan, Musque, Joe Rogan, and three middle acts. You know? So...

But you seem to do your own thing. Yeah, well, yeah. We have our own, you know, our own, see people are gonna see that and go, I go and get married, he's bitter. It's like, why wouldn't I be? Why? A hundred million dollars for going, I don't know.

Really? Yeah. That's, that's a lot. He Rogan's pushing back. I don't know, man. So. Ah. Look, God bless.

But like, yeah, I'm not gonna sit here and accept Austin as the next for Shangra la. Yeah. Because people always forget the finish of sentence, you know. Hey man, I'm moving to Austin. Texas, yes. Yeah, yeah, it's still Texas. Oh, that is really Texas.

It's really Texas. It's like the hipstralomo. It's just a little enclave. It does feel like you're in, you're totally in a different unit. Like obviously it's the most time I've ever spent there. Usually you come in, you do a weekend of shows, you know. But it is not like any other Texas experience, you know.

No, I look, I've always liked it. I've spent time there, you know, but you know, let's be honest, it's four stores, a lot of meat and a lot of musicians who are, you know, failed elsewhere. So I can... Yeah. Things didn't pan out naturally. I'm back. Yeah, yeah.

You guys still want to play? The funny thing was, when we actually, you know, bit like May the decision to move, and everything, honestly, is always predicated. When you're married with kids, it's like, your wife has to be on board with this thing. Sure. And when she was like, no, no, when she was on board, I never thought she would leave LA ever. And so when she was like, no, I'm very excited about it

and like being the driving force, I was like, all right, let's go. And we did. But also like, you know, there is like a tax benefit. There's a tax benefit. There's definitely like, as like real road dogs, we know we basically tore all the time. Oh yeah.

That's very exciting to have that year round touring from the center of my previous year. Okay, yeah. That part's really exciting to me. But I also had this thing where I go, you know, if we don't like it, there's no rules that say you can't move, like we'll move back to LA.

And then she was like, oh, we're not moving back. And I was like, okay. Yeah. Okay. Decided, really? Yeah, and she was like, definitely not. Yeah. I was like, there she wasn't Okay. Decided, really? Yeah. And she was like, definitely not. Yeah.

She wasn't happy here or she just don't want to move again. She definitely doesn't want to move again. And she also really wants our boys to feel like centered and grounded and in one place. So she's like, they're starting school. She has my older oldest starts kindergarten. Right. She was, I am not fucking moving him in third grade.

Well, she grew up in some insanity. Yeah, she grew up in some insanity. Yeah. And, you know, yeah, you want stability in that school. I get it. Like I grew up in New Mexico. I get Texas. And I, you know, I'm not even saying it's not a great place in some ways, but it's just sort of like there was this momentum of sort of, like, it's all moving. I tweeted the other day. I'm like, I heard that all comedy audiences are moving to Austin. I hope that we have like, everybody's talking like, so Creek and the Cave is open there, which is great. The Vulcan gas, whatever it's called.

We've done shows there, but the club still have to open. So like, Cap City shut down, so that, that's gone though, right? Well, it's gonna, someone's gonna reopen it. Is Grossman gonna reopen it? He, no, he's opening helium separately holy shit we but it's just it's shit what I know and there's another Club is gonna open to what about the what about Rogan's he was a Logan world where we have to Rob the supplement counter and the training camp the supplement counter is still open

No, he was gonna open a place that that place didn't pan out, but he's still looking at other spots. I just thought it was an amazing amount of movement just so Joe could have his own booth. Yeah, he brought people with him. I know, I know, I know. Store people went there. Yeah, I know, I know.

It's, look, that was the only thing that was starting to drive me nuts. It's not like, I really have nothing against any of them, anybody. But it was just this establishment, the idea that like, no, show business is moving to Austin. It's not. No. And it's like, it was like such kind of crazy pandemic thinking.

It was. It was. It was. I mean, that's part of it is definitely pandemic fueled. Yeah. And I think people get excited, like we even did too about the fact that That you know significant companies are going it just means that like a city is growing you know You know, yeah, that must be the bane of Austinites existence of course it is

Hey, you know, I mean whole foods was always there. I know but now oracles moving there I know it's like that it's gonna be the you it's gonna be the tech-raping of a sweet town. Oh, yeah, it's gonna ruin things that people love. Totally, of course. But I'm like, I'm fine. Yeah, so, I mean. I don't, but you start to realize as you get older that every place really becomes a small town

because you eventually figure out what your route, what rounds you make Exactly. No matter how big the city is like I lived in New York for years But I lived in New York of you know four blocks and a few separate places Yeah, and that's what I did here for 19 years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've never been wherever the fuck we are right now Yeah, I'm not gonna thank you for taking me out I'll tell you something I regret fucking getting this place I'm like yeah, okay, so I was driving out and I'm like,

what is this? I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why we picked this place. It's not even a strip mall, even what this is. It's sad and it's dangerous. Would you call it an office park? Yeah, business park. Yeah, I think what here's what happened,

we used to live. So this is one of the reasons she's sick of moving. We used to live 15 minutes from here. I remember the place where the studio went. The place we moving. We used to live 15 minutes from here. I remember the place with the studio. The place you went, the place we went. Okay, this is 15 minutes from that. So that's a very easy commute. And you're like, you know, this is whatever.

And now it's like you have to commute from Texas. That's a little bit longer. But then we moved in LA over the hill. So this became like a 30, 40 minute commute. And then now we have to get on flights. Yeah. But this is where you your guest basis is that the deal and it hurts here. You can't get burnt to Texas. Oh, he's going to he's not gonna move there Yeah, because his girls are in high school, but he's gonna fly out a bunch. Yeah. Yeah to do this to do this

Yeah, and we'll just bank will do like four at a time you know, over a couple days. Yeah, like a strip show. Yeah. Do the do a month's worth. Yeah, that's the, I mean, that's what I'm doing with this week. Yeah. This week I've been here every day doing multiple podcasts every day. Yeah, I get it and it you know, I get been and you got to sustain it. I guess there's don't, is there anybody in Texas that you talk to?

Did I talk to? Do you have a studio set up there? Yeah, yeah. That's the reason that we're even coming back right now is because that studio is not done being built Oh, that's the only reason now are people flying in to do shit and people are flying in the do shows Yeah in Texas not but your show. I'm saying like well We haven't we haven't set it up yet, but yeah, the offers will be there that like we'll fly you up We'll put you out. Oh really? Yeah, so you're running that big in operation. Yeah. Yeah. Negotiating with agents. Can't do

first. Yeah. But we can do, you know, business select. Yeah, exactly on Southwest. Sure. Sure. Yeah. No, it really depends on who who were flying out. Yeah, like not dude. Yeah. You're sitting in the back of the bus. Get the fuck out of here. But like if it was you, I'd be like, Hey, man, yeah, 2D work. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take you upD work. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take you up on that. Yeah.

Have some brisket. Oh, dude, the fucking, the food really is unbelievable. Yeah, but again, I mean, you know, of any, of a certain type of food that you can eat maybe once or twice a month without dying. As a skinny guy, I'm lawn board with you. Yeah. But did you, have you got, like like I usually go out to OPs. That's where I go.

Haven't been there. Like I know a lot of people, everyone's got their barbecue place, but there was a period there. Like I have a relationship with Austin. I used to go there a lot. And I went out to that place where the town where I always forget where the three or four

barbecue places are. Was it lock stock? What lock? Lockhart. Lockhart? Yeah, drive out to lockhart. That's where blacks and mules and croixes. There's a few out there. And then there's another one sort of out the boonies.

Then you got Franklin's in town and Cooper's and then Lava Barbecue. It's always one that I just got into. It's amazing. Don't know anything about Lava Barbecue. But like years ago, a food critic who I met at South by Southwest was I believe in I'm not saying this in a to mock them was obese and in some sort of vehicular Wheelchair some kind I don't know it's a cool combo. Yeah, but oh We tall would fuck it fight that Hell Googling pictures

Yeah, but but she told me, it's even better than the girl. But she told me to go out to Opees, which is like the other way, because now it's outward willy, I think, but it's in Spicewood. And the great thing about it is, you gotta drive. You gotta drive 30 minutes to this barbecue place. And when you show up at this place, it's like a hanger, and it just says OPs on it. And you're like, it's like a, you've arrived at this thing.

And you walk in and they've got like, you know, you've arrived at this thing. And you walk in, and they've got like, you know, like an old smoker that's not hooked up with the stuff in there that they have for the day. So you just open it up, it's like an open casket, and they got the sausage and the chicken, and the ribs, and the brisket, and you kind of, I'll give you some of that,

and I'll slice it off from the, they've got free beans, most of the time, and they make a fucking, these cobblers are amazing. Bluebell ice cream. And if you have a corn, they have like a jalapeno corn, like do tater tot casserole. This is your spot. Yeah, if you go in Austin,

are you planning it, you're always going, like I'm going to go, oh yeah. Oh you do, okay. Oh yeah, and I talk about it. And they treat me like, you know, a king. Because like I've never shut up about Opus. I know I've given them a tremendous amount of business. I'll take you to La Barbecue though.

I am telling you, man. I heard about that. I remember it's not an old place, but it got a good reputation. It's good. Yeah, I never went to Franklin's because there's no fucking way I'm gonna wait online for meat.

Definitely not doing it. But I know it's great. Yeah. I've cooked his recipe for brisket on my, on my Trigger Grill, which I got for nothing. Thank you. Thank you, Trigger Grills. I've, I've, I've, do you sell?

Hey Trigger, send me a grill. Do you have one? No, I don't have one. How they not give you one? I don't know, Trigger. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Constantly I've only heard good things about them honestly the only the only downside of the of the smoker Girls is that you can't actually grill Do you understand you only smoke you have to smoke oh and in order to get grill like action You got really jam it up like like I didn't made a rib eye last night

Mm-hmm so to do a big ol fat rib eye and you want it you want to get seared yeah You got to smoke the fucker like a 2255, like an hour, and then you take it off and then crank the grow up to 500 and then throw it back on each side for a couple minutes to get the sear, but it's great, but you can't get fire. But you can, because the traggers are basically like a pellets, right? It's a pellets, but it's a smoke driven convection of it. But it'll smoke, like I've done three brisket, so I'm trying to get the hang of that.

Pretty good? Yeah, man. Do you do it with the thermometer? Like, you go, yeah, you go. Yeah, fuck it. I'm not gonna pretend. Yeah, so I'm like, no, I'll just do it by feel. Like, I'm gonna fuck it up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm not a restaurant guy anymore. Yeah. You know what I came, I don't need the thermometer. And then you're like, I think it's done. Not only is it done, it's ruined. Good job. How about using the thermometer next time, stupid? I undercooked me to, like, for think it's done. Not only is it done, it's ruined. Good job. How about using it for mom and her next time, stupid?

I undercook me for a lot of people. Really? Well, yeah, and then I learned a good, you feel like a, I don't know, a total idiot doing it. I feel like if you're inside and you have the cast iron grill, you can reverse sear it, right? So you bake it first, which just feels silly. Well, that's sort of the same, but it's smoking it.

It's smoking, right? You can call it smoking it. You're still baking it outside. I don't know, with smoke. But the best is like a high, high heat grill. I know, man. But you can't get that really at home. Yeah, I mean, you can't use this.

You want a gas grill, it's not going to do it. I have this fancy stove that was in the house that I bought it. It's like a thermidor, and it's got like a griddle element in between the four burners. I'm like, I don't need a fucking griddle. Why not one of those big fucking grill things? Yeah, you know, that'd be good.

But like the places that do that like the real steak houses, those girls are really fucking hot. You're not, you can't, you can get a green egg to like number six. Good, if you want to learn how to do that. Yeah, like, you know, green egg or smoke too, but you then you've got like, you want to learn how to do that. Yeah. Green egg will smoke too, but then you've got, like you got to put together a skill set. See the, the Trigger is for morons.

Hello, yeah, it's for us. You know where, you know, you get an app and you can control it from your phone and you can control the temperature. There's no sort of like, what you got to watch the vents. Oh yeah, with that green egg, it's all about air and fire control.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, to smoke a person like on a green egg, you gotta figure it out. Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's exciting. Like, there was some douche bagu. Like, I got that Trager, you know, I was having a good time with it and some idiot fan emails me.

It's like, the Trager's not gonna really do the smoking that you want, man. You can hot rod it by adding this thing, but if you really wanna smoke meat, you're gonna have to get yourself one of these smokers. I'm like, what the fuck, Buzzkill? Yeah, those people are the worst. Yeah, so I'm not making, I'm not opening a restaurant.

I'm just having a nice meal. There's always that person in. And he too is credited, he apologized, wait, just like, sorry, man, I got carried away. I was just like, I lost part of my life to smoking. I respect, I respect the guy that'll do that and then go, my bad. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, because they get all excited.

They get all excited. And then they realize like it didn't, how much of their life their marriage probably went bad because of yelling about like a hickory wood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't get oak.

Yeah. This is bullshit, man. I've been out there for two hours. I'm leaving. You'll go fuck yourself. Just a guy out by a smoker alone. Anytime anyone mentions a smoker, I gotta lay into this guy first. Like, no, no, what can happen? Yeah, yeah, he's not doing it right. Yeah, but it's uh, but I use it. I smoke fish like a Jew fish, like which I was very.

What's a Jew fish? What's very excited, you know, can we let him guess what a Jew fish is? What Jew fish is? But we added you. Oh, yeah. Oh, one of those. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you can guess what Jew fish is. What I'm referring to. Macro. Yeah, not Macro. No. Macro is oddly not one of the Jew fish. The Jew fish I'm talking about, when you go to like uh... ross and daughters or

real deli to get smoke fish you've got you've got your locks yeah and you've got your white fish and you've also got your sable fish and your sturgeon for the high-end smoke shit and it there's a way of doing it maybe they smoke michael too but usually it's white fish or locks but macrill or uh... sable fish is great okay it's white fish or locks, but sable fish is great. It's just black cod. But in order to make it,

you slice it into sections, I gotta brine it. So I just found a recipe online that seemed to work. So you get the sable fresh because I go to fish king in Glendale, it's the best. It's a real fish market, it's five minutes from my house. This is why I love where I live. I'm five minutes from fish king, five minutes from Whole Foods. I don't go to even go to Trader Joe's anymore. I got Walgreens right there if I need a thing, you know, some mouthwash and toothpicks.

And then or medicine, you know. You got everything. I got everything. And then like two miles, three miles away is the Americana. And if I have to get a suit, I can do it in like half hour. So I can tie sunglasses all of it. Oh, it's there. It's right there. But I don't feel it at my house. Like I'm sitting on my porch.

I don't feel the presence of blooming dales. Yeah. So it's far enough away to where I don't feel the weight of it. Okay, so I buy the sable fish and then he cut it up and then I do it a dry brine. Right, so I salt. Is this interesting? Yeah, I do a cup of salt, two tablespoons of garlic powder, quarter cup of sugar, mix that up and then just cover that shit with salt and let it sit for three hours, wash it off, let it sit overnight, you know, in the fridge, it develops this sheen

to it that's going to hold the smoke flavor and then you smoke it for like two, three hours. I love it. And, you know, and then paprika, maybe honey based a little bit. Do you ever do the thing where you get away, like right now you're in it. I'm saying, where you get away from cooking for a while. And then you go like, oh, I actually enjoy like, I enjoy it. But here's the thing I used to cook. Yeah. A lot more. And now I realize that I have not done that in a while, like gotten a recipe together and bought the things and made it myself.

And then I got fixated right before I flew here, I ordered a bunch of shit to make pasta at home. Like the flour. And I got the sticks that you dry it on. Oh yeah. Like the full stretch. And I got like the sticks that you dry it on. Oh wow. I bought it all. So I got a call. They're like, what my what?

She's like, what is all this? I'm like, oh, I'm making pasta from scratch. She's like, you are? And I'm like, yep. And she's like, when did you, I go, I just, when I get back, she goes, you know how? I go, I'll fucking figure it out. And I just want to take this moment to say,

don't fucking tell me how you do it. OK? I don't care. Don't send me't fucking tell me how you do it, okay? I don't care, don't send me a fucking message, or in the comments, I got it. Did you get like a hand crank? Yep, oh wow, he really gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, it's just because I feel like it's been... So there's a 50-50 chance it's gonna end up

like a wedding present. Yeah, it could be, yeah. It's gonna end up with the bread maker in the closet or whatever the fuck. We'll see. I get back Saturday. I've done, I've made those purchases before. But no, I cook all the time to the point where it calms me.

It's like a, it's not just a hobby. I cook, I'd rather cook my own food than eat it a restaurant where I'm like, I could have made this or this is garbage. Yeah. I know what they use. Just butter or is it okay? I really only want to go to restaurants where I'm like, this is a make-resif. Or you, it's stuff you can't do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Indian restaurants. Like I'm not gonna, I can't, I've tried to make Indian food, but it's fine, but why not go to the Indian place? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chinese food, I'm not gonna be able to pull it on. Right, right. I hardly ever eat Chinese food.

I don't know why, I love, I don't eat that much now. No, Thai, I used to eat it more, I used to, there was like a period where I was eating it all the time here in LA tie here in LA. We had a good guy like on Hollywood over time. Yeah, look, there's like tie town. Yeah, and then there's actually like every pocket of LA has at least a at least a time. Yeah, pretty good tie restaurant. South Bay had a really good one that I would eat at a lot. But now it's been a while, I haven't had much time. I didn't eat out hard for the pandemic. I didn't order it at all.

I cooked constantly. You didn't really like not really pick up or anything? Not really, not hardly at all. Sushi, are you a sushi guy? Yeah, but like I'll even... You'll make your own sushi? Well, I just made some poke yesterday with some sea bass. So I could have joined the fish king place.

They'll cut up some albacore. They usually have big chunk of tuna. They got sushi salmon. Then this sea bass. So I could have joined the fish king place. They'll cut up some albacore. They usually have big chunk of tuna. They got sushi salmon. Then this sea bass I got yesterday. I like sushi, yeah, sure. Yeah, I love sushi. It's great. And it makes sushi there too.

Like I'm full on fish king. They're gonna hate me for ruining the acquaintance of it. Yeah, yeah. They make it because you're fucking, the reach of this. Oh no, people are gonna go. Oh, they're gonna go to fish

Oh, yeah, I married told us yeah, yeah, this was the place And these guys gonna be like you used to be nice. I'll tell you what yeah, don't get the There's always a fucking racket dude Are these fucking nailed down? No, I don't think so Hey, what can I ask you this though? Do you feel because I feel like most comedians? I just funny. We're an hour and I'm getting defensive. What now, Tom? No, it's not.

Haven't I done enough about acting? It's about acting though. Because like everybody, like every, like, you know, if you go to the store, you could pull everyone and be like, have you done acting roles? And everyone will be like, yeah, like, you know, you could find someone to indistire in this movie, but like, do you feel like now,

you're not, like, you're not a comic who's gotten some acting roles, but like, you're a legit actor now too. I don't know how I feel but like, do you feel like now you're not a, like, you're not a comic who's gotten some acting roles, but like, you're a legit actor now too. I don't know how I feel because like, I was able to observe and know how comics handled it, you know? Like, when I got my own show, it was on IFC. So like, I, no one watched it. And it was great. Four seasons, I could just do whatever I wanted. It's a great show, but I learned how to be on TV. And I knew the first season or season and a half that I was not gonna really know how to do it.

And I'm just gonna have to let that happen. Because you can't fake it. You're on a set doing a thing you've ever done before. You're gonna have to take the hit. And I could see it. So I was, you see that just you're in a series. Well, yeah, well, you're just sort of like, you're not completely comfortable. On a set, I didn't see that just you're getting scared? Well, you just sort of like, you're not completely comfortable.

On a set, I didn't do that kind of training. I was in in front of rooms crying. I was hiding the crying. But actors, they stand in front of a group of people crying. And they're like, oh! But as a comic, you're like, I'm not crying. I mean, not crying. So, totally different. But I still am wary to call myself an actor,

but I don't know why, because there's only a handful of amazing actors, and then there's just a bunch of people that are getting away with it. Yeah, that's totally true. That is 100% true. And they know that, it's pretending. You're like when you ask people,

like what's your craft? I'm like, I don't know. Either you can do it or you can't. But that's where that whole sort of sense of challenging myself. And I think there is, there's obviously better actors who can do stage and do all that stuff. But I think I'm getting better at it. I don't know if I'd call myself an actor, but I'm in this, this, this Jennifer Hudson movie, this, Wreath of Franklin movie.

That's going to come out in August. I think it's going to be big. Dude. Yeah, it's, it's the, it you ever see a wreath alive. No, I did great Right. Yeah, it was amazing. I saw her in South Carolina at a like a 1500 seat theater. Yeah. Oh wow and it was it was fucking it was amazing. She's a lover. Oh my god I remember Danny Glover was at the show because she acknowledged him during the show Oh, yeah, and I also remember that um you know what she came out and I mean, of course place goes nuts and she sings, you know, one of her songs and then yeah, one of the big ones. One of the big ones. And she's in one of the big

ass dresses. She's huge. Yeah, and and she would do like a like a move, and then she was like, all right, she would walk off stage, and you were like, is the show over? And then like 20 minutes later, she would come back in a new outfit and do like another song or two, and then take a break. Take a break. And the show was like two plus hours, six outfits,

and like nine songs. Wow, that was the show. But I mean, it was all, it was all that hits, you songs. Wow, that was the show. But I mean, it was all, it was all the hits, you know. Yeah, that's the show, that is the show. I mean, those outfits aren't nothing. Those outfits aren't nothing. That's like half the show. So you've got a full show, you've got like 10 songs,

10 outfits. Yeah, it's full show. It's a full show. It was incredible. I mean, the worst part is that with someone like that, you know, their voice is so iconic, and the songs mean so much. People, everyone around you is singing the songs

at full volume. Like everything they've got. Yeah. Like, I want to die. Yeah. Like, just let her do it. That's why we're all here. Is it why you're all there though? Well, we want to hear this voice. That's yours.

It's so weird. Like, you know, I heard Paul McCartney, those poor people, like, I heard from Paul McCartney talking, man, I got to know, I'm not, I'm those poor people, like, I heard from Paul McCartney talking about, I got no, I'm not, I'm not saying he's a victim in any way, but yeah, yeah, because these guys, like, there are, for some reason, you know, I interviewed Paul, you know, in a live event, right? And he's so funny because like, I talked a lot of these old,

these rockers, right? Yeah. And, you know, all of them really on some level have to believe and do that they're doing their best work now. You know, you, really on some level, have to believe and do that they're doing their best work now. You have to believe that. But I remember Paul, I had to do it at Capitol Records for an event so it was live. And I really thought I was gonna get him. I, it's weird, even though he's a beetle,

like honestly, I'm a John guy. And I brought that with me. You know what I'm like, all right, so you're the living one. Yeah. So. Ah, fuck. You know, I busted his balls right out of the gate.

Right when I met him, it was he was promoting one of the last couple I've had Egypt station or whatever. Yeah. And I, right when I met him, I said, how are you doing, Paul? It's nice to meet you. So I, I, from when I understand Beatles is off the table, no deals, and he's like, okay.

So, um, but, but it's so funny, I'm interviewing him. And I'm like, you know, I talked to a lot of guys of your generation and they, you know, they, they usually feel like they're doing their, their best work now. Do you feel that way? And he looks at me and goes, I was in the Beatles. That's a great way. That's a great way.

Pretty high bar. Yeah, yeah. He's like, no, that's never gonna get there, man. Do you get nervous to interview someone? Like, did you do like extra research or just like make sure you have a grand question? Well, live is like, live is different, you know? Yeah, because you're kind of,

you got to play the audience too, you know. I just don't want, it was so funny. Like, you know, we started talking about Manson and he didn't realize that Manson had died. And he said, he's died. And he's like, oh, he did. That's my part, that's my part in Beatles history. I'm the guy who told Paul McCartney

that Charlie Manson was dead. Yeah, he had no idea. He didn't know. But, well, why would he keep up? He's like, he's gonna get a telegram. It's over, Paul. It's over, man. He's like, finally.

Mine's gone. Yeah, yeah. So, Helter Skelter can be what it was again. Yeah. Finally, that song is free from me. So, do I get nervous? I get nervous for different reasons. Yeah, I wasn't that nervous

because he's such a pro, you know. Sure. So, you feel like the same type he's such a pro, you know. Sure. So you feel like the same type of like comfort like Obama, like, or was that like more nervous? Well, no, because like I really had to prepare that because you know, I didn't want to talk about politics. I wanted to talk about him as a person. And I only had an hour.

So I really had a plan that, which I don't usually do. And with Paul, there was somewhat of a plan, but it was blue soon. I'm pretty loose usually. Have you ever been really nervous for a guest? Yeah, I have. Well, yeah, Have you ever been really nervous for a guest? Yeah, I have. Yeah, I definitely have been really nervous for a guest. Like a hero, is it like a hero get or just?

No, a lot of times with heroes, I just fan boy. Like with Keith Richards, I was nervous, cause like, oh my God, what am I gonna do? Yeah, yeah. It's Keith, you know. And you can hear it in my voice. I'm like, well, so, you're what happened? And then, but I always get nervous with everybody.

I'm more nervous when I'm concerned that someone doesn't talk than I am, like of course. Because that's part of the way what I like about doing is I really don't know. Like I'm always full of dread before I talk to anybody. I mean, I had to talk to Ellen Burstin yesterday and she's great. She's a great actress and you know,

she'd been in everything. And but she's 88 and it's going to be on Zoom and I'm like, well that's two things that could go terribly wrong, right? But but people have gotten really kind of proficient and she's got all, you know, she's really together and quick and memory was amazing. And it was great. So you never know, but I always have an active, a very high amount of dread and anxiety. Like David Hidalgo from Walsh, Wobos, I talked to him and I was terrified because the thing is,

is like, especially in a few musicians or anybody that's been around for a while. So I can, I love Walsh, I love them. I love those four records. All right, what about the other 90? Oh, Christ. So I gotta, you know, I got it. You start doing like, I do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I can't ever get, I got it. You start doing like, I do. But I can't ever get it through my head that it's not gonna make a difference. Yeah. You know, it's like, when years ago, I interviewed what's his name from, Tool, what's that guy's name? That leads singer, Tool, the guy.

He'll pull it up right here. Maynard, yeah, Maynard James Keenan from Tool. Now, Tool was a huge important thing to a lot of angry men when they were younger. I missed it. So I don't know anything about Tool, but they're like, you want to interview Maynard? I'm like, I don't know anything about Tool.

It's like, all right. Yes, so I always say all right. Right, and now you've got a crammed tool. I mean, like, I'm not 15. You know, I don't hate my parents in that particular way. I take it out differently. You know, how did you handle it? And I've been with women.

Yeah, so. But I don't know how to handle it, because I'm not coming out as a fan, but it's usually better. Because if I'm not a huge fan, the conversation becomes something that a fan wouldn't do. We ended up talking about when he seems to think that when he was working at a pet store that he had developed a way of placing the food on the shelves

that was probably revolutionary. We talked about parrots for 20 minutes. Now, no one's gonna get that main or didn't review. Not if they're super fans. Yeah, no. And the super fans are like, fuck man, I didn't know like, like they can't get on you about it.

Right. Even when I interviewed Springsteen, which was heavy, all those guys, they know everything about them. Yeah, fucker. They were like, whoa, okay. Because you weren't asking the typical, did you, you weren't a big Springsteen guy?

I like Springsteen, but again, like, you know, I didn't see 90 shows. I have a fund, I think I have initially an innate sort of lack of respect for most people. Do you know what I mean? It's just there. It's sort of like, what do you, what do you do? And it serves you. I do because one thing I've learned over time,

all these guys are people. And Bruce was, that Bruce moment, is like one of my favorite things that ever happened on the podcast, because that guy's got his public person. So, like, hey man, I'm just hanging out with the guys. We're down on the shore and it's like, come on. And I read some of this book and he's a dark motherfucker and he's hard on himself.

And I'm like, he's done the book and I'm like, I'm talking to that guy. I don't want to talk to like, I don't know man. Yeah. So I just remember, I'm waiting in his place. I'm at his place, I'm at the stable house where he keeps his guitars in his motorcycle. You know, and the big house is up there.

And me and my producer are just waiting there with our little setup, you know, around his shit. And then he comes walking down. And it's like December, late December. And like he sits down, he's bringing his book. He doesn't know me what to expect. So, and he just sits down and I go like, so is this pretty crazy out of the house with the Christmas stuff and the presents and everything's the wife and the kids

and he just looks at me and goes, correct. And I'm like, I'm in. I'm in. This guy's got a little snark to him. Correct. Yeah, I just never, I guess someone broke it, broke it down for me once. Like hit the church of Springsteen, like the obsession. I'm always like, yeah, I don't, I don't know. I never, I never got into it.

I obviously knew who he was and knew, like, hit songs, but I'm like, I don't know. And then I started to present the cult, like the people, you know? Sure. And I, and someone said to me, well, the thing is what you're doing is you're going, I guess I don't understand what they're, they're feeling about, like, I'm just going like, I just don't feel the thing what they're feeling about. I'm just going like, I just don't feel the thing that you're feeling when you see, because people have you seen this show? I think some are dirty.

Some of them. But then people go, you gotta watch this show. And they send me a link to a show. And I'm like, yeah, no dude, three hours long. Yeah, and the guys looking at each other, they're always like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, you know, jam back and forth. I go, yeah, the music is not speaking to me.

I'm not going like, oh my God. But to those people, there's just nothing that compares. Yeah, and I think a lot of it has to do with the live show and a lot of it has to do with New Jersey and the spirit of it all and the group thing. You know, I can listen to a few of those early records. Yeah, and I've listened to the, I just remembered like, and the pressure that was on that guy after those early records, you know? Yeah. And I've listened to the, I just remembered like,

and the pressure that was on that guy after 9-11, you know, remember when he's like, you know, Bruce will do it. Bruce will do it, yeah. Yeah, he's gonna fix it, you know. He's like, everyone's waiting for Bruce to come out with the song that's gonna make everything okay. God, yeah, right?

Yeah, that's a lot of pressure. Yeah, that's a lot of pressure. Come on, no, for the ruzz, and you're like, yeah, that's all right. Yeah. It didn't bring the towers back. Yeah. Got us over the hump for a couple of days. Yeah, it was pretty.

Oh, man. This was a lot of fun, Mark. Thank you for coming today, man. Oh, it's great. It's always good to see you, man. I guess I'll see you tonight, the store, huh? Yeah, I'll see you tonight, the store. You also, you have a podcast.

I do have a podcast WTF, and you can get on wherever you get podcasts. Me and Dean have a few of those dark fanzies up. Dark fanzies are going. I got some dates coming up in August. In August? Yeah, let's put it on. Yeah, put it on your August dates.

Oh, there you go. Oh, there you go. If you go to WTFPod.com-tour, we got August 5th at the Comedy Works in Denver, and then we're gonna do, that's a few days. I'm trying to work stuff out, Tom. We got August 5th at the comedy works in Denver, and then we're going to do uh, that's a few days. I'm trying to work stuff out, Tom. I got you. I'm not like you, you guys are like, I'll just do a theater tour and work the stuff out. Uh, it's okay if I do open Mike for 2000 people. Uh, I'll be a wise guys. Are you doing Santa Blive and Phoenix? For one night. Yeah,

yeah. I'm, I'm wary of Arizona. You tough for some reason, okay, that's, why is guys great? Yeah, helium and St. Louis, don't know why I'm going to Missouri, but I think, you know what I'm doing, this is like, I'm not gonna sell, I'm not gonna play theaters in St. Louis, not gonna have. So you just go, like, I'll just do the club there.

Well, yeah, because like, if you do, if you wanna put the work in, but you take a price as usually, well, I hired a knee, because I don't know, I guess people think that it's a special night. I don't know, I guess people think that it's a special night. I don't know. I don't know.

So, this is where Mark shits on the host. I know you're doing it up there, but people seem to enjoy it. You're like, a lot of dudes like you. How those shows working out, love man. I'm just doing what I'm doing, I don't know. It was his tag, love man. Yeah, it was. No man, I really got a weird amount of envy right now

to people that just write their bits because everything's got unfold for me on stage through process. So after the pandemic, I'm like, I got no process. I'm like, I'm like, it was fucking dark for me. So now I'm at blank slate and I'm doing the entire month of July at Dynasty Typewriter. I'm like, you know, blank slate. And I'm doing like the entire month of July at Dynasty typewriter. I'm just going to improvise to hours. Yeah. To see if I can

land on something before when you're doing that dynasty. July, all the Thursdays in July. Yeah. So this will be on. I am. I'm I've been in clubs now for months. I've been in clubs like trying to like work it out, work it out. Yeah, I've been doing clubs. I started doing clubs in October last year. So distanced. Yeah, cause that's always reduced capacity, but it was just to get on stage and start, and I was doing like, I was doing like six and eight show weekends,

cause I wanted to get as many reps as I could. That's good, man, cause I guess maybe I was just nervous, or I didn't feel like it or not. I wasn't up to that. I didn't do anything to the store open. I didn't do any of the outdoor shit. Am I gonna do it?

I did what I hated the outdoor stuff. If people asked me to do it, I'm like, I've been doing this, I finally got into the point where, in my career where I don't do, I don't have to do that. No, you don't. What am I gonna hurt myself?

I don't need it that bad. No, you don't have to do it. So now I'm like, I'm just trying to work this shit out. And I don't really know. I haven't planned a big tour. But what I was gonna say is like, in some of the markets where I'm not huge or I can't sell out of theater, maybe I can even,

but if you do five shows at a club with a door deal, you can do all right. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you know, it's silly that we get to make that kind of live it. Yeah, it's crazy. You get used to it, and then sometimes you just talk to somebody and it reminds you,

like this is an insane, like we're so fortunate. Oh, dude, do you remember when, you know, get like you know 600 to middle you'd be like holy shit I'm killing yeah I'm killing and then I'll be like well I did have to buy a $450 plane ticket But it's but it's worth it because I'm gonna headline when I go back Yeah, and then for some reason they're not having me back There's clubs that wouldn't have you back for like seven years. Dude, I'm like, a decade. A decade.

A decade, that guy. And then out of nowhere, he just added the Montreal comedy fest, and we just came up to me and started groveling. Yeah. I'm so sorry. I'm like, you ought to be. Yeah. This is one of the best clubs in the country, and because you're like,

you know, I tried to fuck one of your waitresses. I'm an asshole forever. And she finally died, so you're welcome back. tried to fuck one of your waitresses. I'm an asshole forever. And she finally died. So you're welcome back. All right. I'll go see Mark. Listen to this stuff. Thank you for having. Thanks for coming. Yeah. Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum, Tum,um Tum, Tum,um Tum,um Tum, Tum, Tum,um Tum, Tum,um Tum,um Tum,um Tum,um Tum, Tum Tum, Tum Tum,um Tum on.