2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 94 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

SPONSORS: - Get 25% off when you go to LIQUIDIV.com and use code BEARS at checkout - Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code BEARS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Go to vuori.com/bears to get 20% off your first purchase and enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75 - Go to BuyRaycon.com/bears to save 15% on Raycons - Go to HelloFresh.com/CAVE14 and use code CAVE14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping! - Find your Starbucks Tripleshot Energy online or at your local store - Go to MintMobile.com/bears to cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month Today on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom and Bert discuss comedians who pushed Bert, their weight loss challenge and the rise of The Machine story. Then, they go over old hook ups with girls, having a threesome with Adriana Chechik and call their wives to get approval. Afterwards, Tom and Bert talk about receiving texts from unwanted people and how to deal with that type of negative behavior.

I made a great joke. We were guys from female orgasm joke last night. On stage? Yeah, in front of my daughters. Whatever. I played at the room. Did they, uh, did they enjoy it? No. Did they bring it up afterwards? I was like, fuck it. What are you gonna do? You know? You guys, I'm... You want braces? This is how Daddy makes braces. 100%

So, um, first of all, you've healed great. It's like, it's the Mickey Managing. It really is. Can I tell you I was sitting there yesterday and I thought, if I do die in this surgery, these podcasts are going to be creepy. They're going to be super creepy. We should point out that yesterday you received this incredible prestigious honor, the Variety Achievement in

Comedy Award. Achievement in a innovative fucking guy thing. I'll tell you. You know what? But this is not a yearly thing. The last time they did it was like 15 years ago or something. They did it. The last person they got it was Chris Rock.

And it was, I'll tell you what it's called. I have it posted on my stories. They did it. The last person I got it was Chris Rock. And it was, it's, I'll tell you what it's called. I have it posted on my stories. Yeah. You got it. Yeah, got it. Creative impact in comedy. Creative impact. And then it was like for basically you, you, you almost,

you came up with, you spearheaded this whole, um, drive-in movie thing where like during the pandemic, you, I think a lise created created it and I just, oh, get it. Hahaha. By the way, by the way, you know, many people send that to me. Eliza was like, man, she's on Rogan.

And I love Eliza. I'm busting balls. And if she can bust balls, I can bust balls. I'm not trying to use my power dynamic as a male white privilege. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The, uh, she goes, my, by the way, it's when you make, when you create something, you're well aware you created it.

You know how you came up with the idea. You know how hard it was to create something, get it off the ground and all the people that, it's so funny. I don't know if you said it, but like, maybe we said it privately, but you know, they did a huge New York Times right article celebrating all the people that created the drive-in movie theater and I had already done that. Yeah, touring. And I had already done like 30 cities.

And a lot, all the people they celebrated all contacted me directly. All of them, fucking legit dudes. And women and women, obviously contacted me directly. Jim Gaffing called me up and he said, hey man, I want to do this drive-in thing, tell me about it. Brian Regan, hey man, both of them is this yours or are you cool if I do it?

That's the way. And I was like, yeah, 100%. And I didn't come up with it to, I didn't come up with it to make it my own. I wanted to keep doing stand up. I just wanted to keep doing stand up. And I just put out a special and I was like, yeah, I'm, I just been worrying.

That article doesn't mention you. It mentions everybody but you. Everybody but me. But you know what, I have a cool, there's a weird thing I like about what we do me and you talked about this a long time ago It's about fly under the radar like just don't don't fucking be the guy that needs to get all the rewards Right and then and don't be the guy talking too much just but we do these with this for fans But like fly under the radar so when that New York Times article came out

I was like all the matters is the people that know all everyone in that article knows that I came up with the idea. Yeah. And it's not like it's like a fucking... But then this is a real confirmation that you came up with the idea and that you changed it. And you also did it with an America first agenda, which is a pretty cool thing.

That you were like, these shows are for people born here raised here. I was like, I want vaccination cards. Yep. I want. I need proof of citizenship. Yep. And I want to know that you've been here for multiple generations. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And that dude, that's fucking cool. Dude, you know, you know what's so funny is, uh, is it, uh, it is because of that, you

know, because a lot of the stuff that, you know, because a lot of the stuff I did, is that an necessity? I talked about you on stage last night. Really? Yeah. I really wish I could have been there. I wish you had good.

A lot of people were asking about you. Well, this is gonna be in podcast for like two months, even though it's coming off Friday. It's so annoying. But I could, I could, it was on Friday. Mine goes on Thursday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It comes off Friday. It's so annoying. But I could, I could, I could, I could go on Friday, my nose on Thursday. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It comes off Friday. Everyone's asking about you. I told the story. I was, I said, I'll, I'll reiterate it because no one's going to hear it, but Nindava's there. And Nindava, if I, if I go off book as I often do and, and steer away from what we call facts on this podcast,

bring me back when I said the, the secret to my success is surrounding myself by more talented forward thinking comics. And I credit at you, Burr and Rogan with a three, just off the top of my head that I credit because Rogan and Burr pulled me aside and said, your TV show sucks.

It's unwatchable, you're a better comic and you should do podcasts. And then I talked, I I talked about this so much My favorite moment I've had with you in my life was I know where I was I don't know where you were but when we talked about doing oddball and you were like and I told him on stage last night I said This is by the way if you're lucky enough to get friendship like this fucking hold on to it Don't fuck it up.

We were sitting there and I said, yeah man, all my 10 dates got pulled. And you're like, god damn it. And I was like, I know, we were gonna hang out. Joey was on it. He's gonna be so much fun. Eliza was on, I think she created a ball. And so.

She. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, can I tell you fucking one thing, Eliza, this is for you. If you're watching, Eliza watched me do the watermelon and mustard challenge on Rogan and the next day goes, so I hear a lot of people are doing this bus, I go, you just watch me doing!

So, so by the level, I'm busing fucking balls, she got a great movie on Netflix called, uh, to good on paper, check it out. Yeah. She Eliza's an amazing fucking actress, a great comic, I'm just busing balls, but I said, to good on paper, check it out. She allies this amazing fucking actress, a great comic, I'm just busting balls. But I said, you go, man, that's fucking sucks. I go, I know, and you go, and that's a lot of money you're missing out on. And I was like, well, it's not that much. You go, what do you mean?

I go, it's too grand. And you go, huh? I go, it's too grand, you're right, too grand. And I got a paper flight 10 hotels, and you went, excuse me. And I go, do you remember this? And I go with your grand, you're right, two grand, and I got a pay for flights and hotels, and you went, excuse me. And I go, do you remember this? And I go, wait, is that one of you getting paid? And you go, I don't know, whatever.

Like, wait, what are you getting paid? And you go, I don't want to tell you. Like, why not? I'm afraid we won't be friends anymore. His number was so drastically different than mine that he was using that number to buy a house. And I was like, and then you were like, hey listen, listen,

don't worry about it. And you exclusively, I mean, Rogan and Burr, by all stretches of means, were instrumental in this period of my life. But I remember getting on the 405 You said we're gonna get your podcast ad sales. You're gonna add through podcasts You got to get over X-Menus downloads will get you there

Rogan and Burr both helped out put me on their podcast come and do a my podcast and and I talked about that on stage last night And it was like and I really credited it to being around more successful, more talented, more forward thinking comics. That is the reason that I can stay in my lane and then come up with bizarre ideas like the concept work show or do these stupid promos that help sell tickets. I'm like, you're the best at it. You're the best at it, man. But I think it was a very cool award to accept.

I cried at the end because I talked about the girls. I saw really cool pictures. I really do wish I could have been there. It was, I wish I could have celebrated with you, man. Yeah, I know all our future were there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I got one thing on my mind. Yeah. I got one. I got two things on my mind. Surgery. By the way, I got my talk to my mind. By the way, I got my talk to my, my, my. By the way, did you ask about

when you should stop taking meds? You think so? You think you did? Have you stopped taking blood pressure medicine? And they, they okayed that? It's not a little list. Okay, okay. Man, I think, I don't think they want my blood pressure

through the roof as I go in there. No, I don't think they do either. I'm just saying you've asked. I asked about blood pressure, I don't think they want my blood pressure through the roof as I go in there. No, I don't think they do either. I'm just saying you've asked. I asked about blood pressure, I think, and then I definitely stop taking baby aspirin. Good. A week out, I stopped taking baby aspirin. That's when you're supposed to.

Yeah. And then no food or drink for 12 hours? 12 hours, yeah. No water. But what? Do you know what that reminds me of? What? Wands?

The wayans? Yeah. The wayans, that's all it reminds me of? What? Wayans? The Wayans? Yeah. The Wayans, that's all it reminds me of. Do you know how I think close I was to maybe being hospitalized? Yeah. You did it the dumbest fucking way you put like spirit oil all over yourself?

Yeah, fighter hit me up and was like, this is how you do a real water cut. He's like rub all this shit on yourself and get in hot water, then get in a steamer sauna, and then just like don't drink water. But I did it for two days. Like it was dramatic. I accused in my mouth on a treadmill and spitting the water out and being so miserable. So do you remember fucking mid-end? So we wait in for two days, on day two. If you ever, if you wanna go and look it up

when we actually wait in the second day, we start doing a podcast. I casually drink a gallon of fluid. Oh, a gallon. Like just like bottle after bottle after bottle because I haven't had water in like two day. And I'm sweating. The first fluid out of the cup was coconut water.

Yeah. It was so good. And then we murdered pizza. Pizza. Just fucked it up. That was the, you know, we talked about this last night in that other word ceremony,

but that was the week that changed my life. That week? That week changed my life. And this is in that article. If you wanna read the article, I'm sure it's on my Instagram somewhere, but I just go to variety. But that was, I had to deal it NBC at that time

to do a pilot and I ignored all of their emails, all of their notes, because we were so obsessed with that weight loss. I was so obsessed with that weight loss. Judy, my manager called Leanne and was like, you need to get per tree described. She's like, oh, you lost him. She's like him and Tom are in this weight loss thing.

That's where his head is. And it was like, and it's the best direction any comic can ever take is do what you find fun, do what you find funny. And fuck everyone else because we went in, we did the first day weight loss challenge and I said to you, I go, I think my machine story is going viral.

Mind you, we are on the biggest podcast in the world. Two days in a row, getting naked and doing weight loss check like and weighing in and the machines going viral That was like that that was like the the all the stars aligned weak for me. Yeah I also remember that I didn't understand That the machine story had gone viral. Oh really? Well was when you started it you're like You're like I sold out this club and I go, oh, what do you attribute it to? And you go, the machine story, and I was like, okay, dummy, what's really happening?

And you're like, no, it's the machine story. I'm like, what do you mean? And you go, well, it's been clipped and posted, and it has millions of views. And I was like, really? And you're like, yeah, and I go, okay. And I didn't look, and then one day, you're like, you call me, you're like, oh, I sold out this club again,

and we added a show. And I'm like, from what though, and you go to the machine story. And I'm like, that can't be right. And so, and then I looked on, I think Facebook, and it had like 80 million views. And I was like, oh, maybe he's right. Dude, that, that, I remember going to,

I remember going to being oblivious, going to Vinnie Brands club in Jersey, right? Comedy, I forgot what it's stress factory. Stress factory, and there's a blizzard. And I walked in, I didn't even pay attention. Every room that I performed in was comped. So like, and at that time I was doing good ticket sales, but like, you know, paper half the room, paper half,

I get a bonus. And I walked in and I was like, and Jim Florentine was there and he's like, like, you know, paper half the room, paper half, I get a bonus. And I walked in and I was like, and Jim Florento was there and he's like, dude, you have fucking killed it this weekend. And I was like, oh yeah, yeah, that's great. And I did the whole, and then at one time, everyone was cheering at one point of my jokes. And I was like, what are you guys?

The fuck's wrong with you guys? I go, why are you here? Some guy goes, the machine. And I was like, oh yeah, I said, I don't tell it anymore. He goes, the fuck you don't. And I was like, wait, what? No, like, dude, we're all here for the machine. And I was like, oh yeah, I said, I don't tell it anymore. He goes, the fuck you don't! And I was like, wait, what? And I was like, dude, we're all here for the machine.

And I was like, wait, you guys heard the machine story? I go, where? And they're like on Facebook. And I was like, you guys are all here for the machine. And they went nuts. And I was like, I'm not retiring the story. I had just vowed I will never tell it again. I put it on Facebook. I'll never tell it again.

That was like six years ago. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha For me, a club manager, Lee. He doesn't work there anymore. I know Lee. Cleveland improv. I know Lee. He was such a sour, you know, just upset dude. And I would always give him shit. And his staff was like, what are you doing? I was like, I mean, what do you mean to do?

Like this is my personality. Because I'd be like, what's up, fuckhead. And they were like, they're like, you talk to him like that. Because he'd be like, fuck you back. Yeah. And I just had so much fun with that guy. And then Lee was a, my one impression of Lee is because he worked at Cleveland Improv

at the Brick House, whatever it's called. Yeah. And it was a predominantly black club. Yeah, it was. And he only booked black people in front of me. And I remember walking in and there was this dude, he sold five DVDs, six CDs, sold nine T-shirts, and he murdered.

And I'm walking the door, and Lisa was on his cross, he's dying laughing, and he goes, ah, it's gonna be a long weekend for you. Yeah, he was great. I remember he had like, I don't know, triple bypass surgery, and he's like, yeah, I had triple bypass, and I go, it's too bad it worked out.

I just walked by him. One weekend, it was the, so my first special came out in March of 2014, and in June, I worked his club. And at the end of the week, he goes, he looks at the papers and he goes, I don't know what the fuck happened, but you have bonuses.

And I go, I go, what do you mean? He goes, I don't know why people are buying tickets to see you, but they bought tickets. And I go, really? Because I didn't know anything was working. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, he goes, this doesn't make any sense.

Like he was such a heck about it. I don't get it. I don't get it. He was like, I really don't get it. And I was like, all right. And then when I switched, eventually to do the other club, similarities. Hilarities.

He's like, why are you doing hilarious? I go, and they differ. I go because it's, he goes, why are you doing hilarious? I go, because it's so much better than your club. His club was so, by the way, it was right across street from that place, Christie's, the one of the best strip clubs in the fucking world. Oh, the improv.

Yeah, the improv. Yeah, yeah. It was right across the street from Christie's. I went, I went and got to lap dance of Christie's one time and had to stop the girl. I go, I think you're trying to fuck me. She was like, why else? Why else?

What am I doing? Yeah. I worked there one, I worked the improv one time. The week after a girl died at Christie's. From falling on falling. Yeah. How did I know that? Because it was probably talked about a lot

and I did jokes about it. I was like, she died doing what she loved. It's okay. I have a picture, I saw a picture that you may remember is I hit, well, I remember one time hitting bonuses at Cleveland And I didn't know how my bonus structure was set up and stoop goes city want that in cash or a check And I was like I was just taking cash. I was like whatever

Fucking 500 bucks, and it was I think it was $2,000 or something or maybe four thousand dollars and it was and he gave it to me in 20s and I and you and Christina came over for dinner that night and you guys walked in and I was making it rain on the girls. And I was just, and they're covered in ones like this. And then there's a picture in Georgia and Ila just holding out money. That was like, that's how fucking, that's how scarce money was when we first met was, if you made money, you took pictures with it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, like. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh, God, man, I remember someone, I remember right when that machine throwing a bottle,

someone told me, Hey, man, I'll change your deal, but you need to know you're a flash in the pan. Oh, nice. Yeah. I think I know you're talking about it. Yeah, you do. I definitely told you about it.

By the way, like this, and this is not gonna, this is not gonna continue. This is won't continue. I will last past about. Yeah, you do. I definitely told you about it. Yeah. By the way, and this is not going to, this is not going to continue. This is won't continue. I will last past June. Yeah. It's a flash in the pan. We're never going to hear from you again. And I was like, cool. Just changed my deal. Change my deal. I'm a flash in the pan. I know me. I had a conversation with that person too, where they were, he was upset that I was like, I'm not going to come back to your place. I remember when, I'm not gonna come back to your place.

I remember when you told me not to come back to his place. Yeah. I remember when you had your guy call me and tell me not to come back to his place. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I got more comfortable with going under because my trainer Lacey said She was what are you doing after this? I was at Dunwerking out after we did two bears last week or whatever Mm-hmm, and I go I'm gonna take an app. She was how long I said I'm hopefully like an hour I love taking our nap. She's like that's all going under is you taking an hour nap It's a hour calculated nap It's the best. Everyone says it's the best everyone says except for my

Cont wife the best. Everyone says it's the best. Everyone says except for my cont-wife. Cont-wife. Wait, why? What did she say? Everyone, she got drunk last night. She got fucking drunk and you can hear it in her Instagram stories. You can hear her just fucking. Oh, I don't go, you gonna cry. She said, I say, well, everyone's, just like you said, it's great, it's great, it's great, and then it goes,

until you come out and you throw up and cryin' and just scared, don't know what happened, and I was like, what the fuck? And everyone's, I'm like, look at her, you're not makin' this better, and she goes, and then I go, I don't think I'll cry, and she goes, oh, that's right, you don't cry at her, you're not making this better. And she goes, and then I go, I don't think I'll cry. And she goes, oh, that's right. You don't cry at all.

You don't cry at all. We'll be seeing you crying. I was like, it's the most aggressive. Like, almost like she was like, shit, it's like, Liang has this pent-up shit. And then all of a sudden, she gets drunk, and it pours out like a hate crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, I was like, hey, I'm sober, I'm not drinking, so I'm getting ready for surgery and I'm a little freaked out already and everyone's like, gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine. It's like, no, he's gonna be crying. You make it sound like she is like

from the back, like off of a fucking... Cheers. Cheers. But this impression is like she crawled out of a swamp. But you think, hey, he's gonna be crannn, you gon' be all throwing up. I almost said the most mean thing.

I almost said the most mean thing. I'm gonna say, and I want you to bleep the whole thing out. Okay. Okay. But I'm gonna say it to you. Yeah, say it. Yeah, yeah. She is a ****. Do you think ****?

No. Where, where would they have found one? What the f***? Like what the f***? I'm certain of it. Bleep out all the other stuff, but you know, then they'll figure it out. Okay. Fucking, she fucking makes me so angry. So did you tell her today, like this morning where you like that didn't appreciate that? No, I got a hand job Okay She was a savage about it. She was yeah, I was like hey last or guys I'm saying. No, I'm not gonna want one or two more of someone be fucking in my head. Yeah, I was like last or guys before I maybe die

Mm-hmm. She was like okay handy handy good one really. Good one. Really good. Nice. Really, she's gotten so good at it. Like, I feel like she's been doing it to other dudes. Like, which I'd be cool with. Have you just practiced? Yeah. My favorite moment with the am one time, she was like, what if there was like a,

what if there was like a, because there was this doctor, Dr. Squirtz, who is a massage therapist, and he just makes some Squirt. That doesn't sound like a massage therapist. Yeah, you know, obviously he makes some, like he's Dr. Squirtz, he goes in and- What's like a porno?

No, no, it's a massage therapist. And at the end, he goes in to the chick and then- Waka, waka, waka, waka, waka, waka, waka. Where do you see the video? No, it's not a video, it's a guy in Beverly Hills. Just dude. How do you know about this? All the moms at our kid's school go to her.

Go to him. And he fingers them. Finger bangs them and makes them have the most insane orgasm to the life. And apparently they all squirt the call them doctor squirts. Okay? Okay.

And she is talking to a group of moms and they're like, is that cheating? And I went, yeah, it's definitely fucking cheating. She was like, I go, how would you feel if I got a hand job from a fucking massage therapist? She goes, but what if it was like, what if this woman was the best at hand jobs in the world? And I go, first of all, it won't be a woman.

Like, how's she, she's not gonna put the 10 hours, 10,000 hours I put into hand jobs. So I've been jerking myself off since I was, she would have had to start it at a very young age, which is illegal. She would have just started 10, right? Right. I started at 10 years old.

You're gonna fucking out game me? Like, there's, it would be a gay guy and he would blow your mind. I'm sure, I'm sure, you wanna, I'm sure we can find one. You wanna go? Is that cheating? A gay guy?

Yeah. No, if she's questioning if Dr. Squirtz is, what if, so wait, did you, did she say, did she, did she, did she, how about this, how about this? Gay guy does the, I'm gonna stop at this, I'm gonna stop at this. Gay guy does the, does the rod. Okay. Chick puts tits in your face.

Great. I actually would, I actually would do that. Yeah. Yeah. Like gay, like almost like, like, let's go after this if I can record. What? Let's just go when we're done.

I would love that. Like a gay guy, almost like, almost like a puppeteer. Like he's underneath the table with his hand up there. Like a puppeteer. Like a puppeteer, you know how puppeteers are like, Elmo's like, hey, yeah, yeah. And see you. So you would go for that.

Would you let her go to Dr. Squirtz? No. Why? Because I want to be the one to give her orgasms. Okay. I made a great joke with orgasm, female orgasm, joke last night. On stage? Yeah.

In front of my daughters. Whatever. I played at the room. Did they, did they enjoy it? No. Did they bring it up afterwards? Yeah. With like your growth?

You made us uncomfortable a couple times. I was like, fuck it. And what are you going to do? You know, you guys, You guys, you want braces? This is how Daddy makes braces. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha because she was like, oh yeah, yeah, I guess that is cheating. I guess that is cheating. And I was like, yeah, it's definitely fucking cheating. And all your friends that are going to doctor squirts, they're cheating also. So he gives them a legit massage. Gives them a legit, like yeah, he does the shit women want.

Like he doesn't just play with their tits and pussy. Like every time I give a massage, I'm like, back, back, dits, dits, pussy, pussy, ass ass ass. Like he does like their shoulders and their neck and their calves and their feet and their hands and all the erogenous zones that I blow past as if it's like a fucking, as if it's like a health food store on my way

to a McDonald's. And then at the end when they're common relaxed, he goes in probably gently, I'm guessing. And then does that? Have you ever seen the video of that guy in the YAVEDA in an all green room that makes a girl squirt? And it's the most, I've never seen a man control a woman more in my life.

Have you ever seen this? No, can we get this out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to Pornhub, squirt tutorial, I'm guessing. God, porn never lets down. I know. I don't watch it in a while. Squirt tutorial. There's a bunch of it. Squirt scroll, don't watch it in a while. Squirt tutorial.

There's a lot of stuff. Squirt scroll. It's a, it's a, it's a guy in a wire bed, huh? Oh, in a wire bed, okay. It's a guy in a wire bed, and he's in a green room, and he's like, I use grape seed oil. Okay. Type in grape, uh,

we'll get that load. God, I know. That looks like a fucking civil rights fire hose. No. The guy is amazing. Tom, the guy goes in almost like a DJ. Like he goes, no, it is a green room with like a, with like a fatched backdrop.

And he's in a Y-Veta, like a red Y-Veta type in just squirt. How to make a woman squirt? Okay. Are you sure you saw it here? I'm definitely, yeah. Okay. Okay, scroll fast. I can see, I'll tell you what it looks like.

No, it's not here. It's, the guy is typing in just a wonder if is he typing in Google or something? Yeah, the guy is good. And what he does is he like goes and he goes, all right, and he's like got Grape seed oil in his hands. And he's like got great seat all in his hands and he's like okay. Here's what we do all right number one You're gonna go in and he does this really aggressive like walka walka walka walka walka walka And then he walks away from her and the girls vibrating

S like God God and he's like and take your time with it really take your time with it and then you want to come back in Go go go go go go go go and then he walks away uh keep scrolling it's like a green room grape seed oil there he is there he is this is the guy I think so okay this is the guy and This is the guy. I think so. Okay, this is the guy.

This is the wrong tutorial. This is the guy though. This is the wrong, just scroll forward and see if he does it. But yeah, but he's having a cocktail. Look, he's rubbing his hands. Yep. Can we hear this? Sure.

So of weeds or even months massaging out all the pressure points. Okay, scroll forward to the point where he's got yeah this is definitely the one. Okay watch him he like gets the girl going so quickly and then all of a sudden he kind of like backs her off and you can see her like crawling on her feet like a like a like a like a like a apparition to him. Okay. It's a good idea to hold their pubic bone like this. It's so technical. Yeah. But man, watch this guy. What you're about to see is going to seem a little bit rough. It's going to seem like I'm being too rough with it. I think this might be doctor squirts He's like basically you beat the pussy up

She'll tell me or she'll tell you so Seems rough to you guys it's not okay, so you're going with the two fingers like that. Okay, I think you start going up and down like that. Okay. And then you start going up and down like this. Up and down. Up and down. Look at her. Yeah.

She's also watching. Watch watching. Yeah, but no, no, she's not watching. This is not performance watch. So he's in there. Look at her. Yeah, she's winking at the camera. Okay.

Look at this. I mean, what's that been like 30 seconds? I could do this. If you could teach me this fucking, how to get your keys out of a fucking purse, yeah, technique. Look at her. Look at her. She's trying to come.

Huh. That's not acting. Okay, my dick's hard, by the way. Is it good? I can't help it. Look at this. How many, what's the time limit on this? How long has he been doing this?

He's only been doing this. Oh boy. Yeah. 45 seconds. That's not cheating. 45 seconds is in cheating. So you could, you, you're okay with doing this. By the way, if, if I gotta be honest with you,

if I could, I would love to see Leanne fucking heel crawl to the end of the bed Good girl. That's where he gets creepy. That's a little creepy Now she's acting That's a fricking fucking show. She's putting a show. Well, let's give her an Emmy because I am enjoying her work. Yeah. Right now she just farts and shits something back. Okay, look at her face. Yeah.

Bring your face up. Is she hot? She's happy. She's happy. We call that happy. Happy. We call that happy. Yeah, do we? I'm gonna put some more oil on because the oil is leaving.

It's a cool video to be a part of it. I'm gonna put it back. Yeah, it's really nice. Hey, do you think, okay, hit pause. Do you think me and you should do videos like this, but with a woman expert, all right? Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna start with the real great so it all and it's best to hold his throat like this as you do this Would you let someone do that to your asshole? Probably

Probably if like I got if like if you got here's the thing there's a point if you get me to And I only say this because of my youth, is like, do you ever get when you were a kid, do you ever just get so horny, you're like, oh, fuck it, I'll fuck the dog, you know? Like, maybe I shouldn't use dog, dog is a bad example. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, yeah, I know just that. Like you're just like, fuck it, I'll fuck a watermelon, I'll fuck a fucking cheeseburger, whatever the fuck's around. Like, I think if I've gotten to that place, I've gotten that place where you're like, where you, if a girl suggested anything, I'd be like, yeah, let's do it, let's do it, whatever.

Of course. And that's an interesting place is when you get to a fevered pitch, I was thinking about to say the day I hooked up with a chick in Hollywood, right? I thought you were gonna be like, I just hooked up with a chick the other day. No. I hooked up with a chick in Hollywood right now. I thought you were gonna be like, I just think of the chick the other day. No. I hooked up with the chick in Hollywood one time.

I had known her, I've known her all through high school, went to high school with her. She went to another high school, but. Oh, I didn't realize she's were cold. Yeah, there are a carlet cold, and I'm gonna sample it. It's only 25 calories. Okay, that is not what I expected.

That is fucking awesome. 225 milligrams caffeine. That'll get you going. I can't have any caffeine tomorrow. Maybe not even today. I might try both of these. Okay, is that wasteful? No.

Are these sponsors on the next podcast? So, by the way, I'll tell you what, here's my question, 25 calories. 25 calories versus 225 calories. When you're not drinking alcohol, 225 calories is like just a beer. You're like, okay, it's like having a beer in the middle of the day. I would love to have a beer in the middle of the day,

but I don't have a beer in the middle of the day. That's what I never would have. I would have four. Why would you have four? Why would you have one? I'd have four. You just have four, catch a buzz, and then go to take a nap.

Okay. Wow. Good. Yeah, let's taste vanilla. Okay. Hey, maybe we should be doing cups with this. Maybe. So try it. Sure. Okay.

Well, the smell's coming out of it. You should get COVID test yesterday, right? Yeah. Okay. Haven't gotten the results yet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This smoke is better. Mocha? Yeah, the smoke is really good. You want to try it? Sure. Mocha is really fucking good. To going under. To going under. An hour nap.

It's all it is. Mm-hmm. Okay, I like this one. Yeah, the 25 calories you feel like you're not cheating. So I hooked up with the girl. I hooked up with the girl in, right when I moved to Hollywood, I'd known her in high school, she went to different high school.

She think you're ass? No, but she could have done anything to me. I remember she got me so horny and we didn't have sex, but we were just like hooking up messing around that and she was like playing with my dick, but not jerking me off. I, she could have done anything to me. And I, because I remember I was,

this is gonna sound like a lie. I was vibrating. Like my hands were shaking. I was so horny. Yeah. And I, and then she just went to bed. And I was like, cool. So you went, oh, and you were like all fired up?

I was like, I guess I was gonna, no, I just kind of started drinking. I was like, fucking four in the morning and I was like, I'm not. I think I went to a bathroom in jerked off. I was like, you gotta get rid of this demon. Yeah. And then I just stayed up drinking and then she lived right by, uh, by the way, if this woman's listening, I can't, she'd know exactly who she is.

She lived right by, I'm trying to throw the sun came up. Yeah. And then I walked around Hollywood and went over to another friend's house. And you jerk off there too? Nature's a part of my yard. I'm like, ah, these are my plants.

Yeah. Yeah. I remember a girl got me all worked up. And then I didn't know her. By the way, they don't know what they're doing. Well, they don't know that they're doing that. They don't know that they have turned you into an animal in your head, and then they're like,

I'm just gonna go to bed. This was fucked up. This was at someone's apartment, and we're on the couch. The guy sitting over here, he's with a girl, and in this girl sitting on the couch with me, and she's like rubbing her legs on me, like, I'm all worked up.

We're watching a movie. Movie ends, and I's like rubbing her legs on me, like I'm all worked up. We're watching a movie. Movie ends and I'm like, I mean, I'm like all fucking ready to go. Door opens and she's like, hey, it's her boyfriend. It showed up and I was like, so I go in the bathroom to jerk off because I'm ready to explode.

And I shoot just all over the place. Like, haaah! Like, ropes all over the bathroom. I thought it was aiming for the toilet, but it was just too backed up. And I didn't clean it up. He's left it.

In ninth grade I had, I was, I went to a girl's house. I went to a girl's house, and she was, she was laying on my lap and she was playing with my dick, but I don't think she realized she was playing with my dick. Why? It was sticking through my, like above my belt. And she was, she had her head on my lap and watching a movie, her parents were in the next room.

And she's just, like,, think she's like playing with, so I don't know what she thought she was playing with. She thought she was playing with your dick, dude. I don't know, but I fucking blew a load all of my shirt. And I went, and I made the unwise decision of telling everyone at school the next day that I blew a load into my shirt. All boys at Capacock High School.

And they were like, shut the fuck up. That girl looks like now. Oh, let's pull her up. I'm gonna call her number name. I bet I can find her. I bet I can find her. I bet I can find her. Tell her the number name. What if that girl looks like now? Oh, let's pull her up. I'm gonna call her name. I bet I can find her. I bet I can find her. I bet I can find her. Tell her to have her name.

I gotta go through, I gotta go, I gotta do the six degrees of, how to find her. Fuck. I miss those days. I miss those days. You don't think, of course you miss those days. You don't think she, she was playing with you days. You know, she was playing with you there.

No, she did not. What do you want me to be playing with? I don't know, idea. She wasn't doing it like, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. She was like, put her hand back there and we'd hold hands and then all of a sudden her hand would, she was like playing with my belt, like almost like grabbing my belt.

Yeah, dude. And my dick was in there. I remember one time, I, I mean, I've had times where it's, you get so loaded that all of a sudden all they do is touch it and it's like, ah, and you're like, oh, there's nothing I can do about that. I don't have any problems with premature ejaculation. Well, you just said you do.

No, no, I don't have a problem having it. I don't know about having it. Oh, okay. I definitely have it. I asked Rocco a surerady about it one time. Wait, hold, start this story over. When did you meet Rocco's Seperady? At a show, like more than 10 years ago.

Was this one of those porn shows that we used to do? No, not at all. It was with Russell Peters. And Russell had befriended him for some reason, I don't know. And so- By the way, two opposite personalities. Yeah. Russell's such a slow kind person.

I can't imagine Russell throat fucking anyone. Like I just, Russell? Maybe. No, I don't know, I don't know what he does, but I was talking to Rocco and he was like, you're very smart, very funny. And I go, thanks man. And then I go, hey, so can I,

I started asking questions. I was like, you know, it's gotten so aggressive. Like your stuff's so aggressive. He's like, he's like, this is what they want. And I go, what do you mean? He's like, today, I shoot the scene with a girl and she blow me until she vomit. And I was like, okay.

And he was like, this is what she wants. So do we, do you think Rimmon really want that? I think maybe when they're shooting, how about this? Do you think that's what men want to see and he's making it for men? 100%. Okay. Yes, because they're always upping the Annie, right?

But then I asked him, I go, how come you know, you never like bust, you know, a nut ever too early. He's like, work for 30 days and you would have complete control. And I was like, you're telling me to work as a porn actor for 30 days? And he was like, yes. Like that was his advice. What do you think? Yeah, 30 days shoot content every day and then you'll have complete control.

I can't imagine. I can't imagine how excited I'd be to go to work. If it was every day was just fucking a new person. Yeah. Like I would be, I mean, I bet you could, you'd get at a certain point that you'd be like, mm, you know what I mean? No.

No, but it's new, right? I definitely would get to work and be like, oh, yeah. I know I get to work and go, oh. But if you're a guy, I think you produce all your own stuff. I don't think there's a lot of stunt cocks out there. So you're making your own stuff, think you produce all your own stuff. I don't think there's a lot of stunt cocks out there. So you're making your own stuff, so you're picking your own chicks.

Could you pick 30 chicks you wanted to fuck? Could I? I think I could. I think we could work that out. Okay, who would be the first one? You go, all right, I'm making my first, let's work your first week. Your first week. You gotta pick five, because's work your first week, your first week.

You gotta pick five, because you're gonna take the weekend off. Okay. So you're gonna do five checks, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then tell me why you picked those days. Okay, but are we talking like famous people? We're talking porn?

I don't know, like everyone. Do you mean the top? Yeah. 20 top porn actress. There we go. Of all time. Oh, I like this, I like this. Okay.

Okay, there's one and two right there. I don't know if I'd have two girls suck my dick at once. I feel like it's a lot of busy work. Okay. It's almost like, it's almost like driving in 1950s, compar like, it looks nice, but it's a lot of work. Okay.

Caden Cross. Okay, I'm gonna work my day, I'm gonna pick, I'm gonna pick, go to number one first, start at number one. These, Tory Black, Tory Black, is, I've met her in person. Yeah. And then August, I'm'm oh. She's dead. Okay, well, then take her off the list. Can we go to a different list? Okay. These are all brand. Okay, I can tell you just off my list of people that like Adriana Chechik is going to be on there. Yeah, you know, she's reached out, right? What? She's reached out. To us?

Mm-hmm, for what? Nadav? Yeah, to, uh... Can you pull up that clip? Well, clip. You don't know about this? Uh-uh. Oh, yeah, you've been a...

You've been a broad. Oh, okay. Wait, tell me about Adrianna Chachik. Yeah. And she also said that you have not responded. I haven't even know what you're talking about. Okay, because I was a, she made a pretty cool offer to us. Wait, hold on.

This is a bit. It's not a bit. Pull it up, Nadov. Okay. Did you see your appeared on YMH podcast? Doomers! Yes! Did you see you appeared on YMH Podcast? DOOMERS! Yes! Between him and Bert Tom Sagura and Bert Chrysler, I'm just wondering if they want to get

a DP going or if they want to hit me up for any double action. If both of those two men want to put their podcast where their dick is, then find me and they know where I am because I've tried to try to reach out to birth a few times and Nothing ever followed through. Hey bitch step the fuck up We're supposed to be D.P. in this chick man Dude if we do it for the podcast? We can get a live show.

We'll sell a lot of tickets. How about this? How about this? Are you ready for this? Okay. We're going to call our wives. Here's our pitch. Here's our pitch. Go ahead.

We put strap-ons on and have sex with her with the strap-ons on. So we don't really have sex with her. Celia and we'll sign off on it. Okay. Me and you both put on strap-ons. Right. And we have sex with her together. And at the end, she leaves and we drag off on it. Okay. Me and you both put on strap-ons. Right. And we have sex with her together. And at the end, she leaves and we jerk off on each other.

I was gonna jerk off during. But yeah, yeah, yeah. I was gonna put my strap-on back where it's just jer- Like a tail. Uh-huh. Let's see if we can hold it. Wait, when did that, did she have a podcast? I think that's on one of those like live stream things.

Yeah, she streams on Twitch. Put your podcast where your dick is, Bert. I put my podcast. I have three podcasts. I'll put three dicks where my, you know what I mean. Hey, Nendob, get the other thing ready. What's the other thing? He, uh, Kale hooked us up. Hey, babe. Hey, no, I'll get the other thing ready. What's the other thing? Kale hooked us up. Hey babe. Hey, what are you busy?

I um, no. Okay, soft pitch. Just want to hear you out. You're on the podcast. Okay, Tom and I have an offer to DP double 10 penetrate a porn star. Now we're not, hold on. We're not going to do with our real dicks but we'd like to do it with strap-ons wearing underwear strap-ons wearing underwear have sex with a porn star for a live show. Would you let us do that? No. We'll hold on. Hear me out. There's a lot of money involved. I don't give a shit. No. Okay. Would you wear a strap-on? No. Can we be on the room while people pretend to be us? I think that's gross. Okay. I love you.

That's not a no. Love you too. Gosh, you're such a bummer, man. Oh, shit. See what push says. Okay. Let's see what push says. Okay. Let's see what she says. How awesome.

I know when I'll be thinking of when I go under tomorrow. Me and you high-fiving. Yeah. Pretty cool. Spit style. BEEP. BEEP. Fuck. She doesn't answer it's a yes. We're doing it. What's the other clip?

He talked to Kale and said, is there anything you can send us just clip wise from the machine? No. Yes. Are you sure? He said he would send them something. I don't know, I haven't seen it. Oh. I win! I win!

I win! I win! What is that? Aimee! Aimee! What is that? Oh! Oh! By the way, I'll never, I'll never shape a mustache for that fucking reason.

For that fucking reason. What is he doing? Playing again! Aimee! Dude! This is fucking great acting! Aimee! Aimee!

What is that? This is fucking great acting! I win! I win! I win! What is that? No, no! What is that? Ah! I can't wait to see the movie! What?

By the way, it's not gonna be that far off. You're crying! What is- I don't even know what that is, is that like a... It's a face swap, right? I don't- It's from the other day. What is it for- Oh, everyone I left the room?

So you did the ads alone. You're lying. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't know who posted it actually. Good God. There's not far off from what I look like in the movie. I'm not gonna lie to you. I look exactly like I look like right now. You look good. A little camera, it looks pretty aggressive. Really?

Do you eat on camera in the movie? No. Oh, do you drink? No? No drinking? Oh, yeah, there has to be. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, fuck. That's what we'll do at the end of the movie.

We're doing these things. You do these things to like, you can have, I mean, it's the right of its reaction figures. But, you know, legendaries like a big. It's for action figures and but you know Legendaries like a big that's what they do is comic book stuff so they do it anyway So standing this thing and they spinning around and so I get I they bring my clothes to me and I put them on I got to do five different wardrobe changes So probably first that a clothes and they're so tight and I go holy shit

How much weight if I gain in this movie and the woman goes a lot? I went really she goes we've all been talking about it, and I was like for real She said yeah, I go but I just wore this like three and three months I gained that much weight How much did you gain? I said I was like it couldn't be that much and then I put the shoes on the shoes are tight Well, and I'm like I'm like wait. What did you weigh when you got there? I was two I think I was like two 40, 235 in between there. I thought I was that for the whole fucking movie right? Right? You wait at the end. I don't know. So I do the thing. I mean, my shirt is like this, Tom. It's like this. And I'm like, I remember being tight, but did you weigh yourself when you got back? I was all in kilograms. I couldn't

tell what it was. Wait a minute. What about when you got back here? Have you ever waited myself? You have waited myself at all? At all. So, you know they're gonna wait myself now. You know what, what's gonna be funny to you? What? They'll weigh you right before surgery.

Great, great, I can't wait. And they do it on the bed. So, you're laying on the bed. And they're gonna be like, 256. They're gonna be like, what do you weigh? And you tell them what you think you a So I do I do the one thing yeah, it's like a five minute process and I say to the team I'm like I must have how much weight did I gain they're like you know Serbian food man you live a big life

And I was like okay, so I put on the next outfit and I'm like, motherfucker. Super tight. I was like, I just wore this like a week ago. And they're like, and they're looking at me that like, you gained a lot of weight. And I'm like, have you wear just housing food the whole time? I get. I don't even know. I didn't even know I was doing it. Like I didn't really know I was doing it. Oh my god. And then they put my shoes on and they go, okay, these shows are really tight. And then I look and I go, hold on.

Are these my clothes? And I go okay, these shows are really tight and then I look and I go hold on Are these my clothes and they're like huh? I go these my stunt doubles clothes and they're like I don't know I go you just gave me my stunt doubles clothes. I've been wearing oh so any smaller than I am hold on hey We're you're on the podcast quick pitch soft pitch soft pitch so We are you is birthday. Yeah, yes, so hi, bro. I love you. I miss you. I love you too. I'm going into surgery tomorrow push Buddy, I know I He's nervous. You're gonna love the sleep. It's like the best See looks I wake up with half of my face paralyzed keep going He's fine. I hope he's nervous. The sleep is best. You're gonna love the sleep. It's like the best. Let's wake up with half of my face paralyzed.

Keep going. So, we finally were able to, Bert had not seen Adriana Chechix offer for us to deep here. And so we're talking about maybe doing a live stream and wanted to see if you were comfortable with us, hold on with us wearing strap-ons. So we're not using our actual dicks. No, the answer's no.

Why? Tell me why, because we got, we got, Leanne just gave us, because that's gross. Yeah. It's gross. It is so gross. Okay, can I ask you? Listen, listen, just think about the smells. It's so... I'm not worried either.

Not worried. And like, you and Berber are gonna be so, are you guys gonna do it the same time? It's not that. Yeah, it's a D.P. It's a double penetration. Okay, but who's going where? Are you guys doing it right?

We'll take turns. Take turns. It's like leaky submarine. Yeah. We'll be the two panicky sailors that gotta plug up all their holes. Yeah, it's it, you know. I'll be like, Tom, I'll be going,

I'll have a noise. Yeah. I'll be like, hey, Berger, ass is ready and then he'll get in there. Oh shit. There's a hole back here Tom now Okay, I thought I thought you might I thought you might kill the fun So the the next thing is are you cool with us standing in the room while other people DP her Professionals Well, I was gonna say you and Leanne? Oh my God, I'm gonna pass out.

I don't like the scenario at all. Okay, all right. All right, we'll pitch it back to Adrienne Chechic. Yeah, we'll see if she has some creative ideas. Yeah, we'll get back to you. She's an out-of-the-box thinker. We'll get back to you. She'll be posted on one, it's a needle.

Okay, thanks, but that was fun. Unlike our wives, I wonder if I, well, how was she have reached out to me? Well, you're gonna open your dams down and see like, I'm dying for you to fuck me. Do that, sometimes you like, it's like, it's like sliding doors, it's the messages you don't get that make you happy.

By the way, I couldn't change my phone number until after the surgery, because Cedar Sinai has my phone number. Are you going to? I'm changing it the day of the surgery. I'm changing my phone number. Thank God. Dude, I get,

wait, how do people have it? I still don't understand. Some guy reached out to me and said, hey man, here's the Reddit thread where they gave out your address and your phone number. How did they know your phone number? I don't, can I tell you, I'm assuming, I'm assuming it's someone that I was friends with

at one point in life. Really? I have mistreated or felt like they've been wronged and then their way of getting even is just giving out all my information. Doxing you. Yeah, doxing me. I'm gonna send you, send me the red thread.

I'll send you the red thread. Some guy texted me the red thread. He was like, hey man, I got your number. I'll send you the reddit thread. Some guy texted texted me the reddit thread He was like, hey man, I got your number. I'm so sorry. I've been calling you My teeth hurt my condolences for your loss and your grandmother. Here's the site that reddit thread is linked to I'm saying this to you Did not hang on sending you the whole thing Send to me too. Okay And I was like I was like what kind of fucking asshole Not this guy, but

You know it sucks is that some people are Cool, you know and some people are assholes like mean and you're like Like last night some guy sent some mean message like as I'm checking my phone just some nasty message about you're not funny and then I'm like, what? Wait, what was the message? What do you mean? Where? I don't know, I want to give out his phone number. No, he texted you this? He texted me, I went from his phone number and I was like, I was like cool man, who in their fucking right goddamn mind cool man who in their fucking right goddamn mind gets someone's phone number and then text them that and then decides to text them that they don't like them. Yeah well like that somebody who's not in their right mind man.

I mean part of me feels bad for the guy I was gonna say I know he's blocked his number. Of course I was like I fucked this guy but I wanted to text him back I mean go fuck yourself like I just texted it to you. All right, let me see. It gives out my address and my fucking phone number. This isn't a Reddit thread though. This is the link from the Reddit thread. Oh, I got you.

Yeah, why didn't he just send me the Reddit thread? That is crazy. Thank God I fucking moved out of these houses. God damn dude. So strange that this is a thing. You know so funny is like these guys get my number and then they, and then especially just the ones that post mean shit where you're like like just text me mean shit or like what or or get way too comfortable with me or do there's one guy I have his phone number

I have it saved. I have thought the most evil things about this person. I've wanted to harm on this person. Because he what he texts you things? You know, it's, I gotta tell you, it's super, it's a very powerful mechanism to be nameless and faceless and then text me, mean things. One guy was texting things about you to me. And the way he was texting me about you was so fucking cruel.

And it was, it wasn't, it was, I can't tell you exactly what it was about, but I can tell you off air. But the way he was texting it to me was like, you know this is happening. And then he was like so fucking conniving. Like the way he did it was so cruel that I thought you're actually a bad person. And I want to out choose a bad person because the way you're texting the way you're talking to me was almost like

sexually assaulty. Like, like he was like, he had his finger in my mouth and he's like, yeah, you like that, don't you? And I went, oh, you're a bad person. I want to out you. I have your phone number. I want to out you as a bad person. And I want everyone that you works with you to know you're a bad person. And then I realized, that's not what you're supposed to do. It's probably some child who is testing out his personality and will end up being a horrible person. And hopefully we'll die before the world had to test to deal with them, you know? But like I and there's so many of those people that do that You saved this one though. I saved one. What'd you save me as?

I Forget I forget I can find it though. I can find it. I have his fucking phone number. I'll give it out right now Do you have anything? I got it. I do you want to do this really? He gave me his name. He gave you his name? Yep. I'm a tourist-nice real name. You know, we could do though.

You know, we could do with that. I could get you a thorough background check on him. I want to ruin this guy's life. What's a good way to start? Yeah. You want to do it? Yeah, I marked normally with me when this was happening. And Mark was like, man, this is bothering you. And I go,

you know, you don't text someone the way he was doing it was so like inside. And I don't want to show it to you because I don't want you to ever see this because it was it was it was so bothersome to me. And it wasn't about me. And it wasn't technically about me, but the way he was talking to me was like, was like, yo man, and that's the crazy thing is like, I get all these texts, I got one last night. I'll show you the one I got last night. I've fucking, this is the one I got last night, right? I, one guy texted me and told me my friend,

I have a friend in jail and he's, like, it's like the, it's sociopaths. Part of me feels like it's the same guy who's gotten a bunch of different numbers. But you're definitely changing the number, right? I'm changing the number one Thursday. I couldn't do it today because, look at this one. This is from last night, all right?

I'm getting the award and I get that text from someone I don't know who it is. And then what's the YouTube link? Something about another comic. Something about, it's me and another comic. And I blocked him, but I wanted to go, like, hey man, who do you think you are to text me something nasty, like, and then I got your phone number,

and then I have, that's how you're gonna use your power. I wanna use my power and I wanna put your number out so that everyone can find out who you are and then we can go to your parents and tell your parents who you are. Like, wouldn't there, like these guys that type rape threats to female comics? Yeah.

And then the female comics don't, I don't know this. Oh, what? It is these same people that are doing this are also the people that, you know, when Sarah Silverman makes apologizers for a joke or does something that they don't find cool, they then type rape threats to them.

Like one day, you're gonna get, what is their children, their children that don't know, their brains haven't fully developed. And so they think they're being funny, they also are fans of comedy, they don't know how comedy works. And so they think the most aggressive thing they can say

is the thing that's funny, right? And so, and so, and then I won woman ended up reaching out one of the female comics. I forget who it is. Nadav, see if you can find out who it is. Reach out to that child's mother and said, hey, just so you know, this is the emails your son's been sending me and fucking destroyed this kid and I was fucking all for it.

Did you found the kid's mother? She reached out and found out that it was a child and then reached out to the child's mother and was like just you know your 14 year old. Uh, get by the way. Hold on. The second you type in female comedian, heckler, all that comes up is Steve Hofstetter. Go back, go back. It's all Steve Hofstetter clips. Why is Steve Hofstetter come up as as female comedian, heckler thinks she's funny because he does

heckle videos. That's what he does. That's a different, that's different person. The second one though. I was it, Cory Woods. Cody Woods. Yeah. But yeah, it's so funny man, it's such a... And the summer funny, summer cool man, sometimes you get a phone call, I always answer them. The one in the car was funny.

It was great, it was great and you go, that's what... That's what, if you've got my phone number and you're gonna use it, use it for that. Yeah. I'm cool with that. If you're drunk with your boys and you're like use it use it for that. Yeah, I'm cool with that If you're if you're drunk with your boys and you're and you're like I got purse phone number. Let's call him I'm cool with that also, but this shit I'm not cool with and you're the reason I'm changing my phone number because I'm like dude I don't need negativity in my life and that you've got my phone number and you're gonna just text me hurtful hateful shit You don't know me and I fucking it makes me crazy

I've never wanted to change my phone number my phone number is Isla is heartbroken she goes yours is the only phone number I know by heart and I fucking, it makes me crazy. I've never wanted to change my phone number. My phone number is, Ila is heartbroken. She goes, yours is the only phone number I know by heart. And I was like, well, you have to learn a new one because fucking there are pieces of shit out there. That I, oh, that's it, that's it. Oh, it's Lindy West. Lindy West confronted her troll. Oh my God, it was Lindy West.

So we, okay, oh my god, this is a great story. So Lindy West gets, there's a guy who creates a Twitter account called Lindy West dead father. Oh man. And he starts posting as Lindy West dead father. Lindy West lost her father and he starts taping, posting stuff like no one will want to rape that fat disgusting mess.

Like right, that's what he writes. Lindy West, if you don't know, is a, I'm gonna say I'm gonna say in this right, but a body positive activist, she is overweight, I'm overweight, but she's also deals with fat acceptance and I hope I'm saying this right and I'm not fucking this up for Lindeweska, like Lindewest.

But that's what she does. And these young kids or whatever these fucking, they troll her and they fucked with her. She went ahead to have it with Norton on something and it was pretty interesting, it was pretty cool. That's how I found out who she was. And she confronted this troll and this guy fucking, she found her troll and confronted him. And he said it was the worst period of his life like that he is this her this is the response she got okay, can you can you read this I can't read yeah says hey Lindy well first of all Can we scroll up to what she wrote to them to the person because it looks like that's a response, right? Is there a part where? Okay.

So she went out and found out who it was. All right. So when I went off script, I stopped obsessing. I wrote about it publicly online. Okay. So she wrote something publicly online. You don't have to click it. So she obviously wrote a thing about it. And then she woke up to this email, Hey, Lindy, I don't know why, or even when I started trolling you, it wasn't because of your stance on rape jokes, I don't find them funny either. I think my anger towards you stems from your happiness

with your own being. It offended me because it served to highlight my unhappiness with my own self. That is, by the way, that probably is exactly why they're texting me, her bullshit. It's like, look at me and I'm look happy as fuck online. And I went on live. is by the way, that probably is exactly why they're texting me, hurtful shit. Of course. They look at me and I'm look happy as fuck online. And I went on live.

Yeah. I went on live and said, oh, I'm changing my phone number, whatever. That's when all these started falling and in because it was probably people going like, I'm a miserable, small, dicked, fat, cunt who lives in my mom's basement. And if I can have one victory today,

it's to hurt Bert, keep reading. This is interesting. Okay. Yeah, so it offended me to highlight my unhappiness with my own self. I have emailed you through two other Gmail accounts just to send you idiotic insults. I apologize for that.

I created the Paul West Dunzo account and Twitter account. I have deleted both. I can't say sorry enough. It was the lowest thing I have deleted both. I can't say sorry enough it was the lowest thing I had ever done. When you included it in your latest Jezabel article it finally hit me. There is a living breathing human being who's reading this shit. I'm attacking someone who never harm me in any way and for no reason whatsoever. I'm done being a troll again I apologize. I made donation and memory to your dad. I wish you the best.

He had donated $50 to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance where my dad was treated. The email still unhinges my jaw every time I read it. I reformed troll, so I mean, it goes on and on. I'm not sure if there's another back and forth or not, but that's wild. That's wild. She confronted her troll and he was like, oh yeah.

But that's a really good point is that she you know the person was self-aware enough to realize that they were Angry at themselves. Yeah, I wonder if they're self-aware enough. Let's call them Which the one who's called the guy who could text me last night. All right. Let's call him I wonder if he's self-aware enough to know that hey man that or if he's gonna be like, oh, I was just about doing your attention, bro. Alright. Oh, the library you have called is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.

Call it again. It might be like a- I think it's a fake number. Yeah, can I tell you, I think- I think the library you have called... I think they're fake numbers. I think they go online. They're not going through their own number. Yeah, they're not going through their own number because they're cowards.

Right. And they're going through, you know, it's like, if you're like, I can take, I can take, you know, it's funny. I said something once on this podcast about feeling like I got attacked by someone online and everyone thought it was them. Everyone thought that they were the ones that attacked me. And I was like, it's by the way it was none of you guys. Half of you guys that you thought it was,

I actually do listen to your podcast. And I think you're actually pretty talented. Even when you attack me, I still think you're good. It's so, but, but, but it's the cat, it's the one, like, and by the way, if you have a podcast and you think I'm a piece of shit and you wanna call me on being phony and Hollywood and whatever the fuck you wanna,

two sensitive and alcoholic, I'm gonna die young. Like I'm whatever, I probably won't watch all of it, but I watch it beginning. I watch enough to, I watch enough the same way you watch enough. I didn't like what I was all the same, but it's the ones that like hide behind a fake number to send you insults and you don't have the balls to be like

No, I stand by my words. Yeah, yeah, like stand by your fucking words. I'm standing by my words right now I'll say whatever I want to say and I'll say your name. I think I think I know who it is You really think you know who it is? I think I do because you because you run into cowards through your life, right? Yeah, you watch them behave as cowards and you see them behave as cowards and at times your friends with these certain people and you go oh shit I've seen how this person behaves with other people. Yeah, and I guarantee you I guarantee I have a group of 10 people and by the way What's brilliant about this is each one of them is watching this right now and thinks it's them That's the craziest thing is that throw away notes me he talking about me. And I think they just create bullshit accounts. Let's call the one that I fucking really hate. Okay. Alright.

Oh boy. This is the guy I hope bad stuff happens to him. You talk to him. He's gonna recognize my voice. Well, yeah, just say like, hey, what's up? He's not gonna answer, I guess. Of course, he sees it's my number. Guarantee he saved me under... He didn't just... Hi, you've reached Okay, it's close That's the one you don't like the most

Oh Can I tell you why? Yeah, it's about Christina Cool And it hurt me the way he was talking like that was I fucking I fucking killed me man It fucking killed me and and I was drunk and I was in Amsterdam and I was a fucking Mark Norman That's a like a while ago. It's a while ago. I've held on to it. I've held on to it Tom. I logged into something

Okay, and I fucking was with Mark Norman and I could not let it go. I was so angry I was so angry because it was like attacking people I love, but just talking to me in a very venomous way, and I sat with Mark Norman on a fucking, and Mark's like, hey man, we're in Amsterdam. Let's go get a joint and fucking forget about this. We have two shows tonight. And I was like, you're right, you're right.

And then I go, he goes, here's what you do, Bert. Save that number, and like a year from now. Deal with it then when you're not so angry. It's been two years and I just got the fucking searing anger at me. Yeah, you feel it. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's because I got a lot of emotion.

It makes some going into surgery and I'm like, fucking, and my number got leaked and I got doxed and we had, I mean, literally we had to get a new house because we got doxed because everyone had my address and that might be my fault. But that might be my fault, but that might be my fault. I remember one time Christina going, don't give a Burt our address because he's gonna post it online. And I was like, yeah, what are you talking about?

And it was like, one time you texted me like, over the course of a week, like three times, like, hey, what the fuck can I have your address? I was like, eh, I don't know. Ah, ah, ah, ah. By the way? Can I have your address? I was like, eh, I don't know. I don't know. By the way, the beauty is, this phone number is dead, starting tomorrow, and I will never hear from these people ever again.

I can't, I, how do you do, when you get a new phone, do you text everyone? No, how many people? Here's what you do. This is the best way to do this. Okay. You get your new number. Yeah.

Take a picture of yourself with like a piece of paper that says like, hey, this is Bert, this is my new number. Write a message once that you copy and then you copy and paste the photo and the message to people who you want to have the number. You understand? So people know it's really you, and you're like, that's me.

Oh, okay, no, okay. Because otherwise, I was like, what are my held hostage? Yeah, kind of. And then, and then you have that message, hey, this is Bert, this is really my new number. Here's a picture of me, saying like, this is my new number.

And then you just text it to the people you want to have your new number, which is the best, because it'll take a while for people who you don't want to have your number to get your number. Yeah. And then as soon as those people start getting your number, which is the best, because it'll take a while for people who you don't want to have your number to get your number. Yeah. And then as soon as those people start getting your number,

you get another new number. Okay, cool. All right, yep. Starting tomorrow, brand new number. How have you had that number? This number? Since I moved to LA. Wow.

20 years. Wow. I got it. You wanna, can I tell you? I mean, now that everyone knows my number, I'm changing it. I got it because it spells Bert. Really?

Yup. The last four or what? Last four. Two, three, seven, eight. Is Bert? Is Bert? It was a great number. It was a great number. It was a great number.

Yeah, I had a really good number. And then I switched it a few years ago, way too many people have my number. And then, You had way too many people meaning like way too many people that you just didn't want to talk to, or you got, I mean, I got, I mean, I'm in the...

No, I didn't get docs. Yeah. I was like, too many people that I don't want to talk to have my number. And then also, well like you, it's like a decade of touring the clubs and you give the number to like the staff the radio station the hotel The meant like it's like it's just too many people. Yeah, so I got rid of that one I have a new one. I'm getting a new number again

Next week, I got a new phone. I'm gonna get a new number with it. And so do you hold on to your old phone? This one I'll hold on to for a minute. I'm gonna see how it works on tour having the two got a new phone. I'm gonna get a new number with it. And so do you hold on to your old phone? This one I'll hold on to for a minute. I'm gonna see how it works on tour having the two phones. Burner phone? Well it's not a burner. I'm gonna maintain the number I've had. And the new number I'm just gonna give to like family. You know what I mean? Family front like really close.

Try to have like a actual no. Hello. Hi, good morning. It's Lucy giving you a call from Dr. Hi, good morning. It's Lucy giving you a coffin of Dr. Grimitzel's office. Oh. Where are you? Ah!

Lucy, I'm good. I'm doing a podcast. We're about to wrap up. Is there any change in my- Are you answering all the podcasts? Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. All right.

Thank you, Lucy. All right. Bye. All right. Thanks. Jesus Christ. That was so funny. That was fucking great. Yeah. Alright, thanks. Jesus Christ. That was so funny. That was fucking great.

Yeah. Um, alright, we should probably wrap this up. Yeah, um, so. Yeah, this was, that was a lot. Let's, um, that was a lot. Man, when you went to answering, you're like, hello, I was, I was expecting to be like, what's up, fuckhead?

Yeah, and she was like, I'm off-coff with the surgery center. I got it. You can leave that part in, then take the other part, the special part out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Well, this podcast took some real wild turns, man. I did, I did.

You know, we may have to edit a little portion out because I feel like there's, I got sensitive one time and man, every fucking troll in the world came after me. And so I'll talk to you in the top. Okay, is there a lot of fun? There's a lot of fun. We gotta change our energy for the next one. We definitely do.

We're gonna kill one of these fucking triple shots. Let's do it. Congrats again on your award. It's a big deal. I'm sorry I couldn't have been there. But I wish it had been there. It would have been great. Hey you next year.

You know, nerve transfer. Yeah, whatever. All right, love you. I love you too. See you guys. Stories and birds, the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, Scoobayers 1K No scripts to be the booze amateur,

Protology, dirty jokes, Ranchie humor, no apologies Here's what we call, Two Bears 1K you