2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 98 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://3Chi.com and use code BEARS at checkout to receive 5% off your order - Go to https://saatva.com/theshit for $200 off your order - Get three extra months free at https://ExpressVPN.com/CAVE. - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “Bears” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Go to https://HelloFresh.com/CAVE14 and use code CAVE14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping! - Find your Starbucks Tripleshot Energy online or at your local store - Download the DraftKings app now and use code "BEARS" to get a FREE shot at MILLIONS in total prizes with your first deposit! Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back together again (over Zoom) for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. The Bears talk about why Bert is the Jimmy Buffet of comedians, Bert's plans for his show at Red Rocks in Colorado, they both give updates on their surgery recoveries, Joe Rogan's 20 minute polar plunge, and the time Bert sneezed in a woman's mouth. They compare Kanye West's "Donda" and Drake's "Certified Lover Boy," talk about the youngest women they'd date, discuss the most notorious serial killers, and play around with a serial killer name generator.

They're back. The two bears hats that sold out in three minutes last time are back. Go ahead to store.yamhstudios.com and get the limited edition new era minor league baseball. Two bears hats. Get it now. My answer is 33. 33. How are you? I'm 43. What? 43. I'm not 50 that's the answer

100% Yeah, I mean I feel like you know, I think I should start it because people are gonna go what the fuck is this show? Yeah, yeah Hey guys finally two bears won cave the way you've asked for it just burnt no Tom Finally two bears won cave the way you've asked for it just burnt no Tom You know what's crazy is that I wish we were doing this Right after your show coming up because you got to be excited to be doing the fucking amphitheater red rocks baby. I hope it went well I hope the mushrooms turned out okay Are you doing mushrooms before the show?

No, no, I'm doing them for Jimmy Bob at the next night. So I have a lot of mushrooms in the top. How many mushrooms do I have? You have close to a year's supply for someone that does shrooms a lot. How are you going to eat? I'm going to start off with one cap and one stem and hope that it works well Good yeah, no no no I was like no no I said you need to take a fucking epic amount and really hit it hard for like four hours

You're trying to do it right, aren't you and then you're gonna go with are you gonna go with the boys to see about it? No, Leanne Mark Norman me Dave Williamson both Mark and Dave's chicks, my friend Sandy and Tom, and a bunch of us, I think my business manager, we're all going to see Buffett. I'll go in it. I know what's crazy is Jimmy Buffett asked if he could interview me before the show.

So I'm gonna be on his podcast. So I'm gonna be on his podcast. Let me tell you something, that motherfucker does not know what he's getting. He is getting a full Burt Christchurch dose. I am giving him a epic dose as an adoptive say of Burt Christchurch. I will do not be like good to meet you. I'm going to be like, yeah, fucking he's going to go so and I'm like, I'll take it from here. Shirt off. When I was 22 years old, I remember I was the Russian mafia. I ever tell you the crazy Morgan story. Give me your about the fucking lose your mind.

I'm about to be like, hey, hey, hey, we got to do it. I show too. We're good. Thank you. He's literally, I bet he's just, his mouth is going to be open going like back and forth. Like, what the fuck dude? Is it a podcast or like?

No. He's like, I was going to ask you five questions. What's your favorite? What, what, what meal would you like if you die? The, I cannot wait. I'm such a fan of Jimmy Buffett's. I was, you seem, by the way, you seem like a big Jimmy Buffett fan. I am a Jimmy, I remember when I was a kid, being like, like, going to Jimmy Buffett concerts

and just thinking like, this guy's got the fucking life. Like, oh yeah, he goes up, has a few cold beer smokes and joint plays some fucking hits, right? I was in the Bahamas one time and they told me, it was like a small place, like a small little, you know, five table shack kind of place. And the guy goes, yeah, Jimmy Buffett was here and he got so enraged that somebody was saying a prayer before they ate that he stood up and was like,

I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna eat any place where you say a prayer to a false god and stormed out. I was like, are you fucking serious? Yeah bring that up on the podcast. Oh God. Yeah. No, I think it's a big time atheist, which I'm fine with. I just think it's funny to yell at the locals about it. Yeah. I knew, I mean, I think if you could have one career of one artist, you'd probably like Lou Reed. But like who would you, who would whose life would you like to emulate?

Like if you could just go, all right, you're gonna get the same type of career, longevity wise and you can live like him. Do I go Jimmy Buffett at a fucking heartbeat? You got Margaret Lee. Well, you are him. That you're the comedian equivalent of Jimmy Buffett. For real?

So, yeah. Yeah, of course you are. Jimmy Buffett's like, let's just all have a fucking drink and hang out. Oh, yeah, I guess I can take it easy and wear flops everywhere. You are fucking. I'm fucking wearing them right now. Of course you are. We're coming out with a new line on free water.

They're really awesome, Tom Keece I'm yeah, they're really fucking comfortable. I know yeah, you're Jimmy boss. I did I'm an abating suit right now You slept in your bathing suit. I slept in my bird dogs. I've been doing these reads about bird dogs the bird dog sponsor this podcast Bird dogs the bird dog sponsor this podcast Medov no, but they've got a free one. They're so not damn comfortable. I sleep in them. I swim in them I tell you I just don't take them off. Yeah, that's cool man. Yeah, I okay, who would you want to be like you? Drake That's a good that's a good that's a good life. He's living a great life. We kid me. I can't listen to his That's a good that's a good life. He's living a great life. We kid me. I can't listen to his Fucking new didn't like it champagne pop you big mama whatever certified lover boy the new love of a boy

You can't even say lover right? Every song started what did you like more certified lover boy or Donda Donda? I'm gonna say Donda because I like Kanye better. I like Kanye like in bed because he's unpredictable Okay, I always I've always like Kanye and I think like I feel like all Kanye's life comes out in his art Well, I would take Kanye's life because it's been like a super chill like easy kind of going life. Yeah It's nothing to it. No I think that's though both those guys. It's too much. I don't need that much, dude. I don't need that much attention or scrutiny. You know what I mean? Their lives are too crazy. Dial it back a little bit for me. Maybe like more artistic nods. There you go. I would take

his career. Well, you know what I found out? I'm not like, because Big Boy released a song with killer mic and sleepy brown. The same day that Kanye came out and the same day that, like, within the same week that certified lover boy and all that came out. I like that style of rap. I think it's called trap music. Is that what it's called? Like, trap house music. I like rap music. I like rap music.

I like fucking rhymes. I actually like, I listen to a certified lover boy on the way over here. It's pretty good, but it's not my style of, it's not my favorite style of rap, you know? It's super distinct. It is distinct. It is, yeah. And I actually didn't in love Donda as much as I'm saying, like, because I was like, I didn't get into it the The way I listen to it,

the second I put in Big Boy's new album, new song, it's just one song. I listen to it on repeat. It's just, I just connect with that style of music better, I think. I think that's totally fair to say, man. I mean, they are totally distinct sounds. And yeah.

You're getting into, I feel like you're getting into, you know more about hip-hop than I do. Like, you should turn me on to the, not finesse, who's the guy, the DJ, you like, DJ Premier? Yeah, DJ Premier has that web series where he breaks down so much. Oh yeah, yeah, it's called So What's Up, yeah. That's so cool, right? Where he's break, you know,

because I pitched to him. I was like, I wanna do a documentary on you, where you break down, like some of your, because his catalog is so insane of like, really huge. Oh my God, it's crazy. It's like, a lot of producers have, you know, a handful of hits, but he's like one of those guys

where you could just like, scroll, it's like 50, 100. That's on top of all the Gangstar stuff. And I was like, there's a, for sure, documentary in you. And then this is like a little web version, a sort of of what I envision where he's telling you the story behind, you know, making this record and that record and working with different artists. It's the, should I, I totally am fascinated by it. So I could watch him do that over and over, man. By the way, I have to apologize because I just realized I should on two albums that are the biggest albums of the year

and there are legit music fans going, you have no fucking idea what you're talking about. Well, yeah, but you're burnt. Yeah, but no, but that's the, like, but people do that with comedy all the time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't fucking suck. And you're like, hold on, he doesn't fucking suck. John Malaney is working on it. Well, yeah, yeah. I can't fucking sucks. And you're like, hold on. He doesn't fucking suck.

John Malaney, yeah. Well, yeah, yeah. I end up having to defend. He got trashed. I got to defend John Malaney all the time. Yeah, no, it's so funny too. I saw how many people like getting, like, have opinions about, I mean, I'm just not even getting into super details about John, but using him as an example where they

they're invested in someone's life that they don't know at all. Dude. Like they're all people tweeting about John. They're like, I can't believe it's like, what are you talking about? I got a text from someone. I got a text. So there's so so Melania was in the group. And by the way, I don't I don't I feel we were talking about Jamalaney at all because he's going he's got to go through so much shit, but Jamalaney was in the group of they called Wife guys wife guy comics Was that it? I don't know what that is. It's like a good wife guy meaning like you're good guy like that We follow your career, but we love the fact that you love your wife. And then when you got a divorce, everyone was like, what the fuck?

And then, and then they're like, what's up with these wife guys? Comics. Am I saying that right? See, that's a phrase. Because there's one wife guy comic that apparently is going around the rumor mill, was went to a sorority house and was like, getting girls numbers and is a wife guy comic. I don't know who it is, I wish I did. But you don't know who it is? I don't know who it is, but people started texting me.

Someone was leaking it on like TikTok, and friends were texting me, bird, is this you? You need to, if this is you need to like, clean this up. And I was like, no, it's not me. By the way, I would totally own that shit and throw it all over Instagram if I was in a fucking sorority house. I'd be like, yeah, come on bitches. Like fucking not gonna fucking hide from Jesus Christ. We should salute whoever that is. You imagine

fucking a sorority girl. How exhausting that would be. What? Dealing with all the tears? Just talking to her. Yeah. Fucking like a 19 year old girl. There's nothing I want to say to her at all. Like there's not one. There's not one. So like here's the thing. It's like there's something you could do about that, you know. I don't like your opinions. Yeah, I couldn't what's the what's the youngest you could have sex with? Okay, this is what I'm talking about um I Don't know man. I don't feel like what you could just have just have sex with her like 14. Stop. What if I mean, you're talking about sex or actually hang out and have sex or you just mean like, just shove it in. No, you got it. You got to date them. You got to date them. Like, this is

your new check. This is your new piece. It's got it's, it's not going to be older than you got to be like, you got to introduce your to Rogan and be like, and his wife and his kids, and you gotta have a smile on your face and go, no, so do you guys co-sign on this? Well, I gotta take him, I have to bring him there over to him. You gotta bring her, no, you gotta hang out with her. Like, you gotta bring her places, and people gotta go like, holy shit, Tom. So, where did you guys meet?

Pretty school? I think, I think, no, young, I I think 10 years younger man. That's the less younger side could go. 32. Yeah, it's got to go. I can't go. I can't go. Huh? It's got to be 30s. Yeah, of course, man. And even that might be it's probably I it's probably better to be like 36. I don't know what bad old Jesus Christ It's like the hell would you go getting you shoes? You don't want them like totally fucking used When I'm look kind to new How old would you go how young would you go? Used car is like by the used car dumb you wanted to look like a used car. You wanted to look at

40 you do it, 41. Oh no, 33. My answer is 33. 33. How are you? I'm 40 through D. What? 43 through D.

D. I'm not 50. That's the answer. I'm not 50. Yeah, I'm 40. Are you still going, are you going 15 years younger? Oh God, don't say it like that.

That sounds horrible. Okay. Put 33, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you would see, but that's a total Jimmy Buffett mood. I could see him doing that.

So that's good. Oh, I guarantee you, oh, check see how old Jimmy Buffett's current wife is. And how many times he's been married? Oh, wow. It ain't once. It definitely is not once No, I guarantee you Jimmy Buffett's got to have three under his belt Did you get the first one right first ones the franchise? Right, I see you build the franchise on so Savannah Jane Buffett is 42 years old

She's 42 how how's he? How's he? His wife's younger than me. Hold on. He's 74. You think so? I'm guessing. Yeah, nailed it.

74. Yeah, I'm a big job. I think I'm a big job. Okay, how many times have you been married? How many times have you been married? Well, this definitely wasn't his first. Look at you. This wasn't his first.

All right. I'm glad I've already met. I've already met Jimmy Buffett when all this has happened. It's not listing as well. The divorce to 1971. Buffett married. I found it right away. How do you not see this?

Yeah, how do you not see it? There it is. Found it. Yeah. Yeah. Married Margie Washercheck in 1969 on the divorce in 71. Okay, there's the first one. Then what another one?

Um, how many we up to usually in that little thing on the right there. Second live photo. Yeah, yeah, I actually scroll up and it'll tell you very quickly. Uh, so does it say married houses? No. No, so is Jane this one the 42 year old looks like it yeah All right Yeah, that's a nice age gap or 30 years younger Jesus if I make it 74 then I what do you care if someone's like these 30 years

I yeah, you know what you could do that should be 18. It's totally legal. You can have an 18 year old God that's dirt is that 30 years? Yeah, yeah, you know what you could do that should be 18 is totally legal. You can have an 18 year old God that's there is that 30 years. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. That's like me dating an 18 year old right now. That's George's George's friends Yeah, you you can find when you like so fucking creepy when you think about me Hang in I couldn't even hang out and it's creepy if Georgia walks in in the morning. She's like hey dad. Hey Kaylee rate a Robert Robert Shimble dated his daughter's friend. Yeah, Marrieder right Marrieder fucking wife I guess yeah That's that it's funny when I met Robert Shimble in his past

So I I mean, but when I met Robert Shimble I didn't think anything of it at all now is his age when that happened I'm like that that's pretty fucking weird. Yeah, you think so? That's really fucking weird. But when he told me that was like, Oh cool, cool, that's cool, man. That's really cool. Oh, that's awesome.

He's got to be great, right? You're definitely going to be great. You're going to cost me, tell me more. Hey, how crazy was that shit I took on FaceTime? I almost threw up. It sounded like you were, it sounded like you were squirting meatballs out of a fucking glad bag.

Like you had cut a hole in a glad bag and you had like a gallon glad bag that was filled with meatballs. And there was just enough to get two meatballs at a time and you squeeze it really hard into a bucket of water. It was so aggressive that I started gagging on FaceTime with you. Yeah, we were talking.

I was like, man, my stomach's been upset for a couple of days, check this out. It brought you in and you were like, ugh, and that. And there's this sound of it. See, I've had, I've done that sound before, but it's my, I made the sound. When you made the sound, I was like,

eh, eh. Like that would make someone throw up in the stall next to you. Like definitely. Yeah. Yeah. I, I told you that I made that dude throw up and I took a shit so bad. In Japan?

You guys threw up. I wish I could find without what I ate, because I would love to throw up and I took a shit so bad in Japan. You guys threw up. I wish I could find one out what I ate. Because I would love to be able to fucking shit like that again. Why? Oh dude, it smelled so bad. So fucking bad. You have no idea what I do that again. It's happened to me twice.

It happened again. I mean, this happened again in Colorado. I don't know what I ate. I think in Colorado might have been a raw egg. Actually, I know it was, it's roe eggs. Roe eggs. Roe eggs is what does it to me. Eat a roe egg.

And that should be the next challenge, the roe egg challenge. And then you shitting a public place unless the people go, eh! Oh, are you flying early to Colorado or no? Yeah, yeah, 11 o'clock. No, I'm saying the day I've had a day before, day before, gonna dial in, get some like, go to a dispensary, get all set up, and then part have a, we're staying in these really nice cabins on a river. And so, yeah, yeah, I got a cabins for

everyone. Got a Sprinter van to take us back and forth. And then we are, do you know what the fucking nice one is? I'm doing Tallahassee October 24th, and we're on Orlando the night before. And the offensive coordinator hit me up and was like, Hey man, do you guys want to come to a game? And I was like, fuck, yes.

So you ready for this? I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it because here's the thing, you kind of, you live by this. And I think I, I didn't realize how cheap I am. Like I'm really cheap. I get like certain things. Not to like call myself out, but like, just paint,

this sounds really fucking horrible. But like paying feature acts. I had a hard time getting to the point where you were like, you're like, because in my head I was like, no, I was a feature for, no, for whatever the club gave you. And you're like, no, you got to tip them more than that. You got to give them more than that. Because didn't you want it?

And I was like, yeah, but I didn't get it. And you're like, no, you got to do it more. And then when I started doing theaters, you were like, you got it. This is what this is like industry standard. And and you've always been good about spending money to make money or spending money to make sure everyone's taken care of or splurging, like taking your family to Hawaii

or stuff like that, your dad and your sisters and all that. Like you've always been good at that and I'm not good at that. I fucking have a hard time doing that. And I'm doing, I did that for Colorado and I'm doing it for Florida State. So I haven't been back to Florida State in 25 years Do that's gonna be so fucking rad so I'm so we're doing Orlando Saturday night

So Saturday morning we're doing land of Friday and Saturday night, right? Right so Friday Saturday morning. I'm getting a private jet to take us to Tallahassee All everyone on the tour we're going to T Tyler has you gonna watch the game Fucking party our balls off then get back on the private jet go back to Orlando do our two Did I say this right? Yeah do our two shows Saturday night and then get on the tour bus go back into Orlando and do the show Sunday Fucking amazing. Yeah, cuz I'm like what game are you going to do you know? I don't know say what what game is October 23rd for Florida State in Adolf Of 2021 or 22? What, you're gonna get? No, 21, 21.

2000. Yeah. That's gonna be amazing, man. Wake for us, it's gonna be wake for us. You mass, Minutemen. Okay, I was just saying. You mass is playing FSU at FSU. Uh, the Florida State Seminoles.

Yeah. Yep. Yep. That's it. Wow. Well, you're going to, you might see a fucking scalping like an actual murder thing place. That's going to be, uh, uh, interesting. I wish it was a different game. That's gonna be interesting.

I wish it was a different game. Okay, that's a game to get shit faced after. That's by the way, I bet those men's and coordinators like we can definitely squeeze you into the stadium on this game. Oh yeah, he's gonna be like, you wanna feel passes? You wanna fuck him, you wanna coach? Have you done any weight lifting with your left arm?

Have I? Yeah, I started two days ago with five pounders. I got clear to do five pounds. Fuck me, eyes. But it's all because of the nerve is connected by, and I'm quoting the doctor here, doll hairs. So they've been waiting for it to grow and heal. And it can snap if you stress it, you know, or put so.

Did you have anxiety about about re-injuring yourself, like the nerve or the arm or the well, I was a little, yeah, I mean, obviously you get like a little bit, you know, and then there was the time where I was on the couch on week, like, let's say three or four and Ellis ran and jumped and two knees into my forearm. And I was like, ah, fuck. And I almost beat him. So like, beat him with your power. I was like, dude, you motherfucker. And he's like, what, sorry, Tom.

So yeah, you know, stuff like that. But I got, I was really, because he was like, he was like, don't pick anything up. And I was like, like, he goes anything. Just don't pick anything up. And I was like, like, he goes anything, just don't pick anything up. And I've just been cleared to go to five pounds. I could pick up, you know, regular things, but like, I won't pick up my suitcase with this hand.

I won't do anything really substantial with this hand. And then all of a sudden, in three more weeks, I'm full cleared, full clear. And I can pick up whatever I can tolerate. What arm challenge are we gonna do? Dude, we should do something real easy. I think we should do something like you fucked darts with our broken arms.

Dude, I, I get, yeah, we're both left. It's both left, right? Yeah, left and both left it's both left right yeah left and left both left and I I it's been It's killing me not to use it like right now. What's it's anyway? We'd be fun to do sports shit with our left hands Because we both do everything right handed for sports, right? Yeah Yeah Like accuracy stuff Yeah, the people love watching us with our right hands play tennis so much. Let's watch it was our left hand. Oh my god That would be such a shit show. I

I Been antsy about using this arm like I've been like because I feel like it's healed and I have full I have full now I've passed 90 degrees range of motion but I I'm but I'm like, I can't, and I'm not allowed to use weights yet. I'm still not allowed to use weights. Wait, just wait, dude. That your tendons are healing.

Don't do anything. I was telling Drew, but the nerve block really fucked me up. Oh yeah. Like I really never thought stuff like and I had this kid chase chase Reem and you know chase Reem and the guy got yeah, yeah, I had him on my podcast and he said something that fucking chilled me to the bone He said, you know, he couldn't move anything his body and he went into surgery and he looked at the anesthesiologist And he was like I hope you don't know what you're doing and you kill me right now

He said that? He said that to him. He was like, I have to exactly how I felt going into this surgery. And then he goes, and then I came out of the surgery and I could move my arm and I was like, well, they did something right. Shit.

And then he was like, and then he was like, I had a false sense of hope that I was like, I'm gonna be 100% fine. I just need to bust my ass. And he was like, wow. And then he was like, I was like that for like a month and a half and then I realized in a certain point, oh, it's not gonna be, I'm not, I was kidding myself.

I'm never gonna be a hundred percent. But he's doing great. He went, I mean, like his golf swing is a little fucked up, but he's, but he's out on the golf course, having beers with his friends. Like, that's all you fucking want out of life, you know? Yeah, that's amazing man. That kid's story is crazy.

Do you have a sense of, do you have a sense of the fragility of life now that you've hurt yourself? And it's, yeah. Dude, it's affected me much more than, even than I've realized at times, you know what I mean? Yeah. It was, I don't know, I kind of realized that I didn't really let myself embrace certain

emotions as much as I should have. No, like what? Like I just always kind of, I'm a real even-killed guy. Like I don't get too excited, but I also don't get too down. And I just kind of stay like, you know, in the middle. And I've, um, I've let myself go to more extremes since I got injured. Like I let myself get more excited or sad, um, when I feel like it, because it just, it affected me that way, you know, like I get more emotional.

like it because it just it affected me that way, you know, like I get more emotional. It's interesting. I, I'm driving here not to, I won't give away where we are, but I've, I've gotten, as an adob can test, I've gotten lost the last five times I've driven here. How? I don't know. I mean, so lost that I'm like, what the fuck? I'm having to text him and today I didn't text you. I just went to your last text and you sent me the address and I clicked it and I'm like,

God I was close. But today I'm driving. For you've been there like 150 times. I know. Well, I moved. How? I moved. So I'm coming from a new direction.

What's that new address again? Uh, my daughters are like, dad, please, please, please. No Instagram stories in the front of the house, no Instagram stories too high. Like don't let anyone know where we live. So anyway, oh, by the way, I had closure on the thing I talked to Drew about the other night.

I want to talk to you about that, okay, about propaganda, back to the swimming web, driving here, and I'm, and they're like two blocks, so you know where I'm sitting, right? Two blocks that way, right? Two blocks that way and one block that way. There's a house and there are two people, a young man, and an older man, both in wheelchairs in the front smoking cigarettes. And it was like, and it's hot as fuck here in the valley. And I looked at it and I just was like,

God man, keep me out of a fucking wheelchair. Like, keep me out of, like I looked at it and I'd set a prayer for them. So I was like, the last man, keep me out of a fucking wheelchair. Like, keep me out of, like, I looked at it and I said a prayer for them. So I was like, the last thing I wanna do is be on a wheelchair with my daughter in a front and a fucking front stoop. And that injury too, like, it really made me, I mean, you've been around me some,

rethink like health so much more, like all, you know, like, I just eat better. I, I, I work out like six days a week, man. And I, I do it just because like, I don't want it to happen. I think in a way in my head again, and I just want to be healthier for longer. I, I couldn't understand how you didn't eat. Like when I got on Go Big Show, I ate, I understand how you didn't eat. Like when I got on Go Big Show, I ate, I ate like, like there was a reality show watching me about how much I'd eat.

Like I ate so much. I, I should call the kid that ordered for me. I'm not joking, Tom. I ordered three meals at a time. Three meals for breakfast, three meals for lunch, three meals for dinner. Oh, I see, like, who are these four? At one, that's, I'm gonna call him.

I wonder what that kid thinks. I wonder if I have his fucking number still. You're such a maniac, dude. I ordered three, and at one point I was wondering if he was like, I got one of these for me. Like, thinking of that to do, and I was eating it anyway. Do you think though, what isn't a crazy to you, honestly, that you're not fatter?

I'm shocked, I'm not fatter, I'm shocked. Yeah. Like, I was eating ice cream. Like, I was just like, there was a, there was a freezer of ice cream sandwiches. And I just found there an ID three. Like, I could not get control of myself. And it was because I was-

You told this to me a lot that like, when you sometimes your eyes just see it and you go, I just can't stop, I can't stop. I would, pizza's and, and you know what I mean? You're like, I ate fucking the whole extra large pizza. I'm like, what? I just couldn't stop myself. I mean, I would just fucking, and I was like,

I'm gonna, I was just gotten this cast and I just got everything I was like, I'm gonna lose weight, I'm gonna do it Tom did, I'm gonna eat clean, and then I was just wolfing. I mean, I did a cheeseburger as like, that was what I'd snack on in between meals. Like, really? I was, I ballooned.

Do you think you were stressed and that's why you were doing that more there? I think I was stressed, I think I was unhappy, I think I was depressed, I think, and I was having anxiety about my arm because I was like, because it would hurt, and then I'd be like,

fuck, did I fuck it up somehow? Do you weigh yourself a lot or no? I just did. I did the day of the surgery. You know when you told me that the truth weight, the truth weight was 139. And so I was, 239.

239, 239, 239. 239. And then, That's not that bad. And then I weighed myself, the day I came home from Go Big Show, and I was 246. And I, but ever since I got back from Go Big Show, I I was 246. But ever since I got back from Go Big Show,

I've been eating really good. I measure myself on if I can see my dick on the toilet. Did I tell you that? That's what you look for. If I can see my dick like this, like not like peering over, but just see my dick that I'm in good shape. When I was doing the movie, I could really see my dick.

But there was a week when I was doing the movie where I couldn't see my. When I was doing the movie, I could really see my deck. But there was a week when I was doing the movie where I couldn't see my thighs. I was like, it's the week you had 12 cheeseburgers for lunch? That was, yeah. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a week where I was like, fucking, I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't think it's that great. I mean, but it is, you are like lucky that you don't even balloon more. I really think that way you, when you go hard with the booze and the food, it's like, you should be fucking like $2.95. Yeah, I should be $2.95. But now that I'm home, I've gotten,

I've been eating really healthy and eating clean. I'm drinking like a fucking fish, but I'm polar plunging in the morning, sauna in the morning, working out. And see you do the polar plunging. Do you love it? I love the fucking polar plung. Dude, I love it.

It's one of those ones that like Joe has, where it's, cause I liked it with the ice. I loved it with the ice. I just get 300 pounds of ice. And then that would last me like three days. I could work three days of ice through that. And then I just do it twice a day. But this thing, it's at 42 degrees all

the time. You can, I can get it to go lower. I wonder what the name of it is. Is it called Renew? R-E-N-U? Yeah, yeah. I dig that. I might get one for here. What's the name of it? Because let me, let me get this guy hooked up with you because he gave me mine and he'll, he'll help you up. Type, type in R-E-N, R-E-N-U. Is it that? Yeah, looks like it, right? Yeah, Renew therapy. Yeah, that's it. Ari and you is it that? Yeah, looks like it right. Yeah, Renew therapy. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. That's what I got And it's really nice. It just it's on all the time it has oxidase. It's very expensive holy shit He gave that to me looks like it Mother fucker. Thank you, dude

It's fucking awesome. I love it, dude. It's fucking awesome, I love it. Good God, that's fucking awesome. You know what I like about a polar plunge though? What? Is I actually love how alert I feel, like that feeling, it's the same feeling I get, so I have the same pre-show routine pretty much, most time, unless like, schedule or travel doesn't allow it, which is I always try to do cardio

like two hours before because there's that thing that happens for me it's like once you cross usually like 25 to 30 minute mark and not like you don't have to be like full like all out but like you're moving you're sweating we're like you you just kind of wake up a little more you feel a little more alert and I love that feeling to go on stage like alert not like groggy and you're sweating, where like you just kind of wake up a little more, you feel a little more alert, and I love that feeling to go on stage, like alert, not like groggy, and you know what I mean, dragging, so that's why I always try to do it, like pre-show, and I feel like cold stuff does that, like if you jump into a cold lake, you know, and so you come out, you're like you just feel alert, I love that feeling. I love the feeling, I got I got in I didn't get in this morning Because I was running late, but I get in first thing in the morning. I get a just go out

I make a call. I turn on the sauna go out turn on the sauna come in make a coffee Go back-to-back yard have a little coffee get out and then I do one minute just one minute in the cold plunge But normally if I'm doing the cold plunge I do it for like four minutes. I do four minutes Yeah, do box breathing where I go Four for breasts in hold it for four seconds Four breasts for count count of four breathe out and then hold it for four seconds And then it for some reason it just calms you down and then you can stay in for like four minutes Ila loves it. Ila keeps jumping in Ila really Ila loves it. She's like I feel like I feel like Wide awake when I get out of it. I love, really? I love loves it. She's like, I feel like, I feel like,

wide awake when I get out of it. And I was like, that's what I love about it. Yeah. So good. Yeah, it's due to that. When Joe did 20 minutes, I was like, what the fuck? I think that really fucked him up. Really?

Yeah, I think he was fucking shaking for two days. It changed his core temperature. It was out here in Austin, fucking shaking for two days. It like it changed his core temperature. It was out here in Austin and he was fucking wearing a sweater for that week. I swear you're sweater and a fucking scarf and mince. It's so crazy. It's almost like somebody was like, I bet you can't and he was like, okay, you know, you keep. That's the problem.

That's the problem with being Joe Rogan is, if you do, if you're just a person sometimes, they're like, what the fuck? I thought, why'd you let you in and bitch conquer you? Dude, when, like, when we did the Sober October challenge and it was like, who, like, I think you were like, I'll win this or something.

I like, as soon as you sound, I was like, oh shit. And then, like, one time I was with him and we were, where were we? I forget where we were, but it was in some venue. It was years ago. And there was this bar hang like on the ceiling. And some of those like, like one of the fucking staff people was like, I bet you can't do more pull-ups in me and I saw his head spin.

He's like, what? I'm like, oh fuck. And then they just started doing pull-ups. What a fucking, I mean, what a good brain to have, but what a fucking horrific brain to have to live with. Yeah. Like that, like, because that is, that brain is what it got him to where he is today. Yeah. Like that, like, because that is, that brain is what got him to where he is today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's part of it.

Yeah, it's part of it. But there is also the, oh shit, I got this brand new polar plunge and I just did, I couldn't last a minute and now I'm getting harassed by the internet. Looks like I'm gonna change my core temperature tomorrow and do 20 minutes Insane fucking insane. He buys his pants

Based on whether he can do full kicks in them, you know Like like you know what these pants are cuz they're like elastic and I can kick in them I was like, oh, yeah, that's all by pants, too. Yeah, that's exactly how I buy my pants. Yeah. That's so crazy. What are the different personality types in the dov? Pull up personality types. Oh, this is what I wanted to talk to you about.

Propaganda. So last year, what is this? Because you said you was set it up with Drew? I talked to Drew about it. I was saying that I was having a hard time my social media team was like, hey, we need to announce that you sold out Red Rocks. We want to make a big announcement.

And I was like, I didn't feel like, I didn't understand why you would do that. I now understand it, because I did post it. And you get a lot of people going, hey, congratulations, that's awesome. And you're like, oh, cool, thank you. Yeah. And then, and it's, and it's something you should be proud of,

because I've worked very hard. I didn't think I'd be able to sell 10,000 tickets and I worked hard to sell them. And so, so yeah, so, but what's interesting is my, my take was when you see like are all of us posting videos or pictures of us in front of a sold out crowd in a big theater. My thing was, I felt bad because I knew that there are comics out there that see that and then

that affects them how they feel about themselves. Because they're like, really? I thought so. But then I realized it's one comic. It's one comic. They told me he had to mute me because he couldn't look at that because it was a direct reflection on how he felt about himself. It was one dude. Yeah. So I and so I got a lot cooler with it, and I'll be posting a lot of fucking pictures of me in front of all of you. I'm going back to old-school, Bert Gaddafi propaganda mode. Like I'm gonna make, I'm gonna make, I'm gonna, the Taliban is gonna look soft spoken compared to me. Oh, you're really gonna go into overdrive?

I'm going overdrive promotion mode. I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, guys, I still not desire playing and I'll be taking pictures of myself and airplanes The wait let's see personality types Nadov Okay These are there's four third person alley types Okay, really now there's there's 16, but this is a subdivision called the analysts Why do we go to the analyst well Well, there's this is different.

Wait, can we take a personality test? Take the test. I'm sure you can. Take the test. Look at this. Bert, do you want to go first? Tom, let's me and you do this, ready? You're doing it together?

Oh, you're going to be shocked. You're going to be shocked. You're going to be shocked. We can't answer it together because it's going to do one at a time, you know? No, we don't need to take the, we don't need, yeah, you know? No, we don't need to take the, we don't need, yeah, you're right, but we don't need to take the test, but I think these answering these questions makes is very interesting.

Okay, what's the first question? You regularly make new friends. I am strong disagree. What? I never make new friends. I never make new friends. You always make new friends. Okay. You spend a lot of your free time exploring various random topics that peak your interest. I'm strongly agreeing.

Yeah. You too? Yeah, I would agree on that. Seeing other people cry can easily make you feel like you want to cry also. Yes. 100%. Yes. You often make a backup plan for your backup plan. Agree. Strongly agree. I have exit strategies on everything.

I have strategies. I have exit strategies on interviews. If they ask me a question, I've answered the question in the shower that morning already. Jesus. So strongly agree, Bert? Yeah. You usually stay calm, even under pressure.

Oh, not. Yeah, that's not you. At social events, you rarely try to introduce yourself to new people and mostly talk to people you already know. Yeah, I very saw, I'm very quiet at a party. What? Disagree, disagree, disagree, disagree. I'm talking to everyone, but I don't let them talk.

Yeah, but yeah, you're a strong disagree, right? Yeah, strong disagree. All right, how many of these fucking questions are there for all of them to talk to? This is gonna be a fucking horrible podcast. Yeah, we don't wanna answer this whole thing right now. One of you just, I'll tell you what, what, how about this, Nadav?

Why don't you just answer it for me? No, just finish it after we record. Yeah, but I, it's interesting because I wonder how an injury affects your personality. It does, you personality. It does. You know, it does. Yeah, I mean, I got, I didn't realize that first, because at first you're just so in it, but then it was talking to like, honestly, my PT,

and then Christophe Stefano was a physical therapist. You know, that's what he did before it stand up. There's so much. He was like, he was like, oh, yeah, dude, he's like, we saw it. Like for them, they see it every day because they're working with people who've been severely injured sometimes. And he's like, all the time. See, he's like, some people like come out of their shell, have like dramatic changes. You know, it doesn't have to be dramatic for everyone, but he's the one that said, I think you definitely feel a personality shift.

Yeah. Yeah, it's funny because I wonder like the thing that thing that just I can't get past is it can all happen so quickly. So fast. Sometimes I close my eyes and I fucking picture that that day, you know like the basketball injury day and like the moment of it and it's like Man, I still remember pushing off and Like not knowing what happened to my leg and then how quickly like that the like the quickness of The arm and then like you know hearing like and like having the quickness of the arm, and then like, you know, hearing like, and like having the tunnel vision of like,

I know, I know I'm super fucked up right now. And just yeah, but what you're saying though, it's just how fast it happened, how fast. I think everything changes. I think of those kids that this past weekend that did cocaine and overdosed. Oh my God man. That's not supposed to happen.

I mean, I'm not saying that, look, everyone can sit out there and be like, guys, this is why you don't do cocaine. You shouldn't know cocaine. But the truth is, we've all, everyone's been there and that's not how it's supposed to happen. And not, not only that, but not everyone in your party fucking dies. Like, that's not gonna happen. You don't forget, I overdosed too.

I remember how quickly that happens, like how you're just at a party and you're just hanging out. And I was the only one that ended up in the hospital and it was fucking, yeah, you wake up and you're just like, oh my whole world's changed. Everything's changed. It's so quick. We had a bachelor party right out of fresh out of college.

When I just moved to New York, we had a bachelor party in Atlanta. And it was right when Outcast released that song, Rosa Parks. And we were in this tour bus, we had a strip club in Atlanta and we had all eaten ecstasy and I had eaten half a pill and I because I've always been a little bit of a pussy when it comes to drugs so everyone passed around XC pills I eat I get a pill I eat half a pill put the other

half of my pocket and I'm in the bathroom and that song oh No, president everybody move to the back of the bus. You don't want to foam and gromp with us Who would probably oh? What that bus and as I walk out two dudes Pass out like pass out and they're and they're like shit What's going on and they're like they're fine. They're breathing just let them sleep it off and they were moving to me They're moving bodies to the back of the bus and putting them in bunks. And I was sitting there going like, and I walked back into the bathroom. And I was, I just taken the pill. And I was like, Oh my God. Like, how the

fuck do I get this out of my system? And I just looked in the mirror and I was like, Dear God, please don't let me overdose right now. And I went in and I had a fucking fantastic evening. And I didn't take the other half, but I just was like, I was like, I can't connect with that. That's not me. And then the next morning we all went over to our buddy's house and everyone was like, yeah man, that fucking, whatever was in that pill, man.

That knocked me the fuck out. I was out all night. And I was like, that sleep at off thing is how people die a lot too, you know? Yeah, because people are scared to Address the problem. So they're just like, yeah, you'll wake up and sometimes you don't wake up Once you invite drugs and once you do the legal activity, that's what happened with that my buddy Chase is That for what I mean, I won't go into too great of detail, but you know

He fucking I don't know if you heard the podcast, he hit his head, and then woke up, face down, nose broken, and couldn't move anything, and they fuck, and the chick that was her house, she was a lawyer, she was like, no, I'm not calling the fucking cops, I'm not calling an ambulance, I'll lose everything. For 45 minutes, she stood over and while he couldn't

fucking move, and she was was like I'm not calling anyone He fuck come on get up you fucking just fell get the fuck up. There's no way you're paralyzed Get the fuck up and and for 45 minutes She didn't want to call the cops. She was afraid she was gonna lose everything by the way She should be this barred. She was a fucking lawyer in Philadelphia. She should be this barred But it's horrible and when he hit his head and that caused the injury He had his head his head went back and he had a he had a condition where his I guess there was a not I'm a horrible listener, but not a lot of space between his vertebrae's so when he did that

It caused trauma immediately and so and so and also the other fucking saving grace or he would have sued her is So, and also the other fucking saving grace that he would have sued her is she, it didn't matter for 45 minutes, 45 minutes didn't matter, it didn't matter to get him to the hospital quicker and none of that would have changed anything. Wow.

But 45 minutes, you're laying there, you're pushing. And she's standing there. She's standing there with you. Get up. Two other girls. She's like, get up, just get up. You didn't fucking hurt yourself, get up.

And shh, man, all I think is, in that situation is Georgia, Georgia laying on the ground. I just want someone to be mindful that that's my child. And that's what I think about for everything. Is that someone's child? Like everyone's someone's child. And you just want someone to take care of, take care of the person as if it was your child.

Like going like fucking heartbreaking that you'd be. But then you don't think about that when you're sitting there pitching that you're going to marry an 18 year old next, you know, and that's the fucked up part. Yeah, that's someone's child too. Yeah, but at 18 it's not, I mean, you gotta let go of that shit. Okay. Can you imagine going into a fucking 18, like a 19, let's just make it, let's make it cool 20 years old, right? 20 years old. Yeah, nice and old.

Yeah, and you go to her house and her dad is younger than you. I said, I'd be weird. So the girl Tasha, who is my like assistant in Serbia. Beautiful, beautiful, absolutely beautiful, but her mom is more my type. And he's one day she goes, she goes. Hey, do you want to go, I have a boat. You want to take the boat out on the river and I was like, yeah, she was like we should do that And it's like go watch his sunset have some drinks and I was like I would love that and I was like you know can Andrew come He's like yeah me you and Andrew and I was like hey, can you invite your mom?

I'm not fighting my fucking What you're married I go I know I just think your mom's hot. He's a bit better. She was like, ah, no, we're not going on the river. Fuck you. Was her mom pretty hot? Her mom's really hot. Her mom's really hot and single.

She's, but her mom is like a fucking concert harp in, harp inist. Harp inist, harp in. Harp in fucking concert harp in harp in this harp in Harp in this harpy in harp in harp in harpist harpist harpist is a harpist and so is Tasha Tasha is a kind of a A cunt of fucking harpist. Okay, whatever Oh shit. It's so fucking yeah. Is concert heart, what's it? What is what? It's not a hard. Are you done learning the piano now that you got your hand back? I started playing again. I can't do that. It makes me fit. You see this and you go,

God, man, if I can do that, I'd be the best pianist. I can. Yeah, this left hand doesn't really do it yet, you know, but it's starting to get there. It looks like it's, it looks better. It's better. It's definitely better. And I can, I got risk flexion back, but, you know, it takes a while. Is that what they give you a list of things you need to get back? Yeah. Yeah. Risk flexions like one of the first ones. Risk flexion.

Yeah. I have, I got a medical grade electric muscle stimulator coming. Oh, putting that on my dick immediately. Oh, I'll do it for you. Muscle stimulator. Fucking muscle stimulate an orgasm on my dick. Just fucking put it all around. What does it look like?

Is it like a tens machine? I think so, I think it looks like it, but I haven't seen it yet, waiting for it. I have physical therapy today. Oh nice, are you in pain at all? Are you good? I'm good. What holds you back at all?

Anything? I can't, I feel weakness. Like once I, when I take this off, I can't, I can't bend like to hear. I can only bend like, I can't touch my face or anything. With that hand. With this hand. So there's still tightness.

And when I walk on the treadmill, I definitely feel tightness in this, in the tendon. Like when you wear that on stage? No. Oh, you haven't seen what I'm wearing on stage? Well, I saw, are you really going to wear that on stage? Oh, I'm really wearing that on stage. For Red Rocks?

Red Rocks, yeah, I'm going to bring it, just hit him with a little fucking fireworks every now and then. So, it won't stay on the whole time? No, it will stay on the whole, no, no, it's not going to be razzled as well the whole time. But every once in a while, I will. Every once in a while, I'm going to hit him with a little fireworks. How do you, how do you, how do you make it go on or off?

I'm flying two dudes out to operate it. Yeah, because you know what it is, is like, remember when Kevin Hart changed the game, when he put fire up behind him, hit him with a fire! And it was like so, it was a funny thing. And then there's some people that I think, I think, I think the fucking comedy's lost on them with their production value, but I saw that.

They did it as a joke, right? They did it just as a joke. And I couldn't stop laughing at how distracting it was. I couldn't. It was making me laugh so hard that I was like, and then I did the video, and the video was really funny. And immediately that I was like, and then I did the video and the video was really funny. And immediately my manager was like, are you doing that?

And everyone started hitting me up going, are you really doing that? You should do that. You should definitely do that. So I put it in the comments. And I had my team read the comments. And they're like, 96% say that's a brilliant idea. And so I was like, fuck it, it's 1200 bucks

to have this arm go off whenever I want it to. That's flying the guys out, having them operate it. And so I was like, how will you, how will you signify when you want it lit up? Hit him with the fireworks, Steve. That's the guy's name, Steve. And then, but it, and he can do, I told them if there's at times where it might apply to a joke, like they can do like the red, white, and blue flag, they can do, they can just type in like Colorado State flag

and make it look like it. That's hilarious. So, if there's a moment in a joke, and I'm gonna go through my set, but if there's a moment in joke, I might have him hit it. So, we'll see, I don't know. I'm sure I'm just gonna have him keep it off for the majority of the show,

because it's distracting as fuck to me. Yeah. But I had diarrhea for seven days straight. This is when? This is at the end of Go Big Show. Dyeri, you think? Dyeri, you think? Is it because you're eating three meals for each meal a day?

I wonder if my body was like I give up This is too much and we need to get all this out like you're going home. We can't take this with us It's almost like it's almost like Kabul in the airport like just get it out So So you were just shitting all day I was shitting I just shitting all day? I was shitting, I was shitting probably six times a day. My asshole was, I felt like it was a pro-lapse asshole.

Like tender. Yeah, and by the way, thank you for Tushy. Let me tell you something. Yeah. You never, you want to, when you have diarrhea like that, a bad day, and I shit so much that I think I like fissures on my asshole, like I think I burned holes in my asshole and I would just sit with that Tushy and it would itch my asshole I would like just let it go and just on the hardest it could go the huh and just

Oscillate and just it was almost itching my asshole for me Yes, pretty nice. It's the best and wait. Did you were you eating aggressively as you had diarrhea? Mm, yeah. I was about to say no, and then I was like, yeah, pretty aggressively. Like, would you call a tall stack of pancakes? I mean, I fucking had pancakes.

I was eating like, I was eating whatever the, and then I would catch myself eating spicy food going, what are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing? I was putting jalapenos on this thing, and I food going, what are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing? I was putting jalapenos on this thing and I was like, why are we doing this? This is a bad idea. I ate hotheads, you know, hotheads sends us hot sauces.

They have one that is fucking, it is almost uninj... I don't, I think people would qualify it as unenjoyable. I think you would qualify this hot sauce as technically ruining a meal. That's how hot it is. But for the fucking select few, like myself, that love it when it gets so hot,

you're just like, like you're making faces as you eat it. You're like, you like that. I love it. I want, I wish I knew what that hot head sauce was because it's so fucking good. It's so hot, I put it on pie at last night. I don't even, oh, so goddamn good. But theoretically, if you gave it to someone,

if you said, here's two dishes, I'm gonna put this topping on this one and then one on that one, nothing on that one. Take a bite of the not one, You gotta take a bite and go. It tastes good. You go take a bite of the other one. I can't taste anything. My mouth's on fire.

I'm sweating. I think I'm gonna throw up and you're like, yeah, that's what bird likes. That's what you like. How do you like that? I have no idea. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no.

There's gotta be some, what, type in, why do people like hot sauce? It's kind of, there's, because it isn't enjoyable. Yeah, I used to put it on more. I use less than I used to know. It releases endorphins. Oh. We've got instant feeling of pleasure from head to toe.

People crave the sweetness of the food, the same way they crave sweet and salty. Yeah, I fucking love it. But there is stuff that's too hot, right? That's the one I'm talking about. But isn't that like the bomb, when you know on hot ones, dude, he does it, you get it eighth instead of tenth,

and you're like, I'm gonna die. The bomb is an interesting hot sauce in my opinion because the first time I had it, I said, this is the hottest hot sauce I've ever had in my life. And I qualify that as not enjoyable. No, it's a total meal, Roe and her. But, but, if you put it on a gravy, right? Like so, Leanne makes those country fried steaks

and I will take them and I'll Cut them into bites and I'll put it covered in gravy and then I'll put just a dab of debauch on There and fuck I remember telling someone I remember telling someone who liked hot sauces I was like just you know this is really hot and they're like nah I'm good with hot sauces I was like no this is like hey let's start a TV show about how hot this is and then film people Eating how hot this is and then to film people eating how hot this is. And then we get millions and millions of views. And they're like, I don't get it.

And they go, it's called hot ones. And this is the fucking, this is the hot sauce that's worse than all of them. And they took a bite. And they're like, why would you have that? That isn't, who does this? And I was like, I love it. I love it. I don't know why I like it.

You like the bomb? I put the bomb on, like I'll like, I love it. I love it. I don't know why I like it. You like the bomb? I put the bomb on, like I'll put the bomb on stuff. Like in a chili, I'll put the bomb in chili. But does it, you kinda dilute it though a little bit? I like dilute it. You can't go, you can't, like the way that you do it on Hot Ones with the Wing.

That's like, oh my god. I'm just making my stomach like rumble right now. Wait, oh my god, I forgot to tell you the one of the funniest, okay. I wanna do, I wish you could do stand up about seeing things that you can't explain why they're so funny, but in the moment, it's the most brilliant interaction ever, okay?

So I thought of this one that reminded me of this one. So I was at a Buffalo Wild Wings, and I'm sure I've told you about this. I was at a Buffalo Wild Wings, I'm sure I've told you about this. I was at a Buffalo Wild Wings. I wish I could tell you exactly where it was. I'm by myself on the road. I love Buffalo Wild Wings. I've been kicked out of three of them.

I go. And by the way, for bullshit reasons. One is I took my shirt off at a kind of a Gregor fight. And they were like, you need to leave now. And I was like, there's a child in here. And then, and then two were in Utah for standing and drinking. Come on, let's get fucking real, Utah. You can't stand and drink, because then kids might see you standing and drinking.

Yeah, you can't stand and drink in Utah. You cannot stand and hold a beverage. You can have it at your table and drink it like a Mormon. Or, you can stand and drink and they kick you out twice. That happened to me twice. The second time I was like, there's no way this is real. So, I'm in a Buffalo Wild Wings and I hear a young couple,

like I'd say 16 years old, 17 years old, first date type shit, right? Sit down, I'd say three first date type shit, right? Sit down. I'd say three tables away from me, right? But just catty corner so I can, I'm hearing all the things and it's fucking adorable. He's like, he's a good seat and she's like, it is. And he's like, are you like a soda person?

And she was like, I am. And he goes, what's your favorite soda? And it's like I am. And he goes, switch your favorite soda. And it's like first date. And she goes, I like Sprite. And he goes, I like Sprite also. And the lady comes up and she goes, can I get you guys something to drink? And any orders for both of them.

We'll both have strep Sprite. She goes, awesome. And she walks away. And I'm like, oh, how cool is this? Like a first date. And then the lady comes back. And the kid is in charge now, right? He's feeling his balls and he's like, he's like, I know what we're doing, I know what we're doing.

And the lady comes back and he's like, I think we'll both be doing the Buffalo Wild Wings challenge. And I'm fucking, I'm like, okay, I'm fucking, this is my favorite meal ever. So then the same flight weight which comes to me and I go, hey, can I get the Buffalo Wild Wings challenge also? I wanna see how hot these are. And she was like, she was like, yeah, no one gets them.

It's like, if you get, type in what the Buffalo Wild Wings challenge is. It's like their hottest fucking 10 wings. I don't even think you win anything, but you gotta eat their hot sound as 10 wings. This is a horrible thing to do on a date, especially. It's on a first date, on a, the fucking 10 wings. I don't even think you win anything, but you gotta eat their hot sound as 10 wings. This is a horrible thing to do on a date, especially if you're a star. It's on a first date, on a,

the blazing challenge, the blazing challenge, right? So it doesn't even matter, they're so fucking hot. They're so fucking hot. I take a bite of one and I no longer can feel my mouth. You can just turn it, I don't, look, anyone who vomits or regurgitates during the challenges is officially disqualified. So this guy, this guy and this girl, and the girl's like, is this fun? And he was like, oh yeah, he's like, my older brother and I did it.

And listening to him, pitch it to his girlfriend this first date, and I could not stop fucking laughing. Because I got the wings, I tried the wings, and they're fucking unimaginably hot. Now, this is the one that just happened to me today, and I wanted to tell you today. Now, there's a couple levels to this, okay? Okay. David, tell you about the time I sneezed

and that Chinese ladies mouth. I remember. I never told you this. Maybe. It sounds vaguely familiar. So I was in Chicago over by that bean, you know, that big bean is. And by the way, this is all trackable. You can find this.

You can, this is a true story. You can find this. So there's a Dunkin' Donuts in the subway station near that bean. It's like with with within walking distance. And I'm with my friend, I think I'm with my friend Stacy. Or no, I'm with, I'm with, I can't remember, I think I was with this girl Heidi. And she, we were ordering coffees and donuts

for all the trip flip crew, like all our crew. So I had two dozen donuts. I had two coffees. And so what dozen donuts. I had two coffees. And so what I did is I had the coffees in my hand and the donuts in my arms, right? So I was gonna carry them and I was just going up to the top to, I think our hotel was right there. And as I have the coffees in my hands

and the donuts in my arms, I feel like I have to sneeze. And I'm like, and I don't want to sneeze on Heidi or the Dunkin' Donut lady. So I just real quick turn around and sneeze and as I sneeze There's this Chinese woman with her mouth open like this And I sneezed into her mouth I Oh my god. She's like, she looks like she's just, I'm gonna be sick now. I'm gonna go, yeah, you think I think you are? I said, can I buy you a coffee? She goes, you think a coffee is gonna make this okay?

I can't, I can't stop laughing though, because I sneezed in her mouth. I, you know what. I get a controllably laughing. And I'm just doing this to her. And I go, I can't just go, I sneeze in your mouth. Because if he's right in your mouth, I mean, I almost hurt myself, I was that close. Okay, okay, all right. This is the story that I wanted to tell you about. Okay. So I'm driving here and I'm next to this Asian woman

in a big white SUV and a dude, this is gonna sound like I'm making this up, I'm not making this up. A dude in swim shoes, a bathing suit, a life vest, like an outdoors hat, like a full-surround outter hat with a thing tied in, and a paddle, as if he's lost his kayak, is walking across the street. He is in swimshoes, swim trunks, a life vest,

a swim shirt, got his hat on, and he's got a kayak paddle in his hand, is walking across the crosswalk. As you're looking for his kayak. Looking for his kayak, and I watch him, and he's not crazy, he looks like a time traveler, and he's walking across the street, and I track him walking across,

and I'm thinking, where the, what the fuck? And I look, and then I see the Asian lady, tracking him too, and as she tracks this way, she then then cuts to me looks at me in her car and just goes Yeah, I've had moments like that. I had a moment like that here like a week ago And I've had it a few times where you ever go to, you're at a stoplight and the car in front of you just goes. You know, just like, it's waiting. And then they just drive through the red light and you're like, what are you doing?

And then you, I look at the driver next to me, he's like, fuck's happening. I was like, I know. And you just kind of want to be like, what's hanging out, man? What's hanging out? I told you about the time, I know I've told you about the time. I tried, I used to do this as a bit.

This is probably almost 18 years ago this happened to me. I was driving on Venice and taking a left on like La Sienaica, I think, or not La Sienaica, maybe La Sienaica Le Bré around there, but on Venice going that direction and it's nighttime and and I hear just boom

like just bass like Loudass bass and a Hoopty like like fucking like an Impala what like a gold Impala. What like a gold Impala like like that kind of car pulls up cany code of paint all over it, pulls up and I and it's just loud as shit. And my natural instinct is to look. I want to see the car, I want to see the person driving it.

I'm assuming it's a black dude, right? I'm assuming it's a black dude. Who if I look, he'd be like, what the fuck you looking at? Mother fucker. That's what my head I'm thinking, right? I black dude who if I look he'd be like what the fuck you looking at mother fucker That's my head. I'm thinking right? I don't look but I don't look I don't look and then finally I just Peak out of the corner my eye and it is a black dude and he's eating a candy coated apple He's doing Softest thing you could ever do just eating a candy coated apple and I looked at him and I was like hey, and he was like the most softest thing you could ever do. Just eating a candy-coated apple.

And I looked at him and I was like, hey, and he was like, hey, like, these are awesome, are they? And this is the fucking, the unthuggest thing I've ever seen in my life. Just candy-coated apple. Haven't had a candy-coated apple in so long. Haven't had one in forever. I don't think I've ever had one.

Really? I've never had a candy-coated apple now that I think about it. We should go on a candy run. You're gonna go to a candy store? That's the... I would, by the way, wish you were here. We could just... I bet you could shut one down, dude. I think what we should do. Let's do a live show. Okay. Where would the fuck would we do that? We would have to do it in LA, right?

Yeah, we could do it in LA. When can we do it? Can we do it in the set, no, we don't need to fucking do it, like a month out or some shit. We could do it in the end. How quick can we put one on? When's your next, your mom's house live? September 22nd.

Fuck. We could do one October November. You want to do one for my birthday? Oh, fuck, I'm thinking I'm working on my birthday. What's your birthday at 5th? The third. A howled you turn? In the 40s, something.

49. I'm going to be 49. What should I do for my 50th birthday? Uh, blowout, bro. Right. Come on. Of course. That's the last big hurrah. At 60, it's just like, well, we'll see, you know,

we'll send them off in the pasture. Yeah. But 50 is like, it's gotta be a blowout, dude. Yeah. Okay. Give a year to plan for it. 50th birthday. What, do you think I should do destination birthday and invite all my friends? Yes. Yeah, give a year to plan for it. Fiftyth birthday.

What do you think I should do destination birthday and invite all my friends? Yes, destination birthday. Yes, both my daughters will be in college. Holy shit. God. Destination. What are you thinking? Where are you thinking?

Croatia. That's where you want to go. Yeah, nobody's November. It's November. So it's got, we got to, oh, we're, we should go somewhere where you want to go. Yeah, nobody's November. It's November. So it's got we got to oh We're we should go somewhere where the leaves are changing. It's autumn. It's kind of cool out. We can wear like nice sweaters like Where would be a good somewhere in Canada? That could be Idaho Idaho. Wyoming. Oh Montana. Yeah, Montana is the shit.

And I reclaim my manly hood in Montana, where we're just hunting, and fishing, and getting on horses, and fucking yeah. Yeah. My wife is fucking huge cabin. I told a scenario about Leanne's looking really good. I don't know, I think I don't know what happened,

but she's looking really good lately. I don't know what I think she, I don't know what happened, but she's looking really good lately. I don't know what happened. No, but I mean, she's been like over stressed. And when you see her, her face is just doing this all the time. And you're just like, ugh. And so, but yesterday, all of a sudden, she had this like spring in her step, and her face was like shiny.

Like, she looked great. And I, I was telling the scenario, she got offended by it. She can get offended by it, but I was saying like, I was talking about Red Rocks, and I was like, oh, it's gonna be fucking great. When we go to Jimmy Buffett, and we're gonna be fucking, blah, blah, we're gonna have a great time

when you're on mushrooms and lands, it's gonna just be like kissing me and go, get over here and finger this pussy. And she was like, I'm never gonna say, get over here and finger this pussy. Why not? Yeah, I was like, why not? See, that's where the disconnect, I need you to say, and that will happen in Montana. She'll be like, get on over here and finger this pussy. Why not? Yeah, it's like, why not? See, that's where the disconnect, I need you to say,

and that will happen in Montana. She'll be like, get on over here and finger this pussy. Yeah. Destination, Montana. Okay, you wanna know, you wanna know the real baller move? Okay. Yeah, okay. Can I just plant this seed?

And then you should. Sure. And then you need you to harvest this for me. 50th birthday, yeah, we all go to this beautiful ranch in Montana We have a great like great great great weekend But blast and then on the last night there, right last night there Leanne this is a part you gotta get Leanne puts down the deep and goes this ranch is yours That's fucking awesome.

Fucking awesome, right? She won't do it though, bro. No, shit, she sucks. Yeah. Or, okay, I got an eye on something for you for your birthday. Really? It's about $211,000. Wait a minute, I gotta get your birthday present ready. Yeah, I'm starting to get nervous about birthday presents, because I Wait a minute, I got to get your birthday present ready.

Yeah, I'm starting to get nervous about birthday presents because I think we've, I think we might have fucking made this deal with the devil. Cause I'm like, I'm looking at birthday presents for you right now. Yeah, cause you got me the fucking C2. You think some high powered, you know, artillery shit? Is that exciting to you? Mm-hmm. Okay. I'll tell you what I want. I mean, honestly? I'm sure I want

Leon there. For my 50th, it would be great to just like, I'm talking like you've ever seen the video where they drop the bomb into that little sleeve and then they all go like this. I wanna do that shit. Wait, what? I don't know, let's just join the military. I guess you wanna blow shit up. That would be cool. I have a fantasy, not a fantasy,

but I keep thinking in my head, if there was a, I'm on the road, right? And there's a tackle in LA. And my family dies that I turn into a fucking mercenary and I just go in black water style and start murdering people in Afghanistan. You just, you just picked that destination? Because Afghanistan is our biggest enemy.

I think these days that are China. I'll go into China and just start fucking slaughtering people. Kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh Lottering people Yeah It brings it dies Like some real rambos shit dude. I'm really into black water these days I don't read no pump black water Is that your flip-flop company? No, that's free water. Oh, sorry No black water was the the mercenaries that did that took care of Iran. Do you think you think Sodom who's saying how to biday? Yeah, I do. I think a lot of his palaces were equipped with him.

I'll tell you one thing that is probably an unpopular opinion. That's gonna be the name of my next special unpopular opinions. Sodom who's saying, no, I'm joking. Sodom was saying, went out like a fucking gangster. You think so? Yeah. Have you ever seen this fucking execution footage? Yeah, he was talking shit to the guy before. Yeah, just like a fuck you, fuck all of you.

That was me, Odomin, like... Cry. Please don't do this, please don't do this. No, no, no, no, no, I don't wanna die. I guess you guys don't remember where the treasure is. I'm like, there's a treasure? I go, I have to kill me. You're never going to find it.

I'd be like, Ted Bunny. You know, it's what Ted Bunny did. You guys want to know where the other bodies are? You're like, oh, yeah. You're not that tough. In the crazy that we celebrate, like, there's documentaries on Ted Bunny. Ted Bunny. So many, and they never stop making them.

Yeah, there's so many documentaries on him him and he caused so much tragedy and so many people's lives. Yeah. And I understand that that people are like, stop making shit about this guy. We get it. We get the story. Harvey Weinstein did nothing compared to Ted Bundy. Right.

But there will never be a documentary on Harvey. It's crazy that like the shit there's already a documentary about Harvey. Like, it's crazy that like the shit. There's already a documentary about Harvey. There might be, there might be. Yeah. But no, but you think of like where cancel culture is and you go, you go, a, a, a, a season sorry, did nothing compared to Ted Bundy.

But if Ted Bundy showed up today, they're like, oh my god, give him a talk show. I'd love to hear how you killed more people. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's just a fascination. Can you imagine if that was your daughter that was killed and then all of a sudden everyone's got fucking, he's trending on Netflix and you're like, what the fuck?

Always, always. And they've made a few scripted movies about him now and documentaries and TV shows and they keep making them. It's fucking crazy. John Wayne Gacy. You know, I get chill bumps when I think of how John Wayne Gacy used to kill his people. Oh my God. He would do this thing where he'd go, he had trick handcuffs.

Yeah. And he'd go, they had trick handcuffs and the kid would be like, for real, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, here handcuff me. So the kid would handcuff him. And then he'd get out of him and he'd go, they'll trick handcuffs and the kid would be like, for real, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, here handcuff me. So the kid would handcuff him and then he'd get out of him and he'd like, see, he's like, here, I'll do it to you. And he was like, okay, put his hand by his back and they put on real handcuffs. Life shouldn't, that shouldn't have to happen in life.

That shouldn't, that shouldn't be something that's outlawed. That, I mean, it is outlawed, but like, the idea that that your life could have that in it and that's how it is outlawed, but like the idea that that your life could have that in it, and that's how it ends, that's horrific. That's what's fucking me up about my arm, is the fragility of life is like killing me, that it's just a harrow away from, oh shit, I don't know how I'll ever deal with this. Ooh, what a great way to leave a podcast, huh? Yeah, the whole John Wayne Gacy, if I can leap off, was nice.

Top 10 serial killers. Who do you think they're on? See if you can name the top 10 serial killers. What do you mean by top 10 though? Let's do top. No, it's just top name. If they're top. Let's do top known it's just top name if they're top All right, if you said top 10 most Google or whatever serial killers like the ones that are the biggest it's can you name them?

Well the ones that are the most Google yeah, we can probably figure that out or close to it I mean, it's probably definitely Bundy Bundy Gacy Gacy Domer yep, I got that one too. I mean, Berkowitz. Right. It's on the same. Yeah. I don't know.

It's your Ramirez. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. He'd be up there. Eileen Wernos. Oh, shit. I forgot about her.

And then there's, Henry Lee Lucas, even though there's that whole story is about how much of his shit was made up. And then... Type in, give me a list of top 10 serial killers and see if we're on track. Ted Bundy is number one, okay. Pedro Lopez, what the fuck? But you specifically said most Googled.

Oh, yeah, but who's Pedro Lopez? Go go back, go back, go back, go back. He sounds like a middle-infielder. He was in 300 murders in Columbia and Ecuador. Oh, yeah. That's representation. Yeah. Tribal women, after the 80s, they found 50 of his pre-teen victims. The graves of 50 of his pre-teen victims. What was that guy? What was the LA guy?

Remember the guy they only got him a few years ago? And he- That's one Patent Oswald's wife's wife solved right? No, no that's that's also super prolific that you're talking about the Golden State killer. I'm talking about the South LA guy. You know what I'm talking about? There's a South LA Lonnie Lonnie something is his name. This guy. Lonnie, Lonnie something is his name. This guy, the grim sleeper. The grim sleeper. Yeah.

Lonnie David. Yeah, look at my look at his. He just died. Yeah. How many people is he responsible for? Would have probably say somewhere in there. I can't read it. Responsible for at least 10 murders and one attempted murder in Los Angeles from 1985 to

2007. Oh my God. He was killing mostly, I think, black prostitutes and they just didn't even... And no, I guarantee no one gave a fuck. Yeah, they didn't put any effort into it. The Grim sleeper. What? See, I think the problem is they're giving them cool names.

So if you gave them really bad names like the the little dick bandit. Yeah, then you would be like, I don't get to go back to your go back to that list you had before this. The Grim we were looking at sleep. Yeah, Jack the Ripper. We Jack Ripper is fucking OG Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah. Jack the Ripper, Jack Ripper is fucking OG. Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah. Yeah, we listen to him. It's like they, they call Jeffrey Dahmer the gay cannibal.

He'd be like, guys, hold on. It's not exactly what I was doing. Dr. Death, who's Dr. Death? No. What year is it? 2004? Between 1972 and 1998. See, Dr. Death, the fucking Grim sleeper,

the night stalker, they're cool nicknames. If they gave him bad nicknames, like the probably got molested by his father but really wanted to fuck his mother killer. I don't know, that might make them kill more. Yeah, maybe you don't want to piss them off. Yeah. We should come up with our serial killer nicknames.

Hey, see if there's a way to come up with your serial killer name, because you know there's like your porn star name. Oh yeah, and your RooTang name. Oh, you got RooTang names? Oh yeah. Yeah. Killer name generator.

This is insane that I can't believe that I just thought of this and this is something someone did. All right, how do we come up with it? Does it tell you? Is there a husband? Yeah, I guess we just put it in here. Let's see.

Let's just put in Tom's name. No, I think I did this wrong Give me a second killer name generators by the way the trash can butcher was one of them There's a serial killer name generator there Yep, so What generation what year were you born in birth 1972 Gen X I'm Gen X What do you currently doing life life? You do not work in it. Oh You do not work in an office. Yep What is your deepest desire inner and outer piece a compassionate world personal growth finding true love understanding other people personal growth?

What you say is your strongest quality stand up growth. What would you say is your strongest quality? Stand up. What is it? Confidence strength creativity creativity creativity. Boy this is a big old test. Jesus how many pieces? Keep going keep going. What role do you play in your friendships? I like to make my friends laugh. That's it, that's it, that's it. How often do you work out? Every day, all day. Why did you take this test? I'm looking to kill people. Is that one of the things? It looked fun. I was bored. My friends encouraged me to do so. All the above, none of the above. All the above. Okay, my zero kill. What do you dream about when you sleep? I dream fucking crazy shit. Do you dream that you're drowning,

fighting a running away from war? You dream about flying, dream about animals? I dream about flying. Oh my God, how many fucking... Right, this is just a mod. Hey, just start answering Willie Nilly. Doesn't matter, I just want a name. Just click him and go next.

Click it, doesn't matter next. And then pick one of these, I'm a male. Type your name here. I thought you were giving me the fucking name. Prosecuting me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are we prosecuting me? Let's still put my Kenneth,

Killer, Atama Sheds. This is terrible. Go to Wu Tang name generator. Go to Wu Tang. It's so much more fun. I'm just kill under that name quicker. Wu Tang generator. All right. So Tom Segura from this day forward. You will also be known as rough overlord. Type in Berk, Christ. I only see what I want to have. My name is Yep. All right, Bert Kreischer from this day forward, you will also be known as misunderstood warrior. That's a fucking sounds like me. Yeah, that sound like you. Misunderstood warrior.

All right. What's the rest of your day look like? Mine? Yeah. Did you get to pick up truck yet? No, I don't have a truck yet okay good idea um I'm gonna send um anti aircraft to think to your house for check out see if we can set it up in your backyard yeah I'm going to do Rogan today um that's gonna be a big podcast that'll be

fun and then um yeah I already worked out this morning, feeling good. Can eat some chicken. Hopefully I won't shit like I did yesterday where there's meatballs coming out of a Glad bag. And that was a good analogy though, right? That was really good. Yeah. Yeah.

It's fun to see you, man. Kill it this week at Red Rocks. I'm excited for you. Yeah, thank you. What am I going to see you in person again? So I would see you next week When I'm I'm in LA Sorry, not that this week when you're in when you're in Colorado

I'll be in LA. Okay, and then I'll be in LA again In October You're gonna have to come out to Austin sometime soon. So you're not in, and we're not, we can we do a live, can we do a live one in a temporary studio in September in Austin?

I think so. Yeah. Why don't we do a two bears one cave in Joe's podcast studio? We can. See if we can borrow Joe's podcast studio and I'll fly out in September just come down for a day or two. Oh we can do that. And then did I can you be down there for that? Yeah I will have already been moved down there. Okay so I want to do I want to do another live one I missed I'm missing the live ones. Live ones are fun. Yeah. Let me let me

well you just text me your you know the days you can do it. Okay. All right. All right. All right. Love you, buddy. I love you too, man. They'll keep clean, here's what we call Two bears one cave No scripts to be the booze amateur Protology, dirty jokes, rancher humor No apologies, here's what we call Two bears one cave