2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 99 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Ari Shaffir & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://EstablishedTitles.com/BEARS to become a Lord today and get 10% off. - Go to https://babbel.com and use promo code BEARS for an extra three months of Babbel FREE. - Head to https://PolicyGenius.com/CAVE to get started right now. Policygenius. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right. - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “Bears” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Get 20% Off + Free Shipping at https://Manscaped.com/BEARS - Go to https://Amazon.com/CAVE to try Amazon Music Unlimited FREE for 30 days! - Visit https://SimpliSafe.com/bears for 20% off your entire new system and your first month of monitoring service FREE, when you enroll in Interactive Monitoring. Ari Shaffir sits in for Tom Segura with Bert Kresicher for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. Ari and Bert discuss the "NYC Still Rising After 20 Years" comedy benefit at Madison Square Garden that Tom performed at. They try to guess the lineup which also included Jimmy Fallon, Jon Stewart, Pete Davidson, Amy Schumer, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Bill Burr, John Mulaney and many more. Bert shares a video from a surfer who talks about exploiting places you visit, which leads to a conversation about geo-tagging. They also talk Bert's Red Rocks show, Sober October, ugly people wearing face masks, and debate about which of them is the better backgammon player.

And we did the first weight loss challenge. I remember I was like I think I'm gonna fucking lose this challenge I'm not doing it the right way. I'm doing it the wrong way and it's you're not gonna win with the wrong way I go wrong. I was taking Xanax and ambien like offsetting them so I'd sleep and just not eat that way 100% Pull up the fucking lineup You're telling me that Dave she bells They had to figure out how to get the ship fell on top and make it fair for everybody else and so see they did it with see Pull it up. Let me see. So it's got to be Colin Quinn's get the bottom Colin Quinn's at the bottom

David tells gotta be number one. Yeah, Ronnie Chang uses spell his name CH a and g They made him change it for for this thing. That's truth. I Get you pull it up the dog Thompson to hey guys new two bears one cave. Okay. Oh, that's his part of Dave Chappelle lineup. This is it that's MSG MSG is it's interesting. That's also something they put in Asian food Dave oh, so Chappelle didn it. Yeah, it is. It is. It is. Dave, it's hell. Bill. Oh, so the ship hell wasn't on top. Yeah. No, that's oh, so they did do it. How vertical? I guess that is a shit show.

Cause you're like, who does go on top? Who does? Let's me and you do this. Yeah, right. Chang spells his name. Here we go. Way wrong. Yeah. Okay. This, let's get in trouble with friends. Okay. You are being doing it by billing or who should open? Who should? Who should? oh, we're gonna go, who closes it and who's, no one's gonna allow us to pal, that might go four hours. So no one's gonna let us go.

No one's gonna let us go. Burr has gotta go late. You can't, yeah, but you can't put him right before she pal. You could, are there any missions? Do you remember when I was doing this not happy to live ones and there was one, it was just a stack lineup and it was like

Rogan Burr, maybe you all in one and then I was Burr, you're gonna run last. He's like why don't you go on last? Because you became the best comic in the world dude. Yeah, so sorry, you're going on last. Burr, one time I was doing a show and with Burr and they were and I was hosting so I was hosting hosting and then I was first All Things Comedy and at the very right before he went on, they were like, hey, can you do some material? And I was like, oh yeah, sure. It started chanting the machine and I go, and I hear him through the screen,

don't fucking do it, don't fucking do it. All right, let's go back to the MSG lineup, okay? Okay, okay, so, all right, first thing going first. Let's see, let let's say it could be Joe's and Che together because I could see them hosting. Yeah, okay, okay, then let's do that. Joe's and Che are hosting Joe's and Che are hosting or to be found at could host because he's got to be the weakest com. No, I like that because I've never seen Joe's or Che stand up. So I like having them host having them together. Yeah, and they're funny together really

funny. They're really funny. Joe's stand chase playing time. When they do the thing where Michael T. writes the joke for Colin Joe and he has to read it is my favorite fucking thing. Why is that? Why is that? Because it's just racist. It's just him writing racist jokes for his friend to say. Because they've been read creatively. They've been read creatively. I'm gonna write really racist things. And what it's amazing is woke SNL like I don't know anyone that works at SNL, but like I'm certain there's got to be a wokeness to it. Well, yeah. And so they pitch that and then all of a sudden no one can go, hey man, racism isn't funny. Well, they're also like, you can't do that.

Like black guy suggested it, like do it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nomilitary, right? He's, he's, get this. I don't know if I'm a lot of this is or not. He's also Alex Jones' bodyguard, okay? Really? Yeah. Man, he was so fun. It's hard, but he goes, what about the vaccine? Now I'm talking to a black dude first, right? Military second, Alex Jones' bodyguard third.

Yeah. So I go, I don't know, I mean, you know, I'm like, how do I fucking do this? I go, I go back to understand, you know, I know, I'm like, how do I fucking do this? I go, I go out to understand, you know, I go, I think everyone should get about I can understand, you know, if a black guy does one, get it, because then he goes, why? And I went, oh, fuck, this isn't going on the bottom.

I don't think that's out, just out. So I just say the end word, throw my drink on the ground and run. He's throwing out. He runs like a flashback. Okay, so we gonna have Michael TAY. J and Joe, J and Joe's host. Hey, host, is that how have Michael Tay. Jay and Joe. Joe's host.

Is that how funny Michael, Michael Tay is really funny, right? It's a comp. Stand up, stand up. Right? Legit. You know who I ran into the first, for the first time ever, with Sam Jay. She's great too.

She is a fucking. She's also. I mean, sure, this is lots of great comics. So it's like, you can say that all you want, but like, she's so fun to drink with. She was, I was random. We were drinking. And I just walked up to her. I was like, she's so fun to drink with. She was, I was random, we were drinking. And I just walked up to her.

I was like, she gets more and more argumentative. Sometimes she ain't gonna be sitting there. And we're all talking. And then Sam's right, we're all talking to have fun shooting shit, making fun of you, a black, a white, we know whatever. And then it just starts to get more and more heated as they charge drinking more.

And then everyone just sits back. Just sit, I gotta get her on my podcast. Sam's right there. She looks here now. She looks here? She looks like two months. Oh, nice. Okay, so, and then we're gonna put Jimmy Fallon first. Jimmy Fallon's gonna open the show.

Probably the least accomplished stand-up on this list. No, I don't mean that shitty, but he is. The least accomplished stand-up on this list. He'll get a big fucking roar, ladies and gentlemen, kicking over a show or opening comic. Jimmy Fallon, yeah, he brings out his guitar. Sing's a song, plays goes nuts. Now, while he was hosting SNL, we can update,

he came into the store as Sobel, and he was like, can I go on? Or maybe so blessed, can he go on? And I had to call Mitzi to ask permission. Wow. And she was like, let me think about it. I think I saw Jimmy Fallon when I first started standup. Yeah.

I think he was doing clubs with his guitar He was a stand up. He started as a stand up. He was a straight stand up. Yeah, okay Um, but I think I think just on this list you're talking about oh man, who's good now? Yeah, who's who's working now and who's got the best material? Yeah, I'll tell you right now I would much rather follow Jimmy Fallon than fucking John Mul. Jimmy found in... I heard John Mulaney's new material. I heard his... Destroying. I love John Mulaney.

I love John Mulaney. He came up to you one night at the store. Yeah. I guess we can say it now. Fucking faded. No one knows. He grew up in theaters. None of those people come out clean from that.

Are you nuts? That's the fucking most degenerate world. He came up to me and I was like, because one of my favorite John Malay stories, he told on Marin and it was, he used to love to do Coke and listen to Steely Dan and I immediately was like, this is the coolest guy alive. He's so cool. This is my definition of cool guy.

Like, put some suit and everybody's like, oh, I guess you must be like a twink. I know, but no, I don't think, I don't think, I'm gonna have a catch with them. I don't think you can throw a baseball, but no, I don't think I don't think, I'm gonna have a catch with them. I don't think you can throw a baseball, but like I'm pretty certain John Mulaney, I've seen him sit down on a couch and it looks awkward. You might be right up there.

Yeah, I don't think John Mulaney is throwing out the first pitch and he's time to soon for a fucking meds game, okay? Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I can see him. John Mulaney, he's going up there. Oh, hi everybody, it's nice to have him's got one up there. Hi, everybody. It's nice to have him up itself.

Dude, him doing coke and listening to Steely Dan is the most gangster fucking way to do coke. He did it by himself. He's doing coke by himself. By himself in his dorm room. Oh, maybe Jewish industry rubbed off on him. And if you get fucked up enough, Steely Dan talks to you. Me, me more with the guitar. Steely Dan, is that that one? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because I think when I think John Mulaney, I think Steely Dan. Now.

Now when I think John Mulaney, my first thought is Steely Dan and cocaine. I didn't know how well he was doing before and he had moved to I'd seen him. He was me and David Taylor at scene him and I was like, hey man, like you're really funny. He was doing that to John Waterston impression still. With that long ago. Yeah. And was like, you want to come into the store and get into the store. This is back then before you get out there.

I'm like, I can help get you in. I think you'd be great there. And he was like, oh, cool thanks. I'm not around much. I didn't realize he was already like, oh, I'm launched. It was funny. Someone told me, very young with John Maynard.

He was like, hey, I think John Maynard stole a joke from you. And I was like, I don't know who John Maynard is. This is like, this is like 12, 13 years ago, maybe even longer. And they're like, he's a really funny comic. Can I go, it was the joke about, you ever go drinking and you wake up in the next morning and you're like, you're like, I have no money.

You're like, the only thing scary that I was waking up and finding, I'm 150 bucks, you're like, what the fuck did I do last night? Check your asshole, you're like, oh God. And they're like, he's got a similar joke. I go, well, it's just a joke. That's why I got away from fucking straight jokes. Like joke jokes.

Jokes. Because anyone can write them. And by the way, then John Malini starts blowing up. And I took it as a compliment that my writing was good. It was good enough for him. Yeah. I was like, nice. I'm parallel thinking with John Malini.

Yeah, I remember the first time you get a joke still and it didn't happen much. It really is an overhyped thing. But like, when you do buy an older, you're just like, oh, like that part of you is like yeah That's thanks dude You can I tell you would and not let's spend let's spend some time talking about celebrating John Mulaney Okay, I love we were driving to a Dodgers game one time and I la had watched John Mulaney's special with Georgia Gorgeous kid gorgeous. Yeah, and where his he had the joke about the guy said punch out the tail light and wave your hand

What am I supposed to punch out the tail light and wave your hand? I don't know that's the point one of the punchlines She was reciting it to the kids in the car She was reciting John Mulaney to the kids in the car and I heard her and I use her for all my material And I thought she had come up with this it's a John Mulaney bit and you're like and I am brilliant crying laughing going Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. And I was like, I have the greatest fucking bit. I go, wait, what did this? You were gonna steal from your daughter instead of fucking,

instead of fucking push her towards greatness? Heartbeat, you were gonna have her leg out from being, she could have been one of the greats and you're like, no, I'll take any ounce of fucking future she has. She goes, no, the guy, I go, I'll have started over, started over, what happened? I'll pull it up right there. She's like, and this guy comes into our school

and you know, who are we supposed? It's a big, John L. She's like, this guy comes into our school and who are we supposed to, it's a big John Malaney bit about this guy talking about safety with kids. And he's like, you know, if they throw you into trunk, you're supposed to punch out the window. And she's like, what am I gonna do? Punch out the window and wave with my little fifth grade hand. And I was like, I'm crying laughing.

And my buddy Eric F*** goes, that's a good bit. And I was like, oh, it's amazing. And he goes, it's John Malaney. And I go, what? I go, wait, did you write the island? She goes, no, this is some guy did. And I go, hey, you can't be doing other people's material in the car, because I'm gonna fucking take it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chris Harbick is having a good joke about it. He goes, the other day I was, and by I was, I mean me or one of my non-commediant friends, was going to the store. By the way, I love when people go to rehab everyone celebrates the strength of them changing How what about the guys like me who have been white knuckling it for fucking 27 years? That's right. No rehab necessary and I'm still fucking my wife fucking 18 years later

I'm staring at whoever no no never applause every season whether you watch two or not He's taking it away two years old. I I wanna see you guys fuck a 52 year old. Fucking come on man. Did I used to steal jokes in fourth grade? I stole Eddie Murphy's raw or one of those. And my friends called me like, man, bitches these days, you know, he used to be just kicking out of the car and I was like, get the fuck out.

And everyone was like, are you, you don't drive? It's fourth grade. What are you you're you don't dry. It's fourth grade I have a visual of a dreaded one of these called dreadlocks dreadlocked Seen it with the with the fucking wavy gravy hat the fucking look like a fucking cowboy but that does mushrooms And already walking I got walking I gotta turn quick Your fuck around get aids up in this Come out

That's so fucking funny You're the first I was not new- He's not feared in the acidic Jewish community. How's it gonna get in? I don't know. I guess sweet. They meet their wives for like a month before they marry him. You go on dates in public places, just to discuss like the logistics,

like how many kids do you want, do you want to move to Israel or not? If that doesn't match up, like best of luck, enjoy getting home. Oh, I remember. And then if it does, then you're like, best of luck. Enjoy getting home. And then if it does, then you're like, well, let's discuss this further. There's this, we will live next to this Jewish couple,

a Hasidic Jewish couple. Good neighborhood, I assume. It was a great neighborhood. Yeah. F***. That's not the old. Actually, you might want to believe it out. They might live there still.

Oh, dude, you know how many crank, I'll get a, how many crank calls my old phone number gets? I'd change my fucking phone number. I'd change my fucking phone number. I had to change my fucking phone number because people got my number and it was right before my surgery and they were tweeting, texting, texting me. It's different. When they, you can get into someone's life immediately,

you're like, oh, what's this? What's your new number? I don't know, fuck. I actually don't know it. I actually don't know what I call my doctor today to get prescription and refill my white smoke on it. And they were like, what's your phone number? And I was like, I don't know it. I actually don't know what I call my doctor today to get prescription and refill my, but what's your phone number? And I was like, I don't know.

And they're like, how do you not know your phone number? And I was like, fuck off dude. You're a fucking pharmacist. Don't act like you're better than me. Fucking fake ass doctor. Fucking pharmacist. So wait, clerk. Drug clerk.

The first, what's crazy is, what's really crazy is the people that were the meanest started off the nicest. What do you mean? Like this one guy had texted and calling it. He texted me, like, like, hey man, you're, you know, you're real funny or whatever and then I was like, oh thanks and then he texted like three or four times and he was drunk and then it just turned nasty.

You want to be like, how do I get them out of here without them? See, I'll get texts or calls from like, somebody used to fuck like 12 years ago, new boyfriend. Oh. I'm like, oh, you have Irish affairs, let me see it. So it'll be like, yeah, I had to change it too, but it was like, it's like,

I don't, they're fucking moms now. Do you know what I found? I found a porn of a girl that looked like a girl I used to date, like identical. How hard is it? And then I found her page and was like, oh my God, she like fucks all the time and she looks exactly like an ex-girlfriend

and I was like, I'll be jerking off to her. Back in, I'm back in. Relationships on again. Tendin' I'm back in college, baby. Just, gah, gah, gah, gah, I just dropped this morning. The first time I remember a bunch of his sitting Jewish kids came up to me on Melrose. I was in like a furniture store with my buddy Eddie

and they were fucking with me. Like they were like, they were like busting my balls. Hasidic kids? Yeah. That's great. I love this. I had never seen that it was like, you know, like, some of them are cool.

Yeah. I call them Frontier Jews. Frontier Jews? Yeah, they're like, they're willing to get out there and mix it up. Yeah, it was, I kept laughing and I go, you guys are fucking with me. And they're like, yeah.

And I was like, wait, I didn't know you were allowed to talk to me. Oh, this is the one I want to tell you about. It's not a chick. As long as you're in a woman or black, they can talk all you want. The, so that we live with this, it was a guy first, right?

He moves into the building. And then one day he shows up with a fucking dime One of the most attractive women who I've ever seen and one of the women that were that lived there Do you remember the other Ari that was the director who? That was a friends with Steve Burnett all them Yes, what of anyway, and it's it's that's not going anywhere in the story Okay, but she was so fucking hot so fucking hot

We're gone fucking hot because they get nicer hair with the wig. It's unfair So one day I pull in Leanne and George. I think we just had no George and I don't land takes the girls in and he sees me and he goes hey He had like an Amsterdamian accent like a Danish accent. You know, like a weird accent. Hey, hey, hey. You see my wife? That's it. I said, yeah, he goes, not bad, huh? And I was like, yeah, he was sitting on his car like this.

And I go, yeah, yeah, and he goes, and he goes, ah, ah, ah, ah. Like, he's just getting, I go, yeah, she's really pretty. And he goes, come on. I just saw her for the first time too. Amazing, right? And like, he's just got a brand new wife and he was, it was, she was so fucking hot.

Do we, and you shiv, oh, sorry, go ahead. No, no. We're in Yashiva once, we're in seminary, and so there are all these like gross co-lele people, they learn all the time, we pay people to learn for you. It's almost like a weed co-op for getting closer to God. And so, one of them got a super hot wife, and we're all these like 18 year old,

just staring at her like, my God, she's so hot. And then somebody's like, you guys know what you're doing right now, what? I'm like, what, like, coveting another man's life. It's in the first 10, bro. Wait, you believe in Archimandments? No, come on, come on.

So wait, this is a this is a danger of slippery slope that I'm gonna play okay what if okay do you know how okay this this is a this we haven't gotten to what I want to talk to you about yeah okay oh yeah yeah do you know how when they have the color spiral the color wheel where it's like red and then blue and then whites in the center and black and you kind of pull and you see different Shades until you got there. Yeah, you hold it up to people for no no no no It's they have it on Instagram. Yeah, yeah, there. Yeah, there should be color wheel Yeah, that one to the left far left far left bottom. Yeah, that that left okay father right there so wait try to okay

Or you did know that RBG color wheel. Yeah, what it's really called? Yeah, never know that. Yeah, I definitely didn't just read it off the fucking thing that went up there. So wait, so what if they had that with races of women? The color wheel. And so you'd be like, you know, blue is like Nordic checks, right? Uh huh.

Yellow is, uh, Did I, I did this in, in a, in a, an amazing race of sketch? Did you really? I would hold it up against people to see if they could qualify for a free boat ride back to one way boat ride back to Africa? And I'd hold it up hold it up on them. I'm like nope too much mixture. No, no, no, it's not what I'm saying Like what I'm saying is because like what what you realize is like what I've learned about what's going on in Afghanistan is All the lines in the sand are drawn up by imperialists in the fucking. Right, right. Those aren't supposed to be there.

And so what and ethnically you do see people change as you start going closer to Asia further from Asia. Well, it's like the American version of it is like the South doesn't just end when you go from like Georgia to a fucking, you know, South Carolina. Yeah, it doesn't just stop at the borders. You get a different flavor. It's the same. But like slowly changes.

So like I'm saying, using that color wheel as an example, if you started walking from Norway and just started walking all the way to Asia, looking at the different shades and styles of women, where would you want to land? Because I never knew, I am really attracted to Indian women.

But I wonder if it's... Indian women are some of the hottest and ugliest. So like their princesses are fucking a legit, same with their Persians. Persian hot, great. Persian not hot is fucking hair. It's a hairy situation. Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Worse than white people eat white women you think. Because ug, there's, I mean's not to hate all my own race, but there's ugly, I mean, I think it's just any race. Also, the ugliest person. American, okay, we're talking about the American white women. Are ugliest, just the ugliest, we're achieving a level of ugly. Type in, like, hard work, crazy. The ugliest, ugliest, white woman, ugliest,

and might as well type in get canceled This is the worst sketch me gonna be going Ugly just type in ugly white woman ugliest race by women Julia Pastrana what oh Wow No way no way she her face melted. No, she's got to be that's that's not fair. This isn't fair Wow, don't fucking put how much how much to fuck it? No, no, that's just to not fair. This isn't fair. Wow. Don't fucking burn how much how much to fuck it. No, no. That's just to make out with it. This isn't me. I'm getting permission. Reans says you can fuck you can fuck that chick who used to be a cook. Hey, who's that chick? Bert likes that was a cook.

Tybin Asian. India. Tybin Indian. The fucking TV cook. You just have to make out with her for five minutes. Fuck. No. All right, game's over type in Asian real quick. I want to see a good fucking God Oh my god, oh We got to have a beauty pageant. Oh, they're all they're all not that bad. No, she's not that bad. The Asian ones are that bad Asian women are always hot Oh, no, she's making a face. She's making a face Okay, all right, she's making a face. She's making a face. Okay, all right, let's get out of this. Yeah, Asian's not that bad.

Of all the gross. Yeah, who's the ugliest Asians? The ugliest Asians? All of Asia, which country? Definitely not answering that fucking. It's me and Mar! Okay, this is a good segue. This is a good segue into what I wanted to talk to you about. Okay, so I saw this clip of this guy posted.

Now it's premised by the fact that you are a traveler and you have secret places you don't tell people about true This guy is a surfer professional surfer the one with 6000 views I listen to what he said and at first I was like I couldn't really wrap my head around it And then I listen to it. I went this makes total fucking sense and this is Kind of the thing that's wrong with Instagram and this is the thing that's wrong with Instagram. And this is the thing that's wrong with, with geotagging and stuff. So play what he said, and you gotta listen to the M.A. headsets. I think, well, I'll tell you in a second,

because I know what he's gonna say. But you do? Hopefully, yeah. Anthony Bourdain felt the same way. I feel the same way. I can't get them. Olga, charts golf, writes about it. There's like, you ever respond, we'll go ahead.

Yeah, let's listen to him. And can you get the all gut charged off rights about it. It's like you ever respond. We'll go ahead Yeah, let's listen to him and can you get his name? Cool Hey, no, don't you start this in the middle since when he's already talking so we missed the beginning Yes, I'm totally guilty of exploding Koi. I've used her beauty and her majesty for my benefit many of years However, I feel the need that it was necessary for me to survive. Nowadays people are coming, people are from here, people from all over the coming year to exploit joy and her beauty. And what really, really sucks about it, you know, for example, guys going down the polycoast and foiling to get that ultimate shot of them foiling down the coast, that drives up home

prices here. You know what that does? It drives us out. So note to everyone, you might just get a local shoved up. Okay now here's here. No this is what's fascinating. The night before I'm talking to my girls and I said I said if we could buy a vacation house one place just conversation where would you want to buy and then they said Hawaii and I said actually I think that is disrespectful for a white guy to go in and buy land in Hawaii.

Yeah, it's almost like, that's not my place to buy land. If I wanna go there, they've got places I can go and rent and put money back into this, and I actually said that as a woken thing that's ever come out of my mouth. And my daughter's, because I've been to Hawaii and it's fucking, I mean insane. It's great.

But you look at Mark Zuckerberg as he was talking about. He doesn't like Mark Zuckerberg. Who does? Who loves Mark Zuckerberg? I mean, he was like, dude, you're wrong about that guy. He's chill. Fucking tea pain says that. So Mark Zuckerberg is foils and then post the videos of him foiling on the

whole coast. And then you see that and it's on Instagram and then it kind of it does. Okay, so there's a response. And by the way, we should premise with this dude who he left this message is a fucking badass. And if we ever run into him, he will have no problem slapping us. So make sure we choose our words. Why is it bring it and I'll fucking show you what time it is God I do not say that I do not talk before the podcast started He was so wait so wait. What were you gonna say you ever responsibility to the places you visit to keep them a bit secret So you can still show have your picture you don't the geotag it you can show a picture of these amazing places without saying the name of the restaurant

You don't have to do that. I went to this amazing restaurant in LA. You don't have to say the name of the restaurant. I know you wanna be like, let me bring business there, but if you can see that documentary, that Bordea documentary. No, I haven't seen that. So he's eating when he's first meeting

the fucking woman who killed him, Aziael Argento, the one who killed my luster. He's like, hey, let me say the name of the restaurant. And she's like say the name of the restaurant. She's wise. Do you want to fuck a thousand American tourists lined up to it'll be ruined? Bill Burd at that one time with this great pizza place in Boston. I said, where is it? He goes, I'm going to tell you. Not going to tell you. I said, why? And he goes, because I want to be able to go there. What do I do when I tell you about places? You tell me that, well, this immediately I thought of you, because you go, hey, man, when I was leaving Serbia, you like, I got a great spot for you.

But if I give it to you, you can't post about it, you can't post while you're there. And part of me was like, well, don't even tell me about it because like, and you've done that with hikes. And what? Oh yeah, there was a hike here. I was like, I have a great hike. It's like, can you not tell anybody?

You're like, well, why? I'm like, because I just don't want to get in. I was like, but what's the, I'm like, we're not going there. I've already can't trust you. We're not going. But it is kind of fucking, it is kind of heartbreaking, I think, and what his point was where I go,

so these billionaires, these tech giants go in and buy Kauai. And now all of a sudden, the people whose, it's ancestral home, they don't have land. By the way, that is, those beautiful views, that's their beautiful views, that we are, they're allowing us to go look at. And by the way, what is those beautiful views, that's their beautiful views that we are, they're allowing us to go look at. And by the way, what's also crazy is, my favorite place in the world is Hawaii. Out of all the places in the world is fucking Hawaii, I love Hawaii.

More than anything, and I was like my, but I've always tried to be, and I'm almost got the shit kicked out of me by a fucking hardcore enforcer. And of what, surf rules? I almost got the shit kicked out of me by a fucking hardcore enforcer and What surfers. No, no, we we're on trip flip. I wish I knew this guy's name All the only thing I can tell you I don't I it's better than I don't even say his name But like I met a bunch of them because what they do is what he's saying is he goes I've been guilty of it too and what he's talking about is sometimes in order to make money You've got to you know travel channel comes down. You got it, you've got to go, hey, I'll be your guide, because I'm going to make 10 grand and I can pay bills. I don't know if that's what he says. What do you say? Like, I, I, I, one guy, I mean, oh, a local. A local, there'll be like, I'll take you paddle boarding and we can, I'll take you to a cool spot. And so

this one guy took us to a really cool spot, this river, and we, he had paddle boards that had lights underneath them. He was, he was that was his business. Cool. He was really fucking badass. And we were late. He comes up to me. With Georgia or I love. No, no, no, it was with travel channel. And so he comes up and they're like, just so you know,

they're like, he's like a really respected surfer. I think he's in lineage of from the king. I think he's from lineage of the king. And they're like, you're being really disrespectful by being late. And I was like, in my head, I was like, it's of the king. And then I can, you're being really disrespectful by being late. And I was like, in my head, I was like, it's production. We don't really have control of it. And they're like, no, no, no.

You, someone needs to go talk to him. And I was like, I'm not letting any of my crew talk to him. And so I went up and I was like, hey, man, and he got in my face and was like, and he was like, this is fucking bullshit. You've had me waiting how long I'm fucking sitting here. You don't, you don't pay me enough. And then I got really upset and I was like, hey man I literally fucking

Tucked my tail and I was like I could not apologize more Can we compensate you hump somehow and then and then like a real man He just kind of squashed it and he goes we're good. We're good. Let's do this segment if you pretend And he's like then let's have good energy because I want everyone to see how beautiful this is. I want you to see this product. And I was like, oh, cool. And the guy was cool as fucking shit. We ended up having beers that night together

and the back of a truck and he was like, he was like, hey, sorry, I got so heated. It's just, you know, I'm a man and you can't just like, leave and I was like, no, I totally, you know. You did, you put him on a pedestal, you like. I was like, dude, and this guy, and then, and then he left and I googled him and this guy was like, and so it is kind, and then he laughed, and I googled him, and this guy was like, and so it is kind of fucking crazy

that guys like Mark Zuckerberg go in and buy quiet, or Oprah, buy the most beautiful beach fronts you can find. And why do they even know about that place? Because he even says he's guilty of it, that guy. He goes, I've done this, you know? So that's why I believe him more. But it's like, we've all promoted this place, and they go, oh, is it cool?

And then it's like, here, I'll just do that. Let's, let's, Michelle was talking to me about this, where it's like, we've all promoted this place and they go, oh, is it cool? And they're just like, here, I'll just do that. Let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, Michelle was talking to me about this, where it's like, there's this hike and Zion and to get to this place, you gotta hike for like two days. And she goes, and now people just take helicopters there. So you have this like rich fucking pussies that are there and it's kind of ruined by this idea

that it's like, I can just throw money at this problem. That is crazy. Like I remember we took a helicopter around Kauai. I think it was Kauai. Can you see if I've ever been to Kauai? Maybe it's Lenai. Well, but like as we're saying it, you're not even learning anything.

Just say one of the islands. I think I've been, I think I've been. Is a picture of me and Hawaii wearing your shoes. Yeah, but it's interesting because that's the way, and this leads into another thing we've been talking about, is that is the way you travel. You don't travel to show everyone how cool your life is. Right.

Which is the point of Instagram. The point of Instagram is to show, when I was on travel channel, I never posted on Instagram, because I thought, I thought there's gotta be someone in their cubicle going, fuck this guy. It's a fucking, I mean,

he said what is he just, is every night a private dinner on a private beach in Puerto Rico. And you're like, and so I never posted about it. And then, It's tough because you wanna bring a piece of it back and show people

Friends family even like followers, you know, whatever strangers, but like you do want to share it with them There's different ways to do it. You can tell a story about it on a podcast. You could show them the thing And it's tough. It's tough because you're torn on it because it Not me out everyone's ditches of likes so you know it'll get likes Well it bums me out like you spent in I mean, I don't know if you've told, I'm just think you've told people, but you spent, um, two, the quarantine in six months. Six months in South America. Just Ecuador.

Just Ecuador? Okay. I thought you were a fucking peru for some reason. I think it was lying to you so you didn't tell everybody. Yeah. You know, where are you? I'm like, Cuba. Like, how did you get into Cuba? I'm like, uh, you got me wrong Cuba. Yeah, I was like, oh, you got to didn't tell everybody. Yeah. You know where are you? I'm like, Cuba. How'd you get into Cuba?

I'm like, uh, question. You got me your own Cuba. Yeah, I was like, oh, you got to go through a Venezuela and then you could take a direct flight. I tell everyone you're in Cuba. And so, but you spent a six-months in Ecuador and I don't think you posted anything about it. Not much, probably here or there, a little like.

But what I'll tell you what sucks is I wanted to see it. Like, as your friend, I go, I would love to see what what he's up to so what I did is I sent pictures to my friends Like I can still get that feeling bad like I get one picture No one time you were talking about the the cap of the riots you were talking about cap of riots Like isn't this crazy? I know it's like yet sure is and I just showed you this amazing view. Yeah Like me on a hammock But what so what what what what makes you be that person that does that? You did it in Asia, you did it, you've done it a lot.

Yeah, I love it. But it's kind of been, you know, I remember you had a conversation with, Rollins. Henry Rollins, and it changed the way you looked at your life and you're like, I just want to travel. Sort of. I asked Justin to like send me, I was like, there was 2012, 2014. I was like, Hey, send me place. I want to go place. And he sent me to Turner Sparks, Bromida, and Andy Romida, China.

And then that unlocked it. I was like, Oh, this is so foreign. 17, 18 days, I'm like that. And I was like, I've got to do this more. When I talked to Henry Rollins, I was already gonna finish up that special and then take off our Southeast Asia. I already decided. So when we were talking about it, I was pushing me even more. Yeah.

Because until you're on the plane, you're not sure you're gonna go. I mean, I called an Uber, put my phone in the drawer, and then walked outside to the Uber to the plane, printed up my ticket. And I was like, I want no connection to this place. I want to be completely free and independent and like. And it was great. I didn't have that this time because I started. So did you not get that as a child? Did you not travel much as a child?

I thought I didn't, but then some of you reminded me that I lived in Israel for two years. Yeah, but I was like, I don't know why I didn't count that. Yeah, I don't know. But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what started it. I just love it. I love being free, especially in our position, you're worse than me. You have it worse than me in terms of being recognized and stuff. When you get recognized, you're not living like a like a genuine human. Oh, my daughter's actually pointed that out. Saturday evening. Really? Saturday evening, they said,

it's weird, I was upset because I couldn't find my mask in the room. I couldn't find my mask and I was sweating and I was like, and we're trying to make this dinner reservation and we're in Denver. And I'm like, where the fuck? And I'm like, like, Lian and I are almost getting in a fight about it. She's like I don't and

and then I Walk out of the room and I'm walking on the hallway and with my mask on someone goes holy shit the machine And I go, hey, what's up, man? How you doing? Yeah, I like and then my daughters go wow You really changed energy and I went huh? And they're like you were just upset and then all of a sudden someone recognizes you and you're and I was like yeah But I can't go like what do you know where my mask is? I can like fucking cuz then they go like, you were just upset. And then all of a sudden someone recognized you and I was like, yeah, but I can't go like, what the, do you know where my mask is? I can't like fucking, cause then they go like, I saw Berkraishe once.

He was a dick. Yeah, and I go, baby, I got it. And then we go to dinner and I fucking realized what they said. And I said, that's gotta be almost. They must see it all. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, they see it all the time. There was a time, there was a time

on the Skippy Simon's birthday party at a karaoke place in Koreatown. And I have another insight on this too. But it was too drunk. I had to go outside for some air. And I made the mistake of going outside for some air and smoking a cigarette, which is the opposite of air. And then I'm throwing up.

Like in no time. I'm in the back alley throwing up and I kind of passed out, I realized it was barf right next to me. I moved. I'm in the back alley throwing up and I kind of passed out. I realized it was barf right now I mean I moved probably two feet away and then out that back door some people came out of their office building and like looked at me And I was trying my drunken stupor trying to express that I'm not a bum But what a bar I mean a pile of barf here. Jesus. I'm here. I'm like It's not it's not that And they're just like oh and I didn't't wanna talk. We're trying to convince them. Anyway, in their head, that's some fucking disgusting guys.

These guys, these drugs are ruining the neighborhood. But it wasn't Ari Schaffer here. It was just some guy. Yeah. You can't be that or you or even a more famous person. You can't pass out drunk on the street. Make mistakes. Well, I don't think you're supposed

to pass out drunk on the street. But you're supposed to learn from your steak. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore. I'm that drunk. I see what you're saying. You're not. Well, I don't think you're supposed to pass out drunk on the street, but you're supposed to learn from your mistake. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore. I'm that drunk. I see what you're saying. You're not supposed to be on record. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Everything's on record.

Yeah, but it is, I mean, it just comes with the territory. We all knew that when we got into comedy. You know, there's certain parts of your life. You just, that that's the gig. That's the gig. And it's like, I'm cool. By the way, I, so yeah, you're right. It is the gig So I found a way around it so I can go to fucking an island in in

Cambodia something like that you also don't have any responsibilities right? It's like you I was I was watering my lawn this morning thinking I was thinking about, or thought about you a lot lately, because knowing we were gonna do this and I thought, I was like, Ari has always put out in the universe. I don't care about money. I don't care about fame. I care about money.

It's not my God. Yeah, I care about money. I care about money because I want to set up my girls to be able to go to college. I want to make sure that I can retire. I do care about money. And like, and it's funny because the only person I know that cares about money more than me

is Tom, we talk about money all the time. But long ago, when we were just open-micers or when we were just opening and for featuring, we'd talk about how much we were getting paid. And Tom was like, this is healthy. Just so you know, this is healthy. It is healthy to trade info. To trade info and to know.

To want it. And to want it, yeah, but it's very interesting. There was a period where I was like, when before I had kids where I was like, you don't get a fuck, I remember Jameson wanted me to do a tour and they're like, you can't tell drinking and driving stories. And I was like, fuck it, I'm not gonna do it.

And my dad was like, fucking, you're out of your mind. It was five grand a week. And I was like, that's back then. Back is all that was more than I could ever make and I was like It's more if you know that's more than 98% of working comics make oh Yeah, yeah, and by the way, you're still giving half to managers agents taxes So don't think it's a but but still five grand first-class travel first class accommodations It was James you could drink, you would have to drink. All the James D. they send you a case of James D.

in the beginning of every fucking week. You get back from the thing and they send you a case of James D. Public service announcement, do not try to keep up with Berk Khrysher on James D. I've made that mistake and it's a terrible mistake. Yeah, I've got video of it. Oh god, that was fucking, you do throw up, that's what.

Not always, just, I've already do a lot. But Jesus, Mark Normam said this week and he was fucking, you do throw up, that's what. Not always, just around you a lot. But Jesus, Mark Normam said this weekend, he was like, dude, okay, all right, let's pivot, right? Let's pivot. So I have been work, work, work, work the whole time, like the whole time. And I'm still gonna be work, work, work, work. I'm not, I love work, I love what we do.

This is the greatest job in the world. Doing a podcast with you, that is, if you couldn't tell me I could have gonna be work, work, work, work. I love work. I love what we do. This is the greatest job in the world. Doing a podcast with you. And that is, if you couldn't tell me, I could have a better day. Doing a podcast with Tom's. That's a fun fucking thing. Sitting around writing jokes all day and then going to spots.

It's amazing. Going to perform at fucking theaters and you're like, this is fucking the greatest. The picture of Norman sent me of Dave getting off with Red Rocks behind him and I was like, I mean, I don't get jealous much, but I was jealous of Dave. Dude, and you him. And I was like, I mean, I don't get jealous much, but I was jealous of Dave. Dude, and you and him.

I was like, yeah. Red Rocks was the greatest experience in my career. And I've had a couple really great ones. I took the drawer, he was like, I've been around comedy for 30 years because that was cool. They kept coming up to me going, the people were Red Rocks,

they were like, we don't have comics here. I was like, sure you do. I love like sure you do have to do it was it was It was so what I did is I and this changed the way I think for I think touring during the pandemic changed the way I looked at touring yeah, so I was like let's make it an event Let's make it like a fun time for us not for like I'm not gonna fucking have flames up behind me, like Kevin Hart, but like, let's make it fun for us. And we'll grill out, we'll cook out, we'll find activities to do during the day, we'll be living on a bus, and then on a ride home.

And I was like, just for a little extra button money, instead of quarantining in LA, let's quarantine in fucking Sedona. Let's all go to Sedona and quarantine there for four days and party at a fucking Airbnb and then go out and so love it So then this this week this I did red rocks Perfectly meaning for I invited all of our frant family friends like we have four frant families that were friends with three families Called the campers. I invited all of them right. I got us all cabins on

them, right? I got us all cabins on a river. I got us about the whole fucking place. Everyone cabins. I invited Mark and I invited Mark's girlfriend. I invited Dave and Dave's girlfriend. And then I got us all tickets to Jimmy Buffet the next night. So the night at the same place at the same place at the Red Rocks. If anyone has no Red Rocks, there's one story I know about Red Rocks is John Denver, known as the Denver musician, said if I had one set, one show left to perform anywhere in the world, it would be at Red Rocks. Red Rocks is pull up a picture and I'm sure you can show the picture. It is fucking gorgeous. It is gorgeous.

You got to show the picture of Dave getting off stage. Oh yeah, I haven't posted any pictures but I'm going to because Leanne read this great quote to me. What's her quote? I'll read it to you. Send it to Tommy today. So wait, I'll read you the quote in a second, and then I'll tell you about the posting. So put Dave Williamson posted some great videos from Ed Rocks.

So it seats like 10,000 people. I've been there to hike. I've been there daytime. It is with List and Norman, actually. You go there and you show the pictures of the people that performed there, the Beatles performed there. Like you're just like, Florida.

Go down, go down. Okay, now go over to the middle one. Middle one up above that. Click that. Look at this. This is me at Red Rocks. This is, and by the way, now I want to talk to you about this.

Keep in mind everyone, the camera. That's 10 pounds. Yeah, I had my, I've used my glowing arm. Oh really? Oh fuck yeah. That's the Kanye thing. God damn. It was the greatest experience of my life. So what I did is, Day Up Show, I go and I get us all IVs. Yeah. I go, hey, we're party the night before. I get us all IVs. Yeah, I go hey, we party the night before. I get us all IVs, day of show. Just to, like, just to rehearse. Just to make sure everyone's all on their fucking high. Not even because of me this time.

Yeah, just a regular IV. Regular IVs for everyone. We then, you don't need to flip through these photos. And so then we do IVs, we do red rocks, and we party all fucking night. Next morning, I have IVs waiting for us at 10 in the morning. We all go up and get coffee, and get a, we're going to little town of Innevergreen.

We get coffee, and we get bloody marries. And then we come back, and I have IVs waiting for us underneath all the trees. Everyone gets another round of IVs that morning. Then we go get in the river, rivers like 42 degrees, and we pull our plunge for like four minutes, all of us. And then we all fucking part get,

I have a Sprinter van, take us into Red Rocks, we get backstage access into Red Rocks to Jimmy Buffett. Now, this is why I didn't do mushrooms, is I was, I was partying, but I was drinking all day, and I had to do a show with Jimmy Buffett, literally seconds before we went on, and I didn't want to take the mushrooms too late or too early and be the only

one tripping. I didn't want to take him whenever one else took him and they all took him like an hour before the show and I was like that's going to be the only one tripping and then everyone catching up is not as bad as everyone already being tripping and you need to catch up. That was what I would have been. So, we go do, and the best thing ever is I got to watch a show at Red Rocks. The night after I performed at Red Rocks, it was so fucking surreal.

Mark Norman, they kept putting us on the jumbo tron because Liam was wearing a parrot hat. And so Mark Norman hits me and he goes, oh my God, we're on the jumbo tron. I go, Mark, we were on that stage last night. We were on the jumbo tron for a fucking hour last night. It was hilarious. The jumbo tron.

I'm like, what are you talking about, you loser? It was, it was like your retired pitcher throwing out the first pitch and going, the next day, the next day after Jimmy Buffett, everyone's gone, everyone leaves. And I just go, I'm not done smiling. And I went up to a bar, Murphy's, what am I just, what are we just talking about?

God dammit. Just a bar, okay. Beautiful bar on the river in Evergreen, and I just started drinking, and I ordered a cheeseburger, and my daughters went to this fucking great crystal shop, and then they came over and met up with me, and then I was like, hey, let's go look at Boulder,

see if you wanna go to Boulder, and I just, well, I just, everywhere I went, I just have a beer and just fucking, I literally, you got that music festival vibe. And I listen to all I listen to, Steely Dan and think about John Mulaney, the whole fucking time, no static at all. And so then I wake up and I go,

I go, we had, you know, we shot it. And I was like, I don't, is it weird if I post, you know, that a video of it, I already sold the show out on it. It's not really promoting anything, but we already shot it and Leanne goes, I wanna read you a quote, and it was a fucking badass quote.

Okay. You're gonna, you're gonna mock this quote, but it's an interesting quote. Yeah. I wish I could read better. I'm gonna read it. Our deepest fear is not that we aren't inadequate. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You're playing small, does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking, so that other people won't feel insecure about you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We're born to manifest the glory of God that is within us and not just in some of us in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people around us permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. She goes, Hey, it's a big accomplishment. You loved it, post it. Right? Yeah. And because me and you have been talking about this, and I've talked about this on this podcast, is there is a thing, and I think because-

I just talked with Duncan too, where I posted something I felt like a douchebag posted an old picture from, like, then I got back from his team or somewhere, somewhere special to me. And I was like, I feel like a dork posting this. It, it, it, not those, when he wore it, but it was just an amazing magical place. And, uh, and Duncan's like, no, it's your responsibility

to kind of like, share it with people. Yeah, your responsibility, like- But don't geotag it, that's all. Yeah, but it's no, it's your responsibility to kind of like share it with people. Yeah, your responsibility, like. But don't geotag it, that's all. Yeah, but it's interesting. That's pretty awesome. It's an awesome quote and I was like, and I was like, yeah man, it's funny because I, very purely when I first sold,

my first theater I ever sold out was the Wilbur. And I had a special, you're doing the Wilbur. I'm doing it December 9th. December 9th, at least I'll start Wednesday. So that's what he's probably doing. By the way, you do, And I had a special, you're doing the Wilbur. I'm doing it December 9th. December 9th, at least L. Sarge Wednesday. So that's where they use promo. By the way, you're a promo go to. Yeah, just like, what do you want promo go? I'm like, oh, you can you be allowed?

Yeah, I don't know. So it's very brand friendly. So, but I remember going back and going backstage and sitting by the heaters, cause I was cold. And I was like, and it was funny because I had to put in the Wilbur- In the Wilbur. In the Wilbur. I had the same thing that happened to me at Red Rocks is,

I sat there by myself and I went, I got no one to high five. I just got here myself. Like I got myself here. My managers and agents and all that, but like, you go, I'm not part of a band. Like I just busted my ass and did podcasts when I was hungover and fucking promoted and put all the shots and videos to help promote it.

And then I was like, I was sitting back there and I was like, oh, but I feel really proud about this. And I was like, I should feel proud. I did this. It was like a very surreal moment. I remember it very vividly, because I was warming my back up at the will. I was warming my back up.

And I said, so all my accomplishments I'm the only one that I can celebrate with no one else is there. Yeah, cuz it's just cuz it's just you and also the openers And they're like I would like they don't get it was Mark Norman. It was Mark Norman way back Yeah, but it was Mark Norman. I part more and it's like they don't get the struggle Yeah, so but like sharing online I thought I when I got my manager kept trying to get me to do like a travel sitcom or so and I was like, you can't a show and I'm like, you can't do it. The way I travel, like you can't add what you did or ordained it is you're adding a

fucking film crew. You can't be late for a train and run with your buddy to catch that train and give him a hand up. You can't talk to a local with when there's a fucking camera right there. I'm not the same experience. It's interesting because I did have cameras at the red rocks and they were at like, at one point, they were like, so Bert, you seem quiet, what are you thinking? And I was like, I can't express it to you.

So yeah, it's really weird. And then they said, but someone was like, you know, you're performing a red rock, did you ever think this was gonna happen? I was like, fucking no. I go ask for a norm and if you think they'll ever play here again. Because you know the answer is gonna be no, I don't know what you're performing a redrocks. Did you ever think this was gonna happen? I was like, fucking no. I go ask about Norman, if he didn't still ever play here again. Cause you know the answer is gonna be no, I don't know what ever thinks I'm gonna do that.

So this is what I talked about with this guy. I was like, okay, here's what I wanna express through creativity, through art. That feeling you get, you hiked all day. And well, I'll do one of these in Echro. We have for four days to get to this giant crater lake. And we hiked and heighten, heighten, it's getting sundowns coming,

it's getting darker and darker and darker. We're fucked. We had a little assets, a little off our path. And then when you finally get off that hill, we're scared. It's gonna be freezing at night. We're scared. It's a real scared, too.

And we finally get over this, and it just keeps going like this. I'm like, when is this fucking mountain in? And there's this fog, we don't know. And it's been hours longer than we thought there's this fog, we don't know. And it's been hours longer than we thought it would be. And we don't know. And the trails aren't marked that well.

And you finally come over. And it just reveals itself to you. This amazing place. And the feeling you get with your companions that you overcame something and the smell and the hunger you have, I don't know how to express that part, and a picture doesn't do it. And a picture doesn't do it, and it's really hard

when it takes you out of the moment. It does. It can't apply to be like, So if you're at a wedding, you hire a photographer, and you're like, get the fuck out of the way. I was at my sister's kid's bar mitzvah, and we're all dancing, and then the photographer's like, hey, go back in with your dad and your mom and dance.

I'm like, get the fuck outta here! We had a moment capture, do you a fucking job? Oh, I used to do that with our travel. So what's really interesting is the people that were shooting my thing at Red Rocks, were all people that I worked with in travel channel. They were all the guys I worked with. And I used to have a real problem about,

let us be in the moment. Let us, it's hard, you get a very dissing only really great people like Bourdain could be honest and genuine in the moment and and just and his crew. I think he had very specific rules about do not fucking talk to me. Do not let me just be me. Like the free solo guy like you got to be the fuck out of here. Yeah, I'm gonna die if I'm gonna. Yeah.

And so and it's really hard. It's really hard to do all that. I think podcasting is a good way to get that expressed. Podcasting, then you just, you have the memories in your journal, and you can, whatever, I always waver with people that, like, don't you wanna ask me about this stuff? Some people like, no, you're good about it. Some people just don't like, all right.

No, I love what part I'm trying, I guess. The way you travel is the way, you know, it's so funny. When I came out to LA, I was not who I am today. I was a very authentic, very genuine. I think I'm still as close as I can think. I think you more than most people struggle with, like I say there's a lot, you won't change LA, LA is gonna change you.

That's the reality of it. Yeah. And you struggle with being in the system that is taking you away from the frat guy from Jacksonville that you really are. Tallahassee. Tallahassee. By the way, I'm going back to Tallahassee, October 24th.

Hell yeah. Tick-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock- I'm competing. You're pro-coed repent. But you are this genuine guyance and for once in a while you can feel I feel too on different levels but like that is you we talked about this like the most fun parties is like hey does anybody have another $2 we got to go to the fucking store and get another 20 plus. That was the most fun party. And chill with your friends. Do you know what it was?

And they want you to get linens and shit and like that ain't us. Go back. Do you know what it was? And they want you to get linens and shit. And like that ain't us. Go back. Do you know what one of the best compliments that you and Tom ever gave me? I think about this. It's weird that I think about certain things in my life. A lot. We weren't at Lanna.

See if you can find this in the dov. It's got music to it. But it's on my Instagram. We were in Atlanta. We were at a liquor store and they were playing kiss. Yeah, we're all dancing around. And and I pulled my phone out. And I remember I think Joe said, uh, Joe wasn't there. No, Joe saw the video. And he said, it's so far back. You're it's good luck finding it. It's so far. January of 2018. January of 2018. You're never going to find it. It's so fun. January of 2018. January of 2018. You're never gonna find it. You'd better.

You'd better be better just a Google Bert liquor store, Ari Tom. It's a can't Google Instagram, can you? Yeah, yeah, you can. I think you can. Anyway, so what you said. It's a Joe goes. Joe said something and he goes,

we were in a pot. No, Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan, oh cool. Yeah, and we were, oh that's it, that's it, that's the fucking video. Face book, that's a long time ago. Yeah.

And so he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, we had a blast. He's like, yeah, I saw you guys in a liquor store, like videotaping it. Why do you got a videotape it? And you and Tom were like, you're like, that's Burt though. Like that, like you go Burt made that nobody happened. And all those people dance, they didn't recognize you.

Those people didn't recognize you. No. And we're all just dancing. And then those kids recognize you. But all those other guys did not. They were just like, who's this fucking party? And then you got into it. You started dancing.

Every once in a while. Yeah, I mean, the whole, the whole fucking liquor store is dancing, of course, I can go through it a little bit. You got me into it. And you go, yeah, but party started. You're like, that's what it's like with Bert. And you're like, there we go. That's how I dance on Molly.

Oh, I got this new balance. It's missed past my favorite, missed past joke. Like people, white people are scared of like, woke, and she goes, show up, white people, we're trying to take away your new balance? One of my favorite dick ruggories, nephew. I forget, I'm blanking on his name.

He was sitting in a restaurant and he goes, man, white people wear under armor like they're closed. So what are you gonna say about it? So, but you guys, you and Tom Joe was like, yeah, but you had to videotape it, you had to put it on Instagram and you're like, yeah, but you guys, you and Tom Joe was like, yeah, but you had to videotape it, you had to put it on Instagram, and you're like, yeah, but that's Bert.

Like Bert is, he's got his phone out. He's been in the screen. Yeah, and so it was like a really good comment, but yeah, I think you're right, I try to stay close to like this guy, but Hollywood does fuck you up. It really genuinely does. And so it makes you want things that you don't really want.

I was talking to Jess to read two days, three days ago. Yeah. Nashville and it's like she's one of the like she's smart enough to like, to like, like, what do I, I know I'm supposed to want that, but I don't. Okay. So she's like strong enough to like, then no. So, so I, that's where I'm at right now where I go. Because I was, you know, I talked to you about, go ahead. I talked to you about. Go ahead. I talked to you about this from Serbia. Yeah. And I was like, dude, you've earned a break.

And it doesn't mean not to stand up here. Yeah. It doesn't mean not to podcast here, but like, like the joy you get for a show at the Wilbur, it's great. But once you've done it 10 times, it's great. It shouldn't be that much more joyous than a great set at the store. It's Wilbur's a lot better than the store.

The Wilbur's fucking amazing. It's just a good day. We'll find out December 9th. It's such a great, you know what I did when I was the first time I did the Wilbur at that time? Mark Norman gets on stage and I raced up to the top and I went up. You watched him and I watched him. I still love watching Rogan.

And it's up. And I got up and I went, I went, whoa. And then all of a sudden I'm like, somebody goes, Bert, and I go, hey, what's up? And then I realized, oh, they're all here to see me. I wasn't aware of that. And I was like, oh shit, and I had to bail. I was like, oh, I go, oh my God,

the days of appreciating a venue from the outside. But that was what was beautiful about doing watching Jimmy Buff at the night next day, because we're at Jimmy Buff, but we're like, they're not your fans. Some, some, but not not mine. And so we're in the fifth row. And me, Mark and Dave kept turning around and staring at 10,000 people going We bought but we're like they're not your fans some but not not mine and so we're in the fifth row and me mark in Dave

kept turning around and staring at 10,000 people going like Holy fucking shit like it was and you look at the rocks are lighting up and it was just so real So then I said I was at the killers They did that like take out your cell phone light at a festival. See how I do it at a festival somewhere Yeah, and they're like take your son you turn around I had to say my friends on my shoulders and we turn around and just looked at it. And I was like, and she was like,

hey, turn it back around. And just when you see a crowd like that, it's just so fucking cool. You know, and you don't see it like that from stage. No. You gotta be in the audience to see it. Yeah, right, right, because there's a darkness or something.

Yeah, there's a darkness and it just, it doesn't register, but that fucking, to turn around and see it. Yeah, right, right, because there's a darkness or something. Yeah, there's a darkness and it just, it doesn't register, but that fucking, to turn around and see it, it's fucking, it's badass. And you know, it's so funny, this kid, I posted this video and a redrocks, it's awesome, dude, I posted a video when I, the day I sold out redrocks and I was like, I don't want to do that. I don't, I don't, I think that's just cheesy. Okay.

And so I mentioned it, I mentioned it on here. This kid hits me up in the messages and he goes, hey man, just so you know, he's like, I was one of the first people to get tickets and when it sells out, I feel like I made a great call. It's like a stop. When you're the movie, you watch, when's the Oscar? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's one of those men. And I was like, oh, fuck yeah.

And so I was like, all right, I need to get back to. Okay, so here's where it is. When you actually have a thing like red rocks, right? Where you're like, I'm genuinely proud or the first time you do the Wilbur, not the A-Time, the first time that feeling is there. That's a genuine moment. When you're just like, hey, here's a picture of me

in front of a crowd, it looks good. That's a disingenuous moment. Because you know it'll look right to everybody else, but you don't have that feeling, right? You don't have like, oh, there's a pretty picture. A case in point that somebody said in Oakland or San Francisco, they saw these like white chicks, like young white chicks at a street fair

and homeless is up there. It's always been up there in San Francisco. And they're trying to position themselves to take a picture at this street fair where they don't see a homeless in camp but behind them. Yeah, so they can say look how cute this is and it's like you're being Distangent, Genuous that they're part of that scene My daughter's friends went down to the black lives matters rallies just get selfies They said they could post that so much and my daughters were like we're not going down there to get my daughters are fucking they can see through it

They said they were like that. They were like why would you want to do that? I don't post like so a 9-11 that's everybody did I don't post on 9-11 because because I'm like I'm like I Where would I get the image from I don't own any like really good? 9-11 images for me the lights and it's just like I remember where I was they made it about themselves There's some of us like most people like want to join joining on that, some people join in begrudgingly, and then there's a group of us who are like, look at everybody else going,

like we're embarrassed for you. When I have, we're a dead celebrity, we're embarrassed for you. And so we're like, this is disgusting, and we want no part of it. We're not gonna post a fucking square, or anything like that. I posted the square, that was a fucking big mistake.

The only other square I think. I got, I got what was the only other thing. No, go ahead. I mean, I didn't, I remember when Kobe died. I didn't say anything. Did you? You did. You said a thousand things.

That's why I said it. People like you push me into things like that. Oh poor, poor baby. This guy you don't know died. So I was a fucking good job. It was baby, this guy you don't know died. So, I was a fucking good joke. It was a really good, I didn't say anything. You say anything?

No, man, that was a long time ago. No, but it's so funny when I posted that back squares because people were getting in my DMs telling me like how dare your silence is deafening. And then I'll sudden you do it and then I'll sudden you're like, they're like, oh really? It's like you can't, and by the way, it is,

it is maybe 0.02%. Go volunteer somewhere. You want to make a difference? Go volunteer somewhere. So dance ain't your main. And then pose for a picture of us. Super kitchen, but he doesn't gesture how big he is. But he's actually doing something.

He eats mostly, I assume he eats mostly. And that when he walks in, they're like, certain he didn't pull his soup and he's like, not here to help him. I'm really's mostly. But when he walks in, they're like, certy dinner pull his soup, and he's like, no, I'm here to help him. I'm really, okay. Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like And it was so fucking good that I think about it when I have my first drink. I think about dancing to me. Really? Like when I go, um,

I'm sorry, it's not dancing to me and I'm thinking of it. It's not dancing to me. It's just saying that dancing to me and it's not sober, right? Is he sober? Way not. He's got the millennial thing where people like, oh, maybe you're like, you're going to hit LA comics. Like, no, he's a degenerate. He's got like oh, maybe I like you'll look at a hip LA comics like no He's a degenerate. He's got Michael Mike Lawrence like Lawrence way different. It's he's he's sober, right?

He's never wait is it dancing to me or Mike God damn it? I think the last time Mike Lawrence drank was when his mom was pregnant with him To put in Mark I'm Mike Lawrence god damn it. They're both so fucking funny. Do you remember Mike Lawrence's roast stroke with Ralphie? Yes, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me tell it to me. It's amazing. That your wife is divorcing you to get half your money because just, what you get is wait six months

and get all of it. It came true. Some of those, by the way, some of those, I love, I, and my favorite thing is, is recounting other comics jokes with it just a bunch of comics. That's what I miss a little bit about, like the hang. I remember we went, we were sitting on the tour, but I was great about the pandemic,

because we were just all in one bus the whole time. And that is when I truly fell in love with Shane Gillis' comedy. You were watching it. We were just, someone's like, if you heard Shane Gillis' special Olympics show, and I was like, no. And then they tell you their version, then you watch it, you're like, oh, fuck. Shane Gillis' special is fantastic.

Yeah, it's great. I wanted, I could- I did, I saw him do it live. I didn't see him. I didn't see the special yet. It's the same thing, but like, yeah, it's great. Same thing, he punched up up the last you can tell. I'm joking.

I'm not joking. Um, all right. What was the other thing we wanted to talk about? Keeping up with the Kardashians. Oh, drinking wise. It's a mistake. So I have a rule that I've had for a long time before we were friends is you don't try to keep up with the Canadian while they're drinking. I remember you telling me that. Don't do it. It's a mistake. I tried it with Tom Green and I felt prey to the situation. They just know how to do it better. DCM prop, we were just drinking a bar across the street and it was just like, I was wrecked and he was fine the next day.

And don't try to keep it with Canadian or an Australian. And then I modified it to also any comedian from Chicago and then for sure for sure you. Yeah, Marcus, I was trying to put the hurt on Mark. Man, he wants to keep up too. He wants to hang and he's a good drinker. Yeah, like, you would derose you. Like, do this, do this hard liquor. You know, like, get the fuck away from me.

Let me go on my own pace. Dude, I didn't realize the clip we were running at when we were in Europe together. Like, I didn't realize. He was going into it, he was, what do I do? I'm like, I don't know, dude. Drake near a potted plant. So you get fucked up when it's not looking.

We were just talking about that. We like, what were you doing? When we were at Top golf with you and Tom at the National Championship game, and it was like you were drinking doubles and doubling us with your doubles. That's when we got the sober October. Yeah, because it was like,

he drank so much. I'm gonna have to say that. So October, how else should I be said? Do you remember when I picked that? It was like, are you making it all by yourself? I was like, I think I was the one with the drinking problem Yeah, you it was for sure you do I had a barbecue during sober October the first one and I had two coolers Am I old place with the backyard?

I love that fun is a four-letter word I think what's something like that? We got far too far Skater oh, yeah, that was great. I bought a dress at the fucking place next door. Yeah, the thrift store next door Cuz you're so hot. I was so hot. I'm on a dress. Yeah, yeah, like let's some air go. I did it back there and and and Anyway, but I had a barbecue there and I had two coolers one said booze and the other said one said the other one said sober October. Yeah, but I remember the ERT on there. Are we doing that again this year? I think we are. Yeah, I don't doing that again this year? I think we are.

Yeah, I don't ever want to, but like, I gotta, what's the story with it? I don't know, I heard Joe and Tom talking about it and I was like, fuck them, let's us talk about it. Okay. I think the goal is yoga again, hot yoga again. 15 hot yogas, which I liked. So now I got a root for this Delta variant to stop us.

I got a hope for this thing to get so bad that it's you got you got a root for the Delta variant or the new uh, uh, ub variant. You know, Rogan, if the Delta variant shuts everything now, Rogan's been like, I just made a 45ers in my apartment. God, he's, well, he's him and Tom have antibodies. They do. Yeah, they've got, I heard you say on Rogan, you're like, I'm done, I'm done. I'm officially done.

I'm over. You know what I actually did? So I got my two weeks finished with the vaccine. Yeah. I did it, my parents, you know, I was like, let me just fucking do whatever, get done with it. I took a precaution and people like,

oh, you're three days out, you come to, like no, staying outdoors, doing outdoor shows until the two weeks is over. I'm not people were like, oh, you're three days out, you come to us, I'm like, no, I'm staying outdoors, doing outdoor shows until the two weeks is over, I'm not gonna be like, three days before, you gotta die, I'm not gonna be that guy. And then afterwards, my partner, we walked from our old apartment to our new apartment, we stopped in the middle of a park,

we burned some, some, some, some, Paul Assanteau that we had from Ecuador. We burned two masks and I was like mentally I'm done with this. So you don't wear masks at all. If they tell me you have to do when they get me one for sure. Right. My rule is I'm out. I did. I did what they told me how to.

I was pissing him on. We went to this restaurant with the girls Saturday night and I fucking piss in a moment. Yeah, that was bothering me too. I'm a mask on. No. And my my girls are wearing them. And so they're like, that come on. And I was like, no one's wearing them in here. It's Denver. No one believes in the morning. Yeah, that was about of me too. I'm a mask on. And my girls are wearing them. And so they're like, that, come on.

And I was like, no one's wearing them in here. It's Denver, no one believes in it here. Like, I don't have to wear one. And they go, hey, hey, you don't have to wear one, but the waiter's wearing one, the, the, the, the matinee, and then like, when we get to our table, you can take it off. But until then, you just wear a mask.

Yeah, and that's the least big deal of the whole COVID. Yeah, and my daughter, Georgia goes, I wear a mask all day at school, and all day at golf practice in the open COVID. Yeah, and my daughter, Georgia goes, I wear a mask all day at school and all day at golf practice in the open air. So I think you can wear one up to the maternity and I went, all right, so I did. And my thing is if it makes people uncomfortable, I wear a mask, but man, I am,

I'm actually done, when we flew home, at that fucking airport, I'm hungover, my breast smells like shit, cause I had a fucking steak dinner the night before. My mask is disgusting. Yeah, oh yeah, cigar. They, at casinos, me and Nate were in a casino gambling, like, sir, in between puffs of your cigar,

you gotta lift the thing up. So the mass in next day, you put it on. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, that's horrible. Dude, I was so angry on the plane going like, I don't wanna wear it, I don't wanna wear it. So I figured out a way around it. What's that?'t want to wear it, I don't want to wear it. So I figured out a way around it. What's that?

You have to wear it unless you're eating, right? So you take a heavy edible and at the airport, you buy hella popcorn and you just never stop eating. That's what worked for me to Austin. This lady kept looking over and I was like, and I was like, no, still go. And she was like, I saw her getting angry at me. I'm like, still eating bitch. I was, I was a, that's, and I was like, no, still go. And she was like, I start getting angry at me. I'm like, still eating bitch.

I was, I was a livid last yesterday on the plane. I was, and I was like, but I, but it's just, it's a control thing for me. It's like a weird control thing, and I think it makes me claustrophobic. And so, and so I just played backgammon on the fucking whole five-bought internet for the flight and just played backgammon nonstop.

And then, yeah, you play backgammon? Shishb the flight and just played backgammon nonstop in the yeah you play backgammon shit bitch i played hardcore backgammon you know i played the best comic backgam player there's literally i because i know what you're doing but it's still is working there's literally no if we played a hundred games betting cube or not there's literally no i i want to exaggerate i want toate. Okay. There's a 7% chance You would win more games in me. I Can guarantee I would say no, but that'd be ridiculous. I can guarantee I can guarantee I would win over 50% of the games You're out of your mind if we play two games shirt luck is luck absolutely 100 games There's if which might 100 games are probably winning 72 games

Luck is luck absolutely a hundred games. There's if which might a hundred games are probably winning 72 games Oh my god, cuz they oh my god. Oh, you are fucking content. I am Fuck you with out about the best back game and player out of all the comedians There's not one can you even pick up the dice? You're stubby fucking fat fingers. I am the number one. I'll gamm in you a couple times, a couple times. I mean, it's so out of that gammer. So when you talk about golf and shit, I'll join in, like, ha ha fun fun fun. You're being ridiculous. You're being ridiculous. First of all, I remember.

It's part of the Israeli Middle Eastern culture, Shashbash. I remember, I remember a young overweight comedian who said he was taking tennis lessons. I said, quote unquote, what did I say to him? I will destroy you. Yes, I will destroy you. We were at Tom's first mansion and I had swimming.

Everyone is like, wow, Tom's doing good. He's like, I feel like I'm doing professional athlete. He saw that you're a professional fucking athlete. And that's before I knew how fucking, how much heart you had and how much actually, like how, how, at least your athleticism was covered up, but you still have it in there. And it was like, let's have a race.

Let's have a fucking underwater race. So many race. God. And I'm going, I don't think Ari ever learned how to swim. Yeah. Do you remember that? In my head, I was like, I'm thinner than Bert. And then you lat me and you're like, do you ever swim?

Like, it's been like 10 years. And like, did you swim growing up? Like I didn't float. I was like, did a fucking triathlon. No. And he's like, and you're like, do you ever swim? Like, it's been like 10 years. And like, did you swim growing up? Like, I didn't float on. I was like, no. And he's like, and you're like, why did you think you'd be at me? I'm like, I don't know now that you're thinking about it. It was Tom said, Tom said, I'm taking tennis lessons. And I said, did I not say, I will destroy you?

You did. And I beat him so bad that he won't show it. It made, you're right. You're right. As a matter of, we fill in the whole thing and he goes, you know, I think that's better. Just keep on the live thing. We don't want to put something like that out.

I beat him so bad. I aced him. I'm not even joking. Maybe 40 times. Wow. Maybe 40 times. I aced him. Wow.

And his tennis coach, who's like a professional tennis player, went up and said to him, this is gonna be rough. He's got a legit D1 serve. And me and Tom's like, huh? Tom got so upset, he couldn't return the ball. He couldn't even return the ball. Couldn't even return, like I've served and he would hit the top of his racket and go scooting up in the air.

And he goes, I wanna, and let would hit the top of his racket and go scooting up near. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He put it out. Lindsay was just started working for Tom, and he had to root for Tom. And when he, Tom's son was there, and I think they took him away, they didn't want to see this happen. Oh, wow. They were like, hey, just get him out of here. You don't want to see this. And then everyone was there.

And they were all rooting for Tom. Come on, Tom! And I was like, hey guys, I work with you also. Yeah. I also work with you. You got to root for the inner dog. And it was so uncomfortable how bad he got beaten. And that was before that.

Do we have any footage of that, Nadav? Not ready to go. Not ready to go. That was before basketball. That was before basketball. Yeah, he'll never play tennis again. He'll never play basketball again. By the way, it's so heartbreaking.

Cause you do, you do, like when you, you're talking about Burton Tom. I'm such a blowhard that you automatically want to root for Tom. And so when we go to play basketball, everyone's like, oh, he's got you this time, Bert. He's got you this time. And then he has the most catastrophic life-changing fall that anyone could have.

And he just looked on his face like, oh, he's about to win. Were you? No, he was about to dunk on a nine foot rim, and instead his body goes, we weren't built for this. His body was like, no. Oh my God. Enjoy your meal.

Look at this, look at this, look at this. They're still rooting for him, Tom did win. Did he? Did he? He dunked on a nine foot rim. That's not a win. He ended up in the hospital. Yeah, but he outdone to win.

That's what you're saying. Yo Thysman didn't, they made it beat the You know Yeah, but he outdone to win Joe Thysman didn't they made it We had a lot because he walked again. Where is blood? Lawrence Taylor ended his career. Yeah, he didn't win that game. I don't know who did win that game I know nobody knows you know Joe Thysman lost nobody knows Joe Thysman. Yeah, that's right Lawrence Taylor won Joe Thysman law that who knows that I mean it broke my heart because I was like I was like oh Tom's gonna get his victory finally and fucking, how could you not put that out? That's crazy.

Are the tennis? It was so- You dominated them. Did you should put it out? No, he didn't, Tom doesn't, Tom doesn't want it. He doesn't want that, people to see that. Why? Oh man, he's just, he's, he's, he's shy.

He's trying to show himself as an athlete. Is that how he's bills himself? That's someone who could beat you? I think so, yeah. Do you remember when we all tried to put a throw up to 20? To, to, oh yeah, yeah, Rogan's? Yeah, yeah.

All of us got pinned and then Rogan. Rogan's like, what, one here? He did, he did 10 of them. Yeah, I remember telling someone that and they're like, that's a lot of fucking way to do 10 of them. That's like, that's like fucking combined. Then when I beat you in a fitness challenge,

what was that? A couple of sober October to go. You don't remember that? No. Oh, I'll tell you the example. So when we did, when we did the first weight loss challenge, yeah, the very, you're joking. I did place higher than you.

I remember that. I was sitting there going, what fucking, you talking about with the whoop or the- Yeah, the whoop. Yeah. You're not the whoop, the- That one. The, that one.

Yeah. Yeah. You did have, you know, I actually think, going back to the times in your life where you think of things, like, I was, I was a touch on the last night, last night my asshole was the itchiest that ever been. And I tried to think of the most itchiest that ever been.

And I actually had a time where I was like, I remember having an itchiest it ever been. And I tried to think of the most itchiest it ever been. And I actually had a time where I was like, I remember having an itchy asshole so bad that I thought to myself, it will never get itchier in this. It was eighth grade. eighth grade used to put on a journal for football. And once you put it on, you could not get your assholes. Like a trampoline, your pants.

And my assholes itching and I couldn't get to it. I kept reaching it. And my coach goes, what are you doing? I just said that myoline, your pants. And my asshole was itching and I couldn't get to it. I kept reaching it and my coach goes, what are you doing? I just said that my asshole's itching. And he goes, fart, that'll itch it. And I was like, huh. And I think about that moment last night, I think about your rowing at Rogan's that one time

for like an hour straight at a fucking like one minute 30. I mean, Kari, every time I wrote, every time I wrote, I think of that one video he did, we cut to the camera and he's like, he's been on for an hour and you were just, and my abs look so good. You were really not, it's unfair because I was just like thin from the weight loss

of more drinking. And as you go like this, you're as ripped as you're gonna be. I think about that every time I wrote, just that I go, because I hate rowing.ing that's a last that rowing with the last time I'd ever worked out Are you serious? I don't work out the way that shit. I just had spite driving me but no But like Tom's drive was when we did the first weight loss challenge. He was Joe. Yeah, I was the original Yeah, and Joe was like Joe wanted him to win the same thing with all these guys in tennis because there's no way Tom can win Because he's the underdog. That's why Joe is rooting so much for Tom and I picked myself as the blowhard

Overdog you are blowhard and so and we did the first weight loss challenge I remember distinctly getting nervous. I started getting competitive. I get competitive too. My therapist said I go I was like I think I'm gonna fucking lose this challenge And he was like why when I said I just I'm doing it. I'm done doing it the right way I'm doing it the wrong way and it's you're not gonna win with the wrong way I go wrong. I was eating pot roast cramming. Oh, yeah, I was cramming and I was eating I was taking Xanax and Ambien like offsetting them so I'd sleep and just not eat that way Ambien like offsetting them so I'd sleep and just not eat that way

And I remember telling my therapist and I was like I cannot get the energy up to work out and He was like he was like what's the worst thing that happens and I said I lose my fucking beard and he goes So what I said what do you mean so what and he goes so what he goes do you really give a fuck do you have it like He goes your comedian shouldn't you have like be like humble and just be like and I you can be the butt of the joke And I was like yeah, and he goes well then be the butt of the joke lose your fucking beard And he goes I bet I tell you what and he goes I bet more people Google the guy that lost the beard than the guy that won and I went Oh true interesting way to look at it Yeah, and then I was like yeah, I don't mind being the butt of the joke. I like I don't mind having Interesting way to look at it. Yeah, and then I was like, yeah, I don't mind being the butt of the joke I like I don't mind having

Being the one laughed at if I'm laughing too. You're great at it. Yeah, and I was like fuck yeah And so I I remember the night before weigh-ins I had pot roast. Oh, no I was like I was like, you know what and Tom goes you had a pot roast last night And I was like yeah, but not a lot. I just had a little bit. I he fucking fasted didn't drink water And he covered himself with lotion And I was like, yeah, but it not a lot. I just had a little bit of luck. He fucking fasted, didn't drink water. And he covered himself with lotion. That's why he was so mad when I go, no, the bet was weighing three days in a row.

So you don't cut. And you can see Tom, I like, all the go two days, Tom was another day of this. Tom said the worst he has ever physically felt was that day, the worst he had ever fully. Yeah, and I'm like, you got to measure him. It was like, why? Because you'll see, he was like that far under obese.

Joe, Joe, we're not finished on. Joe, we on not pull out a tape measure look for a million because times like I'm six one Fuck it elevator she's Tom fucking funniest because I Remember me going like you're the over six foot club just like me six one He got through he uses power to get through to Google. Oh, look at Joe's Joe, by the way, Joe's slightly taller than Eliza Schlesinger. Wait, it says I'm six foot there. Did someone change my Wikipedia? I bet Tom did that.

Look how evil he looks in that picture. He looked, he was a different guy when he had hair. I thought he got hair transplant. Yeah. So we got an offer from some company to get, let us get hair transplant. I'll do it in a second. Would you?

If I can tell, like what Bill Bursa, if not that staplent ant legs to your head. I'll do it. By the way, oh, that should be our sober October. We all get hair. What the hell? Did you, you guys pushed out the last one. None of you read your fucking books.

I did. No, we didn't. No one did. No one did. What, no one did. No one did. What are you talking about? No one did. Any so rock, turbo, last year. Two years ago, the last one we did. Oh, two years ago, I didn't post out.

I did. None of you read your books. You're supposed to read books. I definitely, I know I read one book. No wait, I read, I did read. No you didn't. Yeah, I did. First of all, you had to learn to for the first place.

I did read what book did I fucking read. Tell me the turtle plays soccer. I read a fucking did I fucking read to me the turtle play soccer? I read a fucking I read it supposed to read three I read I Did read I read you might have read one no I know I did I know I did Do you yeah because I was on the bus reading I was on the bus. It was a good book and I ended up talking to you about it It was it's called sports illustrator. I read a, no, I'm guarantee it was like a spy thriller. That's fine, that's fine, that totally works. You didn't read as much as you were supposed to.

I didn't read as much as you were supposed to. I remember being disappointed in you guys. And I took a bunch of lessons. The lessons was fun. The fucking surfing lessons was like, that's one I changed things when I was on tour and I was like, wait, if I'm not partying, we can do shit all day long and have a fucking blast. And then I was like, I can party and do shit all day long. I remember you guys doing the lessons and it was all, wait, if I'm not partying, we can do shit all day long and have a fucking blast.

And then I was like, I can party and do shit all day long. I remember you guys doing the lessons and it was all rich guy shit. And like, you're a bitch. And you went for a fucking apple. And took a Photoshop photo, took a Photoshop class at Apple. For free.

At the Apple store. You went to the fucking Apple store. Tom took highlights lesson. Yeah. Because I saw one guy like, wait a little bit. You guys, take your pants. Yeah. No, I was the one I said the other night. Let's last yeah I saw one guy like wait a relate you guys One I said the other night and I go hey, we should do we should do 30 hyperbaric chamber things and you go oh, that's relatable

Do a $200 pop thing that everybody can fucking do That you can you have to be where you find it. Oh my god, do you know what I saw last night? Did you see anything? Because I talked about it one time. I talked about Felicity Huffman, the whole college cheating scandal. Do you know anything about that? A little bit. Not much. I love it when it came out.

I was one of the great cancel stories. It was so fascinating because fucking Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin went to jail. Yeah, they went to jail. That's what they make sense. You're not allowed to bribe a college official? And by the way, it wasn't even bribeing a college official. What they were doing was they were going to less noticed programs that could end up just getting thrown off because there's no money coming in.

And this guy, I forget his name, he's Martin Singer or something, I've checked his name. So what he was doing is he was going and meeting the soccer coach or the sailing coach or the fencing coach. He was meeting them and saying, hey, I'd like to make my company

would like to make a donation to the sailing program. And so the sailing guy goes in and goes, hey man, we got $500,000. And they're like, the school's like great, love it. No questions asked. And all that they had to say, the woman that USC all they had to say was, we have scouted her as a hopeful for the sailing team

as a walk on. And then she, her admission. And a really bad team. So maybe she could get a. Well, sailing team, It's Stanford won the fucking Okay, champion. It's sailing, but so they would say you know, I think with with to be specific with the And by the way, this is all allegedly Rick singer was his name. This guy's a fucking cunt to Rick singer is a fucking cunt He man he

Fucked everyone because they busted him and you know what he did We're a wiretap and I was like, hey Felicity Huffman, do you remember when I got your kid in school? Like Mel Gibson's wife? And he goes, yeah, do you remember when I got you in a school and she was like, yeah, and he was like, well I'm getting audited

and I just wanted to make sure that we both know that I got you your daughter in school. And then Felicity Huffman's like, yeah, we're fine. And he was like, okay, but you remember that we both did that and you know that you did that. And she was like, yeah, and he was like, okay, bye, click, Felicity H make a go to jail. That's what he did to all of them, fucking all of them.

He got busted and instead of being a fucking man and going, I fucked up, I'm not taking everyone with me, he fucking took everybody out. He sold everybody out. He sold everybody out. Everybody out. But what's interesting, so Lori Loughlin's kid, Olivia Jade, he and her sister,

USC said we're gonna look at them as possible walk-ons. And then once you did that, and then they obviously, they bribed. I can't really condone any of that. They bribed USC. USC gets money for the soccer program. And then all they did was just go to school and never try out. Like, which, like, happened to me, I looked at for a walk on a floor state. I went to one practice and then was like, I was like, I'm never going to play baseball again. I just walked off and I was like, I don't give a fuck. I don't think it helped me getting into school. But I did one practice and then coach,

it coached that. No, he just goes, go down and catch the pictures. And I was like, what? And he was like, we've got like four catchers. So we can always use a bullpen catcher. And I was like, I'm gonna be a bullpen catcher for fucking five years. I was like, are you?

I walked. The most you've ever walked. Oh, that's awesome. I was like, I'm gonna be a bullpen catcher for fucking five years. I was like, I worry, I walked the most of that field. I walked off that field in a baseball uniform, walked to the dorms. My friends were all in the room, lights out, listening to pink Floyd. And on these lights, they had taken tin foil and poked holes so it looked like stars and they were getting high laying on the floor and they called it time traveling and I walked in and they were just about to do it and I took a hit a weed with just

just chit, I just gave me say the real name. Everyone's in there and I you edit their names out please and I walked in and I fucking I took a hit They're like how's practice I go I just quit baseball and they're like whoa you've played baseball your whole life And I said yeah, and they're like you I got offered scholarships to go to college to play and it florist They're like hey, we will look at you or whatever and I go I just quit baseball like a high and I laid down They're like what are you gonna do and I go I think I'm just gonna focus on partying. That's your Genesis. They're like, real?

That's your Spider-Man having his uncle killed. I laid in my cleats. I left, you know what's so crazy? I left my fucking baseball bag there. Cause I started walking to the bullpen and I got too embarrassed to go back and get it. And I just walked right out the left field fence. And I went in and I got high in a baseball uniform

with cleats on and I just stared at the thing as I thought, I said, I'm- Climb the dorm, like, crr- crr- crr- Yeah, and I went in and I got high in a baseball uniform with cleats on and I just stared at the thing and I thought Sally Hall was right by the baseball field and so I thought to myself I will never play baseball again and this has been a huge part of my life this is what I thought I would do and I was like I am giving up like baseball like it was weird. This is the original plot of the natural. Yeah Yeah, yeah should have been Dude, I would have loved to have seen Berkresher in college. It was I bet he was so much fun. I was there's still pretty fun. I was I'll tell you what I was more fun my freshman

sophomore Junior year, I was a very fun person meaning like I think you would have liked me more then because I didn't really party that much I did a little bit. That was really fun. I liked hiking. I liked mountain biking I liked I liked I liked fucking getting lost. I liked I really loved I really embraced when I got college And I tell myself I daughter Georgia she get ready to college. I said I embraced the idea that no one knew who I was That I was going to was college and I was meeting everyone to start over and I get started over reinvent yourself I was like as she's like what did you do? I said I bought Birkenstocks. I bought you wanted to be a hacky sack I know I wanted to be in a music

Yeah, I couldn't be in a music and high school. It's like you, you were one guy. Very new, you can't start over. Yeah, and so I got some widespread panic. I bought some dead, I bought some Bob Dylan, I bought fishbone album. Like I went to the, I bought all these albums, and I was like, I went to my room, and I spoke to a little weed, but I didn't need to party, I didn't need to party,

and I was such a different person than I was. When I got back from Russia, I was like, there's part of me that was broken. And I was like, I was part a different person than I was when I got back from Russia I was like there's part of me that was broken. I was like I Partied too much and yeah, and I had a I had to you know It's funny Joe was talking about I had a traumatic head injury Yeah, and so that's what makes you think you beat me in back in no I can destroy you in backgammon destroy you Okay, let's just let's just just, let's just real quick. Opening roll.

Open roll 6-5, you roll. Where do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you,

what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do, what do you, what do What? What? 6-5 opening roll, where do you move your... Yeah, you take it from first position all the way across. Okay, all right. All right, all right. Hey, that just cuts the weed out. There are people that go all beach,

but when we were on Go Big Show, there were guys that, like, I'm great at back am, and I'll play you, and you watch their first roll, and you're like, you don't know what you're doing. I think it's 6-5 in the thinking of it. 3-1, 3-1, and you're like, okay, you know exactly where you're going. So, it's gonna be in my friends that we played all the time.

We had a crown, we'd pass around the fucking community. Whoever wore the crown had the championship. You had to beat somebody two times in a row to get the fuck, two best of sevens. If somebody got a six five, you got a six five. I go, I command you to move in there just so you couldn't feel good about yourself. So my problem is, I will not turn down a double.

I will not reject if someone tries to double me. I always go oh Do you see the comeback yet dude? I play with the blacks over in Washington Square Park We do really play with black dudes in Washington Square Park. Yeah, those guys are playing back I thought they're playing chess. Yeah, and then you're like on a play pass I play back I'm on the girl. Let's go and you're like oh shit And that first you're like I could make this guys It's time I homeless but you make the same mistake when you're in Thailand. And a hooker says, wanna play Connect 4 for beers?

And you're like, I'll be the fucking street hooker, and Connect 4. I went to college. And then it hits you. You play Connect 4 all day. And I have a play for all day. All day. Yeah, you play Connect 4 all day.

And all they do, if anyone wants to go to Thailand, I have a great time, challenges, you know, there's a Connect 4. And you will see a fucking... Dude, so out there there professional connect for player. We're in, we're in, we're in Austria in college and one of the, one of the games on the street was like 20 bucks or whatever and it was, you got a nail and hit a nail with the back, with the back of the hammer. Yeah. And a big Italian guy goes, I got it, takes it and fucking one hit, hits it in,

and he goes construction rocker. And you're like, oh, you do it all day long. You forget, that's what the thing is. Yeah, you have to know if you go like this and tap it, or do you go like this and miss it. Cause if you wanna get that one, you have to hit. Cause that's same thing with comic, people heckle the comic, and you're like,

oh, my professional comedian. Best back-end play I've ever played. We're in Tel Aviv, We're in a cab away from somewhere to We're all gonna chip in and get a hotel room. Oh my god. We need to do we need to do is Keep going. I just got the most brilliant fucking idea We should do yeah We should do yeah Backgammon, but just like professional wrestling so it's me versus you and you you get one guy who's your dice roller Right, yeah, you get one guy who moves like a hot chick in a bikini. Oh, move your are vanna white. Yeah, yeah

We'll move your pieces for you. That's great. You're the brains right and so and then and then, no, then you get an actual hype, man, is talking shit about your team. So you get like, my Lawrence or fucking Dancer, man. Just to be shitting on your whole time, getting your out of your game. You'll be fucking with you. And then it's a, it's a four person game. So it's four person, I bet we get Pat and Oswald to do it. Let's all, Pat and Oswald's amazing at backgammon, apparently. I texted him, I texted him last night and I was like,

Hey, man, do you play back game a lot? And he was like, obsessively. Call text him right now until I said he'd go fuck himself. Oh, I'm a pass on that phone call. Over back, Amon. I bet we've done cut that out. I bet we can take all the comics who fucking play back Amon.

And you get a four person team. And you set it up real nice. Yeah, yeah, you dice roller. Like I find it Snoop Dogg Yeah, yeah, your dice roller like I I had Snoop Dog roll my dice right Snoop dogs roll my dice. I get I get fucking who do I get oh I'm a smell. Oh, I get Christy Mac moves my pieces and then my hype man would be I would take my Lawrence as a hype man He's good one and he's just talking shit. Canch Cliff would be not be bad. It's cliff would be fucking great Yeah, let's sell this as a fucking show.

I'm in. I'll let you sell it, but I'm in. This is how this is. Oh, I wonder if Tom can play back, Amin. I'm sure he'll say you can. Okay. Nadav. You can be um,

Nadav will talk to that history of such a- So why do you guys play backgammon so much? So it's just part of the Middle Eastern culture. They played all day. So we're in a cap where the guy goes, was he's- He's greatest backgammon. Yeah, we start playing, we start talking about backgammon so much. So it's just part of the Middle Eastern culture they played all day. So we're in a cab where the guy goes, was he talking about backgammon? Yeah, we start playing, we start talking about backgammon. And the two guys, next to me, this cab, there's one on the front and they're like, they don't play much, you know, I grew up with Israelis.

And so I was like, you want to play? And the guy's like, yeah, for your cab fare, double or nothing. And we didn't have that money. We were 18 and a half, you know. And so the deal was, free cab fare means we're gonna fucking live large, right? If we have to double this cab fare, we're sleeping on the beach. Like we cannot afford a hotel. And like, what do you think, Ari?

Like, it's like, can you win? And I'm like, I think I can, but it's a lot of the look of the dice, you know? That's the weird part. Yeah, remember, you know, at the very end, where you're like, I beat you pretty much, but if you get double six is only here, you will beat me. Yeah. And then sometimes they do.

So it's like that. And we're all so we played, we got it out. He had a board in the trunk, we played on the hood of the car, and I fucking beat him. Oh, shit. And it was, they were like, yeah, I didn't even mind because I didn't matter that much to him, but it was like, it was so fucking tense of like,

we don't want to sleep on the beach, we want to sleep in bed. That's fucking awesome. I don't think I have a greatest back payment story. I've been playing. Probably because you're not that good. I've been playing on. Probably can I tell you what's crazy is I've only played humans probably maybe 20 times.

You do it. it's like, so what do you do? Like video Parker where you're like, I know I'll raise them, they'll raise me back all it. But you just know how they'll do it. I play, I've been playing video backgammon for 18 years. I mean, you have trouble making friends? No, I, when I get anxiety on planes, I play a game. As soon as I have on the screen on the TV.

I played on the screens. I had, and I, it's been a while since I was a kid. Sometimes you can play with someone in another seat. I've done that. I've played, but like sitting across from someone, like a go big show we had backgammon boards. I got a small backgammon, I carry around. No, shoot, do not.

I was it there. Ah! Ah! Cut that out. You know who just, no, she do not. Oh, is it there? Ah! Ah! You can cut that out. Let's cut that out. No, keep it in. You know who just learned how to do that? What? My daughter, I love.

Dude, I did it to Jay's daughter. She look at my phone thing. It's her full female. She just learned how to do that. I did the Jay's daughter in Thanksgiving. She was 14. And I was like, hey, I brought something for you. You gotta do, you gotta couch it with that.

I brought something for you. So they're like looking gotta catch it with that. I brought something for you. So they're like looking forward to it. Or you're looking for it and I pulled it out. She just goes, her whole world changed. She's like, what the fuck? And that's an adult, first of all. Also, I can use that at school so well. It was just like, it was just so much to take in.

So my, my. That was a dumb one. Of course, you can have a back-end travel set in my pocket. My co-lead on the, on the machine is beautiful. I won't, by the way, I'm not saying her name. I don't want anyone to know who she is. I want her to just, I think, certain things I think about movies should be more secret.

I think it's better if you see her for the first time and go, I did not expect to see that person. But she was, she's from Croatia and I said, I said to her, I did a joke to her and it was the greatest way to do this joke. I said, I said, have you seen D's and she goes, she goes, D's what? Oh my God. And I said, D's nuts. And then she would go, D's nuts and she would, she would, she would go, these knots. And she would, she'd understand it, right?

So then, so then now think of all the ones you got loaded up. So I go, I go, oh shit, you got it. You got it, you got it with, what are these? I think, yeah, that doesn't work. I go, you got an up dock on your shoulder. And she goes, what's a up dock? I mean, it was so much fun, but then she, how much is what? then she almost says what?

For real you got a smada baby on your ear. What's the matter? I mean it was so fun, but then what happened is it backfired it backfired and I think at a point it caused a riff in our relationship Because she thought I was making fun of her and I was like no, it's an inside joke So then she didn't get it until she did these nuts to someone else It's but because she had an accent. It was so great. She goes up Peter Peter Have you seen these and he goes these what and she goes these knots? She would do it like boy. It was the fucking funniest these knots Oh Dude, it's been a great episode. How's it usually by the way? And it's a lot of me to carry a lot of the load

Jesus Christ. I thought that was push No, it's funny. I I'm I'm the only like to do guest bears with people that I really know very well I mean because I don't want to have to interview them. We were talking about the interview podcast, and I say this as my podcast. I have one too, skeptic tank and broadcast is pretty much interview. It was better 10 years ago when stories weren't out,

but this kind of shit, fun shooting the shit is the best. Oh it's the best. I just changed my interviews to either people I've found online that I'm fascinated by, like this guy Van Nijstad or two dudes and drinking always. Two dudes drinking, talking shit. Jay did that one. I mean, I mean, Jay-Z.

You, you, you, you, Jay and, uh, you, Jay and Tony Hinscliffe for the whole time. But those were always the best is when you're partying a little bit and then, and then I brought back my open tabs podcast. You did. I thought that was the most brilliant one. That was, I should have listened to you. You did, I thought that was the most brilliant one. I should have listened to you with a very beginning. And because I, it was too much for me to do, but yeah, the open tabs I just brought back.

It's a great one. So sometimes there's new podcasts which is like, oh, that's a good angle on a new thing. Are you garbage you gotta do when you're in New York? And it's just like ask you questions about your garbage life. And so at stories you don't normally do, the open tabs is like, it's just like it'll just lead to conversation you've never had. There's a podcast out there. I feel that I'm so bad for you. There's a podcast out there that I saw on TikTok. Yeah. And it's these guys breaking down old movies and they tell you things like they break down in Sino Man. And then

they're like, did you know that Pauli Shore and all his movies would have Brendan Fraser show up as Link and say something about eating a frog and then they go and show you all the clips or they go they break down Sandlot and they or they they go In Encino man, do you know who this band was it was Jello Biafria or whatever's name Steve Perkins a drummer from what you call it and they're like they were in this movie and this is like from James addiction and and they're like they it's so good. Do you know what it is? Kids are I'm fucking starting

Someone really partyied this week. Did you? I like when we were starting my sober October, you were like, no, I'm already sober. I can't remember. I was around to be. Can you check your history on TikTok? How long have you been on there?

No, I just saw it this morning on TikTok. Is there a setting where you could tell if you're too old for it? Dude, there are so many attractive people on TikTok. Look at this. Nick Diaz. I mean, look how old this is. This is something. Someone just puts this content on TikTok.

Let's see if I follow them. Dude, I'm amazed at how many fights start on TikTok and don't get finished. What do you mean, arguments? People are going, yeah, I'll slap you, I fucking slap you. That's the internet. I see if I can follow these guys. Fakers.

I got them, I got them. They're called Confused Breakfast. And they're fucking content. Their podcast is possibly one of the most fascinating things I've ever seen. Confused Breakfast. And so like. I like that idea of like looking at stuff that you grew up with in a new light. Okay, there's a, what?

57 Chevy. It's like a 57 Chevy I used to have. So 57 Chevy is what he drove in dirty dancing. Oh, I thought that was kind of cool. So they give you like these little insights that you're like, oh, it's fucking. That's like all the Tantino where we were just smoking their red apple cigarettes.

Yeah. And it's like the world he sets up. It's the same world all the time. Well, where they're just smoking their red apple cigarettes. Yeah. And it's like the world he sets up. It's the same world all the time. Well, he talks about there's so many movies where they're connected to another movie. Like this guy, what was the one they said? They said, you ready for this? They go, stand by me.

Key for Sutherland is the guy who gets a gun pulled on him and then he's like, like and we never saw him again They go well what he did was he traveled down the coast to Santa Barbara and he met the vampire from lost guy lost boys And he gave him the blood he drank it and he turned in that is the same character. It's like a connection Stephen King stuff has the same way. Yeah, yeah, and it's I just found it. I love that shit. I fucking And by fine them on TikTok. I find I just so many attractive people on TikTok You look on the TikTok everyone's hot and then you walk into a Walgreens and you're like what the fuck? It's not that great. It's not like literally so many people are ugly as I passed at the right aid on sunset

Whatever it is I passed a long time ago 15 years ago and lives by there, like, just some housewife. Just some, like, we're in sweatpants, no ass, just kind of gross, you know, and I pass by, and I'm like, okay, and then I'm like shopping around, and I come around her face, and it's like, just a housewife face, and I gross, but I call her an electro.

No. Do you know what call an electro's real name is? Come guzzler?ra. No. Do you know what Carman Electra's real name is? Come guzzler? Nope. Nope. Carman Electra's real name is a fuck. It's a famous porn star took Carman Electra's real name and used it as her name. Oh really? What is Carman Electra's real name?

Terrapatric. Terrap real name? Terrapatric Terrapatric is Terrapatric it goes my porn star name is gonna be Carmen Electra's real name. There'll be no Prince Carman Electra's how the shit the crazy one is the film is something you drop the mask and you're like What like when you just when you see a chick and you see the eyes, you're like, oh my God, you, it wakes you think everyone's got beautiful eyes. And then you drop the mask, you're like, what happened to you,

chin? Just say, it goes right into your chest. Or you start them teeth. Or when you hear like customer service person on the phone, you're like, oh, they sound hot. I'm trying to, I'm like, they paste some of what. There was a, there was a check that was,

I was with a bunch of people and she had a mask on and they were like, they were like, hey, she's gotta be gorgeous. And I was like, well, you gotta get a lower mask and they're like, how are you gonna do that? And that problem solving, I had so much fun problem solving. How would make someone lower their mask? And so I, and I figured it out first

and I got it and they're like, no, I go watch me get it. And so I bring over to the table and I figured it out first and I got it and they're like no I go watch me get it and so I Bring over to the table. I go hey, can you can't ask you something? Is this spicy to you nice? I gave her a pretzel like was this spicy? She was spicy. I said my friend had had COVID So he has no sense of taste. I think it's spicy. You can't taste it. She goes but as soon as I said is this spicy the all whole table went She lowers her mask and then they all go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the mask and she goes, well, you can tell she's beautiful. I go, nope, she has a little mask. And I go, now you gotta really do some fucking math, okay? You're seeing a set of eyes that are, and arguably some of the prettiest eyes I've ever seen. She's got eyes that pretty and she's that age. And you think she is, in fact, beautiful.

Why isn't she on Instagram influencer? Or why isn't she, why is she a flight attendant? There's gotta be something off. She's a flight attendant, Leanne. She goes, no, that's not true. So you'll see, so get her little boxes, lady comes over and I go, I gotta ask you a question. I have no sense of taste.

These pretzels, are they spicy? She goes like this, and Leanne goes, what the fuck? And then Caesar and the woman was disgusted. She's a doctor mask, teeth were all fucked up. Just like really skinny lips. And she was like, I don't think so, and Leanne fucked up, just like really skinny lips and she was like, I don't think so. And Leanne's like, how the fuck I go?

It's my first fucking roll around the block in COVID. I have fucking find out what people look like. A lot more attractive men, a lot more attractive men than women. The mask has benefited a lot of women. It's shocking. No, not even, I mean. Deroza had one where he's like talking to some chick

and he was like hitting it off with her and he was like, let me see what that's like. Because on the date, maybe, how about do you want? And he was like, love the idea. That should be a fucking game show. That should be a game show. It is in England. Are you serious?

It's way worse than what you're thinking. One person dating. Yeah. Three people wanting to date that person. That's a standard dating scene setup, right? You ask them questions, they're behind a wall, each one in their own wall tube. You ask a few questions.

You're now out of the camera shot. Okay. And then, and then fuck you and fuck you. No, no, are you doing a visual of what they do? They go, and then you can't see. Yeah. After the first set of questions, the wall that each person's in goes up and reveals them from the waist down naked.

I'm loving that. After the second set of questions, it goes up to their chests. You were limited another one. And after third, then you see their face, then you choose which one you want. You see their dicks and their pussies. That's England for you.

Wow. Yeah, I told you, my idea of a dating show, they bring you up onies. That's England for you. Wow. Yeah. I told you, my idea of a dating show, they bring you up on stage. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ari Shaffir. No ladies, it's all women in the audience. Okay. This is Ari Shaffir.

All right, tell them about yourself. You tell them about yourself. Have a little pitch. Awesome. Sit down. Everyone on your seat, you'll see a keypad with numbers from one to 10. Vote what you think Arias, rate them. And then you hit areas and they go, okay, arey.

The audience has voted you a seven and you're like seven. They're like, all right, now ladies, underneath you'll see what areas rated each of you. Wow. You they pulled out and you're like, okay, all you ones to six is get the fuck out So then they go so then they go arey you can take this seven who rates with you they get five sevens right These are all five sevens and these are all five tens the tens you go to fucking put put golf at the sink and sit over there

You don't know or you can go to Greece with this seven. And you're like, fuck, I'm gonna put it up with this one. Dude, you take a seven all day. Unless, because you know they'll go for it. Unless the 10, I know is Jewish, and they'll have an unnatural attraction to me. David Taylor would say, I was not when he saw a girl looking at me, like at the store, he'd just go up.

I'm like, hey, are you Jewish by chance? Because how would I know that? I was mad just that on. So wait, so wait, do you think Jewish women have an unattractive, just a naturally, like Chelsea Handler, do you think she's just naturally attracted to you because she's Jewish? Chelsea Handler's Jewish?

Oh yeah. Didn't know that. Yes, she would rate me higher because it's just in them. I look like the type of thing that they want. Wow. Yeah, it's not, so it's like the non-Jewish rating versus the Jewish, it's like your GPA in major and out of major, you know? It's like that's two different scores.

Yeah. Wait, so wait, let's go, who the most, this is an hour and 45 minute podcast. I got fucking, I got physical therapy in 30 minutes. Who's the hottest Jewish women in Hollywood? Princess, the new Princess lady. Who? The one who's closer.

The one that was in the second series of, of, of Star Wars. The 2001 Star Wars. I don't know. On the next episode of Two Bears One Cable, find out who the hottest woman is. No, you guys know who that is, don't you? Get a brand new since Jewish, right? She's Greek.

No. No, it's the, you know her, you know her. She's in the movie closer, just look that up, you'll get it. And the one who's the new Princess Lady of the 2001 Star Wars. Natalie Portman's Jewish? Yeah. Oh my God.

Yeah, she is fucking gorgeous. Gorgeous. She's the one. She is. Oh, and Gal Gadot. Oh, Gal Gadot. I didn't move with her. I know, I know.

I know, I know. I was like trying to talk to her. I mean, she's stunningly hot. And I say stunning. I mean, you're stunned talking to her. Did you go up trying to go, Shalom? Yeah, I tried to like connect. I was like, my dad's from Perthikba, from Israel.

And she goes, oh. As long as I know, I just hit me later. I'm like, that's not impressive from where she's from. Like, yeah, I know a lot of people from there. I watched the guy do that to my old friend did that to a bunch of girls that were speaking Italian and he was like, you know, they were talking Italian, and he just leaned over and he goes, I speak Italian.

And then I go, hey, why would you do that? And I go, do you realize how stupid is this? Can you imagine just someone turning around and go, I speak English? Yeah, badly. I speak it not as good as you. All right, we gotta wrap this up. We gotta do ads and I have physical therapy.

It was great doing a podcast with you. It was funnest shit, dude. It was a blast. Can I promote my tour? Yeah, please. I laughed Gannestan tour as of right now. That was your fans named it? Yeah, that's what Gannestan, Gannestan.

What's the artwork look like? That was not bad. You're in that one. I am? Yeah. At that table, I've been taken over the Kabul office, you know, the old president's office. No. Bring it on Instagram.

So you're pre-sales just started or if you're general on sale right now for our Shafri left Afghanistan tour. And that's, I don't know, maybe who did make it? Whiskey rampage. That's great. Yeah. To Coma. To Coma, Spokane,ando, Tampa, Miami, Oklahoma.

It might be a big day. Ooh, a big sold out, what's sold out? What's Houston is sold out? Houston's sold out. Boston is coming and then I, Denver next year, all sorts of stuff, but all these different, I get, yeah, if you follow my Instagram, I'm already sure, fear. This is just a different. Let's sell out for Boston.

Do two shows at the Wilbur. I'm not exactly fucking exponentially better. I did two shows last time. Yeah. I was changing my life. Actually, can I show you the one? Because anyone who gives me a legitimate real Photoshop that makes me laugh or cringe in a good way, I'm posting it.

Unless it's like straight nudity. And there's been two that I have not posted. OK. One was me as a cop with my knee on a neck. And I'm like, uh-uh, not doing it. And I was right, yeah, they gave it to me. And then here is the other one that I'm like, I can't, I can't.

I'll you brother. Bird, Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top and swat the other, wears a shirt. I love you brother. Amateur, Fatology, Dirty Jokes, Ranchie Huber, No Apologies, Here's what we call