2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ever Been Knocked Out? w/ Brian Simpson | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

SPONSORS: Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BEARS for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Download the DoorDash app and use promo code BEARS24 Go to https://Babbel.com/BEARS to get up to 60% off your subscription. Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week Tom and Bert are joined by comedian Brian Simpson and he and the bears talk thrill rides over some micheladas. They also talk about gift giving and the hardest person to shop for(it's Joe Rogan). They also talk about bushes, the things men are delusional about, knockouts, breadwinners, legacies, and inheritances. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 240 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% We are rolling we're here Bertrand is in Austin and Joining us today. We're very excited one of our absolute favorite comics one of the best comics working today You can see his new special it's been out. It's called live from the mothership. It's on Netflix Oh, so fucking good. Ryan Simpson everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Listen that round of applause. Yeah, it's awesome Do. It's Brian Simpson everybody. Thank you, thank you. Let's give that round of applause. Yeah, it's awesome.

Do you remember the first time you met me? No. I do. Wait a minute, well you know, you remember the first time you met me. Yes. Okay, yeah. Because I didn't like you. Oh really? Yeah. I didn't know that.

Well no, because it's you, and I know now that I know you, I just know that you're not like this fucking sparkle razzle dazzle guy, you're like, hi. Oh yeah, man, I get, I know you, I just know that you're not like this fucking sparkle razzle dazzle guy. You're like, hi. Oh yeah, man. I get, I mean, look, I'm definitely, I'm probably neurodiverging in some way that they had,

you know what I mean? Yeah. I ain't gonna say autistic, but like it's something. I just, my interactions be real clinical. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Cause I'm in my business. You know, like the first time I met Joe was with Tom, right?

Remember the main room in the green room? Yeah. And they start, they got the talking and I put my headphones on. Cause I was like, oh, what they talking about ain't none of my business. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.

Cause it was like, cause like it was secret time. You feel me? Yeah. And it's like, if whatever they talking about get out, I don't want them to be like, you know what, that little n***a sitting over there. So I just put my headphones on. Dude, I love the way your mind works. You feel me? Yeah, and it's like if whatever they talk about get out I want them to be like I love the way your mind works, but to other people that looks like rude, right? I get it. Yeah, why you sitting here with your headphones on like some kind of weirdo? You never think of someone's perspective being like that, right?

But yeah, but you also the way you socialize see I relate to the way you socialize Yeah, you guys are so fucking similar Bro, honestly, so often Tom and I will have the same exact angle on something. Yeah. Really? That we've never spoken about. Yeah.

It's nuts. Yeah, but the first time I saw him, I was like, yeah. He was one of the people that I was like, this guy's really funny. And I told people right away, I was like, you gotta see this guy. I've heard you on that two bears. I was in certain, no, no, I was in LA.

I was in LA at the time. It was during, right around the pandemic, I think. Yeah, it was a few years ago. And you had never heard of me. You met me, you never heard of me. And then you did two bears. I was like, he's still never heard of me? You met me, you never heard of me. And then you did two bears. I was like, he's still never heard of me? And then he never, and then throughout the whole thing,

he brought me up once and he just went past. He was like, yeah, whatever. And then I tried to become friends again. And I was like, hey, does Brian have a big head? Cause I have size eight head. I have a lot of hats I can give him. And you just were like, I don't think he'd be interested. And I was like, how fucking hard do I gotta

try to get these guy to fuck with me? No, no, no. I'll fuck with you'd be interested. And I was like, how fucking hard do I gotta try to get these guys to fuck with me? No, no, no. How the fuck would you burp? You know what I'm saying? I'll always be grateful for both of y'all because, you know, especially, well, you, Tom and Christina, because, you know, Tom and Christina went out of their way to help me when like, nope, there was nothing,

you know, they got nothing out of it, you know? This is the best time to help somebody. I know, but it was like, that doesn't happen often. Or it wasn't happening often at the time, you know? So they just helped me for no reason other than I was funny. It's weird, because like, okay, there's people I've helped in their career that have said to me, hey, thank you very much.

But then sometimes like, do you ever feel like it's still not enough? Where you go like, I kind of need you to say that a little more often. I was totally thinking the opposite when you said that. Because this is like, Bert has said, oh my God, it's such an interesting peek into someone's psyche. First of all, he's like, just start from the beginning.

He goes, do you remember when you met me? Most people don't say that. Right, right, right. He's like, what are remember when you met me? Most people don't say that. He's like, what are your memories of meeting me? And then, then he's like, I tried to get you to like me. I don't like that. I didn't feel it right away. And now he's talking about essentially being like a charitable person being like,

yeah, I need a little more fucking feedback. No, you know what it is though? You have to remember that most shit ain't really about you. That's very true. Like when you make, cause you can have a lot of animosity when you make shit that's about you. Yes. You know what it's like? Yes.

It was like, cause it felt like a slight, but it wasn't even about you at all. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's like, so I just don't be thinking about it. I'm so oblivious to certain shit. But you seem like, when you say this stuff, like I'm serious, one of the things's like, so I just don't be thinking about it. I'm so oblivious to certain shit. But you seem like, when you say this stuff, I'm serious, one of the things is like, I always think that you're super funny, but you also seem like wise beyond your years.

Like you have like a very healthy perspective on things. And I think what you're saying right now, that's what they teach you in like self-health books. Yeah, well I'm good at saying wise shit, but I don't be living by it. No? Okay, good. That's why you're a good comic. Like I'm more any than, shit, but I don't be living by it. No? Okay, good. That's why you're a good comic. I'm more any than Socrates.

I'd be out here doing dumb shit. It's even worse for me because people would be expecting me to make wise decisions. And they'd be like, you bought what? Yeah, yeah. You bought what? You love gadgets and shit. Man, too much.

What's like some of the, cause I bet you have shit that like, all of us hear about, right? You actually go and get it. Yeah, I have a, I'm digging the gaming now, right? So I have a super ultra wide 53 inch Samsung, it's like a curved joint,

so you feel like you in a cockpit. Yeah, yeah. Oh wow. Yeah, that's probably my. Your indulgence? Yeah. And you have like Oculus and all, like you in a cockpit. Yeah, yeah. Oh wow. Yeah, that's probably mine. Your indulgence? Yeah. And you have like Oculus and all, like you have like VR headsets. I got all that shit,

and I don't even use most of the shit sometimes. You got me to buy Oculus. Oculus was dope, right? Do you remember you came over to my house and you were like, can I show you something you're gonna really love? And I was like, yeah. How is this?

It's pretty good, it's actually really good, I'm surprised. You can get these in the gas stations in here in Texas, and they are, it's like a michelada. Yeah. What, the seasoning's in the cup? It's on the rim there. And then you pour the, you're supposed to pour the whole thing in, but I have high blood pressure,

so I was like, I'm not gonna pour the whole thing in. You get, here, where's the opening? I'm gonna fuck with it. Right here. Here, you wanna open it for him? Yeah, yeah. But yeah, you put me on Oculus, and I immediately, that day, I bought one.

And then Ayla and I were at the beach, and we were going fucking, I mean, it was wild. You could go scuba diving, and it felt like scuba diving. Oh yeah, that shit's crazy. I was scuba diving, and I was holding my breath. Like, I was holding my fucking breath. And then you can go, we went on a balloon ride, a hot air balloon ride.

Have you ever been on a hot air balloon, Brian? No. Do you have any interest in doing a hot air balloon ride? Yeah, I'll do that. Do you do roller coasters and shit too? Oh yeah, I love roller coasters. For real? Oh my God, yeah, hell yeah.

Like what's your favorite roller coaster? We should do a travel show where we go fucking, ride all the top ones in the fucking country. He's done that show. Oh right. Yeah. That's right. You'd be shocked how unfulfilling that is.

He also told me that there is a disproportionate amount of neurodivergent people that love them. Right, like trains? Yeah, trains and roller coasters. It's the craziest thing. Autistic kids love roller coasters. I fucking love it, dude. I love it.

They like getting locked in and being on the tracks. Dude, in fact, I had a homie that, he was in Marine Corps with me. I hadn't seen him in a long time. And it was his daughter's birthday. And they were coming to, they were going to, what's near LA? Is it Six Flags or?

Six Flags. Yeah, it's Six Flags. So he was taking his daughter to Six Flags for her birthday. And, but he hadn't seen me in a long time. And it was also my birthday. So he was like, yo, come through Six Flags, let's hang with the family. And so him and his wife was doing this thing

where they split up with the kids. So it just happened to be the configuration was his daughter, his youngest daughter wanted to ride the teacup so she can't get on the big ride. So he took her so he could have some daddy, one-on-one daddy time with the daughter. But the teenager whose birthday it was, it was me, her, and her mother.

And we were waiting on the, what the fuck is the name of that roller coaster? The X, no, no, the X something. X is one over in the corner with the X2. The X2 is crazy tight. You can't even tell what direction you're going sometimes. Yeah. And the wait was like two and a half hours.

It was spraying all that shit, and we got close to the front. Flames come up, it's wild. Yeah, we get close to the front of the line, and the daughter gets scared. Cause I'm hearing shit. See, that's the other thing. I hear it, I look like I'm not paying attention,

but I'll be picking up on shit. So I picked up on the fact that the daughter was whispering to the mother that like, she didn't wanna get on it. So, but then the mother came up to me and acted like she was sick. Cause she didn't want me to blame the daughter for, and she was like, yeah, so like, I ain't feeling well,

so I'm gonna go ahead and get out of line. But she said it in such a way where she like expected all of us to get out of line. And I was like, okay, I I ain't feeling well, so I'm gonna go ahead and get out of line. But she said it in such a way where she expected all of us to get out of line. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna be here, bitch. I'm about to get on this roller coaster. Two times. Yeah, like this ain't my kids. You know what I mean? So I got on that motherfucker, man, and they never did.

They was waiting for me when I got on. Two hours later, I was like, hey man, and I'm getting back on, I'm getting back in line. I did roller coasters a bunch as a kid. Like, cause we lived near- Why you stop? I mean, just, I don't know man. Pussy.

I feel like your boys wild, they'll love a roller coaster? No, what they do is they talk mad shit and then they get up front, they're like, what's up, this seems fucking dangerous. Yeah, they totally tap out. We took them to fucking Disneyland, I was like, what do you guys wanna do? They're like, the teacups.

Oh man. We got out the teacups. And then we had to get, we got them on other rides, but they were like, I don't know about this. It's dark in here. Like they were panicking. I love the day. Like I love it when, you ever get on a roller coaster

and you get to a certain part and you're like, damn, if my arm was sticking out a little more, I would have lost an arm, always. It's called, there's a term for it. It's called proximity thrill, I think. There's an exact term for it, where they get things so close that you feel like it's gonna hit you. And there's a lot of things that they-

Dude, Space Mountain, which is like, there's a lot crazier roller coasters, but the fact that it's dark in there, so you don't see what's happening, the whole time you're like, I'm gonna get decapitated. That's what you just keep thinking the whole time you're there because you feel that it's right above your head and you can't see it.

But the whole time you actually feel like you're gonna lose a limb. I know so much about stupid fucking roller coasters. Like I have so many terms in my head. Like I can tell you how much they paid for X2. I did interview the guy who built it. It's crazy. But my favorite ride at Magic Mountain is Superman.

Superman, it is a straight. It's fantastic. It's like, it was an air compression ride that shoots you up and then you get a moment of free fall and then you come back down. You get a moment of weightlessness and then you get a moment of free fall. Oh yeah, so the top roller coaster in the world is one of those. a moment of free fall and then you come back down. You get a moment of weightlessness and then you get a moment of free fall.

So the top roller coaster in the world is one of those. Were you talking about top roller coaster? So they go back and forth between the one in. Top thrill dragster and Cedar Point. And the one in China. It's in another country. There's another one, there's another one in New Jersey. The drag, right, in Jersey, it's in the Bush Gardens, right?

No, in Jersey at Six Flags. Six Flags, okay, yeah. And that's the taller one of the two, and it is fucking crazy. You wanna hear, I mean, listen, I could tell Roller Coasters, Toys for Our, the top-to-all dragster, you can find this footage, you can find this footage, and you'll be blown away.

I got something called a Rollback. So it's a ride that takes off, and I think you can take off at like 86 miles an hour. You just take off flying and then it shoots you up 560 feet and then type in top Bert DeConqueror top thrill dragster rollback and it shoots you up over the thing, gets real slow at the top and then you drop down the other side. Well, it's an air compression ride so if you wait too long the air starts leaking out and it doesn't have what it needs to take to shoot you up over the top and so I got to the top and

Mine fucking stalled and it got stuck and I started losing my shit Because I didn't want to be stuck at five hundred and ten feet in the air and we rolled backwards scroll forward scroll forward scroll and scroll if This is yeah, keep going. Yeah. Okay, you ready? Watch. We go up to the... oh no, go back, go back a little bit. You missed it. Okay, this is me going forward. Okay. And then we get up to the top. And then it fucking stops. stops And we rolled backwards I didn't know that you can roll again they set us up again

It happened three fucking times so what happened three fucking time. Why is this happening? I was so mad. I was so fucking mad. Is somebody making a mistake or is this some shit happening to me? You really crying there? I was really crying, yeah. I cried a bunch on this show. So it's the time period they have when they load the ride,

they load the ride. You're so skinny. I know. I've trimmed my beard differently then too. If they filled up with like say a thousand units of air to compress it, but as you wait, all of a sudden the air starts leaking out and and if they don't have the proper amount to push you over The top you roll back. I rolled back three times. They only show one I think on this but I rolled back three fucking times

Wow, and I was fucking livid, but you are fascinated you have an encyclopedic knowledge of yourself Yeah, you know, he knows everything of yourself. Yeah. You ever notice? He knows everything about himself. I wish I had that level of self- Enjoyment? Yeah. We're this close to crowning an NBA champ, and with the action heating up on the court,

it's even hotter at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA. And DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA. And DraftKings Sportsbook has you covered every step of the way. With same game parlays, live betting, odds boosts, and so much more, don't miss out as the NBA postseason winds down. It's super easy to get started with DraftKings

if you're a first timer. Try betting on something like a team to win. Go to the DraftKings Sportsbook app, select your team and place your first bet. It's that simple. Nothing better than betting on the highest stakes of all and there's nothing like the NBA Finals. So get in on the action right now.

If you're new to DraftKings, you gotta check this out. New customers bet five bucks to get 150 in bonus bets instantly. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and use the code BEARS. That's code B-E-A-R-S for new customers to get 150 and bonus bets when you bet just five bucks. Only on DraftKings, the crown is yours.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Or in West Virginia, visit 1-800-GAMBLER.NET. In New York, call 877-8HOPENY or text HOPENY467369. In Connecticut help is available for problem gambling call 888-789-77777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boothill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 and over. Age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. See dkng.co slash bball for eligibility

and deposit restrictions, terms, and responsible gaming resources. Is your beer fridge feeling a little empty? DoorDash is your door to beer without the run. Whatever drink you're in the mood for, they've got you. Order your alcohol with DoorDash today and drink in the savings. Use code BEARS24 to get 25% off up to $15 value

on a $35 minimum subtotal on your next alcohol order for eligible users only. I mean, this is like, why would you leave your house? You're sitting around, you're sitting with friends, you're watching the game, you're hanging out. You don't wanna make a run. Have them make the run for you. The alcohol selection on DoorDash is top shelf.

With thousands of stores all over the country, you're sure to find what you're looking for and more. Beer, wine, mixers, mocktails, and more can be delivered straight to your door, save up to 25% off, up to a $15 value, when you spend $35 or more with the code BEARS24. So whether you're grabbing drinks for an event or staying in for the night,

DoorDash is here to help you have a great evening, any evening. Terms apply, must be 21 or older to order alcohol, drink responsibly, delivery and promotions available only in select markets. Game Time makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier, even if you don't buy tickets right away.

Prices on the Game Time app actually go down the closer it gets to show start time. With killer last minute deals, all in prices, views from your seat, and their lowest price guarantee, Game Time takes the guesswork out of buying concert tickets. This is the way to go. Whether you're going to a show, a game, anything you wanna see live, you have to use Game Time.

Save up to 60% off buying last minute for sports, concerts, comedy, theater, and more. You can save money with exclusive in-app deals on select seats or save even more when you choose a section and let Game Time choose the seats. Check out their all-in pricing feature that shows the total upfront with no surprise fees at checkout.

Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app, create an account, and use the code word BEARS for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply again. Create an account and redeem code BEARS for $20 off. Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed.

Like yeah, he can give you all the stats. He does, yeah, he does know all of it. I know a lot about Burt. Yeah. I'm a big fan of mine. You're Burt's Burt. I love me, I love me some me. Wasn't that Trelo and saying?

Yeah. I love me some me. Like do you ever have to pump yourself up? Like do you ever deal with depression? Yeah, of course, yeah. Oh really? Yeah, but I don't know if it's depression, depression. It's more like just anxiety and like,

kind of like a sense of doubt of like, I find myself annoying as fuck. Like sometimes I'll listen to myself. If I hear my voice, I go, I fucking hate the sound of my voice and I'll listen to Two Bears sometimes and then I'll go like, why the fuck are you? Let Tommy talk. Like, it'll drive me nuts,

but I can't help it at the moment. Do you ever do that while it's happening? No. See, I do, like, sometimes I'm like, stop talking, be quiet, shut the fuck up, and I can't stop. You know, I do it to a high degree. Really?

Yeah, where I completely shut down. You know what I mean? If I, the voice you're talking about, where it's like, don't talk right now, I'll just be in a group and I'll be like, don't talk. And then to the point where someone will be like, is everything okay? And I'm like, yeah.

Yeah. But that's, the problem with me is that when I'm always in such a good mood and I'm always talkative, that when I stop talking, everyone thinks something's wrong with me. Like there was a period of time when we were doing Rogan, when we were doing like Sober October things, where I actually was like, just stop talking.

Like don't, every time you say something, it seems to be either made fun of or it pisses Joe off. And there was, I remember one episode where you guys are three talking and I didn't talk for like, there's gotta be a clock. I'm sure it was probably 10 minutes. I didn't talk for like 20 minutes and I just sat there silent and Joe goes, are you okay?

And I was like, I'm fine, I'm just listening. Like this is what other people do, why can't I do it? I mean, I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They think something's wrong with you. Yeah. Wow.

Fuck, yeah, yeah. I can tell when I exhaust people. And I don't, and Joe, when Joe gets pissed, it's kinda, like, it was weird, it's like, he's never killed anyone or hurt anyone. Yeah. Like in comedy, but it's still like the fear is there that he would flip out and fucking because it's capable

I guess well, there's two there's there's levels of Joe. I think it is a curious Conversation to have because there's the first there's the The scratch the surface level of Joe where you can get the the Joe that goes. Yeah. No, no leave walk walk away I'm not talking to you. I've seen that Joe I've seen that happen and it's like especially when you know and then and then there's the Joe just met you fun Kind of new to Joe. There's that then there's this Joe that we all know where we know him very well Yeah, and so then you can see another level of Joe when you like Like I've driven Joe fucking bonkers out of his mind before like just exhausted him. And he gets frustrated with you and you go,

okay, I gotta give Joe some space. But then there's this part of Joe when he knows you for a long time, there's a love he has for you, where you're never gonna get off his fuckin' out of his love. But he's real honest. It's funny, I watch people go,

I don't think Joe likes me. I go, he doesn't know who the fuck you are. He doesn't know you. Like, he doesn't know you. You're not on his radar for him not to like. I know who he doesn't like, and fuck you are. Like he's never, he doesn't know you. Like he doesn't know you, you're not on his radar for him not to like. I know who he doesn't like and you're not on that fucking list.

Right, right, right. Well, I know he loves both of you, I know he loves me. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. He's gonna help me out so many times. Yeah, he's the greatest, man. I've said it a million times. Impossible to buy a gift for. It's hard to buy presents for all of y'all

because y'all are so successful, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like y'all are at the point where like, you pretty much, you have all the stuff you want. So it was like, you gotta buy something they can't get. Oh my God, you got me an awesome gift. That was fucking awesome. Oh yeah, have y'all used that thing? I'm talking about the frame.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's what I mean. So I finally got to him. You got to get him. Where'd you go? It was a picture of a moment on his tour that he didn't know. Like it was a special moment

and I got with his photographer and I had it made into like a steel thing. It's fucking beautiful. Oh, that's great. But it was like, he never saw it coming. But that's what I mean. It's not about, it didn't cost a lot, but it was like.

It's thoughtful. Right, but it's difficult. So I feel like, I don't like obligatory gifts, but if I ever find the perfect one, I'ma get it. And I'ma buy it then. But it's not about like, it's your birthday or whatever the fuck. It's just waiting for the moment.

Cause a gift is like a prank, right? It's like, you have to know me well enough to, that's what a good gift feels like. It's like, oh, you know me. Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? The only way you knew to give me that is because you know me. It's like, you know, you can give somebody a shit,

you can give somebody a gift card, you know, or some shit, but it's like, give me something that you thought, it's thoughtful, you know? That's an interesting way to look at a gift. I'll tell you why I'm not good at gifts is I only shop for me. Like when I'm shopping, I only think about what I want Like I go, what are we getting Burt today?

I think you've never seen a thing and it me and immediately It's just like that's like it's like when you see a meme and you go Oh Tom, I think this is hilarious and you send it to him immediately like you never see something in the store You're like, oh, that's Tom or that's that's that's Leanne No. Oh, wow. I go. I wonder if they have that in a men's size. Yeah, I only buy for me. Like I'm so bad that at Christmas, every Christmas I have like 12 gifts I've picked up for me

because I go out shopping for them and I buy stuff for me. And then I'm always at the last minute on Amazon going, what the fuck do I get my kids? Like I'm bad at buying gifts. I'm not good. You sell a bunch of stuff for you. A bunch, I buy my, and I wrap it for me.

And then I put it under the tree for me. Damn. Yeah, and it's all shit I want. And who's it from, Santa? Yeah. I don't have to pay just for that. Yeah. It was like, I would just, it was like, if I,

to wrap it and wait? That's the worst part. No, I give it to, I give it to Isla and Georgia to wrap. Oh, you go, you wrap this. Yeah, I go, hey, I got you guys something for me. And they're like, oh, thanks, Dad. So you don't have to buy me a gift. No, I don't want to know what you're gonna get me.

Like, yeah, and then what I do is, I don't know, I thought I killed it this year because I was very selfless, I wasn't drinking around Christmas, so I was thinking about everyone else, and I bought them all this cool shit. They never took it with, George didn't take any of it to college with her.

She left it all? She left it all. Leanne's is still in a box over by my recliner. No one touched any of it. And I bought them thoughtful, fun gifts, and they just were like, nah. Leanne's better at buying gifts, but Leanne gives love by giving you service.

Like she loves you and then thinks of you and then goes, oh, you know what, Brian, I'm sure Leanne's probably sent both of you guys gifts. Oh yeah, yeah. Like that's how Leanne shows you love, is to give you gifts and a service. I show you love by telling you I love you. And then I go, you know how much I love you.

Like you know how much I love you. I share it with you and I share it with everyone around you and I just celebrate you all the time. Yeah, you made my day. We were backstage at the Black Keys like maybe a month ago or a few weeks ago. And I saw my friend getting knocked out on Instagram and I walk over to show Joe

and he's FaceTiming with Burt and Chappelle, and Dave Chappelle was like, oh shit, that's that nigga Brad Stubbs. And it was like, it was like. Exactly like that by the way. Yeah, it was like, holy shit, because we were at Stubbs and that's where him and Chappelle was doing shows.

He was FaceTiming Chappelle just to be like, look who we have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I've met Chappelle a whole bunch of times, but that was the first time he knew who I was. And then the next day, Burt told me, oh yeah, we were talking about you before that call. So it just so happened, you know what I mean? I said it to Dave and I said it to you,

but you guys have very brilliant brains. You don't have to be talking about comedy, you can just be talking about life, and I'll sit and listen, and I always will think, how come I don't think like this about life, or about other certain things, I just think in comedy sense, and I said to Chappelle that night,

I said, can I tell you who you remind me of? He's like, who's that? I said, this guy, Brian Simpson, and he was like, wait, do I know him? And I said, yeah, pulled up your special, showed him a thing in your special, he goes, yeah, I know that guy, show them a thing in your special. He goes, yeah, I know that guy. And then you showed up in the fucking FaceTime.

He's like, oh shit! And I was like, oh, that was perfect. I thought he would have been like, I think he reminds you of me. I don't remind you of that. No, I do feel the same way about your mind though, because when I watch clips of your podcasts, like on Instagram or something,

you know, let's say a clip of you talking just about a life philosophy, Like when I watch clips of your podcast, like on Instagram or something, you know, I see a clip of you talking just about a life philosophy. I'm always like, man, this is such, you always have interesting takes. Your perspective is always interesting. But you know the other side of that? It's like I will lose my keys three times

before I leave the house. Yeah, but there's a giving a take to that. Oh yeah, I've accepted it. I've just learned how to live myself. I got back up everything, just because I know how I am. I'll go upstairs to get my keys and be like, oh shit, I forgot my cigarettes.

And I go down and I'm like, wait a minute, where'd my fucking keys go? And I come back and I was like, damn, the cigarette. That's my whole, because I feel like I got, like a dog's, like a squirrel. Like as soon as I lock in on someone, everything else goes away. It's like my short-term memory just gets wiped.

But that's the price to pay to have, to be, you know, to have a unique perspective. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, 100%. What's like also the craziness of being a comic is like, I remember one point they wanted me to get on like medication because I ruminate about things. And I was like, yeah, but I don't want to stop ruminating

because that's how I write jokes, is I just keep going over and over about it in my head. It happens with bad shit too, but it also happens with jokes and I don't want to lose the bad shit and then lose the comedy part where I can't ruminate. You got to deal with both. Bro, every time I try to get on some medication,

it fuck with me. And even the shit that work, it was like, it's like if my brain's broken in a way where it's like, I describe it like, there's a, it's like without the meds, it's a thousand watt bulb that flicker. Yeah. But on the meds, it's like,

it's a hundred watt bulb that's always on. You know what I mean? That's a great analogy. And it's like, ah, this, like okay, yeah, it's not off, but God damn. Like, yeah. It doesn't shut off. Yeah, I need those moments.

I need those flickers of like high shit. I wonder if, I wonder if depression and anxiety and OCD and all that shit has increased with our, our being plugged into this social media landscape and this media landscape, I wonder if there was as much depression when there were just settlers and all they had to do was build a fence.

Nah man, I think all, I think, I seriously, I think they need to look into it. I think all the depression and anxiety, all that shit started when people started shaving their pussy hair. Yeah. Yeah, I, cause I think it's, I think there was something

about the collective bushes, like gathering, like putting out those pheromones, like millions of women, the bushes holding all the juices, putting out that little bit of shit, but combining and like calming people down. You know what I mean? And shaving those off. It's all these bald pussies and bald pubes.

It's like, I think there's something that used to be in the air that ain't there no more. Do you stop when you have a bald pussy? Are you kinda like, do you question it? I don't like it. I don't like it, you're not doing it for me. I don't want it, is what I'm saying. I'm not like, get the fuck out of here

with your bald pussy. You've been going down on a chick with a lot of pussy hair, it can be aggressive. Nah, nah, gimme that. Yeah, but you gotta take your tongue and part it so that it goes. When I'm eating pussy, I want it to feel like I'm wearing an N95 mask. You know what I mean? Properly fit it in an N95 mask.

Give me that. The best way to learn a language? Immersion. Living where the language is spoken and using it every day. But if that's not in the cards this year, you can still learn a language the second best way. And that's with Babbel. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. Babbel's quick 10-minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start

speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Babbel's designed for real people, for real conversations. I love the fact that Babbel makes you spell out words and practice conversations you would actually really have. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babbel.com slash bears. Get up to 60% off at Babbel.com slash bears spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash bears. Rules and restrictions may apply.

My favorite spring cleaning takeaway is the post clean clarity you get. Wow. How have I been living like this? That is my closet to a T. It's kind of like when you find out that you've been paying a fortune for wireless. When Mint Mobile has phone plans for $15 a month, when you purchase a three month plan, wow, how have I been affording this? It's time to switch to Mint Mobile and get unlimited talk, text, and data for 15 bucks a month. Say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month.

All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. This is an absolute no-brainer. It is a way for you to save money and put the money where you need it. This is the move right now. If you're saving money, Mint Mobile is the move. To get this new customer offer

and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash bears. go to mintmobile.com slash bears. That's mintmobile.com slash bears. Cut your wireless bill to just 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash bears. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan.

Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. I'm a fan of the hair too. Yeah, that's the, those are the porn magazines I found. I wish I can you pull some pictures of big bush. I, well, Leanne Leanne is lightly haired, naturally lightly hair. Is it great? Oh, that's personal. No, no, no, no, no, it's not. Wow. And by the way, when it goes gray, I'll make her diet. Yeah.

Fucking let her have gray pubic hair. She pointed out a gray chest hair. Okay, those are joke bushes. I wanna see real pussy hair. She's got the bush merkin. Female bush. Oh, see they're, god damn it. What do you, do you guys jack off back there?

Like how do you find shit? They got the adult filter on. I miss those, like, I never really hooked up with a chick with a ton of pubic hair, but I miss the videos when I was a kid, like when you'd see like... Those are the first bushes you saw. First bushes you saw were just, and it was like, my first look of sexuality was just tons of fucking hair. Yeah. Yeah, is that Nikki Glaser?

Jesus does look like her right? I mean now that you say it Wait, keep going Well, look at that one. Which one the one that looks like fucking Osama bin Laden What a third from the right here? No, no, right here, the fourth. With the tits? Look at that one that looks like a dude. That's a lot of pubic hair. Yeah, see, all those pusses are fine to me.

Yeah, I actually don't mind them. Get in there. I don't mind them at all. Yeah, it's just an adventure. But I do, I trim my ball hairs. Yeah? Yeah. How tight do you go trim my ball hairs. Yeah? Yeah. How tight do you go?

Like close. You do it with a razor too? No, I do it with a Manscaped. Manscaped's lawnmower 5.0. Are they a sponsor? No, I don't know if they are anymore, but they make a goddamn good fucking ball shaver. It's a good trimmer, yeah.

Yeah, it's a great trimmer. I'll still use them forever. It is a great trimmer, yeah. Yeah, I'll do my, I'll do my insides. Yeah, I shave the shaft. With a razor? No, I just use that. Sometimes I'll go in, if It is a great trimmer. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do my I'll do my insides. Yeah, I shaved the shaft with a razor No, I just use that sometimes I'll go in if I do a good job. My dick's getting hard talking about this Sometimes if I all this conversation Sometimes I'll go in with with shaving cream and a razor and shave the balls and get them right

Yeah, and then shave the shaft and then and then it looks so much bigger. Yeah, yeah. My dick's gotten so much better. Better? Like better, I don't know why. What do you mean better? It's gotten better. Like it was, I think when I was skinny I thought it was a small dick, right?

And then when I got fat it was a small dick. And then when I lost weight I was like, oh this was not a bad dick. Oh so you appreciate your dick more. I appreciate my dick more. That's just Buddhism though. That's what you're talking about. Yeah. What? That's Buddhism. That's what you're talking about.

Yeah. What? That's Buddhism. Yeah, this is a Zen philosophy. I mean, it's the same dick. You know, it's just your perspective changed. You got skinny, you got fat, you got skinny, and you're like, this dick is great.

I don't think your dick transformed. It's just you. What are you thinking about? Your dick didn't change. It looks good now. Yeah. Especially if I, like, I can see it. You can see it? That helps. Yeah, like that helps see it. You can see it?

Yeah, like that helps. Yeah. Are you doing vodka now? No, when you couldn't see it, what would you do? You just reach down there and go there. You could see it, but you'd have to like, Yeah, you had to like. Like I couldn't shake my pubic hair,

so I couldn't see it. I couldn't see anything down there. Like I couldn't look over my belly to get to my pubic hair. So you just going blind? Yeah. There's gotta be a whole, there's a whole thing being a black guy that there's so much pressure. I feel like there's gotta be so many black guys

who are like, every time they go to hookup, they know that the woman's like, I'm about to see a fucking anaconda. Oh yeah, that used to be. But now, cause here's the truth, I don't think most women really want that. They be talking like that. No, I know, I know.

You don't want the real, do you want the hammer for real? Yeah, you don't want the technique. Nah, cause I'm not that guy, but it's like all of us know that guy where it's like, oh, he got a motherfucking third leg. Right? Yeah. Most chicks ain't,

they'll see their motherfucking be like, ah. Yeah, I don't know.'t, they'll see that motherfuckin' be like, ah. I don't know. Yeah, they'll tap out, nah. There was one guy I knew had a real hog, and his real hog, like, and his wife, we were friends with him. Oh, I think I met, he's in LA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and his wife couldn't get all of it in her,

and he couldn't get his dick in her, he could only get his head of his dick in her. And you're like, you're like. How you get married then? How do you, it's, that's, I mean, he's gotta find a gaping pussy to get happy. She's gotta let him cheat. No. No?

I mean, I don't know. I don't think they do, but like, he just, it was like. Tall guy, right? It was a big dude. Tall guy, yeah, yeah. He had a fucking hog on him, and he couldn't get all, first of all, couldn't get all the way hard. It's too big. That's no good.

I got a question for y'all. Cause I ask people, this is how comics are. As good as y'all are at comedy, you would agree, you're one of the top, you're both one of the top comics in the world, are you better at comedy or fucking? Comedy. Oh, comedy. Wow.

Okay, yeah. Comedy. You will be shocked at who's like, eh. Really? Yeah. Who thinks they're? My boy, you know Derrick Poston? Yeah. He was like, I don't know.

Like, no nigga, it's comedy. Yeah. Come on. Like, there's Tom Brady, there's Tom Brady, or fucking out there, you ain't that guy. No. This is the thing about men though. Men, doesn't matter who they are,

most men have the same delusions. And it's that they think that they know how to fuck, fight, be funny, and drive. And they have to have experiences to let them know. Like all of us know that, first of all, you're lucky if you're proficient in one of them. Don't forget parenting. That's another one.

That's nothing people think they're good at. That's another one. It's fucking exhausting. But of the strictly male things. Oh, right, right, right. And then I think to be proficient in one of them is incredible, because you learn. Fight, drive, fuck, and what we're doing?

Be funny. Oh, funny, fight, drive, fuck. Yeah, and what you learn is, well what we're doing? Be funny. Oh, funny, fight, drive, fuck. Yeah, and what you learn is like, well, we're funny for a living. So even if you don't think we're funny, we're proficient at it, and there's enough people that find us funny that we can do it for a living. Right?

So we're pretty funny. I'm funny for a living, yep. Yeah. If you do any type of training, like martial arts training, you go to a boxing class, you get humbled real fast, you're like, oh, I don't know fucking shit. Yeah, all that shit was up here.

Yeah, and then you think because you get angry that you know how to fight. You don't know how to fight, dude. That's interesting that anger, anger is the thing that tells you you can fight, but anger and fighting have no attachment. They have nothing to do with each other. It's a delusion.

It's because what you're really saying to yourself is, I'm at a level where I'm willing to do things to you. And therefore I can fight. You can't fight, man. Step into the ring with someone who can fight and it's over real fucking fast. Real quick, one leg kick will change your life. The thing is you don't really,

the only, you're only gonna find out your level of fucking if like some chicks like, you know, by the way, you're the 20th best person. Like she's gonna have to tell you before you figure it out. Or you're with somebody who thinks you're great and then you should just be happy. Well you just know, like bro I watched that dude, what's his name, it's Owen something.

Yeah, Owen Gray. Owen Gray. He was on the podcast. It's like you watch him fuck people and you're like oh, I will never be able to fuck someone like that. No, no, no. God, is Owen something. Yeah, Owen Gray. He was on the podcast. It's like, you watch him fuck people, and you're like, oh, I will never be able to fuck someone like that. No, no, no. God, he's good.

And that's the thing that, see, he, He's got a heart. He found the one thing, one of the, he's not funny. No, that's his thing, man. Yeah, he can fuck. Yeah, he can fuck. And then the driving thing is another thing.

Every dude thinks they know how to drive. Right. And then you get out there, I remember the first time I went on a racetrack, and I was, they're like, how are, but your driving experience, and I was like, you know on a race track, and they're like, how are, but your driving experience, and I was like, you know, I can drive. And they're like, okay.

And then you just, you do like a lap, and you're like, oh Jesus, they're like, yeah, you're an amateur, man. You don't know what you're doing. And you're like, oh, okay. And then you have a, oh, that's, one of the best experiences of my life, Burt gave me when I was on the first Fully Loaded.

Yeah. And we went to, remember when we were in that NASCAR track,, where the fuck was it? It was somewhere in Georgia? It was Thunder Valley. Yeah, man. In Tennessee. And they gave us, they had one of their guys

drive us around the track. And it's like, and that's when you realize like, oh, it's levels, and these weren't the pros, these was just the motherfuckers that worked at the track. Instructors, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and it was like, holy shit, like this is crazy. That was wild. They said to us, hey, do you guys wanna drive around

the track? Now I've done that a number of times for Travel Channel, so I knew how fun it was, and I was told everyone, I was like, everyone, come on, we should go over, and everyone's like, ah, I'm tired, I'm hungover, I'm asleep, and I was like, okay, and then I went over and did it, and I forgot how fun it was, and when I did it, I immediately called everyone,

was like, everyone need to get the fuck over here right now. It's the greatest experience I've ever had. It's one of the best things I've ever done. So fun. But it shows you, there's levels to this shit. So many. Like there's, cause there's people that are a hundred times better at driving than that motherfucker.

He blew my mind. So wait, then if you think, like, as you were saying this, I was like, okay, so then, are, if I was a cage fighter, like are we as funny in the general populace? Are we more proficient in comedy, equivalent to say Conor McGregor is to the average person? Because I don't think so.

I think those fighters are even more elite than the highest comics. They're more elite, because I think with comedy, you have the option to be elite, but you can settle. You settle elite, but you can be here You can settle you come you settle in there. You can get your fucking head knocked off Yeah, but there's a difference between funny is that with funny any like your average person has like really funny moments Hanging out right like if you go to lunch with somebody they can be really funny you go that guy's fucking funny

Like if you go to lunch with somebody, they can be really funny. You go, that guy's fucking funny. The difference is being funny for an audience and someone going, okay, the show starts now. And that's the thing that like the average funny dude cannot do. That's the thing, most, yeah. That's the separation.

Most. Is that you can do it in the moment for a large number of people and you can make thousands of people laugh and they're like, it's at 8.05. That's when you're gonna do, and you can make thousands of people laugh, and they're like, it's at 8.05. That's when you're gonna do it, and you can do it. That's a thing that other people can't do. Yeah, I've woken up out of a dead sleep and fucking crushed.

Yeah. I have too. But that's elite. You realize most people can't do it. I know it is elite, but is it as elite as? Well, the stakes are different. If you bomb, they're just gonna be like, you suck. And if you bomb in the octagon,

you're gonna be paralyzed. Man, yeah, yeah. Those dudes are on some, they are like born in the wrong century or something. Yeah, there's something wrong, yeah. To choose violence, to get your ass beat for a living. And their brains, their brains just get rocked. And it sucks to watch your favorite fighter just get dumber.

I know. Just, well they say, I heard one time Rogan say that once someone gets knocked out for real, like once you break their jaw, I mean like you break them and you knock them unconscious, then it's all downhill from there. Like I remember him saying that and he's like, yeah, like Justin Gaethy just got knocked out

at the last fucking second by Max Holloway and Justin Gaethy's a fucking savage. But then I saw that knockout and I was like, oh shit, does this mean that once you get knocked out once, you're more prone to get knocked out again? It changes your brain. Yeah, I think your brain is like, turn it off now. You know?

When you get knocked, when you hit that knocked, when you get knocked out like that, yeah, you gonna start, people, this becomes way easier. Have you ever been knocked out? Oh yeah. For real? Yeah. In a fight? Yeah, my big brother knocked me out one time.

He knocked you out, where, what happened? He was, he, I was, cause I had left, I was in the foster homes and shit like that. And then when I came back to the home he was in, and I hadn't seen him in a long time, and he didn't want me to come hang with him and the older kids, because they was like street dudes, you know? He was like, no, stay in the house.

And I was so pissed, and I said something like, like, you know, you're not my brother, or something like that, and he was like, super sensitive about it, which I did, you know, now as an adult, I look back and go, you should not have said that. Like, that was the last thing you should have said. But back then I was just trying to hurt his feelings,

you know, and he fucking grabbed me by the throat and he was so much stronger than me that I couldn't fight it off. But I'm the type of dude where I'm like, oh, well then, you know what? I will burn this fuck, like I will kill both of us so I don't lose, you know what I mean? So I fuck, I ran upstairs and I got a fucking kitchen knife

and I came downstairs with a knife and he saw the knife and just, because he is a boxer. He just pieced me up real quick and he was stomping. And the thing is, he knocked me out and I wasn't unconscious, but I was falling and fully aware of it and couldn't do anything about it. And he was stomping me out barefoot

when my grandmother came down and pulled him off of me. Wow. Yeah, I went to school the next day, all knotted up and shit. Really? Yeah, and the thing is, he was still holding back. Like, he lost it for a second, but he could've really fucked me up, and he did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. But that was the first time I lost a fight. Was it just you and him? Yeah, it was just me. Were you fighting a lot before then? No, we've never. No, were you fighting with other people a lot?

Oh yeah. You were. Yeah, I was, yeah, I would throw hands regularly. Cause I, you know what would happen to me is, I would move so much that, you know, when you go to the new school, you know, the girls are talking about you cause you're somebody new and the already popular news, you know, when you get to the new school, you know, the girls are talking about you because you're somebody new

and the already popular news, they wanna test you, right? But you can't do shit because you'll get kicked out of your home. Because like, you know, you already got sent from the last place, so if you get into a fight, it's a wrap, right? So it's like you hold it in, but then if you don't stand up to a bully immediately,

they start thinking shit's sweet, so they wanna test you and test you and test you. So I would always be in that situation. At a new school, people wanna test you, test you, test you, and you're not saying shit so they think you a bitch. And then eventually you're like, I'm gonna have to handle this motherfucker. Yeah, and it would happen like that all the time.

Really? And you were winning all those fights though. Yeah, oh yeah, cause I didn't give a fuck. I'm lucky that I didn't really seriously hurt somebody. I've hit motherfuckers with a, I put like a soda can in my sock and busted the motherfucker in the head with it.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, straight up like, I'm gonna make sure you don't fuck with me again. Sure. You know, yeah. What was the last fight you were in? Man, it's been a long time.

This was maybe, I don't know, six years ago. The last like actual like I'm in danger. Yeah, I was working the door at a pub and I'll never forget this motherfucker had, he had, him and his girl came to the club and he didn't have his ID. And they lived across the street. And so he was like, all right, I'm gonna go,

I'm gonna go grab my ID, blah, blah, blah. And he was gone for like an hour and a half. And his girl kept coming outside, more and more fucked up. You know, it was one of the things where she kept telling me the same story again, so I knew she was fucked up. And the last time she came outside, she left her purse and shit on my little table that was sitting beside me.

And then he started walking across the street again. She came out to talk to me again, tell me the same fucking story again. And he ran up behind her and picked her up and ran around with her like, you know, like cute couple shit or whatever. And when he came back to put her back down, I went to go, hey, you left your,

this motherfucker just sucker punched me, knocked my head right into the side of the, yeah, knocked my head into the edge of the door frame, and I got up and slammed his ass, and this is like Adams Avenue in San Diego, so the cops, it's basically like 6th Street, all the bars are there. The cops came out of fucking nowhere, everywhere.

And it was the first time that a cop was like on my side. Yeah, because I slammed him, hit him with a couple of elbows and the cop was like, stop, stop. And I fucking stopped. And he was like, what happened? I told him what happened and he was like, you got some licks in? I was like, yeah.

He was like, you know you can't do that. And I was like, all right. He was like, what you wanna do? I'm happened and he was like, you got some licks in? I was like, yeah, he was like, you know you can't do that. And I was like, all right, he was like, what you wanna do? I'm like, fuck, get this motherfucker out of here. But the whole time I was punching this motherfucker, he was like, he immediately went from sucker punching me to what's happening? What are you doing?

Like a little bitch. Yeah, was he fucked? Did he get fucked up in his hour and a half away? Is that what he was like? I think that's what happened. He ended up beating the shit out of that girl like a few months later and getting arrested for it. Really?

Yeah, she was gorgeous too. Wow. He was one of these schlubby dudes. But yeah, he- What did she say to him? I think he was, I think he just had a fucking drinking problem. What did she do to provoke him?

Yeah, that was the last time I ever felt like- It'd be crazy if you were violent, like a violent drinker. Yeah, I'm so far removed from it. I know. I don't even get an attitude when I drinker. Yeah, I'm so far from it. I know. I don't even get an attitude when I drink. I kind of just turn into a better person. Really? Yeah, actually pass me that vodka.

I gotta get on a plane today. I wouldn't mind a little- You want some ice? Fly to Boston, yeah. Ice and the, but yeah, I don't get violent. Unless you've been in a fight. It's been a very long time. Utah?

Middle school. Damn. I think I'm too old for it now, because I feel like even if I won the fight, it would take me forever to recover. You'd be shocked. Oh, last fight I got in, I got pretty beat up. I was in college.

And had to go to the hospital. Did you deserve it? No, no, I don't think I did. What started it? I wrote a song about all the guys in our fraternity. They just made fun of everyone, like roasting them. And one of the guys didn't get it. He was like, you know, he just doesn't get comedy.

Certain people don't get comedy, they get angry. There's a lot of, it's funny, I've always joked with cage fighters and you can always tell the ones that get comedy, like Nate Diaz gets comedy. Like he gets it, like all the jokes I've ever made, Izzy, Israel, Adesanya, gets comedy. And then there's certain cage fighters you know

that they don't get comedy. They get confrontation and so you just don't make jokes about those guys, you're like, I'm gonna stay away from that fucking guy. This was that guy. Or you make jokes and you carry a pistol. Yeah, or you just go like make jokes about those guys. You're like, I'm gonna stay away from that fucking guy. This was that guy, that guy. Or you make jokes and you carry a pistol. Yeah, or you just go like, and I learned that then. I was like, I made jokes about everyone in the fraternity

and everyone fucking loved it. They were like excited that they got included. This joke I made about the guy wasn't that bad. And we were really good friends, really good friends. And he came up, it was finals and he came up and I was like, I was up. I didn't even know he was that mad. I didn't think he was and I was like I was up I didn't even know he's that man I didn't think he was really mad what the one jokes weren't that bad and he was like don't me fucking see you and I was like oh

come on we're not gonna do this like listen I'm sorry I didn't mean to and he was like I fucking fuck I'll fucking fuck kill you and in my head I was like how bad could this be and it was pretty bad he fucking grabbed me suplexed me onto my head, knocked unconscious. I think I swallowed my tongue. I started to swallow my tongue because I woke up with his hand in my mouth. And I think he was trying to get my tongue

out of my throat, I think. I was knocked unconscious. Everything's a little blurry. He was crying. He was crying in a corner. Everything's a blur because I was knocked unconscious. And then I just got up, I didn't know what happened. I got up and I got in my sister's car,

I had my sister's car, she lived in Tallahassee too, I was driving her car. And I started driving on campus knowing I had a test to go to, but I didn't know where, I couldn't figure out how to get around campus. And I parked the car in this weird spot, and I walked into someone's classroom. And you were fully concussed.

Fully concussed, and I was confused, and I sat in the classroom, and everyone's like, who can we help you? And I was like, I have a test, and they were like, you're not in this class. And then I walked into the bathroom, and I looked in the mirror, and I couldn't, everything was going like this, like, who are you?

Who are you? Like, who are you? It was repeating, and I was was like and then I went out Into the campus and I sat down on a park bench And I started crying so I couldn't figure out my thoughts were everywhere and I couldn't like focus them and this girl That I knew saw me and said are you okay? And I said, I think I got beat up And I said, I don't know what happened, but I can't figure out. I'm like, I'm really lost. I'm really confused It's immediately everyone thought I'd done drugs because they're really good. That was my personality. She's like, what did you take?

What are you on? And I said, I don't I think I'm sober. I don't know I don't know if I can't use my brains not working. She drove me out to Tallahassee Memorial or wherever and they asked me What where I went to school and I said Jesuit High School, and they were like, did you, and then my roommate came up and they're like, yo, someone beat him up, and they're like, what? And I was like, they're like, who's the president? I was like, I was like George Bush,

and it was Clinton was the president. Oh, dang it. Did that kid get in trouble? No. Nothing happened? Nope, didn't even pay my hospital bills. Yeah, he get in trouble? No. Nothing happened? Nope. Didn't even pay my hospital bills. Yeah, he got in trouble. I think that what sucks is that our friends,

once you beat someone up like that, your friends all go, oh, I don't like you. And all his friends were like, oh, you're gross. Yeah, yeah. And I think it fucked him up. I know it fucked him up. He came up and tried to apologize to me one night at a bar and I was like, oh, you know,

here's the thing about accepting apologies, you can accept them, but you can also say, I also don't ever wanna be your friend. I can just go, we're good, but I know who you are now. And I think it fucked him up. I think especially it's gotta fuck him up now because I'm super famous for doing what made him the most angry in his life.

Yeah, fuck the apology, I want revenge. See, I knew this guy, I told you he needed revenge. Yeah, fuck that, fuck that apology. You almost killed me because you sensitive, bitch ass. It's crazy, I'm not good at roasts. But what if that's what made you funny? I'm getting drops on my head? Yeah.

Can I tell you, I gotta be honest with you, I think it did make me funny. Because after I got dropped on the head, I started seeing the world differently. I'm being serious, like I got a little more impulsive. Like I, you know, I went to Russia right after that. And like- You had frontal cortex damage.

Yeah. And I really feel like I thought, like I felt like I thought faster and quicker. Man, I- So you owe him a shout out. I think there's something about that, man. You know, my mother recently, when your parents get older, they start telling you shit.

We like, oh shit, you could have kept that in the tuck, right? My mother recently told me that when she was banging my father sneakily as a teenager, he snuck in her window one time and didn't realize that I was on the bed and knocked me off the bed and I landed on, you know, I hit smack on the floor and I was like, ah, cause I got

a lot of, I got a lot of fucking dents and shit. Yeah. But the first one was my dad. That was how I got the scar. One of the scars on my forehead was my dad knocking me off the bed, trying to sneak in and get some pussy. No, shut up. How old was your dad?

Um, I think my dad was 18. My, shut up. How old was your dad? I think my dad was 18, my mother was 16. Or my, yeah, something like that. Did she give you up for adoption? No, no, no, no, it wasn't like that. It was like, she left me with her mother because her mother was abusive people. And she just burned, she burned the last motherfucker with an iron, you know, and then when she saw her mother because her mother was abusive people. And she just burned, she burned the last motherfucker with an iron, you know.

And then when she saw her mother like brought him home again, she fucked up, I can't do this anymore. She left, but she left us there. Because he didn't, she wouldn't let him put his hands on us. So she knew we were safe there and she was young and broke. So she couldn't take two kids to be broke. So it was that kind of situation. And then we ended up being taken from her,

from our grandmother. God damn it man, you realize I can't wrap my head around that. I've grown up with such a soft life. I keep it pushing bro. Cause you know why, it's cause, what it gave me is, cause I finally believe every fucking thing, every time you get rid of a fear,

you get rid of a filter, right? And I think it makes your art better. To have the fear? No, to get rid of, to conquer it, because it's almost like, as soon as you're going, what will my mom say? What will my wife say? It's like, it's almost like there's a seasoning

you're not allowed to cook with, you know what I mean? And as soon as you're like, fuck what my mom talking about, then this opens up this whole spice cabinet of shit you can talk about and things you can say. And so I've never been paralyzed by like, what are my parents gonna say? If they hear this joke, what are they gonna say? Cause all my friends think like that sometimes,

and I don't get it at all. But they're like, yeah, but my mom, I'm like, fuck your mom, do what you wanna do. You know what I mean? Like my mom don't tell me what to fucking do, she knows better. She don't tell me what to say and none you wanna do. You know what I mean? Like my mom don't tell me what to fucking do, she knows better. She don't tell me what to say and none of that shit. You know what I mean?

I don't play that, nah. This is my shit. Yeah, I mean, obviously I listen to her opinion, but I'm not like gonna just not say something for the sole reason that it's gonna bother them. Yeah, you're right, a lot of comedians, myself included sometimes have been like, oh, what will they think? And listen, you know, if you ain't knowin' the inheritance, you're right, a lot of comedians, myself included sometimes have been like, oh, what will they think?

You know? And listen, you know, if you waiting on the inheritance, you know, you gotta protect the bag. You know, it's like, if your parents paying your bills, you gotta shut the fuck up. Right. Yeah. I wish I'd known there was gonna be no inheritance.

I would've lived so differently. I would've lived so fucking differently. No, I'm the inheritance. I knew from the moment I was born, there ain't nobody leaving me shit. Did you ever think people were gonna leave you money? Not anything significant. Oh, I had money fucking waiting for me. Really?

I thought so. Really? I didn't understand how money works, so I thought, I thought, I didn't, and I was like, I was like, well, my dad, my dad didn't have money until I was like in college. So like, but after college he made money

And I was like I wonder what I'll get like it's a really creepy thought Yeah, I was like I wonder what again. I had an uncle that had money I was like I wonder and they're all still people are still alive that had real Inheritance real inheritance my that's gonna be nice yeah, and then this sounds high The thing is it was tied to like certain things they had to do. These are generational wealth people where it was like you have to. There's a bunch of motherfuckers out there in dentists school and shit.

Yeah, yeah, you have to follow this path. Yeah, and then you get your trust kicks in. I heard all these things. I got a crazy one. You wanna hear a crazy inheritance story? I can't really say names, but I'll tell you the names after. Our friend gets a call, yo, your uncle died. Okay, what's that mean? You need to help take care of his wife, your aunt. You're the last

living ancestor she has, so you need to take care of her. And as she's doing this, she realizes, oh, I'm going to, this is crazy, I'm gonna, I guess I'm gonna inherit whatever she has, but she doesn't think anything of it. She's like, I just gotta square her away, get her into whatever home caring that she needs to be in. Goes up and realizes this woman's worth $40 million. No shit. But in the process of this is like,

and honestly, I saw that person the other day, and they still can't wrap their head around it because also the person's still alive. They're still alive. They're still alive and the person goes, the person also has money. They're like, I don't really need the money, but like when this person dies,

we're gonna inherit crazy money and our life is gonna change over fucking night. And I think it's crazy because I think this person will live long enough that they will get to compartmentalize Exactly what they what they will and won't do because that money for like 40 million dollars can fuck your life up Like you can like if you don't have if you're looked I'm sure these people are like millionaires They make a million dollars a year. It's a lot of money

But when you all sudden get a splash of 40 million dollars, you're like yo No one has to work again like no one has to show up for work. Like that's fucking wild. It's crazy to be witnessed. And then like, cause I would have handled it if we found out Leanne had an aunt that had $40 fucking million. Yeah, that would fuck me up for sure.

Do you know what I'm inheriting? Outboard motors. My father-in-law has about 750 antique outboard motors. What does that mean? Nothing. Like for boats? Yeah, nothing. They're useless.

My father-in-law has, he collects outboard motors from the 1920s. My dad had this 1950s car that I saw, one day it was just in his garage and I was like, what the fuck is this? He's like, this was my car in high school. And I was like, no shit, it was fucking really cool looking car, right?

And I was like, oh man, he goes, this will be yours one day. This is like 15 years ago. So I'd go back and visit and I would see the car and I was like, I can't believe this was your car in high school, this is fucking nuts, man. And it has like a really delicate shifter, you know, okay Like and I did it took it on a couple drives with him I was like, well, this is rad and then I was come every time I would like, you know visit them

I would see it and I'd be like it'd be mine one day and then right before he died Like whatever six months before I'm visiting him and I go hey, where's the car? He's like, oh, I sold it. And I go, I thought that was for me. And he was like, yeah, I sold it. And I was like, damn. Oh, okay. So do I not get it?

He's like, well, no, it's gone. I was like, cool. He goes, you can buy it from them though. And I was, the fuck is that? It's not an inheritance, dude. That was the only thing I was gonna get for you, man. Both of your parents cold blooded. Yeah, I know.

I never met your father, but your mother's a motherfucking piece of work. She is. No, he was way sweeter. Oh, okay, okay. He was way sweeter. He was just like, he was always like oblivious. He was like, oh yeah, I did tell you that would be yours.

I'm like, yeah. He hung out with my mom. It's good. It's good Mexican Kool-Aid. Yeah, yeah. It's fucking great. How close did you guys think, did you really, were you worried I was gonna die for real?

I thought it was definitely reasonable to think about. For real? Well, that you would get into some, like if somebody had been like, Bert died, I wouldn't be like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Hold on. Yeah. It wasn't that bad, was I?

Well, I just thought, cause my first time actually like partying with you was that fully loaded tour. And I was just like, I can't, like I couldn't believe how much you could party and still and not be dying. Yeah. Because, and I'll never forget this moment

where we're on the bus and I'm like, I'm like, is there any water in here? And it was just beer. It was like 500 beers in this bus and not a single fucking bottle of water. And I was like, what's the closest thing to water? And it was a grapefruit thing. And I was like, I can't have grapefruit. And Burt went, oh, are you on this medication?

And I was like, holy shit. Like we on the same medication, I gotta fucking make a change. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, it was that serious. It's how hard you can push it. But yeah, you got pretty bad, dude. You got pretty bad.

I'm not disciplined enough to. Well, name a comic that if you found out they were dead, you wouldn't be surprised. Like Ralphie was that guy for a long time. If I found out they was dead. You'd be surprised. And then name a was that guy for a long time. If I found out they was dead. You'd be surprised. And then name a comic that if you found out they were dead, you'd be like, no fucking way.

Well, if I found out Joe died, I would be shocked. I would be like shhh. Like for my health thing. Yeah, it's not gonna be a health thing. Yeah, but somebody that's like super, cause this is the era of the healthy comic. Yeah, yeah, it is the era of the healthy comic. Who's a severe fucking, got a severe problem?

Nobody that I care about. Not that I can think of on the top of my head where I'm like, because they usually, I usually start fucking with those people. Like once you show me that you, because you can drink, you can have a drinking problem, you can have a cocaine problem, you have a, but when you can't lock in, when it's show time,

I can't fuck with you because you gonna pull me away from, because I'm always afraid that it's gonna all go away. Everyone is. I'm not at that point where I'm comfortable, you know? And so I don't wanna be around people that don't give a fuck, because they gonna have you in situations where you don't give a fuck.

So I, you know, all the people, there's a lot of people that I wouldn't. Tony Hitchcliffe, if he got you died in like a gay murder, pack suicide, I'd be like, that makes sense. That tracks. That tracks. Redban, if Redban died. Redban was the one, that was the canary in the mine,

when he looks at me he goes, oh, you don't look as bad as Reddit says. And I was like, what? And he goes, they say you're gonna die. I was like, what are you talking about? And he goes, you don't read Reddit? And I was like, I don't read anything, Redban. And he was like, oh, everyone says you're gonna die. I was like, what are you talking about? He goes, you don't read Reddit? And I was like, I don't read anything, Red Band. And he was like, oh, everyone says you're gonna die,

but you don't look that bad. And I was like, okay. You're the only one in here that says I don't look bad. I was like, Brian, maybe both of us need rehab. Yeah, what about the big dude from RU Garbage? Foley? I don't know him that well, but he's huge. Yeah, he's going down.

He's losing weight, he's doing the 5K. Dude, everyone's losing weight. Bro, Jelly Roll's losing weight. Jelly Roll's down 75 pounds. Yeah, man. It's crazy, everyone, you know, I think health is sexy. I think if you look healthy and you show health to someone,

it looks fucking awesome. And the thing is, if Joe fuck with you, you can't be around him without him saying something about it. At some point he's gonna be like, hey bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The number one thing I think that would drive Joe nuts about me was my lifestyle, my partying, and my getting overweight.

Because he's like, he doesn't see you as that. He sees you as skinny. He sees you as your best version of yourself. And he'd be like, I remember one time I was like, yeah, I'm working on losing weight. And he's like, what are you doing? I said, you know, Joe, I stopped ordering apps. And he was like, what the fuck did you just say?

No more appetizers? Yeah, no more appetizers. And I'm down to one meal. I just ordered one meal. You can get real fat boy status on the apps. Yeah, you can. You ever have, I was talking to Star Wars about this, you ever have two or three Uber Eats all coming

so you can mix and match? Like I want the sauce from Chick-fil-A, but I want the fries from Golden Tiger. That shit really make you feel like a piece of shit. I've been there, man, I've been. Dude, last night, Christina was gone, and I put the boys to sleep, and they're at that age where it hits them that people die.

Oh wow. So they start to get like, so the young one, the five year old puts on this sweater that Christina, it's Christina's, and he goes, when mom dies, I'm gonna get this and I go, yeah and then he goes, I don't want mom to die and I go, oh, she's not gonna die. He goes, I don't want mom to die. I go, no, she's not gonna die, man.

And then Ellis, my older boy, he goes, I don't want mom or dad to die. And then the fiver goes, yeah, mom. And I go, hey, fucker, I'm here too. And he's like, yeah, but mom's the best. She gives hugs. He's like, if I had to choose. Oh, if I had to choose, I'd let Tom die before push. Like if I was one of their kids.

Oh, right, right. Yeah, I'm not gonna fucking, I'd rather, she's very sweet with those boys. Those are her boys. Those are her boys. Those are her boys. Those are her boys. Now they'd be better off. Like Leanne, like those, my daughters are Leanne's children.

They're not my children. They're Leanne's children. Like I show up, but like I'm just another one of her kids. I'm the equivalent to one of her dogs or a cat. Like I'm not, I'm not. Well, it makes sense because it's like they get, it's like because they don't understand money yet, they get everything from her.

Yeah. Right, they don't understand that it actually all comes from you. You know what I mean? Yeah, and that she's useless. Yeah. In the entire fucking relationship. Without me, they're nothing.

It's like she hands it to you, but I bought it. Yeah, they are absolutely fucking nothing. They are, they are, they are fucking if, when Kurt Cobain died, I'm Kurt Cobain in that family. She can go start another band, start the Foo Fighters, have fun, marry another man, but you have to marry another man. Or your band can't exist.

I'm fucking Kurt Cobain. But here's the truth, the money comes from you, but she knows what to get. She knows what to buy Right. Oh, I don't I don't even I really honestly don't even know how much money we have and I don't know What we can afford or why we buy certain things and I just go can we afford that she was like, yeah I go okay, then you can do it. I don't know. I have no fucking clue. See I know I know for a fact That he's the opposite of course because I know you think like Tom is like, you know

I know I need to I need to know where every motherfucker penny at. That's why he has more money than I do. With that and he lives in it, he's a tax evader and he moved to this city. But no, I don't even know how much money I have, but I know Tom has more. And I don't pay a manager. And you don't pay a manager?

Right. Oh fuck. And it's like, he's smart with his fucking money, and that came from him and his dad. No, you know what I realized? I always thought I was bad with money and then I realized recently, I just didn't have enough money.

Yeah, that's a real. That's fucking fascinating. I'm still just as bad with money, but I can afford to be as bad with money as I am now. How much money do you think is like, if you signed a deal for dot dot dot, you'd be like, I'm fucking good for the rest of my life. Netflix calls out.

Probably 40 million. 40 fucking million. Like I'm like, well I never gotta do another fucking thing? Yeah. Yeah, about 40 million. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, cause it not. You know when I was when I was 26 years old I thought if I could make a million dollars, I'll be good. Yeah, sure No, I know I was like that was enough everything changes, you know, you know what it is you don't what you don't calculate is

Cuz it's different if you want a family of rich people, right? Yeah, you to breadwinner, you know, especially if you're if you're if you're if you got us if you have a single mom That's another kid. That's another kid. Yep. You got kids take care of you got a single mother You gotta take care of her because that's the first thing I had to do is buy mama house. I probably pay off my siblings houses I probably pay off their ex-wives houses That's such a black thing to do what What, pay off ex-wives' houses? No, no, buy people houses. Like that's not a white thing at all.

No, no, not at all. Cause y'all already got houses, y'all be inheriting. Probably, I probably. It's different. It's something that I find very endearing, but I cannot connect with when they go, I bought my mom a house.

So you didn't buy your mom a house? Where she living? But she already had a house. She had a house, like I grew up in a house. My mom, and you. You didn't buy your mom a house? Where she living? But she already had a house. She had a house. She had a house. She had a house. Like I grew up in a house. My mom ain't living in no apartment.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, it seems like a cultural thing to do is like take care of your parents, like set everyone up. Yeah. The white thing is like, oh, fuck them. They're fine. Yeah.

I got pissed off when I found out I was the inheritance. When I found out I make more money than all them and now all the fucking dreams I had of not working, have about me and waiting for me to die right will you spoil your mom though? Absolutely, she doesn't feel like it. It's never enough. She's going to Europe fucking Paris for real Yeah, I'm fucking sending her all five-star shit, and then she's like what about the next month? She has the balls to be like, I need an iPhone. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, mom, listen, as weird as this is, you ask me for one more thing, you gonna have to give me some pussy.

Yeah. Because you, you ain't doing shit for me. You act like I owe you something. No, mom. Look, we gotta wrap, we gotta go. Wait, no, hold on, hold on, hold on. Can we pitch a segment where you send your mom to Europe and I'll go a week before her

and set up the most amazing trip she's ever had. She won't know about it. Yeah. Like we'll cast actors and we'll Truman show her trip to Europe. I've always wanted to Truman show her. I've always wanted to Truman show her. Dude, that's fascinating. I really do. Yeah, I'll go a week before and I'll just set up everything. I've always wanted to Truman show her. I've always wanted to Truman show her.

That's fascinating. I really do. Yeah, I'll go a week before and I'll just set up everything. She's the person to do it to. And then we're like, they'll be like, hey, can you come back into the kitchen and make a pizza? And they'll be like, this is the best pizza

we've ever had, man, you'll show me the best pizza. I want people to, because it happens sometimes to be like, are you the lady from the fart? And then she's like, Jesus. Because people stop her sometimes, they're like, oh, I saw your fart video. We'll get a guy, get a guy. Yeah, we'll get a guy that come over and be like news I want the news to be like you're the lady from the part like you're here Are you gonna fart again? You could set this up? Yeah, you could set this up. You gotta catch a flight

So we go fuck I gotta go all right Brian. Thank you. Thank you I love you to death brother. Go see bottom of the barrel It's gonna be our every Tuesday at the mothership live from the mothership on Netflix. Come see me on tour. BryanSimsComedy.com. Bam. Bang, bang. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes to the top and swallows the other. Wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears one cave.