2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: July 27, 2026

SPONSORS: Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com Visit https://ethos.com/BEARS Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew, an American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at https://shipstation.com, with code cave. If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, go to https://NetSuite.AI/BEARS. Head to Factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50% off. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer compare their two very different eras of being fat, Tom's custom-made fat guy shirts, hard visceral fat vs. soft fat, and why losing weight made everyone think Tom got lip injections. Bert's sober documentary binge takes them from Patient Zero "Gay Tom" spreading AIDS across the Air Canada route map to Concorde pricing scams. Tom also reveals the fattest thing he's ever seen Bert do: ten appetizers, four entrées, and twenty doubles in Tallahassee. Bert also retells Bill Hader's retelling of Henry Rollins meeting David Lee Roth, and his daughter's instantly legendary Boston Tea Party take. Then things get real: a midlife crisis YouTube video sends Bert and LeeAnn into a "sell everything and get five apartments in five cities" fantasy, LeeAnn gets brutally honest about when she was happiest, and Tom breaks down the difference between happy and content. Plus: Hulk Hogan inflating Andre the Giant's weight, Julian's belt reaction to the Michael Jackson movie, Whoop resting heart rate brags, Craig Robinson's dunk, and the great first sweat vs. last sweat debate. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 334 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro00:00:52 - Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom00:09:16 - Patient Zero, Polio, & The Concorde00:19:38 - The Fattest Thing Tom Ever Saw Bert Do00:23:55 - Bill Hader, David Lee Roth & Boston Tea Party00:32:21 - Hulk Hogan, Macho Man & LeeAnn Off Leash00:36:37 - Five Apartments In Five Cities00:46:12 - Bert's Midlife Crisis Theory00:54:34 - "You're Not Hitting The Notes, Mike"00:57:05 - Whoop Brags & Craig Robinson Dunking01:02:36 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% We dress similar. Yeah. This is our uniform. It's the comedian's uniform. It is. The comedian's uniform is a black t-shirt. Do you remember when comedian uniforms was like a black collard shirt with jeans?

The collared shirt? Yeah. Button down. But, yeah. You did comfortably dumb like that. Comfortably dumb. And so did Chris Titus? Yep.

Bill Burr. Jim Brewer That was the uniform And Pete Correlli We all wore the exact same outfits On our special And that used to be the thing It was like I'm doing the improv

This weekend Get your button down collar shirt on Isn't that crazy? Yeah Yeah I used to wear a collar I used to bring a collar shirt with me On a hanger

Yeah Can I tell you when I think you changed Me? Yes There is a video you did A very long time ago Yeah It's the most

it's there's a difference like the way fat tom dressed and the way skinny tom dresses oh my god can i can i can i okay let's put a hold on this holy shit no hang on i have a but but like you did a video you were doing conan i think and you had like a fat guy shirt yeah and you and you were so proud of it and you did a fat guy dance with a fat guy shirt i did a fact guy dance you remember the shirt you're like, oh, I got the, and it was like, like, Big Dog's shirt or something. Really? Do you remember the shirt you wore? Like, you were, you were doing, okay, what late night's boss is you?

I can figure this out. It wasn't Fallon. Back then, I did, I did Conan a couple times. It was Conan. It was 100% Conan. And then I did, I think I did Ferguson. Stand-up. I did stand-up on Ferguson, I think.

But you wore, you brought your shirt, and it was like a short-sleeved button-down collared shirt. Yeah. But it was a, it was a, it was a, it was. And you were, you had it hung up and you were in like slob clothes off stage. And then you had like this like, and you were like, oh, I got the dot, dot, dot. I did that on camera? You were doing it on Instagram. Oh, on Instagram.

Yeah, on Instagram. Okay. And you had, you had Nike Air Force ones. Sure. Yeah. That was when you had fat guy uniform. Yeah. Well, the thing is, the reason I was probably so proud of that shirt is because it was custom made for my fat ass, you know.

Like, I couldn't buy a shirt. at a store. So I was like, hey, can somebody make me a shirt? What is the part of, since I've lost weight, the thing that, what's insane to me is I never was embarrassed of my body fat. Like, I never had a lot of insecurities. I just was like, this is what I look like. Really? Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Like, I see, I see pictures now and I go, whoa, why didn't anyone say anything? They did. Yeah. What are you talking about? You didn't have any insecurities then? Didn't have any.

That's insane. Isn't that weird? Yeah. And then? Like that's supposed to be, by the way, the healthy sort of perspective is like, hey, celebrate your body, whatever it looks like. But no, you shouldn't have. Can I tell you a secret? Yeah.

I've never told anybody. Yeah, please. I'm going to get destroyed right now. Do you know who Lindy West is? Lindy West? Yeah. No, I've never heard of that. Yeah, you have.

I have? Oh, yeah. Lindy? She debated Jim Norton on Camel Bell's TV show about fat shaming. And she was like, I don't know the right way to say this to her because I was a fan of hers. But she wrote this body positive article that I read and I understood. Like in the gayest way possible, I understood. You understood her perspective?

100%. It's that she came out as fat. She just came out to her family and was like, I'm fat. you need to accept it and stop trying to change me. I don't want to not enjoy Thanksgiving with you people. And I was like, that's what I need. I need people to accept me as fat because I, it sucks when you go. Well, you did really fucking lean in.

Like when you were at your fattest and like, I was like, whoa, you'd be like, I'm enjoying my life, man. I like having 16 hot dogs in the middle of the day. There's so much joy in being fat. When I got Almanjaro and I started getting sick. from my behavior there was a time where I was throwing up on my tour bus

at 2 in the morning and I was like, I haven't been drinking. Yeah. It's just food. Just food, I know. I leaned into fat earlier than you.

Getting fat? No, like, when I was like, probably getting fat, but also like, oh yeah, I'm fat and that's fine. I leaned in early. But then I didn't, then I fucking hated.

I was definitely never got, I don't think, your point of like we had two different fats two different fats yeah like you have more like uh i'm gonna hold it down at my local hot dog stand uh-huh that like you your fat was like you your fat was like uh it was the big like uh sit different fat uh huh like sit different fat yeah like your legs would be open and you'd be like i don't do stairs yeah yeah There's no elevators here? Can someone just pull up fat pictures of Tom?

They're my favorite. They're my favorite. Because I don't recognize that guy anymore. That guy's been dead for so long. No. No. Oh, that is not you. The far right one, it makes me.

That was the most popular fat one. Yeah. But this one here, that's a special shirt. That's a custom shirt. Bottom left. No, under. Go back. Go back a page.

Go back a page. Come back a page. See underneath the far, that. That's a special shirt? That's a, that's a custom shirt for sure. Let me see, scroll to Tom. I don't want to see his, yeah, scroll to Tom. So I can see Tom.

That's fat. That shirt is probably, yeah, that's probably a custom shirt, dude. Look at that beard. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. You're a lot of top teeth in that. Yeah. Do you know that people would, I,

And I started to notice this when I would gain and lose weight. They would say that I'd had my lips done, right? Because they're like, I can't, like, people, I can't believe you got lip injections. I'm like, lip injections? And I was like, you realize what happened is that my lips are my lips. But when I'm fat here, they look a certain way. And if you shrink me down, my lips look bigger, right? Like, your lips look bigger if you take the fat of your face.

Oh, it's like when Ralph, he started losing his hair. And I was like, hey, are you losing your hair? And he's like, no, dog. I'm so fat, it just spread out. And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess if your head, you know, I got hairier when I lost weight. You grew more hair? No, it just got closer. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that makes sense. Like, it was spread out, and I didn't look that hairy in pictures. And then it kind of, yeah. And now I look hairy. And everyone's like, oh, you got hairier. I remember when I walked out of a radio station and he was walking in. Ralphie? Yep.

And he goes, you keep losing weight, dog. I hadn't lost that much weight then. I was like, yeah, he goes, you're going to lose your whole act. You're going to lose your whole act. I was like, I'm not you. Like, I don't talk about it for an hour. Yeah. I'm just like, no.

He was like, you don't want to do that, man. It's a good thing he never lost weight. Yeah, he had an act. Yeah, he never lost his act. He's like, I did three hours tonight. I was like, yeah, I know. I did a podcast with him and Joey Diaz that to this day makes me laugh. Yeah.

Thinking about it. How would you describe it? your fat. My fat? Like, uh, athletic fat. Athletic fat. Like, uh, yeah, like, uh, like John Kruk, uh, John Daly, like just like a fucking, it was hard fat. Here's the thing that was confusing to me is it was tight fat.

Visceral fat? Yeah, it was, it was, it was really crammed in those organs. Mm-hmm. And then when I started to lose weight, this is what's kind of, I texted jelly about this the other day. Yeah. Is like this. like makes me crazy. Like,

whereas this is not as bad as what that was and this was, but this, I'd never had soft fat. Yeah. And I'd see dudes with soft fat, like comics with soft fat, and I'd be like, oh,

I don't want that shit. And then I just... Because yours was hard fat. I was hard fat. And I liked having a belly, like a hard belly. People would touch me and go, oh, whoa,

that's hard as a rock. And I go, yeah. You're like, yeah, it's visceral fat. It's visceral fat. crammed in my organs. Yeah.

But I started to get around my liver and my kidneys and everything is cool. It's pressing on my heart right now. I don't want someone. Who is I talking to? I was talking to my dad, I think. And he was saying, you don't want a ozempic face. And I was like. Like that gaunt look.

Yeah. And I was like, do I have it? And he was like, buddy, you're really far from it. Yeah. I was like what? That's like if you lose like all your face fat, right? Yeah. Like that HIV face. Do you know what I started watching? This documentary on Patient Zero. Do we talk about this? I don't think so. Are you, have I talked to someone about this? I'm obsessed with Patient Zero. Pacing Zero's name was Gay Tom. Yes, it was. Gay Tom. Gay Tom. Gay Tom. Gay Tom. Pull up a picture. patient zero he was a flight attendant for like for like air Canada or something yeah and he just flew around fucking guys fucking dudes all over and it's a good is this good it's fucking fascinating

because they had to track down patient zero get tom do die do gaitam do gos oh it was air Canada yeah and he was out of Vancouver and he or Toronto one of the two and he was just probably Toronto, I'm guessing, maybe Vancouver. And he was just banging around slamming dudes and spreading AIDS. But that is so crazy to have that be your legacy.

Everybody knows you because you spread AIDS. But here's the thing is what's crazy. Nuts. Is the patient zero, when the first guy wrote it, he wrote Patient O out of standing for out of California. Because it was coming out of California.

out of California. Who's the guy spreading it out of California? Someone's taking this disease out of San Francisco and spreading it around. Patient out of California. Everyone read that is Patient Zero. Scroll that down a little bit. And from Patient Zero determined he must be the first person to have AIDS. When he was absolutely probably not the first person to have AIDS,

someone had to give it to him. Right. But it's really interesting. So look at the cluster. Yeah, the cluster's really interesting, huh? So he's zero there. he banged 9, 4, 3, 9, 8, 36, 1, and 15. And then those people.

He spread it to Pennsylvania, Georgia, Texas, Florida, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Jersey. And then New York City, he gave a lot of people in New York City. Well, he slept with, it looks like directly slept with one, two, three, right? like three, four, and nine there are people he directly had contact with. Yeah. And then those like nine gave it to 17, one, and 18. And then four seats, four looks like it didn't give it. I think that's what that's implying, right?

Well, he was in a wheelchair. Damn. Oh, and then all those people died, like everybody on this graph died. Everyone's dead. Yeah, everyone's dead. And then I started getting into AIDS documentaries where I was like watching the spread. of AIDS in Kansas City because it gets obviously I'm sure you had a fucking

layover in Kansas City dudes in Kansas City get AIDS and Kansas City was on by the way it was I don't it was unfair across the world the way they viewed people with AIDS they were just like they're they're gonna give it to you I had two uncles with AIDS and uh with AIDS

where they died of AIDS yeah damn but adjacent uncles they were through marriage my uncle Pete married into a family and two of the brothers had AIDS. I think, I mean, one was gorgeous. I mean, beautiful. I mean, he was a stud. Gorgeous. Got it. And, uh, I mean, like, honestly, Pooka necklace, jacked, feathered fucking hair. I mean, gorgeous. The other one was just a regular dude. I think he was intravenous drugs. And I think that maybe they, I don't know if they both were. It's irresponsible for me to even guess. But so I knew about AIDS at a young age,

because I had these two people in my family that had died a day of AIDS. So I never understood the stigma because I couldn't wrap my head around the stigma because, you know, that it was in our family. But the stigma was crazy. When Princess Diana shook hands with someone with AIDS, everyone was like, oh, now she's got AIDS. Well, there was a thing, too, is like that reaction was the normal reaction because people just didn't. They did it out of ignorance. Yeah.

It was like COVID. Yeah. I mean, but like back then, I remember they were like, because I was a kid, they were like, you know, don't share a cup with someone who would have that. If they kiss you, you'll have AIDS. There was a gay, there was a gay club in Ebor City. And we were down the street. And one of my buddies goes, dude, I just kept by a mosquito. I got AIDS.

I got AIDS. And I was like, what? And he goes, they're biting mosquitoes or biting people with AIDS over there. they're bringing AIDS to us. And I was like, we gotta get some off. Like, holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. And they're not just sponsoring the podcast. They're also backing your bedroom performance. With their new arousal boosting formula, you'll be turned on mentally and physically. Blue Chew is striving to have both your body and brain bricked up. They've combined four ingredients into one powerful solution, Blue Chewold.

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fascinating thing about the Concord. They make Concord. They make Concord. There's four people competing to get the Concord contract. Air France and British Airways makes Concord. Someone when people make the Concord. Anyway, it's really expensive to fly the Concord. Yeah. And they're like only a certain price point. We're not making any money.

And then one guy just says, I wonder, I wonder if we can charge more. Send out like a letter to the guys, the actual guys who have flown the Concord and ask them what they think they paid. So they send a letter. And all the guys are like, I don't know, like 10 grand. And they're like, no, it was three. And they were like, just charge them 10 grand. These are guys who are telling their secretary, put me on the Concord. They have no clue what it is.

The business is paying for it. The secretary is not going to try to find an aggressive price point. So Concord, to make money, just increased it to what the guys thought they were paying. Isn't that crazy? That is crazy. I love information like that. That and, and polio, dude, the iron lung. seems like a real fucking death sentence.

That's not a lot of fun. Not a way to spend a summer. Tell us about your craziest summer. Well, I got polio. What was the fattest thing ever? Oh, my God, dude. I mean, there's multiple things. But like the event where I was like, this guy is out of his mind was dinner in Tallahassee.

after the Florida State Alabama game. I was hot that night. No shit, dude. Is it unattractive when I get firing hot like that? Because I did that a lot of this episode. And I regret that I put out on the internet how passionate I got about stupid shit. You were really on. I will not share how hot you did get.

I will never say it out loud. I've said some things I regret. You said some real crazy things. But the way you were consuming everything was unhealthy. was unhinged. You ordered, I think, 10 appetizers for the table. And everyone was like, okay. And I saw you just inhale.

And then you ordered yourself four dinners. You ordered four entrees, right? And I was like, what is that? You're like, you got to try this. You had like a steak, a pasta thing, like your own fucking ham, and then like another pasta. And you were just ripping through that with, the booze. You probably had 20 doubles that day. Yeah. It was fucking...

Oh, I'm amazed at how much I could drink in a day. I had a nuts. Sports on him, he was like, he didn't, I don't think he loved this, but he was like, you know, I used to drink a bottle of vodka in a day. And I was like, what size? He was like, what do you mean, what size? You had that fucking handle? If it's a handle, then it's an issue, but like, I could probably go through a handle, easy. And a day. You probably could. Yeah. And then I was like, porosos comes in three sizes. The small bottle? Yeah. I crushed out in the evening.

I wish I had one right now. I wish I had one right now. That's good. And then, but yeah, I would love to say that I'll never go back to that in the future. But there is something that I really do love about that. Like, overeating. Like, I like overeating. Well, yeah.

I mean, I like eating. We went to David Chang's restaurant. in downtown the one that's in like the it's like in the in the like warehouses uh-huh uh i forget the name of it everything he fucking makes was incredible and i wasn't drinking so i was just eating yes and i was going after it i always have to pull pull myself you know like he we have sushi so much and the my boys love sushi and we're always and so every time i order sushi I realize that I just order so much. I always feel like I'm stuffed the gills.

So like we'll order, we'll eat, and then two days later we go back. And I'm like, I'll remember like, I ordered too much last time. So I pull it back. My mouth's watering. And then I go, I finish that meal. And I'm like, that's too much. I feel sick. I keep reducing what I order based on the last time.

And it's always too much. Kyle, will you please order me sushi? I want sushi for lunch and sashimi. Can I, Ila made me laugh so hard. We went down to spend time with her at college. Yeah. And she made me laugh so hard. But it was in, what she was saying was idiotic,

but it was in the way she was telling it. And I was wondering, because we've talked about this before. And I think this is the difference between a bad storyteller and a good storyteller, is sometimes you'll hear a bad storyteller and they'll say like, do you know what I'm saying? And then you understand what I'm like, they'll almost like clutter up their sentences

with words or their energy is a tad bit boring. Or we've talked about this with standup where I sent you someone stand up and I go, this all works out on paper, but I'm not laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were like, there's no jazz to it. There's no like freedom.

It's the reason like Chappelle can go up and literally, light a cigarette and you're fascinated. Well, yeah. And there's something about Chappelle when he talks. It's his rhythm or it's his sometimes like the excitement someone has for a story. Remind me to tell you out of story, but Leanne told me a story that she heard Bill Hader tell. And then someone did a video of Bill Hater messing up the original story.

But all the trickle down, the story just got better because the thing you're married to is the original person is not interesting. The second person just remembers the interesting person. The third person remembers only the thing that made them laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you heard the story about David Lee Roth meeting Henry Rollins? No, is this the story they're talking about? This is, I'm going to retell Bill Hader's retelling of the story because it's so. To your memory.

It's so good. Yeah, yeah. Because they have Henry Rollins telling the original story. And when Henry Rollins tells it, it's not good. Uh-huh. It's not interesting. And it's unremarkable. Okay.

So I'll just tell the story. So Henry Rollins was telling this story that he met David Lee Roth. and he was doing morning radio and it was like, you know, 6 a.m. at a morning zoo, something. And he goes in and David Lee Roth is fucking on one. He is in a huge,

fucking floor to shoulder jacket. And Henry Rollins is like a big fan of David Lee Roth. And he like sees David Lee Roth coming out and he's like, Diamond Dave, like I'm such a fucking fan. And David Lee Roth swings open his jacket and it's filled with booze.

And he goes, hey man, you want a beer? And Henry Rollins is like notoriously sober. Yeah. And he's like, oh, no, I don't drink. And David Lee Roth goes, what's the matter? You got school later? So I just fucked up the original story. I just fucked up.

When Bill Hater tells it, it's really good. I would say I even told it better than Bill Hater because I'm not married to anything. Henry Rollins tells a story, and it's so long-winded and so boring that you're like, like sometimes someone else should tell your stories. Ah. You know? Yeah, yeah. And so I'm going to tell a story I let's hold me and I'll make it better and I'll go,

that's not what happened. It doesn't matter. That's also very you though. Yeah. You're also very much into it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I made it better. It doesn't matter.

Are we moving forward? Is everyone entertained? That's kind of your thing though. And yeah. And Leanne will just sit there and go, that's not what happened. I go, shut up. Just shut up. Yeah.

Bless you. No, don't say that. Okay. They sneeze by themselves in this office. Never mind. Hey, I take that back. I told you about the time I was drunk on a plane and I thought someone sneezed and I just turned around and I went, God bless you.

And then I realized it wasn't them. And then I turned to the next person thinking it must have been them and I'm like, God bless you. Now I look like a lunatic blessing people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're sitting at the kitchen table and we're all ordering getting a coffee. We're all making a coffee. Now, the insufferable thing about me is... Wait, you're at a place?

No, no, we're at her place. We're all making coffee. Okay. And I said, because I learned this on a documentary that I learned sober, I'll be more interesting when I drink, I promise. I said, do you know why we drink coffee? And I either goes to wake up, I went, no. It's because of tea. We had the British, the Boston Tea Party, and they, they, they, they say, they, they, they,

tax tea. So to fuck them, we were like, fuck that, we'll drink coffee. So then that's why we drink coffee is because Britain drank tea. And all the fucking people were like, fuck that, fuck tea, we'll drink coffee. That's why we drink coffee. And Ila Casu goes, I think about that Boston Tea Party sometimes. That must have taken forever. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, for them to make all that tea to throw it overboard? Like they're brewing tea? Let it stay. Let us stay. Let us deep a minute. And then I could stop laughing because I was like, I'm like, the decah, shh, turn it off. It's ready. It's ready. And I like, I only brought one cup. Fuck, this is going to take forever with one cup. Get more cups. Like, I got to go back to my house.

And we were laughing so hard. And then I retold it. She goes, it's not what I said. And I went, doesn't matter. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Everyone's happy. Does it matter? Like, what is fucking life but, but just a memory, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let the memory be fucking awesome. Yeah. It's like, ugh.

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Code C-A-V-E. Taxes and fees apply. It's a summary of how your mind works. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're only here for a second. What does it matter? You like to take it up to a fantasy level. Yeah. Yeah. It's what, you know, it's like I have a little bit of Hulk Hogan in me. Because Hulk Hogan, Hulk Hogan told you how he wanted you to feel.

Like I hope I get to meet Nick or Brooke Hogan one day and just go like, hey, I just want to defend your dad a little bit. Like, I loved it. I loved it. Like when he was like, some, they were, have you seen the documentary on Hulk? No, I've been meaning to though. It's fascinating. It's really good. Because he's like, he was like, oh, let me tell you something, man. Andre, when, during WrestleMania 2, Andre was 650 pounds.

We were in airport. He stood on the thing. And then they cut to like Brett Hart and Brett Hart's like, anytime Hulk told the story, the guy went up 50 pounds. But, and then they cut to him. He's like, he was 700 pounds, brother. And you're like, but I go, I get it. No, but he wanted you to know he was big.

Yeah, so he's making it bigger and bigger. He wants, and he goes, I don't think you, I don't think you feel the way I felt. And what's crazy is other people, like Hulk had slammed Andre before. And then I just went on a deep dive of every pro wrestler I've ever fucking been in love with. Gold Dust, uh, fucking any, all these like bizarre razor Ramon. Like, and then I just, Big John Studd. Do you remember Big John Stud? You don't remember that.

How did you dodge wrestling as a kid? But I think that it was like, so what I remember was I had a bus driver when I would go to, still in Cincinnati, so I was probably like seven or seven or eight, you know, six, seven, eight, like that age range. And I'd go to school on the school bus. And this driver was a really fun dude. And he would do macho man impressions. So like, that's what I remember about him, him doing macho man.

And we would love it. He would do the impression like as he, as you got on the bus or as you got off. really cool really nice guy and all i remember was like liking macho man and and hulk hogan andre the giant like they were kind of like the three big stars of this time yes and then i just remember that i don't know how it phased out for me but i just remember getting into football and I guess just gravitating more towards it and just leaving this. There's something about wrestling that is entirely fantasy.

And it's so interesting. It's an interesting fact about Macho Man Randy Savage is his brother, Leapin Lenny Poffo. I think I'm saying his name right. And these are all just one-part takeaways. Randy Macho Man Savage was like, I need like a gimmick. I need a stick.

And he heard another man go, oh, yeah. He heard another man do that on a pro, and we're another wrestler. And he took it. And then he started going, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then Hulk says, macho man lost Randy.

Randy disappeared, which I also identify with. Yeah. And he disappeared. And he just became. macho man all the time. And he was no longer ever Randy.

Like he would, he was like, and the whole Miss Elizabeth, the way he treated her in the ring started being how he treated her a little bit out of the ring. And by the way, I'm just talking about documentaries. If you're a huge macho man fan and you're losing your mind right now, I apologize. But like his, it started to morph.

And then I started realizing, you know, I do that with Leanne. I make jokes about Leanne. Like I do this joke that she's off leash. Like if you get Leanne off leash, She's at the dog park biting other dogs in the neck And today she was wildly off leash Like she came in and I told

I told Pete and Kyle in the gym I go heads up Leanne's off leash And she's biting dudes And she came in and she I had my phone on And she goes turn it off Walked out and Kyle just goes I think I just got bit And then I go oh wait

Am I turning her into the character Am I turning Do I turn everyone into the character of my life and then every story doesn't matter about the truth. I just need it to be... You know, I'm learning a lot about myself, Tom. I've noticed. I've noticed.

Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Then at 53, now I start paying attention. You are. I wonder what's leading to that. It's got to be sobriety. I think so. For real?

Yeah, of course. So is this what sober life is where you always wake up going like... Awareness? Yeah. Probably, yeah. Yeah. You have a great sense of awareness all of a sudden. Can I tell you a comment I saw?

the other day where people think that you're not actually in the room with me. What do you mean? That they think that we're in two different places, like on green screen. Why? I have no idea. Someone sent that to me. They go, Tom's not in L.A. this much. I saw him the day that episode aired, we shoot them.

We gang shoot them. Yeah. Yeah. And then we, yeah, that's why sometimes we go, like, don't talk about that because it's going to be three weeks old. Yeah. So he comes to L.A. We shoot a bunch.

And sometimes you come to Austin. And sometimes I want to come to Austin. Yeah. So much more these days. Yeah. Yeah. I'm fucking, I said to Leanne, I'm going to put this to you. Sell the house, right?

What if we get apartments in five cities? Five cities. And you live, I love apartment living. I mean, I'm this going to sound like, I'm going to get lit up online for this. But I love apartment living. Okay. Like I love, I love the downsize. I heard Luke Combs has a,

Two bedroom house. Two bedroom house. But there's like four kids or something. 2,300 square feet. Yeah. And I got to be honestly, my favorite house we ever had was our one on Agnes. And then we live in a house in Georgia. We live in an apartment in Georgia, two bedroom, probably 1,100, 1,100 square feet apartment.

When you shoot? Yeah, when we shoot. And I love it. I love it. I love the proximity to Leanne. I love that we both have our own bedrooms. I love that we have a great living area, great kitchen. We don't cook.

We go out to eat, which makes it fun. And so I said to Leanne, what if we got rid of it? everything. Got rid of everything and just got five apartments in five different cities. Because the girls are out, the girls aren't living in L.A. So what are we doing here? What if we just got five cities, five apartments? Five apartments. Think about it for you. Where would your five cities be? Where would yours be? Leanne, first one she said was Hawaii. Okay. Which I was like, yes. Second one she said, Austin, Texas. Cool. third one she said

Atlanta Georgia okay fourth one New York City fifth one Chicago now I would trade out

Chicago I don't know if I get an apartment in New York I don't want to live in New York I like hotels in New York hotels are great in New York I would much rather a hotel are you talking about like doorman style apartments and everything

I'm talking about an apartment where you go in you buy five pairs of workout shorts, a pair of workhouse shoes, five pairs of jeans, a couple nice pants, a couple of college shirts, bunch of shirts, a few hats. I love that you get the wardrobe down. Yeah, well, that's what I buy when I go on location.

And then you got like a little underbar sound system, a good television, great couch, great beds, get the beds at a fucking helix mattress. Okay. I do that everywhere. Helix mattresses, loaded up, five cities. say i'm gonna say Miami is pretty that's a fun one for fucking fun Miami beach oh yes yeah i would be i would get I would get and I never would

think this I would get a 18th floor 18th story yeah overlooking the water so I can watch storms come in watch sunsets yeah without a doubt I would go okay I would go L.A. Okay. Austin. Yes. I like the New York. Wait, we're in Austin off 6th Street?

You're getting an apartment. Right. Too chaotic there, I think. Really? Yeah. So I would pick just a different street. Maybe in the area, the downtown area, but probably not on 6th Street. Okay.

Because there's great restaurants down there. Great restaurants. New York. Interesting. Where in New York? Downtown. somewhere Soho. I don't know, like Lower East Side. Ooh, Soho.

Apartment in Soho? Shut up. All right, I switched. I want, now I want, I want New York now. I want New York. Then I would do something like for a little flavor, maybe like Mexico City, you know? Yeah. For the fun of like going there, the energy, the food, like that would be a fun place to have one also. So that would be number four. and then if you can you can pick anywhere right yeah so like in the states i don't need another one so i would go also another one abroad somewhere like maybe in europe yeah uh maybe like florence or something

someone said to me the other night at a graduation your boy tommy fucked up i said why he goes austin no no he goes everything on the east coast in europe is like a three-hour flight, four hour flight. He should have, and he goes, and he's too international. He should have been over there. And I went, really. And I forget he was telling me this. He was like, he was like, everything, guy's daughter goes to school in Scotland. Yeah. And he was like, we just, he goes, if, if you can say, fuck L.A., then the, like go, I don't need L.A. at all. And you're East Coast. Oh, it was, it was, it was, it was a, it was a, it was a investment banker. Okay. It was investment banker. And It wasn't at a graduation.

It was at one of my shows in New York. It was a while ago. It was a very long time ago. Okay. Okay. Because he said, you know what he said? What? He said, I'm gonna fuck this up, but he's like,

Monaco is just as far as L.A. From New York. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you live on the East Coast, if you live in New York, you have access to Europe is not crazy for you all. Europe is not crazy. No.

Put in flights from Europe to, New York to Europe, I would love to do, I think I fucked myself by living in L.A. Because my choices are Tokyo's seven hours. What am I going to do in Tokyo? Tokyo's rad. Yeah, but what am I going to do in Tokyo? What do you mean?

I can't believe they're still wearing masks. You're going to have London. No, time. 6.50 it says non-stop to London. That seems so long. That's kind of long. But that's not that much crazier than New York. LA to New York kind of flights around that, right, six hours?

Yeah. It might be shorter from Atlanta. See what Atlanta to London is. Because it's weird the way the globe works. I'm here to share some hard-hitting news for my fellow business owners. They say that every day your business is late to integrating AI, you fall two days behind. When it feels like the competition is constantly moving faster, you need a business management suite like NetSuite next.

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dude, that is the name of your next book. If you write another book, it's called I Saw This Thing on YouTube. That's the perfect summary of Burt information. Hang on. I got something to say. I saw this thing on YouTube.

It's about midlife crises. And so, I'll paraphrase. horrifically I'm certain. So midlife crisis has showed up right after World War 2. Okay. Because people started living longer and they were like, wait, what is this all about? And divorce, the divorce rate was like, once again, I'm burnt numbers, but like there were 7,000 people got divorced in the United States before World War II and then 80,000 after World War II. Okay. Yeah. So and then people started living longer because

like both my grandparents didn't have midlife crisis. They just, my grandfather's just died at 50. So no one lived to 80. So there was no midlife. You just died at 40 and 50. So they started dying and started living longer and they started saying, well, what is life? Like if I'm going to live this, what am I? Is it getting better? And at a certain point, you realize, oh, it's downhill from here.

Like it doesn't get better. Right. And then I said, oh, I should have had a midlife crisis by now. And then I was like, oh, no, I got lucky when I was about to have a midlife crisis. I got successful. So I worked through my midlife crisis. Interesting. And I achieved my dreams from 44 to 53, nine years.

I got to do everything I ever wanted to do. Yeah. So I worked through my midlife crisis. And now I'm into like retirement age, theoretically. I'm not gonna, but like, so like, I'm like, oh, that's great. And then I looked at Leanne. And I was like, can you believe we did that? She's like, I don't know about we.

And I was like, wait, what? And then I, and the thing, the key to a, midlife crisis. Yeah. The key is, are you happier today than you were yesterday? Because leading up to, say, 40 years old, like Kyle's age. I can explain it easy with Kyle, my assistant, because he still has his dreams to happen. He's wanting his dreams to happen.

At a certain age, you realize, oh, my dreams, they didn't happen. And they're not going to happen. And this is it. And am I happy here in a 23-year? 100 square foothouse with four kids on under an acre of land and with neighbors really close to me that I don't love overweight. My wife's overweight. I'm 50 years old. I got maybe 25 good years left. If that is today better than it was yesterday. And Leanne said it's not. And I, and I'm, she said, what's not? She said she hasn't lived like today is better than yesterday.

It's been she's not as happy as she was yesterday. Oh. And I was like, really? And then she said, she's going to get upset that I'm sharing this. Cool. But she said I was happiest raising my girls. When my girls were at home, that's when I was happiest. And everything from that has been trying to recapture that.

That's a very honest thing. It's very honest. And then I said, so how do I get you there? So how do I get you there? And I was like, let's adopt some kids. No, that's when we got into the five apartments. Oh. She was like, what if we just got rid of everything?

And we just traveled to go see the girls and traveled and lived life and just traveled. And you can do stand-up. You can make movies. You can do TV shows. But our life is spent just getting after it every day. And I was like, that's interesting. Do you think you might really do this? Well, no, we started saying, we started saying life is full of possibilities.

So then we started saying, all right. I just, no idea is a bad idea. That's Leanne's motto, which is wildly incorrect. There are bad ideas. Our therapist qualified that. Yeah. I brought it up in therapy. I go, hey, just, you know, we got no fight.

And she said no ideas, bad ideas. And then our therapist goes, what about the Holocaust? That was a bad idea. I was like, alright. No, there's lots of bad ideas. Hey, I'm going to be a flight attendant and have unprotected sex through the 80s. Bad idea. Would you buy all these apartments?

Yes. Why not rent some? I could. Yeah, I could. Yeah. But then we started saying, okay, this house is my forever house. And then I said, wait, let's do dream house.

Let's do hypothetical dream house. Okay. And we started sending each other dream houses. And then all of a sudden, I go, wait, would you live in Venice? And she goes, no, but I'd live in Marina del Rey. And I went, wait, you'd be interested in living in Marina del Rey. I'd love to live by the beach. She goes, I'd love to live in Marina Del Rey. We wouldn't have never had that conversation. Had I not read this YouTube video. Had I not read this YouTube video about midlife crises,

so I put it on you. Are you happier today? Let's start it from here. Okay. When you moved to L.A. to follow your dream, were you happier than when you were in college? Yeah, I think so. Okay. When you started to achieve your dream and make your first special, mostly stories? Completely normal. Completely normal. Yeah. When was mostly stories? After, pretty normal. When you made completely normal, were you happier that day than you were when you started stand-up? Happier that day. Probably, yeah. Right? Yeah. So we're climbing, right?

Climbing, yeah. We're climbing. Are you happier today than the day we started two bears? Are you happier today? I'm so much happier. And by the way, I'm just putting it, I'm so much happier. The day we started two bears, I was a very happy person. I remember one of the days pulling up to the old place where you couldn't smoke indoors and the Dobran and everything.

And I remember listening to Steely Dan and being so excited that I was all of a sudden hearing the music differently. I was like, oh, this is fucking awesome. I mean, I was really happy when we started that. That was fun. Yeah. Are you happier today, though? I mean, this is good question. I don't know if I can like quantify it as like today.

I'm happy. Like, I feel happy. You know, I mean, happy is also this, I don't know when you, when you say happy or content, right? I'm not content. I'm not content. As a matter of fact, I detest contentness. You'd embrace happiness. I embrace.

indulgence, happiness, exuberance, joy. Those are the things I look for. If I'm, like, that's my problem with sobriety is sometimes I'm just content. I think the thing that gets me the most, if you want to use the term, happy, is like a certain energy. And that energy usually comes from like doing something creative and productive. So like if I'm, if I'm like really, enjoying, let's say, building this hour, there's a certain energy that comes from that.

Yes. Or like working on a TV show or a movie, there's a certain energy that comes from that. That, whenever I have that creative juice going, there's a happiness about life that I feel. I also feel it from other things, obviously. Right. Listen, I have, I went bowling with Ila and her boyfriend and we, I was happy. I was probably more content. But like, you're right. When you start, the best part is when you start a project.

Yeah. And it starts moving. Like the thing starts going. Like that's a certain level. That's a certain type of happiness. There's happiness obviously like with your kids seeing them, you know, achieve things or go for things. I get happier with your kids and I do. The funniest thing.

I will talk about this on stage is watching Michael Jackson movie with my boys. And then Julian being like, how come he's getting beat? You know? And like, because Joe Jackson's beating Michael. And I'm like, because his dad was just like aggressive and like abusive. And he's really mad at, you know, he's like a controlling guy and he's got a temper. And Michael's not doing what he wants. And he goes, man, that's fucking hilarious.

And he's like, I go, yeah. He goes, can I get a belt? Yeah. And he just starts. I give him a belt. He starts just like wailing, hitting everything. Like hitting the bed, hitting chairs. I go, what are you doing?

goes, you're not hitting the notes, Mike. But what I was talking about it was someone, and I was like, you know, I was like, it's so crazy. And they're like, yeah, but it's such a good thing that your son sees getting beaten as so unrealistic that he thinks it's funny. Yeah. You know, he doesn't realize the reality of it. He's like, that's a crazy thing that somebody would get beat so he can find humor in it.

Yeah. Right? because if he were beaten, you know, it would traumatize him to watch that. But he's just like, people get hit? Like, yeah, he goes, you've never hit us. I got, no, dude, I'm not going to hit you guys. He's like, he's like, I still don't get why he does it. I'm like, he's a bad guy.

I keep trying to tell him. He's like, he's like, oh, man, he's like, I want to get a belt. I got to have a belt, man. Okay, sure. Leanne explained to Ila, picking a switch. was. Because Leanne, when she was a child, if she was in trouble, she had to go pick her own switch. And Ila's like, couldn't wrap her head around. It's like, wait, hold on. You had to pick the instrument. You're going to get hit with. You're going to get hit with. And Leanne's like, oh, yeah. And then Leanne, just as a

thought exercise, it was like, Ila, go out in the arm and pick your own switch. And I was like, okay, and came back with bullshit. And we started laughing. Because I knew the, I knew the rule of picking a switch was if you didn't get something big enough, They went and picked it and it was not what you wanted. Yeah. And we explained that to Highlands. She's like, do you have any leftover lumber? All right, last question.

I'm gonna post you, okay? I said this today. I just hit my strain max on my whoop from your workout. My whoop. I'm, dude, I'm sober. I am so obsessed with my whoop. Yeah. I am so obsessed with my whoop. My heart rate, you have a crazy resting heart rate.

Yeah. I say that about you when people bring you up. Yeah. They'll go like, what's it like working with Tom and I lean in? I go, crazy resting worker. It's so, it is crazy. And they're like, really? That's why I think he's dead inside.

Yeah. What is it? Upper 30s? Upper 30s? Yeah. And I, it said the point where it was, you know, alarming at one point. And I don't know if I'm alive. Yeah.

And I went to the cardiac center at Cedars and had a full, full battery of tests, as they say. And they were just like, yeah, you have it's a good, you have a good strong heart. Yeah. Nothing, there's nothing else to say. The my my resting heart rate. Probably dropped a lot, right? A lot. I almost want to give you the we should almost do a Woop episode. We should go out to Woop and do an episode at Woop with our vodka over the summer, throw a party, get the V-O-2 max. Yeah. After we drink to see what they are recovery-wise, because I do stand by the fact that we have the best recovery vodka in the world. Yeah. But,

My resting heart rate, I'll just show you a picture. What did it used to be? Do you know what it used to be? I'll tell you right now. I bet it's dropped dramatically, right? My resting heart rate in January. Look at this. Over six-month period.

Look at this. Do you see the white? Yeah. That's in the 79. That was my resting heart rate. That's 79. January. Okay.

It's when I got the blood clot. I was partying. Right now, resting heart rate's 59. It's low 50s. Like on an average, but it's low 50s during the, like, right now that's the average for the month. Yeah. But it's been in the low 50s. So it's dropped so much.

Drops significantly. I mean, my sleep, Tom, is insane. Like, if you looked at my sleep, look at this. It's just like flatlined. And then I had a bad dream. But hey, watch this one. look at this sleep it's just flat

yeah look at you dude I know it's crazy but um so my question I'll post you and then we'll wrap this episode up right at an hour five and remember sending your mountain do submissions please so we can make our sizzle two bears one cave at gmail.com

get a bottle of porosos this summer the number two the word bears the number one the word cave at gmail.com I today I worked out and I broke my first sweat, like in a workout. Yeah. And it's such a great feeling.

The best. When you break, okay, so then I would argue, what's better? Your first sweat that your body breaks when you start working out, or the last sweat when it's dripping off you and you're done and you're sitting on a bench watching it come off your nose. Oh, that's a good one, dude. I think the sense of accomplishment tied to the last one takes it up a notch. The fact that you got through it.

Yeah. The break also always feels good because you're like, I'm doing it. Like, this is happening. Yeah, because there's a crazy sense of accomplishment from like, I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. Oh, God, it's been five minutes and nothing's happening. You know, I used to do that break of sweat thing after four stairs. I would just walk up four stairs.

Like, wow, I really did something right now. I'm sweating. When you're the fattest you can be, you sweat all the time. You're always sweating. It's not a sense of what you're like, fuck, I'm sweating. I just walked in here. You're just always sweating. Black guys got it down with those towels.

The other fat black guy has a towel over the shoulder. Craig Robinson used to go everywhere with a towel, yes. Have you seen him dunk? Dunk. Have you seen Craig Robinson dunk? We're talking about the same. Type in Craig Robinson dunk. Is he doing it now?

No. Hang on. Have you not seen young Craig Robinson? No. Tom. Really? Really? It's better than your dunk.

I bet. It's a video. There you go. Young Craig Robinson could dunk. That's him? That's Craig Robinson. Oh, he got up, dude. Dude, when you see the video of him,

he's hanging too. Yeah. He was skinny and athletic as fuck. You know his brother's like one of the most accomplished jazz drummers? No idea. In the country. Craig's hilarious. Craig's incredible.

Damn Yeah, he was He was a different human Talk about talent To be able to dunk means you can ball, right? Yeah But then also be as comedically funny And musically

And musically and sensitive To be able to get comedy Yeah, yeah You can't just be a meathead and get comedy No I had no idea That's wild dude All right, let's see what the internet said

First sweater last sweat Let's see I posted it this morning Okay First sweater last sweat You ready? Everyone says last sweat, 60%. Yeah.

All right, that's a great episode. I'm going to take you down and give you a Kool-Aid pineapple slices. Let's do it. And we're done. Thanks for watching. We'll see you next week. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of the swall the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call. Two bears one cave. Car shopping this civic holiday weekend, most car dealerships are closed and all you'll find are crickets. Not Performance Auto Group. They're open this Saturday and Holiday Monday for their annual Civic Holiday Sales event. Celebrate this long weekend with rates from 0%. They might be closed. Performance Auto Group is open to serve you. Join Performance Auto Group this Saturday or Civic Holiday Monday 9 to 5 for the best time to shop this summer.

Thank you.