2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - How To Make Millions In Vegas w/ Andrew Dice Clay | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

SPONSORS: -Go to https://zbiotics.com/BEARS  to get 15% off your first order when you use BEARS at checkout -Head to https://policygenius.com/BEARS to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. -Get a free Mystery Gift with your first monthly shipment when you sign up at https://boxofawesome.com and enter the code BEARS at checkout -This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/BEARS and get on your way to being your best self. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Bert is out and the Diceman is in! Tom Segura is joined by Andrew Dice Clay for a sit-down and the two talk shop on the finer art of messing with people. Dice is looking pretty good these days, which he credits to becoming something of a gym rat late in his life. The two share experiences with arenas, which of course is something Dice has had plenty of practice doing. They then get into a discussion about gambling and Dice tells a story about how he turned a few bucks into a fortune at a blackjack table in Vegas. He doesn't gamble much these days, but he's got plenty of stories about it. They also talk about Tom, meet and greets with fans, acting, the great Joey Diaz, vices, and so much more. OHHHH! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 248 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100%. All right. We are rolling. Luckily for us, uh, my regular co-host has some autoimmune, uh, issues and he's seeing the best doctors available and sitting in for him is one of the all time greats. We're so lucky that he's here. Give it up for the one and only Andrew Dice Clay, everybody.

And it's great to be here. Man, this is awesome. This is a treat. I don't like the reason I'm here, because I love Burt. Yeah, he's great. I think you guys are a great team. Thank you.

That's number one. Another thing, you guys are just killing it out there. Thanks, man. I have to say it. Because I follow, you know, I don't know how anybody knows who follows who. Yeah. You know what I mean? But I do. I follow you.

I follow. I follow the two of you. I follow him. He's so crazy on the road with the fully loaded. It's crazy. You know? Yeah. I'm like, when did they have time for the show? So I look at the clips. I know because they're out like, they're kayaking and fucking playing Frisbee golf.

Let me ask you something about him, because I've talked to him. Like when he's on that thing, when they're out there doing those shows, and they're gigantic shows. Bigger than gigantic. Yeah, they're hugeger than gigantic. So I'm saying, so there they are now in an amusement park with everybody going on the roller coaster. Now I know if I was with him and he said, does he tell them you have to do this? Because nobody turns around and says,

oh, I'm not going on there. Yeah, because he knows I would. I would never. I would never do it. I grew up near Coney Island. I didn't go on the Cyclone once. Not a chance. And the roller coasters today make that look like nothing.

And he's like, just smile. He'll sit in the front car. Nothing means anything to him. He's like the what's it like the carnival guy like did they have to do it? I don't think they have to but I do think that Burt has this thing It's probably an extension of who he was in college. We're like the guy who's like, let's go Let's go fucking stand on top of this building and take shits off this, and then somebody's like, all right. Yeah, let's go white water rafting.

No, no Bert, I can't do that. I don't wanna do it. I'm not doing that. But it is amazing to see it. Yeah, yeah, he's contagious though, he's contagious fun. And what else, and I love that he's, we had talks about exercise, and what else to it? And I love that he's where we had talks about exercise. And he is pumping.

Yeah. You know, he's been, and I've even seen Walberg talk about it. He's been getting after it. Yeah, you've been a big exercise guy. Well, that's where I connected with him when I met him at the mothership, I started talking about exercise.

Yeah. I go, you know, I'm not ripped. You know, I'm just, you know. You're a fit guy though. Jews don't get ripped. You know what I mean? We just don't. I mean, now and then you see one,

but you gotta figure the father's Italian. You know what I mean? That it's a mixed matter. But yeah, but I love to exercise because I always say like, you know, like as a comic, you're exercising your mind, your mind, your mind runs your body. So why not exercise everything? Yeah. You know, so you were, he's been doing it. He's been doing it more lately for sure.

You were, but you were a big workout guy. Like you have been right for your. Well, this is the thing when I was, when I was 30 and I got Ford Fairlane, that's also like when my career took off, right before I was 30. So all these celebs would come to my show, from Cher to Priscilla Presley to Billy Idol. My first concert in LA at the Wilton is where I became friends with Guns N' Roses.

Yeah. And Stallone would come to all my shows. I became friends with him because he called to meet me on the set of Lock Up, which I idolized Sly. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't believe, you know, my manager at the time, he calls me and goes, Sly Stallone wants to meet you.

So bottom line line the next Sunday he leaves a message on my voice machine going you know we're having Memorial Day why don't you come over my house? You know and I'm looking at the number two wife, you know, which wasn't the number two wife yet and I go do you believe this we're going to a barbecue with Sly's but at his house I met this guy George Pipsic which was his trainer for all the Rockies and Rambos and he set me up with George who was Mr. Czechoslovakia four years in a row. And when steroids came into the business, he quit the business and came to America,

met Sly, he built every machine in his gym, and he taught me to train. But by the time I was about 38, I was 255, which I call Elvis dying weight. Because I was miserable in that marriage. Okay. Okay. So I was just fat, you know, thank God. I was able to exercise a little because of what George taught me, but it wasn't till my fifties that I just really got into it.

And I leaned out. You look great, man. I try, you know what I mean? Yeah. You know, you exercise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? You exercise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do weights, I do cardio stuff, I ride a bike, go on runs. All right, so when you do weights, do you do heavy reps? No, I don't really do heavy. See, that's the, no, no, I mean a lot of repetition. Oh, oh yeah, so. Not heavy weight.

Heavy reps, yeah, yeah, so. Every set I do is between 15 and 21 reps No matter what I do. Okay, you know, it's just and and that's how you stay like leaner and I don't even know why we're talking about. I don't know we were talking about gambling two minutes ago I saw a sucker again. I want to talk about you because I met you For you know two minutes at the Bill Burr Golden Show. Yeah, we were in New York. It was awesome, because it was a surprise for the audience, but it was a surprise for me too.

I was just stopping by Bill's show at MSG, and I'm sitting there in the wings, and then I see you, they go, oh, Dice is gonna do a surprise set in here. I was like, no. So I just grabbed you real quick, and I was, I mean, it was because you know for everything that's happening in comedy has never been this big right like globally and there's fucking 15 people

doing arenas and there's 40 plus doing theaters it's insane but you're the guy that all of us like when when arenas were even discussed it seems like such a far-fetched thing We're like, yeah, I mean like it was something that you did you know that you know I never thought when I did like I know I'm the first guy that did it. Yeah, okay, and that was my dream yeah, okay, and So I never thought at that time that it's gonna become the norm for when comics get big, it's gonna be arenas. Yeah.

And Rogan always talks about it on his show. Sure. He goes, I forgot who told me, he goes, Rogan said the garden is the home that Dice built. Sure. That every comic, no matter how many arenas they do, they gotta play the God, because Dice played the God.

So, it was a funny thing with Bill Burr, because I love his comedy, and I said to my sugar plum, he was playing out in Jersey at the Prudential Center, and I said, you know, I know Bill really likes what I do, so I'll text him if he's gonna feel odd that I come to his show, I won't go. Because I know how I would feel like

when Rodney would show up. Like you feel you gotta be better than you are, type of thing. You know, so he goes, no, I want you to come. So all the way there, I'm teasing her because I could really get her. And I'm in what I call my dress up motorcycle jacket. My going out for dinner, not necessarily on stage.

And I go, yeah, I haven't done arenas since. I went back to the garden in 2000. I sold out the beacon in the garden in the same week, in the year 2000 and had nothing going on in the business. And I just did it. So that's 24 years ago. So I said, oh, I haven't done an arena since 2000. And all the way there she's going it's it's it's not your

show you're not performing like she thinks I'm losing it yeah yeah yeah I love to do that to people to just put them on yeah like I do in the street when I come over to boys you you have it is it's become everybody's favorite IG account and I got to tell you this, for people who don't know, it's so worth a dive into because it's like these real, genuine, organic moments where you're like, you want a picture? And people are like, what?

They gotta go. We got Andrew Dice Clay. I don't even know. The Instagram. What is this Instagram? What's it called? What is it? What is my site called? The Instagram. What is this Instagram? What's it called? What is it?

What is my site called? Yeah, it's at Andrew Dice Clay. Okay. And it is my personal favorite Instagram account where you just walk up to anybody and you're like, are you here for the thing? And they're like, what? Yeah, I got addicted to it cause because I'm in New York a lot,

and I just love, since I'm a kid, to mess with people. I can't help myself. And I used to do it with a video camera, and with the DV tapes, but it wasn't going up on phones. Again, Rogan was sort of a new comic at the store, and I'm filming every night.

I change the lighting in the comedy store, in the kitchen, red, blue, green. Like it's a set, rather than the stock lighting, you know? Sure. And so one night, Rogan walks over and he goes, can I ask you something? Because it was all the new comics that are like, like hotter today, like Bobby Lee and Ari

Shaffir and Sebastian. All these guys were new comics. So he comes over, he goes, Can I ask what you're filming every night? You know? I go, Oh, it's the show. It's, you know, my show.

And he goes, What's it on? I go, Oh, nothing, really. And he just starts laughing. Three he goes, what's it on? I go, oh, nothing really. And he just starts laughing. Three nights later, he's got a guy with a camera filming him. You know, not what I was doing, but like, that's why he's so smart.

He catches on to stuff. But now, when the phones came out, you know, when I went back to New York, I was, you know, I just walked over to some unsuspecting, are you the one? And I don't act like this. He's almost like the slow guy in the neighborhood. So I come over, I go, are you the one that wanted, they said you wanted the picture?

And it's always people that doesn't that don't want it yeah you know yeah and it just even became lunch and they're like what did you say it's become a giant thing it's amazing I can't even believe it's the best dude 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age policy genius helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies

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for a free mystery gift with your first monthly shipment. Boxofawesome.com and the code is BEARS, B-E-A-R-S. Boxofawesome.com, the code is BEARS. It is so, it feels, here's the thing, it just feels like, it feels like you're sharing something that is genuinely for you. Like that you're getting the kick out of doing it. I can't do it enough.

Yeah. I'm addicted to it. Please never stop. It's the funniest thing. Well, this is the thing. When I do leave the apartment, my sweetheart will always say, she'll go, just do me a favor. Make sure you could kick their ass, whoever it is.

Because I have had some problems. Have you? People get in my face, you know, and I'm like, I gotta get out of this. Really? So the dumber I play, the more they're thinking, oh, there's something wrong with this guy, just walk away.

But I do like, I forgot, I forgot what I had out years ago. It's something you don't need in your body. It was an operation. Like an appendix? It's not the appendix, though. It's a spleen. What?

What's that thing? What is it? Just yell it She's in the other room, but if she says something though, they'll send me a message No, just what what's it called? Somebody find out I Don't we'll go ask her. Okay. I thought she's watching she's watching but she's probably she's probably lying. She's oh, okay So anyway, I'm walking by

You know No, number one. I just hung up the phone With you know, the comic bread guy and I'm friend. Yeah. Yeah, sure. So he's like, you know, what are you doing? I got I just know he had a fight with a guy You know, yeah, he goes where are you? I go. I'm at a bus stop because You're a legendary why you would a bus stop. Yeah, like what are you doing with your life? So what happened is I'm walking by this guy and I hear him on the phone He's talking about doctor stuff. Mm-hmm

You know, like I don't know about his wife or something. And that's all I gotta hear. So I come back, I get my phone on. I'm going, excuse me, you're the one that wanted to talk about, you know, I have my appendix out. You know, you needed to talk about, you wanted to meet with me. Guy couldn't get away quick enough.

Yeah. He couldn't, you're not like a 45, 50 year old man with a backpack, asshole, you know, with his little walk away scooter. And so I just loved it because he's jumping, like what, no, I don't need you. Yeah, I don't. I'm in the middle of this, like who are you?

But that's what I love and Jim Norton knows bedlam anybody my whole life, I just love to bother people. It's a different sense of humor than the one I use on stage. It's the one I was using in the car going to see Bill, to my own girl, going, no, I don't know, I didn't put anything together.

And she's going, it's not your show. We're going to watch the show. She goes, I don't know, maybe he'd want you to introduce him, I don't know. Like she just wanted to stop talking about it. But the joke was on me because I get there and the minute I walk into his dressing room, and you know Bill, he's a great guy.

As a guy, he's a great guy. And, yeah. As a guy, he's a great guy. And he goes, he just gets up with this big smile, he goes, Dice, you're gonna do some time, right? So I'm like, my stomach dropped. I'll be honest with you, you know. I'll do 1,500 seat theaters, 2,000 seats, or clubs. That's what I do now. And he goes, and I go, no, no, no, no, no. Not a joke, so I go, I'm not going up, that's not what I do now. And he go and I go, no, no, no, no, no. Now the jokes. I go, I'm not,

I'm not going up. That's not what I'm here. He goes, no, you, you gotta go up. You gotta do time. Right. And then I get introduced. And the minute I went up, the place went nuts. It went jersey. No, this is Jersey show. Okay. And because I've been thinking about like maybe going bigger again. Right? Okay. And, cause I've been thinking about like maybe going bigger again, and, but you know, you get a little old, it's like no matter how you train,

you know, you're still a little older, like you know, to face those kind of crowds, which you know cause you're doing it now. Yeah, yeah. You know, it takes, like how old are you? I'm 45. Okay, yeah, 45, you're nothing. You're a child as far as,

that's what happens when you hit like 60, you know? You look at a 45 year old guy going, because I remember my father telling me, at that age he goes, you don't even realize how young you are. You're a kid. You know, that's how the older generation, you know, that's just how it goes.

So I go on the stage, I kill the crowd, and my girlfriend's like, you see, you can do it. That was nothing for you. All right, so I don't know if it was two weeks later. Now, like I told you, I became friends with Guns N' Roses in 88. So around 92, I get a call from Axel. This is fucking crazy.

But I was friends with them. I'd go to the rehearsal studios. I'd sit in, jam with them on the drums. Yeah, at the rehearsal place with Slash and Duff. They'd come to my apartment three in the morning. We'd go to the Rock and Roll Ralphs on Sunset. And I'd annoy people in the parking lot, only without the phone.

So I get a call, and I was starting to get claustrophobic in the arenas. It was already like three or four years of arenas, and he goes, I'm doing, this is Axl Rose talking Common Sense now. The Axl you know. He goes, I'm doing the Rose Bowl and I want you to be our guest

and go on after Metallica. Oh my fucking God. And I'm going, I can't do it Axl. I go, just being closed in like that, you know. He goes, Dice, it's gonna be over 100,000 people. You know, he goes, and you're gonna be outside. He goes, just look at the stars. So it made sense to me.

So I come out, and the minute I came out to We Will Rock You, and the whole audience got up. You know, it was amazing. An amazing feeling. So now here we are all these years later. I just did the Bill Barth thing. It was like this past November or something. And so now I get a call on a Monday night

from their road manager that they're gonna be at the MetLife, which is the old giant stadium in Jersey. This is in, like, beginning of December. We want, here's a special guest. Can you do it? And I'm like, when? Tomorrow night. And you know, my girlfriend's like, she also watches out for me, my health, everything.

And she goes, you don't have to do it. I go, yeah, but I do. Yeah. So I show yeah, but I do. Yeah. So I show up. At MetLife. 60,000 people or more, something like that. Now I don't see him, because I'm in a dressing room hanging with Duff,

and now when Tom Mayhew, the road manager, goes, all right, it's time. As we're walking, I'm seeing through the bleaches, just as far as the eye could see. You know, and I'm going, oh my God. I go, and I'm thinking, well, these are the stories I told my girlfriend. She's now getting to see it.

So let them have it. And I even look, when I look at the video, so little, walking out to that crowd, and they went nuts. But the difference is, it's not a comedy crowd. They're not there for comedy. They're there for rock and roll, so you're taking a chance. Definitely.

And I slammed them for about 15 minutes. So now I see Bill Burr is coming to the garden in December and I called him and because that is my place. And he goes, Dice, you want to be my special guest? You got it. That's how simple it is to him. And that's where I meet you. You know, I think right before I was going on, right? Right before you went on stage, man. You know, and I remember, and it was just easy. You know, that's how I felt about it.

And I remember his manager telling me after, he goes, you just played an arena like it's a 200 seat club. Yeah. You're heckling people, you're picking on people. Yeah. because you just played an arena like it's a 200 seat club. You're heckling people, you're picking on people. Like he loved when I looked at a girl, remind me to pinch your tits after the show, and the place went fucking nuts. You know, I want to feel my balls banging against

your little pop socket over there. And he's going, who does that? It's an arena. And Bill was so funny because when he came up after he goes, well, it's nice to see Dice is mellowed in age, you know, so but that really did turn the switch on because, you know, a lot of people would call me like the Rocky of comedy

type of thing. So I get that in me. So now there's, you know, you know how you don't mention deals till there's a deal. Yeah type of thing sure so I get that in me so Now there's you know, you know how you don't mention deals till there's a deal Yeah, you know, so there is someone I'm talking to a guy you would call a rainmaker That that said, you know, if you want to do this, let's do it really he goes. It'll be bigger than life So you'll know on an arena tour? I might, I might. Right now, I'm happy. I can't wait to do the mothership tonight.

So fun. Because I love being on top of them, but I also, sometimes a comic, as you know, people you know, the fire burns out. And you watch him on stage and you go, he's just phoning it in. Yeah. See, I'm not that guy.

No. Like I even got dressed to come here. I wanna look a certain way for you. I'm on stage and you go, he's just phoning it in. See, I'm not that guy. Like, I even got dressed to come here. I wanna look a certain way for you. I didn't wanna come here just, you know, out of bed and layin' back with a pair of, yeah, I can't do it like that. You know, you're somebody I really like, or else, you know, I love that I'm on here.

I wish Bert was here with us, but I've done his podcast. But I think both of you were so great. I love that you got your, this is your new line. Yeah, this is our vodka. Yeah, man. Tell me about this. I want to know about it.

Poor Osos, man. We make it here in Texas. It's wheat based. I don't know if you're into some of the little nuances of vodka, but usually they're corn or wheat based. This is a higher caliber. It's a distill, proprietary distilled, and we're going all over the place, man.

We're just, every day we're in this state. You should, you know, this is, like they say, this is like your time. How does that feel? It feels, it is like, you know. When that feel it feel it is like you know? When did it start for you like coming up now for me? It is I was I think I'm lucky in that I didn't get on a rocket ship that just went to the fucking moon one Day it was a nice gradual build. I did a special in

2013 and it was supposed it wasn't considered a in 2013 and it wasn't considered a big thing, it wasn't the thing to get Netflix in. Netflix was like, oh, you got Netflix. Because Comedy Central turned you down, and Showtime turned you down. And I was like, all right, I guess I'll do Netflix. So it was like that, I was like, they're like, Netflix said yes.

So it came out in 2014 2014 and by the end of 2014 I was selling out clubs, which was a I never sold tickets before so I was like this is un fucking believable It's a great feeling. It's the best feeling and by early 2015 You know we could sell out the whole weekend ad shows and sell them out and we start to like later in 2015, start to do like rock clubs and small theaters. And then the next special came out in 2016 and it was like a gradual bump up.

So then it was like proper theaters for the next tour, you know, and then you did that for a while. And then, so it's been like that of like, every tour the venues got bigger. And on the last tour we were doing really big theaters and some arenas. And then this tour has been like arenas and amphitheaters and stuff.

So like, but it was a slow way of getting. And when you're in the arenas, how do you feel up there? I mean, it is kind of surreal. And then this weird thing happens where once you're doing them for like a few months, I mean, it's always a thing when you pull up and you're like, shit, this is where the fucking rockets play. This is crazy. You know, and you're like, you're in the tunnel and you see like the, the NBA media room and you're like, that's nuts. But there's this thing I think where,

there's still the same thing I think when you do, theaters, and arenas, when I always do the voice of God mic for whoever's opening, and whenever you go like, how's it going tonight, Cincinnati, the level of them going, ah, you look and you're like, this is gonna be a hot show. Or sometimes you go like, how's it going, and they're like, so so, and you're like, eh. See, I judge it by, you know, Eleanor Kerrigan,

who is my feature, I always judge it by, you know, Eleanor Kerrigan's, who is my feature. I always judge it by her set. Sure. You know, and I could tell if it's that, you know, that intensity or if they're, oh man. Yeah, you just kind of. Let's just get done. Yeah, exactly. And let's just get done.

I think the surprise is that it stays that way through every size venue. It doesn't, it's just sometimes you're, now the thing that I learned over years of doing standup is that when you feel like they're so-so, you don't tell them, don't tell them you're so-so. You leave some of those shows where you're like, yeah, their energy was fine.

And they think that was great. Well, see, the way I think, you know, everybody's got their own way. Sure. If they're not doing the right, see, they used to say when you start out in comedy, don't ever blame the crowd. Yeah, yeah.

That's, you do blame the crowd. Oh, I think, I think. And I always. Audience sucks sometimes. I never could get past that, you know, some crowds are amazing. Like, did they know each other? Right.

You know, and some crowds are okay. Like, how does that work? You know what I mean? I've, for sure. If they're not good. Yeah. There's not, it's just like going over to somebody in the street.

Yeah. You know, that's not even gonna know me. Yeah. And I get pleasure out of that, of them walking away going, I have no idea who you are, I don't know what you want. Yeah. I love that. Yeah, of course. So if they're not good, I go,

you know you're an awful crowd, right? You do that? You know you're terrible. I go, the crowd last night was unreal. I wanted to go home and hang out with them. I can't wait to get away from you people. I go, I know what I do is amazing. I go, I know how great I am.

I've always known that since I'm a kid. I go, you're terrible, you suck. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna start throwing some people out, you know. And I'll get security to make an example. I'll go, you see this guy? This big fat fuck in the front, you know, that's been looking down at a kitchen table

is how fucking, I want him out of here. He bothers me. And the guy's looking like it's a joke. And then you could see him looking around because now there's two security guards. And he's like, you're kidding, right? I go, no, you got to go. You got to go. You got to go right to a treadmill.

Come back in two years when you get off. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, when your schedule is packed with kids activities, work projects, big work projects, and so much more, it is so easy to let your priorities slip even when you know what makes you happy It's hard to make time for it But when you feel like you have no time for yourself non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever I've talked about this ad nauseum mom maybe too much. I Keep a happiness journal and write down the things that make me happy.

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your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with the code bears at bluenile.com. Bluenile.com. You know, cause I, you know, I'm very real up there. Yeah. And you know, things, you know, I'm very real up there. And you know, things, you know, I don't know how you process comedy or where you get it from,

but you know, like, you know, we all scroll the reels, you know, and lately, you know, you saw the girl, the hot, the hot, too-y girl, you know lately you know that you saw the girl the hot two-way girl sure you know and I'm looking at that going boy her dad must be so thrilled with her look what he brought up yes but now I haven't done that bit on stage but every time I see her I get angrier. You know, because I'm going, number one, nothing sexy. You know, if she was a sexy hot chick with big, big tits,

that would be different to me, you know what I mean? But when she's just this skinny little blind girl, I'm going, so that's it? That's your claim to, does she understand? Forever, forever. That's your claim to, does she understand? Forever, forever. Any guy that takes her out is waiting for her to just spit on his dick.

Yeah, forever. That's who she is. Yeah, yeah. And not that, I'm going, all right, so you did the little spit, what do you think I know about? Spit on my dick, honey? You know what I mean? Can you spit from above?

Can you stand above the bed and hit the tip of my fucking dick? That's what I mean? Can you spit from above? Can you stand above the bed and hit the tip of my fucking dick? That's what I'm thinking. And then, what about the drooling? And the choking that goes along with the experience? She didn't say any of that. Nothing. She did a little, uh, uh, uh.

I would throw her out of my house for that. I go, come back when you get experience. And that's what the world makes a deal out of today. But the father that brought her up, that had her on his knee her fifth birthday, and her sweet 16, his cute little girl, and she comes back from college, and all she learned or got was a degree in dick sucking, you know, and doesn't

want to work and the best she's ever going to do is getting on, what is that, OnlyFans? Yeah, yeah. You know, that's the job. That's the fucking- You know what I mean? So I get angry and then it becomes a bit, which I think right now it did. It just did for sure. You know what I mean?

But yeah, when I see that stuff, I just get angry at it. Well it's, you know, we're celebrating mediocrity at that point, right? This is just somebody just saying some bullshit. I mean, you know, charming in the moment, but the fact that like she got a platform because of that, pretty crazy. Well now, just as another one, and this I have thought about, I I'm not even gonna do it now because it is an actual bit Yeah, but it hasn't been done. I never You know, I know comics they go when they rehearse my you know

Like like to the cellar and all that and here, you know, you got the mothership and all the club I don't do that anymore. Yeah, I'll think of something and I'll wait to be on stage and if it bombs, then so be it. But then it kills and Eleanor after the show goes, you haven't been on stage in three months and you leveled the room with that bit. How do you do that? I just know myself.

So lately, and I won't go into it, but I will say on the other side, there's the actor Steve Gutenberg. Do you see him on the feed? Do I see Steve on the feed? So his whole thing is about how he's just grateful. He walks the street and he'll go, oh I just picked a lemon off a lemon tree

all by myself, you know, that he's able to do these things. And he's physically able and it's sunny out. And I was in an Uber in New York and the guy started doing it. Like the driver, I'm just going to the gym, I don't wanna be bothered, I don't wanna talk to you, I don't wanna know your name. And he goes, how are you today, sir? And I'm like, you know good You know, can you put on the music put on 70s? You know, I'm trying to like forget him, you know

And then he goes Well, I feel good. I was able to get out of bed today and put my pants on by myself I go yeah, that's what we do okay I don't want to talk you know but I'm angry at Gutenberg no no it's like yeah I get it you showered I watched my balls all by myself you know what I mean yeah but that's where I get it from I walk around and I get angry yeah and it's like this build up till I get on a stage somewhere to do an actual show and then I'll see what happens.

But when the drivers tell me, yeah, I'm so happy, I opened my eyes this morning and I'm thinking, I wish you didn't because if you didn't, I'd have another driver that would know to keep his fucking mouth shut. You know what I mean? I hate small talk with the driver. I don't like small talk.

I hate it so much. How are you today? What do you care? No, don't chat me up. Did you ever do Diaz's podcast in his Joey Diaz? Oh yeah, a lot. Did you ever partake in an edible? No, no, I can't believe what he's.

He's another world, right? He's another level. And so I go to his one time, and he's like, eat one of these, eat a star of death. And I go, I don't fuck it, I'm not eating a star of death. And he goes, eat one of the corners. So he cuts, I go, fuck that. So he cuts it in another piece.

Stop being a pussy. I'm like, all right. So I eat like the tiniest fucking thing. I do it and I feel fine for a while. And then as the podcast is ending, hour and a half or something later, I'm like, oh shit, I'm fucking, I'm high. You're toast. I'm toast. So I'm like, oh shit, I'm fucking, I'm high. You're toast.

I'm toast. So I'm like, all right man, and I get out of there, and I get in my car, and we're in the valley, and I'm supposed to, at the time we're living in Redondo Beach, and I'm like. Oh, and you gotta go, I know where that studio was. Yeah, and I'm like, oh fuck. So I'm going to the freeway, I pass the exit.

I'm like, fuck. So I turn around, and I'm going to the freeway. I passed the exit Fuck so I turn around and I'm listening to her take a left here. I passed it a second time So I'm like shit, so I call my wife. I'm like, here's what's going on. I don't know what to do I can't do this. She goes pull over somewhere and And just call an uber and leave car there. And I go, okay. So I pull into a Ralph's Onventura. Oh, okay. Bro, I'm out of my mind high at this point because I'm getting higher still.

And I'm like, oh shit. And I'm like, are these my hands? You know? And I look over, I look over like this and two spaces over, it's you. And then I'm like, ah! Because I was so fucking scared. I was like, am I hallucinating or is that Dice?

Yeah, it's the Ralph right near Starbucks on Vincero. Dude, and so I'm like, and then I call her back. I'm like, I think Dice is in the car over there and she's like hey man I don't know what you're saying right now, but get that uber like get that uber right now And and and I see you look at me a couple times and I'm like and then I get scared and I keep staring I feel bad. I'm freaking out and then I I call an uber Lady drives me the whole time. I'm in the car. I was so high that I was beyond paranoid at that point. So I just sat in the back of the Uber

and told the lady how amazing it was that she could drive. You know? He's just a different level. A whole other level. Like, I could remember, you know, when, you know, I'd smoke, you know, and I got the munchy, and I would drive,

and I would drive, and I would drive, and I can remember, you know, where, you know, I'd smoke, you know, and I got the munchies, and I would never have, like, edibles. Yeah. But at this place I went to, they gave me a bag of popcorn, okay? So I got the munchies, and I ate the bag, and I slept for 19 hours.

True story, because it was just too much. So I don't like to do the edible stuff. He's fucked me more than once. Yeah, no, I've seen him do like, if I did a gummy, it would be like a five milligram. I've seen him do 250 in one shot. He gave me a thousand one time. I said, how do you do that?

He's got the tolerance. But here's the thing, I thought that he has the tolerance and doesn't feel the panic that we all feel. No, he feels that panic and enjoys riding that way. So the thing that scares you, he's like, I kinda like feeling like that. If I do anything, it's like a, you know, the indica. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want no sativa. I have no tolerance for alcohol. Went out the other night with my girl. It's like, you know, I'm supposed to be diced as you know, yeah, you went out with me and go He took two sips of a rum and coke Look at him. Yes falling on the floor. I just don't have time I don't either actually, you know and not that she's a drink. We hardly ever drink but she can hold her liquor You know, I'm just not she would love the vodka, that's her thing, but I just never had tolerance for any of it.

It's just who I am. So everybody associates you, and right before we recorded, with smoking. You always did the movement, and everybody was like, yeah, the dice, cigarette stuff. And you still have it, but you quit, how did you quit? You quit in one day, you said?

In one day. I just, well, I quit more than once. Okay. The first time I quit, my kids were real young and I was also a very heavy blackjack player. So I do enjoy Dana. I love blackjack. Dana White. Yeah.

Watching the clips. Yeah. I mean, he really, you know, 300,000 a hand. I'm going, oh my God. Yeah, it's crazy. But I played heavy. You know, I could win or lose a half a million in a night. Didn't make a difference.

And that was even one night when I, I did ballies in Vegas for 13 years. I did all the big holidays like five times a year. So they were paying me millions. So it meant nothing to gamble, win or lose. And that was just Vegas, not the arenas. Vegas was like the relaxing gig, right? But yet I'd be at a table playing like a playing like an animal, you know

Let me ask you one thing about blackjack because we play blackjack every time we do a casino gig We always go play blackjack the whole crew that we go with there's a thing where there's there's just like nights where you're there and You're winning more hands, right's just nights where you're there and you're winning more hands, right? You're on a good streak. And subsequently, there's other nights where you're like, fucking, I can't win a hand. And ultimately, I think the logical thing is to go,

look man, it's gambling. You're gonna have good shoes and bad shoes. Do you see it that way? My thing about gambling is you gotta be willing to lose everything in front of you to win. Can't play scared. No. Can't play drunk and you can't play tired or angry.

And do you have a walk away time? No, but do you see what I'm saying? Sure. Those are the rules. No tired. So if you do lose, you can't say, well, it's because I've been arguing with my chick all day. You lose because you just lost.

And you've got to be willing to. Yeah, and there are days you get 20, the dealer gets 21. But I do, you know, and I haven't played in a long time either, but you know, I have such, I mean that was one night I was playing Bally's, my opening act at that time was Wheels Parisi, I don't know if you know.

Yeah, Wheels, yeah, I remember. Okay, so Wheels is actually on stage at Bally's. At Caesar's Palace, and my bodyguard, Club Soda Kenny, who works for Bill now, and I'm in the Dice Rules jacket that I wore at the Garden. That's how I'm playing.

And so he goes, I think it's time we go to the show. He's only got five minutes left, and they have a limo waiting. So he goes, I think it's time we go to the show. He's only got five minutes left and they have a limo waiting. And so now I'm on stage, because I was winning, I didn't even want to leave. And so I'm on stage with over $350,000 of chips, of winnings in my know, in my pocket. That I can't wait to get done with the show

and go back and get more, because it was one of those nights. But one time with Wheels, I get to Vegas, I'll just tell you this one story, and I sit right here where I am now. Wheels is where you are. I always sit at the end. I don't let anybody else play.

I have the whole table and and I'm and I got into Vegas and I lost I don't know 150,000 in a few minutes. That's how fast it goes. Yeah, and um So the next day we're all at the pool and they would like, you know, the red velvet ropes whatever whatever, and we were with all these people, you know, my girl, you know, I had a baby at the time, whatever, and I say to Wills, I go, you got any money on ya? And he goes, I got $20, you know, I go, that's enough, let's get out of here.

Jump in a cab, we got in the Mirage, and at the Mirage, I have a $75,000 line of credit. So they give me the 75 and I'm playing this guy, and it's a male pit boss. This is in the days when supposedly women hated dice type of thing. Okay. And so I'm at the table and I'm losing to this one dealer and I'm playing

five thousand a hand so it's not that many chips and but I said to the pit boss because they would hold the cards like this rather than pointed at you to cut him and I said would it be all right if the dealer faced the cards at me and the pit boss was cool and And he let it happen. I'm still losing. They switch dealer and pit boss. And it was this black man, his name was Archie, he was from Louisiana, I'll never forget this guy,

he was a nice guy, and a female pit boss. He shuffles,les whatever and puts the cards and I ask him to turn the cards and he goes we're not allowed and I said to the lady, I go would it be okay if Archie turned the cards towards me and she goes no. So I know she's a dice hater.

Yeah, yeah. I go well the other pit boss didn't have a problem and I'm trying to be nice. I'm not being dicey and being yeah, Andrew. Yeah, and she goes well, I do have a problem with it. I Go really? And I'm looking at her and I go Let me tell you something You'll be lucky if you still have a job when I'm done here and I go wheels get up lucky if you still have a job when I'm done here. And I go, wheels, get up.

Come sit here. And I go there. And I lean across. I made like a whole deal out of it. And I cut the cards from leaning across the table so I could cut it the way I want. Wheels, get up. Go back to your seat.

Now I look at the dealer and I go, OK, Archie. This is how it comes down. And I go, and don't stop the game for any reason, you don't need more chips. When I'm done taking those, I'm outta here. There were two rows of $5,000 chips and I'm down to six chips, 30 grand. And I said to Archie, I go,

you see those last two chips on the second row, that's your tip. How does that sound? Now I'm angry, you know, but my energy came up because of her attitude. Yeah. And we start playing, and Wills couldn't even believe what he was seeing, you know,

because I'm basically winning 95% of every all the hands. OK, so what happens is we're down to those chips and I'm not stacking them. I'm just piling them on. I don't even I don't even know how much is there. But I took the 75. I made a little stack here. So no way I'm losing anything. Yeah, yeah. And I got a big pile of chips.

I go, okay Archie, this is what we're gonna do. I go, I'm gonna want a blackjack, okay? This is how it's gonna go. I want the King of Hearts and the Ace of Spades in that order. As that sound. I go you could do that can't you. And I look at the pit was this lady who is now like she can

even believe it, you know. I go about tell you what honey now not even you know now honey yeah, you know which she hated. My name is not honey well to me, I don't know your name and I don't care, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I don't know your name and I don't care, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I don't know what you make a year. But I'll bet all this against whatever it is you make. Which, well, what is it?

30 gram, 40 gram, whatever it is. I'll bet all this. I pull those cards exactly the way I said it. How's that sound, honey? And she's like, we're not allowed to be, okay, all right, Archie, when you give me the king, you know, do me a favor, because I like to make a little sound effect. You know, that's just the way I am. So do it slow, like slow motion. You could do that, right Archie? It's your money.

So I go, all right, give me the king of Hearts. There's the King of Hearts. So I go, isn't that amazing wheels? Look, look what I just did. And I did it all by myself. All by myself. And now I look at the lady, I go, same deal. All this for your piddly pay you know ace ace of spades no I got that watching your jobs over here I go Archie just give me the ace of ace of spades right and there it is and wheels goes oh my fucking god what the fuck is that you know so I said Archie you know don't even worry keep it all keep whatever I won with the black jack I go wheels gather this up let's get out of here I want to go back to the

pool it was about four hundred and fifty five thousand dollars in winnings that's after I give them their 75 and he's shaking carrying it out and manila envelopes you know just hugging it you know so and then in the car you know in the limo going back I said you know what wheels just put your hand in and you know take whatever you think the 20 was worth and he just grabs it was a $10,000 pack I yeah, and it you know I go not bad for twenty dollars right Jesus Christ yet. Those are the kind of plays. I would have it was ridiculous, you know and

But I quit now were you were you because I've been at tables with like guys high roller guys Super aggressive for you like a very aggressive Not only with your bets, but on what you're taking, when you're going for stuff that is against the fucking sit, you know, the, the, the book you're just going for. Yeah. Yeah. Aggressive. Aggressive as shit. Yeah. And I could play one hand or I could play the whole table and you would do that to that what times I would pull all small cards break cards split cards Against the deal is break card Okay

And I would just look at it like a three and a two, you know All all across you know all hands and you're talking about ten thousand on each hand I go, you know what? I don't feel like thinking right now, so yeah, I think you're just gonna break, so I'm good. And you could see the dealer going, wait a minute, you don't wanna hit on a five? You know, I'm showing a three. Yeah.

You know, I'm good, you're gonna break. You know, it's all good. I don't wanna get greedy. You got a pair of aces, dice. Yeah, no, good, good for me, right? Look what I got. You know, just break and pay me. You know, and they would break.

You know, it was an amazing time, but there were also times, and any gambler that says they don't lose is just lying to your face. You know, there were times I could lose 700,000 in a night. You know, one time I was sitting with my father, this is another win, you know, and we're at Bally's and it's late at night and I'm losing but dicking around. And my father had like 35 grand left and he goes well what are you

doing how late do you want to stay up you know just beat him already you know all right you know and I just go and I'd say Bobby Lee comes with me I make him an opening act for what reason I don't know you know because I would have fun with him at the Comedy Store and I'd always bump him, which I always enjoyed doing, because he'd flip out and leave if I came in. It just always seemed to be him that was on deck, and you know, whoever the man is,

you want to go on? Yeah, but I'll fuck this. So because he was like that, I figured, eh, let him open for me. So I bring him to Bally's. Okay. And the first night we're there, he watches me lose quickly a quarter million dollars.

And you know how Bobby Lee likes to sit on a couch but not on it, on the top of it? And he's got his little hat and his head's in his hands, and I go, what is your problem? He goes, I don't have money for breakfast, you know, and you just lost all, I go, Bobby, it's the first night. It's the warmup. You know, he actually told this story recently,

and he told it wrong, you know, that I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth.

I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth.

I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna tell you the truth. I'm that 250 back in 10 minutes. You know, when you're playing huge figures, like I talk about Dana White, it comes and goes in a minute. It's monopoly money at that point.

It's not like, I'm gonna take, the tourist, the asshole, the asshole that got his two weeks off from his job that saved up $1,500, 1,500 scared fucking dollars, this fucking farmer that comes with his family and the kid in the fucking stroller. And the wife, you better not lose that money.

Leave me the fuck alone. I lost half of it already. You can't play like that. I used to take $200 when I played the Dunes for Mitzi, the comedy store. Okay? And the comics would come running back to her, because she got 15 shows, $1,500. That's what you got for the week. You know, and there were five comics on the show.

And she had the Dune showroom. I'd go out in between shows and win 15,000 with 200. You know, I just had a feel, a gut feel for cards. Yeah. You know, but it also comes a point, I don't wanna do this anymore. You know, that's what happened. So for 10 years, I didn't play, you know,

and I didn't smoke cigarettes. And then bottom line is we got hit with the recession You know and I needed money, you know, we all go through through shit with money, you know and I called it the summer of hangover and Eleanor was actually with me and I went to Vegas and I just beat every major hotel I actually had a house in Vegas at the time. I didn't even stay there and I just beat every major hotel. I actually had a house in Vegas at the time. I didn't even stay there.

Every hotel I had the biggest suite they had. You did this in like, 08? Yeah, no, no, more like nine. Was it nine or 10? And I was just, I went down. I had another wife at the time, or girl, who the fuck even knows already. The only one I care about is sitting up here,

the only one worth anything in my life is in that room. So there was no Coca Cola, it was the M Hotel. So I said, I'll be right up, I wanna go down and grab some Coke. And at the time I had like 35 grand in cash, whatever. And I come up less than 15 minutes. And did you get the Coke? I go, oh, yeah, I won $90,000.

And when did you win the $90,000? I go, the place was empty. I sat down and I won every hand. And go, the place was empty, I sat down, and I won every hand, and then when I lost a hand, I walked away. I go, now we have some money to play. And that wound up, that whole thing wound up a million, 150, in winnings.

But with gambling, it just goes around and around. But you gotta play with balls is what it sounds like. 100% of, you don't have balls, don't play. Because even if you have a winning day that could be that part where you start losing, you can't back up. It's gambling, that's why they call it gambling, it's taking a chance.

I know when I get on stage, I'm gonna win unless I hate the crowd and then I start throwing people out. You know? You know? They always say I've been with people. I mean I love comedy a lot more. I haven't gambled in years now or smoked. I just don't wanna.

You know? And just really enjoying comedy and I enjoy telling the audiences how I don't wanna hang with them. Like I'm watching Dane cook, you know on the reels would have and he's talking about how he'll spend a lot of time with the fans You know and I love my fans, but I I don't want to hang out with them Uh-huh. You know what? I mean? Yes, But I'll tell them that. That's the ethical move.

That's the more respected thing, is the guy who says the reality of it, as opposed to like, I love to hang out. A guy wrote to me on one of those posts with the picture, he wrote to me the other day, and he said, I'm coming to New York Christmas time. Basically, is there any way we could meet somewhere that we can make a little video

and I could take the picture? I'm such a fan. And I replied to him. I said, I don't wanna spend a half a second with you. You know, I don't wanna meet you. I don't second with you. You know, I don't want to meet you, I don't want to know you, you know. And he wrote like, yes sir, you know. And then I said, maybe that's a little too hardcore.

And I said, you know what, Christmas is like a beautiful time in New York. And I do love going to the tree lighting service and being in a corner with my girlfriend maybe, having a little hot chocolate. I go, I loved it so much last year that I took my girl to, I wrote this to him, to the Radio City Christmas show. And I go, but I'm only a few rows back to him, to the Radio City Christmas show.

And I go, but I'm only a few rows back and the Rockettes kicking their fucking feet, now I'm sitting there with a bone, right? So I start biting into a fucking neck and working over her finger furnace. And you just wanna bang into the pop socket, you know what I mean? These fucking Rockettes the pop socket, you know what I mean? These fucking Rockettes like what are you doing? I'm dripping fluid here, you know and my my Sugar plum I call her. She goes they're thinking it's me. I

Go, no, but I'm not really writing about you. Yeah, you know, it's made up. Yeah, But I love when she thinks it's her. I go, what, we got her to Christmas show? Did we see the Rockettes? You know, it's just funny, I like to be outrageous to the fans. So even- I love it, dude. Yeah, even on stage, I love telling them,

look, I'll give you everything I got. You know, but make no mistake, I don't wanna meet you. There's a reason there's no meet and greets. I have nothing to say. What are you gonna show me? An old picture of me? Sign this?

And then we take pictures like we're asshole buddies. I don't want you to touch me. I just wanna make you laugh your balls off and I want you out of my life forever. You know what I mean? You okay? I can't do a meet and greet either, man. I can't do it.

I'm just like you in that sense. I don't wanna meet. What did they do to you? You've done them. I've done them, yeah. So why'd you stop? I hated it. I hated every second of it.

Why? What'd they do to you? Fuckin' diarrhea breath guy. You know, I wanna tell you the story, and tell you a story of tell you story about either either another time that they had seen you or I've got a real funny story to tell you and I'm like fucking it. And so, you know, the funny story comes or yeah, just like, yeah, people, you know, too intimate like on you. I just, I don't enjoy it. Um, now the thing is I've said this for years. So what happens is in public people come up to me and they go,

I know you hate people. I don't hate people. And they're like, I can see you hating people. You know, I go, I can see it a little, a little bit. You know, when somebody asked me for a photo and I'm always like, yeah, sure, man, no problem, whatever. Like, you know, passing around, walking down the street or whatever, but an organized meet and greet just isn't for me.

I just, I experienced it to the point where I was like, I don't enjoy this, I don't wanna do it. So I just stopped doing it years ago. Yeah, see, I, with me, you know, because of my attitude on stage, they get handsy. They'll put me in headlocks or try to. And, you know, so I've had a lot of physical altercations because of that. Really?

Yeah. And I had a guy, oh man, Eleanor had to get in between. You know, Eleanor's tough, she'll fight. She loves to fight. I don't know if you know that about her. She's from South Philly, ten brothers and sisters. One time a guy flicked a cigarette at me at the 7-Eleven on Sunset, right through the, like a bum, like a street bum. Here's your fucking cigarette and he flicks it at me through the window So I got to get out I got a bad temper Eleanor I had the long Cadillac Brome big white brome. She comes flying across the hood like starski and Hutch I'm not even getting punches the guy in the chest

You know because she knows I can't have a lawsuit. Yeah, you know that way and but yeah, lots of fights well, I don't know a lawsuit that way. But yeah, lots of fights. I don't know what would get into. So you cut those off though, the meat and greet. You cut it off too. Yeah, well, you know, I remember, yeah, guy grabs me like hard on the, forget that one, this is the best. So it's a muscle guy.

And no matter what, I don't know if he's tough, but they're strong, no matter what. He's taller than me, but I mean a real muscle guy, like with the traps, you know, this is what he does, a bodybuilder, and his girlfriend. So we would sell T-shirts and then they'd take a picture and Eleanor would snap the picture and all of a sudden, now I know how,

all right, I feel a hand going up the crack of my ass. I'm not even kidding, it's the guy, and he goes like this. At first you don't realize what's happening, because am I feeling, now I know what girls talk about when they say they've been harassed or got touched them. You know, it's awful. It bothered me for a while, but I snap out

and I go after the guy, but Eleanor gets in between to make sure the fight doesn't happen. Because he could have had somebody filming it. You know, nobody's gonna see him do that with his hand up my ass. And it was like embarrassing also. It's like, you know, nobody's gonna see him do that with his hand up my ass. And it was like embarrassing also. It's like, you know, I'm Dice and you got your hand in the crack of my ass, not even your girlfriend, you.

Guys are worse than me, with me, than women. Across the board, I think. Yeah, it's like, and with pictures, I'll take a picture with it till you put your hands on me Yeah, I don't care if you just poke me don't don't put your hands on me for any reason because I react too quick Yeah, you know and and that's when I want to I decide who I take the pictures with Yeah, but the meet-and-greets awful like you say the breath You know, I got a story, let me tell you.

And then they tell you a story about yourself that never happened. Yeah, yeah. You know, I kicked a guy out of my dressing room in a club because he was insisting that I beat him up in the eighth grade. And I know who the guy is. Yeah.

And he was with his sister-in-law and his brother. And I said, I never laid a hand on you. Like he was trying to make like the dice attitude in the eighth grade, I'm punching him in the face. Number one, why would you tell that story? And I wound up going, you gotta leave the dressing room, or else you're gonna get hurt. And it just goes on, so no meet and greets.

I'm with you, dude, I hate them, I hate them. Another thing I just wanted to point out before we wrap up was that you are a fucking talented actor, dude. I just wanted to tell you, I've seen you in things and I wanted to know because you're a New York guy that you got to work with Woody. And that had to be a trip for you, right? I couldn't even believe I just got done with Westbury and I got, um, you know, my manager at the time, you know, text me,

Woody Allen wants to see me, you know, he's got this part, you know, maybe. And I was like, you know, stop playing with me. I got to get to the airport and get back to LA. Like I was done with my gig. I just walked it out. But I went, you know, and sort of casting agent, you know, she gives me the few pages. And I just wanna get out of there, you know what I mean?

Like my dream was never to do a Woody Allen movie. Nothing against him, but I'm not a Woody freak. Sure. You know, I mean, Like my dream was never to do a Woody Allen movie. Nothing against him, but I'm not a Woody freak. Sure. I mean, I love some of his movies, like Broadway Danny Rose is one of my favorites. But it's like I didn't, you know, I love acting. I didn't even want to do comedy. I wanted to be an actor.

Right. We'll talk about that next time maybe. But that's why I was having onstage as a comic, you know, to develop acting chops. Rather than go into acting school once a week, be on a stage every night and develop my own method of acting. And, um, so anyway, I look at the two pages and I look at her and I go, all right, let's go in, you know.

And she goes, it's Woody Allen. You don't want to take some time? I go, I got to catch a plane, you know. You know, the guy that digs me or he doesn't, you know. And I come in, and the funny thing with Woody is when you do the audition, he's not sitting in the chair. He'll stand, like, right here where this is, and watch me and you do the scene.

You know, like this, just like this. And I said, if you want, you know, I could do it a little different if you wanna give me a little direct. He goes, no, that was perfect. You know, and I leave, great meeting you. You know, I'm pleasant that way. I'm not on stage now, you know.

But I will say, when I got the text, I was at my Vegas house. There was, I was at my Vegas house. I was alone. There was nobody to even tell. Then I'm walking around the house like in a circle going, I got a Woody Allen movie. Like how did that happen?

Cause I saw you got the, it was from my man. So I knew what it was gonna say. And that was thrilling. I mean, to you know, Peter Sarsgaard and Cade Blanchett and... What about on set? What was he like to, like, when you were on set with, like... You know what? You don't really...

bother with him much, you know? And... You know, he'll tell you what he wants, but, you know, it was pretty... I knew the part, I understood the part, you know, he'll tell you what he wants, but, you know, it was pretty, I knew the part. I understood the part. You know, Sally Hawkins played my wife in that. And, you know, I also had my older son with me, who at that time was about, I don't know, 21 or 22.

And so I would tell him, because he knows me better than Woody. So I got him to stand near the monitor with Woody. And I go, you just tell me what I got to do. And so that was one scene. So the first scene, I go, the one little dicey moment is when I light the cigarette. I'll use a zippo. So he comes in, what he tells me, what he wants to tell me in between. Now here comes my son. He goes, all right, everything's perfect.

He goes, lift the lighter a little higher. They're not seeing the lighter. I'm going, OK, I got it. Because we want to get the flick of the lighter. You know, so I was down here, rattling up here. And then it comes over again, and it goes, perfect.

I don't even know why they're doing another take. You know? Yeah, so he sort of directed me through that movie. Like, I'd listened to Woody, but I know my son knows me better, and I was, you know,

my relationship in that movie was, you know, I'm with Sally and she divorces me, which I was already divorced from his mother. So he knows my emotions. Yeah, yeah. It was like that. So, yeah, I got to where, you know, Star is Born, Bradley Cooper, Gaga you know these are great films and Scorsese amazing I changed every word of every scene.

Did you really? And I would call him we just got along like you know the minute we met like yeah like we've been hanging out for 30 years. And he just loved where I went with the part and he goes, we're gonna go, oh, look at it, and I'll listen and then I'll tell you what I, I love it, I love it. Do it, that's the way we're doing it.

That's how you would get it. That's how it worked, wow. Yeah, he was a, that's why he's Scorsese. Because he'll let an actor really dig deep into a character and I only did a few scenes in vinyl but they were intense scenes yeah you know and when I handed when when I gave Bobby kind of al Woody Allen told me give Bobby the new lines from handwritten you know know, with a Sharpie full of capital letters. And Bobby's looking at me and Scorsese thinking it's a joke and he's going,

so I'm going to ignore Terrence Winter and just do what Dice wrote. And Scorsese's like, Bobby, go have your lunch, learn the lines and that's how we're doing it. Wow. And he's looking. Like Bobby would come over to me the greatest guy By the way, Bobby Connival. Yeah, one of the great actors amazing and he goes

You and Marty like tight before this shoot and I go no Because why you at his house? I've never been to his house. I Don't know what to tell you. That's amazing. Because I feel the two of you were goofing on me. But all these, you know, the stuff I wanted to do when I was a kid, you know, I really didn't get to do because I went through cancel culture before it had a name. I was the only one.

Really? You really are. And so I did get blackballed in the film industry for years till around 2010. And then I got to live every dream. I stuck to my guns, got to work with the greatest actors, actresses, directors, producers, you know, and building the stand-up again, which I just love doing. Well, it's fucking treat to have you here, man.

And the idea that you might be announcing this tour, I think everybody's stoked. I definitely will be at your show, man. I'll definitely be there. And I wish you, you're killing it. Just keep killing it. Thank you. Same to Burt. I love you guys.

You guys are inspirational to me. That's what you gotta know. That's awesome. It's seeing guys like you out there. Because years ago, if you didn't hit when you were in your 20s, you ain't hitting. Yeah. You know what I mean?

So today, you're only 45 now, but there are guys that don't take off till they're 50 year old. Yeah, for sure. And comedy's never been harder. Never. So when I do see these shows, and I'm going, you know what,

now that I've proven I could get in front of those crowds, and you were there to witness it, why not? I think you should, not? You know, you know, you know, just just got to stay in the gym. I'm telling you. Yeah. I mean, just keep working out. It'd be great. I would love to see you back on those stages. I think it'd be awesome. We'll see. We'll see. Well, thanks a lot, man. Thank you for coming. Great. Feel better, Bert. We'll see you better Bart One goes to the other wears the shirt Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call two bears one cave