2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - I Almost Died | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 199

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

It's another week of 2 Bears 1 Cave with the OG bears Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer! They bears start off with sharing how they recently dealt with conflict resolution between them, spray tans, the worst picture of Bert yet, and the Just For Laughs Comedian of the Year award. The bears see if you can cure stinky body parts, they discuss surfing, and Tom shares a story of how he almost drowned. They wrap up the episode with reviewing videos of Great White Sharks, Orcas and Polar Bears attacking people.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

This week on Two Bears One Cave. I cried so aggressively. You did? It's not cool. My tits look perfect. I trimmed up my chest hairs, and I get turned on myself. And it is named out, but he goes, Hey, everyone will know who that is, bro.

And no, they won't. 100%. Welcome to the hardest hitting news show on the internet. We're going to go over some real hard hitting stories today. Some things going on in the Middle East. New laws changing in China. Of course, the situation in the Ukraine continues to develop with me as always. My name is Joe List. Okay, hi Joe.

What's up Mark, how you doing? This guy, hey good comedy. What's up there, Jew face? We want to start this episode by saying very clearly, me and Joe List are fucking friends, okay? I want, I just, I, I've, I've taught a Joe a couple times. I want everyone to know, Joe and I are friends. That's what friends do.

Friends can be rate people irrationally. Yep. And, and get drunk and say, while crazy shit, Tom and I are friends. Yep. Tom and I had a conversation today that was uncomfortable, but needed, and we learned.

We learned. We learned. We learned. I'll tell you what I learned. What? I am really bad at replying to people. I'm really bad, but no, but I'll be very real right now. This is uncomfortably real.

We had an issue, those bothering both of us. And what happens is we weren't talking about it. And we were texting and going back and forth. And then if we did call it was at a bad time, like I was on an airplane or he was in his Porsche, you know, whatever. And I said to him, I said, let's come in 30 minutes early and have a conversation. We walked in, and it was uncomfortable. It was really uncomfortable. And by the way, we've done that twice recently. And I'm telling you when I say, I feel so much better about our friendship because of those.

And if you don't do those, then you get fucking stuck in a hole of your own imaginary thoughts on what? Can I tell you something? I didn't do those for 42 years. For real? Yeah, I really didn't. I, I, I, everything, like,

I'm so happy to have conversation, honestly, to have conversations like that. Yeah. And you do have this thing where I, it's so funny to relate it to this for me, but it makes sense, it'll make sense to you. I think conversations like that are like cold plunging in that they're, they're worse in your head.

Yeah. Then they are in, like, when you do them, you feel so much better. But in your head, you're like, man, I don't wanna fucking do this. Like you always like, people avoid conversations like that. I don't believe that anybody is instinctively good at that in life. I believe it's a matter of practice.

I believe it's a matter of either you were doing it when you were young, because you were led well to do it, or you avoid them, in which case, it's so much harder because you avoid them, and you're getting the practice of avoiding them. And if you're getting the practice of avoiding those conversations,

it's really hard to switch things, but I've been practicing them doing them more and more for the last couple years. And I think all my relationships are better because of it. Yeah, I sat last night and I said, uh, I said, I don't want to speak out of emotion because emotion is the thing. So the facts are the thing that fuck with your emotion. And all of a sudden your emotion gets out of control and it starts changing the facts

on you. It starts me like, you were saying it to me. I'll share that. I'll share it. and then if you don't want to put it and he goes, you go, I, when you don't return my calls, I start create, what did you say? I start creating narratives, I create stories in my head. You're not the first person that I've done this to. I think when you don't see a person, in other words, you're not talking them regularly,

you know them, but you're not communicating, you have something you wanna talk about. You don't talk about it. You avoid it or it just doesn't happen. You're not even on the phone talking. Your brain, everyone's brain, creates a story of what is happening. And the more that length of time goes

where you don't communicate, the stories just grow like your brains just do this. And they form stories. And usually what it leads to is you getting more emotional. You're creating like your own internal drama about it. And then I told you every time I see you, especially if we need to talk and we talk, I always feel so much better and I remind myself that I like you. Yeah. So you don't wanna throw my head through a wall. Yeah. I didn't say that. But I'm quote, throw my head through.

I did not say that. Or a dresser. What did you say? I would say. Oh, you said it about Christina. You wanna throw, when you first, you loved her so much, you wanted to throw her head through a dresser.

That is something I said about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. But those, those. I said that I also go to very violent places and thoughts in my head um I do not know how you have a career. What do you mean? like the idea you're like when you think those things those violent thoughts yeah I just go where okay where's the fun Tom at like like how do you write a joke? Like I want to fucking cut her eyeballs out. I mean, I feel good.

I'm kind of, I, I, I, I haven't seen my new stuff. I, uh, no, I, you're really good at having those conversations. I am not, I avoid, I don't like confrontation. I, I, I, I, I wanna say this. I don't enjoy confrontation either. What I do, what I do think the difference is for me now is, is just seeing the necessity to have those kinds of,

you know, to end to go like, if you're bothered by something, if something's making you uncomfortable, like I said, dude, I didn't do this for my whole life, but what I realized is that you get, like when I called you, like a week ago or whatever, I was like, I just got to talk to you. I like knowing what people will make people uncomfortable,

because I don't realize I'm a bull in a china shop And so Leigh Ann says I cast a large wake and so I've lost Friendships because I don't know what I'm saying. I say wild shit. I fucking I I I don't see other people. I don't I just start I just don't just crazy Description of oneself. Yeah, I'm just like, I'm like, huh? I know. I didn't know you were getting upset by this.

And then all of a sudden, by the time that happens, and I'm talking, I can talk specifically about a couple people, by the time that happens, they're so fucking angry at me that they'll never forgive me. And I don't even know that I've done something wrong. And I'm like, fuck. And then even when I try to fix it I make it way fucking worse. And so I'm and then and then God forbid I get a motion about it. If I get a motion about it, it's because my feelings got hurt and if my feelings got

hurt, I turn into a fucking pussy stamping cunt and I'm and I and I and then I'm not proud of. I don't like the way I behave in those things. And so I like that you, I like that we said, let's come in 30 minutes early and talk. Yeah. And then I and I just was like, and trust me, I burned it to the ground. I was like nine times.

I was like, I guess Tom doesn't want me in two bears anymore. I guess Tom was to do two bears with some Daniel Ricardo. Ha, ha, ha, ha, hold Danny Riccardi coming out to Austin to live with his best role. Maybe Brad Pitt and I want to do two bears. Maybe I was like that's what he's doing. He's trying to sniff me out so him and Brad Pitt can do two bears. I haven't talked to Brad in weeks. Hold on, Bradley Cooper's calling.

But no, but that's so important. So I just want to say to everyone, Joe listen, I've talked many times. many times since we're going to do a podcast and we will hash out my behavior, my behavior, as represented by Ari Schaffer in that past episode, I suggest you go and watch it. It's pretty fucking funny. It's pretty funny. It's also funny, even a second time to I saw a part of it with you and you were like, no, no, they didn't happen. They're like, yeah. I didn't happen.

I thought, okay, I'll tell you what didn't happen. I didn't eat pizza. Okay, that's one of the things that bothered me. Because we had sushi while we went there, okay? So there's a lot of this story they don't know that would fill in the blanks. There's a person, I got blackout drunk and ate awesome sushi and then got typhoon from everywhere else because we felt like we were taking too long. But look, what I do is I fire hose people with me.

Yeah, that's a really good way to describe yourself. Dude, I fire hose the internet. Oh, I feel like I should stop talking. Yeah. I feel like I need a month. I can't even, I'm losing my voice. I just, like, I talk too much. I talk way too fucking much.

No way. I know. I wish I was. I can't even lose it. My voice suggests I talk too much. I talk way too fucking much. No way. I know. I wish I was like you and had nothing to say. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Don't Google it, people. Don't Google it. No, but Joe List is, Joe List and I are cool. We should call him, we don't need to call him, but don't, but everyone's supporting me. He's got, he's got an hour on YouTube that's fucking awesome. He's a brilliant comic and he's a sweetest guy.

The only hookups me and Joe have is we don't like similar foods and I drink and he's sober and my baseball swings way better than his. I plant my back foot, he does not, he doesn't want to hear my advice but if you look at my swing versus it's swing and you can pull them up. I mean we don't need to do that. Okay, Bog said I have one of the most beautiful swings he's ever seen. That man does baseball. He sure does. Yeah, I hit a home run. I hit a home run at my fucking high school at 50 years old. You imagine that? That's pretty nice. I just went out and found a bunch of children, hit a dinger,

went yard. Yeah. But that's the thing about like, even like now, I'm busting balls with Joe List, and people may take that as like a serious thing. Yeah. It's just you have the same. It's just us fucking around.

It's what comics do. Mark Norman's a cunt. Now that guy, Yeah. Well, you don't even know. You'll find out though. Okay. Cool. Is your tan real? Thanks for noticing, Tom. No. I spray-tanned. And I will tell you that it is now a part of my, it is part of my regimen. Jim, have you ever spray, tend? No. Let me pitch it to you.

Okay. Everyone looks great when they come back off of vacation, right? Yeah, everyone's like, where are you? I have a little color still. Yeah, you look great. You come back and everyone's like, whoa, you look, you look rested. Yeah.

And the problem with that is skin cancer. And you gotta spend, no one wants to spend time just laying in the sun cooking. I'd rather get shit done, right? So we're getting ready to go to JFL. Leanne's gotta wear a strapless bra. I'd have to go to accept a comedian in the year. It's not a video.

Sorry, sorry. I accept a comedian in the year. So that's a word they give to the a comedian in the year. It's not a big deal. Sorry, sorry. I accepted a comedian in the year. So a mental ward they give to the best comedian of the year. And I had a pretty great year. So it's not a big deal. It's like, they only give one out. And it's like Kevin Hart wanted, Donald A. N. E. Mark Chrysler.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're a comedian of the, you're congratulations on that. Thank you very much. My speech was more than embarrassing. Why? Everyone else, because they give a bunch of awards, and everyone accepts the awards, and everyone fucking murdered.

Like they go up with a sad list, and just destroying rose people in the room, and fucking kill Ronnie Chang, just fucking destroyed, and May Martin killed, and then I went up, and I started the talk, and I started crying talk and I started crying And I couldn't control it and I heard a girl in the back. Oh, oh no And I cried so aggressively you did you can find video of it. It's not cool We have to get that I I was like, oh, please look for it. You got to look for it.

You're about to get the best, all the people that make memes, that I love our meme makers. I want to give you a gift. I want to give you a gift. Nadav, you'll see the picture when you find it. Type in Bert Kreischer first pitch. You'll see the picture when you find it. Type in Bert Kreischer first pitch. Tom, I have this printed in my man cave.

It is the worst picture that's ever been taken. Just images, images, good images, good images. Far left, far left, far left. Look at my fucking stomach. Look at my ninja turtle stomach. And saying, it goes viral? It went viral and you missed it and I was so grateful. I was so fucking grateful.

When did this, who fucking knows? You don't know when that went viral. I was doing the, wait, it's on MSN and saying that this photo went viral. Everything about it went viral. Wait, hit it. What are we doing? No, just no, let's on MSN that's saying that this photo went viral? The whole everything about it went viral. Wait, hit it. What are we doing? No, just no, let's go back to the other story.

Insane shirtless first pitch goes viral. Okay, let's- It's my stomach. Oh, good enough. It says my fucking stomach looks absolutely fucking disgusting. That's so crazy. Sarri's match up between Cleveland, Seattle featured one of the most

unique and strange first pitches in recent memory. Committee of Red Crouch has to throw out the first pitch. He did so. Early season games can be quite cold, Sunday's game was no exception. Temperatures around the mid-40s. The students stopped Croucher from shockingly taking his shirt off to throw out the first pitch. Which is one of the bits typically does during his comedy shows. The video of the pitch emerged on social media, which captures the crowd going wild. Once Khrasher took off, the Guardians jersey to throw the pitch. The pitch itself was pretty awful.

Hitting the dirt well ahead of reaching the catch behind the plate, regardless Khrasher's really made an impression on the MLB world. Many offered their opinion on Khrasher's moment on social media. Unfortunately, this moment, blah, blah, blah. Is there any more about that? Because you can see the video, it's just, it's horrible, but that picture,

that picture is the worst of it. That picture of my body's fat catching up to my body, it is so bad. Your stomach does look crazy right there. I mean, it doesn't look real. It doesn't. It doesn't look real. It doesn't. It doesn't look real. And you look so happy.

I don't know there's sharks underneath me. I'm the one guy going in the ocean, great. Yeah. It's the most embarrassing. I saw my, my Georgia saw it. And was like, oh no, I saw it. She goes, oh buddy. I go, what?

She goes, you're not going to like the way you look. She goes, I just thought she goes, oh buddy. I go, what? She goes, you're not gonna like the way you look. She goes, baby walrus is happy, but baby walrus is all over the place. And it's fucking the most embarrassing. How long ago was this? I don't know, who knows. I mean, a year? No, no, no, no, no, fucking recent.

Oh, okay. It was in April. Okay, okay. It was before, it was after I did my special. So April, May. So, this is why I'm pitching spray tans, okay? Okay. So, so you're going to, all you said was you're going to do this

and that Leanne was like, I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt or something, right? Yeah, and if anyone can find the crying video of me or something that fucking award. Yeah, find that. JFL, Berkreicher, Committee of the Year acceptance. I go up, I will have a Neil Brennan gave me the award and he was very funny, but at the end he was very touching.

He said things that I made me feel really good about myself and which isn't that hard. And so I started crying. I told me Martin, I go, I bet I cry. I'm going through a thing. And she was like, you'll be fine, you'll be fine. And so I started crying when he gave the speech. And as I'm crying, giving the speech,

I get up on stage, and I grabbed the award and it was heavy, it was like a real award. And then I realized, I thought about, and I didn't, I don like a real award. And then I realized I thought about, and I didn't, I don't know if I said that, I didn't say this. By thought about all the times in Montreal that I was absolutely nobody. And then the times I thought I was somebody,

but found out I was nobody. Like, and one of them is, I shared it with someone afterwards. Do you remember the Montreal where you, something was going on with you and you had like crazy heat and you changed agents at Montreal? Yeah.

And you were the buzz, the talk. And I was your friend and I was listening to your thoughts knowing that it was happening for you, hyper aware it wasn't happening for me, but celebrating you. So one good thing that we've had as a friendship is we've been able to celebrate each other's successes without them reflecting on us.

But you still leave Montreal going, I gotta do something with me. I gotta do something. I gotta make something happen, man. I'm fucking 45, 44 at the time, and nothing's happening for me. I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm not doing standup, I'm not doing specials.

And then to go and get to a place where you accept, you go to Montreal and you're the bell of the ball and everyone's just saying congratulations on everything and you're, and every young comic knows you are, all the old comics know who you are, and it was just like all that built into me, sobbing, crying, not making any fucking sense.

Oh my God. Not making this like this, Tom. It means me, it means me. It was so fucking bad. And did you see the, you know, the roast is done every year at JFL? No, what did this, why? You didn't know that? No.

You don't know that they do that every year? The state of the industry were like, and you didn't see it? Or hear about it? I don't even hear any of it. This year it was, Jessica Kurshani. Jessica Kurshani, yeah. What did she say? She did jokes about, well, she does jokes about everything,

but she had a bit about you. Great. No, it's, it's, look, if you're doing, it was a good, it was a good, it was a good, it was a good, it was a good, it was a good, it was a good, it was a good, it was a good, She did jokes about, well, she does jokes about everything, but she had a bit about you.

Great. No, it's, it's, look, if you're doing, she was a good, if you're doing well, then that's when you get, yeah, that's when you get lit up. I mean, she has a bunch, you know, I mean, the whole thing, for people that don't know, it's like the state of the industry where a comedian goes and basically shits on and makes jokes about everything that's big in comedy.

Whatever's eating comedy. Yeah. Oh, Matt Rife must have got destroyed. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is what you want. You definitely want to be the person they're talking about on that because that means you're doing something good.

But at the same time, you can be that person and some of them are accurate. Some of them are like, I remember watching ones when like, like, you're like, yeah. Oh, fucking, I like Jessica a lot. So this is one of the things, I mean, these also live online so you can watch the whole thing. Aw, cool.

Yeah. I was never on Birds Fully Loaded tour, but I have been on cocaine in a Walmart buying beach shares so I get it. Also, Bird takes off his shirt to cover his phone to not see all his missed calls from his family. You got it. That's fucking great.

Who sent those to you? Everybody from up there. Oh, for real? No one told, I was on the room below her. Yeah We went to one of the best fucking restaurants Joe Beef's in Montreal. Oh, yeah, yeah, man All right back to back to spray tents Okay, spray tents Spray tents spray tents. So Leanne's gonna wear a strapless dress to go there.

Leanne looked fucking, hang on. Leanne looked fucking hot. Go to Leanne's, go to my Instagram. You'll see a picture of me and Leanne at Montreal. I'm sure. Our Leanne's will definitely have it, but. And so Leanne gets spray tan and immediately, she turns into a different, there, look at,

look at how fucking good Leanne looks, Tom with the spray tan. Yeah, she looks great. And wait, can you zoom in on her tits? Look, she wore this fucking, look at me, I look like a fucking, look at him trying to buy a young lady, and a fucking yacht.

So, Leanne looked fucking amazing. Immediately we have sex the next night because you gotta sleep with like clothes on and everything really once you get spray tan. And it was like fucking a brand new person. It's like getting to fuck someone you haven't fucked. I was like, I'm banging a Puerto Rican. This is amazing.

Yeah, but she talks with a red neck accent, which is odd. But that dress on Le end looks so fucking hot. She had a little center where you could see her cleavage and her tits. Oh my God. But so I get spray-tanned. Go to my Instagram and I'll show you my spray-tanned. How good it looks. And immediately what it does, Tom, is it hides all your little flaws that you see immediately

when you take your shirt off. It hides all your little flaws. Scroll down. scroll down. That's my spray tan. Yeah. That's me spray tan. Click that. How good do I fucking look spray tan?

I'm dark as fucking shit. That's nice. And with that outfit, all of a sudden all the golds pop on you. Like, look at, yeah, that's for the top-soft world tour. You can get tickets for right now at purportpert.com. And so, and so you go in, I do, I don't know if my tan's still there because it only lasts like a couple of weeks. Yeah.

See if you can see my tan line. Now you have it, yeah. Still very much. This is the aggressive one. Look at that. Really nice. And so, thank you. But you go in with Le Leandh it at naked.

You did fully naked? Full naked girl comes in and just spray tans you and then touches you up and then. What did you wear? I wore a thong. I wore a thong and then you put all the way up. Do you pick your shade? How dark you wanna go?

Yeah. Yeah. Did you were you tempted to go pretty dark? I said pull me over for no reason at all. That's That's how dark I want. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, she's like, because Leanne goes, I don't want to go too dark. I go, I want to go dark. Oh, I'm going darker next time. I'm gonna go as dark as I can and then work it backwards from there. I'm doing it again when I get home. I spray tans are awesome. So then you get spray tans. You put on all these clothes. You go to bed. You wake up the next morning. You take a shower and you rinse it off, and then you get a shower, and I looked fucking awesome. Your arms look bigger, more defined.

That's why bodybuilders use it. Yeah, like, yeah. My shoulders were popping, like my traps would pop. My tits look perfect, I trimmed up my, my chest hairs to make me more defined. Yeah, you've done that to me too. It's awesome. And then you get naked naked and I was like,

I would see my tan lines and I get turned on by myself and dude, getting Leanne naked, all of a sudden, her whole body is tan. Her whole fucking body. Should we have a spot hole too? No, no, no. But it was crazy because little things I'd never do much, like I started doing like one,

we're having sex one time, we're having sex like crazy I started doing like one, we're having sex one time, we're having sex like crazy, I told you that, we're having sex. We ended this thing where she decided to start dating me again. And it has been often twice a day. How do you mean she's dating you again? She started dating me.

She started, like she said, at one point, she said, you know, now that the girls can both drive, I can start drinking. I was like, we're, we're not supposed to be drinking. She's like, well, you know, something happened to him. They couldn't drive. We need to take him to the hospital. I was like, oh, is that how that worked?

Yeah. And so, but she started having cocktails. And she got a spray tan. And like, and like, we're having sex spray tan. And then I'm like, oh, I wanna do it from doggy style. See your ass tan. I've always seen this white ass, it's never seen the sun. Yeah.

I wanna see it tan. And it's seamless tan all the way up to her neck. I'm like, oh my God, it is the sexiest. It's like getting to have sex with a new person. A Dominican person. Yeah. And then also the tan goes away and you get the same old chick.

And then I'm getting tan again. And then it's like, I'll never do it again. I go I'm doing it every fucking shit. I'm gonna do it again She only did it for this event And you know what it did what does kind of crazy is it pulls out it highlights all your skin damage All your sun damage the the spray tenders it does so like if you have Sun spots or some spots. Yeah, it really makes him brown as fuck And so it did that on Leanne's feet. She didn't like her feet or her stomach right here.

She got burned as a kid and it kind of bothered her. But you were like, this is fucking looked so fucking hot. It looked so hot and I looked fucking beautiful. Yeah, yeah, no, I hear it. I mean, I'm telling you right now, we should definitely get spray tan together. They do your whole fucking head. You wanna do hair laser removal?

From where? Like, assholes and back. I would do it. I would do it. I don't need to hair my asshole. Hair my asshole and- Don't you wanna have it lasered off? I would, I'd laser, I don't know if that would hurt so bad.

No, it doesn't hurt that bad. I would get, I don't wanna know my taint or my asshole. Yeah, let's get it lasered off. I don't want it, my underarms either. You can get that lasered so bad. No, it doesn't hurt that bad. I would get, I don't want it on my taint or my asshole. Yeah, it's gonna laser it off. I don't want it on my underarms either. You can get that laser it off too. I think I've broken my underarm hair and they smell forever now. I, you know that's a thing.

What is a thing? Underarm hair can get a fungus on it. When you smell like bad, you can't get rid of it. That hair smells bad forever. Really? Yeah, and you guys shave it off. can't get rid of it. The hair smells bad forever. Really? Yeah, and you guys shave it off. I've never heard of this. Google it.

Fuck it. Okay. Okay. Smell bad for... Look at that search. Me, bacteria. Look at his search. Fuck it.

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Smell bad forever. Ever. I mean, so it gets onto your armpit smell. Why do armpit smell permanently smell?

No, it's the hair, it's the hair. Hit the first drop down. Sounds like, brum, head, door, drosis, we're back to you and sweat glands are responsible for causing the bad odor. There are two types of brom, head,

drosis, apocrine, what Jesus Christ found. Mostly the underarms, breast and groin, or another one found alive in the entire body. Okay, why do my pits always smell? There we go, a bacteria infection, all of underarm hair follicle. Wow, so that's a real thing. Yeah, John Mans told me about it.

You can get a funk on your hair and the hair gets thick almost. It's a no matter even if you put the other one on. It's just the hair, the smell's there. It's waiting to show up. Wow. So you gotta shave the hair off and get brand new fucking hair. If you've ever had it where you've looked at your hair. Get brand new hair.

You've ever seen the hair right here, right? Like on the side of your balls. And it's got like a, it looks almost like it's got, it's thicker than normal. Okay. And it's a little more fragile. It's a little more, different texture to it. Different texture to it.

That's the hair that smells. That's why your balls smell all the time. So you gotta shave them to get that smell off. Or steam them. You can steam your pussy. Type in steaming pussy. Type in steaming pussy. I think a different image is gonna come up. I hope so can steam your pussy. Type in steaming pussy. Type in steaming pussy. I think a different image is gonna come up.

I hope so. Steaming pussy. Steaming pussy. Vaginal steaming, there we go. What can I use to steam a vagina? Dude, chicks put a boiling water and then they steam their vagina. Yeah.

It burns off that, like a bad pussy smell. Here's what you do is like, if you have a sticky ol' pussy, you get a bowl of boiling hot water and you just sit in it. Oh my God. And then it'll cure that way. Princess Anne did that. What? Princess Anne, type in Princess Anne steaming pussy burn.

Ha ha ha. Princess Anne, type in Princess Anne, steaming pussy burn. Ha ha ha. Princess Anne, huh? Yeah, isn't that the one that was Margaret's sister? I don't know. Burned. Who? Nah, maybe it was Prince, I don't know what her name was, Princess.

Vaget, oh, there's, so there's burn, whoo. Oh look at that, Gynek College are saying that vaginal seeming is nonsense. Oh, real? Yeah. What if Paltrow told me about it? Personally? No, I think she's hot. What if Paltrow?

She could use a spray tan. She's very fair-skinned. Is Christina fair-skinned or a tan? No, she's fair, but she can get a tan. You know what I mean? I have to go in the sun, I'm doing it every day with SPF 50 on, and then I do that every day for like 10 days, I start to get like color,

like where it looks like a 10. If I don't do that, I just turn red, I just burn. Really? Yeah. Wait, that's crazy, because you got... I got a lot of Irish DNA though. Really? Yeah. So when you were a crazy. Because you're not... I got a lot of iris, DNA though. Really? Yeah. So when you were at the beach, you just put on... It's like 50 or 70, yeah. Every day.

Every day, yeah. Fuck, what about your kids? They burnt tan? They get... Julian is just like me, has fair skin than Ellis. So, yeah, lather him up for sure. If I had... If I had... I have little girls, but if I had, I have little girls. I would get them spray tan instead of having them go out in the sun. Yeah, yeah. No, we put on the SPF like religious. I'm so, I've been horribly burned and I know how fair I am, so I always try to go real crazy.

I don't get burned. I mean, I'll get burned and it'll show up, but I don't burn, like I get pretty dark, but I know I'm gonna get skin cancer, because I just stayed in the sun in Florida all year with no sunscreen in a speedo. I have horrific sunburn memories. Oh my God. I remember, my lip burns bad.

Do you remember, do you ever send you the picture of when I sunburped my lip in Hawaii with Georgia? Yeah, I do actually remember that. And it was swollen like this, dish, and I couldn't... So if you're gonna go out Hawaii, if you don't put SPF on it all, nothing. I'll put sunscreen, head, on your head. No, we're a hat, I wear it as just we're a hat.

But your face? I'll put, yeah, later. Like, I'll put sunscreen on if I'm going out and out. On the wild. What I usually do is go out for like an hour and then I'll go, I need sunscreen. By the way, have you seen the footage of Rick Rubin's surfing?

No. With Rubin's into a hundred pushups in a row. Rick Rubin can? Yeah. I saw a thing of him surfing and I was like, yo. Matt McCuscries a new hour. Keep going.

He does. Yeah, he does, speed of light. It's on YouTube. That's pretty good. That one. Hit that first one. He's doing like some funny stuff, but check him out. Check him out, hold on.

Look at him. He's goofing around, right? Yeah. But he's like, I don't know. I just was surprised to see Rick, he's tearing it up. He's doing standing on one leg, doing funs. Like, that's not your first time, right?

He's switching positions on there. I mean, it's not your first time, right? Like he's, he's switching positions on there. I mean, it's not that he looks like a pro, but I'm just like impressed. Asking him. Rob Machado hit me up about going surfing at a wave pool. I think in Texas. There's one in Lake Go. Yeah.

He was like, yeah, you wanna go surfing and you texted the right fucking guy. Yeah. He's like, let me know when you're gonna go. You know Rob Machado is? Oh, Google Rob Machado. So I may be getting this incorrect. Rob Machado is a part of, there's like, let me know when you're gonna go. You know Robin Chotto is? Oh, Google Robin Chotto. So I may be getting this incorrect. Robin Chotto is a part of,

there's a whole group that all showed up and Hawaii at the same time. I wanna go to that wake-up place. Okay, let's make it. Robin Chotto hits me and Tom, we're going. So I'm gonna, and I apologize, Rob, if I fuck this up. So there's a whole group, Kelly Slater's age,

that all showed up in Hawaii at the same time. I think the Irons brothers were a part of them, but like 25 years ago kind of thing or what? Yeah, yeah. Type in Kelly Slater's friends or Posse gang, something like that. But they all took different paths. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.

The Pipeline Posse project for, it's funny. They all have a class keep going and so There's a documentary on it There we go Just keep going scroll scroll scroll Never mind so there's a bunch of them and so raw Machado was the first person to become what there go and scroll, scroll, scroll. Oh, never mind.

So there's a bunch of them. And so Rob Machado was the first person to become what, there he goes, momentum generation. It's the momentum generation. So Kalani, Rob. These guys are all buddies. They're all buddies. And Rob Machado is the one right in the center. And so they all kind of took different directions.

With the hair. Yeah, yeah. Gorgeous. Fucking hair. And these are all bad ass surfers. Yeah, and they're all like, they all kind of took different careers. With the hair. Yeah, yeah. Gorgeous. Fucking hair. And these are all badass surfers. They're all, yeah, and they're all like, they all grew up. They all came out to Hawaii at the same time and kind of became best friends. And they're all badass surfers.

But Rob Machado was one of them. And if I'm not mistaken, Rob Machado was the first person to start saying, I don't care about professional surfing, I'm gonna go out and just start filming it, making DVDs and put it out there and just do bad-ass shit and just people buy that. And so he wants to go surfing.

And so I'm fucking in. And me and you were going surfing with Rob McOtexas. Fucking Waco Texas. Waco Texas. Is that where it is? Oh fuck, we're here. Chip is your way in the hangout with us. Hit the Waco surf, you know, whatever it is.

Shane Dorian, oh Shane Dorian is right. Shane Dorian's son's about us. Shane Dorian's a big hunter too. He's friends with Rogen. Yeah, I met Shane. Really? Yeah, I flew with him. We went to Vegas together and we, yeah, that's the place there.

Is that the wave pool in Waco? Yeah, that's the wave pool in Waco. Shot the fuck off. It's like automatic waves just coming in. Let's rent it out for the fucking there. Is that the wave pool in Waco? Yeah, that's the wave pool in Waco. Shut the fuck up. It's like automatic waves just coming. Let's rent it out for the fucking day. You can do that. Bring your boys. Yeah.

Let's fucking go. I'm gonna, uh, oh well, oh my God. Waco, you get chipping Joanne out there. Are you friends with him? No, but they gotta know who we are. Poo. Like, there's no way chip gains doesn't know who the fuck we are. I missed, I had such a good time surfing. I would love to who we are. There's no way Chipgains doesn't know who the fuck we are.

I missed, I had such a good time surfing. I would love to do that again. I'd love to do it somewhere like this. It would be fun as fuck. Look at where did you go surfing? In Wahu. Oh, just on vacation? Yeah, I love the ocean.

I love the ocean. I love the ocean. I do, at the ocean, I'll say this. There is no substitute. Lakes are cool, rivers are cool. All bodies of water, there's a really cool thing about being in water, but there's nothing like the ocean. You're right, I look at those,

this guy tried to swim, I saw this on Instagram the other day. This guy was doing a record baking attempt of a swim across a lake. It was like 10, 20 miles or something. And I was like, boo. I was like, no predators, fuck off. Bro, can I tell you something though? Yeah.

Even in this like, the stretch that I was swimming in. What do you mean, swimming in an open water? Every day. You just hang on, hang on. Start this all over. Let walk me through these swims. Cause no, because open water swims are legit, especially out in that water where you don't have control. And at least on three separate days, I was like, I'm definitely about to die.

So hold on, you're starting the story way too into the middle of it. So I would go walk on the beach. Yeah. into the middle of it. So, I would go walk on the beach, and what I ended up doing was, this first time, I'm looking at the, so the waves break differently. If you don't, they don't all break the same, even in the same stretch of beach, the way that the sea floor,

it goes the way that the tides obviously change every day. Wind is a factor, so there's windier days. So there's this stretch that I would walk on the beach. And as I'm walking it one day, I was like, I really want to go get in the water. But the waves are coming in and they're crashing pretty hard. And I see that there's nobody swimming. And I will tell you, the number one mistake made is underestimating the power of the ocean,

especially in the Pacific. It's humbling. So, well, I should say this. One day, I get in the water and I just kind of get in, swim around a little bit and get out. It's something that I did in Greece when I was on tour in Europe. And it was so funny I did too. It was so amazing.

It was so fun. And the water was cold as fuck. Freezing. And so it was like this thing where, you know, I remember I was with Kirk Fox and was Sean, Sean so funny because he's such a like a tough fit guy. But one thing, everyone has their thing, he hates cold, cold anything, hates cold weather, yeah, he likes it, he likes it 110. So he was like, there's water's gonna kill me, he would get out, and I would stay there, we'd just swim around with Kirk, and then it'd be like, now let's start our day, right?

It does like, you feel so good like, now let's start our day, right? Does it like you feel so good? Best way to start your day. So remember I did that. I took a boogie board and I went out there, rode a wave in and then I put Ellis on one and we rode one in and he was like, that was fucking awesome because it like threw him.

And then I tried to get Julian on and a wave smacked us and it spooked him. He got freaked out. Yeah. So I was like, all right, we're done with that. Goins, next day I'm walking along the beach. I go like, I don't know, man. Like let's say I take a 10 minute walk.

And then I just go, I'm gonna get in the water and swim back to where I started this walk. So, I know the middle of the story and how it ends. I'll tell you the two craziest parts of this. I ended up doing this multiple times, right? Like almost every day. Because of the stretch of beach that I would do this on, getting into the water and getting out of the water were the most treacherous parts. Oh yeah. Because the seafloor and certain parts would just disappear. So you'd be walking and like the water would be at your knees and you're going out and then you're underneath. It just

goes from two feet to like eight feet, right? And then when that happens, you have waves that if they're already broken, you have to go under, because you can only go, you know, you go over if they're starting to break or underneath it, but if they've already broken and they're coming in and you try to like face it, it not only fucks you up and it spins you, but the current of the water that has already broken comes back so they meet each other

and like we'll spin you out. So that happened to me a couple of times where I sucked in water and I was like fuck. And also I was doing the really smart thing of just swimming alone and not telling anyone where I was. That's just smart move. Yeah, a lot of people that say that this is the best way to take a die.

If you're gonna go to the ocean ocean go alone. Don't tell a soul So it's the dumbest way to swim if you haven't picked up on that so that's Obama's chef just died that way Yeah, dude doing stuff alone and like doing stuff alone on a paddle board and he fell and hit his head and didn't have a Life preserve on and he drowned either that or Allegedly the Obama's killed him. Yeah, there's that story too, which is I've heard that I've heard that and I and by the way, this is the second chef they've lost to drowning. Drowning?

Yeah. Yeah. And it should be pointed out black on black crime is really serious. I know you'd say it's kind of ironic that are the white people drowning in black and Obama's are fucking on the beach. Yeah on the beach. I fucking So I do one thing I like to put if I'm gonna swim in a pool and like really do laps I like to put in those those plugs because I swim laps in a pool sometimes, okay? But like I was a lot swimmer. I mean, I was I mean, I was, you know, I was on a swim team when I was a little kid.

Okay, so you can swim. I can swim, yeah. There's two pipe-in-sized people. People who can swim and people who know how to swim. Oh, right, right. Like, there's people, edit his name out. F***ing things he can swim. And he cannot swim.

You know, edit his name out. F***ing cannot swim. This I heard and I laughed so fucking hard. And he said to me. And then I laughed harder that you said how it like he was like, why is that funny? And he goes, and by the way, edit his name out, but he goes,

Hey, everyone will know who that is, bro. No, they won't. He's like, No, edit that out. He said, he said to me, no, this is still horrible. He said to me, he was shocked that I knew how to swim. That's crazy. We're also, I mean, so when I was a kid,

we would always go to this, like, city pool, when I was in Ohio, every, like, in summer. That's why you did everything you went to the pool. And it was just like, it was a huge pool. It had like a section for like, little kid diving and then it had one of like the platform dives. One of those fucking 10 meter dives. Yeah, dude.

And then there are no fucking joes. Those are terrifying. By the way, they are the one of the scariest accessible things you can do in this world. And you really can knock yourself out, jumping off of that. That should'll fuck you up. But we would just spend the entire day there. And you really can knock yourself out, jumping off of that. That should've fucked you up. But we would just spend the entire day there,

and then you know it had like the snack stand, where you'd get like a Snickers or ice cream or something like that. And that's how we would spend our days. So we'd swim. My older sister was a really good swimmer. So when she was on the swim team, you know, there was always like,

there's competitions like during the season or whatever. She would place like, in everything. Yeah, she, I only think I ever placed in, where I was like in everything. You know, yeah, she, the only thing I ever placed in, where I was like, I came in for a second or a third, was actually a backstroke. That's what I placed in. But I, you know, I would do breaststroke, freestyle.

I don't think I ever, I don't know if I ever competed in butterfly, but. I challenged Maddie Smith to a freestyle swim in Australia from out we were out on a boat pretty deep and we'll say we'll race to the thing. And I know how to swim. And Maddie Smith smoked me. She can fucking.

Was she competitive swimmer? She's competitive swimmer. Oh, those people are other level. There's like moves you do when you know, like when you know what you're doing, where your hand enters the water this way, and you go like this. Yeah. And then when you see, when you know, when you know what you're doing, where your hand enters the water this way, and you go like this. Yeah, and then when you see, like, basically everybody

who can kinda swim, can do freestyle, but when you see like a motherfucker do butterfly, who knows how to do? I've never been able to do butterfly. Butterfly and kickflips. They have these crazy, they end up getting these crazy lats, they look like fucking, it's really something, they have like a shell on their back.

So we go back to you in the beach, because this is the thing they say about the Malibu triathlon, is that the hardest thing people have is getting out of the water, because the way the waves break and how deep it shelves off. And then I ended up seeing some shit too, I ended up seeing some people, because I started to do this every day,

is like, you know, so the first time I get in, I have my watch, I set my look at my watch, and I'm like, I'm gonna swim down to this rock. And I'm swimming, I'm swimming, and I remember the first time I was like, man, I'm starting to like, feel the fatigue. Yeah. A little bit, not like I'm done, but like I'm like feeling the burn, and I look down, I've been swimming for six minutes, right? And I was like, fuck. And so I end up swimming more,

I make it down to the area that I was going for, and I am cooked at that point. I was like, shit. Cause here's the thing that happens in the ocean that doesn't happen in a pool, is I'm doing breaststroke. I'm not gonna do freestyle in the ocean. My ears are gonna get so full of water.

That's what sharks attack you. Yeah, so I'm doing breaststroke the whole time, right? And with the way that the currents are, is that you're doing it, and because you could look at a house, and you're swimming with a swimmin' in a minute later, you're in front of the same house. Cause the ocean starts to bring you back.

You get caught in a little rip tie. And then you gotta let it, and then when you really feel it moving you, is when you actually have to stop for a second, you don't wanna fight it and basically tire yourself out. So you let it bring you back, and then when you feel like you're out of that current, you're like, okay, you start going again.

I mean, it really wears you out. So I do that, do that, and then I realize, okay, I'm gonna go in now. So it's a whole thing of like, swimming towards the shore, and then that's the crazy part, because when you get towards the shore, now the waves, like when I'm doing the long part,

the waves are breaking for the most part to my left in front of me. But once I'm going in, they're now breaking this way. So at first you're like, oh shit, and so you go under this one. Well now you're back out again, right? And you're just going deeper. You're going deeper.

When you finally go, okay, I got some room. You start to go in and you can kind of like, you're gauging when to go under a wave. So like sometimes it would come, you go under it. But then like you just, you miss, you see it, it has broken and you're likeuging when to go under a wave, so sometimes they would come, you go under it, but then you just, you miss, you see it, it has broken and you're like, fuck, and you don't get down in time, and it knocks you. And I had a sun shirt, one of those swimming shorts.

Oh my god. And it knocked me so hard that it pulled the shirt up over my head. And so I was like, and I do it, and I get panicked, and I was like, oh, calm, and then you try to stand, and there's nothing there, so you go down. I can't believe you know, I do it. And I get kind of, I got like panic down. I was like, oh, calm down. And then you try to stand and there's nothing there. So you go down. I can't believe you're doing this.

It's fucking Malibu. This is where great whites hang out. Dude, I finally, as you're getting out, here's the worst part. You finally get your footing and you're like, okay, I can hit the ground. You get a break in that the wave is now in front of you. But as you are starting to get out, the wave is now in front of you, but as you are starting to get out,

the wave that broke in front of you comes back and it pulls you back in. That's what everyone gets fucked up on the Malibu triathlon. And they say, a secret time, I have a buddy who's like five, seven, and he said, there's a certain height where you can't get your footing. So you're just caught in a thing that pulls you out and breaks and pulls you out.

It was. And so by, you know, the 10th time that I did this, I had experienced already like some panic of like, I think I'm gonna die out there. So I should try again. How far do you think you were swimming? Distance wise. Yeah. If you had to put a face on it.

Well, I would increase it. So I did it. I did it like remember when you're coaching Nandalvan how to do a marathon. I would do it like that. So I you know swim for 10 minutes. So the longest that I swam in the open water was 30 minutes. It's very long. It was a long it was a pretty long swim Yeah, because that's not an a pool and a pool of 30 minutes swim. You're taking breaks holding on to the legs. Yeah There's a style and I was doing this like, well, the thing that that it occurred to me when I did the 30 minute swim was I was like, if I just like, I would, I would remind myself, I remember one time actually Joe telling me this about MMA fighters. He goes when a, when a fighter is fighting in the UFC, like a pro fighter,

he's like, they all fight, like the ones who know the real elite fighters, they fight it like 65, 70%, right? Like that's the rate that they're fighting at. Like an amateur goes, wow, they go like 100%. And then cast themselves out. And then so these guys know no window like hit the gas That dial it back in my head. I was like do not swim all out

Yeah, you know swim at a casual pace and so I was I was like trying to just keep be consistent but moving But I remember a few times being like don't freak out right here and gas yourself out. And then just be stuck in the ocean, you know? Yeah. Yeah, but once I had done this a few times, then on certain days I'd be out there and I would see like a family going like, let's get in the ocean. I just watch and I'd be like,

and I would see the dad be like, hey, I go, you know, those waves are gonna, are gonna be something to deal with. Like, it's gonna smack them, it's a shit out of them. He's like, I appreciate that. And I was like, okay. And then I would just watch these kids get like thrown up. And then what come out of the line. And I was like, yeah, just telling you that I've seen this a few times.

It was something that like like you would see people, even adults get caught up in how unexpected things can turn out. That's my favorite, those are my favorite videos to watch. People getting fucked up by waves. Seriously? Go to CookeSlams.com. CookeSlams.com, it's one of my favorite things. CookeSlams.

CookeSlams.com. No, go to CookeSlamsams. Just on Instagram and you'll get better. Coaxlams. Coaxlams. Coaxlams. It's the fucking best. It's my favorite thing is. That's Coaxlams.

That's Coaxlams. Jesus Christ. K, oh, okay. Not Coxlams. K, oh, there you go. Coaxlams. Coxlams is a whole series. Cox lands as a whole series. Cox lands as a series. Okay, just go to, go to,

Yeah, those legs upside down. That could be something. That's probably a pretty good one. Oh, I've seen this guy get fucked up. Oh my God. Yeah. How did he get launched that way? He's doing a slip-in slide. Oh, oh man.

We go to, go to the ones where they're standing on the, any beach floor. On the shore, shoreline. That's what motorcycles. Oh, there. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah.

I love it. That sucked for him, by the way, for sure. Oh, you can really break your neck this way You should by the way the dumbest thing I did though was go alone every day, right? Like that was super pretty go go away watch this kid get fucked up on this on this on this Go to the left go to the left there watch this kid get fucking worked watch this So so what's what's crazy about the ocean, when we were in clear water,

when we remember that house in clear water we had a long time ago. Yeah. I would do my jog down the beach. Do you ever see Tom Cruise there? No. He's a house there. For real? Yeah.

I think I know which one it is. Really? Yeah, I think I have a picture of it. You're like, I don't know anything about it. I think I have a picture of it. I think I have a picture of it. You're like, I don't know anything about it. I think I have a picture of it. I think I did a picture of it. So I used to do my jog and I jog in the mornings, at the not evenings I do a four mile jog,

but in the mornings I do a mile jog and then I get in the water and I'd only go up to my waist and then swim at that depth back. Right. Because I didn't want to go too deep. Atlantic by the way, way more chill. It's a golf, it's the golf, the golf is a bathtub. But I remember one time, swimming and feeling really great

and not paying attention to where I was. And I lift my head out of water and I am fucking way over my head. I just swim out. And all of a sudden I'm like, oh, fuck this. And then I start getting nervous about sharks. So I'm terrified of sharks. Terafide of sharks?

Oh my God, I'm terrified. Have you seen that fucking clip of the Great White? It's like the best footage ever of a Great White with a guy in the container that they lower into the ocean. This just was from, it's unbelievable. Wait, what is this? And it comes, dude, it's, it might be that the second, the new, that might be, is that the one?

Let's see it. Yeah. That's from like a year ago. Let's see it. Yeah. That's from like a year ago. Let's see it. Come on. Oh boy. I don't know. I feel like it's actually a newer one.

Hold on, this doesn't look good. That's a big, that's a fucking huge, great white. And he's like, oh, cool. And it has an open top. That's not a cage that's close. That's not a cage, that's a fucking huge great white. And he's like, oh cool, and it has an open top. That's not a cage that's close. That's not a cage, that's a casket. Yeah. He's like, look at the shark. Let's tap this thing and see what it does.

Scroll and see if this thing attacks him. Right to the, go to the peak. Ooh. Right there is where, right there is where right there is where there is where oh Yeah, that dude and then it just now it's already in attack mode. Yeah, and it just shattered that cage I Mean what it looked like from behind and then look he fell out of it dude and he's out of it. Oh shut Fuck how much would you shit yourself? Look, he fell out of it, dude. And he's trying to get out of it. Oh, shut the fuck up. How much would you shit yourself?

You're doing that. Look, he's trying, oh my God, that's fucking hilarious. He looks like a postal worker trying to go to away from a pit bull. I know, it's so crazy, dude. And he's like, guys, all right, fuck it, I'm going to the boat, I'm going to the boat. And then that, that's got to be the scariest part

of your whole life, the swim to the boat in open water with a great white. Oh my God. Does he make it? No, it rips him to shreds. Oh, this is the guy or the girl? I don't know, I'm not sure. Is it a woman or a guy that did it? It's a guy, it's a guy.

That's a guy? Well, I'm just saying. Yeah, I think that's a guy. Wait, is the other footage that we almost clicked on? Is that another one? Wait, have you ever seen the girl get her leg bit off? Buy a shark. They were in, yeah, the What is this one? Massive, great white, three o'clock.

Shark attacks fucking freak me out. Yeah. This is, is he an a pro, he's in a proper cage though, right? Or no? Freak me out. Yeah. And this is, is he an, he's in a proper cage though, right? Or no? I tell you what, I wouldn't mind going to Guadalupe Island and swimming with great white sharks in those cages. Those sharks are fucking massive.

It's crystal blue, but it's a three day boat trip to get there. Where? To Guadalupe Island. Typing Guadalupe Island. Wait, does this thing attack the cage? No. No? It's fucking clickbait.

Shark is biting my cage. Yeah, that's lame. It's clickbait. Yeah. Go to Guadalupe Island shark diving, shark diving, shark diving. Yeah, there you go. Look at these fucking, the sharks of Guadalupe Island.

Takes three days to get there. Takes three days to get there. But just, they're fucking tons of great whites. Tons of them. And they're all fucking right there. There's nothing around. And you get faced-faced with great whites. By going what? In the cage?

You get in the cage, everyone goes in the cage. And you scuba dive in the cage, and they put you low as fucking the water. They put you like 30 feet down. It takes three days to get there. I wanna do it so bad. Are you scuba certified? Yeah, yeah.

But I don't like scuba diving. How come? Gives me claustrophobia. Yeah. Like it, like I don't mind, it's like every time I go scuba diving, I never went scuba diving for fun. I went scuba diving for TV.

Yeah. So like the first scuba diving we did was at 90 fucking feet. So I'm like, everyone was I was always I was always catchy. I was I always felt like I was catching up with everyone to do their fucking dive I never got to do the dive. I wanted to do which is like a 30 foot dive and coral reefs. Yeah, it's like beautiful I don't need a wetsuit. I can just enjoy myself. I don't have fucking fear of sharks and fucking orcas. How about these orcas attacking boats? I've seen a video of a, I didn't see an orca attack one. I saw orcas are teaming up breaking boats up in the open water, ripping off their udders,

their udders, their rudders, their udders, no, but orcas, so did you see the video of the Orcas saying Orcas, like, one Orca was like, what was, what's, what's, these are Orcas were saying? No, Orcas. No, this Orcas just went up to a boat and was like, what's up, man? No, it was like, this is like, help, help, help, and they were like, huh? And he's like, this way, this way. And then they're like, what's wrong, baby orcas? Look, orcas are breaking boats apart. Look at this, they're going in and they're hitting the fucking udders, rudders.

And they're fucking... And then they fucking just tear up the boat and these boats are sinking. Really? Yeah. Are they eating the people on them? I don't know, they're just fucking destroying the boats. I think they found out about SeaWorld. I don't know what I'm talking about.

Managing to remove the rudder. Look at that. And so they're sinking these fucking boats. Wow. Yeah, look at this. And so they're going in having arrested these people and its orcas doing it. Here's the other thing. This baby orca comes up to a people and it's Orcas doing it. Here's the other thing, this baby Orca comes up to a boat and it's like this for real. Help, help!

And then they're like, what's up? And it's like this way, this way. And it takes them to its mom who has a net. It goes over and look, this is more Orca's attacking boats. You ever seen Orcas hunting great whites? I think I'm one of the nature. And Orcas hunting great whites? I think I'm one of the nature and Orcas hunt them for fun. And the Orcas will also bite their tail off and then play with them. Really? They'll bite their tail off and then it'll fuck with them.

I've seen the Orcas going after like a blue, like going after a massive whale, where they, they team up and they've seen when they get a seal on a piece of, of ice and they all swim at it and dive and then a big way of knocks the thing off the ice and it slides off. Dude orcas are motherfucking. They also like punt seals. They like they hit them with their tails and they go through the air and they're like and then they're like, oh it's definitely dead. Let's do it. Do you think part of SeaWorld's like sea, we weren't all that wrong? Yeah.

We should be capturing all of them. They should be in captivity, yeah. Baby Orca. Hint. Oh, love. Oh, I love this. Look at how terrifying to be a seal and be like, hey, wait.

Oh, fuck, man, everyone out of the water. Yeah. That's top of the food chain right there. Orcas. Yeah. Is there anything better than an orca in the... Look at that. Look at it. Did it just pump? Yeah. A seal? Yeah, dude.

Oh my God. What the fuck? By the way. What the fuck? That seal is not okay. No. No. No, the... By the way, what the fuck? That seal is not okay. No. No. No, I don't think there's anything that's better for killing in the water. The only thing that likes to kill,

it's not the same type of animal, obviously. But is polar bears? Polar bears. Polar bears love to kill. Polar bears will just kill you because they want to kill something, you know? They're not like oh There's a necessity for food dude. I'm telling you

Fuck I want to see a orc or eat a polar bear go go go to that search result go back there Yeah, I hit that what's up with the bloody face. Yeah, oh that guy got attacked by a fucking whoa look at the oh Tree just had a Cruisely with two cubs come at me from about 80 yards and I sprayed it out over with bear spray and And I went to on my face and protected the back of my neck She got my head good. I don't know what's under my hat my ear

My arm what's under my hat, my ear, my arm. Oh! I don't know what's going on in there. And then my shoulder shrifted up, think my arms broke, but legs are good. Internal organs are good, eyes are good. I just walked out three miles and now you go to the hospital. So, this guy used to walk three miles out there. Varspray doesn't always work, but it's better than nothing. Oh, that's my daughter's wanted to go on a fucking,

on a hike where the fuck we were, we were in Bend, Oregon, driving home from fully loaded. Yeah. We were just on the gorge and we're gonna drive home. Yeah. All the way and we go to Bend, Oregon and Georgia and Daisy and Ila are like like let's go for a hike And I was like I was like no guys. This is where you get attacked by a fucking bear

We're not in like we're not in LA It's if this is bear territory and they're like dad bears aren't and I'm like that's who gets fucking eaten And let me tell you something I'm faster than every one of you bitches and I will be the last one that gets fucking eaten You do you do leave them behind right if a bear is running? I would trip George's friend Daisy and grab my daughters. I'd kick her knee and be like, sorry Daisy, yeah, it'd happen. Good luck. All right.

Have you been burnt into my wife, Leanne, who had her birthday yesterday? I love you so much, Leanne. You're the best thing in the other world. And the other, you know what I mean? In the other world. In the other world. In the world that doesn't exist, your number one.

What if I'm dead right now? And then she's seen in another dimension? Oh, fuck. Oh. Bill, that's nice that you're telling her that from the other side. Hey, baby, if you're watching this right now, I'm dead. I loved you.

You meant a lot to me. And what if I, no, I'm gonna take this out. I'm not gonna die. Well, also, like, what do you want her to do? When she's just, don't mourn me for five years this out. I'm not gonna die. Well also like what do you want her to do? What don't have more than me for a five years at least five years five year hootspa. What's it called? Hotspa Hotspa Shiva Shiva. I want a five year shiva head seven days. I want to I want a seven year shiva I'm gonna it's called the birth shiva where you's more than for seven years. I Love you love you

See you guys next time. you