2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Introducing Bert to Fancy Chef | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

SPONSORS: This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/BEARS and get on your way to being your best self. Get 20% off at Chubbies with the code BEARS20 at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/bears20 Try VIIA Hemp! https://bit.ly/viia2bears1cave  and use code BEARS! It's another week of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bart Chrysler! The bears are in Florida and are feeling like real Florida-men right now. They talk travel essentials and share some strip club tips, before discussing the passion and defensiveness some people have for their hometowns. Bert goes on a tangent about Harriet Tubman, the bears talk about the concept of dressing like a black dude, they also talk movie premieres, Andy Garcia, Fancy Chef, and the first time sharing your comedy career with your parents. Check it out! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 257 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The 2025 Come Together World Tour dates have just announced over 35 new cities. I'm coming to cities across the US including Louisville, Philadelphia, San Francisco, and many more. Plus, we just announced a run of shows in Europe including Dublin, Belfast, Glasgow, Manchester, and Cardiff, Wales. Get pre-sale tickets this Wednesday, October 9th at 10 a.m. local time with the code word Tommy before the general on sale Friday all at Tom Segura comm slash tour Thank you, and I'll see you at the show We are coming to you from our new set Yep, our new home. We have moved together to Florida.

We're back in Florida and I'm so fucking happy. I know. I love Florida. Do you feel like a Florida man? No, but I feel like you are definitely one. Okay. Yeah. So here, okay.

So this is what drives me fucking nuts. Yeah. When you hear- I can smell Florida man. You know what I mean? Like I sense them. My spidey senses go off. Tell someone to go get us some beers. Yeah, tell Pete to go get us some beers. I would love a beer. Okay. I'm in a Florida fucking mood. Florida man drinks. Florida man drinks in the afternoons.

By the way, I would argue if you're thinking about quitting alcohol, don't. Okay? If you're listening to this and you're thinking, today's the day, I'm gonna quit, I'm done forever, it's fucking my life up, don't. You're setting yourself up for failure. Wait a minute. Don't fucking quit drinking. Did you connect all the things you said though?

Cause you just said if somebody is like, it's ruining my life. No, it's not, it's not, it's you. It's not the alcohol, it's you. Wait a minute, so can they get their life together and still continue drinking? Look at me. I got my shit pretty together.

I'm a fucking mess, right? But I got a great woman by me side by side, right? Keeps me in track. Okay. And then- How often does she, you know, adjust the levers with, let's just say, drinking specifically? I don't know. I'm literally, I don't know.

No, but she definitely walks up to the cockpit every now and then. It's like, how fast are we going? This is, it feels bumpy back there. Are you paying attention? That happened quite a bit. It happened yesterday on my flight. Wait, I thought we weren't drinking on flights anymore. Oh, we're back. Okay. See, that's the thing.

Wait, where did you fly from? LA to Orlando. LA, okay, you took the LA to Orlando flight. Yeah, and that's the thing. Wait, where did you fly from? LA to Orlando. LA, okay, you took the LA to Orlando flight. Yeah, and that's the thing is if you say, I'm it, that's it, I'm done, I'm never gonna drink again. Right. Then a glass of wine, your life's fucked.

Your life isn't fucked. Your life's fucked. But there's people that are sober that are like, no, it's been great, it's been a great pivot. They are holding on by a thread. Well. All of them are holding on by a thread. Sometimes they're thriving because they quit. Some people, some people. But then.

Yeah. All of a sudden you make a fucking. I would love to see you like this. What? Just totally sober. I do it all the time. No, I mean, like. Like sober for the rest of my life.

I would just be fun to watch. I think you would be like, I don't know. He'd be like a Superman version of yourself. I'll tell you what's better than being, and I've been sober for big stretches. What's a big stretch? Like four months. Four months?

Yeah. Really? Yeah, three months. Three months is the longest I've ever gone. I mean, I did like 17 years when I was a child, but. Yeah, we're not gonna count those. But yeah, four months is the longest I've ever gone. I mean, I did like 17 years when I was a child, but. Yeah, we're not gonna count those. But yeah, four months is the biggest stretch. I dated longer once when I first started dating Leanne, but I don't know.

Why did you do it that time? Because she dumped me. She dumped me. And then I was like, all right, I'm done drinking. I'll never drink again. I want this woman in my life. And then we were flying to Italy and I didn't know this. This was the last amount of money I had. I didn't know that I was spending drink again. I want this woman in my life. And then we were flying to Italy and I didn't know this.

This was the last amount of money I had. I didn't know that I was spending all my money on this trip to Italy. Didn't you also do that in your honeymoon? Yeah, I did that in my honeymoon too. I'm not cool. You really don't have a concept of money. I do not.

Still? To this day. You really don't like know what's there and what you can. I don't even know what bank we have. You don't know what bank you're at? I couldn't even tell you. I couldn't even tell you. Do you know what investment firm,

like who you have like investments with? No, like Steve. Steve. No, I don't care. I got it. But I don't care in like, I've never cared. Like that's the thing. It's like, don't think just cause I'm have money now

that I'm gonna start caring. I didn't care when we were broke. Yeah. I didn't care when, I've never cared. Like that's the thing. It's like don't think just because I'm have money now that I'm going to start caring. I didn't care when we were broke. Yeah. I didn't care when I never cared. I will say that having known you when you had no money. Yeah. You don't seem really that different to me. I still get nervous buying things. Like I'm still a child. Like if I'm gonna buy something, like my tour bus.

I was like, why are we doing this? This is so much money. Don't let's not do this. We can't afford it. And then Leanne's like, you have no idea how much money we have. We can afford it. And I was like, I know, but it feels like wasteful.

Like we'll just keep renting. And Leanne's the one that goes, no, the amount of, cause when I would rent buses for a year. For a year, yeah. For this whole year. And that is a lot of fucking money. It is. And so she was like, trust me, this is a wise investment. So I don't even know, like.

I would do it, except that I realized after the last tour that I hate the bus. I just hate it. So I was like, why would I do that? Like, you know what I mean? Like if I don't enjoy it. So. was like, why would I do that? Like, you know what I mean? Like if I don't enjoy it. So. Oh wow. That's so wild.

I think if you had my bus, you'd like it. I don't think so. Tom, I go to my bus to hang out. Yeah. Like I don't hang out in my house. Like if like Leanne went for a dinner with her friends and I was at the office and I just went to my tour bus. I hate spending time on the, on any bus. I hate the drive. I hate it. You're asleep during the drive. I love driving during the day. I love, I love taking two days off

and just staying on the bus. I love, I can't wait. I'm taking more time off. I want to fly, I want to fly everywhere. Oh my God. Yeah. I have no interest in planes. I always, I wish I could, I wish I could fly from the hotel to this place. Like that's how much I like flying. Pfft. I wish I could have landed on the roof.

How can we be so fucking different? I wish I could have landed on the roof here. I hate, I hated yesterday's flight. I hate every fucking flight. So wait, were you really tying one on on the flight? Is that, that's what she's, so she was like, hey, yesterday's flight. I hate every fucking flight. So wait, were you really tying one on, on the flight? Yeah. Is that, that's what she's, so she was like, Hey, what's going on? Uh, yeah, I was, I, uh, yeah, I got a double jack on the rocks to start the flight,

like before takeoff. And then at lunch I got a, or with food, I got a double jack on the rocks. And then I started drinking beers. The flight attendant knew me, so she wasn't slowing me down. She was like, come back with a fresh one. I was like, nice. LeAnn was like, and then we got off the plane. I was like, you want to get a beer? She was like, what? No, we just landed. I was like, a cocktail then? She was like, no, we're going to dinner. I was like, I know, but we're going to dinner. We might as well, what are we doing? We have nothing to do. Let's fucking party. She's like, let's get a coffee. So we got coffees we got to the hotel and I was like

Espresso martini she was like, oh my god, what are your shits like every day, dude? I'm gonna be honestly I'm taking half shits in the morning I take like a half a shit and then I hold it and then I take a full shit after that you hold it like I don't know. It's it's I'm not all coming out at the same time It's really kind of frustrating like I'm taking half a shit and then a full. Do they come out as logs or are they just kind of like? Oh yeah. The best feeling is when the log is going

and you know if you just do it right, you won't break it. And you're like, okay, okay, keep going, keep going, keep going. And all these mixtures of different beverages don't affect this at all. No, no, I think I'm, here's the other thing is I'm healthy, I'm the healthiest I've ever been. Like workout wise. I work out wise.

Ever? Hold on, yes. You know for a fact, I've been a lot unhealthier. Yeah, okay. Okay, so it's not like a big stretch. I'm just in better shape than I've ever been. Working out like fucking crazy, feel great. And here's the thing.

I know a dude who relapsed, right? Yeah. And by the way, it wasn't a big relapse. Like in my opinion. What's, how do you opinion? It was a couple glasses of wine. That was the relapse? Yeah.

And all of a sudden the fucking world explodes because he had a couple glasses of wine. As opposed to saying, yo, I'm not gonna tell the world I'm sober, I'm gonna let my mistakes be little tiny mistakes inside my head, I'm gonna be like a regular person. It's fucking crazy to me. Did this person announce it? Because you know what it is?

It's like, okay. The moment you doubt whether you can fly, yeah, nevermind. It's a quote from Peter Pan, it's on the wall. I couldn't read the rest of it. You see forever to be able to do it. That's what I'm talking about. Right.

It's like, if you quit drinking, then you're never gonna drink again. Yes. It's like, I know a dude dude whose wife will go to strip clubs So when he goes to a strip club with us because he's fucking regular dude He fucking melts down he melts down and then he has to go confess to his wife and you're like, what the fuck? Right. Yeah, that's crazy. They're bummers dude. Oh my god, and you're like don't even come to the strip club with us because We want to have a good time. We don't want to sit with old frumpy pants over here.

It was like, guys, can we go? I really fucked up. Yeah. But now I just, I don't know. I was thinking about yesterday. Can you use your ATM card? Cause mine will show up on the, yeah, those fucking guys. I went to a strip club in Vegas one time

and I was like, yeah, we're going to ball out. I'm going to get everyone some cash. Yeah. I got like a thousand dollars out and it's in silly money, it's in their money. So you can't take any of it home. You have to give it all to the strippers. It really withdraws their money?

It withdraws their money, their money. It's fucking so frustrating that you were like, oh, and then we just wanted to leave, so we were bored. And we were like, all right. And then I just gave a stripper like, I was like, here you go. Here's like $700. She was like, for what? And I go to get a Saturday here.

We got to leave. Yeah. They let me in in sweatpants. That's a advanced fucking strip club guy move. I didn't, why didn't I was, we were on tour and I was about to go to bed and everyone's like, let's run. No underwear, a little baby oil underneath. No underwear, sweatpants.

I was about to go to sleep, and everyone's like, yo, let's go to the strip club. I was like, cool, should we roll over? And I was like, hey, and they recognize me. And the guy's like, one guy did, and he goes, no sweatpants. And he goes, oh, it's Burt. He's cool. And I was like, yeah, why wouldn't,

what do you mean no sweatpants? What is there, like, a wardrobe fucking, you have to sort of tire? Yeah. And then I sat down, and I realized, well, you're not allowed to wear sweatpants. I was like, wow, they let me in in sweatpants. Pretty fucking.

It's crazy, your dick gets hard in every one season. It's that move, yeah, it's very cool. Summer is dead, fall is here, and as the weather gets chillier and crispier, your wardrobe needs to catch up. Luckily, today's sponsor is here to save the day. Chubbies, yes, Chubbies. Yes, Chubbies, home of the ultra cozy comfort clothes

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the American dream with VIA. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Think of a time recently when you didn't feel like you could be your full self, like you were hiding behind a mask. October is the season for wearing masks and costumes, but for some of us, we feel like we're wearing a mask and hiding more often than we want to. At work, in social settings, around our family,

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Sometimes the mask is a mask that I can't frickin stand and a guy I don't like but I go That's how I'm protecting myself because I feel like no one's listening to me When I just want to sit there and be myself Therapy is great for dealing with all those Inner emotions and if you're thinking about starting therapy give better help a try. It's entirely online Designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Take off the mask with BetterHelp.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Bears today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash Bears. Here's my thing about Florida people. Okay? Yeah. Yeah. So like, I get frustrated when I hear, I get frustrated when I hear guys say, you know me, I'm from fucking Brooklyn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, I don't play that shit. I don't play that shit. I'm from Brooklyn. And you're like, I've been to Brooklyn. They've like, artesian ice cream. It's not what you think it is. Like everyone's in skinny pants and skinny boots. And they're deities.

Not that part of Brooklyn. Not that part of Brooklyn, real Brooklyn. I grew up in Brooklyn. And you're like, you're borrowing, you're borrowing toughness from a fucking movie or a thing that doesn't, or like, okay, let's do this. What's the most annoying state for a man to say he's from? Well, it's got to be a, yeah, I know what you're doing. I mean,

definitely the New York thing is fucking exhausting. What's more exhausting, New York or Boston? They say I'm from Brooklyn and then in Boston, they go, I grew up in Boston. I'm from Southie. You're not from Southie. No one's from Southie. You know why that? You know why? Because they don't fucking leave Southie. Right.

Fucking people in Southie I'm scared of. They're fucking tough dudes, but they stay in Southie. They don't come out to LA. Yeah, the Boston, New York thing, it's, I don't know, it's pretty neck and neck. I would say in my life, I've heard the New York thing more. Texas. Texas is a, that's a big one.

Nah, I'm from Texas. I'm from Texas. Yeah. And also, and we're not, because that's the other thing you're like, oh, because Texas is essentially the South, and they go like, we're not the South. Yeah. And you're like, what are you?

And like, we're Texas. And you're like, okay. That's just kind of, that's kind of fucking exhausting. Like, yeah, all right. I got it. Like you talk the same and you fucking walk the same. You say the same, my daddy fucking bullshit, but you're not that. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, if you call, I love it. Grow men call their dad. Daddy is a real Southern fucking thing.

I fucked up one time and called my dad, daddy, real southern fucking thing. I fucked up one time and called my dad daddy in a special. It was the last special I did. And I was talking about my dad and I said daddy and the whole room went, oh. I had to edit it out. It was so fucking gross.

It's gross. It's gross. I remember this fucking hillbilly that I went to college with. He told me that when he was like seven, he said something and he goes, daddy, you know, and he's, my daddy said, like boy, you call me daddy again,

I'm gonna knock your head right out. Like basically I'm gonna beat you if you call me daddy again. I go, how'd that go? He's like, well, I never said it again. Like, yeah, it's a different parenting choice, I guess. I mean, I don't really hear it from my, I mean, my kids are six and eight. They're allowed to say daddy.

They are allowed to, but they instinctively usually just say dad. Yeah. It's amazing how many black men call their mom mama. It's amazing? Yeah, like all black men call their mom mama. It's amazing? Yeah, like all black men call their mom mama. Yeah. That's like wild.

No matter where they're from in the country, they call their mom mama. Like, and you think that's a Southern thing? Yeah. But like there was a video, a really cool video. Like I love, I love, I love social content creators, content creators for football teams. It's always some white guy with like a thing,

like, oh, we'll give these guys a VCR tape. They won't know what it is. And then like, what is this? And it's just some 20 year old black kid going, I don't know, I have no fucking idea. And I have no idea what you're saying, but go ahead. I just saw it today. But the one they did was they said to the

they said to the team, when was the last time you talked to your mom? And every black dude was like, I call my mom the first thing in the morning. I pray for my mama. Yeah. I call my mom every day. Mama, I love you. Like it was wild. Yeah. They all called the mama. Black community reveres mother way more. Yeah. I even heard this, by the way, can I trust Peter?

He didn't spike this one. He didn't spike it. Sure. I think Peter's about to quit by the way. You think what? Peter's about to quit. Is he? Yeah.

What's he gonna do? Move to Italy. Why? Cause he's young, he has money. What's he gonna do? Move to Italy. Why? Cause he's young, he has money. He's never spent a fucking penny. He's worked for, how long he worked for me, Peter? About three years. Three years, never spent a cent.

In human years, that's like 15 years. That's fucking crazy. Are you really gonna move to Italy? Which city? He's obsessed with Northern Italy. He's obsessed with Northern Italy. He's obsessed with the German influence. Nice, dude. He's young.

Like, Swiss border? Like, up there? He's young. Why the fuck not? I think it's a great idea. That's the thing. Not enough people are taking chances. What were we talking about? You're not going to do it at 45. No. No, you're not. And you're not doing it at 51.

We've been trying to fucking get out of the city. I can't leave, I gotta work every fucking day. This is the age to do it. This is the age to do it. And you'll fucking learn a language and you'll bang some chick that you'll never see again and who cares if she has your kid? You'll never see her, you know?

Yeah. It's great. What were we talking about, mamas? Mama, so this is how much I'm saying though, like Black Community Revere's mother more, is that it was a story where Shaq was telling this story about him and Charles Barkley during a game, got in a fight and like threw bows at each other. And it was, and they were both ejected

and they were both like heated. And when Shaq got to the locker room, they were like, oh, it's free, the phone for you. And it was Barclays mom. And he was like, oh, you know, mom's on the phone. So he was like, he just went right to like, yes ma'am, no ma'am. And like she like squashed the beef by calling him.

Like, come on now, we need to behave. And that's how it- That's wild. You know what I mean? That's, it's like- I feel like if it was like two white guys, it'd be like, who? Fuck your mom, fuck your husband, fuck everybody.

Yeah. That's so crazy. Yeah, like if you talk shit about a black guy's mom, he'll fight you. I remember hearing a story about this kid, this dude said-, what's this? Latin mom shits like that too though. For real?

100%, yes. A thousand percent. That's all Virgin Mary stuff. It's all rooted in Catholicism there though. Really? That, absolutely. I don't really, I mean, I love my mom, but like, I know, but like, if you talk shit about my mom,

I'd be like, okay. Yeah, most, I was saying like white guy stuff is just like, fuck my mom. But if you go like hardcore Latin, they don't fucking play that either. I don't even know if I, like when I make a phone call to my parents, I think I always call my dad's phone.

I still do and he never answers. But I always wanted to talk to my dad. Yeah. I never, like it's so wild that like, that's so crazy that the communities are so vastly different. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's totally different. Totally different.

And, but, but, but the, you never hear black guys, no, black guys do it. What? Where they, when they say they're, what city they're from. Oh yeah. Yeah. Black guys do it. What? When they say what city they're from. Oh yeah. Yeah, black guys do it. I always thought it was like a white guy thing. That's part of a black guy's introduction to you is like reppin' fuckin' 305.

Oh yeah, what am I talking about? They get a tattooed on them. Yeah. Yeah, they tell you the street that they grew up on. That's crazy, I was listening to this thing about Rosa Parks, not Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman. Okay. You know Harriet Tubman is a bad motherfucker, right?

You know, she, so she, this just broke my heart. So she runs away. First of all, she runs away from the South with her two brothers the first time. And they get nervous and they make her go back. So she ran away and then got far away and her brothers were like, yo, let's get the fuck back. Did you listen to a podcast? I did. I did. Why? Yeah. Because I just, this is how you recap podcasts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, fuck it. This

fucking sucks. I'm not going to sleep in the Mars. Let's go home. So they go home. Rosa, Harriet Tubman, married by the way, married to a free man, black, but free. So yeah, kind of crazy that he'd be free and she's a slave. Yeah. I don't understand that. I don't know how it works, but anyway, so then she's like, fuck this, I'm out. So she bails, right? She leaves. She then goes back and brings her brothers out. They're like, yo, I made it out. Philly's not that far. Let's go. So she then takes them over back over to Philly. Then she goes, I'm gonna go get my husband. He's free. I don't really get it, but she gets it. So she dresses as a dude, goes back to her old plantation, goes to get her husband. Her husband's fucking fucking remarried in like two months. He fucking finds a side piece

Yeah, and Harriet Tubman's like every guy fucking every guy's the same. God like she's gone. Oh, yeah I gotta get somebody else. How could you be how could I mean? I'm sure there's a real simple explanation for this but like how could you be a free black man in the south married to a slave? I don't understand. I don't know. I don't know how it works. I don't know. I'm sure you could call somebody you know, who was like, oh, here's how we did it. Should I call Donnell? Yeah, he would love that question. Hey, Donnell, can I ask you a question about slavery?

Click. Yeah, no. So, wait, how many times did she make the trip down? A lot. A lot. And she was like, uh, I don't know. I always picture, is it like horseback? Is it trains? Like, how do you, how are people making the trip the whole time? My foot. There and back is always my foot.

The woman must've walked. If she had a pedometer, if she had a, she was getting her steps. Is that what you're saying? She was getting her steps in. Oh, that's cool. She was definitely getting her steps in. That'd be a cool memorial for her. I thought you were going to say integration. No, I just meant a sign that said Harriet Tubman and then in quotes, said getting her steps in.

That's a really cool way to honor somebody. Can I tell you, I think about when I was running the LA Marathon, I thought about Harriet Tubman. Shut the fuck up. And I thought about the Trail of Tears. And I was like, those guys did it. Like, and they didn't even train. They did not.

Neither did you. Like, Harriet Tubman did not train. You didn't either, you just signed up. And I wonder if she was sore as fuck the next day. So is it reasonable to say that during the LA marathon that you ran, you were just like, I am bringing someone to freedom right now. I'm taking slaves to freedom.

That's what you were going through your head? No, I was just thinking, I am just like Harriet Tubman. That's very cool. What does possible sound like for your business? It's the ability to reach further with access to over 1,400 lounges worldwide. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply.

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To discover how, visit bhp.com slash better future. If Harriet Tubman can do this, I can do this. And she didn't even have good shoes. She definitely didn't. Didn't have heads-up. If Harriet Tubman can do this, I can do this. And she didn't even have good shoes. She definitely didn't. Didn't have headsets. Nope. She didn't have Nikes.

Wasn't on like a mapped out trail. No. Didn't have water stops. No. People weren't handing her bananas. Nuh-uh. No. No go pack kind of.

No go pack. Little glucose spikes. Yeah. You're right. She did it way different than you. She did it in like boots. Yeah. Harriet Tubman getting her steps in.

Yeah. That's a good. That's a good. Yeah. It's the name of a new documentary. Fitbit should. Fitbit should do an integration with her. They should do an integration. Take a picture of Harriet Tubman and put a Fitbit on it.

Oh my God. Do you remember that she was going to be on the 20? Wasn't she going to be on the 20? You don't remember this? No. It was during like, sometime during the Trump presidency, they were like, oh, we're going to redesign the 20 and we're going to redesign the 20 and and we're gonna put Harriet Tubman on it and most people were like well that's a great

honor like that seems pretty amazing and I I would have to get verification but apparently Trump and or his office was like, I don't like that idea because she's not very attractive. I swear to God. I swear to God. As opposed to all the other people on bills, those are gorgeous. Like all- The smoke shows that- Is that wrong? Can they Google that? Trump said she's just not that hot.

Basically. This is what the story was. Now I'm somebody who will say, maybe that is not true. Maybe, but. But you said it on a podcast. So now it's true forever. Well, that, that was, I'm saying the rumor was that I'm not making up the rumor, whether or not. Oh, that wasn't a real rumor.

That was a real rumor. Okay. But I don't know. I can't verify that he actually said that. Now would that be out of the realm of possibilities of something he would say? I don't think so. I bet he's so fucking fun to have. Hilarious.

I bet he's, yeah. Unhinged 24 seven, just like what? Yeah. Look at her. I don't want her on my money. I could totally see him saying that. I was thinking it was gonna be something else. Is it? It's true, yeah.

Omarosa claims that Donald Trump questioned Harriet Tubman's appearance after an aide approached him about putting the famous slave on the $20 bill. Omarosa? Well, because she was on The Apprentice, and then she was in good graces with him for a while and then she had a falling out. Really?

Yeah. So could she have made up that he said that? Yes. I'm saying that. I'm a Rosa was pretty fucking hot, right? So, you know, I don't know, but it's still, it's a pretty cool story. We did, this is the hardest I've laughed in a while. I think we have video of it,

but it's one of the hardest I've laughed. Rachel and our office, we're doing a fantasy football league and our office is diverse. We have an African-American young lady named Kael. Kudos to you, man. Who works for us. Yes. We have one too, his name's, man. Who works for us. Yes. And...

We have one too, his name's Eni. Well, we should introduce them. They would probably love to meet each other. We should get them to play together. Yeah. But, I'll bring Kael to Eni, and then me and you'll just wink like... Yeah, we'll just watch.

We'll be like... So... Go ahead. So, we're doing punishments for the loser of our fantasy football league. And Rachel goes, you know, you got to spend 24 hours at a Waffle house. You got to spend 24 hours at a Buffalo Wild Wings. You got to, you got to get a tattoo. And then one of the ones she's like, she goes, you got to get a spray tan, but super dark. She goes, you got to get a spray tan, but super dark.

And we're all like, we're looking at Kyle. She goes, that's a punishment? And Rachel did not see it. She goes, yeah, really dark. Kyle was like, like how dark? And Rachel, I could not stop laughing. And I was like, and Rachel never got it. She was like, what, what? Wouldn't that be horrible? Oh.

Kyle went through my closet and she goes, I think you're a black man. I think I'm starting to dress more like a black dude. What was Kyle's observation? The hats and the shoes? The hats and the shoes are number one, but if I dress fancy, I dress in... Fancy black? Fancy black. Really? Yeah. Like how, what's the, like loud suits? No collar. No collar? Velvet, no collar. Oh yeah. I went a fucking bad ass shirt, but it was, it was patterned velvet with a velvet suit, velvet shoes. You dress like a pastor. Yeah. Yeah. I look,

I dress like a black guy. When I went to Kevin Hart's party for the Netflix thing, uh, I dressed like a black dude. I don't dress like a black dude, but I just like, like brothers kept complimenting me on what I was wearing. That's a good sign. It feels good too. Yeah, oh, when a black guy goes, dude, I like that shirt. And I was like, I thought you would. Yeah, this was for the Emmys thing you're talking about? For everything I dress, I dress like a black dude.

Really? Yeah, I started buying black dude outfits. I was telling you this. Yes, you did. A black dude XL, shockingly, is not an XL. That was really strange. That was wild. Were you in a Southern city for that?

I think you were. Yeah, I was in a Southern city. And I go to the, for lack of better words, the black eye clothing places, places that sells lots of colors of fedora hats. Everyone knows what we're talking about. I've been there. Yeah. And so I got these really cool.

Then do you make it work? You feel like you make it work? I wear them all the time. No one ever noticed it. Not, no one ever, no one's there like, what are you doing? Yeah. Like you're wearing a costume. You don't, you don't wear it like that. No work. I wear them all the time. No one ever notices. No one ever, no one's like, what are you doing? Yeah. Like you're wearing a costume. You don't, you don't wear it like that. No, people go that, that looks good. I don't think I can do that.

You can, but the thing is, so I go in and I get, I get two outfits, a tan one. It's like a match. It's the pants and the shirt are the same. You get those? I get them. The matching stuff. Yeah. And it's interesting. Do you wear that out or on stage or just- I don't wear it on stage.

I wear it out. Like if, like I'm going somewhere. Yeah. Like, and so I get them and I, I just, I mean, maybe this is racist, but I had assumed that an XL at a black guy's store would be like, actually be like a large. Like I thought it, it would be, I thought it would be the same. You know how like Target XL actually be like a large.

Like I thought it would be the same. You know how like Target XL is really like a double XL? Right. And then like Abercrombie and Fitch XL is like a large, right? Right. Like you go to Banana Republic, their XL is like a little more of a large. So depending on the manufacturer and the place you're buying it at, well, then they're typical clientele. It's like, they make the adjustment. They make the adjustments so that if you're selling, do you feel good about yourself?

Cause they know who the clientele is. That's right. Or like if you buy European cut clothing. Yeah. Oh, they're fucking get out of here. I went, I went not long ago to buy a shirt from a, an Italian designer place. You know what actually fit like normal, like just fit like a normal shirt for X. It was, it was a quadruple X and I was like, this is a four X and they're like, yes. Yeah.

We did not have your kind and that was like, I mean, you know, it was just like a normal size T-shirt. I was like, okay. So I go in and I go, I'll get XLs. And the guy by the counter is like, are you sure? And I thought he was just saying like, you're a big guy. And I was like, no, they'll fit. And he goes, okay.

So I buy two outfits, four shirts. You don't try it on. I don't try it on because I'm like, I know my size. And by the way, I know I'm an XL now. I'm like, I'm an XL at Banana Republic. So I'm like, I'm good. Proper XL. Dude, XL shirts, none of them fucking fit.

I bought an XL bedazzled giraffe on the back of one. Beautiful. Fucking barely, barely get my arm. Dude, I just got, I just got hosed by, I mean, it didn't do it on purpose, but you remember that t-shirt that Bo said to get? And then he's like, you and me are the same, like we're the same, so just order.

Yeah, he's like, order what I got. And I'm like, oh, okay. He's like, we're the same. And I go, great. So I order it, I fucking put it on, and it looks like I'm gonna go scuba diving in it. Like, it's like, it fits here, then it like sticks to the body.

And I'm like, I look like an asshole. Like I look like a total asshole in this. And of course I already took off tags and all this shit. And like, you know, it's not his fault, but the thing is like, if you don't know how something's gonna be cut, then you're just rolling the dice and this shit, this size does not fit. Wait, who is the designer? I don't want to say it. You don't want to say it. I'll tell you later. Okay. Yeah, I went to put on all these shirts and none of them fit. None of the pants fit. The shirts

fit on the suits, on the outfits, but the pants were super fucking tight. They were not XL. And, and the arms were cut weird. It was odd. And so I, I, I can't return them. I just have them. Yeah. There's a skinny black dude who would like two outfits. I got you. Hit them up. Hit them up. And I just have the shirts that I bought that he sent me and they just, they sit in the corner and I go, one day. I put on this eyeballing November, like you can maybe get in these in November. I put on a shirt to go to a premiere of a movie.

I was with Leanna and I started going to movie premieres. Really? Yeah. Why? I don't know. We have nothing to do. Oh, is that fun? Nah. I don't know. I don't know, I have nothing to do. Oh, is that fun? Nah, I don't know. I like that you keep going and you're like,

I don't even know if I'm having fun. I'll tell you what's fun. I gotta be dead honest with you, is going to see a movie. That I agree with. That's the fun part. Yes. So like you're going to see a movie, but you can't get anything.

They just give you popcorn and a Diet Coke. So you can't get, it's not like you're going to see a movie. What would you normally get at a movie? Everything. Cocktails, hot dogs. They don't have hot dogs, pizza, anything. I'm keto though. I probably wouldn't eat a lot of that.

Hardcore keto. Hardcore keto. We've been to a couple. I'll tell you what's weird is in order to go, you have to do the red carpet. That. Like, cause that's why they're getting you there so they can take pictures of you to say, oh, look who came to see this movie. Yeah. Oh, you want to hear something cool about this? So random as fuck, Andy Garcia used to take acting classes next door to my house.

Okay. So he's still at it. The guy still, he'd meet with this lady and he'd do acting, like work on his craft. And it was next door to my old house, my old house, right? Yeah. It was next door. So randomly, all the time I would see Andy Garcia. I would see him like once a week.

I'd see Andy Garcia. Just walking? And, but in my front yard, he'd be walking past, you remember how close those houses were? And I'd be like, hey, what's up? And every, I'd see him once a week. I saw Andy Garcia once a fucking week, right? So we go to this premiere for this movie,

new George Clooney, Brad Pitt movie. I'm sure that's why they invite you so you can talk about it on your podcast, it's called Wolves, it's very fucking good. It's good? It's fucking George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Well, I know, but I mean, it doesn't have to be a good movie. They're fucking amazing.

Okay. So they go, hey, do you mind doing the red carpet? And by the way, they have this kind of cool, they sometimes they tell Ian, can you just wait while he does red carpet? That's got to feel good. I go, yeah, no, just don't ever forget who brings the fucking butter home. Yeah. So they're like, just stand over here. Yeah. And she's cool. She's like, oh, sure, sure. I don't want to be a bother. I won't

be a bother. And then today, this time I go, hey, can she do it with me? And they're like, yeah, of course. It's amazing. So Andy Garcia walks up and they're like, can we put Andy Garcia in front of you? I was like fuck. Yeah, of course cuz he's gonna go in he's friends with those guys and he would see a Walks in front of me and he goes like this. He goes. Hey, hey, and he goes Hey, I like go yeah, what's up? He was like, how? And you can see he's like, how the fuck do I know you? And I so badly want to go, I used to see you once a week. But I didn't tell him. You can see, Liam was like, do you know Andy Garcia? Wait, you never told her? I never told her.

I just, but I was like, I wanted to be like, I see you all the, I used to see you all the time. And, but I just, and then he just was like this. You could see his fucking, he was like, what am I, dementia? How the fuck do I know this guy? I love Andy Garcia. He is, he is great.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt in person. Fucking gorgeous. They were in, so I didn't have to do much of the red carpet because they were still on the red carpet. I mean, when they do the red carpet, like people are all over them. George, George, George, turn this way, turn this way. Just fucking great.

Saw Simon Rex there, he's fucking gorgeous. But here's the question I have about these movie premieres. So, But here's the question I have about these movie premieres. So if you're not going to see a free movie, it's a weird, like, social dichotomy of life. Like, it's a weird thing because everyone ultimately wants to get next to Brad Pitt and talk to Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Yeah. Ultimately, you could see it. I mean, the seas were converging around them. So it was three places you could hang out at this after party. Front bar, back outside bar, upstairs bar, four places,

and the outside bar upstairs. George Clooney and Brad Pitt were in the outside bar upstairs. And it was almost like they were releasing tickets outside bar upstairs. And it was, I mean, it was like almost like they were releasing tickets to a concert. Like, and these are all people I'd assume that are in the movie industry, but they're all like trying to get close. Yeah. It was so weird and I was just,

it turned me off. I was like, I was like, let's just say, I sat out and talked to Nick Kroll the whole time. And I was like, I was like, just talked about standup and- It is gross. I've been, I was at a after party for after a premiere once. And the way that people are slowly, what they do is like if the talents over here,

they start to like, they're like, yeah, yeah. And you're like, what are you doing? And then they, the grossest is when stars start to move. And then the people gradually start to like drift their steps this way so that maybe they can intercept them on their path or people go like this, people go like this, they're talking to you. And this is not Nick Kroll. And by the way, it was so not Nick Kroll that I started doing it.

Yeah. Is cause I'm definitely, I'm, I'm someone that you'll be like, you know, look around. And Nick Kroll makes eye contact the whole fucking time. He's talking to you. So then I started going, I'm going to make eye contact too. So I was looking at him and his eyes and it was like, really creepy. But most of the people at those parties, they talk to you. Probably because you were going, keep looking in his eyes, keep looking in his eyes. And he was like, well, this is pretty intense. I was like. He's like, I'm good, I'm good, I gotta go. But most people at those, this is the worst is you'll be talking to someone and you'll be like,

yeah, I don't know, I thought the movie was good. And they're like, yeah, yeah, okay. And then they just walk away. And you're like, the fuck just happened? It's very, it's very, it's literally not different than high school. It is exactly the way high school hierarchy operates between like the coolest and there's this kid

and there's the weirdos and the, it's the same thing and they're just, everyone's just trying to like, who's the most popular? It's fucking strange. Leanne said, she goes, do you want to go upstairs? And I was like, I was like, maybe. Like a mate George and Brad. Yeah, she goes, you want to see if we can say hi to,

they invited you, you should go up and say hi and thank you. And I was like, I don't a mate George and Brad. Yeah, she goes, you want to see if we can say hi to, they invited you, you should go up and say hi and thank you. And I was like, I don't think that's how it works. And I was like, and I think, I don't think it's gonna be what you think it's gonna be. I love if you would have been, hey George, thanks for inviting me. And he'd go, I'm sorry?

You invited me? And he goes, I don't fucking know who you are. He'd be like, hey, could you pull up that ass tomorrow and I'll be out in a second. And you're like, yeah, sure. Sure thing, dude. Thanks for inviting me. Hey.

He's so sincere. I've always wanted to go to Lake Cuomo. Cuomo. And he'll be like, yeah, thank you. So we go upstairs. We go upstairs. And it's, I mean, it is slam packed. And the whole time I'm like, yeah, I don't,

I go, it's not, it's even if best case scenario, best case scenario, Brad Pitt turns and he goes like this. And now we have my Andy Garcia moment where he's like, how do I know that person? And then I go, I'm friends with Tom Segura. And then he's going, huh? Like that best case scenario, I still fuck it up. And so I was like, yo, this isn't,

let's get the fuck out of here. And she was like, for real, you don't wanna say hi to nobody? And then Richard fucking kind. I bump into Richard kind and he's like, hey Bert, hey Leanne. That guy fucking remembered my wife's name. Really?

Fucking remembered my fucking wife's name. We met him at a party. We just met him once. Really? Yeah, and he remembered my fucking wife's name. We met him at a party. We just met him once. Really? Yeah, and he remembered my fucking wife's name. And I was like, Jesus Christ, man. I was like, he's better than me. He's awesome.

He's the fucking best. And then I did say, sneaky, I did see. Nick Kroll gets up, he's upstairs and he's talking to Richard Kind. And George Clooney came up and dapped up Nick Kroll. Really? Yeah, I always thought that was cool as shit. That is cool.

I was like, whoa. And Nick, I don't think he knows him, but he was just like, what's up? I like your work or whatever. I thought that was cool. We went to one premiere and it was a Snoop Dogg movie. 1992, it's fucking sneaky good. It's like, it's Tyrese, Clint Eastwood's son, Scott Eastwood.

And it's such a good fucking, it's Ray Loiota's last movie he did. Really? It is such a good fucking movie. 1992 it's called? 1992. And I'll tell you- And Snoop's, Snoop's- Snoop produced it. Oh.

Black premieres, way better than white premieres. So far you're into black clothing. Yes. Black podcasts, black shoes. Their matriarchy. Their matriarchy. Everything. Black premieres.

Dude, Stacey Adams are fucking badass shoes, sidebar. Anyway, so. Super diverse episode. So they, so it's, they, Tyrese goes up and talk. This is like right when Tyrese was like kind of going wild everywhere right before he got arrested. He knew he was getting arrested. It was like, he went up and gave like a speech and like Scott Eastwood, I don't think even went up there.

He was just like, whatever, this is your movie. And so the best is he's like, I got to give up for Unc, everybody's Snoop Dogg. And by the way, me and LeAnn are sitting behind Lunel, okay? Lunel is the fucking greatest. She is holding court in our corner with everyone. Everyone's, and then Reggie Watts is there. I mean, it's like a interesting corner, right? Who was the dude sitting next to Reggie Watts

that is like, I wondered if they knew each other he was famous by knew him he was a comedian too but I can't remember who it was but anyway so they're like give it up for Snoop Dogg and everyone goes yeah like Snoop Dogg and then this white guy goes yeah yeah and Lou Nell goes that's ice cube you dumb motherfucker you culturally appropriate and white boy. And the place fucking fell out. Yay yay. I thought that was fucking great.

That's hilarious. She's fantastic. Lunell's amazing. She had a fish sandwich one time that I've been looking for for about two years. What do you mean? You were somewhere and she was eating a fish sandwich? She was eating a fish sandwich on live stream. And she was talking about it.

I've talked to her three times about this fish sandwich. I even mentioned it on a thing on Good Day LA. I was like, if anyone helped me find this fish sandwich, it was so good looking. And it was going out of, they were trying to run this place out of business during COVID. Yeah. And she was like, yo, if you can stop by this, it's a fucking- Dude, I'm so obsessed with Fancy Chef, you know? Have I told you about him?

What's Fancy Chef? Fancy Chef is this guy who goes by, he posts like his cooking stuff, but it's just, it's not right. Like it's that something's wrong, you know? Wait, hold on, tell me more. So he's like- Is he on Instagram?

Yeah. What's his, is it Fancy Chef? Yeah, yeah, hold on, tell me more. So he's like- Is he on Instagram? Yeah. Is it fancy, Chuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he does like, he'll be like, check out this shit I just made. And it'll be like, it'll be a store bought cake with blueberries on it. And he's like, look at this, beautiful and nice,

beautiful and nice. And you're like, yeah, that's just a cake from Ralph's, you know, like that you put berries on. Did you find them? Yeah. So he doesn't make the cake? I named the Thanksgiving holiday package. Listen to this package.

I'm saying you can, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's Day. With loxing your date, you can make me all the promises in the world. What loxing your date is your deposit. I'm asking upfront for a 65% deposit. You know what the rate is?

No, two to five million dollars to cook for those six days. Okay, but if you scroll to, look at some of the food he's made, like if you see some of his food, you can see what kind of level we're talking. By the way, every video is the same. It looks like a Klan member. Yeah. He wears his hat a lot. That's a weird fucking choice for a black dude.

Yeah. That hat. I mean, it looks like a fucking Klan outfit. Well. On purpose? He wears his chef's outfit everywhere. His newest move is that he's going to restaurants ordering food and then he's like, check out what I made. As he's sitting at the table,

he just ordered it from a restaurant. He's like, look at this beautiful dish. And you're like, you just ordered that. Like, you're not in the kitchen. You're just sitting at a table at a restaurant. So I've been obsessed with his videos. And he also like, he'll, he puts a lot of shit in wine glass.

So he'll be like, you know, here I have a wine glass and he'll put like a rib in there, some raspberries, ranch dressing and honey. And he'll be like, look at this shit. That's beautiful. I watched his videos and he also has three phone numbers. You know, one of those guys was like, give me a call. 570214 or 7026, and you're like, what the, what,

how many fucking numbers do you have? Yeah. So we've been calling him and calling him and calling him and we finally got him on the phone. And I was like, I want you to come to Austin. How much? To cook for me. He's like, he's like, I already been through this shit with you man, Zolo.

And I was like, yeah. Are you serious? Yeah, cause Zolo, and I go, so you're locked in? He goes, I told him like, he said I only fly first class. I go done. Five star hotel, done. Ground transportation, done. And then he's like, I don't fuck with paper plates.

I was like, okay. So he was like, go don't fuck with paper plates. I was like, okay. So he was like, go buy, fancy cutlery and then, you know, full kitchen. He needs every fucking possible piece of cooking equipment you could have. And I go, great, we'll shop for all of it. And then I was like, are we set? And he was like, yeah. And I go, what will you make? And he goes, I've been a chef for 40 years, man. I cook anything you want. And I was like, great. I love sea bass. And he goes, yeah, I don't really fuck with seafood. Yeah. I was like, that's huge part of cuisine.

And he's like, yeah, it smells. I was like, all right, so what do you want to make? He's like, how about like a New York strip? I was like, all right. Strip works. By the way, that's the last piece of steak I'd want out of all the cuts. Okay. So here's the thing. We're so excited. He's supposed to come Wednesday. Um, Towson. Yeah. And I don't know if he's going to show up. I just pointed out to the guys, I was like,

do you have car service? And they're like, yeah, picking him up. I go, no, taking him to the airport. You think he's going to find the airport? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to fucking- You got to pick him up from his house. You got to pick him up from his house. And they were like, okay, we'll add that. So we're going to be very excited. I mean, we are excited. We'd be very disappointed if he doesn't show up.

But I don't know. I can't believe he's charging two to 5 million for those six days of work. That's wild. With a 65% deposit of money. But here's the deal. It's really smart for him. Cause if he just books one of those, he's set for life. Yeah. All he has to do is book one and book all of money. But here's the deal. It's really smart for him because if he just puts one of those, he's set for life.

All he has to do is put one in and he'll put all of them. He'll put all of them. Hey, man, I know the range was two to five. I took the $5 million options and I just sent you $3 million for the deposit. We good? He's like, blink. And then he would just get there and be like, this shit ain't right. I'm leaving.

Walk out. God forbid that those people want Seabass. They pay $5 million and they don't get Seabass. I'd be so upset. I love it. I love where this world's turned. I love that you don't have to know how to do what you're doing to do it. Yeah.

I think it's so fucking brilliant. And make demands. Yeah. That's the thing is he is slowly but surely becoming a star with this profile that people are slowly discovering. And we started talking about it, and then the episode's gonna come out pretty soon where we highlight him more, and then we get him on the phone.

And yeah, I've invited some other special people to be there for him, yeah. We are from a very lucky generation. Me and you are from a generation where not everyone could do everything. Our chefs had to wanna be chefs, they didn't wanna be television personalities. Totally.

There was a period where people were becoming chefs just so they could't want to be television personalities. Totally. Like that, like there was a period where like people were becoming chefs just so they can get in front of the camera. Yeah. Like, yeah, I'm a chef, but like I want to, I'm, I'm, I think that's still done now too, right? And in comics, I chose comedy. I mean, this is going to sound crazy to anyone. And I know I sound fucking out of my mind sometimes, but I chose

comedy when it wasn't an occupation. Yeah. Like when no one was doing comedy, no one decided to be a comedian when we started doing comedy. Well, I think people were, but they, we had, first of all, we had no idea that the internet would be the platform that it, like the internet existed,

just barely, but it did exist. But no one was like, yeah, you can share your stuff there. Like we went into it being like, God, I hope enough, the right people see me and I can get maybe some TV deal, but more importantly, have clubs just book me. That was it. That's the big goal. I didn't even know there were clubs. I didn't even know how comedy worked. Yeah. I just knew I wanted to do standup and I needed to move to New York. And I was like,

I'd never seen, I'd seen in comics, I didn't even understand how the business worked. Now I see people doing comedy that they're like, like my daughter's best friend wants to be a comedian. Really? Yeah, and I was like, I think she should. I really think she should. She's the funniest fucking human being I've ever been around.

She is so fucking funny. Your older daughter? Oldest daughter, George's best friend. She's, I actually was like, yo, no, don't lie. I tried to get her on stage at Fully Loaded. Me and Whitney tried to get her on stage. We're like, just get on stage, just try it. Cause she is really genuinely one of the funniest

human beings around. That child has made me laugh. And that child has made me laugh and not, this is the best. I always say this about people that like, as a comic, you know someone's funny. You know someone's gonna be great when they make you laugh and they're not trying to make you laugh.

Right. When they're just being them and you're laughing, that's what a real comic spirit is. Cause that's what you end up trying to be. That person that was not trying to be a performer. Yeah, the reason, yeah, I mean, I told this to someone the other day. Wait, she wouldn't get on though, when you guys tried to?

No, she was fucking 19 years old, she was terrified, this fucking 12,000 people. It's now maybe not the time to do an open mic. I was like, Whitney and I wrote her an act, we're like, just say these jokes, get yourself comfortable, and then talk from your heart. Like just say, she made me, I mean, this, an act. Just say these jokes, get yourself comfortable and then talk from your heart. We love this kid like one of our children. She's been with us, but this kid's genuinely fucking funny. Nowadays, it's like I see so many people go, yeah, I'll just do comedy. Maybe I'll just

start a YouTube channel. I'm going to culinary school. And you're like, but yeah, but what are your incentives? I feel like things have been whittled. Like all of a sudden something pops, right? And then everyone runs to it and everyone goes, well, I'm going to be one of those now. And you're like, when our generation, it was like, like David Tell became a comedian because that's the only thing he could do. Yeah. And he loved doing it. Sarah Silverman, I don't think people realize

how special Sarah is. Sarah started at a young age and has been doing standup comedy at a high level for the longest fucking time. And she didn't pick it because she thought it was a way to get into acting or this was gonna leapfrog her skin line. You do it for the same reason. That's the thing that is shared.

No matter the generation is you start it and you do it because you're like, Oh, this way I don't have to get a real job. Yeah. It's like, this is the best. If I can make enough to survive, then I can not have a real job, which is really the goal. Joe Rogan. I mean, I think people forget, I think because now Joe is what he is.

Joe Rogan didn't get in this to have a podcast. No. At all. He got in it, one, to get away from head wounds. Yeah. Head trauma. Head trauma. Yeah.

And he loved comedy. And I see so many people nowadays, and I'm not shitting on them. I don't really care. It's like, I just have fun with your life, ultimately. But like, it's so funny that the thing that we picked when we had no real, like, a lot of options, now seems like a very viable job for people. Yeah, I mean, I think people go- Do you remember telling your dad

you wanted to do comedy? Yes. How did that go? You know, he was surprisingly, like, I don't think he fully got it, but he was really supportive. He was just like, you got it. You gotta go try to do this because his, his story was that, you know, he was like, he ran track, he played football.

He was a starting quarterback. He was a competitive Olympic lifter. And what he wanted to do was be a high school football coach and a PE teacher. That's what he wanted to do. Yeah. And he said that he told his dad and his dad was like, no son of mine is going to be a PE teacher. Right.

So, and, and he always talked about, he loved, he loved football college, but he's like, I he always talked about he loved he loved football college. He's like, I loved he's like, I wanted to be a high school football coach. And my dad was like, absolutely not. So, you know, he went into like a traditional he became a financial advisor. He's the guy that you go, I want to open a 401k. And he liked it. You get to work with people. And he loved working with people and stuff. And but when I was like, yeah, I want to open a 401k. And he liked it. You get to work with people and he loved working with people and stuff.

And, but when I was like, yeah, I want to do comedy. He was like, I'm going to do what my dad didn't do. And like, he's like, I don't really understand how that works, but I'm saying go try it because you don't want to be older and be like, I wish I would have tried this thing. So he was really encouraging. My mom was like, what are you talking about? Like, you should go to the post office

and get a job at the post office. And I was like, what? And she was like, this way you have a job and you can do your shows at night. And I go, at the fucking post office? And she was 100% serious, you know. She was like, they have benefits and the federal employee. And I'm like, what?

So, but he was always very encouraging, you know? And like, he was like thrilled when I made 50 bucks. I told him one time I made $50 doing this show. He was like, Jesus, really? I go, yeah, give me 50 bucks just to pop into this show. And he was like, that's fucking great. He was like telling, he was bragging. He was like, yeah, I'm gonna get like 50 bucks to into the show. And he was like, that's fucking great. He was like telling, he was bragging. He was like, yeah, I'm gonna like 50 bucks to do a show.

But he was like super excited by it. But he also was just like, you know, I don't know how this works. Yeah. Now I also remember telling him like, oh, like this month, you know, I shot that commercial, but like, the residuals haven't come in. So it's not good. He's like, hey, you gotta like, figure something out. And that's when I was like, yeah. Like one of those early transition stages and I got a job at a pizza place off of Riverside Drive in the Valley. Oh wow.

And I was like, so I was like, I was like, okay, I gotta like- You should've joined the post office. Yeah, post office would have been cooler. That's why I started doing all those odd end jobs was like, you know, to float between get, and then even then, dude, I still remember in 2011, the improv gave me nine weeks in a row of headlining in a row, one week off and then 11 weeks in a row headlining.

Wow. And I took every single week. Yeah. And when I got back from 20 weeks of headlining, I was like, I have to get a job. I had, they were paying me 12.50, which everyone's going to be like, 12.50 a week. You got to pay for travel. Pay for travel. And you, you live while you're there.

You gotta buy certain meals and shit and pay your, got back. And I was like, yeah, it's not enough to live. For headlining the A club of the nation, right? And that's when I became a site rep. Remember when I was a site rep? Oh yeah. So that's what a site rep is like. Somebody's like, yeah, you can shoot in our building for production,

but somebody has to oversee the liaison between the building and the production. So then I had to do that. And that was like, after headlining all those weeks, I was like, ah, this is fucking, yeah, but he still was like, he was still like, yeah, you know, I go like, oh yeah, you know, I'm still doing better than last year. That's what I always graded on for him. I was like, well, last year I I go like, yeah, you know, I'm still doing better than last year. That's what I always graded on for him.

I was like, well, last year I was like this, this year's a better year. Oh, I was the exact opposite. I had an amazing first year of comedy. Oh, right. Yeah. You had like deals. I had an amazing second year of comedy. I had an amazing first three, four years of comedy was like chosen child, the chosen one.

Pete, can I get a beer? Chosen one. You can have this one. And then, okay, I trust you. Yeah. That second shit's coming up. Is it? Well, that was close.

I got it, Pete. Oh, we got it. Thank you. So, yeah, I had a big deal six months into doing comedy with Will Smith, I had another big deal, I had a TV show, I had did a pilot, I had another TV show, and then I spent it all. Isn't that crazy?

I spent it all. I spent money, I remember one time my business manager called me and he was like, are you sick? Yeah. And I was like, why? And he goes, you're spending money like you're dying. And I was like, I remember my- You're like you're dying?

Yeah, I remember my credit card, my credit card got declined for a pizza. That's when I knew I didn't have any money left. I was the canary in the mine. Yeah. got declined for a pizza. That's when I knew I didn't have any money left. I was the canary in the mine. I had whatever it was, like a Merrill Lynch, right? Is that it? Like a Merrill Lynch card. Yeah.

And I got a pizza. And I think I either gave him the credit card number and it got declined. And I was like, so I'm out of money. That's how I knew I was out of money. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I did know that one time I took, this is like, I don't remember the year,

but you know, I just started to work more and like, I think I put out an album. So I had like the, and you look at, when you book a trip, like, oh, the rooms are this, this is, and you're like, oh, so it'll cost this much. Yeah. And I tell Christina, we're going to Hawaii. We go to Hawaii.

And then during the trip, I'm realizing that like lunch at this hotel is like $400. Like they're just like, this is the only place to eat. It's $400 for lunch. And I'm like, and Christine's like, we can afford this? I'm like, yeah. And we get to the end of the thing and I see the checkout bill and I'm like,

this is three times what I thought this was. And I'm just like, and I hand it over and I get back and I'm making payments on this thing. And I was like, this is fucking stupid. She has no idea that I'm like, I think I have to sell something to pay for this trip. You know my story of my honeymoon, right? Yeah, of course I brought it up earlier.

Yeah. That's right, yeah. Of course. Yeah, it's fucking devastating. You're like, oh my God. It's fucking insane. And it's how things can just turn. Like, you know, I mean, dude, I remember this is crazy,

but I remember when my dad came out in like, I think it was 2017, 2017 or 18. And I was like, oh, these are my tax returns for this year. And he goes, do you realize that you earn more this year than in my entire career combined? And I was like, really? And he was like, yeah. I go, do you realize that this was like just talking about my dick and farts and stuff?

That's it? It's just me being like I farted and I actually shit when I farted. And he was like, that's great, buddy. Isn't that crazy though? What's crazy is your kids will never have that with you. They fucking better not. My daughters will never make more money than I made. That's a great, they're about to start their careers.

They'll never achieve what I have achieved. They'll never fill these shoes. They will always, I will always be, I will be their Bruce Willis. They will always be my Tallulahs and Scouts. They are, yeah, it's kind of, I remember my dad's at one point, I remember saying like, I don't know what to do.

And he was like, buddy, I can't tell you. I don't, I've never, I didn't make money like that. And I was like, okay, so what do we do? He's like, I don't know. He's like, good luck. My daughter's old. It's kind of nice. It's kind of nice. It's kind of nice. And by the way, I want to just point this out to bring this full circle.

All of my life happened while I was drinking. Yeah. That is a good one. You're sitting. Look at it over here. You're sitting on your couch right now. Thinking about quit and drinking. You're having your coffee. You're putting the zen in. On your couch right now. Thinking about quit and drink. You're putting the Zen in. You're hungover. You're listening to us. And you're thinking, I need to change my life. No, you don't. You don't need to change your life.

You just gotta dial it in. Listen, here's the deal. Go to the bar tonight. And if you're having that thought, don't forget, if you're having that thought, man, alcohol is ruining my life. It's not. It's you. It's you. It's you.

It's you, the alcohol, listen, how many dry drunks do you know? How many guys do we know that are sober, that are still a fucking mess? Yes. And then they're like, yeah man, I couldn't drink, I fucking, I'd lose my life. And you're like, no, you're still a piece of shit.

But if you're ready to make that phone call, to say I need help, I need to. I should do a hotline. Kick this thing that I think's taken over my life. life. You're saying that's not the thing to do. No, it's not. Here's what you're doing. You're on your couch, you're having a zen, you're having a coffee, and you're saying that's it, I'm done. She won't call me back, I fucked up last night. I don't know where my... Have you listened to Josh Brolin talk about getting sober? I heard a clip, I think you sent me a clip of him talking about, I'm a huge Josh Brolin fan.

He's fantastic. But, but holy fuck. Yeah. He's a, he's really had a problem. Yeah. I mean, the clip is worth finding. He's doing a podcast, I think with Woody Harrelson. Or, or, I don't know.

I didn't even see who else was on there. And it, no, it was Woody Harrelson and, and, uh, and Ted Dans't know. I didn't even see who else was on there. No, it was Woody Harrelson and Ted Danson. They have a podcast. Oh really? Yeah, they have a podcast. That's awesome. Yeah, apparently they're like best friends. Yeah, they did a show together.

No, I know that. But they're like legit still best friends. I didn't know that. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. But Josh Brolin's like, he was like, what got you to quit drinking? He said, you know, I woke up on the sidewalk.

Okay. Here's what I would say when I watch that clip and I met Josh Brolin and I don't know him, but I met him. He's the coolest dude. You know what Josh Brolin did? He got, he quit drinking, but he got fucking help. Like he fixed Josh Brolin.

Right. It wasn't the booze. It's the fucking dude inside the booze. But couldn't you argue that some dudes just can't handle booze? Sure, don't drink, I don't care. But, but like, but that's, that's few and far between. Most of the people that quit drinking are just like, like Stevo couldn't, Stevo is a better human being sober.

Okay. By far. What I'm talking about is the dudes who, that man, it's like, it's like they almost get in your head with like, you gotta be sober. And then all of a sudden you quit drinking, but you're like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but it's like, I think, you ready for this?

Yeah. I'm ready. I think a lot of dudes, I'm saying dudes, I'm not going to talk about women. I'm a man, I only talk about men. A lot of dudes get sober for the attention. And you got to realize, are you getting sober for the attention? Are you getting sober because you're sitting there going,

I want to tell people, I want to have a reason for people to root for me again. Like, hey,, I quit drinking. And you're like, oh, good for you. And then that's your thing. That's your new thing. But by the way, that's the same thing booze was for you. Booze was that same fucking thing. So in other words, instead of like trying to get

the attention that way, stick to who you were. Stick to who you are. Get drink, don't drink, or don't quit drinking. But just get it under control. Get it under control. Do this, go to the bar tonight, have a drink, and then don't drink or don't quit drinking. Yeah, but just get it under control Do this go to the bar tonight have a drink and then don't drink for one hour What about the person who's like, yeah, I can't do that. I don't know Well that shouldn't they quit then? Get a job on a boat

What happened? I don't know. I don't know if I could tell that guy. I don't know Oh, I think that's who we're talking to is like the person who's like, what do I do if I can't wait an hour? Oh I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I have a problem. You might have a problem. You might need to quit. We're gonna wrap up on that. Don't forget if you're trying to get your shit together, listen to Burt. He has good ideas. And just know that if you are trying to get your shit together, that there's one person in this world that will still love you, drunk or sober. If you fall off the wagon, I would still love you. If you decide to get sober, I'll still love you.

That's the way the world should work. And that's the people you need in your life. And you get more people like that in your life. Like my best friend, Tom Segura, who has loved me drunk, sober, fat, skinny, poor, rich, everything. Every single that's what you need. Not the fucking other stuff. That's true. And we love you and we thank you for watching and for listening. And we'll see you next week. There's one cave.