2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Is Jimmy Kimmel In The Illuminati? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

SPONSORS: Head to https://www.liquidiv.com and use code CAVE at checkout. Brought to you by BetterHelp, head to https://BetterHelp.com/BEARS today to get 10% off your first month. Make sure to catch the Chicago Street Race on July 7th at 4:30 PM Eastern on NBC. Go to https://Babbel.com/BEARS to get up to 60% off. We're back with another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week Tom and Bert are joined by talk show host and possible member of the Illuminati, Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy talks about his humble beginnings meeting Adam Corolla and the early Comedy Central shows he hosted, The Man Show and Win Ben Stein's Money.  They also talk about Bert's Kool-Aid habits, the proper way to pronounce Terrell Owen's name, going viral, Bob Hope's cul-de-sac of girlfriends, the best comedy duos, being honest, Dua Lipa, Ben Affleck, and so much more! Sacrifice some virgin blood and dig a tunnel to the kingdom of the lizards cause this is a good one. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 243 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know, we're in LA, there's people walking around, we just grabbed whoever we found next. Jimmy Kimmel's here. Wouldn't it be cool if we kept our podcast here? Yeah. Fucking asshole. You know, you were so lucky to get Corolla. What do you mean? He was just a great friend.

And Tom is such a selfish tax evading. It's a legal move. You know he's voting for Trump, right? I was just talking about Corolla. When I met him, he was 30. He's about to turn 60. So now I'm almost at the point where I've, I literally met him days before his 30th birthday. He was like, I gotta do something with my life.

And he showed up at the radio station I worked at. By the way, that's old to do that. Yeah. When you look back at life, you go 30. I mean, I was having kids, I think. And just to show up at a radio station and go, I'll do whatever. And where, had you met him at the station or no?

I met him at the station. It was, there was a boxing match. I was involved and I was one of the fighters with another guy who worked there. And they went on the air and the guy said, hey, we need a, like a boxing trainer. And Corolla came hoping to train the other guy. And I answered the door and I said, yeah, well, yeah,

let's train. And then we wound up just drinking snapples and not really training at all. But he didn't like legit can box, right? He's a, he was a boxing instructor. Yeah. And that's where we met, and at the time, he had never paid a dollar of taxes.

He was 30. And... This is so better! He, on Christmas Eve, for whatever reason, and if you know him, it's so out of character, it makes no sense at all. He brought one gift, and it was for my mother, and he bought my mother a robe,

and he was so proud of himself for buying this robe at an expensive store, not at Bed Bath & Beyond. And my mother was so touched by the robe that I was annoyed by it because it was like, all right, I bought you a fucking house. You're going on and on about this robe. And Adam's like, hey, see how soft that is. So wait, so wait, so like, you know, I forget,

I only know you guys as celebrities, really, honestly. That's how we prefer it. Was there, when you guys were doing the Man Show and knowing where Adam's grooming came from, was there times where you were like, can you believe this is fucking happening to us? Yeah, well, you said grooming, I thought of that literally

because I do remember quite vividly, right before the Man Show one night, Adam went into, he went in to take a leak and he pees only in the sink, and his toothbrush. I'm fucking loving him more and more. His toothbrush was in the sink, and I was like, what are you doing? You're peeing on your own toothbrush.

He's like, I'm around, I'm peeing around it. He only pisses in the sink? He only pisses in the sink. Why? He was tall. He likes it, I think he likes resting his balls on the counter. Yeah, it does feel good.

That feels good. It's not that I haven't done it, I think he likes resting his balls on the counter. Yeah, it does feel good. That feels good. It's not that I haven't done it. I mean, let's be clear, but yeah, Adam's grooming. He doesn't believe in shampoo or soap. He's got a theory that you never see a bald homeless person and that's because they're not shampooing their hair. And so he doesn't do it. And he said he gave it up almost entirely

until he wound up, it was like 40 days in and he got had pink eye and both. And we never laughed harder. That is gnarly, dude. Oh, yeah. There was a time there was a time when I just started comedy where everything you guys touched was fucking gold. Crank Yankers was like, Crank Yankers was so fucking hysterical.

Well thank you. Yeah that was, and we had an extensive conversation about Windy City Heat when we were in Vegas. Windy City Heat, hold on, can you deep dive that for a second for people that don't know? Well you're missing out, and you could probably still. It's on YouTube. Can you watch it on YouTube?

Somebody upscaled it to 4K on YouTube. Jesus Christ. So it was pretty good. Wow. Comedy Central, this is a movie and I won't, it doesn't do it, there's no good. It's impossible. Nothing can do it justice.

It's like American movie. You ever seen American movie? It's impossible to explain. It is so beautifully orchestrated. But it was, at the time, the lowest rated movie in the history of Comedy Central. They aired it once. It was on one time.

Do you remember how many times Comedy Central used to run their movies? Like, Mannequin 2 would be on six times a week. I'm also thinking about how many times I've seen it. I'm like, no, it's not once. I'm literally thinking. He said, I've put that DVD in a hundred times. I must have seen that one viewing a hundred times.

Well, the thing is, it's, I mean, it's hard to explain and I guess in a way, but it's almost like the longest prank ever recorded and on someone. I think it is, I think it must be. It's certainly the longest high profile prank ever. I mean, it's a basically one of the guys you see at 2 a.m. at the store, and you guys convince this person, everybody's in on it,

everybody's in on it except for the Mark. Perry. Perry. Is he still alive? Oh yeah. Yeah, doing well. He actually does a show that's on YouTube and on like Twitch or something like that,

and it's set in his apartment, and he seems to have about 400 hardcore fans who watch every episode. and on Twitch or something like that. And it's set in his apartment, and he seems to have about 400 hardcore fans who watch every episode. And they'll pay him like $5 to swallow a pickle without biting it and send weird shit. They send McDonald's to his house non-stop, and he hates McDonald's, and so he gets madder and madder.

And the whole thing is about getting him madder and madder. I mean, they're essentially doing what you guys did, which is just like, but the whole thing is about getting him matter and matter and matter. They're essentially doing what you guys did, which is just like, but the fun was, is they're like, you're up for a massive motion picture, and you're up against stars. Bruce Willis. Yeah. And then he gets the part, and then you, as the viewer, follow this journey of him starring in a film,

and everybody is in on it. Wasn't Bobcat the director? Bobcat directed it, yeah. Dane's in it. Yeah, Dane's in it. Dane plays Roman Polanski. Everybody's got a fake name, except for Bobcat, who actually has a fake name.

But pretty much everybody has a fake name. It's, here's the thing, I told you, it's like, it is like a test of someone's humor to me. That's how I feel too. Yeah, yeah, you just go like, what'd you think? And if they're like, I don't really, you're just like, yes. I even apply it to women.

Like, we can't be together if you don't like this. Oh yeah, no, for sure. I did that with David Tells. I mean, literal, so many tears watching that, like, crying. Thank you, thank you. That's, yeah, that was a that was something that That's probably the thing that I I've done been involved with that. I've seen the most times Most of the stuff I rarely will look at but that's so great if you could go back in your career

I do this sometimes my first show was the competing show. I was hired after the ex show, right? Yes, talk about that because I've all you know I thought that I thought I thought I'd never right we have to talk about that because I You know, I thought that I thought I thought I'd never be friends with you because of that I heard you on a podcast one time say I have a list I keep a list Yeah, but I would never hold it against the talent on the show. Yeah, but I will tell you that that show the X show Which you were on We made a pilot for ABC of the man show and they hated it They're like we're never of course, we're not gonna put this on ABC. And then a bunch of cable networks,

so we wanna put it on and one of them was FX, one of them was Comedy Central and maybe TBI, I forget, there were a few networks interested in it, which seemed normal to us, which it wasn't normal at all, we're just a couple of fucking disc jockeys really. And we went with Comedy Central, and I had a meeting with FX, and they brought me in, and they said, we really want this show,

and I was like, you know, okay, well, we'll see, and then they said, you know what, we're gonna do a show, a talk show, and they basically described the man show. So they saw the pilot, and they developed this show to beat us to the punch, because we still had to shoot 26 episodes of the show. And they put it on before our show went on

and we were so mad, not only that, we shot in the same lot. Like, next door. You could, with the tennis ball. I used to see their cars were in front of my green room and they had Mercedes and I remember going like, and we did not have Mercedes. And their cars were parked in front of our fucking green rooms.

I will say that it was an eight year old Mercedes, but it was a Mercedes. Yeah, yeah, it's cool. And yeah, we were like, and in fact, on our first night, our premiere, they ran an ex-show promo in the middle of our show. We're all like, motherfucker, we're so bad. They used to, you ready for cool Hollywood gossip? Jimmy and Adam would roll in in costume to our catering and eat lunch there.

Is that true? Did we do that? 100 fucking percent. That may have been accidental. You guys rolled in and they were like, is that Adam Carolla eating our lunch? That sounds like an Adam thing. It might have just been Adam. It definitely was Adam, and I always wrote it to both of you guys, and they were like, is that Adam Carolla eating our lunch? That sounds like an Adam thing. It might have just been Adam.

I definitely was Adam and I always wrote it to both of you guys and I was like, I want to meet them and they're like, they're not going to like you. But it was, if you could go back to any part in your career, because when I did the X show, I didn't realize how good I had it to have a day and date show that I could show up every day, make money. And like, I just kind of do it for granted And then it goes away and you're like, fuck. If you go back to any show that you've done and do genres of your current show,

but like the man show, radio, right when Kimmel came out, the period where it was like, sorry if I'm talking wild, but when it was you and Sarah and Matt Damon was coming on, we're like, where are you at now at now was your favorite part of television? Oh I would have to say that the most exciting thing for me because I was on a game show when Ben Stine's money I was about to say yeah. Yeah, it's funny

I just was with John Stewart and we did a bit where I dropped them off outside of Arby's and I was telling him I used to shoot when Ben Stine's money next to this Arby's, and every day I'd get off the radio at K-Rock, 10 a.m., I'd drive to Arby's, I'd get two roast beef sandwiches, I'd go to my dressing room, I'd devour both sandwiches, I'd take an hour and a half nap, and then I'd shoot the game show for the whole rest of the day.

That was my day every single day. But for me, the coolest thing, the best thing was when we had our own office at the Man Show. I remember them showing us our office on the lot, and I was just like, holy shit. That's official, right? You feel like you're, cause you always hear about when somebody has a deal or like an over,

you know, like one of those things where they're like, they have an office on a lot. You're like, that's a legit person. It was, and it was, and we could hire pretty much whoever we wanted to like they didn't care who we hired. And I had never been in a position like that. I mean, I'd been just fired. I'd been the fucking, I was the sports guy at K-Rock in LA.

You know, I was, I'd been fired from radio station after radio station after radio station. I'd never hired anyone in my whole life and suddenly we're hiring 150 people. Wow. And that was, I think it's funny because sometimes I do look back on it and I go, I wish I could get that, have that feeling again.

You do, I know it sounds cliche, but the climb is so much fun. It's so exciting. And then when you get to a certain spot, it's less so. And I wish I could have gone back and alerted myself to that, but. There's no way, right? There's no way to fully appreciate what's happening

as it's happening. It's kind of like you have to look back on it. You have to be a psychopath to really appreciate your life as it's happening. Yeah. It's like fucking your wife when she's 35 and you're like, eh, and then she's 53, you're like, I'd love to go back to 35.

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spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash bears. Rules and restrictions may apply. I really took it. I really fucking missed those days. You ever go back and look at like old pictures and like people like, you know, women or whatever you thought were on a tractor and like, she looks pretty good.

Yeah. I want to go back to all my friends' moms and see who I banged out. Oh yeah, right. Cause now I'm like, they were 40. Yeah. I would fucking clean that up. Yeah, I got a short list Who's not who's at the top?

Got edited out bunny Casper But Casper was a fucking don't keep it in fuck it bunny Casper bunny Casper was a fucking dime We would have her hair make us peanut butter and jellies We're in ninth grade and I would I would fucking, our hands were on this. She was fucking. How's her kid doing? He's one of the richest men in Florida. Oh, that's cool. Is he really?

Is he the mattress guy? No, he owned all the McDonald's in Florida. He owns all the McDonald's and just ran for mayor or something in Tampa. He's one of my best friends. He's like really doing great, doesn't drink anymore. He's really kind of killing it life. Yeah, bunny's dead.

Dude. Oh, bunny's dead? Gotta edit this one, just clean this up a little bit. Bunnies don't live that long. I thought you were saying buddy the whole time. It's my mom buddy. My mom buddy. I was like, she sounds gross.

Dude, I had a lot of fucking hot moms. I had a fucking ton. My mom wasn't one of them, but I know what came to my house. There's a few, there was a couple that were alarming. You were like, one where you meet someone and it's in a group and then you see them, you're like, that's your mom. And then he already knows he's like, yes, he's heard it from and then you see them, you're like, that's your mom. And he already knows, he's like, yes. Like he's heard it from everybody, you know?

And then mom's like a fucking smoke show. I bet Charla was a piece. No, I mean, maybe like in her. When you were in high school, I bet she was fucking hot as shit. No. You ever seen Tom's mom? Yeah, yeah.

I'd still hit it. Jesus. I got some pics for you, I'll show you. Also on When Ben Sighs Money, you were always fucking so quick. I feel like you watch it and you're like, oh man, he is just on it. Did you prep for that show?

I've always wanted to ask that. Because you just have things just ready to go. Not really. You can't really. It's, I read through the game show questions. So I knew how to pronounce things, but no, not really. Damn, you were great on that. Why are you so good?

Yeah. Because you're, so like, you can tell when I, you can tell that. That's a wonderful question I appreciate it. I don't want to run past it, but no but like you're you're so Effortlessly funny like you don't look like well, so are you guys? I mean, what's the answer? I don't know for me the answer is almost everyone in my family's funny I think you know yeah, I just happen to be the one who's on TV

Yeah, you've always brought your family around too. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. My son Kevin is here with me. My cousin Sal works on the show. Yeah. My cousin Sal's probably number one on the funny list. Sal forever.

He's been on the, right? Because we've seen him on the show forever. Yeah. Sal is one of these guys who, he's hard to describe, but he was like selling parlay cards when he was 12, you know, in school. And he's just a guy, like, if you met him, like the first eight times you meet him, you'd be like, yeah, he's pretty funny, he's right.

And then the night time you're like, oh, oh yeah, he's the funniest person I've ever met. Because he'll remember weird, like, we'd have this quick conversation about Bunny and then 11 years later, you'd say something about someone and be like, but is she as hot as Bunny Casper? And you'd be like, what the fuck? How do you remember that?

It's a weird, he has this weird Rolodex where he's able to access anything at any time. I feel like I was the least funny person in my family. Of your immediate family? Yeah, like everyone was funnier than me. Who's the funniest? My sister, Cotty, without a fucking doubt. Without a doubt. Does she have a beard. No, no she I

Don't want to I don't want to fucking waste time telling great stories, but a ton story But you know, I want to hear a great story, but it's it's Keep those to yourself Her first day working at Fox she gets her very very first day, it's screener day, everyone wants her screeners. So they go, just don't worry about it. Just get a format email, cut and paste it. Send them to Tim Jews at the studio store.

She's like, how do I spell that? And they're like, it's like the people, Tim Jews. So she writes a letter, cuts and pastes it, spell corrects it, sends it out to everyone in the lot, 150 people. The next day she shows up. This is her second day at Fox. And first once she gets it from South MacFarland, there's only one spell check to change it to the Jew in the studio store. Please talk to the Jew. The Jew can help you. I can't help you, but the Jew can. She has always been the funniest fucking person. Well, that sounds more like she's careless than funny.

Yeah, yeah. You know. Yeah, I was always, I was always, I think I've never been, like, I think I'm loud. No, that's for sure. What else? What's your other qualities? Shameless.

The answer is I cast a large awake. I cast a large awake. I think I'm energy. You do bring a lot of energy. Yeah. You know, I found out about you guys and what really like got me interested in you and started and made me start listening is when you made the revelation,

or had the realization that you didn't realize that Burt was drinking a huge container of Kool-Aid. Yes, yeah. And then you didn't realize that that was a bad thing, which is just fantastic. Yeah, that's amazing. That explains our relationship so well. Because I really was like it was during Cobra. I was trying to stay hydrated. It's very important Everyone's like vitamin D and cool it or vitamin D of water and I was I was so proud that you were gonna go

Oh, dude, you're staying hydrated It is even better. It is our it is our relationship I remember driving to Brea with Tom one time and he he goes, hey man, you burp a lot. And I went, I do? And he goes, 16 times the last 30 minutes. I said, really? And then I started burping, I go, God, I do burp a lot. He's like, no, it's aggressive.

And it smells, and we're in the same car, you gotta roll down a window. I am oblivious. Yeah, he also, I remember one time, he took me to open for him in Sacramento and we drove up there and on the drive back, so like days later we're driving back from Sacramento. And I would be like, yeah, so, you know, where'd you go to high school? And he'd be like, you know, whatever, this school in Tampa and then he would just like

really give you a detailed answer. How'd you start a standup? I was hanging out with this guy, and I went to this bar, and I did this, and then we moved to New York, and I was working at this club, and I went to the Boston Comedy Club, and he would tell me this long,

and I'd be like, okay. And then we were just, we're like almost back to LA. He's like, you know, you don't say much. And I go, yeah, you haven't stopped talking though. You just, you answer everything for like an hour. You don't give me like a fucking sentence. It's not ideal for a deposition. No, I remember at one point I'd known Tom like,

I think 20 years and I was like, you have a sister? He's like, I have two. I have two. I was like, shut the fuck up. How can we not ever talk about something like that? Yeah, by the way, that's this year. That's not one time. That was this year.

But to not know that Kool-Aid is bad for you, it's like you're not a stupid person. I mean, you do a lot of stupid stuff. Hold on, hold on. It's fucking low calorie Kool-Aid. Just to intellectually not know that it's not good to drink that much Kool-Aid. A gallon?

Now I've had that when I was a kid, like when I was not a kid, but when I was in my early 20s, I used to go to this, I lived in Seattle, I would go to this bar every day after work. They had early happy hour. For sailors, you're people, right? Yeah.

So we would go to this bar and they had salmon and chips and I would eat this Friday, it was fish and chips made with salmon, which is great, by the way. And I would have, they had Heineken in these like frozen glasses and salmon and chips. And I would have a few Heineken's and the salmon and chips every day, and I was so proud of myself that I was eating fish every night.

And I was like, I'm eating healthy. Deep fried every day. That's cool. And then as I always do, I would get mad at my parents for not teaching me more things. You know, you're coming to the door. How did you not tell me? Why, no one said anything about this?

Like, there's no talk of nutrition. I would eat a whole pound of pasta without a second thought, the whole box. Wait, did you grow up in Seattle? I grew up in Vegas. That's right, Vegas. But then you moved to Seattle? One of my radio jobs was there.

My first paying radio job was at a station in Seattle. Oh shit. Yeah. And was Vegas like, everybody has like a weird take on what it must be like. Was it? It's not as weird as most people think it would be. Like I played Little League and you know,

I was in the marching band and shit like that. But. Was it a bunch of moms in fur coats with glasses doing coke going, come on, let's go, let's go baby, let's go? Not in, you know, most of my parents' friends were, well my parents didn't have friends, but most of my friends' parents were like dealers

and like my best friend who's my band leader, he lived right across the street from me. His dad was a room service butler, but he, like his main guy was Sammy Davis Jr. and Bill Cosby. So he was friends with Sammy Davis Jr. Like they had the first big screen TV in the neighborhood because Sammy would do his run at Caesar's Palace

and then say, here's this projection TV and here's this Betamax and take these things home. And then my uncle Frank was a security guard at Caesar's and he like worked for Frank Sinatra. Uncle Frank was on the show. Uncle Frank was a security guard at Caesars, and he worked for Frank Sinatra. Uncle Frank was on the show. Uncle Frank was on the show, yeah. And it was normal to us, but also we understood it wasn't normal.

And so you had this weird mix of what, in those days, was a small town, but also big celebrities kinda coming through. You know, one thing, I get asked this by people I grew up with all the time, but I imagine with your job, you have to have a much better answer than I've ever had, which is, have you ever been spooked,

like in a starstruck way, by anybody? Because you get so used to it, you're like, yeah, it's fine, but who has shook you? Well, I will tell you, one thing that you never really get over is when a guest is strikingly beautiful. And I've never been good at talking to attractive women in my life, and I'm no better at it now. So every once in a while, like, Gal Gadot comes on the show and you're like,

Jesus Christ, what am I gonna collect myself? What am I gonna do here? But yeah, for sure. I mean, some of the people, like David Letterman, for me it's always like the first time is never, like first time they're on the show is not that good because I'm so frazzled by it. Like I had Springsteen on

and I think I talked the whole fucking time, you know, he barely said anything. But the second time is usually a lot better. How about sports-wise? Did you have sports people that freaked you out? Yeah, I mean, for me, my favorite baseball player growing up was Steve Garvey. Buddy, fuck yeah, he's from Tampa.

He's from Tampa, that's right. Fucking Steve Garvey. So that was a big one. That was, yeah, that was like, and of course people are like, yeah, he's from Tampa. He's from Tampa. That's right fucking Steve. That was a big one That was yeah, that was like and of course people are like, yeah, right, you know it's cuz I think for me that people ask me and I go, you know, like I've met actors and and everything you're kind of like yeah. Yeah, but Especially a sports person that you watched as a kid Yeah, nothing quite like the impact of the because they're like superheroes when you're a kid.

So when you meet, I mean, I met Icky Woods, and I was like. Really? He's from UNLV. Icky Woods is a Vegas guy. And I was, we were on a flight, and I was like, I had trouble like putting words together. It is funny, like there's a guy who was on the UNLV runner Rebels basketball team that I worship, these guys,

who's like a driver now. And like every once in a while, he'll come pick me up or he'll drop somebody off at our show. And I'm always like, it's kind of depressing, but also it was like, I think it's a bit of a thrill for him because I get really excited to see him. Yeah. Dude, that squad was the shit.

Oh yeah. And my cousin was at UNLV at that time. Me too. Oh yeah, so yeah, you guys were in school together and he goes, I had a class with Stacey Ogman. He goes, he came to class once. And he sat like this with his foot on the chair, like the table in front of him.

You know, people say that about the UNLV basketball team, but I think most people who I went to college with would tell you that I also went to class once. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. It's cause it's UNLV basketball team, but I think most people who I went to college with would tell you that I also went to class once. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. It's because it's UNLV, you know? Yeah, Stacey Ogman, Larry Johnson. Larry Johnson. Greg Anthony.

Incredible. I love those guys. Incredible, and Tark biting the towel. Jerry Tarkadian. Yeah, it's another guy. Tark, for me, was a big deal. Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah, so you got to interview him. And yeah, there's quite a few of those guys.

But then the weird thing is when your favorite athletes are so much younger than you are, it's kind of depressing and it also makes you feel like a fool. All the athletes we meet now, active athletes, like I'm like, you're a kid, like you look like a little kid. Like you're physically big, but you're like,

they're like 24, and you're a child. Yeah, it's crazy. Christian McCaffrey. Christian McCaffrey was in our green room in one of the Super Bowl shows. I was so impressed by him. And I was like, hey, take a picture with my wife real quick. Leigh Ann, feel his chest.

And he was like, she's like, he's a child. And I was like, oh yeah, that's right. I shouldn't feel his chest either then I guess. I think at any age, it's a weird thing to say. He is rock hard. He is rock hard. Oh, I got drunk and I was like, 10 grand, can I catch you in this room? And he was like, what? I go, can I catch you?

Give me, give me 10 minutes. You think I can catch you and hold you down? And he leans in and he goes, buddy, there's guys that get paid millions of dollars to catch me and they can't do it. He's like, your answer is no. I feel like you could. How big was the room?

It was small. You know, I really felt the same way too. I feel like I got that Cinderella story energy. You can't run out of bounds in a room, you know? Yeah. That's right. Lock the door, you're gonna catch him. Let land touch his chest.

You'll get him eventually. Yeah, you hold him down and then touch him, touch him. Maybe he'll not be so hard next time you see him. Yeah. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Comparison is the thief of joy. And it's easy to Envy other people's lives. I've definitely been guilty of this. It might look like they have it all together on their Instagram. God does that

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$45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 per month new customers on first three month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply see mint mobile for details what do you think those glutes are like dude his I would love like I would root roofie athletes just to look at their bodies. You ever see, you ever met T.O.? Oh yeah. To his back. It's like a deformity.

He's got lats that protrude like fucking hard dicks on the back of his, I mean, it's fucking massive. It's like there's other dicks on him. Yeah. He's got a whole lot. Yeah, I think I presented with him at the ESPYs once. Really? Yeah, and we decided, well, I decided

that we're gonna wear the same outfit, and, because he always dressed very flashy, and so we needed to know what his outfit would be so I could match his outfit, and he just wouldn't tell us until about nine minutes before the show. We finally had to go to his hotel room and go, let us see your fucking clothes already.

We did a, it was Burt's pilot. I was a writer on the pilot for Comedy Central. And he was the guest. He was like the lead guest. And the girl was British, who was- Layla K. Lee. And she was doing the intro. So, you know, whatever, all pro receiver, da da da.

And she goes, Terrell Owens. And he's like, nah. So we're in the back and he's like, what? And he's like, it's Terrell. And we're like, oh, okay. So everyone had clapped. He's like, do it again. So she does it again, Tyrell, the second time.

And we're like, ah, fuck. And he's like, you got one more shot at this. So then she does it right the third time. And we still had people on staff like walking in the halls, like, hey, I want to get this over to Tyrell. I was like, did you not just fucking watch the last few minutes? If you say Tyrell, he's leaving.

Say Terrell. And they were like, that's not Terrell. So they were still debating how to say his name. I go, he just fucking threatened to walk off the show. But it's an unusual- And it's not a Hasan Minhaj kind of scenario where he said it wrong also. Just for the fucking record, Hasan Minhaj said his name incorrectly for a long time.

And I'm still calling him Hasan Minhaj. It's Hasan Minhaj. I know, he's told me a couple times this week. Okay. This week. This week I said it on stage, I can't stop saying it. I'm remembering now presenting with Terrell Owens at that SB show and we had some script plan,

we had some film plan that we're gonna do and he decided he had hidden his new autobiography in his clothes, and he decided in the middle of our bit, he's gonna pull out his book and plug his book, which he didn't bother to tell me about, and it totally fucked up our thing. So he pulls out his book and he's like, this is my new book, or whatever,

and I said, there's some really erotic gay stuff in there. And he was, and everybody laughed at him. And he was pissed off at me. But I was more pissed off at him for fucking our fit. Yeah, screwing it up on you, yeah. But do you get nervous for stuff anymore? Sometimes, you know, it's weird. Like, I'm not nervous at the Oscars, really, at all.

Oh wow. But if I had to give a toast at somebody's birthday party, I would be very nervous. What was, how, like, do you over-prepare for the Oscars? Because that feels like a high pressure. Yeah, I do, I do. Yeah, I'm so prepared that I'm not worried at all.

And what's the, I mean, is that the key to it? Because it feels like, whenever you see people doing things in the, you know, it's in the comedy realm, right, you're presenting, you're hosting, you know, people go like, oh, would you want to do that? I was like, fucking no way. Fucking no. But there's got to be, like, having done it, what would you advise someone to do who's gonna do it? Well, I have, it's, it's kind of a formula that I think I figured out from doing a lot of award shows. Like, I hosted the American Music Awards five times

I hosted the ESPYs with LeBron once I hosted the Emmys a few times I was a bunch of shit So I kind of figured it out and it's just like it's basically ten minutes at the top and then six other bits throughout the show okay, and then you have to leave some room for Improvisation or commenting on what's going on in the show. And if you can, you guys know, like if you can mix, like if you can come out and, you know, on stage, and you refer to, especially, this is actually a great,

I think, bit of advice for a talk show guest. If you come out and you talk about something that just happened, something maybe that was in the monologue or the previous guest, the audience thinks everything is completely off the cuff. They just, it, it, it. Right, none of this is, yeah, that's true. Oh, he's just riffin', you know?

Yeah. And I figured that out once when I was on Letterman, and they had Stupid Petricks and the dog bit Letterman on the face, and Dave was bleeding during my segment, like his face was bleeding, which is not a usual thing on the show. And I did something about how I wanted to have that animal destroyed and I went on whatever and I pulled a wrinkled, crumpled tissue out of my pocket for Dave's face. That wasn't actually a joke.

I just wanted to touch up the blood, but Dave didn't want my tissue on his face. And then I realized like, oh, all these jokes really work. You know, you plan out the stuff when you're doing a talk show like that, especially Letterman, and they just felt natural. You're like, your show's like Letterman, in my opinion. Conan was like Letterman a little bit too, in that Letterman, when I did Letterman,

they were like, you got two minutes with him, we don't know what he's gonna say. So even the pre-interview, which you give a ton of, he's got it all, but he goes up and he decides where it goes. Which makes it so much more fucking fun. It's like, you know where you could go, but it's not gonna go there. You know what I mean?

And I think that's what's fun. I know that's what I enjoy about doing your show. Well, thank you. I think for me, I do, if there's material, I wanna know what I mean? And I think that's what's fun. I know that's what I enjoy about doing your show. Well, thank you. I think for me, I do, if there's material, I want to know what it is so I don't step on your punchline. That's the thing. Because I know like sometimes you feel like a story might be over and it's not over

and I might move on to the next thing and I don't want to fuck somebody up in that regard. So that's always in my head. That's the only reason I want to know. I'd prefer not to know anything You know best-case scenario, but Because I want to make sure the guests Tells their stories and gets there That's very cool laughs that I want to know what the end is where the other hosts cool to you when you got the show

No, I'll answer that There's my favorite story I tell the story to everyone in Hollywood The thing that made Jimmy special was that your premiere got 3 million viewers that night, but it was 3 million viewers that no one else had. No one's numbers changed. He brought a brand new 3 million people to the show that were not watching fucking television. And all of a sudden you like raised the bar and then as his ratings grew, and 3 million is probably just the number I have in my head, but as your ratings grew, no one's numbers were changing and he was bringing brand new

people to the fucking show and it pissed. It didn't piss Letterman off, right? Right. It did piss Letterman off, but it pissed other people off. Well, yeah, I had a whole thing with Leno during that time. You don't remember it? Especially guess-wise. I remember you doing what?

Didn't you do the makeup? Did you do a Leno impression too? I did, yeah, when Leno was, I did a couple, once when they had the OJ trial, I don't know if you remember, Leno testified in the OJ, no, Michael Jackson, sorry, not OJ, Michael Jackson trial, and E had a reenactment of the trial every day, because, and by the way, I don't know why nobody's doing this

with the Trump trial right now, but every day they'd have the trial, and the next day E would take the whole script from the trial, and they had actors playing every part, and then you'd get to watch the Michael Jackson trial. Well, I knew Leno was coming up. I knew he was going to be, he was going to be part of the,

he was going to be called to the stand, and I said, let me play Leno on the thing. And so I played Leno. But yeah, I did it after the Conan thing. I played Leno one night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the cool thing about you though is that. I'm an asshole.

No, but when everyone was buttoned up, you had your opinion. Like everyone was buttoned up and you were the one guy that came out. Well, I had no choice really. I mean, the truth is I was just like, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I'd never done standup in my life.

I'd always been with another guy, always with Adam or with Ben Stein, running through or just doing sports shit on Fox. And I just had no choice. I just kind of had to figure it out. But if you do look back at those shows, they're absolutely terrible. I mean, there's nothing good about them. Like if I get like two good laughs in the course

of an hour, I'd be like, we had a pretty good show tonight. Yeah, but that show was wild when you started. It was crazy. It was wild. There was a fun, that part of it was fun, but it was so inconsistent and also sometimes like I think people tend to remember, even watching Johnny Carson, what do you remember? You remember the guy throwing the hatchet and you remember the highlights you remember? We don't remember that horrible Wednesday night

when you had the host of Are You Hot or Not on, and Lorenzo Lamas is your fucking lead guest. And I didn't even write the monologue. I just went out there and just talked about stuff. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea. And the show was live too, so there was no editing. If something went badly, it went badly, that was it. I was at a taping of your show

when The Roots were a musical guest. And so this is obviously like way before they're, they're not like, they're known, but they weren't like, not everybody knew The Roots. And they were, I remember like Questlove had a camcorder, like a little, he was like recording everything, you know? Like they were like so excited to be there. Cause I had like some paths where I could like stand and watch them. I thought that was so cool to see them excited to be there. Cause I had like some paths where I could like stand

and watch them. I thought that was so cool to see them excited to be there. Yeah, well they were in the minority for sure. A lot of the celebrities didn't know who I was and didn't know why they were there. And we also used to have a guest host. I remember that. And sometimes the guest host was much more famous

than I was and the celebrities wouldn't even talk to me. My own guests would get in a conversation with the guest host, and I'd be kind of like, just, they'd felt like a party, you know, where I'd just be standing in the corner quietly while they had a conversation. That's hilarious. But you had a bar that everyone went to and had.

Yeah, we still had the bar. The bar is kind of- But no one parties there, like I got to do, I did your show, probably, I don't know, I couldn't even tell you what year it was, but it had to be before I had kids. It was before I had kids, it would be the 2003 or 2002. I did stand up on your show, I murdered.

I fucking murdered. I did such a good set. I did such a good set and then went back to that bar and drank pretty much by myself. Like everyone was back there, but I was like fucking so excited to just go, go, go. I think at the time yeah, and yeah you were you there Yeah, you went to the show and that back bar was so fucking that was our first year probably because we went on at 2003 Yeah, how do you 2003 cuz Isla was born Georgia was born in 2004 yeah that bar was

Plus you know we do the show at 4.30 now, so it's different. It's 5.30 when the show's over. It's like, the bar though, we did the show then from nine to 10 p.m. every night. And it was, every single night there was a party going on and, you know, I'm like, fuck, I got two kids. I gotta figure out what the fuck we're gonna do the next day.

Oftentimes we had no guests the next day, and everybody, my whole staff was just raging every night, and I would inevitably arrive at the show the next morning and there was nary a car in the parking lot. And I would get so mad, I'd be like, why the fuck am I the only one working here? Do you remember when Ralphie fell down your stairs? Oh boy, do I remember. Did you ever see that, Tom? Yeah, yeah I did. Yeah. Am I the only one working here? Do you remember when Ralphie fell down your stairs?

Ever see that Tom? Yeah. Yeah, I did. Yeah, that was you know, and then he claimed it He did it on purpose, which is just no way that that's true Yeah, and then we hooked him up to a lie detector test. I know we hooked him up to a pie detector test We hooked him up to a lie detector test and and we kind of went along with it because we started feeling bad for him because he was, you know, the idea that he, Ralphie May, what did Ralphie weigh? 225, 230. 230. No, it varied.

It varied. 230, I'm about 430. No, yeah, it got, at one point he got over six. Ralphie May was on your show after last comic standing. Do not put the camera on me on this, okay? He was on, Jimmy goes six Ralphie May was on your show after last comic standing do not put the camera On me on this. Okay. Here's all and Jimmy goes Ralphie. How did you lose and Ralphie goes, you know, hey Do you remember that yes Ralphie and Jeff Ross, you know, we're really tight Yeah. And I was up in Montreal for Jeff's roast battle.

I was one of the judges on Jeff's roast battle. And Jeff, you know, we would pick who won. And Jeff ruled against Ralphie. He picked the other comic. And I don't think they ever spoke again. Ralphie was so mad at Jeff. We were there. We were there.

Oh, you guys were there. It was when we met Jimmy Carr. Yeah, Jimmy Carr was one of the other guys murdered. He's one of the guys but he I really get he went up against Mike Lawrence and he you know, that's what Mike eviscerated to he goes, I took my I picked Mike and Jimmy Carr was very upset with me. But I didn't pick him because he was reading from a clipboard and I feel that's unacceptable. I remember you saying that when he was picked who was reading from the clipboard Jimmy Carr. Yeah. Oh, and Jimmy was mad at you for doing that

Yeah, he was upset with me for picking the other guy who was very Mike who was very funny And Mike was not reading from a clipboard and so yeah Mike there's like there's the video of the Mike Ralphie one. It's oh, yeah, that was bad. You remember you guys you guys remember that I remember I remember weird things it went in somehow my cousin Sal got in the middle of it, and there was a drama that went on, and we thought it was going to be over the next day, and then it wasn't, and it wasn't over for weeks and months, and it was a whole fucking thing.

God, I remember that. I remember hanging with Ralphie that night. It was rough because... Ralphie was mad. Well, Ralphie didn't prepare. He thought he'd just go up and yo mama him. And he'd know that Mike Lawrence, the one joke Mike Lawrence had was like, fuck. Wait, that was at that though?

Yes. That's when it was at? You know, Seth Rogen was the judges. And Seth and I are walking to the stage and he just hands me, he's smoking a joint of course, and he hands me a joint. And I just, just out of reflex's smoking a joint, of course, and he hands me a joint and I just just just out of reflex Hit it a couple of times and then I was like, oh shit

We're about to go on the we're about to do the show and you know, I don't that's not something I do. Yeah I was like I was so parrots like I gotta fucking keep it together because you know seth is smoking some serious weed Yeah, and I was for the first 40 minutes. I was fully panicked that everyone knew I was high. Yeah, yeah. No, that's what I can't do. I've done it before. I've done sets high that are actual nightmares that will wake me up. I can't do it.

Me neither. And the whole time, you hear a cup move, like a a glass on the table and you're like, what was that? I can't, I can't perform like that. But I remember that Ralphie was like, in that, in that battle was like, yeah, he switched once, once he got like lit up with like a really good one, he was like, you so gay, you look like you just suck dick all day or whatever. And it wasn't like a crafted, you know, joke. And then, and then Mike had another one ready,

like another brutal one ready. And it just got, it went blank. Mike killed him. And I don't remember exactly what his angle was, but it wasn't fat. And that's what really killed him. It was about his divorce. It was about his wife.

It was about his divorce. It was about his divorce, about his wife leaving him. It's about his divorce. God, Jesus Christ. He got a 500 pound man, you don't even mention that he's fat. It was brutal. If anyone can find that set. Oh, you can find it. It is so brutal.

There's a joke he has about his ring. I forget what it about taking his, couldn't take his ring off his finger or something. It was brutal. Was it an onion ring? I'm so bad. How was the Roast experience for you guys? Fucking terrifying. Was it?

Yeah. I got fucked face next to me going, we're about to bomb. We're about to bomb. We're going to get a dick. We're about to bomb. We're going to get a dick. We're going to fucking do this. She stole it. She stole it.

Everyone was terrified. You know, I woke up the next morning and then I got a bunch of videos of people making fun of me reading people's prompter, which I go, which I goes, it's, it is funny. Then there's a part of me that goes, I wish I was cooler. I wish I hadn't done that. But then there's a part of you that goes, well, I wish I was cooler. I wish I hadn't done that. But then there's a part of you going, okay, I'm just a fucking comic. Like, do you still get that where you go,

yeah, I get it, I get it. Or do you know what I mean? I mean, I have to say, it's rare that I feel like wounded by something that I see online. But the last time I felt very wounded was after I went to your guys show and you guys posted some pictures with me and all your fans fucking hate me.

No. I'm sure you noticed. I mean it was so overwhelming. I definitely noticed. You must have noticed. I said, Tom, have you posted your pictures yet? I take the ones that Kimmel out. That would probably be wise.

There's this like, you know, group amongst fans that are always the loudest. Yeah, I know, it's only like 95, 98%. Yeah, yeah. But they always, the people. Well, there's an idea, I think, that somehow I betrayed this group of men in comedy. Somehow I was the man. But I was always exactly like this, exactly always.

Yeah, the content of the show was different. That hate that goes your way is because you stood up for healthcare, they're just mad that you actually used your platform for something good that offends them. I don't know if it's that. I think it is. You've busted Trump's balls. Yeah, I think they're, well, that's part of it, but I think they, usually people like busting balls in general, whatever it is, but I think what it is,

is there's this idea that I somehow made an adjustment in order to be part of Hollywood. Oh yeah. Or something. Yeah. Which is just really not true. made an adjustment in order to be part of Hollywood or something. Which is just really not true. And also that I have some kind of some level of like political correctness and well obviously there are things I care about whatever but when it comes to comedy I don't care what anybody does. I mean I don't I have I've never criticized another comic for what they what they

never never. So, but you think that that hatred for you is Illuminati based? Like that you have- They think I'm in the Illuminati? Yeah, yeah. No, I don't think it's even that deep. I think it's a pretty small percentage of people

that actually believe there is an Illuminati. And if there is, I would love to be a part of it. I really would. Oh buddy, I was gonna say- If there is, and they are black, they part of it, I really would. There is and they are black. They believe that, like, if you've seen, did you see, I did, I don't know if you've seen that I did a clip where I had, it went completely viral. I was, I had Duncan Trussell on and we were talking about all this like, you know, behind

the scenes Hollywood stuff and I just very genuinely, genuinely said, you know, to get my first special, I didn't have to do anything sexual, but I had to let a man perform oral sex on me. And then he took me to a red room and Duncan's like, red room, red, it's always a red room. And then I talk about how, and then I got a commercial agent,

I got a special, and it was just like this slightly sexual experience, but I didn't feel violated by it. And then he talks about how he had a dog ejaculate in his mouth, and then that's how he got his show. And dude, Black Instagram ran wild with it. They free posted it 100,000 times. They were just like, this is how dark Hollywood is.

So if they thought that I did that and they see your career, they know you're doing that. Well, in a way, it's kind of a compliment. Like the idea that somebody would give me a show or anything really because they wanted to suck my dick so badly. Yeah. Is inherently preposterous. You know what's crazy?

Every celebrity I've ever met, I thought wanted to suck my dick. Elliot Gould, Jay Moore, every fucking Smith, Will Smith. Well, every time I was like, all right, there's something gay going on here. Why do you, you want to go out to dinner? Okay. Especially Elliot Gould. I thought I was shocked he didn't kiss me.

At the end of the night, we went to seafood down in Venice and he was like, well, it was a great dinner. And I was like, oh, here we go. And he just left and I was like, what the fuck? I was blown away by two things. He didn't kiss me and I drove a more expensive car than he did. And I was like, what the fuck? I was blown away by two things. He didn't kiss me and I drove a more expensive car than he did and I was like, god damn it. Like what's wrong with my-

But with Will you definitely thought something gay was- I thought Will wanted to fuck me. Yeah, well he probably did. I mean, who doesn't? Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you. You were younger. Yeah, it was good looking.

That was like my prize fighting days. There is a thing where, where people want, they almost want to isolate, you've changed, you know, like you've changed. Yeah. I remember there was a great comic of, it was Tosh, I think they're like, people think I've changed. Yeah, I have changed and I'm better. And he's like, can I, and I never liked who I was before.

And I, and now I'm getting better and I like this guy. But like- That's a great angle for him too. Oh so, yeah. But it's, they want to like, they want, they want, I don't know, it's a weird thing. Yeah, I don't know. You can't, here's the thing though. You can't go forward in any way in life going like, I hope that everybody is cool with every step

and choice that I make right now. You know? Like, you're not gonna please them. The people that are really upset that you've changed, like okay, let them be upset. But you can find them and kill them. You can, yeah. I mean if you're with the Illuminati people at home.

I wish you could. Where would you kill people? The three of us. I would love to kill people. Like if you could just be like, if we could get Hollywood to be back old school Hollywood, where you call this guy and this fucking Italian guy comes in, his name's Dicky and he's like,

so who do you need dad? And you're like, well, here it is. I'll be great. Show him a list of names. What era in Hollywood would you have liked to live in the most? Because you got this period at the highest level. Yeah, this is kind of the worst one, right? I would argue probably.

60s, right? 60s. Yeah, 70s, 60s, 70s for probably six right six. Yes 70 60 70 silent films Yeah, I would have been so good. I'm good at eyes In like a barrel going over a waterfall or something I'm just dumb enough to take the role the house is gonna fall over me Okay. Yeah Yeah, I think to see I don't know know, the 60s and 70s. That seems like that seems like the time where people, you know, it

really comes down to is that all the like journalists look the other way at that time. Yeah, they were cool. They were cool. Yeah, they're like, yeah, okay, yeah, do whatever. Even baseball player, like, you know, athletes and whatever, like at that on those days, like, if something got out, like with Garvey, when Garvey, he got two women pregnant at the same time and now it's like only two? But at the time it was a national, it was like a Johnny Carson joke every night. People were driving around with bumper stickers that said Steve Garvey is my father. You know? And like it was like such a big thing

and now it's just complete madness. Wait, what? Isn't it crazy too what it took then for something to go national? Like for it to be something that everyone knew? It really had to get legs. Whereas now like, you know, everything, you can get lost, like I don't know,

I don't know whatever joke people are making or the bit about this. It passes you over. A couple days go by, if you were on vacation, you're like, I don't even know what this is. Yeah, you know, like right now, the governor of South Dakota, Kristi Noem, in her autobiography, tells a story

about shooting her 14-month-old puppy in a gravel pit. And I guess it was supposed to show what a frontier woman she is. Can make tough decisions. Every night, I've been talking about this for like five nights in a gravel pit. And I guess it was supposed to show what a frontier woman she is. Can make tough decisions. Every night, I've been talking about this for like five nights in a row. Every night I feel like half the audience thinks I'm making this story up.

And like, you guys really don't know this fucking story yet? Like, I mean, I get that most people are not following this stuff, but this one's risen above, you know, into the ether. Think of, so we know what virability looks like now, right? How the fuck did Richard Gere happen? What do you mean? Richard Gere, it was known.

Oh, the gerbil thing? It's, you don't even, yeah, and no internet. No internet. We're talking grade schools, middle schools, high schools, colleges. And can I tell you what made me, I fucking one night I got really high and I did some research. So when that story was going around, he had a kid. Most young people probably don't even know. So tell what that rumor was.

It was rumored that Richard Gere had to go to the hospital because he had a gerbil stuck in his ass. This is something that everybody said. And Rod Stewart had to have a stomach pump because it was full of horse cum. Yeah. Yeah. Those are real. I remember where I was when I heard that. I was on North Boulevard driving by our old fucking house and they're like, you know, that happened. I was like, shut the fuck up. I remember like a pound of horse cum. Yeah. Is that what one horse puts out? But here's the crazy thing. Richard Gere had a kid, right? Who clearly was in a kindergarten where you're sure they had a gerbil and we've all been

there. You know, every weekend another family's got to take care of the gerbil. Running around. And you know that they were like, ah, let's not go to the gerbil. And he had to sit and say to his son one day, everyone thinks I put gerbils on my asshole. But it was so, that fucking kills me. I've heard he does not have a sense of humor about that. I don't know that to be true, but I've heard that it's not something you should bring up.

He didn't seem like the best sense of humor. No, maybe not, yeah. That would sting. That would sting. He did nothing. Yeah, and then he just hit you like that. Yeah, that's a tough one. As you probably go, I'll just not comment.

I'll ignore it. Yeah, and it'll go away. And it just. And it never does. No. Tom Cruise is gay. And that's a crock. Everyone thinks it.

That was a thing for a while. That was a fucking thing. Yeah. And when you don't address it, everyone's like, no. It's fucking, and those were internet, those were before the internet. That's insane to me. How did that get playground virality?

That's what that was. That was playground stuff. Even just like jokes, like certain jokes that everybody knew, like how did those get around? I guess it's just like uncles spreading them amongst children and then. So you're saying our uncles were just trolls? They were just fucking, they were grassroot trolls?

Well and to see clips, like viral clips, it was tapes passed around, right? Like the faces of death. Oh, how about the Jerky Boys tape? Yeah, Jerky Boys. That was like viral, but you'd actually have to make a copy of it and give it to somebody. Incredible stuff.

There was this video of this televangelist farting. Do you remember that video? I love that one, yes. It was like perfectly synced up with his expressions. You know, he's the Lord. Squeezing them out, yeah. And it was brilliant, because it would change farts. It wasn't the same, it was like the consistency

of the fart would change on his expressions. I had a beautifully clean copy of that because I think it was made in Seattle and I had it from somebody who was working at the TV station where they made it and I had to make so many copies of that fucking video for people. It was amazing.

The farting preacher. Yeah, the farting preacher. I've thought about him for a long time. I remember watching Pam and Tommy on tape. Yeah. Doing what? It's reading out loud. Great Gatsby.

I remember I was, I told, I'm really bad at meeting celebrities. I think that's what I said to Tommy in front of his new wife. So I remember watching Fuck Pam, and he was like, ugh. You know what I remember from that tape? Him steering the boat with his dick.

Yes. That was, you know, that's a dream. I mean, first of all, to own a boat. Can I tell you what's, wait, hold on, hold on. Can I tell you what's even, what's even, I ended up talking to Tommy about this in front of his new wife. Do you know they were on the ocean?

They were? I thought they were in a lake the whole time. Oh. I did too. Yeah, they were in the ocean. In the Gulf? And it's funny how your imagination, I was like, oh, they're in Lake Havasu.

Right. They weren't, they were in the ocean. I don't know why that fucking, stuff like that fucking. They're ocean fuckers. Yeah. God, she is still fucking hot. Yeah, it's great. Yeah.

So is he. Yeah. He even looks better. He's had a cool career. Like when you look at him, it's like he's had like nine, every time there was a time to get a rebirth, MTV Cribs, Tommy shows up.

Fucking, that guy is really fucking impressive. You know what I think about with guys like him and like Snoop though, is that you remind yourself, you're like, oh yeah, you got famous at like 20. Yeah, right. And so your entire adult life has been this. It's kind of nuts.

Wait, how old were you when you were famous? You know what I mean? I was, well, I was like 27. When I was on WinBestSignsMoney, I wasn't famous. Like maybe somebody recognized me once a month or something. So I was about 30, I think. God damn it, do you spend money on anything? Don't tell my wife I have a lot of girlfriends.

That's nice. Yeah, fucking would love that. That's expensive though, right? Oh yeah, oh yes. No, I don't know that this is true, but I heard that Bob Hope, you know, who owned a ton of real estate in like Toluca Lake and Burbank and these spots, he would have,

like he'd just have houses that his girlfriends would live in within golf cart range of his actual house where his wife Dolores, and Dolores was his wife. She looked like Barbara Bush, you know? And he would just drive his golf cart like as if he's had, and he would, you know, stop by one of his, he had like a neighborhood of girlfriends. Amazing. Fuck, yes. That's the era we want to go. Yes, that's the era we want to go back

Damn it. How fucking cool is that? That's fucking great. I think 6070s was what we said, you know, that's the time I think that's probably around when I would hate to see a Bob Hope sex tape You ever seen naked Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin naked together No, oh, yeah, there's a picture of the two of them. It's like a it's like a professional photograph Oh, you're gonna pull it up on the screen great. Yeah naked Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin and Oh, it's great. They have big dicks and everything really. Yeah, yeah, you're gonna love it. I'm gonna bum me out Safe search on you ever got your safe search on. The top ones, the blurrers.

Get your fucking safe search off. God damn it, this is why women should never work with internet companies. That's gotta be the picture. Yeah, there it is, okay, there you go, Lloyd's, look at that. Look, there's Dean Martin's dick. And Jerry's. Dean Martin had a fucking hog.

And Jerry's gripping his. Yeah. They're showering together. You wanna do that picture? Yep. That was 1952, that's our year, guys They're showering together. You wanna do that picture? Yep. That was 1952, that's our year, guys. That's our year. That's Hollywood.

52. Who's holding theirs near you? You hold yours, I wanna show everyone my dick. Maybe hold each other's would be nice. You don't wanna do it exactly the same. I've already done that. Yeah. We've taken, it would be cool.

I'm glad I can introduce you guys to that. That's pretty cool for sure You're gonna know about awesome. Yeah, god damn it That's comedy duo's ever Well, I mean look at that. I'm pretty good Farley and Spade Right fucking amazing. Yeah, Sandler never had a partner partner True, it would have been cool if he did but he never had a partner partner You don't think of Drew Barrymore as his comedy partner? No.

No. It was great when Pryor and what's his name, they weren't like- Gene Wilder. When they did movies together. Yeah, they were great together. God, they were fucking great together. Amazing. I love those.

What about- I've seen one of those in a long time. So good. They're crazy. Yeah. When Mathow did- Jack Lemmon... Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathow. Yep, that was a great part. Dirty Old Man, is that, or Dirty Old Man?

Grumpy Old Man. Grumpy Old Man. Why, they should do a porn Dirty Old Man. They've done that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Grumpy Old Man was such a great fucking movie. Will you guys name yourselves, or are we just, you're waiting for me to do that?

No, no, you keep going. We're at the venue, who do you think? You guys. Oh, Jimmy. Stop. We don't have to say that. Please? Who do you think? Oh, Jimmy. Stop, please. We don't have to say that. Come on. What's your favorite part about our dynamic?

I like the mix of nonsense and introspection that goes on, but also it's delivered all in the same, it's kind of all the same level, very somewhat quiet. Like I was listening to you guys talk about some like weird lady you follow on. That's Cat Paws. Cat Paws and then you were talking about. Fuck, she blocked me.

You talking about Gerard Carmichael. Oh, see if she blocked you. Oh, fuck, this will kill me. I watch that Gerard Carmichael. Oh, see if she blocked you. Oh, fuck this will kill me. I watch that Gerard Carmichael show and I feel the same way about it. It's like it's a little startling to see two men just openly making out. And I feel like it would even be startling

if you saw some guy on Tinder and then some woman shows up and they just start making out also. It's just very- Strange. But I also think maybe you got, I don't know if maybe, Bert, you misunderstood, because I think that Tyler, the creator, is actually playing a role in that show,

and we're supposed to be confused as to whether he's being himself, and they actually have some sexual relationship. For real? Yeah, I think that's a scripted part of the show. That's what I think based on my conversation with Jared, which was on TV, so I'm not 100% sure. But I think that's the only part of the show,

and I think he wants you to not know what parts of the show are real and what aren't. Was the toe sucking one scripted? I think that was unscripted, the toe sucking. That was aggressive. I don't even do that to women. I have. If that's scripted, that's really brilliant.

Yeah, I think it was. If that's scripted, that's really brilliant. I think so, but I'm not 100% sure. Cat paws didn't block me. She already has me blocked. Yeah, I know that. And she also has everybody in our office blocked. So, I mean, look, that can happen for a number of reasons.

You're the only one she likes. But you also, she must know that you could just make up a fake name and you will follow her anyway, right? But yeah, but that's so much. I made a fake name on Twitter because Rogan sent me some clip about something because you gotta see this. And I was like, I'm not on Twitter, because Rogan sent me some clip about something. He said, you gotta see this. And I was like, I'm not on Twitter anymore.

He said, create accounts. So I typed in, I did a burner account. Oops, I did it Asian. Is just the first one that came up. So I was like, cool, but I misspelled Asian. You did it like again, yeah. And someone got the oops I did at Asian and knew that it was my burner

and then started posting horrible shit about me like it was me. And I was like, fuck I'm out, I'm out again. I fuck up the internet all the time. I don't even fuck in. So burner counts, I'm out. You know, you had me follow a guy that I met at your show in Vegas.

John. Yeah, and I'm still trying to figure out why I'm following John. It's my favorite follow in the world. I follow things for weird reasons. You endorsed him in such an enthusiastic way that I've been trying to figure this out for quite some time now.

That's very deep work. It's very much what he does. I mean, with the lady, he was like, I love this fucking episode, or this account. I'm like, what is it? He's like, she's just like, that lives in this. But she's weird. He's like kinda, you it? He's like, she's just like, that lives in this. But she's weird.

He's like kinda, you know. No, no, no, no, no. You gotta, when it comes to the internet, when it comes to the internet, you gotta look for the beauty of honesty. Okay. It's like John's holding nothing back. He tells you what he's thinking.

Okay, so I'm not sure, I was not sure if he's doing a bit or not. Oh no, oh no. I fell in love with him because he has a waterfall In his living room and he had it. He's my favorite thing and some guy was talking shit. You're nothing You're nobody when he's like, what's up, bitch? You think I'm fucking nothing? I got a waterfall in my living room and he cuts to it and it made me laugh so fucking kid rock energy It is but he's not doing it ironically. Yeah.

He's so, and now I, ironically, want a waterfall in my fucking living room because of John. I like weird follows. Like I follow this one, Mama J, who makes, I love, I love when people get in front of their branding thinking they're smarter than you. She's like, I'm a lower middle class housewife, just making lunch for my hubby. Here we go. And then what she doesn't brand is how unhealthy their fucking diet is. She's like, three pounds of pasta.

Here's a nitrous energy drink. Here's a Gatorade. Here's a Red Bull. A gallon of Kool-Aid. energy drink, here's a Gatorade, here's a Red Bull. And I love when, and then when you know they read their comments, and you know they're trying to be smarter than the internet, but they can't be. And that's my favorite fucking thing. I get so, I have weird follows. Like my favorite people to follow are people that like, people are like, why do you fucking

follow them? I get obsessed with them. I check on CatPaws every day. I follow this guy who works at a gas station convenience store someplace. I don't know where it is. Shut the fuck up, this sounds sexy already. He is so fucking funny, this guy.

He just fucks with his customers, because it's like one of these places where they're like. Oh, I know that guy, I follow that guy. You follow that guy? Yeah, I follow that guy, fuck yeah. He's the one, he gets behind, people go in for a drink, like they open their refrigerator,

and he's on the other side, you know, because there's another side of the refrigerator, and he shoots them with a water gun, like while they're looking for their Mountain Dew or whatever, and it's so goddamn funny, because the last thing you expect when you lean your head into a cold fridge is to get shot with fucking water. And then he's got this old guy, who he is,

you know that old guy, like he travels with him that almost all the videos are him fucking with the old guy Like just like saying weird shit to the guy and the guy like loses his mind the guy's like, you know He's like what the fuck? You know, what's wrong with you? You know like they have this weird if you get relation thing. I look for an internet is We were talking about the other day. Do you remember old Clinton Portis interviews? Yes, and you remember Clinton Portis didn't know you weren't allowed to say certain things And you you get excited you feel like shut the fuck up And he'd be like ain't nothing but a dogfight and you'd be like, you know, let's say that

That's what I look for in the internet is people that don't know they're not allowed to say it. I Fucking yeah, it's exciting. Oh, I'm so fucking excited cuz everyone's so self-aware You know and tries to say the right thing. It's fun to So fucking exciting. Because everyone's so self-aware, you know, and tries to say the right thing. It's fun to find. Do you have a burner account or do you just follow people? I don't know, yeah, I just follow people. Oh, for real?

Yeah. Oh, that's crazy. I want to go through your follow list. What, yeah. Some people go, Jimmy Kimmel follows me. Yeah, it is, yeah, but I follow a lot of like, I like when people do like art stuff or like make shit out of cotton candy.

Oh, Puerto Ricans get their hair cut. You know, I like to stay abreast of what Dua Lipa is up to, for sure, you know. Dua Lipa is the only, what's her nationality? Albanian, she's the only Albanian Serbians like. The only Albanian Serbians like. Serbians hate Albanians. Is that right?

But I like a, well, no, I thought the Serbians hated the Croatians. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, they do. Croatians look down on the Serbians. So Croatians are the Japanese. Serbians are the Koreans. And then the Albanians are the Chinese.

So like they fuck, I mean, I remember when we were on set doing the movie, they were making Albanian jokes. And I said to one of the guys, I said, Hey man, you know, just if there's an Albanian on set, aren't you worried that they defend, you defend them? And he goes, he better know better to not say anything. And I went, what?

And he goes, we just kick his ass. And I was like, cool, cool. There's that too. You ever get that with like your like so, you know, like you get some like like we got this guy that is like a gardener in the neighborhood and you just assume he's Mexican. Oh, yeah, and then he gets mad. He's like, I'm not fucking Mexican. I brought him all and we're like, oh, okay. I know there was a thing. And it's like, I think it's like, there's like some kind of social. Oh, there's a hierarchy.

Oh, you know why? The farther south down you go, the lower it is. It gets worse, I go to Florida, and with Cubans, Cubans are like, so if you're Cuban and you step foot on the soil, you're national, you're citizen immediately. And so there's, I remember my buddy Eddie Fernandez, who were in LA, he's Cuban, and he had his mom had bought him a red fleece jacket for Christmas.

Looks identical to a valet Parker. And someone threw Eddie here, there his keys, and he was like, I'm not a fucking Mexican. I was like, oh, shut your fucking mouth, buddy. He was like, and he yelled the guy in Spanish. I was like, Eddie, close enough. We had a writer at the Man Show, a guy named Adam de la Pena, and he was standing out front of a restaurant,

and a guy handed him his car keys, and he just like looks at the keys, and he looks at the guy, and he just throws the keys as far as he could. Really? He just chucked the keys, the guy's like, what the? That might be the best way you can handle that. That's fucking awesome.

So what's your night look like tonight? Like I'm curious, I always think I'd be healthier if I did a show like yours, where the chunk of your day where you should be drinking, you're working. It's pretty rigid, yeah. Usually I go after the show. I go home. I put the kids to bed I read them a chapter of a book or whatever. Okay, you ready? I'm gonna ask your son Yeah, are you a better dad this round than the first round? Oh, I don't know if he would know the answer to my kids Would be like he's killing all these new kids. I think I probably am better this time around

Because I had to wake up at 3 30 in the morning the first time around so I kind of wasn't there like You know, I could have you know, I yeah I wake up they won't see them in the morning I was I was busier as hard as it is to believe I was busier. As hard as it is to believe, I was busier then. Yeah. At least while they weren't in school. Wait, you, I just remembered now, you were like chubbier and you went, it was a whole thing when you lost weight. Fasting and pickles.

That's a lie. No. Yeah, it was, I know, it wasn't, yeah, it was like a- But the stories that I heard was like you were eating like eight almonds a day and like- That's right. I was on a, I was eating one raisin and a small ball of aluminum foil.

Were you on a crazy? Yes, I did go on a crazy diet for like four months. I went on some crazy fucking eating nothing diet. And crazy cardio too or? No, no, no exercise. That's when the diet went away when I started going, you know, maybe I should exercise, because I was very proud of myself

because I lost so much weight. But then when I went back and recalculated, I realized I lost 11 pounds of muscle. I was like, oh, this is not great. And I was eating 1,200 calories a day. Jesus Christ. Which is not a great way to go about life. How'd you keep it off?

I just kind of readjusted how much I eat. I can eat, I can eat, there aren't many people who can eat more than I can eat. I can go really, really wild. I mean, I can go fucking crazy. But you've rained it in. You rained it in. I rained it in, yeah.

I rained it in. I try to eat reasonably during the week and I eat what I want on the weekend. Do you drink? I don't drink that much anymore. Really? Smoke weed? Yeah, I do smoke weed, yeah.

Really? I've switched to that. I used to drink a lot and after a while it's kinda like hard on the body. Really? Yeah. You ever do the show high? No, never.

Ever done the show drunk? Nope, I have done the man show a little drunk, yeah. Just because we do two shows in a day and we wound up, we'd chug beers. Never. Ever done the show drunk? Nope. I have done the man show a little drunk, yeah. Just because we do two shows in a day and we wound up, we'd chug beers, you know. God. Those were the fucking days. I did do one man show up a bit high because we're at Snoop Dogg's house. I remember the episode.

And I didn't even really smoke pot at that time. I had maybe smoked once in my life at that time. And as soon as we walked in, Snoop got us high and I was like, we had a whole bit with all these stupid little things we were gonna do. And I was just said to the director, I was like, I'm just, I'm worthless, just fucking help me. And Snoop, I was actually,

Snoop asked to have Kentucky Fried Chicken as the, no Popeyes, as the catered meal. And we're in his garage eating lunch and I overheard him say to his friend, my nephew done ate six pieces of chicken already. I went fucking nuts. I went into his refrigerator. I was spraying whipped cream into my mouth. That's awesome.

Oh, there's nothing better than eating when you're high. The best, because I went into, he was on before me when I was on your show. Right. And it was one of those things where I was like, am I going to leave here without going into Snoop's room and saying what's up? I was like, you can't. You can't. And you did, I hope. Oh yeah, it took, like I was like, I just walked in and you know, I see people on the couch and they're all like, you know, and I'm like, hello, and I just see a cloud of smoke.

It's like what you imagine, a cloud of smoke comes from behind a wall. And then I'm like, hey, I was just on, and I totally fanboyed like so hard. Started talking about his career and shit. I just didn't know what to say. And then he was like, yeah, he was a, let me get a flick with you. And I'm like, what? And I realized that's what to say. And then he was like, yeah, he goes, let me get a flick with you.

And I'm like, what? And I realized that's what he's saying. He's saying, let me take a picture with you. I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, you even say that cool. Let me get a flick with you. Do you have like a kind of a Mount Rushmore of people to smoke with?

No, not really. No, it's never, I mean like, it's never been the thing where I'm like, I have to do that with them. I have quite a good collection of- I bet. Yeah. You know, Seth Rogen I think is one of those guys. Willie Nelson for sure.

Willie Nelson. Yeah. You did? A few times, yeah. Willie, Woody Harrelson is another one. Have you smoked with Woody? I have, yeah. That seems like a, that's a pretty cool one.

Yeah, Snoop of course. The ones, the guys only, Mike Tyson, which I consider to be on that list, even though most people don't realize he's on that list. But the guys that I haven't are Cheech and Chong. I have. You have? Oh, that's pretty good. And they lived up to it.

Like I was like, hey, I was going to let it join. And they're like, yeah. So you guys still smoke? They're like, it's kind of our thing. And, and, and Tommy Chong, I was so high. And he explained reality to me. Oh, he did. And what is it? He said, you create your own reality. You decide how you feel. You pick all those emotions so you can create if you're happy or not. And I had just had that thought like two days before. I was like, it was like most prolific thing. I was like, Jesus Christ, like you do create your reality.

I got in a fight with Leanne two days before and I get in the car. I'm going to get coffee. And I was like, I don't really, I'm not angry. She's given me so many good memories. Why am I gonna get this one little thing hang me up? And I was like, what if I decide to not be mad at her? What if I just choose to think of all the good things for this drive?

And then halfway through the drive, I wasn't mad at all. And I came home and I was like, hey baby, I'm sorry. And I meant it. And then Tommy Chong explained that to me high as fuck. And I was like, god damn it. You know, Tommy Chong has been divorced 11 times? I just made that up. I spoke with Snoop.

I have a list of people I want to fall off the wagon with. Who? Ben Affleck. I was hoping after the roast that he'd be the boy. So you want somebody to fall off the wagon with you? I'll be next to them and they're like, fuck it. I see. Yeah, and then I get a night with them.

That's a good dream. That's a nice dream. Yeah, that's what you got, send them down spiraling into hell. Apparently the stories I've heard that Willie's tolerance is absolutely insane. I think Willie's just very, very high at all times, day and night, and there's not even, even he doesn't even get high, he just is high. Is high, yeah, yeah.

I wanna do Coke with Leonardo DiCaprio. And I'm gonna make him do Arnie the whole time. I can climb, Gilbert. I fucking love, I would love to do Coke with Leonardo DiCaprio. I wouldn't let Robert Downey Jr. fall off the wagon with me. He's done two cool things. I'm so happy he's sober.

Like I gotta list. But other people, you're not happy. So these are people you don't like that much. No, I love Ben Affleck. I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. But I wanna break the fucking ice. I wanna get in the polar plunge.

I wanna crack the ice and get in the water with him. I wanna see what it's like. I want- I think it's pretty dark. I would love to see ice and get in the water with him. Yeah, see what it's like. I want, I want. I think it's pretty dark. Oh yeah, I'd love to see it. I would love to see it. I would love to see it. And I'm there for him. It's a nice dream. I'll be there for him. I'll stay at his house. We'll call Jennifer Garner. She'll take us to rehab. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Call his ex-wife. It's one of my fucking favorite pictures in the world when she took him through Jack in the Box. And he's in the back eating fucking Jack in the Box on his way to rehab. I was like, that's a fucking ride or die bitch right there. That's Leanne, you know that's Leanne. That's Leanne. Yeah, she's taking a Jack in the Box for sure.

Yeah. Thank you so much. Why don't we get all fucked up and go to Jack in the Box? You know, buddy. See if we can find Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, yeah. You know him, right? I do.

Yeah. What's he like? He's very smart. It's annoying. Very, very smart. And I will say this, that he doesn't, I don't know, to me before I knew him, he didn't seem smart. He seemed like kind of a big dunce to me. That's my fucking story. But he's very smart.

I think he comes off that way in more in-depth interviews when you really hear him, you know, not like necessarily doing panel or something, but when you really hear him, you know, not like necessarily doing panel or something, but when you actually hear him speak about things, you pick up on the fact that he's a pretty smart guy. Hey, when you do like cool parties, right? Will you start inviting Tom and I? Sure, but the way they're going lately,

it's just gonna be the three of us, yeah, because we don't really do it anymore. Oh, you used to have hot fucking parties. You know what? there's these there are these parties that are kind of legendary that were really built around Howard Stern coming to LA and He hasn't come to LA in such a long time and now I think he doesn't even like like the parties anymore but I did it mostly because He would talk about the fact he's come to LA and he's coming to my house all the stuff and then everybody I knew

Would be like, hey, what are you guys doing, whatever, and it just became like this uncomfortable situation. I said, why don't we knock it all off and get everybody together and we'll have a party, and I think the first couple of times he really liked it, and then the third time it became like way too much, and he just hasn't returned.

I gotta throw a party. Yeah. I wanna start throwing parties. You gotta throw a party. Yeah. I wanna start throwing parties. You can definitely do that. Yeah. Yeah, you're totally allowed to have a party. I'm gonna be home for nine months. I should throw a couple parties.

That should be in the mix of your nine months. I wanna see what celebrities show up. Are you gonna sail to Hawaii? I was thinking about sailing to Hawaii. I was thinking about moving to South France. I have a bunch of big ideas. But you won't execute any of them? Probably no.

No. Probably I will just be on Instagram every fucking day. Yeah, I hope to follow through with something. I wish you would commit to one of them. Sailing to, I wanna be scared. Well, sailing to Hawaii sounds very scary. Yeah. From where, from Florida?

No, from LA, it's 18 days. It's 18 days from LA. Yeah, I What cuz when I heard 18 days I was like, oh, how big of a boat we Florida 60 foot gunboat I've done a lot of research. It's a very slow boat. No, no, no gun boats are fucking awesome They're they're like catamarans almost John. John Florence has one. I'm I think he owns it Haven't hit him up yet, but I'm gonna see if he'll let me sail with him. You should try to get Tommy Lee to come on that boat. Hell yeah.

Fuck yes. A lot of ocean experience. Bring your cock. He can steer for you. That'd be awesome. You know what's funny about Tommy Lee, and I know you tried to wrap it up, but. We're not.

He seems like a reality star of the 90s or something, or the early 2000s, but he's actually like a very talented musician. So talented. And like you forget, I think you forget that part of it because he's Tommy, he's so Tommy Lee. The personality, right? Oh yeah, he's a drummer.

He's a really good drummer. Really good, yeah. It's weird that, you know, like Pamela Anderson, is Pamela Anderson, she's like the female virgin, she doesn't have any talents. Yeah, yeah. You know? I mean really, what are her talents? Certainly not acting. Maybe running I guess is one of them.

Advocacy. I think she's like really into pizza. Oh yes, advocacy, that's right. She does have the gift for advocacy. Maybe I'll become an advocate all my nine months off. That's a great idea. Just really get into advocacy. What would you advocate for?

Probably Last Call. Like push Last Calls. Pushing it? All around the country. When I moved from Las Vegas to Phoenix, Arizona to go to college, I had never heard of Last Call. Oh yeah. And I was so mad when I found out about it.

It was one o'clock. I was like, what, wait, what, everybody goes home now? What are you talking about? It's one a.m. Because you know, Nevada, there's no such thing. You could be there five, six in the morning. Have you ever had a coke? No, never have.

You should. They say at 56 is the time where you should start expecting a rent, you know that sort of thing. Especially this whole second go at being a dad. Really get into it now. Now you can really blow through some cash. Now my heart is very vulnerable. When we did the roast, Sam Jay was lighting, I had a bag of Zins, and I pulled them out to take a Zin out, and it was a little clear baggy of Zins,

and Tom goes, it looks like fucking coke. I go, it's zens. And then Sam J starts lighting me up for being like some mediocre party animal who doesn't do drugs and only fucks his wife. And I pulled out the zens and shook them. Yeah. Everyone thought you had a bag of coke. Yeah. We had a bag of coke. And the whole arena.

Shultz thought I had a bag of coke. He was like, dude, share. It was a great moment. Yeah. It was fucking, and Tom's like, and then I'm so glad they edited it out because my daughters, I'm gonna watch the roast. They edited that out? They edited the coke out. What's worse, having a bag of coke or a bag of Zins? If you have two daughters who you've preached no pills, no powder, and then you guys show

us up with a fucking heavy eight ball, just fucking, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh, I wish you would have done coke right on the table. Kim Kardashian looked at me. Yeah. She saw me pull out the bag and she went. And I was like, I party. It's cool. Hey, Jimmy. Yeah.

Thanks for having me. I've been a fan of yours my entire fucking career. Well, thank you. Thank you so much for doing this. Yeah, this is a real treat, man. Thank you so much. You guys are very funny and thanks for inviting me to your show in Las Vegas and I'm sorry for all the hatred

that you're gonna get for having me on this one. No, we'll lean into it. I apologize in advance. You're the man, dude, thank you for coming. Thank you, Jimmy. Thanks for having me. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes to the top, the swat, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.