2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Is White-Face Cool Again? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: September 8, 2025

SPONSORS: - Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. - Don’t let financial opportunity slip through the cracks, get half off your first year with promo code BEARS at https://www.monarchmoney.com/bears - As always, get your first month of BlueChew FREE Just use promo code BEARS at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. https://bluechew.com - Sponsored by BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/bears - Download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning at https://NetSuite.com/BEARS. We're sorry, guys! Tom and Bert are back in the cave with a full plate: Druski’s viral NASCAR “whiteface” sketch and the art of deep-cover character work, a big “Would you die for your country?” debate, and discuss why streaming giants (Kai, Adin, Jack, etc.) have completely remixed entertainment. Plus, Tom relives an electric college football weekend (FSU at home against Alabama = goosebumps), Bert admits he tried to move a 400-lb armoire and declared himself top 0.5% strong in the city, and the guys hatch a chaotic million-dollar plan to manage an OnlyFans creator—will it work? Is white-face really back? Is Bert making things up? Watch and find out! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 305 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Gambling problem? Call one eight hundred Gambler. In New York, call eight seven seven eight HOPENY or text HOPENY (four six seven three six nine). In Connecticut, Help is available for problem gambling. Call eight eight eight seven eight nine seven seven seven seven or visit https://ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (Kansas). Twenty-one plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Fees may apply in Illinois. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. See https://sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos. NFL Sunday Ticket offer for new subscribers only and auto-renews until cancelled. Digital games and commercial use excluded. Restrictions apply. Additional NFL Sunday Ticket terms at https://youtube.com/go/nflsundayticket/terms. Limited time offer. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:30 - Druski Doing White Face 00:10:54 - Streamers Ruined The Military 00:17:32 - Would You Die For Our Country? 00:26:25 - Kam Patterson 00:33:20 - Another Tour 00:38:25 - College Football Weekend 00:49:42 - Let's Become OF Boosters 00:59:17 - Bert's Fight With LeeAnn 01:05:28 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Welcome to another episode of two bears, one cave. We apologize, but we are back. Yes, we've reached out to Stavi and Chris and other people, and we'll see what their avails are. But for this week, it's us. We're so sorry, guys.

We're so sorry. I feel so bad that you guys have. have to listen to us. I do, and you don't have to. I actually worked a little hard this week because I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was like, well, there's a lot going on. But I was like, I'm going to bring in good talking points.

Good talking points, good energy. Good energy. We're starting with blackface. Okay. Or not blackface, white face, Drewski. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We can talk about Druski. We can talk about would you die for your country?

Great conversation points right there. Us being only fans pimps. Great idea. great idea that's good that's a good idea we're going to talk about florida state and uh and how leanne and i got into a huge fight moving isla into college this past like over the weekend over the weekend oh that'd be i'm very excited i will say this i got to tell you there's certain like formats mediums that people are just fucking so good in yeah dude druski doing these sketches that he's been doing for a long time now yeah they're he's so goddamn good at them he is the future

Right now, if you're sitting on your couch going, I want to get into comedy. Don't ask me and Tom. We're dinosaurs, which I'm not even sure. We're real. But we're dinosaurs. Ask Druski. Yeah. That guy is like, I mean, I remember watching his TSA.

If you've ever checked about his shit, the way that he just throws himself into these things. And I remember asking him, I was like, he did like a T.S. He did the podcast. Wait, we're. Oh, for real? yeah yeah so was he good he was great yeah dude he's he's super engaging super funny uh really smart guy but he was he did the tsa one where he was like why is it wired tsa like or like you know the like the wheelchair people at Atlanta airport dude he actually just went to the airport

yeah threw on an outfit and then was wheelchering people who thought they could hire him but like all while staying in character he just nails this character shit and the world of it so well. And this latest one where he's at a NASCAR event, dude, he's, it's, he's so funny. That guy's phenomenal. So wait, okay. So first and foremost, I got to be honest, you know, the star of that is not Drusky. Yeah.

The star of that is the person who did his hair and makeup. Well, yeah, it was phenomenal. That was fucking phenomenal. That was so good. A sunburn, a wife beater sunburn. on a black guy is chef's kiss it was so good have you seen his like roll tied one where he would go to the only like he would go to bama games and he would befriend like these hardcore bama fans and especially this one guy that you know i'm talking about no have you

seen him do do his i'm kind of late to druski i'm to be honest with you this this right here okay when he was this guy he made a friend who didn't understand that guy didn't think he was black and he's not even in he was just like yeah this dude's the best

and that and then he was like that man god go get out of this guy thought that

Drusky was just tan and and was like openly like yeah fucking black's he had no idea he had no idea it's unbelievable were you waiting were you waiting for druski to drop an end bomb yeah of course i think he does no he doesn't he does he does something oh no not in that i'm saying in the roll tied one no no no in uh in the nascar one oh the nascar one i mean

it it really honestly had me sit up out of bed and think like think globally about it he does something way worse than saying the N-word. He spits on a black guy and says, boy, are you lost to a black guy? And that was like, that was crazy. That's, I think that's,

I mean, this is just great role character and role-playing. He's calling people, Meem-all. He's got them sitting on the lap smoking cigarettes. No, he's nailing it, dude. He murdered it. Look at this. When she smokes out of his lap. Oh, you need to listen to your name.

Go ahead, baby. Yeah, he for sure just met this one, you know? Yes. He could bang her. I would love if that was the next video. That is nothing. Hey, me, Ma. How you doing, baby?

How you doing, baby? How are you doing, man? All right now. Why, this is where it comes up. He knows exactly how to gas these people up, dude. Yeah. What race? What race?

NASCAR race. You're going to NASCAR? Yes, sir. A little bit. He ain't lost, is you? No, I'm good. I'm going to a race, sir. You're sure about that?

Yes, sir. Horrible. Find something safe to do, boy Just scare the shit out of a black guy As a black guy Yeah, that's amazing Look that fucking hair, bro He looks like a white guy

Yeah Well, they did a great job, bro They did a great job Yeah Woo Bring on the shoes, baby Oh, that fucker would go I think

All right, this is a, we can't just watch. Okay, so wait, so wait, so here's the question, Tom, okay? Here's the question. He is ultimately he went undercover. He went full Donny Brasco. Yeah. How long could you go in total blackface and get away with it? That's a good question, man.

Like, I think part of it was like how loud of a character are you? You know what I mean? Well, yeah, you could be like a fly on the wall, black guy. But like, could you go to free. important I mean but are you going to be are you going to be the life of the room the way he is here because he could stay in that for a week and nobody would know no one if he would no would no would know you think you could do that in a black makeup and in a black room and be loud like be attention seeking if I was in a room full of Asians that didn't speak their native tongue I could

do it in yellow face. Yeah. You think so? Yeah, yeah, I'm good with chopsticks and I think I'd fit in pretty good. I know enough. This is an Asian room. Asian room, but they have to. They don't know how to speak their native tongue.

Right, so they only speak English. Right, right. And then you would pretend to speak Mandarin or something? No, no, no, no. I would just go in and fit in as an Asian American. I could do that. So you just, you would just speak the way you speak basically. I speak the way I speak, yeah, there's no difference.

And then I think with top-tier makeup, you could pull it off? Top-to-your-make-up, I could pull off Asian face. I could not pull off brown face, like Mexican face. And black face? In a small group, I could. With other black, like, there's other black dudes who are like buying you up in the group. I can't just do it with like, like, I bet I could do it if it was like Chappelle, Donnell,

earthquake and like and I was really yeah I think I could okay because I know them well enough to know what subjects to steer from you know yeah

like would you go would you justify heavy end bomb usage just oh you have to you can't be a black guy not use that word it's the best word they say and then at the end they'd be like hey you know you said

you'd be like ah being one of y'all I can't know the word I'd get excited to use the most would be word it's just word yeah you like say something to me

say something to me like, hey man, I like what you're wearing. Yeah, I really, I really dig what you're wearing, man. Word. See?

Close your eyes. That's what that felt. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Okay. Man, it's been hot as shit out here,

hadn't it? Word. Here, do it back to me. See if you can do it, okay? Okay. Did you see the ass on that bitch?

A word? Yeah, you do it better. You do a better black voice. but then there's people who like that are just like you know what I'm talking about that guy the comic that did the

that does the god I always fuck his name's Josh that does the Morgan Freeman oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah bro oh my god he's fully fucking like a chameleon I mean like okay why he could do that experiment and just

live in it there's a guy there's a guy that we had on on something's burning Pull up that name for me. Oh, I got one way better, Tom. I got one way better. Josh Robert Thompson. That's his name. But he can only do Morgan Freeman.

You need, like you can't have him sit down with. No, he can do more. Oh, for real? Oh, yeah, yeah. We've traded voices. Really? Yeah, he's a 10 out of 10, dude. It's incredible.

So why, here's what I don't understand. What type of human is offended by the Druski thing? Because they're trying to cancel him. But like, is it? What? So, like, the alt-right loves Drusky. Uh-huh. Like, the alt-right, I think Drusky is like a Trump supporter.

So, like, the all-right, I think so. I mean, I'm pretty sure. Drusky, the man, the guy, the real guy? There's a lot of black dudes that are Trump supporters. Is he an out-spot? You're just going to label him as that without knowing? I don't know. I don't fucking know.

I don't know. Is there the next answer? Anyone that's good on the internet really likes Trump, I think. Really? Does Drusky vote? Did Drusky support Trump? Okay, let's look it up. I mean, it looks like a Trump supporter.

in this video. Well, yeah. I mean, that character does. Word. A word. So, so, but like he's, you know, he's in that universe. I mean, that universe is, by the way, the most brilliant universe that ever existed in the entire world. The group that is Kaisenot and Drusky and Aidan Ross and Jack Doherty and all these streamers who are you calling them the most brilliant people in the history of the world? Do they make? How much does Kaisenot make? I don't care what they make. I don't say, like... Buddy, can you...

What a cheap code. The guys... Yeah, I mean, it's incredible. Congrats. Make $160 million a year. What? Dude, he makes more money than... Like, they're making crazy money.

Yeah, no, that's awesome. I just don't think they're geniuses. I just think they're, you know, found... Right time, right place? Yeah, I mean, like, kudos to them. I'm happy for them that they're doing that well. And they found their audio. It's got 43 million fucking followers.

That's great. I mean, like, when you look at that, like, they've, they've, they have single-handedly recreated entertainment. I mean, it's a new, yeah, it's a whole new format. It's why, it's why that fucking, you know, people don't want to watch, hey, can we sing a song in my car, like, as a, as a bit, because they just go, like, that's, that's less entertaining than what these guys can do, for sure. I mean, and Druski's good friends with Kai Sonat, I think.

Yeah, they, those guys are. all kind of support you. And they're funny as shit. Like when they do their live streams, now listen, I'm not going to watch the whole four hour live stream or whatever, but their clips are fucking hysterical. Yeah, they definitely tapped into something. It's awesome. Probably inspired a bunch of people to try it too. Oh, no, inspired it. And I'd say ruin our military. This show is sponsored by Draft Kings. Your season, your shot. The NFL season is rolling in. Every touchdown can bring you closer to a payout with Draft King's sports book. An official sports betting partner of the NFL from first touchdown score to anytime TD props or the thrill of

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Think about it. I'm thinking. Every child out there, they want to be a streamer. They want to be a gamer. They want to be a streamer. They want to be a YouTuber. They want to have an Instagram. That is true.

And no one has the thing where you look up to an American hero where you're like, hey man, I want to join the military. Like our military, our military enlistment is down so drastically from like just 1980. It's so minuscule how many people enlist in the military or sign up for the military. It's crazy. And when you look at it, it's like, it's like the internet's changed everything. No one does. This is why I said, this is why I pose this to you.

Okay. And we'll go back to Druski in a second. Would you die for our country? Answer honestly. Would I die for our country? Yeah. Right now. No, no, no, no, no. Don't start. Would you die for our country?

I mean, you're taking a long time. No, because I'm trying to think, I'm trying to answer you like in a thoughtful way. It's not, I don't, I go like, I'm thinking in terms of the fact that, like, there's, there's a, a need to defend this country, like, that falls all the way down to a middle age dad. You know what I mean? Like, that's what I'm trying to think. Well, let me paraphrif, let me, let me frame it in an easier way for you to think about it. Never once have we ever had to defend our land, okay? So no one who's ever died for our country was defending our land other than the guys in the plane in United 93 or whatever that, you know, stormed the cockpit.

That's different. I'm talking about, I'm watching these World War II docks in color. Yeah, they're amazing. And you're seeing the demo on Iwo Jima where they felt like they were fighting the island and you got a dude. who's, I guess, 32 at the time, maybe 28, telling a 20-year-old get in that hole and see if there are any Asians in it. And the dude doesn't have a right to say no,

because it's a military. And so he just gets in the hole and he dies. Would you do that for our country? I think if I was called upon to do it, I would do it. Okay, ask me the question. Would you die for it? Nope. No, I'm being honest.

I'm being dead honest. honest. And I mean that as a compliment to everyone in the military is that I don't have the thing they got. I'm not trying to say that I'm a hero. What I was trying to say is that I have done nothing but benefit from all the privileges provided by being an American citizen and never having been asked to do anything like that. And if it were like, if this country that we know and the life that we know we're threatened and they go, we need you, I think I would go ahead and just do it. But I also probably, honestly, I think I kind of just romanticize that idealized version of myself because my dad was a Marine.

And so I go like, oh, I'd want to do, because my dad would want me to do that. I'd want to do it. And like, if you right now today, we're like, here's the thing, go. I'd probably be like, can I go home for a minute? How do I get out of this? Your dad, your dad said at a very young age, at a very young age, just signed up, yeah. He said, I will, I will die for this country.

I don't have my kid yet. I'm not doing it for any noble, I'm not defending anybody. I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. And there's everyone who signs up for the military. Even Kyle, who doesn't know how to use the word, et cetera, Kyle, my assistant, he signed up for the military. And we were in the car after watching a bunch of these docs. And I said, would you die for this country?

And without a fucking blink in his eye, he went, yeah, absolutely. That's what I, obviously, I signed up for it. Yeah, he signed up for it. Yeah, I would never, unless I could get credit, which is where this Kaisenot and Druski shows up, right? Yeah. Pete, I think today we have a culture, myself included, myself included, who would only do something selfless if they got credit for it.

That is not a shock. me or everyone else about you you've been very open about how much you want recognition for things like gestures and whatnot yeah but i think that's i think that's indicative of of our culture our culture worldwide right now like if i like if i said to your dad right if i said to your dad hey do you know anybody um paddling across the atlantic right now your dad would have said no so Who fucking would ever do that? If I said to Zolo, Zolo, can you find me someone paddling across the Atlantic right now? He'll find five people live streaming them paddling across the Atlantic.

Right. For no reason at all. No, they just want the glory. They just want the fame. They just want. And by the way, very likely that you'll die. Oh, yeah, very likely. It's more likely to die doing that.

How many people are paddling across the fucking Atlantic right now? Look at this. Look at this. There's so many people rowing across the fucking Atlantic, you know? And you're like, and so you're like, okay, so that glory they're looking for, your dad said, I don't know what that is yet, but I'm willing to give my life for this country so that when I come home, I don't know, that's where I'm like lost in this whole fucking, you know,

like the children these days just don't. Yeah. And by the way, I am guilty of it too. and I grew up respecting our military. Like, I didn't enlist when I was, I was there for the Iraq War. I was there for 9-11. We also have it much easier, dude. Way easier.

We just had, this is an easier, if you're a citizen of this country from birth for the last 20, 30, 40 plus years, you're like, yeah, your life has been, it's pretty, I don't mean that like everyone's circumstances are easy. I'm just saying that, like, we don't feel the threat of it. invasion like you know all those things feel very always distant to us we haven't we have it cush here for sure isn't that crazy yeah yeah it is isn't crazy just how much more cush your life was than your dad's like just that yeah for sure man and then and then go back let's go back 200 years oh my god it almost doesn't seem fair that we get like adirondack

chairs and cigars and they had to like shit in the streets Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a total, it's, our life is, it's so nice. It's really nice. Yeah, if you imagine being alive in 1825. The house Isla's living in. If you were born then, you would definitely have been in the Civil War, which would suck so much. Yeah, that would have sucked so much. Yeah, that would have sucked. Yeah. Can you imagine fighting in the Civil War when you, You got ostracized if you didn't go. And also, and a thousand percent, you would have been a confederate.

Yeah. I would have. So would you. Yeah. Yeah. I was a northerner, man. No, you would have come down. And by the time you were fighting age, we would have been both fighting for the team that lost.

I don't know. I think I would have stayed in the north. I think I would have been like, I don't support what's going on down there. I would have been like, listen, this isn't about slavery. this is about cotton fucking bayonetam yeah yeah you'd be like yeah we need our cotton first of all i would have taken all my slaves and i would have dressed them up like druski and i would have taken them to the fucking battlefield yeah yeah i'd be like come on man let's go guys and they're like sure thing bert how did they talk sure no because i'd white face them oh right right so they would be like

sure thing boss yeah yeah you'd be like don't call me that i'm bert we're the same we're people Guys. Wait. Oh, there's a premise I have in my head that I should just say for stage. Yeah. No, I think Druski should do other cultures, too. Because he's... White's.

No, whites is easy. It's punching up. It's like, you know the phrase, don't hate the player, hate the game? Right. Well, if the player creates a game, you can hate the player and the game. Okay. Okay, where are we going with this? So do you remember, like, do you remember, like, going to, like, your rich kids' friends' house as a kid?

Yeah. Hey, we play a game in the pool. It's called a Nukem ball. And you're like, okay, how do you play? And he's like, okay, ball can't touch the water. If you get the ball touches water, we get to throw it at your ass. And you're like, okay, cool. And then his ball hit the water.

You're like, no, no, no, no, you get three drives. And you're like, wait, you just change the game. He's like, yeah, that's how, that's white people. We just changed. We created the game. Then we keep changing it. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

so it's hard it's hard to i mean it's like it's hard for anyone to get mad when you make fun of white people because it's like you got to no yeah that's what druski's real challenge should be to really upset white people take it take it up a notch and really like that would be art that's art yeah he's he's great at this man i'm i'm super i think he's so fucking funny um by the way huge to Cam Patterson. Oh, fuck, yeah. So in Austin, he's obviously on stage a lot. And, you know, he does kill Tony.

And he's so fucking funny. And he just got named one of the new cast members of SNL. So that's really cool, man. That is a, that is one black person who will never be able to do black face or white face. Oh, he's, oh, because he's so black. we played wordle together one time yeah I've never I've never laughed harder

and you know his he's got a very thick accent yeah he's like what the fuck is this and I was like it's wordle and he's like huh you gotta guess a letter a guess a word that's five letters and ultimately you got to figure out what the word is he's like okay

and so his first guess was three and I was like that's not a great guess because you have used E twice. He goes, why? And I was like, because you want to try to use the diversity. He goes, I couldn't think I had any five-letter words. His next

guess was these. And I was like, Cam, so none of those letters showed up. So you're using four of those, you're only changing out one letter. So it's not like you're, he's like, I'm having a hard time guessing five-letter words. It was the hardest. We've laughed. And then the next word was the N-word, I think.

Oh, my God. And I was like, are you using a sentence? These three, what? He is authentic. That guy is fucking. And his dad is the sweetest guy in the world. Really? Yeah, I took him on tour with me for a little bit.

And his dad came out with us. His scam was like, yo, he's cool. My dad comes. I was like, fuck, yeah. His dad's my age. We both have high blood pressure issues. We're both checking our sugars. I hung out with his dad the whole time when we ate healthy.

That's great. man. He's going to make me tune in. I really want to watch. Like he's... Yes. Cam is that. He's just naturally funny, dude. I'm super excited for him, man. Do you know who he reminds me of that's on the show? Who?

Who's very funny, but authentic voice, is Marcello? Mm-hmm. Is that his name? Marcelo. Marcello? The Latin kid? Yeah. Yeah, he's very funny. He's fucking hysteria. Marcelo Hernandez. Yeah. He's great. He's great, too.

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do you think you can do brown face tom yeah of course like if like if they put you in like cholo gear yeah a thousand percent you can you could hang out with the fools i mean that's this very specific like that's a real specific lane so i would have to do like a little more research research but if you were just like be a Latino guy and have your skin darkened and all this stuff, yeah, 100% I could do that. I couldn't do that. I could fool everybody doing that.

I bet I could do. I wonder if I could do Irish. Is a safe one? But that, it's safe, but you would, it would be hilarious. That's why you should do it. Because people would be like, what is up with this dude's accent? If they made you totally ginger, yeah, that would be great. I say we do that.

I'd go full ginger, red hair. Yeah, give us a little tape. Give us a little taste of the Irish accent. Hey. Hey. It's good so you. Oh, all right. Hey, hang on.

Top of the morning. I already, I got a talking like dice. Hey. I got a kind of a lot. A lot of a lot of it. You know what? Maybe you could do it. That if you're just like the village drunk who mumbles.

Yeah. I will. I'll tell you what. Let's put a bet. How? Okay. Let's do a bet. Okay.

Do you have any European tour? dates coming up? No, I already did Europe and my tour is about to end. I think I have Europe coming up in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, uh, in the next year. I'm not going to tour again ever, you're not, well, not, you're not going to tour ever again. And I'm, I will bet money on that. You're not going to tour ever again. Ever again.

You will not. I'll never do dates. No, no, no. You'll do sporadic dates at casinos here, big money grabs, but you're not going to do a tour. the way we the way my tour right now uh permission to party world tour starts october 19th in rockford illinois october first at red rocks and i will do that for the rest of my life because i like that more than other things okay i don't like things yeah look at these tour days still lose minnesota eugene oregon morrison colorado salt lake city oh idaho falls napa nampa yamaica

lincoln just go to burpherburtt com that's how you know you're not getting the shit tickets from Scalpers, go to burp-probert.com. But I will tour for the rest of my life. Can I tell you, by the way? What? I just saw it. I was looking at dates. You know, sometimes you're surprised.

You're like, expecting like, yeah, I hope it's a good show. And then you're just so fucking blown away by it. Yeah. The Modus Center in Portland. Oh, yeah. Last year when I did it, that's one of the most fun shows I've ever done. Am I doing that? Yeah.

Oh, really? October 12th. Yeah. I'm doing, uh, I think I'm going. Secret time. I'm going to have tour dates coming up in January that I'll announce soon. But I think I'm going to go back to theaters. I'm doing them right now to prepare for the taping. I believe you do, you should practice in the venue that you're taping in.

I will. I didn't realize that until. I noticed that it's such a pivot right now from like for the last year and a half we did arenas. And then we went to theaters last week. And I was like, oh, it is definitely. a timing difference, the flow, it is completely different. So I'm, I'm happy that I'm doing it because the taping isn't one. And I think you should always tee up if you're going to tape in the, in the venue that you're doing that in, you know. Well, we signed up for this one, this, you know, fall tour of permission to party. And I just was, I wasn't even thinking. I was like, yeah, let's do arenas again. Because I love them. I do love arenas. Yeah. And I think there's,

I think there's something to be said for doing arenas and doing a Netflix special because all the energies on the screen. That's all people look at. But what I realized is I don't have as much ramp up time as I did before. So I have to get ready in half the time. So I, and I was like- So you're taping another? I'm taping another one, yeah.

In next year? Yeah, in 2006, I think. And so I have to- Pretty quick. I know. And so I have to do double the shows. So I was like, I can't do arenas. Because if you do arenas, they go,

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Wednesday and Sunday are not packed because it's an arena. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Thursday is, maybe it's good and you never know. Friday and Saturday, you're hot shows. And I was like, yeah, you can do theaters, do Wednesday, two shows, Thursday, two shows, Friday two shows, Saturday two shows, Sunday two shows. And then I can get double the reps in. And taking 15 months off was the greatest thing I ever did for my stand-up.

That's great. I'm so much happier with how. Were you really off that long? Yeah, 15 months. Wow. Yeah. And then I'm happy to announce that I'll never tour again. You'll never tour again.

I'm telling you right now, because you're killing it on such a different level in parts of the business that you are as well interested in. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I mean, we'll see. No, I mean, trust me, I say this as an outsider. What did you get picked up? Bad thoughts got picked up within a week of it premiering? no it was a few more it was like a month really month yeah it was a month but you have bad thoughts you just

did a movie i know you have other stuff lined up and i think that you're going to get caught up in that and i think i think your mom's house is going to i think it's going to get very big and you're going to have your production arm where you're just making movies and tv shows and then you'll have the podcast arm but i think you know i think i don't know i could get deep in this but i think podcasting is is inundated i think there's a lot of people doing podcasts right now and it's something that you've done and you've kind of, you've kind of gotten to the top of the mountain at, you know,

and you've, you've, you have now one of the biggest podcast companies out there. I think you're always going to be interested in the challenge. And so that's why I really see you kind of veering away from standup. I bet you'll do this next special. You'll take a huge fucking break. And then you'll sign up for one for like $20 million over at Hulu.

Okay. Cool. Hey, man, from your mouth, the God's ears. Thanks. We'll see how it comes. Bro. Did we talk about? No. We haven't talked about on the podcast how fucking fun FSU was. Did we?

No. Oh my God. There's something. Listen, I've always told people, there's people who kind of like casually follow sports. There's people who don't follow sports. And then there's sports lovers. I will always say that there is

no point of being a fan if you're not emotionally invested in a team. Like you just have to be emotionally. And here's what's important. It's important that you suffer. That's part of it. You have to suffer if you're a fan. When FSU, like, I've been a football fan and I've been an FSU fan since I was probably like eight or nine years old, right? That's when I started to get into like football. And yeah, you're following it as a kid. And the, reason i was for sure drawn to this team as a kid was because they were dominant so it's like as a kid you're just like you they're winning they're beating people you're like that's my team it's like you know it's like being a fan of like superman you're like this is this is who i like and so i i got

all that fun of the late 80s through the 90s and i was like this is how it'll always be and then into the 2000s you know i i experienced like the first time heartbreak and like sadness and frustration and then it got even to the point where it was like I would dissociate when they were bad like I would actually stop watching college football like I would only get it peripherally because that's how much it bothered me when they weren't doing well and then I got the resurgence of the Jimbo Fisher teams where you're like this is this is what I signed up for and like the excitement and we went to that national championship game and I was over the moon, and then I remember almost breaking a television in a hotel room

when they lost the Oregon game, the next year, and they played terribly in this game. I remember, like, James fumbling, and I was just losing my mind, and that's part of it. But one of the things that is so fun in sports, and I think particularly in college football, is being an underdog at home, especially. to kick off a season where they're bringing in the Goliath of college football and everybody's like,

you're going to get your ass kick today. Everybody's like that and you're at home and there's 80,000 people and you're like, man, like the atmosphere and part of you is like, yeah, I understand why they're saying that.

I mean, the team was just deplorably bad last year and they were two and ten. It was just like, what is this shit? right and i i did dissociate in parts of the year i just couldn't i was like this is unfucking believable this is happening but to be in that atmosphere and have that energy and then my friend does the pregame speech which was just completely insane and we're there and we're on the field or with the coaches we're like dapping up players and like and then you to actually see you're like

what's going to happen because like bama scored and you're like oh fuck this could be this could be bad, but to see them bounce back and to have defensive stops and then to actually move the ball and be able to score. And you could feel the momentum growing. And just being around people who were just like, there was those guys in the suite that were like, ain't no motherfucking Todd rolling in this motherfucker like just yelling that shit. And you could feel the energy just picking up and seeing them win that game. It was so goddamn exciting. I mean, it's why I love sports and it's why I love college football. It was the best. It was one of the funnest.

I said to Leanne, if I had to Groundhog Day one weekend, I'd do that weekend every day. Oh, dude. Yeah. It was so great, top to bottom. It was like, it was so nice. You know, I don't know, everything was great. That fucking speech, I couldn't have done it without you and Kirk. Because they gave me, I mean, just so we're all clear, like, they gave me a script of, you know, what direction it should go in.

And I was cool with that. I think it was, it was very helpful, you know? Yeah. But then you and Kirk were like, just getting in my ear, you're like, dude, fuck it. Let emotion take over. Yeah, yeah. Just fucking go, just go wild. That's the time to do it.

Yeah. It was fantastic, man. It was so great. The pop when I said, the pop when I said, because it's true, is I, you know, I didn't know anything about, I didn't know anything about community or anything or like, or like what it's like to have a team. Because we were, we were Bucks fans growing up. And I liked Florida State, and I wanted to go to Florida State. And I followed it during Dion, but I wasn't, like, crazy about college football until I got to Florida State.

And my dad said, buddy, that, let me tell you something. You're about to experience something that's so precious. Like, not a lot of places have this. And you get to go to college where college football is king. And he's like, and Bobby Bowden's a coach. And he goes, when you see them throw that spear. I was 18 years old, I didn't even know what he was talking about. I remember sitting in that end zone when there were wooden bleachers back.

This is 1991, and they had just slowly renovated Dote Campbell. They had just done like the away sidelines, I think. And man, I, when that spear went into that, that Seminolehead, I started crying and I didn't know why. I wasn't like I am today where I cry nonstop for nothing. Like I cried for real. I was an 18-year-old kid, a pledge around a bunch of fraternity brothers, and I had to hide it and uh i had not planned on saying that and when i said when i cried those tears came out

garnet gold the place just went go and i went oh fuck 70 000 people cheering was like crazy i know and now i've been on the field on the field twice when osceola comes on and like they took us out they took us out to the seminal head it's insane yeah it was so it was i mean thank you to uh michael Alfred and everybody. Michael and Laura, thank you so much. Thank you to the president and his lovely wife. And it was awesome. Thank you to Barnon, William Floyd, to Danny Canal, to work done.

How, how deer in the headlights was work done when he saw me? Yeah, he was just like, why is there a homeless guy here? And then, and then like, thank God, Danny Connell was like, no, it's okay. Don't be scared. He's allowed to be here. He didn't sneak in. He was terrified. He was terrified.

what is going on yeah and i had no he had no recollection of sitting next to me at graduation dude i almost tripped out when when the when the coaches the coaches ran on and they were like dapping us up yeah one by one like all the the the staff basically i didn't realize that ernie sims was there like he's one of he was in i was just like oh yeah yeah i didn't know he was on the coaching staff i didn't know that fucking peter warwick was there we went up and when he was he was on the field oh yeah dude Yeah. It was a who's who.

Yeah, it was, it was lit that day, dude. When they had that one big touchdown score, there was a tide game and then we pulled ahead, I was in the middle of changing shirts. And you know what I have to do as the next tour? I got to fucking, because I love college football and the atmosphere so much. I need to just do a tour where I go and I do a show Friday in towns and have Saturday off and just go. just do like, you know,

Ole Miss, LSU, Ohio State, Notre Dame, like, just do all the big schools and go to game. I think I would have an absolute blast doing that. Well, put me on that tour because that would be fun. We could put a group of guys. We could put a group of guys on that tour that like college football.

Me, Hugh, Gillis, and we just do Friday night. I'll go see the game Saturday. Yeah. All right. What, what, okay, top, so 10 places to go watch a game that you never watched the game i've never watched the game anywhere so i have like well yeah that'd be i mean so i would love to see a game i'd love to see a game in the big house in michigan

yes i would love to see a game you know at ohio state uh horseshoe i would love to see a no a game at notre dame yes never seen a game there i would love to see a game at virginia tech in blacksburg because that atmosphere is fucking legendary and bananas um I would love to see a Texas A&M game, which is like, it's very doable. It's not that far. It's just that like you have to have an open Saturday. You know, we're always working on Saturdays. Like in the fall, I almost never have Saturdays off.

So that would be one. I would love to go to a game in Gainesville. I would love to go to the swamp. Swamp's pretty fucking intense. I bet that would be fun. LSU. LSU. At night, Clemson.

I want to go to Penn State. That would be a whiteout game. would be incredible. It would be fucking incredible. I did go. I saw a game a couple years ago. I went to a Wisconsin game. It was Ohio State at Wisconsin,

Camp Randall, which was fucking awesome. That was an incredible atmosphere. Yeah, I'm trying to think. I've been to Clemson, and I'll never go back to that fucking stadium. Really? The hottest place I've ever been in my entire life. I've never, and I grew up in Florida,

that was the hottest experience of my fucking, I was pouring waters over my head. I felt like I was in the sauna. Yeah, that's rough. I used to go to Orange Bowl games all the time, like Miami games because we were closer to it. But I've never been to where they play now. Oh, I want to go to, I want to go to Ole Miss.

Oh, dude, Ole Miss. Or Tennessee. I've been to Ole Miss games, and I've never been to Tennessee. You know where I also would love to see a game? Fucking Eugene, Oregon. I've been to a few of those games. That seems like a lot of fun. Buddy.

that you know what the stadium's not that big Google how big their stadium is yeah it's like 55 it's not that big of a stadium but there's a moment where because you know that's where Animal House was filmed 54,000 54,000 that's where Animal House was filmed and so one of the songs they sing and it is the most

musical place you've ever watched the game but one of the songs they sing is a little bit louder now but when they go a little bit softer now the whole stadium is in a whisper the whole you could hear a dime drop and then it changes a little bit louder now it is that place is fucking incredible if i had it open i would go next i would go saturday to watch a game there that's how appealing that is to me it's it's that's one of the most and that team is fucking great it's like it's showtime it's always showtime there they're always fucking lighten it up it's fun to watch. God. All right. Let's, let's try to plan. We had tried to do that a little bit this year,

but your schedule was crazy, my schedule was crazy, and we couldn't do it. We also, we should point something out. So we have our bets coming up, right? Yes. So while I'm in Ohio and you're in Illinois, we're both going to bet the spread on our teams up until October 19th, because that's as far as draft kings will let us go. Okay. And then we'll see where things are after that. And then we'll take our whatever, hopefully our winnings and be able to decide what we're going to do.

And then we'll have to have contestants participate like after that. Yes. On whether, you know, how much they love you or how much they hate you. Oh, by the way, you don't need to DM me and say, can you please get me in to be one of the people that hate you? I hate you so much. And then I'm like, thanks, man.

He's like, you have no idea. You have no idea. The only reason I follow your channel to just, it makes me crazy angry. Awesome, man. Yeah. How are we going to, okay. Can I, can I, okay, so that's our deal, right?

Yeah. Okay, now can I pitch you our million dollar idea? Yeah. You ready for this? Yeah. Me and you are going to pimp an only fan's page. We're going to pimp. So we're going to be an only fan's page.

content creators, pimps? Pimps or managers or producers, whatever, but pimps is a more accurate word. What we're going to do is we're going to find someone a fan of ours who has no only fan presence at all. Like very little. I'd say none. I'd say none. Well, none, that means like, do they have a channel?

You got to have someone that's... I think it's better if we take a virgin flower. Someone who's like, I've not even thought of doing this. And we're like, you should be a whore. this and go and go let's because I mean okay we can take a porn star and just pimp her out and just I guess more people go see her no but I'm saying who's got like a low key presence find a low key presence okay I think somebody who's already doing it okay so that you're not like going like you should sell your bot like they should be already doing it okay so we'll take a low key

presence okay and then we will simply manage their account okay we will help them build a Promote the shit out of them. Promote the shit out of them. But we take a very small cut. Okay. Now, my original pitch was to Rachel, who works in my office. My original pitch, and it got shut down by every woman in here. And I had to a fucking fight about how this is a content house.

And this is fucking different than everything you fucking know. I am so tired, Tom, of women talking to me. Like, they're fucking, you know what? Yeah, equals. I get it. Do you know what? Can I, okay, hang on. What I said to Rachel was, and this was just, we're on a podcast.

We're going to have to edit it out because someone got uncomfortable. By the way, they're listening to this downstairs and they're fucking getting uncomfortable again. Someone got uncomfortable. Not Rachel, not Rachel, not Rachel. I said, what's your price point for me to buy your OnlyFans? Where, like, what would be, like, if I said $100,000 a year and then we run an OnlyFans for you in the office, like, what's your buyout? Like, what if it's $500,000 a year? What if it's a million dollars?

a year. And she was like, oh, a million a year, yeah. I go, you got to get naked. And she goes, no, that's fine. A million dollars a year. And then, you know, there's so many women in this house. And they're like, uh, HR violation. And I was like, guys, we're creating content. We're not being real right now. She's not really starting a fucking only fan's page.

We're just creating content. We're just. And so I was like, you know what? Fuck this house. Fuck pretty boy. I'm taking to your mom's house. They're fucking outlaws. So, so. So what, so the original concept was how much to buy out your only fans. Like, what if we gave you a price point? So, you know, we'll get $500,000 right now, but you work for us. Right. Okay. And I understand that we're trying to turning into porn

producers, but, but like, what if we took someone promoted their only fans and kind of managed them? Yeah. Bring them on the pod. Bring on the pod and let the fans have fun with it. One of the things you said to me a long time ago is you yeah you said it's always funer when you guys are working on a joke together you and the fans i don't do that enough yes i don't do that enough yes totally but it is fun now let me ask you this does do you have any opinion on the fact that like can they like creators in that space obviously they cover a full spectrum of activities do you care, does it matter to you how X-rated?

Can they just be like, I like to do nude poses? Or do they have to, like, actually have sex? Like, do you, does that matter to you? So, no. So what I would argue is, and I mean this, I mean this with humility, but I think my career speaks for itself. I think the average person running in oldie fans

isn't looking at it as a white space. they're looking at it as I just got to send pictures of my tits or my feet I got to fart in a jar or whatever I think if you take two outside views and help a creator really create and be different

and really think out of the box we can help build them to a place where all of a sudden you know they're making crazy money on only fans and everyone's like dude this is a fucking awesome only fans it's not just nudity it's it's a whole experience It's the whole experience.

It's something different than just showing tits. Like, I mean... I do like the idea of, like, somehow incorporating the audience into this, like making it a community thing, as opposed to, like, you being like, I'm just your manager. We're taking a look at their business model, and we're restructuring it and saying, listen, lower our price point to get interactions with the fans. So, you know, it's like you really enjoy that guy that shit's in. Been between pieces of bread and eats it, right?

Oh, Martin. Yeah, Martin. But, like, I think there's a way to create an OnlyFans account that's a very fun, that's interactive, that's not just like, hey, I want to watch you fuck this dude. Or I think there's a, but nudity is involved, sexy nudity, fun nudity, like, like, like, a daily down blouse, you know, like where it's like fun and it's not, you know, There's certain things that I find sexy that I go, how come no one does that? You know, like, you know what I really love? And I'll tell you, and I can't find it online. I can't find it.

The best videos are on Instagram where it's like a girl with great tits on a roller coaster and she passes out and her tits almost come out, but they don't. And I just want the nipple to come out a little bit. Do you remember the one in the race car where the girl's tits are jiggling? Like, what if we helped her create the content where the tit came out? Like, you know, like, to create the content that doesn't dick tease you, it sells it. And then you post it online and you go for full video, go to OnlyFans. So, yeah, that's my OnlyFans pitched to you.

I mean, you know, it's a fun idea, dude. Yeah. And I think we build a roster. I think of a fun idea is it's like, this could be somebody who's making like $140 a month and you could essentially really change their life with that if it works out. That's the way, you know, I think moving forward with this podcast, if we choose to do it next week, the, uh, I think, I think our focus should be fan-centric in that, in that, in that, like, we've always done good things for people, you know, when we bought those two stupid houses in fucking Florida, but like, but there weren't stupid houses that was Habitat for Humanity. I know. I just, I'm still angry that I got bullied into, I just, I'm still angry that I folded. What do you mean? I don't know. You really help somebody with that. Yeah, have you seen the house?

I don't even know if the houses are real. I haven't seen it. Yeah, they're AI generated, I think. Really? I can't tell. I thought I saw, today I'm porn, I saw a girl's tick her foot in a girl's ass, and I was like, this is AI. God damn it.

You're sure? I'm almost 100% certain, yeah. Toes or just like the whole foot? Up to her ankle, Tom. Inner ass? Inner ass? And I was like, this is link? Link?

Yeah. Yeah. Send it? I'd like to review. I bet I can, hold on. I bet it's, I bet if I just go backwards a couple pages, it comes up. Ooh. You ready?

Oh, my God. I think we found multiple versions. Oh, wow. Holy shit. Hang on. That was a good one. Fuck, man. Which one is it?

Is it one of those? No, but apparently it happens a lot. I mean, it looks like it's happening quite a bit. that is nuts the uh i think we you know it's like look we i think we're more creative than this yeah this probably isn't good for my brain um so wait so i want you to settle a fight i had with leanne yeah please tell me okay now i'm i i understand how you're going to hear this because you know me okay okay yeah i have a tendency to this i have a tendency i have a tendency to make my life

mythical and I have a tendency to talk in hyperbole but always remember it is fact-based first okay as fun and wild as it gets it starts in truth

okay so you're you're taking your youngest to college we're moving her into her house in college okay and Leanne and Ila go to world market and they buy a

armoire beautiful armoire I didn't see the armoire until it got to the truck and when I lifted it to put in the truck I went this might be too heavy for the house like meaning like I don't know how we're going to get this upstairs

around a corner the house is built like 1918 so it's like this is it's not like it's big hallways everyone weighed fucking 98 pounds back then so let me know so we get it to the house and I'm already upset

because I wanted to go to lunch and Ila didn't want to go to fucking lunch. She wanted to get this armwarp Back to our house. I'm starving. I'm hungover. I didn't get to work out. None of this is my day.

I'm getting, I'm on someone else's schedule, which is already pissing me off. We go to take it up into the house. And Leanne and Ila are carrying one side. They're carrying the top. I'm carrying the bottom.

I think this armour has to be around. I'm ballparking it. 400 pounds. Okay. I'm guessing. I mean, it's, it's easily, I can tell you what I can deadlift. and I can't and and but it's let's just ballpark at it let's say 225 pounds is pretty fucking

abbey let's say it's 225 pounds of square block so now I'm with Ila Leanne her friends Leanne's dad and Leanne's friend and I'm frustrated and I'm angry and uh I'm going to say the name of the city not that it's important but I'm going to say the name of the city can you guys just bleep it out for me and Leanne says you know what? I think we leave it here. I said, I think we get it upstairs. Where is it right now? It's right now. It's on their first floor. And I was like, I said we get it up the stairs. It's going to be a little bit of a thing, but I'll be doing all the heavy lifting. If you and I can carry it at the top, I'm carrying the majority of the weight. And Leanne goes, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to task grab it tomorrow. And I'm going to get too strong, two actual strong guys in here to get it up. And I said, I'm one of the strongest man in this fucking city. And she went, and they all laughed. They all laughed. They all laughed. And I said, everyone's stop. I'm without a doubt, one of the top 0.5% strongest men in this fucking city.

If anyone's getting up there, it's fucking me. You're not going to find two men on task grab it stronger than me. And they're all laughing. But Tom, I need you to back me up in this. Okay. I bench 325 pounds. I did 2.95 five times the other day. That is 0.5% strongest men in the world without a doubt.

I'm with you. I'm with you. I am one of the strongest men in that fucking city. Without a doubt. I'm not disagreeing with you. And that's why you fucking respect your friends. That's why fucking bros over hose because I had a bunch of hos laughing at me. And I was like, guys, I bench 325 pounds.

and they're like, that doesn't mean anything. Well, no, it does mean something. It means that you're pretty strong, dude. You look like an ox, dude. Yeah, thank you, Sean. Sean took some pictures on my back and sent it to me. Nice. Yeah.

So what happened to the Armour? I couldn't. It was too heavy. Did they find two dudes to lift it up? I think it's going to stay downstairs. Okay. That's awesome. That's awesome.

That's great. That fucking Eila Chrysler, man, if you get, if, if, if all you got to do is get her to give a fuck, give a fuck about something and she is the most focused individual. Now, sadly, the only thing she really gives a fuck about is herself. But if you, she is. Where'd that come from? I have no idea. Leanne was like, Leanne and Georgia. It was me, Georgia, Leanne and Ila.

and Georgia and Leanne kept making fun of me and Ila because I, we had dueling panic attacks. So we went to cost. I wish I could tell you exactly where Ila went to college because it's that much funnier. We got this armour that had to hang out the back of an SUV. So it's sticking out. It's fucking huge.

It's seven feet big. It's sticking out. The girls are crammed up. And Ila's like, hey, we just need to take this. straight home, someone's going to steal it. I go, it's fucking 400 pounds. No one's going to steal it. And she goes, dad, it's an expensive armour. And it said, I go, Ila, we're in one of the nicest areas in the world. No one's stealing a four. No one's going to steal a 400 pound armour, let alone have a vehicle to get it in. We're going to eat. And Ila and I had matching panic attacks

about her thing getting stolen and me needing food. And they were dueling panic attacks. And I just kept taunting her and she kept taunting me. And Leanne, and georgia sat back and they're like this is like watching a dog bark at a mirror i was like so fucking living i was like yeah i got a lot of fucking crime around here i look at all these criminals a lot of people have felonies here she was like dad you just because they're just because they're all in fucking polos and khakis and white people didn't mean they don't have felonies they can commit corporate crimes and i'm like that doesn't mean they're stealing a fucking armoire ila yeah yeah yeah but she got she won right because she won't she won and i then

do a temper tantrum for the rest of the day. Yeah, I bet. That'd be cool. Teach you a lesson. Teach you a lesson, dude. All right. We're going to be, well, we're both on the road. So check out burp-burth.com,

tomsegore.com for our tour dates. My tour comes to an end in December. I shoot a special in November and then I'm done in December. And then what else? Oh, we're placing our bets. Placing our bets. In our respective states. me in Ohio, you in Illinois.

How do we field these only fans, ladies? That's a, dude, I don't. What do you, what do you guys think? How do we field Burt's submissions? You think we do a website or something or what? I think they just. They can do an email. Yeah.

Which email, guys? Two bears one cave at gmail.com. And also feel free to DM the YMH Studios Instagram page. And DM me too. I don't want to see them. Oh, I need to log into them. Yeah. And then the next episode, we'll have a list of people who are up for debate. Wait, for the email, it's the number two in the word bears. Correct. And then the number one in the word cave at gmail.com. The number two bears, the number one, and then cave at gmail.com if you want to email or you can DM the YMH Studios email account.

And we could just pull submissions from that. You're going to get. bombarded, dude. I can't wait. Okay. My testosterone is way too high. I'm jerking off twice a day. Are you serious? It's bad.

Maybe dial it back a little? I got good gains. Okay. Keep doing that. Keep jerking off twice a day at 52. That's good. It's great. It's starting to hurt.

I mean, I would maybe refrain a little bit. That's it. It was fun. We love you guys. We'll see you next week.