2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Jelly Roll Called The President A Fat Pig | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: September 7, 2026

SPONSORS: Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com Visit https://ethos.com/BEARS Sign up for your free trial at https://shopify.com/bears Sign up now and join over 14 million people already investing with Acorns. New customers get a $20 bonus investment just for signing up. Head to https://acorns.com/bears to claim your $20 bonus today. Limited time offer. Terms and conditions apply. See https://acorns.com/terms for details. New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days - includes all markets. Welcome back to 2 Bears 1 Cave! This week Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dive right in with Jelly Roll's headline-grabbing Kimmel monologue where he addressed the president as "from one fat pig to another." Bert then takes full credit for Jelly Roll's weight loss and the entire genesis of the Two Bears 5K, because technically he was in the room when that casually became a thing. They also have exciting news, a new 5K is coming in April and it's going to be bigger than ever. From there, Bert opens up about the panic attacks he's been having, severe, physical, and rooted in something he now understands: a complete lack of childhood bedtime structure. Tom grew up getting nightly Catholic prayers, a sign of the cross from mom, and the full rosary in the car for any trip over ten minutes. Bert grew up watching Letterman alone at nine years old at 3am while his dad slept off a ten mile run. The bears compare notes on childhood bedtime routines, how they each put their own kids down now, and what sleep anxiety looks like when it hits a grown adult, including Bert's most recent 36-hour panic attack that started when a friend told him he yawns too much and he forgot how to do it. He couldn't yawn for a day and a half. He finally yawned in couples therapy. That's where we are. They also get into Mel Gibson getting lightly canceled for mocking a sign language interpreter (on the scale of Mel Gibson incidents, this doesn't even register), a game of complimenting Salma Hayek on the one thing she's never heard in her 60 years on earth, Tom Hardy's new rap album, Jonah Hill's white belt jiu jitsu bravado and whether he'd actually beat Jason Bateman's ass, the Eddie Bravo black eye that made Bert walk out of a jiu jitsu class without ever taking his jeans off, and the Times Square Stabber whose fat padding made every taser completely ineffective and whose stabbing motion made this incident appear beyond ridiculous at first. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 338 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Bet with DraftKings Sportsbook to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days OR Trade with DraftKings Predictions to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. Event contract trading involves risk of loss. Predictions offer void in New York. Non-withdrawable Rewards issued as Fifty dollar click-to-claims every seven days for twenty-one days. Terms at https://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:18 - Jelly Roll Called Trump A Fat Pig on Kimmel 00:15:49 - Mel Gibson's Sign Language Incident & Cancel Culture 00:22:32 - Childhood Bedtimes & Panic Attacks 00:33:38 - Putting Kids to Bed & Bert's Sleep Anxiety Deep Dive 00:41:44 - Bert Forgot How to Yawn and Had a 36-Hour Panic Attack 00:51:25 - Salma Hayek At 60 00:55:47 - Tom Hardy's Album, Shapeshifters & Jonah Hill's White Belt Energy 01:05:56 - The Times Square Waddling Stabber Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Hey guys, new two bears one cave And Tom's catching up on his kimmels Okay, man Oh You liked that, didn't you? That was pretty good. Yeah, yeah.

So what happened, bro? It was just Jelly Jelly, Jelly, we're all called the president of fat pig. when did it wait on TV like on his like they are press a fat pig how did he did it he did it he didn't he didn't he did it in guy what happened he said he said

I think I mean I watched it but I'm paraphrasing so he said he said Mr. President from one fat pig to another. And then what? He got lit up about that. It's so funny because no, there's like, there's a couple of like all-weight consistent lightning rods for like

people to go crazy online. And a lot of them are around the president, right? Like that like he is just, he's so polarizing that like his supporters go fucking nuts in comments. And

And then his, the people that, that hate him go crazy. And like, and then there's some, like, diagram of, like, Kimmel in that because he's such an outspoken critic. And people go crazy on him online where you just, like, it's wild that he's an outspoken critic of a sitting president. And people go nuts on him for just for that. And then if you, if, like, I'm sure when Jeldy was like, I'm going to. a host that he probably got bombarded with crazy online hate about that. Yeah. So he was he like in his monologue just going, hey, from one fat pig to another?

This is insane. And then people were like, what the fuck? What's crazy too is that Trump, you know, a big thing for him was to criticize Biden so much on his mental state, right? Like, he was just like your fucking auto pen and like, this guy's fucking not even there. Like he would just call him senile. He was like, this guy's out of his fucking mind.

But then in, particularly in this presidency, he is so clearly physically and mentally falling apart. Like his cognitive stuff is clear that he's not as sharp as he was. He fucking falls asleep. He's definitely put on weight. He moves around differently than he did before. He doesn't look healthy. And he's 80.

You know, I mean, like, it's like, I'm not saying. 80's different, man. My dad is. 80's different. My dad said to me the other day, he goes, my buddy called and he said, 70, 70 is the new 60. And I said, yeah. And he goes, but 80's still fucking 80. 80s.

Yeah, yeah. 80's fucking 80. If he were just an 80-year-old business. businessman, no one would really, I think, spend that much time on it. But when you're the president of the United States, you know, there's a lot that obviously goes with that. And it's fair to. And also he's always done these BS reports from his physicians that you read.

They're like, I've never seen anyone in better health. Like you're like, what is this, dude? What are you talking about? Like, you're clearly manipulating paying this guy to say this shit. It's always bullshit. He's like, Trump came in here, and I was like, what are you, a fucking Olympian? And then that's the official report from the doctor. So, sorry, but Jelly said that.

And then what? The next day he had to go like, I didn't mean that or what? No, no, he meant it. Okay. He said it. And then I think he said it on like Tuesday or Wednesday. I did Thursday. I said, don't shoot Friday.

So I was the very last episode. And he did a monologue that I think was very well received. I'm not sure. You know, it doesn't matter, really, because part of this country won't hear you. Yeah. And the other part of the country will only hear you. So, like, it's like there's... What was he telling him in his, in his pig address? Was he telling him about, like, losing weight or something?

Yeah, I think he was talking about losing weight, I guess. He's like, hey, Mr. President, from one fat pig to the other. It's so crazy. I think that's the response he was looking for. Yeah, it's so crazy to hear someone say, like, Mr. President. from one fat pig to another. Yeah. You got to do more steps.

And so he was, and I, I didn't hear it from Jelly, but I did hear it from his manager. His manager was like, was like, yeah, man, it's been pretty wild. And, but, you know, everyone at Kimmel, I think they deal with this every day. Every day. Every day. They probably don't bat deny at that. And Jelly didn't say anything to me personally.

Like, he didn't, he was like, he was like, this. This has been great. It's been a blast. And he was like, this is going to be awesome. It's me and you. We got Leslie Mann on. Like, we talked and we hung out. And he was awesome. He did give a monologue that I think they edited it down that was like 20 minutes. And I think if I'm not mistaken, and once again, I'm paraphrasing.

And I'm speaking for a celebrity, which I should not do. But he's a friend of mine, so I think I'll do it. I'll speak for him and Rogan or the two people I'll speak for. He was saying, ultimately his biggest regret. is the Grammys. I think that's what, if you were going to say like, there's a thing that he thinks about,

it was his, when they pulled him aside of the Grammys and they were like, yo, what's your political stance? And who did you vote for or whatever? And he didn't, he didn't want to make a statement because he thought it would be taken as a political statement.

And in not making statement, it was made into a very political statement. And that was his regret. And that was what his monologue was about. And that, and quite honestly, he reiterated shit, we already know about jelly. Listen, I think if you're a fan of jellies, then you're a fan of jellies.

If you all of a sudden decide that you're not a fan of jellies because he made a joke about the president. Being a fat pig. Yeah, being a fat pig, I don't think you were there for the ride. Yeah. This is a guy that's been in prison. I mean, he's got, he's got, he's got, you know, a textured history. So, like, there's way crazier things said about presidents. Like, it's for that to like blow you away.

It's like, yeah. People say wild shit about presidents all the time. You're the most famous person on earth. I called the Ann. I called the Ann. I talked about you in the thing. I talked about you and Jelly in my panel. Really?

Yeah, but casually, not, it didn't turn out as good as I wanted it to. What did you say? Nothing. There's nothing really. You just said you had something to talk about. So what is it? No, no. I was like, no, no, no.

That actually wasn't what I was talking about. Oh. He said something, I don't know what, I don't know how we got on it. But he was like, how, I, I, oh, he asked me, I, okay, I'm going to paraphrase this Kimmel because you didn't see it. Okay. He talked about, I told him that I personally should have been responsible for all's weight loss, that I am the reason. He lost weight. And I believe that. I actually fully believe that. You told him that.

I told him that. And he agreed. And he knows that I'm not inaccurate. I'm off. He did a lot of hard work. He had trainers. He ate right. Discipline. Daddy, yada, yada. But if we had not, if you, we came in that one day and we needed content for two bears. You had run a 5K with your buddy. I think that has cancer or something, right? Down in Florida. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you were like, hey, it was fun. That's all you said. Yeah. And you're like, now I understand why you do those things. And then we're like, what are we talking about? And I was like, I don't know. And you're like, when's this episode dropped? They said, New Year's Day.

I said, we'll talk about New Year's resolutions. And we said, we should throw a 5K by May. That's it, casually. Casually, we came up with that idea on the thing. We called, it was great content because we called everyone. Jelly saw that and went on the Nelk Boys. By the way, I got to put in a pin in here. Any, don't let me forget, Kyle from the Nelk Boys. It's the coolest thing I've ever seen. Just Kyle. Okay. So I say that he goes on elk boys. He goes, I'm going to do the 5K. Now, I think he's responsible technically for the success of 5K because he says on the knellke boys. It goes into People magazine. All of a sudden, Netflix wants to buy it. All of a sudden, we're having a huge 5K. Next year, we're doing another one, guys. We haven't announced to yet. We have another 5K coming out. It's going to happen beginning of April. It's going to be fucking bigger than you've ever could imagine. But that 5K changed his life. And I casually said to him, I remember the moment where me, you're You, Leanne, and Bunny. And then I realized they had gotten divorced. And I said, you know, and I kind of stumbled, I think.

And I was like, you know what I mean? And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, and then I, you know how he just talk? Yeah. And I go, everyone's getting fucking divorced. And he goes, yeah. And I think he was going to go, Tom. And I said, I go, man, it's like everyone's buying new cars.

And I'm still driving around in a beater. Leanne is in the green room with Georgia. I can hear her gasping from the green room But I'm like but it gets a laugh So I'm like I go and he goes Leanne's not a beater and I go well she's not a new car I was like you know done have the new car smell like it's not like I It's like a 92 Mercedes it's a good car

It's dependable it starts but it doesn't turn heads at valet anymore And and then I realize I can like literally hear everyone laughing backstage because it's through the tunnel. And it's because Leanne's in the back. And I'm like, okay, I love my wife. I'm whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so that's how I ended up talking about you and Leanne. But he was totally fine.

And then we talked about something I do want to talk to you about. I talked about it on Kimmel. I do want to talk to you about it, but we'll get into a second. But you're going to remember what it is? 100%. Okay. So, but yeah. And so I don't think it was affecting Jelly personally the stuff that he said

about the president, but I think what was affecting him is this stuff that he didn't say at the Grammys. You know? Yeah. Everyone wants to be, everyone wants you to take a side and they want it to be their side. Yes, that's right. And then they go, oh, I like you because you took my side or I fucking hate you because you didn't take my side.

Yeah. And people go, it's that simple. I'm certain there's people right now going, well, we've heard Tom's side. What about Bert's side? And then I go, I don't talk about anything because Tom, you were with me when I found out we were at war with Iraq. Iraq? Iran. Iran. We're with our war with our Iran. I ran. I was with you when you felt yes. When we were at MacDill and they're like, yeah, we're at war. I was with you when you discovered

you were 52. That was with you. That's why I don't talk about politics. This episode is sponsored by Blue Choo. When you take a Blue Choo, get ready to meet your new dick. He's confident. He walks into the room with his chin up, makes eye contact. People look back at him. Stuff's crazy. I think mine kind of talks. It whispers to me. He's like, we're the cock of the wall. You know what that means? I know what that means. Hey, let's go find her. Send her a text.

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Yeah, I mean, I don't think I talk about politics really much either, to be honest. No, no, no. I'm not even particularly interested in being politically, you know, involved in like throwing out opinions on there. I just feel like, you know, what I said in this episode is like pretty straightforward observational stuff, man. Yeah. Like calling the president a pig is funny.

and a fat pig. A fat pig. And it's not in the grand scheme of things. One of the crazier things you could say. Like, it's not that crazy. It's not one of the craziest things the president said. No, yeah. He says such wild shit.

I think he called Rosie O'Donnell a fat pig, didn't he? He's called her a pig before, yes. He's called her a pig. He's also, I mean, every week he says stuff that would take down anybody else in politics. Anybody else. It would be. be a career ender and it's just like we're just saying that Billy Bush Billy Bush. Yeah.

He got he he he faced peril for what Trump said. Yeah, near him. Near him. It's so, I'll say this, whatever you think about, um, Trump and what he said, you know that like 99% of people, even people who disagree with him at that point would have been like, Yeah, man. Like, no one goes like that. Don't speak like that. People do that around famous people, you know, athletes.

If they're saying wild shit, you just go like, yeah, man, for sure. You don't spend your time going like, you know, that's not really appropriate to say that. I hope you're not actually doing what you're saying. No one does that. It's funny to see like, because there were rules to old cancel culture that people still try to apply. They're like, it's almost like watching, it's almost like watching a hot chick that's older, like a 60-year-old hot chick who's aged out. Like, no, no, no, no, no. Like a regular hot chick.

Oh, regular, yeah. That now's 60 and she's kind of falling off. Oh, yeah, that's not so much. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I sit at the bar and try to get the bartender's attention. Something that was so easy for her at 21 is now impossible. And she's confused.

Like, why isn't this working? And like, I think of that when I think. that they tried to cancel, they tried to go after Mel Gibson for making fun of a sign language interpreter. Did you see that? No. Recently? Oh, I have to see that. Please pull that up Mel Gibson. And I was like, and I was doing a radio run for the permission to party tour. So I was calling the radio phoners. And they're like, what did you think about Mel Gibson? Isn't it crazy? And I was like, are you familiar with his work? Yeah. I go, is it worse than the voicemail? He left his ex-wife.

Dude, those were amazing. I mean, he is the greatest at that. Like at the, hey, ah, my bad dog. So he's right here. I see, can you hit that clip? Winning a legendary man himself. Mr. Mel Gibson. That's it.

That's it. That's what he did. And old school cancel coaster came after him like, like, can you believe that? Yeah, that's not. that crazy. It's not that bad. No. Not definitely not. And if you take his body of work, that's definitely not that bad. I bet he didn't lose a wink. For sure. I bet he was like, oh, what's his apology? It says he, if you go back to. I think it was all in caps like he was shouting. I'm sorry. He's apologizing for hand gestures. MelTales sometimes when you get pushed on stage, your mind is all over the place.

Sometimes spontaneous, thoughtless, idiocy is displaced. I mean, that's actually true when you're, you sometimes walk out and you just do something that you're like, whatever, I just was, you're kind of nervous, you know? Yeah. Yeah, that's, wow. And then is there more than that? He had to like say something?

Oh, yeah, scroll down. He adds, there was no intended maliciousness attached. I certainly apologize to anyone who was upset by it. I mean, literally, almost everyone at some point in their life has seen, someone doing sign language and gone like like you know that's a it's all it's juvenile but like

yeah on the scale of like Jews are responsible for all wars and like this like come on we're gonna if you're offended I hope you get raped by a pack up what's the last part

I don't any what was it I don't know that was uh but i think it's kind of funny like when you see like it's you know it's interesting because i think any actual i'm trying to think of the right way to say this because anyone dealing with real shit yeah like was something real in their life yeah sees this and is like huh yeah of course and then people who you know this is a great transition tom this is a great transition

So, cancer culture, for lack a better word, you know, what people coming after jelly for saying the president was a fat pig or Mel Gibson for hand-jiving behind a sign language guy. Yeah. Their outrage is identical to a panic attack. Uh-huh. Meaning, it's very real to them. Their outrage is real to them. True.

But to a rational person, they look like a fucking lunatic. Yeah, you look irrational, for sure. So, like, when you have a panic attack, and I talk. talked about this on on on gel with jelly when you have a panic attack it is very real to you but it's not real uh to everyone else it's actually comical it's actually comical like the thing that makes you literally think i will i cannot live in this world right now i need to get out of my skin this is making me crazy when you tell someone are you feeling earthquakes by the way Am I?

Yeah. Mm-mm. Okay. By the way, if an earthquake happens, I called it. So, um, so I, so I'm going to back in to my panic attacks. Okay. So I've been having panic attacks pretty, pretty regularly and pretty aggressively, like, like, really bad, like beyond bad. And I would love to talk about this on stage.

I don't think it'll ever make it to the stage. So I'm going to talk about it here. I brought it up to Derek Trucks and he thought it was the funniest thing he's ever heard. And I talked about it to Jelly and people reached out and they, people with panic attacks understood me. People without panic attacks think I'm a lunatic. But I want to talk to you about this. Let's start here. As a child, what was your bedtime routine? Like, how did you go to bed? Like, did your dad walk you to bed, read you a book, tuck you in and then go kiss you on the forehead? Yeah, I mean, there was variation. And I, I feel.

feel like in the parent, but I usually said good night to both parents. And I feel like, because I mean, obviously that ends as a pretty young child, you know, like, what age does that end? I mean, walk me through all this because I'll be, I'll be transparent. Yeah. My house was every man for himself, my whole childhood. No one said good night to anyone. Everyone just went their own ways. And often I was left up at two in the morning watching David Letterman at like nine years old. Really? Just wondering 100%.

And that's why I have panic attacks. I found that out in therapy. But I'm curious about, I want to talk about your actual nighttime and go from ages like, as you can remember, to when you started doing it on your own. And then I want to talk about how you put your kids to bed. And I want the listeners to think about their own. Because I wonder if it's generational. Okay.

But like, you're better. Like your parents had a set bed time for you. I mean, yeah. At a young age, I don't remember the time. I don't remember the time. But I do remember getting tucked in. And, you know, my mom's very Catholic. So there was always prayers at night.

So we would always do prayers at night. This makes so much sense. Yeah. So she would pray, say, like these routine nighttime prayers that were always the same prayers at night. and then she would do like the sign of the cross on you to go to bed. Like the Mexican women that send their husbands to work? Yeah, exactly.

Like that. Yes. Hold on. And you're a child and your mom would come in. Yeah. And be like, oh, Tommy. Mm-hmm. To be me.

Yeah. Yeah. Dios me. Yeah, basically. A mother, papa. Yes. And you have to say this prayer. Then she would do a.

And then when I would leave for school, I would get another prayer, leaving the house to go to school. Hold on one second. Yeah. You're not fucking with me. No. You know that's one of my favorite things online. Really?

When Mexican women wake up, any woman that is a little trad and wakes up early to make her husband fucking breakfast or lunch or, and the Mexican women are the best, they make the best fucking lunches. And they get up early, they make lunch. And then they, as they do the sign of the cross on him before he walks out of the door. Yeah. I fucking love that. And you had that as a child?

Yes. That's why you don't have panic attacks because your mom loved you and said the Lord loves you. The Lord's watching over you. Have a great day. Yes. There was a lot. Dude, there's so much prayer. There was prayer before every meal.

There's prayer in the mornings. There was prayer in a car ride over 10 minutes. We would pray the rosary. the full rosary. Are you being serious? Yeah, so much prayer. And then, so what I'm trying to, like, I remember that with her very well, and that's, I feel like that they stop probably, or she would ever stop doing that of like coming in,

put you to bed like that. I feel like that's probably around middle school, you know? I'm trying, I don't remember the exact age. Also, like, you know. I'm thinking, like, seventh grade. I think that's, yeah. Sixth grade, seventh grade. Sixth grade, you're like, I'm probably going to jerk off if you don't mind, you know.

That's what, that's the moment you want autonomy is when you start playing with yourself. Yeah, exactly. Puberty is like in full effect. You start going like, why don't you not come in? I'm praying by myself, Bob. Yeah, I like to pray on my own. Let's talk about investing for a minute. If you're interested in making your money work as hard as you do, it's time to give Acorns a try.

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So she would be like, come on, you've got to get up. Let me, I want to hear. exactly how you got woken up in the morning. And then I'll share mine. Well, she would come in. Also, I'm colorblind, so I would always have like, I'd be like, can you pick something out of there for me? And I would try to get five more minutes.

I would, and then I would, she would pull something out. You were using your disability? Yeah, I was using my disability to get more sleep. And then, you know, she, it was a game. She knew that I was just trying to sleep. She'd colorblind. She'd walk in and you go, mom or Tupac, who is that? Who is that?

I can't tell. Then, no, it was like, it wasn't like how, like, like, wake up, but it wasn't like, good morning, my angel. Like, it was just like. Give me an exact impression. My dad's going to love this. I think it would be like, Tommy, Tompcito, he's time to wake up for school. Like from the, and I go, uh, I'd like make a noise.

And then. Do you want to hear how, do you want to hear how we got woke? up the three of you my my house yeah my dad would stand at the top of our stairs right so our our old house it was you go upstairs and there was no real landing it was just like a hallway one hallway went to my i mean it was it you could go to my room my sister's room or my parents room but it was all there was a like an like a ledge that you know you walked into my parent's room my dad would stand at his door and he'd go it's talking it's talking It's time to get up. It's time to get up in the morning.

That dot, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It's time to get up. It's time to get up in the morning. Really? Really? And were you guys like, shut the fuck up? Oh. Dude, I... What time would you do that?

Uh, I have no idea. And then I'd go in and I'd shower in the dark so I'd panic attacks. So I'd go in. I mean, I imagine if you wake up like that at fucking 10, you're like, God damn it. Yeah. And so I'd go and I'd shower in the dark. I'd no lights. I'd shower in the dark.

Yeah. Because the lights would panic me. Yeah, I'd love sharing the way. And then and then, and then I was very sleepy because I didn't go to bed until, I wouldn't go to bed until like three or four in the morning. How the fuck are you up until that time? That's crazy. Because I had panic attacks.

As a kid, I know everyone in my house just, my dad would go to bed at like seven. 7 o'clock because he'd go out. My dad ran marathons. So he'd come home from work at like 5.30. At 6 o'clock, you'd go for a 10-mile run. He'd come home at 7 o'clock. He'd run 10 miles in an hour, I'm sure. My dad ran fast. He'd come home. He'd eat a chicken breast and broccoli or tuna in a, in a fucking inside of a note. He'd eat tuna in a in a tomato. And then he'd go to bed. He'd go right to bed. He'd go to bed. And my sister said to me yesterday, because I talked to my sister, She goes, if you wanted to go to bed, you had to go to bed with dad. Like, if you wanted to go to bed.

And if you were, and then my mom would do whatever my mom did. She'd often just start watching TV on the couch and then fall asleep on the couch. And then you were just nine years old sitting in a house just going like, I guess I'll watch TV. And then I'd watch Letterman ended. Neither, like your mother wouldn't be like, sweetie, it's time to go to bed. You have school in the morning? No. Why?

That's right. Yeah. It's crazy, right? It's fucking insane. Can I tell you what's even wilder? Yeah. They tried to get Leanne to do that. They were like, what the fuck are you putting them to bed to get for at 7.30?

What are you guys? Mormons? They're like, let them stay up with us. We're going to go out to dinner. We're not going to get a dinner reservation until 8 o'clock. We're going to go out to dinner at 8. Let them go to bed at 10 o'clock tonight. And Leanne was very strict with bedtimes.

Yeah. And that's why our girls are normal human beings. is because they went to bed at 7.30 every night. We walked them in. We read a book to them. I kissed them both on the forehead four times. And we put them to bed. And then if they got up, Leanne will walk them back in the room and put them to bed.

At 7.30, like fucking clockwork. Now, how do your five nannies put your kids to bed? No, I put them to bed at the same time, too, but it's 8.30. But it's later now because they're a little bit older, but it was earlier. But it's pretty much like you have the routine of like the main thing is with those little dudes is you just got to get them in there. Right. So you first are like, come on, we got to get like in peach. Like they have a evening shower.

So they shower. They get into PJs. They have a little time to like play, mess around. And then it's like, all right, go brush your teeth. Never, never. I never. I, to this day, I've never brushed my teeth at night. Unless if I'm getting pussy, I will.

but what i've never i've i brush my teeth if i do one time and it's like usually like in the morning are you're and you're okay well well well well have you told a dentist this you're like i brush my teeth in the mornings only well you know i have a lot of uh i have a ton of dental problems yeah yeah it's all from trauma it's all from getting what about like post dinner you don't want to post dinner cleansing? I floss. I floss probably 15 times a day. Okay. So flossing is the important one for real. So like that's what the dentist say is like I'd much rather you floss than brush. I floss. I've never heard of dentist go just pick one. But yeah, a lot of dentists say if you're going to do one, just do flossing. If you're going to do one. A lot of

dentists. A lot. Almost every dentist says I'd rather you floss them. As a matter of fact, don't brush. Wait, why? But why not brush though? I just I have a problem with toothpaste. Like it just, it throws me off. Like a tactile issue? Tactile issue. There was a period where I was brushing with soap. Okay.

And then I was brushing with hydrogen peroxide for a while. Okay. I just, the taste bothers me. Yeah. So the boys brush. That's by the way. Shout out to, is it nubs? They were a podcast sponsor once.

And they had a great brand. It was these little pills that you'd chew on. And I could get behind that. Okay. But you still do a morning brush. every now and then. Every now and then. I didn't today.

But I did an evening brush last night randomly because I had some weird shit in my mouth. So I make my boys brush. And then we get in bed and then they're like, can we just talk for a minute, man? So they want to hear. They like stories. Yeah.

So they're like to tell stories. So we talk about the day or a lot of times they're like, will you tell us about a time you got in trouble in school? like sure and then they'll want to talk they're like i want to hear uh they'll request a certain type of story and then of course they go like you go all right now it's time for bed and you know there's always a battle but then they go to bed they go to bed usually it's like you try to get them asleep asleep before nine have they ever come into your room in the middle of the night and be

like yo i'm freaking out of course okay good of course so many times yeah yeah yeah And then you fucking walk them back and then you give up. And you're like, just get in there. Fucking go to sleep. Yeah. Do you ever let them sleep in your bed? Yeah, sure. For sure.

Okay. Yeah. That was a big no-no in our house. Well, it's probably a good thing to like, no, know it a lot. But yeah, no, it happens. But they're, you know, they're pretty good, man. Like they will, this is what you learn I think about kids is they'll take as much as they can get. So if you shut things down, eventually kids kind of adapt to whatever those boundaries are but if you give i was just with them

they're great they are great fucking kids how old are they four and six 10 and eight 10 and eight wow yeah that happens fast yeah yeah i just saw them like at christmas yeah that was 10 and 8 that's 10 and 8 that's what 10 and 8 look well no at that time well at that time it was just turned 10 and 7 yeah that's what i thought yeah but now looked a lot like four and six yeah yeah but now looked a lot like four and six Yeah, that's pretty good. I mean, I'm so bad at details. There was a guy that I did a, I did a great show. Steve Fury and Willie, what's Willie's name?

I did a great show. Can you edit that out? I did a great show. Steve, just leave it in. I did a great show. Steve Fury and Willie Simon have a great show that they do over at Friday beers. Yeah. And this guy, I think he might own Friday beers.

He came up. His name's Willie too. and he presented his case that he was in a bad picture and he showed the picture and I saw the picture and I was like why you look horrible in that picture and then he put it wide I was in the picture too

and he was like don't you remember meeting me I have zero recollection of meeting him but I do remember meeting a guy with a very big mustache and I thought that's who he was talking about but it was not I'm living in a world of Bert

yeah I that make that all adds up. Wait, was the panic attacks thing what you wanted to talk about from the show, by the way? Okay. Yes, yes. Okay. So I had, so, so my girls had, it's called sleep anxiety. They were anxious about it? We want to sleep? Very anxious. Like, my girls had it when they were young, and Leanne took them to a therapist, and the therapist taught them ways to cope with sleep anxiety. Christian, who works at my office, he has sleep anxiety. I'm sure there's people listening that have sleep anxiety. And if you don't know what that is, it's when you go to bed and you can't shut your brain off. And your brain starts talking crazy to you. Now, to deal with my sleep anxiety, for a very

long time, I would take a beer to bed with me. And right before I went to bed, I'd murder a beer so that I had a beer inside me, processing as I fell asleep. And that was how I went to bed. Leanne brought that up in therapy the other day. She was like, when I first started dating him, he would take a beer down to bed, two beers. I'd put one on the side. And then I'd murder one. and then I'd have one in case I needed it to go to bed every night, every, every, every. I don't think I didn't bring a cocktail to bed with me up until probably, I mean, honestly, like 50 years old. Dude, I think a lot of your anxiety and everything is rooted in this lack of any bedtime structure. I really think that has a huge effect.

that is what we're finding out right now because I slept really good. I was sober for like six months, seven months, and I slept really good, really good. Every night I'd actually brag to people how good I slept. Yeah, I know. And then all of a sudden anxiety started showing up. I had, I went to bed and I wokely and up and I was like, I'm, and I was shaking. I was shaking. I was sweating.

And I was, it was like a real panic attack. Wasn't like, oh, I feel uncomfortable. It was like physical. And she's like, holy shit, what's going on? She's like, take a Xanax. And I was like, I can't. It's bad. She brought me outside.

I put a blanket around me. I walked in the front yard and she had me point out things that were real. She'd be like, what, it's not real. Remember, it's not real. You're not dying. And I was like, I'm broken. My brain's broken. I think I'm crazy.

I can't get back to reality. I'm fucking dying right now. And I couldn't tell her what it was because I knew the second I told her she was going to make fun of me. And not, and I, in perpetuity, I knew, not in the moment, but I knew she was going to find it ridiculous. What, the root of it? The root of what gave me this anxiety attack. Okay. And the root was, I forgot how to yawn. And that thought was in your head? Paralyzing. Paralyzing. Because in the moment, what, were you trying to yawn or something? Well, the day before I had hung out with this guy who I would call my best friend and casually he said to me,

do you know how much you yawn? And I said, what? And my quote-unquote best friend said, you yawn a lot. And I went, really? I never really noticed it. And that night I went to bed the next day after I'd been in Tampa with this guy.

And I went to bed and I started to yawn. And I went, that's so funny. My friend said, I yawn a lot. I didn't even notice it. And as I went to yawn, I stopped. And I went, oh. I was like, wait, why didn't I yawn? I've been yawning all the time, apparently.

And then I went to yawn again, and I went, hi, hi. And then I was like, what the fuck, man? And then I was like, wait, it's like a sneeze that won't come. Yeah, yeah. I can't yawn. What, this made you crazy anxious. I started, I could feel it in my jaw. I could feel it in the front of my head.

It was like building up. A yawn was building up. And I couldn't get it out. and then I went and I just casually Googled I was like what happens if you don't yawn and they're like that's not a thing it's a reflex you can't stop a reflex and I was like oh my god I fucked my reflexes up so I go to the bathroom and I go how to yawn and it's like open your mouth wide look up and say the word leather so I'm in the bathroom and I'm like leather and it's not happening I'm starting to yawn and I'm like ha ha ha ha and I start losing my mind uncontrollably I mean you can't

yawn that I can't yawn and I fucking start shaking uncontrollably and I I know that I can't say this to Leanne because she's going to be like what the fuck are you talking about and by the way the whole time she's with me as I'm having a panic attack it's three in the morning she's yawning nonstop and I can't I can't How did you come down? How did you resolve it? 36 hours. It was 36 hours.

Of panic? Of panic. Jesus, dude. 36 hours. Did you finally yawn or you just kind of like were able to relax? In couples therapy. That got you to relax.

That's when I yawned. Oh, you yon. She was telling a story in couples therapy. It just naturally came out. I yawned. I just yawned. I knew that if I stopped thinking about it, I would yawn, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. Did you share with her the yawn thing, or did you keep it from her?

I tell her that night. I tell her that night, we're out in the front. I'm naked and I'm in a blanket and I'm shaking. And she's like, what's going on? You got to tell me what's happening. And I said, I forgot how to yawn. And then she yawns. And she's like, what?

And I was like, I forgot how to yawn. And then she was like, that's not a thing. And I was like, it is. I called my sister Cotty. Thank God, Cotty has panic attacks because Cotty grew up in my house where no one went to sleep normal. So I called Cotty. Cotty was the best. She goes, I heard you out of panic attack.

What's going on? And I said, yeah, I had a panic attack. She goes, I don't want to say. She goes, tell me, what was it about? I go, I forgot how to yawn. And she goes, well, at least your tongue fits in your mouth. I went, what? She goes, I had to go on Zoloft.

It shows up every now and then, like, I'll start thinking about it. I was like five days without a sneeze. and I was I was tracking those but it's it's crazy that like it's all it all really lands at in something I've stood against my entire life is structure oh interesting

yeah that the structure is a actually a good thing that you kind of fight against but that you actually want and need I think it's I've lived in chaos I enjoy chaos but I don't think I enjoy it Yeah, the thing is I think you think you enjoy it.

Yeah. But maybe you don't actually. I don't think I do. I don't think you're forced to enjoy whatever the fuck. It's like the like, do you ever see those porn where the guy kind of throat fucks the lady and she's like, and you're like, and then she's like comes away and she's like, that was great. And you're like, I don't think she liked that. And then she's like, no, that's what I do. It's my thing.

That lady. And I have drool all over my jaw. This is a good analogy. I think that's how I am with chaos. I'm getting throat fucked by chaos. And I'm just pretending I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put my head in the toilet and then tell me to I'm a bad boy.

Do you don't think you'd like that at all? No. But I could learn to like it. Yeah, yeah. If that's how love shows up. You're right. People will just embrace whatever they're given. and you normalize it even if it's not good for you.

And you go, yeah, this is what I do. This is what I am. This is who I am. And you kind of need somebody to show you a different way, a different path, in this case, like structure to be like, doesn't this feel better? And you're like, kind of no, because it's unfamiliar. But then you realize, oh, actually, I do like this more.

Yeah. And I bet that happens with obese people. Mm-hmm. Is they like, no, I like my body like this. And then someone's like, That's all you know is that body. The body positivity shit where you're like, ok-dokey, yeah. I mean, have your boys had an overnight yet?

No. No. Well, that's fascinating. No. So has anyone ever spent the night? No. And they've never spent the night. No.

We've had like laid hangouts. They're called sleep unders. Yeah, the sleep under. Exactly. We've had those where like, kid comes. over to hang out to a later night on a weekend or something or during a break and then that kid will get picked up you know wait wait hold on is that normal because like i don't remember i don't know i mean they're pretty young man they're pretty young you know what are they're

four and six 10 and eight four and six yeah yeah still 10 and eight and eight that's pretty young i did i was doing sleepovers at 10 definitely but i would call my parents in the middle of the night because you go to someone else's house and then you don't have any struck what go ahead well I lived so you know my mom's sister and her husband who was my dad's best friend they lived

at one point two houses down from us my literal aunt and uncle are two houses down so when I was like probably six or like maybe seven I was very close with their kids they were in the same order as us.

So I went to spend the night. I was like, I'm gonna do a sleepover. It's a big deal, right? You're like seven years old. It's a really big deal. You're like, I'm going to spend the night over there. But you feel very comfortable because it's family. Like, you know, it's not just like some kids house.

It's like, I viewed them as like my second parents. Yeah. Well, late night, I panicked. I got to go home. I want to go home. There's no worse feeling than that in the world. Yeah. And I walked, and I went, they walked me two houses down back to my place.

And I guess, I think my, I think my, parents were doing it it's black blocked out of my memory but um i was like they said that i was like how come you were like wrestling mom like that oh because you're not in the house so they're gonna fuck yeah they're gonna fuck and i was just like why are you guys wrestling um i don't remember that part at all but i remember being walked back to the house remember being walked back and i was scared i definitely did sleepovers before 10 really 100 percent because i remember I remember calling my parents and being like three in the morning like, yo, you gotta come get me.

This is, this is wild. I'm in someone else's house. There's everyone's asleep. They want to let me turn on the TV. I'm just sitting in a fucking dark room thinking about coffee cakes. They were like, sure, man, we're coming to scoop you up. And my dad would show up, ring their fucking doorbell. Holy shit.

And be like, any of it is underwear probably. I mean, my dad, or running shorts and he'd be like, I'm here to get burnt. And they'd be like, well? And I was like, already packed. I'm like, hey, sorry, Mr. Fagan. Take care. Tell him, tell him, I say goodbye. Patrick, tell him I, when he wakes up in the morning, tell him I'm good.

I'll talk to him tomorrow. I don't like Elvis. And I just fucking bounce. I mean, it was like, you want to talk about a walk of shame. Be fucking nine years old, eight years old. And I have to, dude, I mean, there was no waking up. The panic I had of waking up another parent, a parent that is not mine in their bedroom. Oh, my God.

The closest I've come to it Is when I tried to wake you up When I couldn't find my wallet When I spent the night at your house And I couldn't wake you and push up You guys slept like dead people I couldn't I was shaking you And I was going Tom Tom

Christina and it was like I was like do they have headsets in Like what the fuck I woke up Julian I was like Yo can you help me get the keys your dad's car And he's like I know where they are Give me a second Wait where was your wallet in the car It was in your car

Oh I was losing my mind Oh, Jesus. Yeah, waking up adults in bed is horrific. It's the worst. Dude, we mentioned her earlier. I just want to say this, that Salma Hayek turned 60.

What? And what a fucking gorgeous woman this is? Honestly, Salma Hayek, 60 years old? Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That middle picture. she's fucking incredible dude find out the old age home she'll be going to and bathe her as an orderly

god damn it how what a fucking great job that would be there's got to be a few bangers in an old age home right have to be and they apparently there's a lot of fucking old age homes you know imagine we roll in as orderlies at an old age home we could clean up clean up if that's your thing we salute you miss hyac respectfully um what a fucking talent and a beautiful woman. I bet she doesn't want to hear. I bet she doesn't want to hear. Yeah.

Like when people go, hey, Bert, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen in my entire life. You're my favorite comedian. I think by far there's no one that holds a candle to you. They say that a lot. Yeah. I'm kind of like, yeah, cool, thanks. But when someone says, hey dude, I love your shoulders, I'm like, oh. Like there's certain compliments I get that I go like, that's a fucking real one.

Like someone's like, dude, your hair looks full. You're a lot taller than I thought. Whoa, you're in better shape. You're not as fat. Those are always my favorite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now let's compliment Selma Hayek on the thing that she loves the compliment. When she hears that compliment, everyone always says you look amazing.

She hears that every fucking day. You're 100% right. I know. Yes. Guys, in the comments, compliment Selma Hayek on what she never hears. I'll start. You ready? Okay.

You speak such good English. that's great it sounds almost like you grow up here yes i bet she loves hearing that go ahead tom your choices as an actress are inspiring oh wow wow good one good one i'll go again you still have great tits go ahead your turn tom i think you yep i mean she still has for 60 those are incredible her declatage is fucking flawless. Yeah, yeah. Her decletage is fucking flawless. Absolutely.

Yeah, her face looks great. That's awesome. It's always looked great. Yeah, your skin tone is immaculate. Are her teeth real? I bet they are. You have great teeth,

Miss Hayek. I bet you could bite through a branch. You're a great ambassador of Mexicans. She's Mexican? She's Mexican? What'd you think she was? I thought she was like Colombian. No, she's Mexican, man.

No way. Salma Hayek? Yeah. She might be the hottest Mexican ever. With, I think, Lebanese descent, right? Isn't she like Lebanese? There, that tracks, that tracks. There's a lot of Lebanese in Latin America.

It's a lot of like... I think, right? We look that up? I think that's correct. She's got a lot of spice trade in her. Yeah, she has, yes. She was born in Quasaco, Guarlococcal, Veracruz. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where was she born in this make-believe town? Quatza Qualcos. Quatzakalcos, Veracruz, Mexico, wait. Quazacquacos. Okay. Quattacquac. Okay, ready? This is my impression of me bumping into Selma Hayek.

Okay. You ready? Oh, hey. Wait. Are you from Quazakalcos? Veracus, Mexico? I went to school there. I went to school there.

That's good. I think that would probably... Do you think she has a sense of humor and she's finding any of this funny? Or do you think she's absolutely offended? There we go. No, I think she has a great... This is my compliment.

That's another one. There you go. You have a great sense of humor. I've seen you be very funny. God, she's so hot. You just... I thought we were supposed to... I know, I know, but it's like so overwhelming. It's so overwhelming. It's like, look at Tom Hardy.

Did you listen to Cesar's Face's new album? I have not heard the album, no. No, I'm a huge Zazard face fan. I will definitely check this out. I think you're pronouncing. Hardy's on it, right? Tom Hardy plays Frankie Pulitzer. Plays.

That's his name, stage name. Yeah. Now, we did this last week. I'm going to have to say, Tom Hardy is the real one. Like, he's the real one. like he is the man I don't know if I like

I don't think there's like a separation of church and state which by the way another thing I learned in therapy Tom I don't like people that shape shift that's why I don't like clowns I don't like people that put on a different personality around different people I like people that are fucking pretty much the same consistent and that is you big guy

that's why I like you same same same yeah and so but so does that mean that you don't like actors that are also like musicians and that they all, like they have. No, no, no, no. As long as you're consistent, I like you. That's why we went through that list of like Sam Elliott.

Those guys that hold consistency across the board, I trust them. I don't think they're fucking full of shit. When you meet an actor that is like, you're like, dude, you were great. And he's like, thank you so much. And you're like, wait, where's the man that you played in that role? And he goes, it's just a part. I don't trust that. And now it sounds like I'm homophobic.

But that's what I like about Tom Hardy. is he's multifaceted, but I think he's the guy, I think he's the guy across the board. You know? I think there's very little bullshit. I think he's probably tough.

I think he's kind of badass. I think he's like, I don't think he overthinks things. I think he does things he likes. I don't like that he's sober. Hardy, not just, didn't just like,

get into jiu-jitsu, but he's entered competitions. Like he's decided to like sign up and compete. shout out to Jonah Hill also competes oh Jonah Hill he got a little flack for it but he's like a

Purple Belt or something really? Yeah I think so he's and he got flack for it but he said to Jason Bateman he would fuck Jason Bateman up now that's a fight I would pay to watch Smartless

Jonah Hill versus the three dudes on smartless yeah you put okay here's the idea You put a million dollars in a backpack on the guy from Will & Grace's back, right? Sean Hayes. Sean Hayes. Okay.

Okay. You put them in a ring. You got Jason Bateman and Will Arnett. And they've got to try to protect Jonah Hill trying to get the backpack off Sean Hayes' back. And Jonah Hill just taps motherfuckers out, chokes them unconscious. He starts with Jason Bateman, right? Chokes Jason Bates. That's him. He would destroy everyone with his jiu-jitsu.

Now, he got flack from it, but I think everyone in jujitsu is like, that's kind of typically what jiu-jitsu guys say. When you're new at jujitsu, when you're doing it, like, when you're not a black belt, right? Like, when you're a purple belt, he's a purple belt. He got shit. Purple belt is pretty advanced, bro. He's a white belt. He's a white belt.

I think Isla is a white belt, too. I love Brazilian jiu-tutu. I love, except my body is begging me to not love it. 42 isn't my wife is often like you're not going to become like a professional fighter you know that right like you're a comedian but let me ask you something if we got into it I would

fuck you up you'd fuck me up and that's the best part my favorite thing is people are like oh Jonah Hill fucking fat guy from Superbad and I'm like I would fucking annihilate you I'm not kidding every fight if you see me try it

every fight ends up on the ground I can bring it. Who's got it? Unless you are way bigger than me, I have like a fucking fuck around and fine. I mean, he's not, he's not wrong.

He's not wrong. First of all, he would fuck me up. When Bateman goes, if I, he's like, I'll fuck you up. He's right.

He would fuck him up. Yeah, the kid from Silver Spoons. Yeah, he would fuck him up. And then he's like, try me, and then he said,

he qualifies, he's like, unless you're way bigger than me. So he's letting you know that like, I can't beat everyone. Yeah. But if you're like, he's not wrong.

He got so much shit on the internet. Yeah, that's not crazy, dude. But it's not crazy. If you're untrained and similar size than him, and he's been training, he definitely has a leg up on you, man. Like, if he knows what he's doing, I'm sure he's a white belt? I don't know what he is. Well, find out what John Hill is. When I was 27, I fought a 13-year-old.

Do you remember this? Really? I fought a 13-year-old who was like a white belt or a brown belt. He was a belt. I don't know what he was. Uh-huh. And he beat the fuck out of me. He beat the fuck out of me

When you're 27? Yeah, it was for, it was with the Gracy's. Hennar Gracie set it up. Uh-huh. And I just texted. He was 13 years old. His name was Jordan. He's now like a black belt.

He's a badass. He competes and everything. He's a grown man now. And you were rolling with him? I barely rolled. He beat me in like six seconds. He would tap me out in six seconds. The thing that I think is funny is, I think most jujitsu people are like,

this is typical of what you say. and it tracks with the progression of jiu-jitsu as you get to a certain place where you feel like a badass to the average person. And I don't think he's wrong. I'd love to hear Joe's opinion. But I don't think he's wrong.

And by the way, Jonah Hill would fuck me up. I don't know what I'm doing. And I think they should put a million dollars on Sean Hayes' back. And then Will Arnett and Jason Bateman has to try to protect that a million dollars. And Jason and Jonah Hill

just starts tapping motherfuckers out. I think it would be so... And then give the fucking... million dollars of charity yeah that's a that's a lot of a lot of hoops to jump through for it but i i like where you're going with it yeah it's like i'm ready to see it yeah the thing you don't want to say is uh if you see me try me like that no you don't want to do that you don't want to do that jota you don't want to like there's some but but the average oh he's a white he's a white he's a white with black stripes well i just trying to see like how long ago that is and um i don't know according to

in public he's a white belt. How does the progression of belts go? I think Isla is a white belt too. By the way, Isla fucking choked me out in Hawaii. Really? Yeah, she was like, I was talking shit. And I was like, I will

fuck you up, Isla. And she was like, she was like, buddy, if I get my arms around your neck, I will kill you. And I was like, you're not getting your arms around my neck. And she goes, oh yeah, I will. And then she went to the bathroom and I wasn't paying attention. And this is when I was zinning a lot.

And I was looking for my zin can. And she came up behind me and put her little needle arm around my neck. And, dude, it was real. I just went, No, I know. I have a few years. Your son could fuck me up. Do you remember he wanted to fight me?

I know. I have a few years left with him. Like, I'm just so much bigger than him. But he'll definitely kill me in a few years. Yeah. That's a new two bears. Can we do me fighting your son? Ellis? Yeah, sure.

I'll fight Ellis. in a cage. You know he would fucking... You know that he would go dead serious? Well, he's a... Yeah, he... A different look comes over that kid's face, dude. He gets in like... He would not let it go. When I said to him, I was...

He was like, I do jihitsu. I was like, cool. And he's like, would you want to fight me? Can I tap you out? Can I choke you? And I was like, no. He wanted to choke you at a restaurant. Yeah, at a restaurant. He's like, can I choke you out. And I was like, see if I can. Do you think I can? And I was like, no, my daughter choked me out. And he was like, your daughter does jihitsu? Let me see a picture. I was like, I'm not going to show you a picture for my daughter.

And you're going to fight your daughter? And I was like, no, you're not going to fight my daughter. And then in my head, I was like, it's going to be great for two bears. That would be so good. I love versus fucking Ellis. Yeah. Her against a 10-year-old. Yeah, that'd be great, man.

Let me see. Is he a white belt? Let me call out. Let me call out and see if she fight him. The place he goes, they have a little different structure for belts than this. Oh, they wear laces? They do laces. No, no.

I guess maybe because they're kids. I think they go from white to gray, actually. But he's been doing really, really well in that, dude, he really loves it. He loves it. He loves the structure, I think. He loves the structure of class. And yeah, it's been going really well, man. He loves it.

A long time ago, Joe told me I should have taken Jiu-Jitsu. He goes, I think you like the confrontation. I think it's good for you. I think the discipline would be good for you. He went through why I should do. it and I went to the class to Eddie Bravo's and Eddie Bravo had a black eye and I was like what happened to your eye? He was like, huh? I said, you have a black eye? And he goes, I do. And I went, you didn't know you had a black eye? He goes, I guess I must have gotten a black eye. And I went,

do you get black eyes from jujitsu? And he goes, I guess sometimes. I was like, I'm on TV. He was like, maybe this isn't for you. I was like, it's absolutely not. Did you even do the class? I walked out. You walked. I never even took my jeans off. Really? I swear to God. That's hilarious.

And by the way, you think, I just want to say this very clearly in defense of my man, the best comedic actor of our generation, Jonah Hill. You think Jonah Hill talked recklessly? Yeah. If I had taken one jujitsu class, yeah. I would be walking around with my shirt off at bars choking motherfuckers out. Oh, I know.

You would be a, you'd be a, You'd be a real problem, dude. I would be a problem. Well, and then you would get knocked out by somebody, too, because you'd be inviting too much of that chaos. Somebody would come up and just punch you in the face, dude. I'd be wearing a shirt that said, fuck around and find out.

Uh-huh. And it would be, it would be a string tank top. I just realize, one of my favorite things to do is I watch, um, I like to watch people get tased, you know? So I watch a lot of shootings, too.

Hold on. Hold on. Are you leading? Are you leading into the fucking where I think you're going? Yeah. So, but I watch these all the time because it's, it's kind of like most of the time you watch a tase video and there's justification for it. So it's like not somebody who's getting injured or mess with for no reason. They're usually, you know, they're usually fucking around, noncompliant, causing a disturbance or whatever.

And it's fun to watch the body lock up, seize and then just get. Yeah, skid across. It's really great. It really is, it really is fucking hysterical. Thank God. When you watch a guy go from, let me guy by the, it's almost like the perfect comedic transition. And it's like you're even though you're seeing body cam footage, which again, thank God for these body cams because they're so entertaining. You're usually watching someone who everyone's like, can you get this fucking asshole out of here?

Like this guy's being such a dick. And it's non-lethal. So you're not seeing somebody. sometimes you see somebody all hopped up on PCP and those things don't work or for whatever reason and then there was the time square stabber which is horrible because I didn't realize at first that she actually killed a lady

and I think she stabbed somebody else and it's just the little umpalumpa looking fat lady and she looks like she's got triplets but she's just a little piggy and she is wielding her knife. She's a fat pig. Yeah, she was a... Jellywood caller?

Yeah, I think so. And so, yeah, Pamela Sistaneros, I guess that's who it was, was able to fight off multiple taser deployings because the officers were unable to make solid contact with the waddling killer. That's what they called her the waddling killer. The waddling killer.

And I didn't realize at this point she had killed somebody. She doesn't look like your typical, what you think of a killer, right? By the way, her movements don't dictate killer. It looks like rock'em-sockom robot. Like, she's going like this. Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab. Yeah, and then they shot her.

Look at a little tip-tip-tip-tip. She goes, with her little tussies. It's such a crazy way to get stabbed. This is not good footage. I would get the footage without the censoring. They have non-censored footage. They were tased her throughout. They were trying to tase her. Yeah, you can see

they have tasers out. And they couldn't It didn't do anything to her little chubby body. And so when she started to charge with the knives out, one of the officers shot her at least once, maybe twice, in the abdomen. And then she dropped the knives and fell. It says the thicker the padding in front of the muscles, padding. The more difficult it is for the taser to get to the muscles and be effective because it's actually making your muscles obviously constrict.

So if you're a big old fatty, I guess it's a good thing when they're trying to tase you. But because she was unable to be tased, she's dead because they ended up shooting her. And I think, I guess she bled out. All that fat poured out of her and she died. Can we please see her stabbing momentum? Like, it's such a weird way to stab. It's so strange. It looks like Fred Flintstone dancing. She must have been in some manic, psychotic state, right? Well, I can I tell you like, not that, look, I've, I'm not saying that I've always said the wrong thing. whenever I hear the thing, I say the wrong thing. Like, like, you know, like, like Ray Rice punches his wife.

And I go, wait, what does she say to him? Like, not like, like, she deserved it, but like, what was, you know, like, I say the wrong thing. But I, and I did that with this. I was like, what happened to her? Like, why did she? She doesn't look like she would ever get to this. Like, this looks like crazy.

Why is she fat? Or why did she? No, why did she get, what happened to her? Right. got her into stabby, stabby, stabby. That's crazy. Will you scroll down more? So, yeah, she was deranged.

Like, do we know? Okay, oh, here it's set. Okay. Cisneros, who has long struggled with mental health, was holding up two knives after she had just attacked two people. The woman ignored the cops. Please, to drop the knife. Yeah.

There she is right there. That's the way the cops said it to her. The cops said it to her in her accent. Please, to drop the knife. knife. Oh, no. Here we go. Look at her.

It's like she's going to hold these knives. It looks like she's about to cast a spell. She's got her purse on side saddle. Yep. She's got a knife in each hand. But it's like. And here comes the Harry Potter moment. Like where she does the.

I think you can see. You can see those little, those are the taser sights on her, like the little lasers on her. Yeah. Those little tiny size four feet. I know. There's one, two. See, they're trying to do it, and it doesn't do anything. And then she's charging, charging.

Yeah. And they shot her right in the gut. I mean, I'm like, yeah. Out of all the fucking police shootings I've seen, I understand they had to shoot her, but it's like they also could have just stepped away. Like, it's like, like, where was she got?

Like, they could have tripped her. They could have, like, I feel like they could have last. There's a lot they could do. I feel like if somebody would have tased her in the back, like the upper back. In the face. Face would have been great.

Any of those would have been great. I mean, just hit her with a billy club. Yeah. Couldn't you knock her out? Like, I think we should add that to the Jonah Hill Smartless fight. A club? Like a baton. We take a woman like this.

We get a same size, same thing. We tape knives to their hands, right? So she can't drop them. and then we tie her feet together so she can't take big steps she's got to take baby steps and she can only stab like this and she's got to fight Jonah Hill and Jonah Hill sees if he can defend himself I think he would be fine do you think Jonah Hill's going to find any of this funny I do not think so I mean I don't know like I think he might appreciate your million dollars for charity all right also tell Jonah if he wants to do it with me put a million dollars on my back

see if you can get it off we'll give it to my charity or his charity and he can do jiu-jitsu and you just try to defend yourself and i get ellis to coach you no to he's he's fights for me oh my god he ellis and i love fight jonahill oh it's two on one yeah well you get smart it's the smartless fight if we can't get well hayes to do it this is uh Sean Hannity Sean Hannity Sean Hannity what's it's the fucking smart you know what I mean Yeah. The guy from the fucking open mic movie.

Got it. Will Arnett? That's it. Yeah. All right. Look, we got to run. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening.

Next week, make sure that we're going to talk a lot about the Iran war that we just found out we're in. We're going to talk about the new guy that's going viral, Iranian David Goggins. Have you seen him? I have not seen him. He's like, who's going to feed the camel? Okay. Okay. All right.

We'll see you then. Tom and Bert One goes to top The other wears the shirt Tom tells stories And Bert's the machine There's not a chance in hell That they'll keep the clean

Here's what we call Two bears one cave