2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

Check out Bert's new special "Lucky" streaming on Netflix! Tom just announced Fall dates for his Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour. Presale starts April 2nd, use code TOMMY. SPONSORS: - Visit https://tonal.com and use promo code BEARS for $200 off your purchase. - Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. - Go to https://LiveGood.com/BEARS to save 10% on your first order. - Make friends and grab some merch at https://www.drinkporosos.com/ Joey "CoCo" Diaz is back, baby! This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Bert Kreischer welcomes the legend himself, Joey Diaz to join him in the cave. Uncle Joey recently had a health scare and was forced to spend some time in the hospital. He's doing alright now, but the worst part about it all was the blue balls and repressed feelings of horniness he felt. Jose and Bart also talk about falling back in love with comedy, slowing down your touring, the mass comedy exodus of Los Angeles, moving during a pandemic, the early days doing comedy with Rogan, the best Ralphie May stories, comic actors, saying whatever you want, and how important parking spots are in major cities. Enjoy the show! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 282 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:43 - Falling Back In Love With Comedy 00:08:06 - Early Days With Rogan 00:15:29 - Slowing Down 00:19:49 - Reality Calls 00:30:04 - Parking Perks 00:32:30 - Hospital 00:41:48 - The Podcasting Problem 00:47:19 - Specials & Live Albums 00:52:46 - Ralphie May 01:17:35 - Future Plans, Pandemic Moves, & Los Angeles 01:25:20 - Say Whatever You Want 01:28:29 - Comics & Comic Actors 01:34:01 - Farts & Plugs Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My new special Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out. Hey everyone, we just announced my fall 2025 come together tour dates. We added a whole bunch of cities, including Allentown, PA, West Lafayette, Indiana and Colorado Springs and many more. I will see you out there.

Thank you so much. 100% Cute. Ladies and gentlemen, new episode of Two Bears One Cave and this is who I should have done this podcast with. Fucking screwed the pooch, I took the wrong Latino. Tommy just got done. I think Tommy's retiring, Joey.

I think this is retiring, Joey. What? I think he's gonna, I think this is his last tour. But at this point, it gets, it kinda gets redundant after a while. Yeah. You know, and that's why I never wanted to go into arenas or nothing, because then you have nowhere to go. Pfft.

After an arena, what are you gonna do? You gonna play on Mars? What are you gonna play on? It's a great point. On a spaceship, so it kinda becomes, listen, when you got to play on? On a fucking spaceship. So it kind of becomes, it kind of, listen, when you're a middle level comic and you do the improvs, after the ninth time that you're at the 10 p.m. probably,

you ask yourself, how much longer can I do this for? I never asked myself that. And then I asked myself, I said to myself, when I was getting ready to announce this new tour I was like somebody help what am I just gonna do this forever? Like what is there an end date to this? There is and The way I look at it is you have to like what you did was brilliant I tell people all the time what problem what happened with me was I was doing stand-up, but I wasn't having fun.

It was a business. And that's a horrible way to do stand-up comedy. When you do it as a business, I wanted to fall in love with it again. Falling in love with it naturally from the, and it's not about the money, it's not about the gig, it's you driving to the shittiest open mic on a Tuesday and getting on stage.

That's what you always want to do. We forgot all that. Look at what's going on in the comedian world now. We're not comedians anymore. We're not comedians anymore. We're talking about politics. We're talking about this. We're having arguments with other people.

At the end of the day, that's not what we got into this for. It's absolute. I definitely did not get in to be a journalist. We got into this, listen I'm gonna tell you what for. To get my dick sucked, to travel and to do drugs. I got married that was the end of getting your dick sucked. You got a girlfriend you move in you can't get your dick sucked. That's part of going on the road oh I could still do drugs.

Okay and then one day you stop doing drugs and you're like what am I doing? I'm coming out here because I used oh, I could still do drugs. Okay, and then one day you stop doing drugs. And then you're like, what am I doing? I'm coming out here, because I used to do the road to do drugs. You know, I got a wife, she doesn't wanna see me coked up, so I would hold off all week and then go off when I went to Houston or anywhere I went. So the fun went out of it.

I just wanted, after the pandemic, I'm like, thank God this happened. Thank God. I don't want to do nothing. They kept calling me let's set up the dates for July. Call me when it's over. Okay I'm like green day. Call me when it's over. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't want to and now I love it again and I love it to the point where at night I have to go Joey you're not going to the city yeah you're not gonna get back till midnight or one that throws your whole week off but that's where I am right now I felt that we didn't take a break during the pandemic

you know I mean we didn't we kept podcasting you know we didn't take a break and Tommy Buns has to be burnt out by now. Oh this last tour he did was the biggest one he's ever done and I think it's all arenas and I know him. He doesn't do drugs, he doesn't get his dick sucked. I enjoy the fans and I enjoy seeing them and having a good time But I just couldn't see myself doing this thought was 65 Every week. I didn't love it that much. I love my family just a little bit more you did the right I mean, I think you've done the right thing, especially knowing how much time you spend with Mercy.

And I look back and I go, man, I was gone. All the fucking girls' childhood. All of it. I saw them Tuesday and Wednesday, Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday, until I started canceling Sundays. When do you think you loved it the most? When was the most favorite time in standup for you? When I was dead broke. Yeah, why is that?

Why is it the fucking, when you're the poorest you are, it's the most fun? Every night's an adventure. Yeah. You got three dollars in your pocket and two comedy sets. One you're gonna pick up 45 dollars at. Let's see where the night takes me. Yeah.

Some nights you're home at one and you're fucking depressed because you ate two bags of dick. But some nights, you got the $45 in your pocket, you're at some girl's house at four in the morning, everybody's snorting coke. And you're like, this is great. This is great. I could do this forever.

We all had the best fun when we were struggling. That was the best when you barely made the gig, when you don't have money to get the plane ticket That's got canceled. Remember you got canceled in those days. You were kind of fucked You don't have two hundred dollars again with belly, you know, and those are the times where I thought I had the best time You know, and yeah, I had great times on the road touring you did the right thing You broke it up. You said you have the best idea in comedy It was the best festival in comedy the thing on the road the buses. Yeah, that's a great idea That was brilliant because it took you off of the a markets

It put you in C markets that people never think are going to these towns Brandon, Mississippi Brandon, Mississippi You went to all these places You went to a place in Tennessee that I considered the best place I've ever been to. Where was that? The first year we were in Tennessee one night and I thought, I love that town because of that. The hotel people were nice, everybody knew you in town. We were there for like a day and a half

and we were already talking to people. I met a great girl down there, ended up having a kid. We ate mushrooms together. We ate mushrooms together. Fucking, you know. That was fun because you have no pressure on you. Yeah. You have no pressure on you.

20 minutes, I could do 20 minutes of my sleep. And I don't really care if they sell tickets. You know, when you're doing comedy, it's not, it's maintaining the material Writing material and then your agents are calling you. Hey Brandon Mississippi, you're not selling tickets down there This that you have so much going. Yeah, so much inner stress that you don't even feel you're like Ah, I've been doing this for years, but now it's inner stress. You're selling tickets

I've been doing this for years, but now it's inner stress. You're selling tickets Put this up this guy wants you to play there Hey when you go there, they want you to stop over here and get a sweatshirt and take a picture You know, it's not it's never-ending It's never-ending being a comic, you know, it never ends. It never ends. And once you do have a wife and a kid it you know, I always liked those guys that you were on the road with in the beginning and it was their third week on the road and they're calling you calling your wife you're like I'm with Burke Chrysler we're drinking we're playing golf and she's like motherfucker I'm over here

putting a diaper on one kid and the other kids yelling and you're fucking playing golf with Burke Chrysler you know like I think women always like when they go to work women oh my god you're fucking playing golf with Burt Kreischer, you know? Like I think women always like, when they go to work, women are like, oh my God, you're so lucky. He must be so fun to have him around. He must be so fun. That shit lasts a year. Women think that shit's cute for a fucking year. And then they're like, bitch, you know,

I'm over here cleaning the bathroom, and you're in Miami with Joe Rogan jumping up and down. Go fuck yourself, you know? Women can't, they can't after a while. those early days with Rogan must have been a fucking blast They were a blast you Eddie Bravo just traveling with you guys Eddie Bravo Tate Joe Duncan and me and red man in a van Joe not knowing where he's going in the van. Yeah. Yeah, why are we doing this Joe? Put the fuck in there? I know where I'm going arguments the van, you know. Why are we doing this, Joe? What the fuck, I know where I'm going.

Arguments, the whole thing, but he took good care of us. Like I can't, I can never be mad at that guy. Like I get mad at him for a minute sometimes. He says something stupid on a UFC or something, and I'm like, what the fuck, Joe? And then I go, that guy, you know, he created this comedy environment for us that was tremendous.

He was paying us great. We were eating like fucking kings. You know, we were sponsored by Fogo de Chow. Okay? I love Fogo de Chow. We were sponsored by Fogo de Chow for like three years. Every time we landed in, we went to Fogo de Chow. On the arm, and then Joe would get shots

that were like $400 for all of us. And then on the way in the car, you go, you just did a $400 shot. You're like, fuck, fuck Joe, thank you. And that's when Joe just discovered weed. Yes, and we made him smoke weed and Duncan had the fucking dummy with him in the hotel Nemo.

He used to scare the shit out of me. And Ari's always been crazy You know Ari's just fucking Ari Ari is He's a comic in his own world Like now he wants to go to Europe. It's his last tour Yeah, he he's just and gotta be honest with you. These guys are doing it right. Yeah, I was doing it wrong I was doing it too. Seriously. I got a stick to that material now I watch everybody doing arenas and they're doing fucking they're talking to the audience Everybody's talking to the fucking audience. I'm up there working on I can't write the shit and everybody's talking to the audience in the marina

I was raised not to talk to the audience in a fucking arena a big show these guys like hey What do you do for a living? I'm like, god damn it, in an arena. I'm like, god damn it, what the fuck? But I could see that was getting monotonous for me. Like it was just getting monotonous and it's bad for everybody. You go into a club for 20 years and that guy's still a busboy

and you're seeing him as a busboy and he's seeing you as a comic that comes every 18 months it was just I don't know something wasn't right I wanted to do it more how bands did it. How's that? You guys work hard when you go on a tour it's ten months. Yeah. Listen once that ten months end and you say goodbye to your fellas and you go home it's over yeah there's no videos there's no nothing there's no look at me down it just and we all think see when I got to LA in 97 everybody had a your manager had a plan for you so Bert you're gonna go on the road from January to April or

every week Bert shut your fucking mouth and then I got you a show you're gonna shoot from May to July you're gonna there's 11 episodes you're gonna shoot seven you're not gonna make much money your first year but you're gonna shoot seven episodes and then while those things are in the tank you're gonna go to the comedy store every night till your ass turns green and you're gonna do a spot till you get an hour. Then we're gonna shoot a special, we're gonna put that in the tank

and that TV show comes out, the special come out and you're back on the road in January. There was always a plan. There's no more plan. There's no plan no more. You're gonna go on the road. You're gonna go on the road to your fucking old and gray. And I didn't like that Yeah

if you're like me and you like cramming in a workout and that's the way I Explain this because like sometimes I can feel like there's not enough hours in the day to get everything done And I and I say to myself what about a workout bro with tonal you can ensure you're checking workout off your to-do list Every single day with it being in the convenience of having it at your home. An in-home gym 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Tonal is the world's smartest workout that will effortlessly fit into the busiest lifestyle and with the latest iteration Tonal 2 you can assure your workout is more tailored and more effective than ever. Tonal adjusts in one pound increments with adaptive weight that now goes up to 250 pounds and challenging literally guys like myself

who bench 225 pounds. Yeah, I'm not, but that also challenges like really advanced people to push to their limit. Plus the new built-in SmartView leverages, high resolution camera that lets you see yourself during your workout. It analyzes your movement and provides you with real-time coaching just like a personal trainer. And by the way, my personal trainer is on Tonal. My favorite guy, Akeem, he is on there.

He is jacked. But these workouts are awesome. And with the new drop sets, Tonal too analyzes your movement, senses when you're fatiguing, and will drop weight until your muscles are maxed out. In an experience you could only get in a gym until now. Now here's the thing I love about tonal is I go by it and I look and I'll go 12 minute arms workout boom and bang it out and once you started one of these workouts you're like yo I should bang out legs real quick and it really it is the gateway to working out in my opinion and it just stares at you in your gym. It's like, yo, what are you doing?

And you gotta try Akeem. He's my guy. I've been talking about him for years. I love him. He's a great trainer. Right now, Tonal is off, and by the way, they have a ton of great trainers. I have to say that.

Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your Tonal purchase with the promo code bears. That's tonal.com. And use promo code bears for $200 off your purchase. That's total.com and the promo codes bears for $200 off. They say money can't buy you happiness. That might be true, but money sure can make you feel a lot of other things

like stressed, guilty, overwhelmed. That's because when you're not in control of your money, your money can control you. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Acorns is a financial wellness app that helps you take control of your money, your money can control you. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Acorns is a financial wellness app that helps you take control of your money with simple tools that make it easy to start saving and investing for your future.

You don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that matches you and your money goals. You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now, even if all you got is spare change. And listen, that spare change adds up. Whatever you can get together,

that is what you build your nest egg with. So don't put it off, start saving. Ready to take control of your money? Sign up now and join the over 13 million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $25 billion with Acorns. Head to acorns.com slash bears, or download the Acorns app to get started.

Paid non-client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier three compensation provided, investing involves risk. Acorns advisors, LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosures at acorns.com slash bears when you get into an escape plug-in hybrid you get the perfect mix you can chill in electric mode turn it up in gas mode or get the best of both in hybrid mode. Choose how you move in the all-in-one Escape. And right now, get a $3,000 rebate on the Escape Plug-in Hybrid and all 2025 Escape models. For details, visit your Toronto area Ford store or ford.ca.

I didn't like that. I wanted to do...I was trying to figure out... Listen, I love Ledger and not just because of their music, I love their style, how they did it. They never did a TV show, they refused. They never did whatever show at night on Fridays. What was that guy's name again? Carson? Merv Griffin?

No, no, no, there was a show when I was growing up, Midnight Special and Don Kursk's rock concert. There were all these, USA had one, they never did that. Their manager never allowed them to do a TV performance of anything. It was very, you look at Led Zeppelin, you're like there were just a bunch of wackos. No, they weren't. That manager had a plan from day one and he stuck to it and that's why they ended up having nine albums and they're one of the most successful bands of all time

I When they toured for a year and a half when they got off they got off They didn't even talk. Yeah, they didn't even talk for a year after about a year One of them would get bored and go anything we should go in the studio I'm too busy shooting heroin try me in six months Aerosmith All those guys had these schedules. Somewhere along the line in comedy it just got thrown off the window. There's no plan. You stay on the road to you whatever. I didn't like that. Yeah. I'd rather stay on the road and you get a movie for me and I'll take off and then I'll do the movie. I will not post

anything on social media. People have to put me in the back of milk containers because you are not gonna see me. I will not make a fucking video. And then you come back like Jesus is born. We didn't do that. We stayed in their faces. We stayed in their faces. It was that monotony of like you had to post.

A podcast has to go up every week. Every week. Every week you're always doing each other's podcasts social media I mean man I wish I could put that toothpaste back in the tube I've shared everything on social media I mean what haven't we shared on social I don't even I tweet once a week now maybe twice a week cuz I know you're in competition with these people that don't stop tweeting I look. I look at young dudes that are putting out content on Instagram. I've slowed down on Instagram, but right now I'm losing my mind because I'm promoting the special and I'm in New York and I'm overexposed and I'm on everyone's podcast.

I see it coming. I'm sick of seeing his fucking face. I'm like, me too. Get me the fuck I'm gonna take I'm gonna take another break while like this summer I'm gonna dip out for a sec no tour this summer no tour this summer We were supposed to do fully loaded again this summer, and then I just said you know I was like you know let's Let's not let's let's let it breathe for a season and come back in the fall come back again next summer and like where everyone's rejuvenated and and I by The way, I don't even have an act. I've just started writing

For my new we lose our act we lose an hour And then they yeah, you got six weeks on the road doing all material that they're gonna see in the special there's yeah It was backwards. So wait a second. I'm gonna go on the road for a year to work on a material That they're gonna see on Netflix or any other platform. Something wasn't right. That's why I said you finished that TV show and then you stay in LA and you hit all those spots every night. I thought that was kind of cool about Joe's special is he never toured that material. That material only lived in Austin. Like he never took that hour out on the road because he doesn't tour.

And I was like, that's kind of cool if you write an hour in a city, just live in a city, write your hour, perform it and the whole world sees it for the first time on Netflix. But yeah, I took this hour, this hour that's on Netflix now, I took it, I fucking,

on a huge, like a fucking huge arena tour. And I gotta do, here's the thing that gets complicated This is the thing that is once you start Making money you start making other people money So you got bus drivers who count on you you have crew crew of 18 who count on you you have a production manager accounts on you a tour manager the council on you an assistant accounts on you and then you go to do your next tour and Everyone's you had hired all these people and everyone is looking for work.

So I ran into a guy the other day, I haven't seen him in a while and he's like, yo, when are we going back on the road? And I was like, we. We. I was like, fuck, I guess I'm taking him back on the road. So it's crazy, man. I'm jealous of you. I look at your posts, whenever I see your posts,

like you, George and I had a group text, they shared with you and Mercy were on a boat and they were like, is that Mercy? And I was like, fuck yeah, she's grown up. Yeah, it's a different story. Yeah. It's a way different story. Listen, when you're doing it, you don't realize

it's the best thing you're ever gonna do is raise a child Whether it's a boy or a girl you're raising them. We came from LA You know and I hate to Sort of harp on this but it's the truth We came from a society where we were around a lot of broken women Broken or whatever they call that shit daddy issues, whatever the fuck is. Yeah And I really looked at that when I got home and I looked at, she didn't like it. Mercy didn't like it too much.

Mercy, it hit her when I wasn't home from Terry's birthday right before the pandemic. And my sister-in-law came out and they were like, we were all their dad except for you. You have to stop it with this road shit, you know different weeks and I thought about him like what the fuck does she know about life? She doesn't know anything about bills my fucking bridge broke. They want 20 G's. I got no fucking teeth thing broke

What does she know about 20 G's? You know, we got to go out kill 20 fucking Puerto Ricans to get 20 G's Yeah, and I thought about what she was saying and then things started happening to me in other avenues The weed company came. Yeah, I got signed by draft King as it was all these opportunities I said Joey, this is your chance. The universe is giving you a chance to Regroup your life and figure out how to work it as a dad You know because we didn't plan on being dads, it just happened. And now we're getting busier than ever. Nobody wants you to do all this shit, but we have to do it.

It's my fucking job. And people have no idea that once you're in it, you're in it. The reason why I'm not at the level I was as a comic five years ago is because I'm not in it no more. If I get on stage twice a week, it's a lot. I was at a point where I was doing, we do 15 sets a week without even knowing.

Without even thinking. You walk into a place, they're like, you wanna get up? Yeah, and all that shows. All that shows. It shows everywhere, too. It shows everywhere, and I could tell sometimes I struggle on stage, and that's because I don't have

what I had available to me in LA. The thing I did was when I left LA that I didn't know I had done, Bert, is I actually kissed Mike Arrea goodbye. You think? When I went, right before we left, I went to the store one day by myself and I just sat on the stairs. There was nobody there.

Town was locked up for COVID and I just sat there and I realized what the fuck had happened the last 23 years. Like what the fuck happened? One minute we're up here starving, Ralphie May, we're fucking chipping in to get a turkey. And the next thing you know, you're pulling up to the store and there's 10 laboginis out there.

Yeah. And you're like, what? How did this even happen? It's so wild from what I knew stand-up to me when I started I was listening to a conversation in the hallway Between a group of comics who were explaining why it was more cost-effective to fly in a helicopter From Jay from LAX to the valley on and I was like wait what are we like we're taking helicopters places I was like you know I was I've heard stories in this they're like talking about tour buses and private jets and you're like dude I'm

like I that's it's so bizarre don't listen the stones don't travel at 80. They travel first class. They don't even stay together. They bring a fucking doctor with them on the road. He's shooting them with testosterone. He's giving them gummies. When you could travel like that, how would you travel? I'd have somebody pull me in a cart if I could.

You know what I'm saying? If you made that type of money on the road. But when you get older, you realize you blew a lot of fucking money. I always like IMDB. I'm a big fan of IMDB. I'm a big fan of going to IMDB when somebody's rocking and rolling

and seeing all the people they're paying. Attorney, publicist, this, that. It's like a row of eight or nine people. And Then when the show ends, give it about a month, and they get that reality call from the accountant, saying, hey, let me tell you something. I don't know what you think you got, but let me tell you what you got. And next week, you see all those people disappear.

The attorney, the publicist, they're down to one fucking agent, because you're shooting a movie, but you're paying eight people. to one three percent to an attorney God knows how much to a publicist ten to a fucking agent and fifteen to a manager But meanwhile everybody thinks that we're walking around like Cheech Busteech that we just fucking had a guy question me one time Well, you made this on YouTube. I go do you know I have taxes? Do you know I have commissions? You understand all this, right? Oh, we didn't think about that. Yeah, people have no fucking idea what you make and what goes out. I put everything on an

Amex, so my wife has to pay it off at the end of every month. Business expenses, restaurant, the ferry I took, you know, and you look at that now compared to what I was blowing in LA. Oh Jesus! Holy shit! Three weeks a month, first-class tickets. Yeah. There's that hotel for you, hotel for the people that you bring them with you, because they don't give you money for that in the theater. No. All that shit. You're dropping 50k a month on average. Oh yeah.mex bills and go oh my god oh my god oh my god that's fucking horrible the expenses is what people don't see but do you have a podcast studio they even with taxing us on podcast now I did you get that bill no yeah like 18 fucking there was

taxing it for something business thing really yeah we were getting hit for for more fucking over. Meanwhile, you're thinking you're Johnny best each you're buying dinners and fucking you know Living like Ralphie May before you punch the ticket fucking buying all the sushi at a place Ralphie May I get bummed when I see I Get bummed like the other day. I was watching a video of him So fucking funny and I go man No one talks about him enough like don't he was so fucking good Oh those clips that come up from time to time that fucking really funny, dude. I feel bad. He didn't get This no, he didn't get to see this doing he was doing theaters

Before anyone was doing 20 years ago. Yeah. 20 years ago, 2005, 2006, he started doing theaters and he had it down to a fucking science. He was the first one of us with a tour bus. Yeah, he had a tour bus, that's right. He had a shotgun on there and machine guns and Uzis. It's just weird to see, you know, when we got to LA we saw these people who were rocking and rolling like that's never gonna be me and then all of a sudden you start seeing the people around you blowing up and then one day you just I don't know what happened. Like that's what I had to think about. really happened to me those 23 years And I think that when I left LA those stairs that day I was like, I'm not in the major leagues anymore That's for starters. We're not in the major. I'm not in the major leagues. I don't live in LA no more

New York has a great comedy scene or whatever, but I've already done that Yeah for me to come like I wrestled with doing spots in the city because it's like, I've already done that. You know, it's like I've already been in a club where I developed in there and started, I don't wanna do that again. But I might have to, I might have to start coming over here. I miss coming over here. This is fucking great.

It seems like it would be a fucking pain in the goddamn ass, just parking. That's what kills me. I recently realized in order to feel my best means I've got to get at least eight hours of sleep every day And that's why I use these sleep patches from live good every night since I started using them I've noticed my sleep score go way up. I'm always in the green with live good I always feel like I am at my best and what's better than that I mean honestly live good believes that everyone deserves access to high quality supplements without the insane markups. They offer premium products formulated

by an industry leading team of natural health experts and here's why they are a great company. They cut out the middleman to save us money selling these at the lowest prices you're going to find anywhere. They also have organic super greens, which are awesome Multivitamins collagen was I also try weight loss products protein powder creatine detox hormone products skincare products all Highest quality products at prices everyone can actually afford. I'm telling you right now I throw these on and I am I am out for eight hours Hydration and this and I'm telling you man, I'm sleeping like a baby. I gotta put socks on my hands so I don't cut my face with my fingernails.

Ready to make the switch and start saving? We're gonna make it even easier for you. Use our link and you can save an additional 10% off your first order on top of already the lowest prices you're gonna find. Go to livegood.com slash bears to save 10% off your first order. That's livegood.com slash bears to save 10% off your first order.

That's livegood.com slash bears. Don't miss out on this opportunity to invest in your health without overspending. If you don't know by now, this is me and Tommy's vodka. It's called Poro Sos for the Bears. And we want you to make friends. There's nothing better than having a best friend that you can share secrets with, share a cocktail with, and you're going to love this vodka. It's got a smooth taste, a beautiful finish, and we taste tested a hundred different vodkas and

landed on this one mutually, and we were not wrong. We have won two huge awards. USA Spirits 2024 Gold Medal and the Tasting Alliance 2024 Double Gold Medal. It is a fair price, it is an accessible price. We wanted to make that for our fans. We want you to enjoy it. Go get yourself a bottle and make it with soda. We have a bunch of drinks over on the Porosos Instagram page that you can try, but pick up a bottle at one of our finer retailer partners. ABC Fine Wines in Spirit, Total Wine and More,

Spex, or go demand it at your favorite liquor retailer. Do that at a bar. Go up to your favorite bar and go do you guys serve porousos when they say no they go damn all right never mind I guess I'll have a beer order a bottle and some of our killer merch online at drink porousos calm make friends dude I said to Leanne I will not go to a restaurant if they don't have good parking. Yeah, I don't care how hot the restaurant is I need I need valet or a huge parking lot. I love good parking me too I love good. I don't like walking with food in my stomach. Yeah

So that's not gonna happen if I don't park up front i'm not eating there Because I don't like taking that hike. Yeah, I fucking get sick like I just hyperventilated some shit I can't fucking do it with food in my stomach a steak. I don't want to walk. I'm not looking Lewis and Clark I don't want to walk nowhere. I want the car right outside for everything I'm at a point in my life when I want the car right outside for everything that puts a big damper on all my plans There's a restaurant. I love but you know, I don't go there valet parking. I got shit in the car. I Got shit in the car. I don't want somebody sitting in my car. And I can park up front, and I won't go there just because of the valet.

You know, when I used to go to Dodger games, I'd buy that up front parking. Oh, fuck yeah. And you walk right in and your tickets are right there. Fuck, I love all that shit. People invite me to all these things here. I'm not walking in Giant Stadium. Have you been to Yan? Oh, yeah key stadium No, oh, you'll be walking from now to fucking Tuesday. I don't want to do that walk

I want to walk in sit down and mind my fucking business Once you include walking in it, you know what I have been the Yankee Stadium you walk fucking forever forever forever And I got dropped off in an uber Forever I go to Philadelphia to watch a game you walk right in you got Italian ice Somebody calls you and you're in Philadelphia. Thank you. Yeah fucking from Jersey. Thank you You know, everything else is a fucking hike. I don't like it. They built a mall American mall here You got to walk a mile from the parking lot just to get to the mall and then it's another two miles to get something to eat I don't need to go there I see stairs down I get fucking

anxiety like I see stairs and I'm like they just might not happen this might not happen I'm not in the mood my knee hurts you know I just started shooting the thing in my knee again so What's that? Stem cells? No, I'm gonna shoot stem cells next month in Austin. I just started shooting the BPC 157, the Wolverine in my knee because it was starting to bother me. And it was great. My knee was doing great. Then I got sick.

And those two and a half weeks in the hospital for some reason. Were you in the hospital? Yeah, I was in the hospital for three fucking weeks this year. Wait, what happened? I have no fucking idea, Bert. They figured it out, it's called hypoxia or some shit where your lungs fill up with liquid and you cannot breathe. I mean, Doug, I'm not scared of anything.

This was scary. Really? So, wait, so you were having a hard time breathing? It started like in December. I thought it was the mushrooms. I thought I'm like, ah, well, when I eat mushrooms, my heart beats or something. And then I got sick.

And it was funny because I said, you know what, I'm gonna stop smoking dope. Now you know me a long time. Yes. And after New Year's, I said, you know what, I'm wasting my time with marijuana anymore. It ain't California I got to be on a website every night to see who's got my weed So I go there in the morning. Yeah stand on line get it and it just gets me high in the morning

My tolerance is off the fucking charts, you know Don't like maybe I should give it a break. Well a week later. I got the flu and Two days later. I could not breathe. I mean, Bert, I would get up here, 20 steps, and I'd have to stop and fucking pee. I mean, and it's not like, Bert, where's your bathroom? Oh, no, no, no, I gotta take my dick out. Right here, right now. It was terrible.

Really? I would have to go home twice and change my sweats. It was just a horrible experience. I didn't know what was... I went to, you know, what is it? Urgent care? You should check into the hospital. Your oxygen level's low. And I'm like, it's my daughter's birthday. I don't want her to come home from school when I'm in a fucking hospital. That's no birthday present for nobody. So I waited out for like two days, then I couldn't breathe, I went in. That time they kept me for a week. Couldn't figure out what it was.

They drained my lungs. How did they drain your lungs? Do they go? They do light, lasix. They give you a thing in your vein to fucking take the water out of you. And you feel it immediately? You're peeing 20 ounces a shot.

Really? Those bottles that they give you, I was peeing one every two hours. I was filling one of those things up. Everything comes out. I dropped like 30 fucking pounds. For real? Yeah, they took all the fluid out of you. And they would send me home, but I would do the same shit.

I'd go home and start with the one-hitters. And then a week, two two weeks later I'm having a hard time breathing shit and I'm like what the fuck is going on and does it feel like a flu like you're coughing and stuff or is it just you're filling up with love and fluid just when you walk I would or train oh my god it was to the point where I would have to do like a set of pull downs and sit down Fucking my face is turning red. So after the first Hospital stay they put that thing in my veins in my arm and went to your heart And if you need a stent or a fucking balloon, they put it in there

When I woke up and the doctors like joy, I don't know what to tell you. You got a heart of a bull You don't need anything. I'm like What the fuck is this then because I kept thinking it was 27 years of cocaine Yeah, something's gonna malfunction at some point in your life. You know what I'm saying? I was starting to sound like RFK I was all RFK it up and shit. I can't and then I Came home again. Then I thought I had diverticulitis. So I went back that time with diverticulitis, but it wasn't diverticulitis. And then I was like, fuck it, I'm going to go home.

I was going to the gym, I'm eating good. And fucking this time that one week was just brutal. And it was starting to scare my wife. And if there's something I don't like to do, it's scare my wife. She's not from that school. But I'm going to tell you an example. The last three nights, I would walk from my basement to my bedroom, and I would have to keel on the floor, like stop and drop to the floor,

catch my composure until I could pee, run to the bathroom and pee. And then the walk to the bed was killing me. And then I'd have to do one of those things, a treatment. treatment the inhaler the inhaler with the fucking heat and all that shit Oh, yeah And I've had to get up in the middle night to pee. Oh Boy was it bad really and that Thursday Friday and Saturday the Saturday night was the worst My blood pressure went up to 212 over 110 and my oxygen went down to 86. It was 4 in the morning. And I knew I had to go to the doctor. I mean, I got to go to the

hospital. But I didn't want to get the ambulance at 4 in the morning in front of my daughter. So I said, I'll just go in the morning. And I went the next morning. And that's when we really did a nuclear blood test. And they found out that I was overloaded with fluid and blood cells, red blood cells. Really? Because remember when I did testosterone, when Mercy was first born, I ended up in the hospital with too many red blood cells.

So I knew what it was. I was taking MK-677, it's a peptide, for recovery and sleep and makes you hungry as fuck. But you get fucking huge on that shit as you start lifting, yeah. And that stuff is like a growth hormone. It makes sure, it mimics a growth hormone. It's like my friend said, it's like Joe Rogan said,

if you're gonna do testosterone, do testosterone. If you're gonna do growth, do it. But don't do things that are gonna stimulate that. Because somewhere it's gonna backfire and it backfires on me and it would drop it would do like a insulin drop My blood sugar would go up my blood pressure would go up

So I got off that and I haven't smoked again. I've been fine really So how long has it been since you were you went in the hospital three weeks three weeks? I've never fucking heard any of this. Well, I what the first time I put a picture up and I got 9,000 calls you know saying I'm like 9,000 calls like you know and I'm like I can't tell people I'm in the fucking hospital my phone will blow up all fucking day so I didn't want to tell people like we do take a picture with tubes in your nose yeah like look at me I'm in the hospital and then people like I'll get well get the fuck out of here You know, I'm gonna tell you I'm a not I'll tell you when I get out

Yeah, why am I gonna take pictures in the hospital embarrass you and my daughter saw pictures like that fucking the hospital What's wrong with you? I was like, you're right Holy shit, did you get scared during that time? Those last three nights were a little Holy shit, did you get scared during that time? Those last three nights were a little... Because now it went from me just hyperventilating and couldn't catch my breath and having a bad panic attack to me sweating. I was starting to sweat and my face was getting real fucking red.

And I'm like, this ain't good. And my blood, your blood pressure's 212. That never ends well. That never fucking ends well Well, I said fuck it I go I went to a nutrition guy I'm eating fucking I Changed a lot of shit like I had to yeah, how to eat a lot more arugula for my blood pressure. I had a fucking Eating that stuff and it's pretty fucking good after two weeks that shit see

Shit you get from the ocean and you see weed like seaweed something else I don't know what it's sea moss yeah it's like pretty intense and you take like I got some stuff that's blueberry flavored and strawberry flavor and you fucking take it three times a day forget it hard-ons everything comes back and that's what was crazy. I was really sick, but I was really horny That was fucking the weirdest thing like I was never horny until I went to the hospital Yeah, and I couldn't bang one out in the hospital because I'm a Catholic. You can't bang one out in the hospital It's just not right

You know, but I was fucking super horny. I couldn't breathe. I'm like even if I get pussy I can't get a piece of pussy because I can't breathe I just pump it one time and I'd go and spin out into a panic attack. So fuck it. It was terrible Burke. God, it was. Those last three nights were like Joey you gotta do something with your life and I got up the next morning I do like three bonkets. I was already dead so I'm gonna do three bonkets and I went right to the hospital. When I walked in they were looking at me We're like, did you smoke a pot last night? And I did edibles in there you brought your edibles. Oh, yeah mushrooms too

Because how boring is it not the first week I went in there sober I was sober Pete when I had to go back I put some edibles in my fucking Backpack and some mushrooms. I got fucked up in there backpack and some mushrooms, I got fucked up in there. God. Fucked up. When my blood pressure would go up, my oxygen would drop. And at one point, I had like eight white doctors around me. They were flabbergasted.

What's going on? And I'm like, dog, I ate some edibles. Now I know what happens to your body. They were like, they called every white person in that Hindus, they had every smart person in that hospital. And they were all sitting around me going, we can't figure it out.

How's your blood pressure? Hi, I thought it. And I felt like telling them, I got some edibles in me. I got 400 milligrams of meconciliable. I couldn't do it. Yeah, you gotta have a good time in there. Because now it gets kind of boring. But the TV was great, I brought a computer.

I brought a bunch of books. I tried to write in there. It's like doing a movie. It's gonna suck if you don't bring anything You better bring TV a couple shots a joint a book a computer a notebook You know, you got to bring everything on those sets. If not, it's fucking brutal. You know what is yeah I gotta I gotta clean up. I Had a call with Leanne. I was I was hammered last night. I Was hammered I had a I was telling Pete I couldn't I couldn't understand where how it didn't I figured it out a

Girl at the bar hot as shit very sweet Costa Rican chick I Very sweet Costa Rican chick. I guess walked me in my room and I was like, I was like, hey man, I'm married, you know. She's just a good Samaritan. I was so drunk I couldn't find my key.

I didn't know what room I was in. And she was like, I'm going to get you to bed. And I woke up thinking she wanted to fuck me. She just got me to my bed. I told her the door. I was like, it's not going to happen. And she's like, yeah, I know.. I told her at the door. I was like it's not gonna happen. She's like yeah, I know But I talked to Leah this morning she's like yo when you come home you need to dry out It's been this this press runs been rough on me. How long is this run been?

Two weeks straight but It's been you know, yeah I I still do phoneers to radio stations so I've been getting up at six in the morning four in the morning uh LA time doing call-ins until like 10 then going to sleep going and do podcasts I'm ready to just stop podcasting like I if I could I would I would love to put everything on hold you know I've heard from like three people now that I really respect That

You should you should put that that Podcasting is bad for stand-up You think You got lazy Makes us lazy. Yeah, and I'm guilty before I throw anybody under the bus I'm guilty of it because we didn't know I've heard Colin Quinn Louis CK and a guy I won't say say Should stop podcasting and focus on stand-up. They're like, it's it's bad for stand-up If you listen to the last Rogan I did, I told Rogan

that I just want to do stand-up without podcasting for one year. I'll tell you why it makes us lazy. And we've all done it in our specials. We all do it in our stand-up. We involve the podcast. And what we don't know is that special's on Netflix. The people that are sitting in the audience audience they know what you're talking about. Yeah, but the people at home They don't know so when you're talking about

Whatever Those are the people you need to worry about who's uh, who's the hottest comic in America right now? They park out see me park out see ya Nate Said some stuff that I heard on a podcast that was brilliant and he was right. We're not, we're not doing comedy for the general public anymore. As podcasters and we all fell into this including myself before anybody goes Joey, we include our podcast in our stand-up and that's good and bad. It makes us lazy. I mean the podcast

Opened our eyes to people. Okay, I loved HBO the boxing show Yeah, the when they follow the boxers. Yeah, because you could hate somebody You're like I hate that fucking dude, but then you find out his wife died and he raised his four kids by himself Yeah way before he gets up at four to go box And he comes back home feeds him puts him on a bus And then he's there at 330 and he has to put him to sleep and his sister has to come home What the kids while he goes to train 8 o'clock at night? Yeah after a full day UPS or whatever the fuck they're doing

It makes you love somebody and that's the same thing podcasting did for us. It showed, you know, when they see you on stage they think that's it. You're the end all be all. They don't know that we have a complete different life and that's really an act. It's an act for me, it's the truth, but it's an act. You're talking up there. I think with the podcast, we just involve it too much. Yeah. And it's our laziness.

It's not the audience's fault. It's not even our fault. We didn't know. We did not fucking know. So I told this to Joe. I go, I think that I'd like to try it for a year just stand up Yeah, no more podcasting just to eliminate that. Oh, you know my story We're

We're letting the art we're thinking that the audience knows us and they don't yeah when you do a show in Milwaukee That's one thing when you do a special on Netflix. You got to assume You know, yeah you how many people watch your special so far 10 million. I don't know Five of those million. Yeah didn't come to your show Definitely five of those billion didn't come to the myself. Yeah, so they were like well, yeah, that is crazy Yeah, too. I guess a special on Netflix probably pulls in I'm guessing 10 million 10 million Yeah, and and you and I'm definitely not selling 10 million tickets. No, but there are new people who are watching you Yeah, it's like when somebody goes. Oh my god. I listened to the church last week from the beginning. Oh, they just discovered you

Yeah, they just discovered you and all this craziness. We thought they knew we were no There's people that go to somebody's house. I they go have you seen this guy and they go my god I'm gonna watch that podcast in the beginning. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah people that do that Adam Sandler Adam Sandler built a fucking Following that's amazing. He got to you in college. Oh, I remember he got to you in college. Fuck yeah, Billy Madison. He got to you in college and then you follow him all the way through. Yeah, he's still my guy. Yeah, he's still your fucking guy. Yeah. I mean what the fuck are we talking about here? Yeah. He did it so what may we do that too. Some new kid just picks up an

album one day and goes I love this guy. He's calling you up asking you creepy questions, hitting you on Facebook and you're like I've been around for 20 years Yeah, 30 years. I've been doing this shit now you yeah because they're just learning who you are, but absolutely I agree with Colin. I agree with Louie. I agree with anybody else I think that we just we play assume too much We assume and those are the people that turn your special off. They're like, who the fuck is this? Who the fuck is that?

I enjoyed your special a lot. Thank you. A lot. I cried at the end because I knew Priscilla. That's what my wife even said to me. I never knew Priscilla died. My wife was really upset. She was crying and shit.

My wife was fucking. That might be the best reaction ever. My wife was fucking. Terry found out that Priscilla died. She was crying at the end. She goes, now he's making me cry. I'm like, what the fuck? But it was a good special. I like how you include everybody. You were dirty as fuck, which was fucking great.

You did not give a fuck. The thing about now that you can see your dick because you lost weight Yeah, that's so true because people suck your dick. You don't know who's sucking your dick when you're chubby. You just pray for the best You just pray for the best like who's sucking my dick I have no idea And you try to look but you had that guts in the way. All you see is like a forehead and an eyeball That's it. You know, I don't know who this person is. But you said some great stuff. And like I said, I don't even watch

that many specials anymore. Because they've become, even the special. We got a special on Netflix every week now. Every week. Chelsea's just dropped today. Every week. And there's so much competition. So now the special has to be about something different. I mean now the special has to be about something different It can't be 30 can't be an hour material. It's got to go somewhere now

Yeah, 32 minutes with a fucking video at the end of you singing a song it's got to be something completely different because the Special has been kind of burnt out in a way Yeah, and if you look at the old the specials and you see the new newer specials I Don't know gave these people permission to do what they do Because if you look the old the specials, which I really enjoyed Yeah, they focused on you from the waist up and that was it

The only one was like Richard Pryor live from the Sunset Strip. Yeah, it was a big shot You know, but yeah, if you look at the Lenny bruce's and all those old specials It was a hundred percent on you no audience and now it's got now we got spider cams Now we got spider cams and we got all this shit and you think it make this the special look better But I don't know. I think it breaks. I think that's why people can't watch the special past 32 minutes Yeah, because it's I'm watching the audience. It's a lot. It's a lot. Just watch this fucking guy I'll tell you what I'll even take it further. I missed you know what I miss is is

albums I Remember listen to David tells skanks for the memories and going This is perfect and it's perfect that I can't see it because it played to my imagination I've always loved live out. I fucking love live. It's a it's a you know, you put on one of the rich prior and What you hear in the background or the red fox one yeah when you hear beer cans opening and oh it's so lighter cool a lighter lighting a cigarette yeah and they were you can see like red fox and and the other guy prior weren't ever in a rush in those little blue clubs yeah you know it

probably sat 200 bucks yeah his agent didn't call him and go, you're wasting your time. You need to be an 800 seeder. Yeah. Yeah. It was just as pure as a special could be, whether it's prior, I think two of the early, uh, Harlem ones, like an album I had, one of the best is like Bob Newhart. His albums are fucking great. Oh, amazing. Amazing. And I like listening to that. I like to hear the album going up and down,

skipping maybe. I miss that and that's what I always wanted for podcasting. Podcasting wasn't supposed to be perfect. I love these guys with the $22,000 studios. That was, we're doing pirate radio here. I loved the, can I tell you what my favorite I miss Do you remember Rogan had that phone that would just ring in his office? You'd be doing a podcast that just start ringing. Yes. Yeah, you're gonna get that he goes. I the lines dead

I don't even know who the fuck has that number No, you'd hear it listening to a podcast and then you do the podcast and it would ring oh I love those old-school it was it it was like I have my favorite was when I had microphones and you would come on and you get so excited you move the mic oh my god let me tell you something do you remember the time do you mean I'll tell you what I may find this and repost this just the audio. Do you remember the time Ralphie came over and he fell asleep? Oh my god And then he woke up and he fell on the dollhouse and crushed the dollhouse That was such a surreal fucking night god because Ralphie was going through a hard time in his life,

and you called me at seven, and you're like, Ralph, you'll be here at a quarter to eight ready to do a podcast. Do you wanna do it with him? I go, yeah. And you said, you go, I don't know if he's gonna show. You're like, I don't know if he's gonna show. Let's see where he goes.

I got there at a quarter to eight. We probably sat there for an hour and a half We're from they kept saying I'm on Laurel player. I'm on Laurel Canyon play. I'll be right there. What the fuck And then he showed up and he had the vapor pen Yeah, and he kept trying to sell us that the vapor pen was fucking him up and he would fall asleep And he would wake up and he'd fall asleep There's no camera for this but you'd be telling a story and then you'd look at Ralphie and you'd look at me and you'd start, but you were still telling the story going, he's sound

asleep. He's out of fucking sleep. And that was at 1130 at night. We did like a two hour podcast. We got up, I'm high as fuck. I am high as fuck. And we get up and you and I are talking We're walking and Ralphie's supposedly there with us and all of a sudden you

And we're like what happened and Ralphie fell on the fucking dollhouse. He was laid out the dogs get me out of here. We We had to lift him up But we lifted him up and I could not laugh in his face because it would have broken his heart we and you got him to the car and You called me and you go he crushed the dollhouse We were crying laughing sometimes laughter gets stuck in your lungs Like you cannot laugh and I held it and then we got to the car. He wanted to talk About whatever and I'm like, I don't want to talk, Ralphie,

I have to go let this laugh out of my chest. And finally he got in the car, I didn't see that dollhouse, it was always an excuse, I can't keep smoking this reefer. The Cheebo Chews, he was blaming everything. And I'll never forget getting in the car, going around the corner and there's a subway right there. It was 11th day of the night, everything was closed on Laurel Canyon and I just had to sit there

and let that laughter out. And I must have laughed for 20 fucking minutes because I could not. That was the best. I fell with him one time on Sunset. He fell with me. Yeah. Same thing. We get out of his car and we're talking.

Yeah, yeah, bye bye. I slammed the door and we're like, yeah, yeah. Next thing Next thing you know I'm like where the fuck is Ralphie at? I look over, he's out on the street on Schrader. No, whatever the fuck that street was. Gardner. Yeah. There's a fire department right there and it's sunset. There's the guitar sign and all that shit. He's laying on his back on a metal bar. He cracked, you know how they make a hole and they fix the street and they put a metal on top of the street to cover it and it's got that half inch? That's what he hit with his foot

and he just fell and went on his back. And I'm trying to pick him up and I'm like, Ralfie, get up. And he's like, I can't, player, I can't. And I'm trying to pick him up and finally I'm like, Ralfie, I'm not doing this because they think I'm trying to pick him up and finally my Ralphie I'm not doing this because they think I'm mugging you People already starting to pull up and what's that kid doing?

Because he's on the floor. I'm trying to pick him up. Yeah, finally a fireman came out He's like what's going on over there. I can't get this guy up. He's like fuck you I get up I just spurt my ankle. You didn't hurt your ankle Anything not to say he just fell Yeah I just spurt my ankle. You didn't hurt your ankle, Ralphie. Anything not to say he just fell. And I remember picking him up and like for weeks torturing him about that. Like, Ralphie, can't keep falling on the street. Fuck you, Blair.

I tripped over the thing on the street and shit like that. But that dollhouse night was something that I'll never forget. I'll never ever forget how funny he was in the dollhouse. He was all crinkled up. Oh like he was all on his stomach and it and it Flattened it it flattened it and we were laughing. I remember when you called me after you put him in the car We I had held it in and I fucking was standing in the backyard crying laughing

Did you ever see him fall on Kimmel? No He fell walking out on Kimmel when time fell on the stairs to do stand-up I don't know where I saw the clip but man do he was you know, I Bums me out so you see those clips. I Don't think he really doesn't get the credit. He deserves no never did he never got that I mean he says he said things do you remember he had that bit about fat bastard and he goes oh that's funny to you oh I see black people laughing what if we have black bastard I'm talking a man so dark

you throw salt in his face it looks like deep space what about Mexicanized bastard a grown man with baby teeth a grown man with baby teeth How you gonna be a grown man with he was so fucking his my favorite bit. He ever did was the Girls you don't want big dick leaving your pussy looking like a horse reaching for a sugar cube He was impossible to follow. He was so likable. He was such a good guy. Such a good fucking guy.

People will never understand that about him. How many people he helped. How many people he just gave money to out of his pocket. I mean he treated me like a fucking king. He would come back on Mondays with a huge yellow manila envelope filled with cash. He would take me to a weed store and go buy whatever the fuck you want.

Meanwhile, he was spending two, three Gs. Two, three Gs at a weed store in the beginning. Where they would come in, they'd go, we don't want nobody else in here. Ralphie had that type of pull at the weed stores already. We were going to Cush Mart and they would know. The owner, I would call the owner and say, Rob, I'm gonna be there in 15 minutes.

All right, I'll leave the back room open for him because he was going in there and dropping two, $3,000 and then he would put it in his fat. Remember, he would take the bags of ounces and put it in his fat and get on a plane. Fuck, and then he got caught in Guam with the weed and the dog died and dog, he, oh, then he got carried off the boat. He got sick on a plane. And then he got caught in Guam with the weed and the dog died. And then he got carried off the boat.

He got sick on the boat. On Cowhead's boat. Yeah. Cowhead's boat. I mean it was just a string of things. With the last, I think I saw him before this, but one of the last times I saw him, he was on Cowhead's cruise.

And he did not leave the bed. He was in the bed the whole time. And he was like, like, ah, player, I'm going through, I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I'm not smoking, I'm not eating. And then the Indian guy that worked, like the bellman or whatever,

the guy that would like check our rooms, the maid, Indian guy goes, Mr. Ralphie's lying Mr. Ralphie eats everything and he's like shut up. Boom. Jam. It was and he would go Mr. Burt get mr. Ralphie out of bed. Get mr. Ralphie out of bed We get him out of bed and he and then he did only time he got a bed is to do stand-up and man He goes he was like, why don't you close the show Burt? And I was like, okay, and he went up and he fucking put one on them Destroyed and the guy got up on stage. I fucking ate a dick couldn't follow him

It wasn't they was funny with the likeability. It was like following Domarer back in the day He was so likable that you were gonna bomb whether he bombed or not. You were gonna bomb because he was very likable. And that's what Ralphie, and let me tell you something, he had a great sense of humor. Like, a thing that nobody knows is, there used to be a club called Spellbinders. The improv is there now.

Well, they moved out of that. Spellbinders was a big time Houston club. It was run by a lady named Kim Karnes. It was one of those clubs. The Houston Improv wasn't there yet. It was just the last stop, last spot. The last stop, the last spot. And then it was that club. Yeah. They had four big clubs at one time. I start calling them, you know, like anybody else. I get to LA and I'm calling them every week. Hi, I'd like to play your club.

I'm in Houston at this club. I like to, ah, send the tape. I ain't sending the tape. This went on for about six months. And all of a sudden I call her one day, Kim or Lynn, whatever her name was. And I go, I didn't get Clements to do this. I dropped Ralphie's name.

I go, well, Ralphie's a dear friend, and he said to give you a call, and it was silence. Silence. She goes, okay, let me think about it, and I'll call you back, okay. About a month later, I got a couple lines in me. I'm by Ralphie's at night laughing with him, and I said, Ralphie's at night laughing with him and I said Ralphie I hope I

called Spellbinders and gave me a name. He's like no you didn't play And I'm like, yeah, he goes man. I sued them. I Go why you sued them? He goes cuz I fell through the stage They didn't fix the stage and then somebody told me the story that Ralphie's up there bouncing and the fucking stage went right down he felt right through the stage in front of 200 people all you saw was a little head coming up from the stage so Ralphie sued him I didn't know this shit I'm calling they're using his name and she's like and also he's telling me that he went through the but

people were in the apartment Yeah, all the friends from Houston. They were saying the stage wasn't broken you broke it. Fuck you fuck you I sued them didn't I want he He got on stage with me in Nashville one time took his shirt off and started dancing There's a picture of me and him shirtless on stage. I was driving to go, I had to drive to Atlanta, or I had to drive to Georgia and see the girls, the girls were over at the lake house. And I was driving from Nashville to Bowden and my phone rang and it was Joe,

and he goes, how dare you? I shouldn't have to see that fucking picture. He goes, I'm gonna make you start putting your shirt on if I gotta see Ralphie with his shirt on. Oh my God. You know, Ralphie had like, I had a friend, I'm still friends with the guy, 20 years ago, we're still friends, I just saw him by the year ago at a comedy club

He used to have a hot little girlfriend. Yeah, I mean hot and you could see she was hot to try She'd always come to me uncle Joey uncle Joey. Okay. How you doing? Nice to see you. No, she dated one of my friends I'm not gonna hit on her. Whatever. She was too young anyway They ended up breaking up and one night this girl calls me out of the blue. I don't even know if she got my number. She's like, hey Joey, I'm in Hollywood doing stand-up and I'm stuck. I have no money to get home. Somebody stole my purse. And I go, well, I'm broke but I got ten bucks for you to get you home.

And I said, I'm at the comedy store. I go meet me up in front. My intentions were good. I knew this girl. She was young. When I go to give her ten bucks, this bitch whips her leg open and shows me a the front. My intentions were good. I knew this girl, she was young. When I go to give it a ten bucks, this bitch whips her leg open and shows me a little song. Okay, I gave it a ten bucks. I didn't say nothing. I go, about three months later I'm doing a room up in Pasadena. They always have those one-nighters,

pick up like a hundred bucks, and she was there. And she was again, like the shirt was dripping, her tit was coming out, and she's trying to she was again like the shirt was dripping her tit was coming out and she's trying to tell me she needs money for this or that I gave it 20 bucks whatever I don't hear from her and one night I got a call at my house I'll never forget this is Sunday night and it's this girl she goes uncle Joe I need to talk to you I need your your help. And I go, what is the help? And she goes, I got a movie. It's SAG, but they want me to pay SAG.

It's $2,500. Now at the time between you and I, I got $2,250 in the bank, and that's it. I'm talking about $22. She needs $2,500. So I'm like, let me play this hand for a minute. This chick has always been kind of freaky. Yeah. My wife's in the other room and I'm just dying with this girl. I go, so let me answer this.

If I lend you the $2,500, how are you gonna pay me back? And she goes, well, once the movie shoots, I go, so the movie's three days. That's $600 a day. That's $18. After taxes and commission, that's $12, $11. How are you gonna pay me back? I mean, I want you to have some money and she goes I don't know maybe I can make payments. I go scratch that Let's just do this wear that little thong and a bra and I'll meet you at the Four Seasons and there was and there was Quiet and she goes What do I have to do? I go. What do you think you have to do? You have to fuck and suck. We'll have a great time She goes, but you'll give me the 2500?

I'll give it to you before we even start. We'll meet at the Four Seasons in Marina Del Rey. Okay, again, I got $22 in my pocket. I'm in no danger. Yeah. She says, okay, let me make some plans and I'll get a car and I'll meet you up there. I forget all about it.

I'm talking to my wife, I'm eating, then also on my phone rings it's Ralphie. And Ralphie's like, where you at playing? I'm outside, let's go. I go, what are you doing outside? He goes, I came home early, blah, blah, all right. Never forget, it's a Sunday night. He was never home on Sunday.

I run downstairs, I get in the car with Ralphie. He wants to go do this, he wants to go get sushi and Beverly. And as we're leaving the phone rings And it's that girl And I go Ralphie pull over and I give Ralphie the lowdown real quick. I go don't say a word I know what's going on and she goes well, I Really thought about it and I'll meet you but you're gonna have the money, right? I go. Yeah I go and she goes what exactly do you want me to do? I go listen let's fuck a little bit maybe you could suck my dick maybe you

know and she goes hold on I don't like giving the head and I go listen it's 2500 you're gonna have to eat and she goes but what if I don't want to do that I'll fuck you and I go well I want to light your asshole on fire that's how I said how about I light your asshole on fire and That's how I said it. How about I light your asshole on fire? And she goes, I'll call you right back. And Ralphie's fucking dying in the car. He's like, I can't believe you said that to her. She calls back like 20 minutes later,

she goes, I got my uncle to lend me the money. When I told her I was gonna light her asshole on fire, she went fucking AWOL. I got my uncle uncle and me and Ralphie died for fucking like he just had a different Sense of humor for somebody from the south. Yeah, I always hit it off When I first met him, he was living on Joey Medina's futon and he broke it Up by vine up there vine off of fucking Santa Monica. He would just sit then he cooked for everybody That was always just great. He was a great great cook and if he had some he gave you have oh That's the way he came over. He came over to the house one time with the family

August was a baby. Oh, this was strong as fucking shit. I have a picture Somewhere a video of August holding a fucking six lifting up a 60 pound kettlebell He was like in diapers and Ralphie came over and he's like He's a go play. I'm gonna make some barbecue. We'll bring the family together I was like great and he made the best goddamn barbecue and he made his own barbecue sauce He made his own sauce and it was so good His sister came out to one of my shows in On fully loaded and she made she

she pickled a bunch of like Made a bunch of pickles and and like some pickles and vegetables and and made some jams and gave them to us Dude that food was in that fucking family the pickles Joey are like hamburger size they're so fucking thick and they're so good oh man I miss him a lot I do too as a stand-up comic I miss him I think when he died some of the class went out and stand-up comedy because he was really classy guy Yeah, he really did his best to be a classy guy on all levels He ran into whatever he ran into in the end But I miss him like that when I see those clips

I know Jesus Christ the damage he would be doing today. Oh my god the damage you would be doing Remember that that was a 20 year run. He won last comic what? 2007 he lost. Hey, he lost he came in second. He really won. He really won. Yeah. Oh, yeah He did well, you lost and I you know, I was supposed to open for him and he used him I got spider-man 2. Yeah, so I was 2003. What am I saying? Yeah, it was 2003 Yeah, George was born in 2004. I did last comic standing 2 which was 2004 Okay, and yeah, Georgia it premiered last comic standing premiered on June

7th 2004 because I was in the hospital holding Georgia watching me on last comic standing 2 Yeah, and I was like man. Thank god I didn't get on fucking last time comic standing. I would have fucking ruined me Joey I would have been I would have never become a good comic I just would have been that guy who had ten minutes and with thought was did whatever a man He thought America thought he should do Oh that you know, it's crazy like the little blessings

But yeah, Ralphie man. He was just uh, I really do miss him. I miss him I miss a lot of people stand up. There was a lot of good people I was just calling to see who has his phone now No, I don't I still got his number in there. I've never erased it Yeah, how we lost a lot of good people to comedy, you know, over the years. It's like the Comedy Store. I love the Comedy Store, but I can't walk in there anymore.

The piano player's not there. God, I forgot. And that's my boy. That was always my boy whether he was gay or whatever. Yeah, he had a heart attack. But he was a unique dude. He made my career because he's the one that said, Joey, dance. Go up there and dance and I'll play music for you.

And I'm like, what? And he was, I saw you dancing the other day in the hallway. You had me killing me. Dance up there. And ever since that, we started dancing. God. You know, he was just, there was just too many people that, I don't know.

I don't know. It's, but I do miss Ralphie. I miss Marilyn Martinez. I know her she was a comedy star chick She's the one that told me how to stop snorting coke Before she died she died like 10 days later She's like God wants you to stop smoking doing the coke In the middle of a conversation we were talking and she looked at me God wants you to stop snorting coke and I was like that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard but she

never talked to me about my drug addiction so for that knife I had to say that it blew me the fuck away Wow well I'm glad you're doing better with the fucking lung shit that's scary as fuck I learned a lot from Ralphie. Ralphie was very stand up conscious, more than anybody else at the time. When he wore the yellow jacket, bigger and blacker, I asked him why he wore it.

And he goes, because if they're watching TV, they're gonna stop when they see that yellow jacket. There were so many little things he already knew. Yeah, you know you gotta remember he was blowing up fucking stages when nobody knew who he was getting $200 and I saw it. I saw him going I would go fuck when that guy starts hitting It's gonna be scary. Dude. It's gonna be scary and I was right. I was fucking right. When he started hitting, it was destroying him. We used to torture him because in the beginning when I first met him, I would go, how'd you do tonight? And he'd go, player, I got a stand

ovation, I made out with three chicks. And then every night he took somebody with him, the girl would always go, you didn't make out with three chicks? Yes, I did. I made out with the one chick in the back and then in the car she's like, you didn't make out with three chicks. Yes, I did I made out with the one chick in the back and then in the car She's like you didn't make out with her and we would just torture me would come to me and go I know the Ralphie you got a standing ovation and you made out with three chicks. God damn it I did I did again. I think I have four I think it's the one girl You know, he was fucking one one the creepiest thing ever happened with me and him Because I think he did San Francisco

We do San Francisco. I'm sorry. Did you do it? Did you ever do that? I quit. I quit the second night I liked I've never I never could have done it and I would have been horrible This is a fucking nightmare, but I bet he would have done that. Yeah. Yeah, I think he did I think he did but because I remember doing one of the gigs with him and We're getting on the elevator and his keys fell and there was a little hole on the floor And this could only happen to Ralphie the keys fell in that fucking hole and we couldn't leave he had to get a locksmith to come Fucking open up the elevator the elevator guy had to come over and get his fucking keys Or not. He had to come and get his fucking keys or if not he had to make them.

It was a fucking nightmare. And I remember him going, man I only made two and all, this locks me once, 250 or something. He was like, we were fucking just struggling. And it's so weird how, I was in Vegas one time opening for Joe, this has to be 1998. He was just wrapping up news radio. And we were doing the Riviera. The Riviera had that dirty show. Yeah. On Friday and Saturday night. And I remember on the flight there

on Southwest, Slash was on the plane. They go, that's so fucking weird. Slash is on the plane. Now it's 98. They weren't really touring at the time. I don't know what Guns N' Roses was doing. When we got to Vegas, I did the show with Joe and then I got one I couldn't sleep. So I went to walk around and I saw Slash. He goes, hey, how you doing? How you doing, man? He goes, I know you're from the store, right? And I go, yeah, yeah.

You're friends with Chewie? And we just started talking. And I don't know how we got into conversation he goes the best part of what you're doing in your career you're living it right now he goes once you make it you start doubting and it's not really a struggle anymore but I want you to remember these times when you struggled when you didn't have money for cigarettes when you you know didn't have money for a hotel because this is the shit that makes you and a lot of people don't what's the word I'm trying to use they don't process this yeah this is you have to keep this with you every day the struggle that you did it's not about

Lamborghinis and private planes that That struggle has to, that's what keeps me alive. That little struggle, knowing that, you know, I had to break into somebody's house to sleep on the road one time. Yeah. Like I was walking, the place didn't have a hotel. And I took a bus there. And I still remember like the bus wasn't coming

till eight in the morning. It's four and I'm walking around, it's freezing. And there was a guy who had like a little fucking window and I just broke in there and put a garbage bag on top of me and slept until the bus came. I still honor that. I still think about that memory and go, wow. And I got on the bus like nothing happened

and went to the next town and picked up my 50 fucking dollars. You know? God, yeah. It's those struggle, the struggle is, I remember Ralphie said to me one time, he said, my first special, Comfortably Dumb, was coming out. And he said, he's like, player, you better hope for a snowstorm.

I said, what, it was in February, I think it came out in February. Pray for a snowstorm, Burk Risha. He goes, my special came out and there was a blizzard and the numbers are through the roof Everyone's in the house and he goes you don't want rain rain takes out the electricity you want snow and when Hey big boy came out on Netflix. I wanted to text him so bad. He was already dead, but I wanted to text him so bad because Hey big boy came out three days after stay-at-home orders So bad. He was already dead, but I wanted to text him so bad because Hey big boy came out three days after stay at home orders.

And I was like Ralphie. I got better than a snowstorm. The entire country is forced to be inside and my special just dropped. I remember hearing Ralphie's voice in my head going. Oh shit a pandemic a pandemic better than a snowstorm player God So, what are your plans now that For the rest of the I know you got a tour coming. It's not huge, right? No, it's big. It's big

How long was this last? It's uh Starts in September and it'll be I'm going abroad with it and it's arenas So yeah, I'm doing red rocks again. You should come out and do red rocks with me. Yeah, I do red rocks I'm gonna go out. Yeah, it's been a while. I'll be blast. You should touch a great fucking place, dude I fuck it's my favorite place and my favorite venue the world the world come out and do very good I used to go see bands then yeah and I was always like blown the fuck away when I would go to how beautiful it was and to walk up there and the mushrooms and the fucking chicks and the whole fucking it is great man what are you in red rocks

October 1st yeah I'll come out with you cuz I got a bunch of I'm picking up some dates in the fall two dates a month. Yeah Casinos shit like that Yep October 1st, yeah, it's a Wednesday, okay, that's even better over first red rock gotta go out there I miss Colorado Yeah, I can't convince the girls to go out there with me. It's killing me. Joe was just there two months ago and he was, I just miss it. I just want the girls to see it. Oh yeah, I was talking to Joe on the phone when he was out there.

Yeah, when he was out there. I want the girls to see it. I want them to see where God's land. That's what I call it. That's God's land. I'll tell you what, we do it right when we do Colorado. I'll have Leann reach out to Terry and we'll set it up. It's so fucking great.

How do you do it? We get these, we rent out a whole hotel that's all on a river and in Evergreen and we rent out the whole hotel and everyone's there. It's so fucking great, Joey, it's so great. I need a couple days in Colorado. Yeah, okay, I'm excited for Red Rocks now. We were thinking about where to go in August,

and I'm like, Colorado's just not, I mean, you wanna see it in the summertime, but you also wanna see it in the winter. Fuck yeah. I love all that shit. I would start in Aspen and take them back down Independence Pass, because that only opens three months a year,

two and a half months a year, and you better catch it by mid-September. If not, you're fucking done. God Colorado's yeah, it's fucking great. And I was gonna move that burn I was already moved there. I was gonna move to The other slope Grand Junction towards there I was gonna go away from Aspen Telluride, oh, I wanted to move Wow, and I saw a couple houses that I could afford the problem was It's fucking there was not gonna be school for a year It was closed I was moving during the pandemic I had already said no school to at least January

I remember the whole year. I can't have her in the house till January You know fucking way there was a healthy for Isla. And Jersey, they had school already. They would, you know, it was very, they would close one day or whatever, but at least they tried it. They had the computers and it sucked for everybody, whether you had to go to, it's kind of weird that this last week,

last Monday was five years since that fucking thing. Just to plan down, St. Patty's Day. Everything got shut down on the 14th, which was Friday. I was coming to New York City to shoot the, to finish the soprano movie. And I was gonna come in on Tuesday, do NAYAC, on Wednesday and Thursday, and then that weekend, I was gonna buy a house.

That's what I was doing that week, and then me and my wife were coming back April 4th. That was the plan to close the house and get everything moved. All of a sudden the pandemic happened and I couldn't come back and I was taught about coming back but the guy who spread COVID was the Jewish guy who went to Italy to ski and he came back to his neighborhood and everybody got it So i'm like i'm like looks like i'm not going to bergen county We wanted to definitely get out like at that point we're like we gotta get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I saw I saw latin kings tattoo on uh

By the park And I saw one by the school, the school our kids went to. I saw that. I just saw a lot of shit. Like now they say that neighborhood is not good. Everybody had to put fences up. People just walk into your yard, that there's people.

That was the, our last straw where we're like, we're gonna get out of the neighborhood was a guy overdosed in our front yard. Our last straw where we're like, we're gonna get out of the neighborhood was a guy overdosed in our front yard. And Leigh Ann had to call 911 and she's on FaceTime with me. There's a guy, he's passed out in our front yard, he's overdosed and they came in, they gave him Narcan and he woke up and they took him to the hospital.

But it was like, yeah. And when we were redoing the house, man, that was when it was getting scary too, because once you put a fuckin' porta potty in your front yard, you become a homeless fuckin' haven. Every homeless guy in the world took a shit in that front yard. We had to turn, we had to empty that porta potty

like twice a week, because homeless guys were, I pulled up one time and there was a line in my front, like a guy was waiting to take a shit because homeless guys were dead. I pulled up one time and there was a line. A guy was waiting to take his shit in my porta potty in my front yard. And I was like, all right, I'm fucking. Where do you live now, up north? Yeah, we live over in Sherman Oaks. It's kind of funny how everybody kept saying,

something's going on with those comedians. They're all leaving in a rush. Yeah, we'll find out in time There was nothing going on. No, it was just time to go if you were there I think every I think you know, I think it was the right time for everyone. Yes, it was the right time It was right for me. Yeah, and it hurt me to leave and it bothered me a little bit But I knew that I didn't want to raise my daughter there. That area was getting worse and I didn't see the point anymore. You can live anywhere right now and do comedy.

You can live anywhere. It broke my heart to leave the store and it broke my heart to leave my friends, but I had to do it for myself and for my family. That doesn't, you know, there's another thing I look at and I look at and when I say this it's a little hypocritical because if I knew what I knew now I would have got out of LA in 2013-2014. If I knew what I knew now I would have gotten out of LA in 2008. But the problem was I also enjoyed what was happening at the Comedy Store Oh from 2000 how I mean how fucking lucky were we to be at the Comedy Store when and and and be in LA When the guy now that has changed the landscape of media in general was creating the thing and

I mean those early episodes of Rogan like I mean I you know I love Joe, but I think he's so much smarter than me that I like I get lost when he tells me things like I do His podcast now and I just sit there and not I'm like, yeah I'm like I'm not as smart as you Joe. He knows so much shit about so much shit I'm like like but those early Rogan's when he was just a meathead. Those were the fucking the funniest Fucking podcast used to go in there and go crazy you knew it that you were gonna get it you knew you were gonna get a great response yeah and I went on Rogan I knew I was going on Johnny Carson the 70s yeah I knew that everything I had to say had to be fucking gold yeah if not it's gonna you

know and I read a thing about a year ago comics like I went on there nothing happened for me Well, bitch you went on that talking that oiky-doky shit you talk about you gotta go outside the box and Rogan I said some shit that I dread Saying I'm Rogan Dread saying I got like four people on Facebook that they want to throw me under the jail for what I said about him I'm on Facebook. I really don't care it was true and it was that time to say it was 40 fucking years ago And that's what I've always thought a podcast is about to be fucking crazy But then they started telling you what we can and can't say now

I haven't given a fuck in five years. You want to cancel me? Yeah, try it Who gives a fuck I say whatever the fuck I want now. I really do, I really, why? Why, because I'm hurting your feelings? I wasn't put on this planet to fucking help your feelings and I wasn't here to hurt your feelings. But if you're getting hurt by what comes out of your mouth, go fuck yourself.

And that goes for everybody. One of the producers was, one of the TV shows I was doing, he's like, I watched your special. Are you concerned? And I said about what? She goes, well, some of the stuff you say. You afraid you're gonna get in trouble?

And I was like, I go, honey, I can't even tell you the thing you're talking about. I don't even know what you're talking about. So I have no fucking problem. I don't know what the fuck you're even mentioning like It's crazy. It just became something else and people but you keep doing what you're doing and fuck them Let them fucking worry about it. Fuck them. Yeah, let them worry about it, you know, it's uh It's sad that we can't say the shit

We want to tell that Pete some people don't want that shit said, you know And I get it. There's a lot of people out there that do shit just for attention and you're not getting nowhere This is a business at the end of the day. Yeah, so that nonsense you're talking. This is a business so you think about it, but you're gonna go say what's in your heart like About a month ago Selena Gomez went off about the Mexicans she was crying and I saw a guy that I know from LA he's way older than me about 65 family did a lot in Hollywood like he comes from a big time Hollywood family yeah he had one show as a writer and you think he wrote you

think he's Martin Scorsese, you know He only wrote one thing and they put him on that just as a there was a lot of shows going on They put him on there as a writer yellow. He's never worked again. He lives on a trust fund and The day or two after that whole Selena Gomez thing This guy put on his Facebook. I side with Selena Gomez I Whatever. I side with Selena Gomez I whatever I agree with Selena Gomez and I looked at that statement let's pretend he's 65 66 why would you say something

like that because now you go to your fucking coffee shop and your little white friends are gonna tell you so brave. Oh my god. We side with Selena Gomez, too, you know What makes a man say that I? Don't know that's LA. Yeah, that's that whole mindset of you know I see people not I hate Joe Rogan because they can't work his club Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of people that hate him now because he he made Trump the president You know all that dumb shit that I just look look at no what the fuck are you talking about? You know? It's just so sad that for a while. We let it

We can't we're comics. We're not actors. We're not I like people. We're fucking comics You want to talk about politics do it on your own fucking time or make it? Funny, but now you're making it your end all be all. That's not what we did. Older comics tend to go to politics because obviously they run out of material. Obviously you just can't say no more Mercy stories or Terry stories, Tyler stories, so you switch over. But I never wanted to forget who the fuck I was. Yeah, that was never gonna happen in this fucking thing

That was never gonna happen for me. And that's what you see now. You see people who forgot What the fuck they were at the end of the day were just dirty comics. Yeah, don't look at it past that There's no genius here. He's a genius. There's no genius here. I could be doing this for money or I could do it on a corner in Jersey in a deli for my crazy friends. There's no genius here. You know, he's a great actor. Well listen, I know he went to England. McQueen Latifah fell off the fucking boat in Newark and she could act. So what are we getting here? They gave themselves too much tapping on the back.

Daniel Day Lewis, go fuck yourself. Go suck my dick. Nothing bothers me more when they say he's a funny comedian. Again, I'm not putting him down. What's the guy's name that was married to the chick from Saturday Night Live, the blonde? Will Ornette. Will Or the blonde. Will Ornette. Will Ornette.

Will Ornette's the sweetheart of a guy. But don't call him a comedian around me ever again. He's a comedic actor. That's a big difference. That's when there is a director and they say cut. Let's say that again. We don't work with a director. We are the director of our party.

So I think that everything got out of control when you say comedian You know, it's like I saw something my line a couple months ago about Podcasters are a lot funny on the podcast and they are these podcasters want to go on the road now You never did stand up and you saw another theater because but you're not saying nothing to them. That's worth it. No, you know Because but you're not saying nothing to them. That's worth it. No, you know We worked at it. This is what the fuck we do. Oh, I'm way better at comedy than I am podcasting Oh, yeah, I'm not a journalist. I know I interrupt I fucking talk over people I know the story that is like your story, but I think's better. I'm like the worst at podcasting I love I have fun because I get to hang all my friends

Yeah, and then people enjoy it and if people don't enjoy it then then don't enjoy it but yeah it's uh yeah it's it's funny man yeah do you remember when Ralphie tore down Seth Rogan's picture at the improv they put up Seth Rogan is one of the you know comics and Ralphie fucking lost his Yeah, because that lost his mind What is this insult all of a sudden that you're comparing them to us or comparing? I can't act I can't go up against fucking uh, you know, daniel day lewis. Yeah, but don't don't don't say this guy's a comedic a comedian He's not a comedian. He's a comedic actor. Yeah, and that's why I take my pride that I don't have a director

You know roseanne is crazy as batshit, but she was on Larry King live and she said it best when you're a comedian You're a producer. You're an actor. You're a writer. You're a director. You do it all bitch. We do it all Yeah, we do it all without even knowing what we're doing. They do something They call it produce my producer night go fuck yourself You call three guys you give them a hundred dollars they come down and do comedy. What producer? You couldn't fucking produce a pillow fight. What fucking producer are you? So all these titles it's like directors. Yeah. They got a camera now they're a director. No you're not. No you're not. That's why there's so many shitty movies on Apple and all these fucking streaming. They got tons of stuff

on those streaming stuff. You're just not gonna watch it. It's some guy who got a camera, directed it short, then became a director and somebody paid him for it. And you're like, what the fuck is this? We all are around giving ourselves the pats on the back. And that's not what this is about with Dirty Comics. That's it, I don't want it.

Nobody wants to hear nothing out of my mouth except for stupidity and dirt. They don't want to hear me talk about what I think about the China relations Yeah, and I don't even know I don't even know I'd go to war. I don't give a fuck Yeah, I'm still waiting for fucking Israel to blow up everything. So this week they shot Kennedy now It's like that like we have these people that are fucking into who shot Kennedy who's on the Epstein list It's not gonna make a difference in your life You're still gonna be a stiff and you still don't have to jerk off three times a day It's none of your business is on the Epstein list like you're ever gonna find that you're never gonna all these white people walking around

Oh my god, like I was on the elevator the hospital one day some guys on there like I can't wait for they released a Kennedy list Why you got shot in the head 60 fucking years ago. Yeah, who gives a fuck who shot him? We can't bring him back. They're all dead now too. But we worry as Americans about the dumbest things that have nothing to do with us and how we're gonna move forward. Fuck all that nonsense. I don't want to hear it. I don't want Diddy. I don't give a fuck about Pete Diddy. Fuck all that nonsense. I don't want to hear it. I don't want Diddy. I don't give a fuck about Pete Diddy I don't give a fuck about who is on his list. He never invited me to get my dick sucked. So fuck him Right or wrong they never fucking invited me you're right at you no, I never got invited

Yeah, well that's the end of this podcast that's gonna stick this room up Joey, I love you. I love you too, man. It was great to see you. I'm happy you had me on. Oh, oh, that's the end of this podcast. That's gonna stick this room up. Joey, I love you to death, man. I love you too, man. It was great to see you. I love you to death. It's so good to see you. I'm happy you had me on. Oh, oh, that's a good fart. Okay. What do you got dates? What do you got, my brother? Permission to Party World Tour starts September 19th,

and Joey Diaz and I will be at Red Rocks October 1st. October 1st, I got a I got New Jersey pack June 28th Tickets sold out, but don't buy any tickets at that one 120 don't waste your time wait till the day of the show I got a moon tower two shows are sold out. They're done nice And I got Philadelphia May 18th at Parks Casino and and a date in August. Tickets on sale now. And that's it. I love you to death, Joe. I love you too, man.

Thanks for thinking of me. Fuck yeah. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, and swallows the other, wears the shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call,

Two Bears, One Cave.