2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

Check out Bert's new special "Lucky" streaming on Netflix! Tom just announced Fall dates for his Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour. Presale starts April 2nd, use code TOMMY. Watch Kyle Dunnigan on Kill Tony on Netflix today! SPONSORS: - You can find Cremo’s new line of antiperspirants and deodorants at Target or https://Target.com - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/bears. - Brought to you by BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/bears to get 10% off your first month. - Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://BlueChew.com! Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code BEARS -- just pay $5 shipping. This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave we have Tom Segura and guest bear Kyle Dunnigan! After both appearing on "Kill Tony: Kill Or Be Killed", now streaming on Netflix, they've got some thoughts and reactions from that insane event to share with of you. They also discuss Kyle's weird dating history, his interest in taller women, and how he finds dates in a world of dating apps. Kyle also has a massive collection of impressions he unloads, including Caitlyn Jenner, RFK Jr, Joe Biden, and the infamous Bill Maher impression that Bill Maher just absolutely loves okaaayy. They also exchange stories about bombing at private events and Kyle tells Tom all about the time he worked Tony Robbins' weird birthday party. Lot of stories, lot of impressions, check it out! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 283 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:14 - Tall Chicks, Kinks, & Awkward Hook-ups 00:07:56 - Kill Tony: Kill Or Be Killed 00:13:14 - Favorite Dating App 00:19:19 - Contrarian Dating History 00:30:02 - How To Pick Up A Woman 00:40:05 - Kyle's Instagram Impressions 00:48:53 - Elon Musk 00:52:59 - Tony Robbins Birthday 00:55:59 - Tony Big Words 01:00:31 - Bombing At Private Events 01:10:05 - Always Working 01:12:47 - Kyle Wants To Be Adopted 01:16:51 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My new special Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out. 100% Cheers. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Today's topic is the situation in Ukraine. The market continues to go down and there's no better person to discuss real world issues with than my regular cohost Fatt, Bert Kreischer. But he is at Fatt Camp. And so as he continues to try to lose 150

pounds, we have an incredible fill in this guy. You've seen him on CNN, you've seen him on Fox News, you've seen him on PBS, you've seen him on 60 Minutes. It's Kyle Dennegan everybody. Let me hear it. Thanks for my credits. I'm not even 150 pounds, so he would lose more than I am. How much do you weigh? I'm really light.

I haven't weighed myself in a couple months, but like I'm about buck 40. Dude. What's that like? It's good for jumping and. I bet you can run a couple months, but like I'm about buck 40. Dude. Yeah. What's that like? It's good for jumping and. I bet you can run like the wind, right? I can run pretty fast.

Girls can pick me up. That's kind of hot. Yeah. Do you ever hook up with like a chick who's like significantly. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Like a six footer who's like. Yeah, I did. How was that? It's a little weird, but. Do you kind of like it though? I have to like change, you know, my kink has to be like baby, like I'm a baby. Yeah, yeah.

You know, that's how it's said. What's wrong with that? Nothing. And then, yeah, you get like a diaper and like, I think. But it is... A little passive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like...

It feels like a different species when a woman's like that much bigger than me. Well, sometimes, like I remember I did a show one time and after the show there was a woman in the lobby. She was 6'4 and somebody was like, oh yeah, she plays for Team USA volleyball. And I looked at her like she was a sculpture in a museum. Like went up there and I was like, just admired her. I was like, Jesus Christ. She was also super feminine. She wasn't... Right.

You can be like, that's beautiful, but you don't sexualize them because it's just like a different species. It's a species, yeah. Women love tall too. They like men to be tall more than ever. I know, it's like sometimes it's people's, like their bio. Don't talk to me if you're not, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm on dating apps, it's like under five, ten, don't bother.

Don't bother. Don't bother, ouch. Which is crazy, I think, because it's always been a thing where I go, yeah, most men, like we go, well I dated a girl that was five feet tall, and I dated a girl that was six feet tall, and what you'll find is you'll just like somebody for who they are. You're gonna vibe with, you don't go into it being like, she's only five feet, no. Yeah, I tell them, I say, eventually I get hot after a while. Yeah.

And then they just don't believe me. Are you dating now? I go on dates and it's not been good. Why? Well, it might be, I'm definitely the common denominator, but I don't think I'm weird. I think I'm doing a good job on the dates. Okay.

But there's a lot of, you gotta pay for the thing, which is fine, you know? Because women pay for their hair and stuff. Right. And that's expensive and I'm like, that's cool. But then sometimes, this one girl came and just like ragged armpit hair. And it's like, if we're doing the I'm a man,

you're a woman, you gotta do the woman thing. We're doing it, you know what I mean? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So that, and then I don't know, I find, I think it's like really hard for people to go on dates. It's just a lot of pressure.

And then you, the guy has to plan the date. That's another thing, which I don't do this stuff. Like I don't, so I'm presenting like, this is who I am not. Right away, for a month, I'm like, oh, you wanna go wine tasting? I know. It's not me, I don't do that. But so isn't it better, like,

cause that's what we all, everybody who's been on a date knows what you're talking about, which is you're presenting who you think you'll like. And then after a month, you gotta go, he's dead. Yeah, yeah. You'll never see him again. That guy doesn't even, I don't drink wine.

No. What the fuck is wrong with you? I know, I do like to. That guy doesn't even, I don't drink wine. No. What the fuck is wrong with you? I know, I do like to drink on our first date, but I don't really drink much, but just to loosen it up. Yeah, but that also feels like a stint. It's better than coffee. Oh yeah. Don't take someone for coffee, everyone's gotta shit.

Everyone has to start shitting. Yeah. The worst date is a movie date, because you don't know them, and you walk in and for two hours, you're movie date because you don't know them Yeah, and you walk in and for two hours you're together and you don't know each other and you walk out hours have gone by And you're still strangers and something in your brain goes like yeah, no movie dates a bad idea I've been with this person too long. I thought Amy Winehouse movie with this girl. I really liked date one It was our second date.

OK. And it was just such a bummer. But we both walked out depressed. It was like, it was bad. I hate it. That doesn't end well, that Amy Winehouse story. I just saw this guy. He was on our show once.

And I was like, what do you like to do on a date? And he's like, oh, you know, a girl comes over. And we just watch a movie, just chill. I was like, yeah, it's pretty cool. I go, do you have to do on a date? And he's like, oh, you know, a girl comes over and we just watch a movie, just chill. I was like, yeah, that's pretty cool. I go, do you have a favorite movie? And he goes, yeah. And he goes, I like, it was some Sandler movie, like one of the...

Jack and Jill. One of the Harry Madden movies. Or he goes, my other go-to is Dallas Buyers Club. And I was like, the AIDS movie? He was like, yeah, it's a great movie. I was like, that's your first date movie? He was like, sometimes. That's insane, dude.

So crazy. Does he just come over right away for a come over in an apartment? He's not 100% okay. Okay, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I do the thing, I ask questions and I do the thing. I talked about them. This one girl goes, I let her pick a restaurant,

pick the most expensive restaurant. She did? In Los Angeles. That's pretty crazy. And I was like, okay. And then she's talking about herself though. Didn't ask me any, hour and a half goes by and it became interesting.

Like she never, she doesn't know anything about me. And then she goes, I love Portland, blah Portland blah blah and I was just in Portland I go I was just in Portland and she just went right over it yeah awkward pause mm-hmm that's awkward to not go oh yeah how was my favorite city yeah yeah it was weird that's but that's such a I mean it's that you had to spend the money to figure it out, but it's such a good way to be like, yeah, I'll never see this person again. Also pretty like, I'm down, you know,

I think you're the man you pay for the first date, but for the person to go, let me pick the most expensive place as a first date. Rude. It's pretty, it's kinda, yeah. That was bold. Very. What about this thing when you hook up, you know,

and then like a bunch of months go by and they go, hey, wanna, let's go check out whatever, a movie, you know? And you haven't seen her since you hooked up? Yeah, and then like you go and you pay for the movie and then after she's like, hey, let's get dinner and then you pay for dinner and then she's like, bye. You've had that? Yeah.

That seems like, it's like if we're friends yeah that's like hat you know hat friends then you should go half yeah I don't know and you you had hooked up months before yeah you know who you are you know you are just you know yeah fucking Venmo him I would love that that'd be awesome if right after this comes out he goes ding that might happen that'd. Well, that's a shitty thing to do. It's a shitty thing to do. You guys. Unless you're feeling sick or something. I guess. Let me tell everybody because right now, as of this moment, Kill or Be Killed is out now. Kill or Be Killed is out now. It's on Netflix. It's a special episode of Kill Tony. We were both at that and participated in...

Yes, we did. ...some way I participated in sitting there. And like, they were just like... That counts. Yeah, they were like, just don't... I don't know, just react. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch the show. I was like, okay.

Yeah. Yeah, so we just sit on stage and then it was, and you'll see if you go check this out, it was so funny. It was one of the funniest fucking, like, night's fever dream of the show. It was so crazy. Again, you can see it, it's on Netflix,

and obviously Kill Tony comes out every Monday. It's always a fun ride of craziness, but I feel like it was also, because this is a special event where it's like the first time it's going on Netflix, it was in overdrive. It was, yeah. Of like, especially with characters, right?

Because like, the show has, you know, they're kind of the regulars that do their time and then these bucket pools were like random open micers basically are kind of getting to try. And it was a full, you get the full range of like, hey, that was impressive. Oh my God, that was terrible. And some funny things in between,

but like Shane was Trump. Adam Ray did Biden and Dr. Phil. And you did Elon Musk and RFK Jr. And dude, it was it was some of the funniest shit I've ever seen. I started the show on the balcony. I was just watching from the balcony. And when I was told that you were doing Elon, I was like, Oh, I wonder what this will be like. And it was so fucking funny to watch you do these, like, these quirks and mannerisms, like, you know. The shoulder roll.

The shoulder roll, his accent, and the stammering. So, so, so, so, yeah, yeah. And his laugh is like, I almost pass out. It's so much air to do his laugh. He's like, it's like a major. It's really cool. Yeah, that whole night was really fun. And the best, what added so much to it was like,

A, I was like, I don't think I've seen, I don't know that I've seen someone do an Elon. And you had like the hat and like, you had an outfit. I think you were wearing it. It was crazy. It was crazy, you had a crazy, yeah, he looks crazy. But also the fact that you were sitting next to Rogan and you were like, this is my good friend. Good friend, like best friend.

Yeah, I had gotten, cause I look nothing. He was so uncomfortable. It looked like he didn't know what to do. I know. I know. I felt bad, but it was so funny. I look nothing like Elon Musk. Nothing.

I look the opposite. I have a long neck. He has no neck. I have a peanut face. He has a watermelon. Yeah. And so I had to get a prosthetic just to look. But it came out crazy.

I looked. Yeah. I mean, that with the is, that was you. That was, you were there wearing the hat and everything. Yeah, but the. No, I know, the face. I look like a fat bastard from Awesome Powers. It was like, it was insane.

But yeah, I don't know how it turned. I thank you for saying it was good. I was just like out of my mind. Oh my God, dude. What was going on. I think so many people too were like, they didn't know, like you were nailing it and they were just like, I think a lot of people were like,

I don't even know what an Elon Musk impression is. Yeah. Like they were just trying to like figure it out, but it was, I was absolutely dying at that. I'm so glad you liked it. Oh my God, so fun. Do you feel like to, because I remember I asked one time another comedian who's like

really good at doing impressions of people. I was like, how do you know? He's like, you honestly just try and you either are like I have it or I can't do this one. You kind of lean into it if you can and if you can't you're like I can't do that one. Yeah, there's some I just can't do.

And some come easy, and some are a little bit of work. But it was just the level of, like when you go, you were Saturday Night Live, you know, it's like, it's nerve wracking, I'm sure, and you go out there and it's like, this is like doing that, but you have no script and go out there. Right.

Do you know what I mean? And there's so much going on, you don't want to interrupt, but you're no script and go out there. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And there's so much going on. You don't want to interrupt, but you're not, you want to do a thing. And yeah, it's a really, it's very good workout. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, if you did it like more,

you know, you get better and better at it, but it's hard to practice it. Oh my God, if you were doing this like weekly, couple days a week, like putting on, like you would just like get into such a crazy zone. Yeah, cause you can't practice that. It's like, I sit on my couch, as we talked about, for months, you know, basically alone.

And then it's like, go out and do that. And then like, oh, I'm alone a lot. Dude, I'm alone so much, I'm not kidding. In my dreams, I'm alone. In your dreams'm not kidding. I'm, in my dreams, I'm alone. In your dreams? Yeah, like my brain doesn't know, forgot what company is, and it's like, we're in a field tonight.

But do you prefer it? Kinda, yeah. Yeah. What's your favorite, what's the best dating app for you? I mean, I've, Hinge, I think, might be the best. It's connected to Friends or something. So I like to work out before I come to work, and what I do is I work out Hinge, I think, might be the best, is connected to Friends or something. So I like to work out before I come to work, and what I do is I work out and then I walk to work,

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Look, I'm not doing well on these apps. Really? Yeah. I'm there to pay for dinners. So we got to get you off the apps and into, well, you're alone. So we got to get you into social circles. Actually, it's funny you said this because I did tell myself that. And so I've signed up for a bunch of like too many classes. like I have a pickleball league and then I'm Really? Yeah, I'm gonna do jujitsu, which I shouldn't do jujitsu. That's like a neck Hey, no do it do it. I'm like 30% neck and that's like whole thing. I was like neck holes Is just strangling people it kind of and then I got yeah I went to a get into one with has chicks in it. No, I did a dick super beginner

Yeah, although that's probably creepy thing, but then like softball I like, you know, it's gonna have girls. That's a fun one I like that. Yeah softball But yes, I'm pushing myself out there. I'm doing the things. I already got a massage school or something That seems like And then just what we rub women. Yeah, and then just what, we rub women? Yeah. And then just be like, oh, I'm interested in like anatomy. So like you just have a good cover story.

All right. I'll try that. And be like, oops, did I come? Yeah. Just be fun. Yeah. I don't, I don't go to massage parlors because,

you know, they, I don't want, nothing gets hand jobs. Like I don't want that humiliation in my life. Which humiliation? Just like when they're like, you want a happy ending or whatever. Oh, you can just go get a regular massage. No, I know, but sometimes you don't know.

Like I, if I, and I rarely go, but when I go to get a massage, I just try to look like I don't want a hand job. What does that look like? I'll tell you. Tell me. don't want a hand job. What does that look like? I'll tell you. Tell me. Don't wear a baseball hat. Cause that, you lose one hand job.

Cover identity, like. Just like, yeah. And then be like jolly. Yeah. Hey! Head massage? Yeah. I'm Kyle. Yeah, like that. And then they're like, this guy's a little too.

He doesn't want to. You police? Huh? Police? Yeah. Yes, oh, that's a little too. He doesn't want to yeah you police huh police. Yeah, yeah Yes, oh, that's a good another way to do it. Hello. I'm officer Kyle. I'm here for my appointment my regular massage. Yeah Yeah, so I'm getting social yeah stuff making an effort But yeah dating just when you go here's a date it's just it's a lot of pressure too When's the last time you had like a long term relationship? So long ago.

For real? Yeah, like seven years. That's how long it's been? This is my girlfriend, it was like seven years ago, yeah. We gotta get you a girlfriend. I've dated some. I did this girl, she was so weird. Tell me.

She was so weird. What was weird about her? And she's a writer, and she's like a pretty successful writer. Rogue? I don't know what that is. Nicotine? No, thank you.

I'm not sure how I'll behave on that. Okay. So she would, this doesn't go out to like. No one sees this. Okay. So she got in bed, you know what I mean? Yeah., like this is first of all, she was like contrarian Okay, so everything you say like you know, oh, it's raining out. No, it's not it's drizzling. Oh, okay Yeah, sure. I know like but I'm maybe it'll progress into rain right at it, right

But my bar is very low and I'm like I can handle like all these things yeah then like in the bedroom like she would talk about herself and she would she was verbal you know she's a writer and everything was like verbal and she's like I'm in a bar and like guys are what she wanted me to tell her like guys are watching and stuff like that. And then she would tell me about like a blowjob. She would tell me about it. She's like, I'm on my knees. I'm in front of you. I put you in my mouth. Like she's not doing it. But she's right, I'm like, it's right there. Isn't that crazy? Wait a minute. This was like her, this is like her, this was like a turn on for her. Are you laying next to each other in bed?

We're fully naked making out, yeah. And then she's just whispering to you like, I'm on my knees and your penis is in your mouth. And you're like, great, let's see it. Let's make it happen. Yeah, I'm like, it's. Love the buildup, let's act on that. It's almost like I'm not blowing you right now.

And then wait, after that, it would just be like, good night? It happened once, and we dated her for like, we were never like boyfriend and girlfriend for like over three months, we went on like maybe 10 dates. Did you ever ask her to be like, hey, what the fuck is up with this narration? You know what? No, I didn't.

It's insane. It's insane. I mean, here's the thing. I respect it as like part of your sex, like if she was like, one of the things she's into is like doing these descriptions. But where that's fun would be if you were like here and she was there and she told you over the phone and you're like, can't wait till I get back,

and you get back and she acts out the things she described to you. That's a normal person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she just never listened to me. Women don't listen to me, I gotta figure out. You know what I like? And she's like, anyway. I don't care.

Yeah, even like basic stuff, like I can't read, I never learned how to read. Wait, is this for real? No, I can read, but I'm like, I'm very slow reader, whatever, I never got tested, but. And then- Wait, is this for real? No, I can read, but I'm a very slow reader, whatever. I never got tested, but I took a Spanish class and it's like all your D's and B's are backwards. You're dyslexic. Yeah, yeah, something, but I never got tested,

but I read like a third grader. And that's one thing she knew about me. And the other thing she knew is I don't eat dairy. So for my birthday, which is nice, she got me gifts. She got me a giant book, the Count of Monte Crisco and a dairy cupcake, which is sort of like a, and the card said, I like you but I like your dog better, something like that.

The whole thing was like a... Kind of a fuck you. I don't know, yeah, right? That's a really weird thing. Yeah, she was fun in a weird way. The funny thing about that is that feels like, like this feels like a role reversal that you see. Where I would imagine this story coming from a woman

going like, this is how little this guy, it's always guys that don't pay attention. Yeah. You know, the guy would be like, here's the dairy, and then the girl goes, I'm fucking, I don't drink dairy. Right, right, I was the woman. Yeah, and then, but she's oblivious, like not paying attention.

Which is usually not how it goes. Yeah, she couldn't give a shit. She one time gave me, you know, like, she gave a shit about, one time she gave me, I took a picture of her, you know. Do you remember that I don't eat dairy? What? I don't give a shit.

I don't care, eat it. Yeah, stupid. You're like, I don't eat dairy? What? I don't give a shit. I don't care. Eat it! Yeah, stupid. I don't eat this though. I took a picture of her and she never took a picture of me or Oz or anything. And she asked me to send me the picture of her. There was a picture of me and her. And she asked me, can you send a picture of me where I look cute? The one I'm alone in?

Yes. Every time I saw her, something weird, something weird, she doesn't mean weird. That is fucking hilarious. And then, was it a natural fizzle out or did you? I did the fake because she actually had a tough upbringing. I mean, she wrote this book that's like a massive hit and I always felt like-

Really? Like 11 million copies. What? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Like, 11 million copies sold. What? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, so she really is good at telling us.

Yeah, she's very smart, but she grew up in a culty kind of thing and had a bad. I mean, you basically have said her name by now. No, no, no, no, no. No one's watching this. I know, but I mean, the details are all there, right? I don't think anybody's gonna come to. Could figure out who grew up like this and sold 11 million

Okay, go ahead. Yeah, the 11 million was probably about it. I don't think she watches. I think she just reads. It's fine She just reads that's fine. Yeah, we can cut that out. Yeah, we can if you want to I wonder Do you just tell me her name and then we'll cut that out? Yeah, who is it? Wait? No, really though? Yeah, we'll cut it out I don't believe you. No, of course we will. I don't believe you. We cut shit out every week, man. How do we get? No, confirm, we'll cut it out.

That voice that I didn't even know who that was. Oh, the voice that I don't know said it. Come on. We will cut it out. I would not do that to you, dude. Why don't I just tell you after? That's cool. Well, just tell me now. Let's just tell you after that's cool. We just tell me now

Let's go after that's cool I'm like trying to figure out what I get in trouble or is that like no maybe I think it would be good for her to know because She needs to probably be helpful for her and well then you want to say it. Huh? Do you want to say it? No, no, okay Do you wanna say it? Nah, nah, nah. Okay. Now you have internet sleuths hunting for this.

I know, it's almost worse. Can we cut the whole thing out? We can cut a lot of it out. We'll just go from, you said, two bears with Kyle to me making coffee. It should be one bear and a twink. Well how about this, don't give out her name. What's the name of the book she's selling?

Super 6ixle. That makes sense. And then everyone would have to figure that out. There were so many things that she did that... Sorry, there's so... Every time I saw her she did something funny. She was funny to me. We went bowling at three couples, you know?

And she was like, guys vs girls first. And I'm bad at bowling, but we were all bad Yeah, I think the highest score was like a 72. I got like a 59 whatever. I'm not good Yeah, kind of proud of that not being good at bowling. Mm-hmm. So So then we go, okay now let's do couples. I get a water, please. Thank you Go ahead. You want one? Are you good? Um, I have so many drinks. So After the first round of bowling we okay, now let's do couples, first couples. You know, we're on a first date, all meet each other,

and she goes, no, he's not very good. And it wasn't a joke, but she wouldn't. I wanna compete. Yeah, in bowling, where we're all bad. Which is supposed to be just a fun, who cares kind of thing. Who cares? Thanks, buddy. It's not like we're all bad. And which is supposed to be just a fun, who cares kind of thing. Who cares. Thanks, buddy.

It's not like we're playing for money. But anyway, that made me laugh. How, so what, how did the second round go? She switched it up. Oh, I fucking strike, spare, strike. I just destroy, because then I was like, oh yeah, you wanna see? I'll show you bowling.

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It's like, I'm in there. It can be very fun. Yeah. Did you guys meet on Raya? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. High achievers.

Yeah. Yeah. But I wanna meet, I'm gonna meet my next person, like in person. I just don't go up to people. That's right, I think that's better, dude. I feel so creepy and weird about going up to a strange woman. I've never gone up to somebody in my life and gone,

hey, I think you're pretty attractive sitting over here in your chair and you're thinking that you're drinking. I know. Would you like to talk to me? Yeah. Have you ever done that? I think I have, yeah.

I also, but I wasn't good at it, dude. I remember one time I was out and I saw this beautiful woman across the bar. Yeah. And I looked at her and then we made eye contact and then I'm with people and then we made eye contact. And then I'm with people and then we look at each other again and everyone with me is like, oh she's looking at you.

And I was just like, yeah, I don't know what to do. And so I looked again and looked at her and I was just like, damn, you know, really looking at her, right? She's clocking it. And I still was like, like what we're saying, I'm like, I don't know what to say. So then she came over, she goes,

hey, I noticed you're fucking looking at me. Do you wanna say what's up? And I was like, I don't know what to say. So then she came over, she goes, hey, I noticed you're fucking looking at me. Do you wanna say what's up? And I was like, oh yeah, what's up? Like it was, like she totally. Did you end up dating her for a little while? No. Nope. Did you blow it or was she just weird?

I think I blew it. I think she was probably normal. And I was just too. I had a woman, a friend of mine tell me, yeah, look, just look at him, don't look creepy, but like look, and if she looks back, then like you talked to her. Those five years ago, it's never happened.

I fucking, I'm trying to remember like the only things that have ever worked for me, because it's been so long, has honestly just been not trying to do something, just normal conversation. Like, you know what I mean? Like, hi, like just literally introducing yourself was like, it sounded, but like it was a thing that led to the best results was just not trying.

I had a friend who was like one of these guys you see on these like, let me show you how to pick up chicks thing and you'd be like Oh my god, and it would work for him But I think that's his personality like I was with this guy one time at a bar And he sees this girl and I'm like, oh my god. I hope I stand next to him. He's like, hey, baby, and she's like Hey, she's like, how are you? He goes a lot better now that I'm talking now and I was like no and they left together They just left I was like, no. And they left together. They just left.

I was like, this is insane. Yeah. I could never put a sentence together like that, you know? Yeah, it feels really cheesy. It's super cheesy, but you know, it worked for some dudes. I don't think I have the chin to pull that off. But you can do, hi, this place is weird. Yeah, but I come over like, hi, I'm Kyle, you know?

If I come over myself, it's not good. I don't come off manly, like, you know what I mean? Like that guy in the bar. What's your favorite, do you have a type of girl you like? Besides hot? Hot. I like a girl who's, you know, has a sense of humor. Definitely need that.

Like I said, if it's too tall, I kinda don't sexualize, but I'm not like, what's your max height? Six, I think I can go six, one. No, that's probably too high, maybe six feet. Six feet, how tall are you? I was five nine, I don't think I am anymore, I'm shrinking.

Shrinking? I'm like 5'8". 5'8 and a half maybe. Dude, there's plenty of women that fit this category for you. No, they have to like you back. You're a good looking guy, you're an entertainer, you're funny, you're charismatic, what's the problem? I appreciate that. Well, I don't know.

I think they have a good time. We go on dates. There's a conversation and a little laughter. I just might not be their type looks-wise. I mean, I think I- I don't think that's true. I think I peaked at like a six. And it's just, it's...

Look, height is very important now. It's become way more important for women. And I think I have a theory that's because it's the only thing we have left that they can't do. That they, you know what I mean? Like we used to kill the buffalo and stuff. Now we're just like, can reach that dish in the cupboard.

Yeah, but don't focus on height, you're focusing on height too much. No, listen, when I go out, I'm telling you like, when I go out, I do appear I think to have like a decent amount of confidence. Yeah, like and I I Do Someone else taught me this is actually good advice for guys out there dating telling it's like you touch the person Mm-hmm like like on the arm arm Yeah, touch put your leg if your legs they aren't touching her leg. This is Nikki Glazer actually technique taught me yeah and they leave their leg there that

means it's a signal it's a signal yeah cuz sometimes you're like going for a kiss at the end mm-hmm but you want to get like little signals watch their body when you touch but they recoil then like don't course yeah yeah yeah they don't teach you that no in school it also another thing is, so many women, I discovered this, were like, they just want the guy to make decisions. Like, a lot of women hate when a guy goes, wanna go out Friday?

And they're like, sure. And you're like, cool, like, where do you wanna go? Or like, what should we do? Women are attracted a lot of times're like, cool, where do you want to go? Or what should we do? Women are attracted a lot of times to decisive men. Men who go, there's this new show, I want to go check it out, there's this restaurant, I want to try it, or I love this place. We're doing this and this.

For a lot of women that's, oh, you're making decisions, I just get to go along with what you picked. So being decisive is a big thing. I do that, and yeah, I do that in the beginning. Oh, it does feel uncomfortable. It does, right? For me to be like, yeah, there's this really great art exhibit I wanna check out.

Yeah, well, yeah. Well, I see it was, I only remember it because it's completely unnatural to me too. I was more like, yeah, fine, whatever you wanna do. Yeah, and they're like, no, no, decide something. That's again, pretending to be someone else. And eventually you gotta be like, I don't know, I really wanna go do that thing.

But I'm taking a break right now, Tom. I'm on a break from dating apps and stuff right now. That's good, you're gonna go to Jiu Jitsu and strangle some chick, and then she's gonna be like, fucking A, what's your name? It's gonna be all dudes. That's not really like the place to, but I think Jiu Jitsu is like a good thing to do for sleep. I'm having trouble sleeping.

Just tire you out? Yeah, I gotta get tired and also I think the confidence of knowing how to fight, that gives you like self-esteem. Shoulders are back? Yeah. Fuck you up. I can fight, because I will tell you, I was with a woman one time, we were going down the street and this guy was coming at,

like got her in his sights, like a crazy person. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And like, he's coming at her, and I had to, in my head, calculate, I don't really know this person, is this worth getting in a huge fight? Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. And it like happened like that, and he like went up like this around her. And then I felt so bad that, this was years ago, I really didn't, I was like, I should have jumped in front of her and been a man. But then recently, like a month ago, same situation. And a guy walks in, started coming at this girl

I was walking down the street with, and I like got in front of her and like took her away from the situation and like she thought that was really hot. Of course. But then I haven't seen her since. What happened that night? She described a blowjob to you? We did make out.

Did she describe a blowjob to you? Yeah, actually, yeah. That she described a rim job and a blowjob. You did make out with her though. Yeah. She was all turned on by you being the man. Yeah, it felt very unnatural. Fuck. I don't know, I feel like we help people out there,

like a guy who's dating. Yeah. There's some good advice in there. There's definitely some good advice in there. Yeah. Also, I live alone and that's, that's, once you live alone for so long. Yeah, you get used to.

I can't imagine. Your ways. Yeah, yeah, someone coming into the. What's a typical Kyle day? Oh, Kyle will get up around like 6 a.m. and go, shit, I only slept three hours and Kyle will lay in bed for another three hours. Okay.

And be like, God damn it, why don't I just get up? You know what I mean? Sure. I'm exhausted, but let's just do that. And then maybe like, I'll get like a little bit of work done. I'll go to a coffee shop and I work there a little bit, editing usually, and then go to a coffee shop and I work there a little bit, editing usually. And then talk to a friend and then call it a day.

Yeah. Are you doing spots a lot? Yeah, I do spots like maybe three days a week in New York. I'm in New York City. You are in New York, I didn't realize that. I moved, I got out of LA. During pandemics? Like 2023, a couple years ago.

Oh, okay. Yeah, two years ago. But pandemics? Like 2023, a couple years ago. Oh, okay. Yeah, two years ago. But my house was like sliding down a hill and I was like, I gotta get. Are you loving New York? I do like it, the weather, I really, yeah. I forgot, I used to live there years ago. What part of the?

Park Slope. Brooklyn. Yeah, Brooklyn. It's cool. But yeah, my house in LA, there was this railing, you know, it was on a hill and there My house in L.A., there was this railing, you know, it's on a hill and there was this steep embankment and there was a railing and it came out of the cement. Time to go.

Yeah, so then every year, I was there for like seven years, it would move like an inch, you know? Then there was like two months of rain, it moved eight inches down this thing. And you can't get insurance. They won't insure your house yeah it's not a hell there also no fire insurance you're speaking of editing your IG because the characters are insane dude thank you now one thing

I wonder can we pull up his IG look at that that handsome guy handsome guy there's me and my mother singing. Oh that's right. Cause you would, wouldn't you fuck, cause I fuck with my mom constantly. But your mom. Oh my God, your mom videos are so funny. Yeah, she's singing and my mom's fun.

She's also in my Craig videos. I do that, Chris is going you guys. We got, we did, oh yeah, didn't, isn't this with your mom where she's like, aren't you doing things where she's like, just fucking stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With my mom,'s like, aren't you doing things where she's like, just fucking stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

With my mom, we showed her a screening of my new series. Uh-huh. Dude, she was like, you can't put this out. It was so great, and she didn't know there was hidden cameras in the screening room. Oh, that's so funny. And she was like, Tom, she goes, you have to tell them no. And I go, what do you mean?

It's coming on Netflix. She's like, no, no, no. She's like, give them the money back. Tell them, tell them no. Well, what was it? She was just like, she goes, you cannot go any lower than you just did. Like it's so disgusting. She's like, this is not who you are.

That's a great promo for your show. Yeah, they're going to use it. Yeah, I wrote it. So but she went on and on. She was like, you are absolute. She goes, does it just make you happy to be disgusting? And I'm like, yeah, sometimes she's proud of you, though. Right. Got to be. Yeah, she's proud, but she's also disgusted. Disgusted. Yeah. She's always like.

She'll see some guy tell like a nice joke. Yeah. And she's like, why can't you do that? Yeah. Okay, so some of the characters, let's scroll here. I wanna see. Bill Maher. Oh, Bill Maher.

You do an amazing, now, did I hear, does he not like it? Yeah, I don't know why he had, he had a problem with me early. This is like, I had not many followers and I had just really innocuous, like him reading to children, he was like, oh, should you eat eggs that are green? Like it was a dumb, like hacky kind of whatever. And then I found out AJ Benzo was like,

he doesn't like your impression. I showed him and he got mad. And I was like, really? Really? And then he went on Rogan and at a knower, he goes, you're playing some guy, he was doing a terrible impression of me. They get dragged on me.

Yeah, yeah. You know? And it's so spot on. Thank you, thank you. Hear that, Bill? So then he goes, I don't know who he was. I went to Hawaii with him in his private jet. Like he was just trying to shit on me.

I'm like, and so after that, then I started making some Bill Maher, I hadn't gang banged in my next video, but I didn't before that I wasn't being mean. He started it. Oh, and then I was in Whole Foods. And this lady comes up and goes, I just have to tell you,

I was a stewardess on Bill Maher's plane. And I said, do you, do you have your seen Kyle Dunigan's impression of you? And he turned away from me and he wouldn't look at me. They told me to go to the back of the plane and I didn't get a tip. What? Like he hates this impression.

A tip? You're supposed to tip him? At a private plane. You tipped the flight attendant? She said she didn't get a tip. So I guess they normally get tips. Okay. You've never tipped. know you had to do that. I've never flown private. Let's hit this. Let's see this.

Okay. Calm down. Calm down, people. I know it's exciting to see a big star on your little circus here. No, I'm kidding. I'm a big fan of the show. What was your name again, sir? I'm Tony. I'm Tony. Okay, that's our show. I'll be back next week with my guests or Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hot Tuba Girl.

Pfft. Dude, it's terrible. So the way you didn't do the land acknowledgement, don't you TikTokers like to do a land acknowledgement before the show? Wait, what does that mean? Well, he brought up the Indian people. You don't know about land acknowledgments? No. Come on. Yeah, you do. Every time you do a show, you're supposed to thank Indians for letting us do it.

You say this club is, was situated on the unceded territory of the Chickapacca people or whatever. people or whatever. And then we go, we, you know, just stare. It's hilarious, man. I can't, also, most people, what's interesting to me is if you have a distinct enough like, personality

level of familiarity, celebrity with people, and people are doing impressions of you, it's usually seen as like a flattering thing. I know, even if you hate it, have to just say yeah, I thought it's great Yes, you don't look like you're it bothers you wow it's funny that it bothers him though. I know You scroll down here. Oh, there's RFK in the middle there. I can't stay too long I have a German Shepherd slow-roasting on my grill

Who's the one with the MS? Is that my mom? All right. I want you to do something because I can cure this. All right. Listen, no, I mean, I want you to give her this is dehydrated. Batcom, it's it's got no. That's all you need to do. I actually like did. His voice was too low there. He's actually a need to do. That's insane. I actually like did, um, his voice was too low there. He's actually a little bit higher.

Yeah. Like I had him a little bit too low. You know what's funny is that I really, I guess RFK Jr. only came into sort of my, you know, um, ecosystem. Yeah. In the last couple years. And I know that he has a condition, which is why his voice is like that. Mm-hmm. But I didn't realize, I saw a video of him 20 years ago, and he's speaking and I didn't realize it was some error Just kind of saying it just came about I guess I thought it was like a lifelong. Yeah, I did too

I guess yeah, I didn't know he spoke yeah he um He's such a funny. I was so glad when he got accepted into being whatever, the health guy. Yeah, he's head of the FDA now? Or is he head, no he's head of the, is he secretary of health and human service? What is he? His, yeah it's called like spasmodic dysphonia. Oh yeah, at age 42. Weird. You know what's funny cuz I that show killed Yeah, health and human services secretary two hours long. So I'm talking like this for two hours Yeah, and I couldn't stop and I was like I had a thought like am I never gonna

Went to bed and I was I had my voice back, but I was stuck. It stayed there Yeah, you don't want to do that too long. Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's probably good for the most. No, it's not very good. It'd be crazy if doing your impression you induced spasmodic dysphagia. Yeah, I mean I did for a couple hours after I couldn't stop talking like that. Now you do, a lot of times on IG, you do the face replacement stuff.

Yeah, yeah. How do people, like what is the, how does that work? I just do a, it's like a snap camera or something. They actually canceled it and someone, my friend of mine made a server so it was. So that you could keep doing it? Yeah, but I can't make new ones. I have to figure out if I'm gonna do. Cause you were doing, I remember you did Kardashians.

That's how I started, like Caitlyn Jenner, I'm like, yeah baby. That was like my first like, yeah baby. Wait, so there's, oh wait, there's Bill Maher Christmas. Twas the minute before my hooker gets here and all through the house, my bayness was stubborn because I just took a dick pill. Yeah, I got meaner.

So while we wait for my whore and my boner I would like to take this minute to explain to Zillennials what being an adult is this is so his voice it's when you take money worked hard for at a job to give to a black hooker. He likes black hooker. You know that? Inside a house that isn't owned by your parents. I'm sorry, I forgot. Twerking isn't for giving a man a boner. It's for teaching women how to do CDOs.

It's exactly him. I mean, you sound 100% like him. Okay, kids. Yeah, his voice is the how to do CDOs. It's exactly him. I mean, it's, you sound 100% like him. Okay, I guess. Yeah, his voice is the closest to my natural voice. Yeah, and you do all the, he has these like... He has like a... he makes a really loud... Okay. And the way he punched, the inflection goes, the way he goes up and down with it.

Yeah. Okay, Papo. Yeah. Okay. I'm so amazed that it bothers him. I was shocked. Because again, it wasn't even mean, the first ones weren't. Like they got a little meaner. I started bringing up Black Hookers and Gangbang.

I did. Okay, people. Okay, PayPal. Well, here's Elon. Tune in next week. Club S, it is I, Elon. In 2018, I sold all of my houses. Which is pretty epic of me. next week First up is my good friend Robert Kennedy Jr. His dad was killed and he eats dogs. He's that really cool Dude

Hey, Bobby, Bobby But Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob ran. What's good? What are you doing here? Hey, I was just wondering if I could crash you a place tonight? That was not a good time. I will give you $100 million. This is what I do with my time. Come on in. Come on.

Come. Hey, cool place, Robert. Look really cool. Nice knick-knack. Looks like a penis. Knick-knack, fatty, watch me eat the dog on the phone. I love the Elon quality of he's it's so peculiar to me he's always been it's so fascinating that somebody who is you can argue he's objectively the most successful person on earth yeah you go I guess they're bored of that? Because now it's just like, I wanna be liked

and also be told that I'm funny. I don't wanna just be like, what I have isn't enough. I want people to tell me I'm a genius, tell me I'm cool, and know that I'm funny and cool. It's such an interesting personality. It's very human, I mean, it's like how a lot of comedians wanna be rock stars and rock stars wanna be comedians. Everyone wants to be what they're not.

Yeah, because you don't value, it probably comes, yeah, it's really, and he has like an eight year old sense of humor, which is funny. Like his cars fart, that's what an eight an angel would do. It's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. Makes a fart sound. My car's flying around Uranus.

But it is a really interesting personality. And he also, I always am fascinated by someone who has time for bullshit. Like the pettiness. Where you're like, you know, like if you send a whatever, enough tweets about Jeff Bezos, or like he's never gonna respond to you, you know? Carlos Slim's never gonna be like,

oh, you're making fun of me? But it gets on Elon's radar, where he know, and like, he'll strike back at someone. I'm like, how are you not too busy? That's what I understand is he tweets so much. If that was my only job was to tweet, I would be exhausted. And then he's got six more multi-billion dollar companies.

Every phone call's gotta be an emergency. When you have that many companies and you're also doing Doge, which he's constantly tweeting about that. Yeah, the time management thing is wild of what he's got going on I almost don't believe that and the other weird thing is the amount of fanboys Yeah, the amount of people who are like, I'm a my huge like their bio line is like my Elon's Yeah, I'm like this is who you're a super fan of? Yep. Just a...

There's super fans and super haters. There's just like both... He for some reason like really... He's a very polarizing guy. Yeah, really polarizing. Like I've never seen... People burning Teslas? Yeah. Insane. I have the little Tesla stock and I have not been happy about... I wish you would stop Doge

I have the little Tesla stock and I have not been happy about it. I wish you would stop Doge soon as possible. That hasn't been good. Tesla stocks been going down. Maybe get some more now. Uh, I, I, I mean, I, I, uh, if I, I need some money to put, I need, I need money to get in that. Leveraged. Yeah. Yeah. These are, they're amazing dude. Wait, do you do Tim Robbins too? No, that guy, why is that on there?

I did his birthday, oh my God. I bombed harder than I've ever bombed my life at Tony Robbins' birthday party. He was, huh? He had like comics perform or? He, for some reason, wanted me to perform at his birthday party, which I didn't. I was a big Tony Robbins fan.

I read like a couple of his books when I was younger, and I was like, yeah, I wanna do that. But I knew deep down, I had subconscious did some calculating, I knew in my gut, like wait, this is bad, but I was trying to like hype myself, like this is big, because he's paying more money than I normally get. I don't wanna say exactly how much, but I was trying to hype myself, like this is paying more money than I normally get. I don't wanna say exactly how much, but it was like.

It's private, the private events all the time. It was like $25,000. I don't wanna say it was like $25,000. And his handlers did a Zoom call beforehand, like this is what Tony wants, you're gonna be on big screen, and you're gonna be Joe Biden, he's gonna introduce you,

he's gonna say, we get the president here and then you'll come up. And I was like, they might think it's actually gonna be Joe Biden. I'm a little worried that they're gonna be disappointed. Yeah. You know, and they were just like, this is what Tony wants.

There was no, like, this is a cult. This is what Tony wants. He's doing, there's no discussion here. And I was like, okay. So I went down there and it was just people just jumping up and it's like 11 at night. That guy Sumners was on before me, Larry Sumners who like was the reason

we had that 2008 collapse. I don't know why they keep giving that guy money and power. He's a total dirt bag. Yeah, real, but he was getting laughs and I'm like, oh, this would be good. They're like, hmm. So he goes on an hour and a half and he talks like this. He went for an hour and a half? Hour and a half. Now it's like midnight something. Yeah, this guy, I don't know why. And this is at a birthday party? Yeah, his birthday party. It was a weekend of his like, but you know, VIP people. Oh, okay. It was a weekend of his like, you know, VIP people. It was like 300 people in this, he has this amazing studio.

And then there's just all these screens of people zooming in from all over the world. Oh my God. And it's late now and they've been up since five o'clock like shark hunting, you know, these retreats that they do, they get them up early and they make them do these insane things to show like, I can do it. Yeah, they're,'s you see that yeah So beforehand he comes up to me giant hand is like a giant catcher's mitt. He's like give up hell You know piece of shit. Yeah

I was like, oh, thanks. That's a cool. That's a cool headline. It says Tony Robbins film using n-word Like we click that real quick? Repeatedly, sorry. Is there a video of this? That'd be awesome. Oh, in the 80s. I mean, I would love to go to this seminar. Oh yeah.

Take control of your emotions. Be who you are. You wanna say it? Say it. You are, he's like this. Oh my God, that's. So, and it was like, doesn't, poor light. Oh, there it is. Oh. Oh my god, that's so and it was like

Young What you've done is given that person absolute control of you. You have no control in your life. You are still a slave. I said you are! Well you're being enslaved by you and nothing else. And I said I let Debbie be free because I'm free and I'm white. So why don't you pretend that we're gonna get you free right now? I suggest here's the way to do it. Everyone stand up! I said stand up! Come on, with me trust me just for a moment pretend I'm bored once you know I get him to stand up right

now I was standing up I said now you guys just do what I do just for a minute if you really want to be free and if you want some fun so let's try this I stood up and I said okay follow me do what I say

say what I say move the way I move I'm an a a a a a

a a aunky you're a hunky you're a hunky you're a hunky wow oh Jesus you're a hunky you're a hunky then I turn and I say okay when I'm done repeat after me I'm a hunky you're a hunky

when you're not a hunky you're a hunky when you're a hunky you do this whole thing they're painting each other there's one guy who's like most Millinsons walk over there's another white guy in the audience

he's going hey hunky how you doing hey you liking each other hug he's getting some good laughs he's doing great and no one's walking him and this other white guy in the audience is going, Hey honky, how you doing? Hey, we know you. Like in each other's hugs. He's doing great, yeah. It's his Netflix special. That was a good bit. Sorry. No, I needed to see that. That was pretty cool.

We all needed to see that. So then there was like all these dancing people jump on stage after Larry Sumner is like, let's get our energy. And there's a big screen in front of me. And I'm, you know, like starting to get really nervous because I deep down know, you know, like, this is not the right environment.

Cause they're all about positivity and, you know, and I'm doing this sort of, you know, stand up is kind of sarcastic. And you're doing it, you're just gonna come out, your plan is I'm Biden? They have a big screen in front of me, like 30 feet tall, and I'm gonna be projecting on that, I'm behind it in a desk,

and then I'm gonna introduce Kyle Dunigan to round off the show with some stand-up comedy. Yeah, and I have a wig, Tom, on the desk here of Caitlyn Jenner, because he wanted me to sing Happy Birthday to him as Caitlyn Jenner. So he starts going, Are you guys ready for the surprise of your life? You know and I'm like no no no and then he goes oh wait

and then he plays a video of him meeting every president since you know Carter. So it's like they're primed and they're already like murmuring, no way. And then he goes, have I ever disappointed you? And they're like, no, mindfure, whatever. And he goes, zooming in from the White House and the whole place is like, I mean, they just had Larry Sumner's right there. It's not weird that the president zoomed. So he goes, the president, Joe Biden.

Everyone's like, and then my head comes up with my bad wig and I pop up on the screen and the whole audience goes, like all together, like that. And I was like, it's Tony Bologna's birthday. Dead silence. And I'm in my head, I'm like, this, it's Tony Bologna's birthday. It's, uh, dead silence. And I'm in my head, I'm like, this was like my strongest stuff.

It's getting dead silence. What's the rest gonna be? So then I was like, ah, now Kyle Dunnian. And I come out and I'm just trying, I had a plan, but like the first thing didn't work, so I'm like, let me jump to the piano. Like I have like a piano song, that didn't work. I'm jumping all around, I don't even know

where I am in my set. And then I like said a joke that I knew I shouldn't have said like right when I started, but I had to do the time because it was that money, you know? This was the joke that ended everything. And people started walking like out to like go to the bathroom and stuff. I go, I did, I did a girl who was,

she was 19 years younger than me. Don't judge, I was in college, that's when you experiment. And then a woman goes, that's a child. Yeah, that's the joke. Yeah, anyway, and then I'd explain that I didn't really do that. And then afterwards I was like wrapping up my shit trying to get out of there.

And I hear him go, did you have a day you'll never forget? And everyone's like, yeah. And he goes, this is a night I'd like to forget. Like talking about, have you ever heard Tony Robbins say anything negative in your life? Did he talk to you after the thing? No, I never saw him again. But anyway, that was painful.

I bombed so hard at private events, so hard. Which was the worst one, do you have like a worst one? And well, I'll tell you the most recent one was like two months ago. Really? Yeah. I was like, I got booked for this thing and I remember I always ask now, I'm like, do they know? They see my stuff? Yeah, they know that it's me. And they know that I'm not, cause sometimes I realize that a private event goes, oh I know this person's like a capable comedian, and then when I book them,

they'll do stuff that will be right for us. And I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'm just gonna put on my show. Yeah. And they're like, they know, they know, and they specifically ask for you. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. And they're like, they know, they know. And they're, they specifically asked for you. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. And so it was a, it was a convention of jewelers, like a jewelry convention. Do you have a jewelry trunk? Dude, right before I went on, it's

in a ballroom. Yeah. And they did an All rooms are good. Yeah. It's a great environment. Great environment. Nice and bright. Nice and bright, like a, I don't know, two foot stage. So it's just like a plat, like basically a platform. They did an auction and they were auctioning things to support like a children in need fund.

And so they were like, they're like, how about a, like a three day need fund. And so they were like, they're like, how about a, like a three day trip to Iceland? And no one was bidding. And the lady was like, this is gonna help children that are being abused. And like still know, and she just like kept pushing it.

And then you would hear things like, like, you know, like just, cause that's not a real PA system. It's just like for the thing. And I was like looking and I was like, this can be bad, man, this can be real bad. And when I got introduced, they're like, give it up. I walked this long walk from like the wings to the center of the room to like essentially no applause. Which I was like, that's a bad sign, you know? They were just like...

They didn't know who you were. And it's always whenever I go like, who'd you have last? They'll name a really clean comic who's really good. And I'm like, well, yeah, but like he's good for this, for this environment. Or somebody who's like, oh oh this person did like George Bush like they did a right a character and I'm like sure that might have been right for this crowd too, and then I got up there and it was The only thing that got me through the set was turning on them like making like I'd be like you guys are the worst

Oh, they started laughing at that some and, some, and then some of them got more upset, which made it, but it made it more fun for me. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I did a joke and it didn't go well, and I was like, first of all, you are the lowest of the low. I go, you are below mortgage lenders, predatory, you're jewelers,

you're the absolute lowest people on the totem pole. Wow. And then some of them would like laugh, and then some of them would like yell something back I'd be like shut up the fuck out of here. You just like taking African children's blood and tears to sell your I really worried I wasn't gonna get my check you weren't worried No, I wasn't worried about that. I was just like then I was like Yeah, I was just trying to like muscle my way through it. You know, could you see the person who booked you like how they were their face? No, I was just trying to like muscle my way through it. Could you see the person who booked you, like how they were, their face?

No. I know that when I was done, the person that booked me talked to my tour manager who was with me. And he was like, what the fuck, man? Like, they were like, that was so goddamn vile and all the things that were said. And he was like, well, yeah, that's what you hired. You hired this. Like, yeah, that's what you hired. Yeah. You hired this.

Like, yeah, that's what's been. But I remember one, the one that I remember stood out was I was living in California and I did the Irvine improv and it was a regular show, it was a good show. After the show they're like, hey, come meet these people. They work with Carson Palmer, who was at the time the quarterback for the Bengals. He played at USC, the California guy. And Carson's having this like private event. And they want to have like a stand up host the event and do some time. And they're

at the show, but they're seeing like a regular show. And they're like, this was great. Yeah. Like, we'd love to have you at the thing. And I'm like, oh, cool. So I go to the event, and it's at a, like a restaurant, this, but they shut down like the this one big room. So people are mingling, right? Like, let's say 200 plus people are mingling in the room. And then the guy's like, okay, let's start the show. And I was like, cool, like, are you gonna like tell everybody it's time to start the show? And they're like, well, you do that. Like, you're the host. And I'm like, oh, okay.

So I go, well, at least introduce me. So in the back of the room, he's like, da, da, da, like, here's the host for your evening, Tom's the girl. It is as if nothing changed. So nobody stopped mingling. Do you know what I mean? So I got up there and I was like, all right, and I'm just waiting for everyone to just

turn and face the stage. Nobody stops. So I just go, hey, here we go. Here we go, it's show time. And it's just like if you're at a bar on a Saturday night and it's just loud in there, it's that level of volume. So I look at the guy and then he looks at me, he's like, we'll fucking do it. Like, you do it.

So I fucking... Yeah, then you have to be like the enforcer, which is really not funny. Dude, it was insane. There was three people looking at the stage and I just talked to them and I'm like, this is so... and I'm just... it's not even like you're bombing. It's like no one's. And then it's like nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. You're in a dream. I'm in a dream, I'm like. So the funny thing is, I forgot this part. He was like, oh yeah, so the thing is,

the event Saturday, Sunday, is the golf outing. Like the part of the weekend. Oh, then you have to play golf with everybody? And I was like, am I doing that? And they're like, unless. You don't want your track. No, unless like something is like, unless like Carson hates you or something,

there's no way you're not going to that. So we go through this thing, I'm trying to introduce things, no one's listening. At one point I go, all right, now Carson come on stage, everybody stops, like a record stopped, turns, faces the stage, listens with every ounce of their attention. They look at him. He says his thing, gets off stage, everybody turns back. I get off and I'm like, I don't even know what happened, right?

Do you feel like, like in humiliation or do you like, I don't feel- It was more, that was more- You seem like a cool, like a person doesn't get rattled. Well that was more frustration. Humiliation is more like, when you're trying, everyone's listening and you're literally nothing's happening. I feel like that's more humiliating, where you're like, I'm trying to and they hate me.

This was like, how come nobody will even listen. But I remember I walked, there's other, bunch of NFL players there and I was like, recognized. But I remember I walked, there's other bunch of NFL players there and I was like, recognize, I was like, hey, what's up there, go, that was rough, man. That was rough. I was like, thanks. And then I go to the organizer guy.

I was like, so what time is the golf outing tomorrow? And he's like, we'll let you know. Oh man. I was like, I'm not gonna. Like that guy was like, I don't want him even there. I don't want him there. That guy just fucking ruined our thing. They don't think, like they think it's like a band.

Like you need to do standup. You have to have people paying attention to every word. It's not like music in the background, but they go, oh, comedian, that's the thing we'll have there. And the crazy thing to that for me was like, I was kind of like with the guy like, hey man, like you have to at least have them look at the stage.

I'm not gonna wrangle them. Yeah, that's so not funny to be their teacher. And then like, now you're jokes. But it was like, it was embarrassing. I was like, I got to go. I had that same, like after that Tony Robbins thing, I was like, this lady who like booked me or whatever, or like was my handler, I was like,

I go, oh, I feel like it ruined his birthday. He goes, no, he had fun this afternoon, like not even helping me. And then we go. Before you got here, it was great. I go back in a car with this other guy who was like Tony's right-hand man. He was like, Tony doesn't get up early.

He was like saying, he's like Tony doesn't get up early. He actually got up, I got up early this morning. He's like, shit, like, shit, Tony to me. And he goes, you wanna get some food at the hotel? I'm like, yeah, starving. So I go and we take a lap, it's like 20 to me. And he goes, you wanna get some food at the hotel? I'm like, yeah, starving. So I go and we take a lap and it's like the audience was at this buffet.

I didn't, I thought it was just, so I go, no, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. Cause I'm feeling completely shattered as a human being. And he goes, nah, you come here, get a plate, just go play, go buffet, get a plate. So I'm like sneaking and I'm like, click, click, click, click, click, click, and then some guy like grabs me.

Now this is what was amazing, because I didn't understand at first. He goes dude epic set man Like real Tony Robbins positivity. Yeah, I was like, thanks and I realized oh he found a way to say something to me that wasn't a lie and Like he gave me positive energy Tony Robbins in her Tony. Oh, yeah.bins energy. He learned that that weekend which was cool. It wasn't epic, it was epic. Yeah, it's just epic in its own way. Yeah, yeah, horrible.

Yeah, I know I wouldn't do corporates if, yeah, I don't think I can. I've got to turn, the last three times I've accepted, everyone's like, why did you say yes to this? Yeah, why do you? Because in the moment, you get a call and they're like, they're gonna pay me to just do that? I know, you're like, yeah, I can do that.

It's like I should turn it down, yeah. Yeah, I'm never going to turn it down. I'm talking, I never will turn down money. Ever? I don't care how rich I get, I'm just gonna. What's enough money, Tom, where you like, like be honest, like in your bank, where you don't have to work ever again,

you have a perfect life where you give money to your kids, whatever, and just everything, but it's all you're gonna make from here on out. What is the number? That sits in the bank? It just sits there, crooning for three to 4% a year. I don't know, man.

But like you live, you don't think about money. You're gonna go private jets, probably vacations. So it's a really nice lifestyle yourself. Yeah, and you have like 10 years to live or whatever you have left. No, you have way more than that. Just joking, you have probably a good 40 years left. 40?

Probably have 40 years left, right? Four? 40? Oh, 40. Um, I don't think I have 40 years left. No? I'm 45. How old are your parents?

Are they still alive? My mom's 80. She's alive. Oh, there you go. Yeah. My dad's dead. He died at 74. My dad died at 60.

60? Yeah. Oh, that's young. Yeah. Long time no brain tumor. Fuck. It's a funny thing to bring up. Hilarious. Kind of good.

It's not bad. You look healthy. Are you healthy? I think I don't sleep enough. Like I did that aura ring where it tells you how you sleep and it was like go see something. Wait, what's your number? What's your money number? I think it's $35 million, which I think sounds ridiculous.

I was gonna say 175. 175 million? Yeah. Now I'm feeling like 35 is way low. Well, I mean, it just depends on your formula. I have kids. I do. Yeah, you got kids. Yeah, each of those has gotta be at least.

And you wanna do that yacht vacation, you know? Yeah, you don't wanna do the- White Lotus, we have a yacht. Yeah. And that's like, how much is that? That's like $100,000 a week or something for those? Probably more. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'll work until forever. Yeah. But I also like working. Here's the thing. I'm not chasing that number. Right. We're not doing office work. I just like doing this stuff.

I like doing stand-up. I like making a show. I like doing it. It's not, I don't go like, I need to do this because I have to pay this or I need to accrue I like working right. What would you do? Yeah, I wouldn't I'd be completely out of my if you if you gave me all that money Right now I would still be like well, what am I gonna do tomorrow? Yeah, right I wanted a vacation for three days and I had to come back home. I was supposed to be there longer I went by myself because people they'll go like I traveled Europe and I bought for a month

I know it's like oh, I want to be that guy, you know. Yeah, where'd you go? I went by myself because people they'll go like I traveled Europe and I bought for a month I know it's like oh, I want to be that guy. You know yeah, where'd you go? I went to? Puerto Vallarta in Mexico you say for three days I was supposed to be a week and I left well I get there this is where I knew I was a problem and I check in I go hi Kyle and they're like Just just you like that and I go yeah, and she was nobody else just you and I go. And I go, yeah. And she goes, nobody else, just you? And I go, yeah, just me, nobody else. So I get there and it's just all family. No one goes alone to this resort.

And I was just this weird- Alone guy? Guy walker. Like I got in the giant- That just seems like it's the wrong place you went to though. I guess maybe. No, cause vacationing alone makes a lot of sense. But if you go to like a place that is mostly families,

that's a different thing. I got in that big jacuzzi. You know the jacuzzi where they go, the whole everyone, big. And three people just got out right away. And I was like, bubbles. And people would turn the corner because you couldn't see the jacuzzi

so you came around the corner, planning to go to the jacuzzi, and then we just saw you, and people just kept coming and turning. That guy that's checking off everywhere is in the jacuzzi. Yeah, and we all ate together, so I was always just alone eating.

It was, I had a horrible time. Point being, yeah, I probably won't stop working either. No, don't stop. Yeah. What are we gonna do? I'm never going on vacation again. No, you need to. Let's plan it together. No, but I stop. Yeah, what are we gonna do? I'm never going on vacation again. No, you need to listen Let's plan it together. No, but I would have to I'd have to like go with like a friends or like a girlfriend or something

I can't go alone ever again. Come with my family. I would love that. Really? I think you guys would like me there I think we would too. I really like Christina too, you know, we shared a flight together Did she tell you about that flight we shared? When was it? It was probably like a year ago. She's so, you know, you can, we're just, she's just really great. She was playing, we were playing a game like, our stewardess was Linda, who was like, just kind of gross, but then there's other fat, disgusting. We were playing a game where it was like,

would you rather put, like you have to put your face in this fat, gross guy's asshole for like. Oh, this was, you're playing this game with Christina? Yeah. She loves this game. Yeah, and that's like, and like, yeah, put your face in the guy's asshole for like a full three minutes or marry Linda and live with her for six months, like just scenarios.

She loves this game. We did that for like, yeah, three hours. You probably did the guy's ass, right? Yeah. Yeah. Three minutes is bad, but it's not as bad as six months. I think I think Christina married Linda She did I think she did. Oh, I'd eat that guy's ass. I didn't say you had to eat it. Oh Just sit there with it just get in there and like breathe it and like take it Just big

difference between eating it. Big deep yoga breaths. Yeah. Anyway I'd love to come on vacation. So next time I'll make you this deal. Next time I go on a family vacation I am gonna message you and be like this is what we're doing. Are you coming? I promise I'll say no but you should do that. You really won't come? That would be so weird. Be so fun. I would maybe feel even more alone to be with a family. I don't know.

What are we doing? I don't know. All right, invite me, we'll see what I say. We went to London. I do wanna go to London. We went to London, we would've been like, all right, we're gonna go to the park now, do you wanna come? I know a girl in London. We went to London, we would have been like, all right, we're gonna go to the park now, do you want to come?

I know a girl in London. There you go. You know, we're not like a... Kyle, we're having dinner, do you want to have dinner with us? Yeah, I'll be right down. And then my kids would be like, who's this guy? I mean, it's fucking Kyle, man.

Yeah, he's your new brother. He's your uncle. Oh, I'm a brother, uncle. Yeah. And they'd be like, you have a brother? I'd be like, yeah. I didn't tell you guys, but I do. I really, I know we're joking,

but I would like to be adopted by your family. We can do it. We can go do some paperwork. We can do it. I'll sign literally whatever you, I won't even read it. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. Where can people see you? You're a-

On tour. On tour at KyleDunnigan.com. The Instagram is a fun, fun place to live with Kyle. It's at KyleDunnigan1 on Instagram. If you haven't yet checked it out, see Kill or Be Killed, it's out now on Netflix. It's the live Kill Tony. You are absolutely hilarious on it.

Thank you. Thank you for coming in. Thank you for having me on One Bear, one... You wanna wish best wishes to Burt for his weight loss journey? Burt, keep going buddy. You gotta lose one Kyle and you'll be there. You'll be there soon, pal.

A little more than a Kyle. Yeah, a little bit. All right, thanks guys. Bye. Bye. Burt and Tom, Tom and Burt. One goes to the top and swallows the other, wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Burt's the machine. Alright, thanks guys, bye!